#I experience sadism as a symptom

[xxstrawberrybunxx]

"Oh you have intrusive thoughts? I do too, you can tell me anyth- oh."

[olivine-gal]

Spider-Man keeps fighting the same one or two dozen guys, so I came up with a bunch of new villains - info under the cut!

The Red Dragon - human-reptile hybrid from the same technology as the Lizard, albeit retaining his full intelligence and sadism. Mob boss, breathes fire

Blink - failed attempt at recreating the Spot, short-range unstable teleportation ("blink of an eye") and quantum duplication

Cityscaper - guerilla artist who has fallen out of touch with the common people and into madness, constructing elaborate death-traps and bizarre and hazardous pieces

Runt - diminutive mob enforcer with an absurd level of strength and durability, mostly limited by his lack of ambition and preference to dick around

Centipede - genetic engineer betrayed by her employers and made into a guinea pig, turning her into a stretchy, boneless mutant with nothing to lose. Fluctuates between anti-hero and anti-villain

Blue Blood - police officer mad about Spidey being "soft on crime" and uncooperative to cops, turned himself into a human tank with advanced SWAT gear. NYPD refuses to condone his vigilante massacres

Troubleshooter - an "invisible man", specializes in doing tasks for supervillains quickly, quietly, and efficiently. Frequently the only sane man amongst a cast of colorful criminals

Gasbag - a "gas" addition to the solid-liquid-plasma triad of Sandman, Hydro Man, and Molten Man. Transformed into a permanent vapor state by particle shenanigans

Dynamite - mad bomber, does bombings for hire or because she likes it. Cyclops goggle helps magnify for fine construction

Sightline - sniper hit-man with bionic eyes that enhance his vision in every practical way. Deeply disrupts Spidey's typical pattern of fighting in open-air

Bunker - giant fishman created by chemical waste poured into the East River and mutating wildlife. Probably eats people

Acid Bath - mercenary for hire specialized in chemical warfare. Acid sprays, flamethrowers, nitroglycerin explosives, etc

Spookum - looks like a big burly guy in a bedsheet ghost costume. Definitely something much worse. Shows up during lunar eclipses, blue moons, and other nights when the world is a little less real

Moon Man - astronaut given a corrupted neutral training implant filled to the brim with science-fiction. Believes himself to be stranded on an alien planet and with only his advanced spacesuit for protection

Miss Appear - paparazzi reporter with the ability to turn invisible. Technically not doing anything illegal, more of a nuisance for Peter Parker the reporter

Roach Woman - a woman who is also a cockroach. Keeps trying to take over the city with elaborate roach plots, really needs more human friends

Mummy Joe - bonded with a super-adhesive medical tape, able to lash it out and manipulate like a collection of tentacles.

Checkmate - up-and-coming criminal with the ambition of becoming Spidey's new arch-enemy for the fame. Fleet of chess-themed androids

The Corporate Raider - anarcho-capitalist and self-proclaimed defender of the rich and wealthy everywhere. Terrorizes unions, strikes, and whistleblowers with extreme prejudice

Memento - psychologist assigned to work with alien technology wound up a little too close. Now essentially a nervous system with legs, fond of psychically manipulating Spidey and other characters

Gnat - all the proportional abilities of a gnat, at the scale of a gnat. Scarily competent in espionage and heist assistance

Snot - artificial human created to experiment with disease symptoms and treatment, now turned into a walking super-spreader. Can also shoot globs and webs of mucus

The King of New York - fuckboy, self-proclaimed king of New York, and with a set of Superman-like powers only matched in intensity by his stupidity.

Shutterbug - at first a photographer paying supervillains to commit crimes to create exclusive reports for him, later becoming a professional spy for hire.

[manie-sans-delire-x]

What are some differences between asd and aspd? If this ask is too much ignore it! I appreciate you either way.

Sure not a problem! I love talking psych.

So theres a lot of differences since they're completely different disorders. I assume you know the basic definitions and DSM diagnostic criteria (if not you can google it lol) so I'll just do the symptoms that are commonly confused/not thought of as much.

Major categorical differences/differences in causes

ASPD is a personality disorder- people can have a genetic predisposition to it but its thought to develop over childhood, usually caused by abuse, neglect, and other negative environmental factors. The causes are mostly psychological, and it mainly impacts interpersonal relationships, personal happiness, and success in society- school and work. There is a high risk of committing crime and involvement in the legal system.

Autism is a developmental disorder/disability, and people are born with it. The causes are neurological, and it mainly impacts interpersonal communication and the ability to learn.

Lack of empathy

Both have a lack of empathy, but in different ways. Generally, people with ASD (autism) lack social skills and the ability to read people's body language and unspoken communication. They tend to dislike and avoid eye contact. They do not necessarily lack emotional empathy (feeling emotionally impacted by another's emotions). Some of them may lack cognitive empathy- understanding another person's point of view/thought process.

People with ASPD and/or psychopathy (blurry distinction there, I will be grouping them together in this ask) do not generally lack basic social skills and can even be highly skilled, sociable, and "charming". (They need to be, in order to be manipulative.) They can read body language, and generally have little issue with eye contact. They usually do not lack cognitive empathy and are capable of understanding another person's point of view and thinking (but it can depend on temperament, upbringing environment, and whether they are "low/high functioning"). However they lack emotional empathy and tend to be emotionally unimpacted by another's suffering (callousness), or even develop sadism (pleasure from another's suffering), leading to violent actions.

Emotional sensitivity

People with ASD often struggle with handling emotions, which tend to be intense and can cause breakdowns even in public. They can also struggle with alexithymia (an inability to describe, and identify and name emotions despite feeling them).

People with ASPD are often unemotional and are able to be calm in highly stressful, traumatic situations (this can be a good, socially useful thing- studies have shown that surgeons, lawyers, and CEOs tend to rank highly in antisocial traits. Fictional heros too.) (However, people with ASPD also commonly have anger issues, so that can cause acting out.) Due to this emotional numbing, they tend to be risk-takers and thrill-seekers and engage in risky behaviors (drug abuse, seeking out fights, sexual promiscuity, theft, reckless driving, other crime, and "adrenaline-junkie" stuff like skydiving). In contrast, studies have shown that people with high traits of psychopathy tend to be good with words, and over-exaggerate their emotions.

Attachment and pro-social emotions

People with autism are perfectly capable of developing healthy attachments to others, and of feeling pro-social emotions like love, affection, guilt, shame, embarrassment, grief, etc. They are able to experience positive emotion as well.

People with ASPD or psychopathy are generally unable to bond to others, and severely lack pro-social emotions. They tend to have high rates of anhedonia (inability to feel joy, happiness, positive emotions) and general apathy.

[whumpinggrounds]

Hi, I just came across your post about representing disability respectfully and this is actually something that I have been worrying about not doing, I'm interested to hear your view.

Recently I came up with an idea, to indulge a bad end of one of my video game fandoms. I am exploring how the antagonist was affected by trauma while also let himself corrupt with vengeance. I really want to avoid implying this character becomes a villain because he is psychotic, or that trauma makes you violent, or that his sadism somehow is a required package deal with all of this. So far it all just blurs together though. I think those traits suit and explain his character, and admittedly the story is unapologetically self-indulgent as well and not meant as a moral guide.

To summarize, he was trapped for decades by 2 brothers that plagued his home, then he is trapped again by someone who pretended they were going to free him. This all results in him becoming distrustful, paranoid, impulsive, and anguished from grief and isolation. He suffers from nightmares and frequently loses touch with reality, going through late onset schizophrenia. He does not receive proper care, even when he is eventually rescued and able to return home. Rather quickly, integrating back into society becomes a massive obstacle. His quaint people do not know how to deal with his violent outbursts and psychotic episodes, they think he is dangerous and unwell, and decide to banish him. Being rejected from the place he'd longed to be back at for so long completely shatters him and he is overtaken by nothing but hatred and brutality. His sadism does become amplified from feeling powerless and mistreated.

He reunites with his rescuer, a sapient hybrid creature, who becomes his property, corrupted companion in crime, lover, in some scattered order. It can read him quite well, understand how his brain works, adapt and endure. It gently recognizes the many ways in which he is broken and divergent. But nonetheless I'd really like to explore his heinous, abusive, bloodthirsty desires and actions in full glory. I do plan on them eventually bonding enough where they can be vulnerable with each other, and find ways to heal and engage in the darker desires consensually.

