#I don't even know how many people I'd want to see it.

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

Ok a couple of disclaimers before what I'm about to say next

This DID make me sick to my stomach to read

I DID avoid reading this when I first saw it posted bc I didn't want to know

I'm glad I eventually read it

Cause here's the thing. Like a lot of you, I was genuinely shocked at how the election turned out. Like many of you, I assumed that the people who found Trump an appealing candidate were a minority and most people would see Harris as the only sensible choice, regardless of if they loved her policies or not. But clearly that wasn't the case!

And the question I keep coming back to is, where's the propaganda machine that makes Trump look normal & attractive compared to Harris? How did it completely avoid me? I think the fact that it completely avoided me and like everyone I talk to, is almost as scary as the actual results. Obviously I know about echo chambers, but this is on another level. What other misinformation are people around me soaking up like a sponge that I'm not even aware of?

Like obviously my parents are watching Fox News and getting conservative ads on Facebook. That's bc my parents actively seek out conservative content. They get what the algorithm is feeding them.

How is the algorithm targeting and converting these "young undecided voters"? Is there "normal" stuff out there that people enjoy that is somehow conservative-coded + gets them targeted with ads? What social media are these folks on where they're getting these types of ads and content?

You know what I'm saying? This is completely not my field but I feel strongly that in order to stop and reverse the unhinged bullshit that's happening now apparently with people who are not actually much younger than me, we need to figure out how it happened. Even if it makes us nauseous.

It's comfy in my echo chamber but I don't want to (ever again) wake up one day in a world I don't recognize, that I perhaps could have done something about if I'd known sooner what was coming and how.

[ir-abelas-vhenan]

I've been thinking a lot today about how easily people condemn Solas for making the choices he did or for so regularly refusing the help and love his friends or a romanced Lavellan extended to him and how that's a very easy thing to do from behind a screen in a fictional game where you are able to (with very few exceptions) curate a world in which your allies are loyal and your decisions will go the way you'd like them to.

And yeah, it's a game and that's kind of the point, but if I were to look at it a little more deeply (and who am I kidding, I got back on this website exclusively to process the aftermath of Veilguard) I'd say that there's so much to be found in wondering if the protagonists in any of the other games would have fared better in similar conditions.

Apparently I can't stop making long posts, so buckle in.

What would Morrigan have become in a world where the Warden never stumbled upon her cottage with Flemeth, if she never got the chance to see more of the world and decide what she wanted out of it? With just her mother (who, coincidentally in this Solas-y discussion is also kind of Mythal) and no support, who is to say what she would have unleashed upon the Korcari Wilds one day when the confines of her cage became too much?

What about Leliana? She, too, suffered at the hands of a very controlling abuser who tried to convince her that one lifestyle was all that her future held. What do we think she would have become if not for a chance meeting in Lothering with someone who could help her face down the woman that molded her?

Fenris, a character MANY people are just fine with was incredibly ready to kill a mage on sight if need be, no questions asked. Where do we think his story goes if he doesn't have someone in his corner early on enough in the game? If he doesn't get caught by Danarius, he's almost certainly going to end up on a murder spree, and he doesn't even have Justice whispering in his head to do it.

Cullen. Just all of him. It's an absolute miracle he hasn't snapped by the time you encounter him in Inquistion, and even then you get the benefit of intervening at a critical point in his story several times over.

Almost every other character could face this analysis and I think we'd reach a result that suggests perhaps the only thing keeping them lovable is your playable character's investment in their well-being.

Enter Solas. We don't meet him when he's twenty to thirty something and on the precipice of falling down a dark path. He's been there for literal millennia already, and with the exception of one close friend he's been alone. And not even Felassan is enough because of the years Mythal had prior to that friendship to make Solas exactly who she needed him to be.

I've had shit friends before that aren't just good at isolating people, they're naturals. I barely made it through high school with my mental health in place (in fact, looking back, it almost certainly wasn't). When you think you've got a true friend and they need something of you, it's so easy to blindly follow them because you think your love is enough to mark someone's soul as trustworthy. Solas doesn't learn that lesson until it's too late, and even when he does he can't turn back: the spirit that was once Wisdom has been exposed to several of the worst ancient elves to ever exist and now he has to stand his ground rather than let it all fall, because that is what Pride would dictate. Admitting that the person you gave your love and labor and time to is a monster is hard. And he was alone.

Give me Morrigan after centuries with her mother. Show me Leliana after the years have become a blur and the only voice whispering in her ear is Marjolaine's. Show me the innocent mages that don't make it through if all Fenris has for years and years and years are the scars Danaris left him and the means to make more. Show me Cullen if he stays in a chain of command under a Knight Commander who knows exactly what he fears and holds it over his head for so long he forgets what it was like to be an excited kid begging the templars for training because he just wants to keep people safe.

We get companions in these games who are broken by the time they're twenty. Solas has spent thousands of years in servitude to a cause of a woman he believed to be his only friend. He doesn't know who he is without her influence, anymore, only exists physically in the first place because she asked it of him and then asked again and again and again. He doesn't have a witty band of merry fools to pull him out of that cycle. He has Felassan, but he has him during war after war after war in the hopes of freeing others from the very situation that torments him.

Trauma from war affects everyone touched by it, nevermind the fact that Solas is actively responsible for saving the lives of thousands and feels each life like a weight around his neck because maybe he can save them like he cannot save himself. We should always be worried about the people trying to do the most good. Who is looking out for them? Why are they so determined to help others? Could it be that it's something they wish others had done for them?

Solas certainly feels comradery with Felassan from working together to free slaves from the very people he helped put in power because Mythal told him it would be okay only to leave him with the pieces, but even the Solas that Felassan knows has been turned into an attack dog shying away from the touch of the very person it desires to be near above all others by the time their relationship forms.

The fact that Solas is able to try and show the Inquisitor who he is at all is a miracle as far as I'm concerned, a sign of a peaceful spirit of Wisdom who loves knowledge for the sake of it finally sensing that there might be a chance to embrace its nature again.

Yeah, if you give him what he has come to expect from people with power, if you let near-absolute power over the masses corrupt you, he's going to bristle and try to shut your inquisitor down.

But if you show him even the smallest bit of kindness? If you treat him like the starving wolf he talks about and feed him instead of fighting him? God, it shatters his entire existence.

It's called a cycle of abuse for a reason. Finding friendship, finding the love of your long-ass life can be the first step in realizing there's better out there. But the time it takes to learn that? When you're too weary to even reach out for help in the first place and afraid of every kind word or gesture because you've never known such tenderness (on a platonic OR romantic level, both matter so so much) before?

