#I have drawn worse than that... much worse
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Chapter Twenty-One: Friend Or Foe, Part II
Gates Of Hell
Word Count: 4.1k
Warnings: amnesia, needles, guns, death, guilt
[A/N: since the last chapter showed what steve was up to, i figured we should find out what was happening to mini hopper over here... *hint* it's not fun]
Friend Or Foe, Part II
“Which is why I’m sorry.”
You push him, the faceless boy, into a void. There are so many noises echoing across concrete walls, a splintering boulder bashing against the door, your only exit.
At first, you just stand there, staring as the open wall closes itself, a cry of your name thrown from the other side. And then you hear snarls, growls, monsters. You run.
But there is nowhere to run.
You’re caged in a corner, creatures drawn from the shadows, covering your face as you prepare for the end.
“WAKE UP”
You wake up with a gasp, twisting the soft cushion below you and immediately open your mouth to call for- Your breath stops in your throat. Who were you calling for?
Leaning on your elbow, you take a look around the furnished room. You fell asleep on the couch again. How many times was this now? At least eight, you think. You aren’t entirely sure how many days you’ve been down here.
You send a quick glance to the new pile of clothes waiting on the armchair opposite, a soft frown pinching your eyebrows. You still didn’t know where Brenner got them from. He left a different assortment every so often. You tried not to think about if they came from a deserted store, or somewhere much more morbid.
As you walk past, you grab a grey sweatshirt and pull it over, staring down at the sleeves.
You’ve worn something like this before. A hoodie of some kind. You remember it brought you comfort. You remember… it wasn’t yours.
A frustrated sigh echoes the room as you drag your hands down your face. Once again, you couldn’t locate the boy your brain so itched to find.
Brenner was helping you with your memories. Every day, you would do some mind exercises, incredibly mundane but so so important to you. At the end of each session, you’d take your medication and try to continue what he was teaching. You didn’t want to be stuck in this bunker forever, but how were you meant to leave when you couldn’t even find the door?
Besides, Brenner treated you with kindness. There were worse places to be in an apocalypse.
You take a deep breath, nodding to yourself. Today would be the day. You were going to remember.
The door creaked a familiar welcome when you leave the room, staring down the hall. You wonder if you have enough time to go exploring again.
A consequential part of the bunker you couldn’t wrap your head around was the lack of time. There wasn’t a single clock on the walls you so often wander around. Brenner always seemed to know exactly when everything should happen, however. Your tests, sleeping schedules, appropriate times to eat. And yet, you’ve never managed to catch him with a watch on his wrist.
You find the central part of the building, staring up at it with awe, as you did every single time. Here, there were separate floors for separate doors, all circling you as you stand in the middle. This section of the bunker made it seem much bigger than you had assumed it to be. In fact, the label bunker didn’t seem to match the grand scale of it. Although, you weren’t sure what else to call it now. A base, perhaps.
None of the doors here opened, windows blacked out with paint. Whether they were like that before or after Brenner moved in, somebody didn’t want you seeing inside those rooms. You were curious about them, as anyone else would be, but they weren’t a priority for you; finding the missing pieces of your memories were.
You’ve had several flashes of your forgotten past flash into your mind at random points over the past few days, but none gave you enough information to decipher what you were seeing. Just yesterday you had been staring down the same hallway you were now stood facing, imagining the lights flickering wildly with a panicked thrum of your heart beating against your chest.
You wondered when you would give up trying. It was silly, really, to constantly be wondering that when Brenner always told you positive thinking would better the results. You couldn’t help it. You supposed part of you must have always been expecting the worst outcome. You didn’t even remember who you really were. Did you really want to remember?
...Were you worth remembering?
Do the people who you left behind want you to remember-
“Why do you do that? Act like you aren’t someone important, when you most definitely are.”
You blink, footsteps frozen. It had just been a whisper in your mind, a calming voice. You’d been hearing it a lot lately, mostly in your dreams, sometimes when you’re overthinking like this. He was still faceless, whoever it was ushering sweet words of emotional relief. If you could just see him, the boy in your dreams, you’re sure you’d finally find that missing piece.
“We should rethink this.”
You stop again, head turning to the hallway with a confused expression. That voice most certainly wasn’t in your head. And it didn’t belong to anyone you knew, either.
“Calm down, this is what we’ve wanted since we started this whole thing.”
Brenner’s voice drifted down the hall this time. Without another thought, your feet are guiding you to the murmurs of conversation, curiosity proving it had you rather than reversed.
The speech between two men was louder when you reach the door at the end of the hall, concealing yourself around the corner and peering into the room.
From the gap in the door, you could make out a face you hadn’t see before. He seemed to be similar in age to Brenner, sporting a long white lab coat. His right hand was fiddling with the pen between his fingers, a nervous trait if you ever saw one. He was a little shorter than the man stood in front of him, his face twisted into some sort of conflicted emotion. From the discussion you were overhearing, it was clear he was in the opposition.
“Can it not wait longer?” He persisted, taking a step forward. “We can find another way. I just need time-”
“We’re out of time.” Brenner interrupts, placing a hand on his shoulder. “It’ll be alright, my friend. Think of all the things we can…”
His voice trails off, retracting his hand and straightening his back. You can’t see his expression from where you’re stood, but the man he was with seemed confused by it.
“Y/n.” Brenner suddenly turns around with a smile. Your stomach drops in shame. You obviously weren’t as inconspicuous as you hoped. “Please, come in.”
You take a few tentative steps into the room, observing the machines with various enticing buttons. There was a giant window at the back, replacing the wall. Except, you couldn’t see out of it. A giant shutter was rolled down, stopped just before completely covering the space and leaving a slither of light at the bottom. You frown at the sight. A giant window. In a control room…
“Okay.” A girl breathes out, slotting the key into a metal door. “We lock the door anytime we leave, just in case. We take shifts so some of us end up sleeping between. Don’t wanna be blind-sided.”
“It’s a good idea.” You say and she smiles.
“This way.” She announces as she swings open the door.
It was like stepping into a sci-fi movie. Lab equipment everywhere, some now lifeless machines, a large glass window overlooking rows of metal staircases, cages.
And a giant gate to hell staring back at you.
“This is Dr. Owens.” Brenner interjects the swirling memories, stepping forward. You peel your eyes away from the shutters and finally acknowledge the men standing in front of you. “I have brought him here to help with your memories. He’s very skilled in this area.”
