#I have been Having A Time health-wise since like the last week of April

[verdantglow]

Me two hours ago: I should go take a shower.

Also me: [rediscovers my smalletho playlist on Spotify & listens to it in its 1hr52min entirety while backreading the smalletho tag on tumblr for the first time in months & having So Many Feelings about these idiots instead]

Anyway. Time to go actually shower.

While listening to my smalletho mall au fic playlist, of course.

[charlieslowartsies]

the reason why my August vacation is so important...

This is a long, kinda emotional for me journal <3

As I mentioned a while ago, I was splitting my usual two weeks in June of debauchery (sleeping & laying in the sun & hiking in the woods outback lol) into one week last month and then saved the last week for the end of August.

I also wanted to explain the significance of this trip! Less about having to justify my time off and more about 'eeee excite omg!' and wanted to share with y'all!

SO a long time ago when I was a wee Charlie, from age 0 up to 21, I was incredibly close to my grandparents on my mom's side. My nana died when I was 15, and while that took a huge toll on me, I was fortunate enough to have my grandpa till 21. These two people were absolutely second parents. My parents did a good enough job raising me, but they had huge fights and my father had anger issues and it caused a lot of wounds. These were the people I could always rely on, when I couldn't rely on my folks.

They lived 2 hours away on a wonderful lake in a lil tiny trailer over looking it. I spent weeks at a time there, even the occasional month. I learned to swim in that lake, which in hindsight prolly wasn't the safest idea due to its depth, and grew up to be obsessed with swimming. Learned how to sail, ski, fish. Learned how to bake, tend a garden, how a fresh bowl of fruit in the morning should be before breakfast.

We'd swim 3x a day, sometimes just to float and cool down before bed, since there was no a/c and the summer nights were hot. Laid on our backs and counted stars like the Lion King. Fried trout on the grill after we'd caught them, had watermelon seed spittin' contests. My grandpa grew pumpkins and carved my name into one, so that the writing grew bigger and bigger over the months. I had one pumpkin live from September to April.

My handprint is on the last cement step leading down to the beach. It was eroded when we scattered my grandpa's ashes in 2014, but I remember where it was, how to place my palm to compare.

I guess I'd say I had a mixed childhood of various great, good, bad, and horrible things. Like most people, yanno? But those golden summer days on the lake were 100% a part of who I am today, and where my many of my happiest memories come from.

Due to me being in college, cost to heat the place in winter when they had no intention of living there, my family sold the property on the lake to an investor who planned to rent it out.

This was 2014. The same year he died, the same year my horse died (within 2 months of each other) and one of my father's many health issues landed him in the hospital from Oct to Dec, so that he spent xmas on an iv stand. With everything going on, we had no time or money for a big dinner, or presents that year.

I guess that was the first year I realized childhood was truly and officially over, and it was time to grow up. Many of us have that marked moment on our life.

Time passed. I finished college, went back home after turning down a few out of state jobs to spend time with my dad, who I had a feeling didn't have much time left. Turned out I was right, as I came home in 2015 and he died in 2022. There was an accident in '16 where he almost bled to death on our kitchen floor, but I was able to provide pressure/medical care and give him some more years.

Shortly after we moved in 17, I was notified that the house on the lake had been rented to someone who unfortunately had a lot of issues mental health wise, and they had eventually abandoned the property. It sat, rotting, and got so covered on the inside in black mold the county leveled the place and destroyed it.

We had left it fully furnished due to the buyer's urging. Ancient, stunning mid century and older furniture from my great-great grandparents time. My nana's organ player. The rocker my mom and I sat in. And, frankly, to quote one of those popular songs, the house that built me was just gone.

I figured that was the end of it, and cried and got angry/sad and then moved on and just tried surviving as covid hit later on in the years.

Turns out, the man who rented it decided that wasn't going to happen again. He put a new trailer on the property, and rented it out for vacationing due to it's location. We didn't know this until I stumbled across it while daydreaming about a vacation on the lake that I missed it was a relative, one I could at least go back to for a few days. My heart skipped so many beats when I saw the address and paused, thinking there had to be come mistake. It wasn't.

Not only can I spend time on that property again (in a new house which honestly might be for the best) But turns out, for whatever reason, they kept the furniture separate and placed a few pieces into the new house. There's a photo of the rocker in the layout photos. The two level lamp they had is still intact and functioning. I booked the place for a week immediately.

It's expensive for me, but my girlfriend and I will make it work. (Certainly not like we have far to travel.) We're going to be there smack dab in the middle of my Grandfather's birthday. I haven't had a true, just-for-me vacation since 2015 when we went to a camping ground. The excitement I have for this is immeasurable.

The dock my Dad and Grandpa put in themselves is fixed up. The crumbled little cement step is still there with a tiny indent, where my 4 yr old hand was pressed. I am going back to this place, and going back in time for just a short while, to heal and have fun and be a whole mess of emotions. I never got to say good bye to my Nana or Grandpa.

But I can say goodbye to them now, and say 'hello again, old friend' to the lake, and the new little house that sits before it.

That is why i am so excited about august. I know I don't share personal things on here a ton, but I wanted to share this. Thank you for reading this far if you have, I appreciate it.

I hope you have a wonderful day and remember how important you are <3 And as always stay hydrated! -Charlie

[forgottenluck]

This is....extremely hard for me to write. It's not going to be a happy post. I'll put the meat of it under a readmore, since there's....a lot to explain.

This morning, (Wednesday April 3rd) at 6:15am, My mother left us.

I knew that this was coming, sooner than later. The past few weeks have been hard.

She had no quality of life. She couldn't get up in bed, she definitely couldn't walk. She'd been bed-bound for 6 months. There's been close calls before too....when she's had UTIs and covid. The last time she got a UTI I....really thought I was going to loose her. She looked so bad, couldn't stay awake for more than a few moments...

It was nothing like this.

I went to visit her on Thursday of last week, before my convention. She wasn't great, but she was still responding to me, still eating if i helped her. She didn't eat much....but it was something. I figured it was another one of her dips. She's always been on a roller coaster, health wise. She'd have good moments, she'd have bad. It was always a toss up on a given day that she'd be good or bad.

She never recovered from this one.

And my Aunt, who took over careing for her and handling her affairs so that I could escape from that, did not tell me until Sunday evening. Though at that point, it was just "she's not doing great" type of deal. Monday was the same.

Then Tuesday came. I was feeling good, ready to get back to work after my little vacation. I was chipper, happy.....Only to get a message from my aunt saying that Hospice had called her, to tell her that the end was extremely close.

I dropped everything and ran up to the Nursing Home to see for myself, since there'd been plenty of times where the alarm had been sounded but she actually wasn't that bad.

But she was.

She was not awake at all. They hadn't given her anything, but she wouldn't wake up. She was so tiny and skinny from not eating, palid and grey....it's indescribable unless you've been through it yourself. I knew at that moment that she wasn't going to last long. I stayed with her for hours until the weather forced me to get home. She was still drinking water....to an extent. It had to be on little sponges that she would suck on. But she was running a fever that never left, her oxygen level had tanked to the point where they put her on oxygen.

But the clencher was the rattle. I knew what that was. I'd heard it before.

Hospice said since she was still drinking water, she likely would live through the night.....and she did. Just barely.

I'm glad I got to see her one last time. To tell her that it was okay. That i'd be okay. Eventually. Even if she couldn't hear me. I think she was waiting for me to come, since it was only about half a day later that she passed on.

Close friends of mine will know that while I might have complained a lot, had a lot of issues with my mother......I loved her dearly. I was super close with her even if it was a massive strain on me. I was her main caretaker for 15 years. I sacrificed my youth, my teenage years, my college years....so that I could make sure she was okay, was alive, was healthy. She was my world for so long.

And now my world is very broken.

A part of me is glad. Glad that she's not suffering anymore. Glad she went in her sleep. She's not in pain anymore. She doesn't have to sit and lay in that tiny little room with people she doesn't know. She doesn't have to worry about what pills she has to take, or how they're going to get her changed. She doesn't have to worry about anything anymore.

But the rest of me is devastated. I no longer get to see her. I no longer get to hear her voice, or talk with her about her favorite shows. No more sitting with her and watching the news. No more lunches, dinners with her. Nothing. It's a big empty hole that can't be filled easily.

I feel like a bird that's been given freedom....only to have one of it's wings broken, rendering it unable to fly.

It's hard. Harder than anything one could imagine. Loosing family is not something to be wished upon to anyone. I've cried so much today that I just feel empty....and I still have to figure out funeral arrangements and the like.

I'm not...going to have a lot of energy for tumblr for a bit. I might respond to a few things, to attempt to get my mind off things....but it'll be very sparce for a while. I know i've been sparce for a bit....as my adhd has caused me to focus on other things....but this is a completely different animal to that.

I'll be back. I will. And I'll be here off and on. Just....give me a bit of time to heal.

[deep-dark-wisps]

I have always stated that once I was done having kids, I have a hysterectomy because of periods and the high risk of cancer! Seriously! I had have genetic screening in my late 20s.i was probably on 3 or 4 cancer scares. It was either the precancerous cells on my cervix or cysts in my breast that urged me to get tested at Mount Sensi for my cancer risk. I am a carried of that B1 gene or something.

After Kj, i want 1 more child...BUT, a hugh but. i was very sick during my pregnancy.. i was for 11 weeks with my first son, A. Post baby with an ob, thst totally miss the preclamsia because she want to wait for csection after she had vacation for a week. Believe i fought to ve hear and seen...it took another doctor to over ride her descision. She made it clear, that i should highly get a hysterectomy. Another pregnancy could very well kill me or the unborn child.. My nurse praticnor felt the same. Here I am 6 weeks post partum/ death hearing now my uterus gotta go! ( Due to medical factors, which of years talking with Np, that birth control wise, this best option)

September 22 to Feb, denied, denied! The reason.. Your 38 years old and childless... You still may want children.. My Np, was like WTF. In my refferal I gave sound medical reasoning for such surgery...In Feb, for some reason, I believe the urogolist request a update ulteasound on my pelvis...Even before I got talk to Np about my scan or the urologist, the radiogology ask for a follow up in April.

The found a "cystc" formjng on left ovary, my uterus was congested and possible bump too. Was it left over from csection? My lining was thicker then normal since Kj birth.. Ok so they concern.. My Np..could wait till April for my next ultrasound, I am booked for March...

