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dinnerbug · 6 months

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An introduction

(Because I just noticed I haven't done one)

If you can't be bothered to read see highlighted sections for shortened but still understandable information

My name(s): Dinnerbug!

Both just bug or dinner work too if you want to shorten it down, and I'm also very open to Nicknames :D

My pronouns: It's (very) complicated

But to put it short for convenience, pretty much anything but xenopronouns work for me. Though I am quite fond of the sets she/him, he/they, they/it, and e/em/eir specifically

Things I think people should know about me:

I don't care who, what or where you are, I don't care what you believe. As long as what you like, believe, identify as or do doesn't harm anyone (harm anyone innocent that is) then you do you. I'm sick of people bullying eachother over nothing and I've worked on myself to break that mindset of 'I don't like that so it's bad'. To put it short, I'm a very accepting person and I'm only judgemental towards assholes (edited to add this because I feel it's important and I forgot it when I first made this post)

Interacting with people online like this is very much me going outside of my comfort zone, I am very anxious and I have very little self-confidence. If you interact with me in any way, be it a message, comment or ask and I don't reply, I'm probably just drowning in anxiety trying to figure out what to reply with. So if something like that happens I'm so sorry if I respond late, it just takes me time and it is not your fault. Also sometimes I start writing weirdly formally and I have no idea how I developed that habit

Miscellaneous facts: This is gonna be long

I tend to ramble a lot in posts like this I am so so sorry lmao (moved up for convenience)

I am autistic

I am british

I am asexual

I am non-binary

I have aphantasia (it sucks)

I love LORE

My favourite kind of fanfics are the kind where all my relatable favourite characters go through severe emotional turmoil and/or get hit into a wall with great force.

I can ride a bike

My favourite games are Minecraft and Portal 2

I love puzzles

I have an amazingly terrible sleep schedule. I will often be awake until 4am and asleep until 3pm, or often I won't sleep at all

I hope to learn to draw so I can interact with my favourite fandoms better and perhaps even make some friends

My hair is (was* will re-dye it soon) dyed

My favourite colour is black (boring I know)

My favourite word is No

My favourite foods are pizza, pasta, cheese and coconut

I'm very detail oriented

I don't tend to ship characters much

I'm so terrible at introductions that I have to mimic other people's ones and they still end up bad

I am very paranoid

One of my most common nightmare themes are zombie apocalypses, usually triggered by seeing zombie related content online within the past 2 days

Characters with fully black eyes (as in the whole eyeball) make me very uncomfortable and I always avoid eye contact with them

I am also very scared of the dark

Fandoms I'm in and actively interact with: If any fandoms I list here are stereotyped negatively I promise I'm a nice, chill person and I just want to enjoy things peacefully (list may change over time)

Hermitcraft

(my favourite hermits: Grian and Mumbo)

Rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles

(my favourite characters: Leo and Donnie)

Takin' over the asylum (I AM SO NOT NORMAL ABOUT THIS SHOW)

(my favourite character: CAMPBELL BAIN <3 )

Sonic the hedgehog

(my favourite characters: Shadow, Sonic and Rouge)

Doctor who

(my favourite character (so far): The Doctor)

Ninjago

(my favourite characters: Lloyd, Garmadon and Zane)

#intro post #this took longer than it should have

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eldritchsurveys · 11 months

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1149.

What's the most worthwhile thing you've done in the last year? >> worthwhile??? I have no idea how to quantify that.

What foods make you want to gag? >> bananas

Do you consider yourself to be organized? >> I consider myself to be inclined towards organisation and optimisation. having a system for things makes me feel grounded and expansive. one thing I cannot do is adapt to others' systems of organisation, though, it has to be my own

Have you ever made out with someone? >> sure

What time do you get sleepy? >> sleepiness can come on at any point during the day, honestly. but at night I tend to start winding down at around 22:00, 22:30, and -- upstairs neighbour willing -- will usually be asleep by midnight

What music do you listen to? >> a wide variety, but I do seem to gravitate towards metal and darksynth most reliably

How do you feel about abortion/same sex marriage? >> my first instinct was to say that those two things aren't related and it's weird that they're put together here like they are, but it does seem true that people who are pro one tend to be pro the other one as well, so

How old were you when you started to walk? >> damned if I know

Which member of your family do you get along with the best? .

What cheers you up when you're sad? >> Red Dwarf

What do you sleep in? >> a specific pair of lounge pants and an undershirt (no shirt in the summer, despite the horrors (skin-to-skin contact))

Have you ever tanned topless? >> I don't tan at all

Wear jewelry? >> the jewelry in my piercing is a permanent fixture, but I also wear various other pieces on and off

What's something you've been told you're good at? >> fiction writing

How much can you eat? >> how do I even quantify that

What's the furthest away you've ever traveled? >> the furthest distance I've travelled is between NYC and Colorado, I assume

Are you a cat or dog person? >> I'm not a pet person, period. as far as whether I prefer either animal in a more general sense, I'm more dog-oriented than cat-oriented but in practice I get along with domesticated animals based on personality more than anything else

Have you ever done drugs? >> lol yes

What does your room look like? >> I don't know how to describe that, it's not themed or anything. it's a biggish room with a bunch of furniture and decor and my numerous belongings in it, dunno what else to tell you

Recommend a really amazing book. >> Dark Matter by Blake Crouch

Recommend a really amazing song. >> A Mind Beside Itself II: Voices by Dream Theater

Recommend a really amazing movie. >> Akira

Who's your favorite actor/actress? >> Matthew McConaughey

Have you ever run away from home? >> I've tried, lol

Do you exercise ever? >> ever? sure. enough? absolutely not

Do you like your hair, the way it is and the colour? >> it's fine

Do you have any friends named Baloo? Or is he just in the Junglebook? >> akldjlfafjl what

Are you a Disney movie fan? >> I am not. I just casually enjoy a few Disney flicks

Do you eat seafood? >> I do

When was the last time you cried? >> like 15 minutes ago. I found out that in 2018 Arlene's Grocery stopped hosting the cult-famous live-band karaoke event they'd been running since 2004. it's an event I used to attend religiously (I use this word intentionally, because its other connotation fits as well) and that I used to call home until I was banned (not a great story, just a sad one really), and I have a lot of feelings about it, and they kind of all hit me at once when I learned this new information

Do you have good working habits? >> I guess that depends on how much I care about what I'm working on

So where the hell do you want to go in life? >> I don't want to go anywhere, man, I want to meander my way down the road until I run out of road

What are your boundaries? >> I don't have just... general boundaries... I have context-specific ones that I can't just think of off the top of my head

What are some of the funniest things you can think of? >> predictably, I immediately forgot every funny thing I've ever encountered

What are two quirky little things about you? >> uh.

