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fillyboy19 · 10 months ago

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Beneath your Beautiful

“It’s gonna be so much fun, Nai. You’ll see.” Vash gives his brother a bright, reassuring smile before diving back into the mess that he’s currently calling a closet.

It looks more like a bomb had exploded inside the small space, but Nai keeps that opinion to himself. Shirts are selected, held up in Nai’s general direction, and then summarily discarded – mostly into a pile at the bottom of said closet, hangers and all. Nai is tempted to remind his brother that he should hang them back up before they get wrinkled, before he has to fix it himself, but he can’t bring himself to scold his brother, not when it feels like a coil of worms is moving about inside his stomach – and especially not when Vash is doing all of this for him.

“I could just wear one of my own shirts,” Nai suggests as he lays back on the bed. He props himself up on his elbows so he can still watch the carnage of fabric and make sure that Vash doesn’t pick out something truly hideous for him to wear. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Naaaiii!” Vash turns to his brother, a small pout forming as his brows knit together. “It is a big deal. I’ve been begging you to come with us for years and you’re finally going to.”

Five years, to be exact. Not even Nick had been able to coax him out of his dull, quiet routine to enjoy the festivities of JuLai’s pride parade. His reasons for not going were nothing more than excuses and they all knew it. Whatever errand he’d claimed he had to run or project that he’d said he had due were all done well before the street party had ended and Nai had simply chosen to sit alone in their apartment rather than face… people.

“Fine,” Nai mutters softly as he flops back on the bed.

His words are met with a happy squeal and the clapping of hands before Vash resumes his hunt for the perfect shirt. If you’d have asked him, Nai would say that he was fine with it all. That he wasn’t unhappy about not going. After all, when everything was said and done, Vash would come home covered in smeared glitter and half-dressed to regale him with tales of the fun he’d had and the new people he’d met. Sometimes he’d drag Meryl or Milly in with him and they’d stay up late, drinking and thinking ahead to the next year’s events. Nai would listen for as long as he could before quietly slipping away so they could have their fun…

And it did sound like fun.

But, Nai could never seem to make himself go. He had reservations about the validity of someone like himself being welcome there. Unlike Vash, who was open with everyone about his journey, willing to show off his scars and tell his tales, Nai had been living stealth since his teens. Only Rem and Vash, and now Nick had ever seen his scars and, even then, it felt like too many people. As much as he wanted to support his brother – all of them for that matter too – he’d just never really felt like he belonged at pride. It was a celebration of one’s truth, of being out there for the world to see. It wasn’t for people like him…

He doesn’t realize how lost in his own spiraling thoughts he is until the bed dips next to him and he finds himself staring up at worried blue-green eyes. Nai doesn’t even get a word out before Vash is leaning over him, their forehead colliding with a playful bump.

“You don’t have to go, Nai.” Vash lets out a soft sigh as he lays back next to his brother, dropping the pale blue button up onto his stomach so he can lace their fingers together. “It’s okay if you’re not ready yet. I won’t be upset.”

Maybe.

Maybe not…

Nai knows that his brother would never be angry with him if he backed out now; none of their friends would, but Vash would be sad – for him. He’d be sad that his brother was spending an evening alone while everyone else was out having a good time. He’d be sad because he knows that, even after all these years, Nai still feels like he’s hiding. Like he’d simply traded one closet for another…

“I want to go.” Nai smiles. It’s a practiced, fake thing that he knows his brother can see right through, but it’s enough to get his intent across. He’d made his mind up and isn’t going to be swayed. He’s going.

“Then let’s do this.” Vash sits up and tosses the shirt he’d finally selected over the back of a nearby chair and then grabs his paint kit from his nightstand.

Nai takes a deep, resigned breath before sitting up, arms crossed subconsciously over his chest to hide his scars as he gets settled and waits for Vash to paint his face. His eyes catch on the way one string of fairy lights had fallen loosely over the headboard of the bed and the lopsided, hasty way the blankets were pulled to cover the sheets. They trail over the small stack of magazines on the desk and three empty cups that should have gone to the sink weeks ago.

“You really should clean your room one of these days.”

“Okay, Rem.” Vash snorts softly as he laughs and then cups Nai’s chin. “Now, sit still or I’m gonna smear this and have to redo it and then we’re gonna be late.”

The smooth metal of prosthetic fingers lay cold against one cheek while soft brush strokes begin to dance across the other. Nai could laugh at the look of sheer concentration on his brother’s face if it weren’t so sweet – if his brother wasn’t trying to make this all so special for him.

“You know…” Vash trails off as he dips his brush in paint again and then turns Nai’s head to work on his other cheek. “It’s a shame Nick won’t be here for your first pride.”

“Yeah.” Nai tries to keep his voice level and swallow down the bitter resigned sigh that’s trying to bubble up his throat, but he can’t help the way his heart sinks at the thought of how nice it would have been to share this day with his boyfriend. “Well, this trip was important for him.”

Nai understands. Of course, he does. They’re both dedicated to their studies, to getting good paying jobs in their respective fields, and making a name for themselves when they finally step out into the real world… And this trip was a once in a lifetime opportunity for Nick to see the fallen ruins of the temple of Michael up close. Only the top theology students in the class were allowed to go.

Nai would never ask him to miss an opportunity like that just so he could attend some silly parade; especially when Nick had always been so supportive of him.

Nick never pushed his buttons like Vash sometimes did. He always seemed to know just when to bring some silly little gift for him to make him smile because he was having a hard day. He was the only person besides Vash and Rem who had seen his scars and the only person Nai had ever allowed to touch those scars. He was quiet and steadfast; brash when he needed to be – but never with Nai – and understanding when it came to those social things that always made Nai feel different than other people.

“Earth to Nai.” Vash dabs his brother’s nose with the wet paintbrush and then laughs at the abject horror that washes over his face.

Nai frantically thumbs over his nose and, finding it clean, moves to wipe the wetness off his cheek on instinct. A small smile cracks on his face as Vash hurriedly grabs for his wrists and pulls them away before he can do any damage to the still damp artwork there.

“Careful!” Vash laughs, nearly falling off the bed and taking Nai with him. “It was just water. I promise. Now, put your shirt on and don’t ruin all my hard work. I want to get there early. Meryl and Milly are gonna meet us there and Livio’s already on his way too.”

Nai watches as his brother bounds out of the room and he finds that the small smile on his face lingers long after Vash has gone from his sights. He stands and stretches, and then grabs the shirt that Vash had laid out for him. It’s a short sleeve button up, a light blue that matches his and fades down to a soft pink. There are little white designs scattered across it that remind him of the way microbes look under a microscope. He finds that he sort of relates to that idea and wonders what Nick would say about it all.

Nai buttons the shirt without thinking, subconsciously avoiding his reflection in the mirror until his scars are fully hidden and then heads to his own room to grab his wallet and fix his hair the way he likes. He can imagine Nick being there to ruffle it off kilter so he has to fix it again, and the smile that would meet him in the mirror the whole time. Vash is already waiting for him by the door when he finally comes out. The trans pride flag that had once been hanging in their living room above the couch is now tied around his waist and he has to admit that, somehow, it feels oddly fitting. When Vash glances his way, he holds out his arms as if to say, what do you think, and then frowns at the studious look he’s given.

“You look so stuffy right now… like…” Vash chuckles, eyes roaming over Nai’s form appraisingly before something seems to click and he steps forward. “Can I?”

Nai follows his brother’s eyes down to his shirt and then he shrugs. He expects it when the top button comes undone, grows nervous when the second, third, and fourth follow but before he can even think to object, he finds that his shirt has been opened wide, pale skin and even paler scars on full display as Vash smiles up at him.

“That’s so much better.” Vash pulls him in close for a quick mirror selfie and then takes a moment to post it before they leave. “You looked like you were going to a business meeting or something.”

Nai struggles with the sight of his own reflection but before he can come to terms with what Vash had done or how he now looks, he finds himself being pulled out the front door. It feels like a whirlwind, the way he’s led down the steps and out into the busy streets. Droves of people surround them as they walk and the logical part of his brain knows that no one is staring at him, that – if anything – they’re staring at Vash with his too-short black shorts, leather harness, and large flag billowing behind him as he saunters. The irrational part of his brain is clocking every glance, every roaming gaze that falls to him as judgement being passed.

Vash is shouting greetings and waving to everyone he knows, a veritable parade all on his own, as they draw closer to the real action downtown, but his hand never leaves Nai’s and he takes a small comfort in that. His thoughts spiral as he’s dragged along while Vash chatters excitedly and hunts for their friends. He’s not sure why they couldn’t all just meet at the apartment and gone together. That would have made more sense to him, but then again – this was their event. Not his.

They’re stopped at a corner, Vash checking his phone and likely updating his social media, when Nai spots Legato across the street. The man is dressed sensibly as always and he waves in that odd, excitable way he often does when they see each other, but Nai just knows in his core that the only thing his classmate had seen just now was the scars on his chest. Now he must know what an imposter Nai was – living his life in a closet of his own making because he couldn’t admit to the world who he really is. Now he knows that Nai doesn’t belong here amongst all the celebration and festivities because he had never been out and proud.

He can deal with it… until he can’t. Until Vash’s hand slips from his grip so his typhoon of a brother can run halfway down the street to hug Milly and Meryl and Nai finds suddenly himself an island adrift in this sea of people with everyone staring at him – all of them knowing that he doesn’t belong here. His mind feels so overloaded that he can’t focus on the trio as they walk back towards him. He barely even notices when Livio joins them.

His ribs feel too tight. His breath is starting to come in small, ragged huffs as the panic inside him begins to swell. It all crescendos when he sees Professor De Niro at a nearby shop. The man is dressed in dark jeans and bright red leather harness. When he sees Nai, he gives a small wave that, somehow, Nai manages to return before his eyes dart to Vash – who is still too far away.

His brother is occupied, taking a photo with Livio and one of the local drag queens and as much as Nai wants the comfort of someone familiar close, he doesn’t want to interrupt his Vash’s fun. He crosses his arms over his chest in an attempt to make himself feel smaller, to hide the part of him that he’s most nervous about in hopes that it will make him feel better but, in his gut, he knows that he’s ready to bolt. He subconsciously takes a step back, then another, and another – inching himself towards escape – when strong, warm arms suddenly wrap around him and pull him back the last few feet into the entrance of the alleyway.

His senses go on high alert. A personal boundary has been crossed and, for a moment at least, he forgets all about his nerves. He turns to yell at whoever had dared to touch him and finds himself staring into familiar, dark eyes.

“Surprise,” Nick drawls softly before leaning in to lay a soft, chaste kiss to stunned lips. He pulls back to run a hand through his hair, chuckling at the look still etched on his boyfriend’s face.

“What are you…” Nai shakes his head in confusion, still not fully allowing himself to believe that Nick is here in front him, this very moment. “How are you here? I thought you were at the ruins.”

“It wasn’t all it was cracked up to be and…” Nick smiles bright before leaning in to steal another kiss, “… well, when Vash said you were actually coming to JuLai’s pride parade this year, I booked an early flight out. This is big for you, and I didn’t want to miss it.”

Not sure of what else to do, Nai huffs softly at Nick’s words. Part of him can’t believe it – that his boyfriend would cut the trip of a lifetime short, fly halfway across the continent, just to come back for something like this… For him… The other part of him, the part that’s been greeted with his favorite coffee first thing in the morning and brought water when he’s been studying too long and hard; the part of him that’s been physically pulled from whatever he was doing to take a break on the couch in Nick’s arms is certain that he’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

“You have good timing.” Nai sighs softly, a small blush creeping down the back of his neck. “I was actually plotting my escape before you showed up.”

“Oh, yeah?” Nick glances towards the crowded street to find Vash talking with Livio, and Meryl and Milly off on their own not far from them. “We can still get out of here if you want. Vash and them will understand.”

“You came all the way back from the ruins of Michael just to support me.” Nai huffs softly, “I want to be here with you.”

Nai’s eyes go wide at his own words, and it takes his brain a moment to catch up. When he thinks about it, when he really thinks about it, he does want to be here – and not just for Vash or Milly or any of them. He wants to be here for himself. For that part of him that had spent hours watching the clock and waiting for them to come home every year. For the part of him that feigned disinterest while secretly hanging on every word. For the part of him that hated that he didn’t get to share this with Nick. And for the part of him that always felt like he never belonged anywhere… And, maybe, this will be hard. Maybe he’ll take two steps back out into that crowd and want to run home again and hide in his room but, he doesn’t think that he will.

Nai nods his head, that same fake smile he’d given to Vash before now on his face again. “I belong here.”

“You do.” Nick tugs the edge of Nai’s open shirt with one hand, pulling him close, while the other trails over one pale scar. “But that doesn’t mean that you have to be ready to share all of yourself with the world. It’s okay to just… be here with us if that’s what you want to do.”

“I know.” Nai smiles, soft and genuine, grateful for the comfort he’s being given. He leans forward, pressing his forehead to Nick’s, and letting his eyes fall closed so he can enjoy this moment between them for as long as he can. “I want to.”

~END~

Written for @etherkwkbang (Twitter)

Accompanying artwork in the AO3 link by the amazing @natures_knives (Twitter)

If you liked this fic, please drop by my AO3 to give the fic a comment or kudos!

https:////archiveofourown.org/works/55161334

#fanfic #trigunstampede #kniveswood #woodknives #kwk

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itsonlystrange · 4 years ago

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I feel like a lot of people seem to forget the Mike is the wheelers only son. Meaning he has different expectations than Nancy has and that Holly will have.

Example:

Nancy was always expected (By Ted, at least) to marry in to a good family of her own. Take someone else’s last name.

However with Mike, and with men in general and heteronormativity and toxic masculinity, men are the ones that are supposed to “carry on the family legacy.”

Mike isn’t supposed to marry into a family, a young lady is supposed to marry into THEIR family. The WHEELER family. For a young lady to take THE WHEELER last name.

Nancy was expected to be the house keeper. The cook. The house wife. She bares the children, takes them to school, while her husband is off at work. Following the pattern of Karen and Ted.

However Mike isnt expected to do that. He’s supposed to find a woman that marries into their family. She bares the children while he’s at work.

I do think Karen noticed early on that their son isn’t what 80’s society deemed as normal, not even from a sexuality stand point.

We don’t know much about Ted, but we do know that he is wealthy. He makes “6 figures” (or more) in the words of Jonathan. He was probably in some sort of sport. Most likely popular. Very much similar to Steve.

And well, Mike isn’t.... any of those things.

He isn’t athletic... like at all. Which in the 80’s , was very looked down upon. He isn’t popular, and he’s a “nerd.”

While Ted probably had girls swooning over him 24/7, Mike doesn’t have that. I’m sure Karen noticed very early on that he wasn’t going to continue the Wheeler family in the most conventional way possible. He wasn’t going to get prom king. He wasn’t going to work at an insurance firm, marry a Kathy or a Susan or a Tina and settle down working a 9-5. And that doesn’t even involve his sexuality.

But most importantly, I’m sure Ted noticed that.

There’s often a lot of focus on Will’s relationship with his father (which albeit, is much more front and center.) and how Lonnie often tried to “man up” Will. (I’m not invalidating that in any way.) However, it isn’t very out of character that Ted had very similar concerns and expectations. Definitely on a different scale, but he had them.

No, I don’t think Ted has ever “abused” any of his kids. However I do think he reinforced his expectations in... unhealthy ways. Especially on Mike.

Nancy was (in season 1, but still is.) the “perfect daughter.” She was on the cheer squad. She was pretty, popular (to an extent at some point), good grades, likable, she was doing everything her family wanted her to. She dated the most popular guy in school, and even in season 3, while she is dating Jonathan, she still seems to be doing pretty well. And although she is definitely more independant now, and isn’t following the structure her parents have set up for her (letting the man do the discovering and hunting and all of that, while she sits back as the damsel in distress.) it doesn’t seem like her parents are “disappointed” in her,, or worried about her future. Unlike Mike.

Very early on, I assume, Mike definitely wasn’t the “star son” Ted was looking for. Not the extroverted popular guy, the one who all girls swooned over. I’m sure Ted complained about this and to Karen, and expressed his concerns on why their son wasn’t fulfilling the expectations they set up for him. Instead of star football flayer, he’s a nerd. Instead of a ladies man, he’s well.. not a ladies man. I believe Ted set up these expectations at a very young age. And reinforced them, not in the best ways. He probably tried to in force “manly” stereotypes onto Mike. Maybe even tried to get him into a sport. We see in season 2 that he is forcing mike to “grow up” by giving away some of his toys, because in Ted’s mind, growing up means Mike could finally “man up” which then snowballs in season 3 to Mike feeling like he has to “grow up” so he can “man up” so he won’t be so childish. So he can finally fulfill his parents expectations. So he won’t be such an out cast (which we now know backfires, as he’s in the Hellfire club and will probably be under a lot of scrutiny.)

Mike is aware of these expectations, which only affect his personality and attitude further. I’m sure Ted had ridiculed him on not being athletic enough... failing PE. Not having a girlfriend. Not being very talkative, and when he is talkative having an attitude. Lashing out. Not being popular. Playing board games inside all day instead of going out and playing soccer. And this only affects Mike’s insecurities more.

Mike is insecure that he will never be able to fulfill his parents desires. That he will never be the star football player and valedictorian that all the parents think is phenomenal. And even though Mike hates to admit it, he relies on people, especially his father, for validation. His father very obviously didn’t and doesn’t give him enough love, and his mother, while definitely being more open and caring, can be distant. His family doesn’t give him much attention, which is why he lashes out. He needs attention, and if he can’t get it from his parents, maybe he can get it from other people. Or even worse, he does things, graffitiing the bathroom stall, cussing out people, stealing from Nancy, to get a rise out of his parents. So maybe his parents will notice him, pay attention to him. Ground him, take away his Atari. He may act like he hates it on the outside, but he subconsciously does it on purpose. So he can feel something again. So he can feel recognized. Mike possesses self destructive behavior because of his parents. Because at school, people don’t pay attention to him. At home, people don’t pay attention to him. He’s lost. He’s alone.

And in ways, Mike thinks he’s a failure.

This is where the party comes in.

