#I don’t understand anything they’re saying but I now Carlos chose to do it’s own thing. like always ❤️ Carlos the strategist

[artemispt]

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[a-crumb-of-whump]

A New Beginning #14: Adoration

Masterlist | AO3

Content: Vamprie whumpee, recovery, multiple caretakers, human caretaker, PTSD/trauma, meltdown/panic attack, [implied] self harm (for the sake of food), blood (once again, for the sake of food), fear of being alone.

I am exhausted and haven't actually proof read this or anything, but i promised myself i'd post something before i fell asleep LOL.

-

It was only a few days after the gathering they’d had that Carlos heard from his new friend again. He hadn’t really thought much of it at first - Ryker was often getting calls from his employees and other important people that Carlos had never met, so it came as a surprise when the human called him into the living room and held out the phone to him with a polite smile. 

“Hey, man,” he greeted, already beginning to get out of his seat to make room for the vampire to sit down instead. “Charlie’s on the phone. Said he wanted to see how you were going. Would you like to sit down and talk to him while I get your breakfast ready?” 

Did he? What kind of question was that? 

“Yes please!” he chirped, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet as he took the phone from his human’s hand and sat down on the couch Ryker had just been sitting in. It was still warm, and he found himself snuggling further into the seat as he greeted the other human on the phone. “Good morning!” 

“Good morning to you, too,” Charlie spoke warmly. He still sounded a little groggy, like he hadn’t been awake for long, but Carlos could still hear the faint smile on his face regardless. “You’re sounding rather chipper. How’ve you been?” 

The vampire brought his knees to his chest and began to fiddle with the fabric of his pyjama bottoms as he talked. “I have been well, I think! I’m a little restless today, but Ryker said I just need some mental stimulation. So, he’s gonna set up some stuff for us to do later on.” Then he jumped all of a sudden, feeling as if he’d already forgotten his own manners. “Uhm- and how are you, Charlie?” 

“I’m okay, thank you for asking.” The tone in Charlie’s voice hadn’t shifted, instead remaining light and friendly, despite the fact that he clearly wasn’t all that awake just yet. “I have work today, unfortunately, hence why I’m awake so early. Though, I was actually thinking about dropping by for an hour afterwards, if that’s okay with you?”

Carlos found himself mildly confused. Why was he asking for permission from him to come and see Ryker and Adam? Were they even going to be around today? He thought he recalled the two of them informing him that they wouldn’t be around all that much this week. Had they not told Charlie?

“Uhm…” The vampire didn’t even really know how to answer. “Y-yes?”

Thankfully for him, Charlie seemed to catch on to his confusion pretty quickly. “You sound a little unsure? What’s on your mind?”

“...I guess I don’t really understand why you’re asking for my permission to come visit Adam and Ryker?”

He blinked cluelessly at the sound of Charlie’s light laugh. He didn’t think he’d said anything funny. Did Charlie not realise he was being serious? Though his cheeks flushed red at the embarrassment of being laughed at, he chose not to say anything else.

“You sweet thing. I meant I wanted to come see you. They’re both out this afternoon anyway, aren’t they? I think Ryker said their work schedules are pretty similar this week.”

Oh. It made sense now. However… it also didn’t. 

“You- you want to see me?” the vampire tilted his head. His fingers clutched the phone a little tighter as his heartbeat picked up a bit. This was so exciting. “Really? I- I’m not very good at talking to other people. People, uhm… they scare me.” 

“They scare me, too, buddy. You’re all good. Look, we can give it a miss today if you want? I’m happy to wait until a time where you’re feeling more comfy or one of the guys is around. I totally get it.” 

Carlos could have sworn he felt his heart stop for a moment. 

“No!” he practically cried, leaning forward in his seat as if it could possibly make his point any clearer. He had a death grip on the phone pressed to his ear while his other shaking hand dug Its nails into the leather that made up the couch. “N-no, please, I’ve only ever had two friends in my life. I love them so- so much b-but I don’t wanna be alone anymore. I want friends s-so much. Please come over? Please? I can make some human food for you if you’d like! I swear, I’ll do whatever you want!”

He knew he was being downright pathetic. He knew there was a good chance he was actively scaring his potential new friend away with his intensity, and yet he would have thrown himself onto his knees and begged like that if he were in front of him in that moment. 

Having heard his frantic voice, Ryker was by his side in an instant; resting a hand on his knee while the other arm held a paper towel to the cut on his arm. He’d clearly been in the middle of draining Carlos’ morning breakfast into a cup, and that only made Carlos feel all the worse. 

What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Those same two questions repeated in his head over and over again.

“Carlos, you’re all good, man. It was just a suggestion,” Charlie was quick to reassure him. Nonetheless, Carlos could still feel the weight of his own panic creeping up on him, threatening to slowly push him into suffocation as if something was holding him against the wall by his throat. “It’s okay. I’ll come visit you this afternoon, then, yeah? Just like I suggested before. No one’s leaving y’alone.”

“I’m so-orry,” the vampire quietly hiccupped into his sleeve. “I’m sorry… I’m…” Behaving like a fucking toddler? Yeah, you are. 

He silently scowled at the voice in his head. It was so loud and so mean. Why couldn’t it just be nice to him? Why did it have to point out all his flaws and mock him as if he didn’t already know they were there? He was trying so hard to like himself just that little bit more. It was so hard…

Ryker squeezed his leg, seemingly trying to draw his attention away from whatever was bothering him. The vampire immediately glanced down at him distractedly, still holding onto the phone so tight his hands were shaking. 

“Sir?” he quietly whimpered. “I’m… I need… need…” He didn’t know what he needed. Didn’t know how to put how he was feeling into words because he’d never had to think about it before. Feelings didn’t matter. Hell, he hardly mattered. 

He guessed it was different now, wasn’t it? 

“I- I di’nt mean t’pressure you,” the vampire whispered in between more hiccups. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I told you I can’t speak to people…”

He was so grateful that Charlie had stayed on the line with him all throughout his little meltdown. Hearing his voice, knowing that he was still there only caused him to cry even more. 

“No, no, you’re doing good, man. I’ve been there before, yeah? I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve struggled to find the right words or lost friends because I’ve said insensitive things without realising. Though, I’ve learnt that the more you do it, the easier it gets. So, what if we practiced together this afternoon?” 

“You- you still wanna come over?” The vampire nearly couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He glanced down at Ryker who was still kneeling by his legs, and the human gave him a comforting smile that silently assured him it was real. “You’ll be my friend?” 

There was another laugh. “Any friend of Adam and Ryker’s is a friend of mine. Look, I gotta finish my coffee and get ready for work but I’ll message Ryker with a time and you can expect to see me then, alright?” 

Carlos sheepishly wiped at his wet eyes, accidentally pricking his bottom lip with his fang as he bit it. “You mean it? You’ll really come?”

“Yeah, man. I promise. See you then?”

“O-okay.” Carlos nodded, somewhat more confidently this time. “Yeah. I will- uhm, see you then?” 

Ryker grinned the moment Carlos had hung up the phone. He took the phone from him and placed it down on the floor before taking his hand into both his own to squeeze it reassuringly. 

“You did it!” he exclaimed, the loud sound of his excited voice causing Carlos to jump a little. “I’m so proud of you for persisting!” 

“Tha-ank you?” He couldn’t tell if the human was being sarcastic or not. “I… I embarrassed myself, didn’t I, sir? I didn’t mean to…” 

Reaching up, Ryker affectionately ruffled the vampire’s growing hair with a smile. “Not at all. You’re doing well. I know Charlie very well - he’s one of my oldest friends, and there’s no one I’d trust more with someone I love than him.” 

That caused Carlos to look up from his lap. The wording was not lost on him, however clueless he usually found himself being. A small smile curved on his lips despite the wetness in his eyes, and he leaned forward to press his forehead to Ryker’s for just a moment; savouring the closeness between them before Ryker had to leave again. It was the only way he knew how to express his gratitude for him in that moment. Words were hard and he just did not have the strength to speak them anymore. 

He could only hope that Ryker understood the meaning behind his simple gesture. Otherwise, he’d be sure to find the words for it later. 

He needed Ryker to know how much he loved him, too. 

-

Carlos spent the entire day watching the clock on the wall and cleaning vigorously before his friend arrived. He’d made what Ryker had said earlier in the morning were his favourite sweets - cookies, cupcakes and a few store bought foods as well. Adam was even kind enough to do his makeup again and help him pick out an outfit for what must have been his very first visit from a friend ever. His friend, no less. Someone who was here for him, not his owners or the people around him. He wanted everything to be perfect. Wanted to prove that he could be a good friend to people, not just some dumb pet for them to take their anger out on.

He could do this. He could do this. He could do this.

When Charlie finally arrived at the designated time - right on time, might Carlos add - he had to let himself in, given the sun was looming right outside, threatening to attack the vampire if he so much as stepped an inch into the light. 

However, the second he had closed the front door, Carlos was already by Its side with his plate of cupcakes in his hand and a warm, excited smile on his face. “Thank you so much for coming,” he chirped as he held out said plate towards the human. “I made- uhm, your favourite cupcakes! Ryker gave me the recipe and helped me find all the ingredients for it. I hope you like them!” 

“He did, did he?” the human grinned as it slipped off Its shoes and placed Its bag down by the shoe rack. It leaned over to examine them before carefully taking one off the plate to bite into. “Boy knows me so well. These are excellent, Carlos.”

Carlos couldn’t help but feel amused at the way he spoke with his mouth stuffed with food. It reminded him so much of Adam. 

“Thank you! I worked very hard on them. Uhm, would you like to sit?” he asked, motioning to the living room where all the furniture was. “It’s just you and me this time, so… so you don’t have to sit on the floor. If- if you don’t want to, of course. Sir- I mean, Ryker said you might prefer the floor over the couch? I do sometimes, too.” 

The human shrugged. “The floor feels less formal, but I’m happy wherever. You’re looking wonderful today, might I add. Did Adam do your makeup for you?” 

“He did!” Carlos nodded, desperately trying to ignore the furious blush on his face as he plonked himself down on the couch and pulled his knees up to his chest for Charlie to sit down as well. As he did so, the human took another cupcake off the plate and began to eat that one, too. He likes them, Carlos realised with a giddy smile. “He purchased a practice makeup kit for me to use when he’s not around, but I’m not very good at it yet. I aim to get better, though.” 

“It’s a fun thing to learn. Can’t say I’m all that into it myself, but I see what It’s done for Adam. He loves it.”

It got Carlos wondering. “Well, what sort of things are you into, then? You said we could, uhm… pr-practice talking? So… is that a good start? You didn’t tell me all that much about yourself at the gathering…”

“Yeah, I guess I didn’t, did I?” Charlie offered him another smile as he shifted himself into the same position Carlos was in, but on the opposite side of the couch so they were facing each other. “Like I said, I suck at talking to people, too. I’m awkward and blunt and suck at reading body language and social cues. A lot of people don’t really like that. So… I tend to keep my distance. Keeps me safer, y’know?” 

Yes. Carlos knew exactly what it was talking about. 

“So… It’s not a vampire thing?” he asked quietly with a small tilt to his head. “That happens to me a lot, but I always thought I was just not smart enough to understand them, or- or that’s just how they treated vampires. Humans treat other humans that way as well?” 

He was saddened to see the human nod. “Unfortunately so.”

“That’s so sad.” 

Charlie shrugged. “I guess so. I have my little group of people who love and understand me regardless, so I don’t concern myself all that much with what the rest of the world thinks of me.” 

Carlos admired that. He cared far too much about what everyone else, particularly humans, thought of him. It was ingrained into his brain that his purpose was to please them, therefore he had to care, right? If there was one thing all the humans he’d lived with agreed on, it was that. 

“—but hey, fuck the rest of the world, right? Let’s talk about me.”

It surprised the vampire to hear himself laugh at the human’s rather vulgar language. 

“Yes!” he agreed, and the both of them eagerly leaned forward with their arms still tucked in their laps as if they were two gossiping school children. “Tell me everything there is to know.”

-

It turns out, the two had a lot more in common with each other than they thought. Charlie happened to be right into his digital art - something Carlos had no idea even existed until then - along with cooking and movies. He also mentioned that he loved the dark - that there was something calming and peaceful about it in a way that the day just couldn’t bring. He said that he often went on night walks along the beach when he couldn’t sleep, or relaxed under the stars in his backyard with a picnic blanket beneath him. 

It all sounded infatuatingly wonderful to Carlos. He didn’t feel safe enough to go outside anymore. Not without another person there to keep him company, but the idea of it made him more than a little giddy. He hoped there would come a time where he could enjoy the stars and the dark again, just like he had as a child. 

The human also came to mention that he was a collector of sorts, too. He had a collection of rocks and leaves he found fascinating sitting on his coffee table for people to admire when they came over, along with the more “common” stuff, like Pokemon cards and little figurines. He’d apparently been collecting for years - ever since he was a child, and had plenty to show for it. 

Within just a few hours, Carlos had grown to adore this human so much it hurt. It was living, breathing proof that there were other people just like Carlos. That he wasn’t alone, even if many people had tried to convince him otherwise. 

—and as the human prepared to leave again rather late in the afternoon, Carlos hugged him tighter than he ever thought he’d be able to grip someone, fingers digging into his back and his head buried against Charlie’s shoulder. He was grateful that it didn’t seem to mind, and instead held him just as tight. 

“Please come back sometime,” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut out of sheer desperation. “Please. You’re… you’re like me. I like you so much!” 

There was, once again, a laugh as Charlie stood with him in the doorway. He could hear and feel Adam and Ryker’s presence behind him, presumably moving things around and giving the place a quick clean after their day at work, but he didn’t care. Not right now.

 “I like you so much, too! I’ll be back very soon, man. Promise.”

Carlos couldn't help the grin that spread across his face as he hid it against the human's shoulder even more.

It was official. 

After ninety years of living on this god forsaken earth, Carlos Emrick had finally made a friend outside of Ryker and Adam.

He cried out of pure joy as he told his humans about his day that evening. It was easily on his list of best days ever, right underneath the day he met Ryker and the night he finally got to move in with him.

