#I got side tracked by how much I hate the school system but I am disabled and neurodivergent and therefore all of my hatred is disabled hate

[iamyouknow-yours]

School will only be fully accessible when instead of accusing kids who are absent all the time of faking it, teachers are taught to ask what's wrong and listen.

They'll only be fully accessible when they don't start at 7:50 in the morning and end at 15:00. Teenagers simply do not work well with that sleep schedule. All teenagers. But obviously the disabled kids are going to suffer more with that schedule.

School will only be accessible when you can go to the bathroom without asking for permission.

When you aren't cut off from the online content because your parent can't pay the bill (this was during covid, in my final year as well the bitches).

When menstrual products are available to every student - without having to ask for them.

When nutritious school lunches are provided, for free.

When you can eat when you are hungry and not in set times they give you.

When teachers and kids are taught about their sensory needs, and given tools to help eg headphones, quiet fidgets.

When you aren't taught to base your self worth on your academic achievement (that's not really an accessibility thing, but I can say it damaged the neurodivergent people I know more than the neurotypicals).

When you are given feedback, instead of a grade. And then given another chance. And another. And another.

Because the current system taught me to memorise things, in order to be Good and doing a Good Job and not for the joy of learning, not to better myself, but because that is where all my self worth comes from. And it taught me that if I make a mistake or fail at something, then I am a failure. It didn't teach me to try again. It didn't teach me to ask for help. It didn't teach me how to problem solve. It taught me how to freeze when faced with a problem, instead of brainstorming.

And the further away I get from having been in the school system, the more convinced I get that it's traumatic for each and every kid who goes through it, including the neurotypical abled ones.

I mean for fucks sake you don't get taught how to live in the real world.

You get taught how to be a shell of yourself who never questions authority and can't think for yourself and then whoops you're 18, move out, go to university and figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life. What?????? That's an insane plan.

I took a 3 year long gap year and it was the best thing I ever did. I was so burnt out after school. I spent those 3 years getting diagnosed with all my shit, getting help for it, learning about myself, and RESTING. Learning how to manage my own time. Learning how to listen to my body about when it's hungry or needs to pee or whatever.

When I say “school should be disability accessible”, I don’t just mean we need handicap rails and EAs. Kids should be able to miss a day without failing out of school. You shouldn’t be dismissed from clubs because your attendance record is “spotty” (true story). I once missed an entire week of school because of a terrible, unending migraine. I was expected to keep up with my studies despite the blinding pain that came with working on my computer. When I heard my teachers say that you couldn’t miss exams, I asked what I would have to do to be excused from them. Their response? “Either get a doctor’s note an hour before the exam or death of an immediate family member.”

I cannot express how rigid this expectation was. First of all, with my condition, I wouldn’t have enough warning about my sickness to go to the doctor and request a note. For many people, this is exceptionally difficult, especially with the current shortage of medical professionals. Next, it ignores the fact that my schedule may not line with theirs because of my medical needs. Once, I had to visit a hospital a province away (which I was on the waiting list of for over a year) on the same day as an exam. I begged my mother not to take me because I was so nervous that I would be marked as an automatic fail. I was lucky enough to make it work, but that’s only because of my spectacular support system consisting of family members and wonderful doctors.

Disabilities aren’t always about needing a bus that can accommodate wheelchairs. It’s already difficult enough for many of us to maintain school attendance without the harsh punishments involved for skipping a day. We need to be able to miss school without being punished. Only than can you claim that the school is “accessible”

[miyagihawk]

why’d you only call me when you’re high? pt. 2 | eli “hawk” moskowitz x reader

part one

here’s part 2 by popular demand! based off the arctic monkeys song and amazing request by @deadbeatharlz <3 thank you guys for the support on part 1 im so happy you liked it :)

warnings: self harming behavior, LOTS of swearing, alcohol and drug abuse, sooo so angstyyyy buckle up

summary: it’s been 3 months since your last night with hawk, and you haven’t been yourself.

word count: 3,062



The past 3 months have been rough. Maybe the worst you’ve ever been. You fell into the deep hole that you dug yourself. The hole of loving Hawk Moskowitz.

You never thought you’d be one of those people who let unrequited love devastate their whole being. In fact you always thought the whole heartbreak thing was pathetic and melodramatic. Until it happened to you.

You hate yourself for letting him have this effect on you. But there’s a pestering voice in the back of your mind that reminds you: it’s all your fault. He didn’t ask you to love him. It’s just easier to blame him for your downfall.

Parties, drugs, alcohol. Sex with people you don’t even know. High on the same drug that compelled him to call you in the night.

You’ve become so desperate to forget him that you ruined yourself. It hurts your pride to be the whiny heartbroken girl who let a stupid boy’s rejection shatter her self worth. But the hole is too deep and there’s no hope trying to grasp onto the dirt walls to get out.

The worst part of it is that he sees it all. At school, (if you even go) he looks at you like the scum of the earth as he passes by with his little karate gang. When you end up at the same party, he’ll have a disgusted expression on his face and leave as if he can’t bare to look at you. 

Tonight is one of those nights, and you watch him from across the backyard as he goofs around with his friends. He hasn’t noticed you yet, hence why he’s even still here and not on his way out the door to get away from you.

“If you stare at him any longer, I think he’ll shoot up into flames,” your best friend Robby hands you a cup, and you don’t hesitate before downing its unknown contents. The burn in your throat makes you hum with content.

“That’s the plan,” you take your eyes of off Hawk to look at Robby. You gesture to his own cup in his hand, “Are you gonna drink that?”

“Easy there, Y/N. We got here 5 minutes ago,” he warns, but holds out the drink towards you anyway. Robby’s always been worried about you and your habits, but he knows how you can be when you’re told no.

You swallow down the drink in a few seconds, ignoring his remark. “5 minutes? I can beat my record!” you cheer sarcastically, and start walking to the kitchen in search of a keg. Robby follows closely behind you, a wary look on his face.

The fuzzy feeling starts to take over your body as you throw back drink after drink. It’s the buzz you crave every second of every day because it just makes you feel so good. Everything is happier and your cares feel so far away. Hawk feels so far away.

You sit on the couch next to Robby in your dazed trance, drunkenly rambling to him about random things. He glares at anyone who comes near you and looks like they would take advantage of you in your state.

Robby really hates you like this, but he can’t help but feel protective over you. He’s not even a fan of parties; he really only goes to keep an eye on you. You’re grateful even though you act like you hate it when he babysits you.

“Heyyy pretty Y/N! Want some?” Yasmine approaches where you sit, a joint held between her fingers. Her eyes are drooped and she sways as she stands.

You reach out to take the blunt, but you feel Robby push your arm down. “You’re already drunk. That’s enough,” he says sternly, making you roll your eyes.

“I can do what I want, Dad,” you taunt, and take the joint from Yasmine. Smoke fills up your lungs, immediately giving you pleasure. Robby just shakes his head in disapproval as the air around him becomes hazy.

“I’m going to the bathroom. Stay here,” he orders, getting up from the couch.

You nod, but of course, you don’t listen. The sound of splashing from outside sets off a lightbulb above your head and you feel like you’re floating while you walk to the backyard.

Right as you step out of the house, you make eye contact with none other than Hawk. He gives you a distasteful look like always, before turning back to his group. Asshole.

You just scoff and stumble towards the pool, where a couple is making out and a few people are drunkenly playing with the water like little kids.

Reaching the edge of the pool’s rim, you let yourself fall in with a splash. You feel the pressure in your ears start to build as you sink to the bottom. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re cross faded, but being underwater feels like a world of bliss.

The loud music of the party is muted, creating a sense of serenity. The legs of the other people in the pool make you laugh to yourself, sending bubbles from your mouth to the surface. It’s glittery and pretty and you want to stay forever.

You don’t know how long you’re under there for, but you don’t notice your lungs running out of air. It just feels good to be alone for a second. Next thing you know, you feel your eyes start to droop closed; a strange peace overcoming your body.

A loud thrashing noise in the water makes you wake up with a gasp. You swallow too much water as you feel someone grab hold of your arm. It’s all a blur and you’re being pulled up to the surface, taking you away from the tranquil world you were just in.

The music is pounds against your ears again and the air is cold on your skin. You feel your body being laid down on the concrete of the poolside, but everything feels numb. You just feel sleepy and you want to close your eyes again.

“Y/N, hey, wake up. Wake up,” a voice makes your eyes shoot back open. Someone is looking down at you, with a hand shaking your shoulder. Your vision is somewhat blurry, but the mohawk gives it away. It’s him.

You suddenly become aware of the large amount of water in your lungs and you turn over to your side to cough it up. After you get it all out, you notice the people at the party looking at you with eyes of pity mixed with judgement.

“What the fuck were you doing? You could’ve died, are you fucking stupid?” Hawk curses, but even in your inebriated state you can hear a hint of worry in his voice.

You sit up to face him. He looks angry; his clothes and hair are as wet as yours.

Maybe it’s the lack of oxygen in your brain, or maybe it’s the marijuana and alcohol, but you just feel the urge to laugh. So you do. Like a complete maniac. The way he probably just saved your life like he cares is sickly comedic to you.

His face twists in confusion as you break out into a fit of giggles. “Are you serious? You’re fucking insane, Y/N,” he gets up, shaking his head at you. He gives a glare to the people staring, and they look away in fear.

You think he’s going to leave like usual, but he surprises you by grabbing your arm to pull you up. People whisper amongst themselves as he drags you through the backyard, going through a gate that leads to front of the house. You trip over your own feet, still feeling dizzy from almost drowning, but he just pulls you along.

“What are you doing?” you ask, tugging on your arm to try and release it from the tight grip he has on you. You’re both dripping chlorinated water, leaving a track of drops on the concrete below.

“You’re going home Y/N,” he says sternly. You two arrive at his car and he opens the passenger door. “Get in.”

“Hey!” a voice yells from the house and you both turn to see Robby rushing towards the car. He looks pissed, and now you remember him telling you to stay put. Shit.

“Robby I-”

“Don’t get in there with him Y/N,” he says, sending a death stare to the boy next to you.

“I’m taking her home, Keene, so back the fuck off. Get in Y/N,” Hawk snaps, clenching his fists.

You keep quiet, not wanting to add to the fire already starting. They loathe each other; if not because of the karate rivalry, then because of you. To Robby, Hawk broke your heart and made you spiral. To Hawk, Robby is the piece of shit who he thinks is your boyfriend, and he won’t admit it but he’s jealous.

“You’re not driving her, asshole. You’re probably as drunk as her,” Robby reaches to take your arm, but Hawk pulls you back.

“You don’t know shit about me, Keene. I’ve been sober for three months, so yeah, I will drive her,” Hawk picks you up like you’re a doll, placing you in the passenger seat and closing the door. You don’t resist, you just feel tired and your head starts to pound as if the mix of drugs in your system are punishing you. The window’s down, so you can still hear the two boys loud and clear.

I’ve been sober for three months, his voice echoes in your head.

“Oh so now you care so much about her? It’s your fault she’s like this!” Robby raises his voice even more, starting to move towards Hawk threateningly. You begin to feel scared that a physical fight might actually break out, but you don’t know what to do.

“I’m not the one who almost let her die a few minutes ago, am I? Just fuck off, we’re leaving,” Hawk dismisses him, walking around the car to the driver’s seat. You’re surprised by his self control to not throw a punch, especially with his reputation.

“Robby, it’s okay. I just want to go home. I’ll call you, alright?” you reach your hand out of the window in reassurance and he takes hold of it. Hawk clenches his jaw as he turns on the engine.

“Promise you’ll be careful? I’m sorry I left you,” Robby furrows his eyebrows in worry. When he came out of the bathroom, someone filled him in on what happened to you and he almost had a heart attack.

“Promise. And it’s my fault,” you hook your pinky with his, before the car pulls out of the curb and separates you from your best friend. He watches you guys drive away, an anxious expression etched on his face.

The whole situation has sobered you up pretty well, and now you’re left with a throbbing headache, wet clothes, and awkward tension. You hate it. Being sober. You miss the foggy feeling that prevents you from thinking too hard about things. But now you’re inches away from the boy who broke your heart, all by choice.

You don’t know why you agreed to go with him, but did you even have a choice? You’re confused by his actions. He acts like he hates you but he jumps in a pool for you. He yelled at you but he’s driving you home. It all makes you overthink and it causes your head to ache even more.

You hold your head in your hands to try and ease the pain as Hawk drives quietly.

“You good?” he breaks the silence. His voice is softer compared to how he talked to Robby minutes ago.

“Head hurts,” you mumble.

“What were you doing back there? If I didn’t get you out, you’d probably be in the hospital right now,” he says. You peek at him through your hands and his eyes are on the road.

“I don’t know,” you sigh. “It was just peaceful. I didn’t really even think about breathing.”

He scoffs. “Well that’s just fucking stupid. You’re lucky I noticed you were under for so long.”

“Well thanks,” you reply quietly, feeling like a little kid being scolded.

There’s a couple beats of silence before he speaks, “What happened to you?”

The question makes you sit up and look over at him. “What are you talking about?”

“The old Y/N wouldn’t even touch a drink. You’re different,” Hawk taps his finger on the wheel in thought. His icy blue eyes quickly glance at your confused look before returning to the road.

“You happened, Hawk.” You pinch your temples in frustration. Anger starts to bubble up in your stomach at his criticism. At the mention of “old you”.

“I didn’t do this to you,” he shakes his head, as if trying to convince himself of his own words.

“You did,” you raise your voice, making him flinch. “You know it.”

“What, because I stopped sleeping with you? I didn’t make you fall in love with me, Y/N. You did that to yourself,” he spits, sending a knife to your heart and making you see red.

“You knew I loved you way before I said it. But you still stringed me along, didn’t you? You knew I would pick up everytime you called. You knew that I would let you into my bed because I was the girl who loved you no matter how fucking shitty you were!” you fire back, vomiting out words that you’ve wanted to say for months. The alcohol in your system makes you bolder than usual, but you’re grateful for it.

He’s at a loss for words at your outburst so you continue, “I didn’t ask for this Hawk. Loving you. I’m sorry that I’m such a burden and that you hate me so much that you can’t stand being in the same room as me. But please just answer me this and I’ll leave you alone forever. I’ll leave when we show up at the same party and I’ll even hide in the halls so you don’t have to see my face.”

You pause, choking on your words. You didn’t even realize that the car is already parked in front of your house and your clothes are halfway dry.

“Why don’t you love me?” your voice cracks as you spit out the question that has caused you to throw yourself away. The question with an answer that could dissipate your self worth in a mere moment.

Hawk finally looks into your glassy eyes with shock. He could’ve never anticipated what you asked him and his mouth runs dry.

“I told you, I- I don’t deserve someone like you loving me,” he swallows, but you shake your head.

“That’s not what I asked.”

He blinks slowly, trying to come up with an excuse. Any excuse, to avoid telling you the truth. You can see the inner conflict on his face, the panicked speed of his running thoughts.

“You should go home, Y/N,” he deflects, turning away from you. Putting on his mask to keep you from reading him like a book.

“I’m not going until you tell me,” you demand.

“Just get out of the car, fuck!” Hawk yells, slamming his hands down on the steering wheel. It makes you jump a little, but you’re too angry to fear the flames in his eyes.

“Why can’t you just tell me!” you fire back. “You came to me almost every night, so why do I feel something that you don’t? Is it me? Is there something wrong with me?”

“What do you want me to fucking say Y/N! That I do love you? Fucking fine. I love you. Is that what you wanted to hear? Just get out.”

I love you.

The same words you said that made him leave.

“You don’t even mean that,” you blink back your tears.

His voice is softer now, more gentle. “If I didn’t mean it then I wouldn’t have said it.”

“You said you needed me and then you left me,” your voice shakes and you hate how pathetic you sound.

“I-I didn’t leave you,” he stammers before taking a deep breath. “I left because you wanted something more than I could give you. I would’ve felt like a selfish asshole if we became more than just sex, Y/N. You deserve someone like Keene and yeah he’s a pussy but he’s good. Better than me.”

It feels like every piece in the puzzle is being put together. Everything makes sense. He does love you, but he was just afraid. He can’t be near you because it hurts too much to see someone he can’t have. Somehow, you can’t find the anger you’ve held against him for these past months; you just understand him now.

“I’m sorry, alright? For everything. For treating your feelings like shit. All of it.”

You swallow, thinking about his words. It all feels too much and the truth is now looking you in the eye, demanding an answer. You love him, but he dropped your heart on the floor for you to pick up every shard. Is one sorry going to magically fix everything?

“I- I don’t know what to say,” you admit, and he nods in understanding.

“You don’t have to say anything. Let’s just... move on. And you get better... I hate seeing you like this,” Hawk scans your red eyes and dilated pupils. “We’ll get to a better place and you and me, we’ll be good.”

It’s bittersweet, but he’s right. Being together now just because he loves you back would be a huge jump that would only end in broken hearts and toxic cycles. It would be foolish. As much as you want him, the only person who can fix you is yourself.

So it’s a meet up at the top of the mountain, when you’ve both made the journey from opposite sides.

“A better place,” you reiterate, before placing a light kiss to his cheek and leaving the car with a new sense of closure.

a/n: that was longer than i planned and a freaking roller coaster!!!!!!! im not sure if there should be a part 3? lmk what you think maybe it’ll just be short. but hehe i added robby into the mix he was so cute. ty for reading!

taglist for people who wanted part 2 :) ty friends for the support <3 @littlered6307 @deadbeatharlz @spiderman-berries @axastasiasstuff @r0-xie @estupidteen @hawkwhore @idkwhatishouldput4

[your-greatest-queen]

I was in four different middle schools before I finally got to high school and the third one was my favourite because I was there the longest, but it's also the one that infuriates me the most.

They had a "special" program for kids with learning disabilities, like many schools do, but they did it so badly.

I am not and never have been mad at the kids in that program, I am mad at the staff/school system.

I remember being in the third grade, 8 years-old, and every week or so they would bring in this kid who was the same age to sit in the class for an hour or two.

(I'm pretty sure he had autism, but it was a long time ago so I can't remember exactly)

He would scream the entire time. We could not hear our teacher. We could not hear each other. We just heard him screaming.

And his teacher aid just. Sat there. SOMETIMES she would give him an iPad to play a game with the volume turned up all the way. And after an hour or two, she would lead him to the next class.

This went on for the whole year.

Now imagine being 8. You probably don't even know what anxiety means yet, let alone all of the various mental illnesses these kids faced. And there's a kid that comes to your class sometimes and screams for an hour.

What would that make you think?

The teachers never explained anything to us. He just came and went.

And that's just one kid.

There were kids in wheelchairs that couldn't move or speak, they just drooled and grunted. There were kids who were actually in their 20s and looked like it (and this school only went up to grade 8 so they looked very out of place).

Again, remember: the other students were not told anything.

I'm all for treating everybody equally, but these kids were HATED because none of us knew what was going on with them.

I remember seeing this kids that couldn't move and being terrified because I didn't know what happened to them. I didn't know if it was an accident or what.

The kid that screamed for an hour in class scared me without me ever knowing. I still have nightmares sometimes that are just the old echo of constant screams.

The adults? Yeah at that age you don't really understand why there are adults in your school that are students.

There were a few kids who honestly passed for neurotypical but even they didn't have anyone that liked them. And guess why?

Because none, none of these kids were allowed out at recess. They went on their own time.

So the staff showed us the worst sides of these kids, never explained why, and then didn't let us play with them and see their fun sides.

It took me YEARS to move past the stigmas that formed in my mind about mental illness.

I myself have a small list of illnesses now, probably had some of them back then too, which has definitely helped me with overcoming my old feelings. But still.

The school had the right idea about having them all there with us so we got to see that not everyone is the same and that it's okay. Bringing them into our classrooms was good too, but I'm 99% sure that kid wouldn't have screamed for two hours if he knew us and was in the class all the time. I never understood why they didn't get to just be in our class and have their teacher aid with them for support.

My high school has a similar program, but these kids are treated SO much better.

I'm friends with a few of them because they got to be in my classes and were treated like every other kid.

They do have some different class options, but I still see them regularly and none of the students treat them any differently (except the one kid who walks around school saying rude/bigoted/mean things to everyone. Doesn't matter if you're neurotypical or not, you don't treat people like that. We all don't like him).

But anyway, I'm getting off track.

The point is that my one middle school did a TERRIBLE job with their special ed program; gave and are probably still giving hundreds of kids terrible first encounters with people who aren't like them.

And I haven't even really touched on how this would have made the special ed kids feel!! I can't even imagine what that school experience was like for them.

I've managed to get past my internalized ableism, but it was a lot of work and I know a lot of the people I went to school with never will.

I will never not be mad at that school for how they introduced all of us kids to each other and I don't know all the right words to explain my feelings on this, but I wanted to get it out there.

