#I don't always see being self-centered as a bad trait; it's more of a WAY of making decisions

[bonefall]

I haven’t read the first arc in forever but if anyone else was a jerk to their best friend, ditched their clan, then ditched that clan and came back, killed someone, and didn’t even train their apprentice at all, that sounds like a horrible warrior and villain right?

But Graystripe is excused because Graystripe.

Also I swear Graystripe wanting to become a father came out of nowhere for me. Like yes, the treatment of half clan kits sucks, but Graystripe was well aware that there would be consequences if he fathered half clan kits, so he’s already ignoring that responsibility. And then he just goes into father mode and wants to be with them? And then he just leaves 💀Bro is a menace

I think the fact that Graystripe kills Clawface is super interesting, because Fireheart let him go to be a good warrior... and then Clawface attacks AGAIN, proving he will continue to be a problem until he's put down.

I think that's actually a really interesting vibe, that Fireheart WILL hold himself back for honor's sake. But Graystripe? Nah, one chance is enough, threaten Fireheart and Gray's gonna snap your neck LMAO

He is absolutely a menace, but I think that moment where Silverstream tells Fireheart she's pregnant is one of the scenes that makes me really like Gray in spite of it. She snaps, saying that is loving Graystripe is against the code, then it's the CODE that's wrong... and in this instance I think she's totally right!

The way that Graystripe breaks the code is exactly why I like him. For his own benefit; but he doesn't cross the line to put the people he loves in danger, you know? That's why he couldn't stay loyal to RiverClan... it came down to choosing.

Choose. Savage the clan of your best friend, or be banished from your children.

And more than just entering father mode, the death of Silverstream is so, so traumatic. It's sudden, it's bloody, it's violent. Cinderpelt AND Graystripe both walk away from it absolutely shaken.

Everyone forgets that Bluestar was ready to go to actual war with RiverClan over keeping the kits, at a point where RiverClan was their ONLY ally (Wind and Shadow had both united to try and kill blinded Brokentail)... and Graystripe is the one who begs for it to stop.

Bringing his kits to the Clan that demands them, but also, he can't bare to leave his children. Not after watching Silverstream die for them.

I just find him and his choices very interesting. I wouldn't have him any other way; my biggest problem is that the writers refuse to let other characters see him for the complicated, self-centered person that he is, you know?

[asidian]

One thing I haven't seen talked about is Crystal's character arc, and specifically the way the timing of it interacts with Charles' arc. They stumble over each other in the worst possible way en route to their respective character growth, and from a narrative perspective, it's absolutely genius.

I'm going to preface all this by saying: none of this is a criticism of Crystal. Part of what makes her such a dynamic, refreshing character is that you don't get to see women in fiction written the way she's been written. You don't get to see women with her flaws that aren't throw-away mean girls or villains. You especially don't get to see women with her traits who learn and grow and become better people. So yeah, I'm going to talk about Crystal's character flaws. No, this isn't Crystal hate. We love our girl in this house. Okay? Okay. Let's start.

Crystal's character arc, at its heart, is all about her learning to be a better person because she has good influences that love and support her for the first time.

When the show starts, Crystal is not a nice person. She's abrasive in a way that's specifically designed to push people away. She's used to getting her own way, and it shows. She's used to having no meaningful connections with anyone, and it shows. She's breathtakingly selfish, in the very literal sense of the definition. She is focused on her self. Her problems are front and center to her; everything is about what she needs, and what she wants, and how she's struggling.

Jenny calls her out very early on. In episode one, Crystal is complaining about the boys, and Jenny, for all her cynicism, strikes right at the heart of the problem. She tells Crystal, "Everybody is always thinking about themselves, all the time." People only care about their own problems. And she says, correctly, that that's what Crystal is doing, too.

This moment is a revelation for Crystal. For the first time, she considers what her behavior looks like from another person's perspective. As she says, she gets mad at herself over it, and that awareness allows her to do something selfless for the first time in the series. She takes a step back and insists that instead of focusing on her problems, they go to help a little girl. It's a big moment for her.

But importantly, she's not done growing as a character here. She's only just getting started.

On my first watch through, I didn't realize how often, over the next few episodes, Crystal redirects things to her problems during conversation, but it's quite a lot. She's still focused on herself – selfish, in that most literal definition of the word. The issues most important to her are her issues. She's starting to learn to think about other people, but she's not there yet. The process is still underway.

Which brings us to Charles.

Charles' arc is a different sort of self-reflection. He's terrified that he's a bad person the way his father was and the way the boys that killed him were.

During the course of the show, he gets systematically stripped of his confidence and made to feel helpless, and just like Crystal needs outside influences to help her reach a more stable place, Charles does, too. He desperately needs reassurance that he isn't everything he's afraid he is.

But my goodness, the timing in their arcs is such a trainwreck when you put them together, and it is brilliant.

Let's start with the Devlin House.

Crystal has some amazing character growth here. She displays genuine concern about Charles, makes an attempt at comforting him, and learns to work with Edwin even though she still doesn't particularly like him at this point.

Charles, meanwhile, is beginning to fall apart. He's just had the worst night of his afterlife. He's been viscerally reminded of how helpless he is. He couldn't stop the Devlins from being killed over and over, just like he couldn't stop his own father's abuse. He messed up his attempted rescue so badly that he was completely out of commission until the case was finished. He managed to help not one single thing. He made no impact at all. He couldn't help those girls any more than he was able to help himself, while he was still alive.

So they get back to the butcher shop, and what do we see? Monty immediately coopts Edwin. Niko doesn't know what's happened because she wasn't there and Charles has been all fake smiles with her. And Crystal goes off with Niko, leaving Charles to flounder on his own in the wake of everything. She's still learning how to support other people. She isn't there yet, and it's extremely on display in this moment.

Then we get the lighthouse episode, and they both get put through the wringer here. Crystal gets her hopes and expectations jerked around by the Night Nurse in the very worst way, and Charles gets hit with a whole pile full of trauma. All that helplessness wells to the forefront again. Combined with being forced to relive some of his worst memories and the desperation to keep Edwin safe from hell, Charles lets himself act on his anger for once.

And what does he get in the aftermath? Horror.

Everyone who cares about him is horrified by what he's done. Edwin goes so far as to call it extreme. They don't know the half of it, of course; they haven't seen what the Night Nurse just put him through. But in this moment Charles is at his absolute lowest, and all he sees is confirmation that he's exactly as terrible as he thinks he is.

That's why Charles shrugs off Edwin's attempt at comfort, here. When he needed to be able to do something to protect Edwin and also himself – when he needed to believe that he could be better than what his father always was – all he sees is the confirmation from the people he cares about most that when push came to shove, he really is a bad guy.

Then comes the aftermath. And this moment is such a brilliant, awful clash of both of their character arcs. It is so delightfully messy.

Because Charles starts to open up to Crystal here. He starts to lay himself bare, the way he ends up doing with Edwin in episode 5. He's on the verge of admitting something that he's been worried about for literal decades. He tells her, "I've been angry for such a long time."

And what does Crystal do? She's still in the midst of her own character growth. She's still struggling to support other people. She's still learning how to. In a lot of ways, though she's made progress already, she's still that selfish girl that Jenny called out in the very first episode.

And she shows it here it with the absolute worst possible timing. No sooner has Charles started to talk about what's bothering him than she cuts in with her own problems. She's tired of riddles and spirits and demons and not knowing who she is. And the look on Charles' face. The moment when he visibly sets aside his own problems, because Crystal doesn't need any more disasters on her plate? It's heartbreaking. You can actually track the subtle change in his expression there. The actor does a phenomenal job.

And then comes the kiss. And what spurs it? Crystal saying she needs something real.

This moment isn't about light-hearted attraction, the way the earlier flirting is. It's Charles setting aside what he needs – comfort and reassurance and a moment to talk through the things that have been tearing him apart – to give her what she says she wants. He can't even feel it. And Crystal isn't far enough along in her character growth here to realize how selfish she's being. Like Jenny said way back in episode one, she's only thinking about herself.

And then comes the absolute unmitigated disaster of episode 5.

