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[lost25yearold]

My old self

So I'm writing this alone in our apartment with my husband, 30 years old and unemployed.

So its 2023 now self and I'm still discovering new revelations about myself, about behaviour, environment and relationships.

I am telling you self, you are not in the happiest situation right now. Life has been good and harsh with you at the same year, 2022.

I almost gave up on the thought that I'd be with the person that I love, and being stuck in a place where I am constantly being beaten up by myself and my thoughts.

You keep telling yourself that this is only "temporary" but for how long you ask? In all your young and prime years, you have been strong, assured and confident on the decisions on you make, but you didn't foresee that it is different if you are married and with partner already.

This is the lowest that you have reached in your life, financially and mentally. Not only that but you yourself know that your health is depleting, which means its getting bad.

I sometimes wonder is it okay to question myself if I really chose the right thing? Why did I do this? What were the things I was thinking to have succumbed this experience? Am I loving my partner too much? Too much that I have forgotten a little bit of myself?

But always remember that no matter what pain you are in right now, you still managed to fight. To fight whatever ounce of dignity you have.

Never in your life that you felt so insulted, belittled, swallowed your pride to please the people in your life together with your partner's family, but you still manage to smile and hide those pain even though it hurts already.

Writing this made you realize that in life, you areally are lonely and you wish you can just hug your ownself because nobody will do that.

Your partner is incredible but you cannot ask him much more cause even him are in the same boat with you.

You have indulged yourself in substances just to manage to get through the days without worrying, crying, and passing out. You don't know when you are really going to get a heart attack and die because damn cannot afford any medical check up or medicine.

The only strength you are holding is the promises, your partner, family and friends, and most of all not giving up on yourself.

Remember that I love you! So so much.

January 13, 2023 10:21pm

[lost25yearold]

Exhausted and Tired

As I get older, I get to realize that "rest" is always important for people who are trying and always burning engines to live life to the fullest. I left writing for a while since life has been hectic at some point and I've forgotten the euphoria I would get coming from it. I made this vlog when I was 25 years and 3 years had passed, becoming 28 turned my life 360 since I had to deal with adult problems, like work, bills, life, wanting a future and a family.

It was already hard but it became harder especially Covid-19 has started a pandemic. Boundaries closed and gotten restrictive that it is making it harder to cross bridges. Depression and anxiety have gotten me nowhere by wasting my nights and days sleeping through it and not dealing with it. It became very hard for me to understand simple things and enjoy the things that I used to like.

It gotten to a point where I wanted to kill myself and just get over with it. I thought of asking help from friends but I couldn't bare the thought of having someone to be in burden because of me. I even thought of seeking medical help since it had gotten worse and worse day by day.

I destroyed my relationship with the people I love because I went to solitary and I needed to forgive and understand myself first.

I needed to get out. I needed to look for ways to save myself from that misery. When I was given an open door, a chance to leave the house and be somewhere else, I took it without any hesitation. It only took me 3 days to give away almost all of my stuff, packed my bags and left without saying anything. I didn't have that usual "Goodbye" from my family as I just left with my suitcase, RTPCR test, my papers and my life.

I was planning and hoping that after a few months I'd be able to fly away from the country and finally be with my life partner. We had already filed for papers for more than a year already but still gotten stuck at National Visa Center (NVC) like most other filipinas who are away from the person they love. I haven't seen him for more than 2 years already since the pandemic struck and it had gotten harder by the minute. The old me would have assumed that things would never work or it would end up with separation since it had gotten too long for us to feel each other but regardless of the challenges that we are facing and the mini fights that we have, we still manage to push through and fight together against the problem.

Through it all, I am still thankful that I manage to receive little blessings, having a stable job, having to manage a restobar owned by my friend which has this amazing seaside view that I have longed for in quite a while. And today another blessing having to graduate my Masters in Business Administration and builing myself up professionally. I may not be lucky with family and some situation, but I am still amazed how God would give me blessings that are so unpredictable and he willingly gives it to me.

[lost25yearold]

Shit I should have done way back.

Hello. Its 8:03AM and I just had that last taste and stench of coffee that wouldn’t go away, but no one is complaining; stuck in a hotel room by myself for 7 days for my thesis defense for my undergraduate Bachelors Degree.  For the journey for finishing my degree, it feels like I’m always stuck on a small boat on a vast ocean, just sailing away, not freely, but sailing off my butt with my anxiety trying to attack me when it has the chance to. I am still in question if I really want this, or I really need this or what outcome will I get from this. I feel like my decisions and plans are always half baked or half coffee and half cream, that leaves me procrastinating a lot.