(I was just thinking about it and I wanted to make a post that I could look back on when I figure out how to explain the issues with this. Someday I'd like to write to that school to see if they've changed their way of doing things because I can't stand the thought of them continuing to cause these problems).

If anyone that reads this kinda understands what I'm getting at, please reblog and put this into better words because I am so bad at organizing my thoughts.

[finleyfray]

Damnation

TW: dying, language

Finley sighs as she crashes down on her bed. It was late in the afternoon and she had a half hour break before she needed to go to work. She is tired after the whole day of classes. Lately she was so busy she didn’t even see her girlfriends for two weeks. Fin was living alone, so she had to work hard to be able to pay for her rent and food. Besides this, she was also in her last year at university. 

Those two activities took all of her time and while she tried so hard to make it work, she knew Alex and Maggie were very irritated with her lack of time to meet them and do something together. She promised them she’s gonna have a day off soon, but this was a month ago, and Finley really couldn’t afford a day off. Her rent price went higher last month and now she has to work extra hours to be able to pay for it.

Finley hides her head in her hands. She really misses her girlfriends. It’s only been 10 months that they’re dating, and they haven't even told each other “I love you" yet, but Fin realised that a while back. She loves them and she really wants to spend the rest of her life with them. 

Her phone rings and Finley picks it up. 

“Hey" Fin smiles as she hears Alex’s voice. “Can we come over for a second? We want to tell you something.” She frowns at Alex’s cold voice.

“Hi babe. I would love to but I have to go to work in half an hour.”

“That’s nothing new. Okay, we tried to talk with you, to maybe try and find another way. But I'm done with constant excuses. I’m putting you on speaker."

“What’s wrong?” Finley’s heart beats fast as she tries to suppress anxiety inside her. This doesn’t sound like the Alex she knows. 

“We talked a lot.” She hears Maggie's voice. “And we are really tired. You never have time for us, and it looks like there’s only me and Alex. So we might as well just be like that.”

“What do you mean?” Fin asks with a trembling voice. 

“We are breaking up with you.” 

“What?” She gasps. 

“Yeah. Sorry. We can’t go on like that. You never have time.”

“No, wait, don’t do that, I’ll make time, just give me one more chance, please...” Finley panickes. This can't be happening. After everything, they just decide she wasn't worth it… The woman feels anger inside her. Mixed with pain and sadness, but mostly anger. She hangs up and throws her phone against the wall. Her phone crashes and lands on the floor. Screw that. 

The black-haired woman stands up and goes to the elevator. She still needs to pay for her bills even when she was just dumped. She pushes the button to go down, but she never arrives at work. 

***

Finley opens her eyes and looks around her. She was in a dark room with chains around her wrists and ankles. Last thing she remembers was going into the elevator and then she felt a sharp pain in her head and she was out cold.

The blue-eyed woman has no idea why she was kidnapped. She wasn't any special, she was just working in a restaurant and in the shop and she went to the school. Work… she didn't arrive. Pretty sure they'll just fire her. 

She hears footsteps and tries to locate the people that were approaching. Even in this weird situation, Finley wasn't scared. Safe to say, she didn't even care.

"Good to see you awake. My goons might've hit your head a bit too much." She watches as the older woman enters the room, together with two men. 

"And who are you exactly? And why am I even here?" Fin looks at her confused.

"Lillian Luthor, and you're here to give me kryptonite." The woman spoke and Finley laughed. 

"Give you what? I don't even know what that is, I'm just a student, can't give you anything." 

"You can't, but your girlfriend can. See, I watched you for a while, and looks like you're the one I had to get to make Agent Danvers give me kryptonite from DEO. So now I'll call them, tell them we can exchange, they bring me kryptonite, you walk free." The woman circled her with a phone in her hand.

"Which girlfriend, what do you mean DEO? Also I hate to break it to you but that won't work. They broke up with me, I don't mean anything to them and I'm pretty sure they won't trade anything for me." The black-haired woman huffs and Lillian smiles. She taps on her phone and Finley screams with pain as electricity rushes through her.

***

Alex sighs as she looks at Maggie. She tries her best to not give away her sadness. Her girlfriend looks at her and gently cups her cheek. 

"Talk to me." 

"We shouldn't have. I don't want to lose her. This was a stupid idea. We got so mad when she said she doesn't have time… We shouldn't break up with her. We have to try and fix it." The redhead looks at the floor, her eyes wet and Maggie sighs. 

"You're right. Come on, she should be home already. We try once more, but Alex, if it doesn't work… I'm tired of having a girlfriend I don't actually have." 

"I know Maggs, but… I love her… Yea, it was hard the last few months… And we didn't even go that far in this relationship. But can you remember the time before it went to shit? Her smile that lights up the whole room? The way she checks on you after she knows you had a rough day at NCPD? The way she always knows what to say to make us laugh and feel better? The way she looks at us like we're the most important people in her life? How she says she's proud of us for doing all we can to protect this city. Even though she doesn't know I work for the DEO but thinks I work for the FBI. Maggie, I'm not ready to give her up and I know you aren't either."

"You're right." The raven-haired woman whispers and gently wipes away her girlfriend's tears at the same time blinking her eyes to get rid of her own tears. "We have to figure it out. We can't lose her. While we were a couple, don't get me wrong, I love you, but there was always something missing. And when we met Finley… It felt whole again. We stopped arguing that much. She's like a glue that holds us together. We have a lot to work on but I really think we have to try." 

"Let's get our girl back." 

They both rushed to Finley's apartament and knocked. 

"Finley, please open the door, we want to talk." Alex knocks on the door but she's met with silence. They wait a bit and knock a few more times but there's no response. 

"Use the spare key?" Maggie proposes and the redhead nods, taking out the key Fin gave them a while ago in case something happens. The agent opens the door and calls out. They go to the small room and look around.

"Finley's not here." Alex sighs and watches as Maggie goes to the wall and picks up a broken phone. "I think she was angry. Maybe she's still at work?"

They check the work but the manager tells them Finley never arrived to work. After hearing that, they begin to panic. It was not like her to miss her work. Alex takes them to the DEO and they ask Winn to look for any monitors around her living and work place. It doesn't help that Finley lives in one of the worst places in the whole city, they don't have any monitoring system. Alex calls her sister and Kara arrives in a minute. They're about to send her to patrol when Winn yells.

"We have an incoming transmission. Agent Danvers, you want me to put it through?"

"Yes. Put it through and track it immediately."

"...up with me, I don't mean anything to them and I'm pretty sure they won't trade anything for me." Alex gasps as she hears Finley's voice. Maggie goes to her and she clenches her fist.

"Luthor." She growls. She watches as Lillian pushes a button on her phone and their girlfriend screams in pain. "Let her go!"

"Looks like the transmission is one sided. They can't hear us. We can only see them." 

 --

Finley gasps as she finally breathes. Every muscle in her body hurts. 

"Fucking hell! I told you they won't give you anything, you stupid bitch!" 

"Oh my dear, of course they will." Fin tried to look at the woman but another rush of pain went through her. "They will give me the Kryptonite once they realise they can't track us." 

"Just fucking shoot me already! I told you, they don't care, just get it over with." 

"I can shoot her ma'am." She heard one of the men saying enthusiastically. 

"Stand down Barnes, this is not the plan." Lillian said and Fin smiled, she forced herself to look up at the man.

"Yea, stand down. Good dog. Bet you don't even know how to fucking shoot, don't ya Barnes? Woof woof." Finley laughs trying to make the man angry. He doesn't look too smart, if he loses control, he'll shoot her. "Good obedient fucking dog." 

"Barnes no!" Lillian tries to stop him but it's too late, he fires 3 times and Finley stops moving.

--

"Fucking hell! I told you they won't give you anything, you stupid bitch!" 

Alex curses and looks at the screen. 

"What the hell is she doing!? She should stay quiet, not enrage Lillian more!?" Her girlfriend screams.

"Oh my dear, of course they will." The redhead winces as she hears their girlfriends screams. "They will give me the Kryptonite once they realise they can't track us." 

The agent looks at Winn but he sadly shakes his head. 

"I have nothing yet." He gets back to typing on his computer. 

"Just fucking shoot me already! I told you, they don't care, just get it over with." 

"No, no, Finley, no! Please, no, we do care, don't provoke them." Maggie sobs as she grabs the desk tightly.

"I can shoot her ma'am." 

"Stand down Barnes, this is not the plan." 

They look at the screen and Alex sees Finley reise her head. 

"No! Don't do it, Fin!" She feels it. She feels it with everything that her girlfriend is about to do something stupid.

"Yea, stand down. Good dog. Bet you don't even know how to fucking shoot, don't ya Barnes? Woof woof. Good obedient fucking dog." 

"Barnes no!" 

They hear Lillian scream and then 3 gunshots. They all hold their breath and look as Finley stops breathing. 

"You stupid fool!" It's all they hear and transmission stops. Alex feels herself falling to the ground and Maggie tries to hold her.

"Finley!" The redhead sobs as her girlfriend hugs her tightly, sobs escaping both of them. She can't believe it. It's all their fault. They made her believe they don't care and she felt like she didn't have anything to fight for. It was their fault.

Two days later they held a small funeral for their girlfriend. They couldn't find the body so the casket remained empty. Lena apologizes to them a hundred times. They know it's not her fault, but they still can't believe what happened. It was their fault and the only reason Finley is dead is because of their stupid idea. 

***

Finley gasps as she shoots up to the sitting position. She looks around, she's still in the same room, but there's no one here anymore. This dying was really exhausting. The black-haired woman thought that after dying so many times, she'll be used to it. She doesn't even know where she is. At least Lillian was "kind" enough to let her free from chains. 

Fin looks at her watch to see the date. Four days passed since the day their girlfriends broke up with her. She sighs and finds her way out. Looking at her shirt stained with blood she doesn't have any other option than to ask someone where she is. 

After 4 hours of travelling, Finley finds herself by the door of her apartment. The door isn't locked, but she remembers locking it. She opens the door and in two seconds she's pinned by the door by Kara. Who knew the little blonde had this much power.

"Who are you!?" She growls and Fin sees her girlfriends, ex-girlfriends coming behind her. Their faces pale as if they've seen a ghost. 

"Let me go, what the hell! You can't attack me inside my own house like that!" 

"This isn't your house, this is Fin's house. And she died. So who are you and why are you looking like her!?" She hears Alex growling. "Let's take this impostor to the DEO for interrogation."

Before she had any chance to say anything, Kara flew her to some kind of underground base and tossed her inside a cell. 

"For fucks sake, I am Finley! Let me go, Kara!" 

One thing was Kara, that she could fly and had so much power. Another thing was them locking her up in a cell. She looks at the blonde seeing tears in the corner of her eyes and she turns around and flies out of the room. 

Few minutes later her two ex-girlfriends and Supergirl enter the room. 

"Of course, you're Supergirl. It makes more sense now. And you're what?" She looks at Alex in the same outfit she wears normally to her work. 

"Agent Danvers, Department of Extranormal Operations and this is Detective Sawyer, NCPD."

"Well obviously, I know who you are, I am not stupid. We used to date, remember? Like you broke up with me 4 days ago. I might have trouble with my memory, but I am not an idiot!" 

"Who are you!?" Maggie asks, she looks as if she was on the edge.

"I am Finley. Like you can see it. Like obviously, I'm Fin!" 

"You died!"

"How do you know I died? You weren't there?"

"We saw you dying! You were shot three times!" Alex yelled.

"Yes, see, I know." Fin points at her shirt.

"Then who are you? You're a white Martian?"

"Uhhh, what? No, I am Finley! I am immortal, I can't die!"

"We saw you dying…." 

"Sure, I die but then I wake up after my wounds heal and I'm alive again!" Finley screams irritated.

"This is bullshit! Supergirl, did you get J'onn on the phone?" The redhead asks Kara.

"Yea, he's already flying here. He'll be here any minute and then we'll know who's hiding inside Finley's body." The blonde looks at her sister. "Let's get out of here." They go out and Finley sighs. Nothing else she can do then to wait for that J'onn guy.

--

After J'onn, who Fin found out is director of DEO, read her mind and confirmed that she indeed is herself, she was let out of the cell. Two pairs of arms circled her.

"We thought you were dead…" Alex sobbed. 

Fin closes her eyes and mutters.

"I didn't know that. I thought you didn't care anymore."

"Of course we care!" Maggie huffes while wiping away her tears. "We went to your house to apologise and talk it out but you weren't there… We asked Winn to look for any street footage but there was nothing. And then Lillian transmission… We watched you die!" The raven-haired woman sobs. "We're so sorry Finnie… We got mad at you, but we shouldn't break up… And then we watched you die… We can't lose you."

Finely looks at them while wiping away her own tears. She closes her eyes. 

We're they honest? She sees them now, crying, apologising. But once everything goes back to normal… Will they still stay, or will they run away yet again.

"I understand you're sorry. I am too. I wasn't avoiding you, I was so busy, trying to maintain work and uni. But will you still stay while I will be busy yet again?"

"Finley… you're dead… officially… We pronounced you dead. You can't go back to your old life."

"What!?" Finley screams as she steps back and looks at them. "Why!?"

"Well, you died! How were we supposed to know you're not really dead?" Alex looks at her as if she told her the time.

"I died 75 times and never once did I lose my identity! What do I do now!?" 

"Seventy-five times!?" Her girlfriends look at her in shock.

"Yea, my dad used to kill me for fun. It doesn’t matter now! Who am I now. What do I do now?" 

"We can get you a new identity." The director enters the room.

"I would have to search for work again! Go through 2 years of university again! I don't have the energy to do it again." Fin sobs and looks at the ground.

"I can offer you a job here at the DEO. Your abilities would be very useful and you would train with agent Danvers. If you want, of course." The man nods. "I'll let you think and talk about it. Let me know what you decide."

Finley thought about it. It wasn't a bad offer. Sure, she wasn't ever planning on working for a secret government agency, but is really someone planning that?

She looks at her girlfriends… Ex girlfriends…? Girlfriends? But they look at her too, waiting for her decision.

"Well…"

[amygdalagustd]

Kim Namjoon on Identity

Namjoon explores the concept of identity time and time again in his life and in his music. He tends to focus on how different parts of himself might be in conflict with each other, and the tensions and confusion that goes with that experience. People are filled with duality, sometimes to the point that it tears us apart. The question of “who am I?” seems a simple one, but underneath it lies a lot of complexity. Who do I want to be? Who do other people want me to be? How much of my identity is formed by my past? Can I change who I am? Can I be multiple things at the same time? Who is the real me? What does it even mean to be the real me?

The question of “who am I?” seems to both fascinate and terrify Namjoon. In this essay we will tackle the question together as I explore all the different ways that Namjoon contemplates identity in lyrics and interviews.

From his decision to become a rapper in the first place to the struggle of taking care of himself as a world famous idol to the questioning of what having an identity actually means, we will travel through Namjoon’s career and highlight all the moments that he asks himself:

“Who the hell am I?”

It’s no secret that Namjoon was a very intelligent and driven student who got good grades in school. In his earlier lyrics he often writes about the pressure that was put on him to succeed and follow a certain path in life. As someone who was good at studying it was expected of him to prioritize his education above all else. Namjoon fit into that role well, but behind the scenes his heart was longing for music. He discovered rap and decided that he wanted a different path for his life. BTS’s early work is filled with messages of following your dreams and not letting other people decide what type of life you want to live. Namjoon often talked about the struggles of living in between the expectations of those around him and his own desires for his future. Some of those conflicting feelings are expressed in Voice, the intro song to his 2015 mixtape RM:

Straight A student and underground rapper

I occupied myself all day with being graded with meaningless numbers like beef gets graded

I just wanted to succeed

because that’s the only thing I was told by others so much that I almost got sick of it

The mirage called happiness- I thought it would be held there

But, sitting at my desk, I was never happy, not for a single moment

I secretly hid a blank sheet of paper between the pages of my study book without my mom’s knowing

My identity that I wrote down along the sound of drums and bass

The feeling of breathing that is different from that of receiving grade reports

Even when I was the top of my class, my mind was never at ease

Is it absolutely necessary to want something that others want?

I secretly raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

I again raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

He also touches on the subject in Born Singer, which was released in 2013:

To be honest, I was scared that I was to prove myself after talking big

that I, who used to know only pen and book, was then to surprise the world

I dunno, that I and the world’s expectations are too asymmetric,

I was scared that I might betray everyone who trusted me

I stretch my burdened shoulders and step onto the very first stage

BTS and Namjoon will continue to talk about the pressure of society's expectations and the difficulty of following your own path in songs like No More Dream, N.O and School of Tears. Fighting back against the oppressive school system is a huge part of their message and mission in their early career. They ask their fans and themselves to look at the person that they are expected to become and question if that image is in line with their own dreams and desires. Namjoon wrestled with this question himself, and therefore has the experience and passion to guide others who might be struggling with their identity and the identity that is put on them.

Idol and artist

The concept of being an idol vs being an artist is one that comes back often in BTS lyrics. Namjoon is an underground rapper who ended up in a boyband, and the identity of being an idol is one that he has wrestled with quite a bit. Can you be both an idol and an artist? Does becoming an idol mean that you have to give up on being an artist? Does it matter if you call yourself an idol or an artist? Does it matter what other people say about it?

Namjoon mentions this conflicting identity in Awakening on his 2015 mixtape RM:

Every night I fight myself inside me

My heart pounds, and my colleagues stab me in the back

saying I became a cripple after going into a company

Yeah fuck you I’m an idol, yeah yeah i’m an idol

I hated it at one time but now I love to get that title

Unlike some keep denying [their identity] to the end on television,

I now fully accept myself, and I just do me

Whether I’m an idol or an artist- it actually never mattered

The way you guys look at me was what defined me

I was obsessed over titles and hung up on how people described me

Listen to the rap of the guy who became a bit smarter as time passed

Namjoon gets shit for being an idol from the underground rap scene and gets shit for being an artist from the idol scene. He is hovering in between, writing his rap lyrics with the power and authenticity of a hip hop artist while simultaneously dancing and looking like a full fledged boyband member. He responds to this dilemma with unwavering pride, the drive to prove himself and a fuck you attitude. This energy dominates a lot of early BTS music. They are still trying to find their place in the industry while not really knowing where exactly they belong. Songs like the Cyphers and Mic Drop highlight the anger they feel about the mistreatment they face from both sides of the industry while boasting about their accomplishments and pride in who they are. Just like Namjoon in Awakening, Yoongi also often mentions his struggles with the identity of being an idol in his solo work. In Idol, the title track of the 2018 album Love Yourself: Answer, BTS face the subject head on:

You can call me artist

You can call me idol

Or you can call me anything else

I don’t care

I’m proud of it

I’m free

No more irony

Because I’ve been me all the time

You can point your fingers at me, I don’t care at all

Whatever reason you have to denigrate me,

I know what I am

I know what I want

I never gon’ change

I never gon’ trade

Why do you talk loud “blah blah”

I do what I do, so mind your own business

You can’t stop me loving’ myself

Idol is a proud, joyful, wonderfully weird and confident self love anthem. It’s a celebration of who BTS are at their core. In the song, they have accepted all the different aspects of their identity and they don’t feel the need to fit in with just one label. In the future, they will go on to say that BTS’s genre is just BTS, and they see no point in categorizing themselves.

RM and Namjoon

In 2018, BTS released a documentary series called Burn The Stage. The series followed them throughout the Wings tour and was supposed to show a more raw version of them.

In episode 6, Namjoon said:

Being an idol star, you don’t have a choice but to have two identities. I invested a lot in my identity as BTS and RM, and this is really a dilemma. We need to find ways to overcome this, and I’m trying different things. I study, I read books. I need time to be wholly me, the original me that I know.

Everyone in BTS has a stage name, a person they become when they present themselves in front of their fans. On stage Namjoon is RM, a fierce and confident rapper, a powerful and charming performer, a dependable leader and someone who lives a fiery and intense life.

Behind the scenes, Namjoon is Namjoon, a man in his twenties who is trying to figure out how to be an adult just like everyone else. He likes to go on bike rides, take care of plants, go to museums, read books and spend time in nature. He gets lazy and reads webtunes for 5 hours straight and sometimes argues with the people around him because they annoy him.

Namjoon spends the years of his youth as part of BTS, in the public eye, and sometimes that causes tension between these different parts of himself; the stage persona and the private person. In Break The Silence: The Movie which came out in 2020, there was a lot of talk about identity. During one of Namjoon’s segments he said:

There is also the fear of how well I’m taking care of myself, the Kim Namjoon as a person. Aside from money, fame, and a sense of calling, what do I really have? When you have those things all other things start to feel really valuable. Those who don’t have them would find them really special. I think it’s a repetition of that, so for me, there is a fear about whether I’m faithfully living the story of my life to the fullest.

