#I have almost 1500 pictures so lol

[bigpaw]

I walked 800 km across Spain this summer on the Camino de Santiago, here's some of the landscapes I saw along the way!

[squoxle]

Hi ! Could you write something where like y/n is sucking or playing with heeseungs dick & she just got her fresh nails done and they’re pretty and EVERHTING & she poses with heeseungs dick and adds a bow …

(Sorry for taking so long to respond to your request)

French Tip ~ L. HS

pairing: sugar-daddy!bf!heeseung x babygirl!gf!reader| wc: 1.3k | plot: after getting your nails done, you're excited to show Heeseung your fresh, new set. | cw: 🔞MDNI!! blow job, boob job, hand job, basically touching his dick in every way possible and snapping a few pictures lol bc why tf not (there're also a few cute moments hehe)

Having your boyfriend pay for your nails was nothing out of the ordinary to you. He did this almost every week, or whenever else he thought they should be done.

Sometimes you would ask for his input, but today was not one of those days. You wanted to surprise him with a fresh, natural-looking set.

French Tips...

"When you finish getting your nails done, send me a pic. I wanna see what they look like," he said before kissing you on the cheek. You could still smell the scent of coffee from this morning in the air.

That alone was addicting enough, but when the scent of his Channel cologne was mixed in only one thing was on your mind. And that was getting back in bed with him. Or at least pleasing him while he tells you how pretty you look.

"Okay," you smiled softly as you looked into his sweet doe eyes. You pulled the gold chain of your black clutch bag over your shoulder as you headed out the door.

You would've loved for him to take you to your nail appointment today, but he had some business to take care of at home. To be specific, he had a very important meeting over Zoom with a few of his colleagues concerning a very important business deal, which he made crystal clear to you the day before.

Before heading to your appointment, you stopped to place an order for some desserts. Heeseung planned to have a business party next week and he left you in charge of the food.

"Why do you want me to do it? Can't you just hire someone else to take care of this," you asked, not because you had a problem with it, more so for the reason that you were honestly curious.

"Well, you have good taste," he smiled.

"Mhm, sure I do."

"Well, that and you taste good," he smirked, pulling you close to flick his tongue across your lips.

You took a sip from your water bottle as you walked into the beauty salon. "Good morning, Dear. Are you here for your 9 o'clock appointment?" Mrs. Yanez asked from behind the desk.

"Yes, ma'am," you smiled.

"Alright, I'm just gonna log you in," she said as she clacked away at her keyboard. "Do you know what you want to do today?"

"Yes, I'll need a full, fresh set along with a mani-pedi."

"Did you want a massage as well?"

"No, that's alright."

"You sure, it's 30 percent off today. Plus you've accumulated a total of 1500 pretty points with us."

"Hmm, well I'll definitely use those points another day," you smiled. "And as much as I would love a discounted massage, I kinda wanna get back home a little early today."

"Ooh, Mr. Lee must be home today," she teased.

"Yes, he is," you chuckled.

"Well, then I won't keep you waiting any longer," she smiled before pushing a small black button. She often reminded you of the tía-sobrina relationship you never had. You could talk to her about anything, and trust me...she wanted to hear it.

"Right this way, Miss," a masked employee nodded as you followed her to the back. You giggled as Mrs. Yanez playfully waved to you with a smirk on her face.

You sat down in a soft leather chair as you explained what look you were going for today. "I would like a natural-looking set. Almost like French tips, but with natural shades."

"So no white tip?"

"Well white like the color of my natural nails," you explained pointing to the whites of your nails.

"Okay, perfect. I can do that for you. Gloss or not gloss?"

"Gloss," you smiled, as the lady turned around to pick from the colors on her shelf. A nude color, an off-white color, and a pale yellow--which she mixed with the white to match the natural color of your nails.

Having a custom color mixed made your nails feel pretty unique. Plus, this was a style you never tried before, so you were excited to see how they'd come out.

After about 45 minutes you were ready to go. Two people ended up working on you which sped up the process.

"Tell Heeseung I said hello," Mrs. Yanez smiled as you walked out.

"I will," you chuckled as she waved to you.

You climbed into your car before heading over to a nearby boba shop to pick up some drinks. Matcha for you and brown sugar for him. You liked extra boba and he liked extra syrup. These were little details you could never forget.

*Click* you snapped a shot of you holding the brown sugar boba because it looked better with your nails, even though it was for Heeseung.

Within seconds he opened the message and hearted the pic you sent. "They look nice, babe," he texted. You were surprised he even said that much.

"Maybe his meeting hasn't started yet. Or maybe they canceled it," you thought to yourself. Either way, you couldn't wait to get back home.

"Heeseung?" you called out as you stepped out of your shoes. Your car keys, clutch bag, and phone balanced between your fingers as you carried both of the drinks over to the counter. You had drunk about a fourth of your by the time you made it home.

You placed yours on the counter as you walked into his home office.

You knocked softly as you opened the door. Heeseung didn’t say a single word, but the look on his face told you everything. “I’m a little busy right now, babe. You can come back later, okay.”

You paused in both shock and embarrassment for a moment before a cheeky smirk appeared on your face. You closed the door behind you before walking over to his desk.

He was trying his best not to look at you, but you could tell he wanted to.

You placed his drink on the desk next to him before crawling under the desk. As professional as Heeseung tried to be at times, he loved wearing his sweat pants and you liked them too.

They were comfortable and made pulling his dick out so much easier.

You fiddled around with his drawstring causing him to wiggle a bit from your touch before you managed to get his dick out. You felt him harden between your palms as you stroked him up and down. That's when an idea popped into your head.

You pulled your phone out and snapped a shot of his tip against your tongue. You placed your phone down beside you as you began to suck him off. You felt him lean forward slightly, trying his best to contain his excitement.

You kissed the head of his dick to give him a chance to readjust himself. You could hear the voices of his colleagues coming from his computer as you continued to suck him off. You pulled back to unbutton your blouse using your tits to take the place of your hands as you jerked him off.

*Click* you took another pic of his dick nestled in between your tits.

You traced your tongue up the length of his shaft before taking it back in your mouth. It wasn't long before you heard him getting ready to end the call.

You looked up at him from under the desk. "Couldn't wait until after my meeting," he asked with a smirk.

You shook your head no as you continued to bob your head on his cock.

"Did you at least enjoy yourself?"

"Hmm...almost. I still feel like I'm missing a little something."

"And what would that be?" he asked cheekily, though he was fully aware of what you wanted...especially after you opened your mouth to tap his tip on your tongue.

He grabbed your head, shoving it down as he pumped himself into your mouth. Just as he was getting ready to cum he pulled your head back to coat your tongue.

*Click* He took a photo of your sitting between his legs with his cum all over your tongue and a dazed look on your face.

He paused to tap away at his phone before sending a pic of you with a bow edited on your head looking completely cum drunk.

❀ Thank you all so much for reading! Make sure to check out other works on my masterlist!

❀ 𝚃𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝: @chlorinecake @mimikittysblog @nikisvanillaccola @wonbinisbabygurl @mrswolfhard3 @laylasbunbunny @sussyjake @furious-eagle @cherrriesss @abbyizzy @weyukinluv @addictedtohobi @thatonenoona @wavykook @givemeyourtmihyun @jaeljn @hoonmywk @valennshit @19-yunalyn @hoonbby @frostedblankets @hoonsyo @no-mannerism @perfectxserendipity @chubbibish @ihrtlix @bunniesforsoobin @thereadersparadise @thatbooknerdfr @aiden2001 @belongstoheeseung @jakeybabe @donut-crazs @rizzhee @nikimeows @woonieees @uarmyxtae @rebecca-johnson-28 @they2luv1naia @isa-2007 @silcry @riverscafe @pearlwhitesoul @nikohiroshi @thatbooknerdfr @wonniewonwon @sughoonieeee @babyy-bambii @adrika04 @sehunsharpasseyebrows @wtfyangjungwon @fr-3-akn-4-stymf @rikiloversworld @shawyle @sunoosrightbuttcheek @uarmyxtae @lovesickxmina @urfavberry @urauntiefaye @breadlover01 @taehyunsfavmo

[lizardkingeliot]

Congrats on your freedom from the mess!

I'm having a craving to read a scene where Louis is defending Lestat to someone. I'm not particular about the context but I hope that we'll get some "that's my husband and only I can talk shit about him" energy from Louis in the show too. But I'd settle for a few hundred words from you! ❤️

Okay. So. When I started writing this I challenged myself to keep it under 500 words and... lmao. Well. It ended up being almost 1500. Because of course. But ANYWAY I hope you're here for some Rockstar Lestat and Photographer Louis because that's what this ended up being. The urge to turn this into a longer fic is STRONG but I'm resisting for now. After I finish my current wip I might come back to it and fill it out and pop it up on AO3. IDK... we'll see lol.

Anyway I'm sticking most of this under a cut. Thank you for this lovely prompt and I hope you enjoy it!

—

Louis emerged from the dressing room first. Leaned against the wall outside the door and started fiddling with his camera. Checking over the pictures he’d taken just moments ago. Lestat—a ring of vanity lights like a halo around the mirror behind him. Lestat—purple leather pants, lime green crop top, the word Slut scrawled in sparkly cursive on the chest. Lestat—golden hair gleaming in the artificial light. Eyes on the camera, on Louis where he stood a safe distance away beyond the lens. Pink mouth slightly parted just so, just so…

Lestat walked out not a minute after Louis and was instantly surrounded by a horde of people. His tour manager, his agent, Daniel Molloy, a handful of nondescript faces attached to bodies Louis didn’t know. Lestat scowled and waved them all away from him at once, muttering his annoyance under his breath in French.

Lestat’s whole body swayed as he walked. Pants sitting low on his hips. Hips like weapons, swell of his ass like a homing beacon. And Louis almost forced himself to look away when Lestat stopped, and turned back. And met Louis’ gaze across the distance. His eyes lined in smudgy black lighting up in exactly the way they’d been when Louis viewed him through the lens of his camera moments ago. Mouth quirking up in a secret smile meant for Louis and Louis alone.

Louis smiled back, couldn’t help it. Stomach doing some truly impressive acrobatics when Lestat turned away and disappeared in the direction of the stage. He was grateful for the wall for reminding his body to stay upright. He forced a breath, was just about to turn his eyes back to his camera when the muffled conversation two roadies were having over by the loading bay invaded his senses.

“Did you see what he’s wearing now?” Roadie Number One asked with a self-satisfied little laugh. The sound of it was instantly grating. It was such a pompously human sound. “For fuck’s sake, man.”

“Like I said before,” Roadie Number Two offered in a casual, gravelly tone. One hand on a flight case, the other fiddling with the cigarette he had tucked behind his ear. “The whole fruit basket, that one. Talk about shoving it in your face.”

Louis tipped his head to one side. Watched them both with big unblinking eyes as they started moving down the hall in the direction of the stage. His pulse beating slow and steady inside him. Moving the blood through his veins at a calculating, almost predatory pace.

—

After the show, backstage was the usual chaos. A sea of people and their sounds. Lestat’s team, his band, his groupies. Equipment being rushed back out the way it had come in. And though Louis had been standing just off stage and watched with his own two eyes as Lestat made his exit following his second encore. Had snapped one final picture in the split second before Lestat passed by and their hands—very intentionally, on Lestat’s part at least—brushed together. Suddenly, Lestat was nowhere to be found.

Louis screwed the lens from his camera, tucked everything away in his case and slung the strap over his shoulder. The moment he lifted his head, he saw them. Roadie One and Roadie Two. And hunger grumbled deep inside him. And it dawned on Louis all at once that he’d been so busy tonight he hadn’t actually fed.

He could have just let it go. He should have. Human beings—what did they matter? But Lestat wasn’t around and the thought that he was off with some groupie getting his dick wet pissed him off just enough for the hunger to spur him forward. He moved without even thinking to, and in a blink he was standing in front of Roadie Number Two. Crowding him against the flight case he’d been hauling. So close their noses nearly touched.

“Hello,” Louis said. Roadie Two’s eyes went wide as two big moons. “I have a question for you—”

“Hey, man, what the f—”

Louis choked off the man’s voice with a thought at once. Vampiric power working like a hand around his throat.

“Don’t be rude when your elders are speaking.” Louis took a single calculated step back. Roadie Two was trembling in his black jeans. Louis didn’t even have to hold him in place. Frozen with terror, the man couldn’t move. And Louis grinned. “Now—my question. And I do think you of all people can help me with this one.”

Louis listened to the tangle of thoughts in his head. A litany of curses. An endless slew of fear and dark and what the fuck what the fuck. People were rushing all around them. Louis thought, distantly—maybe—that Daniel was saying his name.

“Do you happen to know where I might find a fruit basket in this city?”

Louis laughed, a dark and wobbling sound. The hunger had him by the belly. He had to fight against his fangs to keep them from popping out.

There were tears in Roadie Two’s wide moon eyes that didn’t blink. He found the strength to reach up with one hand and paw uselessly at his own throat. Thick rasping sounds falling out of it as he fought against the Dark Gift’s suppression of his breath.

Louis laughed again.

“Yeah,” Louis said, and tipped his head to one side. And watched the artery throb with blood on the side of the roadie’s thick neck. “That’s what I thought. Not so easy to get those smartass words of yours out now, is it? You know, next time maybe you should try sayin’ that shit to—”

“Louis.”

Lestat. Behind him. Heartbeat like a siren. Warm, gushing sound of life like a song inside his veins. Louis’ mind stumbled over itself for a fraction of a second and he lost his hold on Roadie Two’s throat. And the man crumbled down to his knees in a coughing fit in an instant.

“Louis,” Lestat said again. And Louis spun around. And—

Smudged eyeliner. Pink mouth. Golden hair skimming bare shoulders. At some point between the stage and right then, Lestat had lost his shirt.

“Lestat.” Louis straightened his neck, gripped the strap of his camera case just to have something to hold onto. His heart was beating wildly in his chest and he knew Lestat could hear it. “Hey, uh, so—”

“Cheri, I know you’re hungry, but I believe it would be ill-advised to eat the roadies.”

Louis drew a breath, huffed it out, distantly aware that Roadie Two was half-crawling, half-running away behind him. “Wasn’t gonna eat him. Just—” He huffed another breath. “And please don’t call me—”

“You were sticking up for me.”

Smudged eyeliner. Blue eyes shining in those messy rings of black. Louis’ heartbeat was a kick pedal drum inside his chest.

“Just didn’t care for his tone, is all.” Louis tried for casual, but the words came out all wrong. Like suddenly he was the one being choked. “He said—”

“I know what he said, cheri.” One corner of Lestat’s mouth twitched, amused and annoyed all at once. “Excusez-moi—Louis.” Head tipped to one side. Eyes sweeping appraisingly over Louis’ face, down to his chest. Blue eyes limned in so much black. “They always say these things. The two of them. Like school boys. They cannot help that they are wildly attracted to me.”

At that—Louis instantly started to laugh. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”

Smudged eyeliner. Leaning close. Lestat put his hand on Louis’ shoulder. “Well, yes,” he said very quietly. Voice a husky rumble pouring from his throat. “That is what they tell me.”

Warm breath on Louis’ neck. Lestat pulled back, and all the people rushing around them suddenly melted away. And it was just the two of them. And there was a glint in Lestat’s eyes like he’d just won a game neither of them had even realized they were playing. Or that they’d both been playing with their whole chests, and now their chests were caving in. And the game was over.

And Lestat was clutching the prize with both hands.

And Louis was going to let him have it.

“Yeah, so—anyway.” Louis took a slow, deep breath. Slowly, slowly let it come rushing back out. He begged his heart to stop selling him out and to settle. “I’m starving. You wanna hunt?”

Smudged eyeliner. Pink mouth falling open with just the tiniest hint of his fangs poking out. “I would love to hunt with you, cheri,” Lestat said.

[lincolndjarin]

i didnt realize we hit 1500 until just now :,)

thank you all so much, ily ily ily, i love sharing my writing with you all and im so excited for whats to come. i dont have anything special planned as a milestone celebration so instead of that i will post a section of the din series ive been planning lol

me when its time to write another enemies to lovers slow burn forced proximity din djarin fic with religious undertones ^

just uhh for context btw im not gonna post many spoilers or other teasers for this but its important to the sneak peek that yall know that reader is a cyborg in this. a good chunk of the right side of her body has been replaced with robotics so yeah and din is a real dick about it lmao. enjoy !

⚙️

“I don’t travel with droids.” His voice reminds you of Boba’s when he wears that ridiculous helmet of his. Cold and hollow, more metal than man.

Boba sounds almost defensive of you when he speaks again. You can picture him leaning forward in his chair, the way he does when someone snaps at him. “She’s not a droid.”

“How much of it is even human?” You can’t help but flinch at that, no ones ever spoken about you in such a manner before. No one with a brain would disrespect someone like “Lord Fett” like that.

“She’s not an it.” Fennec speaks for the first time since all of this started, her voice is a hiss you’ve never been on the receiving end of before but you’ve heard her snarl at others before, slavers and other scum who come seeking a boon. You always wondered why such monsters would dare show their faces here, of course Boba dealt in criminal activity but never with people that foul. They often came seeking a Lord Fortuna, and were instead met with the barrel of Fennec’s rifle.

You can’t help but wonder if this “friend of Boba’s” is going to meet the same end. Both of them said they knew him well when he arrived but now they speak to him like the stranger that you know him as. A rude stranger.

The silence that follows is long, you can’t help but wonder if Fennec really did draw her weapon, before you can bring yourself to sneak a look around the corner you hear the all too familiar throat clearing noise that Boba makes before coming to a verdict.

“Look, either she watches the kid here, or she watches the kid with you. Either way she’s going to be involved, you just need to decide if you want to be there to keep an eye on her.” He always says everything with an air of finality, no wonder no one ever debates his decisions. The stranger barely has a chance to sigh before Boba continues. “No one trustworthy on Tatooine is going to take a babysitting gig for what you’re willing to pay.”

“I can’t afford anything more.” He’s furious. Even through the voice modulator you can hear that he’s trying not to lose his cool, but there’s an edge of desperation hiding under his anger.

“She’ll work for free. I’ll even cover her expenses.” You know Boba would do anything for you but this just seems like a bit much. He’s negotiating as if this man didn’t come to him asking for help.

“You want to get rid of her that badly?” Ouch. Rude and presumptuous.

“The last thing I want to do is lose her. That’s why I’m sending her with you.” You don’t doubt that. He’s proven to you enough how much you mean to him, even when he had no reason to.

“Sounds like you’ve made the decision for me.” Sounds like he made the decision for you as well. Has he even considered that you don’t want to go with him? Your desire to see the galaxy is fizzling out the more you think about having to travel with someone who doesn’t even see you as a person.

Another beat of that silence, dripping with tension before Boba takes control of the conversation once more. “She can’t stay here forever. I promised her she’d get to see someplace other than this dusty floating rock. They need me here. They need Fennec here. There aren’t many I would trust to do this but I know she’ll be safest with you. So take her or don’t, but you aren’t going to find anyone else to watch the kid for what you’re offering.”

“Find someone else.”

“There isn’t anyone else.” His patience is wearing thin. You know him well enough to know that he’s likely to snap soon. “You’re not the only one who’s trying to keep their family safe.” The authority in his tone reminds you of the exact reason no one ever argues with Boba.

Not even rude strangers who come bearing absurd demands and who claim to be friends.

“Fine.”

[preciouslittle-bhaalbabe]

Real question, how do you balance playing the game versus getting the photographic stuff ready like picking clothes and organizing cutscenes etc? I can't seem to keep track of both, it's like I get lost in my mods or lost in the infinite side quests and forget what I'm doing.

This is exactly why I spend almost 50 hours in act I still lol

I love taking pictures and just wandering around. But I also have spent over 1500 hours in this game so I've beaten it enough to where I'm content just floating through. As long as you're having fun don't concern yourself too much with "balance".

[drev-the-procrastinator]

I would like to know more about the fish in your profile pic. :)

oh!!! of course!!! gladly :) here's a full picture of the little fella:

so this guy's a Perca fluviatilis, or European perch, or just a perch, or in Finnish, ahven!

It's a predatory fish that lives in both fresh and brackish water, so here in Finland, dotted with over 180 000 lakes (albeit most are very small) and surrounded by the brackish waters of the Baltic Sea (or Itämeri in Finnish, which is funny because it means the East Sea even though from Finland said sea is to the west, but it's a direct translation from Swedish, to whom it is in the east lol anyway), it's a very common fish. In fact, it's the most common fish in Finland! There are a lot of little lakes and ponds in which it might be the only fish. It's also the national fish of Finland!

The important characteristics are the red (or really orange usually) fins and tail, the darker stripes, and the spikey dorsal fin, with the little black dot at the end towards the tail. In some of the darkwater lakes they can get almost black, though, so the stripes aren't always visible, but for example in the sea, where the water is clearer, you can see them well.

They can grow pretty big, but are usually 15-30 cm and weigh at most something like 350 grams, though occasionally bigger fish are found. When it comes to people who fish for fun, and not like, with big ships, the perch is the most commonly fished fish in Finland, I think? They can also withstand waters quite a lot acidic than most Finnish fish, which contributes to them living in tiny bog ponds as the only fish in there. Mostly they live in Europe (aside from Spain and Italy) and all the way to the Kolyma River in the Russian far east, but they've been planted in places such as Australia, New Zealand/Aotearoa, South Africa and even China I think? Where they're endangering the native fish species :[ so that's not good

They're pretty curious little fishies! They live in schools of fish during the day and look for food together, but at night they rest on their own at the bottom of the body of water they live in. A few times, when I've gone swimming in a lake with clear water, I've spotted them in the shallow water rather close to people swimming, and when I stayed in place for long enough they came really close a few times! I could've almost touched them, but they're also really fast, so they would've (and probably did) sprint away.

I've caught them a few times, but the ones I've fished have been too small so I've let them go. When my dad's side of the family used to have the cottage in the archipelago my mom has now, my grandparents used to put out the fishing nets (I helped a few times as well!) and then in the morning I'd help take the fishes out of the net, and there'd be perch there pretty often. I've also filleted these fish, and eaten them haha. My favorite is perch covered in flour and fried in butter, served with mashed potato! But most of all I do like just watching them :)

A couple more fun facts! They have a sharp boney spike at the edge of their gill cover, so you have to be careful when you hold them for example taking it off a hook! And the spikes on their back! They're very spiky fish :D

The word for ahven here in Russian is окунь, okun', which according to a version of the etymology, comes from the old word for eye, oko. In Finnish, ahven is pretty close to the reconstructed Proto-Finnic form *ahvën, but we don't know what the etymology for that is! The name for the fish is really similar in most Finnic languages though:

Lastly, the Finnish name for the big island and autonomous region of Åland is Ahvenanmaa, with ahvena being a dialectal form of ahven, and thus the name is like, the land of the perch :) It might come from the fact that in the 1500s, the people from there paid their taxes in perch? The etymology on that one is a little unlcear still! Just a fun little fact. :)

Here's a picture of a little ahven I took in 2018!

I just really like them :) ahven my beloved <3 <3 <3

[clair0se]

Hi! I don't think I'm a bot. I click those I'm not a robot things. Bots aren't supposed to be able to do that I don't think. What does💧🕳️ mean? I have truly no idea. Do you like Celeste? Are you trans? Your blog header thing says "TRANS!!" so I assume so. Do you have cat(s)? If so, can I see? Have a great day please!

clicking the i'm not a robot things is is a pretty good indication of not being a robot! 💧🕳️ was supposed to mean "well" because i was copying the format of your ask to answer and you said well and i wanted to be silly but there was no well emoji. i do like celeste! a lot actually! i have just over 1500 hours in it and i'm currently working on a t0 golden lmao. i am trans! wahoo!! i've even been on hrt for like, Almost 10 months which is genuinely crazy and has been super awesome for me. and i do have cats! 3 of them! and they all hate me 😭😭😭😭😭 i'll take pictures of them once i get back from work and post them lol.

thanks for the anon :D you seem neato and i hope you have a good day too c:

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, JANUARY 31, 2016 Going to attempt to start updating what’s turned out to be a nightmare of a trip so far. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and then some! I, along with some other cruisers, am recovering from a nasty heat stroke.

Before leaving the hotel in Fort Lauderdale, I updated on Facebook, Twitter, and texted Aly. We’ve been Internet-cursed all the way, not that we absolutely need to get online. But the hotel’s wasn’t working and I doubt it would have been all that safe and secure if it had been. The ship’s Wi-Fi has been out as well. On top of that, we forgot to pack my laptop’s charger, couldn’t purchase one onboard, and so my battery, which is currently at 62%, probably won’t survive the rest of the trip.

So here’s the story. We hung out in our room for a few hours, then headed toward the front of the hotel to await the free shuttle that takes people to both the dock and the airport. However, there were so many damn people and the shuttles were taking forever, so we grabbed a cab. Before leaving we talked with a few really nice women and a black guy who was sailing on a much smaller ship we’d never heard of. It was called something like AIDA vita.

