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annabethsgodcomplex · 3 years ago

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Bianca Lives AU Part 1: The June Incident

This is gonna be a multi-chapter fic. It’s based off of a Bianca Lives Headcanon ppost by @happyk44

It’s slightly shorter than I was planning, but if I wrote anymore it wouldn’t be as good really.

A03 Link:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/34505929

Full Fic:

Hermes, God of thieves and inventor of the internet knelt at his Uncle Hades’ throne. ‘Dearest Uncle, the devil child- ‘Hades raised an eyebrow ‘I mean your lovely daughter who I absolutely do not associate with the devil, has caused a riot in the paradise of Elysium.’ ‘No, you did, Klepto-God’ a short, black-haired girl with olive skin and a spatter of freckles across her nose replied, grinning like a maniac. ‘I did not! And I told you not to call me Klepto-God. I find it demeaning. I am the glorious god of thieves and travellers.’ ‘Same thing’ she said, trying not to laugh at Hermes’ outraged expression. ‘No, it isn’t! ‘Silence! I can feel my hair grey from both of your bickering!’ Hades boomed, looking mildly annoyed. ‘Now Hermes do explain what happened. I don’t have time for your nonsense, I have a kingdom to run you know.’ ‘Sorry Uncle’, Hermes replied sheepishly. ‘I was escorting the souls of the newly deceased while Thanatos was on family leave to visit his mother in Tartarus. He had recommended your daughter help me out, so I didn’t have to do overtime. So, against my better judgement I let her help me. Then she got bored and stole my wallet. Which by the way, is the second time this month! George and Martha informed me that my wallet was missing, and they wanted it back because my pocket was ‘too uncomfortable for them’ and the wallet provided adequate enough cushioning for them. So, I had to quickly drop the souls off in the underworld to be judged. Instead of telling me she had my wallet, she decided it would be a great idea to pretend she had no clue what happened and let me go off on a wild goose chase. Well, wallet chase but that’s beside the point. I had to leave her behind because she pointed out that the newly dead souls needed supervising so they didn’t do anything stupid. I left her there, thinking she would be responsible enough to not cause problems. Boy was I wrong. As soon as I left, her demigod ADHD kicked in and she forgot what she was supposed to be doing and started looking for a place to hide my wallet.’ ‘You can’t prove that’ Bianca pointed out. ‘You confessed!’ ‘I don’t recall that; do you have a witness?’ ‘You know full well I don’t!’ ‘Well then you can’t prove it. Continue your story.’ ‘You are so annoying! Don’t you have anything better to do?’ ‘Nah, I’m not banging your mom until later so I’m completely free to annoy you right now.’ ‘YOU ARE NOT BANGING MY MOM!’ he yelled. ‘You wish buddy. How do you feel about having two moms?’ she said, inspecting her fingernails absentmindedly. ‘You suck!’ ‘That’s what she said’ ‘She did not! ANYWAY, after retracing all my steps, I concluded my wallet must be in the underworld. So, I went back there, only to find Bianca was nowhere to be seen and the souls I had escorted were running around playing catch with Cerberus.’ ‘That was my suggestion’, Bianca interrupted, ‘I thought it would keep them busy, and it did.’ ‘Cerberus was supposed to be guarding the EZ Death Line! While you were hiding my wallet near the Styx and making a booby trap to prank me when I found it and Cerberus was away from his post, half the souls in Asphodel went off into Elysium and ran amok! They ate food off the barbeques, annoyed the residents and broke into the houses, leaving them in a state of careless disarray!’ ‘And where are these souls now?’ Hades asked. ‘They’re still rioting in Elysium.’ ‘You mean to tell me that you came to complain about the situation to me before doing your job?’ ‘Well, I wouldn’t put it that way because it makes me sound incompetent but yes.’ ‘It isn’t hard to make you sound incompetent.’ Bianca added, earning a glare from Hermes. ‘You do realise your contract states that you don’t get your pay until any incidents caused by you are resolved and the costs of the time and damages of those incidents are taken out of your pay?’ Hades asked. ‘Well yes, but it was technically Bianca’s fault, so I feel that part of the contract is void.’ ‘You left her to supervise the souls, she found a way to keep them busy. The souls already judged did not count as part of Bianca’s duties and therefore you caused the incident by prioritising your snakes’ comfort over your paid duties. Therefore, it is not void and adding up the costs as per your contract, you won’t be receiving payment for the month of June.’ Hermes glared at Bianca, who gave him a smug look. ‘Yes Uncle.’ He said dejectedly, leaving the throne room. As soon as Hermes was out of earshot, Hades turned to his daughter. ‘You stole his wallet and booby trapped it near the Styx?’ ‘Maybe…’ ‘I’m so proud,’ he replied, a tear springing to his eyes. ‘My daughter- MY DAUGHTER, out-thieved the god of thieves.’ ‘According to video game logic, I should be the god of thieves now.’ Bianca added. ‘I’ll take it up with Zeus.’ ‘Nah. Too much responsibility. Plus, he already looked like he was going to kill me because of his lost pay. Imagine how angry he’d be if I cost him his job.’ ‘Fair enough.’

#percy jackson #percyjackson #percy jackson fanfiction #bianca di angelo #biancadiangelo #hermes #hades #percy jackson and the olympians

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mellometal · 4 years ago

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Hi, everyone.

I have something extremely important to talk about that is NOT fandom related. I really do hope this can reach everyone on here, especially since it's still Autism Acceptance Month.

A few quick questions for anyone who happens to see this before I dive right into this: Have you ever heard of Dhar Mann? If so, have you ever seen his videos? What do you think about them?

If you don't know who Dhar Mann is, he's a content creator whose main platforms are Instagram and YouTube. He makes these videos about various scenarios from a couple on the brink of divorce, to kids bullying one of their peers, even about Autism Spectrum Disorder. All of his videos have some kind of message at the end that really drives the point home. One of his most recent videos is about ASD, which is what I'm going to discuss today.

Personally, I think some of his videos are interesting, despite the concepts being reused and recycled over and over; however, how I feel about the video he made about ASD is the complete opposite. I'll summarize the video he made so you don't have to watch it. (If you really want to watch it to see exactly what I'm talking about, I'm not gonna stop you. Do what you need to do in order to form your own opinion.)

The video Dhar Mann made about ASD is about this boy who excludes his autistic brother from participating in activities with his friends at school. The boy bullies his autistic brother and does pretty much everything to make his brother's life Hell, even going as far as to pretend that he doesn't know his own brother. The boy "instantly regrets his decision" when their mom is called into the school to discipline her son for bullying his autistic brother. What his mother says is what REALLY upsets me. The message of this video in particular is this, WORD FOR FUCKING WORD. I wish I was kidding. But here's the message below:

How the video concludes is the boy reluctantly includes his autistic brother in every single activity, the boy sees his brother's potential, and they live happily ever after. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

As an autistic woman who works with disabled people for a living, that message Dhar Mann put in this video specifically is not only extremely ableist, but is also spreading misinformation about ASD.

News flash to all the people who still spread misinformation about ASD: Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school, nor is every single autistic person a young white man who's a Super Genius™️. (I could go on all day long about how the media stereotypes autistic characters and autistic people in general, but that's a whole other topic.) No autistic person is the same, meaning we all fall on the spectrum in different places and all that jazz. There's no "look" to autistic people either because no autistic person looks the same.

Autistic women exist.

Autistic girls exist.

Autistic nonbinary people exist.

Autistic BIPOC and AAPI exist.

Autistic people who are completely nonverbal exist.

Autistic people who are completely verbal exist.

Autistic people who are in the middle of being nonverbal and verbal exist.

Autistic people who require minimal to no support exist.

Autistic people who require moderate support exist.

Autistic people who require full support exist.

Autistic LGBT people exist. (Reason why I bring this one up is because the media almost always shows cishet autistic men and I don't see autistic LGBT representation very often, if ever.)

Autism isn't something you can "catch". People have this same mentality about ADHD and Tourette's Syndrome too, which, by the way, you can't "catch" either.

Autism doesn't "go away" when you reach adolescence or adulthood. Why? BECAUSE AUTISTIC TEENAGERS AND AUTISTIC ADULTS EXIST. Autistic kids grow into autistic teenagers, then into autistic adults.

You can't "cure" it either. Unless you can build a time machine and a device to go back in time to change how a person's brain develops, there is no cure. ABA therapy is a fucking shit show in itself that does more harm than good.

The title of the video is a real squick for me too. It's mostly because I don't particularly enjoy people using person first language (the "boy with autism" part). I've seen many other autistic people on multiple other platforms sharing that same sentiment and preferring identity first language (autistic person). There are also others who prefer using person first language and those who don't have a preference. That's all perfectly valid. Whatever you prefer people using when referring to you, or whatever you refer to yourself as, in this case, is totally valid and I love you. This goes for disabilities in general, not just Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Regarding the message in this video, here's my response to it! A quick heads-up, my response is VERY long and VERY passionate. I was VERY close to making a response video where I tear that video apart AND tear Dhar Mann a new asshole. Unfortunately, it worked me up so much that I was really struggling with what I wanted to say and I had to stop multiple times because I kept stumbling on my words. That's how angry this message made me. I'll try my best to explain whatever parts you have questions about. I put my response in the nicest way I possibly could, despite me seething with rage, wanting to go OFF on him.

(The first part of my response are the first three screenshots, and the second part are the last three screenshots.)

The first part of my response, I did forget to add that the message is offensive and disrespectful to autistic people as a whole. I apologize. My initial comment got way too long. I pretty much covered that when I told him the message is ableist. I wanted to clear that up before anyone asks about it.

The second part of my response is me opening up about my experience with being diagnosed with ASD, formerly known as As//per//ger's Syn//dro//me, at sixteen years old. I also went into how not calling ASD what it truly is (which is a disability) and calling it a "different ability" instead is extremely harmful and is treating being disabled like it's a bad thing.

By the way, saying that a disabled person is disabled isn't a bad thing. I'm disabled. It is what it is. Does it have its challenges? You bet. Does it help me with certain things? Hell yeah. I can really absorb information about my favorite bands, characters, shows, books, etc., and tell you a lot about those things. For example, I can tell you that Su can't ride a bike or read manga and she's okay with that. I can also tell you she can't tie her shoes very well, which is why her boots don't have laces and are slip-on and/or zip-up. But that doesn't mean my struggles are nonexistent or that I never struggle. I do, and it makes my life Hell at times.

The narrative that autism is a bad thing to have, every autistic person is somehow broken and they all need to be "fixed" is also super fucked up and not true. That's the narrative that I received when I was diagnosed by a therapist I had. I'm gonna be real here, I cried when I was first told that I was diagnosed with ASD. I felt like I was broken. I already felt like a total outcast. Being told about my diagnosis made me feel even more broken than I already felt. I was so ashamed of myself, despite me not doing anything wrong whatsoever, that I masked for SEVEN YEARS of my life. I masked for so long that I forgot I was even diagnosed with ASD in the first place. I wasn't taught how to really put my special interests into good use. I kinda had to figure that out on my own. I was pretty much under the assumption that me being interested in anime, cartoons, music, comics, theatre, writing, etc., to the point of obsession, was somehow weird and hurting people around me. You know, despite those things being harmless. Despite me being able to separate those things from other things that are important (like work, for example). Despite my only surviving parent, other family members, and the woman he was dating at the time completely overreacting and not bothering to see exactly what makes these things so special to me.

(By the way, having a disability does not completely make who a person is. There are a lot more things that make who a person is than that.)

