#I don't care I'm sending this to global tags

[bontenten]

good girl

Pairing: Itoshi Sae x f!reader WC: 2k Tags/Warning: eating disorders, throw-up, yandere, manipulation, body-shaming, degradation, humiliation, drugs, pregnancy mention, eating disorders

a/n: read the tags, not my problem otherwise. :looksaway: anyways, fun fact, football/soccer is so insanely popular on instagram. ronaldo is the most followed account with 579M (the only individual to pass 500M, the other is the ig account), closely followed by messi with 457M. 2 football clubs and 2 other football athletes-ish are also on the top 50 list. i was genuinely amazed?

Happiness is sharing that meal with the man you love the most, global football star, Itoshi Sae. After so many years of hard work, Sae is finally the star mid-fielder for FC Barcha. He has so many commercial gigs, sponsorships, and invitations to special events and dinners. With Sae, you have tasted things beyond your wildest dreams. You cannot imagine a better version of your life than the one right now, next to him. 

It's glamor and perfection for a little while. One day, the news headline flashes "Itoshi Rin: Star Striker of Bastard München". That day, you see a new, unfamiliar expression on Sae's face. You don't have a word for it, but you can describe it as a peculiar mix of pride and disgust. But he's the only one you'll ever look at. The best in the world, to you forever. You think it's enough. 

Rin's debut in the global football scene is hailed as the birth of a genius and superstar. The same talk shows, magazines, and brands suddenly flock over to the younger Itoshi. And for the first time, since Sae has joined FC Barcha, the team walks away from the World Cup, defeated. The journalists sensationalized the entire match. The most circulated photo is none other than Rin mid-air about to send the final point into the goal. 

A week later, Itoshi Sae is no longer the most followed individual on Instagram. He's overtaken by Itoshi Rin, with over 600 million followers in a feat that has only been achieved by the platform's own page. Sae never seemed to care about details like that, since he rarely ever posts to his page. It's usually managed by a special team instead. But you find Sae looking at Rin's page, focused on a photo of Rin and a gorgeous woman pressed tightly to him,  a popular gravure idol now better known as Rin's girlfriend. You will never forget the scrutinizing look he gives you that evening.

The comments about your body and eating habits started crawling in. You don't realize it at first, thinking that of course, Sae would know more about gastronomy than you. He's been to so many more places than you and seen so many things. He's always careful with his food too, as an athlete. 

--

You kiss him back, eagerly guiding his hand toward the waistline of your panties. Sae rests his hands on your hip and stops.

"You've put on weight," he comments bluntly.

You're a bit confused and still a bit excited.

"M-Maybe. I'm getting my period soon, so I might be a bit bloated," you stammered. Seeing Sae's uninterested expression, you cross your arms to hide your body. "I'll run sometime this week, all good."

Sae ignores your suggestion and leans back against the headboard. "Did you take the tablets I got for you?"

You think back to the large capsules in the jar that you're supposed to take twice a day. "Oh, I forgot. I'll just take it tomorrow," you tell him, not wanting to travel all the way downstairs so late at night.

Sae groans and gets up. A moment later he returns with a glass of water. "Here, I went to get it for you. You have to take it on time every day."

He offers you three pills in his palm and you take one, except he gestures for you to take more. 

You look at him cautiously. "I think...I'm only supposed to take one."

A loud sigh escapes him. "But you keep forgetting, so just in case. It's fine. You won't overdose. They're like vitamins." 

"Okay." You swallow pill after pill after pill.

Sae smiles and presses a kiss on your forehead. "Good girl, let's go to bed now."

--  

A month after taking those pills, you notice your tastebuds drastically changing. Everything you eat tastes like ashes. For most meals, you try to swallow a few bites, but they go down like sandpaper. And then everything is heaved out not too long afterward.

Sae is with you each time, giving you encouragement and comforting you. He gives you water to rinse out your mouth. He tells you that you feel better now that extra waste is cleared. It's funny that the first time you threw up, you thought you were pregnant. And had the same thought the second time your period was late. 

Your period isn't late. It's just gone.

Your wardrobe also transforms. Sae brings back so many gifts often, filling your closet with designer outfits. You recognize a couple of the brands. You've seen the photoshoots of Rin and his girlfriend. He asks you if you want to try them on. You should have realized that Sae doesn't spend his time playing dress-up with you. 

"Do they have another size, Sae?" you ask nervously, trying to suck in your core as tight as possible.

You see him wrap his arms around you in the mirror, face resting in the crook of your neck. He shakes his head. "I can't take back something I bought already. Do you still like the styles?"

You give him a weak smile and concede. "Yea, they're pretty."

"Good. You look good in them," Sae whispers low in your ears. "Just have to lose a bit more. One day you'll fit them just perfectly."

Sae tells you how important it is to have a goal in mind and always focus on the big picture. And that he'll help you. Always.

--

More weeks pass by. You can't sleep at night anymore. Your feet are just always so cold, nothing you wear or do can warm it up at all. And you're so hungry, your sense of smell is so heightened that the air is palpable. The faintest trace of something has your mouth watering. After checking that the man next to you is sleeping soundly, you carefully tip-toe down the hall, avoiding the floorboard spots that will creak. It's a laborious feat when you also have a  sprained ankle.

In the darkness of 3 A.M., you find heaven and bliss. You grab at the frozen foods but pause at the thought of turning on the stove or oven. Sae will wake up. You spot a single ice cream popsicle left in the box. It's from the last time Rin visited. Expired, but it'll do. Sae won't pay attention to it. It won't hurt. You rip off the packaging savoringly the sweetness and cold tingles that seem to bring life back into your body. For the first time, something doesn't taste like chalk. Stay quiet, Sae will wake up. 

"What do you think you're doing?"

Your eyes flick toward the direction of the voice where a dark figure is leaning against the wall. Sae is up. Each step adds to the lump in your throat. The ghostly fridge light illuminates part of him gradually until the displeasure that's written across his face is revealed. Tears began to prickle in your eyes and stream down.

"S-Sae, I'm—I'm so hungry," you sobbed, curling into a ball. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Shhh," Sae coos, using his thumb to swipe your tear away. You're still apologizing between each breath when he wipes the edges of your mouth that are smeared with ice cream. "I know, baby, I know. I know it's hard."

Sae never raises his voice at you. He's always so gentle and extra affectionate in moments of your vulnerability. He reaches for the ice cream pop you're gripping in your hand and takes it from your grasp. He licks the melting trail and finishes the treat in a couple of bites. You don't dare to look at the wooden stick that is the reminder of your late-night exploit. You wish you ate a bit faster.

Sae crouches to your level and waves the little stick in front of your face. "You're not a child. Snooping around late at night for things you know you're not supposed to eat? It's bad for you. Sweets have to be earned."

"Yes, I know," you whisper, ashamed, eyes fixated on the square tiled floors.You hear fabric rustling and soon bright light shines in your eyes. You see the latest picture of Rin and his girlfriend at the beach.

"It's tough love, but take a good look at her." Sae scrolls through a couple of their latest photos. "Look how skinny and sexy she is. See that collarbone? You can drink out of that. Now look at you."

His comments shatter you and you begin to sob. He stands up and continues, "If I wanted just any slutty bitch, I would have ten in my arms right now."

You know he is right. Women fawn over him whenever the two of you go out. At events or just on the streets. Even without his reputation as a football icon, Sae is a gorgeous man. 

You don't have anything left after meeting Sae. Your family and friends are left behind. Your schooling and your job are all set aside. If he doesn't want you anymore, what are you even worth? You panic. "I know Sae. I'm sorry, I'll do better. I swear." 

You really mean it, truly. You feel terrible. 

Sae’s voice softens. "You know why I still choose you out of all of the girls?"

You shake your head.

"Look at me."

You don't move.

"Look at me, baby."

He lifts your chin and your eyes fix on him. His teal eyes seem to glow.

"Because you're a good girl," he says firmly. So assured like it's the most obvious truth in the world. "You're a good girl, yes?"

You nod shakily. 

"You have to look good, so I also look good, understand? Say something." 

You nod again, biting back the tears that are trying to spill. But you manage to choke out a quiet 'yes'.

"When I'm good, we're," he gestures at the space between the two of you, "good. So, don't ruin this for us."

He hands you the popsicle stick. "If you make a mistake, you have to fix it. Then you have to learn from it. It's the same thing as football. I know it's hard, but I also know you can do it. Prove me right."

You crawl up to your feet and prepare to make your way to the bathroom. Except Sae stops you. "Do it here. You made your mistake here."

You take a deep breath and open your mouth. You take two fingers and try to reach the back of your throat. It's the first time you try to induce your gag reflex by yourself. Usually, you just throw up on time or Sae helps. You look towards Sae. He motions at the popsicle stick. So, you try again. This time, the birchwood presses on your tongue.

"That's it," he encourages, "keep going."

You feel the lurch. It comes in dry, just a wave of nausea. You stick the stick a bit deeper in your throat. This time the reaction is a bit more visceral. A few violent gurgles later, acidic cream spills out and splatters onto the floor. You hurl a few more times, just pure bile and some unidentifiable remnants of something. Tears blur your vision and the inside of your nostrils burn. 

"Now clean it up and think about what you did wrong."

You scramble up and limp over to kitchen towels to wipe up your mess.

"I...shouldn't have snuck out at night to...eat ice cream," you confess out loud. "I shouldn't have...eaten..."

