#I feel like a proud parent myself
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The eggies are so smart! Look at their little drills!
Dapper is so happy teaching them and sharing their knowledge ahahahaha
#qsmp#live blorging#they are so cuteeeee#❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️#I hope dapper continues teaching others about the create mod#after this quest#they are having so much fun with it#:D#I feel like a proud parent myself#lmao
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therapy
#personal#vent#comic#im fine rn btw im just reflecting#Working thru all my issues alone is starting to feel like a larger task than its worth though#I was able to largely deal w one big trauma recently after 4 years and I was rly proud of myself for that bc I did it alone#So Like I’m not even saying I can’t work thru my issues by myself#But like. Maybe I shouldn’t have to yk#Like the truth is I like myself a lot and I don’t like watching myself suffering as weird as that sounds#So maybe I need to take initiative for once instead of putting myself thru awful shit waiting to work it out#But also I’d have to talk to my parents bc therapy isn’t cheap and I’m still on their insurance afaik#And everytime I’ve talked to them about therapy it’s been like this 😭 they don’t deal with emotions well at all#And there’s never a good time to bring it up
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Something about AU Vander telling AU Powder she's "too smart to spend her life in a bar" vs telling AU Ekko (as far as he knows, anyway) that he thinks he'd be "running this place soon" makes the latter almost seem like an insult.
#everyone insisting Powder should be changing the world kind of fits with what the maintimeline has going on#only kinda bc if anything Jinx needs some peace and less responsibility and fewer revolutions and struggle and all that#but also if i were AU powder#who grew up dirt poor and lost both her parents and then her sister#and after a long period of grieve and strive#things look up#everyone is recovering (from poverty) and better physically and mentally#and i decided to chill out and remain close to my family in my chosen profession#and everyone kept telling me i should be more ambitious and change the world#i'd be biting people#or maybe vander meant ekko'd be running the undercity but doubt that's the intention of the line#anyway the entire episode's focus on powder kind of annoyed me#not in the sense that she's present but in the sense that every little detail is more about her than ekko#vander says ekko should be proud of himself bc powder's been raving about his z-drive and she hasn't looked so alive in a long time#as if the merit of the zdrive is that it made powder feel better and not that it's an amazing invention ekko plans to enter a competition w#and it would be fine if almost every conversation wasn't like that#but ekko never wonders about the firelights or asks claggor about his plant invention (which would be revolutionary for his undercity)#or even wonders about AU ekko's /his own AU's self apparently rather unhealthy mental state#the only conversations ekko has in this episode that aren't through the lense of powder are exposition with heimer and his hug with benzo#if anything powder's nonreaction to ekko's mood swings#worries and altered personality kind of implies that it doesn't matter to her#or the writers who exactly ekko is in this relationship or what her feelings are about him#but i'm getting ahead of myself#arcane#arcane season 2#arcane spoilers#ekko#arcane meta
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will i ever get over the feeling that i was not made for this family?
#they’re all so smart#and so sporty#and my brother is just like my parents in all the things they consider most important#and here i am#falling apart#he was made for this in a way that i was not#and worst of all#i can’t hate him for it#this is where he thrives#he’s headed for great fucking things#and i’m so fucking proud of him#as much as we fight he is my little brother and i think i might love him more than anyone else in the world#he is my little brother and he is so much better than me#and there is no one to blame for it but myself#and i don’t know what to do with that#feel like i don’t belong here#fuck.
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unnerving to see people younger than me living their lives and doing adult stuff successfully. stop that you're supposed to eat ice cream for dinner and be unemployed
#stop making me look bad by having a husband and a baby rn you're 22 fr 😭#tho i do have two friends who got married at 18 and 21 and actually i look good compared to them bc everyone they know was like stoppppp#they dated for ike 4 months before getting engaged lmao#but some people who got married young are actually doing okay and normal and that makes me look bad lol#not necessarily always abt marriage tho#people younger than me with an actual career or grown up job make me feel this way also#anyway#every day im living a life indistinguishable from when i was a teenager and many people my age are already parents with mortgages and such#😐😐😐#anyway i spent my grown up job money on some flowers and now i have no job bc i let my mean supervisor bully me into quitting#i also spent grown up job money on an oven (successfully) and a car (unsuccessfully)#i am rlly just out here.... telletubby with a credit card fr#job just give you money and you can spend it on whatever you want (but watch out)#anyway car was a piece of garbage that couldn't pass inspection 😔#was so proud of myself paying cash for my first car but there's a reason it was that cheap lmao
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Whoopsie time
#vent tw#cw vent#I'm stupid to have dropped out of college#now I don't know what I'm doing and I can't do the very passion I set out to do#Animation was my dream and I ruined it for a guy who groomed me and ended up physically abusing me.#I didn't realize trying to animate and failing because I don't understand it no matter what I look up about it would result in a breakdown#Not to mention I'm regressing in my art skill right now.#My art is ASS right now no matter how hard I try to improve it#references... Practice... Doodles... Warmups you name it#nothing is going right and I have the urge to quit art altogether#I'm not going to and I can't bring myself to ever do that but It's aching inside me#I want my art to be good according to me. not others. People can say it's great but if I don't like it... I'm not going to settle for it#I shouldn't have left#I loved college#I loved SELU#I loved my life back then#And now I'm here. And I'm not happy anymore.#Even with writing. I even took a long break from writing and I still can't do it right according to myself.#Now I have no muse or motivation for any of it#I feel empty. And I can't go to therapy because I can't afford the balance on my account.#I just feel like I failed.#I feel like I failed my parents and myself. They always tell me theyre so proud of me but I don't understand how they can be.#Not when I ended up in two severely abusive relationships... Dropped out of college twice... And now work in a factory full time.#Yeah i make decent money in a place I enjoy but it all just feels empty.#I could've been more#i could've done better#[[out of ammo]];; ooc
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Don't know if I've gushed about this here yet but I will gush about again!!!