I always have that nagging voice behind my back that keeps taunting me saying, “if you could’ve just listened to me and finish school, you wouldn’t have a problem like this”, I am a pretty stubborn person and yes I do admit that I chose to see the world rather than living how norms should be followed by regular society. I wish I was younger and had that same burning desire and passion on everything that I do and just face the world with excitement; but when I got older, I guess all the spark is starting to fade; not because “I’m old” (shouldn’t be a reason) but when I had that journey, I have been faced with millions of criticisms and people putting me down, getting old got me wise, wise enough not to do the same mistakes and put myself into embarrassment just because I was naive and young. But, it actually got me into a place where I try to put up the wall and the rules and stop myself from actually being vibrant and imaginative just because I got wise(?) per se; and it made me realize that I wasn’t living my life anymore. I contained myself in the box just so that people would stop criticizing me and I was actually living their own perception and not my own life. People should really see that society will always be having something to say, invited or uninvited and we shouldn’t really listen to them unless we want to because they are only there to ruin and break down our confidence instead of building it up. 

Going back to my journey, my fiancee was, is and will be my solid rock in my life. Living life, I never intend to depend on a man; except for my Dad, but with Vicente it just made my life easier and stable. Stable because I, myself couldn’t keep my boat and I have lived my life wobbling through my anxieties and people see me so polished that they think I never needed help. 

I trained myself not to lean on a man, because I can do what a man does, but Vicente just broke all that. I couldn’t even fathom that I am asking him for financial support which is the most embarrassing that I can do in my life, but I was desperate and he is the only one who offered me a hand; my family didn’t even. And for that I am more than (very) thankful for him. 

Now I sit my butt off, in the hotel writing this; waiting for 2 days until my big defense, just trying to keep myself relax and prepared at the same time.  Waiting for my bibu to wake up. Lol. 

Ciao~ 

[lost25yearold]

Missed Period

I guess the title says it all already, although I have missed my period for 5 days now I still haven’t got the idea of taking a pregnancy test cause I’m still hoping for my uterus to bleed, LOL but at the back of my mind there is also a thought that I would want this bad, just shows that I am capable to bear a child. 

Growing up, I always had a fear of not bearing a child because I was diagnosed with Polycstic Ovarian Syndrome in a very young age. I did manage to control it and the last time I had my check up, both ovaries are well and running. 

Even though I have managed to live with PCOS there will always be that fear and even though I am not stable financially yet and still finishing college, versus to the fear of not being able to give a child to my boyfriend, I’d take that chance. I know along the way I can get through those problems not having a house yet and a career but being able not to bear, thats permanent. 

So I don’t know, lets see how it goes, but I’m both excited and scared, but good scared feel. 

:) 

[lost25yearold]

Colored Man

Before I allow myself to fall in, there were complications and problems that we encountered. Remember how a crowd can put you in a situation where you never asked, and never cared about their opinion, to err is human, and I’m just human after all, it gotten into my nerves.  There are people and supervisors that would give me shade that I’m only after him for his status, for the mother fucking GREEN CARD. Believe me or not, honestly, I didn’t see him in any color at all. No status, no citizenship BS, and no in betweens, I just saw him as who he is. With that thought in mind, I couldn’t help but feel heart broken, I never knew that loving someone can need a crowd’s approval, I’m like fuck that, I don’t want to be put in a situation where I am judged by whatever decision I would make, and I wouldn’t want to be ruined and be thrown stones at, I decided not to go on.

I wished to live a life where I do not have anything to do with anybody and being put in that kind of hot seat. I politely told him about my decision and I never thought that I could get my heart broken more with watching him heart broken than how heavy the crowd had judged me. He told me to give this a chance and he would talk to the people that says those horrible things, he said that he will not let this go just because of what people think (pretty stubborn, but I couldn’t be more thankful), he made a point to those people and I also told them what I think, I told them that they should really mind their own F business. 

I talked to Kuya Arnold about that problem, and he made me realize, “Inday, you cannot really tell people what to believe and what not to believe, people are always ALWAYS going to be judging you no matter what, its inevitable. You just let them judge away with whatever nonsense they can think about and just prove to them that you are not like the way they think you are. 

Struck me. Trust me. It did. 

Up to this point, I still cannot feel so insecure that people would always have this look that I am using him for his status, and it feels like shit, but one thing is for sure, that his family does not think of me like that, maybe some close family give me that look, but being assured with his words what matters most.  

[lost25yearold]

My little island called Saipan

I know I know, I said this blog wouldn't be about love and romance, cliches and whatnot, but Hey! it's my life so.

