#I don't trust it to give me academically sound information. I don't trust it to write summaries of reading for me. I don't fucking trust it

[mosspapi]

I swear to god dude if my mother sends me one more fucking article or course or whatever abt using ai in a schooling environment I'm actually going to combust

[msbluebell]

How We Fall For People Like James Somerton

We're all joking, but this James Somerton thing has me really fucked up.

I wasn't a huge fan of James. I saw a few of his videos and liked them. In the ones I saw he was calm and explained things straightforwardly and even the one or two times he said things against white women...well, that's language I've been seeing on Tumblr since I joined back in my tweenage years. I thought it was just a dismissive joke pointing out a frank reality.

I didn't watch him too much. Just a few videos. I kept meaning to watch more, but I didn't because sometimes I wanted something easier. But I regarded him sell because of how informed he seemed.

And that's the thing, isn't it? He SEEMED informed. He spoke confidently and sometimes quoted queer sounding articles and I trusted him blindly. And why? Because he was giving me information that SEEMED well researched.

Illumanaughtii too. I WAS a consistent fan of hers before other youtubers came out. Because she presented information really well and I like hand drawn characters and because she read academic sounding quotes. I trusted her and her information was stollen. And I feel like a fool for ever having trusted her now, but at least her stollen facts were apparently accurate. Maybe.

James though, he straight up lied. Todd in the Shadows went through a lot of effort to expose those lies. He did so much research that I didn't bother to do. And he admitted he only did it because he happened to know people more informed than him that noticed the lies and went down a rabbit hole.

And maybe if I was more involved I would have noticed. But that's beside the point. what's getting me is I didn't bother to check myself, I just blindly trusted.

And the worst part is I can see why it happened.

I work.

I work, and then I get home, and when I get home I stress. I stress about work I have to do tomorrow, or classes, or finding a new job that actually pays a livable wage. And to escape that stress I go online to AO3, or tumblr, but especially Youtube.

Because I like youtube, I like to have noise in the background while I work. I like to listen to things while I read. And some of the time it's ASMR videos, or watching someone cook something. But mostly? It's history things or video essays.

And when I'm working, or reading, I'll hear a fact, and I'll look up, and I'll think "Huh, that's interesting to know, I didn't know that." And I won't think anything about it.

Because I'm busy, or I'm tired. I'm tired from work, and I don't want to do more work. Or sometimes it's mental health. This is my coping mechanism. I'm trying to learn things, do something to distract myself. I'm not looking to disprove things.

In other words I'm lazy. Or, if I'm being kind to myself, I'm tired.

Maybe if the topic was something I was an expert in I would have noticed. I'm a former ballerina, I'm a failed history major dropout. Maybe if he'd said something like "Holodomor never happened" or "Boudica is a Finnish folk hero" I'd have noticed. Maybe.

But he didn't, and I didn't notice. I assumed he did the work, and why?

Because surely a gay man wouldn't spend hours on youtube talking about Queer history if he wasn't passionate. Because he, a queer man, would surely know about queer history. Surely he wouldn't want to spread lies and hate. And he's quoting from books and articles so why wouldn't I trust him?

My trust was blind and unfounded.

And now I'm reeling from that. I'm reeling because I'm starting to feel like I can't trust a lot of people. How can I listen to any Youtuber casually now?

I can't, I never should have assumed I could.

Now every informative video feels like I need to do tens of hours of research just to be sure what I'm hearing is true. I feel like I can't trust anything unless I do.

James Somerton took my trust.

And it's not only that either. That's not what scares me the most. It's that there are THOUSANDS of people like me. Millions like me. Who are learning something from a video or a tweet or a tumblr post from someone they assume is an expert and are blindly trusting because they assume they can trust it. They don't intend to do their own research because they're tired, or don't know how. And that scars me. I was a history major, I studied tyrants and misinformation and the rise of propaganda, and I, with all my tools to notice, was still blind.

You cannot blindly trust a video, you cannot blindly trust a tweet, you especially cannot blindly trust a tumblr post.

YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE TO PROPOGANDA

[sophieinwonderland]

An Anti-Endo's Playbook

Hello! Are you an anti-endo looking to convert people to your cause? Well you're in luck because I have the guide for you!

As more studies come out supporting endogenic systems, arguing against pro-endos is becoming harder every day. But let me tell you a secret, people aren't perfectly logical machines. We're emotional and irrational. You don't need science or logic on your side. Instead, your job is to exploit that irrationality.

Let's start with something simple.

Argument by Assertion "Endos Aren't Scientifically Possible."

This is your opening and is possibly the most effective tool in your toolbox. Just say something and repeat it ad nauseum.

See, you don't need to be right. You just need to be confident and state what you want people to believe as a fact. Then repeat it again and again.

Propaganda experts might also call this The Big Lie.

People are social creatures and naturally trusting, so if you say something bold and confidently, they're going to be inclined to believe you. You don't actually need to provide any scientific evidence to support your case, or quotes from doctors, or anything else. Just keep repeating that endos aren't scientifically possible over and over again.

This might not sound effective, but there's a reason a third of the United States still thinks the 2020 election was rigged. If you're confident and don't waver for a moment, and keep repeating the lie, people will believe you.

But... what about the people that don't? What if an endo starts citing actual sources that contradict your claims. Normally, I might suggest finding sources of your own, but given the complete lack of support anti-endos have in academic papers, this may prove impossible. Luckily, we have more tricks up our sleeves.

Appeal to the Masses "Everyone Agrees That Endos Aren't Real."

As we all know, science isn't determined by scientists. Science is a democracy where anyone can vote. That's why even though scientists say we use all of our brains, we can know that the truth is that we only use 10% of our brains, because that's what most people believe and there have even been movies about it and stuff.

This is an the appeal to the masses.

Likewise, most people don't believe in endos. Or at least, that's what you say. See, you probably don't have any reliable polls on hand to back up that assertion, so we're kind of combining techniques here. We're appealing to the masses, but without evidence the masses agree with us, we just kind of have to assert it. As long as it sounds true, then people will believe it.

Like how I bet most people believed me when I said "most" people think we only use 10% of our brain. It SOUNDS like it could be true, and confirms our pre-existing biases that humans are kind of stupid, and that's really good enough isn't it?

What if this still doesn't work though? What if the endos keep demanding evidence?

Well, you can just give them too much of it.

The Gish Gallop: Source Overload

(Example)

You may be wondering, since I mentioned that there aren't any sources that support anti-endos, how this will work.

First, let's take a moment to understand the Gish Gallop. This debating tactic is most commonly associated with live debates where you throw out a bunch of nonsense claims that your opponent doesn't have time to answer because refuting them would take more time than you're allotted. Then when your claims go unanswered, it tricks spectators into thinking the claims are true.

This isn't generally as effective online where people can take hours to compose a response if they want... except...

The online equivalent of this is to overload your opponent with too many junk sources so that they can't debunk them all.

These do not need to support your point in any way. And you should NEVER screenshot them. Remember, your goal isn't to make the information accessible to your opponent. It's to keep the pro-endo occupied reading a 30-page document to try to figure out what it means and how it relates to what you're saying.

If the pro-endo does debunk your first paper, call them out for not addressing your other 20 articles too. Make them out to be ignoring evidence.

If they do call out this tactic and ask for a screenshot or quote of specific lines that back up your argument, respond by self-righteously telling the endo that it's not your job to educate them.

Speaking of education, what do we do about the endo sources?

Ad Hominems: Attacking the Researchers

Ad hominems are great for combating sources.

At the most basic level, you can get a lot of mileage out of throwing around the word "quack" a lot without finding any dirt on the researchers.

You might want to also claim the research is biased in some way. Say for example that a researcher has a hypothesis and they conducted an experiment to test that hypothesis. You can say that this makes the whole experiment biased and therefore should be dismissed because the research already had an expected outcome. Someone might counter and say that most scientists start with a hypothesis. But luckily, a lot of lay people won't realize that.

Let's say, for instance, that someone cites this paper on Vineyard Evangelicals who hear the voice of God as an example of non-traumagenic plural-like experiences.

Instead of addressing the merits of this paper or discussing whether hearing an autonomous and seemingly self-conscious voice identifying itself as God is plural or plural-like, you can look up to see if any of the 200,000 members of the Vineyard Church have ever reported negative experiences. Get one article with people calling it cult-like, and then accuse the endo of using "abusive sources."

Other Strategies For Dismissing Papers: Just Make Up Reasons Why Studies Are Invalid

For these, we're going to rely again on our argument by assertion, and assert some qualifiers for why a study should be dismissed.

First, accuse a study of being outdated.

Now, science doesn't actually have an expiration date. There is some research out there that may be outdated in the way that newer research comes out that disproves it. But in the absence of further research, old papers are generally considered useful, and it's not uncommon to see professionals today still cite sources dating back to the 80s or earlier.

But if you just throw out a number of years for research to expire, you can be sure that many people will take it at face value. But be careful with this. People might believe that 20-year-old research is too old. But it will be harder to sell them on something like "any research older than 5 years is outdated." That's going to be a problem when a lot of endogenic research is actually pretty recent, coming out within the last decade.

Another tactic you can try is to Attack the Domain.

As we're all taught in middle school in the US, only .gov and .edu sources are valid.

This is an oversimplification and is no longer applicable in higher education. But luckily, you're not targeting educated individuals. If you're making this argument, the ones you're probably trying to convince will be traumatized children between the ages of 14 and 17. And for this demographic, this argument is perfect. Not only have they never been to college themselves but neither have anyone in their friendgroup.

They have no concept of what counts as valid source in academic settings, and it's your job to keep it that way. Indoctrinate them young, and they'll stay yours forever.

Demonizing The Enemy: "Endos are Harming Real Systems"

This can take many forms.

At the basic level, you can do the anecdotal "endos are bad because they said mean things about me once." (Be sure to remove any context of things you may have said or did to them first.) There are plenty of endogenic systems out there in the world, and some are going to be cruel and abusive. Just like any other group.

These people are useful to your cause. If you ever had contact with abusive endos or pro-endos before, make sure that you write in detail about your bad experiences and specifically make it clear that they weren't an endogenic system who happened to be bad, but they're bad because they're endogenic. Also, if they're a traumagenic pro-endo, be sure that in your post you just refer to them as an "endo." The goal is smearing the entire endogenic community, and differentiating between abusive endos and traumagenic pro-endos will detract from that goal.

A well known example is the term "traumascum." Despite the fact that its coiner is traumagenic and most of the endogenic community dislikes it, it's important that when you make your emotional arguments to show why endos are bad, you only refer to it as being created and used by "endos."

If you really want to go all-in on this, something else you can do is...

Blame Endos For All Ableism

For this part, you want to try to convince people that any fakeclaiming or ableism they've ever experienced is because of this small niche group of systems on the internet.

In actuality, fakeclaiming DID systems has happened for a long time. The Imitated DID narrative was heavily pushed in all the way back in the 90s. And many of the people fakeclaimed today are TikTokers who are IDing as traumagenic DID systems.

Don't let these facts stop you though.

For the first part, the good thing is that, as I said before, many of the people you're trying to convince are children. If you tell them that fakeclaiming is worse today than ever before, who are they to argue? They have no frame of reference. They're usually younger systems who have only known that they're systems for a few years.

For the second, you can just ignore it. Or better yet, just label all the "cringe" systems as endos, regardless of whether they are or not.

Is calling traumagenic systems "endos" fakeclaiming their trauma? Sure.

But really, you fakeclaiming their trauma is really the endos' fault. If they didn't exist, then you wouldn't be able to call people endos, now would you?

See how smoothly that works?

All Anecdotes of People Who Thought They Were Endogenic Are Proof Endos Don't Exist

Anecdotes are your best friend. If you can find a small handful of people who previously thought they were endogenic and turned out to be wrong, you can weaponize this against all endos.

You can use these anecdotes as both proof that endos don't exist AND that they're harmful to real systems at the same time.

This particular tactic has also been used to great effect by anti-transgender groups, using a small handful of detrans people as proof that transitioning doesn't work and as a means of limiting trans rights. The success of these groups at spinning that narrative is how you can know that this tactic is effective!

More Ad Hominems: Attacking the Opposition

Yup. We're bringing in more ad hominems. This is one of the most important tools in your belt. If you feel like you're losing an argument, you can just attack the person you're arguing with. Actually, you should do this before the argument even starts.

Discrediting your enemy right at the beginning, making people see them as a bad person, will immediately make people not want to associate with them and even make them inclined to disagree with whatever they say.

So try to dredge up anything you can on them to weaponize. Or just casually accuse them of being something-phobic or something-ist.

Calling them ableist is easy. You can shout out ableism accusations right from the start just on the merits of being pro-endo.

If they're a spiritual plural, you can call them racist. This works easiest with tulpamancers since tulpa has a Tibetan etymology. (And don't worry; you won't need to pretend to care about appropriation outside of this context, such as the tulpa appearing in creepypastas or media like Supernatural or X-Files, or Genshin Impact's Hydro Tulpa boss. This is about winning an argument, not being morally consistent.) But it can work with any sort of spiritual system. If you're feeling particularly bold, you can actually claim that all possession states around the world are closed practices and anyone who claims spiritual plurality is appropriating these cultures.

Also, if they use the word "sysmed," because this is derived from transmed, be sure to call them transphobic because they're appropriating trans words. Pay no mind to if they're transgender themselves, or how little sense it would make to appropriate their own language.

Bully into Submission

If simple ad hominems don't work, dogpile and bully them into silence. Invite your friends to join in. Bombard them with constant hate posts and harassment.