I love how loving the gods have 'tricked' me into loving parts of myself I have forsaken. I could never claim to be as cunning or witty as Lord Hermes or let alone as ferocious and driven as Lord Ares- BUT I still see traits of them in myself.
How can I take my silver tongue for granted if Lord Hermes so graciously gifted it to me?
How could I look down on what others deem to be 'bad emotions' if it's what helps Lord Ares win the war?
It's been a long journey and it's going to be a longer one still to love myself fully but I think I'm starting to truly love the journey and not just tolerate it for the sake of surviving.
#hermes deity#ares deity#ares worship#hermes worship#damn#love the feeling of falling in love with the people I care about over and over again#can you use the term 'people' for the gods?#I've been able to set boundaries and allow myself to be 'feral' more often#sometimes I feel like a little kid who managed to do something their parents taught em#“Oh man Lord Ares is gonna be so proud of me for feeling one (1) emotion today!”#AND HE IS#“Hehe I wonder if Lord Hermes will appreciate me tricking this asshole into giving money to the community”#AND HE DOES#I used to feel so much guilt and shame for this shit#it's feels nice to be loved wholly (and fucking scary)#blah blah blah imposter syndrome blah blah blah gods seeing the ugly parts of you and going meh#I CAN'T#helpol#hellenism
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honestleee this is so personal but this year was one of the hardest of my liiiiiiiiiiiife! first year post grad no real prospects despite feeling very driven during my undergrad and feeling like i was really motivated and Going Somewhere and i moved to a city where i don’t speak the language, my health issues skyrocketed which led me to deciding to take official time not working at all to pursue surgery/treatment etc in ANOTHER COUNTRY!!! in the new year, spent 9 months working a job i hateddd then was laid off, started talking to an estranged parent again…girl…wtfffff was in this YEAR!!!
#one day I’ll look back on this year and be proud of myself ! I hope I hope#i broke tf down today baddddd#I dropped a really pretty glass cup my parents got for me YESTERDAYYY!!!!!!#from a museum in the town where they live#and my dad was like yeah we were deciding between like 13 different designs and narrowed it down to 3 then decided on this one!!#and i was drying it the way I’ve dried all my normal glass cups lol#and have never once dropped them#aaaand it slipped out of my hand and shatttttered#i was so devastated it was my final final straw tbh lolll#i just felt so awful bc it meant a lot to me that they got smthn meaningful to me and it was so beautiful and i feel so lonely and isolated#in this city and it was part of them and part of ME and i broke it#but it’s ok loll i had a huge sob about it which was a v well adjusted and proportional emotional response 😀🙂↕️#and my partner was here and after i was like. well. as you mind have guessed that breakdown was not just about. a cup#and honestly i felt seen by him for the first time in a while. which maybe is the most personal thing I’ve said in this whole post#anywayyyyyyyyyy……………xoxo#ellie yodels
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(copy/pasting this last paragraph bc i literally hit the mobile image limit tumblr when i get you:)
also. i think chiaki wants in one day after seeing them. nagito is Immensly upset about this but keeps his composure . because now hajime is his knees and that's fine too.. i hink chiaki's trying to be careful to not dirty but hajimes like "u cant garden right if ure too scared of getting kinda dirty! god made dirt and dirt dont hurt ^o^" (this is also how he justifies eating slightly dirted from dropping food. i mean he is a farmboy i dont doubt he wouldnt od that.) LOLL toodles ^w^
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OKAY. so tumblr hates fun and glitched this ask out so i couldn’t answer it but i do not care i Will Answer It.