It's kinda shocking that I wasn't able to come to terms with my diagnosis until this year. Considering that I masked for so long due to being ashamed of myself, plus being treated like a burden for being disabled, it's probably not very surprising. I initially thought at the time that it was the worst thing to have, as I was already struggling with enough shit back then, but came to realize it's not a bad thing. It doesn't change who I am. But I'm glad I came to terms with it finally nonetheless.

This is getting way too long, so I'm gonna wrap things up here. If you've read this far, thank you so much. I'm sorry this got so long!

If you watched the video, what are your thoughts on it? If this is your first time hearing about Dhar Mann, how do you feel about him? If you're a Dhar Mann fan, did this change your opinion on him in any way? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

Have a great day, everyone!

#mello speaks #dhar mann #autism acceptance #autism spectrum disorder #being autistic isn't a bad thing #autism isn't a different ability stop fucking saying it is #autistic community #autism self advocacy network #autistic women and non-binary people network #fuck autism speaks #i had to say this #dhar mann will live to regret his decision uwu #autism acceptance month #autism speaks does not speak for me #light it up red #light it up gold #no puzzle pieces #tw dhar mann

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percyscourt · 4 years ago

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To All The Girls I've Loved Before / Percy Jackson AU

based more on the film version than the novel

Percy Jackson is a 16 year-old hopeless romantic with stormy eyes, a mischevious smile, and jet black hair that spills all over his eyes. He falls and hard, usually liking people for a long time. Instead of telling his crushes, though, he instead writes each a letter- letters he never even thinks once about sending. Each letter is addressed to each of his five (5) main crushes, equipped with why, when, and how he fell for each of them

letter #1: annabeth chase. annabeth chase was percy's first kiss back at a party in seventh grade. it was only for a second, due to a game of spin the bottle, but it was as if the world lit up to percy. in the letter, he reveals that even though annabeth was dating his then-bestfriend, Luke Castellan, percy continued to secretly like her for the rest of seventh grade and most of eighth. the one thing percy loved the most about annabeth was also the one he hated the most; everybody liked her, and it was impossible for him not to fall for her. in his eyes and the eyes of most, she was perfect.

letter #2: rachel elizabeth dare. rachel elizabeth dare was the first person percy liked after getting over his crush on annabeth. it all started on a rainy day when they had to put up the PE's gym bats. rachel was the only one who ever called percy PJ, and he secretly loved it. he also wished he had a nickname for her. their time together was short-lived though, because rachel moved away at the start of the summer after eighth grade. after she left, percy wrote the letter admitting that he wished something had happened between them, even saying he wish she never left.

letter #3: thalia grace. thalia grace was percy's date to homecoming in ninth grade. in his letter, he admitted that he fell for thalia due to her grace- no pun intended- and witty comments all while they danced. percy admitted the crush lasted a little while, and grew even bigger from their english class presentations because thalia just seemed so confident. he ended the letter with a question, what kind of boys did thalia like? was he one of them?

letter #4: calypso from camp. calypso and percy went to the same camp the summer after eighth grade. this romance was very short-lived and percy never even learned her last name. he started liking her after she showed him how to make a shell necklace during arts-and-crafts, but when camp ended, he wrote the letter then sort of forgot about her.

letter #5: silena beauregard. percy actually wrote on two different occasions for silena. after silena moved in the neighborhood when percy was going into sixth and she was going into seventh, her, percy, and percy's older brother, Charles "charlie", all became friends very quickly. the first part of the letter was written when charlie and silena started dating when percy was in ninth grade. percy admitted in the letter that he wished that him and silena got more alone time, despite her relationship with his brother. due to respect for his brother, though he never finished the letter. that is, until charlie broke up with silena right before leaving for college. percy finished the letter on another page, stating how the breakup made him realize that he still had unresolved feelings for silena left over. though again, he said nothing could ever happen between them because of charlie.

it was september of percy's high school junior year when the letters get out. charlie's away at college, leaving percy and tyson alone to fight amongst themselves. after a particularly bad fight, tyson sent out all the letters while percy was asleep.

the next monday, percy was running laps outside at pe when was approached by a very confused annabeth clutching her letter. percy, being as graceful as he is, fainted. when he woke up, not only was annabeth staring down at him, still confused, but silena was also walking towards him, her own letter in hand. so, he did the only thing he could think of- he reached for annabeth and kissed her. annabeth seemed surprised but still kissed him back, and the kiss lasted for what seemed like minutes to percy. when they finally broke apart silena is nowhere in sight. almost as quickly as percy kissed annabeth, he runs.

he runs all the way into school where he runs into thalia grace. "percy! thank gosh!" it takes all of percy's willpower to stop himself from fainting when he sees that thalia also is holding her letter. "uh, you know i'm aromantic, right? i mean, you're sweet, and i totally had fun at homecoming, but i don't-" percy's face turns a bright shade of red. "yeah, yeah, of course. it was a long time ago anyway. uh, can we talk later?" as soon as thalia nods, percy heads to his locker and leaves school, running like the devil was chasing him (percy put off taking his driving test due to the fact that his extreme ADHD made it really hard to concentrate on the road, so he mostly ran everywhere)

when he got home, he ran to his closet to see that all the letters had been sent. one good thing- his letter to calypso had been mailed back, as he didn't know her address. bad thing? everybody else's had sent, and he didn't know how to do damage control.

a little after his mother and brother got home, percy still was trying to figure out how the letters had gotten out. he was tearing apart his room for the fifth time when his mom called up to him; "Percy! Silena's here! Looks like she really wants to talk to you!" percy, of course, instead, hopped down the stairs of the fire escape and headed to his favorite diner, the Big House Diner

when he got there, he immediately asked for his regular order and waited. since he was too busy looking out the window, he didn't realize that somebody had sat down next to him. "Hey, Jackson." percy looked over to see annabeth not even three feet away from his spot at the bar. the waitress came over, asked for annabeth's order, and then left. in attempt to make things less awkward, percy asked annabeth what she was doing there. she was quiet for a while before admitting she had asked Tyson where she could find Percy. "Look, I just wanna be super clear." percy realized annabeth was trying to turn him down and quickly spoke up, "Annabeth, I'm not trying to date you."

after annabeth still kept going, percy explained the letters and then admitted he had only kissed annabeth because he saw silena coming. when annabeth just looked at him confused, percy told her how his brother was no longer dating silena but it would be super awkward if silena believed percy still liked her. "Wait, so. I'm not the only girl that got a letter? Damn, Jackson, you're a player"

Annabeth kept asking who percy sent the letters to, and he ended up telling her about all of them. Just as percy was about to leave, annabeth stopped him. "Did you...walk here?" moments later, percy was getting a ride home in annabeth's jeep. annabeth drove him home but neither of them said anything for awhile. finally, annabeth asked percy what he was going to do about silena, to which percy admitted he had no clue, but that he maybe still liked silena.

before percy got into his house, annabeth had gotten out of the car to stop him. "What if you didn't tell her? What if we let people think we were actually together?" annabeth explained how when luke heard about the kiss, he went ballistic, and how he'd want to get back together soon enough if he thought percy and annabeth were a thing. annabeth left him to think about her proposition, and percy was up almost all night thinking about it

the next day during free period, percy and annabeth met up on the outside benches. "first, if we're doing this, we need rules." "seriously, Jackson?" "Lists help me focus my thoughts."

Percy and Annabeth's rules: 'Annabeth will play with Percy's hair' 'Percy has to read at least one of Annabeth's favorite books' Annabeth has to watch Finding Nemo with Percy, because it's a classic' 'Annabeth will write Percy notes everday' Both people can never tell anybody the relationship is fake' 'Percy has to come to Annabeth's lacrosse games. And the parties.' Annabeth has to drive Percy and Tyson to school' 'Annabeth and Percy have to have better nicknames for each other than just their last names'

"You like the beach, right?" "Yeah, why?" "Then I'll call you Seaweed Brain." "I wish you wouldn't....Wise Girl"

And lastly, 'Percy must go on the school ski trip with me' Percy agreed, secretly thinking to himself that since it was three months away, they probably wouldn't still be doing this. but instead of saying that, he said, "Okay. Deal." both signed, then shook on it for extra measure

the next day, october 1st, their contract was put into motion. percy woke up, got ready for school, and sure enough, when he and tyson walked out of their house, there annabeth was, waiting to drive them in her jeep

as soon as they got into the car, annabeth turned to talk to tyson. "hey, little Percy, what's that?" "it's our mom's famous blue breakfast smoothie. and my name- thanks for asking- is Tyson. Ty to my friends. So, you can call me Tyson." Annabeth smiled, turned to Percy and said, "He's got spunk. I like him." tyson pretended not to hear but percy could tell he was pleased based on his small smile. he wasted no time, though, and immediately asked why the heck annabeth was driving them. "Well, I'm your brother's girlfriend." this response from annabeth came so suddenly that percy almost spit out all of his smoothie. "Can I try some of that, Tyson?" 'Sure' "Oh wow, that is really good. If I drive you guys to school again, will you get me another one of those?" "If you keep driving us to school, you can call me Ty."

as soon as percy and annabeth walked into school, percy knew that people knew. for one thing, when annabeth and percy walked to class together, people started saying his name, started noticing him. "Hey, Percy!" was like a chorus all around him- even from the principal, Mr. D- who had only ever called Percy "Peter" before

when percy and annabeth walked into lunch, annabeth threw her head back in a laugh, brought it down in between percy's shoulder and head, then reached up and played with his hair. she reached into her back pocket and pulled out a note. "This is for you." Annabeth reached up to kiss Percy's cheek and whispered in his ear a quiet "Good job" before breaking away from him, giving Percy a good view of Luke Castellan. And by good, Percy meant horrible. Luke managed to look equal parts bored and murderous at the same time, and Percy quickly made his way to the cafeteria for some water

right before he got into the doorway, percy was suddenly pulled back. "This Chase thing is fucking insane, Perc!" it was Grover Underwood, Percy's best friend since the beginning of middle school. grover never really talked to anybody at school, but instead preferred hanging out with college kids. he was probably the last person that percy thought would be excited over this. the rest of the day percy got equal reactions from everybody else, not to mention a lot of comments and compliments from random girls

when he got home, percy realized he hadn't called charlie or answered his calls in almost a week. it took him maybe two hours after getting home to work up the courage to call him. "Finally. I feel like we haven't talked in forever, so... lay everything on me." percy debated on how to start, before finally settling on first talking about literally anything and anybody else besides him, silena, or annabeth. "Mom and I are making her famous blue cookies for Ty's bake sale." "Bro, cookies? Nah, nah, you've got to do brownies. They're easier." percy was about to argue when charlie started on a different topic.

