#I have lived here for eight years
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My mom is home and yet she is somehow still driving me insane
#she’s inventing a narrative where I wept while putting her on the bus to the airport#and now she’s momsplaining how to get to the airport to me#I have lived here for eight years
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last night i was watching a gravity falls clip and heard the name "Pacifica Northwest" spoken out loud for the first time in roughly eight years and i had to put my phone down and stare at a wall while my brain detached from its stem like an untethered balloon. i relocated to the pacific northwest two years ago. specifically to oregon. what the fuck do you mean that's her name
#gravity falls#pacifica northwest#eight years ago i watched this show. eight. her name is so glaringly stupid and i had no idea for eight whole entire years.#cannot believe it took an entire geographical upheaval of my life AND THEN SOME for this joke to land#I recently became aware of another oregon-specific joke that I never would've got prior to living here (rock that looks like a face rock)#i have to wonder what else flew over my head. i'm long overdue for a GF rewatch but especially now that i'm in the famous state itself#nov 2024#gf
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having a really old dog is just repeating the mantra to yourself "i am grateful for the time i've been given and when it comes time to let him go i will do so gracefully. i am grateful for the time i've been given and when it comes time to let wait why are you not pooping normally WHAT IS GOING ON WHY WON'T YOU POOP ARE YOU DYING" and then calling the vet in a panic, being told actually he's fine but give the probiotic some time to do its thing and then let us know if anything changes, and then you take a deep breath and go "cool. yeah. obviously he's fine. anyway. i am grateful for the time i've been given and
#listen i got this dog when he was already 7 years old and i was 22#never in a million years did i think he'd still be here EIGHT YEARS LATER when i'm THIRTY#tbh after all the shit i've given him for pooping inside he WOULD go out because of some constipation#like ''fine you don't want me to poop inside? i guess i'll never poop again''#which is why i was so worried because this just felt like something that would happen#but the vet literally didn't bat an eye when i called lmao#she was just like ''oh yeah that sounds totally normal''#so this geriatric menace gets to live on#me#dog death cw#not really but talking about like. the inevitability of it#HONESTLY i'm glad i've had so many scares because it's almost like it's bracing me for the real event#not to be. excessively morbid or anything#ANYWAY#DOG IS FINE HE'S JUST HAVING HIS DIGESTIVE SYSTEM RESET
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can russia and north korea just nuke us already this is hopeless
#sorry to be so fatalistic on main i just have zero faith in the american public atp#i just rly wanted to believe that more americans couldve used this opportunity to prove to the rest of the world that we arent all a bunch#of sensationalist/conspiracy-driven/aggressively braindead/violent/bigoted alt-right lunatics#& i never had much faith in kamala & walz to begin with obviously im incredibly cynical towards these status quo gatekeepers and the#downright impotence of the neoliberal democratic party#but this wouldve been an easy swerve away from dozens MORE of horrible awful inhumane policies that will ultimately vanquish#the quality of life for the entire american working class like myself and our already pisspoor education system and our lousy#climate change policies and impossible living standards#but no unfortunately there is no way in hell for americans to prove even a modicum of intelligence or worth we're all basically suicidal#and despite my own immense yank bashing tendencies and complete disdain for our government i really wanted this country & my ppl to defy#our own reputation of being so fucking stupid and backwards i really did. in the tiniest little place of my heart was legitimate hope#& a tiny bit of patriotism thats now been squashed completely & this was just another large-scale international humiliation that we legit#voted that guy BACK IN after everything that has happened the last four even eight years. its unbelievable.#again obviously i dont like kamala but it still wouldve been a grand opportunity to stall against what the gop is already destroying#and with push and shove we could have made slight progress forward as a country and try to protect our social programs#be it as flawed as they are and with enough support we could have strengthened them a little. make drugs less expensive. continue forward#with clean energy decreasing our use of fossil fuels even more.#protect our education system so the up and coming generations could receive higher standards of learning than what the rest of us had#NO ABSOLUTELY NOT. im too poor to continue living here and im too poor to fucking leave !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#SORRY THIS WAS EXTREMELY EXTREMELY EXTREMELY LONG THANK U FOR READING IF U DID MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE MUSH RIGHT NOW SO I DONT KNOW HOW#INTELLIGIBLE THIS MAY OR MAY NOT BE#and if this makes anyone mad @ all then ill just delete it cuz by god i dont need more grief and self hatred !#txt
