#I have my stories of that grief no doubt many of you do also

[utahlive]

Announcement

Hello UtahLIVE viewers, I have come before you today to talk a bit about recent events and how they will impact the future of this blog. Apologies this note is a bit long, but I would really appreciate it if you took some time to read this.

As I'm sure many of you know, within the past month Wilbur Soot/William Gold has been outed as an abuser. I want to make it clear right now that I no longer support him, nor do I accept his apology (mainly because it's not mine to accept in the first place). I stand with and believe Shelby and Alice 100%. This goes for any other victims that have or will come forward that I am unaware of, since I've been trying my best to stay offline. This aint about me!! But it's still hard when someone you look up to and who inspired you to create art turns out to be a shitbag. If you were somehow unaware of this, please go watch Shelby/Shubble's stream (VOD + transcript) and read Alice's post (and mind the CW/TWs) for more information.

This blog has brought me a lot of grief because of all of this. I do not want to support or perpetuate this man's image, but at the same time, I don't want to discontinue a story that I've put so much time and effort into. After a lot of deliberation, I've decided that I am going to continue this story until the end. I will also be adding a disclaimer in the pinned post, and I will no longer be tagging any of my posts from here on out with #wilbur soot or any adjacent tags. I don't think it's fair to myself or to anyone else who has enjoyed this blog to waste all the hard work that I have put in, because ultimately this is my project and my story, not his. If you disagree with this, I totally get it, but I ask you to just unfollow and/or block rather than sending me any hate because I promise you that whatever you say about me "supporting" Wilbur Soot by continuing this blog is something I've already considered myself. He is not (active) on Tumblr, he did not receive any of the money I got from stickers, I doubt anyone is looking at this blog and thinking "wow this Wilbur guy seems cool, let me go listen to his music and watch his vods".

Despite this decision, I'll probably still be taking a bit of time to myself to think about things and focus on school. Updates will likely resume in late March or early April.

I hope you can all respect my stance on this, and I want to reiterate how much I appreciate you all for supporting my work. Love you guys <3

[liaragaming]

The problem with Solas' view of Mythal

Listen, this has been bugging me for a while, and I finally found a way to articulate it...

In Trespasser, Solas sounds completely devoted to her. And he's so bitter discussing her murder. It's almost like he didn't rebel to free the slaves but to avenge her. (He says he wrote that story "in desperation," so I'm not sure.)

In the Inquisition post credits, he takes Mythal's power, and in his mural he paints it as a betrayal. But it also seems like she gave him permission? She knows he needs her power, and there's no doubt in my mind she could stop him from taking it if she wanted. And we saw her put a soul through the eluvian. She's planned and prepared for this. And he's so wrapped up in his own grief that he doesn't see it.

And she tells him she's "sorry as well." And I don't think she's commiserating with him. It's almost like she's apologizing for something she's done that he doesn't realize? Solas thinks he's done something terrible, but I think he did exactly what she wanted him to do.

Like, I'm sure Solas believes Lavellan loves an idealized version of him that isn't true. But I'm thinking maybe he needs to look into a mirror about Mythal?

We've known Flemeth for three games. She always has a plan. She was waiting for you to come kill her in Origins. Just because she was curious about what you and Morrigan would do. You didn't just happen to be the only Grey Wardens she could save. She hand-picked you. Just like she did Hawke.

And Solas comes to this woman at the end of Inquisition thinking he stabbed her in the back??? Honey, sweetie, do you know this woman at all???

I have so many alarm bells going off in the back of my head.

[nierly-amazing]

Controversial opinion: Nier Automata's story would have benefited a lot from the creative freedom of being an indie game with more queer & disabled writers, and writers from heavily colonized places

Probably less controversial to those who are still following my gay ass.

It already manages to be a masterpiece on it's own but there's always going to be constraints in big budget games to appeal to a wider audience--like the rumor/fact/idr that 9S was going to be a girl initially but got changed. There's a lot of good input queer and disabled creatives could have offered from their life experiences and how it relates to some of the transhumanist themes in the game. A lot of people seem to forget the machines have been colonizing earth and genociding the androids for 6000 years and those themes could have been expanded on more too.

Like yay we get lesbian 6O and implied trans Pascal but it doesn't really go anywhere with them. The anime does go more into Pascal and machines swapping parts and 9S completely dismissing it but then they never touch on it again (unless they still plan to but with 4 episodes left I doubt it). I want to see 9S have a crisis over it, (and 2E 2B have a crisis over him having a crisis about it).

It'd be interesting to see more a of a discrepancy between high-end porcelain doll yorha models and underfunded ancient Resistance androids. They all look like normal humans. Even the ship of theseus trader guy with the bad leg looks like a regular android. Give me some androids with fucked up body mods that causes 9S to have another crisis (because this boy can fit so many crises in him). Something something parallels with relationships to gender something something 9S is trans and transphobic--doesn't understand the FEEELINGS or what to do about them.

Yorha could have much stricter rules on body modification that's drilled into the android's heads from day one and then they see the machines swap parts with no reservations and resistance androids swap parts with some reservations. Even the whole "emotions are prohibited" thing could be touched on more with more internal struggle in 9S over his inability to act emotionless, and perhaps touch on the point of conflict with 2B who poorly pretends to have her emotions in check.

Maybe some conflict between the machines in pascals village and how rigid they are in trying to emulate humans. Like a group trying to emulate rigid gender roles despite not having assigned genders or sex characteristics, and a group that just does whatever. Like "no you have to choose" but also "humans didn't choose (mostly) so who cares".

And then there's the fact that most machines in pascal's village are not fully sapient, or are maybe coded as children still learning the world and something something its 1am something something how much should their level of sapience matter

Even with 9S's memory "issues" we only have 1 moment in the anime where he has a flash of past memories. Imagine if his descent into grief-stricken madness in route C had his old deleted memories start resurfacing and mixing with his current ones. Or maybe the machine network had copies of some of them and used them to torment him more.

Imagine if they showed Anemone and Devpop try harder to help him but weren't able to due to them not fully understanding what he's going through and their own hangups about machines. Imagine him being unable to really open up to anyone because he doesn't fully understand what he's going through.

9S """racism""" toward machines isn't at all unique to him. They've been genociding the androids for 6000 years, everyone hates them. I want to see more opinions from resistance androids, especially regarding pascal's village. Even Anemone/Lily aren't completely fine with the idea of trading with machines but are basically forced to out of desperation since the council of humanity left them on read. I want to see more of their internal strife with the concept. I want to see some conflict between resistance and yorha androids, too, and conflict within the resistance over the idea of aiming for a peace treaty.

There could also be some good conflict between 2B and 9S over 2B's willingness to just "accept" pascal's village. Since they both have valid points for their opinions (2B's a big softie and doesn't want to fight and 9S sees pacifist machines 'suddenly' popping up after 6000 years as a mega giganto trap (and why wouldn't he?)).

I would have liked to see more interactions with other androids and how they manage in a posthuman world and them trying to replicate humanity from 11,000 years ago. We have little bits and pieces like the bit where the operators give commander a bunch of brown things for valentine's day instead of chocolates.

Oops I thought I was gonna write like 2 paragraphs but I blacked out and wrote an essay. It's late I might expand on this tomorrow but here's some stuff 2 think about

(and bonus extra controversial opinion but it's kinda fucked up that there's the whole theme about robot sentience and then you can go stab fish in the face for fun and kill moose and boar for a quest so an android--who doesn't need to eat at all--can try eating them. Like here we are arguing about fictional robot sentience and then ignoring actual real animal sentience in our daily lives to the point where we don't even question how messed up killing them for non-survival reasons is)

[rwbyrg]

Hello again! I was wondering, in your own opinion, what moment(s) for both Oscar and Ruby, really implied that there was much more going on with the two character, in the sense that their relationship was starting to evolve? Also what do you like about those moments? To add, do you think we will see it much more in volume 10?

Hello!! I think, generally speaking, all of their focused scenes imply there's more going on or that their relationship is evolving in some way. RWBY doesn't have filler. So when characters - especially ones as central to the narrative as these two - get focused screen time together (and romance-y tropes), it's done with intention.

Ruby's arc is about many things, but especially about how she's pretty much the last silver eyed warrior that can face Salem. Meanwhile, Oscar's arc is about defining who he is while under a curse that robs him of his identity. And in their first meeting, Oscar comments on Ruby's eyes, and she asks him who he is. Even their first lines to each other are mirrored in how they're spoken!

This scene really shows that their character arcs linked from the very beginning.

We get all the stuff I mentioned in my last post and more and none of it is necessary to do if it's not building up to something. Which it very clearly is.

I have no doubts we'll get to see more of their shared story in V10 onward. The V9 epilogue - what was supposed to be the final episode of the season - works as both a closing point for the Atlas arc, and a kick off for the Vacuo one. It's setting the stage for what is to come. A non-extensive list of what we know we're getting so far:

Nora's and Winter's character arcs; both of them struggling with responsibility, grief, and guilt.

Weiss will almost certainly be getting some focus by extension of that as well. Especially because her arc has always been about her family.

Ren being more open and trying harder to support those around him.

Qrow, more hopeful than he's ever been before and how much it's propelling him forward.

And then we have Oscar.

Oscar and the merge. Oscar Pine, Little Prince, pining at Ruby's grave in the desert. I talk about this set up a lot, and it's difficult to explain succinctly because it's got a lot of complex pieces at play (and has been going on since their meeting, as mentioned above). But if I were to try and break it down as simply as possible:

Ruby's fatal flaw is her grief. Her silver eyes are powered by, and the embodiment of, the preservation of life. She doesn't want to lose anyone else that she cares about and cannot bear the weight of responsibility that comes with it alone. So much so that she almost abandons her own identity via ascension because she is offered the choice to do so. She stays true to herself in the end as someone that fights, not for those she's lost, but for those she hasn't lost yet. And the narrative, through all their interactions, but especially the Tea Party, has placed Oscar front and centre in the position of who Ruby hasn't lost yet. Oscar, who wants nothing more than to be a part of the team that he keeps pushing away. Oscar, who just wants to be who he is, to preserve himself, but is being robbed of that choice via the merge. Something Ruby, can't protect him from.

RWBY loves to make its pairings thematically complimentary and it loves pushing characters to their limits. There is no way that the scenes and setup between Oscar and Ruby haven't been intentionally building to something big with how much their respective and shared conflicts are directly playing off of each other. There is no way CRWBY - with their limited budget and resource constraints - dedicated all that screen time to these two for it to not pay off at some point. And given this arc is the last one... now's a good a time as any for it to happen.

[tequila-solar-storm]

NS/FW

CW mpreg, eggpreg

I'm glad to know I wasn't the only one who went A J A W E G G S after that line hahah

Thank you for painting such a delicious picture. I see your vision, I absolutely can't blame Kinich for not wanting to deal with a second Ajaw but what if they turn out to be a second Kinich and tag team against Ajaw lol that'll be somewhat cute haha.

Kinich developing a breeding kink because of ajaw will be hilarious. The saurian relic opened a new horizon for him and now he'll want even more from his partners. Dragonlord be damned!

I'm eating up the hc about his complicated relationship with the tribes cause you're SO right. And ngl I do wanna see what camp two is capable of! lol Trinidad is for sure one of the leading figures in there, he's such a hater HAHAH

Thanks for answering!! Very pleased to have found a space where I can feed my kinich brainrot xD take care author!

—🌻

Previous Post (Eggs)

Previous Post (Relationship with tribe)

Feel free to keep sending your brainrot my way! I love it!! You take care too, anon!! ❤️❤️❤️

Response under the cut! Spoilers for Kinich’s character stories and the Yupanqui's Turnfire Tribal Chronicles!

I wonder how Ajaw’s baby would look like 🤔 A direct copy of Ajaw? Pixel? Dragon? A mix of all three? Ajaw’s technically a projection now, which makes me doubt his real form is pixelated, so probably not pixels?

If Kinich somehow had a guarantee that the kid would turn out more like him than Ajaw, he’ll be jumping on that dragon dick without hesitation!

Imagine after a nice long fuck, his partner of the day casually asks him when did he develop his breeding kink? Kinich, being the blunt fucker he is, just goes ‘Ajaw’ and proceeds to give his partner a whiplash because whAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GOT IMPREGNATED BEFORE BY THE??? TINY PIXEL LIZARD?? HOW?? 🤣

Camp Two wanna fuck him so bad they look stupid!! They’re capable of SO many things, but unfortunately defeating Kinich isn’t one of them. His stamina is simply too good + he’s a raging masochist. So no amount of bullying can break his spirit! He thrives on it instead! Maybe that’s why he could get along (Somewhat) with Enjou/Sanka so well. It’s masochist on masochist communication HAHAHA

And of course, we can’t forget Trinidad! As much of a hater as he is, I don’t think he’ll actually do half of the terrible things Camp Two would. He’s still an elder of the tribe and a generally decent guy (I don’t like him denying Huni her dinner when he scolded her for lying/recklessness, but it’s pretty obvious he was struggling a LOT with grief during that time). Not only does he prioritise the tribe’s safety over tradition (I wanted to watch him argue more with Wayna 😩), Kinich himself says the tribe needs people like Trinidad, which emphasises that he’s an okay person!

If anything, he’ll denounce the other members of Camp Two, being like ‘don’t be disrespectful even if you don’t like him! Be the better person!’ and then turn around and guiltily wank to humiliating Kinich 😳 We also don’t know if he has a living spouse, but if he does, I’d love to imagine his partner being supportive in his desire to wreck Kinich. They’re usually monogamous but because Kinich is THAT annoying they decided to make an exception for him HAHAHAHAHA

If they’re going to do it, Kinich’s going to have to be the one initiating. Once he’s serving himself up on a silver platter, though, there’s no way in hell Trinidad will be able to resist. That’s when all the nasty stuff will come out!! The most tame it’ll be is Trinidad aggressively fucking his mouth so he can’t talk back, scolding him with stuff like ‘Not only are you some Mora-obsessed degenerate, you’re also a loose slut! You can’t be further from a hero!’ While Kinich’s just. Super turned on plus super amused at how mad Trinidad is! The more aggressive end of their sessions can get highly physical, with scratching, biting, slapping etc.

Now I can’t get the mental image out of my head: Trinidad sitting on the edge of a bed, face in his hands, dying of guilt/horror/denial/shock at just having the most mindblowing sex with someone he hates. Post nut clarity in its finest. Meanwhile, Kinich’s staring impassively at Trinidad’s naked, scratched-up back planning to goad the elder into fucking him again 🤣

What would their ship name be actually. Trinich? Trikinich??

[inevitably-johnlocked]

lord steph the 3st! my highness!

may thee bestow upon us a pamphlet of works that ney a soul hath asked for thus far?

*kisses your hand*

LOVELY YOU'RE PERFECT. I genuinely didn't have anything ready for this weekend, and this ask is great so I can copy-paste one of my other lists 💜🖤

Check out today's list; it's a continuation of another list that I posted earlier this year that had too many fics on it so I had to pull this section out to make a part 2. If anyone has a fic to add, please do! Enjoy!!!

INTROSPECTION / CHARACTER STUDIES Pt 2 (MFLs / WiPs)

See also: Introspection / Character Studies

MARKED FOR LATER

Know Him Better by methylviolet10b (T, 450 w., 1 Ch. || ACD Holmes || 221B Ficlets, Introspection) – Holmes and Watson each reflect on how the other is viewed.

Hyperballad by PlantsAreNeat (G, 893 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, Feels, Drugs, POV Sherlock) – Sherlock has bought cocaine after his doubts and fears about his and John's new relationship prey on his mind. Not exactly a danger night, but not not one either.

i can hear it in your voice while you're speaking (you can't be treated) by highfunctioningsociopath (M, 2,500 w., 1 Ch., Post T6T, Depression, Hurt/No Comfort, Pining Sherlock, Relapsing / Drug Addiction, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Missing Scene, Introspection, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms) – The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, after all. It just so happens to be lined with self-destruction. Part 1 of the wires series

lionheart by dreamweavernyx (G, 4,851 w., 1 Ch. || Harry Potter Crossover || Character Study, Friendship) – Some days, Molly finds her eyes straying to that drawer in her desk, the one holding a slim piece of wood and the memories of a life she's left behind.

wires Series by highfunctioningsociopath (M, 5,000+ w. across 2 works || Series WiP || Post T6T / TLD, Angst, Hurt / No Comfort, Loneliness, Mind Palace, Survivor Guilt, Mental Health Issues, Drug Addiction / Abuse, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Sherlock POV, Missing Scenes, Introspection, Psychological Trauma, Abusive Relationships, Grey Mary, Withdrawal, Depression, Self-Esteem Issues) – The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, after all. It just so happens to be lined with self-destruction. (stories currently in series completed)

The Gun Drawer (Ch10) by CarmillaCarmine (M, 5,985 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF, Five Stages of Grief, Suicidal John, Angst, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Introspection) –  A dive into John’s chaotic mind as he reminisces on the first 18 months after Sherlock’s fall. Part 10 of the The Memoirs of Dr. John H. Watson series

Breathe by LoloLolly (T, 8,517 w., 1 Ch. || HLV Fix-It, Grief, Angst, Temporary Character Death, Canon-Typical Violence, Mary is Not Nice, Feelings Realization, Character Study, Blood Mention, Vomit Mention) – In which Sherlock's death is announced a bit...  prematurely in HLV. Things spiral from there.

50 Ways to Feed Your Lover Series by bbcatemysoul (M, 10,509+ w. across 4 works || Series WiP || S3 Divergence / Non Compliance, Light Dom/Sub, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, First Time, Angst, Introspection, Fluff, Masturbation, Developing Relationship, Feeding Kink, Jealousy, Hurt/Comfort) – Sherlock discovers that he deeply appreciates the lengths John will go to in order to keep him fed. (stories currently in series completed)

A Midnight Clear by khorazir (T, 13,120 w., 1 Ch. || Christmas-Carol Inspired || Post S3/Post-TLD / TFP Doesn't Exist, Christmas, Angst, Fluff, Pining, Canon-Typical Violence, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Implied / Referenced Drug Use, Magical Realism) – It’s Christmas Eve, and Sherlock is working. Because that’s what he does. He doesn’t need Christmas, or holiday cheer, or even company. He’s fine on his own, thank you very much – until a series of strange encounters on his way back to Baker Street makes him reconsider.

Just Sherlock by Ranowa (T, 13,720 w., 1 Ch. || Post TFP, Big Brother Mycroft, Protective Mycroft, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Character Study, Repressed Memories, Implied Mystrade) – Post-TFP, John and Mycroft have a much-needed discussion about a struggling Sherlock.

I Heard You Series by Gregorovitch (T, 22,313 w. across 6 works || Unseen Moments, Introspection, Alternating POV, Canon Compliant, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Declarations of Love, Conversations, Angst, Grief/Mourning) – All those times when Sherlock and John could have found each other in various episodes...

Nothing Gold Series by Raina_at (E, 27,901+ w. across 3 works || Series WiP || Friends to Lovers, Grief, Mentions of PTSD, Introspection, Domestic Fluff, Blow Job, Relationship Discussions, Developing Relationship, Bisexuality) – What do you do when you can't go back? Do you hold on? Or do you let go? (stories currently in series completed)

Red Number Day by PipMer (M, 39,325 w., 7 Ch. || Magical Realism AU || Friends to Lovers, Light Humour, Minor Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Sow Burn, Angst, Light Fluff, Character Study, First Kiss/Time) – In a world where everybody has a set deathday, Sherlock Holmes is the only person who can see them. As with most talents, it's both a blessing and a curse. Because Death is a fixed point. Indelible, unchangeable, inevitable. It can't be altered, cheated or delayed.

A Thing With Peas by khorazir (M, 39,357 w., 3 Ch. || Post-S3/Post-TLD/TFP Doesn't Exist, Fluff and Angst, Communication, Demisexual Sherlock, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Idiots in Love, Friends to Lovers, Developing Relationship, Implied / Referenced Drug Use, Parentlock, First Kiss) – Sherlock does the laundry. John cooks a thing with peas. They talk. Finally.

Mind the Gap by orphan_account (E, 45,089 w., 6 Ch. || Victor Trevor, Dubious Consent, POV First Person Sherlock, Character Development, Friendship, Pining Sherlock, Fluff, Introspection, Parent Death, Vulnerable Sherlock, Doctor John, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Child Abuse, Implied Sexual Abuse, Domestic Abuse) – An introspective journey through the life and relationships of Sherlock Holmes. "I can hear the bones hum beneath pale and freckled skin, this sack that holds my form together. Bits and pieces that start at the bottom and end at the top, hiding the blood, muscle, fat. Cells, knit together, constantly in motion. They'll live and die, and replicate, until total equilibrium is met."

All These Things That I've Done by Ewebie (E, 55,913 w., 15 Ch. || Pre-ASiP, John-Centric, Angst, John’s Past, Doctor John, Soldier John, Jolto, Deaths, John’s Injury, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Major Character Death, Character Study/Meta Fic) – How Everything is always John Watson's fault. A study of John Watson's life before Sherlock Holmes. 

The Cold Song Series by Eldritchhorrors (E, 72,586+ w. across 7 works || Series WiP || BDSM Themes, Psychological Drama, Music/Violin, Romance, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Anal, Character Studies) – This is how broken people fall in love...

noise complaint by simplyclockwork (E, 85,324 w., 28 Ch. || Younger Characters AU / Alternate First Meeting || Uncertain Sherlock, Strangers to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Night Clubs, Case Fic, Fluff, Humour, Past Substance Abuse, Gay Club, Mild Angst, Introspection, Family Issues, Meddling Mycroft Controlling Mycroft, Bed Sharing, Family Angst, Acceptance, Falling in Love, Queerness, Community) – One loud upstairs neighbour and three days of non-stop party music lead Sherlock to an unexpected meeting.