-

@alexkolax @emcscared-whumps @espresso-depresso-system @inkkswhumpandstuff @pigeonwhumps @pumpkin-spice-whump @roblingoblin285 @sacredwrath @stabby-nunchucks @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @trans-writes @whump-blog @whumpsday @whumpshaped @whump-things @whumpycries @why-not-ask-me-a-better-question @thekittyburger @choppedflowermuffinchild

[morganaspendragonss]

I hope that you are doing well! I love the your writing! If you are open to a Tarlos fic request: TK to Carlos after the doctor has told him Carlos might not make it through the next 48hrs "I cannot imagine life without you, please don't let me live my greatest fear. I won't survive."

Carlos has been working a case and it happens that he becomes a target. He starts getting messages at work, at home and becomes paranoid but doesn't tell TK, but TK can see that Carlos is on edge. Carlos picks a fight with TK so that he goes to stay with Owen for a while. Carlos does this to protect him, let him at least stay away so that if anything happens, TK is safe. Then one night, Carlos is alone at home and someone breaks in, torture ensues and he is barely clinging to life. He calls 911, Grace answers and he can barely get the words out "it's Carlos, send help". 📍

holly's august extravaganza day 10: i can't imagine my life without you

thank you!

ao3 | 1.9k | descriptions of torture, major character injury, angst, hopeful ending, open ending

TK knows he’s annoying people. The atmosphere in the ambulance is thick with tension whenever they’re out on a call, and it’s not much better back at the firehouse. He tries to keep his distance, occupying himself in the gym or aggressively doing chores, but he can’t avoid everyone forever and his bad mood is starting to spill over.

Like when he and Nancy fell back into their old pattern of snipping at each other, or when he nearly bit Paul’s head off when he asked what was wrong. It was less the question itself—though TK certainly doesn’t want to get into why he’s so out of it—and more the way Paul phrased it. Nobody likes to be asked ‘trouble in paradise?’, particularly when the answer is yes.

He just doesn’t understand. It had come completely out of left field—one minute everything was fine, the next Carlos had turned to him with guarded eyes and a clenched jaw, and said six words that sent TK’s whole world crashing down.

“I think we need a break.”

Carlos hadn’t explained why; when TK had tried to push, he’d turned it into a fight, until TK had no choice but to leave. He’s been staying with his dad for a week now and he desperately misses his boyfriend, torn between wanting to go over and check on him and wanting to give him space.

He’d settled on a text, a simple you okay?, which still felt woefully inadequate. Carlos had been on edge for weeks before the blow up and TK hadn’t been able to get a word out of him about why.

The text is still unanswered, though it’s been marked as Read.

TK huffs and hauls himself up into the ambulance to check stock. He knows Nancy has already done it and she’s going to be pissed if she catches him, but he needs to keep his mind occupied somehow, lest he start to spin out. But the peace he finds is short-lived, as not ten minutes after he starts, TK looks up from his clipboard to see Judd approaching, hands held out in a pacifying gesture.

It has the opposite effect, TK’s nerves becoming that bit more frayed at the spooked animal treatment he’s getting, but his pointed glare does nothing to deter Judd. Nor does turning his back and returning to work, as he finds out when Judd’s heavy footsteps stop behind the rig and don’t move away.

“TK,” Judd says, his voice suspiciously rough.

TK doesn’t bother turning around, hoping it will get the message across. “Fuck off, Judd,” he says, which would normally be a guarantee of riling him up enough to get him to either leave TK alone or engage in a more physical manner.

At this point, TK doesn’t really care which reaction he gets.

Unfortunately, he’s not in luck today. Which, honestly, tracks.

“I got a phone call,” Judd continues, undeterred, “from Grace. Now, I figure you’ll be getting a similar one soon enough, but we thought it might be better if you heard it from us first.”

TK sighs and hangs his head, reluctantly turning around. “What?” he snaps out. When Judd doesn’t react, not even with a raised eyebrow, a quiet dread begins to pool in his gut, a little voice in the back of his head telling him he already knows ‘what’.

He tries to push it down, but there are very few reasons why Grace would call Judd and ask to talk to him. TK takes the proffered phone in a shaking hand, his heart starting to pound as he lifts it to his ear.

“Grace?”

“Hey, TK.” Grace’s voice is gentle, as it always is, but there’s a soothing note to it now, and more of the pieces start to slot together in TK’s head. “Listen, honey, I’m at work and I just got a call come through. I’m… I’m so sorry, TK. It was Carlos.”

TK’s breath catches, tears pricking the back of his eyes. “What do you mean?” he demands, voice shaky. “What do you mean ‘you’re sorry’?”

“He was… I don’t know. He was barely able to talk, but it sounded real bad. EMS 122 were in the area at the time so I sent them out; they should have arrived at the hospital by now.”

And TK… TK doesn’t know what to say to that. He slumps back on the bench in the rig, breathing turning shallow as he imagines what could have happened to Carlos. The last time they’d seen each other—the last time they’d spoken—it had ended with them throwing insults across the kitchen island and with TK packing a bag and slamming the door behind him.

The thought that it might be the last memory they have together kills him inside.

He needs answers. Before he can face this new reality, he needs to know what happened, which means there’s only one thing he can do right now.

“Grace?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“I want to hear it.”

*

Judd has followed him up to the mercifully empty bunkroom, refusing to leave after both his and Grace’s attempts to dissuade him had failed. TK ignores him for the most part, but he does give in to his request to put the phone on speaker. Much as he wants to deal with this on his own, it is a kind of comfort to have Judd’s steady presence next to him.

“Are you sure about this, TK?” Grace asks for the millionth time. TK appreciates her concern, but he needs this. He needs to hear it for himself.

“I’m sure.”

“Alright then.”

He hears a few clicks and then the recording starts, Grace’s voice coming over the speaker.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

No response.

“Hello?”

The silence continues, broken only by static, and then what TK recognises as heavy, gasping breaths.

“Hello, is anyone there?”

A few more seconds pass, and then, “Grace.”

TK has to suppress a sob at the sound of his boyfriend’s voice—though, if he didn’t know for sure it was Carlos, he wouldn’t have recognised it. His words come out ragged and hoarse, riding on breaths that seem to be getting slower and more laboured by the second. TK clutches the phone tighter in his hand, biting down hard on his lip.

“It’s… It’s Carlos. I… Send help. Please.”

“Carlos, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

But Grace goes unanswered, and TK suddenly notices that he can no longer hear the sound of Carlos breathing. His own breaths hitch, his lungs refusing to expand properly, and his vision blurs with tears as he curls in on himself, hands braced on the edge of the bed and gripping tightly onto the covers.

He doesn’t notice Judd taking the phone back, nor is he aware of him moving to sit next to him until he’s being pulled into a strong embrace, TK’s head cradled against Judd’s chest. Judd whispers things TK doesn’t hear as his hands gently rub his back, the touch grounding him as he loses himself to tears and the overwhelming pain in his heart.

Five minutes later, TK’s phone rings.

Fifteen minutes after that, they arrive at the hospital.

*

“Please,” TK whispers, clutching onto the hand in both of his. “Please don’t make me do this. I don’t… I don’t want to live a life without you in it. I can’t, you understand me? I can’t. If you leave, I won’t survive it, so you just hang on for me, alright? Forget what the doctor thinks, you keep fighting, and come back to me. Please, Carlos. Please.”

TK looks up, hoping to see Carlos’s beautiful brown eyes staring right back at him, but of course they’re not. He might never see them again, which is something TK is still trying to wrap his head around. That’s not the only thing either; Carlos has so many injuries that he’s struggling to remember them all—the only thing he does remember with horrific clarity is the doctor’s words when he’d asked to speak to TK privately.

“We’ve done what we can, but I’m afraid Officer Reyes’s wounds are grave and there is a significant possibility that he may not make it beyond the next 48 hours. If he does, then we will re-evaluate, but currently his chances of recovery are slim. I’m truly sorry.”

TK wipes away a stray tear and presses a kiss to Carlos’s bruised knuckles. His other hand is completely shattered, and TK can barely stand to look at his face; it’s been beaten to a pulp, there’s a patch over one eye, and whoever attacked him even went so far as to rip out some of his teeth.

It’s grim, and that’s to say nothing of the rest of his body. Torture is the only word to describe what happened to Carlos—brutal, savage, and without mercy, somebody tortured him in their home.

And he was alone.

*

“Son, you didn't know.”

“That’s no excuse. I left him.”

“Carlos pushed you away. He was trying to protect you.”

“And where was I when he needed protection?”

“TK—”

“Don’t, Dad.”

*

“TK, I really shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Please, Mitchell. I need to know. Carlos knew something was going to happen but he chose to drive me away instead of letting me in. I just… I just want answers.”

“...I’ll see what I can do.”

*

Carlos makes it through the 48 hours, but not without incident. Somewhere around hour 32, the machines had started going haywire, summoning an army of doctors who shoved TK out of the room, leaving him to stare in through the blinds as they worked to save Carlos’s life.

They’d done it, but it had taken TK hours to come down from the resulting panic attack.

*

“Oh my god.”

Mitchell is standing at his shoulder, watching him warily as he flips through the file she brought him from the station. She keeps looking around anxiously, as if her sergeant is going to appear and arrest her for misconduct at any moment, but TK only has eyes for the images and words in front of him.

“Did you know about this?” he asks, gesturing to the myriad of threatening messages they’d apparently found in Carlos’s desk.

She shakes her head. “We noticed he’d been acting weird, but we figured something was going on between you two. He never said a word to anyone that I know of.” She pauses and sighs shakily, placing a comforting hand on TK’s shoulder. “We, um. We found some at your house, too. In Carlos’s nightstand.”

TK stares, first at Mitchell, then at the file, then at Carlos, still just as silent and motionless as he’s been since the day all this happened. “Why?” he breathes, and he doesn’t know which one of them he’s addressing the question to.

*

The doctors are amazed when they get to a week and Carlos’s heart is still beating. He still has a ventilator breathing for him and there’s still been no sign of him waking up, but he’s not giving up.

TK wants to say that he never doubted him, but he can’t ignore his paramedic training. He’d heard how badly Carlos was injured; he’d seen the crime scene photos and all the blood coating their bedroom.

(He’d needed several minutes in the bathroom to recover from that sight)

Much as he didn’t want to admit it, all the signs pointed to Carlos not making it.

But he’s still here. Still fighting. And TK can’t help but let that little bit of hope into his heart.

[buddielove]

Hi! I'm a gay fan of 911 and I have a question about the whole Buddie fandom. As much as I like Buck and Eddie, it's frustrating that a HUGE part of the fandom is pushing for these two characters to get together instead of putting energy into supporting Hen & Carla and Michael & Dave. Not to mention Carlos and TK in Lone Star. Can you explain to me the appeal of wanting these two men together? Wouldn't it be more interesting to see two heterosexual males just be able to bond in a non-toxic fashion? That's something we don't get to see often on television.

Hey! This is MAD long lmao I am so sorry! You caught me on a day I felt like talking! Also this took like a year to answer you lolololol. This does have a few ʻhot takesʻ so please be warned! So like in this essay....

So first I am also apart of the LGBTQIA+ community, so I do understand how it could come across as a fetish or being non supportive of the current canonically LGBTQIA+ characters, however I think a lot of the interest around Buddie and the want for them to be confirmed as a couple is how they are being written. Me personally I knew since s2 e1 Buck and Eddie were written not as rivals but as two people who would eventually become friends, but it wasn’t until the Christmas episode with the elf assuming Buck was Chris’s dad and Eddie’s partner that I was like ‘hold on!’ because I was really hoping Abbey would return and I didn’t see Eddie as a possible Buck live interest because of that. The elf’s comment wasn’t played off like most other shows would (think Dean and Sam arriving anywhere in Supernatural) it made me go back and look at the other episodes to see exactly how Buck and Eddie were being framed/written. And as we have moved into further seasons I think there has been a shift in how Buddie is being written, in s3 it was very much like two people progressing into a deeper friendship then the blood clot/lawsuit gets in the way and they both have to deal with emotions surrounding that, then Buck’s response to Eddie being trapped (we see how is he when Boddy is trapped in a fire WITH A GUNMAN, it’s emotional but not to the point is is with Eddie), even the love interests feel very pushed on us and there’s so little banter between Buddie about their gfs and how they feel about these new beginnings. It feels off, not like a friendship in the slightest, more like two people trying to force something and not wanting to deal with any other feelings. Then when Eddie gets shot and reveals Buck is Chris’s legal Guardian in the event Eddie dies, that’s huge, and he did this after only a year of knowing Buck (I have friends with kids. I’ve known one of them for FIVE years, I’m at their house every week, the kid calls me family. I’m person #10 on the list of ‘who gets my kid if I die’, not #1 lol) It just feels like it’s all building up to something, and people are getting tired of waiting for that something! We’re all emotionally tired from the past two years, and probably from many shows queerbaiting us and this is something that could happen, seems to be something the actors are ok with and the fans want. So why do they keep drawing it out. This isn’t about us demanding they ignore the chance to write a healthy platonic male friendship, or forcing two characters to be gay, it’s about holding the writers to what they’ve implied and seeing what could come of it.

Also think of it like this; If Buddie is confirmed it will still be a good example of a healthy friendship which then developed into something else, like Booth/Bones! Showing the natural progression of friendship to relationship that happens a lot in real life. It’s two men who previously (on screen at least) have only been with woman, but now they have an emotionally connection with someone which they then develop and explore. This could be 911’s first nontoxic depiction of two gay characters coming together, because sorry not sorry the canon couples aren’t perfect (which does humanize them) but they also reenforce harmful troupes that plaque the LGBTQIA+ community, which I’m sure you understand: TK was a drug addict, who only got with Carlos at first cause he was hot and sex was TK’s new addition (all gay men are sex addicts who do drugs and sleep with anything that moves). Carlos was ashamed and wanted to keep TK on the downlow (poc gay men want to pretend to be straight but have free access to gay sex). Hen cheated on Karen seemingly the first chance she got (lesbians can’t handle monogamy when pushed, and cheat on their long term partners). All known and documented troupes that happen far too often.