"So have you heard from Silena recently?"

of course, in regular percy fashion, he started rambling. "Silena? who? oh, like our neighbor? her? uh, well, no, we don't....I mean I- I'm going to go make the cookies. See ya!" quicker than charlie could reply bye, percy hung up.

he was in the middle of getting out ingredients when his doorbell rang. it was annabeth. "Did you not read my note? We're going to Clarisse's party tonight." percy opened his mouth just as his mom walked through the door. "Annabeth Chase? Oh, my, you grew up so beautifully! You're so tall now!" Sally Jackson pulled Annabeth into a quick, yet strong hug in welcoming. all it took was annabeth to mention the party for sally to not only tell percy he was going, but that she would bake the cookies for him, and that he couldn't be home before ten but also not after one. "Of course, no drugs! Other than that, please have fun."

before he knew it, percy found him and annabeth standing outside of Clarisse La Rue's house. just as Percy reached to pull his sweatshirt hood over his head, annabeth slapped his hand away. "what're you doing? your hair looks so much better when you don't have that hood over it. give it to me." after taking his sweatshirt, annabeth put it on herself. she took his phone, took a picture of herself, then set it as his lockscreen. for the finishing effect, she looped his arm around her shoulders and let him lead the way inside.

walking into the party was just as school had been; annabeth introduced percy to her friends, people said hi to him, etc. it took only about five minutes for luke to spot him, and when he did, he invited percy to sit. percy sat down on the couch where luke and the Stoll brothers were sitting together. "So, what's going on with you and Annie?" percy didn't even open his mouth before Connor and Travis were bombarding him with questions of how, when, everything. "Shut up, guys. It's not like they're ever gonna do anything. Annabeth has only been with me and...I bet Percy's never even kissed a girl before."

apparently he didn't care about percy's reaction, because luke suddenly left, and his spot was replaced by annabeth, holding a cup for both herself and percy. "Let's take a picture together- for my phone." percy stared at her dumbly for maybe ten seconds trying to figure out what to do. he finally settled on one of the most cliché poses he saw on insta- he kissed her cheek.

annabeth left to go talk to her team and suddenly percy was alone. just as fast as he was alone, he wasn't. suddenly thalia grace was there. "I guess your letter worked, huh? Don't worry, your secret's safe with me"

while percy and thalia talked, annabeth went to the bathroom. in perfect character, luke followed her in, and immediately started talking. "So Jackson, eh? That's cute. Oh! Is this his sweatshirt? Do you mind? It's chilly." Luke took the sweatshirt from where Annabeth had set it on the counter, but instead of wearing it, he tied it around his neck like a polo scarf. of course, annabeth asked for it back. "No, I think I'll keep it for awhile, okay Annie?"

annabeth found percy, and after saying goodbye to thalia, they headed over to the Big House Diner. as soon as they got there, annabeth praised and praised percy for his "excellence performance in making luke jealous." percy shrugged, but he could feel heat rising on his face. to add on to that heat, annabeth started talking about when they were kids. "you've always had better style than Luke, and i think it made him jealous. better hair, too." of course, all through dinner, annabeth's phone was blowing up- with texts from luke. "So you guys still talk, then?" percy knew how he sounded- jealous- but annabeth didn't comment on his tone. "Sometimes. Hey, don't judge!" "Don't call him tonight."

they spent the rest of the night talking about the love letters, why percy hadn't had a girlfriend yet, why annabeth was still hung up on luke, etc. after dinner, annabeth drove percy home, reminding him to be ready the next morning for school. percy got ready for bed after responding to Annabeth's new instagram post of them, but stayed awake for a long time. when he finally did fall asleep, he went to bed with a smile on his face

by november, they had the fake dating thing down pact. percy would eat with annabeth's lacrosse team at lunch and bring them some of his mom's baked goods, percy and annabeth would call each other nicknames, etc. percy had to admit it was a nice change of pace, but he still caught himself feeling a little bit lost sometimes. especially when he started noticing silena staring across the cafeteria at him everyday

it was maybe the fifth week of percy and annabeth's relationship when silena showed up at percy's door wanting to talk. "I can't believe you're dating Annabeth." percy let silena rant about this "unlikely relationship" before cutting her off to ask if there was anything else. "Did you mean everything...in the letter?" "I don't know, okay? It was a long time ago." "So what am I supposed to do? I'm not going to tell Charlie or anything; he doesn't even talk to me anymore. Gosh, are we not even friends anymore Percy?" "I'm sorry, Silena. We can't talk right now."

percy forced himself to stop thinking about silena, and instead put all his effort into his relationship with annabeth. the only problem? percy was worried about the endgame. his mom and tyson were both so attached to annabeth at that point that percy couldn't imagine how they'd react when their thing stopped. it wasn't just his family he was worried about, either. he had had multiple family dinners at the Chase house, and he found that he actually enjoyed them

not only were their families getting closer, percy realized that so were he and annabeth. sometimes when they talked, their relationship seemed so scarily real that he couldn't breathe. they would talk about how percy's dad had passed away, how annabeth had run away from home and had an absent mother, everything.

percy, instead of talking to annabeth, turned to silena instead. he talked about how he felt himself falling for annabeth, for real, and silena listened to everything he had to say without any input. of course, annabeth hated the fact they still talked, maybe just as much as percy hated seeing luke and annabeth talk

Percy became so worried that he was falling for annabeth that all he wanted to do was call the whole thing off. "You know, maybe we should just call it." "Not before the ski trip, Seaweed Brain!" "Fine. I'll go. But only if Grover comes with."

Percy asked Grover, assuming he would say no, then almost killed him when he answered yes. percy spent the weeks leading up to the trip split between packing and worrying. on the way there, he sat with grover and slept the entire time. when they got there, he not so subtlety ignored and evaded annabeth's attempts to hang out together. him and grover ended up rooming together, and when grover went out, percy invited thalia over to their room to talk. he told her all about annabeth, the letters, the fake relationship, the maybe real feelings, everything. of course, thalia told him to do something, anything. "She obviously likes you, you know."

before he could talk himself out of it, percy had put on a jersey over his boxes. he headed down to the hot tub where thalia said annabeth would probably be waiting. sure enough, when percy got there, annabeth was all alone. "Now you want to hang out? I wanted to sit next to you on the bus Percy, and you ignored me, you know." it took percy a solid two minutes to realize what annabeth was trying to get at. before he could second guess it, he was in the hot tub, and then he was only an inch away from annabeth's face. and then they were kissing. and then percy slipped, dragging annabeth under with him. but they were still kissing, and all percy could think was that this had to be the best underwater kiss of all time

after the hot tub, percy walked annabeth back to her room and they kissed goodnight. for the rest of the ski trip, they were like this- affectionate, happy, and real. the morning they were leaving, percy, as always, was late- the very last on the bus. when he finally got on the bus, it erupted in cheers. "Jackson, you dog!" people reached over to slap his back and shoulders as he made his way to sit by annabeth. he thought about asking annabeth about it, but no sooner than he sat down had she started using his shoulder as a pillow, so he decided to forget about it.

when they got back to school, luke stopped percy before he could leave. "It's so cool that you came on the ski trip, you know? Almost as cool as how understanding you are about Annie and I's friendship. Like, a lot of boys would be a little mad that their girlfriend slept in another guy's room, but you're just really mature I guess. Oh! And it's sweet how you're okay with Annie still giving me gifts, like this sweatshirt here. Anyway, have a great break, Jackson."

when Annabeth came over to drive percy home, he told her he'd rather walk instead. he headed home in the fifty degree weather, and had only been walking a minute before he broke into a full sprint. when percy got home, he was so distracted that he didn't see tyson in the living room. as always, tyson tackled him before he could even say hi. then, just as he broke away, suddenly charlie was there, hugging both of them. it was so good to have both his brothers there with him that percy almost forgot about annabeth. almost.

it was an hour before dinner when annabeth showed up, voice loud and eyes watering. "Nothing happened between me and Luke that night, okay? We have history, he was sad, I helped him, but nothing happened Percy."

percy could barely listen and had barely gotten a word in when a third voice stepped in. "Maybe you should leave, Annabeth." Silena stood next to Percy, back straight and protective. "This is why you want to break up? Not because of Luke and I, but her? Are you seriously in love with this...Kardashian wannabe?!" suddenly, there was a fourth voice. "You're in love with Silena?" "Charlie, c'mon man, wait! Both of you need to leave. Now" "You were never second best, Percy. I promise."

just as percy went to go talk to charlie, his phone rang. somebody had sent him a video- of him and annabeth in the hot tub. 'It's always the geeky guys that try to act hard, isn't it?' percy threw his phone and stayed in his room for almost two days straight. when he finally left, he went down the hall to charlie's room.

"I'm so stupid" percy and charlie talked about everything, the letters, the video, silena, annabeth; and by the third hour of talking, percy and charlie were no longer fighting, just catching up

"Let's not have anymore secrets between the Jackson brothers now, okay?" Tyson said as soon as he saw they had made up. "That includes me. I sent the letters, okay? I'm sorry." Percy smiled for only a minute before moving to attack Tyson with Charlie's punching glove. "If I can forgive you for writing Silena a letter, don't you think you can forgive Ty for sending them?" he hated it, but Percy couldn't argue with that logic, and he forgave tyson fast.

fast forward to new year's, and percy still hadn't talked to annabeth. instead, he spent most days at the community indoor pool, all day. it got so bad that one time his mom picked him up an hour earlier than usual. "Come on, let's go for a drive, alright?" after percy got dressed in sweats, his mom took him to the Big House. "Your father and I used to dance here, you know, using the jukebox." percy stayed quiet; his mother never talked about his father anymore, not ever since he was confirmed dead at sea. his mom used this silence to her advantage and continued to talking, but switched to a different topic. "Seeing you with Annabeth was really...good. For all of us, I think. You guys seem to really like each other."

when percy got back to school, the video had been taken down. of course, there was a photo on his locker of them. 'Told her not to trust him. I bet he slipped her something. She would never get into a hottub with him out of her own free-will.' while percy stared at the message, grover ripped it down, and suddenly annabeth was there, screaming. "Hey! It was my choice to get in that hottub. If you want to shame, shame me, but leave Percy out of it, because he didn't do anything wrong to me, okay? He's probably the nicest guy here and you're all just asshats that can't see it"

after her speech, annabeth headed over to percy. "I'm sorry." "I've got to talk to somebody else, first, Annabeth." Percy looked all around school until he found who he was looking for. "Seriously, Luke? What the hell's your problem, man?" "You, Percy. You have been since you kissed my girlfriend in seventh grade. You broke the bro code first, remember?" percy couldn't believe that luke cared about that kiss, maybe more so than percy had when he wrote annabeth her letter. percy suddenly wasn't mad at luke, he was....sorry? for him. he couldn't explain it, but it didn't seem worth fighting over anymore. percy stepped back from luke and let him leave.

after school, percy invited silena over. "You were the first girl I ever truly liked, but I didn't realize until you started dating Charlie. But, over time...that feeling faded away. And, I guess, I'm trying to say...I miss you. But not in a romantic qay, just as a best friend." "Well, duh! I miss my best friend too, Perc. Obviously, I'm not a big fan of your little miss perfect, but I like how she stood up for you. It takes a lot for girls to stand up in that way, especially since that video could wreck a future scholarship for her. maybe you should tell her you miss her" "What if it isn't as real to her as it is to me?"

percy and silena sat in silence for a while before tyson came downstairs with a cookie jar. it was the one percy tried to throw away- the one full of annabeth's notes to him. percy spent the next twenty minutes reading all the letters before he made up his mind.

percy got in his mom's car, drove all the way to school, and rushed across the field. annabeth, fresh off practice, stood in the middle, watching percy come to her. "I drove here." "Really?" "Yep. Okay, bye now." "Wait, Percy, wait. what's in your hand?" percy turned to leave, but annabeth grabbed his wrist. "Read me the letter, Percy."

percy opened the letter and closed it almost immediately, looking into annabeth's eyes instead. "I need you to know that I like you, Annabeth Chase, and not in a fake way." percy held his breath and got ready to hear bad news. instead, annabeth said, "Well, I'm in love with you, Seaweed Brain. Now, are you going to break my heart, or are you going to kiss me?"

"I'm never letting go of you again, you know that, Wise Girl?" "I know."

they kissed, and percy couldn't help but be happy that the letters had gotten out. after all, he knew that him and annabeth probably wouldn't be together without them.

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mimzy-writing-online · 5 years ago

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Some Blind Things I (and actual blind person) Have Done

I talk all the time about what’s realistic for a blind person to do and how to write a blind character who isn’t a complete media myth of touching faces and super powers... soooo, part of that is knowing what kind of things an actual blind person (me) fucks up doing because I’m blind.

