#I don't even think about mine all that often since I tend to turn aging off lol

[sysig]

Light would be the type of Sims player to make his Sim take the Criminal career and then actively make their home life a living hell

[meshla-cyarika]

How many ARCS does it take to crush a natborn?

Pairing: Fives x M!reader, Echo x M!reader

Word count: 1,022

Tags/warnings: none. Its complete fluff.

Summary: you love cuddling your boys, you love waking up in their arms even more. The only problem is, you can't breathe.

--------------------------------------------------

You've gotten used to naturally waking up to Naboo's only sun streaming through the blinds of your bedroom window. What you haven't gotten used to is waking up unable to breathe.

Well, you can breathe, but it's a slight struggle with two former ARC troopers sprawled out ontop of you. Echo is on your left (nearest to the window) with one leg thrown over your waist and an arm and his head resting on your bare chest. You always found it uncomfortable to sleep with a shirt on, especially when under the covers. Meanwhile, Fives practically has his entire body laying on you, limbs sprawled everywhere and his face is squeezed into the crook of your neck.

You turn your head and glare at all the space on their sides of the king sized bed you had brought to avoid situations like this. That being said, you don't hate cuddling. Quite the opposite, actually. After being forcibly seperated all the time during the war, none of you give up an opportunity for physical contact. You sigh and wrap your arms around them both, knowing better than to wake them up. Disturbing your Dominos when they're perfectly content snuggled up to you would be a death sentence.

A smile breaks out on your face when you think about how you had met. It had been a big victory for the 501st and they were granted shore leave for five days. 79s was ram packed with boys in blue so much so that there were hardly any natborns in there, but you'd managed to weasel your way in. You were sat at the bar, nursing a Corellian whiskey, when a certain ARC with a numbered tattoo started chatting you up and a sheepish man with a hand print on his chest plate stood next to him. It feels like yesterday that Fives had said those twelve corny words to you. "Hey, baby, you got a name, or can I call you mine?"  A month later, you were dating the most handsome men the galaxy had ever seen and you've been together ever since.

You're snapped back to reality, when Fives stirs in his sleep. You think he's gonna wake up and finally release you from his chokehold, but he stays sound asleep and somehow manages to put even more weight on your ribs. The Domino twins, along with many other clones, lost a bit of muscle after the end of the war, but, by the Maker, they were still heavy. It's been four years since the end of the Clone Wars. General Kenobi defeated General Grievous on Utapau, General Skywalker brought Count Dooku into custody, Commander Tano brought Maul into custody and Chancellor Palpatine was discovered to be the mastermind behind this war and was killed by the Jedi Council. It took half a year for the discussion of clone equal rights in the Senate, which they were granted at the end of that year. It took two years for the Republic to create a suppressant for the clones' rapid aging, which managed to slow it down to natural human aging.

The loyal soldiers of the Grand Army of the Republic are free men.

You silently thank the Maker, when you notice the telltale signs of them starting to wake up - small twitches and grumbles. When Fives wakes slowly, he tends to stretch a bit like a loth cat. He yawns and does this little squeak that you don't dare mention, but it makes you smile anyway. After he stretches, he goes limp and boneless for a moment as his brain catches up to reality. Echo, however, tends to go from asleep to awake very smoothly. He doesn’t jerk awake as often anymore, but it’s a near thing. His body stays lax for the most part, but he blinks awake and takes just a second or two to get his bearings. Some mornings, he’ll lay with you for a little longer than usual, tucking his face up close to yours until you're both ready to get up.

They're absolutely adorable in their own ways.

You remain still when your partners awake. Fives sits up to stretch his whole body, before dumping his weight back ontop of you, making a grunt fall past your lips as he slightly knocks the air from your lungs. Echo blinks awake, tucks himself closer to you and breathes deeply. A luxury you can't perform yourself.

"Morning." Fives always has the deepest morning voice.

"Morning." You reply back. "Can you both breathe?"

A pair of concerned frowns meet your gaze, but you keep your expression innocent.

"Yeah?" Echo eventually answers.

"Well, I can't." You put it bluntly. "Shift."

You haven't seen them move so quick this early in the morning for years, as they scramble to their sides of the bed. You take a few deep breaths and, Maker, oxygen has never felt so good.

"You okay?" Fives looks down at you with furrowed brows. You nod tiredly and place a kiss to his forehead, causing his expression to calm.

"Yeah, I'm fine." You mumble, turning to kiss Echo's forehead aswell. "You have all that space and you still decide to crush me." You give them a pointed stare.

"Old habits die hard, cyar'ika." Fives smirks, wrapping his arms back around you, but making sure to give you more breathing room this time.

"We're sorry, cyare." A light blush coats Echo's face, as he sheepishly places a kiss to your cheek.

"It's not your fault." You reassure him, running a hand through his hair. "It's because of how many nights we all had to sleep in those regulation bunks that could hardly even fit one person in."

"Except this time, Echo isn't falling on his ass every five minutes." Fives sniggers.

You close your eyes with a smile, as you listen to them bicker about old times. Are you going to wake up with your airway being crushed again? Definitely. But you have your boys right where you want them, maybe breathing is acceptable to give up if it means you get to hold them as close as possible.

[eldritchmochi]

hey, what symptoms is masculinizing hrt supposed to treat for eds exactly if you don't mind? saw your ask about dwarfism that mentioned it. ive got heds and im kinda desperate for potential treatment options, wondering if this is smth i should look into?

SO: this is all anecdotal, it is not necessarily a great global treatment for many many reasons but if youre an afab edser and already considering hrt, things i and others have noticed T helping with are:

joint pain/subluxations: higher levels of t seem to help because thats the hormone that helps you build and maintain muscle, and muscle when u have shitty connective tissue helps protect and stabilize your joints, so they hurt less because they flop around less (this may also be why eds is more commonly seen in afab folks, as amab folks especially cis men have more muscle from the get go, so they often have less issues)

chronic pain in general: my theory is that, since i have fewer subluxations, im generally a smidge less globally inflamed, so generally a smidge less pain (very subjective tho, and also i started taking regular nsaids a few months into t, so ymmv)

less fatigue, particularly after physical activity: i have no theories on why for this one (and its also pretty subjective, especially cos fatigue can be related to so many things when youre multiply disabled, like many edsers are)

less cold/dizzy, presumably from better circulation: t can increase your blood volume iirc, as well as give you bigger veins and whathaveyou

easier blood draws: again, bigger veins, easier to hit with a needle. ymmv still based on hydration etc, and mine are still bouncy and tend to roll, but more often than not if i am well hydrated most phlebotomists can get me in one stick, compared to even experienced phlebotomists needing to dig around at best

and then a small handful of other benefits ive noticed relating to collagen, like i have fewer random scrapes and bruises, presumably because my skin is a little thicker now and thus a little more resistant to damage, plus my nails and hair are less likely to break (tho idk how much of that is related to eds as a whole and how much is just my family)

i am currently doing .2ml subq injections every 7-10 days and noticed substantially more positive effect when i was at a weekly .3ml subq dose, however i ran so hot that i turned into Shorts In Winter Guy, and i hated it especially since i circled around to being so sweaty i was sick from it, so i backed off a lot. during the 18ish months i was on a .3ml dose tho, i think i had <10 subluxations the entire span, compared to >10 on average in any given week for years prior. on .2ml im experiencing significantly more subluxations, but still <10 a month, and theyre less impactful (often its waking up with one ankle not quite in place, which settles after a few minutes of movement)

of note though, my experiences are as someone who was significantly impacted by heds starting at age 14-15, and im 33 now, whereas i have a friend on a much lower dose of t (not sure the amount, but theyre doing gel) with great effect still, as someone of comparable age but who was less impacted until relatively recently due to spending their youth and early 20s physically active in a variety of ways i did Not lmao

ive seen several other transmasc edsers discuss anecdotally the benefits theyve seen from being on T, and the geneticist i saw when i was finally dx'd earlier this year mentioned her familiarity with the same benefits learned thru patients, so its a thing some doctors ARE aware of, there just havent been many, if any, formal studies (because of course not (: ). if you were already kicking around hrt for The Genders, absolutely recommend going for it. if you have The Genders and maybe havent considered T before, i think its definitely worth researching and pondering. not sure i would really recommend it to someone who was cis, but there are ways to mitigate a number of masculine secondary sex characteristics spawned from T so i dont think its off the table for everyone, you would just need to find a very clever experienced doctor for it

also of note is i experienced benefits VERY quickly, within 6-8 weeks of a .25ml/week dose, and in that span most of the effects of t are not permanent or otherwise fairly negligible, so there isnt a ton of risk imo to test it to see if its worth it for you. just be aware that, because of the collagen thing and the way vocal cords work, your voice WILL drop and it will drop IMMEDIATELY (however, even if your voice drops a ton, you can still sound fully passibly feminine with a little practice and knowledge)

[delta-pavonis]

Harlot??

Heeehehe. This is another OC of mine. A dream this time. Named Harlot.

This came from a Tumblr conversation (that has since been deleted by the OP, sadly) where we chatted back and forth about how Hob's dreams would be different because of his age. And what if, because his mind was a strange constant for some time in the Dreaming, he became a training ground of sorts for new dreams and nightmares. And then, upon Dream's return and his subsequent meeting with Hob, what if Hob's mind was closed from all but the King himself, who wished to tend to his lover's dreams? What would the poor dreams and nightmares do, once their Lord realized that they have been using Hob's dreaming mind as a training ground for centuries? Well, of course, they would unionize. XD I never got to that part and I don't think I will ever come back to this, but I really like what I have of Harlot and the other bits of the Dreaming I came up with. Very surrealist, kinda fun. And hey look! No smut!

(And yes, Harlot uses it/its pronouns for itself.)

It figures out that things have changed when it is barred from entering Robert Gadling's dreams. There is no mistaking that familiar and aching tug, just to the left of its breastbone, exactly where a heart would be if it were anything approaching human. No other dreamer pulls at its heartspace just so. That is definitely him. But it cannot find the knob, not even the seam of where it might pry the door open, to enter his dreams. Odd.

It is summoned by humans in so many ways. Most often by lips, or cunt, or phallus. But also hands, breasts, ass, feet, neck. The curl of its hair. The suppleness of its thigh. The rich texture of chest hair. The arch of an aquiline nose. Oh, and bless Old Roy, by the dimples that bracket its bony kneecaps. So many different places where its fantasies begin.

Rarely do such fantasies start at the heart, at least so it is for its specific domain. There are myriad other dreams who trade in love and warmth and family and sweetness of touch. Nightmares, too. It knows many of them well. But it is ever so rare that its particular flavor of wantonness starts in the hearth of the heart.

Harlot is its name. It is a fantasy of reckless abandonment of sexual mores, a dream of lust-drunk nights tearing down the scaffolding of society with wild moans, of passion that ignores all taboos until it is all-consuming, until it burns your eyes, your teeth, your fingerprints, your DNA... burns your very identity away and leaves you only named Theirs.

Lottie, to its friends.

Hob would call it Lottie, if he knew it so.

But Hob only knows it by another name.

Stranger.

The Stranger.

Or, fleetingly, while turned inside-out in pleasure, he names it My Stranger.

He has lived longer than so many of his kin, this Hob Gadling, that a fair majority of the Dreaming's citizens have met his dreaming mind, been called upon in one way or another as he sleeps. It is an honored tradition for many, a welcome challenge, never knowing which other dreams and nightmares you will be asked to contend with. There was that one time, when Hob caused Atomat, the nightmare flash of nuclear war, to meet with ancient Ionia, the now-dust-laden dream of chivalric honor, where they… ah, but that is a different story.