The goal here is not to convert people to your side, but to remove them from the conversation. Keep the accusations going. Make up rumors about them. Try to falsely report them to get them banned. You want to make them suffer so much that they never want to post again. To ensure, one way or another, that there is one less pro-endo in the world.

This will work best on people who themselves are traumatized and vulnerable. Luckily, there are a lot of people like that in the pro-endo community you can silence this way.

Be warned though of the emotional tank.

These people have personalities that can tank a shocking amount of abuse and emotional damage, and even turn abuse they receive around and use it as a talking point against your side. They take the old adage of "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" to heart.

If you try to harass an emotional tank, rather than silencing them, you're likely to only make them stronger and more determined.

Speaking of traumatized people...

Try To Make People Associate Endos With Trauma

Remember to know your audience. And your audience is a group of trauma survivors.

If you really, really want to ensnare them, play on that.

Use it to your advantage. One super simple way to do this is to throw around cult accusations. Just saying endos are a cult will immediately trigger cult survivors and make them want to avoid the pro-endo community.

A more complicated version of this can be done if an endo mentions that we don't have proof that DID or OSDD forms from trauma 100% of the time.

What you want to say in this situation is that "to prove all cases of DID come from trauma, you would need to traumatize children."

You can add a line specifically accusing the endo of wanting to traumatize children, or just let the implication hang in the air.

Now, someone paying attention might recognize that such a study couldn't prove what it claims to. Just like if you did a study where you hit a bunch of people in the arm with a hammer and broke their arms, you couldn't prove that 'all broken arms are caused by hammers.'

But you aren't saying this because you think it's logical. You're saying this because you're trying to get your audience of survivors of childhood trauma to think of endos as people who want to traumatize children.

If you can properly trigger them, then that rational part of their brain will just shutoff and they won't question your premise or logic too much.

How to Keep People Once Indoctrinated

Remember, the conversion process is only the beginning. After that, you want to make sure that they stay anti-endo. A good place to start is to...

Make Sure Friendship is Contingent on Them Being Anti-Endo

Pull people into anti-endo servers that have strict rules against pro-endos and even neutrals. Post "pro-endos" in your DNI to make it known that you don't ever want to interact with any pro-endos.

At the same time, encourage them to cutoff pro-endo friends and avoid pro-endo spaces. Ideally, you want the convert isolated from anyone who might be able to change their minds in the future.

Once you've cut them off from all pro-endos, their only system friends will be in the anti-endo community. And if they ever step outside of that box, they'll be instantly banned from their anti-endo servers and blocked by their anti-endo "friends."

With this, not only have you converted them, but you can reliably keep them on your side forever. Or at least, until they're willing to destroy all their relationships with other systems online in order to get out.

Just Let The Endos Do It For You

Endos thesmelves will actually be your secret weapon in this endeavor.

It's a well-known fact that hate breeds more hate. If you fakeclaim someone, they're going to be angry, and will likely resort to personal attacks. Once your newly-converted anti-endo has been successfully indoctrinated, get them to make some public anti-endo posts. The more hateful and invalidating, the better. Preferably where pro-endos can see.

When endos respond respond to the convert's hate post by sending hate of their own, it will only confirm that endos are actually hateful. It doesn't matter who started it. It only matters that you get an angry reaction out of the endos.

And the more the endos react to hate with more hate, the more the convert will double down.

The absolute worst thing for you as an anti-endo would be if endos stopped responding to hate with more hate of their own, and took a moment to consider if how they're reacting is actually in the best interest of their cause, of if they're just being baited into lashing out from hurt and anger themselves.

[cleos-cafe]

Obey me! Brothers with a MC who is overworked (pt.1)

Welcome back! I hope you are having a good day, please enjoy the content dear reader.

Pt. 1 (you're here) | Pt. 2 (soon)

-Sincerely with much love Dahlia★.

Summary: The exams season is just around the corner at RAD and this time you plan to give your best (as you usually do). So you decide to study one night with the "cramming*" method. Clearly this leaves consequences on your sleep schedule and so on. How would the brothers react to find you in this situation?

TW: mentions of lack of sleep, skipping meals, poor mental and physical care, stress overload, small mention of academic validation in some parts. Please stop reading if any of the topics make you uncomfortable.

Dictionary:

Cramming: the practice of working intensively to absorb large volumes of information in short amounts of time. It is often done by students in preparation for upcoming exams, especially just before them.

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛༶•┈┈⛧┈♛༶•┈┈⛧┈♛༶•┈┈⛧┈♛༶•┈┈⛧┈♛

Lucifer

Everything had started off simple, Lucifer decided to check for you at night as he used to do to make sure his brothers didn't leave the house late at night.

He knew that you had been making an effort to study and although on several occasions he praised you for your commitment, he was also worried that you were taking it to extremes.

Which was an accurate suspicion when he saw the light in your room still on, he simply sighed and went into your room.

His original plan was just to ask you to stop what you were doing and go to bed.

But the moment he noticed how you were biting your nails while you were anxiously moving your leg and trying to write clearly, he changed his plans.

The first thing he noticed was that you had headphones on, those headphones were given to you by Levi so they had sound cancellation.

Slowly he approached you and took off those headphones carefully, trying not to scare you in the process, then he put them aside and leaned towards you.

"MC you should go to sleep, I know you are anxious about the exams, but you need to rest properly if you want to give it your all, how about you collect your books and study material while I prepare some tea for you?"

Trust me, after that he will make sure you rest.

If you didn't get sleepy after you had that tea Lucifer started talking about how it was bad for you about exerting yourself (even though he does the same thing).

If you even mention that he does the same thing you'll get a look from Lucifer.

But you're right! Although your comment only made Lucifer start a lecture about how you being human makes your body incapable of sustaining a hard workload unlike him.

Hey, at least you're already asleep after listening to him talk for a long time.

After that encounter Lucifer somehow becomes more gentle with you, doesn't push you as much with some things and checks on you more often. He even brings you a snack or two from time to time.

"Remember that you are part of the family, we care about you a lot and I worry about seeing you neglecting yourself by overworking yourself and while I'm proud to know that you take things seriously I don't want you to hurt yourself in the process either. If you think I can help you with anything feel free to come find me, I'm available to you anytime."

Mammon

He would probably be the first one to notice something is wrong with you.

Usually hangs a lot around you and, now that you suddenly seemed to be occupied was pretty shocking for him.

He was making his way to your room since he wanted to spend some time with you (leave the man alone, he misses you).

Once he barges (it's that how it's spelled?-) into your room, he's surprised to see you biting your nails and almost pulling your hair.

Okay he may not be as gentle as Lucifer, literally rushing to you and grabbing both of your hands.

"Hey! Wat'cha think ya doing human?! Get yo hands out of your hair right now!"

Literally panicked the moment he smelled blood.

(Yeah the demons can smell blood, you can't change my mind).

Literally took car of you afterwards, he took he's time wrapping your fingers in band aids.

I think he would've take his time combing (again is it spelled like that? ಥ_ಥ) your hair carefully, even asked Asmo to let him borrow some products that could help with your scalp and hair.

After that incident he's a lot more aware of how much time you spend studying.

Will drag you outside or to you bed, he'll make you take a brake once in a while.

"I know ya' worried about exams and stuff and, even if I can't exactly help you with it.... It's important ya' take some breaks, k? So don't go worrying The Great Mammon like and take some breaks will ya?!"

Leviathan

He was one of the few who knew you were gonna study a lot.

After all you told him you were gonna have a break from your weekly hang out plays since you wanted to study.

He was kinda sad but he didn't tell you, since after all he knew your grades were important.

(Bc literally, you're and exchange student. It's supposed to be your duty to have good grades for the program)

Although that didn't mean he couldn't be in the same room with you right?

But of course, who would like to have just some company of a yucky otaku like him, right?

Well you do.

To summarize it, he knew about you stu(dying)but it took him a whole time actually do something about it.

After asking if you wanted to have him in your room (which you obviously said yes), he got his console and walked towards your room.

Did you forget about him coming to your room? Yes-

He was pretty shocked (not in a good way actually-) once he saw 1st his fast you were chugging that D- Energy and 2nd the amount of empty cans around the floor and desk.

"H-hey! Stop drinking it right now! Do you know how harmul that is?!"

Actually worried sick about you.

Did he have the same habit? Yes he does. Is he more worried about you then himself? Double yes.

He's very much aware of how harmul is a ton of caffeine in your body.

And after he forced you to take a break he starts rambling about how a lot of D- Energy can affect you.

He makes sure to be in the same room as you when studying after that.

The moment he sees you taking a bunch of D- Energy or sees how much you're stressing yourself, he steps in and makes you have a break but playing with you.

"I know this isn't something I usually say- but I'm worried about you okay? And I don't want you to be in so much stress so- if it's anything I can help you with, I'll do it okay? Ejem- n-now there's a few new features added to MonokeLand! Y-you wanna see them?"

[rubiatinctorum]

During my second bachelor's degree, a year-long program, a lot of strange (and often unpleasant) things happened, in part by virtue of putting ninety people used to academic rigor and student silence during lectures together in a program with all the intensity of a social club, where school becomes a great deal of filling out children's worksheets asking us to call ourselves 'smart.' But one series of things in particular happened during the year that I'm still not sure the nature of, but one way or another, it's unkind to someone.

There was a student in some of the classes that was often rather polite to me, but an early experience set us off on, in my mind, not the best of notes. He was telling a personal anecdote that I think had to do with his home and family, and my friend sitting next to me happened to sneeze. No fault of her own; most people don't choose when they do that. At best, a person can feel it coming a few seconds in advance and try to aim the blast away from their peers/electronics/general area. And, like I generally do, I passed her a quiet "bless you." I thought nothing of it. That is what I do when people sneeze, in part out of habit, and in part because I don't want any of my friends to end up being the person at the table whose sneeze is unaddressed. It's the little things that count when it comes to letting your friends know you cherish them. Anyway, class ends, or the mid-class break starts; either way it's not instructional time. And this student approaches the table and solemnly informs us that someone was disrespectful and laughed (and it sounded like it came from this table). I manage to slip out before I can hear much of the rest, but it sounded like my friends got a little talking to about respecting others. I don't think he blamed them overtly, but the implication was there.

Why didn't I tell him it was a sneeze and a response? Well, to be honest, it took a while for me to connect what he heard as a laugh to what really happened. I didn't understand that day why he told off my friends at my table. Only pieced it together later.

We had a few conversations after that, because as much as you here may know me to be an asocial, somewhat unpleasant, and deeply suspicious person, I try to be cordial in real life. I care a great deal for decorum when I must, and I didn't want to give him any more suspicion toward myself or my friend group. Then, one day on an awful two-week work term, one of my classmates told me to watch out for him, that he was a womanizer, and he wasn't respectful to women.

I trust her. She was one of the first people in the program to show me kindness often, and throughout the year, she was generous with her compliments, company, and a clementine. I miss her greatly. And, girls watch out for each other, right? Much of me still does not disbelieve her.

The work term went by, and thankfully ended. The rest of the fall semester dragged along with troubles with transportation and at home, and the rapid decline of my mental wellbeing bleeding into my interpersonal connections puts the patience of my friends to the test. By the start of the spring semester, the social lineup was clear. The group of three from our table in the first term turned into a group of two and one desperate satellite.

(I'm sure they wouldn't think of it that way. I know I wasn't the easiest to be around in those days, either. But for the rest of the program, I no longer enjoyed the same degree of company with them I had before. I was surprised at convocation that they were disappointed I wasn't sticking around long enough so they could get some pictures with me.)

Between the in-class semesters, I had another, longer work term. They were the best of times and the worst of times. This isn't the time or place to elaborate.

And then, the spring semester. Somewhere along the way, numbers dropped from ninety to eighty-four. Part of me was amazed I wasn't among the number missing, after that work term. What's relevant to this right now is that one of the students was no longer a student, but listed under a different category I can't remember the name of, basically meaning he'd observe class, but not have to do the assignments. I don't know if he observed many classes, but the social justice one was the only one I ever saw him in after.

At some point in the program, another student passed this information along to me, like a secret. There seemed to be speculation among classmates as to what this meant. I can't say I didn't wonder. Every now and then he'd try to converse with me. I can't say I didn't feel guilty, harbouring a suspicion of him since the very first term after my friend's allegedly insensitive sneeze, trying to be careful due to my other friend's warning about him, and having accepted speculation through the grapevine about his enrollment status in the program.

Did I start trying to avoid him when I'd hear him in the hallway? Perhaps. He's not the only one I did it to. There were a couple or a few people, for different reasons. Frankly, I didn't often feel very talkative in my limited time between classes, or before them. I did spend my mornings hammering away on a mobile rhythm game alone at the end of the hall, nervous when strangers would come to speak to me because I guess there was no one else around, and I was there day after day for an hour or more. In a program that only got more and more based on social connections and group projects, I had basically given up trying to be social, except with a few people.

One morning, while I waited at the end of the hall for classes to begin, one of the professors talked to someone I think was also a professor. He had the reputation in the program of being grandfatherly, but I didn't find that at all. If he was, I'd hate to know what kind of grandfathers they had. This guy had already told the cohort he would only say nice things during our observations, didn't say a single nice thing during mine, and then breached my data by giving the shitty review to the email address of a student he wouldn't even tell me the name of, so he'd already blown my chances at being #1 Prof. Anyway, one day I heard him talking about the student (or, the whatever the term is I forget when someone is taking the lectures but not the assessments) to this other prof. Saying that he's difficult, that he's rude, and complaining a lot about him in a way I'd never heard him speak so directly in a negative manner before, even in my awful observation report. I don't know if he realised I was at the end of the hall, and indeed, listening, or not.