"Good job," Sae compliments you, taking the soiled towels from you to throw away and handing you a glass of water and a capsule. "Now you'll never forget. Lessons are only useful if you'll get something out of them. I can see the change in you already."

This is the warm Sae that you love. His smile brings so much joy to you, especially when he is smiling because of you. You sip on the water, expertly swallowing the pill, and nod eagerly. "I'll lose more, Sae. I'll look pretty for you."

Sae smiles and pokes your cheeks. "That's my girl. It's for your own good too, you'll look very pretty when you can fit in the dresses I buy for you."

You bury the thoughts about the sharp pain in your chest and dull ache in your ankles. All that matter is Sae and his love for you. You can lose everything and anything but that.

[brits4gerardway]

🛸INTRO POST👽

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[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Your tags re: the Woolman article are making me think about some things... No need to respond to this--I'm just sending it over in case you have some insight, as someone who's constantly living and breathing and thinking about these things.

I've often considered my comfort a matter of physical safety. I have multiple compounding disabilities (a lot of them undiagnosed, not a lot of access to competent medical practitioners in my life) which generally directly translate mental stress & physical exertion into negative health outcomes. Insomnia, inability to process nutrients and resulting significant weight loss, joint pain and instability, constant swelling of my lymphs and tonsils, autonomic dysregulation, fatigue and muscle weakness, decreased immune function, and more. When I was working outside of the house regularly, my health was incredibly poor; when the new coronavirus hit and I was forced onto SSI, I was able to move in with a caretaker/partner and my required activity level has gone significantly down. I gained over 30 pounds, started sleeping regularly, stopped subluxing, no longer experience sensory meltdown, and went from getting contagiously sick once or twice a month to once or twice a year.

But my activity level is now only possible because I rely on the structures I think are abysmally unethical. My daily routine involves very light housework, emotional care and trauma work for my partner, and sedentary hobbies like writing poetry. I can't even do useful hobbies that require fine motor skills (i.e. sewing), because of my sustained tremors and dyspraxia. I don't cook, and I rely almost entirely on prepackaged foods and delivery services. We have a small garden, and I work in it occasionally, but nowhere near enough to grow our own food, apart from some tomatoes (very easy plant to care for where I am, but does not a divestment from industrial agriculture make). We've chosen not to care for animals because I don't think I could comfortably manage them. In fact, I do not do much of anything that involves exiting my front or back door, as my sensory overload is strongly triggered by direct sunlight and causes genuine physical pain--something that has become much more difficult to deal with ever since I stopped subjecting myself to it daily.

Frequently, I feel hypocritical for, for example, having a principled and genuinely *angry* opposition to the global supply chain and my principles being in favor of divesting from it and hoping it breaks down entirely--and yet, I myself won't divest from it, because of my own comfort. Because at the end of the day, I certainly wasn't dying before. Perhaps I could re-train myself to not feel the sensory overload I am now so sensitive to--when I was used to experiencing it every day, I barely even noticed it, and things like sunglasses do take the edge off. I was not *dangerously* underweight, just enough to make my life slightly more difficult. Getting sick so frequently was frustrating, but I could significantly up my activity level without upping my socializing or generally being around others, which would make it less likely I reach the level of contagious sicknesses that I was at pre-coronavirus.

The point of all of that being, I have been mulling over this for quite some time, and now I'm considering the matter even more intensely. I have been primarily socializing in online disability support groups for a very long time now, and this kind of talk is always met with the assertion that my comfort is more important than my principles above all else. That I should care for myself, make my life as comfortable as possible, because disabled people deserve to be happy. I agree with that. But simultaneously, my happiness should not come at the expense of others' *lives,* and while I cannot actually stop those people from being exploited and dying, individually, I still resonate with your statements... that my principles are important to live by, and even moreso, that we *must* make the decision to be comfortable with discomfort to destroy these systems to begin with--all of us, individually. I wonder where the threshold is for "comfort" vs "safety" when you are someone whose discomfort can be physically dangerous. How does one assess that danger? Where does one draw the line? I am in the process of feeling out that line... but where are the rules for how to draw it, where are the guidelines... Has anyone even written any?

I appreciate you sharing your insights with the Internet as a whole, allowing me access to them and expanding my worldview. Once again, certainly no pressure to offer any on this ridiculous essay of an ask specifically. This is a matter I will surely be journaling about!

Honestly Anon? I love you for this. You've given me the space to say out loud things I very rarely acknowledge to anyone other than my wife and my therapist. Not because it's private or shameful, but because it's just....so goddamn hard???? To figure this shit out.

Simple answer Anon: we all have to make that judgement call for ourselves based on our values, our needs, and our circumstances. We cannot, and should not, prescribe judgement calls to others, because we can never fully know what their relationship with those factors is like. I meant what I said about needing to refuse to share your power with a system that wields violence in a SUSTAINABLE way, maybe even your whole life. That doesn't mean "strip every connection out and then deal with the consequences until you find a new normal" though. It means "for every place you don't HAVE TO utilize a connection, don't, and be REALLY honest about what "have to" means to you."

Long answer: I have lived a "homesteader" life for poverty and access reasons during my childhod. And now, as an adult, I am returning to it after the sweet joys and freedoms of modern infrastructure, NOT because of poverty, but because of being middle class with an autoimmune disorder that nearly killed me at least twice in the past 5 years. In both cases, there were parts of life that absolutely still relied on systems of power (as a kid, for example, my mom bought me all my clothes through thrift shops for as long as she could, but my body type has always been a bit unusual and by the time I was 10 we had to buy clothes from your standard department store - usually a sears or every once in a while a kohls, and it's not like we weren't aware of the clothing industry's impact on the environment and human life globally. As an adult, I currently depend HEAVILY on technology, and for all that I am a huge advocate against the ongoing atrocities in Sudan and DRC in part due to their geographical role in tech, research, and development from rare earth mining, I also literally cannot survive in the world right now without semi-current tech due to communication needs, work needs, healthcare beeds, etc.)

This is not to say "if I can do it, so can everyone else!!1!" (Obvious bullshit I have no interest in selling yall). But it IS to say that there are so many different reasons and ways that people withdraw their power from systems of violence. For example, people who undergo the process of removing themselves from the public workforce and accessing state or federal financial aid are absolutely withdrawing their (e.g.: labor) power from systems of violence. The fact that your (e.g.: finanancial) power may be placed in various access points, resource pots, etc., really isn't a BAD thing, it's just the reality of being human.

To one extent, this is why I talk about (and try to engage as much as possible in) mutual aid the way I do. It would be literally an impossible demand to tell someone they have to completely withdraw their contributions to and from society in order to have opinions about systems within that society being abusive or unacceptable. The idea that you (or you, or him, or her, or them, or me, or it, or ANYONE) should need to be completely self-sufficient as an individual or a household in order to demand change from resource systems is ultimately one that opressive systems themselves put forward in this twisted all-or-nothing portrayal of autonomy. To buy into that framework is to accept their claim that there is no other way to do things besides theirs or Alone and Unsupported. And we all need to work REALLY hard to remember what utter fucking horseshit that is.

So instead of shaming yourself for being a human being with survival needs you don't want other people to have to die for, focus on asking yourself what you ACTUALLY need, at the literal survival level. Then take the time to think of as many different ways you could meet those needs as possible, even the obviously unreasonable ones. Think about WHAT MAKES THEM unreasonable. Is it an intersection with another need? A societal construct (money, respect, family structure, etc)? A logistical/environmental issue? What would it look like to problem solve for any of those? What is EFFECTIVE at addressing the barriers and what is ACCESSIBLE at addressing the barriers? Figure out, realistically, what it would mean to take the autonomy and choice of each factor FULLY into your hands.

So that way, when you make a decision, you know you've made one based on what is as in line with your values as possible, while taking into account your needs and your circumstances, on a case by case basis. A conscious, thoughtful level. Whatever the outcome is, that's ultimately less important than the fact that you really took the time to observe, understand, and actively participate in the process of impact on the world living your life will inevitably have.

"There is no ethical consumption under capitalism" doesn't mean, as some allege it is understood or used as, "ethical consumption is impossible therefore do whatever you want," it means "your existence and its interaction with the existences of others, whether direct or indirect, WILL have an impact, and not all of that will be good, or within your control, so don't waste time trying to be perfect when what you need to be is respectfully and compassionately INTENTFUL."

So what does that look like for me?

Well, I have an autoimmune disorder, intermittent chronic organ failure, constant pain and frequent limited or restricted mobility, and can't let anything touch a mucus membrane that I don't know the EXACT ingredients of.

So long before a return to homesteading, or COVID, or anything else that's happened in the last 5yrs, I had already been put in the position of needing to be EXTREMELY aware of the origins and distribution chains of everything I came in contact with. I had to start making my foods, drinks, hair and skin care products, hygeine products, hell my own fucking PET FOOD sometimes to cut out potentially lethal exposures to substances I could no longer interact with. And while that list STARTED at 3, it has only grown since, and I now maintain strict isolation from. Well. Basically everything and everyone. It. It sucks, Anon, gonna be honest. I genuinely don't want to do most of it, and between the constant pain, the brain fog, the ADHD, the intermittent flareups that leave me bedridden, etc, my life has basically been nothing more than an endless game of catch-up since I was about 23.

I *am* catching up tho.