For added context I am neurodivergent myself so innately lean to writing that type of character, and I also gravitate towards extremely dark fantasies pretty much exclusively.

Hi! Sorry for the late response -

This does sound like a story with dark themes, and it's perfectly okay to write a story with dark themes about a disabled character. You seem aware of some of the bad directions this could take - the message that trauma and mental illness make a person evil/violent/dangerous is a pretty unfortunate implication.

The truth is that everyone experiences mental illness and neurodivergence differently. Everyone responds to trauma differently. Some of these ways can be maladaptive, and it's okay to write about that! The main things to be careful of are absolutes - all people with x symptoms would react this way - and causality - he experienced y, so of course he's going to respond this way. I think it's important to emphasize your character's individuality here, and to talk about how who he is interacts with his environment to create his behavior.

This is pretty basic advice, so feel free to check in if you have more to talk about. Happy writing!

[rahbid]

i finally found that post about the aspd mom and how she feels towards her children and it gave me more to say re: jezebel and attachment, with a tinge here of commenting on her general experiences with emotions.

children in this post refers to any speculative children jezebel may adopt or have biologically, regardless of verse or ship.

one: the post itself and which parts of it resonated.

unlike the mother in the post, i do think jezebel loves her children.

the mother in the post made a few points about child-rearing i feel jezebel would also utilize.

her children were not permitted to believe in santa/the easter bunny/etc. while jezebel would delight in making the holidays a joy for her children, she does not believe in lying to them. the only place believing in these things ends is with disappointment when they find out they are not real. this point can be changed in verses wherein such creatures do exist.

similarly, jezebel does not believe in lying to her children and will answer any questions they may have for her.

adults were not permitted to joke/use sarcasm with her children when they were very young because they would not understand it. she left them to learn more about humor with their peers at an age/developmentally appropriate level.

her children were taught yoga and meditation. they were encouraged to learn about all religions and choose their own or none at all. jezebel would not force nor even urge her children to be catholic, but she would bring them to church with her for the experience.

her children would be brought up to be successful, intelligent and self-preserving - not to the point of cruelty, as jezebel does value integrity, charity and kindness, but to the point of being capable of handling the world with confidence.

she makes it a point that her children are well-behaved and well-mannered.

jezebel is/would be quite defensive and protective of her children. she is very careful about who they interact with, what others are allowed to say to them.

jezebel views her children as a point of pride. yes, she loves them simply for the virtue of existing and being hers, but she also raises them to be, as mentioned, successful individuals and icons of her own successful parenting. this differs from her father’s views on her, as her love and pride is unconditional and not based in her children acting for her desires, but rather being happy adults.

two: other notes on jezebel and aspd.

jezebel can feel love, it simply works differently and she is typically uncomfortable with verbally expressing.

jezebel has a very weak conscience. its voice can typically be quelled by her own rationalizations. under most circumstances, she does not feel guilt or remorse.

unlike what most sources may tell you, she can feel positive emotions, such as joy and does not solely feel rage and sadism.

she does have a bad habit of lying for fun, particularly to strangers. she does not view these as “serious” lies, so much as she views them as simply jokes others are not in on. she will not and does not lie to those she is in any form of relationship, be it romantic, platonic, familial, etc.

while her official diagnosis is antisocial personality disorder, there is some small overlap seen between aspd and borderline personality disorder in how her symptoms present. this is most notable when she is engaged with close, intimate dynamics with others, such as the need to react harshly to perceived or real abandonment.

her aspd with borderline symptoms were caused by a combination of her father’s genetics and her own traumatic early life experiences.

she attends therapy and is on medication, primarily for her schizoaffective disorder. many of her more intense aspd symptoms have gone into remission, but her mental illnesses are, in fact, life long and color her personality, relationships and world views.

[menalez]

i’m really sorry if this is tmi, but in regards to your posts about developing physiological reactions of phantom arousal to random stimuli:

i have inflammatory bowel disease, and i have noticed a really strange link between certain types of pain/discomfort and physical symptoms of arousal (devoid of any actual arousal)

abdominal and colorectal pain, or the discomfort (and pain) of having to take medicated suppositories or enemas

sometimes there is an immediate response to sharp pains or spasms anywhere in my body that feel a lot like arousal. have experienced this for years, and it sometimes includes other forms of pain (none of them sexualized at all, fwiw. like, unpredictable bodily things)

i wonder if other women experience these reactions to physical pain in our bodies, and what that means about a lot of things. where that might have evolved from, and how it might be getting co-opted now, by porn culture and kink culture, social and sexual forms of male sadism or violence

it makes me a uneasy to think about

i think you’re probably not alone. it’s possible that since these arousal signs are triggered to protect us (to the point where sexual stimuli we don’t actually found arousing will still result in some level of lubrication due to our body trying to prepare itself for sth potentially happening to us) that the pain is being perceived as some sort of sexual threat and so u face this physiological (but not actual) arousal? im theorising on my own here but i feel like this is the logical conclusion from all the studies on this ive read. many women in the notes talked about how they had some lubrication when they faced SA and rape and some in unrelated random situations including seeing naked women altho they’re het etc and i think perhaps this physiological arousal irrelevant to our actual arousal is quite.., trigger happy? like it happens more often than our body actually needs it to bc the risk of us not having any lubrication when it’s necessary to protect us is far higher. idk how to word it but basically, i don’t think u should feel embarrassed or uneasy. your body is potentially trying to protect you and it’s not a reflection of you whatsoever. it’s also, like someone else mentioned, why stuff like BDSM can result in some lubrication, and why some people end up actually being conditioned into enjoying such things. ugh i can’t word it better but i recall someone pointing out that connection too

[deadfluid]

pinned post until i gather the motivation to turn this into a rentry

denver ⚰️ he/it/blood 🩸 tmasc gay queer umbreonboy 🔪 transid user

alter in a collective of sorts, the hosts blog is @/hideawaysis im just a parasite

my stances: pro-fic, pro-para, pro-kink, anti-callout, anti-abuse, anti-contact for paraphilias that could cause nonconsensual harm, radqueer-neutral (my stance on that kinda thing falls under lobotomyqueer, the collective as a whole is uncomfortable associating with the community due to past experiences but youre free to interact if youre a part of it so long as youre not pro-contact), pro-good faith identities, pro-nontraumagenic plurality origins (plurality is a symptom not a disorder), pro-blood and killing and murder

other general warnings: i am a blog that posts nsfw so chrono/bodily minors avert your eyes, sometimes when im really excited i type in all caps it doesnt mean anything, i use the r slur untagged because im autistic and find it sexy, i will post a lot about sadism and guro and borderline necro stuff in general but as ive said im anti-contact for things like that irl and the idea of doing that stuff for real makes me wanna yarf sooooooo

if any of the above things squick you out just block or something dont harass. this section is here so you know what youre getting into

no actual dni because those are dumb as fuck i just block

my ids (subject to change im always adding more): cisplural (traumagenic origins), cisdisabled (physically, mentally, developmentally), cisautistic, cislowfunctioning (we use functioning labels over support labels), transmasculine, xenogender (deadgender, bloodgender, umbreongender, vampgender), xenoautism (murdertism), trisqueer, transharmful (transkiller, transabusivebrother), deadfluid, permateen (bodily an adult), nonhuman (transumbreon, transwolf, transblackcat, transdemon, zombiefluid, vampfluid), transreality (im a fictive to simply live in this reality is to be transreality LMAO), transslitthroat/wrists, transcreepypasta, and many more (for more transids see #the hoard)

yes before anyone says anything i AM deluded and a lot of these ARE delusions so fucking what who cares if i call myself a killer umbreon with murder autism for schizospec reasons its my life and fuck it we ball 🏀 🏀 🏀 put me on r/transidcringe see if i give a fuck

also anything related to umbreon gets me to front immediately. in case you need something or whatever

thats all for now. if you got this far welcome and i hope you dread your stay here

[cheap-jumpscare]

"are u ok" idk i hope not

hi none of yall have seen me at my worst yet

i actively want to get so much worse. infinitely worse. i need to get as mentally awful as possible. please be mean to me please traumatize me i deserve it. but please dont hate me. if anyone hated me id actually kms. maybe.

does anyone take IDRlabs seriously? is it legitamate? bc

i guess im just kind of fucked up in general. im gonna go through each one and what they mean ordered by highest to lowest score.