He also mentions this dilemma in Airplane pt.2 on the 2018 album Love Yourself: Tear where the lyrics go:

Who should I live as today, Kim Namjoon or RM?

25, I still don’t know how to live well

For Namjoon and anyone in BTS, there is no simple answer to this question, as the nature of their job puts them in a position that makes it hard for them to develop a sense of self outside of the work they are doing. Even though Namjoon is part of an incredibly successful band, that doesn't mean he got it all figured out. As he has poured his youth and his energy into becoming the best performer he can be, he now feels like the Kim Namjoon behind the scenes deserves some energy and space to exist too.

Rap Monster and RM

Before Namjoon was RM, Namjoon was Rap Monster, a stage name that he used until November of 2017. The name Rap Monster fits the fierce and somewhat angst-ridden style of music that Namjoon was making in the beginning of his career. He decided to move on from the name in 2017 because it was no longer representative of him and the music that he was making.

In an interview with Entertainment Tonight Namjoon said that RM could stand for many things. He mentioned Real Me as one of the possibilities, but seems to prefer not to pin one specific meaning to the name.

In another interview with J-14 Magazine when asked what kind of advice he would give to himself in 2013, he said:

Hey Namjoon, Don’t name yourself Rap Monster. You’re a human. You’re not a monster. You’re a beautiful human.

Namjoon has often said that one of his missions in life is to love himself. This struggle to love himself often reflects in his lyrics, and now also in his decision to change his stage name, as the old one had some negative connotations to it. Perhaps Namjoons struggle with self acceptance, self worth and self love is one of the reasons that identity is such a big theme for him, as he is trying to figure out how to be a Namjoon that he can love. RM is a stage name that is more aligned with that goal as it leaves more room for flexibility and change.

Map of the Soul

The subject of identity is explored to the fullest in the Map of the Soul era that started with Map of the Soul: Persona in 2019, followed up by Map of the Soul: 7 in 2020.

Map of the Soul is inspired by the ideas of psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung. The words persona, shadow and ego that are used in Map of the Soul come directly from his theory. BTS uses these concepts to examine different parts of themselves and their career over time. A lot of this era feels like a final examination of the question that Namjoon has been asking himself in different ways throughout his entire career: Who am I?

In Intro: Persona, the opener to both albums, Namjoon writes about his journey with identity in the first few lines of the song:

“Who am I,” a question that I’ve been asking myself for my whole life

A question that I will probably never be able to find the right answer for

If I were answerable with only a few words,

God wouldn’t have created all those many beauties

Namjoon realizes that he will probably never have a clear answer to the question of “who am I?” and he accepts that. He recognizes that his identity can’t be summed up by a few words or traits and that this isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it can feel more secure to build our entire sense of identity around one aspect of ourselves (I am a straight A student, I am an underground rapper) but that puts us in a position without flexibility and without space for growth. As different parts of ourselves clash with each other we end up feeling scattered, unsure of who we are, and angry at ourselves. It’s only when those different parts of ourselves are allowed to co-exist that we can find peace and a true sense of self.

BTS will talk about this idea in other songs too, like in Idol, where Taehyung sings:

There are tens and hundreds of myself within me

Today, I greet my another self

They are all me after all,

so I just run rather than worrying

The notion also comes back in the speech that BTS held for the United Nations in 2018. The final message of that speech was to find your name and find your voice by speaking yourself. There was a lot of talk about losing your identity as a young child in favor of fitting in, and Namjoon encouraged everyone to be their own person and to find their own voice back. Throughout the speech he mentions how he is both an idol and artist, Kim Namjoon and RM, and also just an ordinary 24 year old guy. He is saying that he can be many things at once and strives to love all those different parts of himself at the same time.

In the final verses of Intro: Persona, Namjoon boldly and confidently claims that he is no longer ashamed of the different parts inside of him, writing:

Yeah my name is R

The ‘me’ who I remember and who people know

The ‘me’ who I created by myself to speak my mind

Yeah, I might have been deceiving myself, I might have been lying

But, I’m not ashamed of it, this is the map of my soul

The lyrics continue, focusing on duality, complexity and balance within his identity, accepting the different parts of himself that coexist together even if they clash:

Dear myself

You must never lose your temperature

because you don’t need to be warm or cold

Though I might sometimes pretend I’m good and sometimes pretend I’m evil,

this is the barometer of my direction that I want to set

The ‘me’ who I want to be

The ‘me’ who people want

The ‘me’ who you love

And the ‘me’ who I craft

The ‘me’ who’s smiling

The ‘me’ who’s crying sometimes

Living and breathing every second, every moment, even now

Within these lyrics there is a tone of direction and intent rather than one of being lost and questioning. This tone is very strong throughout the entire Map of the Soul concept, especially in ON, suggesting that maybe “finding” your identity isn’t about anxiously defining every single part of your personality, it’s more about choosing who you want to be and boldly pursuing the world as an incomplete human being. In the end, there is no simple answer to the question of “who am I?” and that’s okay.

All lyrics translations come from Doolset. Visit the website for additional notes and interpretations of BTS lyrics.

[smollandtoll]

HC: Scripted Documentary

STOP! CHECK OUT THESE GIFS FIRST 

These gifs give us all the feels, all the super soft Geno is the new guy at the government office job feels. It’s in the way the camera moves in that first gif, very parks & rec or the office, very scripted docuseries.

So here we are imagining some governmental office show shenanigans with Sid and Tanger and Flower and Duper trying to get a suburb approved, or a school or something, LET’S GET REAL probably an ice rink and and Geno is the wildlife and ecological impact consultant brought in to assist the project.

It’s usually just tons of boring paperwork and random occasionally dramatic or frivolous projects and petty office drama and occasional panicky dealing with the public. It’s boring work usually, but Sid is a committed and devoted leader and believes in the system of bureaucracy even when he’s thwarted by various nemesi.

Anyway, Geno shows up on the first day of this new contract looking like that and all the french canadians in their ties and dress shirts immediately turn to watch Sid blush. It is so apparent that he is Sid’s Type™ like...Sid might have based the type ON this guy he is hitting the nail so hard on the head.

“Am in right place?” He’d ask earnestly, eyes sliding over each of them questioningly, voice deep and accented. Duper and Tanger probably take point, ushering him in and ousting Flower from his seat immediately to set G down right next to Sid.

So with their fearless leader somewhat distracted by Geno's arms in that sweater, their round table discussion goes off track like immediately.

Geno is just giving so much side-eye at their weird and borderline intrusive questions. He expected a bit of inquiry as to his credentials, and maybe interests but:

"Why you need know I'm want kids?"

Sid abruptly realizing what's happened to their round table while he was spacing out - imagining peeling Geno out of various thermal fleeces and underarmour layers like a present just for him -  and being SO COMPLETELY MORTIFIED. His friends couldn’t be professional if it came up and french kissed them.

"So sorry Mr. Malkin my colleagues have never been outside." He’d recover the meeting and get it back on track, luckily Geno isn’t too irreparably weirded out...maybe.

And he isn’t, he eventually just like settles into the staff and continues to be tall and beautiful and wear very clingy soft sweaters that make Sid walk into door frames.

(They all razz Sid that he definitely heard like music playing in his head and everything went slomo when Geno walked in the first time and Sid DENYING IT SO HARD JUST BEING SO FED UP WITH THEM. //JUMP CUT BACK TO SID'S TALKING HEAD: ....it was Taylor Swift)

But they discover he also has kind of a hilarious mean streak and he’s an absolute card shark at thursday lunch poker. He’s got a giant soft spot for puppies and kittens and baby animals of all shapes and sizes - they discovered this one bleak and stressful week a blustery February where the higher ups thought it would be a good initiative to give them some office stress relief puppies.

Anyway, there’s definitely a few seasons of Sid pining, Geno and him becoming good friends only to find out Geno is dating someone that he brings to the office christmas party or something. And she’s probably super nice and reasonable and beautiful and funny.

Sid is like KIND OF GUTTED ABOUT IT, and doesn’t fess up to getting Geno this insanely wicked secret santa gift - like a pen’s massage chair that blew the office secret santa budget out of the water or something.

So anyway, probably Sid works really hard on getting over Geno, and even starts dating like a wonderful dude who’s idk a high school football coach or something, very boy next door, very sweet and handsome and thinks Sid is just ADORABLE.

And there’s probably a lot of Geno talking heads about how much he hates that guy.

And a lot of Flower and Duper and Tanger talking heads where they just sit there and silently stare at the camera like ...what the fuck did we find ourselves in the middle of. The UST is STIFLING.

Then there’s probably the episode where like they have a business trip to go on and present their findings and Sid and Geno end up in a layover in the middle of the night in like denver or some shit, throwing popcorn at each others mouths from across the isles and Sid is like:

“You know what’s funny?”

“Hm?”

“I used to have the biggest crush on you.”

“Sid?”

“Yeah it was really embarrassing, I’d walk into doors and stuff when you wore tight sweaters.”

“Very clumsy when first meet. Thought you just get better.”

“Nah, just got used to you I think.”

“Not crush any more?”

“Nah, I mean, I had to get over it, we work together, and no way in a million years would someone like you want to date someone like me.”  but before Geno can question him what that means there’s probably an announcement that distracts them and then Sid goes to the washroom and Geno gets an annoying text from Ovechkin and it’s forgotten until much later when they’re tiding up after a town hall one night and it’s clear that it’s just STRUCK Geno how beautiful and funny and amazing Sid is.

And then he’s being picked up by his boyfriend and Geno is GUTTED.

Geno is not good at being subtle, he pines as well, but on a level that CONCERNS the French Canadians who take him out and get him drunk and get the whole story about how he’s just realizing now that Sid is perfect and wants kids and would run with their dog.

Sid and the boyfriend meanwhile amicably break up because he’s been asked to coach at a higher level than high school, college I guess which is a big deal, and he needs to move, but it’s an important move for his job. He asks Sid to come with him and Sid seriously considers it for a little while, but he knows his job and his family through the job is too important to him, so they amicably break up, and because Sid isn’t very heart broken about it he doesn’t really act any different or see reason to mention it really.

Cue a lot of flirty shit happening between them that neither of them chalks up to meaning anything because Sid is “in a relationship” and Geno is “very uninterested” and the FCs LOSING THEIR MINDS OVER. At this point they are really rooting for them and don’t want to meddle - which goes against Flower’s very nature however so he definitely locks them into a utility closet together for a whole episode.

They get hangry, tempers flare, Geno kicks the door, Sid spills an entire bottle of lysol cleaner on his pants, they sit shoulder to shoulder and talk it all out and right as they’re about to kiss probably Phil opens the door looking for some toner.

Sid likely ducks out to immediately pee and like try to wash the cleaner out of his now RUINED pants and like mutter to himself in the mirror about what the fuck are you doing Crosby. He’s your best friend.

But Geno is probably definitely watching him from the door and just says “That’s best reason we should.” and then sweeps Sid into the kiss they should have had right from the beginning. And it’s all sparkles and fireworks and it’s in a grody men’s bathroom.

fin.

[moonbeambucky]

Hey Neighbor (Part 13)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader, Billy Russo x Reader Word Count: 2663 Warnings: fluff, light angst, brief mention of smut

Summary: You had a plan and then life came along with one of its own. With your future almost derailed you worked hard to get yourself back on track and finally everything seemed to be going right… that is, until your new neighbor moved in.

A/N: I’m still sorry... or am I? 😂

PART 12 | HEY NEIGHBOR MASTERLIST

Sunlight filters in through the part of the window not blocked by opaque curtains, the golden glow reaches Billy’s eyes making him throw an arm up to block out the brightness. He’s careful of his movements, not to disturb you as you sleep against him.

He had a good time last night bowling and meeting all your friends but when you accepted his offer to come back to his place that was when the real fun began. In the comfort of his apartment you sat curled against him on his couch, feeling warmth spread through your body from the amber colored drink in your hand, though Billy was more intoxicating.

You quickly found your way into his bed, tangled together as your hands and lips explored every part of each other until you reached soaring heights of passion and pleasure. Billy was an incredible lover and you hadn’t thought that simply because he had broken your dry spell. He knew how to please and did so generously. You didn’t intend on staying over but truthfully your legs felt like jelly afterwards you couldn’t do anything but stay beside him, falling asleep in his arms.

Billy puts his arm down, shifting just a little so he could face away from the sunlight, the slight movement unintentionally waking you. He felt bad, watching as your heavy lids blinked themselves open a few times before they focused on his beautiful smile.

“Sorry, go back to sleep babe,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

A smile pulled at your lips as you felt the soft lingering touch of his lips. “S’okay, I want to stay awake.”

Billy smiled at the soft noises you made as you took in a stiff inhale of breath, your body tensing up as you turned away from him, bringing your hand to cover your mouth as you yawned. The feel of morning breath was heavy on your tongue so you decided to go to the bathroom, hoping there would be mouthwash you could freshen up with.

Goosebumps prickled at your skin when you pulled off the sheets, sitting up as you scanned the floor for your clothes that had been scattered around the room amidst the throes of passion. Billy’s eyes roamed your bare skin, memories of last night bring warmth to his body, feeling himself ache for you again the longer he stared.

You spotted your sweater, pushing yourself up from the low platform bed to grab the crumbled fabric from the floor, stretching it over your skin. Beside it was your pants though you picked up your lacy bottoms and stepped into them before leaving his room to find the bathroom.

Billy leaned back against the arm he folded under his head, not feeling like getting up to find his phone wherever he last left it. He didn’t need to distract himself anyway since you walked back in, slightly shivering as your bare feet walked along the cold floors.

“C’mere,” he said, pulling back the blanket.

As you began to get back in bed your movements were halted by “nuh uh” as Billy shook his head. “No clothes in bed, it’s the rules.” He smirked, sitting up towards the edge of the bed.

A giggle escaped your lips as you moved towards Billy’s side of the bed, standing in front of him. His hands went under your sweater, holding you firmly by your waist.

“Those are the rules, huh?” You repeated, grinning coyly as you let your hands glide up his arms, caressing his smooth skin until your fingers met a raised ridge along his left shoulder.

Your brows furrowed with concern as you stared at another scar on his chest, having missed both in the dimmed lighting last night. They were clearly old but by the way Billy’s jaw tensed you suspected they weren’t fully healed.

His dark gaze wandered as he focused on something behind you, his trance dissolving from the sound of your sweet voice saying his name.

“There was… this guy, Arthur. He volunteered at the Ray of Hope group home I was in. We all thought he was so cool, playin’ stickball and hoops with us. I was ten or eleven at the time.” Billy clenched his jaw, clearing his throat of the lump that formed there.

His hands dropped into his lap and he began wringing them. “When a grown man tells you that you’re pretty you know nothing good is coming. Let’s just say I wasn’t interested in the kind of games that he had in mind. I went after him with the stickball bat, caught him a few times before he broke my arm… ripped my rotator cuff in three places.”

You had been listening quietly as Billy spoke, not realizing you were holding your breath until his hand cupped your cheek and you let it out shakily. His story wasn’t new– no, unfortunately you had heard about this situation too many times but despite being familiar with this in your line of work Billy’s story really affected you.

No matter who the person or what their story is, you care deeply about all the cases you have from Metro-General but Billy was different. You really liked him and hearing him talk about the terrible memories from his past reminded you about Pietro and what could have happened if someone had been there to help. Growing up in the system is hard enough as it is, but if the caretakers aren’t doing their job to protect these children…

Sighing, your lips flattened into a line of frustration. “I’m sorry that happened to you, Billy.”

“Hey… don’t, okay?” His hands wrapped around your waist as he looked up to meet your sympathetic eyes. “Everyone’s got a story, this one’s mine.”

His lips stretched across his face into something that wasn’t quite a smile but not a frown either. You knew it wasn’t easy to share, something he clearly can’t forget though you appreciated his openness, feeling closer because of it.

Leaning down you cupped Billy’s cheeks, feeling his scruff scratch at your palms as you placed a gentle kiss to his lips. You felt him smile against you as he kissed back, his hands grabbing the hem of your sweater and breaking the kiss for him to pull it over your head.

Billy kissed your exposed skin, softly, slowly as he laid you down on the bed. His touch was like heaven, setting fire to your soul, and together you climbed higher and higher until you reached the apex of pleasure a few more times over.

You got home late in the afternoon knowing you had a novel’s worth of texts to return from your friends, mainly the girls wanting to know all the details. Bucky’s was the only text that you replied to right away. He hoped you would get home safe, and behind your shared wall he let out a sigh of relief, reading your message that you did, even if it meant you were only getting home now.

Bucky shuffled reluctantly to his door, wondering why there’s a knock. Looking through the peephole, he can’t help but let a smile stretch over his face.

“Hey neighbor!” you said, with a beaming smile.

He hadn’t seen you in a few days, throwing himself deep into his work, thankful for the distraction. “Hey Y/N.” Bucky takes note of what you’re wearing, a comfy hoodie and oversized polar bear pajama pants. You always had the cutest pajamas.

“You busy? I was gonna watch a movie and order a bunch of food since my period came and all I want to do is eat. Sorry was that TMI?” you asked, seeing his expression change in a multitude of ways.

He let out a slightly uncomfortable laugh. “Where’s Billy?”

“Working.”

Bucky wasn’t happy with that answer, making him feel like you were settling for plans with him since Billy was busy. He was about to decline, making up a lie about anything just so he didn’t have to feel bad about himself before you continued.

“But I’d rather hang with you anyway. Not that Billy would care about my period like that but, I don’t know, we’re not at that point yet, you know? Like I feel like I can always be myself around you.”

His blank expression turned into a smile as Bucky nodded his head. “Yeah, yeah I get that. I feel the same about you.”

Bucky felt a weird sensation in his stomach as he stood there smiling at you, breaking out of his trance as you spoke again.

“Okay so hurry up and come over. I don’t know what I want to eat. I kinda want tacos, but also pizza. And if you have cookies bring them over because I already ate the ones I had.”

It felt right, sitting beside you on the couch, stuffing your faces and laughing as you watched a movie. Bucky took it upon himself to grab the bottle of Advil from your bathroom, bringing over a full glass of water for you to take for your cramps.

“Thanks. You know, I know you hate relationships and stuff but you’d make a really good boyfriend.”

Bucky was frozen, the only sound he could hear was that of his heart drumming rapidly in his ear. “Y-you think so?” he croaked out, swallowing down the thick knot in his throat with a gulp of his drink.

You nodded, leaning forward to set the glass down on your table. “Why, you don’t?”

“No, that’s… That’s not it.” He turned away from you, silent and contemplative.

It wasn’t always like this. Bucky was a young boy that grew out of the idea that girls had cooties long before his friends did. It started with Olivia. They met in sixth grade, two nervous kids in a brand new school that happened to sit next to each other in homeroom.

Her eyes were like honey and Bucky was stuck, letting himself get lost in her beauty. He memorized the freckles speckled across the nose and cheeks of her sandy brown skin like a galaxy of stars, each one more dazzling than the last. Her hair was polished bronze packed in tight corkscrews that Bucky loved brushing aside so he could kiss her; every morning before they got to class, during lunch where he neglected his food in favor of her lips, and after school when they parted.

Bucky loved her as much as a young man could love a young woman, his first love, the girl he thought he would have everything with. He was a fool to think he could have it all, blinded by his utter devotion to Olivia before he realized his relationship was more one-sided than he realized.

They spent seven years together and not once did Olivia tell him she wasn’t planning their future the same way Bucky was. Olivia meant everything to him and when she was accepted to college on the West Coast Bucky immediately started looking into transferring to a school out there. It didn’t matter that their music program wasn’t as accredited, he was willing to do anything to make what he and Olivia had last.

What Bucky didn’t know was that Olivia didn’t feel the same. Not anymore. She fell out of love with him and was hoping to use graduation as a clean break. She broke his heart and Bucky was devastated.

He didn’t understand how she could stop loving him just like that. How it was so easy for her to let go of all their history; wondering what the turning point was in their relationship and why she didn’t tell him. His trust was broken. She strung him along for months, years maybe? It wasn’t just the fact that they broke up, she had moved on. Olivia was with someone new and every day Bucky asked himself why he wasn’t worthy of love.

He shut down, losing himself in composition, letting the melody of strife carry him through the sea of heartache. It was decided then, by a boy who was barely a man, to take what he needs and never be vulnerable again. It was easy.

It was easy.

Over the past few months everything has changed. There was a moment Bucky was ready to abandon his beliefs. He had grown up, matured; he knows his boundaries and knows there is so much more of himself to give to someone.

Bucky thought that someone could be you. It was a silly idea. You were just friends. But he was friends with Olivia first too. He felt the same ease as you did with him, enjoying spending time with you even if you did nothing. He thought there might have been a chance, somehow for him to break free of the mold he set upon his life and ask you out but someone beat him to it.

