#I feel 14 still quarantine messed up my concept of time

[justagirlluckyme]

So.. how r we feeling 07 girls </3

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom season 2, eps 1-5 thoughts! opening the new season with episodes like these kinda blew me away. we had multiple serious episodes INCLUDING a two parter!! also, valerie :)

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-I don't know what I expected s2 to open with. but danny portal incident in more detail was not it. (also, I hate to break it to you, sam, but danny's parent's bigass ghost hunting rv def chugs more gas than those vehicles, lmao. unless it runs on ectoplasm or something...)

-WHY WAS DESIREE IN THE SEWER? HAVING TEA WITH IT DOWN THERE?? Her making the giant cow come alive is a boss move, we've almost had all of my fav animals as ghosts now <3 I also don't like how sam was expecting danny to just, haunt the place so the cars wouldn't get sold? I KNOWWW I know she's 14 (and I had a very annoying phase like this, I think I mentioned in a previous post, I GET IT) but they're HIS powers, and messing with (1) dealership will not really put a dent in sales overall because they can just move the cars to another sales lot, and it certainly wont change the industry anyway, it's more of a minor annoyance for (1) location. Also, usually people who work at car sales places work on commission, so if they dont make a sale, they don't have money to pay bills, or eat. sam baby if u wanna be an activist you need to like, actually look into these things. with as much money as her parents have, she could be doing a lot..more useful things for causes she cares about? it's frustrating to see someone with resources who doesn't know how to use them. but shes 14 so again. cannot be really upset :/

-IS THIS A PREDATOR VS TERMINATOR VS FREDDY KRUEGER MOVIE BUT THEYRE ALL WOMEN?? you know, sam is so right to be excited about this. /I/ want to see this movie. that rules

-paulina inviting danny and friends to her quinceañera, aw! even if it is just to get phantom to show up :') and there'll be a meteor shower, and we KNOW danny wants to be an astronaut!! there's not a meteor shower every night!! the tickets are non-refundable, but..she's rich? like. gotta agree with danny, they never get invited!! I KNOW it's the principle of keeping promises, but if she was that upset, she should've said something. directly. I hated how she was like, passive aggressive about it through the episode, like you SAID IT WAS FINE, THAT YOU'D GO TO THE PARTY TOO. MOVIES SHOW FOR A FEW WEEKS IN THEATERS. IF YOU HAD A REAL PROBLEM YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. WE'VE HAD THIS PROBLEM BEFORE, SAM. YOUR FRIENDS. ARE NOT. MIND READERS.

-MR. LANCER GOING AFTER THE GHOST WITH THE FIRE EXTINGISHER LMAO

-this outfit is everything . anytime the show does an over the top cutesty pink outfit i WANT IT. it looks like shit I wear JKASDHF I HAVE a bow like that and a pink sweater. I need leg warmers </3

-SAMS GOTTA RE-HALF-KILL HIM??? thats fucked up. but also, he finally got his logo!! it took until s2!!! this episode was lowkey very fucked and I felt like it glossed over a lot. does sam have guilt about like. kinda KILLING HIM?? I know, he also agreed and walked into the portal. but. she made the choice to redo it SO quickly (even if it was because someone had to beat desiree) and danny, during their fight, brought up a lot of stuff sam's done in the past, meaning he was holding onto those memories and resentment was building. (I KEEP SAYING HE LOWKEY NEEDS THERAPY, BUT I THINK MOST EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW KINDA DOES) which...is a red flag? and then they didnt even GO to the party URGH I know she tried to make up for it, but it really felt like Sam fucked up and barely faced any consequences and got everything she wanted in the end. I KNOW it's a kids show obv they aren't going to go too in depth, and she undid the damage, kinda, but...I DUNNO how to articulate it but it rubbed me the wrong way.

-but on a note about desiree, her powers of wishes were STRONG ENOUGH TO ERASE NOT JUST THEIR MEMORIES, BUT DANNY'S POWERS?! fuck, if I was danny I'd be like, trying to make friends with her. I know they always have horrible side effects as most genie-granted wishes do, but...c'mon, I'd at least TRY to be like 'I wish no ghosts would hurt anyone in my town' or 'I wish vlad would lose his ghost powers forever no matter What and also forget about my mom' LIKE. SHIT DESIREE IS SO POWERFUL. rewriting reality powerful, basically!! appreciate her. respect her.

-aww, sam helping tucker pass the nurse's office so he wouldn't see because he's afraid of medical stuff? very sweet. I also don't like medical stuff, I've gotten a lot better at handling it tho. but seeing blood and needles still makes me feel lightheaded x_x

-FOLEY, BY TUCKER FOLEY. I want to make my own perfume, that's so cool. even if his first attempt isn't good, he's pretty consistently shown to have an inventor/entrepreneur streak in the show, so like. I can see him inventing or making something (or several somethings) that make him $$$ when he grows up :) proud of my creative son

-I know the 'creepy abandoned hospital on the edge of town' is a joke and the creepy hospital trope is so Worn Out, but in my town we actually DO have a hospital like that! my dad was born in it, but its not in use and hasn't been for, like, 20 years! it needs to be torn down but I think the city doesn't wanna pay the money. the inside is horrible, spray painted and broken glass and shit everywhere. but there's still like, rusty equipment and fucking DOLLS all over the place. the cops drive by it pretty frequently to make sure no one is like, breaking in. (because of water damage, some of the areas really aren't safe. also, asbestos, but people still go in anyway) but also, some of my town was used in a filming for a stephen king show. So it's lowkey spooky all over. just a fun personal tidbit :) to lead into saying, any hospital abandoned for any period of time is NOT safe to quarantine these kids in JKSAHDKF like I KNOW it's a ghost trying to do this, but NONE of these parents are even like, 'well, why dont we keep them in the regular, working hospital'....YIKES. this hospital looks pretty accurate to the one in town. grungy and spooky.

-fentons are tax evaders confirmed by jack's fear of being audited, lol no one is surprised

-ghost sickness via ghost bugs. horrifying concept. I actually expected it to be a new villain, not dr. spectra again! this is a very elaborate scheme. her new form rules, love the new costume. the way none of the bg kids seem to recognize her as their old school councilor. did we just forget about that completely?

-dash watching romance movies in the fucked up ghost hospital. same.

-'oh please, you're ghosts, do you have any idea what YOU smell like?' no, tucker, what DO ghosts smell like? I genuinely didn't know they would even have a smell, I actually want to know now.

-it feels like a while since we've seen jazz!! i was happy to see her again, even if she was a head in a jar for most the episode. I want another jazz-focused ep!!

-we finally see danny doing space-related stuff!! him and his friends stargazing to open ep 3 of s2. cute :) until, GHOST PIRATES!!!!! ...ghost pirate captain is a small child?? VOICED BY TAYLOR LAUTNER???

-oh, the easy listening is ember's song instrumental slowed. 'vapor drone' THEY VAPORWAVED HER!!! ember in a pirate outfit tho >>>>. and the cruise being called m.bersback JKASDHJK. ember adopting a little pirate brother is also pretty cute. concerning this teen and little kid have such bad opinions of adults, like, who hurt you?? (how did you DIE ALSO?? im always lowkey curious about that. we know desiree died at an old age, but her ghost form is young, probably mid-20s, so I wonder how that sort of thing works...its a more mental thing, isn't it?) but ghost team-ups are always cool to see, even if ember bailed after danny took her guitar. I guess she probably thinks youngblood can handle it (which, he's been owning danny this far in the ep, so...fair)

-tucker got that sponsorship from nasty burger for their radio!!! again, opportunistic money maker king, love to see it!!!

-danny taking control of the kids SO FAST. he makes a pretty great leader. no one is surprised, im pretty sure I said I think he's the most mature of the trio, once again, correct, because he's taken on so much responsibility already. all the teens suiting up in the jumpsuits to go save the adults and taking the ship over with a BLIMP. OKAY LETS GO. this feels like it should be a mid finale or straight up finale.

-...speaking of finales. why is ep 4-5 of s2 combined into a 50 minute episode? I havent even clicked play and im concerned. weird placement, like, this season JUST started and we're getting a two parter? okay...why are the episodes placed like this? why not put this at episode 10 or something, for a mid-season thing?

-this is also a cute dress. possibly my fav dress so far. can her parents give ME cute dresses, I'LL wear them.

-it turns out the castle fright knight was in is called pariah's keep and there's something worse than fright knight in there! lovely! fuck off vlad wtf are you doing <3 your hubris <3 is going to literally get you killed <3 'ring of rage' and 'crown of fire' are great names tho. ...vlad turning into a super polite guy when he was scared of mr. pariah was hilarious. and fright knight doing the same...I mean, it makes sense, he's a knight, he serves a king? happy to see fright knight again either way :) vlad telling him to call him tho, lmfao. you WISH HE WOULD. (I wish hed call me, too. 😔)

-so...jack being genuinely concerned about vlad...maddie really didn't tell him what happened at the cabin, did she. damn. if I was her id immediately come home and be like 'YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS SHITTTT THIS CREEPY GUY--' like, I feel like that stuff you need to tell your partner!!! I know she didnt want Jack to think she was an irresponsible parent putting danny in danger at that time, but STILLLL. maddie spilling boiling tea on him. get his ass. how is jack this oblivious to his wife's discomfort with vlad!! ughhh

-fenton wipe (tm). trademarked toilet paper.

-DANNY AND VALERIE BEING FRIENDS??? :D that was a cute moment. 'hey val <3' and 'if you like him like him, make a move, or someone else will ;)' at sam...damn!! I love her. valerie go for it girl!!! I hate how sam and tucker treat val also, like I GET IT YOURE PROTECTIVE AND DONT TRUST but if anything him befriending valerie will help when she finds out or he tells her like I feel like she'll be more understanding that they think! ALSO I feel like her reason for not liking ghosts is valid, like you haven't really explained the full story to her anyway! she doesn't seem to have any other friends after being booted from the a-listers so im like :( but seeing them kick butt together again was nice <3

-the ghosts all RUNNING FROM PARIAH DARK IS NOT GOOD, I thought he sent them to attack or something, but no. why doesn't someone just tell desiree 'hey i wish pariah dark would die' lol. once again I think she can solve every problem <3 but seeing all the enemies in one place, being civil and hiding together? love it.

-you just know danny's gonna have to clean up vlad's stupid mess. also, jack being willing to put on the ectoskeleton pants to help maddie, as soon as vlad heard it could kill him, he suggested jack do it instead of helping maddie himself? this is why jack got the girl, my man.

-ghost skeletons. how do you end up as a skeleton ghost in your afterlife instead of a humanoid like most the ones we've seen? lmao

-the ghosts just making new homes in various stores. I'd totally be setting up in an expensive clothing store if I was a ghost.