SCHIZOTYPAL - a personality disorder. to quote a website i think is pretty smart; '(they are) often described as odd or eccentric, and they usually have few, if any, close relationships. They generally don't know how relationships form or how their behavior affects others. They also tend to misinterpret others' motivations and behaviors and greatly distrust others.' TL;DR abnormal and distrusting of others.

HYPOMANIA - 'hypo' means the opposite of 'excessive' or 'a lot'- so this just means 'under mania' or 'less than mania' if literal, iirc. Quoting wikipedia; 'Characteristic behaviors of people experiencing hypomania are a notable decrease in the need for sleep, an overall increase in energy, unusual behaviors and actions, and a markedly distinctive increase in talkativeness and confidence, commonly exhibited with a flight of creative ideas.' TL;DR weird, energetic, and not sleeping a lot

PARANOIA - we should all know this one. being irrationally afraid of something(s) to an obsessive degree. that's my own definition, anyways.

DEPENDENT - I'd assume this refers to 'how dependent you are on others' whether that be emotionally or in general.

SADISM - finding pleasure from hurting others. often misconstrued as immediately sexual, but not exactly! sadism can also manifest as just feeling better about yourself when harming those around you. this one's score feels a bit inaccurate in my own opinion.

ANTISOCIAL - not being social. simple!

NARCISSISTIC - daily reminder that people with npd are not immediately evil just because they have npd; ive known many narcissists who were actually very cool people! give your local narcissist some support. anyways, narcissism outside of the personality disorder is defined as 'a self–centered personality style characterized as having an excessive preoccupation with oneself and one's own needs, often at the expense of others.' the double-edged sword is that, usually, people who happen to act narcissistic or have npd can also be immensely insecure. again, give your local narcissist some support :(

NEGATIVISTIC - wikipedia says it is 'characterized by procrastination, covert obstructionism, inefficiency and stubbornness.' to be entirely transparent, this one is no longer on the DSM-V. also reffered to as passive-aggresive personality disorder.

DEPRESSIVE - assumedly reffering to either the mental health condition or general depressive symptoms. I'm unsure myself.

BORDERLINE - wikipedia kind of called me out so im not quoting it this time but TL;DR probably refers to symptoms of BPD/EUPD. only some of these symptoms resonate for me (i dont particularly experience the flipping between hating and adoring those close to me, or much dissociation to my knowledge). other than that, I would've expected it to be higher.

SCHIZOID - wikipedia says this is characterized by 'a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency toward a solitary or sheltered lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, detachment, and apathy.' I myself am quite open about being low-/no-empathy so that makes sense why it's around this level.

HISTRIONIC - attention seeking.... which i experience a lot. the other listed traits, ('said to be lively, dramatic, vivacious, enthusiastic, extraverted and flirtatious.') don't quite line up, though.. unless we count how I sort of pretend to be more high energy than i ever really am? shrugs

MASOCHISTIC - the inverse of sadism; finding pleasure from being hurt. once again, often interpreted as sexual though this isn't always the case. like with me, some people just hate themselves.

COMPULSIVE - "The main idea of compulsive behavior is that the likely excessive activity is not connected to the purpose to which it appears directed." I have some form of trichotillomania (hair-pulling) so im actually surprised this is at ZERO. though, my trichotillomania mainly manifested for sensory reasons....... stimming by twirling hairs around my fingers.

.. i didnt need to list all of that, but i was worried some of you wouldnt know what words meant. anyways, I took some other quizzes.

This was the likability test. It's not the most accurate in my opinion, but eh. It still sort of works.

.. Wow okay. This is a narcissism test- they only gave 2 options for each question and every single one was two extremes. I wish they'd give a third in-between answer.

the Dark Core Faces test. you pick a face you think is more likely to be one 'negative' thing or another. apparently im pretty good- though im not surprised. I've always sort of been better than others at predicting or guessing things about people and characters.

Anyways I am considering being one of my OCs. sighs.

[i-stand-with-survivors]

Just a friendly reminder that Amber is a borderline. Boderlines are deeply manipulative and sadistic individuals. They lie for attention because they pretty on people's sympathy. In a sense, they're basically psychopaths. Don't let tiktok and mental health twitter tell you otherwise. These individuals are dangerous and should be avoided at all costs

Yikes, the ableism really jumped out here.

Luckily I do not get my information on mental health from social media. I prefer to get it from peer-reviewed research articles and other reputable scientific sources when possible, such as this article describing the relationship between BPD and trauma and this article discussing that BPD is similar to PTSD in many ways (but can be distinguished). I also get my information from the DSM -- you can see the DSM-5 BPD criteria here -- which does not in fact list sadism, lying, or predatory behavior as symptoms.

Of course, all of that is pretending like I actually believe the diagnosis given by a woman hired by the opposing team, who potentially agreed to diagnose Amber before actually meeting her and had dinner and drinks with Depp and his team prior to the assessment, who did not administer a single assessment geared specifically at measuring personality disorders (MMPI can be used in this way but that's not what it was designed for), who was hired as an "expert" witness despite having zero experience testifying in IPV trials and not being board certified, who diagnosed two highly controversial and lifelong disorders after meeting Amber only twice, who appears to have a strong bias that people commonly fake PTSD and used an interview-based PTSD assessment which is thus at risk of clinician bias, who never gives a single example of a statement Amber herself specifically made that backs up her conclusions , who ignored every single reported instance of abuse shared by Amber's previous providers because "therapists have to take clients at their word," and whose conclusions very conveniently are "coincidentally" exactly what team Depp hoped she would conclude.

Obviously, I call bullshit on the above. But the issue of ableism is broader than whether Amber herself has BPD.

People with BPD can be abused. In fact, some studies have found they are at higher risk of being abused compared to people without BPD. Yet because of stigma, the diagnosis is often used to discredit survivors who speak out, as though the two were mutually exclusive.

And nobody deserves to be demonized because of a health condition.

BPD is extremely stigmatized. Perpetuating that stigma doesn't help anybody, yet harms many.

And again, BPD is often a reaction to trauma, especially early interpersonal trauma. Many of its symptoms make sense within that lens. For example, of course it's going to be hard to trust people if you were abused as a young child by people you should have been able to trust; and difficulties with emotional regulation are very common after childhood abuse and neglect, as the safe co-regulation parents typically provide is usually missing in such situations.

[caelestis-composition]

killshot anon! YEAH i totally agree w/ your view on kaeya. it's so weird to me that people will blame him for his role in a situation he was forced into as a child through no choice of his own. that itself had to be traumatic, not to mention everything that happened later. i hate when people say he's untrustworthy - like yeah, he's lied, so has everyone? it's clear he does it mostly to protect himself. not to mention that (& sadism) can be symptoms of trauma. kaeya deserves nothing but happiness

take a seat folks it’s time for a “brynn should’ve been an english major” lesson! today we’re gonna learn some literary theory; specifically, we’re gonna apply psychoanalytical trauma theory to kaeya’s backstory and current character. killshot anon i bet you never thought this would result in a whole ass essay.

disclaimer one! you are allowed to dislike kaeya! i am not saying you need to like him or his character, you’re entitled to your opinion and i’m not here to change your mind.

disclaimer two! i am in no way an expert and this is all for fun! this is just my silly little analysis of one of my favorite characters as someone who’s studied literary theory and rhetoric and can also apply personal experience. seriously analysis is like a hobby to me and this is just an excuse for me to ramble about kaeya.

disclaimer three! this contains lots of spoilers! basically for everything we know in-game, general knowledge as well as stuff from his voicelines and character story. don’t read this if you don’t want spoilers.

since this is going to be filled with spoilers and is about to get really long, everything will be under a cut. for those who wanna read my dumb super informal essay: enjoy!

final note: yeah this is over 2000 words long can you tell i like analysis

⭒

let’s start by getting a quick rundown of trauma theory out of the way. to begin, what is “trauma?” in this case, trauma is going to refer to an experience that greatly affects and changes one’s life; attitudes, memories, behaviors, mental state, etc. while not all changes may be bad, per se, the overall effect of trauma is generally a negative one, which is why it’s so significant. literary trauma theory, then, explores these changes and the impact of trauma in literature. it analyzes the psychological and social effects of trauma, explaining what those effects are and why they happen. in the context of a specific character, trauma theory breaks down said character’s behaviors, feelings, and general mentality in relation to their past experiences; trauma theory hopes to explain to others the reasons for why a character may act or feel the way they do, all based upon the character’s experiences, particularly traumatic ones. our character today is the lovely kaeya alberich, with the “literature” being genshin impact. i’ll be referencing kaeya’s wiki page to ensure i get all details correct for his character story and voicelines.

