#I have a lot of audiobook to get through in the next 2 weeks.

[shiftingexpanse]

I didn't think I'd ever add another adopt base to my shop because they're so much work, but... I might be working on a new one, stay tuned

[lavender---sunshine]

in all seriousness i 90% sure im going to quit my job tomorrow and for a while i will have just enough money to live on and will have to spruce up my resume and job hunt and stress but MY GOD i need to do something else because this is making me suicidal

[simlicious]

Personal update about my anxiety

Time for another personal update! At the moment, I'm not really in a creative mood and my projects are all resting.

I am working on more stuff in my real life, including cleaning/decluttering my apartment and working through an anxiety app which will hopefully get me to start exposure (though I shudder at the thought alone). The funny thing is, the app is for social anxiety, and I do have some social anxiety, but I think I mainly have agoraphobia (but there is no medical app available for this at the moment, so I took the next best thing). The app said: "Let's make a gradual steps plan, you first choose a very easy step, then one that is a little harder and harder, and so on until the hardest step comes at the top." And for the easiest step, it actually suggested one of my hardest steps: going into a store, buying something, and interacting with the cashier. Checkouts give me such anxiety. I once had a full-blown panic attack because I couldn't remember the PIN number for my credit or debit card. And I very rarely get panic attacks. Luckily, my brother was present and he was able to pay for me while I almost hyperventilated and tears were streaming down my face. Generally, I start sweating and get shaky hands which does not help while handling cards and remembering pin numbers. I get tunnel vision and cannot focus on anything that is going on around me. Sometimes, blood rushes in my ears so I have a hard time picking up whether someone is saying anything. Then, all items need to be put into bags at lightning speed, and I always fear that I am not fast enough and that everyone else in line is annoyed and angry with me and this makes me even more nervous. Putting things away with shaky hands is tough! So I send my boyfriend shopping for me or buy online most of the time. If I absolutely must, I can go shopping with one of my loved ones because I feel a tiny bit calmer and know I have a safety net with me. They can also help me put stuff in my bags. But alone? That's nightmare fuel for me. Same thing with using public transportation, I just can't do it. I also have a very hard time sitting in waiting rooms at the doctor's office, I get so tense and do not know what to do with myself. Oh, and I also have severe anxiety when I need to make a phone call 😫 But all that is seriously impacting my life, as you can imagine. And I want to change something.

Since the app is not helpful with suggestions for my gradually harder steps to take, I have to come up with my own, and it is harder than I thought! All the things I think about are really hard for me, I cannot think of less hard steps to take 😣 Even just going outside without a destination/going out by myself is also anxiety-inducing for me. I feel like I am watched all the time, I get tense and my thoughts start racing or going in circles. This also happens while I am in a store to shop for something. I get paralysed sometimes with decision fatigue and if someone else comes into the same aisle, I have the urge to run away instantly. I get so distracted that I need to spend way more time in a store than usual and this is of course not making me calmer. I am just super exhausted after going shopping! I am proud that I leave the house twice a week now to go for a walk with my best friend though. We have just established a second day of the week this year, and we still do not go twice every week, but pretty often, which is great. And I love to walk in nature, it calms me (if there aren't too many other people around). 😊 I am also making progress with my borked sleep cycle. I am a night owl 🦉, but being awake the whole night clashes a lot with my family's plans. I have tried for months to shift it, but in the last one to two weeks, I actually made real progress and went to bed 2 to 3 hours earlier than normal, which is really huge for me! I found out that there are lots of free audiobooks on YouTube that authors upload themselves. So one hour before I want to sleep, I put one on, set a shutdown timer of 60 minutes so it will turn off after that time, and then go to bed and listen to it until I fall asleep. This has motivated me enough to actually go to bed earlier.

As a result, I get more daylight and I am more inclined to do housework, which I also struggle with in general, so this is really great! I am focusing more on that now. I also started playing Subnautica again, but I can only play for a few hours on end because it can get pretty intense. I kinda want to play Sims 4 again (weird, I know). My anxiety app wants me to think more positively, so instead of thinking that it is no use updating my mods because the minute I do, another patch drops anyway and I have to start all over, I should think more positively. I will probably drop the game after playing for a day anyway, so it does not need to stay updated for long! Maybe downloading and updating mods is more fun than actually playing anyway? 😆

[kernyen-xo]

Long time!

Firstly, how y’all been? I’ve been wandering in from time to time and reading some of your posts. I just haven’t felt like posting myself until now.

Here we go.

What In the World: I walked out of Daiso and almost gave this woman a heart attack trying to get into my parked vehicle. My first thought was why in the world was this lady sitting in my vehicle, and why in the world the driver’s seat of all things?! I mean, why not the passenger side or the backseat?? And, why won’t my key unlock the door!? And then, almost immediately, after trying to open the door a second time, I was like, “Hold on now.. Uh oh. Oh no, this isn’t my vehicle!” Holy hot pockets! I immediately backed away, put up my hands, and told her, “I’m sorry,” several times, and then said, “My mistake, wrong car.” She just stared at me through the closed window, scared shitless. In case she didn’t understand what I said, I stepped back and gave her a respectful bow, and then hurriedly got into my car, which was parked in the next row. I hoped that when she saw me drive away, she was able to put 2+2 together because we had the same vehicle (same make, model, and color). Needless to say the humiliation of it all stuck with me the remainder of the day. I am such a dweeb.

Houston, We have a Problem: Went to Houston last month for my niece’s wedding. I just want to say that I don’t get why Houston is the 4th most populous city in our nation. I mean, the weather. It is pretty miserable. It was super humid and most of us were bitten by these mutant mosquitoes! Every wedding event my niece had was outdoors or it didn’t have A/C. Like the inside pickleball courts. She had a farewell outdoor crawdad boil for her guests, and the wedding and reception were also outdoors. All the events were pretty much held in the Heights area, which despite the weather is a nice historical area. But, you know what? I was glad that I went to Houston because my niece had a great wedding. I loved catching up with my nieces and nephews! I loved the serve yourself margaritas machines! Great people and great food and drinks! The kid and I went to Tenfold, a popular coffee place where I had my first cold brew with lemonade. It was was delicious and refreshing. On another day, the kid and I walked to have breakfast at this cafe with a great vibe. Attached to it was an antique shop, which we perused after we ate. We also did some shopping at Rice Village. We wanted to visit San Antonio but our schedule couldn’t spare the time.

The Kid Jr: My granddaughter graduated from the 8th grade last week! I’m so proud of her. I gave her a Kindle, which I was pretty excited about because she’s starting to enjoy reading, something she didn’t like before.

Saying Good-bye: I also attended my aunt’s funeral last week. Out of 8 kids, it’s just my mom and Uncle Junior that remains. It seems like yesterday when my generation of cousins were kids and our parents were still young and getting into their own shenanigans. It was a sad and bittersweet day. There were a lot of relatives that I didn’t even know, all of them cousins.

