#ocd makes me go up and down 5 floors 2-3 times a morning to check if i really flushed the toilet and turned off the gas and locked the door

[forgotten-daydreamer]

"i rearranged all my books in alphabetical order, I'm sooooo OCD hehe" i will personally gut you and rearrange your organs and not in a sexual way.

[sims-psycho]

Let's see... First half for Billie and second half for Andie (if you want to do all of them 😁💗)

Challenge accepted Chuska, challenge accepted… 😝

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? ~ Probably Tegan2. Are you outgoing or shy? ~ I have moments of both, I’d like to think I’m normally quite outgoing but I tend to be shyer when I’m in a completely unfamiliar place3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? ~ There’s a guy that’s been coming into my work every day, I look forward to our chats4. Are you easy to get along with? ~ I think so, I can be a little bossy, but I’m not a confrontational person5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? ~ I have no idea *laughs*6. What kind of people are you attracted to? ~ Kind people7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? ~ I doubt it, but you never know8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? ~ No one right now9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? ~ Only if it’s with someone I don’t know very well10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? ~ Tegan11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? ~ “I forgot sorry, I’m at the Library now tho” Andie wanted me to make her some hair dye but I forgot, not that interesting 12. What are your 5 favourite songs right now? ~ Death with Dignity by Sufjan Stevens, Lorelai by Fleet Foxes, Mexico by The Staves, The Golden Throne by Temples and The Alter by Wye Oak  13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? ~ Not particularly14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? ~ No, only because I know there are always people behind them15. What good thing happened this summer? ~ I got a new job16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? ~ Definitely not, I don’t miss my college boyfriend17. Do you think there is life on other planets? ~ There has to be, with the vastness of space there must be some sort of life out there18. Do you still talk to your first crush? ~ No *laughs*19. Do you like bubble baths? ~ I LOVE bubble baths20. Do you like your neighbours? ~ I don’t really know them21. What are you bad habits? ~ I have quite bad OCD about certain things, like checking the doors and windows are locked before I leave my apartment, even though it’s on the top floor, no one is going to be scaling the side of the building any time soon *smirks sadly* I’m also terrible for jumping to conclusions and lashing out when I’m upset, but I’m trying to get better at that *smiles*22. Where would you like to travel? ~ Italy has been at the top of my list for a while, and I’ve never been to Korea despite my grandma being from there23. Do you have trust issues? ~ I can be a little guarded, but I wouldn’t say I have trust issues24. Favourite part of your daily routine? ~ When I read in the evening before bed, it’s so peaceful 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? ~ My lips26. What do you do when you wake up? ~ Get up *giggles*27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? ~ Sometimes I wish it was a little darker because I’m so pale and I always have to wear a thick layer of sunscreen in the summer28. Who are you most comfortable around? ~ Tegan, and my Mum29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? ~ No30. Do you ever want to get married? ~ Eventually, but not anytime soon, you actually have to have a partner for that anyway *laughs*31. Is your hair long enough for a ponytail? ~ No, and it hasn’t been for a while, I like it short *smiles*32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? ~ *laughs and blushes* Hmm, I’m gonna go with Matt Smith and Ryan Gosling 33. Spell your name with your chin. ~ Just because I’m using my chin doesn’t mean I don’t know how to spell my own name *smirks*34. Do you play sports? What sports? ~ I don’t, I used to run for my school when I was 15 but not since then35. Would you rather live without TV or music? ~ Hmm, TV36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? ~ Yes, and I never will37. What do you say during awkward silences? ~ I normally just sigh heavily a lot38. Describe your dream girl/guy? ~ Someone kind, whos’ open to new things39. What are your favourite stores to shop in? ~ Old ones40. What do you want to do after high school? ~ I’m not in high school, and haven’t been for a while *smirks*41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? ~ Yes, people can change42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean? ~ That I’m either thinking deeply or tired43. Do you smile at strangers? ~ If they smile at me, yes44. A trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? ~ That’s a tricky one, I’m gonna have to say bottom of the ocean though45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? ~ My alarm *giggles*46. What are you paranoid about? ~ People going into my room when I’m not there47. Have you ever been high? ~ Yes once, I didn’t like it that much but Kit is trying to get me to try it again so we’ll see how that goes48. Have you ever been drunk? ~ Many times *laughs*49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? ~ I practised some elemental magic without Tegan knowing…50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? ~ Grey, I was at Andie, Kit’s and Kaspers and got cold so put on one of Kaspers, it was huge on me *laughs*51. Ever wished you were someone else? ~ Not anyone in particular, but I used to wish I wasn’t a witch52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? ~ Right now nothing *smiles*53. Favourite makeup brand? ~ Milk Makeup54. Favourite store? ~ There’s a little hippy shop down near the docks called Intrigue that I love55. Favourite blog? ~ I like the Rookie blog56. Favourite colour? ~ Orange57. Favourite food? ~ My Mums Stir Fry58. Last thing you ate? ~ Some toast and jam59. The first thing you ate this morning? …the toast and jam *laughs*60. Ever won a competition? For what? ~ I was part of the relay team when my high school won a regional athletics championship *smirks* other than that no61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? ~ Never62. Been arrested? For what? ~ Nope63. Ever been in love? ~ I don’t think so64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? ~ I’d rather not *smiles awkwardly*65. Are you hungry right now? ~ Nah, I just had my toast and jam *laughs*66. Do you like your Tumblr friends more than your real friends? ~ N/A67. Facebook or Twitter? ~ I don’t have either, been thinking about making a twitter recently though68. Twitter or Tumblr? ~ Tumblr!69. Are you watching tv right now? ~ I’m in the middle of a Bates Motel episode as we speak70. Names of your best friends? ~ Tegan, Andie and Kasper….and Kit if I have to *smirks*71. Craving something? What? ~ I could go for a banana milkshake right now…72. What colour are your towels? ~ Light blue72. How many pillows do you sleep with? ~ 4, I’m a pillow addict *giggles*73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? ~ My little rabbit, Hopper 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? ~ Only a few, and only Hopper is in Anne Arbor with me, the others are at my parent’s house75. Favourite animal? ~ I love cats and rabbits *smiles*

