#I had the worst migraine of my life yesterday no fucking joke and it was terrifying

[wabblebees]

.

[frankiegirl]

so last night I discovered that the dry shampoo I’ve been using changed it’s formula in the last few months and I didn’t notice and now there’s barley in the stupid stuff so I’ve been essentially spraying poison glutened spray at myself and my face and hair for MONTHS so like no fucking wonder I’ve felt like such shit the last few weeks I have been BREATHING IN GLUTEN

[agathaharknes]

Okay, hear me out: Yennaia as parents!! (Yennefer comes back from a risky assignment with an unknown artifact. Tissaia touches it and, without anyone else noticing, receives a vision of the future--a future where she and Yen are married and raising a family 👀)

I’M SO SORRY IT TOOK ME LIKE 84 YEARS!!!!!!!! Also, I changed a tiny little thing that I think makes this So much better, so whoever you are, please don’t be mad!

Yennaia prompt: Yennaia as parents. (Yennefer comes back from an assignment with an unknown artefact. Tissaia touches it and, without anyone else noticing, receives a vision of the future- a future where she and Yennefer are married and raising a family.)

LINK TO ARCHIVEOFOUROWN IN THE REPLIES

Word count: 2.6k+ Pairing: Yennaia. Rating: T.

She rubbed her temples, a migraine working its way from the right side of her head to encompass it all. Eyeing through narrowed eyes the books sprawled around her desk, she belatedly noticed that some were threatening to fall off, almost making her chuckle, because no matter how much she might have changed since her conduit moment, Yennefer was still as messy as ever.

Tissaia sighed instead, leaning back into her chair, contemplating changing the contents of her pipe to something stronger than Kaedwenian tobacco, nevertheless, she was called back from her thoughts, just as she was about to summon the herbs, by a loud groan coming from the woman in front of her.

Who by the looks of her, wasn’t faring much better, with both hands clasped together as if in prayer, her forehead resting against them, black silky hair covering the rest of her face from view.

They had been at this for weeks, ever since the mage came back from an emergency call from Istredd, who had found only Gods knew what in those ancient ruins he studied as a saner person might their lover. And from the annoyed twist of her carmine lips and the crackling of chaos around her when the younger sorceress had portalled into her office, the boy had put up quite the fight to give it away to someone that wasn’t from the Council or the Chapter.

(Creating a way to erase memories might just be the Arch-mistress’ greatest achievement, not that anyone would ever know the author behind that particular spell.)

But neither could be trusted with the current political climate, after Sodden… well, everything had gone to shit after Sodden. The only good thing to come out of it being that Yennefer had decided to stay for the time being at Aretuza, then again not without imposing herself on Tissaia, of course, for the Rectoress now had a shadow that followed her everywhere except the laboratory.

Alas, Margarita had taken over her classes, since she was still recovering from the dimetirium, so her overwhelming amount of spare time had been spent trying to figure out what the golden ball in front of them was. A lost cause, probably, now that she considered it coldly.

Even so, hours and hours of hard work had borne no fruits. Nothing in her office, her mind or the immense library her school possessed had given them even clues.

Such an inconspicuous looking thing that it was… The most dangerous kind, if her five centuries alive had taught her anything.

It had slight cracks that looked intentional as if it was holding something on its insides of great importance, yet other than that, it wouldn’t look out of place in the workshop of a famous blacksmith. It certainly didn’t look like something found in an elven gravesite.

There had been moments when it had called to them, yes, to the Arch-mistress and her rebel. Distorted whispers, chants in Elder, beckoning them to touch it, still, they never did. That might just be suicide, considering the sheer power it exuded and after the battle with Nilfgaard, neither sorceress was keen on ending it, no matter how willing they had been on that hill.

‐

“It’s time to accept life has no more to give.”

‐

“You’re worth more than Nilfgaard could ever give you.”

‐

No, they didn’t need any more blood on their already soaked hands, thank you very much. That didn’t mean Destiny agreed with their passivity, though. Those gods-damned whispers. They hadn’t even had lunch!

Fingertips tinted white, Tissaia de Vries, resident Ice Queen, was actually considering throwing the sodding thing into the ocean, from her window office.

“What’s the worst that could happen? Really?” Said the violet-eyed mage and were the Arch-mistress in a better mood or her lungs not burning or exhaustion not weighing down on her like talking to Stregobor at length did, she might’ve listened to her conscious, to her control or just to reason because what she did next was shocking to both her and Yennefer.

She extended her bare hand as if possessed, ignoring the high-pitched wails of the younger mage who insisted she had only been joking, because what else was she supposed to do in this bloody hovel of a castle that was filled with cretins and hormonal teenagers?

The sorceress might have also noticed that her former pupil was just as willing to put herself in the line of fire for her as she had been on the battlefield.

They touched the metal. Together.

And their whole worlds were shaken to the core.

╌

Sitting up so fast she almost fell off the bed. A bed? Blue eyes opened to gentle sunlight coming from the window, the cold air hitting her bare skin, making goosebumps form on her ivory skin.

Looking down on herself she took notice that she wasn’t only naked but on a foreign bed, one that resembled the one in- Oh, fuck.

Cautiously she looked to the person next to her, holding the sheet against her bosom, trying to recover whatever she could of her destroyed modesty. The sight that met her was red, full, lips, her beautiful mouth open so wide her jaw might be dislocated, violet eyes and equally bare olive skin.

Tissaia and Yennefer both screamed.

The younger mage put space between them by jumping out of the bed and thus revealing herself completely to the brunette, who just responded by covering her petite form with the sheets. Hiding in a makeshift cocoon, her hands came up to cover her eyes like a toddler, only to find a wedding band on her ring finger, falling down the mattress, on her arse, accidentally, in her fright.

About to scream some more the pair were startled by a tentative knocking on the door and a child’s preoccupied voice, “Mama, Mummy, why are you screaming? You promised we could sleep in since aunt Rita almost burned down the kitchen yesterday!”

She could perfectly see the pout of the baby girl in her mind’s eyes, the fantasy upsetting her beyond belief, a visceral reaction she had only ever had with one girl out of the dozens she had taught. “It was a bat, it came through the window!” Tissaia responded on reflex, the words out of her mouth before she knew it.

The raven-haired mage followed suit, not knowing what was happening, just that she had the urge to make that tone of hers go away as fast as she could, “We’ll make it up to you! What about pancakes, sweetheart?” Covering her mouth with her hands, she made the same discovery that had the mighty Rectoress of Aretuza reacting like Fringilla was about to throw the powder at her face again.

“Okay! I’ll go tell Duchess!” And with that the girl, who they somehow knew was four and feasted on those pastries as King Foltest had done on wine, was gone, leaving two gobsmacked mages behind. King Foltest was dead.

“Whatever in fuck’s name happened?” Hissed the Arch-Mistress, crawling up to the bed and covering herself with one of the quilts she took from it. She threw with her free hand another one to Yennefer’s face, which the younger mage immediately wrapped around herself like a towel.

“Don’t ask me, you’re the one that touched the bloody artefact.” Walking to the wardrobe she pulled out a dress, glaring at the offensive garment for being a plain thing that she would have never in her right mind spent her coin in. Taking, as well, from one of the drawers a shirt and a skirt that could only belong to Tissaia, since they were so small, passing the clothing to the brunette and avoiding her eyes. “And like an idiot, I tried to stop you.”

