#I have seen/heard one (1) other opera with music by a woman

[babyseraphim]

1910's music: Edwin Payne style

Hi ya’ll! Friendly music teacher/opera singer here to answer a question that pretty much no one has asked (except me): what music would Edwin have listened to/enjoyed when he was alive?

I’ve separated this into three different genres (classical, jazz, and pop), so the entire thing is pretty long. I've also tried to give references for any additional information provided, but most of it is coming straight from my brain after years of music history classes, so feel free to correct me if I get anything wrong.

Classical Music

So, the first thing to know about me is that I’m a big pianist!Edwin truther, and I'm going to be talking about it a lot in this post. It was extremely common for families (especially wealthy families) to have their children train in some sort of instrument from an early age back then, so learning music was something that Edwin likely would have been forced to do.

There are some classical pieces that I have already heard mention of amongst the fandom, so I will stick them in the 'honorable mentions' section, but I want to feature some music that I haven't seen mentioned in conjunction with Edwin's character yet. 1. Erik Satie's Trios Gnosiennes (1893)

So, I've always associated the first three Gnosiennes with Edwin not only because they're so hauntingly beautiful, but also because they're rhythmically very different than a lot of other classical music of his time. The Gnosiennes are largely played in 'free time' (with no time signatures or bar lines), which is a bit unusual for the genre (though modern classical music has a lot more of it). Satie's music really pulled away from a lot of musical customs, spurning traditional forms and tonal structures in favor of more creative options, and I think Edwin would have really enjoyed it.

Edwin's possible interest in breaking musical customs will come back a lot throughout this post, but given that he is often characterized as going against the social grain (whether he was trying to or not), I think he really would have enjoyed Satie's works as a whole. However, Trios Gnosiennes just really speak to me for his character.

2. Igor Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring (premiered in 1913)

The Rite of Spring was a Russian ballet that Stravinsky was commissioned to write for the Ballet Russes company. The work was known for its dissonance and barbarity, and the dancing was described as 'jerky' and 'hedonistic'.

Now, do I think that Edwin would have particularly enjoyed the sound of the the Rite of Spring? Maybe not, but I imagine he likely would have respected its departure from the musical decorum of his time (the piece later went on to be considered one of the the earliest examples of modernism in music). The first public showing of The Rite of Spring caused the theater to break out into a riot partially due to the fact that they thought the music/dancing was a work of blasphemy, and I just think Edwin would have found that hilarious.

3. Gaetano Donizetti's Lucia di Lammermoor (1835), particularly Spargi d'amaro pianto (the famous 'mad scene' aria)

I don't think Edwin would have been a fan of opera as a whole, but I do think that this work's entertaining twists, literary origins, and technically challenging composition might have caught his eye (I even went so far as to sing through this aria a few nights ago because I was curious, and yeah, its really fucking hard).

Lucia di Lammermoor is a tragic opera based on the 1819 novel The Bride of Lammermoor by Walter Scott, which was based on the real life story of a woman named Janet Dalrymple. Lucia was performed at the Met nearly every season from 1903-1972, and I imagine that if it was doing well in America, it must have been doing numbers in Europe.

Honorable Mentions - Claude Debussy's Clair de Lune and Deux Arabesques - Frédéric Chopin's Noctures (particularly Op. 9, No. 1) and Études (particularly Op. 25, No. 11) - Erik Satie's Trios Gymonepdies

Jazz Music

So, this is where my pianist!Edwin headcanon starts to diverge from the pretty much all of the other music-related headcanons I've seen.

Technically speaking, 'jazz' as we know it didn't really exist when Edwin was alive; he died literally one the cusp of the the Golden Age of Jazz, which is a huge fucking bummer. Jass (as it would've have been referred to in the 1910's) mostly consisted of ragtime and early blues, and was considered to be a 'fringe' style of music (pretty much entirely due to racism). As far as acceptability went, being a teenager with a love for 'jass' in the 1910's would have been the social equivalent of being a teenager with a love for ska or punk music in the 80's (the parallels!!!)

I think its pretty well argued within the fandom that Edwin is a bit rebellious when it come to authority and societal standards, and even though I think he was probably less of a little shit while he was alive, there's no way he was just totally fine with living inside the lines. I posit that, as a rebellion, he would have spurned classical music and became a ragtime pianist (which was one of the main precursors to jazz as we know it today). I actually wrote a fic about this way back when I first joined the fandom, for anyone who's interested!

1. Scott Joplin's Sugar Cane Rag (1908), Fig Leaf Rag (1908), and Paragon Rag (1909)

Scott Joplin (the King of Ragtime) was the most famous ragtime pianist of all time, and one of the driving forces behind creating the jazz genre as we know it. I guarantee that you guys have heard his most famous song, The Entertainer, at least once, and have probably heard his Maple Leaf Rag as well. If Edwin was into ragtime, then its a sure thing that he would have been a big fan of Scott Joplin's rags. I picked the three that I thought suited him best.

2. James Scott's Frog Legs Rag (1906) and Sunburst Rag (1909)

James Scott was also a famous American ragtime composer, and both of the listed songs would have been released when Edwin was pretty young. He probably wouldn't have been old enough to play them for a few years, depending on his training, but thinking of a little 12 year old Edwin learning to play these (as well as Scott Joplin's rags) in his free time just fucking tickles me. I love it so much.

3. Davy Peyton and Spencer Williams' I Ain't Got Nobody, recorded by Marion Harris in 1916

I Ain't Got Nobody was an early jazz standard from 1915 that eventually developed into a multi-genre standard (meaning that it was considered a standard for multiple genres, ranging from jazz to pop to country). I don't have a lot of reasoning for this one other that I think that Edwin would have just really liked Marion Harris' voice.

Honorable Mentions - Euday L. Bowman's Twelfth Street Rag (aka the Spongebob song) - Artie Matthews' Weary Blues

Pop Music

So, a disclaimer here. My music degree required me to take jazz and classical music history classes, which did not cover pop music of the 1910's, so I have fewer historical insights to offer about this genre. However, whenever I think about these songs, I always picture Edwin listening to them through a phonograph while doing homework on his bed, like a teenage girl listening to Sabrina Carpenter or Chappell Roan while studying (I know that's silly, but I think its just such a fun visual). 1. Leo Friedman's Let Me Call You Sweetheart, recorded by the Arthur Clough in 1910

Let Me Call You Sweetheart was one of the highest charting songs throughout the early 1910's, and the most popular version was recorded by a group called the Peerless Quartet. Edwin doesn't really strike me as a quartet enjoyer, though, and this version by Arthur Clough was released the same year. I think he would have enjoyed the tonal quality of Clough's voice much more.

2. Grace Le Boy's The Good Ship Mary Anne, recorded by Nora Bayes in 1914

Nora Bayes was a very famous vaudeville performer of the 1920's, and lot of her biggest hits were recorded shortly after Edwin died (like, literally 1917-1925). I wrote a snippet for a fic that got left on the cutting room floor a while back about the song itself providing a positive association with the term 'Mary Anne', and I still stick by that. In this song, the name 'Mary Anne' only refers to a ship.

3. Irving Berlin's Alexander's Ragtime Band, recorded by Arthur Collins and Byron G. Harlan in 1911

So, this song could technically go under the jazz section, but I'm going to put it here, and I'll explain why. Jazz is an art from that was created and popularized by black musicians, which is why it was seen as such an undesirable art form for such a long time. People liked the music, but they didn't like that it was made by black artists. Alexander's Ragtime Band originated in Tin Pan Alley and was one of the top charting songs for much of 1911 (first in America, then overseas), but it was created by a white artist that was simply 'jumping a trend'. Strictly speaking, genre-wise, its not even a ragtime song—it's a march. It's just about ragtime.

I honestly don't really even like this song that much, and I'm not sure Edwin would have very strong feelings about it either. However, it was an extremely pivotal song for the time period, and likely would have been inescapable (or as inescapable as music could be back in the 1910's, given that music required either records or live performances). Think of it as the equivalent of a pop song that you could really do without, but its so popular that it keeps winning awards and playing in every Forever 21 and H&M within a ten mile radius.

