#I had a horrifying fact to myself the other day that was 'if I break 4 in the marathon im going to run an ultra'

[bsaka7]

that dude eating a stroopwafel at hockey halftime (?). i do always wonder about fuel in pro sports

[kairiscorner]

looks like someone put a pause on the grumpiness ; )

(reblogs are greatly appreciated, it helps get my content out there! if you guys like what you see, please reblog it too <:D)

miguel x grumpy reader pt. 2

(part 1)

surprisingly, you were quite calm for the past few days. you seldom got annoyed at everyone, in fact, you seemed a little nicer. everyone was more horrified of you being nicer than usual than the classic, snappy image of you that they were so used to seeing.

you had a smile on more often, it unsettled a lot of people, but when they found out you were genuinely happier, they couldn't have been any more relieved. they didn't know what changed in you that you were suddenly a more friendly, more approachable person than before, but they didn't need to know.

miguel, of course, was very aware of what changed; and he was falling for that version of you as each and every day passed by.

behind closed doors, you were a goofy, beautifully emotional mess in front of miguel. you would change your expression and demeanor on the dime when it was necessary, can't have everyone think you didn't care about work anymore; but you liked letting loose every once in a while, especially when it came to the man who, once feared you greatly, now loves you wholly.

you two tried to keep your little "companionship" under wraps, sometimes some random spider person would catch you two together and think that you two would snap each other's necks off, but no, you two would just talk. and smile at each other. that was a scarier sight, so they'd just walk or swing off and pretend they saw nothing, it wasn't their business, anyway.

"feels good being feared, huh?" miguel asked you with a chuckle as he looked into your eyes, taking in how breathtaking you look, right in front of him; flashing him the sweetest smile he'd ever be treated to in his entire life. "you like being respected like the scary little spider you are?" he teased as he ran a hand through your hair, his smile widening all the while as he heard you giggle.

"it is quite... fun to have them run away or straighten up when i enter the room. it used to be offensive, but i wear the impressions they have of me as badges of honor." you expressed with exaltation, kind of a little too proud that you were well respected, at least in your perspective, at HQ. you loved being a leader, you hated it when others griped or disobeyed your orders, let alone someone else tell you what to do; and you took no nonsense none of the time.

recently, you were more lenient with your leading style--you gave the spider people under your leadership some breathing room, gave them more breaks, you barked less orders at them. you always gave constructive criticism and proper advice on how to wrap up missions neatly; you just always struggled with delivery, you weren't exactly the best people person, but you had a big heart, even if you kept it hidden away from many eyes.

miguel sighed in contentment as he leaned closer towards you, a small pink hue dashing his cheeks. "i do seem to find myself a little attracted to someone who can keep up with my style of leadership. someone who knows what they want and won't back down until they get it just the way they want it." he muttered as you felt his breath hot against your face, your noses nearly brushing over each others, which sent a shock up your spine, causing you to sit up straighter, and to blush a deep red shade.

"i know you're smitten with me, o'hara, i just didn't think you'd be, what was the term? ah, masochi-" you were cut off as he put a finger on your lips, laughing to himself softly. "i'm just simply admiring a strong, capable, scary comrade." he said as he rubbed the tip of his finger over your soft lips.

you chuckled back. "that tickles." you commented as his finger rested on your lower lip. before either of you could do anything else, lyla appeared in between the two of you, looking smug and snarky as usual.

"hey lovebirds, anyway, stop being like a married couple for a minute and check this out." she said as she pulled up a slideshow of pictures of another universe your most recent team was sent to. they were tied up in their own webs and the villain was causing mass destruction, civilians running away every which way, it was utter madness.

miguel sighed and cursed under his breath in spanish as the your bottom eyelid twitched as you continued smiling as if nothing were wrong.

"this is what i get for being too nice, apparently." you grumble as you headed off to get your equipment. but before you could even go, miguel gently grabbed hold of your wrist, looking at you with soft eyes. "regardless of what trouble they get in, or how much destruction is out there... you're always a great leader. it wasn't your fault for being more lenient, they should've been more responsible and organized. okay? you're doing amazing already as you are, querida." he said as he tucked a lock of stray hair behind your ear, caressing your cheek as his palm found its way down your face.

you smiled at his comforting words, it took your anger away by a smidge and reassured you a whole lot more than you expected it to. "okay. thank you, miggy." you thanked him as you gave him a peck on the cheek and grinned as you walked off to get your equipment, leaving in your wake a flustered mess of miguel.

he leaned against his desk and grinned widely, lyla taking pictures of his astonished self as he takes in the softness of your lips, the sweetness and reality of your kiss on his cheek.

you gave your team a stern and firm talking-to about following protocol, the plan, and not straying away from the team to please their own ego. you did some screaming, but they weren't complaining; they didn't do as you said, and they got themselves tangled up in that mess.

but as you were chewing them out, miguel came by and petrified every single one of them with his signature, cold gaze. "think they learned their lesson?" he asked you with his hands on his hips as he peered at you. "i'm hoping they did." you said as you looked at him with your arms crossed on your chest.

after a few seconds of you two playing the angry parents card, you and miguel cracked into smiling faces and laughed a little at how scary you were both being in front of these guys. you dismissed them with a warning, and you sighed.

"you did a great job paralyzing them with your gaze, grumpy mcgrumpface." you teased miguel as he looked at you with a grin. "not as much as how you were raising your voice to get your point across, the scary grumpspider." he retorted playfully as he moved closer to you, facing you and taking in all your beauty.

"i love you." he mutters as you mutter an 'i love you, too' back at him. he closed the distance between you two with a soft kiss, it was simple, it was sweet, it was short; but he told you everything he felt, had ever felt, and will ever feel in that brief kiss he planted on your lovely lips.

"can't believe grumpy mcgrumpface has such good kissing skills." you remarked as you ran your finger over your lips. he chuckled as he cupped your face in his hands. "wanna see how far i can go with those skills, oh scary grumpspider?"

a/n: this was supposed to be angst, but this is your canon event with him <333

tags !! @miguelswifey04

[obligatoryjauneblog]

Twins AU: Mother Knows Best

Bit of a sequel to this piece, credit to @pilot-boi for this AU and the lore.

She found him out in the dunes, sat on top of one and eyeing the setting sun. She only heard snippets of what transpired, dragged through a realm of madness but little else other than the fact her son came back... changed. It was horrifying to think how much it reminded her of the old wizard.

She landed a bit to his side, spreading her wings before closing them again. For a bit they just sat there, neither saying or even so much as looking to the side. Until Yin decided to break the silence.

Jaune: ... Finally decided to be a mother, Raven?

She shifted out of that form, crossing her legs and laying her blade on her lap. She brought it into the sand and pushed herself up. She was pulled back down by her son.

Jaune: W-wait!

Raven finally turned to look at him. How could someone so young look so old. She wanted to look anywhere else. She saw too much of Tai at his worst in him.

Jaune: Does it get easier...?

Raven: Does what?

Jaune: Taking a life.

Raven raised an eyebrow, out of both of her children she expected Yang to be the one to ask her that.

Raven: It's not meant to be easier, Yin.

Jaune: Yet it is to you.

Raven: And what makes you say that.

Jaune: You tried to kill an infant after all.

She walked into that one, closing her eyes as she tried not to give a reaction.

Jaune: Then again how different am I really... I killed one of my sister's best friend...

Jaune wrapped his arms around his knees, laying his head down. Raven reached out, but her arm froze before she could touch him.

Raven: Gods, I'm bad at this...

Raven: When was this?

Jaune: During the trek from Atlas... she, she was wounded. Begged me to take her life, so Cinder couldn't take her power...

Raven: So a mercy kill then?

Jaune: Does that make it any better?

To Jaune's surprise, he heard Raven laugh.

Raven: You really are your father's son.

Jaune: Pardon?

Raven: He and I, we had a mission... Routine search and rescue in rural Vale, got their just in time, but the Grimm were far more than we expected...

She closed her eyes, hearing Tai yell her name.

Raven: The one we were sent to rescue, Beowolf got to her. We managed to repel the horde, but our medkit wasn't enough, and we were too far from any hospital... She, she looked at us and knew that was it, asking us to end the pain.

Raven gripped her sword, laying it across her lap.

Raven: Your father was the one to do it. Her last words were thank you. I don't think he ever stopped beating himself up over that.

Jaune: Do my sisters know...?

Raven: No, but you understand why I told you?

Jaune: Yeah.. Yeah I think I do...

The sun was fully setting as the silence returned. Raven got up, stretching her arms.

Jaune: Do you think this was enough for forgiveness?

Raven: I never said I came for forgiveness... I came as... a concerned mother.

Jaune didn't even respond.

Raven: I know it'll take ye-

Jaune: It's not me you need to ask for forgiveness.

Raven: Excuse me?

Jaune got up, turning to face her fully.

Jaune: My sisters spent a few days in the Ever After, I... I spent a lifetime at least in there. Decades stewing in my own anger, my anger at Cinder, at you, at myself...

Raven: Yin...

Jaune: I managed to let go of many things in there. You abandoning me was one of them... What I can't forgive is what you did to my sister. You want us to be family? Start there.

He started walking down the sands, heading towards town.

Jaune: Goodbye, Raven.

She waited until he was out of ear shot.

Raven: Goodbye... son...

[hollowhearts-and-espresso]

on an outsiders kick so heres the main gang as things me and my friends have said

Soda: Your wish is my command. Be gay forever

Steve: I'm still straight but I'd fuck you now

Soda: Not that gay

--

Darry: I dont really like you. Why are you always hanging around?

Dally: I ask myself the same thing every single day

--

Pony: I know we're supposed to be saying embarrassing things about ourselves but before we talk about me i'm really upset Two-Bit didnt mention the fact that he was in love with thomas the train

Two-Bit: i watched ONE episode when i was FIVE go fuck yourself

Pony: You have a shrine by your bed

Two-Bit: irrelevant

--

Johnny: I'm not really scared of anything, no

Johnny: but cats freak me out. and so do dogs, sometimes, but mainly cats. and especially ducks. oh, and needles, and doctors in general. also loud noises, sharp objects near me, any sort of projectile, and stoves. but like, thats not that many things

Dally: I understand so much about you now

--

Pony: I'm going to write a novel and all of you are gonna have characters based off you. Any questions about it?

Two-Bit: Am I hot?

Pony: No. Next question

Darry: Am I going to regret reading this?

Pony: For sure. Next.

Johnny: Please dont make me a crybaby

Pony: You shouldnt read this. Next

Steve: Can me and Soda date?

Pony: You already are. Next

Soda: Can me and Steve not date?

Pony: Too late. You know you love him. Next

Dally: You're going to make my character really deep, arent you?

Pony: Possibly. Havent decided yet. Anything else?

Johnny: Is Dally as hot in the book as he really is?

Pony: I'll no longer be taking questions because I'm extremely uncomfortable, but on second thought, you might really like this book

--

Two-Bit, upon walking in on Steve and Soda cuddling: I leave for FIVE minutes and i'm left out of fucking everything. all the fucking time. i hate everyone in this house

Steve: Do you want to lay with us?

Soda: Yeah, come lay with us

Two-Bit, practically dropping himself on them: I'm still mad at you

--

Dally: For some reason Ponyboy is really obsessed with the idea of me being really soft inside and just not showing it so I dont get hurt. I think he wants me to be narrative foils with our other friend too

Dally: How do i tell him i'd change the narrative doom him if i could and feel no remorse without crushing that hope in him

--

Pony: I like to think its a secret but me and everyone around me knows im writing a slowburn, hes only soft to him trope, slight enemies to lovers fanfiction about Johnny and Dally in my head

Dally: the term fanfiction implies i have fans

Johnny: i'm a fan of you

Pony, whispering: they practically write it themselves

--

Dally: Here, i stole this. dont ask questions, just take it

Darry, taking the sleeping pigeon that Dally just handed him with a mildly horrified expression: where did you get this?

Dally: i told you i'd bring back souvenirs from my field trip. no more questions

--

Johnny: Not many people like me.

Johnny: its probably because im kind of a pussy, but i like to tell myself its because i'm annoying because at least then im not calling myself a pussy

Dally: Wait, wait. Who doesnt like you?

Johnny: Huh? Why does it matter?

Dally: No reason. Just, like, give me an example

Pony, in the kitchen and hears all of this: *puts the knives in the cabinet where Dally wont look for them* I dont really want to have to bail anyone out again

--

Soda, to Darry: I think Steve is kind of in love with me, but I really dont want to have to break it to him that I dont feel the same

Steve, with Soda in his lap: *stops playing with Sodas hair* What?

Soda: Nothing, baby, you're fine

Darry: I will never understand you

--

yes, one of my friends did bring a live pigeon back from a field trip. it slept a lot, and we'd hold him all the time while he slept and he'd stay asleep when we passed him around because we had to move. i hope he wasnt sick and is doing okay

[goatcheesecak3]

HELLO I HAVE A REQUEST

WOULD IT BE OKAY IF U WROTE SPECS X TRANS GUY READER???

like maybe reader comes out to specs and theres just a whole lotta fluff?

it totally okay if no ofc have a good day :)

Coming out

Specs x Ftm!reader

Warnings: none

Fic type: fluff

Summary: you come out to your boyfriend, Specs

A/n hello! This was such a sweet request! I'm not a trans guy myself, so I hope I did the experience justice! Also I should preface with the fact that I hc specs as being autistic, so there's indirect references to that in here too :^)

"Uh.. specs?" You said, nervously approaching your boyfriend.

Specs was sat hunched over at his desk, painting a warhammer figure in excruciating detail.

"Uh huh?" He said without looking up.

"I need to talk to you about something important"

Specs turned to look at you, his face seemingly concerned- although you could never really get a great read on what his facial expressions meant, he wasn't very good at non verbal cues.

With a deep breath, fumbling with your hands anxiously you bit the bullet and told him the truth that you'd been hiding.

"I think - no - I KNOW, I'm not a girl. I'm a man." You blew out, puffing your cheeks up, realising how hot your face got when you were nervous, "I'm a transgender man and I can't pretend I'm not anymore".

When you were met with silence, you slowly dared to make eye contact with specs, terrified that you would be faced with a horrified look on his face. Instead, his expression was entirely neutral.

"Approximately 1.03% of adults in the U.S identify as transgender" he replied calmly.

Your face twisted in bewilderment, what the hell kind of response was that?!

"Is that your only take away?" You said, sounding a little less afraid, but a lot more confused.

Specs began to chew absent mindedly on his paintbrush for a second, looking up to the ceiling in thought, before looking back at you.

"Would you like to start borrowing my clothes?"

To anyone else, this might have seemed like an incredibly mundane response, but you knew specs very well. As a rule, he NEVER let other people wear his clothes, he had very strict rules for how he liked his clothes to feel and he didn't trust that other people wearing them wouldn't "taint" that clean feeling. But here he was, so willing to to make an exception in the rule for you, just to let you know that he approved. Specs wasn't the best with the overly gooey romantic stuff, but in all honesty this meant a lot more.