I've seen the fellow since, at work once when I was called in to the same building as he was for the day. I never ever asked what the whole deal was about the status on the enrollment that didn't say 'student' when everyone else's did. It's not my business. I didn't think people could get their work cert without doing the program as a student, but what the hell do I know?

I can't make sense of all of it. Either everyone was telling the truth, and this guy was rude to everyone who mentioned him (except for me?), and a womanizer, and suspicious, and to be gossiped about, and condemned by academic staff that pretended otherwise to adore everyone. OR. (and this is where the conspiratorial part of my brain kicks in; I don't thoroughly believe this, but I'm paranoid about it) it was a social experiment to plant someone in the cohort that students and staff were put up to spreading gossip and rumours about as part of the plan, to see who would take the bait and therefore was unfit to work in such a people-oriented profession. Did the other people give those warnings and complaints because they meant it and were fine with the gossip, or did they do it because they were instructed to in order to test the social mettle of the potential candidates for the profession? Probably the former, but sometimes, I can't help but to wonder if it's the latter, because of my paranoid nature. Was someone trying to catch me, and probably other students too, out on a crime of morality, to prove we will believe unproven warnings about a person who has otherwise appeared polite for the sake of mitigating personal risk? Was it a damn social experiment? Or did I somehow get the nice treatment from someone many others in the cohort including one of the profs had seen to be a menace?

It makes me uneasy to think about.

As courses start again, and I'm going into only my second September since I was a very young child where I do not have to attend courses or classes as a student, I sometimes miss university. But, what I feel nostalgic for isn't that program, or that year. It's the early days, when I was taking dry 9 am lectures with other people my age rather than getting tangled in the gossip and fraught social dynamics of people few to many years my senior.

[thelostgirl21]

Seriously, I wish people would stop reading into my tone so much, and trust my words when I communicate.

If I say I'm not being dismissive of your thoughts and ideas, I'm not being dismissive of your thoughts and ideas.

If I say I'm fine with you holding and sharing views that differ from mine, then I'm fine with you holding and sharing views that differ from mine.

If I seem to struggle with understanding a concept and I say it makes no sense, it's always it makes no sense TO ME (how in the world could I ever know how it makes sense to others?! I'm not in their brains, and can only speak for myself!!! It makes no sense *TO ME* that I could ever be saying that what you say makes no sense to anyone else but myself!!!)!

If I ask "how else can this be understood?" or "how else am I supposed to understand this?", I'M NOT ACCUSING YOU OF BEING UNCLEAR, FOR FRAK'S SAKE!

I'm genuinely asking you to explain your own interpretation, so I can conceptualize where you are coming from, and how you are perceiving things!

It means I really, sincerely, don't understand what you are trying to say to me, am asking for a pause and for some clarification, and will likely continue to ask the same question over and over again until you either frame that explanation in a way that makes sense *TO ME*, or I can see we utterly fail to connect on that subject, and should simply move on.

"You sound like you're trying to dismiss...", "It seems like you think..."

I have no idea how to properly convey tone in written forms of conversation, and am usually more comfortable communicating while phrasing things in a way that I've been told "sounds academic".

That's literally just how I talk and how my brain works. I'm not attempting to "sound pretentious" or anything. I speak that way.

And while I interpret informations and draw conclusions based on whatever data and information I've got available, I will readily change and modify it in light of any new information that comes my way.

I make tons of connections between information all of the time and get fascinated by them, and see the world as a bunch of ideas and concepts.

Please don't mistake my enthusiasm or assertiveness when speaking about any subject I'm passionate about with stubbornness or rigidity.

On the contrary, my thoughts and ideas remain extremely fluid and flexible, and I'm not scared in the least of being wrong and of making mistakes. I have no ego in that sense.

I'll be the first to embrace being mistaken as mistakes are an absolutely fantastic learning tool.

How else would I be expected to grow?

I can't easily change my tone, but I can clearly state my intent using words.

So, if I say "that's not what I meant", and especially "that's not how I meant it", can you at least give me the frakking benefit of the doubt, and give me time to clarify my thoughts and find a way of phrasing them that will hopefully allow you to understand the message I'm sending, before assuming you know what I intended to say better than I do basing that assumption on how I sound?

And perhaps, conceive of the thought that there's a huge difference between thinking you may be right and knowing you're right with absolute certainty.

Other P.O.V. being valid does not mean I remotely have to agree with them, or say they are right, either. Simply respect that people see things differently than I do.

And I do.

I may be wrong and you may be right. Or I may be right and you may be wrong.

Hopefully, you think you're right; otherwise I see absolutely (I SEE... my opinion / perception / interpretation... Look, I'm not taking any chances anymore by this point!) no point in you arguing something that you believe to be deeply wrong.

Do people do that outside of playing devil's advocate? Or listing possibilities they've yet to make up their minds about?

How does this even work?!

Ah, for me?! Or to me?!

Look, I'm wondering how does this even work, but without denying the possibility that it may make sense and work for others...

Ah...

What I'm trying to say is "I'm basically confused about why we're supposed to feel self-conscious or "bad" about thinking or hoping we've got the right interpretation, until we detect a flaw in our logic and then come up with a new one in light of new information we've gathered, or being exposed to/gaining some novel perspective on a subject..."

Does that make any sense?

But yeah, I am utterly unable to tell if people are bored or upset with a subject when I'm talking or arguing with them in person...

So how can I be expected to read into what kind of emotions my arguments are going to inspire in others, or what part of my phrasing might upset them, if no one is telling me how to rephrase thing?

Especially when it's just words on a screen with no clear tone indicator.

"When you say this, it makes me feel this, perhaps you could phrase it like that instead?" would be extremely helpful!

Rather than "you sound like this" or "you're making it sound like that..."

I can't figure it out by myself. I don't hear that "sound". It's a very abstract notion, the idea that my arguments might "sound" like anything.

I need clear rules and systems to properly communicate. That's just how I'm wired, and no amount of wishful thinking or good will on my part is going to magically make me be able to hear those subjective sounds coming off my words.

[thevirgodoll]

Hi Virgodoll! I gave a presentation today at work that I think I bombed it. Also, I noticed in the shoutout chart that no one gave me one, so I asked leadership if I could give myself a shoutout. They said yes, so I publicly gave myself one. It felt good to acknowledge myself when no one did.

No matter how much I practice, I just can’t seem to give presentations the way I see most professionals do. I end up smiling and kind making weird funny faces. It could come off as unserious, but I’m actually doing that to reduce my anxiety.

I’m a very articulate person, but I lose my train of thought and can’t seem to express myself when giving presentations via zoom. I mix up words, phrases, tenses, etc. it’s strange cause I’m a damn good writer! It also sucks cause I’m a Black woman and I don’t want people thinking idk what I’m talking about. I do good work, but struggle with presenting it via zoom.

I asked leadership what they thought of my presentation. They said I did very well. For some reason I feel like they are just being nice. I always feel like I’m talking gibberish whenever I’m giving presentations.

I worry about how I’m perceived at work and how everyone thinks I’m dumb and can’t speak properly. Arghhh!

Any words of encouragement, constructive criticism, and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

I agree, it's good to acknowledge yourself and give yourself your flowers when no one else does. Believe me, it will happen more often than you think in the academic and corporate world.

However, I think you are falling victim to upwards comparison. What good is it to look at other people at work speak when they aren't you? They're probably boring, to be honest. While you can manage your facial expressions by doing speeches in the mirror, who told you the way you exist is wrong?

When it comes to speeches and talking to people, I just treat it like a conversation and let one thought carry me to where I need to go. I appeal to the audience I am talking to and adjust based on small pieces of information I gathered from them during a lunch break or the original interview. If you focus more on the fact that they're regular people and YOU are the star of the moment, it's easier to focus. That sounds delusional, but let it be.

It's easy to say "stop worrying how others perceive you" and I think that's a load of BS to serve that to y'all. We always worry about how we are perceived. I say focus on that anxiety and worry. Ask yourself what they could possibly be noticing. Why? Because then you can hold yourself accountable and realize that such scrutiny is coming from yourself. You are building a narrative that only exists if you plant the seed and bear fruit (***with the exception of a hostile work environment. If this environment is not hostile, and I am assuming it is fine prayerfully...);

If they say you're doing fine, affirm yourself. If they say they didn't like it, still affirm yourself and know that you're already doing well by having the guts to even go up there in the first place. Some people can't even get through a basic conversation.

Why can't you accept you did well? Perfectionism? Upbringing? Have you journaled lately? All of the picking yourself apart that you just did would be best written down in a diary so you can see how hard you are on yourself.

Regarding compliments, it's tough in the professional world, especially if you are of color. Sometimes, people don't give props because they feel like your confidence emits so loud and bright that you already know you're doing well.

Just continue asking for feedback, but also, practice your speeches and fall in love with yourself. Look at yourself and ask yourself why you hate the quirks that make you you. The idiosyncrasies you possess is actually the foundation for a memorable moment and makes people want to listen to you more. That's what makes a connection, an authentic impression, and a lasting memory... not robotic AI. Trust me - I am a Virgo lol.

[creature-wizard]

With all this fuss about this scarletarosa person I spent some time on her blog and oh boy 🤦🏻‍♂️💀. She has 0 academic research, ( even though she claims to be a historian and theologian on her blog) and on top of that SHE ENCOURAGES people to be highly aware of academic information, because it is tainted with false truths, it made to fit the abrahamic agenda, or is nonsense because academics don't care about true spiritual information/ they cannot get it because they can't communicate with spirits and deities. People no longer care about true and deep spiritual evolution, and of course she is a rare specimen who can obtain that real knowledge, therefore you have to trust her.

I don't know where she gets her information from. She reminds me of that Teal Swan , who only uses her upg and personal belief system to "teach" people. Just because she has religious trauma around christianity, now she tells everyone that all of the 3 monotheistic religions and their god are terrible. It gives me a " new age but make it polytheistic " type of vibe. She can't shut up about how fucked up our world is nowadays because of the abrahamic god, and how much you have to fight to get to a spiritual illumination. Funny enough, she is fine with the right hand path ONLY if it means worshiping hindu deities and angels. Her beliefs are highly influenced by her trauma, and if the anons are correct and her partner is actually using her to spread his delusions, then both should take a break and see a therapist.

A small number of people have non human souls and they are special and cannot fit in. They are meant to do great things and sacrifices to better this world. These beings are sensitive and probably fought in some great war. It sounds exactly like starseeds , with the lyran and draconian war, and it's the exact same description of " oh you don't fit in ? Have you tried identifying as an alien ?"

Both are a giganto-normous red flag.

Yuuuuup, this lady is running a full-on cult over the Internet. And yeah, I can definitely see the similarities between her and Teal Swan.

[miywskin]

high school girl:

how to improve in studies and be your best academic version?

(remembering that these are tips and thoughts that I follow, believe and understand as more effective for me and my school performance).

1. First, understand the importance of your mental, spiritual, and bodily boundaries. Take care, stay in maintenance. Your brain needs, just like your body and soul, to be in good condition, good air, good energy and everything that encompasses the positive. If you feel good, look for ways to leverage what is downgraded in you, look for improvements that will help you in personal matters. The smallest things are necessary. Your comfort with yourself and with the world is extremely important to initiate any planned, effective and correct act.

2. Use and abuse the benefits attributed to you for the study. You have in your hands several forms of learning, know how to choose the one that best fits with your facilities. Several websites, applications, games, movies and series are exposed to your general understanding, ready to be consumed. Like people, who can guide you in your academic progress. Teachers, friends or even family members that you love and, above all, trust, are valid for this. Don't be afraid to question what you don't know.

3. Never refrain from growing. Never assume that what you know is enough, and that it is not necessary to look for new ideals, ways and reasons. We are constantly changing, we change our skin several times, we don't stop modifying and being modified. So don't be presumptuous in believing that there isn't more you can consume, because there is and always will be.

4. This might sound like bullshit, but it really worked for me. Therefore, I suggest the idea of ​​keeping in your life images, videos or anything that makes you feel intellectually disposed. Whether to read a book, study some subject or new language, anyway. When living with the habit of saving with you materials that instigate your brain to perform the practice that appears there, everything seems to become less tedious and unlikely to happen. Therefore, saving study photos, books, people reading and everything that encompasses the world you are about to enter is extremely valid! Live what you want to live, be what you planned and what you plan.

5. Follow the people who will give you a more noticeable intellectual advance. In other words, refrain from observing and hanging out with anyone who wouldn't add to you or add to something, in this case, academically speaking (but this suggestion can be used in any segment of your life).

6. Find the way that works best for you when it comes to studying for exams. Sometimes, we judge ourselves incapable and devoid of intelligence when we study a lot and don't remember the subject in the necessary time. The cause of this is diverse, I can't say exactly why this event occurs so often, as it may arise due to some neurological difficulty/dysfunction, psychological issues that would need to be taken care of and treated with specialists (and I'm not one). However, the strategy of seeking your way of absorbing information is essential. Try to understand if you work better with audios, repetitions of phrases and summaries, essays, videos. Understand your minimum and maximum learning time, do not exceed your limits. Create a routine that suits you, use the pomodoro method and regulate your schedules in order to correspond to the plans defined for certain exams.

I really hope that these few suggestions I have given are of some use. Remember, you can shape them in whatever way is most fulfilling for you. There is no rule.

Thanks for reading this far and sorry for any spelling mistakes, inaccuracies in context or the like. English is not my native language!