76. What colour is your underwear? ~ Oo, getting straight to it are we *winks and giggles* they’re black and lacey, love77. Chocolate or Vanilla? ~ Both!78. Favourite ice cream flavour? ~ Cookie dough, I could eat it all day every day *drools*79. What colour shirt are you wearing? ~ Bright yellow, like my personality *laughs*80. What colour pants? ~ Pants? Ohhhhh, you mean trousers, well, skirt I guess cuz that’s what I’m wearing *laughs* It’s black denim81. Favourite tv show? ~ I like that 70′s show *smiles*82. Favourite movie? ~ Scott Pilgrim Vs The World is AMAZING *grins*83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? ~ Haven’t seen either84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? ~ 21 Jump Street!85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? ~ I HAVEN’T SEEN MEAN GIRLS!86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? ~ I like the starfish, and dory, and the lil baby octopus *smiles*87. The first person you talked to today? ~ Kit I think88. Last person you talked to today? ~ Some random drunk girl in the park *giggles* I was drunk too so it wasn’t that weird89. Name a person you hate? ~ Hmmm, I can’t remember *smirks*90. Name a person you love? ~ There’s SO many people! I love Erik and Maya and Tegan and Alex and Tortilla and Billie and Kasper and Kit! *grins*91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? ~ I don’t think so, have you got any suggestions?92. In a fight with someone? ~ Not right now93. How many sweatpants do you have? ~ Like, 2 *smirks* 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? ~ Definitely more than 2 *laughs* more like 20 tbh95. Last movie you watched? ~ I watched some space one with Kasper and Kit, I think it was called Intergalactic or…Interstellar! That was it, Interstellar *giggles*96. Favourite actress? ~ Cate Blanchett!97. Favourite actor? ~ I just answered this, didn’t it..?98. Do you tan a lot? ~ Not in a shop or anything, I’m outside a lot so I’m naturally tanned99. Have any pets? ~ I have Kit, does he count? *laughs*100. How are you feeling? ~ Pretty good 101. Do you type fast? ~ I talk fast102. Do you regret anything from your past? …103. Can you spell well? Yeah, I’m alright, all these computers and shit don’t really help tho104. Do you miss anyone from your past? ~ A couple people from back home, but Maya says I can go and visit them whenever I like *smiles*105. Ever been to a bonfire party? ~ Yeah! They’re the best! *grins*106. Ever broken someone’s heart? ~ I’m not sure 107. Have you ever been on a horse? ~ Yeah! I used to ride along the beach back in Straya all the time *smiles*108. What should you be doing? ~ Right now nothing, it’s great *laughs*109. Is something irritating you right now? ~ I’m laying on my rug and it’s a bit itchy if that’s what you mean110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? ~ Oh yes!111. Do you have trust issues? ~ No, I can just make people forget the things I don’t want them to know112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? ~ Tegan I think113. What was your childhood nickname? ~ Little fish, Kit still calls me it sometimes114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? ~ I’ve been aaaaallllll over the world *grins*115. Do you play the Wii? ~ No?116. Are you listening to music right now? ~ Yeah. I’m listening to Paramore! 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? ~ Yup!118. Do you like Chinese food? ~ Yup yup! *laughs*119. Favourite book? ~ I like Milk and Honey, it’s pretty *smiles*120. Are you afraid of the dark? ~ I’m not afraid of anything121. Are you mean? ~ Kinda sometimes, but not too nice people122. Is cheating ever okay? ~ Hmm, I guess if you’re not happy and being treated badly then yeah123. Can you keep white shoes clean? ~ Nope nope nope *laughs*124. Do you believe in love at first sight? ~ Nah, lust at first sight tho…*smirks*125. Do you believe in true love? ~ Like from fairy tales and shit? I guess126. Are you currently bored? ~ A little bit, but \i normally a, so don’t take it personally *giggles*127. What makes you happy? ~ Quite a few things, Being at the beach, hanging out with my friends, and ripping the throats out of people who are bad *smiles sweetly*128. Would you change your name? ~ Nah, I like my name!129. What your zodiac sign? ~ Leo130. Do you like subway? ~ I guess, I don’t have it a lot131. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? ~ *laughs* I dunno, laugh a lot *laughs*132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? ~ Kasper133. Favourite lyrics right now? ~ “You’d really like it in the limelight, You’d sympathize with all the bad guys, I’m still a victim in my own right, But I’m the villain in my own eyes”134. Can you count to one million? ~ Duh, I’m not stupid 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? ~ Oh god, I’ve told so many I can’t remember *laughs*136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? ~ Closed, what kind of psycho sleeps with their door open?137. How tall are you? ~ 5′7 *smiles*138. Curly or Straight hair? ~ somewhere in-between 139. Brunette or Blonde? ~ Well my hair is like a light brown, it goes kind of blonde in the summer140. Summer or Winter? ~ Summer! *grins*141. Night or Day? ~ That’s tricky, but probably day, I do most of my work at night142. Favourite month? ~ June! It’s my birthday month! *giggles*143. Are you a vegetarian? ~ Far from it *laughs*144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? ~ Milk, mmm *drools*145. Tea or Coffee? ~ Coffee!146. Was today a good day? ~ Yeah! *smiles*147. Mars or Snickers? ~ Mars all the way!148. What’s your favourite quote? ~ ”do not bother holding on to that thing that does not want you” - Rupi Kaur149. Do you believe in ghosts? ~ No doubt, I’ve met some, they’re not as scary as humans make them out to be, so misunderstood 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? ~ “no”

[hermitologist]

My 17 Favorite Records of 2017

Hello, Internet. Yet another year has passed, and because I’ve made a habit of making year-end lists, this old man has gone and done it again.

I listened to a veritable buttload of music this year on my morning runs, which I decided to post about on Instagram most days in a concerted effort to keep myself accountable bore every last one of my followers to death. I think it’s working.

What follows, is my list of favorites. Not “best”. “Favorite”. *My* favorite. So, spare me the “Your list sucks. WTF. I can’t believe “A Vest For Jerome” by Turd Circus isn’t on there!” comments. I’m sorry we don’t have the exact same taste in music. :)

As usual, I feel like the top 5 or 6 here are pretty carved in stone, but the last 12 and some of the honorable mentions could totally be flip-flopped depending on which side of the bed I woke up on. I actually fiddled with a few spots five minutes before posting this, which is either a testament to that or Exhibit 4,923 in my undiagnosed OCD case.

Anyways ... TL;DR. Here’s what I was into this year. I hope you find something you enjoy.

IMPORTANT: Please let me know what I might missed out on (as I’m sure there’s a ton of it), and share some of your favorites in the comments below. Thanks!

17) Japandroids - Near To The Wild Heart Of Life

This didn’t quite grab me the way Celebration Rock did, but it’s got a good number of super infectious earworms that got stuck in my brain at the top of the year. 

Listen here.

16) Sorority Noise - You’re Not As ____ You Think

Excellent “emo”with that feels like it could very easily fit into Brand New’s discography (and I mean that in a very complimentary way). Highly recommended if you’re looking for something to fill that void. 

Listen here. 

15) Queens of the Stone Age - Villains

This took a little while for this record to sink its teeth into me, but once it did, it didn’t let go. The arrangements are so nuanced that I’ve found little bits of ear candy each time I’ve listened to it, and while the mix is not my favorite, the songs are so brilliantly catchy and drumming so monstrous, I’m hooked. And Jon Theodore is the best drummer on Earth. That’s not debatable either. It’s fact.

Listen here.

14) David Bazan - Care

It’s no secret that I’m a sucker for anything and everything Bazan. His lyrics and the timbre of his voice cut to my core, and the songs on Care are no exception -- even when they’re delivered over minimalist electronica (which is not my favorite vehicle by any stretch). Another Bazan masterpiece.

Listen here.

13) Glassjaw - Material Control

This record is perfect in that it is exactly what it needs to be. It’s Glassjaw doing what they do best -- intense, vibey, groovy, heavy post-hardcore that is a logical follow-up to Worship & Tribute, while flexing and pushing enough to make it feel fresh. A tremendous return to form, and a record that was well worth the wait.

Listen here.

12) Julien Baker - Turn Out The Lights 

Sprained Ankle blew me away and knocked me on my ass, and somehow, some way, Baker has leveled up and topped that. The stripped-down “artist + guitar” intimacy is still there, but the heavy moments hit even harder because of the additional orchestration on this record. Such a promising future for her.

Listen here.

11) The Life & Times - S/T

Another excellent record from some of one of Kansas City’s best bands. There are few who do airy, melancholic, spacey, dynamic rock better than these guys. And Chris Metcalf is one of the best drummers on the planet right now -- so pockety, tasteful, and effortless. Highly recommended if you dig Failure, Shiner, Hum, Antenna-era Cave In, et al. 

Listen here.

10) METZ - Strange Peace

This beast is 36 minutes of noisy, nasty, heavy post-punk with stellar guitar and bass tones, and badass drumming that sounds like the best parts of Nirvana and Young Widows had a perfect lovechild. I dare you to listen to this record and not have an overwhelming urge to play it as loud as you possibly can and headbang until your eyes fall out of your skull.

Listen here.

9) CHON - Homey

I really enjoyed this when it came out, but it wasn’t until we spent five weeks on tour with them and got to see them shred a handful of these songs on a nightly basis that it really grabbed ahold of me. This record is stellar. Sure there are a ton of notes, but they’re all tasteful, never bogged down in painfully long prog opuses, and there’s so much feel here ... which is so rare in the new world of insanely chopped, gridded and sampled prog. The splashes of hip-hop and glitchy Prefuse 73 style electronica are a killer addition to the mix as well. This is the feel good record of the year for me.

