#I don't think I've learned anything new tbh but it did put some thoughts I had into words

[arabela25]

this is good

[fandom-susceptible]

So I've been thinking about where The Dragon Prince left things after Season 7, especially since they had to wrap it up so quickly and it doesn't look like they're likely to get full ten seasons.

I'm still very unsettled by Terry. I know he had his whole "Zuko here" moment and "redemption arc", but it rings hollow for me for a guy who spent the previous several seasons totally cool with a genocide against his own people as long as it was Claudia doing it. I super don't buy his shock and dismay at Claudia trying to kill the illusion of her mother after what he himself did to Ibis. I want to know where he came from and why he's okay with Dark Magic, just so long as it's not Aaravos.

Which is only loosely tied into a thought I wanna dwell on more, but is somewhat important background information for my thought process.

So at the end of Season 7, Soren, Corvus, Pyrrah, and Terry take off looking for King Harrow in the body of Pip the songbird. They wouldn't even know to look except that Runaan confirmed that King Harrow didn't fight back at the assassination, and instead just squawked, and Corvus put the pieces together.

Ezran is still struggling to forgive Runaan for his part in Harrow's death, which I think actually adds to his depth of character. He's no longer an innocent child - the "true soul", "death of innocence" theme from this season was strong, and Ezran is the peak example of it. He must find a way to balance his ideals with the pain that far more adult figures have been struggling with for years. Callum made a good point bringing up that he forgave Zubeia, and we didn't get to see Ezran's response, but imo his reaction to Callum's betrayal sort of fills in the blanks. It was Zubeia's mate and son that she thought were dead. I can see how that would make more sense for a kid like Ezran, who grew up with very strong familial bonds and values, than Runaan and the other assassins carrying out revenge for someone else when they have no personal grudge of their own.

Anyways. Consider.

Pip/Harrow's been missing for three years now. That bird could be anywhere on either side of the continent by now, though he is living with the mind of a king. He's also nowhere near Katolis, or Ezran would have found him already, from going to talk to "Pip" and finding that the bird is carrying an entirely different soul.

So imagine, in that time lapse in the final episode, Soren and Corvus come back and confess that they haven't found anything of worth. The last maybe-sighting of Pip was from some soldiers in Viren's army who thought they saw the bird following them into the Sunfire plains in Xadia. It's been two years, and they don't know.

So Rayla says she knows someone who might be able to help. The best tracker in Xadia. He can find anyone on the Xadian side of the border, and anyone he's ever tried to find in the Human Kingdoms too. He's diligent and has only ever missed one target. If anyone can track down King Harrow, it's him . . . but Ez isn't going to like it.

Runaan.

And at first Ezran doesn't. But Rayla makes a point, and Corvus and Soren aren't having any luck on their own or with Terry (if he's even relevant, tbh, if I write it he probably won't be because i am still disturbedd by that guy). So he agrees - with conditions, of course.

Runaan is hesitant when he's told the news, and when Ezran asks him why, he just delicately points out that a king in the body of a bird is also a bird with none of the instincts of a bird, and may not have survived regardless of the war, unless he's learned how to feed himself and managed to avoid all possible predators for three years straight.

Ezran acknowledges it, tells him that's something he's . . . preparing for. But Corvus gets to make the call that they've searched too much and Harrow is likely dead. Not Runaan.

So the terms are agreed to and Runaan ends up going on a road trip with Soren and Corvus. Please imagine the comedic value of dignified older assassin in the midst of a major cultural deconstruction trying to do serious business with Soren. Especially Soren and Corvus. And the flip side - imagine Soren and Corvus seeing what Xadia is like towards Moonshadow elves, especially ones of Runaan's description (tall, menacing, leader, broken horn, homosexual - am I talking about Runaan or Kim'dael). Possibly featuring an appearance from the surviving Dragonguard, and Runaan's reaction to Hendyr specifically, the Skywing elf who KNEW Tiadrin and Lain stayed to protect the egg and chose not to save it or to clear their names.

[subtle-as-an-earthquake]

i am finally home and i'm pretty knackered but aaaahhh what a weekend!! ✨✨ so much happened in such a short amount of time, i'm still processing i think (also some personal stuff, that i won't bore you with). but yeah, the shows were absolutely epic, they were such good crowds for london standards. very rowdy but overall the atmosphere was amazing, and tbh that's probably in part because miles just exudes such incredible energy himself, if you ask me

just a little snippet of don't forget who you are from yesterday (night two) to illustrate:

also, a few random things i'm remembering now (which i'll put under the cut because i apparently remembered more than i thought):

miles seemed really really into it both nights, and really centered somehow? he was clearly having a blast and had everyone eating out of the palm of his hand, he's just SUCH an incredible showman. that's nothing new of course, but I was once again struck by just how very special and awe inspiring and just incredibly fun it is to watch him do his thing on stage. no one does it like miles fucking kane, baby

also, there were so many men in the audience who were just really letting go during the show, hugging their mates and singing the lyrics at each other, even full on crying when miles played colour of the trap (not even kidding, actual tears streaming down their faces). i don't think i've ever seen that at another gig to that extent, really. miles and his music seem to have - for want of a better phrase - a sort of liberating effect on a lot of men that's really nice to witness

on night one miles slipped on a spilled drink on stage and took a little tumble, but he recovered like a king and honestly it just made him look even cooler somehow lol

his arms and shoulders......... are sooooooo...... 🔥🔥🔥 dear fucking lord. his shoulders are broader than ever and honestly it was very hard to concentrate on anything else 🫠

after the show, we were chatting to ben for a bit who was just the sweetest and again talked about how he was a fan first (of arctic monkeys and tlsp and miles) and then sort of organically came to be a part of the band, and has just been having the time of his life so far! we were still chatting to him when miles came out after night 1, and when everyone started whooping, ben started screaming 'aaaaaahhh miles!!!' really loudly as a joke, before starting an impromptu chorus of the don't forget who you are 'la la la' that everyone joined in on. it was pretty hilarious

liam was super sweet too, and when he learned that i was dutch he was like 'oh we're playing a show in holland next week!' so i was like 'i know, i'm going!' and then he offered to put me on the guestlist, which was very kind of him even though i already have tickets lmao. he and ben both were very excited for that show for some reason, which made me even more excited as well!!

after night two ben and liam shared a massive hug outside and they both seemed really emotional, which was very sweet to see 🥺

nathan is the loveliest man alive. he said this tour was definitely the best one yet because the energy's just been amazing! he also asked us what are favourite album and song of the night was (his own fave was never taking me alive) and when I mentioned i just loved the bassline in coup de grace so much, he said it was as fun to play as it sounds, and that on the album it was actually miles who played it (that's probably common knowledge, but i didn't know!)

he also said that the band really is very close and they're all equals, and miles always says "we", and that he really is as kind and lovely as he seems 🥺 i mean, we knew that, but it was still really lovely to hear!

and of course, miles was once again just the most wonderful, gracious man ever with his fans, chatting to as many people as he could and taking pics with them and cooing at turtle paraphernalia, all while looking and smelling absolutely diviiiiine. he did seemed pretty knackered though, especially after night two, but that makes sense i think. and yet he still came out! truly a hero

as for my own chat with him, i for some reason went up to him like 'hiiiiiiiiiiiii' with my hands held out to him (idk man), and he just reciprocated my enthusiasm and took my hands and then held them and looked me in the eye while i rambled at him about how incredible i thought the show and he himself were, and he was just completely lovely, as always 🥺 such an angel

oh and finally, maxie is apparently staying with miles's mum while miles is on tour 🥺

i'm sure i'm forgetting things but this is already long enough 🙈 going to catch some zzz's now, i need them after this weekend

[dark-overlord-of-rainbows]

Drawn Aug 26 2024 If this weren't so long I'd add their personalities here but since it is and I ended up writing it down here anyway I'll just let you read it on the old art. Put off posting this one for a while Since I've only gotten the chance to figure out what they look like once and I did not put any thought into the colours their designs were.. pretty bad tbh. The very first of mine is always gonna have it's issues and I've got other bad first drafts that I haven't posted... but I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, it was pretty egregious. I did want to work on my outfit design as well though, so I put a bit more thought into the details, and used reference for the clothes again* (I had to put belts on my arm to figure out how the wrinkles on Suchai's shirt would work lol) *used to do this more when learning how to draw clothes at first, but I haven't done it in a while and there's a lot of details I didn't really understand still Bunch of other doodles and such too Anyway, design/character notes:

I've mentioned before but Suchai is 4'9"/145cm, and 5'0"/152cm with heels. Pitchaya is 5'5"//165cm

The little bird is back! I've only drawn them once and they still need a name but they're a strawberry finch (or red avadavat, red munia) that can shapeshift. Usually taking the form of clothes/tools when not just a bird I didn't like the old green and a lot of characters I have use similar palettes anyway so I should try to move away from those... but I wasn't gonna change their hair or Pitchaya's eyes so I moved to red/blue/yellow ig. Kitty ended up getting a lot of the yellow that only accents these two, I don't exactly know what another character- Kristian will get yet (I have some ideas though) I haven't said outright 'til now but Pitchaya is a trans boy. His binder has always been visible in his design. Suchai on the otherhand is cis, however: 1. he's sometimes assumed to also be trans and/or gets mistaken as way younger than he is and/or misgendered too 2. honestly both the brothers kinda just. forget he's cis sometimes. Sign of a good ally..? Also a detail from the beginning but Pitchaya's eyes are two colours, although it kinda looks like it could be just shadow. I tried pulling in the dark blue/black instead of using the ink colour to try to make it more obvious but of course it didn't change anything I don't know why I thought it would lol. I've just been drawing it the same way I did before Since Suchai's pants became black I had to change the colour of his gloves and shoes, but he has an alt outfit I haven't drawn of the blacks and browns swapped. Similar situation with his heels turning red here, and will get black heels too. Pitchaya would have a lot more outfits than Suchai. Partially personality reasons, but also it's because it's harder/more expensive getting good quality clothes in Suchai's size (but you know what? at least it exists) Speaking of pants, Suchai's dress pants are scuffed at the knees because he's clumsy as hell. I considered making his horns and mask scuffed as well since he faceplants a lot, but I didn't end up doing it here. Pitchaya's got skinny jeans now, it makes his shoulders and hair look bigger & draw a bit more attention up there I think, though I might need to edit the colours of his pants and shoes further at some point Dress shoes fit with Suchai's new outfit and the vibe I was going for with him but also I needed a pair of shoes for him when he's not in those heels. In universe he needed non-heels because he always yells at Pitchaya for not taking care of his health and he will not be a damn hypocrite in front of that kid! Pitchaya hates sleeves, he will rip them off any clothes or refuse to wear things with sleeves... which is all fine 'til the temperatures hit the negatives* Suchai wears exclusively long sleeves, and in general usually just covers up. He's technically doing better in the summer than Pitchaya in winter, but the man is dramatic. *in celsius I mean, under 32f for the americans…. I'm from Canada though, so I am well acquainted with what would be negatives in farenheit too lmao. I don't know and don't care what the actual extremes are for these characters' weather

[shadale-s-safe-space]

I don't know much about you as a person, but from what I can gather you've had a long journey with art, but still have the motivation to continue even when its rough. I'm sure you didn't start out making masterpieces, so if its not too much trouble, do you have any advice for a 16 year old artist losing motivation? i feel like im stagnating right now and its awful

Idk man, all I can say is, draw watchu want without the care who's gonna see it or what they gonna say , commit to new ideas and care less about pleasing everyone, because I know that way too well, I started learning by drawing animals, flowers and nature, "you should draw something else", switches to furries " No you must do human portraits", draws humans *no one fuckin cares*, and I felt miserable drawing what I didn't want all the damn time just trying to please everyone and be liked, hell, I still do that sometimes cuz I'm a dumbass. When in reality, when you do your own thing is when you're the happiest, this internet bullshit? Yeah don't trust the likes and favs, people like what they find relatable, no one really knows how much time you've spent on your drawing or how much you love it, when a 5 min doodle you did could do more than a painting that took 2 whole days to complete just to be scrapped in a new speedy record, paint what you love for yourself and you only.

Don't be shy to learn new things, I have tons of stuff I don't post here cuz I know people wouldn't care about it, but here for this post, have this that I practiced when I felt too depressed to think of anything good and wanted to step back from the MD artstyle

You'll see, you'll thrive when you draw what you want, and get yourself a drawing buddy! That way you'll stop focusing on the internet and more on each other, and each other's improvement. Tbh I struggled with that one. Since everyone I had were not into art irl, I somehow managed to find someone after 10 years of drawing alone. I honestly wanted more people to join in and make an improvement circle, but unfortunately that never happened.

I found myself twice as productive now than ever, even though I'm not active here as much I am still drawing and making things, ofc giving you more comics! And other fun things in the future I hope.

If you're struggling to draw something just do it, man commit, i was uncomfortable drawing men and male characters for years, I've wasted so many years being "too uncomfortable" and draw a naked person like yeesh who fucking cares, it's for studying.

And ofc if you feel like you're not improving at all please, please experiment with your artstyle and try something new, please refresh your mind, I was stuck for years doing the same thing over and over, same colors, same 2px brush, drawing like a machine same shit over and over, I felt so stuck and lost, but also afraid to do something new, idk why, I guess I never felt good enough or deserving of it. I also didn't go to art school, I am NOT a professional, nor will i ever be in my opinion. Hell, me feeling like I'll never be good enough left me afraid to try and apply for art school, they were asking for sculptures, different mediums all that scary stuff and I was like, I don't.. know.. how to do those things... I can't build a portfolio in less than 3 months?!?! I don't even know how to use half of what they're asking for!!

In reality at the end of the day, art is what you make of it and no one can stop you, search for inspirations and don't be afraid to try, yes you'll fail fist 2 or 10 or hell even 100 times, but you'll come back with more knowledge than ever.

For ending I give you the most confusing drawing to ever exist [dw he's just sleeping on top of her and she's just ghasping for air but awe romance or sum lol] is it weird? Yeah but I had a fun time making it hahaha

Idk I'm bad at putting my thoughts together, but hopefully some of this helps.

[aihoshiino]

chapter 138 thoughts

ruby's honkshoosnorkmimimi pajamas are back fuck 137 this is REAL cinema

All joking aside, there's a lot less to talk about in (MOST) of this chapter, though that's obviously by design. This is a cool down chapter (FOR THE MOST PART) to give us (SOME) breathing room in the aftermath of the RBKN fight and while it's not totally devoid of substance, it is for the most part just a good time spent with some members of the cast who haven't gotten as much focus lately and it does what it sets out to do pretty well, aside from some minor gripes here and there. I won't lie, I smiled a ton while reading this one even if I don't have so much as half as much to say about it as I did 137.

That said, my first gripe off the bat is the biggest one which is, once again, the total lack of reaction from Aqua to… literally anything that just happened. 135 didn't really go that deep into his feelings and despite 136 very deliberately highlighting Aqua's presence during the filming of that pivotal scene and even focusing on his stunned reaction to Ruby's adlib, he is jarringly absent from 137 and the return to Aqua focus here (even if we are still being excluded from his POV) feels all the more sudden and strange for not patching that back up. I've already said a ton about what I think of Aqua being written this way recently so I'll just reiterate that if this is an intentional choice, I still really don't like it.

Moving onto things I did enjoy about this chapter: basically everything else! For some reason that panel of Taiki outside Aqua's place in his car absolutely fucking killed me, if nobody makes an edit of him saying GET IN LOSER WE'RE GOING SHOPPING i'm gonna have to do it myself. frill's lil sippy drink too. god bless.

Taiki and Frill are honestly kind of he MVPs of this chapter. Their banter is fun and Frill is, as usual, an unparalleled delight. Her inviting Memcho along and casually admitting it's because Mem is her oshi……. Frill is the most powerful Oshi no Ko character because she can effortlessly flirt with girls AND boys. Bisexual women truly are stronger than God.

himekawa crashing his car is like the funniest thing that's ever happened in this manga imagine being the wettest funniest most pathetic little failboy in a manga where aqua hoshino is the lead character

mem continuing to be the last person to realize she's in the manga she's in was also really good. the psychological toll of being the only normal person in oshi no ko

The talk that the gang has when Mem finally starts putting two and two together is basically my other only gripe about this chapter, though I do really like it in a lot of other ways. Mem's expression when she finally puts together just how young Kamiki would have been when Himekawa was conceived and what that means for both Kamiki and Airi was more excellent expression work from Mengo -- tbh she has been killing it on the character work in general these last few chapters.