She made a beeline for the bathroom, slamming the door closed. “Balance and control, my arse!” After throwing a pillow at the closed door, the brunette put on the outfit, frowning at her reflection in the mirror whilst simultaneously doing her hair up in her normal bun, almost hyperventilating when she noticed that her necklace was nowhere to be seen.

Breathing as deeply and slowly as possible, she went looking for some footwear and found worn boots by what the Arch-mistress assumed was her part of the bed, fastening the shoelaces with her teeth gritted and her hands shaking with electricity. Gods, she knew looked like a bloody peasant and that the pendant was gone and that she was now probably married with a child, but burning the house down with lightning wasn’t going to help matters at all.

Tissaia’s mind had never been this troubled as when she slid down the wall, her head resting against her knees, her arms hugging them. The brunette had dreamed about something like this, for years, decades even, but that was all she let herself have, never thinking she could get over the hurt of allowing herself to embrace it, knowing it was impossible.

Flashbacks assaulted her then, blood coming from her palms as she dug her nails in the skin. The coup on Thanned, Princess Cirilla and the witcher Geralt, the Lodge of Sorceresses and the end of the conflict and then… peace. A wedding. A gift. A baby. Her daughter. Their daughter.

Her whole frame shook, dry sobs coming from her lungs. Teeth biting down on her wounded hand to not make a sound. The grief. The loss. The happiness. The love. It was unbearable and still the best that had ever happened to her. Still a fabricated fantasy.

Inside the laboratory, her violet eyes filled with tears, letting some of them, the most stubborn, fall. This was all she had ever wanted, but not like this. Gods, not like this. From what little she could see they were happy, so happy in this reality and yet she knew it would slip from her fingers like water the moment that fucking ball decided to take this from her.

She wiped her eyes with the heel of her hand, trying to take comfort in applying the green eyeshadow on her eyelids, the lipstick on her lips, as a thousand memories fought for the spotlight in her mind. Gripping the brush so hard she broke it when her clever mind managed to solve the riddle of this existence.

They were in the future.

Racing to the door she opened it with magic, almost tripping in her haste to get to her wife. Stopping dead in her tracks when she saw what Tissaia had been reduced to.

Her thoughts unguarded for the first time she could remember, flowing in the stream of chaos that was always present around her. There were so many things to decipher she just stood still for a few minutes and then her heart broke. The ocean inside her was killing her. “Oh.” She whispered.

“Tissaia.” Yennefer knelt in front of her, taking her hands and healing the half-moon cuts in her palms. Blue eyes fluttering open, the light in them belonging to a broken woman, to a dead one. As she almost made herself. Gods, please, no. Anything but that. Anything. Even so, it was the truth and she was thankful for the knowledge in a way, for the opportunity to stop her, to hide her from the world that would come to want her head on a pike.

She hugged her, burying her face in the crook of her neck, smelling in the scent of her. “Please.” When that wasn’t enough, the younger sorceress manoeuvred them so the woman was on her lap, her chin on the crown of her head, rocking her back and forth, whispering sweet nothings in her ear, until the Arch-mistress was able to pull herself back together somewhat.

Her hand went to her cheek, her thumb caressing her reverently, tears leaking down blue orbs, but not for the reason the mage would’ve thought. “I’ve never wanted anything- I wish with every fibre of my being this was real.” Letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, she rested her forehead against the brunette’s. Yennefer had never been so grateful for thought transference.

Their eyes opened. Full of love, full of life. This was right. All their sacrifices were worth it, would be, knowing where the path ended, knowing the story ended and began again with them. A decade from where they left, together in that office studying the artefact and the wait couldn’t matter less when this was the endgame.

The door opened, and their gazes landed on a child, half dragging, half carrying a white cat into the room, her white shift barely covering her feet and Tissaia gasped, the familiar tingling in her head warning her of a conduit moment, her daughter’s. “Everything felt so wrong.” The child whimpered and getting off Yennefer as fast as she could she scooped her baby into her arms, Duchess landing gracefully on the floor, looking at the three of them suspiciously.

“It’s fine. Everything is fine now.” The sorceress whispered, blue meeting violet, her fingers moving one strand of chestnut hair behind her tiny ear. Slowly turning to the younger mage, who had clapped to get their attention, a choked sound leaving her throat when she realised just how much like them the toddler looked.

Controlling herself and smiling, the raven-haired mage said, “Now, who wants blueberry pancakes, with lots of honey?” The cat mewed, making the little girl giggle and she knew instantly, who she had taken the sound of her laughter from and putting her olive hand on Tissaia’s, Yennefer guided them down to the kitchen.

╌

She heaved, her hand against her chest, against the coolness of the pendant and she saw the younger mage was the same.

A vision. A gift.

The Arch-mistress tackled the raven-haired sorceress, kissing her for all she was worth. Kissing her again and again, until their bodies protested the magical strain they had just endured, loudly enough.

Frowning, when helping her up instead of happiness she sensed in her aura a deep paranoia. “Darling?” Not meeting her eyes, she answered, fiddling with the cloth of her elaborate skirt, but not letting go of the hand that held hers.

“Yes?” It came in a breathless whisper.

Tissaia grabbed her chin, frowning. “What’s the matter?” She nudged her consciousness with her own, finding steel doors firmly locked, still, she persisted, until she was sure the answer was ready to leave her tongue.

“Now that you know what will happen, will you… will you stop the coup?” ‘Will you change fate? Knowing the price of keeping the Brotherhood?’ went unsaid. Destiny was a fickle, wilful thing and they knew this better than most people. A give and a take, as the still Rectoress had restlessly engrained into her pupils.

The brunette laughed, reminding her of what was awaiting them if they dared. “Of course not.” Kissing Yennefer again to shut her up, she continued, “No. Every great empire has fallen. Every great empire will. I know this. I always have.”

Never in her life had she been this openly honest, vulnerable. She couldn’t bring herself to care. “It’ll hurt me, it might break me, to see what I created in ashes, but if I have to choose… my choice will always be you, Yennefer, it will always be our baby.”

Tears fell from her eyes again, this time the Arch-mistress cleaning them. “My choice will always be the both of you, too. When the world falls into the darkness, which we know it will, please remember I love you.”

“I promise.” She muttered.

[satsuki2406]

Dear Aomi Bakugou Katsuki x Reader

"I've seen you in a dream before, you are the warm and bright presence that embraced me on Cape Kamui a long time ago on a June afternoon."

Shinohara (Y/N) is a normal girl who had everything she could ask for, a loving family, a beautiful home, friends, and a fluffy cat. For a long time, she gave her life and happiness for granted, never imagining that she'll face one of the worst and crueler facades of society so closely, destroying what once was a happy, harmonious and normal family. One day, in hopes to recover what they lost, the Shinohara family took one of the more difficult decisions of their lives; leave behind their home back in Hokkaido and travel hundreds of miles south until Musutafu, the place that could grant them a solution and help close the yet fresh wound and scare away the ghosts of the past. Hardheaded, passionate, and ambitious (Y/N) is forced to confront the incarnated face of the superhuman society that she hated the most; Bakugou Katsuki.

PAIRING: (Bakugou Katsuki x Reader)

GENRE/WARNINGS: Romance, Fluff, Angst, Dark Themes, My poor attempt of humor, Strong language (Courtesy of Lord Explosion Murder 💥), Manga Spoilers, LONG ass chapter.