I think a lot of people seem to round up Mike being against Max joining the party is because he doesn’t want someone to “replace El.” However, while that may be the case, I don’t think that’s all of it.

The reason he didn’t want Max to join the party is because, they are the exact. Same. Type. Of. Person.

Mike was projecting his personal insecurities onto Max because they are so similar. He seems himself in Max. And because he refuses to talk about his own personal problems he will be seen as “more of a freak” he takes them out on Max and ridicules Max for things that he actually ridicules himself for. And also, on a different note. Mike was scared. Scared he’d be replaced. Because his whole life that’s how he was treated. Ted seems to only give out love and praise when it fits his expectations. And when Mike doesn’t reach those expectations, Mike feels like a failure because he is told he is.

Mike is scared of being replaced or abandoned by the Party because he already has been by the rest of his school and his own father.

So Mike was upset that Dustin and Lucas found Max so entertaining, because he was afraid Max would take up his spot in the party. Because although he hates to admit it, she was awesome. Way more awesome than he could ever be. And he saw how cool she was. He felt threatened. Threatened that Dustin and Lucas, and probably Will too, would ditch him for Max.

Max radiates “leader” energy. She has the ability to take charge of a situation when she needs to. She’s cunning. Sarcastic. She can be slick, and doesn’t usually take no for an answer. She’s intimidating.

Mike felt threatened because, well, he is the leader of the party. And he didn’t want this girl to come in and take a hold of that. Because the party is literally all he has. He may act like he has this big ego or whatever, but this is all he has. He’s an out cast. And he needs validation from the party. He likes being a leader, because this is the only setting where he can be one. He isn’t popular, yet the people in the party look up to him. And he likes that attention, the attention that his parents didn’t give him. While Karen and Ted were busy paying attention to Nancy, he was alone. He had no nobody. He still sort of has nobody. But the party is his comfort. It’s his validation, the validation he needs from Ted but doesn’t get. He saw Max’s potentional and was afraid he’d be kicked to the curb. His attitude towards her in season 2 wasn’t because he wanted to be a jerk. It was a defense mechanism.

And the thing is, they really are so similar.

Both have fairly absent fathers. Both are sarcastic. Both are leaders. Both are witty. They are both pretty smart (in different fields.) They are quick thinkers and are both able to take charge of a situation. The reason Mike “hates” Max is because he hates himself. Max is so similar to Mike which makes her an easy target for projection. He both envies her yet holds resentment towards her at the same time.

So Mike’s hatred of Max is because of a few things:

A coping mechanism and fear of being left behind and kicked out of the party because she is the much “cooler” version of him.

And a projection of his true feelings of himself on to her because they are so similar .

Mike has abandonment issues and unhealthy coping mechanisms. But even worse, he has high expectations that he can only meet in unhealthy and unhappy ways.

Mike believes that in order to become a “man” he needs to grow up. That’s something his father taught him. Mike believes that in order to become a “man” he must find a young lady to settle down with. He must settle in life. Work a 9-5. Have a wife that bares children.

Which is why it utterly shocks and scares mike that he can’t even fulfill that expectation either.

When Mike first realizes his feelings for Will, I don’t think he fully acknowledges it. I don’t think he wants himself to. Because he is fully aware that in his fathers eyes he is a failure. And even to himself, he sees himself as a failure. So it upsets him that the one thing, the ONE thing, that he thought he could do to make his parents happy, the one thing that would dig himself out of this hole, the one thing that would make Ted “proud” of him, being straight, isn’t possible for him. It scares him. He’s already messed up this far. He isn’t athletic, popular, talkative. Why can’t he just have this one thing? This one sense of normalcy?

So he pushes it away. I think he’s had these feelings for Will for a long time. In season one, he definitely had them, but didn’t realize or acknowledge them. In season two I definitely think he realized something was up, but just didn’t wanna believe it.

I do think he cares about El, and loves her platonically. However I also think that after he accessed that his feelings towards Will weren’t totally “bromantic.” , he began overcompensating. He pushed Will away in fear that if he connected with Will even more he’d act on his feelings. Now I don’t think he’s fully acknowledged his feelings yet, all I think is that he knew something was up and tried to stop it from flourishing. He was still under the impression that this was a “phase.” That all he has to do is “grow up.” Because he equates straight love with growing up and settling down. His feelings for Will are “childish.” He attempts (and fails) to act like an “adult” or a “man” by saying misogynistic things against El, (like the usual 80’s man would), by regularly using slang like “Man” or “Dude” against Will, which was a first. And calls himself a “7 year old” when he reverts back to talking about getting new toys for Christmas. This boy is reallyyyy trying to push his straight agenda here.

Then, after about 10 months of trying to push this “straight agenda”, by constantly reminding the party that he is in a STRAIGHT RELATIONSHIP. By acting all lovey dovey in front of the party yet never showing that alleged affection to El on screen. (Saying he loved el, came off as if he was trying to impress the party, or further prove he is “straight”, yet not being able to say it back to her. Acting like he’s all in love and crazy for el when he runs off the weather top in s3 e1, yet just going through the motions of making out with El and even taking her hands off of him behind closed doors.) Point is, he barks more than he bites.

Remember how I said this boy needs a lot of validation to function? Yeah well this is where that comes in.

He needs validation that people believe he’s in a straight relationship. He constantly reminds the party that he is and almost seems like he’s really trying to push it. He’s overcompensating. Because he NEEDS people to believe that he’s in a straight relationship so that he believes it himself. Because in his head, if people believe he is then, he is. Nobody knows what they don’t know. They never have to find out about his attraction to guys if he doesn’t show it. And in the beginning it’s paying off well. The party really believes it. But then he messes up big time and it all crumbles down. Very curious if Lucas ever realized how quickly Mike went off in the rain to fetch Will when he couldn’t even call El by phone.

But as I said, after 10 months of this “facade”, El says she loves him back, something he either actually forgot about or lied about forgetting, and kisses him. And then he stands there, and it turns out, all that work, all that time he spent, lying to himself and to the party, didn’t work. He realized that this isn’t just a phase. It’s real. He can’t just overcompensate for this. He cant just pray it away.

Mike, early on, developed an insecurity of not having a girlfriend because of the bullies at school and his father. No girl ever paid attention to him. He was sidelined, and the only people that even really knew his name were the members of the party. He saw how Will got bullied. And he was bullied for similar things too. He saw the aids epidemic spread infront of his eyes. He saw how homosexuals were treated. He didn’t want that to be him. Because he had already failed his parents and their expectations (Atleast in his eyes.) He already failed the kids at school and is seen as a nerd or outcast, why couldn’t he just have one thing that would make him “normal” . Being straight was essentially Mike’s only opportunity to be “normal”, to not be seen as such an outcast, and now that opportunity is taken away from him because well, he isnt straight.

So then El came in and to El, Mike was this warrior. To El, Mike was this strong, charming, fearless ‘man.’ And Mike knew that wasn’t true. He knows he’s just a small town kid that’s a total nerd and a total joke to the kids at school, but El didnt and doesn’t know that. With El, he’s allowed to be something he’s not. And that made Mike happy. Someone gave him attention. Someone didn’t actually think of him as a “failure.” All the girls at school found him repulsive. He had already assumed he’d have to settle for a trophy wife. But El came into the picture and allowed him to appear normal for once.

I do think Mike loves El platonically, but I also think that he subconsciously liked her for his own personal benefits. Lucas said it the best. He liked her because she’s the first girl that isn’t grossed out by him.

He cares about El a lot, that’s undeniable, but he also thought that in El, he saw a chance to be normal. To impress his father who already assumed he was a lost cause. El was his gateway to being straight.

TLDR:

So what I encourage you all to realize is:

Being gay In the 80’s is hard as it is, but mike’s personal complexes and his parents expectations make it extra hard. He feels even more like a failure. Because out of everything, he isn’t straight. He isn’t athletic, popular, isn’t well liked, and he’s disappointed his father, when all he’s ever wanted was to impress his father, and now he knows he never really will be able to.

Mike’s journey in season 4 deserves to be about self acceptance. About learning to love yourself. Mike relies heavily on other people’s validation and attention. So when he isn’t given that attention he lashes out. Mike feels unloved and like a failure. He needs to be the leader of the party because he feels like that’s the only form of leadership he’ll ever have. He likes that in the parties eyes and in el’s eyes, he’s on this pedestal, because in his mind that’s the only pedestal he’ll ever stand on. Mike is full of self esteem issues, anxiety, ptsd, and most likely depression. He deserves to be uncondiontially loved by someone. But most of all, he deserves to love himself and become comfortable with the fact that A. A nerd and shouldn’t be ashamed of his nerdy hobbies and B. He isn’t straight and that’s okay! He needs to learn to accept his sexuality. Season 4 is the deciding season. I believe we will see him go through a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of realizations. But the end of season 3 was very telling as to where his arc is headed.

Mike’s reliability on validation and need for attention leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms. He’s been keeping up this fake agenda of “being straight” and shoving it in his friends faces in order to convince himself that he IS straight and that these feelings for Will are just a matter of “being a child” and needing to “grow up” , which backfires. His father has implemented a lot of these insecurities into his head. He wants to grow up faster than the rest of the party because growing up means finally being a man, which would in turn, impress his father. And impressing his father means he’d be loved by his father. And being loved by his father means getting attention from his father. The attention he has never received. Ted has affected Mike in more ways than most people notice. That needs to be addressed. I hope to see Mike come to terms with who he is. The fact that he’s a nerd, the fact that he is a “freak” and that’s okay, and the fact that he’s not straight, which is also okay.

Mike isn’t a bad character. He is misunderstood and really really just needs a hug.

SUPER SORRY FOR LONG POST. PLEASE REBLOG AS THIS NEEDED TO BE SAID. GOOD NIGHT YALL <3

#stranger things #byler #stranger things 4 #mike wheeler #st4 #byler is endgame #stranger things season four

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artemiseamoon · 4 years ago

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Healing Waters

King Harald. FineHair x F Water Nymph (black)

These new gifs give me so many ideas! I might get lost in the deep of Viking fandom for a bit. Just so y’all know.

Gif credit to @honestsycrets | part 1 of 3

AN: SO I only realized after, I posted the wrong version and I am so annoyed. Here is the edited correct version.

Placing her fingers on the ground, she threads them through the grass as she takes in the sight before her.

The mysterious man, a Viking, bathes in the waters on his own. In the distance, the rest of his group relaxes in the woods.

All the other nymphs went into hiding, waiting for these large men to take their leave before resuming their routines.

It was rare, having humans out here. Whoever these men were, they found themselves on a barely visited part of land.

Abiona watches as he washes his arms, the water taking away the dirt and revealing clean skin.

Her eyes follow his movements, settling on his broad back. He looks strong, steady. She wishes she could remove the dirt for him, to feel his skin under hers. She imagines running her finger over his neat braid, only to undo it and see him with his hair down.

While the others felt fear, with valid reason, she found herself hypnotized. Who was this man?

He turns in the water, revealing his profile. The white hairs peppered in his beard make him look wise. The revelation of his handsome face, though tattooed, only deepens her attraction.

But his eyes, they caused her to frown. He was indeed an unhappy man, a tortured man, a man with regrets. Even so, she could see underneath all of it he was a good man, a man with so much love to give. Love that turned sour and sat stagnant with nowhere to go.

Moved to tears, Abiona wipes her eyes and silences a sniffle. At that moment she must have done something wrong. When she looks back up, the man's heavy blue eyes are on her.

The grumpy expression on his face is now replaced by curiosity. When his lips part, Abiona panics and sinks behind the hill, quickly retreating back to the caves.

More soon

I know , if im lucky, I get like 15 notes on vikings stuff thats not Ivar (esp Harald and Halfdan stuff, where the fans at????) but I’m posting this anyway.

If anyone wants a tag let me know 💜

Permanent @readsalot73 @phoenixhalliwell @buckysalefty @roxypeanut @laketaj24 @lovinglokiforever @nerdypinupcrystar @tephi101 @wigwitch @gallowsjoker @autumnleaves1991-blog @jedi-mando @ladylothlorien @lilangeldevil006 @rosiefridayrogersunday @idreamofboobear Vikings: @naaladareia @oldstuffnewstuff @charming-merlin @laketaj24 @tephi017 @pomegranates-and-blood @fandomfic-galore @sagitariusrising King Harald Finehair: @alicedopey @gearhead66 @blk-glitter-girl

#king harald finehair #king harald imagine #vikings masterlist #masterlist #black water nymph #king Harald x water nymph ofc #fic: healing waters #updated

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cognacdelights · 4 years ago

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hey, i just wanted to ask why u don’t like jj and kie? no hate! i’m actually still on the fence about them myself.. and want to hear arguments against :)

i don’t not like jj and kie. i like both of them individually as people. as friends.

jiara has so so sooooo many negative and harmful connotations. especially now.

first of all, i just don’t see even so much as an ounce of romantic or sexual chemistry between them. it’s purely platonic. and that’s emphasised by the fact that kiara has already turned down jj. the whole ship is based off looks and the line “did you tell jj?” apparently if you look at someone that means you’re in love with them now. also, let’s talk about how “did you tell jj?” is literally just because kiara doesn’t want her business spread around, especially not to the one person who encouraged the kids in the first place. oh look! another reason why they aren’t into each other… because why would jj encourage john b to kiss someone that he likes or has feelings for? it doesn’t make sense. people can’t separate platonic and romantic feelings and it’s really sad.

kiara is literally nothing but a love interest. she has no qualities or characterisation beyond being the girl that the boys all fancy and think is hot, and the girl that they’ve all (or will all) kiss. where is her story arcs and characterisation beyond that? she doesn’t have any. she has so much potential to be a defining character in her own right with impactful storylines but no she’s being wasted on just being somebody’s lover. her entire personality and storyline is just “the girl who kissed all of her guy friends”.

it literally reinforces the stereotype that girls and guys can’t be friends. so by the time jiara happens, kiara would have been romantically linked with every one of her male friends. and this isn’t a “she can’t date so many people” thing, it’s WHO she’s dating and kissing. guys and girls can be friends without romantic and sexual feelings. it’s important not to reinforce negative stereotypes in media but instead replace them with positive ones! let her have a friend that she doesn’t kiss because nobody kisses every single one of their friends for a start, and the fact that you’re taking away the fact that she has a meaningful friendship with any of these people. let her just have a friend for once.

let’s talk about the fact that the entire premise of the show is that it’s about found family. it’s supposed to be about their friendship and how they rely on each other as if they’re family, how they’re always their for each other. the argument that “it’s a teen drama it has to have romance!” is redundant because it already has a romance. john b and sarah are your teen drama romance. not every storyline or character arc has to be or should be about a romance or relationship. that’s excessive and tacky. it’s so much more wholesome and enjoyable to watch them have a friendship. there are so many more interesting routes they could go down with both of their characters.

jj is literally not psychologically ready for a relationship. the boy has a bucket load of unresolved trauma from both of his parents and the shitty things they did/do to him. he’s got trust issues, abandonment issues, daddy issues, mommy issues, a hell of a lot of anger pent up, a severely disturbed love map, a bad example of a relationship to go off, a bucket load of bad habits and coping mechanisms, and no emotional intelligence. that relationship would be a train wreck; jj would not treat kiara the way she needs to be treated or deserves to be because he doesn’t know how, and his plethora of issues will literally forbid him. kiara would constantly be “fixing” him and his problems. that whole outlook on a relationship is toxic and unhealthy. jj isn’t a project for her to fix, nor is that the point of a relationship. it would be all give and no take on her part, and all take and no give on his part. you’re literally promoting unhealthy and toxic relationships. she would be his mother and not his girlfriend.

it will alter the dynamic of the pogues friendship completely. pope has romantic feelings for kie, so how can jj then go and steal his best friend’s girlfriend/lover without there being any consequences? pope would never just accept that, as nobody should. and if he’s just okay with it then it’s a completely unrealistic reaction. jj and kiara can no longer be friends with pope, which then puts john b and sarah in an awkward situation in the middle of it. they literally cannot be friends anymore. it’s a show about these kids and their friendship. jiara literally ruins that. completely. what is the point of the show if there is no friendship?

fan servicing literally ruins the show. you take a select group of people and give them what they want. ok, you’ve just upset and lost the rest of your fans now. ratings drop. views are down. now it’s cancelled prematurely. even the fans that did want it aren’t happy because it wasn’t done how they want it to be. everybody just ends up unhappy and hating the show. the original plan for the show will always be a million times better than whatever the fans come up with, always. it’s more authentic and makes more sense.

do i even want to get into how toxic and disgusting the fans are? they throw around words like racism and feminism to bully you into shipping their ship, they send you death threats when you make valid points, they force their content down your throat, they literally mob you with anons and harass you for having a different opinion to them, they’re rude and hostile, and are just extremely entitled. they think they’re owed jiara. they make the fandom such an unsafe space for a lot of people and are the reason so many people feel as though they can’t have an opinion. they preach about letting people enjoy things and having their own opinions whilst literally sending death threats and forcing you to like their ship to validate themselves.

i could go on for hours about how it’s the worst thing that could happen to outer banks.

#replies

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glorytoukraine2022 · 4 years ago

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Hey everyone! I’m back with another analysis! This time I’m going to do a comparison of reformed villains from Elena of Avalor and Tangled the Series. The main reformed villains I will be comparing is Cassandra, to four reformed villains from the two aforementioned shows. If you’re a fan of both shows, you probably might know who they are.

First up, will be Cassandra vs Varian. I know this is an obvious choice I’m starting off with, but given that these two are from the same show, they’re the easiest to analyze. TTS does everything it can to push comparisons between Varian and Cassandra and make them seem like parallels. However, these two couldn’t be more different.

Varian didn’t want to turn to crime. He only became a criminal because he was pushed to it. When Varian lost his dad, he asked for help not only from Rapunzel, but the entire kingdom as a whole. But because of a false rumor going around the kingdom claiming that Varian had attacked Rapunzel. Rapunzel never cleared the rumor, nor did she follow up on Varian’s request for help. The King sent guards to chase Varian out of his home in order to cover up the destruction of the rocks, isolating Varian from society and any possible aid. Varian was still wron, but he literally had no other options left.

