#I had to hold myself back from overexplaining

[vitalconviction]

Vincent Valentine for the ask game?

Sexuality Headcanon:

Unlabelled, but if hard pressed will say "doesn't make a difference to me" -- I also think he's full on demiromantic

Before he 'dies' for the first time I think he was quite casual about sex and the like in Midgar which was mostly a hobby of sorts since there wasn't actually much else to do in Midgar after the initial coolness factor wore off

After he wakes up different though, he's repressed city. The drive is still there, or it would be if he looked for it and if someone in particular he was soft on prodded him--but he is almost always rocking some level of derealization or depersonalization, if not totally dissociative in general so you have to Ground him first.

Romantically... eeh he's less restrictive on that because he's making the rightly false assumption he couldn't possibly be human enough to feel something, you know, NICE instead of BAD AND SHAME AND GUILT ALL THE TIME!

Gender Headcanon:

This one was a shrug always, just a vague who cares thing! I think overall he's GNC and likely agender or something along the lines of nonbinary, but after coming back wrong he's mostly concerned about whether or not he's even still a human so the gender thing is just beyond him LOL -- If anything, the lack of gender in general he feels after coming back probably plays into his fear of not being human anymore

As for how he presented himself, as a Turk he would be sauntering around below plate in whatever he thought looked pretty enough OR if it looked cool enough--whether it be a camisole with a dark colored lipstick that had alluring packaging Or a blazer he found that had amazing fabric that seemed to change colours in light! He's drawn to the abstract qualities of stuff!

As red bandana man, if he isn't sauntering around in his cloak, he's sauntering around in the most nondescript clothes ever. In the process of his slow recovery, given that he recovers, I think he would be inclined to go for a full-on androgynous look which would be the most comfortable for him. For work, though, he really associates it with masculine presentation so he feels quite weird when he makes the gradual shift Lol

A ship I have with said character:

VINSENG! Valenstrifesodos is also great :D I can be drawn in by the idea of Vinseph but in practice, ehhh, it doesn't fully hit LOL --also past-vinveld/future-vinveld, or even vinreeve, those two also are nice ships if the other guys aren't available to kiss vincent themselves

Vinseng is seriously the ship I have for him, and it's all based off the one au I have rattling around in my baby brain. TLDR for the ship basis is, Vincent finds purpose in caring for others and has chronically and historically been the person who cared too much for the role he was in. Tseng is literally THE SAME GUY but he didn't get turned into a science experiment. Every compilation expansion featuring Tseng has further added the narrative of him being far too invested personally, having too much compassion, caring in the way turks aren't supposed to.

They're both internally in opposition to their roles, still view it as a necessary evil (Tseng in particular doing mental gymnastics that would make an olympic gold medalist blush), think they're bad guys, and are RIPE for atonement but neither of them have canonically moved towards helping themselves because it's their disposition to let themselves rot. They both tried, and failed spectacularly, in going against their roles, with Tseng in trying to save Zack and directly going against the company and trying his damndest to keep Shinra away from Aerith for as long as possible--and Vincent in trying to stop the experiments on Lucrecia, and therefore also on Sephiroth. If they had been successful they would have literally changed the course of the entire fucking story.

I think if you smashed them in a room together and forcibly socialized them like two cats, which is what happens in my au, they would do the thing they always do which is care too fucking much. In this way, they seriously have the capacity to slowly heal together! I just want their cycles of pain and violence and self loathing to break man.

A BROTP I have with said character:

Honestly, not any! I suppose Barret and Nanaki would fit this dyanmic though! I really like seeing it in fics so I'll go with this :D

A NOTP I have with said character:

Vincent and Hojo existing in a relationship together, namely with Lucrecia. I can't even entertain the thought of Vincent/Hojo in general--and I mean this in a romantic ship sense, fucked up stuff I'm so down for, but I take ship to mean literal relationship in which there is a semblance of happiness LOL

Honestly Vincent/Cid is the only true NOtp for me because I can see someone who was an abuse victim falling back in with another abusive person, but I can't imagine myself liking this ship in any circumstance LOL I don't even like it in the fucked up way. I just am not the biggest fan of Cid I've found.

A random headcanon(s):

His mother was absent and he never met her, and his father was negligent in that he was abroad for work and rarely spared time for Vincent, so his childhood was pretty lonely.

He's from one of the islands off the coast of Wutai, their region was under occupation and he was almost displaced. He grew up under the occupation and subsequently learned their language as a tool of survival. During the fullstart of the fight back against the Kisaragi led occupation, his father panicked and pulled strings to get Vincent out. He started going fulltime to university as a student after that and even graduated early but it still wasn't what he wanted, so he left for Midgar.

Names and stuff of the place and language of the Island he's from I'm sparse on as I haven't gotten around to settling on etymology, but generally the basis will be Korean and Thai oriented :D In a similar vein, the Midgar language I had considered Nordic but since they're directly next to the plains there's probably Celtic too, but since the President Shinra is THE white guy of all time in the story I gravitate towards calling the language in Midgar Seaxe (anglo-saxon)

General Opinion over said character:

I LOVE YOU BANDANA MAN! This guy deserves to heal so hard. FUCK! He's an amazing character and I want to put him in so many situations. I also want to put him in my mouth like a chew toy.

[katherinevalo]

extra dose of screenshots! just to make sure i don't forget why i made them because as you probably noticed the last batch didn't have many thoughts XD

we are going over eps 22 and 23, eventful eps if i may say so myself

1 - "what is personal space?" god i love how close zishu stands like, he could absolutely stand a little further and still block wkx, but instead he is almost bumping into his chest. seriously it gives me pure joy looking at them

2 - a beautiful scenery with our beautiful ah-xu. *sigh~ took that ss to potentially use it as my desktop wallpaper, because (i had this convo on discord) i can't use proper fandom wallpaper since i use my laptop at lectures.

3 - unwelcomed guest interjects. shenshen seriously, why didn't you just stay inside?

4 - i will never stop being in love with this scene. i love how zishu helps him to lay down safely. tho i gotta say that the ss doesn't do it justice and you simply must watch the original scene

5 - fierce look while protecting his shidi (look idk why my laptop doesn't have the holding back tears emoji, but if it did i'd have used it here)

6 - i said this before and i will say this again, but this is some proper spirk handholding right there uwu

7 - back to our regularly scheduled "heartbreaking expressions of wkx"

8 - look at cao weining! look at his silly happy face! what a sweet child! don't we all wish we had someone like that in our lives-- *sobs~

9 - i know OUCH but also i love this subtle way to remind us of the reality of things (i always appreciate when writers don't underestimate the audience's intelligence by overexplaining and this is the perfect example of how to remind us without doing that). ALSO the panic on ah-xu's face. also, i have a whole thing here, because a discord friend said that ah-xu here was trying to hide the symptoms which i don't fullly agree with. i think that it was sort of aha! moment for ah-xu when he realized how bad it has gotten. because when you live with declining senses they decline gradually and you barely notice (but then there is something that you kinda punches you and you realized how much your senses have declined - tho i'm milking this from my experience of worsening sight and can't really speak for taste) tho imo for tastes and smells of familiar things (like liquor here) your brain would sort supply what it remembers them to be like. so to cut it short, i think it's also that kind of a moment for ah-xu

[oh-phineas]

Write your RPer Resolutions for 2023! (What are some goals for yourself as a writer? Improve descriptions? Plot with more members? Etc.)

Following up and seeing things through! I had a version of this on here last year, but I think it still stands. I’m not a very organized person and I really tend to go with the flow as a RPer, which I think is fine because I’m just here to have fun, but I think I probably miss out on some fun connections and opportunities by forgetting to do the “confirm end of thread— see if the other person wants to do something new” thing when a thread is winding down. I def do this sometimes but I also frequently forget or let a thread fizzle without checking in and I just want to be more proactive about that. I’d also like to be more organized about plots I’m organizing, making sure I’m circling back on them if they hit a stalled moment.

Communication and being direct. I also always put this on my resolutions lol and I’ll talk about this more in my plotting style answers, but even though I know I come off chatty in main and often approach people for plots I can be kind of shy lmao which is SILLY y’all are my FRIENDS but ya know how it is. I just would like to be better about saying “hey, these characters are vibing, I might ship them!” or “hey, this thread is getting intense, we good with this direction?” Or “I have this goal, would you be down for helping see it happen?” Because I think the thing I tend to do instead is just hold back and hedge in my replies and I think it can make for more vibrant and exciting threads if I just communicate and then we can both jump in full force!

Showing not telling, and cooling it with the editorializing. I know this is a thing I have done for YEARS. I have a tendency to overexplain my characters’ actions, which I think can be good for comedic/dramatic effect sometimes, but I also think it can get a little heavy-handed and I just don’t think it’s a great habit to be in all the time. Like yes there is something funny about saying “Lightning just ignored that comment because he was a self-centered jerk and it was inconvenient for him to hear” but I think I need to find ways to communicate those things more… artistically idk and trust my audience to draw their own conclusions. Because y’all are smart! Tbh I think the problem is I get embarrassed when my characters do certain things and feel the need to like… distance myself from them and show that I don’t condone this even though I think it’s quite obvious. And if it’s not well that’s what the tags are for lmfao.

Write at least one resolution, or “goal,” that you have as an RPer for your character(s)

Phineas: I want him to get in some sticky situations in the classic Flynn fashion :) But I also like when he learns something from these situations, so… idk boy has grown a LOT over the past few years. He’s done a lot of reflecting and changing and idk I think it’d be kind of cool if someone wrongs HIM and he realizes that he can’t always fix every situation through trying to be better, sometimes he just can’t change the other person’s behavior only how he reacts. I think that’d be cool. Alsoooo I’m excited about his newest business venture and I’d love to create some drama around that, whether it’s Phinnip drama or stuff with investors or clients or employees and just… yes. I’m simply obsessed with startup culture idk.

Tiana: Talked about this a lot in my voice memos but this year I’d really like Tiana to get tempted by fame/fortune/accolades/etc and lose sight of the point of Tiana’s Place a little bit and then learn a lesson. I don’t know how I’m going to make this happen but I think I just need to have a deep brainstorming session and really think it through. I’d also like to do more with her friend group and the awkward situation she’s kind of in with Vixey and Drakken and I’d REALLY love for her to date around a little and idk see what happens!

Aquata: Struggle through Board stuff some more. She has some BIG goals and I have a feeling they are probably not going to work out exactly the way she wants them to because they are BIG. And of course at the end of the day what she really wants is for the world to be safe enough that she can be out about being a mermaid, which is never going to happen unfortunately. So I think it’s also cool for her to achieve some goals and then still see they’re not going to get her exactly where she wants to be. I’d also like to explore her aversion to change, especially because there are a LOT of big changes coming for her family (JEFF is dating! Lana’s moving! Tina’s having a baby!) And she feels very Jo March about it if you catch my drift. I think that’ll be fun. And of course more fun stuff with the gym and her friend group there and school shenanigans with Drakken.

Anna: More interpersonal conflict! I’m really digging how many enemies she’s made lately and I have some fun plans for how that’s gonna intensify. She’s gone a slightly different direction from what I originally envisioned but I love this WAY more tbh and I’m really excited. I also need to figure out what she’s doing when she graduates, so I’d love to do more with her and older/mentor figures as well as her research/dissertation.

Bruce: Start his support group!! I’ve been building to this for a long time and the timing was just never right but I think we’re finally going to get there soon. He’s had a big turning point recently and had a lot of things come to a head and I think this is my opportunity to finally get this going. And I have another goal that I’ve alluded to a little bit I kind of don’t want to spoil it (it’s really not a big deal but it’s a big deal to HIM so…. ya.)

Annie: I want to explore more of her relationship to motherhood? She has some big stuff related to this coming up soon and I think also with the way I’ve been playing with her relationship to her mom lately I think it’s a good time for this. Because it’s really complicated for Annie and it’s more than just the “mommy blogger” “proud mama” etc persona that Annie portrays and honestly there’s a lot of stuff I never figured out so I just want to dig into that more. Maybe she needs more mom friends/enemies. Much to contemplate.

Tanya: More slice of life stuff. Typical college kid stuff like going to parties, maybe helping out around the Inn, having some RESPONSIBILITY for once, maybe even… getting a job??? Crazy I know. I would also really like to explore her relationship to death and life more, so this is a plot call for Demi… plz plz plz… although if that doesn’t work out I do think talking to our lovely mediums and spooky folks could help with this plot as well.

Mirabel: Definitely some school struggles. Moving back to Swynlake and having a support system has been really good for her mental health, but I’d also like to explore the idea that changing your circumstances CAN make a big difference but you also can’t keep ignoring the underlying problems. And I think it’ll be really frustrating for her in a good way if she’s worked so hard and changed so much and she just keeps struggling (because… look it’s a feeling I think we’ve all dealt with and I just rlly want to explore it as a writer) And once Mirabel starts addressing those underlying problems, maybe that can inspire the people around her to be more honest with herself and each other too. Just an idea :)

Lightning: Keep developing things with Cruz! This is gonna be a slow slow process and I do not want to rush anything at all, but I think the more we have them interact the richer their relationship can get. I also wanna have a major setback, like maybe they finally make some progress and then Lightning fucks up, etc. All things to consider. I also want to explore his flirty side more even though it literally makes me, the cringe captain, cringe so hard I wanna crawl in a hole sorry he is just SOO embarrassing but I promise it’s fun. Basically yeah I just wanna keep humbling him lmfao. Oh also a big one is I ammmm gonna need an excuse for him to stay in Swynlake this summer so… gotta figure that out.

Smee: My newbie! Definitely want to do some adventures with Hook and the boy (idk why it just tickles me calling him THE BOY) as they prepare for their big departure. I also want to flesh out some backstory stuff, whether that’s through self paras, flashback threads, creative tasks, etc as he is my oldest character by far and has a lot of history. I want to build up more trust with the good people of Swynlake and SHATTER IT. We don’t rlly have anyone his age but maybe it could be an NPC or someone’s grandparent/parent— I think it’d be fun for Smee to date someone and have to break up with them to go hunt a crocodile lmao in a very “I MUST PROTECT YOU FROM THIS DARK WORLD” way lmao. Just think it would be dramatic but also kind of funny. Would love to draw some more people into the poaching world as he has done it before :) And idk give Squeaky the life of her dreams, my best dog

Write at least one resolution IN CHARACTER for your characters. What do THEY want to accomplish or change in the New Year?

Phineas: Finish making his app with Kim! Get an acapella solo! Get Build a Brand on the New York Stock Exchange! (Kidding but maybe just develop that and get some clients). Figure out his love life lmfao. Be legendary :)

Tiana: Keep Tiana’s Place open. Maybe attract some press attention! Support her friends. Create a delicious recipe that Seb can eat. Maybe meet someone…? And finally get over Jess :( Find a way to save Aurora!

Aquata: Pass her big initiatives and fulfill her campaign promises. Figure out how she feels about her dad dating Simba’s mom (ok she doesn’t reflect on her feelings enough to consciously want to do this but I think somewhere deep down she’s like I need to figure my shit out). Get out of Swynlake Secondary or get Prickly fired or something… but also she does want to make the Outdoors Club successful. Deep down. 

Anna: Finish her dissertation! Help with the Town Hall archive project! Help Evy at work, learn how to drive, get better at cooking, improve her fashion game, read more books… oh yeah and figure out what she wants to do with the rest of her life.

Bruce: Figure his sharky little problem out… like for real for real. It’s not cute anymore.

Anastasia: Get what she wants in this custody dispute with Tom. Gain and maintain control of Southern Isles. Figure out who was behind the Pumpkin Smashing Incident. Bounce back from being cancelled last year. Help Toby with his big Hatter’s story! And maybe find another side hustle girl is struggling on the money front lol.

Tanya: New Year’s Resolutions are for suckers (but uhhh maybe… go to more parties with Mim and help Snow out around the Inn…)

Mirabel: Pass her exams, keep her life on track, go on more dates with Alice :) Figure out what she wants to do with her life lol

Lightning: Get the all clear from Harv so that he can get out of this place lmfao (and… okay, maybe he does really want to figure out what’s broken in his relationship with Cruz and try to fix it… not that he’s admitting to himself anything is broken…)

Smee: Help Hook get his revenge, help Gen find the item she’s searching for, keep his business going strong, and give Squeaky lots of belly rubs <3

List one or more characters you have never interacted with that you would like to do so

Okay so… I THINK I may have technically interacted with everyone in the RP (yay yay go Emma first prize for Emma yayyy) but here are some characters I know I have BARELY interacted with that I’d like to do more with.