I’m not saying Buddie is some gay jesus ship that’s gonna save the entertainment industry but if done right it could prove to be one of the few healthy depictions of two men getting into a gay relationship we have. If they plan it out correctly, show us the relationship development, like they did with Maddie/Chim for example, Buddie could be used as a positive example of a gay fictional relationship (I really could go into depth about this. I probably should tbh).

As for not supporting Hen and KAREN, or Michael and DAVID, I think fans do support them! The writers don’t. If you read fanfics Henren and Michael/David are featured heavily in many fics, and ik some people might say ‘well they’re only there so Buddie can talk about their gay side!!’ but both these couples have their own fans and fanfic tags! They aren’t just plot devices in Buddie stories. There is a huge side of the fandom that supports Henren and wants to see more of them and their family. Same with Michael and David, during the episode where Michael and Bobby team up to find that plastic surgeon who was working illegally many people where ecstatic that we were getting more Michael/David content and that David was getting more than a couple lines. But sadly it seems like the writers only want to delve into these story lines when they need filler, they even miss opportunities to include these other LGBTQIA+ characters when it makes sense;

(Someone came for me about this but I am going to bring it up again)

When Chris is sad and wants more human connection, instead of bring Harry + Michael/David and Denny+Nia+Henren back into the picture (and yes I understood at the time the pandemic was bad (lmao still is!!), but all the actors at some point would have/had crossed over into each other’s ‘bubbles’, so ALL the actors would have been exposed to each other so getting the children together with adults they had ALREADY been with during shooting wouldn’t have been a super spreader event) but instead they brought in Ana after only two on screen dates and pretended like it was a logical thing for someone who’s up to that point been extremely careful with their child.

They really could have pushed the ‘118 is a family!’ message here and included the canonically gay supporting characters, and the lesbian main character(s) but they did not and instead chose to push the Ana/Eddie coupling even though they hadn’t properly developed it yet. The writers themselves don’t seem to care about developing their canonically gay characters and including them more than they have to but fans are continuously developing Henren and Michael/David with hc and fics.

I’d like to use your logic against you for a second, in s1 we have a very healthy, platonic friendship between Chim/Bobby but that got written out to the point they are more like boss/employee unless the scene calls for them to seem closer, we now have Bobby and Michael friendship but again we hardly see Michael. On Lone Star we have Owen and Judd as a really, really good example of a healthy male friendship but we see Judd more often with Tommy now then we do with Owen, and in s2 it’s overshadowed by Owen trusting Charlie from Twilight and constantly getting fucked over! Why can’t the writter just be happy with these happy, healthy, emotionally well male-male friendship they’ve already included and expand upon them. There’s enough drama because the show literally involves burning buildings and people’s lives being at risk from some natural/man made disaster ever 12 seconds. Does it need to have so much interpersonal conflict and male peacocking??

[howtosingit]

Fic: i'll be there for you, ‘cause you’re there for me too

Following her accident, Carlos worries about Michelle. Luckily, he has TK at his side.

*

A missing moment from 1x05.

1.9K | Also on AO3

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“You okay over there?”

Carlos is pulled from his spiraling thoughts by the sudden, direct question. He shakes himself out of his haze, blinking quickly as he takes in the image on the TV before him - a frozen Lucy drunkenly spooning “Vitameatavegamin” into her mouth. He was so caught up in his own head that he didn’t even notice when TK paused his favorite show. 

He turns to look at the other man, noticing how the off-duty firefighter is laid out at the far end of his couch. TK’s wearing his signature hoodie-and-sweatpants combo, one of Carlos’s blankets thrown over his long legs, and a bowl of popcorn resting in his lap. His torso is twisted towards the TV, his left arm propped up on the arm of the couch, but he’s still tall enough that he takes up the entire space between them. Now that he’s paying attention, Carlos can feel the way TK’s toes press against his hip, gently nudging him out of his daze.

“Carlos?” TK asks, and Carlos takes in the concerned expression on his face, the questioning arch of his brow.

“Sorry,” he says, trying to remember what he might’ve missed while he was off in his own little world. “What did you say?”

TK watches him for a moment, refusing to break eye contact, before he moves the popcorn bowl to the coffee table, pulling himself up into a sitting position. He leans forward slightly into Carlos’s space. “What’s up?” he asks, his voice soft but obviously concerned. Carlos bites down on his bottom lip, wondering if this is really a conversation that he wants to have right now. 

He and TK are in a good place; they’ve known each other for a few months, and though it’s taken some time, they’ve managed to navigate towards some sort of a friendship together, getting past their complicated beginning. Now, they find time to hang out most weeks, often exploring Austin; Carlos has shown TK some of his favorite places in the city, helping the other man find his place in Texas. However, both of their jobs can be taxing, so when the hard days hit, they just spend time at his apartment, ordering food and introducing each other to their favorite TV shows. 

Through all of that, though, they’re careful not to get too deep. They stick to safe conversations instead, wary of where winding roads might take them.

For Carlos, it’s a matter of not wanting to seem pushy. They agreed to be friends, and while he thinks that means they can talk about things that bother them, he still waits for TK to come to him. And, sometimes, TK does, the firefighter often telling him all about taking his dad to chemo treatments and the older guy that bothers them there. While Carlos can clearly see the anxiety and fear that sits right behind TK’s eyes after those visits, the other man tells him that things are fine, so Carlos doesn’t push.

Instead, he tries to distract TK from all of the uncertainty. He takes him dancing, they try what seems like every authentic Mexican place in the city, they walk through artsy neighborhoods. Austin is known for its music scene, so they frequent cafes and bars with open mic nights. It’s a nice, distracting friendship, and Carlos loves the time that he gets to spend with TK. They have a lot in common besides their jobs, and it’s nice to have a friend who understands what it’s like to be gay and living in Texas. 

He just doesn’t want to rock the boat and make a mess of it.

Which is why he’s not sure that he should tell TK what he’s currently mulling over. Unlike TK, Carlos knows that he won’t be able to just say that everything’s fine and move on; he can’t hide his fear and anxiety behind his eyes like that. He’s always been that way: too much of an open book, all of his feelings right there on his face, for everyone to see.

He knows that TK is being nice by asking, but he’s not sure if the other man can handle the answer. 

“Carlos, seriously, you can talk to me,” TK says when Carlos remains silent. He reaches out, gripping Carlos’s forearm and giving it a little shake. “You’ve been distracted ever since I got here, and I know you’re not really watching this,” he admits, gesturing towards the TV. “If you want to talk about what’s going on in that head of yours, I’m happy to listen.”

Carlos looks at him, his face so open and desperate to help, and decides that maybe they can handle something deeper. They’ll never know until they try.

“I, um, I visited Michelle in the hospital after my shift,” he starts, staring down at his fingers. 

“She’s okay, right?” TK confirms, scooting closer. “My dad got a call that she was going to be fine, they were just keeping her overnight for observation.”

“Yeah, she’ll recover from the accident without any problems,” Carlos assures him, biting his lip again. “It’s just, we got to talking about this other thing and…” He trails off, his voice catching in the back of his throat. “I just can’t help but feel like I’ve let her down.”

TK makes a noise of disbelief next to him, and Carlos looks up to find a dubious expression on his face. He raises his brow, wondering what could’ve caused that reaction. 

“Look, I’ve only known you for a few months, but I have an incredibly hard time believing that you could ever let anyone down, Carlos,” TK explains without him having to ask. “I mean, the way you’ve been there for me this entire time, no matter what? There’s no way the same isn’t true for Michelle and literally everyone else on this planet.”

Carlos feels a sudden heat on the back of his neck, TK’s words shooting straight through his chest and into his heart. 

The thing is, TK’s not wrong. He tries so, so hard to be there for everyone, no matter what. Ever since his father died when he was in middle school, he’s felt like he needed to step into his shoes, to be there for his mother and sisters. When it comes to his friendships, he’s the same way. His friends are also a part of his family, so why wouldn’t he be there for them too? The only thing he’ll ever really have to give is his love and support and understanding, so he doesn’t waste any opportunity to share those with the people in his life.

“Michelle’s been through a lot the past few years,” Carlos says, his voice quiet as he tries to navigate through this conversation. “I can’t tell you anything about it, it’s not my place to share it. You work with her and she’s your boss, so I don’t want to overstep and cause any problems.”

TK nods, giving Carlos’s arm another squeeze to show that he understands. 

“I just… after talking with her at the hospital, I realized that she’s kind of been on her own with everything for awhile now,” Carlos continues, a slight waver in his voice. “And I don’t think I’ve made that any easier for her. I don’t think I’ve supported her the way I should have, the way that maybe only I could have.”

“You mean as a friend, or as a police officer?” TK asks, and Carlos’s wide eyes lock onto him, surprised that TK followed him through that messy confession. The firefighter just shrugs, the movement bringing them even closer on the couch. “I’m not just a pretty face, Reyes. I can put things together,” he jokes, elbowing Carlos gently in the side. 

“I guess both,” Carlos admits, looking down in shame.

“Well, I’m sure if there was anything else you could’ve done as an officer, you would have,” TK says, leaning into him. “You’re damn good at your job, and I think if you’d seen a way forward, any way forward, you would’ve pursued it without a second thought. Sometimes timing matters, right?”

“I guess,” Carlos says, twisting his thumbs together. 

“As far as being there for her as a friend,” TK continues, his voice seeming to strengthen with conviction, “there is still no doubt in my mind that you were there for her every time she needed you. Maybe Michelle wasn’t just able to see it at the time, too wrapped up in whatever this thing is to notice. That, and I think your guilty conscience might be working too hard to place all the blame on yourself.

“You’re only one person, Carlos,” TK says, shifting to rest his head against his shoulder. “Try as you might, you can’t save the whole world. But, you do what you can with what you know and what you have, I know you do, and that’s a lot more than what most people are willing to give.” 

Silence falls as TK finishes speaking. The only sound Carlos hears is his heart hammering in his ears. He feels torn open and laid bare, truly seen for what feels like the first time in his entire life, and he’s not really sure how to deal with it.

Over the past few months, he’s gotten the sense that he and TK were a lot alike; that maybe they chose their respective jobs for similar reasons. Carlos can’t help but wonder if TK reading him so easily is a sign that the other man faces this world in much the same way that he does. It’s heavy, solidifying, this feeling of familiarity that defines their relationship.

Ultimately, he knows that what TK’s saying is true. If he let Michelle down in the past, dismissing her feelings without truly considering them, that’s just something that he’s going to have to live with for the rest of his life. He knows he’s tried to be there for her in other ways, tried to get her to move on, for her own sake. He’s always stopped himself from really going down that road with her, worried that the inevitable ending would destroy her beyond repair.

But he knows now that she needs to see this through, and as her friend, he has to be there for her while she does it. Maybe, with his help, with his support and love and understanding, he can keep her from tearing herself apart completely. 

They have a lead now, and he’s determined to follow it. It’s the least he can do to make up for not believing her after all this time.

He glances down to where TK’s short, messy brown hair rests against his shoulder, feeling the way the other man’s fingers drag slowly against his forearm. His heart pounds in his chest, threatening to burst open. He shifts, gently pressing a barely-there kiss against TK’s head.

“Thank you,” he finally whispers, trying to pack everything he’s feeling into those two simple words.

“You don’t have to thank me,” TK says, looking up at him, their faces only a few inches apart. “I know you’d do the same for me. That’s what friends are for, right?”

“Right,” Carlos says, giving him a smile.

So, when TK texts him a few days later, worrying over Paul’s heartbreak, Carlos is right there by his side with a welcome distraction.

Because that’s exactly what friends are for.

[marjansmarwani]

Secret Smiles 

[Ao3 Link]

Characters: Paul Strickland & TK Strand

Word Count: 2203

Paul knows TK is hiding something. He even knows that it has to do with a mystery man he's seeing, but he cannot figure it out past that. Until a night at a bar when a certain officer of the law shows up, that it.

This one was taken from one of @lauraperfectinsanity‘s Tarlos prompts (it’s number 2). I changed it a bit, but I think it’s still pretty close to the spirit of the thing, which was Paul figuring out that TK is secretly seeing Carlos. 

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Paul hated not knowing things.

Knowing things was kind of, well, his thing. Often it meant situations; who did what and what caused that. Sometimes it was just simply facts – he can’t help that he was a voracious reader with a memory like a steel trap. But it also meant people, and his friends and teammates were certainly included in that.

When he first started at the 126, Paul had been on his guard. Each of his new teammates had been subject to his own threat assessment. His brother had always chided him for it – telling him he needed to have more faith in people. But faith in people could get you hurt, so Paul instead chose to be strategic. He decided who it was safe to share information with and how much detail each person could be entrusted with.

It wasn’t easy, but it had kept him safe.

So, he examined and observed each member of his new crew in turn. Captain Strand and TK had been first, and he began his analysis the moment he entered the room for his interview. He quickly deduced that the Captain was sincere, that he harbored Paul no ill-will. TK was quiet during the interview, but when he mentioned identifying the people who wanted to hurt him before they did, he noticed a small smile that spoke of understanding and comradery. Paul allowed himself to relax – neither of these men were a threat to him. In fact, TK Strand might just be a kindred spirit – someone else who had faced hate because of who they were. In the end, it’s a large part of the reason he accepts the Captain’s offer – he knows that he will have allies in this journey; he won’t have to fight this particular battle alone.

The rest of the crew is easy to read, and soon he feels comfortable; at home. Within the walls of the firehouse things are safe, he can let his guard down. Not that there is too much to analyze anyways. The general rule is openness: they’re a family, they tell each other things.

Which is why he almost doesn’t realize TK is hiding something, at first. He’s not sure exactly when he notices but once he does, he picks up little hints everywhere. Maybe it was the first time he heard him abruptly change the subject. Or the time he noticed that the tale he told Judd about how he had spent his night off and what he told Marjan were slightly different. There were small inconsistencies in the details. In Paul’s experience, that usually meant it was a lie.