STATUS: On going

Chapter 1: School is a Great Place to Make Enemies

Chapter 2: My Stupid Classmate, The Angry Dandelion

Chapter 3:In Conclusion, This Day Was...

Masterlist \(￣︶￣*\))

4: Welcome to The Neighborhood

The salty breeze caressed (Y/N) face in a wavy motion mixing with the relaxing sound of waves crashing down the coastline. Along with her steady and calm breathing, those were the only things she could perceive in the endless darkness flooding her eyes.

‘A dream?’

Suddenly, her eyelids started to flutter little by little showing her a pretty familiar scenery. A long and meandering trail lay was in front of her, surrounded by the expanse of an endless blue sea. An old wood railing was the only thing shielding (Y/N) from a deadly fall to the humongous rocks nested around the rocky and long structure.

‘Cape Kamui? Again? Why do I keep dreaming of this place?! I haven’t been here in years! Do I miss my old home so much that my brain continues to bring me here? But, it looks so real…’

All of sudden, with the corner of her eye (Y/N) caught the silhouette of someone in the distance, they were with their back turned to her looking at the scenery without a care. That right there was new. This had become a recurrent dream since she moved, but in all the other occasions (Y/N) was there by her own, not a single soul was there, and now an unknown presence awaited ahead.

‘Should I talk to them? Well, I guess is worthed a try.’

With vacillating steps, (Y/N) walked forward to the mysterious entity, as she started to move along the slightly narrow path. Suddenly the wind became more and more agitated as she advanced, her hair moved haphazardly blocking her view frequently. Soon walking became more difficult forcing her to stay still, tightly gripping the railing. The blue and clear sky over her became gray and clouded.

‘What the hell?! Maybe if I try to-’

“E-Excuse me!” You shouted. “Do you know what is happening? I-I haven’t seen you here before! Do I-do I know you?!”

The inexplicable being seen to haven’t noticed (Y/N)'s attempts to make contact, but now she could catch a certain detail that had ignored before while trying to keep herself steady in the implacable bursts. The perimeter around this enigmatic character remained intact the whole time, even the portion of sky over them lingered cloudless and immaculate. The breeze swayed delicately what at your current distance seems to be a white sundress.

‘So, it’s a girl’

Abruptly a blaring sound started to resonate in (Y/N) head, she tried to cover her ears with her hands to no avail. Gradually her vision began to blur and a heavy sensation of falling invaded her body. Unexpectedly everything became black until-

“OUCH!!”

Once again, (Y/N)’s world took a 180-degree change of scenery, a more uncomfortable and painful one per se. There she laid on her bedroom floor, upside down, hair scattered, ungracefully contorted with her legs dangling over her head in something similar to a pretty messy plow yoga position.

(Y/N) blinked still sleepy and confused trying to remember what was going on before she ended up like this, but unfortunately, her abrupt awakening seen to had blurred her memory. All of sudden (Y/N) was brought back from her stirred thoughts as a soft knock was heard on her door.

“Honey are you-oh my! What happened to you?!” (Y/N) mother quacked as she entered your room, her face contorted in concern. “Here, let me help you, darling, I don’t think that position could be good for your back”

“O-Ok, thanks”

After her mother helped her to stand up again, (Y/N) decided to take a quick shower to relax and clear her mind. Now, more awaken and changed in her uniform she was sitting in her vanity stool absentmindedly brushing her hair trying to recall what kind of dream she had last night.

“It will be best if I stop to think about that, I’m gonna get a migraine, it was just a dream, no biggie.”

Once detangled, (Y/N) proceed to think how she would like to style her hair or just use it loose as always. “I don’t want to tie it but I want something different.” Instantly a bulb lighted up over her head, from one of the front drawers she took out a thin light blue ribbon. She put it around her head like a headband and knot it in a little bow at the side of her head.

Content with her simple but cute look she took her already packed bag and proceeded to go downstairs to have breakfast. In her way to the first floor, (Y/N) caught the aroma of fresh pancakes and coffee.

“Smells good!” (Y/N) excitedly exclaimed once she spotted her mom coming out of the kitchen with a stack of pancakes and a bottle a maple syrup to place them on the table.

“I’m glad you think so! I put some chocolate chips in the batter just like you like it!”

“You are the best mom!~”

“Oh, darling I know it. Now sit down and eat you have to leave to soon” (Y/N) did as her mother said, who shortly joined her with her morning coffee on hand. Both of them thanked for the food and dug in.

“Oh, now that I remember! Yesterday I met our next-door neighbor!” (Y/N)’s mom chimed happily.

“Oh really? What did you talk about?”

“Oh, she was really nice and chatty! Her name is Mitsuki but I don’t remember her last name, was it, Bai? Bandai? Bando? Oh, this terrible memory of mine is getting worse and worse every day!” (Y/N)’s mom complained.

“It’s funny that we’ve already met all our close neighbors but them. It’s weird if you think about it.”

“I guess so, she also said that she has a son your age that also attends Aldera Junior High! Maybe you could start going to school together and become friends! Probably he’s as nice as his mom.”

“Hmm probably” (Y/N) said mind absently. “Hey, mom…” She whispered while putting down her cutlery. “Did-did the doctor answered something about- you know…”

Akari paused her fork holding a piece of pancake in mid-air in front of her open mouth, shock spread all over her face. She quickly composed herself and cleared her throat. “He told us it was a long process, you know a lot of tests, blood works, scans and so… he told us not to worry too much, all the necessary requirements were successfully fulfilled. Don’t worry darling, everything would be ok; we have to be faithful.” (Y/N)’s mom reassured her as she squeezed her hand.

“I know but, I’m just… scared.”

“I know baby, I know.”

🏫🚲🏃🏻‍♀️

“I’m leaving now mom!” (Y/N) exclaimed from the front door as she put on her shoes at the genkan. “Alright, sweetie! Are you bringing your bento? Your handkerchief? Your pencil-case? Your toothbrush? Your phone? Your pouch with all your ‘lady necessities’?

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.”

“Ok! Please take care and if anything happens call me immediately and I’ll go to pick you up. I have a meeting with a potential meat and seafood distributor for the new restaurant today but I’ll have my phone with me all the time at full volume.”

“Alright mom! Ittekimasu!”

"Itterasshai darling!"

After locking the door and taking her bike (Y/N) exited her house through the short gate door at the front, but stopped midway when her ears caught what sounded like a heated discussion next door, but the loud argument wasn’t the problem, it was one of the voices involved; an annoying, loud and really familiar voice to be exact.

‘No way…’

“I’m warning you Katsuki! Take your fucking lunch or I’ll personally deliver it to you, at school, in your classroom, in front of all of your classmates!”

“You wouldn’t dare old hag!”

“Oh, but I would! I didn’t wake up at fucking five in the morning to make a bento that you’ll refuse to eat! Now take it!”

“Piss off!”

*SLAP!*

“Don’t hit me old hag! I’ll kill you!”

“Don't you dare to talk to your mother like that you ungrateful brat!”

‘Nice my ass! What made my mom thought that this woman could be nice in the first place?! She’s shouting at her son in the middle of the street like a madwoman at 7:30 in the morning because he doesn't want his bento?! What is this?! Crazy Town?!’

“I already told you a thousand fucking times to stop making this shitty bentos! I’m not seven anymore! Not my problem that you are an old hag that can’t remember shit!