These moments include: Me sarcastically telling people I cannot see the thing they’re doing. Moments where I have zero manners. Moments where I do have manners. Making people uncomfortable because they’re staring at me. Great phrases like, “I have too much ADHD to count to eight.” and “It’s literally illegal for me to drive.” and “Wait, who are you?” “That’s not how we talk to people Mimzy.” My cats’ growing concern that I can’t see them or tell them apart but continuing to love me. Channeling my inner Toph Bei-Fong. Updates on the ongoing insomnia writing.

There’s no chronological order to them, I’m not sure there’s going to be any order to them at all, but it’s 3 am and I can’t sleep and it’s called the Late Night Writing Advice Blog for a reason.

(I definitely did not have to double check my own blog title while typing that, definitely not)

Note: This list gets a little long, but it’s a funny read and I was up until 4:30 (this note is from a future Mimzy who’s almost finished posting this, after 1.5 hours)

Additional Note: Feel free to send anons with commentary or reblog with commentary because I would love if someone enjoyed this. Like, these are stories of my life, please appreciate them.

The Things!

-My best friend and I hang out mostly at night because of his 9-5 job, and he still lives with his parents who probably don’t like me so when we hang out we’re mostly driving around on random adventures and coffee/tea runs and late night dinners.

So it’s night, and my night vision is awful and I have to wear sunglasses anyway because what I can see is painfully bright headlights so yeah I see basically nothing.

With my best friend, I have

1. after asking him a question: “Did you nod at me and I just didn’t see it.” “I did nod.” or after waiting long enough for a response he’ll realize what he did on his own and say, “I was shaking my head no, sorry.”

2. Reaching into total darkness to touch his shoulder and touched his armpit instead.

3. Dropped something from my bag onto his messy car floor and asked him to find it for me because it all looks blurry and grey-black down there, even without sunglasses

4. Sensed he was going for a high five and I gave him a perfect high five. Surprised, he wanted to test it again. I completely missed.

5. “We’re passing the oil refinery, so enjoy hearing, touching, smelling, tasting that.” plus 3 other identical jokes on the same drive. “Hey, can you stop making blind jokes, I’m starting to hate them these days.” “When did that happen?” “When one not-great classmate slash sort of friend made them all the time.” “That’s a shame.” “Blind jokes from sighted people are also super repetitive. The only blind jokes I seem to like are from other blind people.”

6. Him: “You’re rolling your eyes behind your sunglasses, I can tell!”

7. Once we saw snow once our way driving home from Las Vegas. It was March, it was after midnight, and the warmest it had been at any point in that night was 40 degrees Fahrenheit (4.4 degrees Celsius. That’s a real comparison?? That’s a scary number to an American who’s barely ever left California. We were driving through the mountainy area of California where the temp really drops and for three seconds we saw snow in the wind. Well, he saw it. Something moved, it was small and flaky but like... that was actually snow and I couldn’t see it? (this was three, almost four years ago)

8. Last weekend we drove around the rich neighborhoods to look at Christmas decorations because I love Christmas lights because for ones light actually looks pretty instead of painful and I can see it at night without hurting, so it’s nice. I love the pretty visual things. Blindness will not take the pretty visual things from me! And the decorations just make me so happy and I wanted to do that last year but never did, so we did that this year

9. I also told him about the cripple punk tag on Tumblr last weekend and he was delighted to know it exists because he’s got other chronic health issues including downright awful knees.

Other blind things not directly involving my best friend

1. I have paused writing to ask a sighted person if it’s realistic for my sighted characters to see X item from Y distance away. Usually my dad with his stupidly perfect vision.

2. Realizing I’m forgetting what sighted people can see. It’s been four years since I saw like a normal person. And all my sighted memories are literally blurry from age.

3. But I still have dreams where I see normally. And then dreams where everything is too bright like in real life and I cannot see and what is happening???

At home, specifically

1. I have three cats who I can’t tell the difference between. I have a small black and brown tabby cat. A black and orange tortie cat who is slightly heavy but medium build. An all black cat who is huge and has the longest fur I’ve ever touched on a cat. I cannot tell the difference between them until I’m up close. Especially if the lighting bad.

2. Tonight I almost set my laptop on top of Remy, my brown and black tabby, because I didn’t see here a foot away from me, curled up next to my leg, somehow blending in with my orange and blue comforter. Her concerned look I did see and was horrified by my almost fuck up and apologized profusely for.

3. Cannot see Felix, my black cat, half the time if the lighting is bad and have almost sat on him, put my feet in his face, tripped over him, etc. because he blends into the shadows and oh my fucking god I cannot see that.

Note: Remy cuddles with me all the time. Felix adores me but will not be caught dead cuddling anyone because dignity, but if he’s in my room and nobody’s around to see he’s insistent on cuddling. Rio (black and orange tortie) is devoted to my mum, and she knows she makes me nervous when she suddenly jumps on me and I get really shifty and squirmy and not fun to cuddle with, so we’re cool and I give her pets but she doesn’t usually crawl onto me unless she wants to make my mum jealous.

4. Can sneak up on family members and friends because I move so quietly, so at least there’s that. Not a blind thing, but it makes up for some things.

5. Have walked up to someone I thought was a friend, realized I don’t know them, and the first thing out my mouth was “Wait, who are you?” and then a close friend (and the party host) grab me by the shoulders and say, “That’s not how we talk to people,” and just like, where are your manners Mimzy, wtf, but I never saw that stranger again so it’s okay.

Side Note: blindness aside, I do have a habit of just rudely speaking my mind in not-appropriate settings because I just don’t care and don’t have the anxiety to at least act like I care. They’re very satisfying, but usually very rare moments.

6. Please stop moving things around the house!

7. “What do you mean there are cobwebs?” *Shines a flashlight at the dark corners of my room* “oh my god...”

8. Me, to my family members, “Please close those curtains, light hurts. Please turn off that lamp, it’s too bright in here.” *me, later turns off most of the lights in the house* Family members: “Why is it so dark in here? I can’t see.” *Me, channeling my inner Toph Bei-Fong* “Oh no, what a tragedy!”

9. Mum is the only one who vaguely appreciates my light sensitivity because she also has snow vision (a mild case) and has a little light sensitivity, sometimes, on her bad days.

More Not Quite Appropriate Things!

There are so many things that I say only to realize that there is a very nearby stranger who heard that out of context and it sounded so bad.

1. Best Friend (while I’m walking down stairs just fine, by myself, don’t need anyone’s help, I can do it!) “There are eight steps.” “I don’t need your help.” “I know but--” “I’m fine!” “I’m just trying to help.” “I have too much ADHD to count to eight anyway!”

“I have too much ADHD to count to eight anyway,” is exactly what two strangers heard while walking right behind me.

Why would you sneak up on someone who’s so obviously blind??

2. “Sea foam green is an ugly color anyway.” I was in a mall, it was well lit and I was using my cane and managing with my crap vision, but I managed to see that specific color I hate on a dress right next to me, and the woman walking on the other side of the mannequin display heard that and did a double take on my obviously blind self.

Or so I’m told by my mom who could see what happened.

3. Similar to above, I was in the Artist Village in San Diego, which is a huge tourist trap, and I was sort of a tourist too, but it’s freaking outdoors, so I have the cane and sunglasses. And I’m in an Artist Village (very visual thing) with my parents, so out of place. And this random dude was apparently staring at me. Cannot see him, absolutely no idea which direction my mum is pointing towards, everything is blank and weird and not see-able, but I turned my head and by some miracle looked directly at him and he freaked out and looked away.

4. “Oh yeah, make fun of the blind person!” sarcastically, but loudly, somewhere public after a joke a friend had made that I was actually okay with.

5. “Driving and hiking are my two biggest weaknesses,” said out of context to people who didn’t know I was blind.

6. “I forgot you were blind.” “Well I didn’t.” More channeling of Toph, I think.

7. “Why can’t you drive?” *points to cane* *he does not get it* “It’s very illegal for me to drive.” *does not get it* “They’re blind dude,” classmate says. “Very blind.” “You seem to get around just fine,” says the man who only see me indoors with the very best lighting scenario for my vision. “Yeah, but that’s because I have the cane.” “So?” You seem just fine, he seems to think. How dumb are you? I definitely think. “Why do you need the cane?” “Because I would die if I didn’t have it. I have almost died. People would die if I tried to drive.”

8. Later: “Did he think you could just drive and use your cane to feel the road or something?” “I guess.”

9. More questions from other people who don’t know me very well asking why I can’t drive. “Because it’s illegal.” Their confusion is wondering specifically why it’s illegal rather than thinking I’m not actually blind. I explain the laws in the driving handbook, because I have read it (unlike some people I guess. How did you miss the ‘drivers must be able to see at least 20/40 with their best corrected eye” and I haven’t been in that category for two years.

Note: My day blindness came two years before my vision acuity reached visually impaired status. So, like, two years of wishing I had a cane but thinking “I’m not blind enough” and still being terrified in certain situations and risking my life walking around without one or some sighted guide.

Similar Public Things

1. I can see indoors pretty well so I get by on prescription glasses and no cane (I see 20/70 - 20/100 with glasses) but sometimes the mall is crowded and nobody gives me space and I’m just not comfortable getting so close to people, so I bust out my cane (and maybe my sunglasses too) so I look extra blind and people will give me the space to walk without running into someone.

2. Have also done that just because the indoor lights were also too bright and I need my sunglasses.

3. Have stared at my phone in public with cane/sunglasses, or tried taking photos with it, and I get so many weird looks because blind people see nothing I guess, none of us have any vision at all! (read sarcasm)

4. Walking into a coffee shop I’ve been to before and I know they change their teas all the freaking time. Also got the cane. “Hi, can you tell me what iced teas you have right now?” “Oh, they’re all on that sign.” *blank look* Do you not realize I’m blind? I’m thinking. “What kind of black tea do you have? Do you have any tropical black tea?” (because they usually do and I love tropical black tea, and they did that day too, so I ordered that.)

5. I cannot read menus. Those restaurants that have the menus above the register are awful, evil. Cannot read. In the wonderful days of my childhood I didn’t have prescription glasses for my moderately not great but still mostly functional vision (my dad has perfect vision and no concept whatsoever about what it’s like to not be able to see those things!) So imagine my parents dragging me to restaurants like that and I’m 10 years old and supposedly can read perfectly fine but I cannot read that menu and I think it’s some personal character fault of mine that I just don’t know how to read those kinds of menus, so I have to ask my mum to help me choose a food to order and eat, and then that’s the only thing I ever order any time I ever go back. So, I’m quickly getting sick of those places because I only eat one item there and I want to try something new with a restaurant with those nice hand held menus, but those are sit-down restaurants and apparently they cost more money, sooo...

6. That was a rant I went on with my best friend last weekend

Side note: It’s almost 4 am, my mum just woke up, saw the light on in my room from under the crack of my door and said hi. I’m at a point right now where she just expects it and isn’t one to judge (unlike my dad who has zero insomnia because he has hypersomnia and I don’t know how humans do that)

Side Note Ten Minutes Later: My laptop is at 10% but I plugged it in because dammit I am finishing this tonight and it will have all the things.

7. “Hey, where’s the trash can? I can’t find one.” *also mistakes a trashcan and a human being just sitting still. All the time* “Why not just litter then?” best friend asks, knowing exactly how I’ll respond. “I have manners!”

8. I hate traveling even a little by myself. My orientation and mobility skills with my cane aren’t that bad, but they’re not good enough for me to feel comfortable walking around by myself anywhere that isn’t super familiar with routes I already have practiced and memorized (school, close friend’s houses or apartments, the blocks in my neighborhood I’ve walked 500 times coming too and from school or walking dogs with my parents). Anywhere unfamiliar or wide/open or crowded or God Forbid, OUTSIDE is a source of terror and will not let my traveling companions leave me alone for longer than a few minutes and certainly not walk away on my own.