Honorable Mentions - Gus Edwards' By the Light of the Silvery Moon, recorded by Ada Jones - Percy Wenrich's Moonlight Bay, recorded by Dolly Connolly

~~~~

I hope you guys enjoyed this! I also made a playlist, if you'd like to take a look (I couldn't find all the songs, and not all of them are time period accurate, but I tried my best).

If ya'll liked this, I might make one for Charles and dive into ska and Rude Boy culture a little bit. Feel free to send me any questions or ideas you have about all this stuff, too! I love talking about it.

For the people who asked to be tagged: @likemmmcookies @edwinspaynes @asnottoldbyginger @rexrevri

@l-nightmare @ricebees @aroacespacerock @haledamage

(plus i'm tagging you, @laiqualaurelote, because I feel you would appreciate this)

[tilbageidanmark]

Movies I watched this week (#169):

3 by forgotten [re-discovered?] Turkish director, Metin Erksan:

🍿  Dry Summer, a mesmerizing 1964 Turkish masterpiece I never heard of before. It tells of a greedy peasant who refuses to share the water on his field with his neighbors, as well as his scheme to steal his younger brother's new bride. (Photo Above). A rustic tragedy featuring one of the most insidious screen villains ever. Highly recommended. 9/10.

It was championed and restored by Martin Scorsese's 'World Cinema Project'. (I'm going to start chewing through their list of preserved classics from around the world.)

🍿 Time to love (1965) is a fetishistic, probably-symbolic, melodrama about a poor house painter who falls in love with a wall portrait of a woman, but who can't or won't love the real person. Lots of brooding while heavy rains keep pouring down, and traditional oud music drones on. Strikingly beautiful black and white cinematography elevates this strange soap opera into something that Antonioni could have shot.

🍿 "May Allah's mercy be upon her! May Allah's mercy be upon her! May Allah's mercy be upon her!"

In 1974 Erksan directed the cheesy Seytan ("Satan"), a plagiarized, unauthorized Turkish rip-off of 'The Exorcist'. It was a schlocky, nearly a shot-by-shot copy, and included the blood spurting, head spinning, cursing, stairs, a young actress that looked strikingly like Linda Blair, and even extensive use of Mike Oldfield's 'Tubular Bells'. But it eliminated the Catholic element and had none of the superb decisions of the William Friedkin's version. 1/10.

🍿  

Agnès Varda's deceivingly blissful drama, Le Bonheur. Exquisite, subversive and beautifully simple, about an uncomplicated man who's completely happy with his idyllic life, his loving wife and two little children. But one summer day he takes on an attractive mistress, while still feeling uncommonly fulfilled and undisturbed. Varda lets the Mozart woodwind score do all the heavy interpretive lifting of this disturbing feminist take of the bourgeoisie. Just WOW! 8/10.

At this point, I should just complete my explorations of Varda's oeuvre, and see the rest of her movies. Also, I'm going to take a deep dive one day into the many terrific movies from 1965 (besides the many I've already seen, 'Red Beard', 'Simon of the desert', 'Repulsion', 'The spy who came in from the cold', 'Juliet of the spirit', 'Pierrot the fool'...).

/ Female Director

🍿

2 by amazing Bulgarian director Milko Lazarov:

🍿 Ága, my first Bulgarian film, but it plays somewhere in Yakutsk, south of the Russian arctic circle. An isolated old Inuit couple lives alone in a yurt on the tundra. Slow and spiritual, their lives unfold in the most unobtrusive way, it feels like a documentary. But the simplicity is deceiving, this is film-making of the highest grade, and once Mahler 5th was introduced on a small transistor radio, it's transcendental. The emptiness touched me deeply.

Together with 93 other movies, this was submitted by Bulgaria to the 2019 Oscars (the one won by 'Parasite'). How little we know; If selected, we might have all be talking about it. Absolutely phenomenal! The trailer represents the movie well. 10/10

(It also reminded me very much of the Bolivian drama 'Utama' from 2022, another moving story of an elderly Indian couple living alone in the desert, tending to their small flock of llamas.)

🍿 Milko Lazarov made only one earlier film, the minimalist Alienation in 2013. It tells of Yorgos, a middle age Greek man, (impassively played by the father from 'Dogtooth'), who crosses the border to Bulgaria to buy a newborn baby. But it's not as bad as it sounds, because he's actually helping the impoverished surrogate mother (who looks like young Tilda Swinton) who can't effort to keep him. Another stark and snail-like drama about quiet people who barely speak, told with the masterful language of a true poet. Like 'Ága', it too opens with a stunning close up of a lengthy incantation in an unfamiliar language. I wish he made more movies. 8/10.

🍿  

2 more arctic dramas:

🍿 The original movie about indigenous Inuks, Nanook of the North, from 1922, was the first feature-length documentary to achieve commercial success. An engaging slice of life of an Inuit family, even if some of the scenes were staged. 💯 score on Rotten Tomatoes.

🍿 "Many of the scientists involved with climate change agree: The end of human life on this planet is assured."

Another fascinating Werner Herzog documentary, Encounters at the end of the world. About the "professional dreamers" who live and work at McMurdo Station in Antarctica; divers who venture to explore life under the the ice, volcanologists who burrow into ice caves, etc. Herzog's 'secret sauce' is finding the most outrageous, interesting spots on earth, and then just going there and letting his camera do his bidding.

🍿

2 fantastic shorts by Hungarian animator Réka Bucsi:

🍿 Her 2014 Symphony No. 42 consists of 47 short & whimsical vignettes, without any rhyme or rhythm; A farmer fills a cow with milk until it overflows, a zoo elephant draws a "Help me" sign, a UFO sucks all the fish from the ocean, wolves party hard to 'La Bamba', an angry man throws a pie at a penguin, two cowboys holding blue balloons watch a tumbleweed rolls by, a big naked woman cuddle with a seal, etc. Earlier than Don Hertzfeldt's 'World of tomorrow' and my favorite Rúnar Rúnarsson's 'Echo', it's a perfect piece of surrealist chaos. 10/10

My happiest, unexpected surprise of the week!

/ Female Director

🍿 Love (2016), a lovely meditation on nature, poetry and cats in the cosmos. 8/10.

/ Female Director

🍿

Françoise Dorléac X 2:

🍿 Her name was Françoise ("Elle s’appelait Françoise") is a fluff bio-piece about the utterly gorgeous model-actress, who died at a fiery car-crush at 25, and who left a legacy of only a few important films. It includes previously-unseen, enchanting clips and photos from her short life. But then is cuts into her and sister Catherine Deneuve practicing their "Pair of Twins" song-and-dance from 'The Young Girls of Rochefort', the most charming musical in the world, and life is sunny again.

/ Female Director

🍿 That man from Rio, her breakthrough film, was a stupid James Bond spoof, inspired by 'The adventures of Tintin'. Unfortunately, it focused on protagonist Jean-Paul Belmondo, and used Dorléac only as eye-candy. It's the first film I've seen from Brasília, just a few years after it was constructed. 2/10.

🍿

Paintings and Film X 3:

🍿 'Painting Nerds' is a YouTube channel by 2 Scottish artists, putting up intelligent video essays about the art of painting. Paintings In Movies: From '2001: A Space Odyssey' to 'Portrait of a Lady on Fire' is an insightful meditation which explores the relationship between the two art forms. Among the many examples it touches on are the canvases in Hitchcock's 'Rebecca' and 'Vertigo', 'The French Dispatch', 'Laura' and 'I'm thinking of ending things'. They even made a Wellesian trailer for that essay, When Citizen Kane met Bambi : The Lost Paintings of Tyrus Wong!

🍿 So I decided to see some of the movies mentioned above, f. ex. Hitchcock's The Trouble with Harry from 1955. Famous for being Shirley MacLaine's film debut, his first collaboration with Bernard Herrmann, and this being his only "real" comedy. However, the only engaging element among the idiotic machinations on screen were the stunning VistaVision landscapes, painted in true Vermont autumn colors.

🍿 All the Vermeers in New York is my [5th film about Vermeer, and] my first film by prolific indie director Jon Jost. The Scottish essay above interpretated it as a "Charming mirroring of art and life, but also a deeply sad film... The gallery scene shows the transmission of feeling from painting to person, and ultimately, the vast amount of space between them. It plays out the entire drama of the film in microcosm.." But that Met Gallery scene was the only outstanding one in an otherwise disjointed experiment about the NYC art world. The abrasive stockbroker who falls for a French actress at the museum and mistakes her for a woman from the painting was mediocre and irritating. 3/10.

🍿

First watch: Jim Jarmusch's Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai, an homage to Melville's Le Samouraï. An RZA mood piece about a ritualistically-chill black assassin / Zen Sensei, who communicates only with carrier pigeons, and who drives alone at night in desolate streets on mafia missions. 'Live by the Code, die by the Code'.

🍿

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, Scorsese's only melodrama with a female protagonist (? - haven't seen 'Boxcar Bertha' yet). It opens in a tinted Wizard of Oz scenery, and tells of an ordinary single mom who dreams of becoming a singer. Hardly a feminist story, as she navigates between one unloving husband, an abusive lover and eventually bearded Kris Kristofferson, who ends up beating her son and promises not to do it again. 3/10.

[I finally watched it because of this clip of 15-year-old Jody Foster singing Je t'attends depuis la nuit de temps on French television].

🍿

The new well-made HBO documentary The Truth vs Alex Jones. About the collective mental sickness that is Amerika. It's hard to imagine how insane are the crazies over there. 💯 score on Rotten Tomatoes.

🍿

3 more shorts:

🍿 The Most Beautiful Shots In Movie History, a little mash-up clippy from The "Solomon Society" with an evocative Perfect day cover.

🍿 Joana, a beautiful tribute of a Spanish father to his little daughter. Reminds me of better times and another daughter.

🍿 From hand to mouse, a mediocre 1944 'Looney Tune' short from Chuck Jones, with the same dynamics that the Coyote & Road Runner did much better.

🍿

Ramy Youssef X 3:

🍿 I discovered first-generation Egyptian-American stand-up comedian Ramy Youssef. In his funny 2019 special, Feelings, he comes across as a sweet dude, a sensitive, observant Muslim, on a complicated spiritual quest in New Jersey. Recommended!

🍿 Ramy was his A24 TV-series that expanded on the themes. It had more of a sitcom vibes, reminiscent of 'Master of None', another one that dealt with an unexplored ethnicity, previously marginalized. I only watched the first season, and liked how unapologetic he was in having large part of the dialogue in other languages, Arabic, French, Etc. Episode 7, "Ne Me Quitte Pas", starring his screen-mom Hiam Abbass was a terrific stand-out.

🍿 “Where were you when the floods happened in Pakistan?”

More feelings, his brand new stand up which just dropped is dark and gentle. It opens with some dark truths from his friend Steve who wants to die, and moves right into the situation in Palestine.

(Later: He hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend.)

🍿  

(My complete movie list is here)

[gooolixx]

Music That I (gooolixx) Likes ....

thought i would write about some of the bands ive listened to recently and share my thoughts on them. because i am bored and have nothing to do hahahaha

... in no particular order ...

The Beatles - yeah i dont think a period of no beatles has ever happened in my life. ive basically always been listening to these guys pretty much constantly, and even more-so now that ive started to interact with other beatles fans online instead of just talking to my friends about them (well... i started doing that last november but it still feels recent....). anyways, recently ive been buying beatles CDs more than ever. not sure why they're showing up second hand a lot more now but im not complaining. ive almost got every album on CD, now, which is nice. theyre mostly the 87 versions with a few 2009s and 1 giles mix, but i stopped caring about beatles mixes mostly so any are fine for me lol. but yeah the beatles are the best and most influential band of all time yap yap yap everyones already said that. you should give them a try if you havent.

Supertramp - the way i found supertramp happened pretty suddenly and strangely. it all happened back in january when i discovered german "happy hardcore" group SCOOTER. who are amazing and hilarious (i have unironically bought a few scooter singles and albums). anyways, some time in mid-march of this year, i bought scooter's "Push The Beat For This Jam" album, which is all of their singles up until 2002 (?) i think. anyways, that includes THE LOGICAL SONG. i kind of assumed that this track was a cover, because, well, i dont expect lyrics like that from HP Baxxter (no offence to the guy he is amazing). i looked up the logical song and found the supertramp version, and instantly recognised the breakfast in america cover! id seen this just around on the internet and remembered it mostly from some insane "9/11 predictions" video i watched a few months beforehand. anyways i listened to about like. 10 seconds and got bored and closed the tab. fast forward to mid-APRIL, and i come across "Retrospectacle - The Supertramp Anthology", 2 disc edition second hand. supertramp? i recognise that name sure whatever ill give it ago. i remember being really confused by the album cover because for some reason id forgotten about the logical song and thought they were some 90s band (technically not wrong). it look a few listens until i completely fell in love with this band. it took until a few weeks ago to actually start ordering their albums, but so far ive bought Crisis? What Crisis?. Even In The Quietest Moments, Brother Where You Bound, Some Things Never Change, and The Very Best Of.. Vol. 1 (only to get hide in your shell hahahah) honestly, supertramp has some of the best musicianship and songwriting ive seen in any band ever. i genuinely think some of roger hodgson's deeper songs like A Soapbox Opera, School, Hide In Your Shell could rival lennon-mccartney, they are amazing. of course, rick davies is also awesome, i love his bluesy, funkier songs like Another Man's Woman and C'est What?, however my favourite song overall has to be the 1975 remix of Land Ho. this track stuck out to me from the start and is one of my favourite songs of all time. while not as globally influential as the beatles, supertramp have sure been influential to me, influencing my compositions heavily and my arrangements (WURLITZERS!!!!!!!!!) even more. just a brilliant band (shame whats happening nowadays with them tho). you should give them a try if you havent.

Kula Shaker - i first heard kula shaker back in 2017 (?), when i listened to their album "Peasants, Pigs & Astronauts". now, at the time, my music taste was way more limited, but this album stuck out as something great, and i must have listened to it hundreds of times. anyways, about 6 years went past without a thought until around april 2023. i randomly remembered them and went to listen to PPA again, even downloading it in flac for my collection (at this point i was only starting to buy CDs, and i wouldnt have even thought about ordering them!). of course, i knew some of their other songs like Hey Dude, Govinda, Tattva, Hush, but thats about all i knew that wasnt from PPA. on and off throughout the year, i listened to PPA without much thought about them, although i did manage to get Mystical Machine Gun on CD single in october (disc 2 i think?? it had guitar man and prancing bride on it so whichever one that is i cant be bothered to check). in around december, i listened to their debut, "K", on spotify, as i had signed up for it that month, and really, didnt think much of it. when their newest album, "Natural Magick" released in february, i listened to it on spotify, and thought it was good, but nothing super special. anyways, in mid-march (march was actually a pretty important month this year, wasnt it?) i came across a copy of "K" second hand (not hard to do, i own like 6 copies now LOL), and bought it. suddenly, now owning it, it really clicked with me and i started to get curious about them. i started researching them and becoming familiar with their discography (NOT listening. i like to listen to things for the first time when i own them. not sure why, i just seem to like it more when i physically own it). anyways, in april, i ordered copies of "Peasants, Pigs & Astronauts" and "Strangefolk", and again, i loved these albums! now, i started to look into their singles, and mostly, their B-sides. i had gotten a hold of Shower Your Love on cassette, and upon trying to find the B-side, Goodbye Tin Terriers online, it just wasnt there except for old youtube uploads. this intrigued me, one thing let to another, and i ordered a ton of their singles online. after about 5 months, i finished my kula shaker 90s collection, owning "K", "Peasants, Pigs & Astronauts" and all of their singles (excluding promos and that interview CD). the first three albums and the singles werent too expensive... unfortunately the same cant be said for the rest of the albums, which i spent a total of £80 on (not including the japanese version of "Strangefolk" that i bought, or "K-15"!) with "Pilgrim's Progress" being most of that (GOD that album is weirdly expensive. it is probably my favourite post-90s album tho so), and "Natural Magick" being the least expensive, as i bought it new in a shop, and being a new album, wasnt too expensive, although id watch the price as it will probably increase based on what the others have done. anyways, kula shaker are a solid band, and despite what people may think, are actually really good. kula shaker havent particularly inspired much of my arrangements (except for one track, which is actually released. Millway Freezer, which is the B-side for "Fried Chicken"), although they have inspired my compositions quite a bit (mixolydian yippee!!!!!!!!!!!). shame that theyre a bit of a laughing stock, because i bet some people have missed out on some music theyd really like just from people hating on them. you should give them a try if you havent.

Supergrass - okay, i have less to say about this band. ive always known about supergrass, mostly only the name, and Alright, which i thought until a few months ago was by The Charlatans (no clue why but theyre both britpop so whatever). the best way to describe this band, at least on their album "In It For The Money", is a middleground between Oasis and Kula Shaker. they are an incredibly energetic and fun band, with some genuinely great moments and some catchy as hell moments. ive been lucky that their albums arent too expensive, and i even managed to find the 3 disc remastered 2021 version of "In It For The Money", although i prefer the original mixes (the bonus stuff is cool tho!). if i had to recommend anything to get into them, id probably tell you just to listen to their compilation "Supergrass Is 10", that should be enough Supergrass for anyone who wants to listen to them, because most of their stand-out moments are on there (except for everything after "Road To Rouen" and I'd Like To Know). i really do like this band a lot. you should give them a try if you havent.

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

of course I got slammed with HW tonight even after work, so I won’t be liveblogging a filmed production but I WILL be listening to this recording while I work!

first-ever opera composed by a woman—what could be better for today?

[classical-crap]

Black Classical Composers

I’ve been searching for lesser-known works recently, and I stumbled upon a ton of music written by composers of african descent. I was listening to a work by one of these composers on youtube and I saw this comment:

and I thought it would be a good start to just make people aware that these composers exist.

so, I am only listing black composers who have at least some works in the public domain for this post (usually means music published before the 1920s), so that way any musicians who read this can find at least some sheet music on imslp, learn the music, and perform it for others. so here’s just 10 of the great composers I found:

1. samuel coleridge-taylor: he was born in 1875 and died in 1912. he was born in london, where his mother lived, and his father was from sierra leone. he was quickly recognized as a prodigy and he went on to become a very successful composer, often being compared to mahler.

here is one of my favorite works by him, the hiawatha overture

here is his wikipedia bio, which is fascinating, and here is a link to free sheet music written by him on imslp. he was a great violinist, and he has a lot written for the instrument.

2. avril coleridge-taylor: she was samuel coleridge-taylor’s daughter and become a conductor and composer, which was no small feat for a woman in the early 1900s. however, I was not able to find much about her. I found a pretty lengthy list of compositions, but very few links to recordings or sheet music, possibly because she sometimes wrote under the pseudonym of peter riley.

I found one unlisted youtube video with some of her vocal songs, but that’s all I found.

here is her wikipedia page, and if you can find more about her (links to public domain sheet music or more performances), please add it to this post.

3. ignatius sancho: even if you’re not interested in classical music, ignatius sancho is such an important figure in black history. he was born in 1729 and died in 1780, he was a composer, actor, and writer, and he was bluntly against slavery. you can read more on his wikipedia page.

here is a recording of one of his minuets transcribed for guitar

he has a small amount of sheet music on imslp, which includes the sheet music for the minuet above.

4. amanda aldridge: her story is so cool. her father was a professional actor who was famous for playing shakespearean roles, amanda was an opera singer herself, and her siblings were also musicians and singers. amanda was particularly accomplished. she studied voice under the famous jenny lind at the royal college of music, and she later lost her voice, but she still remained a reputable teacher and composer.

it’s difficult to find works and recordings, but this video has a brief biography and performances of some of her vocal pieces.

she has only two works on imslp. I believe that many of her works are out of print, and if you can find more of her works, please add them to this post.

5. scott joplin: not exactly a classical composer, but probably the most well-known name on this list, and for good reason. he wrote fantastic music and was known as the king of ragtime, which is a genre that eventually evolved into jazz and swing. you can read more about his life on his wiki page.

here’s his famous maple leaf rag

he has tons of works on imslp, and these are a great resource for pianists.

6. chevalier de saint-georges: he was a fencer, composer, colonel, violinist, and conductor. he is the first known classical composer of african ancestry. 

here is a really beautiful recording of one of his violin duos, played by a world-class violinist.

here is his wikipedia bio, and here is a link to the limited amount of works he has on imslp. other sheet music is available here, but it’s not free. 

7. robert nathaniel dett: he was born in canada in 1882 and moved to the united states when he was 11. he got his education there and had a successful career, which included performances at boston symphony hall and carnegie hall. 

here is an excerpt from his magnolia suite for piano, probably one of the prettiest pieces of piano music I’ve heard in a while

he has a good amount of sheet music available for free on imslp

and here is his wikipedia page

8. clarence cameron white: white was a neoromantic (a genre of classical music that came about in the early 20th century) composer and violinist. his early music was heavily influenced by african-american spirituals.

here’s one of his early pieces

here is his wikipedia page, and his imslp page, which only has two works. 

9. florence price: price was the first african-american woman to have one of her pieces performed by a major symphony orchestra, and I’ve recently seen some of her works performed by other major symphonies. she wrote classical music, but it’s heavily influenced by her southern upbringing. she was also very religious, and drew upon the music she heard in african-american churches.

here is a wonderful recording of her second violin concerto, which is steadily becoming a more popular piece

here is her wikipedia bio, and a limited amount of works on imslp

10. thomas wiggins: also known as “blind tim wiggins.” his biography is the hardest to read. he and his family were enslaved to the first newspaper editor in the south who was openly in favor of southern succession. when they found out thomas was blind, they considered killing him because he couldn’t do work, but they decided against it. they later found out that tom had a knack for music. he could imitate every sound he heard, and when he was granted access to the piano, he played it every hour that he could. he was a true prodigy. he toured the states and europe performing and earned an enormous amount of money, which was not given to him. 

he also likely had autism, but at the time, it was not recognized. ultimately, he was an incredibly talented man who was taken advantage of. he wrote music that was used by the confederacy, so he was criticized by many black newspapers. ultimately, I believe he was just someone who really loved music and any pro-slavery themes attached to his music were not truly his doing. 

here is one of the beautiful piano pieces he left behind

here is his wikipedia page, and the small amount of music availabe on imslp

again, that was only ten black composers who were writing music between the early 1700s and mid 1900s. there are many more. some lost to history, others who wrote under pseudonyms and we may never know their true identities, but there are some like the ones above who simply need more recognition for their accomplishments and contributions to history. 

please add more information and links to this post!

[thepeakygurl]

Can we get a John x reader I really don’t have anything specific in mind 🥺 just maybe that he ends up meeting reader while he’s already married or something, make it angsty but with a fluffy ending pls 😈

A/N: I went a bit out of script with this one, but my reasons is that I want to do a part 2 of this one with the possibility of doing a love triangle, but you readers would have to tell me who you want as John’s rivals. I really hope you like it. I was so inspired by this one. Romantic John is my favourite John! @huskyhunny thank you for requesting babes again sorry changing stuff, but I promise the angst and the fluff will come in due time! Hope you enjoy it✨

The Royal Ballet | Part 1

John Shelby x Fem!Reader

Scenario

That night was cold you recalled. You were right up on stage, ready to give your best performance, but the wind that was whispering through the stage made you shiver and as a result you tilted back a little. You heard the director of the opera murmuring you to stay still, as the curtain and drapes where starting to open and reveal you. In your harmonious posture, with a sateen white dress covering your body, but revealing your legs and your ballet shoes. When the music started to play, your body started to move along with it. You gracefully dance from a corner to another, spinning and jumping. You hair was free on you shoulders an artistic choice made by the director who was now trying to take a peek at the audience.

Amazed. The audience couldn’t take their eyes off the amazing ballerina that everyone was hearing about lately. Y/N Y/S, the artist that everyone wanted to see swinging on stage. You were known best to be the first act of the Royal Ballet in London and also, the reason why everyone bought the ticket in the first place. There was something about how your gracefully made art using your body that simply left everyone in the urge of wanting more and more.

Soon enough even the most influent please in the City had to have a taste of what you could do, and that was one of those night. You recalled hearing the director speaking about how the Peaky Blinders reserved some tickets, the best seats. However you couldn’t believe that such men would have spent their hours into watching the show, you knew that there was more, but you couldn’t crush the director’s hopes.

Thomas, Arthur and John Shelby were all there, seated in the best seats, but they attention were elsewhere - or part of their attention -.

Thomas was seated next to Darcy Sabini, trying to have a decent and peaceful business conversation, he took the chance knowing Sabini wouldn’t ruin the spectacle as he invested in the theatre and part of the money made that night was his. Arthur was carefully listening to their conversation, seated by his Thomas’ side, he had a hand inside his jacket, holding his gun and was ready to take it out at any time. The youngest brother however, forgot about the purpose of their attendance for a second. He was completely drawn by how your body was moving and how your face was telling so many stories in such a short time. His eyes couldn’t stop looking at you, how your dress sometimes lifted revealing a gown that was meticulously fitted around your body, how your hair covered your face whenever you spinned and the smile you would always make whenever your eyes looked over to the audience. Your skin glowing with all the lights pointing at you and the way you would end up on your feet after every scary jump. Those shoes must hurt, he thought. Spectacular that was spectacular. When your act was over and you came closer to the audience to take your compliments and applauses, you smiled and took a little bow, before running to the backstage in order for the second act to start and so the other ballerinas came in, giving the start to another magical story. John looked at Arthur and Thomas, both still in the middle of the conversation. If he did his move now, he would have probably came back before the second act was over so he slowly started to stand up. Arthur as the eagle he was, looked over him and grabbed his jacket “Where you think you’re going? Sit your arse down”

“Got to use the loo, you wouldn’t want something else to be sit in this seat with my arse ye” John quickly explained, which made Arthur relax as he walked away.

He didn’t even notice if the girl was beautiful, at this point it didn’t matter, her essence was beyond the door of beauty, but he knew that if he didn’t talk to that angel she would have come into his dreams and made them sweet nightmares. So he stepped quickly into the backstage, hoping that his brothers would have still leaned their attention to Sabini. Surprisingly no one was there to stop his, the place was filled with costumes and jewels, he was surprised that with so many choices, the girl was only wearing a simply white dress. But then he thought that maybe it was the perfect choice as she was brighter that millions of them jewels.

You were in the middle of changing your dress for the last act, a tribute to Romeo and Juliet, that required you to wear a more elegant and complicated costume. There was two of the assistants that were helping you tighten the corset “Easy now..” you moaned when one of them laces were pulled suddenly. When you looked at yourself in the mirror to make sure your corset was fitted properly, you saw his reflection as well and that made you gasped in surprised.

And he was surprised as much as you were, his cheeks slightly turning into a deep red as he watched how the corset made your body bloom into its shape. “I am sorry I didn’t want to intrude.” He quickly said turning himself to give you the chance to cover yourself.

“We don’t usually receive admirers during the play” you said, telling the two assistants to quickly fix your skirt and so they did and left. “Perhaps you could tell me who you were looking for and come back at the end of the play” you suggested and walked towards him.

When he heard your voice closer now, he turned to face you and that’s when it hit me. Not just talented as an angel, heaven gifted you also with beauty. He couldn’t help but smile at you “I’m here for you” he said “I couldn’t resist and wait the end of the play, I hope you won’t mind my impatience, but I desperately wanted to meet the woman that is now going to haunt my dreams”

And you chuckled, never in your life you met someone so blunt, blunt and handsome. Such light blue eyes that you could swear to have seen some clouds in them “No one ever complained about me haunting their dreams.” You said. He took a few steps closer, but you didn’t move, instead you bit your lips trying to hold a smile.

“Maybe, only if you allow it, they could turn into sweet dreams” he said slowly sliding the tips of his fingers through your arm, and that made you shiver ten times more than the cold surrounding the stage. He gently held your hand in his and took it close to him so he could place a small kiss on it. Such a small and usual contact, but it made your whole body burn. “I’m John Shelby, and you are?”

You proceeded and say your name. You were by then already drowning in his eyes that it took you a few seconds before you actually realised who he said he was. But did it really matter? So charming and handsome, two combination that always got you smitten. You let go of his hand that he was still smartly keeping on yours “You said you came here for me, but I don’t see any flowers, or rather compliments coming out of your mouth. I thought you were an admirer” you said, now allowing yourself some space and you moved closer to the mirror to do your make up.

John felt his chest less heavier now that he had some space within you two. Having you so close and not being able to do anything but looking at you with desire was nothing but torture “I’m not that type of admirer miss Y/S” he said while lighting up a cigarette “You were stunning, but my eyes looked over the artist and saw a woman” he justified himself and his presence there, the cigarette slowly burning out in his lips as he was too drawn in your curves and how you moved to even care about smoking.

And you almost forgot you were putting lipstick on as you stopped, your arm lifted in the air with your hand close to your lips with a small red tinted brush, looking at him through the mirror again “Correct if I’m wrong, but I believe to have seen a ring on your finger” you said, now turning towards him once again, your back touch the edge of the table and your arms crossed to your chest, a small smile over your lips now that he was all stiff and his chest less puffed. “Married in front of God and now using words to allure another woman?”

John was really one that would go to church or act before the name of God, after all he couldn’t possibly do such a thing and do what he does at the same time. So he just smiled back “God himself couldn’t resists to temptation and made us, in all shapes, colours and form. Who am I then to not allow myself of the pleasure of having a conversation with you? God made us to be happy, I’m quite happy right now if you ask me” And he finally decided to turn off the cigarette, placing it behind his ear.

You couldn’t help yourself but laugh. He looked so young but so manly at the same time, a bit of an unrefined look, but such languid words “You don’t love your wife then?”

“Love can mean many things” he answered deceiving your question.

“Do you love her?” You asked again.

“I am loving you right now.” He then said.

And that did something to your heart and stomach, that quickly came filled with butterflies. “I have another act in lees then five minutes, perhaps you could take me home and tell me more about your perception of love” you said with a bright smile and your face, which he quickly to returned. If only you knew how much trouble that offer of yours would have gotten you into...

[feralnumberfive]

The Rewatch Academy: Episode 1 of Season 1

"We Only See Each Other At Weddings and Funerals”

I am in no way a good analyst so my little analysis and speculations probably sound a bit goofy or pretty wild and probably mean nothing at all. Everything I put into this post about each episode is purely what I noticed or thought, whether it's funny or serious. I will be making jokes, so please just leave it at that (in no way am I trying to make fun of an actor and or character!) I am also in no way saying I noticed this stuff first. This is just what I noticed while rewatching these episodes

☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂

1x01 | 1x02 | 1x03 | 1x04 |

☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂

☂️ In the Pilot script, it has a woman giving birth to a baby boy in Poland in 1984 (potentially Five or maybe even Luther??) 

☂️ “Picture Book” is an absolute bop and no one can tell me otherwise

☂️ What if someone saw this parade of carriages and noticed that there were seven? Later Reginald announces that he adopted 6 kids, so I wonder if anyone saw the carriages earlier and heard Reginald's announcement and became confused

☂️ The concert hall in the Pilot script is in New York, which I assume is safe to assume in NYC. The script also mentions later that Diego drops the monocle in the Hudson River

☂️ The Pilot script originally had Allison in LA, and Klaus in Amsterdam (which he was supposed to be levitating in that scene)

☂️ Diego was originally supposed to be pretty brutal and violent

☂️ I am a huge POTO fan so having a medley of the songs from the musical is so awesome to hear. The first time I watched this episode and heard the violin starting to play, I was like “Huh, this really sounds like POTO” and then I realized it was! It gave me chills and still does to this day overtime I watch this scene

☂️ The dark and mysterious tones of POTO really matches the vibes of TUA well. It’s just so good, especially as a way to introduce Vanya. The first song Vanya plays is “Phantom of the Opera” which is a nice symbolism when introducing the Hargreeves Siblings. The song itself is Christine discovering who her true Angel of Music is, a strange masked man that everyone knows well but they truly don’t know who he really is, like with the Umbrellas and their separate personalities and struggles as actual human beings and not just as the superheroes the public knows them as. It also plays while showing Diego, who is a mysterious masked figure at that point. 

☂️ “Angel of Music” is basically Christine asking her angel to guide her, which is ironic that it plays while Klaus is getting out of a place that guides him down the right path, knowing that he’s immediately going to go do drugs again and to go down the “wrong” path

☂️ I wonder if the voice in Luther’s spacesuit as he receives his message is an automated voice or his robot named “Ben” like in the comics. I doubt it’s the latter, but who knows

☂️ Okay, here’s another POTO thing. Diego picks up his knife and wipes the blood off of it and tells the family “Your family is safe now” right as the start of “Think of Me” plays. The first lyrics of the song are “Think of me, think of me fondly” which can be seen as Diego wants the family to truly view him as a hero that saved them

☂️ Aaaand here’s another! Again, while “Think of Me” is playing, one of the parts in the song where Raoul sings “Long ago, it seems so long ago, how young and innocent we were” plays while the paparazzi begins questioning Allison about her father and siblings

☂️ Okay okay, last POTO thing. I especially love that "Music of the Night" plays when Klaus wakes up in the ambulance at night. It's so awesome! Especially since the song is basically about giving into your darkest desires, which Klaus clearly did

 ☂️ Goddamn is the music in the show amazing, and I’m not just talking about all of the fun lyrical songs! Jeff Russo you get a thumbs up from me

☂️ Ta-da! Here’s some portraits that are shown of the siblings with Reginald when they were young that are shown in the show

☂️ Even the first person Vanya sees when she arrives home doesn’t greet her/welcome her back 

☂️ Emmy and Elliot really played that awkward hug and greeting between Allison and Vanya well. You can feel the awkward tension (hey sisters)

☂️ According to the pilot script, Diego wears his mask practically all the time like in the comics

☂️ Luther was literally supposed to have a gorilla body in the pilot script

☂️ “Oh, YoU gOt BiG, lUtHeR”

☂️ Godddd the song playing while Vanya looks at the books on the shelf in including her own is 👌

☂️ Ah, there’s a book called “Lunar Living”

☂️ It might just be me, but it seems like the light shining onto Five’s portrait is ever so slightly askew

☂️ Vanya leaving the lights on and sandwiches for Five reminds me of someone leaving food outside for a stray cat

☂️ Five was originally supposed to be gone for over 22 years in the pilot script

☂️ I wonder at what point in each of the siblings’ lives did they realize, or at least they thought, their brother wouldn’t be coming home 

☂️ Babies 

☂️ There’s so many ape and monkey pictures and diagrams around Reginald’s office. Foreshadowing for Luther?

☂️ I love Klaus’s theme. It’s heard in almost every episode https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJa9H8SY4wQ&list=OLAK5uy_k2NJivpu0PIwxrOmPVrqN4umBZaahOGWI&index=6

☂️ Why does Reginald have two pictures of himself featuring aircraft? In one of them he’s outside a private jet and the other is him inside a cockpit

☂️ I must say that the dialogue in the pilot script definitely closely mirrors the dialogue of the comics 

☂️ “Told me I should be careful who to trust” 👀

☂️ Something behind Elliot is moving

☂️ I was hoping for this to be a gazelle of some sort above Five’s portrait, but It’s an Gemsbok. However, the Gemsbok is an antelope and all gazelles are antelopes

☂️ “The Walker” playing during the bank robbery scene is 👌👌

☂️ Luther is ready to throw hands

☂️ These robbers really decided to rob a bank at 10:05 am?

☂️ I just love Five popping out of nowhere criss-cross applesauce 

☂️ Something that hasn’t been explained/fully shown is Five’s ability to teleport objects. He teleported the gun out of the guy’s hand and replaced it with a stapler

☂️ Five’s teleportation noise reminds me of something going really fast, like an aircraft breaking the sound barrier. It’s almost like a mini sonic boom, but not as loud

☂️ Okay so I’ve noticed this in most of the episodes, but I don’t think when Five teleports he makes an actual noise. I’ll point this out more as we continue through the episodes. At the bank scene when Five is on the counter, it appears that the first time he teleports the bank robber whips around when Five speaks. The second time the robber turns to Five simply because he doesn’t know where he went and he’s searching for the threat

☂️ “That’s one badass stApler”

☂️ When Ben asks if he has to go into the Vault, he looks at Klaus for reassurance even though Luther is the one speaking to him

☂️ Five was still pretty cocky back in his youth. They, or more like Ben, have more bad guys to take care of and he’s just chilling with his hands in his pockets and leaning back/slouching like he’s bored. His tone with the robber also proves that and the way he just happily bounds out of the bank

☂️ Sir, why are you looking at the camera

☂️ Luther’s little wave to the reporters when the Umbrellas come out of the bank is cute

☂️ The pilot script didn’t include a flashback of a bank robbery, but instead to the Umbrellas training when they were younger. There’s too much to screenshot to I’ll summarize it.

-Luther bench-presses over 500 lbs

-Diego has been holding his breath for about six hours and he flips Reginald off

-Klaus levitates stuff

-Allison is slacking off and when Reginald tells her to continue her training she simply rumors him that she doesn’t have to

-Ben is fighting guards and Reginald calls him “Number Six” to which Vanya, who isn’t supposed to be down there, corrects him that his name is Ben and reminds Reginald that they have names

- Five very quickly and quite brutally rips off the heads and limbs of training dummies, snaps their necks, and stabs them. He is referred to as “A ruthless little war machine.” Reginald calls him “Perfect”

☂️ The pilot script implies that Reginald had alien life mounted on the walls of his office

☂️ There wasn’t a dance scene in the pilot script

☂️ Not to get super into detail about this, but Luther’s room is filled with a lots of models and paintings of aircraft, mainly from WWII. Almost all of them are of Allied aircraft, and more specifially Commonwealth aircraft, like the RCAF. So this could be more of a clue to the Umbrellas living in Canada

☂️ Diego giving that Wildebeest head the stink eye aways makes me laugh

☂️ Klaus is dancing with Reggie’s urn in a Waltz fashion, so maybe he’s just doing that or it’s the ballroom dancing lessons they received as children peeing through

☂️ I love Diego’s dancing skills

☂️ Fuck you Five for ruining their dance party

☂️ Honestly Five’s portal is pretty powerful. Here’s a description of it from the pilot script

☂️ I like that when Luther tells everyone to get behind him and Diego copies him with “Yeah, get behind us” Luther lets his brother use himself as a shield instead be pulling the “I’m the leader, I’m the strongest” card

☂️ When Luther and Diego are shielding their siblings, Diego has his arm stretched out to guard Vanya

☂️ In the pilot script Five’s body is smoking when he comes out of the portal

☂️ What if when Five fell out of the portal he got knocked out so he just laid face down on the ground unconscious aksdhfjsafhd

☂️ “So are we gonna talk about what just happened?” No bitch, let him make his sammie first

☂️ Diego and Klaus had some sort of bet on Five’s time traveling in the pilot script

☂️ Here’s another example of Five’s teleportation possibly not making noise. When he teleports around while his siblings are questioning him, it looks like they only look at him when he appears and not when they hear a noise

☂️ Five in the pilot script is actually 62

☂️ “What part of the future do you not understand?”

☂️ I like that Five styled his hair to the exact style it was when he was actually young, but eventually gets looser throughout the season

☂️ Five is so oddly calm when talking to Vanya in front of his portrait

☂️ “Well, there are worse things that can happen.” “You mean like what happened to Ben?” Yeah there’s also an apocalypse on the way lol

☂️ Five actually got a hug in the pilot script! 

☂️ An ironic moment from the pilot script considering that Five is an assassin and has killed tons of people but this siblings don’t know that

☂️ When Diego is talking about their names and numbers in the courtyard, Five sighs, which I’m sure he’s just bored/has better places to be and is annoyed, but I’d like to view it as “Shit, I don’t even have a name”

☂️ Funny tidbit from the pilot script during the funeral scene “Whatever the hell you are”

☂️ Diego talks about how he assumed Reginald sent Luther to the moon because he couldn’t stand the sight of him, so he must be talking about Luther being like a “failed” leader or something? Like he couldn’t keep the team/his siblings together? Diego doesn’t know about his ape-like body so he’s not thinking about that.....

☂️ I love that Klaus reaches his arm out to guard Five, and that Five simply glares at him and bats his arm away

☂️ When Luther broke Ben’s statue, I can just imagine Ben yelling at Klaus “Seriously? Klaus, why didn’t you stop them?”

☂️ So I’m sure this is just a continuation error, but you can’t see Five walking away in the shot of Ben’s statue hitting the ground. Considering that he had just left, he should still be visible in the background. Again, probably a continuation error or maybe he even teleported inside

☂️ A detail I love about Luther is that his fingernails are dark due to the gorilla DNA

☂️ The bank robbery scene in the pilot script is after the funeral. Not much was changed for the actual first episode, just a few different scenes. Also the Umbrellas were described as gods

☂️ Vanya drawing the tattoo on her wrist hurts my heart

☂️ “Together, you will stand against the reign of evil” gives me chills 

☂️ “This is your home and always will be” is great foreshadowing to S3, and hurts my heart when I think about how it is in fact no longer their home

☂️ When I first watched this episode and saw Pogo watching Vanya I knew something was pretty sus

☂️ Just some gold dialogue from the pilot script during the scene of Five, Allison, and Klaus in the kid area and Five is complaining about coffee (but in the pilot script everyone but Vanya is there)

☂️ “An entire square block. Forty-two bedrooms, 19 bathrooms” goddamn the Academy is HUGE. Also 42 is just one away from being 43 👀

☂️ “I know how to do everything.” Yeah, like survive an apocalypse and professionally kill people :]

☂️ I’ve pointed this out before, but the license plate on the car that Five takes to Griddy’s says HERMES, which is the license plate of his car in the comics

☂️ The exit sign in the background is only half lit up to where it says EX and if my memory serves me correctly that’s the door Vanya and Leonard enter the Academy through in episode 6

☂️ Diego telling Klaus to lean back is like “Ugh I don’t want him with me, but safety first”

☂️ I love that they added his feral chimpanzee smile from the pilot script into he show

☂️ “You won’t be going home.” Cocky smartass strikes again. Not to mention he smiles when he says that. He also says this to the men before he kills them in the pilot script

☂️ Before I even knew about TUA, I had heard of the “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)” scene and looked it up. I remember thinking “Wow, that kid is scary.” Now I think “Wow, that old man is scary.”

☂️ I love the little salute he does before he blinks away, and the way his basically just plays with these men like a cat playing with its prey. He knows he’s going to kill them, but he wants to have fun doing so

☂️ Five had some fancy moves in the pilot script

☂️ Five teleporting his tie around the man’s neck is another example of him teleporting an object. Can we see more of this actually happen in S3 please?? I also love the fact that he takes it off the man’s body and puts it back on

☂️ The way he calmly, or tiredly, snaps the man’s neck is chilling to see from a child’s body. This was also included in the pilot script *chanting* Feral Five, Feral Five, Feral Fi-

☂️ It’s honestly such a cool and iconic scene on the show. It truly shows that Five is fully capable of handling himself, and is/was great at his job

☂️ Having the city at night in the background of Diego dropping the monocle is really pretty

☂️ I really like the way they revealed Ben. Having watched both season and now watching this scene again is a bit awkward when Ben doesn’t talk. He’s probably just tired of Klaus 

☂️ “The world ends in eight days, and I have no idea how to stop it.” This line combined with the music and the previous scene of Five in the apocalypse is powerful and chilling and I love it

☂️ I love that they have The Umbrella Academy theme playing during the credits in both seasons

-------

Feel free to comment or reblog with things you have noticed too!

[hellotvshowtrash]

Forever.

Hi everyone!! Here’s another fic I’ve been working on. Check it out, please like/reblog if you like it!! :) (I’m so nervous eeee!)

Random Online Prompt: "You thought he was dead, but there he is, right in front of you on the street, smiling at you."

 You and Elijah are in love for centuries, his family becoming your family over the years. Until something goes horribly wrong.

A/N: I feel like I've seen this same kind of situation/prompt but honestly I love it so here we go. Starts in S1 ep 15 flashbacks, (following the story) then moves to present day (definitely not following the story).

Elijah x reader (S1 of TO)

word count: 3.3k

warning: implied smut, sadness, death, loneliness, gore, language, season 1 spoilers?

~

1919

Immortal life was a bit drab without something to live for. For centuries, you had just that. A totally epic love. Someone to be with forever, adventuring, fighting, loving. Elijah had lit up your life like no other, he was the candle that brightened your darkness.

Until Mikael returned.

The Quarter was vibrant and full of life with news of the peace agreement between factions in the face of prohibition. Meetings held in secret at local speakeasies, jazz music, dancing, and drinking. You eyed your love from the dance floor as he talked with his younger brother and the Werewolf Queen, Lana, raising their glasses to newfound peace. Elijah turned to scan the room for you. He found you, dancing to the lively music. He smiled as you raised your hand, finger pointed in his direction, instructing him to come dance. He finished his drink and set it on the bar behind him, smirking as he glided over to you. He grabbed you by your waist, moving in sync with you and the music. Elijah Mikaelson spent his night getting lost in the movement of your hips.

