#I don’t wanna mask. but not is so painful. people won’t like me

[artificial-condition]

I’ve been hit with The Gloom

[actuallysaiyan]

Kinktober Day 17: Spanking/Exhibitionism(Give me your hands, 'cause you're wonderful...)

warnings/kinks: spanking, pussy spanking, semi-public sex, unprotected sex, exhibitionism word count: 0.8k pairings: Jason Todd x Fem!Reader/Dick Grayson x Fem!Reader teaser: “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll do exactly as I say,” His voice is very husky and deep, but there’s a seriousness to it that makes you know that you’ll be in trouble if you don’t listen to him./ “Don’t be quiet,” he whispers in your ear. “Scream for me, baby.” taglist: @beneathstarryskies. @loki-love. @witchofcustom. @dreadsuitsamus. @pyrofanatic @butterflieskeepcominback a/n: Dick's fic is under the cut! This is two short kinktober submissions

You lay awake at night in your bed, wondering if you’d ever see him again. You had riled him up so badly the last time only to be interrupted. Despite the fact that you could have just waited for him, you decided to leave. This caused him to become very frustrated with you and he knew he’d get even with you.

So when he crawls into your bedroom that night, your excitement quickly turns into nervousness. You aren’t sure what kind of punishment awaits you. Jason takes off his armor and domino mask, showing you the smug look on his face.

“Jay, baby…” you whimper before he kisses you roughly.

“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll do exactly as I say,” His voice is very husky and deep, but there’s a seriousness to it that makes you know that you’ll be in trouble if you don’t listen to him.

You nod your head, unable to say anything right now. He bites your bottom lip before maneuvering you onto your hands and knees. Already you’re so wet from him manhandling you.

“Take off your pants and panties, baby,”

You don’t even hesitate. You know it could be even worse for you if you were to talk back or even to defy him. Once your plump ass is bared to him, you hear him take a deep inhale.

“Oh I’ve got you whipped, don’t I?”

Before you can say anything, you feel his large hand coming down to slap your ass. This makes you cry out, arching your back a little. The pain feels so good, but it was so sudden and so intense. You feel his other hand tangling in your hair, pulling you back a little. Jason presses a kiss to your throat before he goes back to spanking you.

“Wanna hear you counting them, baby. Count them for me.”

You cry out when he spanks your ass once more, and he begins to play with your wet pussy. You know you’ll have to do exactly as he says or else you’ll be in for a very long night.

So you begin counting his spanks, and soon your perky ass turns from pink to an angry red. It’s not long before he begins to rub your skin to soothe it just a little, then he pushes one of his fingers into you.

“I just don’t think you’ve learned your lesson just yet…” 

You yelp as he pulls out of you and spanks your pussy, hitting your clit. Something about this is so new and exciting. You want more.

“Count ‘em for me,” Jason demands as he spanks your ass once more. “Or else, I won’t fuck you.”

Sneaking around with Dick is a lot of fun. His ability to keep you concealed whenever he’s out on the town makes it so much fun. He hides you from prying eyes a lot of the time. Until you and him find the perfect spot to put your love on display. He loves being able to find these spots where if people were to look in the right direction, they’d be able to see you getting fucked so good.

Tonight was no exception. After hiding you from all these eyes, he finally finds the perfect alleyway to push you up against the wall. He’s excited and he’s rock hard. Dick’s been thinking about this all day, knowing he’d get his chance to fuck you in public like this.

“Ahh, such a good little girl,” he whispers in your ear as he shoves your skirt up over your hips.

You let out a cute little groan when his long fingers begin playing with your already wet pussy through your cotton panties. It’s thrilling to do something like this out in the open like this. The cool night air feels so good on your exposed skin as well.

Your eyes roll back when he shoves two of his fingers into your cunt, pushing them just to the spot that makes you shudder. He begins to pump them in and out at a rate that makes your thighs almost give out. Then when he thinks you’re adequately aroused, he pulls his cock out and plunges so deep inside of you. 

“That’s my good girl,” he praises you as he starts to fuck you so hard. The cold brick of the building begins to dig into your skin.

You let out the sweetest moans that are just music to his ears. He loves showing off like this. Just pushing into you until you’re screaming for more…or for him to stop. Either way, anyone passing by will know just how good you’re getting fucked and that’s just like damn catnip to him.

“Don’t be quiet,” he whispers in your ear. “Scream for me, baby.”

He lets his hand sneak between your thighs to begin playing with your swollen, aching clit so that you begin to cry out in even more pleasure. Nothing could be more perfect than this.

[backtotheshitshow]

DOOMSDAY

(Ethan Landry x reader)

Warning: swearing, mentions of death and injury, etc

Y/n felt like she was going to be sick, the second that mask came off, Her whole world got flipped up side down. All she could do was stare at him.

“Ethan you know what to do,” his dad spoke, an next thing y/n knew she was running from her so called boyfriend. Rounding a corner she found her self stuck in a small room, ethan standing at the door.

I don’t want a violet end

Don’t say you’ll always love me

“Y/n. I don’t want to hurt you, I lo-“

“Don’t! I can’t fucking believe you! I almost died last week thinking I was saving you from being attacked walking home from econ,” y/n shouts at the boy, making a note of the knife in his hand.

“Y/n please I’m sorry. I had to for my family, for my brother.” Ethan tried to plead with her.

“ so what you’re gonna kill me? Everything was just some bullshit plan?” Y/n questioned him, rethinking every decision she made involving Ethan over the past couple of months.

I’d like to plan out my part in this

But you’re such a narcissist….

I don’t get a choice in the matter

Why would I? It’s only the death of me.

“NO!” Ethan yelled, pointing the knife at Y/n. “The plan had nothing to do with you. That was my choice.”

“Oh so you thought if you were going to kill a bunch a people you may as well get a good fuck while you can?!”

Pull the plug, but be careful

I don’t wanna die to soon

I think there’s good in you somewhere.

I’ll hang on til’ the chaos is through.

“No that’s not it at all”

“ oh really…” there was a second of silence. “well go on then!” Y/n demands.

“What?” ethan asked

“ you heard daddy, kill me!” Y/n yelled with all the pain in her heart.

“I..”

“You know when mindy sat me down to tell me to be careful around you, that it’s always the love interest. I told her that it couldn’t possibly be you, my sweet Ethan who built pillow forts for our dates, who stayed up all night next to me with a torch after the first attack. MY ETHAN who told me he loved me everyday!”

“Shut up!” Ethan yelled.

The death of me was so quiet

No friends and family allowed

Only my murder, you

It all happened so fast, y/n felt the burning pain grow from her abdomen. The only thing she could hear was his breathing, his empty apologies and cries.

Pulling the knife from her body, Ethan collapsed to the ground holding Y/n’s dying body.

And the funny thing is I would have married you

If you’d had stuck around

“I loved you.” Y/n breathed out through pain and gritted teeth, looking at what had be come of her sweet Boyfriend in the eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Y/n. I had to. “ Ethan cried. “ please forgive me I.. please” the boy begged.

“No” y/n did her best to speak as she felt her body begin to shut down. “I won’t. And I want you to know that… that this is on you.. my blood is always” y/n winced in pain. “ will always be on your hands. And that we could have been happy. “

Ethan watched as the light fade from her eyes and she was gone.

I had no choice in the matter

Why would I? It’s only the death of me.

////

A/n bawling my eyes out right now, enjoy.