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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Sometimes I think I write my self-inserts too formally, and then I have to remember things like how I said something "satisfies both parties" in conversation today, instead of the phrase I was actually looking for, which was "a win-win". I am in fact a living list of crossword clues sometimes
#heart of the void#by ''a living list of crossword clues'' i mean that something will come out of my mouth a lot more convolutedly than it could have#with today's example being just one of many instances >w<#I think part of it stems from.. well a mixture of sources.#one is wanting the way I speak to come across as unique in a way that gets my accent/dialect/inflection? across properly#(I may always be the only one in my timezone in most friend groups but that doesn't mean i'm in the same continent as most of the others!!)#one is that eight years of latin translation has sliiiightly broken my ability to put the english language in a not-clunky word order#one is that my self-inserts - especially ones I've been on about recently like adriana and lorenza - do tend to lean more towards..#..i'm looking for a word here. eloquent? might be the one. 'cause of their backstories#so yeah. I think I type quite differently to most other people. but that's the way I like it
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*don't go to grad school out of spite, don't go to grad school out of spite, do NOT go to GRAD SCHOOL out of SPITE!!!*
#text#personal#grad school#char don't look#anyway not me being a spite and caffeine fueled being#anyway i mentioned i was trying to bully a friend into finishing his dissertation revisions to one of the PhD's i work with#said phd was like 'oh i can tell youve never been to grad school'#and im over here like i havent but i COULD#and i know i COULD i just dont know what i WANT#AAAND it bothers me when people bring up finishing dissertation vs how long its taken me to finish this gotdamn book revision#which#hnngh#BUT ALSO DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW MANY BOOKS I HAVE WRITTEN IN THE PAST 8 YEARS!!!!!!#i always blank on that when people give me shit about it#i gotta quit blanking :(#plus its not like being a writer has been my only job for those eight years#(like my friend was A Grad Student for all that time)#ive written books WHILE participating in capitalism full time#this one in particular is so slow because of my fucking god awful living situation#im Upset lmao
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in trying to figure out how to process/think about elven aging I did come down on the side of childhood/adolescence being equivalent to humans' in terms of length and development, which means that in perspective elves likely consider physical childhood an almost negligible period of time. (the realization that you are a quarter of a century old is much different when that's a quarter of your lifespan than it is when it's a tenth or less of your lifespan!) however I would love to see someone more mathematically-inclined with a take on aging that works more telescopically (reverse telescopically?), wherein life stages all around are drawn out to scale... ex: an elf child might be chronologically twenty years old but physically and mentally equivalent to, like, a ten-year-old human... idk I just think it could be really interesting to see. human now fifty years old established in their career no longer really peers with the fifty-year-old elf who went to school with them because the elf is still basically a teenager.
#Mouse talks!#I think young adulthood/middle age/seniority obviously must be drawn out correspondingly#do not misinterpret I do NOT want a Chibs 'this is a 900 year old eight-year-old!' situation. please.#just thinking about what it would mean to have the stages of life where you've never known independence be elongated also...#like. imagine. elf child raised by humans. their childhood could be their parents' entire lives#decided against this however entirely because I have Vakka-Ei as middle-aged already when she gets Hallie and have also established#that she's very much not dead by the time Hallie is on the cusp of adulthood bdjgjdkg so NORMAL CHILDHOOD LENGTH I REQUIRE#ANYWAY brain would not let me sleep until I expressed these thoughts! chucking them out here so I can go embrace unconsciousness!!#if there's a typo it's because I already took my glasses off and can't be bothered to put them back on sorry we're not addressing it
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I kind of put Vee in a middle of a fam before, but I’ve heard she was confirmed(?) 15? And I think it makes it funnier having Luz as a middle child xD
First, she got the desire to be responsible like an older kid, but goof around like a younger one.
