#I have reached out to my uni for help but their law help works FOR my apartment complex so ill have to pay it but on GOD

[suncaptor]

I am a bitch (just accused my apartment complex of being predatory and unethical for denying me several kinds of renter's rights and charging me hundreds of dollars unfairly while I'm still living there)

[riewritten]

in my head nothing absolutely bad happens in monster anime and they’re actually triplets in a family sitcom somewhere

more headcanons under the cut ✂️

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

༘⋆ FOR CONTEXT

no child experiments. no kinderheim 511. their birth sequence would be Johan first, Anna second, and Nina the youngest. it doesn't actually materialize that much in their dynamics (given they're triplets) except that these two oldest are oooooover overprotective of nina. mama vera was forced to labor the three of them prematurely out of stress upon receiving the news of her husband's death. her brother-in-law, klaus poppe, who had helped vera with the kids after the hubby's death, tried to pursue her not long after. and not only that, klaus also tried to lure anna into this silly lil experiment about children which he claimed was for 'work' at the red rose mansion all the while their mother was out. vera almost killed the man when baby johan exposed him while crying. this event led vera to cut ties with the poppe family and valiantly raised her triplets on her own. vera wasn't able to squeeze any info out of anna (on what poppe had done to her specifically while she was out). worried that she might be traumatized, vera got her into therapy. in the end, only johan and anna knew of it, and whatever happened sure left wounds deep inside anna's heart.

SO, that said!

-ˋˏ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ ANNA

would be sooooo villanelle-coded (minus the psychopathy of course). like she is the Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss but at the same time she could also be the Female Rage™️. i am absolutely whipped at the thought that she'd have a complicated relationship with johan despite being inseparable during childhood because she's astute enough to know the real him, without filter whatsoever, and she could notice things the naive nina couldn't. no, johan didn't have to be a murderer in this universe for anna to hate him, he just got The Attitude that anna despises. it's jus the typical sibling fight though no worries. it's like there's this modern family-esque interview segments of them talking shit about each other every episode (little do they know, if a war ever breaks, they would absolutely sacrifice themselves to save each other — of course after ensuring their youngest sister's safety first and foremost).

in @suusoh 's head which i claim to be the same as mine because susu is rie and rie is susu, anna is as queer as she could be. and, in my silly lil daydreams, she actually labeled herself queer for clout bc she wanna rebel against societal standards only for it to end up the truest thing she had ever said about herself years later. on top of that, she actually envies her twin brother for having a dick like oh my god girl what the hell is wrong with you. ironically, she tends to be an absolute man-hater sometimes (depends on her mood). she could be a little impulsive, too, especially when she reached the rebellious age. boyfriends here, girlfriends there, and out of curiosity she even tried polygamy that's absolutely not her thing but she did anyway to annoy her conservative christian stepfather.

there's this only moment anna had accepted johan's attitude, remorsefully so, and thats when some girl tried to maul nina at uni (thank god she's good at judo) after mistaking her as anna ㅜㅜ this stranger apparently had her boyfriend stolen by anna during one of her impulsive moments (jesus christ). nina assured them it was all good after anna cried. but johan was absolutely pissed, and anna had a hard time forgiving herself for putting her loveliest babiest angel of a sister in danger bc of her shenanigans.

-ˋˏ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ JOHAN

who is he, indeed, if red rose mansion wasn't that traumatic and kinderheim 511 never existed ? it's also hard to imagine for me, tbh, it's just that i think he'd be a chill lil guy who lives in his own head. nina has a hard time managing countless of confessions from different people in the campus—you see, anna is too wild to approach, johan is too absent-minded to care, and nina is the most amicable of them three. when nina opens her locker she'd expect a bunch of love letters addressed to three people: anna, johan, and then herself. majority of them is addressed to johan, tho.

if anna takes pride in her beauty and charisma while nina takes pride in her congeniality and physical prowess, johan keeps up with his brains. he is constantly the school's top one. he gets sent to other campuses for academic competitions. and back in highschool, a faculty even offered vera to have him accelerated due to his intelligence. johan denied the opportunity because he likes the fact that he's on the same grade level as his twin sisters. they have this sort of bonding where they do homeworks together as soon as they reach home. how would he do that if he's accelerated to a higher grade level? who would help nina manage anna's wild tendencies at school? who would help anna keep up with her acads if nina's too busy with her extracurricular activities?

vera is quite concerned johan is having a hard time connecting with people, but little does she know, her lil boy just doesn't want to. socializing is a chore the same way studying is. unless he has an ulterior motive, he chooses to stay at the corner with his books (boo. bummer. a nerd.)

-ˋˏ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ NINA

is their cute lil baby! she's everyone's favorite. i think her personality in canon monster (before her 20th bday) is pretty much the same in this one, except that it's more chaotic in her house because she has two sibs trying to kill each other here and there. if not for her extracurricular activities and side jobs (which johan and anna tirelessly demanded her to quit so she could have a rest, only to no avail because nina is the angel who wants to help), i think her academic excellence would be in par with johan's. she also has a lot of friends—that's the reason why johan and anna are protective of her. she could indeed defend herself physically, but she's too kind and naive for her own good it annoys the two. if someone makes her cry, they doubt nina would even put them in their place physically or emotionally because she is just that kind—that's when johan and anna enters behind her back. they could be sneaky little vengeful devils if need be for nina. maybe they got it from uncle klaus.

-ˋˏ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ ☆ ༘⋆

cutting this before it gets longer lol. thank u for reading! i hope you enjoyed this as much as i did lmao. i had sooo much fan imagining and drawing them this way 🤭

[undertale-fic-librarby]

Hi do you have anymore swapfell sans x reader?I don’t mind if it’s a one shot or multi chapter.Fluff preferably smut is acceptable no angst please.

Howdy, thanks for asking! Here are some fics that might fit what you're looking for!

WeirdTober 2020 (Because My Therapist Seems To Think Writing is Good For Me) by PineconeTrinklebriar (Teen And Up, Complete)

Your love of the macabre has served you well for most of your life. Well, maybe ‘served you well’ was a strong statement, but it had landed you a rewarding job that you got to work side-by-side with the love of your life, your best friend, and your other best friend, so you weren’t about to start complaining now. Sure, it made for a tough middle school experience, back when people were still burning witches, but you survived and had very few physical scars to show for it.

Black as Pitch by YinYanChan (Mature, Incomplete)

During a time that bitties have been bred with even human killing abilities in illegal kennels for bitty fights. Bitties are still not considered people or even regular monsters...just things or pets in the eyes of the law. One night you managed to save the life of a helpless edgy bitty from a blackberry bitty named Pitch and his gang. By saving the poor Edgy and finding out just how many problems he had to cause him to be in such a situation to begin with led you to the life you have now. You've become a licensed bitty therapist in hopes of reaching out to the abused, the neglected, and street worn bitties and giving them a chance at a better life. With your supportive and loving edgy bitty by your side years later down the road you should have know that eventually the past would come back to claim you after all your life no longer belongs to you.

Play with Me by grimrester (Explicit, Incomplete)

When you decide to pursue your childhood dream of running an arcade, the developing monster city at the top of Mount Ebott seems like an obvious choice to set up shop. The community is growing quickly, you'd have very little competition, and commercial renting space is dirt cheap. The only problem is you've never run a business by yourself before, and you're not very good with numbers. When you find a monster accountant advertising his services online, you jump at the chance to work with him. The skeleton seems formal, professional, and detached, which is just fine by you. Who needs the distractions of friendships and relationships when you've got a business to run?

Skeletons Like Honey Buns by YinYanChan (Not Rated, Incomplete)

Monsters have always lived on the surface. Just not with humans. Keeping to themselves and living up the hype they are dangerous and wild creatures. Sans and Papyrus are just as guilty. Yet both have been intrigued on how humans have grown... they know better than getting mixed up too much with humans... however... they end up crossing a line and getting severely injured. As a last ditch effort to get away, Rus shortcuts him and his brother away from the aftermath. So wounded they almost end up feral and eating out of a nearby house's trash to try and heal... enter Amelia, your kind hearted daughter, to find it's not trash pandas but spooky scary skeletons... and instead of running to you... she offers them a honey bun.

Nox X Reader Oneshot: Ducks, Glue Sticks, and Sleep Deprivation by Chance36 (Mature, Complete)

Nox helps the reader with their uni assignments. Nox belongs to @bonelyheartsclub and @owl-bones.

[lilacwhimss]

CAREERS LEGACY CHALLENGE — A STORY BASED LEGACY

hello! this is my new legacy challenge based off of sims 4 careers!!! it started with me creating a new save and needing a place to organize my ideas, and it became this 10 generations legacy! this has a lot of room for storytelling and developing your own stories, but it also has gameplay focused rules! your sims all have some background detailing for you to comprehend why they want to follow that career! i hope you all enjoy this! if you give it a chance, post and tag me! i also have more generations being planned, but they’ll be extra gens ;)

GENERAL RULES + GUIDELINES:

all required rules have to be completed before moving to the next gen

rules that have a * are optional!

a few cheats are allowed, but try not to overuse them. only in gen. 1, you’ll be allowed to use freerealestate, bb.enablefreebuild, money cheats and university cheats. for the rest of the gens, you can use cas.fulleditmode for other sims, live edit/debug cheats for decorating your house and you can use UI cheats if your game broke to complete aspiration milestones

you must join the careers from each generation, and you also have to reach level 10 of them, even if it requires extra skills (i think this is kinda implied)

i tried my best to make this mod-free, but gen 3 has a modded aspiration. i did give an unmodded alternative, though!

mods and cc are super incentivized!!!

i split the rules into main rules and plot rules. the plot rules are fully optional, but it'll give you some background for your generations!

colors are also optional! i just enjoy playing with them.

PACKS REQUIRED:

EP: all of them (up to For Rent) but Eco Lifestyle and Get to Work.

GP: Spa day, Dine out, Realm of Magic, Outdoor Retreat

SP: Paranormal, Crystal creations, Tiny living, Nifty knitting, Backyard

— 🪻

let's get started!

gen 1: law (judge).

colors: orange & green

—

since you were a kid, you strived for the best. you lived with your mother and her spouse, no sight of your dad. growing up, you had a fiery personality, which lead you to make a single friend in your entire life. you always wanted to be the best at everything, and help people get justice. you discovered that doing yoga kept you in check. all was going well: you were going to the university you always wanted, opening the path to your dream along with your best friend, until they died. how will you navigate life now?

TRAITS & ASPIRATION:

overachiever, hot headed, generous

academic

MAIN RULES:

max research & debate skill

max wellness skill

max a third skill of your choice

always take one elective that has nothing in common with your major

you have to major in history

you must live in a student dorm in your first term.

PLOT RULES:

have only a single friend prior to joining uni (you can cheat this if you want to start the gen as a young adult)

that friend has to die (be creative!)

create a club with your roommates and go out every week*

marry someone that goes to the rival university

have at least one kid and a max. of 3 kids

have a close family dynamic with everyone initially

at some point during the heir’s teen years, modify the family relationship to difficult, but only with the heir. this is important for the next gen.

gen 2: restaurant owner.

colors: pink & purple

—

you definitely had a white picket life growing up, with dancing and cooking being your favorite family activities. your parents were amazing, kind and caring — until you said that you wouldn't attend university. your relationship with them strained, so as soon as you aged, you packed up and moved to Mt. Komorebi with the last savings you had. you had enough to buy/rent a place, but was that enough to get to your dream of opening a restaurant? how will you get money? and, most importantly: how will you deal with your parents?

