#I have a Jewish friend who jokingly said like

[zukkacore]

The funny thing is that I do characterize pre shatterstar Jace as basically a fantasy atheist but I do think worship of Cassandra would fix him

[meayefet]

Here's another thing I feel like we need to talk about regarding the current war between Israel and Hamas. Minor as it may be, I've been losing my mind over this.

As a person who grew up in the early 2010s, I grew up mostly on the internet and fandom culture, and have written quite a lot of fanficition in my early teens.

Something I've realized this past week is that people are seeing Palestine as a fandom. And not only does it belittle the actual problem, it dehumanizes Palestinians and Israelis alike and allows the rewriting of facts and truths as if it were an AU fanfic.

After realizing that I jokingly told a friend that I wouldn't be surprised to see RPF about the events of October 7th. I had in mind something like slash fiction of Hamas members, but today I found out people are writing fanfiction about A HOSTAGE AND HER CAPTOR.

I also found out it didn't happen in a vaccum - apparently tiktok is exploding with this stuff, saying Maya Regev - the hostage in question - had "left her heart in Gaza", because she smiled and said "shukran, bye" to her captors.

In case you have forgotten - Maya Regev was SHOT IN THE LEG AND TAKEN HOSTAGE INTO GAZA along with her brother, who was released FOUR DAYS AFTER HER. She was released with a shattered leg and without her brother - but if she smiled, her captors must have treated her so well, amirite? (Even though there are already plenty of horror stories from Hamas captivity, and children came back pale and whispering with their heads full of lice.)

Even in the early 2010s there was a debate whether RPF is legit or not (and at 26 I can safely say it's a no from me), but in this case it's even worse. These are not public figures we are talking about. This isn't One Direction or The Beatles. The Hamas terrorists are, well, terrorists, and Maya Regev is a private person made public because she was TAKEN HOSTAGE INTO GAZA. Writing a FANFIC about actual people who were actually injured during October 7th is beyond sickening, and it's probably the most immoral thing you can do on social media for the Palestinian cause (and if you guys claim to be on the side of morality you might want to be consistent).

Another thing that's driving me crazy is the difference between Israelis and Non-Israelis who grew up on the same things at the same time. my friends and I learned a lot about justice, critical thinking, and the power of art and creativity on the internet. I met a lot of my online friends in socialist youth movements and rallies, and many of them later became my classmates in Bezalel - BECAUSE we applied what we had learned into our adult life.

Non Israelis who grew up on the same platforms as I did who took part in the same fandoms, read the same fanfiction works, learned the same truths of social justice and the power of art- are now viewing the conflict as a fandom. You're either a fan or you're wrong - there is no middle. No room for critical thinking, for "Palestinians have every right to self-determination and an independent state BUT Hamas who actively prevents them said rights has comitted crimes against humanity on 7.10 and must be held accountable", or for "the occupation must end BUT the Jewish people are indigenous to the region" - there is only room for "by all means" and "from the river to the sea". It doesn't matter if they don't know which river and what sea - because if the conflict is a fandom, then they can write an AU to deal with every truth that doesn't settle with their narrative, and rewrite reality to fit their next fanfic.

[jefferkyleson]

As a Jew who has recently been undergoing an identity crisis about my Judaism due to my father's passing and the conflict in Israel and Palestine, I just want to say, try to assume good in people.

First of all, genocide is horrible and what the Israeli government is doing is reprehensible. I will not indulge in a both sides argument. The numbers of civilians deaths speak for themselves.

Real quick, let me tell you a story. My father was Jewish. He grew up in a rural town in America. You can imagine how that went. Day after day he was belittled and beaten. He was mostly known as "Jew" and would often be called that followed by a swift punch to the gut.

As he got older, things didn't get much better. In High School, he and his friend were in the same class. He got a B, she got an A. They both knew each other well and knew he got better scores, so they went to the teacher for clarification. The teacher had a simple response. "You're the Jewish kid, right?" he said. My dad responded, "Yeah?" "That's all I need," he said. If he wasn't Jewish, he probably would've had straight A's.

Throughout his career, again, little changed. Dog whistles and insults and fear were thrown around wherever he went. And after he had me, that fear only grew. Of course it did. You would do anything to protect your child and you fear whatever the world may do to hurt them.

Now, only 8 years ago, he had to watch a man become president who was being openly supported by nazis. He had to watch people march in the street and chant "Jews will not replace us!" He had to watch as some of the last holocaust survivors started to die out and he had to watch as the neo-nazis grew louder and bolder.

To drive my point home, I've only ever seen this man cry once. It was when he watched Schindler's List with me in the room.

So when my father spoke about supporting Israel, I was confused. "How could he stand for genocide?" "How could he support colonialism?" "Is everything he taught me about the middle east a lie?"

But I knew my father well.

He did not support genocide. He has always stood for equality and peace. He did not support colonialism. At home, he has helped support native populations in every way his job allowed. He knew a lot about the middle east. He had a PhD and had bookshelves of history books.

I think deep down, Judaism can often be tied to fear. When you look at Jewish history, it's hard to notice anything but enslavement and genocide. When you live a Jewish life, it's hard to notice anything but fear and hate.

All he wanted was for Jews everywhere to be safe. All he wanted was for me to be safe. All he wanted was to be safe. So when he stood with Israel, he still did not support the genocide. But he grew up in fear and hoped that Israel could one day become a peaceful place where Jews could be safe.

Did I agree with him on everything? No. He would always jokingly call me a Commie. We did not agree on the situation on Israel. But I knew him. I understood where he was coming from. I understood what he meant and what he was truly fighting for. He wanted a world where everyone could be safe. He personally felt that Jews could be safe in Israel and lived a life that made him feel like we couldn't be safe anywhere else. He also felt that Israel's actions were wrong and that Israel needed to undergo a lot of changes so that the middle east could be safe for everyone. He did not support genocide, he did not support Israel's current actions, but he still supported Israel. And you know what, maybe with more time, he would've condemned Israel entirely, but when he passed, he still supported Israel, and the least I can do is understand where he was coming from.

This has gotten pretty long-winded, but what I'm trying to say is, look at who people truly are. When my dad grew up, "Zionist" was often code for "Jew" and "From the River to the Sea" may as well have been saying "Jews will not replace us." But when I see the people calling for an end to genocide, I believe that is what they are fighting for. When I see Jewish organizations, politicians, teachers, rabbis, and kids on splatoon saying "From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free," I truly believe they are against genocide and are advocating for freedom, equality, and peace. And when I see celebrities and Jewish organizations and my dad supporting Israel, I truly believe they are against genocide and are advocating for freedom, equality, and peace. And when I think of the millions of people in the middle east, I know the vast majority of them just want to live lives of freedom, equality, and peace.

Now don't get me wrong. Again, I'm not trying to make a both sides argument. I personally believe that what Israel is doing is wrong and the bloodshed needs to stop immediately.

I also know that there is going to be the occasional douchebag who hides behind rhetoric in order to be hateful. I also know this situation is extremely complicated with history and experiences going back for thousands of years. I also know people have things they need to learn and things they need to unlearn and that process might take more than a week.

But before we go firing and censuring and yelling at other people, all I ask is, look at who they really are, what they are really trying to say, where they are coming from, be patient and understanding with them, and try to assume they are coming from a place of good before you assume they are coming from a place of hate.

[doomspiral]

Maybe he shouldn't be your favorite war criminal

Back in 2011-2013 the hetalia fandom came to an understanding that distressing current events are off the table for fanworks, especially since its something himaruya himself avoids. The general caveat is that if someone wants to cope/vent about their own experiences through fanworks, then they're entitled to do so and shouldn't be harassed or told off for it unless its just egregiously evil.

There was a step back and a separation put up between the funny anime characters and the real life nation counterpart's real life crimes against humanity. Part of that is because its dark as fuck, but the other part i want to focus on right now is that we would get stuck in the weeds. Its easy to make jokes about the main 8 being your "favorite war criminal" as a tongue in cheek acknowledgement that the real nation isnt so innocent, but overuse makes this look as though you equate human suffering to a funny joke. This is not the intent for anyone i have ever seen using it, but intent does not equate impact.

It may seem less obvious to those who dont read history or simply live under a rock, but if we wanted to do this for characters generally accepted as sweet and in fact the victims of oppressive regimes, Tolys is right there. I will avoid addressing him as the country name on this out of respect, again, to the gravity of real life. If you look at Lithu history for more than ten minutes you'll see unspeakable abuses against human life. I know many jewish friends who love his character, i also had a jewish friend jokingly ask "on purpose?" when i said i had visited the real country.

Does that mean we should portray hetalia Tolys as an antisemite? Does that mean it should be generally accepted that these characters be ethnonationalistic, supremacist bastards on all accounts? This doesn't seem in line with the tone of a gag manga and is, again, not where the source material goes at all.

This is not a request for discussion or meant to be a jumping off point for anything. i would just like all of you to sit with these ideas and questions for a while and let yourself weigh how you feel about it. These were settled in old fandom. This is no longer old fandom, so we must do it again.