Owens was happily nodding, but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. You think you’re pretty good at reading people, consequence of the years you would sit and observe on the outside of many conversations. This man looked… sad, in some way.
“It is a pleasure to meet you. I hope my sudden appearance isn’t alarming in any way.” He offers a hand and you shake it, feeling the slight tremor in his grip. Something felt wrong.
“Well, shall we begin today’s session?” Brenner claps his hands and Owens retrieves his, nodding and walking out of the room.
You watched as he turned right towards the centre of the base rather than left to the room you’ve been conducting these sessions for weeks.
Brenner notices your confusion and places a hand on your shoulder. “We’re moving to a different room this time. Nothing to be worried about, I assure you. We just need some better equipment for this.”
He barely gives you time to think, the hand on your back guiding you out the door before you can even remember the window at the back of the room, holding a secret the universe didn’t want you to find.
“Before we begin today’s session, I’ve been meaning to take blood samples from you.” Brenner announces as you sit in an uncomfortable chair, the metal entirely different from the plush sofa you usually rest on.
“Blood samples?” You question, and Brenner smiles that same smile he’s shown you since your coma. When you think a little harder about his kindness now, did his show of comfort feel… forced?
“Are you sure she’s ready for that now?” Owens surprises you with his interjection, stepping into view beside you. “Maybe you should give her a little more time with the medication, I’d hate to-”
“Why don’t we ask her how she feels about it?” Brenner suggests, leaning forward to meet your eyes. “We don’t have to do this today. It’s simply to help us monitor if there’s perhaps something a little more medical than amnesia happening.”
More medical than amnesia? You think to yourself, glancing over at the tray of needles. This contrasted the last sessions dramatically. Every nerve in you screamed ‘no’, to refuse their help. But that crippling fear seemed to outweigh it; what if you never remembered?
Maybe this was one of those risks you have to take for the better.
“It’s okay.” You nod, turning to the man beside you. “I’m willing to do whatever.”
You assure the new doctor you’re alright, but his eyes were racked with an emotion you’ve witnessed and felt numerous times. Guilt.
It sends a shock of a memory: holding someone’s hand, tears running down your face, a hospital bed you didn’t occupy. Your sister. Sara. How your heart ached with her absence. How guilty you felt when you assumed your father would replace her. The girl was so sweet, she didn’t deserve your hostility. The girl. Who was she?
Who was she?
A number.
9?
10?
1-
“We must start.” Brenner interrupts, and the memory is fading.
“Wait!” You stand from your seat and Owens pauses with the needle in his hand, waiting. Brenner wasn’t so patient.
“Did you change your mind?” He questions, tilting his head. He had barely moved from his seat, even in recognition to your outburst.
“No, no, I-” You glance between them, scrunching your face. “I remembered something. My sister. I have a sister.”
Brenner seems to be personally interested this time, not a usual trait he displayed. He shifts to sit a little straighter, attempting to fashion it out by placing down his clipboard and nodding.
“What about her do you remember? Anything important?”
“I…” And your voice trails away with the image of a young girl, disappearing. Your next words came out a little defeated, shoulders slumping. “I don’t know.”
“Hm.” Brenner leans back, crossing his legs. “Let’s continue, then.”
You practically deflate back into the chair, staring down at the ground with an unwavering sense of helplessness.
“No.”
Both of your heads whip to where Owens was placing the needle back on the table and shaking his head.
“She’s not ready. We’ll do it tomorrow, let her prepare herself.” He aims his declaration to the man sat in front of you, eyes holding more warning than you had expected.
“But it’s just a blood test.” You say, leaning forward. Neither of them reply. “Right?”
“Perhaps Dr Owens is right.” Brenner eventually says, standing from his chair and peeling his eyes from his colleague. He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a familiar phial, the rattling noise echoing in the uncomfortable silence. “We’ll continue this later. Just take your medication for now. Dr Owens and I will confer on what’s next.”
You realise your voice wasn’t to be heard here and allow him to shake out two pills, clutching them in your hand. You held them tightly even as you left the room, weaving back through the hallways to the comforting hue of a furnished room.
Your feet took you to the water bottle on the desk by the door, instinctively raising the pills to your mouth, just like you did after every session. But this time, something makes you pause.
My sister.
You try to focus on the image of your sister, almost forcing yourself to place her features piece by piece. She was the same age Sara would have been. Oh god… Sara. How could you have let yourself forget about her? How did you let yourself forget about anything?
Hopper will be so disappointed when you find him. He taught you better. Whatever caused this amnesia was probably the result of your own stupidity. If he was in your position, he would have left this place already, regardless of memory or not. You knew he would.
So why were you still here?
Maybe you were just afraid there was no one waiting for you on the surface, dead or alive.
The little white pills were long forgotten, discarded on the desk as you trudge your way over to the couch, sinking into it like your forlorn attitude. Your eyes close with the last slip of a tear. Of all the things to forget, why couldn’t it be how awful you felt?
You didn’t realise you had drifted to sleep until the sound of the door shutting echoed through the room. You turn your head to find Owens is stood there, running a hand down his face and clutching a notebook.
“Hello?” You prompt, sitting up.
He turns to you in surprise, your unexpected presence sending a mix of emotions onto his face.
“My apologies.” He says, walking back over to the door. “I didn’t realise you were sleeping.”
“No, it’s okay.” You say, smiling. “I’m not meant to be sleeping in here anyway.”
Rather than respond, he stands awkwardly in front of the door, eyes shifting between his notebook and feet as he decides between staying and leaving. Even though you didn’t know this man, you could tell something was weighing on him, as it was you also.
“Can I ask you a question?”
His eyes dart up in surprise but he nods, clearing his throat “Of course.”
“Why are you here?”
The question lingers, his hardened expression softening into contemplation. It was almost as if he wasn’t certain of his presence here either.
“May I sit?” He asks after a little while and you smile timidly, shuffling further down the couch to make room. When he finally sinks into the cushions, he adapts a more comfortable posture, tilting his head in your direction. “I’m here because Dr Brenner asked me to be.”
“I assume you’re friends?” You ask, fiddling with the sleeves of your hoodie. A nervous habit.