My uterus now has a bigger mass, cloudy, there growths that looks like the ones burn off my cervix 8 ish year prior. Those were precancerous.. The cystc on my ovary grow that may not be a cystc..

Um ok, I am scare... Np now very concern.. I been to m ER i n pain that rock your core.April I have 3 rd ultrasound in 3 months.. They "cystcs" are not really cystc like because they wven bigger!

It reach the point to be honeest, that I am throwing up every day, my bladder not holding well from the weight of my ovary and uterus. There is torsion and my uterus already tilted.. I was already having bladder issues from bad gentics.. So, urologist stated a bladder sling is vital for my health.. He want that sling put in same time as hysterectomy because, I have be open for both and recovery time same thing.Yes, some Gyneos that that.

I am 9 month into quest to have my surgery, I am in serve pain and cannot afford my cannibis that only thing controlling the pain. I am deem emegency. I been denied like 5 times, here in Barrie. I cannot trust the one in Barrie who he do consult due to wont listen to my bestie and blotched her surgeries not 1 but 2x. She need a new doc who can exactly do the surgergy properly..I cannot trust the one in Alliston.. Where next?

Well, that surgeon will not being doing my surgery.. Went to Alliston today. It took 10 mins of my time, to find out she won't be listening to me as patient and concerns.. It will be her agenda, her way and despite 5 doctors/ nurse praticnors stating I need the surgery, and the following things...It her way.I cannot trust her to lay on a table stressing she can complete the surgery complexities, even if she did the surgery.

She felt surgery was not best option, I did not need the biospy,and despite my medical history, a iud was the answer..Um no,that option explore for last 10 years.. and cannot even be consideration.

3 strikes happen rapidly in this appointment....she could not repair the bladder, not her area, she just a plain gyneo..At this point, fine I just have be open again but the way my uterus twisting and pulling my bladder down, it should be taken care of immediatly. 2nd strike, she said looking at your history, you need a Iud. My just dropped. I clearly stated, No, not option be explore hence I am here.. The subject should been closed.. No she march on with her slew of words of great a Iud and me saying No, no, no! I am not dven discussing further. So, with both us puff up, she states I wont be doing a biospy because it not needed. I just glare, she like fine... I do it, if makes you feel better...That was broken my camel back.. I like thank you, but we done. I got up and walk out.

My so called avocate fawn, and sat glue to their seat. Then reliaze, I seriously left..They said I act like child back there.. I like I brought you to fight with me not against me..Needless say, they not invite back to my doctor battles. Thy turn in a wall flower, beliving in the false fallocy of doctors are right, patients are stupid therefore, we should comply. I was not being a child to b clear.. i spoke calmly, held my position, and when, I was not being heard, I simply left.

People stop being sheep to the medical system.. Wake the fuck up.. You allow to say No, you can fired your doctor if not happy. If they did injustice to you, pin their ass to provial wall of accountabilty!

Mic drop..

Abz

[rootsrockweirdo]

The September issue of Honky Tonk Times is available now at thehonkytonktimes.com. This month I interviewed Mario Carboni and Norm Hamlet, who served as Merle Haggard's bandleader and steel guitar player for over 49 years. These interviews are a dream come true!

Carboni, Hamlet carry on Bakersfield tradition of music and kindness

Mario Carboni might be the nicest guy you’ve never met. From the start of our half-hour-long interview, Carboni exhibits the personality traits not of a traveling musician but of a man who genuinely concerns himself with the happiness of those around him. The 35-year-old piano and trumpet player extraordinaire is driving across Alaska in a van purchased specifically for runs in The Last Frontier. A mix-up has caused him and his lone bandmate to miss their hour-long set at the state’s largest festival. Instead of dogging the head of the event, Carboni simply says: “They’re busy. They have so many acts in there it’s understandable.” It’s not the reaction I expected, but as our conversation continues, it becomes clear that perhaps his heroes have not only influenced his music but his attitude toward life as well. A native of Oregon, Carboni’s lifelong affair with music began at 9 months old when he started playing the piano (yes, you read that correctly). By the age of 10, he added the trumpet to his repertoire. “I started out playing ragtime and improvising,” he says. “I ended up playing the trumpet in various school bands, then figured out how to play the two of them together when I was about 20. I ended up going from there, starting to play shows – I did a year of college, and it was not at all what I wanted to do – so I went over to Bakersfield and started meeting folks I considered to be my heroes and met Red Simpson in 2015.” One of the originators of “truck driving country,” Simpson rose to popularity as both a recording artist and songwriter in the mid-1960s, scoring hits such as “Roll, Truck, Roll” and “Hello, I’m A Truck.” The Bakersfield native remained a permanent fixture in the area's music scene, coming to the aid of many aspiring musicians until his death in January 2016. “Red was always helping younger folks and kids,” Carboni says. “He’d record a record with somebody in their little home studio, mention them in a radio interview or tour with them. He toured with me; he didn’t have to do that. The two of us recorded two records together; they were the last two records he ever recorded.” Following Simpson’s death, Carboni received an invitation to play at Buck Owens’ Crystal Palace, where a chance meeting with Norm Hamlet would change the trajectory of his career, forming an unlikely duo billed as “The Rebel and The Stranger.” As a member of Merle Haggard’s Strangers, Hamlet served as bandleader and steel guitar player for nearly 50 years, playing on more than 30 No. 1 hits and performing in some of the most recognizable concert venues in the U.S. Upon Haggard’s death in April 2016 and despite his age at the time, Hamlet too found himself wondering what would come next. “We were both hired to play in a band at Buck Owens’ Crystal Palace, and we started talking that night,” Carboni recalls. “I asked him if I could have his number and eventually called him up and told him I’d like to shoot a video of the two of us playing three songs; I’d pick my three favorite songs that he’d recorded on. We filmed this series of videos and put them out. I think there was one of ‘No Reason To Quit,’ another of ‘The Roots of My Raising,’ and it was really special to me because he’d played on the original hit with Merle in the ‘70s. I told him I could never afford to pay him what it was worth, and he was very nice to do that for me. “We put them out on social media and turned around a week later, and they’d hit 600,000 views each or something like that. I called him up and said, ‘Hey, this is significant. We should start a project.’ We started talking a little more about it, touring a little bit more and more dates started coming our way. It seems like the more stuff that we do, the more stuff people want to hire us for, and it just snowballed from there to the point where we’re touring the country.” For 86-year-old Hamlet, whose career began nearly seven decades ago and whose resume also includes working with Rose Maddox, The Farmer Boys, and once as part of a band opening for Hank Williams, the decision to return to the road

seemed like the natural course. “Mario had such a charisma about him,” Hamlet said. “When he played music, everybody loved his singing and playing, and I thought the same thing. It had been a long time since I’d seen a piano player that plays as good as he does, so I thought, ‘Well, I might still try to go out there and play a few things.’ This turned into a good job. At my age, I didn’t know how long I’d be able to go out and do it. As long as I can do it health-wise, we’ll keep going out there.” In addition to their busy tour schedule, the two recently completed their debut album, "Hello Heartache," a collection of 10 songs recorded aboard Carboni's tour bus, affectionately dubbed "Ol' Red," on the streets of Bakersfield. Of the 10 songs, eight were written by Carboni and Hamlet. “Most of the songs are upbeat in the Bakersfield sound, traditional style, with a slight twist of the piano being the rhythm and bass instrument instead of a traditional instrumentation,” Carboni explains. “. . . The album also features dobro played by Norm on one track called ‘Miss the Mississippi and You.’ We brought the instrument out of the museum in Nashville to record the album. The last time it was on a recording session was in 1969 on Merle Haggard’s ‘Same Train Different Time’ album.” For now, the album is only available at the pair's live performances, which Carboni says features a mix of songs made famous by some of Bakersfield's heavy hitters, including Haggard, Buck Owens, and Simpson. "They call it a second career when somebody does what Norm's doing, I guess," Carboni says. "He helps me out by playing with me; we help each other out. I get to be his rhythm section, and he lends his incredible reputation to what we're doing, and that's a really special thing, that's important." The pair has several dates scheduled for September. To view their complete schedule, visit www.honkytonkrebel.com. As for the aforementioned festival performance, Carboni and Hamlet were given a time slot for the following day, proving once and for all that nice guys don't always finish last. At least not the ones from Bakersfield.

[acquariusgb]

The Clinton Tapes extracts of Bill as a father

Since tomorrow is Father’s Day in the US, here are some cute extracts from the book the Clinton Tapes by Taylor Branch about Bill being a wonderful father to Chelsea.  

-  Chelsea stopped by, neat as a pin, talking about an exam on Spanish verbs. She said good night and a preliminary goodbye for his long trip. When she was gone, Clinton said former president Bush had been encouraging him to spend more time at Camp David. Bush was hearing of low morale in its vast, attentive support staff, which remained isolated and idle because the Clintons almost never visited. The president said that while he appreciated such concerns, he saw few opportunities to change soon. Chelsea was fourteen years old. The last thing she wished for was a weekend at Camp David, which to her was the middle of nowhere. She stayed home, and her parents wanted to be apart from her as little as possible. So Camp David must wait. May 1994

- When Chelsea stopped by, the president tried to set a time to play cards, or just to talk. He said he had not seen her for a while, but she excused herself to get up early. Clinton looked a bit forlorn, telling me she had a summer job at the National Institutes of Health. July 1994

- Chelsea came in fretting about homework. In an exercise to hone succinct composition, she was writing an essay of no more than one page on the best and worst qualities in the legendary character Dr. Frankenstein, with illustrative passages from the Mary Shelley novel. Chelsea said her draft spilled stubbornly onto a second page, which was unacceptable, and she expressed doubt about her choice of quotations. The president paused to give counsel, and I left the recorders on as he read most of her essay out loud. He liked its cited images of Frankenstein’s passion for learning, enthralled in his lab, cheeks sallow with intense discovery, but he thought Chelsea was slightly ambiguous about whether his best quality was curiosity or ambition. On the negative side, where she wisely pinpointed an overbearing pride as the chief fault, he said she might find shorter, more precise quotes. We both complimented her language about the progressive blindness of Frankenstein’s zeal. Instead of creating life, Chelsea concluded, the mad doctor faced a “monster who had become his bane.” She went off to make revisions, and Clinton promised to consult her again before saying good night. May 1995