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I know you don’t do typings but I want to ask your opinion if I’m really an ENFJ in order for me to use the development guide accurately. I’ll give a few examples for functions usage:

So I struggle with exams and deadlines alot, I become extremely critical of myself because I do everything but studying, especially the classes that I loathe. I do fine in some classes, but in others I get overwhelmed. I just can’t sit and focus, I begin to worry others will think I’m a loser failure because of a traumatic failed university experience (i dropped out before), and because I don’t have my shit together. I begin to feel restless, make things for others, do my hobbies, go hours online chatting with strangers, researching about stuff that isnt related. So I attributed this maybe to distorted Ni-Se and I can’t prioritize, or weak Ti. I’m trying very hard to work through this problem, I began to journal and I try to vocalize my feelings now, because I have this tendency to keep everything inside not to burden others.

I know what my mind is telling me but my body just won’t respond, i feel like my brain is distorted. Is it cognitive dissonance, some sort of loop, grip? I do pointless behavior then regret it again and again. Is this Se grip or Ti grip? My thoughts are all confused. Sometimes it feels like my mind is telling me something but because of other factors, it’s as if I can’t trust it because I don’t trust my mind.

I also think alot of my self imposed stress comes from me not having a very active social life, and being prone to Ni-Ti loop could be because I stay in my mind all day and don’t talk much. So I started to tell myself this week to go out more during the day and walk. I know how to make friends online very well but somehow I’m at a total loss in real life, maybe because I have unconscious fear of being judged. And I honestly feel like despite knowing alot of people online or in real life too, I don’t feel very deeply related to them. I want to have deep friendships, to date, and love. But I feel like a failure as a man in my almost mid 20s now because I don’t have my stuff together. So it’s like I’m never achieving my potential, while everyone else keeps progressing I keep stuck in the same place overthinking and years pass, and this makes me even worse. I used to be able to enjoy life more before, somehow after years of trying to be strong for the future I just crumble at the first struggle. All my patience is lost.

Maybe it’s extremely unhealthy for ENFJs to stay at home and use internet alot.

Thank you for reading

---------------------

All type assessment requests must follow the instructions on the contact page carefully. You must answer all the questions from the Function Theory Guide for every function of the two stacks you are comparing. Since you didn't follow the instructions and provide the information I require, I cannot do an assessment or comment on your type except to say that your problems are more indicative of Ti loop and Se grip.

Generally speaking, it is important to be in the right state of mind when attempting Type Development, which is why I strongly suggest that people address their mental health issues before attempting to use the Guide. It sounds like you're not in a good place emotionally, so you need to focus on that first. Most universities have some form of counseling available to students. Perhaps you should speak with a counselor about your (social) anxiety issues, as well as get some tutoring to sharpen your academic/study skills. If you don't want to fail, you have to take the initiative to resolve the problems that hold you back in life. The longer you leave problems, the more you allow them to fester. Sometimes the best way to help yourself is to ask for the help and support you need.

[sysmedsaresexist]

I really debated this, but I want to jump in and give you some pointers and info before a certain someone else does.

This is a bad post.

Point blank.

From the biggest tumblr anti endo to you, you're doing more harm than good.

It took me WAY too long to come to some of these realizations, so hopefully you'll listen.

Let me start with: I am against shared language and spaces. Endogenic systems and CDD systems are experiencing something totally different and incomparable.

Yes, there are endogenic systems that claim to have DID and those that say it's not a trauma disorder, but even most pro/endos will correct that when they see it. It's honestly a small minority, and you're better off spreading respectful, accurate information on CDDs in all tags.

What they ARE claiming, and what you WILL find is supported in clinical settings, is that it is possible to experience and express yourself through a lens of multiplicity. Again, this is something totally different, bordering on philosophy.

This used to bug me, too, but as someone active in clinical circles with access to university libraries, it's not as scary as it sounds. I promise, clinicians don't think it's the same thing as DID.

Stealing terms? You can't just say that, and think really hard before you make your post about it. You'll be disappointed and embarrassed to find that most of the terms you think were stolen, actually weren't. Yeah. We were wrong, bud. Don't learn the hard way like I did.

Point is, many terms that are used by CDD systems and DO properly belong to us, are not used by endos.

Moving along, I'll get to the card at the end.

Dissociation is not only trauma based. Dissociation as a mechanism exists on a continuum of nonpathological to pathological. Daydreaming, hypnosis, meditation-- all forms of dissociation, and not based solely in trauma. Everyone dissociates to some degree. Watch how you say things or your entire post is in the trash.

Your sources are SHIT. Peer reviewed, academic information is not hard to find, you just don't know how to look for it yet. Do NOT imply that research is scarce or hard to come by. Webmd, psych central, mind.org, didresearch, traumadissociation-- these are terrible, inaccurate, and unreliable (even though they often contain good info, it doesn't stand a chance in a debate and is more likely to be inaccurate). Did research is a blog made by a tumblr blogger that has many mistakes on it, and it's not maintained like it was. The people you're quoting aren't doctors. These sites aren't recent, webmd was UPDATED in 2023, not created then, and their review team probably isn't specialized in DDs. Use this site or this one to look for credible research. Train yourself to find equally credible work.

Every single quote you've used isn't firm, so it's not proving your point. "Usually", "associated with," find the doctors that say the good shit-- like that DID is posttraumatic.

You'll learn better key words as you go to find better articles.

I agree with what you say about religious beliefs, but hold those thoughts, the Stanford tulpa study is coming out soon. Yes, Stanford. It's an fmri study and I can't wait to see it so we can put to rest that it's not the same as DID. But I've seen the preliminary research, it showed something.

I firmly believe that mixed origin systems are often CDD systems struggling with denial. Be fucking nice to people, trust me, no one wants to listen to someone that's rude. I alienated the vast majority of pro/endos and now my posts have less reach and less effect. If you actually want to make a difference, you have to be able to talk to people. Otherwise, you're just on here being an asshat for clout. Other antis already know all this, so who's your audience?

Anyways, yeah, DID is only caused by trauma, but again, you're going to get REALLY tired of hearing that endos don't claim to have DID, so trust me, just move on to the next argument, save yourself the stress. There are better things to debate and argue.

On giving yourself alters, please remember that many, many traumatized people fight to feel like they're in control of their lives. Telling themselves that they chose this and convincing themselves it was conscious might be the only way they survive a hard situation. Be kind, most of these people are not in any position to start their healing journey, usually because they're minors. Hostility isn't going to help them come around.

On LGBTQ-- the intersection of multiplicity/plurality/systemhood is HUGE, even for DID systems. You won't see this in only endo spaces, this is a legitimate conversation that should happen. You need to be very clear about what you're complaining about. I get it, the idea that it's an identity that you can pick up and put on. But you'll learn that it's really not that... deep? The conversations are real, and productive, and actually very important.

If you actually read the book transgender mental health by yarbrough, you'll see what I mean. The university of Colorado just had a seminar about plurality and sexuality. I didn't like it, but I like what it means for systems looking to transition or explore gender and sexuality. Point is, yes, this is happening, and we need to put on our big boy pants and get with the times. You're way behind in this fight.

The DSM doesn't say anything like that about DID and CSA, if you need a copy, tell me and I'll give you a link. The DSM doesn't list trauma as a criteria because of amnesia. How can you prove amnesia if you often don't even know you have it? No one would be diagnosed. DID isn't listed under trauma and stressor related disorders, because TSRDs are new to the DSM 5 and contain diagnoses with no specific groupings of symptoms, whereas DID is dissociation based, so they moved the whole damn DD section just so they were next to TSRDs.

The entry for DID talks for pages about trauma, but what you're saying just... isn't in there. And you'll get blasted for it. You need to be prepared with arguments like above.

Sources about endogenic plurality are actually very recent, don't get caught with claims like that. Yes, the sources are real. Yes, they are peer reviewed. Yes, the journals that published them are reputable.

You need to come to terms with this very quickly, or you're going to be blindsided.

In regards to the ToSD, I fully 100% support it, but it's got flaws and you need to read up on it. Again, don't get blindsided. Talk instead about the brain scans that show the ToSD in action, talk instead about what it REALLY means when it talks about action systems in children.

So let's look at the card, finally.

Okay, I lied, there's less in there than I thought, and there's no sources at all??? Bro.

Anyways... this post isn't making any of us look good.

Do better, please.

Goddamn I'm so tired.

Endos / endogenics and why they aren't valid :

We've made posts on this before but we decided it might be good to make one big post to link to for when / if anyone asks again. We tried to cover everything we could in this post but we'll likely be making other posts similar to this later on.

So what are endos? Endos or endogenics are people who claim to have DID/OSDD without trauma or claim to have alters / be a system without having DID/OSDD.

Why is this bad? This is misinformation because as far as science knows DID/OSDD is a trauma based disorder (specifically caused by trauma in early childhood, which is speculated to be 1-9 / 1-12 years old) and your brain would not split / create alters without reason. You cannot have alters without having a disorder, this is common sense as it's not normal to have alters. To add onto this endos also take over our communities and steal our terms. (We'll make a post with further information on that in the future).

There is also a carrd that explains why endos are bad and debunks a few myths if anyone is interested in it! If not continue reading

Why can't you have DID/OSDD or alters without trauma? As far as science knows DID/OSDD is a trauma disorder and in order to have alters in the first place you require dissociation, which is also a trauma response. Here are tons of medically reviewed sources that say this:

“ They suggest that DID is caused by experiencing severe trauma over a long time in childhood. By experiencing trauma in childhood, you take on different identities and behaviours to protect yourself. As you grow up these behaviours become more fully formed until it looks like you have different identities ” — rethink.org

“ Dissociative identity disorder (DID), previously known as multiple personality disorder, is a complex psychological condition caused by many things. These include severe trauma during early childhood (usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, or emotional abuse). It's also known as split personality disorder. ” — webMD

“ DID is usually associated with adverse experiences in someone’s past and traumatic memories. ” & “ Dissociation — a major part of DID — is a defense mechanism the body uses to reduce your awareness during overwhelming trauma ” — pysch central

“ DID is associated with long-term exposure to trauma, often chronic traumatic experiences during early childhood. ” & “ Dissociation—or disconnection from one’s sense of self or environment—can be a response to trauma. It can happen during a single-incident, traumatic event (e.g., an assault, a natural disaster, or a motor vehicle accident), or during ongoing trauma (e.g., wartime; chronic childhood abuse). ” — mcleanhospital.org

“ Dissociative disorders often develop as a way to deal with a catastrophic event or with long-term stress, abuse or trauma. This is particularly true if such events take place early in childhood. At this time of life, there are limitations to your ability to fully understand what’s happening. In addition, your coping mechanisms aren’t fully developed and getting support and resources depends on the presence of caring and knowledgeable adults. ” — my.clevelandclinic.org

“ There are many possible causes of dissociative disorders, including previous traumatic experience. ” & “ Switching off from reality is a normal defence mechanism that helps the person cope during a traumatic time. ” — nhs.uk

“ Dissociative identity disorder is the result of a natural way of coping with childhood trauma. Our page on the causes of dissociative disorders has more information. ” & “ Dissociation is a natural response to trauma while it's happening. But some of us may still experience dissociation long after the traumatic event has finished. Past experiences of dissociation during traumatic events may mean that you haven't processed these experiences fully. ” — mind.org (two links since they're two different pages)

“ Dissociative disorders usually start as a way to cope with shocking, distressing or painful events. The disorders most often form in children who go through long-term physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Less often, the disorders form in children who've lived in a home where they went through frightening times or they never knew what to expect. The stress of war or natural disasters also can bring on dissociative disorders. When you go through an event that's too much to handle emotionally, you may feel like you're stepping outside of yourself and seeing the event as if it's happening to another person. Mentally escaping in this way may help you get through a shocking, distressing or painful time. ” — mayoclinic.org

Most of these sources are pretty recent too, with the most recent one being made in September 2023 (webMD)

What about religious beliefs / tuplamacy? First people are not required to believe or participate in your religious beliefs (and religious beliefs are not exempt from criticism) and second tuplamacy is a closed Buddhist practice that has nothing to do with being a system and should not be compared to being a system nor should it be included / involved in system communities. Note that the DSM-V also says that in order to have DID; "The disturbance is not a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice." <- this does not mean it's possible to have alters due to a religious thing, if anything it says they cannot be counted as alters / as a system.

To add on, no you cannot pray to be a system or transition into being a system. If you were to pray and one day magically become a system you are either in denial or you've convinced yourself you're something you're not. Believing you can be a system without trauma or that you can become a system by praying is like believing you can get autism from vaccines or drinking too much dairy milk, that's just not how it works.

What about mixed origin systems? Mixed origin systems are not a thing. DID/OSDD forms purely from trauma, you can't form from a mix of trauma and not trauma, that's not how it works. If you identify as mixed origin you are likely in denial and really need to come to terms with the fact that you are either traumatized or you're not a system at all.

What about other kinds of origins? Other origins like "willowgenic" and all that bullshit? Yeah no, same thing as endos, not possible. Look above for all the proof you need, DID/OSDD is only caused by trauma. Traumagenic is the only valid origin.