You and Billy had been seeing more and more of each other. He remembers that feeling from so long ago, desperate to spend every waking moment with the person that sent your heart a-flutter. Bucky understood when you cancelled plans with him, for the times Billy was able to make a last minute date after work arrangements changed. He understood, even if he didn’t like it. He couldn’t object even though he wanted to. You were happy and Bucky felt worse the more he thought about even thinking of taking that away from you.

He changed the subject, letting the movie resume but the thoughts never left his mind.

For the first time in a very long time Bucky is lonely. While the world is out overspending on chocolates and roses, fancy dinners and champagne Bucky lays in bed, trying to distract himself with a movie. He’s usually alone on Valentine’s Day, by choice. It’s too complicated to sleep with one of his regulars, not wanting to get their hopes up by any means on the day that celebrates love.

Bucky exhaled a heavy breath, upset with himself for being unable to keep his mind off everything. His heart is a dilapidated shack lost in a desolate wasteland. Abandoned after so many years, it’s dust covered, with a haze of cobwebs clouding over the part of himself that used to thrum with life.

And suddenly the walls become unsteady. His heart begins to crumble at the sound coming from the other side of the wall. It’s you, with unmistakable cries of pleasure, in a duet of passion with Billy.

Bucky shudders, feeling uncomfortable for being able to hear something that should be so intimate. It’s payback perhaps, a taste of his own medicine for all the times he’s disturbed you in the same way.

His mind runs wild against his will, imagining you in bed as the soundtrack of your lovemaking permeates the thin walls. It’s bittersweet poison to his ears.

Bucky throws the blankets off him, nearly tripping over the boots he haphazardly toed off earlier as he rushes towards his desk. He grabs his headphones to block out the sounds, a painful reminder of what could never be.

He grabs his phone, scrolling through his contact list. So many names and yet he feels nothing for them. He stops at your name, his chest hitching with agony. He wants what you have. To love fully, and give himself completely to someone. To renovate all the broken pieces inside of himself.

His fingers tap away and Bucky refuses to stop himself of their doing. He’s scared but excited, knowing the threat of getting hurt again is very real but he’s had enough of telling himself that the way he’s been living is what he’s really wanted.

With his own melodies playing in his ear Bucky is ignorant of the way you cry out Billy’s name. He is blissfully ignorant, opening the Tinder app he’s just downloaded, creating a profile because he’s finally ready to give dating a real shot.

PART 14

[maybedefinitely404]

Day 4: Anxceit

@tsshipmonth2020

Day 4: There is a trail of color only you can see that marks out where your soulmate has been.

Content warning: parental death from heart attack (none of the sides), homophobia, religious themes regarding said homophobia, concert, minor sensory overload (Virgil is technically autistic but it’s not explicit).

Word count: 3.3k

The last thing Janus Natter had ever wanted to do was return to his hometown. 

It only held bad memories that stemmed from living in a small town, of homophobia and school bullies and dirty looks from neighbours. Granted, he’d never actually been kicked out of his home after coming out, but word spread like a wildfire and the people in his neighborhood weren’t the most open minded. His mom didn’t talk to him; she blamed herself, and there were all too many nights he walked past her room and heard her praying and crying for the repentance of her baby boy.

So the moment he turned eighteen, he was out of there. Waved goodbye to the woman who stiffened every time he tried to hug her and moved halfway across the country, starting a new life for himself in a rundown apartment and a minimum wage intern job and not regretting it for a second. Everything seemed better for a while. A promotion followed a couple years after, and his apartment was upgraded to one that actually had a separate kitchen and dining room so he wasn’t eating on the counter anymore. Until he got a call from one of his aunts at three am, four days after Christmas.

Obviously, he cried when his mom died. He broke down as soon as he hung up the phone, sitting on the edge of his bed and letting the news slowly integrate into his system. Sure, they hadn’t had the best relationship, but she’d been a great mom up until he admitted the truth that drove a wedge between them. And he’d never really blamed her, knowing his own internal homophobia would only be heightened in her. But it still hurt that she hadn’t reached out whatsoever when she was put into the hospital after the first heart attack. Maybe he would have been there when the second one hit and been able to save her. Or at least say goodbye.

The funeral was rough. None of his family bothered to talk to him, and the one little cousin that ran up to give him a hug was swiftly pulled away. Not like he was expecting much else, but c’mon. It’s not infectious. At least no one commented on him crying again. 

He was on the first flight back out, and after a couple days off work to recenter himself, things seemed to back to normal. It wasn’t as if any part of his daily routine was disturbed. He wasn’t missing any motherly catch up calls, no little packages, no life advice, that he’d never gotten before, so it was almost easy to pretend that nothing had changed. Until he got another call. 

This time it was his uncle, calling in the middle of his work day, to tell him that he needed to come back home and clear out his mom’s house. He was reluctant at first. Why couldn’t someone else do it? What was so important that he had to do it? But the family seemed determined to distance themselves from the house as much as possible, and when his uncle insisted that “we’re all still in mourning, Janus,” as if to imply he wasn’t upset at the death of his own mother, he hung up the phone with a curt agreement to come back as soon as possible. He later got a text that stated the house was going to be put on the market in the coming week, so he needed to get there soon. 

That’s what led to him exiting a cab three days later in front of his childhood home, suitcase in hand, with a disgruntled expression. The house was much less threatening than it had always seemed when he lived there, unassuming and indistinguishable from the other houses on the block, but the memories of lonely nights of crying himself to sleep and craving a hug from his mother were at the forefront of his mind. You’re never going to get another hug from her. He quickly snapped out of it before the tears could rise, thanking the cab driver and walking up to the front door. 

His mother had taken his key when he left, claiming it was to give to a neighbour to water her flowers when she went on a cruise or something equally far fetched, but Janus figured she just wouldn’t want to be surprised by him visiting. This was, afterall, the first time she’d been free from his disappointing presence in years. Luckily, they’d always kept a spare under the plant by the door, now wilted and crusty and dropping leaves when he leaned it over, hand slapping the concrete underneath.

Nothing.

He picked it up off the ground entirely, sweeping the ground directly under it and then scanning the surrounding area with growing irritation. Had someone taken it after the funeral? How the hell did they expect him to get into the house? Oh yeah, come clean the house but we’re gonna take the key! Fuckers. 

A loud crash from behind the door startled him enough to drop the plant, the ceramic pot smashing on the stairs. Whoops. Another sound from inside, something that sounded like a chair scraping on the tiled kitchen floor, and Janus realized with mounting horror that the front door was open a crack. His family had all claimed to not be able to even come near the place, so… Fantastic. Someone had broken into a death house and he was going to have to deal with it. 

The wise choice would have been to call the police. 

So Janus pushed the door open and walked in, ignoring the sudden flurry of memories in favor of following the source of the noise. 

“Hello?” Yeah, smart, Janus, that always works in the horror movies!

Another scrape in the steadily approaching kitchen, accompanied by muffled swearing. As an almost last thought, Janus picked up the first small object he could feel on the entry table, acknowledging its heft and hoping it would be a suitable weapon without taking his eyes from the hall. Here goes nothing.

Then, in a move to top all stupidity, he turned into the room in a whirl, hoisting the weapon above his head, ready to beat down on whoever was rifling through his dead mother’s drawers. Only to freeze.

“Remus?”

“Janus, what the fuck!” The statement was said with a surprising amount of glee. Remus was the only person he knew who could turn swears into something joyful. 

Janus turned his gaze to the floor and the chair Remus was standing on, surrounded by a pile of glass shards. It looked to be the remnants of the entire glass collection, if the amount was anything to go by. Remus gave another shuffle of his chair, the loud shriek sounding again, as he tried to scooch closer without stepping on the shards in his bare feet.

“Why are you holding a banana?” 

It took him a solid second to process Remus’ question before he looked down at his own hand, his fingers curled around the metal banana from the decorative fruit bowl in the entry. 

“No reason. Why are you in my house, destroying my dinnerware?”

“Help me not step in glass and I’ll tell you.”

Finding a broom was easy; it was still in the same place it always had been before he left. Cleaning the glass took longer, what with Remus’ flurry of questions and Janus’ focus between answering him, sweeping, and not whacking Remus on the head with the broom handle. Apparently it didn’t take long for him to become annoying again.

Still, the grinning man had been the one and only reason he’d had trouble saying goodbye to the town, the only person who still gladly befriended him after coming out. He hated to admit how much he’d missed him.   

When the floor was clear, Remus hesitantly stepped down off the chair, wiggling his toes on the ground.

“Why did you take your shoes off when you came in? It’s not like anyone’s gonna be pissed if you track mud in anymore.”

“I didn’t wear any.”

“Of course you didn’t.”

Remus shared a softer look with him, the manic smile drooping, “Hey, I’m sorry about your mom. That’s rough.”

“Yeah,” Was Janus’ incredibly eloquent response. He shook his head, and Remus accepted the subject change with no questions, “So why are you here?”

“Well, I heard you were coming to clear the place out eventually, so I thought I’d get here early and start. Help you out.”

“And…”

“... And snoop around a little bit.”

“There it is.”

“Not like, bad stuff! Just… I don’t know. Deep, dark, family secrets.”

Janus sighed, taking in the kitchen for the first time since entering. “The biggest secret this family tries to hide is me.”

“Dark.”

“Mmhm.” He gasped as two arms suddenly wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him into the most physical contact he’d had in… years.

“Welcome back, Natter.”

“Yeah, well,” He cleared his throat of voice cracks before continuing, “I only got two days off work. So I’m not staying long. I somehow need to completely clear this place out in 48 hours,” He ran a hand down his face, pulling away from the hug reluctantly, “You wouldn’t actually be interested in helping, would you?”

It was more of a statement than a question, but Remus ignored it completely. “You’re only here two days? Inconceivable!”

“You’ve been watching Princess Bride again.”

“We gotta hang out!” The pleading expression on Remus’ face was almost enough to sell him on the idea.

“Weren’t you listening? I literally don’t have the time.”

“I’m going to a concert tonight in Brookton. Come with me!” Remus continued as if he hadn’t spoken, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Just one night, Jan. Pleeeease? I’ll even come here and help you the rest of the time.”

With an affectionate snort, he shook his head, “As fun as that sounds, I’m broke.”

“I can get you in.”

“You’re not paying for me.”

“Who said anything about paying?”

Janus raised an eyebrow, though it was more like how a parent would scold a child than surprise. They’d always gotten into trouble together as kids, and this was just… a level up, in a way. Not that he condoned it.

“I know one of the security guards. He’s one of my hookups, and he happens to owe me a favor or two.”

  Wait. “You’re gay?”

“Shit, I didn’t tell you?!” Remus shrieked, grabbing Janus’ hand and dragging him to the front door, key waving in his face, “I’ll tell you all about it on the way. C’mon, it’s an hour drive.”

Well, looks like he didn’t have a say in it. And he’d be lying if he claimed he hadn’t missed hanging out with his old best friend… or just a friend at all, really.

“Fine, but you’re stopping by your place to grab shoes!”

-----------------------------------------------------

It wasn’t a small venue by any means. It wasn’t Beyonce big, but enough to know that if he lost track of Remus, he’d be fucked. In his rush out the door so soon after a morning of traveling, he’d forgotten his charger and his phone was conveniently dead. Janus kept a careful eye on Remus, following the bob of his neon green and black jacket through the crowd and only distantly wondering what band they were actually about to see. The gremlin kept pushing through, ignoring the annoyed shouts of people he shoved, leaving Janus to hastily apologize each time as he followed in his wake.

When Remus slowed just for a moment, stretching on his tiptoes to find a good spot over the sea of heads, Janus lunged forward and grabbed his sleeve. The taller man raised an eyebrow.

“As fun as it would be to get lost, I’m not in the mood.”

“Ah,” Remus’ eyes settled on a spot near the stage, one that Janus couldn’t see being a head shorter than him, “Good timing. Hang on tight.”

And hang on he did, because Remus fully embodied the physicality of a snow plow and plunged back into the crowd with new ferocity. Janus just closed his eyes and blindly let himself be led, letting the bubbling breathiness of a laugh escape his mouth. It had been too long since he’d just been able to have fun like this, without the threat of work and bills in his peripheral. The chatter was deafening in the best way possible, drowning out his worried thoughts, and the flashing lights that were still visible through his closed eyelids was invigorating. The promise for more elated him. 

When Remus finally stopped, Janus didn’t get the memo on time and ran into his back full force. He grunted and opened his eyes, focused on his throbbing nose, before realizing how close to the stage they really were. The taller man was staring down at him, grinning maniacally, seemingly impressed with their placement as well. 

Then a flash to the side caught his attention, and his throat went dry.

“Remus, look me in the eye and tell me you see that.”

His eyebrows scrunched in confusion before he followed Janus’ line of sight, seeing nothing but the dense crowd. “See what?”

“The light, the light trail…” Janus inhaled sharply through his nose, grip on the other’s sleeve tightening, “It’s my soulmate. He’s here somewhere.”

“Your soulmate? Seriously?”

“Yeah, I…”

“Well, fuck! You’re welcome, eh, Natter? I told you you should have come!” He gave Janus’ arm a light punch, smile widening. “Go find him!”

Janus seemed hesitant, eyes flickering between Remus and the deep purple light trail, weaving between the people and heading towards the back of the venue. “How will I find you again after?”

“That’s a problem for future you. Go, you idiot!”

“Okay, okay! I’m going! Just don’t leave without me!”

He was off before he could hear Remus’ answer, ducking under raised arms and trying his hardest to follow the quickly dissolving trail. Now that he had his eye on it, it had decided that it was time to disappear, and he was quickly losing sight of it. 

No, scratch that, it was definitely getting brighter now. And more concrete around the edges, instead of fading out. Was he close? He weaved past another small group of people, eyes following the purple line until-

There.

Holy shit.

He was stunning, that was the first thing Janus noticed. The purple trail stopped at him, covering him with a faint lilac aura before fading completely, content with it’s work. At first he thought the slight tint to the other’s hair was left over from the soulmark, before the lights switched and he realized, no, his hair was dyed purple. The most eye catching thing, though, besides his makeup, was the bulky pair of… were those headphones on his ears? At a concert? Granted, it hadn’t started yet, but still.

Apparently he was standing in one place for too long amongst the constantly moving hoard of people, and his stillness got the attention of the boy in front of him. He gasped sharply when they made eye contact, shocked from what Janus assumed to be the soulmark that probably surrounded him. And then he started hyperventilating. Bad.

“Shit! Okay, hey, calm down, okay? It’s fine-”

He was cut off by a loud riff of an electric guitar, almost immediately drowned out by the screaming fans that surged forward like a tidal wave. The boy in front of him curled in on himself, hands pressing into the headphones around his ears in an attempt to drown out the noise. Despite his more cautionary side, Janus reached forward and took his arm, guiding him gently towards the door.

“Let’s go outside and talk, alright?”

Maybe following a stranger outside alone wasn’t the smartest idea but… Virgil had seen the soul mark, a gentle yellow glow around this man that quickly dissipated, leaving behind a man sharing an equally shocked look on his face. So that had to mean he wasn’t totally bad, right? Either he was his soulmate or some kind of guardian angel, and neither of those were necessarily bad options. 

As soon as they stepped outside the main arena, it was as if the tight band around Virgil’s chest loosened. Not gone completely, but enough that he could catch his breath. He reached up and pulled his ear defenders off his head, relieved that the quiet was enough that he didn’t need them anymore. They were definitely a life saver, but sometimes the way they muffled noise was indescribably uncomfortable as well.

The man noticed his immediate relief, letting go of his guiding arm and slowing his pace so Virgil could walk beside him. 

“I’m Janus.” 

“Virgil.”

In a blur, they ended up outside the venue, sitting on the curb directly outside the main doors. Virgil was fiddling with his ear muffs, eyes trained on the inky darkness surrounding them. Besides the dull resounding of the bass echoing from inside and steady stream of traffic just out of their view, it was reasonably quiet.

“So, you live in Brookton?” Janus finally broke the comfortable silence, leaning back on his hands.

“Yeah. Not for long, though.”

“Oh?”

“Planning to get out soon. Don’t know where, don’t know how. But I’m not much of a ‘small town’ guy.”

“Brookton counts as a small town?”

Virgil hummed, finally placing the head gear down beside him and closing his eyes, breathing in the smell of fast food from the variety of food trucks around the area. It was a strange cacophony of oil and salt, oddly enticing even if just the scent was enough for his skin to break out. 

“What about you? From around here?”

“Sort of?” He explained his story in as few words as possible, flying over his mom’s general unacceptance and her death, and the fact that he had to clean out her house in two days. “Less than that now, I guess. One and a half. It’s gonna be hell.” His head fell into his hands, fingers rubbing at the temples as if to soothe the headache he was expecting.

Virgil was a good listener, nodding along to the right parts and avoiding those stupid sympathetic looks he was so tired of. It was a nice relief to actually feel listened to, not pitied. 

“My parents are kind of similar. It doesn’t feel like I have much to complain about, though, because… I mean, they didn’t kick me out. Don’t openly hate on me. But it still sucks. They don’t even acknowledge me half the time.”

“Exactly! And then you see people who have it worse, and it makes you feel like a piece of shit for feeling upset!”

“Good match, universe.” Virgil flopped onto his back, purple hair splayed out on the concrete. “It’s the subtle homophobia for me.”

“Ah, you’re a ‘meme person’.”

“Sucks for you, you’re stuck with me now.”

“I’ll manage,” Janus joined him on the ground, suddenly disgusted that he was still in the same outfit that he’d flown in today. He hated the smell of plane, and he must reek of it. But Virgil didn’t seem to mind his general disheveled appearance as he made an abstract comment about the moon being full today, and how that generally meant bad things. Janus made the mistake of asking him what he meant, which turned into a full blown lecture on mythology and cryptids, one that Virgil didn’t have the capability to control. It made him smile though, seeing the emo so utterly delighted to explain it, and he realized with a start that he was going to get to enjoy this man for the rest of his life. Two people who could talk, matched with a person who loved to listen equally as much. Virgil had been right. Good match, universe.

[generalfoolish]

Feel The Heat

Part Three: Architect

Rating: 18+ (minors take a hike)

Warnings: Alcohol consumption, implied drinking and driving (hey! don't do this!), some making out, mentions of sex but no actual sex, and some trauma reflection.

Word count: 3k

Pairing: Frankie “Fish” Morales x OC Juniper Collins

Summary: Idiocy continues. June and Frankie have a date, and a sleepover.

A/N: Hey babes! Sorry for this one in advance. She's not my best. She's also a hundred percent filler. We love her because she's necessary, though. I know it's a little shorter, but I have finals and a million other ideas keeping me from putting the work in. Also, I kind of like where I left it. Feel free to yell at me. Enjoy, anyway 💕

Masterlist | Part Two | Part Four

June took another sip of the wine, she had nearly drained the bottle; and she didn’t even want to know what number beer Frankie was on, but it was good. They had been propped up in the restaurant for long enough that the waiter stopped coming over.

“So what’s Fish about? I’m dying to know.” She asked brazenly, her cheeks tinged pink from the wine, and though her lipstick was long gone, her lips were stained red.

“Ah, I was wondering if you were gonna ask. It’s...not interesting.” He finally said, and they both laughed. “I like to fish, and the spot I go to has a bunch of catfish. I’ve been that way since forever, and in basics the name just stuck. Catfish, that is. The guys shortened it later to just Fish, which is...unfortunate.” June leaned forward on her elbows, and listened. She realized she was in trouble. This man could make anything sound interesting.

“Why’d they need to shorten it? Catfish is pretty easy to say.” She mused, more to herself than him. He took a sip of his beer.

“It was in spec ops, and it was just a mouth full during the shit.” He told her, glancing down. She took the hint.

“Do you eat catfish? I don’t really like it.” She admitted.

“What? No, that can’t be right. It’s great.” He laughed, and took another sip.

“Yeah, great if you love eating a muddy bottom-feeder.” She retorted, rolling her eyes.

“You like shellfish? Lobster? Because, I got news for you.” He said, smirking, and she laughed.

“Can you cook it?”

“Of course, I can.” He scoffed.

“Then I guess you’ll just have to cook some for me.” She teased lightly, the alcohol swimming in her mind.

“No way.” He said flatly. Her face fell, and he continued. “You want to eat it, you gotta catch it first.” She grimaced and shook her head.

“Not so much for fishing.” She explained, dropping her eyes from his gaze.

“What do you do then? Besides, follow my every movement.” He added playfully and she laughed.

“I took up gardening recently.” She reminded him, tilting her wine cup towards him. Samantha wasn’t too far off, he was pretty great.

“It’s a little late in the season, to start.” He told her gently. She squared her shoulders before letting them fall.