Like, one of the things that's really stuck out to me through the near-decade long process is how the every step more distant you take from these systems makes the next step easier.

My first step was removing gluten and corn from my diet, and boy howdy let me tell you, there is NOTHING left for you that you don't make from scratch if you need to avoid both. Your life as "normal" kinda just. Ends there. You know?

Like, I'm about 9yrs into this change in particular, and once or twice a month I STILL manage to bring home something from the market that ends up having a gluten ingredient that got missed in the first scan because I got careless because why the FUCK do egg salad and hair shampoo have wheat flour in it STEVE??????

So the idea of buying any ingredient or food item that has been processed in any way beyond basic cleaning and transport just comes with this inherent thrill of terror every time. And god, the THINGS that I have to CARE about???? Literally, it depends on severities and who you ask, but there are real conversations being had in celiac circles about having to raise their own chickens because COMMERCIAL EGG LAYING CHICKEN FEED HAS WHEAT IN IT AND SO THEY REACT TO THE EGGS???? Nightmares, I'm telling you.

All this to say, the more often the stuff you bring home from the outside world inches you closer to death, the more motivated you are to have a complete understanding of the entire lifespan of anything you come in contact with. The easier it is to just. Do it all your damn self. Not because it's ACTUALLY easy mind you, but because you just don't have the emotional strength to keep pushing back on the sneaky, magical thinking based idea that if you just do it all yourself maybe being alive will hurt a little less. So it's probably not a surprise to anyone that my end goal here is to retreat to about 100+ acres of conservational land that I can slowly restore with edible, astringent, and fiber plants indigenous to the land's ecosystem and then just spend my days puttering around eating nuts and berries and amaranth and spinning thread or weaving cloth for bandages and blankets.

But I can DO that in part because I'm NOT doing it alone, or even just with my own household. I work with friends, colleagues, community resource programs, and everything else to make this stuff happen. I do everything I reasonably can to sustain my life as it needs living in ways that allow me to only depend on infrastructures of systemic violence as a conscious concession that I lack other survivable long term options. And I keep my evolving needs and circumstances in mind in case that ever changes in a way I can take advantage of.

I dunno, I guess....I've lived life a lot of different ways now, and I've come to understand the world really differently. One of the most meaningful frameworks for change I use now isn't eliminating or stopping something, but just. Lessening it.

When we were homeless for a while, we lost basically everything we owned. I think we had a handful of blankets, clothes, the pets, the car, a couple of personal treasures we managed to keep on us, and that was it. And we've stabilized now, but that doesn't mean we can afford things like furniture or dishes or clothes or whatever. Not unless we need them. So we make do with thrifted whenever we can and we also just. Make do without. We haven't had a couch in about 3-4 yrs now. It just wasn't a priority. Same with a dining table or chairs or the like. We have a bed! For a long time it was just a mattress from a lady selling them out of her garage and then we got some box springs, and now we have an actual bedframe! We each have a work desk and chair that's really it tho. A whole house now, and maybe 7 pieces of furniture in the whole place.

It's kinda similar with dishes and clothes. If you have to handwash all your dishes with special hypoallergenic soap that costs. Just so much more. Than normal dishsoap would. You're gonna start being really inventive about your dishes. My wife and I have what I like to call "service for 4" meaning we have 4 plates, 2 bowls and two tupperwares, two pans (1 cast iron, 1 ceramic, same size different functions), two pots (a 4cup stock pot and a 3gal stock pot), a full sheet baking tray, 3 mugs and a few washed jam jars, four of each sppon/knife/fork, and 2 nice butchering knives. Basically all of them are thrifted or gifts. And I could fit almost the whole lot piled together in the 3gallon stock pot for washing as needed. If you have to wash all your clothes in a basin while you shower, and hang them out to dry, you benefit from having only about 2-3 outfits worth of clothes that you can spice up with accessories instead of new combos, that way someone can do a basin full of washing each day and you'll more or less keep up with the pace of laundry. Missing days will happen, but they won't pile up as badly, are easier to recover from, and can - in a pinch - just be taken to a laundromat and dealt with for less than $10.

My floors are all (as much as possible) hardwood, because it's much easier to just put on my dusting or mopping slippers and "skate" around for a while to clean the floors than it is to lug around a vacuum I can't carry or use without pain.

I'm lucky enough to live on land with a creek, a well, and henhouse, so I thatch the henhouse floor with $5/bale clover hay from a local farmer once a week, and keep enough chickens on a rotation to cut down our protein costs and eliminate our egg costs. We're (wifey and me) building a fenced in run this weekend around the hen house so the hens can start foraging for food daily and we can cut back on feed (the area is already planted with lots of lovely chicken safe plants and I figure I'll keep cultivating that for them with replantings as necessary. That way, we can just let them out in the morning and close them back in (if we bother) at night, and top up a 25lb feeder once a week when we change the hay over again. The hay we clear out goes into the garden for mulch and fertilizer, and in turn the chickens get bundles or herbs and veggies and other snacks to supplement their forage and feed. It's an involved first year or so, but once the system is set up it's actually remarkably self-perpetuating.

And a lot of the ways I've changed my life are like that. Intensive to set up right, but shockingly low impact on day to day life once established. And sure it adds up, but like. So do the benefits.

I'm the healthiest I've been in years.

That doesn't always FEEL like much because things do still very badly wrong for me about once a month.

But it used to be daily. I used to push myself through a system of functioning that DID depend largely on these external hierarchical systems, and STILL come up short of resources in the end while experiencing daily symptoms. The more I've removed myself from those systems, the more I've removed their IMPACT on me, both positive and negative. And. At least in my case. It turns out there was always a LOT more negative than positive. I just. Didn't get to see and assess my alternatives, so it was harder to notice. Depending more on subsistence and community systems has turned out to be REALLY healthy for me.

I think part of that has also been learning how to create alternatives out of spaces that feel like voids. It's made it easier for me to cultivate a life of intentional accommodation by familiarizing myself with the process of initializing them.

And I think if that's NOT how you're experiencing your withdrawal of power from systems of violence, then you're not ACTUALLY meeting the needs you are trying to find replacements for OUTSIDE of that system. Maybe you can right then or maybe you can't! But either way it's worth asking why hurting yourself helps anyone else.

Praxis is uncomfortably complex in its simplicity: bring as much safety and compassion and collaboration to your world as you can.

It does include safety, compassion, and collaboration towards OURSELVES as well, after all.

[midnightprelude]

I posted 640 times in 2022

27 posts created (4%)

613 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@hexcore-juggler

@storybookhawke

@johaeryslavellan

@mdzsartreblogs

@miindli

I tagged 626 of my posts in 2022

Only 2% of my posts had no tags

#dragon age - 389 posts

#da art - 386 posts

#dragon age inquisition - 172 posts

#dragon age 2 - 162 posts

#dorian pavus - 150 posts

#anders - 119 posts

#our flag means death - 53 posts

#hades game - 52 posts

#ofmd - 47 posts

#blackbeard - 43 posts

Longest Tag: 91 characters

#i am watching the fandom trying to decide a ship name in real time and i like that one best

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Would there be any interest in a small indie author writing support group on discord? Specifically geared towards people looking to publish in the near future and especially lgbtq+ authors and authors who write lgbtq+ works!

15 notes - Posted November 28, 2022

#4

Thinking of holding another Dorian centric event this spring and wondering if folks have preferences for event type? Could be a prompts event, Big Bang, competition, or exchange? I’m also open to ideas!

23 notes - Posted February 19, 2022

#3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/36437791

Saturday morning Patrochilles feels because I JUST finished TSoA and I’m not alright. 🥺😭

40 notes - Posted January 15, 2022

#2

First drawing in a very long time (maybe of the year)! Trying to get a hang of a different style and of course I had to start with Dorian and Anders. :)

47 notes - Posted August 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Ukraine Relief Charity Commissions

I never do writing commissions, but in light of the war in Ukraine, I've decided to make an exception. I'm going to be offering a limited number of writing commission slots in exchange for a donation of $20+ USD to any of the organizations listed below.

These will be ~1k written works for original fiction or any of the following fandoms:

Dragon Age, CQL/The Untamed, The Song of Achilles, The Magicians, Hades Game, or Horizon Zero Dawn (I'm barely into HFW so I can't really write to that).

I'm willing to write any rating, but have specific subjects I'm uncomfortable with. I reserve the right to refuse commissions that I don't think I can do justice and will do so before accepting the slot.

How it works:

Confirm your slot with me via tumblr, Twitter, or discord

Send me your idea and I'll make sure it's something I can write

I'll work on an outline or concept and send it back

Send me a receipt of your donation

I'll finish up your work in 1-2 weeks, depending on time and will communicate if I get behind.

If you're a creative of any sort and would like to help in this effort, please let me know! I can create a master list of posts for people taking charity commissions for any sort of creation (art, writing, moodboards, music, etc.). Also, please feel free to use my banner.

Charity Organizations (subject to change):

1. CARE's Ukraine Crisis Fund:

2. Global Giving's Ukraine Crisis Relief Fund

3. Save the Children's Ukraine Crisis Relief Fund

126 notes - Posted February 25, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

Thanks for the tag, @johaeryslavellan! I was glad to see you on my top reblogs, too! <3 Tagging forward to @dismalzelenka!

