#I feel very sick right now.

[see-arcane]

What is there to say?

I am afraid. I am angry.

For the second time this country has shamed itself and put the world in jeopardy from its example. Other monsters will be empowered and run ahead with their own nations. Now, short of a miracle which I do not hold my breath for, we must hold on for four years to see if one of Trump’s infinite ugly promises holds true—will we even get to have a presidential election in the future? Supposing we do, can we even trust that our fellow Americans won’t damn us again?

I am afraid. I am angry.

Sickness and blame boil in me. I did everything I could. I voted, I informed, I pleaded. I know that my friends have too. But the news tells me it was not just the electoral college that failed us, but the popular vote. Which tells me that we live surrounded by more ignorance and hate than I ever expected. We live in a country where eligible voters are steeped in an ideology that aligns enough with the poison of Project 2025 that it makes me fear to trust anyone—anyone—around me ever again. And it makes me wonder, in light of the turnout, how many people stayed at home and simply chose not to vote. Chose not to sully themselves with the effort of choosing the lesser evil. I am looking at you. We are all looking at you. Do you feel smart now? Do you feel superior? Do you plan to pat your back today for ‘teaching them a lesson?’ Do you have a plan to save us? To save the rest of the world from the ripple of this? Tell me you do. I’m listening.

I am afraid. I am angry.

I am not prophesizing doom. But I have a memory that goes back at least eight whole years. I understand the concepts of hindsight and foresight. I know that everything the Republicans say they wish to do to us, they mean to do, and want to do worse. That is the truth. That is who they are and what they want. I know this. I accept this as fact. The stages of grief have been cycled through before, remember? There is no denial. No bargaining. My calluses are still here. They must harden thicker now.

I am afraid. I am angry.

I am thinking, of all things, of cosmic horror. More, cosmic insignificance. I always do in the face of reality’s grandest nightmares. A useless perspective except to give scale to things. I am less than an atom in the sea of space. A fraction of a fraction of a fraction of meat and time and breath on a crumb of mud in a galaxy tucked haphazardly in a corner of an infinity of stars and darkness. My life, like all lives, is a flicker. Barely there. Death is inevitable. I must live like I know it. And to devote myself wholly to horror, even in the face of the unthinkable, is to waste the rest of what I have, what I am. Gods fall from the sky and raise their heads from the sea, and I am still here. Reading. Writing. Breathing. Thinking. Hating.

(“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE THEM SINCE I SAW THE NEWS. THERE WERE 71,071,013 VOTES FOR HIM THIS YEAR. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH OF THOSE BALLOTS IN 8 PT FONT ON BOTH SIDES AND PRINTED AGAIN FROM THE EAST COAST TO THE WEST, IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR MY COUNTRY AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT. FOR THEM. HATE. HATE.”)

I am afraid. I am angry.

Nauseous to find that the first thing I did upon learning the results was look up suicide hotlines. Not for me—I have saved myself too long with fact: Wait long enough, death will come eventually. Do not jump ahead in line.—but for those who I know are afraid enough to overwhelm the anger, to drown out all else, and who are thinking of the next four years and who knows how much longer. I know you’re out there. I know you are looking at the pills in your cupboard, at the veins of your arm, at the black tunnel of the gun. Look away. Look here.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

TrevorLifeline: 1-866-488-7386 (for LGBTQ youth)

Trans Lifeline: 1-877-565-8860 (for the transgender community)

I am afraid. I am angry.

I am alive. Here and now, whether I like it or not. I despair for myself, for my friends, for strangers across the country and the globe who can feel the full and loathsome weight of all this election implies about those around us. Those who hold our lives in their hands and will do all they can to wring them dry in earnest. How did things turn to this? How did it all sink so low, so awful, so venomously backwards against education and empathy? How, how, how? A missing stage of the grieving process: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and Confused disappointment.

I am afraid. I am angry.

The morning is sunless, of course. There will be no light for another hour as I write this. But time is passing. Second by minute by hour. And each micro-instant that accrues in which I am here and myself, existing outside the red mold they want, is another moment that would anger them. To let despair crush and collapse me out of shape, out of life and its facets, is a victory I will not cede to anyone. Least of all to them. I will go on, because I must go on. I will be myself, for that is an affront to all they want from me. I will think and act and make and be for as long and fully as I can. Because fuck them.

I am afraid. I am angry.

I am not alone. I know that too, for the numbers show it. Afraid, angry. But never alone. Neither are you.

I am afraid. I am angry.

I am here. I am holding your hand.

I am afraid. I am angry.

I love you more than I fear anything.

I am afraid. I am angry.