First, Paul is concerned. He can’t help but wonder if TK is in some sort of trouble, if there is something wrong that he doesn’t want to share with the rest of the team. So he watches, looking for signs of trouble and quickly comes to a very different conclusion: TK has a secret boyfriend.

It’s glaringly obvious once he knows to look for the signs: secretive texting under the table, small smiles when he checks his phone, late-night phone calls when he thinks everyone else is asleep. All the times that he disappears when they go out as a group, or when he makes excuses and doesn’t come out at all – especially when he is far too tired the next day to have actually gone home to sleep as he claims to have done.

He has a secret boyfriend, that part is obvious. What’s not obvious is why this is a secret. TK doesn’t generally come off as a secretive person. He knows it’s not an issue about coming out – TK is very open about his sexuality. Maybe the other man is not fully out? Maybe it’s someone TK feels like he shouldn’t be dating (Paul can’t imagine why that would even be a thing, but stranger things have happened, he supposed).

It wasn’t until a few weeks later and a conversation in the gym that Paul finally got an answer. He was stressed and anxious and feeling very out of his comfort zone with this whole Josie thing, and he hadn’t meant to snap at TK. But he was frustrated, and he took it out on his friend – his friend who was being a hypocrite because he was seeing someone and not shouting to the world about it yet here he was lecturing Paul about taking risks, about putting himself out there. He snaps out the jab about what TK would know about rejection without even thinking. He regrets it instantly – it wasn’t fair. He didn’t know what TK’s experience with coming out was. He didn’t know anything about his history. But it’s out there and he can’t take it back.  

TK’s answer, when it came, surprised him. He sat up and fiddled with his necklace as he spoke, “116 days ago, when I asked my soul mate to marry me and he moved in with his trainer instead.”

Paul froze, for just a moment. He wasn’t even sure how to respond to that, how to acknowledge the level of vulnerability TK had just shown. “That’s rough,” he settled on, “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah,” TK agreed grimly, “that was not my best day.”

The conversation moved on and TK gave him some surprisingly sage advice. Paul took that advice, but he also took some answers. One: TK had been burned by love and was probably hesitant about diving back in. Two: there was more to the story than he had shared. The fact that he knew exactly how many days it had been showed that in spades. Maybe, Paul reasoned, TK didn’t want to share this relationship because he was scared. Maybe he wasn’t ready to take that step, to make things official. Given what he had just learned – and what he assumed, Paul couldn’t blame him.

That didn’t mean that he stopped trying to solve the mystery anyways. Partly because it was just what he did, and partly because TK was his friend and he wanted to make sure that whoever this mystery man was, they were not someone who was going to break TK’s too big heart again. He was more subtle about it – never asking any blunt questions or drawing conclusions. He simply watches and observes.

He’s watching one night when they are all at the bar and Officer Reyes meets them at Michelle’s insistence.  He almost doesn’t notice at first. They are good at hiding it – far too practiced in the art of not drawing attention to their closeness. But there are still tells, little, unconscious things that they do. The things they probably can’t even help. The private glances when someone makes a joke, the small smiles. The hands that linger when they cross paths – the fact that they cross paths more often than is strictly necessary. It’s almost as if there is a magnetic pull between them and they are unable to stay more than an arm’s length apart. As he watches, TK crosses to the bar for another round, slipping behind Carlos, laying a hand on his hip as he passes. Carlos glances over his shoulder at him and gives him a smile that is far from casual.

Oh. Oh.

The realization hits him suddenly. He takes a sudden sharp intake of breath and somehow TK hears and turns towards him. Their eyes meet and Paul can tell that TK knows he knows. His eyes widen in panic and he slips away, heading not for the bar, but to the door. Paul sets his glass down, makes an excuse he doesn’t think anyone even hears and follows him. He finds him outside leaning on the railing of the porch, hands clasping the railing so tightly his knuckles shine white in the dim lighting. He comes to a stop next to his friend and waits for the other man to speak.

“You know,” TK says lowly, bluntly.

Paul nods, “Just figured it out.”

He waits, but TK doesn’t say any more, so he continues, “Is there a reason you don’t want anyone to know?”

TK sighs, releasing one hand from the railing to run it down his face anxiously, “No, not really,” he says uncertainly. “It’s not like we're not both single and out. Christ, we don’t even work together – there is no actual reason to keep it a secret.”

“Then why do you?”

“I don’t know.”

Paul scoffs, “Yeah, you do.”

TK glares at him and Paul raises an eyebrow. TK rolls his eyes but concedes his point, “Okay fine, I do.”

Paul waits, allowing TK the time he needs to gather his thoughts. The sounds from the bar drift through the windows, fighting for dominance with the sound of the crickets surrounding them. When TK’s voice breaks the silence, it nearly startles Paul.

“You remember how I mentioned that my last relationship ended badly, right?”

Paul made a sound of affirmation and TK continued, “I just…I wasn’t ready to jump into another relationship so soon. I was pretty sure I was never going to be ready to jump into another relationship again, actually. This thing, with Carlos, started as a hookup. I figured it would be a one-night stand, we’d both burn up some energy and frustration and move on, but he was stubborn. He wanted more and he pushed. I tried to resist, tried to stay away, but I couldn’t. Now, here we are – and I’m even sure where exactly here is.”

Paul studied his friend. His expression was tense, but even in just speaking about Carlos, his body language had relaxed. He may claim that he didn’t know what they were, but Paul would put good money on how exactly TK felt for the officer.

“Is that why you didn’t tell anyone?” he asked instead.

TK nodded, “I don’t really know what to tell, but there is also this part of me that just feels like once it’s out there – once it is no longer ours – I won’t have control of it anymore, and I won’t be able to deny what it is. I’m just…not sure I’m ready for that yet.”

Paul took a step closer and leaned on the railing next to TK. He chose his next words carefully, “I’m not going to tell you what to do or what to feel, but from where I’m standing, it looks like you’re already there, and I think that’s a good thing. You seem lighter when he’s around, even when you’re just talking about him. You care about him and if I had to make a bet, I’d bet he cares about you to. So, I’m not going to say you have to make a big announcement or anything, but maybe just keep that in mind. Maybe start letting go of the reins, just a bit and see what happens.”

TK turned to face him and raised an eyebrow, “is there where you tell me something about nothing that is important is without risk or something?”

Paul scoffed, “Nah man, I don’t do clichés.”

TK laughed lightly, and Paul continued, “I’m just saying, maybe see where this goes. I don’t know Officer Reyes that well, but I don’t think he’s a bad guy and I know he doesn’t want to hurt you. It’s going to be scary, but maybe let it play out. Besides, if the worst does happen, you have people to lean on.”

It was quiet for a long moment before TK responded; his voice soft, “That was good advice.”

Paul nodded seriously, “I don’t do subpar advice. Besides, I owe you. You helped me out with the Josie thing, and that’s what family does, right? Look out for each other.”

TK turned again, a soft smile on his lips, “Yeah, I guess it does.”

They stood in companionable silence for a few more minutes before Paul spoke again, “So, do we wait and go in at separate times, or do we go in together? I’m new to this whole clandestine relationship stuff. I am not familiar with this life of intrigue and secrets you’ve been leading.”

TK rolled his eyes, “Stop exaggerating, we don’t need to hide anything. If people draw conclusions well, maybe a conclusion needed to be made.”

Paul raised an eyebrow at the implications, “are you saying you’re going to come clean? Tonight?” he shook his head, “Man, I know my advice is good, but I didn’t think it was that good.”  

“I’m saying,” TK said over him, “that maybe I should be a little more open. I feel bad lying to family, after all.”

“Do I get to say told you so?”

“You do not.”

Paul shrugged, “I’m going to anyway.”

TK shook his head and patted his shoulder before heading back into the bar. Paul smiled, and followed suit.

If for the rest of the night he noticed TK standing closer to Carlos, leaning into his space, giving him wide and open smiles, he said nothing. If the others started to notice as well and raised eyebrows before asking outright questions, that was really none of his business. He was content to quietly sip his drink and watch everything play out around him. When TK shot him a grateful smile as he grasped Carlos’s hand, he returned it.

Paul hated not knowing things. And this, this was a good thing to know.

Like it? Come leave a comment on Ao3!

[seblos]

no grave can hold my body down

words: 1,664

series:  dreaming like we'll live forever (but live it like it's now or never)

read on ao3

Carlos dreads lab days in physics.

It was every Friday, tacking the 45 minutes that would be his study hall onto his class.

And the assignments were always partner work. You would think after two years of having him in his class, Mr. Mazzara would begin to understand that Carlos doesn’t exactly have friends.

Well, he does have friends now. He has the people in the show. But most of them are in the grade above him. The ones that are in his grade, like Gina and Ashlyn, are in the honors class. (Why they chose to take honors physics of all classes is beyond him.)

Nevertheless, it leaves Carlos alone and, by default, partnerless for all of their lab assignments.

It was Halloween this particular Friday, and Carlos wanted nothing more than to just go home, change out of his Halloween sweater, (it was black with two skeletons dancing together) and into his costume, (he was dressing up as the little March of the Falsettos character from Falsettos, respectively,) for the cast Halloween party that Ashlyn was throwing.

Unfortunately, before he could do that, though, he had to face the living nightmare that was his physics lab.

He takes a seat in the front of the classroom, gathering his notebook and pen and just hoping that someone will feel bad enough for him that they invite him to their group.

Carlos is met with no such luck, though. When Mr. Mazzara calls for people to partner up, he’s once again left to do the lab on his own.

That is until another figure appears next to him.

Literally appears. The seat next to him that was once empty is now being occupied by a certain blonde-headed spirit.

Seb Matthew-Smith had been following Carlos around for a year now, ever since he choreographed their fall production of High School Musical his sophomore year. From what Carlos has gathered, it was in high school when they were filming the original movie. It was some accident in the theatre that… you know … and caused him to be cursed to the auditorium.

He also didn’t appear until Carlos showed up, leaving them technically the same age. (Where he was before he showed up, Carlos is still trying to figure that one out.)

“Need a hand?” the ghost asks, leaning forwards.

Carlos is still surprised to see him here. So far, he hasn’t been able to leave the auditorium. Most of their conversations have taken place before or after rehearsals, or any other time he’s been able to sneak out of class.

And yet, there he sits in Carlos’s physics class.

He’s about to ask how Seb even got here, before remembering he’s still technically in class. Talking to himself probably wouldn’t go over great with his peers.

Instead, he turns to his teacher. “Mr. Mazzara, can I go work in the hall?”

Thankfully, the lab they’re working on is about speed-conversions and requires them to walk and hop around, (when are the people who make these things going to start making them with actual useful skills? If Carlos wanted to speed-walk, he wouldn’t be trying to skip gym every day,) so Mr. Mazzara gives him the go-ahead.

He gathers his phone, lab sheet, and pencil case, before subtly motioning for Seb to follow him out of the classroom.

“How did you get over here?” he asks the boy, not even batting an eye when the door passes straight through him. “The science wing is like, all the way on the other side of the school from the theater.”

Seb shrugs. “You seemed distressed, so I just… left.”

That’s another thing that’s been happening. The more Carlos talks to Seb, especially about something he feels strong emotions about, the closer he feels to the ghost. Like, spiritually closer, as if their souls are beginning to connect in a way that he can’t quite put words to. (That is, if Seb still has a soul. Are ghosts just souls, or is it the souls leaving their body that makes them die?)

Either way, Seb has been able to sense a lot of Carlos’s emotions recently. He always knew exactly how Carlos feels about rehearsal, making him the perfect outlet for frustration if needed.

Although, recently, Carlos hasn’t been talking about rehearsal as much to Seb. Nowadays, he’s been more interested in Seb’s life— or, more accurately, what his life was back when he still had one of those.

He hasn’t been able to gather much so far, but he treasures what he has. Seb lived on a farm with seven siblings. They had cows and sheep. He went to East High and was set to graduate in 2011 before he died. He was in a few of the school productions, either in the show itself or as the piano accompanist. (Carlos made a mental note to look at some of the old yearbooks in the library.)

And Seb is gay. Not that it really mattered.

Carlos doesn’t know much else besides that. He has bits and pieces that don’t make sense together, but every time he brings them up, like how he died or more about his family, Seb gets really quiet and changes the subject.

On really bad days, Seb will just poof out completely and then come back 15 minutes later when he feels Carlos distressing.

It’s an odd little relationship, what the two of them have, but it works. And Carlos would do anything to help Seb feel alive again.

Even if that means crashing his physics lab.

“Looks like you need a little help with your lab,” he smiles, gesturing towards the papers in his hand.

Carlos rolls his eyes. “I could do it by myself, you know,” he defends.

Seb just raises his eyebrows, still smiling. (The kid almost never stops smiling. Even while dead, he looks livelier than Carlos.)

He sighs, continuing. “But… if you want to time me while I do the speed things, it would be helpful,” he admits. He holds out his phone towards the ghost, but just as Seb is about to take it, Carlos pulls back. “But keep it on the ground so it doesn’t look like it’s floating in midair. And don’t laugh at me!”

“I would never laugh at you,” Seb says, laughing.

He hesitates before handing his phone over again, this time allowing for the boy to take it. Luckily, it doesn’t pass right through his hands and drop on the floor like he was having trouble with the first time Carlos met him. All Carlos can hope is that nobody is watching him through the window on the classroom door.

“What do you have to do?” Seb asks, settling on the floor and leaning against the wall in the hallway. (Carlos has no idea how he can choose to go through some things and not go through others.)

He reads out the directions. “Hop 5 meters on one foot. Then do the same for 10m and 15m. Record your speed for each distance.”

Which won’t be mortifying at all to do alone, obviously, judging by Seb’s grin.

As Carlos measures out the distance with the yardstick Mr. Mazzara gave him, the ghost kept talking. “So what were you upset about, anyway?”

He sounds genuinely interested in helping, so Carlos explains his situation. “I don’t have any friends in this class, and we always have partner labs that I just end up doing alone.”

“Well, you’re not alone now,” Seb says. “We’re friends.”

“Yeah, not that anyone else knows,” Carlos laughs more to himself than to the spirit’s comment.

“Doesn’t matter who knows. Just matters that you have me,” Seb points out.

