#I have my stories of that grief no doubt many of you do also

[utahlive]

Announcement

Hello UtahLIVE viewers, I have come before you today to talk a bit about recent events and how they will impact the future of this blog. Apologies this note is a bit long, but I would really appreciate it if you took some time to read this.

As I'm sure many of you know, within the past month Wilbur Soot/William Gold has been outed as an abuser. I want to make it clear right now that I no longer support him, nor do I accept his apology (mainly because it's not mine to accept in the first place). I stand with and believe Shelby and Alice 100%. This goes for any other victims that have or will come forward that I am unaware of, since I've been trying my best to stay offline. This aint about me!! But it's still hard when someone you look up to and who inspired you to create art turns out to be a shitbag. If you were somehow unaware of this, please go watch Shelby/Shubble's stream (VOD + transcript) and read Alice's post (and mind the CW/TWs) for more information.

This blog has brought me a lot of grief because of all of this. I do not want to support or perpetuate this man's image, but at the same time, I don't want to discontinue a story that I've put so much time and effort into. After a lot of deliberation, I've decided that I am going to continue this story until the end. I will also be adding a disclaimer in the pinned post, and I will no longer be tagging any of my posts from here on out with #wilbur soot or any adjacent tags. I don't think it's fair to myself or to anyone else who has enjoyed this blog to waste all the hard work that I have put in, because ultimately this is my project and my story, not his. If you disagree with this, I totally get it, but I ask you to just unfollow and/or block rather than sending me any hate because I promise you that whatever you say about me "supporting" Wilbur Soot by continuing this blog is something I've already considered myself. He is not (active) on Tumblr, he did not receive any of the money I got from stickers, I doubt anyone is looking at this blog and thinking "wow this Wilbur guy seems cool, let me go listen to his music and watch his vods".

Despite this decision, I'll probably still be taking a bit of time to myself to think about things and focus on school. Updates will likely resume in late March or early April.

I hope you can all respect my stance on this, and I want to reiterate how much I appreciate you all for supporting my work. Love you guys <3

[mysteryanimator]

Thought process of Powerful Predatory Deadly Fan-Animatic

(Aka I ramble about how I went about storyboarding this because i have many thoughts)

I haven't done this in a proper while, where I just vomit out how I went about doing this kind of stuff (more so animation) to track progress! I stopped doing it because the self doubt worms were being really loud, but these are fun, so we're bringing this back (maybe)!

“Mystery there’s no way you thought and did all this in the span of 2 weeks with breaks ON TOP OF UNIVERSITY-“ Objection, hyperfixation and the drive to improve is absurd. Not only is this really enjoyable to me that I actively make sure I carve out time for it, but I also want to make sure I strive to do my best at all times. I want to be like my online peers and mutuals :D

(This was me streaming the process to my friends so I could lock in)

This is going to be different from all the other breakdowns because this is not an analysis; this is more of a personal run-through of how I went about it and how I am reflecting upon it! How I storyboard now is very different from how I used to approach it. By all means, I know there could’ve been stronger shot choices, better pacing, etc. There's a lot to improve on, but suffice it to say, between January to now, the difference is night and day.

This will be way more casual and more just a blabber of thoughts. This also means a huge chunk of it is just me word vomiting, which also means if the grammar is somewhat off, I apologise in advance.

Before we start with the actual shots, we have to go through

✨ iteration process and research ✨

While I do have a script, the story beats were as follows:

1. Tera and Mizrak meet in the forest (intent to 'lure out' Olrox via Mizrak)

2. Fight (put pressure heavily on Mizrak)

3. Mizrak says something that reignites Tera's grief and humanity

4. Tera momentarily loses herself, allowing Mizrak to get the upper hand, only to lose it a second later

5. Tera says/does something that reignites Mizrak's fear and humanity

6. Olrox appears, therefore ending the fight/scene

I initially went in with the mindset of this being a somewhat even fight (in every single script draft, Mizrak loses tho LOL). This meant that for me, at least, to keep the fight visually interesting was to have both characters move very differently. For Tera, I looked at ice skaters, ballet, and lyrical because I have a personal preference when fights look like a dance; it’s my most favourite thing ever. It also just establishes from the get-go Tera’s composure and control before I eventually had to break it and make the contrast that much more harrowing.

Mizrak was always going to be rough compared to Tera. I thought an interesting fighting style would be Arnis, a Filipino martial art style that uses sticks or improvised weapons for self defence and combat, which would be a fun a way to extend use of Mizrak's nails (also me, Filipino, just a wanted to finally have an excuse to board it). This would be combined with Muy Thai, break dancing and tinkling (that is so fucking cool for dodging ice). It also kind of already flows into Mizrak's melee sword style because it's very 'wooshy', and I noticed he does a ton of curve-up/down and follows the line of action from his sword. I digress, though.

As you can tell, the action shifted from a somewhat balanced 1-v-1 fight to a "this isn't a fight, this is a trap". This was paired with the horror aspect I was leaning into, which meant I disregarded a ton of my research. However, all the fight styles were not completely lost. They still find themselves using those techniques! Mizrak has shifted to just kind of doing defensive drills without sticks/nails to cement how he’s not used to dealing with magic fights, and he can't repurpose the ice that hits him because it shatters on impact. Tera, I'm not 100% sure if this was the right call for this, but I ended up just making her from the waist down really still until she lept forward. This was to make her seem very inhuman, controlled, and calculated like a predator (wow title) because:

"You've been stalking me for a month. What the fuck do you want?"

I felt like I had to showcase that and give that line proper weight. Like she knew beat for beat what she was doing, purposefully aiming for Mizrak's arms, knowing they'd shatter, throw him off guard, and pin him. Again, I'm not sure if it was the right call, but I wanted it to make it doomed from the start.

This is where I now delve into media-specific research. Since action is not a particularly strong suit, how to actually capture action on screen was challenging BUT fun. So with the addition of the storyboard classes I took (Ae Ri Yoon and Danny Araya are both wonderful teachers, and I learnt sooooo much; their classes are amazing. Ae Ri Yoon runs a class each season so definitely check her out if you want to do action!!) I did research into Legend of Korra. Specifically metal/water/ice bending. I limited it to just ice, cutting out the fire ability because I saw the potential to further the rhetoric of the lack of humanity/warmth in Tera's life. While I'm still not entirely happy with the core fight itself and not very confident about how it was captured, it is a step in the right direction into strengthening that skill. Only with time and more precision I get better at it presumably, LOL.

Even though a huge chunk of actual research went into just staring at LOK and filling my fyp with copious amounts of MMA fighters, I did want to lean onto horror. Often, when I’m doing uni assignments, I have a ton of video essays/films playing as background noise, and for a long while, it has been gothic/folk/religious horror media. After realising the potential of doing 'horror' due to dabbling in it for the Rabbits animatic, I set to properly delve into making this one horror adjacent. While horror/fear is subjective, and I knew I couldn't do true horror justice (also, this is an action scene), I still wanted to take the visual tension they do. I took inspiration from Mike Flannigan and Robert Eggers' work, The Ritutal, along with video games such as Silent Hill, Resident Evil, and the American McGee's Alice franchise. There's probably way more I'm missing out on, but this was simply a mosaic of all the stuff I love in all fairness.

The video essay "The Fear of Transformation" by ProfessionalViral, while it discusses Tokyo Ghoul, made me deeply think of Tera and Mizrak and what I could visually convey about the tragedy of still being human on the inside yet facing the consequences of being a 'monster. ' Unfortunately, that video has been copyrighted to hell and bac,k but it stuck with me a lot and made me still push really heavily on focusing on portraying Tera and Mizrak's anguish, so the "action" of it got smaller and smaller.

✨ process time ✨

I’ll briefly run over how I actually went about it.

For this, I did some explorative thumbnails, and some of them did stick around to the final- such as the framing box shots and Tera's ending monologue. Once I felt confident enough, I laid down roughs or just text placements, knowing what should be happening but not knowing how to visualise it. Some will be sentences, others will be WHOLE PARAGRAPHS just detailing the meaning behind a scene and what specific mood I want. With this board, I ended up jumping around a lot, never solely linearly going from beginning to end. Also, my roughs can be absurdly rough or absurdly clean, which is very funny.

(like dude what)

Also, I wasn't supposed to do shadows/lighting but also this is horror adjacent. I feel like it establishes the more eerie tone I wanted to go for :D

Fun fact: many of the forest shots came from me scoping out irl places for compositions/nature literally any time I went outside. While yes, I had very specific compositions in mind, actually running around was very helpful to figure out the space and understand perspective better since I do struggle with it from time to time🫰

now the moment y'all have probably been waiting for

✨shot breakdowns✨

While I'm not going to go through every scene for this to let people have more free reign to interpret each shoy as they wish, I sat with each individual shot for sooooo long. Trying to figure out why and when to cut, what story beats motivate for entirely new camera positions, etc. Especially with action, it is a new territory for me.

Split diopters!

This was a thing I wanted to play with as it commonly occurs in The Haunting of Bly Manor! Here, I've linked a video essay, but it should take you straight to the section talking about split diopters in the show. If that doesn't work, it is at 41:45!

As Haunting of Bly Manor uses it to highlight empty space, I also wanted to do that to create not only that same unease, but give Tera an immense amount of power over Mizrak even though she's not there, especially in the subsequent shot where a hugeee amount of of the space just nothing but trees, as Mizrak stands closed off with the house.

This here basically answers Mizrak question of "what the fuck do you want?"

Tera is here to dismandle the comforts of homely life for Olrox, which happens to include Mizrak. To get Olrox out of his comfort zone means also taking Mizrak out of it. Also, I wanted to convey that Mizrak is clocking what Tera is putting down, so he's positioned as if he's defending the house. This is also why I wanted to cut to a close-up.

This also becomes a nice moment to come back to because I reuse a very similar set up when Olrox gets introduced into this animatic.

Also, yes, that is a box; it's not a Myst animatic if there are no boxes/framing devices. While the boxes are still somewhat suffocating, as most boxed framing is, each windowed frame communicates wildly different things. Every single character who appears in this animatic has a full body in a specific frame, including Tera.

What I planned to communicate was the following:

Mizrak - He acts as one of the pillars to box in the house rather than being within the frame itself, implying stability and structure. This showcases how he wants to defend the house, however, it also establishes he's the 'weakest' amongst the three characters in this animatic because he's off to the side.

Tera - While using someone else's body as a frame, most of the time, it usually means the other person has more power. It's flipped on its head this time because it all the shots before this one have characters off-center to suddenly being dead in the middle. This breaks up the pattern and therefore breaks up our initial understanding of what's going on (hopefully). Therefore, it creates a lot of tension and unease. Also, Mizrak's legs practically go in the row of the trees, as he's lined up, which is where Tera wants him to be because Mizrak is now predictable. Tera has been stalking Mizrak for a month, as stated before, so she knows Mizrak's patterns and repetitive actions, like the trees showcased.

Olrox - He basically combines both Tera's and Mizrak's boxed frame. He's set off to the side like Mizrak; however, he's in the center of the hole in the wall. He also basically makes the frame himself by using the skulls and he blocks the only exit out of the house, creating an imposing force that puts Tera into a box off to the side. Also, if you compare the Olrox shot with the "(OS) Not exactly" shot, Olrox is placed where the house is, so it really really cements down that this is what Tera/Mephistopheles/Old Man Coyote/"Some other name" was after. It can also suggest a ton of other things relating to Olrox's relationship with Mizrak.

This was very very fun way to establish the character's power dynamics.

While sharing a WIP of the early script, someone mentioned Mizrak's line directly to Tera, and I just had to do a direct comparison. Tera should be allowed to mock him (everything changed for me when Tera was a lot more sassy towards Emmanuel; that was so fun to see that side of her, so I wanted to channel that here).

This camera truck from Tera to Mizrak was really fun! It helped to quickly establish the gist of the fight, with Tera being much larger that she doesn't fit the screen while Mizrak is way in the back and is really small. It also establishes that Tera is intentionally putting pressure on Mizrak to move back because it means they're getting closer to the house.

I also from the getgo wanted to just give a sense of impending traedgy that Mizrak is so fucked. He is losing this fight no matter what; that's the horror aspect of it. Rather than focusing on the horror for the audience, it's the horror for Mizrak that would hopefully seep into the audience because, presumably, I've gotten people to connect with Mizrak before this fight has commenced. Basically, my statement here is, "We're watching a man try to vie for his life." Not only does Mizrak ALMOST DIE, but the sanctity of the home is destroyed. Olrox is the sole reason Tera didn't accidentally overcommit to her grief and rage.

This shot was fun, I feeel like i could've keyed it out more BUT I like what this shot tells. It basically cements Mizrak into a trap and gives him no exit. There's also a momentary pause JUST before Mizrak does a spin around as if he is calculating what to do next but Tera already anticipated it.

Dutch angleeeee as it moves from a close up to a full body, and then we have the contrasting circular motion of the icicles against the straight line of Tera. This was also a very fun shot as it basically establishes how powerful she is and how much control over this entire fight she has. Also dutch angles not only appear more "dynamic" but it also shifts the balance to be uneven to cement how uneven this fight is.

My friend pointed out how this shorthand of Mizrak was just his chest, which is the funniest thing ever because I genuinely didn't know how else to shorthand him, because this is a hahaha what if season 3 had a Tera Mizrak face-off? He'd be wearing different clothes.

This was fun to showcase that while yes Mizrak is a vampire and supernatural, this feels really human, very much still a beginner at this new life (because vampirism in a queer context can mean self-acceptance of what you consider taboo). This was one of the shots I knew I had to keep grounded. Not entirely sure if it was the right call, but I wanted to showcase him being worn down and thought that this was a good way to portray it.

Also, if you watch carefully, all of this is calculated by Tera because again: "If you're worried, I'm not here to kill, and I'm not here for you."

In both of my storyboard classes, they mentioned something about having your "wow" moment. This was one of the intentional ones!

I'm glad people gasped and went, "oh shitttt", alongside the other mizrak eye shots I'll talk about a little bit later. It holds for a bit longer in an uncomfortable way. In a way, it has you questioning what's going to happen next as you grip your chair in fear (hopefully).

I also tossed up the idea of making Mizrak yell/scream, but I wanted to hold off until we got to the second important eye shot of Mizrak. So here, I hopefully gave off the impression of Mizrak trying to maintain control even though he's absolutely terrified. He's in adrenaline mode.

The Jesus implications :D not only do we have the very well-known puncture wounds in the hands, but we have wounds to the left side of his body! I was very close to puncturing his feet to really cement that connection and make it more horrifying how Mizrak was trapped, but I needed them free so he could land a metaphorical/physical gut punch to Tera later on.

In this instance, Jesus and Mizrak knew they were going to die, but they went through with it anyway. I also thought it would be visually interesting that Tera, the sacrificial ram, would be perscuting Mizrak to the cross. Allowing people to infer as they wish from it because that is very heavy symbolism.

I kept ending up doing a lot of cuts to close-ups in this fight, which I don't inherently love, HOWEVER, this fight is extremely emotionally loaded. It was very important to me to capture the faces of the characters, especially when they start verbally wounding each other.

To mirror Mizrak's shot to Tera was sooo important to convey the idea that Mizrak's words really tug deep into Tera, also helping to visualise the fact that if this was to be ever animated, for a few seconds- her vampire pointed ears get hidden and her eyes are shown off properly and it is as if we regain Tera back. For the majority of the scenes, I just intentionally blacked out where Tera's eyes were or just obscured her face a ton with hair.

I'm sure there are more ways to explicitly share their deep, vulnerable human moments besides close-ups, but for now, this is just what I've got, and with time and experimenting more, I'm sure I'll break out of this repetition.

Then we get the GUT PUNCH.

This was important because this is Mizrak's single and only physical attack against Tera, which on paper is REALLY FUNNY, but the mere mention of Maria disarms Tera, translating into Mizrak being able to fight back. I considered him kicking Tera to make you physically wince or some other thing, but I just went for the knee jab into the stomach because it felt the most like a "punch to the gut".

I also just needed another shot that wasn't a close-up. I needed something to pull you out of the close, intimate moment because Tera and Mizrak barely share the same screen space on purpose. It's an uneven fight; they're never going to be level and grounded in the same space, being really disconnected. HOWEVER, was this the best way to portray this disconnect and uneven balance? I'm not entirely sure.

This was me experimenting with switching to two backgrounds and pinning characters to the camera! I thought it was also a nice way to transition from Tera's initial loss and then seeing a gradual but quick switch up, which I thought matched well with this type of camera move.