Ting-Ting Qin: Can’t believe Ting-Ting is on this list again. I literally love her so much. Technically, I have interacted with Ting-Ting twice, once with Phineas when she was stuck in Mei’s body and the other time with Tanya on Christmas. I definitely think I could do something with both characters, the former because Phineas did cause so much drama in the Qin family earlier this year lol and is still friends with Mei, and the latter because Tanya just sent the Qins cookies and idk maybe running into one of them would be fun.

Flynn Rider: I think I may have had Anna interact with him once, but I’d really love to throw Bruce at him in light of the Holley situation lol. I’m not sure how much he knows the story there but I just think that with Bruce knowing Holley there could be something there.

Kristoff Bjorgman: Technically Tiana did a cooking lesson with him way back when and he had to go to the emergency room. I think that’s about it lol. But I love him!!! I’m sure there are all kinds of firefighter shenanigans I can use, or maybe something with his troll connections re: Smee!

Talk a bit about your plotting style – what plots are you most drawn to? Do you prefer to come with a fully-formed idea and plot off that, or throw stuff at the wall and see what sticks?

In terms of plots I’m drawn to, I’m very open to lots of different things! In general, I think I tend to gravitate toward the lighthearted and humorous, but with an emotional core if that makes sense. Basically, I think a lot of my plots tend to resemble a sitcom episode, lol. But that’s just the plots I tend to come up with— I’m generally down to write any genre, and I always like trying new things. The only thing I won’t do is smut— but I’m definitely open to exploring relationships of that nature, as long as we use the fade-to-black moments :) I love plots that drive character growth, that teach characters lessons, and that complicate relationships. But I also enjoy plots that are just silly and fun to write… my favorite are a combination of both of those things!

I think I’m probably more of a “throw stuff at the wall” person when it comes to plotting with new muns/characters and more of a “fully formed idea” person when I have a better sense of what we’re working with. Like sometimes I have an idea that I need to fit some characters into, and then I approach those people! Other times, I’m just looking to feel out the vibes and find a way to throw two characters together. But that is also sooo flexible. The one thing I will say is idk if I’m a big hc person before the characters have interacted… like of course if there’s a family connection or if we’re plotting an existing backstory (friends/exes/coworkers/etc) I definitely want to talk that through. But I get really excited to get RPing, and I kind of like to let the hc stuff come up as we write! So if it seems like I’m not like coming up with a lot of great stuff ahead of time I promise it��s not that I’m not excited, it’s just that my brain needs some time to like warm up lol. And I am always receptive to ur head canons and excited to hear them… I’m just not always the best at coming up with them myself before we’ve felt out the chemistry ya feel.

But that being said… always feel free to come to me no matter how developed or nebulous your idea is! If you have a goal and you don’t know how to get there, I love the brainstorming process and I’m always down to figure out how we can make it happen <3 

Talk a bit about character relationships – what relationship are you most drawn to? How do you prefer to approach shipping (if at all!)? What, specifically, are you looking for right now for your character relationships? 

Like a lot of us, I really love friendships and family relationships. I like chill ones, sweet friends and happy families, but I also really love complicated weird hard stuff. I’m fascinated by miscommunication and resentment and judgment and power imbalances and how characters’ flaws impact the way they relate to one another. I think sometimes I hesitate to jump into this stuff right away because I definitely don’t want to make anyone uncomf or ruin anything for people, but if you’re down for that kind of stuff, always come hit me up. I really enjoy when my character gets to be the bad guy in interpersonal conflict even if they mean well and especially if they can learn something from it.

On that note, I enjoy enemies! Some of my characters have more of ‘em than others but I love ‘em all! I like when two characters simply don’t vibe, I like when they have ideological differences, I like when they used to be friends/partners but something caused a rift, I like when they have a deep tragic dramatic 200kslowburn reason for despising each other. Love it all. It’s no secret that one of my favorite dynamics of all time is the reluctant team-up: I do this over and over and over again lmao. Just love getting two characters who don’t like each other forced into a situation together with a common goal. Something about it idk lmaoooo. Maybe this is the Libra in me but I just like conflicts where nobody is right and also everyone is right and it’s complicated. 

As for shipping, I enjoy it! I am all about the canon ship, the hypothetical ship, the crackship, the AU ship, the short term ship, the slowburn ship, the ship that could be a ship but probably is just a friendship, all of it. I usually tend to write more short-term relationships and stuff with an end plotted out than “endgame” ships, but I’m open to both. Either way, I do like to feel out the chemistry before jumping into things.

I do want to improve my communication when it comes to shipping. Like many of us, I get shy lol (and afraid of coming off like I’m pressuring people) but I promise I’ll never take it personally if I pitch something and you’re not into it. We’ll just workshop until we have a direction that works for both of us! I also want to improve this because I really enjoy conflict in my relationships (this includes romantic ones) but I can hesitate with initiating it when it’s someone I haven’t shipped with before and I’m not sure if the other person is on the same page. So I want to get better at communicating so we can be on the same page and jump into all those juicy plots!

Talk about your dash reply style and your Discord reply style! (And if applicable, also your doc reply style). What do you like about each type of interaction? What is something you feel is difficult? 

I try to do some dash replies every day if I can! I usually post stuff right away, but I’ll sometimes queue if I know I have a busy week/weekend coming up or if I’ve gotten a LOT of replies on a character at once and I want to space them out. Usually I’ll indicate in #ooc-updates if I plan on queueing for IRL reasons. I like dash because it’s easy to keep track of, and I feel like it lets me take my time with replies and be very intentional about them. Time to marinate on ‘em, ya feel?

I like Discord and docs for time-sensitive stuff that I want to bang out quickly. I have a harder time with long-term Discord and doc stuff because I’m less likely to put it on my tracker and it can slip past me. So if it’s been a few days on something, always feel free to poke me :) I also like Discord stuff for quick back-and-forth stuff for relationship development or simply because I’m bored and want to RP <3 

In general, though, I’m very flexible! I lean more toward dash, but if other formats are easier for you for whatever reason for a given thread, just let me know and I’ll go with the flow.=

Plotting Exercise! Pick one of the resolutions/goals in #3 and plan a rough guideline to how you could accomplish it. Here’s an example.

ANNIE’S RECKONING WITH MOTHERHOOD/HARLYNNE’S DANCE CLASS

ANNIE is chatting with CORA about signing Harlynne up for ballet class, and CORA suggests that since Harlynne is pretty young, she should come to the parent/kid dance class at the gym

At the dance class, ANNIE runs into ELENA (#awkward) who is there with the twins. She tries to make small talk afterward by making some snarky comments about how it wasn’t “real” dance and Elena’s attitude about just getting to spend time with the kids makes her pause.

Still feeling snobby about the dance thing, ANNIE takes Harlynne to the dance showcase at Pride U (along with Rodmilla). She runs into GABRIELLA afterward, who mentions that she also dances at the Court. Rodmilla is scandalized and tells Annie that she really shouldn’t be bringing Harlynne to these dance lessons.

SELF PARA: Annie and Harlynne fight because Harlynne wants to go back to the dance class. Annie reflects on how much influence her mother still has on her as an adult.

After getting billed for legal fees, Annie concocts a scheme to try and borrow money from ELLA. What’s intended to be some kind of shakedown lol turns into a surprisingly deep conversation about their upbringing.

ANNIE goes to a show at the Court one night, talks to JESSICA afterward. It’s awkward, but maybe it makes her think.

SELF PARA: ANNIE brings Harlynne back to the dance class.

ANNIE runs into BABETTE at the gym, who’s bringing one of the kids she watches to swim class, and recommends the class.

[sastielsfandom]

Why is it when others vent it's okay and no one says, "They're human," or "They're stressed." But once I vent like it is frustrating that communication isn't great and I'm told things last minute. Immediately, defense for whoever I wish would communicate better. Meanwhile, I'll be lectured and almost got kicked out from miscommunication on someone else's part.

And when I am frustrated with overexplaining a health problem my siblings have, I'm told it's because I know them better. So I have to explain, which yeah, I understand, but it's not my job to explain in explicit detail every single time their issues arise. After a certain point if you don't know, it's not because I know them better, it's your own ignorance. 

And I'm not ever putting any aggression into my frustration when I talk to others, I know better. So I don't understand why people think I'm condemning people or holding it against them. It's frustrating in the moment but I let it go until it arises again.

I'll never hear someone defending my flaws especially with, "they're human," or "they're stressed." People give up on me instantly which is why I can't ever rest, I'm constantly proving myself over and over. And then told I need to rest, but when I do I get attitude. I get comments made about messes or I can't leave things for too long.

Why can't I ever be seen as a human with needs? I don't ask for much because no one allows me. Being offered to help with my glasses and now I'm being told the finances, like I will get my eyes checked myself. I'll pay out of pocket if I have to, but I'm speaking about my issues because they're causing me issues. My eyes have been very sensitive right now but I had to pay for a laptop though, I need it for a lot of things so my glasses had to be pushed back a bit.

I'm just frustrated having to give everyone grace and receiving absolutely none.

[roleplay-abiogenesis2]

I think despite some people’s interpretation, Cyno is perfectly capable of flirting and confessing his feelings for another. I think he would be a bit clumsy and awkward about it but I think he would be oddly confident in confessing his feelings towards another if he knows the feelings are mutual.

I also think he would be kind of blunt? lol just like “I like you” to the other person

//I find myself mostly in line with this interpretation actually. For me and my portrayal, context is extremely important. Who is the person Cyno is confessing to? What is their difference in status? Did Cyno have time to prepare? Is he certain his feelings are returned? All these things are determinant for how my muse may handle something like this.

There are characters who get under his skin or fluster him more than others. The way he would handle falling in love for the Traveler, for example, is vastly different from how he would act if he had feelings for Tighnari. Of all the ships I have entertained, I think Nilou would be the one to fluster him most (due to a headcanon of mine about Cyno having a closeted crush on her since his childhood), as he perceives her to be completely out of his league and not possibly interested in someone like him.

With someone he knows for sure would return his feelings, though? That is where his confidence shines. Cyno is a game player (not in a womanizer sense of course) and knows how to play his cards well. If he's aware someone is interested in him and decides he wishes to reciprocate, there's nothing holding him back. Except one thing: making ready.

This is where our takes might differ, because rather than writing Cyno as a "blunt" confession kind of man, I like to lean in on his more dorky side and natural penchant for the dramatic. My Cyno doesn't like surprises, and prefers to be properly prepared for anything he's about to endeavor. This means that rather than being the type to stutter and fumble in a confession, he might hesitate and put off the moment he'll confess a few times. This is because he wants to make sure he has the right words all picked and decked in his mind like cards to be played on the board. He wants his love interest to know exactly how he feels, and won't leave anything up to interpretation.

The result might at times be that he overdoes it, maybe even overexplains his feelings, just like with his bad jokes. He's a man of authority and a preacher, used to giving speeches, orders, and interrogation. For as many confessions as he's received from guilty criminals in his life, none of them could have possibly trained him in the delicate art of romance.

I could see him borrow inspiration from a scene found in King of Invokations, for better or worse.

Saru-mun\\

[foolofswords]

Yellow car

If I see one before we enter your street,

It means I'm leaving tonight

Yellow car

There's still none

But if I see one, I swear tonight is the night.

Yellow car

I'm starting to feel anxious I see no

Yellow car

Am I realizing I just want a sign, I just want permission

A Yellow car.

There's one. There's another one.

I ask for a green car, cause there's no way

The green light becomes so fluorescent all of a sudden.

Green car.

Then, a green and yellow car.

Whoever hears me asking for a sign is now shouting in my head to pack my stuff and go.

There it is, my sign.

I am completely silent, staring outside, while you're driving next to me.

You have no idea because today is just another day. Today we woke up and hugged, laughed and fighted, argued then smiled, sat in silence again. Just a normal day. Light when you're tender, heavy when I surrender. I'm tired and start to feel like a pretender.

I ought to keep my eyes and mouth shut when I kiss you, helps me forget the fights, helps me forget the night, helps me rewrite what we are.

I swear I love you with all my heart, but why do I have to keep you and the way you treat me secret to stay? Everytime I talk about how it is, how it is really, there's this sad feeling emerging, the need to overexplain, the urge to bury my tears, cause this can't be the romance I wanted.

Sorry

Sorry with all my heart. It could be me, could be you. We both have issues my dear, but is love still love if there's this shared misery?

I have planned an escape many times.

I have mourned many times, and still kissed you goodnight, with the purest intentions I had.

Now I have gathered my strength, and I swear tonight is the night. It's perfect but it's cruel because you won't be there. I can disappear, pack my stuff and prevent myself from holding back.

There's a part of me that wants to stay, loves the high, loves your eyes when you're mad or sad, loves your touch when we're lying side by side.

Still I know this is the best decision. I know it when I'm sober and when I'm drunk, I know it when you criticize what I am or love, I know it when I do this mental gymnastics to forget everytime I feel hurt.

Next week there's this party that made you so anxious because my ex would be there. You didn't wanna come, didn't wanna not come. I'm just now realizing that if you were to finally show up, I'll have two exes at the party.

[fictionkinfessions]

Stop demonizing my sister for making sure the traveler didnt get themselves fucking killed.

Sure it wasnt the /best/ way to go about it, but traveler is so clearly not thinking through that whole scene that there was no better options.

Tell me travelers, did you really think you could waltz up to the Raiden Shogun for a casual chat then walk away? Did you genuinely think you could do that? Especially considering you'd basically have to fight through the entire shogunate to even GET to Raiden.

Did you all forget that traveler almost died WITH all of Inazuma behind them? Traveler wouldve died in seconds if Ayaka didnt step in.

Her words were not being listened to because traveler was frantic. So close yet so far from their sibling, obviously they wanted to try to speedrun when their sibling had already told them to.. Not do that. In the previous quest. She had to do SOMETHING or the game wouldve fucking ended right there.

But honestly youre gonna tell me Ayaka essentially saying "hey before you make up your mind can you talk to these people?" Is high teir manipulation and guilt tripping? That her forcing traveler to take a step back and think about how they approach Inazuma is irredeemable?

Look look I also kin Aether. I get it. I get being angry cause YES we just wanted to find our sibling. But for fucks sake think rationally for two seconds. Ayaka saved the travelers god damn life, even if it didnt even seem like it. Theres no outcome that involves not speaking with Ayaka AND leaving Inazuma alive. There just straight isnt.

Im not trying to say we should praise her or anything, shes flawed like everyone else.

But so many people blow that scene out of proportion on AYAKAS SIDE, when Traveler was the big asshole through that scene. (Ofc due to being tired and frantic over the previous Dain quest, so I do not hold that against them either btw)

Just.

God fuck I swear people have no reading comprehension sometimes. I get our source is released slowly as all hell and people eat up all the new content in a single day, but if anyone could start to actually look at the story how its SUPPOSED to be seen (i.e. no several month gaps between the story additions), so many of these problems wouldnt exist. (Seriously, my brother, who began playing after Inazuma began, DOESNT SEE WHY everyone hates the starting quests so much. Because he played it all only days apart. While everyone who is angry played it months apart.)

So many people looked at the start of Inazuma and just forgot that traveler had just seen their sibling for the first time in MONTHS like.. Barely a week before that piece of the story. Traveler was NOT thinking rationally in that moment. They werent until Ayaka sent them on that little fetch quest. Because SOMEONE had to make them take a step back and learn about Inazuma before they went and killed themselves.

Making sure a frantic person doesnt put themselves in harms way is NOT a valid reason to demonize someone. And Im tired of seeing people say my sister is iredeemable for doing just that.

~Kamisato Ayato 🕯️♟

(Really this is hardly even a kinfession, everything pointed at here is stuff Ive been angry at the fandom about since the quest released. Its just put in a new light with this kin I guess... Also this wasnt supposed to be this long OOPS, cant stop myself from overexplaining)

[hangrypa]

s/p first year as a PA

I was hired as a hospitalist primarily for the transplant service. However, in the setting of the pandemic and staffing shortages, I am all over the place now and work in almost everything non-pediatric and non-surgical. 