This does, however, imply something very interesting about the movie which is that Kamiki's victimization at the hands of Airi may not be part of it. If it was in the script, this would not be new information to Mem the same way Himekawa and Aqua's relationship is but she seems genuinely sincerely aghast when she puts it together. This (AMONG OTHER THINGS) raises some really interesting questions as to exactly how Kamiki (or 'Boy A', as it seems) is being incorporated into the movie's story and how his relationship with Ai is going to be portrayed.

From here, this potentially recontexualizes Himekawa's lack of reaction to the script. He didn't learn this information through those means and in fact seems to have taken the role specifically because he already knew and because he feels some sense of responsibility or even just a desire to take on and purify the weight of the sins his parents committed. This does resolve my issue with how quickly Himekawa seems to adjust to this new information, because it turns out to not be new info… but it does end up just sort of coming back around to my original issue of Himekawa not being given the time or focus to process this.

Honestly… now that I think about it, it's kind of a lot worse?! Given what he shared of their (presumed) family history with Aqua in chapter 68, it's pretty clear he had no idea what Airi had actually done. Aqua himself only finds out the truth in chapter 98 so we can presume he shared this info with Himekawa at some point… just, you know, entirely offscreen with no indication this had happened or that they were still in regular contact and, once again, with no time or focus spent on Himekawa finding out and coming to terms with the idea of his mother being a child rapist. We've had almost 40 entire chapters since that point… are you really gonna tell me we had no time for that??

It's frustrating for a lot of reasons but mostly because it makes this conversation fall a little flatter than I think it COULD have if we had more time following Himekawa as he processed his feelings about it. Just one of those things I wish OnK would take more time to breathe with.

rip himecarwa we'll never forget you

ANYWAY. LET'S TALK ABOUT THE REAL STAR OF THIS CHAPTER. BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK

i'm only mostly kidding here the explosion of kamiki thirstposting in the wake of this chapter was so funny we are all hoshino ai

Anyway, all joking aside, this was a really interesting conversation in terms of the implications it has for Kamiki's involvement in the movie. Off the bat, it addresses the issue that's been kind of the elephant in the room which is that you can't just… make movies about real people without their permission! This chapter explicitly clarifies that everyone involved in the movie gave their permission for it to happen (which explains some of the in-universe fictionalized elements; without permission to do certain things, the story has to be changed to accommodate it) but that the movie equivalent of Kamiki doesn't even have a name. Given that this is a movie intended to 'kill' Kamiki as revenge, it raises some shrimptresting question as to wtf the final product will even be

This also confirms Kamiki to be at least a step or two ahead of Aqua here; some folks were speculating that he had Nino as his spy on the production but given Kaburagi's presence here - and the fact that he most certainly seems to know more about Kamiki than he's letting on - it looks to me like my man already has people at the top feeding him information. Not only that but he's sponsoring the very movie supposedly set to destroy him? Very shrimptresting… I don't know that we'll find out what Kamiki's up to anytime soon but hearing more about his involvement was exciting anyway.

also just one final shout out for that final page of Kamiki. It feels like Mengo changed his design a bit so he's not so much of a flat out Aqua Clone and I do like said changes. my man hasn't slept a DAY since ai died.

[madamescarlette]

A few years ago I did a full-length version of this tag, which I thought would be a fun thing to revisit for this NYE! (You should do this too, if you feel so inclined! count this as me tagging you.)

share your favorite memory of this year.

I can't really tell you anything but multiple flashes that I hold close to my heart-- my mother sitting up in bed laughing over something I said about my brother, my whole family dancing at my brother's wedding hand-in-hand, one of my friends saying wistfully it was so good to hear me & my teammate's voices on the phone, me driving home the first evening it felt like fall and watching the leaves swirl around the street, me seeing a tiger (!!!) in the spring. A beautiful year, if a hard one!

2. what was the highlight of your year?

Most likely my brother's wedding! It tinged the year in such a golden light.

3. list the top five books you read this year.

In no particular order (except for the Q love u Q), The Q, The Carrying, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane, The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating, and the entire Frieren series tbh.

4. list the top five movies you watched this year.

Past Lives (movie of my HEART), Twisters, Miss Potter (my first rewatch since childhood and 😭😭), The Fall Guy, and tbh Return to Me (I think of it often!)

5. list the top five tv series you binged this year.

Hmmmm....this is always difficult! I would say, Abbott Elementary (my beloved), Psych (extra points for watching with my brother), Summer Strike (peaceful show of my heart), ??????, I rewatched Makanai which I love dearly but I swear I cannot remember off the top of my head anything else I watched, liked, and finished.

6. what is the one new thing you discovered this year (could be a place/hobby/song etc)?

I started learning SQL and that somehow to me was such a joy! And after reading The Hurting Kind book Ada Limón finally got into my heart for realsies this time and I think that's magical.

7. top three albums that you played this year?

I think I'm going to do a ranking on all their own, but peeeeersonally I think the albums that most were There for me were Charm by Clairo, Vertigo by Griff, Positive Spin by Gretta Ray. (Honorable mention to TTPD that has been with me through it all, it just feels too vast for me to really put a pin in it for just this year, you know?)

8. your spotify wrapped #1 song

These Walls – Dua Lipa, which I don't fully know what to say about it except that the shiny sparkly sound somehow makes me feel so bright and emotional at the same time.

9. your spotify wrapped top artist

Taylor forever.

10. your personal song of the year.

It's not even from this year! But You've Already Won by Gretta Ray song of all time to ME. It can simply hold a whole life in its hand and I love that so. Also a little shoutout to Down Bad which can still make me cry 8 months 10,000 listens later.

11. what is an achievement that you are proud of this year?

not necessarily any singular achievements. I'm proud of how much time I've spent with my mom, I think. I'm proud of how much I've grown in regards of my work. It's been a year of quiet (if grueling) growth and I'm proud of that.

12. what are your goals for the next year?

My goals? I think mostly that I'm setting some writing goals (daily journaling, quarterly chapbooks, 20k of a book draft) and I want to pick up boxing again as I've let it lapse this month.

13. any three book releases you are excited for next year.

I'm soooo out of the loop here, alas. There's new Maggie Stiefvater that I will read, there's new Emily Henry I will probably read.

14. any three upcoming movies/tv series that you are excited for next year.

tentatively excited for new Superman, tentatively excited for second half of Wicked, always excited for more Abbott Elementary.

15. if you could change one thing about the past year what would it be?

very little! I had to go through it to come out of the other side of it. (And when it shines out it'll shine all the clearer or something of the sort.)

16. did you manage to stick to your new year’s resolutions this year?

Not even a little! I was going to use this year to try to draw something every day, which I failed horribly at, but I think that's only to be expected. Still, I want to use my resolutions to create more little spaces of FUN in my life again. I've missed them horribly.

17. do you have any new year’s resolutions for the next year?

My only real, true type of resolution is simply to have FUN. While I've still had lots of big, beautiful joys this year, I've not delighted as I ought to, and I want to bring that part of myself back. Learn some new dances, learn to make sourdough, things along that line. Just get back into the motions of living and find myself swept up by the verve of it all. That's my one bit of resolve.

18. favorite meme of the year?

I could not tell you the name of a meme right now if you told me my life depended upon it. I love the bit we have of using substitutes because we don't do suicidal ideation anymore here babes. I love the resurgence of the children's hospital red meme.

19. which month was the most fun this year?

The most fun?! I mean, probably...October? It's hard to tell because there were challenges in so many! But I laughed the most in October so it must be then.

20. if you could tell yourself something at the beginning of this year based on what you know right now, what would it be?

I mean...I think more than anything I'd just want to reassure myself of the past that it's really, really okay, and you have more strength and power within you than you might think. Also, even though it sucks and it's uphill work, if you want this to be a place full of love you have to be the one to put it there, you can't just luck your way into it, you yourself have to put your heart on the line and become love itself to the people you're given to care for. And that's something wonderful to take part in!

21. favorite viral trend of the year?

I looooove the international Mikus with ALL my heart. They're what make life worth living 💛💛

22. list any three new things you learned this year (could be recipes, a new skill, etc.)