Admittedly, I got really stuck on how to get Mizrak into the air and create build up for. It was very important to get to this shot. Like, I love how this shot looks and feels, but the build-up before it doesn't feel all the way there (personally) THOUGH, this became a point of i was fully stuck, and I just had to move on. This is supposed to feel like the final blow/strike within the fight before Tera begins to go overkill when they get to the house. Like here, she's won the fight, especially paired with fact that this goes in 'slow mo' and the subsequent scenes are Mizrak smashing into the house.

Which, by the way, THAT WAS SO FUN CAPTURING THAT. While I do realise now I could've made it way more gnarly and have him tumble/hurt more to really push for that Mizrak was completely outmatched, I think this was still cool regardless (I was consuming invincible boards to figure this out lol).

THIS WAS SO FUN.

The Tera monologue was actually one of the first things I planned out, and this close-up shot was important to me to see Mizrak's struggle. Not only was the hand piercing supposed to be one the iconic moments in this fight, Tera turning Mizrak's tears into icicles was also planned to be one of those moments.

Not only is it just cool (pun intended), but it's also directly showcasing how Tera is physically weaponizing his fear and humanity. Much like how Mizrak dug deep into Tera's grief and humanity when mentioning Maria to cause a literal gut punch, Tera is just returning the favor. Just ten times worse, you know. After this, we pair with a tonnnn of extreme closeups and quick cuts to get more of that chaotic feel as if Mizrak's attention is jumping between multiple different things to try and find a way to get out, contrasting this long monologue Tera is going through.

Which Tera is talking about how loved and lucky Mizrak is. I love doing contrasting imagery to audio.

Seeing Olrox BEFORE we actually see him was very important to me here because it somehow breaks the initial tension whilst simultaneously elevating it tenfold. Especially since the line JUST BEFORE the purple glow is "you are far too spoiled by god", only for Olrox, who's straight up associated with Quetzalcoatl, a Mesoamerican deity, to APPEAR.

Also, by this point, Tera has completely WON. Not only has she disarmed Mizrak to feeling human and vulnerable, but she's also brought Olrox to his limit.

When Olrox's genuine appearance occurred, I wanted to do very pulled-out shots, completely contrasting the much more panicked, frantic close-ups. Even the skulls are super skill. Despite this, I still wanted to make it feel quite suffocating but presented it differently to showcase an even more elevated power. Olrox is stronger than both Tera and Mizrak, and he displays that power. Olrox here is grounded, which is why we get 'establishing shots'. Not entirely sure if this is the right term since this isn't the start of a new location/sequence, but it is here to establish the new tone and properly ground us to the setting.

Also, intentionally, I'm not allowing you to see Mizrak. I'm stooping it in mystery (pun intended) to make people question if he's alright or not, and for the rest of the animatic, you just never see his face. I'm ripping that connection from you to make you sit in worry and, therefore, place you in the same headspace as Olrox.

Wow more closeups of side profiles, Myst (im sorry im a sucker for them but I swear it works here... I think)

This was fun because Tera and Olrox understand each other here, but they don't ever look each other in the eye/acknowledge each other's physical presence. Again, going back onto verbally wounding like what Mizrak does, except this one is way more subtle and controlled because again, Tera and Olrox amictably understand each other. They both understand how they are so interwoven with the ones they are loved by, so they know their places are not to kill each other. There's a lot of power in having Olrox let Tera enter the scene and exit it without moving. Double fun fact: the wall in the background have direct lines that Tera crosses over. This is meant to visualise how Tera is really testing Olrox, especially paired with Tera jabbing back at how love in the vampire is a dangerous thing to hold. This makes them both somehow be on the same level playing field, which is why I went for this specific shot of their side profiles back to back (and also why they both have the hair thing that goes across their face)

Holding on this shot was fun, too, because it's akin to holding your breath due to the tension. Any sudden movements and everything falls apart. It's a race to see who breaks first, which ends up being Olrox as we see how his skulls kind of flicker for a moment before dissipating as he looks in horror for Mizrak, which we don't get the luxury of seeing.

And we're done with the shots :D

✨ animatic editing ✨

So I know this portion I don't have to do, but also,

a) It makes the animatic feel that much fully rounded for general viewing

b) I have a background in media analysis and production. I miss doing the production part, like editing LOL

While admittedly I am a much weaker editor/ audio mixer, this was still a fun challenge! This was more self-indulgent than anything.

A fun note is that originally, Duo Seraphim by Monteverdi was going to be the music because it fit sooooo well, especially since a third singer joins later. However, the vibes did not work, and I just stuck to Powerful Predatory Deadly from the Nocturne soundtrack because that also fit really well for the haunting vibes. Also, Tera humming at the beginning was majorly inspired by Death from Puss in Boots: The Last Wish but also other villains who have melodic motifs to signal if they're in a scene before visually seeing them. It is soooo fun. This was also because I wanted it to contrast with how you sense Olrox's presence first with colour (also with an electric hum, but it's not distinct).

Ok now im done. This was supposed to be unserious so i could truly cool down from this animatic. I'm glad people liked this and also that people really enjoyed watching me improve over the last two months, it is superrrr appreciated! The sky is the limit and I know I do have much to improve on, but the final effect of getting people to have takeaways from these animatics and to actually feel something is fantastic. It means I'm definitely going in the right direction :D

Again, thank you guys for reading this really lengthy ramble!! Closing my eyes as i share this and immediately running lol

[liaragaming]

The problem with Solas' view of Mythal

Listen, this has been bugging me for a while, and I finally found a way to articulate it...

In Trespasser, Solas sounds completely devoted to her. And he's so bitter discussing her murder. It's almost like he didn't rebel to free the slaves but to avenge her. (He says he wrote that story "in desperation," so I'm not sure.)

In the Inquisition post credits, he takes Mythal's power, and in his mural he paints it as a betrayal. But it also seems like she gave him permission? She knows he needs her power, and there's no doubt in my mind she could stop him from taking it if she wanted. And we saw her put a soul through the eluvian. She's planned and prepared for this. And he's so wrapped up in his own grief that he doesn't see it.

And she tells him she's "sorry as well." And I don't think she's commiserating with him. It's almost like she's apologizing for something she's done that he doesn't realize? Solas thinks he's done something terrible, but I think he did exactly what she wanted him to do.

Like, I'm sure Solas believes Lavellan loves an idealized version of him that isn't true. But I'm thinking maybe he needs to look into a mirror about Mythal?

We've known Flemeth for three games. She always has a plan. She was waiting for you to come kill her in Origins. Just because she was curious about what you and Morrigan would do. You didn't just happen to be the only Grey Wardens she could save. She hand-picked you. Just like she did Hawke.

And Solas comes to this woman at the end of Inquisition thinking he stabbed her in the back??? Honey, sweetie, do you know this woman at all???

I have so many alarm bells going off in the back of my head.

[a-bottle-of-tyelenol]

Not sure how to properly word this, but I find it really interesting how EPIC!Odysseus subtly equates himself to being among gods, particularly when it comes to empathizing with EPIC!Eurylochus.

In Luck Runs Out, Odysseus specifically tells Eurylochus, “I need you to always be devout and comply with this or we’ll all die in this.” and I find that particularly interesting because “devout” is most often used in relation to religion and belief, as is the structure of complying with the words of a god because death is the only other option. And he does this right after he announces to the world that he is “neither man nor mythical” which inherently puts himself above his men.

Odysseus has moments of hubris, absolutely, but a lot of his more outwardly notable moments of arrogance are replaced with scenes that prefer to highlight his grief and humanity instead (specifically, I think of when he announces his name to the cyclops). It feels like, to me, a lot of Odysseus’ arrogance in EPIC is less straightforward. It’s not him galavanting about how he bested someone, it’s more about how he holds himself and his status above others. That isn’t to say it no longer exists— quite the contrary, actually. Odysseus is objectively selfish, as is Eurylochus and the crew, but just like in the Odyssey, his hubris is absolutely his undoing; it just looks a little different here.

“I took 600 men to war and not one of them died there, in case I needed to remind you.” is a moment where, yes the praise is deserved, but I think it’s a good one to showcase where he subtly uses his own capabilities as a way to diminish the concerns of his crew. It’s important to remember that Odysseus was Athena’s favorite and there are many situations in OG source material where she either saves his life or gives him a leg-up on the competition that he otherwise wouldn’t have had, even in something as benign as a race or game. Odysseus absolutely deserves credit, as he is still very intelligent and Athena picked him for a reason, but I have no doubt in my mind that she was a large reason for why he was even able to accomplish such a feat in the first place. And yet, he attributes it solely to himself here.

Now, it’s pretty evident that the crew are largely unaware of Athena’s interference so I’m not bringing this up to say the crew would side-eye this. I mostly bring it up because of the fact that Odysseus did it at all and how it adds to a reoccurring theme of Odysseus insisting that he is a man while also likening himself as a god. Odysseus’ mantra of being “just a man” is largely not meant to be entirely literal and is supposed to represent his guilt, remorse, empathy, and love— characteristics that are mostly attributed to humanity— but I still think this goes hand in hand with Odysseus as a character wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

You can see this a lot in how Odysseus approaches the gods. In my interpretation, he thinks of himself on some kind of equal terms as them— he thinks that he can win Aelous’ game, he thinks he can outsmart Poseidon, he thinks that he can handle Circe, and he thinks he can argue back with Athena and directly disrespect her because they are equals— friends. Honestly, the only time he doesn’t really do this is in the beginning with Zeus and Astyanax, which is interesting because it is also his interaction with Zeus in Thunderbringer that seems to stop this mindset all-together (I don’t personally think that Odysseus believes himself to be equals with Poseidon in GitW and SHS, which is largely why I believe he won, but that’s a topic for another day).

(Also, outside of the story, you see it in how Jay gives him electric guitar (electronic music is associated with magic), waited like eight songs for the first time we hear Odysseus’ name (a decision similar to how we never actually hear ‘Zeus’ and is even highlighted by the way that he reveals Athena’s identity in Warrior of the Mind and not his own), and how he has a song with his name (just like the monsters do). This isn’t super relevant, I just think it’s interesting.)

Anyways, regardless of how right he is about these things (because, admittedly, he often is), it says a lot about him and how he perceives the situation he’s in that he can think these things at all.

Something else that’s interesting to note: likening yourself to a god, even indirectly, is really bad culturally. The gods find it disrespectful and that’s why you see a lot of myths or moments about people being punished for saying that they’re as or more beautiful than Aphrodite, as or more strong than Ares, as or more smart than Athena. In the Odyssey, Telemachus visits someone’s palace (I think it was Menelaus but ngl I don’t remember) and he whispers about how it must be what the palace of the gods looks like because of how glorious it is and he is immediately corrected because doing something like that is really bad and is usually/always seen as disrespectful to the gods.

Which brings me back to Eurylochus, a regular guy who has the experiences of someone without divine blood or intervention and also watches as his captain and king, even indirectly, puts himself on a level where he does not belong. Odysseus, as incredible as he is, is not nearly as divine as he makes himself out to be. He’s the great-grandson of Hermes— not the son, not even the grandson, the great-grandson— and he is the king of Ithaca, a small island that isn’t actually all that wealthy. In Ancient Greece standards, he’s not hot shit enough to warrant this belief, and Eurylochus knows that.

Obviously, Athena’s mentorship does change things a bit, but I wonder how much of Odysseus’ inherent belief that he is above his fellow man leaked into his behaviors. How obvious was it to Eurylochus, to his crew? How do you go from seeing someone like Achilles or Sarpedon with direct links to godhood that fell despite their parentage, and someone like Odysseus, who is touched by the divine but not even half as close as the others? How do you watch them fall and then see Odysseus continuously getting too close to the very things that have killed so many heroes before?

It isn’t just that Eurylochus is a normal man— it’s the fact that he views Odysseus as one as well, and Odysseus’ actions, despite what he continually insists throughout the show, do not portray that of a normal man. Normal men do not ask for direct help from a being that does not care whether they live or die. Normal men do not face off against fucking Poseidon without backing down. Normal men do not charge in against a sea witch without any aid and expect to win. Normal men do not get to make the decisions of fate— of who lives and dies— and remain blameless.

Odysseus told him to listen, yes, but he also put himself on to a pedestal that his crew had no way of knowing was true. To them, he was a regular man doing things that would have gotten regular men killed— and it did, it just wasn’t Odysseus who died because of it.

[sweetlotusprince]

Why didn't Nezha want to reform his body as his grown demon form?

Among the many comedic scenes in 哪吒之魔童闹海 (Nezha 2, Jiaozi, 2025), one of my personal favourites is the one at the beginning of the film where Nezha and his family throw around a bunch silly requests for the ideal appearance of his new body. You got street fighter-level swole, you got danmei pretty boy, you got porcelain figure precious cinnamon roll cute, all culminating in the most charmingly funkiest little guy at the end.

I think it is not only a great reinterpretation of what happens in the original story, but it gives some clever insight into Nezha's character while also establishing one of the core themes of the film. This is because of something, or rather someone, that was not included in the sequence that would have theoretically made all their wishes come true.

And that is his demon form (少年哪吒).

I believe there a few interconnected reasons for this choice.

Firstly, it provides characterization to tie the two films together, and reveals that Nezha does not see that version of himself as who he truly is and want to be. Although that form is what helped him to save his family and village in the first film, 哪吒之魔童降世 (Jiaozi, 2019), it is also what attacked the family that he loves and respects, and what has caused them so much grief in the first place. His sensitivity towards his demon identity and appearance throughout the second film (Jiaozi, 2025) could then be understood as a reflection of this negative association. In the scene where Nezha was suppose to meet his brothers, he could not even bring himself to face them because he thought his appearance could not possibly be suitable. Afterwards, Nezha laments to Aobing about how much of who he is, especially as a demon, has been a burden to his family. Consequently, he declares he wants to become an immortal to leave that part of him behind. His appearance as a sore point also surfaces during the second trial, where he dejectedly pouts that the dark circles around his eyes were something he was born with rather than a particular choice in lifestyle he has made. This aspect of choice is a fundamental aspect of his character. In the first film, one of his defining thematic lines is

我命由不由天。是魔是仙，我自己說了才算！ "I am the master of my fate. I'm the one who decides whether I'm an immortal or demon!" (Official English subtitles)

No one decides for him. He is someone who will defy the fate given to him and choose his own path. In the second film, we see him begin to embark on this path of self determination as he initially chooses against his demon identity in order to become someone he believes to be better, not just for himself but those close to him.

Moreover, it serves to humanise him as a character. Instead of seeing him reform with arms blazing, noble as a bright new day right from the start, we see him struggle and waver. In the interview with 中国电影报道 （Movie News, 2025）, Nezha 2 director, Jiaozi, makes a point that Nezha cannot become a stereotypical and "superficial" hero "who floats around after shouting slogans".

我们不能让哪吒脸谱化 / 不能让他成为一个虚浮的 / 喊着口号之后一个漂浮的人物

He additionally presents the question:

你说这内心要强大到什么份上 / 才能够完全不管别人的评价 “You say, how strong must one's heart must be to completely ignore others' opinions" (Official English subtitles)

To never doubt oneself again after a single experience of self-affirmation, would not be true to life. Human life and "real human nature is complex" (Official English subtitles) (Movie News, 2025).

但这人性 真实的人性是复杂的

Everyone goes through their periods of doubt and insecurity. You can tell yourself that the opinions of others do not matter and to not care about way others say, just like what Nezha says his father told him in the first film (Jiaozi, 2019)

别人的看法都是狗屁 / 你是谁只有你自己说了再算 / 这是爹教我的道理 Other people's opinions are bullshit. You are the only one who controls what you become. That's what my father taught me! (Official English subtitles).

However, eventually those opinions will start to weigh on you. Human prejudice is like a "mountain" as Shen Gongbao states in the first film afterall (2019).

人心中的成见像一座大山，任你怎么努力都休想搬动

For Nezha to be a compelling character that is true to life, he must "experience such a inner process" of doubt and anxiety (Official English subtitles) (Movie News, 2025).

所以哪吒他一定会经历这种真实的内心的过程

Anything less would be far too "fake" (Movie News, 2025). Seeing how Nezha struggles over who he is and then finally overcomes it,then becomes even more captivating to watch. When he says the following line that is emblematic of the second film's main theme:

小爺是魔 那又如何 "I am a demon. What of it." (My translation)

he is defying all his self doubt and the world's prejudice to accept who he truly is, and chooses to carve out a new path as himself in a world where such a path does not exist. It can also be said that his self acceptance is rooted in his choice to accept his mother's love for him. From the very start she never cared whether he was a demon or human. Nor did she begrudge Nezha for any pain and hardship she might had to endure because of it. He was always just "her son," whom she wanted to protect (Jiaozi, 2025). Watching Nezha's journey and how his demon form was utilized to provide closure to his character arc, is a wonder to experience.