“Yeah. I had this great plan, until I thought about it at all. Day drinking has gotten me into more difficult spots though.” She huffed out a laugh. “See, there’s this grumpy farmer I wanted to impress. I wanted to...well, it sounds stupid now, but I wanted to prove that I wasn’t just a pretty face. I was going to bring you something I had grown.” She laughed, and wiped her eyes. “I didn’t think about growing seasons, or the fact that it takes a miserably long time for anything to actually grow.” He laughed with her easily, and she smiled.

“I can’t wait to see what you grow, and I hope you’ll consider me when you have to give most of it away so it doesn’t spoil.” He chuckled, but she could tell he was being earnest.

“I also write.” She blurted out. She was looking to change the subject before it got too deep, before they could get tangled in the implications, and the first thing that came to mind was something she hadn’t told anyone. Ever. The only person who knew she wrote was her publicist, and even she knew June under her pseudonym. She flushed, and tried to backpedal. “I mean it’s not a big deal. It’s really just like not a big deal at all.” He studied her face carefully, before speaking.

“Sounds like not a big deal,” He repeated, each word weighted. “But, if you ever want to tell me about it, I would love to hear.” He smiled and leveled his gaze at hers. She felt incredibly stupid for even bringing it up, but he had managed to give her a graceful out. She wondered if she shouldn’t tell him. She had no idea if this was even a date anymore, and she wanted the weight off her chest. She squared her shoulders again.

“Okay, you drug it out of me,” she laughed, and downed her glass. “I am a published author and no one in my real life knows.” She didn’t follow up. Her words hung in the air, heavy and bloated, before he cleared his throat.

“Why would you share that with me?” The confusion was apparent on his face, and it wasn’t what she was expecting. He looked incredibly touched at the gesture, as if she had just given him access to her most intimate secrets. She paused, and realized dumbly that she had. She had absolutely just revealed to him what might be her darkest secret; and as tame as it was, it was hers.

“I don’t really know.” She said flatly. She felt odd though, as she didn’t regret it. In fact, she felt relieved. “It feels good though.” She assured him.

“What have you published?”

“A half dozen novels about cowboys.” She told him, lamely.

“Cowboys?” He asked with a smile dancing on his lips.

“Cowboys.” She repeated with her own coy smile. “It’s a series, and it is not popular. But, I love it, actually.” She continued, a little bashful. “I lost money the first few years, but sales are actually picking up. I’ll never make my living that way, but I love it just the same.” Her cheeks were blazing hot, and  she finished in a whisper. He nodded, feeling that much closer to her.

The waiter came over to tell them that they should leave, and the pair laughed at how long they’d been sitting and talking. June was disappointed to bring the night to a close, but knew she had class in the morning. Frankie walked her to her car, and leaned heavily against it.

“You going to be alright to drive home?” She asked, watching him sway slightly.

“No.” He told her flatly, a chuckle following. “I’ll get a cab.” She rolled her eyes.

“How old are you? Get in, I’ll take you home.” She told him, pulling him around to the passenger side. He fought her a little.

“I’m out of the way, I don’t want you to have to back track.”

“Fine, we can go back to mine, and in the morning I’ll drop you by your truck. This is on my way.” The proposition was out in the world before she considered it. The words were hanging between them before she had a chance to worry the details out. It seemed simple enough, but the implications went deeper than she was ready to admit. Her worries were confirmed when she heard him suck in a sharp breath.

“I’d hate to impose…” He trailed, but she was already unlocking her car and shoving him in.

~~~

“Of course, I’ll take the couch, you’re my guest.” She told him, huffing in finality. He crossed his arms. Frankie had only barely agreed to the sleepover; he wasn’t getting bullied in the sleeping arrangement.

“No way. I’m not letting you sleep on the couch in your own home.”

“The couch is comfy, though. I slept there last night.”

“All the more reason you should get a proper night’s rest in your bed.” They glared at each other, and Frankie won. Or, so he thought.

“Fine. We’ll both sleep on the couch.” His laugh was sharp and loud, ripped out without warning. He wasn’t sure if it was the booze, but everything June had said had warmed his insides.

“That’s reasonable.” He agreed, and without thinking too much about the movement, he pulled her to the couch with him. He had meant for it to be smooth, and maybe a little romantic. Instead, it was messy and tangled, but when she landed face to face with him it was hard to argue his methods. He felt her breath on his lips, and he leaned forward, testing the waters, and skimmed his lips against hers. She responded in kind, pressing her lips to his with more urgency.

Frankie shifted June so that he was seated and she was straddling him. He pushed back into her kiss, and deepened it slightly. He ran his tongue against her lips, and when she parted them, he slipped his tongue in, tasting and exploring inside her mouth. He licked under her tongue, sucking it slightly, and managed to pull a soft moan from her. He pulled back for air, and noted how her pupils were blown black with lust, her bright eyes darkened. He wondered for a second if his own were so dark, and then she was on him again. She kissed and licked down his jaw and neck, before focusing on his ear. She nibbled the lobe, licked and sucked the sensitive skin around it.

When she pulled away, he almost whined at the loss. She was panting a little, and already swinging her leg off of him. He frowned at her movements, but didn't stop them. She sat heavily beside him, and pecked his cheek.

"Not that I don't want to continue...I just don't think it's a great idea. We've both been drinking, and it's a school night." The realization hit her like a brick wall. "Crap! Frankie! Do you need to get home to Liv?" He chuckled in response, which let her calm down a bit.

“No, she’s at a friend’s house tonight.” June breathed a sigh of relief, and Frankie felt his lips tug up. “Thanks for checking, though.” She nodded, and he just waited, not sure what she wanted next. He hoped it was more than making out. She cleared her throat and faced him, and he felt his smile fall. She looked too serious for anything light., and he braced for impact.

“The way I see it, Frankie, is we have two options here. One, we go upstairs, and I fuck you out of my system.” He inhaled sharply, and swallowed heavily. He could have laughed, if he wasn’t so shocked. “Option two, I go upstairs, alone, and tomorrow I take you to your truck. After that, maybe we can have another dinner...or maybe I’ll go fishing with you.” He did chuckle at her scrunched up face, this time. He considered her options for a moment.

“Why not a third, where both options play out?” He was teasing, mostly. Mostly, he assured himself.

“Well, that doesn’t work for me. I have had too many option three relationships take a nosedive, and I want to give this a chance. But, if you’re not interested in seeing where we could go, then let’s get on with the fun part.” He studied her face, etching every crinkle and freckle to memory. It was so intimate, he realized, being this close without touching. He wanted to take her upstairs. He didn’t really want to even take her upstairs, the couch was fine. She had been burning him since they had met, and he had had every opportunity to reach out and extinguish it. He hadn’t, and he knew why. He knew they could have something here. He had just spent hours with her, and he was already missing her presence. It wasn’t a choice he had to think hard about. He wanted to see her again. But, he wanted her tonight.

He leaned in and kissed her lips gently, pulling away before it could turn into anything more.

“Option two, please.” He noticed her eyes light up, but restrained himself. He could just kiss her all night, if she’d let him. He watched her leave the couch and disappear into another room. He took the opportunity to steady his breathing, and hopefully, calm himself down. She returned with an armful of blankets and pillows. He took them from her, and she stepped away, putting more distance between them than necessary.

“I have some old pajama shorts and a t-shirt from an ex, if you would like something more comfy to sleep in.” She offered, tossing a thumb behind her. He nodded as he made up the couch, not watching her disappear upstairs. She came back quickly and handed them off. He tried not to imagine who had left these behind, which option they had picked.

“Goodnight, Frankie. Kitchen is that way if you need water or anything. Bathroom is there, and I apologize for not having more sleepover supplies, it’s been...awhile.” She apologized, laughing. He waved her off.

“Goodnight, Ms. Collins. Sweet dreams.” He watched her retreat slowly upstairs before turning back to the couch. He was in trouble.

~~~

June tossed for a few hours before relenting. She’d never get to sleep otherwise, she told herself as she slipped her hand beneath her cotton shorts. No, she was too worked up, she reasoned as she made contact with her clit. She came hard in only a few minutes, thinking about how hard Frankie had been against her on the couch. She had been frantic, trying to slow them down, for her own sake. She was already falling hard for him; she didn’t need amazing sex to be the last nail in her coffin. She felt like she knew him, intimately, already. It was ridiculous, she kept reminding herself. It was someone who she had only met less than a week ago. She shouldn’t have invited him into her house. She didn’t need to see him in the morning light to confirm her fears. She had moaned his name into her pillow as she came; no, she knew just what she was in for.

She groaned as she remembered what she had said. “Fuck you out of my system?” She whispered again in the dark, cringing. Who was she? She didn’t talk like that. She taught six year olds. She tried to breathe deeply, and not go into a full-blown panic attack. How had she never gotten any better at flirting? She was grown, she could hook up and still have a relationship.

June squeezed her eyes shut against the memories threatening to crowd her, and reasoned she had made the better choice. They had been drinking, and it was too convenient. Hopefully, he didn’t think she was a psycho for inviting him over, making out with him hard, and then turning him down cold. Well, not cold, but lukewarm. She groaned again. Why was she acting like a teenager? She never fretted like this. Her mom’s cold words flashed in her mind, and she shuddered against them, willing them away. Too late, she thought about Terry.

Terrance, the one who had convinced her to move away from everyone. The one who had promised her everything, and then left her empty. The one who had no kind words or touches for her. The one who had left the taste of rust in her mouth.

She blinked against the tears, and tried to think about Frankie downstairs instead. All she could remember was the gruffness at the farmer’s market, the harsh words at the school, the disappointment in his eyes at dinner, and the coldness after she had turned down sex. She hugged herself tighter and tried to think about the soft touches he had given, the tender kiss, the personal stories, and the deep laugh she was falling in love with.