I love you more than I hate anyone.

I am afraid. I am angry.

Let’s go.

[rendevok]

Act I ~ The Prince

A tapestry for Let No One Sleep by @azalawa-scroggs on ao3

[danrifics]

Wait do you actually believe they will hard launch? May I ask you what makes you believe that? (Would love that)

i mean i believe they already have. What dan says in basically in gay about him and phil was a hard launch to me.

but in terms of shifting to a reality where they stop hiding it all together i think we’ll get something after tour and that’s just because when they brought dapg back and the played heart throb again they mention that 2018 they were soft launching being gay and like when you watch videos from 2018 you can see looking back where the soft launches were and in the last year the comments they make about themselves feel very much like 2018 to me but obviously this time the thing to hint about is that they’re a couple and it’s only gotten more obvious to me as the years gone on and to me them making the no seriously imagine it video was the biggest thing to me that oh they’re potentially ready to say something and them making a newly wed game video really solidified it

now obviously i could absolutely be clowning and i know someone’s gonna redirect me back to BIG and say well dan said he wanted to keep things private and yes he does say that but i don’t think we can take what he said in a 5 year old video as what he might feel now especially cos there are a few things he said in that video that he clearly has a different view of now anyway

[baeshijima]

the itoshi brothers through the years ...

[jasperyourmutt]

hi everyone <3

I have a bit of a life update. To make a long story short, last week I was diagnosed with PTSD. I have been having a... very hard time coming to terms with that. For most of my life I believed I just had a bad anxiety disorder, but I am now realizing that is unfortunately not the case. The past couple months I have been in a near constant state of fight or flight, fear, panic, whatever you want to call it- without really realizing it. and man. it has been exhausting, mentally, physically, spiritually. I just thought it was normal to feel like this all the time. i assumed everyone felt like this. my therapist has helped me realize I am in a lot of pain right now and it is not normal. so. the good news is that there is an intensive trauma therapy that I will be doing for the next couple months that is going to really help me recover. i love and trust my therapist with my whole heart. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i am finally getting the help i need. so. unfortunately I am going to step away from tumblr for a bit. i dont really want to do this, i love being on here. i love interacting with all the friends i've made here. kink has become a very important and healing part of my life. but it is just a little too much for me at the moment. I'm not sure when I will return, could be a couple weeks, a couple months. I'll return when I feel right. I feel like this may be a little odd to share here, but it's important to me to acknowledge and share that I have been having a really hard time. i tend to downplay when i'm in pain. i feel like people usually don't care about me (i know this is very very much not the case. im trying to convince my brain of that too.) its really hard for me to tell people when i am struggling, especially in my real life. so i am taking baby steps and starting here. so, until I return- chase your tails for me, roll in the grass, bark at the squirrels. take care of yourselves. if you are struggling, know youre loved. get the help you need. i will be curling up in my dog bed and taking a nap in the sun. ruff ruff. wag wag. much love to all of you.

[tradingjack]

roadside tongari snack break

[bananonbinary]

adhd can be a bitch for a lot of reasons, but i do feel sorry for neurotypicals who can't just enter The Time Warp whenever they're feeling super shitty

[hhmnya]

might quit might not ermmmmm Sorry if i do

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Okay but forreal, now more than ever I desperately NEED Aya to eventually wreck Fyodor's shit somehow. I already wanted her to get her revenge before, but I didn't think Fyodor would even remember or know who she was, and would massively underestimate her for that reason (just like Jouno knew that Fukuchi would underestimate her). But now the story has instead created this twisted, fucked-up dynamic between them, where Fyodor not only knows her, but is protective of her for reasons that are not his own: he has taken the pure, noble, kind, fatherly love motivating Bram to protect Aya and warped it into something horrific, vowing to protect her body only while not caring how much her heart and mind has been scarred, and claiming to be doing it for her own salvation, when he cannot possibly understand the selfless feelings Bram had that made him want to protect her and care for her — feelings that he does not have. He may genuinely have some sort of affection for children (the way he treated Karma, "blessings for the children", this), but it is twisted and hollow and is quite possibly only him unconsciously acting out the motions due to behavior instilled in him from the feelings of all the people he's subsumed in the past.