The women said I sounded and looked like someone they knew named Brenda, also from the northeast. Yeah, all these years later, I still sound northeastern, LOL.

There were so many damn motorcycles blasting by as well and I could tell that others found it just as annoying. I wish they’d ban the damn things nationwide, especially the thunderously loud ones.

It took us nearly a half-hour to arrive at Port Everglades. “ID’s ready,” said the (Jamaican) cabby as we approached the port, and we then showed our passports to a security guard who asked if we had any weapons. Do they really expect any potential criminals to admit it if they did? LOL

Then he goes, “Who’s the weapon here?”

I laughed and said I was. Tom was confused at first, though, as he’s not used to security guards joking. Usually, they’re all serious and businesslike.

So we get to the port and I thought that just like when we sailed the Westerdam (we saw it docked next to our ship), we would just go into a large room where people “zig-zagged” their way to where they take your picture for your ID/room card after taking your boarding pass and checking your passports and all that fun stuff. I figured at most the whole process would take about an hour.

Wrong! Very wrong.

Instead, we were caught up in a 4-hour nightmare. Not only will we NEVER cruise the highly disorganized, greedy Royal Caribbean ships again, but we’ll never cruise again period! One couple said they’d cruised 14 times and this was the first time what we went through ever happened, but I think we’ll still stick to solid ground and airplanes in the future be it Hawaii, Jamaica, Greece… wherever we go.

Because the ship holds over 4K people instead of the 1500 or so the Westerdam holds, the room where you check in simply isn’t big enough to loop lines of people to accommodate everyone. Therefore, the line extended outdoors and pretty much wrapped around the building. This macho, loud-mouthed security guard made us form loops around certain areas. This meant that a lot of us were exposed to the sun depending on where we were within the line.

We were kind of in this large alley where one of the Princess ships was docked right across from the Independence of the Seas that we’re on, and I was gazing at it, sorry we hadn’t gone with them instead like we almost did.

We also saw the Oasis, which is RC’s largest ship. Thank God we didn’t go on that! There are way too many people on this ship as it is. Just waiting for a chance to get on one of the elevators can be quite a task, and some of these people walk as slow as Californians drive.

I have seen people from every race, color and country imaginable and got to use my Spanish twice. I thought most of the people would be older, but there’s a diverse variety of ages as well as cultures… white, black, Hispanic, Asian, Muslim, etc. The couple next to us is Hungarian. It was neat to be able to hear so many different languages spoken around me, and I could understand some, of course. We all got along just fine and it’s sad that the media still exploits and portrays some people as victims when the vast majority of people have no problem with them, and they have just as much freedom and opportunity as anyone else. Maybe even more. I guess it’s just “popular.”

Back to the nightmare. I’m standing out in the sunlight and wishing to hell I hadn’t forgotten my light pink cap with the shiny sparkles. The top of my head where my hair parts, as well as my face and chest began to fry. Tom, being a head taller than me, tried to block me from the sun as he is more tolerant to it having grown up in Arizona, and was smart enough to hydrate himself with plenty of water beforehand. Had I known the damn ship’s computers and scanners were going to cause a delay, along with something pertaining to immigration, I’d have watered up, too. But there was no way to anticipate this shit.

The minutes turned into hours. My feet began to blister. People began to try to cut ahead in line. Some even began to shout and I didn’t know if they were going to start fighting or what. One of the idiot crewmembers told us 2 hours before we embarked that were finally boarding, inciting a round of cheers all for nothing.

I started feeling worse. I was hot, weak and dizzy, like I was going to pass out. I finally ran down to the bathroom, which I was afraid to do at first because I didn’t want to lose Tom in the crowd if God forbid the line actually started moving. But I eventually had no choice and I ran for it only to find that the water fountains were fucking broken. I complained to one of the security guards but they pretty much didn’t give a shit or do anything to help me.

I then ran into the bathroom, heart booming up a storm, and struggled to run water in the sink which had a motion sensor. I couldn’t get the damn thing started and it would only run for a few seconds at a time. I have come to pretty much hate anything motion-censored! I finally managed to bend over and get a few sips of water into my rapidly dehydrating body.

Then I ran back through the searing sun to find Tom, which wasn’t hard. The line hadn’t moved and so he wasn’t in one of the inner loops of people, which would have made it much harder for me to spot him as I would have had to struggle to see over people’s heads as short as I am, and then squeeze through the crowd to get to him.

I really thought that after experiencing a cold winter in NorCal I would enjoy soaking up the sun, but instead, it soaked me up. I hoped I’d be okay and that we’d board soon, but instead the line remained still and I began to pass out. Several people were kind enough to make way for me to sit down on a curbside. I was forever grateful but also feeling too shitty to care about the scene I knew I was making.

A middle-aged woman stepped forward and advised me to put my head down between my knees, saying she was trained in first aid, CPR and other things. If that didn’t help, she’d have had me lie down while she held my feet up. But it did help enough.

Then someone else handed me a bottle of water as well as a banana and that helped even more. Again, I was thankful as hell. I was so damn dehydrated that when I overheated my body couldn’t even sweat to cool me down. I will never forgive Royal Bastards for this, and yes, I am going after them. I learned the hard way years ago… turn the other cheek and you’re giving people the wrong idea. In other words, you’re saying it’s okay to screw you over, intentional or not, and they most certainly will if they can.

I wasn’t the only one to suffer a heat stroke. Oh no. Far from it. Paramedics came for someone else, but they must have recovered because they didn’t take them away.

Finally, Tom decided we should get out of line and stay in the shade. Then we would jump in at the very end of the line if that time ever finally arrived. Thank God he at least stayed hydrated and with it as I never would’ve thought of this. By that time I’d “gone Dureen.” Well, heatstrokes sure do leave you confused and disoriented so now I really get why they call them heatstrokes.

Many people called and bitched to the cruise line and a couple of crewmembers finally came and passed out bottles of water to people, including some Broward County police officers that I guess must have been called to the scene. Pretty sad that it took two hours for the crew members to care enough to offer water, while it took just two seconds for someone to hand me a bottle of water AND a banana which they very well may later have come to regret giving me since it took so long. I hope not, though! Especially since the other passengers cared more than the crew.

We went around the corner of the building where several carts containing our luggage stood and saw some guy finally dragging fences to set up rows for people to stand in who were out of the sun.

After what seemed like an eternity, the seemingly endless line of people finally ended and we were FINALLY indoors! After checking in we walked up the tilted gangway and onto the ship and I thought of how hard that would be for Tammy. Not only did a part of me wish I could grab our money back in one hand and our luggage in the other and just forget it, but I remembered how she said she and Mark wanted to go on a cruise. Personally, with her health issues, I think that would be a bit much for her. Even on a smaller ship you still have a lot of walking to do.

This isn’t the end of the shit we’ve had to deal with. I’m just too out of it to write anymore right now.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 30, 2016 Got up a little after 3am and am typing this from the hotel. Am I tired? Well, of course, even though I didn’t sleep any worse than usual. I think I am just permanently tired for life.

The “free” Wi-Fi here doesn’t work, so I’m not going to check in online anywhere. I’ll wait till we’re on the ship.

Going in order of events… we dove under Mississippi and Alabama and crossed the Gulf of Mexico and then into Florida. I wished I were telepathic so I could mentally send a message to Tammy saying, “I’m here, big sis! I’m here!”

The two things I saw most of were water and palm trees. We flew over these swampy marshes that probably housed who knows how many alligators.

Using tongs, the flight attendant gave us warm washcloths to wash up with before eating. We noticed brown spots on ours and decided we weren’t interested in “cleanliness” after all. Then the girl returns to say, “Those weren’t dirty, they just had coffee spilled on them.”

After she was out of earshot Tom and I laughed at that one. Coffee spilled all over them doesn’t make them “dirty?” It was a hilarious thing to say, not that it mattered. We weren’t these filthy creatures in need of a washcloth bath in the first place, haha. Still, Alaska Airlines was more organized than United.

We got some better snacks on this flight, though. I loved the mix of cashews and almonds, and since Tom hates nuts, I saved some for this morning. Well, I had to wait 30 minutes after taking my damn thyroid meds. The hotel’s restaurant opens in 15 minutes. Hopefully the food and coffee will help perk me up.

The best snack that we both liked was a warm chocolate chip cookie that was both crispy and soft.

From what I noticed, we got as fast as 661 MPH and as high as 38,613 feet. Upon landing, the pilot headed out over the ocean, turned around, and then landed. For a minute I was like, “Yo buddy, you just passed Florida!”

If it weren’t for seatbelts, I would be thrown right outa my seat upon landing. Fat or not, I’m still lighter and shorter than most adults.

Florida is surprisingly cool and dry at just 55°. This is not the Florida I know and remember from the 3 times I was here in the past, twice seeing my parents, once going cruising.

WTF?

I’m not moving here if it’s going to be too much like Sacramento. In that case, we may as well just shoot on over the border into the Nevada desert when he retires and save money that way since it’s cheaper there than Cali.

The area around the airport seemed rather shabby. Lots of rundown homes and businesses.

Later…

Breakfast took place in a too-loud sports bar with blasting TVs all around the room, and a waitress who spoke loudly with one of the just as loud customers. Tom got an omelet and I got eggs with a chopped steak, home fries, and buttery rye toast. I’d give it about a 7. Sorry, but Denny’s is better.

Anyway, we shuttled here to the Red Carpet Inn, even though there isn’t a stitch of carpet in the room. It’s just a ceramic tile floor. The room is kind of small, though not too small, but it kind of smells like wet towels in here. The shower isn’t the greatest because the water barely gets hot, but the bed is super comfy. Tom thought it was a bit soft, but I liked it.

After hearing a motorcycle roar out in the evening and someone’s chair scraping across the floor, I thought I wouldn’t get much sleep, but I didn’t sleep any worse than usual. We’re on the end and semis have been idling alongside one wall, though they don’t bother me

For now, we just sit and wait till we shuttle off to the dock!

I suppose I should get caught up on my dreams until then before I forget them and my notes no longer make sense to me. Last night I was talking to Andy on the phone and I was reminded of his selfishness as he never cared to ask about where I was or how I was enjoying my trip.

The dream I had before we left was the first dream I had of the black bitch in Arizona that was, well, different. Usually, any dreams involving her are negative and she’s trying to screw me all over again and I’m powerless to do a damn thing about it. Yet in the dream, I found her to be amazingly beautiful instead of the uglier than fuck piece of shit she really is. I also forgave her, unlike I ever would or could be willing to do, and she seemed to be over my supposed “victimization” of her.

We were staying in a hotel somewhere and some fellow black she knew stopped by the room at some point. Laughing, she said something funny about him to me, and I said something about going lesbian, dropping hints that I was liberal, open-minded, and perhaps interested in some fun.

They then asked if I wanted to join them for a bite to eat as I was looking for a bag of coins I had somewhere. I said I wasn’t hungry and asked where my bag of change was.

Then I was alone in the room, realized it was noon, and that it was time for me to get to a dance class I had signed up for. I stepped out of the room and into the chilly air, sorry that I was sleeveless, and began to walk alongside some black guy. In my mind, I wished I could be seen walking with him by all those I’ve ever known for some strange reason.

What else… apparently Becky is being taunted for her weight based on the posts she’s made. Let me guess… one of those bullies is none other than the lovely Bill G, right?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29, 2016 Greetings from United Airlines! As always, I’ll post this online when I can.

How wonderful it is to fly with a laptop to write on instead of a notebook. The only problem is that I’m not used to this keyboard so I may make several typos.

We’re about 100 miles from Albuquerque right now after flying over parts of Nevada and Arizona. All I see below me are snow-capped mountains. Things are browner down there than they were earlier in the flight and the snow is thinning out. I see more of civilization down there now that we’re past the Sierra Nevada mountain ranges.

Although the plane is said to have Wi-Fi, we didn’t feel it was worth paying for. There are supposed to be outlets for charging things, but I have a full battery. I just wish it were easier to type on this thing!

I posted to Facebook from the airport from my phone.

It was exciting in those final moments before leaving the house. We turned the water off and waited in the driveway for Super Shuttle. It was drizzling and chilly. Anyone looking out their window would’ve thought I lost my mind with the way I was happily twirling around singing part of Napoleon’s song, “They’re coming to take us away, ha ha, hee hee, ho ho.”

Saw Bob trimming our tree the day before we left, and had some nervous butterflies right before we left, but none since then. Wish it could always be that way.

We took off in the dark and had many patches of clouds to go through, causing turbulence. Takeoff was exciting as hell and I shed a few tears of anticipation in seeing Tammy in a few days.

We didn’t want to take the Caddy in case all its fancy gadgets drained the battery and caused us to need to jump it. We’d rather jump it in our driveway than at the airport.

Looks like the guy in front of me – well, in front of Tom – also has a MacBook Air. How appropriate for first-class, huh? It’s lovely being up here with all the other “rich snobs.” Tom and I joke about that. I mean it kinda makes you feel rich.

Tom was right… he hated what they served for breakfast except for a nice tasty buttery bun that was actually the best part of the meal. The oatmeal was bland as hell, but I had some fruit and a few bites of yogurt. I was served a cup of much-needed coffee after boarding but before taking off. That’s one of the perks of first class; drinks before takeoff as well as after. He had soda.

We’ll be arriving in Houston in a couple of hours. Just wish I were a little more awake. But when you’ve got PMS fatigue and you didn’t sleep without waking up a million times along the way, it’ll make you tired.

Other than Tom spilling his drink on me, I’m just kicking back and waiting till we land. Because I’m tired I’ll be sure to have a second cup of coffee on the next flight to Florida. I’m going to be exhausted by the time we arrive at our hotel. I just hope I can sleep when I need to. Rowdy kids or not, drunk adults or not, I know all too well just how much people like to slam doors and other shit.

Later…

Signing in once again from the friendly skies now on the way to Ft. Lauderdale. No offense to you Texans, but you sure do have some of the brownest, muddiest-looking bodies of water, LOL.

As we waited in Houston, Tom said he never feels like he’s in another place when he travels. Me neither. Maybe that’s because we’re such well-traveled people. Besides, you find the same things no matter where you go… hotels, stores, restaurants, hospitals, etc.

At the Houston airport, we got breakfast sandwiches, since we were both hungry. Tom said that if he didn’t get something there, then with his luck they’d really have something he hated for lunch on the plane.

I checked in on Facebook and texted Aly while on the ground, too.

The flight attendant just asked us if we wanted blankets. I passed. Funny how they offer them on this flight where it’s a little warmer. It was 43° when we left Sac Int’l. I think it was 55° in Houston.

As always, taking off and landing was fun. Very loud, but fun. Can’t believe it took them 45 minutes to board, though. That just seems silly. My ears have been popping like crazy, especially upon climbing and descending. We took off quicker this time and I watched the cars turn into little ants and then disappear altogether. This flight is 2 hours and 1 minute long. Lunch will be served soon. I’m beat and I just want to land and fall into bed! My butt is sore too. I already miss my gel cushion.

I love how this plane has a GPS thing in the back of the seat in front of me so I can watch the flight’s progress. We’re now going 560 MPH. We haven’t hit cruising altitude yet and are still at 28K feet. There’s a delay in updating its stats because it tried to tell us we took off at a speed of just 28 MPH.

We’re hitting turbulence now, but are now up over 30K feet. We’re over 600 MPH now, too. We’re skirting under the southern part of Louisiana.

Chicken and Swiss sandwiches are about to be served.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 28, 2016 Can’t believe I read 5 books so far this year, even if I really listened to them being read to me. Reading may not resume till after the trip, though.

Tammy had surgery the other day and has another procedure done on Monday. We’ll be in Mexico that day. Hopefully, this will help finally end some of her pain issues!

As for those evil butterflies that live in my chest just above my tummy… they’ve been mild but annoying. They come and go. Stacey’s trick still helps, but I really wish they’d sign off for good.

When a friend who’s two years younger said they didn’t have it too bad and has already gone through menopause, I said to myself, it totally figures! I’m happy for her, but leave it to me to get it the worst. It’s been horrible so far and definitely the worst medical experience of my life. Plus I still do have periods. I have a bad feeling I’m going to suffer more intensely than most for many more years to come.

In less than 30 hours we’ll be gone! We’ll be heading to the Sac airport before sunup and this may very well be my final entry before we leave. I want to save my writing for the plane anyway. I won’t be able to get online, of course, but it’s going to be a very long flight and I want to have things to do like writing and reading.

Tom’s last day of work was yesterday. He upgraded me to OS X El Capitan while I slept because Safari lost its mind. Also got one of the surveillance cameras up and running that’s trained on the back door. Today will be mostly a waiting game, but tomorrow we’ll really be bustling about getting those last-minute things done… and hoping we haven’t forgotten anything.

Okay, until I return, whenever that may be!!!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2016 Two days to go till take-off! Weeeeee!

So I got an email confirming that yes, I won not just 1, but all 5 Springfield dolls, Maria, Olivia, Madison, Abby & Emma. Although not very realistic looking, they’re cute 18” dolls, and it’s funny cuz I almost bought one of these.

The set includes a blue-eyed blond, a green-eyed redhead, a brown-eyed brunette, a black doll and a Hispanic doll. Where the hell I’m going to put them is beyond me at the moment, despite having a decent-sized house, LOL. As it is I already have an Asian doll of the same size, a blue-eyed redhead, and a green-eyed blond, only they’re made by different companies.

It’s a nice reminder, since returning to sweeping, that even though things have changed since 2005, people can and do still win these things.

A headline caught my attention yesterday about Thai airlines accepting tickets for dolls believed to be possessed by children’s spirits, and how snacks and stuff like that are bought for them, and I was not only LMAO at how silly this seems (to each their own, though), but I swear one of the dolls pictured is my Workout Chic doll by Adora. Mine just has short hair and a different outfit. She is a semi-expensive doll that is very lifelike and realistic at 22”.

Next time I shower I will remove my Fitbit till after vacation since I’m not going to be here to accumulate and log my weekly step goal anyway.

That’s it for now. Damn, I wish we could just pack up the rest of our stuff and go! NOW!

Later…

The other night I got to thinking about her. The piece of shit down in Arizona that ruined my life for years. And that of my husband.

For the longest time, I was afraid to even look in on her, not that I could stand to very often. The plan was to give it X amount of years and then have my final say about the email from the bogus cop. But then when I looked her up on Facebook I was surprised to find she’s not around anymore. I’m pretty sure I blocked her and left it that way. There’s always a chance that I unblocked her and forgot about it and then she turned around and blocked me, but I’m pretty sure I’ve had her blocked for the last 5 years.

As I said, I was afraid to even think of Googling her, but the day the law tries to screw me for looking up a person’s name is the day I really will be a seriously rich lady.

I also didn’t think she would block me because that’s not what vindictive people like her do. She would want me to contact her so she can hope to screw me again.

I did find an account of hers on Google+. To help her “case” from 2011 since the pigs supposedly subpoenaed my account info there? Either way, I can’t swear that it’s her because it was a shitty picture. This is the first picture I’ve seen of her without glasses if it was her, and she’s just as ugly as I remember her to be. She also looked drunk as hell.

If I was going to contact her I would want to do it in a way where I could get some kind of verification that she received the message and I don’t see how I could at this time. Not only that, but I realize she’s no longer worth getting the last word. This doesn’t mean I could ever forgive her or the others involved in screwing me, and this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t beat the shit out of her if she suddenly appeared at my door telling me to shut up as she did once upon a time. I’m just saying she isn’t worth the message, especially one she would never get anyway. Nothing anyone could say to her would get her to see herself for the true piece of shit she is, and it shouldn’t be my problem or my responsibility to hopelessly try to drive it through her sick head.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 26, 2016 If just the thought of running into my big sis’s arms tears me up, I can just imagine how emotional I’ll be when I actually get to do so in 9 days! jumps for joy Just 3 days till we trade Cali for the Caribbean, woohoo!

Surprised the excitement hasn’t been messing with my sleep, but it might the night before. It’ll be worth it, though. I’m flipping my schedule, which means right now I’m on half nights, half days.

Can’t wait to pack the rest of our stuff and go! Tom may add one more bag of clothes. Oh yeah, I forgot that we’re going to do laundry the night before, as we’ll want to take some things that are currently in the hamper. I’ll run the dishes then too, and just wash the few we may use by hand at the very last minute. We’ll be served breakfast on the plane, but I expect to be up hours before departure. Just the thought of going to the airport excites me. skips happily I love flying, and when you were 99% sure you were going to die of a heart attack 1.5 years ago, it makes it all the more special. I survived! And I will continue to do so no matter how much shit random fate (or an evil God) may toss my way. I just fling it right back. :)

The results of my cortisol lab tests came in and I was normal on two tests and on the low end of normal on the other two, which is good but at least does indicate something’s up hormone-wise. As in the perimenopause I wish my original team of doctors had been smart enough to recognize. As Tom said, I think that having been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, distracted them from focusing on that, thinking that my symptoms were all related to that. But my second Endo was smart enough to recognize that not everything is caused by the thyroid.

Going on levothyroxine definitely accelerated the peri, though, which to date remains my worst physical/emotional life experience. LOL, I never thought it’d be so intense. Just like I once thought thyroids were only responsible for weight, I thought menopause was just about hot flashes where you were dripping with sweat. I don’t usually drip sweat unless I am very active in a humid place. I had no idea, though, that there is actually a huge array of peri symptoms.

Sometimes it takes a second set of doctors and therapists to find real answers and relief for our symptoms. Not that my first PCP and therapist were “bad.” They just weren’t as knowledgeable and as helpful as my current ones. The only shitty doc was my first Endo.

The evil “butterflies” are minimal tonight, but I did have some last night. Last night wasn’t quite as bad as the night before, though. I’m still doing the emotional tapping exercises religiously, and have found that yogurt is as calming as tryptophan-rich foods.

Started the book Tweedledee and Tweedledum by Willow Rose. I like most of her books.

No more guilt. No more slacking off. I did a half-hour on the treadmill and then another half on the Bowflex. I had been a little lazy the last couple of days.

We tested the surveillance cameras. Their motion sensor so it’s not like they’re going to be filming all the time. One will be aimed at the front, the other aimed at the back, and one will look at the interior. You can watch almost the entire house from where we’re going to put it. I still think everything will be fine, but if the place does get hit, at least we have insurance. Meanwhile, our most valuable/important possessions will be with us… Our top devices, the wedding rings on our fingers, and our medications.

The only dreams I remember are just quick little flashes, as usual, of strange and senseless things. My butt was parked on a toilet I realized was the standard 14” in one, and then in another, I watched running water from some kind of flood (rainstorms?) sweep underneath a manufactured house with no skirting.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 24, 2016 Really, REALLY getting sick of Aly’s constant demands and expectations. The way she (although not intentionally) makes me feel guilty is rather insulting. She’s gonna lose me or make me wish she’d just dump me if she can’t remember that I can’t be everywhere at once. It isn’t that I don’t care. It isn’t that I’ve forgotten she’s in a shitty way. But I can’t be available 24fucking7! A little less selfishness and a little more consideration would be appreciated. :)

We all have tough times and it’s only natural to reach out to those we care about. But we still have to keep in mind that people need to live their own lives, too. Sometimes they need to sleep. Sometimes they need to do things, and well, I’m really getting sick and tired of having to remind her of this and if they don’t want to lose me, they should back off a bit and cut me some slack. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing either.

If I could make copies of myself, I would do so in a heartbeat! That way everyone I care about could have me around whenever they wanted/needed me. But I’m not a machine and I feel insulted when she makes it like I haven’t been there for her when I have. Every. Single. Day. It may not be in text form as she prefers but in some form or another.

As I told her, if I’m asleep or out running errands when you’re feeling down and out, please don’t assume it’s cuz I don’t give a shit, okay? :) That’s all I’m asking. Eventually, I’m going to get sick of feeling like I have to explain myself and I’m going to get sick of having to remind people that I can’t spend every waking moment socializing.

God, how’s she going to survive my vacation?!

Getting so excited as it gets down to just 4 days to go! I can already hear the plane’s engines revving and roaring in my head! Can’t wait!

Tom picked up some space bags that are really awesome and we might not need that third suitcase after all. Love how you don’t need a vacuum for them. You just stuff the clothes in, push the air out, and that’s it. They look like giant Ziploc bags and have 1-way valves. Great way to keep clean clothes separate from dirty ones, and to keep clean ones organized. I’ve got dresses in one bag, tops in another, and shorts and swimsuits in another. Socks, bras and undies can go in a side pocket. Tom’s clothes only required 1 bag instead of 3. LOL, typical male, huh?

Decided not to take the 3 pants/shirt sets I was going to take. The trip is 10 days and I have 15 days’ worth of clothes without them.