I used to question people, "can you really call someone the love of your life? Can there still be people capable to be honest and loyal in this generation?" I had my fair share of flings too and got my heart broken a few times as well, but among that hateful phase I had, I never stayed angry about my exes, and I never questioned my capabilities and insecurities, there is definitely nothing wrong with me if I was just honest and faithful, but having those experiences would really question yourself, the quality of the person, as well as if "humanity" still exists.

Anyway, let me tell you about my journey that happened in the summer of '17. I was messaged by an old agent if I wanted to go to Saipan, MP for free and no charge, and at that time, I was enrolled back to school after how I aforementioned failed my experience with working in the cruise ship, I was lost for a year not knowing what to do and how to do stuff anymore so I went back to school. Mainly, I went back to school because my grandma really wants me to go back and I have something going on progressive while I'm on a break. I've always saw myself as making every time and moment worth, like I could never just sit back and relax, even though I would lie down, my mind is always looking for something that I need to do and want to do. While going back to school my grandmother gave me a job to look over the apartment business, and take care of the household, but bottom line is, I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t fulfilling what I want in life, but what did I really want in life?  So I did took the opportunity, I got the interview while I was going to Cebu and so I invited my bestfriend Tess, and how unexpected everything is because the interview was held on a phone, on a slow data and also in a public cafe, we had to be resourceful right? 

Well we passed. We met the Director of Human Resource for Kensington Hotel, she was nice online and she gave us ideas on how this will work, quite to be honest, I was still half-hearted in taking the job, I didn’t even tell Dad and grandma that I had an interview.  Anyway, I pushed that thought at the back just because I was meeting my other friend Kriza, for “Life Dance”. Its an outdoor party where it was held privately despite it an open party, there were cars, drinks, booze everywhere and I’m pretty sure there are also drugs. Before I forgot what happened at that night, we got really wasted on rum, tequila, beer and who knows what went into that night. After I semi blacked out, thats when we walked towards the concert, while I was almost passing out, I saw smiles on strangers I could never see in a normal environment. People were just letting go of everything, their problems, their insecurities and everyone’s guards. --- I wouldn’t want to talk about what happened to that party.  Moving forward, I still haven’t enrolled myself to school for the 2nd semester because I was still half-hearted and gotten Mama and Dad curious if I’m still going to continue going to school; so I told them. They were happy and supportive of me but I can tell still that they got hurt on what I did, not telling them and also leaving them.

So me and Tess went to Manila for the Embassy and got our visas granted, I might suppose to tell you guys that I do have this personality that if I do not know or understand how my feelings intend me to feel, I shut people out, I shut everything out, I even shut myself out. I put myself into auto-pilot mode until I figure out what I should do, or until everything comes into place for me. I didn't really tell people about my new adventure because like I said, I wouldn't know how to handle their feelings and expectations for me. So the night came where my Dad and Grandma drove me to the pier for me to say goodbye, really hurt to the point that my ears were so red and hot, the last time I felt that when I had my heart broken by an ex. I know they were also trying hard to hide their tears and I try to avoid so hard to look at their eyes or else I would let go and cry like a baby. So I just hugged them so hard, kissed them on their cheeks, and wave them goodbye; the overnight trip to Cebu was so unbearable so I hid under the sheets and I cried.

The next days by myself in my hotel room, I just try to spend the remaining time with my friends Marc and Kriza just to avoid being alone. On the night to the airport, my friend Kriza offered me to stay in their house before she drops me to the airport, said my good bye and thank you's and I went inside those doors.

While waiting for my friend, I went to a cafe and just spend time with myself with coffee and reading some stuff online, a random stranger just went to me and offered me if he can buy me a drink. He was old, innocent enough and I guess he just wanted someone to talk to while he was still waiting for his flight, I politely declined his offer and told him I'm okay with my coffee and just waiting on my flight as well. He was very persistent in making small talks, so I stopped looking at my phone and told myself, what the hell, how can small conversation with this stranger possibly harm me in a public airport. So we just talked about him being here in the country visiting and checking up on his businesses here, how he would rather travel back and forth here in the country rather than him staying all alone in his house. I thought to myself, this old guy is lonely but he just try to live his life as possible as he could rather than being self-loathing and hateful. I had a good time talking to this guy until my time to check in came, we said our goodbyes and goodlucks, I thought to myself, will I ever see this guy again?