“What did you say?!’

“You heard me!”

‘I was lucky yesterday because I left earlier and he must walk to school so the chances to run into him were slim. Damn! Now I’m gonna have to wake up earlier to avoid him?! Fuck you, Bakugou! Why in heaven did he have to live next door?! Now I understand why the house was cheaper than it should have, the realtor said the former owner had trouble selling it because of the size and the prize, hah! What a joke.’

“Enough of this, I have to go before he notices me, I can get ahead faster so I won’t see him until I get to the class. Yes! Now all I have to do is walk away really slowly-”

(Y/N) put her escape plan in action immediately, moving as fast and quietly as she could even lifting the bike a little bit so the sound of the chain wouldn’t forewarn them of her presence. After a short but cumbersome trail, 2 houses away from hers (Y/N) hopped on her bike more than ready to cycle with all her might directly to the school when another voice resounded at the distance.

“(Y/N)! You forgot the bag with your P.E uniform!” Exclaimed Akari while she held the said bag for (Y/N) to see it clearly.

‘FUCK! No! No! Calm down just take the stupid bag and run! Yes! You can do it!’

(Y/N) pedaled at high speed towards her mother with an only goal in mind, ‘retrieve and flee’ Just a little bit more and she could make a clean escape. Just two feet more!

Putting all her skills on display (Y/N) did her best to balance herself on the bike with only one hand on the rudder while she extended her right hand as much as she could, ready to snatch the bag and leave for dear life.

‘Just a few inches more! Yes! You can do it! Just keep pedaling! Just keep!-’

“Oh! Akari-san! I thought I heard your voice!” Mitsuki beamed as she leaned out of her house entrance while she dragged her temperamental scion by the ear.

‘Son of a biscuit!’

“Let me go you shitty hag!”

“Watch your damn language brat! Can’t you see our lovely neighbors are here too!”

“Like I care for those extras! Let me go! I’ll be fucking late!”

*SMACK!*

“Stop with the fucking hitting!”

“Stop screaming!”

“You stop screaming!”

“Oh, isn’t this neighborhood lively, darling?~” Chimed Akari smiling amusedly at the scene in front of her.

“Aha…” (Y/N) petrified by her side, all willing to live left her body already.

‘I hate my life…’

“Oh! Bakugou!” Said Akari while she bumped the side of her fist over her open palm “Mitsuki-san’s last name is Bakugou!”

“And why couldn't you ‘ve remembered this important piece of information, I don’t know, like thirty-five minutes ago mother?” (Y/N) groaned.

“Oh, you know I’ve always had a bad memory, but I always end up remembering everything at the right time” Akari giggled. (Y/N) simply sighed for the umpteenth time that morning.

‘I’m exhausted already’

After a couple of minutes of bickering, the interesting ‘shoutversation’ mother and son had come to a halt when Mrs. Bakugou strongly hit her son’s head pushing it down in a bow like position.

“Oh, Akari-san! I’m so ashamed that you had to witness this! Katsuki can be a handful sometimes!” Said the blond woman with a dismayed expression.

'Just sometimes?'

“Oh, don’t worry!” Said (Y/N)’s mom waving her hand dismissively. “Teens are usually more temperamental, especially at this age. (Y/N) is not always a ray of sunshine, you know how hormones are.

“Mom!” (Y/N) exclaimed embarrassed, making the older blonde’s attention go from her mom to her, acknowledging her presence. The female Bakugou’s expression went from pensive to surprised, to excited to hopeful all in a matter of five seconds.

“Oh my! you must be (Y/N)-chan! Your mother has told me a lot about you! I’m Bakugou Mitsuki, but you can call me Mitsuki! This is my son, Katsuki! He goes to the same school as you! Katsuki say ‘hi’!” Said Mitsuki with a cheery voice.

*UNINTELLIGIBLE GRUMBLES*

“I SAID SAY ‘HI’ KATSUKI!!”

“OH MY FUCKING-! Hi or whatever!” sneered the seething blond.

“Umm… hi…” After her court response Katsuki seemed to tense slightly, like he just fogured out something. He then slowly rose his head and his wide, bloodshot eyes met (Y/N)’s unfazed yet irritated ones.

“THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE THIEF BITCH?!”

*SLAP! x3*

“KATSUKI YOU DISGRACEFUL PUNK! APOLOGIZE THIS INSTANT!”

“Make me old hag!!!”

*SLAP! x6*

“So help me Katsuki! I will take away all of your phone, Wi-Fi, and PS privileges!”

“I wanna see you try!  And why should I apologize?! This shitty thief used her fucking quirk on me yesterday! If anyone should apologize, it's her!”

“Ha! Knowing you, you must have deserved it for sure!”

“Da fuck?!”

“I told you to stop with the fucking swearing!”

“You stop with the fucking swearing!”

‘Oh God help us all’

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Day 5 (or 6?? I don’t even know anymore) of being in emotional turmoil and stressed and worried and anxious about everything. Things are slightly better now at least, especially having spoken with my counsellor (and some friends). 

I started writing this post yesterday, so excuse the mood changes throughout this post. 

Yesterday was pretty bad, having a whole existential crisis and wondering why the heck I’m still around. At that point I just wanted to be in physical pain rather than deal with all these emotional ones. I guess I did get what I wanted cos I ended the day with a bloody migraine. 

Just wish my mind would shut up/down. Can’t imagine how bad it’ll hurt when the worst really happens. At this point, anything could go. I really shouldn’t have sent that text on Saturday... I’d really tried too hard to make things normal, pretended like nothing happened as it seemed like he was doing. But I should have seen it, he was acting awkward and different and kinda avoiding, I shouldn’t have pushed it more. So yeah, now... I could hear from him maybe, chance is pretty low. Maybe until shipment day, but still, not really a high chance. Maybe I’d see him. Maybe we’d chat, maybe we’d be weird. Maybe things would be normal-ish and go the way it usually does. But I can’t imagine how painful it’s gonna be if there’s a chance he might not show, ever, perhaps requested to never show up here again or just fate/universe works. I know a part of me still holds out hope, for that text, for that shipment day, and I’m trying to picture all possible scenarios so I can be prepared and adjust my expectations, but I know it’s definitely not gonna be any way I expect it to be.

I’d always tried to prepare myself for this moment, the fallout and awkwardness after the confession. Which was why I never told the college guy what I felt, despite everything. Maybe it was a good decision, but I mean wondering what could have happened also sucked. Speaking of... saw this reddit meme post: 

And oof, maybe the worst is actually a non-answer. At least saying no, I would have known that there’s no chance. I guess maybe it would be weird for him to say no directly too, considering we still might work together. Also like how do you tell someone you don’t wish to be friends anymore either? Maybe that’s just it. A non-answer is still a fucking answer. And I need to stop holding on to the false hopes and chances and the past or whatever fucking nonsense. 

I think what truly sucked was that things were getting good again, even great. I know I can’t blame anyone but myself, I chose to tell him. I chose to let him return over and over and over despite all those disappearance acts and selective replying. I’m the one who’s always be like okay, lets just keep it friendly, but oof, nope, feelings caught. 