Listen here.

8) Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

There really isn’t another rapper who holds a candle to Kendrick at the moment, and this might be the best work of his career. I haven’t had a hip-hop record hit me like this in at least a decade. I was hooked from the second the beat dropped in DNA., got roped in even more by the slow jam LOVE., and HUMBLE. sealed the deal. What a beast.

Listen here.

7) Cloud Nothings - Life Without Sound

This record rules, but I’m not sure I can put my finger on exactly why I like it so much. It’s got tiny elements of so many bands I love or used to love without being overly referential. It’s got a melancholic vibe but never lacks energy. And it is packed with really, really well written and catchy songs without full-blown pop circus. You know you’re listening to a great record when you’re playing a deep cut and uncontrollably blurt, “Fuck, this song is good.” 

Listen here.

6) Converge - The Dusk In Us

Nobody does it better than these dudes, and it’s been that way for the better part of two decades. The Dusk In Us is yet another record a discography full of bar-setting hardcore/metal/noise records that elevate the ceiling of the genre and make everyone else sound/look bland in comparison. This one slides right into the #3 or #4 spot in that storied discography. So great.

Listen here.

5) Manchester Orchestra - A Black Mile To The Surface

This is one of those rare records that blows you away on first listen, and gets better with each subsequent listen. The former happens when the songs --stripped to their bones -- are stellar, and the latter happens when the arrangements and mix are somehow even more stellar. ABMTTS checks the shit outta both of those boxes and then some. Aaaand it was made with multiple producers, but doesn’t sound disjointed in the slightest, which seems damn near impossible. It’s the perfect Manchester Orchestra record ... “The Gold” was stuck pleasantly in my head for a majority of the year.  

Listen here.

4) Pile - A Hairshirt Of Purpose

Disclaimer: I am a late adopter of the majesty of Pile, but I am happy to announce that I am hopelessly hooked on their soulful, noisy, schizophrenic, (occasionally) dreamy, fusion of post-punk, blues, and all sorts of other good things. My entry point was Dripping, but A Hairshirt ... cemented my love for this band. It’s weird, it’s beautiful, it’s energetic, it’s heavy, it’s ethereal, and the musicianship is frustratingly good. If you know, you know ... if you don’t, just trust me. Spin it with an open mind and meet one of your new favorite bands.

Listen here.

3) Propagandhi - Victory Lap

I grew up on Epitaph and Fat Wreck Chords punk rock in the 90s, and these guys (and gal) are legitimately the only band of that era that continue to excite and inspire me. I look forward to every release, and they manage to deliver every. single. time. It’s not a nostalgia thing with Propagandhi. Chris Hannah’s lyrics, melodies, and guitar playing continue to push the boundaries of what can be done in that genre. You might expect a group of 40-year-old punks to decline or at least plateau, but they’re still on an upward trajectory and it’s  inspiring as hell. Bonus points if you’re a parent and can listen to “Adventures In Zoochosis” without tearing up. Victory Lap is outstanding -- one of their three best records without question. 

Listen here.

2) Cloakroom - Time Well

If you’ve been following me here, on Twitter, or Instagram, it’s no secret that I’ve got a massive soft spot in my heart for bummer jams -- especially bummer jams of the heavy variety. Time Well is a damn near perfect in those regards. It’s shoegazey without being tired or overly jangly, mildly doomy without being mind-numbingly boring, and fuzzy without sounding like it was recorded inside a sleeping bag. I’m pretty sure I listened to this record more than anything else this year, and after probably a hundred spins, it hasn’t lost any of its luster. It’s outstanding (and it’s got some damn tasty drumming on it too).

Listen here.  

1) Elder - Reflections Of A Floating World

My buddy Scott Evans (Kowloon Walled City vocalist/guitarist, Antisleep recording engineer/producer, multi-talented human, generally outstanding dude, recommender of many amazing bands) turned me on to these guys earlier this year by sharing 2015′s Lore with me. That record f-ing floored me. Riffs for days. Heaviness. Prog vibes. Stoner rock goodness. Dynamics. Space. Sabbath-y vocals. It checked all of the boxes. Needless to say, I couldn’t wait to hear Reflections Of A Floating World. 

ROAFW dropped in June, and it’s even better than I could have imagined. I’d wager that there are more sick riffs on this record than your favorite band has in their entire discography. I dare you to listen to this and not get a twitch to start a play air guitar. Also: How the shit do you write 15-minute songs that don’t bore people into catatonia? This is how. Just like this. Parts never drag, parts never feel like they’re just filler, and there isn’t a wasted moment in 64 minutes of music. That’s a remarkable feat in and of itself. This is a goddamn timeless record, and there’s no doubt I’ll have it in heavy rotation for the rest of my life.

Listen here.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

The Effects - Eyes To The Light

Brutus - Burst

Nate Smith - KINFOLK: Postcards From The Edge

Employed To Serve - Warmth of A Dying Sun

God Mother - Vilseledd

Slowdive - Sugar For The Pill

Hundredth - RARE

Mutoid Man - War Moans

Grizzly Bear - Painted Ruins

Quicksand - Interiors

Death From Above - Outrage! Is Now

Power Trip - Nightmare Logic

Health - DISCO3

Vince Staples - Big Fish Theory

All Them Witches - Sleeping Through The War

Code Orange - Forever

Blis - No One Likes You

Bjork - Utopia

Less Art - Strangled Light ;)

MY FAVORITE RECORD OF 2015 THAT I DIDN’T HEAR UNTIL 2017

Town Portal - The Occident

MY FAVORITE RECORD OF 2004 THAT I DIDN’T HEAR UNTIL 2017

The Stella Link - Mystic Jaguar... Attack!!!

CURRENT PODCAST QUEUE

Chapo Trap House (Grey Wolf Feed)

The Trap Set

Song Exploder

Slate’s The Gist

Slate’s Hang Up & Listen

INTERCEPTED

The FilmDrunk Frotcast

Deadcast

How I Built This

Freakonomics Radio

Radiolab

This American Life

[libulanns]

Y’all mind if I .... write about some traumatic moments throughout my life in excessive detail 👀 I’ve never written about this before. I just want to get it out. I won’t post about it again and might delete later. I’m tagging this ptsd. 