Cassandra, however? She was faced with no such situation. Her life was pretty stable when she stole the moonstone. Was it perfect? No, but if she was so unhappy, than she could have left anytime. She was even offered an opportunity to become a warrior of the kingdom of Ingvarr, but chose to stay because of her friendship with Rapunzel.

Like Varian, Cassandra too was mistreated by Rapunzel. I don’t blame either of them for wanting to leave her. Yet the show didn’t use any of these valid reasons as her motive for Cassandra stealing the moonstone. Instead, they decided to have Cassandra victim-blame Rapunzel for her own kidnaping.

The entirety of season 3, we see Cassandra gaslighting an abuse victim. Gothel didn’t kidnap Rapunze because she loved her more than Cassandra. She only cared about her magic hair.

Varian realized his actions were wrong long before the events of season 3, but nobody in Corona gave him a chance, leading to him turning to a Terrorist Leader. But when the Saporians revealed that they were going to destroy Completely using Varian’s chemicals, Varian turned against the Saporians to save Corona and it’s citizens, despite how the kingdom mistreated him, because it was the right thing to do. Cassandr, on the other hand, was about to rip the Sundrop straight from Rapunzel, despite her clearly being in pain.

For my next comparison, it will be Cassandra vs. Victor and Carla Delgado. One could argue that Cassandra saw the power of the moonstone as a power conduit and a means of respect, similarly to how Victor and Carla saw being Malvagos. However, given that TTS does seem to give a clear or specific reason for Cassandra’s theft of the stone, it’s honestly hard to say if power, respect or anything, for that matter, is Cassandra’s motive. “Destiny“, is also given as a motivation, but it’s hard to tell. Whereas Victor and Carla’s motivations for becoming Malvagos is clearly stated that they saw it as a means to gain power, in order to gain respect, which, quite frankly, makes more sense than anything that came out of Cassandra’s mouth throughout her entire villain arc.

Yes, Cassandra and Carla were both abandoned by their naristsstic, power-hungry mothers, but the way each of them reacted to it couldn’t have been more different. When Ash betrayed Victor and Carla by turning Victor to stone, Carla was devastated, and who wouldn’t be? Yet in that moment she saw her mother for who she truly was and turned against her, standing by her father when he needed her.

Now Cassandra? Let’s see, she went on a rampage to hurt her friends and others innocent people and ATTACKED her father. See the difference? One could argue that Cassandra was four when Gothel abandoned her whereas Carla was 19, but Cassandr’s memory of Gothel’s abandonment was repressed until Zhan Tiri showed it to her in The House of Yesterday’s Tomorow. Even though it happened when Cassandra was at a young age, when she remembered it, she was a 24 year old woma, and should have handled it with the maturity of a young adult.

Nobody is saying that Cassandra isn’t allowed to feel hurt. Nobody is saying she isn’t allowed to react badly. That she isn’t allowed to confront her father on the truth if she feels that he kept it from her. But you’d think she’d react in a mature manner. That she’d be willing to hear her father out and talk to him about it rather than straight out attack him!

Carla clearly wanted her mother in her life. She wanted a relationship with her. Cassandra also clearly wanted to be raised by her birth mother, but their mothers made their own choices. Ash and Gothel chose to abandon their daughters for selfish purposes. They can’t change who their mothers are, as much as they might want to. The difference is, only Carla has the maturity to realize that. She also realizes that she has her father, who loves and cares about her more than anything in the whole wide world. Cassandra disregards all of this.

From what we know about Victor and Carla’s childhoods’ Victor had fun days at the palace racing Esteban down the halls, playing hide and seek and cooking with him and Elena. Carla had fun cooking with her father as a child. But some of their lines from “Don’t Look Now”, tell us that their childhoods weren’t exactly peachy. According to Victor, if you had seen him as a child, he would have “always had a frown” because he was put down by others and was “treated like a clown” whenever he tried to stand up. And let’s not forget that him and his family were banished by Shuriki while Victor was still in his teens.

According to Carla, she and Victor were “always on the move“ and that the only thing that never changed was that she would “always feel alone.” The reasons she and Victor could never settle down was probably because they survived as theives and con-artists. If they were alwlays on the move, than Carla probably nevertheless had the chance to make friends growing up. And we’re suppoesd to feel sorry for CASSANDRA?!

While it’s possible she might have felt looked down upon like Victor, Cassandra had a pretty stable life growing up. Growing up inside a CASTLE! She was even allowed to train for the Royal Guard at age six! Victor and Carla had to resort to becoming con artists for a living, and Cassandra is pouting just because she didn’t get the job she wanted?!

When Carla nearly fell to her death after she was knocked over a ledge, Victor was terrified that he was going to lose Carla right then and there, causing him to realize that power wasn’t worth the price of losing his daughter. This gave him the incentive and courage to stand up to Ash for Carla’s safety, and end dark pursuits right then and there. Ash responded to this by turning him into stone. Heartbroken and angered by Ash’s betrayal, and realizing her mother’s true nature, Carla stands against Ash and reforms as well.

Victor and Carla may have once believed that power would gain them the respect they’ve always wanted, but in the end, realized that they never needed power. All they ever truly needed to be happy was love and family. Each other. That’s what I call a true, remarkable redemption. Cassandra didn’t seem to learn or realize anything based on her experience. To this day, I still don’t understand just what new insights and changes resulted from Cassandra’s “redemption.” All Zhan Tiri did was take the moonstone from her. There should have been more than that to her redemption.

Now, last, but not least, Cassandra vs Esteban. Now, I saved this one for last, because Esteban is the one I’ve heard people compare Cassandra to, and while I understand where they are coming from, I still have my objections. I’ve heard people compare Esteban to Cassandra based on the fact that they both had a desire to be noticed. While I understand this comparison, I still feel like Esteban is the more sympathetic of the two.

As much as Esteban wanted to be listened to, he always loved his family deeply. But he always made the mistake of trusting the wrong people, first Shuriki, then Ash, and then the Four Shades. He trusted them, only for them to go after the people he loved and wanted to listen to him in the first place. Cassandra wanted to be listen to, but she didn’t care if it cost her everyone that had ever cared about her. We see this early on in season 1, during “Challenge of the Brave”, when she tries to sabotage Rapunzel’s chances in “Challenge of the Brave” by stealing her weapon of choice, and in “Great Expotations“, when she breaks her promise to Varian that she would be his assistant at the Science Expo if he completed her Handmaiden duties for her, just so she could be on guard duty.

Both Cassandra and Esteban are ambitius and have sought to undermine their family/friends if given the oppourtunity, but I felt that Esteban was always more misunderstood whereas Cassandra was just willing to screw over anybody in her way. Think about it, even after Esteban joined up with Ash, he NEVER EVER wanted to hurt his family, and was always going out of his way to protect them and migiate harm. Cassandra, on the other hand? Went on a killing spree to murder her friends and cause as much destruction as possible.

I have also heard people comparing their redemptions and complaining about how they were both “last minute.” While I would agree in regards to Cassandra, I would NOT say the same about Esteban. As I pointed out in previous paragraph, Cassandra was still hell bent on hurting Rapunzel before Zhan Tiri grabbed the moonstone. Just before that scene, Esteban had just sung a duet with Elsa about how remorseful he feels for everything he’s done and all the people he’s hurt.

Iv’e also heard people comparing their “deaths”, claiming that Cassandra dying was a self sacrifice. NO. I REPEAT. Cassandra’s death in the TTS finale was NOT a self sacrifice! A self sacrifice is when you knowingly put yourself in harm’s way for someone or something else, knowing that you’ll be killed, or seriously injured in the process. Esteban teleporting in front of Elena to take Cahu’s time grain, was a self sacrific. Anna choosing to save Elsa from Hans in Frozen was a self sacrifice. Cassandr’s death was NOT self sacrifice. Cassandra and Rapunzel didn’t believe they were going to die or suffer any consequences by uniting the stones. The only person who they bellived would die was the person who United the stones, that person being Zhan Tiri. Cassandra’s actions were not self sacrificial, in any way, shape or form. What Esteban did for Elena in that moment was more powerful than anything Cassandra did in the finale.

All of these people I talked about above were better villains than Cassandr, with much better motivations, and are More worthy of redemption as have becom better people than she ever will be. If Cassandra ever grows in the futur, sh’ll be lucky if she ever gets at least half to where all these wonderful people are today.

I’m sorry if this analysis isn’t as good as my others so far. I stayed up until 3:40 AM writing this, so I apologize for any sloppiness or spelling mistakes you might see. I still hope you enjoyed my thoughts!

#elena of avalor #eoa #Carla Delgado #Victor Delgado #tangled varian #chancellor esteban #anti cassandra #tts #tangled the series #rapunzles tangled adventure

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wangxiandecoded · 5 years ago

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Episode 10

Previous Episode | Next Episode

(Spoilers for the whole show ahead!)

Going to draw a heart over Wangxian to keep track of every time the camera shows someone third wheeling them from now on.

Wei Ying uses his Binding/Bonding talisman on Xue Yang to show Lan Zhan it’s a dynamic tool that doesn’t deserve to be named “Boring”. Even though there’s a serial killer on the loose, Lan Zhan’s opinions on his inventions matter a lot to him. Standard Wei Ying stuff.

Wangxian’s Mirrors

At this point of the show, I could not believe there was a couple who directly mirrored Wangxian. And surprise! They were two men who dressed in black and white and came together for their common vision exactly like Wangxian did. Wei Ying cannot help but connect the dots and Lan Zhan is already aware of their eminence.

Xue Yang Fancies The Yiling Laozu

Xue Yang’s introduction makes the story take a darker turn but also a gayer one. The homoerotic subtext between him and Wei Ying literally jumps out of the screen.

(This episode had a lot of moments that were just begging for alternate dialogues to be written. I just wanted to have fun with the subtext that’s already present.)

Wei Ying doesn’t want Lan Zhan to waste his precious breath interrogating the bad guy. He protectively steps up (something he does quite a lot) and puts some distance between the both of them.

But he wants Lan Zhan to hold his sword while he does that.. and if that act wasn’t necessarily considered to be intimate or romantic before, it just became that after Lan Zhan refused to do it in front of everyone.

Wei Ying has uttered many conspicuously gay things on the show but most of them are with reference to Lan Zhan. Therefore, this is possibly the gayest dialogue he has ever said in a strictly non-Lan Zhan context.

His tone is all, “Honey, you've been existing for 5 minutes, I'm the queerest person the cultivation world has seen in a millennium. You think frisking a guy is going to make me feel scandalized?” This is nuts to me because Xue Yang is arguably the most blatantly coded gay character on the show.. and here is Wei Ying all but saying he can outgay him. That he shouldn’t come after his job. And Lan Zhan just looks like..

It is curious how Lan Zhan says no to something that would require Wei Ying to go near Xue Yang again.

We get it, Lan Zhan. It was hard to see your guy giving attention to someone who wasn’t you.

When Lan Zhan is unsure what's happening back home, the first person his eyes seek is Wei Ying, his source of strength and reassurance.

SongXiao Help WangXian Fall Deeper In Love

Wei Ying is euphoric to meet another pair of Soulmates™. (The same kind of glee that queer people feel when they meet a celebrity queer couple.) His relationship with Lan Zhan just gained supreme validation and a boost to the power of infinity!

He sees everything he has with Lan Zhan reflected in SongXiao’s relationship. He admires them and is delighted that people like them who aren’t concerned with clan drama can walk the wider path of justice, and also lead successful, honourable lives. He looks to Lan Zhan for confirmation but Lan Zhan doesn’t seem too eager to publicize the super sweet promise they made at the lantern ceremony or the fact that he’s been secretly enjoying Wei Ying’s companionship on this expedition. And let’s be honest, it would’ve been more shocking if Lan Zhan did confirm any of that here.

Cheer up, Wei Ying! Lan Zhan will get plenty more opportunities to prove his love for you and he'll ace every single one of them.

No one asked for this but thank you NHS for declaring your ideal type is beautiful gentlemen who fight crime together and unapologetically go their own way.

The parallels between the two pairs write themselves. More importantly, it is while watching SongXiao leave together that Lan Zhan stumbles onto an epiphany.

This is such an underrated moment in the show. The sorrowful music and slow-motion shot of Lan Zhan looking at Wei Ying with vulnerability all over his face once again drives it home that Wei Ying is The One for him, and he is his. He was already getting tired of denying that Wei Ying is his soulmate in every sense there is, and he feels his pain and sadness in this moment. It is enough for Jiang Cheng to feel sorry for him and move on but not for Lan Zhan who feels all that his soulmate feels.

It is overwhelming and brand new information to Lan Zhan himself that he can feel it because Wei Ying is not in impending danger right now, so this need he feels to protect him and be there for him can only mean that he loves him beyond the shadow of a doubt. Wei Ying seems upset thinking about his mother and Lan Zhan gets it, without Wei Ying having uttered a word the whole time. His face shows a kind of defeat in this scene; he surrenders to everything he has known and felt for some time now : He's in love with Wei Ying and would tear down the universe without a second thought if it means it would rid him of his unhappiness. And he isn't able to do that in this moment. But thanks to Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen, he’s found comfort in the truth they have each other at the end of the day, even if they have nothing left in this world. He cannot give back to Wei Ying what he has lost but he can accompany him in his sadness, and it will have to be enough. And it is, because Wei Ying can overcome just about everything as long as Lan Zhan walks by his side.

Wei Ying Says Lan Clan Deserves Rights

Wei Ying has many nice things to say about the Lan clan who he found exhausting a few months ago. Love brings about miraculous changes in a person, y’all.

Wei Ying gravitates towards Lan Zhan as if it's second nature to him and it really is.

Jiang Cheng spends a lot of time trying to get Wei Ying to spill the Top Secrets about the Yin Iron and Wei Ying is like, "Sorry, I’m bound by the Soulmate laws to tell you absolutely nothing."

Wei Ying is already embracing the idea of controlling the Yin Iron and people are rightfully getting offended by his suggestion.

What did you expect, Wei Ying? Not everyone is your lifetime confidant to give you the benefit of the doubt and reciprocate it with compassion, trust and open-mindedness.

Wangxian’s Temporary Separation

What was that, Wei Ying? Did we hear you admit that the Gusu Lan roof is softer than the one in Qinghe? Could this have anything to do with a certain law enforcer in Cloud Recesses you fell in love with at first sword fight?

There is a delicate, bittersweet air to this separation, and even the casual watcher is going to be wondering, “When did I get so invested in Wangxian that WuJi makes me want to cry?”

It's cute how Lan Zhan is like, “Okay, I’ve seen the love of my life for one last time, I’ll quietly take my leave so he doesn’t know I was waiting for him to come back.”

Turns out, "I'll sleep on your roof tonight," is one of the most romantic things we could tell the person we love. Isn't it brilliant that just few seconds ago Wei Ying had said he will take whatever ground he finds as his home for the night, and how utterly beautiful is it to have followed it up with this dialogue? “Lan Zhan, I'll sleep on your roof tonight.” Because the world is big but my home is wherever you are. That’s where I’m happiest, I'll sleep on this rugged roof and walk through thorns if it means I get to be by your side. I won't mind it at all. And how unbelievably romantic is it that Wei Ying makes a philosophical statement about life, which ends up being about Lan Zhan?

Lan Zhan hears the implications in his voice. And he openly yearns to stay behind a little longer and commit to his memory what Wei Ying looks like when he is drunkenly proclaiming his love for him under the moonlight. It is pleasantly surprising that Lan Zhan is willing to express his emotions when he knows he is safe from Wei Ying hearing them, that he doesn't mind telling him goodbye when he thinks Wei Ying won't remember it.

But the audience can hear his voice and we are going to remember it. How, "Wei Ying, I have to go," is uttered in a cadence so sweet we did not know Lan Zhan was capable of before this. And the choice of words do not simply mean that he’s going to leave, but that he has to, and most certainly not because he wants to. And how it really means, “I’m worried about everything, but especially you, and I'm sorry I have to go. I have to trust that we'll both be okay on this path. Please know that I don't wish to leave you, and forgive me for it. Wei Ying, I love you."

Even their temporary separation hurts so good. If they were meant to be best buddies, this scene wouldn't have been shot so poignantly. But we got used to seeing them together and every frame is designed to dig deeper into your heart and instil the fact that these soulmates are parting, and we don’t know when they’ll see each other again. This is the melancholy of a man who does not wish to be away from his lover but is forced to for the sake of the greater good. Anyone can see that.

The rooftop and moonlit night come as a callback to their first meeting, only Lan Zhan no longer wants to point the tip of his sword at Wei Ying, it gives him far greater satisfaction to place Wei Ying behind his sword.

I haven’t counted the number of times people acknowledge Wangxian’s relationship and/or know that they are inseparable, but it’s safe to say almost every character does that at some point. And some even know how to exploit their weakness, that in order to hurt one of them, the surefire way is to simply aim for the other like Wen Chao does here.

To summarize, Episode 10 saw Lan Zhan showing us his true colors : When he isn’t occupied with being the esteemed, intimidating Lan Wangji, he’s busy being a regular, sweet, romantic guy in love. And Wei Ying did that. He single-handedly exposes the soft side of Lan Zhan that nobody sees to the audience now and the world later on.

This episode also gave us this : Two soulmates chilling shoulder to shoulder zero feet apart because they’re falling in love.

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aceredshirt13 · 4 years ago

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The parallels between Raymond and Adrian break my heart, and because of it I will forever be pushing my Raymond-Adrian friendship agenda. (But if you wanna know why - and okay a lot of it is because of how I personally view the characters, but still - you’re gonna have to go under the cut, because this accidentally got too long to handle.)

I mean, they’ve both got such similar stories! Yes, some of it is based on my own headcanons (which are VERY long so I won’t go into them), since we don’t know for sure what led them to meet their mentors, but I have to think that the reason Gregory and Celeste were such inspirations to them is because before they met them, they felt profoundly lost. Working for them didn’t just give Raymond and Adrian a role model - I think it gave them a whole new lease on life.

(The bitter irony being that the very people who gave them that lease on life would soon lose their own.)