It was no use, she decided. Mid-spiral, she wasn’t good enough for anyone. She was glad she hadn’t invited him up. She was glad she wouldn’t be used by another man. She would drop him off in the morning, and then that would be that. If she didn’t start loving herself, no one would.

~~~

Frankie stretched against the soft material as light started trickling in through the blinds. He could hear the birds outside, and he whistled softly in tune. He folded the bedding, and padded to the kitchen.

After looking around a bit, he settled on coffee and pancakes. He had noticed the canned tomatoes in the cupboard, and made a note to ask June if they were the ones she had bought from him. He got busy mixing the pancakes together while the coffee brewed. He hadn’t slept so good in years. He had expected a sore back, at least, but that damn couch was probably better than his lumpy old mattress. He cut some berries up, while the pancakes were frying, and smiled as he heard June walk in.

“Morning!” He greeted, cheerfully. She winced, and he let a small chuckle out. “Sorry, uhm, coffee’s ready.” She nodded, but didn’t say anything else. He turned back to the oven, wondering if she just wasn’t a morning person. He noticed she felt colder this morning, and hoped it was because she was hungover.

“You were right about the couch, super comfortable.” He told her as she settled in at the counter. She only nodded, which he barely caught. He turned to face her, one hand on his hip and the other holding the spatula.

“Everything okay?” She nodded again, and he frowned. Something was definitely wrong, but if she wasn’t telling him what could he do. He made her a plate of pancakes and berries, and made one for himself. He sat down beside her, and she ate in silence. In fact, she didn’t say anything to him until they made it back to his truck.

“Have a nice day.” She had mumbled, her lips tight. He gaped a bit before getting out, and slamming the door a little harder than he had meant to. He got into his truck as she sped off, and he slammed the door.

“What the fuck was that?” He asked the steering wheel.

“Whatever,” He said, tightly, throwing the truck into drive.

[soundrooms]

Soundrs: William Fields

My name is William Fields. I live in Arden, Delaware, just south of Philadelphia on the East Coast of the USA. I make non-functional, future-oriented electronic music.

My newest album is ➜ Bokuseki  My 24-hour algorithmic music project is ➜ FieldsOS  My website is ➜ https://williamfields.com/  On social media:

    ➜ Twitter

    ➜ Instagram  Why do you make music?  I played the drums for a bit as a kid, but otherwise I am self-taught. I grew up listening to a lot of different music, but hiphop was a big part of it. I discovered electronic music in high school and was hooked for life. For some reason it resonates with my brain. On a fundamental level, I suppose I make music because I enjoy the process and because the results are rewarding. Music provides me with an endless source of learning and exploration and problems to solve. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride. And maybe in some small way, it’s given me an opportunity to inspire others and leave the world a little better than I found it. On a practical level, music has given me the opportunity to connect with really great people around the world and to travel occasionally for shows, which adds some adventure and excitement to my life.  What are your inspiration sources?  Rhythm: Photek, Squarepusher, Untold, Rian Treanor, Mark Fell, Kindohm Sonics: Autechre, Drum and bass (Noisia & friends) Groove: J Dilla, Flying Lotus, Aoki Takamasa Improvisation: Jazz, Indian Classical Ideas: Brian Eno, John Cage, Thich Nhat Hanh, Yuval Noah Harari, Austin Kleon, George Saunders, Haruki Murakami, various podcasts, my good friend Qebo.  Tell us something about your workflow.  I am always working on my music system (my “instrument”): adding features, removing features, adjusting algorithms, refining, tweaking, etc. You could think of my system as a huge, complex modular patch with hundreds of modules, that has a nice UI, full generative capabilities, and easy state management, but at a tiny fraction of the cost and it fits in my backpack. I ♥ Computers In the process of working on my system, I will occasionally feel inspired by something, so I will hit record and improvise. Most of these improvisations are crap and get thrown away. But, occasionally something magical happens, and those recordings end up getting released. If I know I have a release coming up, I will sometimes have dedicated recording sessions. Some of my favorite releases (like Shackamaxon) have been recorded in the course of a single day.  How would creative rituals benefit your workflow?  Good question. I don’t practice any creative rituals. But, I’m pretty sure going for a vigorous walk beforehand is a good idea. Gets the blood flowing to the brain.

How do you get in the zone?  It usually takes me around fifteen minutes before things really start flowing. So the first few tracks of a session tend to be stiff and self-conscious. In a stressful live performance situation, I’ve found that a little bit of tequila helps!  How do you start a track?  These days, my tracks tend to start with a snapshot that is algorithmically generated by my music system. It is much better at finding interesting musical spaces than I am. So, I will sit there and hit the randomize button until something inspiring comes out. Then I will hit record and improvise with it. I also keep a collection of interesting snapshots that I can load at random. So sometimes I will flip through those until I find something good and improvise based on that.  Do you have a special template?  Yes! I never start from a blank slate. The template is everything. It is my instrument. It has been burned into my muscle memory. I can control the music without thinking about it. I have been working on it since 2012. The fundamental structure is: LEMUR (controller) ➜ Javascript (for state generation/capture/recall) ➜ REAPER (sequencing, synthesis, fx) REAPER is the core of my music system. It is where the sequences are generated, the synthesis is done, and the FX are applied. 

The visuals are generated in real time, triggered by the music via MIDI. So there is very tight correlation between audio and visual events. I am not using audio analysis. The visuals are done in Javascript, running in Chromium. I use Visual Studio Code for development. 

For the visuals I am mainly using three.js. Thank you Mr. Doob! On the music side, I am hugely indebted to Justin Frankel (REAPER) and the Surge Synth Team. What I do would not be possible without their amazing work. What do you put on the master channel?  I try to put as little as possible on the master channel. I have some metering stuff like a spectrum analyzer, an oscilloscope, a goniometer, and a loudness meter. Other than that, the only thing is a waveshaper. It adds saturation, glues everything together nicely, and tames the peaks without reducing the impact of the transients. I’m not sure of the technical term, but it’s a special kind of waveshaper that folds over the waveform when it hits 0 dbFS instead of flat-topping it.  How do you arrange and finish a track?  I perform and record the music in real time to a single stereo pair. I don’t do any arrangement, layering, or multi-track editing after the fact.  How do you store and organize your projects?  When I record something, it goes onto the desktop and on to my phone. When I listen back to it later, if it has potential for release, I put it in a “Release Candidates” folder. Otherwise I throw it in the archive, probably never to be heard again. When it’s time to compile a release, I go through the “Release Candidates” folder and pick out my favorite stuff.

How do you take care of studio ergonomics?  I work in software, so my physical studio setup is very minimal. I have a motorized standing desk, so I can easily switch between sitting and standing.  Tell us something about your daily routine, how is your day structured, how do you make room for creativity?  I work at a day job four days a week to make a living. I have Fridays off and focus on music. I’ve found that mornings are best for detail-oriented tasks like programming and critical listening related to the mix/mastering of my system. Afternoons seem to be best for improvising and recording. Sometimes I wonder if all this music stuff is just an elaborate excuse for me to play with computers. Having said that, I am always thinking about music, listening back to recordings, taking notes on my phone, and making small adjustments throughout the week. I don’t need a big chunk of time. I am able to work in small bits here and there. Also, sometimes while working my day job I set my system to auto-generate new music every thirty seconds. Occasionally something really good will happen and I’ll run over to my computer and hit “Save” so I can perform with it later.  Share a quick producing tip.  (1) Don’t start from scratch every time! Build your instrument. Practice with it. Develop your muscle memory so it becomes fast and intuitive. This approach helps you to develop your own voice, and it’s much more fun than laboring over a DAW for endless hours until you hate your own music! (2) Always level match when doing A/B comparisons. If a plugin is increasing gain by as little as 0.1 db, it will sound better to your ear, even if it is actually damaging the sound. (3) Process as close to the source as possible. Instead of putting it on the master, put it on a bus. Instead of putting it on a bus, put it directly on the track. Instead of processing the track, fix it directly in the synthesis.  Share a link to an interesting website (doesn’t have to be music related).  I just discovered the Solarpunk movement and I think it’s really inspiring. Here’s the ➜ Solarpunk manifesto.  List ten sounds you are hearing right this moment : )  Cicadas Airplanes Cars in the distance Computer keyboard clacking as I type My own breathing That’s all I got. The cicadas are too loud!

Thank you William! Any other mad sound scientists out there?

[emersonfreepress]

okay so is there content that you had planned for the ROs and story in general but then scrapped cause there wasn’t a good place in the story to stick it in? and if so, can you share what it was? 👀 👀 👀

yes, definitely. *rubs hands together* oh man, you done asked THE question today xD I can't wait to get into this 😁

Academics. I almost decided to have classes and grades be a minor part of gameplay, but the more time I spent designing it the more I realized I wanted nothing to do with it 😂 I haven’t really enjoyed academic gameplay in other interactive fiction because I 1) hate having to choose between studying and interacting with awesome characters, 2) have terrible short term memory, and 3) hate school in general!! So instead I just opted to have the MC be really good at school, point blank period so I could focus on social drama and relationships instead! 😆

Physical skills. I spent literal months crafting the catering scene around setting up stats for stamina/endurance, dexterity, and strength instead of just magnetism, confidence, and persuasion. They had their own backstories with the MC’s parents being overly invested sports parents instead and I think the background choices were like... martial arts, gymnastics, and track? But yeah, I ended up scrapping it all because I was spending hours on research about those individual sports so I could integrate them into the MC’s narrative organically but like... when I tried to think of what use they would be in the actual story, I came up blank. Best decision yet, esp since it means a lot less coding!

Skin tone customization. For one, I noticed that a lot of my favorite IFs don’t offer that customization and it hasn’t impacted my experience at all. For two, I originally realized I might as well not implement it since I am striving real hard not to introduce any customization that won’t actually be mentioned in interesting or meaningful ways in-story. I don’t think it’s really all that common for real life friends (esp in high school?) to comment or compliment each other’s skin and like... when it comes from someone who doesn’t share a similar complexion or ethnic background, that type of commentary gets... d i c e y. So then I wanted to be sensitive to that but what’s the pay-off? An RO mentioning how they love your skin tone once? Awkward sentences with the MC referring to their own skin color? Idk, just wasn’t vibing with it. I’m open to revisiting it in beta or something but for now it’s scrapped.

Singing, Rapping, and Gaming as Hobbies/Talents. I feel bad about scrapping these, honestly 😂 They’re great and I really wanted to incorporate them but it just came down to already having a lot of stuff to code. Plus, I know I can write the Hobbies/Talents I stuck with far better. And for Book 2 purposes, as well!

Leo. as @sourandflightypeaches ​​ asked me about a long while ago, I had to scrap an entire RO 😢 His name is Leo, he was the nephew of wealthy west African diplomats residing in Emerson, and I love him dearly! His backstory was largely based on my mother’s childhood and the circumstances she lived through after immigrating to America. and... ok, i’m about to go on one hell of a tangent so buckle up and bear with me if you can 😅

my intention with this story, aside from writing things that I personally enjoy (graphic violence, spooky woods, social drama, romance, conspiracies 😚), is to explore greed, wealth, and how the ways people and families interact with those two things influence young people and who they grow up to be. here i go sounding pretentious af 😝 and here’s where I apply a cut for those who want to preserve a little mystery to the main characters!

With Gabe, we’ve got someone who grew up with very little stability or financial security but who has found unscrupulous methods to gain status and money, with both noble and selfish motivations.

Kile has some of that childhood experience in common with Gabe, having been in the foster care system since infancy, but they lucked out when they were adopted into massive wealth by a caring, loving couple—a couple that uses their wealth and privilege to be far more lenient and protective of Kile than is actually reasonable or responsible.

Jack comes from a prestigious wealthy family on his dad’s side who he loves dearly but there’s no getting around the fact that they love him back as much as they despise his working class mom.

Jessie is a spoiled sweet heiress (being the baby of her family and the only girl) and while she lives blissfully ignorant of the harmful source and impact of her father's income and career, she bears the weight of the expectation to fulfill very traditional gender roles, including her behavior and appearance, but also extending to her career and life plans.

Rain's wealth led to them growing up sheltered and isolated but also extremely accommodated, giving them maximum freedom and opportunity to discover and develop their personal talents and interests. However, they have almost no positive relationship with their parents who have essentially decided to give up on a kid that couldn't be exactly the accessory they tried to mold them to be—both in terms of their identity and personality.

Rupan/Rohan, at their very core, rejects everything about conformity, self-importance, and excessive luxury—which means they have never, ever truly fit in with their peers. Going full non-conformist, however, has resulted in them becoming alienated from much of their family, as well, despite them all loving each other very much. Their history with false friends and betrayals has led them to over-indulge in their vices and reckless behavior to compensate for that isolation. Sometimes, they just get in over their head and many times, they know better. Every time, it's just that the feeling of finally belonging is utterly intoxicating.

Vivian/Vincent has two extremely successful parents who didn't inherit but instead built up their wealth and they aspire to be just like them, to a degree that is well and truly unhealthy. Their mother specifically is an over-achiever and applies mountainous pressure for them to follow in her footsteps, especially academically. Vi is completely capable of achieving what their mom expects of them, but they were already an extremely sensitive perfectionist so this has made them intensely critical of themself. This is a large part of why they are such a rigid, no-nonsense person and that in turn has made them one of the most disliked people among their peers—which is a huge personal failure to them since their father is a very well-liked and socially successful person in town.

And the Emersons are peak privilege: inherent high social status, brains, looks, charisma, athleticism, and massive wealth. They could never have been anything less than extremely popular, just by virtue of their last name and the nature of the town's social dynamics and politics. And they do enjoy that privilege (esp Curt lol). However, it should go without saying that being so high profile, even (or maybe especially) just in the isolated scope of your hometown, isn't always a boon. Their family's and their own perceived failings are widely discussed and privately mocked and/or celebrated. Real friends are scarce while fake ones and snakes are plentiful. Plus their dad is a gigantic dickhead who sees his kids as extensions of his own status and reputation and not much else. Public shortcomings make for an unbearable time at home and the world outside the estate is at once overly accommodating, full of assumptions, and even subtly hostile at times—all unrelated to their own actions or character.

And with the MC, I think the narrative will make it clear there are several ways that story can go. You start off with irresponsible parents that have lost their wealth due to their own mismanagement and material ambitions—how that affects any individual MC should differ based on choices and consequences!

So why bring any of that up when I was supposed to be talking about my cut OC? 😂😂

Leo was going to be the unwelcome recent addition to his uncle’s household, the son of a brother his aunt hates for (petty af) Reasons, and she took that resentment out on him directly by restricting his access to nearly every aspect of the family's wealth. Especially material goods and living conditions. He was basically treated like the help, tasked with playing nanny for his many younger cousins and burdened with doing the homework and providing academic cover for his dumb as rocks cousin in the same grade as you all. To sum it up, he was basically a victim of trafficking at the hands of his own family with his uncle out of town enough to feign ignorance to how bad his wife was treating his nephew and his aunt going out of her way to keep him busy, at home, and isolated. This is sadly a super common form of trafficking in Francophone African cultures (although I don't think most people view it as trafficking. and I’m sure the same is true of other cultures but I don’t want to speak outside of my purview). And like I mentioned above, it’s how my own mom's (and idek how many cousins') child/teenhood went.

It’s a perspective on modern wealth, privilege and greed that I really, really wanted to tell. I am confident in saying it hasn't been explored in interactive fiction yet (though correct me—and direct me 👀—if I'm wrong) and out of all the wealth/greed explorations I came up with, it's the one I have the closest personal ties to and the strongest feelings about. The characters and plans I had for it were detailed and I'm proud of them but at the end of the day... I just couldn't find a place for Leo in the story at large.

Leo was, in fact, the last main character I came up with, when I had already designed and fleshed out the larger story and started crafting the timeline of major events. I think the worst thing I could have done for a story and perspective that I care about this much is shove it into a plot that didn't have room for it at the very base level, regardless of how well the character or his story is written. Shoe-horned characters always stick out. I didn’t want to disservice Leo by having him be the character that did nothing or could be removed from the main plot without affecting it at all, y’know? That’s so much worse than just forgoing the indulgence, imo :((

ugh.... Leooooo 😭 I'm so sorry bb, I failed youuu 😥

[edupunkn00b]

Hey! I know you've sent me one of these (I'm sorry for not having answered it - I'll get to it when I finally have some free time (!)), but if you're interested:

💖 What do you like most about your own writing?

😈 Is there anything you enjoy doing that you think your readers hate?

💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?

You don't have to answer this of course if you don't want to, and I hope you have a good day (or night) <3

Thank you so very much for the Ask! I could answer questions about my stories all day long.

💖 What do you like most about your own writing?

I like that I'm doing it. Some thoughtless IRL comments many (many) years ago in middle school had convinced me I couldn't write. Not fiction, at least. Almost a year ago, I started again just because I couldn't get the ideas out of my head any other way. And I've (re)discovered how much I love it.

😈 Is there anything you enjoy doing that you think your readers hate?

I really, really like telling stories out of order. I don't think anyone who reads my works does, though.

💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?

Oh, yes! I love researching for my fics. Sometimes I am inspired to write something after I researched an interesting topic, and then I just give in to the need for information and don't come up for air until I've got a whole universe populated with information.

The deepest dive was probably for Matchr. In addition to all the stuff on security systems, lethal injection medications for humans and animals, auto injectors and how they are designed to fail on second use, and HR RFID tracking systems for two paragraphs in Logan's backstory fic (When The Bad Guys Win,) I studied matching algorithms and wrote a really terrible bit of code to do fuzzy matches so I would have a sense of what the output looked like in Python. I pulled in some personal experience and background knowledge I had on internet privacy, search engines, and predictive policing algorithms for Matchr, as well.

The next closest deep dive was probably Do Us Any Harm, the pirate!Sides fic. An early idea i had for a pirate!Sides story was actually partially a theatre AU, so i listened to the Pirates of Penzance and HMS Pinafore (OML those musical are so problematic it hurt), and read an annotated collection of the libretto for other Gilbert & Sullivan operas.

I also read The Old Man and the Sea (again), the Magic Treehouse pirates book (Remus' jab at Roman was factual), and Moby Dick. (I'd never actually read the entire thing before.) Plus I did a bunch of research on slave ships, 18th century naval weaponry and piracy history. (I pulled in some personal experiences for this fic, as well, from when I worked os a deckhand on a working schooner at the South Street Seaport museum.)

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Trophy Chapter Six

The story begins to unfold and you find yourself makeing a deal with the devil.

Masterlist

Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five

Warnings: Adult Situations +18, Smut, Oral (f), Noncon, Possesive/Obsessive Behavior, Coercive Behavior, Daddy Kink, Dark Fic, Swearing.

A/n: I am so sorry this has taken so long I got writers block, real life fucked me over and then got side tracked and have kept coming back to it I was unsure how to start the ball rolling but I hope this was worth the wait enjoy XXX

Taglist: @havenoffandoms​ @aphrodites-punch​ @charlieferret​ @thatgirly81​ @two-unbeatable-beaters​

Stephan growled walking into work slamming the door behind him he was fuming.

"FLETCHER! WHERE ARE YOU?!" He shouted walking past one the one of the others who was doing their shift ignoring the confused look she cast him, he didn't have time to explain going into the kitchen out back that had a set of stairs leading up into the small chic apartment Fletcher used for entertaining his 'lady friends'. Stomping up the stairs before banging on the door he knew that his 'boss' was here, he had already checked his other home. Finally a weary Fletcher opened the door.

"What? Oh Stephan its you what is it?" He grunted rubbing his eyes only to widen them as he was pushed back into the hall by the 'dane'.

"She isn't in the UK is she?" He growled holding the man by the collar of his shirt

"Wh-what? Who are you-"

"Y/n! I saw her earlier today!, she was being carried out of the police department barefoot by that friend of yours! Cavill? Or something ,She was crying her heart out, shaking she was fucking terrified! He put her in a four by four and left! What the fuck have you done?! I know your behind it! Where is she?" Stephan shook  in anger the Fletcher quivered he stuttering for an answer.

"Nothing ! I haven't done nothing! She told me she was leaving, had been offered her dream job in the UK then left I swear I don't know! She gave me the flight number and everything! Please I swear. I'll give it to you got the text still check yourself!" Stephan pushed his way into the apartment Fletcher followed quickly getting his phone showing the messages to the irate man.

"See she left, the woman who was taking the job got ill she was second pick that's why it was last minute,the flight numbers there" he said pointing out the long code of letters and numbers he took a step back releasing him. Taking out his phone snapping a shot of the screen nodding he would check, in some ways he regrets taking this job ,agent of the CIA posing as a fucking danish immigrant cafe worker, but Cavill was a big fish who had moved to a small pond and they wanted to know why, what could possibly make the king of the underground and black market suddenly up sticks an move?. Fletcher was the easy way to stay in the loop as Cavill’s men floated about this side of town more then anywhere else, a lot of people owed him in these parts it seemed. Observe and collect evidence. Those were his orders, they'd never managed to pin anything on the bastard he was already far to established, had his fingers in to many pies by the time they caught on. A slippery son of a bitch smart and cold a man of many faces could back you into a corner within a few sentences you'd be none the wiser until it was to late, but as they say never say never. Falling for you wasn't supposed to happen it just did, you was sweet caring and there was something about you that he couldn't put his finger on, your down side was how naive you could be. His chest clenched painfully you stood no chance against someone like Cavill. He shook his head, he had to focus on the task at hand, It was an undercover job, the in tell said that he had dominated the town using sordid secrets, blackmail and violence. A true dictator, just like before and just like before there was a sore in violent crime and substance abuse. Stephan shook as he felt waves of anger, it was lucky he didn't have his gun on him he'd fucking shoot this little prick right between his beady little eyes. He had already guessed what had happened. Cavill had taken you, for what he didn't know but considering you was retrieved by him personally he had assumed you wasn't put into the prostitution circuit. Thank god. His stomach churned at the thought ,he would check the flight records and cctv to be certain, but he new what he saw and come hell of high water he was going to get you out, some way he would free you. He couldn't just yet it was important that they bring him down, he can't risk the lives of hundreds of trafficked prostitutes and drug mules over one woman, no matter how he feels personally, he can't throw away year long operation, he'd be sacked or worse. Sighing he turned

You shivered as you came to melting into the mattress below you something was lightly tracing over your back random patterns back and forth. You hummed lightly and snuggled into the pillow more hearing a chuckle.

"Oh and Stephan don't bother coming back here your fucking fired!" he swore as Fletcher spoke. Shit. He growled punching the wall once he left the cafe heading back to his accommodation, no doubt Fletcher was contacting Henry this very second he'd have to disappear and fast. he could look through flight records and cctv when he gets settled again but right now he had to act as tho he was being targeted, because as of right now he probably was and he'd be damned if he was going to be another K.I.A statistic. He hoped he was wrong, that you had indeed boarded the plane and was half way across the world but he doubted it.