All this is to say that, now the narrative has specifically pitted Aya and Fyodor together as direct enemies: she not only had reason already to hate him because he killed Bram, but because he's also taken Bram's love for her and defiled it, dishonored it and him and all that he was; meanwhile, Fyodor has given himself an arch nemesis that he no doubt takes great pleasure in seeing how much she hates him/how much despair he's brought her, but paradoxically at the same time feels a compulsion to "protect" her that draws himself to her and that he can't ignore. Aya has to defeat him somehow (not permanently, mind you; Dazai will undoubtedly be his final end), and the setup for Bram being able to fight back enough to stop Fyodor from the inside with her help is all right there, too. Their love for each other is still enduring, stronger than ever, Fyodor is proof of that right now, and they will be able to defeat him together, at least enough that Bram can be freed and come back to Aya. Dazai told Fyodor that he would lose because he doesn't understand and underestimates the power of friendship bonds and love, and there is no better a time for that to happen than here, when he is literally using someone's strong love for and connection with someone (acting as that person and claiming to know how they feel and to be the same as them) in a way that he cannot understand, which will be his undoing.

[snootlestheangel]

SoapGaz

*cracks knuckles* They're definitely idiots to lovers but as in they're idiots and they become lovers, not as in "oblivious to the other's extreme attraction until a climatic moment"

Who was the one to propose? I want it to be Soap so badly but also think it'd be very on brand for them/their relationship if Gaz also proposed. I'm talking like the Spiderman meme where they point at each other when they realize and then they laugh and neither can even say yes, they try to kiss but they're both still laughing too hard. It's just such a beautiful mental image that I have right now :')

Who stressed more over wedding planning? Gaz. Gaz a thousand times over. Soap is experienced with weddings and wedding planning (he has so many in-law siblings and almost all of his cousins his age/older are married.) but Gaz doesn't have any experience with even being at a wedding, much less planning his own.

Who decorated the house? Gaz. He's got style and taste, but he a hundred percent uses a lot of Soap's artwork :)

Who does the cooking? Soap. He was taught and raised well by such a large family that food was just a staple of his upbringing.

Who is more organized? Hot take? Soap is the more organized one. He's a demo expert, yes, but those things are fucking dangerous! He may not be cleaner necessarily, but he knows certain things CANNOT mix, and he got so into the habit of putting things into separate categories that it just carried over into civilian living.

Who suggested kids first? Soap, jokingly. But in terms of who was serious when suggesting it? Gaz. Soap had made a comment about "what if we had one?" while at a MacTavish family event and pointing at a little niece/nephew of his as a joke. Gaz had to play along with it but internally he was flipping out. He brings up the conversation of kids as a serious topic a few weeks later.

Who's the cuddler? Both are very physically affectionate. But in terms of 'must be touching you at all times?' it's Gaz. Soap runs hot I feel like, so especially at night he doesn't really want cuddles but Gaz is like "too bad you're stuck with me >:) "

Who's big spoon/little spoon? Gaz is big spoon at night, but during the day when cuddling on the couch or something it's Soap

What's their favorite non-sexual activity? Museum dates. Gaz is such a little nerd and Soap loves art. Museum dates are perfect for them, cause it's something calm and beautiful, there's an opportunity for Gaz to get a new book or something, and for a desert afterwards.

Who comes home drunk at 3am? I wanna say Soap. He's just such a golden retriever that if a bunch of their friends are hanging out at bars, he's right there with them. Gaz is there, too, but he doesn't usually drink to drunkenness like Soap does.

Who kills the spiders? Gaz. It's not that Soap is afraid of them but he argues that it's best if he and the spider remain on opposite sides of the room. Gaz doesn't give a flying fuck

Who falls asleep first? Depends. If it's during a late-night movie in their flat, it's Soap. Gaz gets too invested in every movie they watch so he can never fall asleep first. But if it's right when they go to bed, it's usually Gaz cause Soap needs to do something like doodle/journal for a bit to calm his mind before he can.

A headcanon: Trying to decide if I want to keep this SFW or just go the nasty route... I'll keep it safe for now. They do pretty much everything together, especially on base. They just love each other's company so much and both thrive off social interaction so it's like a win-win. They'll workout together, they eat together, they go grocery shopping together. They're such an iconic duo it's hard to ignore the fact they're together. ALSO, I fully believe Soap is just whipped for Gaz's smile/laugh (aren't we all?) that he does everything in his power to see it/hear him laugh. Even if Gaz's 'laugh' is just a bunch of wheezing punctuated by laughing sounds, Soap still finds it so beautiful. Anything he can do to make Gaz smile/laugh was worth doing

Do they have any rituals? Gaz is the one with the most rituals, so to speak. He's got a whole skin care routine (that he dragged Soap into), he's got some pretty good oral hygiene. Soap has a whole morning ritual that is far too complicated for Gaz's understanding. It's about how he makes his coffee and it's one of the most bizarre things Gaz has ever witnessed.