“We’ve known eachother a long time.” He responds, eyes never fully meeting yours. It seemed he was dodging the truthful answer, whatever that may be. “We worked in a lab together a while ago, trying to make a difference. But before we could really do anything, I… I left.”
“Why?”
“My wife.” Owens smiles this time, a fond memory playfully tugging at his lips. He twists the silver ring on his left hand, “She was the most supportive person I knew. She was the reason I really started all of this. High school sweethearts, if you can believe it. We were going to change the world. But she got sick. Cancer. She fought for such a long time… after that, I didn’t have the energy to continue my work.”
“I get it.” You say after some contemplation. He frowns, eyeing you with curiosity. “My sister…”
His eyebrows raise, a stillness to his exterior. You pretended not to notice, pulling back at the sleeves of your hoodie.
“Grief is a very powerful thing.” He says, sighing. “Especially when you believe you have the power to save them. I just… I never had the resources.”
You nod along to his words, an unexpected similarity between you and this man you’ve never met. Just remembering Sara’s face was all your heart needed to start aching. No one really understood that before. Other than Hopper. You never gave him a chance to connect with you over her death. You suppose he didn’t, either.
After a moment, a groan leaves Owens’ mouth and he runs his hands down his face, looking up at the ceiling.
“I wanted to help people.” He admits quietly. “God, it was all I ever wanted. I was ready to find new ways to better the lives of everyone around us, to find cures, to- to discover endless possibilities of the human mind…”
“Did you?”
“In a way.” He sighs, looking at you. ���Just not the way I wanted.”
You watch his smile fade into sadness, his eyes drifting to the ground.
“Are you okay?” You ask, shifting to face him on the couch.
“I am.” He states, closing his eyes. “But you aren’t.”
You frown, tilting your head. “What?”
“Brenner isn’t who you think he is.” Owens says solemnly, scared eyes burning fear into yours. “He isn’t trying to help you.”
“I- I don’t understand.”
“You didn’t take the pills, did you?” He glances over at the little white capsules collecting metaphorical dust on the desk. “And now you’re already starting to remember your life.”
Your eyes widen at his implication, turning your head in horror at the ‘medication’ meant to be fixing you.
“Antipsychotics.” Owens answers before you can even ask, tightening his lips. “They’re designed to lessen the effects of extreme psychosis but only in smaller doses. The pills Brenner has administered to you are… they are more than anyone should take, especially those with amnesia. They aren’t curing you, Y/n. They’re making your memory worse.”
“Why would he do that?” You shake your head, unsure who to trust. But this man in front of you had more emotions than Brenner has displayed to you in the past two weeks.
Trust no-one, your dad would say, only trust yourself.
But how could you do that when you quite literally couldn’t remember who you are?
Owens tries to answer when he suddenly looks up at the door, panicked.
“Hide.” He says, gently tugging your arm and ushering you off the sofa and towards the closet.
“Here?” You question, but you make no effort to stop him guiding you over to it.
“Behind here is a vent system. I cut out a panel of the closet so you should be able to access it. It’ll lead you to the other side of the lab- bunker. You need to get through it quickly and pretend like none of this happened. It’s not an escape, but it’ll make it look like you were never in this room, you hear me?”
“What? Why?” You stumble into the wooden structure, turning to catch his arm before he could close the door. There were so many questions you needed to ask, but there would never be enough time to have them answered. “What’s going to happen?”
“Look, kid.” He says almost sadly, a small smile on his lips. “He isn’t who you think he is. I need you to act like everything is okay. Don’t take the pills, radio your friends- I’ve heard them on one of the frequencies before. But, most importantly, don’t let him catch you.”
“Don’t let him catch me.” You repeat, but it wasn’t a question. Don’t let him catch me. “What about you?”
“Don’t worry about me. Protect yourself, protect your friends. You’ll need eachother if you ever want to stop it.”
“Stop what?”
A rushed echo of footsteps can be heard from the other side of the door, pulling away Owens’ attention. Your heart sank. It was too late.
“Room 237. He needs you.” He whispers, grabbing the closet door before you can object. “Now, go. Don’t look back.”
Owens carefully shuts it and plunges you into darkness, only a slither of light peeking between the cupboard doors. You turn around to see exactly what he had described, crouching to carefully remove the cover. It barely made a sound and you sigh in relief just as a louder noise filled the room.
Brenner swung the door open and closed in one swift motion, stepping onto the carpet where he found Owens sat at the couch, skimming through a notebook.
You place a hand inside the vent, testing its structure. Rock solid.
“Did you tell her?” Brenner questions and despite every instruction you were given, you paused.
“Tell her what?” Owens responds with a casual tone. But even you could hear the slight incline in his voice behind the wooden doors, a tell-tale sign he was hiding something.
“Where is she?”
“She hasn’t been here. I’ve been sat here for a while waiting.” He shrugs. “She’s probably wandering about again.”
“Hm.”
Silence. You wince. You couldn’t make an escape if you didn’t have the tone of their voices to distract it.
“I heard the transmissions.” Brenner states lowly. “I know what you’ve done, Sam.”
“I don’t know what you’re-”
“Don’t lie to me!” He suddenly roars, making you flinch. You haven’t ever seen him like this. You weren’t even aware he was capable of it.
“Fine!” Owens yells back, standing from the couch and throwing his notebook onto the cushions. “Fine. I sent out a call for help. She doesn’t deserve to be locked up in here, Martin. None of us do. You’re going too far.”
“Too far? This could be our only saviour.”
“No. It’ll be your saviour.” Owens raises his chin.“You’re the only one that needs this. Let the girl go. I won’t ever speak of this again. I’ll be out of your hair.”
Brenner sighs. He stares at his friend for a moment, something dark lurking behind his eyes.
“You’ve been a good friend to me all these years.” He smiles. It was unsettling this time. Almost like it didn’t belong to him. “I do hope you understand.”
Owens frowns, lips parting to inquire his cryptic words. The question never hit the air.
Brenner pulls out a gun from behind his back and shoots Owens directly in the chest.
Your hands fly to your mouth in a quick motion, suppressing an urge to scream out. You watch Brenner through that tiny little gap, tears pooling in your eyes as the man looks down at his former friend with nothing but disgust.
“We could have changed the world, Sam.” He says as his final farewell.
A twitch of Owens’ hand on the carpet catches your attention. You can just hear the choked gasp of breath leave his mouth in response.