it would be good to review kaeya’s backstory before delving into the actual analysis. though we don’t know much about his life before living in mondstadt, we’re told he was sent as an agent of khaenri’ah. and by “sent,” i mean his biological father abandoned him in a completely unfamiliar land to serve khaenri’ah’s interests and fullfil his mission—what this entirely entails hasn’t been revealed. mondstadt, however, welcomed kaeya “with open arms when they found him.” crepus ragnvindr took him in as his adopted son, with diluc as his adopted brother. kaeya and diluc were “almost like twins,” so close they “[knew] each other’s thoughts and intentions without a word.” he’d began a new life in mondstadt, one surrounded by friends and family that loved him; one that was completely shattered by crepus’s death. kaeya arrived at the scene of the disaster, and was led to believe diluc was the one who killed their father to “set his father free” from the effects of his delusion. there’d always been one big question in kaeya’s life: if it came down to it, who would he support? the nation that abandoned him, but he still felt loyal to, or the nation and family that took him in and really loved him? overrun with guilt, kaeya confessed his purpose to diluc, sparking a fight between the two brothers. in this fight, kaeya receives his cryo vision. though both brothers stepped away alive, they’ve never been able to make peace with one another. now, kaeya is the eccentric and charming cavalry captain of the knights of favonius; a man who gets his way by using any means necessary, regardless of whether or not it seems right.

kaeya’s not evil; he’s morally ambiguous, and that stems from what appears to be a general distrust of others. his life is one shrouded in secrecy. from the moment he stepped foot into mondstadt, he was surrounded by secrets. even now, he doesn’t talk about a lot of things, namely his past, vision, and feelings. though he’s always willing to get information out of others, kaeya never reveals anything about himself. he repeatedly tells the player they can confide in him, but whenever you try and pry into his life, he deflects your questions with some sort of witty comment or flirty remark. anything he does reveal is vague, or spoken in some sort of “code.” for example, his “interesting things” voiceline. he tells us about the owl of dragonspine, how it “seems to look right through you, while letting go of none of its own secrets,” and then tacks on a “quite fascinating, don’t you think?” it seems like an awfully accurate parallel to himself; kaeya does all he can to get information from others, but never gives anything about himself. now, this whole thing—his relationship with diluc falling apart and his need for secrecy—could have probably been avoided if he had just come clean about his mission years ago. so why didn’t he? to start, kaeya was a literal child. not only are children unable to properly tell the difference between right and wrong, but they’ll also typically follow their parents’ orders blindly. kaeya had just been abandoned, and he wouldn’t want to risk being cast out by mondstadt as well if he came clean right away. you see, there’s this thing about trauma, something that trauma theory states. traumatized people feel a sort of shame or guilt regarding their traumatic experience; they’ll keep quiet because they don’t want to cause problems or bother others with their issues. of course kaeya wouldn’t tell the truth about his past, he doesn’t want to destroy the genuinely loving relationships he’d built in mondstadt. his fight with diluc only proves what he was afraid of: if he’s honest, he’ll be abandoned again. and if kaeya’s used to all the lies, why should he bother changing?

another thing, if he’s not going to tell the truth, then why would he have initially gone along with his father’s plans? again, he was a child. he really had no choice, and was forced into a very wrong and cruel situation. there’s a good explanation for this, too, which is also stated in trauma theory; traumatized people will still do their best to please their abusers. especially if said abuser is a parent, that will drive traumatized people to work even harder to please them. although his father hurt him by ruthlessly abandoning him, kaeya still sought to make him and his homeland proud. he was willing to be used as a tool for their gain; that is, until he found people who actually cared about him. he was an impressionable child, of course he’s going to obey orders. but as he gets older, he feels torn. does he serve those who abandoned him, or those that took him in? his father—and arguably, khaenri’ah as a whole—hurt him, sure, but he still feels some loyalty and connection to his former home. instead of revealing anything, he lets the situation play out. that way, he can’t be blamed when things fall apart.

the thing about claiming he’s untrustworthy is that hardly anyone in-game believes that. he’s adored by the older folks in mondstadt, and foes and allies alike find him easy to talk to. despite seeming lazy and uninterested in work, kaeya takes his job very seriously. in fact, his story states that crepus’s death was the “first and only time kaeya failed in his duty.” the “only time” is especially important, because it signifies kaeya still fulfills his duties successfully. he’s had a total of one slip-up, and hasn’t failed since. no, kaeya is not untrustworthy. rather, kaeya finds everyone else untrustworthy. it’s not unlikely that this is a direct consequence of being abandoned as a child. although it’s been established that kaeya and diluc were very close as children, when crepus dies, kaeya assumes diluc is the one that killed him. in order to jump to such an extreme conclusion against someone he was so close to, there had to be some underlying sense of distrust. furthermore, kaeya expresses feeling as though he doesn’t belong anywhere. he was abandoned by khaenri’ah, and then worried he wouldn’t be accepted by mondstadt. he is, but there’s still that worry. if you place him in your teapot as a companion, he tells you that your home feels like someplace he belongs, following it up with a “heh, who’d have thought…” kaeya still feels as though he doesn’t belong in mondstadt; despite the fact that he’s a high-ranking knight of favonius and rather popular, he still feels like an outsider. he doesn’t trust that anyone actually wants him around, and he finds joy in testing peoples’ trustworthiness. it’s noted in his story and through his voicelines that the beloved cavalry captain has a rather sadistic nature. he likes putting people into difficult situations, to see what decisions they will make. he does this to both opponents and allies, testing to see who’s going to back out and who’ll keep fighting; in the sake of allies, who can he trust? or who will turn tail and abandon their teammates at the slightest hint of danger? i mentioned it previously, but kaeya doesn’t care what measures he has to take so long as his job gets done and he gets the answers he wants. it’s a sort of self-preserving mindset, putting himself above the safety of others. kaeya’s trying to protect himself, which makes sense with all he’s been through. he doesn’t want to be hurt, and instead finds pleasure in threatening harm upon others. it’s twisted, sure, but it’s because he can only trust himself in a world that he believes is out to get him. he’s got as many enemies—if not more—as he does allies; of course kaeya focuses on protecting himself first, whether physically or through keeping his secrets, well, secret.

his most obvious traumatic effect is definitely his alcoholism. but he uses it as a distraction, not just to wallow in self-pity. this is seen again in his story, particularly in story 3. it’s found that when his favorite drink, death after noon, is out of season, mondstadt’s crime rate is decreased drastically. at face value, this just means kaeya spends more time working when death after noon is low in supply. but kaeya doesn’t skip work to go to taverns; it’s already been established he takes his job very seriously, so this means he actually patrols and tracks down threats while off work when he can’t indulge in his favorite alcoholic drink. he doesn’t get drunk simply because he’s depressed. if he did, there wouldn’t be a drop in incidents when death after noon is out of season. no, kaeya uses both the alcohol and fighting to distract himself. after all, it’s a little hard to think about feeling sad when you’re either drunk out of your mind or fighting for your life.

despite being so secretive, kaeya gives us glimpses of his true emotions from time to time. as previously mentioned, his flirty attitude is nothing more than a mask to hide how he really feels; and kaeya is terribly, terribly lonely. that may be why he seems so extroverted. constantly being around people should, logically, drive away that feeling, but it doesn’t work like that. when he talks with the player, he frequently expresses disappointment when you have to leave. each time, though, he dampens the weight of his words with playful or flirty language. he’s lonely, but doesn’t want you to know that, like he’s afraid of asking you to stay. he takes the seriousness of his feelings, and basically bends it into some sort of lighthearted joke. kaeya hides his true feelings—negative feelings, to be exact—so that he doesn’t bother anyone. which is, again, something that happens with traumatized people. he displays that hesitance to reveal his true feelings, because there’s a shame or guilt that comes with his past. he doesn’t want to bother others or hold them back, so he puts on a smile and amps up the charisma. one other very important thing—but very small detail—i would like to note is his feelings toward family. his fell apart not even once, but twice, and kaeya still holds familial relationships in high regard. we know he doesn’t exactly care how he goes about getting his work done. he doesn’t pay attention to what’s “right” or “wrong,” so long as he gets what he needs. but one of his informants, vile, notes that the cavalry captain has one exception: he won’t work with those who threaten others’ families. in fact, kaeya claims those who do should be hunted down and destroyed. even though his own families have caused him so much pain—and he ended up estranged from both—he still understands the importance of having people who love you in your life. because he didn’t get that.

kaeya’s not evil. ultimately, as a knight of favonius, his goal is to protect others, because no one was there to protect him. and because no one was there to protect him, because he’s been hurt time and time again by people who were supposed to love him, kaeya has taken to protecting himself. he hides any and all negative feelings with a charismatic, friendly façade, because he thinks it’ll drive away his persistent loneliness. any “bad” actions of his were hardly his fault; he was forced into a life of secrecy and lies, and then abandoned by the first people who truly loved him. kaeya’s a multi-faceted, tragic character, one that toes the line between good and evil, and that’s what makes him so interesting.