[briamichellewrites]

11

Bria had an idea for a music video. She hadn’t even started working on the song yet. Joe asked her what it was. They were hanging out with Mike, Rob and Topher in the living room. Rob brought Mowgli with him, so he could play with Micha. They watched as the kittens sniffed each other out. Mowgli was unsure, so Micha extended his paw to him as a sign of wanting to be friends. Topher was introduced to her friends. He had the same personality as his character, Eric Foreman. They were enjoying hanging out with him. What was her idea?

She could do a music video with Mike as her boyfriend. He thought that was a good idea. Their parents would love it! Topher asked them how they knew each other. They used to be neighbours, so they grew up together. He was four years older but they had playdates with his younger brother. His mother also used to babysit her.

They remained close friends over the years. It was a joke how their parents wanted them to get married. Mowgli pounced on Micha. Hey! I’m cleaning myself! He swung his paw at him. Haha. You missed me! Joe noted they acted like brothers. They laughed. Joe had two older sisters while Topher had a younger sister named, Jennifer. Bria was an only child. Rob had a younger brother who was the same age as Bria. Mike had her share her good news. He was anxiously awaiting Rob’s reaction to her being able to eat meat. He jokingly called her a traitor with a straight face. Like Joe, he had a dry sense of humour.

“You will have to tell Brad and see what he says.”

“I will. You guys are the first Jewish vegans I’ve ever met.”

“I’m Jewish but I’m a vegetarian”, Topher said.

“You’re not a traitor, then. Good for you.”

They laughed. Topher was a cool guy. He had the same dry sense of humour as Joe and Rob. They would definitely hang out with him again. He was a year younger than them since he was born in 1978 but three years older than Bria. Rob joked about not being the youngest anymore. When was he born? 1979. He was a classmate and friend of Mike’s younger brother, Jason. That was how they knew each other. He, Mike and Joe had a band with three other guys. They were trying to get signed to a record deal. What was the name of their band? Xero. X-e-r-o. Joe asked Bria for her opinion on the name. She liked it. At the same time, she would consider other names.

“You’re being too considerate of our feelings. Give us brutal honesty”, Mike said.

“I don’t see very many people going to see a band called, Xero. You guys need a name like the Rolling Stones or the Beatles that lasts forever. Your fans will introduce your music to their children. They will grow up listening to it. Linkin Park. That name literally just popped into my head.”

How would they spell that? L-i-n-k-i-n. Park. Topher agreed that sounded like a very cool name. He would be first in line to see a band called, Linkin Park. They would talk to Dave, Brad and Chester about it. Joe called her a genius. She joked about being fucking awesome! It was how she won her Grammys. Meow. Rob picked Mowgli up. He looked at the humans and said hello. How was being a cat dad? It was wonderful, especially when he woke him up at six in the morning. They laughed. Micha did that too. He sat outside her door begging for food.

She was trying to enjoy every minute because he would grow up to be an asshole. Joe jokingly asked her if he could have his roommate back. Mike laughed.

“I’ll fight you for him”, she joked back.

“Careful. Joe’s secretly a ninja”, Mike said with a smile.

“Fuck you. You said you were a vampire.”

“I’m a vampire ninja.”

“Bitch.”

The guys laughed. Meow. The cats both decided they were hungry, so they meowed for food. Everyone went into the kitchen. She got out a plate for Mowgli to use before dishing up food for him and Micha. Rob thanked her for doing that. Yeah. She didn’t want him to go hungry. Her phone went off in her pocket. It was her father wondering if Mike left his jacket at their house. Yes, he did. He thought he was missing something. Since he and Christina were on their way home, they were going to stop by and drop it off. Awesome. They were just hanging out.

When they got to the house, they were introduced to Rob, Joe and Topher. It was nice to meet them. Have they eaten dinner yet? No, they hadn’t. He offered to take them to Noe. It was an Asian restaurant he and Christina wanted to try. Yeah, they thanked them. Bria asked to have a few minutes to get her stuff. Yeah, they would wait for her. While she went upstairs to her room, they engaged the boys in conversation.

Rob and Joe were friends of Mike’s while Topher met Bria on the set of That 70’s Show. Who was his character? He was Eric Foreman. Jasper watched that show during his lunch breaks. He appreciated Red’s brutal honesty. He thanked him for watching the show. Christina asked about the extra kitten since she thought Bria only adopted one. Rob spoke up. The other one was his.

“Oh, yeah. She mentioned one of her friends adopted a cat. What is his name? It’s something Disney, right? Am I remembering that correctly?”

“Yes, his name is Mowgli from the Jungle Book.”

“That’s right. I get those Disney characters mixed up sometimes. There’s so many and they are always coming out with new ones. “

She came back down after brushing her hair and getting a jacket. Mike thought she looked gorgeous. The way the fluorescent light shined on her made her more beautiful than ever. She was the type who would look beautiful wearing a garbage bag. The other guys noticed it, too. She was the most beautiful woman in the room.

She had one of her expensive handbags with her. They talked about the car situation. Both cars had five seats. They decided to have three in one car and four in the other. Christina made sure she knew how to get there. Yes, she did. They would meet them there, then. Topher rode with Mike and Rob while Joe went with Jasper and Christina. Should they be worried about Joe riding with her parents? She thought her father would get a kick out of his sense of humour.

They would find things to talk about. After getting in, she put in a CD. Shania Twain. It was either that or the Spice Girls. Shania Twain was perfect. They were not going to complain about that. Jasper did have fun talking with Joe. He was a good kid. That was his first impression of him. They listened to U2 on the way to the restaurant. The sun was starting to go down. It was the perfect evening. Jasper and Christina were eager to meet Bria and Mike’s friends. When they got to Noe, they found a parking spot and got out. They were the first ones there, so they went inside to get a table.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon

[papihomo]

I fucking wish I never has to write this, I wish that I never had to even feel this way to begin with but I know for a fact that I will NEVER be the same.

My name's Lucifer, I also go by Emmanuel, and I go by any & all pronouns.

I am 16 years old, and at the risk of sounding over the top, honestly, I dont even care anymore at this point. Everything feels like a never ending nightmare since October.

I am a Rwby & Madoka fan. These shows were responsible for helping me find my voice, to break away from cycles of abuse and become the strong individual I am today.

The reason why I bring this up, is how I specifically as a Jew, who has friends in Israel, Lebanon & Palestine WHO JUST WANT TO FUCKING LIVE has been alienated, pushed aside and harassed in the very communities that I took refuge in.

This is a problem.

I remember the myriad of "friends" I had, who showered me with love and affection that all meant nothing in the end

I exactly remember back when I asked them what their thoughts on me cosplaying Cinder Fall would be around mid-October, and I had hoped that they would be who they were before.

But all I got, was animosity

They called me a "Satan Worshipper", "A Baby Killer", they accused me of being sensitive when I told them that what they were doing was antisemitism right after they threw the k slur at me.

Then, they blocked me, the fucking icing on the cake.

More and more friends, dropping like flies each and every day

All for a government that I have no control over.

They called themselves anti racists, and yet they called me slurs and spread blood libel about me.

How is this normal? HOW IS THIS FUCKING NORMAL!?

I had this fucking belief that without my so called friends I'd be nothing but at this point whats there to lose?

As one of my friends fled to a shelter and I lost sleep for him in fears that he might die, they, my so called "mutuals" cheered for his demise because he was Israeli, and then they cheered for mine.

I was later accused of double loyalty, of being a spy, a spy when I am just a mere student who cannot even drive yet let alone doesnt even have a credit card or bank account who wishes they didnt have to write some of their fucking experiences down on a website that used to bring them immense comfort!

This all brings me back, back to when the boys in my 8th grade class jokingly said I'd commit pearl harbor on a building downtown

When I was asked about Nanking for days

When they said the concentration camps were justified

And now that I, have gotten "worse" for converting to Judaism because now I am not just a "Evil Japanese Imperialist Sellout" but now I am also a "Cold hearted murderous child killing animal"

I am well aware that I sound already all over the place, but tell me

How does it feel after making little headcanons about characters being Jewish, posting about punching nazis, talking about J.K flopling's antisemitic blood libel game

Only to propagate these exact same things! You can criticize Israel's government without being a racist POS AND IT ISNT THAT HARD.

How does it feel after watching Kimetsu No Yaiba, listening to Vocaloid and playing Animal Crossing?

Only for you to go up to random Japanese people asking them, "What do you think about Nanking/Comfort Women?" Or "The bombs were necessary", claiming any song with Shinto or strong cultural undertones "Supporting Japanese Imperialism" and claiming that every aspect of Japanese culture is "stolen" despite that being untrue and that the reason why Japanese media is so popular is to "distract from war crimes"? You sound just like the people who stuck us in the camps after Pearl Harbor and suspected we "conspired with the government", you know that, right?

How will I ever feel going to a convention in 2024 and beyond? Will they shout at me, claiming me to be a threat? An animal? A danger to society?