Every little thing that I had brushed off or defended, just because I wanted to see him as better. Be it rose-tinted glasses, false hopes, building up the little non-significant stuff as something, or just red being my fave colour and I don’t see red flags, or whatever bloody nonsense, I think I really just didn’t wish to believe he’s the type that would just toy around with someone’s feelings. Why would people even fucking do that? Gah, but it’s like he’s friendly and sometimes flirty, and then when I try to see if we could get to something more and he’s just like woah, gotta back outta here. So were we friends? Was it just something sexual? Just boredom? Nothing makes any sense, honestly. Not even my counsellor understands what’s happening. 

I’m so damn thankful for this one friend in particular that’s been there throughout this whole thing, through most of the ups and downs, being there to listen to every single bit, knowing she wouldn’t judge, even the extremely flirtatious and weird bits. 

Like she said I might just be overthinking it. But then again, she’s also reminding me of different perspectives so I wouldn’t hold out too much hope, but it definitely still hurts. Along with everyone questioning “why him?” 

Though it’s kinda funny how people are just like it doesn’t matter if he dumps you for good, you don’t need him. Well, yes, I know that, I don’t need him, but I wanted him. I wanted him to be around and to be there in my life. Yes, maybe I wanted too much, maybe this is selfish. Me wanting him doesn’t necessarily means that he wanted me. So maybe I shouldn’t have tried to define it. I mean relationships takes time, and why do you gotta rush into it? I think that’s what he enjoyed anyway, the company, without having to put labels on anything. But I guess that wasn’t fair either. I guess I just hate the uncertainty. 

But well, I guess once you say it, it becomes real. The initial times could have been brushed off as flirting, sarcasm or jokes. But now, there’s no taking it back. Also why I held off for so long. But well, now it’s been said, I can’t take it back, and I think pretending that never happened... well, it’s not working either. We try, but there’s still that lingering feeling. 

And what sucks is now I don’t even know if we’re still friends or not. Like I said previously, were we ever really friends? Yes, I should be mad that I never got an answer, but I also don’t wish to redirect it to becoming hatred. For some reason, as much as everyone is just like “GIRL, WHY THE FUCK”, I’m still hoping and praying that I haven’t fucked this all up and we could still chat and be friends. Maybe it’s because I really can’t stand to know that I was the cause into making someone feel awkward and uncomfortable. Imagine you expressing your feelings actually freaked someone out this bad. Hah. 

Or maybe the truth is I’m just mad at myself for not being mad. I’m still pushing the blame on me. Yes, the timing was really shitty. Honestly, I feel like the timing has been pretty shit on us for most of it. But I feel that I’m still trying... I want to make things be okay. But yes, okay, stuff I can’t control. I shouldn’t push it anymore. Like as much as I want him, us, to be okay, I can’t control if he’s weirded out by it or anything. If he doesn’t even think we should remain friends at all. If he chooses to avoid me for ever. 

Well, so, been trying my best to keep myself distracted and busy, and I think today it hurts less. Talking to that friend and my counsellor were pretty huge help (did chat about work too but that’s not really my focus for now tbh). Especially when I feel it really affected my mood the past week, especially my energy and you can sense the bad vibes flowing out and affecting people around. Not being responsive, being distant with most people and pushing them away. 

Anyway, that friend had also sent me this tiktok video about how we shouldn’t have to rush into that whole getting married or having kids before 30, cos fuck society and their standards. But my close friends would know that this has been my goal for the longest time. Maybe it’s being in an Asian society, but this is something that I feel my parents would love to see and witness. And it breaks my heart to think that there’s a chance that might never happen. Yes, I’m still young, but am I really? I’m almost 25 and I still haven’t been in a relationship. I probably missed chances when I was at school, and now... I’m just still clueless and lost. Maybe that’s why I keep hanging on. Sigh. 

Well, watching HIMYM now too is great timing honestly, learning all these stuff. Seriously, platinum rule, date-time continuum (again, really dumbass move of Saturday text after everything), etc. It’s gonna be a while before things get to normal again, if ever. Maybe that was my last ever convo with him, which considering isn’t too bad, if you disregard the dumbassery from Saturday. We need space, time. And to hoping this isn’t the end. And if it is... everything happens for a reason. Like my friend was saying, sometimes things need to fall apart so better things can fall into place. 

And again, reminder to me, YOU GOT THIS, GIRL. You’re stronger and tougher than you think. Sure, it hurts like ass now, but allow yourself to feel it. Let it flow through you, strengthen you. Even if it don’t go out the way as planned (make the plan, execute the plan, watch the plan fall off the rails, THROW AWAY THE PLAN), it’s just gonna be another lesson learnt. Stop focusing on the bad, learn to see the positive again and be present and appreciative of what you had. Look how far you’ve grown, the shots you made, the effort you’ve put in, the words you actually fucking said (girl, you cray). Be fucking proud of yourself. It’s probably still gonna sting for a while, but eh, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. 

X

[thebritishblabbermouth]

Suga Fanfiction

Heyyaa lovelies <3

So I am here with a 2 (or 3) part fanfiction on the cutest bean ever. Its angst fluff and smut and its based on a scenario by @atricksterwithwings although the first part barely has any of the scenario mentioned in it xP But I promise the second will!  :)) Let me know how you like it and likes, reblogs and comments are always viewed as a token of love <3 Requests are open :))

Part 2

‘’For Fuck’s sake Taehyung! Would you stop kidding around! Not everything is always a joke you know!’’

I tried, I really did, to keep myself from screaming at him. I didn’t mean to, but it was exhausting. Watching him trying to cheer us up, cover the awful rehearsal performance we’d just looked back on. He kept saying we’d do better, kept talking about tomorrow like it would be the damn answer to all of our problems.

Except it wasn’t. And he knew it.

‘’Sorry Hyung, I’ll just go and check on Jimin then.’’ He mumbled, and I felt like crying at the look on his face. God Yoongi, why did you have such a low tolerance level. Fuck this.

There was no coming out from this dump, we’d raised ourselves onto this platform, written hit after hit and made the public think we were invincible- and perhaps for a second we thought it too. But it was artificial, everyone wanted something new, something exciting. And now, with the looks of things, that fucked up rehearsal tape- we were crashing nose down, into a black hole there would be no revival from. The populace would move on and we’d be left in the ashes, no one bothering to give attention to a simple ‘’has been’’.

It wasn’t that we weren’t trying, Jimin was covered in sweat, Jungkook’s back was killing him even though he was pretending like it didn’t hurt, Namjoon’s migraine was hitting him hard and Hoseok looked like he was about to snap himself. Taehyung and Jin were trying their best to lighten up the mood but right now, their voices were like swords piercing through my mind.

But it wasn’t enough.

We’d never be enough.

The lights were horrid, the mics didn’t work and the echo from the bass was giving me a headache. Was this the song we’d composed? Why did it sound so repetitive and ugly? It was going to be the death of us, and it would be my fault entirely. How did I manage to compose something so disastrous? Was I a fluke? I hadn’t had thoughts like these since the days I featured as Gloss on the underground scene, but right now. I felt worthless, almost distant and airy. Maybe if I just closed my eyes and gave up, things would get better. At least people wouldn’t blame me. I’d be gone by then. I could feel my pupils fall to the back of my head as I leaned against the walls, letting the exhaustion fill me up. It was easier this way. No one to live for and no one to account for. No responsibilities.

Nothing.

‘’Yoongi? Can you open your eyes for me love?’’

You. Your voice, it brought me back- from wherever I was. It wasn’t fair, I didn’t want to be brought back, and I didn’t want to live up to your expectations, especially when I knew I couldn’t.