~~~

The next morning, Elijah was gone, a box and note on the pillow next to you rather than his warm body.

"For tonight. xx" The note read. You picked up the box to find a diamond necklace with matching earrings. You smiled giddily as you eyed the shine of the necklace. It would go perfectly for your dress for the opera, "Les Huguenots". Rebekah would be accompanied by Marcel, Niklaus with his new plaything, the Werewolf Queen from the previous night, and you and Elijah. Call it a group date. The Abbatoir was quiet in the mid-afternoon as you spent the day agonizingly passing time until the opera, doing your hair and makeup when the time came.

A knock at your door startled you from your concentration on your hair.

"One moment," You called. You stood, adjusting your dress in the mirror. You turned to see a tall, blonde man you didn't recognize standing in the middle of your room. Surprised, you took a step back. He was holding a decorated, carved wooden stake. He gave the smallest of fake smiles that looked devilishly familiar.

"Forgive me," he said, his accent thick, "But I must use you." He came toward you at an alarming speed. You threw your arms out in an attempt to protect yourself, but blackness and pain was the only thing that came next.

~~~

Consciousness came and went as you hung from the metal fence prop to be used by the opera cast that night. The man - who you had not learned the identity of - had dropped you down on top of the prop, impaling you through the stomach. Through your haze, you saw Marcel, unconscious, his body hanging limply, his hands and feet were tied to a large wooden torture prop. Your gaze moved as your head lulled back, eyes landing on the body of the werewolf queen, Lana, impaled on a large wooden stake. You squeezed your eyes shut as tears fell, unconsciousness taking over again.

The next time you woke was to the sound of laughter and fighting. Your eyelids parted to see the audience of the opera, cackling with laughter at the gruesome sight on the stage. You squinted, confusion taking over. You tried to move as pain ripped through your body. You saw figures fighting over Marcel, Klaus trying to free him as the man - who was he, why was he doing this? - attacked Klaus from behind. Rebekah ran from the right, trying to help Klaus free Marcel.

The man threw Klaus into another prop on the far end of the stage.

"Father," you heard Rebekah gasp. Your head fell back as realization flooded over you. Mikael. He had found the Mikaelson siblings and would kill all of them, here and now. Where had Elijah been all day? Panicked, you tried to move again, desperate to help your loves' family - your family. The pain was unbearable. It was then you heard Elijah's voice.

"There's no helping Marcel," He grabbed his brother, gazing at Marcel with Mikael's hand in his chest. A bright colour caught his eye, a deep and familiar red. Y/C/H hair on the other end of the dress, in just a position that he couldn't confirm whether or not it was you, his love. The glint of diamonds caught the light as you fell limp again, the pain finally getting the better of you. A pit fell in Elijah's stomach. "We must run," were the last words you ever heard Elijah say, as he and his siblings ran from the opera house. If there was a god, you prayed that Elijah got out safely. Flames erupted from somewhere in the opera house, and you swore this was your end.

~~~ 

Present day

That night lingers in your dreams every so often, even now, a century later. You had come to the conclusion that Mikael had gotten to them that night. Why else wouldn't Elijah swoop in and save you?

Marcel had come to just before the flames took over, seeing you struggling to get free. He saved you that night. Not Elijah. Together, you and Marcel built an empire in New Orleans, years spent building what had burned. Allyships, enemies, pacts, and treaties. It was, in all ways, strictly platonic. You had formed a friendship with the man, some nights even spent drunkenly crying to him about what you both had lost that night. You were each other's family now.

You left New Orleans in the late 1990's, feeling as though you had accomplished everything there was to do. Marcel stayed to rule what you had built together, but he always stressed to you that you had a home there, no matter what.

Travelling wasn't what you remembered it being. When you were with Elijah, it was always filled with adventure and awe. Now, it was lonely, and you found yourself searching for something, or more specifically, someone.

Years ago in Rome, you saw a dark-haired man in a tailored suit and your heart skipped a beat. You grabbed onto his arm and spun him around. But, of course, it wasn't him. You apologized to the man, as he scoffed and turned back around. The rest of your time in Rome was wasted in back alley's, taking your anger out on unsuspecting tourists. Your humanity was killing you. Done with the hurt and the pain, you finally flipped your switch. Ripper Y/N was a force to be reckoned with.

You found yourself in New York, playfully stalking a poor soul in the dead of night when your phone rang. Growling, you took it out of your pocket, the phone lighting up your face in the darkness reading "Marcel".

"What?" You put the phone to your ear as you watched your prey run to safety.

"You need to come home," he said in a hushed tone, "there's someone important here that you need to see."

You scoffed. "No one in my life is important anymore." These comments had become more and more frequent since you flipped your switch, but it stung Marcel nonetheless.

"I'm serious, Y/N/N. Come home. You wouldn't believe who it is if I told you." You heard him move away from the phone a bit, probably watching his surroundings. You rolled your eyes but decided to humour him.

"I'll be there tomorrow. This better be good." You hung up the phone, not waiting for his response. The veins around your eyes turned ashen and your eyes black as you hunted down another meal.

~~~

Walking down the French Quarter streets almost brought back fond memories for you. Almost. You made your way toward the compound to find Marcel, giving little notice to the walking food supplies around you. Mardi Gras was around the corner, and you would stick around town to have your fun then. Nothing better than booze, parties, and blood.

"Y/N!" Marcel greeted as you rounded the corner, arms outstretched.

"Marcel," You greeted, "What brings me here?" You asked in a bored tone.

He dropped his arms in a defeated manner. "Good to see you too," You rolled your eyes and raised an eyebrow. "Fine. I'll show you. Let's go." He pulled out his phone and sent a text. You eyed him but followed as he walked out onto the street. You recognized where he was heading. The ol' reliable of bars, Rousseau's. A smile crept onto your face, glad to be getting a drink in your system soon. He turned to look at you and reciprocated the smile. "Just wait," He said, leading you into the bar.

The bar was generally full, about as busy as you remembered it being every time you were there. You breathed in the familiar scent of the bar, catching a second familiar scent. You froze before you could exhale, eyes looking wildly around the bar. They landed on the beautiful blonde woman sitting there, watching you with a small smile on her face. Rebekah. Your eyes followed to her right, another blonde with a shit-eating smirk on his face. Klaus.

Something inside you changed, and you involuntarily flipped your switch back. The wind was knocked out of your lungs as you stared at the two Original siblings who were supposed to be dead. A tear fell down your cheek. Marcel pulled you by your arm toward them, gesturing the pretty blonde behind the bar for a shot or two.

Klaus raised his eyebrow, but his eyes shined. Rebekah was emotional as well.

"I thought you were- I swore, you and him and El-" you choked on the words as Rebekah pulled you into a hug, that you weakly responded to.

"I know, love. Us too. We couldn't bring ourselves to come back because we thought we'd lost you both." Klaus said from behind Rebekah. Rebekah released you and looked into your eyes.

"It's so good to see you, Y/N." She smiled, brighter. You forgot how much your heart ached for your adopted sister over the years.

"I just, I need a second," You gave a weak smile and walked out of the bar, pressing yourself against the brick wall outside. Covering your face with your hands, you slid down the rough bricks, gasping for air. You had to know if he was here, too. If he was alive, too. You pulled your head out of your hands, looking up and around the sidewalk as people walked by.

You could feel it, that he was there, somewhere. You don't love someone for centuries and not know what their presence is like. You looked into the street and saw a figure facing you, hand in his suit pants pocket, looking at you from a distance. He hadn't changed at all, except the suit was surely more expensive than any others he had owned in the previous years. He smiled a small, sad smile. You stood on shaky legs, not daring to take a step for fear of falling. You thought he was dead, but there he is, right in front of you on the street, smiling at you.

"Elijah?" Tears spilled from your eyes as he sped to you in an instant, inches from you now. He was ready to catch you at a moment's notice. His scent filled your lungs as he looked down at you, taking you in. Your hand reached up to hover over his cheek, not daring to touch him.

"Y/N, I-" Before he could speak more, you silenced him with the flat of your hand, slapping him across the face. Surprise filled his eyes, unsure of what to do. You touched him for the first time in a century, and it felt good. You picked up a choked laugh from inside the bar, as you realized how close you were to the windows of Rousseau's. Marcel had choked on his drink, laughing as he watched.

"How dare you." You whispered. As if he knew this might happen, his eyes became more understanding, more guilty. "Years, Elijah. I thought you were dead, for years. Because you never came back for me." He looked at the ground between you, taking a step back. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, debating on his words.

"I did, Y/N. I did come back for you," He ducked his head but raised his eyes to meet yours. "A few decades after what happened at the opera house. I had to know if you were alive. I didn't see Marcel, but I saw you, being a leader and thriving, and I couldn't bring myself to put you in that same danger. You had healed and you were so strong. Mikael was still out there, and I knew he would use you against me, again. I couldn't have that." He talked of Mikael in the past tense, leading you to believe that he wasn't a problem anymore. You shook your head, your eyes never leaving his.

"That doesn't make it any better," You said quietly, "I was mourning you and your family, my family. I was rebuilding what you had all worked so hard to create in the first place. Marcel and I rebuilt. This isn't something you can just come in and take from us. He helped me over these years. He's the one that saved me. I would've died if it wasn't for him. Not you." Those last words stung both of you. What little was left of your heart was cracking and breaking. A tear slid down Elijah's cheek and you reflexively moved to wipe it away. Elijah's eyes looked hopeful as your hand gently moved toward him, but you stopped yourself and hovered your hand over his cheek once again. You blinked your eyes as if shaking yourself from a trance and lowered your hand slowly.

"Y/N, please, let me spend forever showing you that I deeply regret not making myself known to you. Please." He took your hand this time and kissed it, his eyes searching yours for your response. The picture of you limply hanging from the metal fence flashed in his eyes and guilt clouded him. You let him take your hand, desperately wanting him to keep kissing you.

"I need a drink," You slouched and pulled your hand away, deciding to stand your ground in your anger. You turned and walked back into Rousseau's where Rebekah and Marcel had started a tender conversation while Klaus was flirting with the blonde bartender. You plopped down next to Klaus and he looked at you, remorseful.

"A drink here for my friend please, sweetheart." He winked at the bartender - her name tag read Camille - and she nodded, obliging his request. Elijah followed into the bar, sitting closer to Rebekah and Marcel to give you the space you needed.

"You should know, that it wasn't just his choice to stay away. We had to run, Mika-"

You cut him off with a wave of your hand, "He told me. Mikael, danger, blah blah blah," you felt anger rising again, "but you all just left us here to die. I don't even know if you saw me in the opera house, thanks to daddy dearest, I had a slight stomach problem." Klaus's eyes narrowed as you spoke, remembering that night. You saw that you had pushed some buttons. This encouraged you even more.

"I get it though, Marcel is like a son to you, so he takes precedence, but it would've been nice to know you held me in the same regard that I held you. Family. What's that phrase? Ah, 'always and forever'? You must have forgotten that you welcomed me int-" before you could finish, Klaus had his hand wrapped around your throat. You smiled a twisted smile and chuckled as his eyes darkened.

Elijah was behind him in a second, pulling him away. A few people's gazes were drawn to the scene, but there was otherwise no public response. Camille came over, alarmed. "Is everything okay?" She asked, concerned for you. You turned and smiled sweetly at her. You looked deep into her eyes, compelling her.

"Everything is fine here. I'll be taking that drink now, to go." She nodded slowly and handed you the glass of bourbon she had poured. Klaus' eyes hadn't left you, but they softened and he waved Elijah off. He returned to his seat next to Rebekah and the entire group looked toward you as you gestured your head to the exit, beckoning them to follow.

~~~

"A bit vindictive, are we?" Klaus challenged upon arriving at the compound.

You softened at his words. This isn't who you are. A century of anger and grief had built up in your chest, but this wasn't how you wanted to reunite with the people you loved most. You turned to Klaus.

"I'm sorry." You said softly, to no one in particular, but simultaneously to everyone in the group.

Rebekah shook her head and moved to stand by you. "No, Y/N, we should have returned sooner," She glanced back to look at Marcel, regret thick in her voice. "We should have come back for both of you. We shouldn't have left without you in the first place." She took her hand in yours. Her words brought tears to your eyes, again. Klaus nodded in agreement. "It took years before any of us could even speak your names aloud. We thought you both dead."

You and Marcel exchanged looks. He moved to stand with Rebekah, his arm wrapping around her waist. She smiled at him, but he hadn't moved his eyes from you. "All Y/N and I have wanted is to know what happened to you guys. Personally, I'm just glad you're all okay." He stated.

You sighed and finally met Elijah's eyes. He hadn't stopped looking at you since the bar. He would never stop looking at you, not until he erased the image in his head of you in the opera house. His eyes were dark and anxious, desperate to know what was going through your head. Another tear ran down your cheek, you just couldn't believe that he was here. That he was okay. In a flash you were to him, arms wrapping around his neck. Not missing a beat, his hands found their way to your waist, where they belonged. It felt like home. You hadn't felt this safe in a very, very long time. He breathed a sigh of relief, pulling you in and squeezing you, taking in the scent of your hair.

"You promised me forever," You whispered to him.

He nodded into your neck, "Forever I shall give you," he whispered back.

You pulled away from the hug and kissed him, aching for him in every way. He kissed you back with the same urgency, matching your hunger. Getting lost in Elijah was just what you needed.

A cough came from behind you, interrupting your reunion. You blushed and pulled away, turning away from him. Klaus had both eyebrows raised, "I know we're all happy to be reunited but please save the intercourse for somewhere more private." He chuckled and walked toward the stairs, making his exit.

"If I have to wait-" Marcel wrapped his arms around Rebekah's waist, pulling her in hungrily. "- so do you." Rebekah giggled and turned to kiss him. You smiled warmly at them, knowing Marcel felt the same relief you did.

You turned back to Elijah, surprised to see him already looking down at you. He cocked his head to the side, his mouth curling up in a smile. He tugged at your waist, pulling you into him again, kissing you with a century's worth of passion.

[365days365movies]

February 19, 2021: The Phantom of the Opera (2004) (Part 1)

I love musicals.

Hands down, when talking cinematic adaptations of musicals, my favorite is Little Shop of Horrors. I’ve seen it MANY times, and will see it many, MANY more. And I’m not the only one. I mean, obviously, but in this case, I’m referring to my girlfriend. She’s chosen to represent herself with a GIF from her favorite musical, Hairspray. So, here she is:

Ravishing. Now, because it’s currently our anniversary, I let her pick today’s movie from my list. And so, she chose a musical that neither she nor I have seen: 2004′s The Phantom of the Opera. And some of you may now be saying, “What, this guy said he liked movie musicals, and he hasn’t seen TPotS? That’s like saying you haven’t seen Grease, or Singin’’ in the Rain, or, PFFT, West Side Story!”

...About that...

Yeah, yeah, I know! It’s insane, and I’m a hypocrite. I’ll be getting to the rest of those eventually, and one of them’ll be coming in the next couple of days, I promise. You can probably guess which one. Anyway, fact of the matter is that we’re gonna watch it tonight, and I’m looking forward to it. 

However, there’s another factor to this, and that’s the fact that this film...doesn’t have the best reputation amongst fans of the original musical. And, yeah, this should ideally be the Michael Crawford version, but the Butler version is the one I have access to, so we’re going for it. SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

Paris, 1919, back when the whole city was in black-and-white for a year. They lost the budget for color after World War I. Anyway, at an old opera house, an auction is taking place, and items found within the theater are for sale. One of these is a music box with a monkey on it, an item which sponsors a bidding war between an older woman, and an older man in a wheelchair. I’m sure we’ll find out who they are eventually.

Anyway, a broken chandelier is also up for option, and was involved in the mysterious disaster of the “Phantom of the Opera” fiasco. They turn it on with electric light, and as they raise it to the ceiling, the organist goes fuckin’ NUTS. The song’s so loud that it REVERSES TIME, and we’re now in color, in the year 1870 at the same opera house.

The theatre, managed by the soon-to-retire Monsieur Lefèvre (James Fleet), has just been purchased by Richard Firmin (Ciaran Hinds) and Gilles André (Simon Callow), who are there to observe. On stage, a rehearsal for the opera Hannibal is taking place, and the costume’s are already...like, a LOT, not gonna lie. The headliner for the show is soprano (and drama queen supreme) Carlotta Giudicelli (Minnie Driver), and is being funded by patron Raoul, Vicomte de Chagny (Patrick Wilson). 

The background dancers are instructed by Madame Giry (Miranda Richardson), and include her daughter, Meg (Jennifer Ellison), and her adopted daughter, Christine Daaé (Emmy Rossum). As the rehearsal takes place, an accident happens on stage, almost injuring Carlotta. Enraged, she leaves, and refuses to perform.

Meanwhile, Madame Giry finds a letter from the Phantom, who demands his normal monthly salary of 20,000 francs, as for Box 5 to be left open. While the new owners think that this is ridiculous, they also note that it’s pointless without a lead singer for their show. 