It doesn’t return.
Brenner swiftly pockets his gun again and fishes out a key in his shirt. Without a second glance, he leaves the room, the click of a lock echoing back through.
All you could hear was your thundering heart beat against your eardrums, arms tight around your legs. Brenner just killed him. He killed him. And if he knew what you had just witnessed, he would surely kill you too.
You take another look at Owens’ body, shuddering at the thought of dying the same fate. You shouldn’t leave him like that. What if he was still alive?
Don’t look back, he had said with the last remaining urgency in his soul. He told you to leave. So that’s what you had to do, even if every cell in your body was screeching for you to sit here in a puddle of your tears and wait until someone came to save you. You knew even if you gave in to your fear, no one would come.
So, instead, plant your shaking hands on the cool metal of the vent and climb your way through, choking back the sobs scratching at your throat.
Chapter Twenty-Two: coming soon...
taglist:
@sheisjoeschateau . @kthomps914 . @curled-hair-red-lips . @nix-rose .
@palmtreesx3 . @kryztalglear . @sattlersquarry . @hey-barnes-stole-a-jeep . @sadslasher13 .
@iliveonteaandbooks . @innercreationflower . @newyorkangelbaby . @totally-bogus-timelady . @pansexualhoor .
@kitdjarin1 . @chiliwhore . @carolineesnell .
#stranger things x reader#stranger things#fanfic#steve harrington#steve harrington x reader#stranger things reader insert#stranger things fanfiction#gates of hell#apocalypse au#steve x reader#steve harrington fic
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new superthings oc for my au!!!
I wanted to make a good villain that would both fit in-universe, but also feel like something new and interesting — and dangerous.
these were my initial ideas. I went in with absolutely no idea of what she would be like, except for that I wanted her to be a girl, and for her design to be surprising in the context of the au. my sister suggested a fur scarf and I thought that was perfect.
these were my next thoughts. I wasn't sure how I would make a living fur scarf, let alone one that had an air of deviousness and malevolence.
upon talking with my friend and my sister about it, we thought that the head-in-mouth approach was best. we also wanted her to have a sort of wine aunt vibe lol.
the one on the right is the one I went with in the end! I thought the more evil look for the fur head made more sense for her, and the mask looked better with a more angular shape.
so, I give you... Conadger!
I realise that my handwriting sucks, so I'll write out her bio here too:
she decided that the other villains weren't doing a good enough job and took matters into her own hands!
smart and sneaky, she perfectly plans her actions and executes with the utmost detail. with her meticulous planning and secretive nature, conadger makes for a formidable enemy.
both the heroes and the villains are her rivals. her plot to take over the heroes' HQ may have fallen flat, but the villains' hideout was a different story. now with a solid base to think out new schemes, will the heroes be able to hold fast — even with the support of the villains on their side?
(end)
I really like how she turned out and I'm excited to mark out how this au will go.
although, I've been told that some of my designs for characters are too scary... I personally don't see it, if I'm honest. this au is supposed to be indulgently edgy and over-the-top, so some of the designs will be a bit unsettling compared to... well... compared to canon. in which the characters look like This.
I might tone a bit of it down though. I may be one of the only fans of superthings on tumblr, but I do have some standards when it comes to my fanmade stuff. low, low standards, but I swear they're there. probably.
anyway! thanks for reading this long-as-all-hell post.
here's the blank version of conadger for all your colouring needs!
#superthings#superzings#art#character design#fanart#au#oc#oc art#sorry for scaring you with badnilla mixacartoon :(#I wanted him to have a bit more of a motive for beating conadger#my sister said it was cool so I didn't think it was that bad lol#I have drawn worse than that... much worse#it's just my first instinct when it comes to design#make it cool and slightly creepy yknow? give it that little extra edge#just enough to unsettle you a little bit but not so much that it's hard to look at#oh great now I'm rambling in tags#Superthings Mutual Enemy Au
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Assisting Acquaintance Acquired.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wen ning#wei wuxian#Ignore how Wen Ning's hair looks here because I messed it up. Let's pretend he just sported a different hair style for a brief moment.#I am not exactly great at consistency but I am trying very hard to work on that (immediately messes up again).#Absolutely *love* how Wen Ning clearly remembers and admires WWX...who does *not* recognize him.#This is the best day for Wen Ning and it means *nothing* to WWX. A painful one-sided crush made worse.#It is bittersweet to realize that we care about someone more than they care about us. Sometime we pour love into a relationship-#-with someone who just can't reciprocate. It isn't always a conscious things either. Some people just aren't aware we care.#And painfully - so painfully - You can't make them aware. No act of kindness or gift or self sacrifice will make someone care about you.#You can martyr yourself for someone and they will continue on unchanged.#I think a lot about the parallels between WN and LWJ. Not foils - just reflections. A theme repeated.#People who give so much of themselves to someone who doesn't have the capacity to give any part of themself away.#I will die on the hill of 'Wen Ning would be the love triangle romance if that trope wasn't being avoided'.#And to be honest - thank the stars above that is the case. I do not know any good love triangles in media.#We are skipping some of the sad Jiang Cheng content because I really want to finish season 2 before May.#Sorry JC emo moment lovers...I'll deliver another time.
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assorted old and somewhat unfinished oc art (except the second one thats recent)
#my art#art#trans#my ocs#ocs#trigger#gummy#i guess#i dont likw the name gabe caus ei kinda just threw it in for backstory points but theres no real reason#ill pick a diff name#and sunbeam doesnt even have an actual name yet im caught between sophie & sabrina but i cant keep sunbeam name#crazy to me how these guys started out i should post the first gummy art#it feels weird drawing them being nicento eachothwr. like how in animes characters will hate eachother so much but the official art isnthem#like kissing or something#i gotta practice art and get some story shit together that i can actually show ppl#i feel like i somehow draw worse than i did alpng the process of making em#the blue one wit trigger is my magnum opus of arms ive never drawn a single good arm atter that#i didnt even draw for like months after that bc notjijgn was good enough#ive been eating like a 16th century merchant lately#breads and rice with meat & soup#i had some really good apple and pear slices today i cut & spiralized like 10 apples#ok i dont really have anything else to say
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I can’t believe this is how I’m gonna fucking get back to drawing Kuroshitsuji I hate everything
#twisted wonderland#twst#kuroshitsuji#ciel phantomhive#yuu#twst mc#drawings#i havent drawn or touched kuro since my fucking weeb years; n even then i didnt draw them that much#but sOOOMMEEEBODY fucking dragged me back in this hell n im somehow even deeper in this abyss than i was back then idefk how#i swear to fuck jsut if its yana sensei its hard to draw no matter wat#i have a few ideas of kuro n twst parallels n i hate this so much djkfsd#also there orig was some rough shadows but then i couldnt save n had to restart the program resulting in losing some bit of progress#n then i couldnt be fucked to redraw those shadows no matter how rought they were i lost the motivation dfjsdkk#omg the color diff between my laptop n pc holy fuck it looks even worse on my laptop fksdk wtf are my color settings omg fjsk
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I love art ! I’m not lying !