[i-still-mask-because]

ok so i read a lot of things from other Covid conscious people about masking as community care and why it’s important to steer the conversation away from individualism, and I really do believe in that, and I worry so much about the people I see who don’t wear masks or take covid precautions

BUT i’m also absolutely petrified of developing any other health conditions because I already have several (not immune related & they don’t make me super high risk for covid) chronic pain/disabilities and i can barely deal with them as it is. & i feel like because i mask around literally everyone including housemates, there’s such a low risk of me passing anything on to other people that i don’t really need to worry about it? which only kind of makes sense so i try to check that thought when it comes up

I’m worried that my Covid precautions are just coming from a place of individualism anyways and maybe if I really cared about community care as much as i should, I wouldn’t be so focused on my own personal health?

and sometimes i feel like i’m “better” than my friends who won’t mask Anywhere (except in a car with me bc i asked them to) but if it’s all just coming from self-preservation, i worry i’m just as bad. (& obviously this is nuanced too, like i’m trying to talk to them abt this and understand their points of view in a way that makes space for them to join me in being covid-conscious but it’s arguably not accomplishing shit. too early to tell)

sorry this is very longg but basically i’m just wondering if you have any advice or thoughts on that, & how to be less individualist in my covid safety? thank u for everything you do on this blog, it means so much to me <3

Hey there 👋🏾

I don't think it's individualist if the main reason you mask is for self-preservation. There's a lot of people that are masking because they need to for their own self-preservation. And that doesn't make the choice to mask a self-centered, every-man-for-himself decision. It's just self-preservation, which is necessary. I'd rather hang out with someone that's masking because they know they cannot risk another covid infection over someone that dropped masking because, "It is what it is man, I just wanna live my life!". I think the fact that you want to survive is important, and you should give yourself credit for that. And from the outside looking in, you going out in public with a mask is community care in and of itself because there's without a doubt someone that needed the protection you're giving them.

In regards to you feeling like you're better than your friends; I honestly get it. I don't necessarily think I'm more superior than anyone for masking, but I get the feeling of feeling proud of myself for still staying strong in keeping up masking despite all the odds and alienation. And I get feeling good about being well-informed and prepared. You mentioned that you've been trying to get them on the same page as you, but it's been feeling like pulling teeth; I absolutely get how you're feeling. If you feel like this is impacting the way you perceive your friends, I think taking time to sit with and process the kind of dynamic you want with your friends could be helpful, and working from there. I wish I could suggest some covid-cautious counselors who may also understand for you to talk to, but I'm really not sure of anyone right now 😭 (if someone happens to know, please feel free to share!)

Anyone else is free to share their thoughts and suggestions, of course!

[enmmyheavenscg]

GREETINGS !

Hello everyone, it’s been a while, no?

I’m sorry for the inactivity, but I have not been in the best mental state im afraid.

TW FOR SUI MENTION, CHILD ABUSE [neglect, physical & emotional] , SH, HOSPITALIZATION, HEART ATTACKS & INCEST

Now through out the entire month of June, my mental health has gone downhill. I have shared this a couple times, yes but- I have not shared the full story.

On June 1st, my brother had recently gotten out of the hospital, during the time I had been living with my grandma. My grandma is absolutely horrible- she does nothing but make comments about me aswell as make me uncomfortable.

when my brother had gotten out and I was recently back home, all the attention had been on him- usually, I wouldn’t care and that would make the most sense, Yes but- to completely ignore your own kid- me. It’s the whole family that’s been ignoring me overall, which I don’t even care, it’s been like this my entire life and I hate it.

My mothers behavior hadn’t changed, she had even gotten worst, she’d raise her hand and hurt me- she does not understand how her actions affect me, and after she physically lays her hands on me she acts as if nothing had happened and that everything was normal. Her comments about my body, my health- my everything affects me and she finds it oh so ‘hilarious’ I’ve tried to tell her how I feel and she’s laughed in my face before- I hate this family in everyway.

The worst thing that had happened was when I happened to have a heart attack in call- and she brushed it off like it was nothing- we had also just recently been driving back from the hospital because my brothers stomach was hurting- wow because a kid having a heart attack is less important than a stomach ache-

I don’t mean to be selfish im just ? Angry with her, Angry with the whole world. My body is always in pain yet nobody could ever care, im always suffering . I’ve tried to end it 3 separate times and failed, I’ve relapsed multiple times aswell. I’ve been little so often it makes me feel guilty, Yes I know I’ve said before- ‘there is no such thing as being too little’ but I genuinely want to be big for once- I’ve had to mask being big multiple times and I just hate it, i wanna be a little kid. I want my childhood back. I want my old happy self back, nobody understands me- I don’t even understand me, dude.

June 25th- my brother had been in the hospital again during this time. He’s currently on the day Im writing this (July 10th) out of the hospital! He had been since July 1st. He had been in the hospital for a while during this time but- on June 25th I was heading to my cousins house, Finally. As much as I had fun there I was also extremely

Like- EXTREMELY uncomfortable.

My cousins were there- my cousin who forced me into a relationship with her, made me do uncomfortable things with her was there.. and so was my younger cousin, my younger cousin who would touch me in places I asked her not to, unlike the older cousin, I had genuinely told my mother that my cousin was touching me in places I didn’t want. My mother didn’t believe me, she used to be like ‘oh she’s just a child, she doesn’t know better’ which was just disgusting.

June was just. Absolutely horrible, if I had the chance once again, Id truly end it all. It’s not fair, why does everyone hhab it good but not mme I deserve to be happy, Don’t I?

I’d truly start a fundraiser for myself so I could leave this house but, im stuck here. There is no way in hell I could possibly leave- perhaps when im 18, I’ll have the chance to.

But but- this whole post isn’t about me pitying myself, it is about me taking a break.

I will be going on break Yes, I’ll mostly be on in discord, just won’t be speaking to people much, if you decide to check up on me in discord I’ll probably reply, apologies if not.

I wont be away for long as much as I’ve gone through a lot, I’ll probably take a couple days

I mite take like .. 5 days (on discord and all my social media..) and be back. PLEASE. Please try and reblog this if you can.

Remember to stay safe everyone and that i love you all !

This is Emmy signing off ! Bye bye ! 🩵

[actorsmask]

🎭 Song Challenge 🎭

Share at least 5 songs that you associate with or remind you of your muse!

Love Like You - Rebecca Sugar

I always thought I might be bad

Now I’m sure that it’s true

‘Cause I think you’re so good

And I’m nothing like you

Look at you go

I just adore you

I wish that I knew

What makes you think I’m so special

Moral of the Story - Ashe

Talking with my mother

She said, “Where’d you find this guy?”

Said, “Some peoeple fall in love with the wrong people sometimes.”