However, Christine is volunteered, and shows that she is indeed a talented singer. The show goes on, and Christine is a smash, much to Carlotta’s dismay. At this point, Raoul also discovers that this is his long lost childhood friend (and possibly long lost love) Christine, which she also noticed earlier.

But this is because of a mysterious teacher, who sings to her from the walls of the theatre. Meg comes in to congratulate her (through song), and asks who her tutor is. Meg responds...in song (”Angel of Music”).

Afterwards, Madame Giry also congratulates her, and tells her that the Phantom is pleased with her. Right after, Raoul also pays her a visit, and the two reconnect on shared memories of times in an attic in the summer. She tells Raoul that she is visited by an Angel of Music, and cannot go to the dinner that night with him. And the Phantom agrees, as he locks Christine in her room. YIKES. 

And as literally every person in the theatre except Christine leaves, the Phantom serenades her, angered by Raoul’s presence, and Christine’s potential dalliance with him (”Mirror”). And through the mirror, he takes her to a mysterious crypt beneath the theatre. And as they sing their strange duet in the form of the title song (”The Phantom of the Opera”)...I try to resist talking about Gerard Butler until later. And it’s hard. It’s SO hard, guys.

But, OK, he takes her away on a...sewer horse...how the FUCK did he get that horse down there? And wait, WAIT, does he put her on that horse to walk her, like, 20 feet to the gondola? Like...WHY DO YOU HAVE THE HORSE? That is...monumentally wasteful. Where do you keep the horse? Does he feed the horse? How much? How often? With what? Does the horse eat the sewer rats? Is there naturally growing sewer hay? Does the Phantom’s salary go towards buying food for the horse, or buying new horses when the original ones DIE OF STARVATION - WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS HORSE?!?!? WHOMSTVE THE FUCK

And yes, I love this fuckin’ song (not the singers, but we’ll get there), but this is distracting me alongside the statues of naked men in the sewer, because...well, Joel Schumacher. What can I say, it’s kind of his aesthetic. Anyway, we get officially introduced to the Phantom of the Opera (Gerard Butler), a very handsome-looking man who likes wearing a half-mask.

I say handsome, because the Phantom in this movie, looks...fine. HE LOOKS OK. HE LOOKS LIKE A DUDE WEARING A MASK. What, did somebody throw a hot candle at his face once, and he freaked out over it and ran into the sewers forever...WITH A HORSE? NOT OVER THE HORSE SHIT.

Look, the Phantom is supposed to be HIDEOUSLY scarred. Famously, in one of the film adaptations of Phantom, actor Lon Chaney Jr. purposely distorted his own face using adhesive face in order to play the role of the hideously disfigured character. Now, other versions have just given him severe, and I mean SEVERE burn scars. But behind the mask, Butler looks...fine. HE LOOKS FINE GODDAMMIT. He looks like he’s wearing the mask because it looks edgy and shit.

But OK, what’s happening in the movie? Oh, right, more serenading (”Music of the Night”), with another song that I like quite a bit. This and the previous song were songs Id heard before, and that I’d already had on my playlist. They’re great, what can I say? Now is Butler doing it justice? Ehhhhhhh, we’ll talk about that in the Review.

During this song he kinda seduces her, or attempts to, and also shows her a wedding dress. She sees herself in it and IMMEDIATELY faints, Jesus!  Curtain falls on Christine while she’s in a bed, and we go back to her room, where Meg is looking for her. She finds the mirror, and is about to go back there, but her mother finds and stops her.

Meanwhile, stagehand Joseph Buquet (Kevin McNally) tells the chorus girls of the legend of the Phantom, and describes a physical description that doesn’t match him...even a little. We cut back to Christine, who wakes up in what my girlfriend refers to as a “bomb-ass HQ.” Which is fair, let’s be honest. Anyway, she heads over and tries to unmask her new masked lover (?).

He’s not the biggest fan of this, and he emos all over the screen (”Stranger Than You Dreamt It”). And then, as he puts his mask on, we suddenly (and I mean suddenly) jump to 1919, where the old woman, Madame Giry, bids farewell to...wait, that’s Raoul? HOW DOES HE LOOK SO MUCH OLDER THAN HER, WHAT???

Back in the past, inexplicably, the theatre owners and manager sing about the theatre and the Phantom’s demands ("Notes..."), and are soon joined by Raoul, who brings them a separate note, saying not to look for Christina any further. THEN, Carlotta joins them, delivering a letter of her own from the Phantom, warning her not to return to the theatre.

In his letters, he details how his theatre is to be run, threatening a disaster if Christine is not cast in the lead role, and if Carlotta is not cast in a silent role. However, the theatre owners and Carlotta refuse to obey, and Carlotta is cast in the role, as the owners try to appease her (”Prima Donna”).

That night, during a performance of Il Muto, Carlotta’s singing the lead role. Additionally, Box Five is full, and the Phantom is PISSED. So, like a Phantom do, it’s time for some good old fashioned petty revenge! He switches her throat spray, causing her to lose her voice on stage, and causing the audience to laugh when the show ends abruptly. They quickly and publicly recast the role, giving it to Christine instead. Well, mission accomplished by the Phantom! Guess we’re good without retribution. And then he hangs the stagehand.

Well...fuck, man. Realizing that the Phantom is EXTREMELY dangerous, Christine goes to save Raoul, who she...is in a relationship with now? Wait...wait, hold up, the fuck did I miss? I mean, yeah, he probably is gonna kill Raoul, but there is, like, NO lead-up to their connection before this point.

Anyway, as Christine explains that there is a Phantom when Raoul says he doesn’t exist...wait, WHAT? MOTHER FUCKER BUQUET JUST NOT MURDERED IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY WHAT IN THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN????? YOU LITERALLY HEARD THE...you know what? Break. BREAK. This is...this one’s tough.

See you in Part 2!

[photolover82]

The Masked Singer Season 6 Episode 3: Time to meet Group B! (Commentary & Guesses)

Hello fellow humans! Welcome (or welcome back) to Ana’s Masked Singer recap, where I recap and talk about this show called The Masked Singer if you wanna stick around for that. So, this time around, we get to meet the other group, Group B, who we might not see again for 2 weeks, since we are going to see group A perform again this upcoming week with a new wildcard, Pepper. Anyways, let’s get started with the recap:

Group B was introduced and they consisted of Dalmatian 🐶, Queen of Hearts 🫀, Mallard 🦆, Cupcake 🧁, and Banana Split 🍌🍦. They performed, and one was eliminated unfortunately, let’s start with that…

So the contestant that was eliminated/revealed first in Group B was:

Dalmatian 🐶

Performance Commentary: ok, so I wasn’t super surprised by this elimination honestly, I expected it since he was the weakest vocally of this group. He sang Beautiful by Snoop Dogg ft Pharrell Williams and I gotta give him props for actually singing when most rappers just decide to only rap and not sing at all on this show. However, he did sound a bit like they put way too much of that auto tune stuff on his voice so it sounded like a robot him singing, which kinda made him the weakest link. However, his rapping was awesome (duh because that’s what he does professionally… and btw not spoiling who he is with that comment because when you hear the performance, you’ll know 100% it’s a rapper)

And he was revealed to be…

*DRUMROLL PLEASE*

Tyga

Omg I knew it!! Thank you Twitter for helping me out, y’all are the best. I thought at first it might have been Chance the Rapper but then people started saying Tyga and I was like hmmm lemme see the clues, yup makes sense, well great segue (segway) Ana because imma show you some of the clues you might have missed:

Scream Poster= he was in the Scream series

Cat Doll= play on words because his name is Tyga (like Tiger… man these producers are really into puns, it’s kinda clever tho)

Was discovered by a big player= in 2007, he started doing mixtapes and he was discovered by Travie McCoy who offered him a record deal

Now, that we have that out of the way, let’s get into our remaining contestants (big warning: this group has left me all types of confused when it comes to guesses so I apologize if my arguments aren’t perfect with some of these):

1. Cupcake 🧁

Performance: This performance is so confusing to me. Idk if this is a man or woman, sometimes I think woman with deep voice and other times I am like no that’s a man. So I don’t know about this one, it’s a very good performance of Heat Wave by Martha and the Vandellas but I need to hear more because I am confused. I am in between a specific man or a specific woman but I am not sure so unfortunately for this one I don’t have a guess

Sorry y’all no guess for this one :(… hopefully, next time they perform I will have a better idea*

*(I will say the guess I am leaning towards that a few people have said *just in case the cupcake leaves next* is Ruth Pointer from the Pointer Sisters because there were supposed to be multiple cupcakes and not just one, and in the PKG, cupcake said they were used to being in a group)

2. Banana Split 🍌🍦

Performance: They were 1000% my favorite performance of the night even though only Split/Ice Cream sang A Million Dreams from the Greatest Showman. She is amazing, I absolutely love her, she has that iconic Broadway sound that I absolutely adore. Just her singing this makes me so confident on who she is omg I’m stoked!

Having said that, I am so positive, like way too certain none of y’all will convince me otherwise like Todrick level confidence they are…

Katherine McPhee and David Foster

Ok, so you guys are probably like “Ana, how can you be so sure if the damn banana didn’t even sing a note, he just played the piano?!” Well, my friends, you have a point, but I know who she is and honestly I don’t even care if I am wrong ab him (I won’t know for sure until he sings a note) but HER I am absolutely positive….and they are a married couple and the banana has heart eyes so in my head it makes sense with the clues too, but before I go to the clues, I have a funny story on how I know who Ms. Katherine McPhee is… so like I was watching this performance and was like omg her voice Sound so familiar! Where have I heard her before?! This is driving me nuts… And then I saw people on YouTube saying that it’s them and I was like wait Katherine McPhee that name sounds so familiar. Then I looked her up and I found out that I knew who she was because I randomly watched a show on Netflix called Country Comfort (which side note: LeAnn Rimes or the Sun from Season 4 guest starred on that show and LeAnn’s husband stars in it… so connection there?), which to explain the show briefly it’s literally the Nanny but with country music and in Tennessee instead of NY. Anyways, she sang a lot on that show and it clicked, I was like BINGO OMG THAT IS HER IT CANNOT BE ANYONE ELSE (similar to how I felt about Todrick being the bull when I saw that damn sneak peak performance). Anyway ya, that was unnecessarily long, now onto the clues:

She left school to move to the city= she attended Boston Conservatory for 3 semesters and left to move to LA to try out for TV pilots

Thought she got her big break, but it wasn’t it= she got an MTV soap opera plot but it never made it to air

Collaborator who sticks with me through sweet and sour= they have known each other ever since she was on the 5th season of American Idol in 2006 and their collaboration is that he is a music producer and she sings (on American Idol, he would play the piano while she sang… does this sound familiar to you guys yet? Ringing any bells? If not, rewatch the performance Banana Split did)

3. Queen of Hearts 🫀

Performance: She sang Born This Way by Lady Gaga and I already knew she was going to be good, but this was like Black Swan all over again. This beginning song wasn’t the best for her voice, but she had fun and she did the damn thing. Closest Lady Gaga singing impression I’ve seen, but I am positive it ain’t Lady Gaga. Also, she slayed that ending.

Ok, so I am not too sure about this guess but after a bit of research and voice matching, I think it might be…

Jewel (the singer, not an actual jewel)

Again I say, with a bit of research, I feel like she’s the closest guess I can give you guys especially matching the singing voices, but let’s look at the clues:

Grew up in a house that lacked warmth= she grew up in Alaska (born in Utah)

Tin man from Wizard of Oz= she played Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz in Concert: Dreams Come True in 1995

Hilary Swank photo= Swank has a dog named Jewel (when I read this I laughed, wow Masked Singer really?! 😂😂)

4. Mallard 🦆

Performance: This performance was not my cup of tea tbh, it was real deep country which is not my jam at all. The song title says it all: Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) by Big & Rich. Like it was great no lie, but like I just don’t really enjoy that kinda music so it wasn’t for me.

Again, this one is a shot in the dark guess but I am gonna stick with it and it is the one I am leaning towards voice wise:

Willie Robinson (yes the guy from Duck Dynasty)

Ok, so again hear me out, this might sound stupid (and half of me thinks it is) but it kinda makes sense in a strange way especially looking at the clues:

Surrounded by dollar bills= Duck Dynasty merch raised a ton of bills

Photo of Chris Pratt= they worked together and became friends filming Jurassic World in 2014

Platinum Album= Has a certified platinum album “Duck the Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas” (I can’t believe this one, I was pretty surprised)

Anyways, that’s it! I can’t wait to see Group A next week.. again yeah but with Pepper this time so woohoo another Wildcard. I just hope we can see more of Group B too because it feels like too much of Group A is being seen. Anyways, see y’all next week with the recap for tomorrow’s episode! Bye guys! Remember to do all the social media things! Like, comment, follow me for more, all of that 👋🏼

[funkymbtifiction]

What’s been your experience of knowing a person of each Enneagram type?

It’s nothing if not interesting. 😉

1s: can be principled, dutiful, and reliable. Their pet peeve is for people to be rude, irresponsible, inconsiderate, or late. I’ve known an sp 1 and a soc 1. The sp 1 does indeed resemble a 6 due to content fretting, low self esteem, terror of getting it wrong, and general anxiety, but shows 1 behaviors of obsessive cleaning, a desperate need to control everything, and rigidity in setting up “house rules.” In so doing, she has denied herself anything that is not “useful,” which I find terribly sad. She has no room for pleasure in her life. The soc 1 is far more inclined to be assertive, to correct others, to point out what they are doing wrong, and to show her anger. Much less self doubt.

2s: ah, 2s. I’ve known a few marginally and one “sort of” well, since I spent ten days with her on a visit to another state. She truly reminded me of Molly Weasley in her bustling about, her attending to everyone’s numerous needs (and ability to keep us all in line), her pride in doing things for everyone, and her sensitivities. At one point, her daughter told her, “MOM, STOP MOLLY WEASLEY-ING CHARITY! SHE’S FINE. SHE DOESN’T NEED WATER. THANKS.” Ha, ha. I liked her a great deal, but it amused me how defensively she drove – under stress, I saw her 8 come out, though I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time. We all snapped to attention whenever that happened.

3s: I admire their work ethic but… the one I know offline has to find some way to impress people, no matter what. If that is in showing you his muscles and making sure you know how far he biked today, so be it. It used to be because he was proud of his professional life. Since retirement, I have seen him struggle enormously with having a sense of purpose and trying to find one that doesn’t hinge on his non-existent work. That is what worries me about 3s – getting old, and no longer having society regard them as “useful and essential” is HELL on them. Please, make sure, if you are a 3, to do the internal work on figuring out who you are, and recognizing your own worth as separate from what you do, before you reach that age.

4s: I have known a lot of 4s, some healthy and some not. I have two delightful healthy ones in my life right now – an sp/sx 4 and an soc/sp 4, and they are indeed different. The sp 4 is more internal and less aware of or inclined to change herself for others; the soc 4 looks outward, and is highly attentive to other people. Sp 4 can take on others’ pain and burdens in a sense and feel overwhelmed by it – and with both of these beautiful girls, I’ve seen it turn them toward compassion. But they do tend to run high on “drama.” It’s not a song, it’s an opera. I knew an unhealthy 4 once who was hell-bound to remain miserable and a victim wallowing in her pain and thwarted (almost sadistically gleefully) anyone’s attempts to help her rise above her bad situation. She wanted to stay there. And she drove everyone who knew her insane. Eventually, she lost all her friends due to her being the wet mop all the time -- which of course, fed into her sadistic happiness at being miserable, abandoned, and unloved.

5s: can be callous at times, just because they are so lacking in emotional self-awareness and so fixated on logical solutions, but they will give it to you straight if you ask for it. They tend toward severe social awkwardness—think Mr. Darcy at the Netherfield Ball. Most inclined to disappear five minutes after you meet them and remain unseen until you leave. I knew a five once, the father of a friend, who would call out hello to me as he walked right past me, straight down into the basement, where he hid for hours among his books. Given he had a house full of giggling, silly girls, I don’t blame him. He was truly Mr. Bennet.

6s: can be either the warmest, funniest, most loyal people you will ever meet – or the biggest pains in the butt, and I say that as a 6. I know one other sp 6 and he reminds me of myself, just older and male – we both are hilarious, we both tease people to establish a rapport with them, we both crave feedback and support from trusted others, and we both swing between concern and optimism. But unhealthy, paranoid 6s are out in force right now freaking everyone out about the COVID-19 and the world doesn’t need that. It needs HOPE. So for heaven’s sake, put down the freak-outs, the paranoid accusations, the wild conspiracy theories, and accept that your worst-case scenario projections are just that -- the product of your own scared mind. It may or may not happen, and trust me, 6s, I know damn well that your worst fears usually don’t happen anywhere except in your head.

7s: are enormous fun to go on vacation with, but can be flakes. Lovable ones, but still flakes. They promise more than they can deliver and then avoid you rather than face up to the music when they realize they don’t want to do what they promised. They are hilarious, witty, optimistic, and their enthusiasm is infectious, but sometimes they fail to realize that not everyone wants to be endlessly teased, mocked, or come home to a mountain of stuff followed by a maxed-out credit card bill. Life is not always a joke, sometimes it is serious. And they are inclined not to finish a serious conversation if it in any way makes them uncomfortable or feel like they’re about to confront part of themselves.

8s: I have only known one and… there are things I like about her. Her courage. Her ballsy attitude. This woman made a place for herself in a man’s world, in a time when that was not done. She bulldozed her way to the top. Unfortunately, she never shut off the bulldozer. She has burned bridges behind her, made countless enemies, and gets into foolish personal and legal fights because she refuses to back down from anyone, and will turn anything into an argument. She lost my mother as a friend, because she thought bullying her was a good idea. My mother set up polite boundaries and the 8 trampled them, something my mother does not forgive. Something 8s need to remember – what is fun for you (you consider fighting “bonding”) is not always fun for someone else who is not an 8. Being an 8 is an asset, but only if you learn to tell the difference between a threat and a non-threat.

9s: are some of the most precious people on earth, but also the must frustrating for me, because I see them being mercilessly treated by the rest of the world, which tends to walk all over them. I wind up counseling 9 friends who are frustrated at ‘not being heard’ but cannot find it within themselves to assert themselves in any way, or think they deserve to be heard, or know how to recognize what is NOT okay. Being a 9, a peacemaker, someone able to understand everyone’s point of view, is a valuable gift, but you cannot use it for good if you are incapable of believing you deserve good things, too.

Each Enneagram type has a health level. You can find them at the Enneagram Institute. Figure out which level is ‘you’ and start working toward the next one up, through conscious choices. You don’t have to stay this way. Your life is yours to command.1s, you don’t have to be perfect. 2s, you don’t have to please others. 3s, you don’t have to win every time. 4s, you don’t have to stay in a place of self-loathing. 5s, you don’t have to fear trying things. 6s, you don’t have to be afraid all the time. 7s, you don’t have to run away from everything. 8s, you don’t have to turn every discussion into a fight. 9s, you don’t have to give everyone whatever they want. It’s time to take back your life.

- ENFP Mod

PS: Most of these examples come from my extended family, none of whom follow this blog, so if you’re one of my friends (unless you are the 4) -- I’m not talking about you. ;)

[opera-simplified]

Opera Simplified #4: Così fan tutte

Così fan tutte, ossia La scuola degli amanti

(Thus Do All Women, or The School For Lovers)

Opera Simplified #4

The Basics:

Music: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Libretto: Lorenzo da Ponte

Premiere: January 26, 1790; Burgtheater, Vienna, Austria

Based on: No direct source material, although some say it is inspired by either elements of Ovid’s Metamorphoses (as a classics major and someone’s who’s read it...eh) or an incident that had supposedly recently taken place in Vienna.

Setting: Naples, the late 1700s.

Characters:

Fiordiligi, a woman from Ferrara who lives in Naples—soprano

Dorabella, her sister—mezzo-soprano

Despina, their maid—soprano

Ferrando, Dorabella’s boyfriend, a soldier—tenor

Guglielmo, Fiordiligi’s boyfriend, a soldier—bass

Don Alfonso, an old philosopher—bass

*Note: these voice parts are not set in stone; for instance, Despina is occasionally played by a mezzo-soprano and Guglielmo by a baritone.

Requested by: @harry-leroy.

The Opera, Very Simplified (new feature!): “Thus do all women.” Is that really true, or do you just have a raging case of sexism?

Another New Feature: In addition to the notes link provided at the end of each scene, if you click on an asterisk set, it will now also take you to the notes section for that scene.

The Opera:

Overture 

(and also here’s a version arranged for wind octet. I just thought it sounded cool.)

Act I:

Scene 1:

A café. Among the patrons are Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso, whom we meet in the middle of a conversation.

Ferrando: My Dorabella would NEVER cheat on me! She couldn’t—she’s as faithful as she is beautiful!

Guglielmo: Yeah! My Fiordiligi is like that too and she would also never cheat on me!

Don Alfonso: Well I’m older than both of you and I know more about life so I have full authority on this subject. Anyway, that was fun but let’s move on to other thi—

Ferrando and Guglielmo: NO YOU SAID OUR GIRLFRIENDS WOULD CHEAT ON US AND WE WANT PROOF

Don Alfonso: Eh, let’s forget the proof and that this conversation ever happ—

Ferrando and Guglielmo: NO WE WANT PROOF AND IF YOU WON’T GIVE IT THEN WE MUST ASK YOU TO DRAW YOUR SWORD AND ALSO WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE

Don Alfonso: (Geez, these people must be crazy for wanting to know.)

Ferrando and Guglielmo: HE WRONGED US HE MUST PAY

Guglielmo: Well then, Alfonso, draw your sword. Duel whichever of us you prefer.

Don Alfonso: I don’t fight duels except at the table and with words.

Ferrando: Either fight or tell us why you think our girlfriends would cheat on us.

Don Alfonso: hahaha how sweet and cute that you think otherwise hahaha

Ferrando: STOP JOKING I SWEAR TO GOD

Don Alfonso: Well, by the earth, I swear that I’m not joking. One question: what species are your lovers?

Ferrando and Guglielmo: What the hell kind of question is that? They’re women.

Don Alfonso: Do they have real flesh, bones, and skin? Do they eat like us? Really, are they goddesses or women?

Ferrando and Guglielmo: THEY’RE THE BEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD

Don Alfonso: They’re women! And you think they’ll be faithful to you? HAHAHA THAT’S HILARIOUS

You see, women’s faithfulness is like the phoenix: everyone tells stories about it and insists it exists, but where? No one knows! No one’s ever seen it!

Ferrando: THE PHOENIX IS DORABELLA

Guglielmo: IT’S FIORDILIGI

Don Alfonso: Correct answer: neither of them are, because it has never existed, it doesn’t exist, and it never will exist. Your belief is just some poetic nonsense.

Guglielmo: WELL YOU’RE JUST A FOOLISH OLD MAN

Don Alfonso: Very well, then, I’ll turn your question back on you: what proof do you have that they will remain faithful to you?

Ferrando: We’ve known them for practically forever…

Guglielmo: They’re noble in every sense…

Ferrando: They’re smart and high-minded…

Guglielmo: They’re very even-tempered and not impulsive…

Ferrando: They’re selfless…

Don Alfonso: And they cry and they sigh and they faint at the slightest provocation yadda yadda yadda. Lemme chuckle a bit, would you?

Ferrando: FOR THE LAST TIME STOP MAKING FUN OF US

Don Alfonso: WAIT!