But I gave myself DID! / But I created my own alters! No you didn't. That isn't possible, you cannot turn yourself into a DID/OSDD system and creating alters is a coping mechanism, not something you do for fun, sources on this;

“ DID Isn't Something You Can Give Yourself on Purpose. Having DID was not a conscious decision those of us with the disorder made when we were children. Dissociative identity disorder is not a selective disorder, meaning you cannot decide that you want to develop this brilliant coping mechanism and then you have it. ” — healthyplace

“ In any case, additional alters are usually the result of extreme stress. The mind does not like to be fractured even when an individual already has DID or OSDD-1. Many individuals cannot split unless a split is strictly necessary for their protection, functioning, or ability to remain hidden as a system. That said, there are exceptions. Some individuals may become so used to using splitting as a coping mechanism that they may split easily in response to seemingly minor stressors. ” — didresearch.org

Isn't being a system like the same as being trans or being LGBTQ? No, many endos compared the two but they are completely different. Being LGBTQ is an identity, it's something you are born as. Being a system is a debilitating disorder caused by severe trauma, it is counted as a disability which is;

“ 'A person has a disability if: They have a physical or mental impairment, and the impairment has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on the person's ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities.' ” — gmc.org

The reason DID would be counted as a disability is that;

“ Having a dissociative disorder can affect your ability to keep a full-time job, especially one with work stresses, which can worsen your symptoms. ” — disabilitysecrets

And the DSM-V criteria literally says;

“ The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning ” — traumadissociation

But the DSM-V says that trauma isn't required! No, the DSM-V actually says CSA isn't required, there are other forms of trauma that don't involve CSA or child abuse. To act as if it saying that the trauma isn't always CSA or child abuse means that it doesn't require trauma at all is extremely invalidating to those who are traumatized in ways that don't involve child abuse or CSA.

But this source claims endos exist / DID doesn't require trauma! Most of those sources are extremely old and / or made by endos (or pro endos) themselves. (We'll make a more in-depth post on this topic some other time, but for now this is all we have to say on it)

But we don't know everything about the human brain! You're right, we don't. The brain is mysterious, but we do know enough to know that it doesn't do these kinds of things for no reason. We know the brain reacts to trauma and we know what the difference between a normal brain and a disordered brain is. Just because we don't know everything doesn't give people an excuse to jump to conclusions and spread misinformation. It is better to stick to what science currently knows which is the theory of structural dissociation, which is the current theory about how DID/OSDD forms, and so far no one has been able to disprove it. And before someone says it, no it is not only a theory, it is a scientific theory which is;

“ A theory is a well-substantiated explanation of an aspect of the natural world that can incorporate laws, hypotheses and facts. The theory of gravitation, for instance, explains why apples fall from trees and astronauts float in space. Similarly, the theory of evolution explains why so many plants and animals—some very similar and some very different—exist on Earth now and in the past, as revealed by the fossil record. ” — amnh.org

And to add on;

“ Scientists develop theories to explain the natural world and to advance scientific knowledge. A theory is the highest level of explanation in science. Some features of scientific theories are that they: have been thoroughly tested over an extended period, provide accurate explanations and, predictions for a wide range of phenomena, are widely accepted by the scientific community, demonstrate strong experimental and observational support ” — study.com

[vowled]

Kill Your Darlings: An Analysis of its Twists and Themes

A few days ago, I watched Kill Your Darlings, and needless to say, I became completely mesmerized by it. Naturally credible characters with well-crafted backstories portraying a true story of Love, Obsession and Murder, it's everything a person could ask for in a movie. The colour palette of the movie radiates comfort and the sound track takes you back in time when these two bright young men were falling in love. Right from the start it was apparent that there were many themes in the undercurrent of the movie, and these were such that required some amount of thoughtful contemplation. And I was incredibly sorry to not find any post or review which critically discussed the themes of the movie and did it justice- so after doing some reading and digging up as much as I could, here I am making an attempt to analyze the twists and themes of the story.

The Crucial Plot-twist

The Night In Question- why the movie's recounting of the events is fictitious:

When faced with the prospect of writing the deposition for Lucian, Allen tried his best to gather information about the events that led to David's murder. However, it proved to be a difficult feat as Lucien himself would not speak much about it clearly. So he pieced together what he could from the bits of information he got. However, we see Lucian vehemently opposing the deposition written by Allen and claiming it to be false. After some thought, I find that I believe Lucian's claims. Most of the following arguments are rooted in the fact that Lucien's relationship with David was an abusive one, where David basically groomed Lucian and was a sexual predator. I suggest reading my post here to gain more insight about how the abuse affected him.

"You weren't there, you don't know what happened." These words right here- they're the words of a victim. Being subjected to a form of sexual abuse myself, I found these words hitting me like a brick ton. These are words coming from a pained soul that refuses to recount traumatic incidents. He's practically saying that the abuse was so bad he had to kill his abuser to be free from it.

Even after Allen saw first-hand what a total creep David could be, even after knowing the man had stalked Lucian across multiple cities, he had to ask Lucian why the latter killed David when he "could have run". This tells me he couldn't exactly relate to Lucian's situation and wasn't very keen on believing him. Although he displayed a moment of intimate affection, there's still a lingering feeling of yeah but he broke my heart inside him. After learning how Lucian drowned David, he even begins questioning if he should help him at all. At this point, Allen doesn't trust Lucian enough to actually care how accurate the story is. So he wrote what he could, what he felt right. But even he couldn't condemn his friend/first love to such a fate as prison, so eventually he submitted it as his final paper. In all honesty, I thought that turning it in was a brilliant move, and one which also further proved that the "once you loved him too" version was mostly fanciful fiction.

Throughout the movie, sequences have been played in reverse frames (and I found this so pleasing) and from the nitrogen-inhaling scene, we know that these sequences designated memories playing out in Allen's head or his subconscious creating dreamscapes. And here's the catch- the entire scene of Lucian taking a walk with David and eventually killing him began with frames played in reverse order. This gives the absolute proof that the movie's depiction of the events were fictitious.

Allen's P.O.V. of the events mainly relied on the argument that at some point, Lucian genuinely loved and needed David. This couldn't be further away from the truth. When you're 14 and and being groomed and coaxed by an older guy, a lot many things could feel like love because you haven't experienced them before; but in reality, it's never love, it just is another form of violence.

Themes running through the movie

"There can be no Creation before Imitation"

We see Professor Steves saying this at the beginning of the movie, hinting that it would be a theme in the story. This statement is reflected throughout Allen's progression and development as a poet:

In the beginning, we see him being hugely influenced by his father's works and possibly trying to imitate him through poetic devices such as consonance.

Next, we see him imitating Professor Stevens' style of writing in his poem "the rose that scents the evening air, grows from by beloved's hair" which Lucian outright criticizes.

It is only with the poem Allen recites to Lucian on the boat that he starts developing some sort of originality. That poem in particular is directly drawn from his personal experiences and delivers splendidly.

This development continues as he proceeds to write "The Night In Question" wherein he brilliantly describes his opinion of how things went down. It was this streak that would eventually propel him to write his most celebrated poem, "Howl".

The Circle of Life and How Allen Breaks it

We see Lucian telling Allen how "Life is only interesting if it is wide" and about Yeats' "Circle of Life". As displayed by the linked document, turns out the circle of life is quite complex a thing, and the movie displays a lay-man's version of it. As Lucian tells about it to Allen, unbeknownst to them both, Allen also enters the circle and changes the turn of events:

It is obvious that at the party at David's, Allen was a misfit. David even goes so far as to literally call him out and point how unremarkable he was, but says how given the correct circumstances, even Allen could change things. And what's extraordinary is exactly this happens next: the liquor runs out in David's party and Allen suggests they should change the venue of the party- hence hijacking David's party!

We see Allen's life widen as he becomes closer to Lucian and starts doing things he'd never done before. At the same time, he also plays an important role in changing Lucian's life as well. It's Allen who suggests at first that Lucian should break up with David and stop taking his help. Later in the movie, after learning about David's obsessive behaviour, it's again Allen that said "we should get rid of him". Again, here we see some foreshadowing. Allen could have worded it in any probable way, and yet he suggested getting rid of David which subtly implied killing him. I do believe that this happened to become a subliminal suggestion to Lucian and furthered his murderous intent.

Hence, although Lucian radically changes Allen's life, the latter does so too in unlikely and unexpected ways.

Sacrifices (and Rituals?)

Since the beginning of the movie, we know that the characters are all extraordinary men and that they are capable of something revolutionary. But it was apparent that all of them would need a catalyst to set things in motion- a sacrifice of some sort which would help them break their moulds and free their inner poet. Allen's love for Lucian and his wish to impress him did make him work toward become better at writing. It was the fear of completely losing Lucian to Jack that made Allen put all his effort into writing, and made him come up with his best work yet - here, the fear acted as the catalyst.

However, the most significant thing in connection to this happened in this scene where Lucian cuts both of their palms and holds them up together - this can be considered a Blood Ritual.

"A blood ritual is any ritual that involves the intentional release of blood. Blood rituals often involve a symbolic death and rebirth, as literal bodily birth involves bleeding. Basic to both animal and human sacrifice is the recognition of blood as the sacred life force in man and beast. The participants may regard the release of blood as producing energy useful as a sexual, healing, or mental stimulus. In other cases, blood is a primary component as the sacrifice, or material component for a spell."

The fact that this event took place inside Allen's head during a trippy session outlines how Allen had subconsciously taken a blood oath with Lucian to further The New Vision. This process of developing their revolutionary ideas would successfully progress for the rest of the movie; however, before its completion, the oath demanded a sacrifice- and the murder of David became this blood sacrifice.

"With Death comes Rebirth"

In the first half of the movie we see the initiation of this theme; after they've agreed upon to bring up something revolutionary, Allen talks about how rebirth comes only after death, and in their naivety, they play out a pseudo-suicide scene to imitate death. Little did they know greater sacrifices would have to be made. Eventually as events play out, we come to realise that it is David's death that became the cause and medium for their rebirth- both academic and intra-personal. Jack and Bill co-wrote the book "And the Hippos Were Boiled in Their Tanks" about the murder of David Kammerer, and eventually rose to fame, while Allen became popular with "Howl and Other Poems", none of which could have been initiated/inspired without David's death. As for their personal growth, none of them were the same as they were before the affair. I like to think all of them changed for the better. Lucian must have finally felt a sense of relief after getting rid of his abuser, while Allen finally took-off his rose-coloured glasses, saw Lucian under a more critical light, and developed a sense of self-esteem.

A Study in Violence (I was unsure whether to include this point in this analysis or not due to the violent nature of it. But I figure this analysis would remain incomplete should I leave it out. So here it goes..) The sequence from 1:10:00 to 1:12:00 was an in-depth survey of Violence and how it can occur in different forms. In particular, it focused on how any form of penetration is intimately violating.

We see a lonely Allen being so lost that he's about to have sex with a complete stranger. This itself is very unlike him, who in the beginning of the movie was shying away from Lucian kissing an unknown girl. A few sequences later we see how he wasn't very comfortable with this idea (he wanted to turn off the lights but the other guy turned them on) and yet he was made to shift into a position he did not prefer and hence was made to have rough sex.

We see Bill looking very solemn and injecting drugs into his hands.

We see the violent altercation between Lucian and David. We see David forcing himself on Lucian and eventually being stabbed by him.

We see Jack recieving the news of the death of his friend.

In this way, we see every member of the group being exposed to some form of violence, be it sex, drugs, physical altercations or death.

First Love and its aftermath First love is also an important theme of the movie as it shows how one's first love has the capacity to radically change a person from within:

Allen's first love changed him from the shy, people-pleasing always-upright persona to the bold, radical, critical and unafraid person he became at the end of the movie.

Allen's discovery of his own style of writing can also be majorly attributed to Lucian's criticism of his rhyme-schemes.

All in all, it was his love for Lucian that drove him to become a more out-going person and ignited the mischief in his spirit, while the heartbreak of realising Lucian didn't feel the same for him also lent him invaluable insight and allowed him to develop confidence and a sense of self-esteem, which would play a significant role in him eventually becoming his own person.

While Allen's first love furnished him with the overall better things in life, the same could not be said for Lucian, sadly. Lucian's first love reminded us how oppressive love can become if the other person isn't suited-well for us; it showed us how sometimes love and obsession are separated by a thin line, and how dangerous it becomes when the line is crossed.

Lucian's story also showed us how sometimes a relationship can be more abuse than love, and when that happened, how easy it became to confuse violence with love.

The most significant message that the theme of first-love portrays is that there will always be consequences.

With this, I bring my arguments and analyses to a close. I hope a future (or even past) lover of the movie happens to stumble upon this someday and learn something fascinating about the movie (or reignite their love for it). Thank you for reading this far!

[P.S. an uplifting fact: in real life, Lucian, Allen, Jack and Bill each got the type of life they wished for, and remained friends for the rest of their lives :) ]

[slightlyaggressiveaffirmations]

I feel like some people I know (including my supervisor and occasionally professors) don't understand that I sometimes take longer than other people to complete tasks or learn things (probably due to several of my disabilities). Do you have any advice for explaining this to other people but not making it seem like an excuse? My accommodation of extra time on assignments in school doesn't allow me very much extra time. Can I also request some affirmations about it's OK to learn at my own pace?

Hi Anon!

I have similar problems to you - because of my cognitive dysfunction, I am a slow learner, and I usually need three times as long to read anything. I am currently working on a research project for my degree that should take me one semester - but I have been able to negotiate much much longer - the initial plan is that instead of the usual 15 weeks, I will aim for 27, with the option for additional time if I need it. The reason: I cannot take in more than about 10 pages of reading a day, and that’s simply not enough.

So... let’s talk about how I explained and negotiated my way to this agreement:

1. I am registered with Disability Services

So, not every school has one, and it doesn’t help with a workplace, but essentially what this means is that I took steps to explain my situation before it became a problem. As well as registering that I need assistance (which I’m guessing you have done too - hence the extra time) I always speak to a new lecturer or professor myself after the first class. I say something like:

“Hi. My name’s Kate and you will have recieved an Education Access Plan for me. I just want to let you know some things...”

My school has rules that the Plan has to be followed, and the staff aren’t allowed to ask me why I need my special accomodations, but I like to be upfront and explain to them. Then they feel like I’m honest and trustworthy, etc. And I find them always very accomodating.