In my first few months as a PA, I was incredibly overwhelmed. I went from being a learner who switches specialties every month to a fully-fledged provider making life-or-death decisions on an hourly basis. Oftentimes I’d find myself in the room of a patient actively crumping, surrounded by the patient’s family and multiple nurses awaiting instructions on what to do to save the patient. I thought that I faced a lot of pressure in school, but it was nothing compared to this. 

And just when I started to get a hang of it all, the pandemic hit. What a nightmare. As mentioned above, I was hired to work with with transplant patients. Prior to the pandemic, my transplant colleagues and I were masking and gowning for almost every patient: 1 surgical mask and 1 gown per patient and per patient encounter. But once COVID hit, we were rationing PPE. 1 N95, 1 pair of goggles, and 1 face shield for the pandemic. 1 surgical mask per week, and 1 gown only if a patient had Cdiff or a history of MDRO bacteremia.

What did the pandemic mean for our transplant patients? 

Our patients are on immunosuppressant medications to prevent transplant rejection. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult for them to fight infections. 

Our department did what it could to prevent COVID. We'd test patients on admission for COVID, regardless of symptoms or exposure history. If they were positive, they went to the COVID team and quarantined on their unit for a period of time and had to test negative before returning to our unit and being transplanted. We took many other measures to reduce COVID risk to the best of our ability. 

People still died. To see someone get transplanted successfully and then die of a virus is horrifying. Unfortunately, despite our admission tests, sometimes patients contracted COVID within the hospital. Patients would be happily FaceTiming their family one moment, telling them all of their plans for once they were discharged- then the next day they'd be intubated. We tried Remdesivir, Dexamethasone, prone positioning, etc. But the virus moved through them quickly, and these efforts often were too late. No amount of hoping and praying brought them back. 

As a first year PA, I learned to go to an empty conference room, close the door, and remove my mask before calling to the family of the deceased. This way, as they gathered around the phone in their homes, the family could hear me unmuffled as I delivered the news. Also, this way my tears didn't ruin my mask for the rest of the week. 

I learned a lot this year. It's been a mixture of crying and laughing. There are times that I question why I ever became a PA, and then there are times when this career feels like home. In addition to transplant, I’ve also been working in the  ED, IMC, ICU, inpatient hospice, clinic, and infusion center these past 6 months. I’ve learned quite a lot along the way.

Lessons learned as a first year PA:

1. Check your pager hourly: This is in addition to checking it whenever you get paged. Sometimes I’ll get paged while I’m rounding, read it, and then forget about it. Now I go through my pager at every hour to ensure that I already responded to all my pages and then answer ones that I missed/forgot.  On a semi-related note, a while back I wrote about good paging etiquette.

2. Let people know when you're out: I work a rotating schedule. As a result, it’s hard to predict when I’m in or out of the hospital. Sometimes I’ll come back on service and find urgent emails or texts that are a few days old. Now I leave an away message with my return date and my supervisor’s contact information on both email and hospital text. If someone really needs to get a hold of me, my supervisor has my personal cell phone number.

3. Be conscientious of what time you consult: I generally try to get all of my nonurgent consults done before 3pm. Many services have only 1 resident covering after 3pm, so I try not to page/call unless I have an emergency. 

4. Call the nurse if something needs to be done urgently: Being a nurse means being the ultimate multitasker. Room 5 is due for his IV Amphotericin, Room 2's Foley is supposed to come out prior to void trial with Urology, Room 1's infusion completed and is beeping, and Room 4 is a bit altered and yanked out her PICC. Now I’m placing an order for Room 3 to get IV Lasix due to concern for pulmonary edema. However, the nurse may be preoccupied with Room 4 and not see the order in the computer for some time. If I really need to the patient to get the Lasix right way, I’ll place the order through EMR and then call the nurse and see what their situation is. If they’re crazy busy with Room 4 and likely to be unable to get to the Lasix within the next 15min, I ask whether they’re okay with me asking another nurse to give the Lasix now. Usually the answer is yes.

5. Value your nurses: Nurses know the patient best. They’re the ones answering call bells, giving meds, doing dressing changes, etc. Unfortunately they oftentimes bear the brunt of everyone’s frustrations, from patients to patients’ families to attendings to managers. Not to mention, they’re the ones doing the dirty work. Bedside nurses are the heartbeat of healthcare, but they also are high risk for burnout. Always support your nurses, whether that’s volunteering to answer a patient’s family member’s 17th phone call of the day or responding to a patient’s call bell yourself. 

6. Know how to get a hold of someone quickly: It’s less than ideal to page someone repeatedly. At my hospital, if I need to talk to an attending urgently, I call the operator and ask them to connect me directly to the attending’s cell phone. If a patient is crashing and we’re not in the ICU, I dial the emergency number and call a rapid response, which sends people running into my patient’s room. 

7. Plan your discharge meds from Day 1: The goal of every admission is to treat the patient and then discharge them safely. Send medications early for prior auth and call the pharmacy to make sure that they have medications in stock. (One time a patient’s insurance didn’t cover Levofloxacin, of all things.) 

8. Keep social work and care coordination aware of all needs from the start: Does your patient looks unsteady? Place a PT/OT consult and let social work and care coordination know that the patient might require home therapy services and/or DME so that they can start looking at services and companies that may be covered by insurance. Does your patient have a central line? They’ll likely need a home health service to teach them how to care for it daily at home. Do they seem to require frequent transfusions? They’ll probably need labs on discharge. Is the patient’s living situation safe (no heat/AC, possible abuse at home, financial difficulties, etc)? They may need alternative housing.

9. The attending is not always right: Generally speaking, the attending has the last say on how the team manages a patient. However, I’ve come across situations in which an attending’s decision put a patient in more danger. Sometimes asking them about their decision can help steer the care plan toward better patient care. Other times you just have to stand your ground and be okay with being on the receiving end of an attending’s misdirected rant. Report these instances to your manager and to other higher-ups.

10. Always have gloves in your pocket: You never know when you’ll find a mess. Or which part of the body someone asks you to examine. Or how hygienic a person is (or is not).

11. Verify weird vitals: I was very new when I walked into work, opened a patient’s chart, and promptly bolted down the hallway when I saw a patient’s O2 sats recorded as 15-20s. I found the patient sitting up in bed, eating breakfast, and bewildered by me bursting into the room. Turns out that overnight someone mistakenly recorded his respirations as the O2 sats.

12. Remove whatever tubes you can: Anything entering the body is an infection risk. Does your patient still need that Foley placed by the surgery team? No? Yank it (don’t actually yank because ouch). Is your patient A&O and able to eat without aspirating? Remove the NG tube. Does your patient have good veins and require infrequent transfusions/labwork? Pull their central line.

13. Take a buddy with you to emergencies: Two heads are better than one. Even if you’re a seasoned provider and well-equipped to manage an emergency, you might need another body to help with performing CPR, making urgent calls, grabbing supplies, etc. 

14. Ask your patients about premeds for procedures: We all have different levels of pain tolerance. A procedure goes far more smoothly if your patient is comfortable. Note: if you’re going to premed with Ativan or an opiate in the outpatient setting, make sure they have a driver.

15. Be good to your charge nurse and unit secretary: I don’t know how they do it. If I had to manage the unit’s signout, patient complaints, calls from other floor, being yelled at by providers, verifying paper orders, and finding beds for incoming patients- all at the same time - I’d lose my mind. 

16. If your patient is mad, just shut up and listen: There are many things that you can’t control: the time it takes for a patient to get a room, the temperature of hospital food, the dismissive attitude of your attending, etc. And oftentimes the patient knows this. My reflex is to want to apologize for things and overexplain why different things are happening. But sometimes the patient just needs to rant. Take a step back and just listen. That can make all the difference.

17. Fact check your notes: The framework for your progress note often is the note from the day prior. It sounds obvious, but make sure that you go through the note and make updates and changes accordingly. If today is 01/15, there’s a good chance that the Fungitell from 12/31 is not still pending. 

18. Try to learn some nursing skills: This is one of the areas in which I most envy my NP colleagues. If a patient’s IV pump is beeping or their central line need to be flushed, I oftentimes awkwardly step out of the room and look vacantly into the distance for a nurse. I’ve finally figured out how to spike a bag (albeit I do so very slowly, and it certainly makes the RNs giggle some). I talked to our unit’s nurse manager, and she’s willing for me to learn some nursing skills from the staff during a slow day- we’ll see when thing slow down!

19. Be kind: Generally speaking, being in a hospital is stressful. Patients are feeling out of sorts, and staff are working with constant dinging in the background. I rant plenty on this website, but I’m kind to everyone at work (with few exceptions) because it makes things more comfortable for everyone. Additionally, if you are always kind to your patients and colleagues, your reputation will speak for itself. One time I was walking down a hall with poor reception while on my ASCOM with a notoriously standoffish nurse from another unit. My phone cut out. She called my unit’s nurse manager to complain, and the nurse manager told her that I would never hang up on purpose. My interactions with the nurse going forward were always more pleasant in nature.

20. Support your team: The best colleagues are not the smartest colleagues; the best coworkers are the ones who have your back. Whether it’s a medical emergency or just a strange situation, it’s important to be supported and to give support.

I know that I’ve learned a lot more than this, so I’ll likely be adding to this throughout the year. Happy Snow Day, all!

[torinofushi]

So typically I don't write down my opinions to things because I wish to keep my analytical thoughts to myself....however I feel compelled to comment on Yashahime.

Now I grew up with Inuyasha and it was a cornerstone of anime, like it was to many people, growing up. Though to be fair it had some issues of its own....the amount of filler episodes and flashbacks were a bit on the heavy side, but it also had characters that we wanted to know more of. To this day Inuyasha himself has always had a special place in my heart because of how complex he is emotionally.

Now as an adult and a writer...we had Yashahime. Where when I saw the first title card I wanted to know who the children's parents were. I honestly thought at first Towa and Moroha were InuKag daughters and Setsuna may have been a Miroku/Sango or hell even Kohaku daughter........ thaaaaat wasn't the case.

To where will get to the elephant in a room here in a moment but some thoughts on the girls themselves.

Towa: She does in her earnest seem to be a sweet character, however muddled a bit where at first she is this rough and tough "human" that can't stick to schools and then suddenly mellows out when she finds her sister? She didn't even super respond to the fact she's half demon....like I would have thought she'd be more shocked since in her new home there are no demons. She just seems a little too focused on her sister....to the point her own character writing seems diminished to me, but she has potential! First episode where she is talking about keeping the future secret was a cool angle......then idea gets scrapped with her handing out candy and whipping out her smart phone??

Setsuna: I am a bit more intrigued by her because she does have some mystery, but more importantly she has her own character and personality compared to her sister. She actually has had some development which feels minimal at 15 episodes in for the series right now. She seems to have traits of her father where I can hardly see any of that with her sister, but she genuinely grows and adapts to caring about Moroha and Towa.

Moroha: I will admit I've stayed this long watching it solely because of this child. She has both her parents traits, I love it when she talks like her father once did. She's something entirely new, I don't think we ever had a quarter demon in the original series. However I HATE how they use her like an exposition bomb. I HATE they don't show all of her emotions! Hell she doesn't even show sadness in not knowing her parents after meeting her uncle or realizing that her two new friends are actually her cousins?! She's focused on the bounties which we still don't know why completely, but we do know why she was separated from her parents now. I wish they'd make her the focus more than the twins because yes the twins are older, let's face it Moroha is keeping the fans in. I think she has great potential and her and Setsuna are by far the most interesting to me...

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.......SESSRIN

Okay so folks won't lie when I was a wee weeb with the original series I thought that when Rin was grown up (18-20 because in the US thats the fictitious maturity cutoff) she would fall for Sesshomaru as Izayoi did for InuTaisho/Toga. That was when I was younger and thought honestly more likely than that Rin would become an ally to Sesshomaru or perhaps the one to soften his heart and he found a DIFFERENT lady love that was human because of Rin's past kindness. That didn't happen.

Everyone on the internet is commenting and doing math in regards to Rin being the twins mother to which as an almost 30 year old woman I got some thoughts here.

1) With the math, previously the internet said she would be 11 with Inuyasha Final act....however because of people frantically editing I don't know if this is at the beginning or END of Inuyasha where there was a 3 year time skip. So I will give her a range of possibly being 11-13 at the end. Now fast forward to Yashahime episode 15 and she's having twins...Sango's son Hisui is who we are using as a yard stick to the passage of time. I thought he looked young maybe 2-3 however according to his wiki he's 4 years older to the Yashahime girls. So with wiki number it would make Rin 15-18 when she had the twins........

2) People this is a lose lose situation writing wise because if they show her childlike infatuation with Sesshomaru never stopped before she had these girls then that's grooming/groomed behavior or even victim blaming.  If they show Sesshomaru showing interest with her in that sense as she got older that's pedophilia. Yes, I know this was back in Japanese feudal era where it was common to marry at 16-25, yes I know that my culture has its own perspective on predatory behavior and these are two individuals that aren't American or even human, and yes I know that this development hasn't even been fully explained in the series but gods the writing has been atrocious so far and I doubt this will save them.

3) the original series has Kagome age 15 have to deal with propositions and proposals and such where she, as a catalyst for the audience with views closer to our own than a feudal Japanese citizen, was appalled and typically played for laughs. Here in Yashahime they actually DID THAT. Which I don't blame people for being wigged out and disgusted...like what the.... the show itself had a tendency to overexplain EVERYTHING but can't explain the dynamics or progression of what the hell happened here? Because from our/audience perspective it's basically written as "Well she's having kids now." Even Sango, Kagome, and Kaede aren't reacting to anything with this.....not when they had news she was giving birth, not when Sesshomaru shows up, or hell TAKING the girls?!?! The hell is going on???

In short to this rant, Yashahime I think your writing has you in a chokehold. You keep going from explain things only for the audience to know to explain things only for the girls would know which is confusing what your goal/pacing is. Either trust your audience or go full hold our hands, make up your mind. You go into retcons and writing new backstory to important items for the sake of the plot....its a mess.

Old characters used for publicity rather than letting the new characters capture the audience. Honestly if you rearranged your episodes it would have seem more authentic though again good luck with that elephant in the room, its going to turn many fans away.

I don't know guys. I'm not too hopeful they can save themselves at this point. Thanks for reading.

[docholligay]

Doc Loves His Dark Materials

If I were going to regret anything about HDM, it would be that I wasn’t in high school until I read it. If I read it when I was a child, I would have been full-tilt obsessed with it. It was precisely the sort of thing I was always looking for and could never find. 

There are a great many YA books that delve into the realm of fantasy, but few of them that inhabit such a fully realized world. Lyra’s world, as it is set up, immediately takes you in, and it manages to almost have an air of urban fantasy, a world that is clearly different from ours, but not so different that it requires a lot of jargon or that it becomes difficult to understand. It is our world, but only off a few clicks. 

Daemons are my favorite “personality sorter” of any of the YA books that have them, which is many, because everyone loves to put themselves into boxes while claiming labels are stifling. I also rarely see much discussion about daemons, and I assume this because it’s much more difficult than one’s Hogwarts house or anything like that. Your daemon’s form is intrinsically tied to who you are at your core, and Pullman is utterly unconcerned with overexplaining how they work, and how they are chosen for you, outside of that. 

Lyra Belacqua is a fantastic main character in that she has true flaws which are immediately apparent to the reader. It is not that she is plain, and put upon by life, she is not some brooding orphan looking to find herself. She is spoilt, and impetuous, and willfully ignores all the privileges of her life. She is a willful and skilled liar, and there’s a great deal about Lyra that’s not particularly likeable at all, and yet for all that, she feels more fully realized. She is a girl who must come into herself. 

And all of this, of course, ties back into the fact that Pullman does not treat his young readers as if they were incapable of handling deeper themes and ideas, or that they can’t read. The narration is often lyrical in quality, the title of the series is cribbed directly from Paradise Lost, and from time to time the book itself quotes poetry. It believes that young readers are capable of higher things. The concepts of grey morality, of desperation, of sacrifice. His Dark Materials is not afraid to question the very wisdom and usefulness of God. 