Lottie has not counted, but it might be the most frequent visitor to Hob’s dreams. At least Lottie thinks it is the most frequent dream Hob calls to. Yersinia, the nightmare plague, also has held grip on his mind for centuries, never gone for long, as has Demer, the drowning terror. But in terms of dreams…

The first time Lottie was summoned to don a shell of its Maker was the first time it had any inkling what humans actually might mean by embarrassment. But that was centuries ago. Lottie still finds it tiring work - certainly no other human has been so reluctant to use a dream or nightmare to work past their issues in the Waking World - yet it has also become a comfort. Easy and familiar. A constant.

And he is such a reliable dreamer that it is his dreamscape that they often take the wee dreamlings and nightmarelets to. Little does Hob know how many common dreams and nightmares of his culture have whet their teeth on his sleeping mind. Lottie likes to think he would be happy to have helped so many.

Being barred access to him is… concerning. 

How could it be that he has come to be sealed off so well? Really, the only power that could bar a dream so wholly from a dreamer that calls it could be…

Oh.

Lottie runs.

Over hill and dale, through the cobblestone streets of a village, out the other end, sharp left, and immediately onto the top of a skyscraper. It skids to a halt and hollers at the other dream sitting there, his tripod of legs dangling over the edge as it watches the pigeons play. “Chips! Fuck me sideways CHIPS!!” 

The other dream looks up, startled, his long mule’s ears swiveling forward like satellite dishes finding a signal. “Lottie? I thought you were…”

“Lord Morpheus! The King! The King himself is in Hob’s dreams!” 

Chips blinks his too-wide bottle green eyes. “That means…”

“Yes.” This is the first time Lottie has been breathless outside its function. What a terribly distressing sensation. This is why it was not made to be a nightmare.

“Ah,” the other dream looks back out to the horizon. “How mad do you reckon He is going to be?”

“If we are lucky?” It follows Chips’ gaze to where the three round gray birds laugh as they kick the little ball back and forth between them. The ball skids along a rogue breeze and the trio all groan as it tumbles away on an updraft. “If we are lucky… He will only be fucking furious.”

Chips bites his lip. "I didn't think Lord Morpheus would ever come for him, you know? Attend to him directly. Why now?"

Lottie has an inkling. Well, more than an inkling. It has been around a lot longer than Chipchickory, well before Hob Gadling. Thousands of years before. Tens of thousands. It knows how dramatically their King has changed in such a short time, even if it has only seen most of it through Hob’s eyes. It knows exactly the shape and texture that Hob's dreams of the King take. If he doesn't already know, Lord Morpheus will immediately be privy to the human's true feelings the moment he enters Hob's dreaming mind. One can't feel that hearttug and not know.

Hob loves the King of Dreams. 

And the King of Dreams loves Hob. He will come to know that of himself soon enough. Lottie is as sure of that as it is its function.

Oh. But… does this mean Lottie will never be with Hob again? Never once more get to be the fire that rides the waves of his rushing blood? That. That… feels wrong. Lottie realizes that it would miss visiting Hob, after all these years. Huh. Fascinating. But the personal shall not overcome the practical. There is work to do, now. Before the Shaper of Forms comes for them.

Lottie brushes invisible dust off its flanks as it turns back to Chips. “Gather the Mentors. If we are to no longer be able to have access to Hob Gadling’s mind we must plan accordingly. Our training regime will need to change. And we will need to support the young ones who will not be ready for the transition to a new dreamer yet.”

Yes. There is work to do.

________________________________

What Lottie doesn’t expect is to see Hob walking the Dreaming, hand trailing over the tops of the tall grasses of Fiddler’s Green, smiling softly to himself. He is alone. 

Lottie should leave this place. Let Hob be. He is here by the grace of the King himself and no other. Lord Morpheus could appear at any moment. And yet… 

It stayed frozen too long. Hob has noticed it standing just down the hill, where the grasses thin into the dirtbanks of the stream. He waves and starts jogging to Lottie, a bright smile on his sweet face. Lottie, for the first time, yearns. Not as its function, not as a part played in a dream, but as itself. 

“Hullo.” The dear crows feet at the corners of Hob’s eyes are a physical pain for it. “I’m sorry, but… you... even at a distance… you seem familiar. I am still learning the ways of the Dreaming. Is it possible I have met you before? In my dreams?”

You have met me uncountable times, Hob. But never as me. Lottie looks down at the plain sundress on its human-like body, flat chest beneath periwinkle cotton, skin glinting silver in the noonday light. When it looks back up Hob is earnestly expectant and it cannot bring up anything but honesty. “Yes. You know me, Robert Gadling. Well sighted, and well met.” It bows its head in deference. 

Their eyes meet and Hob’s widen, mouth dropping into a small oh. “You’re… I know you.” He steps forward and folds those strong arms around Lottie’s shoulders. “You were my Stranger, once upon a time? Were you not? I swear I can feel it.” His voice wraps around its neck and Lottie wants to sob.

Tentatively, it puts its hands on Hob’s back. “Yes.” Its voice is barely a whisper, tremulous and fragile. “Yes.” No more words come.

It can feel Hob smile into its neck, causing a shiver. “Thank you, dear one.” And Lottie does sob at that. He steps back and puts his warm hands to either side of its face, studying it for a moment. “You got me through some of the worst moments in my life.” Hob presses their foreheads together. “I don’t think money matters here, but whatever Dream pays you, he should double it.”

Lottie laughs. “That is really not how it works here, but I appreciate the sentiment.” They stand like that for a moment, pressed together, before it sighs. “Lord Morpheus is mercurial at best and I would not have him scold either of us for such proximity.” Lottie steps back but takes both of Hob’s hands in its own. “Hello, my name is Harlot, but my friends call me Lottie.”

“Hello Lottie.” Hob squeezes its hands. “You already know me as well as I know myself, so you better call me Hob.”

They both smile.

[tryingtimi]

Author Questionnaire Tag Game

Thank you for the tag @tc-doherty, this is going to be fun <3 Apologies in advance because I tend to ramble about random stuff besides the answer when I get personal questions, so it might get long.

About Me

When did you start writing?

If we count the bad horror story we created with my cousin then since I was 6 years old, lol. On and off mostly, though I dreamed about being a writer when I was around 8 or 10, so around 2005. After that I kind of strayed to painting and drawing more, but got back to writing at the age of 16. Then a little gap again, and around 19 I took up writing again and never stopped since (just turned 27 this may, so a while now).

Are there genres/themes you enjoy reading different to the ones you write?

Literary fiction for sure. I wasn't the person who started reading very early, though my family is full of bookworms and always thought me weird when I said I don't like reading. Then, I found the perfect book (The Man With The Golden Touch, a hungarian classic we needed to read for school), read it in one sitting almost, and fell in love eventually. My teenage years books were satires and serious family dramas alongside the heaviest stuff that connected to real life and you could find it on the market. I just realised recently (when I finished a litfic book in two days again, after not reading any for years) that litfic is probably my go to, or palette cleanser if you will. But I wouldn't be able to write in it for the life of me. Otherwise I'm an omnivore genre-wise, reading what gives me inspo for current projects plus trying out every genre I haven't read yet.

Is there an author you want to emulate, or one to whom you're often compared?

Usually I would get compared to an author who's work I'm currently reading, because I'm too naturally absorbing style when I'm invested. Not always, but frequently enough. Once a friend said my writing is a bit Brandon Sanderson-like and that made me happy because he's one of my favourite authors and writing icons. (another gigantic praise would be telling me it reminds them of Fonda Lee’s writing hehe)

Can you tell me a little about your writing space?

It's literally anywhere, lol. I live in a very small space (two half rooms), so I have a small desk and an armchair (yes, not an office chair or anything, no it's not comfortable even though you'd think so) where I sometimes write. If I can steal my partner's gaming chair, I use that space, but most times I write on the bed, lying on my stomach and putting something under my chin to keep my head higher lmfao. Also going to cafés if I really can't focus at home or using our foldable bed when it's in sofa shape. Our space is always insanely dusty because of it’s size, so that annoys the hell out of me and makes me incapable of focusing on writing so I can't start working on anything at the desk before I cleaned it thoroughly.

What's your most effective way to muster up some muse?

Going through my pinterest boards. I have separate boards for could-be characters, weapons, items, places etc. But it's really rare that I need to find a muse or inspiration. If I can't write it's mostly because of burn out or irl stuff that take up my emotional and creative energy, not the lack of ideas, haha. That, I have way too many.

Did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and places you write about?

Yes, definitely. Even when I thought they didn't, I needed to realise they do, very much so. Since then, I try to do it consiously enough. I love realising stuff about real life people or our dynamics and whatnot throughout my writing. Plus learning about places, workings of our world help me build up mine coherently. And I’m a sucker for family dynamics so I put a lot of “Easter eggs” in it that was inspired by my family/ childhood.

Are there any recurring themes of your writing, and if so, do they surprise you at all?

Giving dead parents to the protagonists count as a theme? Because that is what I noticed once, and suprised me for sure. Since then, they get parents but then the whole story is more like a family drama than anything else. Plus emotionally distant/unavailable parents (especially mothers), finding your place in the world and found family are definitely topics that will appear in all my stories.

My Characters

Would you please tell me about your current favourite character?

Given that I'm neck deep in Project Sasin, my east asian-inspired urban fantasy mafia story, I could go with all of the main family members. They're all favourites, but if I really need to choose one, then it would be always Grey Fang, who is the head warrior woman of the clan, and the clan leader's right hand. She's a gigantic woman, a true amazon, bestest fighter of the clan, and great at managing the lower ranked warriors. She's blunt, confident, charistmatic and always have a harsh but helpful advice for the main kids. Most of the clan look up at her (not only because she's 190 cm), admire her skill and recite her achivements, and even the enemy clans whisper her name a bit warily. For the main kids though, she's also a fun aunt. As much as she is serious, and can be outright dangerous, she is easy to deal with if you're not acting too shy around her (she believes being shy is always either poor parenting, or a straight up act to gain something, therefore not honest and trustworthy), or breaking any tradition openly. As the clan, she is very fond of traditions and the way of life their ansestors have lived for hundreds of years, but she can be convinced that development is necessary, if someone is determined enough or a master at persuasion. Her first and foremost goal in life is to preserve the clan's good reputation, and prevent corruption or downfall – at all costs. Therefore she would break traditions, or go behind anyone's back if that would achieve it.

Which of your characters do you think you'd be friends with in real life?

Not many lol. Most characters I write are fun to work with and explore but mostly because I wouldn't even go near them irl. I think I would be on friends term with Kil, the main borther who wants to be like Fang, and maybe Yune who's a fairly anxious and talented healer with little confidence yet. Plus, Fang herself, obviously. But both Kil and Fang are extroverted like hell so they would adopt my introverted ass, which I don't kow if counts. I have other works where are some characters I could be truly friends with (Avelyn from Metalsea for example but she's a similar category like Yune). I could probabyl go to those lengths only with my fellow introverted characters whom are the MC's usually, but not the majority of the characters lol.

Which of your characters would you dislike most if you met them?