What if, within 24 hours, I was able to give you concrete proof that they would cheat on you as quickly as any other women?

Ferrando and Guglielmo: THERE’S NO WAY

Don Alfonso: Very well. If you’re so sure, then let’s make a bet on it.

Ferrando and Guglielmo: Sure, let’s bet on it.

Don Alfonso: A hundred gold pieces to each of you.

Guglielmo: Make it a thousand.

Don Alfonso: Just a hundred.

Guglielmo: Fine.

Don Alfonso: Shake on it?

Ferrando: You have our word.

*They shake on it.*

Guglielmo: What are you gonna do with your hundred gold pieces?

Ferrando: I’M GONNA HIRE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TO SERENADE DORABELLA BECAUSE APPARENTLY DESPITE BEING IN AN OPERA I CAN’T DO IT MYSELF

Guglielmo: Well I’M GONNA THROW A HUGE PARTY AND CELEBRATE VENUS

Don Alfonso: I hate to be that person (well, not really actually), but CAN I COME???

Ferrando and Guglielmo: Of course!

Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: AND WE’LL ALL TOAST TO THE GOD OF LOVE

*They leave.*

Scene 2:

The garden of Fiordiligi and Dorabella’s house by the sea. Fiordiligi and Dorabella are gazing at the portraits of their lovers, which they keep in lockets.

Fiordiligi: Look, isn’t my boyfriend the cutest?

Dorabella: Sure, whatever, but look at my boyfriend’s eyes! They can shoot ARROWS OR EVEN FLAMES

Fiordiligi: He’s a warrior...a lover...he’s the perfect guy!

Dorabella: His face is both very sweet and very threatening but I don’t find that creepy at all. It’s just...so charming.

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: HOW HAPPY WE ARE AND IF WE EVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE MAY LOVE ITSELF MAKE US SUFFER BUT IT’S NOT LIKE THAT’S EVER GONNA HAPPEN

Fiordiligi: Y’know, I’m feeling a bit fiery...a bit ticklish in my veins...which is definitely not code for me being horny, but when Guglielmo comes, who knows what I’ll do to him, if you know what I mean…

Dorabella: Ha! Something new for you, I’d suppose? In any case, I’m sure we’ll both get married soon.

Fiordiligi: Here, give me your hand. Lemme try out my palm-reading skills.

*Dorabella gives Fiordiligi her hand.*

Yeah, looks like you’re right.

Dorabella: I’d like that!

Fiordiligi: Well, I certainly wouldn’t mind getting married soon.

Dorabella: Me neither, but they were already supposed to be here by now. What’s taking them so long?

*Don Alfonso enters.*

Fiordiligi: THERE THEY ARE

Dorabella: False alarm; it’s just Don Alfonso.

Fiordiligi: greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat oh hi Don Alfonso how are you doing today?

Don Alfonso: Ladies, my respects.

Dorabella: Uh...are you okay??? Why are you here by yourself??? Without our boyfriends??? You’re crying??? TELL US WHAT’S HAPPENING IT OBVIOUSLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH OUR BOYFRIENDS BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING ELSE THAT MATTERS HERE

Fiordiligi: YEAH WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BOYFRIEND

Don Alfonso: Well, I’d like to say something, but I’m so upset I can’t get my voice out and I’m totally not just being a skilled actor like every basso buffo worth his salt has to be anyway what ever shall we do THERE’S BEEN A HUGE CATASTROPHE AND ALL YOUR LIVES ARE OVER SO I PITY THE FOOLS— I MEAN YOU YOUNG ADORABLE LOVERS

Fiordiligi: STOP BABBLING AND TELL US WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON BECAUSE THE SUSPENSE IS TOO MUCH TO BEAR

Don Alfonso: My dears, arm yourself with the only weapon a good woman can have (because obviously you women are too weak for weapons), fidelity. Your lovers have been called to war.

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THEY’RE LEAVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Don Alfonso: I’m pretty sure your boyfriends are too scared to see you, but they’re willing to see you if they want—

Dorabella: WHERE ARE THEY

Don Alfonso: Come on out, Ferrando and Guglielmo!

*Ferrando and Guglielmo enter dressed in traveling clothes.*

Guglielmo: I don’t know if I can do this…

Ferrando: I can’t speak…

Don Alfonso: Remember, it’s in times like these, the worst possible times, that true heroes show their strength and manliness. You’re manly men! Act like it.

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE ALREADY HEARD THE NEWS SO JUST GO AHEAD AND LITERALLY STAB US IN THE HEARTS BECAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY NOT AN OVERREACTION BUT WE REALLY REALLY JUST LOVE YOU GUYS

Ferrando and Guglielmo: THIS ISN’T OUR FAULT AT ALL IT’S JUST FATE

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT LEAVING

Dorabella: I WILL TEAR OUT MY HEART FIRST

Fiordiligi: AND I WILL DIE AT YOUR FEET

Ferrando and Guglielmo: How do you like them apples, Alfonso?

Don Alfonso: Remember, the day is nowhere near done yet.

Everyone: FATE SUCKS HOW CAN WE LOVE LIFE WHEN THERE’S SO MUCH SUCK WHY DON’T WE ALL JUST DIE

You know, that whole exchange was great! Let’s do it again!

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT LEAVING

Dorabella: I WILL TEAR OUT MY HEART FIRST

Fiordiligi: AND I WILL DIE AT YOUR FEET

Ferrando and Guglielmo: How do you like them apples, Alfonso?

Don Alfonso: Remember, the day is nowhere near done yet.

Everyone: FATE SUCKS HOW CAN WE LOVE LIFE WHEN THERE’S SO MUCH SUCK WHY DON’T WE ALL JUST DIE

Guglielmo: nonono don’t cry my love!

Ferrando: don’t despair my love everything will be okay

Don Alfonso: At least let them cry and mourn. They have every reason to.

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE DON’T EVEN KNOW IF WE’LL EVER SEEN YOU AGAIN

*Fiordiligi and Dorabella embrace their respective lovers.*

Fiordiligi: Leave me this sword, would you? If fate is even more cruel, I’ll need it to do some dying…

Dorabella: well I’M so full of grief that I DON’T EVEN NEED A SWORD BECAUSE MY GRIEF WILL KILL ME ON ITS OWN

Ferrando and Guglielmo: Hey, hey, stop talking about death it’ll be okay and you’ll have peace as long as we’re alive!

LOVE PROTECT OUR SISTERS AND GIVE THEIR EYES PEACE BECAUSE YEAH AND MAY THE CRUEL STARS OF FATE NEVER TOUCH THEM AND MAY WE RETURN HAPPILY TO THEM SOON

Don Alfonso: hahaha how charming this little show is hahaha

*A drum roll is heard nearby from offstage.*

Ferrando: OH NO THAT’S THE DRUM ROLL THAT TAKES US AWAY FROM YOU

Don Alfonso: Well, here’s the boat.

Fiordiligi: I’M GONNA FAINT

Dorabella: well I’M GONNA DIE

*A military march is heard; a boat full of people comes onstage.*

Boat Passengers: MILITARY LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND AWESOME BECAUSE YOU’RE ALWAYS ON THE MOVE AND YOU SEE DIFFERENT PLACES AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS AND YOU DREAM OF WINNING BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS WIN THERE’S SO MUCH WINNING YOU’LL GET TIRED OF WINNING ANYWAY BEING IN THE MILITARY IS SO LEGIT AND THAT’S OUR COMMERCIAL ANY QUESTIONS

Don Alfonso: Welp, time for you boys to answer the call of destiny, or well, more like duty I guess.

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando and Guglielmo: I WUV YOU SO MUCH TIME FOR THE WATERWORKS

Ferrando and Guglielmo: EMBRACE US BEFORE WE GO

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE’RE GONNA DIE OF GRIEF

Fiordiligi: WRITE TO ME EVERY DAY

Dorabella: well WRITE TO ME TWICE A DAY

Fiordiligi: WHY DO YOU KEEP TRYING TO ONE-UP ME

Dorabella: I’M YOUR SISTER THAT’S WHAT I DO

Guglielmo: I’LL WRITE TO YOU EVERY DAY

Ferrando: YOU CAN COUNT ON ME MY LOVE

Don Alfonso: I’ll burst if I don’t laugh at the sheer absurdity of this.

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: BE FAITHFUL TO US

Ferrando and Guglielmo: (same goes for you)

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: FAREWELL FAREWELL MY HEART IS BWEAKING AND I WUV YOU SO MUCH FAREWELL FAREWELL FAREWELL

Don Alfonso: Seriously, how can you not laugh at this?

Boat Passengers: TIME TO DO OUR MILITARY COMMERCIAL AGAIN  

MILITARY LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND AWESOME BECAUSE YOU’RE ALWAYS ON THE MOVE AND YOU SEE DIFFERENT PLACES AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS AND YOU DREAM OF WINNING BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS WIN THERE’S SO MUCH WINNING YOU’LL GET TIRED OF WINNING ANYWAY BEING IN THE MILITARY IS SO LEGIT AND THAT’S OUR COMMERCIAL ANY QUESTIONS

*During the above, Ferrando and Guglielmo get into the boat, which leaves.*

Dorabella: Where...where are they?

Don Alfonso: THEY LITERALLY JUST LEFT HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THAT

Dorabella: I think I was in a faint or something DON’T JUDGE ME

Don Alfonso: CHILL FOR FIVE SECONDS

Fiordiligi: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER

Don Alfonso: Take heart! Look, they’re waving to you! See?

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: Well, that makes us feel a little better…

HAVE A NICE TRIP

Fiordiligi: OMG THE BOAT IS LEAVING SO QUICKLY AND NOW I CAN’T SEE IT ANYMORE WELL I HOPE THAT HEAVEN LETS IT HAVE A GOOD VOYAGE

Dorabella: GOOD LUCK TO THEM ALL ESPECIALLY OUR BOYFRIENDS

Don Alfonso: I hope they stay safe. You know, they’re not just your boyfriends, but also my buddies.

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Don Alfonso: May the wind and waves be gentle and calm, and may everything go according to our wishes! **

*Fiordiligi and Dorabella leave.*

Don Alfonso: Yup, ‘basso buffo as good actor’ pays off yet again. I’ll meet my buddies at the place we agreed on. I have to do that quickly to set the plan in action as quickly as possible. All those mushy-gushy remarks and sad faces and tricks worked so well on them! They’ll fall easily—we all know women are emotionally unstable and will change at the drop of a hat or the change of an outfit. Oh, you foolish young men, gambling a hundred gold pieces for a woman…

How does that song go again? Oh yeah, it’s “how do you solve a problem like a womaaaaaaaaan? How can you catch a cloud and pin it doooooooooooown? How do you find a word that means ‘a womaaaaaaaaaan’? A flibbertigibbet, a will-o’-the-wisp, a clown? Many a thing you know you’d like to tell heeeeeeeeeeer, many a thing she ought to understaaaaaaaaand...but how do you make her stay, and listen to all you say? How do you keep a wave upon the saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand? Oh, how do you solve a problem like a womaaaaaaaaaaaaan? How can you hold a moonbeam in your haaaaaaaaaand?” 

Well, the answer is you can’t. A woman will never be faithful. And I’m a philosopher dude, so obviously I’m right.

*He leaves.*

Scene 3:

A room with three doors inside Fiordiligi and Dorabella’s house. Despina is preparing a tray of hot chocolate for the sisters.

Despina: Uggggggggggggggggggggggggh I HATE being a working-class maid. All I do is work work work and in the end I get nothing. It all goes to my bosses!

For example, this stupid hot chocolate the ladies insist I make them. I’ve been beating it for half an hour and smelling that glorious chocolatey smell and it makes me just want to gulp it down but I CAN’T because all of it is for the ladies and none of it is for me! Hey, have you ever thought that we servants have mouths and hungry bellies too? If you put us in a room with hot chocolate, do we not want to drink it? Screw capitalism.

Oh shoot, they’re coming!

*Fiordiligi and Dorabella run in.*

Your precious hot chocolate, ladies.

*Dorabella starts throwing stuff onto the ground.*

Uh...what are you doing? What happened?

Fiordiligi: I NEED TO FIND A SWORD IMMEDIATELY FOR REASONS UNRELATED TO MY NEWFOUND SUICIDAL WISHES WHERE IS THERE A SWORD

Dorabella: I NEED TO FIND POISON FOR SIMILARLY UNRELATED REASONS WHERE IS THERE POISON

Despina: Oh for heaven’s sake, uh…

Dorabella: YOU SHUT UP AND CLOSE ALL THE WINDOWS BECAUSE THEY’RE LETTING IN LIGHT AND AIR AND I NOW HATE LIGHT AND AIR AND MYSELF BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT GRIEF DOES TO YOU NO ONE CAN MOCK ME BECAUSE I WILL KILL THEM OR CONSOLE ME BECAUSE I’M BENT ON KILLING MYSELF SO LEAVE ME ALONE

I FEEL SO MUCH LONGING AND I DON’T WANT IT TO GO AWAY UNTIL I DIE BECAUSE THAT’S A SIGN OF MY TRUE LOVE AND I WANT TO DIE SO IF I’M STILL ALIVE I’LL MAKE THE FURIES REGRET IT WITH MY EVERY BREATH

Despina: So? What happened?

Fiordiligi: OUR LOVERS HAVE LEFT NAPLES

Despina: They’ll be back—

Dorabella: BUT WE CAN’T KNOW THAT FOR SURE

Despina: Why not? Where are they going?

Dorabella: THEY’VE BEEN CALLED TO THE BATTLEFIELD

Despina: Oh, so theeeeeeeeeeeeeey’ll be back like befoooooooooore they will fight the fight and win the wa—

Dorabella: SHUT UP

Despina: Hey, they’ll come back with medals and glory and stuff!

Dorabella: BUT THEY COULD ALSO DIE

Despina: Even better!

Fiordiligi: Excuse you?

Despina: These two guys die, there’s still lots of other fish out there in the sea that are exactly like them. You’ll find someone else to love. They’re all worth the same...because they’re all useless.

Dorabella: HEY DON’T DISS OUR BOYFRIENDS LIKE THAT

Despina: Ha! These high-minded ideas you have are just stupid tales for children.

You really think that men, that soldiers will be faithful to you? Don’t let them hear you babble like that! All men want is to get that bow-chicka-wow-wow pleasure from you and then they’ll hate you and leave you! You know how it goes: “how do you solve a problem like a maaaaaaaaan? How can you catch a cloud and pin it doooooooooooown? How do you find a word that means ‘a maaaaaaaaaan’? A flibbertigibbet, a will-o’-the-wisp, a clown? Many a thing you know you’d like to tell hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim, many a thing he ought to understaaaaaaaaand...but how do you make him stay, and listen to all you say? How do you keep a wave upon the saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand? Oh, how do you solve a problem like a maaaaaaaaaaaaan? How can you hold a moonbeam in your haaaaaaaaaand?”

The best solution to this is to simply do the same thing to them. Love the one you’re with! Love for your own pleasure! La la la la la la la la la la!

*They all leave. Shortly thereafter, Don Alfonso enters and has a look around.*

Don Alfonso: It’s so dark and dreary in here...I mean, the girls have every right to be completely and utterly depressed about this situation they’ve supposedly found themselves in. Now, while the two guys disguise themselves as I told them to, let’s think about this plan a little more...you know what I need to worry about? Despina. If she recognizes them, I could very well be toast. Hmm...maybe if there are any problems that arise, I can slip her a twenty or something, keep her quiet that way. Actually, it’d probably be safer to just let her know and slip her a bribe to preemptively keep her mouth shut. Good idea, me. I always have the best ideas.

Here’s her room. DESPINETTA!!!

Despina: MY NAME ISN’T DESPINETTA

Don Alfonso: IT’S MY PET NICKNAME FOR YOU DESPINETTA OPEN UP

Despina: WHO IS IT

*She opens the door and they recognize each other.*

Don Alfonso: Despina, I need you for something.

Despina: Well, I don’t need you for anything, so you can be on your merry way.

*Don Alfonso takes out a gold coin and shows it to her.*

Don Alfonso: Look, you know your mistresses’ boyfriends have been called to war.

Despina: Yeah, I know.

Don Alfonso: And you know that they haven’t taken it particularly well.

Despina: uggggggggggggggh tell me all about it

Don Alfonso: I know how to ease their pain. I have two handsome young men here, and perhaps you could introduce them...you know what I mean. You help me, and I’ll give you twenty gold coins. Deal?

Despina: Where are they?

Don Alfonso: Right outside. Can they come in?

Despina: Yes.

*Ferrando and Guglielmo come in, dressed in some of the worst disguises in the history of opera.* ***

Don Alfonso: My friends, this is my very pretty accomplice, Despinetta—

Despina: YOU KNOW THAT’S NOT MY NAME

Don Alfonso: Sheesh. Despina. All our success depends on her.

Ferrando and Guglielmo: You’re very pretty and we’re gonna kiss your hands and also please make the women we love love us.

Despina: These two look weird. Are they Wallachians or Turks? ****

Don Alfonso: Neither; they’re Albanians. Other than “weird”, how do they look?

Despina: I’m gonna say it: they’re ugly.

Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: Well, she doesn’t recognize us, so we have nothing to worry about.

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: *from their rooms* HEY DESPINA

Don Alfonso: They’re probably coming. I leave this to you. I’m going to hide.

*He hides as Fiordiligi and Dorabella come out of their rooms.*

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE WITH THOSE HORRIBLE PEOPLE MAKE THEM LEAVE IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE WE’LL PUNISH ALL THREE OF YOU

*Despina, Ferrando, and Guglielmo all kneel.*

Despina, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: FORGIVE US THESE TWO GUYS JUST REALLY LOVE YOU A LOT

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS WHO BETRAYED US LIKE THIS

Despina: Betrayal? Never heard of her.

Despina, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: CALM DOWN FOR FIVE SECONDS

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE THINGS ARE GOING TO GET VERY UGLY VERY QUICKLY BECAUSE WE ARE VERY MUCH PO’D

Despina and Don Alfonso: Fiordiligi and Dorabella are starting to look a little sus.

Ferrando and Guglielmo: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY OUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE STILL FAITHFUL TO US

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE REALLY HOPE OUR BOYFRIENDS FORGIVE US BECAUSE WE’RE FAITHFUL AND WE’RE VERY PO’D ABOUT THESE STRANGE MEN IN OUR HOUSE

*Don Alfonso emerges from hiding and pretends to have just entered the house.*

Don Alfonso: WHAT’S GOING ON Y’ALL ARE BEING SUPER-LOUD DO YOU WANT TO WAKE THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD WHAT’S HAPPENING

Dorabella: THERE ARE MEN IN OUR HOUSE

Don Alfonso: I fail to see the problem. What’s the harm in that?

Fiordiligi: What harm? WHAT HARM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! TODAY?!?!?!?!?!?!?! AFTER WHAT’S HAPPENED?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

*Don Alfonso pretends to recognize Ferrando and Guglielmo.*

Don Alfonso: What?...I can’t believe this!...You’re here in Naples!...

(Back me up here.)

Ferrando and Guglielmo: OH HEY DON ALFONSO

*The three embrace.*

Don Alfonso: What a wonderful surprise!

Despina: ...You know them?

Don Alfonso: Do I know them? They’re only my best friends in the whole world, and they’ll be yours too!

Fiordiligi: And what are they doing in OUR HOUSE?!?!?!?!?!?!

Guglielmo: We’re only guilty of love…

Dorabella: wait WHAT now

Ferrando: LOVE HAS BROUGHT US HERE TO YOU

Guglielmo: WE FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU AT FIRST SIGHT—

Ferrando: SO WE CAME ALL THE WAY HERE TO YOU TO BEG YOU FOR MERCY—

Ferrando and Guglielmo: AND TO WIN YOUR HEARTS

Fiordiligi: HOW DARE YOU

Dorabella: What should we do?

Fiordiligi: YOU TWO BASTARDS LEAVE

*Despina apparently decides that she is one of the two bastards and leaves instead.*

DON’T TALK TO US DON’T TRY TO SEDUCE US BECAUSE WE MADE PLEDGES TO OUR LOVERS AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS WE’LL KEEP THEM UNTIL DEATH

OUR SPIRITS ARE AS STRONG AS ROCKS ARE AGAINST WIND AND STORMS WE’RE IN LOVE AND THAT’S NOT GONNA CHANGE UNTIL WE DIE SO TAKE THE HINT BECAUSE WE’RE FAITHFUL AND DON’T TRY TO PUSH IT OR MESS WITH MY HEAD THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE RIDICULOUSLY AND AWESOMELY BOBBING UP AND DOWN WITH ALL THE LEAPS IN THIS SCORE *****

Ferrando and Guglielmo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DON’T LEAVE US

(Hey, Don Alfonso, what do you think about that?)

Don Alfonso: (You two, wait.)

Ladies, please don’t make this situation even more awkward for me.

Dorabella: Like we care. What are you even expecting?

Guglielmo: LOVE US OR ELSE WE’LL DIE BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO OPTIONS BECAUSE THIS IS AN OPERA

Please, don’t be shy, just look at us lovingly once, or better yet, love us! AND THEN WE’LL LOVE YOU AND MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY BECAUSE WE’RE STRONG AND HANDSOME MANLY MEN LOOK AT OUR FEET AND OUR EYES AND TOUCH OUR NOSES AND LOOK AT OUR VERY BEAUTIFUL MUSTACHES THAT WE CALL OUR PLUMES OF LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE

*Fiordiligi and Dorabella roll their eyes at this and leave; as soon as they’re gone, Ferrando and Guglielmo start laughing their heads off.*

Don Alfonso: Why are you laughing?

Ferrando and Guglielmo: THIS IS SO FUNNY

Don Alfonso: At least laugh quietly.

Ferrando and Guglielmo: YOU CAN’T MAKE US

Don Alfonso: AT LEAST LAUGH QUIETLY

Ferrando and Guglielmo: YOU CAN’T MAKE US

Don Alfonso: IF THEY HEAR YOU THEN THE JIG IS UP AND YOU’LL NEVER KNOW IF THEY’RE TRULY FAITHFUL

Ferrando and Guglielmo: BUT WE DO AND THIS IS SO FUNNY THAT OUR SIDES ARE SPLITTING

Don Alfonso: Aww, they’re so charmingly stupid, but this’ll end badly for them.

You never really answered my question: why are you laughing?

Guglielmo: WE ALREADY TOLD YOU IT’S BECAUSE THIS IS HILARIOUS AND WE HAVE EVERY REASON TO

Ferrando: How much do you want to pay to call off the bet?

Guglielmo: Make him pay half.

Ferrando: Nah, just twenty-four gold pieces.

Don Alfonso: You poor suckers, come here and let me put my finger in your mouth.

Guglielmo: That’s gross and I can’t believe you still have the courage to open your own mouth.

Don Alfonso: We’ll talk again before this evening.

Ferrando: Whenever you want, we’ll talk.

Don Alfonso: Meanwhile, until the twenty-four hours are up, obey me and do not under any circumstances spill the beans.

Guglielmo: You can count on us. We’re disciplined soldiers, remember?

Don Alfonso: Go wait for me in the garden; I’ll catch up in a bit and give you your next instructions.

Guglielmo: When are we gonna eat??? I’m huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Ferrando: If we wait, then dinner will taste even better.

