#I feel like talking in tags because I don't want to write another essay

[iamthepulta]

The best thing about Italy and Europe is that linen just- exists here. I can go buy a shitty cheap 100% linen dress like I would go to Fry's and buy a shitty cheap 100% polyester dress in America. Absolutely revolutionary for my wardrobe. I can't actually buy wardrobe enhancements because I have a carry-on suitcase, but the fact I still have the option is amazing.

[kk-iki]

it's been a long time coming, but. . .

enough is enough. i think i've moved in relative silence when it comes to some of the more odd things that occur in this fandom, but one instance in particular is giving me pause. this honestly feels like something better suited for a substack essay, but i'll hold off on that since i think everyone in this specific sub - tumblr ( ? ) should hear this first.

i feel like so much of the call of duty fandom is trapped in a constant woman - hating epidemic.

and i don't just mean 'oh, there's barely any female character x reader content, there's nothing for the girls who like girls'. that's an entirely different issue i may or may not bring up later.

i'm talking about how a good majority of the writing i read in this fandom is so geared towards men. and i don't mean that there's a surplus of male reader content, because there really isn't. i mean that there's so many fics i read that are drenched in the light of 'doe - eyed, pouty, submissive woman who is always eager to please her man, and the idea that the man may be eager to please her in return is such an incredibly radical concept'.

i click on any 'x reader' tag in this fandom, and i'm met with a tidal wave of two specific archetypes;

the doe - eyed, pouty, submissive fem reader who is always eager to please her man and gets off on him essentially treating her like property, or. . .

a reader who has no character. no structure. no personality. a reader who is meant to be vague enough to where the actual reader can neatly insert themselves into their shoes, but at the cost of any innate substance or realness. a reader who is essentially just a placeholder in words.

somehow, inexplicably, it's more often than not the first.

write and read for this fandom long enough, and you'll see what i see in droves. the attention that is lavished on writing within this fandom is relegated to the specific archetype of the tradwife who knows nothing but to cook for her husband and be a willing conduit for his post - deployment stress relief.

and what truly infuriates me the most is that it will be these kinds of writers who are so adamantly against the idea of tradwives. yes, you say you're against it, but can your words hold up when your writing is essentially tradwife propaganda in disguise?

and it just irks me so badly when these mentalities infiltrate the characters themselves. today's specific instance of this was when i was scrolling through the könig x reader tag and i came across this one headcanon list that advertised itself as "loser!könig". nothing innately malicious, of course, but then i saw the tags.

'but also, he's a sucker for the wife, which makes him a loser. say it with me now.'

i want to make it known that i mean no ill intent towards the original author of this specific headcanon list. i don't want any vitriol to be directed at them because i'm speaking my mind about this fandom as a whole. it most likely was meant to be an affectionate, "haha, he's such a malewife loser"-esque endearment. but this set of tags just. . .baffled me.

. . .because when did it become loser - like or a loser - adjacent trait to be a sucker for your wife?

this isn't even the first instance of this. i've seen it before, the way this fandom—sometimes subtly, sometimes unintentionally—pushes this narrative that has been setting us back decades. the idea that there is not only a beauty standard that women must live up to in order to be considered desirable by men, but there is also a mentality that a woman must have in addition.

there's another fic that i read, a 141 x reader one if memory serves me correctly. it featured a reader who was insecure about her appearance, which is absolutely nothing to frown upon. what startled me, though, was the fact that the author themselves referred to the reader as 'ugly'.

the reader is a single mother. she is stated in the fic to have love handles, breakouts, and a thick waist. she has messy hair and wears baggy clothes and has dark undereye circles. she required the love and special attention of four conventionally attractive men who moved in next door in order to feel beautiful.

she is said, by the author in the precluding note, to be meant as a way to 'show some love to readers who feel ugly, instead of petite girly readers'.

as if people with these traits should feel ugly. as if people with these traits cannot be girly.

i understand i may be reading too much into this. i may be making a mountain out of a molehill. but i'm angry about this and this is my blog and you've read this far, so clearly you want to see where this goes.

and this is where it's going.

i spoke about this briefly in a server i'm in and am extremely fond of—shoutout to the shitheads.

i said, quote: "are you nothing but a slave to the whims of a patriarchal society’s dictation on how someone must present in order to be considered desirable? or are you willingly feeding into this at the risk of the self image of so many beautiful people who cannot recognize their own enchanting presences because of people like you howling at them in your sweetest voice that they are anything but?"

i also said: "have you considered the reason for that might be because she’s a recluse and doesn’t go outside apart from making sure her child is getting sufficient vitamin d and is thus making assumptions about what people will think of her on the basis of one bad man’s words to her?"

maybe she doesn't feel ugly because you think the traits she has are ugly. maybe she feels ugly because she doesn't socialize. maybe, instead of just leaving that in the subtext, you should have started with that.

the writer, if i recall correctly, was a woman. by the way. which makes this worse.

it is so difficult for me to understand how the women in this fandom can be so cruel to each other, even implicitly. from the way we're written in reader - insert fics to how we react to each others' ocs and creations. . .it's just so disheartening.

more than anything, it makes me wonder how someone like me—a lesbian who exclusively writes women for women and tries to veer away from the reader and the character falling into any one archetype—is going to find any sort of platform in this fandom.

the bottom line is that there is so much casual misogyny in this fandom. frankly, i'm a little sick of it.

one might think i'm making a big deal out of this. i know. i'm being a killjoy, i'm being a hater, i won't let anyone have any fun. but we need to remember a couple of key points here:

art is always political because there is no way to create something without a modicum of bias.

the politics promoted by the art in this fandom—specifically, the writing—are pushing an agenda that has been consistently used to strip women of their rights and needs for decades.

most of these writers are women themselves.

obviously, there's nothing wrong with a submissive woman. obviously, the characters in call of duty that are most featured in reader - insert content are canonically framed in a lens that makes it seem like they would be the kind of men to only enjoy this kind of woman. obviously, not everyone in this fandom indulges this.

but it occurs enough. and it sets us back.

and i'm sick of it.

thank you for reading this far, and for hearing out what i have to say. i promise i don't do this often—but i also promise that i absolutely should. i love you.

kiki x

[olderthannetfic]

Genuine question: what's the point of writing fanfic? As in, what's the purpose? No one in the fandom I'm in comments on fics and I even got told off by one person for doing so, as it "encourages bad writers and makes them think they're good". So it seems that it's a lot like book writing, where people work hard and are creative, but instead of getting paid and getting comments on the work, you just sit there silently hoping someone will press the kudos button and make a number go up. I feel like that time and work could be better spent on making something you might get some kind of profit off of. Don't get me wrong, I love doodling fanart, but I don't post it, as I'm aware that there's no point to doing so, and while it's a nice way to fill the time on a commute, it's not something that takes me as much time and effort as fanfic does. So... why do people bother? Sometimes I describe ideas I have and people I know in my fandom will tell me I should write it, but I don't see why. I get more interaction from just saying "imagine if [thing here]" than I would by sitting down, writing for hours, editing and posting [thing here], so what would the point be? I'm not punching down or going "haha women and their fanfic lol!", I genuinely do not get what the point is and this blog feels like it might have someone reading who knows the answer.

--

Do you make art for profit? Genuine question.

There's nothing inherently wrong with being motivated primarily by external factors, but it's not actually why a lot of people create things, whether it's books or recipes or doodles in a notepad.

I enjoy the actual process of writing.

I think many people lose sight of that aspect in an era where tons of <500-word fics that are mostly outlines and "Imagine if..." posts get disproportionate attention for being easy to consume. But the satisfaction of doing a bigger art piece and doing it right is real and motivates a hell of a lot of creation.

I suppose you might be thinking "Okay, but why not just write it alone and never post?", but I like sharing. Showing off my finished creation is part of the joy, and sharing with other people like me is too. But those aren't quite the same thing as worrying about kudos. It's like dressing nicely when you leave the house because you feel great when you know you look good vs. needing another person to tell you you look good.

To be honest, though, this type of feeling has grown in me the better I've gotten at a craft. The closer my finished projects get to the vision in my head, the easier it is to find them fulfilling and to be excited to share them. When I fall short of my own ambitions, it's discouraging no matter how much attention I might get from others.