To this end, as I referenced above, Pullman does not feel the need to drill things down to the exact point. It’s actually a lot closer to adult books in this way, that it expects that young readers are also capable of drawing their own conclusions and coming to their own ends. Every time I thought it was going to put too fine a point on something, it would stop, right there. 

That is not to say it’s a perfect series, as nothing in life is perfect, and occasionally I roll my eyes at Pullman’s preachiness, but it’s few and far between. Most of the series is a deeply textured, complicated children’s series about maturity, heaven, the difficulties of one’s parents, and also there are witches. 

Spoilery below the cut

This is one of my favorite YA series of all time, and might be my favorite if we break it into age groups, being as A Series of Unfortunate Events is clearly meant for a much younger audience. Northern Lights/The Golden Compass (spicy take! The Golden Compass is a better title than the original! It fits with the pattern of The Subtle Knife and the Amber Spyglass, and also with the overarching Series Title of His Dark Materials. Why are you booing me, I’m right.) 

I think all YA series want to make their characters’ flaws into eventual strengths, but I don’t think any (that i’ve read) do it quite so well. Lyra’s stubbornness and lying, storytelling, save her ass more than once in a way that doesn’t seem coerced or cheap. I love that eventually she learns how to be less of a liar, and more of a storyteller. That her life can be as interesting as the falsehoods she used to tell, it feels very much like my own experience of becoming and adult and discovering that I had plenty of interesting things to say without telling a lie. 

Lee Scoresby is my favorite character of all of them, and I adore him, and his arc is so good, so entrenched with that classic Western sense of just wanting not to be involved, and being unable to stop yourself from getting involved. I was, of course, sad when he died, but there was literally no more fitting end for Lee than what ended up happening, that sense of sacrifice and willingness to die for the sort of idea that a person can hold, that utter loyalty. I still haven’t watched the HBO version partially because I’m not sure I can fucking handle him being played by Lin Manuel Fucking Miranda. Who also played ~the cockney lamplighter~ in the new Mary Poppins because I’m not allowed to enjoy anything. 

People are often surprised that I love HDM because it’s intensely anti-religion, and indeed, there are a handful of times that Pullman’s edgy atheist act annoys me. But in fairness, it’s MOSTLY not my religion taking the punishment, in that Pullman, like most Culturally Christian Athiests, assumes all “abrahamic” religions are the same, despite all three of them (or four, if you count protestant as its own thing) being vastly fucking different in approach and belief. So, really, I don’t get hit that much. But also rather than JUST being like “RELIGION MAKES YOU NAUGHTY” which is about as deep as it goes in The Golden Compass, it ends up taking the tack that God is nothing but a powerless old man who WANTS to die, who is being held up only by those who wish to bring war and strife. What a concept! Amazing! Not where I expected it to go at all. 

Also the fucking courage to show dissolving into the world as being preferable to some form of eternal life? FUCK ME. I was so absolutely struck by that, as a religious person who, probably 70% of the time, really can’t deal with the concept of an afterlife. It seems so overwhelming to me. I thought the whole thing was done beautifully. 

And its not as if he doesn’t punish both the religious and not alike--despite everything, Mrs. Coulter and Lord Asriel both end up hurling through the abyss because neither of them could every really move from their positions. In bringing down the Voice of God, they also must destroy themselves, built around this idea of upholding god and destroying god in equal measure, they cannot stand without him. I mean shit! You’re not gonna see that in Harry Fucking Potter, which built up the necessity of a hero’s sacrifice only to pull it out of the ass. 

The way that Lyra’s parents are both villain and hero, at turns, and how you come around to be like, ‘Wow, you are both assholes” even though they are on opposite sides, is remarkable. How many times how you read YA and it’s been like “oh my long lost and/or dead parent is wonderful!! How I love/miss them!!”? HDM does not fuck around with parents. Lyra’s parents are enemies and completely corrupt weirdos, Will’s mother needs him to take care of her in a way that is NOT made cute, and his father just fucking fucks off and dies the minute Will meets him. It’s a thing I didn’t realize I saw so little of in YA until I saw it here. 

I completely expected, braced for, and readied myself for Will and Lyra to end up together, and I was so fucking pleased that they don’t. It’s refreshing to be proven wrong, to have an author not decide that the boy and girl need to get together at the end of it. And it’s remarkably low drama.

[thedistrictsleepsalonetonight]

Better with you

This is the way of things:  

Riley falls in love with Harper. Harper breaks her heart. Harper falls in love with Abby. Harper marries Abby. Abby has a friend. Riley falls in love.

In retrospect it both annoys and amazes her how Harper conditions so much of her life. If she imagined her life in the form of roads as complex, as confused and as diverging as the lines on her palm, there are probably multiple signboards that have Harper’s face on them, with some strange quote written beside them along the lines of “Hey! Been a while since you thought of me, the girl who ruined most of your life hasn’t it?”.  

Riley hates it.

Okay, so in all honesty, she hates it until she crashes into Maya.

*****

Here’s the thing about Riley: She’s stupid around the people she loves.

How else does one explain all her major life decisions? She stays quiet when Austin Thomas spray-paints “Dike” all over her locker (even through the shaking, and the trembling and the huddling in a bathroom cubicle in the morning, what has her more concerned is what it’s probably doing to Harper. Well, that, and the fact that dyke is hilariously misspelled). She watches Harper from across the corridor, biting her lip, holding onto her left arm with her right hand, and hates that she still wants her so badly that she can’t breathe. She hates herself for loving Harper, hates her heart for betraying her in this very fundamental way, hates it for not being able to think rationally enough.

(The thought makes her laugh. What brand of love was ever rational?)

Even after she’s adequately moved on, has fallen in love a second time, the third, the fourth, she can never really bring herself to do that. The thought of Harper will evoke all forms of insufferable feelings ranging from sorrow to nostalgia. Not fury, though. Never fury.

She walks out of high school with excellent grades, graduates med school top of her class, gets into the one of the best residency programs in her state, all in a misguided attempt to compensate for this huge cosmic failing she’s somehow been saddled with. If life handed out academic report cards, chits of paper with affirmations engraved on them, then the ones she would give her parents would read Your child is doing great; She’s sorry she’s gay. Your child is trying her very best. A tiny PS at the bottom right corner would say – Love her. Please.

And she comes back, every year, to those stupid White Elephant parties, combats side-glances with polite smiles, off-hand comments about how her peers are heterosexually married to their heterosexual partners with grimaces. Brevity helps, and so does a glass of wine on her at all times.

And then Harper brings Abby, one Christmas.

*****

She’s not going to deny that she has a little bit of a crush on Abby.

Come on. It’s Abby. She’s a lesbian dreamboat with some serious hair-game and the gayest sense of dressing she’s ever seen on anyone. How is a girl supposed to not like that earnest smile and deep, soulful eyes?

(But Abby’s earnest smile unfurls like a ribbon when it falls on Harper, and her eyes tell stories that seem to end at Harper, and Riley knows that in some rudimentary way, Abby has always, and will be always belong to her girlfriend.)

“Dude, we have to stay in touch,” Abby says, the morning after the party, when they run into each other. “I’m gonna need support at the White Christmas party next year. So, I don’t accidentally use the wrong fork and then embarrass myself.”

She laughs, enters her number into Abby’s phone. “I can’t promise I’ll be able to text all the time, because, well — hospital hours. But I will try.”

Harper, standing beside Abby, shoots her a tiny, strained smile. Things will never be great between them; there’s too much spilled blood, and angry tears that lie in this chasm, but this is maybe a tiny start to bring matters back to the way they were when it all started. Polite. Nice.  

Abby texts her — “I can’t believe I survived the Caldwells” five days later, and Riley has no idea at the time, but good things are on their way.

*****

“Please, please, please, please, pleeeeease,” Abby begs her over the phone. Riley is pretty sure she’s actually holding her hand out in supplication.

“Can’t you just give her flowers and chocolate like a normal person?”

A dog barks on the other end, and Riley imagines her walking dogs on the streets. “But I know this is something she really, really wants!”

“An obsolete book that’s only found in a bookstore in New York?”

“Yes!” Abby replies. “Wait, hang on. John, tell her how important it is.”

Some muffled noises, then John’s clear, deadpan voice is audible. “Hey Riley,” he says, sounding disinterested as always, “How are — wait, lemme at least ask her how she’s been, how life in New York has been, if there are any cute guys in her hospital—”

Riley stifles a laugh.

“—yeah, yeah, okay. Fine. Riley, this woman really wants it, God knows why. So I’ll be in New York this weekend. I’ll come with you to that store and then bring that book back.”

“So why do I have to come?”

“Because,” Abby sighs, like it should be obvious, “I don’t trust John.”

Weekend. Sleeping in. Riley closes her eyes, whispers a Rest in peace to a previously perfect weekend.  

“Fine, I’ll do it.”

*****

The woman nearly scares her out of her wits.

She’s split up with a still-woozy-from-his-flight John as he’s set off to find the book, and thumbing through the random paperbacks on the Fiction shelf, when a voice interrupts her musing.

“I wouldn’t recommend that one,” Riley hears, and whirls around, wide-eyed.

A woman steps out of the dark corner, hands held up as if in warning, an apologetic smile on her face. “I’m sorry,” she says, awkwardly, “that I — I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Riley shakes her head, waves a hand to tell her it’s alright. “What’s wrong with it?”

“Oh, you know, the usual. Pretentious. Definitely sat with a thesaurus. Too many men.”

The tiny detective that sits at the back of head, the one that registers women, and says “It’s elementary, Watson” every time it sees behavior that might be not-heterosexual, goes off with a ding.

“Too many men is a problem,” she admits, wryly, broadcasting her own message in case there was a willing audience. I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay. “What would you suggest?”

The woman steps into the light, slow enough so Riley knows she’s going to enter her personal space. She picks out a book from the top shelf easily, holds it out in front of her.

This close, Riley can’t help but stare. She’s taller, with dark hair that falls just past her shoulders. She’s wearing thick glasses, and behind that, her eyes are tiny and smiling. Riley smiles back, a little awkwardly. Looks at the book, then laughs.

“Sorry,” the woman chuckles, pointing to the copy of Midnight Sun that she’s just handed over, “Little joke.”

They’re still smiling at each other, when John ruins it all by exclaiming “Maya!” from behind her. And that’s when Riley discovers how easy it is to manufacture meet-cutes. And that she really, really hates Abby Holland.

*****

“How dare you?”

Abby sighs on the other end. “Is that a rhetorical question?”

John, who is currently scarfing down a hotdog, mumbles his apologies into the speaker.  

“I tried.”

“You didn’t even try,” Abby retorts. “What was the one thing I told you? Don’t let her on to the fact that you know Maya. And what did you do?”

“My best.”

Riley snatches it from him. “Don’t you think it’s a little weird of you to be setting up your girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend with your friend?”

(Just saying the whole thing aloud makes her head hurt)

“Harper doesn’t mind,” Harper’s reserved yet slightly amused voice comes, a little muffled. “Because Harper thinks it’s hilarious.”

There had been three rules, three rules that she had laid out for Abby at the very beginning, when their friendship was still in its tentative stages. One, no weird conversations about Harper. Two, no weird medical questions about fingers. And three, no setting Riley up on blind dates.

Riley had dodged Abby’s attempts to break rule number three about five times already.

(Who knew one could have so many single, willing and Sapphic friends in New York city? Part of Riley was annoyed; the other part was impressed)

“It’s not going to happen, you hear me?” she enunciates. “Absolutely not.”

*****

Riley doesn’t know why she’s back at the bookstore.

Well, she does. Officially, that is. As she had told John already, she hated the idea of things being so awkward, and that Maya must’ve felt that she was rude for clamming up after the whole story came to light, and that she definitely ought to go clear things up with her, let her know very politely that it wasn’t in the cards. John had uh-huh-ed and mm-hmm-ed and nodded until she got annoyed at herself for overexplaining. It was simply a courtesy call, that’s all. Nothing more, nothing else.

(If part of the reason she wants to go back is because, after a long, long time, she went to sleep with someone’s face in the back of her mind that night, kept replaying that certain someone’s voice over and over, it is none of John’s business. Or Abby’s, for that matter.)

It was crazy. Crazy. They’d had one conversation, and part of it had been after Riley had found out she was supposed to be set up, and thus had been filled with Maya trying to ease things over. There was no reason she needed to be thinking this much about someone.

(Not that she was. Thinking that much. About a woman. Just a regular amount)

“So wait, let me get this straight,” Maya looks right at her, “You came all this way to tell me that you don’t want to go on a date with me?”

Well now Riley just feels stupid. “Yes.”

Maya tilts her head a little. “Okay,” she says, “Just out of curiosity, what’s your problem with being set up with people?”

Oh, this she can answer. “One, the general awkwardness with your friends if it doesn’t work out,” she ticks off on her fingers. “Two, too much pressure to make it work. Three, I’m not—”

“—yes?”

Lovable. Bearable. Worth it.

“—looking to date?”

“What qualifies as a date to you, though?”

“A meal shared with romantic intent. Holding doors open, pulling chairs out. You know, the drill.”

Maya seems to be mulling it over. “Alright,” she says, nodding slowly. “What if.... what if two people were to spend time together with no food, no holding doors open or pulling chairs out? Technically that wouldn’t be a date, would it?”

Riley has to bite at the inside of her cheek to smother the smile that’s threatening to set up home on her lips.

“No,” she replies, “It wouldn’t.”

*****

This is what not-dating Maya is like.

It’s tired half-hour phone conversations at odd hours of the day. Riley doesn’t have a lot of time free, but she doesn’t go to sleep without talking to her at least once. She falls asleep to Maya nerding out about the books she’s read, about how she wants to own a gay café, about how she saw the ugliest shirt on a discount store window, bought it, and couldn’t wait to put it on. Wakes up to texts that read “Okay I know you fell asleep but I can’t, so I’m just gonna rant about random shit you can read about when you’re up, okay?” followed by some inane discussion on whether her pillow would be a salad or a sandwich if it could be eaten. It’s stumbling on the streets, half-carrying a drunk Maya as she navigates the confusing maze of New York avenues, and insists on having pizza wherever she goes. It’s bright smiles shot across coffee shops, tired rants before bed. It’s easy.  

It’s so easy that Riley has no idea what to do.

“Can you keep a secret?” she asks John on the phone, right before she tells him what’s been happening the past month.

To his credit, he listens to the whole thing before he says something monumentally stupid.

“A whole month and you haven’t had sex? I thought you had game.”

“Oh, fuck off. It’s not like that.”

“You don’t want to have sex with her?”

She’s blushing. “I — I do,” she says, feeling hot all over at the very thought. “I just — it’s not — not what’s important.”

“No, I mean, seriously” he says. “What do you guys even do? Stare at each other’s faces all day?”

“I wish I could stare at her face all day,” she says, before she’s even thinking about it. “Her face is all.... nice. Pretty. Oh God.”

“Oh God is right, darling,” he sounds amused. “You got it bad.”

“I do not — got it bad.”

“You do.”

“I do not — ugh fine.”

“Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that you do got it,” he proposes. “What are you going to do about it?”

Riley takes a deep breath, lets it out. She has no answer to that.

*****

The next day, Maya says, sheepishly — “I guess you finally told Abby, huh?”

“Wait, what?” she’s confused. “Told her what?”

Maya blinks, awkwardly, waves a hand between them. Realization dawns.

“I told John!” Riley tells her, furiously. “That asshole must have told her.”

Maya shrugs a shrug that seems to convey how stupid it was to trust John with keeping secrets from Abby of all people.

“But also,” Riley frowns, “I thought you must have told her already.”

“Nah, I hadn’t.”

“Why not?”

Maya shrugs again, hands in her pockets. “I didn’t know if you wanted her to know.”

And see, it’s this consideration that leaves her lacking for words. Maya is effortlessly considerate, to the point where she wouldn’t say something even if it was bothering her. She’s constantly putting Riley’s needs in front of her own, constantly worried about how she feels and Riley is just. She’s just—

(The word grateful, smitten pops into her head. Refuses to exit)

“You’re nice,” she says, because other adjectives would be too revealing. You’re amazing. You’re beautiful. You’re probably the light of my life.