"So I take it you're okay with this?" You said, cracking a small smile

"I was unaware that you were asking for my permission" specs replied, seeming far more taken aback by this than your "shocking" revelation.

You let out a small laugh and approached him, letting him gently wrap his arms around you.

"You know this would mean that I'd be your boyfriend now, and not your girlfriend, right?" You asked, making sure everything was clarified properly.

"Of course. I might not understand all the ins and outs of this at first, but we can learn as we go. You know how much I love learning new things," specs looked up at you, his eyes full of love, "as long as you're happy. I love you"

You smiled down, enjoying the tender moment.

"I love you too"

The two of you held eachother in a comforting embrace for a minute or so, and when the moment passed, specs was the one to break the silence.

"Uh... when I said you can borrow my clothes.. my socks are still off limits. I've seen the way you treat yours"

You let out a small chuckle and kissed the top of his head

"Alright babe, it's a deal"

[teruel-a-witch]

thinking about how danny spent very little time with steve before he (correctly) deduced that he suffered a lot of parental neglect ('you weren't hugged as a child, were you?'). of course, steve's knee-jerk response is to deny that because people who had an abnormal childhood don't realise it wasn't the norm because it's the only life they knew, only when they tell a 'funny' story that is met with a horrified look of someone who grew up in a well-adjusted family that they are confronted with the uncomfortable truth: that the perfect 'childhood' they lost after the trauma wasn't so perfect after all.

the fact that steve was only angry because of abandonment and not the cold bootcamp way he was raised shows he didn't know any better. even when he had a mother she wasn't the kissing-a-skinned-knee-better kind. it would still take years of therapy and gentle coaxing from danny for him to unpack all of that.

i can imagine many a time steve probably shared what he thought was an amusing 'anecdote' from his childhood only for danny to go all compassionate 'aw, babe' on him.

'what's the story behind this scar?'

'oh, it's kind of a funny one, i was playing outside by myself and heard pathetic whining nearby. turned out a stray dog fell into a construction pit. poor gal couldn't get out on her own so i climbed down to get her out, except my hand landed on a piece of rebar and... well. it was a kind of deep cut, but clean, i couldn't stitch it up by myself yet because i was seven so i put some antiseptic on it and waited for my mom to come home from work. it hurt a lot but i didn't cry because my mom always said 'big boys don't cry'. when she saw what happened she yelled at me and since it wasn't infected she said there's no need to go to the doctor, sure it would scar without stitching but the scar would remind me to be less clumsy and not to jump into pits willy-nilly. anyway, isn't it funny how clumsy i was when i was 7. why are you looking at me like that?'

it's honestly a wonder steve ended up with such a soft and big heart despite everything, because neglect could have made him cold, selfish, hard, insensitive to the feelings of others because no one cared about his.

instead, steve loves 'fixing broken toys' (literally and figuratively, ex. him gently gluing back the small cat figurine that danny broke) this 'child forgot lessons of love untaught' is surprisingly good at comforting people and being gentle.

there's a reason his big soft heart is what danny loves most about him. because he understands, given his background, how easily steve could have been different, could have perpetuated the cycle instead of breaking it.

truly, he has so much love to give. because no one wanted it from him, he never had anyone to give it to.

he was taught to shove all those soft feelings deep because they are only an obstacle in being a perfect soldier.

and then there's danny who says 'i'll take it, give it all to me, i want it, it doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong, that's why I love you, babe', and steve can finally pour all that love he's had pent up into someone, show his gooey centre without fear of being stabbed into it.

it is any wonder he decides he is gonna love danny till his dying day. tragically, since no one's taught him what love looks like he never realises danny loves him in return.

[thesnazzysharky]

Dēteriōrātus Voluntās - A Ghost Cow Short Story

TW: Starvation and self cannibalism. AO3 link here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 4 days... 5 days...? Well, I've officially lost count now... My rations have ran out. My bodY thins and weakens as it consumes itself. I'm skin and bones with no meat. I have drunk my own urine out of thirst and gnawed at my fingers and arms for what little bits of food I can obtain. I have not slept since I have settled myself in this room. The room is pitch dark. I have a flashlight, but I do nOt want to turn it on and be horrified at the sight of my own body or potentially something else...

Yet I still remain. I still prevail. Everybody else in the hospital is now dead, I presUme. Except for me. I'm hidden. I'm safe. I'm sane. I'm content with this small, dark, comforting room. Sometimes I hear faint whispering in my ear. Sometimes I hear something walk past the door. Sometimes I hear groaning or wailing under me. Sometimes I feel something touch my shoulder. Sometimes I smell something enticing outside the door. Sometimes see straNge images and visions in the sparse moments where I close my eyes longer than I should. I can't say for certain whEther this is due to lack of sleep or something paranormal, but it doesn't matter to me. None of it matters. I shall stay safe and alive. Safe from the "ghost". I have read or heard of stories of all kinds of monsters, ghosts, and cryptids. Freaky, weird, and potentially dangerous abominations that poor souls would sometimes stumble across. One thing consistent with these stories howeVer, was that these creatures always had a reason for behaving how they did. Sometimes they were acting on purely animalistic instinct. Sometimes they had a strange and alien morality to them. And other times thEy were victims of a tragic past. Not the creature roaming around in the hospital though... no. This creature is something that I have never seen or heard of before. I have seen the things it has done. I have seen how it manipulates otheRs. I have seen how it controls. I have seen how purely sadistic and void of any soul it is.

It's not a ghost. It's not a demon. It's not a monster. It's something else entirely. Something that I can't wrap my head around. I don't know what this thing is, but what I do know is that it's not doing what it does out of any instinctive nature, alien morality, or vengeance for what it had previously gone through. It does not seem to have any big or meaningful goal. It just simply popped up here one day and began causing havoc. It's a petty creature. Made evident by the fact that it chose a hospital of all things to spread misery and suffering in. A place where people should be comforted and helped became a place Where people were tortured and killed. It knows what it's doing. It loves the suffering it's causing. It's doing this purely for fun it seems. Not too unlike a child burning ants with a magnifying glass or tearing the legs off a caterpillar one by one.

I suspect it's searching for mE. To manipulate and control. To cause me agony and delusion. Unfortunately for it, it will never find me. Others have tried ways to get rid of it. Suicide. Radiation machines. Breaking their own fingers or cutting off their hands. Giving themselves concussions. Quitting their jobs. Yet they all still died in the end. Such pathetic idiots. Why did none of them think of the simple and correct solution? Hiding yourself away, somewhere dark and unremarkable at a glance. Never falling asleep, as the creature can't haRm or possess me if I'm always on alert. Staying completely calm, not taking any notice to the odd things you see, hear, smell, or feel. You aren't in any actual danger. In the end, I am victorious. I am resourceful. I am safe. I am content. I am sane. ... I closed my eyes for too long again. I'm not safE in this room.

[juji-han]

Model 110797

→ android!minghao x reader

→ 4.1k words

→ cyber!au

→ language, slight humor, dialogue-heavy, domestic life idk, slow burn

→ For your twenty-first birthday, you are gifted an android by your father, specially designed just for you. 

“Dad… no.” Your phone was cradled between your ear and your shoulder, washing dishes that had been piled up for days. “Hang on, I’m gonna put you on speaker.”

You placed your phone on the counter and pressed the speaker button, your dad’s voice becoming louder, “No use putting me on speaker, I’ve got to go soon- and I’m on speaker. Okay, well, honey, I sent you a gift to your house. But I’ve got to go soon okay? I just wanted to say happy early birthday.”

You scoffed, washing and drying your hands, “Y’know you can come visit me, right? Instead of being an absent shit father who buys me an expensive gift every birthday. I mean, I’m turning twenty-one, doesn’t that mean something to you? Your only daughter is turning twenty-one.”

“Not really. We all turn twenty-one at some point, it just means you’re getting older. Another year around the sun, honey.”

With a sigh, you didn’t respond, hanging up the phone, “Shithead.”

Tomorrow was your twenty-first birthday. And as much as you tried making a point to your father that tomorrow was important for you, it wasn’t. However, getting sympathy from your father was something you’ve never been able to do, even on your birthdays.

A musical tone snapped you out of your thoughts, your doorbell, and three hard knocks on your door.

Taking in a deep breath, you tried calming yourself down. If this was the gift your dad was talking about, you were gonna be pissed. What kind of expensive yet useless thing did he think of getting you now?

Another three hard knocks made you exhale quickly, “Alright. Don’t break my door now, jeez…”

You unlocked the door, swinging it open quickly.

There stood a large box and a delivery worker with a tablet in hand. He stepped back, looking down at the tablet, “Package for Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“I need a signature, it’s an android. Required.” He shoved the tablet in front of your face, before mumbling, “And maybe a quicker answer to the door.”

Straight-faced, you snatched the stylus attached to the electronic and signed.

“Thanks. Think you bring the box inside?”

“Not my job ma’am.” The worker looked at your signature, before shoving the tablet into a carrier. He walked off, and your eyes followed him.

Blinking a few times, you looked back at the big white box.

“This shit better not be heavy.” You grabbed one of your shoes, shoving it under your door, propping it open.

You stood behind the box and grabbed the cardboard, tipping the package side to side, slowly moving it into your apartment.

Finally, fully inside, you closed your door, wiping sweat off of your forehead. You walked around the big box, grabbed a knife, and opened your gift.

Inside was a five-foot-ten black-haired android. Its design was different from other androids you’ve seen. Its hair was a nicely styled mullet cut, skin perfectly clear, lips pink as if it was alive.

A chill went down your spine, the hair on your arms standing.

“So realistic...”

You raised your hand slowly to feel the skin of the android. Its skin was softer than yours.

Suddenly, the android’s eyes opened. You jumped back, a horrified look on your face. A blue hue emanated from his eyes, before turning dark brown.

“Hello. I’m PLEDIS android, 110797. My model nickname is Minghao, but feel free to call me whatever you want. What is your name?” The android spoke calmly, posture straight, and with hands by its side.

“...Y/N.” You said, wary of the talking metal in front of you. This was your father’s gift? An android? 

You really couldn't tell what was worse, the fact that you had an android in your house, or the fact that the android was your type. Black hair, slim face, and kind. Damn your father for picking a robot that reflected your old high school crushes.

“Y/N. I’ll introduce myself.” The android gave a polite smile. “Once again, I’m Minghao. I was a product of PLEDIS androids. My custom number, given by your father, is 110797. That number also serves as my birthday, if you’re into celebration. My pronouns, also given by your father, are he/him/it. Feel free to change those in my settings. I am of service to you, whenever, whatever you need. Now, your father included a voice message in my system, would you like to hear it?”

You looked at his entire design for the first time since his package was opened. He wore normal clothes, not a black and white uniform like the androids in the store wore. His clothes were different, feeding into his persona, probably also chosen by your dad.

He wore a green and black tie-dye shirt, complimented with a black long-sleeve turtle neck underneath. His jeans were black and baggy, cuffed at the bottom and tucked into black books with silver designs on them. 

“Y/N? Would you like to hear your father’s message?”

“Yeah, sorry, yeah.”

Minghao gave a polite smile, before speaking. His voice wasn’t his though, it was your father’s, “Happy early birthday. I hope you don’t decline the package. I spend nearly ten thousand on this thing, so you better use it. And I’m sorry I can’t make it, you know my work is busy, but I also expect this little attitude to stop. I pay for your apartment you know! You should be kinder to your old man…”

You made a face, raising your hand to Minghao’s face, covering his mouth, “How do you turn this thing off?”

Minghao grabbed your wrist, the voice message stopping. He smiled and a giggle came out of his mouth.

“You can just say stop. No need to stress.”

“I’m not stressing.”

“Y/N, your stress levels are at eighty-eight percent. It’s nine percent higher than when I first arrived, and there was a spike when your father’s message played, by five percent.”

You stared at Minghao, rolling your eyes, and walking around him. You moved to your bedroom, closing your door and leaving the android behind.

Minghao removed himself from the packaging, cleaning, before setting up his charging station. 

Tomorrow would be a new day, and he would be there to serve you. 

Mornings were not your thing. You didn’t believe in the bullshit phrase, ‘early bird gets the worm’. You were strictly against mornings and more specifically, things waking you up in the morning.

“Y/N. It’s nine o’clock.” Minghao lightly shook your shoulder.

With eyes still closed, you heard the sound of metal rods moving against a metal pole, curtains being opened, and the sun shining into your room. You let out a loud whine, “Minghao.”

“Yes, Y/N.”

“If you do this again, I’m gonna return to you my father.”

Sitting up in your bed, you wiped the sleep out of your eyes, opening them, only to see sunshine and the feeling of burning death to your corneas.

You groaned, falling back into your bed, covering your eyes with your arm.

Minghao grabbed your hands, pulling you to sit up, his figure blocking the sunlight from your face.

“I apologize, but it’s time to get up. Studies have shown that individuals who get up early in the morning have a more positive outlook on life than those who don’t. I feel you can benefit from this.” Minghao spoke to you softly, moving your messy hair out of your face.

You blushed, before moving his hand away from your face. You stood up, and meet his eyes.

“Why so early though?” You mumbled. You fixed your hair, hoping the android in front of you wouldn’t notice your blush.

Who am I kidding? He’s an android, of course he noticed me blushing.

“I have something planned,” Minghao took a step back, giving you space. “I put together an outfit, along with a towel for you in the bathroom.”

“Okay…” You walked to your bathroom, taking notice of the outfit he picked for you.

It was different from what you normally wore, it was flashier, compared to your sweatpants and sweatshirt combo. Looking through the clothes stack, you picked up the pair of underwear and bra Minghao chose. Matching black lace.

The blush that seemed to finally go away, came right back, turning you into a mess.

You walked back outside the bathroom, taking note of the android who sat on your bed, doing nothing but staring out the window. “Minghao, where are we going?”

He turned to you, standing up and facing you straight-on.

“That’s a surprise. I encourage you to just let the day go on, it is your birthday after all.”

“Oh. I forgot today was my birthday... well, I’ll get ready then. Maybe we can go shopping for some clothes for you.”

By the time you were almost finished getting ready, it had already been an hour.

“Y/N, I think we should get going now.” Minghao stood by the main entrance. His eyes following your every movement. You were searching for something, going from your room, to the bathroom, to the kitchen junk drawer.

“I know, I know, but I can’t find my blush, I swear it had it yesterday.”

You heard Minghao’s footsteps coming to you, his head peaking around the corner, peering into your room. You looked through your makeup bag frantically.

“Y/N.” Minghao stood in front of you, waiting for you to raise your head up. When you did, you saw a smile on his face.