The Good Morrow Series by greywash (E, 216,513 +w. across 5 works || Series WiP || Post-TRF Divergence, Horny John, Smut, Feelings, Negotiations, Christmas/Advent, Sherlock is a Mess, Relationships, Addiction Issues, PTSD, Therapy, Injury, Aging, Loneliness, Marriage, Family, Friendship, POV Second Person, Travel, Character Studies, Imagined Sex, Love, Multiple Pairings) – A post-S2 series where everyone has a lot of feels about everything and plausibility is stretched unto breaking. Also: fucking. (stories currently in series completed)

NUTRISCO ET EXTINGUO by Zoffoli (M, 327,772 w., 53 Ch. || Alternating Second Person POV, Post-TRF, Character Study, Romance, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Humour, Mystery) – "You haven't said what you wanted to say." Well yes, some things take you by surprise, and you're not quite prepared for them. Like when your best friend jumps off a building in front of you.

WORKS IN PROGRESS

You're more than what happened to you (Over teatime) by writing5ever (T, 4,377+ w., 4/5 Ch. || WiP || Character Study, Tea, Developing Relationship, Asexual Sherlock, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Drug Use, Four and One) – Four Times John and Sherlock talk about feelings over tea. And One time where they don't have to. - OR - a character study on Sherlock Holmes done through a plotless storyline.

A Piece of Eight Series by by KtwoNtwo (T, 30,562+ w. across 5 works || Series WiP || One Piece Space AU || Character Study, Space Pirates) – Mankind has spread out through the galaxy on ships with solar sails and jump drives. Here be tales about a particular sector of the galaxy where the Commonwealth of New Britannia is adjacent to a gravitational anomaly commonly referred to as the Red Line. Avast all ye spacers, batten down the hatches and prepare for interesting weather; its a space AU crossover between One Piece and Sherlock.

The Edge of the Sea by weeesi (E, 46,455+ w., 14/? Ch. || WiP || Pre/Post-TRF, POV John, Angst, Complicated Relationships, Pining John, Jealous John, Victor Trevor, Grief/Mourning, John's Trust Issues, Closeted John, Character Study, Panic Attacks) – Sherlock is dead. The next week passes in a blur. Mycroft invites John not to come to the funeral if he’d like, except for the fact that Mrs Hudson needs an escort and he’d really rather get through it than wonder forever what it would have been. He goes, and sits, and contains, and pours a cup of scalding-hot coffee down his throat which he hopes will burn down the tumble of nerves and anger and the type of sick-sadness he can’t examine too closely and the other feelings he won’t even acknowledge. He misses not missing him all the same. John spends the next two years alone. Sherlock doesn't.

Shatter Me by Loveismyrevolution (E, 183,191+ w., 22/26 Ch. || WiP || Sherlock Dances, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Angst with Happy Ending, Misunderstandings, Introspection, Mutual Pining, UST, Idiots in Love, Big Brother Mycroft, Implied Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions) – This is a story about two men trying to find their way back into the comfort of their companionship. No easy task in the aftermath of the events of Reichenbach, a wedding and a shot through the heart. They are facing a very rocky road ahead with a lot of introspection, misunderstandings, angst and pining. They each try to cope in their own particular way. Eventually, they'll find a way to communicate and learn about the true nature of their feelings.

[deansapplepie]

Till THE DEAD do us part |Chapter 13

A/N: This story will take place in all the seasons, but it’s not exactly a rewriting cause I’d have to re-watch everything to use the exactly lines of the characters, also I think it’s better if I tell a side story without changing the main facts of the story. This story has a Female Reader, but I don’t describe her appearance, so anyone can identify with her.

Chapter 12 Chapter 14

Series Masterlist Main Masterlist

Chapter 13: This group’s broken

Summary: Randall is still a problem the group needs solve and come to an agreement about. The happenings of the barn is still something shaking some people. Feelings and traumas from the past comes to haunt Y/N making her anxiety boil and overthink a lot.

Warnings: swearing, angst, death, mentions of violence, gore, suicide attempt (not narrated, but mentioned), mentions of depression, mentions of torture, mentions of execution, traumas, anxiety, mentions of abusive relationships, fear of abandonment, brief discreet mentions of sex, loss, grief. Minors do not interact.

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Grimes!Reader (Rick’s Sister)

Word Count: 5,834

Extra notes: I proofread the text, but English is not my first language, so feel free to correct any mistakes, of course with love. Also, there’s a bunch of warnings in this one but there’s also fluff, comfort and a bit of fun.

Finally Randall’s leg was well enough so he could survive alone in the wild that was Earth now, so Rick and Shane would carry him miles away from the farm and release him. You weren’t very happy about Rick going alone with Shane.

“Let me go with you, please.” You pleaded Rick for the millionth time, Shane wasn’t someone reliable anymore, you couldn’t risk losing your brother again and have Shane coming back with some lame excuse how he made for Otis.

“Y/N, I’m the one here with self defense skills, not you. I can handle myself well without you. I need you here.” Rick said, and that would be the last time he would tell you, he was losing his temper already. “No discussion.”

“Be careful, please. He’s dangerous.” You hugged him and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

“I’ll be, don’t worry. I need this time alone with him. I’m coming back.” He assured you and hoped it would really turn out like this, because you could see the madness in his eyes, and by how we was obsessed with Lori… you didn’t doubt he would be able to do atrocities even to his ‘brother’.

After they left, you couldn’t get rid of the uneasy feeling you had on the pitch of your stomach. You were going to help around in the farm and in the house, but your mind couldn’t stop the worry. You were giving the horses water when you heard a knock on the stables door, you look to your side and you saw Daryl. As much as the idea of scaring you was tempting enough, he chose not to do so.

“Just wanted to let ya know I’m gonna hunt, maybe bring somethin’ good.” He approached you.

“Ok, be careful, please and don’t come back late. I’m already worried enough by Rick.” You said, then looked both sides and didn’t see anyone around. You tiptoed and pecked his lips.

He blushed, he had been doing way more than this with you and he blushed because you gave him a small kiss inside a stable where the only witnesses were the horses. He knew you were worried about Rick being alone with Shane, things between you and Shane had gone bad since the day of the happenings of the barn and it was just going down. When Daryl told you one night that he thought Shane had killed Otis, things spiraled really quick and you started seeing Shane with different eyes, many attitudes from him made sense actually. He wasn’t the person that you used to know anymore.

“Dun worry. Rick’s tough, he basically came back from the dead, nothing bad is happening to him.” He said, he could practically read your mind and know everything you were thinking about it.

“And you?”

“Me too. I’m gonna be careful. I promise, I’ll be back in one piece.” He gave you a quick kiss, you said your goodbyes and you went back to your chores.

Lori was inside the house helping with the chores and also helping Maggie taking care of Beth. She was still not good, she was in a state of depression that got all of you worried. Lori was preparing a lunch for Beth, so you were around the kitchen with her and Maggie. Maggie was talking about Glenn with Lori, you decided to not participate of the conversation, but you were listening to everything. Lori was more experienced on the topic of relationships, you knew what was good or not, but just theoretically. Until now you had had just one boyfriend before Daryl and it was a shitty experience, so you didn’t know if you had something wise to say even though you were older than Maggie. You thought it was a bit too much when Lori said that Glenn should man up, imagine saying it to the young man, he would be sad or really offended, or both.

“Glenn is just scared, he’s a good guy. You’re probably his first love, I can’t say it for sure, but that’s what it seems. He’ll overcome this fear of him. Don’t worry.” You passed an arm on Maggie’s shoulder and gave a little squeeze on her arm to reassure her.

“And how about you and grumpy man? Have you already said the words?” She elbowed you playfully.

“Hmm… no. Not exactly. I don’t know if it’s like this.” You said, you were always reserved about your personal matters, always keeping everything to yourself, afraid to let people know your feelings or to be exposed and feel weak. But maybe, some girl talk wouldn’t be that bad. “He said the other day I was his and I also said it to him…” You paused thinking if you’d say the other thing that came to your mind to them.

“And…?” Lori asked. “We know there’s more. Spill it.”

“He… he said that his… you know… was mine.” You blushed instantly talking about it and thinking about it. Was it correct to tell such thing to others? You never knew what was ok, and what wasn’t, but it’s not like if you were telling all the sordid details of what you two did.

Lori made a face as if she was thinking ‘wow, the man really have some balls’ and Maggie just had a fit of giggles, giving you a side hug and squeezing you. “It’s almost the same thing as saying that 3 words.” Maggie observed.

“It isn’t, this is possessiveness which is normal in relationships even the healthy ones. But anybody can have this without love.” You told Maggie, she was young, probably didn’t have unhealthy relationships she wouldn’t know. You were maybe 8 or 9 years older than her, it was a different experience, especially with broken people.

“Well… everybody can see, but we can’t stop you from being stubborn. I need to go help Glenn, but if you need anything you can call me.” She said and then turned to Lori. “Thank you so much for helping with Beth.”

“It’s nothing really.” Lori said and got the tray to give lunch for Beth.

You stayed at the house and helped Lori at the kitchen, you washed some dishes and cleaned and organized the room. After one hour or so, Lori went to Beth’s room to get the tray back. She came back with untouched food, Beth couldn’t continue like that. When she was throwing away what Beth didn’t eat, she suddenly stopped and ran from the kitchen.

“What happened? Lori?” You asked her, but she was already gone. She came back a knife in hand and in a rush.

“Go and Keep an eye on Beth. I’m gonna bring Maggie or Hershel.” She said and left.

You left the kitchen and went to Beth’s room, on your way you put the pieces together and realized Beth had hidden the knife and was probably going to attempt something against herself. Soon Lori arrived with Maggie and Andrea, Maggie asked to be left alone with Beth and all of you went back to the kitchen.

You were trying to be in good terms with Andrea again, so you decided you’d try not to talk back at her when she said stupid things, even though they were talking about Beth. You just stayed there watching while they talked Andrea thought Beth should make her own choice, which is very different from what happened with her. Beth is just a kid and she’s not dying because she was bitten, so why let her commit suicide? She should be talked to and taken care of to help her get better. You bit your tongue trying to not express yourself, but you just couldn’t contain it when Andrea brought up the fact that Lori had her husband back, her child was saved, she had a baby on the way and had a ‘boyfriend’. And Andrea had to finish bringing you up in the middle of the thing, did you disagree with her? Yes. But did you say anything about it? No, just on your mind. So why bring you to the discussion?

“And you…” She pointed at you startling you at the suddenly call. “You have your brother, your nephew, a new nibling on the way and you’re fucking Dixon like rabbits, you would never understand.”

“Andrea, are you serious? I wasn’t even in the discussion. Why do you always involve me in your shit? You don’t get to speak like this to Lori, we had a lot of blessings, but we also suffered like everyone else. Do you think we were happy the whole time we thought Rick was dead? Or that it didn’t cross our minds that Carl was going to die? You think we didn’t suffer because of Amy, Jim, Jacqui, Sophia or all the others lost we had along the way?” She said everything she wanted to Lori and now she was going to listen to you. “And why do you mind who I fuck? You’re fucking Shane, and nobody told you a word. Mind your own business.”

You almost didn’t stop to breath while the words just came out of your mouth like a waterfall. “I wasn’t going to say anything regarding Beth, but she’s only sixteen. She’s a kid, we have to protect her and try to help her get better, and not encourage the way out. Andrea, I think we’re never going to be in good terms again, there’s no way. You’re not the same anymore.”

You left the house and went back to the camp, finding Carl and Luna playing with a stick. Carl had been acting colder and colder in the last days, it was good to see him being a kid, even if it was for a brief moment. You played a little with them, but to be honest you were still nervous about Andrea and worried about Beth.

After 30 minutes, maybe one hour, you didn’t know exactly, you heard a commotion in the house. You told Carl to stay there and ran to see what happened. When you arrived to the source Lori and Maggie had just opened the door to the bathroom and there was a crying Beth, hand on her bleeding pulse, asking for help and saying she was sorry. You learned Maggie had left Beth alone with Andrea and it was her biggest mistake, because she left the girl alone and God knows what she said to her. Maggie had a fight with Andrea and told her to never again step in the house. You were done, your stress level was up on the sky already.

When it was almost getting dark you saw Daryl coming back, you walked in his direction happy to see him and have an excuse to not be in the camp, hence near to Andrea. You met him halfway, he had some rabbits and squirrels, you knew it probably wasn’t what he really wanted but you were grateful for any meat that he brought back.

“I thought you’d never comeback.” You said walking by his side.

“I said I’d comeback.” He answered and took a quick glance at you. “Jus’ didn’t wanna comeback without something.”

“We’re all grateful to you, bringing meat or not.” You said while you arrived the small camp of yours.

He took everything he needed to start to skin what he brought and clean so it would be ready for consumption. You sat near him observing his work, you never tried, but now you had observed him doing it so much that you’d probably be able to skin something if you needed or wanted to.

“Wha’s wrong?” He asked still concentrated on his job. Once again, you were surprised on how he could know something was not right. “I can see all over ya that somethin’ is bothering ya.”

“Today was a stressful day” You propped your elbows on your knees and rested your face between your hands. You recalled all the situation with Beth and Andrea, and you just wish this day didn’t happen, and it was far from being one of your worst days.

“Wha’ happened?” He lifted his head from his work and took a look at you. You looked tired, everyone was always tired nowadays, but it was not only physical it seemed that your mind was also tired.

“Andrea was a bitch. I swear I tried to be on good terms with her again. And Beth tried the way out, I believe encouraged by Andrea. Maggie left them alone and Andrea also left Beth alone.” You gave him the short story of all that happened. “I should have gone with you.”

“Yeah, ya should.” That was his way of saying ‘I missed you’.

Soon you saw the car in which Rick, Shane and Randall left arriving back in the property. When you saw Rick getting off the car you felt relieved to see him, but apparently they had comeback with Randall. Shit, it wasn’t over. As soon as Daryl finished skinning and cleaning the hunt, you went to to the camp to meet Rick and know what happened.

Once you arrived you saw that Rick had bruises and cuts on his face, no way it was the kid, walkers? No. It was Shane. Damn, he had the audacity to attack Rick. You didn’t even think, you turned around, hot headed and ready to go look for Shane and beat the hell out of him.

“Where d’ya think ya’re going?” Daryl hold your arm stopping you to go anywhere. He knew where you were going, sometimes he could read you so easily that it surprised him.

“I’m going to give Shane hell, nobody gets to touch my brother.” You yanked your arm from Daryl’s hand, just for him to catch you again, holding his arms around you so you couldn’t go. That wasn’t the moment for you to be reckless.

“Y/N, do you think I was just beaten? I also beat him.” Rick reasoned with you.

“Either way, it wasn’t enough, he deserves worse.” You said, still fighting – in vain - in Daryl’s arm.

“Woman, stop. Ya’re being more hot-head and stubborn than me.” Daryl turned you around and hold you by the shoulders. “Look at me.” He commanded, and you looked at him, right in his beautiful blue eyes. “Don’t do anything stupid. He’s uncontrollable and ya know it. If he lays a finger on ya, I dunno what I’m capable of doing and I dun wanna find out.”

“Ok.” You answered and didn’t try to go for Shane, but you still felt like ending him. “Why did you bring the kid back?” You directed the question to Rick.

“He said he studied with Maggie. Which means he knows where the farm is.” Rick ran his hand on his face. “We’ll need another solution.”

The other day, after breakfast, Daryl went to the room where Randall was, he said he was going to talk with him. It was taking a long time for him to return and you were starting to get worried.

“Ok, that’s it. I’m going to see what is taking him so long to come back.” You told your brother.

“Don’t, the kid is handcuffed. There’s nothing he can do against Daryl.” Rick said standing on your way. “I don’t wanna you close to that guy.”

“I think you had said you’d stop treating me like a child, Rick.” You looked at his face and you could see there was something wrong. “Are you two hiding something? That’s it? Now you have secret agreements between both of you?”

Before Rick could say anything, you saw Daryl coming in your direction. Was that Blood on his hand? ‘Holy shit! What the hell have you done Daryl Dixon?’, you thought. He arrived telling you all the information he got from the kid, there were 30 in his group, they were violent and dangerous, they raped women. You followed Daryl to your tent, you could feel he was still angry, so you were thinking about what should be the best approach.

“D. Let me see your hands.” You requested and he started organizing his things to leave and go into the woods.

“There’s nothing to see, I’m good.” He said with some arrows in his hand.

“Daryl.” He ignored you.

“Daryl Dixon.” He ignored you again, stuffing things on his backpack, so you just got close to him silently and yanked his backpack throwing it on the ground.

“What the fuck Y/N?” He shouted at you, now you had his full attention.

“Stop, this shit! I’m talking to you, your hands are hurt! Let me take care of them.” You told him your voice high. He looked at you impatient. You took his hand and guided him to one of the beach chairs. “Sit.”

“I ain’t a dog.” He complained while you made him sit.

“So, why are you obeying me?” You threw back while you picked the First Aid kit inside the tent. You were playing with fire and you knew it.

He tried to get up while he mumbled something in protest that you couldn’t understand. But you were faster than him and pressed his shoulder down so he would sit again. You took the other chair and brought it close to him, sitting in front of him, your legs between his so you could be closer to take care of his hand.

“Gimme your paw, I mean, your hand.” You joked one hand extended on his direction waiting for him to give you his hand. “If I’m a puppy, you might as well be one. Or maybe you’re a Kitten, you are as skittish as one.”

He gave you his left hand very reluctantly, but he knew you would not let him be if he didn’t. You took his hand and saw how his knuckles were hurt, your heart ache by seeing his hand like this, but you also felt uneasy about the young man that was on the other side of his fist. You took some alcohol and wet a cotton swab to pass where he was hurt.

“It’s gonna hurt.” You alerted him, he didn’t say anything. He just observed your small hand holding his and tendering his wounds with the cotton swab, hissing when it hurt too much. “Did Rick ask you to do this?”

“No.” He answered, short… good he didn’t want to talk.

“Did he know about it?”

“Maybe.” He answered eyes on your hands now cleaning the wounds with boric-water.

“Or he did or he didn’t. Gonna take it as he did, he was acting suspect.” You stated, looking at your first aid kit for some ointment.

“Are ya angry at me?” He asked while you passed the ointment on his wounds.

“No, just concerned and upset. Gimme your other hand.” You took his other hand and started to give the same care. “I don’t like both of you hiding things from me.”

“ ‘m sorry, ya dun agree with what I’ve done, do ya?” He asked, head still down paying attention to you.

“Torturing isn’t right.”

“I didn’t have an option, we needed the information about his group.” You cleaned his other hand. “His group… the things he said they did… he’s not someone to be around or for us to let go, he knows where the farm is.”

“So, do you think we should kill him?” You asked a cotton swab passing on his hand.

“Yes.” He said, you were conflicted. You were always taught that killing was wrong, you can’t take life from someone. Unless it’s a walker, of course. Or, if your life is in danger. But execute someone? It sounded wrong, but at the same time… you should think about the group safety. “Don’t ya agree?”

“I don’t know… I think it’s wrong, but I also see that we’re out of better options.” You passed the ointment on his hand.

“Are ya comin’ to the woods with me?” He asked a little apprehensive that you wouldn’t want to be with him because you were upset.

“Thought you’d never ask.” You looked at him and smiled, no way you’d be stuck in the farm again in the middle of all the chaos.

You were having things done to go, when you saw Dale arriving followed by Luna swinging her tail. Dale came to talk to you about the decision of killing Randall, he wanted to know what both of you thought, and of course try to convince you otherwise if you thought the boy should be killed.

“I’m not sure Dale, really. At the same time I think we shouldn’t, I don’t see any other solution.” You said, despite you thought your opinion would not be so important in the end. Dale tried reasoning with Daryl to no avail.

“This group’s broken.” He said, and when you heard that… you couldn’t help but feel bad. Was really your group broken? Did Daryl think the group wasn’t good enough for him anymore? Did he want to leave? Would he leave without you? Would he even tell you if he decided to leave? Was he tired of you?

You were so caught up in your anxious thoughts that you didn’t even saw that Dale was long gone and Daryl was calling you so you could go. “Pup, what’s wrong?” He asked, his hand waving in front of you worried.

“Nothing.” You lied, and he knew you lied. “Let’s go?”

He got his things, you got yours, Luna followed you and you walked silently until you reached the woods. You were open and comfortable with Daryl, you always were and it even annoyed you some times, because you would speak whatever is on your mind, and in your opinion you said things you shouldn’t say. But you couldn’t talk about your feelings, or you tried not to, because of a bunch of insecurities clouding your thoughts. He wasn’t also very comfortable about talking about feelings, so it was understandable, but at the same time he felt uneasy if he didn’t know everything that’s on your mind. He held your hand and it startled you from your unstoppable thoughts.

“Ya lied again.” He didn’t took his eyes from the woods searching for any danger or possible hunt. His voice didn’t change the tone, there was no anger or negative feelings on his speaking.

“I don’t wanna talk about my feelings.” You said looking at your feet attentive to where you stepped, your other hand slightly brushing over Luna’s head.