Some mistakes get made, that’s alright, that’s okay

You can think that you’re in love, when you’re really just in pain

Some mistakes get made, that’s alright, that’s okay

In the end it’s better for me, that’s the moral of the story babe

Poison - Blake Roman

I got so good at being untrue

I got so good at telling you what you wanna hear

I disassociate, disappear

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

So far beyond difficult to resist another gulp

Yeah, I know it’s poison, you’re feedin’ me poison

I’m chokin’ from the taste and I can’t help but swallow up your poison

I made my choice, and every night, I’m wasted like there’s no tomorrow

Se mettre sur son trente-et un ! - HOYO-MiX

Le monde n’est qu’une scène (The world is just a stage)

Il vaut mieux rire que pleurer (It’s better to laugh than to cry)

Car le rore est le propre de l’homme (Because laughter is unique to man)

Riez de tout cela, ne vous inquiétez pas (Laugh it all, don’t worry)

Portions d’aujoird’hui (Let’s enjoy today)

Happy Face - Jagwar Twin

Hey, put on a happy face

Then everything’s okay

Put on a happy face

Say you’re good, say you’re fine

Tell ‘em everything’s alright

Hollywood on your timeline

Telling you what to wear and what to like and how to be

All Too Well (10 Minute Version) - Taylor Swift

Well, maybe we got lost in translation

Maybe I asked for too much

But maybe this thing was a masterpiece ‘til you tore it all up

Running scared, I was tjere

I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise

So casually cruel in the name of being honest

I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here

‘Cause I remember it all, all, all

They say, “All’s well that ends well” but I’m in a new hell everytime

You double-cross my mind

-

-

-

Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it

I’d like to be my old self again

But I’m still trying to find it

After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own

Now you mail back my things, and I walk home alone

Tagged by: @masked-genie

Tagging: @4a-t5u, @arc1t3ct, @spaceoddityhsr! You may join even if you aren’t tagged :)))

[matchahater]

“What the hell?” Kyle demands, slamming Jason’s apartment door behind them. Jason figures his neighbors are pretty used to that sound by now. “You wanna give me a warning next time you’re about to shoot somebody in front of me?”

“You didn’t stop me,” Jason says. He accepts that this will be an argument, sees the opening and slots his words through it. It's easy to twist them in the right way. “You got a problem with how I do things?”

Kyle scowls at him, tearing off his mask and slapping it down on the table. He could just take the ring off, Jason thinks, but that wouldn’t have any dramatic effect. “Are you trying to talk about morality with me right now? Seriously? You executed that guy. I don’t need to be associated with that shit, in front of witnesses-”

“You wanted to take him to jail?” Jason raises his eyebrows, digging in. “Where he’d rot for the rest of his natural life? You think that’s better?”

Kyle’s jaw works as he rests a hand against the tabletop, dark eyes still meeting Jason’s. “You're not a judge or a jury, Jason. Neither am I. It’s not our job-”

“Bullshit,” Jason retorts, breaking into a bitter smile. He knows Kyle doesn’t really believe that, no matter how holy he wants to pretend he is. “You think I didn’t know that guy was a trafficker? You think I didn’t have evidence? You and I are far more prepared to deliver justice than the state ever was, and you know it.” He leans back against the wall, sizing Kyle up, and relishes the irritation on his face. “What's justice look like to you, huh? How many chances should he have gotten?"

“We’re not talking hypotheticals,” Kyle snaps, making a sweeping gesture with an arm. He’s talking with his hands again, the way he does when he’s upset. “You can’t know what would’ve happened to him. You can’t know what the victims would’ve wanted.”

“You think you’re better than me." Jason folds his arms, feeling the cheap plaster flake onto his jacket. “But I’ve already thought through every moral dilemma about taking a life. I don’t regret a thing.” He cocks his head. “Does that bother you?”

“I don’t think I’m better than you,” Kyle says through gritted teeth. He does take the ring off, then, as if to emphasize his point. His costume flickers out of view as he sets the thing on the table. Now there are two men in the room. “I’m not Batman, asshole. I’ve killed people.”

“And I bet you’re so fucking broken up about it.” Jason rolls his eyes and pulls out the chair in front of him, taking a seat. They both know that move. He’s settling in for a long argument.

Kyle glares at the ceiling like he wants to punch a hole in it. He could, if he wanted to - but Jason’s willing to bet he doesn’t have the money to pay damages. “You really get on my fucking nerves, y’know that?”

Jason laughs sharply. “Then why do you keep showing up to my apartment, Rayner?”

It takes Kyle a long second to pull out the chair across from him, and another one to sit down, like every movement that gets him closer to Jason is physically painful. Jason can admit it’s a little bit glorious. “You can do whatever you want,” Kyle says finally, staring at the ring on the table. “But you don’t get to pretend you’re better than me, either. I know you feel a sense of responsibility too. It’s not my fault we've had different fucking life experiences.”

Jason presses his lips together. Even he’s not a big enough asshole to dig at Kyle about Alex. “I just think,” he says slowly, trying to soften his tone just a little, “that you decided you know what kind of person you are, and that it’s not the same kind as me. But I’ve seen you in action, Rayner.” He leans forward slightly, nodding at the ring. “That thing makes you do shit you never thought you’d be able to do. And I’m not talking about your magic tricks.”

Kyle’s eyes slide vacantly to the wall behind him, and Jason knows he’s toed a line. He won’t know if he’s crossed it unless Kyle gets up and leaves. “I wish I never fucking met you,” Kyle says coolly.

Jason didn’t expect that to hurt. “Because I make you think deeply about your actions?” he retorts, trying to numb the sting. “God forbid you think too hard about anything you do, or your head might explode from the complexity of your moral code. Jesus Christ.”

“Do you ever shut up?” Kyle passes a hand over his face, rubbing hard at the bridge of his nose. “Can you stop psychoanalyzing me for two goddamn seconds, Jason?”

Jason watches him try to force the anger out of his body. “Not my fault I’m perceptive,” he says. He backs down.

“You don’t know me as well as you think you do,” Kyle says flatly, dropping his hand to rest it on the table.

"Seriously?" Regardless of how easily they piss each other off, there are times when Jason feels like Kyle is the one person, the only one who gets where he's coming from. Thrust into a situation out of his control. They know each other, like it or not. They make sense. “You had a traumatic experience, and it made you realize that the universe doesn’t give a shit about anyone," he says, trying to take the venom out of his voice. It takes up too much space in the small room. "So you decided to become the person that gave a shit.” He shrugs slightly. "Not that different from what happened to me."

Kyle’s still for a long moment. Jason wonders if they’ll actually end in agreement, this time. Then he shakes his head. “You’re so obsessed with the idea that we’re the same,” he says slowly. “That you finally have somebody who's gonna relate to you. Fine, Jason. You get me.” His eyes are indecipherable as he gets to his feet. “But I don’t understand you at all.”

[feral-and-unashamed]

Killer No.7

Summery: the “people” of the rooftop appear to want to help you more than you originally thought

Word count: 2509

Estimated read time: 12 mins

Tw:injuries, swearing, implied trauma.

A/N: I don’t have a beta reader anymore so if there are any mistakes I do apologize!

Raph(TMNT) x FEM!reader

꧂~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~꧁

Chapter 4

A turtle?…

Looking back at you are wide blue eyes and an orange tattered mask adorning green skin. You don’t know how long you stare at his eyes before he quickly sets you down and scurries a few feet away.

“Sorry I just didn’t want you to fall! Didn’t mean to scare ya bro!”

….

‘Scare ya bro’?

‘Turtle man?’

‘Is this one of the creators?’

‘If he is he doesn't seem to recognize me’

You stand straighter and ignore the pain and rain dangling on your eyelashes. “Who are you?”

“Oh! Well uuuhh-“

He’s cut of by a larger turtle man soaring over him before stomping down in front of you with a big ‘THUD’.

“None of your concern! Why are you bleedin’!? Who ya work for huh?” This turtle man sports a red mask rather than orange.

You step back from his yelling, in fear.

“Work for? I told you I hurt myself!” You tremble and start to tear up again.

‘Does he know I was for the cuffs? Are these mutants affiliated? Fuck. They could kill me…’

The orange turtle speaks up and placed his hand on the red one’s shoulder.