Are you claustrophobic? >> I don't enjoy being in tight spaces but I wouldn't say I was phobic

Do you like getting wasted? >> I don't like it, which is why I don't do it

List three things that you look for in a friend. >> not even sure what to look for at this point

Do you prefer Angels and Airwaves or Rhianna? .

What religion are you, if any? >> I don't follow any religions, I just enjoy their existence

If your house was on fire (and your family escaped), what would you save? .

Do you have any sash belts? >> I don't

What do you have on right now? Include everything, nail polish, makeup, etc >> Hanes briefs, Marvel Comics lounge pants, light blue t-shirt, Duff's hoodie, headphones, septum piercing jewelry

Does caffeine make you hyper? >> it doesn't. it makes me feel regulated and attentive and engaged. happy, even. and if I've had enough of it, it keeps me up most of the night (but not in a hyper way, just in a... "brain refuses to process the idea of being sleepy" way? every once in a while my desktop computer will randomly wake itself up for seemingly no reason and that's kind of what it feels like when I've had a significant amount of caffeine -- brain just won't register "sleep mode" as a command and keeps waking us back up)

#survey #surveys #random survey

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redeemedrevolver · 3 years

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BOCW Characters and their MBTIs

Summary:

The characters of BOCW take the MBTI Personality Test and find out their personality types. They were a bit shocked. Some can't believe it while others believe it fully.

A/N:

The link to the MBTI test is above if you still don't know your personality type and want to find out. It's a long test, but worth answering. More information about the personality will be in the parenthesis beside the character.

It was a bit hard taking the test because I had to picture myself as them answering it in their character.

These aren't exactly their MBTIs, but this is a depiction based on their overall character from the events in the games (Black Ops Series)

I hope I did my best!

Russell Adler (INTJ-A — "Architect")

Information about the personality type:

These thoughtful tacticians love perfecting the details of life, applying creativity and rationality to everything they do. Their inner world is often a private, complex one.

comprises 2.1% of the total world population (rare personality type)

highly analytical, creative, and logical

introverted and prefer to work alone

greater emphasis on logic and objective information rather than subjective emotions

like their world to feel controlled and ordered

Strengths:

self-confident and hard-working - believe in Bell most of the time

takes criticism well

most independent

rational

good at listening - evident with the number of dialogue options you have

Weaknesses:

lack of empathy - apparent when reading the paper regarding Bell's brainwashing and his persistence

romantic relationships are their Achilles heel - it doesn't mean they don't feel, but they don't want to express it to anyone

sometimes callous or insensitive

highly analytical towards everything

perfectionistic

—————

Alex Mason (ISTJ-T — "Logistician")

Information about the personality type:

These people tend to be reserved yet willful, with a rational outlook on life. They compose their actions carefully and carry them out with methodical purpose.

male ISTJs comprises 16% of the total world population (common personality type)

enjoy taking responsibility for their actions

take pride in the work they do

reserved, practical, and quiet

value loyalty in themselves and others

Strengths:

detail-oriented

observant - can be applied to his "excellent sniper" trait

orderly and organized

calm and practical

jacks-of-all-trades

Weaknesses:

stubborn - shown in the interrogation scene in BO1 for a few moments

tends to blame others

judgemental

insensitive

works always by the book - reluctant to bend or change the rules

—————

Frank Woods (ESTP-A — "Entrepreneur")

Information about the personality type:

They tend to be energetic and action-oriented, deftly navigating whatever is in front of them. They love uncovering life’s opportunities, whether socializing with others or in more personal pursuits.

comprises 4-10% of the total world population (fairly common personality type)

live in the moment and dive into the action

unique skill in noticing small changes - shift in facial expression, new clothing style, or broken habit

full of passion and energy complemented with a rational mind

prefer the practical over the abstract

Strengths:

gregarious, funny, and energetic - shown in CW

adaptable and resourceful

rational and practical - apparent in BO1 for his overall character

makes decisions based on logic and reason

sociable

Weaknesses:

risk-prone - most likely the person one will be paired to operations where things can go wrong quickly

defiant

easily bored

impulsive - true to his personality

too competitive

—————

Jason Hudson (ENTJ-A — "Commander")

Information about the personality type:

They are decisive people who love momentum and accomplishment. They gather information to construct their creative visions but rarely hesitate for long before acting on them.

comprises 1.8% of the total world population (2nd rarest personality type)

gifted with charisma and confidence

quick to see inefficiency and conceptualize new solutions to them

love a big or small challenge and overcoming them

dominant at the negotiating table

Strengths:

strong leadership skills - the overseer in BOCW

well-organized

good decision maker

assertive and outspoken

strategic thinkers

Weaknesses:

stubborn and dominant - shown in the scene where he talks to Bell about Lubyanka

impatient

intolerant

cold and ruthless - true to his nickname "Ice Cube"

poor handling of emotions

—————

Helen Park (INFJ-T — "Advocate")

Information about the personality type:

They tend to approach life with deep thoughtfulness and imagination. Their inner vision, personal values, and a quiet, principled version of humanism guide them in all things.

female INFJs comprises 1.6% of the total world population (rarest personality type)

thinks about deep topics and contemplates the meaning of life

has a deep sense of idealism and integrity, but aren’t idle dreamers

speak with great passion and conviction

soft-spoken and understated

Strengths:

sensitive to the needs of others

insightful

altruistic - use their strengths for the greater good

passionate - eagerness to capture Volkov in E. Berlin

creative

Weaknesses:

sensitive to criticism - may be shown after joking about her scar

reluctant to open up - shown with the scar scene with Lazar

prone to burnouts

dislikes confrontation

stubborn

—————

Eleazar "Lazar" Azoulay (ENFP-A — "Campaigner")

Information about the personality type:

These people tend to embrace big ideas and actions that reflect their sense of hope and goodwill toward others. Their vibrant energy can flow in many directions.

comprises 8.1% of the total world population (common personality type)

reads between the lines with curiosity and energy

see life as a big, complex puzzle where everything is connected through emotion

do best in situations where they have the freedom to be creative and innovative

spend a lot of time exploring social relationships

Strengths:

empathetic and caring - apparent and true in the Duga ending and after being saved in Cuba

fun and spontaneous - evident when talking to him and Sims

warm and enthusiastic

curious

observant - can be applied after the Cuba briefing about the LMG he and Sims are talking about

Weaknesses:

can be overly emotional

tends to get stressed out easily - can be apparent when being loud in E. Berlin and talking about Lubyanka

struggles to follow rules

disorganized

poor practical skills

—————

Lawrence Sims (ESFJ-A — "Consul")

Information about the personality type:

They are attentive and people-focused, and they enjoy taking part in their social community. Their achievements are guided by decisive values, and they willingly offer guidance to others.

comprises 12.3% of the total world population (common personality type)

continue to enjoy supporting their friends and loved ones

gain energy from interacting with other people

encourages other people to be their best

have a hard time believing anything bad about the people to whom they are close

Strengths:

practical and dependable - true to his character being in charge of logistics; you can trust him with anything related to gear requests

organized - can be seen writing in a ledger and making phone calls to everyone about the lists of equipment needed for an operation

sensitive and warm

conscientious

very loyal

Weaknesses:

sensitive to criticism - can be triggered in certain dialogues about Vietnam

too selfless and doesn't look after themselves

dislike change

approval-seeking

controlling

—————

Perseus (ENFJ-A — "Protagonist")

Information about the personality type:

These warm, forthright types love helping others, and they tend to have strong ideas and values. They back their perspective with the creative energy to achieve their goals.

comprises 2.5% of the total world population (3rd rarest personality type)

strong extraverts and enjoy spending time with other people

interested in devoting their time to others

radiate authenticity, concern, and altruism

unlikely to be afraid to take the slings and arrows while standing up for the people and ideas they believe in

Strengths:

encouraging

persuasive - apparent in the meeting scene during Bell's remembrance of him

wide social circle - can be his list of agents, whom he may have close ties with personally

charismatic

natural-born leaders

Weaknesses:

self-sacrificing - may be related to sacrificing half of Europe for his plans to expand the Soviet Union

overprotective

manipulative

indecisive

overly idealistic - can be apparent in the meeting scene in Bell's remembrance

—————

Dimitri Belikov (INFJ-A — "Advocate")

Information about the personality type:

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world.

male INFJs comprises 0.5-1% of the total world population (rarest personality type)

emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few

have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil

usually reserved but highly sensitive to how others feel

capable of taking their values and using them to bring about positive and lasting change

Strengths:

focused on the future

values close, deep relationships - evident with Charkov being his best friend, despite the needed betrayal for the CIA

not materialistic

enjoy looking good and taking care of their appearance

very sensitive and emotional

Weaknesses:

difficult to get to know

incredibly stubborn

has a rebel attitude - true to him being the mole of the KGB and working for the CIA for a decade

dislikes confrontation - may be true to be called to the central committee and talking to Kravchenko

avoiding the ordinary

—————

Greta Keller (ISTJ-A — "Logistician")

Information about the personality type:

They like strengthening their current relationships rather than seeking out new ones. These people tend to “play the hits” in their lives. They find joy and comfort in the things they know they like and rely on what worked or didn’t work in the past when making big decisions.

female ISFJs comprises 8% of the total world population (common personality type)

have a keen sense of right and wrong

enjoy order and organization in all areas of their lives

carefully plan things out well in advance

place a great deal of emphasis on traditions and laws

Strengths:

self-sufficient - evident when letting Bell take lead and leaving herself behind

realistic

persistent

trustworthy

thorough - apparent in her dialogues in the bar

Weaknesses:

judgmental

gets involved in win-lose situations - evident when captured by Volkov and almost snapped by the neck to death

have tendencies to believe that they're always right

subjective

uncomfortable expressing emotion or affection towards others

#cod #call of duty #call of duty black ops cold war #call of duty black ops #cod bocw #cod bo #russell adler #alex mason #frank woods #jason hudson #helen park #lazar azoulay #lawrence sims #perseus #dimitri belikov #greta keller #own writing

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kentthewolf · 4 years

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4 Things Self-Disciplined People Don’t Do ✋ — Leave These Bad Habits Behind & You Can Achieve Goals Beyond Your Wildest Dreams!

I highly admire fellow self-disciplined individuals. Because what ever their goals might be — from making the Olympics or starting a business or adhering to another eating routine — self-discipline is regularly the special ingredient..

In any case, self-discipline is a misjudged idea, principally in light of the fact that we consider the big picture as a fixed character trait. Yet, this is what the vast majority don't comprehend:

Self-discipline comes from good habits and not genetics.

As a mentor, I work with individuals attempting to be more disciplined in their lives. In the process, I've seen that it's not for absence of desire or motivation…

The reason we battle to be more disciplined has nothing to do with lack of morals or faulty genes — it's the bad or lack of good habits meddle with the chances of us being disciplined.

On the off chance that you need to turn into a more self-disciplined individual, figure out how to distinguish these bad habits and dispose of them. Self-discipline won't be far behind.

1. Depending on willpower

Individuals with a ton of self-discipline comprehend that willpower is a last resort.

Consider willpower to be the emergency brake in your vehicle — it's ideal to have, yet you would be in great difficulty if you depended on it as the essential method to slow down your vehicle.

Willpower ought to never be an essential procedure for getting troublesome things done.

Self-disciplined individuals comprehend that there are unmistakably more effective methods for remaining focused on challenging objectives. For instance, a "unmistakable advantage" some high-discipline individuals exploit is environmental design.

The essential thought is that as opposed to pushing yourself through an objective, it's smarter to design your current environment to be helpful for the objective and pull you through it.

For instance:

Suppose you need to study hard for a test. Rather than attempting to "stay focused" learning at home when you're barraged by distractions, from the enormous TV, to your friend texting you about going out for drinks, get together your things, go to a library, leave your phone in the vehicle, and locate a back corner of the of the facility where not many people sit in.

Better to avoid temptations rather than attempting to oppose them.

Self-disciplined individuals comprehend that they don't have the willpower that others might suspect they do. What's more, they comprehend that willpower is something delicate that frequently fails us. Subsequently, they don't depend on it and get innovative about alternate approaches to remain focused and committed.

On the off chance that you need to become more disciplined, ask yourself this:

How might I accomplish my objectives in the event that I had zero willpower?

2. Depending on motivation

Self-disciplined individuals see motivation as additional credit — ideal to have when it appears, yet never expected to be there.

Feeling motivated to go to the gym, study for a test, or work on that project you’ve been looking forward to is extraordinary. We as a whole love that feeling since it makes it generally simple to do hard things.

In any case, listen to this:

Feeling a that thunder of motivation isn't needed to do hard things.

Individuals often think that if “I'm not feeling it" I can't actually do it or it's not worth attempting. We approach our lives trusting that motivation will strike, however at the same time our dreams, goals, and desires blur further into memory as life appears to cruise us by.

Self-disciplined individuals don't fall into this snare since they comprehend the real essence between feeling and taking action:

Action prompts to feeling just as feeling prompts to action.

What does this mean? the connection among feeling and action is a two-way street: Sure, feeling great causes you do hard things; yet doing hard things causes you to feel better — specifically, it makes you more motivated to do more hard things in the future.