“But I want to know what ya’re feeling. I need to.” He said, damn… did he sound vulnerable? Was he weak? He couldn’t allow himself to look pathetic and weak, but he also didn’t want to mistreat you. “ ‘m not good talking ‘bout feelings, but I always need to know yers.”

You stopped walking and you turned to him, now holding both of his hands, or more like his hands engulfing yours. “Be honest.”

“Never lied to ya.” He said looking at your face while you were looking down at your hands. “Look at me, please.”

You lifted your head, looking right at his eyes and all you saw was worry. You took a deep breath taking all the courage you had to speak. “Are you…” ‘not happy with me?’ You wanted to complete but stopped mid-sentence. “Do you wanna leave us?”

“Of course not. Where did this come from?” He asked, but before you could answer his mind started to put the pieces together. “That’s because I said the group’s broken, isn’t it?”

“Yes” you said, just that. Unable to say more or add anything else that were running like a tornado inside your mind.

“It wasn’t a lie. I think the group’s broken. Shane’s crazy. Andrea’s reckless and listens to Shane. Carol’s still broken because of Sophia. Glenn… if Hershel decided to kick us from the farm, he’d stay behind and I don’t blame him. This group isn’t like it used to be, not that we were perfect befor’ , we never were.” You took all his words putting everything together and trying to reason what he said. Still feeling uneasy. “Wha’s on yer head?”

“It’s just… when you said it, it seemed like you didn’t care anymore about the group or what happens with it.” You looked at his growing bangs that fell on his forehead, or you wouldn’t be able to say it if you looked at his eyes. “Or…” You paused, no, no, you couldn’t say what you were thinking not at all. You’d scare him, he’d leave you.

“Or wha’ baby?” You looked at his eyes again, and with the worry you saw a softness that you didn’t quite know what it meant. He never called you ‘baby’ outside of the sheets and it made your heart jump and butterflies fly in your stomach.

“Or…” you shifted your eyes to look at your hands, tears threatening to fall. Shit. Why were you so emotional and making a big thing of something this small. “That you didn’t want me and would leave.”

Things had been so good between both of you, that Daryl forgot you still had traumas from your past relationship, traumas that would trigger only when you were in a relationship and could experience things again. And now, was one of those moments. He couldn’t imagine half the shit you’ve been put through so you’d think he would leave you or that he didn’t want you, after he asked you to live with him, after he showed you his scars… after both of you broke so many walls that were built around yourselves.

He let go of your hands and hugged you, you always reassured him when he had his insecurities, now was the moment for him to do the same for you. “I ain’t leaving.” One of his arms was around your waist while the other was in your head bringing your face to hide between his chest and shoulder. “I want ya, and I dun see myself not wanting ya any time soon.”

It was as if a tap was open and the tears that were in your eyes fell making you let little sniffs and hold both hands on Daryl’s vest. “I told Rick, and I’m telling ya now, I ain’t playing with ya.” He didn’t put any names on what you had, he never said ‘I like you’ or ‘I love you’, he didn’t even know how to name what he felt or if he could feel any of those things. But he knew he wanted you, he needed you and he was going to protect you. He had already told you, you were his and indirectly that he was yours, but he couldn’t bring any of those words, these simple words scared him… So he said what he could manage to come out of his mouth. “We’re together.”

You took your face from his chest and looked at his face, he was serious, this wasn’t any sick joke. You should’ve known, you knew Daryl, he wasn’t like that… and you never doubted it. You shouldn’t start doing it now just because you had a relationship. He was not him. He was Daryl and you knew you could trust him. “I’m sorry. I think my period is close, or something…” It was probably something, but you could always blame the hormones, so why not?

He kissed the top of your head tenderly and looked at your face again, now you were better. You looked more like yourself when there wasn’t all those intrusive thoughts and anxiety. “What do ya say I teach ya a little bit of hunting and tracking?” He asked.

“I was waiting for the day you’d offer me this.” You smiled, your hands now resting flat open on his chest. “I’d love if you taught me.”

When it was close to sunset you and Daryl came back to the farm, you didn’t hunt anything as he taught you were still learning so it didn’t go good. He held your hand in his intertwining your fingers and you walked in silence, Luna leading the way in front of you sometimes stopping to wait for your slow asses.

In the moment you arrived at the farm Rick made a call, he was waiting for both of you to make a reunion so everyone could say their opinions about the boy Randall. Everyone except Dale wanted to kill the young man, Dale was extremely disappointed. You still didn’t know what to think about it, but you knew Dale was right.

“I’m with Dale.” You suddenly said and walked to stay by Dale’s side, even though you knew there was no way of winning the vote, you wanted to stay true to yourself. “He’s not his group and as far as we know he didn’t commit a crime that he deserves death penalty.”

You felt like you would combust at any moment just by the stares of Rick and Daryl that didn’t quite understand why you were siding with Dale and not thinking clearly about the wellbeing of the group. Shane also looked at you like you were insane, but you didn’t give a single fuck about it, so it was ok. The others were neutral at you. Soon Andrea also said she was with Dale, but in the end you three weren’t enough to deprive the group from killing Randall.

Everybody left the room to continue their activities, it was getting dark so Daryl, Rick and Shane would take the prisoner to do what they needed to. You were ready to descend the porch stairs when Daryl held your arm slightly and put you aside.

“We need to talk.” He said, and you already knew.

“Is it because I agreed with Dale?” You asked, you knew the answer. “Do you hate me because I disagreed from the group?” All that mattered was that if he would change about you just because you didn’t agree with them.

“Yeah, and I dun hate ya.” Actually it was quite the opposite, but he was concerned about your choices.

“I knew the majority of us would choose his death, my vote would make no difference. So I decided to stay true to myself.” You said, you could see understanding crossing his face by each word you said. “Just because I don’t think it’s right, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be done.”

He nodded at you. “Alright, I ain’t upset. Go stay with Lori while we do this.”

You were with Lori when you saw the three taking Randall to the barn, you held your sister’s hand as a comfort for you. You weren’t going to see the execution, but knowing someone, a human being would be killed in the same place you were was scaring. You were comfortable killing walkers, they weren’t alive anymore, they were just walking corpses. In reality you thought it was merciful to kill the monster that once was a person.

“Don’t think much about it, it’s worse if you do.” Lori tried to calm your nerves, but it was impossible to not think about it.

After some time you didn’t listen to any gun shot and soon you saw Rick and Carl arriving to camp. Wait, Carl? Shit. Shit. Shit. Rick explained that Carl went there to see and that he was encouraging to kill the man. What was happening to the kid? He couldn’t lose himself so quickly like this. Rick wasn’t able to do this with Carl looking, so he postponed the execution.

“Where’s Daryl?” You asked, you saw everyone but him.

“He’s locking Randall again, he’s probably gonna be here soon.” As soon as he finished talking all of you listened to extremely pained screams.

Dale!

You ran in the direction of the screams, Daryl being the first to arrive started shouting for help. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It was bad. All of you arrived almost at the same time and what you saw was heartbreaking, all his guts coming out of his ripped stomach. No. You cried. No.

“Hershel!” Rick shouted, the only thing he thought was you all needed him there to take care of Dale.

“It’s too late, Rick.” You said, tears rolling down your cheeks. You knew as much medicine as Hershel knew, both of you vets, the old man was just more experienced and have treated more people than you, that had only cleaned T.’s wound and took care of Daryl’s hands. “There’s nothing he can do.”

Hershel arrived and said the same thing, you couldn’t even move Dale. He was agonizing. Andrea pleaded that someone did something. Everyone was in pain by seeing Dale like that. He didn’t deserve this kind of death. Rick aimed his gun at Dale, it was best if someone ended this for him. You turned your back, you didn’t want to see, you had already seen more than you wanted to see. You wait for the gun shot, but before you listen to it there’s a raspy voice. “Sorry, brother.” And soon after Daryl’s voice the sound of the shot.

You were waiting for the shot. You knew it was going to happen, but you jumped at it a cry living your lips. You covered your mouth trying to muffle your sobs. You felt a pain in your chest, everybody felt it. There were cries, sobs and lamenting.

That night you cried yourself to sleep, and it wasn’t a peaceful one, even having Daryl’s soothing presence near you.

Dale was the group’s heart and now you felt like your group were definitely broken.

Wanna be add to my tag list? Let me know. (Please tell me if you want to be tagged on everything or just specific series)

Everything Taglist: @lilyevanstan1325

Till THE DEAD do us part Taglist: @sunnybunnyy2 @royaltysuite @isakyakiisak @milopenne @murdadixon

[blissfullyapillow]

‧₊˚ ┊When the Stars Embrace the Moon 

♡⸝⸝ Makoto Yuki x gn reader 

♡⸝⸝ wc: 2,413~

𝄞 ‧₊˚ ☽ ⋅ Song inspiration: Tek It I End of Beginning I Ghost I When the Moon’s Reaching Out Stars I 

♡⸝⸝ Warnings: Angst with a happy ending & depictions/implications of intense feelings of grief. Major Persona 3 Reload, Persona 3 FES, and Persona 3 FES: The Answer ending spoilers. Also mildly spoils some character stories regarding Persona 4 Arena and Persona 4 Arena Ultimax. I wrote this with Persona 3 FES in mind as I have no intention of playing Persona 3 Reload.

♡⸝⸝ Pillow Talks: This is what happens when you get too emotionally attached to a fictional character lol. The way this ends is not only my way to cope (lol) but because it’s heavily implied in Persona 4 Arena, as well as Persona 4 Ultimax, that Elizabeth is doing something that will result in a change. In PersonaQ (I have yet to finish it), even Margaret knows something will occur regarding Elizabeth but she must refrain from speaking of it. It is unknown whether this will result in Minato coming back, and of course many have mixed feelings on if he did come back and how that would impact the meaning behind his death. I’m interested to see what Atlus has planned regarding Elizabeth (after they make their 10th Persona 5 spin-off). Personally, Minato is my favorite fictional character of all time so I want him to come back. Anyway, I digress; I hope you enjoy. <3

♡⸝⸝ P.S: I have to clarify I made a magnificent reference to my fav song from Persona 3 FES, “When the Moon’s Reaching Out Stars” with the line, “It soars to the sky, to cast its adoring gaze to the moon as it rests amongst the stars. 

Masterlist

A warm hand intertwined with mine.

The blazing sun bathes his figure in an ethereal glow as beautiful pink petals fall from the trees above.

Yet the ephemeral scene fails to capture my attention; I fear my hands are sweaty and it’ll only be a moment before he takes notice.

A subtle glance his way is all it takes for me to capture his attention. Albeit one eye is obscured by his bangs, the tender emotion that lies dormant within his irises comes alive as they meet mine.

He’s silent, an action that isn’t unusual for him. Despite this, the vibrant sounds of life swarm around us and fill my ears with an everlasting ethereal tune. His hand squeezes mine, so softly it’s almost imperceptible.

My lips betray my trust as they curl upwards, and my voice divulges my secrets as an elated giggle escapes its confines.

His voice follows suit; our voices intermingle to create a melodious harmony that turns the heads of passerby. 

The air smells of cherry blossoms and hope. Hope that we carry together, kept safe between our pressed palms.

The air around us stirs with a subtle whoosh.

♪ ♫ 

This is a fond memory of mine.

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

He rolls his eyes.

I pinch his nose.

He frowns.

I smile.

“Will you two get a room already?” A familiar voice rebounds off the walls of the dorm, and our companion voices his agreement.

“Yeah, you two can be pretty insufferable when you act like this.” My eyes turn to glare at said companion to find his lips wearing a mischievous grin. “Just like you and Chidorita?” My smug comment alights his face in a burning flame, and Yukari fails to stifle her amused laughter.

“Yeah yeah, laugh while you can now!” Junpei’s voice echoes around the room. “Your face is as red as Chidori’s hair, Junpei-san. Do you need medical attention?” Aegis monotone voice drifts into our ears.

Obnoxious laughter follows from everyone in the room.

Excluding Junpei, who huffs in annoyance before storming upstairs. There’s no doubt that he’s sulking in his room.

I finally return my gaze to my favorite portrait, to resume admiring its beauty.

However, the painting now stares back at me, a  tender (find synonym) expression etched onto its features.

My heart skips a beat, similar to the way children skip as they play hopscotch.

His smile reflects the warmth in my heart; it’s an outward reflection of the love that fills my soul, only to pour from my fingertips with every gentle caress against his skin.

This memory moves me to tears.

These tears stain his used pillowcase, the one I have yet to wash since his scent desperately clings to the fabric.

I miss him.

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

Koromaru barks as he runs ahead. I glance at him beside me, his hands stuffed faithfully in his pockets.

It’s a chilly night, but the cool wind makes me feel alive. It roots me to the present moment, and for that I’m grateful.

“Yuki…”

Leisurely, he lifts his head, and his eyes meet mine.

I hold his gaze, and he makes no effort to break away.

“I love you.”

The words escape my lips in a borderline inaudible whisper, my voice oozing with the love I carry for him deep in my soul.

His eyes widen a fraction, clearly taken aback.

We’ve spent many nights together like this, whether it’s walking koromaru, singing our hearts out at karaoke, or even spending quiet nights studying in the dorm together; my heart has grown to yearn for his presence beside me.

Despite this, I’ve grown fearful of becoming too attached. Makoto isn’t someone familiar with emotions like these, not from what I’ve gathered from the time we’ve spent together.

Although.. These past few months I’ve seen a change within him. A slow one, like two friends who yearn to confess to each other but remain paralyzed with fear of rejection.

It’s a change that presents itself in his smile, the laughter he fails to hold back at our antics, the concern that’s etched in his furrowed brow when one of our teammates gets knocked down in Tartarus.

It’s a beautiful change. It’s grown to be something I want to protect.

Yet, my mouth has a mind of its own, and it’s spilled my most precious secret to him.

I wait with bated breath for his response.

Could this be the end of our friendship? Have I just ruined the bond we’ve formed, the bond that has brought color back into my dull world? Will he reject me? Will-

“Close your eyes.” My feet stop moving. I hear Koromaru up ahead, his happy barks indicating he's found something he wants to show us. Yet, my feet remain rooted to the ground.

My body acts on my internalized feelings as my eyes swiftly close shut at his command.

It’s silent.

Time continues to march forward despite my wishes.

As it always does.

This time, it’s in my favor, as I feel a soft pair of lips delicately brush against mine; lonely and yearning.

My hand rests upon his cheek as my heart flutters from my chest.

It soars to the sky, to cast its adoring gaze to the moon as it rests amongst the stars.

My heart is finally home.

just as my physical body feels at home in his arms.

He pulls away, and I open my eyes.

My heart is reflected within his gaze, and the change that I’ve grown fond of presents itself once more; He leans in for another kiss.

Koromaru barks.

The universe embraces me, and it gives me the happiness I’ve always yearned for.

This memory reflects the meaning of eternity; my feelings regarding the term ‘forever.’

This memory will remain.

It will always bring me happiness.

Despite this, he is not here in my arms, as he’s now bound to a door.

To watch over us all, forever; for eternity.

…Will I ever see you again? Why can I no longer press a kiss that furrowed brow? Am I doomed to forget the smile that lights up your features when I walk into a room?

Did I miss the opportunity? To show you how my heart reflects the love you’ve grown to harbor for others?

…The love you’ve grown to harbor for me?

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

I reach out to grasp for his familiar hand, the hand that’s always the first to search for mine when trouble inevitably catches us off guard.

The only thing my hand grasps is air; the other side of my bed is empty.

His scent is fading from the pillow case.

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

My cheeks remain wet as memories of him fill me with yearning.

Love and heartbreak wraps me in their firm embrace; I feel their arms squeeze me as they hold me close, my friends’ sobs almost drown out the ringing in my ears.

Memories of school and a radiant blue sky, watching over the rooftop of Gekkoukan High School, refuse to leave my mind.

I’ve never felt such a deep feeling of loss and sorrow before.

That’s not something I can say lightly.

Despite my unique experiences that may deviate from his own, Makoto has been my mirror. My window.

I’ve seen myself reflected in him, time and time again. Yes, I am my own person, but I’ve grown to form a connection with Yuki that I’ve never formed with another in my short lifetime.

Call me crazy, but when I was with Yuki I felt as if our souls intertwined, as if we'd finally found a home together after wandering a desert full of failed commitments and broken promises. All in search of an oasis… in search of trust.

Trust that we found within each other.

I roll over and curl into a tight ball as my emotions threaten to consume me.

A soft knock fails to bring me out of my sorrow.

My ears pick up on the audible click the door makes as it opens, but I refuse to acknowledge whomever is there.

A gentle, cold hand rests on my shoulder.

My body shivers since the cool metal contrasts with my flushed skin.

“I knew I would find you here.” She doesn’t sound concerned. Just knowing.

I can’t respond.

She doesn’t mind.

Her cool hand runs through my hair. They uncurl my body to wipe my tears away.

I’m thankful, yet I’m angry.

I almost don’t want to see her.

She hums; almost as if she’d read my thoughts and she doesn’t care.

I fall asleep to the feeling of cool metal pressed against warm skin.

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

My voice sounds like a stranger’s to my ears. I feel awful, horrible for how I’m lashing out at another innocent person whose suffering just as much as I am.

Even so, the words pour viciously from my mouth as she stands across from me.

She doesn’t speak.

Akihiko raises his voice. He sounds just as angry, but for a different reason. My heart squeezes painfully in my chest, but I have to get the words out.

“Why was it you!? We all share a special bond with him, as well as with each other, but you…” A lone tear slides down her robotic features.

It makes me pause. I’m surprised.

But..

I knew all too well that my anger was misdirected.

Aigis doesn’t refute anything I have to say. She silently stands before me, crying.

Aigis, who used to struggle telling apart a joke from a genuine statement. Aigis, who couldn’t comprehend human emotions as a motivating factor behind certain actions and words.

Aigis, who now stands before me experiencing emotions of her own.

Emotions that have led her to tears.. because of my misguided anger towards her.

I swallow down the lump in my throat as I push past Junpei. Akihiko calls for me to return, and I hear Ken make a comment about how awkward and tense the situation is.

I lock myself in his room.

…

No one knocks on the door this time.

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

It’s silent.

Everyone’s gathered around. We need to determine what our next course of action is, but there’s an elephant in the room that longs to be addressed.

We’re searching for the answer, and it’s right in front of us; it’s been here all along. The only obstacle in obtaining it lies within our warped perception of the situation.

“You need to apologize-”

“Akihiko-san.”

He visibly falters before awkwardly coughing into his fist. Mitsuru clearly has her own thoughts on the situation, but she’s chosen to remain silent at the moment.

I glance in Ken’s direction, and he gives me an encouraging nod accompanied by a sympathetic smile.

“Aigis, I apologize for my behavior earlier. My anger towards you was misguided and fueled by my… well, it’s more accurate to say our sorrow.. with Yuki’s passing..”

The resulting silence is suffocatingly loud.

It’s presence is overbearing. So much so that I fear we’ll never talk things through.

That is, until Aigis walks over to me.

As her arms wrap around me, a new feeling blossoms in my chest. It swallows the creeping fear inside of me whole, and it fuels an unyielding strength within me.

Hope.

“We will figure this out together. The bonds we have forged amongst each other will not be broken so easily. Don’t you agree…?” Aigis’s words are as soothing as they are motivating.

A quick glance around the room reveals relieved faces and fond smiles.

Unshed tears blur my vision, but these tears do not originate from the sadness that once permeated my very being.

“..Yes.”

It still hurts.

But it feels a bit better now.

୭ ˚.⁺⊹ ☽ ๋࣭ ⭑❀˖°

It’s been years now.

I’ve seen Ken grow into a respectable young man. Akihiko is finally pursuing college, with the supervision of Aigis, and Mitsuru continues to be successful in her endeavors. The same can be said of Yukari and Junpei, albeit it’s clear the latter still misses the one who made his heart sing.

Fuuka is doing well too. It makes me happy to see everyone pursuing their individual passions. Including myself.

☀︎❀

Spring has returned.

It’s hot today.

The heat from the burning sun above threatens to lull me to sleep.

My heavy eyelids fall shut as I feel myself drift off to sleep.

His face, encapsulated in stone, drifts to the forefront of my mind.

A heavy sigh leaves me.

My eyes remain dry as I allow the memory to come and go, holding strong all the while.

I miss him, I truly do.

But, through the bonds I’ve made with the former members of S.E.E.S, I’ve cultivated the strength of will to move onward and forward, towards a future I can be proud of.

I open my eyes when I hear footsteps approaching.

The figure standing before me is familiar, yet surely a figment of my imagination.

I close my eyes again, in hopes of fully waking up this time.

I open them once more when I feel the person moving closer to me. I sit up, only to bump heads with them.

“Ouch!” I yelp. My hands cradle the spot where we bumped heads. That’s when I realize, the pain I just felt is real, and the person standing in front of me is…

Is..

My eyes widen dramatically, and my mouth parts to say all the words my soul longs to poetically convey.

He simply smiles.

He opens his arms.

My thoughts spiral out of control. Is this an illusion? How could this be remotely possible? Is this… really true?

When our eyes meet, my questions receive a silent answer. My eyes take notice of the wavering emotions within his gaze; I can see the soul of the man I love, a soul which was once bound to a door, is now standing here before me. 

Whatever miracle performed this action, I am forever grateful to its benevolence. 

I dare not waste another moment in idle contemplation.

I throw myself into his arms. 

He catches me. 

He laughs.

My soul joins in on his joyous laughter, as tears full of love slowly cascade down my cheeks.

Our laughter intermingles to create a melodious harmony that turns the heads of passerby, once more. 