9. Will not go to bars because I present female and I am visibly disabled and that makes me look like an easy target and why would I risk that unnecessarily?

I’m gonna cut it off here. This is a long post, and I need to just finally go to bed. Goodnight. I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to send anons with commentary or reblog with commentary. I’d like to know that someone liked this.

#actually blind #cripple punk #writeblr #blindness #writing community #writeblr and actually blind both feel applicable because this is both a blog about writing and a blog about blindness #and other disability #tw ablism #blind character #why not add that tag too?#it's almost 5 GOODNIGHT

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fencesandfrogs · 2 years ago

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@cacopheny replied to your post “@cacopheny replied to your post “@cacopheny...”:

I don't mind responding <3 hell I want to help if I can. and yes, exactly, your mom was making YOUR issue about HER. when it was your issue and, frankly, as that anon person said, a symptom of your mental illness which is not actually your fault

I do understand where your mom was coming from if she doesn't understand mental illness, but now that you all know the symptoms, I hope she's more understanding! and that many microaggressions towards you are bound to add up into the kind of upset you're having to always talk to your therapist about, y'know?

and even knowing that your mom might be a good person (I only see a sliver of your life, what you post about online, after all) good people make mistakes and react badly to things. just because she might be a good person or even a good mom doesn't mean she didn't do things that were wrong

just want to preface this w something i forgot to mention in the other post which doesn't change things i don't think but i do want to clarify: i've kind of been using good/bad to fit two pretty big camps. it just takes up a lot more time to write out "my mom is a bad mom and/or made some mistakes and/or..." you get the idea.

altho honestly i have a tendency for black and white thinking with her so like. it's not that simple.

when it was ... a symptom of your mental illness which is not actually your fault

hm see i'm not sure if i agree with that? i kind of froze up last time i thought about this but like. urgh. let me try to convert the emotional tangle to words. it's not my fault but it is my responsibility which means if something happens because of it i take responsibility and in cases we're discussing fault.

like let's say i'm babysitting two kids and one pushes the other off a swing. it's not my fault that the kid was pushed off because i didn't do it, but they're my responsibility and so if the kid got hurt, i take the blame for that.

and i dunno my mom has always told me that forgetting wasn't an excuse. and ig growing up i assumed there had to be something i could do to remember better, and there was! it's adhd medication.

yeah idk. if someone could expand on this that would be nice because i'm really not getting this one.

I do understand where your mom was coming from if she doesn't understand mental illness

this one i struggle with because like...i dunno i feel like she should have been? or no i don't. i don't know.

okay, facts:

my mom is a primary care physician. that means she does things like mental health screenings for patients.

my mom is the reason i was treated for depression starting when i was ten. she recognized the signs.

i know my mom got me diagnosed with adhd and fought for me in 504 meetings. i don't remember how that started. i have the feeling that i had to fight for it but i don't actually remember.

i grew up telling my mom i didn't know why i did something or i couldn't remember something and she always told me that wasn't an acceptable answer.

i feel guilty for saying she should have known. but adhd runs in our family. i...don't know.

something abt this is bugging me but i can't tell what. i have a lot of pent up frustration that our conversations about this now are her telling me she couldn't have known when i told her "i can't remember" or "i don't know" a lot.

one thing my emdr therapist said was that a lot of kids don't know why they do things.

okay okay i think i did this one for myself. you said, "your mom was making YOUR issue about HER." my mom took my answers and assumed i was lying, trying to get out of consequences or feign sympathy or make up excuses or whatever.

eg i forgot to give her the parent teacher conference slip thingy once and my teacher had to email her and she got really mad at me because it would look like she was the kind of mother who didn't care and didn't want to schedule a conference, plus she has to request time off work early so she can't just drop in for an afternoon. i felt really bad about it! but she assumed i didn't feel bad because if i cared i would have turned it in.

so in that case i made a mistake, and even ignoring any surrounding context, she made a mistake i made personal, about her, even though it wasn't, and i felt bad. and this isn't a way she was supposed to react.

i feel so proud of me i can't wait to tell my therapist about this.

just because she might be a good person or even a good mom doesn't mean she didn't do things that were wrong

sigh and THIS is something i really struggle with. let me see if i can find the quote from one of my other posts abt this.

i can’t win! you can’t find a middle ground between the impossible perfection i’m supposed to believe in & the ragehurtpain that claws at me until i feel it over my lungs. they’re too much to contain.

that whole post feels kinda weird to me now? like hahaha i don't know i'm not trying to find a middle ground i'm trying to understand everyone telling me she's not perfect. like i know i've been focusing on good/bad and i've been slowly chewing over specific incidents, but like...

i dunno it just doesn't gel that she could be a good mother AND make mistakes, and i've covered how the math always works out to "she's a good mom" when i do it.

i've got that itchy feeling that i'm missing something.

urgh okay it's bedtime for sleepy matthews (well...it's start going to bedtime for sleepy matthews), so thank you cacopheny and everyone else who talked to me about this. it's all appreciated. depending on how i'm feeling in the morning, i may or may not respond to stuff, but i do read everything y'all say on these posts and appreciate the input.

#mine #cacopheny #reply #disorderposting #commentary welcome

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forget-me-knots-behind-our-eyes · 3 years ago

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I’m putting this here as my brain is refusing to let me move on with my morning until I say shit and my private journal isn’t helping right now.

TW for generally abusive parents, mentions of suicide, and probably more that I just can’t think of right now.

I don’t know my parent’s version of events and I probably will never know, I’ve pretty much decided against talking to either of them ever again. When I was very little (less than 6), we lived in a few little suburbs in Chicago. The last one we lived in was your stereotypical, white picket fence, doctor and lawyer neighborhood, complete with a chandelier house. The first house I remember living in, I had a terrible dream about an “evil cat lady” that tore out my baby brother’s eyes and killed the rest of my family. The dream terrorized me for a full week before I stopped dreaming altogether. The woman looked distinctly like my mother, but I have left that out of every single retelling I have ever had.

My mother was a stay-at-home mom during that time, and she spent a good portion of her time with me showing me how to be booksmart and get A’s in school while also telling me exactly how to care for a baby and cook and clean. This started when I was 3. My first ever F was on a spelling test in first grade and I remember bringing it home and thinking nothing of it, after all, it was just a letter. I remember getting relentlessly spanked and from then on I was required to write my spelling words 10 times each and an extra 10 times for every misspelling. I didn’t find out I had dyslexia until I was in college.

My dad lost his job due to his work cutting his department and on his way out, he shared information with the company that was hiring him, which sparked an entire court case and ended with him being blacklisted in Chicago. I don’t know if this is when he started drinking heavily or if it was before. My mother claims he was drinking excessively long before she met him and my brother has said that my dad’s new girlfriend (T) was told that dad started drinking because he couldn’t deal with my mother.

My mom managed to find a job in NY, working at a nuclear power station and she found my dad a job at the same plant. So we moved north to live near my grandparents so they could watch us during the day while my dad worked. The commute was over an hour one way. This was one of the few times I could not be a mother to my three siblings as grandma was there to do it for me. I do know my dad was drinking heavily at this point and there were a few times I had to stand up for my siblings so they wouldn’t get beaten.

On one occasion, we had taken some photos with a disposable camera. My dad went to have them exposed so we could see the photos. Apparently, some of them were revealing (I think it was a butt). Obviously, we should have known that doing so could have my parents thrown in jail and we deserved to be beaten for that. (sarcasm) I’m not sure about other adults, but when you hear a child crying and saying “no don’t hurt him hurt me instead” the thought should be “wait, that’s fucked up” not “okay, I’ll hurt you both.”

We later moved to a nicer house, closer to our parent’s work. I was told to help out the babysitter as she wouldn’t know what to do and they just needed her there because I couldn’t drive. I was 10. I cooked, I cleaned, I did first aid when the babysitter cut off the tip of her thumb, I did my homework, I looked after my siblings and made sure they stayed out of the way and did their work. Since it was usually just my dad, we could just hide and we’d be fine during his drunk escapades. My mother would come and find us if she didn’t have my dad to scream at.

10 years old and I had the responsibilities of an adult. And then our school decided to tell us about drug use and suicide. I didn’t even think suicide was an option. I knew hurting myself made my brain feel better, physical pain was easier than emotional and I was careful so that no one would ever see or be able to tell. Suicide was an entirely new concept. And fucked up 11 year-old me decided it was a good idea. I tried, I survived, and I was alone. The only reason I am still here is because my baby sister would have been the one to find me and I couldn’t stand the idea of her handling what I was handling. I told my mom about it years later and she told me I was an ungrateful bitch and that she was suicidal too and had picked a corner to crash her car into.

I only have snapshots, most everything prior to college is a complete blank. It is blocked out and I am not sure I want it back.

We moved again. And again. New house same bullshit. I started high school. I was alone most afternoons as I went to a public school and my siblings went to a private Catholic school. My parents, mostly my mother, kept trying to force me to conform with religion. It was something I’d been dealing with my whole life and I had learned to just roll with it and say what they wanted to hear.

One sunday, my mother gets into her head that Jesus was telling her to send her kids to this private Catholic school 45min away that she saw a billboard for. She had promised me I could stay at the same school for all of high school. I was making friends for once. I was doing sports and enjoying it. I wanted to be left the fuck alone. Saturdays were my rest days and Sundays were the days I finished up any leftover homework. I had a paper due. She knew this. She agreed to let me stay home to finish it before we went to church. Afterward, she demanded that I go to the open house with them. That Jesus told her I had to go. There was no other option for me. She said I hadn’t told her anything and she hadn’t promised anything.

I finish High School at the Catholic one. Spend the last 2 years in an abusive relationship then getting shunned by the school because he was one of the popular kids and the friends I had made stopped talking to me because I wasn’t gay. (I’m bi and apparently that didn’t fucking count) My one friend left is my spouse now and I love them to pieces, but I still regret attending that school.

I go to college and the family fucking falls apart. No one knew what to do without me. My dad started going after my siblings more, as did my mom. I came back one summer and said I was going to a party. I was 20 at the time and they said okay, let us know when and where. I told them both. I wrote it on the whiteboard we kept in the kitchen. I reminded them of it every damn day. Day of the party, my mother is out of town and my dad is alone with my siblings. He can’t remember or read the board and interrogates and threatens them. Calls my mom freaking out. Does not text me even once.

A relative I cared for died and I wasn’t told until after the funeral. My brother became suicidal and I didn’t find out until after they institutionalized him. My parents started divorce proceedings and I wasn’t told until they were halfway through it.

I stopped talking to my dad after I finally moved all the way out. I had planned to stop talking to my mom as soon as I had my own phone. But then she started going to therapy and taking her meds. She was doing well, so I stayed in touch. She was acting like a mom for once. She had boasted for years about her hitting us to stay in line and that she really only needed to slap me once for mouthing off. She had complained for years that she never wanted kids.

This past year, she complained more about having kids, and how she was horny and wasn’t fully attracted to the men she was dating. She either didn’t like their mind or didn’t like their body and couldn’t do even a one-night stand if it wasn’t the full package. Well she met Rick a month ago. He’s basically my dad. None of us like him. She’s relapsed into the person she used to be. She got into a fight with my brother and told him that she didn’t care if all of her children left her as long as one person still loved her. She said this in front of my sister who is 15. Who was taken off of her anxiety, depression, and adhd meds because “she didn’t need them” after she forgot to take them for a week and “seemed fine.”