Woke up to a message from Tammy asking me to call her. She wanted to verify if we made hotel reservations and said that since we had to go by her place on the way there anyway, she wanted us to stop by because it would kill her to know we were so close yet hadn’t seen each other yet, LOL. I assured her we would stop by. We’re both super excited!

Won’t be meeting Mark until Sunday, however, because every year he meets his brother at a men’s retreat and this was planned long before we knew we were coming. So we’ll visit the 4th – 7th. On the 8th, I’ll be dragging my then no doubt exhausted ass out of bed right before check-out to jump on the plane home.

Again, I’m going to try to document at least quick little highlights of the journey as it unfolds, but may not get a chance to provide details. Then again, I may not get online at all. No guarantees.

Anxiety was a little more noticeable than it has been a while last night, but nothing catastrophic. It’s stable so far today. No doubt it’s tied into menopause. No doubt at all. Just wish I’d caught on sooner and that the Sutter “experts” had, too. Meanwhile, I’ve got my coping tools if it does pick up. Part of the trip excitement is probably fueling it, if not knowing I’ll be alone in the morning.

LMAO at the snow dumped all over New England. Not the accidents and the power outages, of course, but everything else. Poor little Andy.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 23, 2016 Had a dream that a serial killer was on the loose and I threatened to find them and kick the crap out of them, eyeing what was first a young, tall slender black woman. Then there was a group of guys that I guess were suspects, and I thought of a quick test that would exclude or convict the killer. Not sure what that was, though.

Forgot to mention yesterday that I won a cute 18” vinyl doll. If you Google Springfield Dolls, you’ll see them. I’m just not sure if I’m getting a set or only one doll. The picture showed 4 dolls, but it said there were to be 5 winners, and listed 5 doll names. I’m guessing, since the prize has an ARV of $22, that it’s just one doll.

Looks like we’re going to have to grab another suitcase before we go. If it were a 5-day trip instead of a 10-day trip, these two would be fine. It was fine for the week we spent in Maui two years ago, but when two people need to pack twice as many clothes and leave room for the stuff they buy along the way, additional space is needed.

Friday morning can’t come fast enough! This next week is going to go by sooo slowly. On the bright side, I’m eating anything I want for the next 15 days, but will still keep in shape for the trip. I’ll do a mix of the Bowflex and treadmill tonight. When I come back I’ll still be too old and too thyroid-cursed to lose weight, but I’ll definitely have no problem staying the same weight with sensible eating and working out.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 2016 Had a dream I killed some woman in her house. As I was leaving it, hoping to escape unseen, some woman pulled up in her car, got out, and asked, “Is she home?”

I shook my head and ran into the house across the street.

Fitbit logged Tom’s tree trimming as a sport, haha. He got 10K steps for the first time today. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. When you work at home you don’t always quite make it, even if you treadmill. Other than bustling about the house in preparation for the trip and doing laundry, I may skip exercising today. 5-6 days a week is enough.

Thanks for all the nice trip comments on my last entry. :) I will definitely not only write all about it but will create photo albums on Facebook and maybe even Photobucket in which I will provide links rather than embed each and every pic in my entries.

So far I have packed way more than I should need:

4 sleeveless tops

4 short sleeve tops

3 shirt/pant sets (all are long pants, but summery, with short sleeves)

6 dresses

3 pairs of shorts

1 cover-up for the pool

2 swimsuits

1 slip

1 light jacket (it gets nippy on the ship balcony at night)

2 pairs of flip-flops, 1 pair of wedge sandals with heels, purple glitter flats, aquatic shoes, and the sneakers I’ll be flying to and from airports in.

We’ll layover in Houston. Imagine if Molly knew just how close I’ll be. LMAO!

I basically have an unlimited supply of panties but only 8 bras. If we don’t do laundry on the ship, we’ll do it at Tammy’s, who we will be seeing on the 4th or 5th. Still not sure exactly which day, but I can’t wait!

Not taking any sleepwear since I prefer to sleep in just boy shorts. I can always jump up and throw a robe on (which will be provided for us) if someone comes to the door. Or better yet, just put the “do not disturb” sign out.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 21, 2016 It’s a good thing I woke up early because the Fitbit alarm I set never went off today. It did yesterday, though. Also, I couldn’t sync my phone to their website and had to reboot my phone. So with one successful alarm and one failure, I can’t say if it’s going to be reliable or not. I hope so because it’s really cool to be able to set alarms online and have it “vibe” me awake.

Yesterday Tom trimmed the bushes with large pruning sheers that almost look like giant metal cutters, and Bob came out to say hello. After a few minutes, he left saying, “Sometimes I’m just looking for things to do.”

LOL, yeah, I know. I hear it enough of the time. He’s Jesse minus the mutts and motorcycle. What the guy needs is a computer. :) Nonetheless, Tom told him he’s welcome to trim anything he wants, anytime. It shouldn’t wake me up when I’m sleeping even though these particular bushes are outside the bedroom window.

Got a bunch of stuff we ordered for the trip and wow! These new Nikon cameras are WAY better than my pink slower, ancient camera with fewer dots that we got in something like 2007. It was a nice camera while it lasted, but it’s nice to have better ones, and it’s great that we each got one (not the same exact kind) for if we’re off on our own somewhere and want to take pics. Mine will load pics to my computer wirelessly. :)

Eventually, I’ll strap one to my chest or something and film the house, me riding my bike around the park, and maybe even using the Bowflex.

Saw Stacey, and because I’m doing so much better she asked if I’d prefer to see her on an as-needed basis, or if I’d feel more comfortable knowing I had an appointment down the road. I chose to just call if I need her.

She was amazed at how much better I’m doing and said she’d let me know if she ever needed a testimonial, LOL. She’s a sweet lady, but I hope to never see her again in my life. Sadly, though, I can’t believe the anxiety is gone forever. Like I said before, perimenopause takes years. The question is if I’m now tough enough to cope on my own with the skills she taught me.

She’s a little older than me and said she doesn’t have as much anxiety as she used to. Just an occasional hot flash. If I never again go through anxiety half as bad that’ll be major progress! Every so often I feel like I’m creeping toward the edge so I grab a few bites of chicken and do the tricks she taught me.

I asked her if she ever checked out my blog and she said, “No, sorry.” I think what she really means is, “No, I’m not interested and never will be.” I just told her she wasn’t missing much.

After a half-hour with Stacey, we stopped at the Carl’s Jr. by our place and waited too long for my soggy, slippery, messy beer-battered cod burger, which I’ll never get again. There was way too much tartar sauce and lettuce with it. I’ll stick to burgers and fries, though we rarely do fast food anyway but maybe just once a month or so.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2016 I’m now 23% through the book Killing Me Softly by Bianca Sloane. I like it better than the last book that I finished last night.

Tom should be leaving work soon and then I guess we’ll either go out walking or bike riding for the first time in several weeks since it’s sunny and not too chilly out. It’s in the 60s. It’s supposed to be that way tomorrow too, when I see Stacey. I accidentally said I was seeing her today, but it’s actually tomorrow that we meet.

I’m so glad I haven’t had any anxiety – no racing hearts, no scary butterflies – since I saw her a couple of weeks ago, but I’m not ready to feel confident that it will never come back. All I can say is that I enjoy it immensely when I don’t have it.

Today’s Lisa’s 33rd birthday. Although there’s been no mention of it, I really hope she’s not at my sister’s place. I have no desire to deal with her after her rudeness in 2010. It wasn’t that what she did was oh so unforgivable; it was how loudly she smacked of Molly. Everything about what she did and how she went about it screamed of bipolar Molly, and I know she’s been diagnosed as bipolar in the past. I can’t deal with people like that. Melinda in jail was that way, too. Nice to you one minute, pissed off at you the next for nothing at all, and overly hyper the whole time. I can’t (and won’t) deal with that shit. Not saying she’s still that way, but I don’t want to just meet with her. I want to have a little heart-to-heart first and make it crystal clear that I won’t tolerate such rudeness and emotional drama. Instead of automatically accusing me of something she thinks she hears as Mary did, she needs to ask me first or stay out of my life.

My dreams have been so weird, vague and depressing that I haven’t shared them publicly lately. In one dream some woman was showing me a waterfall somewhere, and then her extremely white-faced daughter passed by and recognition clicked in a way that said they hadn’t seen each other in a long time but knew who they were. I could see the resemblance in the daughter’s face and knew the woman showing me the waterfall was her mother.

In another dream, I was either attacked or bullied while possibly at a pizza parlor. I don’t know who the attackers were, but they seemed young. There were a few of them, and I don’t know what they did to me. I just knew it would be pointless to report them for God had their backs all the way… just like always.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 19, 2016 Wrote down the dates that we’ll be gone on a Post-it for next door and walked it over. Both of them were home. Bob said it’d be no problem yanking in the trash bin for us since we’ll be leaving right after we put it out.

We’ll be testing the surveillance cameras this weekend, as they know, and assured me they’d call 911 if they saw anything suspicious. Again, we’re not expecting any trouble. People have come and gone on vacation in this park for decades without incident, even the houses at the park’s edges, particularly the ones that back up against wooded areas. Well, we’re not on the edge, and we’re in a high-traffic area with busy roads and houses all around us.

At one point I made the comment about wishing I’d caught whoever took my bike (I still think it was a worker or a visitor) and Virginia was all surprised like she was learning about it for the first time. At first I thought to myself, “Oops!”

So I told them where we were going when she asked, and then when Bob followed me outside I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t keep my big mouth shut if you didn’t want her to know about the bike,” and he assured me he did tell her and that it was just in one ear and out the other. Then when I thought about the last few times I talked to Virginia, it all made sense. She’s going Dureen. Poor Bob. Bob is very sharp-minded despite being 86 and a few years older than his wife, so it must be hard for him to deal with. Poor Virginia too, though she’s probably not aware that she’s losing it. It makes sense, though. One time she didn’t seem to recognize me right away, and well, everything is a little too funny.

“The lady on this side of us is cruising now, haha, and I didn’t know your bike was stolen. One should be able to just leave things right smack out front of their place if they want to, haha.”

So Bob led me in back and my first thought was that he was going to show me a section where the retaining wall busted with all the rain, but instead he showed me how a couple of our bushes, one being a camellia, was dangling over the wall and dropping blossoms and twigs onto his trash and recycle bins, and asked if he could trim them back.

I felt so bad as I had no idea it had sprung over the wall so quickly, but he understands how busy we are. I offered to pay him, but he said he didn’t mind trimming them at all and has his bins right there anyway. Unless Tom beats him to it tomorrow after work since it’ll be clearer then. Since he won’t be working as much OT, he expects to have more time to keep up on the landscaping.

There are WAY too many trees and plants for this lot! I’m guessing the lot size is something like 70’ long by 40’ wide yet we have a HUGE variety of shit on it. I guess the previous owners had nothing better to do but keep planting and planting away till they ran out of space. We’ve got an organ pipe cactus, aloe vera, Yuccas, that grassy-looking thing that’s sort of roundish, rosebushes, Cypress trees, a birch tree, African daisies, camellias, azaleas, and tons of other shit I can’t even name. I’m surprised there are no palms. If it were up to me, though, we’d just have a couple of palms and nothing but nice bright white gravel.

Will definitely get them a little something on our travels as a way of thanking them. I almost feel bad about being so annoyed by his saws and hammers, LOL. Going to take the addresses of some folks too, in case I send postcards, but the problem isn’t finding postcards so much as it is finding stamps. I wish they’d make more pre-stamped postcards, but just in case, I will be armed with addresses. :)

Outside he said, “You lost a lot of weight.”

Wow, really? The scale only says I’ve lost a few pounds, but I guess I definitely do “look” like I have as the bodybuilding re-sculpts my body that still has a long way to go yet probably will never get there. Yeah, Fitbit is already losing its excitement for me. Sort of, anyway. I realize I’m just as hungry increasing my workouts as I am decreasing my calories. Working out an hour or more a day makes me hungry as hell, but I like how I can eat all I want and get away with it.

Had a strange dream where Norma and Sharyn were showing me something they found that my mother had created when I was around 10 years old. It appeared to be a piece of celery in a wooden box with a glass cover. Inside of it, just above the celery, she’d written: Jodi’s kitchen diet.

I suddenly took off crying, feeling insulted by it, knowing it was a “creative” and “artistic” taunt about the extra weight I’d sometimes carry as a child. A part of me hoped one of them would come after me to comfort me, but they never did.

MONDAY, JANUARY 18, 2016 Didn’t like the book Windwood Farm, so I’m now reading The Broken Saint by Mike Markel and it’s okay. It’s a murder mystery. I’m at 48%.

Today’s nice and sunny for a change and we even made it into the 60s. Still too chilly for me, but you would think spring has sprung just by the bugs that are already starting to show up. It’s supposed to rain again tomorrow, but fortunately, it’ll be nice Thursday when I see Stacey. Just a little cloudy.

I have to cut my workouts down to about 20-30 minutes a day because any more than that is making me too hungry and causing me to sleep too long. It’s not like the extra activity makes me lose weight anyway. All it does this allow me to eat more and get away with it. This is why I probably won’t gain any weight on vacation.

Tomorrow night I will dye my hair and shave my legs. Wednesday I will request a lorazepam refill from Dr. A, and give our vacation dates to next door.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17, 2016 It’s been a very busy, but fun and active day. Can’t believe I got 1.5 hours of exercise, but I did. A half-hour on the Bowflex, a half-hour on the treadmill while I watched my show, then over 20 minutes breaking in my new sneakers. This doesn’t count walking through parking lots and stores either.

We only went to one store, actually. Just Payless. I got a pair of black women’s shoes in 5.5 that can be worn with both casual and dressy clothing. I like how the strap crosses the top of the foot at an angle. I swear Dr. A had an identical pair on the first time I saw her.

I also got a pair of girls’ sneakers in bright neon yellow with hot pink laces and accents. Now I have a little variety for running shoes as I still love my black ones with Velcro ties and hot pink soles.

The main reason we went there was to see if they had water shoes. We were going to go to a sporting store afterward but decided to order some from Amazon instead. We had to get a lot of stuff for the trip anyway. He got a couple of polo shirts and cargo shorts. Got a couple of cameras, too. One’s faster and has more pixels than the one we’ve been using for several years now, and the other is a cheap camera you can wear around your neck to film what you’re doing.

We got a case for the camera, a box of batteries, and protectors for both the laptop and Paperwhite. Got a memory card and a pouch to keep our phones and other devices safe and dry, a purple sleep mask with earplugs, and a goat. No, not a real goat, of course, but another figurine for my collection.

We want to wait till next week to tell next door we’re leaving, thus giving them less time to possibly mention that this house will be empty to the wrong person(s), however innocently it may be. We’re going to use our old phones to watch the front and back of the place. I’m still 99% sure the house will be fine, but after having my bike stolen, I’m reminded that anything’s possible.

We registered for the cruise online so we don’t have to spend as much time checking in right before we get on the ship. We had to provide passport info, and then we looked at packages, services and excursions.

Really wanted to rent a 2-seat speedboat for the day and go snorkeling and hanging on the beach, but he’s over the weight limit for the boat. We’re still not sure what we’re going to do for excursions and didn’t want to book them this far in advance. They sure do have a lot of dolphin swims down there. A dolphin swim would be okay, but we’re still more interested in snorkeling and maybe even scuba diving. In some cases, you have to be certified, but in others, they guide you through it.

Don’t know how well it will work or how often we’ll have a chance to use it, but for just over $100, we will have Internet access. As Tom said, it’ll be worth it just to load our pics to the cloud. I will try to keep my journal as up-to-date as possible, but there may be delays in posting entries. We’ll just have to wait and see. I might not check into social sites at all, though I think I can manage a few check-ins here and there. I just don’t want to do what we can do right here at home in our everyday lives unless it’s late at night and I can’t sleep or something.

I know I’ll want a manicure and a pedicure, but some of their massages sound a little disturbing, maybe even brutal, LOL. A deep tissue massage? And bamboo sticks and hot stones? Well, words may never hurt me, but aren’t sticks and stones supposed to still break our bones?

We’re also getting a soda package for $9 a day, but I passed on coffee and tea for a ridiculous $30 a day. I’m not big on tea, and I only have 1 cup of coffee a day.

We printed our luggage tags and prepared my spit to be sent to Oregon, LOL. That’s for the adrenaline test. They should get it on Wednesday.

As much as I know we need it, I’m getting sick of all this rain! I can just imagine all the mold growing in the walls of Jesse’s trailer by now, haha. I can’t wait to escape this cold, wet, dismal place!

Again my dreams were too vague to really make sense of. Something about me observing someone inquiring about a death certificate on me, and then me being in an elevator. I guess we were moving or something. Then Tom killed a big spider for me in an old creepy-looking place with dark walls.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 16, 2016 Just took a walk around the park with Tom. We took over 5K steps in 43 minutes. Only he burned 450 calories and I burned 240. No fair! That’s 10 per minute for him and only 6 for me. His maximum HR reached 115 and mine was 136, but only for a second. It mostly peaked at 125.

I love how I can set the phone on the treadmill and watch it count my steps as I run.

On the way back we passed Evie who was in her driveway and I introduced her to Tom. So that’s who lives in the long house on the corner of Astronaut and Tandy, huh? Bob and Virginia were heading up Oak Lakes too, and we waved to each other.

I’m doing that adrenaline test today and OMG, it’s not easy to spit half these tubes full! Thank God only half a tube is needed. It takes time to do. It took me 10 minutes to spit half of the large tube full. The other 3 are smaller. I feel like it’ll be $140 wasted, but at least that will be one more thing I can rule out if it comes back negative. We’ll mail it off tomorrow or Monday.

I hate not being able to wear lip balm/gloss. My lips are so damn dry. Can’t eat a couple of hours before each spitfest either. I did the 8am and noon tests, so at 4pm and 8pm, I’ll do the last two.

Finished listening to Eleven, Twelve… Dig and Delve by Willow Rose and now I’m reading/listening to Windwood Farm by Rebecca Patrick-Howard.

Later…

Aly continues to drive me crazy with her constant clinginess and cries for texting matches. I don’t know why tweets and emails aren’t just as good, but either way, I can’t be there any more than I already am. I can’t spend every waking moment texting with her unless she’s busy, sick or asleep, and I can’t make her problems go away, though I’m glad she’s giving Lexapro a try for her depression. That depression, so I’ve learned, could very well be one of the many symptoms she’s experiencing due to the blood cancer she’s got.

My heart totally breaks for her and I can understand how terrified, depressed and hopeless she must feel right now. She’s on the verge of the final stage of Chronic Myeloid Leukemia, which is rare. She may be allergic to the chemo pill she’s taking and may need a stem cell replacement, which isn’t covered by her insurance and is very expensive. She believes her odds aren’t good. But is that her emotions making her feel that way? Or are the odds truly against her? It’s hard to believe she could be dying, but people do still die of leukemia despite the advances in medicine.

Crazy Kim popped into mind as I was thinking how I might deactivate my Twitter account and create a new one if God forbid she did die as it would be sad not to use that account to check in with each other. I wondered if Kim was still obsessed with me, even though she’s been too afraid to contact me (maybe partly because her sister babysits her online activity?). Then I got curious enough to check her accounts from Tom’s accounts, realizing that’s how I would know for sure if she was following my activity since she’d block the account if she was. Sure enough, when I checked two of her many accounts, I found she had indeed blocked it.

I asked Aly if she mentioned me creating an account in his name to sweep from (which I deactivated, realizing I can just use my own), and told her that if she casually said something like, “Jodi’s going to Mexico,” that’s fine. But I don’t want any online activity or personal info given out. She swears she hasn’t said anything and this I do believe. So it proves that 6 years after dumping the loon she’s still acting like the victim she never was, and still assuming I care enough to read her tweets or contact her. I can’t stress it enough when I say I still want absolutely nothing to do with her and never will. She’s just too crazy, and I thought Andy was repetitive! She could have a million accounts easily accessible and I would never follow them or contact her. Yet she falsely flatters herself with her paranoid delusions and assumes that’s exactly what I’m going to do, thus risking my accounts. I would think that after so many blocks it could jeopardize one’s account.

She’s still paying attention to Aly’s followers and who she follows, no doubt, and is probably reading their tweets to each other as well. Aly doubts she reads my journal because she doesn’t read her stuff.

But she’s not obsessed with Aly either. Because they’re friends, of course she wouldn’t be interested. She’d only be interested in someone who’s dumped her and that she’s stalked and that she thinks may mention her. This will be kept private, of course. I’m not going to give the bitch the negative attention she craves. Again, I don’t fight with, spite or try to change and reason with people I dislike or don’t get along with. I simply avoid them.

Some people really never do change, though. She still has the wrong idea about me and obviously takes note of way more than I would’ve thought after all these years. To still be playing vicky vic after this long and paying attention to things that don’t concern her and that she shouldn’t be interested in is a bit disturbing. But in the end, it’s her problem and not mine.

I also thought of Molly. Molly, who wished Aly death when she was in her worst of stalking us both and Aly was dealing with breast cancer. Really hope the sick bitch doesn’t get her wish in the end, but between modern medicine and a lack of negative dreams pertaining to her (although I did have a dream she died a few years ago), I don’t think she will.

Decided to send Maliheh a message for 2016 and this is the first time I didn’t see her show up on my tracker afterward. I played the usual game of that she contacted me on Facebook and I couldn’t reply cuz the account disappeared, etc.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 2016 So Andy checked in on Ask. I could tell by the way he removed his cover photo. Figured he would at some point. Now he can see just how awful the new layout is. Just for kicks I reactivated, deleted all 8K questions/answers, then allowed for anonymous commenting while blocking him. Just curious to see if he contacts me anonymously, not that I’ll respond if he does.

I wasn’t going to do an entry today, but got all excited when I learned of Alexa’s newest trick. I LOVE how she can now read our Kindle books to us! We can alternate between her and the device. It’s nice to be read to while I color.

I have been incredibly lazy today otherwise. I tended to my online job, did the laundry and made up the grocery list, but I skipped aerobics class and haven’t touched the Bowflex or the treadmill. Some days I just want a day off, you know? No counting calories. No watching cholesterol. No watching sodium. No nothing. Just good old-fashioned laziness is all I want every now and then. Guess we all need a break at times.

I may decide to move my butt a little more later on. Right now I’m as blah as the weather and worried for Aly. They’re doing a biopsy on her because they’re pretty sure she does have leukemia. Research shows, however, that she has an excellent chance of survival.

Not much else to say. I can’t even remember my dreams from last night.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2016 I’m sick of coughing like a smoker! It’s getting better, but both of us are STILL coughing up remnants of our flu. Gonna skip next year’s flu shot. Why get one just to have flu-like symptoms the next day and then actually get the damn flu for real?

Unlike the last two days, I’m a lot less hungry as chicken definitely curbs hunger much better than pasta does. I have to remember to have more protein but stay away from meats high in cholesterol. I read that women do get hungrier with age as they lose estrogen. It’s a good thing I prefer meat to pasta then.

I don’t always bother to log my food on Fitbit since I’m not only not going to lose weight, but some things are hard to measure accurately. If I grab a pinch of sunflower seeds to sprinkle on my yogurt, it’s hard to say exactly how many calories that is. I suppose I could put more effort into measuring calories, but I really don’t want to bother.

Fitbit is amazing and the clubhouse ladies are wowed by it, too. It knows when I’m walking vs. doing aerobics, something I still can’t get used to. Didn’t know I’d be in for a crash course in dancing yesterday, too. LOL, yeah, Janice is eager to make a dancer out of me (other than the VERY different and less intricate kind I used to do), and took me aside after exercise class to demonstrate the Electric Slide and the Texas Waltz.

Afterward, Shirley, Claire and a few others wanted me to join them for coffee, something they traditionally do on Wednesdays, but I declined, wanting to limit my caffeine to one cup a day and that’s when I first get up.

Just as I was going to leave, it started pouring again. I made the comment to Janice that I told my husband on Skype this would happen to me, and she offered to drive me home, which was very nice of her, though the cold rain wouldn’t have killed me because I bundled up in the ski jacket I used to wear up in Oregon.

She knows Bob and Virginia really well and I guess Virginia used to attend the workouts.

Sure enough, as soon as we left the clubhouse, the rain eased up, and as soon as I jumped out of her car and into the house, out popped the sun.

I was going to skip class today to give my muscles a break. Since working on the Bowflex Tom can really see a difference, especially in my abs and lower back. I’m growing muscles I forgot I had since we haven’t owned a Bowflex in over a decade. I forget just how much pain bodybuilders go through, though it’s in a good way. I’ve probably gained 2-3 pounds in muscle. Decided not to skip, though, as I thought I felt those “butterflies” start to kick up and that it’d do me good to get out.

As I explained to Tammy, Stacey’s help along with the Lexapro resetting my brain’s serotonin to stop sending false signals telling me to be scared of absolutely nothing at all isn’t 100% foolproof. I still have Hashimoto’s and I’m still perimenopausing which means the anxiety is going to come and go.