How did it go from my friends going: "You look like Cinder Fall. You totally should cosplay as her" to legit spouting immature, hateful shit that would practically sound like "You disgusting putrid whore, how dare you even THINK about cosplaying such a character? She would NEVER be one of your impure, hideous, wretched, accursed kind. The fandom needs less of you, and yes my bestie is Jewish so I can call you every single slur and accuse you of blood libel too XO XO UwU Cinder can't be like you, because I said so, live laugh love bitch teehee"

Because now it feels like the place where I thought I belonged, stabbed me in the back

The people I thought I could trust turned on me as I mourned and spouted hatred my way.

I could go on and on on what else I had endured but that would leave this post longer than it was in the first place.

Think critically, love yourselves, just try and make the world less hateful instead of propagating it, and maybe you should learn that people aren't their governments.

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

To me the difference between 2016 and now is that she was a victim and we knew she was right. This time i dont have words to defend her, i see the hate starting to grow and i just don't know what to do cause i truly think she is wrong. I hope she break things off but i fear this will be on her record. Either way, 2016 was brutal and 2023 is just upsetting.

This is definitely part of it, and I know what I'm about to say isn't the universal experience here, but as I mentioned in the last ask I answered, my loved ones of colour (including non Swifties/1975 fans) have faced literal threats and harm done to them with those attacking them specifically mentioning Matty/Taylor in some way.

I mentioned the other day that my stepdaughter's school is now doing a specific class on allyship because so many children of colour have been targeted including my stepdaughter, who, after rejecting a romantic offer from a white kid, was told that he could just 'Matty Healy her anyway' and asking her why she's rejecting him when 'it's good enough for Taylor Swift'. And it's not just kids acting like this. A friend of mine had a white girl tell her that she was gonna 'go Taylor [on my friend] and send her boyfriend after her' after the two had an argument. Likewise, my mother spent the night with her Jewish friend after said friend's daughter was hospitalised for calling out someone who 'jokingly' did a nazi salute and said they were pulling a Matty Healy. And in a 'lesser' event my ex was called a Matty Healy for daring to be out in public shopping with my stepdaughter. Like I'm not denying Calvin was bad, but I didn't see any of this shit happening then. So yeah it's worse to me.

And before anyone gets onto me, I'll put an disclaimer here that obviously Taylor nor Matty made these people racist, but it has emboldened them to act out on it. And coming almost directly off a rise in terfs getting louder (including having a full on nazi protest/protection squad at terf events held by people known by a lot of the public), it's honestly horrific and terrifying to see.

It's also just upsetting like you said. Like both myself and my stepdaughter reached a point where we put all our Taylor stuff (cds, posters etc) in a box in the cupboard and are very heavily considering not going to Eras (would have been our first concert together) for now because she can't bare to be around anything to do with Taylor at this time. And like obviously that's like the least of the problem here, but it's still so upsetting alongside everything else to see.

Again, I know that these extremities aren't the universal experience right now (at least from what I've seen) and I'm so fucking glad about that, but they are mine and my loved ones, and it's going to take a hell of a long time to move past it, ngl.

[clumsyclifford]

2022 Writing Evaluation

hi i dug this up from the archives of this time last year because it was fun to do and i wanted to give other writers a chance to reflect if they’re so inclined! so here is my 2022 writing self-evaluation. point of order, i’m mostly filling this out specifically for my bellawritess ao3 and all the rpf stuff i write, not my other secret ao3 where i put fics written about fictional media. okay, onward. 

1. number of stories posted on ao3: 23!

2. word count posted for this year: 117,763

3. fandoms i wrote for: 5sos, atl, and 1d (but also teen wolf, mcu spiderman, hawkeye, and daredevil)

4. pairings: cake, lashton, malum, jalex, narry, halex (you know that very popular harry styles/alex gaskarth ship), and mirry.

5. story with the most kudos/bookmarks/comments: the answer to all three of these criteria is a change of heart and a silver lining, my winter 2021-22 fic exchange fic, which makes me very happy. i cannot believe that fic was from last year, january feels like forever ago but i love love love that specific work so much, in large part because of how much i was able to tailor it to meg as reciprocation for all the times and ways she tailored things to me.

6. work i’m most proud of (and why): i’m gonna say a three-way tie between (1) i got a radar for trouble (and you’re a renegade), (2) between all the gasping i finally breathe, and (3) play it again and again and again. #1 is the cruel summer prequel fic that i always half-jokingly said i would one day write and then surprised myself by actually writing, and i am incredibly proud of how well i managed to recreate the vibes of cruel summer fic but also write a prequel that made sense with the direction the actual cruel summer story took. #2 was one of the first legit fics i wrote to break myself out of this big 5sos fic slump i had been in (consequence of a perfect storm of a lot of small things), and i may have gotten lost in the metaphor sauce but i maintain that the metaphors are really fucking good which was gratifying to me as a writer who had felt like maybe i’d lost my real writing skill before then. #3 is the christmas fic i wrote for hazel, and what i’m most proud of there is that i fuckin actually wrote that. my love for my friends carried me through the warfields of attempting to romanticize christmas, and in so doing i think i actually learned something about christmas, ugh i feel like i’m getting less jewish every second i spend talking about this but i really am proud of myself for writing that and even moreso because i think i tailored it pretty well to hazel’s taste and that made me happy. it was like an extra challenge i set myself and then i did it well.

7. work i’m least proud of (and why): pretty much all the prompt fics from this year’s batch, tbh. this malum roommates one is really funny if you imagine you’re a fly on the wall of mine and megs’s dorm room but it’s the most nothing fic on the planet otherwise, and you’re my whole house is cute but again, literally nothing. unfortunately these were written while i was binge watching seinfeld which probably contributed to how much they were About Nothing but that’s no excuse.

8. share or describe a favorite review you received: i’m super terrible at remembering comments and stuff that people leave me but a few days ago i got a comment on yssdf saying it was one of the best love stories they’d ever read and that just about knocked my socks off

9. a time when writing was really, really hard: from aboutttt february to september, which is pretty obvious when you notice that i didn’t post a fic (on this account) between march 18th and september 27th of this year. i hit that aforementioned slump in a big way and i was also busy with life stuff and i was also just. unmotivated and uninspired! but in that time i wasn’t really doing a lot of writing to struggle with. something that was actively hard to write was definitely parts of the jet lag songfic i wrote for the fest. megs and hazel both experienced various aspects of my intense battle with Plot and Characters. it was not pretty.

10. a scene or character you wrote that surprised you: luke in the muke college beach fic!!! he was so much more gutsy than (a) he’s usually written and (b) i expected him to be. and tbh, michael in that fic also kind of surprised me, although less so because he was based on a real guy i know, so it was more like trying to delve into the fictionalized mind of a real human being i go to school with and understand what it is that makes him only APPEAR to be an asshole and in reality maybe actually have a heart of gold. if that makes sense. character work but the character is based on a real person who is based on a real person. meta af.

11. a favorite excerpt of your writing: ill be the first to admit im a sucker for when there’s a song playing in the in-universe fic scene and then the lyrics tie into the moment. i have that in two fics that i can think of, so here they both are:

(1) from everywhere, everything:

Luke is trembling when he looks up at Ashton, but he only nods. Tilts their foreheads together.

Say it’s me that you’ll adore— Sinatra sings, and then there’s a scratch and a crack, and the whole record player crashes through the glass tabletop.

(the end of that lyric is “for now and evermore” !!!! HOW FUCKED IS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

(2) from faith in a stolen car (the jean jacket songfic i just wrote for the fest):

Calum’s rumbling laugh shook both of them as Springsteen vowed I’ll love you with all the madness in my soul, and Ashton sang along in a silly voice so Calum knew he meant it with everything he had.

[and]

He turned up the music, and ‘No Surrender’ blared out of the surround sound. The lines that had been stampeding around Ashton’s brain since Calum had first swept him up in tonight’s teenage delinquency now screamed against the wind in his ears.

Ashton smiled wider than his face could handle and screamed right back.

“WE MADE A PROMISE WE SWORE WE’D ALWAYS REMEMBER,” Calum’s voice joined his, and together they beat back the deafening gales; “NO RETREAT, BABY, NO SURRENDER!”

12. how did you grow as a writer this year? this year i learned the importance of conflict. “hey bella, didn’t you learn that in seventh grade english?” YES but then i IGNORED it and now i have relearned it in a fanfiction context and in the broader sense that i now understand every story has a conflict and more than that, a story needs a conflict, because that’s what drives it. after i finished writing those prompt fics, i thought, damn, these are fun but nothing is fucking happening in any of them. i wonder why that is! and then i realized. there was no conflict. i was writing “scenes” but nothing interesting within those scenes, so there was nothing pulling the characters from point A (the start of the scene) to point B (its conclusion) and as a result they all became meandering blocks of text with no goal or direction. anyway. point being that i have embraced conflict as a necessary factor in storytelling and i hope this will mean no more seinfeldian fics, prompt or otherwise.

13. how do you hope to grow next year? yes <3 jk but i sincerely have no idea, i don’t have any current ideas on how i plan to grow next year i just very much intend to grow. how it happens is anyone’s guess

14. who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc)? gotta be a tie between megs @igarbagecannoteven and hazel @allsassnoclass. obviously megs is my #1 rubber duck roomie, whether she likes it or not, and she has helped me solve more problems than i am comfortable admitting. actually i’m very comfortable admitting it megs has untangled a myriad of fic knots on many occasions this year she is the best rubber duck in the world. and hazel has become my virtual rubber duck which is great because it means i have all my bases covered! truly these two are a dynamic duo because they will both just let me sit there and complain and yet always have the right thing to say.