Nezha puts it best himself in that comedic scene. When Nezha takes up the knife to carve up his new body, he gleefully notes that doing something yourself or "DIY" is most "satisfying" (Jiaozi, 2025). In the same vein, it would only be satisfying for the audience to see his demon form again when Nezha chooses to find his place in it. What he ended up making may not be the ideal form he first envisioned, but it certainly is the most "promising" version of him (Jiaozi, 2025).

Bibliography

Jiaozi. (Director). (2019). 哪吒之魔童降世 [Nezha: Birth of the demon child] [Film]. Chengdu Cococartoon et al.

Jiaozi. (Director). (2025). 哪吒之魔童鬧海 [Nezha 2: The demon child strikes the sea] [Film]. Chengdu Cococartoon et al.

MUSICKAKI (Reuploader and English subtitler). (2025). 《哪吒之魔童闹海》导演饺子专访 3：把每一部作品都当成最后一部作品来创作 | Interview Ne Zha director Jiaozi (with subtitles) 🗣️🎙️ [Interview with director Jiaozi 3: To make each work as if it is your last] [Video]. Youtube. Link.

[nierly-amazing]

Controversial opinion: Nier Automata's story would have benefited a lot from the creative freedom of being an indie game with more queer & disabled writers, and writers from heavily colonized places

Probably less controversial to those who are still following my gay ass.

It already manages to be a masterpiece on it's own but there's always going to be constraints in big budget games to appeal to a wider audience--like the rumor/fact/idr that 9S was going to be a girl initially but got changed. There's a lot of good input queer and disabled creatives could have offered from their life experiences and how it relates to some of the transhumanist themes in the game. A lot of people seem to forget the machines have been colonizing earth and genociding the androids for 6000 years and those themes could have been expanded on more too.

Like yay we get lesbian 6O and implied trans Pascal but it doesn't really go anywhere with them. The anime does go more into Pascal and machines swapping parts and 9S completely dismissing it but then they never touch on it again (unless they still plan to but with 4 episodes left I doubt it). I want to see 9S have a crisis over it, (and 2E 2B have a crisis over him having a crisis about it).

It'd be interesting to see more a of a discrepancy between high-end porcelain doll yorha models and underfunded ancient Resistance androids. They all look like normal humans. Even the ship of theseus trader guy with the bad leg looks like a regular android. Give me some androids with fucked up body mods that causes 9S to have another crisis (because this boy can fit so many crises in him). Something something parallels with relationships to gender something something 9S is trans and transphobic--doesn't understand the FEEELINGS or what to do about them.

Yorha could have much stricter rules on body modification that's drilled into the android's heads from day one and then they see the machines swap parts with no reservations and resistance androids swap parts with some reservations. Even the whole "emotions are prohibited" thing could be touched on more with more internal struggle in 9S over his inability to act emotionless, and perhaps touch on the point of conflict with 2B who poorly pretends to have her emotions in check.

Maybe some conflict between the machines in pascals village and how rigid they are in trying to emulate humans. Like a group trying to emulate rigid gender roles despite not having assigned genders or sex characteristics, and a group that just does whatever. Like "no you have to choose" but also "humans didn't choose (mostly) so who cares".

And then there's the fact that most machines in pascal's village are not fully sapient, or are maybe coded as children still learning the world and something something its 1am something something how much should their level of sapience matter

Even with 9S's memory "issues" we only have 1 moment in the anime where he has a flash of past memories. Imagine if his descent into grief-stricken madness in route C had his old deleted memories start resurfacing and mixing with his current ones. Or maybe the machine network had copies of some of them and used them to torment him more.

Imagine if they showed Anemone and Devpop try harder to help him but weren't able to due to them not fully understanding what he's going through and their own hangups about machines. Imagine him being unable to really open up to anyone because he doesn't fully understand what he's going through.

9S """racism""" toward machines isn't at all unique to him. They've been genociding the androids for 6000 years, everyone hates them. I want to see more opinions from resistance androids, especially regarding pascal's village. Even Anemone/Lily aren't completely fine with the idea of trading with machines but are basically forced to out of desperation since the council of humanity left them on read. I want to see more of their internal strife with the concept. I want to see some conflict between resistance and yorha androids, too, and conflict within the resistance over the idea of aiming for a peace treaty.

There could also be some good conflict between 2B and 9S over 2B's willingness to just "accept" pascal's village. Since they both have valid points for their opinions (2B's a big softie and doesn't want to fight and 9S sees pacifist machines 'suddenly' popping up after 6000 years as a mega giganto trap (and why wouldn't he?)).

I would have liked to see more interactions with other androids and how they manage in a posthuman world and them trying to replicate humanity from 11,000 years ago. We have little bits and pieces like the bit where the operators give commander a bunch of brown things for valentine's day instead of chocolates.

Oops I thought I was gonna write like 2 paragraphs but I blacked out and wrote an essay. It's late I might expand on this tomorrow but here's some stuff 2 think about

(and bonus extra controversial opinion but it's kinda fucked up that there's the whole theme about robot sentience and then you can go stab fish in the face for fun and kill moose and boar for a quest so an android--who doesn't need to eat at all--can try eating them. Like here we are arguing about fictional robot sentience and then ignoring actual real animal sentience in our daily lives to the point where we don't even question how messed up killing them for non-survival reasons is)

[moutheyes]

Us, Perfect 10 Liners, and other scattered QL thoughts

Although I've been pretty good about tracking and keeping my MDL notes organized this year, I haven't done one of these posts in a while, but the finale episodes of Us and Perfect 10 Liners have converged in a single weekend so now's a good opportunity to sort out some thoughts about recently watched QL and do a first quarter-ish summary:

The year so far:

Total series completed: 18 (11 current year, 7 backlist)

Country breakdown: Thailand (14), Japan (4) oops lol dw I'm starting a Korean show this week

Highest rated of 2025: Gelboys, and it won't be surpassed

Lowest rated of 2025: Petrichor

Highest rated backlist: Be My Favorite

Lowest rated backlist: My Personal Weatherman

Original script counter: 5

OK onto the meat. Spoilers for recently ended shows under the cut!

Us

This series was not just a love story, but a love letter to the pain of grief, the torment of abandonment, the grace of healing, the transcendence of mutual love, the warmth of a true community, and the fulfillment of finding or forging one's own family. While some of the saccharine parts in the middle episodes did feel a little overwrought to me, I loved the buildup to the final act, the resolution made sense, and any growth in these characters was hard-earned. In a story with less conviction behind it, dokrak's independence might have been muted due to external conflicts, or the romantic overtones might have clashed with the family drama, but here it was well-balanced; everything naturally dovetailed with each other in service of the larger themes of the show.

I could spend paragraphs alone on how solid the surrounding cast was. Grandma Bua's even-keeled outlook on life and death was one of the most poignant parts of the show, and Kawi was just absolutely marinated in eldest-sibling melancholy (Sing did the role so much justice). Under the sure-handed direction of p'Fon, this show tackled difficult themes in a wonderfully measured way, not shying away from trauma and dysfunction and suffering but never plunging the audience into true despair either. Loneliness was always countered by companionship, doubt soothed by affirmations, and the central romance between Pam and Dokrak underpinned all of that. I really think EmiBonnie is my favorite GL pairing to date—they delivered magnetic natural chemistry and some of the best sapphic intimacy we've seen in Thai QL, even when they weren't touching. (Also some really nice OST tracks!) I'm so excited to see what they do next.

Initial rating: 9.25

Perfect 10 Liners

This is one of those shows that I find myself having to evaluate based purely on the story and characters alone, because p'New's many, ah, idiosyncrasies as a director are a feature rather than a bug at this point, and I find it tiresome to rehash. But unlike the frictionlessness of We Are (his last project for GMMTV—I've only experienced Fourever You through fmvs and gifsets which I gather is for the best), the omnibus structure of Perfect 10 Liners had built-in vibe shifts, which worked to its favor. I must admit that the ArmArc story left absolutely no impression on me, but YothaGun and FaifaWine got progressively stronger and more compelling, thanks to the ability to develop these sets of characters across longer periods of time as well as more entangled familial relationships.

What the last two sections of the show did so well was balance its farcical + comedic elements with heavier storytelling, in the form of Yotha and Faifa's family hangups. This gave their characters more depth, reinforced by tremendous acting from Perth and Junior in those roles, which in turn enhanced the romantic dynamics and complementary healing for these two pairs in particular. The last half of FaifaWine's arc was especially satisfying, as the larger group dynamics came into play, and the final episode was honestly a riot. Completely corny and unserious, but still managed to tie a tidy bow around everyone's stories. (Except you, Pipo. GMMTV I am begging—nay, demanding—that the twins get their own comedy series in 2026. I don't care if it's QL or the most heterosexual thing ever, I think it could fix me.)

Initial rating: 7.25

And to close out, a few thoughts about some recent backlist watches (ratings in parentheses):

I finished Reverse 4 You yesterday; it was one of my list of series to catch up on (two down!), and luckily the sequel just finished airing so I can move immediately to that one. So I think I'll do a bigger write-up after finishing Reverse with Me aha sorry for the fakeout.

Fine, a real review: Be My Favorite blew me away. It is so rare to get a genre mashup BL that doesn't skimp on any of its components. BMF is a speculative coming-of-age romcom, and it delivers on all fronts thanks to a truly excellent script. I was surprised by how much I genuinely enjoyed the character work; Kawi and Pisaeng's storylines were already incredibly rendered, but the show made me care deeply about Pear, Max, Kwan, all the way down to the parental figures. It took a compassionate approach to the thesis that everyone makes mistakes in life, and everyone is bound to experience disappointment, but kindness and honesty can be a powerful salve. The optimism wasn't cloying, either, because they were lessons learned organically from each character's journey. Finally, the subverted time skip trope made me happy, the title track is one of my favorites across all GMMTV shows, and the acting was top-to-bottom stellar. (9.5)

So, I had friends telling me how good BMF was even while it was airing (thanks @merryfuture ilu), and I think part of me knew that I was keeping it on the shelf for a time when I'd truly be ready to appreciate it. And that time was after finally watching the entirety of SOTUS from start to finish and thus gaining appreciation for Krist's specific niche of BL blorbo—a project that was spurred on by some thoughtful, thorough posts from @maybe-boys-do-love and @thebroccolination (among others? sorry if I've forgotten). I have a ton of notes for these series, but to try and keep this post from spiraling totally out of control, I'll just say that SOTUS should be required viewing for anyone who wants to understand how the uni campus functions as not only a backdrop but a site of possibility in Thai BL; it also had an underrated and excellent slow burn—if a show is going to maintain a low simmer for that long, heat is still required, and between Singto's searing gaze and Krist's clenched jaw, the tension was electric. However, it's SOTUS S—and specifically Arthit's growth in this new phase of his life, that I hold dearest to me. Removing him from the campus setting, where he had seniority and power and—most importantly—a considerable level of comfort, meant he had to start from square one when it came to social interactions and finding his footing, and his relationship with Kongpob intertwined with those conflicts nicely. Character of all time, maybe. (8.0, 8.25)

Thank you for reading!

[rwbyrg]

Hello again! I was wondering, in your own opinion, what moment(s) for both Oscar and Ruby, really implied that there was much more going on with the two character, in the sense that their relationship was starting to evolve? Also what do you like about those moments? To add, do you think we will see it much more in volume 10?

Hello!! I think, generally speaking, all of their focused scenes imply there's more going on or that their relationship is evolving in some way. RWBY doesn't have filler. So when characters - especially ones as central to the narrative as these two - get focused screen time together (and romance-y tropes), it's done with intention.

Ruby's arc is about many things, but especially about how she's pretty much the last silver eyed warrior that can face Salem. Meanwhile, Oscar's arc is about defining who he is while under a curse that robs him of his identity. And in their first meeting, Oscar comments on Ruby's eyes, and she asks him who he is. Even their first lines to each other are mirrored in how they're spoken!

This scene really shows that their character arcs linked from the very beginning.

We get all the stuff I mentioned in my last post and more and none of it is necessary to do if it's not building up to something. Which it very clearly is.

I have no doubts we'll get to see more of their shared story in V10 onward. The V9 epilogue - what was supposed to be the final episode of the season - works as both a closing point for the Atlas arc, and a kick off for the Vacuo one. It's setting the stage for what is to come. A non-extensive list of what we know we're getting so far:

Nora's and Winter's character arcs; both of them struggling with responsibility, grief, and guilt.

Weiss will almost certainly be getting some focus by extension of that as well. Especially because her arc has always been about her family.

Ren being more open and trying harder to support those around him.

Qrow, more hopeful than he's ever been before and how much it's propelling him forward.

And then we have Oscar.

Oscar and the merge. Oscar Pine, Little Prince, pining at Ruby's grave in the desert. I talk about this set up a lot, and it's difficult to explain succinctly because it's got a lot of complex pieces at play (and has been going on since their meeting, as mentioned above). But if I were to try and break it down as simply as possible:

Ruby's fatal flaw is her grief. Her silver eyes are powered by, and the embodiment of, the preservation of life. She doesn't want to lose anyone else that she cares about and cannot bear the weight of responsibility that comes with it alone. So much so that she almost abandons her own identity via ascension because she is offered the choice to do so. She stays true to herself in the end as someone that fights, not for those she's lost, but for those she hasn't lost yet. And the narrative, through all their interactions, but especially the Tea Party, has placed Oscar front and centre in the position of who Ruby hasn't lost yet. Oscar, who wants nothing more than to be a part of the team that he keeps pushing away. Oscar, who just wants to be who he is, to preserve himself, but is being robbed of that choice via the merge. Something Ruby, can't protect him from.

RWBY loves to make its pairings thematically complimentary and it loves pushing characters to their limits. There is no way that the scenes and setup between Oscar and Ruby haven't been intentionally building to something big with how much their respective and shared conflicts are directly playing off of each other. There is no way CRWBY - with their limited budget and resource constraints - dedicated all that screen time to these two for it to not pay off at some point. And given this arc is the last one... now's a good a time as any for it to happen.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

lord steph the 3st! my highness!

may thee bestow upon us a pamphlet of works that ney a soul hath asked for thus far?

*kisses your hand*

LOVELY YOU'RE PERFECT. I genuinely didn't have anything ready for this weekend, and this ask is great so I can copy-paste one of my other lists 💜🖤

Check out today's list; it's a continuation of another list that I posted earlier this year that had too many fics on it so I had to pull this section out to make a part 2. If anyone has a fic to add, please do! Enjoy!!!

INTROSPECTION / CHARACTER STUDIES Pt 2 (MFLs / WiPs)

See also: Introspection / Character Studies

MARKED FOR LATER

Know Him Better by methylviolet10b (T, 450 w., 1 Ch. || ACD Holmes || 221B Ficlets, Introspection) – Holmes and Watson each reflect on how the other is viewed.

Hyperballad by PlantsAreNeat (G, 893 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, Feels, Drugs, POV Sherlock) – Sherlock has bought cocaine after his doubts and fears about his and John's new relationship prey on his mind. Not exactly a danger night, but not not one either.

i can hear it in your voice while you're speaking (you can't be treated) by highfunctioningsociopath (M, 2,500 w., 1 Ch., Post T6T, Depression, Hurt/No Comfort, Pining Sherlock, Relapsing / Drug Addiction, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Missing Scene, Introspection, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms) – The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, after all. It just so happens to be lined with self-destruction. Part 1 of the wires series

lionheart by dreamweavernyx (G, 4,851 w., 1 Ch. || Harry Potter Crossover || Character Study, Friendship) – Some days, Molly finds her eyes straying to that drawer in her desk, the one holding a slim piece of wood and the memories of a life she's left behind.

wires Series by highfunctioningsociopath (M, 5,000+ w. across 2 works || Series WiP || Post T6T / TLD, Angst, Hurt / No Comfort, Loneliness, Mind Palace, Survivor Guilt, Mental Health Issues, Drug Addiction / Abuse, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Sherlock POV, Missing Scenes, Introspection, Psychological Trauma, Abusive Relationships, Grey Mary, Withdrawal, Depression, Self-Esteem Issues) – The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, after all. It just so happens to be lined with self-destruction. (stories currently in series completed)

The Gun Drawer (Ch10) by CarmillaCarmine (M, 5,985 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF, Five Stages of Grief, Suicidal John, Angst, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Introspection) –  A dive into John’s chaotic mind as he reminisces on the first 18 months after Sherlock’s fall. Part 10 of the The Memoirs of Dr. John H. Watson series

Breathe by LoloLolly (T, 8,517 w., 1 Ch. || HLV Fix-It, Grief, Angst, Temporary Character Death, Canon-Typical Violence, Mary is Not Nice, Feelings Realization, Character Study, Blood Mention, Vomit Mention) – In which Sherlock's death is announced a bit...  prematurely in HLV. Things spiral from there.