TRAITS & ASPIRATION:

foodie, dance machine, loner.

master chef

MAIN RULES:

max cooking skill

max dancing skill

max skiing skill*

must move out as soon as your sim ages up to a young adult

work as a babysitter in your teen years to get money

gain at least 4 stars on your restaurant

PLOT RULES:

don't attend uni

when you move out, become a part time barista until you get enough money to buy a restaurant (i recommend building it beforehand to see how much you’ll need to get)

marry an adventurous sim

see your parents once a year

have only one kid and have the supportive family dynamic with them as they grow up.

gen 3: paranormal investigator

colors: black & white

—

you were a lonely kid growing up in the snowy mountains. no siblings, no friends, just you and snowboarding. you always felt like something was watching over you. your parents always supported you, even when you chose to move out and follow what your grandparents wished for. you rented out a place, and weird things started happening around. will you find out what's going on?

TRAITS:

genius, geek and unflirty.

renaissance sim (no mods)/ paranormal proficiency (mod)

MAIN RULES:

max medium skill

max snowboarding skill

must attend uni (you choose the major)

must live in a haunted house lo throughout your life

befriend bonehilda

no kid limit

PLOT RULES

join/create a ghost hunters club

marry someone who is also a freelance paranormal investigator

always own a cat and a dog

gain the coffee fanatic and the close knit lifestyle

successfully plead for someone's life at least once*

gen 4: conservationist (marine biologist)

colors: blue & yellow

—

your parents always told you supernatural stories, entertaining you with possibilities of hidden things all over this world, ranging from ghosts to werewolves. mermaids were always the ones that marveled you, and made you want to learn more. your parents never denied the existence of all of those things — but they never confirmed it either. you decide to settle that yourself, and there's only one way to approach it: by moving to sulani. you buy a small home by the beach, get a job and start researching. one day, you come across some weird type of kelp. what will you do with it?

TRAITS & ASPIRATION:

child of the ocean, ambitious, loves the outdoors

beach life

MAIN RULES:

max fishing skill

max herbalism skill*

max gardening skill

complete the fish collection (if you don't have all packs, it's fine. complete the collection with the packs you own)

also complete the seashell collection

become a mermaid

explore everything in sulani

live on a lot with the volcano activity challenge

PLOT RULES:

always participate in the island festivals

live on a tiny home in a beach lot (that has an ocean part)

marry a human

only have one kid and they must be human (cheat your way into not raising a mermaid)

gain the outdoorsy lifestyle

live on a lot with the simple living challenge*

gen 5: stylist (style influencer)

colors: white & brown (or clean girl-esque colors)

—

you grew up by the beach, always in contact with all sorts of people with different clothing styles that always made you want to learn more about them. you remember going on a trip with your grandparents to a bigger city once, and you were amazed by the hustle and bustle, the different people. you knew you wanted to live there, but you also didn't want to leave sulani behind. will you leave, or will you stay?

TRAITS & ASPIRATION:

loyal, high maintenance and dog lover

friend of the world

MAIN RULES:

max charisma skill

max fitness skill

max wellness skill*

join the stylist branch in the style influencer career

sell at least 5 outfits on trendi

PLOT RULES:

marry a non-committal sim

move to san sequoia, but visit sulani every weekend

have at least two kids with that sim

always own a dog

gain the close knit + frequent traveler lifestyle

divorce your spouse after the second kid

marry your best friend

gen 6: farmer + horse racer

colors: orange & teal

—

you knew your parent loved the city, but that life just wasn't for you. your dad didn't see you a lot — and you knew he never wanted to have you. inspired by your grandparents gardening lessons, you decide to live the city behind and move to the countryside. your parent is disappointed, wanting to be with you for everything in your life, but your step parent supports you a lot. initially, you only planned on living your life, raising plants and chickens. but you stumble upon a horse, and you bond with it. will you adopt it?

TRAITS & ASPIRATION:

animal enthusiast, self assured and neat

country caretaker

MAIN RULES:

max horse riding skill

max gardening skill

max all your horse’s skills

get at least to level 3 of knitting skill

move to Henford-on-Bagley

win the ultimate horse championship

PLOT RULES:

have at least three chickens, one cow, three bunnies, one mini goat and one mini sheep

complete at least one help needed quest from the townies every week

win at least once in every fair (crops, chickens, etc)

live on a lot with the simple living challenge

name all of your animals after food

gain the adrenaline seeker lifestyle

have max friendship with all of your animals*

marry another horse champion (rivals to lovers would be a good option)

have at least two kids

gen 7: acting

colors: black & red

—

you loved watching movies and soap operas in that old, grainy TV your parents had on their farm. you knew you wanted to participate in those, and you yearned for that type of attention. you auditioned a lot as a kid, but would always get rejected, until you eventually found out they ruled you out because you were a bumpkin. angry, you moved away from henford-on-bagley all the way to Del Sol Valley. you decided you needed a fresh start, away from your roots. but will you manage to completely avoid them?

TRAITS & ASPIRATION:

squeamish, ambitious, good

world famous celebrity

MAIN RULES:

max acting skill

max singing skill*

max media production skill

reach pristine reputation

become a global superstar

get ( at least) to the following perks: established name, star treatment, fan favorite and lifestyle brand

PLOT RULES:

gain the health food nut and the frequent traveler lifestyle

move to del sol valley as a teen and live there your entire life

marry another celebrity

have only one child

host charity events at least once a season

you can fall down to a neutral reputation if you decide to get your sim to come clean about their identity

gen 8: jeweler

colors: blue & purple

—

your parents were celebrities, so you were constantly put into the spotlight. you just wanted to read and daydream about crystals and jewels. you constantly had to run away from paparazzi, and you made it to the news by fighting them publicly. that got your parents very angry, and they sent you away to live with your grandparents in henford-on-bagley. you make a lot of animal friends there, and widely explore the world, searching for crystals and metals. one day, someone offers you a getaway from all of the human world: the magic realm. you accept it, but you must return to del sol valley and tell your parents. how will you do it?

TRAITS & ASPIRATION:

creative, perfectionist and outgoing

crystal crafter

MAIN RULES:

max gemology skill

max a second skill of your choice

become a spellcaster

reach rank 6 - virtuoso

learn all spells and potions

get at least 12 perks, and the insightful eye trait is required

complete the crystals and metals collections (if you don't have all packs, it's fine. complete the collection with the packs you own)

PLOT RULES:

befriend all sages

give all sims their respective jewelry pieces (ie: the mystical ring for morgyn ember, the mystical bracelet for the charm family and judith ward’s bling necklace)

craft every jewelry piece + all crystals (with only one type of crystal/metal each i’m not that cruel)

own at least one crystal tree

make at least one piece of jewelry with jet

marry a human OR perform the rite of dissolution after reaching rank 6

have more than one kid, but the heir must be human

gen 9: landlord

colors: yellow & green

—

you had weird books lying around your house, written in a language you couldn’t understand. your parents never cared to explain why, and you never really asked. you had no idea what you wanted to do in life — you just knew you wanted to be rich. after a quick research, you decided to be a landlord. yes, everyone hated landlords, but you just wanted money. when you told that to your parents, they gave you a harsh stare, but said nothing. your grandparents congratulated you, though. so, after a quick business class, you buy your first property. now you just have to… do everything. renew it. you realize it isn’t going to be that easy, and you’re too prideful to ask for money. will you give up, or will you start from the bottom?

TRAITS & ASPIRATION:

materialistic, self assured and ambitious

five star property owner

MAIN RULES:

max photography skill

max mischief skill

max a third skill of your choice

complete the tassels and the marbles collection

own at least one rental property your home world and one in another world

PLOT RULES:

live in brindleton bay

start from the bottom with your rental, but you have to get to a five star rating

marry one of your tenants

host a potluck every weekend and a pool party every summer

have a good relationship with all of your tenants but have a bad relationship with your parents

gain the people person and the energetic lifestyle

you must have twins and let the wheel decide which one will be the heir

hold a grudge against one of your parents

gen 10: veterinarian

colors: pink & white

—

you grew up by the water, surrounded by stray animals you always desperately wanted to have. your parents never allowed you to, leaving you to care for them in secret, spending your pocket money on food for them. you always nurtured this love and compassion for animals, wishing to help them all. you go into university, looking for a biology degree to follow your dream of becoming a vet. your parents don't really care about what you do, as long as you bring money to the table. so what will they say once you state that you'll be opening a vet clinic by yourself?

TRAITS & ASPIRATION:

generous, proper and socially awkward

friend of the animals

MAIN RULES:

max veterinarian skill

max pet training skill

buy and/or renew a vet clinic

get a 5 star clinic rating

always own at least one dog after becoming a young adult

you have to attend university and major in biology

complete the feathers collection

PLOT RULES:

marry one of your clients that has a cat

always feed the birds

have max friendship with at least 5 cats and 5 dogs

never choose mean interactions with pets

join/create a pet lover’s club with weekly meetings in your house

have at least two top tier employees

your vet clinic can be in any world, but you must live there

go camping at least twice in your life

[divinadeath]

wait till you hear about this next nominee: byun junho, born on the 15th of february, 1997 and bears a striking resemblance to cha eunwoo. they’re a first year bachelor of law student and started a charitable foundation focused on providing educational resources for underprivileged kids — impressed yet? rumor has it they’re hoping to be the ceo of his family's motel chain, but personally, i think they should aim a little higher — something like the king’s club, for one. now, that suits them a little more, don’t you think? guess we’ll just have to see if they’ve got the talent for it in our upcoming recruitment round. 

hello, guys! i'm tina (23, she/her) and i'm really looking forward to writing with you all! my mind is a little… feverish right now since i'm kinda sick, but i'll try to make sense here. if you want to plot something for our muses, hmu or like this, and i'll be in your dms. more about my angsty boy junho can be found under the read more.

UNTIL 2016

coming from a new money family, junho never took anything he had for granted. as a kid, he was always seen as kind and loved by all his family's employees for being so down to earth.

he always had this dream of helping people with his family's money since the whole lavish lifestyle never really suited him (even though his parents protested). you'd often see him giving away his toys and clothes to random kids he met.

even though he was passionate about it, his parents never took it seriously. to them, it was just a silly kid's dream, and they figured he'd eventually forget about it and start hanging out with more influential people.

that actually happened when they enrolled him in a prestigious school, and junho quickly realized he could be much more helpful if he was on the good side of these kids' families.

he started to dress and talk more like them, but deep down, he knew that even with his best efforts, he could never be like them since his family and their scandalous empire were never taken seriously.

sometime around high school, he decided to focus on other things instead, like becoming an exemplary student and giving another shot at trying to help people with a charity he planned himself and that was enough to him to ended up in snu.

being recruited for the club wasn't something he expected; it caught him by surprise. but all that determination and hunger for acceptance came rushing back, and he started giving his best to get in—even though he knew beating hyungseo would be almost impossible.

then the impossible happened—hyungseo died. he was actually happy that the competition was gone, and he could finally enjoy being part of something important.