“Why are you smiling?” You huffed. Your stare was cold and unbreaking.

“You don’t need artificial blush. I think your natural hue is perfect.” Minghao smiled even wider. “There it is. Now, let’s go.”

The place Minghao drove you to was a small library. Inside, the shelves were close together, and every row was filled with books. Some books were stacked in piles on the floor. lt was perfect to you.

“This place is so cool.” You said in awe. Minghao nodded but chose to stay quiet, letting you roam around the bookstore.

Minghao followed behind you, “If you get thirsty, there’s a café next door.”

You absentmindedly nodded, focused on the architecture books.

“Hey, Minghao.”

“Yes, Y/N.”

“Did you bring my wallet?”

When you and Minghao got home, you were exhausted.

You spent the day going from store to store. And while you were happy, your feet and back were aching.

Entering the apartment, you held the door open for Minghao, who insisted he should carry all of the bags because after all, most of the things you bought were for him.

Kicking off your shoes, you flopped on the couch, releasing a heavy sigh.

Minghao set down the bags, staying stationary.

“Should I run a bath for you?” Minghao asked. “I can make tea for when you come out. I read an article saying that some teas can help with relaxation.”

“Two things. One, yes, please, my body is ridiculously tired. And two, I don’t have any tea.” You sat straight, scooting to the edge of the cushion. You raised your arms stretching, a groan releasing from your core.

Minghao walked over to you, standing in front of you, and grabbed both your wrist with one hand.

“I read about stretching,” Minghao’s left hand moved below your shoulder blades. He leaned you back slightly, before twisting you, your spine cracking. “And a few chiropractor videos. This move improves spinal health. I hope you feel relieved.”

“I do. Thank you, Minghao.”

Minghao let your wrist go, taking a step back from you, before turning around and walking down the hall, grabbing your towel and sleeping clothes.

Sitting still, you listened to the sound of water running.

My face is gonna be red forever. Damn you, Minghao.

Minghao walked back over to where you were, extending his hand out, “The water is warm. I’m not aware of what temperature you like but according to my data, humans tend to like warmer temperatures. Will you need any assistance?”

"No. I'm alright." You stood up without his aid, giving a polite smile.

"Enjoy your bath then."

After your much needed bath, you shuffled out of the bathroom, towel wrapped tight around your body. You peaked your head into the hallway, looking both ways for an android.

Deciding the coast was clear, you ran into your room.

“Happy Birthday, Y/N.”

You screamed, surprised at the calm speaking android, who held a perfectly white frosted cake. His happy expression quickly changed into a concerned one.

You felt the wet cotton towel fall to your ankles. A breeze spread around and enveloped your body. You stood frozen in front of Minghao, whose eyes stayed locked on yours.

“I’m sorry for scaring you. I will try my hardest to not to frighten you from now on.” Minghao set down the cake on your bedside table carefully, kneeling down and picking up your towel.

He wrapped the towel around you tight, “Be careful. I’ll leave you to get ready, then we can cut the cake.”

Minghao grabbed the cake, before walking around you, making sure to shut the door behind him.

You stood still, shocked by the event that just happened seconds prior.

He- He saw… No! Why? Why me?

You covered your face with your hand, making sure to hold your towel right. You grabbed clothes, mind elsewhere.

Getting dressed quickly, you sat on your bed, holding your head in your hands. You let out a laugh, before taking a deep inhale.

“Fuck.” Patting your knees, you stood up, leaving your room and going to the kitchen.

Minghao, whose back was turned to you, sat on a barstool. Hearing your soft footsteps, he turned around.

“Y/N, I waited for you. Shall I sing and cut the cake for you?”

You sat next to him, staring at the cake. With a slight hesitation, you shook your head. “Nah, let’s just cut the cake.”

Minghao turned his entire body towards you, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“You hesitated. Why?”

“No I didn’t,” Your eyebrows furrowed. “I just don’t like celebrating my birthday. Let’s just cut the cake, eat, and go to sleep, okay?”

“Okay.”

Minghao cut the cake, each slice perfectly spaced from the other. A machine was working in front of your eyes, and for the first time it just occurred to you. Maybe living with something, different, would be beneficial for you. Both of you.

The rest of the week went by quickly, Minghao woke you up, he helped you get ready, he cleaned your house, you went to sleep and the routine cycled. 

The android was certainly a sight to see. A machine that never got tired. He would never actually die, his data would just be uploaded again. He was something that your brain couldn't wrap around.

Minghao was something special, and you couldn’t put your finger on what it was that made him different from the other androids, but you knew your father had something to do with it. 

Maybe you could thank him, but you wouldn’t. 

It had already been a month since you got Minghao. The android was a major help with everything and he never once complained.

"Y/N? It's time to wake up." Minghao softly shook you awake. You groaned, throwing your hands over your face.

You heard a chuckle before you were pulled into a upright position, “Minghao, no! I just want to sleep, why won’t you let me sleep?”

Minghao patted your head, “I apologize but I did adjust your time for an hour later, like you told me to do last week.”

He walked to your curtains, opening them up and letting the sunlight in.

“The weather today is cloudy, ten degrees out, and there’s a fifty-percent chance of snow. Maybe we should plan an indoor activity today?”

“Yeah, whatever you want Hao.”

“Hao? Is that a nickname? Also, Y/N, I cannot ‘want’ anything, I’m an android. I am only meant to serve you, however I can choose an activity that my data says you’ll like. Would you like me to do this?”

“Yes, Hao.”

“Okay.”

“Can we go out?”

You sat on your couch, knees pulled to your chest. Minghao sat next to you, hands resting on his knees. His posture was like a soldier. He turned to you with a straight face.

His activity was to sit on the couch and relax but as time went on you found yourself just getting bored. You yearned for some fresh air, cold or not you needed to get out.

“The weather isn’t the best—”

“I know but, please? It’ll just be to downtown, come on, it’ll be quick.”

Minghao nodded, a smile forming on his face, “Okay, if this is what you want. Get ready, I’ll go downstairs and get the car heated.”

You watched Minghao stand up and start heading towards the door, “Wait!”

Minghao turned around, a curious look on his face, “Let’s get you changed. You’ve wore these clothes for an entire week already.”

Minghao looked down as his outfit, looking back up at you with a blank expression.

“Come on, let’s put you in something that’ll fit the weather.”

You stood up from the couch, and grabbed Minghao’s hand. You headed over to the coat closet (where Minghao decided his clothes would be least invasive of your space, along with his charging station) and grabbed some of his things.

You grabbed a plain black hoodie, black sweatpants and a long black trenchcoat, “You like?”

You held up the items and Minghao looked at you with an almost annoyed expression, “Y/N, I cannot ‘like’ anything. If you’re asking me if it goes together, then… yes.”

“Where did you learn sarcasm?” You glared. Minghao didn’t respond, only taking the clothes out of your hands. He left to the bathroom, leaving you stunned.

“What an ass.”

Downtown was one of you’re favorite places to go. The decorated streets with outdoor patio lights made you feel warm inside, even if the weather was getting below zero. The stores were in walkable distance from each other, allowing you to spend more time with Minghao.

“So, Hao, do you like the snow?” You looked up at Minghao. Arms linked with each other, walking at a slow pace, the tall android looked back down at you.

“It is… enjoyable. Every snowflake is different from each other, it’s quite an amazing thing to see, really.”

A wide smile spread across your face, “You sounded almost… human. No offense, I guess.”

Minghao’s already small smile faltered, his expression becoming focused. You stopped walking, and pulled Minghao to the side.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Let’s keep walking.” Minghao unlinked his arm, instead grabbing your hand and walking off.

You smiled to yourself, the smell of pizza making you look around.

"Can you smell things? Because there is an incredibly good smelling pizza right now."

Minghao looked down at you, a confused look on his face, "Smell? Well... no. I can't. If you're smelling pizza, we can eat."

You agreed, following Minghao as he turned around toward a pizza place.

Suddenly, Minghao's hand left yours. Within a second, Minghao wasn't next to you, but on the floor.

You covered your mouth, a giggle escaping past your lips.

Minghao glared up at you, rolling his eyes and sighing. He stood up, a limp apparent as he walked to a seat outside the restaurant.

"Hao? You're limping, let's go home." Worry overtook your emotions, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

"Y/N. Calm down, I'm alright. However, it is getting late already." Minghao stood up, leaning some of his weight on you.

“You cold, hard piece of metal shit, I’m gonna- ass on the chair.” You nudged the weak with your butt, a light thud heard from the impact.

Minghao stayed silent, eyes down at the ground. He felt sorry, but the energy loss was something new to him. 

Blue blood had soaked through his shirt because of the fall, something that seemed small in the moment, actually caused a few scrapes to his skin.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were bleeding?” You grabbed the hem of his shirt, lifting it up and bunching it around his neck. 

His shoulder blades were different shades of blue, dried and fresh blood mixing together, hints of fibers stuck to his wound. 

“Lift your arms, please,” You spoke softly, grabbing the shirt and taking it off him. “Do I have to use hydrogen peroxide? Can androids get an infection?”

Minghao shook his head, still remaining silent. 

“Okay...” You grabbed a washcloth, wetting it, and wiping the androids back. 

“Good think you can’t get an infection right? Makes for a pain-free cleanup.” 

Stepping back, you stared at the injured android in front of you. Minghao slowly looked up at you, looking into your eyes.

“Why do you look at me like that?” Minghao spoke for the first time since you two got home. 

Heat rose to your cheeks, “What way?”

“Your heartbeat gets slightly higher when you look at me, is there something wrong?”

“No,” You shifted slightly. “Nothing’s wrong.”

It felt like Minghao was staring into your soul. The android got up, slowly walking towards you.

You could hear your heartbeat in your ears, the rhythm pulsating underneath your fingertips.

Minghao brung his hand up to your cheek, face getting closer to yours.

“Get some sleep, I’ll wash my clothes.” Minghao’s gentle touch left your face as he left you standing alone.

Alone, your eyes met your reflection. You turned off the light, going to your room for the night.

You woke up cold, a chill wrapping around your waist and down your legs.

Minghao was behind you. His arms were wrapped tightly around your waist, legs tangled with yours. 

He’s so close, yet no sign of life. There’s no rise and fall of his chest, no breathing on my neck, just cold and stiff.

You stretched your legs a bit, Minghao’s arms quickly removing themselves from around you. “Good morning, Y/N.”

You didn’t respond, sitting up, still facing away from him. Your hair fell over your face, your hand wiping at your mouth.

“Hao… what were you doing?” You turned around and faced the lounge-wearing android. He stood still, arms folded behind his back.

“I don’t know,” Minghao’s eyes avoided yours. “I felt- I was alone.”

You nodded, laying back down, “That’s okay, Hao.”

Your eyes shut, and you sank into your bed.

“It’s ten o’clock, Y/N,” Minghao spoke softly.

Your eyes opened quickly, sending a glare towards the now standing android. 

“Leave me be.” You whined. Minghao chuckled before kneeling down at your level. 

He moved your hair out of your face. You stared into Minghao’s eyes, he gave you a small smile. You felt like you were getting lost in his eyes, the complexity of the mechanics were lost to you, but you still enjoyed it. 

“You look beautiful.” Minghao complimented you, the blush, the seemed a never-ending nightmare, returning to your face and ears. 

Your eyes flickered. Lips, eyes, repeat. Minghao leaned forward, eyes closing. 

Am I really going to do this?

The android must’ve had everything planned. His lips were soft, a detail that only an obsessed designer should’ve thought of.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to you, body on top of yours. You were committed, the spark of joy spreading around your body. 

Pulling back, Minghao studying your face, before pecking your lips again. 

“It’s ten o’clock.”

Months gone by, just you and Minghao.

The birthday gift you had gotten for your twenty-first birthday brung you more than help, but a crush.

While Minghao tried his best to ignore the feeling of humanity taking over his hardware, you tried your best to make him succumb. 

“Y/N, I’m not programmed to feel anything. How do we not know that I’m not experiencing a virus.”

“Minghao, if you’re so concerned that your feeling for me are a virus, why don’t I send you to your creator, so he can have a check?” Your pouted at the idea that Minghao’s feelings might in fact be a virus, but quickly hid it. “Ungrateful shit.” 

Minghao gave you a fake smile, before rolling his eyes, “Y’know, sometimes I think that you think that you’re hot shit.”

“Oh? Taking my language, you AI now?”

“I've been AI, in fact I’m better than AI.” Minghao spoke quickly, sass laced words, the impersonation of a human getting better each time you two argued.

“Then tell me you love me.” You dared. Minghao pursed his lips, fighting a smile.

“I love you...” He spoke, getting closer to your face. “Unless, this is a virus.”

NOTES: y’all I'm so sorry for the people expecting this, like I feel so bad, but I lost a spark halfway through and got writer block, then idek what happened, but I feel like the second half of this writing is bs and tbh I'm vvvvv embarrassed to release this lmfao. 

[lingshanhermit]

Lingshan Hermit: Step Out of the Walls that Cause You Suffering

About twenty years ago when I was still in elementary school, I had to walk between home and school every day. At that time, I was very particular about how I dressed. I was recognized as the cleanest student in my class. This honor intensified my obsession. (For example, if someone tells you “you look sexy,” wouldn’t you continue to dress up in order to get more compliments?) Before going out, if I found any dirt on my clothes (like toothpaste accidentally dripping on my chest when I was brushing my teeth), I would insist on changing that piece of clothing. Even if I couldn’t change, I had to wipe it completely clean before going out. I couldn’t imagine how others would see me if I went to school wearing clothes like that. At that time, I took this matter very seriously.

At that time, I had many other similar habits. For example, I couldn’t tolerate my messy hair at school. I always combed them neatly.

However, more than ten years later today, things have changed. I may go out to buy things without washing my face or looking in the mirror. I may wander wearing slippers. I may wear the same piece of clothing for months. I don’t care at all about others’ perception of me. In my room, you can hardly find a comb.

Compared to myself more than ten years ago, I seem to be two different people now. The me from more than ten years ago would be horrified by the present me.

In fact, even if you smear toothpaste on your face, not many may actually pay attention to you, let alone just a speck of toothpaste dripped on your chest. But you were worried about it.

This illustrates a few things. At least it proves that one can change so much as to become unrecognizable to oneself. It also shows that I have been freed from certain notions. You can also say that I have successfully escaped. Unfortunately, not everyone is like this. Every time my mother sees me wearing slippers while carrying a briefcase, she becomes hysterical. She thinks I should not appear in public wearing slippers and carrying a briefcase. It is very inconsistent and damages my image. She still insists to this day, which shows she is still imprisoned.

It is not just my mother. Many others are also trapped and surrounded by their own notions and thoughts, unable to break free. So when I don't intend to do as my mother says, she gets angry.