Part of the compelling tragedy of Solas is that it's almost Orpheus-like how he knows what he has been made into and still cannot stop himself from yearning for more, from turning around to see if just this once something has changed. You can't convince me that he hasn't spent years hoping that someone will hear the legend of the Dread Wolf and see it for what it is, a leash the Evanuris created for Mythal's whipping boy to ensure that even if he ever escapes them, the people he fought to save will hate him. And I cannot blame him for the shock and terror that consumes him when he realizes someone finally has.

You give me any of dragon age companions after the amount of time Solas spent under Mythal's thumb without your character's intervention and you tell me how that looks.

You tell me if they're able to change at the first sign of something that feels too good to be true.

And then, I want you to tell me they're any less worthy of trying to save, especially when you know how good their best can be.

Solas might be hard for some fans to love, but it's only because he serves as the perfect representation of the beast we are all capable of becoming when the love that sustains us, assuming we receive any at all, is laced with poison.

The journey out of that place, out of a literal prison of regret, is brutal, and I'm thrilled that even with the many things about Veilguard I'm still struggling with, we have the chance to let Solas try again with the help of those who love him not because he never fell down, but because they believe in the beauty of a future where he gets back up again.

[shantechni]

Natsume's Fear of Thunder

I'm gonna be honest, this can hardly be considered an analysis. It's more of a "sporadic and unnecessarily deep observation" of how Natsume's astraphobia has been presented in the series over the years, both in the anime and in the manga. So, please for the love of God take all of this with a grain of salt.

Yes, I'm using the term "phobia" very loosely, but I'm not about to get into that rn. Natsume has an irrational fear and strong dislike of thunder, that's an undeniable truth.

Before I dive in, I'd like to briefly explain why, of all the little bits of information Midorikawa has given us about Natsume, this one is the one to ceaselessly bump around in my brain like a DVD logo. This series is not in the horror genre (it's serialized in LaLa DX after all), but it does get suspenseful, and pretty disturbing depending on whatever topic it touches or the types of situations the characters may find themselves in. I don't fault anyone, particularly Natsume, for growing up with valid fears and preconceived misconceptions about most youkai; they can sound scary, they can look scary, and they can do some scary stuff if they really feel up to it.

That's why I'm so fascinated to see Natsume develop and still harbor an irrational fear for something like the everyday phenomena of storms. He's landed himself in all sorts of trouble and has come face to face with many beings, both natural and supernatural, who didn't have his best interests in mind, and yet the clap of thunder somehow keeps its spot on the list of things that has him scared stiff.

Aight, spoilers for both the anime and the manga beyond here, you've been warned👏🏽

Our first introduction to Natsume's fear is near the beginning of chapter 42, when he and Tanuma accidentally stumble across Taki's home while seeking shelter from a sudden shower. He questions how Nyanko-sensei ended up at her home as well and the youkai, much to Natsume's visible dismay, cheekily explains:

That doesn't end up happening since the rain remained light until its swift end, and the mention of Natsume's fear is glossed over rather quickly to save him the embarrassment, but it's an interesting mention made by Midorikawa nonetheless since it adds another layer to whatever image the audience has of Natsume and the series itself. Nyanko-sensei, having been around this kid long enough to know a lot of his vulnerabilities and insecurities (even the ones his dreams unwittingly reveal to the youkai), has seen and grown accustomed to a side of him that the audience had yet to be formally introduced to for once.

Right about now, you may be wondering how the anime adapted this scene. It didn't💀.

While the start of the episode (S3 EP5) is a one-to-one recreation of the chapter with virtually the same dialogue and scenery, any mention of Nyanko-sensei following Natsume to pick on him when it thunders is nonexistent and entirely skipped over so the gang can go straight to cleaning out the storeroom.

Most fans who have read the manga will tell you how notorious the anime is for excluding some of the characters' lines or scenes that take place in the manga, or just straight up rearranging or changing up those same factors. Sometimes those alterations work wonders, and other times they leave more to be desired, mainly if you know what happened in the manga counterpart of the episode. This such example is one of the times that'll leave people scratching their heads and wondering what warranted getting rid of a scene so insignificant that it'd have no effect on the plot of the episode whether or not it stayed. The only answer I can think of for that is the directors likely wanting a smoother progression of events to make for a viewing experience better tailored for an anime episode rather than a manga chapter.

Or, they genuinely didn't have enough space in the episode to squeeze in that little bit, which I highly doubt, but what would I know, I don't work for them. At the end of the day, we didn't get to see that scene in the episode.

After some more anime switcheroo shenanigans go on behind the scenes, along with an original episode pulling a retcon during a lightning storm, we receive our next moment in a surprising scene from the anime team in S3 EP10 (adaptation of chapter 28). Though the scene itself is short and not exactly an example of Natsume's astraphobia, I feel it should still be included because of its relation.

The chapter originally starts with Natsume and Nyanko-sensei searching for a tree that was struck by lightning during a storm the night before. However, the anime makes an addition of their own by rewinding time to that very night and showing Nyanko-sensei excitedly watching the storm take place while Natsume is tied up with his homework.

Nyanko-sensei goes on to tease him by suggesting that he doesn't want to watch the storm because he's scared, but Natsume dodges the youkai's mocking and begins to tell him to close the curtain before a crack of lightning cuts him off and illuminates his room.

Not only does Natsume not simply deny Nyanko-sensei's claim of him being scared, but his reaction to the thunder is seemingly more sudden than Nyanko-sensei's. Both of these points could subsequently lead the audience to interpret this entire sequence as the anime's first acknowledgement of his phobia, and it'd make for a very intriguing choice on the anime team's behalf after taking their ommitance of the previous scene into consideration. It could be a stretch though ngl, I tend to stretch like crazy, it makes sense to close a curtain when a pet is being noisy—

Finally moving on from S3, we eventually reach the most overt instance of Natsume's astraphobia, and potential origin or exacerbation of it, in the S4 finale (adaptation of chapter 46). This three episode arc is a largely intimate and heart wrenching one as it focuses on Natsume's journey to revisit his childhood home before it gets renovated by its new owners, a task he initially denied himself the permission of doing before realizing Touko and Shigeru would never deny him something so personal. Of course, he wouldn't be Natsume if he didn't attract a youkai along the way, and he's being pursued by one that seeks to feed on the tragic memories he formed while staying with the Aoi family, who was strongly implied to be the first family (if not, one of the first families) he was taken in by after his father's passing.

One of those memories shown to the audience is a younger Natsume relaxing in a shrine while memorizing where his childhood home is located, all in the hopes of gaining more discernible memories of his father and no longer being a burden to Miyoko and her parents.

Unfortunately, he falls asleep at the shrine and consequently loses track of time before having his slumber disturbed by a violent boom of thunder. He's so frightened by the ordeal that he can't even bring himself to rush back to the Aoi family's place, and his exhaustion puts him back to sleep until he's eventually found by some of the neighbors who went out searching for him.