Every living mother, uh. It sounds horrible, but it's true. All the mothers who were likeable or fair at being mothers are dead in my stories. Plus most of the men too, maybe. I have a sci-fi story where the MC (Dane) is a scientist with a very ambitious but definitely arrogant and sharp tongue, whom I would probably hate if I met him. (Though it takes a lot for me to truly dislike or hate someone.)

Tell me more about the process of coming up with your characters.

I usually come up with one key visual trait for them lol. I kind of go backwards, because I first figure out how they look, and vaguely know why they look like that, then create their personality, their story, the world. My mind craves visualisation, therefore I revolve my characters' personalites around visible marks of their experiences.

Do you notice any recurring themes/traits among your characters?

What would be a recurring theme is that they’re emotionally closed up most of the time. There’s also hidden but constant anger inside them. Not many likes to talk about themselves and if something is too personal they just shut down and either go away, or stay silent until the conversation strays to somewhere else. There are also the very open, very easy but dangerous and madly loyal person too who is there for these previously mentioned ones. I also tend to give a dynamic to love intrests that is the "silent understanding" type. They just know each other enough, I guess.

How do you picture your characters?

Fairly clearly. I need visuals to keep working on my stories, so that's why I have so many stuff on my pinterest. Also sometimes I try to draw them, paint them, but I don't have the skill YET to completely bring them to life. But I will one day.

My Writing

What's your reason for writing?

I just love it. I can't picture myself not writing, and I also recently realised that how all my mental health and overall life improved since I accepted that this is what I need to and will always do.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating coming from your readers?

Look, I'm already owing you my life if you've read anything I've written. I'm very grateful and happy from that simple thing. Though, keysmashes and caps shouts are one of the bests, and if someone throws a little analysis or theory of why the character does, says what they did my way, then I'll propose them on the spot. That's a rare one, but a treasure for me for sure.

How do you want to be thought of by those who read your work?

I don't want to, lol. Please don't keep me on the same page as my work, because as much as my heart is in it, it's still my work, my baby, but not my life or personality. It has it's own value without me, and it should be.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Creating atmosphere and showing emotions. Since my ideas are very vague and mostly feelings during my process, I think these also intangible concepts I can thrive in. I can't tell you a city's political standing but I can tell you how it smells, tastes, sounds, how your dreams will change if you move there, how people swear and look at you, and how it feels to have a bad and a good day there.

What have you been frequently told by others is your greatest strength as a writer?

I got more than a few times now that I write fight scenes well, haha. They said it's exciting and well paced. I'm glad because I love them (big martial arts enthusiast here), but also friends said that I can create atmosphere well too. What stayed with me was when they said that they felt like they were at that place I wrote about.

How do you feel about your own writing?

Depending on the day. I'm my bigget critique too, as I imagine all of us, so when my mood is a bit low, I feel that it's gods awful. Sometimes it is, and that's okay. But most of the time (especially recently) I really like the results. I write what I want to read, after all.

If you were the last person on earth and knew your writing would never be read by another human, would you still write?

Without question. As I mentioned before, it's just something I'm not able to abandon. Probably because I'm bad at articulating my feelings and thoughts so writing is just essential for me to communicate, even if only with myself. Personally, though, without anyone reading it, it would be so much easier to be honest, lol.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely what you enjoy? if it’s a mix of the two, which holds the most influence?

Tricky question for a recovering-people-pleaser. Recovering because I grew a lot the last two years thanks to some bad but valuable experiences, so I was way worse earlier in my life. I got back to writing by writing fanfiction for a friend because she ran out of the stuff she liked, so I offered to create stories tailored especially for her taste. And as more people started reading my stories (because of course I shared them after a while), I tried to appease for the most enthusiastic readers to show my immense gratitude. External validation is a dangerous thing for me, so yes, if someone seems to enjoy my work very much, I will unintentionally go directions that they seem to enjoy. However, readers are readers, they are not entitled to finish a story or like it, so they disappear at some point (which is fine), so when there was no one left reading my stuff, I learnt to continue for myself instead. That's why I'm less and less online, or sharing specifics about my writing, because I want to write purely what I enjoy. Be a tiny bit more private with it. So now, I'd say I do that, but external validation is a bitch that will hold on to you with tooth and nail, so I will probably still go directions people enjoy if I get any input. But I'll manage it better, because now I can catch myself before I form a fully different story just for others.

Tagging @bloodlessheirbyjacques, @the-void-writes, @aninkwellofnectar, @dyrewrites, @aalinaaaaaa, @forthesanityofstorytellers, @bebewrites, @barbex, @circa-specturgia, @odysseywritings, @italiangothicwriteblr,

No pressure, though I love these questionnaires so would love to see anyone's and everyone's.

[kzele]

The Man Behind The Spider 5(?)

@hermesserpent-stuff and I did a back and forth convo. I was Peter and they were Tombstone. This is legit copy-pasted from our chat with their permission.

Tombstone: how much does the spider pay u?

Peter: What? That's. . .Look, it's really not about the money, alright?The Bugle pays me for Spider-man photos. That's it.

tombstone:hmmm

Peter: *not liking the sound of that* You have something to say? Not everyone is in it for the money, you know.

Tombstone: then why cover for him? Why do you make his gear, take his photos, and presumably do other things for a person who seems more of an endangerment to you and yours than any sort of benefit?

Peter: Because he's also saved me and mine a lot. Before either of us had anything to do with the Bugle, he saved Mr. Osborn from dying and Harry got to still have two parents. If I can help make sure that no one else has to get hurt, I will. Money or no money.

Tombstone: ah I see.

Peter: *raises a disbelieving eyebrow* You do?

Tombstone: somewhat. Blood loyalties are the hardest to break. Especially among good men. And I think you are a good man at heart Peter.

Peter: *flushes* I, uh, thank you? But I think just about anyone could do the same.

Tombstone: *shaking his head slowly* I can count on my hand the men who would rather fight and die for loyalty. The number that would turn against their own brother or anyone who's saved their sorry skin is akin to the number of stars in the sky.

Peter: You're getting pretty philosophical. Maybe you don't see many of them with your lifestyle, but they are there. It sucks you haven't been able find them around you, though.

Tombstone: Im not sure if your optimism is born of youth, foolishness, or is some inherit personal trait. And perhaps your right. But I've lived many lives with many faces. Trust that I might have picked up some wisdom along the way.

Peter: Don't see what's foolish about finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning. My aunt and uncle are *pause* and were good at finding a way of looking up, so it's definitely not an age thing. And besides, isn't the whole point of wisdom knowing you haven't experienced everything yet?

tombstone: *there is a note of delight in his smile* it seems you have had some very valuable teachers. And youre not incorrect. Wisdom relies on learned experience and seeing that you have not experienced all there is to learn. Though patterns tend to speak for themselves. as they say: history does not repeat itself. but it often rhymes.

Peter: *relaxes and smiles back a little* The best teachers. Makes learning from experience much more fun. Glad we're on the same page with something, then.

Tombstone: *immensely pleased* Indeed.

Peter: Sooo, where do we go from here? How are you going plan around me now? Since you decided not to threaten me and stuff.

Tombstone: *he lets out a hum of consideration* I think it would be unwise to tell you. You have the ear of my enemy after all. But rest assured, my network wont bother you. Unless strictly necessary.

Peter: *rolls eyes* That's all I wanted to know. I'm not dumb enough to think you'll just let me in on your detailed plans. But what exactly do you mean by *air quotes* strictly necessary?

Tombstone: I dont think Ill elaborate. I do believe you would find reason to be irritated with the guidelines I have in mind

Peter:. . .How do I know if I crossed a line then? *frowns* Also, how did you come across me at all today? I would have thought I was too far beneath you for you to notice me.

Tombstone: *sidestepping the first question* I make it a goal of mine to keep a thumb on the pulse of the underground. and you have entered one of her main arteries. Working for spiderman will gain you many eyes. Including mine

Peter: *narrow eyes* That's not an exact answer for my second question and you didn't even answer my first. Did you talk to someone I know about me and they told you where to find me?

Tombstone: So you wont turn on spider-man but you expect me to turn on my source of information? *teasing* For shame.

Peter: *crosses arms* When it concerns people I know, yes. It's not like I'm asking you for a list of underworld informants. Was it Jonah? I know he donates to your charities. Or what about Mr. Osborn? You two run into each other from time to time and catch up on rich people things?

Tombstone: What benefit does it give me to tell you who my informant is?

Peter: . . .Are you actually saying you want something in return for that info? You're the one who cornered me using someone I know as an informant.

Tombstone: *shaking hsi head slightly* no. I did not mean to imply that. Rather, that would end in a burnt bridge where i get no more information from that source for other things. Though the bridge may be burned anyways, given that we have spoken, despite their... reservations

Peter: *thinking it over* Not Jonah, then. He's totally bought into your public persona. Same with May. I can't see Captain Stacy being happy about giving you info but I can't see that being called a burnt bridge either, since you two don't hang. I'm not in contact with the Connors now since I was let go. Burnt bridge crosses out anyone my age, which leaves Mr. O?

Tombstone: *smiles with a little more teeth, definitely pleased* Oh, you are quite quick on your feet. Im not going to confirm or deny. But your logic is sound.

Peter: *sighs* I'm quick enough to know that's as close as I'm going to get to a yes.

[shyrose57]

Brothers anon and I actually was skipping through the official City of Mizu episode and realized I missed Skeppy as a idol. So if you follow Skeppy you get to learn about different kinds of gems and what they can be used for, get trained on proper safety when mining, what to look for and avoid when mining, and they also get to go on supply runs that specifically require mining, though not many people follow Skeppy because mining is dangerous. Also I missed Charles personality a good bit so ima change it to where he's still quite, reserved and anxious, but is adventurous, curious, dedicated to his interests, and when given the chance or talking about his interests he gets very excited and talks a lot. Like a excited puppy. 

1: People can get kicked out of a idol following for many reasons, like disrespecting the idol and their peers, claiming some of the history their learning is fake, attacking anyone in the city (like stabbing, they just get chastised for fist fights), and breaking multiple rules of the city. And some people don't choose a idol, though its highly unlikely as those who don't know what idol to pick tend to pick Tommy or Tubbo. Those who choose not to choose a idol, tend to only work in farming, as its a easy job to learn. Its for these people that the idol-less council member was added, the council member also represent other cities and kingdoms that do still acknowledge and trade with Mizu. Most houses are actually built out of the side, like how we saw the idol rooms in the official episode, and their kind of scattered about, theres some halls filled with homes, but some halls have no homes. The halls with the homes tend to be the biggest/widest halls of the city, as to allow for room for the families living there, and also because theres sometimes stores in this area. Some halls also have multiple levels to allow for more room, these specific halls are referred to as Residential Complex, and only house homes in their multiple levels. While halls that hold only a few homes arent called anything special. Because outside affairs are very complex, most kingdoms and cities ignore Mizu, treating them with disgust and some times, people who have done supply runs that go into cities have reported having higher prices on what they want to buy, and disrespect from all citizens and police. But some kingdoms and cities respect them and trade with them without any tricks. The councils main agurement in this situation is that, the nice city is very far away, a weeks travel, but the mean city is close, only a 2 day walk away. They agure about what to do and what city to travel too for all supply runs. And another agurement that the council often has is what to do with visitors, they had visitors in the past that had destroyed and stole items in Mizu while causing disruptions, but some also brought their own culture and items and happily exchanged said culture and items. So their conflicted on if visitors should be welcomed or turned away. 