Carlos doesn’t respond. “Start the timer,” he says instead.

While he’s hopping down to the 5 meter mark, though, he can’t help and think about what Seb said. It was true, it didn’t really matter who knew about him. Although… it could be interesting if he did tell someone about the ghost from the theater. Perhaps Ashlyn would believe him.

The thought of his friend reminds him of their party later, then of what day it was, and a question sparks in his mind. He stops hopping. “Why are you here today, anyway?”

“Your speed was 3.14 seconds. And what do you mean? I told you already I came because you were upset.”

“Well, yeah, but today is Halloween. Shouldn’t you be out haunting people, or whatever ghosts do today.”

Seb’s face falls, and Carlos immediately regrets bringing anything up.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet, but I don’t exactly have any ghost friends. I wouldn’t have anywhere to go even if I could leave the theater now on my own.”

“Oh, so that’s why you follow me around all the time,” Carlos teases, trying to lighten the mood so Seb doesn’t poof out.

“Well, that and because I like you,” he responds with the same tone, and Carlos is taken aback a little bit. (Never in his life did he think a ghost would be flirting with him on Halloween.) (At least, he thinks it’s flirting.)

They finish the rest of the lab in silence. He wishes there was a way to bring Seb around to places. His friends would love him if they could meet him. But there has to be a reason he’s the only one who can…

“Wanna come to our Halloween party?” he asks when they finish up, more as a joke but hoping that maybe Seb would consider. (He at least would have an escape if anything happened that left him isolated tonight.) “You would make a great sheet ghost.”

“I don’t think I can voluntarily go places.”

“Well, then, maybe I’ll have a panic attack just to summon you.”

“No,” Seb hands Carlos his phone, leading him to the door. “Enjoy tonight. I’ll be here to hear about it tomorrow.”

And with that, he poofs out, leaving Carlos to enter his classroom alone again.

[dispatchesfrom2020]

2020

What stories was I sleeping on?

So, what stories did I definitely miss before this project? Well, Atlantic Hurricanes and the Belarussian protests, for sure. Here are some of the other news I skipped out on during the year - or my recaps.

Ben Curtis/AP

1. Locusts Swarm 

An unusually wet 2019 led to swampy conditions across the Horn of Africa and western Asia - giving rise to a nearly biblical swarm of locusts. There are photographs where they literally seem to black-out the sun. The culprit? Climate change. The warming waters of the Indian ocean led to stormier weather - essentially more and bigger cyclones. It’s the worst outbreak of the crop-devouring pests in a quarter-century and it threatens food security across the region. The pandemic grinds international trade to a stop - obstructing many countries efforts to buy pesticides, equipment or bring in expert help to curb the infestation. Throughout the year, these swarms ballooned in size, stretching deep into Asia and across the Pacific ocean to Argentina and Brazil. An estimated 20 million people could face hunger and starvation and the UN’s World Food Program estimates that recovery could cost upwards of $9b USD in Africa alone.

Tyler Hicks/The New York Times

2. The Tigray War

For three decades the Tigray people held the balance of political and economic power in the country, tightly controlled through the Tigray People Liberation Front (TPLF), a Tigray nationalist party. In 2018 the Ethiopian election People's Revolutionary Democratic Front, led by Oromo Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed Ali, won control of the country’s government.

Animosities boiled over when the Tigray province persisted with the 2020 election, despite government orders to postpone voting until 2021 due to the coronavirus. Prime Minister Abiy cut off funding to Tigray, incising local leadership. In November 2020, youth militias affiliated with the TPLF killed six hundred villagers in the border town of Mai Kadra - and allegedly attacked Ethiopian military bases. 

The government responded by shelling the Tigray capital of Mekelle. Ethiopia’s armed forces quickly took control of the city and surrounding towns, with the militias retreating into the mountains where skirmishes have continued. 

With Tigrayan people facing violent retaliation - they have faced furloughs from jobs, had bank accounts suspended, faced arbitrary raids on their homes, and been refused permission to board airplanes or travel overseas. Many have faced direct violence, especially from non-Tigray militias.

The conflict has seen incursions from Eritrean forces. Abiy was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for his work mending the relationship with Ethiopia’s former colony-turned-neighbour. They share a common enemy now - Tigray. Eritrean forces slaughtered church-goers at a religious festival in early December, killing children and elders indiscriminately. These shadow forces of Fano militias and Eritrean soldiers have committed war crimes - including extrajudicial killings and rape. They even looted the church that allegedly houses the Ark of the Covenant.

The Tigrayan refugees have only one option: Sudan. One journalist writes: “Several [Tigrayan refugees] told me that they saw dozens of bodies along the route as they fled their shops, homes and farms and took to the long road to the border... in stifling heat.”

The New York Times series on Tigray was helpful in understanding more about the conflict and its historical and ethnic contexts. But I have to say - I feel unclear about what comes next. Will guerilla warfare between the Tigray militias and Eritrean-Ethiopian forces continue? Will the country face international consequences for their move towards genocide? I guess 2021 will decide.

A SolarWinds banner hangs outside the New York Stock Exchange on the company’s IPO day in 2018 - Brendan McDermid/Reuters

3. The SolarWinds hack

I chose to write about icebergs rather than this story for a reason. I wholly do NOT understand cyber security. Like, at all. My eyes glaze over when somebody tries to explain Wikileaks to me. I tried. I really did - I read like three articles trying to parse the details and make sense of anything and here’s what I got:

Hackers - almost certainly Russian - got into the US government secure networks. For a lot of departments. For months. It’s really, really bad. The government has a pretty blasé response to the disaster. Trump blames China. Agencies are turning directly to Microsoft for answers rather than their own cyber security people. It’s a blazing hot mess.

I’m going to continue to not understand this one, sorry.

Juan Carlos Ulate/Reuters

4. Civil Rights in 2020

The expansion of civil rights in Central/South America, with the legalization of abortion in Argentina in December and the introduction of gay marriage in Costa Rica in May, gave us something to celebrate in 2020. These new rights are the result of years - and decades - of organizing by activists in these two countries. 

Costa Rica is the sixth Latin-American country to legalize gay marriage. Argentina joins a short list of places in Latin America where abortion is fully legal - just Cuba, Guyana, Uruguay, and two Mexican states.

Some couples rushed to wed on the stroke of midnight - magistrates stayed up late into the night to marry couples. Marcos Castillo (L) and Rodrigo Campos (R) waited until the following morning - and celebrated with a masked kiss after their ceremony. 

Other notable moments in civil rights? New Zealand officially revoked their antiquated anti-abortion laws (which they’d been effectively ignoring for years anyway), Bhutan decriminalized homosexuality, Switzerland passed legislation that will allow people to change the gender on their government IDs, and Croatia struck down laws forbidding gay couples from fostering children. Albania banned gay conversion therapy - as did the Yukon, actually - and Barbados made discrimination on the basis of sexuality illegal.

Nicky Kuautonga/The Guardian

5. Oceania crushed the pandemic

Virtually all of the countries reported to be COVID-free during 2020 were Oceanic nations and island territories. Turkmenistan says they didn’t have any cases but they’re lyin’. -Tuvalu Kiribati, Nauru, Tonga, and Palau all ended the year with no cases, while Samoa and the Solomon Islands reported a few isolated cases in quarantine facilities as they re-opened the border to repatriate their citizens abroad. 

Some combination of strict travel restrictions, new hygiene rules, curfews, and early lockdowns kept most of these countries relatively untouched. While New Zealand and Australia experienced several flare-ups throughout the year, their targeted lockdowns helped eradicate community spread quickly each time, returning them to schools, workplaces and boozy brunches quickly.

Honourable mentions to Vietnam and Thailand - with 100 million and 70 million citizens apiece both have charted under 100 deaths to COVID - and Taiwan with only nine casualties.

Gulalay Amiri, a pomegranate farmer, surveys his slim haul. Fighting as worsened in many parts of Afghanistan after the United States announced they would withdraw from the country in 2021 - Jim Huylebroek for The New York Times

6. War in Afghanistan

In March the United States signed a peace-deal with the Taliban, promising to withdraw troops by May of 2021. The War in Afghanistan has lasted 19 years - the longest war in American history and the majority of my lifetime.

I don’t know how to feel about it.

During peace talks the Taliban refused to commit to recognizing the country’s elected government, disavowing Al-Qaeda or protecting women’s rights. They support limited education for girls - only up to the sixth grade.

I listened to a few podcasts by the Daily on the ground in Afghanistan with the current government’s security forces. Many of the young soldiers they interviewed were so young they’d never lived in a country governed by the Taliban - and they fiercely oppose the idea. It also appears that the Afghan government were often excluded from peace talks, finding out details of the American meetings with the Taliban through international news reports and Taliban statements on social media. 

Since the Taliban’s deal with the United States, Taliban bombings and attacks have continued, targeting both security forces and civilians. The Afghan government has pointed the finger at the Taliban for mass shooting at a maternity ward in Kabul that killed 24 women and infants. “They came for the mothers”, said horrified eyewitnesses.

For almost two decades, the western world has supported the ‘new’ Afghanistan - but it feels very fragile. Will a withdrawal lead those people that assisted coalition forces vulnerable to retaliation? It feels likely. The fighting between the Taliban and the Afghan government has been fierce - and come with high civilian casualties. The year is punctuated, nearly monthly, with news of new attacks in Afghanistan.

It reminds me of the end of the Vietnam war. America withdrew and two years later the south was retaken by the North. In the final days of the Vietnam war the United States evacuated around 150,000 civilians who had worked with American on the ground. Nearly a million others left the country by boat, seeking asylum at refugee camps in Indonesia, Malaysia and the Philippines. Hundreds of thousands of Vietnamese people who had collaborated with the US-backed South were sent to re-education camps where they were sometimes tortured or starved. Is this what Afghanistan will look like? 

There’s no 'good’ solution - and for now the future of the war in Afgahnistan feels very opaque. I think I under-reported stories in the region as a result - it feels too complex to boil down into daily recaps.

Bobi Wine, 38, was detained by police for allegedly breaking COVID-19 restrictions while campaigning in Uganda’s upcoming presidential election - Abubaker Lubowa/Reuters

8. Ugandan election protests

Western media doesn’t seem to place a lot of importance on reporting in Africa - but what little attention they had for the continent focused on the anti-SARS protests in Nigeria throughout the fall. The attention on police violence in America raised the profile of these demonstrations - and the brutality of the government’s response, shooting at dozens of peaceful marchers gathered at the Lekki toll bridge.

But they were far from the only protests in Africa.

As Uganda prepared for an election early in 2021, the government forcefully cracked down on youthful dissidents - like presidential hopefuls Bobi Wine and Patrick Amuriat who were detained by police during the final campaign pushes in November. 

Wine, a young musician, has been arrested numerous times since he announced his candidacy. One occasion police beat Wine so badly he temporarily lost his vision - they also killed his driver. They raided his offices, confiscating election materials, and arrested supporters. His bodyguard will later be killed after being struck by a military truck while helping an injured reporter escape tear-gas during December protests.

Police record 56 casualties as they violently put down the large-scale protests - though human rights group have suggested the real number could be dramatically higher. 

Ariana Quesada holds a photo of her father, Benito. He died after an outbreak at the Cargill meat-packing plant where he worked. She filed a complaint with the RCMP, asking them to investigate conditions at the plant - Justin Pennell/CBC

9. Meat packing plants become coronavirus hotspots

Meat processing plants become super-spreaders - these often rurally-located factories see massive outbreaks across the United States and Canada. Their floors are crowded with employees working elbow-to-elbow, forced to shout over the loud din of machinery. The refrigeration - necessary for keeping the meat unspoiled - may allow the virus to live longer in the air.

By September of 2020, nearly 500 meat-processing plants had reported at least one case of COVID in the United States. And 203 had died. 

At a Tyson Foods factory in Waterloo, Iowa, staff allege that management placed bets on how many workers would become sick - and die. Supervisors began avoiding the floor, relegating their responsibilities to untrained workers. 

The plant reluctantly closed - by the time they re-opened two weeks later over a third of their 2,800 workforce had tested positive. Five workers died - including Isidro Fernandez, whose family is leading a lawsuit against the company.

In Canada, Cargill faces a similar lawsuit after an enormous outbreak in their High River facility that resulted in three deaths - two employees and one staffer’s 71-year-old father. They were: Hiep Bui, Armando Sallegue, and Benito Quesada. The company offered a $500 “responsibility” bonus for workers who didn’t miss any shifts - and discouraged employees from reporting any flu-like symptoms. Many of the factory’s workers are temporary foreign workers or new Canadians. 

10. The Nazca Lines

I forgot about this and am shoehorning it in now, but Peruvian archaeologists discovered another ancient line drawing in the desert outside of Lima - this time in the shape of a kitty cat.

Of all the archaeology finds this year - remains at Pompeii, a mammoth graveyard in Mexico, and a wealth of sarcophagi in Egypt - this is my favourite.

[theoestofocs]

thinking about jurgen leitner again

Leitner, who thinks he’s safe, thinks he’s exempt from the rules of horror that govern the world--because why wouldn’t he be? He’s never been subject to them before. He’s a rich white man who’s never needed to work for a living. He’s never had to do anything but watch as his employees, his assistants, do all the lethal work for him, as he cycles through them like matchsticks and they each face death or worse for his little hobby. He didn’t care about them. He thought he was safe, and he had his little collection, and could pretend he was a hero for hoarding them, like Marie Antoinette with her peasant village, all the quaint self-congratulation and none of the fear.

It never occurred to him that his actions had consequences. And what gets me is that they weren’t even the moral consequences, no vengeful relatives of the people he killed in his quest to build the perfect cursed library, no ghost of angry assistants past that came back to haunt their killer. No, it was just the ordinary, aimless destruction that comes for anyone who brushes too close to the entities. Leitner never faced the consequences of his actions, not really. He stole the bones of other people to play some poker with, and all that happened was that he lost the game.