Tess came in drunk and forgot she had no money in her wallet for the terminal fee's and stuff, good thing I always bring extra cash with me just in case I got hungry or get something on a layover. So I let her borrow money and we got ourselves settled in, our first flight was to Korea and had a layover for a day, so I haven't had slept, she is sporting a hangover, adventure right? Korea has a good tourism system, where they would invite people who has layovers free tourism to see the beauty of Korea. I been to Korea clueless, cause obviously not really a fan, so why the hell not? While my friends are oggling on me, how lucky I got to be in Korea for free and not having any clue and not having any single care about the country, and them wanting to switch places. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against the country, it's beautiful, it's just not my cup of tea.

Wearing 2 year old jacket that never been laundry, I had my fair share of sneezing plus the country's weather is not helping as well. Spring.

Korea is nice and everything, but half sick, no sleep doesn't really help me enjoying the environment.

So we arrived in Saipan the next day, 3 in the morning, having a guy escort us to the dorm, really surprised us how nice their dormitories are, so I told myself not bad. We were asked to come in at 8am the same day, we get to meet the HR people, while trying so hard to be awake, good thing they let us off early to just sleep in for the day.

The next day, they gave us a tour and a little bit orientation, when we entered the kitchen, its okay I guess, not too big not too small. Met some of the people and the chefs. We felt like fresh faces and new puppies for them to give us hard time, but I knew how the kitchen works with men running it.

By the afternoon, they put us to work, I was put in hot kitchen, PM shift, and thats when I get to meet them. The one that talked to me first was Chef Anthony, he is Samoan, but really have an accent from the States, he was in the army too so imagine him shouting a lot but he is nice to me.

Anyway, first thing to do under his care, of course the men are going to come right at you and say their hellos and try to flirt with you, I'm not saying that I am a goddess of beauty, but that's just how the kitchen roles and working with men. Chef Anthony keeps shoo-ing the away too. Anyway, when he put me into some task, he also had his fair share of questions, "like if I have a boyfriend and what not", well I didn't have, so I said no just to make them stop pestering me. It gotten to a point that I got a little bit alienated because people just love asking questions. Anyway, he gotten me into a task to do something and had "someone" to teach me how to cut these meat fritters (kind of), he showed me how to do it, like the size and the cut, but when the executive passed by and saw my work, he told me its wrong. I felt so bad cause I thought that he was trying to put me in trouble and also its the first day of the job, nobody wants a bad impression from the chef. Other filipinos told me to be careful since sometimes these people would put you in trouble just so you won't take their position; that kinda gave HIM a bad impression already. I just shook it off and moved on to another task. The day passed by and the day finished, 10:30pm everybody was about to leave the kitchen, I put my hair down after a long day of work, and again everybody was shocked that I have long hair, I mean, what were they thinking, boy cut? Nope. I kept my hair long and shiny. People offered me ride and stuff, but I kept to myself and politely declined, just going to walk to the dorm, its not that far like maybe 10 min walk. HE on the other hand did offer but it wasn't him who were persistent, it was some of my filipino work mates. Like they're trying to push me to him, they kept on asking to just get in the car with them so they can be dropped off as well (since they live in the same dorm with me) , so I said fine! Just wanna go home, take shower and call it a night. Before that happened, a 10 min drive of constant whoowing. Jesus Christ.

Before I came to Saipan, my mind was only focused on the job, career, and my future. Having relationships and stuff like that never came into my mind and my heart, the last time I made that mistake was in Indiana, and I wouldn't want to go through that turmoil, I told myself.

I guess rumors grow like wild fire, people were cheering him, and telling me stories about him, like I did not even ask anything about him. There were also people giving me negative looks, telling me that I'm only after for a green card status or what not, Jesus Christ, I didn't even want to be on that ride on the first place.

Its just amazing how people or the crowd can put you in a situation where you didn't even asked for, but its inevitable that way I guess. Life is life. Full of joy and bullshit.

Anyway, he keep on flirting with me but not like a jock-flirt-kind of way, but he was so shy and timid, giggly and light to the eyes, but at that moment, all men looked the same for me, PLAYBOY.

I mean he is nice and friendly but I never really wanting to know him, until I made a friend with Kuya Ricardo Tengco, he taught me how the COLD Kitchen works and how living life in Saipan is and how it made him comfortable living there and making it a home, he was sincere and honest. I'd rather have conversations like that than all jokes and nonsense.

Ofcourse I was still missing my family, I try to keep in contact with them but it seems with schedule its hard. There were nights that I just miss them so much that I would cry and couldn't sleep the whole night. I wasn't in the best condition to be flirting and just live life away like that, I was missing my family.