[mellosdrawings]

ooh, just saw you’re also doing the twst ask game!! how about 5, 23 and 27, if it hasn’t been asked already? :]

5. If you could have any unique magic / signature spell in the game, which would you choose and why?

23. Which dorm would you be sorted into?

27. What drew you into TWST? What made you stay?

5. I WANT CATER'S MAGIC SO BAD YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!! Do you know how many projects I have? I wish I could do them all but I gotta prioritize (/pejorative). If I could just make clones I'd be able to work on my webcomic and my Twst fanarts and my writings and my Sci-fi visual novel and-

23. Once upon a time in my teenagehood, I would've been sorted into Heartslabyul because I had the "obey to every single rule" type of autism. Now? I guess it'd be Octavinelle or Scarabia. It's hard to say.

27. Ok so, the thing is I actually was into this game before it even went out. I heard about a Japanese game soon coming and there was the countdown art series and I was IN LOVE with it from a purely aesthetic aspect. Plus I liked the pitch/summary/whatever you call it in English when you resume something to its bare minimum. I loved Descendants so having more content about Disney villains or their descendants was great.

What makes me stay is two things:

1. The characters and their relationships.

I'm the kind of person who can handle most stories as long as the characters are very interesting. And boy, they are.

They all feel very well rounded and believable, not one tone characters who are only interested in one thing. All of them have full personalities and several things they're into and several things they dislike and random info about them that are just there, it feels compelling. Plus I'm the kind of creator that loves diving into my characters' flaws to enhance my plots, so the fact that the game is about the characters' flaws is right into my alley.

Also they all have relationships with one another in some way, where other medias might have just given them a handful of characters to get along with and wouldn't have bothered to find how to make them interact with the other characters.

2. The teen traumas

Ok, they might not always be handled best, but it is compelling to have this stuff, that is usually shrugged at because those are teens and it "shouldn't be called trauma it's just part of life". Here it is given weight.

Riddle's trauma about having an helicopter mom, Vil's trauma about being a child star that has always been typecast as a villain, Azul's bullying, Idia's terrible handling of grief, Leona's trauma about the double standard of people considering him and his brother, Malleus’s refusal to deal with his own grief. It's very compelling stuff and it's powerful. Some of those seem more traumatic than others (*cough* Jamil’s struggle with slavery *cough*) but, well, for a teen all of those are equally as traumatic, and it's normal for them all to have mental breakdowns when they have been given no support whatsoever.

I'm an angst enjoyer who loves to see how much you can hurt a character before they break down, and then what it takes to build them back up into a functioning person. This story is about that, so I dig it really hard.

Plus it's easy to relate to at least one of those characters. The game had me by the scruff with Riddle's storyline because I held myself to a level of perfectionism that also made me break down, so when it happened to Riddle I instantly fell in love. It took me a while to understand Leona's storyline, and then it held me hostage again with Azul's. Idia's own monologue is so powerful that it makes me cry every single time.

So yeah, despite the flaws, I can see gold in there and I doubt I'll get tired of it easily.

[rainbowsky]

The Road is Long

By now most people have likely heard some mutterings about shakeups in turtledom. Let's talk about that a bit.

Disclaimer: As always, everything I say is a reflection of my own understanding of things, my own values and ideas and opinions. There are precious few verified facts available here, so we can never know for sure what the real truth is. Therefore, don't take what I say as fact. It's just my opinion, some melancholy musings, and a bit of CPN. Totally fake, of course.

Today is a day of tremendous grief among turtles, as it is believed by many that the person who was handling the LRLG posts has been shifted off of DD's staff. They made a contribution to the rumor house saying simply, "See you next time."

When I saw that I was heartbroken, as were many turtles. If you've been following LRLG at all, "See you next time" has frequently been their sign-off when making a post. If it's a goodbye, it would be a fitting - and poignant - one, made sadder by the context of this situation.

It's also an important reminder that nothing is permanent. We may see more from LRLG one day.

As of my screen cap, the post already has 18,000 comments. Most of them are tearful and grateful, showering LRLG in thanks for all the blessings and stories they've shared with us. Turtles are crying together, sharing supportive messages and gratitude, and being overall the sweet-hearted people they tend to be. Just loving GG and DD and restating their commitment to support them both through thick and thin.

The top comment is a photo of some turtle graffiti, saying, "The summer that belongs to us, no one can take away."

Of course, it wouldn't be a turtle post without some CPN, and many turtles have been pointing out that if the staff changes and removal of LRLG is real, then all the posts from LRLG are likely also real.

But we already knew that. LRLG has come through with proven messages time and again. This is just more confirmation of what many turtles already believed.

But why is this happening?

No one knows the whole story, and most of it is speculation based on various events and situations that have been unfolding over the past several months. However, the generally accepted narrative at this point is that DD's management has begun to cave under pressure from toxic solo fans who have been pushing a lot of demands, causing a lot of commotion and threatening to boycott the YH concert next month.

Up until recently DD's team has been completely ignoring these behaviors (and IMHO, rightly so). No one knows why the approach has shifted, but there are a lot of possible reasons. One of the likeliest being that investors/backers in DD's career and projects, and in YH (since it's now on the HK stock exchange) have caught wind of the toxic fan situation and are getting nervous.

From the perspective of a single-minded moneybags it looks a lot like DD's team isn't keeping the traffic happy, which wouldn't bode well for their bottom line. So of course, they will want something done to restore order.

What they don't appear to be aware of is just how much of DD's traffic is from turtles. As CP fans, turtles don't have the status to make demands like solos do (nor are they so toxic), so they just have to sit by and watch these changes that are harming turtles. They have no recourse.

Some turtles are disillusioned with DD because they've always seen him as the guy who would never back down. Some are angry and hurt and turning away from DD because of it.

What they don't seem to realize is that it's completely out of DD's hands. He would not be at liberty to go against what his backers want. They will no doubt have convincing reasons why this is what's best for his career, and why it's necessary.

This is just more of the squeeze GG and DD have been under from the beginning. They are commodities - they are businesses. GG said it in his interview not long ago. They all work for 'the star'.

“There are two Xiao Zhans, one of them is here, that’s me. There is another Xiao Zhan, the Xiao Zhan in quotes, but he is probably not me anymore. We are all working for him, including myself.”

As businesses that employ a lot of workers and bring in a lot of money, GG and DD aren't at liberty to do whatever they want. They have financial and contractual considerations to deal with. They have reputational and governmental issues to deal with.

The central focus of business and financial entities is always how to avoid and mitigate risk. To those with a stake in GG and DD's careers (and with every new project and endorsement the number of stakeholders grows), the important thing is to ensure maximum profitability with minimum risk. Fan wars represent risk. Toxic solo demands represent risk. Fan boycotts represent serious risk. Turtles - to some degree I'm sure in the minds of many - represent risk. Danmei and all things associated with it represents risk.

If GG and DD want to keep doing what they do, they will have to keep these stakeholders happy. They have a financial and contractual obligation to do so.

The reality is, we've always known GG and DD are in a precarious position. We've always known the government is against danmei. We've always known that things were tightening up and getting worse and worse every year.

Turtles have no standing as fans. As I've said many times when talking about endorsement brand candies, it's highly unlikely that turtles are taken into consideration when calculating GG and DD's fan bases and fan power. When everyone is sitting around the table having deep conversations about how to keep fans happy, it's highly unlikely that turtles are taken much into consideration, if at all.

DD's team has been ignoring toxic motos and their demands, but they've only gotten worse. They've been leaving hateful comments and lists of demands in response to everything his team posts, and elsewhere. They reported YH to the government for unfair ticketing of the concert*. They've been vocal enough that stakeholders and even some passersby will be aware of their discontent. They've been threatening to boycott the YH family concert next month (which, by the way, turtles have stepped up and bought all the tickets motos refused to buy, and will be making a big showing there).

*And they apparently discovered in response that YH isn't the producer of the show, it's produced by another company in a province that the gov't department doesn't have jurisdiction over. So there are theories that maybe the ticketing approach was part of the production agreement.

And it seems finally someone came along and demanded that DD's team does something to appease these toxic little bitches motos. These aren't just some random group of fans, they're organized and ring-led by DD's biggest fan club. That's the sort of thing that will make stakeholders nervous.

The changes to his Weibo bio are likely part of this - not necessarily directly as a result of motos, but also because of what I was talking about before - risk. Danmei is officially condemned by the government. CQL is a danmei drama.

And some of the changes to his team seem to have happened long before now. Remember, we used to get a lot of exciting, affectionate, interesting content from YBO. The video updates, the comic strips, the little anecdotes from his daily life. All of that has gone away a long time ago, and we've been getting increasingly dry, increasingly unimaginative, officious updates (maybe time to rebrand as 'Yibo Officious' 🤔?).

More of that is likely to come. DD's team appears to be wielding a sledgehammer now, not a poet's pen. Just this morning they posted some photos from DD's Moncler event, and attempted to crudely photoshop the numbers from his sleeve.

For those who were unaware, the text on the sleeve reads: "MF: 032/33." This is a Moncler FRGMT varsity jacket with a limited edition of 33 in the world. DD's is 32 of 33. (And has a big yellow flower on it, I might add.)

Why would they try to hide that DD is wearing one of only 33 jackets that exist in the world? Obviously because 32 is a number that will be associated with turtles/GG. But in attempting to obscure it they are acknowledging that it's a CP number. And who chose that number?

Well, repos say that DD spent a lot of time trying on clothes and deciding on an outfit, and we know how much he loves the numbers 2 and 3 (ai zan - love Zhan). The kadian of the jacket would read, "Zhan love/ZhanZhan."

As some c-turtles have rightly pointed out: the team can photoshop the numbers, but they can't stop him choosing them. They can remove LRLG, but they can't stop him choosing to award a prize to the seat at row 2 #30 (and then switching it to row 3 #20 when he was told there weren't 30 seats in each row) at the Chunzhen brand event, and they can't stop him from sitting in seat #5 at the Born to Fly theater during ADLAD. They can change the time when photos are posted on Weibo, but they can't change the time he sets his watch to in the photo.

EDIT: I have a theory about why this whole photoshop thing might not be as bad as it seems. More about that here.

DD will always be DD. He will always love GG. He will always care about turtles. He will always need (and deserve) our support. If he loses it, then the motos win. Don't let them succeed at their nefarious, hateful agenda. DD doesn't deserve that.

Is this the right move for DD's career?

I was among those who thought DD's team would never back down. They'd held strong for many months. But we should never underestimate the driving force of money, and like it or not (and correctly or incorrectly), in the eyes of investors motos represent traffic and profit. The money men will take over the vehicle if they feel its heading in the wrong direction. They don't care what they destroy if it saves their bottom line. But will it work?

Only time will tell, but I'm unconvinced right now. For a few reasons:

Everyone knows, paid ransom only leads to more kidnappings. The more management teams cave in to toxic fans, the more toxic they become. The more emboldened they become. The more they sharpen their knives and shoot off their mouths. It's only going to get worse. And we're talking about people who are already so full of themselves that they physically attack turtles at events. How much worse will it get? What will their next demands be?

Motos' ability to carry traffic is questionable. While DD is consistently doing well, his fans aren't doing anything spectacular for his endorsements or projects. BAH, Luoyang, his films, they did well but weren't the blockbusters some were expecting. And turtles are pulling a LOT of weight for him. If the goals of solos were successful and turtles were gone and it was only motos left, what would that look like? Maybe it's an inferiority complex from constantly being outgunned by shrimps, but I think motos vastly overestimate their own power as a group.

Further to my previous point, turtles are more powerful than they get credit for. They are constantly counted out and underestimated. DD's team might have factored the risk of upsetting solos, but I doubt they've fully calculated the risk and potential harm of alienating turtles. Although my belief (and hope) is that turtles will stay strong. Turtles have taken so many blows over the years, and they still hold the line. As one turtle heartbreakingly put it in response to LRLG's post, "😭😭😭😭😭😭I cry and I cry for nothing else. It's because the two treasures are too difficult and wronged 🥺🥺🥺 Please rest assured that we will never let go of our original intention to protect them 💚❤️💛 we will never break our promise." Some turtles get it, and it only makes them stronger and more committed. Others will be hurt and walk away. And while GG and DD are going to be fine, while their careers will likely continue to thrive, there is something special that turtles give them that is irreplaceable. If things take a bad turn with this team it wouldn't be the first time an outsider came along and carelessly destroyed something beautiful that they didn't understand. Even without the numbers game, there's a personal cost here that only turtles and GGDD will recognize and pay.

A lot of turtles are feeling emboldened, too. A lot of them are tired of covering their faces, hiding their colors and bowing down. It will be interesting to see how that factors in to everything.

We will just have to watch and wait, and see what happens. Regardless of any misgivings I might have about these issues and about his revised team, I will still continue to love and support DD. More than ever, actually. He will need our love.

LRLG is a role, not an individual

Some of you might have noticed over the past couple of years, that LRLG hasn't always kept the same tone, writing style, inflection, etc. in the messages they've shared. Many people - myself included - suspect that's because there have been shifts in staffing before, and the person doing the LRLG messages has changed in the past.

What hasn't changed is the messages or the manner in which they've been shared with us. If that's true, it's because LRLG was a role or a task that continued to be managed and filled regardless of who on staff was available to take care of it.

It's possible that role has been eliminated from the plan moving forward, which would be different from simply shifting who makes the contributions to the rumor house. I don't know for sure, but it seems like maybe there's no one left on his team who is in on it.

But that doesn't mean that LRLG won't show up again in some other capacity, or perhaps at some time in the future. Maybe the contributions will come from GG's side. We don't know.

My thoughts

Like I said earlier, this is all based on conjecture. No one knows all the details from behind the scenes. There could be a lot more to this issue than we realize. We just have to stay strong, and be patient.

In any case, it's a sad time for turtles, and there's no doubt about that. I am grieving these changes along with everyone else. It doesn't help that it comes right at the time I'm deeply grieving the anniversaries of the deaths of 2 close loved ones.

So I'm sad, very sad. Heartbroken is a better word.

I really didn't GAF about CQL being removed from DD's profile. If anything it's a bit of a relief. It can no longer be a factor. People can stop arguing about it, it can stop being such a focus. It's such an inconsequential thing. But YBO acting like turtle antis? Editing out candy and possibly removing LRLG? GUTTED.

The noose keeps tightening, and GG and DD and turtles are always the ones to pay the price.

This whole thing feels like nothing less than the triumph of homophobia, stupidity, mindless self-importance, toxicity and hate, and I've seen enough of that lately to last me several lifetimes.

One thing I know deep in my heart: GG and DD love turtles, they appreciate us, they care about us, and they will find a way to feed us and show us their love. They are smart, mischievous and resourceful, and they seem to thrive on challenges.

So take heart, my friends, and stay strong. Everything is going to be OK. The road is long.

A final word to the motos: I hate to break it to you, honey, but he's never going to marry you.

EDIT:

Follow-up post on whether everyone's wrong about LRLG leaving here.

Follow-up post about whether DD chose these changes here.

Follow-up post about the photoshopping of the jacket sleeve (and my theory about why YBO might still be our ally) here.

[boyfridged]

in your fic “paint it over” is that how you imagine jason making it out of the explosion at the end of utrh? not exactly the events that follow, but the preferable characterization of bruce digging jay out of the rubble and carrying him to help. and how do you think jason made it out canonically (without the help of bruce) also!!! what are your thoughts on the specifics of jason’s scar and how he’d behave toward it. i liked the part of your fic where jason was temporarily unable to speak due to the trauma his neck received. i think the scar is something that rests on the junction of his shoulder/neck, and that can be hidden with whatever clothes he wears -> no one knows he has it (or how he got it) either. i like to imagine while bruce knows his batarang made contact with jason’s throat it’s never fully registered to him that it scarred until he sees it for himself (and while i believe bruce would turn the moment in head over and over again until it’s engraved in his brain, his delayed realization—to me—is due to his repression of the occurrence)

oh i adore this whole ask. some of it i explained in my notes, but this fanfic is quite dear to me, so i will elaborate.

short answer to whether this is how i imagine jay making it out of the explosion: not exactly?

the premise that i wanted to explore with paint it over is almost the opposite of a fix-it, and definitely not what i believe it should be in canon.

what i wished to explore there is, however, the part of utrh that is perhaps the most shocking to many readers: that bruce leaves jason to die.

in-universe, i think the answer why it happens is surprisingly simple enough: bruce does not come because he is just... not there. my understanding is, that in a way, the events of under the red hood did not happen. there is nothing to follow. that purple mist in the finale of the utrh, that is often read as a force resurrecting jason (not technically wrong, either)- i believe that is the timeline already rewriting itself, making the whole story into something that was not.

and the reason for the above is the infinite crisis. if i'm not wrong, it's also the inifinite crisis miniseries where bruce meets dick right after the explosions in (or of) bludhaven-- that in batman clearly happens in the background of his confrontation with jay. however, in infinite crisis (#4, just checked it now), bruce tells dick: "i wanted to make sure...you're alright... i was in new york when it hit. got here as soon as i could." which could be a lie or a matter of the editorial not being synced enough- but i'm willing to give them a benefit of the doubt given how it ties with that sudden, stunted ending of utrh.

this makes sense for canon for several reasons. in the animated movie, since it spares us the infinite crisis tie-in, bruce says of the whole incident: this changes nothing. it changes nothing because although aditf isn't, utrh is a tragedy; it changes nothing because since his death, jason is necessarily always pushed at the peripheries of the narrative, no matter how much the fate itself tries to fix it, becoming a tragic footnote. the dead have one right and it's the right to remain silent. and that is ironically ensured on a cosmic level, with his violent attempt at being seen hidden in the folds of the timeline. you can also see it clearly in canon -- i believe it was not until the infinite frontier that the events of utrh got just tangentially mentioned (before that, even lobdell barely touched upon it). other than that, they have no consequences; they are barely ever spoken of; they seem to slip out even from jay's solo comics.

this move was necessary for batman, as a character and as a title: let's say bruce does hold red hood as he does in the alt cover of annual 25 (and the cover of the deluxe edition of utrh.) that would implore a reckoning with his failure and his (suddenly non-productive) grief that would either reconstruct the whole myth or lead to some terrifying implications. these terrifying implications are, essentially, what paint it over is about. it's about the worst happening and about there being no way back from it. and jason, in receiving what he wanted (his father's love and care) wants to deny that reality. they both want to. yet even jay cannot ignore it completely -- and i chose to use the batarang injury to emphasize it.

and about the scar: i mentioned it briefly before, but in the au jason aggravates the wounds on purpose, hence it will scar worse and cause long-term issues for his voice. it's a theme i also keep in some of my other stories (to come...) and i very much think this is what would happen in canon if he had to take care of that injury. yet as it healed, i believe he'd take to hiding it, mostly. still, as it stands, my primary take might be that in canon (if it was to follow the interference into the timeline from the crisis at least) jason would simply end up with no scar at all, and only memories for evidence of what happened, which is perhaps worse for him too (but of course better for bruce. and as it happens, this is bruce wayne's story and everyone else is just living in it- or dies in it- for better or worse. and if we're ignoring that metaphysical timeline bullshit, as you said, i believe bruce would repress it all anyway.)

[writersundersiege]

New Girl in Town Part 3

Rafe Cameron x F! Reader

a/n: Hello, everybody, so this is my first time making an authors' note. I want to place one on this one since I’m new to posting, and also, this chapter took me two days to write, considering I did try to go in and add more depth to my characters. I want my reader (aka you) to have a broader sense of the world. As you can tell, she knows a lot about stuff most people don’t learn, has been to places many of us haven’t had the opportunity to visit and has experienced things I can only hope as a writer is not something you have experienced. But for the margin of you who have experienced any of these warnings below, If you need any resources, please reach out. I will work on putting resources on my account later on or anyone to talk to; my messages are always open to you all as readers of my work. Feel free to ask me questions, give me criticism, or suggest things to the story. I want to continue this for as long as you enjoy it. Thank you for supporting my work, and I hope you enjoy the new chapter

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To read any other parts of this series, click here:

The New Girl In Town - Masterlist

Summary: Rafe accepts the request from your father to fill your place at the clothes drive. When he gets there, he bumps into an unlikely but friendly face, your brother Jason. During the setup for the event, Rafe gets the chance to talk to your brother and find out more about you. What if he finds out your story goes deeper than he thought? Also, what will he do when he discovers more information about your friend who mysteriously pops into town

Warning: Grief of losing family and loved ones, fears of self-harm, peer pressure, allowing someone to binge drink, mentions of potential assault, swearing, self-doubt

As Rafe pulls up to the front of the country club, he parks and throws his bike helmet off immediately. He hurriedly starts walking, hand ghosting over his pockets, double checking for his wallet, keys, and phone and that they’re all still with him. As Rafe walks to the front, his palms are getting sweaty. Rafe never gets nervous. Usually, he’s the one controlling the situation, but with you, your family, it is so different it’s like you will slip out of his fingers the moment you make contact, like handfuls of sand slipping through every time you pick it up.

Rafe stops looking into the country club one last time, taking a deep breath. Rafe has never felt as though he deserves good things. Ward has always rewarded Sarah; the town continuously believes he’s either causing trouble or breaking someone’s daughter's heart; he’s aggressive, psychotic, and a loose cannon when it comes to you, you’re like a ghost to him; no matter where he goes, the image of you haunts him. He wants one thing to go well, one thing to go his way this time, and that’s the things with you.