I feel like it's time for my regular reblog of Adam Westbrook's video essay series The Long Game.

The third and least known in the series is all about this idea of who you're making art for if you're not getting material rewards in the short term. It talks a lot about autotelicity—being internally driven instead of externally.

--

But if you really just want clicks, anon, start a blog that accepts anon asks and posts about wanky stuff. Actually tag things, unlike me, so people can find you.

No, writing for attention isn't worth it.

The time investment is too great and your brain will always fixate on the times people didn't respond instead of the times they did.

But that's not actually why most people write.

[skyfallscotland]

@heartfeltletters-written asked me 💥 How do you feel about criticism? and it felt like something that needed its own post, so here goes: the hypocrisy of critics in modern fandoms, an essay.

Criticism. I don't like getting it or giving it when it comes to writing. I struggle to even gently give it to friends, even when they ask me what I think of their work. Writing is such a personal thing that we pour our heart and soul into and like you say, many criticisms aren't necessarily valid. By that I mean, there's a difference between "Amy you use em dashes a lot babe" (I do) and "This story would have been so much better if Remi were a virgin" (actual criticism I have received, lmao). 

Unlike traditional authors, we will never make money from this, we do it for the love of it and it's time we will never get back. For some of us, it's time we could be working on our own original manuscripts too. I don't think people who give the second type of criticism are writers, generally. They don't understand the craft and what goes into it. Whenever I post and someone says a chapter was short or they immediately ask when the next one is, and that's all they say, I die inside a little. I try not to take it personally, but it's hard.

Personally, I think fandom behaviour is getting worse and that flows over into our comment sections and tumblr asks. I have a whole other dissertation on this that we’ll call ‘the slow death of fandom as we know it: an essay’, but that’s perhaps for another post. I don’t know how welcomed that commentary would be. 

You said the word ‘entitled’ in your original ask and I think that’s spot on. People have become more entitled in general and downright rude (which is not restricted to online spaces, by the way). I write for ACOTAR, but you’ve never seen me discuss it here because no matter what you say in that regard, you can’t win. Someone will always attack you and I do mean attack. Even in regards to Fourth Wing, I don't talk about my opinions a lot outside of my own little bubble of friends and readers.

And that's the kicker to this whole conversation, really. If I were to criticise Iron Flame/RY everyone would jump down my throat (as has happened on other platforms), even though I'd never say it to her face. Do I stand by my opinions? Absolutely. But it would be rude to tell her them, unless asked. I’m not allowed to (validly) criticise certain elements of her story, a published novel, without being attacked for it, but those same people are fine criticising my work directly to me. Hypocrisy at its finest.

There’s a new influx of people to fandom spaces who are completely unwilling to integrate and completely unwilling to be kind. You mentioned those who criticised your work could have saved themselves the trouble and read the tags, but the thing is: they don’t want to. They can’t be bothered to take five seconds and figure out how they work, to curate their own experience, because that’s what half these people are like. They want an algorithm to do it for them, gods help us.

For me, personally, I'm my biggest critic. I also have raging generalised anxiety, so just posting on the internet is enough to send me spiralling (seriously, I feel sick just typing this out). It's very, very out of my comfort zone and I've been very, very lucky so far to have cultivated the readership I have, full of very like-minded people. Perhaps due to some of the darker content matter. But the second I get harshly worded comments, I get upset.

I don't say that to elicit sympathy, it's just a fact. I get upset about it the same way I would if you were standing in front of me saying it to my face, and for someone with depression and anxiety, that lingers. I'm getting better at laughing at them, but it's like when someone tells you they don't like you and your mum says "just ignore them"—not that easy, right? 

So yeah, I don't mind if you want to tell me I use a lot of em dashes, or that I've used a word incorrectly in context, but I don't need to hear how much you hate original character fic when you could just use your last remaining braincell the back button and continue on with your day. Just be kind, is all I'm saying.

[astoldbysteph]

after i posted my essay about issues in the rpc, i've been checking the reblogs from time to time to read the thoughts people have shared because i think it's interesting and people have made some great additions so i'm gonna take the liberty to compile them and post them because i think this is an important thing to discuss, especially after seeing other folks in the tags having similar convos about stuff that harms the rpc and our experience in it as a whole.

everything will be under a read more for easier browsing/reading original post here

OO1.

what this user says here about not doing stuff but expecting other people to do it for you is so, so important. treat others the way you want to be treated! if you try to engage with people, most people will react positively and be more open to writing/plotting/whatever. also the thing about posting something you want then another person posting about wanting the same thing is so real, LOL. i've seen this happen a lot on tumblr and other rp sites. engage with people! they're nice! if you really want a certain plot, you're more likely to get it by asking the person that YOU KNOW wants the same thing over continuing doing your own thing and letting other people come to you.

OO2.

OO3.

OO4.

OO5.

in my original post i didn't wanna mention what this user points out because i was gonna end up writing even a longer wall of text... but yeah! this individualistic approach to not only rp and tumblr, but how we engage in other online spaces is a symptom of late-stage capitalism. even in non-rp spaces you will see people talking about the lack of engagement, how people used to talk to people on the dash or reblog stuff more. the anxiety excuse is also a good point that other people brought up in the tags. we all have anxiety, the world we live in is hell so it's expected and it's normal and it's fine! but i've noticed people use it as an excuse or a shield and that is not okay.

OO6.

people spend time and effort on memes and starters! show a lil appreciation instead of flat out ignoring them.

we also have to take into account that this site is broken as shit so it makes connecting even harder. we can't fix tumblr, but we can change how we do things in a small way.

OO7.

another super important point. threads fizzle out! sometimes our writing doesn't match the other parties! it happens!!! this is super common and i don't think any of us should feel overwhelmed by expectations. on most of people's rules i've seen that people will not say anything but kindly soft-block someone if they don't see themselves writing with someone and i think that's great. i personally don't think that we need to let the other person know we are dropping a thread UNLESS it's something that involved a lil more time and effort. like say, you plotted something out and agreed to write it out versus randomly replying to something on the tags where both people are going in blind. like the user above says, if it's something that has been plotted out, hitting up your partner is ideal, IMO! and yeah NEVER EVER EVER feel sorry about taking time to write stuff!! if someone or something makes you feel bad because you are not pumping out fast replies, RUN! that is a red flag. taking a few weeks to reply to stuff, especially multi-para threads, is normal because we are all busy people or we get sick or tired or just don't feel like writing.

OO8.

OO9.

O1O.

straight to the point. perfect.

[anxious-witch]

Since I can't seem to stay quiet and I all but made up my mind to stay away from the tag for the next week or so, let's talk about recent discussions about jance and bokris and this...weird ship war that has been going on, shall we?

Under the cut bc while I am annoying, I will spare you the essay if you don't want to read it, god knows I write too many of these.

I don't know when we as a fandom got to a point where we are even fighting over which ship is more likely, more realistic and if the other ship is "more queer coded" or whatever the fuck. I was under the impression that the fandom is meant to be fun thing we do, but that we are all aware shipping is something that's made up. And that even if guys play into it or even if someone is indeed really dating we are aware that what we think about it is irrelevant. Factually, even if someone "was right" about the ship, our perception of it will be widely different than the truth of real people's relationship. Because these are real people, not fictional characters. They cannot queerbait, and jokes aside, even calling someone queer coded is weird, you guys. At the end of the day, we cannot assume someone's sexuality based on how they look.

As for the whole bokris-jance discourse. I don't even know why this is a thing? Bokris people, you got fantastic solo photos of both Bojan and Kris, full of symbolism and got the fire-water link between them that's just perfect for fics.

Jance people, you got joined photoshoot, with Jan and Nace clearly being very intimately connected, which you can interpret in whatever way you wish in fics and fanart. The fact that there are less pictures speaks volumes about how private whatever they have is.

Both have it's merits. Both have it's weight. I don't understand this aggression and fighting over art. Art all of them participated in creating by speaking with Damon about it before doing the photoshoot.

I have friends who ship jance more and I have friends who ship bokris more. The truth about both is that we simply don't know what's going on behind closed doors. Even more importantly, is whatever it is that we don't know worth losing the community we built here? I feel like every time I get into the tag, there is something new people are fighting over. This is just the last thing that seems relevant and that most people got involved into.