Self-disciplined individuals are addicted to taking action and the high they get from it, it’s uncanny.

They comprehend that the best way to feel consistently motivated is to build the habit of consistently taking action — regardless of whether it's exceptionally little activities at first. This way the build up momentum into the harder things with a rush that cannot be stopped.

So , yeah! there it is: The secret is that self-disciplined individuals are more motivated than most of us, and not because of luck or good genes. They basically see how to make their own constant flow of motivation by making moves and taking action regardless of how they feel as opposed to keeping an eye out, waiting for the “feeling”.

Quit waiting for motivation and figure out how to construct your own.

3. Trusting your emotions

Self-disciplined individuals realize that emotions are not reliable.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't tune in to your emotions and know about them. Indeed, profoundly disciplined individuals are frequently in contact with their emotions. Be that as it may, they're not controlled by them.

Self-discipline requires a self-awareness and skepticism of your own emotions.

The critical understanding here is that while emotions frequently communicate to us important intuition, they can just as regularly push us off track.

At the point when you're climbing through the mountains and your nervousness springs up on the grounds that you hear an abrupt shaking sound, that is most likely something worth being thankful for — your mind's method of rapidly setting you up for the chance of stepping on a poisonous snake!

Then again, when an email from your supervisor appears in your inbox saying "we need to talk," your nervousness may be yelling at you that something's wrong, however it's totally conceivable that your manager was busy and didn't have the opportunity to create a full message.

Here's another way to see it:

Emotions are common sense — your mind's reactions about how you should act, are worth paying attention to, but not to be followed blindly.

Your relationship with emotions matters for developing self-discipline since how you feel will regularly conflict with your core values:

Your values might be to work out before anything else, yet your emotions will attempt to persuade you to get an additional 30 minutes of rest.

Your values might be to adhere to a small serving at every meal, except your emotions will attempt to persuade you to get more calories.

Your values might be to ask your manager for a much higher raise, yet your emotions will attempt to persuade you that something horrible will occur in the event that you face him/her about it.

On the off chance that you want to be more self-disciplined, develop a skeptical relationship with your emotions.

Tune in to your emotions, yet try not to take orders from them.

4. Worrying over results

Self-disciplined individuals have a skill for remaining focused on effort rather than worrying about results.

The most obvious trait to self-disciplined individuals is that they are very goal oriented. They have numerous objectives, consistently pursue them, and regularly accomplish them — often times to an astonishing degree.

Here’s the secret:

Self-disciplined individuals can gain consistent progress toward their objectives because they don't invest a lot of energy contemplating them.

Instead, self-disciplined individuals maintain their focus on their actions — things they can really do and control. Things that, whenever done consistently after some time, will probably prompt the ideal objective or result.

To put it another way, self-disciplined individuals understand they cant control the result of their goals, but they can control their efforts:

You can't control whether a novel gets composed. You can control whether you compose 300 words every day during your mid-day break.

You can't control whether you shed 20 pounds. You can control if you have dessert.

You can't control the grade you get on a test. You can control how frequently you study.

Investing a lot of energy pondering your objectives is an distraction from the things you really have control over — your actions

The best mindset toward results and objectives is to "set it and forget it."

You need to think of your objectives at first. it's ideal to savor them for some time whenever you've achieved them. Yet, keep your eye off the prize and focus on the little actions you can take at this moment.

Don’t waste your energy on things you can’t control.

Follow these four tips and you’ll be the person others look up to as you breeze through every single one of your goals. Leaving little to no chance of failure and stress.

#personal development #self improvement #self discipline #self care #tip #productivity #motivation #motivational quotes #tips

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cannyouuhearmenoww · 5 years

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I Will Choose You Every Day

Making choices has never been my strong suit

Past events, friends, fights, attitudes, grades, weight can all testify to that

The problem is I'm always making choices for someone else

I'm always considering how what I do will effect those around me

And often I'm striving to please the wrong people

In recent years I've been better at looking out for me and my health, mentally and physically

When making changes one of two things can happen, either you fall right back into old habits or you tip the scale too far in the other direction

I fell back into the habit of being with someone who I needed to take care of

Then when I decided to let go and move on I jumped off the deep end of the other extreme

I became selfish

And I'm sorry you had to meet me that way

But loving you has brought me back to balance

For the first time I'm in love and being loved back by someone who can take care of themselves

As much as we joke and kid you could never get by without me, in reality we both know you'd thrive no matter what

And it's the most liberating feeling in the world to know you'd be fine without me but you still choose to be with me

I don't feel guilty for taking care of myself anymore because you support me unconditionally and you're not afraid to tell me if I've gone too far

You've shown me more patience than anyone else in your life and that's how I know loving me is not a fleeting romance for you

It's something real that you choose to work at every day

If I could go back and change the things I've said and done out of selfishness I would

I wouldn't have made you hear about him, I would've trashed all those pictures, I would have told my friends about you, I would have declared my love for you proudly, I would have heard you out instead of saying no just to say no

I would've never made you doubt this was as real for me as it is for you

I can't change the past but I can tell you the truth

The truth I thought would make me vulnerable, needy, and pathetic

The truth you've never been afraid to share with me

I'm choosing to share it with you now

Bryan, I started falling in love with you from our first encounter

(Well actually even before that)

From the minute I saw you enter orientation I thought you were so handsome

You had a smile that lit up the whole room

And a laugh that was absolutely intoxicating to hear

I don't know if you even realize it, but you have a magnetism about you that draws people in with your charm and charisma and I felt it right away

You were the first non administrator to greet me in the lunchroom

You came right up without any hesitation

Knowing you as well as I know you now I know you'll laugh when I tell you how nervous you made me

I tried to keep a cool and calm composer but I'm sure my blushed face and shaky words were a dead give away

I wanted to take your invitation, I really did, but I couldn't get up the courage to

I was so scared I'd go with you and I'd make a bad first impression on you and everyone else because I was so shy and nervous

So I went with the safe bet and stuck with the people who were just as scared and nervous as I was

It was the cowardly thing to do and I beat myself up over it for weeks after that

But you gave me hope I hadn't completely messed up because in the computer lab you included me in conversation and even offered a tour for the new people

I admired (and envied) your confidence and for the first time in that new and scary place I felt safe and it was with you

Our following encounters were meaningless in the most meaningful ways

You would help out in our class to do puzzles, projects, and games and bring excitement to otherwise monotonous days

I found myself eagerly looking towards the door at the sound of the handle turning hoping it would be you

And feeling disappointment in the pit of my stomach when I didn't see your face

Based on our personalities it is no surprise you were the first one to suggest activities that involved spending more time together like going to pick up lunch