The anime, with the natural strengths it has over the manga, goes the extra mile by not only keeping this portion relatively untouched, but further setting up the scenery and depicting just how rapidly the area goes from peaceful to turbulent. The character animation and voice acting make for a splendid combination and do a wonderful job of capturing this image of a helpless childhood version of Natsume.

What comes soon after this scene is a depressing sequence of events on its own, even more so when we can see he's still reeling from the storm and believing he caused the Aois to get into trouble by not getting back before dark. The adults obviously don't fault Natsume for getting stuck in the storm, but he doesn't see it that way in his shocked state.

The way Miyoko reacts by throwing her frustrations onto him doesn't help either.

And so, after aimlessly running off in his last unsuccessful attempt to find his childhood home, the memory fades away with a somber note as his present self recalls the moment he finally stopped calling for his long gone father.

Now, one could argue that Natsume had his fear of thunder prior to his time with the Aois since we don't have much reference material to work with when concerning his short period of time with his father, and they could be right for all I know. It's common for children to be startled by loud noises and bright flashes since they just aren't quite accustomed to those loud noises and bright flashes being customary for weather disturbances. Natsume, who we know grew up to be pretty sensitive to the things that go on around him, may have been one of those children who felt apprehension anytime a bad storm rolled in, and his father may have been the one to quell his fears back then. So, if we go with the conclusion that his fear didn't originate here, then this scene likely could've aggravated it. But I'm personally leaning a bit more towards the concept of this being the cause of it (partly due to how appealing that conclusion is to the obsessive part of my brain).

His initial reaction to the thunder is seemingly one of surprise rather than fear, and his behavior suggests that he's more concerned with making it back down the mountain before the thunder halts his progress. Although he's seen trying to talk himself down and fails to do so with how relentless the thunderstorm is proving to be, he doesn't need to have preexisting fears or anxieties over thunder to resort to calming himself down.

The dialogue differences strike me as something to consider too, but they're likely irrelevant.

Setting aside everything I just ranted about in the above paragraph, I should specify that I'm not simply pointing to the storm scene as the singular root cause for his future woes. Many psychological problems often aren't so black and white that someone can definitively point to one person or thing as the sole reason for the existence of their psychological problems. And phobias obviously don't always develop as a result of going through or observing a traumatic event; people can grow to fear or strongly dislike something merely by its association with an unpleasant memory or stressful situation. I know I'm starting to stretch hard rn, and this part of the post is getting awfully wordy, just hear me out—

Going back to that aforementioned short period of time with his dad, it's plain to see just how innocent of a time that was for Natsume. He was playful and affectionate with his dad like many children growing up in a healthy environment would be at that age. He doesn't even appear to have an awareness of youkai (if so, only slight enough for it to not become a problem for him just yet). We're shown later on that he would commonly draw around the house too, as evidenced by the nearly two decade old pieces of artwork his father never removed from the kitchen area and closet.

Natsume even proceeds to make a comment about this childhood version of himself likely being the mischievous type for him to run around drawing on surfaces without a care in the world.

He undeniably had his own troubles at that stage of his life though, with one of those troubles being his mom and the empty spot left behind by her passing away. Apart from his heartwarming portrait of a family with both parents, he's also shown lamenting to Miyoko after the death of his dad about not being able to remember his mom. We've seen with those two examples that her absence indeed left an impact on him early on in his life, but he doesn't stay too broken up over her considering how little he got to bond with her, and he doesn't openly despair about the loss of his dad until his growing sense of loneliness and longing becomes too much for him to smooth over.

The point I'm trying (and admittedly struggling) to make here is that after moving in with Miyoko and her parents, the worries on Natsume's plate increased tenfold and weighed him down far more than he was willing to accept at first. Suddenly, this kid had little to smile about in life, taking a glance at his only picture of his parents causes grief and envy to flare up in his chest, he's afraid of being a burden to those who took him under his wing, he's eating less than Miyoko because he's concerned with coming off as too greedy, he feels responsible for Miyoko getting picked on because of his relation to her, he's still learning the way back to the Aoi family's home, and now he's surrounded by all of these weird creatures that apparently no one else can see.

Suddenly, he's no longer that carefree toddler we saw sitting on his dad's lap as the two of them watched over his late mom's garden.

I feel moderately certain about Natsume's experience with the storm, coupled with this pivotal and devastating shift in his life, being the plausible cause for him developing his irrational fear of thunder as a child.

After this arc, we aren't greeted with another scene featuring or centered on his astraphobia until chapter 85 (which doesn't appear to be adapted in S7 judging from the PV😭), and it focuses on Natsume, Tanuma and Taki viewing a limited exhibition at an old inn that has a deep history with youkai. Not too long after the owner engages in conversation with Taki, Natsume and Tanuma briefly comment on how peaceful the inn is making the both of them feel, and a sudden lightning strike cuts through the tranquility of the inn.

It catches everyone off guard and, unsurprisingly, has Natsume frozen in place as Tanuma asks him and Taki if they're alright.

Much like Nyanko-sensei's first time mentioning Natsume's fear, the moment doesn't last long as the gang soon realizes they'll have to spend the night at the inn while they wait for the sudden storm to pass.

By this point in the manga though, Midorikawa has evidently decided to make Natsume's astraphobia a recurring element of the sorts. She could've easily left his astraphobia as another facet of his that we get to see once or twice and never again since it's not serviceable to the story as a whole, but she's started using his phobia as an additional means of displaying his discomfort in any given situation. Having a thunderstorm suddenly appear during a moment of serenity, immediately after Natsume tells Tanuma the place is making him feel strangely good, was a brilliant move of jarring him. And it works especially well here as a sign of the looming threat that'll find its way into the inn over night and slowly creep upon the group the longer they remain there.

Midorikawa pulls this same stunt again to slightly greater effect in chapter 117, where Natsume, Tanuma and Nyanko-sensei happen upon the Kisaragi Manor and find themselves taking part in a ritual for summoning youkai.

It starts with the trio meeting up in the evening to view the bamboo lanterns, but a woman claiming to be in search of a mansion requests their help to find it before it gets too dark, as well as to avoid getting caught in a downpour should the drizzle grow heavier. While Tanuma shows interest in the ritual, and the people they meet are treating them somewhat cordially, Natsume is disconcerted by the arrangement they've found themselves in. He's surrounded by five women he's never met in his life, is once again in an unfamiliar place that feels weird in Nyanko-sensei's own words, and is thrown for a loop by everyone's enthusiasm with the idea of meeting youkai rather than being put off by them.

The group isn't even a minute into their summoning ritual when a huge boom of thunder shakes the room and causes a power outage, sending them into a brief stint of darkness until Hitomi relights the candle.

While waiting for the candle though, Natsume answers Tanuma's question by for once admitting that he's bothered by thunder, leading to Nyanko-sensei characteristically picking on his phobia by calling him a chicken.