-   A festering wound could damage sensitive U.S.-Japanese relations for years, Gore warned. Clinton must visit Japan quickly to make amends. Just today, the president told me, he and Gore had tramped back and forth over a crowded calendar. December was out because of nightly Christmas parties, and so on, until Clinton circled dates next April. Horrified, Gore said that would be months too late, especially since the White House was announcing a peace trip to Europe for next week. Why not substitute Japan for Northern Ireland? Alternatively, Gore zeroed in on three lightly committed January days, but the president pronounced them vital to Chelsea’s schoolwork. Gore blinked. So what? He stared through Clinton’s halting explanation why this would be a bad time—because Hillary must join him in Japan, and junior-year midterms are the most pressure-packed events in all of high school. Mutual exasperation spiked. “Al,” Clinton told him, “I am not going to Japan and leave Chelsea by herself to take these exams.” Gore erupted. He thought Clinton had lost his bearings. They had a big fight, said the president, and were still wrangling about dates for Japan. November 1995

- During this preview of the campaign, Chelsea popped in the doorway to say she was sorry she may have disturbed us. She had been singing to herself in the hall, and did not realize we were here. Before he could reply, she vanished, and while I was rewinding the tapes shortly afterward, the president rummaged around the big Ulysses Grant desk. A decade ago, when she was about six, he said Chelsea had skipped into a ceremony at the governor’s office with a briefcase, which he was obliged to open in front of everyone. He showed me a photograph of little Chelsea doubled over in laughter as Clinton squeamishly displayed a boa constrictor inside. His daughter was cheerful and courteous, he said, but she was mischievous, too. May 1996

-  His voice surprised me again on Sunday, July 7. He had just finished testifying by videotape for one of the Whitewater criminal trials, in which Ken Starr’s deputy prosecutors were trying to tar him with far-fetched charges against Arkansas bankers. The president was tired, and really needed to spend time with Chelsea. So we must cancel our session tonight. He vowed to catch up soon. Of course, I replied. His staff always handled such logistics, but for some reason he delivered this notice himself. July 1996

-   Clinton told stories about Chelsea on our way down the hall. He and Hillary had just returned from her ballet recital. “She’s not an ideal body for a ballerina,” he reflected. “Far from it.” Chelsea was bigger than most of the other girls, who were flat-chested and tiny. She had big bones. Her feet had bled after practice ever since she was a little girl. Nevertheless, she pursued ballet above other arts or sports for which she was more naturally suited. “I’ve always admired that,” he said. “I’ve wondered whether I could ever stick with something for its own sake.” He was inclined to obsess about competitive standing and talent, he said, whereas Chelsea, though smartly aware of her limits, loved everything about ballet including the hard work. August 1996

-  Then he lingered on Chelsea’s seventeenth birthday. Because Hillary had been late to dinner at Washington’s Bombay Club, Clinton found himself the delighted sole host to a dozen high school girls in raucous discussions of love and the world. [...] The president glided into stories wholly off my list. Chelsea’s Sidwell Friends School had welcomed seniors to make two-minute spontaneous remarks at a gathering of fathers. On a theme of candid revelation, one girl told the assembly why she and her dad communicated by letter in the same house. Chelsea almost knocked Clinton over, he said, with raw eloquence cutting through the inhibitions of youth and the public eye. She confessed setting her heart all year on tryouts for a part in The Nutcracker, which she did not get. Life’s first major disappointment, as she called it, left her depressed and sleepless, consumed by failure. She could think of nothing but wasted sacrifice. Both parents talked with her late many nights, but she was inconsolable until she woke up fitfully to a letter only an hour old, headed “3am” on her father’s White House stationery. It said he could not sleep, either, being upset because she was upset. He loved her, was proud of her, and believed one day she would find new value in her years of ballet. Somehow these words dispelled a cloud of absorption, she told Sidwell. She still read the note every day. As for his work, she admired what he did in the face of so much invective, but it had not always been so. In preschool, she had cringed as the other children stood proudly to declare their parents’ jobs—doctor, fireman, teacher. Not even she had a clue about governor, and so Chelsea in turn said her mom was a lawyer and her dad cooked the French fries at McDonald’s. She became an instant hit, with by far the coolest dad, but of course the grownups made her promise not to tell lies. Apologizing later to the class, she thought her father just talked on the phone and made speeches, which got the kids briefly excited again because they thought she said he made peaches. February 1997

[ingek73]

‘Royal revolutionary’ Duchess Kate’s exploitation of a murder victim was a ‘triumph’

April 05, 2021

By Kaiser

sarah everard kate

This was on everyone’s timeline over the holiday weekend and it’s just the WORST. Like, offensively bad, rage-inducing, and defying all logic. The Times of London decided to proclaim the Duchess of Cambridge “the real royal revolutionary,” because don’t you get it, Meghan was and is a feminist, a businesswoman, a self-made woman and she was torn to shreds, so now Kate wants to assume Meghan’s energy and pretend that she’s just like that, only white and therefore better. First, look at the artwork which accompanied the piece:

Absolutely offensive to actual revolutionaries, socialists, activists, advocates and basically EVERYONE. The actual article takes it to a bold new level though, suggesting that Kate’s exploitation of a murder victim (Sarah Everard) combined with her blatant Single-White-Femaling of a Black woman somehow makes Kate good, smart, keen and perfect in a sugary, gross, white supremacist way. These piece was written by Tony Allen Mills, who clearly hates women and is doing heavy drugs.

Kate’s maskless appearance at Sarah Everard’s memorial: For a moment it seemed as though the Duchess of Cambridge might become embroiled in yet another messy, polarising ruckus about pampered royals suiting themselves at the expense of the rest of us. She turned up at an unlawful gathering at Clapham Common in the middle of lockdown! She wasn’t wearing a mask! Her protection team seemed strangely unaware that earlier that Saturday morning last month, a senior police officer had warned that the vigil in south London for Sarah Everard, 33, who was abducted and murdered as she walked home at night, might be “attractive for terrorists”.

Kate was still keen to exploit: Yet somehow, the duchess still showed up, casually dressed with minimal security, with a bouquet of flowers she had picked from her palace garden. Later it was reported that she had sent a private letter of condolence to the family of the murdered woman. Hang on a minute, are we talking about the right duchess? A feminist campaigner, showing solidarity with vulnerable women, with seeming disregard for police advice and lockdown regulations?

This still doesn’t make any sense: There was an embarrassing muddle at Scotland Yard last week as senior commanders offered conflicting accounts of whether Britain’s future queen had attended the vigil legally, and whether the police had known of her attendance in advance. It emerged from an independent report into policing of the event that the senior officer in charge of the operation learnt that the duchess had been present only from a television news report after she had left. Yet Dame Cressida Dick, the Metropolitan Police commissioner, told the BBC that “the Met did know [about the visit], absolutely”. Palace sources have described Kate’s visit as private, but Dick said she was there “in the course of her duties; she’s working”.

Exploiting a murder victim is great PR for Kate: What emerged most clearly from Kate’s modestly controversial outing was not another disaster for the House of Windsor. It has turned into something of a triumph. “I think she’s played a blinder,” says Jennie Bond, a former BBC royal correspondent and author of several books on the Windsors. Unlike some of her royal relatives, Kate, 39, has barely put a foot wrong in her public embrace of worthy causes over the past few years. “She’s widely admired now as a public figure,” says Bond, “and I think she’s demonstrating that she’s very much in touch with the mood of the country.”

Penny Junor on Kate’s exploitation of Everard: Junor describes Kate’s visit to the vigil as a “wonderful gesture”. What might have turned into a made-for-tabloid tempest instead became the story of a young woman who lived in London before marrying a prince, and may have remembered what it was like to have to walk home alone at night. After the manufactured theatrics of the Sussexes’ interview with Oprah Winfrey, Junor adds, “Kate was making a very subtle point. You don’t need to make a song and dance about things. She showed up at Clapham quietly with absolutely no fanfare. I just thought it spoke volumes.”

Kate is a free spirit, you guys: The burden of royal expectation has crushed many a free spirit. The closer Kate gets to becoming Queen, the more she may be expected to conform; to be careful with her words, to avoid spontaneous excursions in the middle of a health crisis. Can she really carry on being Kate, the increasingly daring duchess? Or must she prepare to be Catherine, our smiling but silent queen? “I think what William and Kate have demonstrated is that you can have a much greater impact if you go large on a smaller number of causes,” says Bond, who like many royal watchers believes Kate will stick to non-controversial issues such as child development and mental health. She’s naturally engaged and comes across as genuine because she is genuinely interested in the topics she has espoused,” Bond adds. “I think she’ll be wise enough to stick to issues quite specific to her personality and knowledge.”

[From The Times of London]

I don’t understand the transparent attempt to obfuscate the issue of Kate’s attendance at the Everard memorial, and how Kate tried to pretend it was a private visit, when everything about it (including the sugary, offensive PR) shows that Kate was working, that she showed up maskless to a murder victim’s memorial with her security, having alerted Sky News of her presence, and then leaving the rest of the mourners to be brutalized by cops. She then leaked the information about a letter she sent to the family, which is gross and invasive, especially since AGAIN, it was clear that this is just about “work” for her. The work of repairing her battered image of a Karen who fake-cries white woman tears and tries to copy Meghan and assume Meghan’s experiences and persona as her own. As I’ve been saying, there’s something really wrong going on with Kate psychologically. It’s not *just* stupidity and laziness. She’s actively being creepy. Kate’s communications team is actively putting all of this out there, that Kate’s exploitation of the tragic murder of a young woman was “something of a triumph.” It’s offensively tone-deaf.

[fmdjaein]

with the event coming to an end in about thirty minutes (i think... time is fake), take this as my first quarter plot call! mainly because i like being organized, i’ll have a rundown of what jaein and suji are up to below the cut. as always, feel free to hit me up first or simply like this post if you’d like to plot. if you’re lazy and tired like i am though, you can reply to this post with any word, song, phrase, emoji and i’ll try my best to get you a starter up! if i get stuck i may pop into your im’s to discuss possible ideas!