Buddhism believes everyone is imprisoned by ignorance. We cling to many things. We would think that wearing slippers with a tie is inelegant. We would also think wearing a red top with blue pants is a terrible match. Of course, you can't say pants or slippers cause you pain. It is your clinging to the notion that a red top can't match blue pants that causes you pain. Things don't always appear the way you imagine. You expect a rabbit to appear but what appears may be a crocodile instead.

I believe you must also have similar clinging now. For example, you can't tolerate someone humming songs at work. You also can't tolerate behaviors that violate your moral standards. You may even be intolerant of clumsy people operating machines you are familiar with. You would also cling to what time your husband should come home. If he doesn't come home when he should, you would feel anxious and suffer. I know many women who have to lock themselves in the room to dress up before appearing in public every day. But if you practice Buddhism for a while, these things may become less important. Of course I'm not advocating you be as sloppy as me.

What was important in the past has become less important now, or even completely unimportant. What you once believed absolutely right, you no longer insist on now. This shows you have successfully escaped. However, we need to break through many barriers. You may no longer cling to one thing but you could cling to another. Some people can't even tolerate footprints on the floor of their homes. For those who cling as such, sometimes you can pour a bucket of manure on her floor to lessen her clinging.

You should know many people, like our mothers, cling to all sorts of illusory things and fret over them, thus trapped in cages. You have the responsibility to guide them to escape. You should tell them these things are not as serious as they imagine. Even if you go out with food stains on your chest or wearing underwear while carrying a briefcase, no one would behead you in public. So there is no need to worry about it. A red top can match blue pants after all. All human suffering stems from clinging. People often fight and kill to prove their clinging is the only right one to others.

When you cling to a clean floor, if I spit on the floor of your home, you would get angry and suffer. In fact, the issue is not that serious. Just mop it and it would be fine. But sometimes you react as if it's the end of the world.

We all need to learn to escape, which means to step out of the walls that cause you suffering.

Original blog post on May 1, 2007 at http://blog.sina.com.cn/lingshanjushi

Copyright Notice：All copyrights of Ling Shan Hermit's articles in Simplified and Traditional Chinese, English, and other languages belong to the natural person who owns "Ling Shan Hermit". Please respect copyright. Publishers, media, or individuals (including but not limited to internet media, websites, personal spaces, Weibo, WeChat public accounts, print media) must obtain authorization from Ling Shan Hermit before use. No modifications to the articles are allowed (including: author's name, title, main text content, and punctuation marks). We reserve all legal rights.

灵山居士：从那些造成你痛苦的围墙中走出来 

在大约二十年前，我还在上小学，每一天我都要在学校和家之间走来走去。那时候的我是个非常讲究衣着的人，我被公认为是全班最干净的学生，这项殊荣加深了我的执著（假如一个人对你说：你真性感。你是不是会继续打扮以便获取更多的赞誉？），在我出门之前假如发现我的衣服上有一点脏东西的话（比如刷牙时不小心滴在胸口的牙膏），我就会坚持换掉那件衣服，即使不能换掉我也要把它彻底擦干净才会走出去。我不能想像穿着那样的衣服去上学别人会如何看待我。那时候���把这件事看的很严重。

那时候的我还有很多其他类似的习惯，比如我不能容忍自己头发乱糟糟的出现在学校里。我总是把它们梳的整整齐齐。

不过在十几年后的今天，情况有所改观，我可能不洗脸不照镜子就跑出去买东西，也可能穿着一双拖鞋行走江湖，可能把一件衣服穿上几个月。对周围人的观感毫不在乎。在我的屋子里，你几乎无法找到一把梳子。

相对于十几年前的那个人，这似乎是两个人。十几年前的我会对现在的我感到触目惊心。

事实上，即使你把牙膏涂在脸上也未必会有人真的去注意你，更不用说仅仅是滴在胸口的牙膏。而你却在为这个烦恼担心。

这件事可以说明一些东西，这至少可以证明一个人可以变的连自己都认不出来。还说明我从某种观念里解脱了出来，也可以说，我越狱成功。很遗憾，不是所有的人都是这样，我的母亲每次看到我穿着一双拖鞋提着公文包就会变得歇斯底里，她认为我不应该穿着拖鞋提着公文包出现在大庭广众之下，这非常不和谐，会有损我的形象。她至今仍旧坚持己见，这说明她仍旧还在狱中。

不止是我的母亲，还有很多其他的人。他们也都身陷狱中，他们被自己的观念想法包围着无法突围。所以当我不打算照我母亲说的做的时候，她就会生气。

佛教认为我们每个人都被无明囚禁，我们执著很多东西，我们会认为穿着拖鞋打领带是不雅的。我们还会认为红色的上衣配蓝色的裤子是非常不搭调的。当然，你不能说时裤子或者拖鞋造成你的痛苦，只是你对红色上衣不能配蓝色裤子这一观念的执著造成你的痛苦。事物并不总是照你想像的方式出现。你期待出现一只兔子，但是出现的可能是条鳄鱼。

我相信你目前也一定有着类似的各种执著，比如你不能容忍某人上班的时候哼歌，也不能容忍那些超越你的道德观的行为。你甚至不能容忍那些在你看来笨手笨脚的人操作你熟悉的机器。你还会执著于你老公回家的时间，假如他在该回来的时候不回来，你就会焦虑，痛苦。我知道很多女人每天出现在众人之前都要把自己关在屋子里一段时间打扮自己，不过如果你修佛一段时间可能这��就变得不太重要了。当然我并不鼓励你象我一样邋遢。

过去重要的，现在已经变的不那么重要，甚至根本不重要。过去你认为绝对正确的，现在你也不再坚持。这说明你越狱成功。不过我们需要突破很多关口，也许你不再执著这个，不过你可能会执著那个。有些人甚至不能容忍自己家的地板上出现脚印，对待这样的执著者，你有时候可以在她的屋子里倒上一桶大粪，这会减少她的执著。

你应该知道，有很多人，如我们的母亲一样，他们执著种种虚幻的东西，并为此而患得患失。他们因此而身陷牢笼。你有责任引导他们越狱。你要告诉他们，这些事并不是象他们想像的那么严重，即使你胸口沾着饭粒跑出去，即使你穿着内裤拎着公文包，也不会有人把你当街斩首，所以你大可不必为此而忧心。红色的上衣并非不可以配蓝色的裤子。人类的痛苦都来自执著，他们经常为了向别人证明自己的执著是唯一正确的而打打杀杀。

当你执著于干净的地板的时候，假如我往你们家地板上吐口痰。你就会生气，痛苦。事实上，问题不是那么严重，只要拿拖把拖一下就好了，但是有时候你却表现的好像世界末日来了。

我们每个人都要学会越狱，所谓的越狱就是从那些造成你痛苦的围墙中走出来。

2007-5-1

首发于灵山居士博客http://blog.sina.com.cn/lingshanjushi

[whentranslatorscry]

Hitagi Honeymoon

012

Urban legends. Street gossip. Rumors in the wind.

Be it ghost tales or horror stories, at their core, they are all experiences of terror. I, Araragi Koyomi, might be a bit brazen in saying so myself, but I've accumulated quite the career in experiencing each of them.

It all began long ago with a hellish spring break where I discovered a peerless beauty missing her limbs in a back alley. Since then, I'd been split in half by a cat, beaten by a monkey, coiled by a snake, fawned over by a corpse doll, and almost swallowed by darkness.

The list goes on, without end.

Yet, even when compared to those horrifying encounters, my current experience was unparalleled— on my way to the Killing Stone.

It was unbelievably dark.

It was darker than the darkness that threatened to swallow me.

As I had told Hitagi, I let Shinobu drink my blood to enhance her vampirism at the campsite, and despite bolstering my physical strength, particularly my vision, it was still so dark that I could hardly see.

It was not the broken stone’s magic.

It was simply the absence of electric light at the historic site, and by this I came to realize just how dependent humans are on the Master Inventor Edison. The old saying, “an inch ahead is total darkness,” couldn’t be more apt, as in the dim light of my smartphone, serving as a makeshift lantern, I gingerly and cautiously moved forward. Though I had planned to briefly check the place and quickly return to the campsite, my pace had slowed considerably once I arrived here.

I couldn't walk without scuffing the soles of my shoes, always dragging my feet.

Nature's starlight could have sufficed, but I didn’t have that. The moment I left the tent, Hitagi had matter-of-factly warned me:

“Since the main event of stargazing is tomorrow, try not to look up at the sky today. I'll be doing the same.”

My newlywed wife casually made such an outrageous request. I knew it was just a case of her worrying too much— the past her would have blindfolded me and taken me on a short drive. Instead, she had driven me to heart of the Killing Stone area in a rented minivan. The sky had transformed instantly and became completely overcast as soon as we disembarked in the parking lot.

Whatever happened to the divine grace of Hachikuji Daimyoujin?

“Expect anything, master. Even with my vision— and by that, I mean the undifferentiated vision of a young girl— I cannot see through this darkness.”

Shinobu, who had emerged from the shadows, spoke as she walked beside me. If we didn't hold hands, we’d have lost sight of each other.

The fact that I was almost completely blinded reminded me of the Blind Snake Stone in this park alongside the Killing Stone, which Chief Kouga had instructed me about. And as the legend goes, or not necessarily because of it, there was a strong pungent smell.

Was it the smell of rotten eggs?

As someone who hardly ever cooks, I had never smelled a rotten egg— the legend of the Blind Snake Stone, by the way, goes as follows.

One day, a man saw a blind snake struggling and decided to make a nest for it out of pampas grass. In return, the snake made plenty of hot springs well up in that area— unlike the snake I know, this snake was a good one.

Just the fact that it didn't come to kill humans made it a good snake, but what's more, it was even repaying a favor. I'd love to make a nest for such a snake.

But, having only dabbled in internet knowledge, I hadn't grasped what a yunohana (hot spring flower) really was— I thought it was a real flower. But now, I understood that it was something like a sulfur crystal.

I wasn’t like Oshino, but I recognized the importance of fieldwork— well, it would have sufficed to have been more diligent and intensively researched yunohana as a keyword. But even so, this pungent odor that hit me squarely in the nose could only have been experienced firsthand.

It wasn’t something you could simply sniff out.

I shouldn’t be saying this so close to an onsen shrine, but as a university student, I had never been one for venturing to hidden hot springs, and the unfamiliar smell was pretty unsettling. It felt as if my vision had been stolen, as well as my sense of smell.

Hmm.

Too late now, but I definitely should have come here in daytime. My sense of convenience had taken precedence, and I had found myself here alone at night— an irreparable mistake. Shinobu had warned me that anything could happen, and now it seems I'd put myself in a position where it was more likely to.

The site itself was open 24 hours a day, but there was not a soul in sight, not even a hint of an insect.

On this late-night excursion, Kanbaru had also offered, “Maybe I can be of some help, so should we go together, Araragi-senpai?”

But I felt it was better to decline. The me of today, past my prime, was no longer capable of protecting someone else while fighting. I could barely protect my own and a little girl's life.

As for Hitagi, she was holed up in her tent, determined not to look up at the sky before the real deal, and was apparently planning to devote herself to her trading business using all the latest electronic gadgets I had never seen before.

No sooner had my wife withdrawn than this weather began…

Could she be the Sun Goddess Amaterasu?

Anyhow, it seems that both of us were the type to bring work along on our honeymoon. Well, the world of investing was such that you couldn’t take your eyes off the screen even for a single day— or not even a single second. That said, I'm sure her junior— no, my friend Kanbaru, who had been in her life longer than me, would be in the middle of a belated bachelorette party right about now.

I had never had any friends to throw such a party for me, either in Japan or the US… the meaning of being single was different for us.

In high school, I used to boast that making friends would only weaken me as a human, but looking at Kanbaru, who went out for BBQs every week, I couldn’t help but think that those who could make friends were strong at a fundamental level.

The more I became a part of society, the more I felt this to be true.

I wanted to return to the days when I believed that having no friends held value, but maybe Hanekawa had already realized this that spring break… in this sense, she had become far too intense after graduation.

As is apparent from the fact that she managed to win over a guy like me, the former class president was more suited to making friends than to creating organizations.

In both a good and a bad sense.

Her intensity as a human increased.

But she’d lost her human touch.

“…Phew.”

In any case, remembering Hanekawa for a little helped me collect my thoughts. It was like my routine; whenever I felt shaken or even scared, I thought about Hanekawa.

That would instantly calm me down.

Relax; just darkness.

This wasn't some dramatic turn of events where I'd sense spiritual energy or be possessed by a supernatural creature… Though there were no people around, I was simply walking across a wooden bridge set up over a rocky area— in a hot spring resort?

It was a man-made bridge.

In other words, even without a single person around, human hands were still present— it was a normal tourist spot, after all. This place was atop a mountain that could be reached by a one-hour bus ride from the bullet train station— what would it do if I myself became the origin of a rumor?

I guess I’d better watch my step so that I don't stumble.

On the way here, I had stumbled upon countless posters that depicted cute versions of the nine-tailed fox and Tamamo-no-Mae. Much like vampires, shape-shifting foxes had already become a part of human economic activity— don’t be scared, this darkness was no different than walking with eyes closed.

Rather, I turned off the light on my smartphone and immersed myself in true darkness before resuming my steps.

“Well, you may think this to be cool of you, but ‘tis seriously dangerous. Crossing a bridge all casual-like, and then stepping off the edge is no joke— you'll be injuring yourself. There's not a single stalk of grass beneath the bridge in this rocky place, master.”

“As an investigator for the Hearsay Department, I can’t always afford to play it safe. If anything, finishing up the sightseeing without incident is the best way to dispel the rumor.”

“Aye, I see. I shall not meddle in your work matters.”

“What the hell. Aren’t you more than eager to butt in about everything else? Are you still sulking over not getting to join us for the barbecue?”

“Sulking? Nay, well—”

'Tis not entirely untrue, I suppose, Shinobu said somewhat hesitantly, her words lacking their usual sharpness— a peculiar display for a former vampire with razor-sharp fangs that could pierce through my neck in an instant.

I couldn't quite put my finger on what she was getting at, so I decided to express my gratitude before I forgot. “By the way, you were a big help.”

I did have a childhood friend with whom our relationship had remained sour for almost two decades simply due to my forgetfulness in saying thanks.

“What are you referring to?”

“We didn’t even talk about how it’d all go, but you were, how do I put this, very humble towards Hitagi. That, right there, was the mark of a six-hundred-year-old adult. I never imagined you'd support Hitagi like that, and I'm really glad that your first meeting managed to avoid a worst-case scenario-like conflict.”

The topic might have been rather personal and serious for casual conversation, but there was no need to continue delving into scary stories in such a foreboding place. This was one of the rare moments in this group trip when just the two of us could talk. So I figured we should face it head-on.

We had just barely seen a sign saying it was 240 meters to the Killing Stone, but honestly, it felt more like two kilometers. Maybe even as far as the moon.