Straighten up, he clears his throat and runs a hand through his hair as he begins the walk back into the country club; his phone pings with a message. He quickly pulls out his phone while still making his way inside

Unknown number: Thank you so much again, Rafe! I don’t know what I’d do without you, and I owe you one! 🫡💕

Rafe: you can always count on me, angel, always. Also, I’ll never turn down a good favor 😉

He watches as three bubbles appear like you’re about to answer when he runs smack into someone, sending him flying back and stumbling a bit; this has Rafe looking up, starting to say, “Watch where—“ and he cuts himself off because standing in front of him smiling from ear to ear is Jason holding a box of clothes while some still laid on the ground from the collision.

“Rafe, right? he says, smiling with a chuckle. “Seems like I can’t escape you, man if I’m hearing about you or seeing you, I'm nearly trying to knock you on your ass,” he leans down, picking up a shirt from the ground. “Are you here to help with the clothes drive?” Your brother turns to look at him, eyes big and bright like yours are but also kind in a way that makes Rafe want to spill his guts to the guy and tell him his life story; your brother has a soft smirk on his face, not one that is intimidating or meant to be mischievous but one that shows humility like he knows it’s not how Rafe would prefer to spend a random Thursday in June.

They were finally coming to full height, looking at each other. Jason looked to Rafe like an old friend waiting for him to tell them all the things they’d missed in the years past. Smile lines prominently shown on his cheeks, and his eyes creased on the corner just like your whole family has; it made Rafe wonder how often you all smiled to have such prominent and similar facial marks that show happiness and this aura that looks like the dude is being basked in the sun in the middle of a June evening in Kilandre.

Rafe, who at this point has bent down to pick up the last shirt to return to the box, having tucked his phone in his pocket, long forgotten is your response left unread and unanswered.

Rafe decides it’s now or never; he has to play some moves right for a bit, with no snarky attitude or outbursts; he must get this right with your family and you. Show them just how much of a lovely gentleman he can be.

Smiling back and placing the shirt in the box, he looks up to meet your brother's eye, channeling the irritation and pent-up anger from earlier into charm and charisma; both aren’t so far from each other; all depends on lines and delivery.

“ I am here to help. I was not expecting it, but I’m happy to be here. Also, don’t worry about bumping into me. I should have watched where I was going.” Smiling and shaking his head, he motioned with his head inside. “Well, get in there, man. Moms about to give out-groups.” walking down the steps and to your blue Jeep of all things, he turns back to Rafe, calling out, “Also, you’ll have to try and nab us a spot with some of the girls, few in there are our age and they are pretty girls,” you brother says with an awarding smile on his face and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, spinning on heels jogging over to the back of your Jeep.

Rafe shakes his head, looking down, knowing there isn’t a single girl in the whole country club, hell, on the entire island, perhaps even this planet that compares to you. All the more, he’ll help your brother out. What better way to get close than becoming your brother's best friend? A smirk evolves on his face now that right there is a plan and a good one.

Rafe walks through the entrance down the hall to the ballroom area where they usually hold parties and events; there are tons of different Kooks from Figure 8 here to help; he sees a few of the women Rose gossips with after pilates on Wednesdays, a few of the single kook dads who you can tell their sole purpose of helping was your mother who they are ogling, as well as a few of the islands Kook kids Sarah and Topper stand near Ally and Kayla two girls they all went to school with and a boy who he can’t see with his back to Rafe.

Scanning the room more, Kiara is sitting crisscross on the ground, folding baby clothes and watching as your mom describes the night Kiara’s parents are seated at a table behind your mom, quietly talking and writing on papers. Suddenly, Rafes broke from his search of the crowd as your mom's voice rang in his ears, making a beeline for him. “Rafe, you came?” she said this with so much joy, not like she expected him to fail or disappoint her; then, before he knew it, she was wrapping her arms around Rafe's large frame, his arms limp at his sides, patting her back where he could reach but smiling and laying his head on your moms saying “Of course, I’m here Andy, where do you need me I’m ready to help however I can.”

Your mom pulls back, showing her glittering smile, stilling, holding Rafe by the shoulders and gently reaching up to pat his cheek. “You are a good boy, Rafe.” she moves her hand, turning him to look at the crowd. “your sister, I believe she is here. You can stand with her. I’ll put you in a good group, don’t you worry,” she gives Rafe a wink and chuckles, walking off back to the table where Kiara’s parents sit and kneeling in front of the table, looking at the papers they were writing on.

Once again, he eyes the crowd, scoffing when he watches a few of the single dads congregating and staring at your mom's behind, kneeling until one the guy he believes to be Mr. Chusing, who owns a law firm here in Kilandre. he watches as Mr.Chusing kneels right next to your mom and put his hand on her lower back. Your mom stands immediately and politely puts her ring finger on her chest, prominently showing the man her ring. Rafe smiles, shaking his head, knowing your family is a good set of people.

Rafe looks around again at the group standing with his sister; Sarah and Topper are focused on a guy who looks his age; he notices the guy talking animatedly, which makes everyone laugh. Sarah was laughing so hard she had to wipe tears from her eyes. He walks toward the group when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns to find your brother; he looks at him, and he shakes his head as if saying “No” and then shakes his head to the other side, where Kiara sits folding, and he follows him.

“Trust me, you do not even want to go over there, no matter how much fun they look like they are having; that kid is a rat,” Rafe frowns, looking over at the group again as he sits next to Jason, not too far from Kiara folding sock’s together.

He looks at the group, inspecting the boy; he is pretty tall around Rafe's height but not much muscle in his upper body, a thinner build, his hair is a sandy blonde color and curly, kind of like he just got a perm, he turns and sees the guys face he’s pretty tan with a set of perfect white teeth just like your family and even from here Rafe sits he sees the green of his eyes were like sea algae growing on his iris.

Rafe looks at your brother, who is already scowling in the boy's direction. “What did he do?” Jason harshly folds a pair of jeans, looking down on them, not meeting Rafe's eyes once. “He has no respect, loyalty, grace, love, compassion, empathy. I don’t know humanity,” shrugging his shoulders and slamming the pants in the box sitting next to him

Kiara looks up from the baby clothes she sits with, eyebrows arching at Jason. “You good?” she asks like she’s confused. Jason shakes his head, looking down at his hand, shaking and flexing his fingers a few times. Rafe and Kiara look at each other, and she stands to move closer and kneel by your brother. They look back down on the newly bright boy, who seems to be slowly withering in front of them.

“What’s up, bro?” Rafe reaches his hand over to your brother's shoulder with uncertainty; when he makes contact, Jason’s head drops down, hands coming to his face. “You know I was supposed to be with him- them. When they went out there, I was supposed to go with Luca and Cameron on that fishing trip, and I wasn’t because of a damn Stats test. I couldn’t break my honor roll; I couldn’t stop..” Jason’s words are muffled and broken off at the end because he’s looking down with his hands over his eyes, the energy to finally let go of what he’s been holding in dwindling before it’s even sparked.

Rafe knows immediately where this is going for them. He saw it on your face when he asked, and he’s seeing it all over again: a family that seems so picture perfect having a moment where it looks like the world shatters, but for just a moment, you’ll never let them see it too long, but why? Maybe it’s the same reason Rafe is known as the aggressor because of the sentiment he thinks of repeatedly when he’s alone; if people knew the truth, would they still like you? or would they hate it just as much as you do?

What broke Rafes thought was your brother looking up, eyes tinged pink with the welled tears created from the silence, and him looking at the boy across the room leaning into Sarah’s ear to whisper something that made Topper look like he was about to pop his lid. “I may hate myself every day for not being there with them. But I thank god every day for keeping me here and sending me home when Luca was pronounced dead every day to catch that sick son of a bitch over there” Rafe and Kiara both turn to look at Jason with a questioning look he can already feel anger bubbling within him knowing something happened.

“When my sister found out Luca was gone, she was a mess for weeks. Honestly, it would have been months if it weren’t for Luca’s best man, best mate since birth, Ethan; he spent every day with (F/N) and took her to the beach to be near Luca, the aquarium where they had their first date, it was great for months he was the only one who could get her to sleep and eat, but it all went downhill on the six month anniversary and a certain area that struck me as strange one not but basically there is this hiking trail in the neighborhood we lived in back in Malibu that goes up to the cliffs it’s gorgeous and super secluded it was only a place Luca knew and took (F/N)” Jason paused looking down grabbing more clothes to fold

“Cameron told me that that was Luca and (F/N)’s spot..” He trails off, not waiting to discuss this part, but it’s intentional for the story. On the other hand, Kiara gets it immediately, knowing this must be hard for him to talk about on a typical day, but more so for two boys; he called his family and is now gone. Rafe completely misses the hint and frowns at Kiara, giving her eyes like, ‘wtf.’ She looks at him and says, “Sorry for this, Jason, Rafe; it was the first place she was intimate with someone. Get it now.” Rafe's eyes go wide, and he feels his heart drop to the pit of his stomach, but the story can’t wait for him to recover

Jason looks up with the tiniest chuckle. “Don’t worry, dude, it took Cam a while to tell me, too. I played dumb. I didn’t want to know what it was my baby sister was up to in that way anyway; on the six-month anniversary of Luca and Cam's death (F/N), she was distraught; she still had hope he was coming home, but by nearly half a year without him, the light for her simmered out. Everyone was over at our house here and there all day, and nothing. None of her friends, our extended family, or even Luca’s mother could get her out to accept a plate. Eventually, we let her be; we didn’t want to overwhelm the hurt she felt already because none of us knew exactly what she felt.” he looked down, shaking his head. Rafe brings his hand back to his shoulder, squeezing it. At the same time, Kiara says, “ Jason, you don’t have to tell us if it’s something that makes you uncomfortable.” this makes the older boy in front of them shake his head more. “ no, I’ve kept this on my chest too long, and every time I bring it up, everybody else shuts it down cause he’s family in their eyes if he said nothing happened they believe him. I need somebody else to listen and hear me out.”

Kiara looks around to see if anyone has moved since the start of this conversation, and Rafe settles back, one eye on Jason, the other on this new kid he doesn’t like in his peripheral. Kiara turns to Jason, letting him know no one’s listening and he’s good, indicating they haven’t moved a muscle or a manicured nail yet. Jason clears his throat and says, “That night, by ten thirty, I had enough. I hadn’t seen my sister in over 24 hours at that point, and I was scared. They were special to me; I mean, Cameron was my best friend since I was born. I didn’t care if she wanted to scream at me or have me hold her and cry with her. I just wanted to see my sister was okay, so I snuck to her room and knocked slightly, opening the door to check on her, and when I opened the door, she was gone.” he looked down at his hand, ringing them together back and forth like a wet rag eventually he looks up like he saw a ghost in front of him “I’ve never been more scared in my life than running to her bed and feeling that her sheets were cold she hadn't been there for at least an hour.”

Kiara put her hands on his to stop him from rubbing his skin raw. “ immediately, I went to find my friends to see if there was anything; when I checked her location, she was at her spot, but what I couldn’t understand was why she would go someplace so desolate, so lonely by herself first I was screaming waking up my parents I thought she was doing something horrible until I thought a little deeper and the only person we didn’t see all day long who didn’t come to help the family as well as Ethan.”

At this point in the story, Rafe is already seething with anger thinking about you being taken somewhere so dangerous at such a late hour; Rafe turns to laughter looking at the boy, staring at the boy across the room with a vicious look, and Jason, scowling at the boy, for whom he feels so much anger as well. Kiara, in some act of comfort, holds Jason’s hand, rubbing her hand over his knuckles, trying to calm him down. Jason clears his throat once more. “When I got there, she was so drunk she couldn’t even tell me her name; she doesn’t remember that night. He swears up and down nothing happened, but it seems like ever since that day, he will not leave her alone. It’s like he believes what belonged to Luca now belongs to him, and I can’t take it; every time I see him, I want to kill him.”

Rafe turns for a moment to look at your brother's face for the first time since he met your family; he sees the slightest glimmer of darkness behind his eye, the same kind Rafe has; the same one so many people in this town warn others about with Rafe, and then just like the sun on a rainy day it’s there and gone before you believe you saw it. His eyes only showed the cloud of grief and hurt.

Rafe pats his back again and says, “You’re in the Outerbanks now, bro, and your sister is safe; the people out here, our people, we’ll have her back.” Kiara gives Rafe a look like you can’t be serious about telling this boy he can trust any kook; the only trustworthy people on this island were the pogues and, more specifically, her group of friends.

Like always, though, with rich boys, they band together, not even acknowledging the look on Kiara's face. Jason looks up and says, “Thank you, Rafe. I appreciate you hearing me out, and my sister was right about you, that’s for sure.” Rafe's eyes blow out, and his neck turns red as he shakes his head and says, “Your sister is something else.”

To further this thread of thoughts in Rafe's mind, he feels his phone ping twice and pulls it from his back pocket

(F/N)🌊💕: Angel huh? I like that one, and yes, Rafe, I now owe you A favor that means only one. Don’t think I’m out here doing favors for anyone!

sent at 6:15 pm

(F/N)🌊💕: We should hang out sometime, maybe catch some waves tomorrow??

sent at 7:00 pm

(F/N)🌊💕: I’m heading to bed; let me know :) Thank you again, and see you around Reef 🪸🐠

sent at 7:30

Scanning these messages, Rafe starts to type a response before he’s even finished reading but immediately deletes it, thinking it better to let you sleep since something made you sick. Turning to your brother and pondering just what did make you head out? He asks, “Hey, what ma—“ but before he could finish, your mom was calling groups

“Okay, everyone, we will split into groups to make distributions easy. Take a little of each kind of clothing, men to babies, with you. The spot I give you is where you will be sitting at a distribution table, which my wonderful daughter (F/N) and her friend Ethan helped set up.” Ethan smiled and waved around at the people who were looking for you “ (F/N) who is unfortunately very sick and has to raincheck on being here was the mind of this event, and she was overwhelmed and overjoyed of the community outreach here; it shouldn’t take us more than 45 minutes to get rid of these items and help some families in need.” Everyone starts to clap. Jason stands and lends a hand out to Kiara and helps her stand as Rafe stands and moves to make sure he has a good line of sight on the pretty boy with no manners.

Everything is muffled as he stands examining the boy who’s most likely 20 feet across the ballroom from him, trying to catch a slip of any kind and the fun demeanor he’s been portraying all evening. Still, he seems respectful and well-mannered. Rafe watches, knowing under the stone image of a nice guy is a monster clawing its way back out.

Rafe hearing his name is what diverts his attention. “Rafe, would you mind leading the last group?” he looks to your mother, smiling; he shakes his head, dying inside but smiling, saying, “Would be happy to Andy.” This being out, Rafe sees for the first time in the evening; the boys' eyes snap, and it is immediately like the pin pulled from a grenade getting ready to blow.

Rafe sees Ethan’s eye lock with his; you would think Rafe has lit his house on fire and spit in his face with the disgusting face he throws his way. Rafe stares back, the usual dark look in his eye, a smirk on his face, knowing now this kid knows the monster has met its match. Looking at Ethan but saying to your mother, “Where would you like us?”

Rafe is walking outside to your jeep with your brother in hot pursuit, with no emotions, as he carries boxes to be loaded in the back. His group comprises Jason, Kiara, Sarah, Topper, the girls, and the goon. They all agreed to take separate cars, Kayla and Ally with Kiara in her vehicle; Topper and Sarah were so kind as to offer to take Ethan, leaving Jason to drive Rafe in your jeep. As they loaded the back with their few boxes, Jason turned to Rafe with an almost incredulous look. “I know what I told you is a lot to believe—“ Rafe stops him by simply saying, “I see it; in his eyes, he’s done something, and he doesn’t like me 'cause she does.” They had an entire moment of understanding between the young men he had done something that night, and now they both knew, and they will know what happened eventually.

This has both boys rounding the car and hopping in. Jason turns on the car, but before turning off the country club driveway with his hand on the wheel, he turns to Rafe again. “Just don’t let him provoke you, bro; he can be complicated. I told you the kid likes to be a bit of—“ Rafe looks at him with literally no emotion on his face saying, “a bitch.”

Jason laughs, throwing his head back against the headrest for the first time since he greeted him; he sees brightness return to Jason’s face; he lays his head there a moment, laughter dying back slowly. He shakes his head, bringing it forward. “Ethan is a crude bastard, and he’s not afraid to say what he thinks even if it's stupid, but he also likes to pick a good fight.” This has Jason looking at Rafe dead in the eyes, more serious than he’s seen or heard anyone in your family this far.

He says, “Don’t let him provoke you.” Rafe frowns, but Jason looks at him like a kid whose parents picked him up during a fight at school, and they’re waiting for him to say what he knows and won’t. Rafe starts to get a little pissed. “What makes you think he’ll—“Jason eyes him again, turning to drive as Rafe sits back silently for a moment. “I won’t. I’m here for her, and she wouldn’t, so I won’t,” Jason chuckles. “She’s got you wrapped around her finger already, huh? Yeah, she has that effect.”

Jason smiles, looking forward to driving them to the Heywards Shop to set up a pickup for clothes. Rafe stares out the window, watching the yellow streetlights mix with the blue-green hue of the evening sky and looking out at the hint of the stars he can see shining in the night sky. He thinks of you and how fast his heart beats when you smile and how warm he feels when you are next to him. You make him feel and think so differently in a way that makes him want to explore and experience things as you do; he wants to see things from a positive and enthusiastic perspective.

Against his better judgment, he pulls his phone from his pocket and pulls up the contact he’s already saved for you and the messages you’ve already shared.

Rafe: I'd take any favors you’d give, and also, I’d love for you to tell me where, and I’ll be there; sweet dreams, angel. ❤️

All rights belong to the owners of Netflix and the Outer Banks. I do not own any characters except OC characters. The fiction is simply for fun. All copyrights belong to the original owners.

[lostcauses-noregrets]

Do you think Levi's ending is a happy ending?Personally i'm not sure tbh, we saw him being really close with Gabi and Falco which is very sweet, It's good to know they're taking care of him . But honestly I still wonder how the rest of his life will look like? I wish we would see more of how he's dealing with grief in this new world where he doesn't have to fight anymore, like obviously he's still helping people as we saw so he still has something to keep him going, but still.

Anonymous asked:

I think what bothers me about the new ending (for Levi) is that isayama kinda portrayed things only in a happy and hopeful light, like he didn't show us any bad days in Levi's new life so it feels kind of unrealistic? Idk how to describe it, but I liked the manga ending more in regards to that I think. Like I want Levi to be happy but it's just hard to imagine after everything that happened, after losing Erwin and everything the manga and Isayama told us how he felt after losing him.

I hope you don't mind me answering these asks together, because they're both quite similar.

For a long time I was really ambivalent about the idea of Levi surviving and living on after he'd lost everyone he cared about and who cared for him, but I'm actually really happy with the way Isayama ended Levi's arc. I'm glad he found a new family with Gabi, Falco and Onyankopon, but I don't believe for one minute that he ever forgot Erwin, or Hanji, or any of the other people he lost. If there's one thing we know about Levi, it's that he is loyal to a fault and that he never forgets.

I'm not sure I agree that Isayama only portrayed Levi's ending in a happy and hopeful light, especially when you look at the way he changed the ending multiple times. The original manga ending, which showed Levi sightseeing with Gabi, Falco and Onyankopon was very cute but it always struck me as being rather incongruous considering the devastation the Rumbling caused. I thought the anime ending was much more realistic where we saw Levi and his found family in a refugee camp with the remnants of humanity that survived the slaughter. And although the setting of Bad Boy is hopeful, with Levi and the others working together to plant trees and restore the environment, there can be no doubt that it must have been back breaking work. Also the story that Levi shares with Gabi and Falco clearly shows that he hasn't entirely escaped the trauma of his past.

I agree that it would have been really moving if Isayama had explored the impact of trauma and grief on Levi's later life, however given that he made it clear he was done with the series, I'm not surprised he didn't want to go there. Thankfully there are plenty of fic writers who are more than willing to explore these themes. The Permanence of the Young Men and A Good Man are my attempts to acknowledge Levi's grief and sacrifice, and his remembrance of Erwin, while still doing justice to his life with Gabi and Falco (I hope). There are many others too; there are 129 Eruri fics on AO3 tagged post-canon that you can explore.

[iknowimdespicableme]

My top 5 Doctor Who Episodes; And why!

DOCTOR WHO SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!! I say the season and episode before I start analyzing, so feel free to skip some.

5. Vincent and the Doctor [5x10]

This episode was so touching to me on many different levels. Firstly, as a creative person who deals with mental health and ostracization, seeing a version of Vincent Van Gogh on screen felt almost healing. Acknowledging the hurt he experienced while not ignoring his joys was very special. On a technical level, the way that the episode visualized a way Vincent Van Gogh may have seen the world was incredibly eye opening and better allowed me to appreciate his art. Furthermore, the confusion Amy experienced during the episode regarding her memory was such an experience for two reasons; Firstly, it proved to us, the audience, how much she has grown to love Rory. Before, she was dating him because he was the only half-decent guy around. But, after learning more about him and spending more time with him, she is truly in love with him and this episode gives proof of that. Secondly, I experience dissociative fugue, wherein I may forget large aspects of my life, and this episode was so comforting regarding that experience. Yes, sometimes there are things you can't remember that make you happy or sad. You should embrace the feelings rather than ignore them or feel scared. And, finally, the moment where Vincent Van Gogh is able to see what the future of his art holds is a touching moment; and I like that it didn't save him in the end. Like the Doctor said, “The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't always spoil the good things or make them unimportant.”