“Hey c’mon Raph. She’s hurt. Cut her some slack, yo”

‘Raph’

‘And Mikey’

‘Raph and Mikey. Turtle men’

“Nah! Why the fuck is she bleedin all fuckin crazy?! And the screaming? She’s workin for someone!”

The two turtle men begin to argue. You cry again. It’s been a night man.

“ENOUGH” another turtle jumps off the small water tower atop the roof. He slowly but confidently strides to you. Before bending his knees to be at your level. He speaks.

“Pardon their manners ma'am. They’re idiots.” He glared at them. The orange one pours while the other huffs and walks away from the orange one annoying him. He’s blue. And taller than the other two.

“I’m only going to ask you this once, okay?”

You know it’s not a question. But you still nod. They could still be affiliated with shredder. You need to think of an out. Playing dumb on working with the cuffs won’t save you from this. It’s getting hard to think over the rain.

‘FUCK! Stop crying! They’ll know you’re weak! Just stop crying!’ You tell yourself.

“Do you. Work for. Anyone.” The blue one asks.

You shake your head innocently. “I’m not sure I know what you mean? Work for someone? Why would I be hurt from that? I’m just very lost. Please let me go.”

“Hey hey.” The blue one stands. “We won’t hurt ya..”

He thinks for a minute.

“EY D!” The blue turtle yells to the shadows. “Come scan her. See what’s wrong with her”

Scan.

Scan means bones and injuries.

Bones.

Wing bones not gone yet.

Know I’m not human.

Caught.

Killed.

“What!?” You shout. All the turtles, including a new purple one look at you.

“Hey” the orange one says “we just wanna see how hurt you are. We ain’t gonna eat you or nothin.”

“That makes it sound like we want to eat them. Mikey.” The blue one rolls his eyes.

“No no no no.” You insist. “I’m fine. I just gotta be goin” you you turn.

“Hey no we aren’t done here” the red one says.

Before they can stop you, you have taken off running on the roof tops.

“Hey!! Come back!!” The blue yells after you.

You can hear their feet banging the concrete behind you. As you jump from roof top to roof top you think of a plan.

‘Okay. They seem dangerous. Can’t let purple one scan me before my wingbones either disappear or heal into my vertebrae. I’ve never tried to “heal” a new formed bone, but I don't have time to let it naturally go away. I have no other choice but to try, I can’t use my speed because of my energy.’

As you think you notice a little spot you can veer into while they try to find you. Too small for them. But just big enough for you to fit into.

You jump into the shadows while they fly over head before stopping.

“Yo. She like, disappeared” the orange one says.

“She couldn’t have gone far. Find her!” The blue one shouts.

You don’t have much time. You sit down and think.

‘I don’t know if I have enough energy to even try… I can’t heal the other wounds. I know I can’t escape them. If I can trick then into thinking I’m fully human I might be safe. I may not have a lot of energy but I need to try!!’

You curl into a ball while you try to “heal” your spine. After a few minutes you begin to feel all your wing bones migrate to the middle of your back. On their way some of them find their way to your exposed wound and you try not to make noise from the pain. When all of them find a way to your spine the slowly start disappearing. You can feel them go away.

‘It’s working! my bones are fusing!’

Within a few more moments you are done. You take as deep of a breath that you can with your broken ribs.

You can hear those turtle men near you. You wonder if you can run. You stand from the crevasse of the roof and try to sneak away. But all of the sudden. Your legs…. They go numb. And your head… when did everything get all blurry..

‘Oh… oh no! Not now! Anytime but now!’ You are all out of energy. No power to heal. No power to stand. It’s so hard to keep you eyes open.

“There she is!” One yells.

But just as he yells.

You faint.

Blink.

“Keep her head off the cement and the rain off her fac-“

Blink.

Blink.

“We have to take her back to the lair we have no choice”

“The other choice is safety. Leo!”

Blink.

Lights out.

꧂~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~꧁

Your head hurts. You can hear the rapid beat of your heart in your own ears. An icy cold beneath you licks at your skin. You can feel your fingers and can take a deep breath in again. You open your eyes.

You are alone.

In an unknown room. Not a part of the cuffs home but not, not somewhere the cuffs could be. You sit up and observe your surroundings.

There are computer screens everywhere. Robotic pieces and test tubes scattered about the floor. You were lain atop a cold metal work desk. You focus on how your body feels while you keep an eye on the door. Finger still broken. Rib still broken. Back…. Stitched up? You look down. Your finger is in fact still broken but in a proper cast. You lift up your shirt to reveal a salv or oil of some sort has been rubbed onto the large bruise and covered with a clear bandage. Your hands feel at your back to check. You were right. You have stitches.

‘If they wanted to hurt me.. why would they dress my wounds?’ You wonder to yourself.

While lost in wonder one of the turtles had entered the room. Unnoticed.

“Hey, you’re up!” He announces.

You jump and quickly scatter off the table into a corner.

“Oh no no no.” The turtle in orange says quietly. “I know I look pretty scary but I promise I don’t wanna hurt ya.” he holds out a plate of food. It looks good. You haven’t seen it before. While with the cuffs you did get upgraded meals but they served meals that could feed everyone. A lot of oatmeal and soup. An occasional sandwich here and there, but never anything that looked like this.

“What is it…?” You ask. Standoffish.

“What?” He looks really confused. “You really don’t know what this is?”

“No..?”

“It’s pizza, dude!”

You flinch.

“Sorry, sorry.” He says quieting down. “ I can set it here and back up so I don’t get near you, you can try it. And maybe we can talk, yeah?”

‘He seems understanding. What’s his angle?’

You nod in agreeance. He does as he said and sets the food and backs up. You crawl to it before picking it up and retreating back to the corner.

He steps forward to where the plate once was.

“Can I sit here?”

You nod.

“Would you like a drink?”

You nod again. You don’t know how long it’s been since you had something to drink. You didn’t even realize how thirsty you were till he said something about it.

He holds up a bottle of water and a small shiny can. You wonder what it is. He sits down and rolls the water to you from where he sits. Not moving from the boundary he set for you. You appreciate it.

“Do you know what this is?” He points to the can in his other hand.

You shake your head ‘no’.

“It’s a soda.” he says, utterly confused. “And you’ve never had one?”

Another shaken ‘no’.

“It’s like juice but with a lot of bubbles and a lot sweeter. Do you want to try it?”

You don’t give an answer.

“I’ll give it to you anyway. You should try it” he rolls the can to you. “Be careful when you open it. It could go everywhere if you shake it”

You nod and set it aside before looking at the “pizza” as he called it.

What if he did something to it?

Be cautious.

You pick it up and take a bite. No taste of any known chemicals or substances. No threat detected. You begin to chew. It’s good. You smile softly. You didn’t realize you were eating fast until Mikey asked if you liked it.

“Yes” you softly reply as you finish it.

“I’ll get you more in a second if you want?”

“Yes please”

“Okay, let’s start with questions.” He claps his large 3 fingered hands together. “I’m Mikey.-“

“I know.” You say opening up your water.

“Uhhh how did you-“

“The other ones said it. You are Mikey. The scary one is raph. The blue was Leo. And the last was Donnie. You all said each others names”

“Wow you remember all that? I can even remember what I ate half the time.” He laughs. You like that sound. It sounds so safe from him.

“What’s your name?”

“B-Blair” you stutter not knowing if you should lie.

“Blair. Okay Blair. Are you okay?”

“Yes”

“Why were you all alone?”

