#I finished it at like 4am and then I couldn’t sleep cause wtf

[somewillwin]

I read @speakergame again last night (last time I played was 2022) and bruuuuuuuh I neeed itttt

Lily my beloved 🫠🫠🫠

[twiniverse]

Hey guys. I know I make a lot of excuses for my absences but I saw some people asking about where I’ve been so here’s my latest one. At the time of writing this, it’s Wednesday around 8:30pm.

On Thursday, I went to the psychiatrist to try to get back on medication for the first time in years. It was a new guy, I thought I was seeing the old guy, but no. Anyway new guy prescribed me a new medication for headaches. I took it on Friday when I woke up in the afternoon (I’m nocturnal). That’s where things went to hell. Weak stomach? Fear of medications? Don’t keep reading.

Keep in mind that I was barely mentally present through all of this, there was a lot of fog, but I’ll try to recap as best as I can from what I do remember and what I was told.

Took the first pill Friday afternoon. Within a few hours, I started noticing I felt sick to my stomach. Thought I was hungry. Tried eating, couldn’t finish. All Sodas started tasting flat. I noticed this mid-soda, assumed I just didn’t finish it in time. I took the second pill around 3:30am Saturday morning. By 4am, I felt like I was starving even though I had been eating normally. I was drifting in and out of consciousness.

By 10am Saturday morning, I started violently throwing up. Everything that touched my stomach came right back up. I spent most of the day Saturday hugging the toilet in between short bouts of sleep since I couldn’t keep awake. By 5pm I was throwing up water and acid. At this point, we almost took me to the hospital. If I didn’t live in the USA, I would have gone. Luckily, I was able to get to sleep. When I would wake up every couple of hours I was heavily disassociating from my body. I was having weird thoughts and dreams, followed by me thinking ‘wtf this is a really weird thought? What is going on’ and they wouldn’t stop. From this point on, between Sunday-Monday morning, I only remember waking up occasionally to drink chicken broth. I was so hungry that I could barely move, but couldn’t eat anything heavier than that. I apparently got on Discord occasionally to tell people I was better :) I was not better. Kept passing out.

Monday’s sleep was fitful, because at that point I was actually starving but didn’t have the energy to eat. Or get up. Or barely open my eyes. I didn’t think I was going to make it. I didn’t think I was going to be able to wake up again. I managed to make it through, somehow. I started eating plain eggs and oatmeal sometime during the weekend, I don’t fucking know when, but I made sure to eat more after this sleep session. I started waking up from the fog Monday night/Tuesday morning. When I went to sleep Tuesday morning, I felt regularly hungry as if I just skipped a meal and not like I was going to just throw up anything I had eaten.

Tuesday (yesterday) afternoon was the first time I was able to eat anything more solid than oatmeal or plain eggs. I was able to get back on the computer, finally, but looking at the screen too long causes headaches. I am still very weak, and going between eating solids and oatmeal because solids still make me queezy but I’m able to keep them down. I am exhausted. There’s tingling in my extremities. I still can’t drink anything carbonated (a symptom of the medication).

Guys, seriously. This new medication was supposed to be for headaches. I didn’t think to question it. I thought it’d be like Tylenol. I trusted this new doctor. I nearly fucking died. This medicine is an anti-epileptic medication that you’re supposed to ease onto slowly, not start right out the gate with two pills in a day. I received no information on that. I wasn’t given a list of side effects. I wasn’t told anything. I nearly fucking died. I’m still recovering. When you get prescribed a new medication, ASK FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS. Check the side effects! Have a discussion with your doctor. I nearly fucking died.

[monohart]

clouds. (college!au)

ft. mark lee, sunny days and the brink of adolescence.

dating the campus’ radio dj was not an easy job

he was always, always busy, especially in the evenings.

he was exempted from 2/3 of his classes this semester to fit in broadcasting sessions and also to mentor the new broadcasters.

apparently they recruited a freshman, jisung. but he was a shy little bean, and mark needed to spend a lot more hours mentoring him.

which kinda meant that you would spend less time with your boyfriend

thankfully, y’all had similar classes.

there was this one class which was a capstone subject

which meant if u want to graduate u HAD to take it lol

and he aced all of the assessments in that subject so far this year

but you were just a bit competitive, so with exams coming, you planned to score a higher grade than him

which.. was an easy job, right? he spent most of his nights hosting the radio show anyway.

it both bugged and made you so extremely proud that mark was already getting proper job offers from major broadcasting channels

like when he got his first offer, he actually just finished a broadcast at around 3am, and was on the way back home

but he read the email on his phone and took a detour to your apartment

which scared the sh*t out of you

mark its almost 4am you could’ve just sent me a text??

“i don’t care i just needed to tell you this in person, oh my goodness is this even real????”

idk mark you tell me???

it was real, because he started getting offer after offer in the following week

but thankfully he didn’t pop by your place in the middle of the night again, after that first time

because you actually let him stay over that night and -

he held you in his arms as he leant against your headboard

and you just used him as a pillow because he you made him take a quick shower and he smelt of your soap but he still smelled of him and it was a comforting scent which sent you off the dreamland real quick

and he actually watched you fall asleep and made sure you were asleep before he pulled out his laptop to work on an assignment that was due the next day

when you woke up the next morning, you felt something cold and hard prod your back and you panicked for a moment before realising it was his laptop

and you heard the shower running so you knew it was mark going through his morning routine

but then you thought.... did he even sleep?

when he hopped out of the bathroom clad in same the clothes he wore the night before, he was still drying his hair with a towel

and his face was strew with exhaustion

but as soon as he saw you sitting groggily on the edge of your bed, his face lit up and he strode over to kiss the top of your head

“mark, did you even sleep?”

“nope, but i’m off again, i’ve got to hand in my assignment! i’ll see you for lunch?”

“wait what assignment?? did you need help on it?”

“nope, i got it done last night! thanks for letting me crash.”

before you could stop him, he pressed a hasty kiss on your lips before grabbing his laptop and bag and rushed out the door

and you sigh because

this was how dating mark lee, the campus dj, was like.

anyway

now, you guys were just a few days away from finishing the semester’s classes

and this was your last semester... given if you’ll pass the exams lol

so it was kinda the last few days you’d be able to spend together, on campus.

summer was coming

and the sun was so bright these days, it cleared the skies

no rain, none at all

which was not entirely Great because rainy days helped you study... and rainy days also meant more people tuned in on the campus radio

which meant

mark was kinda jobless today

which ALSO meant!!!

you could finally spend a whole day with him.

but, oh man...

when he called you around 11pm the night before, he was also checking his email and ... accidentally forgot that he had another assignment due at 8am the following morning

guess who didn’t get any sleep at all again!!!

your heart hurt seeing him work so hard

but somehow he convinced you to go to sleep first and not stay up to help him

he still got the assignment in on time because hes mark lee

so when you guys sat on the lawn in the middle of campus just like any typical college couple would on a nice sunny day, mark lay his head on your lap and used one of your textbooks to shield his eyes from the sun

and you were using his laptop to compile your notes from the semester, and also to help him tidy up his

“hey baby...?”