In the meantime, all we need for refreshment is a sweet loving breath from our girlfriends because nothing nourishes the heart quite like that!

*Ferrando and Guglielmo leave; Despina returns.*

Don Alfonso: How do you think this’ll turn out?

Despina: I think it’ll go right according to plan. They’ll cry while I laugh with an unhealthy amount of schadenfreude because they’re stupid enough to be faithful at the cost of their own happiness. Love should be full of fun and happiness and pleasure and once it isn’t, I say out with the man!

I’ll wait for you in my room so we can plan. If you do everything I tell you, you will all win, and I’ll have the glory.

*They leave.*

Notes

Scene 4:

The garden from Scene 2, a little while later. Fiordiligi and Dorabella are sitting in the garden and brooding.

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: Our lives changed so quickly because when our boyfriends were with us everything was great BUT NOW THEY’RE GONE AND OUR LIVES ARE THE ACTUAL WORST AND OUR LIVES ARE SEAS FILLED WITH TORMENT

Ferrando and Guglielmo: *offstage* LET’S DIE BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE THE GIRLS WE LOVE DON’T LOVE US BACK AND INSTEAD THEY JUST WANT US TO DIE

Don Alfonso: *also offstage* But there’s still hope—OH GOD DON’T DO IT SERIOUSLY DON’T DO IT

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WHAT’S GOING ON

Ferrando and Guglielmo: LET US GO

Don Alfonso: NO WAIT

Ferrando and Guglielmo: LET US GO

Don Alfonso: SERIOUSLY NO WAIT

*Ferrando and Guglielmo, pursued by Don Alfonso, run onstage. The two of them are each carrying a vial filled with liquid.*

Ferrando and Guglielmo: ARSENIC WILL DELIVER US FROM THIS CRUEL SUFFERING

*They each down their vial and throw them away, then turn and see Fiordiligi and Dorabella.*

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: Wait, did they just take poison?

Don Alfonso: Yup! And in a few moments they’ll DIE

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: OUR HEARTS ARE FROZEN NOW

Ferrando and Guglielmo: COME HERE AND SEE WHAT YOU AND OUR LOVE FOR YOU HAVE CAUSED AND ALSO HAVE MERCY

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: OUR HEARTS ARE FROZEN NOW

Everyone: THE SUN IS DARK AND I’M LOSING COURAGE AND EVEN THOUGH I’M SINGING RIGHT NOW I’M GONNA SAY THAT I’M TOO TERRIFIED TO UTTER ANYTHING

*Ferrando and Guglielmo fall onto the ground.*

Don Alfonso: Since they’re literally dying, at least show them some pity!

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: SOMEONE COME HELP ANYBODY COME HERE RIGHT NOW DESPINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Despina: *offstage* WHAT IS IT

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: DESPINAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Despina: ugggggggggggggggh

*She comes in.*

What? Welp, it looks like they’re dead or about to die. That’s a pity.

Don Alfonso: IT’S TRUE THEY POISONED THEMSELVES FOR LOVE

Despina: Well, help them!

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Don Alfonso: WHAT SHOULD WE DO

Despina: They’re still alive. Ladies, hold them up for a bit. Alfonso, you come with me to find a doctor and an antidote.

*They leave.*

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER

Ferrando and Guglielmo: (This is the funniest thing ever!)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WE’RE DYING HERE

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: They’re sighing!

Fiordiligi: WHAT SHOULD WE DO

Dorabella: I DON’T KNOW WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO

Fiordiligi: Well, we can’t abandon them!

Dorabella: They look very interesting…

Fiordiligi: We can move closer, y’know.

Dorabella: *holding Guglielmo* His head’s cold!

Fiordiligi: *holding Ferrando* THIS ONE’S HEAD IS COLDER

Dorabella: STOP TRYING TO ONE-UP ME

Fiordiligi: YOU’VE BEEN DOING IT TO ME THIS WHOLE ACT

Dorabella: What about his pulse?

Fiordiligi: I CAN’T FEEL IT

Dorabella: Even though it’s very slow, my guy here still has a pulse.

Fiordiligi: SEE THERE YOU DID IT AGAIN

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: IF HELP DOESN’T SHOW UP SOON THEN THEY’RE DONE FOR

Ferrando and Guglielmo: (Their resistance is down a bit; maybe they will take the bait?)

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE’LL WEEP FOR THEIR DEATHS

*Despina, disguised as a doctor, enters with Don Alfonso.*

Don Alfonso: Here, I got a doctor.

Ferrando and Guglielmo: (It’s Despina disguised; this is horrible!)

Despina: Salvete, amabiles bones puelles. **

Ferrando and Guglielmo: He speaks a language we don’t know! He must be really smart!

Despina: What do you speak? I can speak Greek and Arabic and Turkish and Vandalic and Swabian and Tatar and— ***

Don Alfonso: Do you speak Italian?

Despina: Sono in quest’opera; tu che ne pensi, idiota? ****

Don Alfonso: Great. Save the language talk for later. These two guys took poison. What can you do to save them?

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: YEAH WHAT CAN YOU DO

*Despina feels Ferrando and Guglielmo’s foreheads and hands.*

Despina: What poison is it, why’d they take it, was it hot or cold, was it small or large, and was it in one dose or several?

Don Alfonso: To answer in order: arsenic, love, I guess whatever the temperature is out here so probably hot because we’re in Naples, medium size, and in one big gulp. I told them not to do it!

Despina: Don’t worry; I can help them.

*She takes out a magnet.*

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Don Alfonso: ooh he has a fancy thing what is that thing

Despina: This is Mesmer’s famous magnet from Germany that’s been all the rage in France. *****

*She touches each of their heads with the magnet and then draws it along their bodies.*

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Don Alfonso: They’re shaking! THEY’RE GONNA HIT THEIR HEADS ON THE GROUND THAT’S REALLY DANGEROUS ACTUALLY

Despina: Hold them up.

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: *holding the men up* Ready!

Despina: Hold on tight and have courage. They’re fine now!

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Don Alfonso: THEY’RE RECOVERING THIS DOCTOR IS WORTH A FORTUNE

*Ferrando and Guglielmo, still dazed, look around and embrace Fiordiligi and Dorabella, kissing their hands.*

Ferrando and Guglielmo: Where are we?...Are we on Mount Olympus?...No, but you two are here and we love you…

Despina and Don Alfonso: Don’t worry; those are just after-effects of the poison.

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: That may be true but this is making us uncomfortable and insulting our honor!

Ferrando and Guglielmo: (This is the most hilarious thing ever!)

HAVE MERCY ON US

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE CAN’T RESIST

Ferrando and Guglielmo: AT LEAST LOOK AT US

Despina and Don Alfonso: Don’t worry; these after-effects will go away soon!

Ferrando and Guglielmo: (This is the most hilarious thing ever!)

HAVE MERCY ON US

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE CAN’T RESIST

Ferrando and Guglielmo: AT LEAST LOOK AT US

Despina and Don Alfonso: Don’t worry; these after-effects will go away soon!

Ferrando and Guglielmo: GIVE US JUST ONE KISS OR ELSE WE’LL ACTUALLY DIE FOR REALSIES THIS TIME

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: excuse me you want WHAT NOW

Despina and Don Alfonso: Just be nice and do it! You’ll be mean if you don’t!

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: THIS IS TOO MUCH TO ASK OF US BECAUSE WE ARE FAITHFUL AND LOYAL SO WE ARE VERY OUTRAGED

Ferrando, Guglielmo, Despina, and Don Alfonso: (THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS THING EVER AND THEIR ANGER IS THE FUNNIEST PART OF THIS WHOLE THING)

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE LOVESTRUCK OR SUICIDAL OR POISONED OR WHATEVER JUST GO TO HELL AND YOU’LL BE SORRY IF WE GET EVEN MORE UPSET WITH YOU

Ferrando and Guglielmo: (Is their anger real or fake? I don’t want to know and I kinda don’t want to know. I don’t want that almost as much as I don’t want them to actually fall for it.)

Despina and Don Alfonso: (OH THEY’RE DEFINITELY GONNA FALL FOR IT AND FALL IN LOVE)

Notes

Act II:

Scene 1:

A little while after the end of Act I, in a room in Fiordiligi and Dorabella’s house. The sisters are talking with Despina.

Despina: ...You two are weird.

Fiordiligi: BUT WHATEVER SHALL WE DOOOOOOO

Despina: Whatever you want! You are human, right?

Look, even fifteen-year-old girls need to know what’s what, what’s good and bad. She needs to know how to flirt, charm them, fake-cry and sigh and whatever. She needs to pay attention to a hundred men at once but not in an “I’m afraid they’re stalking me so I need to be on guard” way and she needs to talk to every man with her eyes and lead them on, and she needs to know how to hide and how to lie and how to make people obey her like a QUEEN!

(I think they like this idea.)

LONG LIVE DESPINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

*She leaves.*

Fiordiligi: Well, sis, what do you think?

Dorabella: She’s certainly a devilish one.

Fiordiligi: She’s INSANE! Should we take her advice? What about being faithful?

Dorabella: Our hearts will remain faithful. What’s wrong with enjoying ourselves a little instead of moping around? So: which of those little Narcissuses do you want? **

Fiordiligi: Well, which one do you want?

Dorabella: I’ve made up my mind. I’ll take the one with the brown hair; I think he’s the clever one.

Fiordiligi: I want to laugh and joke and have fun with the blond one.

Dorabella: I’ll joke around with my guy too!

Fiordiligi: I’ll imitate my guy’s sighs with my own!

Dorabella: He’ll say, “I’M DYING, MY LOVE”

Fiordiligi: He’ll call me his lovely treasure!

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: And I’ll be so amused and delighted!

Wait, hold on, let’s check to make sure we’re on the same page.

Dorabella: I’ll take the one with the brown hair; I think he’s the clever one.

Fiordiligi: I want to laugh and joke and have fun with the blond one.

*Don Alfonso enters.*

Don Alfonso: HEY COME TO THE GARDEN RIGHT NOW THERE’S SO MUCH FUN AND MUSIC AND MAGIC THERE IT’S LIKE AN AMUSEMENT PARK OR CONEY ISLAND OR SOMETHING ***

Dorabella: Ugh, what are you going on about?

Don Alfonso: You’ll see. Come with me!

*They leave.*

Scene 2:

Back at the garden. Ferrando and Guglielmo are in a boat with musicians; Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Despina, and Don Alfonso are in the garden.

Ferrando and Guglielmo: HEY BREEZES HELP US CARRY OUR SIGHS AND WOES TO OUR BELOVEDS BECAUSE THEY CAN TOTALLY DO THAT

Chorus: YEAH WHAT THEY SAID WE’RE JUST HERE FOR THE BACKUP FUN AND HOPEFULLY SOME SWEET SWEET CASH

*Ferrando and Guglielmo get flowers and come into the garden; Despina and Don Alfonso lead them to Fiordiligi and Dorabella, who are dumbstruck.*

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: What...what is this?

Despina: What? Cat got your tongue?

*The boat moves off.*

Ferrando: I’m shaking all over!

Guglielmo: I can’t move!

Don Alfonso: Be good girls; lead them on!

Fiordiligi: You two, speak!

Dorabella: Whatever you want.

Ferrando: Madame...

Guglielmo: Mesdames, really…

Ferrando: You talk.

Guglielmo: No, you talk.

*Don Alfonso takes Dorabella by the hand, and Despina does the same with Fiordiligi.*

Don Alfonso: ugh FINE if both of you insist on acting like nervous teenage girls then I’ll talk for you.

These trembling slaves want to ask your forgiveness for offending you but they only did it for a moment and now they feel bad and are silent…

Ferrando and Guglielmo: YEAH THEY’RE SILENT

Don Alfonso: Well, not anymore, but now they’ll leave you in peace.

Ferrando and Guglielmo: YEAH IN PEACE

Don Alfonso: YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE MY BACKUP SINGERS anyway they can’t have what they want but they’ll want what they can have

Ferrando and Guglielmo: YEAH THEY CAN’T HAVE WHAT THEY WANT BUT THEY’LL WANT WHAT THEY CAN HAVE

Don Alfonso: You’re just looking at us and laughing. At least answer!

Despina: Since we apparently have to do all the talking around here even though we’re like the third set of leads or whatever, I’ll answer for the girls.

Let’s leave the past in the past and break the bonds that chain us; give us your arms and let’s just enjoy life!

Despina and Don Alfonso: (Okay, let’s leave and see how this plays out; if the girls don’t fall for it now, they deserve all the respect in the world.)

*They leave. Guglielmo and Dorabella take each other’s arms and start walking; Fiordiligi and Ferrando start walking together, but neither takes the other’s arm.*

Fiordiligi: OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOOOOOOOORNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN’ OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Ferrando: It’s a little warm, though, don’t you think?

Dorabella: Look at the trees!

Guglielmo: They’re very pretty indeed; they have more leaves than fruit!

Dorabella: ...well, duh.

Fiordiligi: The paths are pretty. You wanna go on a walk?

Ferrando: Anything for you, my love!

Fiordiligi: You’re too kind!

Ferrando: Guglielmo, here it comes!

Fiordiligi: What’d you say to him?

Ferrando: Uh…just told him to give her a good time.

*They stroll off together.*

Dorabella: Let’s stroll too!

Guglielmo: Sure. Wait, no!

Dorabella: What’s the matter?

Guglielmo: I feel so sick, like I’m gonna die!

Dorabella: (I’m not gonna fall for that.) That must just be the after-effects of the poison.

Guglielmo: (Is she joking or does she mean it?) Here, take this gift.

Dorabella: A little cut-out heart?

Guglielmo: Do you accept it?

Dorabella: Yes.

Guglielmo: (Oh, poor Ferrando!) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

I’ve given you my heart; now I want you to give me yours.

Dorabella: I’ll take yours but I won’t give you mine; I can’t because I don’t have it anymore!

Guglielmo: So what’s beating in your chest?

Dorabella: I could ask the very same about you.

Guglielmo: So what’s beating in your chest?

Dorabella: I could ask the very same about you.

Dorabella and Guglielmo: It’s my heart that went to you!

Guglielmo: *trying to put the heart in Dorabella’s locket to replace the portrait of Ferrando* Lemme put it here.

Dorabella: No, not there!

Guglielmo: I understand, you sly dog, and I’m okay with that wink wink.

*He gently turns her face away so she can’t see and swaps in the heart, removing the portrait.*

Dorabella: What are you doing?

Guglielmo: Don’t look now.

Dorabella: I have a bad feeling, like a volcano is about to explode…

Guglielmo: (Oh poor Ferrando, I can’t believe this is happening!) Now look.

Dorabella: At what?

Guglielmo: Just look! Could things be going any better?

Dorabella and Guglielmo: WE’VE GIVEN OUR HEARTS TO EACH OTHER THIS IS A HAPPY DAY AND WE FEEL SO DELIGHTFUL

*They go off together, arm in arm. Ferrando chases Fiordiligi onstage.*

Ferrando: WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM ME

Fiordiligi: I SAW AN ASP AND A HYDRA AND A BASILISK ****

Ferrando: I SEE YOU THINK ALL THOSE AWFUL CREATURES ARE ME DON’T YOU

Fiordiligi: YOU’RE RIGHT BECAUSE YOU JUST WANT TO MAKE IT SO I CAN’T HAVE ANY PEACE

Ferrando: I JUST WANNA MAKE YOU HAPPY

Fiordiligi: WELL YOU’RE VERY OBVIOUSLY NOT DOING THAT SO JUST STOP IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE

Ferrando: JUST LOOK AT ME WITH LOVE FOR ONE SECOND

Fiordiligi: LEAVE NOW

Ferrando: I’M NOT GONNA AS LONG AS YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE SIGHING

YOU CAN’T RESIST ME AT THE VERY LEAST YOU FEEL SYMPATHY FOR ME AND IT GIVES ME HOPE BECAUSE YOU’RE YIELDING BUT YOU SHUN ME SO GUESS I’LL DIE

*He leaves.*

Fiordiligi: HE’S LEAVING...wait!...no, let him go. He’s caused me too much trouble. THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR ENTERTAINING A NEW LOVER AND I DESERVE IT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT AND I’M RIGHT TO CONDEMN MYSELF AND I BURN WITH RAGE AND SUFFERING AND REMORSE AND REPENTANCE AND BETRAYAL AND A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF BUT IT DEFINITELY IS NOT LOVE

My love, forgive me for straying! I still love you and I will always hide these strange new feelings! I will end this with my courage and fidelity and erase the memory of this stranger! Forgive me! I failed you and you deserve better! Forgive me!

*She leaves. Ferrando and Guglielmo enter.*

Ferrando: WE WON

Guglielmo: A double or a triple?

Ferrando: A QUINTUPLE BECAUSE FIORDILIGI DIDN’T FALL FOR IT

Guglielmo: Really?

Ferrando: OH YEAH SHE SCORNED ME AND FLED WHICH SHOWS HOW FAITHFUL AND AWESOME SHE IS

Guglielmo: THAT’S AWESOME GOOD FOR ALL OF US ESPECIALLY MY LOVELY LITTLE PENELOPE LEMME HUG YOU MY DEAR MERCURY *****

Ferrando: And what about Dorabella? Wait, actually don’t answer that. I know she would never betray me.

Guglielmo: Right! As a matter of fact, she gave me this!

*He shows Ferrando the portrait.*

Ferrando: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THE LITTLE CHEATING BASTARD

*He turns to go.*

Guglielmo: WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Ferrando: IMMA TEAR HER HEART OUT AND GET REVENGE

Guglielmo: STOP

Ferrando: LET ME GO

Guglielmo: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO RUIN YOURSELF BECAUSE OF A WOMAN WHO ISN’T EVEN WORTH TWO CENTS

(I don’t want him being a Standard Foolish Tenor even though he just got played like one!)

Ferrando: AFTER EVERYTHING WE’VE BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER HOW COULD SHE CHEAT ON ME SO QUICKLY

Guglielmo: I don’t know, buddy. I really don’t know.

Ferrando: WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW HELP ME OUT HERE

Guglielmo: I’m afraid there’s no instruction manual for this.

Ferrando: AFTER JUST A FEW HOURS IT WASN’T EVEN A DAY

Guglielmo: I’m as shocked as you!

I can’t help but watch you women cheat and start to sympathize with their Jealous Boyfriends™. I love women, you know that, everyone knows that, I show that every day, but all this sleeping around you women do really messes with my vibe ngl. I’ve fought a thousand duels to defend you and defended you with my words only for you all to sleep around and ruin my vibe! You have so many natural treasures but you ruin them with all your sleeping around and you totally justify all these Jealous Boyfriends™.

*He leaves.*

Ferrando: I’M SO CONFUSED AND CONFLICTED THIS IS SO WEIRD THAT LITERALLY NO ONE KNOWS WHAT TO DO NOW ALFONSO’S GONNA MOCK ME FOR MY STUPIDITY BUT I’LL AVENGE MYSELF wait but can I forget her?

I’VE BEEN BETRAYED BUT I STILL ADORE HER AND LOVE SPEAKS ON HER BEHALF FOR SOME WEIRD REASON

*Don Alfonso enters and listens.*

I’VE BEEN BETRAYED BUT I STILL ADORE HER AND LOVE SPEAKS ON HER BEHALF FOR SOME WEIRD REASON

Don Alfonso: Bravo!!!

Ferrando: GO AWAY THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT

Don Alfonso: Calm down; I can take care of this. Fiordiligi is still faithful to Guglielmo but Dorabella has betrayed you.

Ferrando: I KNOW THAT AND I AM ASHAMED

*Guglielmo comes in.*

Guglielmo: But do you really think someone would betray someone like me? In all honesty, I think I’m worth a little more than you.

Don Alfonso: I have to agree.

Guglielmo: Give me fifty gold coins.

Don Alfonso: Very well, but first, we still have more in store.

Guglielmo: What?

Don Alfonso: The twenty-four hours are still not up. You swore to do what I told you to for all that time. There still may be more twists. Remember this old saying I came up with: don’t count your chickens before they hatch.

*They leave.*

Notes

Scene 3:

A room with a table in the sisters’ house; Dorabella and Despina are talking.

Despina: Now I see behind that facade of yours: you’re as worldly as they come!

Dorabella: I tried to resist, but he’s just so eloquent and well-mannered and no one could resist that even if they were made of stone—

*Fiordiligi storms in.*

Fiordiligi: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT

Despina: What happened?

Dorabella: Do you have some strange illness?

Fiordiligi: I HAVE A CASE OF THE DEVIL AND MAY HE TAKE ALL THE PRINCIPALS IN THIS OPERA AND EVERYONE IN THE WORLD

Dorabella: Have you lost your MIND?!?!?!?!

Fiordiligi: IT’S WORSE THAN THAT I’M IN LOVE AND NOT ONLY WITH GUGLIELMO

Despina: That’s great news! Maybe you could be a little smarter than every Jealous Opera Character and do some polyamory!

Dorabella: So you like the blond one?

Fiordiligi: UNFORTUNATELY I GUESS SO

Despina: Good for you!

Dorabella: You have the blond one, I have the dark-haired one, and we’re both brides!

Fiordiligi: I can get over this.

Despina: No, you can’t.

Fiordiligi: Watch me.

Dorabella: Trust me; it’s better to just give in.

Love is a sneaky little bastard, a little thief or a serpent. It messes with us and makes us feel happy sometimes and horrible other times. If you give in, it’ll be nice, but if you try to fight it very bad things will happen. If you feel love, do what it asks of you. That’s what I’m gonna do and I suggest you do that too.

*Dorabella and Despina leave.*

Fiordiligi: EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IS TRYING TO GET ME TO CHEAT BUT I WON’T I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT GUY

*Guglielmo is listening outside the door with Ferrando and Don Alfonso.*

Guglielmo: You hear that? My Artemis is still good! **

Fiordiligi: But...wait! I have an idea! We still have some of our lovers’ uniforms here because...well, you know, wink wink...so we must be bold! DESPINA!

*Despina enters.*

Despina: WHAT IS IT

Fiordiligi: Take this key and don’t say anything to anyone. Go fetch two uniforms with hats and swords from the closet.

*Despina leaves with the key.*

I can fit in Ferrando’s clothes and Dorabella can fit in Guglielmo’s, and we can join our lovers and fight with them and even DIE WITH THEM!!!

*She takes off her hat.*

Go to the devil. I hate you, you stupid hat.

Guglielmo: See? She’s really in love with me!

*Despina brings back the outfits, puts them on the tables, and leaves.*

Fiordiligi: Yeah, hat, I’m not gonna put you back on until I’m with my lover again. I’ll put this soldier hat on and it’ll make me almost unrecognizable because that’s how hats work!

*She puts on one of the soldier hats.*

I can hardly recognize myself! In just a few moments I’ll be with my love and he’ll be so happy to see me again!

*Ferrando enters.*

Ferrando: AND I’LL DIE OF GRIEF WHEN THAT HAPPENS

Fiordiligi: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE I’VE BEEN BETRAYED GET OUT

*Ferrando takes a sword from the table.*

Ferrando: YOU WILL TAKE THIS SWORD AND STAB ME IN THE HEART WITH IT AND IF YOU CAN’T THEN I’LL HELP YOU DO IT

Fiordiligi: I’M TORMENTED ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU SO SHUT UP

Ferrando: She’s starting to give in…

Fiordiligi: I’m starting to give in…

Get up!