And, well, this is entirely my opinion, but I don’t know that Gregory and Celeste were just role models in their eyes, if you catch my drift.

There’s being inspired by someone, admiring someone, wanting to be like someone… and there’s the attachment these two had to their mentors. Seventeen years after Gregory’s death, Raymond is still working in an office that bears his name, and wearing his clothes, when no other lawyer who has lost a mentor has done the same - held on so tightly to a memory. Adrian is shown to have been intensely dependent on Celeste (who was quite fragile, herself, considering her actions) to the point of trying to emulate her entirely as a coping mechanism after her death, even trying to take her own life because she couldn’t stand to live without her. Their wounds manifest as grudges- Raymond’s unfair one toward Miles for what he sees as him turning his back on Gregory’s memory, and Adrian being so furious (and rightly so) at Matt and Juan that she tries to frame Matt for Juan’s murder.

Now, I’ve had a good number of role models in my life - friends, teachers, etc. - who have had a positive impact on me. It would be, and would especially have been in the time which I directly knew them, devastating to lose them as suddenly and painfully as Raymond and Adrian did. But I don’t think my grief for them would have driven me to those lengths - I question whether I would go to those lengths even if I lost my own parents. So I have to wonder if it was more than that.

I have to wonder if it was love.

There are certainly stances that contradict this - in Raymond’s case, much of the fandom concludes that he must have seen Gregory as a surrogate father (which used to be my only stance in regard to Raymond’s feelings - even now, I do still like that theory, too), and in Adrian’s, the anime writers, apparently having thought that she seemed like too much of a lesbian, decided to declare her and Celeste to be sisters. And while those are valid interpretations (though I and most of the fandom are quite unhappy with the real homophobic-feeling choice to make Adrian and Celeste biological sisters instead of just saying they were like sisters or something), I don’t think a more romantic sort of affection is any less valid than those. Even going beyond their reactions to losing them, you can look at how Raymond’s eyes light up when Gregory does literally anything, and see how though we never meet Celeste, she is clearly Adrian’s entire world. Can any of us non-aro folks really say we’ve never fallen for someone who inspired us?

The parallels don’t end there, either. If you subscribe to the theory of love, then they both share a degree of impossibility, real or perceived. Gregory and Celeste are their superiors and if that weren’t enough, Gregory is quite a bit older than Raymond, and Celeste is getting engaged. Their mentors also strike me as people whose sharp intelligence, outward confidence, and great proficiency in their field (as well as them just being sweethearts) hides insecurity and a profound loneliness - seen by Gregory’s struggles with social interaction, and the fact that being dumped by her fiancé was enough for Celeste to feel it wasn’t worth being alive. So the people they inspired, and unknowingly captured the hearts of, reach out to them - not out of a belief that anything will ever come of it (Ray and Adrian’s self-esteem is too low for that), but just out of a desire to know them, to befriend them, to help them realize that they aren’t alone, and that they’ll always have someone there for them. Sometimes, even just making them smile for a moment is enough.

Part of them, I think, wanted to confess someday, to free them of this white-hot anxiety in their chests, but they postponed it. They could wait until they were braver, and older, and more confident.

(...How could they have known they wouldn't have enough time?)

So I like to think that for the brief period of time when Adrian is in prison, breaking down, fearing she’ll be imprisoned and possibly executed for a murder she didn’t commit, it is Raymond that offers to be her defense attorney should the case go to trial.

Because Raymond looks at Adrian, hears her story and her circumstances, and she reminds him of himself all those years ago.

Luckily, it never comes to that, and Adrian is set free, but I think maybe, by chance or deliberately, the two of them meet up again and become friends, as well as shoulders to lean on. Who could understand better, right?

And they stay friends, as they grow older, and find love in other places, and move on.

#red randomness #ace attorney #raymond shields #adrian andrews #gregory edgeworth #celeste inpax #gregray #celesdrian #yes this is based on my obscure shippy headcanons BUT #look SOMEBODY has to put content on these tags #even if that content is just sad yells #I would say this friendship is mlm/wlw solidarity but Ray sure do also l the ws #ace attorney spoilers

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cake-writes · 5 years ago

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making the beast beautiful (one)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader (cheating); Steve x Reader (married)

Story Warnings: Mental Illness, Borderline Personality Disorder, Splitting, Clinical Depression, Suicidal Ideation, Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Low Self-Esteem, Cheating, Angst, Drug Addiction / Abuse (Cigarettes, later Alcohol & Pills), Recovery, idk it’s gonna get depressing but we’ll have a happy ending!!!, Eventual Smut, 18+

Summary: Bucky knows the struggle, the pain, the emptiness. He understands. He can relate, because he knows. And some days, he still struggles – even told you once how low he’s been. But Steve? Your sweet, loving husband of a year and a half? No, Steve doesn’t understand. He can’t, no matter how hard he tries. So one day, you finally give up and give in to your most self-destructive temptation of all: your preoccupation with his best friend.

A/N: i know this is another wip SORRY but it’s literal word vomit because ya girl just really needed to yeet these sad bitch feels into outer space lmao 🤷

Your addiction to him starts slow, like the creep of nicotine through your veins from the cigarettes that he offers you on the rooftop.

Not often enough to do any damage, you try to tell yourself about your smoking habit – or maybe what you actually mean is the amount of time you spend with him. Bucky Barnes. Your husband’s best friend. Your former teammate. Not that it matters, because from one night to the next it’s all you can do to cling to the one good thing you have left, the one ray of light– or maybe he’s the one last shred of hope you’re willing to bind yourself to like a lifeline.

And if it snaps, you’ll fall.

Too bad the threads are already starting to fray.

And lucky, lucky you that you fall even sooner, because your reality has shifted to one shade off from normal, and you can hardly tell what’s right and what’s wrong anymore. You want to prioritize yourself because you know you should – maybe be a little selfish for once, to combat the awful feelings of self-hate that plague your mind, but you don’t know if that particular affirmation is driven by self-esteem or self-destruction.

You can’t tell anymore. You don’t know who you are.

You’re a mystery, a chameleon, borderline, and the only thing you do know is that Bucky makes you feel again – too much. He makes you feel things you shouldn’t, makes you obsess and overthink and daydream and wonder about what life could be like with him instead of Steve.

Because that’s what you do when you fall in love. You turn into that. A monster. A beast. A siren hell-bent on the destruction of yourself.

So, you fall. You fall deep. You fall hard. You fall fast, but it’s the savouring of the moment that always brings out the worst in you. It brings back the worst part of you that you’ve buried under layers and layers of trauma and depression – the clinginess and neediness and desperation at the center of it all, and every layer covering up the euphoria makes you cry because you have to hide it for fear of losing yourself all over again. Losing that feeling. Losing what makes you you.

You’re happy, now. Right? So why do things you shouldn’t do?

But you just can’t help yourself.

You shouldn’t have accepted that first cigarette.

You shouldn’t have texted him asking for another.

You shouldn’t have talked to him about personal things meant for your husband.

You shouldn’t have talked to him about the most personal of things: your husband. Your relationship. Your insecurities because of your illness.

You shouldn’t have – because Bucky knows. He understands. He’s been there.

He knows the struggle, the pain, the emptiness. He understands. He can relate, because he knows. He’s been there. He’s done that. And some days, he still struggles – even told you, once, how low he’s been.

He might have a different slew of acronyms to define his own mental state, but they all spell out the same thing: FUBAR. And so do yours.

But Steve? Your sweet, loving husband of a year and a half? The man of your dreams, the one you’d married in the gown of your dreams, in the venue of your dreams? He’s resilient. And let’s not forget your wedding, with Bucky standing right there as his best man – the same Bucky who accidentally caught the bouquet you threw in his direction, because your aim was purposefully off to make him feel like he belonged for once.

Even before you got to know him, you always had a soft spot for him.

And now? You’re fucked. Completely and utterly smitten.

No, Steve doesn’t understand. He absolutely, fundamentally cannot, through and through. Not for a lack of trying, though, or that’s what you keep trying to convince yourself. He supports you physically: makes dinner when you’re ‘tired’, runs errands when you’re ‘busy’, gives you love and affection just like he always has. You’re his wife; it’s his obligation. He has to.

That’s how you feel, anyway.

He treats you that way out of duty, not love, because Steve always has to put the greater good before himself. He puts your happiness before his own, you think. And he tries so hard – he does. And whenever he tells you he’s happy, you just can’t believe him because you think so poorly of yourself.

Why would anyone willingly want to be around you?

And emotionally? He tries so hard with that, too, but he just doesn’t know. He doesn’t get it. He never says the right things, only well-meaning insensitive ones because he hasn’t been there, he hasn’t done that, and he thinks it’s all in your head – that you’re just not trying hard enough, that you just don’t want to get better badly enough, because if you did then you’d be up and at ‘em already. Then you’d be healed. Then you’d be out of this funk and back in the field with him.

You’re not.

You won’t be for a long time.

You’re not the same girl he fell in love with. Not that he’s ever said that directly to you, but sometimes you think it’s how he feels. He signed up for a wife, not a child. He signed up for the you from a few years ago, now, not the shell of a person you’ve become because of your illness.

Ironic, considering what he was like as a kid, Bucky likes to remind you when you start to hate on yourself because of how you’ve changed – because you’re not normal anymore. He used to be so sick all the time. Then the serum made him right as rain. Don’t take it to heart.

Steve got better because of a miracle. Hard work and determination can only get a person so far, but it was pure luck that got him to the serum. You know that. Bucky knows that. Steve probably knows that deep down, too, but he doesn’t see it that way. All he sees is his hard work.

He lies to himself. He always has.

He probably lies to himself about his love for you, too.

So it’s hard to believe he’s happy. How can he be? You don’t bring anything to your relationship but self-pity and unhappiness. And how can you not take it to heart that Steve doesn’t understand? Your husband, the one who should be supporting you and validating you and making you feel like you’re seen, thinks you’re always throwing a pity party for yourself, thinks you’re just too lazy to get up and actually do the things you want to do, thinks you’re just not trying hard enough.

Come on, doll, he says. Let’s go for a walk.

To you it just sounds like, Walk it off.

Because he’s said that before, too. A hundred times. In the field, and out.

You’re not an agent anymore. You can’t handle it anymore. You can��t handle anything anymore.

Deep down, you’re convinced that Steve thinks because it’s not physical – that because there are no scrapes or bruises or broken bones to prove that you’re in pain – that your depression isn’t real. Not really. It’s an illness, same as any other, and he just doesn’t understand it because he can’t see any physical evidence of it.

Never mind the weight you’ve lost.

Never mind the bags under your eyes.

Never mind the crying spells, the dissociation – but then, you hide those from him the best you can these days. You don’t want him to see how bad you are anymore, because he just doesn’t get it. Because it hurts so much every time for him to look at you with those soft, confused baby blues and act like it’s not a big deal, like a little bit of sunshine’s a cure-all for your woes.

Ironic is right. The boy’s been to war and he hasn’t even processed his own trauma. Hasn’t even been to a shrink despite having two best friends poking and prodding for him to go. He’s in denial.

He refuses to believe that you just couldn’t get to the laundry today because you’re too exhausted from lying in bed all day. He refuses to believe that you couldn’t eat a bite because you didn’t even think to, too busy caught up in your own pain to remember, let alone care. He refuses to believe that you don’t even feel like you deserve to do anything good for yourself, so why even get up? Why bother? Why try to do anything anymore?

Just let the darkness take you away. Bit by bit. Piece by piece. And then, maybe one day you won’t have to feel anything anymore. Maybe you’ll just disappear.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

He refuses to get it, and some part of you feels like it’s because he doesn’t want to. Because he’s afraid to acknowledge that it’s true. That if he starts therapy like you did, then this could just as easily happen to him, too.

But hey, that’s his problem, not yours. You’re still learning to prioritize yourself – to break away from co-dependency and focus on your own needs for once. You’re barely keeping your head above water; why should you have to work on him, too, when he doesn’t offer you the same consideration? You’ve done what you can, and he just turns a blind eye because he doesn’t want to understand your issues. Or his.

So, you’ve given up.

You plaster on a happy face when he’s home – a painful, never-ending reminder that you’re not okay, and you keep your troubles to yourself. You’ve stopped sharing your struggles with the man you married because he doesn’t understand, and it hurts. You try so hard to act like nothing’s wrong that sometimes you dissociate, and you don’t come back to yourself until you have a cigarette hanging between your lips, lit by a Zippo engraved with a clever, If you want to make love, smile when you hand this lighter back.

Seeing the joke on Bucky’s lighter always brings you back, because it’s ridiculous. It’s a throwback to his army days; Steve found it awhile back with Bucky’s old personal effects. Makes you wonder what he must have been like back then.

Cigarette smoke and leather and sandalwood in the dead of night – and you always make a point to smile when you hand it back to him.

Temptation incarnate, now. What a dream he would have been back then.

Sometimes you text him when you and Steve have had another fight.

Sometimes he texts you when he needs you to ground him.

Sometimes the two of you just text each other for the hell of it. It’s usually related to someone’s mental health, usually yours, but occasionally not; after all, over the last few months he’s become your partner in misery and crime. The two of you have shared things to each other that you’ve never told another person, not even Steve; and in some ways, you feel like you’ve bared your soul to him.

It’s intimate.

In other ways, you’ve kept your guard up because you know you’re playing with fire.

It’s wrong.

You know you should really tell Steve about your midnight conversations – that you probably know his best friend almost as well as he does, now, but Bucky’s become a guilty sort of pleasure that you keep near and dear to your heart. He makes you feel things that you haven’t felt in a long time, but you’re not ready to acknowledge what that means. Not yet.

And neither is Bucky, evidently, because Steve’s still none the wiser.

Eight months of this and you still want more.

Your husband trusts you. He never asks who you’re texting or what you’re up to. You’ve given him no reason to believe otherwise. He feels safe and secure in your relationship, but maybe he’s turning a blind eye to that, too.

He shouldn’t.

You wish he didn’t.

Some small part of you wants him to catch you, and that’s what you resent the most. You’re self-destructive – ready to destroy the one good, stable thing in your life in favour of an impossibility, but you can’t deny that Bucky gives your brain the dopamine it needs, it craves, it lacks.

He’s been gone on a mission the last week and a half, but you saw the Quinjet fly in the hangar earlier in the evening, around six, and you’ve been keen to text him since. You’ve held back for a little while, not wanting to appear to eager to message him – so you’re certainly not too proud of how quickly your resolve cracks.

You, 10:33pm Please don’t tell me you came home with Lucky Strikes again.

Bucky, 10:41pm Sorry, princess. Didn’t realize I was seeing royalty tonight.

And then he sends through a photo of a slightly crumpled pack of Lucky Strikes in his hand – an invitation to come to the rooftop. Judging by the setting, he’s already there.

Despite his choice in a particularly harsh smoke, you’re more focused on the pet name that has your face burning hot. It’s something he’s started to tack on recently – ‘princess’ being most common, particularly when he’s teasing you about being spoiled in some way, but when he slips it in during a real conversation is what really makes your heart pound.

You know you should tell him to stop. You know you should, but, you don’t.

You like how it feels to feel for once.

You’re married. It’s wrong. You need to stop, but you just can’t help yourself. You’re lonely.

Steve’s still away on a mission, which doesn’t bother you nearly as much as it used to – you hope he returns safely, of course you do, but you don’t really miss him. Not like you should. That’s happened more often than not as of late, and you can feel your attention shifting the longer you keep up this dangerous game with his best friend.

If it even is a game, that is. It’s probably not. How could he possibly be attracted to you? You’re depressed. You’re boring. And, to top it all off, you’re his best friend’s wife.

Of course you’re the only participant. Bucky’s just humouring you. That’s all.

And now, as you swipe on some deodorant and attempt to make something out of the rat’s nest that is your hair, you feel a particularly awful level of disdain for yourself. The self-loathing pairs nicely with your poor appearance; you haven’t slept well in days, and you’ve barely eaten in just as long.

It’s only when Steve is here keeping you on a regular schedule that you do. Otherwise it’s a free for all anymore.

Bucky never seems to mind – just encourages you to go do what needs to be done when the conversation’s over. And somehow, you listen.

Sometimes he texts to ask if you’re doing okay while he’s away on a mission, too – and you always lie, because he can’t prove otherwise. He sends you a couple reminders anyway, because he just knows. He understands that you’d rather not burden him with the truth.

And then, when he comes back, he calls you out on your lie. He calls you out and reminds you how valuable you are – to Steve, mostly, and to the team. You’re irreplaceable. You’re needed.

He never says how important you are to him, but you always wish he would.

It’s stupid. It’s wrong.

You’re married.

Tonight will be no different. Despite your negative beliefs about yourself, he’ll tell you otherwise, but you won’t believe him. You never do, even though you desperately want to.

You’re a mess, so a beanie it is. You pull it over your tangled hair and somehow get your bangs looking presentable, at least; then you give your clothes the sniff test, spritz a little body spray just in case, and head out the door. You had a shower yesterday because even you couldn’t stand it anymore.

That’ll do.

Fingers tap anxiously at your feed in the quiet elevator. There’s some mild jazz playing, just like usual, but your heart pounds inside your chest – only brings more attention to your nerves.

Bucky hasn’t been gone long, but you’ve missed him.

It’s stupid. It’s wrong.

You’re married.

After exiting the elevator, a short flight of stairs takes you to the roof. Once you start to push, the fire exit door blows open of its own accord; it’s windy up here due to the change of seasons, not that you’ve even noticed it considering you haven’t been outside in over a week. The fresh air shoots straight through your hoodie and sweatpants, and you briskly rub your arms to warm up, immediately wishing you’d checked the temperature before you came outside, maybe grabbed a jacket. You hadn’t even thought of it. Your mind’s a mess.

Hadn’t thought of dinner, either. Or lunch.

That’s when a heavy leather jacket is deposited ungracefully on your shoulders, and you glance up behind you to find Bucky standing there, giving you the look. It’s the one that pre-empts the lecture. “That help?”

You nod, basking in the smell of him – sandalwood and spice. Ah. “Yeah. Thanks.”

He knows.

He can tell with just one look that you’ve been lying to him – that you haven’t been taking care of yourself like you said you were. But he doesn’t reprimand you this time, or offer you platitudes; the disapproving look is enough.