“hmm?”

you waited for mark to continue his sentence but he went silent

“mark, what?”

“mark-”

you lifted your textbook from his face only to find that he had fallen asleep.

his lips were slightly parted and he was snoring really quietly, and his fingers were in loose fists as they rested on his belly.

dont deny but you busted the biggest uwu didnt you

ofc like

you couldn’t possibly waste this precious photo opportunity but

your phone was just slightly out of reach rip

so when you grappled for it, mark woke up in an instant

he sat up real quick, and a tuft of his hair was sticking up messily.

“oh no, i didnt mean to-”

“so d’you wonder why we’re all clouds?”

you stared at each other with equally as confused frowns lol

like mark was actually

hella confused

but your expression literally read wtf

he didn’t really notice but instead yawned and held his arm out to you

and you move closer to him, snuggling into his side as he slowly lays the both of you down again, in a way so you could use his arm as a pillow.

the sun was really really bright so y’all lay there with your eyes squished shut

“we’re all just clouds, aren’t we?”

his serious question was met by your quiet scoff

“no, no, i’m for real. y’know how everything we do are for exams. exams this, assignments that... gpa... scores.. grades... deadlines... those kinda things. they turn us into clouds.”

“that is one extremely weird way to describe college students, mark.”

“no, baby, but... it’s accurate, isn’t it? the anxiety, stress, exhaustion... and just about everything we do turn us all into little clouds.”

“do elaborate, cause i don’t get why you’re comparing us to condensed water vapour.”

mark chuckled a little, and you roll your eyes figuratively, keeping your eyes tightly shut to shield it from the unforgiving sun.

"actually, never mind, it sounded way better in my head.”

at that point you were getting up to lie on your side

he turned his head and squinted at you as you gently placed a hand on his chest

"are you writing lyrics again?”

he hummed quietly and you shift a few inches closer to him.

“show me. i want to read those lyrics, no matter how dumb you think they are.”

“they’re not ready yet.”

“if you’re writing about anxiety, i can be your muse.”

“no way, you’re not a cloud. you’re a sunflower.”

he wrote lyrics all the time and most of the time he’d write them about you

sometimes he’d let you read them, sometimes he kept them to himself

and you’d catch him grinning idiotically over some lyric he wrote some time ago

so when he goes to sleep you would sneak a peak at it and it’s basically a love letter to first-date-you, or a diary entry of how he feels every time he sends u home from a date or from school but its so dreamy and seems unreal but you kNOW ITS REAL!!

bc u were there!!

anyway 

idk what came over you but you slung an arm around his torso and rested your head against his shoulder and he let out a quiet little puff of breath

you would think he’s pretty ok with skinship since y’all been together for so long

but yeah it was chill and okay and he’d be super clingy at home but when y’all were in public

man,,, he got so flustered and nervous

u just wanted to cuddle lol but he suddenly turned into a robot

the sun made everything seem slow and warm and sluggish which was pretty okay with you because you were finally spending time with mark!!!

and he was soft and squishy and a little bit awkward but so so so cute so u rly just wanted the moment to last longer

but no

just as u were about to drift off a Shadow™ loomed over u both

mark probably fell asleep again tbh

u heard a rly loud camera go CLICK and distinct voices whisper-yelling at each other

and there was a struggle

and the struggle ended with a Butt falling onto mark’s other shoulder

“MARK IM SO SORRY RENJUN PUSHED ME”

“NO YOU STINK YOU FELL BY YOURSELF”

“oh hey guys shut up the photo turned out alright”

“JENO SHUT UP THEY’RE RIGHT THERE”

mark was sitting up and you fussed over his other shoulder which was attacked by jaemin’s butt

and although he was so .. unfortunately.. woken up from his nap he was grinning and squinting up at his squabbling friends

and he chuckled as he watched u stand up and wrestle jeno for his phone to see the Photo

he was watching you chase chenle and renjun around the lawn, the two boys purposefully running slower to tease u

donghyuck sat down next to mark and put his head on his shoulder to mimic you from a few minutes ago

“oh you’re disgusting please go away.”

hyuck turned his head and batted his eyelashes up at mark who was still watching u with a dreamy smile

“you’re leaving soon, we just wanted to spend time with you before u abandon us”

mark laughed and told him he’s only graduating

but hyuck scowled and nudged mark with his elbow then gestured in your direction

“but you spend more time with her nowadays than you do with us”

mark let out a loud laugh and shook his head

“she’s my girlfriend.”

“so?”

“she’s my lover.”

“so??”

“she’s... everything to me.”

jisung, who was listening, gagged and haechan slapped mark’s tummy while hollering

and then u look over at them from the other side of the lawn, wondering why mark was lying on the floor again and why the other dreamies were surrounding him in a cultish circle

jeno and jaemin turned to face you with big chummy smiles on their faces and together they made heart arms at u

some other people on the lawn were beginning to stare and so u hide behind chenle bc renjun is too tiny

then jisung must’ve texted their group chat because renjun cackles and leads you back to the group

and u notice how bright mark’s face was which makes u blush like crazy as well

and even though stress from school, work and everything in general, was making u feel like a big and heavy raincloud

one look at mark lee made u feel like sunflowers and daisies

it totally didn’t help that when he’d look at you, the corners of his eyes would crinkle ever so slightly, and his eyes would shine with genuine adoration

and his cute little lips would stretch into the widest grin

uwu

and u bet the next batch of lyrics he gonna write is gonna be about you again!!

[igottaketchumall]

I wrote another short Tyrus oneshot :))

TJ: Buffy I need to tell you something super important

I'll be at your house in like...10 minutes.

Buffy: Tj it's 4am

Wtf

TJ KIPPEN

JUST CALL ME

TJ: HHHHH

NO

I'M GAY OANICKING

Buffy: lmao what's going on

TJ: SOMEBODY

TOLD ME

CYRUS IS STRAIGHT

BUFFY I WANTED TO ASK HIM TO HOMECOMING AND I DON'T WANNA GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN

Buffy: who told you that??

Cyrus used to have a huge crush on Jonah he's not straight

He's really fucking gay lmao

TJ: Lester told me??

He said Reed told him that Cyrus told him he's straight

You think Reed lied to him?

Buffy: Cyrus probably just didn't want to come out to Reed and Lester yet they aren't that close

TJ: you think so?

Buffy: yes I do TJ

and what do you mean again?

TJ: I used to like this boy named Tyler

He was really sweet

Until he found out I liked him and told me he was straight, which uh made me feel like shit and really stupid.

Idk

I was just really happy

And then i found out I never have a chance with him

I just

Ugh

I don't want that to happen again

I don't want to fall in love with some only to be told that I'll never have a chance with him years later.

Buffy: that won't happen with Cyrus I promise

I'm so sorry that happened TJ

But you should really get some sleep ok?