At age 3, I would get up at night and leave the house, wandering the neighborhood alone. My parents would not notice and come looking for me until morning. At age 4, I would be sat in front of a television in a dark room all day. I was totally alone until my Dad got home from work or sister got off of school.  At age 5, my mother would abandon my sister and I in public places. Random strangers would find us and start a search party to return us back to her. My Mom would take me with her to my Dad’s friends’ houses while he worked. I would hear them loudly having sex. Mom constantly told me we were running out of money and going to end up on the streets. I started obsessing over the way my clothes felt on my body and what foods were okay to eat. My parents thought I was being a brat. Believe it or not, I had my first panic attack over ketchup being on some food I was given to eat. I began having intrusive thoughts & nightmares of my parents throwing me out of a moving vehicle for some reason lol.  At age 6, I watched my mother threaten to slit her wrists and kill herself. She chased my sister and I around the house. My sister tried to throw her pills away because they were making our Mom crazy. My mom responded by throwing a glass vase the size of my sister at her. She shut the door in time not to be hit and wrote a sign to hold out of our bedroom window begging people passing by to save her. I was scared so I left the house and wandered the neighborhood by myself again. At age 7, my parents separated. My Mom took me from my Dad. I watched my aunt slit her wrists. I was constantly exposed to my Mom, Aunt, and Uncles high on marijuana, a cocktail of pills, and drunk. They are all angry drunks. I watched my Uncle put all of my sister’s barbies on the grill outside and melt them. My Mom told me about everything that went wrong in her marriage to my Dad. My Aunts and Uncles lined my cousins, sister, and I up to beat us with the belt one by one. We never had enough to eat because they spent all their money on drugs, alcohol, and gambling. We mostly ate ramen noodles. My sister constantly told me I was worthless (projecting her feelings onto me). I stopped talking to kids at school. I’d start having weeks at a time where I barely said a word and nobody noticed. I wished I was dead.  At age 8, I constantly missed school because my mother would be too tired to take me and the school bus didn’t come to my neighborhood. I lived in a one bedroom, roach-infested apartment that was not wired properly (if you touched the stove and fridge at the same time, you’d get electrocuted). Five people lived there at once. I slept on the floor and was terrified of roaches crawling all over me at night. My mom would leave me alone for weeks at a time without telling me where she was going or when she’d come back. She tried to get me to live with her boyfriend eventually; half of the house did not have electricity. The bathroom in the room they had me sleep in was infested with mosquitos. There was no running water and my Mom bathed me with a bucket from the hose outside. Roaches would crawl on me at night there, too. They had a fight and she tried to leave but he locked us in the house. She told me she was terrified he was going to hurt us and worked out a plan for me to jump over the outside gate, run to someone, and ask them to call the police. She started driving me around the city while she was drunk. We came so close to hitting cars and causing huge accidents. I screamed bloody murder. I rolled the window down and screamed for somebody to help me. I thought I was going to die.  At age 12, I missed almost the entirety of seventh grade because I was too afraid to leave my baby brother home alone. My Mom constantly left for days at a time without contacting me. We constantly ran out of food. I watched my Aunt destroy things and threaten to kill herself. I watched my Uncle beat my cousin black and blue. My Mom let me go on a diet to lose weight, because I was overweight from eating garbage all the time. I ended up having a kidney stone. My Mom was afraid of the cost of the ambulance, so she accused me of exaggerating and faking my pain for hours before my Uncle finally called one. The doctors did not give me any pain medicine for hours because they assumed I was pregnant. The kidney stone was 2 cm shy of needing to be surgically removed. My Mom got drunk and told me she was going to send me away, threw all of my things in a suitcase, and chased me outside. I was terrified and wanted to get away from her. She chased me all the way down the street to the park but she left when she saw other people were watching.  At age 13, I lived with my Dad. His wife emotionally abused me. She shamed me for my period, and constantly told me I stunk because I did not want to wear tampons and wore pads instead. She told me I was fat, ugly, creepy, and that I would die alone. She’d put things in the food she knew I was disgusted by so I wouldn’t have anything to eat. I wasn’t allowed in the kitchen to cook other things. She blamed me for the mess her sons made; I had to clean after both she and them. When I gave up and started staying in my room all day, she tried to force me to stay outside. They talked to me about their sex life in detail. I heard them loudly having sex frequently. I said I was disgusted by sex. They told me I would want sex one day soon. My Dad tried to forcibly put me on the birth control pill because he said he knew I would have sex soon. I begged my grandfather to tell him not to do it. His wife would get me drunk because she thought it was funny. I watched them scream and throw things at each other. My Dad would promise me he knew what she was doing to me and that he’d leave her soon, and then the next day, tell me he never said that. They separated. I started having nightly panic attacks. I told my grandparents what was happening and they said they couldn’t be sure it was really happening because they didn’t live with me. My step grandmother told me my Mom abandoned me. I started having memory problems. I couldn’t stand being touched or people being too close to me anymore. I began having intrusive thoughts about people poisoning me so I stopped eating and drinking anything anyone else made.  At age 15, my Dad would leave the house for weeks at a time and not tell me where he was. I’d have no way of contacting him. He did not buy me school supplies or clothes. He screamed at me whenever I asked. He called me a bitch all the time. He’d constantly be drunk, high, or both. He sold all the furniture in my room one by one to buy weed and fake urine. I had my first panic attack at school. I cut off all of my friends. I couldn’t talk to people anymore.  At age 16, I went back with my Mom. Her husband was a predator. He’d stand outside my bedroom window at night, watch me through the window in the bathroom, make sexually charged comments at me, and masturbate to porn in the bathroom. He did the same to my sister. He took the locks off of our bedroom doors, and broke them so they couldn’t close all the way. I started sleeping with a knife under my pillow. I started having worsening panic attacks at school. I stopped going to school. I stopped sleeping. I started obsessively locking the doors at night. He started taking my little brother in the bedroom with him and locking the door. I was terrified. I told my Mom and she said I just didn’t want her to be happy. My memory problems got worse; I could no longer remember entire years of my life. We never had anything to eat. I lost a lot of weight and got a vitamin deficiency. I frequently missed school because I obsessed over the way my clothes felt. I would take every single item of clothing I owned and throw it all on the floor and get into a fit of rage every morning before I gave up and put on my pajamas and got back in bed. I suddenly became totally irrationally mortified of roaches; every time I saw one, I would just scream until I went numb with pure terror. And then I somehow also became irrationally terrified of planes crashing into my house.  At age 17, I started therapy. My therapist diagnosed me with OCD and PTSD. She didn’t have the training to do ERPT with me so she just did talk therapy with me as though I had anxiety. It didn’t help much. I told her about what my Mom’s husband was doing to us and she told me it wasn’t normal. I told my Dad and he insisted I move back with him again. I was too afraid to stay in the same house with his wife again. She played nice and pretended nothing ever happened. My Dad said overtime, he had accepted that everything was his fault and she never did anything wrong. I had an ovarian cyst rupture and they refused to take me to the hospital. They told me it was just a “bad period” and gave me ginger snaps and xanax. I moved in with my grandparents. I still had intrusive thoughts of my family member who was driving the car just stopping and telling me to get out in a random place. It was something i actively feared every time I got in a car with someone.  At age 18, my compulsive checking behaviors were extreme and preventing me from doing much of anything. I couldn’t even read without doing it anymore. I was having three to four panic attacks per day. I had extreme insomnia. I kept trying to get help at the doctors. They gave me zoloft, which gave me suicide ideation. I confided in my Aunt and grandfather these thoughts. They screamed in my face, told me they hated me, that I was a worthless coward, and called the police on me. I was terrified and ran away from them. The police followed me. My step grandmother would get drunk and throw things at me. She would slam things around me and not speak to me for weeks. My Aunt did exactly the same thing. Every single person in my family mocked me for trying to talk about my mental problems with them. They constantly reminded me that they were doing me a favor by letting me live with them and if I was unhappy I could get the fuck out. I was constantly afraid they would kick me out. I stopped telling them anything that wasn’t mindless praise and constant pleasantries because I didn’t want them to have any reason to kick me out. My dad invited me over to his house one day and I got flashbacks. I had a panic attack and left. I stopped talking to him too. I gained weight. I start obsessively checking my rearview mirror when driving because I was terrified I was going to hit a pedestrian.  At age 19, I got into a relationship. He pressured me sexually, constantly. He constantly ignored me to talk to other people and do other things. He never put down his phone when we were together. He pressured me to bend to his whim on my most cherished beliefs. Everything was an argument/debate. He shamed me for criticizing anything he did. He gaslit me constantly. I started remembering many things I had forgotten. My panic attacks were far less frequent over time, but I noticed I wasn’t interested in doing anything anymore. I frequently found myself sitting and staring at the wall for hours. I started randomly sobbing violently and uncontrollably whenever I got in my car. I missed an important meeting at school because I was obsessing over my clothes and couldn’t leave the house again. I stopped cooking for my family because I was afraid I was going to poison them or make them sick due to improper cooking.  At age 21, my one Aunt who called the police on me apologized for it. She said she never should have done that. It was the first time any of the adults in my family had ever apologized to me for anything. I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me for our entire relationship; he has dozens of accounts on secret social medias and dating sites and was actively speaking to other women and his ex all those times he ignored me. My sister was almost beaten by her partner at the time I found out. I was away from her and overwhelmed with fear that she would die. I still have frequent bouts of heavy sobbing that don’t seem to be related to anything. I have insomnia. I have flashbacks and panic attacks triggered by weird sensory things. I don’t have a relationship with my parents, grandparents, aunts, or uncles. I have no real life friends. I don’t speak to others often. I frequently self-isolate. I can feel fine one moment and the next I’m nonverbal and bawling my eyes out. I’m still terrified of roaches and I literally scream and duck onto the floor when planes fly too close overhead.  I’m going to be 22 soon. I’m not sure who I am outside of my trauma. I’m trying to stay positive. I’m writing this as I’m struggling with more insomnia. I don’t know who I am and most days feel joyless but you know what. I’m alive. I’m still here. I don’t have to be a victim anymore because I can fight back now. I’m not helpless anymore. I’m not dependent anymore. I will protect myself. This is what I tell myself. It makes me feel a little better. None of my symptoms have lessened at all but part of me feels better somehow. I know I need more therapy but don’t have any way of getting that atm. 