When you asked if I'd be interested in dressing up together for Halloween you made me feel like somebody for the first time in a while

I felt special, you had friends who wanted you to dress up with them and of all those people you wanted to do something with me

A girl you barely knew (who often gave you a lot of attitude because she didn't know how to flirt with you to save her life)

For the first time since I had started that job 2 months earlier I was excited on my way in that morning

I knew it was going to be a fun day, and not because of any activities, but because I knew I had a reason to spend more time with you

I had no idea how hard that day was going to be for you

I knew you received failing test results the night before but it was not until later on that I would find out the magnitude of what that truly meant to you

I was impressed by how you kept a brave face on through everyone asking and offering condolences and suggesting you'd have better luck next time

I remember wanting to say more about it but knowing it wasn't my place

When you asked me to go out with you after work I don't think I could have said yes fast enough

Which was surprising to me because normally the thought of going out alone with someone I barely knew would leave me riddled with anxiety

But instead I found myself smiling at the thought of having all of your attention on me

Sitting there at the bar with you I knew that was it for me

The conversation flowed so naturally, my face hurt from laughing and smiling so much

Everything about it felt natural; confiding in you, sitting close to you, letting time pass with you

On the night after your birthday, a night that was supposed to be celebrating you, you chose to take me out for drinks and then to the haunted house I wanted to go to so bad

When we arrived I was admittedly more scared than I thought I would be but being with you kept me calm

I trusted you so much even as acquaintances

Here I was at a haunted house, with a guy I barely knew (but was very interested in), dreading going home to a boyfriend who loved me but even at our best never made me feel this alive

The chemistry I felt when I grabbed your arm was undeniable, I didn't want to let go but I knew I had to

I hated saying goodbye to you that night

I hated the uncertainty of what that night meant to you

I was left pleasantly surprised when you messaged me on Instagram that night (we still hadn't even exchanged numbers yet)

I remember my face lighting up when I get your message and being so excited to tell my family about the time I had spent with you

And they called it right away, they could tell my heart was beating for you a mile a minute, and they feared what my next choice would be

Just 2 nights later we went out again, this time you wanted to introduce me to your best friend

As a girl, meeting a guy's female best friend, is probably one of the most nerve racking experiences because girls can be brutal

But once again you proved I was safe with you and you never left my side the whole evening

We were at a table with a group of other people in an overcrowded bar and yet somehow it felt like we were the only 2 people in the world

From there came the nonstop messages, the never ending conversation

I would struggle to stay awake at night to talk to you and wake up excited to see what message I would have waiting for me in the morning

I was absolutely addicted to conversing with you, we could talk about anything

TV, movies, music, friends, family, school, philosophies, anything

You were my best friend

Weekends became the hardest part, during the week work was an excuse to see you and get together after but I wanted reasons for to see you more

I remember buying our Silverstein convert tickets and counting down days on my calendar to Brittany's engagement party

I remember it became harder with every passing day to keep lying to the people in my life about you

I chose to keep you a secret, I chose to try to continue my life's status quo and in doing that I chose to hurt you

I was selfish, I didn't want anything to ruin what we already had going and I didn't want to fully commit to what we were so clearly becoming

My poor choices caught up to me the first day I went to your house

On the drive to your house (from North Plainfield) I remember thinking about how much I had missed you over the past couple days and how much I would miss you for the week you'd be away

Now at this point I knew I liked you, and I wanted you, but I had no idea I was going to leave that night in love with you

You greeted me at the door with my favorite wine, you showed me to your room and put on your favorite movie

You told me why it was your favorite and I let your every word pull me closer and closer to you until we were merely inches away

You ordered us food, we did our normal amount of bantering and laughing and I knew I could do this with you every day for the rest of my life

You took me out for dessert and showed me all the places in Montclair you'd like to take me one day

We saa at the bar with question cards in hand, making light of the cheesy blind date game on the counter

As questions passed our answers became more involved and you said something I'll never forget

We were talking about why you went into physical therapy, you told me stories of how you've seen physical therapy change people's lives

You said "all I want to do is make a difference, I want to help people in any way I can, so I chose a career that would allow me to help people physically and mentally"

Those words stood out to me because that's all I had ever wanted since I got into psychology and nutrition and fitness

I wanted to help people feel as good as they can, and if I can have a positive influence on even one person in my life I will have succeeded in that goal

Having the same hopes, goals, values, and dreams as someone is rare

I knew you were something special, you could never be just a friend

When we got back to your house I could have chosen to go home

You could have chosen to ask me to leave

But instead to invited me in and I said yes

We repositioned ourselves on your bed but this time I couldn't bear to waste anymore time away from you

I took a chance you felt the same way and would be okay with my resting my head on your shoulder

I felt discouraged when you didn't immediately wrap me up in your arms, but I knew you were being respectful of my situation

Eventually I wore you down and for the first time we laid together, body to body, breathing in unison

You were excited to tell me about your favorite show and I was excited to see you so happy

It took almost 2 hours but you finally got up the courage to tilt my chin up towards you and bring our lips together

I felt catatonic shock, like there was an electric charge running through my veins

I felt all the hair on my body stand up and tensed up muscles begin to melt and relax

I wanted to keep going but I chose to stop because that moment validated everything I felt towards you was real

I drove home that night with my head spinning determined to use your time away to as a chance to clear my head

All my thoughts revolved around you, and even after our conversation about how you felt towards me, I once again made the cowardly decision to put off making a choice between you and him

I started cluing in my friends and family about what had happened and they were not happy with me

I had once again made a choice that disappointed everyone so I decided in that moment to be selfish

I kept doing what I was doing because it was making me happy without considering what I was doing to you

When you got back I knew things were different between us

You took me to dinner and museum in the city, by an standards a romantic date, and I was cold and distant

I felt guilty over my difficulty to make a choice

But you never faultered, you stayed positive, and continued to work to win me over

Then came the engagement party, an event I had so been looking forward to since you had invited me

I got my hair done the way you suggested and agonized over what to wear to impress you

As the alcohol continued to flow we got more and more comfortable putting our hands on one another and I was overly excited to go home with you

You held my hand for the first time in the car and once we got in bed you grabbed my face, with more force than before

You kissed me without stopping

I kissed you back and in that moment I had never wanted someone so bad in my life

But even with my head clouded with desire the little voice of guilt returned and I knew I couldn't go through with it, not like this

I made the choice to say no and I knew that made you feel unwanted and I'm sorry

I knew I would not be able to say no forever, not even for a week

The following week you planned a special date for us, because once again you were not ready to give up on me

You took me to medeveal times, another place I wanted to go, and showed me a real date could be like with someone you click with