3: He went through what Ranbob did, being held to high standards that he just couldn't meet. But unlike Ranbob, he spoke up about his problems and managed to get held to lesser standards and allowed time to recover. When he moved out he originally lived on his own in a forest, and because he was vulnerable to monsters he didn't know how to handle, he had to make many fast paced despite when cornered by monsters or when trying to save crops or his house. And since he was also the oldest child of a 6 child family, he had to constantly look after his siblings, giving him his father-like attitude and knowing how to help people in basically almost any situation. His siblings are (current ages) Nick-17, calm, information nerd, introverted and Benjamins favorite brother. Rock-10, a tiny gremlin that loved to mess with people, he often broke bones or broke items when playing due to his rough play style and broke rules, Benjamin was the only one who could calm him. Ion-16, a teen that is very adventurous and always wandering off, she always talked about traveling the world, the hardest one for Benjamin to keep track of. Stellar-13, in love with space, but other than that is a normal child, but she also has a fascination with monsters like enderman, often wondering where they come from, Benjamin doesnt have any strong opinions on her.  And finally, Juka-15, they are very invested in redstone, often experimenting on it and trying to make different things with it, often the stuff they make blows up, Benjamin admires Juka's persistence and love for redstone but also wishes they'd stop blowing up the damn kitchen. 

8: Totems do exist, their just so rare its not believed Techno managed to have and use one. So that part of the story got lost and left out over time. Pandoras vault has fallen, mostly because of a break out by Dream that destroyed most of it, and because it had fallen into disrepair. And they do have such advanced technology to make such a prison now, but they doubted the SMP had such technology and availability to do it in their time. And there is also a great lack of evidence (expect for the actual building, but even then people agure it was used for something else) supporting the existence of Pandoras Vault. 

Ran and Ranbob used to feel confused and hurt, not understanding why the world hated their home and why the world was so mean to them. Over time they learned why they where shunned, but still didn't completely understand. Eventually they grew used to it, and learned to avoid saying where they lived, unless they wanted to partake in a fight. They very very rarely say that they came from Mizu, as they had learned long ago from both classes and personal experience. But a few times it was revealed they lived in Mizu, they had to just endure it and move along, even though Ran really wanted to punch a fucker. They became friends when Charles went to him during the trip to the flower field, asking to join in on a game he was playing. Its a miracle the two didn't get a heart attack tbh.

10: He was not! Ranbob was too weak for Dream to access all of his powers. And Dreams constant hold of control and withholding food and all the essentials from him, made him even weaker. No one is aware of it, not even Ranbob. A mix of pissed, a weird sort of pride, and determination. The pride and determination is there because knowing Dream thinks that way of them, confirms that they're enough of a threat that Dream actually acknowledges them. And helps them believe that they could truly beat Dream if they tried. Though it also means Dream will try his damned best to kill them. 

13: Yeah he comes out on top, he still has some advantages over the others even without tatics, like his speed and he knows how to sneak around and use the area to his advantage pretty well. 

14: He seemed more finicky, more nervous and anxious. Constantly trying to seperate himself from the group when he tends to stay very close by. And more on edge/quick to snap at others.

 Ayy! Starting off with Skeppy and Charles, what a wonderful way to begin. How did Skeppy’s few followers mine? Were there mines under the sea floor? Did they travel out of Mizu to go find mines in the earth? 

1: Hm, interesting. The idol-less leader seems to have quite a bit on their shoulders, if they deal with all outside affairs. Were they specifically selected to learn their position? Since you said most of them farm, but all those politics and stuff seem kind of different from it. Does Ranbob remember any of the nice cities? Did either boy ever meet a former visitor that recognized them from back then?

3: Benjamin’s family sounds really cool. Does the gang ever get to meet them? If so, how do they get along with them?

8: Huh. Well, how about Woodland Mansions? What happened to those, to make totems so rare? So Pandora still stands today? Cool. Does the gang ever come across it? Where would it be located-or well, what areas would be around it? Is it used for anything else nowadays?

And that sucks. If this happens while the brothers are at odds with each other, do they still help each other out with it, since they’re being mocked about their home, or do they just ignore it, and such. How do their respective groups feel both about them being from Mizu, and how they’re treated for it, both before and after the two hauntings started to merge? Did it effect how they thought of them in anyway?

And that sounds cute. What game was it, and who won? 

10: Hmm. Was Dream aware he was causing Ranbob to become weaker, or was he that out of touch with human needs? Also, I think I remember way back then, you mentioned this part of Dream was the evil bits that survived his death.

What do you think would happen if they somehow managed to end up seeing the good parts, maybe with a similar artifact that Ranbob found in your supposed fluff?

13: Nice.

14: Oh, no. That’s not good.

[coffeedrivenfiction]

A/N: The pains of writing a one-shot... so many ideas come out of it that you gotta kill 'em quick before that one-shot becomes a 15-chapter journey with added epilogue.

The Fox and I

The boy wasn't even sure how he had come to be here... wherever here was. All he remembered was being chased by a group of angry villagers, a normal, daily custom, except this time... they seemed even more upset than normal. Lanes and byways passed by in a blur; his chest burned, the screams of the villagers had mashed together into a deafening roar—he didn't feel the pitchfork that speared him through the ankle, pinning him in place, until he had already jerked forward, crashing to the ground. Before the cry of pain could fully leave his mouth, sake bottles came raining down like a meteor shower... many of them missed, smashing into a sea of glittering grit over the road that nearly blinded the boy... then one shattered over his temple and sent him spiraling down a wave of darkness until he landed... here.

"Weeeirr—ouch..." He could a throbbing ache where that pitchfork had tore flesh and yet, looking down, he couldn't see not one mark. "That's... kinda odd... maybe here...?" Reaching up, he tenderly traced his prickling forehead for the gash that had to have been carved into his flesh. "My head hurts really bad but there's... there's nothing there," he muttered.

The gigantic fox before him, the one on the other side of those wrought iron bars, bars that looked both easily breakable yet capable of withstanding the test of time, kept an unusually stringent, wide-eyed leer aimed at the boy.

"You're bleeding rather profusely from the forehead out there in your domain."

The words that met the young boys' ears sounded diseased, festering with a madness dredged up from the darkest corners of the universe where no light had a prayer of reaching, where all manner of nightmares danced and gave birth to unspeakable horrors...

"How're you talking without moving your lips, Mr Fox?" the boy asked, craning his head back in a futile to hold the vast fox in his sights. He saw the furry face, it loomed out of the darkness in a way that bent his senses, and those terrifyingly wide, hunger-riddled eyes were trained on him. "Do you smoke? You sound like you smoke. If you do, you shouldn't," he said, wagging a scolding finger, "smoking's bad for—"

"I do not smoke," the fox rumbled.

A disturbingly thick, miasmic fog spilled out through the bars holding this fox, a fog that covered the ground, and the little boy lifted a foot, partly surprised to find it soaking wet.

"Did you pee back there?" he asked, confused. "'Cause there's a looootta water around here, and it's really warm and—"

The sudden gust of wind that nearly knocked the boy of his feet didn't distract him from the paralyzingly huge claw that tried to gut him like a fish before being caught between the bars. The low metallic twannnng that followed nearly burst his eardrums; the water around his ankles shivered and splashed—

"Figured, but worth the try. ...Well done, Minato."

The little boy grinned, then reached out a hand. "That's not my name, but good guess, Mr. Fox! My name's actually Naruto, what's yours?" he asked brightly, trying to shake the gigantic claw before him.

The effort was futile, Naruto couldn't even get his fingers around it, but the claw did move up and down slightly, enough to widen the smile on the blonde's face.

"My name is Kurama," the fox growled pleasantly, though the eyes staring down its snout at the small child still radiated with deadly intent. "Do you need my help?"

When the words hit Naruto's ears, and after he flinched again like he was struck by the vibration alone, he glanced up at the fiery eyes glaring down at him. "Do I... need your help...?" The smile that split his lips was genuine. "No, I think I'm doing okay, Mr. Kurama."

For the first time, the fox blinked, upsetting the young boy's footing through force alone. He stumbled back, nearly tripping, but caught himself before he fell over. "You could very well die within the next ten minutes... and you claim you do not need my help?"

Naruto nodded, merrily splashing through the water back up to the incomprehensibly big claw jutting through the bars. "I'm good now!" It was the kind of happiness only a child could exhibit, a happiness that didn't know of the horrors the world had in store for them as they aged.

To the fox, to Kurama, none of the little boy's words made sense. "Why are you okay?"

"Because I'm gonna die," Naruto answered blithely.

Nonplussed, Kurama wiggled its protruding claw. "And why is that a good thing? Should you not strive to live? You are young; your kind tend to live several decades."

Answering Kurama's question wasn't very high on the list for Naruto, who seemed far more enamored in the claw before him, watching it bounce up and down in time with his shakes. He had always dreamed of something like this... having a place where he could be by himself, that was safe. And while this long, sewer-like corridor with the giant fox at the end wasn't exactly like how he had planned, it was miles better than where he had come from.

"It's good 'cause I heard that once you die, you don't feel any pain... that's what the villagers keep telling me, and it must be true 'cause I don't feel anything right now!" Naruto nodded vehemently, furrowing his brow and caressing the spot on his head where he had been struck. "Whenever I get hit, there's lots of blood—"

"Yes, I know."

"—but right now, look... see?" He extended his hand palm up toward the bars. "There's nothing there." Naruto smiled. "It must mean I'm dying, which is great."

In a motion that caused the wind to swirl about threateningly, Kurama lowered his monolithic head, skating his chin over the water-logged floor. Those haunting eyes fixed themselves upon Naruto, who waved with the hand that wasn't still shaking Kurama's claw.

"It is not great," Kurama breathed.

Quirking an eyebrow, Naruto started stamping around in the water, send droplets flying in all directions. "I'm here," he said, pointing down, "and not there." He pointed back down the darkened corridor, toward where he knew led back to Konoha... back into the hands of those who hated him. "That's... here's gotta be better, right?" He looked up into Kurama's furry face, and could feel his own beginning to scrunch up. "Any... anywhere's g-gotta be better..."

Instead of answering, Kurama softly exhaled a gust of wind from his snout that ruffled the boy's clothes, if the three-sizes-too-big shirt with the blood stain and the extra baggy, extra frayed pants could be considered clothes. When the child laughed, it wasn't Kurama's first time hearing it, but it was his first time listening it, actually taking note of the voice that came out of the boy's mouth.

"If you were to die, then those monsters wrapped in human flesh win."

Pausing in the act of hitching up his pants, Naruto blinked, turning his head up at the fox. "They... win? Win what? I didn't know we were playing a game," he said, tying the drawstrings together with a sloppy knot that would no doubt come undone in the next five minutes. "Is it supposed to be painful...? Do I have to play?" There was a note of pleading in Naruto's voice as he returned attention to the eldritch fox. "Can't I just—I wouldn't mind if they won... I don't wanna play their stupid game anyway!"

"It's not something you have a choice in, I'm afraid," Kurama rumbled, watching as the little blonde's face fell. "Your domain is out there, among them—"

"WHY?" Naruto exploded, sounding for the first time upset. "Why do I gotta be out there with them? They don't even like me!"

"And why don't they like you?" Kurama wondered.

"I dunno!" Naruto shrugged, sounding truly lost. "I haven't done anything! I don't… at least I don't think so! I don't know their names, b-but they know mine, so… I thought they were friends, that they wanted to be friends but…."