[sofeyhh]

Enigma

Bts Private Boarding School Au

Part 12 / ?

After an intense week of examination prep, the weekend finally rolls over. The dorm building was clustered with students going in and out of the rooms, segregated into two groups: the ones that stayed and the ones that flee back to their mansions. It was only two days but some of them would take that chance - without hesitation - to escape the academy. Reason being, the dorms provided were the epitome of independence, responsibility and self-reliance and most of these students grew up with 24k gold spoons in their mouth. In the absence of their multiple butlers, cooks and maids, they had no bearings of their own. Laundry, cooking and cleaning with their own hands? Blasphemy, they’d say. And so off they go running back to the comfort of their hired help.

Tucked away in room 307 were Yoongi and Jungkook, busy with the shipment that came in that morning. They hadn’t had time to organise and send out their orders due to the hectic schedules implemented by Director Jeon - ever since the disappointing results of the academy’s performance came in, the Director has been cramming as many extra classes into the school’s timetable, hoping that it’ll help raise the performance of the students.

“Turn off your damn phone if you’re just going to let it ring away,” Yoongi grumbled with a frown while he ticked away at his list. He’s always been quite the neat freak. Too neat, in fact, Jungkook thinks he suffers from OCD.

It had been the 7th time - Jungkook started keeping track after the 3rd time - that his mother was calling. The call would last 3 dials and then go completely silent, and this has been going on in the span of two hours. He hadn’t bothered picking up his mother’s call knowing that it wasn’t an emergency. If her calls last for longer than 5 dials, only then would Jungkook consider it one. That was his logic.

“Mum gets angrier if she knows my phone was turned off. If I ignore the calls then at least she’d think I was busy with something school related,” explained Jungkook.

Yoongi shrugs, not really interested in his friend’s house issues with his mother. All he cared about at that moment was getting his orders sent out promptly, especially now that some of his customers were demanding to get their goods before they leave for home.

“Here,” he said, shoving 5 black packages towards Jungkook along with another list he made. It had 5 names that matched to the ones printed on the packages, accompanied by the time and location of the meetup. “They’re the ones that are leaving today. Make sure you get there on time. I don’t need those bastards hammering away on our door.”

Yoongi goes back to packing up the orders that are due after the weekend ends. With a black envelope in one of his arms and a list in between his fingers, he collects the items of the order; picking it out of the containers like a buffet. Jungkook stuffs the packages in his bag and heads out, desperate to get to the locations on time. It made it even more complicated than some of these locations on the list were on opposite sides of the academy. And St Strachan Rutherford spanned over acres and acres of land.

“Call me if there’s any problem!”

---

6:32 pm it said on his watch. Jungkook had been so busy sending out orders and helping Yoongi sort the rest that the time had escaped him. He had only realised it was late into the evening when his stomach growled and grumbled, reminding him that dinner was waiting back at home.

He sighs as he checks the number of missed calls on his phone. It totalled up to 10 calls now. “I gotta go...my parents are probably already pissed at me.”

“Go on then,” Yoongi drawled from his position on his bed.

His eyes were half-lidded and his breathing was slowing down - easy signs that Min Yoongi was about to fall asleep. Yoongi was amongst the few students who could care less about heading home. The mere reason he even attended school was to avoid that place in the beginning.

“See you on Monday, Yoongs.” Those were the last words he heard before he drifts into complete darkness.

The sky was already a bruising blue when Jungkook walked down to where they kept the bikes. While his friends can happily drive up and down Rutherford Summit in their own cars, Jungkook still had to unchain his bike from the side of the dorm building. But that will soon change in approximately 5 months when he’s able to get his driving license. Jungkook daydreams about receiving the branded cars he’s been eyeing as he paddles down the street. He wanted something unique, different from the line of cars his friends already owned. Yoongi: a Jeep Wrangler, Taehyung: a Porsche Convertible, Jin: a Bugatti Chiron, Hoseok: a Maserati Quattroporte and Namjoon: a Jaguar F-Type. Those cars were hard to beat.

Jungkook finally spots his house, all floor-to-ceiling glass windows and wooden walls. His mother had a thing for contemporary houses. Everything about it, interior and exterior, was credited to her hard work. The gravel path rustles under the wheels of his bike as he manoeuvres it to the side of the garage. Only then, did he noticed the sleek black Rolls Royce parked right outside. Its interior was cream Italian leather furnished with polished marbled wood. They had a guest.

“Fuck,” Jungkook groaned as he hurried through the garage doors.

It was bad enough that he was late for dinner and missed his mother’s calls. But it only made it worse that they had guest over. He silently prayed it isn’t one of his father’s “Harvard University Colleagues”, as he loves to call them. The last time they had those friends over, his mum made him dress up in a stiff suit and squeaky Italian shoes and they had to use 4 different types of utensils just to eat grilled chicken. If there was one thing Jungkook loved, it was to eat with his hands in his comfy sweats and hoodie.

He bursts through the back of the kitchen to see his two hired chefs, Marlo and Jameson bustling about, dicing and sizzling and plating everything up. Tonight’s dinner was going to be Beef Wellington, grilled asparagus and roasted baby potatoes. Their brows were furrowed with focus but not a drop of sweat present on their temples. They waved a quick ‘hello’ to Jungkook without leaving sight of their cooking.

“Your mother’s worried about you,” Jameson murmured in his thick Irish accent.

Jungkook has practically grown up with the two chefs. Jameson was of Irish-German descent, tall, broad shoulders, sharp features, rich blue eyes and thinning blonde hair. He was a talker and would love to ramble on about his days in the European land to Jungkook - he swore he once lived on only potatoes and Irish beer for 2 years. Marlo was a runaway kid from Bulgaria who stowed away on a cargo ship and found himself in the foreign land of France. That was all Jungkook knew about the bald man. He rarely saw him talk and when he did, it was only to address his parents. For 16 years now, Marlo has never exchanged a word with Jungkook.

“She’s always like that, don’t you think?” the young boy said as he stealthily stabs a potato with a fork. “Which is really unnecessary. I was staying back with a friend to brush up on History.”

Jameson chuckles with a shake of his head. “Your lies don’t work with me lad.”

“I’m not lyi-”

“Not the time to argue,” he cuts Jungkook off with a jab of his spatula. “You should hurry on over upstairs and get changed. The Governor an’ his family are staying for dinner.”

Jungkook’s hand stops midair, his mouth agape. “The Governor? You mean the Kims are here?”

Of all the people, he wouldn’t have thought Jin’s family would be the honoured guests of the night. It prickled him to think about one of his schoolmates mingling around with his parents in the living room. He sees Jin as a schoolmate only because the term ‘friend’ seemed too intimate for the likes of his relationship with Kim Seokjin.