Books: I splurged. I decided I needed to start building up my personal library. It’s been a while since I’ve bought an actual book. I have been reading on my kindle or listening to audiobooks from the library app, Libby. It was time to start reading from actual books and adding to my home library. I used to have over 1,000 books but I got rid of most of them because it was becoming too much to pack and move them - especially when I was moving about 3 times a year. But now I have my own home and I’m not planning to move - at least for 5 years.

So, let the book buying begin!

The current book:

If you love birds, you’ll enjoy this book. Amy Tan’s backyard is a bird’s paradise. In this world of birds, you’ll learn about their habits, heartbreak, wonderful curiosities about the whys and why nots of birds’ actions. A lot of times unexplained, but if you are an avid bird watcher like Amy, her reasonings as to why the out of ordinary behaviors were interesting and entertaining. You will enjoy her drawings too.

The Kid and Me: Here’s what we did at the wedding 😆

The beautiful bride and her groom:

(Houston, The Heights May 2024)

How can they look so good in the sticky weather?

The Kid takes a picture of Yours Truly: (Grass Valley, May 2024)

My Loves:

(Sac-Town May 2024)

This post has been brought to you by Toodles, Inc.

[songofsaraneth]

@onionjuggler submitted:

3 and 14!

From this books ask game!

3: What were your top five books of the year?

I'll be honest most of what i read this year was either rereads of treasured books (finishing up my RotE reread I did mostly in 2023), and then a lot of books i thought were just Fine. They were good enough to keep me entertained and then pretty instantly forget what happened in them specifically. So the ones that stand out from those that weren't just rereads are:

Exordia by Seth Dickinson: This book is a bit frustrating actually because it's SO CLOSE to being exactly what I want, and it drives me mad that it's not quite there. It also is a better read if you go in with the understanding that it's actually 5 novellas in a trenchcoat (publisher changed the plan, from what I understand). But it's the kind of frustrating that wouldn't leave my head for weeks after because what was there was so compelling. I will be reading book 2 the instant it drops.

Dungeon Meshi by Ryoko Kui: It was so cute and fun. I couldn't watch the anime when it started out so found the manga instead, which isn't a format i read much of otherwise. Great balance of silly, heartfelt, and using speculative bio to introduce a usually untouched element of realism to fantasy aka cooking/food.

The Paper Menagerie And Other Stories by Ken Liu: I mean I knew I was gonna like this anthology and just never got around to it to now for some reason. I like reading translated sci fi in anthlogies becuase you also get a window into what tropes are being used in other cultures/languages which is half the fun of it to me.

Monstress vol. 7 by Marjori Liu & Sana Takeda: honestly I love all of the Monstress graphic novels but this one had some fun stuff I apprreciated in particular. I also read 8 and it was good but not as suited to my tastes, and have 9 (this year's release) but left it in New Mexico so will read it once I'm back.

Emily Wilde's Encyclopedia of Faeries: this book was just a fun fantasy romp but what I really appreciated about it was that the protagonist was ACTIVE rather than passive despite being a more stuffy/bookish sort of personality. She just went outside and dealt with things anyway. I'm pretty tired of stories where the protagonist is just being unwillingly dragged along by the narrative rather than directing their own fate so I always notice & appreciate when books break that particular mold.

14: What books do you want to finish before the year is over?

I started rereading the How To Train Your Dragon books because they're very short and I am so close to my book goal for the year (95/100...). I won't finish all of them but I will get through a couple more probably. And I've also gone through some of the Hugo nominated novellas as well since I do usually read those most years.

Actually you know what. Gonna go back and plug HTTYD books more emphatically, because if anyone reading this comment imprinted on Animorphs you should give these a try next. They're not the same level of trauma, and the first couple books are WAY sillier, then the greater story arc comes into play and I am so invested by book 5, and books 8-12 just get me so good emotionally. Never thought I'd be heartbroken over a character named Snotlout but here we are! Also, if you're an audiobook, David Tennant does the narration and you get to hear him sing a bunch of funny little songs. Though the print versions have the authors cute scribbly drawings that go along with the story so can't go wrong really.

[authorsadiethatcher]

I wrote an update last month about what was going on in the Thatcher-verse and I think I might make it a monthly thing. It will give my followers a chance to see what I have coming up.

March was a good month for me. My writing went well and my personal life seemed to be steady on the good side of things. I’ve learned I’ll need to move next year, but I’ve got time. But if you are looking to read any of my books, this would be a great time to make a purchase. I need to start saving to make the move next year.

Amazon is where most people find my books, so here’s a link to my catalogue: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Sadie-Thatcher/author/B00B4MINAC

Smashwords is a great place to buy books, especially if you don’t like Amazon’s evil empire. You can find them here: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/sadiethatcher

Plus, you can find them at the Google Play bookstore: https://play.google.com/store/books/author?id=Sadie+Thatcher

Additionally, my books are available through Apple, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, and Scribd. I don’t have links to those stores handy, but if that’s where you like to buy books from, my books will show up there, eventually. I distribute through Smashwords and have to wait until the review team there approves my books for distribution. This can take days or even a week.

I should also mention that I’m also writing fantasy novels right now under the name Libby Feron. I am currently editing my next novel that I’m planning to release May 2 (there’s a chance I’ll delay, but I’m trying hard to get the book ready). That’s less than a month away now. If fantasy is your thing, take a look at my novels here: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Libby-Feron/author/B09PJ9J5RN

And if you sign up for the Libby Feron newsletter, you get exclusive content and updates like cover reveals before anyone else. I’m planning to write a few bonus scenes for my current series that will be exclusive to newsletter subscribers. You can sign up here: https://libbyferon.com/newsletter/

With the fantasy novel plug complete, let me also mention some of the cool stories I have coming out this month.

I’ve got two more books featuring TG in the Bimbo Beach Series coming your way. I will be submitting the second book Sunday (4/9) and the third next weekend.

I also have a new series featuring political corruption and bimbos coming soon. It will feature a shadowy cabal that uses bimbos as pawns to gain power, either through blackmail or as a carrot to entice good politicians to turn bad.

Toward the end of April, I plan to begin a series based on a reality TV show. I don’t have a lot of details yet, but expect to see that in the last few days of the month

I’ve also got a commission in the pipeline that should be good. It won’t actually see the light until May, but I’ll begin writing it this month. Multiple transformations and lots of lesbian sex in this one.

Finally, the days of Fake It Until You Make It being available on Amazon Kindle Vella are numbered. I have requested the story come down from Vella so that I may publish it in other forms, including turning it into an audiobook. I don’t expect anything to happen on this until early June, but this is your warning to download those episodes now so you can read them at your leisure.

[nightofnyx8]

Thank you for tagging me @roseofbattles!