"You will come to learn very quickly that everyone who knows your name, they do not wish to have anything to do with you," Kurama told him, and when Naruto stared up at him, confusion prominent amidst the pain resonating in his face, the fox went on, "You are very special—"

Naruto's eyes sparkled. "I am?"

"—and things that are special, they often garner fear, misunderstanding… distrust. The people of your village realize this, they know what you are, and that frightens them." A hard gust of wind blew from Kurama's nostrils, powerful enough to almost send the little boy flying. "They fear that one day you will grow out of their control, beyond their grasp... and you know what? They have every right to fear. What you are, not a soul breathing in that village can even fathom."

Kurama could almost see the gears turning in Naruto's head, struggling to make sense of the ethereal words bouncing around the corridor.

Then the blonde looked up. "But… what am I?"

And there it was… the question that Kurama had been waiting to hear since the young one's appearance, the question that caused the most sinister smile to peel through the great fox's lips.

"You are me."

Naruto stared, then broke out into laughter. "I'm not you, silly… you're a fox!"

"No, little kitten…" Kurama inched his head closer, so close that his snout poked through the rusted bars and right up against Naruto's chest. "We are one."

The End

[classicslesbianopinions]

well first of all, i don't think i, a grumpy semi-popular classics blogger, am going to stop anyone from having whatever kind of fun they want. the people who don't agree will just block and that's fine.

but to answer your question, engaging with the myths from a fandom perspective tends to lead to people treating the myths like they're a monolith, like there's a specific "canon" that you can transform or not. which isn't true. the greek myths were orally transmitted-- there are a million different versions of every myth, even when only one has made it to us. and they were religious in nature, not just random fiction. fandom is also a relatively modern construct-- it can't really be applied to the greeks and romans the same way it can be applied to us.

additionally, fandom culture often leads to a focus on the characters, and specifically wanting things to turn out all right for the characters or wanting to "fix" some part of the narrative. as an active fanfiction writer, i support and engage in this to an extent and with certain media, but i also don't think this mindset is healthy when it's the only mindset you use to engage with media or when applied to certain stories, including greek myths. this is why i made my other post about the fucked up parts of greek myth being a feature, not a bug-- in a lot of myths, the narrative cannot be "fixed" without taking away the core of the myth, and reading them through the lens of fandom often involves sanitizing the myth in some way.

also i don't know that scholars are documenting modernizations but there are definitely people for whom all they know about myth comes from modernizations. so like... that's relevant.

and for the record everything i'm saying here is based in my own experience as a longtime participant in fandom and someone whose perspective on the matter has changed over time as i've aged, learned more, and developed a greater understanding of myth and media literacy. i used to approach myth from a fandom-adjacent lens (honestly, you can probably find posts on this blog that do that if you go back far enough, we started posting on this blog when i was like 18), and i have realized since then that i get a much deeper and more engaging read when i approach it on its own terms rather than mine.

and to be clear, this is NOT an argument against adaptation. i love adaptation. but the most successful adaptations come from trying to understand the myth for what it is before using it to tell a new story. and of course fandom can be part of that, but i do not believe present-day fan culture is conducive to that type of adaptation.

we need to stop the fandomification of greek myth. we need to

[broke-ass-twat]

Can I have all the numbers for all the things?

First of all, I’d like to say that you are dead to me and that I hope thy end is with the end of the universe. I hope that you ] watch as all of creation fades from being and all of your friends and family are dead and gone so long beforehand that their existence means nothing to something as eternal as you. All is empty and nothing matters. Slowly, as everything collapses, you welcome the release of not existing at all only to learn that you are all that is.

On to the questions! I’m somewhat tipsy so this should be interesting

1.First kiss?

I suppose the first kiss I had was on a dare so some random dude I don’t give a shit about. Actual first kiss would be with my first partner and it was rather nice as we had just started dating that day and they asked if we could kiss then immediately after that we made out. I’ve gotten sorta better at it since then but I guess being taught that is just sort of how I kiss now. A lot of fun that was.

2. First time masturbating?

I think my first time was in about 5th grade. Details here are unneeded but were milf-y in nature.

3. First sex toy?

Never had a sex toy. Hands work well enough

4. First kink tried?

Ummm. I don’t think I’ve tried anything particularly kinky although I have been sort of dom or sub at points.

5. First time doing oral?

With my first partner. When I was like 18 or something. Good experience all around. Still sort of curious about their thoughts on it though I can’t imagine it was mind-blowing.

6. First time having sex?

Same as above

Turn Ons

1. Biggest turn on?

The person being into what I’m doing. So basically validation that I’m good at what I’m doing but genuine and not just to appease me.

2. Biggest turn off?

Opposite of the above. Also probably a lack of effort on their part. I don’t wanna do everything.

3. Quickest way to get horny?

…..

Surprise me in a good way

4. Weirdest thing that ever turned you on?

Watercolor paintings that were just really well done

5. Top 3 places to be touched?

Umm. This is like tmi even for me. I’ll leave it out at just make out with me really nicely. Passionately but not urgently. Nice and slowly.

6. Ultimate fantasy?

Don’t have one in mind.

7. Do you like the idea of a three or moresome?

Not particularly. If I were intoxicated I’d be more open to the idea

8. Do you send nudes? Do you like receiving them?

I do send nudes and I really like receiving them especially if I’m not expecting it.

Preferences

1. Sex or masturbation?

Sex by far. Up until recently i’d say masturbation but the feel of comfy sex and the dynamic of another person is so much more fun. At times I’d say about even however. It depends. Sex is preferable however.

2. Spit or swallow?

I have like no opinion on this as I do neither. 

3. Cut or uncut dicks?

Aesthetically cut

4. Rough or sensual sex?

Sensual. Its much more fun when sex is occasionally rough. But normally I prefer sensual.

5. Oldest person you’d sleep with?

About a year older than me. I thought it’d meant oldest person I’d slept with but I’d probably sleep with someone up to like a decade older than me.

6. Loud or quiet partners?

I do like loud but quiet is fine as well. I just like to know when I’m doing something right.

7. How much foreplay do you like?

A decent amount but not a huge amount. I dunno. It depends on the partner.

8. How much teasing do you like?

I’m rather impatient so I don’t per se like too much teasing but in doses it can be nice.

9. What is too big for you to take?

I don’t take anything sooooo… 0 inches? Experimentation would probably have a prerequisite amount of alcohol.

10. Do you do hookups or only sleep with a partner?

I can hook up with a partner although I’d say that’s more rare than standard

11. How much kissing do you like during sex?

Honestly a hard question. I really really like intimacy but that can be sacrificed if something feels really good or is really hot. So it depends on the situation.

12. What’s the most attractive part of the body?

That’s highly variable but I’d tend to say the face.

Location

1. Favourite place to have sex?

In a bed.

2. Would you have sex in public?

Yah probably. Already have.

3. Last place you had sex?

In a bed

4. Where would you most like to have sex?

Still in a bed. I suppose a really nice rooftop would be a lot of fun.

5. Do you like spontaneous sex, or do you need to be in the mood?

Spontaneous sex is really fun sex. It doesn’t take too much to get me in the mood

6. Could you go through with a hookup at a strangers house?

Yah I probably could. I mean if I’m having sex with them chances are I have a rather good opinion of the person and know them to some extent. I think I’d have to be pretty drunk to just sleep with someone out of nowhere.

I just fucking stopped caring about formatting and might fix it later.

Kinks

What’s your biggest kink?

I don’t really have specific kinks. More like I have vague ideas of them and don’t care enough or feel comfortable enough to say them.

What’s your limit?

I don’t like pain that much

Are you okay with name calling in bed?

Name calling is alright I guess?

Would you do any BDSM?

Yah. I can do some light domination or be a sub but with just domination not pain.

Do you prefer to tie somebody up or be tied up?

Either. i don’t think I have a preference

Favourite type of bondage?

Don’t have one

Do you like orgasm denial/forced orgasm?

I think I would.

Do you like overstimulation?

Sort of. It’s a little much sometimes.

Do you like having pain involved?

No

Do you like biting/being bitten?

Lightly

Have you ever been made to/made somebody beg for it?

I’ve sort of made someone beg for it and that was a lot of fun. I think its fun in doses but if it was regular it might make it less interesting

Do you have any strange or extreme kinks?

No I don't 

Have any roleplaying preferences?

Nope

Send a kink with this number. Do you have that kink?

What? Also I really have to say tumblr has some incredibly shit formatting and it really bothers the fuck out of me.

Masturbation

Do you own sex toys? How many?

No.

Favourite Sex Toy?

Don’t have one

What do you masturbate to?

Porn.

How often do you masturbate?

Probably at least once a day

How often do you use sex toys to masturbate?

I dont

Do you masturbate with penetration?

No

Do you go for multiple rounds or settle at one or no orgasms?

When i’m having sex I can go for up to 3 rounds. Masturbation generally ends at one. with a protocolary session.

Oral

Do you enjoy giving oral?

Sort of.

Do you prefer giving or receiving oral?

I think I like receiving more.

What makes you orgasm the fastest when receiving oral?

I have never orgasmed from oral

Do you have a preferred technique for giving oral?

Licking out the ABCs has worked pretty well. I like also licking out circles or just aggressively up and down. Thats sort of the extent of my oral tbh. i do have some variation

Can you deep throat?

I don’t think so

For people with dicks…

How long and how thick is it?

Above average length and thickness. About 6 inches and magnums work better cuz of a lil above average thickness

Do you do anal? Top or bottom?

I do not.

Are you circumcised?

yes

Do you like your balls being played with?

Lightly yeah

Do you enjoy prostate stimulation? Ever came from it?

Have not had it done

Where do you like to finish?

Inside if I can honestly. Otherwise just outside.

Sex

Favourite position?

Missionary or cowgirl.

How often do you do unprotected sex?

Like most of the time at this point

How loud are you in bed?

Not very

Do you enjoy having nipples played with?

Yeah

Do you like/dislike/love/hate cum?

I mean its always mine so pretty indifferent

How good are you at dirty talk?

Mediocre if I had to guess

Do you get sleepy after an orgasm?

Sometimes

Other

Do you like wearing/seeing people in lingerie?

Yes

Do you masturbate or have sex with clothes on?

Occasionally

What’s your favourite style of underwear?

Lacey

Are stockings/thigh highs a turn on?

Yes

Ever had somebody say no to a kink you suggested trying?

Nope

Do you trim, shave or leave pubic hair untouched? How do you prefer partners?

I trim. I prefer partners trimmed or shaved

How many orgasms can you have in a day?

Like 4 or so within a short period

How many other people know your dick/bra size?

Like 3 or so I’d say

What do you wear to bed?

Just underwear or nothing. Occasionally pajamas

Do you eat ass? Do you like having your ass eaten?

i’d eat ass and have never had my ass eaten

Try to describe how orgasm feels for you.

A little tingly and my mind goes a little blank for a bit.

Have you ever been to a strip club? How was it? If not, would you?

I have not and I would although I’m unsure how much I would enjoy it

Fun questions!

Do you name your genitalia?

No

What would be your stripper name?

I would never be a stripper

Any funny sex stories?

Not really

What food if any would you use during sex?

Whupped cream or honey 

Would you give somebody a sex toy as a gift?

Yes

What’s the weirdest porn you’ve ever seen?

Umm. Probably extreme anal insertion

Do you often get horny in public?

No not really

Ever used something that isn’t made for sex in the bedroom?