But more importantly, her older siblings are abused recreations of an extinct species. And her younger siblings are gods XD
#the owl house#toh#vee noceda#toh hunter#PLEASE give me canon confirmation that hunter will be noceda#i want to start changing tags xD#sigh I'll do it even when the show wont confirm it kjfhdj xD#the collector#i know i said i want camila to adopt him#but also it would be cute to have two nocedas kids and two clawthornes kids#and luz noceda clawthorne xD#of course clawthornes are nocedas and vice versa <3#king clawthorne#Luz Noceda#vee sure is a more responsible older sister xD#i firmly believe in basilisk years she is older#but in human years she is 15#like how hunter physically didnt live his all 16 years#yet here he is xD#ALSO nope do not belive king is eight#he has to live SOME time before eda found him#but like vee sure is 8-9#and collector#gosh i dont even know where to put him#before or after king XD
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catch me looking at BAFTA red carpet stuff and feeling weirdly lazy that I'm doing so in my pajamas, but for Christ's sake, it's 9 AM on Sunday morning where I am, I'm not being THAT silly
(Now, if I were doing that with the Oscars when it's in my time zone, it would be a very different conversation. :)
#it's an eight hour time shift okay#oh and hey: remember the old bad years when the networks were still SO stuck on 'but it has to air during prime time'#that they'd tape delay even the goddamn oscars for three hours#like: you could live in LA and you couldn't watch it live#it was R I D I C U L O U S#file that one under 'things i'm glad the internet killed because we were all sick of that shit out here'#(also it happens pretty early in the day because we still have to cater to the east coast uggggh but oh well)
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Let it be known that one of my absolute worst flaws is I am a huge, HUGE homebody... At 29 years old...
#personal#Rant in the tags but I just feel like letting this out...#I'm home for only the next eight hours and then I'm heading out for Pittsburgh.#And I'm already feeling like... homesick almost even though I'm still here in my house?#It's like... My body is SOO used to the normalcy of how I live that now that I'm breaking it I'm just NERVOUS.#I was so excited up until today when it went and hit me that it's tomorrow that my fight or flight kicked in.#It also doesn't help that I haven't left my area since the My Chem shows last September and that ended badly...#<- That's not to say I think this will but I just... have not gotten out since last year.#Like again I'm so used to my 'work go home eat sleep' routine that I literally won't let myself have fun LMAOO#And when I say 'let myself have fun' I mean travel to anywhere too far.#And I do want to reiterate that I live in PA. Like I live four hours away from Pitt and that's not even that bad...#I'm like such a recluse it's pathetic...#And my mom called me 30 minutes ago because her and her boyfriend are going on THEIR vacation next week to the beach and I literally just#like... started crying after she hung up from telling me to have fun this weekend.#Anyway it's the Mental Illness innit? Like there is something seriously wrong with me El-m-ayy-ooo
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i've lived in both boston and seattle
seattle is worse
#seattle is SO MUCH WORSE#listen boston drivers are Aggressive right thats why everyone hates them#but boston drivers are all playing by the same rulebook#in seattle no one can even agree what the rulebook is and half the drivers on the road dont have one#1/4 of seattle drivers believe they're the main character in a car action movie#the seattle freeze extends to drivers too. by which i mean other drivers just wont acknowledge that you're on the road with them#they'll turn out into traffic four inches in front of you without looking and just pretend they dont see you when you lay on the horn#they'll block an entire intersection just for funsies.#plus seattle drivers are DEEPLY allergic to Being Prepared For Bad Weather#it's snowed every year for the past eight years i've lived here and STILL every winter people are like#'but i didnt think it would snow THIS year!'#seattle drivers will whip around an icy snowy corner at 60mph with no chains and then be surprised they're in the ditch#and i know because ive seen it happen every year with my own two eyes#boston drivers are AGGRESSIVE they're ASSHOLE they hate that you're on the road with them people hate boston drivers i GET IT#seattle drivers are fundamentally Worse Drivers. they SUCK#i've seen WAAAAAAAAAY more questionable and downright dangerous driving in seattle than i ever did in boston
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How I learned to write smarter, not harder
(aka, how to write when you're hella ADHD lol)
A reader commented on my current long fic asking how I write so well. I replied with an essay of my honestly pretty non-standard writing advice (that they probably didn't actually want lol) Now I'm gonna share it with you guys and hopefully there's a few of you out there who will benefit from my past mistakes and find some useful advice in here. XD Since I started doing this stuff, which are all pretty easy changes to absorb into your process if you want to try them, I now almost never get writer's block.
The text of the original reply is indented, and I've added some additional commentary to expand upon and clarify some of the concepts.