“Hmph. Well, ‘tis only reasonable. Seeing as the lady in question is to be your partner, as a slave to you, she holds an equivalent level of power over me, as a master.”

“So you're ranking us, like a pack of dogs…”

Not the best image to go by, but then… Where would my friend and my wife's junior, Kanbaru, fit in the pecking order?

“I did have that one squabble with the monkey girl, and she did best me in the end. In a way, she may even be above you, master.”

“Above me, huh…? Looks like the relationship chart’s shaping up just as I imagined.”

A pyramid relationship chart it was.

Then, who was at the top? Gaen-san? No, maybe the nominator, Oshino?

“Specialists would be at the bottom— those lowly creatures failed to kill me even after centuries of trying.”

“I mean, there's a difference between them. Gaen-san and Oshino wanted fo coexist, didn't they? It was the vampire hunters like Dramaturgy who were really aggressive toward you.”

I was the one who had to fight them, though.

They were formidable opponents that I can't imagine ever looking down on. Even knowing that those battles have shaped who I am today, I would never wish to face them again.

Wait, huh.

“Aye, regardless of the past, there's no question that I’m at the bottom now— a powerless young lass. And this feels rather comforting.”

“Does it really?”

“Indeed— I feel much more at ease now than when I was being constantly challenged. In fact, I had almost forgotten until I talked to Death, but I became a vampire to rid myself of my charm in the first place.”

I recalled hearing that, as a matter of fact.

In an ancient European castle, or maybe in the mirror world.

I suppose becoming a vampire was precisely for the sake of forgetting that gift. Though her past before becoming a vampire seemed far more monstrous, the tale of “Princess Beauty” was magnificent.

To think that names like Lola or Acerola would be unimaginable to Shinobu now was far from a joke— her beauty brought destruction to entire nations. It was no laughing matter.

Even a careless, aesthetically-challenged man like me couldn't help but desire to eviscerate myself when facing “her.”

There was a time when Hanekawa had insinuated as much, but it seemed fitting that during her time as Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade, she had never used her innate vampire charm skill. Considering the secret of her birth, maybe it was for the best.

“If you had been able to use your Charm, you probably wouldn't have been chased about so much. It's funny how things don't always go as planned, huh?”

“I'd say things actually turned out quite well. Just by not bringing about the end of the world, and by living such a long, frugal life until I met you, it seems fortuitous, no?”

It may have been a long life, but it was only frugal in recent years— to say I wasn’t happy to hear her say that would be a lie. Although it's hard to believe my actions during spring break were flawless and the best— Hmm?

Something's been bothering me for a while now.

Had my thinking become dull in the darkness?

Or had it become more sharp and sensitive? Unable to reach an answer to this plaguing question, I decided to share my vexation with her.

“But Shinobu, I think calling yourself a slave or the lowest of the low won’t be well-received in these modern times. Self-deprecation as a form of humor is losing its appeal. When you speak poorly of yourself like that, you might be insulting others who’re struggling under similar circumstances, even if you don’t mean to. It's like if I were to say, 'Oh no, becoming an FBI agent is no big deal, totally normal, really.' In doing so, I’d end up dishonoring my colleagues who are keeping my back.”

“Need not keep your back, you are more likely to be shot right in the face.”

Maybe it wasn’t the best analogy.

A better one might be: if someone like me, who has no friends, constantly bemoans not having any, it might look as if not having friends is an absolute evil. Thus, inadvertently attacking everyone who has no friends— something like that.

Not like that was a great analogy either.

It's the worst thing I've ever heard.

But I don't know, I'd prefer it if I had no friends and wasn't allowed to complain about it… It’d still be better than the days when I was an asshole distancing myself from people.

“Fret not, master. No one else is like me— a vampire who has fallen into the role of a perverse lolicon’s slave.”

“Shinobu-san, being a lolicon is a no-go. An absolute no-go. It's not about the times; it's about a twenty-four-year-old being called a lolicon.”

“I believe it would have been inappropriate even for a high school student.”

“Not even gods can look like fifth-graders anymore. You never know how long you can remain a little girl.”

“Hmm. So, is your proposal to legally adopt me and thereby legalize the arrangement? What a wicked idea.”

No, that absolutely wasn’t my intention… But in the course of having many conversations with many people, things got tangled.

Fundamentally, though, the issue at hand stemmed from the realization that I couldn't permanently put Shinobu's problems on the back burner as I build a life with Hitagi.

“I feel it's better to keep me on the back burner. Certainly better than being hung out to dry. The idea of turning me into Araragi Shinobu hardly has any meaning, as it were.”

“Why? If there's even a hint of meaning to it, then there must be a point, right? Position-wise, it'd be better to raise you from the lowest level of slave. From what I've heard so far, your self-esteem is way too low.”

If I had to describe it in terms of feeling, it might be akin to a fast-footed track team member who can't get serious about competing in school marathon events and ends up walking at the back of the pack. Like getting rusty when participating in general races, I guess.

While that may have been fine if it was just between me and her, once we became a trio, we couldn’t keep saying the same… And I doubt Hitagi would want a child slave.

“I wonder if she would want an adopted daughter, or if the tsundere girl— err, the lady of the house— even desires to become a mother in the first place.”

It wasn't the kind of question a little girl would ask, but it was a sensitive topic even for an adopted child. I had never had this conversation before— let alone posed this question to Hitagi.

Hitagi's enmity with her mother ran incredibly deep, and it’s hard to say that I fully comprehended the complex feelings she harbored toward the concept of motherhood.

In any case.

Senjougahara Hitagi went to great lengths to sever her ties with her mother. She even wished for and subsequently lost almost all her body weight. It was this mysterious— this complex turn of events that led to our fateful encounter. While it may be unwise to make a sweeping judgment on this, there was a primitive, skeptical aspect to viewing it all from a future perspective. In the end, it remains uncertain whether Senjougahara Hitagi's recovery of memories of her mother was for the better or worse. This question seemed even more mysterious than the supernatural.

When I was eighteen, I remember Oshino saying something that I couldn't quite grasp nor even pretend to understand. As I approached the age that Oshino was back then, in other words, as I became an adult, I began to comprehend, if only slightly, what he was trying to convey.

Adults remain adults.

Parents remain parents.

While Senjougahara Hitagi plead to the crab, she also had another option, to plea to the crab or not— to sever her ties with her mother. This option, even if seemingly non-existent, it was there for her to take.

Much like an aberration or perhaps a god.

It was a choice she could have made.

Senjougahara Hitagi said with tears in her eyes that it was something she had to bear, something she could not forget, but looking back on it now, it was not something she had to bear at all, and if she could forget it, she would have been happier at least.

If asked whether forgetting everything, like Hanekawa, would bring happiness, I would say that's not quite right. But, it did not mean that “Senjougahara Hitagi” was the right answer either.

Just as adults will only ever be adults.

Children will only ever be children, nothing more— it was too much to bear and too deeply etched within her.

“In reality, she couldn’t have managed a normal life with her debilitating disease of losing her weight. Maybe she couldn’t have gone to university or worked for a foreign firm. So all she could do was remember, but I wonder what decision she would make today, with the person she’s become.”

“Whether she would make the decision an adult would? Had you done this to me, at the very least, I wouldn’t be here like this.”

“I've said before that even now: I still think that was the only choice I could've made with you back then. I can't just ignore the plight of a beautiful woman missing her limbs.”

Perhaps it's even more true now that I've come of age. On top of my original, irrepressible personality, there was a sense of professional duty.

I was a servant not only in spirit but also in profession.

In the same vein, if I were to come across a high school girl struggling with her relationship with her mother, my first thought would now be to protect her. Regardless of whether or not I should step in, just as I did back in high school.

With my shoes off, if not barefoot.

“Kanbaru was once rejected by Senjougahara Hitagi… But now, as an aspiring doctor, another course of action, another development might be possible. I think even back then, Hitagi trusted doctors and nurses…”

“If that monkey girl had found me, what would've become of me?”

“With your limbs torn as they were, you would’ve been deemed an incurable patient and subjected to that 'triage' she talked about.”

It was by no means limited to Kanbaru.

What if someone other than myself had encountered the vampire on the brink of death? It was hard to imagine anyone else making the same foolish yet honest choice as me, at least not any typical adult.

“Y'know, originally, Hanekawa was the one who wanted to meet a vampire. If she had given her blood to you…”

“The world would have perished.”

As lightly as she said it, we’d borne witness to a similar outcome in a parallel world— if the fully-powered Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade and an equally powerful Hanekawa Tsubasa had formed a master-servant bond, one or two worlds wouldn’t be enough. Hundreds, if not thousands of worlds would perish. Their terrorizing “what-if” would pose a threat to the extinction of every parallel universe.

I wonder if this world, too, can remain safe forever.

“If it were Senjougahara Hitagi then? I think back in spring break, after she broke ties with Kanbaru and left Oikura’s protection, she’d have been at her sharpest…”

Still, was it my partiality to my dear wife that I thought she wouldn’t have abandoned a dying beauty?

“Perhaps, perhaps not If she were still as cold as ever, then we may have forged a strong partnership, excluding the cat girl, of course.”

However.

That would only hold true if the lady were to become a full-fledged vampire, she said, and then, Shinobu stopped in her tracks.

At first, I wondered why, but it seemed that while talking, we had arrived at the place where the Killing Stone was supposedly exhibited— nay, it couldn't be called an exhibit at all.

The stone simply sat there.

As it had for ages— eight hundred long years.

Just as the signboard of “240 meters ahead” had promised, it seemed we had finally reached our goal. One more step, and we were walking in complete darkness, taking a great leap of courage.

In my night vision mode, I was barely able to see it. There was no guide present, nor any illumination, so it was difficult to be certain.

There was at least a sign that read “Killing Stone,” but still.

“No mistake. The ominous aura oozes from this broken stone.”

“But isn't that just… the sulfur?”

According to Chief Kouga, the ill health and even death of small animals around the stone was not caused by some supernatural being, but by the sulfur being emitted.

In fact, as far as my night vision allowed me to see, I found only the desolated slabs of rock. And as Shinobu mentioned earlier, not a single stalk of grass in sight.

Although, like the legend of the Blind Snake Stone, the sulfur itself could be considered the product of an aberration. But at the end of the day, a stone is just a stone— or at least, that's what my high school experience would have had me believe. Then again, wasn’t I the one who had made an ordinary rock the protagonist of a horror tale?

“This is more than a mere pebble produced by you, master. This, here, is a genuine, certified Killing Stone. Left abandoned on this gloomy mountain, with a name you cannot help but be haunted by: Killing Stone.”

And she had a point. It may be personal bias, but the name Killing Stone had a greater impact on me than the nine-tailed fox or Tamamo-no-Mae. Because it contained the word “kill,” it even surpassed my predecessor Seishirou in its might. Come to think of it, I could almost feel the aura myself.

Could it really be that such a perfectly split stone was a natural occurrence? It almost appeared to have been cleanly cleaved by a mighty sword. But damn, the darkness made it near impossible to discern the scale of the thing.

It seemed at once both smaller and larger than I had imagined— either way, it threatened to swallow me whole.

On the other hand, no matter how perfect and idyllic the future Gaen-san may have envisioned, Nasu Town in Tochigi Prefecture lay beyond the jurisdiction of Naoetsu Police.

So, with a trembling heart, I carefully approached the historical site of the Killing Stone in the still of night. But to the locals, I was the suspicious outsider.

It might seem like I'd ventured across an ancient European castle, what with the way I'd been acting, but I just needed to backtrack a little and I'd find myself in a perfectly common residential neighborhood. It would be the worst if, instead of the stone, I were to become an urban legend.

So, I couldn't possibly commit the vandalism of climbing over a fence installed for safety and approach the Killing Stone. As a cop, I couldn't enter a restricted area without a warrant. Well, looking closely at the fence, there was a sign posted on it saying, “Please keep away for safety. Sulfur gas is present,” which also made me hesitate.

“Ah, that might be a problem. I was hoping to bring back a tale about how the Killing Stone cracked but the nine-tailed fox didn’t revive to my colleagues. But I might end up bringing back a horror story instead now.”

So far, all I've known on this detour is fear. If I were to return to the campsite as is, I would definitely end up telling those two a souvenir story of how incredibly scared I was. As it stands, the already venerable and well-established rumor would be in danger of being officially endorsed by public institutions, and it would be unimaginable if rumors were to spread that the Killing Stone was being deemed dangerous by the FBI.

I'd been told by my dear wife not to look up at the sky if I can help it, but I found myself inadvertently gazing up at the heavens. Fortunately or unfortunately, the Nasu Highlands sky was covered in even thicker clouds than when I last checked.

The moon was nowhere to be seen.

There was hardly any difference between the view when I was facing forward and when I was looking at the sky. It's fine for now, but what about tomorrow night? Was the weather different between Nasu Highlands and Oku-Nikko? They say mountain weather is fickle.

“If you absolutely insist that I adhere to the hierarchical order involving master and servant, I could break the Killing Stone into even smaller pieces and dispose of it with no trace left behind.”

“No, it wouldn't do to spread a different rumor. Who knows what kind of legend will be born if a blonde little girl is seen practicing stone-splitting at a historical site at night?”

If such a terrifying story were to become established, it’d blow away my terrifying experience tonight.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

And a ghost story for a ghost story?

“Ah, I see. If one were to experience a scarier situation, it would render the rumor of the Killing Stone invalid.”

“Right. It's like how ghost stories won't scare you if you have toothache. Thankfully, I owe my lack of cavities to you.”

“I understand now.”

Shinobu nodded with a knowing glance.

“Indeed, I recall that back in my heyday, I once tore off my leg below the knee due to unbearable pain from a broken pinky toe. I suppose it's quite similar to that.”

“Mhm… that’s also a way to deal with the pain, I guess.”

Tearing off your own limb seemed to be a unique approach reserved for regenerating vampires. Akin to a lizard shedding its tail or surgically removing an affected area in medicine, I guess. At this point, it was becoming an unsettling preface.

“Fear not. We're not discussing tearing off your leg here.”

“A little girl ripping off your leg in the middle of the night, that’d be a great ghost story. A brand new urban legend. What, are we starting a Hundred Ghost Stories right here? I bet any story told by you, the King of Aberrations, would be the embodiment of terror.”

But could even that surpass this real-life experience? I was the one who brought it up, but— was there a ghost story that could make me blurt out, “My apologies to the nine-tailed fox, but a Killing Stone’s got nothing on this,” after hearing it?

“Hmph… Not so much a ghost story as something I'd been meaning to discuss with you during this excursion. It could very well be scarier than any ghost story for you.”

“Ooh, exciting.”

“Perhaps even I won't sleep tonight. Are you still pondering over that idea of yours, about binding me with your name instead of the aloha boy’s name that's been shackling me all this while?”