#cw heavy vent here#so feel free to ignore ! i have no one else to tell!#So upset because art has been *such* a struggle but I’ve finally started enjoying it again#and i was genuinely loving how my art looks#and then *one* person told me my art has gotten worse and it ‘looks better this way’#and now everything I’ve managed to make seems like a waste and the worst thing ive ever drawn#even though i know its not true and i still love my art so much and i love creating#but the fact stands that now i cant look at my art without telling myself that ive *apparently* only gotten worse#people really stripping the last thing that makes me happy away from me and they dont even realize#the thought of my own hobbies that ive enjoyed my entire life makes me feel worse than before#now what’s left?#but its fine. whatever.#cw vent
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my real favourite character is Nidhogg, I’m only obsessed with Estinien bc he’s a hangers-on /jokes
#saint.txt#spoilers#major spoilers#no but for real dravanian lore is SO horrific if you actually look into it#and the depths Nidhogg dove to in his crusade and the level of harm he inflicted on his own children in service to it#in a lot of ways makes him worse than the Vault.#Nidhogg dies agonizingly without any real closure and scared of the end bc he has nothing left to go on for.#he *has* to die because nobody can move on for as long as he lives and that’s a huge tragedy. despite everything he’s still a member#of a dwindling First Brood (half of which have died and were tortured at the hands of men). he’s still a father. a son. an uncle. a brother#his fanily still loves him even as they have to raise the blade over his neck. either him or Ishgard dies.#he isn’t a villain just evil for the sake of it he has real motives and one of the deepest wells of love out of any character in the game.#and killing him doesn’t even really fix anything. all of Ishgard’s problems are still there bc Nidhogg was not the cause.#sure it gives Ishgard a space to start fixing those problems but…that’s not really saying much.#idk most MMOs pretty blindly just say you killed the big bad!! everything’s cool now!! and it’s really poignant that HW didn’t#you killed a grieving brother who was never able to move on. he found no closure in death. and in the process you made a lot of things#in Ishgard exponentially worse than they already were. his death isn’t a victory.#it’s a long and awful and drawn out tragedy of a man who shouldn’t have had to die.#he did a lot of awful things. but he was still family to a lot of people.#and he was a good person once. lots of his friends and family remember who he was before the grief tore him apart.#and you can’t write Nidhogg or Estinien without considering the other bc they’re the same person in almost every way.#enjoy my propoganda Nidhogg will be your favourite character too if I have anything to say abt it
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the epic highs and lows of trying to read an ongoing shounen manga
#for me it uh. tends to have more epic lows than epic highs. im very unlucky with shounen#occasionally a few years after something i start reading it'll turn out to be good#but any time i follow something from the beginning it starts getting. worse#is it me? am i doing this? dont tell me to read your favourite shounen i'll turn it bad#did i ever mention that one manga. the moon is beautiful but first die#a mouthful of a title. it started kinda goofy but i really adored the main character for some reason#im still a bit attached to him. he cleans so well that he got the magic power to see real good. and now he can matrix bullet time#hes just like me for reeeeeeeaaaal hflkanjvdkfljfds but yeah that manga was. weird but fun BUT THEN#it got so wack you guys you dont understand. the first like one or two volumes? fun#everything else? god knows JHKFDJFDK i still read it all tho. i was invested in my guy with seeing real good powers#and im sorry to say. unfortunately it seems. a certain manga with a big tv adaptation that is pronounced oh she no co#my curse. its started. although that ones very much a epic high and epic low situation like itll be so so wack one minute#and suddenly get good again and then plummet back down HFKJDSBHJds we will see how it goes on#i started getting annoyed with the writing after the stageplay arc because they kept like. time skipping over so much#which i thought was a bit of a waste because there was a lot of interesting potential in a lot of the showbiz storylines. but we shall see#thats not shounen tho thats seinen but my curse applies to some seinen too LOL but most seinen i read is already finished#and shoujosei is spared from my curse. i think just because most i have the opportunity to read in english just tends to not#be drawn out or have weird scheduling things messing with the pacing. are there any weekly shoujosei magazines out there#i dont think weekly manga is good. for a lot of reasons mostly the mangakas health but also i find more weekly stuff i read#that isnt like. 4koma stuff suffers in its pacing a LOT. but again that might be my curse. the second i lay my eyes on it. the curse#(sorry ive been catching up on a lot of manga recently LOL ur getting my manga thoughts now)
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thank you for the long & thought out response. while i do fully agree with you on stances like prison abolition & the myth of the stranger pedophile scapegoat, my question and discomfort with jimmy’s actions comes not so much from a political/philosophical standpoint but from a very human emphatic one. i put myself in the shoes of the girl he groomed and abused and imagine people listening to and enjoying the music of my abuser and it makes me sick to my stomach. so thats more where my guilt and discomfort comes from. that said i can’t say that their music doesn’t have an impact or isn’t enjoyable. i also agree with you that this mass outrage and very public renunciation and demand for punishment is very much a social mechanism and automatic reaction that quite simplifies a complex situation. however these mechanisms exist for a certain evolutionary purpose after all (sorry my background is psychology) but thats sort of besides the point because im also not a fan of how these things get handled with zero nuance.
its also true what you said that me or you or anyone deciding to disengage with this band or their music changes nothing in the grand scheme of things, so doing it as some sort of Noble Cause against abuse is useless. so in this case i feel it’s up to personal preference and whether or not i can swallow the cognitive dissonance and discomfort this information arises in me whenever i listen to their music from now on.