I care about you and if you're going to ask Cyrus tomorrow you should go get some rest :')

It's going to go great!

TJ: okay

Thank you

Ily

Buffy: wow I'll never get used to that

But ily too

...

TJ: Cyrus?

Cyrus: Yeah?

is everything ok?

TJ: yeah, everything's okay don't worry :')

but thank you for caring

Cyrus: of course

so why did you message me so late?

not that it's a problem! :))

TJ: I just...couldn't sleep...

Cyrus: what's on your mind?

TJ: it's just that...

we're in 9th grade now, and I realized "oh shit, homecoming's a thing". It's something I've always heard about but never been able to go to and now I cAN.

and I've just been thinking about that a lot cause i'm not sure if I should ask someone, but I really want to.

it sounds really fun! and I don't want to miss this opportunity! 

but i'm scared...

Cyrus: take a deep breath in, and then out.

and look out your window.

look at the stars. 

TJ: ok...

Cyrus: and think about how we'll all be here for you tomorrow no matter what happens :)

TJ: they're beautiful...

Cyrus: :)

who do you want to ask, if you don't mind me asking?

TJ: someone I've liked for a while.

it's a secret, for now at least.

hey, can I call you?

Cyrus: yeah, sure, we just have to be quiet.

TJ:  okay.

I just want to hear your voice :)

Cyrus: :)

TJ:  :)

also, Cyrus?

I feel a lot better.

thank you <3

...

"is he going to ask him today?" Buffy sat next to Andi at lunch.

"I think so, unless he wants to do it at  homecoming." Andi responded, opening her small bag of apples. 

During the day, TJ was nervously texting Andi about asking Cyrus to homecoming. This had been going on for weeks ever since it was announced homecoming would be soon: If Andi didn't respond, he texted Buffy, if Buffy didn't respond, he texted Jonah, and if Jonah didn't? He went to Marty. 

But the first person he always went to before texting was his sister, Amber. During the day he was talking to Andi since he had two classes with her, and didn't text Amber since he and Andi were already talking. 

  He had all these ideas popping into his head and then would come up with reasons as to why Cyrus would hate it, and now today was the last day before homecoming, and also the day of the pep rally, and TJ had a plan.

"yeah, he seems really nervous, like more than he has been for all the weeks he's been obsessing over this." Buffy said, taking a bite of her mac and cheese. "but I think he can do it."

Andi smiled. "Me too, he's over at a table with Reed and Lester right now coming up with the finishing touches of his plan"

"Plan?"

"He wants to ask him at the pep rally, in front of everyone! I told him that might make him way more nervous than he already is but, maybe it'll work?"

Buffy nodded. "I can see it working" she moved her spoon around with her hand. "kind of" 

Laughing a little, Andi looked over at the lunch line where Cyrus was getting the last of his food and getting ready to walk over to them. They both really hoped TJ's plan went as well he wanted it to.

...

The basketball game for the homecoming pep rally was coming close to and end, and TJ was getting more and more worried. 

Reed gave him a thumbs up from the bleachers and Lester smiled quietly next to him. Looking up at two of his best friends supporting him, he felt a little bit better. Then his eyes shifted over to Andi, Buffy, Jonah, and most importantly, Cyrus.

'and think about how we'll all be here for you tomorrow no matter what happens'

He can do this. 

The game was over. Lester and Reed were obnoxiously cheering from the bleachers, and he had so many other friends supporting him. 

Let's do this I guess.

"Um, hello everyone I...I would like to say something for this pep rally's over."

and now all eyes were on him. TJ closed his eyes and thought about his call with Cyrus, and when he opened them he was smiling wide.

"I want to say something to someone really important to me. His name is Cyrus Goodman. He's been the most supportive person in my life, helped me become a better person, and because of him I believe now that I can do so much. I've never been surrounded by so much support and friendships before I met him, and i'm really glad he wasn't able to get his own muffin because I might never have walked up to him at the swing set and be where I am now. Thank you Cyrus, you're the best person I know, and I would really love it if you were my date to homecoming."

Andi, Buffy, Jonah, Lester, and Reed were cheering loudly along with the whole school, and TJ could feel his face heat up. The positive response was amazing. 

And then his eyes drifted over to Cyrus, who was literally crying. He felt like crying too and his first thought was to motion for Cyrus to walk down the bleachers towards him. Jonah nudged him with his arm with a wink, and Cyrus laughed, walking towards TJ.

Soon he was running, and once he reach

Once they both let go, they looked at each other and around the room as everyone was still screaming. Reed threw confetti into the gym, as requested by TJ for the plan, and TJ laughed as a bunch got in Cyrus's hair because gosh, he looked so cute.

"So, are we going to homecoming together?" TJ smiled, still really nervous.

"SAY YES!" Reed shouted way too loud.

TJ blushed but Cyrus was laughing, which made TJ relax a bit and smiled back.

"Yes TJ, we are." 

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

I’m so fucking low. I don’t want to be social with anyone. I’m doing all I can. I’ve tried sorting things in the flat. I’ve eaten. I’m running myself a bath. But I don’t feel any better. I don’t know why I feel like this. I have no reason to feel like this. Am I expecting too much again ? Is it the stuff I’m blocking out ? Am I uncertain ? Fuck knows. Idk wtf is wrong with me. Nothing is glaring at me.

Yesterday I just dropped. I got to my mums and I had nothing left in me. I felt awful because she was so happy to see me but I just felt like shit. Every moment I was there I could feel all the crappy toxic shit I’d have to deal with when I move back there.

The car journey to grandmas with dad was nice tho. That perked me up. But then I used whatever little social juice I had left talking with grandma for hours. By the time I got home I was so depleted. I started tidying up to make myself feel better. I knew as soon as I’d sit down and rest I wouldn’t do any of it that night. Then he came over before I finished doing all that stuff. He started talking about things and I wanted to listen but I just couldn’t. All I could think about was getting what I wanted done. I was getting so tired. Then I knew I didn’t have it in me to sit up for the rest of the night to do the models he bought me. That made me feel really shitty. But I can’t help it. I’ve just not had any energy this past week. Even when I got better sleep. I had that one day where I felt good. But was that because of sleep ? Or was I just so traumatised from the night before that I’d forcefully blocked out everything from my mind to make me feel okay ? I’ve tried so hard to not forget that night. Every part of me wants to block it out and forget. But I musnt. The way he hurt me, how it felt the same as that time he told me he chose her. God I can’t forget that feeling. I can’t gloss over these things just because he’s my favourite person. I need to remember that pain he caused me.

Am I not over that ? I mean we didn’t really resolve it. He messaged me while I was at work and I couldn’t reply. We said we’d talk later about it and we never did. So the usual happened where I just move on like it never happened. I can’t keep doing that. Is this what’s getting me low ? But I was feeling low and shitty the whole week before that happened ? Right ? I really can’t trace it back.