Straight out the gate, Charles leans in for a kiss. From his perspective, they have something together; there's affection there. Charles "I think I'd miss kissing" Rowland, who has been starved for meaningful physical contact for thirty years, is not in a hurry to give this up.

But Crystal is fresh out of a nightmare where she conflates Charles with her abusive ex. She withdraws; she calls what they had a distraction. She cuts it off almost as soon as it's started, so focused on her own worries here that she misses how damn fake Charles' smile is, to cover up that he's coming to pieces.

To be clear, she's absolutely not in the wrong here. It is 1000% her prerogative not to jump into a relationship again while she's still struggling to work through what happened with David. But the arc of her narrative is still early enough that she does it all without so much as the awareness that her focus on her own issues has hurt Charles terribly.

And then the episode really kicks off, and both of them are in shambles in very different ways.

Crystal is projecting her issues with David onto Charles. She has a lot of history, and David seems as though he's exactly the right sort of toxic to leave lasting a lasting impact. But Charles hasn't done anything to deserve her assumptions, and he takes the brunt of her temper here and throughout the episode.

Charles is desperately projecting onto the dead jocks. He very badly wants them to be good guys, because he sees himself in them and he needs himself to be a good guy. He snipes back at Crystal for the very first time in this episode, and he does it in the worst way possible, accidentally prodding her where it will do the most damage.

They're both hurting. They both say some truly painful things to one another.

She does not need to hear that she has unsorted hangups about David still plaguing her while she's unable to move past them. He desperately does not need anyone to tell him that he has rage issues while he's still struggling to think of himself as a decent person.

They apologize, in the end. They start to move past it.

But it's telling that Charles doesn't try to open up to Crystal again. He goes to Edwin instead, even though Edwin is the one who called his actions regarding the Night Nurse extreme. He gets the reassurance he needs so badly; he gets the connection he was looking for with Crystal from Edwin, instead. (I have a lot of thoughts on why Charles initially tries to open up to Crystal so quickly, but it is very much an aside, and this is already extremely long, so it will have to wait for another write-up.)

But the important thing here is, Edwin is the one to offer Charles what he needs to overcome the self-doubt eating him alive. Edwin provides the physical affection Charles was seeking in the form of that long-overdue hug. Edwin is the one who's able to reaffirm for him that he's not just a good guy, he's the best person Edwin knows.

And for all intents and purposes, Charles' major character arc ends here.

Charles has a few last little moments to go on the path to rebuilding his own self-image, after this, but for the most part his concerns have been resolved. He saves Crystal in episode 6 and Edwin in episode 7, proving to himself that he's able to make a difference in the face of overwhelming odds. He's not helpless, no matter what the Night Nurse told him; he can be a force for good in the world. By the end of the series, his crisis of self-doubt seems to have been largely overcome.

But it's the conversation with Edwin at the end of episode 5 that really allows him to work through his most pressing issues. Edwin is there to help support him when he stumbles. Edwin provides him the comfort he was looking for while Crystal was too worried about her own problems to notice how badly he needed the help.

Crystal, meanwhile, still has a ways to go after episode 5. The last three episodes are where she does her most important character growth.

In episode 6, she learns some hard lessons about keeping secrets and letting people help and appreciate you even when you can't offer them anything in return. And Charles, importantly, is there for her every step of the way. He consistently offers her physical and emotional support. He models for her, in a very real way, what it looks like to have someone prop you up when you need the help.

And in turn, Crystal steps in to save the boys. She's the big damn hero at the end of this episode.

The breakthrough continues into episode 7. She's so intent on helping to get Edwin out of hell that she literally goes to face her own demons, not for herself for once – not for her own purposes or needs or wants – but because she wants to help someone else.

And episode 8, at long last, brings her to the culmination of her character arc.

Crystal is at her absolute lowest here. Her family, the people who were supposed to love her unconditionally, didn't even realize she was gone. Her precious memories, that she's spent the entire series trying to regain, have showed her that she's not the person she hoped she would be. She's overwhelmed enough that she means to flee, to cut herself off from her new friends entirely.

Then the boys get kidnapped. And just like that, she makes up her mind.

For the first time since the start of the series, she sets aside her most important issues in order to let what other people need take precedence. She disregards all of her own personal concerns and focuses instead on others. She's finally stepped out of those selfish impulses that Jenny calls her out on, all the way back in the first episode. She's finally learned how to support other people when they need it.

Crystal has finally figured out how to be there for others, despite having troubles of her own.

It's a lovely arc, and it's beautifully done.

Charles' is just as touching.

And god damn, but it was a brilliant narrative choice to have their character arcs line up in exactly the wrong way.

[cauliplea]

it baffles me how many people twist the whole "Ratio hates idiots" thing even though it's literally anything but that.

did people not even read the character details? he doesn't hate idiots necessarily, it goes deeper than that. but for some reason people immediately think that Ratio would hate someone because they are less smarter that him.

No, he does not hate people with less knowledge, he hates people that doesn't try to gain more knowledge and better themselves, he hates people that think they are better than others simply because they are smarter, he only hates people that choose to stay ignorant.

the amount of ableism he recieves when it comes to his entire character makes me want to rip my hair out, no he would not hate you because you're bad at math, he'd recognize if you had any other talents other than math and praise you for it and try to help, no he wouldn't hate aventurine because you people think Aventurine is an idiot in his standarts (I'll get to this later)

he is a big softie yet it is always ignored just because he was rude to most of the characters we have seen which if you took two seconds to think about it's justified.

Herta, Screwllum and Ruan Mei are all part of genius society and they all share one personality trait which is being self-centered and that's what ratio hates the MOST. he doesn't like people that only care about themselves, so how could anyone think that someone that hates selfishness be selfish?

I do love herta, Screwllum and Ruan Mei but you have to agree they are selfish when it comes to their goal, all of genius society is, they all do things for themselves and not others unlike Ratio, which is a common theme since you can notice Nous only recognizing people that seek knowledge for themselves and not others like Ratio.

When it comes to his relationship with Aventurine I'm glad people can recognize that he cares enough but there are still times where he's seen as cold hearted which is not true at all, this man is direct with what he feels whether it's care or hate, he didn't hesitate to call Sunday crazy and he wouldn't hesitate to show aventurine that he cares which he already does, just in his own confusing way.

I've also seen people call aventurine an idiot which I can't stand, how could you even muster up that idea? he is intelligent, Ratio literally sees him as an equal which could be another hard evidence on how he doesn't hate "Idiots" (since people think Aventurine qualifies as one because he couldn't go to school or learn academically. :|) he recognizes Aventurines talent and intelligence, the times he calls aventurine a fool or anything else is obviously affectionate and lighthearted.

the first scene they were on screen together the reason he insulted Aventurines knowledge he apologized afterwards when he realized that it wasn't Aventurines fault. (deleting the racism part because I've had MULTIPLE people bring up the fact that it was an act and I get it but I still dont think it was necessary since you don't have to be racist to make someone think you hate someone else.)

so no, Ratio isn't a cold hearted, mean asshole, he's lovely so please write him as lovely. it breaks my heart and hurts my autism when people mischaracterize him.

[writingquestionsanswered]

Hey! I've written a first full outline and a few scenes (YAY) and I'm kinda worried that the readers will catch on that I actually have a favourite character. I'm attached to all of them, but this guy is Special - he has traits I really like, an arc I'm excited to write, he's bit of a self-insert, bit of a wish fulfillment, the whole thing. How can I hide my fondness from the reader? If I let it shine through too much, it'll kill any charm this character is supposed to have :(

Hiding Character Fondness from Reader

Here are some things to be aware of:

1 - Keep the Plot on Track - One of the biggest tells that the author has a thing for a character is when the plot seems to shift in favor of the character. Not only does this character slowly elbow their way to center stage, but the plot seems to completely shift course in order to highlight their conflict/adventures. So, make sure you stick to the plot you had in mind and keep the character's role as you originally envisioned it.

2 - Avoid "Author's Pet" Armor - Another giveaway that the author favors a character is when the character has immunity to every bad thing that happens in the story, even when it makes no sense. They're the one character who emerges from battle completely unscathed (or with superficial injuries), they always draw the long straw and luck is always on their side; and if something bad has to happen to a character, it's never this one.