50 Ways to Feed Your Lover Series by bbcatemysoul (M, 10,509+ w. across 4 works || Series WiP || S3 Divergence / Non Compliance, Light Dom/Sub, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, First Time, Angst, Introspection, Fluff, Masturbation, Developing Relationship, Feeding Kink, Jealousy, Hurt/Comfort) – Sherlock discovers that he deeply appreciates the lengths John will go to in order to keep him fed. (stories currently in series completed)

A Midnight Clear by khorazir (T, 13,120 w., 1 Ch. || Christmas-Carol Inspired || Post S3/Post-TLD / TFP Doesn't Exist, Christmas, Angst, Fluff, Pining, Canon-Typical Violence, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Implied / Referenced Drug Use, Magical Realism) – It’s Christmas Eve, and Sherlock is working. Because that’s what he does. He doesn’t need Christmas, or holiday cheer, or even company. He’s fine on his own, thank you very much – until a series of strange encounters on his way back to Baker Street makes him reconsider.

Just Sherlock by Ranowa (T, 13,720 w., 1 Ch. || Post TFP, Big Brother Mycroft, Protective Mycroft, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Character Study, Repressed Memories, Implied Mystrade) – Post-TFP, John and Mycroft have a much-needed discussion about a struggling Sherlock.

I Heard You Series by Gregorovitch (T, 22,313 w. across 6 works || Unseen Moments, Introspection, Alternating POV, Canon Compliant, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Declarations of Love, Conversations, Angst, Grief/Mourning) – All those times when Sherlock and John could have found each other in various episodes...

Nothing Gold Series by Raina_at (E, 27,901+ w. across 3 works || Series WiP || Friends to Lovers, Grief, Mentions of PTSD, Introspection, Domestic Fluff, Blow Job, Relationship Discussions, Developing Relationship, Bisexuality) – What do you do when you can't go back? Do you hold on? Or do you let go? (stories currently in series completed)

Red Number Day by PipMer (M, 39,325 w., 7 Ch. || Magical Realism AU || Friends to Lovers, Light Humour, Minor Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Sow Burn, Angst, Light Fluff, Character Study, First Kiss/Time) – In a world where everybody has a set deathday, Sherlock Holmes is the only person who can see them. As with most talents, it's both a blessing and a curse. Because Death is a fixed point. Indelible, unchangeable, inevitable. It can't be altered, cheated or delayed.

A Thing With Peas by khorazir (M, 39,357 w., 3 Ch. || Post-S3/Post-TLD/TFP Doesn't Exist, Fluff and Angst, Communication, Demisexual Sherlock, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Idiots in Love, Friends to Lovers, Developing Relationship, Implied / Referenced Drug Use, Parentlock, First Kiss) – Sherlock does the laundry. John cooks a thing with peas. They talk. Finally.

Mind the Gap by orphan_account (E, 45,089 w., 6 Ch. || Victor Trevor, Dubious Consent, POV First Person Sherlock, Character Development, Friendship, Pining Sherlock, Fluff, Introspection, Parent Death, Vulnerable Sherlock, Doctor John, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Child Abuse, Implied Sexual Abuse, Domestic Abuse) – An introspective journey through the life and relationships of Sherlock Holmes. "I can hear the bones hum beneath pale and freckled skin, this sack that holds my form together. Bits and pieces that start at the bottom and end at the top, hiding the blood, muscle, fat. Cells, knit together, constantly in motion. They'll live and die, and replicate, until total equilibrium is met."

All These Things That I've Done by Ewebie (E, 55,913 w., 15 Ch. || Pre-ASiP, John-Centric, Angst, John’s Past, Doctor John, Soldier John, Jolto, Deaths, John’s Injury, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Major Character Death, Character Study/Meta Fic) – How Everything is always John Watson's fault. A study of John Watson's life before Sherlock Holmes. 

The Cold Song Series by Eldritchhorrors (E, 72,586+ w. across 7 works || Series WiP || BDSM Themes, Psychological Drama, Music/Violin, Romance, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Anal, Character Studies) – This is how broken people fall in love...

noise complaint by simplyclockwork (E, 85,324 w., 28 Ch. || Younger Characters AU / Alternate First Meeting || Uncertain Sherlock, Strangers to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Night Clubs, Case Fic, Fluff, Humour, Past Substance Abuse, Gay Club, Mild Angst, Introspection, Family Issues, Meddling Mycroft Controlling Mycroft, Bed Sharing, Family Angst, Acceptance, Falling in Love, Queerness, Community) – One loud upstairs neighbour and three days of non-stop party music lead Sherlock to an unexpected meeting.

The Good Morrow Series by greywash (E, 216,513 +w. across 5 works || Series WiP || Post-TRF Divergence, Horny John, Smut, Feelings, Negotiations, Christmas/Advent, Sherlock is a Mess, Relationships, Addiction Issues, PTSD, Therapy, Injury, Aging, Loneliness, Marriage, Family, Friendship, POV Second Person, Travel, Character Studies, Imagined Sex, Love, Multiple Pairings) – A post-S2 series where everyone has a lot of feels about everything and plausibility is stretched unto breaking. Also: fucking. (stories currently in series completed)

NUTRISCO ET EXTINGUO by Zoffoli (M, 327,772 w., 53 Ch. || Alternating Second Person POV, Post-TRF, Character Study, Romance, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Humour, Mystery) – "You haven't said what you wanted to say." Well yes, some things take you by surprise, and you're not quite prepared for them. Like when your best friend jumps off a building in front of you.

WORKS IN PROGRESS

You're more than what happened to you (Over teatime) by writing5ever (T, 4,377+ w., 4/5 Ch. || WiP || Character Study, Tea, Developing Relationship, Asexual Sherlock, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Drug Use, Four and One) – Four Times John and Sherlock talk about feelings over tea. And One time where they don't have to. - OR - a character study on Sherlock Holmes done through a plotless storyline.

A Piece of Eight Series by by KtwoNtwo (T, 30,562+ w. across 5 works || Series WiP || One Piece Space AU || Character Study, Space Pirates) – Mankind has spread out through the galaxy on ships with solar sails and jump drives. Here be tales about a particular sector of the galaxy where the Commonwealth of New Britannia is adjacent to a gravitational anomaly commonly referred to as the Red Line. Avast all ye spacers, batten down the hatches and prepare for interesting weather; its a space AU crossover between One Piece and Sherlock.

The Edge of the Sea by weeesi (E, 46,455+ w., 14/? Ch. || WiP || Pre/Post-TRF, POV John, Angst, Complicated Relationships, Pining John, Jealous John, Victor Trevor, Grief/Mourning, John's Trust Issues, Closeted John, Character Study, Panic Attacks) – Sherlock is dead. The next week passes in a blur. Mycroft invites John not to come to the funeral if he’d like, except for the fact that Mrs Hudson needs an escort and he’d really rather get through it than wonder forever what it would have been. He goes, and sits, and contains, and pours a cup of scalding-hot coffee down his throat which he hopes will burn down the tumble of nerves and anger and the type of sick-sadness he can’t examine too closely and the other feelings he won’t even acknowledge. He misses not missing him all the same. John spends the next two years alone. Sherlock doesn't.

Shatter Me by Loveismyrevolution (E, 183,191+ w., 22/26 Ch. || WiP || Sherlock Dances, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Angst with Happy Ending, Misunderstandings, Introspection, Mutual Pining, UST, Idiots in Love, Big Brother Mycroft, Implied Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions) – This is a story about two men trying to find their way back into the comfort of their companionship. No easy task in the aftermath of the events of Reichenbach, a wedding and a shot through the heart. They are facing a very rocky road ahead with a lot of introspection, misunderstandings, angst and pining. They each try to cope in their own particular way. Eventually, they'll find a way to communicate and learn about the true nature of their feelings.

[demigod-shenanigans]

Force of Nature

As previously announced, have a little part 2/Piper POV aftermath for the Pipeyna fic I posted yesterday! There are still some mentions of grief, but overall this is way more light-hearted than the first part, hence why I split it. I liked the thought of a more light-hearted “epilogue” and being able to have Leo tease Piper a little, so here you go!

———

Chapter 2

Okay. There was a gorgeous girl asleep in Piper’s bed. A gorgeous girl who had told Piper she was lucky to have her on her side, and grateful to have met her. Piper was going to be so normal about this.

If Piper had had any lingering doubts about her sexuality, they’d been vaporized somewhere between Reyna lovingly rambling about appropriate pegasus care and getting to spend ages running her hands through Reyna’s hair. RIP heterosexuality. It would not be missed.

Reyna had been a hurricane of emotions when Scipio had died. Piper wasn’t sure if the others had felt it, but for her it had been impossible to ignore—the way the grief had rolled off Reyna in waves, dragging up Piper’s own feelings of grief from when her grandfather had passed away. Even with the limited time she’d spent around Reyna up until that point, it hadn’t been hard to guess that Reyna wouldn’t want anyone watching, so Piper had run interference, making sure she could have her moment of grief in as much peace as was possible under the circumstances. 

But she also hadn’t wanted Reyna to be alone with that grief. It had been too much to carry for one person—that much had been obvious from the way it had spilled over to Piper. 

She hadn’t been sure if Reyna would trust her enough to let her help. But Reyna had, and suddenly they’d been sitting in Piper’s room, on her bed. All the grief Reyna’s hurricane emotions had brought back for Piper had also brought back the memories of how her and her dad had dealt with that grief. Of that night camping out under the stars, her dad telling her stories about his father until it was way past Piper’s bedtime.

Piper had been able to give Reyna that. A space to feel everything she needed to. A space to remember.

And, well, if Piper got to know her better and just managed to fall even more in love with her in the process… that was for future Piper to worry about.

Current Piper had been perfectly content listening to Reyna tell stories about Scipio and Camp Jupiter in that soft, fond voice. She could have kept listening to her forever. 

That was unfortunately completely unreasonable. They did sort of have a world to save.

Besides, Reyna had obviously been exhausted, and Piper couldn’t exactly pull a Penelope, doing and undoing Reyna’s braid repeatedly for the next ten years just because she wanted her to keep talking. She’d already done it a few more times than she probably should have.

In Piper’s defense, talking about Scipio had obviously helped Reyna, so it hadn’t purely been selfish. She had felt the way Reyna’s churning emotions had started to settle, until all that was left beneath the grief was just love. That had been too big for Reyna to contain by herself, too—her entire soul had lit up in the process.

Getting to see that side of Reyna—a side that Reyna clearly didn’t show to many people—made Piper giddy with joy. She wasn’t sure she’d survive the day she figured out how to properly make her laugh. She might simply have a terrible gay heart attack and drop dead on the spot.

“Piper’s in loveeeee,” Leo sing-songed the second she stepped into his room/glorified workshop that had a bed in it by pure coincidence. “How’s princess charming?”

Piper blushed furiously. “Shut up. It’s not like that.”

“It so is. You are literally carrying around her armor.”

“Yeah, well, her armor needs fixing, and I thought I have a capable, if very annoying, son of Hephaestus for a best friend, so.” Piper shrugged, placing the dented armor down on her friend’s work table.

“You put me on armor duty?” Leo whined. “Piper! I’m gonna be bored out of my mind! You know I hate doing basic repair stuff.”

“Unfortunately, you’re the only one here who’s capable of doing basic repair stuff, so. Consider it payback for teasing me.” Piper immediately realized her mistake when Leo’s entire face lit up. “Don’t even think about it. That goes for past teasing only.”

“Sorry, Beauty Queen. No take-backs.” He beamed at her. “I’ve decided I get to tease the hell out of you for the rest of the day now. Which you totally deserve, by the way.”

“I don’t-”

“I can’t believe you dumped Jason because you’re in love with his ex.” Leo shook his head. “The poor guy is sensitive! He’s never gonna recover!”

“I’m not- they never-” Piper sputtered, giving Leo an exasperated look. “And for the record, Jason dumped me.”

“Hang on, really?” Leo looked genuinely surprised, but he quickly fixed his expression back into a teasing smile. “Was it because you wouldn’t shut up about Reyna?”

“It wasn’t about Reyna!” Piper groaned. “Okay, I thought him breaking up with me was about Reyna at first, but that was because I thought Jason was in love with her,” she amended. 

Leo raised an eyebrow at her. “Projecting much?” 

“Shut up.” Piper felt like if her face got any redder, her head might explode, cartoon-character style. 

“It’s not my fault that these jokes basically write themselves.”

“Sure, sure, kick a queer girl struggling with compulsory heterosexuality while she’s down, why don’t you,” she scoffed, but it was without any real heat. 

Honestly, this was partially Piper’s own fault. She wasn’t sure why she kept giving Leo more ammo to tease her with. That should have been the opposite of what she wanted. 

But, well… she was in a good mood. And she’d meant what she’d said to Reyna. Leo was her best friend. And in the midst of everything else that had been going on, she hadn’t spent nearly as much time with him as she probably should have. She’d missed joking around with him like this—even if most of the jokes were at her expense today.

She’d properly get him back eventually. For now, she settled on gently poking him in the ribs in vengeance.

“Hey! Ow! Don't try to silence me, I’m just saying it like it is,” Leo complained, but he was laughing. “Besides, which part of you is down right now, exactly? You just spent, like, an hour with the girl you have a crush on, and as much as you’re grumbling at me, you haven’t been able to stop grinning since you got here. That's as up as it gets.”

“You’re the worst.”

”You love me.” Leo grinned at her. “Where did you leave Reyna, anyway?”

“She’s asleep. She’s had a rough couple of days.”

“Yeah, mood.” Leo’s eyes went wide. “Hang on, where is she sleeping?”

“My room.” Piper shrugged. “I don’t really feel like sleeping right now, anyway, so-”

Leo whistled. “Holy shit, Pipes. You and Jason have been broken up for, what, a week, and you’ve already got a girl sleeping in your bed? You don’t waste any time, do you?”

“Not like that!” Piper shrieked, cheeks flaming. “She's dealing with a lot! We just talked and I offered her my bed so she could take a nap. Gods.”

“Was that before or after you took her armor off?”

“That’s it. I’m unfriending you. Jason is my best friend now.” Piper grabbed one of the pillows off of Leo’s bed—a bed that was so filled with tools and random projects that she had serious doubts he'd ever slept there—and whacked him in the head with it. 

“Ow! Hey! I'm unarmed! No fair!” Leo complained, ducking under her second attack before diving for the bed. “Also, Jason is my best friend.”

“Not anymore, he isn’t.” Piper hit him with the pillow again. “And being poorly prepared for a pillow fight sounds like a you problem.“

“Armed now!” Leo announced, grabbing the second pillow off the bed and whacking her in retaliation. “I seriously can’t believe you’ve got the girl of your dreams sleeping in your room, and somehow you’re here, tormenting me.”

“I’m not going to watch her sleep like a total creep. Also, I promised her I’d get her armor fixed, so tormenting the local blacksmith makes perfect sense in that context.” 

“Pro tip: a pillow fight is not how you motivate the local blacksmith to get shit done,” Leo shot back, meeting her pillow with his.

“Past experience tells me you don’t get shit done unless you’re almost out of time, and since Reyna will probably be asleep for a few hours, I don’t think you would have gotten much done right now anyway.”

“Fuck off,” Leo laughed, giving her another a face-full of pillow. “You know, pillow-related violence notwithstanding, I’m actually really glad.”

“About what?”

“You and Jason breaking up.” Leo winced, lowering his pillow. “Sorry, that sounds kind of horrible. I was worried things would be weird when you told me, but… you both seem happy.”

“We are.” Piper smiled. “If you ignore the doomsday prophecies and looming end of the world, things are great.” She bit her lip. “But speaking of… how is Jason holding up?”

“He was pretty wrecked when we got back, so he’s probably asleep now. In his own bed, because unlike you, he’s got zero game, and we’re also a little short on eligible bachelorettes who aren’t his exes.” 

Leo lightly elbowed Piper. 

Considering the reason Jason had broken up with Piper had been his distinct disinterest in bachelorettes specifically, she doubted that particularly bothered him, but that wasn’t her conversation to have.

“Hardy har har.” Piper rolled her eyes at Leo, but she didn’t feel much like joking around anymore. “He didn’t take seeing Reyna like that very well, did he? I haven’t talked to him since we got back, but he seemed really shaken up.”

Leo shook his head. “He hated that he had no idea how to comfort her, and that she probably didn’t even want him to.” He sighed. “Classic Superman. He really struggles with being unable to help people he cares about.”

“Reyna’s hurting, too. They clearly miss each other a lot. I wish I knew how to help them.” Piper wrung her hands. “If we don’t all croak on this quest, I want to find a way to fix this.”