[keirametzbrassknuckles]

Since someone wants to try me this evening:

A few notes on why I write Gaetan Like That(tm)

He kills for profit or the defense of profit which, to him, is just the way of things. It's how he was taught, he truly doesn't know any other way.

His idea of "good" and "bad" is primarily a large overlapping grey area - also a symptom of his training.

His first (and only) loyalty is to himself; if it feeds him, clothes him, shelters him, or allows him to get those things it's good.

He's learned from experience that most things are barriers in the way of his safety, health, and wealth and has, overtime, lost his hang-ups over dealing the first blow. Its an "if I don't hurt you first you'll hurt me when my back is turned" approach.

As someone who grew up in a situation where a boundary was something to be broken and, later in his life, had them violated whenever he tried to erect them, I think he simply doesn't have a good idea of where the line is or even what it is. This also probably applies to other boundaries in life like nudity, conversation, personal space, not stitching up your sucking chest wound in the middle of the inn common room etc.

But while he doesn't know where the boundary is he knows there is one and I think he spends a lot of time trying to feel his way towards and around it, agonizing over it and punishing himself for perceived mistakes even as he gets up and does those same things the next day and doesn't bat an eye.

His fluctuating definition of "good" leads him to be constantly in a state of confusion about his own feelings toward himself which only adds to the strain on his already unstable and fragile psyche.

He knows he's going to go "too far" someday but he's not sure what that means, leading him to a continuous wild ping-ponging between self-loathing and self-aggrandizement as his unstable sense of self tries to keep up with his fleeting notions of morality.

Because he doesn't know what "too far" means he always ends up second guessing himself. One minute he'll kill someone and laugh, the next he'll kill someone and agonize over it for weeks - But I liked it? But it was necessary? But it was wrong? But it was good? But I liked it... but it was wrong. Or was it?

I think he actually likes killing. Not out of sadism specifically (or even at all) but because It's simple and it makes sense - you slit someone's throat, they die. No grey area, no instability, a simple 1+1=2 proposition. "A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort" etc. He probably knew how to kill before he knew how to cook.

He knows that something is fundamentally broken with the way he views the world but unlike someone like Aiden, who, from what little we know of him, seems to have actively done the work to untangle himself from the absolute shitshow of a dysfunctional situation in which theyd grown up and which continues to define them. Gaetan just kind of rolls with it.

This I ascribe to his generally unstable mental health and the reality of being a Witcher. It's nigh on impossible to do any kind of true self-reflection when constantly on the lookout for something coming to kill you.

We KNOW, though, that he has some self awareness, that this is a problem he's clearly wrestled with for a while because of how ready he is to let Geralt kill him after Honorton.

He views his death as unavoidable and the events of Honorton an innevitability rather than a freak accident which suggests that this is something he's lived under the threat of all his life and he knows there's only one way forward.

He finally found the boundary. It's probably a relief.

In addition:

Him and Letho covered in blood, going around wasting fools is hot.

I can write whatever I want.

Hope this helps.

[battiesart]

How do you feel and what is ur opinion on people saying Kazuya is irredeemable for having killed people n such? since i've seen alot of people say that kazuya liking kaiji and being nice somewhat is unrealistic and ooc and saying he's violent and evil and will never became a decent human being

Uhmmm I'm gonna go ahead and answer this since I was talking about it the other day on twitter, but I should preface this by saying that questions like these feel a bit out of place for my art blog 😅 I'm not mad at you for not knowing, since I don't advertise it much, but you can always send questions like these to my main blog or my CuriousCat (I'll probably edit my sidebar on this blog with those links)

Anyway long-winded answer below the cut, since I love to talk about Kazuya

Whether or not you really believe Kazuya is redeemable or not comes down to just personal opinion. At the end of the day he's a fictional character. Me interpreting him as a redeemable person isn't me justifying or defending a murderer. If you disagree with me then it's fine because the whole point of fiction is facilitating different interpretations. It really doesn't bother me if people dislike my boukai works or how I depict him.

I've reread parts 3-5 about 3 times in the last year and I believe that despite Kazuya having killed people, the narrative makes it apparent that it's something he's never taken pleasure or joy in doing. In a lot of ways, I think his violence is a symptom of his upbringing, especially considering who his father is. But, having people grovel for him, having to push them to do violent things in his gambles, it's never something he seems to enjoy -- instead, I think it's him trying his hardest to be vindicated for his twisted worldview, wanting to be confirmed that his nihilism is justified and that he's correct in thinking people are irredeemable.

This scene in particular towards the end of part 3 I think is really telling towards his feelings, his anger prompts this response from Muraoka and he's clearly sick of people kissing up to him.

A lot of the violence in his gambles serve as motivation for the players to act out of "true human nature," AKA what Kazuya believes to be the truth, not necessarily because he wants to see people suffer. Kaiji immediately refutes him in this scene anyway, which you agree with as the reader.

As the Friendship Game progresses without issue, Kazuya loses motivation and interest to continue. He literally slumps over lmfao.. but I think it's indicative of the fact that these life and death gambles are just methods to affirm his own beliefs (especially when you consider how much he messes with the actual game to get the result he wants through the interviews, extending the time limit, etc etc).

As a character, Kazuya's whole schtick is that he hates his status and wants friendship. It's not even subtext, Kaiji literally says this to him towards the end of One Poker. It's mentioned constantly beforehand, too.

Much like Kaiji, Kazuya is a victim of violent & predatory capitalism, but in a different way, where his upbringing in the Hyoudou family has resulted in his inclinations towards violence and distrusting others (though I doubt sadism, considering he doesn't seem to enjoy the actual acts of violence, more just proving himself right when people start going insane).

Towards the end of One Poker, Kazuya begs for someone to rescue him, thinks back on his life with regret, and fully drops his confident persona as he fears for his life. He pushes back against Kaiji's claims that he's lonely (he is), refuses to back down even an inch and claim defeat, and it results in what would have been his actual death. In his final moments, all he can do is think about the love his mother showed him, realize he closed himself off from affection following her death, and sob.

So, I think that experience, his complicated feelings towards friendship and love, and realizing someone like Kaiji saved him just because he's a person, and not despite his cruelty or status, would really shake him to his core. He loses for the first time, is proven wrong entirely by Kaiji's resolve, and he'd probably reflect on everything and realize how wrong he's been about other people. Of course, that's what I think would be the natural course of events for his character -- especially considering his cruelty is a symptom of capitalism, and transcending what the system does to us is a core theme for all of FKMT's works. I think having a character who embodies predatory capitalism itself learn to trust others, abandon cruelty, and heal from his past is extremely powerful and what the story of Kaiji as a whole is about, in a lot of ways.

Anyway thanks for letting me write all this out LOL I love my insane little maniac and his struggles ❤️ Again, this is my interpretation of a fictional character, if you disagree, it's fine!

P.S. "kazuya liking kaiji and being nice somewhat is unrealistic and ooc" The man builds a grave for his gambling rival and people think he's not nice? Have we no chivalry? He reserved the entire restaurant that night just for them! 🙄

[foxtailapp]

All About Mental Health in BDSM Dating

This post is originally from Pleasure Uncensored by Foxtail. It can be found here.