Greatest Hits of 2023

1. I got my first real job as a teacher! After about 100 applications and thirty or so failed interviews (that was fun eight months of doubting everything about myself), I was finally hired on as the choir and orchestra teacher at a nearby middle school. It has been such a whirlwind (especially seeing as I only took about six weeks of string essentials in college), and I have spent many long days crying at my desk after school. But oh, how I love my kids. They drive me crazy and crack the weirdest jokes and amaze me all at the same time. It's been a lot trying to breathe life into a dying program and I get a lot of pushback from kids who just want to sing pop karaoke all day, but they've grown so much in just one semester. It's crazy exhausting but I honestly would never want to do anything else. <3

2. Reading-I've fallen in love with audiobooks and reading real books again! I've gotten to read a variety of genres and I really feel like it's improved my writing. My favorite this year would probably have to be Eye of the Needle by Ken Follet (thanks to @puolain for the recommendation). I'm currently working through The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy and Red Sparrow by Jason Matthews.

3. Travel- I had the opportunity to go to NYC for the first time ever and met some really wonderful friends! I really haven't been able to go anywhere else, but my husband and I are saving up to go to Spain in the coming months!

4. Writing-I've been delving more into chaptered fics as opposed to one-shots, and I'm been enjoying it! It takes a lot more planning and dedication, but that urge to write an original work someday is always on the back of my mind. We'll see :)

5. Piano-I've never been the best pianist, but this year has given me time to really go from the plateau I've been stuck on for the last five years and I finally feel like I'm making some progress again. I'm excited to actually start accompanying my choirs instead of faking it with block chords most of the time.

6. I've really built up my private voice studio this year and it's growing quite nicely. It's kind of fun to teach middle schoolers during the day and then private high schoolers in the afternoon.

7. I was invited to join a semi-professional choir by a few of my colleagues, and it's been such a joy! We've gotten to sing at some beautiful cathedrals and were invited to sing at our state's choral festival alongside some collegiate choirs. Next season's looking to be pretty busy, and the first year we'll be paid to sing!

8. I had to do a lot of first-time "grown-up" things this year (apply for insurance and retirement, bought a new car, first time with a salary-based job, etc), and while part of me longs for that safety net of college, it's exciting to actually start my career and begin the next stage of my life.

9. I've been Journaling a lot more this year! It really helps me get my thoughts out at the end of the day.

10. My husband and I will be celebrating our three-year annivesary in May. He is such a nerd and likes to take me on walks to see exposed infrastructure, but he is such a good man and I'm excited to see where life takes us next.

Bonus: I'm hoping to really be kind to myself and my students in 2024. Being a new teacher is very overwhelming, especially as I'm the youngest teacher in the school and it's been hard not to beat myself up over every bad day. But next year also holds the promise of always learning something new and sharing it with the people I love <3

tagging @whateversawesome @klainelynch @neejmorp @puolain @wondrousmay and whoever else wants to do it <3

[tryslora]

Welcome to What I’m Reading Wednesday on a Thursday, because yesterday was chaos and while I got as far as making my little graphic, I didn’t get to do a proper writeup!

I also managed to finish three things between yesterday and today, but that’ll get discussed next week—this is being done as if I were posting it on Wednesday morning as I should have done! Preparing AHEAD OF TIME is apparently the new name of the game for future!me.

Audiobook

I finished reading Heat Wave, the third book in the Incredibles trilogy by TJ Klune, and DAMN that was an awesome ride. Do you love YA books? Queer books? Superheroes? Complicated gray areas but also villains who are villains? Non-neurotypical POV? This is that series. I adored Nick—our POV narrator in all his ADHD glory. I adored the story. It was just so much fun, and angsty in moments, and SO GOOD.

I then started the non-fiction writing advice book Never Say You Can’t Survive by Charlie Jane Anders, narrated by the author herself. This book is wonderful, like having a conversation with the author, and it makes me feel SO GOOD. Even unfinished, I’ve been screaming about it every chance I get. It’s great to read a self-help book and come out feeling energized and motivated rather than shamed.

Physical Book

My physical book is continuing The Marann by Christie Meierz. I have a few quibbles with the book, but overall, I’m enjoying it. There are some trigger warnings that should be included, so be prepared for that. I continue to enjoy the difference in culture between the aliens and humanity. This is definitely a romance, and has that vibe and happy feel.

Ebook

I have a huge collection of ebooks in my Kindle library, many of which I am not entirely sure how I obtained. Some are freebies that Amazon gives to Prime members monthly. Either way, I’m not certain how I got Love Among the Stars by Claerie Kavanaugh but I’ve been enjoying the romance. It’s a quick, easy read, but too light and quick to be great.

Manga & Graphic Novels

My journey through Elfquest continues with The Complete Elfquest, volume 2 by Wendy & Richard Pini. I’ve reached things that are definitely not familiar! I completed the Seige at Blue Mountain arc and am in the middle of the Kings of the Broken Wheel arc (hopefully I’m remembering that title correctly). Continuing to love it. I fully admit, I want to kick Rayek often and do hope to get to see some character progression as it goes on. I’m very much enjoying getting to see the new things. My excitement grows and it’s hard to hold myself to only one chapter a night!

Since I received the latest volume of Black or White by Sachimo (Vol 8), I sat down and read it right away. I mean. It’s BL, pretty much what it says on the tin. Jealousy between two men—both actors—who can’t be out, but there are an awful lot of people in the know about their relationship. That said, they really have settled in to their relationship and that part continues to improve.

Spoiler for next week… Between Wednesday morning (when this should have been written) and Thursday afternoon (when I am writing it), I finished three of the above books… so expect some new things next week! I may have also discovered that audiobooks make thick unwieldy highly descriptive prose accessible to me, when I struggle to read it in a physical book. So that’s cool!

[sylvasa]

Tag game

Tagged by @dangerliesbeforeyou to list five things I can talk about for an hour without preparing. Thank you for the tag!

1. Ateez.

I only discovered them last year, when Bouncy came out (June 16th, a day after Yeosang's birthday). I was still in the middle of recovery, and wasn't able to game much yet. So I was lying in bed or on the couch all day, scrolling through various social media apps, amongst which tiktok. And when I did find them, I fell hard. I watched any content I could find on them for the past 5 years, bought so much merchandise, made my husband like them too.. up to the point where we got up early last Saturday to watch their coachella performance live through YouTube. My husband was even unable to sleep, scared I wouldn't wake up form the alarm and miss it. What a saint.

2. Doctor Who

I've only ever really seen new who. My all time favourite doctor is 10, but I really love all of them. I even have a huge airbrushed artwork done of the 50th anniversary episode, my favourite episode ever. Also arranged by my husband as a gift, commissioned from his friend and their airbrush teacher helped too! Okay my husband is great at supporting my obsessions. Did I tell you that I'm meeting David Tennant this summer!? We got tickets to comic con, including meeting and getting pictures with him! Just two more months to go!

3. Stormlight Archive

I've read this several times. First I read it by myself, then I read them out loud to my husband who is really into the series as well. Then, while I was recovering and couldn't properly use my eyes so I couldn't read, we listened to them on audiobook. I love everything about the world. I can probably rant for over an hour about my favourite character alone, honestly. If you like reading, read the stormlight archive series!

