#I feel like a proud parent myself
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The eggies are so smart! Look at their little drills!
Dapper is so happy teaching them and sharing their knowledge ahahahaha
#qsmp#live blorging#they are so cuteeeee#❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️#I hope dapper continues teaching others about the create mod#after this quest#they are having so much fun with it#:D#I feel like a proud parent myself#lmao
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therapy
#personal#vent#comic#im fine rn btw im just reflecting#Working thru all my issues alone is starting to feel like a larger task than its worth though#I was able to largely deal w one big trauma recently after 4 years and I was rly proud of myself for that bc I did it alone#So Like I’m not even saying I can’t work thru my issues by myself#But like. Maybe I shouldn’t have to yk#Like the truth is I like myself a lot and I don’t like watching myself suffering as weird as that sounds#So maybe I need to take initiative for once instead of putting myself thru awful shit waiting to work it out#But also I’d have to talk to my parents bc therapy isn’t cheap and I’m still on their insurance afaik#And everytime I’ve talked to them about therapy it’s been like this 😭 they don’t deal with emotions well at all#And there’s never a good time to bring it up
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unnerving to see people younger than me living their lives and doing adult stuff successfully. stop that you're supposed to eat ice cream for dinner and be unemployed
#stop making me look bad by having a husband and a baby rn you're 22 fr 😭#tho i do have two friends who got married at 18 and 21 and actually i look good compared to them bc everyone they know was like stoppppp#they dated for ike 4 months before getting engaged lmao#but some people who got married young are actually doing okay and normal and that makes me look bad lol#not necessarily always abt marriage tho#people younger than me with an actual career or grown up job make me feel this way also#anyway#every day im living a life indistinguishable from when i was a teenager and many people my age are already parents with mortgages and such#😐😐😐#anyway i spent my grown up job money on some flowers and now i have no job bc i let my mean supervisor bully me into quitting#i also spent grown up job money on an oven (successfully) and a car (unsuccessfully)#i am rlly just out here.... telletubby with a credit card fr#job just give you money and you can spend it on whatever you want (but watch out)#anyway car was a piece of garbage that couldn't pass inspection 😔#was so proud of myself paying cash for my first car but there's a reason it was that cheap lmao
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Whoopsie time
#vent tw#cw vent#I'm stupid to have dropped out of college#now I don't know what I'm doing and I can't do the very passion I set out to do#Animation was my dream and I ruined it for a guy who groomed me and ended up physically abusing me.#I didn't realize trying to animate and failing because I don't understand it no matter what I look up about it would result in a breakdown#Not to mention I'm regressing in my art skill right now.#My art is ASS right now no matter how hard I try to improve it#references... Practice... Doodles... Warmups you name it#nothing is going right and I have the urge to quit art altogether#I'm not going to and I can't bring myself to ever do that but It's aching inside me#I want my art to be good according to me. not others. People can say it's great but if I don't like it... I'm not going to settle for it#I shouldn't have left#I loved college#I loved SELU#I loved my life back then#And now I'm here. And I'm not happy anymore.#Even with writing. I even took a long break from writing and I still can't do it right according to myself.#Now I have no muse or motivation for any of it#I feel empty. And I can't go to therapy because I can't afford the balance on my account.#I just feel like I failed.#I feel like I failed my parents and myself. They always tell me theyre so proud of me but I don't understand how they can be.#Not when I ended up in two severely abusive relationships... Dropped out of college twice... And now work in a factory full time.#Yeah i make decent money in a place I enjoy but it all just feels empty.#I could've been more#i could've done better#[[out of ammo]];; ooc
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Don't know if I've gushed about this here yet but I will gush about again!!!
I love how loving the gods have 'tricked' me into loving parts of myself I have forsaken. I could never claim to be as cunning or witty as Lord Hermes or let alone as ferocious and driven as Lord Ares- BUT I still see traits of them in myself.
How can I take my silver tongue for granted if Lord Hermes so graciously gifted it to me?
How could I look down on what others deem to be 'bad emotions' if it's what helps Lord Ares win the war?
It's been a long journey and it's going to be a longer one still to love myself fully but I think I'm starting to truly love the journey and not just tolerate it for the sake of surviving.