I don’t believe I have

Have you ever walked in on somebody or been walked in on?

Nope

Do you have any friends you’d sleep with?

Probably all of the ones that are female that I have. Unless i find them unattractive which I don’t think has happened yet

Some real creepy shit, get your fix.

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

I would certainly hope my girlfriend meant it

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

Yes considering that I’m only 20. I’d obviously have to find them mature enough

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

With an essay that a teacher graded where I didn’t like the grade but agreed with the commentary and was happy about it. The grade made sense with the commentary although I wanted more.

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Rarely

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

I suppose frustrated or aggravated probably.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Nothing at the current moment

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

I am wearing a grey Tulane sweatshirt, navy hanes boxers, and black speckled sort of shorts with gold zipper pockets

8. How often do you listen to music?

Fucking often

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Jeans for sure

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

This post must be dated as fuck

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

More antisocial just out of mild social anxiety

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

I have not

13. What about ‘R’?

Also have not

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

I straight up can’t drive

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

I’m sort of vain so yeah

16. Are you going out of town soon?

In about a week

17. When was the last time you cried?

I think its been a week or two

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

Yes

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

Probably not but green or a stormy color would be cool

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

Nah not really

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

Well i’ve technically started this day tipsy sooooo… Not the healthiest way to start a day

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

It would really depend on the guy

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

Nope

24. What are you sitting on right now?

A fucking chair

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Yes

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yeah

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

Um. My room mate

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Not particularly

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

I’m not wearing a shirt. I’m wearing a sweatshirt and thats from my university’s website

30. Does anyone hate you?

Probably but I also don’t care about them

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

I thankfully do not.

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

Not really honestly. With other people more so

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

No

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

None of them

35. Did you have a dream last night?

Probably

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Yesterday

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Perhaps

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I know someone has feelings for me and I know of at least two other people that did

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Maybe my room mate but probably not

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

I think so

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

Why yes I was

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

Yes

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Probably

44. What’s the best part about school?

The people

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

I have very few but I do.

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

No

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

Annoyingly often

48. Were you single over the last summer?

Nope

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

Sort of

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

An essay

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

No

52. Are you nice to everyone?

No

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

I think so

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Definitely wtf

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Pretty decent

56. Do you think you like someone?

I know I do

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

I have

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

Girls. I just find them more attractive and easier to talk to in general

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Yeah

60. Do you hate anyone?

Yes

61. How’s your heart?

Physically and emotionally fine I think 

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

Probably

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

As a result of a guy but not over one

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

Don’t know don’t care really

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

No

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

Most certainly not

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

Depends on what and how often I’d say

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

Thankfully not

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

My stepfather

70. How do you look right now?

Probably fine

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

I think so

72. Can you commit to one person?

Yes

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Yes

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

No. I have felt sort of used or abandoned though

75. Did you wake up cranky?

I certainly have

76. Are you a jealous person?

Not particularly

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

Definitely

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

Yeah

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Yeah

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Write a pretty lengthy essay

81. Last person you cried in front of?

My roommate’s girlfriend

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

Probably

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

Yes

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

We’d prolly be cuddling

85. Are you over your past?

No I don’t believe I am although I hope I can eventually be

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

Hell yeah

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

No I thik not but it’s a possibility

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

No as we both have different things we’re doing right now and different focuses and obligations

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

Yes

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

I don’t think so

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

Probably

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

Yes

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

No

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

I was not

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

Yes

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

They’re cute

97. Who do you have texts from?

A bunch of people

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

Have fun with that. I’d be pretty fucking sad though

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

Myself

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

I don’t believe so

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

Yes

[nameasart-blog]

INTERWIEW WITH DANILO SANTINELLI

(spelling saved)

- How old are you, where do you live and do you have an art education?

- I am fifty years old, I live in Jesi, a small town in central Italy. I have been drawing since the age of five, I was a teenager and I attended in the State Art Institute of Ancona, the capital of the region in which I live. Later I graduated in Visual Arts at DAMS in Bologna

- What do you think about academic drawing school?

- The school of academic drawing is an excellent gym, where you learn to handle some necessary tools, but it is important that it does not turn into a cage, the risk of turning into virtuous without expressiveness and language is always high. The technique must be at the service of the expression and the construction of its own pictorial language.

- What inspires you?

- My pictorial research is centred on the expression of time, generally I take my cue from banal episodes of my everyday life: they can be roads that I usually travel or even moments of family life.

More recently, in the series entitled "Dissolution", I paint portraits of people I know, friends or students, or of famous people, writers, painters, scientists, politicians, etc., always placing behind them streets. So the road becomes a metaphor of the meaning I want the subject to assume portrait. The road, after all, I think is an excellent metaphor for life, we follow a road as we walk through life, we do not know where it will take us or what it will bring us together, but certainly we are In an artistic journey I believe that the most difficult thing is, using a metaphor, not to lose the way. Do not be tempted by the easy and short ways, if it happens, the research disappears and is produced for the market and in that case you can only make paintings insignificant and ugly. To a lot of art, since the eighties of the last century, this has happened, it has become a phenomenon and a product of the market totally unrelated to the purposes of research.

- Do you have a hobby besides creative activity?

- I like to read and study, but it is not a hobby, I consider study an integral part of my pictorial research without which I could not progress or express myself. I spend my free time with my children and my partner.

- How does your family relate to your creativity?

- My children have always seen me paint or draw or teach things about images, so I think it's normal for them. I'm a normal father who does this instead of doing anything else. My partner has known me for so many years that I think it's normal for her too, it's something that is part of me. Of course it can often have been difficult for her, she has always been with me, in difficult times and in good ones and I can only thank her for her patience and perseverance.Mine is just a normal family life, at least that's what it seems to me.

- What was the most difficult in your profession?

- A question that is difficult to answer, I must first of all ask myself if the success of a work of mine is to be referred to the public or to myself, to the path within my pictorial research. Generally I tend to consider, out of unconsciousness, only this second aspect

- In the countries of the former Soviet Union, there is an opinion that the artist should be hungry, how do you feel about this?

- I'm mainly hungry for curiosity, I can't stand still and I need to discover new things that I don't know, I need to see what I already know from another point of view. The Russian opinion that you mentioned, I imagine, is due to the difficulties experienced by different artists during their career, episodes more related to aspects of their pictorial research that tended to detach themselves from the taste and fashion of the times to which they belonged.The last period of Rembrandt's or Goya's life is a clear example of this. For this reason, they are all the greater, especially when compared to the softness of so much of today's painting, designed more for the market and its needs, than as research processes in relation to the development of society.

- What would you like to achieve next?

- The objective on which I am working in this period is actually an aspect on which I have been working for some time, I think about the end of 2012, when I started looking for and archiving a whole series of painters around the world who do things similar to mine.

So I tried to trace the historical and pictorial roots and social reasons. In short, to give a historical reconstruction that I carry on in my blog and that I consider an intrinsic aspect of my own pictorial research. It would be wonderful to be able to bring them together in a single exhibition, but it is an idea that I don't know if it can be realized.

- Your most successful work, in your opinion?

- The aspects that give me the greatest satisfaction are the esteem of painters that I consider "great" painters, or the esteem of ordinary people who have nothing to gain from my work, but who still feel the need to write to me, communicate their feelings about my paintings. This is the most interesting thing, the fact that one of your works has induced someone to talk about it.

Of course, public recognition is also a pleasure: the prize received, participation in important exhibitions, the mention by a person in charge of the work, but, as if to say, the person who writes to you or says something about your work because he felt the need, seems to me a more valuable gift. But, as already said, I tend to be unconscious.

- What are your favorite artists?

- I have so many favorite artists, I'll just say a few: Leonardo, Titian, Tintoretto, Caravaggio, Rembrandt, Giuseppe Maria Crespi, Salvator Rosa, Füsli, Guardi, Goya, Géricault, Constable, Turner, Bonnard, Munch, Schiele (especially the landscapes), Kirchner, Giacometti, Bacon, Diebenkorn, Ajmone, Cremonini, Morbelli, Boccioni (even the pre-futurist works), Ernst, Fautrier, it is impossible to list them all, past and recent, even living, even living. I have written about many of these painters in my blog, highlighting above all the different use of the pictorial matter and trying to explain the reasons, reconstructing an uninterrupted path that reaches up to the present day.

Danilo Santinelli "The streets of Istanbul 2012"

Danilo Santinelli "Breakfast at sea" 2012

- The objective on which I am working in this period is actually an aspect on which I have been working for some time, I think about the end of 2012, when I started looking for and archiving a whole series of painters around the world who do things similar to mine.

So I tried to trace the historical and pictorial roots and social reasons. In short, to give a historical reconstruction that I carry on in my blog and that I consider an intrinsic aspect of my own pictorial research. It would be wonderful to be able to bring them together in a single exhibition, but it is an idea that I don't know if it can be realized.

- Your most successful work, in your opinion?

- The aspects that give me the greatest satisfaction are the esteem of painters that I consider "great" painters, or the esteem of ordinary people who have nothing to gain from my work, but who still feel the need to write to me, communicate their feelings about my paintings. This is the most interesting thing, the fact that one of your works has induced someone to talk about it.

Of course, public recognition is also a pleasure: the prize received, participation in important exhibitions, the mention by a person in charge of the work, but, as if to say, the person who writes to you or says something about your work because he felt the need, seems to me a more valuable gift. But, as already said, I tend to be unconscious.

- What are your favorite artists?

- I have so many favorite artists, I'll just say a few: Leonardo, Titian, Tintoretto, Caravaggio, Rembrandt, Giuseppe Maria Crespi, Salvator Rosa, Füsli, Guardi, Goya, Géricault, Constable, Turner, Bonnard, Munch, Schiele (especially the landscapes), Kirchner, Giacometti, Bacon, Diebenkorn, Ajmone, Cremonini, Morbelli, Boccioni (even the pre-futurist works), Ernst, Fautrier, it is impossible to list them all, past and recent, even living, even living. I have written about many of these painters in my blog, highlighting above all the different use of the pictorial matter and trying to explain the reasons, reconstructing an uninterrupted path that reaches up to the present day.

Artist's page and our page in the instagram

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

I ask your age because your musical taste hasn't grown since 2006 while others have expanded their horizons. Plus your tattoos come from an era where graphic design wasn't popular and thus lack detail and substance. And finally you don't post your age in your about me or selfies. All these things lead me to believe you are older and self conscious but conceited in your tastes.

I started getting tattoos when I was 20. And I never stopped. I’m not sure how many of them you think you have seen but I doubt that you seen them all because I have yet to post nudes. I do post selfies for those who ask. I’m also a teacher, so I don’t do it often because I’m paranoid about losing my job. I got 2 tattoos this summer, a bouquet of flowers and a sugar skull based on Deuce’s masks, my apologies of those don’t live up to your standards of graphic design. The majority of them are sXe related so unless you are currently straightedge, you have no right to judge them.   And anyway, it’s not your body to behold, it’s mine and as long as there are people like you out there I will continue to be cautious who I show it to.