JAEIN

ultraviolet is going straight into american promotions from the beginning of the year and to say that jaein is not happy would be an understatement lol she feels like she’s being thrown into something that’s too overwhelming for her and this new market also means more on her plate

doesn’t help that she’ll be notified of a solo mini-album that’s set for march which means even more work for her even in the midst of filming. though she’s informed of the album pretty early on (very early january), it’ll feel rushed overall because of how little time she’ll actually have to focus on it

i can see her being kind of cranky and just super tired all through the quarter because she already struggles sleeping in places other than her own bed so touring? it’s gonna be a huge bitch to her and her health

she just wants to be in korea.... i can see her being homesick a lot and by home she means the uv dorms lol she just wants to sleep in her own bed for more than four hours :/ 

SUJI

on the contrary, suji’s schedules aren’t super packed this quarter. even though equinox as a whole is getting two vacation weeks in the beginning of january, she won’t have that time fully off because she’s still in the middle of filming hospital playlist. it’s not a huge role, but it still requires her to be in seoul most of the time so she’ll probably spend it at home

the may comeback song is in line with her style and i’ll most likely be sending in creative claims at one point (once i actually get to writing the form) so i can see her discussing the song if anybody asks! 

solo music wise: she has another song in the making that’s been drafted since the end of the last year that she’ll probably try to finish throughout the quarter. i mean, she has to because it’s slotted for an april release lol but the song is iu’s love poem so if anybody wants to hear her thoughts behind that?? that’s also definitely an option. she’s always up for discussing songwriting

other than that, she has a less exciting/busy quarter compared to jaein, but she’s not completely free either. it’ll be like any other quarter for her!

[kikifeliz]

THE WEEK AHEAD: April 26 - May 2, 2021

By Kiki Feliz

♑️♉️♍️ Capricorn, Taurus, Virgo

Seems like y’all are trying to put thought into action this week & the week upcoming, but you don’t have enough resources. Actually — you do have enough resources, you’re just unwilling to appropriate them properly (in this sense, appropriate means to assign a purpose to something).

The mental aspect is heaviest this week, followed by the active/spiritual. You’re thinking a lot, but not acting as much: this seems to be okay, since earth signs are all about staying grounded and doing what’s practical. Sometimes it is best to plan before acting (well, usually lol). I know that impulsive decisions are in the back of your mind, and you may be very excited to get moving on a project or endeavor, but if you fail to plan, you’ll be planning to fail! Don’t let a foolish act undo all the hard work you’ve done to get on track this year, earth signs!

Much like the fire signs, I see y’all also in a period of reflection and struggle (this may end up being the underlying astrological energy for everyone this week, idk). Your reflection, however, is more about your courage to act — I mentioned last week that y’all need to “let your freak flag fly,” but I can definitely tell you are scared to do this. Not that you are scared of what other people will think of you, I think you are scared that YOU don’t know who you really are.

Yes, you have goals, and you’re good at accomplishing them... but do you feel comfortable in your own skin, truly? Is the vision you have of yourself matching up with the plan that you’ve made to get there? Is the vision you have of yourself even the one you really, truly want?!? Stop boxing yourself in!!! Do what you want and be who you want to be.

You need to live more in the moment. Yes, planning for the future is important, but so is the present. None of us have any idea how much longer we will be on this earth. If you died today, could you say — at your core — that you lived the life you wanted?? Not about your job!! This is about your warmth, your love that you put out into the world, your friendships, and YES, your “look,” too!

As Kim Zolciak of RHOA once said, “I could die tomorrow. I’ll die wearing Dior.” Spoken like a woman who knows exactly what she wants to project out into this world — can you say the same? Obviously not specifically about Dior, but about how you would appear, how you present yourself to the world if everything were to slip away. What I’m getting is a need to refine your personal style, both inside and outside. But you don’t seem to know what it is that you want to show!!! Spend some time figuring this out, earth signs.

Mentally, you have to commit to your vision before it can become a reality. This is the secret to manifesting properly. I love quoting movies; yesterday, I rewatched “Dumplin’” on Netflix and a quote by one the drag queens is coming back to me now: “You have to see it in your heart first,” when it comes to changing the way you present yourself to the world. It’s all about confidence. If you want to show glamour, you must first see yourself as truly glamorous! If you want to show the world you’re a rockstar, you need to believe in your heart that you are. If you want to show the world competent professional, you need to believe in your heart that you are!! Whatever your heart believes is what it will radiate and what we radiate, we attract, okay?

There are sooo many cards here, but Spirit really wants me to focus on the Knight of Wands. As such, if you’re reading this, I urge you to either go look the Knight of Wands up on some tarot websites and see what other messages you get from this card, or you can meditate on the image of this card this week as a way to help you identify your particular brand of “freak.”

Someone going through a divorce or separation or who is recently widowed is getting back on their feet this week. I see this going well, but I also see you feeling stuck. Luckily, your community is there to hold you up! Don’t be afraid to try some new sex toys, especially if you are not ready for a new sex partner yet.

Romantically earth signs may be caught between 2 people right now. I see you fighting off both of them, though — keeping people at arm’s length. One of them is really aggressive and the other one may just be willing to walk away. It’s okay, neither of these people is right for you anyway — both are too immature.

If you’re in a committed relationship, all is well! Lines of communication are open, even if you guys are at odds sometimes. You may find yourself defending your point a little more often than you’d like to, and you may want to take some time to yourself, but overall I see you guys working diligently on the romance and the relationship overall. One person may have a wandering eye, but I don’t see them acting on it.

This week, I see you making a commitment to your body and your community! Are you trying to be more active (either socially or physically)? If so, I see this new journey coming to a bit of a standstill. You are open to the change, but you’re caught between 2 methods of proceeding. You seem to be on the inside looking out, rather than actually “in the mix."

This is an emotional test for you, and you’ll have to work very hard to get to that place you’ve been dreaming of with this goal. Even once you get there, you’ll have to continue working hard to maintain it. It looks like you’re on the brink of a lifestyle change in terms of your health and/or your friend groups.

If this is a fitness goal, I see some of you cheating with alcohol and other empty calories. I see you taking about 7 months to achieve your fitness goal if you continue in this manner, consuming empty calories etc. Rope work (jumping rope) and lifting weights will be very beneficial to you! You have to TRULY COMMIT to this! Yes, it night be boring for a while but a fitness journey usually is. Accept this, otherwise you’ll end up returning right back to where you started.

If this is a social goal, I see some of you walking away from a group of people who don’t really vibe with you and while it will be hard for you to make new friends, if you are patient, you will be successful! Unfortunately, I see some of you getting caught up by scammers, liars, and others who are there for a good time, not a long time before you find your real group. It may be best for you to take a hiatus from socializing at this time, and try again in about 7 months lol.

Accept that either way, you’re carrying dead weight (either socially or physically within the body) and that you can’t be scared. You’re gonna keep on carrying it until you willfully put it down, so why not put it down sooner rather than later? The world is waiting for you to make your moves, it’s almost like this time was made just for you to accomplish your goals and strengthen your intuition. Step out into this journey with confidence, and once you do that, I fully see you being successful and independent, strong and confident with a new sense of drive!

Some of you may be considering buying a new car. If so, I see that going well but it is a little ways away, time-wise. Do your research and I see you getting the car of your dreams at a great price!

Those of you dreaming of stardom and wealth... why are you allowing old pain to hold you back??? You are hoping for abundance and generational wealth but actually living with a lack mindset still. For some of you, dating brokies and/or stingy people (this could also be your parents who might be the broke or stingy ones) has affected your ability to attract wealth and also your ability to be generous. Generosity breeds abundance!

Donate something or help someone else financially in order to get your blessings going! I know you’ve been rejected a LOT, but it’s time to get back up and try again. Don’t let old pain and old wounds hold you back from your dreams! Once you let that empty ball drop, you will see things start to flow harmoniously in your life.

I see a message coming this this week. It seems like it might be some bad news (sorry 😫) but one defeat does not mean you have lost forever! You may have dropped the ball on something, and now you’re being put in time out. You need to reflect on some things & what you really want from this situation. I do see it all working out in the end, though.

Overall, earth signs, don’t let your insecurities get in the way! You don’t seem to have a very clear picture of who you are right now... but in reality, you truly are the bomb dot com. You’re a beautiful fighter, and you’re smart, too! Insecurity about your intelligence, appearance and/or social media presence is only going to hold you back, so do whatever needs to be done to get over this negative image you have of yourself! It’s NOT reality! A mirror work practice may be helpful to you, moving forward. Look in the mirror and give yourself compliments, say affirmations, etc. watch yourself glow and shine, you deserve it!

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X3

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I liked this episode, but nothing beats that Premiere. I mean Wow! This episode for me felt very much like a continuation of the two part Premiere. It was confirmed that Meredith has COVID-19 (!) and we got to see how she’s doing and where her treatment is at. My best friend who I watch with pointed out that some of the treatments they mention are things that health care workers were trying in the early days of the pandemic that we now know aren’t very effective. It’s interesting to see the doctors work through this process as it would have happened for health care workers at the time.

We get to see Derek Shepherd again which is always a treat! His words confirm that the beach Meredith is on is some kind of limbo and that her reaching Derek will mean she had died and is transitioning into the afterlife. Derek tells her she can’t reach him because she’s worried about the kids and how reuniting with him means leaving their children behind. My guess is that she’s going to code in an upcoming episode and will reunite and talk to Derek once that happens and then they’ll resuscitate her and she’ll come back to the land of the living.

I loved how Derek kept saying the sand wasn’t real and then Meredith ran to him and tripped and fell and she called him on it and he laughed. Classic Derek. He loves her, but he was also kind of an asshole at times and that was so him. I loved the scene with Bailey and Meredith and that we got an Alex reference. God I miss him. I got the Meredith and Richard scene I’ve been hoping for! That I felt like was missing last season and in the premiere. It was so sweet.

I think Meredith made the right choice with her Medical Power of Attorney (POA). Richard loves her enough to do everything to save her, but is clear headed and wise enough to respect her wishes if she becomes too far gone. I loved his joke about it being pay back for what he did years earlier. I loved the conversation she had with Hayes too! When Maggie asks if he wants her to say Hi he says no and jokes that he wouldn't her to think she’s special and we later see that Hayes does that so that he can visit Meredith in person and talk to her through video outside her window.

I had a moment where I thought that Meredith might make Hayes her POA, but then he made the comment about how you don’t want it to be a family member or someone who loves you so much that they’ll do anything to keep you alive. It should be someone who can be objective and respect your wishes. Hayes cares deeply for Meredith and if it were him he’d do everything to keep her alive no matter what and I love that implication from their conversation. I love how he told her all the reasons people fear and respect her and how the disease had nothing on her. So great! I love their interactions so much.