UNTIL 2024

during his time in uni, he made good use of his connections, using them to distance himself from his family's brand and build a career of his own in law.

by the time he graduated, he had the best opportunities laid out for him and started working at one of the biggest law firms in the country, using the silent power of the club to reach even higher.

he was almost certain he could just take the money from the family, build a respectable legacy, and live among the other wealthy without being looked down.

but then, of course, his dad had to ruin everything and died… leaving junho very mad about it and with a legacy he wasn’t looking for.

now he was trapped again by his family name and the chain he hated so much, this time with no escape route since all the money came from it.

he doesn’t really know how to run a business and is struggling a lot with it, which adds insult to injury. but again, he’s determined to make good use of it and maybe a rebrand in the future so people forget about his father legacy.

PERSONALITY

junho is incredibly driven, always pushing himself to prove he’s more than just his family’s reputation. he genuinely cares about others and wants to make a difference, even though this is kinda forgotten in him. he feels a lot of pressure to fit into the elite world.

he often struggles with self-doubt and frustration, especially when balancing his values with what’s expected of him.

despite the challenges—like managing his family’s business and climbing the social ladder—he stays resilient and adaptable. junho is smart and strategic, using his connections and opportunities to his advantage.

although he’s constantly seeking approval and dealing with insecurities, his charm and natural charisma help him build influential relationships.

ambitious as ever, junho is determined to surpass his family’s success and leave his own mark.

glimpses of his conflicted self are hard for others to see, but they're there. somewhere inside, he’s still that kid who just wanted to be a good guy, but it’s hard now when he’s trying not to be a joke.

CONNECTIONS

i don't have anything in particular and would love to brainstorm something unique for our muses, or maybe fit in some connection you already have in mind!

[emimayooo]

Emi in Japan (2024) – Day 2/Day 3

(Link to Day 1, which was my first entry.)

Hey guys,

Gosh but I’ve been so busy! There’s so much to do for such a little town. Then again, I do have a lot of connections here😁

On Day 2, I went to the local 7/11 to buy brekkie…but also to say hi to the cuuuuutest dog who chills there every morning😍❤️. I’m friends with the owner’s family so I easily found out her name, which is Tasha. She looks like a border collie but I think she’s just a mutt🤔

Anyway! I met her on Day 1 when I arrived and just about fell in love. She’s so sweet and absolutely loooves belly rubs. I couldn’t wait to see her after that, but when I did go again, she was already being pet by other customers…a heartbreaker, that one is😔💔

For lunch, I visited I-san (not her real name), who is an old lady I befriended in 2022 when I was living here as my grandpa’s caretaker. She had a cat named Nyanko-sensei, who saw me reading in the next door park, and ran to my side for pets😍❤️

Unfortunately, Nyanko-sensei passed away last year after a long battle with mouth cancer😢. I-san has been sad ever since because she raised him from when he was small enough to fit in her palm. He was her baby. When we reunited, she hugged me and cried and thanked me for the photos of Nyanko-sensei I sent her earlier in the year. I also saw her calendar, which had my name written on it😭❤️. How sweet.

I-san was busy cleaning her place, so I went to have lunch without her at the local restaurant, run by a former English teacher, his wife and mother-in-law. I first went here in 2019 and have frequented this place every time I come back. The English teacher always loves it when I visit because he loves to practice his English. His wife was my mum’s classmate in primary school. Small town and all that.

Anyway, I had the tonkatsu set. Soooo yummy!

Afterwards, I visited I-san again. We had tea and ice cream together as I listened to her talk about Nyanko-sensei and life. She cried multiple times when talking about Nyanko-sensei, it broke my heart. Told me how she holds his urn every night and talks to him and cries😢💔

But she shared some good times about him too and we had a lot of laughs. Sometime soon, she’s going to let me wear her kimono that she wore for her coming of age, which was 64 years ago😱! I’ve never worn a kimono before, only yukata, so I’m very excited and honoured🥰❤️

For dinner, two of my mum’s friends came over…AND TWO DOGS, JILL AND TOM😍❤️❤️❤️

They’re both toy poodles. Jill is 9 years old. Tom is four months and they’ve only had him for three weeks. Jill, old lady that she is, cannot stand Tom’s puppy energy lol. But they were both absolute daaaarlings during dinner🥰❤️! For some reason, Jill really went to town on cherry tomatoes and shaved daikon lol. Granny likes her veggies!

Now, onto day 3, which is today!

For breakfast, I had potato chips lol. Afterwards, I went to 7/11 to print photos of Nyanko-sensei for I-san and stared longingly at Tasha as two high school boys rubbed her belly instead of me. Then I went to pick up I-san for lunch. She was all dressed up! Adorable. She said my messy bun would be perfect for when I wore the kimono lmao.

We had lunch at the same place I went on Day 2, since it's only a few minutes walk away and she goes there multiple times a week anyway. I gave her the photos and she was absolutely delighted. While we ate, she talked a lot of nature, and was joyful at the sight of the butterflies working hard to help the plants grow. She hopes her cucumbers will grow soon.

Afterwards, I went home because I had to work on uni stuff, blergh. I sprinted with my friends of the FAW Server who helped me get through it. Even when my American friends went to bed, I kept going. I called it a day when it reached 8pm. Btw, I started at like 12:30 lol which is pretty crazy even for me.

I did have dinner in between, though. My mum prepared me the leftover curry from Day 1 and also made some wonton soup. It was very yum. Then we chatted away until it was bedtime. It's been nice spending time with my mum like this, especially since our relationship has deteriorated as I've gotten older. I hope we have more times like this.

I'm so excited for tomorrow! I'm going to meet a fandom friend in Tokyo. This'll be my second time meeting a fandom friend IRL, since @runetari was my first. Tari and I became friends in 2020 during my Sylvgrid era, and we finally got to meet in April this year. It was so, so fun. I hope I have just as a great time hanging out with my second fandom friend as I did with Tari.

That's all from me today. I hope you enjoyed reading my journal🥰❤️

With love,

Emi xoxo

[amethystwrytes]

About Me/M. List

💜Amethyst is the name. (She/Her)

💜Playing it cool since 1989

💜I love about a billion different kinds of music, but this blog honestly is just a KPop worship station for me. You’ll see a lot of BTS, like A LOT, but also plenty more groups mixed in the stew.

💜I don’t like interacting with minors. I can’t stop them from finding and consuming my content, it’s the internet and it is what it is BUT I really don’t need nor do I want to know that they’re all up in my biz. So all I ask is that if you’re under 18, please don’t interact ✌🏼🫶🏼

💜I don’t plagiarize material and am very much not a fan. Every story listed below is mine, from my silly little brain, and I need you to respect that. Intellectual property is a thing, so please do not copy, repost, or translate my stories (as if you’d want to tbh🤭) as your own or without explicit permission. And honestly just don’t do it to anyone, because eventually someone will realize and then the internet will just tear your ass up and nobody wants that. Ick.

💜Despite those last two bullet points I’m actually really chill. I love to chat about pretty much anything but I am pretty introverted until I feel comfortable with someone, then it’s hard to shut me up 😂. So if we’re moots and you’re wondering why I’ve never reached out - it’s probably because I’m scared of you and think I’ll annoy you to no end. Maybe I’m not that chill actually 🤔😂😂😂

💜Requests? You can send them to me at any time, but I can’t promise I’ll write it. Still, it’s fun to read and create scenarios with one another so feel free to hash it out in my ask box or through DMs!!

💜Need a Beta Reader? Hi🙋🏻‍♀️ I’d be more than happy to read through and try and help you. Not to toot my own horn but I do have a dusty lil English Degree in a box somewhere and I used to work in the uni library and help edit term papers 💅 DM me anytime for help.

💜When I write random things that are on my mind, personal, non KPop or dessert related I use the tag “amethoughts” - if you have no interest in those thoughts then you can block that tag if you’d like to.

Masterlist

1. “If I Had Asked” — Jungkook x Gender Neutral Reader. Summary: Jungkook wants to catch up at a mutual friends birthday party. Genre: Romantic. Hurt. Comfort. Fluff. Exes to lovers. Oneshot. Rating: E for everyone babe. There’s some alcohol and marijuana but I mean, nothing weird or crazy happens.

2. “Hard to Handle” — Jungkook x Female Reader. Summary: You’re starting to want a little more from your FWB buddy. Genre: Romance. Smut. F2L. Oneshot. Rating: 18+.

3. “Imaginary Games” — Taehyung x Female Reader. Summary: The only thing that could make a destination wedding - in which you're the maid of honor, who has to give a speech in front of a crowd, who has to wear a dress that cost you a pretty penny that you'll never wear again - worse is the fact that your cheating ex is the best man. Genre: Romantic, Smut, Exes to Lovers, Smidge of Hurt. Oneshot. Rating 18+.

1. “Of Course, Professor” — Minho x Female Reader. Summary: The law professor everyone is scared of generously offers to help you with your school work. Genre: Smut. Romantic-ish. Basically just porn with a hint of plot tossed in. Oneshot. Rating 18+. [Bonus Drabble. Also 18+.]

[orange-orchard-system]

I do enjoy being able to make a difference in people's lives, whether that's helping them with a big discovery, reassuring them that they're not the only ones with a particular experience, sharing a tip they find helpful, or just letting them know that, hey, plurality exists! Here are some basic terms for it! Here is how it applies to what you were talking about and why I think you might like to know about it! ... All of that fills me with pride.

But... sometimes I really hate that being myself like this is a radical act. That a lot of the work I do is really nothing more than unabashedly being myself for others to see, and the implications that has on how little plurality is known, how unsure and afraid so many of us are, how many misconceptions and assumptions are made about being more-than-one. That who I am is something I have to educate others on, something I have to be cautious about opening up to others about, and not something I can just casually mention. I'm happy that people can learn about plurality and themselves through my actions, but... it's bittersweet, because it reminds me of how unknown we are; that we have a long way to go in terms of awareness and acceptance of even the most clear-cut, well-known, easy-to-understand presentations of plurality.

I'm not new to this conundrum. Long before we started working with the plural community, we've been hanging out in queer communities, especially aspec communities. If I had a cupcake for every time I heard a "bringing out the PowerPoint to explain my sexuality/gender identity" joke, I'd have enough cupcakes to fill up the entire dessert table at a potluck, and probably have some spill over the edges onto the floor.

It's just... sometimes I fantasize about laws for plural rights and protections being passed. The work it will take to reach that point* is so daunting, and while I am hopeful about reaching it in my lifetime, it doesn't change that I am currently a tired uni student who is still trying to figure out what to do with my career. I am writing analyses on medical texts that mention DID in-between my assignments for class. I am posting jokes about my system when my fatigue leaves me lying at the top of the stairs, unable to do anything but scroll on my phone. There is so, so much to do and I am so, so limited in what I can do.

* to me, this point in plural activism and progress is half symbolic and half a literal goal I hope we achieve together. Symbolic, because at that point, we will have made such significant strides in awareness in acceptance that even politicians and government authorities cannot ignore us any longer. Literal, because pluralphobia and its parent bigotries are still serious problems, and I'd like to hope legal protection would improve at least some systems' lives.

My system is so important to me. I don't hate them. But sometimes I hate that the world is at odds with us. Sometimes I hate that I can't just be.

[I'm not giving up any of the work I'm currently doing, if that was a concern any of you had while reading this. I've just been thinking about how] the plural community is one that never really feels quiet in the way other communities I've been in feel quiet. There's always this underlying feeling, this go-go-go attitude, this sense that one of the main reasons we stick together is because no one else gets it, and we're constantly fighting against the tide for a moment to breathe. We're not constantly drowning – I see many stories of acceptance and support out there. But we're a community very aware of the water snapping at our heels, I'd say.