I’m fed up of trying to find a reason for me not feeling good. I’m fed up of people telling me I can’t feel like this for no reason. I fucking can. I have so many days of feeling like crap for no fucking reason. I wake up like it. I have a good day an it turns into that. There doesn’t have to be a reason. Today I woke up I felt okay. He gave me attention. He fucked me. I felt good. But then he left, and I knew what the rest of the day entailed. I wasn’t looking forward to it.

I’m excited to play with him tomorrow. But I can’t fully be excited because I’m worried I won’t have all my models ready. He spent so much on getting me them. I need to get it done. But I don’t have time. I have 3 hours before Malu gets here. I still need to sort some things out. Get ready. Go to the shops. I don’t have time. Then later on I’ll be tired. I know I will be. It’ll get to around 9/10pm and I’ll wanna go to sleep. It’s not fair. Then we have to get there early tomorrow. Spend most of the day there. Then I have to rush to pack for Dam because I’m working Monday. I need an early night Monday because we need to leave at 4am on Tuesday to get to the air port.

I’m stressed. That’s what it is. It’s not one thing. It’s a mountain of things and I’m not prepped for anything. I’m worried about money. There’s so many fucking things. I just want to be away. In my happy place where I don’t have to worry about any of this trivial shit. I wanna have pancakes for breakfast, walk along the canals, go to my fav coffee shops, sit in Vondel park, get a boat down the canals, have dinner at a nice place, go back to our suite and get royally fucked. That’s all I want. It can’t come soon enough. 3 days..

[suqarjae]

{ next door neighbour!eunwoo }

this series is taking a lot longer than planned agsjdk but here!! we have neighbor!eunwoo !!! requested by @flyera , let's hope I have the rest done soon ;;v;; thanks for requesting 💕💕 

・lee dongmin・ 

you really need an egg 

you thought you had enough 

but 

n o p e

you can't leave your house to go to the store bc it's 3am 

maybe midnight baking wasn't the best idea 

very reluctantly you make your way to your neighbour's door 

it was the best idea you could come up with ok

you weren't expecting him to answer what the hell 

"before you ask what I'm doing at your door at 3am I'd just like to say I didn't expect you to answer n sorry if I disturbed you if I'm causing you trouble I'll just go back home" 

he cut you off halfway saying he couldn't sleep tonight anyways so it was ok n everything but he was still v v confused on why your here at 3am 

"oh uh...I was here to ask if you happened to have an egg? i couldn't sleep so I was gonna bake some muffins n I thought I had enough eggs but I'm one short and if I don't get that egg it's going to drive me insane aHa h" 

he blinks a couple times before he starts chuckling to himself 

you swear you hear him mutter smth abt you being cute under his breath before he disappears inside 

when you don't follow him in he stops halfway to what appears to be his kitchen 

"are you going to stand there and freeze your butt off or are you coming inside to get this egg" 

you were inside quicker than you could say minion midnight 

as he gives you the egg he gives you a soft half smile 

"so what's your name anyways like we do a similar course and we share quite a few classes but I've somehow never actually paid proper attention to your name oops" 

you start to get kinda flustered bc now that you can see him in the light it turns out you may or may not have asked the guy you've been crushing on from afar for a goddamn e g g at three in the m o r n i n g 

"oh-I-uhm--I'm uh..I'm--"

you’re a stuttering mess and your brain can't compute at 3am anymore apparently 

"wait aren't you binnie's friend? yea you are!!! aren't you...?" 

you nod bc words fail you rn 

he's so warm and friendly?? even at 3am???

why is he like this 

shit he's making your feelings grow more 

he's so sweet??????

????????????????????????????

you invite him over bc you left the muffin batter out like the loveable doof you are n you feel bad if you just rob him of one singular egg 

he laughs n follows you back home 

you spend the next like...hour messing around with each other bc y'all can't sleep anyways 

you two are having so much fun you completely forget its now 4am

the muffins are finally in the oven and you’re sat on the counter while he's casually raiding your fridge for who knows why or what

you've established a fast friendship in this small time frame ok 

you're licking the spoon and he's returned from your fridge with an egg in hand 

"..........where tf was that" 

he cracks up hah get it laughing and stands back to reveal a whole carton of eggs hidden behind the milk bottle and your roommate's protein powder jar that she refuses to leave in the pantry 

you're laughing too bc it's now 4am who cares anymore everything's hilarious atm 

he's leaning against the counter next to where you’re sitting 

you honestly feel so warm when he's there like it was probably rly obvious you had a crush on him 

you may or may not of fallen asleep on him while waiting for the muffins

like legit on him

he was wondering why it suddenly got rly quiet when he felt you lean against his shoulder softly

"that's so cute wtf..." 

he's still p much wide awake 

he picks you up n you nuzzle into his chest

he’s warm and cuddly and you’re very much asleep at this point

“fuCk that’s cut e...” he says aloud, under his breath

he carries you to the sofa n lays you down as best he can without waking you up n he goes n gets the blanket on the couch opposite where he lay you down 

he makes sure you'll be warm by carefully wrapping you up in a blanket burrito before finishing up the muffins for you 

writes a small message on a sticky note n sticks it on the container he put the muffins in 

"thanks for the muffin, it's really good actually. if u wanna talk more than just gimme a text :) " then his number down the bottom 

it was a v v nice surprise to wake up to 

you missed your first class 

but the early morning muffin baking was very memorable

you messaged him and he got back to you almost straight away 

hey what can I say, you guys clicked rly well ;)

[lost25yearold]

Nothing special

Please don’t bore yourself, my blogs will never be special and all those fancy-shmancy editing because I’m lazy and I’m here to reel in my negative energy to these blogs, not adore them.  I don’t know how it went down hill but I always thought that my parents had a better grip on their adulthood, nonetheless their lives.

I always imagined myself to be professional and start settling down by the age of 25 but look where I am in now, broke, unemployed, and bored most of the time.  Don’t get me wrong, I am currently finishing my Bachelor’s Degree in a program that my lazy ass would take, having 5 years work experience into appropriate school credentials, like wtf? What kind of school does that? But good thing is, I did finish 3 years of college so I’m just in the peak of finishing my degree so why the hell not. 

Finishing my degree wasn’t always been in my tumblr list but its always been a plan. I was suppose to finish this last year but I opted to take the opportunity to have a training ship abroad in Saipan. Its a small island that nobody really knows about; but I do now, cause I found the love of my life. (Hold On! This is not about my boyfriend, so carry on)  I have left my Dad and my grandmother who I’ve always felt was so vulnerable and weak. I have given them every ounce of energy and time I have for them like they are my guests, hence I have worked in the Hospitality Industry. I stayed with my family after how I failed my expedition in working in a cruise ship. I still consider that as my greatest downfall, as how proud of a person I was; but looking at the bright side, it made me feel humble as well. So I promised them that give me this one year, and I’ll finish my Degree so I can get a job here in the Philippines to be with them; then again taking this halt in my life have not made me happy and not living.  I am attending school like I said but its been 5 months and I haven’t had any classes given yet, but they said classes were just for formality and all I have to do is focus on my thesis. Its just like paying the school to give me a certification for my Bachelors Degree, that’s how fucked up the system here in the Philippines is. But let me just say that school started at August so, I should still give them credit too; I’m just being impatient and all.  After I got back the Philippines, I never wanted to stay there for long time since I wanted to go look for a job right away cause I couldn’t afford myself living on my own. I always have thought that I could not depend on my parents anymore, but I never felt so betrayed as well, when my grandmother took away her promise; like she’s gonna help me with school and i’ll just take care of rent. I felt so heart broken in my life, my boyfriend at that time just left Philippines too, so I never felt so lonely in my life. My grand mother has an attitude with money so; she’s kinda selfish growing up a problematic kid, but thats her, and I cannot keep a grudge for her bad attitude, and she’s family, but I wouldn’t lie she did hurt me so much. 