The days passed by, he kept on visiting me in cold kitchen just to get any little chance he can to talk to me, like this one incident where I saw how innocent he really is. He said he was going to get an Inventory Paper, and I was feeling good that day so I flirted back a little, I said, "your head reminds me of a baby", he blushed so hard like a teenage girl, and I could feel his heartbeat in that distance and he accidentally took another paper and just ran out of the kitchen, well he walked out very fast. It still makes me laugh at this moment. Haha! (he did came back and realized that the paper he got was wrong so, he took the right one and walked away fast again)

Like I said, there were sad nights I go through and sleepless moments, but one night, he added me on facebook through Kuya Ricardo. Before I accepted him, Kuya Ric, asked my permission to give him my facebook account cause my account was private and I don't really add people I do not know. I told myself, why  not?

He messaged me, "Hi Ganda" Ewwww! Even at that moment, I still shake at that thought of word, Yuck. Well can't really blame him since he doesn't know the words in filipino, and I guess some of my filipino work mates are just teaching him.

He asked me to hang out with him on his day off, to go to the beach. I told myself, I'm not going out with a stranger by myself. I told him no cause Tess has work. He then asked me what about the next day, well Tess is off so I really don't have any excuse. He brought us to the beach, had some home made food, drinks and water. He really thought about it, from towels and snacks. Tess keep pushing me to him too plenty times. He tries to put his arm around me shyly and just thought this guy is really innocent, something that I admire about him. He gave us tour from grotto, beach, to banzai cliff at the peak of noon time, gave me a migraine too, since I'm not customed to staying under the sun for long cause I burn and my head will hurt. It was nice but it was hot. Lol.

Nights pass by of dropping me to the dorm, to late night messaging, and giving me lunch all the time from outside, his perseverance really gotten into consideration. This guy is really serious. I told him to change shirt after work because he used to go home with a wet tshirt and thats just asking for a pneumonia, the next day he started changing shirt and putting on cologne. He brings me food when I feel sick and hungry at night.

One time I was off and he had school, he asked if he wanted to go out lunch with him, I said I need to get my check first, he said he'll buy me bento and don't worry about it, but I really need to get my check too in HR so we dropped by Kensington first, then we went to a beach behind it and had lunch together. That was the first time I went out with him alone, no Tess. Nothing happened, we just ate lunch and watched the beach. Although it was noon, hot and plenty flies. He was so shy about the flies but I didn't made him feel that I felt disgusted and just ate with him like nothing disgusting flying around. He told me stuff about his ex and his family, his wrestling stories, his fascination about Seahawks and I told him my story that I lived life in Indiana, thus being introduced to Colts and the American culture, and my past there. I briefly told him about my ex, nothing more nothing less, just the stuff that he needs to know, and the reason why I'm not into dating... yet. I told him that I am hesitant in meeting someone new and knowing that I'm going to be a temporary person to his life, I couldn't deal with that.

The time passed by, he dropped me off to the dorm while he had school at 3pm until 7pm. I slept the whole afternoon waking up dizzy and hungry. Tess was outside playing basketball with the boys, so I sat there watched them play, he messaged me what I was up to, and told him just watching the boys and Tess play, he said he'll be coming over.

The dorm mates were so surprised to see him , but he was there. Really showed up, the ex that I dated never did. Never were friendly to my friends but he was different. He really showed up! People were inviting him to play, he said no, but when I asked him to go play, he went. He's never been a basketball guy and I had to see that. Sorry.

The game finished, and I was hoping for him to go home, but he went inside the girls dormitory to drop me off my room, I'm like why? He said he wanted to make sure I'm safe, is he serious? Tess was also being annoying and told him yeah go on inside. So I wasn't sure what to do but I don't want him to be seen in the hallways so I invited him in my room. I didn't know what was going on but we talked about noses and he made an awkward remark and action how birds beak kiss like, and he got close to me, I felt like man this dude is trying hard, he swayed his nose to my nose and he suddenly kissed me. It was weird and awkward but it happened.

He wasn't forceful and I can really see how nervous he got that it made him look like he was about to cry, A for EFFORT right there.

I didn't know that if we are together already or that marks our first day of our relationship but we just continue talking like nothing happened.

The next day, went normal but awkward, our status haven't really been put up to which stage we are in, but eventually he asked when our first day of being together will be, and thats how we became boyfriend and girlfriends, I guess? The coming weeks, he brought me and Tess to meet his family, I felt like my heart is gonna explode because this is going to be new, to be meeting his family, especially his mom. My ex asked me to meet his mom, but it never happened, so I guess this would be the first time I met someone's family for real.