Again, the moment is subtle and restricted to one corner of the page, but it sticks the landing. Instead of using the lightning or thunder as a sign of things to come as she's done before, Midorikawa uses them here as an integrant of an already somewhat concerning scene slowly veering towards being disturbing. In addition to selling just how uncomfortable of a situation this is for Natsume, it also depicts how far along he is in his friendship with Tanuma to be honest about an irrational fear we know he'd rather not speak of.

Alas, chapter 117 was our last time seeing thunder scare Natsume, at least until the next time Midorikawa chooses to use his fear to her advantage, unless the anime miraculously surprises us with its own original take as we've seen it isn't afraid to do. What we've been given so far though is plentiful in comparison to many other plot points or quirks that get reused or called back to far less than this one. I won't throw a tantrum if his never gets referenced to or utilized again (which I doubt will happen knowing Midorikawa's writing), but I eagerly anticipate seeing it again should it reappear.

It's captivating to watch this minor detail frequently make it's way back into the story somehow, to the point that it eventually cemented itself as a miniscule yet effective way of shedding different shades of light on the many complexities of Natsume.

[bunnys-kisses]

https://www.tumblr.com/bunnys-kisses/768349619894861824/im-holding-your-hand-when-im-saying-this-as-a?source=share

people started asking crane (Max’s friend) on stream if Lestappen (Charles and max) is real. I think he was like “I shouldn’t be furthering/entertaining this” (I forgot what he said word for word). People took it as something to be excited about, that the drivers are aware of the ships and all, but idk. I think fandoms are getting too bold for my liking. I have no problem with shipping, but this parasocial behaviour is out of hand. I saw this when 1D was still a group (with Harry x Louis shippers harassing Louis to the point where he got so upset when the ship was referenced in the popular show Euphoria), I’ve seen it with Kpop in which idols have stopped hanging out publicly because fandoms get out of hand (a girl in the group Aespa had a boyfriend earlier this year and fans got very upset because they shipped her and another member and they broke up. A few years ago, 2 members of two different kpop groups (SNSD and EXO) dated and the girl got harassed at the airport even). And now this.

Fandoms get so parasocial so quickly, it’s insane. It’s not new behaviour, but it’s strange.

exactly, this isn't new behavior. but i feel like it's become more emboldened with how much more "online" both fans and companies/groups are.

more under the cut, because this is a long one....

i also think it ties into this notion that i've been seeing online about how fans have this feeling to be "right" both with rpf and fiction as well. that their theories, opinions and whatever else is "correct". i've seen this with like pieces of media like steven universe and even star wars. like fandom isn't fun anymore, it has become this weird one up over each other. i honestly don't know when this changed, my guess is around the pandemic when it seemed like people were more logged into the internet. but, i could be wildly off with that. (if you have an idea, i'd love to know). it just feels stupid in so many ways how fandoms are structured. even if you're not the "best" artist or writer, people can't have FUN in fandom - of course that doesn't mean it has to be absolved criticism. you can have fun and still call out hate within spaces. the issue with formula one (along with k-pop like you mentioned, anon), is that these aren't characters. this isn't arguing in the tags over is finnpoe or reylo is more valid or legitimate within the narrative. these are REAL people, with REAL friends, families and partners.

it's this weird push to have someone's theory - and while i have a soft spot for lestappen, it is at the end of the day nothing more than fan theory - be confirmed. also personally, if hattie (oscar's sister) or crane (max's friend) "outed" them, i would be horribly fucking offended on oscar/max's behalf. to have someone you TRUST just out you like that. it's sick. maybe it's because i worked in queer spaces from high school all the way through uni, and the number one rule no matter WHAT, is you never out someone. even if the question is harmless and the person asking has no ill intention. you never out another person, because it's not YOUR coming out. so the fact that fans are near begging these people to OUT their loved ones, is not only a level of delusion that i can't ever comprehend. but, also it could honestly, ruin that interpersonal relationship.

so like even if a driver is queer, whoever it may be. could be a driver from the 90s, could be a driver today, it could be a driver in five years, i don't want someone else in their life outing them. because that's THEIR story. and fans need to realize that. bothering crane or hattie or alexandra (i've seen that too) - isn't helping anyone and it makes you look unhinged and weirdly alienates not only the driver but their loved ones. YES, they knew it exists, it is EVERYWHERE. but shoving it in their faces doesn't help. and you're never going to get the confirmation because there is a high chance that their not even queer to begin with. and if they are, NOT OUR CONCERN

i don't have a problem writing or consuming rpf, it is not a crime nor do i think it should be stopped. like HAVE FUN. but you have to realize that it's not like debating star wars or marvel or whatever other piece of fictional media. formula one is REAL, they are not actors. they are athletes, and unless you want all rpf to be shut down some how. i suggest the likes of some of ya'll need to understand that there are different boundaries. and respect them.

i know they're all millionaires, but they still breathe and bleed as a friend of mine once said. it's fun to put them in little scenarios in fanworks, but just keep it out of their direct attention. there are unspoken boundaries, that some of ya'll need have said to you apparently.

asking oscar issac if he THINKS that finnpoe is real is VERY different than asking someone's sister if she thinks her REAL LIFE BROTHER is fucking his REAL LIFE TEAMMATE. - people's relationships have turned to ash over insistent rpf in their faces all the time.

my advice at the end of the day is: have fun, don't write or draw it because you want confirmation that it's a real relationship. write or draw it because you're having fun. fandom is about making friends and shipping in whatever context is about finding a slice of community on the vast internet, not cracking the code of if it is a real relationship. - bunny.

[skill7spark04]

Ima be real, most men I see just want A woman. men that get several women care about attributes like that, because they can pull. but men who never pull just want to feel loved. mostly. women who don't pull many are often quieter about their prefrences, and even then their prefrences are few and far between, usually being something like "don't be an asshole" and "don't look like Nikacado pre 2024 reveal". but the ones who are the quietest on both sides, whether because they choose to, or are ignored entirely, often just wants to be loved. when you have so many options, you often forget to look for what's important, assuming that it is, and should be, a default trait. a person could be the hottest bitch (man or woman) and still be an asshole, because you assume the default that humans aren't assholes due to your experience. however, if you have little to no choice, then you really care about finding someone who actually is a good person, because you don't care about sorting through your options to find your perfect partner, you're just trying to find someone kind and loving, and they will be perfect for you. both sides I've seen point fingers calling each other shallow. but it's the loud minority that distorts our views. most women aren't on onlyfans and most dudes aren't fuckboys. most are quiet, content, and just looking for love without bothering the world about it. let's be honest. the reason why Men left is the toxic feminists mixed with the pandering of the right, such as Andrew Tate. men talk about mens issues, make their own spaces, and try to have discussion, and then are invaded by the worst side of the left (most of you are reasonable I'd like to think), and told that they are privileged (sure doesn't feel like it when even alleged SA, even if disproved gets you arrested and fired), and that the patriarchy blah blah blah. for example: National Mens day. national women's day is talked about on the news, people all over talk about it. but you so much as say happy mens day, you get hit with "oh, so you're celebrating bigots, colonizers, and racists across history?" well if we're going that route, Africans routinely committed genocide on each other in their own country, even selling off POWs to the British during the Triangle trade. that would make them slavers, right? so why do we celebrate BLM? do you hear how ridiculous that sounds? or worse yet: "men don't deserve a day" or "no wonder I felt terrible". again. this is a loud minority of people. usually a small subset of white American Women who think all men should die because of one bad experience. I'd love to believe the progressive all inclusive side of politics would include the Cis Het White Male. BUT DOES IT REALLY? (sorry, I shouldn't really talk politics, but I can't let this one slide. I enjoyed your observations, and it's interesting to know that it does in fact go both ways, confirming my hypothesis about the Loud Minority ruining everything by convincing the public that the majority thinks that way. most of y'all women don't hate men, or you wouldn't have dads or husbands or boyfriends, right?)