3 - Avoid "Author's Punching Bag" - Conversely, sometimes author favoritism plays out by treating the character like a punching bag. I guess this results from a hurt/comfort perspective, where the author enjoys putting the character through the wringer because it creates an opportunity for them to be comforted by another character. But when it's the same character who's hurt over and over again, with the rest of the cast seeming to be armored against trouble, it has the same effect as being the one character that's never hurt.

4 - Avoid Special Snowflake Syndrome - Consider all the characters in your story. If your favorite character is always the one with the skills, knowledge, experience, connections, to solve the story's problem and/or save the day, that's a problem. Not only does it make them overpowered, but it means the spotlight will always be on them because they're the one everyone else has to rely on all the time.

5 - Avoid Complete Lovability - This is a big one... there are few people who walk the planet who are genuinely without flaws and are universally loved by everyone who knows them. Real people, most of the time, have flaws. Someone can be the nicest, most generous person in the world, but they could have bad breath or be chronically late, or really stubborn about trying new things. Flaws don't make a person bad, they just make them real. But we all have our pet peeves, too, so if you know someone who is chronically late, they might get on your nerves and not be your favorite person in the world. We want that for our characters, too. They should have believable flaws and not give everyone they know heart eyes every time they walk in the room.

Happy writing!

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[qoldenskies]

i think a lot of people pretty openly acknowledge that leo is someone that self-aggrandizes and acts reckless in order to compensate for his insecurities, which is true and it's very clearly spelled out especially in the movie, but i don't really see people acknowledge the fact that donnie is the EXACT same way (outside of people who specifically like to write a lot of angst for him. leo is forever designated sadboy of the fandom). which is sad, because i think it's the most twin-like thing about them!!

it's a trait they share pretty openly. same flavor of daddy issues, although leo is always wanting to look down, to be the BEST at something, to be admired and respected and trusted, to be above other people, while donnie is always wanting to look up, the whole approval from a parental aged adult thing is the largest example but i also think about his desperation for CAMARADERIE in the purple jacket, and also like, lol the entirety of mind meld. he wants to be understood and acknowledged and praised and he practically begs for it with everything he does.

both of them desperately want to impress! but i kind of interpret it as leo trying to make a point to himself more than to other people, because he is so caught up in his own self-judgement. it's why he can act rude or try to step over the others (raph especially, although early on there is some mutual toxicity in that relationship) in order to prove that point.

but donnie has a lot more self-security because he knows what he does! he knows he's good at it, i don't think there's any denying that. but under real praise he gets starry-eyed or he softens. he makes a big point out of presenting new things because that's what he's looking for. and i think that makes him so averse to the potential of failure. it's why he'll shrug it off or outright deny it when its brought up to him. he sucks so bad at taking responsibility lmao.

i think mind meld in particular is a very telling episode, especially the beginning of it. he gets rash and upset when he feels like he's doing too much on his own. he feels ignored and disrespected for his efforts, and makes bad decisions as a result. and between that and donnie's gifts it's very very obvious he is projecting the fact that he equates his usefulness, his role, to his self-worth as a person. a lot of that crowing confidence is not real. he is MAJORLY overcompensating just like leo is. (and i would also like to point out the kind of things he makes shelldon RESPOND to in smart lair before he's reprogrammed, like leo's ribbing)

idk, i just feel like donnie wants to be seen and leo wants to be able to see himself, although there is some overlap there and the two problems can bleed into each other.

(and i do think a big point of leo's arc in the movie is for him to genuinely stop being selfish. his insecurity gets in the way and he's thinking about himself when he acts, and that's what hurts people. all of them have the potential to be self-centered, but leo's behavior was putting people in danger, and he had to look past all of that because he has ALWAYS been a strong and capable person and a good leader, but he was afraid of it because he was setting the goalpost for himself too high, and it was RAPH'S thing. it all felt too daunting. he's never going to feel ready if he only thinks about himself. at a point it's just not about him. as dubious as his sacrifice at the end was, that was the point. get him some therapy for that blunder though)

and i think it has a lot of potential to make them clash in a really interesting way. donnie's like,,, got his THING!! leo is not CONFIDENT in his thing!! and he can't ever be better than donnie at his particular thing, so he LEAPS onto any chance to get one over on him, which clashes very badly with donnie's issues of easily feeling dejected or unappreciated. he's going to take that personally, and then leo is going to take donnie's bad interpretation of that behavior personally, because like... why doesn't donnie trust him? :((

anyways they are majorly twinning they are both dramatic unconfident bitches with self-worth issues and they both get louder and meaner when they feel hurt about something. its why i keep accidentally writing angst of the other when i try to write angst of one. ahaha lol oops

sorry ive had this blog for only a few hours i just needed to get my thoughts down mostly for myself. for writing purposes

[thingsseenandheard]

As promised I am here to write the third installment in my Cazador meta essay collection about identity self perception and the fact that I don't believe Cazador has a concept of who he is as a person and continually despises himself but he copes with it by behaving as though the "versions" of himself that he despises are literally different people

At a basic level, Cazador hates weakness. I think it probably follows that Cazador hates his younger self - pre vamp and spawn - for being weak because it was through finally besting Vellioth that he became strong. That was the only real moment of successful strength amidst all of that, at least in his eyes, and I think that was the turning point where Cazador became Lord Szarr. (I have a LOT to say about Vellioth's death but I'll save that for Cazalore essay #4)

However Cazador is obviously unbelievably self centered and egotistical, & I'm going to be making the case that he's a narcissist in the actual clinical sense rather than just the "oh that person is very selfish" sense because it ties in with this very well because Cazador's confidence & ego rely completely on the fact that he is extremely deluded & detatched from reality. And more on that in my next post too regarding Vellioth's death. If Cazador's delusion is cracked even a little bit I think he crumbles, because he has successfully avoided being forced to face the reality of his past and his actions and who he is as a person for centuries, and I don't think that mentally he could handle being forced to come to terms with the fact that he is not special. And he is not innately "better" than Vellioth just because he's the one who came out on top. And the fact that he is able to successfully compartmentalize all his bad weak feelings does not make him superior. His entire persona, Lord Szarr, is so flimsy it's a miracle he's managed to keep it together this long. Because his persona is built on thinking he is special and inherently superior and better than everyone else because he isn't fucking weak. At least, not anymore.

But he used to be. And he must hate that. How does a person as unstable and detatched as Cazador is cope with the fact that he was once everything he now hates? He just doesn't think about it. It's one more thing he pushes away and refuses to acknowledge and I think perhaps the easiest way for him to do that is separating "Cazador" from Lord Szarr. Because Cazador is weak, Cazador was so stupid he got taken in by Vellioth in the first place, Cazador wasn't strong enough to kill Vellioth the first time, Cazador wasn't clever enough to escape. All of these things are traits that he clearly reviles in others, Astarion being a prime example. It's unthinkable to him that he used to be that, so actually, no he wasn't. That was some other guy. Lord Szarr actually has always been very strong and smart and steadfast and he has never been pathetic or weak and he has never begged for mercy once in his life, no sir, not ever.

I always find it so interesting when there's a character like this who you can clearly see the distinction between who they are now and who they used to be and who they have the potential to become, especially when they're as deluded as Caz because there's no way he is at peace with all of that! There is no way he's looking back at himself as a spawn or pre-vampire and is okay with the person he used to be. (And if he could see the future pre-vampire or as a spawn, there is no way he would have been at peace with the person he was going to become.)

So he pretends that wasn't him. It's the path of least resistance, because who's going to correct him? Vellioth's dead, and there's nobody else alive and in his vicinity and with the courage it would take to say no, actually, that was still you. The easiest way he can find to cope with this and preserve his extremely fragile and shallow persona that's really just a rebrand of Vellioth with less impalement is by acting like his past self is a literal actual completely different person, because then it's not hating himself, it's not hating the mighty Lord Szarr, it's hating Cazador, and that's okay because they're different, and Lord Szarr is strong where Cazador was weak.