This is the hardest thing for me to recall. I learned how to make arrozcaldo at last? And I started learning SQL as I said. I started properly, FINALLY learning the different forms of poetry at the beginning of the year (I know, I know, I'm shamefully self-taught) but a lot of it has fallen out of my brain. I need to set it more in my bones, I think.

23. how would you describe your year in a word?

Enduring, is a good one I think. It's been quite a year for gritting my teeth and bearing it, alas. But it's also been a year of fruitful, beautiful friendship and fellowship, a year of becoming greater company to myself and to others. Luminous would be another fitting word, actually! There's been a lot of beauty and grace granted to me, and I am very, very grateful. There's something bittersweet in leaving behind any year, and this year just as much as any! I'll never live it again. But I can live a new one, and that's just as magical in its own right. I hope I'm brave enough to meet it!

[variousqueerthings]

OKAY ten episodes into due south and we've got some new takeaways + some doubling downs

just had the christmas episode which means "just had the episode where fraser hallucinates his dad" and I am. very sure. that this show will never come to this conclusion, but mr benton fraser, your dad was not a good dad, and "wishing you'd spent more time with him so you could learn more" was never your fault and also... all this hero-worship for a man you didn't know, because he made it so you didn't know him, you may have had an icon/figure/image you wanted to emulate, but you didn't have a dad

also im perhaps doing fraser sr. a disservice, but I really do wonder about how long he knew about the dam. this was his area after all. but i think it's comforting to fraser jr to think his dad was only briefly hooked and then did the right thing immediately, but going by the hunter idk... also darnit benton fraser get that man down from the pedestal, you're doing yourself an injury craning your neck to look up all the time, when he's not worth it! (but also big big fan of this as a major blindspot he has, characterwise)

also in the christmas episode some rare rare ray backstory, and his father was abusive, so we're really getting guy A: absent father whom he wishes desperately to still be the perfect son for and live up to the Ideal of (benton) and guy B: abusive father who taught him to duck and to never hit kids (cos they don't learn anything from it), which is a very clear background for his cynicism and sense that people don't improve that we meet him with

TO GO BACK SOME EPISODES:

Pizzas and promises: fraser in ray's clothes (ray is now keeping them in a shrine in his closet)

I have said this before (somewhere to someone) and I will say it again: I like to read asexuality and aromanticism into characters, I enjoy it, I especially enjoy finding ways it can work with established canon (say, a character who does have relationships, ok so how does this work, etc) but. BUT. Benton Fraser. there's no reach?? that's just an aromantic asexual man there. to the point that it's a recurring joke that this beautiful beautiful man does not wish to flirt (or doesn't understand it's happening), does not want someone undressing in front of him (sexually, he clearly doesn't mind ray taking a shower), does not even consider himself as a sexually attractive person and is continuously surprised whenever someone else does, etc. have been informed that paul gross at one point said he doesn't think he's a virgin, which ofc opens up all kinds of new doors to think about (idk if this is ever established in the show, so we'll see, because it obvs changes the direction of thought depending on if yes or no)

but yeah, fraser literally holding a hand over his eyes because he's so disturbed by the car saleswoman undressing and then saying something like: "oh... dear. an accident..." before running out (hand still over his eyes...) -- also in that episode we have one of several "ray saves fraser in a desperate last-ditch way and fraser seems to think it's all premeditated and ray is a little frustrated" which plays very well into hc's about ray wanting fraser to Pls Stop Constantly Putting Yourself In Bodily Harms Way!!!!

Chinatown: ofc he speaks chinese. this is also such a Community Episode, continuing the idea that fraser is becoming this big name around the [insert chicago area] known for helping people (+ i bet he'd get free meals in chinatown for the rest of his life). also ray's face when he ordered at the restaurant was perfect -- just when fraser couldn't get more larger-than-life...

chicago holiday prt 1+2: ok well, obvs it's all about the bdsm club - fascinating that it's not something that makes fraser more uncomfortable than just every day life, which tbh, tracks as an aroace (in this case especially the ace part of it), because everything is sexual all the time, leather isn't distinctively sexual. "punish me I've been bad" made me fucking cackle though. y'all want fraser to be a dom so badly. that man is not a dom. at best he could do some praise kink, but that's all he's got in him - the fact that there are two police raids on this place. and like. it's not just queer people in there necessarily, but it definitely has several queer people. and the police chief calls them perverts. it's very much the overlap between kinkphobia and queerphobia (which, ultimately, is almost the same thing, in that queers are considered kinky, and kink is considered queer). so i'd say it's probably the worst look we've seen for the local police force so far BUT it does fit with the overarching setting that is: ---- systemic, casual injustice and bigotry ---- full of real-world people ---- also a little bit of a fairytale (fraser's pov of the world) ---- plays into explorations of ray who has one foot in the "real" world (which is unjust and cruel and harsh and he's just trying to survive in it without getting into too much trouble, he's just "doing his job") and one foot in fraser's world (the belief that everyone is fundamentally worthy of respect and decency, because everyone is a person, and that this respect will be paid back). he's not a perfect person, as is often shown, and this isn't his finest hour. I like that both fraser and the barkeeper AND the femmedom all call him on it in one way or another ---- am i remembering right, I believe this was also the episode where ray said he didn't even think fraser was a proper cop, because of fraser's ethos, which is very funny because... he isn't. my man is fired, he is not legally a cop anywhere, because he was too good a person for the job. he's an Embodiment. an Ideal. of Something (Justice, Decency, The Wild, idk), but he is not a cop my man. he got arrested in the raid too! in fact if it wasn't for ray imprinting on him, he'd have been in so much trouble several times! - also I mean. I said it, but if everyone wants fraser to be a dom, then people think ray's a bit subby, but going by their dynamic, ray is fraser's daddy. buys him nice stuff, makes sure he eats, socialises (with him), chastises him for putting himself in danger... anyway, obvs @gjdraws and I have ahem... discussed this

a cop and a mountie and a baby: shockingly this wasn't as gay as I thought it'd be. there's a bit of stuff when they're around the park, but actually the main takeaway of this episode is that this woman had heard of fraser's reputation and staked her baby on it, wild. fraser my guy. you're already a legend

There's a lot of I've forgotten to say/wrote to GJ in much ramblier paragraphs but The Gist

MISC: - the leather jacket fraser wears... inherited? bought in canada? it's such a distinct third Fit to his mountie clothes - fraser has some unhinged parenting takes, but who can blame him because his dad sucked!!!!! (okok, I'm over it... no I'm not) - ray... I didn't get into just how many moments there are of ray being in love with fraser, idk they just keep coming. every episode, it's like a tidal wave. think a notable one was end of "chicago holiday" where he brings fraser something to wear so they can go out together, just cos. but he does things for him "just cos" all the damn time! - elaine! third? bestie? i think she deserves to leave the police station and join them on cases! I wish to know more about her. that time she profiled someone and it was just fraser in drag (and ray recognised fraser in drag) - frannie! unconvinced by the way they wrote her in "pizzas and promises," thought she was fun in the first section, but i think the writing let down her character during the part where ray nearly drowns (OH YEAH THAT WAS GAY TOO MY GOODNESS) because like, why wouldn't she be more worried? think there were more dynamic, less "she's just shallow/ditzy" ways of writing that - the "jai ne said quoi" ongoing bit was very cute. also very gay. just. all of it is

[rottenbrainstuff]

Haha ok I am convinced. It takes a LOT to motivate me to watch a new show, but I am so convinced by what I've seen of IWTV that I am going to give it a try tonight. I even have one single glass of red wine left for it!

The thing is: I am extremely ambivalent about this whole... what.. franchise? Series? Little coven of crying gay babies?

I was a big giant fan of the vampire chronicles in the 90s and 2000s. I really do legit love the characters that were created: I love their damage, I love how articulate Anne Rice was about describing their issues, how vampirism has fucked up each and every one of them. I loved how sensual the books were, the beautiful descriptions of everything. I found it so interesting how everything could be so sexy when it very specifically contained no sex. I loved her vampire lore, I loved her take on traditional vampires. I know sensual romantic vampires are a bit of an eye-roll these days but I feel like back in the 90s it actually was something a bit more fresh.

Interview especially had some really amazing ideas in it. I remember really loving that book.