I know two men who are currently single. One is 26, and the other is 38.

I’ve spoken with both of them at length about what they want in a woman, seeing as they’re cishet and white.

They both immediately went for physical attributes. Thin, but needs to have a nice butt. Boobs can’t be too big. One likes short hair, the other likes long hair. They also went into facial features for some reason. That was the part that made me really uncomfortable as I hadn’t expected either of them to have been that focused on appearances.

Aesthetics came next. Both want ‘alt goth / witchy’ women. It should be worth noting both of these men said their potential partner can’t wear too much makeup.

Lastly came personality and interests. They both said this is the most important thing to them, but they also ‘have to be pretty’. Oh, and they need to listen.

I have some single ladies I’ve also spoken with.

It’s the opposite. They rarely care about looks. It’s about chemistry, emotional connection, feeling safe, and sharing common goals / ideals.

While I know it’s not ‘all men’ it sure as fuck is a lot of you. Also both of these men think they’re part of the ‘good cishet white liberal men’ who voted for Kamala, despite one of them not voting at all.

He’s the 38 year old. To make things worse, he’s trying to date a 24 year old. 🤷‍♀️ His criteria for a potential partner was also under the age of 30 because it means less baggage and they’re still ‘fun to be around’.

You don’t want to know what he doesn’t bring to the table. Either of them, rather. 😅

We do have a male loneliness epidemic, but it’s not women’s fault. We don’t owe you anything. We’re not vending machines you put tokens into and get sex out of. Male culture made by men and perpetuated by men has made men this way. And it’s your job as men to fix it, not point the finger at us and say it’s our fault for not wanting to be with you. Some of us like myself want to actually HELP you, but you guys rarely want to listen. You instead want to complain to us about our gender and how unfair we’re being by not giving you a chance.

We don’t owe you anything.

On January 20th, 2025 and forward, they’re going to try to take our rights. They may succeed.

Men have to take from us because they’ve gaslit themselves into seeing us as the enemy, despite having driven us away by their own actions centered around self interest.

“It’s not all men. But it sure is a lot of you.”

[vimmark]

i'm pretty confident that 1) there will be a next game and that 2) it is going to include these things:

par vollen and the qunari

details on why they left whatever place they originally came from

maybe also details on how they came to have dragon blood, considering the adaari vs. storm situation is significant

whoever and whatever is across the amaranthine ocean

sea monsters (this one might be partly a wishlist item but it's not without basis)

a more significant time skip than we've had in any other game so far, and/or

a more significant geographic leap than we've had in any other game so far

the whole "the entire continent got wrecked" situation, besides being an inevitable result of a supercharged double blight, also serves as a way to hit the restart button on thedas overall. no matter what happened before now, it's fucked. that's what massive plagues do. but there are plenty of people left who want to fix things and rebuild in any way they can.

you can (dare i say should) read that as the closing scene of any other kind of disaster story. it plants the seeds (of hope or dread) for whatever's coming next. it didn't end long after all the dust had settled and with little bows wrapped around everything neat and tidy. it ended when the dust stopped getting kicked up (for the moment). it ended with "and now what?"

what's in and under all that dust:

the blight as everyone has always known it is over. the remaining wardens are going to do what they can to clean up and bring life back to thedas.

the rest of the blight is out of reach and being contained by someone pretty seriously invested in keeping it that way.

tevinter has a new archon, one of two people from a radical faction opposing everything the magisterium has upheld as the norm in the entirety of recorded tevinter history.

rivain is still closely tied to the qunari, as they have been for a long time, with former antaam either returning to the qun with new mindsets or turning away from it entirely and bringing their past with them.

the king of nevarra is dead, or something like it? the mortalitasi are probably fine with keeping things as they are for as long as they can. but there are no direct descendants, nevarran nobility has wanted both the pentaghasts and the van markhams away from the throne for a while anyway, and word's bound to get out sooner or later.

the crows' leadership has been heavily shaken up twice in the recent past. they might be changing their priorities, or taking more power than they already have to rule antiva as they see fit.

the majority of the south was destroyed by the blight. might be an anderfels-like situation there at this point, or maybe the wardens can do something about it.

either way, the south was so thoroughly fucked that the free marcher states united their forces to help. maybe they keep that going in some way, or maybe they all go right back to fighting each other for whatever power and resources any of them has left.

there's uncertainty and massive change happening everywhere, both forced and chosen. whatever way all that dust settles, it'll all be different than what was there before.

"and now what?"

we don't know! how fun! we know there's something new that isn't new at all, and we know it's coming. they've been playing the long game, the longest game possible, and they're ready to collect. the mess that's been made everywhere else benefits them in some capacity, and i'd wager we'll at least find out how.

this is a 15 year old game series with 4 existing entries. when it comes to reactivity, they're damned (by the budget and scope) if they do, and damned (by the angry masses) if they don't. the best way out of it might just be to let it go and take us somewhere else. i for one could not be more excited about that possibility. and if we do go back i would bet even more it'll come with that big time skip. i won't expect many familiar faces. and i'll look forward to all the new ones.