@spinecurlingmice (@ing you so u get the notif) i could kiss you on the mouth MWWWAH this is gorgeous and lines up so well with things i already have in mind for priest au. literally everything here fits into the canon i have in mind it’s perfect. i’ve been wanting to do more worldbuilding and such but i get really tired (lots of research…. lots and lots of googling) and you’ve done such an important thing for me by finding incredible plant symbolism. mwwah mwah mwah thank youuuu <333 obsessed with a lot of this but this post is long as hell already so it’s tags time
#ask#mice#priest au#i really really love how hajime being there gets nagito to put more effort into the church#through hajime’s sacrifice of his own self worth and determination he betters his community#GOD that’s such good metaphors. also keeping up appearances yumyum#obsessed with your plant choices. dahlias have so much fun symbolism it is SO clever to include them… aren’t they toxic too..#the kmda checking out hnta while he gardens… i actually think hnta would be kind of oblivious to this at first#he always feels like he’s being watched at church. like there’s eyes boring into him at all times#…he must finally be feeling the presence of God!#OH and the cash thing… ur so real#without sharing too much. when kmda inherited the church from his parents he also inherited a fair amount of. tithings.#he likes to keep the church humble so he doesn’t spend too much at first. just keeps the place clean and maintained and pretty#but not like. opulent. fanciest thing in there is the stained glass#but then hajime shows up. and all these little purchases start to appear— and; well; they better the church so it’s justified#hajime being proud of having His Watering Can like a dog boasting about its tags… so good#naming the lily ‘shelby.’ he’s so cute i love him#ALSO HNTA ESSENTIALLY WORKING TWO JOBS…. ‘i’m devoting myself to the lord this is good this is good’ (he is exhausted)#also ‘god made dirt and dirt don’t hurt’ that’s soooo cute. no u don’t understand how cute that is#ohhhhh my little farm boy…. :((( into torment realm you go hurry along now#i need to get some architecture sketches of the town down…. general city plan + some of the important buildings#that’ll be kinda fun to figure out actually
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re-learned a very important lesson about traveling with my parents today
#my diary#the lesson is don't fucking do it#my sister got her damn master's degree today and I didn't even get to hug her cuz my parents wanted to bail as soon as commencement ended#but they also wanted to leave early to *get there* so I didn't get to watch my sunday show#if I'd just driven myself I would've had time for both#I'm actually really mad and upset and hurt over it#I feel so bad for my sister she always gets fucked like this#I didn't even get to see her or say hi#and like. yeah I just saw her yesterday and will see her again next week#but it's the principle of the thing#I'm proud of her! she deserved better than us Irish Exiting the second the music stopped playing#I'm so mad!!!!!!!!!!#hi it's future kerri good news I bought my sister a cake and ice cream and dropped it off at her apartment#cuz I'm cool and awesome (and I did feel really bad)#I hope it helped#she seemed real happy about it :')#love her sm waugh
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My favorite part of being alive is that I've never felt welcome in any space except for that one year when I thought I was a non-binary bisexual asexual girl when I was 13 :)
#Before that I was a weird kid whose only source for human communication instructions was the shows on CN Nickelodeon and Disney XD/Channel#And even though I had friends I never felt loved enough#And AFTER that I realized I was more of a trans guy and that I don't trust women enough to know if I could be in love with one but that#maybe I like men but I can't know for sure because I have the bad habit of falling for any guy who pays attention to me for long enough#And I haven't felt included in queer spaces ever since I realized I wasn't any sort of girl because people in here seem to hate men a little#too much for me to feel safe being anything but a gnc emo girl#And not even getting started on being gay cause people on online spaces that I'm around often act like “girls and the gays!!” as if I'm#effeminate and flamboyant just for my sexuality when truly I'm heavily uncomfortable doing anything deemed as girly#vent post#And even the thought that I MIGHT be a straight trans guy makes me feel horrible cause so many queer people seem to hate straight people#Like hi did you forget that this place is supposed to make people feel safe and respected and proud of being themselves#Oooh and don't forget the autism! Cause I get why people complain about the diagnosis being only for cis white boys but like#I've literally never seen that. Ever. I'm not saying it doesn't happen I'm just saying that it's much harder for me to find any sort of#online diagnosis tool for someone who's not an adult or a parent or a cis woman than it is for me to find any for a girl#Like seriously man#And how I feel like I'm a horrible person for not having g empathy. DUDE I HAVE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO KNOW ABOUT#like chill I'm not automatically a murderer and rapist and toxic and manipulative just cause I can't put myself in someone else's shoes#I'm just a guy who hardly feels alive or human. Of course I'm not going to reel very much about a stranger when i feel like I'm not supposed#to be this person in this place in this body in this mind. I don't feel like I'm here I don't feel like this is me and I don't feel like I#can care about other people and I don't know why but I'd really appreciate it if I could get yk some support instead of feeling like I#deserve death#anyway i'm normal
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so today..this morning. my little brother took the wrong medication. he took his sleeping drugs at the top of the day and as such he was out COLD allllll day. genuinely like, all day he was asleep. meaning he was not gonna sleep tonight.