15. anything from your real life show up in your writing this year? as always, a great many things. make the same mistakes ‘til the morning breaks and the muke college beach fic are both inspired by things that happened with this one guy i know from school (yes, the same guy, and yes, he is represented by michael both times, and no, i do not know why it happened like that). the latter came from just a single snap i saw on his snap story, and none of the fic is actually based on real events, but the former is HEAVILY based on real events between this guy and one of my good friends at school. lmao! 

i’ve been wishing i could breathe underwater is based on my experience scuba diving, which is to say, pure unmitigated terror, 1/10, do not recommend except to say that you did it. tequila shots from the dark scene of the crime is chock-full of baseball talk, specifically about Worst Team In Baseball the Washington Nationals (affectionate), so those feelings are straight from my heart. the concept of tell me what to see has not happened to me but it was very much inspired by my experience of getting in the habit of working out and realizing your muscles are literally increasing in size. the christmas fic has all my jewish disdain for christmas. that’s the shortlist, i think!

16. any new wisdom you can share with other writers? honestly, nope! i think other writers are thriving on their own fic journeys, as i am on mine. you guys seem to have a handle on things. i can reiterate my vehement loathing of comma splices or otherwise incorrectly-placed commas, but other than that i don’t have much to offer in the way of wisdom.

17. any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year? yes!! i am really excited to (hopefully) finish this fic ive been intermittently writing that is based on back together by tss. well, actually it’s based on the specific energy that was created in the world when back together and 2011 were released on the same night. it’s a tss!5sos au. it’s going to be really good okay. it’s tasty. and as always i hope to finish summer camp au i am dead fucking set on finishing that fic there is no question in my mind that it will be completed someday sooner rather than later i hope but definitely eventually. aside from those, i can’t think of any other fic plans i have! just gonna see where the winds of fic fate take me.

18. tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read: @igarbagecannoteven @allsassnoclass @kaleidoscopeminds @burstingsunrise @cringeycal (?) <3

[worst-family-heirloom]

Foreign flavors

When I was in high school, I wrote a poem about my cultural heritage for a class I was in.

They saved me a plate of kasha and eggs.

This was the year I learned Americans call kasha "buckwheat".

I don't eat eggs anymore, not regularly, anyway.

To what extent is my family's food more foreign than any other settler cuisine in this country?

It's not foreign to me. It's what I grew up with. Poppy seed cake for Christmas. Hazelnut chocolate cake with plum jam. Torcik. Pierogi. Mushroom soup for Christmas, again. Most of it, really, for Christmas, and sometimes Easter.

I don't like Christmas, but I do like mushroom pierogi.

It is strange to realize I am never going to eat my grandmother's pierogi ever again. She's not dead, yet, but the relationship that once was between us is, and she's old and lives far away now. Good. I don't miss her.

There was one Polish restaurant in Norwich, and then it closed. Yummy Yummy. At least this last year I was there, I found a Polish catering company and fried up some cheese pierogi with oregano. It was great. (Those were the only vegetarian kind they had.)

The Christmas I was homeless-- that doesn't narrow it done enough. The one I was living in temporary accommodation in The Village-- I ordered 40 spring rolls from a Chinese place, since I couldn't get any Polish food Christmas proper.

Taking part in a Jewish-American tradition older than the state of Israel, a tradition I never took part in except the year I did with Arin's family, the year before we broke up, though neither of us knew it would be. Though I suppose that's to be expected. We were too young to be in the kind of soul-crushing downward spiral reserved for decades long relationships.

It was the best Christmas of my high school years, I think. Eating Chinese food with my then partner's mother and sister, talking about what to get Arin for Hanukkah. How I was the person who knew best what to get them. (How Arin had stayed home sick.)

(How I came home-- home, their place felt like home, even though I hadn't moved in yet and we had yet to discuss it as COVID grew into even more of an imminent threat in a few months' time-- and we looked for Hanukkah Spirk to read in bed together.)

(How I still haven't watched the reunification video. How I wonder if they've watched it without me. How I wonder...)

(How I would never have done what they did to me to them, but they did it to me.)

Anyway. I've only eaten Chinese food on Christmas twice in my life, the first because I was invited out by my Jewish then-partner's family, the second because the Polish place was closed on Christmas and I hadn't sorted out Polish food in advance.

I mostly jokingly said to Tom that Christmas that I was connecting with my Jewish heritage by listening to Falsettos. They, in what I can only assume was complete earnestness, said "That's nice."

I said I was mostly being silly, and that wasn't much of anything, and they said it could still be nice.

They would have never done it to me, but I did it to them.

Some of the things they did to me, I never would have done to them either.

Sometimes, no contact is because I don't like who I am around a person.

How I act.

They never did take me to Wales. Or the pepper (or was it chilli? Spice?) festival. Or their village fete.

It's OK. I let people not choose me. Look at me, maintaining (badly!) some basic boundaries.

I'm neurotic/he's neurotic/they're neurotic/we're neurotic!

Maybe I can pay my friend Baisil to make me pierogi for Christmas. Let's see if I remember to ask them in time. Maybe I can pay them extra to crimp the dough. I know they take a lot of time.

I wanted to do it right as a kid. I just take longer with what I now know to call "fine motor" things, things I just called "fiddly" as a child. So my grandma gave up teaching me-- like some twisted inverse of weaponized incompetence. Wanting so badly to paint the fence white and not being able to.

I wonder if my hands shake and twitch and jerk too much now for me to do it. Probably not, but it would be harder.

Who's fault is that?

In another life maybe I had a normal relationship with food, or a healthier one anyway, but then you wouldn't be getting this weird and tremendous amount of cannibalism and vore from me, so. You're welcome.

I'd make a "God gave me anorexia" joke here, but I can't even jokingly say it wasn't my mother, and grandmother.

When is a poem finished? And do I get to qualify my own freeform rambling thoughts as a poem?

The funniest part is that despite my own rules, rules I cannot make too strictly rules without shooting myself in the foot, in the long run, I wrote this instead of eating.

[husky-and-starch]

Huggy Bears OTP is Starsky/Hutch; an essay

(Instead of doing my homework I’m writing you all a short Essay on my favorite topic: Starsky and Hutch. Please enjoy.)

In this essay I hope to prove to you all that Huggy Bear is Starsky and Hutch’s number one shipper. Now I’m making no claim to him being their first shipper. That still belongs to some queer watching Starsky and Hutch in 1975, no he started shipping them in season 3, specifically Episode 15; A Body Worth Guarding.

In this episode Starsky and Hutch must guard a Russian ballerina. Now, I’ll spare you the details, but Hutch ended up guarding the ballerina over night and Starsky was alone. He needed to find who was threatening her life. He went to Huggy Bear in the morning—pay attention to this part—and Huggy noticed something was off about his dear friend; he was rigid, blunt, and Huggy could see in his eyes the capability of great tragedy. Then it occurred to him; “a Starsky without a Hutch is like a pig without pork” it’s unnatural and as far as he knew impossible.

Huggy clearly doesn’t like this “new” Starsky. The laters discomfort in the morning (perhaps relating to the fact he knows his beloved partner is suffering with the Russian ballerina he, as far as Starsky knows, still hates) is disconcerting to Huggy and he even seems to start refusing to see one without the other in later episodes. Specifically the next episode; The Trap.

In this episode a trap is set to catch Detective Sargent Hutchinson by a man he’d put away—now out on probation—and Huggy was part of their set up. His restaurant was broken into and he was attacked so he called his two favorite detectives; Starsky and Hutch. What he said is the intriguing part though, when Starsky picked up the phone Huggy asks for him to come with his “better half”.

Now, better half is a phrase typically reserved for partners. Like, romantic ones. Spouses, the person you’re dating, rarely is it used for friends in an unironic way. That does ask another question; is it a joke? Is Huggy jokingly asking for Starsky’s better half? Well I don’t believe so. In the previous episode Huggy makes it clear to Starsky he prefers to see them together. He wants Starsky and Hutch not Starsky or Hutch. An impotent deviator.

I’ve heard arguments that Huggy and Starsky’s conversation in A Body Worth Guarding relate to antisemitism (the prejudice against Jewish people) it is never explicitly stated Starsky’s Jewish. I honestly don’t mind any headcannons—hell this is a whole essay for mine—and I can admit the argument for it is strong. It doesn’t make sense, if Starsky’s Jewish, that the “a Starsky without a Hutch is like a pig without pork” is an antisemitic comment from Huggy. I might be wrong but I’m pretty sure pork is one of the foods Jewish people can’t eat and the whole episode has a lot of Jewish themes. Or we’ll one really obvious Jewish and antisemitic plot point; the “free the Russian Jews” protest outside of the ballet and the whole plot of the episode being an attempt for the supremacists to frame the Jewish for a crime and get them shut down.