Slippers on your feet, you pad over to the two lawn chairs he set up awhile back near the edge of the eastern wing; it’s got a nice view of the landing pad, but beyond that is the lake, and the two of you have come up here long enough to catch the sunrise once or twice. It’s nice.

“Good mission?” you ask, shoving your hands into your pockets as you collapse into your chair. It’s made of a terrible green fabric, seated low enough to the ground to let you curl your knees to your chest and cry when you want to. And you do. A lot.

This time, however, you’ve got your legs extended far ahead of you. You don’t want to talk about yourself tonight. You want to focus on him.

A distraction. That’s all. That’s what you try to tell yourself.

The other chair, woven blue and white, is where Bucky comes to rest just like always. You suspect that it was the cheapest one in the store, because it creaks and groans and you always think it’s going to break when he sits in it, but it never does. It’s also taller than yours, so you call him old man every now and then for it because that’s just hilarious.

It’s not flirting. It’s not.

Not even when you’ve nearly fallen into his lap on more than one occasion thanks to drinking beforehand.

“Well,” he starts hesitantly, pausing to consider his answer, “I made it back.”

His tone is soft – distant. Not a good mission, then.

“I’m glad you made it back,” you offer, giving him what you hope is a hopeful smile. It feels fake, but the intention behind it is real.

He studies your face for a moment or two, before he averts his eyes. “You’re probably the only one. I had to do some things on the mission that I—” He cuts himself off, then, and pulls the pack of Lucky Strikes out of his pocket to fiddle with. A crutch. “I don’t like to use my strength when I don’t have to. Makes people nervous.”

He’s told you about it before. By ‘people’ he means ‘agents’. Other agents. The ones he was working with, no doubt. As if his arm isn’t reminder enough, sometimes if he doesn’t hold back – well, they start to treat him a little differently after that. It’s a reminder that he’s not fully human.

You can empathize. “It’s a little shocking at first,” you remind him gently, “but you do get used to it. I did. It just takes some time.”

Of course, you also married a super soldier, so there’s that. You can’t really gauge what’s ‘normal’ anymore.

That’s when he cracks open the pack of cigarettes – half full, which means he must have been smoking on the mission, too, something he doesn’t usually do – and when he meets your eyes, the dark, anxious look there turns your stomach to knots.

“Are you?” he asks, voice low and laced with an emotion you just can’t place – or maybe you’re too afraid to acknowledge that you can, and very easily feel the same way. “I could break you in thirty ways before you could even tell me to stop.”

Your brain halts like a record scratch when the clear implication of his words sends a jolt straight to your core. Not just because it’s true, the threat, but because of the dangerous way he’s staring at you, coupled with the casual authority in his voice.

He could hurt you so easily, but you know he wouldn’t. Not you.

He could do other things, too – something a lot less violent and a lot more pleasurable – but you don’t let yourself consider that. You can’t. Even if it’s what he’s implying.

Is it what he’s implying?

You’re married. He knows that.

There’s a long pause while you try to gather your thoughts, until you finally manage as evenly as you can, “Are you trying to scare me?”

Your voice is still a little hoarse despite how much you willed it not to be. He did scare you a little – not that you’d ever admit it, because he excited you a hell of a lot more, and you hate that, too. But you love it even more.

Your question makes his shoulders slump, just slightly, just enough to let you know that that’s exactly what it was – that Bucky was lashing out, in his own way. That he’s the one who’s scared. That he’s trying to push you away.

Why?

“I’m not afraid of you, Bucky,” you reassure him, because you aren’t. You could never be. Not like that. What you’re afraid of is so much worse than that – because it involves him and you, and you can’t make yourself stop wanting more of this. More of him. More of what he threatened to do to you – the underlying meaning you hope to god you’re not imagining, but you should never, ever want.

It’s wrong.

“You should be,” he responds, quiet, rolling the cigarette he’s half pulled out of the pack in between his fingers like he’s debating whether to light it, but he’s trying his hardest not to this time. “You shouldn’t be up here with me.”

The ball drops.

The truth that the two of you have been dancing around for months finally comes out, and you laugh – you laugh, because otherwise you’ll cry. “What are you talking about?”

“Darlin’, you’re—” he starts, and then lets out a frustrated sigh and shoves the cigarette right back in, shoves the pack shut too for good measure. Blue eyes burn into yours. “You know why.”

“We’re friends, Bucky,” you emphasize, lightly, but deep within your chest you can feel the anger, the anxiety start to burn and meld together into something entirely unrecognizable. It’s the tiniest ember now, but it won’t be if this keeps up. You know you’re married. You know that. You don’t need the reminder. “We’re just talking. What’s the problem?”

“Come on, sweetheart.” He’s calm, too calm, and it bothers you. “Don’t play dumb. You’re too smart for that.”

It’s just pretend. It’s not real. You’re happily married with Steve. You’re happy.

Right?

“That’s all it is,” you argue. “I’m married. You said so yourself. Steve and I are happily married.”

Saying it out loud is just another cold, brutal reminder that you aren’t. Just like the façade you’re forced to wear.

“Yeah? You’re happy?” Bucky asks, pulling himself to his feet – and you suddenly realize how tall he is when he’s towering over you like this. You’re not scared, no, you love it. And that makes it worse, the way he makes your heart race like this. “Then there’s gotta be a reason why you haven’t told him about our little talks.”

Because they’re more than that. That’s the reason.

“Well, why haven’t you?” you shoot back, finally getting to your feet, too, feeling your face flush with anger. “You haven’t told him either. Why’s that, huh?”

Tense silence falls over the two of you as you glare at each other, the only light illuminating your features coming from the full moon. It’s a beautiful night, clear and chilly and bright, and you originally had hopes of maybe stargazing with him like you’ve done so many times before.

Not tonight.

He’s pushing you away. He wants to push you away. You know he is, it’s obvious – he tried one approach, and when that didn’t work, he went for the thing he knew would invoke a reaction. The thing that would hurt the most.

Steve. Your marriage. Your happiness, or lack thereof.

No matter how many times you try to tell that to the rational side of your brain, you just can’t handle it. It’s another rejection from someone you cared about – someone you felt yourself growing a potentially unhealthy attachment to – and he just had to hurt you like all the rest. He wanted to hurt you. He wanted to see you suffer.

You can’t stand him.

So you shrug off his jacket and shove it at him. “Take your fucking jacket,” you bite out. “You want me gone? Well, I’m going. Hope you’re happy.”

The way he takes it from you catches you off guard, blue eyes wide with hurt and surprise – but you don’t give him another second of your time. Instead you spin around on your heel and stomp your way back to the access door.

You’re not well enough for this. You’re depressed. You’re broken. You’re lonely.

And now, the only person who understands has thrown you away – discarded you like you’re nothing. Maybe because you are. You’re worthless.

Your fingertips just brush against the handle when you’re tugged back by the wrist, and then his arms are around you, his chest pressing into your back.

He’s warm.

It’s wrong.

But it feels right, and you hate how easily you melt into his touch, into the feeling of his lips at your ear.

“I don’t want you to go,” he whispers, and you’re done for.

The heat from your anger warps into something else – something that burns you up in a different way, and you swallow thickly at the feeling of his arms so snug around your waist. “What do you want, then?”

It’s barely audible, your question -- but he hears it just fine. Soft lips drag from your ear to your pulse, and you shiver, lulling your head back onto his shoulder.

“You tell me,” Bucky breathes against your skin. “I need to know what you want.”

The two of you are playing a dangerous game, and the stakes are only getting higher. You both have a lot to lose, but you’re the one taking the higher risk. Not him.

“I want—” His teeth gently nip at your neck and you can’t help yourself. “I want you—”

And then your back is pressed into the closed door, cold metal biting through your sweats but you don’t even notice, too focused on the feeling of his lips on yours. They’re soft and ever-so-slightly chapped, and his stubble scratches just a little, pleasantly, just enough to hurt in the best way.

It’s hot, too hot, god, you can’t handle the heat of his body against yours—

“Bucky,” you gasp against his lips, sliding your arms around his neck, fingers carding through his hair to pull him closer. You can taste with the barest bite of mint from his gum, along with the slightest hint of cigarette smoke, and you realize—

He must have been up here for awhile.

Overthinking. Wondering what to do. Lost in thoughts of you, perhaps.

The idea of it sends a rush of delirium through you, and you open your mouth just enough to let his tongue explore – or dominate, which you soon find you like very much when Bucky does it to you. His flesh hand cups the side of your face as he kisses the breath out of you, and his vibranium one snugly presses into your lower back – purposely, you soon find, because suddenly your knees go weak and your arms tighten around his neck to catch yourself from falling.

A breathy laugh escapes you. “Oh, wow. That’s never happened before.”

“First time for everything,” he teases, kissing your forehead as he steadies you back on both feet – and it’s then that the realness of the situation seems to sink in.

You’ve just cheated on your husband.

He’s just kissed his best friend’s wife.

There’s a prolonged silence as the two of you look at each other, watching, wondering, waiting, and then—

“We have to tell him,” you say, a little uneasily. “Just… not yet. Figure this out first.”

You can feel the desperation to see where this leads, no matter what a bad idea it is.

Bucky swallows. It’s clear that the prospect of lying to Steve bothers Bucky just as much as it bothers you, but you know he feels that same desperation when he suggests, “And if it turns out to be nothing, then…”

“Yeah. No harm, no foul.”

You won’t tell him. Because if it’s nothing, then it’s not worth worrying about.

Even if it’s wrong.

Right?

two

and a moodboard I made because why not

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes

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bloody-bee-tea · 4 years ago

Text

Resolve

We did it folks, this is follows right after Escalation and marks the end of the Rumor has it series! I hope it can live up to all of your expectations! If you want to listen to a song that could very well be Jiang Cheng’s character song for this story, please listen here. This fic is 10k long, so I suggest you read it on AO3 here. Thank you all so much <3<3

Jiang Cheng is reasonably sure he lost consciousness a few times on the flight back to the Cloud Recesses, but despite Lan Wangji’s clear wish he didn’t give him the satisfaction of dropping off the sword. Jiang Cheng would rather die standing up than fulfilling that particular wish.

Jiang Cheng is also sure that Lan Wangji planned to land at the end of the staircase that leads up to the Cloud Recesses and make Jiang Cheng walk all the way up there—something that Jiang Cheng wouldn’t have been able to do—but one look back at him must convince Lan Wangji that Jiang Cheng is really in no condition to do that.

His urge to see him prosecuted and sentenced to death while Jiang Cheng is still aware must be really strong.

Jiang Cheng is almost pathetically grateful that they are flying straight up to the Cloud Recesses, because even though he would never admit it—at least not out loud and definitely not to Lan Wangji—it lets him keep at least a little bit of dignity.

Like this, at least, he only drops to his knees once he steps off the sword. Jiang Cheng grits his teeth when he sees the satisfied look on Lan Wangji’s face, but his legs won’t carry him and despite the dagger still lodged in his shoulder, he lost a significant amount of blood by now.

Standing just doesn’t seem like a good idea at the moment.

“Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian says, worry colouring his tone, but when he wants to step forward, Lan Wangji keeps him away with a hand to his arm.

Jiang Cheng wonders what Lan Wangji thinks he will do to his brother, but given that Lan Wangji seems intent on getting him killed today, he can guess at the picture Lan Wangji has of him.

“And what now?” Jiang Cheng snarls when Lan Wangji simply stares down at him, but he can’t keep the pain completely out of his voice.

The dagger in his shoulder really hurts like a bitch.

“And now we will decide what to do with you,” Lan Wangji calmly says and Jiang Cheng can’t help the snort that escapes him.

Yeah, right. As if Lan Wangji hasn’t made his mind up already.

“How can you still be amused by this?” Wei Wuxian wants to know and Jiang Cheng wonders just when his brother stopped being able to read him.

“Come on, Wei Wuxian, you’re usually smarter than that. There’s nothing to ‘decide on’,” Jiang Cheng tells him and he feels a sick sense of validation when Sect Leader Yao steps into the courtyard behind him.

“That’s right,” he sneers and Jiang Cheng has to grid his teeth so that he doesn’t straight up jump at the other Sect Leader. “With what we saw you do today, there is not much wriggle room for you.”

“And doesn’t that make you happy,” Jiang Cheng says, but he doesn’t even deign to look at the other man.

He is very, very sick of Sect Leader Yao right now.

“I can’t deny that it’s kind of satisfying to see you like this,” Sect Leader Yao freely admits and Jiang Cheng works his jaw at that. “It will certainly bring justice to my late right hand,” he then adds, and now that Jiang Cheng can’t let stand.

“If it brings so much justice to him, why don’t you tell me his name? Why don’t you tell me why it took you ten goddamn years to want to bring justice to him?” he demands to know but before Sect Leader Yao can flounder for an answer, Lan Wangji speaks up.

“Enough. Everyone will be able to bring their grievances with Sect Leader Jiang to me today,” he says and Jiang Cheng resigns himself to a long and arduous farce.

“What is the meaning of this?” Lan Qiren suddenly asks, having stepped into the courtyard without their notice and Lan Wangji turns towards him, bowing slightly.

“Sect Leader Jiang has been caught in the act of killing two innocent people. He will be held accountable for that, today.”

“And everything else, it seems,” Jiang Cheng drily adds when Lan Qiren turns towards him. “Everyone is here, after all,” he tacks on with a nod backwards to where Sect Leader Yao stands.

A lot of the other smaller Sect Leaders have gathered there as well and it’s only then that it really hits Jiang Cheng just how well planned this was for them all to be already here. Jiang Cheng knows that he should feel betrayed that Lan Wangji and especially Wei Wuxian plotted against him like that, but all he can feel is anger for Xie Xifeng and her wife.

If Lan Wangji had time to plan this, then he probably had the time to save her. Instead Jiang Cheng is left with two dead bodies on his conscience.

“Wangji, what are you doing?” Lan Qiren wants to know, but Lan Wangji meets his gaze evenly.

“What is right,” he gives back, sounding so goddamn certain that Jiang Cheng would love to tell him the truth just to see him shaken to the core, but he keeps his mouth shut.

He did not save all of his people from abusive and horrible situations to just throw them back into it.

Jiang Cheng would never do that to them.

Lan Qiren stares at Lan Wangji for a moment longer, before he simply turns around and stalks away. Jiang Cheng gets the distinct impression that he wants to run—which he never thought possible—but Lan Qiren adapted a pretty quick stride.

Jiang Cheng distantly wonders if he’s going to get Lan Xichen, and if Lan Xichen would end his seclusion for this, but despite Lan Xichen’s earlier words, Jiang Cheng doesn’t count on it.

It’s easy to take a stand against his own brother when it’s in an abstract situation. It’s much more difficult to do when the case actually arises, Jiang Cheng knows that from experience.

Jiang Cheng turns away from the retreating back of Lan Qiren and his eyes fall on Wei Wuxian. He seems pained by the proceedings but it just leaves a hollow feeling in Jiang Cheng when Wei Wuxian still doesn’t speak out.

He clearly believes every last word everyone says about Jiang Cheng and Jiang Cheng didn’t know it was possible to feel that betrayed.

Jiang Cheng wonders if this is how Wei Wuxian felt before he died and if this is the punishment Jiang Cheng deserves for not helping his brother back then.

It does seem kind of just, if Jiang Cheng looks at it like that. It doesn’t make it any easier to bear, though.

“Sect Leader Yao, if you would,” Lan Wangji suddenly says and Sect Leader Yao steps up, chest puffed up like a peacock and Jiang Cheng has to fight the sudden urge to throw the dagger from his shoulder at him.

“Jiang Wanyin killed my right hand man,” he declares and then proceeds to list off a few other names.

Names, Jiang Cheng very well recognizes, because all of these people are living a happy and safe life in his own Sect now. Jiang Cheng never quite realized that so many of Sect Leader Yao’s people hated their life enough to turn to demonic cultivation but when Jiang Cheng looks at the smarmy smile on his face, he finds that it does make sense.

Once Sect Leader Yao is done, Sect Leader Ouyang steps forward. It goes on like this, for longer than Jiang Cheng cares to take note of, and he can’t deny the warmth ball of pride in his own stomach when he hears just how many people he truly saved. It’s easy to forget sometimes, when they are all wearing purple.

There are a few names he doesn’t recognize—and two he failed to save that he remembers very well—but overall, Jiang Cheng can put a face to every name.

He can’t help but to smile at it, knowing that he did right by all of these people, and of course that is when Wei Wuxian chimes in again.

Jiang Cheng should have known.

“Are you proud of what you have done?” Wei Wuxian demands to know and he sounds incredulous, but Jiang Cheng simply smiles at him, too.

“Yes, I am,” Jiang Cheng easily gives back, because all these names just mentioned are the legacy he built over countless years.

He is more than alright to die for all of them.

“He will show no remorse,” Lan Wangji says to Wei Wuxian, who has to turn away from Jiang Cheng at that.

“Because there is nothing to regret,” Jiang Cheng adds, damn well knowing how it must sound to them, and then he settles back on his heels.

His shoulder is still throbbing, he’s still steadily losing blood, but he knows that it won’t be much longer now. Lan Wangji will sentence him and then it will be over rather quickly, at least Jiang Cheng hopes for that.

Jiang Cheng is okay with that, because even keeping himself upright is getting harder by the minute now.

“We have heard all the accusations,” Lan Wangji says, and suddenly his voice carries. “And there is one disciple of the Lan Sect to be added to the list. Lan Zhi,” Lan Wangji says and hate curls in Jiang Cheng’s gut.

How dare Lan Wangji.

“Oh, now you remember him?” he seethes because what he really wants to do is lunge for Lan Wangji.

How dare he speak that name.

“He was a patient, kind young man and Jiang Wanyin killed him when he strayed from the right path.”

Jiang Cheng has another scathing remark on his tongue when suddenly Lan Xichen steps into the courtyard.

“Do not speak of Lan Zhi, and especially not to Jiang Cheng,” Lan Xichen says and walks over to Jiang Cheng, taking a stand besides him.

Lan Qiren is not far off and despite everything, Jiang Cheng has to close his eyes in relief.