I knew that would be our night

I knew this time if you made a move I wouldn't say no

I knew you'd make a move

I felt the same electric charge of desire and excitement as the first time we kissed

With you body pressed against mine I knew you had been lusting over the thought of this encounter

You made me feel pleasure I had never felt before and with our bodies together as one for the first time I fell deeper in love with you

I didn't want that night to end, I didn't want to return to my reality of still having to choose

My choice was clear but I was still so scared to take the jump with you

I knew as time passed I had to act soon or I'd lose you forever

With that thought in my head I officially chose you the day I said goodbye to him

I said I wanted time to myself but that was a lie, I wanted you, but I didn't want you to doubt my feelings

I didn't want to scare you away with the notion that you were only a rebound

I wanted you, I chose you, I was committed to making it work with you

I think we were both in a state of euphoria when we were finally free to be together

I spent every night with you over winter break

But reality hit us as hard as my back hit the mountain on our snowboarding trip

I couldn't put a label on us because I was scared of what people would think and I was choosing to please them over you

I was still talking to you as only a friend when you deserved my respect as a partner

I made a lot of my mistakes that first month that I wish I could take back

Happiness was finally back in our lives when we chose our special day and that high carried us to Valentine's day

I took you for granted that day and I'm sorry

Even though we smiled through most of the evening I'll never forget the fight that ensued upon arriving home

For the first time I was scared of really losing and there was nothing I could say because all your complaints were true

I wasn't treating how I'd treated others and you deserved better because you were the best thing that had ever happened to me

I promised to be better but the lingering resentment only led to more fights

There was one week in March I was convinced that would be it

You were upset with how I ignored your friends in the halls, shared secrets that were meant to stay between us and made you question if I was truly in this with you

I was being selfish

That was a rock bottom for me

I knew I had to change

I knew everything you were telling me was for my own good, not for selfish motives

I know I'm not perfect now but I hope you see how far I've been trying to come for you

I hope you know I'm here for better and for worse

I hope you know any future involving you would make you happy

I'm done being selfish

I'm choosing you always

I know making these choices was what was best for us because this time spent with you since then has been the happiest of my life and I mean that sincerely

And all I could think of at the wedding cerey the other night was the vows I would write to you

I would vow to support you no matter what, with work, with your test, with you furthering your coaching and education, I'd be here for it

I would vow to always be loyal to you above everyone else because you are the most important person in my life

I would vow to be honest with you, no matter how hard that may be or how scared I may be to do so

I would vow to always be the best person I can be because you deserve no less, and even if I suck at taking criticism I'd do my best to hear you out always

I would vow to respect you always, I would give you space when you ask for it and always speak to you as my equal and never question your feelings

I would vow to love you, whether it be through words or actions

Most importantly I would vow to choose you, to wake up every day and never be afraid to let the world know that I am yours and you are mine because you have given me the courage I have always lacked

And even though marriage is a long way away, I vow these to you now

I love you more than anything Bryan

I choose you as I always have and I always will ❤️

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compass0zelladay · 5 years

Text

Hi! I have had this account for a while (of years) but I'm a technically new studyblr

So, as I'm in my second semester of university (which actually it's only a 4 months time period, but the concept of semester is the most mm... "similar" I found to the concept of "ciclo de estudios" from my education system. I will look up for the proper term later 😅) I now have a plenty of things to publish on my studyblr. Finally I will use it x'd

I took this photos with b612 camera app

-girl, thy dont luc gud. Wii don wanna know. Like why?

I know, but I swear they looked legit about 30 mins ago when I took them. Till I realized I had been taking them with the blue light filter on 😂.

I was like ~wow, this actually came out good they look like good ("real" lol) studyblr photos. I'm proud :')

(Then saw the filter on and turned it off)

~Nono, my babies are now crappy.

But despite of it, the whole process was fun :)

So to any one who happens to have a blue light filter on their phone (the thing that makes your screen go yellowish) and is curious, go ahead and turn it on ^-^

About me:

I'm a psychology student (2ndo ciclo), my first language is spanish (I'm latinoamerican), my second is my decaying english xd. Man, it's been years ever since the last time I spoke it with a native speaker face to face.

My pronunciation is trash now because my sis and I played to do weird tug accents 🤗 and she became the only person with who I talked in english, so it became an habit. But as long as I can be understood by others, fine for me ;)

Learning english is one of my biggest accomplished goals because I did it on my own basically with duolingo, songs (lots of it) and tv shows (8 year old me loved CSI and everything alike. The genre is police drama series, right?) and I'm proud of that because I was the kid on which the english teacher had gave up all effort and after some months started having constructive polite arguments on the grammar structure with her.

(Postdata: My profesors have never got mad for students being curious or correcting them and I have heard this is a common issue for some people so I just wanted to make clear this wasn't the case)

Nowadays my grammar is also sligghhhhtly trashy because I lost practice and the obsessive desire to learn english.

My interests are: learning french and german, singing, drawing, visual arts, getting a schoolarship (here it works different, but I won't explain it rn because I'm very talkative and get lost on it 😅), make it to a national university, autism research (I'm currently working in an introductory text for family members of children with autism. Is a personal initiative ;) ), rodents (I freaking love them as long as they come from a friend/pet shop or anuwhere but the sewers, don't carry diseases and mean no harm, they are my fav), meeting new people, and learning in general.

Tv shows I currently watch: Euphoria, Trevor Noah's (my other crush) stand up comedy acts, Aggretsuko, Ok k.o. and steven universe. This list would be longer if I were counting my favs, also with all of the homework I don't have enough time :'(

The music I love: I listen to almost anything, but I don't like reggaeton. For party's it's okay, but, me downloading a J Balvin, Farruco, etc. song to my cellphone or even listening to it on spotify just doesn't happen xd. The genre I listen to the most is electro, chill and trap, basically most of what is on cloudkid. I like blackbear songs a lot, if my parents or my neighbors could understand english I'd be punished by now 😂👌😊. Brendon Urie is my crush and I also like soft things like Tate mc Rae songs or "I found" by Amber Run.

My fears: Rn, that my emojis look too different in another phone and send the wrong message. That is why the: xd, x'd, :), :'), ^-^ are my default go to's. Mystery solved ^-^.