But genuinely, I am just tired. I hope things calm down when the new song drops, although god knows there will likely be a discourse over that as well, but hopefully...less than this.

And yeah, I do know this will probably get me blocked from one or the other side or both but let's just...get it over with. Since I feel like this will happen again, I might as well make my stance clear now. Which is-I am not picking a side. I don't think real people can queerbait and that they'd do a joined photoshoot if they didn't have a very deep connection to one another. I don't think they also need their virtue defended because they definitely knew people will speculate after this. But I also don't think this 100% means they are together. Yes, it sucks that queer people need to outright say these things, but I also wouldn't claim a straight couple is dating unless they publicly announced it.

So yeah can we all just please try to chill and do fun stuff again, please?

[littleblueclown]

Someone on AO3 asked me for writing tips since they want to start writing fics for the first time. I kinda wound up typing out a big ol' eleven paragraph essay of advice but my sister said I should post here so more people can read my tips. So uhh if you're interested in some of the tips and advice I've got, you can read my reply below the cut!

I will definitely say planning is important. I've noticed that if I don't have a decent outline that'll take me from start to finish it's harder to actually write the whole thing and it often winds up an abandoned project - having it even more fully planned is preferable but I often have a few gaps where I'll have to figure out how to get from plot point C to D or whatever, which can be annoying to figure out down the line, hence I recommend getting it as fleshed out as possible first.

Write what you love, that's another big one. Start small if it's intimidating - just like, a oneshot, a scene that you think would be fun to see between some characters you love or something. You could always look up writing prompts if you need inspiration. And, of course, reading is a huge help! I can't imagine being a writer without having read plenty of things myself - and read with the mindset of writing too. Like, reading for enjoyment is great (though since I've been writing since I was like, 12 I think I technically always read with the writer's brain somewhat active LOL) but taking note of things you like about how others write as you read can be really helpful. Like artists using other art styles as inspiration!

Also keep an eye on things like punctuation, spelling, grammar, etc - I'm certainly not perfect at it, but if you make a lot of big errors it can really distract a reader. I like to use Grammarly to help point out mistakes that I missed, but a word of warning, it's not always accurate, so definitely don't just accept everything it says as correct. It mostly helps me to see areas that *might* be wrong so I can see whether or not something actually needs changed. One mistake I tend to see newer writers do a lot is failing to make new paragraphs where they should. So be sure to follow the P rule - new Person, Place, Perspective, Plot point, Point of view, or Period of time are all moments when you should be making a new paragraph. So read up on basic grammar/punctuation/capitalization/etc rules and maybe even look up common mistakes people make so you can keep an eye out for it in your own work!

A trick I've found handy to help with writing characters if you're having trouble keeping them in character is to do a character study. Look at what's happened to them, their personality, and write about the whole thing. From their perspective, preferably. Try to get in their head. What makes them tick? What makes them who they are? What events have shaped them?

When it comes to dialogue, I encourage reading the scenes out loud after you write them. Does it sound natural? Does it sound like something they wouldn't actually say? Reading what you've written out loud in general can help you catch mistakes or areas that don't flow right, and if you've got someone you trust to read to, definitely do that - they might point out areas that don't make sense to a third party reader but only made sense to you because you already knew what you meant.

Don't be afraid to use a thesaurus, but don't get crazy with it unless super wordy purple prose with extravagant language is the style you're aiming for LOL use it where it really counts! Not all synonyms have the same feeling and vibe so keep that in mind when deciding what words to use. And do NOT listen to people who say said is dead. If you try to use a descriptive dialogue tag (aka stuff like mumbled, shouted, cried, sighed, etc) for every sentence it's gonna start sounding super weird. Our eyes and brains tend to skip over "said” because it's so basic. So if you need to make it clear who is talking (and you do want to make it clear so people don't get lost in ten lines of back and forth dialogue while forgetting who is saying what) without trying to figure out a special way that person can talk or some action they can do while speaking just so you're not saying "said", don't worry about it. Said is not bad, it's very useful. Save the dialogue tags for when someone is talking in a specific manner that's important to the tone of the story. If they're upset, make it clear in their voice or mannerisms. If they're extra excited or really angry. Use dialogue tags where you actually have something to get across.

I also advise trying to show not tell. Like yeah, some things need to be outright said sometimes, but there's plenty of ways to show things. Don't say "he was mad" if you can say "his fingers curled, anger blooming in his chest". "Thinking of her dead father made her sad" could be "her eyes started to burn with tears at the very thought of her late father's passing". I also recommend avoiding the extensive character physical description all crammed into one or two paragraphs the moment you meet them fjkfkgkgk you can sprinkle in their appearance over time. In one sentence, you can use something like "her blue eyes met his" and then a paragraph later, "shoving her black hair behind her ears with a huff, she (etc)". Unless it's really important to a character, it's not necessary to know what their entire outfit looks like, you know? Unless it helps show who they are or really stands out. It might be good to mention if it makes it clear what they do for work without having to outright say it, or if it helps paint the picture of their personality or life style. But it's not always needed or important. Learning to cut out stuff that's not actually important to forwarding plot or character growth and things can be really challenging (I try and put those in a different document in case I can use them another time or at least draw inspiration from them) but it is good to eventually learn.

What else... Oh, action scenes, if you ever want to write those, know that the more detailed and descriptive you get, the slower the scene will *feel*. This is something that's really fun actually, once you start to get the hang of it. You can have part of the fight feel like it's flying by so fast, wham bam kick just by keeping it within a few sentences. And then you can draw it out a bit more using more descriptive words and actions for another part of the scene. It's neat to play with the timing of things using that method - which can apply to more than just action scenes, but I feel like it tends to be easier to notice during those.

Also, write literally anything down that you come up with and think, oh that's kind of fun! You might find a place for it somewhere eventually. Don't be afraid to write scenes out of order - you can always tweak them to fit later! I've got a separate document for each story I write that's basically just future scenes or lines I'd like to fit somewhere if I can. Don't think there's no point in writing something down just because it's only one sentence. If it's a sentence you like the sound of, it might come in handy later!

Most importantly, practice a lot and don't be afraid to write badly. Like, it's all just steps towards getting better! Everyone starts somewhere! You might suck at first and that's okay - I can't even begin to express how horrible and cringey my writing was when I first started LOL it was like the kind of fanfic materials you see people making fun of and mocking. But I loved writing so I kept doing it and over time I got better! Just like any craft, unfortunately, it takes time and effort and doing it repeatedly (regularity can certainly help - sometimes I feel rusty if I go long periods without writing a single thing). Writing when inspiration strikes is always great, but sometimes you'll find yourself completely without inspiration, and when that happens, sometimes you just gotta force yourself to put pen to paper or fingers to keys and do it anyway. You can always go back and revise and improve later, or rewrite the entire thing if you don't like it, but something is better than nothing. If you hate what you wrote, ask yourself why and look for what it is you want to improve.

I mean heck, I've been writing for, what, over a decade? And I write stuff all the time that I look at and go hhh yeah,,, not the proudest of that, I could do better, I HAVE done better, etc, so even if it's been a long time you'll probably have those feelings plenty, but I think that just comes with creative hobbies because I certainly feel that plenty about my art too LOL don't get too discouraged though. When you read something that makes you go man, I wish I could write like that :/ my stuff sucks in comparison :/ try to think about what it is that's so good about what you read. What it is that you'd love to emulate into your own stuff. Is it the descriptive terminology? Is it the plot? Munch on it and try to figure out how you can use it to improve rather than just get discouraged about your stuff.