As for writing well, I usually attribute it to the fact that I spent roughly four years in my late teens/early 20s writing text roleplay with a friend for hours every single day. Aside from the constant practice that provided, having a live audience immediately reacting to everything I wrote made me think a lot about how to make as many sentences as possible have maximum impact so that I could get that kind of fun reaction. (Which is another reason why comments like yours are so valuable to fanfic writers! <3) The other factors that have improved my writing are thus: 1. Writing nonlinearly. I used to write a whole story in order, from the first sentence onward. If there was a part I was excited to write, I slogged through everything to get there, thinking that it would be my reward once I finished everything that led up to that. It never worked. XD It was miserable. By the time I got to the part I wanted to write, I had beaten the scene to death in my head imagining all the ways I could write it, and it a) no longer interested me and b) could not live up to my expectations because I couldn't remember all my ideas I'd had for writing it. The scene came out mediocre and so did everything leading up to it. Since then, I learned through working on VN writing (I co-own a game studio and we have some visual novels that I write for) that I don't have to write linearly. If I'm inspired to write a scene, I just write it immediately. It usually comes out pretty good even in a first draft! But then I also have it for if I get more ideas for that scene later, and I can just edit them in. The scenes come out MUCH stronger because of this. And you know what else I discovered? Those scenes I slogged through before weren't scenes I had no inspiration for, I just didn't have any inspiration for them in that moment! I can't tell you how many times there was a scene I had no interest in writing, and then a week later I'd get struck by the perfect inspiration for it! Those are scenes I would have done a very mediocre job on, and now they can be some of the most powerful scenes because I gave them time to marinate. Inspiration isn't always linear, so writing doesn't have to be either!
Some people are the type that joyfully write linearly. I have a friend like this--she picks up the characters and just continues playing out the next scene. Her story progresses through the entire day-by-day lives of the characters; it never timeskips more than a few hours. She started writing and posting just eight months ago, she's about an eighth of the way through her planned fic timeline, and the content she has so far posted to AO3 for it is already 450,000 words long. But most of us are normal humans. We're not, for the most part, wired to create linearly. We consume linearly, we experience linearly, so we assume we must also create linearly. But actually, a lot of us really suffer from trying to force ourselves to create this way, and we might not even realize it. If you're the kind of person who thinks you need to carrot-on-a-stick yourself into writing by saving the fun part for when you finally write everything that happens before it: Stop. You're probably not a linear writer. You're making yourself suffer for no reason and your writing is probably suffering for it. At least give nonlinear writing a try before you assume you can't write if you're not baiting or forcing yourself into it!! Remember: Writing is fun. You do this because it's fun, because it's your hobby. If you're miserable 80% of the time you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong!
2. Rereading my own work. I used to hate reading my own work. I wouldn't even edit it usually. I would write it and slap it online and try not to look at it again. XD Writing nonlinearly forced me to start rereading because I needed to make sure scenes connected together naturally and it also made it easier to get into the headspace of the story to keep writing and fill in the blanks and get new inspiration. Doing this built the editing process into my writing process--I would read a scene to get back in the headspace, dislike what I had written, and just clean it up on the fly. I still never ever sit down to 'edit' my work. I just reread it to prep for writing and it ends up editing itself. Many many scenes in this fic I have read probably a dozen times or more! (And now, I can actually reread my own work for enjoyment!) Another thing I found from doing this that it became easy to see patterns and themes in my work and strengthen them. Foreshadowing became easy. Setting up for jokes or plot points became easy. I didn't have to plan out my story in advance or write an outline, because the scenes themselves because a sort of living outline on their own. (Yes, despite all the foreshadowing and recurring thematic elements and secret hidden meanings sprinkled throughout this story, it actually never had an outline or a plan for any of that. It's all a natural byproduct of writing nonlinearly and rereading.)
Unpopular writing opinion time: You don't need to make a detailed outline.
Some people thrive on having an outline and planning out every detail before they sit down to write. But I know for a lot of us, we don't know how to write an outline or how to use it once we've written it. The idea of making one is daunting, and the advice that it's the only way to write or beat writer's block is demoralizing. So let me explain how I approach "outlining" which isn't really outlining at all.
I write in a Notion table, where every scene is a separate table entry and the scene is written in the page inside that entry. I do this because it makes writing nonlinearly VASTLY more intuitive and straightforward than writing in a single document. (If you're familiar with Notion, this probably makes perfect sense to you. If you're not, imagine something a little like a more contained Google Sheets, but every row has a title cell that opens into a unique Google Doc when you click on it. And it's not as slow and clunky as the Google suite lol) (Edit from the future: I answered an ask with more explanation on how I use Notion for non-linear writing here.) When I sit down to begin a new fic idea, I make a quick entry in the table for every scene I already know I'll want or need, with the entries titled with a couple words or a sentence that describes what will be in that scene so I'll remember it later. Basically, it's the most absolute bare-bones skeleton of what I vaguely know will probably happen in the story.