2. I make sure people see the effort I put in

I am a high achiever. At school, in the workplace, in my activism work, in video games! At school, I care a lot about my grades, but I also make a deliberate effort to be sure my lecturers and teachers can see my effort. I ask a lot of questions and raise my hand when I know the answers to things. I contribute to class discussions. I email if I am sick and I go to consultation hours and ask for help.

This means that when I need that extra time to finish an essay, they know wasn’t lazy or wasting time (and sometimes, maybe, I was!) because I have that track record of being a good student who puts effort in. I’ve even got a reputation now with staff I haven’t met.

I do the same thing at a job. I work hard and I make sure I’m seen working hard.

Note: You should not have to do this! I should not have to. Our word and a medical certificate should be enough. But it often isn’t, and you asked for advice, so this is it, sadly.

3. I explained exactly what my need is and why

When it came to negotiating this specific longterm extension on my research, I had to ask my supervisor to commit to much longer. That’s a big ask. So, I needed to be clear on what my problem is and I also came to her with a proposed solution to that problem. The clearer you can be, the better (which can be hard with a cognitive disability - but writing it down can help)

So. Problem: I can only read about ten pages or so a day of the kind of complex academic language this research requires. That’s drastically below the amount I need to read in the timeframe available.

Solutions: I need more time. There’s a way we can enrol me so the computer system allows me to take more than one semester, and I came to her with that information. I wrote a proposed study plan of how long it might take me and when I might have a first draft, a final draft, etc. I included what kind of information I thought I needed and how much time I thought the first few of these might require (Two weeks on Subject A, Three on Subject B).

I also explained to her how varying the tasks I’m performing helps me to keep focused - so I wrote a list of the tasks I needed to do besides reading, and gave her these too, so she could see how I’d help myself work better by varying tasks.

People love it when they don’t have to do that much work! If you say “Here’s the problem, I already found the solution, please tick the box that says you agree” they fucking LOVE that. The thing is done with the least inconvenience to them.

So, your problem: You need longer to complete tasks or learn something new.

If you feel comfortable, it will help to explain why this is. In simple terms, but not patronising. I always say:

“I have trouble concentrating, especially if there are distractions like other noises - even something minor like an air conditioner. I get tired easily, I can only focus for short periods. I fall asleep when reading long passages of text. I read slowly. Some days I cannot read at all.”

All of those things make up “I need more time”, but they explain WHY I need more time, and often a person who is just ignorant about disabilities simply hasn’t bothered to think about it and when you explain it like this, they begin to understand why you find things more difficult than they do.

Another thing I like to say is “Think about how you function when you’re very tired. When you try to read a book but you’re ready to fall asleep and the words blur - that’s me all the time” - that’s an experience that they can relate to, and that really helps!

Then you can tell them the solution: “It would really help if I had extra time. That would give me more time to read everything over twice to make sure I understand it.” Or you could say the extra time helps you because you can only work for a small period each day and therefore you need more days to give you an equal amount of work time as your classmates.

OK. In summary:

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with an “excuse” - it’s just a reason you didn’t or can’t do something and we shouldn’t attach negative connotations to that. But I know what you mean when you say you don’t want it to sound like an excuse, so ways to avoid that include:

1. Make your needs clear BEFORE you need them. (I realise you’re already in the situation, but note for future) If you’ve already told someone about a potential problem, it will not sound made-up to them when you bring it up during a deadline.

2. Make them trust you. Show them that you wouldn’t lie. If they think you are an excellent student/employee/citizen/etc, they will not see you as having a reason to make up some excuse. Why would you when you’re normally so diligent and enthusiastic?

3. Explain the WHY (I do and learn things slower because...) and offer solutions by explaining HOW they help (More time would mean...)

This was an extremely long answer... Not sure I could read it all in one hit myself, tbh! :p Might be pushing that ten page limit.

Good luck, Anonymous Friend. I hope some of this is helpful to you.

- The Slightly Aggressive Affirmer

[punkscowardschampions]