That being said; now that I’ve acknowledged the strong points from that argument I’m going to pull one little thread to make way for my less realistic theory; Starsky religion (or perhaps lack there of) is never explained in the show (as far as I’ve seen at least). He’s said he’s not Catholic but there lots and lots and LOTS of other religions. Sure that does also allow the possibility that he’s Jewish but it also doesn’t confirm it. And who really wants to think Huggys antisemitic anyway?

Huggy is a beloved character and it’s a lot more fun to watch his actions throughout seasons 3 and 4 as a Starsky/Hutch shipper than anything else. Hell even 1&2 can be read like this if you want, I don’t judge. Wether or not you believe me, those folks who say it’s a antisemitic conversation or don’t think it’s much more than Starsky having a bad day and Huggy being out off by it that’s up to you. But this concludes my essay on why Huggy Bear is the number ones Starsky and Hutch sniper. I hope this inspired you to watch Starsky and Hutch again with a different lense.

[phenomenal1500]

Heaven On Hold | Peaky Blinders

Chapter 39: Possible Betrayal

For Chapter 38: Whatever Side She's On check here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Yeah, let them pass." Tommy ordered and off he went. "All right, you tell Darby Sabini from me that if the Italians win, they are not planning on leaving. And after me it will be him and then you." Tommy leaned intimidatingly onto his desk. "Then the Titanic. And the fucking mafia, Alfie. They've come here, can't believe our coppers are unarmed. They're going to steal their liquor and it's against the law. They've come here and they like what they see. They're coming and they're here to stay."

~~~

"Mr. Shelby, I've come to talk purse for the fight." Step-by-step approached the grey haired man us, his strong son following.

"Your kestrel, huh?" Alfie pointed at the other Gypsy with his wooden cane. "Tommy, when a pikey walks in with hair like that, you've got to ask yourself, have I made a mistake?"

"Who the fuck are you?" Aberama instantly replied, offended by the Jewish gangster next to me.

"Who the fuck am I?" The question was backfired to the Gold family.

"Who the fuck is this?" This time the question was targeted at me because my lover didn't answer and the bickering made me chuckle.

"I, my friend, I am the uncle, the protector and the promoter of that fucking thing right there, in whose shadow nothing good nor godly will ever fucking grow." Alfie held his cane higher up so he could shove the two heathens out of his way to show the giant behind them.

"Here we go again." I whispered under my breath and Tommy scoffed jokingly at my comment while I sat onto his desk.

"That there, right, is the Southern Counties Welterweight Champion. He is on mixed religion therefore he is godless. He was adopted by Satan himself before he was returned out of fear of his awkwardness." I tried so hard to suppress a laughter and not to embarrass Alfie, but his exaggeration skills were amazing. My guy really loved promoting someone. "But he's impossible to marry off due to his lethal dimensions. His mother, terrified, just fucking abandoned him. And there he is, stood before you, like the first of some brand new fucking species!" His voice had become a bit louder and silence surrounded us for a short moment. "Any man that you put before him, right, would be like entering a fucking threshing machine, mate? Now, will you offer your son?" He finished.

"Name the day, Mr. Shelby." Bonnie appeared to be hyped up by the story the gangster had told them and Tommy stared at me in disbelief. I quickly replied with a shrug and then he nodded.

"Rio? Take Mr. Solomons with you and go back to the house in Small Heath.... I need to discuss something with you later." Tommy ignored the young man for a second and I nodded, taking Alfie with me so the both of us disappeared out of the building so that the small group could do their thing.

We were soon back at where Alfie's car was located and where the house would be and unobtrusively we walked next to each other hand in hand. With my right hand I turned the key around in the keyhole and pushed open the dusty black door to get inside for real this time. "Want something to drink?"

"I'm good... rather want to be a little physical with you, if you don't mind." He said, his voice lower than normal. Almost like stones grinding against each other. I closed my eyes, grinning and nodding, as his index finger trailed alongside my jaw then stopped at my chin to lift it up and I carefully opened my eyes again to look him in the eyes. "You know how long it takes for Tommy to reach the house?"

"Not exactly, but we can take the guess and just lock the door for our safety and his as well..." I rested my flat hand palms on his torso, tapping his muscles lightly.

~~~

A loud knock on the front door was echoing through the thin walls of the house and I jumped up from the sofa to open it, letting my cousin into the hallway. "We need to talk about something very crucial." Tommy instantly began bringing up the important issues and I didn't even have the change to offer him any drink or food. Instead we both immediately sat down around the dining table, my hands folded together and me listening to him very closely.

"Go ahead." My words were strengthened by the signs I made with my hands and Tommy nodded.

"About Mr. Changretta. You told me what is happening between the two of you-..."

"Hold up! 'You told me what is happening between the two of you...' what's that supposed to mean?" Alfie interrupted, shouting from the living room and I bursted out in laughter.

"A little jealous?" I teasingly yelled back.

"I'm not jealous. Fine... perhaps a bit...." Alfie lowered his voice with each word, approaching us from the other side of the house and I pushed a chair back with my foot so he could sit with us.

"It's nothing, Mr. Solomons... Rioney works together with Changretta in order to gain information for us. However, I still haven't received much from her." His judgmental blue eyes glared me up and down and he raised one eyebrow at me, trying to accuse me of the fact I perhaps wasn't on his side. I never felt this kind of pain. I was being accused by my own fucking cousin. Why? Because I'm with fucking Alfie who betrayed him a few times.... first of all, I'm my own person and would never take over someone's traits and second of all, I would never betray my family.... no matter if they are good or bad. "Same with Alfie, I need to know which side you are on."

"In all honesty, Tommy, I feel hurt. I've always been on your side, I even turned my back to Alfie because I was more loyal to my family... to you... and you dare to come in here and accuse me of possible betrayal?" I stated calmly, locking all my emotions away not to bring the present me into the conversation who would be angry, but the former me who would stay controlled. That didn't mean I wasn't mad. I was like burning fire. Tommy stood up carefully, somewhere regret visible in his eyes, but I didn't care at all. "When you're going to visit Michael and are done with whatever your business is there... Luca will follow you when you leave and he will come for your head, so be prepared." I hissed through my teeth, showing him the door afterwards. "Have a good day, Tommy." I spoke one last time before I slammed the door shut in front of his face.

[andimack-crack]

A christ-mack story: Andi Mack

read part one here

Part 2: Memories and Menorahs

[Word count: 1631]

T.J's POV

I was stressing out ripping through my cupboard I had never been to a Hanukkah celebration before I've only ever been to Cyrus's Bar and his Grandmother's Shiva. Those were easy enough go dress for but I wasn't sure what outfit said 'I'm here for Hanukkah but I'm also here to help your gay son come out to you' luckily I called for some back up.

"I'm here the dating expert is here" Jonah said bursting into my room

"Pipe down Jonah we all know how your relationships ended" Marty said trailing behind.

"Well if I have such bad relationships how come I easily get back into them?" He said smirking

"Guys big picture I need help"

"Okay, okay let me dig into your closet  Marty get the make up kit" Jonah said going inside my mess

"Th-the what?" I said nervously

"Hey Jo do we need the razor for his hair?" Marty said from the hallway

"Um yeah" Jonah said his voice suddenly a little high pitch.

"What no not the hair!" I said frantically they both started laughing coming to stand next to me.

"You big idiot we're joking" Marty said patting my back

"Dude you're over thinking this Cyrus likes you because you're you and it seems cliche but if you be yourself in front of his parents you'll do fine" Jonah said smiling encouragingly

"Thank you Jonah"

"Yeah man your a great person we all know that now the Goodmans have met you before anyways you just need to have confidence Cyrus is probably just as nervous" Marty reassured

"But I can still pick a decent outfit because you know don't wanna look you don't care" Jonah said digging into my closest

******

Bex's POV

I had been avoiding talking about Gabriel changing the subject whenever Bowie tried bringing him up I'm thankful he never spoke about it in front of Andi even though she knew more than he did. I just wasn't ready to re-live those memories again. But Bowie wasn't having any of it he kept pressing on and on now I couldn't avoid it since Andi had gone out with Buffy.

"Bex please just tell me who he is" he pressed

"W-who" I pretended play dumb

"Gabriel"

Whenever I was with Gabriel, my self-esteem always took a hit. He would jokingly criticise what I wore or the way I did my hair and makeup, saying things like, ‘Were you still asleep when you got dressed this morning?’ and ‘Your eye shadow and lipstick colours make you look super-old – maybe you need some makeup lessons’. Looking back now, I can say that his comments were hurtful and unnecessary, but at the time I just passed them off as him trying to be funny. Whenever he made such belittling jokes, I would force a smile but on the inside I’d be crying.

"He's nobody don't worry" I said to Bowie smiling but also freaking out on the inside. How did he even find my number? What could he possibly want to tell me?

"You're sure he's nobody? you seem on edge by the mention of his name" he said putting a hand on my arm

"I'm sure h-he supplied me with new chairs for cloud ten last week"

"Oh well alright then I'm gonna make some lunch hungry?"

"Always" I threw a small smile which felt more like a grimace but I saw his phone number still on there I quickly wrote it down and deleted the message.