“Yeah, I remember the two of us deciding that.”

“I don't recall it being a mutual decision. It was almost entirely on you.”

A husband who rules the roost​, are you? she said. Well, I can't deny that I might have come across as a bit forceful in presenting the idea.

But so what?

Isn’t that water under the bridge?

“Water under the bridge or not, it's not inherently a terrible idea. In the past, it would have been utterly impossible for you to have sealed me away with merely your name, but now you are practically a specialist of sorts. With the support of a veteran practitioner, you could place an even stronger seal on me.”

“A stronger seal? I have no intention of doing that, but—”

I didn't want to rely on Oshino’s name forever, and if anything, as a plan of mine, I hoped to raise her sense of freedom, self-affirmation, even just a little— but would the “veteran practitioner” mentioned here be Gaen-san or Chief Kouga?

“I thought that being controlled by me might be preferable to being controlled by Oshino.”

“That seems kind-hearted of you, but it's quite the dangerous thinking, as well. You criticize slavery when it's to others, but it's fine when you're the one with control.”

I hadn't expected to be called out like that, but yes, I realized it was a self-righteous idea. I didn’t want to admit it to the vampire who creates thralls, but when I paused to think it over, I found that over her six-hundred-year semi-life, Shinobu had created only two thralls, including myself.

Maybe from the beginning, this vampire was opposed to the idea of enslavement.

“You’re correct. In my case, before I became a vampire, I had witnessed Death's own thralls. Having been shown such a forceful master-servant relationship and having it ingrained in my subconscious, I may have developed an aversion to it.”

Seishirou and I, we may have been unwillingly created as slaves— no, there was no doubt that we both were vampires born out of emergency escapes. At the very least, we weren’t slaves born out of Shinobu's free will.

“If you value humanity, you might think that instead of transferring control by binding with a name, it’d be more reasonable to liberate slaves…”

“To be honest, I'm not entirely jesting about this matter either. I have no intention of blaming your sense of ethics, and it's a fact that, thanks to you, I was able to end my life on the lam. Since my identity has changed many times before, it might be a little amusing to be bound by your name. I rather like the name Oshino Shinobu, but I have to admit, there's something about it that makes me feel that aloha boy decided it on a whim.”

While I didn’t think it was entirely arbitrary, I couldn’t deny the feeling that wordplay had played a role in the decision.

“But master, I believe it's a foul idea to make me your 'daughter.' That isn’t simply going too far, it's running amok.”

“Hm? Really? It sounded really nice to me. But I don't plan to decide this alone. As wicked as I may be, I'm not self-righteous.”

“I believe they’re similar, those two.”

“But I'll admit there's a problem with the way I’m going about it. I'll make sure to get your approval, and obtain Hitagi's consent according to the proper procedures. No surprises, no casual conversations in the car.”

To not treat her like a servant or a slave, but to take her in as a foster daughter, I think it was pretty progressive for our time… Not running amok, but running side by side.

“So, maybe there's no need to bother Chief Kouga or Gaen-san about changing your name. Oikura can handle it.”

“’Tis a tragedy for that girl to find someone like you waiting for her at the end of her search for safety— worse than being beaten by her parents.”

After completely denying the foundation of my friendship with Oikura, Shinobu shook her head and pressed further, “Perhaps I should speak more clearly so that my message gets across?”

“I am not negating your philanthropy, no. As I've said numerous times, I have been saved by it, and it has brought me joy. I am even allowed to be lazy because of it, and it has guaranteed me a comfortable retirement. I may look different to you, but no matter how my name changes, I will always be the same. Hence, this isn't my problem— it's your lady's problem.”

“Hitagi's?”

Shinobu had taken a humble approach to their first meeting, leading me to think that it had all gone off without a hitch… I guess not so much? In fact, I suddenly remembered something Hitagi had said back when she had met Hachikuji: she couldn't stand children.

She had even boasted that they should all just die— a line that, while typical of prime Senjougahara Hitagi, was still quite extreme. Not that I wish to criticize her past statements by digging them up, and I had thought she'd completely conquered that weakness at some point, but I realized there hadn't been any situations where she was around children since then.

Even as someone who values home and family, Hitagi had no connection with Hachikuji whatsoever.

“Hmm, there certainly was a palpable sense of tension between us, but I didn't feel any animosity. She didn't seem to want to kill me.”

“What do you take my wife for?”

“Well, she used to be quite the character back then.”

That’s right.

That classmate of ours was exceptionally aggressive against everyone, junior Kanbaru and peer Hanekawa alike. But compared to those times, she had morphed into a remarkably easygoing and affable person.

“There was a side of me that wanted to take advantage of her affability and just let things unfold naturally with you. But now, I think it's better to have a proper plan in place.”

“Ah, and thanks to this plan, I've come to understand that it is indeed best not to place me as your adopted child. Or even force me to be Araragi Shinobu.”

“What are you talking about? That's not what you were saying earlier. Weren't you on the Araragi side?”

“It’s not about taking sides. For you, it may be a matter of personal experience and inherent nature, something you've grown so accustomed to that you no longer reflect upon it. But, after our conversation today and after discovering her true intentions, I've found that the lady of the house is still unaware of this. And to become a family without knowing about it would be impossible— or rather, if she knew, it would be even more impossible.”

“……?”

Her true intentions?

Despite the frank prelude, her words were rather ambiguous anyway. She spoke them like they were stuck between her molars.

“Molars, you say? More like fangs, perhaps.”

“Hmm?”

“Speaking of, how was the barbecue?”

Wait, the conversation just shifted gears.

Or was this some surreal ghost story?

“Well, it was pretty good… I've never had the chance to try this style of dining, even in America, but it's a lot of fun. The campfire brings our spirits up, and it might have something to do with Kanbaru's impressive cooking skills. It was charred just right, not just the meat, but the vegetables as well.”

Though phrases like “life is half-lived without food” were cliché and leave a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, it struck me that maybe, I should have been doing things like this in high school or university.

I think I had been stubbornly refusing to experience the fulfillment so many others had. Maybe that stubbornness, not just barbecue, was what had been really detrimental to my life.

“Come on, did you really want to eat too? Well, there’s a theory that family starts by having meals together, so—”

Tut, tut, tut, Shinobu quickly cut me off, wagging her theatrical finger at me. Then, with a contrasting seriousness on her face, she said.

“’Tis fine for you to eat your meat and veggies; is it fine for me to eat humans, too?”

Really.

Would you share a table with someone like that?

“.…..”

My apologies to the nine-tailed fox, but— a Killing Stone’s got nothing on this.

Prev Chapter | Next Chapter

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Thanks for answering my previous ask!

I have nobody to share this with so hopefully you won't mind me sharing it here: So far, recovery has been going pretty ok for me. For now, I'm avoiding the mirror and I shower with the lights off, and those are behaviours I'll have to work on one day too but for now it seems to be the best course of action, because seeing myself in the mirror would most likely cause me to relapse. Especially since I know for a fact that I'm totally bloated right now, so whatever I'd see in the mirror wouldn't even be an accurate reflection, but my disordered mind wouldn't listen to that.

I'm currently going through the dreaded extreme hunger phase, which is partly why I'm so bloated lol. For the first few days I've been alright with it but it's like the 4th day of my mind and stomach both screaming for food like vultures and tbh I'm starting to feel kinda guilty about it. I realise that it's a part of the process and that it's good for my organism and that my body is trying to repair itself, but my ED is slowly rearing its ugly head and scolding me a ton, saying that I'll gain weight, trying to convince me to look in the mirror, etc. So far I've been able to resist and I also keep reminding myself that I SHOULD gain weight because I've been horrfically underweight all of my life and I'd be much better off at a healthy weight. The only problem that keeps weighing on me is that I have a really big issue with folds. Even though folds are completely normal and everyone who's not very underweight has them when they slouch or sit, my mind has somehow become convinced that rolls mean being fat. I'm not sure how to get rid of that mentality. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Another thing I found out is that I might have to give up romantic relationships for the time being. Even though I've struggled with anorexia for most of my life, going through on and off phases, my last relapse and the worst I've ever had occurred after I got into a relationship. Specifically it seems that a lot of my behaviour hinges on the obsession with being "perfect" for my partner. I can't let go of thinking about needing to be as thin and hourglass-shaped as possible for my partner, and I can't let go of the fear that if I get to a normal weight and perhaps lose some of that hourglass look, he won't find me attractive anymore and will leave me. I'm like constantly horrified of the possibility of being seen naked or in tight clothes, I'm plagued by the desire to be as attractive to him as possible and then to stay exactly like that for as long as possible. I attempted to talk to him about it before considering breaking up, but he made it clear that he doesn't wish to discuss my mental health problems with me, and as much as I'd like to, I can't just turn this problem off with a flip of a switch. So I decided that I'll most likely break my relationship off and stop dating altogether until I manage t somehow fix my chain of thought. At least I personally think that's the best solution for now.

I definitely don't mind you sharing! I usually do post things my followers choose to share, since I think it can really help create solidarity among the ED community. It can show others that they are not alone, and sharing recovery tips is always a plus too!

It seems like you've got some great harm reduction strategies in place in the form of avoiding scrutinizing your body while you prioritize getting regular nutrients into you again. That's really important. I think you're right that you will eventually have to learn to be able to view your body again, but if you just need to avoid visual triggers in order to eat better, that definitely comes first. You might want to practice just falling in love with your body exactly as it is - as the vessel that is doing its best to take care of you and keep you alive.

So, for example, if you did catch a glimpse of yourself and you happened to notice some recovery bloat or other triggers, you could take time to say to yourself, "That is my body doing what it needs to do to heal me. My body is trying its best to make me healthy and well, and this is what it needs to do." I think body image issues are something shared by all people who are going through health issues, since bodies do tend to do weird stuff while they're healing. Illness is only pretty on TV, not in real life.

Maybe when your ED is scolding you, you can take some time to examine where those thoughts are coming from? Like you could say "I wonder if I should be scolded for enjoying my food as humans do?" Or "I don't think it's such a bad thing to allow my body to heal." Don't try to fight the thoughts or stop them from coming, even though they're hard. Just gently challenge those thought patterns so that you can adjust your thought patterns gradually and become more aware of them. This is what I'd suggest especially when you start thinking about things like rolls, which seem to be a big trigger for you. You can perhaps engage with the thought directly, and say things to yourself like "If I need to hurt myself to pursue a roll-free body, is that something really worth pursuing?" Keep in mind that, since you're deep in ED thoughts, your mind might respond with "yes." As I mentioned before, trying to fight off negative thoughts will only give you more anxiety around them. Instead, acknowledge them, consider what feelings are causing them. The negative thoughts will not change overnight. It will take practice.

I'd also suggest, and this may take practice since it sounds like you've struggled with fear of fatness for a long time, that you just take a moment, when you have the capacity for it, to address how you have learned to think about fat bodies. Do people who are truly fat deserve less love, less respect, less estimation of worth? Society may have taught you that they do, but I think it's time to challenge that. Again, your mentality won't change overnight, so don't beat yourself up.

Lastly, I think it's so, so strong of you to prioritize your health over this relationship. That is such a hard choice to make! But honestly, even though it's really difficult now, I think you will realize down the line that someone who doesn't want to talk about/support your mental health is someone you can't build a healthy relationship with down the line. I hope you get lots of quality time to spend just pouring lots of love and energy into yourself, and perhaps work with a therapist on some of the body and intimacy issues you've been dealing with, if therapy is an option for you. I hope that you get together with someone down the line who is interested in building a relationship based on mutual support!

[junkomc]

Cod x OC【title：Afterglow】第14章

（NSFW/18+ / MｘM / bottom oc）soap x oc/ghost x oc/price x oc/ Pierson x oc / oc x oc

​>>>１・２・３・４・５・６・７​・８・９・10・11・12・13・14・15・16 ​・17・18・19 (Part 1 scheduled to end)

※英語は母国語ではありません。主にGoogle翻訳を使っていますので、読みにくいところがあるかもしれませんが、ご容赦ください。翻訳版の後に日本語版の小説を載せています。

※English is not my native language. I mainly use Google translation, so please forgive me if there are some parts that are difficult to read.

The Japanese version of the novel is posted after the translated version.

―――――――――――――――――――――――――

Chapter 14:Truth （soap ♡ jet, pierson ♡ jet）/Jet learns the truth from Pearson, but...

"I've always regretted breaking up with you. I've always cursed myself for choosing her. I know it may seem selfish, but I couldn't forget you... that's why I divorced her."

Jet was stunned by Pierson's reason for the divorce, and was speechless.

I'm the one who caused it? How dare you say that...

"You were the one who left me and found another woman, weren't you?"

"...I wanted you to look at me more. I wanted you to want me. I wanted you to be jealous... I was stupid to test you. I was really stupid."

Jet felt his heart beat faster, as if his holding back his feelings so as not to get too involved with Pierson was what had led to this tragedy.

Was it all my own doing?

Jet shook his head and stared at Pierson on the screen.

"...It's all in the past, I've gotten over it."

It wasn't true, but it was a necessary lie for the sake of bravado. Even though his heart, once torn apart by Pierson, no longer responded to him, Jet's memories of Pierson were all strong, and the intense, steamy sex with the older man and the way A generous man pampered him were something Jet still craved today. That's why Jet doesn't want to repeat it again.

He doesn't want to lose it again.

"Haruka, I haven't gotten over it."

Pierson spoke slowly, one word at a time, while still staring at Jet. Jet couldn't bear his gaze, so he looked away and said coldly.

"I understand why you got divorced. But why do you think your ex-wife is the culprit?"

"The site you sent me earlier is a site where you can upload videos to individuals, right? When I went to that personal page, there were several other videos uploaded... Her face wasn't in the video, but there was a video of me having sex with her, nudes of me sleeping naked, and several others. All the photos were of my house, and they were first uploaded a few days after my divorce."

"...Could this be revenge porn?"

"I guess so... I'll contact her right away and have her delete the video."

"... Does that solve it? Does she have any other videos of us?"

Jet never thought he would become a victim of revenge porn, so he thought up all the damage it could cause him in the future and considered various possibilities. He was horrified to realize that he hadn't asked who had found the video in the first place. Did someone at this base find it and report it, or did Price find it himself? If so, does Price always look at sites like this? ?

Pierson spoke gently to calm the confused and upset Jet.

"Don't worry, that's the only video I took with you. I'm sure she copied it from my phone without me knowing. ...Anyway, this won't happen again, it's okay."

"So... is that video still on your phone?"

"...Ah."

Pierson's answer confronts Jet with the fact that he "hasn't gotten over it yet."

"...Delete it properly. We're over now...Promise me."

"...Hey, Haruka...is it really no good? Are we over? Can't we start over?"

"...I can't."

"Please, Haruka...I want to see you again. I want to see you properly...I want to apologize, please...can I come and see you after this mission is over?"