Savannah & Jac

Savannah: Are you on your way here? Jac: I hadn't started to get ready yet Jac: got caught up doing some prep for our next lecture, haven't looked at the clock in a minute 🤯 whoops Savannah: well thank god, I was hoping to catch you before having to dramatically tell you to turn around, especially if you had happened to be half way to me Jac: Oh? Jac: What's going on in UH tonight? 😄 Savannah: Nothing, which is perhaps why we're the centre of attention Jac: 😬 Don't love the sound of that Jac: what's been said? Savannah: I'm not even sure because the way she was saying it gave me the most INTENSE Catholic school flashbacks Savannah: & I've overanalysed every syllable to the point that it's been twisted beyond recognition so I can't be trusted to reliably relay any of it Jac: Okay, pause Jac: who's being mean to you, and why on earth Jac: Is it that one girl in the next room along from you, because I did think she was someone's little sister so I can believe the immaturity Savannah: I think she was trying to be complimentary about us but I didn't take it like that, I can't, not after everything Jac: Baby Jac: just try to explain it best you can Jac: take your time, and I'll forgive any personal interjection Jac: because I care more about how it's made you feel, than how it was said or meant, really Savannah: she's made me feel like I'm doing this all wrong, exactly how I said I wouldn't, holding you back and being too much Jac: But you aren't at all Jac: what would she even know about it, she doesn't know either of us, even a little bit Savannah: maybe that unbiased outside perspective is what I needed to make me realise the mistakes I'm making Savannah: because it isn't just her, they're all talking about how you're ALWAYS here, how inseparable we are Jac: Do you feel like we're taking things too fast, being too much? Savannah: No Savannah: but I didn't last time either Jac: okay Jac: because you know you can tell me, if you are Jac: I mean, I don't know what to do with this information Jac: we don't judge them for their relationships Savannah: I was fine, but I'm scared now, obviously Jac: that we're like you and Tyler, or you and Milo Jac: or that we're repeating our past and it'll end badly again Savannah: that I can't have a relationship that isn't ridiculously co-dependent, except it's not even, because that implies that they were as extra as I was Savannah: & that I shouldn't have entered into this one if I haven't changed enough to avoid repeating things Jac: They balanced you out Jac: and I don't Savannah: they let me do whatever I wanted, that isn't what I want from you Jac: but if it's what we both want Jac: it's hard for me to think we should listen more to these girls, who are probably speaking at least from a bit of jealousy, than that Savannah: No, because it isn't what we both want, a healthy relationship is what we both want Jac: Yeah Jac: you're right, of course Jac: but, I don't like the implication that they know what works for us Jac: if we need to reevaluate, it can still be on our terms Jac: I bet lots of them have never had a serious relationship, or only the same level of unhealthy as we have before, they're not qualified Savannah: They don't know us or have any qualifications & I believe you're right about the jealousy factor but I am still willing to see & use this as the wake up call that I need to do better Jac: We can do that Jac: I trust you Jac: I'm not going to see this as you pulling away or something I've done Savannah: please don't, because it isn't Jac: It was my initial fear Jac: but you never leave me to worry Jac: and the fact that I immediately went there is just something I need to address too Savannah: you have reason to go there, it's okay Savannah: how I handled things back then is precisely what I'm trying to avoid Jac: I completely see that, I honestly do Jac: I'm sorry if I got defensive right there Savannah: & I can see that I've slightly overreacted now that I've slightly calmed down Jac: It made me feel the same Jac: like you said, the school flashbacks are no joke Savannah: I'm so sorry I told you not to come, I'd hate for you to think that's what I want, ever Jac: It's okay, we can take a night off Jac: but I'm also not gonna tell you you can't come to mine instead, once they've all gone back to their rooms or whatever Savannah: are you going to tell me what prep you were doing which I should've been instead of freaking out? Savannah: because I need to know Jac: Of course Jac: we haven't competed like that for a LONG time now Jac: it's not like we were asked but I asked [your fave prof bff 'cos lord knows I'm using the photos] on the way out last week if there was anything we could study up on ready for next term Savannah: once I've done everything he has suggested & fixed my 😢 face I'll come over Jac: My poor boo, I hate that they upset you so much Jac: also that we only have showers Jac: or I'd recommend a bubble bath as first order of business Savannah: honestly the lack of 🛀🏾🥂 upsets me more than anything Savannah: but in all seriousness, it wasn't even those girls at fault, I got myself worked up Jac: it is a travesty Jac: we need a place with an en-suite next year Jac: because the idea of sharing a bath with god knows who is no more appealing than NOT having one 😰 Jac: it's okay, I won't insist on being that stereotype and 'having a word' with them, they can live, for now Savannah: if checking into a hotel wouldn't be viewed as the ULTIMATE overreaction, I definitely would use the 💳 my dad insisted upon giving me Jac: I can only imagine the flashbacks that would give him 🙄 Jac: not worth the stress nor satisfaction Jac: though I was thinking we could do something, go somewhere, before the Christmas hols, as we will both be obligated to go all in with the family during Savannah: there would be SO MUCH satisfaction but I promise, I'll resist and be good, for now Savannah: no such promises of 👼🏾 for a family Christmas though, so I love that idea Jac: We can make that happen with just a shower, I promise you Jac: even if we just see a bit more of Edinburgh, get that hotel, I wanna treat you Jac: and no one can stop me spending as much time as we're able lavishing attention on you before we have to go back Jac: because it's going to be stressful, we both know that much already Savannah: if you're feeling left out because your entire dorm isn't talking about us, I can make that happen once we're 🚿 Savannah: you're the most thoughtful girlfriend in the entire world, but if that's something we're about to start competing over in place of academics, that's more than fine with me Jac: I might regret saying I can handle that but Jac: I don't Jac: 😳😳 Savannah: you won't have any, I promise Jac: I love you Savannah: I'm utterly in love with you Jac: I'll never get over hearing that Savannah: you don't have to because I love your 😳 too Jac: It's so different Jac: even though we used to say it like all the time Savannah: you know I meant it every time, it just had to be different Jac: and it is Jac: third time's a charm Jac: we'll make it work this time, no matter how much work that might be Jac: because it's so worth it Savannah: yes, it is and we will Jac: I'm gonna order all your faves when you get here Savannah: 🥰 Savannah: hopefully the lecture prep won't take me too long Jac: you can always read through mine Jac: it's not like it's cheating, just a better way to do a study sesh Savannah: if you're going to send it to me, absolutely, but if you're expecting me to concentrate on reading through it when I get there, I'm sorry but there's no way Jac: I'm not that 😈 Jac: at least not at the sake of your education Savannah: & thank goodness as my parents are both already doing the most to interfere with my education right now with their constant communication Jac: yet imagine your dad in particular if you did any less than perfect Jac: I don't know how he fails to see how counterproductive the constant checking in is Savannah: or the pressure that he's been putting on me to spend Christmas with him from literally November 1st, I swear Savannah: it hasn't slipped his mind that I had no choice but to do that for the last two, even if the unfairness to my mother is something he refuses to think about Jac: Yes, I was about to say Jac: he'll have to think about how he's going to timeshare more efficiently with your mum now, just because it was his way or nothing for two whole years Jac: clearly, that didn't work so well for anyone BUT him Savannah: he thinks he can dictate to me as if I'm no older than I was when he forced me to leave & as though nothing has changed since then Savannah: I'm not going to jeopardise my mum's recovery by not spending time with her in the holidays Jac: To even suggest, let alone expect that from you Jac: even if he's not thinking about your mother, why would he want that guilt for you Jac: at least he cannot literally force you onto a plane to Sligo instead of Dublin Jac: it's getting Sienna, that needs to be planned Savannah: I'm at my wits end with her, it's like she doesn't see the problem Savannah: of course I'd understand her reluctance to spend it with mum but it's all about him, every single of her reasonings, because they aren't even really hers Savannah: she just fully believes whatever dad says Jac: 😕 That's hard Jac: because it automatically puts you in the bad guy camp Jac: because obviously it's nicer to believe that he only wants what's best etc Jac: but when she realizes that's not totally true, that'll be shattering Savannah: she's going to get hurt by him again, as if I wasn't there when he walked out teaching her to question everything that comes out of a man's mouth, that man in particular Savannah: I hate it Jac: I know 😞 Jac: all you're trying to do is protect her Jac: is she interested at coming like, at all? Jac: even if not the actual day of Savannah: It's not like I want her to spend her time and energy until her leavers cert hating him as much as I do, I know it'll be different for her now that I'm gone Savannah: but we get nowhere whenever I try to talk to her about mum, irrespective of the actual subject Savannah: I'm not giving up, of course, but I won't pretend to you that it isn't exhausting Jac: Of course you don't, you'd never tell her what to think Jac: but if you can see things differently, or remember how it was last time, it doesn't make you a bad sister, it's the opposite Jac: you never do ❤ Jac: I was just wondering, though this would be a bit morally dubious Jac: if we could trick her into spending some time with your mum Jac: I could make my sister invite her to something legit, like a family party Jac: your dad MIGHT say yes? I don't know Savannah: at this point I'm so close to walking away from everyone for the sake of my own mental health to spend the holidays alone & obviously that's not a real option I have available to me so I'm more than ready to do it & take the bad karma if it backfires Jac: I understand, last Christmas, I would've given anything to do just that Jac: I think it could work, your dad being the only potential block Jac: we could go for the second half, do New Years with her, maybe Savannah: 😞 I'm going to make sure you have the best Christmas this year, baby, whether or not this works Jac: I've got you, that's all I need for it to be perfect Jac: and we will work this out Jac: but as you said, it isn't even time yet, so you don't have to figure it all out tonight Jac: but when we do, you will have a peaceful and joyful Christmas, if it's the last thing I do Savannah: You're perfect & you're getting my undivided attention tonight, I truly do not care what opinion any or every American girl in this town has or decides to share Jac: A no-phone policy does not even need to be implemented when you're so beautiful Jac: it'd practically be a sin to not use every sense on you Jac: but seriously, whilst they may have a point, we're also further along than they might assume Jac: like I said, if they've never had a proper relationship, they're used to not getting texts back and having to be cool about it 🤷 Jac: we don't have to tone ourselves down or lessen what we have, if it doesn't serve us to do so, only in the ways it might Savannah: I will implement one though, some kind of a genuine family emergency happening again notwithstanding Savannah: I learnt a LOT about sin in Catholic school & you're totally right Savannah: you're the only person who I'd tone anything down for & since you haven't asked me, I really don't think it's necessary Jac: I appreciate it, a lot, you know that, right? Jac: the cliche isn't totally baseless then Jac: you can tell me all about it but we better keep that on the down-low 🤫 Savannah: okay, you don't want that specific dialogue broadcast to your entire dorm, just our mutual appreciation Savannah: I can do that Jac: I can only imagine how enthusiastic the boys would be Jac: and I only care about your enthusiasm Savannah: ugh, true Savannah: I forget too easily that we're not totally on our own once the door is closed, which I'm sure is what lead to that conversation taking place earlier Jac: We aren't the only ones who do that Jac: I swear to God I've heard at least four different girls going next door 🙄 Savannah: 🙄 not to mention I'm still getting woken up by a certain person we don't like just being loud while she undergoes her morning routine, which has literally been happening since I first moved in Jac: I can't deal with how loud she is Jac: the accent makes it so grating Jac: is she trying to be an influencer? make friends? either or 😬 honey no Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'm going to have to start going to bed earlier to compensate once lectures start Jac: She a THOUSAND percent has booked herself all afternoon/evening lectures and won't get why everyone is making such a big deal ??? Jac: so that girl Jac: I do my best work in the AM, that's just facts, not all of us plan to party through the entire experience, come on Savannah: So do I, as you know, so if she doesn't take the numerous hints once they are coming from more than just me, I'll have to move in with you & be that girl Savannah: which would entirely negate all the rational points I made earlier Jac: God, there needs to be a way to complain about her without it being dead obvious Jac: an amnesty box of sorts Jac: I'm still looking for doubles but no one is moving yet Savannah: If I have to befriend her to initiate the behaviour change that way, I guess I'll get used to the accent Savannah: you've said my 🥺 is like a superpower Jac: it would be very on-brand Jac: basically work experience for us Jac: and they are but she might fall for you and then she'd be around even more Savannah: oh no, imagine how vocal she would be if she did Savannah: it would be beyond difficult to cope with Jac: I would not cope Jac: at all Jac: so I shan't imagine it Savannah: 😄 Jac: 😥 Savannah: Baby, don't 😥 Jac: I'll have to go back to being a TOTAL bitch from hell if she dares Savannah: 🥺 no Savannah: you're an angel Savannah: & she isn't worth your time or energy, I am Jac: You Jac: x2 Jac: I don't care about anyone else here Jac: in the nicest way possible, of course Savannah: except [whatever your professor bff's name is] that's evident in the notes you've sent me Jac: Okay, he's pretty cool Jac: and definitely gonna help us get perfect marks Savannah: you definitely don't need his help Savannah: I'd almost forgotten just how intelligent you are Jac: I'll try not to be offended Jac: even though I was still totally convinced you'd be going to Bath before I saw you Savannah: I mean, actually, not in a romanticised way because of how much I was in awe of you Savannah: & I did go there, before I made up my mind which offer to accept & it didn't feel right Jac: I'm only teasing, I know that Jac: 🌌💫 Savannah: we were supposed to be here together, like we always talked about Savannah: I shouldn't have ever tried to fight that Jac: I couldn't even bring myself to check your socials before Jac: I don't know what I didn't want to see more, you know Jac: confirmation either way was just, no Savannah: I understand Jac: If I'd have seen gap year plans with Milo, that would not have been it Savannah: most of the time that we were intending to plan was spent arguing anyway, I'm not sure he really wanted to go at any stage of it Savannah: with me, I mean Jac: You weren't right for each other Jac: he's lost a lot more from that deal than you have Savannah: He'll be having a lovely time in hostels, undoubtedly Savannah: it won't be a culture shock at all Jac: Checks out Jac: authentic experience Jac: inserting himself with all the other foreigners Savannah: 🙄 Savannah: if I thought he had a posh accent, lord knows what they'll think Jac: he'll be stimulating the economy, they'll pretend he's not unbearable Savannah: at least he'll be stimulating something, I suppose Jac: 😂 Jac: you said it, not me Savannah: it speaks to my experience Jac: how anyone has the nerve to 🥱 you when you're so interesting is so offensive to me Savannah: it's not his fault that nobody else could ever be as interesting to me as you are, but he is responsible for the effort, or lack of that he put in Jac: no, it'd take someone really special to fight the 🌌💫 and it's plans for us Jac: and I can imply he wasn't that person, without being petty about it Savannah: it's honesty, he wasn't that person & he'd be the first to say so Jac: you're already happier, aren't you? Jac: on this path, this direction Savannah: yes, the happiest Jac: 😊🥰 Savannah: excuse me while I have one of those moments where I can't believe any of this is really happening & fully expect to wake up in Sligo for the summer to the realisation it was the most incredible dream Jac: It's actually such a fear Jac: I never want to go to sleep when I'm with you Jac: for that reason, and the obvious being I can't look at you with my eyes closed Savannah: but if you don't your subconscious can't talk to me & you know how much I love that Jac: so far Jac: what if I say something totally stupid and betray myself 😱 Savannah: you could never say anything stupid & I know you aren't going to betray yourself or me Jac: You trust me, I trust you Savannah: exactly Jac: if I ever say anything really cringe, you can just not tell me, yeah 😅 Savannah: 😄 like what? Jac: anything our favourite American might say, for example Savannah: she isn't actually going to attempt to flirt with me, boo Jac: I know, she's the definition of straight Jac: bless her Savannah: ^^ she's the only person I would apply the word definition to, literally anyone else has the ability to change & grow but she's CLEARLY set in her loud ways Jac: ^ That's totally the vibe Jac: she made her mind up aged 10 she was right and hasn't moved an inch since, whatever the subject Savannah: you're so right Savannah: What were you like when you were 10? Jac: Oh God Jac: let me think Jac: so, fourth class, absolutely LIVID over the fact we had 2 more years of first school after that Jac: thought I was way too grown-up for EVERYTHING Jac: there was probably some boyband I was into but if there was, I don't remember but Isabelle probably still has the merch and posters on her wall Jac: hopefully I was less insufferable when we properly met those years later Jac: how about you? Savannah: I can totally relate, except of course I thought I was too grown up for boybands too Jac: Totally Jac: it was like a secret shame but she had none, Amelia neither Jac: so I kinda had to go with it Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I had a very overprotective father who wouldn't have let me go to those concerts even if I had wanted to so Jac: it made sense to be anti then Jac: it was a lot of screaming and pre-teen hormones, it might've felt like it at the time, but you didn't miss out on a whole lot Savannah: if there'd been a girl band of that era I'd have been much more likely to have supported them, as a fierce little feminist Jac: Adorable Jac: you were cute, I remember that much Savannah: you've always been cute, I've seen the photos Jac: at least my hair had grown back in a decent amount by then Jac: I was so jealous of yours Savannah: really? I didn't even know how to properly style it back then Savannah: but I still insisted, obviously, instead of letting my mum help me Jac: I liked that Jac: you didn't just let your mum braid it and put a bow in Jac: I have to assume that was my logic when I cut mine Jac: independence, making my own choice Savannah: I thought I could do ANYTHING, it's embarrassing how big my aspirations were Savannah: & that there was no limit on the choices I had, there was total belief in that too Jac: it's nice Jac: I wish we stayed like that Savannah: imagine my 🥺 when I discovered inequality & where I was supposed to fit into it as a black girl, except don't because I was utterly devastated Savannah: we still have big dreams though & more choices than 10 year old me did Jac: I don't wanna cry Jac: you're still going to get everything you want Jac: and you've had to work twice as hard for it, no one can take that away from you Savannah: no 😢 we're both going to have a beautiful life Jac: ✨🌼🌷❤☀️❤🌹🌻✨ Savannah: I'll help you & you'll help me Savannah: now that I'm more willing to accept it than I was as a child Jac: and your hair is undeniably flawless Jac: we can do anything Savannah: Oh my god, it's my turn to be jealous of yours & I always am Jac: the fact you can be jealous of anyone blows my mind Jac: you are perfection Jac: but you can play with my hair all you want now Savannah: but not literally right now 🥺 Jac: life is so unfair Jac: I'm so proud of you though, working so hard Savannah: well I'm even prouder of you, these notes are flawless Jac: I've got my uses, yeah Savannah: [a picture of her own aesthetic af notes so far because we are both those bitches] Jac: [truly, could rinse the studyblr tag with these two] Jac: 😍😍😍 you've picked such pretty colours Savannah: [I have saved some cute psychology ones off pinterest for when they start their studies] Savannah: they do match my outfit but if I start sending pictures of myself I'll never finish Jac: if you start sending pictures of yourself, I'll find it harder to be supportive of your studies Savannah: I miss you too Jac: as long as we're in that together too Jac: I'll survive Jac: my room does need tidying before you get here Savannah: you're adorable, you don't have to tidy up for me Jac: for my notes to look perfect, my room has to get a little messy Jac: oh, and my hair, probably Savannah: I can fix your hair for you after we 🚿 Jac: as long as you don't think I look terrible when you show and run straight back Savannah: I've been 😢 so I don't have any room to judge but even if I did, you could never look terrible & there is no conceivable reason that I'd ever run away from you Savannah: but if you need to shown all of that when I get there, it's okay, I'm happy to Jac: I'm so needy, I'm sorry Savannah: you're allowed to want me & not be sorry Savannah: I definitely don't see it as a negative Jac: Good Jac: I haven't done this before Jac: I don't ever wanna be too much Savannah: well, you aren't doing it alone & I trust us more than the opinion of a random American girl I'm currently stuck living with Savannah: any amount of reassurance you need for any reason, it's fine, I promise Jac: 😌 I'm cool Jac: but thank you Jac: there's no one else I would want to or could do this with Savannah: there's no need to thank me, I'll do anything to make sure you feel happy & secure Jac: and I intend to return the favour, always Jac: in every way available to me Savannah: 😊 I know, I meant what I said earlier, you're very good at this, first time girlfriend or not Jac: I've got to be a worthy competitor and you're 👼🏾 Savannah: Catholic school taught me a lot about 👼🏾 too Jac: I'm so relieved they still had to give you an actual education as well Jac: I can only imagine how hard Science could've fallen by the wayside Savannah: still, I will not be enrolling my 👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾 when they're old enough Jac: at least you don't have to make that decision for a while yet Savannah: which is just as well because my immediate response was 'thank god', how blasphemous Savannah: 🙏🏾 hasn't guided this decision but there is a LOT of  🙌🏾 involved Jac: he'd approve if that was the only precaution you took, like Savannah: his approval would have to eclipse my actual father's disapproval, which is BEYOND unlikely Jac: 🙏🏾 is less vocal Jac: it's more signs than 🔊 Savannah: I think that's ⛪️ dependent, some 🙏🏾🙌🏾 is very vocal Jac: actual GOD himself though Savannah: hmm, well he is a man Savannah: it makes communication more challenging Jac: I'm sure little Savannah would've said herself Savannah: child me would've believed that god is a woman, another dream shattered for sure Jac: a woman wouldn't have done so poorly Jac: it's a compliment, really Savannah: exactly, with the zero communication, it'd be like excuse me honey, why are you so angry at me that you've blocked me? Jac: that kind of drama is reserved for me Savannah: not even, I know what I did to you Jac: you didn't do anything to me, not on purpose, I always knew that Savannah: it wasn't on purpose but that doesn't mean it's okay Savannah: I hurt you anyway Jac: We were both hurt and hurting Jac: it was a lot Savannah: yes, but it's important that you don't make excuses for me simply because of how much you want to forgive me Jac: I won't Jac: I can just recognize my role in everything too Jac: as well as the other factors that neither of us could control Savannah: ^^ we're not going to get hung up on it to the extent that it ruins everything, but we can & will acknowledge it all so that doesn't either Savannah: I do love a balancing act 😄🙄 Jac: You do it flawlessly Jac: but we don't have to examine our past and our current behaviour constantly Jac: night's off are self-care Jac: tonight can be one of them, we'll just be Savannah: okay Savannah: I don't know why it feels like I haven't seen you in a really long time, I swear I didn't fully disassociate during my freak out earlier Jac: I feel it too Jac: judge away, everyone Jac: we're making up for lost time Savannah: they'd understand if I actually let them spend time with you instead of stealing you away on sight Jac: I can't pretend to be devastated Jac: you're the most interesting to me Savannah: I can't pretend I regret it either Jac: 🥰 Jac: we have plenty of time to socialize Jac: and we do, with people who are relevant, like people on our course and the psych society Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: It's not my fault she isn't looking over my shoulder when I'm super active in both of those group chats Savannah: I was literally setting up a study group before she cornered me, excuse her Jac: 🙄🙄🙄 I don't care for her at all, even if she's brought a potential problem to our attention before it was Jac: like thanks but still, bye though Jac: maybe the rest of her art history course does NOT love her either 😬 like if YOU'RE lonely, just say Savannah: mhmm Savannah: if anybody understands loneliness, we do Jac: right, if the ego was taken out of it, we'd try to spend time with her, and loads of other people in your dorm etc would too Jac: she's not helping herself rn Savannah: I also totally understand overconfidence as a front for insecurity, like hello??! She could have an ally in me if she'd approach things differently Jac: 🤞 she gets there before the year is out Jac: I don't want anyone struggling, seriously Jac: but I know forcing friendships when they aren't happening naturally isn't healthy Jac: never mind accepting people's toxic behaviour when we're actively trying not to do or be that Savannah: I couldn't agree more Savannah: though, despite what I said before about her not flirting with me, there is a very high possibility she'll fall in love with you if you keep being so perfect Savannah: everyone will Savannah: it's not as if she has to like girls to appreciate your intelligence, empathy or compassion, even if understanding your resilience & determination is clearly a harder task for her right now Savannah: a beautiful soul is a beautiful soul Jac: 🥺 Jac: Baby Jac: beautiful recognizes beautiful, that's all I have to say Jac: you make me feel so much better than I've ever thought I am Savannah: I can't say if I achieve nothing else while I'm here I'll be satisfied, because you know me better than that, but I am proud to be able to list that as an ongoing one because I've never met a better person than you Savannah: you deserve to feel it Savannah: & if you are what you love, what a good person you are shamelessly works in my favour too Jac: you're the most incredible person I've ever known Jac: it just sounds like a baseless compliment, there's no way to adequately put it, at least not without some serious time and work to try Savannah: not from you, there's no such thing Jac: I'm not the one that can write songs, sadly Savannah: but you could write a song I'd like more Jac: 😅 Savannah: I know he's your brother but no Jac: Don't worry, not a weird clause that to date me you have to think his music is amazing Jac: I'd actually hate that, to be honest Savannah: I'm beyond relieved Jac: I'm relieved no one here knows who he is, or who I am in relation Jac: that was getting annoying, towards the end Savannah: poor boo, I can't even imagine Jac: oh well Jac: this fresh start is going better than I could have even dreamed on my craziest day Savannah: me too & you're really keeping me sane Jac: God knows we've got to get through this experience and THRIVE Savannah: ^^ 👏🏾 Savannah: We will, failure to do so is literally not an option Jac: Exactly Jac: I refuse Jac: to let either of us Savannah: speaking of, these notes are done Savannah: so I'll be there soon Jac: I'll come out with the blasphemy too Jac: because I need to see you so bad now Savannah: It's mutual Jac: Hurry Jac: but don't forget your coat, it's cold Savannah: 🥰 I totally would have for the same reason I don't think either of us can be held responsible for what we're about to say, so thank you Jac: I can't let you freeze Jac: even though warming you up is beyond a welcome responsibility Savannah: & I can't lie, my coat is more fashionable than practical, I'll still need you Jac: You've got me Jac: shower, tea and all the bed cuddles you could want Savannah: you're going to make me cry again Jac: sweetie Jac: you can cry but wait 'til you're inside and with me so we don't have to thaw out the icicle teardrops Savannah: [a picture of her with that glitter tears filter than samantha loves so much because sadly I don't actually have one] Jac: Wow Jac: that's my girlfriend Savannah: I can't get over hearing that from you Jac: I can't get over saying it Jac: even just to myself Savannah: It sounds so different when a boy says it Jac: Yeah? Savannah: I don't even know how to explain it, it's like it stripped me of something instead of giving me something Savannah: it felt like, oh, I'm just your girlfriend now, okay Jac: like a kind of diminishment of who you are Jac: not the pride to be with you and know you and love you Jac: I see that Jac: I was never anyone's girlfriend, but that's the feeling I got from them Jac: a title for THEM not YOU Savannah: of course you understand, you always do Jac: not that I was bothered what they thought Jac: but it would have been upsetting if I was, definitely Savannah: I hate that Jac: it's okay, that's all over Savannah: I'm going to make you so happy Jac: I know you will