Occasionally, however, Gabriel would compliment me or say something supportive – in those moments, I would reassure myself that our relationship was okay and that I ought to stay with him. At the time, I couldn’t see that that was just his way of controlling me and to keep me hooked so that I wouldn’t leave him.

I shuddered thinking of all those memories. I had a lot other important things to think about. Something really big in particular I didn't have a lot of time to worry about Gabriel.

But I should at least hear what he has to say.

Cyrus's POV

"I-I'm gay but this doesn't change a thing I'm still me"

I had given the same speech to myself in front of the mirror for the past half hour I still didn't feel as if I could go out there and do it. I hardly believed in the words I was saying. A tear slid down my cheek I wiped it away I had to compose myself. I read somewhere that it's difficult coming out to the ones you love because you've known them forever you don't want things to change. That's probably why it hurt so much. I washed and dried my face straightening the kippah on my head taking a deep breath. I jumped when there was a knock on the bathroom door.

"Cyrus your friend T.J's here" I heard my mom say from the outside

"Okay" I opened the door and went downstairs T.J was talking to my aunt Ruthie

Oh no.

"So T.J are you Jewish?" She had a scary look in her eye

"No I'm just here for Cyrus" he smiled coolly

"Oh are there any girls in school that are interested in him or do you know of any he could go out with?" T.J looked a little confused so I went in to save him

"Hey aunt Ruthie chag sameach" (happy holiday)

"Oh Hanukkah sameach dear" (happy hanukkah)

She left me and T.J alone and no one could see us from the halls so I went in for a quick hug and he smiled kissing my forehead

"Sorry about her she's very well..." I trailed off looking for the right words

"I get it my relatives are like that too" he took my hand making light circles on the back.

"Are you okay?" He asked concerned

"Y-yeah I'm just really nervous since most of my family is here" he squeezed my hand

"You'll be alright I promise" I smiled at him gratefully. We entered the living room my mom putting up a picture of Bubbe Rose I realised it's my first Hanukkah without her.

We all stood around the Menorah as all eight candles were lit as it was the final day my family's rabbi recited a prayer that everybody followed along with T.J attempted but without much success since it was in hebrew but it was sweet he tried. I subtly wrapped a pinky around his we did the same linking them together without drawing too much attention.

"Cyrus" Rabbi Hurwitz suddenly spoke making my pinky move away from T.J's "I'm going to lead a prayer for your Bubbe Rose would you like to join?"

I wanted to but I wasn't sure I'd be able to get through it I've been missing her so much recently.

"N-no thank you sorry" he nodded understanding I wasn't ready he said the prayer I hung my head low fighting the tears in my eyes. Once it was over I was about to go help my mom in the kitchen but T.J quickly put a hand on my shoulder.

"Are you okay underdog?" He said softly I just shrugged

"I will be as soon as this is over with" I said reassuring him.

I brought the food to the table and set it down pointing out to T.J what food is good and what isn't good this year I made sure gefilte fish wasn't on the menu nobody likes it any ways.

"Cyrus um... I was just speaking with Rabbi Hurwitz and I just wanted to let you know that it's okay" my dad reassured

"I don't understand" I said confused

"It's just he said he saw you... hold hands with T.J over here" oh shit.

"What" my mom interrupted coming over "Cyrus honey are you gay?"

"Well I-i" I stuttered

"Gay what is that?" My aunt Ruthie  intruded. That's the last thing I needed

"I can shed some light on this" T.J began with my other family members beginning to listen "Yeah um me and Cyrus we... we are dating"

"Yes T.J is my boyfriend" I said smiling proudly taking his hand "we're both gay... I'm gay" I breathed out

"You... You're both boys" my aunt Ruthie objected

"Yeah good catch but gay means you're a boy that's only romantically attracted to boys that's way I haven't had any girlfriends since Iris I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was scared" T.J squeezed my hand tightly.

"Plus after Bubbe...p-passed away I felt so guilty for not telling her when I knew I could of" my breath got caught in my throat.

"Honey don't worry she knew" my eyes went wide at what my mom said

"How?"

"When me and Norman last spoke to her she told us to never disrespect you just because you're different from us she said we should treat you the same as we always have I didn't understand at the time but now I do"

I was in shock I have no idea how she could of known but at least she did know.

"T.J we are glad it's you Cyrus has found" my dad said putting a hand on T.J's shoulder he smiled thankfully.

"Well I guess I'm happy for you Cyrus he seems like a very nice boy and if Rose was okay with it then so am I" Aunt Ruthie squeezed my face

"Well then all that's left to do is... eat I mean now I feel the need to celebrate" I smiled my family sat down at the table me and T.J had been holding hands the whole time.

And I wasn't planning on ever letting go.

[anogete]

In Between

Hi, folks.  I’m sorry I have nothing to offer as far as fic goes.  Things have been... ::sigh::  You know, I don’t know what things have been.  Not good, not bad.  Just... things.  I wanted to talk--get things out of my head--this morning, but I realized I don’t have a person/outlet who can accept these things right now.  So, I will put them here for anyone who cares to read them.

1) My car blew up.  Well, the engine did.  I was on my way back home with groceries last Saturday, and I lost all ability to accelerate and brake.  So, I puttered out on the side of the road and waited to be saved.  The issue may be covered under the warranty so I had it taken to the dealership.  They’ve had it for a week and still don’t have answers for me besides an offer to lend me a car for free until they can figure out what to do with my car.

2) This deserves it’s own point, though I almost included it on the first point.  I’ve never bought a car without my grandmother.  She was under five feet tall and had a tendency to wear sweat pants and Christmas sweaters year-round.  She smoked Winston Lights and carried a purse covered in rhinestones.  The car salesmen didn’t know what hit them because she wasn’t at all the sweet old lady who would roll over and accept their first offer.  She was hard to read and she wouldn’t give an inch.  She also wouldn’t tell them what she was willing to pay.  No counter offers from her; she’d just tell you to “do better.”  Anyway, she worked her magic when I bought all three of my cars.  When I realized the problem with the engine was serious and might require me getting a new car, I went into a mental tailspin.  Yeah, yeah, I was worried about fitting it into my budget and all that, but mostly I couldn’t seem to cope with buying a car on my own without my grandma there to hold my hand.  I’m almost 39 years old and the thought of doing this without her had me sobbing in the floor.  Except, I didn’t realize my tailspin was due to my grandmother at first.  At first, I just thought I was incapable of handling stress.  Maybe that’s still accurate.

3) While we’re talking about expensive-ass shit, I knew the air conditioner and furnace on this house needed to be replaced sooner rather than later when I bought it last February.  It looks like the time has come.  I managed to find a nice man with very odd hair (think a longer version of the Prince Valiant hair-do, but bright white) through my boyfriend’s dad.  He does this for a living and said he’d give me a discount and do for $5,000 what other places were telling me would cost $9,000.  So, that’s happening next week.  I have the money, but the idea of writing a $5,000 check makes me want to puke.  Ugh.

4) The days are running together.  I’m working from home.  I can’t complain, though.  I’ve got it better than most.  I’m alone all day.  I have a library with a desk.  I can go downstairs and make tea or lunch in my own kitchen.  I’m getting paid my full salary with bonuses.  I can pretty much make my own hours.  The company I work for is taking the pandemic seriously and has told us that we can all work from home until we feel comfortable returning to the office.  Their timeline for “normal” is months.  I don’t think I’ll be back in the office until late summer, if that.  Those who want to return are permitted to, but they can’t use the public areas (kitchen, conference rooms) and have to abide by some strict safety requirements.  And they can choose when and how often they go into the office, working the remainder of the time at home.  So, better than most.

5) I’ve been doing this social distancing thing since March 19th.  It’s not difficult for me.  On good days I’ll exercise (I have a Peloton) before logging into work around 9am.  On not-good days (which seem to be more often than not), I’ll skip the exercise and just log into work early.  Work keeps me busy and I spend a decent amount of my day on the phone with clients.  I go to the grocery store once a week, but I order for pickup.  Someone else does the shopping for me and loads it into my trunk.  This is nothing new.  I’ve been shopping that way for years.  Now it’s just harder to get my usual pickup slot because everyone else has joined the party.  I do miss taking a break from work and leaving my office to grab a coffee and sit outside on a bench downtown.  I guess I could do that outside my own house, but it just doesn’t feel the same.

6) A few months ago, a husband and wife who are clients came in to meet with me at my office.  They’re in their 80s and both were having trouble walking.  They parked in the garage next door and couldn’t find the elevator to exit.  I walked over and escorted them to our office building.  They were both struggling with walking and the wife (Rose) had been fighting lung cancer for a couple years, so I suggested they wait outside and I’d valet their car once we were done.  The thought of making the trek to their car alone was painful to me because it was a monumental struggle for them to walk down a hallway.  Their daughter-in-law called me two days ago.  Rose passed away two weeks ago.  The husband, a former literature professor for a university, was in the hospital with four broken ribs because he’d fallen shortly after Rose’s passing.  He was a Jewish child in Nazi Germany during the war.  He’d told me stories about hiding from the Nazis, surviving off of tree bark and whatever he could find in the forests.  He also jokingly told me that he’d live until he was 120.  Now, it looks like he won’t survive the year.  He and Rose would tease each other all the time, but you could see all that love between them. Whenever I’d call him, he’d ask me in that wonderful accent to wait while he got “the boss” on the phone as well.  Rose thought it was silly that she was “the boss,” but she humored him.  You know, they’re shorties, too.  Five foot, nothing.  Just like my grandma.  Hearing that Rose was gone and Dr. (he’s a PhD) was likely soon to follow just broke my already fragile heart.