‘’What is it? Can’t you people just let me be? I am trying to do my damned work and all you do is get in my way.’’

‘’You aren’t doing your work Yoongi. You’re at home, look around you sweetheart.’’

Sweet words, the honey voice, deep forgiving eyes, damn. It was excruciating, looking at you staring down at me, almost like a damn angel, my angel- just for me. Even if I pushed you away, made you spend months alone, never replied back to your texts on time- every mistake I’d ever committed, you let it slide.

Every time.

Telling me you loved me, telling me that you’d be fine without me, letting me make love to you when I came home- even though there were words to be said first, discussions, conversations waiting on the side-lines of our love.

But was it really love? Or was it pity? Did you feel sorry for me? Trapped in a meaningless relationship, all by yourself- just waiting for me to turn my head around and give you the time of day. That’s all that it had become, my love wasn’t enough. It wasn’t what you deserved. A single whispered confession, perhaps the tiniest fraction of what I felt for you was the most that I could offer- on the days that I could sneak into bed behind you, relish in your presence for the shortest interval of time. I was selfish, taking from you whenever I could and not bothering to give anything back. You deserved diamonds and jewels, laughter and love and most importantly- you deserved time.

‘’You’re so annoying…let me sleep.’’ I said, sitting up. It had to be done. Today. You needed to be set free. Enough was enough.

‘’Maybe…but I love you.’’ You pecked my cheek and giggled, turning around to grab a tray- laden with what looked like soup. My stomach rumbled at the sight and I almost forgot every thought that had crossed my mind that evening.

Almost.

Dipping the spoon into the bowl you tore your eyes away from mine, as if you were trying to distract yourself from the tears pooling in your ducts. ‘’Namjoon dragged you here you know, you started hyperventilating inside the studio and then fainted on the floor. Jungkook was so scared.’’

‘’So what? I am tired, I havent slept in days. I fainted. Big deal. Maybe if people left me alone I could actually get some work done and not have to worry about not meeting deadlines.’’ I said, pushing the tray aside as I stood up, my knees wobbling with every step I took.

‘’We were worried Yoongi…’’ your voice faltered as you spoke, emotion dripping from every word.

‘’Yeah well…calm down. I am not a child.’’

‘’But I care for you. And I want you to be healthy…so if you could just maybe…’’ you stood up, the tray perched in your hands as the tears started to fall. I’d done it again. Made you cry. But this was the last time. One final shot of pain and it’d be over.

‘’Maybe what? Honestly. Get off my back. You’re my girlfriend, not my mother. In fact right now, I don’t want you at all. Don’t you have a life other than caring for me? Nothing to do at work these days huh? I can’t keep up with you. With what you want, with these expectations I know you have. It’s so superficial, this relationship, it isn’t working. I don’t have time for this. And if anything it’s just dragging me down.’’

Bullshit.

Every word id just spurted out was complete garbage. You weren’t on my back at all, you’d always given me space. Your job, was probably more demanding than mine, but you’d never brought your work life between us. Never pushed me aside for something more important. I was jealous of your skills, how you could love so selflessly, love with all your heart even if your mind was occupied with something else. But worst of all, you had never dragged me down, instead, you raised me to heights I couldn’t keep up with.

‘’Really? That’s what you think huh?’’

The soup tray was placed onto the table and you held your hands in your own, face pointing to the ground. It was like I was scolding you and you just listened. Goddamnnit. Why would you agree to everything I’d just say? You were supposed to make this easy on my sentient, kick and scream and put up a fight. It would be easier to deal with your anger, your tears however were knives to my heart.

‘’Do you have no conscience? You literally just nod your head to everything I say? Is that how desperate you are for this relationship? Why? You think you won’t last without it?’’ I scoffed as I spoke, unable to keep the shiver from escaping into my voice.

‘’Do you love me?’’

It was a whisper. Words spoken so softly they competed against the silence that surrounded the room.

‘’No. I am over you.’’

Lies. Nothing more than lies.

‘’Then why are you crying Yoongi?’’

I saw you walk around to where I stood, and felt your hands touch my shoulders- in an attempt to turn me around. Your voice shook with emotion, and your fingers felt cold against the rips in my sweatshirt. A contrast to the warmth they usually emitted. ‘’A day. Tomorrow. Only to ourselves. That’s all I ask of you. One day.’’

‘’One day isn’t going to change anything, we’re done. I’d rather you not be pathetic and sappy over the whole thing. We aren’t working out and its best we stop right here.’’ I needed to clarify things, to make it simple for the both of us.

‘’I’ll be ready tomorrow- by 11. If you think I deserve the one day I am asking for; you will be too.’’

2.

‘’Whatever you have planned out for us, it doesn’t change the fact that we’re over and that I need to get back to work. I have comeback to prepare for, one that requires me to put my best foot forward. I need to go back to the studio as soon as possible.’’

It was insane. I hadn’t slept all night, it was almost impossible to. Your scent lingered all over my bed, sweet strawberries and sugar gracing my pillow and teasing me to no end. I needed to change the sheets but I couldn’t bring myself to move, to rid my room of your presence. One more night. Just one more and tomorrow, id whitewash the whole damn place of your existence. I deserved just one more night to bask in you.

‘’I know you have a comeback. We’re going to the studio and you’re going into your studio to rehearse. Its work and it’s a priority.’’