[eeboshmeebo]

About your bio psychologically speaking the human brain has a very difficult time determining fiction from reality. You can identify the differences but the feelings you feel towards fiction is just as real as what you feel in the same real life scenario.

So allowing yourself to indulge in pro ship content (like pedophilia, incest and abusive relationships) isnt at all better then indulging in it irl! Your still messing yourself (and others) up mentally. Like you said in your bio it could be a response to something that happened to them irl but just because that may be the case dosent mean its okay. Instead they should seek professional help and not indulge in harmful fan creations on the internet

Im not mad nor am I trying to lecture you but I assumed you might not have known this information so I thought id let you know.

(Also pro shipping isnt to be confused with multi shipping which is similar but dosent promote or approve of any of the shipping relationships i mentioned earlier)

If you want to verify my sources just look it up on google and every reliable source agrees (at least with the whole brain cant determine fiction from reality)

(This is ment to be light hearted and not rude so i deeply apologize if it comes across that way)

Thanks for not being mean about it! I think. I don't know how to read underlying messages.

Anyways! I'm a neutral proshipper, which means I don't support all of these ships and stay away from problematic ones, but I won't go out of my way to ruin people's days or harass them because of their opinions.

I'm not into anything they indulge in, but they're human, just like me. They're messed up, like me! I bit someone because I didn't have enough self-control once in school!

However, I believe in people changing. Sometimes they don't but as long as people don't actively tell others to kill themselves over it or they're careful with the tagging so the wrong crowd doesn't see it, I'm fine.

Also I just got out of this new chinese novel that I think's pirated. Thoughts? It sounds so generic but it's okay.

[Global Blessed Land: I Can Add Attributes On The Buildings Novel - Read Global Blessed Land: I Can Add Attributes On The Buildings Online For Free - Novel Bin]

Edit: wait you're using the browser full of AI stuff? Wild. All I'm getting is .com sites, and the only ones that can be safely trusted without misinformation are .gov or .edu OR .org sites. Government, education, or organization sites on mine. do you mind sending another ask with some of the sources please?

[tattlebentency]

hi! xenogender individual here. i didn't like the fact you're posting this in mogai/xenogender tags. i was looking for labels for myself, and i found your post. i felt awkward, but it almost looks like you're looking to be attacked online (which actually happened)

i'm sorry about the death threats other trans folk are sending you. nobody deserves that. that's horrible, i hope you are okay. about the meme: this almost seems like internalized transphobia, you know? not because of the xenogender part, i'll ignore that for now. because of "i'm trans, but i need to show society i'm normal". i don't know you, buddy. but i'm normal.

it almost seems like you think you're conflicted between your identity and societal expectations of "normalcy". you might be afraid of being discriminated or judged.

however, every trans journey and experience is unique. it's important that trans folk embrace authenticity and explore aspects of their identity without worrying about society and gender roles. about xenogenders? well, you know. experiences.

transgenderism and neurodiversity walk hand in hand. 1 in 44 people are autistic. that's a lot! and you know what's funny? based on the global population, warrier et al.2021 estimate somewhere between 3-9% of transgender and gender-diverse adults may be autistic. trans individuals are 3-6x more likely to be autistic. they are more likely to have a comorbid neurodiversity, also! higher percentage (than cis individuals. hell, even afab, who usually mask their symptoms) suspect undiagnosed autism. autistic children/adolescents are 4 times more likely to be gender-diverse. MOGAI means marginalized orientations, gender alignments and intersex. people who aren't straight/cis/perisex (who didn't feel connected to the LGBTQIAP+ meaning anymore) made the acronym, you certainly know that, yeah? xenogenders are mogai, and they were made with the intention of crafting other methods of categorization and hierarchy. were made for individuals with NDs, but they can be used by anyone. neurodivergence affects how we perceive ourselves and gender.

while xenogenders can be hard to understand, they were made because someone struggles to find a label that fits their identity. like me. their life experience doesn't simply define by male, female, neutral, etc. describing their experience by something else completely different helps.

you may not understand, that's okay. some things we don't understand. you're ND and can describe your gender well? good! i'm also ND, but my gender is way more than that. i personally see my gender as an amalgamation, an abomination. that doesn't mean my gender is invalid. my gender? i see it as everything and nothing at all at the same time. and HELL, i am fuckin' proud of it.

imagine that a friend saw a movie that you didn't. they say it was amazing, because of something they experienced in that movie. is their experience invalid just because you didn't watch it yet? think about it.

i saw that one reblog, and i think i should comment too! xenogenders aren't the reason the society doesn't takes us seriously. they never took us seriously. society doesn't give a shit, and lgbtphobia isn't our fault - it will never be.

if you think that the MOGAI movement hurts a "real" trans person... what do you qualify as someone who's a real trans person? dysphoria? the world medical association, the world health organization, the american psychological association, and many others agree that not all transgender people suffer from dysphoria, therefore it is not a requirement for being trans.

TLDR; don't put discourse in xenogender tags!!! i hope you get well of your internalized transphobia. society doesn't care about us, stop trying to please who doesn't deserve it

I felt a little salty about this today.

[grassangel]

I rambled on twitter yesterday...

Watching the Master's death from LotTL, as it's on the official YouTube channel now, and I'm honestly proud that Moffat made the Doctor and the Master's relationship text, rather than relying on uncomfortably extreme close ups to imply the literal closeness of their relationship.

Because, yeah, the Master dying in Ten's arms was ICONIC and made me ship it, never mind what fandom told me afterwards about their previous history and intimacy with each other. Or that bit about being kept and taken care of, which still fascinates me and I'm still not over. (In fact I find that moment even more enthralling in the wake of the Vault arc and how it ended. Death doesn't stop me wanting to see it being explored even MORE.)

But Missy slamming the Doctor against a wall and snogging him? Then, hours later, kissing her back in gratitude? And then they both state it's complicated between them, but implying that it's definitely a Thing, even if neither of them are ready to commit to defining what it is? That happened. Doctor/Master is a thing in the canon of the show now. It's real in a way that makes a part of me slightly confused and have a hard time processing that it is canon because this doesn't happen. My ships don't become text like this.

Because it's now possible for the Doctor to get all teary about their friend, about how they had 70 years together and how it wasn't, will never be, long enough and it wouldn't be new or contradictory. The nature of the relationship may be ambiguous, but it's CANON.

And, perhaps importantly, it's a current relationship. Not something that happened a long time ago that has been buried by enmity, but something they were both trying to build together. They were both using present tense when talking about them being friends. It's not something that can be swept away by saying that it was in the past, or skimmed over due to lack of detail. Those kisses happened! The dinner date in the vault happened! Those clasped hands happened!

It's canon.

Though points to Moffat for doing it in the most Moffat-y way possible. I poke fun at the acronym for not accepting the Sherlock s4 ending as basically a marriage anyway, but I got duped by basically all of 12's era doing the same thing

[sole-soul-survivor]

2p and 1p England Imagines - Compare and Contrast (Pt. 2)

(Absolutely no one asked for a second Compare and Contrast between the 1ps and 2ps, but it's doing so well that I figure some people might actually yk, like it!)

Link to Part one: 2p and 1p America Imagines - Compare and Contrast

Gen info:

-Arthur has Depression

-Oliver is a Narcissist

- both are trans, Arthur is afab and uses He/Him pronouns, Oliver is amab and uses He/They!

1p England = Arthur Kirkland

2p England = Oliver (Ollie) Kirkland

Sealand = Peter

Sweden = Berwald

Finland = Tino

2p America = Allen

(TW: probably mentions of Cannibalism and depression)

General info: canonical ages, look like in their twenties, etc, (you get the gist)

Appearances:

Arthur has shaggy blonde hair that poofs up when humid. He has naturally dark eye bags that make him look chronically tired (tm), his posture usually depends on his mood but he generally tries to remember the etiquette he has learned over the centuries, when confident you can tell. Very posh looking posture and haughty to the bone. When he's feeling down he slouches easily and usually keeps his hands in his pockets. His aesthetic and clothing choice is either 80's grunge, or dark Academia, no in-between. He has his (thick) eyebrow pieced on his left side, his septum, and his ears pierced. He usually wears little diamond studs. He has a crown tattooed on his ankle. Has the very generic 'posh' english accent.

Ollie has strawberry blonde hair he sometimes dyes pastel pink! He usually takes a flat-iron and curls it up to be puffy- he gets inspiration for his hair from the 'fluffy altboy hairstyles' tag on Pinterest. He has a face FULL of freckles but they make him so self conscious he usually covers them up all together. His posture is either extremely bouncey and happy go lucky, to the point he almost literally skips instead of walks, or he's very deflated, will walk with a hunched back and slow steps (think of Pinky Pie's mood drops, yk?). His aesthetic is nearly Pastel Goth/soft boy, but primarily light Academia based. He uses clip on earings when he wants them because he's terrified of needles. And has that very boisterous Cockney-English accent.

Personality:

Arthur is a very fiery spirit but likes to appear he's calm and collected. Will absolutely do any dare but will call you an idiot for it the entire time. Man's has a lot of wisdom but is quick to anger, has a short temper for people who are ignorant. His anger never gets physical but usually manifests as a manic/depressive episode. He cares a lot how others perceive him and has a lot of self-doubt since his glory days of being a global super power came to an end. He has seasonal depression that actually starts in the summer (around July 4th, you understand why). He loves children but isn't terribly patient with them, can't spend more than a a few days with Peter before he sends him back to Berwald and Tino.