Today we worked out to a video which got a little tricky for me at times. Again, I’m not used to aerobics.

Then Evie asked for my number and gave me hers, saying that they sometimes cancel class and all that. Yeah, but I’ll be hit or miss anyway, as I told her. They know we’re going on vacation in a couple of weeks, too. She said they also do prayer and of course there’s the line dancing they’ll never get me interested in. I prefer simple workouts. Not dancing. I’m athletic and muscular. Not skinny and graceful.

As for the prayer thing… I don’t know if there’s a God, but I know I don’t believe in prayer. If prayer couldn’t help those about to be killed by terrorists, why would it help little old me?

Okay, who’s talking? Amazon Echo? My phone? My laptop? My Tablet? My Fitbit? Somebody just said something somewhere. sighs Nothing like having so many devices you can’t keep track of what’s doing what!

We’re looking so forward to the trip. I can’t wait! We decided we don’t feel comfortable leaving the Caddy at the airport, so we’re probably going to go by Uber. We could ask next door, but that’d be a huge inconvenience for them that we don’t want to bother them with.

I’ve been up 7 hours and so far I’ve walked 7103 steps, traveled 2.75 miles, burned 938 calories, and my current heart rate is 86.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 13, 2016 Fitbit continues to be fun, but reality hasn’t changed. I’ll never lose weight. Not with the way I need 1500-2000 calories a day. 1200 every day for months in order to lose 20-30 pounds just won’t work for me. As it is I have been utterly famished the last two days for some reason. Probably due to my period, however wimpy it may be, and the increased activity. Hell, I woke up hungry as hell and I’m usually not ready to eat for a couple of hours after getting up. I’m trying to kill the hunger without stuffing myself silly.

The rain’s really coming down this morning and I might not go to the clubhouse for aerobics if it’s still going on at 7:30. Walking in the cold is one thing. Walking in the cold rain is another. I’ll hit the Bowflex either way.

Thanks to the 80-somethings I work out with, I’m learning the more intricate moves of aerobics as opposed to the simple and straightforward walking, running and strength training I’m used to doing. I learned what windmills, ice-skating and chorus lines are, LOL.

Janice and Claire were there, but this time Judy led the group and she did the best job, IMO. She didn’t blast the music too loud, and she called out the moves in a clear voice and went through them fluently without having to stop and struggle to remember them.

Joy went by again too, smiled and me, and made me wonder how she got so good-looking. She’s heavy and in need of a dye job, but she’s so tall and nice-looking for her age. She looks very American Indian.

Later…

Yesterday I got in over 11,000 steps but today I don’t think I’m going to even hit the recommended goal of 10,000. I just finished working out on the Bowflex and I thought I would hibernate in the bedroom and do a private entry via email to bitch about some things and express some thoughts.

First of all, the house for sale is pissing me off, as usual. It was quiet over there yesterday, but today they’re cleaning the carpet and that is not only insanely loud but it takes an hour or more, so that’s why I’m in the bedroom as it’s the furthest room from that house.

Aly still annoys me with her clinginess and constant need to text because she is lonely and depressed. Only texting will do. DMing each other on Twitter just isn’t the same.

I know it’s not always easy, but I wish she would do more to help herself. I’m not a professional trained to deal with depression. I wish she was busier and knew more people. She doesn’t have a single local friend, which is weird because she does drive and is younger, and has also been single for years. It makes me wonder why. The more I get to know her, I see that yes, she is intelligent, creative and perceptive, but she definitely has her share of emotional problems. I wonder if that’s why she’s friendless. The last guy she met was in and out of her life in a matter of days, and she said it was because he got fed up with her ways.

Anyway, neither of us has heard from Molly, and I admit it. Yes, I admit I sometimes miss the drama and tracking Molly as she tracks me. I definitely don’t miss the drama for the most part, however, and would not want to go through that again. I’m actually surprised that with the millions of people on the Internet, no new stalkers have latched onto me since. Presently, there is no way to contact me anonymously other than on LiveJournal since I’m no longer on Ask. But still, some people are too crazy to care and will even use their real names like Molly did. I just wonder when I’m going to have to deal with the next Molly, and if they’ll be even worse to deal with. Kim sure was worse in some ways, and Aly just told me her sister monitors everything she does. She and her mother are supposedly living with her karate sister who got divorced and is now engaged to a woman.

I can block someone easily enough if I get fed up enough. The problem is if they reach out to my friends and family and try to get them involved. That’s where the real problem is.

I got curious, checked and noticed that Maliheh unblocked me on Facebook yesterday. I would periodically look in on her from Tom’s account even though there’s never really anything to see. I wonder why she unblocked me, though. She had blocked me for commenting on a public comment of hers. I still can’t believe I was dumb and naive enough to believe for a minute that she actually cared about me and wanted to be my friend. I know that if she came crawling to me right now and begging to resume our so-called friendship I would just laugh. I wouldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t be able to be her friend again without doubting her true intentions. She’d only dump me again. As I learned in 1991, Maliheh’s a gamer. A real head player that gets off on doing what she does.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 12, 2016 So far I’ve eaten 509 calories and burned 540 and still have 1060 left to eat today. A day goes from midnight to midnight my time. That calorie amount will go up as I increase my activity. I seriously love Fitbit! It’s the most convenient and motivating tool I’ve used thus far. Fitbit makes it not only easier to log my food but to see how much I’ve burned as well as what I can still eat depending on what I do activity-wise.

I slept 7 hours and 38 minutes, and even though I slept better because I took a lorazepam before bed, I still woke twice and was restless 20 times. This time my heart spiked to 115 in my sleep. Better than 125 like the night before.

Today it thinks my resting heart rate is only 82, but that’s normal for most people. Mine usually averages 90.

Was lightly jogging on the treadmill during my show and it went to 123. In a half-hour, I’ll be making the very cold walk down to the clubhouse for aerobics, and Fitbit will consider that 1 “floor” since it’s downhill, then back uphill.

MONDAY, JANUARY 11, 2016 So now both the cruise AND the flights are booked! Heading out of Sac Int’l and will layover in Houston in just 18 days! So excited! So is Tammy, whom we spoke with yesterday. I don’t expect to have access to the Internet like we did in Hawaii since we’ll be at sea for much of the trip, though I will try to document things each day on my laptop. I may upload entries all at once after the trip or do it a little at a time. Don’t know yet. But even the little things like that are exciting to think of as well as the big things. :)

As Tammy said, it’s also a shame that it’s taken this long as well as exciting. Yeah, well, we know who we can put most of the blame on for that one, don’t we? But even so, it’s kind of pointless to lay blame at this point when what’s done is done. We can’t undo the last 25 years.

I’m SO excited for SO much! Seeing my family, flying first class, cruising, swimming, shopping and just enjoying the warmth after freezing my ass off here. It’s in the low 40s right now. My morning walks to the clubhouse for the exercise group are nearly excruciating. I can see my breath in the air and can’t get there fast enough.

The ship we’ll be on is 4 times bigger than Holland America’s Amsterdam that we were on 9 years ago. It holds over 4K people, including the crew. I hope we don’t get lost on it, but I would think most decks would be useless to us as they’d just be staterooms.

The ship has a wave pool, rock wall climbing, and much to my surprise… an ice skating rink. No thanks. I did enough of that growing up in New England.

You have to pay extra for it, but what I look most forward to on the ship (besides eating and swimming) is a massage and a mani-pedi at the spa. I’m going to spoil and pamper myself silly.

Like I said, so many things, big and small, I’m totally looking forward to! The only thing I wasn’t too thrilled to learn is that men must wear shirts with collars even in the casual dining area, and both men and women must wear long pants. Jeez, give us a break! We’re on vacation, and well, not all of us appreciate being told what to do. But unlike what I went through 16 years ago, I can live with this demand. If we want to eat in our robes, we can just get room service.

My Fitbit report shows I sleep as shitty as I knew I did. Not only that, but this was the first time we could actually “see” a hot flash that jacked my heart up from an average of 80 to a whopping 124. That’s when I got up and took the lorazepam I didn’t take before bed. I’m taking it before bed this time around for sure.

Had to take the thing off the last hour of my so-called sleep because it was too tight. It’s such a pain to put on too, cuz it’s wide and that makes it hard with my tiny little wrist.

While they’re still highly annoying, along with waking up a lot, they’re less scary now that I know what’s going on and am equipped with better coping tools (Stacey, the emotional tapping, the chicken with the calming tryptophan), but it’s a shame no one could tell me what it was a year and a half ago when this shit first started. Although the higher doses of levothyroxine fueled it, the docs were right… it’s not the meds that’s the problem, but the perimenopause. And not that I didn’t have a few anxious moments when I was clueless as I really thought this stuff didn’t start till a woman was closer to 55. So I was anxious about being anxious and not knowing why. I just knew that that degree of anxiety was uncharacteristic of me, awake or asleep, and that something physiological was amiss.

This period has been wimpy so far, but that’s subject to change. I can say one thing for sure and that’s that I didn’t gain as much weight as I usually do before periods. I usually gain 5-6 pounds but this time I only gained 3.

Hopefully, we’ll both be done coughing up globs of leftover shit from our flu before the trip. We’re getting better little by little.

And I’m back! Yes, I took a break after my last paragraph to see Tom off to work and to do a more rigorous cleaning job than usual of the second bathroom. My heart rate was between 105-113 while I cleaned and right now it’s down to 97. Still a little high. My resting heart rate is about 90, though I did get as low as 68 in my sleep. Yes, I’m the opposite of Tom. I have a high pulse.

We added each other on Fitbit (plus I added a couple of friends) and he accidentally “taunted” me. Funny too, since he’s only over 1K steps and I’m currently at 5K steps, 2 miles and burned nearly 800 calories. I did get up a few hours before he did, though.

I feel ever so slightly anxious, probably because he’s gone and it’s early in the day, but I don’t think I’ll need to take anything before bed. I sure hope not anyway. After I post this I will be walking down to the clubhouse for the morning aerobics. If I had a slow heart rate and hated to exercise, I hate to think of just what my weight might be like these days!

I’m trying lavender-scented toilet paper for the first time and I kind of like it. It’s different and I like trying new things.

After picking up his blood pressure medicine and my thyroid medicine at Walmart yesterday, we went treasure hunting at Goodwill where I found two cute dolls and a cute fake plant. They’re pink flowers and they did a good job of making it look like it was really planted in dirt. It’s not very big and can fit in most windowsills.

One doll is a 9” all-porcelain ballerina dressed in pink with blond hair and brown eyes. The other is a 15” blue-eyed strawberry blond in a blue-green floral dress with pink accents.

And back yet again! Guess who walked down in the cold to the clubhouse with 6 pounds of weights in tow all for nothing? Yeah, you guessed it. Had I been smart enough to check the schedule first I’d have known they don’t meet on Monday mornings.

Here we go with the daily racket at the house that’s for sale. I’d say they’ve already moved out. The guy that lived there just pulled up in front of the open garage door, which tells me there will no doubt be some noisy shit going on inside of it today, and who knows how many other vehicles coming and going. I dread what the new people are going to use that garage for other than to park their cars!

Oh, he just shut the door and headed down the circle, probably to visit someone here before he leaves.

Again with the stuck-in-jail dreams. Why do I keep having these things? I’d rather go back to being broke and in hotels.

In one dream I escaped from jail and went straight home even though I knew it’d be the first place they’d look for me. I just wanted to savor whatever moments of being home that I could before I was captured. Tom wasn’t there, though.

He was in the second dream. In that one, he came to visit and I asked if he was adapting to single life since he now lived alone. He said something like, “Yeah, but your stuff won’t be brand-new when you get out.”

I became very sad and was about to tell him that I was afraid I’d never get out when I woke up.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 10, 2016 We have booked a room toward the back of Deck 6 on Royal Caribbean’s Independence of the Seas for the 30th – 4th!!! It’s kind of a deluxe suite. A superior oceanview stateroom with a private balcony.

On the site, there was a diagram of the ship’s various decks with little blinking red dots indicating the rooms that were still available. I picked the one furthest from the elevators and that would get fewer people going by on the lowest deck available. Sam’s had tech issues, so we eventually booked through Cosco and got a better deal from them in the end anyway. So it ended up saving us a little bit of money. Was surprised to find it’s more expensive the higher up you go. I don’t know why most people would rather be on higher decks. I like being lower so I’m closer to the water’s surface.

The plan is to fly from Sacramento to Fort Lauderdale on the 29th.

The ship embarks at 4:30 pm on the 30th and we will spend the 31st at sea.

We dock in Cozumel at 8am on the 1st and set sail again at 5pm.

We arrive at 7am in Costa Maya the next day and leave at 4pm.

We spend the 3rd cruising and return to Fort Lauderdale on the 4th at 7am.

On the 8th we return home.

We will then rent a car and drive up to Tammy’s where we’ll check into a nearby hotel. We’ll probably call her later on today to discuss the details.

We opted for My Time dining as we don’t care to dress up for a formal fancy dinner at a set time with the captain. We prefer the food courts that have a variety of cuisines as well as room service.

As for excursions. Besides the obvious… shopping and swimming, I’m not sure I want to swim with dolphins or see the ancient ruins. A dolphin swim would be okay, but I’d much rather go helmet diving. That’s where you wear a helmet that provides air and that sits on your shoulders. You go down 20’ and a tube extends up to the surface. You have scuba divers with you at all times, of course.

As for the ruins… I could see pictures online of that sort of thing. I know there are underwater pics as well, but that’s not quite the same to me. Tom was really impressed with the pyramids in Mexico which he saw long before we met. He said it was really neat how they carved each individual stone over centuries to fit together, and he stood on the platform on which many were sacrificed all in the name of twisted beliefs. Oh, the crazy acts and delusions of those into religion and the whole God fantasy thing. Ah, if only believing something could make it real, huh? LOL Oh well, to each their own when they’re not actually killing people.

We don’t yet have the flights booked or the details mapped out precisely, but we don’t want to book excursions too far in advance anyway in case we don’t feel up to doing a particular thing on that day.

Glad my 4-day late period is starting now to get some of this water off me, but I was really hoping it’d wait another week so I wouldn’t be PMSing or on it during the trip. Figures, though. I was on it during our last cruise, too.

Our Fitbits arrived, but tangerine? Mine looks red to me. Makes me wonder what the plum I almost got would have looked like, but red is fine.

In last night’s dreams, I was stepping into the street and saw tons of giant snakes all over the place. Some weighed hundreds of pounds.

Then I was living with someone who wanted to add another roommate. I expressed my doubts at first, knowing how many dishonest people there are out there, but the woman was very confident that she could find someone trustworthy and that people were still basically good.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 9, 2016 Did my daily emotional tapping, got my chicken fix, took a shower, and brushed out my hair which is now almost long enough to pull to the sides when brushing.

Strength training yesterday at the clubhouse was fun, though a bit more challenging than I expected. Though I may be stronger, most of the ladies are a lot lighter and frailer than me, which can make some exercises easier if you don’t have as much body weight to haul. Same people were there except for one I haven’t met before… Charlotte.

They have decided that with “young blood” around, they don’t have to worry about struggling to get up from their mats/steps, cuz I helped pull some of them up, LOL. They were all in their 80s.

The only thing they do that’s annoying is they blast the shit out of 50’s music. Even some of them get annoyed and get up to turn the boom box down.

Claire led the group this time, though she obviously has serious memory problems because she kept stopping and struggling to remember what was next.

Joy walked by at one point and even though she looked right at me and smiled, I wonder if she even remembers who I am since I last saw her at the pool two years ago.

A couple of guys played pool and one used the treadmill.

Anyway, yesterday was a very busy and physical day and today will be somewhat busy but more relaxing. We’re going to shop for new shorts for the trip, plus Tom needs new work jeans.

Tomorrow I’ll do that adrenaline test and we may go treasure hunting at Goodwill.

My vision seems noticeably worse tonight and I don’t know why. Even the larger print on the screen is blurry. The best thing is that I still haven’t had any anxiety since the 6th. I just wish I’d sleep better! Didn’t take anything before bed, and sure enough, I woke up constantly. After a few hours of that, I got up, peed, took a lorazepam, and slept more solidly. I hate how the disrupted sleep is causing me to need to sleep closer to 10 hours instead of 8, but it’s better than being anxious/fearful.

I was just thinking earlier about how the anxiety backed off tremendously after stopping the Lexapro. Well, it did the same thing after stopping the Prozac last year. It’s almost as if the SSRIs reset and normalized my moods or something, not that Stacey, the chicken, the emotional tapping, and other things haven’t helped as well.

I was also thinking about those two dreams where I was told I’d always need crutches to walk yet I walked on my own. Having a history of dream premonitions, I wonder if that’s a sign saying that yes, I’ve overcome this anxiety. I’m not going to dare tell myself it’s gone forever, though, as A, that’s what I thought several times before, and B, perimenopause doesn’t just disappear overnight. I still can’t even sleep.

During one of those times I was asleep, I dreamed I didn’t know Tom and was living in the 4th-floor apartment I lived in 25 years ago in MA.

I took a nap one afternoon and awoke to a loud crashing sound. I bolted out of bed and into the living room, which didn’t “look” right. Certain there was an intruder in the apartment, I ran through the living room, down the narrow hall to the front door, and out into the outer hallway. I peered over the stairwell and saw someone slowly coming up the stairs.

“Please be coming up to this floor!” I urged myself. I was quickly relieved to see that they were and that it was a guy, figuring a woman would be less likely to want to check my place out with me.

“Hi, my name is Jodi,” I said to the guy, stocky, in his 40s, and carrying a package.

“Good for you, Jodi,” he said and began to enter the apartment across the hall as I explained what happened. At first I thought he wasn’t going to help me, and was surprised to find a small club of some kind behind the door instead of an apartment.

But he put the package down and followed me to my apartment, as bored as he seemed. A woman soon appeared beside us as we inspected the living room, me peeking in the closet. The guy then discovered that the living room’s fluorescent bulb had fallen to the floor.

I said, “Wow, I don’t know how I missed that.”

As he screwed it back in, I picked up a clump of something and asked, “Does this look like wood or pine needles?”

They said it looked like wood, and that somehow convinced me, along with the fallen bulb, that no intruder was present after all.

The other dream I remember was very depressing. Something or someone forced Tom and I to live apart. We would not be able to see each other and he would not be able to help support me, though I don’t know for how long this was to go on.

He told me he knew I would want to kill myself, and I did. I felt totally trapped. I didn’t want to kill myself because he was still alive, but I didn’t see how I could survive either and I knew the limited money I had would eventually run out.

I was extremely depressed, had to do my writing by hand, and slept in a parking garage for the first night. When I awoke I gathered what meager belongings I had surrounding me and took off somewhere.

At one point Andy visited me with a female friend. I said, “I’d go back east with you but there’s no way I could afford my share of the rent.”

FRIDAY, JANUARY 8, 2016 Nothing serious anxiety-wise since those freeway butterflies. :) Slept longer without my heart racing me awake, but still woke up a lot. The sleep itself was more solid, though.

What was really strange was that I had TWO dreams that an accident paralyzed me. I was told I’d never be able to walk without crutches, but in both dreams, I eventually tossed the crutches aside and started walking on my own. I expected Tom to be amazed and impressed, but he just stood there stony-faced.

Since I plan on meeting my clubhouse buds for strength training this morning. I’ll only do just 10-15 minutes on the treadmill.

We both ordered a Fitbit that monitors, sleep, heart rate and how active we are. He got a black one in extra large and I got a tangerine one in small.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 7, 2016 In yesterday’s therapy session, I got a dose of Chinese medicine which is known as emotional tapping. It can be used for anxiety as well as other things.

I was calm for several hours before the appointment, but a few hours before leaving I noticed the “butterflies,” as I call them, begin to kick up just under my ribcage. I tried to breathe them away and I tried to will them away, but they just wouldn’t dissipate. They came to a peak during the wet drive to Stacey’s office. It got so intense that I felt myself tearing up in frustration again. Like I said before, it’s a horrible cycle where you get anxious and then you get depressed because you’re frustrated that you got anxious.

So we parked the car and ran through cold wind and rain like you wouldn’t believe, and soon Stacey brought us to her office, which stunk like shit. It smelled of old fast food.

Just like learning more and more from my current endocrinologist has proven how worthless my old and endocrinologist was, the more I learn from Stacey, the more I realize that Dana wasn’t very helpful and all. At least not for me.

Anyway, I told her how up-and-down things have been for me and that we really suspect the main culprit for my anxiety, which sometimes reaches epic proportions, is mostly due to perimenopause. Even she has had similar symptoms. Well, it may not be any one thing, and the extra levothyroxine definitely had a hand in fueling it, but I think most of what I’ve been feeling recently is due to menopause setting in. I was supposed to get my period yesterday and I don’t feel like it’s even close. I don’t think they’ve stopped altogether yet, but I think by the time I’m 55 that will be it. It’s exciting but every bit as torturous as I’ve always heard it is.

Sometimes I feel so bad that I fear I’ll never get better. As I told Stacey, I never had fear and anxiety like this even when my life was horrible. My sleep is still shitty, too. Even when I’m not waking up with my heart racing, I still wake up a lot, and a lot of the time I feel tired. As much as I’m looking forward to our upcoming vacation, which will probably be booked this weekend, I dread how exhausting it may be for me. As Tom said, though, vacation is about relaxing. If I’m too tired to do any of the excursions, we can just lay around on the beach, at the pool, or even on the balcony of our room. We’re probably going to go with Royal Caribbean which only goes to Mexico, instead of Princess, which goes to both Mexico and Honduras because they have more rooms available, but I’m getting off-topic.

Back to Stacey. She is a very easy-going woman who seems very understanding, compassionate and knowledgeable. I honestly didn’t think she would be able to help me at first because what’s causing my anxiety is physiological. But then as Tom pointed out, being overweight is physiological yet exercise helps it.

The emotional tapping seemed silly to me at first and I really didn’t see the point in it, but it is surprisingly more helpful than you might think. You tap a series of spots on the body 6 or 7 times (hands, head, around the eye, under the nose, chin, chest, and under the arms) while you recite a positive phrase such as, “Even though I hate this anxiety, I love and accept myself.”

You can personalize your statements if you want but I prefer to keep it simple. Things got funny at one point because I misunderstood at first what she was asking me to do when she asked me to pick a word. Well, I picked rats since I love rats. This would have had me saying, “Even though I hate these rats, I love and accept myself.” LOL

When she asked me what my goals were for the future, I was totally stumped as to what to say. I really don’t have a clue. I guess it’s just to survive and be happy and healthy. At this age you just don’t see the world through the same eyes you saw them through 20 or 30 years ago. The things that were new and exciting back then just don’t thrill you like they once did. My goals and dreams have become a lot more simplistic than they used to be. I would just like for us to retire someday in either Hawaii or Florida, with Florida being the most likely given how expensive Hawaii is.

I told her about my three-day stint with Lexapro and various things that are going on (mostly my work and hobbies), as well as our upcoming trip. She wants to see me before we leave, so I have another appointment on the 21st.

I left her office without the “butterflies” that I would have killed with lorazepam. I still may need lorazepam to help me sleep better at times, but I’m hoping that I will need less and less of it until I eventually don’t need it at all. I still prefer natural remedies whenever possible.

After we left the building we treated ourselves to burgers and fries from Carl’s Jr. and next time I want to try their beer-battered cod sandwich, even though I shouldn’t be having any of that shit. It’s been a month, though, of mostly healthy eating, and everybody deserves a break every now and then.

I felt great for the rest of the day. I just had a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. I was tired for several hours after I first got up, and I was also pissed because they turned our water off. Tom crashed at 5:30 PM and I got up at 8 o’clock. That’s when I discovered the water was off. When I saw there was no message from him about it, I knew they had to turn it off after he went to bed. So I slipped a note under his door telling him not to flush his toilet until he had to take a dump because the water was off. These toilets will not flush if you pour a bucket of water down them like regular toilets do.

Well, he got up to pee and found the note. This was at 11 o’clock and he’s been up ever since, the poor guy. At one point he drove around the park to find where they were working. It was by the lake. He said there were 4 trucks there and he could see them carrying big pipes and all that. Usually, when there are water outages it’s only for an hour or two. But this time it was off for over 7 hours, maybe more.

Fortunately, the water was turned on in time for him to take his shower before leaving for work, and then I showered as well. Now the dishes are running.

After he left I did the emotional tapping twice. I will run through it once or twice every few hours even when I don’t feel anxious, and then there’s that lifetime supply of chicken I was sure to get because the tryptophan in it is calming.

Before emotional tapping, you want to rate your level of anxiety on a scale of 1-10 before you start and try to get it as low as you can. I was about a 7 when he left and I brought it to 5. Then I fixed myself something to eat and spent a half-hour on the Bowflex, and I would say that right now I’m about a 3.

My only other complaint – we both could complain about this one – is that we just can’t stop coughing. I first got sick before Christmas and I still have coughing and congestion. My voice was so raw after leaving Stacey.