And the separating of himself into these different people doesn't help with the fact that the mighty Lord Cazador Szarr is not a person, he's a shell. He's a mask, meticulously crafted to cover up all the weakness and instability and fear that never really left him. And at some level, just like I think he knows he would return to Vellioth, I think he knows this, too. But this, coming to terms with the fact that he doesn't know who he is and the versions of himself that he hates are the same as who he is now, it's too much. I don't think he can handle it.

And there's even more to it than that, because as I've said before, Cazador has become Vellioth. Not better than Vellioth, he is Vellioth. After everything Vellioth put him through, can we honeslty say he would be happy to realise that? Absolutely not. So despite the fact that he absolutely hates who he used to be, he is still clinging to parts of that version of him because so long as he can preserve some of that, he is not Vellioth. And he doesn't have to come to terms with the fact that actually, yeah he is. And that this is exactly what Vellioth wanted him to be. Cruel, selfish, egotistical, everything a Vampire Lord is supposed to be. Everything Vellioth was. Everything Cazador is now. So I think that even though he goes to such incredible lengths and does so many mental gymnastics to avoid hating Lord Szarr because Lord Szarr is supposed to be the perfect Vampire Lord and he is supposed to be better than Vellioth, he still has to hate his current self too because his current self is Vellioth whether he is capable of recognizing that or not, and god knows he hated Vellioth. But also he didn't, because he loved Vellioth, but Cazador doesn't know what love is. The only love he knows is the love Vellioth taught him. So he has this horrible toxic relationship with himself that only he can break out of but he just can't do it, because he is still that hurt, terrified, weak young man and he is still that docile, compliant spawn because he knows what'll happen if he's not, and he is still the cruel, self-centered Vampire Lord that Vellioth knew he could become. And all of these things coexist within him and he simply cannot take it. And he doesn't know how to deal with any of it, so he doesn't.

And I am putting so much emphasis on Lord Szarr being distinct from Cazador both because I think that's how he sees himself and because only one of those two people is actually real. Lord Szarr doesn't really exist. He is a fabrication mean to cover up all of Cazador's shortcomings. And Cazador is so dead terrified of being anything that Vellioth would have punished him for that it's literally easier to act like his past self is dead and gone than it is to accept that every version of Cazador is him and he is every version of Cazador, and he's so trapped within himself because he simply cannot come to terms with any of that. But of course, the flip side of that is I think he is also dead terrified of being Vellioth, which is why he has to hold on desperately to this separate, past, dead and gone version of himself at least a little bit, because that is the absolute last thing, in his eyes, standing between him and truly becoming his own Master. He can't be Cazador, and he can't be Vellioth, so who the hell is he?

It's a question that only he can answer, but he is completely incapable of doing so.

[musicalhell]

Persephone's Gambit Extras: More Fun With Tarot

I've said before that I personally don't consider Tarot to be divinatory (believe me, if I knew of a reliable way of predicting the future my life would be a lot easier), but something more of a combination of improvisational storytelling and meditative exercise. The cards don't mean anything until we give them context though our own perceptions and experiences.

That said, the Tarot in Persephone's Gambit does tend to be a means of foreshadowing (or backshadowing, or side-shadowing, as it were). Because I'm the god, and if I want to make the cards tell the characters things they may or may not pay attention to then dammit I'm gonna do it!

So. In the latest chapter (obligatory shameless plug link) we once again see two spreads, a five-card and a three-card. The first is done for Christine and Raoul by a fairground fortune-teller, and though she's typically vague about the meaning it does apply to their situation:

The Wheel of Fortune is at the center of the cross. (The first drafts had the Lovers, which was also appropriate--and fun, because the Universal Monsters deck features Christine and Raoul themselves for that card--but I went with this for The Drama). It's a reminder that the only thing constant is change, and there's always something that's beyond our control. Right now, Christine and Raoul are together, happy, and content....but fall is coming on, and Persephone will need to descend to the underworld. What will happen to them when she does?

The Ten of Swords represents despair, betrayal, and ruin--a perfect summary for where things stood in Phantom's dramatic climax. It's a difficult card to confront, but no Tarot card is wholly good or bad. The Ten cards show the suit in a self-perpetuating cycle--in this case, the cycle of violence that leads to destruction. It confronts us with the harm done to us and by us and says: will you continue in this death spiral, or will you break free?

The Emperor is the Major Arcana that embodies those traits traditionally defined as "masculine:" strength, order, guidance, authority. Upright, the Emperor is a just and benevolent leader, but when he's reversed (as he is here) he becomes a tyrant, abusing his power over others and demanding obedience to rigid, confining systems. It's likely the challenges Christine and Raoul will face in the future will come in this form...

The Eight of Swords represents entrapment and imprisonment (and has my favorite art in the Rider-Waite cards). Christine is afraid of being caged, whether by an Opera career overseen by a domineering, possessive impresario or as an aristocrat's wife that will place rigid limits on her life and activities. Likewise, both Raoul and Erik consider the life the other would offer her as something that would limit her. But the Eight of Swords is also a reminder that the power to free ourselves is always at hand...even if we can't see it just yet.

If the Ten of Swords is the doom of the tragic hero, the Ten of Cups is the fairytale ending. It represents the apotheosis of emotional and spiritual fulfillment: joy, abundance, loving relationships. Faced with the traumas of the past and the uncertainty of the future, it confronts Christine with an enticing yet seemingly impossible resolution. Can she really have it all?

Then at the end of the chapter, Erik does a reading using only the Major Arcana, the most deeply symbolic cards in the deck. It's a good technique when you want a reading with clear, direct answers--and he gets them:

The Tower, like the Ten of Swords, indicates calamity and ruin, often one brought about by the subject's own hubris. Erik has brought grief upon himself and others, and must face the consequences. And like the Ten of Swords, it is a call to action in one's darkest hour. Erik has a choice: sit and decay amid the wreckage of what he has done or, like a good architect, rise up and rebuild on stronger ground.

Erik himself is The Hermit in the UM deck, fitting as this is the card of solitude and social withdrawal. Traditionally, hermits removed themselves from the world for the sake of contemplation and spiritual enlightenment, but a reversed Hermit indicates the subject has become isolated and disconnected from reality. Having spent several days in a state of indolent self-pity, Erik needs a reminder that this situation is not doing him any good.

The Star is the card of hope. It follows the Tower in the Major Arcana and is the first light in the dark, the promise of renewal that follows a bitter and hard end. It reminds Erik that he can find guidance out of his own inner darkness...if he has the courage to seek it.

[ravenbloodshot]

How Enhypen view each other (PT.3)

Jungwon (pov)

Jay

Positive traits: (these two are just co-workers) fast paced, good taste in food/fashion, calm and quiet, can blend in easily, not overly talkative, fun to talk to, knows how to live in the moment, independent, okay with being by himself

Negative traits: greedy(food wise), stubborn, aggressive, out of shape, rude, bad temper, too intense, always ready to fight, not adaptable (doesn't like change/spontaneity), boring, not agreeable

Jake

Heads up:Jungwon views Jake and Jay similarly. He just likes Jake, not so much Jay.