Jet froze at Pierson's words. He never expected him to say that he wanted to see him again, so he stared at Pierson for a while in a daze. At the same time, he felt his heart waver, even though he had decided to break up, and he desperately tried to hold it down.

"...Why?..."

"Give me one more chance... Let me see if there really is no chance. If it still doesn't work, I'll give up. ...Please, Haru. I still love you."

Looking straight into Pierson's beautiful eyes, I felt as if he was right beside me. For some reason, I remembered what Ghost had just said, "He was fucking you with his eyes through the screen," and I thought that expression was very apt.

Ah, that's right. I loved his eyes...

"...Please stop...I just want to think about the mission now...I have to go to Japan...and there's also the matter with my father...So...when it's all over, let's meet and talk."

Jet immediately regretted what he said, but it was too late, and Pierson, who was already filled with hope, looked at Jet with a very satisfied look.

"Haru...Thank you. ...Yeah, for now, let's just think about each other returning safely from the mission. Haru, I'm always thinking about you.'

"Will... I'm hanging up now."

"Yeah, I'll call you again when it's all over. See you..."

Even though Pierson said that, Jet felt more and more uncomfortable because there was no sign of him hanging up, so Jet decided to hang up the phone himself. Pierson looked at Jet lovingly until the last moment of the call.

After hanging up the phone, Jet lay in bed, stunned for a while, wracked with thoughts about having made an arrangement to meet Pierson and having ended up calling him Will.

At that moment, a knock on the door brought Jet back to his senses.

"Jet? Are you there? It's me, Soap."

When Jet opened the door, Soap asked with a worried look on his face, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, but... why?"

"Um... I was wondering what happened with the video..."

Jet was upset by his words, and hurriedly grabbed Soap's arm and dragged him to his room.

He quickly closed the door and locked it, then grabbed Soap by the collar and pushed him against the door.

"Wow... you're being proactive today."

Soap looks down at Jet with a grin.

"You idiot!... it's not that... how do you know about this?!"

"How? I found it... well, maybe someone else on this base has noticed too..."

Soap found it? Would a guy like him make use of something like that? What on earth was he searching for on the porn site? How often does he look at it...?

"... I have a lot to ask you... anyway, if you were the one who first discovered it, are you and Price the only two who know about this?"

"Ghost knows too."

"...I see..."

Jet grew paler as he was confronted with the fact that almost everyone in 141 had seen his private pornography. Although he had had full-on sex with Price and had sexual contact with the other two, Jet had no perverse desire to be seen by them drowning in pleasure like an animal in heat.

"I want to ask... Did all three of you watch that video in its entirety?"

"Yes, from end to end..."

Soap wanted to add "many times," but thought it would be a shame to say that to Jet, who was clearly shocked, so he kept quiet. Jet muttered "Damn," and released Soap from the door, turned his back to him, and quietly held his head.

"So... Did you talk to Pierson? Did he do it?"

Soap slowly approached Jet from behind and gently placed his hand on his shoulder. Jet's shoulders shook for a moment, but he didn't turn around and just started talking.

Jet explains that the video is his ex-wife's revenge porn against Pearson, and that Pearson has already dealt with it.

And then... he accidentally blurts out that he's going to meet up with Pearson once his mission is complete.

"What?!"

Soap, who had been listening quietly up until then, suddenly shouted, and grabbed Jet's arms, who had his back to him, and forced him to turn around.

"What were you thinking?! He dumped you, didn't he? You're crazy."

That was true. That was true, but for some reason Jet couldn't accept Soap's words.

I know. Because-

"...You might be the same. You might be interested in me now, but a nice woman might come along and want to marry you. You might like her too, and you'll get married, have a family, and raise children with her. A happy life is waiting for you, so there's no way you'd choose me!"

Jet was talking so quickly that Soap was taken aback and blank-faced, but his expression soon turned grim. Jet was frightened by the face he'd never seen before. And the next moment, Soap grabbed Jet's shoulders forcefully and pushed him down onto the bed.

"...Soap!!"

Soap grabbed both of Jet's wrists and tied them together above his head, then climbed onto his waist and pressed his lower body firmly against him, preventing him from escaping with his weight.

"Soap! What are you doing!"

Jet struggled under Soap, trying to get away from him. Or, more accurately, he pretended to struggle.

Jet's lower body was pressed against Soap's hot, hard penis, and Jet's began to react little by little.

The faint pleasure he felt made him lose his strength, and he honestly had no desire to resist Soap.

In addition, unlike the stern expression he had before, Soap now had the eyes of an abandoned puppy, which was Jet's weakness. He wanted to pat his head and say, "Good boy," but the big dog in front of him knew how to get his affection on his own, even if he couldn't be comforted.

Soap slowly stroked Jet's cheek and kissed him gently. The mere touch of their lips made Jet tantalizing, but he patiently waited to see what Soap was doing. The man in front of him looked at Jet with a sad expression, then he leaned in close again and pressed his nose against his, murmuring under his breath.

"Don't end something that hasn't even started..."

"...Soap"

"You know, right? I want you. From the beginning...I've been yours. I'll never belong to anyone else. Trust me."

Soap combed Jet's hair with his fingers, slowly caressing the contours of his face from around his ears to his jaw, and finally gently touched his lips with his calloused thumb.

"Do you want me?"

Below is the Japanese version

～（１４）真実～

『俺はお前と別れた事をずっと後悔していた。彼女を選んだ自分をずっと呪っていた。自分勝手だと思われても仕方ないが、俺はお前が忘れられなくて…それが原因で彼女と離婚したんだ』

ジェットはピアソンが語った離婚の理由に唖然とし、開いた口が塞がらなかった。

自分が原因だって？よくもそんな…

「俺がいたのに勝手に女を作って去ったのはそっちだろう？」

『…もっと俺を見て欲しかった。俺を求めて欲しかった。お前を妬かせたかったんだ…お前を試すような事をした俺が馬鹿だった。本当に愚かだったよ』

ジェットがピアソンに深入りしないように自分の気持ちをセーブしていた事がこの悲劇を招いた気がして、心臓の鼓動が早くなるのを感じた。

すべて自業自得だったのか？

ジェットは首を振り、画面のピアソンを見つめる。

「…もう過ぎた事だよ、俺はもう乗り越えた」

それは真実ではなかったが、虚勢を張る為に必要な嘘だった。一度彼にズタズタにされた心はもう彼に反応しないとはいえ、ピアソンとの思い出はどれも強烈で、年上の男との激しく熱いセックスや自分を慈しみ甘やかすその包容力は、今でもジェットが求めているものだった。

だからこそ、もう二度と繰り返したくない。

また失うのは嫌だ。

『…ハルカ、俺は、乗り越えてない』

ピアソンは熱い視線をジェットに向けたまま、1単語づつゆっくりと話す。ジェットはその視線に耐え切れず、目を逸らして冷たく言い放った。

「…君が離婚した原因はわかった。けど、何で別れた妻が犯人だと？」

『…さっき送ってくれたサイト、個人でアップロードできるサイトだろ？その個人のページに行ったら、他にも数件動画がアップされていて…彼女の顔は写ってなかったが、俺が彼女とヤッている動画や、全裸で寝ている俺のヌードやら、他にも数件あったんだ。写っていたのは全部俺の家だし、最初にアップされたのは離婚した数日後だ』

「…もしかして、リベンジポルノ？」

『そうだろうな…今すぐ彼女に連絡して動画を消去させるよ』

「…それで解決？他に彼女は俺たちの動画を持ってない？」

ジェットはまさか自分がリベンジポルノの被害者になるとは思ってもいなかったので、それが今後自分に及ぼす被害をひとつずつ頭の中で思い浮かべ、様々な可能性を考えた。そもそも、誰がこの動画を発見したのかを聞いていないことに気づき、ゾッとした。この基地の誰かが見つけて密告したのだろうか、それともプライス自身が見つけたのだろうか？それならば、プライスはいつもこのようなサイトを見ているのだろうか？？

ピアソンは、混乱し動揺しているジェットをなだめるように優しく声をかける。

『安心しろ、お前との動画はあれしか撮ってないよ。きっと彼女は俺の知らない間に俺のスマホから動画をコピーしたんだろうな。…とにかく、もうこんな事は二度と起こらないよ、大丈夫』

「それで…君のスマホにはまだその動画が残っているのか？」

『…ああ』

ピアソンの答えに、ジェットは彼が“まだ乗り越えていない”という事実をつきつけられる。

「…ちゃんと消去して。もう俺たちは終わったんだから…。約束してくれ」

『…なぁ、ハルカ…本当に駄目なのか？俺たちは終わったのか？やり直せないのか？』

「…無理だよ」

『頼むよ、ハル…もう一度お前に会いたいんだ。ちゃんと会って話したい…謝りたい、頼む…、この任務が無事に終わったらお前に会いに行ってもいいか？』　

ピアソンのその言葉にジェットは固まった。まさか、彼にまた会いたいと言われるとは思っていなかった為、しばらくピアソンを見つめたまま放心状態になった。それと同時に何か月も前に別れを決心したはずの心が揺れ動くのを感じ、必死でそれを押さえつけた。

「…なんで？…」

『もう一度だけチャンスをくれ…。本当に可能性がないのか確かめさせてくれ。それでも駄目なら潔く諦める。…お願いだ、ハル。俺は今でもお前を愛しているんだ』

ピアソンの美しい瞳にまっすぐに見つめられ、すぐ側に彼がいるような気分になる。なぜか今ゴーストの言った「画面越しにお前を目で犯していた」というセリフが思い出されれ、その表現は実に言いえて妙だと思った。

ああ、そうだ。彼のこの目が好きだったのだ…

「…やめてくれ…今は任務の事だけ考えたいんだ…。日本にも行かなきゃならないし…父親とのこともある…だから…全部終わったら、会って話をしよう」

ジェットはそう言った後すぐに後悔したが、取り消すには手遅れで、すでに期待を抱いたピアソンは大変満ち足りた様子でジェットを見つめていた。

『ハル…ありがとう。…そうだな、今はお互い任務から無事に帰って来ることだけ考えよう。ハル、俺はいつもお前の事を思っているよ』

「ウィル…もう、切るよ」

『ああ、全部終わったらまた連絡するよ。じゃあな…』

ピアソン��そう言ったものの、向こうから切る気配がなかったので段々と居心地が悪くなり、ジェットは自分の方から切る事にした。通話が終わる最後の瞬間まで、ピアソンはジェットを愛おしそうに見つめていた。

電話を終えた後、ジェットは自分がピアソンと会う約束をしてしまったこと、結局最後にウィルと呼んでしまったことに頭を抱え、しばらくベッドの上で呆然としていた。

その時、ドアがノックされジェットは我に返った。

「ジェット？いる？俺だよ、ソープだ」

ジェットがドアを開けると、ソープが心配そうな顔で「大丈夫？」と尋ねてきた。

「大丈夫だけど…何で？」

「あの…動画の件、どうなったのか気になって…」

ジェットはその言葉に動揺し、慌ててソープの腕を掴み自分の部屋に引きずり込んだ。

急いでドアを閉めて鍵をかけると、ソープの胸ぐらを掴みドアに押し付けた。

「わお…今日は積極的だね」

ソープはニヤニヤしながらジェットを見下ろす。

「ばか！…そうじゃなくて…何でその事を知ってるんだよ？！」

「どうしてだって？俺が見つけたんだよ？…いや、もしかしたらこの基地の他の誰かも気付いているかもしれないけど…」

ソープが見つけた？彼のような男がそんなものを利用するのか？一体ポルノサイトで何を検索していたのか？どれくらいの頻度で見ているのか…？

「…色々と聞きたい事はあるけど…とにかく、最初に発見したのが君だとして、この事を知っているのはプライスと君の二人だけ？」

「ゴーストも知ってる」

「…そうか…」

141のほぼ全員に自分のプライベートポルノを見られたという事実を突きつけられ、ジェットはどんどん青ざめた。プライスとは完全にセックスし、他の二人とも性的な接触はあったものの、発情期の動物のように欲望に任せて快楽に溺れている所を彼らに見られて喜ぶような倒錯的趣味はジェットにはなかった。

「聞きたいんだけど…3人とも、あの動画を全部見たの？」

「見たよ、最後から最後まで…」

ソープは「何回も」と付け足したかったが、明らかにショックを受けているジェットにこのタイミングでそれを言うのは気の毒だと思い、黙った。ジェットは「クソっ」と小さく呟くと、ドアに押さえつけていたソープを解放し、彼に背を向け静かに頭を抱えた。

「…それで、ピアソンとは話をしたのか？あいつがやったのか？」

ソープはゆっくりと後ろからジェットに近づくと、彼の肩にそっと手を置いた。一瞬ビクリとジェットの肩が揺れたが、彼は振り向かずにそのまま話し始めた。

あの動画はピアソンの元妻のリベンジポルノだった事、すでにピアソンが、対応してくれている事、そして…何故か口が滑り、任務完了後ピアソンと会うという事まで話してしまった。

「何だって？！」

今まで大人しく話を聞いていたソープが突然大声をだし、自分に背を向けたままのジェットの両腕を力強く掴むと無理矢理振り向かせた。

「何を考えてるんだ！？あいつは君を捨てたんだろ？君はどうかしてる」

その通りだった。その通りだったが、ジェットは何故か素直にソープの言葉を聞き入れる事ができなかった。

わかっている。何故なら―

「…君だって同じかもしれない。今は俺に興味を持っているかもしれないけど、素敵な女性が現れて君と結婚したがるかもしれない。そして君も彼女を気に入り、結婚して家庭を持ち、彼女と子供を育てることになる。幸せな生活が待っているのに、それなのにあえて俺を選ぶなんてそんな事ありえない！」

ジェットが早口で捲し立てたせいで、ソープは面食らってポカンとしていたがすぐに険しい表情に変わった。見たことのない彼のその顔にジェットは怯んだ。そして次の瞬間、ソープはジェットの肩を力強く握るとそのままベッドに押し倒した。

「…ソープ！！」

ソープはジェットの両手首を掴むと彼の頭上でひとつにまとめ、腰の上に乗り自分の下半身をしっかり押し付け、重みで彼を逃げられないようにした。

「ソープ！突然なんだよ！」

ジェットはソープから逃れようと彼の下でもがく。いや、厳密に言うともがくふりをした。

なぜならさきほどから下半身にソープの熱くて硬いものが押し付けられ、それに影響されてジェットのものも少しずつ反応しはじめていたのだ。

うっすらと感じる快感に力が抜け、本気で彼に抵抗する気持ちなど正直無かった。

それに、さっきの険しい顔とは打って変わって、今のソープはジェットの弱点でもある、あの捨てられた子犬の目をしているのだ。今すぐに「よし、いい子だ」と頭を撫でて愛でたくなったが、目の前の大型犬は慰められなくても自分で愛情を手に入れる方法を知っていた。