Lestat was an interesting book but tbh she lost me a bit with some of the lore. It really put a lot of Interview into perspective though. (is Lestat's mom in this show??? She seems like a bad bitch I'd like to see pop in)

I read about half of Armand and oddly couldn't make myself finish it, or read any more of the chronicles. I actually don't even remember what happened in that book anymore.

(I had a copy of Queen of the Damned but I can’t remember if I read it or not. If I did, I don’t remember anything from the plot)

As much as I remember enjoying reading Interview, I found it increasingly hard to reconcile my enjoyment of the books with my knowledge of what a nasty person Anne Rice was, and the extremely shitty things she did in (or I guess TO) the fandom. As the books went on I found the writing style less interesting and more irritating and pretentious. I gave an attempt to start that witch coven series and was surprised by how I couldn't get into it. I tried reading her Sleeping Beauty series and got viscerally disgusted. (disgust aside, it was a shock how poorly written I thought it was) Again, her reactions to the fandom for that were bemusing as well. Her weird and personal obsession with her own characters is extremely reminiscent to me of Stephanie Meyer if she was goth instead of mormon, and it makes it difficult for me to take it all seriously sometimes.

So........ I'm in this position where I think I do genuinely like the characters and the ideas, but I intensely dislike Anne Rice and view her as generally overrated as an author, and that soured the whole series for me. But I've been seeing all these clips online and I dunno. I like what I see. It feels the characters I like were pulled out of her weird mean hands and dusted off. I like that absolutely no clips I've seen really match anything that I remember reading in the books. I like that it looks actually, unambiguously gay. I like that in almost every single clip I've seen, all the characters ever seem to be doing is screaming at each other for stupid shit. I like that it looks ridiculous and deranged. I dunno. I kinda have high hopes that with this show, I'll be able to learn how to like these characters again.

(I'm being smacked in the face btw with my age once again - so many of you mention that you never watched the old (not very good) Tom Cruise movie. If you were a teenager in the 90s I think it was impossible to have avoided it. Or is it just that my friend group was particularly strange?)

I'll pop my thoughts in here but I'll tag appropriately, so if you don't want that nonsense, you don't have to see it.

[theartsanityshoppe]

I like your detective stuff! Does he have a nemesis like Sherlock has Moriarty? And was he born mute or did he lose his voice? The sign language is really nice to see in a character!

Why was this in the 'bashful' gif options

Thanks Anon!! I greatly appreciate the comment~ I myself, also really like my detective stuff and I mean reeeeeeeeeeeeally like it lmao

Otherwise, I'm going to write these answers out as the parts of the story these questions delve into is being currently reworked and some of the answers are kinda up in the air / half canon as of right now. This will probably be a longish answer so I'll put a quick answer up here, and a "read more" underneath that with my ramblings. Quick answers: Was he born mute or did he lose his voice? - He was born mute. Does he have a nemesis? - Yes and no... I've cycled through a few characters but the main one now, without spoiling much, is named F.E.L.I.X.. But I've been working on a couple others who could possibly take over as his main nemesis.

For longer, more rambly answers, keep reading!

So like I said the answer to at least his nemesis part is kind of up the in air atm. I also wanted to expand a little on the mute aspect~

Flint is primarily mute because I tend to view this world in the terms of a video game, in which of course the player would play as the Det. [and as Cy actually who hasn't appeared in the comics yet] and like a lot of video games I always imagined him as being a "silent protag" despite still communicating with the other characters. Like Link in the new BOTW/TOTK games.

The second reason behind it was I just couldn't imagine him with a voice?? No matter how hard I tried, it just felt. Wrong for his character if that makes sense? So I figured "hey why not just give him sign language! How often do you see a deaf or mute main character anyway?" I've started to see more ASL used in shows - most recently in Only Murders in the Building which I LOVE [both the shows and the inclusion/importance of the deaf character in the story] and I thought it would make him a more interesting main character tbh. I also really really REALLY want to learn ASL, as my first grade teacher taught us a bunch when I was a kid but I've sadly forgotten just about all of it as she was just teaching us for fun. It had nothing to do with the class lol.

As for Flint's nemesis[es]! He currently has at least two, one of which is still so under-construction they don't even have a name yet or a design hahahaha.

Originally his nemesis was supposed to be Prof. Specter, aka this guy, whose a literal shadow man. [Cuz. Yah know. Shadow vs Light/Flames?] He was supposed to be almost the Dr. Claw to Flint's Inspector Gadget, but I just never went anywhere with him?? I couldn't really think up anything good tbh, and I felt like Flint easily overpowered him. I also couldn't think up any good reasons for him to BE so evil/want to attack the town etc. So he just became a smaller villain, who currently works under the main big bad. I am a MASSIVE sucker for "opposite" characters - the "good" version vs the "evil" version basically, and I have been actively trying to utilize that in a story of mine FOR YEARS. Think like, Darkwing Duck vs Nega Duck. This shit is my JAM.

For the first nemesis, his name is F.E.L.I.X. [Force Entity Learning Integrating and eXterminating] Flint, and he's a sort of "evil" version of Flint. [These are all cheebs of the various forms Felix currently takes in story]

The littlest dude is ACTUALLY Felix, [he starts off by possessing a flash drive and transforming it] and the rest are just later forms he takes throughout the story. Originally he was just some weird little alien computer virus that landed on earth, a la Invader Zim style, here to prepare Earth for conquer by his Mother Program, which is still more or less the case? The reasoning behind him being in Neo Oldesville and him eventually taking on Flint's appearance have changed a lot though.

The main reason I hesitate to call him a nemesis atm is because he was originally just more of a comedic, but still kinda dangerous, character and Felix Flint was originally going to be a sort of split in Felix's personality/code that took life on it's own, separate from Felix, warped by the internet, others personalities, and probably some other villain's code. He was just gonna go kinda crazy as his coding was rewritten too many times and start attacking... but that idea has been scrapped due to the rewrites.

He was also smart, but not in the same ways the Detective is, so they weren't really butting heads like Sherlock/Moriarty do wherein Felix would be besting Flint at every turn or something like that. Instead Flint actually bested Felix pretty easily originally. Felix Flint was basically my solution to fix that major leveling scale issue lol.

The other character, the unnamed one, is a Mad Scientist/Cult leader, whose become basically the 'secret' big bad of what I would call the first season of the story. Idk maybe longer than that? I haven't decided on how long I want this story to be tbh. I'm still working on the character and their storyline and how it intersects with both Flint's and Cy's, (whose the deuteragonist to this story)... but the most I do know/will reveal here is that this Mad Scientist is the leader of a cult that worshiped two aliens that used to exist on planet who promised to help the humanoids [as people are generally referred to here] "ascend to a higher life form" but were later stopped and destroyed by a group of super-hero like super spy sisters who learned that the aliens were in fact extremely hostile and their idea of "ascending to a higher plan" was just assimilating all of this worlds knowledge/tech and then selling off its inhabitants as slaves. I haven't decided if the rest of the world knows this fact, or if the alien characters are considered martyrs or something yet... or even if the rest of the world knew they WERE aliens. Just that they're eventually defeated by these legendary super-spies, and that a small cult remained behind after everyone else moved on from their teachings.

The leader of this new cult basically wants to bring those aliens back - specifically by summoning one of their kin to the world to help fully restore one of the deceased aliens back to life, but what he summons is Felix instead, as the race of aliens the cult worshiped had all been destroyed and absorbed by Felix's Mother Program years ago. Irony at its finest lol.

This new mad scientist/cult leader character is supposed to have very deep ties with Cy, who in turn has pretty deep ties to Flint, and I've been planning on possibly making him a sort of Moriarty to Flint, but I'm still ironing out details.

One reason I haven't quite finished this all yet is because while I am planning on using some religious ideology [is that the right word here? or would mimicry be better] in the cult, I don't necessarily want to make it a "RAWR RAWR RELIGION IS EVIL RAAAWR" kind of situation, since it's specifically that CULTS are evil. I myself was born and raised without religion in my life outside of just being in America, so while I don't believe in any religion at all, I also don't want to be cruel to anyone who does. I do, however, know that a lot of cults use Christianity as a guise to trick their followers into controlling them though.

Mostly I just really want the two aliens from the original cult to look semi like a devil and an angel cuz I thought it'd be hilarious if they were basically the "angel and devil on your shoulders" lmao.