BDSM dating can have an effect on a person's mental health. To understand, you must first understand what BDSM is.

  What is BDSM Dating?

  BDSM dating refers to dating in a subculture based on various rules and restrictions related to the interactions between people to meet sexual needs. BDSM stands for bondage, sadism, masochism, domination, and submission.

  These concepts comprise three relationship pairs: BD - bondage and discipline, DS - Dominant- submissive, and SM - sadomasochism.

  In general terms, BDs are time-limited sessions with a variety of practices and strict delineation of roles. Fixation, sensory deprivation, role-playing - all this refers to the BD. But, as a rule, this type of relationship with role-playing games and educational programs doesn't go beyond the bedroom.

  DS assumes a prolonged transfer of power over all or (more often) some areas of life. Example: The big boss of the house is subordinate to his wife in everything, including the need to wear thongs with flowers and go to the gym. Submission and domination can be both in the bedroom and extended a lifetime.

  SM is a painful stimulus to get pleasure. The sadist likes to torture, and the masochist enjoys to suffer.

  The main thing to understand is the fundamental principles of BDSM; without rules, it can turn from an exciting game into ordinary violence.

  A basic rule of BDSM is SSC which means Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

  How do you interpret SSC in BDSM?

    Safe = SECURITY.

  All parties involved will make every effort to preserve their physical and mental health.

  Sometimes it is complicated to avoid injuries: ropes pinch nerves, and blood vessels, games with breathing are fraught with suffocation, illiterate flogging leads to skin damage and internal organs. Thus, the main thing that a sane sadist starts with is the study of anatomy and safety.

  Sane = MIND.

  Life is not limited to games, and the participants in the process are adequate. This means you must have responsibility for what is happening, even if you are in a lower role. For example, the principle of safety in SM is impracticable without a sober assessment of one's own capabilities, regular monitoring of health status, and informing a partner about all potential problems.

  Consensual = VOLUNTARY

  Everything that happens, even the most painful and disgusting, happens according to an active and unequivocally expressed desire. This is one of the reasons why session scripts and practices are discussed in detail in advance. Otherwise, there can always be reticence, and game violence will turn into reality.

  Who likes BDSM?

    When psychologists began to study natural BDSM dating communities, a lot of exciting things turned out. People who practice BDSM are psychologically healthier than those around them. Typically they are more extroverted, more open to new experiences, less neurotic, and less prone to a range of mental disorders, for example, from depression to anxiety, paranoia, and (surprise!) pathological sadism.

  According to various estimates, 20% of the world's population is inclined to BDSM. These people use bondage, masks, and blindfolds. Unlike paraphilias like fetishism, BDSM attracts both women and men equally. Participation in BDSM, as a rule, does not cover the experience of childhood trauma and violence.

  BDSM practices do not interfere, and in some cases, even help establish close and trusting relationships between partners.

  Most people view BDSM as reckless, dangerous, and unhealthy, a phenomenon whose representatives are allegedly mentally ill people. However, this is actually not the case: BDSM is just a sexual preference that can benefit health.

      BDSM Dating and Mental Health

  Recent research on BDSM and its effects on the body has shown excellent results. Scientists find no evidence of harm caused by the psychosocial subculture of BDSM, but they are finding that it does have health benefits.

    Funny games of dominance and submission

  How do BDSM practices affect the psyche?

  In addition, researchers note that such practices can have a stimulating effect on self-awareness. For example, they connect the practice and mindfulness meditation, known to have beneficial effects on mental and physical health and reduce anxiety.

  Apparently, pain during BDSM practices helps focus attention on the sensations we are experiencing and immerses us in a meditative state and thereby helps to relieve tension.

  Studies of people practicing light BDSM practices did not reveal they have serious psychological problems. Moreover, in comparison with the control group, many respondents noted a higher level of subjective satisfaction with life. True, we are talking primarily about those who choose the dominant role or switch (they switch between dominant and submissive).

  Those in the submissive (i.e., subordinate) position reported less life satisfaction compared to dominant people. This is another reason to always pay attention to the psychological state of the participants in the process - and if the practices are not enjoyable, they should definitely be abandoned.

  Games of submission and domination require a certain level of intimacy. The willingness to trust a partner and allow himher to hurt himselfherself a little (with the ability to stop at the first signal), as expected, increases the level of trust in a stable pair.

  A slight fear develops into more excitement and interest in a partner.

  How can BDSM help?

  Fans of complex games claim that some perversions help eliminate anxiety, momentary worries, an endless stream of thoughts from which the head is spinning.

  Playing BDSM games involves the person in specific spaces that affect the person's state of consciousness.

  What is sometimes called the "topspace" is a beautiful place characterized by focused attention, optimal performance, and loss of self-awareness. Try it yourself, see how much you will be focused on your partner and what is happening at the peak of arousal.

  According to lovers of kinky sex, the whole room seems to disappear during their pleasures, leaving only the bed. Nevertheless, it is a poignant pleasure.

  There is also an alternate state that most people know about as "subspace." It is a light sense of submission. This condition is characterized by a decrease in pain, tension, and a return to complete peace and serenity.

  If you have had problems with your nervous system, BDSM dating can be a pleasant way to relieve symptoms.

  Another life hack: if a person suffers from heightened emotionality, spanking can be used for therapeutic purposes. How does it work? Impact pain creates the conditions for emotional release, for example, tears. This can be an effective but temporary solution.

  Should you try BDSM? It Depends.

  It would be best if you were more honest with yourself. Leave the imposed moral principles, and try for a moment to imagine yourself in the role of master or subordinate. Undoubtedly, many have experienced a slight excitement from just the thought of this, which is not surprising.

  A person does not have sex for procreation but for pleasure, so why not get the most of it? Role-playing games, toys from a sex shop, submission, and domination - all this variety in bed will help you get new sensations previously unknown. So when should you try BDSM?

  Long-term marriage in which people no longer feel the need to make love. This phenomenon is widespread everywhere, and it's just that people have become boring to each other.

    Lack of sex leads to moral and physical dissatisfaction, quarrels begin, and just everyday life becomes monotonous. To get a taste of life again, try BDSM.

  Dissatisfaction with regular sex. Many people complain that they are not satisfied with the sex. So, it's time not just to change the position but sexual intercourse as a whole.

  As we have already found out, BDSM allows you to get more aroused and get more pleasure from sex than an ordinary act.

  Stress and depression will go away if you use BDSM. Partners will be able to throw out negative energy during dominance and submission. By the way, the role doesn't matter - dominants and submissives alike get rid of negativity, and gain pleasure.

  So, what does BDSM mean?

  This is a standard sexual practice used by many couples (polls have confirmed). So, nearly all people cannot have mental disorders (right?), which means that it is simply stupid to classify BDSM as a perversion. You have to ignore public opinion and give your desires to the fullest.

  I recommend that you try this practice for a variety of relationships and mental relaxation. First, however, it is worth remembering a vital rule, BDSM is based on the voluntary consent of all parties involved.

  To prepare for such an experience, resolve to participate and not be influenced by a partner.

[laceymorganwrites]

Where do we go when we go?

Word Count: 3,356

Pairing: Law x reader

Song: Where do we go when we go? - Neck Deep

Warnings: cursing, suicidal themes

A/N: so i went a bit overboard with this… but I think I got a better understanding for Law´s character after writing this, after all those songfics for me are just a way to improve my writing and the understanding of certain characters.

GIF NOT MINE

Pain, pain go away,

Law was always in pain. Whether it was physically or mentally, a part of him always ached. Ached with anger, with misery, damage, ached with the desperate want of release. There was no denying he deserved it, he knew himself too well, maybe he was a bit of a masochist in the sense that he enjoyed it in some twisted way. It was the universe telling him how much of an asshole he was, how many bad things he did, how many innocent people he harmed. And the bad thing was that he wouldn´t stop. He´d rather suck up all the pain and not change his ways. He had to do this alone, as he did with the rest of his life. Solitude was the only way for Law. Come back another day,

But he didn´t want to feel like shit today. Fuck, not today. Not if there were any consequences for his behavior for once, not when there was actually something on the line. That being the first impression he would give to you. And he didn´t want to fuck that up like everything else in his life. Normally he´d say screw it, what did he think what some random stranger thought of him? They´d never understand him anyway, so fuck them. But Robin told him he´d never experience happiness if he just kept pushing people away. How could he say they´d never understand if he didn´t let them? And maybe she was right, which Law didn´t like to admit. If she was right, it wouldn´t be good for his ego. If she was right, everything in his life up until now would´ve been a lie. I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me.