So I worked here a little as a call center agent. I never felt so lost at that moment, where I just walked by IT Park to look for a job, like I was just kicking something to somewhere until somebody pointed me to the recruitment center. I didn’t have anybody or no one to push me to go there, or be with me, I just went ahead straight the bullet, answering interview questions like I don’t have anything to lose. After hours of interview, I got the job. 

Of course my problems does not stop there, I felt so ashamed that my best friend, Maritess, the one that I promised to go to school with was not able to qualify for the school program just because she was a year younger. Back in Saipan, I have always pushed her doing the school with me and I’ll help her all the way, just to come here in Philippines given that kind of answer from the administrator.  I was living with her for a while, and I felt so nauseated that I message my friend if I can stay with him for a while, nonetheless sleeping on the floor in their school building. Its not much but he was so accommodating as well. So I slept in the floor for 2 days and when he was out for a date, I was their left alone in a dim building crying out for someone to just get me straight, but I had no one aside from my boyfriend online. It wasn’t enough for the tears to stop. 

I still held my head high not showing to my friend how devastated how I’ve felt, so I transferred to an expensive apartment by myself, using whats left of my savings and by myself. I was dragging around my bags and trying to still steal myself from whats happening. When I was in my apartment, it just worsen how I feel, so empty. I didn’t have anythings, I didn’t even have my own bed sheets and pillows. You might ask, then why I transferred and get the apartment, because my friend couldn’t accommodate me after the weekend had passed, cause his uncle is gonna come and visit, and let me remind you that it is a classroom that I’ve slept in. 

The next day I just push myself to go and buy stuff for the apartment by myself, and dragging around heavy stuff too, considering that its 4 floors high. Even though, I had an apartment to sleep in, I walked around the place like a homeless person. I only eat once a day just to save up money that I have left, considering I even have to buy water.  Aside from that friend who made me stay with him, all of my old classmates and old friends weren’t here to at least even have conversation with them. 

Before I started to follow up my requirements for work, I have looked around for dormitories that would help me save money at least, and I found my old dormitory. I transferred  right away cause it would help me save money regardless of the electricity and water bill. Even if I was so down, I had my friend save me and took over my old apartment even if they didn’t like it. Again, I never felt so ashamed and heart broken.  Going forward with the work requirement, I had to spend extra just because of my back condition. I was also anemic so I had to go see a doctor. How can you be not anemic if you are only eating once a day, and less sleep, I was so bombarded with problems, like one problem to another problem.  That finished, start working 8pm - 4am every day, paid, $250 a month, thats the only  job I can get without having a degree is how supposed to be in the Philippines. Isn’t it sad and unfair? Everyday at work I felt so lost and I couldn’t get my head straight with the training considering that I was so hungry and it was so hard to adjust with the work schedule. All technical training and something that I haven’t touched ever in my life; I felt like I was afloat but I kept forcing myself with out even have the energy anymore, but then again I do not have any more choice, do I?

When I get home, I couldn’t stop thinking about how to pay rent and pay the enrollment fee when I do not have anybody to depend on anymore aside from my patient boyfriend. I honestly thought that my boyfriend would leave me or wouldn’t be able to help me, because thats how of an asshole and negative I am. I mean who could blame me, not all people stay when they are in the worse situations. But he stayed along the troubles of my life, but it was a while when he can help me because of the vacation time he took to come here in Philippines to meet my family. 

[I should put it out there how much I have thought of disappearing and killing myself, just to end everything. But the thought of that just makes me sadder since I have accepted defeat if I do that, thats the lowest of low I can think of myself. But I won’t lie how much I have considered it and every moment I have would always remind me how much down hill my life spiraled down to and to this day, it still makes my eye so teary. ] 

So every afternoon, I pushed myself to go to work and hoping to get a good meal at work before I go work while I sleep the whole morning, meeting new people and classmates.  Despite that, I never felt so lonely anymore, aside from my constant video calls with my boyfriend but I actually had people to talk to. My new classmates (at work). At first I kept to myself, like I really need something or someone come into my life even if how crazy and depressing had it became at the first place, and for some new people it was a little hard to blend in since these are very young people. I’m just right over there in the side trying to observe, even some people are so judgmental, there are also people who are actually nice and they do not care what status you have as long as you’re cool with them.  The first few weeks were so hard since I had to be awake at 12am til 4am, and I catch myself sleeping at training too.  At first I thought everything is gonna look brighter, and it did... for a while. 

While I was working along with the call center job, I got a call from my old Dean. She offered to interview me cause they are looking for a new instructor. By then I felt like God has given me the chance to catch up. I thought that taking that job instead being a call center agent would actually be an advantage since its something that I have experience with; so I made my biggest mistake, I considered.  She invited me to have the demo; so there is one thing I need to do. Quit my current job. Biggest mistake of my life. Seriously had a fight with my boyfriend because he thinks that I should still stay at work while I do that demonstration, which I should’ve have listened to!!! but as confident and proud as I am, I went the other way and told him I needed my full attention to create the demo. As a loving and patient boyfriend he is, he still supported my decision. So I quit my job, earning only like less than $90 and took the freaking resignation.  So there I was prepared to do my demonstration, just to be told that she had an emergency so she had to ask another instructor to sit in for her instead. I did my demonstration and I felt like I did good, even the instructor who watched me said so. I waited and waited and waited, I even offered time to help with my former teachers to kill time to teach and demonstrate for free. I waited until it was my niece's baptism.  I went home and fix the awkwardness between me and my family. Had to confirm to my grand mother that i did not leave Ozamiz just to hide a pregnancy, thats how low they think of me, and had to hold Yana and really see her.  I stayed there for a while, having to play with Yana really made me forget what I went through and how I went through it.  Until ..  Me, my brother and his wife was watching a movie, the Dean just tagged me in facebook for a job opening. She didn’t say anything but I got her point, but I still messaged her confirming what she’s really trying to tell me, and she just said she cannot help me anymore cause she just saved her ass because the Department is falling down because of the K12 program. There were no students enrolling for culinary because of the new school program where freshmen have to take 2 years pre college courses. 