-valerie's dad is possibly the most useful adult so far, with that ghost shield expansion!!! and valerie saving vlad and danny, even tho shes been thru it already, shes still so good!!! this family rules.

-danny: *gently caresses valerie* :)

-*then he immediately TELLS HER DAD ON HER. and his first response is 'are you okay?' :'( such a good dad...

-*me every time fright knight breathes* youre doing SO great sweetie :)

-the fenton suit thing is so silly looking. does anyone take this thing seriously

-ALL THE GHOSTS FIGHTING WITH DANNY <3 AAAAA. and the fact that pariah isn't perma-defeated, but just locked away again. yikes. he'll probably get out again, won't he? it wasn't too clear, but if vlad DID make a pact with fright knight, I am rabid. I will beat vlad to death with the fenton bat (tm). YOU DONT DESERVE A COOL KNIGHT.

-valerie being direct with sam and challenging her? kinda love that, even tho I normally don't like 'catfight' type situations. because sam has been very passive aggressive about it which is annoying. valerie knows wtf she wants and wasn't even embarrassed to tell sam, but she did tell her, giving sam time to make her own move! and sam denied it and got embarrassed/mad! and sam did have a chance when danny was about to go off and fight, and she hesitated and didn't tell him. I feel like she's hesitating because they're friends and it might make it weird between the trio (poor tucker would be third-wheeling) but if u snooze u lose, u gotta GO after what u WANT girl. smh this is a No Tsundere Zone. 😤

[chironshorseass]

ANNUAL WRITING SELF-EVALUATION

thanks melissa @estrangedlestrange for tagging me! ok *cracks knuckles* i guess we’re doing this

1. number of stories posted to ao3:

23……someone fucking restrain me pls

2. word count posted for the year:

165,511

i’m crying what is this😭😭😭😭😭😭

3. fandoms i wrote for:

pjo

4. pairings:

percy/annabeth

clarisse/silena

annabeth/reyna

poseidon/sally. (these are the main ones, i think)

5. story with the most…

kudos: Just Add Water

bookmarks: Just Add Water

comments: also Just Add Water el oh el

6. work i’m most proud of (and why):

it’s a tie between it feels so scary, getting old and the vine hanging over the door (both of them with titles taken by a lorde song💀) because i feel like i was so at peace with myself when i wrote them, and when i’m at peace with myself i just write like fjakdjasjsjsjsisnsk that bc i can’t stop and pure gold comes out <3 it’s a mix of nostalgia and pride of what i created. also they both have very specific aesthetics and Existential Themes that scream mari bc ofc they r my babies xxx

7. work i’m least proud of and why:

through the ruse i just feel like it’s a bit of a mess and i didn’t plan it properly nor did i make it interesting enough for me to keep going🤨 i really like the concept, though esp since during that time i kind of really wanted a bridgerton au. but like, i honestly don’t think i’m NOT proud of anything i’ve written (idk maybe) but that doesn’t mean i won’t cringe once in a while when i reread something i wrote lmaooo

8. share or describe a favorite review received:

there are plenty i’ve kept close to my heart but taylor miss @posallys gives the best reviews, and i’m still recovering from the one i got in the vine hanging over the door 😭😭😭 and this other one she wrote for the seaweed is always greener that had me dying eye-

also bonjobiggles idk if u have a tumblr but all ur comments are so sweet and gave me motivation to write more<3 like EXCUSE ME someone rereading my fic is just😭 also ash @skaterannabeth had me screaming crying after she left a comment on it feels so scary, getting old lov u <33 and how can i forget @jeanjacket-lesbian every time u comment my heart kinda goes like💗💗 one that had me sobbing tho was from an anon (for it feels so scary, getting old) bc wth how DARE u say such things and think it will be ok😭

9. time when writing was really, really hard:

i’d say most of the time but y’all will think i’m such a clown bc i literally have THIRTY works on ao3 and that is very much illegal but I SWEAR!!!! it’s so fuckin hard to write, like i feel like i can never finish things and my motivation comes and goes, and so does life so🤠🥲🥲

11. a favorite excerpt from your writing:

Their laughter carries on like music as the wind dances around its melody, drifting it up, up into the starry sky. (from it feels so scary, getting old haha typical😗)

tho i feel like anything from magnificently cursed bc i say so: But it was more than just the horror that connected them. In the vibrancy of Olympus, it felt like they were creating the beautiful moments, too. They’d become a luster that outshined the rust in their thread of life.

12. how did you grow as a writer this year:

dude i’ve improved so much it’s crazy. in 2020 when quarantine started and i also started writing fic it was like. my first time in a looong time of writing something in english and i had to search up so many words and shit but now…..it all comes like the tears of jesus istg lmaooo. i also feel like this year i really honed in my writing style, because in 2020 it was all over the place i’m sure, and now i can truly say that i have a specific way of writing (correct me if i’m wrong bc maybe it’s just me since m i’m a clown)

13. how do you hope to grow next year:

i’m copying annie bc i need to finish all my wips so i never write fic again i am BEGGING

14. who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

clown car (my frens) bc coincidentally they are all amazing writers and i love them very much. syd @annabethsinvibilitycap tho u make me especially evil and give me the silly little motivation to go unhinged in my writing 😛 as for other motivations, i think reading other works, fanfic or books and hmmm when folklore and evermore came out it was over for me so 💃�� also when i started listening to mitski

15. anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

when sally kinda contemplates life as she watches the trash fly around during august (the vine hanging over the door.) yeah that was hashtag me too😔✌️ but yeah if u mean existential dread and all that good stuff it’s taken from my real life <3 and mostly the beginning of purple pink skies was 100% taken from my life haha….

16. any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

read lots of books lol i swear every time i do writing is so much easier bc im reminded of how words are supposed to um. work. and never write something you find slightly boring. just create the weirdest plot line or whatever, as long as it’s interesting to YOU and it’s fun to write for YOU and no one else.

17. any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) this year:

finishing any of my (existent) chapter fics bc i need them to stop haunting me in my sleep😭

18. tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read. (totally not required to do this y’all I always hate when things say you gotta do it):

@posallys @annabethsinvibilitycap @skaterannabeth and anyone who hasn’t done this feel free<33

[caffiine]

A BRIEF PAUSE

From my regularly scheduled content. I’ve got some shit to say, y’all (forewarning for spicy language and spoilers)

I thought about making this post on my fandom subblog but this show and this relationship have been TOO important to me for the past 8 years to not give it its proper place in my life. strap in bc im not sure how long this mf is about to be.

When i started this DUMB show at age 19 tortured soul “empath” dark academia me thought sam winchester was going to be my favourite character. and don’t @ me, i love sam now in his own right (and we deserve some SAILEEN PEOPLE). but after literally less than 5 episodes i KNEW dean’s character and his arc were going to be amazing and beautiful and he immediately became my favourite brother. The nuances of his character i.e. his shell vs his true self were so evident to me even in the first couple seasons. in my humble opinion, he had the most growth of the two brothers.

They all deserve to be happy, but for whatever FUCKING reason dean has the HARDEST TIME OF ANYONE being happy in this show. I know it’s his character. I know it was written that way. But FFS.  I kept wondering when they were going to wrap up his emotional arc and stop torturing the poor dude.

then in season 4 they introduced castiel and 1) I thought the new concept of angels as assholes was super cool and 2) I hardcore SIMPED over misha collins (still do). I watched benignly as cas and dean began to form this relationship that seemed pretty special. I started watching the show when it was in its eighth season and I binged the shit out of it for two weeks until I was caught up. By the time I was caught up I was CERTAIN there were some feelings between them and I LOVED it. I am bisexual and I was ECSTATIC for a potential queer relationship between two masculine-portrayed dudes. I went on tumblr to express my newfound theory, only to find out that this was a real THING. “Destiel” was already an idea that had absolutely and intensely BLOSSOMED in the fandom  for several seasons already. So many others saw what I saw and saw the potential of emotionally tortured/constipated “daddy’s blunt instrument” dean and the unfeeling daddy’s boy cas “crack in his chassis” Winchester being allowed to be happy together. I felt validated and hopeful. For a while.

Then it was season after season of hopefulness for them to be finally happy with each other while still fighting the ills of their world with sam and the other new members of their family that were added along the way, only to constantly have that hope seemingly teased away at the end every single time. By season 11 and the introduction of amara (not bashing, eventually loved her character and her development too) I gave up. I lost hope. I stopped watching the show. I didn’t want to keep watching my two favourite characters continuously abused by the story they were thrown into.

I know not everyone likes destiel, not everyone thought it was real. That’s chill, idc. Stories are so often meant to be (and sometimes inadvertently) left up to interpretation by the person experiencing and consuming them. It’s what’s so amazing about books and shows and movies that are able to make us feel so intensely about them and their characters. And I felt SO strongly about dean and cas. It was honestly really upsetting to me, the way the show was going with their relationship.

A while later season 13 had been going on and I started seeing some things pop up on my dash. Hopeful things. I did a bit of research and accidentally saw THE SCENE from season 12 and I couldn’t help myself. I restarted it. I watched the whole thing from the beginning again AND introduced it to my boyfriend I think partially as a way to ensure I wasn’t imagining shit (it took him awhile and a lot of me internally screaming during many scenes but by season 9 he was like “uh are they in gay love”). Fast forward to me finally catching up as season 14 was starting. I was still hopeful, somehow. And it happened AGAIN. Season 14 and the beginnings of 15 made me so sad. I HATED what they did with their relationship. I HATED the way it ended. I HATED the way dean treated cas and everyone around him. It felt like the show was taking his whole character arc back to day 1. I didn’t understand. I kept watching for a couple episodes after the big argument and cas left but the luster was gone and eventually I just stopped.

I love this show. It has meant so much to me as a story. So many of the characters are/were very dear to me. I know it’s a running joke with this show about character deaths and homophobia but the strength of the bond I felt was between cas and dean gave me a lot of hope. But it wasn’t enough. I felt betrayed one too many times. And for those of you who kept watching, for whatever reason, I don’t hold it against you. It’s still a beautiful and interesting story without cas and dean’s relationship. But I just personally couldn’t do it anymore.

I hadn’t planned on watching the rest of season 15 when it came back after pandemic hiatus, at least not for awhile. So imagine my FUCKING surprise when I was doom scrolling through twitter during election week on Thursday and I see supernatural trending right along with election shit.

What.

I couldn’t stop myself, I looked and literally SCREAMED and made my boyfriend spill his wine all over our couch. I didn’t know exactly what happened as I hadn’t seen the episode but APPARENTLY all my emotions and feelings had been at least partially vindicated. So I BOUGHT season 15 so I could finish watching where I had left off. I watched 8 episodes in less than 24hrs (don’t judge me there’s a quarantine) and I LIKED them. And it might’ve been bc I knew what was about to happen in 15 x18 but I really felt like the show was getting STRONGER as it neared its finish.