4. The Husbands of River Song [2015 Christmas Special]

I looked forward to finally watching this episode for so long leading up to it because I had heard such flattering things about it; and it didn't disappoint. After many episodes that felt lacking or one dimensional, this special brought back an element of camp, humor, and fun that had been missing, all the while including beloved characters and dramatic sequences. Allowing the Doctor an opportunity to see how one of his companions, especially River, acts when he is not around gives the audience so much more insight into her character and the Doctor a chance to learn and grow. Asking her about himself and learning that, although she may be worried or grieving, she finds these feelings worth it just to keep loving him. Considering how much River puts a mask on around 11 to not show her age and sadden him, it was refreshing to see a new side of her. Not to mention, the storyline for the special was interesting and compelling without being overwhelming in a way that took away from the characters. Although it's unlikely that the Doctor doubted River's feelings for him, this episode gave ultimate proof regarding how much she cares about him. Unfortunately, it also showcases how little River thinks of herself in relation to the Doctor. And, yet, there 12 is to prove her wrong when it mattered. Best of both worlds! Finally, the tenderness mixed with grief and understanding that we end the special with is such a perfect conclusion to River's story with the Doctor as it reflects their whole saga together perfectly. River's argument to the Doctor that, "Happily ever after doesn't mean forever, it just means time." was so special and the Doctor finally allowing himself to settle down (if only for a little bit) was exactly the kind of growth the character needed.

3. Wild Blue Yonder [2nd 2023 David Tennent Special]

I watched this episode yesterday and by gods it quickly skyrocketed to one of my favorites, where do I even start. Within the first few minutes of the episode, we are given many similarities and differences when comparing this Doctor and Donna adventure to their previous excursions. While they still compliment each other well, offering understanding and push-back, it is also clear the ways they have matured. Donna seems more in touch with her emotions and how she is truly feeling. When we first met her, she had a lot of anger and frustration within her from constantly being scrutinized and ignored. Now, we can see she is more peaceful and secure, even if below the surface some hesitation still lingers. Whereas, in the Doctor's case, he is so much more open to affection and vulnerability. The lessons he learned as 11 and 13 showed him that he could trust others, even if it is slowly. Although he is still trying to ignore or repress many things that have happened to him, he is at peace with them more than he was as 10. They both are less rageful. So, from a literary standpoint, just the beginning of this episode was wonderful. The classic "TARDIS fucks off somewhere leaving the company stranded" and "Doctor loses his sonic screwdriver and doesn't know what to do with himself for a bit" tropes came back swinging, and the way it affected the duo was wonderful to watch. The reality of the situation wasn't quickly swept under the rug or ignored because of a bigger problem, they got to sit in their fear for a while which was beautiful. The slow realization throughout the episode as if the audience is figuring out the answer at the same time as the Doctor just felt satisfying. Small, seemingly disconnected things coming together to form a compelling mystery. And, because it takes so long to give us the answer, we feel the carnal fear of the unknown just like the Doctor and Donna. I was tense when I realized they weren't talking to each other, but copies. I was scared when they were separated. And, the best part of the whole fucking episode, I didn't know who was who. That was terrifying! Up until the last second, I thought the Doctor had made the right choice, too! It kept me on the edge of my seat, informed me so much about the characters, explored a terrifying "what if" in a way only sci-fi can replicate, and was silly as hell. Loved every second. Also, the little robot guy was cute as hell.

2. Heaven Sent [9x11]

Explodes everywhere I love 12. This Doctor is characterized as a less nice, but still very kind regeneration. He holds so many conflicting feelings regarding the loss of the Ponds, his changing relationship with Clara, his perception of himself. I loved how he acted in his episodes. as socially confused, because it felt very familiar to me. The way his brain always seemed too loud and his loner energy was such a switch-up compared to 11. and yet so in character all the same. This episode carried this perfect essence of Doctor Who that felt lost in the majority of the last couple seasons. An entire episode where the Doctor is alone, and grieving, and loving, and problem-solving all at the same time was so compelling. Although it is clear I am more of a fan of episodes that focus on the characters and not the current storyline, this story was enthralling even if it took away from character moments sometimes. Do I wish we had more chances at the beginning/middle of the episode to properly address or reminisce about Clara? Yes. But, after watching the whole episode, it is clear why it was done. The setting for Heaven Sent was so intriguing, and the whole episode we are just wondering as much as the Doctor is; Why? Why is he being chased, why was he brought here, why are there shovels? It reeled us in. And then, once we realize the torture he is putting himself through, the dramatics, character information, and emotion we are given is so heart-wrenching. Evidently, Clara gave the Doctor a comfort greater and worth more than 5 billion years of torture. Could you imagine that? The depth of his love for Clara is given so much of a spotlight in this episode, and I am frothing at the mouth for it. Especially considering how they may frustrate or hurt each other, they still know each other. They help each other. And goddammit, he is not going to let her go. But, this stubbornness isn't necessarily a good thing. One important thing about loving someone is knowing when to let them go. This love for Clara was selfish the same way her love was for him in these intense moments where they sacrifice themselves for each other. They were doing it to prove something to themselves, to get the other back because they couldn't accept they were gone, not because it would be a better existence for the one in danger. Clara didn't want to be saved, she was being brave. And this imperfect grief the Doctor experiences was so achingly realistic. When I lost my cousin, it was so hard to accept. I wanted to ignore it, I wanted to be angry, I wanted him back. But, in the end, it was his time. This journey the Doctor goes on regarding yet another loss felt so powerful. He was forced to feel this and it hurt, he couldn't just try and quickly forget about it or sulk on his own terms. At the same time, the revelations he comes to throughout the episode were so reassuring to hear someone outside of my own head say. "It’s funny. The day you lose someone isn’t the worst. At least you’ve got something to do. It’s all the days they stay dead."

Turn Left [4x11]

This comes as a surprise to no one as someone who has been PREACHING character > story. This episode, while being a perfect set up for the finale, tells us so fucking much about the Doctor and, more importantly, ABOUT DONNA! Without Donna, there's no Doctor. Without the Doctor, everything goes to shit! Seeing as we, the audience, are usually seeing the universe by following the Doctor, a companion-focused episode was so refreshing. We got to learn so much about who Donna is, what her life back home was like before we met her, and gave realistic consequences to her actions. FUCK YEAH! It felt grounded, it felt interesting. I also adore the theory that every action we take splits us off into a new universe or timeline, so this episode was so perfect for me. DONNA'S INTERACTIONS WITH ROSE!!! Their comradery and understanding, the way Rose takes Donna under her wing, a moment where we see them as real people without the Doctor intervening or affecting the discussion. The importance of Donna to the universe being made so clear. WILF'S FLASHBACKS!! It's been forever since I saw this episode, but it is so rewatchable and makes me so interested every. single. time. The end of the episode is bone-chilling, with her literally killing herself to save the universe. And then!! The Doctor being out of the loop for once and understanding the severity of the situation with the return of the Bad Wolf. Explodes everywhere, words do not do justice the pure love, respect, and admiration I have for this episode and every actor, producer, tech person, writer, involved. Thank you GODS for this episode, I love you turn left. This lesson that every single person is indispensable and important sets up that conversation in later seasons and eventually becomes the main reoccurring theme of the show. Every Donna Noble, Rose Tyler, and Martha Jones of the universe is important and loved and unique and dbiubibjbjbgiufgbfgu you get me?

Honorable mentions:

The Parting of Ways [1x13]

The first finale of new who, and it was so gooooood!! Tied up the Bad Wolf hints, gave interesting endings to the TARDIS crew, told us so much about the ninth doctor, gave us confirmed ninerose, had a compelling storyline behind it, and just a classic good episode to go back to.

Tooth and Claw [2x2]

I know I've been mostly talking about the character implications of my favorite episodes, but this one was just interesting and fun. I loved the dynamic between the Doctor and Rose, the adventure, the silliness, the royal family being involved. Just a good, well-paced, wonderful episode.

The God Complex [6x11]

This episode was so yummy. While I was watching 11's seasons, I did get the vibe that Amy looked up and admired the Doctor in an unhealthy way and I loved how this episode addressed this. The idea that this thing was taking the forms of people's worst fears, the mystery of what the Doctor saw, the interesting characters, the understanding on what a God Complex actually was, its wonderful!!

The Timeless Children [12x10]

This may be controversial and I don't care!! I loved the way this episode was structured. I was confused and interested the whole time and when it fell into place I actually had to pause and pace around because OH MY GODS!!! it was a well-done reveal that had such interesting implications and I believe every reaction was in character and made sense. At first, I was upset about the loss of the former perception of the Doctor; Just a regular ol' guy who decided to act out and, above all, be kind. Suddenly, she was from another universe and was the original timelord and i was a little sad. But, the way it has been handled after feels so fitting, and it puts the rest of the show into perspective. All of the confusing things that set the Doctor apart from the others, it made sense now! I loved this episode, I thought it was a great.

The Village of the Angels [13x4]

I LOVED THE FLUX!! getting to have a old-school style season wherein the who season was just one problem was so cool and allowed for so much information! This episode specifically was so compelling. I loved the Professor Jericho; was SUCH a great addition to the TARDIS crew, and the way the handled the angels was arguably better than Time of Angels + Flesh and Stone. They were terrifying, the mystery was intriguing, and the characters were interesting!!! The only difficult part of this episode was keeping track of who was who as someone who has difficulty recognizing faces. Besides that, I fucking loved The Village of the Angels.

[ladylooch]

How Country Feels - [Mack X David]

A/N: I am so excited to bring this to you today for many reasons. First of all, it’s Mack and David in Iowa. So we know it’s smutty and adorable. BUT! Mostly I am excited to give this as a gift to my bestest bestie @casualhilarity. You graduated!!!!! From your really tough 6 week training program and I am so so so so so so proud of you! There was never a doubt that you would be successful in this adventure. This step is just the beginning for you. I cannot wait to see what is next! In the meantime, please enjoy our thoughts on Iowa coming to life in the longest post I have ever made on Tumblr 🥹💜

Word count: 8.2k

Warnings: mentions of death, cancer, grief, smut (18+ content)

10,000 feet above Des Moines, Iowa, Mackenzie Hischier looks out the window as her plane begins to descend from her connecting flight from LAX. She has been flying across the world for almost 18 hours trying to get here. Queenstown, New Zealand was home for her the past three weeks. Her internal clock is all sorts of fucked up from the massive time swing she is going through, but she was able to sleep in sync with the Central Time Zone on her first flight. She is hopeful that will curb some of her jet lag. 

The landscape below is much different from the crystal blue water and rigid mountain peaks she came from. Instead, it is flat and vast, various different shades of greens and brows. It’s also windy. She scrunches her nose as the plane swings a bit to the left before continuing on at a smoother pace. There is not much out here to block the wind, but thousands of windmills dot the prairie below them to capture the best energy source nature can give this area. Mack has never been to Iowa, or the Midwest outside of Chicago, which doesn’t feel or look anything like what she is seeing. 

Shortly after landing, Mack walks out of the secure area, heading down to baggage claim 2. As she gets closer to the carousal, she sees a tall man with a thick black mustache, blue jeans, and a plain white t-shirt stretched across his broad chest. His hands are stuffed in his pockets as he leans against the wall by baggage claim 2, boot clad feet crossed over at the ankles. A worn, NYR baseball cap is on his head, hiding his green eyes that are devouring her even as they hide in the shadow of the bill. Mack can see the toothpick in his mouth as she gets closer. He pushes off from the wall, starting to walk towards her. Never in her life did she think she would do this, but her pace quickens and she hustles her ass across that tiled floor to be picked up by him.

“Hi!” She exclaims as she throws herself at him. He catches her easily, hauling her up his chest, both big hands clutching her ass.

“Hi honey.” He grins up at her. Mack licks her lips, then puts them on his. He squeezes her tighter into their kiss. “Mmm, missed that. Missed you.” He lets her slide down his body, Vans hitting the tile again. “Thought it was winter in New Zealand. How are you so tan?”

“There was so much sun! We got lucky pretty much the whole trip.” This trip was with two of her colleagues because it is a big feature with the magazine. Mack is grateful they had a photographer so she could focus more on the stories of the locals and less about getting the perfect shot for print.

“Good. Glad it worked out for you, baby.” He says, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “You tired?”

“Um, yeah. Don’t let me fall asleep.” She mumbles into his side.

“I won’t. You’re in Iowa now. We gotta work when we get back to the farm.” Mack’s eyes widen. She looks up at him with concern. David starts to laugh.

“I’m kidding. Work is done for the day.” 

“But tomorrow?”

“It begins all over again. Gotta feed the cows, let the chickens roam, check fence, and a thousand other tasks.”

“Hard working boy.”

“Yeah.” He grins proudly. The beeping of the baggage claim alerts them before the metal begin to turn. David sees Mack’s bag and steps forward, easily hauling it off. “Just this?” Mack nods. “Let’s go baby.” He holds a hand out for her to take. She laces their fingers together, surprised at how rough his hands feel. Her gaze travels up his arm to his bicep, noting it is rock hard and bulging even without flexing.

“How long of a drive is it?” She asks after they are tucked into David’s big, black truck. He whips it fast and easy out of the parking spot, then roars the diesel engine out of the parking ramp. 

“Ah, about an hour.” He tells her, sliding his hand over to cup her thigh. She weaves her fingers through his. He squeezes them tight. “Plenty of time for you to tell me everything about your trip.” Mack smiles, adjusting herself in the passenger seat so she can look at him while she talks. She loves talking to David. As great as everything else is with him, he is a great listener and always asks the best, most insightful questions about her work. She could talk to him for hours. When she is done, she switches the topic of conversation to him.

“Tell me about the farm. What can I expect?”

“Um,” He chuckles, nudging his hat up off his forehead to scratch an itch. “Well, it’s pretty quiet out there. We are about 15 minutes south of the town closest to us. It has been hot this summer, so I hope you got some summer clothes in there.” Mack does. She packed as accordingly as she could. “Hours are long. I’ll be up before you and come back around dinner time.”

“Oh, I thought you have staff?” Mack questions.

“I do, but someone needs to manage them.” David says. “My farm manager is off on vacation right now. Usually takes the whole month of August off and leaves it to me before he is back to managing it on his own when I head East.” 

“Oooo, you’re the boss.” Mack giggles.

“Yeah of the farm and you.” He quips. Mack rolls her eyes. He is not the boss of her, but he can keep pretending he is.

“Am I gonna see you while I’m here?” She jokes. David licks his lips and nods.

“Yeah, I’ll be able to step away. I have some things planned for us too. Figure I could take you back up to the state fair next week. Get you something on a stick.” Mack gives him a weird look. “You ever been to a state fair? County fair? Nothing?” Mack shakes her head no to both. “Holy shit.” He chuckles.

“At least I don’t think we did when we lived in Jersey. I don’t know that was a long time ago.”

“A fair is where you eat fried food, mostly on a stick, and play games to win prizes, drinks some beer or other frozen drinks to stay cool. Farmers and 4H kids bring their animals to the fair to be judged.”

“What is 4H?” Mack wrinkles her nose in confusion. David looks slack jawed at her. 

“Oh baby. It’s gonna be a whole different world here for you.” He laughs like it’s cute to him.  

Mack feels the first itch of apprehension tickle her spine.

She has been all over the world, but she may be completely out of her league here. 

- - -

The moment Mack steps out of David’s truck in the parking lot of the local watering hole, she can hear the consistent beat of the country song thumping in the tiny bar. David says its a bar, but to Mack it honestly looks like a shack she would avoid if she was alone. After getting a tour of the farm earlier, David informed Mack they were going to be meeting his friends for drinks. He has been talking her up all summer and they’re all eager to get a glimpse of this mystery woman who has stolen David’s heart.

Mack purses her lips for a moment, then looks down at her outfit. She is dressed in a flowing black, long sleeved top from Dior and Black frayed shorts from a boutique in Paris, paired with a Gucci belt. On her feet are black and white Nike Air Force ones. She has on various expensive, designer jewelry and a Prada cross-body bag her mom and dad got her for her last birthday. David had told her she looked good for where he was taking her. She feels very, very overdressed, like even her silk pajamas would be too fancy for this place.

“David.” Mack mumbles when she meets him at the back of the truck. He grabs her hand in his.

“What?” He asks. He is in dark jeans with a blue and white, light weight flannel. His sleeves are rolled up his forearms, exposing his tattoos and the tan skin from a summer of hard work. He took a shower and styled his hair perfectly with a crisp part and a perfect swoop.

“I am so overdressed.”

“What do you mean?” He asks. “You look great?” Mack doesn’t know how to tell him that she is pretty sure her outfit costs more than this bar does. “Don’t worry about it. You’re beautiful and sexy and you’re walking in on my arm. No one is going to mess with you.” Mack snorts and then starts to laugh.

“I wasn’t thinking that, but I’m trying to make a good impression.”

“Babe, they are going to love you. Trust me.”

Within an hour, Mack senses that isn’t going to be the case. 

She can feel the judgement. Detect the way it crawls over her body from his friends. The looks of “not one of us” and the whispers between the girls. She has been talked about enough behind her back throughout life to know when it’s happening right in front of her face. It started when she tried to order a Paloma. The bartender had looked at her like she grew a second head. She glances at David nervously.

“Curley, it’s tequila, grapefruit juice and lime. You got all that shit behind the bar.” David gestures to the wall of liquor. 

“You wanna come make it, David?” Curley asks.

“Fuck. Sure.” David shrugs, going behind the bar and showing Curley how to put the drink together. “You think you got that for next time?” Curley did not look like he had it for next time, so Mack switches to tequila and soda instead. 

The conversation around her has centered on all things farm and rural life. What so and so is up to now. Who had a baby. Who just got divorced. Who was cheating on who. It all seemed very juvenile and uninteresting to Mack. David stayed out of it for the most part, listening along with Mack until his friends, Cody and Trevor, started talking Iowa Hawkeye football. Then she lost him to that.

Mack fingers the cocktail napkin that is soaked with condensation below her glass. It’s times like these where Mack feels so out of place in a country she is a citizen off. She knows this isn’t a full, direct correlation of America, but how can she be more out of place here than when she was in Tokyo last year? Or she can get down and dirty in the rice fields of Thailand and feel more connection with locals who don’t speak the same language than she can in the center of the country she was born in.

David’s lips on her temple break her internal discourse. Mack smiles at him. He rubs her shoulder as if to ask “you good?” She nods at him, smiling reassuringly. 

Dun, nu, nu sounds through the bar speakers, then the whole group slaps their hands on the table. “Woo!” They yell. Then Dun, Nu, Nu. Slap, “Woo!” The whole table erupts excitedly, as a man begins to drawl over the sound system. The table turns to look at David, screaming out the next lyrics, “You were raised on an asphalt farm!” Mack blinks, feeling lost. David tips his head back, laughing loudly.

“Davey! It’s your song!” A girl who Mack can’t remember her name, screams then chugs more of her Miller Lite. 

“Get up and swing your asphalt girl around.” Mack’s eyes widen. David chuckles, tapping her thigh assuringly. 

“No, we are good.” David knows Mack would rather be a metal sign on the wall of the bar than get up when no one else is dancing. Being on display is not her thing. She is grateful for that until she sees the sneering glares of the two women at the end of the table.

“Oh, she’s too good for dancing too.” Mack faintly hears.

Mack looks at David. She can tell he didn’t hear what she heard. Not surprising with how loud his other male friends are signing along to the country song. Mack looks down at the girls, noticing how they avoid direct eye contact with her. The blonde one puts her hand up to her mouth, whispering in the red head’s ear. Then they both giggle. 

“No, let’s dance.” Mack suddenly says to David. She isn’t going to let two, small town, hick bitches intimidate her. 

“What?” He responds, surprised. 

“Yeah, show me what you got cowboy.” She jokes as she stands.

The entire table sucks in a huge, deep breath.

“Oooooooo, she is in trouble.” One of the boys mumbles. David gives her a sympathetic smile.

“We aren’t cowboys, honey. We are farmers.”

“What is the difference?” Mack scoffs, laughing, thinking he is pulling her leg. David winces slightly at the large yelp of the table behind him, then grabs Mack, pushing her towards the center of the bar.

“I’ll show you later.” He chuckles, kissing her mouth. 

“Did I say something wrong?”

“Ah, no. They’re just sensitive. Don’t quite understand how other people are outside of these state lines.” Mack gets quiet, retreating into herself again. David practically drags her around in a circle because she is shutting down internally. “Hey…” He trails off. “This is all new to you. It’s okay.” 

“They don’t like me.” She looks at the center of his chest as she says it, not wanting to see the confirmation on his face.

“Nah, they just don’t know you, sweetheart. A lot of layers to your onion.” David can twist it any which way that he wants, but they both know Mack is right. They don’t like her… right now at least.

When Mack and David head back to the table after their dance, the mood at the table has seemed to shift. Now, they all ignore her. 

“How is the herd looking, Trent?” David asks the guy across from Mack. David’s hand is around her shoulder, rolling his fingers in a circle over the thin material of her shirt.

“Should be a good year.” Trent says. “We really need it. Been hurting the last few.”

“Yeah, we all have.” David nods. “Weather has been shit. Can’t out work that.”

“We can sure fucking try tho.” Trent grins, then clinks beer bottles with him. David brings his over to clink with Mack’s glass. She does so. Trent sucks at his teeth, making a slight slurping noise after swallowing more beer. 

“Mack, where did you grow up?”

“In New Jersey before we moved back to where my dad is from in Switzerland.” He nods.