He truly underestimated how it would feel like to have someone on his side.

“Brother,” Lan Wangji whispers, bowing his head in what Jiang Cheng thinks is not at all appropriate, but Lan Xichen silences him.

“Do you even really remember Lan Zhi? Do you still remember how unhappy he was? How burdened he became here? Do you remember that it was your oversight who even enabled him to turn towards darker paths?” Lan Xichen wants to know and Lan Wangji looks with big eyes at him.

“Brother, what are you doing? You’re in seclusion.”

“I am not. Not anymore,” Lan Xichen replies, Lan Qiren’s approving nod underlining his words.

“You would break your seclusion for him?” Lan Wangji asks, and Jiang Cheng would laugh at how incredulous he sounds if he weren’t so sure that his shoulder would not thank him for it.

“Zewu-Jun,” Wei Wuxian says, and Lan Xichen silences him with a single look.

“You are attending in the capacity as the Chief Cultivator’s husband. You do not have a voice here,” Lan Xichen frostily tells Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng raises an eyebrow in surprise.

He has never really heard Lan Xichen being angry—hadn’t really thought that he was capable of that, if he’s being honest—but it’s a welcome surprise right now.

Once he’s sure that Wei Wuxian knows his place, Lan Xichen turns his attention back to Lan Wangji, who seems like he considers strangling his own brother, but doesn’t dare to make a move.

“Wangji, how can you forsake justice like this? Are you really so blinded by your hate for Jiang Wanyin? So much that you would see an innocent man accused and sentenced?”

“Innocent,” Lan Wangji repeats, his voice as disgusted as Jiang Cheng has ever heard it, and looks Jiang Cheng up and down once. “Did you even look at him? He’s bathed in the blood of the true innocents he killed.”

“Half of that blood is actually mine,” Jiang Cheng speaks up, because his shoulder is still sluggishly bleeding.

It seems like Lan Xichen only notices the dagger in his shoulder now, because he falls to his knees besides Jiang Cheng, hands hovering helplessly over the dagger.

“Wangji, why did you not immediately call a healer?” Lan Xichen wants to know, but Jiang Cheng scoffs at that.

“Please. As if he’d waste any resources on a dead man.”

Lan Xichen freezes at his words, and Jiang Cheng realizes that Lan Xichen never truly contemplated what Jiang Cheng’s sentence would be.

“Wangji,” Lan Xichen says without looking away from Jiang Cheng, but his voice is noticeably colder. “What sentence are you aiming for?”

Jiang Cheng forces a smile on his face, even though he damn well knows what Lan Wangji’s answer will be, but Lan Xichen doesn’t seem to take it that well.

His hands are shaking.

“He killed countless innocents. The only sentence can be death,” Lan Wangji calmly replies, and Jiang Cheng takes a little bit of pleasure in the nervous shuffling from Wei Wuxian.

He doesn’t seem all too happy with that decision, and Jiang Cheng very vindictively finds himself hoping that it will haunt him for a long time.

Lan Xichen lets out a long, measured breath, and Jiang Cheng has to admit that he admires the resolve in Lan Xichen.

“No,” Lan Xichen says and turns back around to face Lan Wangji.

“That will not be his sentence.”

“When he is found guilty, it will be,” Lan Wangji replies, outwardly calm, but Jiang Cheng sees the almost nervous twitch of his hand.

“If, Chief Cultivator, not when,” Lan Xichen coldly reminds Lan Wangji and then turns towards Lan Qiren. “Please get a healer,” he says to his uncle, who immediately leaves.

Jiang Cheng almost wants to tell him to stop—he still doesn’t see himself getting out of this, since he is as unwilling as ever to tell Lan Wangji the truth—but he doesn’t stop him.

It really does hurt like a bitch and it would probably help with his light-headedness if the bleeding was stopped.

There is an almost uncomfortable silence in the wake of Lan Qiren’s departure, and to Jiang Cheng’s surprise it’s Lan Wangji who breaks it first.

“Why are you doing this?” he asks Lan Xichen, who shakes his head at Lan Wangji.

“I could ask you the same, Wangji,” he gives back. “You don’t even have proof and yet you already condemned a man to death.”

“Proof is there,” Lan Wangji replies and nods towards Jiang Cheng. “The dagger. The blood. The bodies.”

Jiang Cheng grits his teeth, because it would probably not do him any favours if he yelled at Lan Wangji, but he must notice the tension in his jaw, because Lan Wangji narrows his eyes at him, almost daring Jiang Cheng to forget about his manners.

Jiang Cheng will not give him that satisfaction on top of everything else.

“Is that really enough to condemn someone?” Lan Xichen asks. “You don’t know what happened. The circumstances could be different.”

“With all due respect, Zewu-Jun,” Sect Leader Yao pipes up and Jiang Cheng almost admires him for how daring he is, “but the circumstances don’t leave much to interpretation. He was the only one with them. They are dead now and he is drenched in their blood.”

“Of course that must mean I killed them,” Jiang Cheng agrees, voice saccharine sweet. “Especially since my words don’t count for much, right?”

“So if you found me in the clearing, your rabbits dead around me, their blood on me, you would assume I did it?” Lan Xichen demands to know of Lan Wangji, who immediately shakes his head.

“Of course not. Brother is different,” he explains and Jiang Cheng nods slightly.

He always knew it had nothing to do with proof or circumstances but everything to do with who he is as a person, and yet it still stings.

Especially since Wei Wuxian continues to stay quiet.

“Then at least admit that you’re not doing this for justice but out of a deep dislike for Jiang Wanyin,” Lan Xichen snaps and Lan Wangji seems as taken aback by that outburst as Jiang Cheng feels. “This has nothing to do with righteousness, Wangji, and I demand you stop this.”

“It’s not only my decision,” Lan Wangji replies, pointing at the other gathered Sect Leaders. “They all have grievances with Jiang Wanyin, and they should be heard.”

“Heard and appropriately dealt with,” Lan Xichen urges, but Jiang Cheng can tell that he’s losing faith that he will be able to convince his brother to stop this. “But not this.”

“Exactly this,” Lan Wangji decides with a nod and Lan Xichen turns desperate eyes on Jiang Cheng.

He can’t offer him more than a one shouldered shrug, because he will not throw his people in front of these undeserving people, and so his only option is to stay silent. His only option is to die.

“Wanyin,” Lan Xichen whispers, clearly begging him to speak up, to set this right, but Jiang Cheng can be stubborn on the best of days.

And this is so far from a good day.

“No,” Jiang Cheng decides and it seems like Lan Xichen wants to argue his decision, when Lan Qiren comes back, a man with a bag behind him.

“Lan Yimu will have a look at that shoulder now,” Lan Qiren decides, and he levels Lan Wangji with a look so severe even Wei Wuxian doesn’t dare to pipe up or even move.

Lan Qiren really hasn’t lost his touch since their student days, Jiang Cheng thinks and then grits his teeth against the pain, when light fingers probe around his injury.

“Can you still feel your fingers?” Lan Yimu asks him and Jiang Cheng wriggles them in reply. “That’s good,” the healer decides.

Jiang Cheng knows what’s coming next and he braces himself before Lan Yimu even speaks again.

“I’m going to take the dagger out now,” he warns Jiang Cheng, barely a second before he removes the blade from his shoulder.

Jiang Cheng bites down on a pained noise, keeps it trapped in his throat because he will not show weakness here. He has more pride than that.

He startles slightly when a hand is put to his uninjured shoulder, pouring spiritual energy into him, and Jiang Cheng is even more surprised when he looks up and sees that it’s Lan Qiren who is the one passing his energy to him.

“You have to speak up,” Lan Qiren urges him, effectively distracting Jiang Cheng from the pain in his shoulder, even though it gets better when Lan Yimu puts a numbing paste on the wound.

“No,” Jiang Cheng replies, and Lan Qiren seems to sense that his decision is final, because he doesn’t try again, even though he seems unhappy with his decision.

“It wouldn’t matter what I say anyway,” Jiang Cheng tacks on, trying to soften his words. “Xiuying won’t let them into Lotus Pier and they won’t believe without proof. Might not even believe it with proof.”

Lan Qiren clicks his tongue in apparent displeasure but he doesn’t argue Jiang Cheng’s words.

“You shouldn’t move your arm too much for the next couple of weeks,” Lan Yimu advises him, just as he’s tying off the bandage and Jiang Cheng scoffs.

“That won’t be a problem,” Jiang Cheng bitterly says, because he doubts he’ll even make it until tomorrow.

Really, for all that Jiang Cheng enjoys the receding levels of pain, it’s a waste of a perfectly good healing cream.

Lan Yimu shares a look with Lan Qiren, before he bows his head low to Jiang Cheng again.

“He was my cousin. Thank you for saving him,” Lan Yimu then whispers and Jiang Cheng can do nothing but stare at him.

Jiang Xiuying never spoke of the family he might have left behind, and Jiang Cheng never dared to ask, but of course there must still be people left who remember Jiang Xiuying from before, other than Lan Qiren and Lan Xichen.

“He is living well,” Jiang Cheng lowly gives back, even forces a small smile on his face because Jiang Xiuying is living well, and the only regret Jiang Cheng has is that he won’t see him come into his full potential.

Jiang Xiuying will make a great Sect Leader, no matter the circumstances of how he got there.

“That is enough now,” Lan Wangji interrupts them, clearly displeased that it takes so much time, and the dread settles in Jiang Cheng’s stomach again.

It was a nice reprieve, he has to admit that, but of course it couldn’t last forever.

“Wei Wuxian, how can you allow this?” Lan Xichen suddenly asks and Jiang Cheng’s head snaps up. “He is your brother. You should know him better.”

“Sixteen years are a long time, Zewu-Jun,” Wei Wuxian replies. “A lot can change in that time. People can change.”

“But not this fundamentally,” Lan Xichen keeps arguing even though Jiang Cheng knows it’s futile.

“Don’t waste your breath, Lan Xichen,” Jiang Cheng advises. “He can’t admit that the rumours might be fake,” Jiang Cheng says, not taking his eyes off Wei Wuxian, who is turning a worryingly shade of white.

“What? Why not?” Lan Xichen wants to know and Jiang Cheng huffs out a humourless laugh.

“Because if they are not true then that means I never hated him, or what he turned into. If these rumours are not true, and I never hated him, then I must have turned against him because it was the right thing to do for me at that time. And wouldn’t that be worse than me simply hating him?” Jiang Cheng wants to know, despite how much he still hates to hurt his brother like this, and the look on Wei Wuxian’s face tells him all he needs to know.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t like to broadcast it, but he does know how to read the people closest to him.

“Shut up,” Wei Wuxian chokes out, but even from the distance Jiang Cheng can see the tears in his eyes. “You hate what I did!”

“Because of the repercussions it had for us, yes,” Jiang Cheng easily replies, because he came to terms with that a long time ago. “I never hated you. Certainly not enough to kill people who followed your path.”

“And yet you’re doing that,” Lan Wangji interjects, smoothly stepping to the side to put himself between Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng.

“You can’t protect him from everything,” Jiang Cheng says, slightly raising his cuffed hands. “No matter how hard you try, there are some things no one can protect him from.”

He turns his gaze to Lan Xichen with his last words, willing him to understand that this is simply how it is supposed to go, but it seems stubbornness runs in both Lan brothers.

“No,” Lan Xichen decides and turns back to Lan Wangji. “You said he killed two innocent people. If that is true, they should hold resentment. Enough for you to summon them.”

“You want me to play Inquiry,” Lan Wangji states and Lan Xichen nods.

“Ask them what really happened. You’re not going to believe Jiang Wanyin, but maybe you will believe them.”

“They won’t come,” Jiang Cheng says with a small shake of his head.

It was a good idea, but given how they died they shouldn’t hold any resentment. Tan Chunhua might, since her death was an entirely too tragic accident, but Jiang Cheng doesn’t count on it.

“We have to try,” Lan Xichen replies, just as Lan Qiren leans down, seemingly trying to steady himself, since he’s still passing spiritual energy to Jiang Cheng, but Jiang Cheng doesn’t sense any weakness in him.

“I called onto the other Sects,” Lan Qiren whispers to him and Jiang Cheng has to suppress a white hot flash of fury at those words.

“No,” he bites out. “You leave them out of this!”

Jiang Cheng doesn’t want Jiang Xiuying to have to come back here and take a stand. He doesn’t want Jin Ling to see his last remaining family go.

They both deserve better.

“It’s done,” Lan Qiren informs him and for the first time since this all started Jiang Cheng feels the urge to fight against his cuffs.

He doesn’t want the people he loves to suffer unnecessarily, and it will be bad enough once they hear about this already, Jiang Cheng knows it. They don’t have to witness it as well.

“We’re not at their place of death,” Lan Wangji muses, effectively dragging Jiang Cheng out of his own thoughts. “Without their names I can’t call upon them.”

“Xie Xifeng and Tan Chunhua, which you would know if you had tried to help them,” Jiang Cheng informs him—rather smugly, really—and he watches with satisfaction as a sliver of doubt appears on Wei Wuxian’s face.

Jiang Cheng knows it’s wrong, but he hopes it will accompany him for the rest of his life; always at the back of his head that maybe, just maybe, things weren’t as they seemed. That maybe Jiang Cheng wasn’t the monster everyone made him turn to believe.

Lan Wangji doesn’t outwardly react as he gets his guqin out and settles behind it. He plays a few notes, before he sits and waits and when nothing happens, he plays the same sequence again.

But again, nothing happens.

“Try it again,” Lan Xichen demands but Jiang Cheng shakes his head.

“They won’t come. They didn’t die full of resentment. There won’t be anything for you to summon,” he tells Lan Wangji, but it’s Sect Leader Yao who speaks up.

“How can you be so sure? Did you destroy their spirits, too? Taking even the chance of reincarnation from them?” he demands to know and Jiang Cheng can’t even be bothered to turn his head around to him.

“Sect Leader Yao, if you know of a way to shatter a spirit on purpose in the moment of their death, please do enlighten us. You must really be a master in disguise if that is the case,” Jiang Cheng taunts over his shoulder, because Sect Leader Yao should know better than this.

But then again, it’s Sect Leader Yao. What did Jiang Cheng expect, really.

“If they won’t come, nothing can be proven. The absence of their spirits cannot be taken as a sign in favour of Jiang Wanyin,” Lan Wangji decides and Jiang Cheng almost finds it hilarious how Lan Wangji is bending himself backwards, trying to slander Jiang Cheng’s name.

“This is not justice,” Lan Qiren suddenly speaks up, his hand still a steady weight on Jiang Cheng’s shoulder. “If it can’t be taken as a sign in favour of Jiang Wanyin, then it can’t be used to condemn him further, either.”

This doesn’t seem to sit well with Lan Wangji at all, because Jiang Cheng actually sees him working his jaw, and Jiang Cheng will take his small pleasures where he can get them.

He won’t have much chances for any bigger ones, after all.

“Maybe Sect Leader Yao should tell you the name of his right hand man, so you can try to summon his spirit,” Jiang Cheng tosses out there, just to see Sect Leader Yao flounder really, and he’s not disappointed when there’s a very telling silence behind him. “He’s calling for justice for him ten years after his disappearance, he must have meant a great deal to Sect Leader Yao. Surely Sect Leader Yao remembers his name?” Jiang Cheng adds when nothing comes forth.

Lan Xichen sends him a reprimanding look, but Jiang Cheng simply shrugs. Taunting Sect Leader Yao won’t change the outcome of this anyway, but it does amuse Jiang Cheng, even in a situation as dire as this, and so he simply can’t pass this opportunity up.

Sect Leader Yao continues to be suspiciously quiet, and in the end it’s Lan Wangji who saves him some face.

“We will try Lan Zhi,” Lan Wangji decides and like every time when that name is used anger boils in Jiang Cheng’s veins.

He wants to snap at Lan Wangji, wants to tell him that he doesn’t deserve to use that name, but instead he closes his eyes and wills himself to be silent.

This round of inquiry is bound to be as successful as the one before and Jiang Xiuying is not here to be hurt by the sound of his old name.

Rationally, there is nothing Jiang Cheng should even get angry about. Still, he can’t help it.

“Why would you, Wangji?” Lan Xichen asks. “Did you truly not—,”

“Enough,” Jiang Cheng snaps, interrupting Lan Xichen before he can expose Jiang Xiuying. “Enough. Don’t drag this out any longer.”

Lan Qiren’s hand on his shoulder tightens, but Jiang Cheng is tired.

Lan Wangji has his mind made up—Jiang Cheng wonders why no one else can see it—and he doubts there is anything that will make him change his opinion of Jiang Cheng.

“He is asking for his sentence himself,” Sect Leader Yao crows in victory, as if it would mean that Jiang Cheng admitted to every single accusation. “We should give it to him.”

“Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian suddenly says, but Jiang Cheng does not want to hear from his brother at this moment.

“Yes, you should,” Jiang Cheng bites out, forcing a smirk on his face, but before anyone can so much as move a muscle Zidian sparks to life on Jiang Cheng’s finger.

“He’s attacking!” Sect Leader Yao screams, already diving for safety behind the other Sect Leaders, but Jiang Cheng is staring at his finger in confusion.

“I’m not,” he shouts, because if he really wanted to attack any of them, he would have done so earlier, and then he watches as Zidian detaches itself from his finger and moves through the air.

Jiang Cheng follows its path with his gaze and his eyes go wide when he sees Jin Ling flying over the Cloud Recesses.

“No,” Jiang Cheng breathes out as he watches how Jin Ling expertly yields Zidian, drawing it in a graceful arch over his head before he viciously brings it down on the protective barrier surrounding the Cloud Recesses.

It splinters after one hit, and Jiang Cheng is unsure if that is because Jin Ling is truly that angry or if Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren did something.

It doesn’t matter in the end, because the barrier crumbles and Jin Ling doesn’t waste any time descending into the courtyard, stepping down from Suihua right next to Jiang Cheng.

“I hope you forgive me this trespassing, Zewu-Jun, but the disciples at the front gate wouldn’t allow us to come in. A mistake, surely, but really rather bothersome, given what is happening here,” Jin Ling smoothly says but Jiang Cheng can hear the faint tremor in his voice.