#hermes deity#ares deity#ares worship#hermes worship#damn#love the feeling of falling in love with the people I care about over and over again#can you use the term 'people' for the gods?#I've been able to set boundaries and allow myself to be 'feral' more often#sometimes I feel like a little kid who managed to do something their parents taught em#“Oh man Lord Ares is gonna be so proud of me for feeling one (1) emotion today!”#AND HE IS#“Hehe I wonder if Lord Hermes will appreciate me tricking this asshole into giving money to the community”#AND HE DOES#I used to feel so much guilt and shame for this shit#it's feels nice to be loved wholly (and fucking scary)#blah blah blah imposter syndrome blah blah blah gods seeing the ugly parts of you and going meh#I CAN'T#helpol#hellenism
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so today..this morning. my little brother took the wrong medication. he took his sleeping drugs at the top of the day and as such he was out COLD allllll day. genuinely like, all day he was asleep. meaning he was not gonna sleep tonight.
mum knows i stay up til like 3am normally anyway, so she was like can you be on babysitting duty you might have to be up all night. i was like sure.
we watched the karate kid 3 together, cause hes been hyperfixating on cobra kai recently (the karate kid sequel series), then i put on a couple cooking videos to make him hungry, then let him take his time to get the words out and tell me all about cobra kai while i was using the leftover pizza dough to make a pizza for us to share (i was also very hungry, and he didn't get any of my pizza at lunch cause he was asleep)
we talked about heaps of stuff and he wanted to talk about eminem so we showed our favourite eminem songs and then we ate the pizza. then i cleaned up and i unpacked and repacked and turned on the dishwasher. and i told him after i was done with the kitchen id get him some dessert, but by the time i was finished he was tired. so he went up to bed and i am the best big brother and im gonna make an incredible parent
#im really proud of myself#i normal struggle with him due to his disabilities like. our mannerisms and everything#are quite polar opposites#and that makes it hard for me to stay calm sometimes#but if im in control of the situation its ok#which is why im a great big brother when mum and dad arent around but its harder for me when they are#does that make any sense?#anyway. im really proud of myself i feel really good :33#i like being a good parent#sorry for posting such a long post lol ill post a pic of the pizza to make up for it
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vent under cut
lord this is sick on both sides. but the physical and psycological damage taken from my younger sister getting a really wonderful job opportunity and soon after my mother goes like "well, when are you getting a better job?" like damn bro im so sorry, you dont have to remind me every single time what i do is not enough, its not like im enjoying this, cant you just be less of an ass and celebrate the actual good news
#sorry i#i dont know i dont even know what to say im a jealous nasty and digusting piece of work i dont want to be myself either#i dont enjoy this a bit#am i super jealous and mad and do i feel like a massive waste of oxygen the fucked up prototype? people have to put up with because its the#first model but nobody really wants#like well yes am i conflicted because its amazing and im proud of her but my ego is taking too many blows#but then again you also know what if my parents are too busy complaining about my failures to celebrate i will#because she deserves her allnighter and her stress and her nights crying over programs crashing to be seen#i should get her a new mouse or a pretty keyboard#and some pompompurin socks#i wish i could get her something else but what#a new switch game? what does she want?
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Hm. I might need help actually.
#maybe bottling all these feelings in no matter what to make it seem like I'm okay was a bad idea.#maybe being afraid of failure and pushing myself to the limit to make others (read: parents) proud is a bad thing.#(like it's not even for myself it's like “I just want it over with this.”)#Maybe letting my parents dictate almost every aspect of my life and never speaking up about what I wanna do wasn't good#maybe crying over grades lower than a 70 isn't normal#maybe being a fulltime people pleaser isn't healthy#..... huh#like there have been many vents I would have posted but by the time I got to the end it's like. Who cares. It doesn't matter anyways.#and then it's back to shoving that under the rug for l̶a̶t̶e̶r̶ never.#.... goddammit.#I'm fine. just.#god. what have i been doing with my life.