“You have a job growing up or anything?” David cocks his head to the side at Trent. “I’m just trynna find something to relate to her with.” He justifies.

“Um, no. My parents wanted us to focus on school.” Trent sighs like he is disappointed. 

"Must be nice to have a daddy who was able to give you anything you wanted. Didn’t have to work your way through high school to make ends meet.” 

“Trent, knock it off.” David snaps. “Mack knows what hard work is.”

“Does she? Cause the rest of us aren’t thinking she does.”

“Hey, don’t speak for all of us.” Cody snaps. “Drink your beer and shut up.”

“I’m just thinking that it must be nice to have an NHL daddy who can call in a favor to get you a job where you barely have to work as an adult too.” David stands up, chair knocking back to the floor. He reaches across the table to grab Trent, hauling him up to a standing position. 

“Apologize, right now, and I won’t smear you into the wood floor your daddy installed.” 

“I-I-I’m sorry. I think I’m drunk.”

“No shit.” David sneers, shoving Trent back into his chair. The rest of the table goes ghostly silent. Other bar patrons look over their shoulders at the group. Mack is flaming red over the embarrassment of the words thrown her direction and David’s intense reaction. She is equally mortified and turned on.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom.” Mack whispers as David kisses her cheek in reassurance. David gives her a sympathetic look, apologetic eyes watching her as she heads to the back of the bar. 

Mack goes into the first stall, leaning her back into the tiled wall and covering her face. She sucks in deep breaths, trying not to cry. This night could not get any worse. She wants to leave so bad, but she has never been one to back down from a fight. She isn’t going to start now. She doesn’t want them having the satisfaction of seeing her rattled and vulnerable. No, she’ll throw her walls up and fake charm the pants off them. But first, she is going to grab some fresh air.

She heads through the double wood doors, walking down the parking lot, away from the posse of smokers out front. Her arms are crossed over her chest tightly trying to fight off the chill. She doesn’t understand how it can be so hot in the afternoon, but cool down in the evening. Another thing about Iowa she just “can’t understand”. Tears sting her eyes a bit. She feels dumb. Why is this bothering her so much? That guy is a douche. She knows who she is. She shakes off his words, running her fingers through her hair. Mack knows its because she wants to belong here with David. And from her perspective, so far this trip has been less than successful.

A large jacket comes around her shoulders. She looks to her right, seeing David. His eyes are boring into her, studying her face.

"Looking at the stars?" He asks her.

"Mhm." She looks up at the millions of little dots. Now this reminds her of being in the Swiss Mountains. The same sort of inky, black sky dotted with delicate twinkles. He runs his fingers along her shoulder, resting on the back of her neck. He guides her into his side.

"Talk to me, Hisch." 

"I guess I don't have much in common with this version of you.” Her European accent drips into her voice. She is surprised to hear that. It only comes out when she is feeling emotional, creating difficulty keeping a Western dialect. David grabs the opening of his jacket on her, tugging so she turns completely towards him. He steps forward, crowding her space. He brings a big paw to her chin, tilting her face up to his.

“What version?” He asks, laughing it off. “Baby, I am who I am. No matter where I am.” He brushes her hair back behind her ear. “And you’re everything I’ve dreamed of.” Mack can see how much he means it. It’s in his touch on her cheek, in his gaze stroking along hers, in the sureness of his voice. She nods. He captures her lips. The kiss is soft, sweet sucks and gentle nudging of his tongue against her bottom lip. His other hand winds around her waist, pressing into her lower back to keep her tight to him.

David says the right things, but that kiss says more to Mack than his words ever could.

His lips on hers erase it all- the insecurity, the doubt, the not belonging, the not good enough.

He grounds her because he knows what she needs immediately, sometimes before she even knows. But tonight, it is his physical reassurance soothing her more than anything. He towers over her, shielding her from everything with his muscular body, and consumes her in a way that feels safe not smothering. 

"Just say the word and I'll go back in there to straighten Trent out." Truthfully, having him storm back in there would be so fucking hot. She would get to watch him teach Trent a lesson and get all hot and bothered between her thighs. 

“What is the other option?” She murmurs.

“I take you home. We can spend the rest of the night by ourselves.”

Mack contemplates what home entails. She wants him to hold her hand in his dark truck the whole way home. She craves for him to undress her slowly in that small house. His boots hitting the floor at the foot of the bed while he urges her to lay back so he can take his time undressing her. She needs his rough, calloused hands on her soft hips as he pulls her panties down her legs. Then she wants him soft and slow, gently thrusting deep into her in a missionary position as he irritates her lips with his mustache.

And that’s exactly what Mack gets. 

“You look so good for me, honey. So wet and soft and perfect. Take me so well.” He praises her from where he holds his weight above her. His hot breath dances over her face, coated in light beer and her from his previous perch between her thighs. Mack is blissed out, drunk on him and the stroking of him against the walls of her pussy. 

“David.” She sighs, collecting him to her chest. He presses his to hers and then rolls his tongue into her mouth. He gathers her moans, sucking them up greedily so they are only his tonight. He fucks her deeper, harder, perfect bucks into her wet heat. “Fuck you’re so good. So fucking good.” She cries.

“Yeah? Best?”

“Yeah!” She yells.

“Say my name, sweetheart. Say who makes you feel this good.”

“You! David!” She howls.

“Good girl. My girl.” He groans. Mack’s inner walls clench him, pulling him deeper with each flutter of her getting closer and closer to the edge. Her heels dig into his butt, forcing him to stay right fucking there. She turns her face into his neck, sinking her teeth into him as she comes. 

Afterwards, David plays with her fingers as she lays on his sweaty chest. He kisses her forehead, inhaling the scent of her deeply. He keeps his face there afterwards, as Mack starts to go limp in his arms. Her eyelashes brush gently against his warm skin. He shifts her hips a bit, turning to the side so she can lay more comfortable in the crook of his arm.

“Goodnight, honey.” He whispers on her forehead. Then kisses her a final time before leaving her to her slumber. 

- - -

Two weeks into her trip, Mack is still having some trouble adjusting to Iowa. Every thing is completely different here. The grocery store, the little town he took her into, the restaurant options and drinks, even the air is different! It’s laced with manure and dust, making her nose plugged up so she constantly has to drainage. Her eyes had been almost swollen shut every morning of that first week.

“Do you have allergies?” David had asked her. Mack didn’t think so, but she’s also never been to a place quite like this. After a few days of Zyrtec, Mack can finally breathe through both nostrils.

In celebration, and because she is admittedly very bored, she gets into the shower. It’s the only thing in the farm house that is modern. David likes to take long showers after working in the field all day to get clean and relax. He’ll bring a can of Coors Light in with him and have some alone time. Mack thinks is is adorable, getting to see his self-care routine in Iowa. He doesn’t do this after games in NYC, but she thinks that might be because his adrenaline is usually still roaring after hockey. His favorite post-game routing has seemingly been sex. 

After getting clean and putting on some light make up, along with a sundress, Mack got to work putting together a meal for them. She opted for easily transported items like chips, sandwiches, and cut up fruit. Then she made some lemonade from the cup of lemonade mix she found in the pantry. David loves Lemonade down here. She is starting to enjoy it too. This time she puts fresh strawberries in for a little extra sweetness. 

Mack glances out the front window to where two farm hands are working. She puts her feet in the cowboy boots David got her at the boot store in town when she first got here. They are more broken in now and are no longer hurting her feet, so she feels comfortable wearing them for today’s excursion. Then she grabs the basket and steps outside. 

Mack covers her eyes with her hand, looking out at the vastness of the farm. David took her on a tour her second day here, but she doesn’t remember anything. She worries about getting lost out there. She double checks that she has her phone. At least she seems to have good service here. 

“Um, hi.” Mack says nervously as she walks up to the two farm hands by the barn.

“Hi Mackenzie.” They greet her happily. Something about being the boss’ girlfriend she is sure.

“Mack is fine. Um, do you know where I can find David?” She holds up the basket with their lunch. “I want to bring him lunch.”

“Oh, he is in the far back 40 on the edge of the farm property.” One of them says. 

“Okay. And I can get there with that?” She points to the small utility vehicle they whip around on the front of the farm. 

“Yeah….” They trial off, giving each other a look. “Do you know how to get there?”

“I know everything branches off from this road, she points to the left. But after that I am a little lost.”

“I can take you.” The older one, who seems to be more in charge says. “We can take the truck.” Mack nods. “I can put that in the bed for ya.” He hoists it over into the truck bed, then they both get into the cab. 

“What is your name?” She asks once they start down the dirt road. Rocks kick up against the mud flaps and the underbelly of the truck, making her have to yell a bit over to him.

“Felix.”

“Nice to meet you.” She smiles politely. “Thank you for taking me.”

“Of course. Mr. David says you are our special guest. Can’t let you get lost out here.” Mack blushes, biting her bottom lip. 

“Oh I don’t know about that. How long have you worked on the farm?”

“About 25 years. I worked for Mr. Chuck before Mr. David.” Mack knows Chuck is David’s dad. She doesn’t ask, but wonders if he was there when Chuck passed away on the farm.

“That is nice. You must like it here?”

“Yes, they are fair to their workers and their families. Last year, my wife had cancer. The treatment was expensive. We had to travel up to Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. But Mr. David paid for the whole thing and kept my job. My wife has now been in remission for five months.” Felix does the sign of a cross then kisses his lips in praise. 

“Wow.” Mack murmurs. David never told her that.

“He is special. Nothing like his siblings.” Felix’s face seems to cloud over. “We are happy he bought them out of the farm.” Another thing Mack wasn’t aware of. “He has made changes, some hard to learn at first, but all have been good. For us and him. More money and security. People on other farms around here want to work for him the most.” Pride swells in Mack’s chest at hearing that.

Felix turns to the right, heading away from the road and out for a few minutes. They come over a hill, down into a valley where Mack see’s David’s black truck. She frowns, realizing he is out here working alone.

“Is he always out here alone?” She wonders.

“No, just today.” He says. “It’s a hard day for him.” Mack furrows her brows, but nods along. He didn’t say anything before they left. He seemed normal too. The truck comes to a slowed stop. David is working along the fence line. He wipes his forehead with his forearm, looking up at the truck. He sees Felix, then grins huge when he sees Mack.

“Felix! Look at you bringing me pretty little things after busting me for that in high school.” Felix roars with laughter, his big chest shaking as he leans out the rolled down window. 

“This one seems a little less crazy.”

“Eh, you don’t know her like I do.” David winks. He tosses his tools into the cab of his truck. “Stay there, honey.” He says to her. Mack stays put, letting David come to her door. He opens it up, then gives her his hand to help pull her down safely from the high farm truck. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I brought lunch to you.” 

“Oh?” He wiggles his eyebrows, then drags his gaze along her body in her blue, linen sundress. 

“Actual food.” She fills him in. He quips a smirk at her, then leans down to kiss her. 

“Basket in the back, sir.” Felix says.

“How many times do I have to say not to call me that?” David rolls his eyes.

“How many times I gotta tell you it’s about respect?” Felix quips back. Mack smiles. She likes Felix a lot. She can see herself getting to know him more over the next few weeks. 

“Fine. Hey, when you get back up can you tell Becks to get to the N.E. pasture and start working some of the cows into N.D. pasture instead? I don’t think I’m going to get to that today.”

“You bet. I’ll have Reed go with him too. That kid needs to get the hell off my project.”

“He’s a little wild.” David acknowledges. “That’s why he is with you.” David reminds Felix who sighs heavily. “Look what you did with me.” He grins. 

Felix waves and drives off back to the barn after David hauls the picnic basket out of the back. 

“I brought a blanket too.” Mack pulls it out of her bag that she had slung across her shoulder. David drops the tailgate of his truck, then lays the blanket along the back.

“That’s good otherwise your thighs would be burning in that short dress.”

“Is it short?”

“Honey, you know it is.” He slaps her ass to prove his point, getting some of her bare cheek against his palm. Mack leans forward, feeling the fabric slide further up her thighs as she digs in the picnic basket. David runs his fingers up from her knee to cup her ass. He reaches for her arm, pulling her away from the food. “Want something else first.” He sighs against her mouth.

“What if someone comes to find you?” She weakly protests. She had this in mind for lunch too.

“They’ll call me.” He murmurs against her mouth. “Trust me, I don’t want any of my guys seeing you, honey. I wouldn’t take the chance if I didn’t think it was safe.” Mack nods, believing him completely.

He wraps an arm around her waist, pinning her tight to him. His hard cock protrudes from beneath his zipper, pulsing for Mack to touch. Her fingers, clutch the back of his neck, feeling his skin sweaty and hot beneath her fingers. He smells sexy like sweat and deodorant that works just as hard as her man. It’s hot, sexy as fuck, to the point that Mack wraps her leg around his waist to grind against him.

David moves his mouth from hers and presses kisses along her throat. He sucks her skin hard into his mouth at the nook of her neck and shoulder, then continues down. Mack arches back, letting her head fall back so he can access her chest completely. His lips continue their path over the swell of her left breast, then he nudges the fabric to the side. Her nipple pebbles in the sunlight, pink and beautiful, just for him. He opens his lips, pulling it in. His tongue strokes over her sensitive peak, then creates a wet trail to the other one, grabbing it between his lips. He lets that one go with a final slurp, then goes back to kiss her mouth. 

“Mmm.” Mack hums. Her fingers go to his belt, working it apart. She pulls his hard length out of his jeans and underwear, stroking along his shaft, feeling the velvet skin tight in her hand. She works her fingers up to his head, stroking until his slit releases pre-cum. 

“Fuck.” He groans, breaking away from their kiss. David turns Mack, lifting her dress up over her ass and pulling her bare skin back to his. He works his cock between her ass, savoring how she grinds her cheeks against him while he holds her tight by her stomach. He kisses her shoulder, tasting her warm, vanilla skin. 

“Bend over.” He growls before she reaches between their bodies and holds his balls, stealing his breath. She rolls them over in her hand as she lays forward obediently. Her right cheek presses into the blanket she brought. David moves her dress up, pulling her thong underwear down for her ankles to hold. David strokes his cock as he puts two fingers at Mack’s entrance, testing her. She is soaked, almost dripping down those soft thighs for him. He curses again, then plunges into her welcoming heat.

Mack’s arms stretch above her head, gripping the blanket in her palms. Her hard nipples stroke against the ridges of the truck bed with each direct thrust of him into her. David works his hands off her hips to the front of her thighs, keeping his hands there to protect her from the lip of the tailgate. His lips kiss her spine, then he get into position to fuck her hard and fast just like she begs for. The truck suspension squeaks from his powerful pumps.

“So good.” Mack calls back. She opens her eyes, taking in the surrounding Iowa wilderness, grinning at how sexy it is to be fucked by this man right here. Maybe she could be a country girl after all. She giggles.

“What?” He asks her.

“Maybe I am a country girl.” 

“By the time I’m done with you, you will be.” He laughs, slapping her ass with his abdomen with each drill of his cock into her. 

“Oh.” She groans, felling like a completely, coming undone mess at what he is doing with her. His unhooked belt slaps the outside of her thigh as it swings. She moves one hand from above her head, bringing it to her clit to roll it in rapid circles. “David…” She moans loudly, letting her voice go, carrying out across the field.

“Mmm, yeah. Let the world hear you baby. Let everyone know who’s pussy this belongs to.” He brings a hand under her stomach, arching her lower back and hips up so he can drive at a different angle. Mack’s eyes roll into the back of her head, almost securing to her brain at how incredible his cock feels pressing into her velvet circle. 

“Right there. David, please don’t stop. Never stop.” Mack wails. 

“Not until you coat this cock, sweetheart.” He assures her. “This what you wanted, huh? Made your man a little meal so he would stuff you full of his thick cock?”

“Yeah!” Mack admits shamelessly. “Ohmyg-“ Mack chokes on the last word as the intensity of her orgasm rips the breath from her lungs. 

“Oh fuck. Baby, yes.” He moans, losing control at the hard flutters of her around him. “So fucking good, baby. Perfect for me.” His hoarse voice coos at her as he paints ropes of cum on her walls.

Their heavy breathing makes them hot, sweat beginning to bead along their spines as they lay limply against each other on the truck bed. Then, David straightens up, gliding himself out of Mack gently. She whimpers at the emptiness, wishing he would stay there for a little longer. He delicately drops her dress back over her butt after bringing her panties up into place. She turns, leaning on the tailgate as her legs shake. David tucks himself back into his pants, buckling his belt before focusing back on her. He grips her chin with his thumb and pointer finger, giving her a soft, wet kiss. 

“You are amazing.” He sighs. Mack grins into their kiss.

“You too. Never felt like this.” She whispers, holding him by the back of his neck against her forehead. Never thought she would admit things like this to someone either. But as per usually, David is scratching out all of her rules and rewriting new ones, like spending weeks in America’s heartland and turning down jobs from her editor.

“I’m starving. What did you bring us?” David asks, picking her up and setting her on the tailgate behind her so she can reach the picnic basket. She brought them turkey sandwiches with fresh lettuce, tomatoes, and homemade pesto mayo she put together yesterday afternoon. All the flavors have marinated deliciously together, creating a flavor bomb in her mouth. 

“Holy shit. This is amazing. Thank you!” His genuine appreciation makes Mack’s chest warm. She smiles coyly, with her mouth full of food. He leans down to kiss her. Mack gently chews the rest of her bite, looking over at David who is devouring his sandwich is two more huge bites. She chuckles, then licks her lips before speaking.

“So Felix said today is a hard day for you?” Everything about David’s demeanor changes like a snap. His face darkens. He begins to fidget next to her, slightly pulling away as his body gets rigid. He sniffs, then takes a big glug of lemonade from the mason jar. 

“Yeah.” Mack hesitates, remaining quiet while watching him stuff some chips in his mouth. Then she puts her sandwich down on the plate next to her, turning to sit facing him. She puts her hand on his thigh, continuing to stay quiet until David sighs heavily. “My mom died ten years ago today.” Mack stills, then rolls her bottom lip into her mouth. 

“I’m so sorry.” David nods, clearing his throat.

“This date every year I come out here and fix fence and talk to her. Tell her about what I’ve been up to the last year. Cry a little bit. Then go clean off her and dad’s grave and put some fresh flowers down from her rose garden by the house.”

“That sounds like a nice way to honor her.” Mack murmurs, moving her hand from his thigh to his hand, lacing their fingers together. He brings the back of her hand up to his mouth, kissing along her knuckles.

“It is. Unfortunately, I’ve had ten years to get the tradition perfect.” He sighs. “Every year on this date though, it feels like it just happened.” Mack can imagine so. “Sucks.” He sniffs again. Mack rubs her thumb along the tendons of his hand.

“Will you tell me about her?”

“She was hilarious. Spunky as shit. Had to be with how crazy my siblings and I were in our younger days. We used to pretend to be super heroes and jump off the barn into the hay. It was all fun and games unless you were a bit off…. Or got pushed off like me.” Mack’s eyes widen. “But my mom was always watching out the window and would rip my brothers a new asshole anytime they were picking on me. She was strong and full of joy. She loved working in her garden. A few of the plants have died off over the years cause of deep freezes, but most of those rose bushes are hers. I hire Felix’s wife to tend to them in the summer so they’re always taken care of. Mom would have wanted that, since she isn’t here to do it…” 

Mack squeezes his hand then brings her other hand up to run over his back. She rests her mouth on his bicep, continuing to listen while holding him. 

“I think that’s why it was so hard when she got sick.” His voices starts to get tight. Tears pinch Mack’s eyes. “That… but also she has missed so much. She didn’t get to see me graduate from high school or college. Didn’t see me get drafted or my first game in the NHL. At least my dad was there for those, but it wasn’t the same. He didn’t have the words like she would have when I struggled to stay up in the NHL those first few years or the way he rode my ass when I was home every summer to be a better farmer.” David shakes his head. 

“It’s like every year something happens that I’m sad she isn’t here for. This year, I’m sad she doesn’t get to know you.” Mack’s bottom lip shakes as two tears go down her cheeks. He turns his lips into her hair, then continues to talk against her head. “She would have loved you- strong, independent, sassy, and so pretty you could bring even the most stubborn man to his knees.” Mack smiles, cupping his cheek to hold him against her. “Those dimples… baby.” He sighs, “They get me every time.” 

“I hope she still likes me now… even from wherever she is watching over you.”

“I think so.” He smiles. 

“Could I go with you to their resting place?”

“Yes, of course you can. I just gotta check the rest of this fence and then we can go.”

“Thank you for telling me. I didn’t know…”

“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t like talking about it. Probably why Felix told you.” Mack nods, understanding that Felix was looking out for David too when he told Mack about today on the drive down. 

Mack and David finished their lunches and she helps him check fence. She walked the line with him and pointed out normal fence she thought looked bad and he taught her about what to look for instead. When they were done, they loaded up into David’s truck, then drove back towards the house.

The house is coming into view when David peels off to the right and drives to an open, unassuming field. There is no fencing, just in ground stones that mark the Carlson members that are buried on the farm. David grabs a bucket full of cleaning supplies. He gives Mack the flowers he picked earlier that had been resting in a bucket of water, then takes her hand to walk over to his parents' graves. 

Mack begins to cry immediately, feeling so overwhelmed with sadness for David. And his parents. For everything they have missed. For the people she will never know. For all the moments that David will never get to have with them and how fucking cruel it is that he has to go through that for the rest of his life. All those happy days will have a shade of grey because of who is missing. It’s not fair. She wants to change that for him, ease some of that, but instead, all she can really do is cry sympathetically. 