“Hey, don’t look at me. I don’t like seeing Jason unhappy any more than you do, but I sort of started a civil war by destroying Reyna’s home. I don’t think adding me into the equation is going to help anything.” Leo lifted his hands. “Besides, I’m garbage at this whole friendship thing.”

“You’re my friend. That has to count for something.” Piper took one of his hands, bringing it back down and squeezing it gently. “Please? For Jason?”

“You know me too well. Screw you.” Leo sighed. “Fine. If none of us croak on this mission, I’m going to help you with your stupid friendship meddling. And when it inevitably backfires on you, I’m going to be right by your side to say ‘I told you so’” 

Piper nudged him gently. “Love you, too.”

———

Some notes:

-I did warn you guys that this one was a bit more goofy, tone-wise. I love these two morons and I love them being friends so obviously I couldn’t resist adding this bit, and it also gave me a chance to add some of Piper’s thoughts and feelings about what happened between her and Reyna.

-My personal favorite bit is probably that Piper considered to just keep redoing Reyna’s braid because she wanted her to keep talking.

-Also, when Leo comes up with the whole physician’s cure idea, he absolutely thinks he’s going to be able to argue technicality on this and get out of Piper’s stupid friendship meddling that way (because he did die, he just came back to life right after). Piper does not let him, LOL. No get out of jail free card for traumatizing your friends, sorry buddy <3

Once again, thank you so much for reading! Comments immensely appreciated!

[blissfullyapillow]

‧₊˚ ┊When the Stars Embrace the Moon 

♡⸝⸝ Makoto Yuki x gn reader 

♡⸝⸝ wc: 2,413~

𝄞 ‧₊˚ ☽ ⋅ Song inspiration: Tek It I End of Beginning I Ghost I When the Moon’s Reaching Out Stars I 

♡⸝⸝ Warnings: Angst with a happy ending & depictions/implications of intense feelings of grief. Major Persona 3 Reload, Persona 3 FES, and Persona 3 FES: The Answer ending spoilers. Also mildly spoils some character stories regarding Persona 4 Arena and Persona 4 Arena Ultimax. I wrote this with Persona 3 FES in mind as I have no intention of playing Persona 3 Reload.

♡⸝⸝ Pillow Talks: This is what happens when you get too emotionally attached to a fictional character lol. The way this ends is not only my way to cope (lol) but because it’s heavily implied in Persona 4 Arena, as well as Persona 4 Ultimax, that Elizabeth is doing something that will result in a change. In PersonaQ (I have yet to finish it), even Margaret knows something will occur regarding Elizabeth but she must refrain from speaking of it. It is unknown whether this will result in Minato coming back, and of course many have mixed feelings on if he did come back and how that would impact the meaning behind his death. I’m interested to see what Atlus has planned regarding Elizabeth (after they make their 10th Persona 5 spin-off). Personally, Minato is my favorite fictional character of all time so I want him to come back. Anyway, I digress; I hope you enjoy. <3

♡⸝⸝ P.S: I have to clarify I made a magnificent reference to my fav song from Persona 3 FES, “When the Moon’s Reaching Out Stars” with the line, “It soars to the sky, to cast its adoring gaze to the moon as it rests amongst the stars. 

Masterlist

A warm hand intertwined with mine.

The blazing sun bathes his figure in an ethereal glow as beautiful pink petals fall from the trees above.

Yet the ephemeral scene fails to capture my attention; I fear my hands are sweaty and it’ll only be a moment before he takes notice.

A subtle glance his way is all it takes for me to capture his attention. Albeit one eye is obscured by his bangs, the tender emotion that lies dormant within his irises comes alive as they meet mine.

He’s silent, an action that isn’t unusual for him. Despite this, the vibrant sounds of life swarm around us and fill my ears with an everlasting ethereal tune. His hand squeezes mine, so softly it’s almost imperceptible.

My lips betray my trust as they curl upwards, and my voice divulges my secrets as an elated giggle escapes its confines.

His voice follows suit; our voices intermingle to create a melodious harmony that turns the heads of passerby. 

The air smells of cherry blossoms and hope. Hope that we carry together, kept safe between our pressed palms.

The air around us stirs with a subtle whoosh.

♪ ♫ 

This is a fond memory of mine.

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

He rolls his eyes.

I pinch his nose.

He frowns.

I smile.

“Will you two get a room already?” A familiar voice rebounds off the walls of the dorm, and our companion voices his agreement.

“Yeah, you two can be pretty insufferable when you act like this.” My eyes turn to glare at said companion to find his lips wearing a mischievous grin. “Just like you and Chidorita?” My smug comment alights his face in a burning flame, and Yukari fails to stifle her amused laughter.

“Yeah yeah, laugh while you can now!” Junpei’s voice echoes around the room. “Your face is as red as Chidori’s hair, Junpei-san. Do you need medical attention?” Aegis monotone voice drifts into our ears.

Obnoxious laughter follows from everyone in the room.

Excluding Junpei, who huffs in annoyance before storming upstairs. There’s no doubt that he’s sulking in his room.

I finally return my gaze to my favorite portrait, to resume admiring its beauty.

However, the painting now stares back at me, a  tender (find synonym) expression etched onto its features.

My heart skips a beat, similar to the way children skip as they play hopscotch.

His smile reflects the warmth in my heart; it’s an outward reflection of the love that fills my soul, only to pour from my fingertips with every gentle caress against his skin.

This memory moves me to tears.

These tears stain his used pillowcase, the one I have yet to wash since his scent desperately clings to the fabric.

I miss him.

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

Koromaru barks as he runs ahead. I glance at him beside me, his hands stuffed faithfully in his pockets.

It’s a chilly night, but the cool wind makes me feel alive. It roots me to the present moment, and for that I’m grateful.

“Yuki…”

Leisurely, he lifts his head, and his eyes meet mine.

I hold his gaze, and he makes no effort to break away.

“I love you.”

The words escape my lips in a borderline inaudible whisper, my voice oozing with the love I carry for him deep in my soul.

His eyes widen a fraction, clearly taken aback.

We’ve spent many nights together like this, whether it’s walking koromaru, singing our hearts out at karaoke, or even spending quiet nights studying in the dorm together; my heart has grown to yearn for his presence beside me.

Despite this, I’ve grown fearful of becoming too attached. Makoto isn’t someone familiar with emotions like these, not from what I’ve gathered from the time we’ve spent together.

Although.. These past few months I’ve seen a change within him. A slow one, like two friends who yearn to confess to each other but remain paralyzed with fear of rejection.

It’s a change that presents itself in his smile, the laughter he fails to hold back at our antics, the concern that’s etched in his furrowed brow when one of our teammates gets knocked down in Tartarus.

It’s a beautiful change. It’s grown to be something I want to protect.

Yet, my mouth has a mind of its own, and it’s spilled my most precious secret to him.

I wait with bated breath for his response.

Could this be the end of our friendship? Have I just ruined the bond we’ve formed, the bond that has brought color back into my dull world? Will he reject me? Will-

“Close your eyes.” My feet stop moving. I hear Koromaru up ahead, his happy barks indicating he's found something he wants to show us. Yet, my feet remain rooted to the ground.

My body acts on my internalized feelings as my eyes swiftly close shut at his command.

It’s silent.

Time continues to march forward despite my wishes.

As it always does.

This time, it’s in my favor, as I feel a soft pair of lips delicately brush against mine; lonely and yearning.

My hand rests upon his cheek as my heart flutters from my chest.

It soars to the sky, to cast its adoring gaze to the moon as it rests amongst the stars.

My heart is finally home.

just as my physical body feels at home in his arms.

He pulls away, and I open my eyes.

My heart is reflected within his gaze, and the change that I’ve grown fond of presents itself once more; He leans in for another kiss.

Koromaru barks.

The universe embraces me, and it gives me the happiness I’ve always yearned for.

This memory reflects the meaning of eternity; my feelings regarding the term ‘forever.’

This memory will remain.

It will always bring me happiness.

Despite this, he is not here in my arms, as he’s now bound to a door.

To watch over us all, forever; for eternity.

…Will I ever see you again? Why can I no longer press a kiss that furrowed brow? Am I doomed to forget the smile that lights up your features when I walk into a room?

Did I miss the opportunity? To show you how my heart reflects the love you’ve grown to harbor for others?

…The love you’ve grown to harbor for me?

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

I reach out to grasp for his familiar hand, the hand that’s always the first to search for mine when trouble inevitably catches us off guard.

The only thing my hand grasps is air; the other side of my bed is empty.

His scent is fading from the pillow case.

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

My cheeks remain wet as memories of him fill me with yearning.

Love and heartbreak wraps me in their firm embrace; I feel their arms squeeze me as they hold me close, my friends’ sobs almost drown out the ringing in my ears.

Memories of school and a radiant blue sky, watching over the rooftop of Gekkoukan High School, refuse to leave my mind.

I’ve never felt such a deep feeling of loss and sorrow before.

That’s not something I can say lightly.

Despite my unique experiences that may deviate from his own, Makoto has been my mirror. My window.

I’ve seen myself reflected in him, time and time again. Yes, I am my own person, but I’ve grown to form a connection with Yuki that I’ve never formed with another in my short lifetime.

Call me crazy, but when I was with Yuki I felt as if our souls intertwined, as if we'd finally found a home together after wandering a desert full of failed commitments and broken promises. All in search of an oasis… in search of trust.

Trust that we found within each other.

I roll over and curl into a tight ball as my emotions threaten to consume me.

A soft knock fails to bring me out of my sorrow.

My ears pick up on the audible click the door makes as it opens, but I refuse to acknowledge whomever is there.

A gentle, cold hand rests on my shoulder.

My body shivers since the cool metal contrasts with my flushed skin.

“I knew I would find you here.” She doesn’t sound concerned. Just knowing.

I can’t respond.

She doesn’t mind.

Her cool hand runs through my hair. They uncurl my body to wipe my tears away.

I’m thankful, yet I’m angry.

I almost don’t want to see her.

She hums; almost as if she’d read my thoughts and she doesn’t care.

I fall asleep to the feeling of cool metal pressed against warm skin.

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

My voice sounds like a stranger’s to my ears. I feel awful, horrible for how I’m lashing out at another innocent person whose suffering just as much as I am.

Even so, the words pour viciously from my mouth as she stands across from me.

She doesn’t speak.

Akihiko raises his voice. He sounds just as angry, but for a different reason. My heart squeezes painfully in my chest, but I have to get the words out.

“Why was it you!? We all share a special bond with him, as well as with each other, but you…” A lone tear slides down her robotic features.

It makes me pause. I’m surprised.

But..

I knew all too well that my anger was misdirected.

Aigis doesn’t refute anything I have to say. She silently stands before me, crying.

Aigis, who used to struggle telling apart a joke from a genuine statement. Aigis, who couldn’t comprehend human emotions as a motivating factor behind certain actions and words.

Aigis, who now stands before me experiencing emotions of her own.

Emotions that have led her to tears.. because of my misguided anger towards her.

I swallow down the lump in my throat as I push past Junpei. Akihiko calls for me to return, and I hear Ken make a comment about how awkward and tense the situation is.

I lock myself in his room.

…

No one knocks on the door this time.

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

It’s silent.

Everyone’s gathered around. We need to determine what our next course of action is, but there’s an elephant in the room that longs to be addressed.

We’re searching for the answer, and it’s right in front of us; it’s been here all along. The only obstacle in obtaining it lies within our warped perception of the situation.

“You need to apologize-”

“Akihiko-san.”

He visibly falters before awkwardly coughing into his fist. Mitsuru clearly has her own thoughts on the situation, but she’s chosen to remain silent at the moment.

I glance in Ken’s direction, and he gives me an encouraging nod accompanied by a sympathetic smile.

“Aigis, I apologize for my behavior earlier. My anger towards you was misguided and fueled by my… well, it’s more accurate to say our sorrow.. with Yuki’s passing..”

The resulting silence is suffocatingly loud.

It’s presence is overbearing. So much so that I fear we’ll never talk things through.

That is, until Aigis walks over to me.

As her arms wrap around me, a new feeling blossoms in my chest. It swallows the creeping fear inside of me whole, and it fuels an unyielding strength within me.

Hope.

“We will figure this out together. The bonds we have forged amongst each other will not be broken so easily. Don’t you agree…?” Aigis’s words are as soothing as they are motivating.

A quick glance around the room reveals relieved faces and fond smiles.

Unshed tears blur my vision, but these tears do not originate from the sadness that once permeated my very being.

“..Yes.”

It still hurts.

But it feels a bit better now.

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

It’s been years now.

I’ve seen Ken grow into a respectable young man. Akihiko is finally pursuing college, with the supervision of Aigis, and Mitsuru continues to be successful in her endeavors. The same can be said of Yukari and Junpei, albeit it’s clear the latter still misses the one who made his heart sing.

Fuuka is doing well too. It makes me happy to see everyone pursuing their individual passions. Including myself.

☀︎❀

Spring has returned.

It’s hot today.

The heat from the burning sun above threatens to lull me to sleep.

My heavy eyelids fall shut as I feel myself drift off to sleep.

His face, encapsulated in stone, drifts to the forefront of my mind.

A heavy sigh leaves me.

My eyes remain dry as I allow the memory to come and go, holding strong all the while.

I miss him, I truly do.

But, through the bonds I’ve made with the former members of S.E.E.S, I’ve cultivated the strength of will to move onward and forward, towards a future I can be proud of.

I open my eyes when I hear footsteps approaching.

The figure standing before me is familiar, yet surely a figment of my imagination.

I close my eyes again, in hopes of fully waking up this time.

I open them once more when I feel the person moving closer to me. I sit up, only to bump heads with them.

“Ouch!” I yelp. My hands cradle the spot where we bumped heads. That’s when I realize, the pain I just felt is real, and the person standing in front of me is…

Is..

My eyes widen dramatically, and my mouth parts to say all the words my soul longs to poetically convey.

He simply smiles.

He opens his arms.

My thoughts spiral out of control. Is this an illusion? How could this be remotely possible? Is this… really true?

When our eyes meet, my questions receive a silent answer. My eyes take notice of the wavering emotions within his gaze; I can see the soul of the man I love, a soul which was once bound to a door, is now standing here before me. 

Whatever miracle performed this action, I am forever grateful to its benevolence. 

I dare not waste another moment in idle contemplation.

I throw myself into his arms. 

He catches me. 

He laughs.

My soul joins in on his joyous laughter, as tears full of love slowly cascade down my cheeks.

Our laughter intermingles to create a melodious harmony that turns the heads of passerby, once more. 

[deansapplepie]

Till THE DEAD do us part |Chapter 13

A/N: This story will take place in all the seasons, but it’s not exactly a rewriting cause I’d have to re-watch everything to use the exactly lines of the characters, also I think it’s better if I tell a side story without changing the main facts of the story. This story has a Female Reader, but I don’t describe her appearance, so anyone can identify with her.

Chapter 12 Chapter 14

Series Masterlist Main Masterlist

Chapter 13: This group’s broken

Summary: Randall is still a problem the group needs solve and come to an agreement about. The happenings of the barn is still something shaking some people. Feelings and traumas from the past comes to haunt Y/N making her anxiety boil and overthink a lot.

Warnings: swearing, angst, death, mentions of violence, gore, suicide attempt (not narrated, but mentioned), mentions of depression, mentions of torture, mentions of execution, traumas, anxiety, mentions of abusive relationships, fear of abandonment, brief discreet mentions of sex, loss, grief. Minors do not interact.

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Grimes!Reader (Rick’s Sister)

Word Count: 5,834

Extra notes: I proofread the text, but English is not my first language, so feel free to correct any mistakes, of course with love. Also, there’s a bunch of warnings in this one but there’s also fluff, comfort and a bit of fun.

Finally Randall’s leg was well enough so he could survive alone in the wild that was Earth now, so Rick and Shane would carry him miles away from the farm and release him. You weren’t very happy about Rick going alone with Shane.

“Let me go with you, please.” You pleaded Rick for the millionth time, Shane wasn’t someone reliable anymore, you couldn’t risk losing your brother again and have Shane coming back with some lame excuse how he made for Otis.

“Y/N, I’m the one here with self defense skills, not you. I can handle myself well without you. I need you here.” Rick said, and that would be the last time he would tell you, he was losing his temper already. “No discussion.”

“Be careful, please. He’s dangerous.” You hugged him and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

“I’ll be, don’t worry. I need this time alone with him. I’m coming back.” He assured you and hoped it would really turn out like this, because you could see the madness in his eyes, and by how we was obsessed with Lori… you didn’t doubt he would be able to do atrocities even to his ‘brother’.

After they left, you couldn’t get rid of the uneasy feeling you had on the pitch of your stomach. You were going to help around in the farm and in the house, but your mind couldn’t stop the worry. You were giving the horses water when you heard a knock on the stables door, you look to your side and you saw Daryl. As much as the idea of scaring you was tempting enough, he chose not to do so.