Positive traits: passionate, fights for what he believes in, go getter, (these two are close), takes care of his responsibilities, possessive (I'm not sure why Jungwon likes this), protective of loved ones, adaptable, adventurous

Negative traits: Too fast paced, bad clothing style (bad hygiene), can be too aggressive and head strong, impulsive, hard to talk to, impatient, bad with time, doesn't properly heal himself (like he could injury himself badly , but insist the next day he's fine and can work), over confident

Heesung

Positive traits: Good fashion(styles himself well), smells good, predictable, beautiful eyes, 'heart like a horse', jungwon likes when he's drunk, intuitive, eccentric and creative, open minded, curious, artistic, adventurous, imaginative, other- wordly, leadership qualities, honorable, more powerful/influential than he's aware

Negative traits: too imaginative, up in lala land a lot, childish, petty, bad at arguing his points, gives up too easily, too soft(sees him as feminine but not in a good way), holds himself back, unstable, bad with money, runs from his problems

Sunghoon

Okay. so......the energy here is very interesting. These two don't communicate with each other (its not exactly hostile energy but its not comfortable either between the two of them). Sorta of like Sunghoon never truly tries to get to know Jungwon so Jungwon opts out of trying to get to know Sunghoon (but he secretly wishes to find out more about the guy)

Positive traits: (these two are just co-workers) perceptive, soft skin, smells good, small face, independent, nice voice, intuitive, mysterious, finds him to be very handsome (very), lucky and fortunate, secretive, risk taker, smart, wealthy

Negative traits: mysterious, closed off, secretive, Protective of his real personality/identity(only a selective few gets to experience the true Sunghoon and jungwon isn't one of them), beautiful and model-like(Jungwon's energy seems to be a bit jealous so I'll stop here)

Honestly this is my first time feeling this strange vibe for two idols in a long time, how Jungwon views Sunghoon is quite weird(I may do a separate reading on this, it really peaked my curiosity)

Niki

Positive traits: Looks soft but is really tough, surprising and unpredictable, garners attention easily, nice and slim body, Flexible, charismatic, easy to get along with (they're close), easy to vibe with

Negative traits: sensitive (anger wise), too perceptive, reads others almost too well, lazy, doesn't help out around the dorms as much as others, Shares others secrets that he doesn't deem as serious secrets, holds on to his past, doesn't like to share his culture with the others

Sunoo

Positive traits: ditches toxic people/habits, not afraid to walk away from situations not working out for him, small/cute, active, talkative, fun to chat and gossip with, exciting, has an exciting personal life and dating life, dates interesting people

Negative traits: self esteem issues, unrealistic expectations, blinded by his own emotions/thoughts often, gets into toxic relationships, fast paced, too active and reactive, moves on too quickly, impatient, self centered

Sunoo (pov)

Jay

Positive traits: His gut feeling is right a lot of the times, not afraid to call out hypocrisy/ stupidity, beautiful voice, (something on Jay's body is small that he likes), learns his lesson, stops toxic patterns, admirable, gentleman, knows when to let go

Negative traits: too intense, not fun to talk to, doesn't like to gossip, keeps unruly hair(may not shave enough), preachy, thinks he's too good to do certain things, standoffish, cynical, pessimistic about finding true love, doesn't party (even though he gets invited to A LOT of them)

Jake

Positive traits: Head strong, go getter, stubborn, decisive, manly, aggressive, intense, fiery, feisty, spontaneous, adventurous, all action no talk, constantly improving and changing himself (stays in the studio longer than others)

Negative traits: not sensitive and caring enough, not sweet or gentle, bad with small talk, doesn't know how to network with people he doesn't like, player, too sexual, sleeps with too many women, non committal

Heesung

Positive traits: (Sunoo likes him a lot), leadership qualities, responsible, caring of others (silently), manly, does what he has to even when he doesn't want to, wakes up easily(even when its super early), calm, fatherly, good style and good hygiene, overcomes his obstacles

Negative traits: passive-aggressive (or just plain aggressive at times), too emotion driven or in the moment motivated, sneaky, sly, non committal even though he wants commitment, scary when upset (especially his eyes), doesn't believe in marriage

Sunghoon

Positive traits: (Sunoo and Jungwon talk about him not in a good or bad way) Star power, eccentric, beautiful, doesn't disclose his secrets, mysterious, protective of his energy/space, unpredictable, independent, doesn't need to be in a relationship, lets love come to him, has a loving family dynamic

Negative traits: Impassive, detached, cold but cute, Doesn't appreciate his family as much as he should (or just doesn't realize how loving they are compared to other member's families), over works himself, too giving with money, doesn't have good stamina nor thought out plans

Niki

Positive traits: hard worker, loyal, serious about getting his job done, reliable, independent, knows what he wants

Negative traits: pushes people away, lashes out on others, aggressive, rude, blunt and sarcastic, has a nasty attitude (moody teenager vibe), hard to relate to and get along with

Jungwon

Positive traits: loyal, hard worker, cute, enjoys nature, environmentalist, good memory, takes good selfies, good performer

Negative traits: TOO perceptive and analytical, stalker, aggressive, when upset spits fire in his speech, curses like a sailor, verbally aggressive, so serious about planning for marriage but doesn't date enough, cold and can hits a persons deepest insecurity when upset

[terraco-07]

I'm gonna start this off by being self aware. Vriscourse in 2024 is so funny and kind of silly in a way so take as little or as much of this as you want. I think I should lead in with Vriska is divisive on purpose. Her entire story is rife with places where you can either hate her, love her, or find shades of grey. I love Vriska as a character, but I want to be perfectly clear. Vriska Serket is NOT a good person, but imo very few people are. Narratively speaking Vriska grows up on a hostile planet where she's forced to kill for her Lusus. She also has the influence of Mindfang's journal to contend with. Vriska never knows who she is, she's always living in someone else's shadow and constantly hating it. Yet at the same time she's trying to live her life by some grand formula. Let's take Tavros for example. By virtue of Karkat and the descriptions we get of Alternia we see the word pity used several times when describing Flushed feelings. Can we take it with a grain of salt and assume that Karkat a known romance over enjoyer is being an unreliable narrator? Sure, we can. That said I think that wording is relevant here. In Vriska's head she feels bad for this guy and thinks that she's the only one who can fix him. On top of that you add in that her hero was flush with a powerful bronzeblood and you've put massive blinders on yourself. She becomes so self absorbed with this idea that she ends up going way too far in her efforts to bring him around and pushes heavily past his consent and boundaries. (Looking at that kiss scene). Even after his death she says maybe 2-3 things about ahh man maybe I shouldn't say bad things about that guy anymore or am I bad for killing (another) friend. She's young but I think the lack of remorse is something that matters here when looking at her in adulthood which is what we're really trying to get to here. As for the previous murder it's barely even touched. There's an air of well Aradia killed me back so we're all good. Even though she ascended to God tier and initially Aradia was just a ghost who had to deal with it while Sollux had to cope with the fact that physically it was his body that killed his matesprit. General other beats are the arrogance, easy to anger, and lack of empathy. Which we actually get to see some development on those from pre retcon Vriska! More on that here in a second.

Holy shit Gil, you're rambling so God Damn much why do we care? I don't know, don't ask me, but here's why all that foundation matters. If we're thinking about the theoretical for any Homestuck character as a whole I feel like we have to consider who they are in adulthood. Tons of discussion and debate all circles around "well they were kids!" Okay, well lets talk about what they could be as adults. So with everything we've already brought up about Vriska, how does she act in her 20s? Personally I think she struggles post game. She has no mental purpose for a while and she's in a place where she doesn't have to fight just to live so that means tons of time to sit around and think. We've seen from pre retcon Vriska that when the stress is off she does actually consider what she's done to a degree. Do I think she thinks about Tavros or Alternian sins all that much? No. I think she doesn't like her younger self (like most people) and does what she can to avoid being like that anymore. That comes with painfully slow growth and still a lot of bridges in need of mending. Those same traits of being self centered and needing attention are there but they're a little more tempered. She can at least listen now and has the emotional intelligence to realize when she's hurt someone and actually care about that. In summary: Vriska is a complicated and flawed character and saying that she did nothing wrong but also saying she did everything wrong are both incorrect. There is nothing defensible about her acts (She fucked up bad) but we can understand why she may have done them without condoning them. As an adult she is still kind of an asshole but she's not to that same level and she gets to grow into a somewhat reasonable adult that is still a dick at times. Also if you got this far then enjoy my shameless Vrisrose propaganda. They get in fights all the time and want to beat the shit out of each other nonstop. Both of them suck and it's so funny.

[lasi-nariyoyoreads]

Kai's personality according to tarots

Someone asked about this some days ago, they read my mind because I was going exactly for this reading haha

Disclaimer:

My readings are made for fun and you should read them for fun too. So don't take them seriously. 

The main aspect of his personality:

The tower

The tower is the most unsettling card in tarots. It indicates a big change, often a traumatic one, but something that might make you stronger.

In this case, he has the type of energy that is ground breaking, something that shakes you up completely.

I can think of young people looking at him and realizing they want to become idols to perform like him.