Then I start writing, wherever I want in the list. As I write, ideas for new scenes and new connections and themes will emerge over time, and I'll just slot them in between the original entries wherever they naturally fit, rearranging as necessary, so that I won't forget about them later when I'm ready to write them. As an example, my current long fic started with a list of roughly 35 scenes that I knew I wanted or needed, for a fic that will probably be around 100k words (which I didn't know at the time haha). As of this writing, it has expanded to 129 scenes. And since I write them directly in the page entries for the table, the fic is actually its own outline, without any additional effort on my part. As I said in the comment reply--a living outline!
This also made it easier to let go of the notion that I had to write something exactly right the first time. (People always say you should do this, but how many of us do? It's harder than it sounds! I didn't want to commit to editing later! I didn't want to reread my work! XD) I know I'm going to edit it naturally anyway, so I can feel okay giving myself permission to just write it approximately right and I can fix it later. And what I found from that was that sometimes what I believed was kind of meh when I wrote it was actually totally fine when I read it later! Sometimes the internal critic is actually wrong. 3. Marinating in the headspace of the story. For the first two months I worked on [fic], I did not consume any media other than [fandom the fic is in]. I didn't watch, read, or play anything else. Not even mobile games. (And there wasn't really much fan content for [fandom] to consume either. Still isn't, really. XD) This basically forced me to treat writing my story as my only source of entertainment, and kept me from getting distracted or inspired to write other ideas and abandon this one.
As an aside, I don't think this is a necessary step for writing, but if you really want to be productive in a short burst, I do highly recommend going on a media consumption hiatus. Not forever, obviously! Consuming media is a valuable tool for new inspiration, and reading other's work (both good and bad, as long as you think critically to identify the differences!) is an invaluable resource for improving your writing.
When I write, I usually lay down, close my eyes, and play the scene I'm interested in writing in my head. I even take a ten-minute nap now and then during this process. (I find being in a state of partial drowsiness, but not outright sleepiness, makes writing easier and better. Sleep helps the brain process and make connections!) Then I roll over to the laptop next to me and type up whatever I felt like worked for the scene. This may mean I write half a sentence at a time between intervals of closed-eye-time XD
People always say if you're stuck, you need to outline.
What they actually mean by that (whether they realize it or not) is that if you're stuck, you need to brainstorm. You need to marinate. You don't need to plan what you're doing, you just need to give yourself time to think about it!
What's another framing for brainstorming for your fic? Fantasizing about it! Planning is work, but fantasizing isn't.
You're already fantasizing about it, right? That's why you're writing it. Just direct that effort toward the scenes you're trying to write next! Close your eyes, lay back, and fantasize what the characters do and how they react.
And then quickly note down your inspirations so you don't forget, haha.
And if a scene is so boring to you that even fantasizing about it sucks--it's probably a bad scene.
If it's boring to write, it's going to be boring to read. Ask yourself why you wanted that scene. Is it even necessary? Can you cut it? Can you replace it with a different scene that serves the same purpose but approaches the problem from a different angle? If you can't remove the troublesome scene, what can you change about it that would make it interesting or exciting for you to write?
And I can't write sitting up to save my damn life. It's like my brain just stops working if I have to sit in a chair and stare at a computer screen. I need to be able to lie down, even if I don't use it! Talking walks and swinging in a hammock are also fantastic places to get scene ideas worked out, because the rhythmic motion also helps our brain process. It's just a little harder to work on a laptop in those scenarios. XD
In conclusion: Writing nonlinearly is an amazing tool for kicking writer's block to the curb. There's almost always some scene you'll want to write. If there isn't, you need to re-read or marinate.
Or you need to use the bathroom, eat something, or sleep. XD Seriously, if you're that stuck, assess your current physical condition. You might just be unable to focus because you're uncomfortable and you haven't realized it yet.
Anyway! I hope that was helpful, or at least interesting! XD Sorry again for the text wall. (I think this is the longest comment reply I've ever written!)