7) Fragile heart, huh?  Yeah.  After the car situation and the realization that one day I’m going to have to do big life things without having my grandma to help me, I was feeling pretty raw.  But I’ve been trying to be responsible and do things I’ve been putting off lately.  So, I gathered up all those medical bills from Ferguson’s illness last September.  (Ferguson was my soulmate little chihuahua mix that I had for over 13 years.)  I had pet insurance on him and hadn’t bothered to make the claim because I couldn’t handle it.  But it’s been almost a year so I pulled out the invoices, which were over $2,000, and logged into the website and starting inputting the info to file the claims.  The little box asks for a description of why I took him to the vet.  And answering that question just brought back all that shit like a wave.  I remember reading this nice description of grief and how it is like waves.  At first they’re big and they knock you around and you can’t breathe.  But over time they get smaller and you learn how to navigate them.  Still there, but manageable.  Filling in that box resulted in a bit of a tidal wave that knocked me on my ass.  My boyfriend came home to find me sobbing at my desk like a lunatic..  He’s... not so good with emotional shit.  And I usually keep it bottled up so that no one knows what’s going on inside me.  But some days...  Some days it just overflows.  So, after confirming that nothing terrible had occurred and that I was reliving September 2019, he slowly backed out of the room to leave me with my grief-wave.

8) I want to be one of those succulent people.  You know, the ones who have succulents lining their windowsills.  The dining room and kitchen windows are full of this oddball little plants.  The boyfriend hates it, but I told him he’d have to deal.  I’ll die on this hill.  I’m a succulent lady.

9) I’ve been reading memoirs or, rather, memoirs through collections of essays.  I don’t know if it’s the mental state I’m in or if social distancing has got me subconsciously reaching out for life beyond my head, but I can’t seem to read much else.  I loved Liz Phair’s Horror Stories.  I’m reading The Book of Help by Megan Griswold right now.  I’m determined to procure a signed copy of What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Blacker by Damon Young.  He did a virtual event for a local bookseller recently and they have signed copies available for purchase.  I just need to muster up the will to call them and ask them to hold one for me.  The little snippets of their life and experiences via these memoirs through essays bring me some measure of comfort.

10) I tried to watch Euphoria on HBO.  I managed to make it through the first episode, but I don’t think I can watch more.  I can’t relate, but that normally isn’t a necessity for an enjoyable story.  Maybe it’s just too depressing for me right now.

11) I binged Dollface on Hulu and wish I had more to watch.  Parts of it hit me hard.  I’ve always had trouble maintaining friendships, period.  But maintaining friendships while in a relationship has been damn near impossible for me.  Just like Jules.  Except, I’m not nearly as cool or gorgeous as Kat Dennings.  And I have no friends in this city to go back to.  Just friends at work. 

12) I haven’t worn makeup for 2 solid months.  I’m starting to miss it.  I found old selfies I’d taken in which I don’t recognize myself.  Did I ever look like that?  I must have since here is photographic evidence.  I look like shit now.  I’m forever in yoga pants and a hoodie with half-wet hair from the shower.  Maybe putting on a pair of jeans and a cute shirt and some makeup will make me feel like a human being again.  Maybe I’m not doing as well as I thought in quarantine.  Huh.

13) I hope you all are well.  If you’ve sent me a message, I’m so sorry for not responding.  My mental state has been delicate lately and the silence from me has nothing to do with your kind words.  I promise I read and treasure and appreciate anything that is sent to me.  I’m also sorry for having no offering of fic or a promise of something to come.  I haven’t written since last summer.  It’s been almost a year.  I guess I’m in a dry spell.

14) Since I’ve been struggling with loss/grief lately, I’ll leave you with a quote from Philip Pullman, taken from his novel The Amber Spyglass.  It’s about death, I suppose.  Or maybe just a transition to something else entirely.  It’s nice to think of my grandma and Rose and my sweet, sweet love of a dog falling in the raindrops and riding on the wind through tall grass.  If it wasn’t raining, I’d take my computer outside right now.

“Even if it means oblivion, friends, I'll welcome it, because it won't be nothing. We'll be alive again in a thousand blades of grass, and a million leaves; we'll be falling in the raindrops and blowing in the fresh breeze; we'll be glittering in the dew under the stars and the moon out there in the physical world, which is our true home and always was.” 

[sinceileftyoublog]

Jeff Tweedy’s Healing Power

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Normally, on Rosh Hashanah, I’d be visiting my 101-year-old grandmother at her retirement home. That obviously wasn’t going to happen this year, so I was happy to see that Jeff Tweedy was ringing in the new year with a drive-in show at the McHenry Outdoor Theater. My parents, girlfriend, and I got takeout from a nearby Hungarian joint (food my grandmother used to make, like chicken paprikash and goulash) and parked my mom’s van at our designated spot. This wasn’t your average drive-in show, though--something a year ago that would be really weird to say--with better-than-they-have-every-right-to-be cover bands in a baseball stadium lot. This was Music, the lead singer of Wilco, playing to people desperate to hear any sort of live performance, yes, but who also paid top dollar to see specifically Tweedy.

About an hour or so before the show was set to begin, probably every person in the parking lot got the breaking news notification on their phone that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg--to many, the last thread preventing whatever semblance of democracy we ever had from unraveling--had died. You wondered whether Tweedy (about as politically outspoken as any Gen X indie rocker living in a blue city) and his band had heard the news, and whether they would bring it up. Finally walking out at 8 PM, they started with late singer-songwriter Debbie Friedman’s version of "Mi Shebeirach", the Jewish prayer for healing. COVID-19, Rosh Hashanah, RBG: This was appropriate for a number of reasons, though Tweedy and his sons had performed it a couple times during their early pandemic nightly Instagram concerts from home. ("According to Jewish tradition, a person who dies on Rosh Hashanah, which began tonight, is a tzaddik, a person of great righteousness," book critic Ruth Franklin would write in a widely circulated Tweet.) Perhaps most fitting, though, is that many of Tweedy’s songs played that night were, in a way, empathetic prayers for healing.

To me, Tweedy used to be somewhat of a Midwestern folk hero. In Nick Offerman’s book Gumption, what is essentially a tribute to friends and heroes of his who exude the qualities the title word connotes, the chapter dedicated to Tweedy focuses on his and Offerman’s commitments to the arts as an escape from their conservative upbringing and culminates in the story of how Wilco’s 2002 masterpiece Yankee Hotel Foxtrot came to be released. (Wilco was dropped by Warner Records after refusing to creatively concede, streamed the album for free on its website, and released it the next year on Nonesuch Records.) On his recent solo material--particularly 2014′s Sukierae, released under the name Tweedy, 2018′s WARM, and 2019′s WARMER--Tweedy’s shown a looser, gentler side. George Saunders’ impeccable liner notes for WARM called Tweedy “our great, wry, American consolation poet;” such a label seems to be coming to its apex on what will be now Tweedy’s third solo album in three years, the earnestly titled Love Is The King. As always, though, he’s unsure: “or I certainly hope so,” he said after revealing the title to the audience last Friday.

This expression of ��love” varies from the biographically personal to the humanistic throughout Tweedy’s catalog. Sukierae was conceived as a way to positively process the cancer diagnosis of his wife Susie Miller Tweedy (she’s since recovered), and he played many of the album’s more devotional songs last Friday, from “New Moon” to “Summer Noon” to “Low Key” (“a minor smash hit...in my imagination,” he joked about the last). Indeed, the night was a family affair. Jeff was joined by his sons Sammy and Spencer on backing vocals and drums, respectively, and he offered familial anecdotes between many of the performed songs. He joked how his wife’s not a huge fan of WARMER’s “Guaranteed”, as the original lyrics were more complementary to her (“You’re a work of art” versus the eventual “You’re no walk in the park”), though the trials and tribulations of making a great love work is a more realistic depiction of faith than the idolatry of the former line. Contrast it with Wilco’s 1999 album Summerteeth, where Tweedy sang about his relationship in a much rockier sense. The upcoming reissue of the album, which contains a remaster of the original, demos, and a full concert from months after it was released, reveals a more on-edge version of Tweedy, rejecting the idea of playing certain songs live, half-jokingly uncomfortable at the band’s positive reception. Over the last few years, including Friday, he was more honest, more humorous, more at ease.