When you see his passion and commitment, it makes you want to imitate it.

The people in his life might literally experience a pre-Nini and a post-Nini just from how impactful his presence is.

On a more personal level, it's possible Kai went through big changes on many levels, that he's like a phoenix, always destroying and constructing something new.

From the rest of the reading, I could feel a protective energy toward who is close to him and what belongs to him, as if he's afraid to lose them or as if he would be forced to restart again and rebuild everything. So he truly wants to protect his "tower" and avoid its destruction.

How he sees himself?

10 of cups, rev justice, rev 8 of pentacles

He's a mama boy, as we all know. His family and friends are very important for him, he needs love, he needs affection, he needs solid unions.

He's a positive person with a bright personality, you rarely feel negative energy from him.

He might not be the most objective person and favor himself and his loved ones, even if they're wrong.

Or he might be bad at judging people, too trustworthy of the wrong ones, or wary of the good ones (think of his opinion on Soo when he first met him).

He knows he struggles to manage his emotions and it's something he wants to improve.

He suffers from routine and/or he has a bad work-life balance.

He might go days where he only works and days where he feels no energy.

How others see him?

Rev 8 of wands, 9 of pentacles, 7 of cups

They see him as a careful person. It probably takes him a while to open up to others and consider them as friends.

They might feel intimidated by him, he has a strong and cool stage persona, so some people might truly think it would be hard to talk to him.

Bro is rich, independent, artistic, elegant and handsome.

They really admire his craft and the way he was able to reach that amount of success.

Others think he's creative, probably with his head in the clouds.

Others might struggle to truly understand him as a person or to get to know him on a deeper level.

Positive traits:

King of swords, rev devil, strength

He has a lot of self-discipline, he's honest and not self-centered.

When it comes to his job, he's precise, he puts effort, he's structured.

He takes a great care of his looks, since he knows how they're a part of his job, so he's someone who takes into consideration all the aspects that contribute to his job.

He learned how to engage with fans and people in general, how to make them interested in his job, or, in other words, how to lure them into being interested in him.

He also learnt to domesticate his raw emotions, in order to be a more stable and reliable person.

I think his main quality is that he's someone who works on himself. His success never made him think that he is complete or that he's perfect, on the contrary he always finds new aspect he can improve.

This allows him to be very down-to-earth too, he isn't full of himself and he's always respectful toward everyone, from his boss to the guy that sells coffees in the sm building.

As I said, there's some Tower energy here too because he never takes anything for granted and he always works to become better in order to be prepared. He might be aware of the consequences oh his actions and in general be good at future planning.

Negative traits:

Ace of cups, ace of pentacles, 4 of pentacles 

Domesticating emotions could lead him to straight up repressing them.

I said in the other sections that he always shows a positive energy, so he might want to repress those emotions that might cause trouble for others.

For the sake of his job, he might reach unhealthy lengths. 

You know how the fans joke about his duality, the sexy confident Kai vs the cute clumsy Jeongin.

It might be something deeper than a fandom joke though, and he might tend to repress too much his emotions to keep up his professional image.

He might struggle with financial management? He could be stingy maybe?

He might be a bit possessive. He clings to people and he has a hard time whenever relationships change or people walk out of his life. Not only with people, maybe also with what belongs to him.

He might be a bit too needy.

Maybe it's because of the Tower energy, he constantly feels that something bad might happen, that his present will be shaken up all of a sudden, so he has to cling to something or to someone, to feel a better sense of security.

[bug-the-chicken-nug]

i know that its largely a bad decision to rob Ruby of even MORE narrative relevance in her own fucking show, but i can't help but think it would be thematically cool if Yang was the one with Silver Eyes like the Light theming is already there. Like I imagine it's a thing where her eyes turn silver instead of red, which people in-universe remark is really unusual, but actually kind of handy because it makes her power a bit less identifiable. and the whole "you have to want to protect people" thing goes hand in hand with being a big sister. I imagine her tradeoff for the unusual "not always silver" trait is that her powers aren't necessarily weaker, per se, but they are less "stable", and she has particular issues with control. Which ties into her pre-existing issues with poor control in other aspects of how she conducts herself, and at least provides a stronger excuse than the show gives Ruby for being so slow to improve the Silver Eyes. the emotional aspect of using them could also be used to dig deeper into Yang's motives, like, have her start actively reflecting on how her initial reasons to be a Hunter are not necessarily *bad*, but they're kind of shallow and self-centered, being more about her own sense of freedom and excitement than anything else. And giving Raven Silver Eyes would actually be pretty damn interesting IMO. That whole Darth Vader-ish vibe of "You were basically the Chosen One, and you completely fucking blew it", along with at least *sort of* making up for how in canon, she basically hemorrhages most of her cool points and comes off as way more pathetic by the end of V5 (Also, Cinder would probably be lowkey scared pissless of her, which would ALSO be fascinating) Meanwhile, I think Ruby's continued relevance would actually *stem* from this change. Have Ruby know this is a big deal before the show even starts, because Yang awakened them to protect *her*. Have this basically serve to put Yang on a higher pedestal in her mind, which has the tradeoff of making her try harder and have a bigger desire to prove herself in exchange for being more of a psychological burden on her. (Also, giving her a chance to talk about this with Weiss and having them realize they have something in common because this increases Yang's parallels to Winter a bit could be interesting, and I don't even ship Whiterose all that strongly) Speaking of Ruby proving herself, it could be interesting to see her introduced with more focus on this increased desire to prove herself conflicting with a desire to "be normal". Which, when combined, I think basically becomes a sort of perfectionism caused by a somewhat fragile ego: "I want attention and praise, but I'm also terrified of rumors and controversy, and don't want anybody getting the wrong idea about me"

Oh look... another Weiss connection... even if it is really more like "doing different work to arrive at very outwardly similar conclusions" And simultaneously a means of being a Blake foil, as I imagine Blake here is sort of the opposite, perfectly willing to be an unsung hero and let people think what they want about her, at least to an extent. (the extent's limits being that she is initially still worried about that going so far as to legitimately threaten her safety and peace of mind, hence the ribbon)

[a-force-dyad-in-space]

Me, in my XY feels after rewatching Yi City last night: Let me check the character tag for some nice content about him

Me, while checking the character tag: *sees the most misguided takes about his character, incl. one where OP genuinely believed he would still be the bloodlusty, revenge-filled monster, even if he'd grown up in security like WWX without going through the trauma of losing his finger*

Do I think he likely would have grown up with resentful feelings toward YZY if she'd whipped him growing up? Sure, if that had been the case, but I don't think she would have resented him enough to do so.

Why, you ask? Because the main reason why JFM was so attached to WWX and YZY felt so threatened in regards to JC's neglectment was because of his history with WWX's parents, especially his mother. XY has no relations to WWX's parents, has no history with the Jiang clan, thus YZY would have had no reason to treat him the way she treated WWX.

Ergo, his growing up with them likely would have been very peaceful for the most part and he probably would have grown up loved, sheltered and a lot more emotionally stable. Can I imagine him being quick to anger? Sure, but not necesserarily out of his own volition but by osmosis of having grown up with YZY (whose character traits also heavily influenced JC). He and JC might have ended up pretty similar, but not necessarily.

It was never that XY had no sense of justice, his sense of justice was just always inflated and self-centered. No one, and I mean NO ONE, was looking out for him and his safety and comfort, so him looking out for himself first by whatever means necessary was a natural consequence.

He was abused by pretty much everyone he ever met (he himself said he was ALWAYS beaten up by everyone) UNTIL Xiao Xingchen saved his life in Yi City. That was LITERALLY the first time anyone had ever shown him genuine kindness in his life.

"And he thanked him by using his blindness against him, bla bla bla, so that's proof that he always would have been a monster even if people were nice to him, wah wah wah" I'm sorry, but did you miss the part where he'd already been through 20+ years of trauma at that point??? You really, genuinely think that a XY who had never gone through any of his childhood and adolescent trauma would still have made the exact same choices he made in canon???

Sure, his trauma is not an excuse for his behavior, but then again, his behavior probably would not exist without it.