“I…I got lost”

“How did you get hurt?”

“Someone hurt me” not technically a lie.

“Why were you crying?”

“I was scared”

“Scared of what?”

“That they would find me….” Why am I telling him this? He could be working for them!

“Who? The people that hurt you?”

“….yes…”

“Did you run away from them? Is that how you got lost?”

“Yes.” None of this is a lie, just not entirely the truth.

“Would those people happen to work for someone called the shredder? Have you ever heard of people called the foot clan”

You freeze. So they do know them. Unfortunately your face and frozen shock show him the answer he was looking for.

“You are safe now. They can’t hurt you. I promise.”

What? He wants to protect you from them? You need the answers. You have to ask.

“Do..” you can’t breathe. “Do you work for them..?” You look him in the eye.

And the way that he says “no” really makes you believe him. The way he exhaled and the ways his eyes soften at you make you believe every word that has ever been uttered to you.

I trust you.

“I’ll be back okay?” He stands and as he walks away he looks back at you. “I’ll bring you another slice too, yeah?”

You nod. He smiles.

He leaves and shuts the door behind him. You just sit in the corner. The air is stuffy. There are no windows anywhere and you can hear a subway station above you.

“I’m underground” you state to no one in particular.

꧂~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~~🥀~~꧁

You had been playing with your hands trying to take in as much information about your surroundings as you could.

You eventually thought some things over. They don’t know you aren’t human yet, they know nothing of your powers. Maybe if they think you are just human you can use that to your advantage. They seem nice enough but you’ve only just met.

Your thoughts are cut short as Mikey appears again.

“Hey dude, can I ask you a favor?” He leans on the door.

“What is it?” You ask. Not wanting to say yes before knowing.

“My brothers don’t believe what i told them and they said they wanna hear the whole story from you.”

Fuck.

‘I don't like lying. Maybe if I tell a few tiny ones to keep my life it’ll help me?’

You stand weakly. “If I have to….” Your voice has been shaky since they met you. They probably think you are weak or scared. You are scared. But you don’t think you’re weak.

Mikey comes over to you and helps you walk. He seems so nice. You hope it’s not a bit.

You exit the weird lab area and your eyes widen in wonder. They live in an old abandoned subway station. There are skateboards everywhere, A game machine, Computers and monitors, a whole wall of boomboxes. There are a couple old fashion Japanese doors that are closed, blocking the contents of the other side from your view. Mikey walks you down to the lower platform that they have turned into more of a sunken living room. What once was stairs is now couch cushions. He helps you lower onto the cushions, and sits beside you.

There you are. Facing Mikey’s brothers as they stare back at you.

“Just tell them what you told me” Mickey nudges you.

Breathe in

Breathe out

“My name is Blair” you hate how scared you sound, but you continue. “Then I was very little I was taken by some people. I don’t know why they took me..” Lie. “But they did. I was trained to be a fighter at about 12 years old. After a small accident where I failed” kinda lie. “Those people gave me over to new people. I was bought. These people hurt me….. I’ve been in a cage my whole life…” you begin to cry. “I got away and I just didn’t know where to go. I’m not a good fighter, and I was scared! I-I thought they were gonna kill me. I had nowhere else. I got away and now I’m lost…”

You are sobbing now. You don’t like admitting you are scared. But here you are.

You feel something touch your shoulder, when you look up you see the blue turtle looking at you. Leo as you remember.

“We won’t let them hurt you. We promise. We don’t know how to convince you we are the good guys so please, believe us.”

‘I want to. I really do’ you think to yourself.

The red turtle “tsk”s in annoyance before getting up fo leave.

Mikey hands you another pizza. You feel safe here. No threat detected. You are just so scared. You need them to think you are human. You don’t know why you think tricking them is the best course of action, but it seems like the only option.

You just sit on the turtles couch as they all move to a different corner to talk. You know the only reason they didn’t completely move rooms is because they want to keep an eye on you, and that’s okay. You have nothing better to do. Might as well see where this road leads.

[ellascreams]

You know I frequently think about what Magnus Archive entities different characters from things would be warlocks for but I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about any of my thoughts on it before. Maybe I should start doing that, just for fun. Someone might find it interesting. This one is for IEYTD because I don’t expect this hyperfixation to die very soon. Spoilers for all the games. Oh and if you want to use this as inspiration for some weird crossovers you can, but please tell me if you do, because I wanna see it.

Agent Phoenix: The End This one is especially fitting if you think of the time loops as being in universe, stuck dying again and again, but it works even without that. Constantly close to death, feeling the fear of death, but never actually dying. Causing others fear because their friends have to deal with grief and their enemies have to be terrified every time they survive something they shouldn’t have. You could make an argument for The Beholding, you can for most protagonists, but it doesn’t make as much sense to me.

Handler: The Beholding He watches his agents do such dangerous things and can’t do much more than watch. He can help in someways but not too many. I imagine it would also be uncomfortable for Zoraxis agents to know they’re being watched by someone who they can’t see, someone other than the agent in front of them. Alternatively, he could be The Web. (“A mere puppeteer, they only enslave you,”) I just don’t think that works as well since he also has to answer to The Agency and he doesn’t have any malicious intent with his manipulations.

Dr. Zor: The Web Constantly orchestrating schemes from the shadows, has no loyalty to anyone and will kill their highest ranks without remorse if they interfere with their plans, too clever to ever be caught, and knows what Phoenix will do well enough to leave messages for them. Could also make arguments for The Stranger, The Beholding, The End, and The Extinction, but I think all of those connect back to their plotting and masterminding.

Daniel Sans: The Corruption Very minor character but I felt like adding him here. He made a super virus. That’s it that’s all I’ve got.

Zoraxis AI: The Buried Specifically the one in the escape pod. Does this even count as a character? No idea, but you can’t tell me that escape pod doesn’t sound like it would be the subject of someone’s statement if they got out of it alive.

Hivemind: The Corruption He’s literally just bees. Like, a bunch of bees. His name is Hivemind. What else can I even say?

Solaris: Uh The Vast Maybe? Because space? I’ll be honest I’m not really sure about this one, if anyone has any ideas I’d love to hear them.

The Fabricator: The Desolation She seems to enjoy the pain she causes with her inventions, whereas some of the scientists in game seem more like they’re just hurting people for the sake of their science. I’d also definitely accept The End for her since death traps are kind of her main thing.

John Juniper: The Stranger He’s got the masks, the acting and lying, he impersonates people, it seems like a perfect fit honestly. I guess he could maybe work for The Spiral but that’s mostly because it’s so similar to The Stranger.

Gibson: The Beholding Ok this one might sound a bit weird but hear me out. Phoenix pretends to be Gibson for a reason, his radio allows him to eavesdrop and he probably does eavesdrop just so he won’t miss Juniper’s commands. Gibson is just a butler, but he hears all about these worldwide conspiracies and gets caught in the crossfire, and there really isn’t much he can do about it. Except threatening to share the things that he’s heard, which is very affective, because he’s heard a lot of important secrets.

Shawn in HR: The Beholding Honestly he really does give me archive assistant or object storage vibes. Just doing his job hearing about and sorting the horrors. The big difference is that the horrors in this situation are corporate espionage and conspiracies.