At least we know that Gerry got to beat him up (though the goth himself never knew. He died--and died again--thinking he’d attacked an old man for no reason. There’s no satisfaction in that; just more seemingly-random violence, more unwarranted guilt.)

because really aren’t all the characters in tma just trying to cope with the fact that they’re living in a tragedy? it’s not like they don’t know the genre of their own stories. Not at first, maybe, but they catch on real quick. And for most of them, we watch that change happen.

Tim says “the only thing you need to have your life destroyed by this stuff is just bad luck,” and he isn’t wrong. That’s all it is, that’s all any of this is--bad luck for everyone, except a total of maybe three characters. Three people we know of that made it through the end of the world unscathed. Two, really, because I don’t count Annabelle as a survivor, but the Web has shown enough “subtle manipulation” that I’ll count it as an honorary person, at least for now.

Elias, sat up in his tower, is presumably the winner of the apocalypse, though I’d be willing to guess it isn’t as lovely as he expected. Can’t say much about how his story ends, not yet; but over his long, horrible life, there’s no indication that he ever fell victim to the same awful fates he causes for everyone else. And there is, I suppose, a sort of idea that you can protect yourself from suffering by making others suffer first. Jordan Kennedy, Jude Perry, Jon himself; it is, quite literally, a situation of “eat or be eaten.” But--but I’ve said it before in other posts, none of the Avatars are really anything but tragedies themselves. They’re all victims too, same as everyone else. Except for a very, very few. Jonah Magnus, for instance, chose this.

I think so, at least. Perhaps not. But if he did, that’s what sets him apart from everyone else; Jonah chose to cause suffering, because he preferred to end the world than face the single simple truth of his own inevitable end.

And from the moment he made that choice, two hundred years ago, no one else has ever gotten another chance to choose.

I wonder if that’s on purpose. I wonder, is The Magnus Archives meant to be about the fundamental nature of the world? Is the implication of Tim’s statement really that everything is fundamentally cruel and utterly random, and we are all equally subject to the whims of chance? Or is there something else?

Because we know from the manifold clues in-canon that the Web was the one who really orchestrated Jonah’s ritual. From the spider that made Jon cave in the office wall and trigger Jane Prentiss’ attack, to the lighter that started him smoking again and got him out of the office just long enough for Leitner to die, to the table that killed Sasha, to the house on Hill Top Road, to the very first mark Jon received before he even made it through his first decade--it was all the Web. Elias really just set the Mother’s provided victim off on his course as Archivist and let everything else fall where it may. The Web was the one that kept him alive, made sure he had just the right assistants to hurt and be hurt by when he could have been helped the most, and carefully, thoroughly marked him by every entity, from the NotThem to the End.

Maybe Jonah did make a choice. But if he did, it was the last real choice anyone was ever permitted to make. Because there are things that will use every fear and doubt and despair we have, and feed on them until we’re either monsters or we’re dead. And when there’s something so much more powerful than us which sees a puppet it can use to bring itself through, make itself king--what chance do we have to fight it?

(Could it have been Robert Smirke that first gave the Web the idea for a ritual Jonah would put into practice a full two hundred years later? All this time, was Jon the Mother’s puppet, or was it Jonah, after all?)

Either way, the point remains that we are so much less powerful than the forces controlling our every choice, compelling us to compromise and sacrifice until there’s nothing of ourselves left to give. They grind us down to dust, and use the gristle of our flesh to fuel the nameless machine. 

(Jonny did say this story was meant for nine-to-five office workers, didn’t he?)

And so Jurgen is finally confronted with something stronger than himself, and all his hideous weakness is exposed for the world to see. So Jon spends so much time looking over his shoulder that he walks right through the door of Fear itself, never even noticing until it’s far too late. So Tim gives up on the only friend he could still trust to have his own face, furious and heartbroken and letting his last hope shatter as surely as Carlos Vittery’s teacup, marked as it was with the smear of a spider.

There’s really only one character in the entire podcast who has simply never accepted the fact that his life is a tragedy.

It’s not that he doesn’t realize how bad it is. He’s faced as much suffering as everyone else. It’s not that he doesn’t care about everyone who’s died, everything that’s been done to him, every piece of himself he’s lost. He just... refuses to let it make him stop caring.

Georgie sets boundaries, and Melanie forces the universe to let her find a way out. Both of them recognize the fact that no matter what choice they make, there’s a price to pay; so they make the choices that will cost them less. Really, they’re the only two characters that consistently follow the directions you’d typically be yelling at horror movie characters. Georgie would never open that door. (Jon did.)

Tim offered himself up as cannon fodder, Basira set her laser focus solely on survival, Daisy fought tooth and nail against everything (including her own teeth and claws), and Jon searched for answers that were dangled in front of him like a carrot on a stick, but Martin... Martin just cared.

And everyone thought that made him stupid. Not just Jon, though we (rightly) lambaste him for it; everyone did. It was taken as a given. Martin made tea, and gave good hugs, and never really understood what was going on. That was just Martin.

Pictured above is a screenshot of TMA 110, when Basira just comes out and says what everyone else has intimated and assumed in a thousand different phrases up to now. “I know you care. I know you do. But caring isn’t enough. You can’t just stand next to someone with a cup of tea and hope everything’s gonna be all right.”

And Martin’s right, that isn’t fair. She doesn’t know him. Nobody does, and it’s not because Martin hides himself; they just can’t believe he could possibly be the face he shows to the world.

But it is his face. Martin has, quite literally, looked in the face of fear itself five times I can think of off the top of my head, all long before season 5. He got trapped in his apartment and Michael’s hallways and the Lonely, and lost first one friend, then two more, then his only living family and everything else all at once. He was forced to understand exactly how and why his mother hated him, and always had, and always would. He is intimately familiar with the fact that the guy he’s in love with is a grumpy rat man who also happens to be a monster that feeds on trauma. Martin isn’t naive. He just acts like it.

Georgie sets boundaries, and she’s right to, but Martin refuses to accept what she cannot ignore: that sometimes, trying to help will just get you hurt. “Sometimes helping people hurts,” he tells her, and it’s a cruel thing to say, really, but he says it anyway because he cares too much to care about if it hurts. Martin looks at a world that is quite literally a hellscape of apocalyptic suffering, and asks if Jon wants to go for a walk. He lets himself fall into the Lonely because he refuses to stand by and let the inevitable tragedy and horror of their lives change him. He refuses to stop being kind--not just nice, not just as kind as it’s safe to be. To Martin, the common-sense decision in any situation is to choose kindness over safety. To help someone, because his life is not more important to him than theirs.

It’s not a wise way of living, to be sure.To be clear, I don’t recommend it, either.  That’s how you get a martyr complex, and anxiety and depression, and if you’re inclined to try it anyway, I’d like to point out that all three of the above rather interfere with your ability to effectively help out other people. Anyway, maybe this whole deal is why Jon and Martin make such a comfortable match--they both have different flavours of self-sacrificing tendencies.

It’s not wise, and it’s not advisable, and it’s not a good way of living; but it’s not a stupid way of living, either. It’s reckless and dangerous and, speaking from experience, not something that’s possible to keep up forever, no matter how hard you grit your teeth and make yourself keep going. But it’s also not an approach that happens accidentally.

Martin would rather die than stand by and do nothing while others get hurt, and he refuses to assume that people getting hurt is inevitable. He’s patently wrong about the preventability of suffering, and he knows that, but unlike everyone else in the podcast, he refuses to accept it. As long as there’s a chance that him doing something can help someone else, he’ll do it. No matter what it costs.

Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to save a ruined world.

Sometimes, you keep fighting anyway.

[fuckyeahcarlosandlidia]

Carlos & Lidia and The Obsession: victims of a terrible storyline

So I made a rewatch of a few scenes, because seriously, guys, for the life of me I can’t find a logical explanation about this storyline.  In general, the season was terrible, so that in some way kinda reassures me, it wasn’t just Lidia and Carlos and the triangle BS, but still, it’s my personality to try to find answers and try to understand. So here’s my interpretation of a few facts, and I really hope you’ll share with me your opinions about it.

They clearly built up the season in order to get exactly the ending we got.  They wanted Lidia and Carlos to separate, they wanted this angst, they wanted Carlos to fail, and they wanted a new start for the triangle as well.  With two seasons to come, they had to find new stories and new dynamics. Because the show isn’t coming to an end. 

Said that, they didn’t do it in the most predictable way which, I don’t know, could have been Lidia realizing she still loves Francisco and then as soon as he wakes up, she dumps Carlos, because that’s what she wants. No, they played with her feelings and with Carlos’ feelings. They wanted the audience to doubt about the real reasons Lidia couldn’t help but being there for Francisco every single day and night, they wanted Carlos to doubt as well. That’s why she wasn’t clear about her feelings when Carlos proves how insecure he was.  “That bullet was for me, and I think you would prefer if it was me in his place. You still love him, don’t you?” She doesn’t say anything because they didn’t want her to say anything right there.

Lidia is obsessed about Francisco’s conditions, it’s her frustration. She believes he’s in such a state because of her, because of what happened with Eva and she just can’t see anything else. She neglects Carlos, her family and by doing that, she leaves him alone with his doubts and fears as well. Vulnerable and exposed for his obsession to start, for people to play with his fears. Carlos has spent a year being patient and understandable towards her but constantly missing her in his life the way she was supposed to be. And he did everything in his power to be supportive and loving and caring. And I think he reallytried to do anything to make her happy, to make her feel better, but it never seemed enough. But the writers wanted us to wonder if Lidia was still in love with Francisco and they kept going on with that for awhile.

Then everything changes around episode 5. That’s the point when Carlos’ obsession increases and Lidia’s disappears, and she starts letting go and finally she opens up about her feelings to Carlos. She finally realizes that he has always been there for her and she hasn’t, but unfortunately it’s too late because the good intentions Carlos may have had on telling her about Francisco fades away the moment he sees her so upset and finally so close to him. Also, there’s another moment in this very same scene that just makes something click for Carlos. It’s when Lidia says that she hopes it’s not the last time Carlota and Oscar see each other. There’s pure fear on Carlos’s face, and it’s something I noticed even in 4x01 when Lidia tells him about Marga and Pablo’s divorce.

From that moment, it’s Carlos’ downhill. The morning after they made love and Lidia is completely happy and so tender with him, he asks her to marry him and he’s not satisfied with her answer. “Let’s think about it” even though it’s crystal clear she’s very touched by his words. And it’s exactly right after Oscar gets arrested that Lidia realizes there’s no reason to wait, that life is now and that it’s worth to live it now. Everything can change in a minute and when she says yes, let’s get married, she’s completely happy and sure. She admits once again about her obsession on Francisco, but she makes it clear to Carlos that what she truly want is him, their family. The problem here again is him. It’s him that completely lost himself. It’s him who has been captured by his own obsession.

Another interesting point that to me proves that Lidia had no intention to leave Carlos at all and that everything she did for Francisco was just something moved by her true desire  that he could be fine is exactly the moment she sees him again.  Lidia herself said that now she can truly be happy, and of course she doesn’t know what Carlos is doing behind her back. She says that because now that Francisco is alright, she can get free of this bargain and move on with her life as well. The only memories we see of them are the ones of them as kids at the station, nothing else. Sure, he has just this memory of her, but it’s also because, IMO, their relationship has always been connected to that, to them as kids. 

Another thing I liked is that Lidia corrects Francisco when he calls her Alba. She tells him that her name is Lidia, and that was really good to hear  because it implies many things. But the very moment that made the difference was her reaction when he tells her that Carlos was at the hospital when he woke up. Lidia can’t believe it, she tells him he must be confused, and that’s what she repeats three times, to Angeles as well. She says it right there to Francisco, she says to Angeles “Carlos is the father of my child, my best friend, he couldn’t do anything like that” and even when she learns the deal he made about Eva, she still can’t believe it. When Francisco tells her that, she even starts shaking. 

When she goes home to take Eva away and she starts fighting with Carlos, showing how much he hurt her, telling him that she thought they were a team, that she has always seen them together, that was just sooo painful because you can see, you have the real proof that Lidia would truly never leave him. She needed Francisco to be fine because he’s someone very important to her, but she had no intention to leave the man she loved and chose. It was her obsession that made her make mistakes.  The thing is that she found the chance to free herself from her obsession, Carlos didn’t.  Carlos completely fell for it, and he let it devour him. And that’s the very reason why she leaves him.  He gave her a reason to leave, he gave her a reason not to see her anymore. The way she yells at him through the tears “you won’t see me anymore!” And that’s when she decides to go back being “Alba”, to go back to her first love, a safe choice, because he didn’t break her heart.

Obsession is a disease, it makes you distort reality, it makes you not see the reality and sometimes makes you become someone you’re not, and makes you do what you’ll never do.  With Carlos, they did that, mostly with than with Lidia. I still think it was forced, it was something they deliberately decided to do because as I said they wanted to change the dynamic in the triangle, and by doing that, they destroyed both. They obviously destroyed Carlos because they made him do huge mistakes and they destroyed Lidia, in the end they made her switch her partner, forgetting the growth she had in 3 seasons. 

I honestly don’t know what they’re gonna do next, I imagine they’ll keep playing with the triangle because that’s their favorite thing. What I’ll take from this, and as I said I would like to hear your opinion as well, is that clearly Lidia had no intention to leave Carlos, he was her choice,  the father of her child, her best friend, her partner, the man she wanted as her husband for the rest of her life. AGAIN. Sadly, they made him sabotage himself because of an obsession that was increased by others as well, but mostly because the writers wanted to hit him to go with this storyline.  Or else, there was no way they could do it.  Because for 3 seasons, Lidia has always picked him.  And no matter how many difficulties they have gone through, he never went that far with lies. And this season everything was made to destroy Carlos.

What I can hope for season 5 is that they re-build Carlos as the man he has always been. Far away from his mother and even from his sister, who really didn’t help him at all.  If that’s a fresh start for everyone, it must be for him, too, and maybe if Lidia saw how changed he is, she can forgive him and understand better why he did what he did. They will see each other again, for sure, the story isn’t over and letting go right now is too soon. Sure, now there’s room for disappointment, anger and sadness because they totally played us, disrespect us and the characters. God, their own characters! For something they thought it was cool.  Their protagonst, the leading lady, the one who’s supposed to be the main character in a feminist show. 