“Just wanted to let ya know I’m gonna hunt, maybe bring somethin’ good.” He approached you.

“Ok, be careful, please and don’t come back late. I’m already worried enough by Rick.” You said, then looked both sides and didn’t see anyone around. You tiptoed and pecked his lips.

He blushed, he had been doing way more than this with you and he blushed because you gave him a small kiss inside a stable where the only witnesses were the horses. He knew you were worried about Rick being alone with Shane, things between you and Shane had gone bad since the day of the happenings of the barn and it was just going down. When Daryl told you one night that he thought Shane had killed Otis, things spiraled really quick and you started seeing Shane with different eyes, many attitudes from him made sense actually. He wasn’t the person that you used to know anymore.

“Dun worry. Rick’s tough, he basically came back from the dead, nothing bad is happening to him.” He said, he could practically read your mind and know everything you were thinking about it.

“And you?”

“Me too. I’m gonna be careful. I promise, I’ll be back in one piece.” He gave you a quick kiss, you said your goodbyes and you went back to your chores.

Lori was inside the house helping with the chores and also helping Maggie taking care of Beth. She was still not good, she was in a state of depression that got all of you worried. Lori was preparing a lunch for Beth, so you were around the kitchen with her and Maggie. Maggie was talking about Glenn with Lori, you decided to not participate of the conversation, but you were listening to everything. Lori was more experienced on the topic of relationships, you knew what was good or not, but just theoretically. Until now you had had just one boyfriend before Daryl and it was a shitty experience, so you didn’t know if you had something wise to say even though you were older than Maggie. You thought it was a bit too much when Lori said that Glenn should man up, imagine saying it to the young man, he would be sad or really offended, or both.

“Glenn is just scared, he’s a good guy. You’re probably his first love, I can’t say it for sure, but that’s what it seems. He’ll overcome this fear of him. Don’t worry.” You passed an arm on Maggie’s shoulder and gave a little squeeze on her arm to reassure her.

“And how about you and grumpy man? Have you already said the words?” She elbowed you playfully.

“Hmm… no. Not exactly. I don’t know if it’s like this.” You said, you were always reserved about your personal matters, always keeping everything to yourself, afraid to let people know your feelings or to be exposed and feel weak. But maybe, some girl talk wouldn’t be that bad. “He said the other day I was his and I also said it to him…” You paused thinking if you’d say the other thing that came to your mind to them.

“And…?” Lori asked. “We know there’s more. Spill it.”

“He… he said that his… you know… was mine.” You blushed instantly talking about it and thinking about it. Was it correct to tell such thing to others? You never knew what was ok, and what wasn’t, but it’s not like if you were telling all the sordid details of what you two did.

Lori made a face as if she was thinking ‘wow, the man really have some balls’ and Maggie just had a fit of giggles, giving you a side hug and squeezing you. “It’s almost the same thing as saying that 3 words.” Maggie observed.

“It isn’t, this is possessiveness which is normal in relationships even the healthy ones. But anybody can have this without love.” You told Maggie, she was young, probably didn’t have unhealthy relationships she wouldn’t know. You were maybe 8 or 9 years older than her, it was a different experience, especially with broken people.

“Well… everybody can see, but we can’t stop you from being stubborn. I need to go help Glenn, but if you need anything you can call me.” She said and then turned to Lori. “Thank you so much for helping with Beth.”

“It’s nothing really.” Lori said and got the tray to give lunch for Beth.

You stayed at the house and helped Lori at the kitchen, you washed some dishes and cleaned and organized the room. After one hour or so, Lori went to Beth’s room to get the tray back. She came back with untouched food, Beth couldn’t continue like that. When she was throwing away what Beth didn’t eat, she suddenly stopped and ran from the kitchen.

“What happened? Lori?” You asked her, but she was already gone. She came back a knife in hand and in a rush.

“Go and Keep an eye on Beth. I’m gonna bring Maggie or Hershel.” She said and left.

You left the kitchen and went to Beth’s room, on your way you put the pieces together and realized Beth had hidden the knife and was probably going to attempt something against herself. Soon Lori arrived with Maggie and Andrea, Maggie asked to be left alone with Beth and all of you went back to the kitchen.

You were trying to be in good terms with Andrea again, so you decided you’d try not to talk back at her when she said stupid things, even though they were talking about Beth. You just stayed there watching while they talked Andrea thought Beth should make her own choice, which is very different from what happened with her. Beth is just a kid and she’s not dying because she was bitten, so why let her commit suicide? She should be talked to and taken care of to help her get better. You bit your tongue trying to not express yourself, but you just couldn’t contain it when Andrea brought up the fact that Lori had her husband back, her child was saved, she had a baby on the way and had a ‘boyfriend’. And Andrea had to finish bringing you up in the middle of the thing, did you disagree with her? Yes. But did you say anything about it? No, just on your mind. So why bring you to the discussion?

“And you…” She pointed at you startling you at the suddenly call. “You have your brother, your nephew, a new nibling on the way and you’re fucking Dixon like rabbits, you would never understand.”

“Andrea, are you serious? I wasn’t even in the discussion. Why do you always involve me in your shit? You don’t get to speak like this to Lori, we had a lot of blessings, but we also suffered like everyone else. Do you think we were happy the whole time we thought Rick was dead? Or that it didn’t cross our minds that Carl was going to die? You think we didn’t suffer because of Amy, Jim, Jacqui, Sophia or all the others lost we had along the way?” She said everything she wanted to Lori and now she was going to listen to you. “And why do you mind who I fuck? You’re fucking Shane, and nobody told you a word. Mind your own business.”

You almost didn’t stop to breath while the words just came out of your mouth like a waterfall. “I wasn’t going to say anything regarding Beth, but she’s only sixteen. She’s a kid, we have to protect her and try to help her get better, and not encourage the way out. Andrea, I think we’re never going to be in good terms again, there’s no way. You’re not the same anymore.”

You left the house and went back to the camp, finding Carl and Luna playing with a stick. Carl had been acting colder and colder in the last days, it was good to see him being a kid, even if it was for a brief moment. You played a little with them, but to be honest you were still nervous about Andrea and worried about Beth.

After 30 minutes, maybe one hour, you didn’t know exactly, you heard a commotion in the house. You told Carl to stay there and ran to see what happened. When you arrived to the source Lori and Maggie had just opened the door to the bathroom and there was a crying Beth, hand on her bleeding pulse, asking for help and saying she was sorry. You learned Maggie had left Beth alone with Andrea and it was her biggest mistake, because she left the girl alone and God knows what she said to her. Maggie had a fight with Andrea and told her to never again step in the house. You were done, your stress level was up on the sky already.

When it was almost getting dark you saw Daryl coming back, you walked in his direction happy to see him and have an excuse to not be in the camp, hence near to Andrea. You met him halfway, he had some rabbits and squirrels, you knew it probably wasn’t what he really wanted but you were grateful for any meat that he brought back.

“I thought you’d never comeback.” You said walking by his side.

“I said I’d comeback.” He answered and took a quick glance at you. “Jus’ didn’t wanna comeback without something.”

“We’re all grateful to you, bringing meat or not.” You said while you arrived the small camp of yours.

He took everything he needed to start to skin what he brought and clean so it would be ready for consumption. You sat near him observing his work, you never tried, but now you had observed him doing it so much that you’d probably be able to skin something if you needed or wanted to.

“Wha’s wrong?” He asked still concentrated on his job. Once again, you were surprised on how he could know something was not right. “I can see all over ya that somethin’ is bothering ya.”

“Today was a stressful day” You propped your elbows on your knees and rested your face between your hands. You recalled all the situation with Beth and Andrea, and you just wish this day didn’t happen, and it was far from being one of your worst days.

“Wha’ happened?” He lifted his head from his work and took a look at you. You looked tired, everyone was always tired nowadays, but it was not only physical it seemed that your mind was also tired.

“Andrea was a bitch. I swear I tried to be on good terms with her again. And Beth tried the way out, I believe encouraged by Andrea. Maggie left them alone and Andrea also left Beth alone.” You gave him the short story of all that happened. “I should have gone with you.”

“Yeah, ya should.” That was his way of saying ‘I missed you’.

Soon you saw the car in which Rick, Shane and Randall left arriving back in the property. When you saw Rick getting off the car you felt relieved to see him, but apparently they had comeback with Randall. Shit, it wasn’t over. As soon as Daryl finished skinning and cleaning the hunt, you went to to the camp to meet Rick and know what happened.

Once you arrived you saw that Rick had bruises and cuts on his face, no way it was the kid, walkers? No. It was Shane. Damn, he had the audacity to attack Rick. You didn’t even think, you turned around, hot headed and ready to go look for Shane and beat the hell out of him.

“Where d’ya think ya’re going?” Daryl hold your arm stopping you to go anywhere. He knew where you were going, sometimes he could read you so easily that it surprised him.

“I’m going to give Shane hell, nobody gets to touch my brother.” You yanked your arm from Daryl’s hand, just for him to catch you again, holding his arms around you so you couldn’t go. That wasn’t the moment for you to be reckless.

“Y/N, do you think I was just beaten? I also beat him.” Rick reasoned with you.

“Either way, it wasn’t enough, he deserves worse.” You said, still fighting – in vain - in Daryl’s arm.

“Woman, stop. Ya’re being more hot-head and stubborn than me.” Daryl turned you around and hold you by the shoulders. “Look at me.” He commanded, and you looked at him, right in his beautiful blue eyes. “Don’t do anything stupid. He’s uncontrollable and ya know it. If he lays a finger on ya, I dunno what I’m capable of doing and I dun wanna find out.”

“Ok.” You answered and didn’t try to go for Shane, but you still felt like ending him. “Why did you bring the kid back?” You directed the question to Rick.

“He said he studied with Maggie. Which means he knows where the farm is.” Rick ran his hand on his face. “We’ll need another solution.”

The other day, after breakfast, Daryl went to the room where Randall was, he said he was going to talk with him. It was taking a long time for him to return and you were starting to get worried.

“Ok, that’s it. I’m going to see what is taking him so long to come back.” You told your brother.

“Don’t, the kid is handcuffed. There’s nothing he can do against Daryl.” Rick said standing on your way. “I don’t wanna you close to that guy.”

“I think you had said you’d stop treating me like a child, Rick.” You looked at his face and you could see there was something wrong. “Are you two hiding something? That’s it? Now you have secret agreements between both of you?”

Before Rick could say anything, you saw Daryl coming in your direction. Was that Blood on his hand? ‘Holy shit! What the hell have you done Daryl Dixon?’, you thought. He arrived telling you all the information he got from the kid, there were 30 in his group, they were violent and dangerous, they raped women. You followed Daryl to your tent, you could feel he was still angry, so you were thinking about what should be the best approach.

“D. Let me see your hands.” You requested and he started organizing his things to leave and go into the woods.

“There’s nothing to see, I’m good.” He said with some arrows in his hand.

“Daryl.” He ignored you.

“Daryl Dixon.” He ignored you again, stuffing things on his backpack, so you just got close to him silently and yanked his backpack throwing it on the ground.

“What the fuck Y/N?” He shouted at you, now you had his full attention.

“Stop, this shit! I’m talking to you, your hands are hurt! Let me take care of them.” You told him your voice high. He looked at you impatient. You took his hand and guided him to one of the beach chairs. “Sit.”

“I ain’t a dog.” He complained while you made him sit.

“So, why are you obeying me?” You threw back while you picked the First Aid kit inside the tent. You were playing with fire and you knew it.

He tried to get up while he mumbled something in protest that you couldn’t understand. But you were faster than him and pressed his shoulder down so he would sit again. You took the other chair and brought it close to him, sitting in front of him, your legs between his so you could be closer to take care of his hand.

“Gimme your paw, I mean, your hand.” You joked one hand extended on his direction waiting for him to give you his hand. “If I’m a puppy, you might as well be one. Or maybe you’re a Kitten, you are as skittish as one.”

He gave you his left hand very reluctantly, but he knew you would not let him be if he didn’t. You took his hand and saw how his knuckles were hurt, your heart ache by seeing his hand like this, but you also felt uneasy about the young man that was on the other side of his fist. You took some alcohol and wet a cotton swab to pass where he was hurt.

“It’s gonna hurt.” You alerted him, he didn’t say anything. He just observed your small hand holding his and tendering his wounds with the cotton swab, hissing when it hurt too much. “Did Rick ask you to do this?”

“No.” He answered, short… good he didn’t want to talk.

“Did he know about it?”

“Maybe.” He answered eyes on your hands now cleaning the wounds with boric-water.

“Or he did or he didn’t. Gonna take it as he did, he was acting suspect.” You stated, looking at your first aid kit for some ointment.

“Are ya angry at me?” He asked while you passed the ointment on his wounds.

“No, just concerned and upset. Gimme your other hand.” You took his other hand and started to give the same care. “I don’t like both of you hiding things from me.”

“ ‘m sorry, ya dun agree with what I’ve done, do ya?” He asked, head still down paying attention to you.

“Torturing isn’t right.”

“I didn’t have an option, we needed the information about his group.” You cleaned his other hand. “His group… the things he said they did… he’s not someone to be around or for us to let go, he knows where the farm is.”

“So, do you think we should kill him?” You asked a cotton swab passing on his hand.

“Yes.” He said, you were conflicted. You were always taught that killing was wrong, you can’t take life from someone. Unless it’s a walker, of course. Or, if your life is in danger. But execute someone? It sounded wrong, but at the same time… you should think about the group safety. “Don’t ya agree?”

“I don’t know… I think it’s wrong, but I also see that we’re out of better options.” You passed the ointment on his hand.

“Are ya comin’ to the woods with me?” He asked a little apprehensive that you wouldn’t want to be with him because you were upset.

“Thought you’d never ask.” You looked at him and smiled, no way you’d be stuck in the farm again in the middle of all the chaos.

You were having things done to go, when you saw Dale arriving followed by Luna swinging her tail. Dale came to talk to you about the decision of killing Randall, he wanted to know what both of you thought, and of course try to convince you otherwise if you thought the boy should be killed.

“I’m not sure Dale, really. At the same time I think we shouldn’t, I don’t see any other solution.” You said, despite you thought your opinion would not be so important in the end. Dale tried reasoning with Daryl to no avail.

“This group’s broken.” He said, and when you heard that… you couldn’t help but feel bad. Was really your group broken? Did Daryl think the group wasn’t good enough for him anymore? Did he want to leave? Would he leave without you? Would he even tell you if he decided to leave? Was he tired of you?

You were so caught up in your anxious thoughts that you didn’t even saw that Dale was long gone and Daryl was calling you so you could go. “Pup, what’s wrong?” He asked, his hand waving in front of you worried.

“Nothing.” You lied, and he knew you lied. “Let’s go?”

He got his things, you got yours, Luna followed you and you walked silently until you reached the woods. You were open and comfortable with Daryl, you always were and it even annoyed you some times, because you would speak whatever is on your mind, and in your opinion you said things you shouldn’t say. But you couldn’t talk about your feelings, or you tried not to, because of a bunch of insecurities clouding your thoughts. He wasn’t also very comfortable about talking about feelings, so it was understandable, but at the same time he felt uneasy if he didn’t know everything that’s on your mind. He held your hand and it startled you from your unstoppable thoughts.

“Ya lied again.” He didn’t took his eyes from the woods searching for any danger or possible hunt. His voice didn’t change the tone, there was no anger or negative feelings on his speaking.

“I don’t wanna talk about my feelings.” You said looking at your feet attentive to where you stepped, your other hand slightly brushing over Luna’s head.

“But I want to know what ya’re feeling. I need to.” He said, damn… did he sound vulnerable? Was he weak? He couldn’t allow himself to look pathetic and weak, but he also didn’t want to mistreat you. “ ‘m not good talking ‘bout feelings, but I always need to know yers.”

You stopped walking and you turned to him, now holding both of his hands, or more like his hands engulfing yours. “Be honest.”

“Never lied to ya.” He said looking at your face while you were looking down at your hands. “Look at me, please.”

You lifted your head, looking right at his eyes and all you saw was worry. You took a deep breath taking all the courage you had to speak. “Are you…” ‘not happy with me?’ You wanted to complete but stopped mid-sentence. “Do you wanna leave us?”

“Of course not. Where did this come from?” He asked, but before you could answer his mind started to put the pieces together. “That’s because I said the group’s broken, isn’t it?”

“Yes” you said, just that. Unable to say more or add anything else that were running like a tornado inside your mind.