I got so devastated but I think Yana and my boyfriend kept me together. I waited until I got the call for interview and assesment for my schooling. After I did the orientation, I went ahead and applied for jobs, somehow with Tess.  I really thought she wouldn’t go look for jobs since they’re rich and they have business to think about, but with a temporary problem she’s facing with her family, she left their house and went her to Cebu. Day and night we have been together looking for jobs, but as days passed I felt like she’s changing her mind. She felt practical and have to do the business instead since she’s planning to go to Korea, and the only way she can get the visa is with helping her parent’s business. 

So I’m left alone again. 

I had been constantly trying to apply for coffee shops, kitchen, and online jobs and neither one of them actually considered. I failed online tests, I didn’t receive any callbacks and it just gotten me sad but I do not let myself get back to that depression again. I called my boyfriend and I told him I am trying as much as I could and as my resources can help me, he just told me to focus on my schooling and he will help me; but still stubborn me, I cannot let anybody suffer because of me. I needed to help myself as well, but I kept trying, circumstances are just trying to defy my luck. Dad called and he said the same thing, really surprised me. I thought my Dad would be the same as what he was like grandma, but he actually confided me to focus in school instead of pressuring myself to look for jobs that I know I cannot keep for long since I have a thesis thinking about in the future when school really starts for me.  So now I’m right here, doing a blog of my life, how miserable and good it had become but I still feel very lost because I feel like I’m slacking off and I couldn’t really keep myself “chill” because I am always restless. I have always thought that every time is gold, there is something I can always do aside from moping around sleep all day. And it breaks my heart thinking that my boyfriend cannot have what he wants because he is sending me his money to help me as well as Dad helping me along the way, even though he should have saved that money for his retirement.  Thats a lot for me to say and putting myself out vulnerably out there to random strangers who would read this or for my future self to read how stupid and helpless I was when I was younger.  I know I have a lot more worse experience when I was younger, considering how much of a failure I saw myself when I worked in the cruise ship, all my experience, the mental attack, sexual harassment, home sickness, and the embarrassment, but maybe I just thought of this because of how something I tasted so sweet and seen joy in my life in Saipan, spiraled down to how lonely and depressed I have become.  Is this life? 

[bladowshit]

5am nightmares

I woke up pretty early today around 4am then watched new episode of terrace house and it only took me 40mins to finish the episode so i decided to just go back to sleep again.

This time it was terrible, I should have to watched something again. I had a dream about me, Chi and Rob went to a public school located in an area where usually crime happens because idk why too but there were a lot of people. While we were there I lost both of them and idk how it happened but i saw this disabled little girl and carried her the whole time I was there. While I was carrying her I was looking for Rob because I have sensed bad guys around but I couldn't`find both of them then something bad happened. Some guys just walked in and started stabbing some students and people around so people were all rushing to get their way out of the school to head to the train station (weird) and I was still with the little girl. We got to the station and on the train but the train was really weird, it`s like a very old train I couldn’t explain it but it was an open ride and dude wtf i just witnessed two students died because 1. she fell 2. the other one got crushed out of something I couldn’t explain too. It was crazy then I woke up and went back to sleep again but the next dream was really bad too, someone died again but it was in a different scenario already I totally forgot about the details now 

I realized those dream happened in just 15 mins but it felt fucking long. Shit i wish i had someone to hug to just like before 2 years ago.. I felt anxious. 

P.S. I literally reached out for my laptop as soon as I woke up to put it on here asap cause i know i`ll forget about the details after a few minutes lol

[datingadviceonreddit]