I was so excited for 15x19. I read so many posts from fellow fans, destiel and antis alike. There really weren’t a lot of bad emotions running around. Everyone seemed hopeful and excited like me.

I probably don’t need to go over 15x19 emotions but im going to anyway. I was disappointed. I was confused. I was angry. we are in season 15. The last season ever for this show that has had a HUGE following of fans who have loved it, sometimes unconditionally, sometimes even though it wasn’t the best (and sometimes less than good). A season and show that had just announced YES. CAS LOVES DEAN. ITS REAL. And I shouldn’t have to go over the nuances of why we would expect more after this, with two episodes to go before the show is done forever.

But I will bc im mad af.

Like I said in the beginning. Dean’s character arc has been incredible. His emotional growth – as subtle as it might’ve seemed – has been amazing. And dean has always been an emotional, loving person. he just felt like he wasn’t because the world made him feel that way. And that’s sad, y’all. Dean deserves to realize he DESERVES happiness. And in 15x18, we were finally heading basically directly there. With destiel, yes, but even if you’re anti, what cas said to dean about who he is and why he loves him obviously struck a fucking chord with dean. It obviously changed the way he viewed himself (RE: “that’s not who I am, that’s not who we are”).

But for WHATEVER reason that’s ALL we got in 15x19. One fucking SENTENCE about dean realizing maybe he’s not just built to kill people. And then jack leaves without a single mention of Eileen or cas or Charlie or literally anyone they ever cared about and dean rode off into the sunset alone with his brother while we watched a fucking FIVE MINUTE MONTAGE that made me want to hurl my own body into the sun they were driving toward. And cas is STILL DEAD.

BUT THERE’S STILL ONE EPISODE LEFT AND FUCK ME IF I HAVENT BEEN PAINTING ON MY CLOWN MAKEUP ALL WEEK. SO WHAT DO I WANT????

ONE: DEAN DESERVES HAPPINESS. REAL HAPPINESS. What the FUCK supernatural??? Wasn’t this the whole point of his arc??? And don’t get me wrong I REALLY want that happiness to come from Cas and a real spoken relationship of some sort between them bc it also ties in with my second point but tbh just PLEASE let dean be happy. Dean is a loving person and does everything for love as we JUST FOUND OUT. Dean would NOT be happy with everyone he’s ever loved gone for the rest of his life. I just don’t believe that’s fucking true. h elp him pls.

TWO: CAS DESERVES HAPPINESS. I know we got this whole speech about “happiness isn’t in the having it’s simply in being”  but like. Really. Castiel was supposed to be a throwaway character no one was supposed to care about. But we all cared SO MUCH that he lasted 11 SEASONS longer than intended and became a main character and an integral part of the story. Cas has arguably sacrificed more than anyone on this show. His last act was to sacrifice his life to save the man he loved. He knew where he was going. He knew he was finally going to be able to tell dean he loved him and then immediately be taken by the empty where we know now thanks to season 15 that everyone in there just gets to dream forever about their regrets and sadness. HOW IS THAT FAIR. HOW IS THAT A GOOD ENDING FOR CAS. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE – CHARACTERS AND FANS ALIKE –TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. Its messed up, supernatural. Y’all KNOW it is and I hope to HIGH HEAVENS this is going to be corrected in 15x20.

THREE: give sam Eileen back. 

Well that’s all I’ve got in me, folks. I’m absolutely and intensely dreading Thursday. Im scared and nervous and obviously still angry that this is absolutely going to be the opposite of what they promised – another “game of thrones” ending. Some of y’all are giving me hope with your posts about maybe they’re trying to keep the ending a surprise and maybe cas is coming back and how can they not and why else would they have done the second to last episode like that and I hope yall are right.

Either way, im glad I am not alone with my feelings. Thanks yall for the experience of this fandom and show. Let’s stick together on Thursday, no matter our differences.

 PS stop calling jensen ackles a homophobe or ill hex you. 

[lovemesomesurveys]

1) What are some positive things, realizations or habits that came out of quarantine for you? Things haven’t changed much for me because I’ve been a hermit crab anyway the past few years, spending majority of my time at home anyway. I do miss my few outings I did have, though, like trips to the grocery store and to the movies. I’ve only had to go to a doctor appointment, in person, twice since all this started, when before I had two appointments every month, so that has been nice. Not having those in-person, twice a month appointments has been something positive for me I suppose. However, should go see one of those doctors at some point. I’ll have to see how the rest of this year goes in terms of how my city’s case numbers go. My state has been a hotspot. :/

2) How do you feel about people who are "workaholics"? Would you consider yourself one? How do you personally maintain a work-life balance? If you aren't working, what personal activity or task takes up most of your time? I’m definitely not one. :X I admire people who are driven, ambitious, and hardworking, I wish I had that. However, it’s important to take some time for yourself, too, and allow yourself rest, so I hope “workaholics” keep that in mind. Don’t work yourself to death. Your body will often force you to rest somehow at some point if you overwork it, so do allow yourself rest. It’s not a bad thing. Anyway, the activities that take up my time consist of checking my social medias off and on throughout the day, watching YouTube, playing Animal Crossing, spending time with my family, watching TV, scrolling through Tumblr, doing surveys, and listening to ASMR. I’m sooo busy, guys. ha.

3) How financially responsible would you say you are? What could you spend less money on? I’ve been pretty good this year with my spending, actually. I was getting a bit carried away for a bit there with online shopping and using my credit cards too much. I also used to spend a lot of money on food and Starbucks. This year I haven’t really been doing any of that. 

4) How would you describe yourself as a friend? What value would you say you bring to your friends? Okay big ramble coming... I was an awful friend a few years ago. I became very distant and withdrawn from everyone outside of my immediate family and basically just fell off the grid. My former friends tried reaching out numerous times. A few years ago began my downward spiral into  this hole I’ve been in and I just haven’t been in a good place. I’ve been dealing with physical health stuff, but it’s the mental (depression and anxiety) that has really taken a toll. I pushed everyone away because of it. I didn’t have the energy and my messed up mind told me it was better to push everyone away, they don’t need me in their lives. They didn’t deserve to be ghosted and I feel absolutely horrible for doing that. None of what I was going through or feeling justifies what I did. Needless to say, I’m a shitty friend. I wasn’t like that before, I was always the loyal friend who was there for my friends. I was the friend people felt they could always come to talk to and get advice from. I’ve become someone these past few years that I don’t recognize, that I don’t want to be, and that I absolutely hate.

5) In psychology they say that our romantic relationships are an extension of our relationships with our parents, and that we tend to choose our partners based on whatever was lacking in our childhood, or that we are attracted to traumas and sufferings that are familiar to us rather than the unknown. Can you relate to this? I was very fortunate and blessed to be raised by amazing parents who have always been very loving and supportive. They’ve always been there for me and have and continue to do so much for me. I can’t and don’t blame them for my issues. It wasn’t because of anything they did or that I lacked in childhood. I’m not sure about the being attracted to traumas and sufferings that are familiar to us part. I mean, sure, we’re likely to form a bond or connection to someone we can relate to or someone we feel understands us. I’m not sure if that’s what you mean by that part, though. 

6) Is there a specific type of survey you miss taking? How or where do you find new surveys to take these days? I like taking surveys like this, the kind with random and interesting questions that allow me to elaborate and ramble/vent when I need to. Surveys with more than just the simple, basic questions. I get my surveys from a few fellow survey takers on here for the most part, but sometimes I have to go hunt on LiveJournal. Thankfully, ya’ll find a lot of the surveys so I don’t have to hunt too often haha.

7) Do you still care about tags on surveys? When you see surveys that you know don't credit the maker nowadays, how do you feel? If there’s a tag on it from the creator then of course I’ll leave it on. However, there rarely ever is and that’s either because the creator didn’t put one or it was erased long ago. A lot of these surveys are like a decade or so old and are from different platforms like Xanga, LiveJournal, and Bzoink, so there’s no way to know who the creator was. They’ve been circulated so many times. 

8) Is there anyone in your life who knows about your survey-taking habits? How would / do you explain the concept of our community to someone, if you ever have to? I like to keep my surveys to myself. Obviously, I put them out there for ya’ll to see, but I don’t want to share them with anyone in my personal life. These are like my diary. It’s a place for me to vent and ramble about whatever. Anyway, if I were to explain the survey community I’d probably just say what I said about them being like my diary and a way for me to vent and ramble. A way to express myself.

9) What happened the last time you had a disagreement or falling out with a friend? Or the last time you had to apologize to someone? I already explained a big fallout I had with my friends.

10) Can you tell when you are not well-liked? What do you do when you feel someone is not particularly fond of you? Can you remember the last time you were in that situation? I mean, I just feel like I’m not well liked anyway or like I’m not anything special. 

11) How would you say your preference in movies or TV shows changed from when you were a teenager vs. now? Well, I still watch some of the stuff I watched back then and stuff like it.

12) Apart from price and location, what are some deciding factors when choosing a house for you? What is something you love the most in your current home, and what would you change if you could? My family and I are just looking for a house 4 adults and a doggo can live comfortably. Hardwood floor would be nice. I’d love to have a big backyard for my doggo and a nice patio deck where I could just chill if I wanted. I appreciate that I have a home at all, it’s just that we’ve outgrown this 2-bedroom a long time ago and have accumulated a lot of stuff. If we had a little bigger space, nothing crazy, it would be perfect.

13) Do you know any "influencers" in real life? How much are you actually likely to follow an influencer's advice or recommendations? I’m not one to just try something solely because someone else said to. It has to be something I’m actually interested in and want to try. I appreciate the recommendations and advice, though. It’s cool hearing about something I’m not familiar with and may have never heard of otherwise. 

14) What emotion is the hardest for you to express? Can you think of a time when you felt force or successfully expressed this emotion? I have a hard time expressing myself and my feelings in general. It’s easier for me to do that in writing or like in a survey.

15) How do you feel about job interviews? Are you good at negotiation? Was there a time when you felt you didn't do so well during the interview, but still got the job? I’ve never had one, but I know I’d be an anxious, nervous wreck. Like I said, I’m not good at expressing myself or talking about myself despite how it may seem in these surveys. I don’t like the focus and attention on me at all. I’m also not good with being put on the spot. I don’t have that quick wit some people have. And then there’s having to “sell yourself” so to speak and hype yourself up to sound good for the job and I’m not good at that either. 