His family was adorable, sweet and kind. I met his Dad, I met his brother, Brandon, I met his Mom, I meet his little girl, Frantaysha. We were in the Pala Pala (like a small gazebo but with banana leaf instead) and we sat down there talk with his mom. Aunty Bonnie was the sweetest Mom I've ever meet, not to sugar coat, but she is, and it made me sad too that I wished I had a mom like her, my mom passed away when I was a little girl so never met her and never saw her aside from the pictures.

Every night since we became together, we would always hang out at PAU PAU beach near the dorm, just so we can be together because men aren't allowed in the girls dorm. On the night of June 25th, I sneaked in his birthday gifts and we waited there until midnight, I gave him his gifts, a watch, seahawks shoes, and an oakley shades, the look on his eyes, the excitement that he showed me, really melted my heart. I am a giving person, and I really appreciate people that would really show how happy and excited and appreciative they are to the things that I give them. He hugged me and he kissed me hard. And at that night, I knew I didn't just made someone happy, but it made me very happy as well.

His birthday came and he invited like the whole clan, when I got there, he grabbed me by the hand along with his little niece, he shouted to everyone to get everyone's attention, he introduced me as his girlfriend, and I probably was so red, surprised and proud (I guess) because no man ever did that to me, EVER! Nobody I met gave a show like that just to introduce someone like me. My heart just exploded and my mind went to bersek, I was so ashamed and but deep inside I was also proud. This MAN just snatched me off of my feet just by doing that. I got to meet his sister, his older brother, the family, the cousins, the whole CLAN I tell you.

He still does that today, he introduces me to his family and friends, as his wife like he is so proud to have me in his life.

I guess God wrapped my "forever" in a small island called Saipan.

[lost25yearold]

Nothing special

Please don’t bore yourself, my blogs will never be special and all those fancy-shmancy editing because I’m lazy and I’m here to reel in my negative energy to these blogs, not adore them.  I don’t know how it went down hill but I always thought that my parents had a better grip on their adulthood, nonetheless their lives.

I always imagined myself to be professional and start settling down by the age of 25 but look where I am in now, broke, unemployed, and bored most of the time.  Don’t get me wrong, I am currently finishing my Bachelor’s Degree in a program that my lazy ass would take, having 5 years work experience into appropriate school credentials, like wtf? What kind of school does that? But good thing is, I did finish 3 years of college so I’m just in the peak of finishing my degree so why the hell not. 

Finishing my degree wasn’t always been in my tumblr list but its always been a plan. I was suppose to finish this last year but I opted to take the opportunity to have a training ship abroad in Saipan. Its a small island that nobody really knows about; but I do now, cause I found the love of my life. (Hold On! This is not about my boyfriend, so carry on)  I have left my Dad and my grandmother who I’ve always felt was so vulnerable and weak. I have given them every ounce of energy and time I have for them like they are my guests, hence I have worked in the Hospitality Industry. I stayed with my family after how I failed my expedition in working in a cruise ship. I still consider that as my greatest downfall, as how proud of a person I was; but looking at the bright side, it made me feel humble as well. So I promised them that give me this one year, and I’ll finish my Degree so I can get a job here in the Philippines to be with them; then again taking this halt in my life have not made me happy and not living.  I am attending school like I said but its been 5 months and I haven’t had any classes given yet, but they said classes were just for formality and all I have to do is focus on my thesis. Its just like paying the school to give me a certification for my Bachelors Degree, that’s how fucked up the system here in the Philippines is. But let me just say that school started at August so, I should still give them credit too; I’m just being impatient and all.  After I got back the Philippines, I never wanted to stay there for long time since I wanted to go look for a job right away cause I couldn’t afford myself living on my own. I always have thought that I could not depend on my parents anymore, but I never felt so betrayed as well, when my grandmother took away her promise; like she’s gonna help me with school and i’ll just take care of rent. I felt so heart broken in my life, my boyfriend at that time just left Philippines too, so I never felt so lonely in my life. My grand mother has an attitude with money so; she’s kinda selfish growing up a problematic kid, but thats her, and I cannot keep a grudge for her bad attitude, and she’s family, but I wouldn’t lie she did hurt me so much. 

So I worked here a little as a call center agent. I never felt so lost at that moment, where I just walked by IT Park to look for a job, like I was just kicking something to somewhere until somebody pointed me to the recruitment center. I didn’t have anybody or no one to push me to go there, or be with me, I just went ahead straight the bullet, answering interview questions like I don’t have anything to lose. After hours of interview, I got the job. 