He lived his life out of spite. Quite literally. Spite was the fuel that kept him going. Just the pure knowledge that people out there were outraged by him merely existing, it was just too pleasurable for the sadistic bastard. If others didn´t want him to live and do the things he did, that just spurred him on even more. His whole life was one big risk, one big fuck you to the world. And so far it´s paid him off with solitude. Which was good for him, it meant no people bugging him. Nobody could tell him what to do, he was free. And if the price of freedom was loneliness, he´d endure it. Because loneliness was all he´s ever known, he couldn´t know any better. And who the fuck would care if some pirate scum like him croaked because of his own stupidity, nobody would mourn him. I guess we'll never know, If when we´re gone there's a place to go.

Law thought about death too often, no doubt about it. He had everything planned out in his life, his goals, the solitude, that he´d never make any alliances and that he would never open himself up to another person and fall in love. Well, despite the fact that he somehow managed to break every single one of his stupid rules spoke volumes about the doctor. Maybe that was the reason why he suddenly was scared of dying and what would happen after his death. Before he just winged everything, taking all the risks he could. Yes, he might´ve had some plans, he always did and still does, but that doesn´t mean they are safe. In fact before his alliance with the Strawhats all of them were doomed. All of his plans were risky and ended up with him dying. But none of that mattered to him, why should it? It was his own fate, it didn´t affect anyone and nobody else had a say in his life, it was his decision. Or if we don't see anything at all,

Ever since he joined up with Strawhat, he couldn´t say that he saw his path as clearly anymore. Actually he didn´t see a fucking thing anymore. All the plans he made, all that he stood for, everything that happened in his life up until now, all of it was in vain. Just because of some fucking people who called themselves his friends. He didn´t need friends. And they were lying anyway, nobody could befriend him, Law was too much of an asshole on purpose for that. He was meant to be a loner, not a friend. He wasn´t meant to be protected by people, he wasn´t meant to be cared about. He didn´t want to be protected and cared for. He just wanted to be alone. Needless to say he didn´t believe any of the Strawhats when they proclaimed him their friend. Is that what we´re supposed to call faith?

But after he adjusted to the new circumstance, Law did manage to relax and open up a little. It was the survival of the fittest in the New World, one could only get by by adapting to one´s environment. And that´s just what he did. He had friends now, huh? He got especially close to Robin and Zoro, he felt as if he could be himself around them without being judged. They shared a lot of things, had a lot of things in common. They laughed about the same things and always knew what the other felt and needed in that moment. Law didn´t know what to think of that, it was weird. Why would anyone go out of their way to make friends that are that close to each other? To him getting close to someone meant betraying them and using the information they gave him against them. But with the Strawhats he felt like he could trust them oddly enough. He never trusted anyone in his life, not even himself. Hell, himself in the very least. But who knew, maybe his life wouldn´t be so miserable now that he found friends. Well if that is that, and it all just fades to black,

And then there was you. Law didn´t see you as a friend and he didn´t want you to see him as such. He didn´t want to be your friend. He wanted to be someone special to you, he wanted you to see him the way he saw you, as an angel. He didn´t want you to smile at him as you smiled at all the others, he wanted you to smile at him sweetly, a special smile reserved for him. Every time he saw you, his heart jumped. And every time he almost had a heart attack because that´s what he thought this strange feeling was. But after an analysis of all the other symptoms and a thorough talk with Robin, he finally acknowledged that he was in love. Another thing he swore he´d never be. Love was weakness, it was useless and only hurt. Maybe that´s why he was drawn to you. He wanted you to be his savior, bring out the best in him and then prove him right in betraying him. He wanted to make you love him as he loved you only to prove to himself that it wasn´t possible, nobody would ever love him, it only would be a lie. Love was just a camouflage for betrayal and sadism. That thought made him smirk. And we don't see anything at all, We don't see anything, What are you waiting for?

Maybe love wasn´t so bad after all. Maybe it was just faking to be misunderstood like he was. Maybe love too was pretending to have changed into something better when in reality it was laughing at everyone who believed in the petty lie. Nothing could change Law. Or that´s what he told himself. He knew better of course, but he didn´t want to admit it. Why would he? So everyone knew he was wrong? Hell no. Nevertheless he couldn´t get you out of his head, you disturbed his mind in the most inconvenient moments and he really couldn´t use this right now. Pain, pain go away, Come back another day, I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me. And I can't put my faith in a fallacy, I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me. The world is a funny place,

Law was never a person to crack jokes or laugh at them, jokes were a waste of time, something only desperate people tended to. He amused himself at his and others misery, their pain and agony, his own. He never was a person to be deemed funny, well, he did share the same dark humor with Robin, but overall he wasn´t really a funny person. That´s why you irritated him to no end, you who laughed at the things he said in an uncharacteristic try of humor. You giggled at his bitter comments and then gave him a shy smile, looking at him with all the hope in the world. Every time you smiled, or showed any other sign of affection, Law felt his heart sink into his chest and subconsciously smiled back, or he tried. The closest he ever got to a real smile was his usual sadistic smirk. It kicks you when you're down

And yet he couldn´t talk to you. Why was that? Why was it that whenever there was an opportunity he not only wasted it, but he screwed it up over and over again, making a complete fool out of him. Robin actually got so sick and tired of it that she almost called him out in front of the whole crew. But in a moment of better judgment she sought Law out in private to scold him. She was the one who set this whole date thing up today. Well, she forced Law to have night watch with you, snickering wickedly to herself. She clearly was more sadistic than the doctor could ever hope to be. And knocks you out when you get up again.

So there he was, in the cold of a winter island, standing guard and watching over the ship with you. You were very suspect of this whole ordeal, you just hoped Robin didn´t tell Law about that moment you accidentally let it slip how attractive and funny you thought he was. To tell the truth, you also became quite intrigued with the doctor ever since he joined up with you for the alliance. How could you not? Everyone was curious, it was only natural. And what would one do if someone like Law, a wandering book with seven seals, came along if not try to break every single one of them. But you quickly learned that you shouldn´t ever try to break them. Getting inside his head and trying to get personal information out of him was near impossible. Instead of telling you small, funny anecdotes, people that inspired him in his life, his goals and dreams, he only listed off all the gruesome things he´s done, all of his innocent victims, he went into extreme detail how much pain he has caused. I don't think it's worth suffering through.

Needless to see the rest of the night was quiet and uncomfortable. It left you wishing you never asked Law about himself, it made you wish you never even talked to him or did so much as glance at him. You hated being gloomy over silly things like that, he´d be gone if the whole plan was a success, or if it wasn´t. Maybe it wasn´t necessarily heartache you felt, maybe it was just the sheer disappointment of you trying to be nice to him and actually make an effort in trying to converse with him, yet it was all for naught. And quite honestly you were pissed at that. At least you told yourself it was disappointment instead of heartache, but you´d never admit to having such a stupid thing as a heartache, because that would mean you´d also admit to liking Law. But on the other hand, There's a world full of possibilities

Yes, it was childish. But so was Law´s behavior. As soon as you asked one little question about him, something trivial and unimportant, he closed up again and pushed you away. It was what he always did, something he couldn´t let go no matter how hard he tried. He felt so sorry after the things he said to you, the way he scared you off and yet he never actually apologized to you, he was just too embarrassed. And honestly Law wasn´t one to be good at formulating words. Sure, it was his charm, the way he could go from smug to dork in a matter of seconds, it was a personality trait that really warmed your heart and never failed to make you smile. And a million other people just like you

Then again Law wasn´t the only attractive man on the planet. There were others who exposed the same charming traits of him, but none of the bad ones. But did you really want to meet them? Did that really make them better than him? To you the bad things belonged to Law as much as his good ones. The only thing that really bugged you about him was how much he let himself be guided by his bad side, how much he defined himself over it as if he didn´t have a good one too. Who've all been through what you've been through,

All you wanted to do was to tell him he wasn´t alone. You wanted to figure out what made him the way he was, but he wouldn´t let you, you understood him too well. Everybody had secrets too dark to share, it was normal. So why did you want to rip off the band aid brutally and make Law´s wound bleed again? Maybe you were sadistic just like him. They were singing… Pain, pain go away, Come back another day, I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me. And I can't put my faith in a fallacy, I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me. I saw it all flash and pass by