First post on Reddit. Figured I'd try and make it a good one. This is going to be pretty long, so stay with me. I'll try and not bore you to death. No promises though. You've been warned.IntroTo give you, the readers, an idea of my background and where I'm coming from. Also human beings are inherently curious, right? :PSo I'm 35, a college student (an even longer story haha), single and never been in a what you folks call an LTR. Or hooked up (I'll get to that later). At this point I'm sure a lot of people are wonder wtf is wrong with this guy. Did I get hit with the ugly stick? Do I have a hunched back?Resemble Emperor Palpatine after playing with too many matches as a child? ....Afaik, nothing. Actually got a lot of positive comments from a multitude of people, although that's always subjective. I workout around 6x a week so keep myself in a good, physical condition. I'm not a big guy, but athletic sure. I still play football (soccer), love to read, play music, speak 5 languages, into computers, science, gaming and NOT socially awkward. Bit of a mix I guess. I can talk to people no problem, even women. Had to learn that whilst working at a Laser Tag center in my late teens/early adulthood (best job ever). There just has to be a connection and until recently, never had that. They say that life works in mysterious ways. Uhuh.So, with that out of the way, I've been lurking for a long, long time and reading each post and all the topics in a lot of relevant forums in the aftermath of my recent connection (Dating, Dating_Advice, Relationships, AskMen, Toughlove, Redpill etc...). There are some great stories on here, but a lot of depressing ones too. A modern phenomenon seems to be Ghosting. The majority of people would rather have honesty, as hurtful as that is, it's infinitely better than wondering wtf and being left in the dark. It would also enable people to grow and move on. At least those capable of some intelligence. Life after all, is an ever-continuous learning experience. On the flip side of this, some people cannot handle the truth (as seen on the NceGuy subreddit).History of my 'dating'I'm not totally clueless you know, so here goes:Primary school:Chased a girl for a while and at one point got a "Would you be my boyfriend Yes/No Tick box thing'. Just don't tell anyone (haha). Later on at one point I did tell people, so I fucked it up. Still a fond memory.Temporary primary school (just moved country, 12yrs old,.finished primary school back home, but new country, new language.....had to wait for new school year to go to an International school)There was this girl that I found immensely attractive. I went to the shops and bought a single, red rose. Placed it on her desk during break time. Yes everyone knew who it was from and no, she didn't reciprocate. Was a nice gesture though.High school:I guess around 14-15 at this time. On a school trip abroad this one girl caught my eye. Couldn't stop thinking about her. Back at school I did my research and found out in which class she was in (each class had a classbook, with records of students and to keep attendance) and left her a note. If I recall correctly, I even smooth talked her address from a school administrator and sent her a bouqet of flowers. Not bad for that age, right? Things did escalate from there and during a lunch break there she was, with her friends, all started giggling when I walked outside. I approached and started talking and it went from there. Since this was the 90s we spent hours talking on the home phone and even came to my place. One memory of that was when I rode her home (bikes) and we stayed at the halfway point for hours just talking and being playful (my mom called the police on me wondering where I was, because I didn't do shit like that, just my siser). It never escalated to kissing though, as much as I wanted to. One thing that stuck in my mind was she had a history of being abused, so with that in your head you want to proceed carefully. I wasn't stupid. Inexperienced sure. How do you deal with something like that? I suppose that's one of life's regrets. What if? What could have been?High school 2Different school, just going up in the system. So there's this really really cute girl and just happens to be best friends with one of my female classmates. At one point a friend of mine started dating this classmate and I got them to put in some good words for me (Networking people, this shit is legit). So, we started hanging out, doing stuff. After school, at the park etc. Lots of kissing (wasn't me escalating, trust me). Anyhow at one point as you do at school, you invite people over for a small party/gathering. My parents are divorced, mom lived elsewhere and dad was away most of the time (work). So the house is mine. I'm 18 at this point so it's all fine. Soaking rain, met the group outside, came in etc and this girl is all wet and needed a change of clothes so she put on a tracksuit of mine. Everyone had been drinking so all good. Kindof. So we're getting hot and heavy on the couch (the group is still sitting around the table haha....no shame :P) and at one point I put my hands down her pants.....but.....BUT.....this goes on in my head "oh wait because she's been drinking I must not take advantage of her" so I didn't. She then leads me to my bedroom and we start making out on the bed, but because I was a dumb motherfucker back then I didn't escalate it (so we wen't back downstairs again). The signs were obvious, but inexperience on my part and being too 'nice' and 'gentlemanly' about it....le sigh.This was my one and only chance so far (cry) to get laid. The relationship lasted about....3-4 weeks? In retrospect I learned a lot and the fact that there are different women out there with different wants and needs. The irony of that is how different my life might have been. Maybe somewhere in a parallell universe I wasn't that dumb...And thus ends my 'dating' history, as short as it was, for the next two decades. It's odd I suppose. In the years I followed before going back to college I was working in the entertainment industry. Bars, clubs etc. Working behind the bar was really really awesome. Not just working well with your colleagues and having fun (still hard work), but interacting with the customers. Unfortunately I was never, and still not, a 'player'. I'm just me. So no 'barman hooked up with...' stories etc. No panties being thrown in my direction for free drinks...So basically that was my life. Eventually moved to an IT/logistics job, still played football, still went to the gym, still played computer games, still did my music. Then at one point I decided fuck it, and went back to college.Fast forward to nowSo I'm at the end stage of my Bachelors and it's Koningsnacht here in NL. My smartphone is tucked away in my drawer and I use Whatsapp via Bluestacks on the PC. Just easier that way. Some of my football mates are in town at the Irish Pub and I go down to meet them. I get there and they are gone. Shit. No smartphone, no way to contact them, and ofc didn't put their numbers in my flipphone. Derp. I get pissed off and go back home, figured fuck it, just as well, don't want to drink and get drunk anyhow. I did fire up my PC again and find out where they were. At this point I'm debating, because usually when I go back bad things happens (drink too much, massive hangover) but #YOLO, right? So back I go.The night was great, went to a few bars (four of us) and had a blast. I did NOT go out expecting to meet anyone. The last place we went to was a club open till 4am. Ordered some interesting mixes and had fun........and there she was. Ironically a mate of my mine was talking to the pair and I overheard where they were from and English being spoken, so I went in and took over the conversation (sorry mate). I connected with this girl from the start. Started talking about music and we had a passion for similar stuff. We moved to the side and talked all night and exchanged numbers there and then. When the place had to close I helped her get her coat and walked her home (was a fair walk, 30min easy). Her friend also had a guy with her but was busy doing her own thing. That night we ended up talking till 7am. She made some great tea with some moonshine which was at least 60%++ and just enjoyed each others company I guess. It only ended when her friend was tired and wanted to go to sleep, haha. So bade our farewells....we both went outside and she was worried for me about the rain, but being a footballer it was only a slight drizzle and it was fine. Was nice of her though. Didn't kiss her ( I wanted to, trust me), but the whole 3 kisses on the cheek thing and rode off into the sunrise...Texted her the next day and set up a date. Went on around 4 dates after that and they all went really well. We talked a lot and had fun. You just know something is right when you can communicate without any pressure. No nonsense, just getting to know each other. There wasn't non stop texting, but she'd text me ask me how my weekend was etc. After a night out that she had originally planned with her friends ( I was welcomed to come along, didn't pressure her, but she said "Well if they have issues with it (me coming along) then they aren't my friends anymore" So that was a positive reaction. She ended up coming an hour later, cause they were drinking at home first :P but we ended up again talking non stop and her friends backed off and eventually buggered off elsewhere...... At the end of that (3rd date) I walked her to her bike and made my move, slowly, slowly and we kissed. There's no feeling like that connection. Electric. And we made plans to see each other again on Sunday (this was Friday).On that date I met her where she parks her bike, kissed her and we went through town holding hands (I initiated). Took her to various places, walk through the park etc. At other points where we weren't holding hands or couldn't, she'd grab mine, so that was a good sign I thought. Things were looking up. Again ended with me taking her home, kissing. She did warn me that the following week she'd be busy (exam coming up, internship). Fair play, I'm a student myself so I know how that works. Not a problem. She'd let me know when she'd have time. People have their own lives too.Next day (Monday). Evening, around 10pm, I was already in bed, smartphone on the table....yes I had finally found a use for it.....and there's this thunderstorm going. Always enjoyed a good storm, great for getting to sleep. I get a text.....from her........saying how she enjoys thunderstorms etc (as Gibbs would say, there's no such thing as coincidence) and we flirt. I replied along the lines of how I enjoy them as well and "There's only one thing missing wink"But. Tuesday. This is where shit gets (Un)real.Because she has this exam coming up, I get it in my head to drop off a box of chocolates where she lives (as fate would have it, 10s away from where I play football....) so she has something nice to snack on whilst she's studying. I do the same behind my PC. Now, the day before she had mentioned chocolates so that's how it popped into my head. These weren't bonbons, nor anything even romantic I thought. Just a box of Jaffa Cakes that my grandma had brought over when she visted. You cannot buy them here in NL and these were my only box (goddamnit). I wrote a note to it attesting to the fac tthat these were to help her study and that her friend could have some too if she behaved. So a friendly, cheeky note, right?Tuesday evening came about. Nothing. No word. I mean, I knew it was a risk leaving the bag hanging on the door. I dropped them off on my way to the gym after all. So I asked her. She didn't get them. Shit. Someone must have stolen them. Motherf*****s. Probably some punk ass kid. Anyhow I wrote a text as such....about an hour or two later I got a somewhat scathing message back "You shouldn't have bothered cuz I won't have time for you this week etc etc etc" Woah. WTF? I knew from that moment that something was up, but she did warn me she'd be busy. I was Alright, you warned me, gl with the exam, let me know when you have time" and didn't contact her again.Few days later she contacted me thanking me for the chocolates and that another house guest had brought the bag in, but that the following week she'd be busy too with her final internship report and had already planned a weekend away with her BFF (female). Again I fired off an ok, have fun, let me know"8 days passed, no word. This is where I learned from Reddit about Ghosting. I thought shit, I'm being ghosted. No idea why. The chocolates? Really? Fuck man everyone loves chocolates, right? ShitAt the point it's feeling like a huge kick in the balls. Like someone just dropped a thermonuclear device on my ass. However, instead of pussying around I decided enough was enough. I'm taking control of my life once and for all. I've always been athletic, but started going hard at the gym. Everyday. Sometimes twice a day. Got my place sorted out, cleaned it from top to bottom. Every nook and cranny. Threw out all my old shit I didn't need anymore (still had computer mags from 1996+) and old electronics. Everything went. Everything was spotless.I even bought two new books. Modern Romance by Aziz Anshari (funny as fuck, highly recommend) and The Game (recommended by a friend). This last book is really weird though.However. 8 days came around and I did the hardest thing I've ever done in a long time. I removed her from my contacts. Broke my heart, but had to be done. Didn't really sleep that night. Very early morning I was still awake and thinking. Fuck it, fuck the rules. Who imposed these bullshit rules anyhow? I'll break them (Thanks Arnold) I'll send a final message. And being the sometimes-too-smart IT geek I am....figured her phone number might still be located in my flipphone. So switched simcards and lo and behold, there it was. Back on the smartphone I fired off a long message. Basically came down to how I enjoyed the time we spent together, regardless of the outcome. Wished her well and didn't expect any response.At the end of the day I got a response. She apologised and said she'd chickened out, how the chocolates scared her off and wasn't sure where this was heading.However, I was a great guy and she enjoyed the company. She needed time and wasn't ready for a commitment. I responded again thanked her for being brave in sending the msg and honest (well she could have kept her mouth shut, so have to give her credit). All we ever want is honesty, as much as it might suck. I did say my intentions were honourable but respected her decision. Wished her well and left with if she ever wanted to talk or grab a drink she knew where to find me.So that ends that chapter.In retrospect, the red flag during our dates was that she mentioned her ex a few times (pothead, he dumped her apparantly, didn't ask why). I should have carefully poked and prodded and found out when the relationship ended I suppose. I guess it was recent and/or other things were at play still. She had basically come to this country with him and I'll assume they were together for a while and had plans. Just a guess on my part.The days that followed were extremely hard. At times I didn't want to get out of bed. My gym time sucked balls. Couldn't concentrate, couldn't finish my routines. Gah. Then you know it's bad. Basically you just want things to end or just be swallowed up. I did a lot of ranting and raving at my mates online and they listened, had advice, as hard as it was. So appreciate all the shit I put them through (they know who they are). As Freddy put it: The Show Must Go On.It didn't end there. Oh no. Being the total dumbass I am I left her number in my phone. Two weeks after the fact I was somewhat back to normal (not really, but relatively speaking). Was going to go to the pub with a friend but he cancelled at the last minute. I figured fuck it. I'm 35, good looking, fuck sitting at home wallowing in misery I'll go out and have fun. Talk to people. This I did, up to a point. I ended up at the same place I met her. At first it was fine, busier than normal, good music, lots of good looking women around. I did contemplate at one point going up to speak to some but was in a good place at that point and just enjoyed the surroundings.ButThe alcohol started kicking in. I realised that I really didn't want to speak to anyone else and just had one person on my mind (fuck...you know where this is going). I bust out the phone and fired off a long message. In my defense, I still had some things left to say and like Rocky in Rocky Balboa (6) I had to get it out of my system. She actually responded right away (this was after midnight) and she was glad I understood, but she was confused and needed to be alone for a while etc. I responded to that (how I thought she shouldn't think that, she is a beautfful, intelligent and fun person to be with) yadeyadah. I did mean every word. I don't bullshit.In the morning I did apologise for being an annoying, dumb fuck and wouldn't bother her again and wished her well on her vacation.So there you have it Reddit. My story. If you've read all of this then fuck me you deserve a cookie. At the very least a strong drink probably.So to all of you posting how you are 18, 25 or whatever age and still haven't been laid. Trust me, things could be worse. You could be me, hahahaha. (I had my shot at 18 :P) But there's no right age either. And don't force it. I've thought plenty of times about casual hookups, or even paid services. But that's not me and never will be. Yes I've also tried online dating, but never clicked with me. I just have to keep moving forward with my own life. It's not easy though. No human being should ever be alone and as you get older, it sucks even more. You just have to keep at it.Worst part of this story is, I still think about her. Everyday. As much as I try and get her out of my frikking system, I'll be lying on a bench doing flys, or pullups on the bar and she'll pop into my head. You know how annoying that shit is? Even trying to follow The Rock's advice "FOCUS!" doesn't help. But what can a guy do ? (get laid? Thanks Reddit, very funny).On the positive side, I'm even more motivated at the gym than ever before and I stopped caring about computer games. Once I realised that I thought the End Times are truly here. Some things are more important in pursuing though. And talking is good. Don't keep shit bottled up inside, even if you have to make a Reddit post. via /r/dating_advice