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My car is finally going and is probably not safe to drive so I’m like emailing back and forth with a guy at a Toyota dealership bc I’m going to buy a new car within the month which is wild to me being an adult and having the help/resources to do that
#my gf is helping me with the down payment so I can put down most and have a monthly payment under $200#and in October I get a $10000 salary increase bc I’ll have completed classes to get across the salary guide#which is awesome I just never like envisioned myself in this position#it’s hard for me to ask for help bc I’ve done all of my adult life essentially on my own#so my gf putting down a large chunk of money to help me means a lot and is hard to accept#her parents are coming with us tm to test drive a Corolla and I really appreciate it#it’s just hard not to be weird about it ya know#anyway rip Karen my 2003 Corolla#pour one out for a real one#but yeah I am proud of myself that I’m able to do this#it’s just a weird feeling having actual grown up money#julianne speaks#personal
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#when i was a kid I was kinda neglected and my parents didn't like me very much but whatever#in tv there would always be these talent#and they would stare little kids with they parents being THERE and PROUD#so in my kid brain i thought: alright so to better my situation i just need to get really good at something and then they'll care for me#and the only skill i had been complimented on before was drawing#so i started teaching myself drawing#birds because i liked them and plants because i thought my mother loved and later skeletons because i was emo lol#and i think how i am so perfectionist in my art (eventhough i try to be happy with just whatever i make these days)#and i think about that quote of suzanne riveca thats like:#(my art) has to be perfect it has to be irreproachable in every way to make up for it#to make up for the fact that it's me#and about that one tweet that went something lile#sometimes we strive for pervection in our art because we hope to one day create something that doesn't look like we made it#and how i love drawing and hat that knife against my throat that hinges my life on it being good#and how no matter what i do#I can't get rid of that sinking feeling that i always have to struggle and earn my place in someones life#even when i know it's not like that and thats just the mentally ill part of my brain being loud and dumb#Like i got so many issues under controll by now#many reason to be proud! and be positive about things getting better and my own strength#but some part of my brain is still that little girl alone in all the empty rooms#and i can't get her out of there#because the strength that girl needed to make it through is the same strength i need to help myself through the waves of the aftermath#like i feel like to heal i'd need to allow mysf to be weak but that prospect of not holding myself clenxhed like a fist is so scary#and also knowing how bad my brain can be who knowd what would happen lol#and I WISH not every therapist in my city that accepts patients was a weird nutjob#so i could talk to them about it rather than the tumblr tag#but this is the hand we've been given and it's the hand we need to hold or however that goes#a few days ago someone called me charming and that was very nice#tumblr still limiting the tags to 30 😔 how is a girl supppse to therapise herself in that economy????#whatever!!! i am shattering like glass but at least i have viddy games and cool people in my life that like me despite it all and music
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#why am I such a disappointment#it’s like I do nothing right#I just told my dad that I applied for a part time tutoring position#I was proud of myself#been struggling to find a job#yet what does he do#goes off on me#about not getting a job this summer#says I really disappointed him#I’m trying to find a teaching job#this is my last summer before I’m full force in the work force#I just wanted to enjoy that freedom#don’t have much on my resume#but only cause my parents said a job could wait#as long as I’m in school#didn’t mention that rule#didn’t apply for graduate school#i’m trying#i’m really trying#but it’s hard to get motivated#i feel like I’m never enough#and can’t share the things I’m proud of#cause then he just goes off on me#and it makes me feel so worthless#so stupid#such a disappointment#nobody cares though#26 unemployed and uninsured#just needed to rant
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#okok I did it I passed and it was fine really but I got a worse grade than the others in my group and its like#I did nothing all semester#and its pretty great that I got that good a grade at all for the fact that I literally did the whole semesters work yesterday#but I cant help being disappointed#because most of the groups work was done by me#and I wanted to say so many things and was so nervous I couldn't.#I knew every answer to the questions but couldn’t get them out#and its like#i get so angry sometimes because I can’t even take a shower and when I leave the house I just step over weeks worth of laundry#and nobod ever asks me how my day was because I have no people in my life that care and its just#its mad impressive I passed and I should be proud of myself but it just reminds me how much I dislike everything about my life#its not even a bad grade its barely that much worse than the others#but the others have parents and partners and support and I dont.#I swear the only emotion I feel these days is jealousy#🤣🤣🤣 everyone disregard that
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im home and already swallowed by despair. can you believe i was in CHICAGO a few hours ago. and now im here. lol
#i know i know. and i need to let the anguish motivate me to get out of here. but it feels like i dreamed it all#purrs#chicago#i had a rough time getting out of the hotel and through the airport to my gate and also im bad at math so i fucked up the calculation about#when my flight lands bc of the time zone change and i gave my parents the time in central time not eastern time so my dad was waiting for m#for like a half hour and texting me and i wasn’t answering bc i was still in the air and he was pissed at me and snarky in my texts with hi#and i was sitting there on the plane and could just feel his words ripping into me and the horrors rushing back in and i still haven’t#recovered from it honestly. it wasn’t that big of a deal he just said something that i misunderstood as him saying he was giving up waiting#for me and going home bc id already wasted his time and even though that was not what he actually said it just kinda burrowed into me that#my parents were mad at me and were probably also mad at me for not communicating with them AT ALL the entire time i was in chicago. and it#just was eating me alive. im home now and we haven’t talked about it but they did say things disapproving of the fact that i did a lot of#stuff by myself which i probably shouldn’t have told them. idk. it’s not even that bad i just am torn apart by their rejection of me and#utter inability to just like be happy for me without criticizing some part of it or restraining me. plus the house is just as much of a#biohazard as it was when i left and all the broken things are still broken and it’s like. a lot. i miss the hotel LOL#i think im just sleep deprived and not in my head right today but i do not want to be here. sinking in quicksand unable to breathe. but i#have to be the one to get me out of it and i should have learned how in chicago but i didn’t it was just a break and now im stuck again#delete later#kind of terrible that instead of being so proud and happy about what i did my immediate reaction is to be miserable that im home now lol
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I've realized I need to stop comparing myself to my sister in terms of how put together our lives are. like, she graduated from college last month and got a job right out of school... at the company our dad has been working at for the last ~15 years. and now she and her boyfriend are buying a house together... and it's our childhood home that our dad is selling because he's moving into a farmhouse he renovated with his new wife.
#come on dad. make it just a little less obvious that I'm not the favorite child#maybe i. too. would have been going places in life if I had been shown even an ounce of support when it came to my dreams and creativity#i'm allowing myself to be just a little bit bitter right now#like. even just how my dad handled our graduations this year#my sister got an 'i'm proud of you' facebook post and was taken out to lunch#and I got my dad bitching at me for several hours each day while he helped me move out of my apartment#I definitely feel like when it comes to me his parenting is more obligation than care#should I expect more from a vaguely bigoted midwestern dad that used to remind me how lucky I was#that he didn't beat me like his dad would have? probably not. but as they say. disappointed but not surprised#alisha babbles
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Oh I just remembered that very early during the pandemic or a little before idk I had a dream on which I was living on a beach town and working as a teacher and I looked very different (long dark hair, prettier, just more mature, normie & put together in general ?) and when I woke up was like haha that's never going to happen, I could never work at a school or get out of the gastronomic system, I'm doing this for life + moving out is impossible anyway with my salary. And now... 5 years later (that felt like much less??) I'm doing (nearly) all that :|
#i remember the feeling of knowing i didnt have time or resources to go into practice and i didnt want to either. i had had a crisis idk#2 years earlier about all that and bareky finished my lit degree#at the time#i was also working 12 hs shifts for less than minimum wage#ik 5 years seem like a lot but i also am not sure how i went slowly building up to where i am currently ;_#there had to be a gradual progress but i just think things were happening very suddenly and i was pushed into situations very thoughtlessly#when i didnt even want to be in them. and i just went with the flow only to not remain stagnant#like i quit bakeries and moved to other bakeries until i hit my archival job that gave me the push to both get serious about my#second degree and also being surrounded by so many ppl in professional fields and researchers made me feel bad abt myself so much that i#started doing better lmaoo#finally getting insurance after so long being in gastronomics (hell) was so good to me too....#getting treatment for my mental health took me out of the gutter too omg. thats more recent development but if i hadnt done that i feel lik#i would be rotting...#but yeah i was pretty hopeless and with no money. lived very poorly and rly without prospect even after getting my degree anddd yeah...#what im doing now seemed like the kind of things that a much more successful people would be doing. i felt much like a kid working dead end#jobs so i didnt have to move back with my parents#not like an adult at all#anywho i should write this on my journal. im proud of myself still :'3
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nobody here fucking listens to me nobody here fucking cares when its important im so sick of this fucking house
#my mom can freak out when i drop a fucking plate or something because when THEY yell or call me slurs or hit me its perfectly fine#my mom says she hated when my father teased me but she never stopped him wnd n#and now when i get called a fucking faggot its none of her business either#why would it be#when i tried to to kill myself when i was more actively suicidal it wasnt let's get my daughter some help it was fucking#do you want to go to a mental hospital? where they'll tie you up? do you want to be like your father?#other people have it worse. other people have made it. youre only thinking of yourself. youre making me look like a bad parent.#even now she talks all proud in her therapy sessions and with the case workers but i know she hasn't tried to help me at all. i have no idea#where my lifes going and i have no idea where to start and she hasnt helped at all.#but its okay because shes getting better and shes the only fucking person in this house that matters right. she knows EVERYTHINGGGG#when my brothers talk bullshit it's okay for them to have their own opinions. when she gets offended its never on my behalf. im queer when#she gets to say shes sooo supportive but then she forgets#i can't use my name because she gave me everything and i have to think about her feelings#when i defend myself im just as at fault because why would i defend myself right. why wouldn't i just lie down and take shit#i fucking hate this house#i hope i never see everyone here again#aethers rants#cw vent#personal posts and stuff idk#swearing cw
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