Dr. Prism: The Extinction Ok once again, this may seem a bit weird, but hear me out. Her main goal in game is to replace the agents with robots and there is an element of humanity being replaced to The Extinction, not just everyone dying. Then there’s Zor’s betrayal destroying all her robots at once. Then she helps Phoenix save all the agents in the world from death. Even if it’s never an extinction of humanity she certainly has experience with extinctions. An alternate might be The Hunt because of her obsession with revenge and killing Phoenix or Zor, and the Agency trying to track her down.

Robutler: The Stranger or The Spiral He just seems so friendly and happy to talk to you while he attempts to kill you.

Ollie: The Lonely I swear this isn’t just because Ollie’s voice reminds me of Alexander J Newall’s. The poor guy just got abandoned in the ocean for like at least a month. His coworkers and bosses seem to be pretty mean to him too.

Director Morales: The Web He really is just running The Agency behind the scenes. We really don’t hear much about him orchestrating anything but maybe that’s just because he’s really good at it. Out of all these characters, he would probably be the creepiest to me if he was actually a warlock for an entity.

The Phantom: The Web We really don’t know much about them but they manage to leave coins for Phoenix to find everywhere they go knowing that they’ll find them. Very Web like behavior. Maybe The Hunt. The coin thing is kinda like a scavenger hunt and they do have to track down Phoenix to leave those clues.

[soir-rouges-esprit]

xxvi.h: Son of Salem, No that’s NOT TRUE ... “YES … Yes it is true … and gods did I arrive at the perfect time! HeheHAAAAAA … Feeling Helpless are we??” Shut your FUCKING MOUTH!!!! “OH HO!!! THERE HE IS!!!! … The PASION!!!” He walks around me … menacingly. “THATS!! What I like to see … more of that and maybe you would have secured your spot wi … oh no … wait no, I guess that happened because you said a little too much now didn’t you?” I start to wheeze some more, breath heavy and quick. “You can’t fear ME!!! We are the same! We are one! … I’m not the by-product of those other two FUCKS! HA.” He leaned in close and grabbed my chin. “I’m the by-product of You!” I whip my head away and look at him with anger, although I know he only sees the fear in my eyes. “I wanna ask you a few questions” Go Fuck Yourself! “Gladly! … probably after my questions honestly.” he giggled. “Do you think there is even a lasting thought of you in their head? … think you’ve managed to carve something out in there? News flash! … that head was rotten.” He giggled again. “Think about how easy it must have been … to just … drop you … flick of a switch I imagine.” He giggled again all while walking back and forth in front of me. “maybe how much you put in, and how little you get out … some people would have, oh I don’t know … realized what was happening a bit sooner? You know … would have left and caught the next train ride out before shit hit the fan.” stop it … “We’ve always trusted our gut … It’s the only reason we’ve made it as far as we have … it’s all we got … “friend” … ” … “But you … you decided, for some reason, that the gut was untrustworthy … man has that backfired huh? Guess that’s what you get for going against yourself right? That’s what you say all the time Right!? If you’re not being you then what are you doing? and whom for? That masks are all just LIES … put on to shroud people's opinions of you … that it’s cowardice and self-destructive to mask … because the only person you’re fooling is who again?” shut the fuck … up “ooooh right … only fooling yourself.” I aggressively splash water in his direction, which … doesn't even make it to him. “Don’t act like this doesn't hurt me to … think I wanna see you of all people down here with me? Think I asked for this? DO YOU!” He jolts towards me, scrunching his face in anger, showing his teeth and eyes burning brighter than before. “No” he backs away … eyes dim slightly and he adjusts his collar. “No I don’t wish to see you hear of all places at all … I actually want to see you surrounded by white marble, gilded in gold … sitting on a throne with a Stupid Fucking! *sigh* … crown on your head.” He leans down to a Slavic-like crouch and faces me. If you’re here to end me on behalf of Wrath and his Deformities … just do so already, Just … end it already … even you can see my pain now … what my decisions and trust has gotten me … please … please don’t make my suffering greater than it already is … If I’ve lost … so be it, congratulations you’ve won I give up, that what you wanna hear? “Wrath?” … He makes a puzzled face. “Oh … you think … ha … Haha … HAHAHA … You think I work for WRATH!!! You think I’m a lackey here to do his DAMN BITTING?” … I stare confused and in pain. “I’m not here on behalf of him … or anyone else for that matter.” what? Then … why? “Like I said … don’t wanna see you here … never again.” huh? “So … “friend” … I’ve come to offer you a deal” No … no not gonna happen. “Seeing as you’ve really no choice … I fail to see how you won’t accept … unless of course … you really have been that damaged in your slumber like all the talk I hear, just as Wrath preaches … in that case maybe it is best you die.” … “I wanna offer you” He grins devilishly and is enshrouded in darkness. “ …  my help … ” He giggles again. “My allegiance MY power, the one you’ve been missing this entire time … the one you crave the most … I will join you … and help you remove that Parasitic tick Wrath from The City and win this shitty little civil war” … why? ... [To Be Continued]

[hinataxsunshine]

— ignoring me ranting. Look. I love Hinteru. So much. And I’ll probably talk about their relationship another point but I wanna just ramble about Agunata atm. And I apologize about definite mis-characterization about the cannon characters..

They have such a deep meaning to me, and I love their relationship so much. It starts out with Aguni not being too sure they should let this “kid” ( this 20 year old boy. Aguni is about 30 I think here and Takeru 36 ) hang around them. He likes it just being just him and Takeru. Hinata on the other hand is thrilled. He isn’t used to friends, he grew up having to play perfect son and have the kids at school ostracize him. So even if Aguni isn’t too fond of him, he’s still happy he’s letting him around

And of course, as time goes on— the two grow closer. And Aguni grows to care for Hinata. I have him realizing he has feelings for Hinata or developing feelings about a year before the events of the Borderlands

In the borderlands, s1 Agunata won’t have much development until probably Hatter dies. They aren’t able to develop because Aguni has his job as the Militant General. He has to be cold and cruel and mean and he cannot show that he truly does care for Takeru and Hinata. Hinata doesn’t fully understand it. He understand to an extent. Understands that in order to keep everyone in place, they must pretend. But Hinata hates pretending. His friends mean so much to him. They were the first people besides his sister to care about him. So Hinata will do whatever he can, even if it will cost him his life to help them get back.

He knows Aguni likes Takeru. And he knows Takeru likes Aguni. But of course he’s obvious to the fact that those two could like him as well. So in his mind, as long as he gets them back, they’ll be happy— right?

I keep jumping around but I can never think about one thing at a time

Anyways, once Hatter dies— that’s when they finally start to connect more. There’s a moment that will always be dear to me from my own writing.

When Hinata sees Hatter on the table, he is shattered. He can’t even really fathom in. Takeru seemed unbeatable. Sure he was losing his mind, going crazy in a place like this. But he was still his Takeru.. and Aguni.. he seemed like he didn’t care. Was it a mask? Hinata was too emotional to think clearly. Once the meeting was over, Hinata left first. Fuck that. He despised Niragi, threatening him with a gun. He liked Aguni as the leader.. right?

Hinata is terrified. Takeru was gone, would Aguni still be his friend? He knew that when they first met, Aguni wasn’t fond of him. But now.. now that the person who tied them together is gone.. would he drop him? Was he only around because he tolerated him for the man he loved?

Anyways, he finds himself in Aguni’s room and once Aguni arrives— because he knows Hinata wants answers. Answers he can’t give but.. he knows his friend. Knows about his friend that he loves. Hinata breaks down, screaming and crying and asking why he didn’t warn him. Hitting his friends chest. And Aguni calms him down the only way he knows, wrapping a arm around his chest and pulling Hinata close. Using his strength to keep him close to his chest and putting a hand on the back of his head.