I liked that she asked him about Abigail because we’ve seen him ask her about Derek and her past relationships and it’s been implied they’ve talked about his, but this is the first instance we see on screen. Through this interaction we learn more about his wife too. He called her Abby and when she was sick with cancer her sister was her POA and made them do everything they could to save her even though Hayes and his boys objected. Which is interesting considering on her death bed Abigail described her sister as crazy, but not a bad person and made Hayes promise to let the boys see her. I’m guessing she didn’t want to put Hayes through having to make those decisions for her.

We also get to see Hayes and Maggie interact for the first time! We see that like Amelia, Maggie is a fan. She knows about his feelings for Meredith and their relationship and is supportive. Which is more than anyone else except Derek ever got from anyone in Meredith’s life so major points there. The interactions between Maggie and Winston we’re very sweet and I love how they comforted each other and the shot where they made it look like they were on opposite sides of the wall was very cool.

Some great acting on the part of Kelly McCreary in that closet scene! I felt her heartbreak. I’m disappointed we didn’t get more Meredith and Hayes scenes and that we haven’t gotten any explicit romantic content from them so far this season. I love a slow burn as much as the next person, but after watching Meredith jump feet first into relationships with men who turned out to be her boss, married, engaged to someone who wasn’t actually dead, her student, or that she wasn’t ready for only to have those relationships completely blow up in her face I want to see her in a healthy committed relationship with an actual grown up.

Hayes is that person and while I loved their slow burn last season I really wish they would pick up the pace here. I love seeing their relationship develop, but at this point they’ve established that they are good friends who have a lot in common and are able to talk openly about their kids, dead spouses, past partners, and problems. Hayes has made it clear he’s interested in her romantically and Meredith appears to reciprocate his feelings, but it feels like those feelings are just under the surface of their interactions and I’m starting to get a bit frustrated.

There are multiple romantic plot points I could have done without over the years with regards to Meredith’s storyline. This is one that I really want to see and I wish they would hurry up. I did like the mention of how Meredith will have to quarantine at a hotel for at least two weeks after she’s discharged. I’d love for Hayes to be the person she quarantines with and see them spend some time alone together and I think there’s great potential there.  

I loved that we got to see a scene with Meredith and Ellis! She’s so cute! Bailey and Ellis are starting to talk more as characters and we’re getting more insight into who these kids are which is great! Up until recently we only really got a feel for who Zola was. I love also that they’re finding ways to do it that keep the child actors who play them safe while incorporating moments with them.

I love seeing Richard step into the Chiefs role. He’ll be great in it and can really help Grey Sloan and the other Catherine Fox hospitals through this. I liked his speech to Tom although he didn’t seem to take it to heart. It was also cool to see him give a speech to the new interns that they introduced. It’s not his usual speech because these are not usual times and I like that they reflected that. Also, Sandy from ER is one of the new interns and I love that. My best friend and I have spotted a lot of cameos in this season of Grey’s so far from other long running shows which is really cool.

Tom was floundering again this episode and I feel like they might be moving towards wrapping up his storyline because if him and Teddy aren’t getting back together, which appears to be the case, and with Amelia on maternity leave there’s no real story for him. Since it’s now been revealed that he has COVID-19 they could choose to kill him off or have him recover and return to where he was working prior to moving to Seattle. It was heartbreaking to watch Amelia and Maggie worry over Meredith. Especially Amelia knowing that losing her sister who was also Derek’s beloved wife could compromise her sobriety that she has worked so hard to achieve and maintain.  

I liked the scenes with Amelia and Link, but it’s starting to feel a little gratuitous with the sex angle I think because none of the other characters are able to do that right now. We got some nice Jo and Link interactions. It was nice to see Link back in the OR. It was also nice to see Jackson remember he has a kid and talk about Harriet! We get some updates about his co-parenting situation with April and Matthew and that he doesn’t get to see Harriet as much as he’d like because he’s picking up more COVID shifts than April is. He likes Matthew, but he’s irked when Harriet says that he cuts her sandwiches better and I mean fair.

We see that DeLuca is wearing a yellow scrub cover whereas the Attending Physicians are wearing dark blue and the new interns are wearing light blue. This appears to confirm that he’s doing his Fellowship as otherwise their scrub covers would be the same colour. He spends the episode following Teddy around which seems to imply that he might be doing a Fellowship under her. Which would explain why Meredith didn’t know about it as she and Teddy aren’t super close and Meredith is presumably on Owen’s side in the fallout of Teddy’s affair being made public. Still, we’ve never seen DeLuca take any interest in Cardio or have any scenes with Teddy prior to this so it’s unclear.

I feel like the actor who plays DeLuca must have some kind of personal connection to someone who works behind the scenes on the show because at this point his character doesn’t really serve any real purpose in terms of the plot. His character doesn’t move any of the other characters storylines forward and you could remove him from Seasons 15, 16, and 17 and it wouldn’t affect the story at all. Prior to that his character served a purpose in Maggie, Alex, Jo, and Amelia’s storylines, but that ended in Season 15.

Since then we’ve seen him creepily pursue Meredith, date her largely off screen, and then get sick with Bipolar Disorder. That’s it and none of those plots affected the larger story of the show in any major way because they made it clear through dialogue that DeLuca isn’t part of the gang and the other characters don’t like him and simply tolerate his presence. Now they’re having him follow Teddy around and help treat Meredith off screen. It’s like they’re grasping at straws. His character serves no purpose at this point so I’m confused as to why they haven’t written him off. Maybe they will in the second half of the season? 

In the Promo for next week they tease that there’s something else on that beach that’s a familiar face. Someone Meredith has lost that’s passed on and that they’re hanging out at the outpost we see on the beach. My money is on George O’Malley.

Until next time!

[divagonzo]

I have a problem and I don’t know what to do. So my family planned a trip to Disneyworld for September (to celebrate we’re all 2x vaccinated) but then news starting talking about rising Delta Variant cases and my dad is this close to cancel the trip because he’s afraid we could get infected and like we’re been super careful and none of us gotten COVID-19 all this time so I don’t know what to do- he says we can go later but Florida being Florida full of stupid antivaxxers it might be years and years before it’s “100% safe” and I really was super excited to go :C is there any thing I can do ??

Good evening Nonnie! My, what a conundrum.

Long answer under the read-more line.

TL;DR - It's a complicated answer to a very fluid, complex situation.

The first bit I'm going to address is the last part before I get the rest of it. Sadly, you're right that there's plenty of stupid anti-vaxxers out there. (My family isn't a part of it! Hubs had it before he was eligible for the vaccine and the rest of us got the jab. None in my family are anti-vaxx. All but 2 of my close friends are vaxx'd (and both of them are going on the advice of their personal medical doctor - or in one's case, all 4 of them since they are in fragile health.)

However, the issue of 100% safe is a fallacy even in pre-pandemic times. The most it might eventually mitigate to is 97% safe. Florida has some weirdos even in normal, regular times. O_O Things happen*** that makes any time you get out of bed potentially disastrous.

Bear in mind I'm not risk adverse. I do plenty of dumb shite stuff even now at my age - but risking infection from Covid and the Delta variant isn't it. The spouse and I flew to Florida in April, after he'd fully recovered from it - and I'd had my first dose - to go see his Mom. We determined that the risk flying down on a 6am flight to Florida to spend the week with her was of utmost importance for her mental health. (Enormous boon for her, that we came down to visit.) We normally drive but the time and potential vectors I couldn't account for made the decision an easy one. We cancelled our trip last March to go see her at the last minute since she's part of the most vulnerable demographic and I wouldn't/couldn't risk her health for this (I'd been watching the news for six weeks and only cancelled the trip 2 days before we were to leave because of seeing this oncoming tsunami.) She was upset but I am thankful that we did.

I'm glad we did skip because she thinks she had it last March and would be have been sick while we were down there (like can't get off the couch to go to bed sick can't sleep flat sick 102 fever sick - and my SIL is a doctor and didn't know for certain and we still aren't all for sure.)

SIL made sure she had the first doses available at her hospital for the MIL after the medical staff got theirs.

Ask yourself if the trip is worth it for the potential of bankrupting your savings if you get it bad enough to end up sitting in the E/R for days because there are no staffed beds available to treat you. Will it happen? I dunno. I'm far from a seer. But ICU utilization rates right now are off the chain.

I do know how to do risk analysis.

What to do?

I'd speak with Dad who is, by in large, properly concerned because of large crowds, long lines, and too many damn people around. Y'all aren't the risk but the other dumb sods are. You might be properly masked and still might receive it from somewhere (since this is transmitted via aerosolization and viral loads being around someone for an hour) and there's always one dumb schmuck who won't be smart, wise, or prudent and will go among the crowds spreading this thing. There's plenty of horror stories of someone getting it from a mass event - many legit, some spreading vile miscommunication - and others who are sociopaths who have no care 'cept about themselves. They are the ones begging for the vaccine who are about to get a nasty tube down their throat to try and survive this mess - praying to whatever deity will listen to spare them from being permanently disabled.

The risk is there but being smart is that the risk is small. It will never be 100% risk-free.

The other bit is this - September is the ending of the tourist season, It's not as crowded as it would be in June/July/August (but surprisingly December is busy because of the parades and such.) It won't be as crowded - but still busy enough. Being outside, in the sunshine, and not in confined spaces does well. Let me reiterate that being outside, in the sunshine and not in confined spaces is the safest option. It's only if you're stuck in confined spaces, like attraction lobbies for an hour that becomes a problem.

I'd speak with Dad (respectfully) and ask what y'all could do to go enjoy the trip, go live, and still be smart about things. My sister and nibling went back in March down for a week and stayed smart, masked up, carried anti-bacterial handwash, cleaned down the room when they got there, and came home without an issue.

No problems for them.

That was before the rise of the Delta Variant that is more infectious even if the death rates aren't as high (but are plenty high enough!)

I know you want to go. Everyone is sick and tired of being home, being responsible, while other mouth breathing knuckle dragging troglydikes are out being dumb fucks and you wonder why they have a deathwish. I don't blame you being antsy to go live, too.

But being in a hospital 2 states away on O2 therapy with this mess (and the medical staff on the verge of breaking!) isn't a wise investment, either. A hospital ICU stay 2 states away will bankrupt every middle class family.