And same to you guys on tumblr--I hope this was helpful or at least interesting. XD Reblogs appreciated if so! (Maybe it'll help someone else!)
#creative writing#writers block#writblr#writers on tumblr#writing#writers and poets#writerscommunity#fanfic writing#writeblr#writing advice
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One time I read that post that goes "once upon a time an adult put you on the ground and never picked you up again" and it made me sad so now I lift everyone. I'm 5'3" and kinda dumpy but the trick is to plant your feet, get 'em in a gable grip low near the hips with your knees bent, and then just tuck in your Elbows and straighten your legs. Gets those fuckers right on up there. I'm the oldest of eight and also the shortest but that sad shit lives with me so I'm hauling around these kids around like it's nothing. My little brother is a hockey player and a full head taller. I carried him around when he was a baby and I carried him around last weekend. My Papa is a 230lb Bavarian man who watches Stargate in a bath robe, he's smoked a pack a day for forty years. You think I haven't lifted him? I have. He said I couldn't do it but I did. God didn't give me social skills but I'm full of love and jacked as hell and he's not here to stop me
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there is no feeling worse in the world than missing your grandma :/
#she died two months before my eighth birthday#and every time i realize i’ve lived well over half my life without her i go a little bit insane bc that just doesn’t feel right#like soooo many of my favorite memories are with her how is it possible she was only in my life for less than eight years#my grandpas on both sides died before i was born so all i’ve ever had is my grandmas#and there’s also the horrible guilt i feel all the time knowing my other grandma is still alive but i rarely ever see her#but when i was a kid she lived an hour and a half away from us and this grandma lived around the corner#so we saw her all the time and every christmas fourth of july etc that whole side of my extended family would all go to her house#she moved into that house when my mom was 2 years old and lived there for the rest of her life so 40 years#and when she went into hospice care her one request was to die in that house surrounded by her kids and grandkids so that’s what happened#my parents bought the house after she died but we lived there for less than 2 years before moving to arizona#they’re both from colorado but they met in arizona and me and my sisters were born here#and the main reason we moved back to colorado in the first place was to be near her#but when we moved again my parents sold the house to our neighbors who had two daughters that my sisters and i grew up with#and they’re still our family friends to this day and we used to go on trips to national parks together every summer#we didn’t see them for maybe five years but then two summers ago their older daughter got married and we went to her wedding#which got us talking about how long it had been since our last trip so we went on another one last summer#this has turned into a tangent but it just makes me so happy that they’re still in our lives#and this great family we’ve known almost my entire life is living in my grandma’s house#she had a pool in her backyard which is super common here in az but not so much in colorado#and she let us invite these girls over all the time to swim so they grew up spending almost as much time in that house as we did#last time we were in colorado we went to have dinner with them and swim and it was like being transported back to my childhood#that house is just so special to me and i felt so blessed to be able to go back there since this family bought it instead of strangers#in a perfect world everything would align in a way that would let me buy it when i’m older and have my own family there#i’ve never had a strong attachment to any other house we’ve lived in but that one will always be my grandma’s house in my mind#i just love and miss her so much she was the most amazing grandma i ever could have asked for#my mom still has a lot of her childhood friends on facebook and whenever she would post pictures of me and my sisters as kids#everyone would comment that i looked exactly like my grandma did when she was a kid and that makes me so so happy#anyway. idk. i just miss her sm she was an angel and i’m so happy she was such a big part of my childhood#lj.txt
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the thing about declinism is it’s hard not to buy into it when it feels like everything is declining!!!!!
#sophie's diary#was looking at flats where i live earlier#if you wanted to buy a two bedroom flat let’s say#and it was £350k#even if you had a £150k deposit (which i don’t)#the monthly mortgage payments would be £1300#£1300!#so let’s say that the price stayed the same over the next few years (unlikely#and i managed to save £1500 a month by living at home and living frugally#(and also let’s say my salary stays the same in this time)#it would take me EIGHT years to move out#to somewhere that doesn’t even have a garden#I’d be 35!!!!!!#& ideally my salary will increase… but FUCK#it just shouldn’t be this way#i shouldn’t have to either live at home or pay £1200 to a landlord#that’s how much a 1 bed flat costs where i live per month#minimum £1200#i shouldn’t have to have flatmates in my late 20s if I don’t want them#sorry i’ve really gone off here#and i’m trying not to be miserable but it does feel like this country is sucking the joy out of me but by bit
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