Henry stayed holding you long after the sheets had been changed, for the first time in months maybe years there was a calm quiet in his head, no schemes, no threats or work just a calm quiet enjoying your compliant company. He stroked your hair running his splayed fingers across your scalp. He felt a little guilty for what he put you through...It wasn't supposed to be like this, the kicking and screaming...but he couldn't help it! he didn't have the time anymore. He loved you but you'd forced him to take you. It was your fault he reasoned as he shifted you tucking you into his chest more you murmured in your sleep but relaxed slowly into him. Yes you forced his hand, you were the one who sought out that- that boy when he was busy working getting everything ready to seduce you slowly. It wasn't ideal but whats done is done, Fletcher fucked up and you had to pay for that. He sighed leaning further back into the chair he rested in. He could remember the first time he saw you, standing behind the counter you'd looked up surprised that someone was in so early you beamed him a smile that stopped him in his tracks, you hadn't known who he was he knew because you didn't freeze or cower, instead asked how you could help when he had asked for your boss, you pursed your lips wrinkling your nose a little telling him he wasn't here, but you offered him a coffee while he waited. He'd nodded saying make whatever expecting some shit low brand coffee either way, he stood watching as you disappeared behind the huge machine pouring you both a latte peeping over it making small talk. Watching eagle eyed as you danced around the kitchen beyond the cafe singing quietly mixing together some chocolate treat. Something had just clicked in him, he couldn't help it there was an aura about you as you pottered about the small space. He took slow sips you were beautiful and cheerful enjoying your life to the fullest. He had wanted you then and there you had somehow captured his whole attention, his mind wasn't wandering through dark vicious thoughts, hell he had forgotten the threats he had lined up for your boss who was fucking you over without even knowing. That was when he knew he had to bring you home you was sweet and vulnerable you needed to be protected and loved and he had the means to do that. He had got your name from your boss that day using it the make a file on you, within two days he new everything about you, address ,date of birth, medical history, schools, family history hell he even knew what your shoe size was 2.5 (us 4.5) you hated it finding it impossible to find heels. Then he remembered that night, walking into his own fucking restaurant halting seeing you giggling happily in a small booth near the window, his heart came to a painful screeching halt when he saw you kiss the other man-boy much younger then him, it was as if his whole world had come rushing back in one massive wave of anger and betrayal. He got a small taste of what was in store for him if he didn't have you, he now new what it was he had been missing. He shook the thoughts form his head, you were here with him and that was that finally getting up placing you carefully in the bed tucking you in before shedding his clothes and sliding in beside you ruffling your hair lightly then drifted off into sleep.

"Oh you like that? I will have to remember to save this as a reward" you flinched hearing him so close moving slightly you get ready to roll away from him only to be stopped by his hands pressing down lightly."No, stay there good girl" you frowned as his words were accompanied by a small squeeze to your tender bottom making you hiss and whine a little throwing your hand back to his trying to pry them off.

"Oh yes you are still sore aren't you? A very hot bottom. Good maybe this will help you behave for a while" you winced a little at him not wanting to be reminded of yesterdays events he moved closer to you kissing the back of your neck leaving it tender with a harsh bite."So today is a new start especially now that you've got that little escape attempt out of your system, things will be much easier now wont they?" you grit your teeth not knowing what would come out of your mouth if you tried replying. He moved rolling to his side you felt his eyes on you

"Look at me pet" you did without a thought he smiled almost sweetly at you leaning in placing a kiss on your cheek moving to cup your face slowly running a thumb across the apple of your cheek his lips parted eyes twinkling in the morning sun, you held your breath, he was magnificent yet terrifying you knew that he could easily make you fall for him.

"Soo good such a precious thing love, so beautiful and pure.....I expect you to be a good girl for daddy now you hear me? no more tantrums or pouting I don't want to have to punish you again ,rest assured that yesterday was just the tip of the iceberg I can come up with things much worse for you if you try to push me again. Please don't" You reluctantly closed your eyes before pulling away from his hand looking down to the sheets his words breaking the spell that had caught you ,you nodded he gave you a lopsided smile. He leaned in kissing your hair softly tilting your head and began sucking your bottom lip into his mouth running his teeth across the delicate inside biting it a little his hand dragged through your hair pulling you closer he slid beneath you on to his back tugging you across his chest still holding your head you gasped as a hand rested on your back drawing your nighty up you whined trying to tug it down but he had fisted the hand holding it refusing the let it go once you gave up fighting him he slowly began tracing light patterns as he went pulling the fabric over your hip,s you shiver relaxing as his fingers dragged lazily over your skin, he bit again on your lip harder when you wouldn't open your mouth to his probing tongue in a tiny protest the force of his bite make you gasp in pain using this to his advantage he opened his mouth wider kissing deeper, dipping his tongue into your mouth licking at yours trying to get you to respond. Closing your eyes you moaned softly unable to help your self as his tongue twisted and lapped inside your mouth you squeezed your thighs together as you felt yourself getting hotter, despite being scared of him you couldn't help your bodies reaction to him he was attractive, you was only human you reasoned with yourself before any shame could settling in your gut you melted into him, he was a god of a man you would say he had work done if you hadn't known him, strong defined and unreasonably perfect on the outside, had you been a religious women you'd say he was the devil himself beautiful and dangerous, temptation and sin personified and you was a mere mortal women falling into his claws, everything was about him physically seemed to have been created to draw you in even his scent was attractive engulfing you a combination of the lightly spiced aftershave he wore and something you couldn't name other then to say it was him the scent he left on his clothes and sheets. He deepened the kiss the hand on your back creeping down to your rump quickly pulling you up and over his strong thigh landing you to lie between his legs pressing his crotch to the seam of your thighs using the hand on your bruised ass to grind you slowly, grunting as he moved you up and down. You squeaked feeling a wet spot dragging across his weeping head coating the inside of his boxers seeping through wetting your thighs. He pulled his mouth from yours closing his eyes resting his forehead against yours panting harsh breaths across your skin.

"FUCK! your soo perfect and mine all mine shit that's good baby girl" you whined as your rocking made your heart race blood rushing south to your clit as he grunted groaning pulling you tighter to his pelvis he picked up the pace then stopped growling flipping you over to your back shuffling his boxers off kicking them off of the bed, you gulped as you saw his erection think veins wound around him like vines bulging and pulsing as he twitched. It was an intimidating sight to behold angry and swollen, proud jutting out pointing straight up to his stomach it'd take both hands to try and cover it even then your not sure your palms would even touch the purple head of it let alone cover it. he smirked as you looked at him, there was fear and lust in your eyes, he knew you wanted him deep down, but you was still fighting yourself over it, he fisted himself pumping his cock slowly watching you watch him squirming on the bed, oh yes you wanted him but not enough yet, he made a point to go slow thrusting into his tight fist letting you get an eyeful of his stomach muscles contracting grunting with each movement. You blushed wanting to look away yet unable to it was like watching a crash, you wanted to turn away knowing what was coming but still stared. He stopped releasing himself dragging you up the bed a little before lowering his weight on one hand by your head you panicked thinking that he was going to force himself on you and tried to pushed yourself up the bed away from him pleading.

"No no please! I don't want to! don't force me please please don't!" he stopped hushing you looking you in the eye, you cringed as he brought his wet hand to your face brushing his knuckles against your cheek.

"shh shh calm down little one its okay everything is going to be okay.... daddy wont force you I promise .....no i wont hurt you like that..... besides iv already told you, you wont get my cock until you come crawling on hands and knees begging for it. But there are many other ways I can get my fill until you do come to me gagging for it" he said placing his knees outside of your legs he smirked at your doe like expression confused  by what he meant until he laid over you lowering his hips against yours feeding his cock into the small v where your thighs met pressing the top of hit hot length slipping between your pussy lips rubbing your engorged clit, you gasped arching then placed your hands on him, one flat on his chest the other on the bicep by your face shaking as he began moving thrusting his hips forward and back dragging your clit with it

"OOOOHHHH FUCK YES!that it baby fuck so good such a good princess you are for daddy MMMM FUCK!" he panted in your ear using his legs to press your tighs tighter together trapping his cock, making you massage him, you cried out as his veins felt like ridges as he pumped himself against you smearing your arousal across him making it easier for him to move.

"OH BAby yes! your enjoying this aren't you? I can feel your cum soaking me love" you flushed unable to stop trembling as he caught the underside of your clit bumping it his the ridge of his head your moans grew more breathy as he tilted a little to keep hitting it brushing his cock against your opening with every pass , he was long enough that his head was sliding down  spreading your sore cheeks apart slightly making your pucker twitch with each downward thrust, he continued his pace trying to draw this out as long as possible, his drawn out moans and praises where breathed straight into your ear as he curled over you the lewd sounds making you clench. You dug your nails into his arm as your belly twisted breath coming out in heavy pants as your pussy tried to capture him at every thrust clenching desperately trying to direct him into your awaiting heat unsatisfied being left empty he laughed biting your ear lobe between his sharp fang like teeth releasing it with a pop.

"You know I can feel that!, feel your little cunt trying catch me, it-hahshit!-its quite cute really OH FUCK! yes!. You want me. Want me to feed you my aching cock and sooth your insides with my cum. To paint your insides again and again until you cant bear the thought of not having apart of me filling you on way or another. Don’t worry babe I wont let got go empty ever again!! All you have to do is BEG!! SHIT SHIT YES THAT'S IT STAY their-AH right there little one ahhh!" you whined as he spoke growling out the words as he rocked into you faster lewd wet slaps as his thick thighs rubbed and slapping into yours you moaned throwing your head back trying to fight the sensations he was forcing onto you.

"YES yesyesugh I know, oh pet I know but I'm not going toOH!, not until you admit to yourself. Not until you admit the truth. You want me. You LOVE me! UGH shit fuck fuck I'm cumming! I'm cumming! good girl shit Daddy's gonna cum right in your little pussylips fuck!" you shook below him as he fucked into your thighs feeling him stutter his hips releasing down into the crack of your ass coating the sheets beneath you. he laughed sweaty holding himself up on shaking arms then ran his cock across you smearing his cum between your lips making sure to leave you messy as he pulled back coating your clit

"OH sweety thank you were such a good girl for daddy" he rolled to the side of you running a finger spreading your lips as he pushed a pad to your cum soaked clit rubbing making you jerk up violently as he rolled the throbbing flesh side to side.

"oh you haven't cum have you? poor baby, well maybe if you'd tried to join in more you would have.... oh well to late now maybe next time hey little one?" he said making you groan as he kissed your lips licking the seem of them them he pulled back licking your lips. You cringed a little wiping away his spit from you he laughed resting on one elbow his other hand ruffled your hair.

"Oh sweetheart you don't like it when I lick you? Oh I bet you would if my head was here" you froze as his wandering fingers probed your core and tried tilting up to him wanting him to carry on, to do... something? anything? tears sprung to your eyes when he pulled back gathering your mixed arousal as he went before sucking them clean groaning as he did.

"sooo good , you taste so good baby I could eat you for hours

""Pl-please daddy" he grinned you was so aroused that you couldn’t deny that you craved him, wanted him to touch you ignoring the little voice that said it was wrong, Henry noticed your little battle continued with a low growl that you felt more then heard, trying to sway you.

"But another time perhaps, tell me would you like that? Would you enjoy your self while daddy feasts on your perfect pink pussy for hours on end? forcing you to cum over and over? I could you know I would be a very happy to oblige" His words were taunting you. You nodded then shook your head confused not sure what you wanted. He smiled before getting off the bed

"But you had your chance today, I cant spoil you now can I? not when I'm supposed to be teaching you your place" he seemed to like having you on edge like this, he plucked his boxers from the floor using them to quickly wipe you down dragging it quickly across you avoiding where you needed him most removing the worst of the sticky cum then through it across the room to the basket. He made his way to the chest of drawers pulling out a black round neck cotton dress decorated with small flowers.

"Come here lets get you dressed" you tilted your head at him as he said that pointing to the floor in front of him. Slowly you moved towards him curling your toes into the hard wood floor fidgeting. He motioned for you to hole

"Wh-what? why? I can dress myself" he sighed exasperated

"I told you that your training starts today little one, you are going to rely on daddy for everything now do as your told pet" his voice was stern again you sighed nodding again.

"Good girl, who knew all you needed was a firm hand? Im confident that we can work this out.... it is a shame tho, if you'd just behaved then I wouldn't have to give you these new rules." You cringed trying not to look at his wet cock swaying with his movements.

"Now arms up" you followed his instructions letting him replace your nighty with the short dress that just skimmed your knees. He watched you for a moment then moved dressing himself in a formfitting top and tight trousers using your nighty to quickly wipe his cock clean, something about the gesture made you feel dirty. Ushering you to the door with a light tug on your wrist you struggled.

"Wait what about? No stop a minute" he ignored continued to the hall

"If you want my attention then address me properly pet." You flushed panicking as he lead you to the door you held on to the frame jerking him to a halt

"Daddy please stop" he faced you still holding your wrist as you held on to the wooden frame.

"What is it princess?" You flushed moving from one foot to the other.

"You haven't given me any .....you know I'm still wet and.......its err I'm naked under this" you said trying to tug the skirt of the dress down completely out of your depth here. He smiled

"Of course you are, what you think I forgot to give you panties? No baby girl that is a new rule, from now on your in skirts and no panties aloud so its easier for me to get at that naughtly little bottom when I need to and easier for daddy to check if his little girl is lying about feeling all tingly , now come on daddy doesn't have all day we have a few visitors today and you best behave or you'll be right over my knee now come on"

"but I’m going to leave wet spots!!"you admonished he laughed

"Yes I suppose you will wont you? If your a good girl daddy will give you a treat later but for now we haven't got the time!" .

"But what if someone see's them?! or-or they see up my skirt?!"he shook his head at your high pitch then tugged making you slip from the door you yelped nervously scanning for the others in the house all the way to the kitchen. One hand holding the skirt tight to your bottom trying to keep it covered wincing as you felt a small trickle of your arousal smear against your upper thighs he scoffed sitting down at the table dragging you onto his lap back against his chest placing your legs either side of his knees spreading you a little, you shivered as the cool air met your wet heat making is impossible to forget the state he had left you in also making sure you felt yourself weeping onto his trousers you moaned in humiliation trying to close your legs but found it hopeless his thighs to strong his bulge was right under your ass and already twitching again.

"Well baby girl, if you act like the little lady I know you are no one will see up your skirt." He said motioning for a plate to be brought over stacked with four slices of toast. You whined trying to wriggle your legs free to close them he held you still groaning in your ear

"No baby stop, fuck daddy just told you we haven't got time for that now!" you pouted at him whining only to get a slap on your thigh you yelped clenching your bottom in response making him dig his fingers in your thigh.

"Enough! not at the table now sit still" he said picking up a small piece of toast holding it to your lips and began feeding you by hand. You flushed feeling exposed as mid way during breakfast the guard from yesterday came in, you knew he couldn't see beneath the table but you couldn't help feeling embarrassed.

"Boss we got a big problem" you watched from the corner eye finishing the mouthful Henry had fed you as you swirled your coffee in your mug then taking a sip trying to focus on anything but the position he held you in you felt Henry sigh exasperated.

"What is it? the Vonnie boys failed a delivery again?" He asked pulling you back to rest on his chest plucking the mug from you placing it on the table then casually lowered his hand to cup your center covering you should the other man peak beneath it, he wouldn't honestly let you be seen by anyone other than himself, the man shook his head.

"No haven't heard from them yet their not due in till this afternoon flight gets in at two its well" he hesitated a moment making Henry growl his hand tightened on your pussy making you mewl trying to push back against him.

"Ive got to many things to do today Luke, spit it out!" His stern voice made you jump tensing as it reverberated through your body, he hushed you kissing your neck.

"Well its to do with the girl, you should see this" he placed a tablet on the table sliding it across Henry huffed and let got of you pulling you to straddle one thigh you moaned quietly as your clit was pushed forward the fabric of his trousers providing friction to the tight bud then began to grind lightly onto it one hand on his knee the other holding the edge of the table, no control of yourself it was far to good to resist Henry quickly put a stop to it striking your sore ass cheek making you yelp holding your hand to it pouting as he held on arm around your waist holding you still, you clenched tight and relaxed then again

"Baby? just carry on and see what happens I said not at the table and I meant it young lady" you blushed looking down knowing that the guard Luke now knew what you was doing you huffed slumping back against him taking that as your little defeat he peered forward over the tablet it. It was an email a short one line it read

Stephan knows he saw you leave the police station

Henry tensed glaring at the note it was from Fletcher you jumped as he slapped the tablet down with the force you was surprised he didn't break it.

"When did you get this?”

"Last night boss"

"LAST NIGHT! and you didn't think to tell me then? the fuck is wrong with you?!”

"We didn't want to interrupt you sir"

"Well What have you done about it?"

"We wasn't sure what your plans were for him wanted to wait until you saw it" Henry slumped in his chair you whimpered as he got angrier

"NOT SUR- I DON’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS-" he took a breath calming himself, he felt you trembling sighing he rubbed your side a little the action calm the both of you, he continued in a low dangerous voice."isn't it fucking obvious what to do?. Find him .Kill him and keep it clean and quiet like I fucking pay you to do" he growled you gasped at the order then twisted round before he could stop you, kill who? You blood ran cold when you got a glimpse of the name on the screen.

"That's the thing boss its a false identity, he didn't exist until a year ago, already checked his accommodation he is gone. No trail nothing" Henry release a breath through his nose then snarled before standing up abruptly you yelped as he took you with him skirt bunched up over your ass as he did you was quick to pull it down at the sides and front as Henry had you pressed to the front of his hips feet dangling just off the floor, you tried not to swoon at just how easily he hoisted you off the ground with on hand. Now was defiantly not the time.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN HES FUCKING GONE?! GONE WHERE? YOU JOB IS TO MAKE SURE THIS SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN! I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID YOU DROP THE BALL THIS FUCKING MUCH?" You shook in his grasp whimpering covering your ears as he screamed at Luke. He stopped regarding you then took a deep breath pointing a shaky finger at Luke.

"Find him, pull in everything trace all cctv in the city if you have to but you find him and get Fletcher here, throw him in the trunk for all I care but bring him here today, and you better hope this kid isn't what I think he is or I will be needing a new head of security!" you shivered there was a crazed tone to his threat growl, the seemed to be all the dismissal Luke needed as he quickly scuttled out of the kitchen. Once you were alone Henry placed you on the seat making his way to the island slamming his hands down on it in temper the loud thump echoing in the room, you watched still quivering terrified of what was going to happen, he cast you a glance sighing making his way towards you watching as you flinched away from him.

"Baby doll? Its okay honey I'm sorry for scaring you.....daddy loves you, you know that right? and daddy isn't angry at you no no not at you my beautiful baby girl shh its okay" You nodded completely freaked out by his sudden switch he crouched down in front of you tucking the hair behind your ears wiping the few stray tears that had escaped gulping.

"A-are you really gonna kill him? Please don't do that please, its my fault I don't want to be the reason please" you cried fearing for Stephan hands clutching the chair seat trying to swallow down the sobs that tried to escape into sniffles, he sighed looking away then fixed you with a sympathetic gaze patting your knees smoothing them with his hands that could probably swallow them both in a single palm.

"Oh baby don't-don't cry on his account, I know you-you liked him but its for the best pet, we can't let him go, he knows where you are and there are some very bad people who would take you away from me if he tells them. Cant you see I'm doing this for you, for us so we can be together, I love you and I cant allow anyone to take you away ,no one not one single person will ever tear us apart. Because we belong together don't we? we love each other and nothing can put a stop to that" He explained you sobbed into your hands feeling sick as he continued to believe his own twisted fantasy of you being a true loving,consenting couple. Stephan would die because of you, Because this dangerous unstable man had an obsession with you. You moved on hand to his cheek shaking your head.

"N-no please I'll do anything please please don't...f-for my sake please, I-I will tell them that I chose to come here! Chose you over him Th-that we're together and he was just jealous of my decision or something but please please please don't do this I couldn’t live with myself" you pleaded to him running your thumb across his cheek before continuing

"I don't think I could ever fall in love with you if you do this" he froze at that if he done this? IF? so there was a chance? you held some feelings for him, you thought that you could love him. Perfect. He pushed his face into your hand slowly kissing your palm, it was the first time you'd touched him without fear, the first time you'd initiated an almost loving gesture, he grasped your hand placing your knuckles to his mouth again. Letting a small smile creep across his face watching you cry, on hand tugging at his shirt begging him so sweetly between small hiccups. His voice dropped lower then you'd ever heard it before

"You would do that baby? You'd tell everyone were together? Stop fighting me? Try to love me and forget about him to save him?" You nodded grabbing blindly at him still whimpering.

"Okay I tell you what pet, you stay with me here, love me and only me and never leave then I will promise you I won't kill him, but if you ever try to run from me his death will last days, I will kill him slowly and painfully you hear me love, you have to swear to me that you will stay think of this as a contract" It wasn’t a question, or request it was an ultimatum, and probably the only offer he would make. You gasped not really expecting him to reason with you, would you sacrifice the rest of your life to save the man you think you could have loved? He held your gaze firm, the blue in his eyes clear and steady it was unnerving as he watched you waiting for your answer. A no would mean a death sentence for Stephan and the truth of what has really happened dying with him. A yes would save his life but trap you under his thumb spending the rest of your days with this beautiful monster, either way you know your never escaping Henry, never. Yesterday was proof enough. So you may as well save someones life along the way right? You took a deep breath finally nodded.

"Yes. If you promise not to kill him" Henry smiled nodding

"You have my word little one, I will not kill this boy so long as you stay with me" he sealed the deal with a slow tender kiss to your knuckles then scooping you up spinning, cradling you to his chest, he was elated, ecstatic this day couldn't turn out better placing you to sit on the table.

"I’m so proud of you baby girl, your soo gooood, that why I love you, I love you so much your everything I'm not. You truly are my better half" You cried into him silent tears streaming down.

"Oh sweet heart don't be sad, no no this is good....Hush now you'll be fine I know this is a big commitment but deep down you love me just as much, your just afraid of admitting it. That’s okay I can wait, we have our whole lives together....Your a good girl you've made daddy so happy baby girl." his words did nothing to stop the tears the finality of them was frightening. Your whole lives the rest of your days being his doll, a toy. the thought made your stomach clench he pulled you down to stand before him wiping at the tears

"Hey now there's no need for tears, its daunting but exciting......I know how about you let daddy give you that treat he promised huh? make my little baby girl feel better hmm? its only fair you've been so good" You shook your head whimpering at him wanting to

"N-no I don't want to now" he tutted at you spinning placing you on the counter stepping between your legs.  His hands cupped your cheeks softly.

"Nonsense come on love just a quick little reward and then we can go get you some books and you can spend the rest of the day in the office with daddy" you whined squirming

"no no no please" he sighed at you as he called out over his shoulder making another male enter the kitchen you flushed trying to move your skirt over your thighs not getting far as he was pressing tight against your center

"Tell Luke I've changed my mind, find Stephan but don't kill him just keep tabs on him....still get Fletcher here tho, he may help find him" the man nodded leaving you alone once again"There does that help? he wont be hurt, I just want to know where he is.....better?" you nodded a little you did feel a slightly better until he pulled you closer to the edge of the counter parting your thighs wider quickly  you squeaked then he pushed you back flat with one strong hand on your ribs pinning you down. you mewled embarrassed as he flipped your skirt up holding it under the palm pinning you down flat the marble was cold making you shiver as he placed an open mouthed kiss on your lower tummy trailing his tongue down to your mound leaving a wet line in your skin that cooled instantly as the air hit it not stopping you bent your knees feet firmly on the counter gasping as he moved down not wasting any time one latching onto your clit sucking it into his mouth flicking the tip of his tongue across it igniting your pussy anew you pushed on your feet trying to fight his hold on you as his shoulders pressed on your tense thighs you panted shaking your head it was incredible as his teeth pinched the flesh rolling it side to side then pulled back taking the small nub with him then moved forward pressing the flat of his tongue sticking it out rubbing up and down angling the tip to the sensitive skin just behind your clit. you moaned throwing your head back throwing your arms around your right hand found purchase on the edge of the marble counter top your left grabbing his wrist at your ribs.

"OH FUCK! AHH!" you cried out as he sped his tongue then moved lower attaching his mouth over your opening sucking obscenely darting his tongue inside of you making you jolt using your feet to grind down on him as his torturous mouth feasted on you with out pulling back he grabbed your left foot throwing it over his shoulder to hand loosely down his strong back and smacked your left calf from below prompting you to throw it over his left shoulder. you squealed trapping his head between your thighs as he continued to eat you out  he pulled back a little  you panted breathlessly looking down at him, his face was wet from your arousal he wiped his face with the back of his hand before licking it clean you moaned as the display.

"Fuck you taste fantastic, I could fucking live off this alone!" he said before diving back down tugging you to hang off of the counter pressing your thighs back with his shoulders stretching your pussy taught as he went back to work, the new position pulling your lips back revealing more of your clit to his wandering tongue, you cried out a gruntal moan as he suckled on it flicking his tongue on the underneath slowly the circling its base quickly