[rvkswitzerland]

September 21, 2020

From Ryan:

I kind of can’t believe it had been over 2 weeks since our last update! That in and of itself should be a clear indication of how busy we are. I’m currently sitting in the library. Who would have thought that all the years I worked at Steen Library in college would actually benefit me in a real way later in life. This place is beautiful and a bit of a mess. Everything is manual for both the English and German portions of the library. The German side has one of the old slide-out card catalogues, the English side has a 20-year old Paradox database that is case-sensitive and is basically useless. Oh and we don’t lock the doors and there’s no anti-theft system so things just disappear apparently. I have my work cut out for me, but I’ll be able to apply some of my banking knowledge, past library knowledge, and all of my common sense. The upside is that it is one of the most beautiful buildings I’ve ever been inside. Here’s a quick video I made of my new office before I catch you up on all the other stuff:

So yeah... pretty excellent office and that barely does it justice. The sad part is there aren’t a lot of people coming through here, especially in the afternoons. Anyway, on to what we’ve been doing the last 2 weeks. The 10-day quarantine was a bit hard at times. We have a young family and our oldest isn’t much of a leader, he prefers to stick to himself. So we had to navigate the kids being bored, rowdy, and totally confused over schedules, rules, and procedures. Our house consists of our family, Osthaus Oben (East House Up,) and another family on the floor below us called Osthaus Unten (down). We tried to combine meals and some activities with the other family but the personalities of the family heads below us are very different from ours it seems. They have an 8 month old and very much prefer to keep to themselves instead of co-mingling with kids in times where it’s not explicitly required. We basically open our apartment to the kids at certain times and we all spent a lot of time there together during quarantine. Vicki can probably go into more detail sometime about her own struggles, but for me I found it mostly okay. Here is a quick list of all the things that we had to deal with while we were in quarantine: 2 physical altercations involving one of our kids, the entire house (literally) getting a nasty little cold, a Covid test for someone we all had contact with that came back negative within a day, self-harm, homesickness, too much food, not enough food, boredom, rain, bad table manners, poor hygiene, arguments over when they can have their cellphones, a kid sneaking into our apartment to steal his phone in the middle of the night, several late-night visits to our apartment to make tea even when they were told not to, vomiting, no sense of privacy, and a bunch of other stuff I probably can’t remember. It was quite the introduction to being a house parent. I handled it fine, Vicki had a pretty rough go of it - especially because of the lack of sleep. The kids were a bit wild from the newness of it all, but they are also smart, funny, and thoughtful. We made a lot of connections over music and video games during those 10 days and the kids formed a nucleus within our family that I think will give them confidence and a sense of safety throughout the term.

The task of “parenting” 6 kids is not easy, especially when a few of them know the norms, rules, and rituals of the school better than you do. Until the weekend before last we didn’t have any time off for 2 entire weeks. It was constant stuff 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. We had NO time to ourselves except to sleep - and even that was interrupted. Even when we finally got a day off and our third family head was doing all the “parenting” for us, you still know there are 6 kids outside your apartment door that would could come in with their hair on fire or needing to have a deep talk at any moment - and I don’t think either of us could say no. The hard part about this place seems to be finding the “off” switch. That will be the thing we have to figure out. Taking time to ourselves is going to be hard, but that’s the case for nearly everyone in some regard. We are in a bit of a routine now that we’ve had a week of normal classes. We’re now just dealing with the normal kind of parenting - you need to be on time, take your hat off at the table, don’t be rude, etc..

We finished our 10-day quarantine after dinner on Sept 9 and the entire school met on the Platz, the central part of campus right in front of the Esssaal. (Yes, that is spelled correctly.) That is where we have our meals now that we are out of quarantine. We had a folk dancing evening and everyone participated, even me. It was the first time since we went to the symphony on New Year’s Eve with Brandon and Gretchen that I had been in a crowd of people who were together in close proximity without the fear of Covid looming over us - since we all just quarantined strictly for 10 days and it was nearly impossible for any of us to be sick. As we skipped hand-in-hand across the Platz with our students and fellow Mitarbeitern, I was elated to steal a normal moment in the middle of the pandemic. There was a bit of guilt also, knowing that many people would not get to experience something guiltless like that until this is all far behind us. There was a sense of unbridled freedom, like the relief I felt as a kid when school was out and I could run wild and do exactly what I enjoyed most.

Now, I don’t want to give the impression that Covid does not influence everything we do here. It does. Chairs are spread out, discussions are had about where to have gatherings, windows are open for airflow, masks are mandatory when anyone may be ill, and meals are in shifts to minimize contact. We are wary of outsiders and of unnecessary close contact within our own community. Every aspect of the school takes Covid into account. We are holding out hope we can finish a full term under normal circumstances. The pandemic very much still exists for us. We know the risks and fear the consequences on our little microcosm. But for the most part life feels normal.

Despite the ebb and flow of emotions, I’ve started to find deep appreciation for this new chapter in my life. I’m certainly gaining appreciation for all parents, especially mine. I love not being burdened by a mortgage or a car payment or the expectation to make money and “be successful” in the American sense, which compelled me to stay in a career that was far from my own aspirations. The strange thing about the Ecole is that we are all encouraged, students and Mitarbeitern alike, to do the things that we care about most and to carve a unique path. The concepts and practices of this school are rooted in basic humanistic concepts that, to me anyway, feel natural. Everyone who works here is deeply committed to our students, this community, and the values from which it was founded. It’s all a far cry from the stress and meaningless toil I felt working in business. Since we left quarantine a few weeks ago it’s felt a bit like those first few days of the summers of my youth again. I can’t quite shake the feel that I am, once again, unbridled.

[amygeeunit]

The Quarantine Chronicles: These Last Five Years & What I Thought I Wanted

There’s nothing like being alone in your own thoughts at 1:00am in the midst of a global pandemic... Instead of aimlessly scrolling through my Instagram timeline or checking my bank account with all the money I have saved from not going out, I’ve had time to think about what the 28 year old, almost 29 year old Amy needs versus wants...

I think in high school or at some point in our lives we have all fallen victim to “By the time I’m age this, I want to have x, y and z.” At 16, I thought at 25 I would have my life 85% figured out. Pretty funny concept now that you think about it, right? I actually laugh at how naive or how troublesome it is to have these unrealistic goals and tag an age onto them... I pictured myself living in a nice apartment, potentially dating someone, or if not just focusing on my career. Fast forward to 2020, besides this year being a complete clusterf*ck, I’ve had extra time to sit down and think of these last five years in a nutshell.

All I remember from 2015 was going to Vegas, still working in retail, having foot surgery and getting into CSUF. The rest is foggy because it’s been five years. Huh? I thought 2015 was last year...

2016 seemed to be one of my better years. I started at CSUF, went to Iceland, interned at Rastaclat, ended up getting a job at Rastaclat, entered into my first serious relationship, moved back out to Orange County and felt like at 24 - 25 I was killing the game (or so I thought.)

2017 wasn’t too bad. I graduated from CSUF in the spring, went to Oahu, continued on in my relationship and spent a majority of my time focusing on my career.

2018 is when life started to get real interesting. My pup, Ben G, passed away while I was out in Illinois visiting my cousin (long story to save for another post,) I started a new job at Pretty Great LLC, traveled to escape 99% of the time, started taking birth control that made me bloated, emotional and feel weird and moved back to Moreno Valley. During this time, my relationship started to crumble due to lack of communication, the wave of grief I was experiencing and everything in else in between that couples go through. I started going to therapy in July and in August, I had my first panic attack. In September, I decided I needed to get as far away from my life as possible. I booked a flight to Japan to visit Sarah since she was stationed out in Yokosuka. Yokosuka has a naval base and is about an hour from Tokyo. I talked to my boss at work a few weeks prior and asked for a week and a half off. Luckily, he was one of the most understanding and best people I have ever worked for in my career so far. Most bosses would have told you to “Get over it” or “Figure it out.” Rob Myers was a saving grace for me that year for letting me have my time off to not think about life. 

While I was in Japan, I remember the time change messing me up quite a bit. I think it took around three days for me to finally be okay without passing out in the middle of the day. In short, this trip changed me. It changed how I traveled, it changed how I process emotions, it changed my outlook on life, it changed many things for me. I came back from this trip and my relationship was virtually over. I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know what to do, it just sort of fizzled like a candle using its last part of the wick. October came and I spent my birthday in Big Bear with my parents. I remember crying in the cabin when we got back from Octoberfest. I don’t think it really hit me that I was single, with no friends around and that 27 was already a shit show on day 1. I visited my best guy friend and his sisters in Arizona at the end of October to make up for the previous weekend. I had no idea that November could get any worse for me, but it did. It was two days before Thanksgiving, November 20th, 2018. 

I was driving from Moreno Valley to Santa Ana one morning on my way to work. I took my normal route, left at my normal time, a pretty standard commute. About 2 miles from work, I was at a stop light. At this stop light I waited for about 30 seconds while the other cars went. The light turned green. As I was pressing my gas to accelerate, out of nowhere, a semi truck plows its way through the intersection and t-bones my driver’s side. I remember screaming. I remember it being like a scene from a Final Destination movie where the victim doesn’t know that death or uncertainty is upon them. In that moment, I remember thinking “This is it.” My reflexes shifted real quick and that was it. I remember pulling off to the side of the road leading up to the 5 freeway. I felt like my soul left my body for seconds then came back. I was shaking. I called my dad first and let him know what had happened. I called my mom and then the insurance company. I exchanged words and information with the driver. I remember being upset, but I couldn’t yell or get any words out. I just went by the protocol of what to do when you get involved with an accident. Sure, I have been rear ended before, but never t-boned and let alone by a damn semi truck. This accident passed, I was awarded some half ass money and in the midst of it all, I remember being so mentally drained that I cried out for help on Instagram Stories... I remember going through survivors guilt. I remember saying to myself “Why am I still here? There are people that die in accidents or by drunk/distracted drivers all the time... Why do I still have to live this life of pain and suffering?” In my mind and in 2018, I never knew how to take pain and suffering very well. I didn’t know it would shape me for what these next couple years would throw at me. 

December came and went. It was like a sigh of relief for me to know that the vicious cycle of the 2018 rollercoaster was coming to an end. At this point, I kind of gave zero f*cks as to what happened in life. A few days before Christmas, I visited my Grandma in Illinois and my grandparents’ grave site. I think my trip to Illinois was some type of closure to my 2018 year. I hadn’t been back to Illinois since my Grandma’s funeral in 2011. It was a cold and frigid trip. It was the first trip I had ever driven by myself. The only cool thing was running into Ja Rule at the Palm Springs Airport (before the Fyre Festival documentary came out, otherwise I would have yelled at him.) He was on my flight to Chicago. Jeffrey Atkins, you sneaky motherfucker, you! How I wish I would have known about you tricking people with that one guy... I ordered a “Survived 2018″ crewneck from this small online business store, went to Disneyland with my mom on Christmas and threw caution to the wind.