I choose this career path because I like helping others and being a psychologist is such an amazing work that allows you to help people reach their goals, to be by their side (and we all have needed someone at least once in our lives), lend an ear, learn to understand better and orientate them towards improvement and to simply help in such a deep and meaningful way. And I find this amazing <3

There is always someone who needs help when you are a psychologist. Even if you don't actually need it and have been obligated to go there against your will, you need it because of the situation itself xdxdxd

I don't have a freaking idea on how to finish this but it was nice to meet you, darling, I promise I won't be as talkative in my future posts ;)

And lastly, a piece of advice to any new studyblr who doesn't have pretty stationary or/and a nice camera:

Don't worry, being an studyblr is about sharing your student work and advancements 😊

See you in later posts 😇

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spicycreativity · 3 years

Text

Soft-Shoe Shuffle - Ch 9

Chapter: 9/12 Additional Notes: See Ch 1 for more information. Read on AO3 under "WizardGlick." Any formatting/italics errors are holdovers from AO3 that I was too lazy to fix. Chapter Content Warnings: N/A; ask to tag Excerpt: "You don't think he's in love with you, do you?" Roman asked in a strained tone. Silence. "Do you?" Roman demanded. "Oh my god," Virgil said through gritted teeth. Janus could practically hear his jaw creaking. "Virgil!" Roman whisper-shouted.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it

That's my life and all that I've got

Call me a liar, call me a writer

Believe me or not, believe me or not

The sound of a door open and closing startled Janus out of his dreams so violently that he jerked and gasped before falling still again.

Silence followed, but he kept his eyes closed and tried to orient himself. He felt like Remus had used him as a training dummy and remembered very little of the reason why .

Roman's voice broke the silence. "It's not your shift yet, Smoke on the Water."

"I thought you could use the company," Virgil said. "And maybe I missed you."

"Oh, don't lie." Roman sighed and his breath ghosted over Janus' cheek. He was close, then. "That's his job."

Virgil scoffed. "Not anymore, apparently."

Janus focused on keeping his breathing even. It wouldn't do to get caught now of all times.

"You don't buy it?" Roman asked.

"I don't know!" Virgil exclaimed, loud enough to make Janus flinch. In a softer voice, he continued, "I guess people can change. I mean, I did. But it was gradual, and this seems… It seems awfully sudden for a change of heart, especially for someone as stubborn as him."

"You don't think he's in love with you, do you?" Roman asked in a strained tone.

Silence.

"Do you?" Roman demanded.

"Oh my god," Virgil said through gritted teeth. Janus could practically hear his jaw creaking.

"Virgil!" Roman whisper-shouted.

"Have you noticed Patton calling him 'honey'?" Virgil whispered back.

"Wait… You don't think--"

"I don't know!"

"But Patton wouldn't--" Roman tripped over the end of his sentence. "Not him-- "

"You don't just fall in love overnight. What if this some… some campaign for Patton's love?"

"Like a quest?" Roman asked.

Janus nearly laughed. Leave it to Virgil to land three steps to the left of the correct conclusion. And leave it to Roman to spur him on.

Despite the ache in his joints and desperate dryness of his mouth, Janus could feel his mind sliding back toward sleep. There would be no fighting it unless he moved, and he couldn't move without giving up the game.

Oh, well.

"It makes sense, doesn't it?" Virgil asked. "Janus doesn't apologize. Janus doesn't do anything unless it serves some sort of end."

"And where does collapsing in my room factor into this master plan?"

"I don't know," Virgil said. "Maybe this part was just bad luck." He sighed and pulled the covers higher up Janus' chest. "It's weird seeing him like this?"

"...Asleep?"

"No, genius. Vulnerable. He doesn't show weakness either."

"Ah, Virgil," Roman said delicately, after a moment's silence. "Not that I'm the best at math, mind you, but something isn't adding up."

"What do you mean?"

"According to Logan, Janus knew he was sick when he came to visit me. Nearly fainted in the kitchen, from what he said. If he's so averse to showing weakness, as you say, why wouldn't he just, you know, wait?"

"...Huh."

"And why would he apologize to me in private? If he wanted to look good in front of Patton, surely he would have found some way to confront me in front of Patton. Janus is still a part of Thomas; he likes an audience. "

Virgil let out a short puff of air through his nose and said nothing for a few moments. "Well… Maybe I shouldn't jump to conclusions like that."

"It's good that you want to be careful," Roman said with undisguised fondness in his voice. Janus almost frowned. Roman and Virgil, really?

"I guess I'll have to wait and see. I really want to know why he keeps calling my name. Rem-- Uh. Okay. Remus said he did it a bunch yesterday."

"He's not Voldemort; you can say his name around me."

"I don't want to make you upset, that's all."

Virgil's words spun lazy circles in Janus' mind, and whatever Roman replied was lost in the rolling fog.

He had expected Virgil to be mistrustful of him; he had every right to be. Janus had expected him to make conspiracies out of nothing and it didn't hurt his feelings.

It also didn't make him happy, not at all, that Roman had defended him with nothing to gain from it.

Sleep came languid and slow, and for once not accompanied by tongues of fire.

Maybe it was luck or maybe it was Virgil's sense of duty, but the next time Janus opened his eyes, it was Virgil that he saw.

Virgil's eyes widened almost comically and he froze.

For a moment, they just stared at each other. Then Janus regained his wits and said, in a tone like they were coworkers who had just passed each other in the hall, "Good morning, Virgil."

Virgil opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. "It's afternoon."

"Well. Forgive me for not counting the hours when I was unconscious," Janus said with venom. Because he was scared.

Virgil scowled at him. "Whatever. Glad you're not dead. I'll go get Patton now."

"No, wait." Janus tried to sit up, hating how his arms shook. He brought out another set to assist, as Virgil seemed disinclined to help, or do anything other than just stare at him. "Force of habit."

"Yeah," Virgil said. "I heard you were on an honesty campaign." The disdain in his voice was almost painful. "Let me guess: You're so sorry for how you treated me in the past. You were jealous because I got what you always wanted and you didn't know how to handle it so you lashed out like the snake you are. And then you couldn't apologize because you were trapped in the image you'd created for yourself, only now, now it's falling down around you and you don't even have your precious pride to stand on, and now there's only one thing left to do." Virgil broke off, a little out of breath. "So you come crawling on your belly to me. The last item on your little 'good person' checklist."

Janus shook , and no amount of blankets could melt the ice that crawled down his veins. Virgil's image blurred, cold tears threatening to spill over. And really, what did Janus have left to lose? Hadn't he earned this? At the end of the day, he was the architect of his own demise.

"For what's it's worth, Virgil," he said, his voice so cracked and rasping he barely even recognized it, "I am sorry. I was jealous. And… I tied my own hands. I see that now."

"So you're saying…" Virgil straightened a little. "You were wrong?"

"Yes, Virgil. I was wrong."

Virgil laughed.

He doubled over, shoulders spasming, and laughed until his face turned red and tears ran down his cheeks. "I can't-- I can't believe this…"

"Um, Virgil?" Janus' humiliation gave way to concern as Virgil's breaths became more and more erratic.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear you say," Virgil said. "I had so many ideas for how I was going to throw it back in your stupid, smug snake face." He wiped his eyes even as more tears fell.