[genderqueerdykes]

my moms bisexual in denial but i dont think that counts

you know, it's an interesting conversation topic, because i just brought up my own mom who was in denial/in the closet about her identity, too. i do think it counts, even if someone hasn't come to accept it, themselves, because it's there and it's happening whether or not that person accepts it. obviously you don't want to tell your mom who they are and how they identify, but it can be pretty easy to pick up on someone who is queer but hasn't accepted it

my mom was exactly that, too. my mom was a closeted butch lesbian in denial. she would constantly tell me that she wished she could live with, date, and marry women. she told me numerous times throughout my life that she wished she could just marry a woman and surround herself with women. she was very butch, never wore makeup, barely wore accessories/jewelry, almost always wore men's clothes, or women's clothes that looked androgynous. always wore her hair short. she got very scared when i started presenting like a butch lesbian because she saw something reflected in herself that she was scared to admit. she even told me as a kid that i needed to not dress butch because people would assume she was a butch lesbian and call her out for it. you can see that the denial ran deep with her.

it's unfortunate because i feel like we really could've bonded over that, but she's not with us anymore. so all i can really do is think back on how she was too scared to live her true life, and how i just can't do that to myself. my mom lived in a progressive enough state that she would not have had much issue marrying another woman. but she was unfortunately scared to step out of the closet, and many people live those lives. my sister is the same as my mother. she has parroted the exact same things my mother has said, plus, when i was in high school, we had a day where we were supposed to wear a specific color to show support of queer students. when i asked my sister if she had a shirt in that color and explained why, she actually asked me

"Why would you support people who choose to be gay?" in utter confusion, i blinked at her, and went "What, do you wake up every day and choose to be straight?" and i kid you not, she proudly put her hands on her hips and said "Yes, I do!" it was so painful to witness. i wish I had told her "So you... aren't straight." i wish i had had the courage to tell her that's not normal and that if you have to wake up every day and choose to be a specific sexuality, you're lying to yourself. her perspective on queerness never really got better, espcially after i transitioned, but that's a story for another day. my sister blew my mind that day... i realized i had 2 queer family members who were scared shitless to admit it and instead of accepting it, they took it out on me.

sorry for the ramble, but i just wanted to bring up my own experience with this because i'v eknown my mom has been a closeted butch lesbian my entire life and it's something that moves me. she lived her entire life in denial, start to finish, and was never able to be herself. i'd say it saddens me, but it doesn't. it motivates me to always be my most authentic self. because living a life that's not yours isn't living. my mom could've potentially have been a much happier person, but fear kept her trapped in her misery. i don't want to do that to myself

[zippidi-dooda]

You smiled, reminiscing as you watched the stoic male scribble away at his desk. He dipped the nib into the dark jar, each swirl of the pen trailed by shimmering ink. His fingers were never dotted with mess and sleeves pristine.

For how many pages you'd seen, lines neat with dotted eyes and crossed 't's, his tilts and formalities were ever familiar.

You couldn't even keep track of how many you'd recieved.

But you did remember adoring them.

"Hey, Rollo? When am I getting my next note?"

"What?" He raised a brow, turning over his shoulder to look at you.

You padded across the wooden floorboards, placing your hands over the back of his seat.

"A letter. You never responded to my last one."

He set his pen down, shifting to better face you. "What's the need? Anything that needs saying can be done in person now that we're in the same house."

"Well, yeah," you sighed, "but you enjoy them don't you? No one really sends letters nowadays, it feels romantic."

An attempt to cover his blushing face was stopped by your hand on his.

"... it was simply for ease. Hand writing keeps one enriched. Besides it's safer." He turned back to the table. "Your meal's been prepared in the kitchen. If you favor something else, tell me, I'll only be a minute."

Your eyes watched him for moment, tracing the creases in his robes, the rare stray strands out place in his silvery hair, the light hitting him just right to envelop him in a warm glow.

Then you leaned forward.

Your arms wrapped around his shoulders, nose nuzzling into the soft heat between his chin and neck.

To say he was caught off guard would be an understatement. He practically jumped at your intrusion, tired eyes snapping down to you.

"What are you doing!"

You chuckled nuzzling deeper, "you've been working for a while, let me keep you company."

An uncomfortable noise buzzed in his throat.

He looked at the wall in front of him, a slender hand pressing over where your arms crossed.

"N-no ... that's alright. I just need to sign this before sending it out."

"What's it for?"

"... my parents."

You perked up, eyes looking up at him. "Parents? How sweet. You know, I don't think you've mentioned them much before ...."

He reached for his pen again. "Yes, well ... I do not see them much. Though, they're happy I'm doing well and write me often. Honestly, they worry too much."

You positioned your head on his shoulder, scanning his letter.

"Will I meet them someday?"

He flushed once more, eyes squinting shut. "I'd rather not. They'll probably put up more of a fuss."

His eyes drifted to his ruby ring on your finger.

A pause.

Then he sighed again.

"Though I suppose now's the safest time to tell them about about our ... predicament ...."

You straightened up, smiling.

"I think we should invite them for dinner."

"What!" He pushed back his chair. "Y/N we cannot do things on a whim. There are cues and expectat-"

"Oh, it's your parents, Rollo. If they write you I'm sure they'll be happy to actually see you again."

"Y/N, there are times where-"

You cupped his cheeks, squishing them to form his lips into a pout. "I'd like our son, daughter, or whatever, to know at least your parents since they can't know mine. And I'd like to know the people who created this perfect gentleman in my hands."

His nose twitched as you squeezed his cheeks for emphasis.

He desperately wanted to roll his eyes and storm out to make his own point, but instead he breathed deeply and looked to the side.

It wasn't that he didn't want you to see his parents, if circumstances were different he would've rushed you to them the instant you'd eloped.

But he didn't want to see them.

It was the reason he was so far away in the first place.

He couldn't stand to see them after all that had happened.

And he was certain nothing good would come out of it.

They'd tell you about ...

Well, the less you knew about him or his family the better.

Besides, focusing on the two of you and what was to come was best right? Yes, best to avoid adding stress factors to your soon to be unprompted hormones.

He pried your hands from his face and stood, "We'll see about invitations."

"I knew you'd come around! And I think-"

He wrapped his free arm around you, hand on your hip as he guided you away from his papers, "yes, yes, let's worry about keeping you in safe condition, those plates aren't going to clear themselves."

You chuckled, leaning into his arms as he led the way.

You both knew he had nothing to be so fretful for, but his readiedness regarding your well-being just made you feel to warm inside.

You couldn't think of a single thing about him there was not to be fond of.