Who has the most patience? Probably Gaz. Even though, in the field, they're both patient (they're both snipers and Soap is a demo man, both roles require a lot of physical patience), Soap is pretty short-tempered when it comes to most other things. Like, physically, he's patiently waiting for something, but when you listen to him talking to Gaz, it's just complaining about how bored/impatient he is. It takes a lot to get Gaz genuinely angry at something, which is not to say he's going from 0-100 in these instances. He's definitely showing he's annoyed at everything, but whether he actually acts on it or not is the determining factor of his patience.

A gif that describes their relationship: I actually really like this one. It's just *sighs* I don't know but it's SoapGaz in my heart

[bendoodle]

If one more man in my workplace tries to ask me out i will set the whole place on fire, i don't care anymore. I can't keep doing this over and over. These fucking idiots want to get into the pants of a fucking NPC, the person they work with isn't REAL! THAT'S A MIRROR MADE TO BOUNCE BACK WHATEVER YOU THROW AT IT IN HOPE TO END THE INTERACTION SWIFTLY AND WITHOUT ANY ISSUE. THAT SIMULACRUM OF ME IS THERE TO MAKE MONEY AND THAT'S ALL! NO friendship! NO relationship! You DON'T get to know anything about me! you get a COWORKER! and that's IT!

[vaguely-concerned]

I was just ambushed within the turbulent halls of my own mind by some headcanons about rye ingellvar's childhood that did 15000000 points of psychic damage to me and my heart personally and also made me almost sure of how I want to play it all at the end (very very differently from how I imagined going in!). some 'oh holy fuck this changes everything' rocking my own world bullshit going on in my neurons right now I'm reeling

[theflyingfeeling]

...😭

[mars-ipan]

hi internet friends . i love you. you’re niceys to me and i really appreciate that bc you were not obligated to be. and yet you chose kindness and companionship anyways. that’s very nice of you

[sometimesanequine]

interesting time to have a get too stressed and have your body try to kill you thing going on today, ocean life and ocean ecosystem documentaries save me

[amethystina]

Hey there, so sorry to hear about your loss, and sorry that this year has been so hard on you as a whole. I know nothing I can say will make things better, so I’m just popping by out of the void of the internet to offer you the virtual equivalent of a cup of tea (or other beverage of your choice) ☕️

A few summers ago I lost one of my grandparents, and after what had been a very long day a friend of mine gave me a piece of advice that I’ve yet to forget. “Go home”, she said, “And have a nice hot chocolate, or hot honey and lemon drink. It will fix absolutely nothing, but it will taste good, and even on our worst days, that’s worth something.”

That is to say, I know I say to take care all the time, but I double mean it now. Try not to worry about us too much, and take whatever time you need. 💜

And before you say I don’t have to pop in and say this, I know that! I don’t have to, but I want to, and I can, so there. :)

Thank you so much 💜

I admit that this year has been more of a rollercoaster than I would have liked. I had very high hopes in terms of how much I would write, draw, and do, but a lot of that hasn't been possible with all of the complications I'm facing. And I'm just really, really tired of it because, in many ways, it feels like I keep making excuses. That, surely, people must get tired of hearing about all the tragedies in my life that, supposedly, make me unable to post fics or function like a normal human being. Surely it must be exaggerated.

Which is a terrible thing to say to yourself, by the way — I'm well aware of that. But knowing that doesn't quite stop the thoughts from popping up, unfortunately. My brain is trying to find someone to blame for all this shit and, unfortunately, I'm the closest, most convenient target.

So thank you for sending this ask. It might not fix the loss itself, but it's incredibly comforting — and humbling — to know that there are people out there who care enough about me to send me messages like this. It feels surreal, almost, but in a good way? And I'm just so very grateful.

And I'll keep that advice in mind. It's a very good one — and very true. And I'm so sorry for your loss, too. I lost both of my remaining grandparents back in 2022 and it was rough. Losing someone you love always is.

So I try to be as patient with myself as I can. Which right now means spending the majority of my time reading fanfics, most of them from fandoms that I haven't touched in ten years. I guess I might be looking for something familiar and comforting? So yeah. Lots of reading.

But I also think about you all a lot and wish I could post chapters and such, because I know you all love them and the thought of being able to make others happy when I'm sad is... well, it would be pretty nice, you know? I like making other people happy. It's just how I'm wired.

But, that said, I trust you when you say I don't have to worry too much. And I trust that my readers mean it when they tell me to take things easy and put my health first. And that, too, is something I'm very grateful for. The kindness, patience, and support I get from you all truly is mindblowing.

So I won't say that you don't have to tell me all of this and will instead just thank you for doing so. It means a lot to me and did make me feel a lot better. Thank you 💜