Ferrando: YOU THINK I’LL DO THAT AND YOU’RE WRONG

Fiordiligi: FOR MERCY’S SAKE WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

Ferrando: For you to either love me or murder me.

Fiordiligi: I CAN’T HOLD OUT ANYMORE

Ferrando: C’MON GIVE IN MY LOVE

Fiordiligi: OH GOD WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

Ferrando: Look at me, have mercy! If you want, I can be your husband, your lover, and so much more. Give in.

Fiordiligi: Very well; you may be cruel, but you’ve won. Do with me what you will.

*Don Alfonso has to physically restrain Guglielmo from bursting in.*

Fiordiligi and Ferrando: LET’S EMBRACE AND DROWN OUR SORROWS IN LOVE AND PLEASURE THAT’S AN AMAZING IDEA

*They leave together. Guglielmo and Don Alfonso enter.*

Guglielmo: WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

Don Alfonso: FOR PETE’S SAKE SHUT UP

Guglielmo: I’LL TEAR OUT MY BEARD AND BANG MY CUCKOLD HORNS ON SOMETHING I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT MY FAITHFUL FIORDILIGI WOULD BE SUCH A SLUT AND A MURDERER AND A THIEF AND EVERY OTHER NOT-NICE NAME IN THE BOOK ***

Don Alfonso: You know what? You just need a moment to vent.

*Ferrando enters.*

Ferrando: Well?

Guglielmo: WHERE IS SHE

Ferrando: Who? Your Fiordiligi?

Guglielmo: THE LITTLE FIOR-DE-DEVIL MAY HE STRANGLE BOTH OF US

Ferrando: See? Now I’m the one who’s worth a little more.

Guglielmo: STOP IT

Now how do we punish them?

Don Alfonso: Marry them as they are. You thought Nature could make two faithful women just for you, but that’s not how this works. Now listen to this and learn: you’ll be very happy if you do.

Everyone accuses women of being unfaithful and I can excuse them for it—some say it’s vice, others say it’s just habit, and I say it’s necessary for women to live that they sleep around. If a lover is disappointed by this, that’s his own fault. Young, old, pretty, ugly, say it with me: thus do all women.

Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: Thus do all women.

*Despina enters.*

Despina: Victory! They’ve agreed to marry you. Are you happy?

Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: Very much so.

Despina: When Despina joins in on a plan, it always works.

*They all leave.*

Scene 4:

Evening. A large, well-decorated room in the sisters’ house with a table set for four. Despina and other servants are running around preparing everything for the double wedding.

Despina: HURRY UP EVERYONE MAKE SURE IT LOOKS GOOD THE MARRIAGES HAVE ALREADY BEEN ARRANGED AND WE DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME AND MUSICIANS TO YOUR PLACES

Servants: YEAH LET’S DO WHAT SHE SAID

*Don Alfonso comes in.*

Don Alfonso: BRAVI! This looks WONDERFUL! The men will pay you well. The two happy couples are coming now. Sing happy songs for them!

Despina and Don Alfonso: (This is the best comedy OF ALL TIME!!!)

*They leave through different doors. Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo enter.*

Chorus: BLESS THE HAPPY COUPLES MAY THEY BE HAPPY FOREVER AND MAY THEY MATE LIKE BIRDS AND HAVE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: THERE’S SUCH A PROMISE OF LOVE AND JOY IN THE AIR BECAUSE OUR BELOVED DESPINETTA GOT ALL THIS TOGETHER SING THAT HAPPY SONG FOR US AGAIN EVERYONE

Chorus: BLESS THE HAPPY COUPLES MAY THEY BE HAPPY FOREVER AND MAY THEY MATE LIKE BIRDS AND HAVE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN

*Except for four servants, the chorus leaves.*

Ferrando and Guglielmo: EVERYTHING IS GREAT AND IT’S ALL RESPONDING TO OUR LOVE

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE’RE GETTING HAPPIER BY THE SECOND

Ferrando and Guglielmo: You’re so beautiful!

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: You’re so handsome!

Ferrando and Guglielmo: You have such pretty eyes!

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: You have such a handsome mouth!

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: LET’S TOAST AND DRINK AND TOAST TO THIS NEW LIFE

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Ferrando: AND LET’S DROWN ALL OUR CARES AND FORGET THE PAST IN THESE GLASSES

Guglielmo: (These horrible people need to drink poison.)

*Don Alfonso enters.*

Don Alfonso: THE NOTARY IS OUTSIDE WITH THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: LET HIM IN

Don Alfonso: Here he is!

*Despina enters, disguised as a notary.*

Despina: Hello, this is Beccavivi, the very dignified notary. He will read out the contract with all the rules first while coughing and then while sitting down.

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY FOR MARRIAGE CONTRACTS AND REFERRING TO YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON

Despina: According to this contract, Fiordiligi will marry Sempronio and Dorabella will marry Tizio. The women are sisters from Ferrara; the men are Albanian noblemen, and as dowry and counter-dowry…

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: YEAH YEAH WE KNOW LET’S GET ON WITH IT WE TRUST YOU HAND IT OVER

Despina and Don Alfonso: Bravo! Really!

*Don Alfonso has the contract in his hand when a drum can be heard offstage.*

Boat Passengers: REMEMBER US WE’RE GONNA DO OUR COMMERCIAL AGAIN HERE GOES

MILITARY LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND AWESOME BECAUSE YOU’RE ALWAYS ON THE MOVE AND YOU SEE DIFFERENT PLACES AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Despina, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: wait WHAT’S THAT

Don Alfonso: I’ll go look.

*He goes to the window.*

OH GOD IT’S HORRIBLE I’M TREMBLING AND FREEZING IT’S YOUR BOYFRIENDS

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: our WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Don Alfonso: THEY’RE BACK AND THEY’RE ALREADY LANDING ONSHORE

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo: WHAT IS GOING ON WHAT SHOULD WE DO

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: Leave as quickly as you can!

Despina and Don Alfonso: But what if they see them?

Ferrando and Guglielmo: But what if they see us?

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: Leave as quickly as you can!

Despina and Don Alfonso: But what if they see them?

Ferrando and Guglielmo: But what if they see us?

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE HIDE IN THERE

*Don Alfonso takes Despina into one room. Fiordiligi and Dorabella take Ferrando and Guglielmo into another room. Ferrando and Guglielmo slip out and leave.*

GOD HELP US

Don Alfonso: It’ll be okay.

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: GOD HELP US

Don Alfonso: CALM DOWN

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WHO WILL SAVE US FROM THIS

Don Alfonso: TRUST ME EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: IF THEY FIND OUT ABOUT THIS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO US

*Ferrando and Guglielmo, no longer disguised, reenter.*

Ferrando and Guglielmo: WE’RE SAFE AND WE RETURN TO OUR FAITHFUL LOVERS IN ORDER TO REWARD THEIR FAITHFULNESS FAITHFULNESS FAITHFULNESS

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: OMG HOW THIS IS AMAZING BUT HOW ARE YOU HERE IT HASN’T EVEN BEEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS SINCE YOU LEFT

Ferrando and Guglielmo: The King changed his mind and made an order so we’re back with you, our loves!

Guglielmo: Why aren’t you saying anything?

Ferrando: Why are you sad?

Don Alfonso: They’re so confused that they can’t speak!

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: I CAN’T TALK AND IT’LL BE A MIRACLE IF I DON’T DIE RIGHT NOW

Guglielmo: Let us put our trunk in this room.

*The servants bring in a trunk. Guglielmo helps them bring it into the room where Despina is hiding.*

WHY IS THERE A NOTARY HIDING IN HERE WHAT IS HE DOING HERE

Despina: IT’S JUST DESPINA IN DISGUISE I WAS JUST AT A COSTUME PARTY

Ferrando and Guglielmo: (Who else is as sly as her?)

Despina: (Who else is as sly as me?)

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: DESPINA?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE

*Don Alfonso drops the contract, which the women have signed.*

Don Alfonso: (Guys, I dropped the papers. Pick them up. Make a show of it.)

*Ferrando picks up the contract.*

Ferrando: What’s this?

Guglielmo: IT’S A MARRIAGE CONTRACT

Ferrando and Guglielmo: YOU SIGNED IT YOU’VE BETRAYED US YOU CAN’T HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE YOUR LYIN’ EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

OH LET’S REVEAL THE WHOLE THING AND THEN THERE WILL BE BLOOD

*They start to go into the room with their disguises but the women stop them.*

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: WE’RE WORTHY OF DEATH SO PLEASE JUST KILL US BECAUSE WE DON’T DESERVE MERCY

Ferrando and Guglielmo: WHAT EVEN HAPPENED

Fiordiligi: ASK DON ALFONSO AND DESPINA

Don Alfonso: It’s all too true. The proof is in that room.

*He points to the room with the disguises; Ferrando and Guglielmo go in.*

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: I’M SO AFRAID WHY’D HE RAT US OUT LIKE THAT

*Ferrando and Guglielmo come out, wearing most of the pieces of their disguises.*

Ferrando: Lovely Fiordiligi, here is your Knight of Albania!

Guglielmo: My Dorabella, here is your portrait back!

Ferrando and Guglielmo: And a huge thank you to our magnetic doctor!

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Despina: wait WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: THEY ARE SHOOK

Fiordiligi, Dorabella, and Despina: I CAN’T BEAR THIS

Ferrando, Guglielmo, and Don Alfonso: THEY’RE GOING INSANE

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: *pointing to Don Alfonso* HE DECEIVED US BECAUSE HE’S AN ASSHOLE

Don Alfonso: Okay, yeah, I deceived you, but now your lovers are wiser, so that’s fine. All of you, be married! Let’s not talk about what just happened; just laugh like I have been since the beginning of this fine experiment.

Fiordiligi and Dorabella: If this is true, I’ll adore you forever, my love!

Ferrando and Guglielmo: I believe you; let’s not test that out.

Despina: THIS IS SO CONFUSING I’M SO ASHAMED BUT AT LEAST WE CAN CONTINUE LIVING AND HOPEFULLY WE CAN ALL BE HAPPY

Everyone: The moral of the story is that people should all take everything for the best and live by reason (even though no one ever does that in an opera)! The things that can make others weep make them laugh and in the middle of the craziness of this crazy little thing called life, they will find peace!

(And no, this totally isn’t tacked on!) ****

Notes

THE END

Up Next: Roméo et Juliette, by Charles François Gounod

[mechaspirit]

Vacation Disaster (Part 1)

Author’s Note: Thanks to @kouryuu16 who provided the prompt in regards to the new location in Dragon Raja involving a cruise ship, I wrote my first DR fic. And it’s a bit AU-ish because I went with a happy ending (yes, I’ve seen spoilers of what happened. And screw canon, I’m changing it). 😤

And as you can tell by the title of the fic and the ending, you can safely assumed there’s going to be part 2 of this fic. And I’m opened to more suggestion in the next part if you like. Either DM or reblog your ideas in the comments. My ask box might not be working, just a fair warning. Also, if you wish to be tagged in my future DR fics, let me know. Same methods. Until then, enjoy! 😆❤️

Disclaimers: I do not own Dragon Raja or its characters. Only my MC (Mika).

Pairings:...none for now.

Summary: The gang received tickets from the Principal of Cassell College on a cruise ship as a reward and a vacation break from their duties. But things did not go according to plan...

Everything appears to be clad in darkness, and although she couldn’t open her eyes, nineteen...almost twenty-year old Mika could hear the sounds of the waves from the sea and the seagulls crying. It wasn’t until she felt something poking her on the side or head that stirred her from her unconsciousness.

...Wait? Poking?

Mika finally opened her light, blue eyes only to blurry, recognizing a familiar reddish, orangish-headed woman with crimson eyes and beautiful pale skin complexion wearing a simple white, summer dress. And with a worry look in her eyes (and slight amusement), she was poking the bluenette with a stick.

“What in the...Erii?” Mika groaned, recognizing the former chief of the Uesugi Clan and slowly sat up, wincing from the pounding, vice grip feeling from her head and taking in her surroundings. Seeing all the sand, palm trees, and the ocean with literally no one else around them, Mika abruptly comes to a conclusion that they’re on an island in the middle of nowhere.

“Oh...oh crap!” The S-Rank female hybrid panicked and stood up, “This is not good! Where is everyone?!”

Before the young woman can start searching around the island, Erii firmly, but gently pulls on Mika’s arm to get her attention. The red-head hybrid pointed to the sandy area across from them, where Mika saw another red-headed woman, similar to Erii only that this woman’s hair takes more of the crimson color. The S-Rank Hybrid recognized her as Chen Motong, or rather “Nono” as most people called her, and quickly went over to wake her up.

“Nono. Nono, wake up!” Mika told her as she shook the crimson head by the shoulder. As the older woman slowly woke up, she recognized Mika and Erii next to her and slowly sat up, rubbing the side of her head.

“Ow. Where in the world are we?” Nono asked the two other women.

“Stuck in the island, unfortunately,” Mika pointed out, “I don’t even know which island we’re exactly at.”

Nono sighed at that, “I supposed this is what happens when we take a vacation on the cruise in the middle of a storm that nobody expects.”

“...You seemed really calm about this.”

“Not really,” The crimson hair shook her head, “I’m still concerned about the situation we’re in and everyone else, but when you’re on a dangerous mission like this, you’ll get used to adapting them. Was anyone else here?

Mika shook her head. Erii responded by writing something on the sand. Which is a bit odd to the other two women since they’re used to seeing Erii writing on her notebook if she wants to say something. But then again, she doesn’t have one with her right now, which is understandable.

“When I woke up, I only saw Mika-chan and Nono-nee san here, unconscious. I don’t even know where Sakura (Luminous) and my brothers are.” The red-orange head wrote, adding a sad face with a single teardrop at the end.

Then it dawned on everyone else what just happened. Long story short with what happened at the beginning, the Cassell Team consisting of Mika, Luminous (Lu Mingfei), Nono, Caesar, Johann, and Fingel received tickets from Principal Anjou to a cruise trip across the Pacific Ocean, with the latter believing that these six students deserve a break from their missions and college exams. Almost everyone in the team was excited to receive those tickets and decided to go on the vacation since it appears to be a one life opportunity. They were only on the cruise ships for a couple of days so far, and within those days, they came across the Gen siblings (consisting of Chisei, Chime, and Erii) whom one of them manages to win a lottery to the same cruise they were on. It turned out to be a mostly friendly reunion after that horrifying, tragic event (and we’ll not speak of it again for few of the people’s sake).

The third day of the trip, the gang went separately to explore more of the ship and do their own things while waiting for their next destination. Luminous was somewhere in the arcade. Fingel probably went around to find gossips and flirt with other women. Caesar would be somewhere holding conversations with other rich people. Johann...don’t know where he’s at. He’s usually silent about it. Chisei is sunbathing outside near the pool (and gathering ideas for his sunscreen brand). Chime would probably be looking at different opera to explore more musical arts coming from different cultures. The three women were the only ones in a group, and were looking at a boutique store to see if they could find any even dresses they could wear to attend one of the dinner parties where Caesar managed to get everyone else invited.

...Well obviously, it turns out that the party isn’t gonna happen anytime soon, because the ship was rocking back and forth rather abnormally and once they managed to take a look outside, a storm hit. Which caused panic to the people around them. And then, being the agents of a secret dragon slayer society, the gang tried to get the passengers to safety on the other boats, only the ship to finally tip over and throw everyone else overboard. And then you can guess what happened to the Cassell gang and the siblings.

Seeing the sad look on Erii’s face, Mika hugged the poor girl while Nono patted her on the head.

“Don’t worry, we’ll find them,” Nono told the other red-head, reassuringly, “Until then, big sis Nono and big sis Mika will take good care of you.”

That got Erii to smile a little bit and drew a happy face with a few hearts on the sand. Just then, the three women heard a familiar scream coming from the middle of the island where the palm trees are at.

“...Was that Luminous?” Mika asked in concern.

“...Yes, that’s definitely Luminous.” The crimson head confirmed. Erii nodded in agreement.

And then the three ran off to find their friends on an unknown island full of mysteries...

To be continued...

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

Les Huguenots (Grand Théâtre de Genève, 2020): Reactions, Part I

Given that my current Act of Hubris Involving Video Editing is putting English subtitles on this production, I guess now is a good of a time as ever to finally officially liveblog it.

@monotonous-minutia you have seen this and @sweatershowgirl​ and @tatyana-dreaming​ you have not but all three of you are interested in this Act of Hubris, so...here you go! (there are spoilers in this liveblog)

Night of the Living Dead

well now they’re just Dead (except for a couple of principals. also spoiler alert these people keep coming back occasionally. don’t ask me. I was not one of the codirectors so idk)

“this production is sponsored by Adidas”

that one dude in the back obviously did not get the color memo

that or the costume department ran out of white/off-white shirts

JOHN!!!!!!! *heart eyes forever*

FANTASTIC chair setup

Nevers and Raoul are such a BROTP

spotlight’s on you buddy

also this viola d’amore solo is SO PRETTY

how is it that John Osborn is able to turn anything his voice touches into gold

also, UNBELIEVABLY PRECIOUS CHILD

It is a lovely morning in Touraine and you are a Bass Emerging From The Bog (not actually but...yeah) About To Crash A Party

“no, I already told you I needed twenty stuffed-crust pizzas from Medici’s for the Renaissance Faire!”

(I’m only half-kidding, as this is apparently supposed to be Catherine de Medici. yes, this production is weird. yes, it somehow works in the end. also it’s the most musically complete one on film)

you’re going to regret giving Marcel the megaphone

see? Marcel is just Ultimate Chaotic Energy

anyway this aria BOPS and Michele Pertusi is (as always) amazing

the valet (at right): “I do not get paid enough to deal with this shit”

RWS is so pretty *heart eyes*

@rayatii work your meme magic on this I know you can

also I guess this is supposed to be a farewell kiss or something?

also also I love how all the chorus people just start clapping

also also also I am the newspaper dude that is Such A Mood

Raoul please stop jumping to conclusions so quickly (although I will acknowledge that the kiss doesn’t really stem from canon)

tfw your fiancée breaks up with you the day before your wedding

Alexandre Duhamel is me jamming out to this chorus

*dies of Adorable Mezzo*

also: I don’t care that (according to behind-the-scenes video) Urbain is technically played as a woman in this production; I will proudly continue to say that this Urbain is wonderfully genderfluid because that was the Vibe I got

SASS HIM 

ABSOLUTELY GLORIOUS

tfw you’re asked to go blindfolded to a Secret Rendezvous

he’s so freaking adorable I can’t

their energy

when you’re the new royal protégé but have no idea

magic movie makeover

off into the Great Unknown (better known as Act II)

we love the Old Hollywood Vibe

CAN I HAVE THIS OUTFIT IMMEDIATELY PLEASE AND THANK YOU

we stan both onstage instrumentalists and dancing sopranos

there’s just something about her and her voice that makes her one of my top 3 people I’ve ever seen or heard in this role

(her name is Ana Durlovski; the 2 others are singers you’ve likely heard of-- Lisette Oropesa and Joan Sutherland, with Erin Morley and Marlis Petersen not far behind)

I aspire to have her confidence and flair

everyone is Bopping feat. Costume Porn

also: sometimes the ideal Friend Group/Professional Network is a bunch of strong, confident, talented women, a strong, confident, talented, genderfluid director’s assistant, and one (1) Kindly Elderly Gay flutist (not pictured)

Léa Desandre and Anyone brings out wonderful energy

Urbain: “ma’am you are great at what you do but we are on a schedule and that schedule does not include you coloratura-ing”

we have no choice but to stan a QUEEN

Urbain: “really? the PUMPKIN PANTS?”

VALENTINE!!!!!!!!! *heart eyes forever for my favorite character in this opera*

stop being so perfect please I am begging you

Marguérite just checking in to make sure Valentine is okay is like *heart eyes forever for my SISTP. also I kinda ship them*

picture-perfect

WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BEING SO PERFECT

“now we are going to call your douchebag of a father whom I have to act like I don’t despise so I can persuade him by hook or by crook to let you marry your dream guy”

aka Girls Supporting Girls

this aria should be done every time and LÉA YOU ARE KILLING ME HERE

ooh... (the ladies are INVESTED)

I would like to thank the directors for making this happen 

poor Valentine :(

Protect The Clueless Baby

Blinded By Spotlight, Round 2

iconic duo

twice the cadenza, twice the awesome

Raoul: I gotta admit that I’m a bit horny

Marguérite: okay maybe I am a little too BUT I am a good best friend so I’m not gonna do anything with you

Directors: *decide to end this duet with them making out*

Me: >:(

(John Osborn and Ana Durlovski though? LOVE THEM together)

Marguérite: oh shit I am officially regretting the last thirty seconds

also, tfw you walk in on your boss/crush/girl you just kissed making out with someone else you’ve barely met #awkward

CHILD

Urbain: well, you’re a person who...exists

“are you gonna get that?”

“no, are you?”

aka, the Nevers and Urbain Beef continues

someone’s on the phone please be quiet

also, something that happened a bit later but I couldn’t get into a screencap: Nevers has a very firm handshake while Saint-Bris has one like a limp fish

“yes we are all swearing eternal peace yes we are all friends no this will not implode within the next five minutes :)”

this moment is just SO CUTE

Raoul/Nevers BROTP (spoiler: that does not last long)

“here she comes...MISS AMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERICA”

RAOUL NO DON’T PUBLICLY HUMILIATE HER

the SLAP

this ensemble SLAPS

meanwhile, Marcel is just vibing and living his best life

Urbain: okay NO I NEED TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL HERE BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS FUCKED UP AND IF SOMEONE’S GONNA FIX IT IT’S ME

Marcel: but I wanna make Chaotic Energyyyyyyyyyyyy

“well that went well” said no one ever

[whatzaoverwatch]

The Reaper of the Opera Chapter 1: The Opera House

Oh no it’s finally happening. Can’t stop me now from doing this long time wish of the Overwatch Phantom of the Opera crossover AU. Please enjoy the madness.

Next

Present Day

The abandoned opera house lingered of dread and mystery. Dust covering every inch of the place, no trace of life anywhere to be seen. That is until a group of the wealthy standards began waltzing in. Opening the aged door with great force. Guided by an omnic of red eyes, he lead them into the theatre quietly.  Dressed in a black suit to present his class; giving him a polished look in comparison to his surroundings. Stepping upon the tattered stage floor, the creaks and old wood echoing the vacant space. Various articles of clothing and antiques were on display, covered in rags to prevent any dirt from touching the surface.

“Please take your places ladies and gentlemen,” The omnic informed his guests, their footsteps heard from behind. Various sneezes and murmurs filling the air. Taking his place upon a mahogany podium as he rose his voice to gain their attention, “Do make some space for everyone. Spread out if you must, I do not wish to be here all day.”

Everyone gathered closer to their places. From the elderly to the youth they arrived. Taking in the sights and musty air. Some grimacing at the display, while others take in the broken chairs and the burnt curtains. A door closes shut behind by two men in similar suits to the omnic.

“That is everyone Maximilian.” They informed the omnic before them. Max looked to the crowd seeing everyone present and accounted for.

“Very small crowd…although I hardly expected an audience at all,” he critiqued, fixing his tie before drawing his attention to the small audience, “First and foremost, I would like to thank you all for coming to the auction this evening. Tonight, we may present you with many of the salvaged items that belonged to the Overwatch Opera Company. I can assure you that aside from its worn out appearance, we are pleased to honour it’s history by its salvaged treasures.”