On our vacation a couple of weeks ago, my sister was being a typical 15 year old and my brother was a typical 18 year old and she snapped at my sister. I had told my brother (I have 2 the other is 20 and was the one having the fight) and he told my mom that the reason I had told her to calm down was that she snapped at her and was being a bitch about normal 15 year old behavior. My mother then turned to my sister, who clearly wanted to run away and said “I didn’t snap at you. Right? “ and then didn’t listen when she said kinda.

My brother was kicked out of the house at the end of the night. She texted my dad saying she was concerned for her safety and had thought about calling the cops. She wouldn’t let him pick up his stuff unless she was there. He had to send my sister. She now won’t let my sister get her stuff unless she goes alone. My dad, who was always a violent drunk, is the safer option right now.

I trust my brother and he says dad ha sobered up and is doing better. The depiction my brother paints of him is the exact opposite of what my mother says he’s been doing. Apparently my dad is being a dad for once. He apparently wanted to reach out and apologize to me, but didn’t because my brothers told him I was still pissed.

My mother, on the other hand, has left guilt-trippy messages, and tried to message me in ways to get me to respond to her. (Voicemail : Hey just wanted to see how you were doing since I haven’t heard form you in a while and wanted to make sure you were okay. (She had previously said that she wasn’t going to talk to me until I apologized for telling her to calm down after she snapped at my sister) Apparently I have been put on the “do not talk to” list. Don’t know how I got there. If you’re not answering I guess that’s true. (She called me on my busiest night, I wouldn’t have answered anyway) I love you.) A snapchat of “Hey are you okay?” and finally a text of “Do you want me to mail you the dollhouse” (Which was made by my dead Popo).

I’ve decided not responding is better for my mental health since nothing I say will change the outcome of this scenario or undo the damage that she had done. Talking to her will only make it worse. I’m just a bit disappointed that it came to this. But, she always said she never wanted kids. Now she doesn’t.

#rin rambles #venting #just needed to get this out

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softgaychild · 3 years ago

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Not my aunt trying to justify her yelling at me with “PrOcRaStInAtInG iN rEaL lIfE cAn MaKe YoU mIsS oUt On ImPoRtAnT sTuFf” like ma’am, you yelled at me because I forgot to put clothes on a fucking list, not because it was something genuinely important. It was clothes. For a trip. And clothes that in all reality, I technically do not need. I have swimming trunks. I have beach clothes(or just clothes i could wear to the beach) Your yelling wasn’t needed in any way shape or form. My ass was so ready to roll my eyes at her when she started saying that because like it’s always the same shit. “You’re gonna miss out on opportunites.” “That won’t be tolerated in the working world” “You could lose XYZ from this” “Your XYZ prevent XYZ opportunity from happening” Like woman bring that shit up during the school year when the fucking environment around me is actively preparing me for that shit, not when our asses are going on a fucking vacation. Like you bring up asking for/about applying to a place, during a time when I’m supposed to be relaxing from the stresses of school. You bring up working right after school ends and you know that shit was not the easiest. You need to lose that condescending fucking attitude you have towards my mother because I may never show that shit, but you piss me off whenever you talk about her to me. This woman irritates the fuck outta me sometimes I swear. And this isn’t even me just complaining just to complain. I understand the fact that “I’m in the 12th grade and should be preparing for life after school, but at the same time, your ass ignores my fears and problems with that coming era DESPITE the fact that you have seen it effect me firsthand, AND we have had endless conversations about “oh how are you feeling about this/that/the third” and yet you still persist on teaching me the future like I’m your biological twin children. News Flash: I AM NOT LIKE THEM. THEY were presented with the wild and difficult processes of applying to colleges and even preparing for the bullshit. I did not think of that shit until I moved in, and you forced it on my ass right then and there like I had a fucking clue. THEY had time to adjust to the thoughts of careers after high school. My ass only solidified on that in the middle of 9th grade. THEY aren’t neurodivergent and constantly suffer from thoughts that obstruct them from focusing on basic tasks or allowing them to do anything without losing track of every other thing they do. I probably do, but the first fucking time I brought that shit up to you, as a high fucking possibility, especially considering your ass said in a conversation that mom mom grew up with ADHD, you brushed it off as, “eVeRyOnE dEaLs WiTh ThAt”, like no bitch, I have several friends who are literal PROOF that they don’t deal with that shit and can function flawlessly, and instead you sign me up with a therapist, who is essentially at this point monthly moral support from a professional source. And she wonders why I continue to hide shit from her. Because no matter what, her ass always seems to work around my problems in the worst fucking way just to push her way of doing shit, which has rarely worked for me without me needing to add or change around certain things. And this isn’t even addressing her ideology of “You will be successful regardless” which is not a bad ideology, if it wasn’t for the fact that it freaks me the fuck out as well as scaring the shit out of me because it sets an invisible standard that I, at this point, am constantly questioning if I could ever reach because of existential crisises that I have on a somewhat daily basis. Like I told her “hey that ideology makes me uncomfortable because it makes me fear about the future, which i already do, and adding to it is making me not really like you saying that” and her response was essentially trying to put it in a better light and not address the fact that I am scared of what comes next in life and try and sweep my concern under the rug. Man I do not like venting like this about her but unfortunately her takes on shit be absolutely abysmal.

#rant #vent

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illnessfaker · 4 years ago

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that post was inspired by someone on twitter saying "sometimes adhd is misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder, especially in women" in response to something i posted abt me previously experiencing what seemed like hypomonia and only ever experiencing it again while taking adhd meds.

and i'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt w/ her maybe bringing up the woman thing "just in case" i identified as a woman at all since i only had they/them and no other gender info in my twitter bio (i responded to her politely btw) or maybe as something informative but my first thought was her assuming i was cafab and therefore i was "raised as a girl" and therefore had adhd misdiagnosed as bipolar II.

which, that's not even true in my case. i told her (nicely) that i was first diagnosed with adhd at 8 years old because my mom got me and my siblings neuropsych evals (we all were diagnosed with adhd lol). i wasn't aware of this at the time because my mom legitimately forgot since my symptoms didn't disrupt my schooling much unlike my older brother (the funny thing is i had self-diagnosed as adhd before i knew that), but even then it still doesn't apply because when i was diagnosed with bipolar II, i was diagnosed with adhd (again) at the same time, by the same clinician. i've been diagnosed with adhd 3 times because i got diagnosed with it again after i was re-evaluated for bipolar II (and it was changed to r/o).

anyway i didn't have a girlhood i had an objecthood. thanks for coming to my ted talk

having someone act like my childhood was a "girlhood" feels like getting told i wasn't abused lol like no i wasn't a girl. i wasn't allowed to be one and even when with my parents insisting i was one it didn't fucking work. i wasn't a girl and i wasn't a person. fuck you

#personal #no reblogs -

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analienanimeaficionado · 6 years ago

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Holy moly! I think I have ADHD & it makes a FUCK-TON of sense!

So more and more I have been realizing that I show a lot of signs of having ADHD. I am a college student now, but I've gone through life as a "gifted" kid. I grew up being known as a really quiet and smart kid at school, the spacey friend, and my mom's hyperactive middle child. At school I was always treated as a good example to other students because I would quickly do my school work and be quiet. I look back and yeah I would finish my assignments quickly because I thought they were too easy and then I'd just space out til we had to do something else. I forgot what I was doing recently, but my mom jokingly stated "and that's why they had you tested for adhd as a kid". I was like wtf? I didn't know that. I've been thinking more and more that I have had ADHD my whole life and it just makes so much sense. I'm a 21 yr old woman and I find it really difficult to find motivation, and I am constantly over thinking ALL THE TIME. I am doing research and have a bunch of assignments for other classes that are always due (being a college senior is wack), BUT I JUST CAN'T FOCUS and just kinda sit in my head and worry about all of my responsibilities. I was thinking I had some form of depression or anxiety, but I have friends with depression and anxiety and while what I'm experiencing may seem similar, I can see I am dealing with something a little different. I also realize if things are too simple or easy I get frustrated and finish them quickly and will push myself to do more, or won't do them at all. So I'm either on a "too unmotivated to do diddly squat" mode or a "go ham up in this bitch" mode. I also get really irritated with noises like clocks ticking, breathing, and chewing. I can't multitask worth a shit and have trouble actually retaining info from things I just read and have to reread things like scientific papers a lot. I have always been told I "have a bad habbit" of interrupting people (especially by my older sister who is a teacher and treats me like a child in her 4th grade classroom when I unconsciously do it without thinking). It wasn't until my mom jokingly made that comment that I decided to look up information regarding ADHD, and lemme tell ya, it makes a h*ck of a lot of sense.

#im just thinking #it all makes sense #so now what #lol #personal #long post #adhd #mental health #positive mental attitude #analienanimeaficionado #woke

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vvorldatlarge · 7 years ago

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story from 5/17/17

I’m going to scatter notable anecdotes throughout summer like I said, so here’s one that I meant to tell but was too lazy to type up.

I (chris traeger voice) LIT-era-lly have no idea how I write this fucking much. I don’t need all of it where does it come from , . It’s good in academics, it’s what earned me the language arts and reading awards at graduation among other things, but when I want to convey a simple fufkcing point or tell a story it’s Hell. I do this to L too, guys. I want to say ONE FUCKIN GNF THING to L in an email and he ends up with 5 paragraphs of me rambling in his inbox. Save me

On that day i went to this after school event hosted every year by mainly L and whoever else is the 7th grade Geography teacher in the school (last year, it was only him, but this year there’s one other teacher) called Multi-Cultural Night. Basically, a group of 1-3 kids choose or are assigned a country other than Britain, the US, and Canada, and they have to do a research paper, a poster, and make a cultural dish from that country to bring in to Multi-Cultural Night. Last year when I had to do it, I chose the Philippines because I’m half Filipino. Basically, just imagine a cafeteria FULL of free samples at every table from different cultures. Just thinking about the amount of food that was there brings me to tears. I wanted to go not just to see L, but to eat food and… read the posters. (but that’s kind of a side thing.) When I went, I just had my parents drop me off, so I was kind of alone and the entire time I basically just hung around Miss. Z and one of my friends that had to go because his brother was in 7th. As I entered the room, I immediately tried to look for L, and did find him but couldn’t get him to notice me so I could wave or say hi, so I dropped it until later, when I was heading towards a table to snatch a sample and he greeted me and was like “what’s the best food you’ve had so far?” Okay. Good. The conversation that I’ve been waiting for. What was my response? “I- uhm, well… oh gosh. I forgot.” He nodded and I could not deal. I had to save the short conversation. “BUT it’s all been really good so far!! Ha.. .ha.. .. , , I’m really enjoying it!” Can’t remember exactly, he said “good! C:” and probably did a little thumbs up and then walked off. It still made me happy that I got to talk to him, but the words “why am i such a fucking social failure” probably crossed my mind afterwards. I also decided that for the rest of the night, I would actually remember what country each sample came from. Like I said before, I spent the rest of the night trailing behind Miss. Z and eating. So much food. It was all so good. I still get emotional thinking about it. I want to show up next year. I think I will. I’ll be like an NPC character in a game series that reappears in every single fucking game even though they serve no purpose to the plot and everyone just accepts they’re immortal. Except I won’t be immortal. I’ll just be eating and only getting older by a year every time.