“Jameson darling! When will di-” his mother enters the kitchen with a sway in her hips, before catching sight of her unruly son, hidden away behind the marble island.

“Jeon Jungkook!” she barked as she marches over. Her red face, piercing eyes and gnarling teeth was a hair-raising contrast to the floral dress and white pearls she donned. “You better have an explanation for why you’re so late! And what’s wrong with your phone? I’ve called you a thousand times! I didn’t buy that piece of crap for you just so you can ignore my calls.”

“I’m sorry Ma! I was busy with school work! You know how tight my schedules are nowadays…” Jungkook pouts and puts his big puppy eyes to good use. He knows his mother was weak for them. “Thanks to Pa and his pride,” he mumbles.

Her eyes soften at the mention of his father. She was well aware of his antics and his obsession with the Academy. His mother sighs and beckons for him to come closer.

“Go and change honey,” she says in a soft voice. Her hand comes out to stroke his cheeks but stops, fingers curling in.

It always ended there, Jungkook noted. She always seemed to hold back and he never knew why. “Make it quick. We don’t want our guests waiting any longer than they should.”

With that, she spins around and stalks out of the kitchen, heels clicking against the marble floor. The chefs have their backs turned to Jungkook, appearing as if they weren’t in the room, and he didn’t like that. He was a realist, someone who was blunt and straightforward and he preferred people of the same calibre - mainly the reason why he loves having Yoongi by his side. The chefs, however, pretending like they didn’t nonchalantly eavesdrop on the exchange between his mother and him, was rubbing him the wrong way. Jungkook would rather they, especially Jameson, just comment on it.

---

“Examinations week is coming soon,” the Governor noted while cutting into his Wellington. “How is prep going, boys?”

Despite the Kim and Jeon household having a close connection, the two sons never seem to get along. They’ve known each other since kindergarten yet their relationship never crossed the line of ‘friends’. As they grew up, their personalities split right in the middle, reaching to the far sides of the spectrum with Jin gravitating towards school grades and being President of the Student Body and Jungkook gravitating towards every sports club available to him.

So to see Jin sitting across from him with his signature sweet demeanour and perky smile and putting on the facade that they’re the best of friends, miffed him.

“Amazingly well, if I do say so myself. Now that Director Jeon implemented the new schedule, it really has helped the students to keep track of all the topics we need to revise and at the same time, helps the teachers cover a wider range of issues that the students struggle with,” Jin said with poised confidence.

His words flowed like smooth honey, thick with flattery. Jungkook had to keep a scoff from coming out of his lips. That boy has always been good at cajoling adults - from parents to teachers, Jin has them all wrapped around his pinky.

“And you, Jungkook?”

Jungkook looks up to his right to see Mr Kim watching him intently. His expression said: I’m all ears but I’m pretty sure your answer won’t beat my son’s. He sees Jin’s competitive streak tracing back to this man. Then he glances over to his father, who was, by then, eyeing him too. His expression simply said: Don’t humiliate your father. Jungkook takes a deep breath and fronted his act - his eyes were wide open, his smile was bright and his back was as straight as a plank of wood.

“I definitely agree with Jin,” he says. “Father’s schedule has gotten everyone studying hard, extra focused and extra determined to bring the academy’s grades up.”

Jin’s brisk glance hadn’t gone unnoticed by Jungkook. It was a flicker of understanding between the two - no matter how unconventional it was. The least they could do was to go along with each other’s acts.

“Yes, you’re doing a very good job Seung-Woo. I passed a copy of your schedule to the president of Hawkings University, and he absolutely loved it. Innovative, that’s what he said,” Mr Kim commented. “Mr Buratto said that with your schedule, St Strachan’s students are sure runners for the university’s top spots.”

Hawkings University - it was all the students could ever talk about, and Jin and Namjoon were no exceptions. On and on they drone, about acing every piece of graded work so their university application would look spotless. Some would even brag that they only needed to apply to Hawkings for it was a no-brainer that they’d get accepted.

The 306-year-old ivy league school sat on a land, as big as at least 5 acres, an hour away from their town. The entire campus looked like a small town on its own, with roads that intertwined around the buildings, adorned with their own cafes and parks, a thousand recreational activities and a library that spanned over two football fields. It was simply put, magnificent. But Jungkook had no interest, making him the minority within the student population.

He was eyeing a college overseas, far away from his home. He has considered plenty of foreign countries that house eligible colleges - so desperate to get out of this town that South Korea’s universities were a possibility. What’s wrong with going back to the land where his great-grandparents came from, right? But his fantasies had to be kept a secret until he was in a position where his father would say yes to anything. And so he uses that as motivation to work harder in his school work. Jungkook wasn’t doing it for Jeon Seung-Woo and his bloody pride. He was doing it for himself. Slowly, his ears trail back to the dinner conversation.

“-no doubt that Jin would be accepted.”

“His grades have been soaring through the roof. He’s the pride and joy of St Strachan,” Jungkook’s father gushes. “There’s no other student that surpasses your son Joon-ho.”

Jungkook watches Jin bask in the praises and compliments thrown by the adults at the table. Even his own parents were admiring Kim Seokjin. For the longest time, it’s been like that - his parents would never stop comparing him to Jin, and most of the time, Jin takes the spotlight. He would much rather be compared to his own brothers because, at the very least, they were his own flesh and blood.

“Oh, but Mr Jeon! Jungkook here, he can beat me in any and every sport out there,” Jin commented, dragging Jungkook into the conversation. “The boys and I always watch his games and he’s a beast. No wonder he’s team captain for all the sports club!”

“You’re the team captain honey? That’s amazing,” Jin’s mom said with a smile. The smile was more of a congratulatory offering.

“Sports,” Jungkook’s father said gruffly. “That’s not going to get you a spot in the top university son. Grades will, and that won’t happen until you put all your focus into your studies.”

He was used to his father’s stark words so he all he does is nod and take a bite out of his roasted potato - not that the seasoned herbs helped with the flavour; it all tasted like ash in his mouth. There was no good in trying to argue with his father because he’ll easily shoot you down with a hush and a glare. But Jin, being the optimistic people-pleaser that he was, delved a little deeper into the conversation.

“Don’t worry Mr Jeon, Jungkook has been working hard,” Jin assured him before Jungkook could tell him to stop. “He’s always studying with Namjoon after classes.”

“Namjoon? Is that one of your friends?” Jin’s father asked.

“Only the smartest kid in school,” Jungkook said casually. “He tops the school grades every year.”

He has been silent for the most part of dinner. But now that it came down to the pride of his friend, he suddenly found his voice. Also, silently, Jungkook’s had enough of hearing about the perfect Jin. This whole time, they’ve only been praising the second-best.

“Top? No, that can’t be true,” Mr Kim chuckled. “Jin here is-”

“Nope, it’s true sir. Kim Namjoon, the one who has been tutoring me, is actually the top student of the school. He’s always a few points above Jin. Ask my father if you don’t believe me,” Jungkook challenged. He saw Jin bristle at his words.

Jin’s father gazes questioningly at the Director of the academy. He clears his throat and answered, but not without sugarcoating it, “Yes, well, both your son and this Namjoon boy has done our school very proud. They’re always competing for the top spot and I think it’s healthy competition.”

Jungkook internally scoffs at his father and rolls his eyes. As much as his father is a frightening authoritative figure in his school, he can easily become the beta under the scrutiny of men in higher positions and men he needed to favour him.

“This Namjoon boy?” he repeated his father’s words with finger air-quotes. He was getting furious now. “You can’t even say the full name of the boy that won a thousand competitions for the academy, earning St Strachan so many titles? In case you forgot father, Kim Namjoon single-handedly brought back a gold trophy for the country-wide chess competition, won the Oxford essay competition, placed in the top 3 for the solo worldwide Scholastic Decathlon and got 1st place in the Mathematical Olympiad. Right Jin?”