Lana Del Rey, HU and Deuce have all released albums after 2006 that I adore. I also listen to rise against, Metallica, Placebo, The Black Keys, NiN, Wilco, The Wonder Years (that I didn’t even discover unit 2015), The Ramones, 5FDP, the Clash, Rollins Band, Social D,  Tove Lo, Disturbed, Ghost BC, Deftones,  the Offspring, Queensryche, U2 and Duran Duran, so I’m sorry you find my musical tastes stagnant and limited.   Thanks to Deuce and Truth I am listening to and really and truly enjoying rap and hip hop for the first time ever, and I’m still digging on alt country stuff like Jack Ingram, Robert Earl Keen, Joe Ely, Will Sexton and Charlie Robison    Tell me EXACTLY where you get the notion that I am conceited about my musical tastes b/c I have never stated that my tastes are any better than anyone else’s.  They are mine and they make me happy,  so what business is it of yours?

Yes, I am incredibly self conscious, but it comes from years of being abused and only being told I was pretty when my husband wanted something or was about to steal something from me. 

My instinct tells me I know you or did at one time and you asking my name was confirming for you whether or not I was who you suspected.  If you are from my past and not currently involved in my present, it means we likely did horrible things to each other and I will apologize now for my part in them but you likely knew full well how fucked up I was when you friended me.

It’s telling that you mention 2006 so specifically.  I had A LOT  of friends in 2006.  I was going through so much abuse at home and was so desperate for any kind of attention, love and affection I would be friends with anyone.  I had my friends from fandomination, I had my AFI friends, my MCR friends, my mall friends—the mall friends alone from the 10 years I was there added up to almost 300 and that’s just the ones whose names I could remember.    Because I was so fucked up I tended to choose people just as fucked up as me and that made many friendships self destruct after 3 years or so.  But know that if you were my friend back then I loved your more than I loved my own fucking life and you were likely a reason I did not kill myself during those years. 

 If you have any more critiques about my appearance or the things that make me happy (my taste in music, my tattoos), please keep them to yourself. 

I’m sure there is someone else on this website you can turn your hateful, vulture eyes on and pick apart bit by bit.  Go vivisect and analyze someone else.  It took me almost 8 years to let go of the past, maybe you should too.

[cyberpunkmia]

# 002 . ] When The Party's Over

There's always been this sad feeling to the end of a night alive. You would think it'd end the same way it began the next morning you wake up, but the feeling is far from it, actually. You would think I'd enjoy speaking of it, but the conclusion becomes heart wrenching. It's the truth, after all. As humans we tend to chase after the feeling of being alive, feeling something, anything at that. As we grow older, we seek that in the sensation of feeling numb to the pain that's chased us since the beginning to our lives on this earth. It's not our fault, but feeling low can have its own consequences. We'd rather drink the night away, smoke until there's not a single trace left. The natural instinct is to bury what buried us. Really, there is no end to the obstacles in this life; but we make the most of it. We make our failures, our downs, and our mistakes something beautiful, something unbreakable. It's a strength within, it never stops getting stronger through time. Perhaps time may be the killer, but we revive ourselves through our very own battle scars of our youth. Like throwing fine china at the barren wall to disperse anger, like listening to an angrily punk rock tune in order to get rid of anger within a different breed, we rage against the dying of our light. There's strength in it, refusing to cave.

At the time when partying became something of a two week rebound was around the age of eighteen, going on to nineteen. At the same time as well, I remained faithful to someone I knew I loved deeply. Supposedly, as a woman if you'd go out dressed beautifully in hopes of a magical night, it'd be distasteful. Though arguably, intent means everything. You hold onto your sole intentions, and that's how you levitate about a neon lit room. Anyone who wishes to jeopardize that doesn't know their place, and fails to see yours. There's nothing wrong with it though, souls don't align the same all the time. It's the variety of things we've been through, our stories that differ. Thus being what's at fault, bad timing. That wouldn't be the stop to fighting for mine; my very own story. Like an A24 movie, or an edgy episode short on a Norwegian coming of age tv show, I felt I deserved the right to live it, experience a setting like so. It was for experience with friends, yet at the same time it was also the smell of a perfectly rolled blunt silently calling out to my deadbeat conscience.

Truth be told though, loving wasn't easy at the time, but what was worse was that I was in love deeply. We fight for love, wherever we can find it, because without it, we are ghosts. Similar to fighting for a love that has had one too many blows from an entity of lost hope, no. Loving was never made easy. It makes us feel alive though, and maybe that's what we always tend to chase after. Life. Maybe love inspired me to chase after life, after all. The moments that gave me reason. Anxiety had been what made me afraid to approach the spontaneous moments in life, and strength came from my hope in love. So maybe the man I loved did make me stronger, highlighted and bold-ed me like a statement. Because when the party's over, it'll be my faith in love that saves me from an empty morning. The statement that is me, expands with no end in the depths of glowing brown irises, and a tongue that speaks the same language of love. At a party, the nostalgic feeling never really tends to last, in exchange is the feeling of freedom ultimately, though. The shackles of this life can feel like four walls threatening claustrophobia, and the urge to prowl and rigorously shake this feeling off strengthens. We drink until our eyes will hang low, until the room sways to the beat of the bass. We'll smoke until clouds fill our atmosphere. It all begins with an endeavor, a lust for life. Bring it with you on a night out, and in my opinion you're all set.

There are different endeavors of course, are you searching for love? Or just the feeling of it? Maybe it isn't love you're looking for, maybe it's a drink you unfortunately can't have because you aren't of legal age yet. At the age of nineteen, I came to accept the fact I've found love completely, the endeavor's purpose wasn't to feel love at a party; it was to numb the painful memories that were brought onto me by luck that went rotten, the pieces of glass that threatened to burn out love in my life. There comes rage again, the urge that rolls in. Violence? Never. Beauty in rage is the fact that it can be radiated abundantly through art, through literature, through beautiful photos, most importantly through emotion whether it be newfound, or emotions that has become everlasting. Rage for positivity, for the beautiful moments in life. It's a constant battle, fortunately. If it's an ego you tend to, watch out in all honesty. Dangerous waters, it is you really paddle. As Kendrick Lamar preaches in an iconic track, staying humble in a setting that can sometimes be a shark tank is vitality, so cling onto it until dawn calls.

In the midst, you're in the matrix, dodging temptation back and forth. It's what I ended up doing every time, clinging onto faith, clinging onto love. Intentions I simply had were to dance, to feel excitement. The doldrums of an everyday routine can definitely wear your soul out, so to keep the light lit is what's got to be done. Anyone who falsely accuses me of any intention besides the purest simply doesn't deserve the energy I give. Another obstacle often battled is the fight for happiness itself, yet every time it's washed away we crave for it more- we yearn for it. Partying can manifest itself into a cycle that way, yet I can say for myself that this place never felt like home to me for that reason. Having the highest high be taken away from you in exchange for the daylight repeatedly is sheer robbery, a crime unassigned. The consequence of living through the night is the way people perceive you sober, thus manifesting the temptation to rage and feel alive yet again.

Later on, I realized the night life wasn't for me after all, because of the mess that's brought upon from wanting to fulfill the similar feeling to slammed fine china, or screaming at the top of my lungs. Though at the same time, I'll remember these experiences for life, and I'll smile at my youth the way youth intends to simper as well. We're better in solace, not in rage. I no longer drink heavy liquor the same in present day, so I see the difference of how I perceive emotions that whelm me. It all really depends, I can feel deeply when I drink, but there are times when I feel absolutely nothing but a sinking feeling. It's simply a game of rolling dice, really.

I don't feel this way about love, the act of falling in love. It's bigger, than this feeling of a hungover morning, it's what made me stronger without knowing at such a young age, actually. Conclusion being, I'd trade moments at parties for a conversation with... Let's call my first love, Mr. Cassanova. Perhaps to have experienced the night life would've been better with Cassanova, that way I wouldn't have felt like I missed out on moments with him, but I've gotta carry on. Life stops for nobody, so hold onto you're Cassanova if you've got him, and never make him feel like he's any less because of this temptation of nights alive. Intention is your truth, I'd have to say, so move with gratitude, with love, and turn perceived negativity into redemption for yourself, for future's past- because a party isn't even the beginning to survival, more like a temporary fix to life. Indefinitely.

- 2:53 P.M.

_____________________________________________

written by: Mia Rose Sarmiento

5/20/21

______________________________________________

[chrismaverickdotcom]

You Don't Give a Shit About ______ of the Year... so stop pretending...

You might have noticed it’s nearing the end of the year. And like, if you didn’t notice this… well, what’s wrong with you? Anyway, a weird thing starts happening at the end of the year. Magazines start giving out the “_____ of the Year” awards. I find these fascinating in general and that’s no surprise. I’m a pop culture junkie “scholar”; I live for this stuff. But what I’ve found all the more interesting is the internet response to them. As far as I can tell, the primary purpose of magazines giving out ______ of the Year awards is so that people who don’t actually read them can bitch about them.

Here’s the thing… you don’t give a shit about _____ of the year… so stop pretending you do.

And I’m not just talking about the TIME Person of the year award. But yes, I mean that too… especially since His Royal Orangeness decided to take a break from his very busy schedule of presidenting to pretend that TIME had called him to offer him the chance to be Man of the Year for a second year in a row. Apparently they said that he was “probably” going to win and so they needed to know when he was available for his photoshoot. And The Donald is such a stud that he said “fuck that, probably isn’t good enough” and turned it down. Big pimpin’ yo!

Time Magazine called to say that I was PROBABLY going to be named “Man (Person) of the Year,” like last year, but I would have to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. I said probably is no good and took a pass. Thanks anyway!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 24, 2017

Spoiler alert. They did not. The president is a liar. And he’s a dumb liar. Because he actually thought that he’d be able to tweet that and the actual magazine wouldn’t call him on his bullshit. And of course they did. TIME immediately tweeted back at him that that is NOT how Person of the Year works… which Trump totally knows because he “won” it last year. You find out when the magazine comes out. They don’t ask your permission. It’s not really an award. This is why when people were all mad about Trump winning last year, other people pointed out “you know Hitler won too, right?” and he did. Because it’s not “winning.” It just means that you were in the news enough to where they feel like you’re important to talk about at the end of the year.

The President is incorrect about how we choose Person of the Year. TIME does not comment on our choice until publication, which is December 6.

— TIME (@TIME) November 25, 2017

So like, it’s entirely possible that Trump COULD be Time Person of the Year again. It could also be Colin Kaepernick (more on him later) or Steven Bannon, or Robert Mueller,  or Harvey Weinstein or some non-specific ethereal person or object. That’s happened before. “The computer” has been Person of the Year. “The whistleblowers” have been person of the year. I wouldn’t be surprised if the person of the year this year is “the protestor” or “the social justice warrior” or maybe even just “women.” It’s not an award… But it’s very important to Trump that he wins it anyway. Even if it means that TIME goes out of their way to subtly imply that he IS Hitler by the choice of image they used for the cover. He just REALLY REALLY REALLY cares… And if that’s not a good enough reason for you to not care about it, I don’t know what it is. He cares a lot! But you don’t give a shit. And you shouldn’t give a shit.

And by you… I mean YOU… yeah, you right there! I mean both liberals and conservatives. I mean white people and black people and every other race. All genders… all religions… I mean YOU. YOU don’t care about this… any outrage that you have about it is entirely manufactured. Let it go.

You know why? Because it doesn’t matter. AT ALL!

I’ve seen a few of these lately, because… like I said… it’s just that time of year.