Oliver is usually very high-spirited, but honestly this guy is a little off his rocker in a not good way. He has a terrible problem with his self image and how he appears to others and tries very hard to come off as a doting, caring, whimsical character when he's mainly very brash and honest to the point he comes off rude without meaning to. He will go as far as manipulating you into believing he is these things by using tactics like guilt-tripping and villanizing himself to victimize himself. "I appreciate you thinking so highly of me, not many people ever do. So I'm glad you don't, because I wouldn't be able to deal with myself if you didn't like who I was." (Yk) arguably the darkest of all the 2ps in my opinion. Which is why I love his character so much. He doesn't have very many redeeming qualities and he knows it. He's also very easy to anger, but doesn't react violently (at first). His anger manifests as sobbing and crying to help get sympathy on his side, ESPECIALLY during an argument. When he notices that fails he will resort to a violent tantrum that sometimes ends up with a new batch of his secret ingredient cupcakes. (I'm still running with the idea he's a cannibal who forces cannibalism - which is why Allen is vegan). Pretends to like kids buy as soon as one doesn't do exactly as he says he can't stand their presence. Being a narcissist means he has to have control over his own life and those he's close to because they affect his life too.

Likes and Dislikes:

Arthur really likes shows like Doctor Who and Merlin

Oliver prefers anything related to Alice in Wonderland, and Hannibal

Arthur (canonly) can't cook or bake. But he makes really good teas.

Oliver is a amazing baker and owns his own bakery. But cannot cook to save his life.

In school Arthur preferred English and Social studies! Especially writing and reading as well as learning History (he's lived like 90% of it but he likes to make sure that people tell it accurately.

Oliver preferred Chemistry and physics. There's a lot of Chemistry in baking as well as making the drugs he laces his food within order to, aquire new ingredients if you know what I mean.

Arthur loves music and poetry, he loves writing both and will sing for you if you ask him.

Oliver hates swearing. He thinks it makes people look dirty and trashy which are terms he's tried escaping his whole life as he grew up on the streets A LOT. But thanks to that Ollie has a lot of street smarts that work out in his favor but against his victims.

They will not get along. Not even a little. Very very hard to deal with when together because they know exactly how to get under each other's skin.

Both practice magic and witchcraft!

Arthur leans more towards manifestations and tarot readings rather than spells and potions and such. He wishes he could perform actual rituals and séances but it simply is not his brand of magic.

Oliver is the opposite! He specializes in Dark and Black magic. Performs blood rituals and sex magic (though he's a total prude if he likes a person he actually wants to sleep with and will get very flustered if they ask. But he doesn't have a problem going to a bar and picking up someone to perform a sex ritual with). He I'd an expert at Glamor spells and potions.

Arthur has been on T for a LONG time and was able to get Keyhole top surgery thanks to his small chest!

Oliver has been on a very low dose of estrogen for a while and sometimes likes to wear sports bras under his shirts just because he enjoys how they feel!

(Let me know if you want more! I'll likely post more whether you ask me to or not lol. Might add to this one specifically in the future!)

[aprill-99]

Can I get some people to read the book “Saffy’s Angel” and the Casson Family series by Hillary McKay this year? Purely because I would like to talk to some people about it sometimes and my family are the only ones I know who have read it. Some bullet points to entice you in:

1. It’s an amazing family story, both found and biological. The kids all drag in their friends to be part of the household and never look back. Not unlike the vibe in the Bridgerton books in that regard which is apparently what I look for in fictional families

2. The whole family of children is named after paint colors and each book changes to focus on the POV of a different sibling

3. The writing is lovely and funny and comforting

4. The audiobooks are lovely too!

A Quote from each book in order:

1. Saffy’s Angel

“It will be so sad."

"You have to be sad sometimes," said Caddy. "Whatever Dad says. He may be right. Granddad probably had totally lost his marbles, but I am still sad and I'm still going to the funeral. I shall be as unhappy as I like and I shall where black.”

&

“You’ve all been walking past me for years and years.”

“Is that why you ran me over with your wheelchair?”

“Not saying a word.”

“Is that why?”

“Without even looking at me.”

“I didn’t think it was an accident.”

2. Indigo’s Star

“If you were a Casson family member, for example, and Eve drifted in from the shed asking, "Food? Any ideas? Or shall we not bother?" then you either joined in the search of the kitchen cupboards or counted the money in the housekeeping jam jar and calculated how many pizzas you could afford. Also, if you were a family member you took care of Rose, helped with homework (Saffron and Sarah were very strict about homework), unloaded the washing machine, learned to fold up Sarah's wheelchair, hunted for car keys, and kept up the hopeful theory that in the event of a crisis Bill Casson would disengage himself from his artistic life in London and rush home to help.”

3. Permanent Rose

“It had not seemed to matter that Rose was only eight years old.

"More than eight," said Rose. "Nearly nine."

"Darling Rose, even almost nearly nine-year-old's don't fall in love," said forgetful Caddy.

"Who said anything about falling in love?" growled Rose crossly. "Falling! Falling is by accident! I didn't fall in anything!"

4. Caddy Ever After

“This is how I do special.”

&

“How can I give you nothing? Do you seriously expect me to buy nothing, wrap up nothing, stick a gift tag on nothing, send a card saying I really hope you like your nothing and lie awake worrying that the nothing I got you was the right color nothing you always anted? Have a heart!”

5. Forever Rose

“‘Rose,' he said. 'I suddenly feel old. I did not realize how the years had gone by. Do not try to look sympathetic because you cannot possibly understand.'

Yes, I can. I have just spent a week with Class 1 and they are like people from another plane, but really they are just me, five years ago. Indigo and Saffy and Sarah and Caddy have changed too. They are turning into the sort of people I used to call Grown Up and I cannot stop them, although I would if I could. I would slow them down, anyway. Sometimes I want to shout, 'Wait for me! Wait for me!'

Like I did when I was little and they walked too fast.

They always slowed down back then, however much of a hurry they were in, but I do not think they can turn back now.

So I do understand.”

&

“School is no longer a peaceful place where you can catch up on your daydreaming, forget your family ( or what is left of your family) and talk about things like Dr. Who and how to stop GLobal Warming (we all know how but we don't stop it) and if it is okay for boys to wear pink and all those other things we talk about.”

6. Caddy’s World - (Prequel)

“The genie was at work again, and soon Caddy’s world would be set spinning once again.”

[bigsouls]

hey besties. while i am still avoiding life's responsibilities with RP, life's responsibilities refuse to ignore me. that being said: i'm always open to plot new things (and would love to!), but i simply don't have the time or motivation for new threads at the moment. please give me laidback rp things like detailed headcanons and in character texts/phone calls/skype calls, etc. send me all the memes and tiktoks and songs and feels and askdfjdl that you have. i'd love to create a ship with you and scream about it at all hours of the day/night.

i am dying for more queer ships & male muses. give me mxm! give me nonbinary characters! give me trans characters! please! i’d prefer not to do anymore cishet ships with new partners because i have a multitude of them. i’d love to play some younger muses because i have a plethora of crabby old men characters right now.

below the cut is a list of current most wanted plots and things so check it out if you wanna!

current most wanted things:

m/m sd/sb business

global popstar(s) trying to figure out how to keep their relationship healthy and out of the limelight (i.e. peace by t. swift inspired)

grumbly grump x sunshiney optimist (my fav trope)

exes who are still madly in love!!!!! (i mean, come on)

please for the love of god give me laid back stuff

long distance/online relationships

pretty woman inspired sw things

age gap artist x muse

literally any age gap plot honestly, we love to see it

any loveless marriage plot = sign me the fuck up but mostly this one and throw in some coming out angst

we were meant for each other in another life but not this one (my other fav trope)

smutty things

wildly famous person meeting someone who’s not famous at all and slowly realizing they’re falling for them but wanting to protect them from it so they try not to act on their feelings or try to keep things hidden!!!!!!!!!

OR wildly famous person meeting someone who’s not famous at all and not famous person doesn’t want to fuck up their own life so they keep famous person hidden/at arm’s length and famous person is Confused about it because most people would want to show them off

on that same line?? down to earth billionaire who doesn’t care how much money you have as long as the vibes are correct

harry styles fc with an older husband!!!!!

we’re dating and the distance is hard while i’m touring because we can never afford to see each other and my gigs are always during weird hours. “is it always going to be like this?” angst.

various forms of relationship angst (gender dysphoria, mental illness, jealousy, infertility, unrequited love, etc.)

your boyfriend sucks and we both know i would be a better one but you’re too scared to leave the sure thing you’ve got now

you just relocated to a new town and i’ve never really left that town

give me stage gay or give me death

boxer and his sweet angel!!

any plot with a dad is ryan approved

mumus! either with just us or with a small gang (3-5ish)

any combo of the above

as you can see i love celebrity plots and musician plots but i’m open to most anything so link me to your wanted plots tag and let me browse

[cynicalrecoverysociety]

I'm in a weird place right now. I think this journal might be even more nonsensical than usual so continue at your own risk.

I think I have at this point almost completely disassociated with American culture. To a larger extent at least some of the global first world culture I think but definitely the typical American culture. It's very othering and gives me a lot of impulses about things I "should" do which I hate. There is very little you should find yourself compelled to do, and things like "get a TikTok" or "switch back to an old phone that doesn't have the internet" are most certainly things no one "should"do.