2019 was interesting, but not as heavy as 2018. I called 2019 the year where I  “rushed to get back to normalcy.” I realized the commute to PG was getting tiring pretty fast, I accepted being single and got back into dance. Dance saved my life, point blank. Whether it was subbing, teaching, training or being on a team, it brought back a sense of joy and also established new friendships along the way. I started a job at a marketing agency in March 2019 that was a short commute and about 6 months in, I realized this was something I wasn’t a fan of. It took me a while to realize that that was okay to feel uneasy about the jobs I once knew.

If I had to rate 2019 on a point scale, I would say it was a 6/10. I felt like the last few months I was suppose to be back to normal and healed from a lot of things I kept to myself. Dating people was weird because 1. I felt behind. What I mean by that was I thought by age 27 - 28, I would have met my “person,” by now. As I seen other friends get proposed to, plan their weddings and start their families, I started to feel like the odd woman out. Was there something wrong with me? Am I that complicated or hard to love? Are my values not aligning with people I like? Am I going to be that person that gets married at 40 or even at all? Will I always be the friend and not the potential girlfriend or wife? Who knows? 2. The reciprocity factor of it all and setting boundaries. 3. I don’t think I ever got over everything that had happened in my first relationship because we never cheated on each other, our trust when out without each other was never questioned and there was a best friend component in it. I was filled with regret, frustration and memories I forced myself to black out even after going to therapy and journaling it. Fact: I dread my birthday each year. I don’t like my birthday in general, but October I have mixed emotions about. The anniversary of my Grandma’s death is on 10/13, my Grandpa’s birthday is 10/14 and my birthday is 10/20. I spent the last couple months of 2019 drinking more than usual, especially after my friend, Beka, passed away suddenly in November. December came and went. I had my first trip to Puerto Vallarta and enjoyed some much needed beach time. I had this “idea” that I would move to the east coast with Sarah because I wanted to start over. That idea went out the window. I ended 2019 with buying a new car after having paid off my Kia Forte back in 2016.

It’s now 2020 and boy... It has been a shit show for the world I feel like. I can’t even begin to describe what a rollercoaster of emotions everyone is feeling right now, but I do have one word for me personally: gratitude. I started off the year so uneasy with finding out my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer again for a second time. I remember going into February with no expectations, yet I had expectations (weird right?) Without going into too much detail I felt like that quote by DJ Khaled saying “Congratulations, you played ya self!” I was constantly frantic about work, friendships, relationships, my future, dance, my parents, basically everything. I was a walking, talking ball of stress. March came around and I downloaded Bumble (yup, I went there) and matched with a really nice guy who actually knew two of my nurse friends. Then, COVID-19 was in full effect in the states and suddenly the idea of dating or wanting any kind of human interaction made me cringe... I had to politely excuse myself and move on. I checked in on friends and they checked in on me. 

I’ve spent more time with my parents, more time on myself and then it finally clicked: I am where I need to be in this exact moment. I don’t want to date anyone in quarantine, I don’t want to understand or have expectations for another human like I’ve been searching for these last 6 months. What the fuck, Amy? You are everything you need right now and it is not in another person. I’ve danced in quarantine, I’ve cried in quarantine, I’ve laughed in quarantine, I’ve journaled in quarantine, I’ve found myself again in quarantine. As easy as it sounds for most people, the concept is quite large. Since I was 18 years old, I have ALWAYS wanted to live by myself and try it out. It’s ten years later and in the midst of this uncertain time period, I know that 2020 is the year that I finally accomplish this. So, in short, 2021 I’ll be back on the “dating” field or whatever, but 2020 is my year to literally work. on. myself. This includes: my relationship with myself, my relationship with my friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, etc., my health regiment, my mental health, my physical health, my emotional health, I think you get the point, right? In a time where some of us feel alone, I feel secure. My days vary and maybe I’ll post something tomorrow where I say “That post was trash, quarantine was terrible,” and while it is on most days, I’m so grateful to connect more deeply with people on a spiritual and conversational level. I was tired of hiding behind my day-to-day busy routine when I finally came to terms with myself.

We are all in this together. We are all processing what we need and want. I use this blog as a way to express and share what so many people keep to themselves. Maybe you can relate, maybe you think I’m too out there. Either way, to each their own. 

Until next time.

[its-alumina]

A list of accomplishments in the past year that I am (somehow) proud of

1. Completed my physical set of my favorite book series Artemis Fowl (this takes first place because, I dunno, accomplishment.)

2. 15+ anime series finished this year (not quite sure with the number), including that long-ass Naruto. Most of these series have been watched in 2.5/3.0 speed, in an effort to train my Sharingan to read subtitles effortlessly (it worked!)

3. To date, 100+ poetry (or non poetry) typed in a notepad file titled "poetry" in my computer, all expressions of my feelings, thoughts, opinions, self. Here's to not losing the will to write shit and keep adding things up in that stuff.

4. Still don't know how to play any instrument (but no one's got me beat in "air" drums), yet I've still got some lyrics written down and recorded, hidden somewhere in the pc and waiting to be completed songs (to date, out of 20 song ideas, only around three or four are complete with verse, chorus. The voice is still not good tho.)

5. Not really anything yet, but the Aluminaverse is growing ever so slightly, with new concepts, characters, and plotlines being added bit by bit. The writer, however, is lazy trash, and is barely even writing any story. Whatever will happen next, no one fucking knows.

6. 21 (turning 22) and still employed, for some reason. Not that I'm complaining.

7. 21... and still a v$#%£& (seriously whut).

8. Still doesn't give a fuck about politics.

9. Regularly eats junk food.

10. Has a collection of Smart C+ bottles at home.

11. Now curses instead of tearing up whenever a The 1975 song comes up (still blocked them though.)

12. Has a set of reactors in shitpost Facebook account.

13. Recently liberated and free from toxic workplace.

14. Support game is not that shitty, thank goodness. Might play tank soon. And as always, a shitty carry.

15. Can play as Impostor really well.

16. Now plays League of Legends.

17. Still lies between teeth.

18. Maintains a healthy balance of suicidal and happy thoughts (an ecosystem).

19. Was able to post a good amount of tumblr posts to keep alive for another half year of inactivity... or three.

20. M e m e k n o w l e d g e e x p a n s i o n

21. Laughed a lot, even in crisis.

22. Was able to educate for a good two or three months

23. Slytherin supremacist after all this time.

24. Probably got drunk only twice (in which in one of them I'm drinking solo and it didn't *didn't* end well. I dunno, I've done lots of stupid stuff during quarantine)

25. Am a part of history being a part of growing fanbase of fave artists.

26. Still toxic when it counts.

27. Still crazy when it counts.

28. Still funny when it counts.

29. Still serious when it counts.

30. Still a simp when it fucking counts.

31. Light novel coverage is admittedly... less than expected (only 10 or less read so far this year, but at least it's something.)

32. Made a handful of character designs (drawing style's still shitty, so meh)

33. Reached One Piece chapter 999, a historic moment.

34. Had at least 15 crushes, of varying degrees (but now simps for only one. I just wish that she'd simp back or something). *Update: I don't think she would, but meh, what else can I do about it lol. At least I s i m p*

35. Stans the same artists more and more every day.

36. Overthinks less now (this doesn't make much sense semantically).

37. Vengeance still hot, grudges still strong.

38. Met quite the awesome online friends, and boy, was I glad that I met them.

39. The same favorite song, which is a testament that I am motherfucking loyal. (Lol).

40. Less bitter about terrible things, less judgmental of terrible ideas.

41. Still wanna commit genocide on terrible politicians.

42. I think I speak English better now, and that my grammar is a *little* better.

43. Has learned a little "konnichiwa" language.

44. Manages to be kind, because the Doctor said so, because kindness counts more. Would try to be more kind.

45. Loves self more now compared to then. Can stand up to self better. Can speak for myself more often now. Can do things for the sake of me and no one else most of the time.

46. Been gay/bi/pan at least three times (no kidding)

47. Was able to grow out my hair into a bird's nest mess lmao.

48. Tore off toxic friends off of my system like it's nothing, and forgotten about trash people not worth remembering.

49. Haven't shed a tear yet again, except for that one damn scene from Violet Evergarden and, of course, No Game No Life: Zero, but most definitely not for some damn human being (going strong).

50. Still alive, against all odds, chances, and dumb fuckery that Life and the World throws at me, and will do so again next year.

The year may have been terrible, but it's not lacking its rewards and lessons. Here's to a more hopeful year. Cheers!

Ps: Bad Side of 22 soon.

Pps: there might have been more to add, but this is a rushed list, and these are all I can think of. SML!

[spinji]

50 Games in Quarantine (Part 1: Katamari and Rhythm)

So one of the things that I have decided to do during quarantine was to play one video game per day for 50 days. I had ended up purchasing quite a few games around the same time just before the lock down and I also came to have my childhood PlayStation 2 in my possession again which gave me quite a few games I wanted to revisit. I figured I would turn this into something productive and give my thoughts on all the games later. I’ve put the games through a randomizer every day for the last month and sorted them into groups of five and I’ll be writing these reviews with every group I finish.

Disclaimer

I am not a huge gamer or a game critic. I do enjoy video games but most of the consoles I own are past generations and most of the games I own are not part of gaming’s most well-known franchises. Also, I am rating these games largely on my own enjoyment so if a junky licensed game gets a high rating than a ten outta ten gaming icon, that is why.