mum knows i stay up til like 3am normally anyway, so she was like can you be on babysitting duty you might have to be up all night. i was like sure.
we watched the karate kid 3 together, cause hes been hyperfixating on cobra kai recently (the karate kid sequel series), then i put on a couple cooking videos to make him hungry, then let him take his time to get the words out and tell me all about cobra kai while i was using the leftover pizza dough to make a pizza for us to share (i was also very hungry, and he didn't get any of my pizza at lunch cause he was asleep)
we talked about heaps of stuff and he wanted to talk about eminem so we showed our favourite eminem songs and then we ate the pizza. then i cleaned up and i unpacked and repacked and turned on the dishwasher. and i told him after i was done with the kitchen id get him some dessert, but by the time i was finished he was tired. so he went up to bed and i am the best big brother and im gonna make an incredible parent
#im really proud of myself#i normal struggle with him due to his disabilities like. our mannerisms and everything#are quite polar opposites#and that makes it hard for me to stay calm sometimes#but if im in control of the situation its ok#which is why im a great big brother when mum and dad arent around but its harder for me when they are#does that make any sense?#anyway. im really proud of myself i feel really good :33#i like being a good parent#sorry for posting such a long post lol ill post a pic of the pizza to make up for it
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vent under cut
lord this is sick on both sides. but the physical and psycological damage taken from my younger sister getting a really wonderful job opportunity and soon after my mother goes like "well, when are you getting a better job?" like damn bro im so sorry, you dont have to remind me every single time what i do is not enough, its not like im enjoying this, cant you just be less of an ass and celebrate the actual good news
#sorry i#i dont know i dont even know what to say im a jealous nasty and digusting piece of work i dont want to be myself either#i dont enjoy this a bit#am i super jealous and mad and do i feel like a massive waste of oxygen the fucked up prototype? people have to put up with because its the#first model but nobody really wants#like well yes am i conflicted because its amazing and im proud of her but my ego is taking too many blows#but then again you also know what if my parents are too busy complaining about my failures to celebrate i will#because she deserves her allnighter and her stress and her nights crying over programs crashing to be seen#i should get her a new mouse or a pretty keyboard#and some pompompurin socks#i wish i could get her something else but what#a new switch game? what does she want?
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Hm. I might need help actually.
#maybe bottling all these feelings in no matter what to make it seem like I'm okay was a bad idea.#maybe being afraid of failure and pushing myself to the limit to make others (read: parents) proud is a bad thing.#(like it's not even for myself it's like “I just want it over with this.”)#Maybe letting my parents dictate almost every aspect of my life and never speaking up about what I wanna do wasn't good#maybe crying over grades lower than a 70 isn't normal#maybe being a fulltime people pleaser isn't healthy#..... huh#like there have been many vents I would have posted but by the time I got to the end it's like. Who cares. It doesn't matter anyways.#and then it's back to shoving that under the rug for l̶a̶t̶e̶r̶ never.#.... goddammit.#I'm fine. just.#god. what have i been doing with my life.
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My car is finally going and is probably not safe to drive so I’m like emailing back and forth with a guy at a Toyota dealership bc I’m going to buy a new car within the month which is wild to me being an adult and having the help/resources to do that
#my gf is helping me with the down payment so I can put down most and have a monthly payment under $200#and in October I get a $10000 salary increase bc I’ll have completed classes to get across the salary guide#which is awesome I just never like envisioned myself in this position#it’s hard for me to ask for help bc I’ve done all of my adult life essentially on my own#so my gf putting down a large chunk of money to help me means a lot and is hard to accept#her parents are coming with us tm to test drive a Corolla and I really appreciate it#it’s just hard not to be weird about it ya know#anyway rip Karen my 2003 Corolla#pour one out for a real one#but yeah I am proud of myself that I’m able to do this#it’s just a weird feeling having actual grown up money#julianne speaks#personal
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...
#why am I such a disappointment#it’s like I do nothing right#I just told my dad that I applied for a part time tutoring position#I was proud of myself#been struggling to find a job#yet what does he do#goes off on me#about not getting a job this summer#says I really disappointed him#I’m trying to find a teaching job#this is my last summer before I’m full force in the work force#I just wanted to enjoy that freedom#don’t have much on my resume#but only cause my parents said a job could wait#as long as I’m in school#didn’t mention that rule#didn’t apply for graduate school#i’m trying#i’m really trying#but it’s hard to get motivated#i feel like I’m never enough#and can’t share the things I’m proud of#cause then he just goes off on me#and it makes me feel so worthless#so stupid#such a disappointment#nobody cares though#26 unemployed and uninsured#just needed to rant
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