I sure have been getting violent in my dreams a lot, or close to it. In last night’s dream, I was walking somewhere and was thrown in jail due to a misunderstanding that had to do with someone who was testifying in a high-profile case. It happened to be a Friday, however, and no one could be reached to explain things.

I was in a large room with several other inmates when a female guard was leaving the room. I urged her to help me. She said something about a simple misunderstanding. As she was about to pull the door shut, I tugged on it and shouted, “So I’m supposed to sit in jail all weekend due to a fucking misunderstanding?!”

Knowing the guard would feel challenged by my going off on her like that, she did exactly what I hoped she would do. She re-entered the room so I might have more time to convince her to help me.

One of the other inmates came between us to protect the guard from my wrath because the guard was petite, possibly even smaller than me. Even though I never actually struck her, she ended up hitting the floor and I awoke from the dream worrying that I would then be hit with an assault charge.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2016 Feeling the best I’ve felt in days. Not sure how long it will last, but I’m definitely enjoying it while it does. I even slept a little better, although I did wake up with my heart racing moderately at one point.

Dr. A has no problem with me discontinuing the SSRI for now. The scratchy feeling I felt in my throat is gone and it probably was connected to the Lexapro. It was definitely messing with my sleep just like the Prozac did, and who knows if it might have triggered suicidal thoughts as well after another dose or two? I’m glad I won’t be finding out.

The more I experience what I’ve been going through and the more research I do, the more I think that this is connected to perimenopause than anything else. Sure, the higher dosage of thyroid medication had an impact on it and so did the trauma I experienced, as well as the thyroid disease itself, but I think they fed off of each other and that the main culprit was and still is perimenopause. IDK, maybe estrogen supplements would be better for me at some point.

I will be seeing Stacey later on this morning and hopefully that will be more helpful as well.

I chatted with Tammy a couple of mornings ago and she really helped cheer me up. I just feel so bad that she is suffering as well, just in a very different way. She’s in such bad shape that she can’t even take walks. Hopefully, they will improve her health and she’ll quit smoking and become more active. Being smoke-free and keeping active makes a world of difference.

Although I’m more of a strength training and aerobics kind of person, I did a little yoga yesterday because it’s supposed to be very relaxing.

I’ve been anything but relaxed and some of my dreams. I didn’t get violent this time around, but some girl really pissed me off by threatening me and I said something like, “Fine. If you want to fight, we will fight.” Instead of reacting, though, she just made this strange guttural sound.

In another dream, my music teacher from high school agreed to give me rides to and from some kind of job and I realized I didn’t have a trace of the crush I once had on him way back when.

I was definitely wrong in assuming we wouldn’t have any more rain this year than we have had for the last several years. It pretty much rained all day yesterday. It hasn’t rained since I’ve been up, but it’s breezy out based on the wind chimes I can hear.

It has now been one month without Andy in my life and I can’t say I miss him. I say let him get on with his life and his false beliefs about me, his paranoia, his immaturity, his stupidity - the whole damn 9 yards - and I’ll get on with mine.

I know he couldn’t make me check in on Ask, but I often felt pressured to and I don’t miss that. Or having to hear about the same old shit over and over again.

So the Germans are kind enough to take in the immigrants and they thank them by raping them because their twisted minds/laws and religious fantasies tell them it’s okay to do so? When are people going to wake up and see these Muslims as the true honest to god savage beasts that they are? Especially the men with the way they treat women. Just wondering how long it’ll be before they are brought over here to rape US women as well because their imaginary “Allah” says it’s a good thing. Well, put one next to us and they’ll quickly see that “Allah” has other plans for them because I will have them moved in a heartbeat. I will not live in danger!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 5, 2016 Gotta stop the Lexapro because it’s making my shitty sleep even shittier. It was like, OMG! I’ve also noticed this scratchiness in my throat and wonder if that could be the flu-like symptoms someone mentioned.

Throughout my day I was stable and didn’t need any lorazepam, but during my first two hours of sleep, I flitted in and out of sleep constantly, only to wake up with my heart booming up a storm a few hours later. I was hot as hell, too. Tom and I totally believe this is perimenopause setting in. No doubt about it. I’m late more and more often for my periods, too. I’m supposed to get it tomorrow, though I doubt I will. PMS with menopause setting in is a real double whammy of emotional and physical hell, all right.

I called Tom who helped calm me down and then I took a lorazepam to help me fall back asleep. Because I kept waking up so much I ended up sleeping a long time. When I finally got up I felt more depressed than anxious, as well as hopeless. How long is this going to go on???

All I could do was lie around going from hot to cold as I do in my sleep. I had no energy to work out or do much of anything. Even this blog entry takes effort. Typical of me when I’m PMSing, but it’s more than that. It’s called sleeping shitty with menopause and whacky hormones that just don’t make you feel like yourself anymore, along with a head full of worries sprinkled with anxiety. Waking up for a second here and there is one thing, but when am I EVER going to be able to do it less often and WITHOUT the beatathons???

Doc A assured me she’d refill my lorazepam when I need it, and that’s better than nothing, but I think I’ll pass, once again, on the SSRI drugs. Maybe a hormone supplement would be better for me. I’ll eventually discuss that with her. Meanwhile, I see Stacey tomorrow and she can help with the psychological aspect of things.

For now, it’s raining hard and steady here and that’s always soothing to hear. Plus we still need the rain. I am definitely going to take it easy today. Even I deserve a break every now and then. The house is clean and my online work is done, so I can just veg out in bed and read. This cold wet weather is perfect for it. Aly and I can text each other, too.

I’m afraid to go to sleep later, of course, so I’ll stay up as long as I can. It might help me sleep better that way anyway. I might try sleeping without the covers, too. Maybe even follow a yoga vid on YouTube. This has been suggested to me, even though I’m more of a cardio/strength training kind of gal.

In last night’s dream, I wonder if I was homeless or something. I was sleeping on a tiny bench or cot in the corner of a small room in which anyone could enter, so I’m guessing it was in a public place. A guy approached my bed and woke me up. He seemed drunk and filthy. I yelled at him to get away, but couldn’t shove him very far with my hands as he was knelt down by my head. To achieve a better angle, I curled my body up and kicked him away instead.

Then I went back to sleep, but when I woke up again I was pissed. I got up and looked down at the floor where he lay on his back. I straddled him and started punching him in the face as I shouted, “You stupid son of a bitch!”

But the guy never moved, and so I ran out of there assuming he might be dead.

In the second dream, Tom and I were riding in the car. I was complaining that today’s music is boring and he suggested we go to K-Mart to look at what CDs they have (as if that’d be different from what’s online, LOL). I said, “I’m trying to think of what songs I can’t find MP3s of.”

SUNDAY, JANUARY 3, 2016 Yesterday was a shitty day that turned good. It seems I may’ve accidentally stumbled upon a cure for my anxiety. I’m still on Lexapro (took my second dose) and taking lorazepam as needed, but if I’m really on to something, hopefully I won’t need much of either for too long.

For the first 6 hours or so of my day, I was horribly anxious. At first it was mostly emotional anxiety with a little of it being physical. You know, as in those butterflies we feel in our stomach when our adrenaline gets pumping? Even with lorazepam I could still feel symptoms, as Stacey said I could. Eventually, I fell into bed and bawled my eyes out in despair and frustration. Then my heart started racing. It was annoyingly elevated but not so much that it got scary.

I then got up and ate some chicken I baked and then started coloring. After a while of that, I realized I was me again. Totally me. I felt not one shred of anxiety! It was wonderful to have myself back, not that I expected it to last, but it did for the rest of my day, including on our quick visit to Walgreens where I got a cute little gray rubber rat (hey, I couldn’t resist) and some light orange lip gloss.

I’m enjoying my new nectarine wax in the warmer on my desk, and have sandalwood warming in the bedroom.

Anyway, when I realized I was calm after eating my chicken, I remembered mentioning calming down after eating in past entries. So I pulled up my 2015 journal and found that I’d eaten chicken. Then I did some research on foods that are said to help ease anxiety, and sure enough, chicken was one of the ones mentioned.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, but if I could just down a slice or two of chicken anytime I felt the anxiety bite, that’d be awesome!

I slept better than last time, but still not as well as I’d like. I woke up 4 or 5 times along the way, twice warm and with a slightly racy heart. Five hours into my sleep I took a lorazepam.

The one time I wish I would get a little anxious so I could test the chicken again, I don’t, LOL. It’s just barely there under the surface, but as soon as it rears up again, the chicken will be waiting and ready to hopefully attack with a vengeance!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 2, 2016 How did I get so bad emotionally and all for no good reason at all? I keep asking myself this. Anytime I’ve been anxious or depressed in the past it was always for a reason and never this intense that it felt so scary and hopeless.

Of all the theories we’ve come up with since it began 1.5 years ago, it still seems a mix of things, but mostly my body has to acclimate to once again having normal thyroid levels. Then there’s the perimenopause thing that could be playing with my emotions and sleep, and well, this all makes more sense than the thyroid pills themselves since I did have those good months, my labs don’t indicate numbers that could make me feel this way, and it’s unlikely the initial trauma is affecting me or that something’s eating at my subconscious.

If this is a medical condition as Dr. A said, how did I get it and when will it go away? Tom pointed out that I was on edge a lot of the time 20+ years ago, but then as my thyroid became low it took the edge off of things. Now I’ve got to learn how to “be normal” again without lowering my thyroid and putting me at risk of other health complications. This task may sound easy, but the time it’s taking to do so is anything but easy given how much suffering I have done. I feel like I’m never going to feel calm and fearless again, but I’m still a little hopeful that the Lexapro will soon help.

If there’s any progress at all it’s that my heart hasn’t been overly racy lately. I took the Lexapro toward the beginning of my day yesterday and found it made me drowsy and even a bit hungry, as someone said it did to them. But I otherwise felt calm throughout the evening.

Sure enough, though, I had a helluva hard time staying asleep. I started to overheat with a racy heart but kicked the covers off and was okay. But just a couple of hours after crashing I had to take a lorazepam to relax enough to fall back asleep. I just can’t stay asleep more than a couple of hours at a time. It’s horrible. I miss having my sleep be normal. Or at least what’s “normal” for me.

Tom thinks I’m getting into bed too early. I really should wait till I’ve been up at least 16 hours. It’s just that sometimes I lack energy or feel depressed over my situation and all I want to do is lay in bed. Like right now. I want to get into bed, pull the covers over my head, and just cry, even though the tears don’t always come. But I have to push my schedule around a bit more for my Wednesday morning meeting with Stacey.

Due to how drowsy the Lexapro makes me I’ve decided to switch to taking it before bed and see if that helps me sleep with fewer interruptions. I just fear it backfiring on me over the next week or two, which is still possible, and I dread being alone when he returns to work Monday morning. How I miss enjoying my time alone! I always loved my solitude as much as I love hanging with those I love. But now I would relish in what once annoyed the shit out of me… being around people too often. But not just any people. My workout buddies at the clubhouse are fine, but I would still feel more comfortable around those who know me and understand my situation.

I just hope I’m not hopeless because I sure feel that way at times. My anxiety was coming and going in waves when I got up. I hoped it would back off on its own, but when it didn’t I took a lorazepam about 6 hours later.

Next weekend we’ll assess my progress (if any) and decide when to travel and whether or not to skip the cruise. We may have to as shitty as I’ve been sleeping, and possibly even delay seeing my sister for a month as much as that would suck.

In sweeter news, hubby and I made fudge earlier. Since I haven’t taken anything so far today but my levothyroxine and lorazepam, I’m not that hungry. The better I feel, the more I want to eat. But if I’m stressed, depressed, tired, worried or anxious, it snuffs my appetite. I’m still a good 20 pounds overweight, though. For now, all I can do is just savor the hell out of those rare moments of calm.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 1, 2016 A journal is like a best friend that you share everything with. You, the readers, are the “eavesdroppers” to those confessions.

2015 ended on a fearful note and 2016 is beginning on a hopeful one. I will be taking my first Lexapro pill in 20 minutes. I just wanted to be sure I waited 4 hours after taking my thyroid pill because it’s best not to take anything too close to taking that.

Thanks to those who have also taken it and given me your feedback on your experiences. It seems a lot of people feel numb, but I’d welcome a little numbness as opposed to off-the-charts anxiety.

Hopefully, it won’t mess up my already messed-up sleep patterns even more. As I told Tammy, the trip may be delayed a bit till we can get my wacky hormones, chemicals – whatever they’re all called – in a more sane fashion.

Last night I dreamed I was hanging outside with some people when a guy came up and dumped a huge bag of Chinese food on us. I told him I was starving and had just sent some girl to the grocery store for me, so I really appreciated it.

The guy said that the guy that gave him the address to deliver it to had screwed up, so that’s why he was giving it to us. I told him to thank the guy for fucking up.

[friendlyneighborhoodcapricorn]

Gwaine x reader

Wedding Bells

A/N: I didn’t intend to fall back into this fandom but you can blame Mary (@sehnsuchts-trunken) for this lol. No synopsis bc do you really need one with a title like that 😂

I don’t know how weddings go, let alone how they were conducted roughly 1500 years ago, so artistic liberties for the win.

(Also, I had to search so long for a picture of him in the snow where he didn’t look like he was about to either be killed or kill someone himself lmao)

Warnings: it’s long but it’s all pure fluff! Oh, and I play fast and loose with canon lol

Usually, the soon-to-be wed were the ones most nervous for their upcoming wedding.

Not in your case, though. You and Gwaine were both incredibly amused to see your friend and king, Arthur, trying to hold it together while arranging the wedding.

He wasn’t doing the greatest job, but Gwen was picking up the slack and you and Gwaine had both agreed not to tell Arthur, not wanting him to doubt himself when he looked so happy to be able to do this for you both.

“He’s gonna lose his head if he keeps running around like that,” you mentioned to Merlin.

Both of you were looking out the window, watching as Arthur was… well, you weren’t actually sure what he was doing, but you were very much certain that he wasn’t succeeding.

At your comment, Merlin grinned. “That would be too nice.”

You elbowed him in the ribs, though you were smiling as well -as if anything would be able to wipe the smile from your face today. “You are absolutely horrible.”

“Yeah, but you love me anyway.”

You laughed because it was true. Today, you’d be surrounded by the people you loved, and those who loved you.

A knock on the door pulled you out of daydreaming about the hours ahead, and when you turned, you saw Gwen poking her head around the corner. She was smiling as well. “It’s almost time.”

For the first time, there was a flutter of nerves in your stomach. “I’ll be right there.”

She nodded and disappeared again, leaving you alone with Merlin. He was still glancing out the window, amusement evident in his eyes, but he asked: “Nervous?”

That boy. He was far more perceptive than he let on. “A little. I don’t know why. Gwaine and I, we’ve practically been married for years. But…”

“You’re not getting cold feet, are you?” Merlin teased.

“No! It’s just, I’m not used to-“ you gestured around with your hands, not entirely sure what you were trying to convey.

Merlin raised his eyebrows. “You’re going to have to be a bit clearer.”

You sighed, thinking over your words and picking them with care so it would make sense. “Our relationship has always been something that was just for the two of us. We never had many onlookers while we were travelling, it was always just us. And now…”

“Now you’re about to get married in front of about a dozen people,” Merlin guessed, “and it’s making you nervous. But why? You’ve been at Camelot for a while now. Surely you’ve gotten used to having less privacy?”

“Yes, it’s not that. But proclaiming your undying love for someone isn’t something you just do in front of everyone.”

“(Y/N).” Merlin turned to face you, putting his hands on your shoulders. “Everyone who’s here today, knows how much you and Gwaine love each other. You said it yourself, you’ve practically been married for years. And we’ve noticed that. We already know, the only difference is that we’ll hear you both say it out loud today.”

You studied him for a moment, the boy who had become a brother to you since you’d first met him.

“Gaius is rubbing off on you,” you said lightly, and you knew he heard the unspoken gratitude in the tone of your voice.

Merlin shivered and let go of you. “I hope not. Are you ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

Merlin stared at you for a moment and then burst into laughter.

“What?” you demanded when he didn’t stop. “What’s so funny?”

“It’s a wedding, (Y/N),” he pointed out. “Not a public execution.”

Even as you rolled your eyes, he wrapped his arm around your shoulders and gently pulled you along.

It was freezing cold outside, and for a second you wondered why you hadn’t agreed with Gwaine on postponing the wedding to a warmer month.

Then you saw the man you’d be marrying, and you remembered why. The weather didn’t matter one bit, this was too ur wedding. You were finally, after years, able to get married to the man you had loved for so long and would continue to love for the rest of your life.

You didn’t mind the cold, were even delighted by the sudden onset of light snow starting to flutter down.

Merlin grinned as he let go of your arm, and you knew in your heart that the snow wasn’t a coincidence.

You hoped your smile conveyed all the gratitude you couldn’t speak out loud at the moment. Merlin returned it before slipping into place besides Gaius.

The only others there were Gwen, the knights, and Arthur. That was everyone you needed to be here, everyone you wanted. There would be some pretentious unofficial ceremony later on, what with Gwaine’s status as a Knight of The Round Table, but both of you had insisted on a small gathering for the actual wedding.

All the nerves you’d had before, disappeared at once. This was your family: as Merlin had said, they already knew.

You hardly paid them any mind, however, as you made your way to the middle of the courtyard -to Gwaine. His eyes were fixed on you, shining more than usual, and you almost laughed.

Leon leaned forward and whispered something to him, Lancelot immediately smacking his arm lightly. Gwaine rolled his eyes and muttered something that looked like a “thank you” to Lancelot.

“Were you crying?” you asked when you came within earshot of Gwaine.

“What, no oh my, Gwaine, you look absolutely stunning?”

“I’m not exactly hearing you say anything like it either,” you pointed out.

“You don’t need me to say it, you already know it.”

“As if you don’t.”

“They aren’t even married yet, and they’re already bickering like an old married couple,” Elyan joked.

“I heard that,” you said without taking your eyes off Gwaine. “I’d be very careful when you get in bed tonight because might just decide to put a snake in there.”

“You know she means it,” Gwaine added as the other attendants laughed.

Arthur scraped his throat. “Can we begin?”

“Afraid you’re going to forget what you’re supposed to say, my Lord?” you teased, and the glare Arthur gave you was more playful than anything.

“No, but it is literally freezing right now, and I’d like to make it back inside before losing any appendages to the cold.”

More laughter rose up, and you already knew nothing could ruin this day. You were happy, Gwaine was happy, everyone was happy. That was all that mattered.

“Go ahead, Arthur,” Gwaine said, nodding at him.

“Thank you.” He scraped his throat again, and you exchanged an amused glance with your soon-to-be husband. It was Arthur’s tell, that one little thing that gave away his nervousness. “We are gathered here today to witness and celebrate the union of two of our most beloved friends.”

Behind Gwaine, you saw Lancelot wiping at his eyes. He didn’t even pretend he wasn’t when he caught your eye, just smiled sheepishly.

“They already act like and old, married couple,” Arthur continued with a smug smile, “but this is the day where they take the first step to becoming one.”

That was a cue, because Gwen stepped forward, a braided rope of weeping willow vines in her hands. Arthur’s eyes were immediately drawn to her, and you could t blame him. She looked stunning in a dark blue gown and with her hair loose around her shoulders.

Handfasting. That was what the willow branches were for. It was traditionally an engagement ritual, but since you and Gwaine had never really been engaged, you had both decided to incorporate it into the wedding.

You took Gwaine’s hand, and Gwen deftly looped the branches around both your wrist before tying the ends together.

Willow was a symbol of love, but it meant more to you and Gwaine than just that. Because you hadn’t been able to get married whilst travelling, Gwaine had presented you with two wooden rings, woven from willow branches. You had to replace them every so often, but it was something you could do to show your love for one another, so you gladly had.

“Let this rope be a symbol of the unbreakable love that I know the two of you have,” Arthur said, and you were starting to tear up now.

He was doing this for you both, simply because he could and he wanted to. And he’d made sure to make it personal. Maybe he wasn’t as disastrous at this as everyone had thought him to be.

Or maybe Gwen had written this.

“I believe both of you have some things you’d like to say?” Arthur asked you and Gwaine, and you both nodded.

“Ladies first,” Gwaine joked.

“It’s nothing special,” you warned him, hoping he wouldn’t be disappointed.

“As far as I’m concerned, you didn’t even have to come up with something,” he said softly.

“I’ve thought about this many times,” you started, and you looked at Gwaine. At the snow in his hair and his slightly too-bright eyes, “and I was never able to pinpoint the exact moment I fell in love with you. I wanted to, but I was never able to. Until- well, until last night.”

Your friends laughed and even though your cheeks grew warm, you smiled as well. It was the warm laughter of those who knew you best, were used to your antics.

“And last night I realised I started falling in love with you when, two days after we met, you smiled at me and said you weren’t alone anymore. I knew right then and there that you were never going to leave.”

“And you were right,” Gwaine said, halfway between a joke and a promise.

“And I was right,” you repeated. “And I’ve never been happier to be right in my life.”

Gwaine looked at you, at Arthur, and then back at you. “Can I kiss you already?”

Your friends laughed again, or were still laughing, and Arthur let out an exasperated: “Gwaine!”

“Alright, alright,” Gwaine soothed, raising the hand that wasn’t tied to yours in surrender. “My turn. You were finished, right?”

This time it was you exasperatedly saying his name, but you didn’t mean it one bit when you saw how bright his smile was.

“(Y/N), I honestly don’t know why you decided to put up with me, but I’ve always been told that one shouldn’t question miracles, so I won’t.”

It was a simple statement, and yet it was overwhelmingly loving. If you hadn’t been able to tell from your own stinging eyes, you could by the way it seemed to move all the attendees to tears. Even Arthur was crying, and you would’ve laughed if you hadn’t been reduced to tears as well.

“Damn it, Gwaine,” you muttered, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand. “I’d promised myself I wasn’t going to cry today.”

“It’s our wedding, darling,” he said, crying as well. “If anyone gets to cry, it’s us.” Then he looked up at all your friends. “By the way, I’m forever going to be using this against you guys.”

You laughed, cheeks hurting from how much you’d been doing that throughout the ceremony. It was a good kind of ache, a much needed one after the dark times that had followed Uther’s death.

“Alright,” Arthur said, and everyone fell silent again. “Guinevere?”

Gwen’s cheeks turned darker, like they always did when Arthur said her full name, but she stepped forward with the rings. She had made them herself, had insisted on doing so. They were silver, with subtle etchings along the band.

They couldn’t have been more perfect.

“Thank you, Gwen,” you said, but you knew there were no words to really convey your gratitude, and Gwaine echoed it quietly.

Gwen winked and went to stand back with Merlin and Gaius.

“Gwaine, (Y/N),” Arthur began. “By exchanging these rings, you are giving each other your life. If this is not what you want, this is your last chance to turn back.”

He paused, and you and Gwaine answered to the silence by exchanging the rings.

“Very well,” Arthur said, finally smiling with the relief that he had somehow managed to conduct a wedding without any major disasters happening. “With the power invested in me as king, I now pronounce you married. Congratulations.”

You barely heard the end of his sentence as you pulled Gwaine in to kiss him. There was only the deafening roar of your friends cheering and applauding and laughing to celebrate your happiness.

Gwaine pulled back slightly, just enough so he could look into your eyes. “We’re married.”

“We are.”

He laughed, and it had already been a day full of it, but his was the most joyous you had ever heard. “We’re actually married!”

“Only took us five years,” you grinned, and then you kissed him again.

“I think Merlin is actually drunk,” Leon said from his spot beside Gwaine.

You glanced over at the boy in question, who seemed very interested in the workings of a fork.

“Not yet, but he’s close,” Gwaine, expert on the workings of alcohol, commented. “How much do you want to bet he’s going to end up snogging Arthur?”

“None, I hope,” the king himself said, having heard the comment. “Gwaine, I know you’re oblivious, but surely you have noticed that Merlin only has eyes for Lancelot.”

Lancelot, sitting next to you, turned bright red. “I have no idea what you’re all talking about.”

You bumped your shoulder against his. “Of course you don’t. I’d be careful, though. Merlin is determined enough when he’s sober.”

Lancelot merely groaned and dropped his forehead on the table, much to everyone’s amusement, and you patted his shoulder sympathetically.

For once, you didn’t mind it being a long night. It was good, everyone was happier than you had seen them in a long time.

You watched as Percival, Leon, and Arthur made a bet to see who could down their ale the fastest. Arthur won, and then made a beeline for the nearest window to throw up. Gwen moved to stand beside him, and you wondered how long it would take before they got married. There was nothing stopping them anymore.

At some point, you caught Merlin heading over to Lancelot and you gave him a quick heads-up, at which point Lancelot fled the scene. He spent the rest of the night trying to avoid a very drunk Merlin, and it might have just been one of the funniest things you’d ever get to see.