|||| I also kept sneaking glances at L while eating. If I saw him walking by I wouldn’t be obvious but I’d still stand alert and not look like a fool while eating (which is difficult considering I’m myself). At the same time, though, I’d completely avoid him. It’s fucking weird. Is it a thing connected with social anxiety or general awkwardness to want to see someone, but absolutely avoid them at the same time? Probably. You don’t want to embarrass yourself, so if you really like someone or look up to them you minimize the chance of an embarrassing situation as much as possible. That’s my guess. Makes sense to me. One time, I was hovering near Miss. Z and L walked towards her and started talking, and I quickly finished eating and awkwardly stood around and kinda.. shifted behind her. She noticed as he was doing something else momentarily and she just laughed at me. He then walked away to somewhere behind me and I did that blatant (i did not mean it to be that blatant) glance at him behind his back, not necessarily at his ass (oh dear.. Did i look at his ass and was it obvious? That’s worse. I forgot if I did.) but just at him in general and Miss. Z made an amused sound and clearly noticed. Before I could say anything, someone else talked to her for a little bit and after they left I asked her, “why did you make that sound…?” W, you fool, you knew why she made that sound. She just said “nothing…. Nothing at all…” in a certain voice. I know to some that sounds made-up, but she does that on purpose when she caught you doing something amusing or something you wouldn’t want her to know. (as long as it’s not like. Bad. and she understands it seems that me liking him is harmless as long as I don’t make it get out of hand and have it threaten his career) Like. Scandalous. Essentially, the equivalent of when in certain fanfiction a character knows someone has the hots for another person but acts like they don’t.

|||| Later, after Miss.Z left and I was waiting for my dad to come and pick me up, I was stalling before I actually went and stood outside for my dad because I wanted the right opportunity to say bye to him, so I waiting by the door, which was next to the table that sold the recipe books of the night and water. Because it was fucking hot. I bought a recipe book as soon as I walked in, and I was holding it along with my phone and L noticed me and was like “Did ya’ buy a book yet, W?”. Which confused me. I was literally holding it.. In my hands…??? But you can’t really count on L being too observant (not to be mean, he’s really smart, it’s just he seems to get caught in his thoughts a lot. A lot. He also has a low attention span, is kinda all over the place, fidgets. Trying to stay away from talking about something I don’t have, but to give you an idea, he’s actually mentioned in class that he thinks he has ADHD. Not jokingly. (it’s shitty to joke about anyways js) anyone with ADHD please tell me if I just said something off as a side note) so I guess. But, I said, “Yea” and held it out and he nodded and continued cleaning up the table. I retreated to my spot right next to the door, and checked my phone, and my fuckass dropped it on the floor and he was like “😲W!!!!” (the samsung version of that emoji conveys it better) all jokingly alarmed and that was adorable. But embarrassing. The phone case came off and so did the battery. Or whatever it was. It’s a samsung phone. I think. I’m more of a tablet person idk. It’s actually not my phone. I borrowed it from my mom. The phone came out okay.

|||| Eventually, I figured I needed to stand outside and not spend too much time pointlessly lingering, so I decided to face my fears and walk up to him and actually get his attention directly to say hi. Which took more effort than I thought and kind of killed me because the more I spend talking to people, esp. L, the more energy that leaves me. I said his name once to get his attention and he didn’t notice me, right there, and I repeated it like.. 2 more times and he finally turned to me and I just, now more awkward than before, said “cya” and he was like “oh! C: cya” and I left. Welp. Shit. Also, I found out that night that Miss. Z sent L the history videos by Bill Wurtz-- “the history of the world, I guess” video and the “history of japan” video, which is all I ever needed to know in life. I never brought it up and found out if he watched the latter but Miss. Z told me he watched the former and found it hilarious. Those videos are honestly what I’d expect his train of thought to be like except 10x dorkier (eugh.. Hate calling a real person that when I don’t know them really really well.. It’s weird...) and silly.

WHY DO I RAMBLE TOO MCUH THAT DID NOT NEED TO BE A GODDAMNED ESSAY WHY AM I LIKE THIS

#ramblings #w/e my dudes if anyone reads it I hope you found it worth being read lol #teacher crush community #teacher crush

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mdixonjm · 6 years ago

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“Honey! Are you going to wake him?”

“Nope. Let him sleep. He had a full day in the pool. That’s what happens when you spend so much time in water. The best way to get a child to sleep early, during Summer, is to just carry them to the beach or pool.”

“It worked with me. Sleep always came quickly after swimming all day.”

“That’s nice but the snoring is a bit much”, came my wife’s response.

“Well all of us snore dear, even you.”

“I do not sound like that!”

I smiled.

That was one bullet I intended to dodge.

My eyes glanced over at the lanky suntanned preteen slumped over the throw cushions on the sofa. For a few minutes I stared at him. It felt surreal that I was a stepdad. A father of a son that God had given to me. My grandmother always said that ‘you cannot purchase a cow and not take the calf’. As usual she never explained her parables. Now I was living this reality. Finally, my thick scull understood her simple farmers aphorism. It meant, ‘if you fall in love with a someone and there are kids involved, you had better love and care for them too’. You cannot love one and neglect the other. It’s a packaged deal. Be thankful for what God has given and embrace it.

“I am a father”, I thought, “A father of one.”

More is on the way. In time God will add to our numbers. Right now we are just trying to survive this experience (DWL!).

I could not help but reflect on the faithfulness of God. The Lord has fulfilled His word. I left empty but He’s made me full. I felt like Mara (Naomi) who had left Moab in bitterness having lost everything but when she returned to the place of promise God gave her back what was lost and her good name. God wiped out her death and restored her family heritage. For a long time, I too was bitter in my spirit. As I walked with God He stripped everything from me. Job, career, family, possessions and moved me from my homeland. I fought the Lord for a while but I eventually learnt obedience in the wilderness. When He said, “Go!” I went.

As I walked with Him I kept looking back. My heart longed for what I had left behind. As God proved that He was faithful, I begun letting go of the past and embracing the glorious future that laid ahead.

In June 2012 I was in a long period of fasting when I had the strangest dream. It puzzled me for a very long time. Was it a revelation of the future? I could not understand what it meant. When I questioned the Lord He was silent. As time went on I forgot about the vision. Last night the Holy Spirit brought it back to my memory.

In the dream I walked into a kindergarten classroom. The teacher stood at the head of the room. I greeted her and asked for my son. She turned and called to a little boy. He was kneeling and playing with toys. His back was turned to us.

“Your father is here.”

He turned and ran to me. I smiled at him and took his hand. Then we walked out of the classroom.

Although God has showed me that vision, embracing the role of father did not come easy. I had to learn how to be a father. My background did not prepare me for this role. I grew up without my father around. He was physically and verbally abusive. When he left in 1980 I was happy. We had peace. Mom struggle with us. Times were very hard at time but we made it through. I always told myself that I would not have a child until I was capable of providing for him. Opportunities came up for me to be married and have a child on several occasions but I always backed out once I saw what was coming. It wasn’t only the fact that I was struggling with my sexuality at that time. Financial struggles also made me decide to postpone fatherhood.

God in His wisdom changed that. The boy that laid before me on the sofa was turning into a man. I realised that I was the man in his life. He needed to have a good male model and mentor. God had chosen me to be that person. Every stain of the past had to be removed. For his sake I had to let go of my preconceived notions and strive to a good father. There are some important things that I could teach him like his identity and standing up to bullies. He would also teach me how to be patient, nurture and truly love unconditionally.

When I arrived in New York in September 2012 I had no idea that our worlds would collide. One Sunday I and my cousin, Minister Moses O’Brien, were ministering prophetically to the people. The Lord had us call out the boy. Just six years old at the time. We prophesied over him, laid hands on him and poured olive oil in his mouth. From that day his tongue was loosened. Teachers were amazed at how his speech was changing. What years of working with speech therapists had not solved was being miraculously changed by the Living God.

I left and went on my journeys. God knew how broken I was from the lack of a father in my life, so He sent me to Fort Lauderdale, Florida to be with my cousin, Apostle Clive O’Brien and his family. Although, I did not know it. I was being give the opportunity to observe and learn how to love my wife and family as Christ loves the church.

Then in September 2015 God sent me back to New York. I was told to put aside three months just for working with him. I had worked with children before but never one that had a challenge learning. I was out of my depths but I resorted to allow the Lord to lead me. Each day I went to the Lord and asked Him for guidance with what to do. The Holy Spirit told me what environment to set. Each study time was to begin with worship, reading of the Bible and prayer then a fun environment was to be set for learning. Making it fun was definitely a struggle. My heart was heavy with the bitterness of past losses. Numerous promises from God were within sight but I could not see. My eyes were blinded by regrets and undiscarded memories.

As I prayed, the Lord made one promise to me. Within two weeks He would perform a miracle with the child. I didn’t know what it would be but I believed. The day the Lord spoke to me he received information for the Annual Spelling Bee Competition. I decided to try him out for the competition. So far he showed an uncanny ability to spell. Once he saw a word, it was locked in his memory. On the way from school we would practise as we waited on the bus or at home. I decided not to pressure him but to make it fun. Mom was game and helped every step of the way. On the day of the competition, I was blown away with the result.

The child who was in the special needs class was the Spelling Bee champion for his entire grade.

Career Day at Kindergarten

Easter Sunday 2012

Meeting the Family

Ring Bearer at Aunty Kedetha and Uncle Lincoln’s wedding

Grade 4 Spelling Bee Champion

Celebrating our Wedding March 2018

Now he’s in Georgia. God uprooted the family. The change has been good. The shy boy is becoming very assertive and improving daily in school. Many times he’s had perfect scores on his exams.

God has been answering our prayers. He is a walking miracle. Sparks of genius is unfolding in him. He has an uncanny aptitude with computers and drawing. He can do easily reprogram an electronic device. Drawing also comes easy. Without being taught he could draw anything he wanted. It is hard to imagine that he was a different child while growing up.

His mom had many challenges with him. He had a severe speech impediment and inability to focus for a short period. Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and special needs labels were attached to him. Education experts tried to convince his mom to place him on medication but she refused.

“Nothing is wrong with my child”, she always asserted.

Privately, she cried out to God for a change in her child. Regardless of what the facts showed she held on to the promises of God. What others did not know was that she had a revelation of who he would become. Before he was born God told her his destiny. She was cautioned about how to speak with him. During times of despair she held unto the promise. Without wavering she kept believing God would be faithful to his promise. Years later God sent help.

Conclusion

I have been immensely blessed to be in the life of two amazing people. Our relationship as had highs and lows but I am undaunted. The Lord has entrusted me with a gift. I have had the benefit of numerous people pouring into my life over the years. Mothers always encouraged me. The fathers always seemed too busy to invest time. I will change that. Yesterday, I embraced fatherhood. I am stepdad. I will not attempt to replace the relationship with his father but I will do right by him. I know what it is like to grow up without a father. I will not allow my son to experience the same. As long as there is breath in my body I show him what it means to be a man, husband and father.

Food will satisfy the body. Clothes will adorn it. Activities will inspire. Education will illuminate the mind. Wisdom will bring wealth. A legacy is established by the counsel of a father. – Michael Reginald

How I Became A Father "Honey! Are you going to wake him?" "Nope. Let him sleep. He had a full day in the pool.

#blessings of the Father #Father Abraham #fatherhood #God our Father #marriage by design

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fireandgloryrpg · 7 years ago

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Congratulations Dana and welcome! We’re so happy to accept your application to play Puck Cooper with the faceclaim of Charlie Heaton in Fire & Glory RPG! We can’t wait to begin roleplaying with you so please remember to look over our checklist!

Out of Character Information:

Name: Dana

Pronouns: she/her

Age: i’m 24 and my birthday is April 30th.

Timezone: EST

Activity: I mean right now my activity is about like a 5/10 because of work and the holidays but I’m definitely on once every other day or every three days so it’s fine it’s all fine.

Anything Else?: It’s great to be here amongus you again lmao.

Original Character Application:

Name: Puck Robin Cooper

Age and Birthday: June 1st, 1997. 20 years old.