If anyone wants to know more I'm happy to explain even more in detail. I don't care about spoiling things haha I'm not planning on creating a huge comic or anything anytime soon - I mean I would love to turn this series into a game or something in the future but for now I'm just having fun I LOVE talking about my characters/stories.

[sillyspero]

hi! i found you since you followed my atz lore acc @tothisemptiness and i wanted to say i just finished going through you slideshow which is amazing tbh i love how you kept it fun while explaining smth as heavy and complicated as atz's lore. i have some questions tho if you don't mind me asking.

you said a good part of the treasure series is a completely separate storyline and it does make so much sense and is an interesting take but i have three questions: do you think it links or will link to the main storyline at some point? if it doesn't or won't why does cromer appear there? if it is really completely separate, why do you think they chose to tell a story they will never touch again?

in his lore explanation videos hongjoong said that halazia is not a separate universe but another pov of the story that was being told right before spin off, why take it as an alternate universe instead?

you mentioned the full moon at the end of crazy form, what do you make of the crescent at the start?

i love the insane attention to details btw, i would have never thought of concert performances like you did and if you have any ideas what the little sketches in newer concerts mean i would love to know!

PS: THE GIANT BALLS IN THE ROOM TOOK ME OUT I LITERALLY MADE CRYING NOISES WHILE LAUGHING EJFALJDLKASJDLJSF

First of all, thank you so so much for reading my slideshow, I was excited to see your account (another loretiny to gather perspectives from!) so I'm honored to have you asking the big questions. I have a lot of thoughts so I'm gonna put them below a cut but hopefully, I can give satisfactory answers. :)

First, I want to clarify why I approached treasure as a separate story. When I was working on this, I tried to gather as many different theories and takes as I could on the timeline and story and such, but a problem I kept running into was that when I saw theories that included treasure as part of the larger story in its entirety, I had trouble being convinced. A lot of the theories had to stretch quite a bit to include it, and I felt like separating it made it much more cohesive, regardless of whether it was approached as just a prequel or a sequel, or anything like that. That being said, I've been keeping my eye out since then for ways they could be trying to tie it back in because I desperately WANT them to. If you had asked me a couple months ago, I probably would have told you that I am doing so and that I just haven't seen anything that convinces me yet. HOWEVER. After reading the Golden Hour Part 2 diaries, my mind started churning and I felt something click that connected treasure for the first time, something was convincing enough. I'm currently chugging through finals but this is actually a huge reason I'm planning to remake the slideshow and rework it, because I feel like the information we learn about the history of Halazia and the new artifact really puts things into perspective. Anyway ig long story short, yes I think it links in now and my theory is relatively manageable (although too long to summarize here) so I'd just keep an eye out for the slideshow update.

I think the simplest answer is, ironically, simplicity. I think initially I took what Hongjoong said to mean some sort of alternate story and then after fumbling around with it, I landed on sort of a similar conclusion as that of Treasure which is to say I had a lot of trouble fitting it in with the rest of the story, particularly because of the way it constantly insists upon distinguishing itself from the rest of their titles. This is another one that will get rewritten in the update, along with Answer I believe.

A big stretch theory that would be kind of interesting to consider would be to wonder if perhaps the moon in this series has always been a crescent and everything they've experienced in "World Z" has been a dream, and I think I've seen theories similar to this floating around so definitely something I've considered. I actually kind of hope this isn't the case because I think it's kind of a cop-out, but at the same time, it would fit into the general themes we've seen from the story so far. I would LOVE to hear your theories on this because I was really stumped by it. Ateez is very intentional about those sorts of details, and so it really makes me wonder, but I haven't been able to figure it out.

Finally, in terms of the sketches at the concerts, I think there's a lot of symbolism in them and I want to analyze them deeper. If the content of the dances doesn't make it into the slideshow, I'll make a post about it and tag you. Funnily enough, I went into the concert thinking "I will pay such close attention to the dances so I can analyze their place in the lore" and then I proceeded to be so awestruck that I forgot to think about it and lowkey blacked out so I don't really remember anything about it hahaha. I'm gonna look them up and revisit them in closer detail soon.

Sorry, this is so long, and sorry that some of them are kind of non-answers. There's still so much I don't quite understand so I appreciate you pushing me! This month marks 1 year of being an atiny so I think there will always be more for me to learn and discover. Please feel free to send more questions if you have them! I love rethinking things and seeing what people notice that I miss. I would also like to say please check out the sources linked at the very end of the slides because a lot of my theories are pieced together from various atiny who are much smarter than me <3

PS Glad I could make you laugh lollll

[lexalovesbooks]

3, 4, & 10 for the book asks!

3. What were your top five books of the year?

I don't think this is going to surprise anyone who's been following me for more than a week, but I loved a chorus of dragons by Jenn Lyons. In the interest of those books not dominating this entire list I'll say The Memory of Souls was my favorite of the five (it wins over the discord of gods narrowly bc of all the banter and shenanigans and general lightheartedness that book five doesn't have the time for) and move on, lmao.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon. This book was like...sci-fi mashed into mystery mashed into suspense mashed into historical fiction mashed into horror and I loved EVERY second of it. Aster was such a great main character and everything about the ship itself was so horrifying from the idea of it slowly breaking down as they drifted ever further into empty space to the caste system that had taken over every inch of their society. 10/10 I need to buy it so I can read it again

Juniper & Thorn by Ava Reid. Oooh this book was so beautifully written and creepy and it was such a good fairy tale at the same time it was an amazing commentary of fairy tales and all the things we learn and internalize from reading them? And the mystery of the murdered men that's always floating around the edges + that slow growing horror as you start to suspect what's really going on... SO good. I read this book over like a full week and a half because every time I put it down life would get to me and I wouldn't pick it up again for a few days, and it's REALLY rare for me to stay invested when I end up reading a book like that but this one/ Every time I picked it up and started reading again I was immediately sucked back in.

This Dissonant Princess by Scarlett Barnhill. I have NO clue how I found out about this book (which is technically the second in a series, but I way prefered it over the first and tbh you could probably read it without the first and not miss much), it's self-published from what I can tell and has like. four ratings on goodreads, but I read it at a time where I didn't want anything overly complex and it was just such a delight and a really sweet story. The protagonist is a hot mess who is trying very hard to do better and I would die for her.

The Witchery by S. Isabelle. This was really fun urban fantasy that didn't go the way I expected at all, but in a super enjoyable way. There are six narrating characters in the cast, which is definitely a little confusing at first but by the end of the book I was attached to every one of them (especially Thalia and Iris, my beloveds). It's a story where witchcraft is a real thing and it's acknowledged throughout the world that some people are just going to be witches, rather than then staying hidden away and being unknown by mortals, and the world this creates is fascinating, especially when you mix in magical curses and enchanted wolves and necromancy.

Also, special shoutout to Record of a Spaceborn Few by Becky Chambers, which was also amazing, and Compound Fracture by Andrew Joseph White, which I talked about more below :)

4. Did you discover any authors that you love this year?

answered this a bit more in depth here, but my answeres were Jenn Lyons and Rivers Solomon!

10. What was your favorite new release of the year?

Okay... so I only read like... six 2024 releases this entire year... BUT! One of them was Compound Fracture by Andrew Joseph White and I am delighted to say that I've finally found a book by him that not only agrees with me, but that I absolutely LOVED. He still has a bit of a problem with inserting his own voice and thoughts into the characters even when it doesn't make sense for them to have those same thoughts, or when it's just like. unnecessary lmao. But anyways. Loved Miles, loved nearly every other character in the book, the overall plot was creepy and exciting and I was so obsessed with the like. JD/ Veronica dynamic from Heathers that Miles and Cooper had lmao.

[sharingtheprocess]

I wanted to write this two weeks ago

Hey y'all :) I've been spending a lot of time thinking about things that I want to do instead of going out and doing them, so this first post is dedicated to letting my ideas live outside my brain.

When I thought about how I wanted to record this journey I knew I wanted to do some kind of blog. I think my personality better suits vlogs but there is still a part of me that feels a little uncomfortable taking up space in that way. However, I don't want to restrict myself so I'm thinking this will be a place for my ramblings to exist in whatever form (text, video, audio & pics).