That's all I can really think of at the moment as far as the kind of general, all-encompassing sort of advice goes + some extras I just feel like I've picked up over time that I don't see talked about a ton in general writing advice... But if you have any questions, feel free to reach out! I love writing and I love to see people get into the craft <3

[atrophiedemotion]

hey Cast! uh so this ask is about. alien stage. but imma send you another about some random shit because why not. anyways

the tags that you had on that previous post with me and plip (the one about ivan and till and how they show honesty differently and how we know about their characters a different amount because of how forthcoming or not they are) and my question for you is, how many of Ivan's actions do you think are representative of his true emotions? I don't think his body language, in general, is very forthcoming but I do agree that his actions can be pretty revealing (he strikes me as an acts of service person especially with trying to escape with Till) but uh yeah I'm wondering if there are any specific examples that you think of as being revealing of his actual thoughts or specific examples of him pretending to be someone else?

thanks for listening to me yap uh I hope you're doing well and that you have an awesome day!

rock... oh boy... this is gonna be a long one. wonderful question. thank you for the ask, i hope you have a great day as well!!

so, i didn't fully explain in the tags because i didn't want to write a full length essay on plip's post (ty plip for dealing w the rambling)(i was also very tired so i wasn't fully articulate lmao) but i meant that ivan shows his emotions through the outcomes/projected outcomes of his actions. he certainly isn't very forthcoming in the way he acts and portrays himself, but there is undeniable truth in the intent and meaning behind everything he does, even things that seem counterproductive.

i think that since ivan genuinely cannot fully be upfront and honest (due to trauma, his lack of self worth, and his decided survival strategy) his main truths show in the deeper meaning of the things he does for other people and himself. with ivan, it is all about intent. i've said before that the only way to understand ivan is to dig deeper and this is very much true here. he uses a lot of subterfuge to throw people off from his actual intentions, but they're there.

ivan often uses unconventional, roundabout ways to achieve his goals/get what he wants- especially when they mean something to him. he is a guy who is caked in layers upon layers of meaning only if you pull back the acres of curtains he's covered them with. he doesn't want people to know what goes on in his head, so he covers it up valiantly. this is due to his low self esteem of course, but also full on survival. in order for his plans to work, no one can be in on it. no one can know what he's thinking. all of his true feelings and thoughts need to be hidden in order to achieve success, but in the end it's fucking hard to not leave a trace of your true feelings.

with all that being said, examples!

the biggest and most obvious examples are mainly related to till (of course they are) and i also feel like they're the most telling. ivan's teachers specifically pointed out that he was only childish around till (they were relieved by it, too, because he was so damn serious the rest of the time and didn't behave like a child should). ivan has the hardest time hiding his true emotions around till, which makes sense, because till makes him feel the most emotion when his are always dulled. that doesn't stop him from going the 'i must hide my crush by pulling his pigtails' route but, y'know.

since most of these are talked about frequently and i dont want to keep beating a dead horse in an already long post, here's a (hopefully) brief list:

-the biggest one, the meteor shower. going through all of that to escape with till, specifically during a meteor shower that it seemed ivan was desperate to show till (to introduce his shooting stars to each other or smth im sure). ivan offered till freedom and denied himself of it when till turned around and he followed him back without question.

-his good behavior can arguably be considered to be due, in part, to the perks an obedient pet gets. this isn't just a till thing but ivan's obedience is very telling of his need and drive for survival, which considering his uhh,, track record is likely largely so he can protect till. gaining perks and learning insider information, like how to take collars off and gain access to isolation cells, assist him in assisting and caring for till.

-the sometimes silent companionship they share. the way ivan will poke at him to get his outright attention but is still at times satisfied with just existing in till's space and enjoying his presence says a lot about his genuine adoration and admiration of till

-his sacrifice. i don't think i need to say much about this as it's pretty self explanatory lmao but it is a Great example of what im trying to convey. ivan does honest things and has to cover them up at the same time. the 'violence' was to end the round of course, but it was also kind of like a familiar bandaid over the painfully honest feelings he conveyed with the kiss. even if he didn't really hurt him he couldn't just be honest

there are definitely more (most everything he does in regards to till tbh) but i wanted to talk about some others too

the comic conversation with sua about her sacrifice! such a big one. ivan's feelings about sua are very complicated, but to me i feel like he cares about her to an extent, almost pitying in a way. he's horribly jealous of her and the love she has, but he sees so much of himself in her that what he says in that conversation is probably at least half projection, even if he's not aware of it.

the way he looks at her without trying to hide his distaste feels like the way he would look down on himself. the whole thing shows not only his disgust with himself, but his anger towards someone who is so similar to him that she makes the same plans in her head even though she has something he believes he'll never have. it's envy, tried and true, and he doesn't even hide it at the time. he hides the self loathing behind it, but still. that might be the most honest we've seen ivan aside from the end of r6.

that conversation also does kind of show the fact that he cares for sua and mizi. sua in a way he acknowledges less to himself, but certainly mizi.

and speaking of mizi, my last example for right now is the way he watched round 5 like he was barely holding it together and sort of did his own recreation of it in round 6. the strangling was reminiscent of the way mizi lunged at luka and he almost certainly got the idea for his method of sacrifice from what she did. it kind of feels like an ode to her, in a way. an ode to mizi while offering himself up for till, which. is very sad but almost a little sweet, that he had a piece of mizi in what he was doing for till.

okay okay im sure i could keep talking about this but ive been writing for. a long time LMAO so i will stop here but! yeah. ivan shows his emotions inadvertently through his actions and about fifty levels of subterfuge. but it's all we get, so...

thank you for the ask again my dude, i really enjoyed answering it!

[eldritch-elrics]

ok continuing from my tags on the "what does your blorbo think of gay sex" poll. here's what i'm thinking about wrt james sunderland. it's my blog so i can put whatever i want on here so i'm just going to talk about this now.

first of all i've only played sh1&2, so if james turns up in other games i may change my opinion... well anyway

so normally when i think about characters i like, i default to them being bi because that is fun, but in the case of james, i think he is straight. i don't think this is something he's thought much about, because he is not a guy who thinks much about his sexuality. all that shit is repressed as hell. we know this. moving on

all that being said, i don't think james would be actively opposed to the idea of gay sex. it's just not something he would consider at all, under normal circumstances (/even if he didn't have a wife). james is, however, absolutely not in normal circumstances by the time we meet him. does this mean there is a plausible scenario involving james and gay sex?

you may have guessed where i'm going with this. the real question is: could pyramid head represent repressed homosexuality? (well, bisexuality?) pyramid head sure is juggling a bunch of symbolism, and ymmv on the specifics of that symbolism, beyond the obvious (that he represents the judgement & punishment james feels he deserves). it's pretty easy to argue that he also represents james's repressed sexuality as a whole (given the mannequin cutscene, the symbolic penetration of maria, you know what i mean). in both of these instances, he's also trying to cut away distractions so that james can get to his goal & to his final realization with clearer eyes. why does he do that in such a sexually charged way, though? uh... idk. let's see if i come up with an answer by the end of this post

you've also got the "is pyramid head meant to be sexy" question. well... he is definitely a muscular guy. his particular design on the ps2 version makes it kind of difficult to tell where his clothes and skin begin & end. i would argue this makes him less an object of desire and moreso something like a sexual rival for james. like - this sort of sexual hypermasculinity that james sees himself as distant from or weaker than. maybe he represents james's fear that his own instincts and his own wants from his relationships (not necessarily sexual wants) are ultimately predatory or harmful for the people he loves. (yay i did come up with an answer!) (also bookmarking this thought as i want to expand on it in another, better post)

coming back to the central (?) question of this essay (??). could james fuck pyramid head? is there enough thematic precedent for it? if he did... under what circumstances would that even make sense? it feels pretty clear to me that this would have to be an extension of a sex-as-punishment complex - james manifests pyramid head (sexual edition) to put him (james) in his place / establish dominance over him, thus validating his own feelings of weakness/helplessness and lack of control over things that happen in his relationships.

if pyramid head's whole goal is to get james to recognize his guilt about mary, though... i'm not sure. it feels like james would go into this whole thing as a distraction (but in a different way than how maria is a distraction - i legitimately do not think james would view sex with pyramid head as "real sex" ie. something that would count as cheating on mary). pyramid head, though... i think there's something to be said about the raw and tactile nature of sex. it could be kinda like their first fight: they rough each other up, and then PH leaves. PH would refuse to be anything permanent, and just leave james with lots of questions about what the hell he's doing here.

idk. many questions. it's very late and idk how much sense this makes. maybe i'll write a fanfic about this or something lmao

[pandagirl45]

Get to know your author

Tagged by @scottxlogan (Thanks for the tag)

1. How many works on AO3? 134

2. Total AO3 word count? 1,693,042

3. Top 5 fics by kudos?

Sweater Paws This one is part of my Enass AU stories, and it is about Bucky seeing Tony in oversized sweaters

Tame Me Not An ABO story that is also Mafia with badass Maria Stark. Its a lot of a mix of my headcanons and Tony being an Omega but definitely not "traditional".