But as I said, I’ll try my best to keep the optimism alive, because I care about these 2 too much, and because I think there’s still hope, for real. Oh, I forgot to say in my previous post how wonderful Blanca and Martiño are.  The chemistry, the feelings that they can give to us are just magical and I’ll never get tired of saying this.  They’re truly beautiful together, even when they fight.  And no matter how many mistakes Carlos does,  Martiño has such a face that makes it impossible to mad at him, because he’s able to make you feel the pain with just one look. 

Sorry if it’s too long, but I had many things to say:D

[mwdders]

Hello

Requested: No, but send me requests.

Warnings: swearing, abuse, fighting, toxic behaviour.

Harry Hook x reader

Word Count: 3,084

Plot: This is based off the song Everytime by Ariana Grande. It’s about being in a toxic relationship, and even though they know they’re no good for each other they always go back to each other no matter what.

—

Waiting at the door, it seems like forever, I was suppose to be meeting Harry nearly 2 hours ago. Having the feeling he wasn’t going to show again I storm off and back to my room.

I get tired of your no shows

Unlocking my dorm, I huff and walk over to my bed, Jane my room mate looks up at me.

“Did he not show again?”

“No he didn’t.” I fall back onto my bed. “Am i doing something wrong? That’s 3 times this week he’s not shown.”

“Sweetie you’re not doing anything wrong. Harry’s clearly just not got his priories straight.” She looks at me sympathetically.

“I’m going to find him.” I stand up and quickly change from the clothes I was wearing for our date into a black dress, pink jacket and black heeled ankle boots.

“Is that wise? I mean you’re angry, he might have a good excuse.”

“No, he won’t. I already know what’s happened. I bet I’ll find him in Uma’s office.” Without giving Jane the chance to reply I’m out the door.

Walking down the corridor I walk past people staring at me, I may be an Auradon kid but i am not a princess and certainly do not act like one.

Walking to Uma’s dorm, I knock on the door next to it, which is her office. “Who is it?”

“Y/n. Open up.” The door opens and Uma stands in front of me. “Have you seen Harry?”

“No, sorry. Why?”

“He never showed for our date and I waited 2 hours.” For a second she looks sympathetic but that quickly vanishes. “Huh, maybe he did say something about training?” She puts her fingers to her chin as if she’s thinking.

“No games today Uma. I’m not in the mood.”

“Like I said, try the gym.” She slams the door in my face and I swear I could rip her head off her body.

Sauntering away I make my way towards the gym. Pushing the double doors open probably a little too dramatically, I find Harry training with the rest of the crew but also Jay.

“There you are.”

“Princess.” He smiles at me but keeps training.

“Forget something?” I walk over to him my heels clicking on the tiled floor. “I don’t think so.” “Oh I think you did.” I lean against a pillar and cross my arms. “Nothing comes to mind?” He questions looking at me, I raise my eyebrows, he can’t be serious. “Sweetheart, I’ve been waiting 2 hours for you.” “I’m still confused? I’ve been in the gym, every Thursday 3-5 is my gym time.” “No baby, you were suppose to meet me for our date.” He stops what he’s doing and turns to me. “No that’s tomorrow.” He shakes his head. “Harry, it was today.” Trying not to get angry, I breathe a little deeper, “Y/n it’s tomorrow. I’m certain.” I stand in front of him forcing him to stop.

“No. It was today, and you left me waiting for 2 hours. I told you, that Thursday 3-4 is our weekly date. You’ve not showed up three times now because we keep changing it to suit you.”

“Geez you should calm down, I’m sorry I forgot baby but you don’t control my life.”

You get tired of my control

“Everyone out!” I yell, my patience at breaking point. “What? You can’t just kick us out.” Someone says, I turn to them, it being one of Uma’s pirates. “Get the fuck out now before I pull your tongue out your throat and shove it up your ass.” I yell causing everyone to run out the room.

“Y/n what are ya doing love?” “I’ve had enough of you Harry! You never show up, you except me to revolve my life around you, you never consider my life or plans, it’s like you don’t even care for me!”

“I do! It’s just I’m my own person, you try to control me like I’m some perfect prince and I ain’t. I have duties, to myself and to Uma”

“Here we go again, Uma this Uma that. All ya ever do is talk about that bitch!”

“Don’t you call her that!” Harry grabs my jacket by the collar pulling me into him forcefully. “Get your hands off me.” I shove him away and hit him. “Never ever grab me like that again.” He puts his hand to his cheek where there’s an evident red mark. “You hit me? You actually hit me.” “You grabbed me? All because I called Uma a bitch.” “Yeah and I’d do it again in a heartbeat if you were to say it again.” “Noted. I’m going to go now.” “Wait y/n,” he grabs my hand pulling me back, “I am sorry I missed our date.” “It’s fine Harry. I’ll see you later.” I walk away and out the double doors, as I do, I see a crowd of people standing there, clearly being nosey listening to me and Harry fight. “Scram you pieces of shit!” I growl and they all scatter running away.

Walking back to my dorm, i think about what happened with Harry, how he grabbed me and he said he’d do it again if I disrespected Uma, maybe he’s not who I thought he was.

Sighing I enter my room, and take my jacket off throwing it on my bed. “Oh my god! Y/n your neck.” Jane says, I turn to look at her, not realising, Evie and Carlos were sat with her.

“What?” “It’s all red! Like a huge red mark!”

I walk to the mirror and inspect my neck, she was right, there was a huge mark, it must of been where Harry grabbed my collar.

“What happened?”

“Oh erm, Harry grabbed me.”

“He what?!” All 3 say at the same time.

“Yeah, he grabbed me by the collar, but I shoved him away and hit him.” “Jesus y/n, you hit him?” I sit down on my bed opposite the three who were all sat on Jane’s bed.

“Erm yeah, I had no choice, I don’t think he would of let go otherwise.”

“Do we need to talk to him? Im sure Mal and Jay would be happy too.”

“No I’m fine honestly, I sorted it.”

“If you’re sure.” “I am. Thank you though.”

I stand up and walk over to my vanity, I keep lots of things in it but mostly alcohol. I pour myself a drink and down it. “Steady y/n.” Evie says, “I want to forget today ever happened so I’m not slowing down.” I repeat my actions, drink, pour, drink, pour and so on.

I get drunk, pretend that I'm over it

By 10pm I was laying in my bed, drunk and crying, “Why is my life like this Jane? Why couldn’t I have chosen a simple prince, why did I fall for the most complicated boy in Auradon?”

“I don’t know y/n. You know what they say, you can’t chose who your fall for.” “I understand that I do! But I just don’t get Harry, why can’t he just give me some of his time, it’s like he doesn’t even care about me but then he tells me he loves me? It’s so toxic.” “If you feel like that, you should end things with him. You can’t stay with someone you feel doesn’t care about you, even if they do say they love you.”

“But I can’t! There’s something about him that draws me too him, it’s like a connection. I’m hopeless without him but we’re evil together.”

They keep telling me to let go

But I don't really let go when I say so

“Sweetie, you need to sleep and talk to him tomorrow. You can’t make decisions while you’re drunk.” “I suppose not.” Just as I’m about to snuggle down into bed, there’s a knock at the door. “I’ll get it.” I get up and open the door, “Harry? What are you doing here?” “I needed to see you. To make sure you were okay.” He slurred his words and if I wasn’t so drunk I’d say he was drunker.

“Are you high?” I ask being able to smell it on him. “Maybe just a little.” “Oh for god sake, you need to go and sleep it off. We can talk tomorrow.” I push him out the room and walk him to his dorm, we’re like a pair of idiots, he’s leaning on me because he’s seeing double and I’m trying not to trip because the room is spinning.

I open his door to find Gil, Jay and Carlos, they all share a room. “Can one of you take him? He’s high.” I say shoving Harry off me and he falls on Gil’s bed. “Where are ya going?” “To bed.” I attempt to walk to the door but can’t locate it. “Are you drunk y/n?” I turn, not sure which one said it, “Yes, I’ve had a rough day. Don’t judge.” I narrow my eyes at the three of them.

“The doors on the left.” I nod and walk to the door, pushing it open, with a force before tripping over my own feet, making my way back to the dorm.

You get high and call on the regular

I pull my covers back and try to fall asleep, I know for a fact I’ll be hungover tomorrow and have to deal with Harry.

Waking up my hard was pounding, “Ugh.” Rolling over I sit up to Jane not in her bed, picking up my alarm clock, the small numbers reading 1:30pm. I’ve missed all my classes, I’m going to be in so much trouble.

“Oh morning sleepy head!” The door opens and Jane strolls in with a bag of food.

“You’ve missed your classes but I covered for you, said you were ill and when my mum checked on you, you were sleeping so I think you’re safe. I bought you water and a sandwich.”

“Oh thank you.” I stand up and quickly walk over to my wardrobe getting dressed into black jeans and a black top before brushing my teeth. As I sit down to eat, I ask Jane, “Have you er, have you seen Harry today?”

“I did, he was at practice. He didn’t seem himself.” She had a puzzled look on her face.

“Oh, I’m going to go and see him.” I stand up having finished my food and put my boots on.

“Okay, he should be in the gym, practice ran an hour late today so they don’t finish till 2.” I nod, leaving our room.

Mine and Harry’s relationship has always been rocky and by far no means perfect. We argue more than anything, we’re complete opposites, but we’ve been together for 3 years now.

Pushing open the gym door, I see the boys all stood in a circle talking. I stay back and wait sitting down on a bench. The boys break and all walk in different directions, Harry looks around the room spotting me and smiling slightly.

“Hey you.” He comes and sits with me, putting his arm around my shoulders.

“Where were you today?” “I slept through my alarm so didn’t bother with my lessons.” I shrug, “Fairy godmother was concerned about ya, so was I.” “I’m fine. Just overslept.” He pushes my hair out my face and a worrying look appears on his face, “Is that what I did yesterday?” He runs his fingers over the red mark on my neck, I flinch slightly, it clearly bruising. “Yeah.” I sigh, I look up at him for the first time and see a big purple bruise on his face, “Is that what I did yesterday?” Shocked I put both hands on his face and run my thumb over the bruise.

“It’s okay, I deserved it. I’m so sorry I did that to you.” His head drops and I lift his chin.

“Don’t be.” “I’m no good for you Y/n.” “Don’t you say that.” I sit even closer to him, “But it’s true Y/n. We fall out so much, I’m not good enough for you. You should be with someone who deserves you.” I shake my head profoundly, “That’s not true. If anything it’s the other way around Harry.” “I feel like we need space.” “What?” “I’m sorry but it’s over, we need time apart.” He gets up letting my hands go, before walking out the room. Shocked I sit there for ages, staring at the ceiling, my whole world falling apart around me. The silence was so loud it was deafening, it was like I was in another world, everything moving in slow motion.

Because I'm really not here when you're not there

I stand up and wipe the single tear that fell down my cheek away. I walk, slowly back to my room, when I open the door Jane was there, sat at her desk reading. “You okay?” I shake my head and sit on my bed pulling my knees to my chest. “What happened?” “We broke up.” I shut my eyes trying to not let the tears fall. “Oh Y/n I’m sorry.” Jane takes my silence as a queue to talk again, “Do you still want to go to the barbecue?” “Sure, I can’t hide forever I suppose.” I stand up and grab a grey jumper, slipping it over my black top.

“Let’s go.” She links our arms and I smile slightly at her efforts to cheer me up.

We walk out to the field and see everyone sat around a fire. “Hey Y/n.” Mal waves me and Jane over and we sit with her, I see Harry’s head rise at the mention of my name and he looks at me quickly before dropping his eyes again.

The evening flows and all I can do is stare into space and smile at people when they mention my name, I couldn’t even look at Harry without feeling emotionless.

I keep giving people blank stares

I'm so different when you're not there

Once the bonfire finishes, I stay and sit in front of the fire, even though the evening was cold, the air was warm from the flames. “Want some company?” I look up surprised, “Sure.” I shuffle over and make room for Harry. “What are you doing here? I thought you wanted space.” “I did, but I can see you’re shutting everyone out. You didn’t speak a single word at the bonfire.” “I didn’t feel like it.” “Love, you can’t ignore people.” “Why not? You do.” “That’s different.” “Oh really? So it’s different when you ignore me, when you ignore our plans?” “No it’s not but Y/n you know we’re not good for each other.” “We are for each other, we are so good for each other Harry.” “What makes you say that! We’re toxic, we argue, hell we even hit each other yesterday, we’re crazy.” Angry I stand up, “You’re wrong. We may be bad for each other but the good out-ways it. Hell when we’re good we’re amazing, I love you Harry, you know that.” “I love you too but I can’t deal with the stress, the control and the things you make me do.” “Fine then.” I walk away but he grabs me pulling me back. “I’m sorry love but it’s just how it has to be.” “Go to hell.” I yell at him before walking away and back to my room.

-(A month later) as I walk into the cafeteria, everyone stops talking and they all look at me, “What are you all looking at?” I shout, causing everyone to continue talking and eating, word must of spread about mine and Harry’s break up.

I sit at an empty table and eat my lunch.

“Y/n!” I look up to see Jane running towards me. “You’ve got to come with me now!” She drags me out my chair. “What? What’s going on?” She doesn’t answer me but continues run. “Jane stop!” I pull my arm back halting her in her tracks. “Tell me now!” “It’s Harry, he’s gone crazy, he’s challenged Chad to a fight, loser having to go to the Isle.” Following her out to the field, I see everyone gathered around Chad and Harry, I push through everyone until I’m stood in between them, “Have you gone mad?”I yell at Harry, he looks surprised to see me, I’m surprised to see him too, I haven’t seen him in a month. “Maybe.” “This stops now.” I say pushing Chad away and dragging Harry by the arm. “You’re insane. Loser has to go to the isle? Harry, Chad would of beat you easily.” “That’s the point.” We sit away from everyone on the bleachers. “You want to go back to the isle?”

“Yeah, I mean I’ve no purpose here now.” “What do you mean? Of course you do?” “Not without you Y/n. I’ve had this hell this last month. I’ve not been myself. I’ve hated it.”