Gaius called it an early night. “If Merlin passes out, I’d appreciate it if one of you would be so kind to put him somewhere he isn’t at risk of dying.”

“Well, he’s not picky,” Gwaine whispered to you, and you snorted.

“Of course he isn’t, it’s the best he can hope for.”

Eventually, you felt yourself growing tired as well. Arthur was still puking in a bucket Gwen had found for him, muttering about how he would never drink again. Elyan was yawning, but still making conversation with his sister. Percival and Leon had passed out with their heads on the table, and you’d seen Lancelot carry Merlin who-knows-where earlier. You thought it was telling that he hadn’t returned after.

“What do you say we call it night?” Gwaine asked softly.

“Best idea you’ve had all year,” you mumbled, sentence cut in half by a yawn.

Gwaine chuckled and got up, pulling your chair back for you and holding out a hand to help you up.

You blamed the exhaustion for losing your balance as you tripped forward, but Gwaine easily caught you and held you against him.

“Someone had a bit too much to drink,” he teased, his voice hardly more than a low rumble in his chest.

You could hear his heartbeat when you shook your head. “I’m just tired.”

“Sure, love,” he said, and before you could protest, he had hooked his arm around your knees and lifted you into his arms.

“What the- Gwaine!”

“If you’re so tired you can barely stand, you shouldn’t have to walk back to our chambers.”

“I can walk,” you protested, but you had to admit this was nice.

“Yes, but why should you?”

You decided you’d protested enough and buried your face in the crook of his neck, his soft hair tickling your cheek.

The peace didn’t last very long, however, as Gwaine slammed into the wall.

“And you thought I was drunk,” you muttered, not opening your eyes but smiling when he shivered at the feeling of your breath against his neck.

“I’m not drunk,” he indignantly said. “Merely a little… a little…”

You hummed and he shivered again, and it took all you had not to giggle.

“(Y/N), I love you, but if you keep doing that I’m going to drop you.”

He bumped into a doorframe.

“Seems like you might drop me either way,” you whispered, wrapping your arm around his neck to make sure he didn’t actually drop you.

“(Y/N)-“

“Doorframe,” you warned dryly, and this time Gwaine managed to avoid it.

“We’re almost there.”

“Good, otherwise we might’ve ended up breaking something.”

Gwaine huffed and you tilted your head to kiss his jaw, which was the wrong thing to do because he pivoted into another wall.

“We’re here,” he said, kicking open the door to your chambers and stumbling inside.

He all but dropped you on your bed and collapsed beside you. For a few minutes, you both just lied there, staring up at the ceiling. Then you fel Gwaine turn towards you.

“Did you have a good day?”

You turned to face him as well. “Yeah. You?”

“Best day of my life,” he whispered, so close that his breath brushed against your cheek.

“Me too.” You reached over to take his hand, intertwining your fingers. “Best day of my life.”

[falcqns]

To Be So Lonely

Pairing: Henry Cavill x Reader, Sebastian Stan x Reader

Summary: Henry has a crush on you, but you’re dating someone else, and he broods about it. he confronts you about it and ruins his career.

Warnings: swearing, threats, henry is a mega asshole in this and ruins his career, dont know where this idea came from lol

A/N: Bratty!Henry makes a comeback as requested! Hope you enjoy!

Don't blame me for falling

I was just a little boy

Don't blame the drunk calling

Wasn't ready for it all

Henry had been a fan of yours for a while. You had appeared in a few movies and TV shows, and he watched them almost religiously. You hadn’t been acting as long as him, but he firmly believed that you were way better at it than him, He had auditioned for a few of the same projects as you, but he never got the role, for one reason or another. He very vividly remembers watching the Mockingbird movie that you were in, and the feelings of jealousy he got as he watched you kiss your co star, Sebastian Stan. He almost wanted to hate Sebastian, but he had done nothing to him, so he couldn’t. Other than kiss the girl that Henry wanted for himself.

Then, one day, Anya and Freya busted into his trailer with huge smiles on their faces.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, petting Kal, and smirking at his friends. They locked eyes with each other and giggled before Freya told him what was going on.

“Y/N got a part on the show!” She squealed, and Henry felt warmth blossom in his chest in hope.

“Shut up. You’re joking!” He said, standing up, a huge smile spreading on his face. “When does she start?”

“Tomorrow!” Anya squealed, and Henry’s smile grew even bigger. He couldn’t wait.

You can't blame me, darling

Not even a little bit

I was away

And I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch

Who can't admit when he's sorry

Henry was practically shaking with excitement when he woke up the next morning. He wanted nothing more than to rush to set to meet you, but he needed to go for a run, eat, and get himself and Kal ready before he could do that.

40 minutes later, he was ready and was practically speeding to set with Kal in the passenger seat of his car. Kal had his head out the window, his mouth open, biting at the wind. Henry glanced over at him and chuckled. His stomach was feeling the same way.

He arrived moments later, and looked around the parking lot for your vehicle. He didn’t know what type of car your drive, but he noticed a black Dodge Ram 1500 that he hadn’t seen before today, so he had to assume that was yours. His eyes were darting everywhere, looking for you, while walking to his trailer. He dropped Kal off in his trailer, and filled up his food and water bowl before he left for the makeup trailer.

He walked out of his trailer, and that’s when he saw you. You were standing outside your trailer, which was opposite of his. Your hair and makeup was done, and you were talking on the phone. Suddenly, he was feeling very nervous, as you hung up the phone and your eyes landed on him. You waved at him, and the butterflies in his stomach grew as he walked over to meet you.

“Hi!” You said.

“Hi! I’ve been wanting to meet you for so long,” HEnry said as he gazed into your E/C eyes. You blushed and he opened his arms for a hug, which you willingly gave.

“Me too!” You said, and the two of you continued talking until your phone rang again. Henry glanced down briefly and his heart dropped into his stomach at what he saw. It was a picture of you and Sebastian kissing, and there was a heart next to Seb’s name.

“Sorry, that’s my boyfriend, but I’ll talk to you on set, okay?” You said, and Henry nodded with a smile, an attempt to cover what he was truly feeling.

“Of course.” You nodded, and walked away with the phone held up to your ear.

“Hey, baby...” You said into the phone, not noticing how Henry turned his back, and walked towards his trailer.

Don't call me baby again

You got your reasons

I know that you're tryna be friends

I know you mean it

Don't call me baby again

It's hard for me to go home

Be so lonely

Henry managed to hide the hurt he was feeling for a few days, but Anya and Freya first noticed something was wrong when Henry walked away from the three of you while you were telling them how Sebastian was trying to impress you once, and ended up falling down his trailer steps. Henry had made it to his trailer before breaking down. Kal bounded over to him, and pressed his body against his legs. Henry sunk to the floor, and let Kal rest his head on his shoulder. He let out a whine at Henry’s crying, and henry calmed down. He didn’t want to upset the one thing that makes him insanely happy. It was you, but you were taken. he couldn’t think about you liked that anymore, no matter how much he wanted to.

Anya came into his trailer a few minutes later, and sat next to him, her hand resting on his arm.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, and Henry lifted his head to look at Anya. “I like her. So much. But, she’s out there dating that asshole.”

Anya let out a laugh, and Henry looked at her in confusion. “What?”

“Sebastian isn’t an asshole. Just because he got her before you did, you’re going to make him look like the bad guy in this situation? First of all, there is no bad guy in the situation. She’s happy with him. He’s happy with her. If you’d sit and listen to the way she talks about him, you’d understand that. He has done things for her that I’ve never heard of anyone doing for their significant others, especially those who dont care about said significant others. When they were filming together, she really missed her best friend, so he flew her out for her birthday, and paid for them to spend the weekend at Disney World together. He’s a really nice guy, but you’re going to sit here and brood simply because he met her first. Dont blame him, and dont you dare blame her.” Anya said, before giving Kal a pet, and walking out of the trailer.

Henry glared at the wall opposite him for a few minutes, before pulling his phone out and going to instagram. He looked at his notifications, and scoffed in annoyance when he saw that Sebastian followed him. Without thinking, he clicked on the three dots, and blocked him.

You might be taken, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have to be okay with it. He stood up, wiped his eyes, and headed back to set. He made a point to keep his eyes glued to his phone so he didn’t have to talk to you.

He shouldn’t be blaming you for this, but the jealous side of him told him to, since he couldn’t blame Sebastian.

I just hope you see me in a little better light

Do you think it's easy being of the jealous kind?

'Cause I miss the shape of your lips

You'll win, it's just a trick

And this is it, so I'm sorry

You noticed Henry’s demeanour towards you go down over the course of your first week, and you were scouring your brain to figure out why while on FaceTime with Sebastian.

“I don’t know what I did to him. He barely speaks to me, he refuses to be alone with me, and if I even mention something about Marvel or our movie, he scoffs, and makes snide little remarks. He seemed like such a nice a person, and i dont know what happened.” You explained to Sebastian, while playing with your fingers.

“I don’t know, either love. I did notice that he blocked me though. I tried to follow him earlier in the week, and now I can’t even find his account, so I think he blocked me. I don’t think it has anything to do with you,” He said, giving you a sincere smile, that was full of love. You smiled at the sight of his steel blue eyes.

“Why would he hate you though? You’ve never met, and I thought he was a Marvel fan. Anya told me he was, and that he went to see Mockingbird in theatres. It doesn’t make sense.” You said. You watched as something washed over Sebastians face, and he ran his fingers through his hair.

“He might like you. I never even thought about that. He’s friends with Chris, I’ll find out for sure,” Seb said, picking up his phone and typing out a message to Chris.

“You think he like me?” You questioned, and Sebastian nodded. “Yeah, i think he does. I mean, he follows you on all your socials, comments on all your posts, he went and saw a Marvel movie by himself, and I’ve heard from a few people he’s been wanting to work with you for a while, but scheduling always got in the way. To me, its the only logical explanation right now.” He said, and you saw his face fall a little.

You smiled. “Baby, look at me,” His head lifted. “You know, even if this is true, I would never leave you, right?” He nodded.

“I know. It’s just- he’s played Superman. An actual superhero. I play a troubled 100 year old with a metal arm that he got through a debt owed to Steve by T’Challa. He’s played so many more influential roles in his career, and I haven’t even gotten the lead in a ‘superhero’ movie, I’m only a side character. And, I know you had a crush on him at one point. Plus, look at the dude! He looks like a Greek God. I don’t want to lose you.” Sebastian admitted.

You giggled slightly. “Baby, I don’t care about that. I care about you. Did you know that before I started on the Mockingbird set, I was terrified to work with you? I had the biggest crush on you, and I was terrified you wouldn’t like me back, but I was proven wrong instantly, when you came up to me and gave me the biggest hug, and told me if I needed anything, you were there for me. You waited for me on set so you could walk me to my car, even on days where you got to go before I did. You visited me when I was sick, and asked to hang out on our days off. You did that. He didn’t. I love you, not him, dragă.” You said, and he smiled. He locked eyes with you through the screen, and you saw tears welling up in his eyes.

“Te iubesc atat de mult,” He said in Romanian.

“Si eu te iubesc foarte mult.” You responded. “I’ll see you when your plane lands tomorrow, okay? It’s getting pretty late there, and your flights in a few hours.”

You and Seb said good night, and hung up. As you laid in bed a few minutes later, you thought to yourself. “Did Henry really like you, or was that just Seb’s jealousy?” You decided to confront Henry in the morning.

Don't call me baby again

You got your reasons

I know that you're tryna be friends

I know you mean it

Don't call me baby again

It's hard for me to go home

Be so lonely

You arrived at the door of Henry’s trailer less that 12 hours later, and you didn’t bother knocking. The thought of bringing Seb on set when Henry had a problem with him didn’t sit right with you, and you needed to figure out what the fuck was going on.

You walked in, and saw Henry putting food and water in Kal’s bowls. He looked up at you before returning to what he was doing.

“What’s your problem with Sebastian?” You demanded, and to your anger, you got a scoff in return.

“Who says I have a problem with him?” He said, refusing to even look at you. You felt your phone vibrate in your pocket but you ignored it for the moment.

“Seb! You blocked him on Instagram when he followed you. You roll your eyes whenever I talk about him, and get all pissed when he calls me. He’s done NOTHING to you! So what is your problem with him?” You demanded, and he finally turned around to look a you.

“He calls and texts you constantly! He always has to be talking to you. You’re here to do a job, not sit around and text your little boyfriend.” He said, and you laughed.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! I do my job perfectly well, and if you’d open your fucking eyes for two seconds, you’d see that I text him first! I tell him when I’m doing a scene, and when I’m not so he knows he can call me! Being in a long distance relationship is hard, and I’m trying to make it easier on him and I. And you say I’m here to do a job. Right now, I cant think of a SINGLE reason why I even took this job in the first place! Oh wait, I TOOK IT BECAUSE I WANTED TO WORK WITH YOU! Did you know I had an offer from Tom Cruise for The Mummy sequel and I turned it down because I wanted to work with you? I could be in Egypt right now, in shorts and a t shirt with Tom Cruise and Annabelle Wallis, my favourite actress, rather than in dreary fucking England, doing a show with you where you treat me worse than the horse shit that Zeus leaves in his path!” You screamed at him. His face became red, and he retaliated.

“FINE, YOU WANNA KNOW WHY I HATE HIM? BECAUSE HE HAD YOU FIRST! I’VE BEEN TRYING TO WORK WITH YOU FOR YEARS, BECAUSE I HAVE HAD THE BIGGEST CRUSH ON YOU, SINCE YOU APPEARED IN MURDOCH MYSTERIES! I WAS SO EXCITED TO BE ABLE TO WORK WITH YOU, AND I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU OUT, BUT YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND SLEEP WITH THE FIRST A LIST ACTOR YOU COULD GET YOUR HANDS ON WHO PROBABLY DOESN’T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT YOU! YOU DON’T WANNA BE HERE? LEAVE! I’M SURE TOM WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU! HE PROBABLY WROTE THAT PART SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU, BECAUSE WHY WOUDN’T HE? YOU SEEM TO GET EVERYTHING YOU WANT SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST TAKE IT, AND GET OUT OF ENGLAND BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART EVEN MORE!” He screamed.

You blinked back tears, and swallowed the lump in your throat before answering. “You don’t get to hate him because he got me before you did. That’s cruel and wrong. And I didn’t sleep with the ‘first A List celebrity i could get my hands on’. I slept with him because I love him, and he loves me. And you’re right,” You felt the tears spill over, and you did nothing to stop them. “I’m sure Tom will be happy to have me, because I quit. I cannot work with you. You are not the person I thought you were at all.” Your turned to walk out the door.

“And to think that I used to have a crush on you too,” You remarked before letting the trailer door slam.

And I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch

Who can't admit when he's sorry

You ran down the stairs and was immediately embraced by Sebastian, who had just arrived on set when he heard your and Henry’s screaming match.

“It’s okay,” He whispered into your ear, as you started sobbing. At that precise moment, Henry walked out of his trailer and opened his mouth to speak. Sebastian held up his hand before he could.

“I think you’ve done enough damage, Cavill. I’m not going to allow you to hurt her anymore. I can’t believe, that you, out of all people, would treat her like this simply because she’s dating someone else. You may play Superman, but you definitely don’t deserve it.” He remarked, and led out away. But, Henry being Henry, decided to snark back.

“You’re one to talk. You play a 106 year old Hydra assassin who somehow managed to convince everyone around him that his a good guy. You’re no worse than I am buddy.”

“Go to your trailer, I’ll see you in a second.” You nodded and headed in. While he dealt with Henry, you called Tom to let him know you could take the role after all.

“I don’t know why you think that you can treat my girlfriend like that, but it’s not okay. You should have seen the amount of research she did for this role! She read every single book, and played every single game in preparation for this role. She was so excited, and turned down the chance to work with her favourite actress to work with you. Not many people would do that. I also dont know what I did to warrant you absolutely hating my guts, other than dating her. I’ve done nothing to you, and even if I did, that doesn’t mean you can treat my girlfriend like shit for it. I’d watch your fucking back, because unlike you, she’s a Marvel actor. The majority of her friends are Marvel too, so don’t be surprised if you get a few nasty messages from certain Avengers, because I will not withhold this information.”

Sebastian walked in to your trailer and found you on the phone to Lauren, apologizing. You hung up a few seconds later and turned to Sebastian.

“She mad at you?” Sebastian asked, and you shook your head.

“No. She understands. She says that she’s sorry that he acted that way, and that she’ll be talking to him. I called Tom and I have the role. I fly to Egypt in two months.” You said, packing up your things. Seb nodded, and moved from where he was to help you.

You took off your costume, and took your hair out. Sebastian took your duffel bag with all your things, and the two of you headed out. Thankfully, you didn’t see Anya of Freya, you weren’t in the right space mentally to explain what happened. All you wanted to do right now was get as far away from Henry as possible.

Don't call me baby again

You got your reasons

I know that you're tryna be friends

I know you mean it

Don't call me baby again

It's hard for me to go home

Be so lonely

Henry sat in his car after getting yelled at by Lauren, Anya, Freya, Joey, and the director, staring at the tree just outside his windshield. He let his emotions get the best of him, and now filming was suspended until they could find a replacement for you. No one was mad at you, no one blamed you. Not even him. He’s the one that fucked up, he’s the one paying the price.

He dug his phone out of his bag, and wasn’t surprised in the slightest when he had a whole bunch of unread messages. He filtered through all the threats that your Marvel friends had sent them.

Chris: you are unbelievable. i cannot believe you treated her like that. my first impression of you being a complete and utter dickhead was true. i can’t believe i was ever friends with you.

Anthony Mackie: for Superman, you’ve done some serious damage. and that’s saying something. i’d be amazed if this didn’t ruin your career completely. you dont get to sit there all high and mighty simply because you’re ‘heart broken.’ none of us are going to keep this quiet.

Scarlett Johansson: count your days cavill. never thought you’d be the type to make a girl cry.

Elizabeth Olsen: congrats on ruining your career. if you even come near Y/N again, we’ll do much worse than ruin your career. believe me.

He threw his head back against the seat. They wouldn’t take it to social media, would they? He thought as he clicked on his instagram app.

The first thing he saw was a post from Robert Downey Jr explaining what had happened.

He’d fucked up bad, and there was nothing he could do to fix it.

To be so lonely, to be so

To be so lonely

To be so lonely, to be so

To be so lonely

[into-control]

Into i need help. I bought a oculus quest 2 right and i tried to connect it to my laptop and it wont work so I realized i needed and actual pc gaming setup you know, problem is idk anything about PCs and i dont wanna get scammed. Can you help me? Ive looked online and idk wtf im looking at tbh. Can you give like advice and shit lol 😂 love you into 💕

well i'm not a professional at pcs by any means but i've always had a huge fixation on them so i can try to help as much as possible and i'll even try to put it in simple terms. fair warning, i talk A LOT in this post because i love rambling about computers :') i tried to use the simplest terms possible since you seem confused but if something doesn't make sense just ask and i can try to reword.

it all depends on what you want out of your pc. and do you want to build one or get a prebuilt one? if you want my advice i recommend building one. getting a prebuilt pc is the easiest way to get scammed because retailers tend to overcharge and they think they can get away with it because they stuck a flashy high end graphics card and colourful lights in it even though it has shit airflow and they cheaped out on the motherboard and power supply or something like that. if you're going to get a prebuilt pc make sure you look at allll the specs and consult some online reviews to see if they're any good, and figure out if you're going to be overcharged. now i'll talk about building one. a lot of this will still be useful if you're considering buying a prebuilt though.

the very first step is deciding your budget. idk where you are but in USD the typical amount to spend on pc parts is i think like $1000 - 1500 (you can spend less but that's if you don't have a lot of money to spend and are still desperate to have a gaming pc). i'm spending around $1700 CAD (before taxes, eugh) on mine bc i want to get into more demanding games eventually. it sounds very costly but computers like these can last you a decade and are very multifaceted. figuring out your budget first instead of going right ahead and buying stuff is important because each component should take up specific percentages of your budget. another important thing to consider when deciding your budget is if you want RGB (the colourful lights as previously mentioned), because components with that capability are slightly more expensive.

after deciding your budget, your first move is deciding what graphics card (GPU) you want. the GPU is responsible for processing and presenting the visuals on your screen. theoretically it should take up between 35 - 40% of your budget because it is the powerhouse in a gaming system. you have two developers to choose from here: NVIDIA or AMD. from what i've seen people tend to prefer NVIDIA but AMD cards aren't bad and they definitely compete in performance. i'll talk about nvidia though because that's what i know more about. by searching up the oculus quest 2 system requirements it tells me you at least need an nvidia geforce gtx 970. this card came out in 2014 and is by no means bad however it is actually the same base price as a lot of newer cards. if you want to go better than the minimum requirements, first consider what your monitor is capable of. if you don't have one yet, consider what you want it to do. monitors are not considered a part of the budget i keep mentioning by the way. idk how much this matters to you since we're talking about the oculus quest 2 but i'm just kind of assuming you're going to use this pc for other games too. the main two things to take into consideration are max resolution and refresh rate. my monitor has a resolution of 1920 x 1080 and a 144hz refresh rate. what the resolution means is that there are 2,073,600 pixels in the screen, and can go up to a resolution of 1080p in video games. the refresh rate means the monitor can refresh the picture on the screen 144 times a second, therefore can show a max of 144 frames per second in a video game. to put that in to perspective, most screens have a refresh rate of 60hz, such as regular laptop screens, iphone screens, etc.. monitors come in mainly 60hz, 75hz, 144hz, and 165hz, and for resolution they mainly come in 1080p, 1440p, and 4k. seeing as i don't have any plans on upgrading my monitor any time soon, dropping extra money on a GPU that can achieve more than 144fps and 1440p/4k would be pointless. but forget about the monitor, the oculus quest 2 has a max refresh rate of 120hz and its resolution lies somewhere between 1080p and 1440p. if you know what kind of games you're going to be playing, look up how they perform with different kinds of cards. i'm fairly certain anything above an nvidia geforce rtx 3070 would be pointless because of your display limits, and anything below the nvidia geforce gtx 970 simply won't be enough for the system. you can look at all the GPUs ranked here. after deciding which GPU you want you need to figure out which brand of it you want (NVIDIA themselves, asus, gigabyte, evga, etc), because they all perform at slightly different levels, although the difference is usually only a few frames so it's better to save money. something to watch out for is the quality of the fans in the GPU because if they aren't good, it will overheat and underperform. i'm aiming to get a 3060 or 3060 ti, if that helps. the only problem is that there is currently a worldwide GPU shortage due to covid, tariffs, and the cryptocurrency mining boom (gpus are used in bulk to mine). fortunately there is currently a crypto mining crackdown happening in china, where majority of mining in the world happens, so the demand for GPUs will hopefully start going down soon. you wont be able to build your pc right away but the market is looking better than it has in awhile. this is just about the only argument i have in favor of getting a prebuilt pc, because they have GPUs in them and are more readily available. i don't think that's a good enough reason though especially since part of the reason i'm building my pc is because it looks fun lol. another thing to note is that you should not overspend on your GPU. the shortage has caused a lot of GPU prices to skyrocket into the $2k-3k range but none of them should be above 1k except the highest end ones. when deciding on a GPU, search up the manufacturer's suggested retail price (MSRP). cards made by brands other than AMD and NVIDIA will almost always cost a little extra, but do not pay hundreds of

extra dollars. but anyways!! the GPU is now out of the way and is definitely the longest paragraph here because it's the most important part.

next up is the central processing unit (CPU), which you should be spending about 20 - 25% of your budget on. its job is essentially to retrieve instructions from the RAM and execute it. i suppose you could call it the brain. again you have two developers to choose from, this time between intel and AMD. i've had two laptops with an intel CPU and my current one has an AMD CPU and both are very good, however the general consensus is that you can get the same performance for less by going with AMD. CPUs have cores, and each core can run its own process. the more cores you have, the more your pc can think about basically. you can get CPUs will all sorts of amounts of cores but for gaming, 4 or 6 cores is all you really need. 8 is actually already a bit overkill. so you really don't need to get the best CPU out there. the one you get should depend on what GPU you get (hence choosing that component first). you don't want to bottleneck your GPU by getting a CPU that isn't good enough for it, but bottlenecking your CPU with the GPU by a small amount isn't as big of a deal because the goal is to allow your GPU to be used to its full ability. another detail about CPU is clock speed, which determines how quick it can complete tasks. the higher the faster, obviously. my (non gaming) laptop's CPU clock speed is 2.30 GHz and has 4 cores. the cpu i have for my build is the AMD ryzen 5 5600x. it has a base clock speed of 3.7 GHz but it can be maxed out to 4.6 GHz, and it has 6 cores. the oculus quest 2 has a minimum requirement of the AMD ryzen 5 1500x or the intel i5-4590, which is a little low on the performance list. but like i said the CPU should depend on the GPU. all it takes is a google search for which CPU goes best with the GPU you've chosen and you can find several answers depending on if you want the best possible performance, best budget performance, etc.. a nice little fact about choosing AMD over intel is that most AMD CPUs will come with a stock cooler, which is absolutely necessary otherwise your CPU will overheat (this is another thing prebuilts will cheap out on). this only adds to the whole price-to-performance thing. the stock cooler will most likely do unless you push your pc or want the build to look prettier.