But I just have no idea what is going on in the world anymore. I don't know any current events, and any time I do find out anything it almost immediately sends me into a depression spiral I have to claw myself out of. So I try to avoid news of almost any kind. Which I think is immoral in some way? You know those posts that are like "PSA about bad thing" then there is a reply articulating why OP is fear mongering or misinformed then there are more posts articulating why each person above them is wrong and now you've read the whole thing and you can't even tell who is right at the end because the whole thing was a persuasive essay written about topics you don't know anything about? If that makes sense at all that is how my brain feels. I hear affirmations that it's okay to check out of things you can't control that hurt your mental health, so I scroll quickly past anything about animals and forests and climate change and any other global calamity that will send me into a spiral. But being ignorant of the woes of humanity is also bad and you shouldn't just ignore it? But I'm not really ignoring it I know that the entire world is on fire I'm just trying not to doom scroll? But I also can't do anything but vote because I have no money or power of any kind? And obsessing over the fate of humanity is not productive in helping the planet or myself. The whole you can't take care of anyone else if you can't take care of yourself thing. But people and the planet are dying, they are screaming out for someone to see their plight, and I just can't. I can't help. I can barely function. I can't even look or listen without falling apart.

And I have no communities anymore. I have no social media except this and to an extent reddit. I'm moving away from Reddit more every day. I'm starting to think Tmblr might have to be cut back too but I have no idea if that is an impulse b that serves me or not. Tumblr used to feel really fun, I've talked about this before, but as I use it I am becoming more conflicted. It's impossible to sanitize my dash of things I don't want to see. Blocking tags and people only goes so far. I even blocked a very popular fitness Tumblr because their posts were too saturated on my dash and they were reblogged so much (and the block doesn't stop reblogged posts for some reason) that I ended up just unblocking them because it was no different. I feel very little connection on this platform and it's growing weaker every day. I think I was hoping to get an intimate following that I could chat to but I realized that no one wants to interact with a faceless person who does very low key workouts, few selfies, and mostly personal posts in long rambling blogs no one reads. I think I thought that just by being myself I would attract people like me but I didn't. You still have to put effort into your blog, post the kind of thing people like to get people to see it. And people really like selfies and workout gifs. When I was posting a selfie every workout I was getting a ton of followers and messages and when I realized I didn't like that stuff anymore my blog went silent. And I hate myself for even caring but I just wanted to find a few like-minded people I might be able to talk to but I was just putting effort into the wrong things. I just made a blog that was fairly popular but required a lot of stuff I'm just not interested in doing anymore. It made me feel really alone because I realized some mutuals that I thought perhaps thought of me from time to time didn't and just liked workout selfies. I don't know why I expected different but I think I secretly hoped someone just silently cared about me and my journey but in reality they are just like me and just want to see fitness inspiration on their dash. So if I'm not posting inspiring personal victories I'm just screaming into the void.

I think I might move to just a private diary app. I'm not a bullet journaler at all, just a normal writing person and that's what I use Tumblr for almost exclusively now. I used to think my journals might be helpful for people. People like me who are struggling and trying to grow. I love reading peoples journal posts on here and it's one of the few things that makes me think there is hope in this community for me. But I quickly become embarrassed of the content on my journals, knowing that this isn't the kind of post that makes people what to interact with me and I private them. Now I have no idea why I'm doing this anymore. I like that I can just write here and I think deep down I want some validation in the notes but that validation instinct is unhealthy I think. I shouldn't show people my journal unprompted and then become desolate when no one cares that much. Everybody's got problems and mine are not unique. Perhaps my depression posts are just more negativity people have to scroll right past to make it through the day. I think I need to learn to be my own validation. I seek it here whether I like it or not. When I try to make this space my own and just do my own thing I still get sad watching no one care. Maybe if my feelings are too tied up in internet points I need to remove them. But this is my last piece of social media. I feel like I can't just check out from this too. What if I want it later? I will miss several blogs, but I just feel like I don't fit in. I'm not horny or seeking justice or lifting weights or going to the gym. I'm not even running. I'm just living a very low key healthy lifestyle with an emphasis on mental health. And it's getting to be such a personal journey that general platitudes and affirmations are falling flat. The fact that the place I thought was is now not really for me either. I feel the fitness community is much more open to people who try to go hard and fail but keep trying to go hard rather than people who realized they can only do a little and do it every day. I can do very, very little. I feel guilty for what I can do. I can fast easily, but working out is a struggle every day. Brushing my teeth and taking a shower is a struggle every day. Of course I can't go to the gym. I can barely get out of bed and go to work. I'm so envious of those who can make hard workouts and strict macros part of their life. But I feel like there are only two communities: the balls to the walls fitness community and the "it's okay if all you did today was breathe" mental health community. There is no "hey do hard things but only a little" community. My approach to health is not mirrored anywhere I can find anywhere. Maybe people with my philosophy are just out there doing it and not posting online about it. That is my instinct on this matter and it makes sense people like me just checked out. Maybe I should do the same

Eh. Idk. I don't know what serves me. I will try to figure it out after work. If my blog goes silent before long I guess this is why.

[echo-three-one]

Whatever It Takes

Sequel to A Forgotten Memory

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

With more and more information revealed via Augustus' burner phone, The team now has to make an important decision, one that would change the course of their lives, forever.

Chapter 15 to another story made by Ray (echo-three-one) Comments and Reviews appreciated! I hope you enjoy! Love you all ❤️

Previous Chapter : Meet Me Halfway

Unexpected Alliances

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 141

Flying above Russian Airspace

Roach was speechless. Admittedly the dark and messy battle at the Gulag was something worth noting but the thing that kept his head preoccupied at the moment was Soap and France kissing in the middle of warfare.

Guess love knows no boundaries huh. He thought to himself as he looked at France kneeling beside Soap who passed out from exhaustion. Another person laying beside him was an old man named Jack. The 141 records had a match to Jack, he's apparently Alex's mentor who got missing when their safehouse got raided.

Guess the force will be having two reunions tonight. His eyes turned to Price, who sat by the huge window and gazed into the sea of clouds, he's always serious and in thought that Gary found him intimidating, even after that short mission in Germany. 

Then there was Ghost. He's surely heartbroken now that she saw what France did. And Gary was slightly to blame, well not necessarily his fault but if he pushed him enough to confess, maybe this won't hurt more than it did to him today.

Gary spent the rest of the trip observing, noting his comrade's actions, discussing with their thoughts, especially after the invasion. He was glad 141 extracted Soap before the deliberation, where none of them are allowed to perform missions. Gary felt scared, he just got here, got the hang of it, and was afraid to cut ties with the 141 on such short notice. But he hoped Shepherd would talk sense to the board, especially now that the burner phone filled with leads was within their possession.

"You're awfully quiet…" Ghost nudged to Gary while fidgeting with his gun.

"Well, I got nothing to talk about." Gary replied, turning to the masked man.

"Well I've got a lot, and it's pretty nasty. Can't say it here though." He replied, his tone was almost relieved, as if he just blurted out something that was bothering him for a long time.

"Is it about them?" Gary whispered, pointing his thumb to the couple back at the med bay.

"That's a different story, and I told you I was right, they already had a thing going on since day 1. Who am I to interfere…" Gary could feel him frown beneath the mask, he got defeated in the war of love.

"That's okay… You'll find someone better." Gary consoled and Ghost automatically shrugged it off. 

"Eh. I hope…" he said, turning to the window opposite to Gary's position.

~

Task Force 141 Base - Infirmary

"The audio from this room's camera is muted so it's best to discuss it here." Ghost sat on the chair as concerned 141 members circled around him, Jack, Alex and Soap occupied the beds as they recovered from injuries.

"What you got for us, lad?" Price crossed his arms as he leaned by the door, his hat tilted perfectly on his head.

"An anonymous number sent Augustus coordinates of the base prior to the attack." He held up the phone and everyone murmured.

"Looks like we have another mole in our hands." Alex grunted, turning to Jack for nostalgia.

"But this time, we have a solid lead to who it is…" Ghost added while everyone braced themselves for the slap of reality they're going to get.

From out of nowhere the infirmary doors opened, Maxine was panting and sobbing at the same time, her hands held her thigh desperately enduring some sort of pain.

"It's Samantha… haaah… Shepherd took her!..." she panted as Gary quickly assisted him while everyone who was capable of fighting dashed to the scene.

"Go, Gary. I'll take care of her." Soap quickly got up with Jack, they were already fine and just required to complete their nutrition so assisting her would be the best option.

Gary nodded and dashed outside, bracing himself for the unbearable news.

"Shit. What's going on! I thought we already agreed not to take Samantha elsewhere!" Gary caught up with Ghost and the rest of the available team.

"I have my wild guess, but you're not going to like it." He replied, adjusting his shades as they exited the building. From there, they saw the General's aircraft already far away from their reach. Behind them Alex, Soap, Jack and Maxine followed, their faces were drawn with extreme sadness. 

A few seconds of staring at the sky and Price's comms received an incoming message.

"Captain, I regret to inform you that the 141 is no more… I'm sending the High Value Individual to their care as the threat escalated and is being designated to a different force. I'm sorry. Please tell the rest of the group that in two weeks they will be returned to their prior assignments before 141 was established." his voice was nonchalant, emotionless and straightforward, like he's reading it from a diner table's tissue paper.