“I’m only nice to you, Riley,” Maya admits, very frankly. Riley kind of wants to ask her why that is. She’s kind of scared to ask her why that is.

*****

“Just ask her out, already, jeez.”

“I — I can’t,” she tells Abby, sitting at the park, phone in her hand.  

“You like her,” Abby states. “She likes you. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“She likes me?” Riley asks, knowing that she’s probably giving away all her hope in her voice.  

(Okay, in some weird, convoluted way, she knows Maya likes her already. She’s not completely useless, contrary to popular lesbian stereotype. Just an—

“-Idiot,” she hears, a deadpan chastisement that she rolls her eyes at, “What are you even waiting for?”

“I — I’m not — I don’t know, okay? I’m not—”

The ghosts of her ex-girlfriends in the background, go — Good at being emotionally available. Good at being committed. Good at loving people. Good.

Abby stays quiet.

“I don’t think I can make her happy,” Riley says, finally.

There’s the sound of a sigh on the other end. “What if you already do?”  

*****

“Again,” she says, as she’s walking backwards, “I am so, so sorry.”

Maya, who has been waiting for her to get done with her surgeries since two hours now, and will probably have to wait another couple of them, waves her phone in the air, laughs. “I’ll read a book until you get back, okay? Go do your thing.”

She’s on an ob-gyn rotation, but thankfully, the delivery goes smoothly. And a good thing it is, because her head is all over the place. Two warring factions are on a rampage — one that’s raring to go tell the girl of Riley’s dreams that she is, in fact, that girl of Riley’s dreams, and the other equally strong battalion that is standing there with flags raised, flags that read – But what if it goes wrong?  

Here’s the second thing about Riley: Love barely ever goes right around her.

Oh, she’s dated people before. Loved them, adored them. And yet, things always start falling apart after a while, start shattering into pieces. Honestly, she doesn’t even blame them. Who wants someone who barely has time to talk for an hour because she’s almost always busy, who is ridiculously tired most days, and barely has the time or energy to grow a relationship?  

(So it will happen when it happens, but also, when it happens, Riley has a tendency of scrambling for cover)

She walks into the main hall with the paperwork, and stands at the nurses’ station, lets out a deep breath.

“Your girl tuckered out an hour ago,” Shaqueel tells her, leaning against the table, casually interested. She can see the rest of the nurses leaning in for better quality audio.

“Not my girl,” she tells him, fighting to keep a straight face.

“Really?” Julie asks, face resting on her elbow, an expression Riley can only describe as sappy on her face. “Because she would like to be, that’s for sure.”

Riley turns to Danny. “I told you to make sure none of these,” she waves a hand towards all of them, “busybodies talk to her!”

He shrugs. “What can I say? They were determined.”

“Useless,” she says, already walking away. There’s so much damage control to be done.

Danny texts her a “She’s a keeper”, as she’s walking, and even though she’s mad at all of them, part of her is inclined to agree.

*****

Maya is sleeping.

Riley knows the tone in which she’s thinking this is certainly not the one two strictly platonic buddies would take while referring to each other and yet the tenderness seeps in, anyways. She looks at the hair falling over her askew glasses and wants to brush it off; looks at her dozing with her mouth open and the sight is such a perfect mixture to utterly absurd and adorable that she wants to wake up to it in the morning. Every day.

She takes a deep breath, presses at all of her wants and urges until they’re packed, once again, in the already filled box related to all things Maya in her head. Kneels so she’s almost at her level, and gently taps Maya on the shoulder.

(Waking up comes as beautifully to Maya as do all things, and Riley is most definitely an idiot in love)

“I’m sorry I fell asleep,” she says, softly, her eyes still squinty from the last remnants of her nap.

“Don’t apologize,” Riley replies, equally as soft. “I fall asleep all the time on the phone.”

“Eh, you save babies. It’s alright.”

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting so long.”

“Riley,” Maya tells her, very seriously. “I would wait a lot longer for you.”

(And because being stupid is a fundamental quality of Riley being in love, there’s absolutely no way she isn’t swooning at that, inside)

She’s sleepy and tired and stupid right now, so it’s probably coloring her judgement, but she’s done caring. Riley Johnson is not letting this one get away.

“Would you,” she starts, slowly, “consider waiting two more days so you can take me out to a fancy restaurant on Saturday?”

There’s a light in Maya’s eyes that she can only classify as hope. “Depends. Would you open the door for me and pull my chair out?”

Riley’s smiling so wide her cheeks hurt. “Absolutely.”

“Well, then,” Maya says, leaning in, “It’s about fucking time.”

[sarahlwlee]

Why do I cook?

I love cooking because it satisfies the following curiosities of mine:

The intellectual pursuit of science, history and art through a recipe and the act of cooking,

The basic need to nurture the soul and feed hungry bellies, mine and my husband’s, and;

The connection to my past and my family.

Since the pandemic began, I have been cooking food I miss from my home country, Malaysia. The desire for connection to family and friends from my past has weighed on me heavily as sheltering at home for the sake of public health safety takes its toll. At the same time, anti-Asian violence began to escalate mainly driven by racist narratives and further perpetuated by systemic racism. I don’t need to explain this part, there are plenty of resources on Google about anti-Asian violence and the history of racism if you need it.

When I heard about the news about an elderly Thai man being fatally assaulted in San Francisco, my heart sank and I started to cry. As I read the news, I said to myself, “he’s close to my father’s age and he looks like my dad if he were still alive and lived a better quality of life.” My father passed away during the pandemic in May 2020 (I wrote about this experience in my 31 Stories in 31 Days series for AAPI Heritage Month in May 2020, you can read the full recollection here). All the feelings of grief and loss came rushing back to me as I sobbed over the loss of this man’s life.

In the last few weeks, the mass shooting of Asian women in Atlanta broke my heart. The women’s ages were my mother and sister’s age as well as my good friends I grew up with. I was at a loss for words with so many thoughts in my head — struggling with my own experiences as a Chinese Malaysian woman and managing my anger over these continued acts of anti-Asian violence and racism. I cried and sobbed throughout my work days navigating feelings I pushed down so that I could be productive.

The media cycle reported heavily on this mass shooting. Spurs of dialogue on social media around not only anti-Asian violence but that the shooter had “a bad day” and his motives were not racially driven became a source of pain for many including myself. Defining what was a racially motivated hate crime and what wasn’t, it felt like being gaslighted. Not only this one time, but every time before — in this country’s history and even in my own lived experience.

I had been researching and reading about gaslighting for a while because I wanted to understand my own response to personal trauma. I came across a short TikTok video created by @risethriverepeat from a Facebook friend that highlighted a kernel of truth I had never known. The individual in the video said, “Overexplaining can be a trauma-based response to being gaslit in childhood. When I figured that out, I worked to stop doing so. If I already told the truth and was clear, there’s nothing else to say… then overexplaining leads to distortion.” A light bulb moment occurred to me and everything started to fall into place about how I became wired the way I am, especially hazy moments where I had to tell myself a different story so that I could make sense of what was happening to me. I spent a lot of time overexplaining in my lifetime. I can’t even remember when it started but there were some formative memories of having to accept something that wasn’t true.

When I was about 10 years old, I was part of a group of students who competed in a inter-school choral speaking competition (I wrote about this experience in my 31 Stories in 31 Days series for AAPI Heritage Month in May 2020, you can read the full recollection here). The short version of this story is we found the judges scoring sheets by accident. Our school should have won first place by default because we scored the highest points out of all the schools. Yet we were second. When our teachers and parents confronted the organizers, the teachers were taken away from the parents and students to talk about this. When the teachers returned to explain, they looked disappointed and said to both the parents and students that we lost and the decision was final.

The key thing here is the queen’s granddaughter was in the group that won. Basically the implication was that the results were fixed in her favor. This was a form of gaslighting at a systemic and cultural level. When I reflect back on various times where I second guessed myself, I realized many of those moments were gaslit moments where someone told me I “imagined it” or “you’re telling lies” or even worse “it didn’t happen”.

In this particular story about the choral competition, I am glad I had some resolve where my mom told me what happened. It was the only way I could process it but it also formed new behaviors in me to always rewrite narratives in my head to make myself okay with it and also overcompensate for areas where I felt no one would believe me, even when I was telling the truth. I had many more formative moments in my youth, even through adulthood, where I had to comply with believing something that wasn’t true for fear of retaliation and isolation; it was survival for me.

With this memory and the recent mass shooting, all the feelings of grief and loss from last year came rushing back once again with the pain of not being believed. Truly, what I needed to do in this moment was to process, grieve and heal so that I could re-align my internal compass with the recognition of what I believe to be true.

I read stories from other Asian women, talked to my mother, posted resources from Asians as well as Asian organizations in America, and spent time processing in spurts with others who would listen. Each of these actions helped me slowly embrace healing. The one part about healing I never enjoyed personally was remembering who and what we had lost. I felt like I didn’t have the capacity to hold it or that I didn’t have the courage to keep moving forward to not live in fear.

Keeping a memory alive of a loved one or of a moment time is how we make peace with ourselves, fill the cracks of our broken heart, and mending it back together so that our heart may beat again. So that we can be strengthened by our ancestors — our joy and love from rich cultural traditions passed from one generation to another. It’s inherent to our identity and how we continue to live authentically as we are. At least from what I have been told.

So why do I cook?

Cooking recipes that remind me of my dad, family, friends and moments in time of joy and love, helps me find peace and healing through action. It helps me bridge a lost connection; it fills my soul and mends my broken heart.

Last weekend, I made butter kaya toast. It is popular in Malaysia and one of the many local favorite childhood breakfast or treat. Kaya is a unique jam or spread made from pandan leaves, coconut milk, eggs and sugar. Combined and cooked down gently to a thick spreadable jam. Some have translated this in English as coconut jam or something decadent like coconut caramel. These translations don’t do justice for this unique spread. The forward flavor isn’t coconut, but rather the pandan essence. When combined with coconut milk, it becomes a rich unique flavor. Interesting fact, when you translate the word “kaya” from Malay to English directly, it means “rich”.

My mom and dad used to take me to these open-air coffee shops near where we lived in Sri Petaling and OUG (Overseas Union Garden) for breakfast or brunch. Since my palate at the time was a little picky, they would order this Hainanese breakfast meal for me comprised of kaya on two thin slices of toasted white bread with slivers of cold butter in between, two soft boiled eggs with soy sauce and white pepper to season, and a hot cup of Milo. Sometimes the alternate to kaya was just white sugar, which was also equally delicious but not in the same way how kaya satisfied my sweet tooth as a child.

Sometimes my dad or my mom would tell me stories about their childhood through food. Where they were when they first had it, who they shared kaya with or even where the best kaya they ever tasted came from. This often inspired my dad to buy little cylindrical plastic containers of kaya from local vendors on his way home from work. I remember his face lit up when he would tell everyone at home that he had bought kaya. When he made kaya toast for himself at home, he would always ask me if I wanted one. Whether I wanted one or not, he always made an extra one that he ate or shared.

This childhood memory became much more vivid with every bite of the kaya toast I made recently. It helped me feel closer to my dad even though I know he is no longer here on earth and that he is in Heaven. The act of eating and remembering gave me space to nourish not only my stomach, but also my soul and to feel whole again. I will continue to cook and relish memories of the past. The feelings of warmth, love and joy will always stay with me and be my source of healing whenever I need it.

I will always remember and keep working on myself.

If you would like to read more stories about my lived experiences as a Chinese Malaysian immigrant living in America, check out “31 Stories” project I did in celebration of Asian American Pacific Islander month in May 2020.

[totaldramafan-lauri]

Yearning

W-well...here it is. The product of two weeks’ work.

A couple months ago, I got inspired to start planning a multi-chapter self-ship fanfic, but since I hadn’t written detailed fic in literal years, I wanted to do an unrelated one-shot to kinda...warm up a little, to see if that’s something I really do wanna do...I’m still unsure if it’ll happen, but I did the warmup, and...it became this THING.

This is based on the Vampire!Spinel AU from @su-reader-imagines, which...I ended up liking, like...way too much. X///D I’m not even a vampire fan normally, but...maybe it was the Spinel part. >/////> I-I won’t link the specific post since there’s NSFW content in it and I don’t wanna make anyone read it if they’re not comfortable with that stuff, but...this story in particular has no blatant NSFW (just implied stuff).

Since I started off writing this for myself, I had planned for this to be self-insert, but then I decided to make it more reader-insert to match the original imagine. However, the first-person POV remained, so it’s...weird. The narrator isn’t mentioned by name and details about them are vague, but it’s still kinda my personality, so....it STILL might be more self-insert then reader-insert? I dunno, it’s kinda in the middle...I-I’m not used to this...

It’s probably obvious that I don’t normally make this kinda stuff, but I still did my best...I didn’t expect this to get as long as it did, but I’m a detail-oriented, overexplaining piece of crap, simply put. X////D

Even if nothing comes of this, I at least finished it, and I’m.....kinda p-proud of that, even if....it’s kinda embarrassing....S-so if you read this, I...h-hope y-you...enjoy.....>///////<

Now if you e-excuse me I’m gonna find a dumpster to hide in....

Yandere warning for the very end!

---

It had been a few days since then, but I was still reeling. A part of me was still in disbelief. That couldn't have been real, could it? I mean...something like that, happening to me of all people? I had always been down on my luck...Ignoreable. Average. There was nothing about me worth noting. Occasionally, something good would happen, sure...but nothing like that.

But then I'd look at myself in the mirror, and see the marks on my neck. And I'd be brought back to that night. It was real.

My mind would fill with overwhelming emotions whenever I'd think about it...and whenever I'd close my eyes, I'd see her there in front of me.

Looking back at me with red eyes, grinning playfully, her fangs showing. I'd see myself laying on my back, her hands all over me, as I let her do whatever she wanted...The heat in my body, rising....The sound of her voice, teasing me...

"Spinel..."

Her name, escaping my lips.

Luckily, no one was around to hear, but I caught myself anyway, snapping back to reality. I'd been standing there in the bathroom in front of the mirror for how long? A few minutes? And after I'd already relieved myself? I flushed in embarrassment. Get it together, I thought to myself. After splashing some water on my face, I went back to work.

Never before had work been so frustrating. I couldn't focus on anything. My pace was so sluggish that it felt like I was moving underwater. And I had to keep a poker face the entire time. I couldn't let anyone know what happened. They wouldn't believe me! They'd think I was crazy! And maybe I was, but I didn't wanna bring attention to it. I had already been getting some looks from coworkers due to my neck, but no one asked me about it. That was good. I tried to imagine myself attempting to explain in the sanest way, "Yeeeeaaah, I met an actual vampire and let her drink from me." Yeah, that wasn't happening. I hadn't believed they existed, either, until I met her.

I tried everything I could to distract myself, but the fluttering in my chest would just keep coming back...It was like she had left her mark on me in more than one way...

Even before I knew what she was, she still seemed like someone who would only exist in my dreams. She was lively and interesting, with a unique way of talking and dressing. Even her name was unique. She was charismatic, and confident...and she had a voice that you loved listening to. The way she could switch between playful and downright seductive...Just thinking about it...about the kind of things she said to me...

There was no way I was her first. She was way too good at that. But the very idea that someone like her could pay attention to me, and treat me so well...I should consider myself lucky to have spent just the one night with her...right?

So...what was this yearning I felt...? Was I really that needy...?

The memories were so fresh...Me and her, in the back room, making out, and her drinking from me...and then making me the happiest I had ever been in my life. In that perfect moment, I didn't want anything else. I just wanted to do whatever she told me to. I was hers, and hers alone...

I didn't expect to spend the entire night with her, but I was riding that high for so long. I didn't wanna leave her arms. The aftercare...I could still feel her icy hands trailing down my back. I could still hear her voice, cooing in my ear, telling me what a good girl I was...It had made me so happy, knowing I pleased her...

I remember all the little petnames she called me. My favorite was "doll". That was the one that made me feel the most...special. And I think she caught on to that, because she'd call me it again and again. I was her doll. At that time, I existed only to make her happy, and I was doing my job!

Spinel's doll...

"Stay with me a bit longer? Please~?" she asked, while gently rubbing my back.

"I...wanna stay..." I answered, still dizzy, "But...will we...get in trouble...?"

She chuckled. "Nah, we won't. I told ya, I know the guy. No one's gonna bother us, I promise~..." she assured me gently.