“It wasn’t a lie. I think the group’s broken. Shane’s crazy. Andrea’s reckless and listens to Shane. Carol’s still broken because of Sophia. Glenn… if Hershel decided to kick us from the farm, he’d stay behind and I don’t blame him. This group isn’t like it used to be, not that we were perfect befor’ , we never were.” You took all his words putting everything together and trying to reason what he said. Still feeling uneasy. “Wha’s on yer head?”

“It’s just… when you said it, it seemed like you didn’t care anymore about the group or what happens with it.” You looked at his growing bangs that fell on his forehead, or you wouldn’t be able to say it if you looked at his eyes. “Or…” You paused, no, no, you couldn’t say what you were thinking not at all. You’d scare him, he’d leave you.

“Or wha’ baby?” You looked at his eyes again, and with the worry you saw a softness that you didn’t quite know what it meant. He never called you ‘baby’ outside of the sheets and it made your heart jump and butterflies fly in your stomach.

“Or…” you shifted your eyes to look at your hands, tears threatening to fall. Shit. Why were you so emotional and making a big thing of something this small. “That you didn’t want me and would leave.”

Things had been so good between both of you, that Daryl forgot you still had traumas from your past relationship, traumas that would trigger only when you were in a relationship and could experience things again. And now, was one of those moments. He couldn’t imagine half the shit you’ve been put through so you’d think he would leave you or that he didn’t want you, after he asked you to live with him, after he showed you his scars… after both of you broke so many walls that were built around yourselves.

He let go of your hands and hugged you, you always reassured him when he had his insecurities, now was the moment for him to do the same for you. “I ain’t leaving.” One of his arms was around your waist while the other was in your head bringing your face to hide between his chest and shoulder. “I want ya, and I dun see myself not wanting ya any time soon.”

It was as if a tap was open and the tears that were in your eyes fell making you let little sniffs and hold both hands on Daryl’s vest. “I told Rick, and I’m telling ya now, I ain’t playing with ya.” He didn’t put any names on what you had, he never said ‘I like you’ or ‘I love you’, he didn’t even know how to name what he felt or if he could feel any of those things. But he knew he wanted you, he needed you and he was going to protect you. He had already told you, you were his and indirectly that he was yours, but he couldn’t bring any of those words, these simple words scared him… So he said what he could manage to come out of his mouth. “We’re together.”

You took your face from his chest and looked at his face, he was serious, this wasn’t any sick joke. You should’ve known, you knew Daryl, he wasn’t like that… and you never doubted it. You shouldn’t start doing it now just because you had a relationship. He was not him. He was Daryl and you knew you could trust him. “I’m sorry. I think my period is close, or something…” It was probably something, but you could always blame the hormones, so why not?

He kissed the top of your head tenderly and looked at your face again, now you were better. You looked more like yourself when there wasn’t all those intrusive thoughts and anxiety. “What do ya say I teach ya a little bit of hunting and tracking?” He asked.

“I was waiting for the day you’d offer me this.” You smiled, your hands now resting flat open on his chest. “I’d love if you taught me.”

When it was close to sunset you and Daryl came back to the farm, you didn’t hunt anything as he taught you were still learning so it didn’t go good. He held your hand in his intertwining your fingers and you walked in silence, Luna leading the way in front of you sometimes stopping to wait for your slow asses.

In the moment you arrived at the farm Rick made a call, he was waiting for both of you to make a reunion so everyone could say their opinions about the boy Randall. Everyone except Dale wanted to kill the young man, Dale was extremely disappointed. You still didn’t know what to think about it, but you knew Dale was right.

“I’m with Dale.” You suddenly said and walked to stay by Dale’s side, even though you knew there was no way of winning the vote, you wanted to stay true to yourself. “He’s not his group and as far as we know he didn’t commit a crime that he deserves death penalty.”

You felt like you would combust at any moment just by the stares of Rick and Daryl that didn’t quite understand why you were siding with Dale and not thinking clearly about the wellbeing of the group. Shane also looked at you like you were insane, but you didn’t give a single fuck about it, so it was ok. The others were neutral at you. Soon Andrea also said she was with Dale, but in the end you three weren’t enough to deprive the group from killing Randall.

Everybody left the room to continue their activities, it was getting dark so Daryl, Rick and Shane would take the prisoner to do what they needed to. You were ready to descend the porch stairs when Daryl held your arm slightly and put you aside.

“We need to talk.” He said, and you already knew.

“Is it because I agreed with Dale?” You asked, you knew the answer. “Do you hate me because I disagreed from the group?” All that mattered was that if he would change about you just because you didn’t agree with them.

“Yeah, and I dun hate ya.” Actually it was quite the opposite, but he was concerned about your choices.

“I knew the majority of us would choose his death, my vote would make no difference. So I decided to stay true to myself.” You said, you could see understanding crossing his face by each word you said. “Just because I don’t think it’s right, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be done.”

He nodded at you. “Alright, I ain’t upset. Go stay with Lori while we do this.”

You were with Lori when you saw the three taking Randall to the barn, you held your sister’s hand as a comfort for you. You weren’t going to see the execution, but knowing someone, a human being would be killed in the same place you were was scaring. You were comfortable killing walkers, they weren’t alive anymore, they were just walking corpses. In reality you thought it was merciful to kill the monster that once was a person.

“Don’t think much about it, it’s worse if you do.” Lori tried to calm your nerves, but it was impossible to not think about it.

After some time you didn’t listen to any gun shot and soon you saw Rick and Carl arriving to camp. Wait, Carl? Shit. Shit. Shit. Rick explained that Carl went there to see and that he was encouraging to kill the man. What was happening to the kid? He couldn’t lose himself so quickly like this. Rick wasn’t able to do this with Carl looking, so he postponed the execution.

“Where’s Daryl?” You asked, you saw everyone but him.

“He’s locking Randall again, he’s probably gonna be here soon.” As soon as he finished talking all of you listened to extremely pained screams.

Dale!

You ran in the direction of the screams, Daryl being the first to arrive started shouting for help. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It was bad. All of you arrived almost at the same time and what you saw was heartbreaking, all his guts coming out of his ripped stomach. No. You cried. No.

“Hershel!” Rick shouted, the only thing he thought was you all needed him there to take care of Dale.

“It’s too late, Rick.” You said, tears rolling down your cheeks. You knew as much medicine as Hershel knew, both of you vets, the old man was just more experienced and have treated more people than you, that had only cleaned T.’s wound and took care of Daryl’s hands. “There’s nothing he can do.”

Hershel arrived and said the same thing, you couldn’t even move Dale. He was agonizing. Andrea pleaded that someone did something. Everyone was in pain by seeing Dale like that. He didn’t deserve this kind of death. Rick aimed his gun at Dale, it was best if someone ended this for him. You turned your back, you didn’t want to see, you had already seen more than you wanted to see. You wait for the gun shot, but before you listen to it there’s a raspy voice. “Sorry, brother.” And soon after Daryl’s voice the sound of the shot.

You were waiting for the shot. You knew it was going to happen, but you jumped at it a cry living your lips. You covered your mouth trying to muffle your sobs. You felt a pain in your chest, everybody felt it. There were cries, sobs and lamenting.

That night you cried yourself to sleep, and it wasn’t a peaceful one, even having Daryl’s soothing presence near you.

Dale was the group’s heart and now you felt like your group were definitely broken.

Wanna be add to my tag list? Let me know. (Please tell me if you want to be tagged on everything or just specific series)

Everything Taglist: @lilyevanstan1325

Till THE DEAD do us part Taglist: @sunnybunnyy2 @royaltysuite @isakyakiisak @milopenne @murdadixon

[tutanchanup]

Was the real Vlad III. more of a sadistic choleric or tragic antihero? You'll be surprised

Disclaimer: As Vlad III. still refuses to pick up my calls, note that this is, once again, MY OPINION ONLY! It doesn't necessarily need to be the correct one!! And I am afraid that until Vlad picks up the damned phone, we'll never know for sure how he really was like.

So please, do not in any way despair if Vlad in your works acts differently. Your take is as good as mine!!! I do not wish to criticise anyone's work!

The purpose of this article is only to compare various psychological approaches, and compare the two most depicted ones to mine, because a lot of people are wondering why does my Vlad look so different from what they usually see.

I'm not saying my approach is necessarily better!!

I am not some divine authority to tell you how you should write him from now on! You do you!!

I simply wanted to show how I approach him, and what can you expect from me in my works, including the story I write, Io, Draculea.

~°~°~°~°~°~

I still can't believe that my prediction about Vlad learning sewing out of boredom was confirmed by history!! Hah! 🤩🥰😄

You see, while writing about Vlad as a vampire, I wrote that he learned sewing when he was slowly getting bored by eternal life. I wrote this 3 years ago.

And few days ago, thanks to @voievod and @vladvodashitposts I learned that we actually have a preserved testimony from the 15th century that says that Vlad the Impaler learned sewing out of boredom while in Visegrád prison!

Btw 2 years ago in my story I predicted that Corvinus would let him see his family while imprisoned and the text confirmed that too!! Ahhh I can't believe it!!!!!

Now, I'd like to tell you how I came to this prediction. Because I am actually not a fortune-teller. How then could I have possibly correctly predicted something as improbable and crazy sounding as Vlad the Impaler learning sewing? I understand you have your doubts about this claim of mine.

So I'll tell you my secret 🤫:

I approach his personality a little bit different from the two most abundant ways found in literature, who depict Vlad either as an angry choleric, or the tragic antihero.

I noticed he went through horrible hardships in life, but I also noticed that it never broke him. That means he never let fate make him into a victim.

And then I realized that I know what such a person looks like.

Because I am surrounded by people like this.

I live in Czechia, which was under harsh communist rule for some 40 years. For many people - my family included - it was hell on earth. But many Czech people survived that because they didn't fall down the victim mentality route, instead they accepted that which couldn't be changed, and found ways how to cope otherwise and make use of what they can do - it's no coincidence that during these hard times one of the best comedic films were made, or that Jára Cimrman was born (a way how to make fun of communism in a way that would circumvent censorship), or that we perfected the art of finding legal loop-holes during that time.

My father, whose whole family was imprisoned just for being intellectuals, and who couldn't get into university because of where he came from, is a person with a brisk sense of humour. My mother, when she was diagnosed with cancer, still heartily laughed every day, and now that she's okay, she helps other cancer patients to keep their spirit up. I also knew a Jewish person who had actually survived concentration camp as a child (he saw all his family die there and went on the "death march" when he was 10 yo!) - and he was one of the most humourous and good spirited people I knew! (RIP Mario P. 🥲)

This is the mentality of survivors who were not broken down by fate: pragmatic, not wallowing in grief over fate they cannot change, instead grabbing every chance to enjoy their life in those short moments when they can and use their hardship to their advantage.

And you know what, that's exactly what the real Vlad would be like as well!

When he found himself in a situation he couldn't change, he didn't fall down crying like a tragic antihero, neither did he yell at heavens like an angry choleric. (Well, I am not saying he NEVER did cry or swear, he surely had moments like these too, I am talking more about the general approach to life).

Instead he accepted that which couldn't be changed, and made the best use of what he could do. See when he was imprisoned by the Ottomans at the age of just 11: he didn't break down, instead he found out that while he was there already, he can learn their battle tactics, and so he did and then used them against the same Ottomans later.

Thus I can totally see that while imprisoned by Corvinus, he would try to occupy his mind with something useful so he wouldn't go mad with boredom, even if it would come down to sewing.

But enough of boring talking, let me illustrate it (literally), that will be much more fun!

Disclaimer: I do NOT want to criticise or make fun of other authors! This is just a thought experiment depicting various psychologies. The text is entirely made up by me. It's NOT made to mock any existing work, I just wanted to show you how I write Vlad in my own story, Io, Draculea. If you like writing Vlad as the tragic hero, I am not here to stop you! 😉 (okay I am a little against writing him as the angry choleric, because we've had 500 years of that already 🙃)

Actually I wouldn't even be that much happy if you were to copy my approach, I want my story to be original 😆

Now let's do a little experiment of how the most common depictions of Vlad would deal with a situation where fate surprises them with something cruel and unexpected, like Corvinus imprisoning them in the middle of war:

Vlad the Choleric:

-> this Vlad spends his time in prison impaling mice and rats

Vlad the Tragic Hero:

-> this Vlad spends his time in prison starring out of the window contemplating his fate

Vlad the Survivalist:

(and also how I approach him):

-> this Vlad spends his time in prison trying to find out whether he can succeed in building a model of Târgoviște from the hay his bed is made out of

Now, I hope you all don't hate me now 😅. I really didn't made this with the intention to mock anyone. It's only that I realized that maybe I can give an insight which is a little bit different than what can usually be found on the internet, so I wanted to create some material which talks about the less known perspective, for it to be accessible out there as well.

Do not in any way hate on other writers (or yourself) if their perspective is different!!!!

The thing is, that every approach offers different advantages. The "Vlad as angry choleric" served the purpose of depicting him as a sadistic tyrant (which was extremely useful to his enemies). The "Vlad as tragic antihero" serves the purpose of humanising him, and lets a modern person realise the hardships Vlad went through. And that's incredibly important and useful work!!! Please continue!!!!

My way is that of someone who has almost never - or extremely rarely - read or seen an adaptation of Vlad (although my knowledge there is limited, I admit) that would reflect the "Vlad as survivalist" approach (which I think would be more historically accurate, but that's just MY OPINION, it doesn't have to be necessarily the correct one!!)

So I took it as my role to depict Vlad like this. I am prepared to be alone on this path 😉

[mellosdrawings]

ooh, just saw you’re also doing the twst ask game!! how about 5, 23 and 27, if it hasn’t been asked already? :]

5. If you could have any unique magic / signature spell in the game, which would you choose and why?

23. Which dorm would you be sorted into?

27. What drew you into TWST? What made you stay?

5. I WANT CATER'S MAGIC SO BAD YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!! Do you know how many projects I have? I wish I could do them all but I gotta prioritize (/pejorative). If I could just make clones I'd be able to work on my webcomic and my Twst fanarts and my writings and my Sci-fi visual novel and-

23. Once upon a time in my teenagehood, I would've been sorted into Heartslabyul because I had the "obey to every single rule" type of autism. Now? I guess it'd be Octavinelle or Scarabia. It's hard to say.

27. Ok so, the thing is I actually was into this game before it even went out. I heard about a Japanese game soon coming and there was the countdown art series and I was IN LOVE with it from a purely aesthetic aspect. Plus I liked the pitch/summary/whatever you call it in English when you resume something to its bare minimum. I loved Descendants so having more content about Disney villains or their descendants was great.

What makes me stay is two things:

1. The characters and their relationships.

I'm the kind of person who can handle most stories as long as the characters are very interesting. And boy, they are.

They all feel very well rounded and believable, not one tone characters who are only interested in one thing. All of them have full personalities and several things they're into and several things they dislike and random info about them that are just there, it feels compelling. Plus I'm the kind of creator that loves diving into my characters' flaws to enhance my plots, so the fact that the game is about the characters' flaws is right into my alley.

Also they all have relationships with one another in some way, where other medias might have just given them a handful of characters to get along with and wouldn't have bothered to find how to make them interact with the other characters.

2. The teen traumas

Ok, they might not always be handled best, but it is compelling to have this stuff, that is usually shrugged at because those are teens and it "shouldn't be called trauma it's just part of life". Here it is given weight.

Riddle's trauma about having an helicopter mom, Vil's trauma about being a child star that has always been typecast as a villain, Azul's bullying, Idia's terrible handling of grief, Leona's trauma about the double standard of people considering him and his brother, Malleus’s refusal to deal with his own grief. It's very compelling stuff and it's powerful. Some of those seem more traumatic than others (*cough* Jamil’s struggle with slavery *cough*) but, well, for a teen all of those are equally as traumatic, and it's normal for them all to have mental breakdowns when they have been given no support whatsoever.

I'm an angst enjoyer who loves to see how much you can hurt a character before they break down, and then what it takes to build them back up into a functioning person. This story is about that, so I dig it really hard.

Plus it's easy to relate to at least one of those characters. The game had me by the scruff with Riddle's storyline because I held myself to a level of perfectionism that also made me break down, so when it happened to Riddle I instantly fell in love. It took me a while to understand Leona's storyline, and then it held me hostage again with Azul's. Idia's own monologue is so powerful that it makes me cry every single time.

So yeah, despite the flaws, I can see gold in there and I doubt I'll get tired of it easily.

[detta-pica]

Fanfic Writer Interview

This should be a nice way to wrap up the year.

How many works do you have on AO3?

11. I was actually surprised when I checked. It feels like I’ve written 6 at most.

I started writing fanfic in 2013, then took a really long break from posting. I still wrote (mostly unfinished novel-length stories) and read a lot, but no fandom pulled me in enough to publish my own stories. Until JJK in early 2024.