Anyways. Once the Ten of hearts happen, Hinata is better but still he’s.. hes fucked. And now not to mention that he’s blind in one eye. When he finds out that Aguni was the one who killed Takeru. He feels betrayed.

Hinata is emotional and of course Hinata tends to think with his heart. Aguni of course, is still so so guilty. He killed Takeru, and now he’s causing Hinata so much pain. The two are broken, both of them so torn over their friend, their love. They can’t truly comfort eachother, and definitely not in the mess of the ten of hearts. Hinata watches from afar, as he was to watch Aguni sacrifice himself to kill Niragi.

And now it’s 1:30 am and my thumbs hurt. I don’t know if ANYONE read that but.. if you guys want. I’ll talk about season 2 of their relationship, which is their season.

[chidoroki]

Hell’s Paradise EP2

aka: cornucopia bloodbath

Are we gonna start off each episode with the topic of beheading? We’re two for two.

So Sagiri actually wanted to become an executioner because she saw how perfectly her father made his cuts.. I don’t necessarily wanna call that cute but hurray for following in her father’s footsteps I guess?

Oh, good to see she’s not completely heartless about the whole process. Well, I imagine beheading others would instill fear, grief and other emotions into anyone and would probably take many attempts, or several years even, to not feel pain anymore while doing so.

Also, those lifeless bodies we saw in the OP/ED surrounding her now have context with them being her doubts, like right now as this red-haired man explains with the truth reflecting in her blade.

I shall never skip this OP by the way and yes I’m gonna comment about it each week. I heard the full version of it the other day and it’s just as lovely.

Ooohh finally getting little looks at some of our cast like Chobei, Yuzuriha, Nurugai and Tamiya. Same with some of the swordsmen with Shion, Fuchi, and Toma somewhere I’m sure.

All the criminals are throwing their rage at the shogun while Gabimaru is just over here complaining that he can’t breathe with that paper mask over his face.

This dude unrolls a certificate to show them the official pardon but it’s hilarious since none of the criminals can actually see it with their eyes covered.

Yuzuriha knows of our hollow man hm? & despite myself not knowing a thing a out her, I think her voice suits her.

SPEAKING OF VOICES, Gabimaru shares a va with Langa (sk8) and I dunno how it completely slipped my mind last week or how I didn’t pick up on it.

Eh so weird, that poor dude with the flowers blooming out of him is actually still alive?

I’m not entirely sure why, but Nurugai reminds me of Dororo? Maybe it’s the character design somehow.

Oh good lord, large tattoo man just got beheaded with no questions asked.

“Act out in the island, and you’ll be beheaded on the spot.” Yeah that checks out.

“Naturally, if your monitor dies, whether by accident or homocide, you’ll be beheaded.” Glad we mentioned that little bit. But if by some crazy chance they all die, then no one can behead the criminals, right?

“If your monitor isn’t with you, you won’t be allowed onto the return boat.” Oh good, I’m glad we’re answering all my questions right as they come up. So y’all can’t just kill them for funsies because I’m sure they were all just thinking that.

Ya know I was thinking that, there’s way too many criminals here right now and not enough asaemon to monitor them, of course they’re gonna fight for a spot. That and a lot of them just look like randomly placed characters.

Ahha, and looks like our bastard Chobei is gonna get a head start on reducing their numbers. And I know he doesn’t share a va with Bakugo, but that’s all I hear with him, just a little. I have heard him in other things but nothing I remember too clearly.

The fact they can all fight rather well with their hands tied is kinda impressive, I won’t lie about that.

Oh? I assume our main cast are those with these red seals. The special ones with great abilities.

Our man Gabimaru is actually quite the legend huh? Yet he hasn’t move an inch since coming here.. he’s so chill. I love it.

Not me somehow getting Nozel and Noelle vibes when this Eizen man tells Sagiri she isn’t suited for this kind of job. Go prove him wrong girl!

Not that I want her end Gabimaru’s life, but I hope our girl manages to get over her doubts..somehow.

Goddamn, slicing three of them one after another like that..

“Not killing people if you don’t have to is the most natural thing in the world.” Gabimaru you’re such a kind soul.

Holy shit man! You cut the dude’s throat with your bare hands how??

And now he’s just bit another guy’s throat apart.. Gabimaru is literally a beast.

Oohh the scene from the trailers! With him standing in the water with the bodies around him!

“Is it possible that what I needed wasn’t the strength not to fear killing but the resolve to take on the burden of that fear and the lives I took?” Ah perhaps, I’m sure Sagiri will find her answer eventually.

Like Gabimaru last ep, I didn’t expect her to actually have emotions like this. It just didn’t seem like something an executioner would show ya know? So I’m happy we got a look inside her mind and past this time.

Ah so aside from our cast there’s seems to be a couple more criminals joining the party that I’m not familiar with.

Same with the other executioners too, but I finally spotted Toma and got a clearer look at Tenza!

“There is no danger.” Well that’s a blatant lie if I ever saw one.

[dalishkadan]

wip wednesday

i'm pretty sure i was tagged by someone a whiiiiiile ago during one of those times that my brain forgot tumblr existed. anywho, i'm not gonna tag anyone, but if you see this and wanna tag urself, do itttttt.

for your pain enjoyment, here's a little glimpse of praxia and max allllllllmost getting together (but then not) before the revelation that she's not alex hawthorne and that she's actually a colonist from the hope. keeping a tight lid on your identity long enough to get your sister outta cryo comes with a lot of strings prax wasn't even aware of.

His eyes lock into mine and I feel just for a second that perhaps gravity glitches because I am suddenly lighter than air and just as breathless. I could have spent an eternity there, for all I knew, and looking back I will stand in this moment and savour it because in the next, everything shatters as he whispers, “Alex.” It’s like a slap, the cold water of reality flung in my face, startling me from this dream. He knows me only as this name I wear as a mask and nothing more. Nothing of me. Only Alex Hawthorne, a hollow yet necessary charade. His head dips toward mine, his eyes narrowing before closing completely, and I have to turn away. I can’t do this, not to him.

Max’s brows furrow and I can taste his hesitancy, his confusion, and something within me splinters and breaks, shards poking into every tender spot it can find. I settle my hand against his chest and shake my head. “It’s not you, I … I don’t feel right about this. Not when there’s so much you don’t know.”

He snorts softly. “There something you think I won’t forgive?”

“Not that, I … it’s just you don’t know everything. And you should. If we were to be together.”

“Well why don’t you tell me,” he murmurs, voice like velvet as his lips just barely caress my temple, and I resist every urge that tells me to turn and meet them with mine.

I swallow hard, as if it will harden my resolve, help me stay strong. “I can’t. Not now, not when there’s so much at stake. I wish … I want …” Words begin to escape and I focus on the meticulous stitching of Max’s vestments, the golden threads and trim shining against the dark blue, almost as if it were a beacon shining in the darkness. Yet I close my eyes to it, shaking my head as I lay my own heart on this shrine for sacrifice, my sister’s cryofrozen smile the dagger in my hand. “I have people counting on me, people whose lives I hold in my hands. What I want doesn’t matter, not when they still need help.”

And with that, I finally pull away, not looking back even as it feels as if I’m rending myself in two. Max’s touch lingers against my hand for the barest moment more but fades quickly as our hands drop, as my feet take me swiftly away from the shadow of his door.