He is Way to Pretty to Be Real Online Dating for Bucky and Bucky inserting his foot in his mouth.

They Said We Wouldn't Make to a Year Alpha/Alpha pairing, a one shot but it was a good one.

Conjugal Visitations Please A series I want to continue but I need to be inspired for it again. Bucky is a prisoner and Tony is his husband. :)

4 What fandoms do you write for? Marvel, The Avengers, or whatever pieces of the Comic, Cartoons, and Films I want to use pieces from.

5 Do you respond to comments? YES! I love comments and having discussions. I enjoy talking with people and I try to respond as soon as I notice I got one. Hello!

6 Fic with the angstiest ending? Many of the fics I write have bittersweet endings. Nothing with a lot of angst, unless you like certain characters. I guess two or three of the stories I can think of is

Now You Know Another Enass AU story and

In the Boxes The other Enass AU story

Last one is The Void and this one was truly a bit of a doozey and setting a lot of the tone for the series.

7 Fic with the happiest ending? The fic with the happiest ending I have written, I think it would have to be My Alien (Boyfriend). It is just a comedy and a little bit of drama. It is literally Tony as an Alien and Bucky getting a hot Alien boyfriend. Haha, I had fun with that one? I mean it is nice to write soft feel-good stories because I tend write dark as fuck stories or uncomfy stories.

8 Do you get hate? In the beginning, but it tapered off to being nothing. Honestly, I don't mind the hate. I actually prefer hate to fake comments about liking the stories. That sounds insane but I rather know they read to hate it than read it to try to get me to buy their artwork. :/ That's more disheartening.

9 Do you write smut? Yeah, not often. Sounds insane, it depends on if Tony is Demi, Bi, or Gay in the story setting. Hell he might be both or just Demi. Bucky also dependent on the story. Sometimes it is cut to black or I am not in the mood write Tony and Bucky railing each other.

10 Have you ever co-written a fic? Yeah, for the bingo round robin fics. No, one hasn't asked to co-write with me so IDK. I am thinking about opening story prompts or ficlets for tumblr. Not sure if that counts.

11 All time favorite ship? Tony/Bucky. I was reading Stony but fuckm does Bucky and Tony just hit right. They are two broken people with so much fucking baggage that it is part of their very fucking essence. I have post talking about how their entire origins and life are almost one for one in a way. Of course, they have so many connecting points, they are always bound to run into each other. Going for the throat or for the gut. It is enemies to loves, friends to lovers, strangers to lovers. They are two stars orbiting and I can write essays one these two jackasses.

12 WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? You make me Crave and This my World. Those Stories, I am not sure. They are lining up with the way I want it too. It is big issue because I freestyle those stories and they need more structure instead my half-cocked freestyle.

13 Writing strengths? I am not sure... I want to see nailing the characters in different settings. I will say being able to freestyle (I just complained about it above lol) and getting fun and unique ideas. Maybe even writing for myself (I know contradictory, gotta have that confidence) and finishing those stories.

14 Writing weaknesses? Myself. Sometimes I look at the plot I planned out and go WTF? And other times I also get mad at stories I hated but others love, and I have to remember it all about taste. It drives me insane because I do pour more into some stories I love (I AM A BIG INFINITE SYMBOL SUE ME) and while others I go MEH we ball and call it end. It sucks, because so far there is two stories I might abandon and see if I can redo them one day. Again, my weakness is myself.

Tagging: @polizwrites @saraceaser @ixoracl (I don't know who else to tag, um I guess do this if you like)

[cloudmancy]

i don't want to be mean or anything but like. the cr/t/cal r/le girlies in the dimension 20 tag are just sending me like, i just Knew these people be just all over this season and diving in and dissecting every little detail and speculating for the larger picture (of six episodes) (plus a season that's already been out for a year) as though people like. haven't been having to Sit with the Very, Very unfinished/untold part of the world of this campaign setting for Years already? (the Widely Established Fanlore of it all XD) although that's also been also been folding in the face of. all the colin posts (like Specifically colin too past even colin+raphaniel or colin+deli). like they fell for the cr bait so hard- group of fans starved for mlm content based on their typical cr diet, see a guy (Just Some Guy) looking the way he was, see his mysterious past and divorce and arc and glowup and post-divorce talks and. yknow. whaddya gonna do. that's all they're gonna talk about when the EXPLICITLY mlm radish priest who's been grooming that VERY SAME cheese guy for five years is right there.

anyways i'm going to write all that off anon and pretend i'm not deathly scared of invoking the wrath of cr fans after that thing on twitter

IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY FUNNY YEAH. gonna address the colin part first then talk about my problems with the season under a spoiler. listen I think deli & colin are very real in that deli wants him SO bad but it's crazy that people are dancing around colin's whole thing with raphaniel. like what do you guys think was going on there 😭 'he's his babysitter' SAY IT OUT LOUD! he was fucking that radish

now for my thoughts about the plot and pacing of ravening war

I do not like that this season (that was supposed to be about a war covering 7+ years of intense political conflict and full-scale warfare involving every country in the continent) got boiled down to 2 massive timeskips & 3 battle episodes of five guys fucking around in a cave because the entire war was actually started by a secret cult. there were no battles involving the actual war + 1 skill check for entire 5 years at a time + almost nothing politics wise + they missed the ENTIRE climatic final push for the end of the war because they were underground. it's so poorly paced, I really don't know what to say. am I the crazy one here for wanting a season about the ravening war to be about the war? it just doesn't feel like the characters had any impact on the plot past episode 3 and they ONLY because they kill the queen of candia because a cult told them to. because we get alliances forged and broken and conflicts ended and rulers crowned within the span of a single sentence from the DM before we chug back off to the mycelium hivemind main plot. hot take but every season does not in fact need a plot twist big bad to fight

all of the characters in the season are genuinely the most interesting characters I've seen in YEARS. it's a goddamn shame we didn't get to spend more time with them. it sucks that each of them brought so much intrigue and backstory to the war, but every single one of them ended up contributing not much at all to the scale of the campaign because, again, the final boss turned out to be a cult within the top secret cult of mushrooms that was ALREADY a secret but there is also ANOTHER, more powerful deity to fight in the very last episode. we needed more episodes, or less time spent on battles. we needed to not bring on a DM known for having all the time in the world to wrap up years-long campaigns in 5 hour chunks at a time, for a 6 ep miniseason. we did not need two more powerscaled deities for no reason to a war that should have been about the people and not... random alien eldritch forces. we needed closure on amangeaux's child, we needed to know WHY raphaniel was poisoning the king and starting a war in the first place. aabria wrote a whole essay about karna's backstory that I would've loved to see in the show itself, but... we didn't get to see it! there were almost no politics. we did get 4 separate secret underground mushroom fights though. in a campaign about a war.

"real life is messy! not everything gets wrapped up neatly! it reflects real wars!" this is a dnd show sir and when you spend 20 minutes out of 12 hours of content actually talking politics and the rest of the time fucking around with mushrooms in a cave, it starts to look less like a deliberate artistic choice and more like poorly paced plot threads that didn't get a chance to finish.

[applepi00]

Get to know your mutuals!

Tagged by @chubsthehamster hi! sorry I took so long to remember to get to this! And thank you for tagging me!

What's the origin of your blog title?

My blog URL is after Kenma from Haikyuu because I was once the biggest Kenma kinnie lol. My blog title (This Worthless Pride of Mine) is ALSO Haikyuu, it's one of Oikawa's lines and he's another character I projected pretty damn hard on back in the day.

OTP(s) + shipname(s)

Gestures at my everything, I've been soukoku trash for like eight years now, and somehow or other I ended up becoming the unofficial patron saint of the genderbent version?? I don't know how that happened either. I don't have any other OTPs that've hit me as hard I don't think? I like Polygun and Mashwood from Trigun, I like OiSuga and KenHina from Haikyuu, but a lot of things I get into and don't feel the need for OTPs or shipping. Like GriddleHark is great but I'm much more interested in what the fuck they're gonna do in the last book than the general fandom space there might be for the series.