Katamari Damacy (2004/2018)

While I did technically play the switch rerelease of the game, Katamari: Reroll, I did also own an original copy of the game and am quite familiar with it. Katamari was one of my gateway games as a child and it was nice to return to it. While I do think the original is serviceable as a relaxing and fun game, it feels a bit bare bones compared to the others in the series. I played this game AFTER Katamari Forever in my quarantine so at that point the amount of levels felt very minuscule and I beat the entire thing in one night. Still, it’s fun and the fresh coat of paint on the graphics for Reroll is very satisfying to see. My favorite levels were by far the constellation levels (Cancer especially) since they all revolve around collecting specific items instead of getting to a certain size. It’s very fairly priced and I do recommend it if you never experienced the series before. 7/10

We Love Katamari (2006)

Where is the rerelease Nintendo? Are going to announce a rerelease for this one too Nintendo? It’s the best game in the series, Nintendo. Nintendo???? Okay in all seriousness, this may be my favorite childhood game on the PlayStation and it has held up wonderfully. Because of how young I was, playing games was usually a collaborative effort with the adult who owned it. Because of that I have never 100% completed this game by myself. It’s a tough feat but I really want to because the bonus cousins’ level and rose quest is by far my favorite. The levels are a lot more unique in setting and concepts in this game, the cousins are all playable, and the over-world is a joy to just mess around in. And while on the surface there seems to be a similar amount of levels, there are multiple versions for most of the levels. You can get to the credits pretty fast but that is the tip of the iceberg for what is in this game. Get your hands on a copy and keep the pressure on Nintendo to revamp this game as well because it really does deserve it. 10/10

Katamari Forever (2009)

As much as this game is still fantastic, I don’t think it reaches past the second one’s quality, despite the upped graphics. A lot of the aspects I liked were more style choices and smaller details. The monochrome style of the King levels was nice. A few of the new cousins were cute but none of them really pass up my favorites. The new levels were interesting but not a lot of them stood out. I did have fun but there’s not a lot to talk about. If you like Katamari this will scratch any extra itches if you never caught wind of this game before now, but it just doesn’t raise the bar like the last one. The only thing I could really say if that it’s way easier to unlock endless modes this time! I never even knew there were endless modes for levels until I played this game and I have been playing these games for 14 years! I’ll likely be going back for secrets but it’s just not my first choice for Katamari content. 8/10

Groove Coaster: Wai Wai Party!! (2019)

Since I hadn’t been a position to own a rhythm game with Vocaloid music in it until very recently my attention was drawn to this game while I was anxiously squirming around for the news of Project Diva’s next western release. I’m happy to say that this game is unique enough that I’m not going to stop playing it now that Mega Mix is out. A lot of it’s songs aren’t present in the Project Diva series and it also includes things outside of Vocaloid like original tracks that absolutely slap, Touhou music, including Bad Apple and Night of Nights, and even a few anime themes. The ad-lib mechanic and mission system has been very fun to go through to unlock the rest of the songs. The two player mode wasn’t good at all, especially compared to the arcade cabinets but it’s not that essential to the game, so whatever. Creating your own challenges was a nice way to kind of play your favorite levels back to back. There’s even an Undertale DLC which I would totally get if the e-shop page wasn’t just shaped like one big middle finger. This game is a solid $60 with additional DLC packs for $16 each. For comparison, Project Diva Mega Mix is $40 without the DLC, every song pack is $7, and if you know that you want the DLC you can pay $60 for the entire game right off the bat on the e-shop. Unless you are a huge rhythm game person, or you adore Vocaloid AND Touhou despite it now being 2020, the price is a bit too much for what you get. Also, epilepsy warning for this one because there are a LOT of flashing lights and colors. 7/10

Hatsune Miku: Project Diva Mega Mix (2020)

SPEAKING OF MEGA MIX! Or Mega 39s because Japan likes to be cute with titles that do not translate well internationally. This was my first Project Diva game outside of playing the arcade cabinet at conventions. It was great to finally experience it all for myself and I picked up the gameplay really easily despite it being more complicated than Groove Coaster. The Mix mode was interesting but my left joycon was a bit too clunky to play effectively. For whatever reason it always broke about halfway through The Snow White Princess is and I could never finish. I had heard people making a big stink about the graphics before the game released but I did enjoy them just fine. They’re on the same level as Project Diva X for me. Not hyper detailed and gorgeous like Future Tone but the simplicity keeps them slick and satisfying to watch. Considering that this game has to allow for handheld play and a lagging rhythm game would be the WORST, I am totally cool with that decision. I haven’t taken in the full track list but from what I’ve seen they kept all the gems from Future Tone, added a few fan favorites, and most of the cut songs were the more obscure ones with the older and jankier videos which I am totally fine with. The difficulty feels very fair. It’s easy to pass a level just fine but mastering a level and especially challenge segments takes practice but it’s not so picky for perfection that it isn’t accessible for people who aren’t rhythm veterans. I passed every level I played on normal regardless of its labeled difficulty but I have yet to earn a gold metal score. If you’re miraculously still into Vocaloid after this many years, I do recommend checking this one out. 9/10

[weirdo-with-a-nametag]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Me. Just now, to spite you.

2. Are you outgoing or shy? I’m loud, and friendly, but terrified. Sometimes I go out of my way to socialize with a lot of people, and sometimes I try to be as unnoticeable as possible. It takes a lot out of me, but it seems necessary to be social.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My best friend, my sisters, my dad

4. Are you easy to get along with? I’ve been told I am by reputable sources

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I have a pact that my best friend and I are to get drunk together one of these days, and he’s nice so he would care, but knowing myself I’ll probably be the one taking care of him, or I’d just pass out on the floor and he’d go sleep

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? nah

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? nah

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? what opposite?

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? not really? I mean, wait, my approach to talking about sex is somewhat clinical. If other people talk about it in other ways, I can get really uncomfortable really fast. That’s part of what I mean by “sex-averse.” If someone’s talking about sex including me, I freak a little.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? mm, probably my dad. We talked things out a few days after I moved out, which was recent.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? it says, “Who?”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? I am So Bad at favorites. No, thank you, today.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Some people, if I know they’re going to, for sure.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yeah. The world would be less interesting to me without luck.

15. What good thing happened this summer? I got an Infinity Cube (and proceeded to mess with it nonstop fr so long that I had to hide it for the next week until my hand stopped hurting), and I made several thousand dollars for my savings.

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? The last person would be my little sister’s goodbye kiss. Absolutely, I love her.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Of course.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? who?

19. Do you like bubble baths? bubble baths are nice in concept. I always end up hurting my back by lying in bathtubs, though.

20. Do you like your neighbors? My neighbors hate my family. But me, personally... I’ve never been anything but nice to them, and I think we’re on okay terms. We don’t interact much.

21. What are you bad habits? I bite my nails, ignore my “eat food” alarms, stay up until after sunrise for NO REASON I cannot go to sleep, I get kinda snippy if my mom starts a conversation we’ve already had, use wrappers as coasters instead of throwing my trash away, and rarely stick with something long enough to make anything of it. I have a 95% assembled 3D printer sitting in my room. It’s been at that point for 8 months at least.

22. Where would you like to travel? Oh, yes, I want to learn languages and see the wildlife and touch the water and lay in snow outside of Oregon. Please.

23. Do you have trust issues? Doesn’t everyone? I recently figured out another level to mine, though. Fun!

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? putting on tea water and music while I do the dishes

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Check the dysphoria for that one. But runner-ups: it’s really uncomfortable to feel my skin-on-skin when I bend my torso too far, fat rolls are a bad sensory experience for me. Amy oily or overly dry skin is distracting, and my ears always feel like they need to be popped.

26. What do you do when you wake up? During quarantine it’s been go back to sleep, eventually turn on some tv, wait for my housemate to get up .

28. Who are you most comfortable around? mm, my two closest friends, or my housemate.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Have one ex, who asked me something that smelled like it was leading toward “do you want to get back together?” recently. But I don’t think either of us regret breaking up, when we did. It was the right choice.

30. Do you ever want to get married? Eh, how are the tax benefits? I wouldn’t mind, but I have a hard time believing it’d be because we fell in love, and it’s also terribly restricting. I’d honestly rather have a household of 4, a big poly qpr specifically, so I’m not lonely and I can put my love somewhere, and we can support each other. That sounds great.

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? mhm

33. Spell your name with your chin. l,kianaz       --I did that twice and it’s identical

34. Do you play sports? What sports? Nah. If you count climbing, then yes, but not competitively. I played ultimate frizbee for a bit? And I like playing hockey. 

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV. No question. Music is the  foundation of the machine that pulls me through my day-to-day. That sounds dramatic, but a more precise explanation would be annoyingly long. Someone gets it.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? mm, I “like” my best friend in some kinda way, but I’m sure he knows my feeling as well as I do. (still not very well, but the point here is that I’m an open book and we’re close)

37. What do you say during awkward silences? I either don’t register them at all, or I do and immediately divert to some mental or physical activity. Usually blurt out a random thing on my mind, change the subject, or... throw something. Sometimes I throw things at people I want to talk to. Not sure how to explain that one.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? ?

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Clothes shopping is exhausting, what with the endless textures and noises and flourescent lights and linoleum floors and I come out of it with one (1) acceptable shirt and a feeling like I’ve been sanding the edges off of my brain with a belt sander for the hours I spent in the store. Grocery shopping can be fun, but it’s usually more pain than the food is worth, and I like looking for art supplies - SCRAP here in portland is fun. Oh, and lumber stores or carpet warehouses, if I can get away with climbing.

40. What do you want to do after high school? I want to go to college for physics, graduate and move out of the country for grad school, and end up on a research grant teaching somewhere. On my current trajectory, I’ll probably flunk out next year and go to the Job Corps for Forestry training. Look for a job as a ranger, maybe. Volunteer with rescue crews. Not a bad life at all, but I love learning and I’d feel a bit cut off, I think.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Yeah. People deserve second chances in life, but we need to answer for our actions. And no one has the right to demand a second chance from a person. You don’t “deserve” that. You might get a second chance, if you’re lucky. But it’s luck and kindness and trust, not deserved, that you are responsible for taking care not to break.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? Probably I’m just thinking, in some way or another. Sometimes I’m keeping myself from running out of the room, sometimes I’m focused on my music, sometimes I’m coming up with something to say

43. Do you smile at strangers? Usually. I try to smile when I make eye contact with people, try and be nice, if I feel safe

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Space is attractive but I think I’d see/discover more with a physical deep sea trip than a physical deep space trip. Faster, certainly.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Music, usually, or someone yelling, or I need to pee.

46. What are you paranoid about? my actions having a “butterfly effect” and hurting people, every person, every time I interact with them, but the effects seem so small that no one notices. It’s already too late.

47. Have you ever been high? no? I get a weird loopy reaction to Ibuprofen sometimes, but I’ve never been intentionally intoxicated

48. Have you ever been drunk? see above

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? I stole some pez? But people know about that. Oh. the answer is yes.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black

51. Ever wished you were someone else? mm, not really. I’ve wished I didn’t exist, but not to be another person who does exist

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? If I could trust my sense of right and wrong, that would be nice. But physically? I want wings, big enough to fly with.

54. Favourite store? my favorite tea shop was Townshend’s, but they changed. There’s a kombucha place under my kung fu place that’s good, though.

56. Favourite colour? I usually say cobalt.

57. Favourite food? no idea

58. Last thing you ate? 5-am-midnight-dinner-tacos

59. First thing you ate this morning? I am denying the fact that it is morning.

60. Ever won a competition? For what? I won multiple boat races in my 8th grade shop class. Oh and my robotics team went to state two years in a row

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? nah. Got detention for something in middle school, and a lot of trouble in elementary school, but no suspensions.