thanks again for the insightful response, i’m glad we can have this sort of discussion because i also think this topic is extremely important but people often shy away from it because it’s so heavy.
im glad you asked me to share! like i said ive spent a lot of time thinking abt this specifically so its very much like years worth of mishmash thoughts kinda strung together only by me experiencing them over time in succession lol. but i agree its important to talk about it especially within a culture so ensnared in the logic of the prison and particularly how effectively thats been exported into like 'mob justice' for lack of a better word.
re: the emotive aspect im not sure i have much to say other than like Yeah its a very strong one and i dont think its a bad thing at all to have. i got the impression from ur ask--and idk how true this is--that you were wrestling between a desire to return to the music bc you enjoyed it and that response preventing you and feeling a sort of obligation to do one over the other n struggling with that. so i think i approached it as like 'heres ways you can reason w that emotional response and grapple w it if its smth ur agonizing over' or something like that. im also a firm believer in the ways politics shapes the ways we think n feel so my instinct was to tease out some of the structures that may be shaping ur thought processes--which of course i nor anyone but you can fully know. but i dont get that same sense from how u describe it here and either way i think whatever feeling ur having about it is like...i dont want to say its 'valid' but ur allowed to have that and do whatever you want pretty much lol. i cant and am not going to force anyone to engage w the band and theres probably more reasons than i could think to list why its not for everyone even without the sordidness of abuse hanging over it.
without getting into a much much broader discussion i would gently push back on the idea of a biologically innate reason for the existence of carceral/punitive logics (and frankly psychology more broadly), if only bc it does a lot of the work of justifying them. keep in mind that these are concepts ideas and patterns of thought that exist because they serve systems of power and particularly the state. we did not have to have a society which created them, we only happen to--which is to say theyre not innate in this way and i disagree that they have an 'evolutionary' purpose bc it fails to properly historicize them. but thats me coming from an antipsych position lol
#asks#frankly for me its like....sometimes we do feel that emotional reaction n sometimes we dont#and im interested in where the difference is or where the line is drawn#some things are considered 'too big to fail' theres plenty of other much more influential musicians that have equal or worse allegations#but nowhere near the same response#and part of this is just 'size' its much more effective to do this to a smaller artist n a smaller community than like potential millions#of say michael jackson fans right. so part of this for me is yeah why does jimmy urine make ppl feel so strongly#and again part of it is 'size' msi is smaller its like 'cult classic' music for lack of a better word and its obviously evidently queer#so u can weaponize that extant fear of queer ppl and within the queer community of people fearing us#thats not to like diagnose that as something going on w u just that like....the emotional response itself is politically complicated#is what im going for here#so sorry i gave u a bunch a lot of stuff that may not have had anything to do with how ur feeling . i was thinking about other shit#im glad u appreciated though lol!
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me: yeag well I slept for 11 hours I'm gonna draw all day today <3
my whole body: you absolutely will not lmaoooo. sleep some more <3
#personal#tomorrow i s2g. after napping half the day and barely being awake the second half I Better have enough energy to sit up#tbf it's not bc of /actual/ tiredness so much as it is because of ✨✨✨endometriosis✨✨✨#I get super pale and weak and it's like. I feel so sick lol. I have to limit what I can do bc it feels like moderate blood loss fr#legit feels worse than when I have to get like 8-12 vials of blood drawn for blood tests KFJHDSJKF#tomorrow I'm gonna. idk. take an iron pill or Something and spend the day drawing to take back my life skdjfhsdf
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Thank you. I'm sorry.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#jin guangyao#lan wangij#jin ling#LWJ shifting into fight mode was so damn cool. He is always ready to start throwing hands.#It's in a way that befits someone with a bit more bloodlust that his calm demeanor lets on - but nearly always in defense of someone.#What a great synergy with his personal philosophies! see that he is a Genuinely Noble Guy time and time again!#Is is also way more hilarious and unhinged than most people give him credit for? Also yes.#Nothing and no one ever said he did not or would not rip off JGY's hat mid-fight. I think LWJ needs to snatch more wigs LITERALLY.#Yes I'm delaying the part where I have to address the emotional turmoil of Jin Ling stabbing wwx. It gutted me terribly.#What is worse that realizing that someone you respected has done horrible things#than discovering someone who did horrible things being a kind and trustworthy person?#What is more horrifying that realizing other people are extremely complex and cannot be categorized into black and white?#When people hurt us or our loved ones we very much want to make them out to be irredeemable monsters. But they are not.#It is not actually such a terrible fate to just be a person. To be forgiven and forgive is possible. To change is possible.#This lesson is hard. It is something you have to actively challenge yourself to do. Black and white is the innate path to go down.#And its *why* I love Jin Ling so much. He is the character who fights the longest and hardest to challenge social and personal beliefs#He gets a pass for stabbing wwx for being so deliciously conflicted and tormented by it.#And with wrists THAT limp I can't imagine the wound was particularly deep
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i’m sorry but if they wanted me to seriously root for any other lorelai love interest, tney shouldn’t have invented max medina
#trying to keep this out of the main tags#bc i have shit to say but don’t want an argument#anyway i loved max. just watched cinnamon’s wake#and the way his eyes lit up when lorelai mentioned there was an emergency#‘rory? is rory okay?’ PLEASE#i genuinely might not have a single bad thing to say about max#other than: well. okay. dating a student’s parent and making out with her in a classrooms more specifically probably notb the wisest move#but i’ll give it a pass#and like: i think the actor and lauren graham have great chemistry#which…. and i may be one of the few people in the world who feels this way.#i Don’t like her chemistry with luke i’m sorryyyy#i’m normally reticent to believe cast rumors but the one about the actors not getting along?#i believe it almost exclusively because i think it bleeds really heavily into the luke lorelai dynamic#i know some of it is supposed to be like. the tennis match back and forth verbal sparring dynamic people enjoy#and it isn’t always a dynamic i’m super drawn to but i can appreciate it#but i so often don’t buy that they LIKE each other#and it feels like i always feel that Worse once they get together#whereas i appreciate the found family unit thing they have going on with rory in the earlier seasons#that is much closer to being strictly platonic and i oddly enough believe in their friendship more there.#anti javajunkie#jic#like ship what you want i’m just. simultaneously uncompelled and often frustrated by them
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Do u think Theon has a gambling addiction