Goodness, I love the work we are all doing. I love each and every story of success. But sometimes I wish we could all have a quiet night in.

[sunnyupsidedown]

Thoughts On: The Sunshine Court

by Nora Sakavic [goodreads]

Aka, if I didn't put myself on a social media blackout, these would have been my live tweets. Spoilers below.

Gosh. What if Jeremy starts to hate Kevin for not doing 'enough' to help Jean. That’d probably hurt him so bad lmao Though I don't really thing Jeremy gives off those vibes. He's too sunny.

Also, now I’m thinking of Jeremy being a very normal kid with a normal background completely unprepared to help someone with absolutely massive amounts of trauma. Like. This kid being like, look at my normal jock life and then suddenly is exposed to the dark underbelly of organized crime.

Like. With Andrew and Neil, Neil was already familiar and Andrew at least is familiar with how bad law enforcement is so it’s all a non-issue. Jeremy though… what’s his story???

Jean over here probably texting with T9 on a flip phone

Which fox uses T9, which one taps the number until it gets to the letter they want, and which one has a phone with a keyboard?

Have I mentioned that I love Renee? I feel like she’s often seen as an uwu good girl Christian. But like. She’s so badass. I think she said it herself that she’s a bad person doing her best to be good and you really get that with the “smile that doesn’t reach her eyes”. Fucking love her.

Okay the uni president thing is actually kind of funny. Because I work in an athletic department and it reminds me of when the president requested access to the team practice schedules so I was in charge of setting up an account in our messaging app with the instructions to grant him access but with absolutely no power to do anything else

Do you think Renee will put "Destabilized Evermore leading to its eventual downfall" on her resume when she applies to the Peace Corps? I know this is not how it works but....

We’re going to see the reaction to Riko’s death from Jean’s POV!!! I wrote a ficlet about this!! It’s gonna be so cool to see what really happens!!

Wtf Jean’s 19?!?!

I'm saying this like everything that happened to him wouldn't have been just as horrifying if he were Kevin's age. But like. WTF??? He's Neil's age!!

LMAO everyone wants to choke Kevin out

“You were injured in a scrimmage” DAMN. I did not expect that from Abby. She's so done with Jean's evasions

I was being kind of mean to Kevin earlier and now I’m going to cry. He was just doing his best too :( what can you do when you’ve been raised in the system?

Kevin, Neil, and Jean are in the idiot exy trio

It’s so fascinating to know that this was the version where Jean lived because you can see the parts where his life could have ended. Like if Abby left the pills. If Jean made it back to Evermore. If Wymack didn’t threaten Tetsuji.

The way that they’re (Neil is) playing 5D exy mafia chess is so extra 😭

Everyone really looking to Neil for their courage. Neil was brave so I can be brave (or at least follow him). What would Neil do?

Do you think the other exy coaches know exy was built on blood? Or at least that Evermore was?

Jean and Kevin in the corner at the party full of Ravens: They don’t know the extent of Riko’s violence

I’m starting to realize that Jean is a lover... [Redacted: This is getting it's own post because I have feelings about this.]

JEREMY!! HELLO!! I DON'T KNOW YOU. ARE YOU DEPRESSING TOO?

Jeremy is so normal. This is going to be so good. He’s literally going to be like “why did you say it like that? You know that’s fucked up right?” Call it like it is my dude!!

How the hell did they get the seniors on board with a smaller line up? They’re giving up a chance at a championship run... Ah.

Oh. He’s rich?? Jeremy is rich? With a butler? Is he secretly going to be tied to the west coast mafia? And taking Jean on will create a bond between east and west?

OH HE’S POLITICIAN RICH. Damn. You know there's blood money somewhere

Are you telling me that the sunshine court is a nickname between Kevin and Jean (and maybe some others? I don't remember if it was ever mentioned in the other books) for USC? And it’s typically called the Gold Court? Cause if so, they’re soooo starved

Do you think Jean knows (or remembers) how to use money? Since he’s been locked up in the Nest for so long? How many social norms has he forgotten? How awkward is he going to be relearning them?

Oh god. Jean found out from Jeremy! Holy shit I was not expecting that. Damn. Also. He's alone :(

Renee and Jean 😭

I’m so glad they talked about redshirting. I was SO confused why they could go five years when the rule is 5 years to compete 4 seasons.

Radiology equipment in their exy stadium?? Man I forget how rich some schools are

Watch Jean break out in hives the moment he gets on clothes that are outside the monochrome color scheme

Oooo Jeremy, show me your spine. I want to see him mad. I want to see him lose control.

And then I forgot I was taking notes because I was too absorbed. When is the next book supposed to come out again?

[alkaisen]

OKAY. so you know about me going to my dream uni and major right???? the problem is. in high school, at least in my country, we are all already divided into to specific studies, science math and social studies. so if you’re studying social studies, that’s all you’ll learn for three years, no science whatsoever. the problem is, i was in social studies then i suddenly wanted to be a scientist and change studies to science math which i have zero knowledge of it…

ITS A BOLD MOVE TRUST ME I KNOW but i jst cant see myself going through social studies major and have a career in one… i wanted to be a scientist. i worked hard to get in, and im in my dream major now. that’s what i wanted.

the only problem is that i’m afraid, you know? im the only one who has zero knowledge of science and math among my peers and im just… scared. obv i have already think through of all the risk and sacrifices whilst making this major decision, im fully aware that i have to study harder and basically learn everything from literal ZERO and i don’t mind, in fact, im excited.

despite all of that, still doesnt change the fact that im scared. what if i cant do it? what if it all will end up in vain? what if all of my sacrifices turned out to be useless? :(

thank you so much for listening to my rant, al.

oh chu :(( it's okay to feel that way, your feelings are completely valid and understandable. will it make you feel better if i say i've had somewhat similar experiences? it happened to me when i first chose law as my major, so i can somewhat guess what it must be like.

i didn't change my course of study like you did, of course. which is very, very, VERY impressive and was super courageous of you by the way. being in an unfamiliar environment is scary, it's true. the nervousness or anxiety you're feeling is also absolutely normal chu, given the significant transition you're facing and all. it's a big thing.

also, i want you to understand that you haven't done anything wrong or chosen the wrong major or made the wrong decision or anything like that

it's going to be hard at first, that much is guaranteed with your background being different from the rest, but it's not your fault and i don't want you beating yourself up over that. i guarantee you as someone with similar experiences, it will get better. i once read something that said something along the lines of "not treating yourself as a failure when/if your future is delayed by circumstances that aren't in your hands" and i think it might resonate with you

your peers are there to help you, and so are your professors — the university wants you to succeed. there will be resources you can research, friends that will assist you and professors that will answer any queries you have. you're ready to put in more work and do your research, that's all that counts. you're putting in effort and you're trying, some don't even do that and im very proud of you for taking this leap. i hope you'll try and see you're as brilliant as i see you

trust yourself, you've got this. i believe in you. just take it one step at a time, make sure to take breaks so to not overwork or burn yourself out and don't hesitate to reach out for support ANY time you need it. you'll do wonderfully.

[wewontdieunbloomed]

this is part two of unlearning the bad things i unconsciously learnt from last year.

part one was the negative default pessimism i fall in to, which i keep calling it me being emo which means i dwell in my “misery” for far too long, instead of trying to think of something positive to get myself moving out of the bad zone i am in. as we are often told, sadness and negativity gets comforting, it feels like you are protecting yourself. but one cannot see beauty in life and find joy for oneself if one does not make oneself vulnerable.

and so making myself vulnerable is what ive been doing. trying to romanticise this state that im in, a liminal space, at crossroads. its not the most ideal, too many things are unknown and for the first time in my life im dealing with having barely any structure to my days, with nothing to do yet so much i should do.

it took me quite a while to stop lamenting this unknown and start returning to the foundations i built this blog and my entire philosophy off, the whole concept of “lest we die unbloomed” of making sure i dont realise one day ive wasted my time. and in small parts i like to think ive made progress on that

the focus now is the second part. i lost a lot of my attention span and impulse control, and today i reached a horrible point where i am sitting on the kitchen floor at 9 with no dinner, having ruined my microwave dinner out of a lack of common sense. i am not sure if all this recent muddling is because of covid brain fog or the horrifying amount of screen time i have had recently, but i was so sick of it. i have done a lot of things on impulse recently, and though today i had a really fulfilling day spending time with people i havent in a long time, when i got home and im back to reality of the things i havent done and been procrastinating for too long on, i felt horrible. this need to change, i realised.

so this is part two. it calls back to one of the values i set as something important to myself, being honest with myself. i know what im doing now is not working. i know that even though i use my planner im not sticking to it. i know my todo lists are not helping me. then why do i stubbornly stick to methods i know dont work? i told myself a year ago i would not change my system if it doesnt need to be changed. i have forgotten that i need to change it when it does. how silly! so im changing.

so in the last 2 hours in order to get myself up ive written todo lists on paper instead of in my journal. used a timer for every single step from shower to sweeping the floor to brushing my teeth. enough lazing around and letting simple things occupy too much time. its a parkinsons law thing.

enough doomscrolling and opening instagram when i have nothing to do. im setting a limit for a block of time in the day where i am not allowed to use social media, pwrhaps not any internet at all. i need to make drastic change, even if it seems inconsequential. it might not be academic but its personal. and my personal life and what i want to do with my time is worth taking big measures for, because it should be more important than all that revision for exams i used to do.

so the point f this ramble is to clear things out with myself. make some sense of whats goijg on. have a direction. tomorrow i have an interview. ill come home and do the chores i have to. prepare for my afternoon activity. go for lunch and my afternoon appointment. go for a run. buy dinner. write my applications. research on uni stuff. read a book. and all the other tint things i need to give more importance to even though they seem inconsequential. it sa new mantra ive gotten into ever since part one of this. that “this is the way” this is the new way. enough lazing. its time to go hard and be rurhless. take things up a notch because when else can i do it? go big from experiences to measures i have to take to discipline myself. this is the way.

04.04.2023

[renee-writer]

Young Turks Chapter 12

AO3

The Fraser’s  arrive the next day.  Geillis is off at class so Claire answers the door. “Mr. and Mrs. Fraser.”

 

“My daughter.” Ellen greets her, drawing her into her arms. With all that has happened the last few days, it is suddenly to much and she bursts into tears. Brian ushers them fully in and shuts the door. “It is alright, my darling. We understand now. “

 

Brian doesn’t fully but is trying. Hearing from the Beauchamp ‘s of their plans, helps some. He still wishes to talk to Jamie though. “Where is he?”

 

“He is sleeping, worked last night.” His daughter-in-law replies from his wife ‘s embrace. Right. He is working. A grand thing. “I need to wake him in an hour for class. As you guys are here, I can wake him now.”

 

“Thank you, my dear.”

 

She walks that direction. They watch her. “Married, he is really married.” Julia mumbles. Her husband nods.

 

“Jamie?” he groans and reaches for her, drawing her close.

 

“Hmm, my wife. Do we have some time before I must get up?” he nuzzles her neck.

 

“Yes but, your folks are here.”

 

His lust addled brain clears in a hurry. “How are they acting?” He asks as he moves to get up.

 

“I think all will be alright. Your mum hugged me and your dad called me, my dear.”

 

“Aye,” he pulls his jeans on, adding a t-shirt, “It will be me they are sore with.” He stands straight, drawing her to his side. He is a husband, he reminds himself, an adult. He can handle this. It doesn’t stop his legs from shaking when he walk out though.