4. Elden Ring

This was the first souls game I ever played. My husband loves the dark souls series and I watched him play it a lot, but I never though I'd be able to because I can have a bit of a temper when things don't go my way while gaming. So he'd gotten the game for himself and when I watched him play, I was really amazed by everything about it. So before he finished (he doesn't game nearly as often as I do), I started the game instead. Then I cleared it before he did, and 4 more times after that, before helping him clear his run. After that I started to really like souls games, and I'm actually pretty good too!

5. World of Warcraft

I started playing WoW since 3 days after its European release on February 11th 2005. I have had periods where I didn't play much, but since a few years I'm back to raiding with some friends and I love it! I also push mythic keys, and of course have AotC every patch since then. New patch coming next week!

There are probably more, but these are my biggest obsessions, especially Ateez currently.

I am really bad at tagging so if you see this and want to do it, please do!

[lantur]

I can't believe I haven't written in almost two weeks. :// I really regret falling so behind with journaling on here. I want to get back to it, because it helps me process my thoughts. Long post underneath the read more.

notes on life,

I was thoroughly overwhelmed by my work trip two weeks ago, but I was delighted to get to see @thatisadamnfinecupofcoffee and @annespelledwithane again. Spending time with them (going out for ramen and to the prettiest tea house in the East Village, and then eating an entire buffet of desserts from two different bakeries, and staying up until 2 AM) was a mini-vacation I very much needed.

It took me a whole week to recover from being out of town for a few days. :// I truly don't bounce back from travel the way I used to a few years ago...

I've been in my new job for almost exactly one month now. The challenging transition phase is over. I'm still adjusting to being way busier than I used to be, putting a lot more mental effort in. It's tiring. Every day, I do roughly as much work as I used to do in one week at my old job, so I have to work faster and harder than I used to before. It makes the days go by super fast, which is disorienting. I feel like February just started, but actually the month started eight days ago.

I've been trying to keep on top of my personal goals despite all of that. I've been enjoying swimming and yoga. I cooked a new recipe, halal cart chicken and rice, and it turned out really good. I'm hoping to cook two more new recipes before the end of this month. I finished my audiobook of The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater, and it was so good that I kept thinking of the ending for days after I finished it. I started listening to My Best Friend's Exorcism by Grady Hendrix a few days ago as well.

I had my long-awaited psychiatrist appointment yesterday. I was nervous, but the psychiatrist was very kind and empathetic, and she is also another WOC. She has suggested starting a new medication to treat type 2 bipolar disorder. I'm nervous, but hopeful that this could help me.

I've been going through pelvic floor physical therapy as well for the past couple of weeks, which is quite a time and energy commitment - weekly appointments with the PT, and regular practice at home. It's tiring, on top of everything else going on with work, social life, home maintenance, exercise, etc., but I'm hopeful that this too will help me address longstanding issues with excessive pelvic floor tightness. I wish it could be fixed quickly, but I think it might take months to sort out.

I've been enjoying spending time with Derek playing board games, and cuddling my cat Westin and watching The Wire at night/in the evenings after work. The quiet time really helps me recover before the next work day.

I have been loving watching The Last of Us.

I had a wonderful time hanging out with my little nieces, five and almost three years old, on Saturday and playing hide and seek with them. <3

I had a dream that really hit me hard a couple of nights ago. I dreamed I got to see my brother again. We hung out, and I gave him a big hug. I was adopted, so we weren't raised together. We only saw each other once every few years, until our families became estranged. I haven't seen him in 10 years now, as we live in different countries. We're in touch occasionally over text. I wrote on here last fall that I thought I processed my grief over that separation, and found surrogate siblings in my brothers- and sisters-in-law via Derek's family. So this dream hit me hard. I wouldn't have normally done this, but I sent my brother a short text tonight, just saying I was thinking about him and I hope he and his wife are doing well. It hurts a lot. I always wonder if I'm ever going to see him again. I would love to give him and my sister-in-law a hug.

I'm looking forward to therapy on Friday. I haven't been able to have an appointment in about three weeks or so, and I'm excited to be able to process my thoughts and feelings with my therapist, and getting back to doing that on here by myself as well.

[kestrelvylbrand]

Get to Know Me

Tagged by @luck-and-larceny, who stole the cute lil section dividers from @ashenbun's post •°•°• and now I'm stealing them too!

Last song: The Parson's Project - Dr. Tarr and Professor Feather. I was driving home through a pretty bad rainstorm yesterday. Even though it was only around 5 pm, it was super dark and really coming down, so I was driving really slowly and feeling in a kind of gothic mood. I originally wanted to listen to this really cool Edgar Allan Poe album, but it wasn't on Spotify, so I went with The Parson's Project Tales of Mystery and Imagination instead.

•°•°•

Currently reading: Sourcery by Terry Pratchett. @vetinarivisuals and @luck-and-larceny have been bugging me to read his book for ages, and I've always wanted to, but I had several years where I just really struggled to finish books. With the new audiobooks starting to come out last year, it seemed like a good time to do it, so I'm working my way through all of them! So far, I've been going in order, though I may start diverting from it eventually.

•°•°•

Currently watching: The Great. I really enjoy it, it's a great show, I'm in season 2 at the moment. Though I gotta admit, in the first season, I was reminded a lot of A Royal Affair, and I kind of wonder if they took some inspiration there. Since it's only an occasionally true story, I feel like it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to take inspiration from another royal house.

•°•°•

Current obsession: Freelance work, sadly. My work has been crazy lately and I'm trying to get set up to be able to cut down my hours there a bit by doing more freelance work, but also that kind of sucks. Baldur's Gate 3 is likely gonna take over next week lol.

And then I just started my D&D game up after a few months of break and it's stressful and awesome and fun, so there's that too :D

•°•°•

Tagging: @vetinarivisuals, @dumb-hat, anyone who wants and hasn't been tagged yet! Tag me if you do so I can read it!

[redheadgleek]

WWW Wednesday, er Thursday

What are you currently reading?

A Restless Truth by Freya Marske - I got the last book of the trilogy from the library (A Power Unbound), started reading it, and realized my memories about what had happened in the last book were fuzzy, so I'm rereading.

Paladin's Strength by T. Kingfisher. Again, the latest book in the series was just released (Paladin's Faith), and I needed a refresher. Such a hardship!

Know My Name by Chanel Miller (audiobook). I think I'll have to switch to another format to finish by book club on the 16th.

Upstream by Mary Oliver. I've been reading a chapter every night before bed as a relaxation tool. Her prose is as lovely as her poetry. 

What have you recently finished?

Since I didn't do this last week, here's the books I've finished in the last two weeks: 

Sweet Like Jasmine by Bonnie Grey. I tried to keep an open mind, I really did, but it was light on details and emotions and heavy on "Jesus saved me from my horrible life and everything is perfect now." Even the tidbits at the end of each chapter on Chinese culture were spun through a Jesus lens. Thankfully, it was short. Not for me.

Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir. There was a lot that I loved about this book (Rocky was the best, the enthusiasm over the science was awesome, the ending was just right), pacing was a little odd, and at times the writing felt like it was for early readers, which isn't something that I expected with a book as heavy on math and physics as this one.

The Ladies of Grace Adieu and Other Stories by Susanna Clark (audiobook). I loved getting back into this universe and the stories were fun.

Part of Your World by Abby Jimenez. My friend recommended this book as I am always on the look out for the perfect "protagonist is a doctor" romcom. Overall really enjoyed it and the medicine was mostly accurate. Looking forward to the sequel.

Mister Magic by Kiersten White. I read this one because I heard she wrote it as a way to process leaving the LDS church and her dedication and author's note really resonated with me. The book itself fell flat for me about 2/3rd into it and I hated the ending.

Payback's a Witch by Lana Harper. Started this one around Halloween and it took me a long time to get into it. It was fine as a sapphic Halloween Hallmark special. 

Gwen and Art Are Not in Love by Lex Croucher. I wanted to read a light-hearted, causal, fun romp which this was until it wasn't. The last 1/4 of a book was entirely different than the rest.

Paladin's Grace by T. Kingfisher. This is one of the books that got me into reading again and it's every bit as good as it was when I first read it two years ago.

What will you be reading next? 

A Power Unbound by Freya Marske, Paladin's Hope and then Paladin's Faith by T Kingfisher, The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan (the last of my "friend recommendations for 2023 project"), A Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (still on the list), Prairie Fires: The American Dreams of Laura Ingalls Wilder. 

[inkovert]

Nine People You Want To Get To Know Better

Thanks to @freedominique for the tag! You sound like a pretty cool person :^) Impressed that you're casually reading about Foucault

Current Book I'm Reading: bro...the amount of books I've picked up and stopped reading in the past 3 months 😮‍💨 I don't know if I even deserve to claim I'm currently reading anything. But if I must give an answer, I'm currently buddy reading The Spear Cuts Through Water by Simon Jimenez with one of my friends. She chose the book and the reviews were off the charts and promised an unforgettable reading experience so I had to pick it up. And from the first few pages I read Simon didn't come to play. The prose is so beautiful that every time I try to read it it just has me itching to put the book down and write (anyone else have that issue??). So yeah. Haven't got that far with it even though I went out and bought a physical copy of the damn thing because listening to it via audiobook was doing it a disservice. I've also been listening to the second book in the Aristotle and Dante series by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. My friend recommended the books to me because I was looking for something lighthearted to read and it has not disappointed.

Last Song I Listened To: Okay hear me out. I'll give my honest answer if I'm answering the question literally but there's a reason for it. It was a song by Eminem but I can't remember which one bc I went down a rabbit hole of listening to some of his songs (maybe Do Rae Mi (Haile's Revenge?)). But it's because I went down a rabbit hole this afternoon of watching videos of different rappers naming their top 5 rappers out of curiosity and then ended up on a video about how black rappers in the industry view Eminem....so yeah. I haven't been listening to him regularly, just today bc of that (though he is a legend and has a lot of dope songs).

Currently Watching: Honestly, I'm not a huge TV person, I'm slowly coming to realize. I don't have an interest in watching any new shows that come out. Honestly, if I'm watching TV it's either a movie or something anime-related. I just finished watching Your Lie in April yesterday (beautiful anime from the animation to the storytelling). And I'm currently watching (and have been for the last 2 years) One Piece (only on ep 976 so haven't caught up just yet 😮‍💨).

Current Fic I'm Reading: Not a fic reader, sorry!

Next On My Watch List: hmm...oh! Across the Spider-verse. I rewatched the first movie a couple weeks ago so I could prepare myself to watch the new one once it hit Netflix, but looking at the run time of the movie is a little daunting. I know it's a masterpiece though and I'll get to it eventually!

Current Obsession: 🤔 One Piece? My WIP? Sleeping? Dismantling the patriarchy? Who knows.

Tagging: @that-chibi-writer @pertinax--loculos @words-after-midnight @wordsacrossemptypages @avrablake No pressure!

[wheelin-after-midnight]

31.

1. Who are you?

Vickie.

2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?

I'm disabled

I have very strong convictions and opinions even if I'm not open or vocal about all of them right off the bat or all of the time

I seem like a shy, sensitive, peacekeeping wallflower, and there are definitely times and ways that I am, but I will always defend my girlfriend and my friends just as fiercely behind their back as I would if they were in the same room. Disrespect or fuck with any of them in front of me and you will see a very, very different person. I can be terrible at standing up for myself, but I absolutely do not play when it comes to my baby or my ride or die friends. I don't think I deserve to have them if I show anything less than that level of loyalty.

3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing?

Sleeping, eating, watching something, playing with Nippy, cleaning, listening to audiobooks, going around the house singing like I'm auditioning for live theatre productions, going on little adventures with Brittany, talking to babe. Idk. Lots of things.

4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time).

I loved Drama, English, Spanish, French, Sociology, Law. I hated Science and Math.

5. What is your biggest goal for this year?

This year is almost over but next year trying not to let this move ruin me and hoping things turn out a lot better than I feel like they're going to right now.

6. Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Bruh, I'm just trying to make it week by week without losing my mind, okay?

7. What stage of life are you in right now?

The stage where everything feels horrible and suffocating and I can't stop it.

8. Are you more child-like or childish?

Childlike. I've always felt beyond my years, even as a kid. I feel as though childish implies immaturity, and that's not me. I have this childlike quality about me in that a lot of small things make me happy and fascinate me and bring me joy. As cynical and pessimistic as I can get, I hope that's something I always keep; being able to find the small, simple pleasures and remind others of them when they forget. Not letting the world and the ugliness of other people make me completely cold or hard.

9. What is the last thing you said out loud?

"You wanna play? Don't bite. That's not how you ask. You don't do that. No. Go find a toy." - to Nippy when I was busy and she latched onto my hand to try to get my attention.

10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now?

Big White Room - Jessie J and

Stupid Girl - Jennifer Nettles

11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes?

I physically would be unable to and would get nothing out of them.

12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same?

For a long time it stayed the same. I was grateful for the independence and stability. I'd never in my life experienced it for this long on that level. Now it feels like it's about to get worse again and it fills me with a lot of fear and dread that's been hard to shake. Articulating it to others doesn't help. They're very dismissive and just don't get it. I don't really expect them to.

13. Does time really heal all wounds?

Nope. Some wounds are with you forever and just randomly rip open and bleed for the rest of your life, no matter how you try to heal or how much of a handle you think you have on them.

14. How do you handle a rainy day?

There's nothing to really handle. I'm either at home watching it through the window or I go out in it and just deal with it. It's just rain.

15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?

I've never experienced either, but I'd say losing luggage would definitely be more inconvenient.

16. How is your relationship with your parents?

I've talked about this in other surveys. My relationship with my mother is very difficult. I think that'll bother me forever. My dad moved a good distance away from me and is always driving for his job. Our relationship isn't the same as when he lived closer, but I make a point of trying to call and talk to him every week or two.