Favorite colour

Orange, a good yolky sunset orange-gold. Truthfully, I decided orange was my favourite colour when I was like 9 and got really REALLY into vocaloid. Rin was always my favourite, so orange.

Song stuck in your head

Lazy Afternoons from Kingdom Hearts 2! I'm writing a medley for mixed ensemble in my spare time and that's the song I'm on right now!

Weirdest habit/trait

I have very little reliability in telling if something is weird. I talk to myself constantly? I speak often in song or at least sing-song. I prefer to carry things on my head than in my hands? I cut my hair anytime I'm emotionally off-centre? Are these weird?

Hobbies

Gosh what aren't I into? I consider my first and foremost hobby reading/writing, I love poetry especially. I draw but that's more nascent profession than hobby. I write music! I'm teaching myself that for my game, which is another thing I'm teaching myself that's been fun! I sew! I sew and knit a decent chunk of my own clothes! I'm working on a sundress right now for the coming summer! I play a lot of video games! I like retro games and retro-style indie games! I want to get more book binding done, I want to learn to crochet better, etc, etc.!

If you work, what's your profession?

Right now I'm bartending/waitressing, but I went to school for 3D animation with a focus on prop modelling for games, and I'm working on a solo developed game so I'm hoping I can get a little ground under my feet with this and get into the industry? Who knows, maybe it'll be a surprise sleeper hit and be the next undertale lol.

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be?

I think I'd be really happy as part of a game studio, not a AAA and not a tiny one-man-band, but a nice mid size indie studio with a little funding and a decent amount of creative freedom would be nice! Or writing, if I could reliably make a living off the things I make I'd be happy I think.

Something you're good at

Picking out what works in other people's things! At least in writing, I can wrangle an explanation much better (as evidenced by the Essays I leave on friends' fics lol) and I can tell what works in visual art too I just can't describe it as well. But yeah, I think I'm a good cheerleader like that

Something you hate

Eating, or at least deciding what to make and making it. I'm usually a bit better when food is put in front of me, or offered/available, but if I had it my way I wouldn't waste time on it, especially not if it's interrupting my flow on something more interesting.

Something you collect

Scraps of inspiration, fabric and ideas and phrases to turn like pebbles in my pocket until i shine them sterling. CDs mostly, poetry books, handmedowns.

Something you forget

Oh i've forgotten everything at least once or twice, except feeding the dog. I don't really build habits so most everything I do is from a semi-conscious effort. Somehow I've gone to work with no makeup on twice this week completely because I forgot I hadn't put it on yet. I can tell you things in minute detail but remembering when it's relevant is much harder.

What's your love language?

Being annoying! I bother the fuck out of everyone I care about, I do bits I send triple texts, I want to touch and be near people all the time! Even in silence! I often can't sleep at all unless I fall asleep listening to my friends chatting (and then they have to kick me out of call because I'm out like a light, sorry guys.)

Favorite movie/show

My favourite movies are Perfect Blue, Jim Henson's Labyrinth, and FF7 Advent Children. The last purely for nostalgia as I had it memorized so closely that in the fifth grade I frequently got through boring things by "watching" the movie in my head, which is a funny thing because I don't really get pictures in my mental space?? And Perfect Blue is just an amazing movie, hands down one of the best mindfuckery films ever. and Labyrinth, also nostalgia, and I loved dark fantasy as a kid and it probably shows in what I'm like as an adult.

Favorite food

Depends on the day! I love my ma's cabbage casserole, I like shrimp tacos, I really want a konbini pudding right now. With the chestnut/montblanc topping!

Favorite animal

In general I've been saying my favourite animals are red foxes since I was about five. I had a toy one that was a handmedown from my mom as a kid (I still do, when I was a kid he was called Baby Fox, when I hit about ten I started calling him Seamus for reasosns even I don't recall.) and I was really big on Tokyo Mew Mew/Mew Mew Power when it was first airing here in what, 2004? 05-06? And red foxes were on the endangered species list. My favourite individual animal though is my sister's dog, he sleeps on my chest and is the most loving little creature.

What were you like as a child?

Quiet, withdrawn. I preferred books to other children, but when I was allowed to play by myself as I pleased adults were always saying that i was "so creative" and "energetic". I think that's what happens when kids found me offputting and a bullying target lol, I wonder if it unnerved them more that I didn't understand I was being bullied until many years later? But I was a voracious reader, and strict on rules, and anxious as all hell. I couldn't go to a friend's house without asking them for a written invitation with a date and time, I still get anxious that someone will yell at me for being somewhere I shouldn't be if I leave my house for anything but work. I used to get yelled at for not smiling and stuff, so I guess I must've been a pretty sad looking kid

Favorite subject at school

English! Art! Music! English I got banned from doing extra credit for in high school, and I'm not particularly good at art or music but I loved them.

Least favorite subject

Math, numbers just don't click for me very well, unless you give me a while, and schools aren't really set up to give anyone a while. I think I would've learned better if I had been taught to look for patterns rather than rote memorization (like multiplication tables! I still can't multiply by 3s higher than 21 without adding. or 6s, 7s, 8s. I can do 9s though! I liked the pattern of them) It hasn't come up enough in my daily life to need to learn/memorize them, I always have either a calculator or paper handy so even if I'm writing it down that's still more accessible to me.

What's your best character trait?

I like to think I'm diligent! I like to think I live up to my name and am hard-working and dedicated!

What's your worst character trait?

My perpetual instinct to assume the worst. People talking in the next room about something I can't hear? Well they're probably;y talking about how bad I am (occasionally justified but not enough to maintain this!!!) Someone takes a tone I don't like? They must be mad at me for something, etc, etc. I'm trying to work on it.

If you could change any detail of your life right now, what would it be?

I mean aside from the state of the world? I'd live nearer my best friend. I 'd live a healthy distance away from my family. I would stop being so damn scared al the time of being in trouble, jeez you'd think I was 14 instead of 24! Otherwise just, time. Can the day be stretched a few hours longer? I never feel there's enough.

Anyway, thanks for tagging me Alicia! No pressure watsoever tags to @feralrookie @macavitykitsune @originalaccountname and anyone that feels like it!

[niccinii]

I'm just writing my thoughts of why I consider certain ships versus not because my friends are sick of me yapping about it to them. I don't really give a shit what you ship, I won't interact with it if I don't like it, or I'll block if I find it very morally questionable.

Incest ships are bad. I'll just block the tags. Same goes for Madara and Kohaku, Rinne and Kohaku, etc., like big age gaps are yucky to me.

I recognise I use "big age gap" loosely in this sense because in a vacuum, 3-4 years isn't a lot, but when you're 15 and 18, that's A Lot. These are high schoolers/just out of high school. The maturity and life experience differences are insane between those ages.

I'd say I'm a bit stricter in what I'll ship because there's a lot of ships I won't interact with that are just one year apart. There's plenty that are one year apart that I will ship. That's why I think it boils down to maturity.

For the ones who went to Yumenosaki, I tend not to ship anyone who experienced the war with those who didn't. I feel like a lot of the juniors don't even know what happened: the Ryuuseitai seniors hide the extent of the war from the juniors, Knights shields Tsukasa from a lot of what happened, Tsumugi and Natsume do that to Sora, etc., etc. I also feel like a lot of juniors act a more immature/like a kid. I realise that Nazuna isn't the best example, but generally, the Ra*bits juniors act a lot younger than the seniors did at their age.

There's also a lot of characters who are emotionally stunted as hell. Tsukasa very much comes to mind, which is a big reason I don't ship him with anyone in Knights.

Another thing is power dynamics. Once again with the Yumenosaki thing, but everyone loves to reinforce the whole "I'm your senior. You're my junior" dynamic at every given opportunity (Ryuuseitai comes to mind again lol can you tell my friends ship midochia and I don't). I'm not saying reinforcing that dynamic is weird or like wrong, I get why that happens. I just don't like shipping characters when there's that big dynamic line. Even with Akatsuki, I don't ship Souma with his seniors even though they all went through the war because of the huge power dynamic between esp Keito and Souma.