 

“Son.” They stand in the  center of the room.

 

“Da, mam.”

 

“First,” his da starts, “we were owed more then a note.” Jamie starts to talk and Brian lifts his hand, “second, we have talked to the Beauchamp ‘s and are proud of all you both are doing. Third, as much as it pains me to say, you were right. We didn’t listen. You did try to tell us.”

 

“We would like you both to come back home. Together. We would see that you get to uni, Claire.” Julia adds.

 

“Thank you mam. That is my job. We appreciate the offer, very much, but, I can’t see being married under my parents roof and rules.”

 

“May we sit?”

 

They both flush at their lack of manners.

 

“Sorry mam. O’ course.”

 

“Would you like something to drink?” Claire offers.

 

“No but thank you.”

 

They take seats across from them.

 

“We understand that. We were talking last night, after the Beauchamp ‘s left.” Brian leans forward, “Recall the old croft house, Jamie?”

 

“Aye, the one that is a kilometer away from the house?”

 

“Just so. We are offering to rent it to you. Twenty -five pounds a month, with utilities. Your place, your rules.”

 

The couple look at each other.

 

“I have classes here, starting in a month.”

 

“There is an old farm truck that I am sure Jamie can get running in a month. Your mum and Ellen can help you get the house together while Jamie and I get the truck in order. We understand you two need your own life and space. You need to understand that, as your parents, we would feel better helping. With Julia and Henry helping with Claire ‘s tuition, we thought this is the way we can help.”

 

“What do you say Claire?” Jamie asks.

 

“Our own place and rules?”

 

“Aye, we will just be the landlords.” Brian answers.

 

“My job.”

 

“There should be enough farm work to keep you busy.” His da answers.

 

“Thank you. We will accept your offer.”

 

They shake hands like men.

[askinkiskarma]

ok so this is kind of a rant so you don6have to reply but i just wanted to tell someone this.

i feel so horrible. like im failing at life. it doesn't natter how hard i try, i never reach my goals. and I'm not able to manage ANYTHING. I've no idea what to do in the future or even what im doing now. even my brother said im failing at life and ik he was joking but honestly i am. i don't know what's wrong with me

baby, i'm so sorry you feel this way, and i know how you feel 100% and i know that maybe me saying this might not mean much, but please know that everyone feels like this. most people, even the most confident, accomplished ones you meet, they all feel/have felt like this in their respective lives, and unfortunately, it's just one of the many ways our own minds try to sabotage us.

i can't speak to your own circumstances, obviously, but i can speak to my own. i spent years of my life working my ass off, more than anyone else I knew, to get into medical school - i had wanted to be a surgeon since i was 15, and it was the only thing i wanted, i wanted it so badly, i was willing to sacrifice my whole life to succeed, and i did for a long while. I was sure I would get in, I mean i worked so so hard, right? But I didn't. I didn't manage to get in bc of oNE wrong answer out of 50. And most of my friends did, and now they're medics. And it killed me, I was so depressed, I thought I was weak and not good enough and that I failed at life, and failed my younger self, and failed my future. I left for the UK ashamed of myself bc I had failed where others hadn't, spent a lot of my undergraduate not knowing what I wanted, bouncing between again the idea of med school and all sorts of other things, including law, because i was lost, but I learnt there's beauty in being lost. There's beauty in not knowing, and not having your whole life planned out. It was only in my second semester of my 3rd year of uni that i decided on cancer research, and honestly? i still don't know what i'm going to do after my phd, but I am sooo happy with where life took me, and where I am now. I no longer have plans or a solid idea of what my future should look like - i just wait and see where life takes me. And so should you.

Me and my friends who do phds have a saying (because we fail ALL THE TIME, AT EVERYTHING) : we haven't failed; we're optimising the protocol. That's you. You haven't failed. You're just optimising! I promise life has a funny way of working out. If you keep doing your best, and giving it your all, eventually you'll find the things that bring you joy, and that you're good at, and the future will start looking a bit clearer with each attempt. Life is just a long optimisation procedure, and there's no easy way out of it, you just have to learn to embrace the journey x

I hope this helped in anyway. Pls don't listen to people who have no idea what they're talking about, who want to bring you down - it speaks to their own issues a lot more than any of your own. You're beautiful and special and unique and you're the only you out there x ily and smooches x

[afraidofthismyself]

I went on a few more dates with that same guy before we sort of fizzled out of each other's lives. I had begun to feel safer, but neither of us was giving the other what we needed to make it a proper relationship.

On April 28th, 2021, a few weeks after that last post, I met somebody. He was on my course, but due to the restrictions in Wales because of Covid-19, he had been unable to travel down from his home. With the restrictions lifted, this was his first time meeting everyone. I had only interacted with him once the entire time, in a quick online meeting and thought nothing of it. However, within a few hours of our initial meeting I knew he was interested in me. And I'm not saying that believing that "of course he would be". I'm normally the type of person who continuously doubts that until it is really hard to avoid, but his attention was very singular given who we had around. He asked me to show him around campus, we went out for coffee together and made an effort to get to know about each other. After installing my own artwork, he asked me my opinion on his and photographed mine. When he had to leave to head back up to Wales, he told me that he would reach out to me on Insta.

Sure enough, he was messaging me that night, saying it was nice to meet me and continuing our conversation.

The exhibition critique went well, and de-install happened. I put his work away carefully, sent him a picture of what it looked like and where he could find it in the studio before heading out with some of my course mates for a drink. A few hours and drinks later, I was getting off the train and in the parking lot he video calls me. I remember thinking you only video call someone if you like them. He thanked me for putting the work away and began asking me about my day and so on. It was a short lived call as my Uncle was picking me up. I apologized for having to hang up, but I was smitten.

We continued talk for the next few weeks, talking art and life in general. It was flirty, but not in a way that made me uncomfortable. He wasn't overtly sexual. It was funny and it felt safe and so I was excited when he said that he would be coming down to London again in mid May to do another installation on campus. I was sitting in the studio I shared with my course mates when he walked in. I didn't want to seem overly eager so I didn't immediately rise out of my seat. He came in and a woman walked in behind him. I was jarred for a second before I realized it was his Mum. Very sweet woman, very kind and attentive. I'll always hold a bit of a soft spot for her for how welcoming she was to me.

I wanted to make sure that I didn't look too eager to hang around so I tried to keep my distance. Going about my work in the gallery and in the studio as much as possible. About halfway through the day, he asked me if I wanted to get a drink after Uni. I was probably a bit quick to respond if I was trying to remain aloof. We go for the drink alone, we talk. Alcohol makes me a bit more honest than I would like to be sometimes. As things became a bit more flirty, a bit more obvious, I decided I needed to lay down a bit of the law. I told him I'd never had sex. He seemed surprised, asked me if I was waiting for it to be special. I said no, but that I had been sexually abused as a kid. It made wanting to have sex difficult because it would come with further complications and it was an issue of trust. He said he understood, said he was sorry. Didn't pry or ask me more. At the time, I thought that was a good thing. We parted ways and I caught the train back home from Uni, knowing I'd see him again the next day for his exhibition and to say goodbye as he would be going home again. The exhibition went well, I helped him document. He asked me if I would repaint the gallery for him since he was leaving. Me, always eager to please and prove how good I am, said yes. And he left.

We kept talking. I wanted to know when he would be back down in London. He said possibly not until June. I was gutted. I made it obvious that I wanted to see him. The flirting became more obvious, a bit more sexual, but nothing to make me go running to the hills. It was all exciting and new and wonderful. So a few weeks after his last visit, when he mentioned how much I would love his family's farm and how I should visit. I felt bold enough to say name the time and day and I'll be there. I never thought he'd actually take me up on. Next thing I knew, I had tickets booked to go up to Wales.

There's something extremely daunting about travelling to lose your virginity. I had made my mind up it would happen while I was there. It sounds stupid now to write. I'd waited 24 years and suddenly a guy I hadn't even met a month before I wanted to sleep with. I'm not going to take away from my decision, it felt right at the time. On May 28th, 2021. I took a train up to Cardiff where he met me at the station. We spent the day in the city together, had lunch at the Cosy Club. There was the first time we really talked about sex, laid out the ground rules. There was no talk of a relationship. I would be moving home in less than a year. It was more of a statement on monogamy while sleeping with someone and of being open and honest about what was occurring within the sexual relationship. I thought that was really all I needed.

We took the train up to Caerphilly and were picked up by his dad, who funny enough has the same name as my Dad and was born in the same year. We drove a bit out from there, where his family ran a farm and a small glamping set up for "stay-cations". I spent the evening helping them deliver food down to the guests and chatting with his Mum and Dad. Both lovely people, very kind. Very complimentary as well. Time ticked on and then we were left alone. He went outside, taking a drag from his vape and I came to stand outside with him. I was looking out to the field and he came up behind me, began kissing me neck and feeling up my breasts. Literally felt like I was getting the wind knocked out of me. My heart was beating 100 miles a minute. We moved into the lounge room, he began playing some tunes on the piano. We kissed for the first time there. We then move over to the couch and feel each other up before finally deciding to go to bed.

Just enough time passes while we are getting ready for me to get into my head. I'm freaking out, having no idea what I'm doing or what is even going to happen. But I'm determined, I feel like I have to do this now. He comes into the room, the lights go off. We kiss, just a bit. Not as much as I would like. I ask him to grab a condom. There wasn't really much foreplay and I'm all psyched out and my body just wouldn't open up to it. I tried, but it was painful and I had to tell him to stop. Him actually stopping was almost something I needed. To know that he would lifted a lot of fear off my shoulders. He told me he needed to get off, I let him sort of just do what he needed with me (nothing I didn't consent to, I just don't want to go into the details). He asked me if I wanted to get off and I said no. We fell asleep and I was a bit mad at myself, knowing that I'd be going home the next day and hadn't done what I thought I would.

We wake up the next morning and when he wants to be sexual, he asks if we can try oral instead. I say yes, but tell him I don't know what I'm doing. He assumed when I said I'd never had sex that I had done other things. I quickly corrected him. He "complimented" me by saying he wouldn't have known if I hadn't told him. I don't think I believe that now, but it made me feel a bit more at ease then. He didn't touch me that morning.

We go into town that day, look around Caerphilly and have lunch. By the time we reach the mid-afternoon, I realize that he had no expectation of me leaving. I thought we had agreed to the one night, but I was happy to stay. So we follow a similar path of a night in at home and once again once his family leaves, we are left alone. When we go to bed, I ask for us to try again. He grabs a condom. He makes a joke about how if we had anal then I would still be a virgin. I laugh it off, thinking it was a joke. This unfortunately will come into play later.

There was very minimal foreplay and very minimal kissing. I quickly picked up that wasn't something he wanted to do very often with me. It sat wrong, but I tried not to overthink it. He put his fingers inside me, in more than one way. We hadn't discussed it, but it didn't hurt so I didn't complain. We had sex. He was careful and slow. It didn't hurt, that I was very grateful for. We started in missionary and I was enjoying myself, although very unsure about what I was meant to be doing and letting him just guide me. Never had my legs moved into such weird positions before. We switched to doggy and I remember thinking that I had always been told sex wouldn't take this long. I didn't like doggy, too easy to get into my own head but it was the position he preferred. When he came, he took the condom off an came over my vulva. I was attracted to this, turned on by it. It wasn't something that had been discussed.