#Asking my fandom of two people here ^^; Can’t wait for communities so we can have forum discussions on my head children~#just pav things#I was studying the psychology of gambling today. Watched a documentary on the losses to pokie machines in australia#Apparently the dopamine receptors are most active when you are playing and only marginally increase when you win#So you know Theon. who is actively trying to relieve his emotional pain and is bored of life#would be drawn to the addictive nature of gambling and just… playing the game#in his mind he knows he always has his intuition powers as a safety net to recuperate losses#which only makes the allure of playing properly greater :)#So he keeps getting that rush of morphine-like ‘happiness’ in him that motivates him to keep going#and he’s a child. you can imagine the engrossment.#It’s not about earning to live it’s about living to earn. that’s all he can see himself doing anyway#Anyways I think this is an interesting minor alteration for several reasons#It makes the parallels to Inigo stronger for one!!!!!!#Similarly Inigo also abuses addictive substances illegally (cigarettes~)#But the difference is drawn in that while Theon is entrapped in a predatory system that ultimately couldn’t care less about him#Inigo is very much leaning into his own self-destruction. He knows what he’s doing and it’s the reason why he does it. It’s self-harm.#Somehow getting cancer is more appealing than knife wounds but y’know it’s in the spirit of Inigo to overcomplicate things#especially considering. he has a pocket knife. the easy option is RIGHT there. you all can munch on that for a bit.#And the second point is the shameeeeeee#That’s what his spiriter form is built off of :3#You KNOW he carries around so much shame for his lifestyle once he gets assimilated into Archie’s squad#Comparing himself to Luna and Ewan who are just two kids trying their best and don’t know any better when they mess up#And Theon holding himself to the standard that he SHOULD know better because hey he’s older and more mature#And so on the numerous occasions Ewan questions and assails Theon’s behaviour (and there are many)#He only feels WORSE until his feelings reach that point of no return :)#Shame :)
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My boss told me today he wants me to draw his daughter and he'll pay me and im like Wow I'd rather do anything else maybe even kill myself
#meow.txt#sorry but my art is not that good#i dont draw for peoppe i draw for fun and regularly have crises abt how much i suck at art#you do NOT want me to draw for you#i dont do portraits or realism or anything like that!!!!#and im worse at physical art than digital#im just gonna. make him look at some things ive drawn if he brings it up again#as much as im scared of showing people in real life my art i have to so it will deter him#bc i dont think he really wants ME to draw HIS DAUGHTER#shes 18 btw#im just gonna kms
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courting antisemitism
so i recently decided to take a look at the latest stonetoss comics (probably because i love suffering). and while i was expecting some content on the israel palestine conflict, what i did not expect was how... standard it seemed. well, most of it at least, but i'll get to that in a second.
for context, if you don't know what stonetoss is, it's a (poorly drawn) webcomic known for having radical alt-right views - meaning it's incredibly racist, homophobic, transphobic, islamophobic, antisemitic. all that fun stuff.
so while i was expecting to see bad stuff, one of the first things i saw on the topic of israel was this:
terrible art aside, this comic is making a point that i usually see in left wing circles: that israel is pinkwashing genocide.
curious if there was more like this, i kept looking, and the comic right before that one was this:
again, this makes points that i usually see in left wing circles. that american healthcare is crazy expensive, that canada tells poor people to commit suicide, and that israel is bombing hospitals.
why does stonetoss, this well known alt-right nutjob, now seem to be bringing up left-wing talking points?
curious, i kept going deeper:
well this is... odd. clearly, stonetoss is trying to say that israel is on another level of bad, even worse than russia, iran, and north korea. i can possibly see someone on the left making the argument that the russian invasion of ukraine isn't as bad as what israel is doing in gaza, or that at least north korea isn't invading any other countries, but... iran??? the country that has a police force designed to enforce religious law, and gets away with murdering women who do not properly cover their hair? the country that props up paramilitary groups in countries all over the middle east, including lebanon, yemen, and yes, palestine?? that's completely ridiculous
but, given how much more israel is in the news nowadays than any of these other countries, i could see why someone would buy this
and now, we're starting to get to the crux of what stonetoss is trying to do. when someone sees this, they might be inclined to agree with it. they might begin to think that israel is the worst country on the planet
and that might not seem so bad at first. but the more you hate israel, especially irrationally, the more you feel allowed to dehumanize those who support it. the more you might be willing to agree with this comic, which came out two days prior to the one above
this comic says that jews, as a whole have no desire to exist with other people. it is blatantly antisemitic
i'm sure you could imagine some young leftist who sees the comics above this one and thinks, "this guy makes some good points". and then, when they get to this one, they might realize that this is antisemitism
or, they may not.
and that would start them down the road to becoming an antisemite.
this is what stonetoss and other alt-right nutjobs are hoping to achieve. to take left wing fury at israel, and direct it at jews.
we saw it with those neo-nazis at the palestine rally, and we're seeing it again here.
and if you've found yourself agreeing with what stonetoss has said so far, i would like you to see the last comic stonetoss put out before october 7th:
this horrifically racist comic is in reference to an environmental activist who was murdered by a black man in early october. this blatantly racist garbage is the kind of stuff stonetoss usually puts out.
but as soon as october 7th happened? these were his next two comics:
stonetoss completely changed the comic's tone as soon as the current crisis started. why?
to get as many people as possible to get on board with hating jews.
and i know many of you might be thinking that "well, everyone knows that stonetoss is racist garbage. nobody is going to fall for this"
except, as we saw with the neo-nazis at the rally for palestine, it's not always that obvious who the antisemites are and who is just rallying for peace. they are often a lot better at disguising it than stonetoss is.
AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE AWARE OF THAT
EVERYONE, no matter HOW much experience you have, can fall victim to propoganda. EVERYONE needs to be aware of what people around them are saying, and able to pick out hateful rhetoric, because even the stuff that is just kind of toeing the line of what's hateful is still putting your foot in the door
be cautious, everyone. and stomp out hate where you see it.
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“ A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME ”
pairing: satoru gojo x reader
summary: you come home after a long day of work unable to find the person you call home anywhere — until you reach the bedroom.
warnings: 18+ suggestive, fluff, comfort, some angst, implications of the shinjuku showdown arc, implied gojo is no longer a sorcerer, gojo is your househusband, taking a bath together, taking care of him, copium really, satoru being a silly man
w/c: 1,184
“I’m home!”