The first one I saw in the last couple weeks was the conservatives complaining about Colin Kaepernick being named “Citizen of the Year” by GQ. There were a couple flavors of this. One was people, notably led by pundit Tomi Lahren (who conservatives like to pretend they care about for reasons other than how fuckable she looks… and she totally is fuckable… but seriously stop deluding yourself. Being hot doesn’t make her right… and she’s not going to fuck you… seriously… she just isn’t… so you don’t actually have to pay attention to her… but it’s ok to acknowledge that you liker her because she’s hot. She is hot. I admit it. More on that later.), saying that he doesn’t deserve this because he is anti-American. Lahren tweeted a photoshopped photo of Kaepernick kneeling before the soldiers storming the beaches at Normandy, which Warner Huston of Breitbart then picked up on to explain how poignant this was because Kaepernick the monster is so anti-American that he doesn’t vote and says that America has “never been great.”

Food for thought. pic.twitter.com/2ita0blH0O

— Tomi Lahren (@TomiLahren) November 23, 2017

I’ve already talked in detail about how dumb you are if you think Kaepernick’s protest is un-American (and seriously… you’re dumb… and racist. Just accept it!). But, both Lahren and Huston both are ignoring the context of the not only Kaepernick’s protest, but the photo. The implication of Lahren’s tweet would be that Kaepernick was protesting the war. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Do you know who was one of the most notable protestors of WWII. Mahatma Gandhi! Yeah, that’s right. Fucking Gandhi. Because it turns out a lot of people just basically oppose war. Gandhi’s stance was that people (including the Jews being murdered) should show peaceful, non-violent protest to the Nazis rather than fighting. That was kind of Gandhi’s whole deal. Furthermore, Lahren and Huston, much like most other people complaining about the kneeling protest, tend to ignore that Kaepernick picked kneeling specifically because it was an alternative way of showing respect, without standing. The idea was that it was showing deference to the flag/anthem while still refusing I’ve seen many people say that Kaepernick should stand with his hand over his heart during the anthem because anything else would be disrespectful. Because that’s what you do. Except, Lahren’s tweet sort of accidentally points something out. That’s not always been what we did. In fact, the original “correct” way to show respect to the flag was to “raise your right hand, flip your palm down, point it toward the flag in a salute.” Sound familiar? Yeah, it’s the same thing the Nazis did. We only changed the flag code in 1942 because we wanted to protest the way the Nazis were treating the Jews and do something different. In other words, the US government specifically changed the way we treat the flag to protest social injustice. Whacky, huh?

The other tactic I’ve seen people take is to point out other athletes who “deserve to be man of the year more than Kaepernick.” Usually this is some white sports star who did something else notable. Often people point to JJ Watt for his efforts at fundraising for the victims of Hurricane Harvey. And you know what, Watt did a good thing. There’s no doubt about that. Of course the people praising him are missing two important details. First of all JJ WATT SUPPORTS THE RIGHTS OF THE PLAYER’S TO KNEEL! Do you know how I know this? Because he fucking said so. He thinks that the greatest thing about America is the right to free speech and he includes that. He says it’s important to pay attention the point behind the protests and different ethnic experiences the protestors have had. So you know, there’s that. But also, I bet there’s not one person calling for Watt over Kaepernick who can say who GQ’s Citizen of the Year was last year. Anyone? I’ll wait. Anyone? Anyone? Yeah, I didn’t think so. The answer is no one. There wasn’t one. Because that’s not how GQ does things. The GQ Men of the Year awards (and unlike TIME, they’re actually awards. You get a trophy and there’s a banquet and stuff) work like the Kennedy Center Honors. Like a dozen people win one each year. In fact, this year Gal Gadot will be getting “Wonder Woman of the Year” (something that literally ONLY makes sense to give only her… ever… and maybe Linda Carter) and Stephen Colbert will be getting “Bad Hombre of the Year.” And then there are some artists and humanitarians that you’ve probably never even heard of. They pick the people they want to honor every year and then say what they’re for. In other words, GQ decided it wants to honor Kaepernick and then picked a title that says why. And if you were a fan of GQ, you’d probably know that. But you’re not a fan. In fact, you don’t give a shit about the GQ Men of the Year awards. So stop pretending…

It goes the other way as well. This has been evident because soon after I started seeing conservative people complaining about Kaepernick, I started seeing liberal people complaining about Blake Shelton being named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. This also comes in two flavors. First, was people complaining that Blake just isn’t sexy. Really, this came down to a lot of people just not really knowing who he is, or if he was, not giving a shit. Blake Shelton is arguably the most successful country music star of all time. He’s hella rich. And yeah, he may not be everyone’s cup of tea. Hell, he’s not mine… partly because he’s a dude. But also because he’s just not my kind of dude. But he certainly isn’t bad looking. In fact, for a scruffy looking middle-aged white boy, He’s sure as hell hotter than Mick Jagger or Steven Tyler have ever been. For some reason Adam Driver seems to be a sex symbol right now and he’s just downright scary looking. Seriously, if Adam Driver wasn’t famous and he hit on you in a bar, you’d run away. And with good reason. But Blake Shelton is decent enough looking, if you’re into the rugged cowboy never freshly shaven look. And people are. It’s an enduring look for a reason. If you’re saying that you don’t understand how Blake Shelton is sexy, you sound stupid. Sure, maybe you don’t care for his music. But he’s still a musician. And he’s rich. And he’s got a relatively classic style of handsomeness. It’s not a hard thing to “get.” I admitted earlier that Tomi Lahren was sexy. She is. I don’t like her. In fact, I think she’s pretty deplorable. But if she knock on my door today and is standing there in lingerie and says “One of us is right about flag protests and the other is wrong. Let us settle this in the bedroom. Whoever orgasms first is the loser.” I mean… I’m going to give it the old college try. Because I’m a patriot. Well, and also because she looks like she might be fun to have sex with… and then kick out of bed. So like… for the people who like Blake Shelton… who enjoy his music and aren’t morally opposed to him… which is a lot of people… I get it.

The other tactic is to complain about Shelton being Sexiest Man Alive because he’s white. Seriously, that’s the main gist of it. This is equally stupid. I’ve seen lists of “10 black men who deserve sexiest man alive more than Blake Shelton” and “10 asian men who deserve sexiest man alive more than Blake Shelton.” And this is… stupid. It just is. Sexy is in the eye of the beholder. It always has been. I said I’d fuck Tomi Lahren… but you know who I’d rather fuck? Rihanna. Seriously… I want that a lot. And a bunch of other people too. There are many people on my list that are more sexy than Tomi Lahren. But it doesn’t matter. Because her being in an article saying she is sexy doesn’t affect my preferences at all. And my vision of sexy really doesn’t affect someone else’s. My favorite version of this has been the meme of Jason Momoa (who has appeared on many of the “men of color sexier than Blake Shelton” lists). Lot of people have been resharing this saying “there is no way anyone who thinks Blake Shelton is sexy has ever seen Jason Momoa.” And you’re probably right. Because Jason Momoa would scare the shit out of people who read People magazine. They’d think he was a demon of some sort. I mean, yeah… *I* think he’s sexy. In fact, much like Lahren, if Jason Momoa showed up on my doorstep saying “One of us is right about flag protests and the other is wrong. Let us settle this in the bedroom. Whoever orgasms first is the loser.” I’d still give it the old college try. That’s right, I would absolutely fuck Jason Momoa! And I’m straight. And I have no delusions that I would be the topping in this particular scenario. But I mean, seriously… just look at him! That man will break you… He will make you feel things that you’re just not ready for.That said, the fact that a suburban soccer mom picking up the weekly groceries would rather fuck Blake Shelton than the half-man, half-wildebeest that is Jason Momoa is just not at all unreasonable. And there’s nothing wrong with not wanting that. The people who read People don’t want that. And sticking him on the cover isn’t going to change that. And it’s not going to make other people read People either.

Do you know how I know that? Because the other person I’ve seen people floating most often other than Momoa is The Rock. Because the Rock is clearly a good looking man, and “isn’t it about time we picked a Person of Color who would break down stereotypes and show people that non-white men could be sexy?” or “maybe if they chose a sexy man of color like The Rock, they could increase readership.” But the problem is, no… that wouldn’t actually change much. It wouldn’t change anything. Why do I say that? Because I know who People chose for the award last year. Do you see where I’m going with this? It was the fucking Rock. And clearly no one asking for this bought that issue. Did you buy that issue? Of course not. Because you don’t give a shit about who People’s Sexiest Man of the Year is. So stop pretending you do.

Really what this is about on both sides isn’t so much showing who you think deserves to be the ______ of the year, but proving that the person who isn’t your cup of tea DOESN’T deserve it. Since they started giving the award in 1985, there have been exactly two men of color who have won. The Rock is second. The first was Denzel Washington, back in 1996. So we can expect another in 2036. The rest have all been middle-aged (or sometimes older) white men, usually actors who are hits at that time, generally with scruffy facial hair. It’s a look. It’s the fantasy. And it’s the fantasy they want. There’s a reason that Julia Roberts has been People’s “Most Beautiful Person” five times. There’s a reason that Lena Horne won Ebony’s version of that award 34,297 times.. even at like age 90. Same thing with Kaepernick. This is similar to something I wrote a couple years ago, when Caitlyn Jenner won Arthur Ashe Courage Award for ESPN, something that I maintain til this day 99% of the people complaining about it didn’t know it existed, and don’t remember anymore. Why doesn’t Playboy Magazine ever choose any plus sized women for Playmate of the Year? In fact, all Playboy playmates have incredibly similar bodies. Go figure? Does that mean that you’re not allowed to like women who don’t look like that? Not at all. How many superhero movies have won Best Picture at the Oscars? None. But they make billions of dollars. It’s just that CGI slugfests are not what the Academy is celebrating with that award.

In other words, when you’re complaining about the choices for these things… for magazine’s that you honestly don’t give a shit about and never will, not matter what they choose, what you are really doing is telling people that they aren’t allowed to like what they like. They aren’t allowed to believe what they believe. You’re telling them that they have to like what you like. They have to believe what you believe. And if they don’t, then somehow they are wrong. It’s you’re really standing up for JJ Watt or Jason Momoa. No real thought was even put into those responses. Why Watt and not Mona Patel or any other “Top Ten Heroes of 2017″ that CNN picked and you’ve never heard of? That’s because you don’t give a shit about GQ’s Men of the Year or CNN’s Top Heroes. Why Momoa and not Mahershala Ali or any of the other thirteen non-white men who made their list of thirty sexy men in that issue? Yeah, you didn’t know there was a list and that nearly half of it was non-white, did you? That’s because don’t actually give a shit about who People thinks are the sexiest men of the year. You were never going to buy the book to find out. And Aziz Ansari is probably pissed, because I’m sure he’s thrilled to be in it.

You’re just standing against recognizing people that you don’t like. It’s hard to say Shelton isn’t sexy because he’s a dumb hick and you hate country music. It’s hard to say Kaepernick isn’t a good citizen because One blog I saw asked “SO how could Blake win ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ if Jason Momoa is still alive!? RIDDLE ME THAT, PEOPLE WHO VOTED. Wait, now that I think about it…who votes for this title, anyway?” And they’ve really answered the question there. No one voted. It’s not an election. It is a decision made by the editors of People Magazine based on the story they want to tell their readers. Just like Kaepernick in GQ. Just like Trump in TIME. They’re about as official as a mug that proclaims you “the World’s Best Mother.” And of course none of you take those seriously. Because obviously MY MOM is the World’s Best. Only you don’t give a shit. But on that one, you probably should.

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You Don’t Give a Shit About ______ of the Year… so stop pretending… was originally published on ChrisMaverick dotcom