Afterwards, there was blood all over the sheets. And not the little bit they tell you about in historical movies. Like, a lot. I was freaking out but somehow had to comfort him cause he'd "never slept with a virgin before and didn't know anything about this". So while I'm trying to find out while I'm bleeding so much, he's freaking out about some sheets. I was thankful I brought pads. I pass a massive clot in the morning. I don't tell him. I have no one to talk to and I'm freaking out. The bleeding lasts about three days before it stems off.

I ended up staying in Wales for about 8 days. Bit longer than predicted. I helped his family on the farm, met his siblings, helped in his sister's shop - even doing some renovations. We had sex many more times. I learned a lot of things I liked, but it was never talked about beforehand. Sort of just happened during and I suppose I figured it was just how you explored during sex. How would you know if you liked something if it didn't happen to you? Choking, being called names. It was never something I really thought I would like.

We said goodbye at Caerphilly train station. He said he would miss me. We kissed and he smacked my ass before I got on the train to head down to Cardiff, then back to London, then to Hertfordshire. It was only once I was home that the guilt of what I'd done set in with myself. I felt a bit disgusted for what I found I enjoyed during sex and also was upset that I hadn't protected the small child inside of me who had been scared of anything sexual since I was eight. I struggled, I spoke to my therapist. I knew I didn't regret what I'd done, I just had to work through it.

We keep talking. He says he misses me, how things aren't as good while I'm not there. Our messages become more sexual. Images, videos, all that awful stuff I said I'd never do is being done. He begins talking more about the things he wants to do. Anal is there. I know he wants me to try it. I don't say anything about being apprehensive. I just want to give him what he wants. It continues like this through June. I find out he is coming down to London again. I feel a lot of anxiety, less excitement than before. I try to tell myself that it's all in my head, that things haven't been different or weird. I got the train to school, wait for him to arrive. I feel a bit lighter when I do see him.

As far as I was concerned, when it came to our course mates, whether they suspected anything was happening between us was their business, but we weren't going to give them anything obvious to work it. At least, that was my understanding. So when we were in the gallery installing work and he decided to grab my ass in front of everybody I was a bit shocked and embarrassed, but I didn't say anything. We left the school not long after that to go to his hotel, meanwhile the whole time on the Underground he was feeling me up. Again, not something we had really discussed and not something I really like to this day but I figured it was easier to just get through it than make a big deal.

We get to the hotel, he debates back and forth if he wants to shower or have sex first. We settle on sex. I brought lube with me this time to make things a bit easier and it was all good. Sex definitely improves the more you have it. When he asked me if we could try anal, I kind of felt like my stomach dropped. I knew he wanted to, knew he'd been basically saying it was going to happen for weeks. I was very anxious about, had been worrying it would happen. But I knew it was what he wanted by how much he talked about it. And how can you say you don't like something unless you try it?

It was awful. I'm sure there is a way for it to feel good but my body was pressed down onto the bed, no way for him or I to try and make me feel good if you know what I mean. It was very obvious it was being done for him and not for both of us. And maybe I need correction, but I thought sex was meant to be good for both. That action in itself and not even the attempt to pleasure me or have me at least pleasure myself was jarring. He asked if I was in pain, and I was. But I said no.

This would haunt me even now. Why did I say no? What was I afraid of? That he would stop, that the pain would stop? That's exactly what I wanted. I think in the end I was worried about not living up to a fantasy. That in that moment I knew if I gave him a reason to leave, he would. Take the out.

It had been his birthday the day before. We were due to meet up with his friend for drinks. I was flattered that I was invited along. I'm beginning to realize how easy I was to impress. The whole night he keeps making jokes and alluding to the fact that we had anal sex before going out. I brush off every comment hoping nobody else picks up on it. I'm in pain, but not enough to stop what I'm doing. We walk back to the hotel that night. He keeps looking at me and smirking. Before I can even ask what he says "I can't believe you took it in the ass." I try as hard as I can not to feel shit about myself.

We have sex again in the morning. Nothing painful this time. I'm laying on my back and as we go through the motions, he looks at me before taking my toe in his mouth. I distinctly remember saying to him at some point half-jokingly that people who were into feet should be hunted for sport. I'm so stunned I'm just staring at him. Definitely no discussion about this. We leave the hotel, get lunch together, and go to Uni. That was the last time I had sex with him.

The reception is that night. Some curation students from another Uni are deciding who they want in the show they'll curate. It's more of a "who became friends with them" sort of thing, but worth putting together anyway. I had planned to go home that night as he had made it clear he wanted the evening for himself. He asked me if I was going to join them round for drinks and I said I'd have to be off soon to catch the last train. He asked me to stay later, I said I couldn't run the risk of missing it. He then told me I could stay with him another night. I spend most of the night feeling like shit. Wondering why I'm existing in this space when it is obvious he doesn't really want me there, but also becoming obvious that he wants the convenience of me. I swallow down the anxiety. After a night of drinking, we go back to the hotel. We wake up late in the afternoon, get coffee, go to the Uni to clean up our work. I have to catch the train home. We kiss goodbye. That's the last time.

I knew things had changed and gone wrong, but stubborn as I am and desperate to prove that there isn't something wrong on undesirable about me, I keep giving. The sexual messages continue for another month along with our normal conversation, but slowly it begins to taper off to if I'm lucky one message per day.

Our degree show is coming up in September. We had decided earlier on to share a space. How stupid that was. I went in and painted both of our spaces in order to get them ready months in advance. Once more a desperate and rather pathetic attempt to prove how useful I could be. August passes and I barely hear anything. Installation week arrives for the degree show. Two days pass and I don't see him. My professors and advisors ask where he is and tell me to call him to find out what is going on. I can't very well say to them "No, I can't do that. You see I fucked this guy and ended up falling for him a bit, but now that he's fucked me every way he could think of, he doesn't want to talk to me anymore and I may be desperate, but I'm not so desperate as to call and tell him to get his ass down here cause I'm both terrified and excited at the prospect of seeing him again because I'm hoping if he sees how useful I am he might actually see me as a human being and nothing some hole he got to fuck".

I don't hear from him and I decide to paint his side of the room over again so at least if he's bailed, I can have a clean side of the room to deal with. Of course I get a message from one of my girlfriends saying that he told her that he's arriving the next day. When he does show up, its awkward. I keep working on whatever bits of my installation are left and then go around out of the room trying to help everybody else where I can, but mostly just to get out of the situation. But, where he can get me he does and so I lend him a hand with some of his work because when he asks I can't help myself. We end up going around looking at the different spaces. He asks when I have to go home and I tell him I'm staying in a hotel during the install week. He asks if I want to go for a drink. I say yes.

We go to the pub around the corner from Uni where we went the first time. He asks me how I've been and I really just tell him the bare minimum. It's a lot of beating around the bush and not acknowledging anything. All I know is he makes it clear we won't be having sex again. But when I make a comment about needing to go for a PAP smear, he asks me who else I've been sleeping with. I informed him that I needed to go still after sleeping with him. He's mildly offended. We have the few drinks, keep talking. I ask him about going on a residency to Georgia. He asks when I'm going back to Canada. He walks me to the Underground and we say goodbye. I think I must have cried myself to sleep that night.

I see him a bit through the next few days before he goes home to Wales. I'm looking after both our spaces as he has a tv set up. He comes back down to London on the Tuesday for the closing reception. I'm dreading it. I come down from watching the space. I'm wearing this red tweed dress I got from Marks and Spencers. I feel good about myself. That kind of stops when I see him down in the caf. I stick by my girlfriends. Not immediately going to him. With how stretched and forced all of our interactions had been, I really didn't want it to continue into this. The moment I'm sort of on my own, he comes over and starts talking to me. It's comical, really. In wanting to sleep with me at the few times he came to Uni, I was kind of the only friend he had. Sure, he could talk to the others, but I was actually the person he knew best. He asked for me help up in our installations. So, stupidly, I left the drinks and my friends to go and help him. He was going to be doing an performance piece. Of course, by the time he was due to perform, he was nowhere to be found and as people filled the room, they asked me where he was. So, I went to look for him, found him with his family down the elevator, and sent them up. Performance went, I of course filmed it for him cause why wouldn't I? Add to the humiliation.

Then it was just wandering around until the reception was finished. I was asked if I wanted to go out for a drink. I said I'd need to catch the train. He convinced me to get a hotel for the night. We all went out for a drink, a good many of us, but he sat next to me most the night while I tried to sit near my friends to kind of flank myself. We all say goodnight to each other around midnight, one of the older men on my course uncomfortably kissing me on the cheek when we parted. Then the two of us were heading off back to the hotel. Spoke a little bit on the train. We got there, checking in. I went up to my room, he went to his.

I didn't message him in the morning, I just went to school to begin de-installing the exhibition. I had a whole room that was green that had to go back to white. He showed up around noon and to his credit, he did help me. We got a coffee together and then went back to Uni and said goodbye so he could catch the train home. We hugged. That was the last time I ever saw him in person.

Of course it couldn't end that simply. With him in Georgia, I thought perhaps that it might give me the distance that I needed in order move myself away. No. Based on how well we collaborated and worked together, we were assigned to run some teaching courses together through the remainder of Unit 3. To my insanity, I was trapped with someone who basically just had a go with the flow method for teaching and even more than that, was unreliable for planning and gave very dubious advice to students. It was frustrating, forced more contact between us that neither of us needed, and made me still just as pathetic as I had been before.

Oh, but the most pathetic part wasn't even done yet. Why would it be? I'd used my last bit of time in the Foundry to make him a Christmas gift. A bronze casted "rotten apple", a memento to one of the shows he'd put on at Chelsea. During one of our last teaching sessions, I asked for his address so I could mail him "something". He told me to give to him in person. I reminded him that I would be leaving the country a week after he got back from Georgia so he likely wouldn't see me. He got really cross about this. Asking me why I would leave before the final presentations and all that. I told him that with us being able to present online, I had nothing holding me here. I just wanted to go home and be with my family. I was over my time in England.

So I went home. December 11th, 2021, I was on a plane back to Canada. I did my presentation on the Monday which he did not see. Expecting him to turn up to anything I did would have been laughable. I went to every presentation through the week, including his. Trying to participate where I could. In his, I purposely asked a question I knew he couldn't answer. I'd been telling him for months that his work was uncanny and explaining why. In his presentation, that's exactly how he described it. I asked him what his definition of the uncanny was in relation to his work. He couldn't answer - he would have been able to if he ever listened to me talk about his work. He messaged me to "thank" me for the question. And then it was radio silence for about two weeks. He only messaged me on Christmas to say thanks for the gifts. Judging on if he'd actually opened it, I would have got more than that. Then more silence. On Instagram I see him posting to his story with a girl.

On January 2nd, 2022, I received a Christmas card from him in the post. It was stupid and completely him.

On the 6th of January, 2022, he messaged me asking what time it was in Canada and if he could call me for a catch up and to thank me properly for the gifts. I said yes. It was only about 20 minutes long. He asked me how I was doing and we had a bit of idle chit chat, talked about books we'd been reading. He then confessed to me he'd only opened the gifts I sent him that day. He said they were the most thoughtful gifts he'd ever received. Not sure how much I believe that now. When I said I'd assumed he hadn't actually opened them, he said he'd struggled to do so because I had been such a good friend to him and it was hard for him to accept the fact that I wasn't going to be there anymore. I was a bit taken aback, having not expected that. But I kind of knew it was a trap, trying to get me to be emotionally invested again. And to what purpose? Not like I was there anymore. I just said, what's done is done and I'm back in Canada now, there was nothing that was going to change that. We spoke a little bit after that before saying goodbye.