You call into your home, the clatter of your keys and shoes as you shedded the things that chained you to the outside to submerge yourself in your oasis and into his arms. But as you got no reply, you stepped into your living room, scanning over the kitchen, to find no one.
Now where was your home?
“Satoru?” you called, heart skipping a slight beat, he was always waiting for you when you got home, usually on the couch or maybe in the kitchen the clank of the knife as he chopped away. Or even the many times that he was waiting by the door to only ambush you with kisses. But this time, nothing.
You rounded the corner to the hallway and peeked into your bedroom to find him asleep. You crept closer, careful not to wake him, and yup, he was fast asleep. His pretty snow white lashes resting against his cheeks, his chest slowly rising and falling as the soft sounds of his breaths parted his lovely lips.
You could watch him sleep for hours. You knew he never did enough of it before, and you’d argue he still didn’t do enough of it now. He always said he was fine sleeping 6 hours since it was twice as much as he usually got — and now he was working at home, so he could be ease.
But even so, you know he needed more.
As if he senses your thought, he stirs, starry blue eyes finding yours as he flutters sleep from his gaze, “sweetheart?” He’s murmuring, voice still beautifully raspy from sleep, “when did you get home?” He’s shifting to get up, but you use gentle hands to ease him back, “I haven’t started on dinner yet, sweets—“
“I got it, Toru,” you’re running your fingers through his hair, “just rest, baby,” and a protest is already on his lips, “let me guess what you did today — cleaned the house from roof to floor, stocked us on groceries, cooked lunch for me for the week, and probably a million other things,” you lean down to press a kiss to his forehead, “I think I can handle dinner for one night at least,”
He’s pouting now, “but you just got home from work, Princess, what kind of househusband would I be—“ and you can’t help but laugh, he loved his self appointed title of househusband, especially since it was one he had chosen for himself, and he took any opportunity — even now to call himself that.
“I think even the absolute best househusbands need a break, and should listen to their wives, since I’m the one you want to pamper so much,” and his lips party in protest, but you’re leaning down to kiss them and his pout away, “let me take care of you, Toru,”
He’s sighing, as he leans up to press his forehead to yours, “and does your offer include a bath, sweetheart?”
~~~
“Y’know sometimes I feel guilty,” and you pause in your massage of his head, fingers tangled in his hair, suds from the bath you’d drawn for him covering both of your bodies as he leans against you in your tub, back pressed flush to yours.
“Guilty about what?” you ask, holding your tongue on the million reasons why he shouldn’t.
“For so long, I was the strongest,” he gives a small chuckle, “and it was fun, sometimes. But it was mostly lonely,” he leans back to look up at you, a small grin on his lips, “except when I was with you,” your lips curl, “and now I get to be with you, and I get to stay home — and the worst thing I have to do are the dishes,” and you snort.
“I told you I’d do them if you hate them so much,”
But he’s shaking his head, “Sometimes I think trying to deal with our cast iron is worse than fighting Sukuna—“ and you roll your eyes, “but there’s always this urgency that I have to be doing more. Telling me to keep going, moving, fighting—“
“You’ve done enough, Toru, more than enough,” your fingers cup his cheek, “too much, honestly. It’s okay to rest now. You’ve done your part—“
“But—“
“Didn’t you or someone say jujutsu is like a marathon, a baton pass?” Your fingers run through his white locks, before you shift yourself to sit in his lap instead, “the marathon is over, racers have packed up and gone home, and the finish line has been crossed,” your fingers rest on the back of his neck, tracing his undercut, “and that’s because of you and all you did to fight and raise up the next generation,” you say softly, and he’s pressing his head to your forehead.
“Is it okay for me to rest now?” and you’re pulling him into your arms, hoping your touch conveys what your words can’t.
“Yes, it is, Satoru,” you’re pressing soft kisses to his neck, “you don’t need to be the strongest. You’re Satoru Gojo, and that’s all I want,” and he leans back, “you’re all I want,”
“Is that a proposal?” And you snort.
“We’re already married, weirdo—“ and his lips find yours, as they always did, his arms around your bare waist, as the water shifted and splashed, but you could barely feel anything except his lips against yours and the circle of his thumb against the small of your back.
He finally pulls away, a genuine smile on his lips, “And you married this weirdo,” and you chuckle, tracing his jaw with your finger, “you’re stuck with me for life,”
“Promise?” And he’s kissing you again in an instant, stealing your breath like he did the first time you met him all those years ago at jujutsu tech. And you knew you’d never love anyone else — not like him.
“Promise.”
Bonus:
Satoru’s arms wrap around you from behind as the two of you towel off after your bath, “what are we having for dinner?”
“Well someone insisted on me being in here with him, so I had to order out,” and he’s grinning, as he nuzzles your neck.
“Whoopsie, hehe,” and he’s humming, as he tugs your hips against his, the friction drawing a gasp from your lips, “can we have dessert first?”
“It is dessert. We’re having ice cream for dinner—“ and he’s kissing you again, but this time it’s languid and messy — all tongue and teeth, until he’s pulling away with a smirk at your breathless face.
“I want something sweeter, wife,” and you smile.
“Think you can finish before the delivery gets here?” And he’s already picking you up with ease in his arms, pinned under him in a moment, as his ocean blues flash with mischief from between your thighs.
“I can, but I don’t know if you’ll be done by then.” He says cheekily, as you only sigh.
If there was one thing that would always be true is that you would always be weak to Satoru Gojo — but not his abilities, but who he is.
Your husband.
“Let’s see, hm?”
a/n: I’m real upset about the leaks and this is my coping. I needed this.
taglist: @staryukis, @cloverlilies, @asgoodasdead666, @strawmariee, @chuuyasboots, @forest-fruits-jam, @catsgomurp, @rat-loves, @hanlay, @risuola, @spider-fan72, @sunamatic, @difficultdomains
#sab [mlist]#satoru gojo x reader#satoru gojo fanfiction#gojo satoru smut#jjk x reader#jjk fanfiction#jjk smut#gojo x reader#gojo fanfiction#satoru gojo x you#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen fanfiction#jjk fluff#jujutsu kaisen fluff
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