next on the list is a motherboard, where all the parts come together in unity. you should spend 8 - 10% of your budget on this baby. it's easy to over and underspend on a mobo. the most important thing when it comes to choosing a mobo is that it supports your CPU. you cannot use the same mobo for intel and AMD CPUs. fortunately the product page will straight up tell you which CPU brand the mobo is meant for and will typically have two versions of the same board. it's important to note that motherboards don't always have onboard wifi, meaning it wont be able to connect to the internet via wifi and instead needs an ethernet cable or an external wifi adapter. if you can't get an ethernet cable to the room where you want your pc, you're going to need onboard wifi, or a wifi card/usb. onboard wifi mobos tend to be more expensive so it's up to you, but i personally bought one with wifi included so i wouldn't have to worry about it because our ethernet cables are in the basement and i'm upstairs. another very important thing about motherboards is that their BIOS version (operating system i guess?? idk how else to describe it) doesn't always support your CPU out of the box and must be updated before using it. this can present as a problem if you don't have another CPU to perform the update with, however some motherboards allow you to 'flash' the BIOS with a only usb drive as long as it's hooked up to power. there are plenty of step by step youtube videos about how to do this. i will have to do this with my motherboard when the time comes because it doesn't support ryzen 5s out of the box. don't let this deter you from getting a certain board as long as it has a BIOS flash feature. next up is what I/O ports you want, which are the ports (usb ports, headphone/mic jack, hdmi port, etc) you'd find on the back of any desktop computer. that is the side of the motherboard. basically just be aware of how many of each ports you want, and remember that there will probably be even more ports on the front of the case you get. the last thing i can think of right now is making sure your motherboard has all the headers (where you plug components in) you want it to have but i'll get to that later.

next up on the list is RAM, aka random access memory. this stores short term data. the amount of RAM you have kind of determines how much your pc can multitask. RAM sticks typically go up by some multiple of 2GB. most standard laptops and desktops nowadays will come with 8GB of RAM, which is enough for day to day use. it can be enough for mid and low end games however it cuts it pretty close most of the time. 16GB of RAM is the sweet spot for gaming and anything above that is pretty much overkill (and once again a waste of money) as long as you don't have a billion unnecessary background processes. a large amount of RAM is typically needed for video editors or computer programmers. you should always make sure your motherboard can support the amount of RAM you want although any good motherboard will support 64GB or even 128GB. the best option is to get a 16GB RAM pack, which will include two 8GB RAM sticks. splitting RAM between two sticks will increase efficiency. this is called dual channel. i also recommend getting DDR4 RAM, which is simply faster than DDR3. a good speed to have is around 3600 MHz. make sure your motherboard supports DDR4. you also want to be weary that your RAM is compatible with your CPU brand because they do have to interact for your pc to function.

next is storage. there are three-ish options here depending on how much you're willing to spend. generally you should spend 8 - 10% of the budget here. you can always get a good ole hard drive for the cheapest, however they are the slowest and physically biggest option, meaning whatever you put on it will take a bit longer for your pc to retrieve and open (they can load about 100-200MB of data per second). the next option is a solid state drive. they are a little more expensive but can load as much as 600MB of data per second and take up less space. the last and most efficient/expensive option is an m.2 nvme drive. these things are physically absolutely tiny and can load up to 4GB of data per second. anything you put on these will open very very quickly. the fairly standard solution for this is a combination of two of these three. personally i'm using one m.2 drive and one hard drive. the hard drive i have can store 2TB while the m.2 drive can only store 256GB. funnily enough these two drives are roughly the same price. the idea here is to install your operating system on the faster drive. this makes it so it only takes like 8 seconds tops for your pc to start up. you can also put any other programs you use most often on there (like your main browser and favourite games) and they will open very quickly, while the bulk of your games and other files will go on the bigger drive. that's all there really is to say for storage, just make sure the reviews are good on the drive you want to get, but that goes for any component.

next is your power supply (PSU). very very important to not cheap out on this. 6 - 8% of the budget should go to this. the function of the PSU is to do exactly what its name implies: supply power to all the components. this is where the website pcpartpicker can come in very handy. not only does it help you build a list of parts that are all compatible with each other, it will also estimate how much wattage you will need to run your pc. 600W is usually enough for a normal gaming pc. PSUs are ranked, and you should never really go below a bronze ranking. you can also choose between non-modular, semi-modular, and fully-modular PSUs. non-modular PSUs have all the cables permanently attached. this can be desirable to people who are confused by what cable is plugged in where but also undesirable as unused cables cannot be removed and make cable management harder. fully-modular PSUs come with the cables all in a separate bag so you choose which ones to plug in. semi-modular power supplies have the necessary cables attached and the rest can be attached need be. it all depends on preference and how much faith you have in yourself. i have an 80+ gold certified fully modular 750W PSU because the thought of unnecessary cable management makes me sick lol. corsair is pretty much the most trusted brand for power supplies. be careful because this is another place prebuilts will cut corners.

now for the case! this one isn't overly difficult to choose and mainly will just appeal to your aesthetics. it's less important to stick to a precise percent of the budget for this one but you also don't want to spend more than 8%. do you want a black case? a white one? do you want a glass side panel so you can see inside your pc and admire your hard work? besides that, you also need to make sure the case is big enough for your motherboard, GPU, and PSU. most info pages for cases will tell you the max size of the GPU and PSU and what size of mobo it's meant for. you also want to make sure there is a place to put your storage drives (unless you only have m.2 drives which are installed on the motherboard). you also want to make sure it has optimal airflow abilities. a case with no airflow will cause overheating. the best ones have mesh fronts and tops to allow cool air to be pulled in and hot air out. it's even better if you can get a case that comes with fans in the front, because they are what pulls that cool air in.

next is the CPU cooler, which i briefly mentioned. if you don't get an AMD CPU then you'll need to buy a separate cooler. you can choose between air coolers (a fan and a heatsink) or liquid coolers. i don't really have much to say about them and i recommend doing your own research on liquid coolers lol.

last but not least, case fans. like i said a lot of cases will come with front fans and also an exhaust fan at the back, however you might want more, or even replace the ones you already have with better ones. pay attention to how many fans your case manual says can fit and plan accordingly. check out reviews to see if the fans you want are quiet and efficient. if you buy a three pack of case fans there is a chance it will come with a fan hub. this makes it easier to control all of them in sync because the hub will connect all the fans to one header on the motherboard. generally 3-6 fans are pretty good for a gaming pc. two or three in the front pulling in cool air, one at the back and two on the top to pull out hot air.

now that i have all the components out of the way i'm gonna talk about RGB lighting. numerous components that i've mentioned have the option of including LED lights to make your pc brightly coloured, which is always nice if you have a glass side panel on your pc. it's an extra bit of money but i personally was willing to sacrifice that because i want to show off my build lmao. motherboards, RAM sticks, GPUs, CPU coolers, and case fans are the main components that can come with RGB lighting. you can also get special LED strips and power connectors designed for PCs. if you decide to go for RGB lighting, do try to stick to one RGB ecosystem, meaning make sure all the RGB components can be controlled by one program. RGB is controlled by your motherboard. for example if you get an asus motherboard you'll probably want to use their program, aura sync. most components can be controlled by any brand's program however if the motherboard itself has RGB lighting it can only be controlled via its own brand's program, along with the GPU. if you want RGB case fans you really have to make sure your motherboard has RGB headers (the thingy on the motherboard where you plug the fan's LED lights into). most motherboards will only have two-ish RGB headers so if you're going to buy a bunch of fans make sure they come with a fan hub, which lets you plug them all into one header on the motherboard. also, never sacrifice performance for RGB. specifically when it comes to GPUs. if you have a choice between a GPU with RGB and a GPU without RGB, always take the one that has better performance (given it's within the parameters i mentioned earlier).

that's all i have to say :) if you couldn't tell i really love this stuff. i will also recommend you watch youtube videos about this, you can see the build process and the reasoning for using each component, and also tips on what to do and what not to do. i hope this helps and wasn't too confusing. i know you said this is mainly because you got an oculus quest 2 but if you're going to get a gaming pc you should definitely consider games outside of the oculus too.

[lovesaadiqa]

BBL Costs, Prep + Recovery

Im booked!!  I talked to a few friends who I know either got this surgery or is getting this done.  I wanted one since forever but I wanted my teeth done first.  The deciding factor came down to my birthday plans.  

Originally I was going to do a birthday tour.  First weekend of October in Miami for carnival, 2nd weekend in Atl for Freak Nik, 3rd weekend in Bahamas and finally Nola for the finale.  Well Nola was just hit with a storm so yeah that’s out. Once I totaled up the flights, hotels, food and spending money.. I was like hmm, I can get a fat ass and started this process.  Immediately looked into surgeon and Dr. Pena was my favorite, his bodies come out so mf snatched, he’s located in Columbia.  Columbian surgeons can take out way more fat than American doctors however, the fatality rate is stupid and ultimately the factor that made me choose an American doctor.  

The next step was choosing the surgeon for the body I have and the one I want.  I weigh 151 and im 5′6″ I’m considered a “skinny bbl”.  I started researching doctors in Atlanta (so I could recover at home) and Miami (like duh).  I chose to go with Dr. Desouza in Miami with CG Cosmetics for a few reasons.  First, I love the look of his skinny bbl’s on other women with the same body type, weight and height as me.  Secondly, he was having a special for the end of the year (lipo 360, bbl, jplasma for $6500 for the surgeon I wanted) this almost sold me but it was the surgery date!!  Jplasma is skin tightening procedure to help with loose skin, you can only get this with lipo.  When they perform lipo they created canals under your skin to remove the fat.. well those same canals are essential when getting Jplasma.

Ok so I decided on the surgeon, contacted the cosmetic group and had a consultation which is pretty much just front, side and back view pictures.. I think they use this to make sure you don’t need a tummy tuck prior to surgery.  They also asked me questions about previous surgeries and if i’ve ever had anesthesia.  The next step went pretty quickly, we talked about what would be lipo’d (abs, waist, back.. I wanted inner thighs, an additional 2k, but was advised to wait on my pre-op to decide), when I wanted to book and how I'd pay.  My consult was on August 30th.. I bitched up when she attempted to take my payment.  I am a money hoarder and spending that much money made me feel like I was being financially irresponsible.  I called one of my Aunt’s who I felt wouldn’t judge me and also give me sound advise.  We talked about my fears, why I was getting the procedure and of course money.  My Aunt gave me excellent advice, reassured me and is a professional CNA who offered to accompany me so yeah I dare not turn that down, lol.  August 31, 2021, I called my coordinator (the contact between me and my surgeon) and told her I wanted to book, she asked me when I’d be ready and I requested first available which was 9/20/21!! Excited is an understatement.. I'd be 24 days post op on my birthday.  After I calmed down I paid in full for multiple reasons:  had to in order to secure the date, all surgeries book in this year had to be paid in full, it was the only way to get the discount.. My coordinator gave me so much information I couldn’t see straight (I was also high as shit off life thinking about a fat ass and me in the same sentence).. she emailed + texted everything, congratulated me and we hung up.

I get the emails:  “raise you hemoglobin with these vitamins” I purchased vitamin C $2, folic acid $2, iron $3 and floradix $35 - amazon, I take them as directed on the bottle and start eating my ass off (just to give my surgeon more to work with, lol).  Talking to one of my gf’s I realize I have to be cleared for surgery?!?!  What?  I open my email and sure enough I have to have blood work done 15-20 prior to surgery, it was 9/3 and a Friday.. SHIT!! I fly over to an Piedmont Wellstreet urgent care facility as recommended by my friend (she started this process as well so I was crazy grateful for her experience and that she shared it with me).  Urgent care was full but opened the next day, my ass was in that line at 7:32 am, I was the 13th person in line and they opened at 8.  I get to the desk and my appointment is at 10:30 and I'd have to pay the office visit fee to be seen, it was $155.  I came back at my allotted time and was told how much all of my labs would be.. $302.  My labs were to be processed and faxed to my surgeon by 9/9 because Labor Day weekend so.. yeah.  

I discuss accommodations with my Aunt and realize it’s cheaper, safer and more beneficial for me to go to a recovery house.  I search high and low baby and most of them were booked.. found one regardless with lymphatic massages included called Flawless Recovery House.  This wasn’t my 1st-6th option but the one with availability on my surgery date so I paid a deposit to hold onto my spot.  Total was $1312 for 5 days with 5 massages, I paid a $200 deposit.  Next, I booked my flight, round trip $116 with Delta.  My surgery date is on a Monday, I have to have my pre-op done on the Saturday prior so I booked a hostel from the 18th-20th on booking.com for $66.  I know I could have gotten an airbnb or hotel room but I wanted this experience.  I want to go to Amsterdam and stay in a hostel so I need to know what to expect.  Also I cannot party, smoke, drink or eat before surgery so fuck it.. a hostel will do, lol. 

I smoke big fucking weed and watched someone else’s bbl journey today and realize if I fail the drug test, my surgery will be cancelled and it’ll cost me $1500 to reschedule.  Boy the shit sent me into panic mode like I've never experienced before, only to find out the weed isn’t the issue nicotine is, it slows down your heart rate.  I can smoke weed just not out of a wood or a rillo and nicotine takes 3-4 days to get out of your system so a bitch barely made it.  I just won't be smoking until I get back home lol.  Just to be super informative no alcohol, diabetic meds, cocaine, pcp or anything that will fool with your heart or makes your bleed.  Today is 9/11 and im one week out from my pre-op... my body is a joke cause I haven’t gained a single pound and normally it’s nothing for me to put on weight.  I took my acrylics off, when you’re put to sleep they monitor your oxygen levels with those clamps they put on your fingers and they aren't the most accurate when you have on dark polish or acrylics.  I also cannot wear lashes cause when they go to fill this ass in I'll be laying flat on my face.  I mean my hair didn’t have requirements but I figure since im naked I might as well be bald.. y'all should see me rn, I look very much like a young man but im hype.  I’ll be back later to tell y'all what I pack and purchase prior to my flight.  Imma put the dates at the end of each update.. today is 9/11/21

My surgery group send me list of supplies  that I would need and the cost came to roughly $1100.  Naive me was definitely going to purchase everything on the list from them until I saw Leslie’s (@prettyhaute - on ig) bbl vlog.  I went on amazon and got away with murder.  Below I’ll list what I purchased and the price I paid versus what the surgery center was quoting me.

Faja - I paid $74.69 - Quoted $160.50 || BBL Pillow - $26.99 - Qouted $42.80 || Arnica pills - $8.95 - Quoted $37.45 || Compression socks - $13.99 for 3 - Quoted $10.70 for 1 || Foams - $17.99 for 3 - Quoted $64.20 for 3 || Scar Cream  $$29.82 - Quoted $80.25 || Arnica Gel - $7.92 - Quoted $21.40 || 

There a shit ton of items on the suggested list that I didn't purchase but way more items that wasn’t on the list I still need for instance:

Crocs, benadryll, robe, adult diapers, straws, earplugs, liquid iv, stool softener, antiseptic body wash, avocado float, back board, urinal, pineapple juice, throat calm, 3 moo-moo’s and a massage roller (the crocs are the only thing on this list that cost more than $20).  My flight is at 7:15a tomorrow and im so damn nervous but excited.  I will spend Saturday and Sunday gallivanting around Miami and then body , ody, ody, ody, ody, ody.  I still have to send my entire itinerary to my aunt but I think im all set.  9/17/21

Pre-op was packed but I went on Saturday and was in and out in an hour.  I was charged for a covid $80, 3 post-op massages $150 and a drug test $20.  I went over my clearance paper work with a medical assistant who also took 9 before pics of me.  Keep in mind, your surgery can be cancelled or reschedule if all of you labs aren’t at the surgery center on pre-op day.  I cannot stress how important it is to take your labs with you!!!  Mine were faxed over from urgent care but I was also provided copies which I took with me.  The photos were sent directly to my surgeon to analyze before surgery.  From my knowledge, I was also to be fitted for my faja but that never happened, do NOT leave pre-op without a faja!!! I paid for 3 massages from CG totaling $150 which I regret badly.  I do NOT recommend getting massages from the surgery center.  There are 4-5 different surgeons performing surgeries on any given day and they do at minimum 4 surgeries per day, that’s at least 15-20 different girls with the same surgery and post-op date.  CG had 2 massage therapists to drain 15-20 girls.  I was drained for 9 mins, your drain massages should last at least 45 mins for maximum drainage.  I only used 1 of the 3 massages I paid for and was denied a refund.  That is a huge downside to CG once they have your money good fucking luck getting it back! Ps. Ellie was a royal fucking cunt!!!!!  She told my medical assistant that I didn’t need a faja so I was never fitted for one and woke up out of surgery with a binder on versus a faja like I should have.  I wanted to slap the shit out of her and took the charge on the chin but I wanted my surgery so I refrained.. I was put on a 12 hour fast and contacted an hour after pre-op with my surgery address and time.  My fast started at 7pm the day before surgery and my surgery time wa at 6:30a, there was a $300 for showing up to surgery late.  All I could bring to surgery was compression socks and a faja (that I didn’t have), I was instructed to bathe with dial (the orange one) before surgery to make sure my incisions weren’t infected, no lotion, perfume, deodorant, makeup, nails, lashes, no jewelry/piercing or hair products and no personals ie, purse money, wallet also you will need a companion or surgery will be cancelled.  I’ll upload all my paperwork at the end.   Surgery day arrive at the surgery center at 6:15 am how about the entire fucking staff was late!  Bitch I was outside in Miami alone with compression socks on and a moo moo, LIVID.  No one arrived until 7:10 am, baby I wanted to kill everyone but fuck it, it was go time.  I’m escorted to a room, changed into a paper gown, piss tested, my labs were reviewed again and finally my surgeon comes in!  We were in the exam room alone which was weird cause I was asshole naked but he kept it 1000% professional, he asked me what I wanted and I say “the fattest ass” he looked me dead in my eyes without a single hesitation and said “it’ll heal like a diaper”  LMAO.  I showed him areas that I wanted lipo’d to death and he marked me up, I didn’t aka e picture of my mark ups but shit was rolling by then, he walked out I put my paper gown back on and the anesthesiologist walked in.  I expressed my biggest concerns to him, I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want to wake up during surgery.  He explain why the drug test was so important because certain street drugs will have adverse effect with the anesthesia.  My anesthesiologist walked me up to the surgery room and I hopped on the table, they put massage boots on both of my feet and inserted an iv, the mask was put on my face and my heart rate went to heaven, I wanted to shit myself bro.  The anesthesiologist told me to make a tight fist, I asked what time it was, 8:08am.. I woke up to a nurse helping me into a wheelchair with a binder around my waist and I was scream crying because my entire body ached, I didn't know where I was and the anesthesia is no hoe.  I was escorted to my recovery house’s transportation van and taken to my damn bed.  

I chose Flawlesss Recovery House with Ms. Opal.  I paid a $200 deposit before 2 weeks before surgery and the balance the day I left.  I opted for a 5 day stay.  I loved it there bro and couldn’t imagine trying to recover at a hotel or air bnb!  There were nurses there 24-7, I was roomed with one other girl but the house had a total of 4 bedrooms, one of which no one occupied and the door was always shut but my room was the only room with 2 beds, the others had 3 beds.  I had a call button, it was love, the nurses came expeditiously when I rang it.  They made 3 home cooked meals per day and I don’t eat meat, they accommodated me with no hesitation.  I loved it man.  So couple hours after surgery I attempted to use the bathroom on my own and blacked out, the anesthesia is really fucking strong and took an entire day to wear off (for me), the nurses helped me pee in a cup until then.  Post op day 9/21/21, I went in to make sure I looked good, got a faja finally and received that lousy as drain.  Back to the recovery house I was able to walk finally w/o passing out and in went my foams, I also could pee by myself with the use of a urinal.  I was constipated for 2 days, first bowel movement was on post op day 2. I paid for an independent massage therapist named Tatiana, she used a ultrasound machine to massage me so I cancelled her.  When I took my faja off for my massage it was washed and dried by the time I was done, I took a shower and put my faja on with my foams.  I cancelled Tatiana because don’t let nobody use no machine on you until you are at least 2 weeks post op, hand massages only.  All the girls were getting massaged by the literal best massage therapist (in my opinion) her name is Brittany, I could cry she was EVERYTHING, I was tender but she put the painful massage theory to bed!  She taught me how to drain myself and how to open my incisions without the q-tip looking thing.  In 45 mins she drained 5 of those doggy pad things worth of fluid off of me.  I received 4 massages in 5 days.  I left on Saturday 9/25/2021 on Sunday, back in Atlanta, I received my 5th massage and that when I was told I have not one but 2 seromas.  I swear on everything I love it was because everyone wakes up from surgery with a faja on but not me (Fuck you Ellie, lil bitch) I had on a binder (its what they use for tummy tucks).  The lady who did my 1st massage in Atlanta was Bri, not gone post her ig cause she did a damn good massage but when I asked her to syringe drain me the good sis stuck this long ass needle in my seroma but could get the fluid out, cancelled her too (the massage was good asf tho but nah).  Tired and tried I bit the bullet and booked a packed with Dream Body ($455 for 5 massage, I think, don’t quote me look it up on there site and follow them on ig)  because they are the biggest name in Atlanta, Jayda Wayda goes to them.  The  most painful massage yet, yes Michelle lil ass is so strong but she will get the fluid up off you.  She made me tear up bad and no matter how much I screamed or even tried to push her off of me she understood the assignment, Michelle helped me get back into my faja after my massage and told me my faja was too big and to have it altered.  She recommended a lady on ig @siri2sir but to know me is to know I altered my shit myself.  Allow me to tell y'all, I look good asf!!!!!!! 10/4/2021 

[ikeservant]

Hello!!! Hope you are well! Uwu can I get some hc for Kenshin, Ieyasu, Hideyoshi, and Masamune with an Mc who is a photographer? (Lol idk how the battery and stuff will survive but oh well😂😂) thank you have a great day!

Intro: Mc is a photographer who just got done doing a photoshoot with her friends for practice, bringing both her regular good camera and her cute polaroid with some extra packets of its lil photo cards. She sees Sasuke at the shrine, wormhole, and BOOM! Sengoku time! Sasuke meets up with her and gives her a makeshift charger with some oranges, salt, and sanded copper (idk how science works but each of these things could probably be mixed with other stuff to make currents to conduct and charge stuff. It just WORKS.)

Kenshin: “What weaponry is this?” “A camera. It shoots stuff, but not in the way you think.” Mc explained how the camera worked, showing him the pictures she’s taken in the past. Is impressed with how it can capture a moment forever in a world where life is fleeting. When he expressed this, mc got an idea. “Just sit still and smile.” Seeing mc excited to take a picture made him feel warm and fuzzy so of course a nice smile would be in order. After a click of the polaroid camera, a small square came out. It took a little bit for him to notice that the image of him smiling was developing. “Now I can carry this with me wherever I go and see your smile even when you’re off in war.” He IMMEDIATELY snatched the polaroid camera and demanded/asked mc to smile so he could do the same and always have that image of her smiling captured in time, giving him reassurance that the memory of her smiling was consistent in the ever-changing world of war. If mc didn’t keep a close watch over him, he’d probably use the rest of her stack of film on taking pics of her so he could admire all the moments of her.

Ieyasu: When Ieyasu first introduced mc to Wasabi, mc was determined to capture a beautiful image of the cute deer in the courtyard setting. Ieyasu was nervous at first when mc brought it, afraid she was going to do something weird/harmful to his baby deer, but mc realized how odd a camera must look to someone in the 1500s (duh), and showed/explained how photography works and uses her good camera to shoot a pic of Wasabi sniffing flowers in front of the beautiful sunset. He was in shock that beautiful image was captured in an instant. “Does that image just stay in the camera?” “It can unless I go somewhere to develop the pictures, but I can’t do that here. I DO have this though! Say cheese!” Mc whipped around with her polaroid, clicking it as Ieyasu looked both surprised and flustered. As the film came out and began developing, showing his candid stunned face, mc had to run and hide it before Ieyasu could snatch it out of her hand out of embarrassment. He’s super camera shy so the only other pic she was able to get was him feeding Wasabi. “This isn’t fair.” “What? You want to take a picture of me with Wasabi?””…” Reading his mind that he wanted a pic of his love too, she let him take/keep a few pics of her and Wasabi and also some of just her, including a goofy photo that makes him smile and go “Look at this photograph. Every time I see it makes me laugh.”(Nickelback reference). Keeps them in a hidden drawer but when going to battle/going away for a while he secretly brings a photo of mc and tucks it in his clothes so it feels like she’s actually with him and gives him hope and light.