When they get to his father, Charles E. Carlson’s headstone, David drops her hand and puts his work gloves on. He uses his tools to cut away the over grown grass and weeds. Then he grabs the soapy water and rags to clean the dirty away from the head stone. Mack kneels off to the side, by his mother’s stone, watching quietly, sensing her help is not wanted. This seems methodical and therapeutic to David.

He rests his butt on his heels while he looks down. He presses his palm on his dad’s name, then works his way to his mom’s and does the same thing. This time, wet tear drops fall from his eyes onto the dusty stone as he cleans the grime off. Mack swallows hard, new tears of her own falling down. David puts his left hand on his mother’s name, Beatrice. Mack reaches out, putting hers on top of his. David opens his right arm for her to slide into his side. Then he holds her close.

Mack doesn’t know, but while he holds her tight, David is telling his mom, where ever she is resting, that the girl in his arms is the one.

- - -

Mack can’t believe it is her second to last night here.

As different as it all was when she first got here a month ago, her and David have settled into a nice routine. Every morning starts early, with a romp in the sheets. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow, always incredible though. After that, Mack wanders down the hall in his shirt to make him coffee and some eggs to wolf down fast after his shower. She sits with him at the table as he tells her all the different chores he has for the day. She asks questions. He patiently answers. 

Then, after a long smooch with wandering calloused hands, he heads out to the field. Mack will meet him for lunch, or if it’s too hot, he comes into the kitchen to take a break in the air conditioning. They spend 10 minutes of his hour long lunch eating and the other 50 devouring each other. On the tail gate, on the kitchen table, on the floor, on the couch- wherever they can make it to before their clothes start falling off their frames.

David will return back to his chores, then come home around dinner time. Him and Mack trade off making dinner. He likes to grill for her as she tries different self- prepared marinades with fresh produce from the farm’s garden. Then they end the night watching the sunset on the front porch, which is where they are right now.

The porch swing sways gently from David’s light rocking. A calm, cooling breeze blows through the wrap around porch that hugs the white farmhouse his family built generations ago. Mack thinks about her flight in two days that is supposed to connect her with Newark before she will turn around in 24 hours to head towards Aruba. Dread pinches her stomach uncomfortably. She has started to fall in love with this place and all of it’s differences that she hated 4 weeks ago. David is staying here for two more weeks. He will be returning to New York a few days after she gets home from Aruba.

Mack looks down at his forearm across her stomach. Her fingers tips drag along his tanned skin, watching the goosebumps form on him from her touch. An emotional sigh falls from her lips. His lips touch her hair in recognition, fingers pressing deeper into her side.

“You okay?” 

“I don’t want to leave.” She confesses. He moves so her back falls across his lap. His other arm catches her head in the cook of his elbow. “Wanna stay here with you.” She whispers, reaching up for his face. 

“Baby, if you wanna stay you can, but if you need to go, that’s okay too. There is a whole life of yours outside of me.”

“I know. But it can wait until I’m ready to rejoin it.” David smiles down at her. His fingers run up from her stomach, along her left breast, to cup her cheek. Mack presses up to meet his lips. His hand tangles in her wild, country hair, gripping her tight to his mouth so he can taste her thoroughly. 

“You’re sure? I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay here.”

“I don’t.” She assures him, gripping his wrist where that hand still holds her face. His thumb rubs a track across her cheek bone, looking into her brown eyes. 

“Okay. Then stay. I want that.” He admits. “Was feeling really sad in the field this morning, thinking about driving you up to the airport.” Mack smiles, nodding in agreement. He pulls her up to kiss him again, then lets her head settle in his lap as she wiggles down. Her hair splays across his thigh as he works his finger prints gently into her scalp. Her eyes flutter, wanting to close and give into how good this feels. 

Mack loves the salty breeze off the ocean, the sand between her toes, and the way the pace of island life is unapologetically slow.

But not even that can compete with how good it feels here in David’s arms on his front porch swing.

More Mack & David can be found here.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hello Steph!!! I was wondering if you or your wonderful followers have recs for me. I'm looking for fanfics with a deep study of Sherlock character. His past, his behaviour etc. Maybe without ships? But I'm ok with johnlock tho. Thanks ❤️

Hey Nonny!! *HUGS*

OOOF Most of my fic recs are Johnlock stories, so I do apologize for that... I DO have a list I put together for "Introspection" type fics, which are essentially character studies or either character so I can use your ask for that list, but I think you'll also find some stuff you'll like on these lists:

POV Sherlock 1st & 2nd Person

POV Sherlock 3rd Person Pt. 1: Fluff

POV Sherlock 3rd Person Pt 2: Hurt/Comfort & Whump

POV Sherlock 3rd Person Pt 3: Angst/Angsty Fluff or BAMF Fics

Fics in “Sherlock’s Voice”

If anyone has something more catering to Nonny's request, please do, but for now, let's see these Introspection fics!

INTROSPECTION / CHARACTER STUDIES

The Moment When by drekadair (K, 509 w., 1 Ch. || TGG Fic, Friendship, First Person POV Sherlock, Introspection, Worried Sherlock) – Sherlock sees John in the pool, and doubts. Set during the end of "The Great Game." (FFNet)

The Hollow Man by HHarris (G, 639 w., 1 Ch. || John’s Chair, Introspection, Sherlock’s Big Feelings™, Post TRF, Angst, Emotional Turmoil, POV Sherlock, Pining / Sad Sherlock) – Still reeling from the apparent loss of his one and only friend, Sherlock returns to 221B for the first time after the events of The Reichenbach Fall.

Five Seconds by xXLadyLovelaceXx (K+, 658 w., 1 Ch. || TGG Pool Scene, Friendship, Introspection) – In the half-second before Sherlock shoots the jacket, John notices something. (FFNet)

Back in the Saddle by grannysknitting (M, 1,577 w., 1 Ch. || Post TGG AU, Donovan POV, Observation / Introspection, Protective Sherlock, Injured John, Case-ish Fic) – Their first return to solving crime after the pool and the explosion. (FFNet)

Upon This Throne by ifonlynotnever (T, 1,773 w., 1 Ch. || Pre-TRF, Angst, Romance, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Introspection, Imagery, Pining Sherlock, Drug Use, Passage of Time) – Inside Sherlock's mind is a Palace. Inside the Palace are many rooms. Within the largest room is the Throne. Upon the Throne sits the King. (FFNet)

Love and Bombs by Spark Writer (T, 1,780 w., 1 Ch. || Post S3, Romance, Angst, Pining Sherlock, 1st Person POV Sherlock, Introspection, Ambiguous Ending) – Love and bombs aren't all that different, John. In the end, they're almost indistinguishable. (FFNet)

You Can Imagine The Christmas Dinners by johnsarmylady (T, 1,780 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Family, Introspection, Fluff, Post-ASIP) – Set the morning after a Study in Pink, John sits and contemplates Mycroft's words. (FFNet)

Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil by PipMer (T, 1,895 w., 1 Ch. || Alternate Universe || Deaf John, Mute Sherlock, Friends to Lovers, Romance, Fluff and Angst, Character Study, Morse Code, Love Confessions) – John is deaf. Sherlock is mute. There are no two people more suited for each other.

Spectrum of Mourning at the Funeral of a Solitary Man by TheBookshelfDweller (T, 1,956 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, Grief, Friendship, Sherlock First Person POV, Introspection) – Because each kind of love produces its own kind of grief, a long-ignored voice tells the story of five mourners of Sherlock Holmes, a man who in the end, was all but solitary. (FFNet)

The Lie-In by KendylGirl (M, 2,000 w., 1 Ch. || POV Sherlock 1st Person,  Bed Sharing, Fluff, True Love, Introspection) – Five months after his return, John and Sherlock spend a day in bed. Part 2 of When to Let Go

Study in John by chappysmom (K+, 2,158 w., 1 Ch. || Post-ASiP, POV John, Introspection, Friendship, Nightmares, Caring Sherlock, John’s Limp) – After the events of "A Study in Pink," John lies on the couch in Baker Street and thinks about the whirlwind events of the day. What is he getting himself into? (FFNet)

Coming Full Circle by KCS (K+, 2,358 w., 1 Ch. || Alternate TGG, Friendship, Drama, Violence/Death References, Drugging/Poisoning, Kidnapping, BAMF John, Moriarty POV, Introspection) – Moriarty had John for almost six hours between his abduction and the showdown at the pool - more than enough time to implement a Plan B for his escape should Sherlock call his bluff with the fake bomb vest. (FFNet)

It's All Fine by AkoyaMizuno (T, 2,459 w., 3 Ch. || Post-TGG, Introspection, Mild Angst, Friendship) – Sherlock never asked what happened in the hours between John being kidnapped and the events at the pool. It occurs to him, days after the fact, that he probably should have. (FFNet)

Overture by Kate_Lear (M, 4,435 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss / Time, Friends to Lovers, Angry John, Introspection, Developing Relationship, Embarrassed / Insecure Sherlock, Morning After, Bed Sharing, Cuddles / Limpet Sherlock) – A short snippet on how John and Sherlock might have got together.

Days Go By by Hummingbird1759(T, 4,454 w., 6 Ch. || Angst, Friendship, Post-TRF, Introspection) – The characters' lives go on after the Fall... sort of. (FFNet)

When Your Belly's in the Trench by Morgan_Stuart (T, 4,743 w., 1 Ch. || PTSD, Character Study, Rescue, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Torture, Trauma, Danger, Drama, Kidnapping/Captivity) – The next time that door opens, John Watson will kill the person on the other side.

Applied Linguistics by what_alchemy (M, 4,837 w., 1 Ch. || Possessive / Anxious Sherlock, Introspection, Bed Sharing, Past John Whump, Est. Rel., Marriage Proposal, Sherlock Loves John So Much, Word Play) – “He wants to shake John by the shoulders, wants to open his mouth and swallow John whole. Wants to marry him.” Sherlock searches for the right words.

Bound Into the Fire by Tara Laurel (T, 6,672 w., 5 Ch. || TEH, Suspense, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Bonfire Scene, John Whump, Mary is Nice) – "John sometimes compared Sherlock Holmes to the flaming beast in his mind...Not such a bad way to go, John mused. Being consumed by Sherlock. Dying in his fire. No. This was different. He was burning alive. Not figuratively. Not some flowery metaphor. Burning." There was no two minute stay of execution. "Amazing how fire exposes our priorities." (FFNet)

Victim, Bait, Hero, Friend by KimberlyTheOwl (T, 7,887 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TGG Epilogue, Angst, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Past Kidnapping / Torture / Implied Rape, Panic Attacks, Worried / Possessive Sherlock, Lestrade is a Good Friend) – Some insights into why John was perfectly willing to throw everything away for a chance to kill Moriarty at the pool. Trauma, ugliness, and finally healing. Some nice supporting work by Lestrade as well. (FFNet)

A Friend Indeed by Sanru (K+, 8,190 w., 1 Ch. || Missing John, Friendship, Drama, Introspection, Possessive Sherlock, Worried Sherlock) – Something has gone terribly wrong with a supposedly simple case. John Watson is missing. While the search for him is proving to be fruitless, it has made Sherlock realize that having an emotional attachment to someone may have its disadvantages but he liked being able to call John his friend. Now if only he could find out what happened to him... (FFNet)

The Skin Over My Heart by standbygo (E, 8,849 w., 1 Ch. || Post-Hiatus, Fake Relationship, Case Fic, Dog Tags, Military, Homophobia, Gay Bashing, POV First Person Sherlock, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Declarations of Love, Undercover, Haircuts, Flashbacks, Touching, Pining Sherlock, Hospitalization, Metaphors, Introspection, Hand Jobs, On the Couch, John’s Past, Angst with Happy Ending) – Sherlock and John are still trying to adjust to Sherlock's return from his hiatus when John's friend Bill Murray brings them a case. Someone is targeting the LGBTQA+ members of Bill's unit. John and Sherlock go undercover at the unit, but when they end up having to flirt to flush out the suspect, Sherlock realizes he's in over his head.

Illogical, even. by magikspell (E, 9,119 w., 1 Ch. || Grey-Ace Sherlock, Character Study, Growing Up, Victor Trevor, Romance, First Time/Kiss, Sherlock-centric) – Five reasons Sherlock never believed in love and one reason he does now.

A Is For Aftermath by ElvendorkInfinity (T, 10,567 w., 1 Ch. || Injury / Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Pre-Slash/Bromance/Platonics, Hallucinations, Introspection, Insecure / Worried John, Big Brother Mycroft, Alternating POV, Anxious Sherlock, Self-Deprecating, Mildly Possessive Sherlock, 3G Moment) – John is still hallucinating, Sherlock cannot sleep, and Lestrade has a new case for them. But will life at 221B ever be able to return to normal? Epilogue to M is for Moriarty. (FFNet)

Always the sun by Rose de Sharon (K+, 12,377 w., 3 Ch. || Song Fic, Alternate Post-TGG, Friendship/Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection / Reflection, Injury Recovery, Obsessive / Protective Sherlock, Nightmares, John’s Past, Bed Sharing / Cuddles) – Sherlock ponders about how much his life has changed since John has become his flatmate. (FFNet)

To be loved by Strange_johnlock (E, 12,436 w., 8 Ch. || Post S3, Established Relationship, First Person POV Sherlock, Pet Names, Soft Sherlock, Mild ADHD, Protective John, Captain Watson, Body Appreciation, Bottomlock, Rough Sex, Travelling for Holidays, Introspection, Sherlock Loves John So Much It Hurts) – John is so deeply integrated into the work, both as my conductor of light, and as a great shot with a vicious right hook who tackles men -and women- no matter their size all in my defense. He protects me with all he can without question, and this loyalty is surely more than I deserve. Or: Sherlock is counting his blessings.

holding steady by darcylindbergh (E, 12,724 w., 4 Ch. || Post S4, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Growing Old, Gone Fishing, Mood without Plot, Soft Sherlock, Caring Sherlock, POV John Third Person, Anxious Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Touching, Feeling Old, Sherlock Worship, Crying Sherlock, Cuddles, Comforting, Introspection, Retirement, Hand Holding, Forehead Kisses, Caring John, Bed Sharing, Emotional Love Making) – Sitting on a thick wool blanket at the end of a rickety dock side-by-side, legs dangling over the edge, a styrofoam container of wet, dark dirt between them, they’re fishing. John knows what this is about. This is about finally figuring it out.

The Velveteen Doctor by Lantean_Drift (M, 12,815 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, Dev. Rel., Introspection, Mild Whump, Taking Care of Each Other) – A series of events that show John just how real he has become to Sherlock – like a bright, brilliant flash of colour in an otherwise greyscale world.

Pattern Behaviour by SilentAuror (E, 14,835 w., 1 Ch. || POV First Person Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Introspection, Stroppy Sherlock, Light Humour, Friendship, John Takes Care of Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Wall Kisses, Fluffy Angst, Happy Ending) – Sherlock doesn't even know why he resents John's dates so much. Until the day he does know. Slight angst, unrequited feelings (but don't let that scare you off!)

Hope for Heroes by Richefic (K+, 16,887 w., 5 Ch. || Post-TGG Fic, Introspection / Flashbacks, Friendship/Epic Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Worried/Anxious Sherlock, Sherlock Admires John, BAMF John, John Deduces, Fancy Party, John’s Self Esteem, Domestics) – In the final moments of "The Great Game" Holmes hopes he will have the chance to tell his flatmate that he was wrong. Heroes do exist after all and the one in front of him is called Dr John Watson. (FFNet)

And A Doctor by stillwaters01(T, 24,962 w., 6 Ch. || Five and One, BAMF John, Hurt/Comfort, Doctor John, Friendship, Character Study) – It was only when people actually saw John working as a physician that they began to understand: that it wasn’t just about bullets and IEDs and trauma care under fire. That “doctor” actually covered a pretty wide field. And that John was bloody good at covering ground. 5 times Dr. Watson treated others and 1 time he treated himself.

A Quiet Life by DiscordantWords (M, 25,176 w., 6 Ch. || Post S4, Retirement, POV Sherlock, Awkwardness, Established Relationship, Family Dynamics, Minor Character Death, Questionable Parenting Choices, Non-Linear Narrative, 20 Year Old Rosie, Meddling Mycroft, Pining Sherlock, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Angst, Sherlock Whump) – There had been three days of silence and a funeral. Sherlock had the terrible feeling that whatever happened next would depend, entirely, on him.

How To Unfold a Heart by elwinglyre (E, 25,477 w., 7 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It, BAMF John, Mentioned Eurus, POV First Person Sherlock, Case Fic, Fluff, Slow Burn, Topping from the Bottom, 3 Yr Old Rosie, Introspection, Sexual Fantasies, John Worship, Ogling, Hand Holding, Kidnapping, Domesticity, Sherlock Whump, First Kiss/Time, Doctor John, Caring John, Soft Sherlock, Sensuality, Touching, Crying, Love Confessions, Anxious Sherlock, Rimming, Toplock, Fingering, Bossy Bottom John) – To Sherlock’s dismay, John’s return to Baker Street with Rosie is only temporary. Sherlock’s daily visits to Regent Park with John and Rosie illuminate his lost childhood memories and missed opportunities. But with each trip to the park, Sherlock also feels a growing sense of hope. That is until the past horrors return unexpectedly in a cryptic note folded in the shape of a heart. To decipher the message, Sherlock must uncover the nature of the hearts around him, including his own.

To Mend Icarus by AlessNox (T, 28,347 w., 14 Ch. || Post-TRF / Pre-S3 Divergence, BAMF John, Anger, Fighting, Sex, Bed Sharing, Stalking, Case Fic, John’s Past, Introspection, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Crime, Mythology, Darkness) – After a case lands John Watson in court, he tells Sherlock that he is leaving. Not understanding why, Sherlock decides that the only way to learn the truth is to investigate his flatmate, Dr. John Watson. Sherlock finds that coming back is not enough to fix all of the damage that he caused by leaving. A post Reichenbach, post reunion re-discovery fic.

Another Auld Lang Syne by DiscordantWords (M, 30,234 w., 31 Ch. || Post S4, Mutual Pining, Alternating POV, Introspection, Parentlock, Christmas, New Year’s, First Kiss, Past Drug Use, Angst with Happy Ending, Drinking, Sherlock Whump) – There had been years of missed chances.

Lucifer's Gardens by ampersand_ch (E, 32,679 w., 12 Ch. || GERMAN VERSION|| Romance, Friendship, Friends to Lovers, Murder, Poison / Drugging, Mystery, John Undercover, Academic Club, Therapy, Rituals, Jungian Archetypes, Doctors & Physicians, Grief/Mourning, Esotericism, Hospitals, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, John Falls In Love With Another Man, Jealous Sherlock, Crying, Doctor John, Hand Holding, First Kiss/Time, Mysticism, Hugging, Touching) – John goes undercover for an investigation as a favour to Lestrade in a village in Suffolk. The events surrounding the case awaken deep-seated fears in Sherlock. While John begins to come to a realisation of what he needs in Lucifer's Gardens, Sherlock tries to find a way to reach John – in more ways than one.

There's Someone On Your Shoulder by halloa_what_is_this (NR, 41,215 w., 6 Ch. || Pining Sherlock, Introspection, Daydreams, Sherlock Loves John So Much it Hurts) – Sherlock trips and falls head over heels in love, makes a lot of lists and stares, stares, stares.

Triage by scullyseviltwin (E, 51,612 w., 14 Ch. || Character Injury, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Falling in Love, Slow Burn, Sherlock POV, Toplock) – Sherlock’s mind goes exceedingly, devastatingly quiet and gray-blank. When he speaks it’s through a thick haze, it’s through molasses, he’s so disconnected from the words that it may as well be the unconscious shooter speaking.

Spare Parts by Raina_at (E, 63,497 w., 10 Ch. || 24th Century / Futurism AU || Post TRF, Pre-TRF Relationship, Case Fic, Mutual Pining, Estrangement, Reconciliation, Science Fiction, Reunion, Nightmares, Angry John, Cybernetic John, Emotional Discussions / Heart to Heart, POV John, Scars, Past Drug Use, Forehead Touching, Emotional Lovemaking, Kissing, Apologies, Kidnapping, Rescue Mission, BAMF John, Bed Sharing, Top Sherlock) – Two years ago, Sherlock Holmes jumped off the roof of New London Hospital. Two months ago, he walked into John's clinic as if no time had passed at all. John hasn't seen him since. But then Sherlock knocks on John's door with a case he can't say no to, and while figuring out why the biggest manufacturer or synthetic limbs in the System is going after veterans, they also need to find out whether there's a way to fix what's broken between them. Part 1 of Realigning Gravity

Drawn to Stars by Silvergirl (E, 109,272 w., 60 Ch. || S4 Compliant to TLD / TFP Doesn’t Exist, Sherlock’s Italian Adventure, Sherlock/OC and Johnlock, Jealous John, Mutual Pining, Misunderstandings, First Kiss/Time, Idiots in Love, 3 Part Story, Slow Burn, Inexperienced Sherlock, Bottom Sherlock, Introspection, Multiple Alternating First and Third Person POV, Separation and Reconciliation, Emotional Love Making, Love Confessions via Letters, Angst with Happy Ending) – After the Culverton Smith case Sherlock is clean, working, and looking for a romantic partner—since John has told him that’s what he needs. Shame John didn’t mention he was interested in that role himself, before Sherlock went off to Rome with a gorgeous Italian copper to try to fall in love and become a complete human being.  Part 1 of the Drawn to Stars series

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.