"OK...I'll stay then..."

I turned around and subconsciously scooted into her a bit more, wanting to be as close to her as possible. She didn't seem to mind, putting her arm around me and holding me from behind. My heart felt like it was about to burst...I'd never experienced this level of intimacy before, and this was just the icing on the cake.

"Mmmm, you're so warm, doll~..."

At that comment, I'm sure I got even warmer. I felt so weak, but so happy. We simply laid there in silence, with her occasionally breaking it to hum to me. Soon, I felt myself get drowsy. It was getting late, but...I didn't wanna move.

"...Spinel?"

"Yeah, doll?"

"I'm...getting tired...Is it OK if I fall asleep...?"

"Course it is. You've earned it, toots..." she spoke softly, "And don't worry...I'll still be here when ya wake up~."

After she gave her permission, I drifted off to sleep, which ended up lasting all night. And sure enough, she had told the truth, as I woke up still in her arms.

And I panicked.

I jolted upright and frantically checked the time. I didn't know it would be all night! Oh crap! How would I explain myself!?

I told her I had to go.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because my mom's probably worried sick about- er", Did I really just reveal to her that I still live with my mom? "-I live with my mom, and I've never stayed the night without saying anything, so-" I felt increasingly awkward with every word that came out of my mouth. "And, and...crap, I have work! Wait, that's tomorrow..."

She tried to calm me down, but at that point, I couldn't. My anxiety was through the roof. This was supposed to be a simple trip to a bar, to try something new. But I ended up staying the night at the place with someone I just met. And it was incredible. But now that it was over, everything catching up to me, I just felt bad. I felt...guilty. I took up so much of Spinel's time. She was most likely most active at night, and I kept her in one place for so long. And compared to her, I was practically nothing. I didn't deserve any of that...but she gave it to me anyway. I was a piece of crap who wasted her time.

So all I could do was apologize. "I-I'm so sorry!" I cried out, jumping to my feet. I wobbled a little before steadying myself.

And...she let me go. She didn't protest at all, saying that it was fine, she wasn't keeping me there. She was calm throughout my freak out. She remained sitting in bed, at first with an amused grin...but when I apologized, she looked away. I couldn't see her face anymore, and her voice became more monotone than ever.

"You can leave if ya want," she said.

She didn't care anymore, I could tell. I overstayed my welcome for sure.

Before leaving the room, I turned around one last time, giving a quick but honest "thanks" for the incredible night together...and she finally looked back at me, with a slight smile.

And now...here I was. Stuck in a perpetual daydream, trying to keep myself together. A coworker's voice snapped me out of my memory of the last time I saw her. I quickly apologized, trying my darnedest to keep that poker face I always wore, but it was harder than ever.

Ugh, I'm such a mess...What did you do to me?

My mind was filled with questions. Just who was she? Where was she from? Was she born a vampire, or did she become one? How long has she been alive? What kind of things does she like to do? Does she have friends? There was so much I didn't know about her...I'd been too caught up in the moment to think about those things that night, but now, I couldn't help but feel curious.

I couldn't get her off my mind...As the week went by, I tried to piece myself back together. I tried to think rationally, telling myself to let it go, it'll never happen again, and so on. But nothing worked. The fluttering in my heart wouldn't stop. At first, I hated it, but now, when it was undeniable, I finally had to give in to my feelings...and I finally put together the words in my head that had been so obvious the whole time.

Wanna see her again.

I knew that could easily go badly, knowing me. I'd never been good at social situations, always opting to stay on the sidelines so I wouldn't embarrass myself. If I really knew what's best for me, I'd quit while I'm ahead, right?

But the more time passed, the more agonizing it got...I missed her voice, her touch, her eyes, her lips...everything. After only one night, I already felt so empty without her, so longing...I wanted to be her doll again. Was that so wrong...?

Wanna see her again...

For a while, I was being pulled in two directions, with another part of me shouting that it was a bad idea. Being brave is always a bad idea to me. But I couldn't help it. So I told myself, that, once the weekend came...I'd go with my gut, for once.

Wanna see her again...

---

This was a mistake.

Coming back here was a mistake. That's all I could think of as I sat there, alone, staring at my lap. Here I was at the bar again, but now what? Why didn't I have a plan?

I remembered why I don't come to these kind of places often - I always feel out of place at them. The kinds of people who go here are usually the polar opposite of me...loud, social, sometimes even aggressive, with eye-catching outfits...and there I was, trying not to stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe if I'm quiet, they won't notice me, I thought, I gotta not bring attention to myself...

"Can I get you anything?" an annoyed-sounding voice asked.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when the bartender spoke to me. When did he get there? I hadn't heard him approach! "Um, nothing! No thanks!" I said quickly. I wasn't here for the food or the drinks.

But the way the man looked at me told me I probably should have ordered something. I mean, who comes to a bar just to sit there awkwardly, right? I mean, besides me. Based on the clock on the wall, I had been here for...almost twenty minutes already? I averted my eyes and spun myself around so that my back was facing the counter, as if that would shield me from the embarrassment.

My eyes scanned the room, hoping to catch at least a glimpse of the one person I wanted to see. There were a fair number of people, but she was still nowhere to be found. I sighed, feeling my heart sink.

She had told me she came here twice a week, and it had been exactly a week since then, so...it would make sense for her to be here tonight, right? Or was she more unpredictable? She did seem like that type...Or maybe it was me. Maybe she was here, just avoiding me...No, no, that can't be it, can it?

I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, trying to expel that thought from my mind. Then I looked up again, watching people dancing to the music playing. My mind was instantly brought back to dancing with her that night, before she led me away. I had no idea what I was in for. All I was concerned with was dancing with this attractive lady and hopefully not making a fool of myself. I remember it feeling like the temperature in the room was rising...she had been so close...

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I thought that maybe, she'd like to see me again, since it had seemed like she liked taking care of me...but I was stupid to think that.

Did I really think I was worth anything to her? If I was, she wouldn't have let me leave so easily. She could've just as easily convinced me to stay. She had marked me. There was evidence I was hers. She could've told me I wasn't to leave without her permission. Or heck, she could've told me she was worried about me after how weak I'd been! But no. She was simply done with me after that.

I was just a food source, that's all. She just indulged me afterward because it was so obvious I was into her. She was humoring me. Why didn't I piece that together? Was I really that stupid? Just look at me!

I started chewing on my fingers nervously as my anxiety took control. Desperate, I scanned the room once again. Did that person just look at me!? I looked away, still chewing. I didn't just bring attention to myself, did I? Was I staring? I turned back around to the counter, looking at the clock instead.

A half hour. I'd been just sitting here doing nothing for a half hour. Great.

Thank god the place wasn't too packed. And that the bartender was pretending I wasn't there at the moment. It was then that I had a thought: maybe he knew her. I could've asked him if she was here. But no, that'd be too awkward for words..."Excuse me sir, is Spinel here?" Though I didn't fully doubt I wouldn't be the first to ask that...

Maybe...she's with someone else right now...

That thought hit me harder than anything else, and I finally started to break down. I leaned against the counter, my head in my hands, trying to compose myself for a few minutes. I couldn't stay here much longer...the music, the voices, the looks, I had to get out soon-

"Hello, nurse~"  

When I heard that familiar greeting, my eyes snapped open, and I slowly uncovered my face. Was it really...? There was no way I was hearing things, right?...After a couple seconds, I looked over...and there she was.

She was looking right at me, a playful smirk on her face, in the same way as I remembered. Her hair was back up in pigtails, too. It was like I had stepped back in time...I felt the heat rise to my face, my mouth hanging open. This was really happening. She was actually here! Now what!?

Say something! "Uhhh..." I cleared my throat. "Hey..."

She giggled. That alone caused my heart to do flips. "Well, gee~" she said, almost innocently, as she took a step toward me, "What brings your pretty face back to a place like this? Is it the drinks? The tunes?" she tilted her head, "The entertainment?"

I could tell she was teasing me. What I couldn't tell was whether or not she was mocking me. I knew I didn't fit in, but having it implied by her made me feel a bit embarrassed. Still, she had approached me...Just when I was worrying this was hopeless, she approached me, just like I wanted...Now more than ever, I wish I had a plan, because I felt like all I could do was sit there, my eyes fixed on her. I didn't know I would get this far...I was so sure I was fooling myself...

"Er...um, well..." I laughed nervously, "I-I know, I don't look the part...but that doesn't mean you gotta rub it in..."

"Oh, I didn't say there was anything wrong with that!" she replied, "I know that a lotta people have secrets to hide...And I'm sure you have your own reasons for bein' here~"

My own reasons...I felt my heartbeat pick up speed at that. She knows. Once again, I made it obvious. Every part of me was calling out for her, wanting me to spill out all my feelings to her...She's right there. Don't back down. Don't run away.

"Y-yeah, you could, say that I-ah!"

Just when I began talking, she leaned down to be at eye level with me. My body tensed up, and my words got caught in my throat. Her face was very close, to the point where I could feel her breath on my skin...She was still smiling, but there was an intensity in her eyes that I'd never seen before. I could only imagine how red my face was at that moment..."A-ah..." I didn't move an inch, but I looked to the side to see if anyone was watching us. It didn't look like it.

Then she reached out and touched my neck. I inhaled sharply as a shiver raced down my spine. She was just as cold as I remember, a sensation I didn't know I liked before...but I welcomed it. I had missed her touch so much...Her fingertips gently brushed against the spot where my marks were healing, and she stared there silently. Her other hand went to my thigh. The intimacy of the moment made me feel like I was gonna burst...

"Miss me, doll?" she spoke again, softly, as her eyes met mine.

I practically melted when I heard my favorite nickname again. I managed a nod. "Mhm..."

A hum. "Good..." she crooned. Then she leaned in further and kissed my cheek. It was small, but it was enough to make all my previous worries disappear...and make me want more. "C'mon," she patted my thigh before taking one of my hands in hers, standing up straight. I followed her lead and stood up as well. And, as if history was repeating, she proceeded to lead me to the back room, where it could be just the two of us.

I liked holding her hand. It felt...assuring, in a way. It made me feel like she really did want me here, and that coming back was the right choice. I didn't know what would happen next...Was she gonna drink from me again? Did she just wanna talk? Or will she...indulge me again? All I knew was that, for now, things felt right.

"S-Spinel?"

"Hmmmmm~?"

"I...I was wondering...uh..."

This was the time to start getting to know her better. I had so many questions for her, so many things I was curious about...but I was getting tongue-tied. Great. Why did I have to be so easy to fluster? It was getting difficult to put my thoughts into words, and I mentally kicked myself. I can't lose my nerve now!

She giggled. "It's OK, dearie~" she said, and squeezed my hand as we continued walking, "You don't have to say anything right now. Take your time. It's not like I'm gettin' any older!"

She laughed at her little joke, and I did, too. Her laughter was contagious. Either that, or I was so enamored with her that I'd follow anything she did. I couldn't tell yet.

But I still wanted to say more. Where would I even start, though? She was such a mystery...I guess there'd be time for that later. Yeah. Later, after I calm down. If she'd let me calm down, that is.

We entered the back room, and I looked around as she closed the door behind us. Had she taken anyone else down here since then? That was my first thought, but I quickly shook it out. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was here again. There was no one else here. It was just me and her. Me and Spinel. And Spinel was holding my hand right now...

Almost immediately after she closed the door, she suddenly pulled me towards her, and into a kiss. I squeaked in surprise, before closing my eyes and letting my feelings completely take me over. I felt her free hand trail up my back, slowly, softly, and I felt my whole body flush. This...this was what I had wanted...It was like I never left...

The kiss was short, too short. She pulled away, and I opened my eyes to see her smiling softly at me. It wasn't the teasing grin that she usually wore. She looked more...sincere. I smiled back, in complete bliss.

"I didn't think you'd come back", she said.

"You...didn't...?"

"No one does. It's always one and done with people", she chuckled softly, looking away from me. "They give me what I want once, then never come back. So I always gotta move on to the next one."

This shocked me. Was I really the first one to do this? No one else has ever come back after the first time? I found that unbelievable...I was such a coward...so why me, of all people?

"It gets lonely..." she brought my hand to her face, "even when I'm not alone, I'd still feel so lonely..."

My face fell as her words hit me.

Spinel was...lonely...?

She seemed to carry herself with such confidence, so I never would've guessed...She seemed like someone who would have many friends, and many people vying for her attention. Especially considering how good she was at...what she does...I guess being a vampire would lead to some difficulties with getting people to stick around? I guess not many people wanna experience that more than once...Did she scare them? I remember being scared at first...but she had taken such good care of me that I wasn't scared anymore...She wasn't intimidating, was she? How can someone not enjoy her company?

Was it, maybe...that no one felt they were worthy of her attention?

Already, I was learning more about her, and it wasn't what I was expecting at all...I wanted to help her, but I didn't know how. I was pretty lonely myself. Not many people could bring themselves to give a crap about me. Could it be...that we had something in common?

I didn't know what to say. I didn't wanna ask her about it. She seemed happy to see me, and I didn't wanna ruin it. So, I simply apologized. "I'm....sorry...."

And immediately, she looked back at me, and the playfulness returned.

"Awww, don't be sorry, doll~" she cooed, "Now I know that you're not like that! And that makes me so happy...knowing you're just as special as I thought you were~"

Heat rushed to my cheeks at her words. "I-I'm really not that special..." I tried my best not to stumble over my words, and began talking faster, "I...I just wanted to...to get to know you better, that's all. And I didn't expect myself to get this far, to be honest..." I forced a laugh.

"But you are special!" she disagreed, "Take it from someone who knows uniqueness when she sees it..."

She finally let go of my hand and wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me close to her. She leaned down, bringing her face close to mine. My heart was about ready to burst out of my chest...

"The way you're lookin' at me right now...I've never seen anything like it."

Before I could say anything more, she brought her lips to mine in a passionate kiss, much longer and more heated than the last. I tried to kiss her back, but she completely overpowered me, denying me barely any room to breathe. I could barely even think as she made out with me, her hands wandering all over my body, claiming every part of me. She was so cold, but she made me feel so warm...I loved it. Finally giving in, I wrapped my arms around her, moaning weakly. She giggled in response, a noise I couldn't get enough of.

For that moment, it felt like she wanted me as much as I wanted her.

Once she pulled back, I was panting, elated, but a complete mess in her arms. I could only imagine what I looked like. I must've looked pathetic, my mouth hanging open as she left it, my face flushed, my eyes closed. My legs felt like jelly, so I leaned into her, resting on her shoulder as I caught my breath. She let out an airy chuckle, sounding breathless as well. I felt one of her hands stroking my back. I tried to collect my thoughts about what just happened. Holy crap that was incredible, you're so perfect, Spinel, thank you, I'm so sorry I left, I don't wanna leave again, I'll let you have me for as long as you want...I'm yours now, I'm yours...

I'd never felt so desperate for someone in my whole life...She was almost intoxicating. Part of me knew I should try and resist, try to be rational...but the rest of me didn't care. I'd been yearning for this all week, and all that frustration had finally paid off...

"How lucky I was to come across a dame like you", she spoke seductively into my ear, "So cute...so sensitive...and so...delicious~" she whispered the last word. I shivered, gripping her tighter as if it'll save me from melting into a puddle on the floor.

All I could do was whimper in response, causing another chuckle from her.

"That's right, doll, I mean every word..." she continued, "And ya came back, just to see me...You're such a sweet thing~. In fact," Both of her hands began wandering up my back, resting on my shoulders, "I missed ya more then ya thought I did...I missed holdin' ya like this...Touchin' ya like this...Do ya believe me? I've been so, so lonely...I missed ya, my sweet doll..."

'My sweet doll'. 'MY'. I felt my heart soar at her words. Spinel missed me...! And I made her happy...!

"...And now, I'm never lettin' ya go again."

Her voice suddenly took on a tone I'd never heard before...Darker, more growly, with her accent more pronounced. My eyes finally snapped open again as she aggressively jerked me back by my shoulders, pushing me into the nearest wall, pinning me there. My heart was racing a mile a minute as I could only look up at her. She was grinning widely, and not in her normal way. This grin was manic, predatory, and it made me begin to shiver. What was going on? What was she gonna do? I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. Warning bells were going off in my mind, but I was frozen like a deer in headlights.