[cardioasscular]

Hi Julie! I'm new to tumblr so I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this. I think that I may have autism. I wasn't diagnosed, but I know that some people aren't diagnosed until later in life for a lot of reasons. I'm just curious if you had any advice for figuring out whether I am on the spectrum? I've done some research but it's hard to know where to start. No pressure if you can't/don't want to answer! :) From, Bee

It’s okay! No problem, and feel free to message me any time! I actually don’t know exactly what to tell you in all honesty because I can’t remember what my life was like before I was diagnosed (I was diagnosed at a young age - I think either 3rd or 4th grade). But I can definitely tell you some things that I know about myself/that I’ve experienced that may be able to help you!

-I’ve always had an intense obsession with one specific topic (usually one main one at a time, with others that are still intense, but not AS much), which has varied through the years. Many autistic people call it a “special interest,” mine right now is TGD. The first one I can remember is dogs, which (of course) I still and will always love. 

-Everything used to be way too loud for me. I do remember that I used to wear earplugs and snow earmuffs in the cafeteria in elementary school. Over time, I learned to be able to tolerate loudness more, but it can still get really overwhelming at times, especially if there’s more than one type of noise at the same time (like when I’m at work and the oven and dough presser are both going, along with people talking and phones ringing.)

-I can’t stand certain textures. Mine are greasy things, like liquid butter or bacon (I still eat it, but I have to get almost all of the grease off with paper towels), and those holographic/3D things that people love to scratch (and make THE WORST sound that I can’t stand, either). I have an autistic friend who can’t stand chalk or fleece. It varies - unlike my friend, I love fleece!

-I either talk way too loud when I’m comfortable around people, or if I’m not, I don’t talk much, if at all. I find it hard to look people directly in the eye and tend to look above or below their eyes. 

-Light, like sound, can get intense for me as well. I have to carry sunglasses with me because sometimes, especially if I’m tired because it seems like my sensory overload problems get worse when I’m tired, the sun is just way too bright and I can’t always get inside to avoid it.

-I tend to do some repetitive actions, and they bring me comfort. For example, I run my hands through my hair a lot, and I pick at/bite my nails and the skin around my nails (yeah, I know, it’s not good for me, I’m trying to kick that habit).

-I find “fidget toys” useful. My favorite are these spinner rings that I have: I have one that’s blue and silver and one that’s kind of rainbow-ish and silver - I got them as a set of 2 on Amazon for like $10 if you think you’d enjoy them!

-I love to hold and squeeze things like pillows and stuffed animals. It’s comforting to me, and the pressure feels amazing - I REALLY want one of those weighted blankets, but they’re expensive and I’m not 100% certain that I’d use it as much as I’d want to (I get really hot at night). 

-When I’m overloaded, sometimes I shut down. I don’t talk, I barely move, I space out, and I stare at one specific spot. Sometimes it scares both other people and myself because they don’t know what’s going on, and I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t physically get the words out. 

-Sometimes I feel my own emotions too intensely. If something makes me really excited, some people would say that I get “too excited.” On the other hand, the worst part is when I’m sad or upset because a minor thing that might make someone else stressed or sad (for example, I got confused about when lab met last week and missed it, and ended up having a meltdown because of it. Most people would probably be stressed and/or upset, but wouldn’t be as upset as I got.)

-On the flip side, I have an EXTREMELY hard time feeling for other people, which I hate because it makes me seem like the stereotypical “empathy-less autistic.” It’s hard for me to relate to others’ troubles, and even though I try to be comforting, I always feel like I’m not doing it right, or that I’m making it worse. There actually have been times when I HAVE made it worse, and it made me feel completely shitty. I’m horrible at giving advice (so if none of this helps, I am extremely sorry). 

-I’m horrible at teaching and giving advice. I have difficulty saying exactly what I mean sometimes, which means that sometimes, people get the wrong idea, or they just don’t understand what I’m trying to say. Most of the time, it’s fine and I can just explain more and people eventually know what I mean, but it’s gotten me into some deep shit before. 

-I’m incredibly observant, which is both a blessing and a curse at times given the situation. I notice things that others may not. A good example was when a few weeks ago, my psychology professor was trying to log into the computer, which was projected on the front of the room. It kept giving the “username/password is incorrect” message, and I noticed that she had accidentally hit the spacebar and there was a space before her username, which fixed the problem. A bad example is when there’s a ton of noise, like I mentioned earlier, or multiple people having multiple conversations. 

I could give so many more examples, but I feel like this is already much longer than I wanted in the first place. 

One thing that I would try is to ask some people around you that you love and trust if they notice any typical actions that seem “weird.” If you’re close with your parents, ask about your actions as a child. 

Questions like, “When did I start talking?” “Did I seem unattached to Mom/Dad at first?” “Did I have any ‘odd’ obsessions?” “Did I fit in with other children my age, or did I stand out due to ‘weird’ actions?” may help. 

Observe your actions, and see if you catch yourself doing something that you don’t know exactly “why” you’re doing it, that other people don’t typically seem to do. 

One thing that I think would really help, if you haven’t already, make some in-person friends (online friends are wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but most of the time you can’t see how your online friends act) who are autistic! Observe some of their behavior, maybe ask a few questions like, “why do you do (x)?” and explain that you have some questions about autism, that you’d like to have a better understanding. Although I do feel uncomfortable talking about myself a majority of the time, I am always happy to explain to others who have a good heart and just want to understand, learn, and support. 

Every autistic person is different, so what others may do/feel may not apply to you, and that’s perfectly okay! 

It’s always good to ask questions, and I don’t know about your situation, but many public K-12 schools do some academic testing that can point you in the right direction. If you’re a university student (I’m not 100% sure about it, but the University of Tennessee in Knoxville does this), maybe look into your school’s psychology program. Students (under the direction of their professors, of course) can perform academic testing. I think this does cost, though, and I have no idea what the prices are. My college’s disabilities services program sent me to UT for testing and paid for it so I could have updated information, as my last evaluations were done in elementary school. 

Again, feel free to message me any time! I’m usually available, but sometimes I do get busy, which is why (and I’m so sorry about this) I took a super long time and answered you super late. 

(If you’re autistic as well and have any advice to offer, please feel free to add on!) 

[nobodyedgingin]

The great unfriending experiment

Rizza Swerte S. Urbina

BA-COMMUNICATION II

The conception of facebook to humanity has established myriad of social outcomes in such a way that it could shade or benefit a relationship. Harmonious relational process doesn't only resort in physical interactions. Computer mediated communication has also imparted most of the its maintenance since numerous of social platforms were attached in our daily fixture.

I only have a couple of thousand friends in my Facebook account and being an active user for about six years now, I can say that I have established remarkable friendships over the internet. Aside from bridging a distant loved-ones, Facebook has also maintained some of the relationships I had throughout those years. However, even though these preferred people share the same world with me, there are still those who I personally know but should be out of my online terrain and there are people who I don’t personally know but worthy of contact saving.

Upon immersing with the academic exercise which requires unfriending not-so-close relationship to close ones, I already had a particular Facebook friends in my mind who could be possible participants of the experiment. I chose to block my high school friend “Lavinia” whom I disclosed some of my private information before and we never lost contact prior with the experiment. She was my best friend that’s why she’s the best candidate for the unfriending experiment. For the not-so-close friends, I chose Marie Ann and Charlissa who I share the same Dormitory. For the 7 others, I chose strangers.

For each level of friendship, I felt anxious of what Lav would think of me. I had double thoughts in choosing her because of the fact that we never had fights before though there were reservation I think we had individually, in the relationship. But then I am still trilled of the reaction I will be eliciting. Meanwhile, I am very much excited for those 2 not-so close friends because of close proximities standing among us. They can’t ask me what’s wrong because were not that close but then they can observe me at a distance. For those 7 others, it was really not an issue for me since these people are strangers.

Since Lavinia has already children of her own, we kind of not chatting from time to time occupied of mother duties and the fact that I'm still studying. So, I blocked her in messenger. I know she immediately noticed it because we have a group chat together with our other friends. Two days after the experiment, I browsed her Facebook account and surprised to see nothing from the results. I told “Rio” who is a mutual friend of ours, to search for her account and see if she really blocked me. He then confirmed Lavinia’s account’s existence. From that moment on, I realized that she got mad because of it. “Why would she block me too?” “Does that imply that she doesn’t trust me?”, Will she understand why there’s a need for me to delete her in my messenger?” These are some of the questions I have contemplated. But then the activity was so effective that it made Lavinia to delete me also in her friends list.

I told everything to Rio in light of the said experiment. I asked him to screenshot our conversation and send it to Lavinia to give clarification of my side. However, when I asked him for updates, he told me that she was unable to reply his messages and that led me to conclude that Lavinia's madness has gone really troublous. Until now, we haven't yet exchanged words about the incident and I don't want to bring that up again because I might sound lying or desperate.

The two participants whom I usually get to stumble upon, didn't find out the unfriending activity. However when I re-friended them, they immediately accepted my request and told me that they remember us being friends already. I explained everything to them and they just laughed and appreciated that they were recognized as my close friends ( though I didn't tell them what level of friendship).

For the seven strangers, one of them gave me a request anew and accepted it. The rest didn't have any reaction. Anyway, I didn't make efforts in adding them again. I consider it as social detox.

When I chose who to unfriend between two friends, I considered their proximities. When a friend is within my geographical radar, I would not unfriend him/her for the reason that we might experience awkwardness. At least if the person is away, he or she might just let it.

If there is a friend that I could never unfriend, It would be my best friend Caroline. I would never eliminate her in my friends list because she's too kind and very sincere to me. Unfriending her would affect my relationship with her family since they are the closest people I have next to my real family.

To conclude, the great unfriending experiment made me realize that even cmc bridges our relationship with others, it is still imperative to exploit physical interaction in order to discern tangible cues and non verbal warmth which are very essential in building trust. Thus, eliminating connections which emanates adversarial factors to our lives encourage growth in our social engagement.