He's a very loving person when he allows himself to be, even though he doesn't know that what he's experiencing is love and devotion, no matter how messed up it may look.

And we all know the tricking-XXC-into-killing-innocents thing only happened for a limited time; eventually, he stopped doing that. He loved living with XXC and AQ, that much is evident. If SL hadn't shown up, he would have kept living with them until the end.

Anyway, those bad takes just disappointed me, and they worry me with how little sympathy or compassion there seem to be behind them.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

This is a really interesting post to me, because I'm not sure if there is a point here at all (may well not be, lots of social media is just tossing thoughts into the void and that's fine) and if there is, what am I really supposed to be taking from this.

It's framed with [understandable] resentment towards the little girl who started crying and ended up receiving comfort and care OP needed. But like.

The little girl was probably not trying to "take" anything from OP. She was scared of blood. Is the frustration simply that she got all rather than some? Or is the implication that she shouldn't have been scared and therefore shouldn't have needed comforting in the first place? That's not how fear works, so hopefully not.

But since the other girl in the story in no way MADE anyone neglect OPs needs and is certainly not somehow more responsible for their choices [esp any adults present], then why does she come to mind when OP hears about empaths? Did she call herself one? Is it her sensitivity and willingness to accept comfort when offerred without question? Are those bad things? Because this seems like it might be conflating the traits of this girl with people who may have nothing to do with her, or even [from the sounds of it] the traits themselves.

Someone who calls themselves an empath is not inherently anything besides someone who calls themselves that, and as with any social self-identifier, there will be people who call themselves that regardless of whether or not they embody it. So is the frustration that some people calling themselves empaths are doing things on purpose that have this same effect of "need theft"? Why tie that to a child genuinely afraid of blood [a common child and adult phobia] here? What is the connection that OP finds brings this girl to mind?

I'm not exactly on any particular social-identifier team, as many who know me are aware, but I always think it's interesting to see the ways and reasons people position themselves in opposition to a particular social identifier. The opposition to Empath as a social identifier has always felt a little loosely associated with the actual act of self-identification, and more with feeling offended/angered/distressed by the perceived hypocrisy in a person. I often find that when opposition centers around hypocrisy it includes a degree of feeling helpless to change behavior someone else won't acknowledge, and I just don't know how helpful stewing in that resentment usually ends up being.

[yanzinator]

I know that in Lobotomy Corporation, there's a group of characters named after the Kaballah. Is there much more to naming them after it?

yayyyyy I get to talk about this!!

firstly I'd just like to say, kabbalah should not be used like this. It's cultural appropriation and desecration, but if you ignore the blatant disrespect, they obviously did some amount of surface level research, and it is kinda cool. I haven't actually learned kabbalah, because you need to be 40 to be allowed to, as well as whole bunch of other stuff, but I have learned chassidus, which is derivative, and it's allowed to be taught and learned. And also I have the wikipedia page open. Please keep in mind, this is all extremely surface level. There is so much more to all of this, but the only proper way to explain everything to someone who doesn't have any experience involves 3 different, extremely thick books.

so, Sfirot first, or as the game calls them, sephirot. Sfirah comes from the root word ס.פ.ר which means writing, sfirah usually means counting, in this case I'm not sure exactly what's the purpose of the word though. The sfirot are traits of god, through which he creates the world, we in turn also have them. I'm gonna go from top to bottom, (or bottom to top, because the game flipped them.) and go over each of their meanings

Angela is just a name, she's not based on a sfira.

Malkuth, based on Malkut, which is the noun form of the adjective from the root word מ.ל.ך meaning king or queen (root words are non gendered), this is just god's rule over the world, and the divine piece of him that is in us. There's nothing concrete about it. Malkuth leads the control team, which could be compared to being a queen.

Yesod, יסוד which is the noun form of the root י.ס.ד, meaning base, or foundation. This is why it's at the bottom of the sfirot, and it doesn't make sense flipped! Anyway, it is literally the foundation of the world, and the foundation of our emotions, and it's built with truth, which is why lying is so bad. I don't know why they chose to put it as the Information team leader.

netzach, נצח is it's own root word. It means eternity. it's what keeps the world going. It's our confidence. Basically

^ opposite of that... Security is sorta fitting by a long stretch, cuz he keeps the facility going, but like... ehhhhhh.

Hod, root word, means greatness. It's literally god's extreme overwhelming reality, and in us, it should manifest in humility ironically enough, because we should always be humble in the face of god's greatness. Hod's personality is actually really fitting, but I have no idea how it correlates to training team.

Tiphereth, or tiferet, תפארת which is the noun form of פאר meaning beauty, the last of the traits forming Chagat chassidus, which is emotionally based chassidus. This is probably irrelevant. It is god's beauty, and uh, according to wikipedia, it's our mercy/compassion, but as far as I know, it's supposed to be our glorifying of god. It doesn't make sense for it to be the command center, and also Tiphereth A completely contradicts it in terms of personality, but Tipheret B at least is accurate

Geburah, or Gvura, גבורה which is the noun form of ג.ב.ר meaning power, second trait of chagat, it's god's power and might, and our self-discipline. Extremely accurate character actually, 10/10, no notes.

Chesed, חסד, root word, meaning kindness, it's god's love for us, which includes mercy, forgiveness, help, uplifting, etc. it's the first and most important trait of Chagat which is still irrelevant, it's our ability to help others also. In game, the old Chesed is extremely accurate, but also the one you see during gameplay, is what you get if you have chesed without gvura, this actually touches on some core principles of chagat, but I don't actually trust project moon to have done that on purpose.

Hokma, or Chochma, חוכמה noun form of root ח.כ.ם, meaning smart or knowledge. This is the first trait of Chabad Chassidus (that's what my denomination is named after!!!) which is intellectually based chassidus. This is also irrelevant. This isn't a collection of knowledge, the best way I think to describe it is the intelligence stat in dnd. It's god's intelligence stat, which is obv infinite, and also our intelligence stat, and it should awaken Humility also, because of the intelligent comparison of us to god. His personality is spot on, but his job would be better handled by da'at I think.

Binah בינה which is the noun form of the root ב.י.ן not to be confused with בן boy, or בין between, it means understanding. Second trait of Chabad. If chochma is int, this is wisdom stat. Also, god has his stat in the infinite, we have it in normal levels, understanding also awakens joy, and happiness, because when you understand something, you're happy about it. Basically the opposite of the character again, and her job is irrelevant to the sfirah as well.

Da'at doesn't have a character, Carmen correlates though. Da'at דעת noun form of י.ד.ע meaning knowledge, but not in the chochma way, this is literally stuff you know. Last trait of Chabad. for god, this is the world itself, or maybe, the world itself is god's da'at, I'm not really sure. Our da'at is strengthened by learning torah, which is god's da'at, which unifies us with him. Sorry, it's complicated. Her job is sorta by a stretch, this.

And then there's no character linked with Keter. Keter כתר means crown. God's rulership over the world. The meaning of it for us is way too complicated to simplify into a tumblr post. This actually does kinda correlate with Angela though, so... idk what to make of that.

besides the sfirot, theres's some other stuff

the layers, are based on the actual worlds of hishtalshelut. The devs didn't even bother to include all four though, let alone pay attention to any sort of significance to them, so no point in doing that here either. atzilut is the highest world which is completely divine and non-physical, and the worlds get decreasingly divine in the order of atzilut, briyah, yetzirah, asiyah. They have a huge amount of significance in many ways, it was all completely ignored, maybe that's for the best though, less cultural appropriation.

Qlipoth, or klipot, means peels, (the object, not the verb for removing it), it's basically all the bad stuff, anything that's completely forbidden is one of the klipot. They cover us when we sin and distance us from god basically. Sorta translates

I'm pretty sure my venting about this is what caused this question in the first place but I'll bring it up again

the risk levels are letter/numbers. they go zayin, tet, he, vav, aleph, which is the number sequence 7,9,5,6,1, which is fucking stupid.

feel free to look this up and research more, but don't speculate or think about other ways to use this unless you know it really really in depth, because misuse of kabbalah has a history of causing a lot of Jewish death. If you want to learn it in depth, the Tanya is a simplification of it made to be taught to people who aren't fit to learn actual kabbalah, and lessons in Tanya is one of the easiest to understand explanations of the Tanya. I might be biased with that recommendation though, because I'm chabad.