Of course my problems does not stop there, I felt so ashamed that my best friend, Maritess, the one that I promised to go to school with was not able to qualify for the school program just because she was a year younger. Back in Saipan, I have always pushed her doing the school with me and I’ll help her all the way, just to come here in Philippines given that kind of answer from the administrator.  I was living with her for a while, and I felt so nauseated that I message my friend if I can stay with him for a while, nonetheless sleeping on the floor in their school building. Its not much but he was so accommodating as well. So I slept in the floor for 2 days and when he was out for a date, I was their left alone in a dim building crying out for someone to just get me straight, but I had no one aside from my boyfriend online. It wasn’t enough for the tears to stop. 

I still held my head high not showing to my friend how devastated how I’ve felt, so I transferred to an expensive apartment by myself, using whats left of my savings and by myself. I was dragging around my bags and trying to still steal myself from whats happening. When I was in my apartment, it just worsen how I feel, so empty. I didn’t have anythings, I didn’t even have my own bed sheets and pillows. You might ask, then why I transferred and get the apartment, because my friend couldn’t accommodate me after the weekend had passed, cause his uncle is gonna come and visit, and let me remind you that it is a classroom that I’ve slept in. 

The next day I just push myself to go and buy stuff for the apartment by myself, and dragging around heavy stuff too, considering that its 4 floors high. Even though, I had an apartment to sleep in, I walked around the place like a homeless person. I only eat once a day just to save up money that I have left, considering I even have to buy water.  Aside from that friend who made me stay with him, all of my old classmates and old friends weren’t here to at least even have conversation with them. 

Before I started to follow up my requirements for work, I have looked around for dormitories that would help me save money at least, and I found my old dormitory. I transferred  right away cause it would help me save money regardless of the electricity and water bill. Even if I was so down, I had my friend save me and took over my old apartment even if they didn’t like it. Again, I never felt so ashamed and heart broken.  Going forward with the work requirement, I had to spend extra just because of my back condition. I was also anemic so I had to go see a doctor. How can you be not anemic if you are only eating once a day, and less sleep, I was so bombarded with problems, like one problem to another problem.  That finished, start working 8pm - 4am every day, paid, $250 a month, thats the only  job I can get without having a degree is how supposed to be in the Philippines. Isn’t it sad and unfair? Everyday at work I felt so lost and I couldn’t get my head straight with the training considering that I was so hungry and it was so hard to adjust with the work schedule. All technical training and something that I haven’t touched ever in my life; I felt like I was afloat but I kept forcing myself with out even have the energy anymore, but then again I do not have any more choice, do I?

When I get home, I couldn’t stop thinking about how to pay rent and pay the enrollment fee when I do not have anybody to depend on anymore aside from my patient boyfriend. I honestly thought that my boyfriend would leave me or wouldn’t be able to help me, because thats how of an asshole and negative I am. I mean who could blame me, not all people stay when they are in the worse situations. But he stayed along the troubles of my life, but it was a while when he can help me because of the vacation time he took to come here in Philippines to meet my family. 

[I should put it out there how much I have thought of disappearing and killing myself, just to end everything. But the thought of that just makes me sadder since I have accepted defeat if I do that, thats the lowest of low I can think of myself. But I won’t lie how much I have considered it and every moment I have would always remind me how much down hill my life spiraled down to and to this day, it still makes my eye so teary. ] 

So every afternoon, I pushed myself to go to work and hoping to get a good meal at work before I go work while I sleep the whole morning, meeting new people and classmates.  Despite that, I never felt so lonely anymore, aside from my constant video calls with my boyfriend but I actually had people to talk to. My new classmates (at work). At first I kept to myself, like I really need something or someone come into my life even if how crazy and depressing had it became at the first place, and for some new people it was a little hard to blend in since these are very young people. I’m just right over there in the side trying to observe, even some people are so judgmental, there are also people who are actually nice and they do not care what status you have as long as you’re cool with them.  The first few weeks were so hard since I had to be awake at 12am til 4am, and I catch myself sleeping at training too.  At first I thought everything is gonna look brighter, and it did... for a while. 