Janus just stared at him.

"Here's what's funny," Virgil continued. "Now… Now that it finally happened and I have you right where I want you, I don't want to do it ."

"You--" Janus' heart leapt. "You believe me?"

"I believe you." Virgil looked at him, eyes still shining. "But only because you look so sweet holding that teddy bear."

"What?" Janus looked down and realized with a jolt that he did indeed have a stuffed bear tucked under his arm. It was pale brown with white felt on the paws and ears, and was wearing a little T-shirt with 'get well beary soon!' printed on it. "Patton."

"Patton," Virgil said with a nod.

Janus looked around properly for the first time and he realized that Patton was not the only one who had left a gift.

A magnificent bouquet of white roses dominated his nightstand, nearly overshadowing a smaller bouquet of baby's breath and hydrangeas in a Mason jar. Behind the vases stood a 6-pack of blue Gatorade, and balanced on the lids was a small, handmade book.

Virgil noticed him staring and passed over one of the Gatorades, breaking the seal on the lid so Janus wouldn't have to struggle with it.

"Um, Virgil," Janus said, taking a shaky sip and realizing he wasn't wearing his gloves. He grit his teeth and tried not to mind. "I do understand if you don't want to be around me right away."

Virgil shook his head. "I'm done being mad."

"...Just like that?"

"I…" Virgil bit down hard on his lip. "I'm making the choice to forgive you. And maybe I'm being naïve and maybe you'll sink your fangs into my neck the second my guard is down, but… Well, you know, maybe for once the best-case scenario will happen and we'll all be best friends and Thomas will never have problems again."

Janus smiled. "You've changed, Virgil. A lot."

"Yeah, well." Virgil shrugged. "So have you, I think."

Janus raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Virgil leaned in, his grin wolfish and wide. "You're still holding the teddy bear."

Janus' face burned, but he for once made no effort to hide it. "It was a gift, Virgil, it would be rude to--"

"Stop snuggling it and put it with your other gifts?"

Janus closed his eyes and let his head rest against his headboard. "Yes."

"Airtight argument," Virgil said, but the laughter was gone from his voice. "I should get Logan. And you should finish your Gatorade. You probably feel pretty shitty, huh?"

"No, Virgil, I feel fantastic."

"I'm gonna let that slide because you're half-dead."

"Mm." Janus slid further down, gently aware of the Gatorade bottle tipping in his hand.

"Okay." Virgil grabbed the bottle. "No spilling. I'm gonna leave this here with a straw in it. You'd better drink some."

"Okay," Janus said, though he had no intention of doing so. Exhaustion washed over him, a rising tide promising to drag him under.

"You know, once word gets out that you're… not, like, delirious anymore, everybody's going to come running."

"Then don't tell," Janus mumbled, rolling over and pulling the covers up over his head.

"Are you really going back to sleep? You just woke up!"

"Just readjusting."

"Sure."

Janus sighed and wriggled so just his face was poking out from underneath the covers. "Happy?"

"I just don't think you should go back to sleep without drinking something. And no, one tiny sip of Gatorade doesn't count."

"You want to talk to me." Janus was too tired to properly revel in his information, so he settled for a smirk. It was difficult to do with half his face smushed into the mattress, but he was well-practiced.

"Keep pushing and I'm gonna start reading to you from Remus' book of dirty limericks. He hand-wrote that for you, by the way."

"What?" Janus fought to keep the nervous edge out of his voice.

"He said it was an inside joke."

With a concentrated effort, Janus sent the booklet to the top shelf of his closet. He doubted even Remus was reckless enough to expose Janus'... total lack of romantic feelings for Patton in such a careless manner, but still. Better safe than sorry. "Virgil?"

"Hm?"

"What did you get me? I assume the roses are from Roman and the Gatorade is from Logan."

"And the blue flowers are from Patton also."

"Surely they guilt-tripped you into livening up my deathbed as well?"

"My gift was more... abstract."

"Not smothering me to death with Patton's teddy bear does not count as a gift."

"Oh, no." Virgil smirked. "I told Patton how you really take your coffee."

The uncomfortable feeling of being not only seen, but known made Janus hide his face under the comforter again. "You didn't."

"Oh, I did. He knows all about your whipped cream addiction."

" Virgil."

"You're welcome, honey."

Janus went completely still. Half-formed memories of Roman and Virgil conversing in his room swam around his head and oh. Virgil had guessed it. Part of it, anyway. Janus had thought he'd let it go with the rest of his little conspiracy theory, but… And now he'd just completely missed his chance to bluff. He tried anyway. "If this is your way of calling me sweet--"

"Busted," Virgil interrupted.

"Go back to being scared of me," Janus muttered into the blankets.

"Look," Virgil said, voice deadly serious. "I can't tell you what to do, but I swear to all things dark and stormy, if you break Patton's heart, I'll break you ."

"I don't--" Janus tried. "I-- We're not…" He made an exaggerated, high-pitched coughing sound. "I'm going to tell Logan that you antagonized me while I was trying to sleep."

"Oh, please."

"And Patton and I aren't-- He doesn't-- He doesn't feel that way about me."

"That fever must have evaporated some of your brain cells," Virgil said.

Janus was inclined to agree, although for different reasons-- He couldn't think of a single way to change the subject. He settled for a long, drawn-out hiss.

"Just talk to him, okay?" Virgil said. "Or don't. Actually, don't."

"I don't need your permission to start dating Patton," Janus spat, forgetting himself.

"So you do want to date him."

"...No."

"I believe you."

"I'm going back to sleep now."

"Gatorade first." Virgil drew the covers back and held the bottle up to Janus. There was a straw in it now, a purple bendy straw that poked Janus in the lip. He fixed Virgil with a death glare and was privately relieved to see Virgil shrink back under its intensity. Like a river changing course, the parts of Janus that made him who he was were still there, even if his direction had altered.

That was good enough for him.

But he still wasn't going to let Virgil nurse him like he was some kind of helpless baby animal.

Careful not to drop the teddy bear, Janus sat up and took the bottle from Virgil. He drank half of it before his shaking hands gave up on him.

"Go to sleep," Virgil said, setting the bottle on the nightstand. "I'll tell the others not to crowd you." He turned to leave.

Janus almost let him. "Thank you, Virgil. And…" He'd had quite enough of showing his belly, and yet…. "I really am sorry. For everything."

"I know, Janus. Get some rest."

#spicywrites #spicywrites soft-shoe shuffle #god im so tired #song featured: that's my story and i'm stickin' to it - jimmy buffett #sanders sides

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