... but he could

<< Prev | Next? >>

[imjustapoorwayfaringgeek]

OKAY. HOO BOY. uh. i usually don't post or reblog this kind of stuff because i genuinely hate fandom discourse and how idiotic people can be about stuff like this, but i totally agree with your take.

i even talked to a friend about this exact thing a few days ago. i will rant about it a little.

now people who know me know that there's no way i would be opposed to a gay ship for being gay, for rather personal reasons too, so i'm not going to explain why. but.

the fan service DID feel like fan service even though i knew they were gonna do it, i was expecting it, i knew it would be fan service. ive never really shipped any arcane ships but i was okay with all the mainstream ones like caitvi, timebomb and jayvik.

this season made me go from neutral about those ships to being positive about jayvik and timebomb while remaining neutral with a hint of "hmm..." about caitvi.

in my humble opinion arcane is a brilliant show with a few little ignorable negative traits, one of them being the pacing/handling the time they have.

usually i am really appreciative of how a short amount of time is used so fulfillingly in movies and series and such (12 angry men as an example) and i am in terms of arcane too. but when a show that uses every second to tell so many things like arcane includes a, i'd say, ill-timed fan service scene that is considerably long, it feels off.

because we could've had other things we really needed to see to understand the story better instead of that scene. i also personally wanted to see how ekko convinced jinx and how they built up the ship, how they got their makeovers etc, but it doesn't have to be about them either it could've been something else as well. i wouldn't mind. it still could've been a scene between vi and caitlyn but they could've executed it better.

edit: HELL I WOULD WANT A FEW MORE MORE EXPLAINING EKKO SCENES AT THE END BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM WHERE DOES HE LIVE IS HIS TREEOKAY ARE FIRELIGHTSSTILLTOGETHERHOWISHEDOINGDIDHEPAINTAMURALFORJINXWHATDOESHEDO THAT BOY DESERVES TO BE HAPPY MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING

can i just say i would’ve wanted this over the caitvi sex scene

or i would’ve given up about half that scene for a sliver of this

this is not me saying i don’t like caitvi or favoring timebomb over them; i have liked caitvi much longer, preferred it over like every other ship in the show for a good long while (fixating on timebomb, so i wouldn’t say i do currently)

but… i mean, a moment between them supposedly so intimate and close — showing what happened with them between the scene he stops her from setting off the bomb and their entrance into battle, vs a sex scene that felt more like fan service than anything? vi being locked in a jail cell after her sister practically tells her “hey i’m gonna go off myself you just stick right here”, seeing her sister depressed in the corner of the same cell, not eating or moving or doing much of anything other than harming herself (and literally being so at risk of suicide they took anything she could possibly do it with, but we won’t get into that) — would you be having sex in that same cell?

i mean, i liked the scene, from a romantic and emotional and intimate and blah blah blah standpoint

but there’s literally no explanation to how they got all dressed up and turned jinx’s hideout airborne, not even like a minute long montage

[year2000electronics]

about yer mario hottakes im rollin in with thoughts on the mario-luigi dynamic.

i've heard so many people go back and forth between them having this 100% perfect brotherly love VS. mario is evil and hates poor baby luigi but i think that maybe it's just they're both complex characters and mario deeply insecure

like that tennis scene where he grinds luigi's foot after luigi wins instead of him. when your whole livelihood revolves around being the kingdom's favorite boy it makes sense you might lash out at being upstaged even if that's fucked up as hell to do to anybody. and while luigi's allowed and expected to outwardly express his fears (at least from diary entries i've seen in the paper mario series and luigi's general "coward" persona), who the hell is listening to mario? he's probably seen how shit people treat luigi for being vulnerable anyway (we play as mario usually witnessing all this and like. bros are real yikes to luigi), so i'd imagine the bottled up bitterness at the world is hard to contain. resentment towards luigi for being emotionally open, resentment towards the denizens of the kingdom for treating his brother like crap when mario probably wouldn't be too different if it wasn't his job to be

i'd imagine the moments he cant contain his cool like that are deep regrets. sure, luigi would forgive him, but can he forgive himself? can mario contain himself long enough to not wig out, especially with everyone watching him 24/7?

idk if this is super off base, i don't go to this school. but imo put mario in therapy, you can't be strong for everyone all the time. you're just some guy

YEAHYEAH i think even if the middle section is YMMV i do agree with the general idea that "the bros' relationship is more complex than 'they love each other' or 'they hate each other'" . like ok. being the most BANAL of canon-compliant here to reel back my own insanity for a second. it is canon that mario gets a bit competitive with luigi/his friends! we see multiple art pieces/cutscenes depicting this

because they are siblings. and im gonna be so real here i latch onto any sort of flaw mario is ALLOWED to have due to his status as Mascot so you can pry "mario gets a bit too competitive" from my cold dead hands

he's also shown to be a bit impatient if he percieves something is taking too much time

(from super mario sunshine)

(from bowser's fury)

(from luigi's mansion 1)

so i definitely see his stubbornness and impulsivity clashing with luigi's careful methodical approach.

ALL THAT TO SAY. i think even if you're just playing by the rules, i think you don't have to JUST go for one extreme or the other. i agree. the rest is purely speculative fanon applying some depth to a character who functionally does not necessarily "need" it.

(but my personal playground space interp of mario and luigi absolutely has this sort of clashing dualism where both bros are really stressed out with the hand that life has given them and they're always thinking "my brother doesn't know how good he has it" but they love each other despite that, and that love makes them not want to talk about how they really feel, and that makes it WORSE, etc etc etc)

[seventeenlovesthree]

Since it's my personal mission to make everybody watch the Digimon Adventure Tri Stage Play, I dug up one of my favourite interviews again. I owe the producer my life, because he simply managed to create the best piece of Digimon Adventure media since Adventure itself (in my opinion almost as amazing as Our War Game and that MEANS something). However, I saw a few people being confused about a few things, so I wanted to clarify:

"Wait, is the Stage Play just Tri's story but done on stage?"

Nope, it does take place during the Tri era (between the third and fourth movie to be exact), but it is an original (side) story that can be watched without having any knowledge of Tri or Tri's plot.

"Does the story take place in the real or in the Digital World?"

That would actually be a spoiler and since there is no easy answer to this, I'm gonna say you have to watch it for yourself.

"Are the characters like in the original or like in Tri?"

That's the fun part - of course there are glimpses and pieces of the Tri characterizations, but the producer really did his very best to adapt the characters faithfully and as respectfully from the original source material as much as he could and I think you can feel that:

"To be honest, the generational timing was a little off for me, so I had never seen Digimon before. After I received the request for the stage play, I watched all of it, including the original TV series and the movie series, but I didn’t expect that I’d be crying so many times. It was a story of human growth and Digimon evolution being deeply intertwined, and I watched as that growth and evolution was overlaid with so many other things. Maybe it was because I watched it as an adult, but I was able to see it from all sorts of perspectives in regards to “people growing”. (...) While I’ve worked with other people’s stories and made plays out of them several times, it was usually in the sense of taking the original work’s story and repurposing it for the stage format. But for this one, even though I’m borrowing the original series’s characters, the story is being written from scratch, and it’s my first time writing words for characters that were created by other people. It was a high level of difficulty, and I still feel it even now. Also, it made me wonder how the scriptwriters for the anime must have done this. They were also writing the same characters in the same world, while sharing that job with tons of other people. It’s amazing that they were able to do that. But, naturally, it wasn’t just full of difficult and painful things, but once the story properly got going, I got to hear the lines I was writing in the voices of the characters from the original series, and getting to savor those kinds of moments was very fun. Someone like me, who works in the theatre field, gets to take over the job of writing the lines of characters made by others. And then I have Toei check over it, and we get even closer to the mark. So in other words, we bring these characters to life by sharing them between everyone. And especially in the case of Digimon, it was an interesting experience in that there wasn’t just one writer or director, but rather that everyone had their own version of Taichi and Yamato, and the dialogue was born from between all of that.