Jungkook looks over to Jin, urging him to give his input and to throw in more of Namjoon’s accomplishments. The ones that he listed barely scraped the surface of what his friend has done. And of all the people that knew of it, it would be Jin. Those two were always babbling about taking part in competitions that Jungkook never even knew existed.

But Jin sits quietly, licking and biting his lips like he was caught on the fence between remarking about how Namjoon was, in a way, better than him and staying silent so as to not tarnish the way his parents see him. Jungkook could clearly see that the blonde boy was leaning towards the latter. He was disappointed, but not surprised.

“Ah, these kind of kids are the typical epitome of having private tutors,” Jin’s father chuckled condescendingly. “I bet my money that the boy’s parents desperately hired a million tutors to get that kid up on the charts.”

Jungkook’s fist was curled and tightened, his rage boiling in him. He swore, the moment he sees red, he has nothing to lose and would pounce on the bloody Governor just like that. It was this kind of shit that he hated to put up with. Parents in Ashborne Village knew nothing but to put down other kids just so their daughters and sons could bask in the spotlight. It irked him to see that a grown man would piss on a family just to save his own face.

“If I were you, sir, I wouldn’t bet my money on anything,” Jungkook snapped. “Namjoon’s parents are the most caring and supportive people out of everyone in this town. Now if you’re going to insult them, I can’t stand for that-”

“Jungkook,” his father warned him in a low voice.

But he wasn’t stopping now. “It’s a pity that an adult like you can’t accept the fact that someone else is better than you son. You’re a spineless, egoistic man that shits on people.”

“How dare you-”

“Jeon Jungkook!” his father roared as he slammed his fists down on the table, startling everyone. His face was red, seething with humiliation and anger. “I never taught any of my sons to be rude to elders. I shall have none of it in this household. Get to your room boy, I will deal with you later.”

Jungkook’s bones were rattling with fury as he stands up. He gives a piercing gaze at Jin, who sat flushed with his head hanging. “What a good friend you are, Kim Seokjin,” he snarled before leaving the table.

He charges down the hallway and up to his room. The faint apologies of his parents can be heard echoing in the house. Jungkook slams the door shut, wanting to hear none of it. Those apologies were rotten only because they didn’t deserve it. The jittery anger in him hasn’t fizzled out yet, making him pace around his room, huffing and cursing. With his conscience thrown out the window, Jungkook grabbed a duffel bag from under his bed. He wasn’t staying in this damned house tonight, he decided.

With everything packed, he stealthily climbs out one of the windows, grateful that it was facing the side of the back of the house. He hears his parents ushering the Governor and his family out through the front door, still gushing apologies for their son’s rude behaviour. Funny how they saw Jungkook’s outburst as rude but didn’t call it out when Jin’s father was busy insulting someone.

Jungkook lands with a dull thud the paved walkway that ran along the back of his house. The lights of the Rolls Royce illuminated the hedges to his left as the car drove out of the driveway. He waits a while for the car to drive away before sprinting to the back of his house and jumping over the fence.

His destination was only a few blocks away.

BTS AU Masterlist

[georgiadaveyphotography-blog]

Personal case study

Case Study of sufferer – A Personal view

I have presented this case study in short sentences:

* Aged 15 - Wanted to be healthy, started eating “healthy foods” weighed myself every morning/afternoon and exercising everyday.

* Restricted my intake to one bowl of soup for dinner and running for 3 hours a day ontop of attending school, walking to and from school. Weighed myself after everytime I went to the toilet.

* Digestive system slowed down - turned to laxatives.

* Still thought I was just “being healthy”.

* February 2013 Family noticed weight loss.Took me to doctors - told to go private due to the NHS waiting list for CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services)

* Went to The Priory hospital - diagnosed with EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Specified)- told to be removed from school - given meal plan.

* Had several appointments then diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa.

* Blood tests weekly.

* Struggled with the meal plan - argued - refused to eat.

* Transferred to CAMHS - family therapy - CBT weekly

* Relapsed - refused to eat or drink for 5 days - admitted to hospital

* Stabilised - released after 10 days

* Eating disorder since then has been up and down. Weight fluctuating, thoughts fluctuating.

The emotions I had during the beginning of my experience were one of confusion, fear and anger. As I have had to cope and deal with this condition on a daily basis I understand when I am having a good day, bad day and my triggers.

Due to the malnutrition, in 2013, my memory around this time is very limited. I cannot remember a lot of what happened during the start of recovery and even a month or two before diagnosis.

One clear memory I have was when it was ‘dinner’ on my meal plan, mum had cooked 2 quorn fillets, 3 broccoli florets and 4 boiled new potatoes. I refused to eat, shouted at her and threw the plate of food on the floor. It was a sudden thing, I did not feel myself do it. It just happened.

Back then, I was under the control of the eating disorder so much because I had no idea what was going on. I had surrendered to the voice and obeyed. Now, I have an understanding of how this disorder can make to act and think. I feel that it is important to accept this disorder in order to help yourself. Honesty is always the best policy, with yourself and with those helping you.

On a daily basis, I have to remind myself to eat. Getting into a routine with food when you have an eating disorder is hard to accomplish.

“Not hungry? Don't eat, wait for later. Still not hungry? Wait for tomorrow.” you have to ignore this voice and eat.

Avoiding food is a mastered habit. “Another way to get there is avoiding the cafeteria? Its longer? Oh well, stops the temptation and possibility of weakness” Now you're 10 minutes late to that workshop, well done.

“Do you want a chip?

No, I’m eating when I get home” One chip won’t do anything.

“Oh you need to concentrate on that essay? That deadline? Naa, what you gunna have for dinner later?”

“Should you go out for a drink with your friends tonight? Oh you're too tired? You're too cold? Your back hurts? Feeling dizzy? Shame.”

When it comes to irrational thoughts, you overthink things and this happens a lot.

Regarding food and social matters.

Group of people looking at you? They must think you're ugly/fat/out of place.

Think you said the wrong thing? Did the person react funny or reply rude or abrupt? No? They must be kidding the fact I said the wrong thing to save my embarrassment.

The disorder tends to increase anxiety to make you avoid situations so it can get in control off all aspects of your life. It wants you as prisoner. You've got to ignore it and continue what YOU want to do. Only thing is, even when you do that you'll over think it, just as much as you would have if you'd avoided it. And that, is an eating disorders best friend. Anxiety.

Feeling low? Don't want to get out of bed? Would rather stay in your room rather than go out and socialise and put on a fake smile? That’s an eating disorders other ‘best friend’ talking - Depression.

Oh, you also have rituals you have to do? Eat from certain bowls, use certain cutlery? Can’t have different food touching each other? That is the third ‘friend’ that creeps in sometimes, OCD.

In society, eating disorders are regarded in a poor light. So they should, but the person whom is suffering should not be in that light. The sufferer is not an eating disorder, it is not their identity. No, you cannot trust the disorder but you can trust the individual.

From experience, I have come across prejudice and ignorance from medical professionals, friends and also the extended family.

I can understand it from family and friends at the beginning of the condition, how would you understand something that the individual doesn't understand or even accept themselves. When you're uneducated in the matter you can ignore the comments but when it is coming from medical professionals. People that have studied medical care, through direct experience, have had poor understanding of the psychological and psychiatric conditions associated with the condition.

When I was transferred to CAMHS, my first assessment was with a so called ‘well-qualified’ senior Psychiatrist, someone who claimed to have my best interests at heart but said everything that should not have been said to someone that needed their expert help, to someone with a fast deteriorating mental health and physical health.

I was told I was not skinny enough, (but clearly in need of help) and that I could go back to school (which was one of the catalysts to my disorder). This created a relapse, I refused the meal plan that was given to me from The Priory and I continued back to the routine of soup and exercise.

My parents demanded a new therapist to have an assessment with, which I got and I worked with throughout the rest of my recovery.