And then, her eyes began to glow. Her red eyes were already one of her most noticeable features, but now, they were the brightest thing in the dark room. I squinted at the light, and instinctively tried to look away, but a hand went to my face, forcing me to look at it. I didn't know what was happening, but I would bear with it for her. And so, I braced myself. My first guess was that she would drink from me again, and I welcomed that thought. She was welcome to use me in that way if she wanted...

But nothing happened. As I continued looking at her, the tension in my body disappeared, and I stopped trembling. In fact, I began to feel weak in the knees. She wasn't saying anything, and she still got that reaction out of me...The sight of her face so close to mine, looking like she could ravage me at any moment...and I, the prey, was so helpless, pinned against the wall...This was an image I never wanted to forget.

With each passing second, I felt myself melt more and more, to the point where my legs started to give out. I slid down the wall a little, and then her hands went under my arms, helping me stay on my feet. But even then, it kept getting worse.

"S-Spinel..." I breathed out, attempting to speak, "I-I feel...I can't...." The sentences weren't forming. I felt my body grow numb, the only thing keeping me from collapsing on the ground being her arms...

"Shhh...Don't worry", she said, her voice as smooth as butter, "I got'cha~"

My vision was starting to blur, but I couldn't look away from her. Her gorgeous eyes were unblinking as she looked back at me, the eerie red glow making them all the more beautiful. I was putty in her hands...It was as if there was nothing else around me...nothing else that mattered. It was just her.

Just Spinel, the woman of my dreams.

My eyelids began to grow heavy, my body fully limp. With the last of my consciousness, I realized that this sensation wasn't normal. Was she doing this? I would've been scared had I caught on earlier, but now, I didn't care. I just wanted to stay like this...it felt so good...

"That's it...~" she purred, "Now, close your eyes for me...Just relax for a bit, and let me take care of everything~"

That was the last thing I heard before I closed my eyes, and quickly passed out in her arms.

When I woke up, I was in a place I had never seen before.

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

this is an outta nowhere question but what are your thoughts on Joker in Smash about a year since he was added? I've heard some folks say the reason the Persona fandom got so toxic is bc Smash got involved and I wanted to know what you thought since you've been in it way longer than P5 and Joker in Smash

Short answer: Yes AND No. 

Long answer (it’s me of course it’s gonna be under the cut due to length 8U):

I’mma be honest, there’s always toxic fans. I know Smash Fans (and Nintendo fans in general) haven’t exactly been peaches, esp when it comes to Twitter (which I think is also an issue atm). But there were toxic fans before than and there’ll be toxic fans later. It’s just life tbh. (dunno where to put this but I’ll put it here: Twitter nowadays is like 2012-2015ish Tumblr, different being Tumblr was a bit more hiveminded and if you disagreed with a popular fandom opinion you.....were kinda bullied let’s be honest so no one could really say their opinions. While Twitter now it’s not a hivemind but instead two sided extremist that you need to choose. Both toxic and similar but just a taaaaad bit different, I’d probs take the two extremist sides over the hivemind if I had to chose tho...even tho Tumblr had better content during that era than Twitter right now imo but that’s in general and not Persona only. 8U Tumblr’s REALLY calmed down since the porn ban I’m not gonna lie, and ironically that’s roughly around the time that Twitter started getting shitty. So like....kinda saying there’s a correlation, I think a lot of toxic tumblr people probably migrated to twitter, and while there’s toxic fans everywhere it feels like a lot gather on Twitter so it really highlights the fandom there sadly). 

From my experience (which is from P4 PS2 era onward, I missed the pre-P4 P3 PS2 era stuff but apparently there were waifu wars which from what I’ve found I probs would’ve just classified as “shipping war” stuff rather than waifu wars....and it seemed liked standard shipping war stuff from back then), the bigger a fandom grows the more fans it obviously attracts, but that also means more toxic fans too. And that’s why I say yes and no for the smash community, yes because they did attract more fans (and their community seems to be a bit toxic atm, like I get expressing your wants to a company and I support that! but the INSTANT you don’t get a specific character announced for the fighter pass and instead of just being like “oh golly darn :(” but instead “***** this place ***** Nintendo you all suck ****** *slur* *slur*” yeah no that’s a little....you gotta take a step back buddy, so yeah I’m sure there’s a bit more toxic fans in that fandom atm but they are also a BIG ASS FANDOM so I’m not surprised), but it’s also just the cause and effect of the fandom getting bigger in general.

It happened when P4 got it’s anime (btw anime fans ya still valid and are a Persona fan, just keep in mind if you wanna talk lore just know you did watch a very abridged version of the game so be aware you might have somethings wrong cause of that.....cause I’ve seen it happen.....DX btw let’s play watchers are also real Persona fans and I’d say even people who just like Joker in Smash are at least Joker fans and that’s ok too enough gate keeping guys DX), it happened when we started getting spinoffs, kinda with the P3 movies (only really cause FeMC fans were salty or P3 fans upset what was cut/changed, but it wasn’t on any toxic level tbh just normal complaints, I think the fact it was a movie instead of an anime bypassed newer fans than with P4/5 animes), it happened when P5 solidified it into the mainstream gaming market (I’ll stand by P4 helped break Persona into it via all the other avenues of mainstream, with P5 finally latching the main series into mainstream games.....I say mainstream cause spinoffs are looking the same as pre mainstream which.....>.> *shrugs* could be better imo), it happened with P5′s anime, and it happened with Smash Bros. And tbh I’m sure it happened or will happen with the Steam community (and Switch/Xbox if it ever goes there too) and P4G (P4 fans go through the same cycle of BS constantly, most of which I believe originated with the anime generation, that it’s hard to tell if there was an uptick or not). And it’ll probs get an uptick again with P6, and then P6′s anime. And maybe manga cause maybe P6 fans like the P5 fans and won’t listen when people say “don’t get attached to the manga name it’s probs not gonna be used so hold off till the anime” but hey let’s have drama for no reason cause we need it. 8U (obvie you can still like the manga name, it’s more for people complaining about name changes or not getting why Atlus just didn’t keep the manga name even tho an explanation is probs within arm’s reach and they were warned beforehand)

*sighs* Sorry back on topic, each time the fandom grows so will toxic fans. Tbh I feel like the phrase “toxic fans” are thrown around a lot. And it’s esp used for only....”haters” it feels like and I don’t think that’s right (cause it can be fans too), it just feels like ANY negativity (even constructive and kept reigned in by certain users) is viewed as that. Like take me, I’m sure I’m probs labeled as a “toxic fan” due to be being a Megaten/Persona fan but disliking P5 and talking shit/calling it out. But I try my damnedest to do that in the appropriate places (ie my personal blog, maybe a confessions place, or a thread/board that’s expressing negatives only OR it’s explaining/expressing pros and cons type of stuff, I find that to be the best because it keeps people who want to vent away from people who want to gush so no war happens, not saying I am perfect or you HAVE to follow this or you are toxic, it’s what I decided to ascribe to and find it works well and good enough and it gives me a better fandom experience). Aka, I don’t go on twitter to someone’s fanart of Yukari or Makoto and trash the character because I’m not a freaking asshole (or in this case a ~toxic fan~). But this also applies to the “fans” as well who will talk about something they like (character/game) but the ONLY  way they can raise it up is by tearing down something else (other character/game), it’s really rude and also toxic as well. Negativity is not inherently bad all the time, and Positivity is not inherently good all the time (with positivity it’s more of giving yourself a break from it rather than saying something positive can be bad at times, tho I’m sure there are times that-that has happened but it’s 2:30 am and I don’t want to think of an example for that). It’s how it’s used/expressed. I see the Twitter community trying to combat the “negativity” by trying to only spread “positivity” and I’m afraid 1) any negative expression, even constructive, will be scorned (I guess I’m afraid of us going back to a hivemind mentality again), but most importantly 2) the people trying to head it are going to be burned out and it’ll hurt them mentally (I do not want it to happen obvie, but I know personally it can wear you down which is why I’m concerned). Don’t get me wrong I love what they are doing/trying to do, but I think we’re generalizing the word “negativity” and “positivity” a bit too much and it’s just raising a few red flags for me (I’m just hoping I’m being paranoid/overanalyzing in this case). 

Uhhh there was one last thing I wanted to address.....Oh yeah gate keeping. I know you asked about Smash but this stuff is kinda related and hey think of it as a history lesson for the Persona fandom (or at least Nusona cause I didn’t have a game system in the 90s ;_; plus wee little me wouldn’t have been able to find P1/2 fandoms back then due to me not really using the internet like I do nowadays till around P3 was probs released). Plus you know how long winded I am so this is kinda what you sign up for, 3 am ramblings of overexplaining~! But gdi I will try to cover all the bases and get my point across in....some fashion. 8U

But yeah, Gatekeeping in relation to the Smash fans, cause I see Persona fans shit on new fans that got into Persona through Smash (I know above I said Joker fans are valid Joker fans rather than Persona fans, but I’m assuming they’ve yet to play/watch Persona and are just aware of Joker and are a fan of him vs the fans who saw Joker and then watch/played the games to get into the fandom. One set is a fan of a character vs the other set got into a franchise because of said character. Like I wouldn’t say I’m a FE fan cause I liked Marth/Roy in SSBM, which is why I have that distinction myself BUT if you wanna call yourself a Persona fan that’s valid, you’re valid, it’s whatever, I don’t really care about the details that much, I just have two categories for convenience). Anyway I don’t think it’s fair to shit on them. Same as I don’t think it’s fair to shit on anime only or manga only fans. Or if they got into the fandom through Nusona (Oldsona is P1/2, Nusona is P3-5 atm). Or Oldsona. Or another Megaten game. 

Maybe it’s cause I came from P4, where it got shit on cause it wasn’t (”dark”) like P3, it wasn’t (”dark”) like Oldsona, it wasn’t “dark” like other Megaten games, it got shit on every way to Sunday for daring to try to have a more lightened mood at times (3 murders happen, we see 3 dead bodies, a 6 yo dies onscreen, we have characters going through intense existential crises, we deal with characters mourning through death as well as other relatable struggles, basically shows our teammates die one by one in the final boss, having a chance to hear Naoto’s death scream on the phone if you don’t stop Adachi, just the “you didn’t save the person” phone calls in general, talks about society’s toxic gender roles and how it can negatively effect a person both to an extreme extent and minor, god forbid they eat an animal cracker to lighten the mood, and this isn’t counting the dark shit that happens in the spinoffs). As if P1/2/3 don’t have comedy, or any other Megaten game, all the demons are freaking weird of course there is comedy. Oh and it also got shit on for going mainstream first, and not even counting that it got shit on for spinoffs (which P3 was included but no P3 gets a pass for some reason), and the fact that it was shit on for not being P5 (before and a little while after P5 came out) because it wasn’t “dark” like P5 (fdksjafajkfljafj P5 has it’s moments, esp with Shiho, tho P4D did it first and went through with it, but seriously each game has it’s own light and dark moments and one isn’t better than the other only cause they have more of one than the other). And....*sigh* let’s just say thank god that I was able to buy other Megaten games right before the flood gates of shit came in, cause I dunno if I would’ve wanted to give it a chance if I had to hear my fav game shit on constantly. I say I dunno cause tbh I was craving more after P4 so badly I still would’ve probs gotten into it regardless of the fandom, I wanted more from the franchise even if it wasn’t 100% like P4. 

But tbh I don’t blame P5 fans, anime fans, or Smash fans for maybe not wanting to get into the rest of the series. I get old fans of whatever feeling like they are...I dunno being invaded? By new people in the fandom. Or their afraid of new fans not fully understanding the franchise (hey guys that’s where you teach people instead of try to passive aggressively try to get them to leave the fandom I dunno maybe make posts to educate instead of trying to push away??? 030). And change is hard and yeah. And maybe you don’t like the new game (keep in mind there’s a diff between saying “*insert* Sux” and “I don’t like *insert* because...” one’s shitting on something and the other is constructive), but hey shitting on the game they like is probs not gonna win them over to your fav game sflkdjafkjafja Educate and be helpful, don’t gatekeep and drive people away. That’s a sure fire way for us to lose this franchise (remember we almost lost Atlus all together, but it was able to get a 2nd life thanks to P4 saving it....tbh probably wouldn’t have ever gotten P5 nor SMTV nor any spinoffs if not for P4′s success with its game and anime, this is both a history lesson and a word of warning since it already almost happened once). 

Tldr; Smash didn’t help but it’s really just the fact the fandom got bigger and bigger fandom means we also end up getting more toxic fans mixed in. Twitter now is basically 2012-2015!Tumblr (diff is Tumblr’s was a hivemind vs Twitter’s now extremist two sides only thing), and Tumblr’s porn ban probably migrated a lot of their toxic fans to Twitter which probs hasn’t helped any fandoms on there. Negativity in general isn’t an issue, it’s if you’re being an outright asshole where it’s an issue. Don’t be an asshole in general, if you need to vent then vent where you need to, if you wanna gush then gush were you need to and without bringing anyone/anything down obvie. You are a Persona fan, regardless of where/how you started. Don’t gatekeep for the love of god, or so help me Jack Frost will sneak into your house and smack you in the face with a snowball (and if he doesn’t then I will.....jk...half jk 8U). Also *sprinkles of (allusions to? I dunno I tried it’s 3 am and my 2nd try on answering this and the first one was just as long) Silly’s Persona fandom history lessons throughout the post*

[kindredsoulsoftimesofold]

Incoming TROS rant

yes, there will be spoilers as I will be breaking down everything I saw tonight. If I manage to type choking on my tears well after the movie finished.

----

FINAL WARNING IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS

Let’s start with a few opening words, this rant will indeed be a long one.

ALL THE LEAKS ARE TRUE. And I mean ALL of them. To a T. As soon as I saw the first half was exactly as I’d read, I was crushed. As I knew what was coming. On that note, i was probably the only person in the theatre who was crying like 15-20 minutes before we were supposed to, I’ll get to that in a bit. I’m saving the WORST for last. Let’s break this shit down.

1. The plot is a mess. An actual mess. I feel like every five minutes I was shaking my head and mumbling ‘what kind of nonsense is this’. The breaking of lore or COMMON SENSE really is substantial. But that is definitely not what I cared about, as I already KNEW this even without the leaks. When you can’t get your two directors to FUCKING WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE A COHESIVE STORYLINE it is bound to grasp for straws and make shit up. IT AIN’T NOTHING NEW.

2. Here’s the kicker. THE DIALOGUE WAS SO BAD, it makes Anakin’s AOTC speech seem like a hymn, or poetry or whatever. They CONSTANTLY say what they’re doing, they’re literally reciting the exposition to each other and it comes off as extremely annoying and makes you feel like a toddler. No hate against toddlers, but I’d rather not be one right now. It feels unnatural, forced and STUPID to the point where I would start WISHING for 3PO to come back on screen because Anthony Daniels somehow managed to snag some actually decent lines for once? I love the man, but the droid usually really annoys the crap outta me. He was literally the highlight of the film. Don’t get me started on the stupidity of all of Lando’s lines, poor Billy. Daisy has to stare angrily most of the time so I don’t really care to recall her lines. Adam, my dear Adam, he tries SO HARD to make do with what he was given but even his lines 90% of the time come off as stupid and out of place. Or the worst type in this movie, EXPOSITIONYY. Don’t get me started on Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford. Boys looked like they didn’t sign up for this shit and were literally force choked to be there. I feel you guys, I feel you. ALSO FOR THE LOVE OF THE FORCE THE TIMES THEY REPEATED WORD FOR WORD LINES FROM OTHER MOVIES I WANTED TO SCREAM. Once is too much, THIS MANY TIMES IT IS A FELONY. And it needs to be punished somehow.

3. Let’s get the positives out of the way because there were FEW. The two scenes I actually REALLY enjoyed watching, for different reasons were:

Ben and Palps meeting. The scene was much longer than the clip and SUPER badass. Sheev’s voice echoes, Ben looks fucking cool and the whole scene is GORGEOUS.

The other is when Ben fights as a Jedi in the end. I’ll get to Ben later BELIEVE ME but without overexplaining, he fights with Anakin’s lightsabre, he’s really speedy and is doing all the Jedi spins and whatnot. I fucking ATE THAT UP. Replay that scene forever please CAUSE I LOVED IT. But I was already crying here so we’ll touch more on that later.