"Fuck fuck shit please I-PLEASE I’m gonna cum I cant-" suddenly he thrusted two thick fingers inside you pressing them around feeling his way along your muscles making him self at home inside of you scissoring and circling pressing on your contracting walls whilst sucking on you. You moaned and keened unable to contain yourself digging your heels in his back feeling the strength in his back as he arched over you moaning into you making you jump at the vibrations. you clenched around his fingers yelping as he brushed something deep

"AH! oh god wha? UGH!" you moaned loud spasming around his fingers as they found what he was looking for and rubbed furiously following your hips as you tried to escape screaming as you tense curling your upper body rocking into his hand and mouth desperate to finish as he gave one final painful suck on your clit then bit down hard sending you to your peak. He smiled as you came over his fingers slowing them but not stopping letting you ride him through your orgasm. You saw stars as you climaxed the pleasure making your whole body shiver and jerk every muscle seemed to come alive at once, your nerves on fire before you came down as he pulled his hand and mouth away from you. panting and trembling you looked down at him dazed, eyes glazed over from your after glow completely exhausted you felt alive and drained all at once he winked up at you smirking licking his lips then pulled back standing at full height catching your legs and they slipped from his shoulders before they could hit the counter painfully as dead weight, slowly lowering them to rest over the edge then lifted his drenched fingers to his mouth sucking them clean eagerly. You groaned still trying to control your ragged breaths, that was ridiculous you summarized moving your hands to your hair grimacing when you felt how sweaty your forehead was.

"You have a very unique taste baby doll, i love it  so much i might have to have it for breakfast each day what do you think?" you groaned barely able to move

"I think it'd kill me" you panted out he laughed loud running his hands across your thighs then pulled your skirt back down

"well that is what orgasm means, little death" you grunted as he pulled you towards him sliding you to your feet supporting your whole weight as you slumped on him a little still feeling like jelly, then the door opened again Luke walking through.

"Sir Fletcher’s on his way and I don't think he knows where to find the other one your looking for, he sacked them for confronting him" Henry sighed looking up closing his eyes, you shivered waiting for the blow up but it never came he just nodded then picked you up

"Fucking idiot! fine I'll deal with him how long?" he said walking from the kitchen making them follow after him you leaned on his chest.

"Said he'd be twenty minutes or so, he's shitting bricks tried to wiggle out of it but told him we'd hand him over if he didn't that got him complying real quick" Henry nodded

"Go meet him half way I don't trust that little weasel not to make a run for it" you looked over Henry's shoulder as Luke took a left to the main doors.

"Is Fletcher in trouble?" he gave you a look making you shrink

"Don't you worry about him, you just keep your nose clean, you don't need to know now lets go get some books for you to read today" you sighed nodding a little as he continued down the hall.

[wisteria-lodge]

snake primary (bird model) + lion secondary (bird model)

I’m feeling really lost when it comes to my secondary. I’m fairly sure I’m a Snake Primary with a strong Bird model. But My secondary is tripping me up and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve been severely depressed for about 6 years, dealing with PTSD for 12, and dealing with anxiety since middle school. I’m also getting evaluated for ADHD. I’m getting help so don’t worry. So, here we go.

You seem pretty okay. I’ll keep an eye out for possible burning though.

Bird: I do think I have a Bird model. I plan things, I research the heck out of things when I need to make a decision, I’m always asking for advice (like now…), etc. But a lot of that seems driven by anxiety and fear of messing up. I literally never asked for advice until middle school, which was when the anxiety started. 

We have us a Bird secondary model that you built as a coping mechanism.

I do love to learn languages and I like to watch videos on YouTube about historical fashion and stuff like that. I used to read constantly but I’m so burned out that lately I haven’t read much. If I have a new interest, I can never do things by halves. I also have a huge cookbook collection and a huge collection of quotes on Evernote. I love puzzles and figuring things out. But yeah sometimes I’ll just be like “let’s check every book about tea/socialism/the regency era out of the library.” Then I text my Double Badger friend who is super into tea about it and she responds, “Just enjoy drinking your tea, what are you doing??” Okay now I’ve confused myself and I’m wondering if I really am a Bird. Or maybe that’s all ADHD hyperfocusing. Probably? Ugh. Who am I??

So your Bird model is also something you use to play, that’s good. And you love being social too. People focused Bird? 

I don’t think I do the Bird Actor thing, though occasionally I’ll pretend to be a character for fun when I’m walking on the sidewalk or something. And I’m not a strategist? When I play chess or RPGs or write I just kind of try to go for it and figure it out along the way. 

You’ve got a bit of an improv-for-fun thing going on. Snake? Lion?

But that doesn’t always end up working so I do now plan out my longer pieces of writing to avoid plotholes and getting off track.

Coping mechanism Bird secondary model. 

I’m very conscious of how I frame things. Like if I sense incoming drama, I make sure to speak up first and frame things in my favor so that people will be on my side. It’s not automatic, though. Like as soon as I realize there’s going to be some sort of confrontation, I’m thinking to myself very quickly, “Okay. To get people on my side I need to talk to them before the other person does and frame things X way and make these facial expressions.” Usually this does not involve lying, just telling the truth in a way that favors me. 

This honestly sounds pretty Actor Bird. This sort of thing is a lot more… automatic, if you’re doing it though a Snake or a Badger secondary.

I was a terrible liar until high school when I made the effort to learn how to lie effectively

Here’s that Bird secondary again, picking up the slack. 

I do feel like I tend to reflect people a little, though? Like if people are talking about politics and make it clear they’re super conservative, I will just talk about the few things that I agree with. 

That could point to Courtier Badger…

I don’t like arguing with people anymore because I’m scared they won’t like me or will be offended. This goes double after the last two elections when multiple people dropped me for disagreeing with them and other people said I made them uncomfortable for…having what I see as generic normal opinions. I’m also just not good at thinking up arguments on the fly at all because everything gets all jumbled in my head and I forget details so arguing makes me feel stupid. I tried to do debate one year in school… Oh man what a disaster. If I’m arguing in writing though and I can look stuff up? They better watch out.

Wait, whoa. You like arguing for fun? And the only reason you don’t is because things got more intense after the last election + arguing in real time is annoying since sometimes your memory doesn’t cooperate? Oh that’s Lion. Lion secondary or Lion secondary model.

At the core of it though, I don’t really lie unless it has a purpose (getting something I can’t get otherwise, trolling friends for a laugh, avoiding punishment) and isn’t a big deal.

“trolling friends for a laugh” sounds pretty darn Lion secondary. As does the implied getting-into-trouble that “avoiding punishment” would require.

Will I answer on a form that I’m x religion that I was raised as to get into a Facebook group I really want to be in? Yes. If someone straight up asked me what religion I am currently practicing? I would NEVER lie about that. The thought makes me feel physically ill. I also lost those family members because the thought of pretending I liked the loser of our recent election was disgusting. And if I truly hate someone because they deeply hurt me or a loved one, nothing can make me pretend to like them. The most I can do is be coldly polite in that situation and usually I can’t even manage that.

That’s Lion. I could see that go back to either a Lion primary or secondary, but if you’re happy with your Snake primary, I’m going to put down another point for Lion.

But like…would I lie about my address to get a library card for the much better county library system next to my tiny independent city? (My state is weirdly structured). No guilt at the thought of that and I’ve seriously considered it but they require proof of address.

You’re a little bit of a rule-breaker, aren’t you? And that’s a side of yourself you really like. That’s Lion. 

Basically if it will help me get something I need, I’ll feel better about lying, but otherwise I feel uncomfortable and usually I try to be at least “technically” truthful. Which sounds sort of Lion? Oh wow I thought I was going to be asking about Snake vs Badger but instead it’s Bird vs Lion. 

…ADHD Lion with fun and helpful Bird model? IDK. 

I think so :) 

[asian-drama-whump-blog]

Cherry magic - Adachi’s confession

Also on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28087077

As soon as he pulled his hand away he regretted not hearing how Kurosawa felt about having his mind read. It seemed so obvious now. Of course he would be mad. Adachi has been invading his privacy for months now, listening to every love-filled confession. It felt dirty.

Kurosawa stopped and looked at him with an unasked question poised on his lips. Adachi was acting strangely.

Get it together he thought, "Oh, where's my phone?" It was the first excuse that came to mind. It wasn't very convincing but he had to do something about the tension forming between them. If he looked at Kurosawa now, if he saw his blinding smile and loving eyes, he would hate himself.

"Is everything okay?" Kurosawa asked. He knew something had happened just then but he had no idea what.

"Yeah, fine," he said awkwardly and continued walking. Fears and doubts swirled through his mind with each step.  Kurosawa noticed the sudden shyness but out of respect didn't mention it. Adachi did cute, awkward things every day and got jumpy at the strangest of times. He kept an even pace beside the other man, staying quiet and calm, he didn't want to make him uncomfortable. Whatever it was, they’d talk about it when he was ready.

Adachi cringed internally. Now Kurosawa was being even more considerate by not asking a thousand questions about what just happened. He couldn’t help but feel like he didn’t deserve such kindness after doing what he did. Adachi would hate it if someone read his mind without him knowing. Tsuge did it when they talked a few times but Adachi knew about it, he wasn’t being secretive and at least that was a two-way conversation. He thought back to when he purposely touched Kurosawa at the amusement park just yesterday. To say he did it on accident would be a lie...

When Adachi’s face started to pale Kurosawa simply couldn't ignore it any longer. "If you're not feeling well I can take you home now," he said politely.

Adachi halted in his tracks and stared down at his feet. His hands played with the hems of his jacket sleeves anxiously.

"Adachi? I'm starting to get worried." He extended a hand to touch his back comfortingly but yanked it away when Adachi flinched, taking a hasty step back. He... didn't want him to touch him... okay then. Kurosawa put his hands back down at his sides signally he wouldn't do it again since Adachi clearly didn't like it. "...Adachi?"

His breathing quickened as his thoughts derailed, he let his anxiety get the better of him.  What the hell was he supposed to do? Kurosawa was going to hate him now for reading his mind. He just ruined everything. And Kurosawa had every right to be mad. He might claim that nothing could separate them now but maybe that didn't apply to things he thought to be impossible. A tear slipped down his cheek as he lost his composure.

Kurosawa looked about ready to cry too. He was so confused as to what had gone horribly wrong on their walk home that Adachi was now crying. "Please don't cry." He said softly.

Adachi's breath hitched with a sob and he blurted out, "I'm sorry!" as he bowed down as far as he could without getting on his knees. He stayed down for a few seconds, wanting to show how deep his regret was. He also couldn't bear to look him in the eye.

"What... what for?" He asked cluelessly.

"I'm sorry," Adachi sniffled, slowly straightening back up. "I did read your mind! I'm sorry. I didn't do it on purpose..." he rambled, breathing faster and faster.

Kurosawa blinked, "what are you talking about? I don't understand."

"I've been reading your mind the whole time. Not always, only when touching, but I did it! I, I invaded your privacy. I know it's unforgivable."

If what Adachi was saying was true, it did make him mad. But that anger fizzled away like a fire put out with Adachi's tears. He simply couldn't bring himself to be upset with him, not when Adachi was in so much pain.

"You probably don't want to be around me anymore. I get it..." he started to turn around slowly. He was unsteady on his feet but managed to walk away. Kurosawa froze, he knew if he left now, things would never be the same.

"Wait! Stop. I... I'm not sure how to feel. This isn't a joke? You're serious? What number am I thinking of right now?" He got in front of Adachi and cupped his face with his left hand. I'm so sorry. What did I do wrong to make him cry like this? 847... His eyes look so sad.

"847," Adachi said out loud.

Kurosawa resisted the urge to yank his hand away now knowing it was true. He really could hear everything he was thinking right now. Adachi took a small step back so they were no longer touching. He couldn't listen to any more of that.

Kurosawa reached out again to grab his hand. I love you.

He already knew he loved him. He knew ever since that day in the elevator. But hearing it like this… it was different. It sent a slight shock through his system. Adachi's lungs screamed for air and he started panting quickly. The last time he had an episode this bad was when he was forced to give a speech in high school.

"Wait, Adachi. Calm down. It's okay," Kurosawa said.

The fear that their relationship might end still gripped his heart tightly. He couldn't imagine going back to the way things were before, before Kurosawa. "I'm sorry," he said again. Kurosawa took a risk and wrapped his arms around him in a hug. With his head pressed against Kurosawa's chest, he could smell his cologne and feel a comforting warmth from him. Adachi knew he wasn't handling this well but it was his first time ever feeling something as intense as this. It was starting to make him dizzy.

Kurosawa noticed him slouching in his grip, "Adachi, are you okay? Maybe we should sit down."

"Okay," Adachi said, letting himself fall over at Kurosawa's feet, who sat down next to him on the cold cement sidewalk.

"Let's go home, I'll get us a cab. Oh, um, my apartment is much closer. Is that okay?"

Adachi didn't respond and Kurosawa was hesitant to take it as a yes but it made the most sense to go to his place. He got a taxi waiting for them at the curb before helping Adachi to his feet and to the car. He seemed pretty out of it and tired at that point. I'll do whatever Adachi wants tonight. He can sleep in the bedroom and I'll sleep on the futon. Unless he'd feel more comfortable on the futon... I'll ask him when we get there.

"You had me really worried back there," Kurosawa said. I'm still worried. "Are you feeling better now?"

Adachi leaned up against him slightly, still feeling weak. "Sorry, I got a bit worked up."

"Don't be sorry. We can sort this out. I'm a little uncomfortable with it if I'm being honest but I'd never hold that against you."

"Everything I heard has only made me happy. Without this power, I never would have known you liked me. Maybe we wouldn't even be together now. I mean, it already took me this long to open up…” He paused, not sure what to say, “I'm grateful for everything so far."

"Me too,” said Kurosawa.

---

When they got back to the apartment Adachi sat down on the couch while Kurosawa got everything ready, much like the first time he stayed at his place. "Want to take a bath before bed?"

"I think I'm ready to fall asleep," Adachi replied tiredly.

"So pajamas then," he returned a moment later with a matching set for him. "Where do you want to sleep?" Adachi's eyes drifted to his bed. It sure did sound nice. Kurosawa followed his gaze, "Are you sure? I can sleep out here if you want to be alone."

Adachi shook his head, "I promise I can't read minds while asleep."

Kurosawa laughed, glad that the mood was finally starting to lighten. "Good, I'll be in in a minute."

Adachi walked into the bedroom and took that time to change into his pajamas. When Kurosawa came back he had apparently already changed as well. He was so considerate of him. How did he always read the situation so well when he didn't even have any special powers? Maybe Kurosawa's magic power was just... being Kurosawa. They both climbed into the bed, staying on their respective sides. Kurosawa dimmed the lamp until it cast only a faint glow like a nightlight, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Adachi mumbled. He was so tired he didn't even get the chance to be shy about the situation. He just laid down next to him and fell asleep almost instantly.

[sunflowerhae]

Lifeboat

N.J (2k)

A/N• this is purely indulgent. It also has quite heavy themes, but at this point are any of us surprised. I want to make something clear, the reader doesn’t do what she does bc of what happens with her and Jaemin (I’m trying not to spoil). I mean, that’s just a tip of the iceberg type situation. That being said, if you are having similar thoughts as our dear reader, please call your countries suicide hotline, and/or talk to someone you trust in your life. ALSO, I am not trying to romanticize any of the topics I wrote about, I’m trying to show that even the people that seem to have it all can be just as lost and broken as the rest of us, also that the most important thing you could be to a person is someone who asks them if they’re okay. Sometimes, that’s all a person needs - Someone to listen.

READ!⚠️angst, suicide,character death, drugs, heavy self-hating words, depiction of depression/mental illness, not specified, but insinuates⚠️

{🎵SOTS☁️; Lifeboat, Elle McLemore}

The world seemed to close in on you as you stared at the boy who stood before you with a hardened gaze in his eyes. While you only stood a good 3 feet away from him, you could feel the anger and helplessness radiating off of him, transferring itself onto you in sadness and heartbreak.

“Why?” Was the only thing you could manage to get past your lips.

“Y/n, it’s not that I don’t like you, of course I do. We’ve been dating for 2 years, but I’ve just been... uncomfortable almost the whole time. It’s not your fault, it’s just, your life. I can’t handle being with one of the most popular girls in school. You seem to have it all figured out, and everyone loves you, and I feel pushed to the side sometimes.” You didn’t understand why Jaemin was mad, but the small space under the bleachers where you both stood was enough to suffocate you to the point where you didn’t care to ask.

He didn’t understand.

They never understood.

No one.

You wanted to fight to save your relationship, but the words choked into the back of your throat, just like they did when Soojin would bully people in front of you, and you wanted to scream at her and pull the other person into your arms and whisper that it will all be okay and apologize apologize apologize, but you stayed rigid on her flank, silently trying to survive until you could get to Jaemins arms, or to the bottom of a beer bottle at yet another house party you were constantly forced to attend with your other two friends.

You choose to swallow your spit, and ask him, “is this because of soojin? Did she say something to you?” You knew your “dear” friend had a certain distaste for your long term boyfriend, because - as she had worded it - his kind doesn’t belong next to someone that Soojin had deemed acceptable enough to befriend (you); “His kind” being not necessarily the most popular. Him and his other friends were amazing people, and you wished you would have befriended them on the first day of freshman year, instead of the blonde girl in your Art 1 class that always had a red scrunchie. When Jaemin introduced you to them, you could tell they were hesitate to let you into their life - what with your position within your schools hierarchy system. You honestly didn’t blame them. However, after a while they warmed up to you, and you felt like you finally fit in with people. You thought these people would become your life long friends; long after you’ve left high school and forgotten all about the life you unwillingly lead.

You suppose that is no longer the case.

“No, yes, god I don’t know, y/n. It’s just, everything! You have friends that are bitches, and I never know when you’re just going to leave me and spread some terrible rumor about me!” He was silently yelling now. It was after school, and the football team was on the field - the other side of where you stood - practicing. There were people running on the track, cheerleaders practicing next to the field, leftover students wondering the grounds. Everyone was living, moving on with their lives and turning along with the Earth - why did you feel frozen? Why did you feel like nothing was ever going to keep moving and be okay and the world was never going to be beautiful again?

“Is that what you expect me to do, Jaemin? After two years of knowing me, is that what you think of me?”

“God, y/n, maybe! I see who you align yourself with so I wouldn’t be surprised if you were a bitch just like them!” You understood he was just hurting, like you, but that didn’t make the words hurt any less. You took a couple steps back from his figure with slow nods, before turning around fully and booking your way to your car.

Jaemin watched your retreating figure with tears curling into his eyes. He left not long after you did, still thinking about you on the way home. He didn’t know this at the time, but that was the last time he ever saw you. His first love, his first heartache.

You felt guilty.

You always did. You always had this insistent chewing at your intestines; this constant voice in your head telling you that everyone was better than you, and that you didn’t deserve the praise you got for being a good person.

You tried to fight the words and the icky feelings off with trips to the volunteer center - usually with Jaemin. You went that night, hoping that this constant pain in your heart after hearing jaemins smooth, venom-filled words would choke back and leave your system, like the terrible feelings usually did when you helped people. However, no matter how many people smiled at you, and no matter how many lives you got to help, the feeling only grew more and more.

You are worthless, y/n.

You only do charity work for your own need.

No one likes you.

You’ll never be loved.

Not even Jaemin loves you.

These ill thoughts were a normal occurrence for you. Usually, Jaemin would lay you down, rub your stomach, and whisper in your ear how beautiful you were to him, inside and out.

You were a nuisance and a waste to him, y/n.

The feelings never left, and you could tell people knew something was wrong with you, so you chose to leave the center early. On your way out, a familiar face had asked you where Jaemin was. You pretended you didn’t hear them.

Your room was dark. Usually, if you couldn’t have Jaemin, you would go to your parents. However, they were away at a dinner event for your mother’s work. You would never go to Soojin, and while you loved Haeyong, she had a tendency to tell Soojin about what you two privately talked about; always trying to get brownie points with the blonde girl who seemed to secretly hate her. You figured there was someone you could go to, and it didn’t hurt to try.

Y/n [10:57pm] u up???? I kinda need someone to talk to rn hAha. Read

Y/n [10:59pm] hello? 👉👈 Read

Y/n [11:02pm] Haechan why r you leaving me on read bro?? Ik he’s your best friend, but we don’t have to talk about him, I just need someone to talk to pLS pls. Read

[MISSED CALL FROM Y/N] 11:02PM

Haechan [11:03pm] listen y/n we shouldn’t talk anymore, I’m sorry. You were a good friend, but Jaemin was and always will be first to me. And he’s right, we never know when you’re going to do a 180 on us and tell all of our secrets to everyone. We can’t - and never have been able to - trust you. I’m sorry, really. You’re a popular girl. You don’t need us, you’ll forget. When we became friends with you, we didn’t really want to, Jaemin kinda forced us to, I hope u understand. :/ we’ll forget about u, u forget about us. Deal? Read

Y/n [11:04pm] um ok. Sorry for bothering you all, have a good night Read

Y/n [11:03pm] when will u be home?Read

[MISSED CALL FROM Y/N] 11:04PM

Mom [11:06pm] not for a while, ask Jaemin to come over if you’re scared of being alone. Read

Y/n [11:06pm] mom i hate to be annoying but can u and dad come home rn??? I need u Read

[MISSED CALL FROM Y/N] 11:06PM

Mom [11:08pm] are you dying? Has someone broken in? Are you unsafe?Read

Y/n [11:08pm] um,,,,no Read

Mom [11:10pm] well then no y/n. You know how much this award means to me, I’ve been constantly working lately and finally might get recognized for it. If I leave now, I might not get it. Can whatever you need wait? Read

Y/n [11:11pm] Um yeah. I love u Read

Mom [11:12pm] u too💖 Read

Why were you never first?

Why was there no one who asked you if you were okay?

If there was, what would you say?

See y/n? No one likes you.

You’re a bother to them.

Maybe you should fix that.

Maybe if you made their lives easier, they would love you.

You didn’t deserve their love, but maybe?

Maybe the pills could love you.

They were always there for you.

Maybe, they could help others love you too.

Love love love love.

Maybe.

Maybe.

They say your parents found you in bed.

They thought you were sleeping. I mean, all your lights were off, it was late.

But in the morning, when your mother came to wake you up and saw that your eyes were wide open, well....

They found the note on your desk across the room.

It was dated a year before.

You had written it a year before.

Everyone admitted that it was such a beautiful note. Heartbreaking? Yes. gut-wrenching? Of course. But beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

They gathered everyone into the gym the next day in intervals. Freshman, who didn’t understand what was really happening, but had heard your name and definitely knew who you were, and could put two and two together.

Next, the sophomores. Like the freshman, they only had heard of you. Some had met you, some cried. You were kind, they knew.

After them, the juniors. Chenle and Jisung were sitting in the corner. Jisung was sobbing into Chenle’s lap, while silent tears fell down the olders’ face. You had always been willing to play video games with them, and were such a kind hearted person. They remember last night, when they were all sitting together and haechan had read your texts you sent out loud, and all of them were so busy feeling for Jaemin, that they blindly informed Haechan on what he should say. On how to break your heart. Chenle wished Haechan had called her.

Finally, the seniors. Soojin and Haeyong sat in the back, as always. They were both upset because you had not been answering their texts.

Renjun, Haechan, Jeno, and Jaemin were sitting on the other side. They had not been told what the assembly was about, but when the teacher got the call about it, halfway through math, she sat at her desk for a couple of seconds with her head in her hands. They knew whatever the assembly was about was not good.

Haechan was the first to react out of the four.

He whispered your name silently with wide eyes rounded on his face. His mind went to the first time you met him. You played him in a round of Overwatch to get him to warm up to you, and easily beat him. Besides Jaemin, he was probably the one you were closest to.

Jeno just kept looking at his lap with evident tears denting dark spots onto his jeans. Renjun, who was sitting next to Jaemin, couldn’t take his eyes off the boy to his right, terrified that he would faint.

Jaemin felt sick. He knew he looked pale, and his head felt a bit dizzy. He tasted metallic in his mouth, and finally registered that he was biting the inside of his cheek so hard, he was drawing blood. He wanted to leave, but he was too far up on the risers to get down.

Soojin cried. It was uncharacteristic of her, but at this point she didn’t care. How had she not seen it? Was she that self centered that she had really not seen it on you? Her best friend?

Haeyong wished you had called her, wished you had told her. But why would you? She knew she didn’t deserve to hear your heartache, but she still wished.

They read out your note. Your beautiful, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching note. They read it. And the student body listened.

I float in a boat

In a raging black ocean

Low in the water

And no where to go

The tiniest lifeboat

With people I know

Cold,

Clammy and crowded

The people smell desperate

We’ll sink any minute

So someone must go

The tiniest lifeboat

With people I know

Everyone’s pushing

Everyone’s fighting

Storms are approaching, there’s no where to hide

If I say the wrong thing

Or I wear the wrong outfit

They’ll throw me right over the side

I’m hugging my knees

And the captain is pointing

Well who made her captain?

Still, the weakest must go

The tiniest lifeboat

Full of people I know

The tiniest lifeboat

Full of people I know

Lemme know if you’d like a part two? Idk. Like I said this is purely indulgent so it’s not that good sorry :///