Faceclaim: main fc: Charlie Heaton Backup fc: Landon Liboiron

Heritage: Puck is a son of Hermes who’s mom named him after the fucking mischief elf from midsummer night’s dream because he is also a “merry wanderer of the night” .

ABILITIES: Puck has all the basic demigod abilities of being super strong, being able to heal faster, and having improved senses. Being a son of Hermes, he can run faster than most of his other demigod friends. Puck is also pretty persuasive when he wants to be but he tries not to persuade people that he actually like into doing things.

Affiliation: Puck is a member of the fifth cohort thanks to his older cousin who is a child of Fortuna vouching for him to the best of her ability. She was about to vouch for him enough to get him into the fifth cohort but that was good enough for Puck since he had a place to live and was still able to wander to the best of his ability.

Headcanons:

Puck lived with his mom in Bridgeport, Connecticut until he was 11 years old and went to Camp Half Blood after being attacked by empousa. Puck was claimed at age 13 by Hermes and one of his friends made a joke about how that explained why all of his candy had gone missing a few weeks previously. Puck remained at CHB until age 16 when the travel bug hit him and he left CHB without telling anyone. A few weeks later, he managed to get in touch with his mother and she begged him to go somewhere that would be safe for him so he took his things and headed to find New Rome where his first cousing was living as she had offered to his mother that she would take the teen in and keep him safe.

Puck is someone who can be very persuasive without making people do things for him. He’s not one to beg someone to do something for him, but he is one of those people who can say “wow it would be really great if you could give me some of your lunch” in a tone that would make you want to give it to him. There’s, of course, the option to say yes or no unlike if someone is effected by charmspeak. This is part of why Puck is so quiet.

Biography:

Puck Robin Cooper was born to Olivia Cooper on June 1, 1997. He was born nine months after Olivia had taken an end of summer vacation with some of her friends to Puerto Rico and just happened to meet up with another tourist. She had no way of knowing that he was a Greek god at the time and even if she did, she probably would have hooked up with him anyway because that’s just how she was at the age of 20 with no responsibilities. Puck was one of those children who had “sticky fingers” from a young age; occasionally leaving a store with a candy bar that his mom didn’t even notice he had until they were already in the car on the way home.

That didn’t stop Puck’s mother from spoiling him to the best of her ability even though the two of them weren’t really that well off. When he went to Camp Half Blood, it was one of the happiest days of his life. Sure, he loved his mother more than anything but he wanted to go to summer camp and if it was somewhere that he wouldn’t get made fun of for his ADHD or get in to much trouble for taking candy, then that was on of the best things for him in his point of view. Imagine the weight off of his chest when he was claimed two years later. Finding out that his father was Hermes meant that there was nothing wrong with him when it came to his compulsion to steal little things. It wasn’t exactly the most normal thing either, but he still had siblings and other people he could ask for advice on how he could handle his compulsions.

Wanderlust was something that hit him harder than he could ever imagine and again it was something that he could blame on his father. The fact that he got attacked by another empousa? Totally his father’s fault and not his own for leaving the safety of Camp Half Blood without telling anyone about it. He’d heard about New Rome and Camp Jupiter before and he wasn’t too thrilled to go there to live with some cousin that he’d met all of two times in 16 years of living. Much to his surprise, he found his cousin to be entirely welcoming compared to some of the horror stories he’d heard from older campers at Camp Half Blood. In fact, a lot of people were.

Since coming to Camp Jupiter, Puck has done a pretty good job of keeping his head down and making only a few close friends. He’s usually seen as being quiet and reserved but he won’t hesitate to speak up if something happens to someone that he cares about.

Para Sample:

When Puck had called his mom from an old payphone in Massachusetts, the last thing he expected her to do was to send him off somewhere far away from home. It didn’t calm him down anymore to find out that the person she was sending him to was a cousin who barely made contact with the family only to find out that she was a Roman demigod all along. But much to his surprise, she was more than excited to welcome her younger cousin into her home.

His cousin had told him exactly where to go but she hadn’t warned him that people would be standing guard around it. Just his luck too, since he was being chased by a few of those dreadful things that had almost killed him the first time he’d ever seen a monster. Empousai. Just the thought of the name made him want to shudder but there was no time for that. He almost didn’t see the two other people coming until he heard the girl shout something about Edward Cullen.

Puck had heard a lot about Romans in his time at Camp Half Blood and that was the last thing he expected. The next thing he heard fit right in line, however. “Go back to where you came from, stupid graecus,” the man said just loud enough for Puck to hear, Clearly it was some poor attempt at a jab and Puck just gritted his teeth as he dodged another swipe at his head.

“You know what? As much as I would love to stay and chat, I really don’t feel like becoming a gyro for some fucking monster if you don’t mind,” he snapped right back. To his annoyance, the other demigod kept firing insults at him as he watched, struggling internally about whether to help the girl or keep up the arguing.

One particularly annoying comment about how he was the reason the monsters were attacking really got to him and Puck, for once, fired back in a loud voice. “Oh sorry! I forgot that I totally meant this to happen,” he stopped as other Roman spoke and caught his attention. Shooting a glare at the other young man, he pulled out his celestial bronze sword and raised his middle finger to the other. “At least where I come from, we don’t let someone fight on their own because we want to be petty.”

With a roll of his eyes and a few quick steps, Puck was quick enough to block an attack coming at the girl from another angle while the other monster kept her distracted. “Listen up, Twilight, I think your popularity has really run it’s course.” He was relieved at how easy the rest of the fight seemed to be with him actually having back-up. That didn’t mean that the others were going to forget about him being a Greek or anything right away anyway, that was pretty clear from what the guy said in a low voice. Puck couldn’t help but complain as he shuffled along behind the two Romans. “Don’t be an asshole. Please, just let me in? I’m hungry and tired and I was almost vampire dinner.” You would think that would earn him a little sympathy, but apparently he’d overestimated the humanity of the other man.

He stopped dead in his tracks when the girl cut off the asshole who seemed to hate him so much already. “What’s your name, Speedy?”

His heart lept a litte at the nickname and he couldn’t keep himself from smiling a little bit as he introduced himself, “Puck.”

“Cool . I’m Celia.”

Celia.

#puck cooper #accepted

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kairi1333 · 8 years ago

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Confessions

A little over a year ago right after my sister passed I was not doing well. Anyone that knows me knows I don’t like to ask for help because it fills me with guilt because the environment I grew up in. I decided to get help. Shortly after I was diagnosed with Bpd. Honestly it wasn’t the first time I was told I had it. I remember doctor Suarez at C.A.G (a residential treatment center I was in for a year during my 3rd run with cps) I remember being fifteen and looking at her like she was crazy. I thought it was similar to having multiple personalities so I blew her off and pretty much forgot about it. But the second time after my sister died I actually looked into it. Everything I read made me cry for the most part I recognized all the symptoms in myself and I read all the awful things people had to say about people with Bpd. It was heartbreaking I seriously felt like a monster and I sat there and thought about ways I may have unintentionally hurt people I cared about. I told one of my friends at first. As I read more on it (I some how managed to miss all the good post) I came across an article about moodswings caused by adults having adhd left untreated. I had just read a woman’s article on getting ptsd from being in a relationship with someone who has Bpd. I was so ashamed of my illness and afraid of my close friends seeing me as a monster I decided to lie. I went back and told my friend guess what I was misdiagnosed I told her I have adhd ontop of my depression and anxiety. I thought maybe that if I lied and kept a distance from everything and everyone It would be ok. I was so afraid of hurting my loved ones, being seen as a monster, being that friend that’s to exhausting to be around I hid it from everyone and just started becoming more of a recluse and even swore off dating cause I could never ask someone to deal with this even I find myself exhausting. Shortly after I started seeing a specialist in Bpd and DBT. As I began DBT I soon totalled my car and no longer could go because it was on the other side of town and taking uber or lyft was too much and I’m terrified of the VIA bus. So I began an online Dbt I felt like I was making progress I joined a soft ball team I slowly started going out I was doing so well. But then some really fucked up shit happened with my bio mother and right around that time my life time fp of all fps came back into my life. I was on cloud nine she would text me frequently and it was amazing it was the first time in a long time that I thought maybe I am not to exhausting to be loved maybe I to even with all this shit deserved to be loved ( like an idiot I thought her being back in my life was a sign) but like all good things in my life this did not last. (She doesn’t know she’s my fp or about the Bpd I’ve only told her about my anxiety and depression) My Bpd seemed like it was going into over drive with everything it ended with me feeling the need to push everything and everyone away. One friend blows me off everytime I try to hang out and proceeds to explain how she can only stand certain friends and people for so long so she does this and this( the whole time I am sitting there listening to her explanation and thinking of everytime shes done that to me and my minds telling me I’m the exhausting friend that’s why she doesn’t come around she hates me. No wonder she needs to meet new friends and is replacing you. But can you honestly blame her imagine if she really knew how exhausting you were she would leave she’d never talk to you again you’re toxic you should cut her out before she finally leaves and never talks to you again. I literally cried for almost an hour during my my bubble bath after she dropped me off at my house). Another abandoned me in a really fucked up situation so I split and the next day she tried to talk to me and I had a hell of an angry out burst. After a while I realized what I had done the guilt kicked in and I felt awful so I texted her she didn’t talk to me for almost two weeks. When we finally did talk I Started to try and explain but her response was I have anxiety too but I don’t treat people I care about like that. You can control it you choose not to and you have to try harder bud I control mine all the time she then told me I’m on my second strike next time man you’re gonna lose a friend you have one more chance(worst thing to tell someone with Bpd). Well she lost a friend that night she don’t know it but she did. I will save her the trouble of a third strike because I know it will happen again.Her word set in motion a downwards spiral I’m still trying to over come. I am seriously at the point where I just want to cut everyone out of my life my mind keeps telling me I should telling me I’m a awful person. Don’t bother coming clean and telling them the truth no one really believes in Bpd. You know they don’t care enough to try and understand if you tell them it will become the excuse they have been looking for to leave and never talk to you again they only pretend to be your friend because they feel bad for you and all the shit you’ve been through just do it save them the time cut them out of your life. This is the kind of shit that plagues my mind. I am told all the time you have a choice to control your anxiety and you chose not to your angrer, your depression your just not trying hard enough. Maybe it’s my fault for not telling them about my Bpd but honestly if this is their reaction can anyone blame me? I can picture it now as I’m trying to explain what’s going through my head or talk about why I feel the way I feel (b your being manipulative your trying to guilt trip me thats manipulative) I feel like this would be their response like I seriously can not talk about why I’m mad at people or feeling the way I am with out them disregarding me or telling me I’m guilt tripping them. I don’t even want to imagine how it would be if I told them about my Bpd diagnosis. My only saving grace is my best friend in Houston realizing that I cant keep waking up every morning wishing something awful would happen to me so that I can finally have peace (being me is so exhausting and I am tired). My breaking point was when I started thinking about the day my bio mom showed up at my apartment recently. I sat there on my bed and I though about if I had answered the door I would be free and everyone’s lives would be better for it maybe she was right it should have been me and not my little sister.with where my minds been I seriously understand why 10% of people with Bpd choose the route they do.Thankfully my best friend answered she’s probly the only person I can say always text back and answers my calls if I pick up the phone and say I need you now she’d get in her car and drive the three hours no questions asked. I had to talk her out of coming down this weekend. She helped me sort everything out and it was nice telling someone about my Bpd and being shown nothing but understanding, compassion, and support. Talking with her made me feel like I’m not a monster she reminded me of the type of person I am. Who I am is separate my Bpd is not me.(I seriously don’t deserve a friend like her)I think I’m finally going to quit keeping this from my loved ones. With luck maybe one more person will be the same as my bestfriend in Houston. (I needed to write this out wish luck)

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