[youaremysunshiness]

entry #16

My "friend" once told me that drama follows me and I was like “what?” I didn’t really listen to that at the time, but I realized that it has followed me in the past. I don’t wanna say that it does now because I don’t wanna manifest that but yeah I used to always have chaos around me and I think it’s because people treat me poorly.

Since I was a kid, I always attracted these friendships with women who were incredibly domineering and a little manipulative...okay not a little bit...very manipulative. I would always let them hurt me too because I always put others' feelings before my own, and that's what was happening between me and my "best friend." She would do very hurtful things to me and instead of just apologizing, she would make excuses and the one time she did apologize, it was like someone was holding a gun to her head. Also, another trait I've noticed that my past female friends have had were that they were dishonest. They would lie to me like it was second nature, and this girl lied. A lot. I used to fall for lies when I was younger, but now that I'm older I'm better at catching someone in a lie. There have been multiple occasions where she either admitted she lied or I found out that she lied to me or was keeping a secret from me (and telling everyone else), and that's just a HUGE red flag for me. Lying is never okay and it destroys trust. Sure, we all tell white lies once in awhile, but if you're always doing things/saying things or behaving in certain ways that you feel like you have to cover up or lie about, that will destroy trust in every relationship that you have. If you lie to me once, okay, just don't do it again. Twice, I'll start to question you. Three and more??? Times up. I'm out.

The thing is though, this girl lied to me so many times, destroyed my trust a long time ago, and I still forgave her. I still was her friend. I still was there for her. I held her when she cried at one of her sleepovers. I tried to be there for her in her darkest moments, but when I was in my darkest moments, she was nowhere to be seen. She even abandoned me in my darkest moments. My roommate did, too. When they went to Lucifer's party, and any other time I was hurt by their actions, they would just act like nothing happened or they would look at me like I was an alien. They never checked up on me either. They flat out ignored me. On the last day we were shooting, after rushing my set all day, I was crying in my bed after talking to one of my friends about it. She told me that I shouldn't take it personally. She made excuses for their bad behavior. Whenever I would approach anyone in the friend group about either of them, they would just make excuses. They weren't present on set. They were fooling around. They weren't listening to me when I gave them direction or told them where we were shooting. They were late every single day we were filming, especially my "best friend."

As I was crying under my blanket, K and L were joking around and getting ready for the concert. L would even stop and look at me, but neither of them even cared enough to ask me if I was okay. I was just lying there so fed up with them, just thinking to myself, "those two have no clue how self-centered they truly are." I was invited to the concert and they never said anything about it being a date. That's why I was angry. They don't think about their actions. They just make assumptions and do what they want to do. Why invite me when it was a date? Then they have the nerve to lie to me and say that they didn't invite me. Either they have really shitty memory or they just don't see past their own noses.

Since I've talked about this in therapy, I've realized that I was treated horribly by them. My therapist had to really remind me that I wasn't the problem which was crazy to me. I was always told that I was the problem or made to believe that I was the problem. I always blamed myself for everything, for being too sensitive, for being emotional. I always blamed myself, but they were pushing me too much. They didn't know how to treat me and I was starting to get really fed up with it. I hate how they treat B and how they treat everyone else around them. They know he's suffering and they don't do anything about it. They don't check up on him. Instead, they get other friends to pry information out of him about how he's feeling and then have them report it back to them. That's so wrong. That's so cowardly. B did not want you telling others his business, especially the girl he likes. WTF???? They are some of the most selfish people I've ever met. I was talking to my mom about it. I said, "Well, they're younger and 20, so naturally, they're gonna be selfish." She responded, "I don't know... when I was that young, I was never that selfish. I had my moments, but even then I was not that selfish. Neither were any of the other kids I went to college with." My therapist was even dumbfounded by the stuff I was telling her about them. She was even more furious at them than I was. She was upset that I was letting myself be treated that way and that I was blaming myself for all of it.

I guess the lesson I'm learning is that it doesn't matter what people tell you. They can tell themselves that they are mature and all that bullshit to make themselves feel better. If they tell you how much they care and blah blah blah, actions speak the loudest, and their actions reflect their true feelings. They do not care about anyone but themselves.

[bobaji]

request: toxic traits.

+ Can I request genshin men (childe, zhongli, xiao, diluc, and any other of your choice as toxic boyfriends plz? I'm a masochist like that + just toxic relationships, controlling, possessive yandere, mean doms etc + Not neccesarily nsfw, but if you want to add it I'll be happy with whatever!

note: i deviated from this request just a little bc it felt easier to write this way. hope you don't mind!

note 2: this doesn't contain any smut but i tagged it with dark content simply because of the nature.

childe.

childish.

he never takes anything seriously. if you're having a bad day, he takes any opportunity to "lighten the mood". he cracks jokes and ends up making a mockery of your pain. you can try all you want to explain to him what he's doing wrong but he really doesn't get it. he's just trying to make you feel better??? he just can't read a room.

self-centered.

additionally, if you try to call him out on the negative way he makes you feel, he turns it around to make it about him. he made you cry because he made a bad joke? well, why can't you see he was just joking. you're being dramatic and now he feels bad. he always figures out a way to make himself the victim, only thinking about himself.

zhongli.

controlling.

he's a god. despite the fact that he is playing human now, he still retains that need for control. this is especially true for money. if he thinks you shouldn't purchase something, he won't let you. if you do buy something he thinks is stupid, he makes sure you know and that you feel bad and silly for the purchase. he expects you to do everything he tells you to do, no matter how unreasonable it is. and he has very little tolerance for mistakes.

manipulative.

he is unintentionally manipulative. he doesn't realize he does it. additionally, he will gaslight you if you try and call him on it. he makes sure to tell you he thinks it's silly, the way you get all worked up over the things he says. if you don't like it, then why do you listen? he doesn't listen to everything you tell him, why can't you do the same? he doesn't understand the power difference between the two of you -- he is so obviously in charge, that it's almost impossible to not bend to his will.

xiao.

stubborn.

he's set in his ways. he has lived so long without worrying about others, he refuses to start now. he doesn't work on himself and chooses to live the way he does, no matter the effect on his loved ones. you knew what he was like going into the relationship, he expects you to always accept him. it's your fault if you expect more out of him than he can give. not that he would even try.

unaffectionate.

he doesn't see a need for affection. its such a human thing, something he doesn't need or understand. thinks it's annoying when you try to hold his hand or when you cuddle up to him in bed. if you wanted someone affectionate, then you picked the wrong one. and since he's so stubborn...he won't ever change.

diluc.

neglectful.

he can go long periods of time without so much as thinking of you. he lets you do what you want and doesn't really care. especially if he's preoccupied with his job or protecting the city. it gets to a point where you start to feel like he doesn't love you -- doesn't care about you. there's not much you can do about it, even if you sit him down to tell him how you feel, it just goes in one ear and out the other.

selfishly needy.

on the flip side, he expects you to be there and available whenever he does decide he wants you. and if you aren't, he gets upset and angry. it really isn't fair but he doesn't get that. he never understands it. after all, you begged for his attention for weeks and now you won't even make time for him? he doesn't understand just how hypocritical that is. he just expects you to be there when he wants you but doesn't care if he's not there when you want him.

kaeya.

condescending.

he does it at the most random times. you could be venting to him, in tears because you had a rough day and he'll break out "oh? you had a bad day? that sucks..." in the most infuriating, condescending tone that just makes you feel like he views you problems as silly in comparison to his. if you mess something up or get something wrong, he whips it out then too -- making sure you know he thinks you're stupid or beneath him.

unsympathetic.

in addition, he just really can't sympathize with your problems. either he doesn't care or he just doesn't get it. he refuses to understand either way. when you tell him about how you boss made you feel like shit, he just shrugs and asks what the big deal is. or if you're exhausted and near tears, he just shrugs it off and tells you that you're making a big deal out of nothing.

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