You were chirpy and radiant, dressed in white shorts and the cutest of black shirts id ever laid eyes on. A damned spring day would look repulsive in front of you. Had you gone shopping? I hadn’t even noticed, much like most of things Id ignored about you. It was going to be torture, keeping my hands away, spilling hatred your way when you looked so damn delectable.

~~~~~~~~~

The drive to headquarters was calm, your hand clasped in mine as if we hadn’t just fought yesterday, as if everything was sunshine and rainbows. Except it never was, and probably never would be. I shouldn’t have threaded your fingers with my own, shouldn’t have rested our palms on my thigh as I stared at you. But I did.

And I broke just a little more when I saw the tear drop onto your cheeks.

‘’I won’t be coming out for another hour at the least, and I don’t have time for whatever you’ve planned for us. It better not be a stupid date, I don’t do shit like that.’’

‘’Take your time Yoong…do your thang okay?’’ You reached onto your tiptoes and ruffled my hair, an action that shouldn’t have sent me onto the edge, shouldn’t have made me want to bury myself under your calming touch. And you giggled, fucking giggled as I bent down to let you do as you pleased, you knew I was putty at your hands and damn your sly ways, you knew how to use me.

It had been an hour, or maybe three. I was stuck inside the four walls I cherished most, working, playing, composing- distracting myself with work that was supposed to be a task to complete. Where were you? And why the hell would you want to spend a day with me only to walk away and leave me in my own damn studio. My mind spun as I wrote bars of music on the notepad.

‘’Yoongi! I have food!’’

You pushed your way into my space, as if it were your own... bringing in mounds of mouth-watering meat and god knows what else besides.

‘’They’re your favourites Min, all of them freshly prepared.’’

When you had decided to climb into my lap, I had no idea. Perching your tight bottom onto my lap as you shimmed your way into a more comfortable position.

The food didn’t seem too important anymore.

‘’Open up now…’’ you said, digging the plastic spoon into the noodles as you imitated your command, hot little mouth tugging into a smirk as I did as you told. I swallowed the bite and you placed your lips over mine, tongue diving into my mouth without any warning.

‘’Hmmm…that sauce is really yummy.’’

You winked.

Right as you sat in my lap, arms strewn across my neck and the taste of my mouth on your lips as you spoke. My length stirred in my trousers and I gulped visibly. This wasn’t fair play.

With every bite, there was a kiss, a tease and my eyes refused to leave your own your hands playing with my ears, stroking them softly. I was speechless and you knew it.

‘’Yoongi Hyung…we need that demo track-‘’ Jimin burst through the curtains and I cursed under my breath. Not a moment of peace, and fuck if he saw my hard on it would be a nightmare with all that mocking. ‘’Oh…Noona! I didn’t know you were here? It’s been so long since we’ve seen you. Hyung hardly ever lets you come over. Hes always so busy. Tch Tch…the man never seems to have the time of day does he?’’

Jimin giggled and I felt you stiffen, my eyes widening at his words.

He’d noticed too. He knew the tales of my negligence, knew how I never stopped to love you.

Everyone knew.

Except me.

I didn’t deserve a last chance, but you, you deserved so much more in life, and I was prepared to give it to you.

‘’Get off my lap and get out of here. I don’t ever want to see you in the studio again.’’

Your gasp and silent approval was all that lay around us, my heart bleeding at whimpers that came from your own.

Part 2

[lets-pretend-i-exist]

Yesterday I earnestly but calmly tried to explain to my eldest brother that I don’t want my dad at any of my future life events, let alone my two-guest-limit graduation. I mentioned that I’ve concluded his impact on my life over the last ten years has been a net negative, something I couldn’t tell to anyone else, and my brother gently but firmly disagreed.

He said I would appreciate more when I’m older/wiser/moved out/etc how difficult it is to not have the “tangible and intangible support” of living with parents while studying. I didn’t say it, but although my parents both earn money and my dad is technically the breadwinner, I would rather have had a single-mother household than whatever sorry excuse for parenting my dad has perpetuated. And push come to shove, I could’ve moved out, worked more and studied part time if I’d needed to. I would’ve been perfectly capable; I’m a low-impact household member.

I don’t think it’s fair, both in the context of the current economic climate and my own family, to say: “you should be grateful your parent didn’t force you out before you could reasonably support yourself long term.” I don’t think it’s fair to say: “you would have been worse off without the presence of a highly volatile, disruptive, malevolent figure in the household because your schedule would have been different.”

I probably wouldn’t have had to go to therapy while studying? I wouldn’t have had to drop everything and conform to a study/life schedule that doesn’t suit me purely for the arbitrary benefit of someone else? I wouldn’t have been constantly balancing my mental health on the knife’s edge of someone else’s instability? What the fuck kind of intangible benefit would that have yielded? One can only imagine.

The worst part, as always and maybe unexpectedly from the outside, is the highs. I always half-convince myself that I was exaggerating how bad things were. A lifetime of gaslighting, a lifetime of pandering to people on the outside looking in through distorted rosy windows. I smile benignly at jokes that aren’t funny, that I’ve heard a hundred, a thousand times. I refuse gifts and favours, knowing the hand that feeds can so quickly be the hand that holds a gun to your head: ungrateful bitch, selfish little shit, you’ll never know… I think, maybe that was just a dream, the otherworldly under-lighting of dreams turning mortal men into monsters of terrifying heights. Echoes of the quotidian eroding my head as they twist and transform beyond recognition.

And inevitably, things turn. The gun appears and his benign tone changes into something harsh and splintered, spitting vitriol and the old insults that still cut too deep. Things are thrown at walls and I wait in the wings — yes dad no dad yes dad I’ll do it dad leave it alone dad it’s fine dad — to clean up messes and muddle my way through deadlines and responsibilities that don’t care about the madman living in my house.

It would’ve been a simple trade, an easy trade, if I had been pushed. Money and time for peace and control. Isn’t that what therapy tries to do?

Last year I needed a simple extension and didn’t know what excuse to use, how to explain I’m working during the day and all weekend because I need the money long term and the time out is the only thing keeping me sane and when I get home I can’t work in my room because my dad is yelling at the top of his lungs and throwing things and I can’t go to the library like last year because he gets worse if I’m not home to help out without a reason but studying isn’t a reason and I can’t work in the night because that’s asking for trouble I can’t spare. I’d said migraines the semester before, which was true in a manner of speaking, so this semester when I was asked I typed absently for a few minutes and what came out was: “I’m working a lot and my dad tested positive for COVID and is isolating.” I knew it was wishful thinking. I got the extension.

All this to say, when it comes down to it, I’m not easily persuaded in the mid to long term. This phone call with my brother had me questioning things, but my dad had already lost his shit at meaningless non-stressful things twice by evening, sworn his head off at me when he was really angry at someone else, and capped it off with ordering me twice before 11pm to go to bed for weightless reasons. Lack of sanity, lack of respect, lack of ability to mind his own fucking business. As usual. I remain unsurprised but disappointed and ashamed of my own constant optimism after two, three hours of — not positive, per se — benign contact or presence somewhere in the vicinity.

Long term, I know he can’t be trusted. I know I don’t want him at my events or having a say in the important moments and decisions of my life. The impact of his money does not outweigh the unadulterated chaos he has brought into every aspect of my life and the disastrous effect this has had on my mental and physical wellbeing, both in dealing with him and trying to keep my shit together enough that people don’t generally know it’s happening. I know, in my moments of deepest and calmest clarity, that I am better in every way when he is not a factor.

[the314anoman]

2018 sucked

it was probably the shittiest year of my life, and that’s not an easy title to claim. let’s recap:

it all started way back in early january, when our subway came under new ownership and we got a new manager, who had worked there for a shorter period than i had (yeah, i was part-time working during college, she was full-time, but w/e) and it all went downhill fast. our manager wasn’t bad, she just was just trying to deal with all the new regulations we were facing and the fact that we were Massively Understaffed™ for being located in a fucking mall. like, for contrast, our old managers let us get away with not turning the line coolers off at night if we were really busy, but under the new owners, we had to clean the legs of tables to get the salt of them. i decided to quit in march after having minors stay and help me close even though they were off the clock since they were required to punch out at 9:30 and still getting yelled at for staying too long and not making everything Perfect. it was so stressful trying to work both faster and harder, so i quit. then, college got out in april and i was looking for internships all over and applying everywhere, but i never got even so much as an interview request. so, june came and i just said “fuck it” and applied to other subways closer to home. ended up getting an interview the next day at a different subway, 2 miles from the old one. i got the job and starting working to find out the subway was also Massively Understaffed™ but the manager was more chill, so it seemed fine. turns out the reason the manager was chill is that he was high. like, all the time. this resulted in him having the memory of a goldfish. like, i specifically told him and his assistant manager that i couldn’t work one day and yet he still called asking where i was when i very plainly explained it twice. and he also scheduled a meeting on the day i request off for my niece’s baptism. at 8am. on a sunday. at the same time, i managed to get an interview at a local factory. it wasn’t really an internship nor in my field, but it was a job and it paid $12/hr so i was like, hell yeah, why not. i managed to get the job and started july 1st, which was great, buuuuuut... the job was super boring; it was pretty much doing the same repetitive tasks over and over again for 7.5 hours a day while ~~listening~~ being subjected to country music. BUT, we got 3 breaks a day and it was nice having a chill job. i came up with a lot of really good writing ideas for a novel that’s been a super long wip because my mind was mostly free during work since it was so repetitive. at this time, i’m still working at subway, mostly weekends and some 5-close shifts. i’m not getting a whole lot of sleep and so that probably explains what happens on july 25th, probably the single shittiest day of my life. i get into the factory and the normal manager is gone on vacation and one of my coworkers is taking over. she tells me that i’ve been missing the least important step in the process of making some parts that i’ve been doing for days now. so naturally, i mess it up a couple more times, but only when she’s watching, because ofc. this happens 3 times and the third time i kind of chuckle to myself because i’m literally only doing it when she’s watching. she takes this to mean i’m laughing at her and yells at me about how i think it’s a joke and blah blah blah, like that’s not what i meant at all but she won’t let me explain. THEN, i get out of work and i’m already on the verge of tears because i have a migraine from lack of sleep and i hate getting yelled at, and i see a text i got while at work (we’re not allowed phones on our person at all at the factory. national security stuff apparently) that my grandma is in the hospital and not going to make it. i just... lose it. i go home and just sit outside on a chair, cuddling my cat and gross sobbing for the first time i can recall. i’m supposed to work a 5-9 shift at subway tonight, but i am not in any state to work. i call them through tears saying i can’t work tonight, i’m visiting my grandma in the hospital in muskegon, an hour away. she’s unconscious when i get there. she dies an hour later, while me and my family are eating dinner downstairs in the basement where there’s no signal. eventually tomorrow comes. it’s now july 26th, which if you know me, is my birthday. my 21st birthday, in fact. you know how for most people, their 21st is the best day of your life? yeah, it was one of the worst for me. i still had to get up at 6am for the factory work, then run home, get changed, and work 5-9 at subway. the only bright spot were two helpful coworkers. one from the factory gave me a butterscotch shot, saying you should still try and enjoy your birthday and my subway coworker bought a hershey pie for me and gave me a hug and some helpful advice. (she had been through a similar experience with her mom passing, so she knew a lot about grief.) i took her advice on letting yourself be happy and decided to go to my friends’ meetup that weekend, which i had requested off from subway previously. it’s a while away, but this was planned a long time ago and i don’t get to see my college friends in the summer other than this, so i’m not missing this. but, when i’m almost there i get a call from subway insisting that i work this weekend to make up for missing my 4 hour shift yesterday. i’m furious because i missed it for legitimate reasons and i was already over 2 hours away and i was NOT driving back. (the reason they’re insisting is because they don’t want to pay my coworker overtime, despite the fact she’s living in a trailer park only off her subway income, too.) they say they might have to fire me and i’m like, sure, i have another job and i already put in my 2 weeks lol. so i go there and try to forget this whole week ever happened. the funeral is on monday, the factory gives me it off so i can attend. there’s lots of tears. lots and lots. my grandma touched a lot of people’s lives; she’s one of the kindest people i’ve ever known. she probably would have supported my sexuality if i ever told her, i regret not doing so earlier. i come back to my factory job on tuesday, and as if the universe is answering some unanswered “could things get any worse?” the hiring manager informs me i’m fired, as if it had to be july 31st, to add to the shithole that july 2018 was. this was a temp position to begin with, and i was leaving in a couple weeks anyway, but this is just another blow to an already grieving 21-year-old. i may have just lost both my jobs and my grandmother in the span of 7 days. i leave the factory and get in my car and just. scream. time passes. the pain of july slowly fades from a roaring inferno all over my body to a dull pulsing. good things start to happen again. i move into an apartment with 3 friends, get a job at the theatre after a lot of paperwork issues, i make the cut for an a capella group and find new friends, develop a crush on someone (something i haven’t really had since high school - but that’s a story for another time), and actually start getting my shit together. things are definitely looking up, despite the fact i had the worst month of life a couple months ago. ...and then comes december, as if it’s trying to challenge july to a battle for shittiest month ever. final exams are coming up, i spend a lot of the previous week leading up to exams rehearsing for performances (i had 4 performances in a week’s span), not much studying could be done. not that studying would help that much, as we would see, but w/e. i ended up forgetting my book with all the important formulas and relationships in it that are too complex to memorize, so i completely bombed that final, and therefore failed the whole class. i’m already having to take an extra semester, failing this class does NOT help. i barely stayed above a 3.0 gpa, a requirement for most internships. on the same day we got final grades back, my mom got a call saying my grandpa had died, only a week before christmas. my whole family went back up to do the whole funeral thing again. we are getting awfully familiar with this nursing home (my mom lost both her parents and an uncle in 5 months). finally, on new year’s eve i decide it’s either now or never to admit my feelings, so i ask my crush out. i get rejected, which is mostly what i expected, but it still knocks the wind out of me. so yeah, 2018 was super extra shitty for me. but at the same time, i feel like i’ve grown a lot as a person. i’ve made a bunch of new friends, gained a niece, learned a lot about pain, and done a lot of things i never thought i’d do. hell, i had the balls to ask a guy out, which was something that frightened me to my core. i went on a trip to dc and learned more about the injustices happening here, i went camping/hiking with friends, and went tubing behind a boat. so, i’m not gonna pretend it’s all bad.

[rose-goldthoughts]

Rambling...

I’m sad and on & off angry. My thoughts are all over. i was to vent abut it from yesterday but I didn’t. Ive been in so much pain first the ovarian cyst then my period plus my usual fibromyalgia and uctd pain. I got so upset today when lyn cam by and asked what was wrong I said “in pain and grumpy” then he jokingly replied that I basically always am, and my mom added to the joke stating this is what she has to deal with. imagine SHE has to deal with. I know they were joking but fuck it it wasn’t the time or place Im literally suffering trying to keep my fucking shit together and do every fucking thing a regular person is to do in addition to my many physical and mental ailments ,,,lost my fucking train of thought crying.... :/ [[a moment of brain fog]] Ye I just wish for one day an entire 24 hours, everyone that is of some importance to me in life would experience all and I mean ALL the symptoms I have EVER had at my worst, from my illness. I mean they get the vasculitis, tinnitus, paresthesia, the burning skin, itching, fever, crippling migraine, costochondritis, raynauds, swelling, paralysis, hypersensitivity to sound and light, the allodynia, the hyperalgesia, gastrointestinal discomforts, vertigo, hair loss, brain fog, anxiety, depression, fevers, olfactory hallucination, everything else and dont forget side effects from the fuck ton of medication and etc. I wish for 24 hours they could all experience that shit at it’s worse AND be expected to wake up go to work and function “normally” and deal with persons saying “you look like death” “ what’s wrong?” “you are too young to be sick” and the barrage of other questions and comments. OH and don’t forget all the suddenly qualified experts that always know the “cure” be it exercise, some natural herb/plant, vitamin, or some other shit that they are oh so confident will cure your illness because ye it is that simple. Sounds cruel huh? ye I thought so too, but I just want them to have it for only 24 hours  don’t ant them to die obviously or have any long term effects (other than knowledge/understanding) after the 24 hour period, they would go back to complete normality after  that. I think that would have them understand what it is like to struggle, feel alone, suffer and constantly fight both mentally and physically just to cope with life. I often wish this shit was terminal, just hear that “ you have 6 months to a year “ speech,  at least I could look forward to an “end”