There went his chance with you, Law thought. He wasn´t surprised at all at how much he fucked up again, it was the only thing he was half decent at. Yet it didn´t fill him with satisfaction like it usually would, instead the void inside of him only grew. When he told Robin about his struggles, she frowned at first before she started giggling. You also ranted about Law to her. Robin gave you the tip to be patient, Law would come around, he didn´t mean what he said and he didn´t know how to voice his affection towards others, let alone figure out he actually held those affections. With bright lights

You thanked her before leaving her with a smile. Patience, huh? You weren´t really a patient person, but you got it, you didn´t want to jump onto Law, getting all personal. It was stupid, the more you thought about it. You would´ve reacted the same way if someone asked you about your deepest, darkest secrets for the first time you talked. Well, maybe not exactly the same way, you´d turn to other measures than tell that person in detail how many people you killed and that their screams haunted you every night and you still didn´t regret it. Perhaps he was a lost cause, but perhaps he was also just a broken man, maybe he was both. Maybe the sadistic asshole stuff was only a facade of it all. But then again, probably not. And right before my eyes was the Exit sign.

Law has been lost so many times in his life, not even metaphorically speaking, he was just shit at orientation and never really knew where he was. So he was more than glad to be on a crew that had a great navigator, it just gave him a sense of security he needed in his life. He never had any sort of security or reassurance, his life was always hanging on a thread, not because of his sickness, well, not entirely because of it anyway. It was more like he kept fucking things up, real bad too. Law has always lived his life with death hanging at his back, death was always present in his life, whether he was awake or not. Sometimes it felt like the sweetest release on earth, sometimes it annoyed him to no end. I saw it all flash and pass by

Today was one of those days. He finally had some sort of false sense of security and happiness, he met people that genuinely cared about him, made friends, fell in love, yet he still felt death´s cold glare at his back, as if it was saying: “You´re next”. But he didn´t want to be. Not this time. For the first time in his life he actually took some care of himself, he watched out for any risks that could harm him or his friends. And asked why I wasted precious time,

It all made sense to him now, the way he lived his life before didn´t count as living, it was mere survival with a pinch or making others suffer and betrayal both of his side and behalf. Now it was different, he could open up to Robin and Zoro, they shared everything with each other, it felt secure. And without them he would´ve never reflected upon his actions and the words he said, the way he said them, the way he meant them and the way you understood them. And most importantly they gave him the guts to actually apologize to you, explain himself, at least a little. But that was a start, it was something. It just passed me by. It just passed me by.

In turn you did something he wasn´t used to, you forgave him. But you also apologized for asking such a personal and intimate question. “It´s fine, I guess that´s how you show that you care… if you do that is” he stumbled over his words again. But how could he not with you being so close to him? He could feel the way you breathed, your nervous ticks, the shy way you looked at him and the slight frown, the hurt in your eyes. “Of course I care… how could I not?” you whispered to prevent your voice from shaking from all the nervousness you experienced right now. We are just passing by. (Just passing by.) Just passing by. Oh, we are just passing by. (Just passing by.) Just passing by.

“Trust me, there are more reasons to not care about me than there are reasons to actually like me” Law bitterly commented and you pouted, making him smirk. It made him want to hug you and hold you close. But the way he knew himself, he´d tease you about it until you grew sick and tired of him and left. “Those are your reasons though, not mine. And frankly speaking, I don´t care about your reasons. I trust my heart and what it tells me” you crossed your arms, you looked like a mother scolding her child. Law´s smirk grew wider with every second he looked at you. “You know hearts can´t speak, right?” he remarked teasingly and watched your face go from disbelief, to disappointment, to the corners of your lips twitching to you bursting out into full on laughter.

And damn, if Law could make you laugh like that, he was doing something right in his pitiful life. A certain pride filled him when he saw you fighting for air and when you looked at him again, you started laughing again. “You´re an idiot” you giggled, finally breathing normally again. “I know” Law smirked awkwardly. Pain, pain go away, Come back another day, I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me. I can't put my faith in a fallacy, I don't wanna wait for that goodbye to see what could've been. And I just wanna get one up on life before it kills me.

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

[sunset-wishes-upon-hill]

Your recent text post got me thinking. So if vampires are really more human. So those who are clinically diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder become vampire ( lol I sound crazy) how will it manifest as trait in a vampire ? Hope this makes sense??

Sorry for taking so long with answering this question, I wanted to have a time to think it over before analysing the potential the disorder may have when translated into vampirism. 

ASPD doesn’t always equate to psychopathy or sociopathy. While in many respects, the symptoms found in people diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder mirror the symptoms commonly associated with psychopathy i.e. disregarding of the welfare of others, superficial charm, lack of guilt/regret, involvement in crime ranging range in severity from occasional bad behaviour to repeatedly breaking the law and committing serious crimes, manipulate/lie to others, act impulsively, seek stimulation through reckless activity, and maintain grandiosity.

TL;DR: sociopaths or psychopaths can be anywhere on a large spectrum ranging from the type of behaviour seen by remorseless serial killers, or the behaviour seen as a general disorder in emotional capabilities or accuracy. ASPD =/= psychopath or sociopath.

What is ASPD:

Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD or APD) is a personality disorder characterised by a long term pattern of disregard for, or violation of, the rights of others. A low moral sense or conscience is often apparent, as well as a history of crime, legal problems, or impulsive and aggressive behaviour. 

ICD-10 diagnosis:

It is characterised by at least 3 of the following:

Callous unconcern for the feelings of others

Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations

Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them

Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence

Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment

Marked readiness to blame others or to offer plausible rationalisations for the behaviour that has brought the person into conflict with society.

How would it translate to vampirisim:

The example of characters that exhibits few characteristics of ASPD would be James, Aro and to a certain degree, Caius.

Callous unconcern for the feelings of others

I imagine this would enable the person to be capable of cruelty and sadism in greater magnitude and easier adjust to vampire life. They are most likely to be human blood drinker.

Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations

Unless they were truly reckless and going out of their way to wreck havoc in human world, this would be a much easier task for them compared to human rules. 

Vampire world have few rules which you can get away with given you have reasonable control of your actions and self-preservation compared to myriads of rules in human society entrenched in every aspect of your daily lives i.e. pay tax, keep to speed limit, follow societal/cultural rules, pay bills etc.,

As a vampire, they only need to heed: no exposure to humans, keep hunting discreet (vampires need blood only few times a month) and kill/turn human that becomes aware of their existence. Simple and straight-forward.

Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them

Vampires are naturally solitary creatures, although I imagine they would be more recluse as vampire (i.e. Alistair) compared to your average vampires. 

Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence

This would make them more dangerous and aggressive compared to average vampire and perhaps more destructive and volatile if they were a member of coven.

Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment

This would go in hand in hand with no.1 characteristics in that they would more readily see humans as nothing but food and have no qualm in hurting or killing humans and even fellow vampires.

Marked readiness to blame others or to offer plausible rationalisations for the behaviour that has brought the person into conflict with society.

This could be seen as self-preservation or by others, cowardice. I think this could take in form of if they were ever in coven with others or they were brought to Volturi for questioning, they’d readily put the blame on either their coven mates or someone else knowing full well that they’d be killed in punishment or simply run away from conflict, leaving others to deal with the mess. 

When I said vampires are more human, turning into vampire simply amplifies who you actually are and without the human laws/societal or cultural norms to hold you back, your behaviour/actions most likely remain true to your desire.

I know there’s molecular evolution that may alter one’s constitution for example, vampires experience more powerful emotions so they could be swayed more readily by emotions than logic (I mean the whole fiasco with Volturi and Renesmee were quite dramatic and ‘emotionally’ fulled), they become more animal like comparable to a slightly more primitive version of homo sapien, but there’s lot more factors that determines what makes you ‘you’.

This got me thinking that turning into a vampire would wipe away any psychiatric disorder a person would have like it does for physical ‘imperfection’ (i.e. psychopaths have different brain structure so would it rewrite the brain structure to allow for amplification of emotional capacities as vampire) for genetic perfection. If it’s due environmental factors, I think those quality might simply be amplified but if it’s genetic factors, it could be altered during transformation.