"No…" Price muttered. They were this close to Nero.  The rest of the team looked down, others started to disperse and did as ordered while the more concerned group stayed.

"Shepherd's working with Nero. He wants the EMP based weaponry to help his marines in Afghanistan." Ghost blurted, raising the heads of everyone around him.

"He's trading the economical side of the world to win a war?" Gary asked, as the information doesn't add up.

"It's a wild guess but the global economic pressure is already influencing the government to allocate more funds to anti terrorism. Cutting off 141 shouldn't be in play but he found a way to do so… He wants us to stop fighting back." 

"Then fighting back is what we're going to do." Price muttered, grabbing his phone.

"I'm going to make a few phone calls. Those who want to stay and save the world could stay. Those who are content to return to their past lives, you could leave." 

"What about me?" Maxine asked, raising her hand.

"Come with us, We'll take care of you while it's not safe out." Gary said, almost pleading her to say yes.

"I don't have anyone else but France and Samantha. I don't know where to go from here…"

"Then that settles it. Nikolai will take us somewhere safe. If the 141 is no more, we could still salvage weapons and ammo for ourselves. But after this, there's no turning back." Price added, his voice sparked inspiration to everyone. 

And that was it, from that moment. They've gone rogue, for a good cause. And they have to defeat Nero, Whatever it takes.

The Next Step

John Price

Task Force 141 - Disbanded

Former Task Force 141 Base - Helipad

A small group of his comrades were willing enough to stop the war, even at the cost of losing a lot of privileges. Price was always one to work under strict jurisdiction, and this rogue act he's going to commit will be backed up soon, it's going to be dependent on how Laswell influences the board.

The idea was easy. Create another task force which had to be approved prior to the 141's disbandment so that the papers for their redeployment would never be processed. Of course a few strings needed to be pulled and an organization must be able to absorb them. Interpol was willing to help along with Jack's influence to the CIA and Price was lucky enough to have them two on their side.

And there they were, with Nikolai's majestic aircraft, they set course to a temporary camp thanks to Jack. Price noted that he'd get along with the CIA, given they're age similarities and stance toward warfare. 

He surveyed his trusty crew and took note of their abilities. There's Alex, former CIA and fought alongside him in Verdansk and Urzikstan. He's got a clear objective and will and it doesn't matter to Price whether its love or world peace. He's good at terrible hostile locations and can single-handedly turn the tide of war by local agreements and persuasion. A good weapon.

Then there's Simon Riley, or Ghost. Excellent Sniper, the team's tech guy. He's a keeper, his ability to reject emotions while in combat makes him focused and a keen observer. He also excels in weapon usage. You give him anything with a trigger and he'll be sure to hit enemies no matter what.

Another one is John MacTavish, or Soap, what kind of a name is Soap? Price thought. Price looked at the muppet proudly. He rose among his comrades during recruitment and stood at the top of his batch, showing exemplary combat skills and demolitions expertise. Excellent at handling air support machinery and his keen eye never misses a tango hiding from the field. He's got it tough recently, Price believed luck wasn't on his side that's why he got injured a lot.

There's Gary Sanderson or Roach. Price calls him the team's therapist. He sees the willingness to help from the guy. He's eager to train hard and be better and he was impressed on how he handled the German Infilnitration they did together. He has initiative and a clear goal. Something useful at these times.

There's Francine Winters, France a.k.a. Shepherd's prodigy, the last minute addition. He's still quite skeptic as to why she's placed here, but so far he knew that with her sister mentally disturbed by the enemies she's bound to use her emotions as ammunition. She's great at stealth and close combat especially great for breaking and entering missions. She could be trained of open area battles and she has the drive to do so, making her another good addition to the team.

As for the remaining ones, Jack and Maxine, he has no idea yet but them tagging along and using their resources to the fight would greatly increase their chances of killing Nero and destroying the era of EMP machinery.

"Looks like you got yourself a pretty nice team, pal." Jack patted the Former captain's shoulder.

"Yeah. Small enough to remain secret and powerful enough to defeat Nero." he muttered. Jack held his phone and showed it to Price.

"I got us a place. An old CIA Safehouse."

"Are you sure this is going to be okay?" 

"Positive. This one's not used for decades. Classified as dormant and unmaintained. It's situated near a city that once housed a lot of terror activity but after it got neutralized it became very peaceful." Jack convinced. Price no longer hesitated, the team needed the help they can get.

"As long as we're under the radar." He replied and gave Nikolai the coordinates. From there they would begin their revenge toward Nero's attack, plan Samantha's rescue, and discover what Shepherd is really up to...

One step at a time.

Doing everything they can.

To set things right.

Whatever it Takes.

END OF PART 1

Wild ride first half. I hope you stay for the second part right around the corner!

Notification Squad my beloved 💝

@smokeywhalee @samatedeansbroccoli @enderio @ricinbach @beemybee @whimsywispsblog

[luisaloveshoney]

IMPORTANT!

I'm collaborating with @/kannavankrow on Instagram on a commission fundraiser! India is suffering right now so we want to provide a bit of COVID relief. I will donate 100% of proceeds and they will be fully matched! You make the donation, send me the receipt and comm details and i'll start working! I'm taking 10 comic style slots and 5 realistic style slots so be aware of this limit! Feel free to talk to me in the DMs beforehand or if any questions arise.

And PLEASE boost this with, reblogs, tags, comments and likes! I don't want this Project to flop!

Image description and links under the cut

Fundraising Art Commissions

How it works: you donate to one (or more) of the charities linked further down, then you send me the receipt and details about what kind of commission you want and I will start working!

Rules:

Will draw: furries, nudity, OC’s, gore, ships (pairings)

Won’t draw: nsfw

I also have the right to deny any commission!

Prices:

Cartoony style:

clean pencil sketch 3€

Headshot 10€ + simple Background

Full Body 15€ + simple Background

Full Scene 25€ + detailed background

Realistic Style:

Headshot/ bust 40€ + simple background

Full body 50€ + simple background

Full scene 70€ + detailed background

The Situation in India

Current COVID Cases: ~30 000 000

380 000 Deaths

Lack of Oxygyn

not including the high estimate of unreported cases

Through the new COVID variant,political rallies and Religious events there was a catastrophic rise in cases. Hospital Beds are full, often times being shared.

„Whoever you are, there is no chance of getting a bed“ Oxygyn is an extremely valuable and scarce supply, many die in front of Hopitals, or on the way. People who are already malnutritioned and weakend stand almost no chance against the virus.

Where to donate:

- Lung Care Foundation: https://fundraisers.giveindia.org/projects/1939

- Pune City Connect: https://bit.ly/34gmFzC

- Arastu Sharma (Organiser) https://bit.ly/3vlLaY3

- Setu Centre for Social: https://gocrowdera.com/oxygen-gujarat-global#essentials

- Adivasi Lives Matter: https://bit.ly/3bP6w8I

- Project Nivala: https://bit.ly/3wwCjDg

- HELP NAGALAND BREATHE: https://bit.ly/3fKJj8x

- Adivasi Community Emergency Covid Resilience Outreach: https://bit.ly/3oPJELC

- Kapila Nari Organization: https://bit.ly/3vlTtDc

- Shailesh Kumar, Organiser: https://bit.ly/3fGWW8Z

- Umeed Project: https://milaap.org/fundraisers/oxygensos-umeedproject

- Khalsa Aid: https://bit.ly/3gFRIvR

Sources:

Médecins sans frontières:

https://www.msf.org/msf-scales-medical-care-response-catastrophic-rise-covid-19-india

The Guardian:

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/apr/24/

indias-covid-death-toll-hides-stark-truth-for-the-poor-its-even-worse

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/apr/29/

its-everywhere-you-look-guardian-readers-in-india-on-the-covid-crisis

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/may/10/india-covid-crisis-diaspora

New York Times:

https://www.nytimes.com/article/india-coronavirus-cases-deaths.html

[the-firebird69]

Tell me if you're going down you brought my Grandfather into the mix because you had a Mexican stand down freaking retard and a simpleton

Zues Hera

You're fired Billy z

Mac

You don't even know if anything happened

Billy z

I can't see it either no we see it we see it you're stupid busy

Preston

That's how you talk all the time isn't it Billy z no no we want to hear something why don't you think there's something there cuz you don't want to know

Bill

There could be something there but I hope there's nothing there it could be old ships that are deteriorated and so it's not likely so I'm pissed off. I guess it's kind of funny cuz he's probably kicking my ass I'm driving around like a high school kid yelling at people screaming at him he says I drank my milk at lunch time okay out of the carton how's your face on it it says wanted globally so he says that I guess I don't get it

Billy z

Is that you was shot at the green line in Iraq and the idiots put an idiot brain in you and you're an idiot you sound just like them her friend says he's accomplished a lot but he has gaping holes and I understand that too you don't listen to me I can't get him to shut up it's a f****** huge f****

Mac

You two to watch what you're saying

Billyz

You didn't watch what you're saying you think like a retard if you have the look you're fine and you run around saying stuff to people yeah cuz you can't control yourself that's what it's called you have a big mouth and you try and blame us because you have a big mouth people try and make you have a big mouth yeah of course they do and then you turn on try and blame us I'll screw you. By the way you're not the only one in the universe you're not the only one in the planet and you're walking around people that you wounded shot or killed they're getting back at you you're so stupid I don't want to see you ever again I see you I'm going to start taking pot shots at you you're such a f****** a******