Personally? Unless someone in the immediate family is immunocompromised (or in fragile health) where they can't get the vaccine and you have an absolute moral obligation to protect them, you have to judge the risk of immediate gratification versus delayed gratification wondering if that will ever come about. I would change plans and go somewhere else away from crowds and have fun while not being packed like sardines on rides and other Disney stuff.

What are the odds? 5%.

That's 1 in 20.

What is the family mental health worth balanced against the potential of being in the ICU and possibly permanently disabled?

It's 5%.

Me? I'd go - and keep all of the suggestions available (including spare masks for everyone!) and go enjoy yourselves. But then I'm not risk adverse. I analyze the risks and make an informed decision. Being smart is staying masked up around others, washing your hands often, and alcohol handwash too. Even out grocery shopping now I'm masked up and cleaning everything down, knowing that there is the potential of a super-bacteria bug that might develop from this mess of vital cleaning.

But your family situation is probably vastly different than mine is, with dear daughter starting her PhD program and my Mom hasn't moved in yet. If she's moved in, my answer is wholly different because I have a moral obligation to look out for her - and that is living smart.

***Why do I say that it's never 100% safe? I have a story that I never want to tell, of what I saw a few years ago on I=75 on the way down to WDW - of a family that was on their way there and.... well, to spare everyone's sensibilities, the entire family didn't make it there or return home. O_O

[glitchstoxicwaste]

agghh hello!! <3 i just recently got back into the slasher fandom full force after the release of Halloween Kills, and then promptly rewatched all the slasher movies i’ve collected and now own — and i just wanted to say i love your writing!! ( and happy early halloween!! 🎃 ) that being said, if it’s no trouble, i’d love a match-up if possible!! :D ( and maybe be your friend too? 😩 )

call me odi if you’d like! i am sixteen and an april aries. i’m around average height in my opinion, around 5’3” to 5’4”, and am on the thicker side of body, though am often described as just a thicker hourglass! i have pale skin because i tend to stay inside and away from sunlight ( i hate the heat what can i say ), and i recently chopped my hair off and now have shoulder length brown hair w/ curtain bangs, all of which i normally curl ( unless i’m lazy lmao ), and have blue eyes!! i have a.. like a average face ig? 💀🤚 very faint freckles on my nose, and kinda chubby cheeks? my general aesthetic is grunge / alternative rock, which for me usually includes black skinny jeans, my rings, necklace, and earrings, and usually it not an oversized shirt / hoodie or flannel! :’) i’m trying-

personality wise, i suppose normally i’m socially awkward, reserved, and generally insecure in public ;—; buuut i have been getting better and been able to joke around more with people and talk more! around friends i’m a goof 💀 i like being able to playfully insult and banter with my friends, and i’m often the loudest one laughing — though i do have periods of time of kind of just.. being constantly tired, easily overwhelmed, fidgety, and sometimes empty feeling, though these only last a week or two, otherwise i’m the same old goofy, smiling idiot!! :DD hobbies of mine include singing, sketching ( though rare as of recent ), writing ( i soon wanna start writing for slashers actually!! :D ), and sometimes baking ( though i sometimes forget to turn the oven off uhM-). ( speaking of, i’m very forgetful ). interests include horror movies, romance novels, writing any random song lyrics that pop into my head or any random novel ideas i come up with ( right now i’m brainstorming a novel actually wooooo ), and ig just generally anything that can make me laugh or feel good / comforts me.

in a relationship, i’m really good with being understanding and patient. i often help others with relationship advice, since i’m really big into psychology and therefore think about a lot of stuff that has to do with mental health, relationships whether familial, romantic, or platonic, i’m generally really good at knowing what to say at the right time ( according to those around me ). i truly do value quality time, and would much prefer spending time with my partner around the house or wherever they’d like to go, rather than be physically or verbally affectionate. i’m not entirely huge with physical affection, specifically face-caressing or hand holding, but tbh i’m huge on stupid shit like laying on people ( i lay on my friends all the time ) and stuff!! sometimes i’ll like to give my friends or partner some little thing that reminded me of them, like a little trinket from a store i saw or what-have-you!

sorry, this is a lot 😭 buuuuut anyways, thank you so much in advance, whether or not you write this for me! <3 tysm lovely, n i hope you have a good day / night!! ( and let me apologize in advance if any information in here is off, missing, or otherwise! )

Howdy! I’d love to be your friend Odi! You can call me Glitch! Happy early Spoopy Day to you as well!! The length was great and gave a lot of information so no worries!!

I hope you like who you got! Have a great day/night!!!!

He is:

Jason Voorhees!

Please read

[prosopopeya]

New Year’s Meme

this survey has been a tradition among my friend group for YEARS, but i haven’t filled it out since 2015 apparently. i’m not entirely sure why except 2016 was the year a lot of stuff changed for me, namely in that i finally got out of school in some form and started a new job, but i also had a few health problems that kept plaguing me (thyroid medicine being off, vitamin d) and my anxiety was all over the place. so here we go i’m doing it again and feel free to do it too if you want!!

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? tried on wedding dresses. taught virtually. dealt (poorly) with drunk teenagers. performed in a pep rally. wore face masks all the time. i’m going to lump in living with someone. jon moved in october 2019, but i don’t think i did this quiz last year so. taught ap.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year? i don’t really like resolutions. they put too much pressure on me and i am a fragile person when it comes to setting expectations and living up to them. i did want to try to read more this year, and i maintained that until the pandemic, and then just kind of gave up requiring myself to do anything but live.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? i don’t think so. a coworker did.

4. Did anyone close to you die? jon’s cousin committed suicide in march or april. the circumstances were pretty upsetting. um. andy died in february, very suddenly. andy was my high school boyfriend for four years with whom i had a very... he scarred me in a lot of ways when it comes to sex and consent. it’s taken me a long time to unpack all of that. and i struggle with how much any of that was his fault or just bc he was a stupid kid too. our mutual friends had nothing but nice things to say about him on fb. anyway. he would guilt me into saying he’d kill himself if we broke up, and jon’s cousin killed himself over his girlfriend. so that was a complex part of the year.

5. What countries did you visit? none. literally the week before the quarantine, we went to asheville to visit jon’s cousin.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? maybe a different job? or at least some peace at doing mine.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? march 13 we cancelled classes and had a technology training day; the 15th we had another one, and then we were virtual the rest of the term. it was such a sudden shift and while i so loved working from home tbh, it was such a relief after a supremely shitty january/february work-wise, i still had a lot of keyed-up, stressful days centered around transitioning to being the senior upper school spanish teacher. i hate it!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? writing 50k in the month of november. i have literally never done that before and actively reject nano as being typically unhealthy for how my mind works, so it was nice to do it entirely by accident.

9. What was your biggest failure? mishandling the drunken teenagers on that field trip in january.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i sit crosslegged in my virtual teaching chair and i did it so much that my ankle hurt for the entire summer.

11. What was the best thing you bought? we put a deposit on our elopement in ireland. jon’s wedding ring. (i didn’t buy my wedding dress.)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my best friend at work who keeps me sane and is represented by benny in my au, which other than the fact that he is not my sidepiece, is perfect he is crucial to my survival at work and i love him so much. (also he is gay and the french teacher so the benny parallels just keep coming). everyone who tore down a statue in virginia (and other places, but especially monument avenue). everyone putting their lives on the line during this pandemic.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? guess! but aside from all the obvious, i found out a friend of mine at work voted for trump. my work bff and i had been trying for years to sway his politics, but that had us both deciding to give up on him.

14. Where did most of your money go?  food, ALCOHOL. god., our savings account. i did a pretty excellent job saving this year, though a good deal of that is because jon moved in and makes more money than me, and also we split all the bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my wedding dress but strangely only when i went to try it on after it came in bc after the purchase i was so sure i’d made every mistake possible. my wedding band. wellbutrin changing my whole life. and, last but certainly not least, the gay angel and the bi(lingual) hunter. i wouldn’t have survived nov-dec in school without that distraction. the election.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2020? the entirety of taylor swift’s oeuvre this year, maybe specifically “this is me trying”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  i. Happier or sadder? happier, i suppose, perhaps contrary to what should be the case, but wellbutrin is a hell of a drug. ii. Older or wiser? wiser. ii. Richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? reading. cleaning. exercising.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? stressing. chaperoning.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? so, an update; last year was the first year i didn’t go to my mom’s for christmas. i was supposed to see her for thanksgiving last year, but she basically told us not to come bc she wasn’t feeling up to it (cool!), and we went to jon’s for christmas and my mom’s for new year’s. 

this year, obviously we couldn’t go to my mom’s. instead, we rented a little cabin by the lake. it was perfect; it was really really nice inside, the beds were SO SOFT, the pillows were the best things i have ever laid my head on, like i took off the pillowcases to try to find the brand. we had a little tiny christmas tree with tiny ornaments from walmart that we decorated. the 23rd, we went and picked up our wedding bands. we slept two nights in the (cold) back bedroom so i could wake up and look out at the lake. it snowed for christmas. :)

we opened presents on christmas eve, per jon’s family’s tradition. on christmas eve, we also went to his family farm and sat outside and hung out a little. every year his family does like a secret santa sort of thing and i got my first present in that exchange, which is notable bc jon and i are not yet officially married. i got a remote control car -- jon’s idea bc i couldn’t think of anything, and he was so delighted to hear that i loved playing with rc cars when we went to the beach as a kid.

christmas morning we facetimed my parents and opened some presents together. then jon and i marathoned mandalorian (after spending the previous few days watching several die hard movies), and then we watched wonder woman 1984 which was a bad movie.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? ok LAST year for new year’s, we were in a hotel room, so that was nice, bc it meant minimal stress with my parents. i had always wanted to go to this restaurant near us that has a special new year’s menu, so we did that. the night before or after i think we went to cheesecake factory, which was also amazing.

this year currently i’m tumbling and he’s playing pokemon, and in a bit we’ll try to time it so we finish schitt’s creek in time for the new year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? i re-fell in love with supernatural so that was nice.

23. How many one-night stands? 0. i submit we should randomly change question 23 each year to something more relevant to any of our life experiences.

24. What was your favorite TV program? what did i even watch this year. schitt’s creek. mandalorian. i mean obviously we know supernatural. the circle. are you the one (the queer season). pose. unsolved mysteries. we’re here! perry mason. watchmen. oh maybe that mcdonald’s monopoly fraud documentary. avenue 5. i’ll be gone in the dark. of those i think my favorite maybe is... pose or we’re here.