We spoke, with him messaging me once a week basically for the next few months. The last time he messaged me back was June 23rd, 2022. His birthday.

I was preparing to go back to England for my graduation July 2022 (earlier this month) and I'd spent months being anxious about seeing him again, to the point that I was dreading going. I didn't want to be dragged down to that level anymore. It was already bad enough that I hadn't been the one to cut off contact, but I'll be honest that if he hadn't, I probably never would have ended it.

I went to England and back to Wales. I took my grandmother and we went to Cardiff and even back up to Caerphilly. It was beautiful, and nice to see it again on my own. But it kind of felt akin to being a ghost. He didn't come to graduation. And I admit my relief, even though it made me feel ridiculous for worrying so much up until that point. I knew now I would never see him again in my life. And the relief of that was almost too much to bear.

And so here I am now. My fear of sex was probably rational. I don't think I would ever want to go through something like that again. I'm less angry with him now. In truth, I'm mostly ashamed of myself. I know I could have acted better, expected more, respected myself more. But it is part of the learning curve, I guess. I'm glad it was when I was older, I don't know if I could have survived that as a teenager. But yeah. It's been over a year since I last had sex. I decided not to look for anything else. If love or sex is going to come around, it needs to find me.

It felt good to get all this out. I'll say goodbye to you now, Welsh guy. You were a lesson I didn't really want.

[yutafrita]

hi! I hope you aren’t busy and if you are it’s okay- you don’t have to answer this !!

I hope you’re doing well !!

I just wanted to come and vent to you because I don’t think I have anyone to vent to about this situation rn and I felt comfy enough to tell you.

I’m a college student in freshman year. Survived the long years of basic school and have finally entered my freshman year let alone in a prestigious university.

My plans were to initially take a gap year to find myself, get a job to save up some money and to explore myself creatively but my parents persuaded me to go straight to college because i shouldn’t graduate after my peers ( which just sounds ridiculous now that I’m thinking of it )

So I applied for college, and I got into the school of my dreams, and my parents dreams and my relatives dreams.

I felt a bit on top of the world in some ways, and I say in some ways because I didn’t exactly get the major I wanted to do so I have to take a long cut which means that statement my parents told me would be useless in a sense because I AM going to graduate after everybody now.

So I get settled in for university and I’m feeling out of place and like a sock in water. At first people say I’ll eventually ease into it because this is how freshman year starts off, but I haven’t reached the stage of comfort or joy or happiness yet.

I find myself terribly homesick and filled with so much regret I feel as though it’s eating me up. I miss writing, I miss drawing, I miss crocheting— I just miss feeding my creative side and expressing myself in those ways. ( I had to ditch all of that in senior year to do well lol )

I feel like I’m in a slight identity battle too—which just tops it all off.

I wanna drop out so badly but I can’t do it. Everyone knows I’m in that university, everyone has these expectations of me and everyone is watching me.

My parents have spend a crap ton of money starting me off in uni and which makes it even more difficult. I can already see their disappointed faces, my parents expressing their grave disappointment and hurt.

But I just feel like I can’t do it anymore, it’s been three months and I’m so sure that this feeling won’t disappear.

The thought of spending 5 years focused solely on education and just a mince of creative expression drives me mad. Its something that I feel would wake me up in the night, drenched in a thin layer of cold sweat.

I feel like I’d be throwing the best side of my life away.

It already feels like that because I barely have time to do the things I want to do and to evolve in those hobbies.

I’ve always leaned more onto my creative side than my academic side, it’s what makes ME happy but not my parents.

The only reason I chose to law in the first place was because my dad didn’t think being a chief editor of a magazine firm would be a stellar job.

Despite molding the law degree into a certain type of law I’d enjoy, I still can’t help but feel as though I’m still dancing to my parents tune, and trying to convince myself that I’m not.

I think I’m really stuck in between a rock and a really hard place rn 💀

I really don’t know what to do.

Hi! First- thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share this with me. I can tell you've really been goin' through it, so already taking a step into my ask box means you've really done 75% of the thinking you need. You're doing great! Now, let's sit.

It really would be the easy thing for me to say "follow your heart- do what you want!" but frankly, that would be such privileged horse shit for me to say. My parents are immigrants, I grew up poor- the idea of simply "following your heart" was never practical for me. We have to survive and more than just our hearts.

However (this is a BIG however) as soul crushing as it is to accept the kind of society we live in, I believe that we can strike a balance between our hearts and our brain. SO, your family is pushing you into law, but you are passionate about working at a magazine firm- let's go from here.

While there are definitely a lot of idiots in law school and practicing law, it's generally not an easy process to go through, and I don't think you should go through the trauma of higher education like that if it's not for something you're passionate about. So, since you specifically mentioned you loved writing, I assume it's specifically journalism you have the passion for. Going to a prestigious university [you mentioned uni so I'm going to assume you're European if that's okay? I say this because I know I know a lot about education in the states but now over there I'm sorry :((( ] is really amazing- I need you to know that you have worked hard, and how you feel does not throw away your hard work in the past. It's really easy for me to be like "oh in ten years it won't matter!" because what you're feeling now is still heavy and that advice is so unhelpful. I do want to ask- is it the school of your dreams, really? Like, really really. When you think of your dream school, is it really this one? It's okay if it's not.

Am I being helpful? Sorry- It's almost midnight here. I'm trying to not project primarily because what you said resonated really deeply with how I felt in high school to sometimes even now. Give me a sec. While I was applying to colleges I can't even begin to tell you how often my mom tried to talk me out out majoring in psychology (funny enough my parents REALLY wanted me to be a lawyer) but, between you and me, I actually wanted to apply for an English degree. And, I decided not to for two reasons.

One, because oh my god writing as a career is so fucking stressful. Holy shit. It's so hard. Constantly grinding and wishing and praying for someone to give you a chance- hoping that one literary agent will give you a chance? I could not. Like I said- I grew up poor, the financial trauma I have would have been exasperated by my undiagnosed mental illnesses and... yeah. Two, because I genuinely was interested in helping people so- boom. Psychology.

Okay now, my point.

Your parents seem to love you- this is great. The truth is- sometimes, you'll have to disappoint them because you aren't them. If you are going to be your own person- whether it be switching majors, taking next semester off, switching universities, something has to give- and none of these things would be your parents choice. This will make them disappointed, but here's the good part- they will get it. Maybe not now, maybe in a week, or maybe in thirty years, they'll get over it. And if they don't... well, you'll be over it. You're growing up. Growing up is fucking painful sometimes. It's also lonely sometimes.

I can't tell you what to do, but you know what you have to do. Society tries to tell us that our jobs define us and should be our whole lives- that's some crazy ass bullshit. Fuck. That. Pick a career that you are pleased with, makes you feel good, and gives you time to do what you love. You know what you will regret most if you are already able to articulate and tell me all of this. So- listen to your brain, but check in with your heart! Your feelings matter- you matter. And- don't be afraid to drop a message to me, but if you're feeling shy please give me an update even as an anon! I hope that this helps even in just a reminder that your feelings and thoughts matter.

I wanted to link you to the concept of big-fish-tiny-pool which I'm sure you know of but if not, here ya go. You aren't alone! I know it may seem like that, but I hope you can find comfort in you not being completely solo on this mission :)

[sukirichi]

I GUESS THAT WAS GOODBYE. | ran haitani x gn! reader

contains. angst. hurt & comfort. fluff. gn! reader. bonten! ran. roponggi! ran. married dynamics. mentions of gang work (murder, prostitution, etc.) there’s also some inaccuracy when it comes to to signing papers but uh let’s ignore that :D

song inspo. i guess that was goodbye by lyn lapid

note. i honestly could’ve expanded on this more but eh here it is :> 3.4kwc hehehe

they say young love doesn’t last.

they say to be logical first before diving headfirst into recklessness without calculating the risks, but none of those warnings didn’t stop you from shyly handing a love letter to the infamous eldest haitani brother ruling your district. back then, it’s nothing but a silly thing to do while you giggled with your friends, laughing with warm cheeks as they encouraged you to take a step closer to his bike.

who would’ve known that years later, you’ll end up here in your cramped, rundown dorm with your now boyfriend, ran, looking up at you cheekily as you disinfected the cuts on his face?

“sorry, love,” he whispers before closing his eyes. the lanky boy before you snatches your wrist and brings it closer to his lips, leaving a soft kiss as he sighs. “i didn’t mean to miss our date night. ‘know how much these times mean to you when you’re really busy with uni.”

a soft smile graces your face.

“don’t worry about it,” you reassure him, peeling the lithe fingers wrapped around you. “as long as you come back home to me – safely, i’m hoping – then that’s all that matters to me.”

the vulnerability ran’s smile came with did nothing but make your heart fall even harder for him. you’re powerless against him, anyway. there’s not much you can do to guard your weak heart from being wrapped around his fingers when soon he’s sitting up and pulling you close to his chest, his lips leaving a fiery trail when he smoothes them over your lips, nose, and then the crown of your head.

his hands, albeit coated with blood and dust, didn’t bother you as he cups your face with it. “i love you,” he says, and it sounds more like a promise than a confession.

and if ran haitani promised something, he’ll do anything to keep it – even if promises were meant to be broken.

but you don’t care, nor did you ever imagine the possibility of living a life without him when he became your entire world. your nights were no longer peaceful when he’d crash at your bed at the most unexpected times, his eye bruised and muscles aching yet your boyfriend would still reach out lazily for you.

“come here,” he mumbles, “i need to hold you close.”

“need?” you can’t help but laugh, but slip under the covers anyway and rest your head above his beating heart – the sound so lulling it rivalled with your mother’s lullaby. “that’s a bit excessive, don’t you think? we’ve only been together for two years.”

you feel ran smile without looking at him.

“hmm, then i suppose it’s really a ‘need’ if i plan to spend the rest of my life with you. don’t really know what i’d do if i’m not able to hold you again.”

it was much easier to not believe him. after all, you’re a broke college student who could barely make ends meet, and ran was a gangster who often ran away from the law that found solace in your cramped bedroom. yet, somehow, that tiny little space that forced you to be much closer to your lover was all you needed.

at the young age of twenty-two when you’ve freshly graduated, you’re immediately whisked by ran who swoops down for a congratulatory kiss.

he looked so handsome then. his previously long, braided hair now cut messily until the bangs haphazardly dangle in front of his eyes glinting with mischief that ironically enough, have never been more comforting. they spoke a thousand i love you’s he never got to say despite being under the same roof for the next seven years of your life spent in blissful marriage.

until it wasn’t so blissful anymore.

somewhere down the line, your house got bigger. no longer did you and ran have to worry about bumping into the countertop edges when he bought a larger house with a much spacier kitchen, claiming that he needed the room to freely hug you without you noticing him.

and it was all beautiful – waking up next to your husband who always woke up ten minutes earlier than you. “i want to take a few minutes just admiring your beauty first,” he’ll say again and again, knowing full well it flustered you and it gave him an excuse to shower you in kisses when you shyly turned away from him. “come back!” ran teases and grabs you by the waist. most of the time, you both never leave the bed for the next few hours. ran refuses to let you go and you don’t really want to stop tracing patterns on his bare chest as you both ignore the furious calls of your boss wondering where the hell you’ve been.

when night comes, ran would wait outside your office and put on a display to your co-workers by surprising you with flowers before kissing you. “we need to set the standard for couples,” was his excuse, when really, he just loved seeing your face light up at the sight of him.

but eventually, reality had to catch up to your undisturbed, married life.

it’s not long before rindou is appearing on your doorstep with a mysterious neck tattoo and an even more ominous briefcase. you still remember that scene vividly in the back of your head. how one moment, ran is happily flipping pancakes for you, then the next day, he’s donning a matching tattoo with his brother.