It’s the tragedy, I think. It’s not that I want to fix canon, I love it for the pain it’s caused me, but I am strongly motivated to write happier outcomes for my ship.

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

The Darkest Deluge - Kingdom Hearts series, Strifehart & Soriku, 123k words (unfinished, on hiatus)

This is a plot-heavy soft sci-fi story with a big cast and four major POVs. At first, I managed regular weekly updates, but then life happened and I took longer and longer breaks. I still intend to finish it. In fact, everything except for the final battle and dénouement is already drafted. The second my JJK obsession fades a little, I’ll sit down and finally get it done.

Born to Die - JJK, stsg, 40k words

My first JJK fic, a plotty, vaguely futuristic vampire AU. I got to play with very interesting themes in this one. I’ve promised a sequel and I will deliver, though I’m not sure when.

So far from you here next to me - JJK, stsg, 25k words

The first part in a magic realism/witch AU. I expected the series to get barely any traction, since it starts with the unresolved romantic tension tag. Each installment is a self-contained case fic, which is my favourite genre, centred around a theme. For this one, it’s grief.

Wisteria, sufficiently looked at - JJK, stsg, 23k words

Part 5 in the same series, themed around forgiveness. This is where the romantic tension finally gets resolved.

Unknown-C - JJK, stsg, 2k words

A silly, fluffy getting together fic. Technically canon compliant, but I’m always hesitant to use that tag when writing about a non-canon ship.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Every single one, and usually in a timely manner. I also try to match the commenter’s energy, so I’ll leave a long reply to a long comment, and respond to an emoji with an emoji. I want to make sure that each commenter feels appreciated and knows how grateful I am, but also, the reason I write and post fanfic is that I want to be an active participant in my fandom, to be a part of the community. The best way to achieve that, I think, is to interact with people.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

There he is, happy - it’s a canon compliant stsg fic with the MCD archive warning 🤷‍♀️ Alternatively, it’s The Deep Well, but I’m not saying why.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I’m not sure. I guess Unknown-C is the most lighthearted. Aside from the two stories mentioned above, I haven’t written any properly bad endings, but I mean… I’ve been focusing on themes like death and grief. I can’t claim those are happy fics.

Do you write crossovers?

No. I just don’t find the idea compelling. I might do a fusion someday, though. Specifically, JJK characters in the world of Stardew Valley.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not once. I have a small audience, so the likelihood of getting hate is really low for me.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Since September this year, yes. What kinds of smut are there? I guess I’m not super interested in writing penetrative sex? I’m a switch/vers shipper focused on mlm ships (unfortunately; I hope to get hooked on a wlw ship some day).

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I sincerely doubt it.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Also nope. I’d love to try it, but as a discovery writer that plans primarily in themes, I imagine I would be horrible to work with.

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Listen. I don’t have an all-time favourite anything (except maybe Assam tea, but I haven’t tried every variety out there, so this could very easily change). I go through phases, come back to old ships after years and years, and just generally follow my whim.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I have a bunch of WIPs for the early Assassin’s Creed games that I will definitely never finish. They are a decade old.

What are your writing strengths?

Plot? Despite planning in themes, I think my stories are usually plot-driven. I’ve been told my characterisation tends to be true to canon, though that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s strong… Oh! I think I’m good at echoing the original material in different ways, usually through AUs, to explore canon themes from new angles.

Also, worldbuilding. I mostly write AUs, so it’s kind of a given, but I think of myself as a worldbuilder first, writer second.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Action scenes are definitely one. I find the choreography of a fight horribly boring (to read and to write), so I tend to fast-forward through them.

Character voice. I’ve seen people do absolutely incredible things with POV characters. I want to be that good. I will probably never be that good.

Originality of structure, if that makes sense. I think fanfic is an incredible medium for trying out new formats, pretty much without any constraints. But even though I really want to do fun things with story format and structure, I end up falling into safe habits.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

It can be great if it serves a purpose. Sometimes, hiding information from the reader/achieving vibes over understanding is the goal. It can also be useful for settling the reader more firmly in the POV. But it’s the sort of tool that should be used very sparingly, or else it will become frustrating.

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

The Old Guard’s Joe/Nicky. Maybe when the sequel finally comes out? Also Arcane’s Silco/Vander. Unfortunately I can only do one fandom at a time, and I haven’t yet been released from my current obsession.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Oh wow. Hm. I’m gonna say Born to Die, because it was the beginning of my writing journey in a new fandom and it got me out of a fanfic writing slump that had lasted years. Also, it was my first, raw attempt at working through my JJK-related feelings, so it’ll always be special to me in that way.

Thank you @hollow-lime-green for tagging me! This was fun :)

Tagging @poolnoodling and anyone else who’d enjoy doing this!

[rainbowsky]

The Road is Long

By now most people have likely heard some mutterings about shakeups in turtledom. Let's talk about that a bit.

Disclaimer: As always, everything I say is a reflection of my own understanding of things, my own values and ideas and opinions. There are precious few verified facts available here, so we can never know for sure what the real truth is. Therefore, don't take what I say as fact. It's just my opinion, some melancholy musings, and a bit of CPN. Totally fake, of course.

Today is a day of tremendous grief among turtles, as it is believed by many that the person who was handling the LRLG posts has been shifted off of DD's staff. They made a contribution to the rumor house saying simply, "See you next time."

When I saw that I was heartbroken, as were many turtles. If you've been following LRLG at all, "See you next time" has frequently been their sign-off when making a post. If it's a goodbye, it would be a fitting - and poignant - one, made sadder by the context of this situation.

It's also an important reminder that nothing is permanent. We may see more from LRLG one day.

As of my screen cap, the post already has 18,000 comments. Most of them are tearful and grateful, showering LRLG in thanks for all the blessings and stories they've shared with us. Turtles are crying together, sharing supportive messages and gratitude, and being overall the sweet-hearted people they tend to be. Just loving GG and DD and restating their commitment to support them both through thick and thin.

The top comment is a photo of some turtle graffiti, saying, "The summer that belongs to us, no one can take away."

Of course, it wouldn't be a turtle post without some CPN, and many turtles have been pointing out that if the staff changes and removal of LRLG is real, then all the posts from LRLG are likely also real.

But we already knew that. LRLG has come through with proven messages time and again. This is just more confirmation of what many turtles already believed.

But why is this happening?

No one knows the whole story, and most of it is speculation based on various events and situations that have been unfolding over the past several months. However, the generally accepted narrative at this point is that DD's management has begun to cave under pressure from toxic solo fans who have been pushing a lot of demands, causing a lot of commotion and threatening to boycott the YH concert next month.

Up until recently DD's team has been completely ignoring these behaviors (and IMHO, rightly so). No one knows why the approach has shifted, but there are a lot of possible reasons. One of the likeliest being that investors/backers in DD's career and projects, and in YH (since it's now on the HK stock exchange) have caught wind of the toxic fan situation and are getting nervous.

From the perspective of a single-minded moneybags it looks a lot like DD's team isn't keeping the traffic happy, which wouldn't bode well for their bottom line. So of course, they will want something done to restore order.

What they don't appear to be aware of is just how much of DD's traffic is from turtles. As CP fans, turtles don't have the status to make demands like solos do (nor are they so toxic), so they just have to sit by and watch these changes that are harming turtles. They have no recourse.

Some turtles are disillusioned with DD because they've always seen him as the guy who would never back down. Some are angry and hurt and turning away from DD because of it.

What they don't seem to realize is that it's completely out of DD's hands. He would not be at liberty to go against what his backers want. They will no doubt have convincing reasons why this is what's best for his career, and why it's necessary.

This is just more of the squeeze GG and DD have been under from the beginning. They are commodities - they are businesses. GG said it in his interview not long ago. They all work for 'the star'.

“There are two Xiao Zhans, one of them is here, that’s me. There is another Xiao Zhan, the Xiao Zhan in quotes, but he is probably not me anymore. We are all working for him, including myself.”

As businesses that employ a lot of workers and bring in a lot of money, GG and DD aren't at liberty to do whatever they want. They have financial and contractual considerations to deal with. They have reputational and governmental issues to deal with.

The central focus of business and financial entities is always how to avoid and mitigate risk. To those with a stake in GG and DD's careers (and with every new project and endorsement the number of stakeholders grows), the important thing is to ensure maximum profitability with minimum risk. Fan wars represent risk. Toxic solo demands represent risk. Fan boycotts represent serious risk. Turtles - to some degree I'm sure in the minds of many - represent risk. Danmei and all things associated with it represents risk.

If GG and DD want to keep doing what they do, they will have to keep these stakeholders happy. They have a financial and contractual obligation to do so.

The reality is, we've always known GG and DD are in a precarious position. We've always known the government is against danmei. We've always known that things were tightening up and getting worse and worse every year.

Turtles have no standing as fans. As I've said many times when talking about endorsement brand candies, it's highly unlikely that turtles are taken into consideration when calculating GG and DD's fan bases and fan power. When everyone is sitting around the table having deep conversations about how to keep fans happy, it's highly unlikely that turtles are taken much into consideration, if at all.

DD's team has been ignoring toxic motos and their demands, but they've only gotten worse. They've been leaving hateful comments and lists of demands in response to everything his team posts, and elsewhere. They reported YH to the government for unfair ticketing of the concert*. They've been vocal enough that stakeholders and even some passersby will be aware of their discontent. They've been threatening to boycott the YH family concert next month (which, by the way, turtles have stepped up and bought all the tickets motos refused to buy, and will be making a big showing there).

*And they apparently discovered in response that YH isn't the producer of the show, it's produced by another company in a province that the gov't department doesn't have jurisdiction over. So there are theories that maybe the ticketing approach was part of the production agreement.

And it seems finally someone came along and demanded that DD's team does something to appease these toxic little bitches motos. These aren't just some random group of fans, they're organized and ring-led by DD's biggest fan club. That's the sort of thing that will make stakeholders nervous.

The changes to his Weibo bio are likely part of this - not necessarily directly as a result of motos, but also because of what I was talking about before - risk. Danmei is officially condemned by the government. CQL is a danmei drama.

And some of the changes to his team seem to have happened long before now. Remember, we used to get a lot of exciting, affectionate, interesting content from YBO. The video updates, the comic strips, the little anecdotes from his daily life. All of that has gone away a long time ago, and we've been getting increasingly dry, increasingly unimaginative, officious updates (maybe time to rebrand as 'Yibo Officious' 🤔?).

More of that is likely to come. DD's team appears to be wielding a sledgehammer now, not a poet's pen. Just this morning they posted some photos from DD's Moncler event, and attempted to crudely photoshop the numbers from his sleeve.

For those who were unaware, the text on the sleeve reads: "MF: 032/33." This is a Moncler FRGMT varsity jacket with a limited edition of 33 in the world. DD's is 32 of 33. (And has a big yellow flower on it, I might add.)

Why would they try to hide that DD is wearing one of only 33 jackets that exist in the world? Obviously because 32 is a number that will be associated with turtles/GG. But in attempting to obscure it they are acknowledging that it's a CP number. And who chose that number?

Well, repos say that DD spent a lot of time trying on clothes and deciding on an outfit, and we know how much he loves the numbers 2 and 3 (ai zan - love Zhan). The kadian of the jacket would read, "Zhan love/ZhanZhan."

As some c-turtles have rightly pointed out: the team can photoshop the numbers, but they can't stop him choosing them. They can remove LRLG, but they can't stop him choosing to award a prize to the seat at row 2 #30 (and then switching it to row 3 #20 when he was told there weren't 30 seats in each row) at the Chunzhen brand event, and they can't stop him from sitting in seat #5 at the Born to Fly theater during ADLAD. They can change the time when photos are posted on Weibo, but they can't change the time he sets his watch to in the photo.

EDIT: I have a theory about why this whole photoshop thing might not be as bad as it seems. More about that here.

DD will always be DD. He will always love GG. He will always care about turtles. He will always need (and deserve) our support. If he loses it, then the motos win. Don't let them succeed at their nefarious, hateful agenda. DD doesn't deserve that.

Is this the right move for DD's career?

I was among those who thought DD's team would never back down. They'd held strong for many months. But we should never underestimate the driving force of money, and like it or not (and correctly or incorrectly), in the eyes of investors motos represent traffic and profit. The money men will take over the vehicle if they feel its heading in the wrong direction. They don't care what they destroy if it saves their bottom line. But will it work?

Only time will tell, but I'm unconvinced right now. For a few reasons:

Everyone knows, paid ransom only leads to more kidnappings. The more management teams cave in to toxic fans, the more toxic they become. The more emboldened they become. The more they sharpen their knives and shoot off their mouths. It's only going to get worse. And we're talking about people who are already so full of themselves that they physically attack turtles at events. How much worse will it get? What will their next demands be?

Motos' ability to carry traffic is questionable. While DD is consistently doing well, his fans aren't doing anything spectacular for his endorsements or projects. BAH, Luoyang, his films, they did well but weren't the blockbusters some were expecting. And turtles are pulling a LOT of weight for him. If the goals of solos were successful and turtles were gone and it was only motos left, what would that look like? Maybe it's an inferiority complex from constantly being outgunned by shrimps, but I think motos vastly overestimate their own power as a group.

Further to my previous point, turtles are more powerful than they get credit for. They are constantly counted out and underestimated. DD's team might have factored the risk of upsetting solos, but I doubt they've fully calculated the risk and potential harm of alienating turtles. Although my belief (and hope) is that turtles will stay strong. Turtles have taken so many blows over the years, and they still hold the line. As one turtle heartbreakingly put it in response to LRLG's post, "😭😭😭😭😭😭I cry and I cry for nothing else. It's because the two treasures are too difficult and wronged 🥺🥺🥺 Please rest assured that we will never let go of our original intention to protect them 💚❤️💛 we will never break our promise." Some turtles get it, and it only makes them stronger and more committed. Others will be hurt and walk away. And while GG and DD are going to be fine, while their careers will likely continue to thrive, there is something special that turtles give them that is irreplaceable. If things take a bad turn with this team it wouldn't be the first time an outsider came along and carelessly destroyed something beautiful that they didn't understand. Even without the numbers game, there's a personal cost here that only turtles and GGDD will recognize and pay.

A lot of turtles are feeling emboldened, too. A lot of them are tired of covering their faces, hiding their colors and bowing down. It will be interesting to see how that factors in to everything.

We will just have to watch and wait, and see what happens. Regardless of any misgivings I might have about these issues and about his revised team, I will still continue to love and support DD. More than ever, actually. He will need our love.

LRLG is a role, not an individual

Some of you might have noticed over the past couple of years, that LRLG hasn't always kept the same tone, writing style, inflection, etc. in the messages they've shared. Many people - myself included - suspect that's because there have been shifts in staffing before, and the person doing the LRLG messages has changed in the past.

What hasn't changed is the messages or the manner in which they've been shared with us. If that's true, it's because LRLG was a role or a task that continued to be managed and filled regardless of who on staff was available to take care of it.

It's possible that role has been eliminated from the plan moving forward, which would be different from simply shifting who makes the contributions to the rumor house. I don't know for sure, but it seems like maybe there's no one left on his team who is in on it.

But that doesn't mean that LRLG won't show up again in some other capacity, or perhaps at some time in the future. Maybe the contributions will come from GG's side. We don't know.

My thoughts

Like I said earlier, this is all based on conjecture. No one knows all the details from behind the scenes. There could be a lot more to this issue than we realize. We just have to stay strong, and be patient.

In any case, it's a sad time for turtles, and there's no doubt about that. I am grieving these changes along with everyone else. It doesn't help that it comes right at the time I'm deeply grieving the anniversaries of the deaths of 2 close loved ones.

So I'm sad, very sad. Heartbroken is a better word.

I really didn't GAF about CQL being removed from DD's profile. If anything it's a bit of a relief. It can no longer be a factor. People can stop arguing about it, it can stop being such a focus. It's such an inconsequential thing. But YBO acting like turtle antis? Editing out candy and possibly removing LRLG? GUTTED.

The noose keeps tightening, and GG and DD and turtles are always the ones to pay the price.

This whole thing feels like nothing less than the triumph of homophobia, stupidity, mindless self-importance, toxicity and hate, and I've seen enough of that lately to last me several lifetimes.

One thing I know deep in my heart: GG and DD love turtles, they appreciate us, they care about us, and they will find a way to feed us and show us their love. They are smart, mischievous and resourceful, and they seem to thrive on challenges.

So take heart, my friends, and stay strong. Everything is going to be OK. The road is long.

A final word to the motos: I hate to break it to you, honey, but he's never going to marry you.

EDIT:

Follow-up post on whether everyone's wrong about LRLG leaving here.

Follow-up post about whether DD chose these changes here.

Follow-up post about the photoshopping of the jacket sleeve (and my theory about why YBO might still be our ally) here.