Will you miss them when they are gone?

What kind of question is this? No one knows how they will feel while grieving until they personally experience it. Trauma and grief are very complicated things. I will probably grieve for/miss certain aspects of my parents, but also for the relationships I wish I had with each of them. No matter what happens, they were my parents. I didn't pick them, but I'm sure I'll have complicated feelings toward each of them being gone.

17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you?

Yes. Sometimes more aware than I'd like to be.

18. What is the truest thing that you know?

That no one is getting out of here alive, so we should make the days count in the ways that are most important to each of us.

19. What did you want to be when you grew up?

Mother. Theatre actress. Singer. Writer.

20. Have you ever been given a second chance?

Yes.

21. Are you more of a giver or a taker?

Giver.

22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind?

I try to, but I can be pessimistic too.

23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?

Everything post hip reconstructive surgery.

24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you?

Things that went down between my parents as a result of dad's alcoholism, a lot of things that have happened to me with me and my mum, losing Nan and Pa.

25. Who have you hugged today?

Just Nippy.

26. Who has done something today to show they care about you?

I sent Brittany some money as an early Christmas gift and she messaged me saying how it made her tear up at Elijah's appointment at the hospital when she saw the notification because she wasn't expecting it. Told me how much she loves me and how appreciative she was.

27. Do you have a lot to learn?

Sure. We all do.

28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?

A Walk/become able bodied

B have opportunity/transportation to get back into live/musical theatre, land auditions and consistent gigs

C Pick up guitar again seriously and learn/know how to play well

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel?

I have a very good memory, so I remember all of these things longer than I wish I did.

30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship?

Good, open communication, looking to come to resolutions, not fighting to win an argument or wound or get one over on the other person

Being able to compromise/give and take

Not going to bed angry

Laughing a lot/being able to have fun together

31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die?

A) wheelchair bungee jumping (it's a thing)

B) Be in a theatre production as an adult outside of the opportunities I had through school

C) travel more

32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?

A) hurting an animal

B) hurting a child

C) losing my independence and quality of life

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause?

I feel equally passionate about many, many causes. We'd be here all day if I let myself get into all of them. But anything related to the struggles and needs of the disabled community is a big one, since its something I live every day.

34. What does each decade make you think of:

The 19..

20's: my Nan

30's:

40's: WWII

50's:

60's: JFK, Patsy Cline's death.

70's:

80's: Bangin' music.

90's: My formative years.

2000s: late 2000s will always make me think of babe. We first met in 2007.

2010's: Graduating, Whitney Houston dying.

35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why?

80s, 90s and 2000s, all for different reasons.

36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song?

Ugh. So many. I can't choose just one. I love a lot of 80s Tina Turner, I love ACDC, Lenny Kravitz, we'd be here all day if I list everything, seriously.

37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country?

Canada. Current prime minister is Justin Trudeau.

If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be?

I would say more than a sentence, but I'd really want to drive home just how much so many disabled people are falling through the cracks and struggling and need help. There isn't much more concern, help or care at a provincial level. I feel like all levels of government could do better.

38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night?

I usually put on YouTube or Netflix to fall asleep to. Sometimes Disney Plus.

39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why?

I can't really think of any Disney villain I'm most like or even similar to, at the moment.

40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout?

No.

41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?

Fly.

42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?

Idk man. I don't feel like googling it.

43. What does your name mean?

Winner, conquerer apparently. My actual given name, anyway.

44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?

Depths of the ocean.

45. Word association

What is the first word that comes to mind when you see the word:

Air:

Pods.

Meat:

Ball.

Different:

Me.

Pink:

Panther.

Deserve:

Love.

White:

Snake.

Elvis:

King.

Magic:

Tricks.

Heart:

Beat.

Clash:

Family.

Pulp:

Fiction.

46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?

If I could meet someone I've met again, then Nan. If someone I've never met, then Whitney Houston, Nelson Mandela and maybe Tina Turner.

47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive?

Mm, there's no one I'd want to meet super badly. Maybe Reba, to say hello again as an adult, since I met her as a kid.

48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?

Probably not every single day, but there are movies I'll never be completely sick of. Bridges of Madison County, Walk the Line, Selena, The Reader.

49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?

This sounds awful. Am I supposed to just pee my pants? Wtf? Things to do would be the last thing on my mind if I were stuck in an elevator that long. For someone who has no choice but to use elevators in public places, I really don't like them.

50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?

I have had my life saved by doctors more than once. Some days I'm grateful, often I wish they hadn't bothered. I'm not sure if I've personally saved someone else's. I doubt it.

51. Make up a definition for the following silly words...

Fruitgoogle:

A knock off search engine that looks like a piece of fruit.

Ambytime:

Spending time with your friend Amber.

Asscactus:

Another word for my cat when she's being bratty and feisty.

52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?

Food.

53. What was your favorite toy as a child?

Baby dolls and barbies.

54. How many TV’s are in your house?

One.

55. What is your favorite thing to do outside?

Sit and tan and read, drink, swim, go on road trips/drives.

56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?

I say wow and admire how pretty the colours are.

57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?

Not that I can recall.

58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?

No. I'm pretty sceptical, but now that my Nan is gone I'd be slightly more open to experiences like this.

59. What is your idea of paradise?

Me and Nippy against the world.

60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?

I struggle with religion a whole bunch. I'm agnostic/atheist.

61. Do you believe in Hell?

I don't think it's a place you go. I definitely think it exists on earth.

62. What one thing have you done that most people haven't?

Been disabled since I came into the world.

63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done?

I don't feel the need to list kind things I do. I just do them quietly without fuss. I don't like to be up my own ass and I don't need recognition or attention for them. If you do, then you're not doing things for the right reasons.

64. Are you a patient person?

It depends on the circumstances and situations. I can be both incredibly patient and incredibly impatient.

65. What holiday should exist but doesn't?

Aunt's Day.

66. What holiday shouldn't exist but does?

Black Friday.

67. What's the best joke you ever heard?

There's too many for me to be able to pick my brain and choose one right now.

68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been?

First time I went to the Pride parade closest to me, or the one and only time I went four wheeling.

69. Is your hair natural or dyed?

Dyed.

70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front?

I have a lot I keep close to the chest and don't open up to people about or share with them, but I can also be incredibly up front if I want to be or I deeply trust you.

71. What is under your bed right now?

Nothing. My bed sits on the box spring on the floor. It would be too high for me to get in and out having it on the frame.

72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home?

Go home.

73. If you drive do you frequently speed?

I don't drive.

74. What is the world's best song to dance to?

Ugh. There's so many. Lately I've been bopping to coasty girl by Shane walker.

75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone?

Idk, that doesn't happen.

76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?

Either or.

77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?

I don't like zoos.

78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?

100%.

79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?

Well, yeah.

80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it?

Have/care for an animal.

81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick?

The freedom to needlessly be assholes to each other.

82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole?