[glitter-luigi]

hey are you doing okay? i'm sorry you're feeling upset you're a good person you don't deserve to feel bad

ive been ben so depressed the past few weeks that i did nothing all holiday season but sleep and the entire time my family constantly shat on me for it because i wasn't contributing to the family. as my dad out it "you don't do any fucking thing and then when you do get up everything you do is shit". there was no point in getting up tho because my parents were both off of work for weeks and even though i love them with all my heart they are not supportive of me when it comes to certain things. so i couldn't play guitar or sing or do anything artistic because my mom insists on a pristine house all season and plays loud music from sun up till 2am. between that and dealing with extended family my autistic ass would be miserable anyway. but on top of being miserable, i have to deal with flares in my bipolar depression, loneliness, dysphoria, relationship problems, stress from worrying about confidential situations involving someone extremely close to me, and God damn SAD, which is just the fucking worst. the only break i got for three weeks was when everyone left for different reasons and i got to go upstairs and dance around naked to YES and the cars while painting and basking in the glow of a special light to treat the SAD. so two nights ago i woke up at 11 pm or so and ended up getting into a fight with my wife over text because im genuinely terrible and want to fucking die. then around 4am yesterday i dragged my atrophic aching piece of shit body to the kitchen and started to eat something which i hadn't done in days.this is the time my dad gets up for work. and for some reason he just.. he just comes down stairs and just screams and attacks and insults me for 20 fucking minutes about what a piece of shit i am and how i don't deserve to be alive let alone have a roof over my head because i can't get a job and sleep all day and am sarcastic and told him that my sister had just let the dogs in before he got up when he told me to let them out (which was a variable fact) because all i want to do his eat HIS food or something. and i have already been self harming at that point in the day because i literally want to fucking die my guy. so i was like fuck it ill kill myself then if i'm such a fucking bother and then my mom came home and was like wtf cause my wife told her it was suicidal again (tho idk if it counts as again if it's really just been more or less a constant aspect of your personality for ten years). and then she left for work and then i just kinda blanked out while fucking with audio programs and instruments and by 2pm that afternoon i had finished an entire album of music that i will link to onto here at some point. today i started taking a bath at noon and various ordeals made me keep having to get out and in and i didn't get to finish up till after 3. and that's all ive done save for make a stupid snapchat story which you should totally watch by adding me (dudhead15). it's been a messy few days.