If you ship any of these, that's fine. I'm again just word vomiting why I personally don't ship these things. I don't think you're a bad person in any way if you like midochia or Souma/Keito. I just personally don't ship them and those are the reasons why.

Also I am not at all saying you cannot enjoy ships that are unhealthy. I personally don't ship shumika, but I'll read a fic if it looks interesting, and that dynamic especially set in less recent eras is Unhealthy as Fuck. Ritsu and Mao have some issues to sort out (more in !), but I love that ship. Himerinniki is insane to analyse, but I could write a whole essay on that and the inherent consent issues of pretending to be your half-brother and kissing your unitmates who have different levels of knowing about that.

If you ship incest or Double Face, don't talk to me about it, but otherwise do whatever the hell you want.

[arokel]

10 questions for 10 writers

thank you so much for the tag @strangethings-everywhere ! secretly I've always wanted to do one of these

1. Is writing a hobby or a way of life?

Way of life for sure; I'm basically never not thinking about it. I start to feel awful and purposeless if I go too long without writing at least something.

2. A journal full of notes or a clean completed manuscript?

Clean completed manuscript, unfortunately. I wish I could be less persnickety about my first drafts but so far that hasn't happened. I do sometimes make extensive outlines though and those are always by hand, but they're usually pretty clean too :/ no scribbly scribbly for me

3. Who or what inspired your writing?

I've been writing since I was five years old and telling stories since I could talk, so I guess I'll say that when I was first reading chapter books I asked my parents why books always have a few blank pages at the end and they said it was so you had space to continue the story yourself if you wanted. They made it up on the spot and they don't remember saying it at all, but it's always stuck with me.

4. Which is worse: Someone you ‘idolize’ reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

Listening to me sing, 100%. I post my barely-edited first drafts on ao3 all the time lmao. But I also feel like with a first draft it's easy to say hey this is a first draft, if there's stuff you don't like I'm happy to hear criticism! Whereas with singing, that's just your voice. You can practice the song but at some point whether they like it or not just comes down to something about you that you can't change. (Although I am a hashtag classically trained singer so my feelings of needing to live up to that might not be universal.) (Don't ask me to sing opera for you because I don't actually like opera.)

5. Has writing from someone else’s POV changed your perspective?

I think most of the perspective changes that have come out of stories have been from reading for me? Like the first time I was really exposed to the idea of transness was a Harry Potter fic (suck on that, JKR) and that obviously really stuck with me. But I think the desire to write from queer povs really helped me come to terms with my own sexuality, maybe more than actually doing it. I guess writing narrative essays, which I do less frequently than straight up fiction, is usually a way for me to explore things I feel about myself and about the world.

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

AO3 foreverrrrrrr. I was on ffn in my misspent youth and Very briefly on lj, but ao3 has been my home since 2014 and it would take a lot to get me to move.

7. AO3 word count? And are you satisfied with it?

646,046, and soon enough it'll jump another 100,000. Honestly not sure how I feel about that.

8. What movie/book gripped you irrevocably?

I will never not love Tamora Pierce's Tortall series. I know they're kind of dated and don't hold up in some places, but they've been in my bloodstream so long that they're basically a part of my understanding of the world. They shaped so much of my ideas on literature - how to create compelling characters and relationships, what makes a world believable, what fantasy even is - and honestly I think they're responsible for about 50% of my sense of humor and at least a quarter of my relationship to gender. They were my first fandom and in the end I'll always come back to them.

9. What’s the highest compliment you could ever be given, and have you been given it?

One of my plays deals with a very difficult emotional subject and is quite frankly pretty depressing the whole way through, and after the premiere a friend of mine came up to me and said "it was so so funny; I was laughing the entire time." That's what I always want my writing to do, not so much in fic but out in the world - I want to give people catharsis, and I hope they leave the reading or viewing experience feeling a little better than they did going in. And also I want people to laugh at my jokes.

10. What defines your writing style?

Can I say inconsistency? No but really it's definitely dialogue. I struggle with descriptive prose sometimes, but I never have to work at dialogue. I think it's my strongest area and people always tell me it's snappy (thank you Tamora Pierce). Other than that uhh... too many commas probably.

tagging @violasmirabiles @fregata-magnificens @kjxlll @borealopelta @uwu-dowoon @teaforarteza @icegreyrose @shadowquill17 @ris-d-deridex and using my 10th tag for anyone else who wants to participate!

[kyomunosaki]

I started Hypnospace Outlaw

...and I've noticed a few small things that are super interesting, mostly with the idea of tutorialization.

I didn't plan to do a writeup on this, so I don't have any of my own gameplay's screenshots. I remember most of the gist, so I can probably write a few sentences on this topic that really stuck with me. I would've gone back for more screens but I'm feeling very lazy and I might repost this with editing/photos in the future lol

So Hypnospace Outlaw is basically a pre-2K "internet janitor simulator" except that you don't do it for free. You're like a free contractor/PMC janitor, where you get comissions to hunt down certain infringement of internet/Hypnospace law.

The first case is to find instances where the copyright for a 1968 of a cartoon character named Gumshoe Gooper is being infringed upon. I found this case to be a phenomenal tutorial for both the game mechanics and the philosophical(?) questions the game wants to ask.

Gumshoe Gooper (Hypnospace Outlaw)

At first upon getting this case, I was still grappling with the game mechanics, exploring the Windows 98-ass interface with the skill of an old man in a nursing home. At the time I entirely forgot about the search function, so I just explored by going through various web portals and webrings, a la Geocities.

I found a lot of interesting sites that I don't really have the time (nor screenshots) to talk about and do justice with, but there's a lot of awesome things to find in Hypnospace if you're willing to just take time and look around. I do want to possibly talk about that later if there's interest.

After just stumbling around the internet and remembering how hard it is to find stuff through web portals, I remembered the search function existed thanks to one of the sites I ended up on having tags that open up the search window. So I searched for "gooper"

You find 3 sites from that search, two from AbbyWrites58 and another from another woman who's name I can't recall right now. The first site is a typical late 90s personal site you might find, for a first-grade teacher. It contains mentions of memorials to dead lost ones, a Hypnospace Heaven or something, and is part of a "Spirituality" web ring, but otherwise not much to note. The first link however, is a link to "Drawings of Gumshoe Gooper by my first graders"

Webrings on Abby's World (Hypnospace Outlaw)

On the link, its filled with pencil/crayon sketches of Gumshoe Gooper by a bunch of children, but also 2 gifs that seem like legitimate copyright infringement. I still felt apprehensive about reporting this page to the Hypnospace Enforcers, because it felt like a teacher just wanting to share the work of her students and I was hoping to find other violations to fit my quota. Regardless, even if I were to fill out my quota there were only 2 very clear examples of copyright infringement on the page.

So, I went back and checked out the other site by AbbyWrites58, and this one was... a political support website for a local politician? Who was seemingly a politician that had different views than, I, the player did? And she was using a GIF of Gumshoe Gooper saying that he supported her? I didn't have much hesitation just hitting her with the copyright violation on this page.

The third page was just another site but with an official Gumshoe Gooper strip posted on it. As you can tell the rest of this essay is lazily thrown together and just a retelling of events, but I do not remember the exact details of the page. I just remember still feeling apprehensive about reporting stuff on the page with children's art, so I think I reported that strip.

I still hadn't reached my quota of 3 violations reported, so I begrudgingly made my way back to the initial site I had landed on in my search. I decided to report one of the GIFs, and didn't feel too bad about it since while she did teach first graders I did find her political views somewhat, off-putting. I was going to make my way back to the case page to finalize it, but I got a notification on the not!Clippy software, telling me that if I find more violations I could get a bonus on closing the case?

A child's drawing of Gumshoe Gooper (Hypnospace Outlaw)

So, I decide to report the other GIF on the page as well, and look at that: more money. And then I have a dark urge to test something out. What about this first grader's art? What if I file it for copyright infringement, what would happen? Would the kid get in trouble? Will the teacher get the blame? Did the teacher even deserve any blame? Well, I hit the report. It works. So I go through the page, filing every crude drawing of Gumshoe Gooper by children as a violation of copyright law.