Hideyoshi: When he finally realized mc was NOT going to kill Nobunaga, he decided to go to her to apologize. When he entered however, he saw mc fiddling with a mysterious box with a weird circle on it, making him worried it was a sniper weapon for assassination. “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MISSY!” Mc about dropped her precious camera and became furious at HIM, causing him to go into shock. She sat him down and told him about cameras and how they work. He was still confused, but he thought it was very neat how it could capture and preserve a scene in time. He then remembered why he came there to apologize. As forgiveness, mc bestowed on him the beauty that was a polaroid picture of Nobunaga (Hidemama was #blessed). Likes seeing the sights that mc takes pictures of but is embarrassed when she takes pics of him. He decides to try his hand at photography, which at first he looked like a clueless dad with his thumb on the lens taking blurry photos. But, like his tea ceremony skills, he became quite steadyhanded and skilled, making mc lowkey jealous but also intrigued and excited what he finds photo-worthy and his vision. Would love a polaroid photo of mc and would put it on a stand next to his bed so when he’s not with her he can still be blessed by an image of her face.

Masamune: Mc was going through her camera memory when Masamune barged into her room, sword at her neck asking if she was from the future. Instead of being scared, mc was MAD that she almost deleted an important photo of her friends and lectured him on why this camera is important and why he shouldn’t be horsing around while she’s using it. He put his swords away and decided by the camera alone that she is definitely from the future. He would be intrigued by all the photos from the future and what certain objects, clothing, animals, and buildings he didn’t recognize, making him think the future was cool, especially the pics of food he doesn’t recognize that he wants to recreate RIGHT NOW. He wouldn’t understand the purpose of photography at first because he has more of a live in the moment philosophy versus trying to capture the moment/reminisce the past. However, he learns to appreciate the moments captured on camera as time goes on. Always carries a wholesome sweet pic of mc or a hawt pic of mc when away from her on dangerous trips or battle and has to fight the urge to show the pics off to everyone he sees to HYPE UP HIS LASS cuz looking at the pics helps him visualize how much mc means to him and he finally understood the beauty of photography. Loves the pics Mc takes every two weeks of Shogetsu so she can create a slideshow of how big the tiger cub has been growing like life in fast motion. Would hang polaroid pics up on the wall for the futuristic art aesthetic and its like a wall of his own lil family that he’s finally been blessed with. With his literary gift in poetry and mc’s visual gift of photography, they’re the ultimate art duo that’s both wild and has drunken their philosophical juice.

[simtrospective]

Would you consider making two versions of the same sim, cc and cc free. I'd love to see how slight or how big the changes would be and your creative process.

I decided to make goth-ish gals. Meet Lisa and Lisa:

More pics, process talk, and DL links under the cut..............

If you’re only here for the downloads:

LISA WITHOUT CC

LISA WITH CC

2 LISA’S, 1 HOUSEHOLD

Don’t claim, tag me, bleh blah etc

Lisa and Lisa are two different sims. I did not make the non-cc one and then apply cc; I did not make the cc one and then strip her down; I did not refer to one while making the other. I made two totally different Lisa’s, based on the same ~vision, with the same traits, both with one outfit only, for your simming pleasure.

If you’re here for the process talk, read on:

When I make a sim with no custom content, I don’t know what I’m doing. I go in with no plan. I went in with no plans when I opened up the game to make all of the non-cc sims requested here, probably because I’m so used to having sliders that I don’t know what I can/can’t do without them. For non-cc Lisa, I made a conscious effort to make a sim that looked... somewhat... different than my recent ones.

Regardless of what sim I’m making, I always start with the body! It’s a good warm up and I need it, otherwise I get, like... overwhelmed? just working on the face first? idk. Besides, once I’ve got the body down--not that I might not eventually change it--then I know better where I’m going with the face. I strip off the clothes, tweak x infinity, add body hair if applicable, and then jump up to the face.

The only other thing I always do when making all/any sims is to strip off their makeup, hair, and eyebrows, and apply a neutral skintone--always a neutral skintone at this point, even if my sim ends up the [palest/darkest] skintone--before working on the face. Then I of course choose each individual feature preset based on where I think will most quickly get me where I want to go, and start workin’.

So, these gifs don’t show off anything any other ~simmer doesn’t see herself, but since you brought up the process, Anon, I’ve included them here. The amount of tweaking I need to do on a non-cc sim borders on absurd and most of it is spent testing the parameters of the sliders. How big can I make these nostrils, etc., to figure out if I should swap out a different preset, and on and on.

I swap out full features roughly a million times. Oh, the time wasted trying to alter a nose to my liking only to have to scrap it completely. This is the most time consuming aspect of making a non-cc sim. Spoiled by sliders, I’m never happy. Here’s a few (really, just a few!) screenshots from my non-cc-sim-making process:

And even though you can see that the bottom row is what appears to be a finished sim... nope! She wasn’t my final result. I finished her, and then started over.

With the exception of those sims I shared during this round of requests, most of my non-cc sims default to a more... cartoonish appearance. You can (still) see this in my earliest sims, even if I went on to tweak them and apply face details, etc. (Mickey; Marion; this makeover series). Their eyes are bigger. Their mouths are wider. The noses are... nose-ier but without distinction. Yet, they’re plainer.

Non-cc sim making is, for me, a tedious exercise in zooming in, zooming out, thinking I’m finished, restarting in bits and pieces--and that’s just on the face. Usually by then I’m ready to OMG STOP but if I move on to the outfits, well, that actually brings me to a third thing I always do, this time when I’m dressing a sim for all categories, which is replace every outfit category with a Styled Outfit with a low/the least amount of makeup/jewelry/accessories, to work as a base for the outfit I actually want my sim to have. Then I dress them for all categories, fix their head for all categories, go back and add nails or tattoos or whatever if needed/I’ve forgotten, and then I tap out. This is more tiresome because I don’t do the little Styled Outfit trick for Everyday clothes, instead creating those from scratch when the sim is in their underwear.

The picture above is a collage of a few pics from the process of working on the cc Lisa’s face/head. When I make a usual sim, a cc sim, I almost always have an idea of the sim I want to make, and if I don’t have one before I go into CAS it is rare that an idea doesn’t present itself after some casual fiddling. I made the non-cc Lisa first, so I had an idea before making the cc Lisa, and because I have a number of presets and almost every slider in existence (I mean...), putting her together was a much quicker process despite what the collage might suggest. This is not to say that tweaks don’t happen, or full on feature swaps don’t sometimes occur, but generally I only have to start a feature over from scratch if I’m not ~feeling my idea. I usually have the most trouble pinning a sim down if I concentrate too hard, or too intentionally try and draw inspiration from a particular face. I’m bad at copying. I’m good at capturing essences--to my liking, anyway.

Of course, I have so much cc because I demand “perfection” as far as I am able to achieve it and by my own definition. Below are some screenshots that show some of what I have in my folder, and how cc Lisa looked before I started tweaking her. If you scroll back up to the gifs, you can see there’s a considerable difference in the bases I started with and how many changes I had to make to get to the end result.

Add to that all of the skin details I have, the facepaint-turned-eye-scar eyes I have (I’m addicted; I wish I weren’t), the accessories--on and on--and I’m just... look, the level of detail I can achieve, that’s addictive, too. Character design has always been a hobby of mine, whether it’s simming or writing fiction or, like, when I was a kid and would write up fake class attendance lists to play school with (???) so. That’s as deep as it is. I want all the cc because I need it and I hate that but there it is.

I mentioned above that my non-cc sims have a more exaggerated look. Even though I do think that I’m often heavy-handed in my cc application and lack an overall aesthetic, I do like the subtlety that having so much cc allows me. There’s a lot to--well, in order to give personality to a non-cc sim without dreaming all of it up and making it backstory, one must often (or, I must often) go broad with clothing choices, makeup, and even genetics: non-cc Lisa has the darkest EA eye color because she’s goff. CC Lisa has dark brown facepaint eyes that, while dark, are much more subtle and don’t have to signal her aesthetic preferences the way the EA eyes must due to lack of content. Does that make sense? Have you read this far? lol Also, looking at the picture below, even though I ended up swapping out cc Lisa’s eyebags for less obviously alpha ones and even though I’m not striving to enter the uncanny valley, I think that cc Lisa--though more ~unique--has a general balance and subtlety to her appearance that non-cc Lisa lacks.

So. I’m not sure I answered the ask adequately, but... there you have it.

I have two more pics: body and clothing comparisons. The clothing looks relate to the broadness/subtletly I brought up in my last paragraph and the body pics show, of course, the ~tats but also what presets and sliders and a skintone can do. I tried to make non-cc Lisa a similar shape to start with and it was not good.

And a little comparison pic using one of my go-to editing filters, which is not flattering here (lol) but which I like on 95% of my pictures.

Okay! So, that is it (that is it, after... 1500+ words idk). Thank you, Anon. Hope you’re still awake!

[promethes]

how an idiot like me got into good schools

A quick run-through of my academic history and how I got into good colleges will be below the cut! I’m also including a list of some of the schools I got into for reference. I apologize in advance for how messy this is, but my memory is shitty and I remember random things that I keep throwing in lol. (and for people congratulating me, thank you very much, but I got into all these schools last year lol! so keep in mind I graduated high school in 2019)

If all you came for are the basic stats and you don't want my rambling: I went to a public school GPA: around 4.4 on 4.0 scale (3.9 unweighted) SAT: 1520/1600 APs: 10 (4 3s, 2 4s, 4 5s) Extracurricular: mainly NHS (around 300 volunteering hours), StuCo, Varsity Golf, and Quiz Bowl

EDIT: comments made by the readers who reviewed my application are available here!

First off, I am not an einstein! I am blessed that I pick up on stuff easily and gifted in academics, but I’m nowhere near a genius. For a little backstory, I went to a public school in Michigan for the entirety of my pre-k - 12 education. When I was in the third grade, the district introduced an accelerated program. We took a quasi IQ test and if we tested high enough (I think the threshold was 80%? If I remember correctly I got a 97) we were put in a class that was 2 years ahead in English and Math. We stayed grouped together for the rest of our public schooling, basically a core group of around 20 people. Since we were the first year of the program and our grade was exceptionally gifted for some weird reason, it was a very high achieving group of students, so I’m going to include their stats along with mine for comparison because colleges also factor in your peers when they look at your stats.

I’ll start off with basic stats:

I got a 1520 on the SAT. My grade had around 5 - 10 people achieve over 1500. Some of them had been studying for years, while others (me) did not know that the SAT existed until that year and couldn’t afford any private tutoring and had no patience for the study books from the library. I’m lucky to have an aptitude for the skills they were testing. I did not take any SAT subject tests.

For GPA, I think I ended up with around a 4.4 on a 4.0 scale. I was around 15/350 when it came to class standing, so I was far from the valedictorian. I think our valedictorians got around a 4.6 or 4.7.

I took 10 AP tests. I got a 3 in APUSH, World History, Language and Comp (I fell asleep lol), and Chem (I will get into this class a little later). I got a 4 in Literature (I fell asleep. Again.) and in Psychology. I got a 5 in Calc AB & BC, Comp Sci Principles, and Environmental Science.

AP classes were really pushed in my high school, especially onto my grade, and I don’t like being told what to do lol so I pushed back and took fewer AP classes than most of my peers (valedictorians ended up with maybe 15? It’s crazy) and basically only took classes I was interested in or that I had to take because I had exhausted the rest of the curriculum.

I also dual-enrolled in 2 classes at the local community college since I’d exhausted the curriculum at my high school for things I wanted to do (english and comp sci). I want to make it clear that I never sat down and planned how I was going to maximize my schedule or how I’d take the most advanced classes, I just fell into it since we had already essentially skipped two grades. Most people didn’t dual enroll since they wanted the AP GPA boost.

For extracurriculars, I mainly focused on Quiz Bowl, Golf, NHS (volunteered around 350 hours in 3 years I think) and Student Government. I never had any leadership positions and just kind of fucked around most of the time. Most of my peers held several leadership positions throughout the years and did like a bazillion things. 5 of them even traveled to Europe for some science research thing where they presented their research. I was not that big of a nerd.

In junior year, I stumbled on something called Questbridge and decided to apply because I wanted the money for the scholarship. I became a Questbridge college prep scholar, which then led me to apply for the National College Match. I didn’t rank any binding schools so I didn’t match, but I did apply to several schools with their application. If you are a low-income high achieving student, I highly recommend looking them up. I was the first person in my school to do this program and encouraged my peers to do it too. I think 4 of us were Questbridge scholars.

As you can see, I had good numbers, which probably got me past the first wave of application look throughs. However, I’m fairly confident that what made me stand out was my essays. I always stress this to whoever asks me for advice: do not write a perfect essay, write YOUR essay. I can only imagine how bored those poor people are of reading about someone winning a soccer game or a spelling bee. Add some pizzazz in there. Talk about your flaws and your mistakes and your unique life experiences! 

For example, my personal essay wasn’t even in essay format! I wrote it like journal entries, focusing on my sophomore year when my life was Extra Tumultuous and I was going through homelessness. I did not say I was homeless once in the essay. I just did day by day entries of what my life was like during that time and through that the readers were able to see that I loved to read, that I am fiercely protective of my single-parent family, and they saw how I handled adversity. I want to stress that I’m not encouraging poverty porn at all. I did not write it to make the reader feel bad. I simply relayed what I thought about in a day, focusing on both big and small.

I also wrote about funny things related to academics, partly to explain my transcript and partly to be funny. This is the AP Chem thing. I actually dropped out of it after one term (so about a third of the way through) so I could dual enroll in a class I was interested in instead. My chem teacher HATED that since I was good at chemistry (hate it. Hate that subject so much) and tried to convince me to stay. One of the things he said was “You’ll never be ready for college if you don’t take this class! You wouldn’t even be able to pass the AP test!” so I said bet. dropped the class and signed up for the AP test that same day and showed up almost every day for the rest of the year and dicked around the entire class, taking naps in the back of the lab, sitting on his desk, cracking jokes about whatever he was teaching. I got a 3 on that exam purely out of spite with only half the information I needed. So write about stuff like that. It’s fun.

The fact that I had no guidance in writing the essays was actually really good for me since I just kind of let loose. My UChicago essay read like I was on crack, and they loved it so much that they literally mentioned it during the welcome speech for their little college visit in April.

And don’t sweat over the small stuff! The short answers don’t have to be perfect and mind-blowing, just answer honestly. For the “why Yale” supplemental essay I just ranted about how beautiful their library is for a good 300 words (at some point I said I needed my inhaler because it was that breathtaking. I made a Yale admissions officer read that.) I ranted about Howl’s Moving Castle to Columbia. I told them my favorite magazine was the American Girl ones for their arts and crafts! I have a friend at Columbia who literally sent them a picture of her in a duck costume as a supplement. They loved it. So don’t lose your mind trying to sound worldly and educated. You’re like. 17. Just answer honestly and don’t think too hard about it.

I was also extremely lucky to have a dedicated counselor who sat down for hours with each individual student to write fantastic letters of recommendation. She really made it clear what I had achieved and what challenges I’d faced.

So. tl;dr: I got lucky. Unless your parents donated a couple billion to the school, there are no guarantees. Sometimes you can have the stats and perfect essays and amazing extracurriculars and you can still get rejected because they don’t think you’re a good fit with the school compared to the rest of the applicants. There’s limited space in the student body. I got into schools my valedictorians didn’t get into even though I was academically less than them in every possible way. So let yourself shine through your essays and know you’ll end up in an environment that values the person they saw in those essays.

I got into a lot of schools, and don’t really have a record of all of them, but here are some of the top ones I can remember off the top of my head:

Yale, Columbia, University of Chicago (likely letter), Northwestern, University of Michigan, Northeastern, CWRU, UNC Chapel Hill, and a couple other schools here and there that slip my mind at the moment.

[purplesurveys]

1043

survey by egooverdose

Japan: What is one stereotype you associate with Asian countries/people? :/ :/ Uhm...

Jelly Bracelets: Do you have any? In which colors? Have you ever broken one? I seem to have forgotten what these refer to, but I’m sure I had a couple that didn’t last long. I wasn’t much into bracelets as a kid. Joakim Berg: Who is your favorite foreign singer|musician? Do you translate his or her lyrics? Beyoncé, I guess. All Americans are foreigners to me. I don’t translate her lyrics, nor do I do that with any other songs in English.

Josh Todd: Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what made you decide to get them? No, but I’d love a couple that symbolize important things or people, like a bowl of nachos for Nacho and each of my dogs’ pawprints.

kent: Say something in a foreign language? The word ‘kampana’ is Filipino for bell.

Kundera: What is one philosophy you have regarding life|living|purpose? Idk, I’m starting from scratch after the shitstorm that was this year. I have to find one again. I’m not rushing, though, and I want to give myself as long as I need to regather. Fuck knows I need to be kind to myself right now.

Learning: What is something you enjoy learning about? Off the top of my head, anything that doesn’t involve machines tbh. I can read about anything Wikipedia and encyclopedias have to offer, but I draw the line at factories and automobiles and engineering and robots and stuff lmao, it’s just not my thing.

Minimalist Interior Design: How would you design the inside of your own home? You already mentioned it; minimalist. I don’t want a lot of furniture and a lot of color in my space. I’d be happy with a minimal number of items organized in a meaningful way with some pastel shades here and there.

Miserable Weather: What is a weather-type that you like that not many others do? Thunderstorms, I guess? It’s been a hit or miss for me these days though; I’ve found myself crying more when it rains...but for the longest time I’ve enjoyed bleak and rainy weather. I’m not planning to drop it as my favorite just yet.

Morning: Are you friendly in the morning, or are you barely awake? I’m friendly at work from the start to the end of my shift because it’s the nice thing to do, and because I have to be. But I’m almost always anxious and on the brink of breaking down every morning. Since it’s WFH, no one from work has to know that.

Music: How important is music in your life? It’s slowly becoming significant again. I got a Spotify subscription for myself after years of sharing with Gab’s account lol, so I’ve been revisiting the music that I had to set aside for months while I had to grieve on my own. It was brutal the first few days and I cried a lot when I heard my go-to sad songs again, but I soon realized I need releases like that and so I’ve been a little more unafraid to listen to music each day.

Oasis: What is a band you remember liking from your childhood? Paramore? HAHAHAHA they were the first band I ever loved, man. And I’m happy I get to say I still very much love them.

Opinions: Do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (i.e. Abortion being wrong|right, Meat-eating being wrong|right)? If it’s the kind of opinion that will step on fundamental human rights, like being vehemently against same-sex marriage, then we will have a problem. Otherwise, I don’t care if someone prefers Android or having pineapples on their pizza unless they’re being an asshole about it.

Orchids: What is your favorite type of flower? Does it grow where you live? Peonies. Idk, I guess so? I don’t speak flowers.

Outerspace: Do you think there's a possibility of life out there? There sure is; the universe is so vast. I wish we’re able to learn more in this lifetime, though; I wouldn’t want to miss out on future discoveries.

Photo-Editing: Do you edit any of your pictures? In what ways? Sometimes I’ll add a cute or flattering filter; that’s the furthest my editing skills go. I don’t use advanced applications like Photoshop and I don’t know how to remove moles or stray hairs or whatever.

Photography: If you like to take pictures, what is your motivation? I’m not into photography per se, like it’s not a hobby of mine or anything; but I do like taking photos of special or funny events. It’s nice to have a memento for a little bit of everything going on in my life.

Poland: Would you ever consider living anywhere cold? Yes. Maybe not Norway or Finland levels of cold, but somewhere considerably cooler than the humid hot mess I currently live in. When I went to Jeju four Aprils ago, they had the p e r f e c t temperature I could ever ask for and it was sooooo perfectly and comfortably cold in that I got to walk around in shorts but I never shivered or got goosebumps.

Potatoes: What is your absolute favorite food? It used to be burgers, but my mom has been making so many cheeseburgers the last few weeks that I need to take a break from them lol. Right now, my favorite would be sushi.

Questions: Do you like to ask questions, or answer them? Answer them, hence this blog.

Quirks: What are some weird things about you? Depends on what you count as weird. By far, people have been weirded out the most by the fact that I don’t eat fruits and will avoid them like the plague. I don’t mind the reactions and it’s actually turned out to be a great icebreaker, so I whip out that factoid pretty often haha.

Quizzes: When was the last time you were tested on something? I had a blood test last May because we needed to know if my fever was dengue or something else. Turned out to be a UTI.

Radiohead: Do you like any depressing bands? After Laughter is sad as shit but I wouldn’t say Paramore is generally known by this image. None of the other bands I listen to would count as ‘depressing.’

Rings: How would you describe the size of your fingers? They’re long and slender, which I love.

Satire: Do you enjoy political satire? It’s a hit or miss. I generally don’t seek it out.

Singing: Who do you know personally that has a nice singing voice? Leigh.

Skinny Jeans: Would you wear them? Or do you hate them? I wear them, but I hate them. 

Smashing Pumpkins: Listen to the band, or take it literally and actually GO smash pumpkins? xD Neither.

Snakes: Would you ever wear snake-skin pants, or other animal clothing? I used to wear leather shoes because it was required for school. I avoid the practice now.

Snow: What, to you, is the best part about snow|snowy weather? You tell me, lol. I’ve never experieinced snow before.

Space: Do you like to have your own space? Are you independent? It’s definitely important to have it every now and then; I’m actually taking this survey from a Starbucks because I needed so baddddd to get out of the house. It’s the first time I’m out on my own without having to do errands since March, and it feels kinda nice.

As for being independent, I’ve been mostly a dependent person and I like having people to lean on, but my breakup has also been pushing me out of my comfort zone and to try out new things just by myself. We’ll see where this takes me in a few months.

Starry Nights: When was the last time you gazed at the night sky? Last Saturday.

Stockholm: What foreign country would you like to go to for a shopping spree? Do I really have to go to another country for this? Hahahahaha idk maybe Shanghai? The people there were dressed so well when I visited.

Studded Belts: Do you own any? What do you think of them? Nope.

Suave Shampoo: What is your favorite shampoo scent? Brand? I don’t have a preference for either. As long as it’s able to clean my hair, it’s fine.

Sunglasses: What kind do you own|wear, if any? Do you like them? I don’t really. I don’t like my vision getting tinted.

Surveys: How many surveys do you think you have taken since you've started? My old survey blog has nearly 1500 while this one has a little over 1000, then add what’s probably a few hundreds that I did in 5th grade but never saved anywhere...so maybe somewhere between 2500 to 2700 in total? Hahaha I honestly thought it would be more.

Sweden: Do you ever feel like you should have been born in another country? I think nearly everyone from the Philippines thinks this.

Swedish Fish: What is a candy you often enjoy? Gummy anything.

Tea: Do you like tea more than coffee, or the other way around? I love coffee; I’m drinking one right now :D I never enjoyed tea.

The Beatles: My brother gets mad if people say they aren't the best band ever; what about you? Then I guess I shouldn’t be talking to him.

Theories: What do you think will happen to you after you die? Sleep.

Thom Yorke: If you met your favorite musician, what would you ask him|her? If we were in a Covid-free society, all I’d ask for is a hug, really. I wouldn’t have anything to ask them.

Thought: What do you spend most of your day thinking about? I’m still grieving about the stuff I’ve already covered.

Thought-Provoking Conversation: What do you consider deep? This would be a little hard to verbalize and I don’t really feel like describing rn. I guess you can say this question in itself is deep, ha.

Tokyo: Where is a busy place you would like to go to? Aw man what an innocent question. I wish I could show this survey-maker what a trainwreck 2020 has been and how ‘busy places’ virtually don’t exist anymore, at least for now.

Unpretentious Gestures: If someone pays you a compliment, do you take it to heart, or do you pass it off as just flattery? I take it to heart, but I’m not always able to receive it well.

Video Games: Do you think they cause people to become violent? No. I spent my childhood going on killing rampages on GTA and I’m still unlikely to resort to violence.

Vocabulary: What was the last word you learned? The term ‘low latency.’ 

Warsaw: What is a funny fact about your heritage? Good question, but I can’t think of any at the moment. I don’t really think ‘funny’ when I look for facts to absorb but now I want to look this up haha.

Web Design: Have you or could you build your own site? My principal requirement for my Online Journalism class was to make my own website/blog, actually. But Covid blew up and we ended up having to cancel the entire semester altogether, so my classmates and I never got to pursue more of that class other than our first few meetings, which were used for lectures.

Winter: How long|cold are winters in your area? It does not even exist.

Words: How many pages of words do you think you type a day? Maybe like 5 or 6. It’s a WFH set-up, so I’m exclusively on the laptop typing away the entire week.

Writing: Do you try to avoid it, or do you embrace it? I embrace it as long as I don’t have to write fiction or prose. I like writing, but only through journals and surveys.