As a person with a poor memory I have found archiving events, particularly through photos (but also audio diaries and journaling) really helps me remember myself, my accomplishments, and my trails. So I knew I wanted some kind of informal space to reflect on life in Brazil. I told myself a monthly update would be manageable and yet here I am almost a month and a half in writing my first post 😂. I say all this with no shame- just want to acknowledge that to some I moved and fell off the face of the Earth so I am v sorry for my radio silence.

I think there was a part of me that felt nervous to share & give updates because things have not been rainbows & butterflies. I wanted to have a ton of photos from trips and cool events to show off but tbh a bitch has been in the crib. If anything, I realized this past month and a half has had a lot more to do with me learning how to live with my partner, navigate relationship conflict, be transparent about my needs & in tune with my body. I definitely feel like my time and attention has been more inward and concerned with my home/private life than anything really to do with Brazil.

At first I was frustrated, I felt restricted, disappointed, and irritable. Things just weren't easy and a bitch can list some reasons why:

I don't know the language

My grandmother's health has been a major concern and it feels harder to navigate while being so far away

Missing my friends/community/loved ones

Constantly hearing about phone theft & other robberies and not wanting to look like an easy lick- but also feeling confused knowing my ass did not just come from Atlanta, Philly, and parts of Trenton to be worried about "crime" over here

Struggling with a lack of structure/routine

Thinking that being with my partner would feel like all the times we've vacationed together

I felt insecure about doing things on my own, but I had to embrace that because following other people's rhythm didn't satisfy me. As a person who is already naturally shy and reserved, constantly feeling outside my comfort zone without a new established safe space or outlet has been sooo hard. I would either feel fatigued or high strung from socializing. Too nervous to do things solo or overly concerned with how out of place I felt and how easily my anxious energy could be read by others.

I was constantly denying myself out of fear and minimizing my feelings. I came with a lot of big dreams and aspirations, and I think they are still possible but I'm realizing it just won't be as straightforward as I imagined- and that's ok. I need to be a lot more intentional here and that means putting in the work, energy, and consistency to live how I want.

I've already seen so many things that I've come to love about being here:

I am a five minute walk away from the ocean and living this close to the beach has been so healing for my body and spirit

I eat good everyday!

The party/dance culture here is incredibly liberating

I live in a beautiful black queer ass city

Seeing people w piercings and tattoos as a common/normal body mod is deeply affirming

Space and time feels slower here- it made me restless at first but surrendering to this pace has actually brought me more freedom to be curious about myself, my art, my spirit...

Things haven't been bad but my arrival didn't fit my expectations. I've had a lot of growing pains and mini breakthroughs. Now that I've had more time to adjust I want to play an active role in making my desires match my reality. I know things won't change overnight so I'm glad I'll be here for some time. Thanks for reading & journeying with me ����

~JC

[writer-and-thrasher]

Fic in Review 2023

Thanks to @trentcrimminallybeautiful for the tag! I'm (fucking hopefully) starting to get over being so deeply ill after two whole weeks, so I decided it was the time to do this! Yay!

tagging: Literally anyone who wants to, plus I'll tag @providing-leverage, @jamietarttdoodoodoodoo, and @trentcrimmisgay (sorry if you've already been tagged or if it's too late, my brain is rebooting)

Total Number of Completed Stories:

I completed 8 fics this year (1 for Dimension 20 and 7 for Ted Lasso)!!! It's way more than I planned to write in a year, especially given that four of them are over 10k words and I genuinely didn't think I was gonna write any fanfic this year. All in all, I'm really really proud of how much I've written!

Total Word Count: AO3's word count put me at 63,919, which... woah. The one D20 fic I wrote this year wasn't even 2k words, which means that I wrote over 60k words of Ted Lasso fanfic in 6 months. I didn't start writing for TL until June, which honestly makes me even prouder and more excited for tackling stuff next year!

Fandoms Written In: Ted Lasso, almost exclusively. I've also written for Dimension 20, and I figure I will more when Fantasy High: Junior Year releases, but for now I'm on a pretty big TL kick.

Looking back did you expect to write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expect: I expected to write way less than this! I'd hoped I'd write some, but nothing was really grabbing ahold of me until Ted Lasso crashed into my brain.

What’s your own favorite story of the year, personally?:

Ooh, that's really tough. I'll split it into two because I can't choose:

In my Dichotomy series (I'm just really proud of it tbh), my favorite of the fics was The Dichotomy of a Captain, aka Roy's perspective. It felt the truest to any of them, though I continue to try to stay true to all of them. It's also the first of the fics in this series that made me realize I really could finish the series.

My favorite one-shot of the year is probably Out of Practice, if only because sometimes I get WIP ideas and rarely follow through, but I worked hard to finish this one. And also, I really like watching through Isaac's eyes as he learns stuff about his best friend.

Did you take any writing risks this year?: Honestly, I think the fact that I came back and started writing again was my biggest risk of the year. I wasn't really sure of my voice or style, and it was intimidating to come back and keep writing, but the community made a world of difference.

Do you have any fanfic goals for the New Year?: I've got different WIPs I want to write, like finishing the Dichotomy series and a few series I have in the bank. I think more tangible goals are to get more comfortable with writing new scenes and being more comfortable with past tense. I've always been drawn to canon-explicit stuff, and for some reason, present tense has me in a headlock lmao

Best story of the year: I don't know that I can say anything is "objectively" the best, since fanfic is subjective as hell anyway, but I feel like The Dichotomy of a Captain is the one I feel is the best written. But that one is also my favorite, so I may just be biased.

Most popular story of the year: I'm stealing @trentcrimminallybeautiful's way of doing this because I think it's good, so shoutout

By kudos: "The Dichotomy of a Couch" with 268

By subscriptions: "The Dichotomy of a Couch" with 52 (This was originally going to be one work I wrote the series on, but someone suggested I turn it into multiple works in one series, and this one was first, so it has the highest)

By comment threads: "The Dichotomy of a Captain" with 14

By bookmarks: "The Dichotomy of a Couch" with 65

By hits: "The Dichotomy of a Couch" with 2604

Overall, definitely "The Dichotomy of a Couch", though I did admittedly post it first. But also, wow, these numbers are super humbling, and I'm honored that anyone has read and reacted to what I've written. It means the world for this fic (and my others) to be so kindly received.

Most personal story of the year: Most definitely Who Tells Your Story. No contest.

Funniest story of the year: Ooh, I genuinely made myself laugh while writing The Dichotomy of a Prick, so I'd have to say that one. It's the least serious, and writing Jamie's thoughts brought a smile to my face.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: Mmm, I guess Who Tells Your Story.

Most fun story to write: I gotta go with The Dichotomy of a Prick again, it was a breath of fresh air between two very serious parts of this series and amidst other more serious one-shots.

Story with the sexiest moment: I genuinely don't write sexy fics, so the answer is going to be very silly. The best I've got is an illusion to a sexy moment in the past during The Dichotomy of a Prick, but Definitely nothing actually sexy lol

Sweetest story of the year: I gotta go with Who Tells Your Story again, considering that I wrote it for the sweet moment.

“Holy crap that’s wrong even for you!” story: I'm also gonna take this to mean angsty instead of scandalous and say The Dichotomy of a Captain

Hardest story to write: The Dichotomy of a Prick was hard to write on a more technical level as far as Jamie's POV went; I was really conscious about not fucking up his character or writing him too OOC. But considering how personal it was for me, Who Tells Your Story gave me some gut punches as I wrote it that made it hard emotionally.

Biggest disappointment: I think that some fics I liked didn't do as well as others that I didn't like as much, but I also know that my writing got better over time, so I'm really not dwelling on it.

Biggest surprise: Writing again in general, definitely, but also how much love I've gotten for things I've been really excited about. I fully didn't expect so much kindness (far more a me thing than anyone in this community, y'all are wonderful) and it's definitely inspired me to keep going. Y'all are amazing and I'm so grateful for all of you.

[ear-motif]

hi i saw a post u deleted and i would like to comment on it without saying too much and betraying ur choice to delete it (but if you'd like to not publish this anon, i will not be offended) ... however i want u to know it's completely 100% normal and okay. we live in a society and all things are progress (in case u needed to hear it). i've experienced that as well and i think about it like this: things around you that you experience are no more than the language of the world. you are learning a new language in which to express yourself. immersion (if possible) even in small and growing increments helps wildly. and, until you are comfortable enough to speak that language, stay silent. just listen and learn until you're ready. but if everyone around you is speaking a different language, you couldn't possibly be ready from the start! its very okay and while i respect and understand why you deleted, i did really enjoy the vulnerability. it was brave and true <3

YOU ARE SO SWEEEET THANK U SO MUCH ANON feel free to hop in my dm's any time.