[vulnerablepoet]

Tw: stupid rant so don’t read unless you’ve a lot of time in your hand that u wanna waste

I’m so tired of this constant, invisible struggle. People say, “But you’re so high-functioning, how could you possibly be struggling?” as if having a routine or meeting expectations means I’m okay. They have no idea how much energy it takes to wear this mask, to hide the storm that rages inside me every single day. And if I dared to reveal even a fraction of it, they’d probably say I’m being dramatic, tell me to “just get over it,” or that I’m too sensitive. So I hold it all in, bury it deep to keep everyone else comfortable, while it eats me alive from the inside out.I get attached to people so easily because of this aching emptiness, this void that never seems to go away. It feels like there’s something missing, a hollow ache right in my chest that I can’t fill no matter what I do. And when someone finally makes me feel seen, loved, understood—even for a moment—I latch on. I build my world around them because, for once, I don’t feel like I’m drowning alone. But then, any slight change in their tone, a moment of distance, and my brain spirals into overdrive, telling me they don’t care, that they’re going to leave. I go from feeling on top of the world to plummeting into a pit of self-doubt and resentment, hating myself for not being “enough” to keep them around.I bend over backwards for people just to keep them in my life. I sacrifice my own needs, my boundaries, even my self-respect—whatever it takes to make sure they don’t leave. But the minute they show signs of pulling away, I fall apart. And then, inevitably, they do leave, and it confirms every fear I had that I’m unworthy, inadequate, disposable. This cycle of clinging, losing, and hurting just fuels my fear of vulnerability, until I don’t know how to let anyone in without the terror of being abandoned.It’s this endless loop, and the worst part is, I don’t even know who I am without it. The emptiness, the anxiety, the constant fear they’re all I’ve ever known. Happiness feels foreign, even dangerous, like I’m losing control if I feel too good. So I cling to misery because, at least then, I’m prepared for the worst. It’s like a twisted kind of comfort, but I hate it. I hate that I don’t know how to just be, to live without this constant weight. And every time I think maybe I’ve found someone who can help pull me out, they leave, and I’m left even more broken than before.I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be this way. But I don’t know how else to exist. It’s so lonely, feeling like this, like I’m trapped in a cycle I can’t break, even though I want to. And now, I’m left clinging to the hope that maybe, just maybe, this person won’t leave, that they’ll see through my mess and stay. But deep down, I’m scared. Scared that I’m too much, that this pain is too heavy, and that they’ll walk away just like everyone else.

I’m so tired.

[ruminate88]

Emotional Wounds 7/20/24

I always looked at this “healing journey” as one big scar to heal and I was SO wrong 🥺 it’s not healing from one big thing… it’s the countless words and mistreatment towards me from more than one person I either “loved” or “trusted”. I didn’t understand how deep the wounds even were until I fell at Christmas. I’m a visual learner and I believe I had to fall to see that even when the physical outward appearance of the wounds were no longer evident, if you press on the top of my legs a certain way, it’s still somewhat tender and sore. you can feel the bumps over my skin 😢 I KNOW there is still pain even if no one else can see it.

The emotional wounds are no different. NO ONE can see the pain and sometimes I even think “oh it’s not that bad, you’re just being dramatic and you’re not letting go of what happened.” However, the littlest things can set me off. For example, went to see the movie “Twisters” yesterday and they played the movie trailer for, “This Ends With Us.” Staring the gorgeous “Blake lively” who plays a character that falls in love with an abusive person and the trailer says, “IS IT HARDER TO HOLD ON OR LET GO?” 😭😭😭😭 omg I just sat stunned at this movie trailer feeling soooooo sad and frustrated. My heart and brain felt trapped remembering the pain I felt over Andrew.

I was in such pain and confusion when Andrew would NOT break up with me despite cheating and denying it. Deflecting the blame back on me and acting like I’m crazy…. We were on the phone 3 hours going in circles. Andrew was promising me he didn’t deserve me and I was too good for him and that I deserve more BUT he won’t break up with me cuz he says he wants to make me “happy” and he was only just playing mind games but I was so confused as being gaslit, I was complete torn between “I love him so much” and “he’s hurting me so much” 💔💔😢😢😢

So part of me says “just get over it, stop being so dramatic and why would you love such a liar and a cheater???” But theeeeen, I know I invested my heart and emotions deep into Andrew and that doesn’t just go away. You don’t just unlove a person randomly or love them randomly but Andrew mirrored my love and wore a false face. Idk whooooo he is.

Not just Andrew but Cody too. I tell myself cody also wore a mask that I’ll never know the real him and he also lied and cheated like crazy. They can’t love me back or treat me right for me to accept it and MOVE ON to enjoy my life. (Feels so difficult)

I JUST FEEL I DONT KNOW ME TRULY. Now that I’m officially trying to trust my current relationship and get completely out of survival mode, idk what to do with myself. My current relationship unintentionally “triggers me” often and I get so frustrated and sad. I wanna crawl into a hole and hide from everyone.

I don’t feel I can have an open and honest conversation with my current relationship because he gets defensive himself and I don’t think he’ll be open to understand me and hear me. I would love to be wrong but I’m only protecting myself from more rocks being thrown at me. Don’t believe my new man is throwing rocks but so many has before…

Ultimately I want to forgive cody and Andrew. I want to let them go free and I never reach out to them and I refuse to Google because seeing him will only upset me. The other night I could have sworn Andrew’s car was parked next to me and my heart was racing and my hand shook. I couldn’t stop looking over at it to be sure 🥺😳 (obviously it wasn’t) I feel like people would tell me I’m crazy and over the top and that something is wrong with me for having any feelings for my exes even if it’s the feelings are mixed. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[emeraldcreeper]

The main problem with a chronic pain issue isn’t actually the pain part it turns out, it’s the way your grandma says you should try working to have shit to do that makes you want to chew glass forever, as if I can when I can’t go outside because I’m almost automatically existing with a migraine between 6 and 9 on the pain scale, I can’t work through that I’ll cry or scream at someone to shut the fuck up and not breathe so loudly, which is rude, and my goal right now is don’t die and take the possible placebo shits that don’t prevent migraines worth a damn

I still want to be an lpc just google what they do for Christ’s sake, I can’t think of WORDS especially without prepping that shit, I wanna help people, then maybe do academia, because you need a level up from what I wanna do to do college shit, while I wanna be dr lastname redacted, it’s radical, I want a real big boy job before I do that shit, I’d kill before working in a school as anything but a school psychologist, but that’s another psyD thing, it’s fucking complicated, and takes T I M E which I can’t do before my physical and mental health are as good as sorted will get!

But hey, when I pepper in the fact I’m positive I’m autistic to a therapist over the phone and it gets me toward diagnosed, in a roundabout way, it won’t work but I will whine until it does I’m a girlboss it’s fine, maybe she will shut the fuck up about me not working(dr Devon price says maybe in unmasking autism, it gives me hope and the book is good as hell), autism can’t work retail, it’s masking hell and I lose it after a couple hours they won’t like it if I go dead fish eyed and consider my interests for too long and if I go on about psychology shit on the clock they’d find me rude and uninteresting and unhireable (and my deep hatred of all German psychologists ever, except you Jung you can stay, but not like within modern research the persona and animus and shadow intrigue me especially within fictional characters who have a persona they use as a mask also within coding of neurodivergence but even outside it there’s— aaaaand I’m kicked out the door immediately! I cannot do jobs currently when I cannot mush my brain through psychology until I’m sick of it!)