While I was working along with the call center job, I got a call from my old Dean. She offered to interview me cause they are looking for a new instructor. By then I felt like God has given me the chance to catch up. I thought that taking that job instead being a call center agent would actually be an advantage since its something that I have experience with; so I made my biggest mistake, I considered.  She invited me to have the demo; so there is one thing I need to do. Quit my current job. Biggest mistake of my life. Seriously had a fight with my boyfriend because he thinks that I should still stay at work while I do that demonstration, which I should’ve have listened to!!! but as confident and proud as I am, I went the other way and told him I needed my full attention to create the demo. As a loving and patient boyfriend he is, he still supported my decision. So I quit my job, earning only like less than $90 and took the freaking resignation.  So there I was prepared to do my demonstration, just to be told that she had an emergency so she had to ask another instructor to sit in for her instead. I did my demonstration and I felt like I did good, even the instructor who watched me said so. I waited and waited and waited, I even offered time to help with my former teachers to kill time to teach and demonstrate for free. I waited until it was my niece's baptism.  I went home and fix the awkwardness between me and my family. Had to confirm to my grand mother that i did not leave Ozamiz just to hide a pregnancy, thats how low they think of me, and had to hold Yana and really see her.  I stayed there for a while, having to play with Yana really made me forget what I went through and how I went through it.  Until ..  Me, my brother and his wife was watching a movie, the Dean just tagged me in facebook for a job opening. She didn’t say anything but I got her point, but I still messaged her confirming what she’s really trying to tell me, and she just said she cannot help me anymore cause she just saved her ass because the Department is falling down because of the K12 program. There were no students enrolling for culinary because of the new school program where freshmen have to take 2 years pre college courses. 

I got so devastated but I think Yana and my boyfriend kept me together. I waited until I got the call for interview and assesment for my schooling. After I did the orientation, I went ahead and applied for jobs, somehow with Tess.  I really thought she wouldn’t go look for jobs since they’re rich and they have business to think about, but with a temporary problem she’s facing with her family, she left their house and went her to Cebu. Day and night we have been together looking for jobs, but as days passed I felt like she’s changing her mind. She felt practical and have to do the business instead since she’s planning to go to Korea, and the only way she can get the visa is with helping her parent’s business. 

So I’m left alone again. 

I had been constantly trying to apply for coffee shops, kitchen, and online jobs and neither one of them actually considered. I failed online tests, I didn’t receive any callbacks and it just gotten me sad but I do not let myself get back to that depression again. I called my boyfriend and I told him I am trying as much as I could and as my resources can help me, he just told me to focus on my schooling and he will help me; but still stubborn me, I cannot let anybody suffer because of me. I needed to help myself as well, but I kept trying, circumstances are just trying to defy my luck. Dad called and he said the same thing, really surprised me. I thought my Dad would be the same as what he was like grandma, but he actually confided me to focus in school instead of pressuring myself to look for jobs that I know I cannot keep for long since I have a thesis thinking about in the future when school really starts for me.  So now I’m right here, doing a blog of my life, how miserable and good it had become but I still feel very lost because I feel like I’m slacking off and I couldn’t really keep myself “chill” because I am always restless. I have always thought that every time is gold, there is something I can always do aside from moping around sleep all day. And it breaks my heart thinking that my boyfriend cannot have what he wants because he is sending me his money to help me as well as Dad helping me along the way, even though he should have saved that money for his retirement.  Thats a lot for me to say and putting myself out vulnerably out there to random strangers who would read this or for my future self to read how stupid and helpless I was when I was younger.  I know I have a lot more worse experience when I was younger, considering how much of a failure I saw myself when I worked in the cruise ship, all my experience, the mental attack, sexual harassment, home sickness, and the embarrassment, but maybe I just thought of this because of how something I tasted so sweet and seen joy in my life in Saipan, spiraled down to how lonely and depressed I have become.  Is this life? 

[lost25yearold]

Introduction

I get a feeling that whenever I start something, I have the need to introduce myself. My name is Madel and I’m 25 years old, other than that, I am broke, I am lost, I am confused and I literally don’t have any direction to go to.  Yes. That is correct. I am in a place and situation that I never imagined myself to be when I was 16. At that time, I was naive but at least I have that burning passion to push myself to the limits where my path would lead me, well at least what I expected it to be. 

How funny it sounds that while I am writing this blog, I am listening to “Natalia Imbruglia’s Torn; cause I am honestly am torn right now. Cliche much? I won’t lie, no matter how much I feel I’m drowning and how self-loathing I have became, writing this blog right here, made me realize that I reached this far without me being homeless or explode like a ticking-time-bomb. I have always find peace in writing out my feelings and my thoughts without even knowing that somebody is ever gonna read this but my future self.  This tumblr account isn’t the only one I had, well cause I deleted the other one. I told myself not to delete that account because I have written something that was a part of me, and it would be nice to be just reading that when I get older; but there are just some things that needs to be buried down the hatchet. 

And look at where it led me, I’m still writing about my problems.  I used to write letters to my mom or my imaginary future self just because I feel like I can talk to them. I can communicate with them. My mom passed away when I was a year old too.  I am 25 years old, overweight, unemployed and dependent.  Eugh! Someone that I do not see myself to be.