Zues Hera

I got some frustrating him beyond belief he's sending everybody after me and putting warrants on me and bounties in the real I can't figure it out no I figured it out I'm going to sit here running until I run out so so what you want Mac doesn't care about that either cuz we both just sat there and ranking him like little kids someone to surgery honest we refuse to fix so he doesn't care there's the conundrum

Billy z

I don't want to talk to either one of you two buffoons you might have some kind of relationship going Mac but it's business they don't want to sit here every day and every night but you're too f****** guys on the f****** line and your God damn retards being space cadets all night and all day long what you doing is a cardinal sin it's blasphemy beyond imagination and I know why but I just can't stand you I'm sitting here ripping you apart when you're doing it and you're totally clueless absolutely clueless you can't figure it out wear your bases Billy z are they up your ass your hardware tons of it's missing there's a lot of hardware there it's enough to watch the salt and your stupid tag like the attacks you watched on my balls such a balls such a f****** homo

Such a huge f****** gay boy you're so f****** dumb you don't understand what you're messing up and like basic rules of your realm everyone goes around explaining it and you're messing it up there's no such thing when you're a weasel okay you're still thieves you're stupid okay so how did you get the Jets oh you stole them so you want to blame about it be a dick so your weasel like Trump was

Zues Hera

I know something else I'm having a hard time with them any of these a****** pukes they're making me look real bad I suddenly see something I'm on camera and I'm looking down all the time at the dinner table and avoiding them while they're still there d****** with me it's not going to end very well Max

Billyz

This blows you more like a so stupid I got to do something about you you're so dumb

Mac

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

i'm confused about the JK Rowling thing. I mean surely not every story has to represent everyone right? I get that people are upset with the way she's responding, but why were they attacking her in the first place? Is it because it's so wildly popular that people think it should be more inclusive? I can understand that, but how would she have known that in the beginning? I don't know i guess i'm clouded by my white privilege but i don't quite understand what people want from her at this point.

I know what you mean, anon. Although I’ve been part of the HP fandom on here since I first created my Tumblr account, I don’t consider myself actively involved in it (by which I mean that I avoid current topics/gossip/drama), but for years I’ve been aware of the voices of the fans questioning JKR’s lack of representation in Harry Potter. It’s exploded again recently because of the reveal of Nagini as a person (more specifically, a Korean woman) in the new FBAWTFT film and there’s a post here that you can read that explains that. 

Warning, discussion below on sensitive topics regarding representation of minorities, race/racism, sexuality/homophobia, disability and colonialism. 

Firstly, you are right that no story has to represent everyone, because that would be impossible. The truth of it is that any writer has the agency and choice to write the characters and story they want to. Speaking from a personal perspective as someone that loves to write and is a straight, white girl with no disabilities or part of any minority group (that I’m aware of), it is significantly more challenging to write characters that are from minority groups. The reason for that is because I myself do not identify or fit into any of those labels (I can’t think of a more appropriate word, so I’m gonna stick with labels, forgive me if it’s a poor choice of word), so I don’t completely understand what it is to be gay or black or physically disabled and what if I can’t bring justice to a character that is those things? What if I offend someone that reads it that is gay, black or disabled? And these are the kind of issues that representation can pose for writers. Having said that, all of this can be resolved with one simple word - research. In my case, it’s very different because I only write for fun and recreational purposes (although there’s always a certain level of research that goes into my writing), but for a professional author, they should be working their asses off to do research to ensure they do their characters justice. 

Personally, I think concerns over representation being raised are always valid. We live in a world where there are more voices speaking out against injustices and particularly, injustices that are more subtle or that have been normalised and widely accepted, such as the lack of representation in popular culture. Having said that, I don’t agree with sending hate and/or being violent or aggressive in raising those concerns and at times, I think the HP fandom can be guilty of that. 

As I pointed out to the tags in my post, I really don’t think JKR did anything wrong in not having diverse representation in her books for a number of reasons. The most obvious reason is that she simply wrote characters that were relatable to her and that she was in touch with in her daily life. It’s important to bear in mind the context of the time in which she was writing - people, particularly young people, seem to forget how much progress has been made in such a short time and how much more liberal societies (I’m particularly referring to the UK here, since that’s where I live and JKR lives) have become over the last few decades. When I was a child I didn’t know anyone that identified as anything but straight until I was around 19/20 years old and then slowly I had friends and people around me that came out as gay, bi and pan; I didn’t meet anyone that was trans until I was 22 years old; at my school I only knew one child that was physically disabled; at my primary school there was only one child that wasn’t white. 

Obviously I can’t comment on JKR’s personal character since I don’t know her and I don’t follow her or engage with her through social media, but the lack of representation doesn’t immediately mean she’s inherently racist or homophobic or biphobic or erasing any kind of minority group deliberately. She was just writing what she knew. But what I said and you have agreed with is that she hasn’t handled things right. Her reactions to fans complaints have sometimes been childish and the Nagini incident shows that she’s grasping at straws to try and pacify people by providing them with the representation everybody is asking for, but it’s only making things worse for all the reasons the post I linked above explains. 

However, shifting away from the whole JKR drama and reflecting on what you said about white privilege - it’s a topic that I’ve been researching a lot recently for educational purposes (this is really just my opportunity to discuss an area of research I’m thoroughly enjoying and finding fascinating, so I apologise in advance if you don’t care about any of this lmao). I’m currently studying a module at university about Jim Crow in South America which is an exploration of black history in America starting from Reconstruction following the end of the Civil War right up until the 1970s (I think near the end of the module we may even touch upon Black Lives Matter). I’m also researching for my dissertation which is about experiences of African American soldiers in the Vietnam War and what’s fascinating to me through the research I’ve been doing is the construct of race and ‘whiteness’. It’s an issue that’s too complex to explain, and you may not care or be interested, but the short version is that race biologically and scientifically does not exist. There is no biological differences (except external appearances) that separate a black/brown/yellow person from a white person, it has quite literally been constructed by European white colonialists and scientists as a way to suppress people of colour, usually for economic purposes. You might be wondering why this is relevant, but it’s because until about 2-3 years ago, as a white person I had no understanding or knowledge of race and how it impacts people’s entire lives - socially, economically and politically. You’re right that white privilege clouds your judgement, particularly when it comes to issues of race, it clouds the judgement of every white person in the world, but what’s worse is that most white people don’t even recognise that white privilege exists. I see so many white people around me in my daily life and on TV (the most recent example I saw was on Celebrity Big Brother UK, which made me so angry I could create an entirely different post on that) claim “racism doesn’t exist anymore” or “this is a equal society” and it infuriates me beyond belief. White people don’t see racism because they don’t experience it and they’re not living it. 

To finish on a final point that’s relevant to your original ask, at this point you’re right that there’s nothing JKR can do to make fans happy. When a series is as popular as Harry Potter and has such a huge fan-base, there is always going to be someone complaining about some aspect of it. If it wasn’t an issue of under-representation, it would only be something else. Nothing in this world is ever perfect and there’s always room for improvement. Honestly, I think the best thing for JKR to do is leave the Harry Potter universe the hell alone. The series is not without its problems, but generally it’s so well-loved by millions of people globally and the fact that she keeps trying to add/retcon certain aspects of the universe and/or characters is what’s frustrating fans more so than anything else. She should just admit that it doesn’t have the representation it could’ve had, learn from that and in any future projects, she can be more aware to be diverse with the characters she writes. 

[mightymaple]

Hello. I saw your tags on the Venezuelan thing, and first off - I apologize if I came off strong, and the very fact you care enough about the issue puts you *outside* the people I'm referring to. But I will say this: I find it personally hard to swallow that it's a media matter, because I don't see what control the US media has on, say, what people reblog or share. My experience is limited to me and over a dozen friends, and it is weird when our posts about Venezuela are ignored. 1/2

2/2 However, I once again apologize if you felt guilt tripped, but I ask in turn that you consider (you don't necessarily have to accept) where we're coming from: I've actually had people tell me they *don't* reblog Venezuelan news because 'it's a huge downer' (as if it wouldn't be for us). Posts celebrating the government would get over 45000 notes-- and I once saw a Venezuelan scene passed off as being in Hong Kong - that got 100000 notes because people though it was elsewhere. Sorry I upset you.It's okay, I mostly tagged that as #guilt tripping / for my followers who might've felt bad for not knowing about what's happening in Venezuela and other countries. What should be actually upsetting to me and people like me is the terrible events happening in Venezuela and elsewhere how little information Westerners get about these things. But thank you for sending me this! I didn't know when I reblogged that post that some people on this site refuse to reblog posts about Venezuela. I was also thinking about how usually the only way US citizens/residents hear about Venezuela is from posts that Venezuelans make on social media, so that's why I brought up the media (like newspapers, cable news, etc) in my tags. Now that I do know more about what you were talking about specifically, I can totally see where you're coming from. Thanks again for giving me a different perspective and I hope tumblr's general attitude towards tragedy in non-Western nations that doesn't get picked up as "big stories" by our major news outlets gets better. It's important to me that my fellow US citizens and residents have a better awareness about what's happening globally, and as of right now we don't even hear about what happens in our own country. I'm sorry that I was being defensive and implying that my ignorance wasn't mostly my own fault.