I posit that these few years of explicit musical familial introspection have improved Tweedy’s ability as a consolation poet at large, though not to be ignored is his now decade-long foray into collaboration with the great Mavis Staples. (Spencer played drums on Don’t Lose This, a 2015 posthumous release from Pops Staples.) During the show’s encore, which began with six straight covers, Sammy, Spencer, Jeff, and OHMME’s Sima Cunningham took turns singing “Friendship” from Don’t Lose This; later on, they’d perform the title track to Mavis’ Tweedy-penned You Are Not Alone. “You are not alone:” It’s another key to Tweedy, the songwriter and performer. Saunders writes, “Jeff told me once that what he’s trying to communicate to his listener is, ‘You’re O.K. You’re not alone. I’m singing to you, but I also hear you.’” He is aware.

Tweedy ended the show by talking a little bit about how and when Love Is The King was written, during quarantine, and though he maybe would have otherwise ended the show with the band’s dazzling version of Billy Bragg & Wilco’s “California Stars” (with masterful electric guitarwork from James Elkington), it felt better to end it with “Save It For Me”, coincidentally written the day George Floyd was murdered. Choking up, Tweedy said to the crowd, who were elated in the moment but in general likely reeling from any one or many of the health and spiritual crises ravaging the nation, some words of encouragement. “You’ll make it through.” But it’s something he said earlier in the show--I don’t exactly remember when--that stuck with me more. “I hope we live to see a better world,” he said, a simple and non-controversial enough statement that’s nonetheless radical in its fearlessness. I, too, hope we live to see a better world. I, too, hope love is the king.

[shitsippingfritata]

BLOG #6

FAMILY EDUCATION AND RELIGION

     These are the 3 most significant socializing institutions in my life.  They are the basis of my life, kinda ironic that education just recently joined the list.  But let us start with family.  In my family race has always been acknowledged and sometimes discussed but everyone has always adhered to their own thing.  Ironically my mom had 5 children, only one of which married a white person.  I think growing up in the area I did you are around a certain type of people and you find comfort in that.  Ethnically my extended family could not be more different.  With most of my siblings being married to spouses from outside the United Sates we have all experienced exposure to different cultures and customs.  I am very thankful for it because t has contributed to me being a more well rounded person.  As far as class I have mostly identified as middle class based on where I have lived during my adult years.  I have always been a straight male, and am proud of the fact that I have friends of all sexes and genders.  For religion I always got mixed messages as a youth.  My mother was Jewish, my Dad considered himself a non-practicing Catholic, so I occasionally went to synagogue with my Grandparents on my mom’s side.  Sometimes I went to a Catholic church with my dad but it was never consistent so I did not really have any solid foundation with religion till I met my wife.  As far as ability there have been times where various members of my family have had their ability to participate in everyday life hindered but we make the best of it.  

     As far as Education goes most of these have not had much of an effect on it as far as messages go.  On second thought that is not entirely true.  Most of the messages I received about education were more about my observations then anything else.  Out of all my siblings and my parents, and Grandparents I have one older brother and my Dad who completed college.   So it was not a very consistent positive message.  I always remember when ever I would bring home a really good grade like a 95 my mom would be happy, I would go see my dad on the weekends and he would say “What happened to the other 5 points?”  I think that is what led to my 24 year gap in my education.  I did not have enough positive messages about education, and what I did get was like getting orders from a drill Sargent in the marines.  

     I really have not had consistent messages for most of my life on these subjects, so I have always jokingly said I am surprised I turned out as normal as I did.

[briamichellewrites]

33

If Kevin, Brian, A.J., Howie, and Nick had a dollar for every swear word they heard… Bria invited them to hang out with her and Linkin Park at the studio during one of their days off. They were introduced to each other. While watching them, they came to see how well-organized they were. Mike and Brad were in charge. They all took turns recording while all six of them joked about like brothers. Brian jokingly asked how they got along so well.

There wasn’t any fighting or arguing or anything. They were friends before they became a band. They met each other in high school or college, except for Chester. He auditioned for the band. How did they all meet? It was through an advertisement in the paper about forming a boy band.

They each auditioned. The only two who knew each other were Kevin and Brian. A.J., Nick, and Howie knew each other because they had the same voice coach but they didn’t know each other well. Joe pointed out Bria, who had the idea of the name for their band. They were thinking about calling themselves Xero, spelled out as X-e-r-o, Linkin Park, or Hybrid Theory.

Mike asked her which one she liked better and she thought Linkin Park sounded cooler, so they went with that one. She jokingly told them they were welcome. They noticed the differences between them. Mike and Joe were Asian. Yes, they were. Mike was part Japanese, Joe was Korean, Brad and Rob were Jewish; Phoenix was gay and Chester was Chester. They laughed. Rob thought that explained him perfectly. Phoenix was quieter than usual. He didn’t want to be there but he had to.

He was distracted by his phone and the thoughts in his head. Chester noticed him getting up. They nodded to each other before he also got up. They excused themselves. Mike and the band knew why he was leaving. He did that whenever he needed a few minutes to get away. Sometimes he went out to cry privately. He was overwhelmed with stress. They wanted him to get help.

They didn’t want to lose him to exhaustion. He was their brother, so they wanted to help him in any way possible. They went outside where they sat down together. He then started crying quietly. Chester asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He responded that his mother was dying. The cancer had spread throughout her body and they couldn’t stop it. She wanted to die at home, so they hired a nurse to come every day to help out rather than having her go into hospice.

She had a year left. Fuck cancer! He was angry at the disease for taking her away from their family. She was still very young. It wasn’t fair. Chester listened to him before asking him to go into grief counseling. He shouldn’t be going through this by himself. They were worried about him. He wiped his tears. Will you come with me? Just for the first appointment?

Only if he wanted him to. Yes, he did. Then, he would. Thank you. The nineties. That was a topic of conversation since they all went through it. Brian asked her what kind of music she listened to as a teenager. She had to think back.

“Oh my god. The Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, *NSYNC, the Spice Girls and Hanson. For a while, I was in this phase where I listened to Gloria Estefan, Ricky Martin, and someone Iglesias.”

“Enrique Iglesias”, Howie said.

“Yeah. I also listened to Shania Twain. It drove my father crazy because he didn’t understand my music choices. Then, I started dating Mike in 1998. He got me listening to eighties and nineties hip hop and eighties new wave.”

“You’re an equal opportunity music lover”, Rob joked.

“I am. I like to annoy Brad by playing Come On Over by Shania Twain. He hates it, especially the song That Don’t Impress Me Much. There’s that line, ‘Okay, so you’re Brad Pitt. That don’t impress me much.’ He always tells me to change the song.”

They laughed. Did she know Brad Pitt? Yes, she dated him for about two years and they lived together for a while. How in the world did she meet him? She was in Cannes at a restaurant. The dude was trying to order but he didn’t know French and the poor waitress didn’t know English, so she had to intervene. After she got home, they started talking and then eventually started dating. They liked to joke about him having fifty-fifty custody of her cat, Tiny.

Why did they break up? She left him because of his alcoholism, which she didn’t find out about until after they moved in together. He was irritable and angry, so she didn’t want Tiny to go through that. When he left to work on a movie, she boarded her cat, called a locksmith to change the locks, and then packed up all of his stuff. After he completed treatment, he apologized for his behavior.

They had no idea. What was he like when he wasn’t drinking? He was two different people. The guy they saw in public was different than who he was in private. In private, he was a guy with insecurities. He hated comments about his body and he never truly believed in his greatness. A lot of it had to do with him wanting to be his own person while also wanting to uphold his parents’ expectations for him. It was a lot of pressure for him.

Especially since he felt he had to be Brad Pitt, the movie star when in reality, he was just a guy from Oklahoma and Missouri. Mike thought that explained who he was perfectly. She met his parents. They were not easy to impress. She was not going to get into that. They laughed. Mike jokingly asked about his parents. She loved his parents and Bradford’s parents.

“I remember going to Thanksgiving with you and your family. Your grandfather or someone found out I could speak Japanese, so we were talking back and forth. You were just standing there awkwardly not knowing what the hell we were saying.”

They laughed.

“I think I also talked to your brother in Spanish. Both of you guys, your families are awesome!”

“My parents adopted you”, Brad said with a smile.

“Oh my god. That means you’re never going to get rid of me.”

They laughed. When Phoenix came back in with Chester. His eyes were red and puffy, but they didn’t acknowledge it. He sat down without saying anything. Mike patted his back. Thank you. Did he want to come over and have a beer? Yeah, that would be great.

Kevin and the guys noticed the differences between their band and Linkin Park. They were a genuine family. Not just a bunch of guys who made music together. This was what they wanted to be. How the hell did they do it?

Chester asked Bria if she was going to get another kitten. She answered that was always a possibility. Mike told her not to get another kitten. Three cats were enough. That was why they couldn’t have nice things. Howie jokingly asked if they wanted to teach them how to get along. Brad joked they needed someone like Mike. He was the glue that kept everyone together.

The band agreed with that. That made him laugh. Bria also kept them in line. Mike volunteered to come in and see what they needed help with. They would appreciate that. Joe jokingly asked Mike what they would do without him. Chester answered they would never get anything done because Brad would be stressed out and everything would fall apart. Joe joked that they would be fighting each other like ninjas. Mike thanked them. He appreciated it. Mike Shinoda: Ninja Tamer. They laughed.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia