#I hate Cairn

[acourtofquestions]

Kinda terrified I’m gonna have “another nickel” for an “Aelin Galathynius style “final stand” murder rampage in captivity” after that ominous Ch. 20 ending… kinda hoping she does… because babe it’s time; this is horror, she needs out, Rowan is so close, and Cairn deserves Karma.

[rocks-with-googly-eyes]

guys can a yap abt moon cairn?

ok thx cuz i hate her :)

ok so like i hate her sm XD like bro u can’t dip from your old life and leave ur friends js cuz u get married and also like speaking of… ur husband sucks sweetie i’m sorry 💀 bro jit married a rock idec that they were controlled by ghost before cuz like they’re actual personality as themselves after is just terrible 😢. She’s rude asf and annoying plus (and i’m i’m bias but that’s not the point) but like poor phos, even if after ghost was removed cairn doesn’t see phos as a friend anymore which like she dosent have to but it pisses me off that they don’t even recognize nor care that a relationship between the two of them did exist at one point. like even if u glow up and ditch all ur old friends it’s stupid to ignore that past u even happened. cairn has so many character flaws and I respect that those exist and her character developed the way it did for story sake but it still pisses me tf off that they’re just so ignorant and annoying :(

no ones has to agree nor even read this but yk i js wanted to yap a lil so if you did read my spat of negativity then ty :))

[daisychainsandbowties]

a little off from your original song prompt, but whenever I hear "In the Stars" by Benson Boone I get Season1!Mary and Season2a!Lilith vibes.

Mainly just these lines:

Now, Sunday mornings, I just sleep in It's like I buried my faith with you I'm screamin' at a God, I don't know if I believe in 'Cause I don't know what else I can do

I'm still holdin' on to everything that's dead and gone I don't wanna say goodbye, 'cause this one means forever Now you're in the stars and six-feet's never felt so far Here I am alone between the heavens and the embers

Oh, it hurts so hard For a million different reasons You took the best of my heart And left the rest in pieces

i came out to be attacked and i am honestly feeling so attacked right now

ok but fr this is tmtl beatrice for me

"it's like i buried my faith with you"

& yes it IS mary but for mary the line goes more like "i buried my love with my love"

[balteus]

"uwu i liked cairngorm before the moon" people r gonna drive me insane how do you look at a character who appears uncomfortable in their own skin in every scene they're in and who's selflessness only comes out of a sense of duty and their lack of respect for themselves and think ah yes this is a good state for them to be in. cairngorm didn't offer her head to phos because she had some holy intentions she did it because she felt trapped by the identity those around her built for her, she wanted to die.

[pandorasgrief]

Me reading houseki no kuni: oh wow cairngorm x aechmea is sooo juicy.... toxic. Manipulation. Grooming. Fuck yeah this is a treat

The fandom: if you like Aechmea you are a MONSTER and a RAPE APOLOGIST! Omggg he is the worst character he shouldnt have existed! Omggg poor Cairngorm, he got manipulated so much! He loved phos, he was just a tsundere :< Aechmea cut out his personality :<

Me: oh wow nobody understands wtf happened in the manga

[wp100]

damn, people arent wrong. xal'atath IS hot.

[dekarios]

i need help with vet bills (again).

hi. for those of you who remember, earlier this year i asked for donations to help me afford toos' vet bills, who we found out through your help had kidney failure, and again with your help we got her on medication for it. unfortunately it wasn't enough, and we lost her. and then shortly after, dexter began deteriorating, which we put down to his grief of losing toos - she kept him young, he followed her everywhere, he only played because of her, he only ate when she ate, etc. without her he just stopped. and then he started to have seizures and fits daily. we got him blood tests, but he was suffering so badly. we made the decision to put him down. i didn't ask for donations this time, because i was so deeply embarrassed to ask for help again. but we are still recovering financially from that, as well as the parts of toos bills that didn't get covered from donations. my mother hasn't worked for a very long time, she's disabled and very sick, and she receives PIP from the government that only covers her monthly medications that are not covered by the NHS. my father retired early to become her full time carer, and we are living off his pension. i am too disabled to work, but because my mother already receives PIP and i live with them, the government are resistent to giving me any help - so i have zero income, and rely entirely on my parents.

this is jenny. she's a 14 year old cairn terrier, who loves when we garden because she wants to help dig holes. she helped us bury dexter and toos, digging their graves for them with my dads help. she's an angel, and loves people so much she likes to escape under the fence and join other families for awhile. one time she got into someones back garden and asked to come in as they were eating lunch. she really hates flies, and will try to bite them out of the air (she has never succeeded but i believe she will one day). she will rub her face against you until you start stroking her, and will growl and even bark if you stop! we don't have the money to take jenny to the vets, for a checkup or for anything they may want to do. this has been an ongoing issue, but toos and dexter took priority, and it hasn't been a bother to her. she existed as normal for a long time, but that's since changed.

jenny has this lump in her mouth, it is larger than the picture shows, but she is a nightmare to force open her mouth since this got so big, i think it's uncomfortable or painful for her. she can't properly close her lips now, and it has pushed all her front teeth away, misshaping her mouth, and sometimes it bleeds profusely. eating has become difficult for her, she can't eat anything hard, and currently will only eat soft human foods like rice, scrambled egg chopped up so small she doesn't have to chew, and things like soups and gravy. she's lost a lot of weight, and i'm getting frightened. to add onto it, i've found lumps like this across her body. i've done as much research as i can, and i believe it to be an oral tumor, it fits, and it looks right, and it spreading across her body is called 'full staging'. and going by all i've read - they will want to remove them in surgery. according to my research, this will cost anywhere from £585 - £4,740 for just the lump in her mouth. that's not including any checkup/test costs, or the other lumps on her body.

she hasn't been to the vet yet, i don't have any secure goal or bills to share, just my assumptions and beliefs from researching myself online. my parents refuse to take her because we can't afford it. i want to save up money, have it in my bank, and show them that we can help her now, before it gets worse, or it's too late. as i said before, i don't have any income, so the only way i can do this is with help.

here's a link to my paypal.me

the icon is a little mouse, and the @ is rivellon

i struggled so badly posting the first post like this for toos. i felt so guilty and embarrassed and ashamed. but i have no choice again, i want to help jenny. i don't want her to suffer. and selfishly, i can't handle losing another dog so soon. this year has been waking nightmare, and i need your help to stop it getting even worse.

please reblog and share, even if you can't donate.

thank you for reading.

[vienna-salvatori]

I just finished the silt verses (absolutely amazing, my heart is broken) and uh. well.

y'know how the episode titles make a poem?

It fits really well if you think it's Paige saying it, around the same time as the closing narration of the final episode. The sentiment matches VERY WELL with her approach to the Wound Tree, and what she's expecting to happen afterwards.

Evidence below the cut

Here's the poem, in full. Particularly relevant lines are bold.

Let me speak first of revelations/ and next of dark deceit Then I'll speak of champions/ of lovers, gods, and beasts My song is long and twisted/ it winds, it worms, it wends It carries few, it drowns many/ and those I love, it rends My song has taken hold of me/ it grips my tongue, my throat My voice cries truths I never knew/ and to fight is just to choke So let me dwell eternal/ and in ruined flesh ascend For my song has no beginning/ and the current flows on without end If I could trace with bloodless fingers/ If my hands could shape the flow I'd bear this song to the precipice/ and rend us both to dust below We'd both go plunging downwards/ One final fall from grace I'd howl, I'd scream, in victory/ And we'd be gone without a trace But we'll never be rid of each other/ my song, my sorrow, and I So I'll bear it trembling onwards/ to drift on, to dream, to die And where my final footsteps fall/ something dreadful shall arise Its gaze shall fall o'er trembling plains/ its wrath shall scald the sun And where once its howling forebears walked/ some day there shall be none The wise man knows the taste of rot/ all lovers part as dust And even the kings in their bowers of steel/ shall wither in ruin and rust This rotten world shall wheeze its last/ this hateful hymn shall cease But as my last breath splits my throat/ I'll wheeze through splintered teeth One last song of revelations/ of prophets' dark deceptions Of love, and gods' defeat Of love, and gods' defeat

and those I love, it rends: Pretty self explanatory. Paige has no idea what actually killed Shrue, Hayward, or Carpenter. Or Faulkner, for that matter... but she knows Shrue was killed while uttering the prayer-marks of their god, so assuming she was hallowed by it is a pretty reasonable guess. She knows Hayward martyred himself to buy her time. Her god already claimed her father's life, and as far as she knows, probably took Hayward at a minimum too. Even if they weren't claimed by it directly, they still died in service to, or as a result of, the cause of the god she decided to champion.

So let me dwell eternal/ and in ruined flesh ascend: "ascend" very much brings to mind sainthood or hallowing, and there are VERY few people who would talk like they're a) expecting that to happen and b) are actually pretty unbothered by the concept. Paige knows she's doomed, and she's come to accept that.

But we'll never be rid of each other: Acantha/The Cairn Maiden explicitly confirms this in chapter 41: Paige won't be free of her god, in either life or death.

And where my final footsteps fall/ something dreadful shall arise Its gaze shall fall o'er trembling plains/ its wrath shall scald the sun And where once its howling forebears walked/ some day there shall be none and This rotten world shall wheeze its last/ this hateful hymn shall cease Paige's conversation with The Cairn Maiden pretty much confirms this, too. She knows: a) Paige's own death is coming. She already has plants growing out of her own body, her transformation is not really in doubt at this point. b) the wound tree is already starving, and raging against the world as it does so- Paige, as its prophet, has a front-row seat to this. The Cairn Maiden confirms that this is common behaviour for a dying god. c) All gods die. All gods will die, in the end, and Paige's movement will be a part of that. d) The Cairn Maiden was waiting for the god-winds to die down. They did, in the finale, thanks to Val.

So: Paige knows her ending is here, on the now-silent plains. She knows her god is dying already, and she has set the plans in motion to make sure it does die. She will transform, and it will rage, but eventually- eventually- it will die, and so will all the other gods.

Howling forebears, splintered teeth- a minor point, here, but the word choice is specific: "howling forebears" is clearly a reference to the god-winds, now quieted in the Grace and blowing elsewhere. "Splintered teeth" is interesting because Paige mentions "broken teeth" as one of the features of her inevitable transformation in her closing narration. We also get "trembling plains" in the poem, and while I think the only reference to this area as "plains" is in the transcript, it does fit with the environment.

Obviously the poem is about the Silt Verses as a whole, too- the Carpenter and Faulkner relationship is evident in the titles as well- but if this thing exists in universe, I'm pretty damn sure that Paige is the one reciting it.

[acourtofquestions]

Petition to let ACOTAR’s frequent resurrections enter the TOG realm just so every character & fan can get the chance to kill Cairn at least once

[misstrashchan]

When it comes to predicting what happens with Carpenter and Faulkner in the last episode, I can't help but think back to S2 with Carpenter and the homesick corpse.

Carpenter's final talk with the homesick corpse is much more relevant to her character than I think people give credit for

The homesick corpse died because someone in the parish of tide and flesh, a sibling, turned on him, and he was hunted down, just like Faulkner turning on Carpenter and how she's been hunted by the people of the faith she once belonged to.

HOMESICK CORPSE:

I never learnt who turned me in. I knew it must have been a sibling of the faith, one of the families I had most frequently visited or one of the hidden pilgrims who offered food and shelter along the roadside. Someone who would have known who I was and where I was going next.

I spent many of my final days turning the names over in my head, trying to guess - who might I have offended, who might have wished me dead, amongst my friends along the road?

In the end, I stopped wondering. I wished to die with love in my heart: not doubt, not enmity.

Carpenter was reeling from Faulkner's betrayal and turning it over in her head, why did he do it, how could he, hating him, loving him. Also the dying in enmity bit. Emnity means to oppose or be hostile, to die in emnity is to die spitefully in opposition of something or someone in your final moments. Paige's god is defined by dying to spite and oppose their oppresors. Faulkner's schism of the Trawler-Man is defining themselves by their struggle against those same oppresors and those in higher power with more authority, including those in their own faith like the inner council of the high katabasian, hence why he snapped at the idea of their god being legalised and killed Mason.

Silence. CARPENTER digs.

CARPENTER:

(More roughly)

What do you regret?

THE HOMESICK CORPSE:

That I did not speak my love out loud often enough.

I had so much love in my life - it was offered to me as freely as rain. 

I felt it so deeply, but I did not speak of it. I knew it only through ritual, through shared meals and the chanting of crowds, through the oration of new words to old friends and the applause that followed.

I should have told them all how much I loved them.

CARPENTER chokes, a little, because she recognises the sentiment.

Then there's Carpenter and the Cairn Maiden, and the homesick corpse, speaking to her of dying with love in their heart instead of emnity. If Carpenter does die this season, I think that will be what's in her heart in her final moments. Though, I think it's much more likely Faulkner will die, who instead of sacrificing his siblings to the Trawler-Man or killing them for his own sake, he'll sacrifice himself to protect Carpenter from the remaining Parish of Tide and Flesh's wrath.

Speaking your love aloud more often and struggling because you only know how to do so through ritual clearly resonates with Carpenter, her faith in the trawlerman was how she stayed connected to her loved ones, even after they died, and that's why she decides to go back and tell Faulkner, her brother, that she loves him in the S2 finale. She never gets the chance to, but despite everything done against her, I think the love is still there. What Faulkner did to her wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't. And still she hasn't spoken of that love aloud, at least not to him.

The Cairn Maiden also speaks to Paige of how they will bury the beasts (the gods that starve and die) with more comfort and kindness than they deserve, which I think will be what Carpenter does for Faulkner if he does die, whether that's him dying to protect Carpenter, or her putting him out of his misery, or him committing suicide. She'll bury him with more comfort and kindness than he deserves.

CARPENTER picks up the withered body and lays it down in the dirt.

Then she shovels the earth over it, in silence.

As she shovels, she begins to pray. It’s different, this time - the words come jolting out of her, they come strong and hard and she feels their weight.

She chokes, and she sobs, but she keeps on speaking them all the same.

CARPENTER:

This is the place. 

This has always been the place.

You were always walking towards this moment.

There’s nothing left to hold on to.

There’s nowhere left to go.

There’s no need to worry any more.

Her voice breaks on the final line

She breathes hard, struggling not to sob.

There is also that one hopeful part of me that wants to believe Faulkner would want so badly for Carpenter to kill him, to offer up his life to her for atonement, and her to be furious at the very idea that he thinks he can escape the weight of what he's done by dying, by putting that blood on her hands. For her to convince him to live with what he's done and move forward instead. Which personally I think would end up tying into the theme of finding the opposite of a sacrifice, of trying to break the cycle, but, *shrugs* who knows what could happen?

Ultimately whatever way it ends for them the one thing I am certain of is that I will be a crying mess on the floor.

[catwyk]

tsv finale spoilers below. i wrote this during my first listen through. its long as fuck. im dead im ruined.

cull calling out to rane instead of faulkner.... rane is truly the real leader now

FAULKNER......

"katabasian rane? sister thurrocks?" im gonna be sick

"hes basically a cow" spit your shit carp

"people in my life keep leavin to serve a cause i just cant understand" BASHES MY HEAD ON THE WALL

"we must love them for fleein from our touch e must not run after them" oh baby :(

this is actually fucking destroying me right now oh poor faulkner. failed by the world.

"of course i recognize you. youre carpenter's ghost" // "yes. i am" // "that must mean that im being punished. arent i?" he sounds so small and young oh my god

"if this is my punishment, then why am i smiling?" OKAY PARALLELS TO HIS VISIONS IN S2. OKAY. IM NOT GOING TO CRY. I WONT.

his monologue is ruining me actually oh god.

"they invented their own faulkner. and they forced me to be him" THATS WHAT IM SAYIN

he called her his sister...

im sure hes gonna die

"you crashed a car??" // "yeeah. i crashed a car." i love her

"they need to fix you, they need to make you better, and ill, ill watch over your bed, ill be there, carpenter. ill pray, ill pray and pray for as long as i need to" christ alive. i need to lay down RIGHT NOW.

méabh de brún too good at acting like shes in pain im abt to dial an ambulance

EM??? EM MENTION. EM MENTION

ok this is fuelling my hc that faulkner reminded carpenter of em in some painful and undefinable way

"i should tell paige that story, if i get to see heg again"

"OUR paige?" CRYING FOR A MILLION YEARS. AND HIS "HUH" AS WELL WHEN CARPENTER CONFIRMS

twin mouths truther forever

"i hate you too, faulkner, i truly do. and i love you, too. in spite of everything" // "always on the very precipice of understanding one another"

faulkner's "DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!" is fucking me up b narr the voice actor everrr

SHES GONNA LEAVE HIM A CAIRN 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

"there'll be a place for you, and itll be beside me" DRIVING STRAIGHT INTO A LAMPPOST AS WE SPEAK

NO HES GONNA TRY AND KILL HER ISNT HE

"yeah. perhaps thats it. do you?" again. coolest fucking character on the planet

"this is when the waters parted, and at last..! at last he understood!" jesus christ. jon ware the writer that you are

"say you were raised in the service of a god of fire. so you feel like the world would be a much better place if more things were on fire" i busted out laughing WHAT a tone shift

"dennis duplace helped. hayward.. dad.. carpenter.. im leaving all of you behind" i am a husk of a person. lucille valentine knocking it out of the park

"best feeling in the world, seeing you walk away" holy fucking shit this is DAMAGING ME.

i wanna write every quote thats making my heart sting but the transcript is already up so theres no real point

every single va is popping the FUCK OFF by the way. i have to keep reminding myself theyre acting so i dont like. kill myself

val saving hayward was NOT on my bingo card what the fuck

"and before she died... she remembered who she was" OHHHHHHH MYYYYY GODDDDDD

hayward doing his own rites of the cairn maiden for himself :(

no gods coming for hayward but "fuck it. this one's not... for any of you. this ones for me"

WHY IS FAULKNER BACK. NONONO ITS ONLY GONNA BE BAD. PLEASE NO

i never realized the parallel between faulkner's gardener father and his gardener god

carpenter meant so much to him :(

"Sister! I love you! Where are you going? Dont turn your back on me! Dont you dare- Sister! I need you! SISTER! SISTER! MARCO! MARCO!" FAULKNER NO NOT LIKE THIS NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

FUCK YOU JON WARE (<- COMPLIMENT)

THE FAULKNER BODY FAKEOUT. SEE ABOVE POINT

carpenter's scream...... oh god.. oh méabh de brún the woman that you are

"he could be a face from my childhood. or his" charlie.......

HES BEEN BLOND THIS ENTIRE TIME????????????? i should have fucking known

"but no matter how it starts, no matter how it turns out for us, it can end with love, cant it? it can end with love. it can end with kindness." i said oh my god out loud

the delivery of "and then i let him go" why not just drive a railroad spike through my lungs

"the river is vast, and no dam can block every channel, and ours is a world of miracles." i said jesus christ out loud

i wheezed when she just. got back up this old bitch cannot die can she

not nana glass' song............

FUCKING TAINSLEY. CHEKHOVS TAINSLEY.

oh my god. a final heartbreaking credits scene

i had to just sit and lean back for a second. what a fucking ending. what a fucking podcast. this is one of those pieces of media that takes up residence in your brain forever. im never gonna stop thinking about this

[alirex-art]

I actually don't understand all the Euclase hate like can someone explain to me I'm that lost 💀

Why specifically Euclase? tbh every character had problems:

Rutile's attachment issues with Padpa,

Yellow Dia is raw dogging 3000 y/o mental illnesses,

Morga insulted Phos at the very beginning and then fucking died,

Cairn fell into THE toxic relationship while trying to get away from one another,

Lapis just slayed all the way,

Ghost was bby girl coded and did nothing wrong tbh,

Dia was selfish to Bort, Bort was Bort. (just kidding I love Bort but Bort had some close mindedness + snobbish issues)

The fact that moon gems got so comfy with yk, THE MOON. The moon, which is the base of the evil civilization that commited genocide towards you; kidnapped your close ones and gave you depression for enternity. Like fr Goshe good for you. You are a sk8er b0y see you later boy now. I guess too sad for the old fellas that got turned into dust 😎 on the moon it was crazy to me that the only ones caring was Phos, with a little bit of Padpa.

This post is kind of a shitpost so please don't take it too seriously. But I really want to know why people hate specifically Euclase.

I used to see Euclase as pretentious but after going back at the manga I think they meant for good at whatever they did or say, but they did not know how to do good that well 🤡 They sucked at being good.

Honestly there are way more bad characters than Euclase. Go be mad at the moon man himself; the master manipulator, groomer, genocider: A*chmea!

[shadowqueenjude]

Over five centuries old, Lorcan was the strongest male in the Fae realm, equal only to Rowan himself. They’d never been true friends, and after the events of a few weeks ago, Rowan would have liked nothing more than to slit the male’s throat for leaving Aelin to die at the hands of the Valg princes. He might very well get the chance to do that—soon. “Do you have friends?” “No.” His cabal of warriors didn’t count. Gods-damned Whitethorn hadn’t seemed to care when he abandoned them to serve Aelin Galathynius; Fenrys made no secret he hated the bond; Vaughan was barely around; he couldn’t stand Gavriel’s unbreakable restraint; and Connall was too busy rutting Maeve like an animal most of the time. “When we returned, Maeve whipped us within an inch of our lives. Tied Lorcan to the posts for two days and let Cairn whip him whenever he wished. Lorcan ordered us not to tell you—for whatever reason. But I think Maeve saw what we did together in Mistward and realized how dangerous we could be—to her.” And Elide wondered if Rowan also understood that Lorcan hadn’t ordered their silence for strategy, but perhaps to spare the prince from guilt. From wanting to retaliate against Maeve in a way that would surely harm him.

Rowan's POV vs Lorcan's POV and Elide's POV 🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴 He LOVES you bro how the hell are you so BLIND???

[mieowkoid09]

CairnPhos brings Cinnabar's mercury to shame lmao

"Pre Moon Cairngorm was kinder to Phos than they are now"

Pre Moon:

Some of these may just be banter but still- you have to admit that Welegato isn't as bad as they were before they had the ghost removed. and ngl I could be wrong on this but I dont think Cairn ever told Phos 'thank you' pre moon.. Also Pre Moon Cairn (arguably) only gave advice that would make Phos feel better. while Post Moon Welegato? Welegato actually gave GOOD advice to make EVERYONE happy, not just Phos.

you can go ahead and ship these messy exes if you still want to tho, Make them hate eachother so much that they think they're in love <3 or create an AU where Phos realizes Cairn still has ghost in their eye and removes it only to realize that their connection was fabricated and not truly real and give Phos an even worse sense of isolation. Cuz omg they're so toxic and it is delicious. or make them fluffy who knows, but still, please realize that in canon that they are SO toxic that they bring Cinnabar's mercury shame

[amber-laughs]

hi !! I hope you're having a good day/night!

how about 5 and 18?

5. A dead female character you need to save

does Ashara count if she’s canonically dead but i don’t believe her to be? i just recently learned that reddit hates the Jyana Reed = Ashara Dayne theory but it just makes so much sense to me i forget not everybody is on bored. i mean people saw Ashara coming out of Ned’s tent in the morning but we the audience know he was sharing a tent with Howland that night and for some reason Howland’s kids know everyone Ashara danced with 16 years later. and “nerdy boy gets the most beautiful girl at the prom” is just something i can see grrm doing. but anywayyy I just think she’s a classic case of haunting the narrative while still having so much information that could be not only useful to the plot but so interesting. she’s one of the few female characters who lived at court with Aerys, she was a lady in waiting and presumably a friend to Elia so she could give us insight to her and Rhaegar’s marriage and what Elia knew. I do think there’s more to her relationship with Ned, not specifically romantic but my guess is she knew Arthur Dayne’s location, therefore Lyanna’s and passed the information to Ned and Howland which is how Ned found her. she’s just so fun to theorize about I hope she makes a living appearance

18. A mystery you need solved NOW

There's this one. but another one i need is how Ned and Howland completely took down the Tower of Joy. i always assumed it was Howland's magic crocodile powers but Ned specifically says he did it

Ned had pulled the tower down afterward, and used its bloody stones to build eight cairns upon the ridge. A Game of Thrones - Eddard X

so what's up? was Ned just hurling baby Jon at the stone until it cracked? Jon's first chore i guess. and also why? i know he said he was making markers for the dead but he needed an entire tower worth of stone to do it? no i definitely think there's something more there. a reason why Ned didn't want anyone to ever go back to there

[cahleir]

PASSING BY | MILLARDNULLINGS

contentwarnings: millard's pov, fem!reader, major character death

angst/fluff

Every morning, at exactly 8:26 AM, you found yourself running a full sprint toward the home. You kept your arms at your side to ensure that you wouldn't trip in your floral dress as you ran.

I'd wait for you on the third step, a few inches away from a pot full of Fiona's lavender astilbes.

"Hello, gorgeous," you'd say with a giddy laugh.

"M'lady," I'd match as I took your hand in mine. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Oh, you know," you'd smile with a knowing look in your eyes. "Just passing by!"

We'd walk along the shore of Cairnholm's beach and swim along the shallow end right beside the lighthouse.

By 9:00 AM we would lay in the sand. Your fingers thread through my hair in a way that made me believe you could see it.

I look up at you as you eyed the crashing waves with a childlike wonder. You glowed. Bits of sand were still washed up in your hair, but it didn't seem to bother you in the slightest because that bright smile of yours wouldn't go away no matter how hard you tried to hide it.

Moments like these made me so happy, so grateful to be alive with you. I told you nearly everything. I told you how I was almost finished reading a book you lent me. I stumbled to put my love for you into words because you needed to know. I told you everything I remembered about what happened 'yesterdays'. But I couldn't tell you about my yesterday. I couldn't tell you about how Jacob Portman had supper with us again last night, or how Miss Peregrine's suddenly stopped asking about you. I couldn't tell you most things because it wouldn't matter. You wouldn't remember.

The next day, I was back on the third step, a little earlier than I should've been. I watch as the rest of the kids did their handful of chores.

In ways, I was lucky. Instead of cleaning up the gutter, I get to spend the whole day with you, everyday.

"Hello, gorgeous," you said smiling, offering a hand. I took it and hoisted myself up with little to know grace.

"M'lady," I gave you a lingering kiss on the cheek as our hands intertwined before we set off to the beach. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Oh, you know," I did know. "Just passing by!"

As we walk along the shore once again, I made sure to keep you closer to my side. Your sundress fluttered in the wind and your cheeks were dusted with pink.

I couldn't help but wonder how you were holding up outside of the loop. Did you remember me? Do you miss me the way I miss you? You're probably in your late eighties by now.

I looked to you, heart full of hope. Were you still alive?

When supper rolled around, I walked you home in the dim lights of Cairnholm. With a kiss good night, and a silent plea for a little more time, I'd run back home for the last meal of the day.

At supper, Jacob had joined us once again and I watched with silent resentment at the looks he shared with Emma. What made it worse was Hugh and Fiona holding hands under the table right across from me. I chewed up my greens and kept my head down. They don't understand how lucky they were. None of them could. Because during the morning after reset, Hugh would help Miss Peregrine with the laundry, Fiona would tend to the garden, Bronwyn would watch over the children, and I would be sitting on the third step, inches away from Fiona's lavender astilbes.

"Mr Nullings," Miss Peregrine said softly, standing beside me. "I'm afraid I have some terrible news."

She sat me down in the parlor with the windows drawn and the doors shut, a worrisome look to her and a fairly ridged posture.

"I hate to keep things from you, and I'm sure you've noticed," Miss Peregrine kept her voice low and her head to the ground as she walked back in forth, a limp in her step.

Miss Peregrine told me all about how you had fallen ill. She'd given me permission to see you outside the loop with Jacob.

We exited the cairn and headed straight to your house, a cottage hidden at the edge of Cairnholm's cozy town.

I knock softly on the door and what answered was a series of frail coughs before you responded with a shakey, "Come on in, the door's always open, dear."

Jacob decided to stay on the porch, inststing on giving us time alone.

Your house stayed the same, lacy curtains and all, but the warmth, your warmth, was missing.

I sat on a stool beside the bed where you laid, your hand in mine. Your easy were still closed and i couldn't help but feel nothing but regret.

I regret not waking up to you in the morning. I regret all the days I spent withering away in the loop instead of withering away with you.

When you opened your eyes, I couldn't stop the sting behind my eyes when you flinched away. You still had the same beautiful eyes, but with crows feet around the edges to reflect your age. You still had the same long hair, but it was accompanied with grey at the roots. I regret not growing old with you like I promised.

"Hello, gorgeous," I said, pushing a strand of your hair behind your ear.

"Millard..." You said, a strain in your voice as I watched tears begin to gather in your eyes. "I've missed you," I gave your hand a soft, reassuring squeeze. I wasn't going anywhere this time.

"Well, lucky for you," I felt myself start to tear up and I never in my life hoped as much as I did now that you could see the way I looked at you; lovesick. "I was just passing by."

A/N Hope you enjoyed even a little bit of this fic because I was winging it the entire fucking time.