OKAY UM. on my 2014 version of this there were a bunch of questions about tv shows that i’m putting back in if only for the memories:

25. Which TV shows did you start watching in 2020? the haunting of bly manor, which we still need to finish. derry girls.

26. Which TV shows did you let go of in 2020? HERE’S WHY I WANTED TO RESURRECT THESE. here was my answer in 2015: “supernatural. goodbye, my sweet prince.” CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE

27. Which TV shows did you mean to get into but didn’t in 2020? Why? so far, queen’s gambit and that one on hulu with catherine the great. EVENTUALLY. 28. Which TV shows do you intend on checking out in 2020? fleabag. queen’s gambit. 29. Which TV show do you think you might let go of in 2020 unless things significantly improve? idk i drop things pretty regularly if they don’t entertain me 30. Which TV show impressed you least in 2020? GUYS HERE’S MY ORIGINAL 2015 ANSWER: “supernatural. :(”

anyway back to the rest of the quiz:

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? every person who refuses to listen to facts and information.

26. What was the best book you read? killers of the flower moon: the osage murders and the birth of the fbi, or the his dark materials series.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? well i knew about tswift so i’m not going to count her albums. i will count this song that jon played for me once in the car that got stuck in my head for two weeks straight and led me down into a great related-songs spotify playlist: through the roof ‘n underground.

28. What did you want and get? a wedding dress and a very specific kind of wedding band. a gay angel. a christmas getaway. animal crossing.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? idk i don’t know how many films i saw this year. maybe mucho mucho amor: the legend of walter mercado

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i was 32. we went to an escape room with a BUNCH of people -- work bff, my old work bff and his wife (old bc he quit and we’ve fallen out of touch :(), the cool new physics teacher and his fiancee, and the aforementioned trump voter and his wife, before we knew... we went out for brunch/lunch after. it was pretty great!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? not having to chaperone that school trip in january. dean being bi in english as well as spanish. cas just ilke, appearing in 15x20. not having to physically go back to work this fall.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? no! real! pants!

34. What kept you sane? jon. supernatural (in a way?). animal crossing for a while. wellbutrin! i haven’t really been able to detail this yet, but finally i did something about tumblr and my therapist making me think about adhd. my doctor gave me wellbutrin (bc i lack any official diagnosis and was on anxiety meds anyway, and he was like let’s try this!) and it’s fucking. it’s a fucking godsend. surprisingly enough, my students. trying to provide them a safe space has been a calming thing for me.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? jensen ackles’ silence. misha collins again, i guess.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? the summer was so fucking intense. i guess though it was me trying to exert my influence in a responsible way with my students without trying to try to make them feel uncomfortable but then one kid was a vocally upset trump supporter after the election and i had to try to defuse that situation.

37. Who did you miss? my old work bff. several old friends that i’ve fallen out of touch with bc i have no object permanence.

38. Who was the best new person you met? people i met through the spn resurgence!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: if you manifest it in an au, it will come. no really though. maybe that expectations are only as important as i make them out to be.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: usually i have a hard time coming up with anything for this and i default to looking at my most played songs of the year. my most played song of the year received each and every one of its plays within the month of november and you can guess why. anyway see if this works

I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met - the night we met, lord huron

[ahiddenpath]

Life Talk

1.)  I won Nanowrimo

2.)  My house is sold

3.)  I’m tryyyyyyying to taking it easy

More below the cut.

So, I won Nanowrimo.  It’s roughly 30K Four Years and 20K Tri: Integrity Lens.  I feel very... blank about it, though.  In the last few years, I’ve been trying to celebrate when I win Nanowrimo, but...  I don’t have any emotions about it this year, probably even less than usual.

I should probably back up and say that, when I was growing up, I was the type that got all As, won every contest, was the lead in plays and singing events, got the good behavior awards, won state-wide science and poetry contests, was on the select sports teams.  I’m not saying this to brag- I was hyper-involved in school and extracurriculars because it kept me away from home.  

It got to the point at home where, if I won an award, the reaction was, “good.”  If I didn’t, it was, “Why didn’t you win that award?  We don’t have money for tutoring, so you had better figure it out *vague threat* ”  Stuff like that.

Basically, it’s hard for me to feel proud of anything.  If I succeed, that’s “baseline.”  Good, I won’t be scolded.  If I don’t, that’s anxiety- “I will be scolded, I will be punished.”  

I can’t change that concept as an adult- it was cemented into me during my formative years.  But I can see it, and I can tell myself- it’s okay.  Don’t beat yourself up over not feeling a certain way.

The big thing on my mind now, still, is that we sold our first home successfully a few days ago.  It’s the most enormous load off my mind.  This whole time, I’ve been wondering- I keep pinning everything on when the house is sold.  Will it actually be a relief?  Will it actually free up emotional and mental real estate?

SPOILER ALERT: IT DID, I FEEL GREAT!  

I told my therapist that I couldn’t feel “at home” and “settled” until I sold the old house, and she challenged me to not wait for some kind of...  Permission?  Catalyst?  Like, don’t put things off citing “my old home isn’t sold” as a reason, because suddenly, a year will have passed and you still haven’t painted your room or put up photos or turned the house into your home.

I absolutely see her point, but I also see mine.  Frankly, now that I’m not paying for two mortgages, I can afford to do some of that stuff (buy paint and supplies, buy a rug, buy a lamp, etc).  It is true that I could have hung my photos at any time, so that was just a mental/stress block, but I do think that pointing to the money that was tied up in paying the mortgages for both homes, and for repairing things at the old home at the buyer’s demand, was... you know, a valid reason not to be throwing money at our current home.

Right now, my anxiety is free to be directed at the fact that the CDC is forecasting such drastic pandemic leaps.  It’s expected to hit in about 10-ish days after today, 11/29, a Sunday that will likely be the largest single day for travel as people head back home in droves to make it to work on Monday after going away for Thanksgiving.  It’s expected that we’ll be seeing 4,000 covid deaths per day in the states around week 2/3 of December.

I really don’t want to go to work physically, because I know coworkers who travelled.  I wish we could all stay home for two weeks, when the symptoms will show for carriers who are not asymptomatic.  I will definitely be limiting my time in the office to after 3 PM, when a lot of coworkers have gone home.  It’s still a risk that I’m not sure is worthwhile.  

Ah!  I should probably say that my therapist is talking about ending therapy.  I started in... I wanna say March or April of 2019?  Is that right?  So I guess it’s been...  Like, 19-ish months?  I’ve learned so much, but I would say...  The biggest difference is that I can see my behavior patterns for what they are, and then decide what to do with them.  I haven’t “changed” at my core.  I can’t, not in the way people mean when they say “you’ve changed.”  The same learned behaviors, belief systems, and emotions from my childhood are there.  I just recognize them when they pop up and can make informed decisions about how to approach them.  

Which, it turns out, makes a huge difference, even if it isn’t really “change.”  I’m always in danger of being too distraught to see what’s in front of my face, though (thanks, anxiety!).

What else...  My husband and I did cheese fondue and hot pot for Thanksgiving!  It was easily the best holiday I’ve ever had.  Holidays are always... so high pressure, always such events that turn a day off into a giant list of chores that might span weeks to complete beforehand.  Plus, I’m always hoping I’m not about to be dragged into some kind of “trap” conversation by both my family and my husband’s, who have very different political views compared to me.

But on Thanksgiving, my husband and I ate amazing food, spent a lot of time together, and I felt so loved and cared for and valued, because my husband came up with the idea and made it happen, all so we’d have a nice holiday together.  Honestly, I don’t deserve him.  I don’t get it.  He’s so amazing?  I love him so much.

As for my writing, I’ve been feeling...  Bad about it, frankly.  I think it’s partially because it honestly looks like no one is reading Tri: Integrity Lens.  I don’t get it?  It was my most requested story in 2018/2019, and I know people wanted a sequel to Growing Up with You, so why is TIL doing so poorly?  At first, I thought people were going back to read GUWY again first, since I saw a huge surge in hits for it.  Now, I’m not sure?  Like, if I open my stats, some random GUWY chapters will have over 10 times the hits as the newest TIL chapter???  ???? ????  ????  ?????

I’m wondering if it has to do with Tri itself...  I think that, the more time passed, the more people who liked Tri are maybe defensive about how... negative the fandom reaction was, overall.  Meanwhile, people who dislike it, I think, have maybe simply... chucked it out the window, and don’t think about it much.  Whereas, when it was still coming out and directly after it wrapped up, I think people who disliked Tri were more interested in imagining ways they might have personally tweaked it.

That makes things awkward for someone like me, who thinks Tri has amazing moments basically... tacked onto a crumbling base.  

Actually, let me give you my weird metaphor for Tri!

When I am deciding if I’m going to write a new fic, often what happens is...  A few powerful ideas coalesce, a few themes and characterizations.  Some people say they are lead by a few powerful scenes.  I think of these ideas/themes/character ideas (or scenes for other people) as sparkling ornaments on a Christmas tree.

The problem is that...  Ornaments in a box don’t... do much.  You need to display them on a tree, right?  The ornaments need to be connected and supported by a plot (unless you decide to write a focused oneshot, which is my recommendation in most cases).

In short: Tri has amazing ornaments, but the tree is... not... doing that well.  The ideas are there, there are plenty of awesome moments, but something about the actual story/execution just...  Didn’t do it for me.  But dang, those are some nice ornaments!

That was quick and dirty, but hopefully it conveyed the general idea.  

ANYWAY, I’ve been trying to decide if I’m going to continue TIL.  I think right now, I would definitely finish Ketsui, since I have so much material written already.  Why waste it, right?  But I’m not sure what the future of the story will be- not plot wise, but rather, “is my time better spent elsewhere”-wise.

I’m not sure if I need to focus on a new story, if I should take a break, or what.  I need to write for my mental health, but it doesn’t have to be a fanfic.  It can be anything, as long as I explore whatever is eating at me.