Ugh. I hate the cold and my body doesn't handle it well, so I have to choose equator.

83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?

Definitely tv. I'm never giving up music a day in my life.

84. What do you think makes someone a hero?

How they move through the world treating/helping other living things.

85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in?

Arthur, maybe.

86. Name one thing that turns your stomach:

Elder abuse! Abuse generally, but big fuck you if you hurt vulnerable people depending on you for end of life care. Boils my blood.

87. What was the last thing you paid for?

I paid rent early.

88. Are you a coupon clipper?

Not really.

89. Get anything good in the mail recently?

No.

90. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling?

Bowling, out of those options.

91. In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So...

Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends?

No.

92. What insects are you afraid of?

Roaches. Fuck roaches! 🤢🤮

93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?

"If you're gonna stare, I'm gonna make it worth your while."

Or

"Disabled and fabulous" with the wheelchair/disabled symbol all glittery and shit.

94. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?

Idk. I have a lot of leggings with fun prints and patterns and things on them. Maybe those.

95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be?

Pizza!

Pasta!

Mint Oreos!

96. What are your parents interested in?

Not me, that's for sure, lmao.

Dad really loves what he does. Mum likes being to herself more than she doesn't. In her shop. With her dog.

97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?

No.

Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal?

No.

98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?

Plans.

99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?

When I'm feeling confident, happy, safe. When I'm able to be independent.

100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring?

I mean, given my physical situation I'd die completely alone in the woods but I'll give an answer anyway

1. Tent

2. Fire starter

3. Another human who can also bring 3 items of their choosing.

[trying2cope]

The social worker had said cleaners were coming, but I wasted no time.

I couldn't sleep anyway. I was legitimately traumatized. I could only sleep for like 2 hours at a time, 4 max a night. And if the doorbell rang I almost cried from terror. Even when I could see it was just my child's friend wanting to play through the window!

I cleaned. And I cleaned. And I cleaned. But I am not very good at it, so it was still messy. I joined Body Doubling groups. Body Doubling is a technique used by ADHD people to help us accomplish tasks. Basically if we have someone with us when we clean, it's easier. And since I didn't actually have any close friends in this town to ask, I turned to the Internet and talked on the phone with strangers while I cleaned. And I called my family and my friends. And I listened to podcasts and audiobooks.

I called and made appointments with doctors. For me and for the kids. Me because she'd told me that since my mental health was the reason that the house was messy they wouldn't be able to close the case until I had proof I was taking care of it either via medication or therapy. And of course the kids just needed to get their check ups done anyway. I had been meaning to do it, I'd just procrastinated.

Basically everything CPS asked of me was stuff I would have done on my own in the next 6 or so months anyway. Master and I had been making plans for how to get me better so my house would be clean. And he was making me better. I could feel my depression leaving me, slowly. Even without seeing the doctor to get medicine, having him in my life was making me mentally healthier, I could feel it.

I'd felt bad dating online for the past year. Like I knew if people in my life knew, they'd disapprove. Tell me it was too soon. Tell me that my priorities were out of whack. Tell me that it was dangerous for single moms to date. And all that without the added judgement of knowing it was within the BDSM community.

But there had been a burning drive inside me, making me keep looking, even after Dom after Dom that I'd start to think might be the one turned out not to be. Probably half a dozen or more ghosted me, after amazing conversations where we seemed to click. One of them was a catfish who tried to blackmail me saying send me Bitcoin or I'll publish the naughty photos you sent me. I didn't send him a damn thing and nothing happened. One of them made me scared because he had a dream where he stalked me through the forest and tied me to a tree and raped me and told me of this very excitedly. Another I called him and a woman picked up and screamed "Why are you calling?!" and hung up. Another gave me just enough information about his identity I found him on Facebook... and saw photos of his wife, from like a week ago. And so on and so on and so on.

And yet, I'd persisted. Because something inside urged me too. And now that after my long and very tiring search I had finally found MY Master, I felt myself healing. My brain chemistry knew, I thought. It knew I needed a relationship to give me the happy brain chemicals I lacked, to cure my depression. And it was working.

And because I had him, suddenly everything else was easier. Cleaning, working, making phone calls. All of the normal adult things that I had been struggling with were easier because I'd tell Master what I'd done and he'd tell me "good girl" and I'd be so happy.

So I made a lot of progress that first week, waiting and wondering about this cleaner that was supposed to call me, but didn't.

At the end of the week I sent an email to the social worker, unasked for, telling her my progress. The appointments made for the next week, the amount of garbage bags I'd thrown out (7). And I asked about the cleaner.

So she gave me the cleaner's number and name and I called. Left a message.

But I persisted the second week. We went to the pediatrician, got check ups done. I did more cleaning. Got 6 garbage bags out. I sent an email that week again. Asked about the cleaner.

This time she told me the cleaner has been trying to call me but I haven't been answering.

That was not true. If my phone rang the past two weeks, I'd answered. Which wasn't normally true of me, usually I only answer calls from people I know, but because of what was going on I picked up every time.

So I called again. This time I got a receptionist and I asked for the name. She refused to give me her number but took a message.

Finally, a few days later I got a call from the cleaner, who told me she'd come by the next day. "I had the wrong number!" he told me, laughingly and I felt better. I had figured either that had happened, that the social worker had just written my number down wrong so a 1 looked like a 7. Other speculations, that someone was lying about trying to contact me, would have been more insidious. "We need to do a delousing, right? I do that."

"No! I *told* the social worker they didn't have lice!"

"Oh! So that was a false allegation?"

I explained, about my ex not believing it was gone but it was and me telling the social worker. But apparently she hadn't believed me.

"Well, good! Then I don't feel so bad we haven't connected yet. I'd been worrying the kids had been suffering with lice," she said with a laugh, " but I'm glad they're not."

I had thought this was like a one time deep cleaning, and I'd been working on doing the things that a deep cleaner wouldn't have time to do, like collecting spilled pieces of a board game that were scattered amongst actual garbage on the floor so it wouldn't be thrown out. I'd been sitting on a stool in a room with a broom and sweeping everything the broom could reach in the circle around me, towards me. Then I'd painstakingly sort through the pile, sorting trash from toys and clothes and shoes and stationery items and so on and so forth. Then when I'd finish I'd take each pile and try to find a home for it. I'd had to buy many plastic bins.

The trouble with keeping my house clean I'd realized, wasn't too much stuff. We'd moved here with just a few suitcases and thrift store furniture and basic appliances just a year ago. We had not accumulated too much-- but I'd never done the organizing work of assigning everything workable places. Aside from the kitchen, where there was cabinets and drawers assigned to cups and dishes and pots and pans, every other room in the house I'd basically just assigned to the room. Like toys went in the kid's room, but we didn't have an organization system for them. Just like two big baskets, and we had more toys than fit in them anyway. So I had to buy lots of plastic bins and make one for hot wheels, one for Barbies, etc. Stuffed animals went into the big basket that had been the general toy box before.