My second example is when I was hospitalised. The nurses on my ward treated me as ‘the eating disorder patient’ and held the view that my condition was self-inflicted and that I shouldn’t be taking up bed space. They spoke to me abruptly, asked me directly if I was hiding sick in my bag after my meals, which was made clear in my notes was never an issue with my experience. They had conversations about me and my condition in hearing distance of my bed, which made me anxious and angry around them.

“Check her bag next to her bed when she's asleep” “Check her hands for teeth marks” I made it clear I was aware, my disordered mind was angry. So when one of the nurses came to complete checks, I made the point of lifting my bag up to them and saying “would you like to check for that pasta I had last night?” No words said, they would look into the bag and then carryout my temperature checks and blood pressure.

I can't talk for others that have been in inpatient for this disorder, but my personal experience was that they acted in a negatively judgmental manner and not at all encouraging for recovery.

[angry-mango]

103 questions

Alisons: Sexuality? ollie

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender? she/her, female

Amaryllis: Birthday? december 28

Anemone: Favorite flower? snapdragons

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show? i have a lot right now but it’ll probably always be supernatural

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger? like 2 hours

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes? i love quotes but i don’t really have a favorite

Aubrieta: Favorite drink? arizona green tea

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? n/a i’ve never kissed anyone

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love? currently 😌

Baneberries: Favorite song? my blood (tøp)

Basket of Gold: Describe your family. complicated

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it? i have two: ollie and jonathan

Begonia: Favorite color? black or red

Bellflower: Favorite animal? sloth

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person? both

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be? a sloth

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? a vet

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children? love them but like? also hate them but i feel like it’s way different when it’s yours and you know how to raise them does that make sense

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why? losing people, bad storms, the uncontrollable

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood. i ate cat food once

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth? i’d fly to ohio and kiss ollie

Buttercup: Relationship Status? basically taken

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go? that cat cafe in japan

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved? talking to ollie

Canna: Do you have any tattoos? not yet (devastating, i know)

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings? two on each ear

California Poppy: Height? five one

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts? yes

Carnation: What are you currently wearing? black tshirt, jean shorts (what a rare sighting)

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight? yes

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged? jonathan

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed? my cat

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font? haven’t used fonts in a while but i’m pretty sure it’s georgia

Columbine: Are you tired? permanently

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to? right now, getting my income tax

Coneflower: Dream job? vet tech but who knows i might change my mind in a couple days (although i’m pretty sure this time)

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert? introvert

Crocus: Have you ever been in love? you already asked this, dumbass

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about? hours

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it? this bunny from build a bear, i named her swirly cuz she has almost like a rosette pattern on her fur, i still have her

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign? capricorn

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering? no

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment? surviving up til now

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)? uh sorry bout that

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to? ollie

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at? gaming i guess

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at? literally everything

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month? 1- ive lost 5 pounds this month 2- ollie makes me really soft and i’m just super in love with her 3- i bought some new clothes and they’re two sizes down so it makes me really happy to wear them

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today? it’s actually been great

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life? not really but i’m working on it

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two? hopefully get my ged, start working on college or some kind of second education like that, and maybe meet ollie cuz i don’t wanna wait any longer >:(

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life? ollie, my mom, my gamecube, my cats, my bee necklace, my tahitian bracelet, fall out boy, twenty one pilots, my ipad, and my pillow

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed? ollie (i know she’s been in like 30 of these answers but it’s the truth), sometimes just breathing and sitting on the floor, doing my hair

Hellebore: How do you show affection? idk i’m really bad at it but i try? i usually remind them like a hundred times a day that i love them, check up on them, buy them stuff (only if i REALLY love them though)

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of? i defeated the shadow queen at age 6 >:)

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day. sounds lazy but literally watching tv with a cozy blanket

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time? video games

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them? ollie: through instagram, five months. jonathan: middle school, six years

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything? y’all already know.

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have? i wanna say four friends but there’s other acquaintances that i’m close to

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? ollie called me pretty once or like twelve times

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself? disgusting. don’t talk to me about that thing.

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself? uh i can bake a mad chocolate chip cookie 

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? myself

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child? i liked littlest pet shop and eating breakfast idk

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid? the r*xana 😔

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for? dropping out of school

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about? mental illnesses

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name? annie means grace. while my mom was pregnant, she had a dream where a curly haired little girl with a round face was running and she kept calling “annie” so she decided to name me that. weirdly enough, as i grew up, i had the same curly brown hair and round face that she saw in her dream.

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it. i grew up in a small house with my mom and dad until i was six. i don’t want to talk about it here because it’s kinda private and personal and i don’t wanna share it with the world.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up? my bedroom used to be really messy but as i grew up and developed my ocd everything’s pretty neat most of the time

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  i’m still a teenager calm down. it’s horrible there’s too much pressure i wanna be twelve again

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom. she’s amazing but she also makes me feel like shit a lot

Onions: Tell about your dad. where do i begin. used to be a complete asshole until a couple years ago he got a girlfriend that completely turned him around bless her soul. she broke up with him though. distant but i still love him with all my heart. i worry about him alot.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents. moms mom (granny)- lives with me, i have to love her cuz she provides for us but god damn she gets on my nerves and i’m pretty sure she hates me. moms dad- used to be really cool, disappeared for six years, came back two years ago, now he’s an alcoholic, has dementia, and is a complete asshole. he’s dead to me. dads mom- the kind of grandparent that appears during holidays and birthdays and stuff and then disappears for most of the year. dads dad- wasn’t too close to him, but he died six months ago from cancer and i got pretty sad about it. he looked a lot (a lot) like my dad but just much older, so to see him in the hospital bed with all the tubes attached to him.. it was pretty emotional.

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable? most memorable birthday was probably age six i think?? i had a really cool birthday party at a park with some first grade friends, and i took an iconic picture thats super cute and i still look at occasionally but it’s hard bc it’s got the r*xana in it

Peony: What was your first job? i’ve never had one

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any? met her through instagram

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain? grit my teeth, walk around, distract myself

Pink: Where is home? technically, miami. but home is a feeling.

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change? i don’t know, really. i know it’s impossible and it’s totally metaphorical but if i could, not only could i not choose just one, but i do believe in destiny and i worry that if i change something then everything down the road would change and maybe i wouldn’t have met you her.

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them. i don’t really look up to anyone i just wanna be a good person and i also wanna be thin.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life. well number one, this would take forever, number two, youre the only person that’s probably gonna read this and and you already know

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child? the basics: santa, easter bunny, tooth fairy

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life? hmm i wonder who 😌

Rose: What’s your favorite sound? everything’s quiet except for the rain falling on the window, maybe some light music in the background

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory? i don’t want to think about this right now

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory? also don’t want to think about this right now

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want? you

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things? it’s usually really difficult but you make it so easy somehow

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without? once again, you. but also gamecube or flowers or bagels or hoodies or nail polish

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night? a lot actually? i think like eight hours woah that’s a weeks worth

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning? i’m about to copy and paste these answers they’re getting repetitive

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job? pretty good, being that i don’t have one

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing? generally? hoodies. my personal one? it’s either my new black pants or my trench hoodie

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic. damn i don’t even know 🥵 it’s probably white or light furniture and windows with natural light shining in on houseplants and nice comfortable sofas

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you? i love clothes or flowers or money

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now? i’m not stressed about anything at this minute so i don’t wanna think about something that’s stressing me out because then i’ll start stressing about it

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called? i read the fallen queen on wattpad does that count

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year? hopefully getting somewhere with my education. i’d love to get my ged instantly but i’m not gonna pressure myself or be upset at myself if i don’t pass the test the first time. i might have to take classes for it, and that’s okay. i hope.

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is? whasthat

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself. i hate food but love cooking/baking