So I had a post up for like 5 mins talking about struggling with internalized queerphobia and this is one of those days where the adderall hit well enough for me to perceive myself so here's some detail on that

So I've identified as a more-or-less-binary trans man for ~4 years now. I've been closeted to a majority of people that whole time, as I was busy with school, my family is/was unsupportive, and my mental health has been too shit for me to deal with transitioning on top of everything else.

But because I've waited so long I'm thinking...well am I really trans? And the long and short of it is; I don't really care anymore if I'm "technically" trans or not. But if I'm not a trans man, then the easiest way to communicate my identity would be butch and/or nonbinary (which, I know nb is still trans but its different than man so idk).

But I've aaalways been super uncomfortable being thought of as a lesbian. One reason, which is the easy one, is because it's simply not true. I'm bi/pan and I'm attracted to men. That's a solid part of my identity and I don't see that changing any time soon.

But hating being seen as nonbinary and/or butch (if we assume butches can be non-lesbians, idk what the community consensus is on that tbh) is a little...weirder. I shouldn't be so angry and worried about being perceived as a lesbian, lesbians are awesome. At first I thought well it's because I hate being seen as a woman, duh. But like...a lot of lesbians, especially butches, don't like being referred to as women either. So that felt like a cop-out.

And basically what I've realized is that this fucking pattern I've had of being extremely competitive over the stupidest shit is rearing its ugly head again. I was (I guess still am) threatened by butches being more effortlessly masculine and even male-passing than I will ever be. And I thought of it as a diss or a put down, like if I even tried to be butch, I wouldn't be masc enough and I wouldn't be welcome. Or that butches very existence was proof that I'll never be masculine enough to justify transitioning to male, I can't even fit in with masc women for christsakes. So I think I sublimated this insecurity into envy that spiralled into contempt and othering. Never intentionally or outwardly...but it doesn't feel good knowing in your own mind that you are prejudiced against a marginalized group.

And I deleted the post kinda because I was like fuck if I'm not a lesbian or butch this isn't internalized anything this is just lesbophobia. and that's not something to make a cute lil post about, thats something to be genuinely ashamed of and to work on in private. but also. just cause it's internalized doesn't mean its not bad so.

and then I kinda just realized that 99% of butches are not gonna give one tenth of a shit how masc I am or if I'm "really butch" and I am literally the only one who cares so much about this shit. I've spent my entire life shadowboxing with everyone and it's gotten me fucking nowhere. and that helped! i dont feel this mysterious resentment when i think about butch lesbians as a group anymore.

so i am gonna take your advise and just listen and learn. I wanna try to read stone butch blues again. I stopped because I got horribly insecure about how I actually enjoy bottoming and that must mean I'm not masculine enough to even be butch, let alone a man...and that's not the point of the book at all i was/am just too self-absorbed to understand another person's worldview

and there's always gonna be the shame about how in the end. this whole envy thing is self-obsession. and that doesnt feel good at all. i claim to want to help others but really im so fucking obsessed with myself that i make my own problems. most days i know that and all i can do with that info is succumb to the depression. and be more self-obsessed. because despite being competitive i suck shit at actually being productive lol. but some days, like today, the meds will hit just right and ill be able to make some kind of progress.

so idk. sorry im yappin nobody has to read this but anyways anon i love you to death. it means a lot that u like my vulnerability, i consider it one of my worst traits. i try hard not to let it out irl so it gets shat out online. love u mwah bye

[1-deadgirlwalking-1]

3/31/2024

i do not remember a ton tbh, i keep forgetting to write stuff down and now i don't remember most of what i've done the past several days. haha.

anyway what i do remember is i've been doing the dishes a lot, like not just putting them away after they're clean, i've been putting dirty dishes in the washer without freaking out from the grossness. and i even swept a few times so, i'm getting slightly less incompetent every day!

we celebrated easter (not on the actual day of easter but the day before) which i didn't know we were doing, my mom got everyone a bunch of personalized gifts in a little basket. i immediately ran off to my room after we opened everything, which she didn't get upset about or object to at all, and then when i got to my room i cried bcus it was so sweet.

like she got me my favorite sweet (pocky) bcus i said i loved it but i could never find it in the stores, and she got me new inside slippers because i accidentally got my old ones dirty and haven't cleaned them yet, AND she got them in pink and fluffy bcus she knows i love the color pink and fluffy stuff. she got me a little notebook with sparkly markers (i'm now using it as a notebook for my japanese learning) bcus she knows i like writing, and she got me two face masks for us to do together. she also got me some hair ties and candies. and i think she might've gotten me the hair ties because i lost one of mine recently and was asking my dad if he had seen it while she was in the room. it was very unexpected and sweet.

and then a day later she asked me if i liked them and was acting very nonchalant and normal about it, like "oh papa didn't let me talk about gifts because your little cousin still doesn't know the easter bunny isn't real, i was just at the store and got you stuff i thought you'd like"?? WAAAHH?????

then yesterday the new hunger game movie became available to stream so my mom came in my room to suggest we watch it together after chores, i swept most of the kitchen and we did face masks. was very fun. but whenever i moved too fast like when laying down my entire vision would loop over and move around and id get super dizzy and disoriented. i looked it up and it's called vertigo, i didn't actually know what vertigo was until that very moment.

ALSO in the middle of the movie i had to walk the dog and we walked around for like ten minutes after my mom insisted the dog would pee as soon as we went out and then she came out and was like "she STILL hasn't peed?" and she did not i SWEAR, she did not pee the entire time she just walked around and repeatedly kept trying to eat my leg off and almost pulled down my pants one time which was insane. anyway in this conversation i found out the dog always pees almost immediately when my parents walk her but when she's out with me i have to walk around the entire house 2 or more times and be out with her for like 20 minutes before she pees. WHY???

today my mom made a bunch of food i didn't eat because i forgot to leave my room at a normal time. then by time i went to the kitchen all the food was gone, i assume there's some left overs in the fridge so i'll eat those tomorrow.

when i left to go get a snack earlier my family was watching "the beekeeper" i saw an ad for it a while back, and then a few minutes later someone else sent it in the family groupchat because my dad is a beekeeper. very funny to us. apparently it's literally just a movie about a beekeeper who beats up and kills a ton of bad guys which is also hilarious to me.

but i didn't do anything today, i watched youtube videos. a bunch of really long ones. i fell asleep a few times while watching one and kept having to rewind when i woke up. also my right ear keeps swelling up on the inside EVERY TIME I LAY DOWN FOR MORE THAN LIKE 30 MINUTES!!! and today inside my left ear i swear i could hear a buzzing sound like a cicada INSIDE my ear and it didn't go away for like 10 minutes i thought there was something in my ear or i was hallucinating and it was driving me crazy. looked it up and it's probably tinnitus. i didn't know tinnitus could sound like so many things i thought it was only ringing.

i'm going to ask my mom mom to take me to a doctor about my ears because when i looked up my symptoms online everyone on every post was like, "GO TO THE DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY OR IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE UNTIL YOU EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR HEARING." and i think that checks out cause it has only gotten worse with time and one lady said vertigo was a symptom of her ear problems, and that because of them she had to get a giant needle and draining tube inside her ear that was super painful. and i don't want that.

today also i had a dream and when i looked in the mirror i had SUPER cool makeup on and at that exact moment i realized i was dreaming. i stared really hard at the makeup to try and remember what it looked, and instinctively pulled out my phone to take a picture, then i remembered i was dreaming and was like "i wish you could take photos in dreams and they show up in the real world, i'm gonna forget it."

and that's literally all i remember from my dream last night, i forgot all of my dream for most of the day until my friend said something that reminded me of that one part, and all because of the fact i intentionally tried to remember it. but even then i don't remember exactly what the makeup looked like. i know that it was trad goth with a white base and what the eyeliner + eyebrows looked like, and that's basically it. if i tried to recreate it irl i'm sure get it pretty close.

anyway i still have 15 late assignments to do and obviously haven't studied at all. sigh.

that's my life at the moment, buh byeeee.