"Anything else I need to know?"

If you are able to see past some cringe, don't mind nostalgia baiting and are okay with a few... Questionable scenes in regards to the main antagonist (which you will definitely know if you've watched the original Adventure series), you will enjoy this.

Also, personally, I'd say this is the order of plot relevance of each human character, so if your favourite characters are in the top half of the list (and even if they're not), you are likely to have fun:

Taichi

Jyou

Koushirou

Yamato

Mimi

Hikari

Sora

Takeru

[wicked-yarn]

I gotta say it, I just gotta I’m 36 right now as of the point of me posting this and I have got to fucking say it. A lot of you fresh young queers and weirdos do not have the fucking steel it takes to be fucking weird as fuck. I say this as someone who went through this shit, hoping it’d be easier for other people and not a big deal at all. But uh, lemme just share some older stuff I suddenly fell in love with wearing cat ear headbands at 15, in 00′s My first cat ear headband and the one I wore until it’s death when I turned 17, was a Josie and the pussycats branded affair. It was soft and plush with yellow leopard ears and a black band with glued one studs. I WORE THIS FUCKER EVERY DAY!!! I wore it everywhere, I wore it to school when I had paid for a dress down day (hey kids does your school make you pay to wear normal clothes every now and then?) I wore them out to every event!!! And my parents fucking hated it. My mother always had some snide comment about how immature it was and my dad basically hinted that I was gonna get r*ped cause people would assume I was “that way”, not that he ever defined what that fucking was when asked. I got called a freak, a slut, a whore, a r*tard, every word under the sun while wearing these fucking things out and about all the time. But one day I went to the movies, I was 17 at this point and 2 years deep on wearing ears everyday, and a girl at the popcorn stand SHOUTED “OMG she has Kitty ears!! That’s so CUTE!!!” I felt a pride that validated years of insults and put downs!!! This one girl saw my ears and felt such excitement and joy she shouted across a room, and I know for fact girlfriend probably felt like she could finally wear kitty ears if she wanted too! when I turned 18, hot topic was selling hair clips with cat ears on them and the rest was history. Do I think I, personally, did this? GOD NO! There were probably hundreds of weird people wearing kitty ears until it was cool, I was just the only one in my area I knew of. But like.......just saying, I went through all of this...I got threatened with being locked in a mental hospital for dying my hair pink.....and I feel like so many people feel like that was nothing. They can dye their hair, wear whatever silly and fun thing they like and it’s normal,, but....can you not act like I did nothing? Nothing at all? The years of bullying I shouldered weren’t done in hopes of reward...but I didn’t expect to feel like such meaningless trash is all. I don’t want thanks or praise or anything like that....I just wannna stop feeling like I’m useless and meaningless at only 36. I was doing this only 20 years ago....why does it feel like the kids I babysat say it was ancient history?

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

Hi? Gosh how do I even start with this :'D

I know it's been ages since I've last popped up on here. I've been debating when to post this for a while, but I kept adding to my draft more and more and now it's the end of JULY omgg I felt so guilty disappearing with zero updates but then thought my birthday would be the best day to finally address this considering it'll feel less random? idk but Ive always celebrated my bday with you guys and I'd feel so bad answering your kind asks without me at least explaining why I was gone for months.

Truth be told, I was dealing with a lot of stuff irl. health issues and sudden declining grades that left me stumped and drained for months now- along with technical issues like having to replace some parts of my computer that took a while for me to find to even draw digitally, which I didn't have the time for anyway with how tired and weary I felt every day.

I'm frankly shaken up by a lot of shit rn and I don't know how to be active online with this burden on my chest- Especially as it's been a while since I've even looked at utmv related content and my motivation dwindled. I swear I'd hype myself up to post or reblog something- but I'd see just how much I've missed or the overwhelming amount of posts I'd need to go through and I'd feel so swamped with exhaustion and most importantly guilt, for not clearing the air up sooner to reassure you guys that I'm, y'know, alive, and not dead in a ditch somewhere. And I'd procrastinate cause typing it all out is hard and I'd give up halfway every time and it's just not fair to you all!

I thought I was handling it well when I started going out and socializing more, instead of staying cooped up at home on my computer all day. and in the first draft of this post I made months ago I was gonna detail some of the fun plans I had, for my life and for this blog :D but relaxing my strict study schedule and letting go a bit of my tight routine, thinking it was better than wringing myself dry to keep it up, backfired horribly, to say the least.

I know right?? so silly to be hung up on stupid shit like studies of all things! but this is a very important thing for me considering my career plans and the competitivity encouraged by everyone I'm surrounded by, the pressure of keeping up adding to my already stressful days. I had to fix myself up first and I couldn't handle the strain nor interact with people and thinking of jobs and exams sapped my energy so much it's frankly embarrassing. writing this feels so cheesy too and it frustrates me to know I could've come back a month earlier if it weren't for that, but I also know putting all of this into words then would just sound like incoherent venting (not that this is very different tbf) and I wasn't in the right headspace to address my absence, or anything really- I didn't want everyone to see me return when I couldn't muster up a genuinely positive message, let alone talk to anyone with a shadow of my usual cheer

I feel like a complete mess and It drives me up the wall how depressed I've gotten. I debated deleting this blog so many times 'cause the fear of disappointing my audience and my friends, for lack of a more fitting sentiment, made me feel even shittier. I'm constantly thinking if this wall of text is worth posting, or if it's better not to burden you all with all my sappy troubles as if it's the end of the world. Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm not trying to dramatize this situation, but I don't think I'm up to pretending I'm all sunshine and enthusiasm you're all accustomed to.

So sorry for worrying you all! I'll try to catch up, deliver some missed birthday gifts, and answer some asks while I'm at it! Again, I can't state how much I appreciate your support throughout the years. It's frankly a miracle I kept any of you around with how much I keep popping and leaving at random with no warning. I definitely can't promise for my stay to be without a hitch, and if you don't mind an inconsistent schedule you're free to stay of course, but I'm afraid I can't sustain the pace I had when I first started this blog. I'll keep posting art, but lower my activity in the fandom sphere to reduce the strain on my mental health. so fewer rants and walls of text, more art, and less stress overall. Love you all and thanks for waiting for this long <3

[thepoisonroom]

that post that's like "learning social skills helps with social anxiety" applies to dating also btw

[dye-it-rouge-et-noir]

"For particularly important things, it's always more reassuring to write them down like this." - Zhang Beihai

[ID in alt text]

[magentagalaxies]

JUST FOUND OUT I GET TO HANG AROUND WITH THE KIDS IN THE HALL BACKSTAGE THE FULL DAY OF THEIR TORONTO SHOW WOO!!!!!!!