I get a lot of money, and I don't feel too bad after learning more about AbbyWrites58. Besides, the other members of her webring were openly fascists! That sort of association makes you liable to uh, getting in serious trouble over copyright infringement of a 1968 cartoon character right? It's just my job! I needed to hit the quota! And what if I flag her account to the authorities, her account with her location and other personal information tied to it?! What is the worst that could happen, and maybe I would feel a bit more bad about it if her political views weren't so, wrong?

This sort of self-justification I found myself doing just felt fascinating. It was some of the most engaged I felt with a game's narrative in so long, and it's only been made more fascinating by later cases like even the one just following this with ZANE_ROCKS_14. If you liked this post, maybe I'll actually try to edit this one down properly and actually take screenshots too. Regardless, if you got this far thanks for reading!

Edit: I can see how this makes me look like kind of a dumbass but I guess what's more accurate is "what her political views were being signalled as" is more accurate for some of the stuff I say above lol, but I'm too lazy to edit the post more than this

[that-starry-freak]

Okay, wow. Uhm.. I'm honestly kind of tired of all the fandom discourse. So i- I want to talk about it.

 This is honestly about to be really personal. So CW for mentions of hypersexuality and grooming(that ones at the very end), as well as mentions of harassment and aphobia. I also vaguing a bit, but its not too explicit (I do name 2 people at some point but im defending them and talking about how they dont deserve to be harassed, so-) and I'm not talking negatively about anyone!

Also please ignore my terrible grammar/spelling. This is kind of just me ranting and in no way is meant to be an actual well written essay or anything

Okay- so- god I was writing this all in my head but now I'm trying to type this out im coming up short

Okay, lets try this- there's no way to really neatly and perfectly segway into what I want to talk about, but I'll try my best

I just really want to talk about the harassment that's been going on in the fandom. Because its really just.. frustrating.

First is the allegations of aphobia.

Yes, aroace people can be aphobic! But can we please learn the difference between projecting and aphobia. 

There are aroace people in this fandom seeing Moon and Nexus and deciding to make them not sex repulsed because they arnt. Ive seen people get called aphobic for making them demiaroace, or aceflux, or just non-repulsed aroace. And I've seen people make fics of awful acts, "correcting" their asexuality, and being purposely tagged wrong.

Which one of these is actual aphobia, hm?

Should have started with this but, yknow, it's too late for that now- ehem, 

Hi! I'm Astro, a aceflux lesbian who struggles with hypersexuality. I, personally, am actually really uncomfortable with people making Moon not aroace and shipping him, even in aus. Im uncomfortable with them even making him not repulsed most of the time. What do I do though? I dont harass people. I just don't interact with the content!

And I have no problem with people making Nexus not repulsed/aroace. Why?? Because canonical hes confused and unsure about if he's aroace or not! And I know a lot of people on the ace and aro spectrum(s), including me, can relate to that feeling. The unsureness of if you are, and even if you know you are, not knowing where you are in the spectrum. I personally love making Nexus somewhere along the lines of demi or gray, because that would add more representation! Especially with Old Moon back now, we have our repulsed rep. That doesn't mean they can't both be repulsed! I'm just saying that having another character be another side of the spectrum (whether its non-repulsed aroace, demiaroace, demiaro and alloace, etc.) Would be nice. 

Personally, I've been tempted to make an au where Nexus started experimenting with sex and it starts clogging his mind. Because I enjoy his character, and I want to project my own experiences onto his character. There's nothing wrong with it?? Self inserting into canon characters is a tale as old as time, just as old as ocs.

There is literally nothing wrong with wanting to have more representation or have a character that represents you. That isn't ace or aro phobic- i don't get how people don't understand that. I know multiple aroace people who like dating, or who are dating. I also know aroace people who just like qprs and can't stand dating. I know aroace people who have been confused and have fluctuated with their sexuality as I've known them, trying to figure themselves out. There are different types, and people want to see themselves in a character that is similar to them. Whats wrong with that?

Now, I am not defending the people who constantly are like "well aroace people can date too", completely ignoring the fact that some are repulsed. I'm not defending the people that say that whenever you mention that a character doesn't like to date because they're repulsed. I've seen it happened to people who literally have aus and are talking about their versions if the character and how they never want to date, and people say that. It's fucking annoying. And ya, pretty aphobic.

But non-repulsed aroace people saying that about their own au versions of characters isn't the same thing. Defending their headcanons of a character because it helps them better connect to it isn't the same thing- im like, so confused about how we don't understand this already??

Another this is- and I can't believe I have to say this -can we NOT fucking harass people??? Like holy shit why do I have to say this?

Yes, this includes people who support terrible things. This includes people who just don't like the same things as you. Yes, this includes people that don't like you.

Because, fun fact, that just makes the situation worse. Someone saying something bad about somebody, and then a bunch of people swarming them and telling them their wrong, isn't going to change their mind. It'll actually just make them have an even more negative view of the person.

Now, spreading awareness about a person who is actively harassing people is different. But that also doesn't mean you should see that awareness and go harass that person. Again, its going to make it worse.

Instead, report. Block. Do whatever you can to keep yourself and others safe. Please don't harass people though. Please.

And yes holy shit this includes if they ship things you don't like! Holy fuck why do I even have to say this- if you disagree with someone, block them. Don't fucking spread rumors. You fucking people keep complaining about all the discourse and then attack shippers. What the fuck?? Stop it. The ones you are attacking don't even do shit, they're just chilling. Some people Eccpecially!! I feel bad about mentioning directly, but people like @/kuuchaos and @/zthesheep (not tagging because I don want to bother them and also im a coward. Wishing them all the support in the world tho) haven't even done anything! They're just getting harassed because they're associated with people these harassers don't like.

Hell, i- who has barely done anything but support people -am terrified of getting harassed. Because I'm associated with these "big blogs", I'm at risk of being harassed. Its ruining my mental health, which was just finally getting better- its frustrating. I literally had to take a break from tumblr because I was so anxious, and I felt sick to my stomach and was shaking a bit. I just want to make friends and have fun and post art, but I'm scared of being yelled at literally becuas elf people who I associate myself with.

I know im at risk just because I'm mutuals with two of these blogs. Just because I post and reblog ship things, and reblog things from these "big blogs". Im- augh. I luckily haven't been harassed, and have blocked the harasser in question, but that doesn't stop the crippling anxiety of the fact that i may be in the future. That's not okay. Its awful that this fandom is so fucked up that people who havnt even done shit are afraid of being harassed- or are actually being harassed!

Can I remind everybody that the VAs literally asked everyone not to harass each other and to just chill out? Sure, I'm all for death of the author, but thats not what that is. You can't just take canon and use it to harass people, but completely ignore the people who made that canon. That's fucked up. Either ignore canon all together, or listen to the VAs. Either you, you have no reason to harass people.

Anyway, I hope soon we can all be a lot nicer to each other. Seriously, I dont care about disagreeing with ships. I dont even think we should all be friends, im not a fucking elementary school teacher. But I think we should all at least be respectful to each other and not literally harass and send fucking gore to people. Eccpecially fuckimg CHILDREN like im sorry whos idea was that?? Those gore anons need to be put in prison because that is one of the most disgusting things I've heard in a fandom- and I've been in some pretty horrific fandoms (*cough*dsmp*cough*)

So uhm- yeah

Please dont harass me for speaking out against harassment, like seriously. I'm not promoting harassment or aphobia, or incest or anything. Especially grooming, considering i may have been groomed by one of my friends in 3rd grade??? Idk, the more you know-

Im also not inviting an argument. Please dont argue with me, please. Or even disagree with me in reblogs or comments or tag me or anything. It may seem childish, but I instinctively want to argue back and I just want to avoid that. Please.

But yeah, let's just be decent to each other pls. Use that nifty block button more, please and thank you <3

(THIS WAS NOT REREAD OR EDITED! plus I was having extreme pain at the end cause of cramps- and I was emotional and frustrated at the beginning. So this all may be a bit incoherent/rude, but im trying

Again, please don't harass me- especially over me talking about my hypersexuality and things- its hard for me and personally <3)