And that is where I am!  I hope you’re all staying safe <3

[dzaneena]

2020 Recap, Onwards 2021!

New year always makes us think of how our previous year has been. It’s been a heck of a ride and I think it would be sort of a good way to remind ourselves of the hardships, lessons learned, and growth there’s been in the past year. Here’s how mine turned out. January

Oh, new year, new hope. I thought this would be the year I could make it mine. Get the things I’ve always wanted and spoil myself with every little thing I could not have when I was younger. Job is going well, financially stable and able, everything was fine. This month, I’ve purchased my first Macbook. Yes, apparently I’ve been sucked up into the apple ecosystem and now I want to experience all of it if I can. I did and I’m happy about this. It’s been a dream for someone who always had to save each meal into two so I could have it for my next meal just so I can save money.

February

Oh, the month of love! Yes, yes. I had the chance to travel to Thailand, being the temporary adopted child of a friend’s family. I was thrilled to be there and experience this one-of-a-kind experience. At this time, the virus was not that rampant with everything and there were no restrictions for travel. We thought everything was fine and would be fine. 

March

A week after arriving from our trip to Thailand, I got a text from one of my closest friends asking if I would like to spend a weekend in Vietnam with her. Well, of course I did! At this time, finances were a-ok! I could afford it. Plus, the food there was really good at a low price! We didn’t spend much on this trip. We just hung out and took photos here and there.  We arrived one day before the city announced General Community Quarantine. We were lucky to arrive at that exact day or we would have been stranded in another country for God knows how long. :( Work was feeling the effects of the pandemic already. 50% of our workmates were laid off. This was a sad, sad time. I couldn’t help but think of all our workmates who had to think of how to survive without work through this pandemic under the quarantine with little to no mobility. 

April

Work has been... work. Everyone had to cut their hours and get back to basic pay. I am thankful to still have work but this took a big hit with my finances, of course. I live alone. Recently paying off the house I’ve invested in from last year. 

This was also the month my friends practically forced me to play mobile games. Thank goodness they did! This was where all my rage/frustration was spent. 

May

Remember that house I invested in? Yeah, that went down the drain, literally lol. I’ve been having problems with leaks and puddles of water coming through the walls of the house which caused a chain of serious issues, health-wise and safety-wise. This was a hazardous house to live in. I guess it’s true what they say about things being “too good to be true”. I’ve tried to settle this with the landlord but I didn’t get not one penny back, not even my deposit. I’ve been paying this for over a year. Much, much regrets. There’s a whole lot that happened during this time. I had to move out and decided to just cut further losses and be done with it. I couldn’t sleep at night for no idea how many weeks/months because of all that money I’ve invested that just vanished. I still feel a weird kind of sadness every time it rains. It always flooded in that house whenever it rained. So you can see how much I relate to that movie “Parasite”. 

June

Lucky I have a house to still come home to. This was the previous house I lived in before purchasing that God-forsaken flooded house. I was adjusting and trying to make the best of what I could for the time being. I had a small renovation project as well. 

July

Renovation project going well and it was my joy to see how clients were happy about it. This was also the first time I was seeing my mother since January and it was only for a few hours because she had to go back to our hometown within 24 hours or else she would have to be quarantined. Traveling was such a pain during this time. We can’t even go visit our hometown to see our family.

On the bright side, I got to try out a lot of food (all home-cooked, of course). And I got to learn to cook some Korean food as well. I was well into the k-drama world for this whole time.

August

Kittens were growing up well. My cat gave birth in May but a lot of things happened then. I had 3 cats pregnant almost at the same time. Needless to say, we had to castrate our lover boy cat, Brutus. Though he had one last go before we did this and got another round of our cats getting pregnant. I can’t even. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Had the opportunity to do a product photoshoot for a local ice cream business. It was an amazing experience and it’s cool to think that people actually believe in my photography skills if I had any. LOL. 

September

My birth month. I found out that I wasn’t even worth one minute of people’s time to text me. LOL. Well, life goes on. (Insert BTS’ Life Goes On)

On the positive side, my boyfriend’s family decided to do a Korean dinner (Samgyeupsal, Kimchi Jjiggae, Tteokbokki) for my birthday. It was really sweet of them. 😭🥰 I couldn’t spend my birthday with any of my family but they spent it with me. I’m tearing up just writing this down hehehe thankful for this second family.

October

One of my closest friends was getting married. I kid you not, we were waiting for this day to happen ever since college. We travelled to the city where he was getting married with the Friendship Pause crew. (That’s a whole other story LOL) It was nice getting a nice moment down from all the crap we’ve been facing. 

I was also able to get back to my hometown for my mother’s birthday. Despite all the travel restrictions, we managed to push through. My eldest brother and I are the only ones not living in our hometown. 

November

Ahh, yes. The year is almost over but it still feels like we’re stuck in March. During the span of the year lately, I’ve been actively looking for a second job for extra income. And thankfully, because I’m such a “never give up, never surrender” kind of person, I’ve landed a few jobs project-based for this year. I’ve been a graphic designer, personal assistant, transcriptionist, food photographer, social media manager assistant, etc.  I’ve also landed my latest job from a start-up company. It’s amazing how some people can see your grit and potential. I pray we all get to do what we want to do in life so it won’t be such a chore to do. My first (online) job is the very first job that I actually enjoy and everyday, I am really excited to get work done. Hoping that this company recovers from the economic hit of the pandemic fast. 

December

Ahh, the last month for this challenging year. What could be in store for us? I think this pandemic has hit us physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and financially. It also makes you realize things. I realized that I’m no one’s go-to friend. I’m just that extra friend right there when you need me to be. Not a particular someone you call when something’s up. That’s okay, I guess. We can’t be everybody to...well, everybody! Haha! 

I’ve been into tech lately and with all the gaming I was doing, I created a gaming page somewhere along in those past months. Streaming games was one of my stress relievers. Hopefully, if I can have a stable source of income, I’ll be able to do this full-time seeing that traveling is still out of the picture.  All in all, this was such a shitty year. There are a lot of in-betweens that happened this year and I had to just highlight some things but basically, it’s just been so hard. I know I’m probably not the only one struggling and trying to survive on a daily basis. I am thankful that I have a job (3 actually, 4 if you count our online business on hiatus) and I am still able to put food into my stomach. But sometimes, we just need a good cry and some ice cream maybe.

If you’ve read this far, thank you! Thank you for actually caring to read my thoughts and random stuff I have in mind. We may not see each other but please know that I really appreciate your effort. 

On a lighter note, I hope everyone will be happier this coming 2021. Stay safe!

[i-bounced-byeeee]

Don't mind me just trying to process and assess my mood lately. I've been in a rut and I'm not entirely sure what kind of rut it is. I don't really feel depressed but I also know I'm not okay mental health wise. I'm just having a hard time pinpointing what exactly it is.

So in gonna ramble. Long post incoming and no read more because I'm on mobile.

January, 2021 I found out my Cat, Sparta had Diabetes. I was trying to do everything I could to get his insulin for him so he'd be a healthy happy kitty. My sister had to help with this and it's thanks to her we were able to get him started. I also fell down the stairs a week after all this and then a week after that I suffered a stroke but didn't know it.

I had been out that day and when I came home I took something for a headache and laid down to nap, and when I woke up the back of my neck and all down my leftside was tingling like it had fallen asleep and wouldn't wake up. After a few hours of this I went to the nearest hospital where they did a CT, some blood work, and a urinalysis. They didn't see anything unusual ams since I wasn't displaying any otherbsymptoms of a stroke they just gave me a baby aspirin and sent me home with a referral to an outpatient MRI and said if it got worse to come back.

It did. I went back and the doctor that saw me confirmed I had tingling in my left side, said it might have been because of my fall down the stairs a week prior, and to take a Valium with motrin and Tylenol. Then he sent me home. I made an appointment with a neurologist who was extremely worried because of my gait, I could barely walk and I was a fall risk. He had me admitted to the hospital, they did a bunch of blood work, an MRI, and a spinal tap. They discovered I had a stroke in My right cerebellum and I had 3 or 4 lesions on my spinal chord and we aren't sure if they're related to the stroke or not.

Now I've gained sensation in my left side since then but it still does t feel quote right and my right side is super sensitive and sometimes feel like I've got a cat constantly scratching me, usually on my thigh and right side of my waist.

In February I started occupational and physical therapy, I also celebrated Lucian's 5th birthday. I spent most of my time in bed playing resident Evil games and watching TV shows.

In March, my cat started to go down hill ad showed signs of ketoacidosis so my mom took him to the vet. They did some tests because his numbers weren't as high as they should be for that and learned he had pancreatitus, and started treating him for that, however he began to get worse and needed hospitalization, which would have cost us $6000 which we didn't have and hisboutlook over the weekend was very verybgrim.. my cat died March 27th. I had him for 12 years and I don't think I've fully even processed he's gone. Everything feels... weird. Surreal almost.

In April my mom found a cat up for adoption and we went to meet him, I liked him and so we paid a rehoming fee and brought him home, I named him Zagreus! He kind of helped ease the pain a little. I also started looking for a dog because I wanted a dog for my son yo play with. The search was hard and we couldn't find a dog that was a good fit for us. Either the dogs we'd find weren't good with kids, cats, or they were too rowdy or too old. I looked for a dog from sometime in April until June when I decided maybe another cat would be better, none of the cats we had currently would play with Zagreus so wanted to get him a friend.

I adopted Purrsephone the first week of June. She settled in really well! And she is doing great. I also had started really gardening after Sparta Died so on top of the kitty care I am also gardening and working outside. I also work for my moms pet sitting business when I can so I can earn some extra money.

In July I went to visit my dad in California. I wasn't feeling well that whole day we spent traveling and puked when we got there. We didn't get to go camping because there were fires everywhere, but I still enjoyed my visit it was hard at first because of my anxiety but it eventually calmed down.

I came back last week, I'm not sure how I feel about my upcoming birthday because even though I want to do stuff and have fun, I also don't have the money to do much at all, and I don't really have any friends to invite over. I'll also be losing my dad's insurance coverage on my birthday so I need to start the process of getting on the state insurance.

I've had some pretty severe baby fever, I've also been wanting to get my own place, to get stuff for my own space, stuff for my garden, stuff for grooming, stuff for Lucian to get him prepared for kindergarten this year. I've been designing adopts which haven't sold yet, and I've been trying to draw but I'm having a hard time because I feel like my art falls flat.

I've been wanting to do everything but don't have the motivation to do all the things I want to do, I've also been incredibly fatigued and my right side has been in some pain thanks to possible nerve damage. I've been trying to roll with the punches and things see. Pretty alright currently but there's a part of my brain that's struggling with something and idk what so I can work on it.