“There is nothing to forgive,” Lan Xichen immediately gives back, probably smiling with how light his voice sounds, but Jiang Cheng can’t tear his eyes away from Jin Ling.

He had been resigned to never see him again, and despite the fact that he is happy to see him one last time—not to mention how proud he is of him—Jiang Cheng really wishes he would be anywhere but here.

Jiang Cheng is just about to speak when Zidian is transferred back to his finger.

“I hope you forgive me, too, jiu-jiu, I know it is still yours, but this was an emergency,” Jin Ling says to him, not taking his eyes of Lan Wangji and clearly daring him to do anything right now.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Jiang Cheng softly says, because he thought he had been very clear in his instructions.

Jin Ling was supposed to be at Lotus Pier where Jiang Xiuying would need his help. He shouldn’t be here, watching Jiang Cheng die.

“Xiuying was very adamant,” Jin Ling easily gives back and as if on cue, Jiang Xiuying marches into the courtyard.

“I hope you will forgive us for being late, Chief Cultivator,” he sweetly says and Jiang Cheng has to admire him simply for the bite he puts into those words. “We were delayed at the front gate, but luckily we made it in time to this public trial that you surely wouldn’t dare hold without the Big Sects present.”

“You are not a Sect Leader,” is the first thing Lan Wangji says to Jiang Xiuying and Jiang Cheng immediately sees red.

“Do not speak to him,” Jiang Cheng hisses, raising up on his knees, Zidian sparking on his finger in response to his anger and Jiang Cheng is going to send it out, wound on his shoulder be damned.

“How dare you,” Lan Wangji says, and he clearly only waited for this, because Bichen is drawn and pointed at him in an instant.

“Wangji,” Lan Xichen tries, tries to calm everyone down, but his brother clearly doesn’t listen to him since he advances on Jiang Cheng without hesitation and it only takes Jiang Cheng a moment to understand that Lan Wangji is going to strike him down without remorse.

When Zidian lashes out, Jiang Cheng thinks for a split second that he lost control of his own spiritual tool but then Jiang Xiuying steps in front of him, arms outstretched and sending Zidian at Lan Wangji with natural ease.

Lan Wangji deflects the hit with Bichen, but the end of Zidian curls in an astonishing display of control and manages to flick Lan Wangji on the cheek, instantly drawing blood.

Jiang Cheng knew Jiang Xiuying would be magnificent with Zidian.

“Do not dare to touch him,” Jiang Xiuying seethes at Lan Wangji, calling Zidian back to his hand, where it continues to spark, picking up on the anger in Jiang Xiuying.

Lan Wangji seems to have half a mind to turn his sword against Jiang Xiuying next, but after a lengthy staring battle Lan Wangji sheathes Bichen and gets back to his original place, a clearly distressed Wei Wuxian immediately at his side and fussing over him.

Jiang Xiuying watches his retreat with hawk eyes, clearly not daring to take his gaze off him until he is a good distance away and then he turns his look onto Zidian, now finally dormant on his finger.

He takes a few seconds before he turns around to Jiang Cheng, a question clear in his eyes and Jiang Cheng shrugs through his embarrassment.

Jiang Cheng has transferred power over Zidian to Jiang Xiuying years ago, because just like Jin Ling, he simply wanted to keep him safe. Unlike with Jin Ling, Jiang Cheng might have forgot to mention it to Jiang Xiuying.

Who doesn’t seem to take it as well as Jiang Cheng had hoped.

“We’ll talk about this when we get home,” Jiang Xiuying threatens and Jiang Cheng is unable to keep his mouth shut.

“If,” he corrects, because Lan Wangji now seems more murderous than ever.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t like his chances, not even with Jiang Xiuying and Jin Ling here now.

“When,” Jiang Xiuying hisses and then stalks away, putting his back to Lan Wangji in a clearly disrespectful move.

It’s only now that Jiang Cheng realizes that Jiang Xiuying didn’t come alone. He walks over to a bunch of Yunmeng disciples and when Jiang Cheng recognizes them, he goes cold.

Of course Jiang Cheng knows that Jiang Xiuying would never force any of the people Jiang Cheng saved to show up here—their intention of telling the truth more than made clear by their actions—so these must be the ones that are alright with having their new identity revealed, but Jiang Cheng doesn’t have to like it.

“This is not a public event,” Jiang Cheng desperately says. “Disciples are not allowed here,” he goes on, turning back around to Lan Wangji. “I’m requesting you send them away.”

“Since you are being accused of a crime, you lost the right to call yourself Sect Leader,” Jiang Xiuying states. “I am acting Sect Leader of Yunmeng Jiang and I have every right to be here,” Jiang Xiuying bites out at Jiang Cheng and there is nothing Jiang Cheng can do to change that right now.

But the rest of his people shouldn’t be here.

“I am a newly appointed Sect Leader,” Jiang Xiuying says. “You cannot expect me to travel without due safety precautions.”

Jiang Cheng wants to strangle him for putting himself into this situation, but Jiang Xiuying looks at him like he expects it, his gaze steady and unwavering, and Jiang Cheng sinks back onto his heels, turning an imploring gaze on Lan Wangji.

“They stay,” Lan Wangji says, probably just to be contrary, even as he swipes the blood from his cheek. “There have been enough interruptions already.”

As if on cue one more interruption appears.

“Ah, am I late?” Nie Huaisang sheepishly asks from behind his fan. “I came as fast as I could, but—,” he trails off and shrugs. “Oh, good, Jiang Wanyin is still alive,” he then says when his eyes fall on Jiang Cheng and he positions himself far away from Lan Xichen. “Don’t let yourself be distracted, please do go on,” he expectantly says, when all eyes continue to stay on him, and Jiang Cheng wonders just what exactly he is up to this time.

“You have good people,” Lan Qiren suddenly whispers to Jiang Cheng and even though Jiang Cheng wants to do nothing more than wholeheartedly agree, he fears that their presence here will only make things harder on them.

Jiang Cheng’s eyes fall on Jin Ling, and it’s only then that he realizes how pale and shaken he seems and Jiang Cheng understands suddenly that Jin Ling pushed himself to fly as fast as he could to Lotus Pier, explaining everything to Jiang Xiuying, before they made their way here. Jin Ling probably didn’t rest since he flew off at the house.

And it must be like this, because if Lan Qiren only called for help when he fetched the healer, they are way too early.

“I wish I didn’t,” Jiang Cheng almost belatedly whispers but Lan Qiren only squeezes his shoulder.

“Your actions against the Chief Cultivator will be excused this once,” Lan Wangji says, voice icy and Jiang Xiuying mockingly bows to him. “It will not be enough to derail this trial. Let’s continue,” Lan Wangji declares and Jiang Cheng can’t believe how blind he truly is.

He is looking straight at Jiang Xiuying but he doesn’t seem to recognize him at all. Jiang Cheng honestly suspects that Lan Wangji is so dead set on killing him today that he doesn’t allow even the slightest doubt and so he conveniently tunes the nagging voice out.

It’s the only thing that makes sense, because otherwise Lan Wangji is just stupidly oblivious.

“Now, the accusations have been presented. Since Jiang Wanyin refuses to speak and there is no proof in his favour, who stands against Jiang Wanyin?” Lan Wangji asks and it’s worded incredibly biased towards Jiang Cheng’s guilt.

Predictably, Sect Leader Yao is the first one to speak up.

“The Yao Sect stands against Jiang Wanyin,” he declares, chest proudly puffed up and Sect Leader Ouyang steps up next.

“Baling Ouyang stands against Jiang Wanyin,” he agrees, and after that it’s just a flood of the smaller Sects declaring their stand against Jiang Cheng.

When the last one falls silent, Jin Ling doesn’t hesitate to speak up.

“Lanling Jin stands with Jiang Wanyin,” he declares, to the surprise of no one and Jiang Xiuying nods his agreement.

“Yunmeng Jiang stands with Jiang Wanyin,” he says, daring Lan Wangji with his eyes to disagree.

Everyone turns towards Nie Huaisang next.

“What do you want me to say? I don’t know, I really don’t know what to do,” Nie Huaisang says, rather predictably, Jiang Cheng thinks and Zidian sparks on his finger again.

It’s clearly reacting to Jiang Xiuying’s anger, since he’s glaring daggers at Nie Huaisang.

“For once in your life, do the right thing and say the truth,” Jiang Xiuying snaps at Nie Huaisang who looks at him over his fan, before he snaps it shut.

Gone is the headshaker and Jiang Cheng can hear Lan Xichen take a shaky breath at the reminder that Nie Huaisang is not as innocent as he seems.

“Fine,” Nie Huaisang says, his voice suddenly strong and clear. “You’re making a grave mistake, Lan Wangji,” Nie Huaisang tells him. “Qinghe Nie stands with Jiang Wanyin.”

Lan Wangji doesn’t seem surprised by these turns of events, but he also doesn’t seem to be happy about it. Once Nie Huaisang falls silent Lan Wangji turns expectant eyes on Lan Xichen, clearly expecting him to back Lan Wangji as well, now that all the smaller Sects do, despite Lan Xichen’s earlier show of support towards Jiang Cheng.

Lan Xichen’s vote will decide this, Jiang Cheng suddenly realizes, because if one of the Great Sects sides with the smaller ones, they outweigh the other three Great Sects and Jiang Cheng has a split second to doubt Lan Xichen.

He feels bad for it, even before Lan Xichen squares his shoulder.

“Gusu Lan stands with Jiang Wanyin,” he loudly declares without hesitation or doubt and Sect Leader Yao gasps in outrage as a hush falls over the crowd.

“Brother,” Lan Wangji says, clearly displeased with that, but Lan Xichen shakes his head.

“No. He is innocent of the charges you brought against him and Gusu Lan will not allow you to kill an innocent man. We stand with him,” he reiterates, underlined by Lan Qiren nodding.

Wei Wuxian has been oddly quiet; strangely enough his gaze is fixed upon Nie Huaisang and it’s not long before he speaks.

“Why do you stand with him?” he asks and Nie Huaisang flicks his fan open again.

“Because he is innocent and I have something to make up for,” Nie Huaisang says with a little nod of his head and Jiang Cheng is reminded of the conversation they had just before everything went to shit.

If this is how Nie Huaisang wants to make up for killing Mo Xuanyu then he should probably think again, Jiang Cheng bitterly thinks, even though he is aware that there is no way that Nie Huaisang can make up for a lost life at all.

“I see,” Wei Wuxian mutters and Jiang Cheng scoffs.

“You don’t see anything,” he tells him and then forces himself to his feet, shrugging Lan Qiren’s hand off in the process. “Now that this is decided, can I leave?” he asks, raising his still cuffed hands in a clear demand to be released, but Lan Wangji doesn’t move.

“Just because some people don’t find you guilty it doesn’t mean that you’re absolved. The Chief Cultivator stands against Jiang Wanyin.”

“The Chief Cultivator is supposed to be an unbiased voice. His job is to mediate between the Sects and balance the scales,” Jin Ling says, and Jiang Cheng doesn’t think he has ever heard him speak this frostily to someone before. “You’re not supposed to take sides.”

“The accusations regarding our lost disciple have to come from Gusu Lan,” Lan Xichen chimes in and Jiang Cheng is beyond grateful that he doesn’t use Jiang Xiuying’s old name. “You have nothing to bring against him, since he didn’t slight you personally.”

Lan Wangji’s grip on Bichen tightens and Jiang Cheng wonders just how badly Lan Wangji really wants him dead.

“So you just want to let him leave, knowing that he will kill again?” Wei Wuxian asks and Jiang Cheng can’t help but to jerk with his words.

It still hurts, to know that his own brother doesn’t even believe that he is innocent.

“The trust is broken,” one of the other Sect Leader agrees and they all start to nod.

“We can’t trade with Yunmeng anymore,” someone else says and Jiang Cheng closes his eyes.

Even if he does survive this, the reputation of his Sect will be tarnished, and the lives of his disciples will be unnecessary hard after this.

It’s everything Jiang Cheng never wanted.

When he opens his eyes again, his gaze falls on Jiang Xiuying who is already looking at him.

“Let them speak,” Jiang Xiuying lowly says, just loud enough to reach Jiang Cheng’s ears. “They are here on their own free will.”

Jiang Cheng takes a deep breath, because he suspected as much, but he still didn’t want to drag them into the spotlight like this.

“They shouldn’t have to,” he gives back and by now they have the attention of everyone, Jiang Cheng is more than aware of that.

“But they want to,” Jiang Xiuying replies and then smiles slightly at Jiang Cheng. “It’s not even only for your sake,” he then admits while he glares at Lan Wangji. “It would bring us great pleasure, too.”

Jiang Cheng chuckles at that, despite how everything inside him screams to bundle his people up and bring them far away, to protect them from prying eyes.

“Jiu-jiu, please,” Jin Ling chimes in when Jiang Cheng doesn’t agree to their plan and Jiang Cheng can’t help himself, he reaches out with his still bound hands to tug him closer to himself.

“Let us protect you for once,” Jiang Xiuying whispers, his voice steady and sure, and with Jin Ling’s comforting weight leaning against him Jiang Cheng finds it hard to remember why this is a bad idea.

That changes when his eyes fall on Lan Wangji again, but by then he has already agreed.

“Fine,” he mutters, casting a desperate glance towards his people.

“You are keeping them safe,” Jiang Xiuying promises. “You’re keeping them safe by protecting yourself.”

“I already said fine,” Jiang Cheng snaps, because he never did learn how to deal with the gratitude and love of his people and Jiang Xiuying smirks at him, because he knows exactly what Jiang Cheng is feeling.

He does know him too well, after all.

“We will keep them safe as well,” Lan Xichen suddenly says from right beside Jiang Cheng as he reaches out to undo his cuffs. “We are standing with you.”

“And I thank you for that,” Jiang Cheng says with a small nod before he straightens up. “Alright,” he decides. “Pardon this, Lan Xichen, but let’s stick it to your brother.”

Jin Ling snorts at his words, just as Jiang Xiuying bites back a smile and even Lan Xichen can’t hide the amusement in his eyes.

Jiang Cheng knows he will crash sooner or later; today has been a bit much with everything and the fact that he almost died today will catch up with him once he has a moment to think about it, but right now, with the people he loves behind him, he feels like he could do anything.

And if Jiang Cheng is being honest, the only thing he really wants to be doing right now is to make Lan Wangji and especially Sect Leader Yao eat their own words.

Jiang Xiuying motions for the others to step forward and Jiang Cheng recognizes all of them, of course he does. Even Jiang Sushan is there, Fu Zhihao pressed close to her side and Jiang Cheng itches with the need to send them away immediately.

Fu Zhihao barely healed and she’s still in no condition to be around older males for longer than absolutely necessary. She shouldn’t be here at all.

Jiang Cheng glares at Jiang Xiuying but he simply shrugs. He did say they are all here voluntarily, Jiang Cheng reminds himself. He just hopes it’s true as he turns towards Lan Wangji.

“Regarding the accusations made against me today,” he starts and cuts his glare over to Sect Leader Yao, who has the good grace to shrink back at the venom in that glare, “I have something to say.”

“Speak,” Lan Wangji demands, but he doesn’t sound too sure all of a sudden, doesn’t seem too happy with the proceedings, and Jiang Cheng does rather enjoy the feeling of triumph it brings him.

“I am innocent. I did not kill any demonic cultivators, nor did I torture them.”

His voice rings out in the courtyard because everyone is silent for two seconds, but then chaos erupts. The voices calling him a liar are the kinder ones, and Jiang Cheng shakes his head at them.

“And I have proof,” he continues, raising his voice so that it carries over the others.

Luo Ganting is the first to step forward and Jiang Cheng seethes with anger when Sect Leader Yao doesn’t seem to recognize him instantly.

“My name is Luo Ganting,” he says, turning towards Sect Leader Yao, his face speaking of the disgust he feels for the other man. “And I used to be Sect Leader Yao’s right hand man before Sect Leader Jiang saved me from my certain death.”

Sect Leader Yao gasps dramatically, but Jiang Cheng sees how he goes pale, how he starts to sweat and he knows there won’t be any more accusations from that front.

“I turned towards demonic cultivation when I couldn’t stand to be in Sect Leader Yao’s presence anymore and Sect Leader Jiang saved me. He gave me hope, a home, and a family. I have been with him for ten years now and I regret every year I wasted with Sect Leader Yao before. Jiang Wanyin is innocent.”

Fu Zhihao is the next to step up, Jiang Sushan hovering protectively at her back, but her voice doesn’t shake.

Jiang Cheng is incredibly proud of how far she has come in this short amount of time.

“My name is Fu Zhihao,” she starts and she keeps her eyes on Lan Wangji. “My family married me off to a man thrice my age, who insisted that I be a good wife. My hate for him was so strong that I turned to demonic cultivation without a second thought. I killed him and the child I was carrying but Sect Leader Jiang came to rescue me. I haven’t been with him for long, but even that short amount of time was better than the life I spent before.”

“In case it is unclear,” Jiang Xiuying chimes in, his voice as cutting as the glare he sends at Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. “She is the girl you accused Sect Leader Jiang of killing during the last cultivation conference.”

Lan Wangji’s face has turned into stone but Wei Wuxian watches the proceedings with big eyes, his lips parted, the colour drained from his face.

One after one Jiang Cheng’s people step forward, telling everyone present in what ways Jiang Cheng saved their lives. It’s clear by the faces of everyone present just how much they hate this, and Jiang Cheng has to admit that he does too.

He doesn’t like to be reminded how his people suffered before, can feel his eyes burn with the mere memory of it, of how unhappy and desperate they were, and Jiang Cheng has to actively remind himself that they are doing well these days.

It’s all in the past.

When the last person steps back, Jiang Xiuying steps forward and Jiang Cheng itches to pull him back, to shield him from this. But he knows he can’t do that, understands that this is something Jiang Xiuying has to do now and so he simply watches on.

“My name used to be Lan Zhi,” Jiang Xiuying starts with, raising his hand, his white forehead ribbon tightly clenched in it, adding proof to his words.

Jiang Cheng didn’t even know he kept it.