To conclude this segment, the visuals were SUPERB, the sound was AMAZING and (some) of the fights were jaw droppingly cool. But that about concludes the positives!

4. I will comment, as I know a lot of people will care even if I don’t particularily. Finn, Poe, Rose and the merry gang aside from our Jedi are reduced to EH this movie. If you thought you’d never miss Rose boy were you wrong. They introduce new characters and expect you to care about them when they SIDELINED the ones they’d hoped you’d care about BEFORE. And it made me care about NO ONE. Not to mention that, sadly, they are ALWAYS reduced to the boring side plot that really isn’t interested or key to much of ANYTHING. Sure they roused the people and all but would’ve been TOAST if Rey didn’t go all Jesus on the fleet. So at the end of the day, you MAY find some enjoyment with the side characters but their lines were some of the worst, you WILL be force fed new people and you might not really enjoy your previous faves here because even I found myself being completely indifferent this time. (I actually really ENJOYED Finn since TFA. He had a compelling storyline and John Boyega was alright. Couldn’t give two wits about him in this movie. Not a single one. But again, I may not be the perfect person to ask if you really,really like any of these characters.

5. Finally, we have arrived to the main event. THE REYLO.

The backbone of this clusterfuck of a new trilogy. The last Skywalker and Palpatine, coming together instead of apart. The arguably BEST actors (legacies aside) Disney managed to get. Now, I will start this off that I didn’t HATE Rey before this movie. I loved her in TFA, enjoyed her less in TLJ but the novelization fixed that. I was BACK ON BOARD to be her number one stan. In this movie, I couldn’t STAND her. Her lines are basically the director walking you through things, her plotline was obviously made last minute so almost none of it makes sense,  I literally wanted to curl up and DIE from cringing so hard every time someone said ‘you’re a Palpatine’. I thought I was looking at a very expensive rendition of terrible fan fiction. (Not to diss fan fiction in any way, you guys will be my heroes after this catastrophe.) ‘Empress Palpatine’, COME THE FUCK ON AND GET OUT WITH THIS SHIT. Bring back crusty old Snoke for crying out loud! Or even HUX! Who got killed off in a second and had three lines of dialogue, not important I guess? Like a great many things I guess, JJ. But, EVEN Palpatine aside, it was great seeing him again and every scene he was in I got chills, who cares that it makes zero sense at this point. Back to reylo.

Ben. Ben Solo Organa Skywalker. The last hope. The final remnant of something I have loved FOREVER. I grew up with Star Wars, like many others just in a different, post prequel era and they are still my favourites. This might sound ridiculous but Star Wars was part of my heart, my happiness. It brought me joy to watch it, read it, fantasize about it and have it in my life when times were dark or miserable. It MEANT something to me, as I am sure many of you will agree. And Ben was part of that. He was part of something that MEANT something to all of us. He was the last line of the characters we all grew up with and loved. The GRANDSON of Anakin, my favourite character of all time. This was their chance to stop the trend that Loki’s death in IW and Daenerys’ death and turn and many others started and STOP killing people who did wrongs. PEOPLE can change, they can grow and they can learn. Hell, to not stray to far from this franchise REY has killed A LOT of people in this movie alone. She DECIMATES the room full of Palpatine’s followers and never blinks an eye. SHE NEARLY KILLS CHEWIE, DOES KILL BEN (for a minute) and SHE DOESN’T NEED TO DIE. Of course she doesn’t but BEN DOESN’T EITHER. After all that YOU JJ, YES YOU, show me that the LAST SKYWALKER has gone through, suffered, alone and frightened. I would’ve ENDED you if you’d suggested killing him off to me, EVER. He was your chance to do a reverse Vader, AS YOU CLAIMED YOU WOULD. To show a character can come back to the light and be worthy of it WITHOUT DYING. You even set it up as such, which is my next and CRUCIAL POINT.

I’ve been a reylo since 2015. Their dynamic has always been fascinating to me and beautiful. I LOVED all the moments in TLJ, LOVED THEM. In this one, every time they force bond (terrible dialogue aside, again) I was happy. I had a hope that she would bring him back from the darkness and he will keep her balanced. WELL, JJ, guess fuck me huh? And anyone with common sense and human decency. JUST WHEN you shove Ben’s turn in my face, you make him talk to Han, you make him strut in to fight alongside Rey in full Ben Solo Jedi mode, hair blown and casually dressed. It was when he runs onto Exegol that I started weeping. Because knowing that he dies as I did, it broke my heart how it was done. You give me the scene where he fights and you give me hope of what his future could’ve been if only you’d listened to reason and done what was supposed to be done. He is chucked into the pit, WHICH MIGHT I ADD WOULD’VE MADE ME MAD IF THAT WAS HIS END BUT WOULD’VE BEEN SOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT WE GOT, comes back. And now comes the scene that cemented this as the ABSOLUTE WORST insult to me as a fan, possible. Ben is heartbroken that Rey is dead, the moment is sad and he cradles her dead body and hugs her desperately. Which would’ve been a beautiful and GOOD DIFFERENT type of ending. Or rather not having her die at all and being NEAR her death and him saving her and both living happily ever after BUT NO. JJ AFTER THAT has her come back, smile happily when she sees it’s him, her love her hope and the other half of her SOUL literally (the diad or whatever it’s called is so rare that Palpatine was thrilled they’d formed such a bond, basically space soulmates), he has them kiss, then hold each other and smile at each other with genuine feeling of joy and belonging both of them had sought all their life AND THEN YANKS IT FROM UNDER YOU. The scene where Ben falls flat onto his back is quite comical and I couldn’t help but laugh in my misery and sobbing. Rey doesn’t even cry, we don’t even LINGER on his body or mourn him afterwards or even mention it or EVEN SEE her, THE PERSON WHO LITERALLY FOUND HER SOULMATE AND WAS SO HAPPY WHEN SHE KISSED HIM AND WAS LITERALLY SAVED BY HIM, but no guess that doesn’t require a scene, sure, fuck it LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE. The cheery music that plays up until the moment of his fall, YES THE FALL OF SKYWALKER MIND YOU NOT A FUCKING RISE, was an insult to every fan everyhwere, lifelong or recent or otherwise, it was a punch to the gut, a slap in the face and after this happened I no longer paid attention to the movie. I’d been crying for some time leading up to the moment, I knew what was coming and the execution only made it worse and a more desperate cry rather than only sad, I was hoping it wouldn’t happen somehow. I choked back tears until I finally got home and cried. One of the things which MEANT so much to me, was dead. I no longer have any doubts, that this was intentional. Look at Game of thrones, that was this year. It seemed intentional to make series stop, right? Everyone agrees. They wanted to finally bury the Skywalkers so they could make something unrelated? They kill off all the Skywalkers. Well guess what disney? YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO BRING THEM BACK IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU MONEY HUNGRY PIECE OF SHIT. No one would have minded a new trilogy, with new characters doing NEW things. Why even drag the Skywalkers and the leagies into this if YOU DON’T WANT THEM HERE? All you got was millions of lifelong fans of the old movies who have already felt or are only now beginning to feel BETRAYED. I swear it disney, I don’t want to feel this misery again. You won’t take Star Wars away from me and the joy it brought me. I will without a care in the world dismiss this new trilogy as something completely separate from canon. You’ve killed your own fanbase. You could’ve had us but you LOST us. You dangled something we wanted in front of us for our money and then you ripped it apart.

If you are anything like me, anything like me at all and have loved SW for however long. if it MEANS ANYTHING TO YOU, I beg you not to see this movie or at the very least, pay for it. You WILL feel betrayed, insulted, heartbroken, devastated and miserable, as I am feeling right now. I was supposed to go see this movie another two times but i cannot and will not spend another CENT on a company that chooses to alienate me. Fine, have it your way. I’m done.

This concludes my rant as I am tired and upset. If I missed out on anything and you are interested in anything else, please do DM me or leave a comment :) We’re all in this together now, the reylos the antis the new fans and the old. We’re all in the same heartbreaking boat, I love you all. And I will love Star Wars. The REAL Star Wars forever. I wasn’t even sad the ‘FRANCHISE’ was ending because it wasn’t. It had ended a long, long time ago.

[ship-ambrosia]

Dimimari Week Day 4 - Seasons (The Goddess’s Reply)

Summary: Marianne's first year living in Faerghus.

AO3: Lucky Charm Chapter 4

I'm particularly excited about this prompt, because I think it's kinda a different style than I usually write. It was also the first idea I came up with for the week.

By the way i know you probably shouldnt overexplain everything, but the title comes from the dimitri/marianne A support where marianne wonders "if this is the goddess telling me i should make something of myself?" dimitri says "that must be why the goddess allows me to live on" and dimitri ends the support with "i promise to the goddess of fodlan that i will never give you cause to despair" So i just kinda thought of this happiness being "the goddess's reply" to their questions and prayers

  The war ended in the eighth month of the year. The Verdant Rain Moon.

  Marianne moved into Fhirdiad Palace the following spring. The flowers of the city were beginning to bud, the cold northern air of Faerghus making one last attempt to deliver the snow. Marianne had only ever seen Fhirdiad in chaos, Cornelia’s Tripp’s and mechanical abominations standing in their way as they raced through the capital to confront her. It was like an entirely different city now. Fhirdiad was a famously clean and beautiful city, and she was happy to see it this way now. It was a wonderful distraction as she came to terms with her responsibilities as the future queen of the united Fodlan.

  For some reason, she hadn’t thought of what falling in love with Dimitri would actually entail; or perhaps she had been avoiding it. Dimitri was a kind, just man, who had faced his own darkness, the horrible things that plagued his mind, and overcome them. He deserved to become king of course, and she would never convince him otherwise. But she, becoming queen... left her increasingly nervous.

  Dimitri had a lot to take care of as well, now that he was to be king, a lot of things needed to be fixed after the war and though he had begun them almost immediately, he was gone from the palace for long periods of time. Her heart aches for him, wishing she could come along but he was worried about leaving the palace empty, and so she and Dedue spent much time together as they waited for the most important person in their lives to come home.

  When he did come home though, those were the best days. She enjoyed nothing more than when he would lead her around the city, showing her the places that meant the most to him and meeting the people. Fhirdiad was beautiful, with its aqueducts just as decorative as they were functional in keeping the water supply clean, to the vast garden as they bloomed over the weeks. She never fell into a rhythm, every day felt brand new; every moment spent with Dimitri felt like she was falling in love all over again.

~

  Summer came to Fhirdiad warmer than she had expected, and Marianne felt the teeniest twinge of homesickness. She and Dimitri traveled to Leicester so they could reunite with friends, and see the city of Derdriu once again. Upon returning, Marianne was surprised to find her awe with Fhirdiad had not faded, still as captivated by the northern city’s beauty and life as before. She was starting to see herself live here, the role of queen still frightening but something she found herself proud of.

  Summer was when the people of Faerghus really came alive, and she spent much of her time traveling around the former country. She was scared to meet the nobles of the west in particular, to get them to accept her as the queen, though much of the nobles in the east were her friends - Felix and Sylvain, respectively, were rising to the heads of both their Houses, which happened to be two of the most powerful in the former borders of Faerghus. With their support, she felt she could lift her chin a little bit higher.

  Mercedes and Annette insisted they be present at every step of the way that Marianne was fitted for her wedding gown, which began around this time. Every thought of being wed to Dimitri sent her blushing like a lovesick schoolgirl, and listening to the dressmakers and her friends made her feel like she was going to combust. She had never imagined herself marrying happily, always assumed it would be an arrangement to benefit her adoptive father. When she returned home to Dimitri after those visits she would hold him and cry; they were happy tears, as she thought about differently her life was now than she had imagined back then.

  Their relationship itself too, changed with the change in season. Sweet and tempered in the spring, like how the world was poised to bloom. In the summer they naturally progressed into something a little more heated. This was such uncharted territory for both of them, exploring new avenues of their feelings for one another, but it never felt wrong.

~

  As the leaves began to change color, the people of the country got to work harvesting the fields and Marianne had to prepare once more for celebration. It was a joyous time as people all across Fodlan celebrated their good harvests going into winter. A little over a full year had passed since the end of the war, and it seemed like the scars it had left had truly begun to heal. It was one of the best harvest years in all of recorded history, as though the goddess, wherever she may be, was celebrating with them.

  But all the time of bliss they had witnessed in this new year had spoiled them, made them forget what obstacles they still had to overcome. The war was still fresh in everyone’s minds, the scars still there. In late autumn after the leaves had begun falling, a handful of Faerghus’s western nobles attempted a coup. Dimitri was joined by Felix and Sylvain to quell the uprising, though Dimitri was injured in the fighting. It felt as though all of Fhirdiad was holding its breath as he was returned home not on horseback but in a medical carriage, the death of their previous king still fresh in everyone’s mind. The presence of their queen-to-be as a specialist in healing magic did little to calm the anxieties of the city, but Marianne thought that fitting as she was equally as upset each day as she cared for him. She saw flashes of the madness he had gone through returning, knowing full well that the entire battle itself had reminded him of the day in Duscur that he lost so many people he had loved. The wound in his mind affected him more than the wound in his chest, and so Marianne stayed by his side, that he might remember all that they had both fought so hard for.

~

  And Dimitri recovered, by the time Faerghus’s chilling winds had brought snow back to the city. He walked out onto the balcony of the palace, and the people of Fhirdiad had gathered in the streets for him, just as they had after he had retaken the capital from Cornelia a year ago. After all the suffering she had known he went through in the past month, at his bedside the entire time, there was nothing that could have prepared her for the rush of emotions that overcame her when she saw Dimitri smiling at the people of Fhirdiad. Ever the intense empathetic soul he was, Dimitri immediately scooped her up into his arms, in front of everyone. Her first real large gathering in the palace, and everyone saw her crying and clinging to Dimitri.

  On the bright side, such a sight made Dimitri and Marianne’s relationship incredibly popular across all of Fodlan, when news spread that Marianne had personally tended to him and not left his side. Dimitri’s more... savvy advisors touted that seeing Marianne express such raw emotion made her seem more human to their subjects, or something like that. Considering she had only really been with Dimitri in public during small festivals or meetings, she assumed everyone by now knew she was just very nervous at the prospect of being a queen. What else could she be but human? She didn’t like his political advisors very much.

  The entire kingdom’s joy in Dimitri’s recovery carried to his birthday, where celebrations rang out all across the country and once again, Marianne found herself traveling with him. Her emotional outburst had made her the center of attention, and suddenly everyone wanted to know about her. Certainly, she knew her adoptive father must be enjoying his own fame, as her home in a former Leicester territory was quite well known. She was just happy that the western lords, whom Dimitri had been quite light on their punishment when considering the trouble they caused, were clearly not as popular as they thought they were. House Rowe, who had once been the major power in the region, now bowed the knee to House Gaspard, led by Ashe.

  Between parties, Dedue told her that Dimitri was glad the rest of Fodlan was finally seeing her as he saw her, though it made him a bit jealous that her attention was constantly being taken away by someone else. She resolved to do something with this information.

  They got on a horse together and rode off early in the morning one day, making tracks in the fresh blanket of snow. Though the path was covered, Dimitri knew it by heart as these were the trails he had rode as a boy, sometimes with Felix, Sylvain, and Ingrid, sometimes alongside Gilbert and Glenn, and other times by himself. And they spent the day in the snow, laughing and twirling, throwing snow at one another, that surely if any onlooker did not know this was the king and future queen of Fodlan, didn’t know of the darkness that either of them had pushed their way out of and overcome, would probably have just rolled their eyes at two young, foolish lovers. Because certainly that was how Marianne felt as she danced around her first real snowfall of Faerghus.

  When Dimitri kissed her, it all came rushing back. Everything they had been through, everything they had suffered and all the people they had lost, all the victories and the relief when it was all over. All the ways her life had changed just by knowing him. And Marianne smiled, because even though she was still scared about it all, he would be there.

~

  And then the snow started to melt, the trees began to bud again. At the beginning of spring a year after she had moved to Fhirdiad, Marianne and Dimitri were wed to begin their lives together and guide the people of Fodlan beyond the war that had once divided them.