And the kids had each grown a size, so now we had more clothes than fit in their drawers if they were all clean. So I had to go through the clothes, after washing everything, to pull the too small things and put them in bags to donate or give away.

And we had more shoes than fit on our one shoe rack between the three people. So I put one shoe rack at the bottom of the stairs and told the kids that one was for them. Because they were always trying to put shoes on as the last part of getting ready before going outside anyway, so it made sense for them to be downstairs, but near the stairs to make it accessible if they wanted to grab them while dressing upstairs. I put the other shoe rack in my room for my shoes.

And while the kitchen had some cabinets assigned, there was stuff like garbage bags and tin foil and dish towels that I had just kind of had out on the counter at all times, so I found drawer space for them.

And when I'd bring in groceries, we had a tendency to drop th bags and not unload them immediately. That is, I'd bring all the bags in and drop them in the living room, then look through them for the frozen and refrigerated stuff and put that away, but leave the rest for "later". And when one of us would make the effort to actually bring the bags to the kitchen, we'd often leave the pantry items on the kitchen table instead of taking the time to put them in the cabinets.

And speaking of grocery bags, we had far too many. Because we don't have a car, I had subscribed to a delivery service but they gave way too many plastic bags. I wanted to be responsible and recycle them so I had a cardboard box to collect them in but that one box turned into three and all of them were filled to overflowing because I didn't have a car to actually drive them to the recycling place.

And we also had a ton of cardboard boxes. When we moved here my parents had taken the appliance and moving boxes and thrown them on my back deck, again for me to theoretically recycle, except a few "good boxes" that they'd flattened and put between my pantry and fridge.

At Christmas time, delivery box after delivery box had come because everyone in my extended family, including myself, were worried my kids wouldn't get enough presents this year since I was struggling to eek out a living. So everyone had gone overboard and I'd resorted to pulling my couch out from the wall a few inches and hiding the cardboard there. But of course, more kept coming.

When the cleaner first came, she did not clean.

She was not insidious. In fact, she was a breath of fresh air.

Turns out, she was a former foster kid. And unfortunately, she was abused in her foster home.

"I do this," she told me passionately, "because I don't want ANY of my families to be separated. I believe kids should NEVER be in fostercare."

She told me didn't do a deep clean like I'd thought.

Instead, she'd visit and help me clean for an hour or two at a time. She'd also help with organizing if I needed it, she said. "Whatever YOU need," she insisted. "I am here to help YOU."

And she also provided transportation help. "Not for any and every little thing, but to provide for things the kids need. Like going grocery shopping or--"

"Can you take us to doctor's appointments?" I asked.

"Yes! Exactly like that." And I had an appointment for the vision doctor the next week so she penciled that into her schedule and said what time she'd arrive.

And she was off.

The next week she picked us up. My son's vision was fine. My daughter needed glasses. I felt guilty. Was that why she wasn't reading? No. It turns out she has 20/20 vision BUT she has "alternating extopia", ie two lazy eyes that take turns. "That actually is a good thing," the doctor explained. "Because it takes the strain off it just being one eye." That didn't make sense to me but I took his word for it.

Her lazy eye wasn't unknown to me. I had thought it was just one eye though. She'd worn glasses for it as a toddler, but her eye had corrected enough then she didn't need them anymore. "As they grow, eyes change," the doctor explained. I was just relieved that that wasn't why she wasn't reading. It really was just stubbornness. And insurance would cover up to two pairs of glasses for kids annually, so it was fine.

So it was three weeks after our first conversation and 5 weeks since the social worker had come when the cleaner and I actually cleaned together for the first time.

She came in and I said let's do the living room and dining room. So she had me sit in my stool and she swept everything in both rooms to me while I sorted. I put trash in the trash bag and what we kept I placed on the dining table chairs. She placed some things that were on the floor but obviously not trash on the couch before sweeping the living room to me. When time was up, the floors of both rooms were spotless, but the dining table and couch were covered. I admit this made me twitchy as I have less trouble with floor mess than surface mess for some reason.

"We work well together," she announced. "You did great!"

I was glad she thought so. And the house did look MUCH better, which was very good because finally, finally, after 10 weeks Master was coming back to visit again.

[awritingcaitlin]

February Wrap-Up

February simultaneously felt long and short. I saw a post saying how January and February of this year have both felt like 5 years a piece. I somewhat agree with this assessment. Yet, at the same time, in the whirlwind of packing and moving that I’m in, I feel like February flew by!

💜Regarding Me💜

So, I mentioned moving! Because we will be moving this summer and I am very excited about that fact! I am less excited about the process of moving but it has to be done. We’re used to it and we have a pretty extensive system. But it takes time. The last month has been a lot of figuring out what we’re getting rid of, packing boxes and loading them into the storage pod; and otherwise prepping the house for staging and then selling.

We have 30 boxes of books. THIRTY! And they’re all stacked neatly in the storage pod. That’s not even all the books, since we left some out for staging (and to read obviously). I estimate it’s probably another 2-3 boxes of books alone.

Aside from books, I’ve packed lots of knick knacks, some extra dishware, board games and puzzles, and other stuff that can sit in storage for several months.

The timeline is a bit of a long one. We’re loading a storage pod full of about a third of our stuff so that way the house looks roomier (which will help it sell). This has the added bonus of less of our personal belongings out when people come to look at the house. We have to do this before they take pictures and it goes on the market, so that’s why there’s such a rush now.

We’re going to look at houses to buy next month. We’ve already met with a realtor (on both ends). There’s lots of moving parts. We won’t get our second pod until a few weeks before we actually move, which won’t be until July probably.

So when I’m complaining about moving for the next several months… this is why.

💻At the Keyboard💻

I have done tragically little writing this month. See the above moving shenanigans for the reason why. I’m diving back in to Heist, but I haven’t actually done much revising. I have outlined all of Draft 3 though! I have some new direction for a couple of the main characters and I’m excited to get it onto the page (when I get there.)

I’m also starting to work in Scrivener, which has some really neat features, and about a billion more that I’m learning. It’s a reasonable learning curve though. And it’s nice to have all my notes for the project all in one place. (Well, plus the notes I make on my phone since Scrivener for Android isn’t a thing yet.) But those get inputted into the Scrivener file relatively quickly.

So while it’s slow-going, I’m hoping to keep plugging away at it through March and actually start proper revisions next month.

In addition to Heist, I finished workshopping TBW with a couple of critique partners this past month. I have a lot of cool ideas for revisions, some major, some minor, some a bit in between. There’s a lot of questions about the book that I still have to answer for myself.

But I’m liking the direction it’s going. But it needs to rest for at least another month before I dive back in.

📚From the Bookshelf📚

I’ve been reading Light From Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki. I’m really enjoying the narrative entrenched with music, a setting I’m semi-familiar with, demonic bargains, multiple POVs, and so much more! I’m about halfway through the audiobook, which is fantastic. Super enjoying myself. I’ll do a proper review when I finish it.

And with that, I’ll sign off. Until next month!