ソープはゆっくりとジェットの頬を撫でると、優しくキスした。唇が触れるだけのそれはジェットを焦らしたが、彼はじっと堪えてソープの様子を伺う。目の前の男は悲し気な表情でジェットを見つめ、再び顔を寄せ鼻先を合わせると吐息混じりに呟いた。

「始まってもいない事を、勝手に終わらせないでくれ…」

「…ソープ」

「知ってるだろう？俺は君が欲しい。最初からずっと…俺は君のものだ。絶対に他の誰かのものにはならない。信じて」

ソープはジェットの髪を指ですき、耳の辺りから顎の方まで顔の輪郭をゆっくりと撫でると、最後にカサついた親指で唇に優しく触れた。

「君は俺が欲しい？」

～to be continued～

[andstilliam]

happy canadian thanksgiving :)

today i am making my waffles for brunch since i only make my waffles on the weekends because of how time consuming it is. unfortunately i'm not feeling the best but i think that's more related to my eating schedule being really thrown the last couple days. i've eaten really late, like around the time i'd be eating my lunch/ snack, so i don't like that but it's not unusual to be more lenient with time on the weekends. i woke up feeling tired and irritable so i decided to make myself a cup of Ethiopian coffee. i also decided to take a vitamin B2 for some energy, mostly because i have a lot of work that needs to get done today and could use the mental clarity, which i have yet to experience and it's already past midday.

i have officially started Hell Week. if you've been following me, then you know that means my fertile window has started. my sex drive is usually high either right before it starts or in the middle.

i keep saying i'll move less and then i don't. but today i definitely want to try to move less simply because it's raining first of all and i've just got so much work to do. i did a load of laundry yesterday but i had so much that i've got to do a second load today.

my latest obsession is air frying apples. i mix them with avocado oil, pumpkin spice, cinnamon and ginger and it's amazing. it's so much easier to eat than raw. i bought huge honeycrisp apples so i usually just eat half per day at the moment. i put the air fryer apples in my salad last night and it made the fries sweet, but it was perfect.

i may not ever stop ovulating regardless of how much weight i end up losing especially since i'm prioritizing nutrients and longevity at the moment. honestly that would be even better because i definitely want a biological child someday. i don't want to give birth but i know that i want options to have my own bio kid. i hate ovulating but as long as i'm losing weight and on my way to skinny, who cares? i can put up with it. my hygiene is better overall and that really improves my confidence. it could honestly be just because i'm actually showering regularly lol but i refuse to believe that's the sole reason. i know my body and it goes haywire with food overconsumption. it's really unfortunate that this is my reality. why am i able to shower daily when i'm straining my body with caloric restriction? i don't know the answer. they say glucose is required for brain function but high glucose levels cause neuronal hyperexcitability which is why epileptics are recommended the keto diet to neutralize that effect with ketones providing the alternative energy source. this is true not just for epilepsy but other neurological disorders. i do wish that more accurate research was conducted on eating disorders, and with due diligence by the researchers to convey our physiological experience. nothing about eating disorders currently really depicts any of why or how our bodies seem to function better this way. and not only that, but i'm still horrified and infuriated by the fact that weight cycling is seen as lethal and yet that's exactly what's promoted with this relapse and recovery cycle, and by my own providers!! to use my disability and mean girl passive aggression to signal that is absolutely horrifying to me. imagine how much energy and function i'm actually preserving by keeping my weight perpetually low because i've learned the truth of enduring anorexia. it's potentially keeping me safer physically. i'm just so fucking confused. are we critiquing the fraudulent "recovery" methods or the illegal research, or both? because both are faulty. some days the lines are just getting really blurry over here. but at least i'm able to momentarily break free from this rumination by engaging in my schoolwork.

i used the kitchen stove for the first time today to make my coffee. i went out with a friend yesterday. he's such a sweetheart and he's very mature. he's younger than me but he's just super mature. it's his culture and how he grew up. i was shocked to find out his age lol. us western babies are incredibly sheltered and spoiled but with a hint of early onset depression lol. he got a job and he's doing well. i initially reached out to him last year since he double majored in my dream combo; neuroscience and computer science. we're kind of polar opposites because he wants to do people centric work meanwhile i'd rather focus on the methods. it was nice to see him and catch up. i didn't realize how little he knew about my life. i mentioned casually that my birth mom had died and he said he didn't know that. and i was like oh haha. i just assume everyone knows but i have forgotten that i must have developed more discretion. i did move to a new province to essentially start over. but that meaning gets lost due to recent events, so i just assume my past has followed me here.

i guess the university of enduring anorexia is wherever i am currently. it's sad that i didn't get the fresh start i wanted but unfortunately that's not what my destiny calls for with the lawsuit. at least i get to stay here and move forward with my life at the expense of better health. i didn't get my neurologist at johns hopkins and that's another pain i've yet to process. i can't even go there yet. i waited 2 years for that moment and it didn't happen. but i'm proud of my resilience nonetheless. i think it's just easier knowing the truth. it's not easier per se, but it is what it is. when you don't understand what's happening, why these sicko healthcare providers keep fucking with your life, why they can't leave you alone, why you can't seem to be free and make the choices you want to make, why nothing works in your favour....to finally have those answers and the answer be "enduring anorexia" and "medical negligence lawsuit" i mean, it's freeing in a way. i'm just so proud of my Enduring Sisters and i'm sorry if i'm ruining it but i'm not going to pretend or create "recovery" social media accounts while actively shrinking my body for the world to see. if you know me, you know i just can't lie and be inauthentic like that but i think that's the point lol. but i'm so proud of you all for doing the thing. you're all so brave for that and you have more strength than i do. i just can't lie and i can't deceive. i can't do it. i'm so proud of you girls, i know it's incredibly hard and infuriating to have to consistently correct the contradictions. you girls inspire me, and i don't want to let you down. <3 i'm so happy that i'm not alone. these doctors, they isolated me. they isolated all of us, but my life the last few years..... i'm talking to walls. i have nobody and i have nothing. i'm not the same girl i was and i don't think i'll ever be. these doctors ruined my life and almost ended my life. seeing you girls, i know i'm not alone and i have a real community. in my dreams, i see us holding hands. i've had no one the last few years....absolutely no one. i'm so happy you girls are on my side. i love you and i'm with you. from one Sister to another <3

[warpspeedgirl]

Got the rest of the stuff out of the apartment and I thought I’d feel relieved since this situation has been causing me so much stress throughout my pregnancy and the past year but I just felt sad. I cried and cried. A lot of bad memories and loss and grief and loneliness there. The best memories I had were when Adiba and I were talking after work and when my friends from the broad and the observatory and my sisters and family would visit. I thought I wouldn’t be able to have a good pregnancy or properly prepare for my baby until I got rid of the apartment and a real separation from her since she was never going to acknowledge how much of a jerk she was being and I was so so hurt by her. I thought about her when I got married and had my shower and birthed my baby and all of the fun traditional African and Jamaican family events that happened in between. I wanted her there for those but I also didn’t. I wanted her to meet my baby and experience how funny and smart and cute he is, to smell how good he smells, and be an auntie to him and take pictures of them like how I do with everyone else who visits. I thought of her brief glimpses in those important moments because a past version of me never could’ve imagined she wouldn’t be there for them. I had some dreams about helping plan her bridal party one day lol. We were going to name our kids middle names after eachother. I wanted her to hold him and kiss him. She loves babies. I didn’t even send her his cute little birth announcement and calligraphy cards and champagne that I made. She’s part of the reason why he even exists. To see how much of a good mom I actually turned out to be! The dichotomy… I think these things, these type of painful separations do happen for a reason though. We both had work to do on our own individually and I just couldn’t see the friendship the same way after all those things she said to. The fact that she could even say those things initially at all. Maybe we’ll have a different kind of way of relating to eachother in the future or we’ll think of eachother differently idk. I’m always going to love her and miss her a little bit. The role she’s played in my life- She’s still an important person to me of course! It ended in heartbreak and so much hurt and honestly horrifying devastation but a lot of self growth for me about what kind of behavior and words thrown on me that I will and won’t allow and that my opinions and views hold weight. We were there for a LOT in eachothers lives. My hospitalizations and when I was severely underweight and underweight. Breakups and family issues and fun times and laughter and going on walks and working out and coffee, talking about our true crime obsessions, and showing eachother art and sharing our experiences and learning from eachother and taking advice from one other quite seriously. Our families liked eachother. Her mom cooking for me and my family, her dogsitting and housesitting for us, me taking her to the hospital and running to her side with tea whenever she was down from relationship issues or needed to come over for a break. I admire a lot of things about her and things I learned from her over the years while simultaneously still feeling really shocked and hurt by her words and actions and, all the things that happened. She couldn’t see how bringing up her case manager was manipulative, she couldn’t see that saying “I’m just not going to ask for help anymore” was manipulative and lead me to defend myself with her saying she “didn’t understand the point” of me bringing up what I’ve done for the apartment after she drove me to it, she accused me of not genuinely trying to understand her. That behavior (and so much more) is NOT okay with me.

I’ve been in so much pain over it and the loss of the friendship and anxiously ruminating over certain hurts for so long. It was a financial and emotional burden. It’s good to be done. It’s good to move on and just actually be able to release shit and not have constant reminders of bad memories associated with the “end”. It’s good to still remember sweet memories. I feel so 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦. And it was is so, so good to come home to my husband and son and his grandparents.

[ofsootandsmoke]

Fine, okay, maybe I do have BPD and maybe I do need help, but that's more horrifying than ruining my life a second time. At least the destruction is familiar. I know what the ruins used to be. It's also so much easier to go down than it is to go up (for me, anyway). Everyone else I love has made so much progress on themselves, and I'm so jealous of them for it. I hate it. I hate it so much and I do drag them down with me because of it, not intentionally. Part of me thinks it isn't fair that everyone moved on and left me behind. Everyone abandoned me in the dirt so they could get better, but what about me? Why do I have to feel like shit? Sure, I can get help now, but I don't want to do it alone, but there's no one left to change with me. It doesn't feel fair. Why didn't anyone care about me? Why did everyone get better without me? What did I do wrong? But even if I get better, does that mean I wasn't ever really hurt in the first place? If I can move on, it must not have been that bad, right? I feel like staying here is the only way I can prove to myself that it was bad. I don't know if I want to move on because I want to be taken seriously, and would anyone even believe me if I was in a fully healthy relationship with the man I say used to hurt me? Why would anyone believe me? I don't think I'd even believe myself. I wish I could destroy that part as much as I wish I could cling onto it. I want to tear myself and everything I love in two so I can hate and love all at once, but it's killing me. I'm killing myself again; it's all I learned how to do successfully.

I want to go back to that time; I miss never knowing if we'd talk kindly or if he'd snap over the smallest slight (I can't be a victim if I miss it, can I? People say I was one, but wouldn't a real victim be glad it's over?) I wish I could treat him how he treated me for a night. I want to scream and cry and hit and kick and know he'll come back like I always did (I had the option of leaving at any time; I wanted what happened. It's my fault. I should’ve left if it was that bad, right?) I want him to make me suffer again and leave me bleeding. Sometimes, I do hope he gets so sick of me that he takes his anger out on me again. I hope that he'll hit me and remember how good it (probably) felt to have an outlet (I know he likes to hear me whimper anyway). I want him to ruin and destroy me and take advantage of the fact that I'm never leaving. I want him to rip me to shreds one last time, and I want it to be the worst of all. Maybe I want to be normal most of all. I want to go on sweet dates and give and get romantic letters. I want to feel secure in this relationship and I want to know all the time that he loves me. I want to stop taking everything as a slight and I want to feel comfortable with not seeing him for a few days. I want the best for us, but, god, I want to destroy us, too.

I don't know how else to get closure. I want us to tear each other apart and I want him to leave me with bruises for weeks and then we shatter and pick up the pieces of each other together. I don't know how else I can close that chapter of my life. I never got a real ending; it just abruptly ended one day and I wasn't ready. I need a finale, closure in some way, but I don't know how else to get it without breaking us both first.

I don't think I'll ever get any kind of closure for it and that kills me. I want that. I want to feel like I can finally put that time to rest. I want to feel okay and I want to move on. This is tearing me apart, and it has been for months. This is killing me.

I miss my husband. I hope he hits me and I hope he kisses me. I just want him with me right now and I want to feel okay.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary245

5/19-20/24

sunday - monday

soon i rlly will quit work.

today was a good day off of work, i got stuff done around the house and worked on one song, + wrote something new ( i feel like almost every day i'm writing little new things, little riffs and new sounds (need to track those better in my notes soon too (i might save that for after i quit cuz it's a bit like busy-work which is too soul crushing to do when i have a real job (maybe why the mixing stuff is so hard for me also))) but this one feels like there's a lot possible for a song, or like, it's already kind of pretty formed as a couple ideas. starting w/ a lady gaga idea which is "start with the chorus" which i don't necessarily believe in, or i guess i don't believe in the other half of the quote (obvious hyperbole on her part) but it's "your song sucks otherwise" or somesuch thing. anyway, that seeped its way into my head and then the little idea i had, some fucked up chord thing, emerged as a chorus to me i guess. so that's fun.

i did also do some other mixing stuff, a couple songs i remixed weren't where i needed them so i got them there, so it's more like i worked on 3 songs but only 1 bit of headway in the track listing basically. it's crazy to think about how much effort i put into all this, and how many people will even notice? it's such like, fast and sloppy sounding (intentionally) music, does the fact that the snare's ring is kind of harsh and weird even come through in the timespan of these songs? it doesn't matter, honestly. just odd to think about.

so 15/32, not too bad, the goal today was 16/32 but that's okay, if i'm too tired and busy with like, having fun i guess, that's better for me probably and i need to not be hard on myself always.

i spent a lot of today, beyond doing the prep for cooking, and actually cooking, and dealing with the horrible creatures we have to share our stupid apartment with, playing vampire the masquerade bloodlines. the game really relaxes me, in a way lot of other games do not. i just really love the atmosphere and that i can be a weird awkward looking vampire girl (i playe tremere cuz the blood magic thing is like so cute tbh. like is there anything cuter than being able to make people explode from the inside??). n-e-wayzzz, why can't i be a vampire irl?? it's so messed up. i would be really good at it. or maybe not but i'd be good at the 'stay in the dark all the time' part.

anyways i am super sleepy, i stayed up too late but i go in pretty late at work tomorrow, so that's okayyy.

i sent off the assemblage poem, or part of it only, to a friend, to see if that can be put somewhere. hope that gets accepted, if not, i'm going to try and work out some shorter poems/poetic-ish things. that has to happen this week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have to make sure i do that or at least approach it.

summer break starts for the kids, i'm really horrified about that. hope it's really nothing but it could be something. awful!!

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!