None of the guests truly had any care, looking rather bored and uninterested in his speech. The back of his mind wondered if it truly was worth the money spent to make this possible. Gesturing to his men, the two bring over a covered item to set in the middle of the group.

“Let’s begin with our first item of the auction,” The men pulled away the cloth to reveal an old looking box. Carved and engraved with paint chipping the edges. Receiving a fair number of giggles and scowls from the sight, “Here we have what you believe is an ordinary box. However, when you open its casing, you will be amazed.”

One of the men slowly opened its casing to present a music box, with one little monkey figure playing the cymbals. A gentle and quiet tune echoing the theatre. The lullaby withered away the doubt of its value. The patrons listened in wonder at the music box. If Max could smile, he would be doing so from their change of demeanor.

“We shall begin the bidding at 50.”

Various hand raises commenced, the price raising higher with each call. 70 to 85, reaching up to a mere 120 by an older woman. The bidders thinning out, leaving the older lass to be the victor.

“Going once, going twice…sold to the lady in the front,” He gestured to the older woman. Watching her frail face beam with delight at the music box, “All payments will be required before departure. Now onto the next item for bid.”

Throughout the hour, each item was proceeding to sell off. From old tattered costumes, to various props from previous productions. Although the profits were selling lower than Max anticipated, he had one more item to reveal. A finale worth this tiring event.

“And now for our final item of the evening. Gentlemen.” He beckoned his audience to turn around and face where a crowd would once sat long ago.

The men proceeding to their places as rehearsed, grabbing the chains on either side and pulling them firmly. Lowering before them is a cloaked chandelier that enveloped nearly the entire ceiling. Patrons backed away swiftly while Max looked upon them in amusement.

“Here before you is the very chandelier that has hung in the Overwatch Opera Company for decades. Lighting what once was a beautiful theatre to all its magnificent performances. Unfortunately, just mere moments before the infamous fire took place, the chandelier was struck down and collapsed before everyone. Some say it was a broken chain, or perhaps a lazy backstage hand. But allow me to reveal to you people the truth: The chandelier was struck down by a spirit.”

“A spirit?” One person sneered in doubt, turning to Max in disbelief of his tale, “You’re saying some ghost decided to take down that big thing?”

“I understand your doubts, believe me I do. However, what I speak of is no tall tale. You see, this Opera Company had its glory. But within it was a rather dark secret. A monster of anger and vengeance far beyond ones imagination. I believe they had called him: The Reaper of the Opera.”

Dead silence filled the air as a sense of misery came upon the crowd. Some even swore they heard an organ playing within the distance. The air grew cold from the very mention of that name. The doubter still fixing their gaze upon Max as he proceeded.

“Let’s begin the bidding shall we?”

-

Ten Years Ago

“Ah my friend, why must you be so glum? It is a glorious day!” The booming voice of a larger man encouraged his shorter companion beside him.

His hair white and slicked back to show a scar over his one eye. A beard as jolly as his voice. His smile as bright as his heart as he strode with pride. Walking down the cobblestone path, passing pedestrians and vehicles on the side of the road. The man he spoke to was very much shorter than him. A yellow beard plastered on his scowling face. An eyepatch covering one eye as he walked in larger steps to keep up with his companion.

“What’s there to be excited about? We are just going to the theatre to meet with the manager.” The shorter one grumbled. Not surprised that the larger one gasped in shock.

“Torbjorn! This is no ordinary theatre; we are approaching the Overwatch Opera Company! The most extraordinary theatre in the world!” He boasted, gesturing the rather polished and luxurious building before them.

The building polished and carved with marble. A large stair case leading to an archway filled with glass doors. Posters and faces of the various performers of the company. One common face being a cheerful young woman with brunette hair and pink striped cheeks.

“To think that we have been hired to take over the company. It is a great honour!”

“You are lucky that Ingrid has a passion for this sort of junk,” He confessed, looking up at the building. Unable to hide the impressed look he had on how lavish the building looked. That amusement completely subsided by his companions knowing look, “Don’t give me that look Reinhardt…”

“Admit it, you are just as thrilled as I. Even passed that grumpy facade. Come my friend,” He beckons the bearded man towards the entrance, “The company awaits!”

Torbjorn merely groaned at Reinhardts passion as they headed to the front door. Making their way up the steps, preparing to open the large antique doors. Before they could enter, a rough voice cut their actions.

“The theatre isn’t open to visitors right now.” The two men looked to the side to see an older man leaning against the wall.

Hair completely white and receding, showing off two rather alarming scars on the mans face. A complete opposite to the blue eyes that gazed upon them. The man in a long blue coat, black trousers & black boots, taking in the cloudy morning air. His scowl just as equal to Torbjorn if not more exhausted. The two men exchanged glances from the strangers comment.

“Ah, we have some business with the manager of the company. A mister Jack Morrison if you will.” Reinhardt informed, having the man leer in his direction.

“Well, you’re unfortunately looking at him,” The man reluctantly introduced himself with his arms crossed, “What do you want?”

“Oh! It is such an honor to meet you Mr. Morrison! I have been a huge fan of the Companys work fo-“ Reinhardt began to express with great enthusiasm. Jack’s patience grew thin, evident as he turned for the door.

“If you are only here to praise then save it for the presses. I don’t have time for that crap anymore.” He grumbled.

“Forgive my rather obnoxious friend here,” Torbjorn interrupted, receiving a rather insulted ‘hey’ by Reinhardt, “My name is Torbjorn Lindholm and that is Reinhardt Wilhelm. We are the new managers for the Opera Company. I believe you called to meet with us.”

Jack turned himself around to observe. A stone-cold look plastered on his face. Releasing the tension by opening the doors.

“Fine, come in.” He grunts, heading inside while the two men follow suit.

Inside held two spiral staircases leading up to various doors and potted plants. More posters from the outside were displayed in frames. A miniature chandelier lighting the entire room. A ticket booth found on the side, enclosed with a sold-out sign while the other way lead towards some backstage hallways.

“We can speak more of the details in my office. Just some paperwork and guidelines we have to go over.” Jack explained heading towards the hallways.

The two men followed suit, only for the sound of an operatic note being heard from the other side of the doors. Reinhardt held his companion in place while he listened in wonder.

“Do you hear that? It is the sound of passion and power!” Reinhardt gasped, halting Jack in his steps.

“They are just rehearsing; they have a show tonight. Just leave them to their business.” He dismissed, leaving Reinhardt to feel a little broken.

“But we must see their progress!” Reinhardt demanded, feeling Torbjorn pull away from his friend.

“Come on Reinhardt, we can see their performance tonight.” He stated, only to receive a rather stubborn look.

“But we should introduce ourselves! It’d be in good manager spirit if we tell them to break a leg!” He reminded, only to receive rather uneasy looks from the old men. Shrinking back with a shrug, “It’s a theatre figure of speech…”

Jack pinched the bridge of his nose before shrugging, “Alright, we can take a quick look. Have to break the news to them anyhow.” Before the two could question that statement, Jack lead them up the stairs and into the grand theatre.

Inside was rows of red velvet seats all in a formal U-shaped curve. Boxes pampered in curtains and gold that hung against the walls of the theatre. Brightening the entire theatre was a glamourous chandelier that sparkled against the tapestry. Painted mosaics covered the ceiling. Columns separating each sets of rows, leading towards the stage at the very end. A scene was being played out of the upcoming performance. A forest themed background was lit against a set of dancers. All graceful and synchronized to the music being played by the man by the piano. Before them was a young woman moving around the stage. Brown eyes filled with determination as she sung to the empty seats. The two men were left in awe until the woman completely halted her actions.

“Stop stop STOP!” She barked towards the pianist. The dreadlock haired man looking to the woman rather exhausted by her abrupt halt. Clearly showing that this was not the first time this happened today. She approached the man with a glare, “You are going way too fast on my part. How many times to I have to tell you to go slower?”

“Here we go…” A grumble from Jack could be heard behind Reinhardt and Torbjorn as they listened in.

“I told you that is how the piece works. You are supposed to be in a faster tempo!” He exclaimed, grabbing the music sheets to show to the woman. As much as he protested, the woman was having none of it.

“The show will not be perfect if it doesn’t go my way! My way is having my parts be slow!” She pouted looking at him, “Lucio you are making me work too much...”

The argument was interrupted by the sound of a cane hitting the floor. All the attention turning towards an older woman with silver hair. Braided and covered in a hijab.  A tattoo under her one eye as the other was covered in a black eyepatch. Her dark skin hidden in her black and blue attire. Her presence giving an authoritative stature to everyone around her.

“That is enough Hana,” The woman spoke to the brunette. Making her turn around to the older woman. The dancers standing by her side, upright but exhausted, “As much as you desire for more presence on the stage, changing the direction of the original music will overthrow my dancers.”

“I believe she is correct my dear!” Reinhardt chimed in, gaining the attention of the rest of the group. Hana rather displeased by the unfamiliar input.

“And who are you?” She demanded. Reinhardt, quickly making his way on the stage. Much to Torbjorns protests, Reinhardt greeted the young woman with a grin.

“I am simply a man with passion for the theatre. I am also aware that you are none other than the great Hana Song! The songstress of many awards and fans, including myself,” His charm and ego brushing was not to be desired by those around him. However, the flattery was already working, evident to Hanas charmed smile, “A show must be memorable and driven with emotions to let the audience leave with satisfaction! Even in a higher tempo, you may work wonders! Grasp every beat like a lover and sing your heart to the world.”

“Oh brother…” Torbjorn groaned. Jack’s attention was drawn to the older woman. Seeing her hardened stare before intruding.

“Let everyone take five, we will take it from the beginning of Act 2,” She announces, having the other stage members relax with a few more stretches. The dancers free from their poised manners until the old woman turned towards them, “Each of you needs to polish their work. Lena, more grace. Amelie, let your motions become fluent. Fareeha, keep on your toes. [Name], your eyes must look ahead and not in the clouds.”

The women nodding to their critiques as they make haste in their work. Leaving them to their notes before approaching Jack and Torbjorn. Amused by the new faces first impressions.

“I thought we had an agreement to no early visitors Jack.” She teased, having Jack shrug nonchalantly with a sigh.

“There is a reason that I bent our rules a little,” He gestured to the two men, having Reinhardt pull away from praising Hana, “This here is Torbjorn Lindholm and Reinhardt Wilhelm.”

“And who may this lovely woman be?” Reinhardt asked politely, taking the hand of the woman with endearment. She hummed at the loving look of the larger one with a smile.

“This here is Ana Amari, she is the dancing instructor to our company.” Jack introduced receiving an amused hum from the woman.

“All these years and all you have to title me as is dancing instructor?” She teased Jack, having him mumble an apology, “Well that’s all I am nowadays.”

“I think not my dear, I see a fire within you that can bring a thousand men to their knees.” Reinhardt complimented, making Torbjorn rightfully intervene.

“Will you give the woman some space? No need for you to woo everyone you meet.” Torbjorn warned, seeing the love struck daze Reinhardt had on Ana. Jack couldn’t help but snort.

“You might want to ease up on her. Although she is divorced, she is not that open for a replacement at the moment.” He muttered to the two men, his words hushed by Anas knowing gaze.

“I see that you two are exceptionally charming. Are you the new stagehands? Our current one could use the assistance.”

“Not quite…” Jack muttered before taking himself to the stage to draw attention to the performers, “Might as well announce this while we are here: These men right here are my replacements. They will oversee the opera company from now on.”

The group were soon in disarray of the news as even Ana was taken back. Murmurs and gasps filled the stage at the retirement. The two men approached while Jack placed a hand on Reinhardts back.

“Although I had my doubts, I can be certain that these two will continue to uphold the Opera houses reputation. Please take them in as one of your own as you have done with me. I apologize for the short notice, but I do wish all of you the best of luck…or break a leg rather.”

The group left to chatter about the sudden news, only for Ana to tug at Jacks arm.

“Jack, a word?” She muttered, taking him to the side. He was already uneasy as he rose his hands.

“Look, I know I should’ve told you this earlier, but I had my reasons.” He assured the doubting young woman.

“Are you certain that those two can handle this?” She questioned, the two men began introduced themselves to some of the members.

“Well to be honest, not entirely. But I know I can also trust you.” He places a hand on her shoulder with a small smirk. Unable to diminish Anas disbelief as she held him still.

“And have you told the new managers about their…specific instructions?” Jack left frozen in his place, as it was evident that they hadn’t a clue. Rummaging in his jacket as he pulled out an envelope.

“I was instructed to give them this, but I’d rather let you give it to them. It seems he already knew before I had a say,” He hands over the note, stepping away with an apologetic look, “Forgive me, I can no longer follow his instructions anymore.”

“Jack…”

Suddenly, cold shift in the air was felt, the lights flickering causing the members to stiffen in their place. Torbjorn and Reinhardt left puzzled, looking about as they could’ve sworn they heard whispers from the walls. A now spooked Reinhardt is left judged by Torbjorn. Ana stared up at the ceiling, a hand firm on her cane at the tension. Returning her attention to now the empty space before her. Just like that, Jack was gone before her eyes. Taken back a bit as she held the note, looking at the red skull in the wax stamp on the envelope.

“It’s probably the damn wind, you big lug.” Torbjorn grumbled at the paranoia.

“No it isn’t! It’s the Reaper of the Opera.” Lena chimed in, only to be hushed by her fellow dancers.

“The Reaper??” Reinhardt spoke confused towards the young womans’ proclamation. His nerves calmed as Ana approached the two of them. Torbjorn looked behind the woman to suddenly find Jack gone.

“Hey, where did Mr. Morrison go?” He questioned, only to be handed the note.

“He had to take his leave, however he told me to bring you this.” She informed, stepping away to let them read.

“A fond greeting to the new managers. I congratulate you on this highest honor. Just as Mr. Morrison has endured, I have provided a set of instructions that must be kept,” Torbjorn read, as Reinhardt followed along, “For every performance that the Opera Company holds, Box 5 should never be occupied whatsoever. I also expect my monthly wages to be paid on schedule and at the select location. Should my instructions be left abandoned, I vow that much dismay will befall the company. From your most generous patron – R. Now wait a damn moment, what’s all of this for??”

“It is your instructions as the new managers, you must follow these regulations.” Ana informed holding onto her can tightly. Torbjorn left unimpressed as he approaches.

“Now listen here, I won’t be casting aside any money to some stranger! I have my own wife and kids to feed at home,” He tosses the letter to Reinhardt with a grunt, “If some prankster wants to demand money, they oughta just show themselves right now!”

As cursed as Torbjorns words be, a spark and flicker of the lights was seen. Causing a disarray within the performers. In one swift movement, a weight bag from above landed towards a no expecting Hana as she fell to the floor in pain. Letting out a cry as she was struck to the ground with the weight on her leg.

“Hana!” Lucio cried out as the group huddled to see the damage. Unaware of the shadows that wandered above them.

To be continued

[starwarsnonsense]

Top 10 Most Anticipated Films of 2020

Now I’ve got my embarrassingly late ‘Best of 2019′ list out of the way, I can finally proceed to the list that’s probably more exciting - my most anticipated films of 2020!

This list excludes films that have already been screened at festivals (otherwise, stuff like Saint Maud would be here). It’s also somewhat analogous to groping about for a light switch in the dark - these lists very rarely accurately predict my ultimate favourites for the year, so it’s more of a fun speculative exercise. Hopefully this puts some intriguing-looking films on your radar for the year ahead! 

1. Dune (dir. Denis Villeneuve)

Plot: The story of Paul Atreides (Timothée Chalamet), a brilliant and gifted young man born into a great destiny beyond his understanding, who must travel to the most dangerous planet in the universe to ensure the future of his family and his people.

Why be excited? The reasons to be excited about Dune should be pretty self-evident - it’s directed by one of the greatest filmmakers working today (Villeneuve’s Incendies and Blade Runner 2049 are all-timers for me), and is based on one of the best science-fiction novels ever written. The cast -  Timothée Chalamet, Rebecca Ferguson, Oscar Isaac, Javier Bardem, Charlotte Rampling, and more - is absolutely stacked with talent. There’s every reason to believe that this will be something special, and I couldn’t be more pleased that Villeneuve is the man responsible for filling that Star Wars-shaped hole in the December release schedule.

2. Annette (dir. Leos Carax)

Plot: A stand-up comedian (Adam Driver), and his opera singer wife (Marion Cotillard), have a two-year-old daughter with a surprising gift.

Why be excited? You may not have heard of him, but Leos Carax is one of the most exciting directors working - he only makes around one film a decade, but the films he does make tend to be very special. I’ve only seen one film of his - Lovers on the Bridge - but that was filled with such ecstatic romance and wondrous visuals that it made me tremendously excited for Annette. Annette is a top-to-bottom musical with songs by American duo Sparks (if you know them for anything, it will be ‘This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us’), and said songs will be delivered by Adam Driver and Marion Cotillard. It goes without saying that both actors are extremely talented performers with great voices (see Driver in Marriage Story and Cotillard in Nine for evidence), and I’m looking forward to seeing how they demonstrate their talents here.

3. Last Night in Solo (dir. Edgar Wright)

Plot: A young girl (Thomasin McKenzie), passionate in fashion design, is mysteriously able to enter the 1960s where she encounters her idol, a dazzling wannabe singer (Anya Taylor-Joy). But 1960s London is not what it seems, and time seems to fall apart with shady consequences.

Why be excited? I’m not the biggest Edgar Wright fan, but I admire him greatly and the premise of Last Night in Soho is like cat-nip to me. Speaking to Empire, Wright explained the story as follows: “I’m taking a premise whereby you have a character who, in a sort of abstract way, gets to travel in time. And the reality of the decade is maybe not what she imagines. It has an element of ‘be careful what you wish for’.” I’m a sucker for a good, old-fashioned high concept, especially when said films play with genre and really challenge the viewer. The two female leads - Thomasin McKenzie (JoJo Rabbit, Leave No Trace) and Anya Taylor-Joy (The Witch, Emma) - are among the very best young actors working today, and the supporting cast features absolute legends such as Diana Rigg and Terence Stamp. Whether it’s successful or not, this film feels like a genuinely original prospect and I’m eager to see how it turns out.

4. The Green Knight (dir. David Lowery)

Plot: A fantasy re-telling of the medieval tale of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.

Why be excited? There has been a sad lack of films based on mythology in recent years - or, to be more accurate, there has been a sad lack of films that attempt to honour what the myths were actually trying to convey. The stunning trailer for Green Knight promises a film that genuinely engages with its source material, and is just as interested in the psychological truths of the tale as the spectacle of its fantastical scenarios. Dev Patel is an extremely talented actor coming off another great movie in The Personal History of David Copperfield, and the supporting cast (Alicia Vikander!) appear to be fully committed to their parts. I’m excited to see a true myth on the big screen again, and David Lowery (A Ghost Story, The Old Man & The Gun) can be trusted to give an old tale a new sense of vitality. 

5. The French Dispatch (dir. Wes Anderson)

Plot: The staff of a European publication decides to publish a memorial edition highlighting the three best stories from the last decade: an artist sentenced to life imprisonment, student riots, and a kidnapping resolved by a chef.

Why be excited? It’s a Wes Anderson movie! Of course I’m excited! In all seriousness, the trailer was all I needed to get hyped about this. It’s clearly Anderson’s quintessential style, but it also shows flashes of some very bold and striking compositions (yes, I’m thinking of Chalamet on the back of that motorcycle) that you wouldn’t necessarily think of in relation to him. I’m intrigued by the prospect of there being stories nested within a story, which feels like the perfect choice for the structure of a film about a newspaper. The cast features all of Anderson’s old favourites (Swinton! Murray! McDormand!), as well as some exciting new additions (Timothée Chalamet, Elisabeth Moss, Christoph Waltz, among others) that feel so well-suited to his style it’s surprising they haven’t worked together before. Bring on all those immaculately composed shots and exquisite colour palettes.

6. Tenet (dir. Christopher Nolan)

Plot: Unknown. The project is described as an action epic revolving around international espionage.

Why be excited? I hate to sound repetitive, but ... it’s a Christopher Nolan movie. That alone is enough to be hyped about this. Details of the plot are vague for now, but the teaser suggests the sort of intelligent, high-concept film-making we’ve come to expect from Nolan. John David Washington - who impressed in BlacKkKlansman - is a great choice for the lead, and I also love that Tenet will feature Robert Pattinson and Elizabeth Debicki (among my favourite actors) in prominent roles. There’s not much else to say given how little we know about this, but suffice to say I’ll be there on day one!

7. Wonder Woman 1984 (dir. Patty Jenkins)

Plot: Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) comes into conflict with the Soviet Union during the Cold War in the 1980s and finds a formidable foe by the name of the Cheetah (Kristen Wiig).

Why be excited? The original Wonder Woman was an absolute delight, and I couldn’t be more pleased that Patty Jenkins is back to continue Diana’s story. The decision to pick up with Diana in the 1980s is most intriguing (and paves the way for all kinds of exciting choices when it comes to the music and the fashions), especially since it looks like the film is actually going to explore the implications of being an immortal being in a mortal world. 

8. Raya and the Last Dragon (dir. Paul Briggs and Dean Wellins)

Plot: A lone warrior from the fantasy kingdom of Kumandra teams up with a crew of misfits in her quest to find the Last Dragon and bring light and unity back to their world.

Why be excited? The animation scene in 2020 looks kind of ... blah at the moment, with the notable exception of Raya and the Last Dragon. The setting was described by the film’s producer as  "a reimagined Earth inhabited by an ancient civilization that venerated the mythical dragons for their power and their wisdom”, and that alone is enough to fire up my imagination. Off the back of Moana and the Frozen films (which I all unabashedly love), I trust Disney Animation to instil this with plenty of colour and verve.

9. I’m Thinking of Ending Things (dir. Charlie Kaufman)

Plot: An unexpected detour turns a couple’s road trip into a terrifying journey through their fragile psyches.

Why be excited? Directed by Charlie Kaufman (writer of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), I’m Thinking of Ending Things is based on a prize-winning novel. However, despite the pedigree the main reason I’m looking forward to this is Jessie Buckley. Buckley gave a star-making performance in Beast a few years ago, and has since proven herself an actor of immense talent and skill (see Wild Rose for proof of what a powerhouse she is). I’m excited to see her career continue to go from strength to strength, and I’m Thinking of Ending Things seems poised to be a great showcase for her.

10. The Last Duel (dir. Ridley Scott)

Plot: King Charles VI declares that Knight Jean de Carrouges (Matt Damon) settle his dispute with his squire (Adam Driver) by challenging him to a duel.

Why be excited? Ridley Scott is a bit of a mixed bag for me, and has never come close to reaching the heights of Alien and Blade Runner with his recent work. Nonetheless, against my better judgement I can’t help but be excited by the prospect of a medieval epic with Scott at the helm. The acting talent attached to The Last Duel is top-notch, and I’m particularly fond of Jodie Comer (of Killing Eve fame) and Adam Driver (do you really need me to say more?). There’s a very real danger of the highly sensitive plot (the ‘dispute’ at the heart of the story concerns an accusation of rape, the truth of which is to be determined with a duel) being mishandled by Scott, but the involvement of screenwriter Nicole Holofcener gives me some hope. This could turn out to be a misfire, but my hope is that it will, at the very least, be interesting.