“i thought we decided no more gang related business, ran.”

“i know,” he sighs tiredly, hands covered in his palms that drag along his face. “but trust me, love, i’m doing this for us. this is for our future. listen, i never had formal education and nobody’s going to hire me with that fucking juvie record on my profile, so this is my only way of making sure we live comfortably—”

“don’t we already?”

“i could give you more,” your husband insists, and your shoulders loosen upon witnessing the desperate look on his face. standing up from his spot on the couch, ran massages your stiff muscles and offers a small smile. “just give me one more chance, yeah? i promise i’ll come back home to you in one piece.”

you grimace.

“ran…it’s still dangerous. you know this is illegal. you and i are safe already and we’re doing great – why would i want more when i already have you?”

your husband silences all your worries by kissing you long, and deep. hands finding home in the back of your neck as your head naturally tilts to welcome his lips, you find that it’s so easy for him to convince you to do what he wants. to follow him in his footsteps despite it being a path to death or danger, to live a life shaking in fear as you anxiously watch behind your backs in fear you’ll get caught.

worse of them all, you know everything he’s doing. him, and rindou, and the entirety of bonten.

they all did horrendous things that made you feel sick in your stomach and made it hard to look at your husband. but ah, love had never been logical, has it?

because of love, you turned a blind eye to the nature of his sinister work and tried to not feel empty in the penthouse much too big for the both of you. silence engulfed every corner of the room. there was no one to talk to, no laughter to hear or share with when ran was rarely at home these days, and you had no choice but to quit your previous work for your own safety.

you felt lonely. ignored, abandoned, forgotten – yet you’re not supposed to feel this because your husband gave you everything.

he’s right about one thing. perhaps this was for the ‘best.’ the days of staying up awake in fear you’ll be kicked out of your homes for not being able to pay the bills no longer plagued you, and the refrigerator was always stocked with luxurious food you only dreamed of before. and if you wanted, the simple lift of your finger was all you needed to travel any place in the world.

without your husband, of course. because he’s too busy. because calling him at night was too dangerous when he risked life and limb to buy you bags you didn’t want. because wanting to have a date with your husband outside of your home wasn’t safe.

however, no matter how silent you kept, ran knew you.

he’s not stupid. he can tell you’re miserable in the penthouse and no longer feel the same warmth for him. it’s all too clear when the smile you greet him with on the rare days he does come home is forced, and when he shares the bed with you, your back is always turned to him. breakfast is no longer joyful. there’s nothing good to talk about because the answer to how was work? would be, “oh, my brother and i slaughtered an entire cartel,” or, “oh, i’m sorry i wasn’t able to pick up your call this morning. i wasn’t sure how to tell you mikey ordered me to visit a whore house and buy off a girl for him.”

neither of you had any idea for how long this went on for before ran eventually snapped, dabbing the napkin at his wine-stained lips before dropping the bomb.

“i think it’s best for the both of us to divorce.”

if your world hasn’t shattered before already, it has now. it took every ounce of strength in your body to set down the fork gently and not let it clatter to the ground. laughing incredulously at your husband’s suggestion, yet no trace humour could be found in those now empty eyes of his.

“i’ve already had the papers prepared and everything is taken care of. everything you have now will still be yours. you don’t have to worry about anything, just sign—”

“no.”

“no?” ran repeats the word like he’s only heard of it for the first time. “what do you mean, no?”

“no, as in i am not divorcing you. where did you even get that idea?”

“are you kidding me?” ran scoffs with a shake of his head. “love, you don’t even talk to me or look at me in the eye anymore. every time i come home, you look at me like i’m some foul creature staining your place – our place. it’s so obvious you don’t care about me—”

“i never said that!”

“but you make me feel like it!”

the silence that stretches afterwards feels like a knife digs deeper into your throat. neither of you says anything for a solid minute before ran slumps on his chair, crumpling his perfectly ironed suit. “you make me feel like i’m happier without you. i’m tired, love. i do everything for you and it seems like it’s not enough.”

“ran, has it ever occurred to you i never wanted all this?”

“so you’re ungrateful.”

“stop putting words in my mouth!” unable to help it, you slam a palm down on the table with hot tears streaming down your face. “i care about you, ran. i love you and i always have, and i always will, but i don’t want any of this. i don’t want to constantly worry about my husband not coming home to me because he’s out there killing people. i’m tired of always being alone here and not having anybody to talk to. it feels like a prison, ran. its suffocating. and it’s extremely fucking hard—” you choked back a sob, “—knowing that your husband is a criminal.”

even though you’re a few feet away from ran, he looks like you’ve just slapped him in the face.

“that makes it clear then,” he nods and stands up without another word, leaving you to fumble after him while he pulls out a pen and paper from his suit. you don’t need to glance downward to see it’s the divorce papers. “if it bothers you so much, if i disgust you so much, then by all means – divorce me.”

“ran...” you winced, “can’t we talk about this?”

“there’s nothing to talk about. i don’t want to be with you anymore, and since our life makes you so uncomfortable, then you’re free to leave,” pointing to a certain section in the divorce papers, he crosses it out with gritted teeth. “and fuck your share. you clearly don’t want this luxury, so i’ll just find somebody who does.”

you’re stunned to silence. it’s like the person you’ve been married to for seven years has completely been transformed into somebody you don’t know.

“is that really what you want, ran?”

“i want you to leave me alone.”

“you’re not even going to apologize for being so shitty to me?”

ran carelessly shrugs. “i did the best i could, and i acknowledge i can’t provide you your needs. bonten is my life now. i can’t give you the emotional intimacy you want, nor do i have the time to take you out on dates. so just go. i’m no longer able to be the husband as i was to you back then. it’s either you stay here with me in bonten, or you walk yourself out the door.”

“you’re lying...” you shake your head, “ran...please.”

your husband doesn’t bat an eye as he leans forward and stares at you dead-straight in the eye. “you’ve been good to me,” he whispers, words so soft it contrasted the fiery burn in his gaze. “but i can’t love you the same anymore. bonten is my priority now. i will never have the time for you, and i’ll just hurt you more. so please, sign the divorce papers.”

without another word, you snatched the pen from him and signed your name.

the first few months after your divorce passed by in a blur. you can only recall it hurting a lot before you’ve forgotten it – the heartbreak buried underneath a pile of work and the stress of finding homes now that you’ve left. in a way, it felt nice. you don’t have time to cry or miss ran’s body beside you, or his comforting warmth during the dead nights of the winter when work ate away every second of your time.

it’s only after a year that you’ve began to settle. nice house, nice job – everything was fine and stable. it’s nothing compared to the extravagant everything’s your ex-husband has given you, but it was safe, at least.

and it was fine convincing yourself it didn’t hurt as much until the dates came. offers of blind dates, of your co-worker wiggling their brows at you when they mention they had a single friend all put you off. you don’t even download dating apps. it may have been a year, but ran’s phone number is still stuck in your mind. you haven’t stopped thinking about him. every day, you miss him more and more, but you’ve not heard a single word from him.

not that your ex-husband should text you, but still. it felt like a fraction of your life had just disappeared into thin air, or so you thought until you saw a familiar mop of purple and black hair.

stood in front of you was nobody else but your ex-husband. 

still as handsome as ever in his fancy suit, head thrown back in laughter as he slings an arm around the shoulders of a young, beautiful woman whose face you’d never seen before. and as if feeling the intense gaze of somebody behind them, ran’s cautious eyes scanned the crowd before it fell on you.

ran visibly tensed, and so did you.

god, you missed him. 

that one year of not being with the man you’ve always loved felt like utter hell. each waking day was like walking on shards of glass, but nothing hurt more than the sight of the woman he’s with kissing his cheek.

it’s enough to distract him.

it’s enough time for you to leave your seat and exit the restaurant; all previous plans of going on a nice dinner with yourself thrown out the window. but ran is quick to his feet. soon, he’s holding your arm and making you turn his way, all sorts of emotions displayed on his face. guilt, regret, happiness, anger – all of them poured at once. yet he never said a word.

only your name.

“how have you been?”

“you don’t get to ask me that.”

ran nods, calmly letting you go and shoving his hands into his pockets. his gelled-back hair falls from the movement and cascades a shadow to his handsome face, the sight enough to break your heart and make you cry. “i thought you said you had no time to love me. yet you’re with someone else.”

“...i’m sorry.”

“why, ran?” you hiccupped, “how could you replace me just like that?”

now that you ask him, he’s not entirely sure of himself. maybe he does know the answer, but it’s not a good one. “it’s just...she was there for me when i wasn’t doing so well.”

“and i wasn’t?” you shook your head at him before he had the chance to answer. “who do you choose to love, hm? the one who loved you when you were at your lowest, or the one who was there for you when you gained the entire world?”

his lack of response provided all the answers you need.

you can see it clearly now – the ring sitting comfortably on his finger, the same spot where yours had been. it was a hard pill to swallow that your youth had been spent with him and now that youth was gone. it was even a harder pill to swallow to make somebody your world. nobody told you about what happens when that world shatters.

the dreams you shared, the lonely nights you found comfort in each other, the peace he had given your soul… all of those were just memories of the past.

how unfair did the world have to be that one thing worth holding on to eventually slipped away from your hands?

you’d been so young. so free. so honestly in love that it felt like you could conquer the world as long as he was there. you’d fallen in love with the tall, lanky boy overly concerned for his brother and would toss and turn every night wondering how rindou had been. you’d fallen in love with the boy who snuck into your room just to deliver replies to your love letters. it’s just like yesterday when you’re swooning for his surprisingly elegant handwriting, and ran would kiss your cheek, letting you feel the flutter of his eyelashes as a second kiss.

but then you grew up. you got married, shared everything with ran haitani, but the beginning would not always circle back to the end.

still, you can’t help but wonder…if the two of you had talked it out before, would it have been different now? would he still be yours?

the answers all stood in front of you, and watching the way ran mouths an, ‘i’m sorry’ falls into deaf ears as your heart breaks into pieces. but maybe, deep down, you’re still young as you’re still most definitely foolish when you ask, “do you, perhaps…still love me, even just a little bit?”

finally, ran graces you with an all-too familiar smile.

“always,” he soothes before stepping closer and closing the distance between you. patiently, you hold your breath, eyes closed and hands itching to hold him one last time when ran’s lips land on your forehead instead. “for what it’s worth, you taught me how to love the right way. i’m now able to treat somebody better because of you. i’ll be the husband i was always supposed to be, and i’m sure you’ll find somebody like that, too.”

you grit your teeth behind your smile and laugh back the tears. “ran haitani, i love you.”

“i love you, too, but—” you braced yourself for the impact, “—i hadn’t treated you well in the end, and you’re so perfect. you deserve someone better, so i guess now this is goodbye.”

“goodbye?”

“hm. it was nice seeing you again,” he bumped his shoulders with yours playfully, “i missed you a lot.”