62. Been arrested? For what? .....no

63. Ever been in love? questionable

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? my what

65. Are you hungry right now? I’m very rarely hungry. Also just ate. No.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? I have 1 1/2 tumblr friends, none of which I know better than my real-life friends, so my bonds with them are not as strong, no

67. Facebook or Twitter? neither

68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr 

69. Are you watching tv right now? no

70. Names of your bestfriends? I refuse

71. Craving something? What? sleep

72. What colour are your towels? whatever color is cheapest

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? right now there are five pillows on my bed. Not a personal choice. If given the option, one, maybe two.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? not really

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? probably 12, including in storage and display-only

75. Favourite animal? there are too many cool animals. It was the wolverine for a while though

76. What colour is your underwear? blue today

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? usually chocolate. Been on a vanilla kick lately though

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? used to go for mint chocolate chip whenever it was available, but I like cherry, moose tracks, I like most things without marshmallows or cake batter, unless you get really weird.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? blue.

80. What colour pants? orange, with white dotted plaid striping

81. Favourite tv show? how to pick. I’m rewatching Leverage this week, and the Magicians is visually appealing

82. Favourite movie? uh? It was Treasure planet for several months when I was 7, and I have a deep appreciation for the movie adaptation of Holes, but I don’t know abou favorites right now. The Usual Suspects is good though

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? I don’t think I’ve watched either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? again, no clue

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? I

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Dory, or the manta ray, or the baby sea turtle

87. First person you talked to today?... my mom? I think

88. Last person you talked to today? my mom

89. Name a person you hate? no

90. Name a person you love? my sisters. both of them.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? god. Let me sleep.

92. In a fight with someone? kind of in a fight with my mom over cleaning? Not much of a fight though.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? three? Maybe more if you expand the definition

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 3 sweaters, 4-5 hoodies

95. Last movie you watched? Holes

98. Do you tan a lot? I burn in 10 minutes or less, guaranteed, and I don’t really tan no matter what

99. Have any pets? yes! Lots! 4 cats, 3 dogs, 2 snakes. Lovely sweet creatures

100. How are you feeling? vibrate-y

101. Do you type fast? no, I cheated in typing class and now I type with three fingers and a braille keyboard

102. Do you regret anything from your past? most of it

103. Can you spell well? I think so

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? I miss my best (and only) friend from elementary school. We haven’t talked since the summer after 5th grade.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? I have thrown many bonfire parties, and been to those of others

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? I have no idea. Oh. Maybe a little? But we’re still friends, so I think it’s ok

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah, horses are fun

108. What should you be doing? sleeping!

109. Is something irritating you right now? my hip

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? “liked”? probably not

111. Do you have trust issues? isn’t this on here twice? Yes, I have trust issues.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? mm, my dad and a psychologist

113. What was your childhood nickname? I didn’t have one until middle school, and then it was “Lemur” for about a year. Now it’s Murphy

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? I’ve been everywhere between Oregon and Virginia (drove across to move here), Idaho, California, Indiana, DC, Washington, Texas, Vegas specifically, Florida, Canada, and China.

115. Do you play the Wii? Used to play mariokart with my dad

116. Are you listening to music right now? yeah, right at this moment it’s “Tribulation” by Matt Maeson

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? I guess. Usually the noodles are disgusting, usually it’s canned, and that’s not good

118. Do you like Chinese food? there are definitely dishes in amaricanized Chinese food that I like, and for sure dishes in authentic Chinese food that I love, so I guess so?

119. Favourite book? Ah. No comment.

120. Are you afraid of the dark? I don’t think so.

121. Are you mean? I think I can be, but everyone outside my family seems to think I’m an angel, so

122. Is cheating ever okay? Listen, if you can’t tell your SO you’re interested in another person and talk through what that means with them, I think you have more important things to do? That said, I have no experience here. From other people talking about it and my general idea of the fallout and trust, no. Don’t.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Highly unlikely. I have never tried, or wanted to

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? I don’t even know what love feels like

125. Do you believe in true love? I’m sure whatever it is can be as “true” as you believe it to be

126. Are you currently bored? always

127. What makes you happy? making things, making people happy, seeing beautiful things, and music

128. Would you change your name? I might

129. What your zodiac sign? Cancer

130. Do you like subway? no

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? I ask “what are you looking for in our relationship that is not currently there,” and we move from there. Communication and understanding. This is what happened with me and my (now) ex. We’re closer for having talked through our relationship and breakup, honestly.

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Another repeat? My dad and a psychologist.

133. Favourite lyrics right now? mm, “I want my answers to be questioned” from “Take Me Back” by Kongos because reasons I can’t explain right now. Also a bunch of Lake Ponchartrain by Ludo because I like that song and a bunch of The Mountain Goats but I can’t think sorry

134. Can you count to one million? If I dedicated the time, but why

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? Convinced my neighbor my name was “oop” or something like that? And that my real name was actually my middle name. Completely on impulse. I did convince her, though. 3rd grade me did know what was up, apparently.

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed. Windows open, though, it gets way too hot in here 

137. How tall are you? 5′5″ish

138. Curly or Straight hair? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde? n/a. Red.

140. Summer or Winter? winter. I overheat and I love snow and ice skating

141. Night or Day? night. Stars and no sunburn or sunlight-headaches

142. Favourite month? no idea

143. Are you a vegetarian? nah

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? dark

145. Tea or Coffee? tea

146. Was today a good day? today was long

147. Mars or Snickers? snickers, I suppose. I don’t like either of these

148. What’s your favourite quote? I’ve come across several quotes I thought were terribly clever and I wanted to remember, and I remember none of them. Although recently “anything worth doing is worth doing halfway” has been good to me

149. Do you believe in ghosts? can’t think of a reason not to

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou) I’ll level. It’s 7:39am, I haven’t slept, and everything hurts, I don’t really want to get out of bed and look for a book for this. I’ll pull up the book I have on my phone, though. “so unnerved was he at the sight that he leaned against the wall with his hand to his throat to stifle his inclination to call out.”

[kxlebcross]

for the quarantine asks, multiples of 2, please :)

are you fucking serious???? i’m gonna get back at you for this, i’m smol and ready to fight!!!! (under the cut >:3)

2. Grilled cheese or PB&J? grilled cheese, always... idk, maybe i’m too european for that but pb&j just seems gross to me (noah fence to anyone who likes it tho)

4.  Your go-to bar order, if you drink? usually it’s a mojito, a gintonic or a vodka-tonic, depending on the place and its’ prices... and if i’m not that low on money sometimes an absinthe slips in, but that’s really rare, i’m not that young anymore and my body just can’t keep up with the alcohol anymore dfsdfd

6. Top three cuisines? uhhhh..... italian, hungarian and..... i don’t actually have a third hdgfhsd can i just generally say that ‘asian’? tbh i tried like 3-4 dishes from various asian countries which imo is way less than enough to choose a fave, and there’s also a lot more i’d like to try sometime... but my city doesn’t have many places to go to, and the only “chinese” restaurant we have is a cheap ripoff which never served a proper chinese dish in their life.... ordered from there twice, beforehand researching each dish i ordered and let me tell u.... they weren’t even close to what they were supposed to be......

8.  What’s a job that you’ve had that people might be surprised to find out you’ve had?  i once worked at a strip club..... no, not as a stripper, i was a waiter/bartender, and honestly i wouldn’t even mind talking about it if the place wasn’t shady as fuck.... one of the national tv stations even made a full time documentary series about all the illegal shit that’s going down there..... but i never really did any unconventional jobs so there’s nothing fancy, but if i were to tell stories about what i’ve encountered during my ordinary jobs...... oh boi.......

10.  Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general? i have a signed photo with Flowsik from his Warsaw concert.... and i think that’s the only thing like that, if i ever had anything else it’s long forgotten and probably is laying in some box in my mom’s basement lmao

12. What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted? i only have bagels in the kfc breakfast offer so it’s usually some chicken, salad, cheese, egg and mayonnaise? i think? or was that the ciabatta? fuck me if i remember...... but if i could choose anything i’d probably go with smth similar, some chicken strips, veggies, bacon, cheese and moyinnaise? yeah, probably, im a man of simple tastes dsfdfg

14.  Favorite mug you own i wish i wasn’t so lazy and just take a picture of it, but i’m a lazy fuck so here i go explaining XD so its actually a middle-sized coffee mug, it’s pastel greyish-pink with two cats on it, and one of the cats is chilling on a guitar.... it was a bday present from my mums friend and it came in a cat head-like box which i kept.... it’s now on the top shelf in it’s all grotesque cat box glory..... like the ceiling cat meme

16.  Pick a song lyric to describe your current mood (and drop the name and artist!)  uhhhh tbh my mood is usually a blank space, apathy be fun like that... so ill just list some that i’m generally vibin’ with

Take a knife in the back, wanna feel my pain Make a slice to the wrist to reveal those veins I could see your face, man I feel insane

Such a mess when I'm in your presence I've had enough, think you've been making me sick Gotta get you out of my system, yeah

MGK - In These Walls

I just can’t get enough of you, but that’s alright Feeling like going on a joyride with you through the night I keep accelerating on the road with you at my side

Lexie Liu - Like a Mercedes

And it's nights like this when I'm on my own And I realize that you'll never feel like home No, I can't feel you now (Feel me now) And I try my best to stick around But when you're broken like me, you just gotta get out 

Bring Me The Horizon -  ±ªþ³§ feat. YONAKA (but i’m generally vibin’ with the whole album that this song is from)

18.  What’s that one TV show that you’re a little bit embarrassed to watch but you still like nonetheless?  okay so i’m probably not gonna rewatch it ever again, but... when i was a kid there was this german series on tv and it was called medicopter 117.... so in exam season i realized that as a kid i never got to finish it so i decided to rewatch... listen, it’s a 1997 series... but damn it was actually better than some of the crap ppl call tv show now....... not gonna rewatch tho, some moments and plotlines were frustrating as fuck

20.  Do you match your socks? yes! but only because i either have them all black (which will match anyway) or funky colorful fruit patterned ones that look a bit much even on their own so i wouldn’t really wanna mix’n’match those in fear they would just look tacky as fuck

22.  What was your “phase” when you were younger? (i.e., Mythology Nerd, Horse Girl, Space Geek, etc) well for a while i was the horse kid, then the cat kid, then the car kid and then i ended up being the resident class emo with a weird obsession over Lord of the Rings.... it was a wild ride, though the emo phase sort of stuck with me even now

24.  What’s your opinion on Lazy Susan’s (the spinning tray in the middle of tables)? the what? i stg i never encountered it in my life so i’m not really having an opinion on it, sorry to disappoint

26.  You can only have one juice for the rest of your life, what is it? definitely orange... apple has a weird aftertaste, tomato is gross, banana feels like having jizz in ur mouth.... yeah, we’re sticking with orange (also please don’t ask me to elaborate on the jizz part)

28.  What’s one thing you’re trying to learn/relearn in your downtime right now? i’m actually trying to get better with some overwatch heroes i never learned before... since the lockdown started i got a lot better with snipers and i1m actually pretty proud of it

30.  Where could someone find you in a museum? most likely in the souvenir shop trying to find the cheapest thing..... or chilling on some bench/chair after watching all the art pieces, i’m usually way too lazy to stand around and wanna get out pretty fast, but i think it has more to do with the fact that i don’t really like to hang out around people and museums tend to always have a few of those

32.  Rainbows, stars, or sunset colored clouds? stars and clouds.... but man i actually really miss stars........ that’s the only thing that’s shitty in living at the city that i can’t see the stars

34.  Do you have more art on your walls or more photographs? i think art.... i mean i have three movie posters, an overwatch one, a religious calendar from my mum, and then a pride flag and some tacky painting the landlady insisted on keeping on the wall.....