“And I used to be a disciple of Gusu Lan.”

Jiang Cheng does rather enjoy how Lan Wangji goes pale at that and he can’t help the small, satisfied smile on his face. The shock serves Lan Wangji right after he didn’t even recognize Jiang Xiuying.

“I turned towards demonic cultivation in my unhappiness and it was Sect Leader Jiang who showed me a different way. Who listened to me and took me serious, who offered me another life, one not dictated by rules that were suffocating me. He noticed me,” Jiang Xiuying says, clearly aiming to hit low with this, and going by Lan Wangji’s flinch, he managed it well. “He gave me a new name and a new family, and I couldn’t imagine a happier life.”

Jiang Cheng itches to pull Jiang Xiuying close, make sure that this doesn’t affect him more than he lets on, but he forces himself to hold still.

When no one else steps forward, Lan Xichen speaks.

“The accusations brought against Jiang Wanyin are baseless. He is innocent.”

“Then what happened today?” Wei Wuxian suddenly asks and Jiang Cheng jerks with the reminder that there are two people he didn’t manage to save.

Jiang Xiuying seems to sense his distress, because he steps close to Jiang Cheng, a supportive hand on his arm and Jiang Cheng takes a deep breath before he speaks.

“When I entered the house, Tan Chunhua was already dead. Xie Xifeng lost control of her powers and a knife went flying, hitting Tan Chunhua in the neck. When I tried to calm Xie Xifeng down, she lost herself to her grief and in the following outburst of her powers she accidentally turned Tan Chunhua into a puppet. She stabbed me,” he recounts, pointing at the injury in his shoulder. “When Xie Xifeng realized what she had done, she chose death over life and threw herself at Sandu,” Jiang Cheng forces out, the only thing grounding him into the present Jiang Xiuying’s steady hand on his arm.

“You tried to help,” Wei Wuxian whispers, clearly not taking that revelation well, and Jiang Cheng bares his teeth at him.

“Unlike you, who arrived before me and could have done something to prevent this tragedy,” he hotly says and then turns away from Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. “Now if that is all, I wish to return to my own Sect.”

Jiang Cheng doesn’t wait for Lan Wangji’s reply to that, and his path away from this farce of a trial leads him straight in front of the smaller Sect Leaders. Jiang Cheng tenses when Lang Hanying steps forward.

“What now?” Jiang Cheng snaps at her, but she bows deeply.

“We apologize for our misconception and blind belief that led to your suffering. Please do understand that we will need some time to reconcile this new information with the image we carried of you for so long.”

“Whatever,” Jiang Cheng grumbles, because he honestly couldn’t care less—all he wants to do right now is go home—but Jiang Xiuying doesn’t seem quite satisfied with it.

“You stood against him before,” he says, a clear challenge in his voice, making sure to look every person straight in the eyes, and Jiang Cheng knows that Jiang Xiuying won’t forget that these people called for Jiang Cheng’s death.

He can hold a grudge better than anyone, Jiang Cheng has found, and he promises to only let Jiang Xiuying deal with Sect Leader Yao now. Let him sweat some more.

“We cannot stand with him, the rift between the Jiang Wanyin we thought we knew and the real one is too great,” Lang Hanying says apologetically and then turns towards Lan Wangji. “But we do not stand against Jiang Wanyin,” she declares and Jiang Cheng can’t deny that he feels vindicated.

It’s a good feeling, he finds.

Jiang Cheng expectantly turns towards Lan Wangji, who seems as if he would rather take the punishment whip again as to say the words everyone is expecting from him now.

But no one steps in, and even Lan Xichen only raises an expectant eyebrow at his brother.

“Lan Wanyin is innocent and cleared of all accusations. Sect Leader Jiang is an honoured Sect Leader and is held in the highest regards,” Lan Wangji does eventually manage to press out and Jiang Cheng wonders just what it cost him to say that.

He can’t find it in himself to feel bad for Lan Wangji.

“Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian says unexpectantly and steps forward.

Jiang Xiuying immediately moves between them, and Jiang Cheng knows that he wouldn’t have any qualms using Zidian on Wei Wuxian as well, but Jiang Cheng tugs Jiang Xiuying back.

It’s not worth it. There have been enough meaningless fights today, and it’s simply not worth it.

“Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian says again, and this time it’s Jin Ling who intercepts him, just as protective as Jiang Xiuying.

“Don’t you dare speak to him,” Jin Ling hisses. “There is no relation between you at all, not after today, so you should return to your husband’s side.”

It’s said with so much disdain that even Jiang Cheng has to raise an eyebrow in surprise, but when Wei Wuxian doesn’t move, he lets out a sigh.

“You believed this,” Jiang Cheng says, and all of a sudden he feels tired to his bones and yet again it’s only his own stubborn pride that keeps him on his feet and his head raised. “You believed I killed countless people, out of hate for a single person. You wouldn’t listen to reason and you would not give me the benefit of the doubt. There is nothing more to say between us, Wei Wuxian.”

Jiang Cheng doesn’t wait to see the effect his words have on Wei Wuxian, turning away from him almost before he finishes speaking, but he hears the pained breath Wei Wuxian takes in the wake of his words, voiced with utter finality.

He knows it’s petty, but Jiang Cheng hopes Wei Wuxian will regret his actions until the day he dies, just like Jiang Cheng still regrets the actions he took sixteen years ago.

“Thank you for your support,” Jiang Cheng says with a small bow when he comes across Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren, who simply nod at him.

“We promised,” Lan Xichen gives back as if it is that easy, as if promises haven’t been broken countless times before. “You will always have a friend and ally in Gusu Lan.”

“Yunmeng Jiang appreciates it,” Jiang Cheng replies and then turns towards Nie Huaisang who is still watching the proceedings with hawk eyes.

“You want the position as Chief Cultivator so badly, you should get rid of the old one,” Jiang Cheng says without preamble and he enjoys the surprised look on Nie Huaisang’s face.

He’s not as unpredictable as he likes to think, especially not since Jiang Cheng saw his true face once, but right now Jiang Cheng is too tired to be angry that Nie Huaisang used his plight to his advantage.

“I’m filing an official complaint against the current holder of the position,” Jiang Cheng informs him. “I accuse him of actively withholding help to Tan Chunhua and Xie Xifeng, causing their death with it. Do with that what you want.”

“I will, Jiang-xiong,” Nie Huaisang promises and he seems way too satisfied for Jiang Cheng’s taste.

“That won’t be necessary,” Lan Xichen suddenly says, his eyes still on Lan Wangji who honestly seems shell-shocked by the proceedings today.

Jiang Cheng can’t even pretend to feel bad.

“What do you mean?” Jin Ling wants to know and it’s only then that Lan Xichen turns towards them.

“He broke several rules with his actions. He will be asked to go into seclusion for an as of yet undetermined time to reflect on his behaviour. The position of Chief Cultivator is thus vacant.”

“Do you think he will repent for what he did?” Jiang Xiuying asks and Lan Xichen slightly bows his head.

“My brother has strong opinions. It will take him time to come to terms with the fact that he was blinded by unjustified hate. Time we will give to him.”

Locked away in the jingshi, Lan Xichen doesn’t say out loud, but Jiang Cheng understands him anyway. It doesn’t feel like enough, after all Lan Wangji put him through, especially today, but Jiang Cheng still nods.

“His inactions regarding Tan Chunhua and Xie Xifeng are a different matter. He will be punished for that accordingly, since he used them to manipulate you,” Lan Xichen adds and even though he sounds pained, his voice doesn’t waver.

“That seems acceptable,” Jiang Xiuying says when Jiang Cheng can’t find it in him to answer and Lan Xichen leaves them with one last bow.

Nie Huaisang kept quiet through the exchange, fanning himself or maybe simply hiding, but Jiang Xiuying clearly did not forget about him.

“If you come after us, or Jin Ling, we will destroy you,” Jiang Xiuying promises Nie Huaisang as they walk past him, and Nie Huaisang seems to be smart enough to believe him.

“You shouldn’t aggravate other Sect Leaders,” Jiang Cheng chides him, once they made their way away from them all and Jiang Xiuying huffs.

“He shouldn’t play with my Sect Leader,” he gives back and then stops Jiang Cheng with a light hand to his shoulder. “We came here out of our own will. We took a stand because we wanted to,” he reassures Jiang Cheng who still finds that hard to believe, but who nods anyway. “And I am so giving the title of Sect Leader back to you,” Jiang Xiuying then adds with a dangerous smirk and Jiang Cheng knows there will be several loud and lengthy conversations about this.

“You were stupid, jiu-jiu,” Jin Ling says from Jiang Cheng’s other side, his voice all choked up, and Jiang Cheng can tell that there are more talks in his future on that front as well.

Given that he thought he would never get to see these two people again, Jiang Cheng is rather looking forward to it.

Bonus Jiang Cheng/Jiang Xiuying chapter

{Buy me a kofi}

#bt writes #the untamed #mdzs #jiang cheng #jiang xiuying #rumor has it #the trial #the reveal #the truth comes out #secrets #found family #support #hurt/comfort #angst #hope

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dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram · 3 years ago

Note

Good morning/afternoon/evening/night, Ralph. (I think I covered all my time zone bases there). I have been thinking lot lately about all the rhetoric in the fandom about Harry’s health and well-being, and how loud it has felt this year. To be clear, I am not asking for you to weigh in with your own speculations about how Harry is doing, unless you feel comfortable doing so. (I’m not telling you what to do either way, obviously, seeing as I am only a little grey icon in your inbox and have no right or way to demand anything of you.) I’m more looking for guidance or even just your rambling thoughts about what is respectful and appropriate when we’re wondering about a celebrity’s well being, and how you handle your own thoughts and assumptions about this. I feel like over the course of the last year we’ve just been inundated with all this panic and speculation about how Harry is unhappy or unhealthy or otherwise not himself, going all the way back to the Jingle Bell Ball Golden performance. Every time we get any new content there’s a wave of people saying he looks too thin and overworked like he’s not getting enough food or rest, or overweight and out of shape (pick a lane, people), he looks stressed, he looks sad, he looks angry, his eyes have lost their sparkle, his smile is dim, he’s addicted to drugs, he’d addicted to drugs because Jeff is doping him up to keep him going, he’s going to quit music, he’s going to hurt himself, blah blah blah. And the people making these “observations” hide behind the assertion that they’re just worried for his health when they’re faced with any sort of criticism.

This whole ongoing rhetoric feels really…icky? I suppose? to me. I do kind of think he has looked more drawn and intense (“stressed” and “sad”) in the content we’ve gotten this year, but I also think (1) the content we’ve gotten has largely been pap shots and stunt stuff, (2) this year he had to postpone his tour, and we know he loves performing so that must have really sucked, and (3) this year has just been rather shit for all of us, we’re all stressed and sad and scared and frustrated by the larger political and social goings on, and by the ways our own lives are impacted. In the past, the content we’ve gotten where Harry looks the happiest and most at ease has been performance footage or him with his family and loved ones. We haven’t gotten any of that this year. It makes sense that the pictures we do get would feature him looking less than completely relaxed and jubilant. And then there are all the assumptions that he’s lost weight or gained weight and is therefore unhealthy or on drugs or drinking a lot and that just honestly pisses me off. You cannot tell jack shit about a person’s health from their weight, and especially not in random pictures taken at random intervals in random settings. To pretend you can is harmful, and Harry probably won’t see you making these assumptions about his mental and physical health based on the prominence of his cheekbones in a set of pap pics, but friends and strangers who are already struggling with their weight will. And the assertion that someone is dealing with an addiction of any kind (or, god forbid, and I hate even typing this, being subjected to drug use at the hands of someone with power over them) is an allegation that a) you can’t make from one picture and b) has really deep, life altering, tragic and painful and hard consequences for that person and all their loved ones, and deserves more respect and deference than to be treated as something you can just throw out into the great wild beyond and then forget about.

But beyond the fact that people are making hurtful and invasive allegations and assumptions about a real person’s private life based entirely on a very very limited and posed and edited set of content that was hand chosen to be given to us, I think the thing that bothers me the most is it feels like the people who are driving these conversations are doing so because they want something from Harry. It’s never (or rarely, I suppose) “man Harry looks tired in the pictures we’ve gotten lately, I really hope he’s taking care of himself, things have been so hard for us all.” It’s always “Harry has been so withdrawn and sad and angry he’s not communicative with fans and he’s not willing to engage with them when he sees them in public and I miss him. I miss my Harry. I miss happy Harry. I want him back. Give me Harry back.” Which tells me the concern isn’t Harry or Harry’s health, but rather the feeling that Harry owes us something that he hasn’t been giving, and now he must pay up or give us a valid excuse.

Then I do, occasionally though, find myself thinking “am I doing exactly what I’m complaining about? Am I assuming the worst of people based on a limited set of insights into their lives?” And in the wake of the Britney legal battle that has been unfolding recently, I sometimes wonder if maybe as fans we do have kind of a duty to call out celebrities when they seem to be struggling or acting incredibly out of character. Most of the time I follow this up immediately with the thought that I’m not responsible for anyone else’s health and safety, much less that of a 27 year old man I’ve never met and have no connection to beyond liking his music and his face, and I do truly believe that, but there is some part of me that feels uneasy just turning off all my concern, because I am a person who tends to be greatly concerned about everyone, who just wants everyone to be happy and healthy and safe and loved, and who wants to help people feel that way, where and when I can. So I guess what I’m asking, in the incredibly long winded and winding way I ask anyone anything (my poor husband, he gets a novel from me every time I ask what he thinks we should do for dinner) is do you have any of these same feelings and concerns? How do your navigate them? Where do you draw a line? Do you just withdraw completely from this type of speculation? How do you balance being a kind, engaged, empathetic fan with being a respectful, responsible fan who knows their limits? (And man, isn’t that the ultimate question?). Your blog is one I end up on whenever something big happens or a particular conversation pops up, because I’ve found that I really value the way you break things down and are willing to consider them from many perspectives, so I appreciate you even taking the time to read this.

Thanks for your interesting thoughts about Harry anon. I feel like there's a lot to respond to here and I'm going to start by answering the questions your questions - and then I'm going to get distracted and talk about a post I really hated.

I'm always a little bit worried about Harry, and all 1D members. He might be really struggling, that's always a possibility. Harry has lived a very intensely scheduled high workload life since he was 16. He might have had all sorts of responses to the fact that that schedule was removed, or anything else that is happening in his life. But I feel like I'm generally pretty boundaried about those concerns.

I think part of it is because my base line assumption is that boyband members are pretty fucked up. You don't need to know a lot about the history of touring musicians to know that. I think I've said before that if 1D members are eating every day and not doing needle drugs then they're doing better than we have any right to expect (and if they're not eating and are doing needle drugs, then those are coping mechanisms for intense stress and there's no shame in either of them).

I do think it helps with boundaries to be starting from a point that acknowledges how hard it is to be a popstar. I'm all about fantasies of omnipotence and in my day to day life I think I can fix all sorts of things, but I don't think I can make any difference to any 1D member's life.

In addition, I am profoundly affected by having been a fan throughout 2016. We know what it looks like when Louis was going through a horrendous, devastating, trauma - and it looks pretty normal.

None of this means I don't have opinions, or worries, but I am aware that my opinions or worries aren't facts. It's rare that I think that my worries should matter even to people reading my tumblr, let alone other fans in general, and certainly not Harry. You say 'am I doing the same thing as other people assuming the worst about people...', but I'd argue that that's actually not the problem. There's nothing wrong with assuming the worst of people. What is wrong is when fans think their assumptions about a celebrity should matter to anyone else. You don't have to turn off your concern to think that it's not a priority.

I definitely think it would be a very bad thing if people took the moral as the 'free Britney' movement as 'fans should call out celebrities when they think they're struggling'. That sort of surveillance isn't effective or useful. What has been useful for Britney is solidarity in a well documented power struggle, which is a very different thing.

And I can't emphasise enough how important the 'well documented' aspect of this is. What most fan worrying about Harry amounts to is: 'I don't like what he's doing, and there's no way he'd do things I didn't like and therefore there must be something wrong with him'. That's a really controlling way of thinking about people. I really think it's important not to reproduce that abusers logic.

I am pretty well insulated from that sort of discourse from a very well weeded dash. But I saw a post that was mostly about other fandom stuff, that treated assumptions like: "Harry must hate being with Olivia and he's suffering and it's clear he's not happy with his image and his team" as building blocks that you don't even have to argue for (this is the post - and I'm going to come back to one of the things someone said that was even worse in a second).

Lets stop for a minute and imagine that Harry hasn't got a problem pretending to date Olivia, and his main concerns are about the messiness of life and his career at this point in time. It is really fucked up and agressive, and pretty hateful towards Harry, to say 'oh he couldn't possibly want this. It's clear that he hates it.' etc. (I feel like I've been making this argument for years about people who object to Louis doing such things as smoking and not performing middle-class culture for them). When fans trash talk what Harry is doing at the moment, and suggest that believing he could be choosing what he's doing is some how an act of huge disrespect to him, there is every chance they are trash talking him and the choices he's making.

The final thing I want to draw attention to is how often this sort of fan storytelling is combined with a profound lack of interest in what 1D members are actually going through. The tags screen shotted and added on to the post I reblogged actually described Holivia as Douis 2.0. Apparently assuming that there was absolutely no connection between Douis, and Louis and his family's ultimately successful efforts to privacy as Jay was dying. What the fuck is wrong with people that they ignore that, and erase that? There's far more interest in making up 1D members suffering so that fans can continue to tell the stories they want to tell, than actual acknowledgement of what we know that they went through.

Sorry I got distracted. What I'm trying to say is that there's nothing wrong with having feelings about celebrities or telling stories about them. But it's so important to acknoweldge the limits of your knowledge and power, even when fandom discourse encourages the opposite.

#I cannot articulate how angry the tags about Douis made me #not just insisting that they were the same as Holivia #and therefore erasing what was going on for Louis in 2016 #but insisting other people do the same #None of this would be necessary #if people would just be OK with the fact that they were following closeted artists #and therefore those artists would pretend to date women #But instead #so many fans make up suffering to explain 1D members are doing things they don't like #and in the process show contempt for what we know they've been through

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