36.  Pick a superhero sidekick to hang out with uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... okay i’m gonna admit, i’m not really into superheroes so i’m not that well-informed about their sidekicks either.... can i just hang out with loki instead or smth?

38.  Favorite mid-2000s song oh no.... assuming it was around 2005.... i was like 7 at that time? what the fuck did  i listen to back then? uhhhhhhh i’m pretty sure that was a basshunter time back then? so i’m gonna go with Basshunter’s Now You’re Gone as i remember having it on my mp3 player dfjhjkdf

40.  Where do you sit in the living room (we all have a preferred spot, and you know it)? usually at my pc, even when i have guests over because i don’t trust anyone with the playlists...... and when i’m over at someone i usually choose a fotel or smth and lay down in it as if i’ve never used a fotel before or couldn’t sit like a normal human being.... and if there’s no fotel then i’m sitting on the armrest of the sofa because apparently i can’t sit like a normal human being sdshfghsdf

42.  A song you didn’t think you’d enjoy but ended up loving  it’s this one.... one day just popped up in my youtube recommended and i was like what the fuck??????? but i’m not gonna say what it is, see for yourself ;)

44.  Are you a “Quote that relates to the photos” caption-er, an “explanation of where I took the photos” caption-er, or a no caption kinda person when you post pictures online? i..... try not to post at all??? but if i do it’s either no caption or “i randomly decided to post some pictures at 3am without thinking about a concept or caption so i’m just gonna wing it” kind of bullshit, no inbetween, i just can’t write meaningful shit under my pictures 

46.  What’s the freezer food that you stock up on when you go to the grocery store? fries..... i’m a slut for fries, best food ever......... give me fries......... i think i actually might buy some later now that we’re talking about it

48.  Do you like Jello? once again i’m way too european to have an opinion, sorry.....

50.  How are you at climbing trees? when i was a kid i was doing pretty well..... now, around 15 yrs and a few fucked up joints later i’m not sure how would i do....... if this stewpid lockdown is over i might actually convince my friend to find some trees to climb and then we’ll see....... (and then i hopefully won’t accidentally k*ll myself because he will be there to catch me if i fall lmaoooo)

[freakflagbyiana]

How to DIY your mohawk in quarantine

Hello, it’s been a while...

I know being in quarantine for a month has made me want to regain control over something, anything. Hair is usually the first place people start when they feel like this. It is exactly what made me start messing with my hair to begin with around age 12. So you’ve decided to cut your own hair? That’s great! I support this! This blog is about how groom your attitude, manage your expectations, and have the most fun with the process. As such, you could apply it to any DIY haircut model. I’ve chosen to give myself a mohawk, one of my go-to’s from my teenage years...

During these surreal times I missed giving myself intuitive haircuts the way I used to when I was 14. This is not about professional instruction, it's a love letter to my teenage years. Enjoying the process without a particular end goal. Even professionals are cutting their own hair right now, so this is also about the elegant humility of the situation. An even playing field. Cutting your own hair is hard, even for a professional. I like my DIY cuts like I (used to) like my martinis, Dry and Dirty. In my opinion it’s best to do this cutting method on dirty hair. You will want to wash it after the mess anyway. You can think of this as a spell, if you like. I always do. Take your time creating the environment for this spellwork, making sure it feels right. The right tools DO help but they aren’t the point. The point is to nourish how you feel. Below is my selfie-cut soundtrack and suggested materials.

Suggested Tools: cutting shears texture shears razor comb trimmers or clippers clippercide squirt bottle duckbill clips tail comb or my favorite comb Other suggestions: wall mounted mirror capes if you want one barbicide kills viruses btw

Step 1:

Put on the most punk music you can find. If you don’t know what punk music is, then what are you even doing here? loljk. Honestly I’m not gatekeeping, this isn’t about Team Clash vs Team Ramones (I’m Team Clash myself). This is about who inspires you to break the rules. Maybe that’s Johnny Cash or Cyndi Lauper or fucking Mozart. If punk is truly an attitude then why pigeonhole your soundtrack to “punk music”? Who makes you feel invincible? {link to all of my Spotify lists if you fancy a look}

Step 2:

Get naked. It’s okay, you’re alone in quarantine, no one is looking. Not only is this step practical, your hair will just get all over your clothes anyway... But this step is important to connect to your inner FERAL child. The clothing and makeup are merely adornments to the human animal. But what do you want this animal to look like? Being naked helps manifest this concept into the physical plane. Besides, witches know that important spellwork is done skyclad.

Step 3:

Section your hair with the flat corner of a wide comb or ideally a tail comb. If you don’t have one it’s okay. Use a fork, dinglehopper style. Punk! Take your time sectioning. Start with the widest version of your cut, you can always take more off. Drag the comb (or fork or skewer or paperclip or whatever) along your scalp. Draw a straight line with it. You don’t fully need to look at it as you do. Usually I feel with my skin whether it is a straight line or not. There’s two main types of mohawk profile lines. A smooth round curve or a boxy square. Pick your favorite or do a squigly one, it doesn’t matter because I can always fix it for you later. Once you have your section, take the hair you’re keeping and secure it with a hair tie or duckbill clips or both depending on length. Keep it tight, and as out of the way as possible. Pro tip: if you wanna be real precise about keeping the baby hairs out of the way, you can tape down your hairline with duct tape. Yes duct tape. It’s the only thing that will actually stick to dirty hair. Yes, it does hurt to remove! But it gets the job done if you need extra help keeping those lines in place. Follow this advice at your own risk.

Step 4:

Prepare the ceremonial area. Before you get messy (probably before you get naked if you live with others), make sure the bathroom is a little clean. Hair is about to get everywhere and having to clean around stuff afterwards sucks. It doesn’t have to be spotless (although that’s nice), but take stuff off the counters and pick up the bathmats and put them all somewhere else, outside of the danger zone. Make sure your tools are laid out on the counter. Whatever you picked from my tool list: shears, clippers, combs, spray bottle, clips, mirrors, clipper oil or clippercide, and a clipper brush or an old toothbrush for keeping the hair junk out of your blades. A note on mirrors: It is ideal to have a hands-free mirror set up. It doesn’t have to be permanent, but stable enough to last the duration of this process. I hold one with my hand because I’m a cocky professional, but you have a better chance at success when you can use both hands on cutting. Once the area is prepared, take a moment to center and ground yourself. Remember the vision of yourself as a feral human animal.

Step 5:

Cut the long bits off the sides before shaving anything. You do not want to shave anything with clippers when it is longer than an inch. I’m a weirdo so if it’s a really long piece I braid it and save it as a tail. Don’t ask me why.

Step 6:

Pick a guard, any guard. Decide how long you want the shaved sides to be. My preferred guard is nothing, a zero. It lasts the longest, and it makes it easy to straighten up the lines of the mohawk.

Step 7:

Begin! I use a skinnier type of clippers called a trimmer, it helps with these curved lines. I always use on dry hair. I flip it upside down to start at the front and work my way back. Starting with the flipped flat edge to the hairline of the long section, and “mowing” downwards towards the ears. Hold your skin flat in the curviest areas. I leave a little “pencil mustache” along the hairline and do all the easy stuff first, coming back to concentrate on the hairline at the very end. Pay attention to your neck hair, a lot of people forget that area. Remember to brush the hair out of the clipper blades regularly and spray with clippercide or oil afterwards. See the process video below to watch steps 7-10.

Step 8:

Enjoy the little things. Take your time with it. Do you like this song? Stop to sing along if you need to. You honestly have all the time in the world, you don’t even have to finish this haircut project today. No one is going to see you unless you live with them or you’re accepting a delivery... It’s quite freeing to have no time constraints for a change. This is what it felt like when I cut my own hair as a teenager, as I didn’t have anything better to do.

Step 9:

When you’re fairly sure you’re done with the sides, take down the long part. How does it look? Maybe it’s fine the way it is. If not, continue to cut that. I use hair shears and a razor comb. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT USE PAPER SCISSORS. Do what you want, but dull scissors will only make the task more difficult. Sort of like how you are more likely to slice your finger trying to cut a tomato with a dull knife. If you opt for the razor comb like I did, make sure your hair is spritzed damp. Cutting with a razor on dry hair causes unwanted unnecessary damage.

Step 10:

Glow up. Unpin everything and take a look at your masterpiece. Admire this majestic creature before you. You did that, good job! Check for anything asymmetrical (unless you want that). I measure my length without looking; I use both hands on the same section of each side and slide it along the hair... if they reach the same point at the same time they are approximately close enough. I also check the symmetry of the hairline without looking; I place my finger on the point of my scalp where the clippered part meets the long hair, I do this to mirrored locations on both sides and close my eyes... if they feel like they are in the same place then I’m good to go. If they feel uneven then I have more work to do. These are the fiddly bits that appeal to my OCD but if you don’t feel like doing them, that’s fine. As I said, I can always even it out for you later. Clean up all the hair from the work area before the next step, you’ll be glad you did.

Step 11:

A type of Baptism. When you’re done, definitely wash your hair. The very practical purpose of this is to remove the thousands of prickly speckles of hairdust all over you, as the only way to get rid of them is a full wash. But in my metaphysical opinion, cleansing yourself is the best finale to any transformational spellwork. Think about how you feel different as you cleanse the hair off. Remember that when you emerge from the bathroom, the creation of new human creature is complete.

Step 12:

While hair is clean but still wet, apply a gratuitous amount of texture cream and let air dry (or blow dry if you fancy). I promise this will pay off when you wake up with epic bedhead tomorrow morning. When you wake up with epic bedhead in the morning, take a selfie of your new achievement and tag me @freakflagbyiana !

Process video

Final Result

Bonus Material: Here’s a process video of a beloved client shaving her head this weekend!

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A post shared by 𝖋𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖐𝖋𝖑𝖆𝖌 #109 (@freakflagseattle)

I hope you learned something and had fun on this journey with me. Remember to be kind to yourself if you make a mistake... It’s just hair, it will grow back!