I'm so different when you're not there

“Me too.” I look up at him and grab his hands, he stares at me with those blues eyes that could melt anyone’s heart and make them fall to their knee’s.

I get weak and fall like a teenager

“I’m really sorry, I thought I needed space but I really don’t.” I smile slightly and look up at him.

“You mean so much to me.” He places a hand on my face and kisses me softly. “I’ve missed you.” I pull him in for a hug and hold him tight.

“Don’t leave me again.” He squeezes me tightly and lets go, resting his forehead on mine, “I won’t. Even if we are no good.” I giggle, making him laugh too. I kiss him again and turn in my seat, leaning into his chest, he sighs and puts his arm around my shoulders. “I love you.” “I love you too.” I reply. Let’s see how long this good phase lasts before we fall out again.

I go back to you, back to you, back to you everytime.

-

Hope you liked it. Working on request now will be up tomorrow or Wednesday.

[thearrangment-phff]

XLIV. Gaelle

August 2017

When Isabella had said she was going Switzerland to visit her brother and sister-in-law she wasn't lying. Though she was also in Switzerland for a different purpose.  Princess Christine had explained that Isabella's eggs had been fertilized and needed to be placed back in Isabella. There were more medical terms and of course a longer explanation that Isabella didn't care for. She only saw it as all she had to do was lay on her back and get pregnant.  

The procedure, or as Gaelle thought of it as "the holy act", was done in the early morning of a Wednesday. Isabella and Adelaide had gone in together in case there were photographs of the day, Isabella, and her ladies-in-waiting would use the excuse of going to see the doctor would be because of Adelaide. Though her sister-in-law wasn’t told of why Isabella was there. 

Isabella was told that she would have another niece within the week and found irony in Isabella's was about to get pregnant and Adelaide was about to have her second daughter.

The small group of women had gone back to Christoph and Adelaide flat in Switzerland by the afternoon. Adelaide and Christoph had a home in France and a small flat in Switzerland where they spent most of their time. Both places had been used equally but the flat was a one bedroom that was bought when Adelaide and Christoph first began their marriage. It reminded Isabella of her flat just a thirty minutes' walk from her brother's place. That place had been sold just hours after her marriage.

Princess Christine, Princess Charlotte, Countess Gaelle, and Countess Olympia had been told to leave Adelaide and Christoph's home to enjoy their time in Switzerland for the time being. All had objected knowing that Isabella wouldn't be in the right state of mind since the morning. Adelaide couldn't handle Isabella if she would happen to go into a depressive state, but she also knew Isabella would rather break down in front of one person than anything else.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," replied Isabella.

"You know you can tell me anything," smiled Adelaide.

There were a couple seconds of silence that worried Adelaide. She was tempted to call Isabella's mother Marie Astrid, "Can you tell me about the first time you realized you were pregnant?" Asked Isabella.

"With Katarina or this little one?"  

"Either."

"With Katarina, I had my suspicions for days but I went to the doctor's and got a blood test done, then everything was confirmed. Christoph and I had been trying for about a year and no child had come. Before I found out that I was pregnant I was sad so I tried to convince myself that it was a good thing. That somehow Christoph and I would be good with more time of just us two," smiled Adelaide.

"I don't know what terrifies me more, being a mother and having to give birth to a child," joked Isabella.

"Giving birth is a small fraction of the fear. You never stop being scared when you have someone to care for, though not everyone is in your position. Not everyone has the eyes of the world upon them, press to hound them, and the whispers of small people that form a louder judgment."

"Sometimes I think about his mother. They killed her and I'm afraid they'll kill one of us too. I don't want my children to face what he did, it nearly destroyed him on separate occasions. He confessed to me that he fears that I'm having an affair and I swore to him I am not. He fears history repeating itself. Marriage, children, cheating, divorce, and death as if it a curse on his family," confessed Isabella.

"Isabella, he has every right to be scared. He lived through all of this and he doesn't want his children to go through the same thing. He's probably twice as scared as you are and you have to understand where he comes from. Your life and his were vastly different and I fear you can't see that."

"Of course, I understand him."

"No, you don't Isabella. You've always been an overdramatic, selfish girl and I mean that with as much love and respect I could possibly give you at this time. You can't see past your own needs because you've never had to in regards to finding a lover. There's a reason you've never had a serious relationship and it's not because you and Joachim have always had something. It's because you are a selfish woman and Joachim was willing to work with your needs. You change your mind so quickly that you never think about the consequences of the people you hurt in the process," stated Adelaide.

"I think it's time for me to leave. I fear I have overstayed my welcome and don’t want to intrude," smiled Isabella as she began to gather her things, "I'll send Olympia for my other things later on. If you will excuse me I have somewhere else to be."

Her ladies-in-waiting were around the city but rather than call all of them back she only called one. She had asked Countess Gaelle to meet her at the Basilica of Our Lady of Geneva. It was the Catholic church that Isabella had gone to with her family and the main Catholic church in Geneva.

Isabella looked up stained glass windows remembering her mother tell her stories about when they were made, who made them, and what story they told. Isabella had felt someone come sit next to her but her eyes never left the glass windows.

The two women sat in silence for a couple of minutes before Isabella finally turned her head towards Gaelle, "Do you think I'm a bad person?"

"No. Of course not. Why do you ask?" Replied Gaelle.

"Do you think I would be a good mother?" Asked Isabella.

"I can't answer that, at least not truthfully. Being a mother is something you learn as the days go by and it's very hard to judge motherhood on a scale of good or bad," answered Gaelle.

"Did you ever think about being a mother? I know you chose to become a religious sister but do you ever think about it sometimes?"

"On some occasions, yes, but I chose God and to serve him. I decided my life but fate knew I would always give myself completely to him."

"I don't think I want this anymore," whispered Isabella.

"Want what Belle?"

"My marriage to Harry. We've only been married about 2 months but I'm not happy Gaelle. Sometimes I am but most of the time I feel this stabbing in my gut as if I will vomit all over the floor. There are simple moments when he looks at me and it's as if we are the only ones in the room. He's always so gentle with me, but I can't get rid of that disgusting feelings sometimes. It's magnified since those eggs were taken out of me and they're worse know that they are inside me again, knowing I may be pregnant. If I can't last these 2 months than how can I last 2 years or 2 decades? I know I agreed to this and I know I won't get a divorce because everyone won't want me to but I feel nothing but sadness," confessed Isabella in tears.

"You know I would never say be this unless it needed to be, but Belle get a divorce."

Isabella shook her head violently, "I know I can because it was my agreement but everyone would be angry. Princess Charlotte may yell at me until I'm dead, Countess Olympia may push me to marry her cousin, Princess Christine would give me a disappointed look that my mother use to give me, and you..." Isabella couldn't continue.

"And me what Belle?"

"With you, I feel as if you are God himself ready to past my judgment and send me to hell every time I look you in the eyes," whispered Isabella.

"Oh my sweet girl, you worry too much."

"You have no idea how our evenings praying means to me now."

"I know you don't believe in God, and you haven't for a while. But, if praying with me helps then I shall be at your service until you tire of me. That is what a lady-in-waiting does and that's why I was chosen to be by your side. You didn't need me in the beginning, you needed Charlotte and Christine, but now that you have sworn yourself to a man in front of the world and God himself, and you need me. I won’t disappoint you Belle."

"Well what if I disappoint you? Or everyone else?"

"You agreed to all of this, you haven't disappointed anyone. Besides, no one should tell you anything otherwise. You have sacrificed a lot, even if you don't know it, for those people."

"Those people are my family. Do you know who is doing all this? The marriages that is," asked Isabella.

"Countess Lydia Holstein til Ledreborg now, but it wasn't always her."

"Henri's mother? Please don't tell me Gabriella's marriage is like mine?" Begged Isabella.

"No, not that I know of, but your sister did have his child before they got married so they should tell you enough your sisters love for Henri," replied Countess Gaelle.

"Who was the first?"

"Your ancestor Princess Adelaide of Löwenstein-Wertheim-Rosenberg had the idea, of course, every royal two hundred years ago married into other royal families. Then your great-great-grandmother Infanta Maria Antonia of Portugal continued that with all her Bourbon-Parma children. After her Archduchess Maria Anna took over but in her death, her line died with her. So Madeleine de Bourbon-Busset took the position but it was disputed because Infanta Alicia, Duchess of Calabria was Archduchess Maria Anna's daughter and many thought she should continue to work. In the end, the position should have gone to Princess Irene of the Netherlands but she divorced the Duke of Parma before Madeleine's death," explained Gaelle.

"Prince Carlos married a commoner," interrupted Isabella.

"Yes, so they searched the family tree to go through your great-grandfather Prince Felix's line. Why Countess Lydia was chosen I have no idea considering her mother is alive and well. I don't know much beyond that Belle so I couldn't answer more questions if you had them."

"Thank you... thank you for everything," smiled Isabella.

[morganaspendragonss]

holly, for sad angst prompts: “ do you know how hard it was to let you go? ”

tarlos, maybe one of them has to rush into danger? >.>

crack and crumble, it's all too much

so...not exactly what you asked for. i hope you like it anyway my love 💚

@911lonestarangstweek day 3 - j is for...jump

thanks to @noxsoulmate for the beta

title from humpty by mitski

ao3 | 2k | suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, depression, canon divergence, hurt tk, worried carlos, hopeful ending

TK used to be afraid of heights.

No, not heights.

Falling.

As a kid, he was terrified of falling, even if it was only off the playground equipment in the local park. He’d have no problem climbing up; the issue came when he got to the top, when he would freeze up as he stared down the two metre drop to the sawdust ground. The other kids would get annoyed, pushing at him until he almost, almost, fell—but then, at the last second, when TK was tilting on the edge, his dad would be there to catch him, lifting him up before he ever had a chance to fall.

His dad was always there, never failing to scoop him up in his arms, never failing to save him.

Until he did.

And, oh, how TK fell.

He learned to love the rush of it, that swooping sensation in his stomach as he took just enough pills to push him off the edge into oblivion. It was...beautiful.

TK didn’t know what he was ever afraid of.

And then, he fell too far. And he learned.

Heights haven’t bothered him for years now—no more than the healthy amount, anyway. He’s even managed to find some kind of pleasure in them, in the feeling of his feet leaving solid ground, always with the knowledge that he’ll touch down safely soon enough.

The team call him crazy for enjoying it, but TK has so little happiness in life these days. He’ll take whatever he can get, artificial and temporary though it may be.

He wishes he was feeling something now. He’d give anything to not be feeling the overwhelming empty that’s slowly been consuming him for months—even fear would do at this point.

But he’s staring down a drop that will kill him if he lets it, and he feels nothing.

Idly, he wonders what brought him here. Nothing had happened tonight—or, nothing out of the ordinary—but, somehow, he’d known. Known that it was time; that tonight was the night.

That, if he didn’t do it now, he never would, and he can’t just keep existing like this.

So.

A rooftop. An unknown fall. And a choice.

Fight or flight; stay or go. Legs swinging over the ledge, TK’s hands tighten on the edge of the roof, and he doesn’t know if it’s to push himself over or hold himself back.

(and, does it even count as jumping if he just...lets it happen? if he just leans a little too far forward and lets gravity do the rest? tk thinks it probably shouldn’t, but that’s what they'll call it anyway when they find his broken body splayed on the concrete below.

he jumped, they’ll say, which is wrong because that implies that tk was an active participant in all of this. really, he’s just too tired to try anymore, and if his body is going to slip off the edge of a building, then who’s tk to stop it?

but it’s semantics, nothing more. it’s not like he’s going to be around to correct them anyway, and maybe it’s better for them to think he chose this. that he wanted this, instead of just not wanting to exist. maybe)

Either way, he’s a coward. The only difference is that, if he jumps, he’ll be a dead one and everyone will know it; if he stays, he’ll be a living one, and holding the shame of it all inside him.

He already knows which idea he prefers.

TK has lived with his own cowardice for too long already—ever since he got shot, it’s been festering in him, growing and twisting with each passing day.

It’s jumping every time a car backfires or a damn plate shatters.

It’s telling Carlos that, if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll never contact TK again.

It’s putting on his firefighter’s uniform day after day after day, despite how ill it now seems to fit.

TK hasn’t been brave a day in his life, and he knows that it’s time to put an end to it.

His hands, still resting on the edge of the roof, press into the brick a little harder, and his body inches forward. He’s barely holding on now; shifting so his grip, latched onto the roof side of the ledge, is the only thing keeping him up here.

And— There it is.

The swooping in his gut that used to scare him, and now thrills him.

TK closes his eyes, taking a moment to bask in it. After all, it’s going to be the last thing he ever feels.

Except he takes too long.

Suddenly, the ground beneath him is lit up with flashing blue and red, and when TK opens his eyes, he can just about make out the numbers 126 on the responding fire engine. It makes him recoil, sliding back to relative safety on the ledge as panic flares up in his chest.

Nonononononononononono—

It’s not supposed to be like this.

They’re not—fuck.

And TK really must be a coward, because the knowledge that his family is waiting at the bottom for him to come down—whether that’s by the fast way or the slow one—brings all his forgotten fears roaring back.

Do they even know? Do they know it’s him who’s sitting on the edge of life and death? TK can’t figure out which one would be worse—not knowing and finding out when his body breaks in front of them, or knowing and watching him fall anyway.

Working it out is a lost cause, he figures. Maybe they’re equally as bad, but he shouldn’t care. He can’t, if he’s going to do this, and he was so sure that he was, but that was before the 126 showed up, before—

“TK?”

The universe must have it out for him, because TK knows that voice. He doesn’t turn, just sighs and slumps dejectedly, wearily replying, “Hey Carlos.”

“Hey,” Carlos says after a beat, voice quiet like he’s talking to a spooked animal. There’s a scared waver to it that betrays his mask of professionalism, and TK almost can’t handle the guilt it brings. “We’re pretty high up, huh?”

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Act all nice and innocent. You know why I’m here.”

“Actually, I don’t.” There’s no hint of accusation in Carlos’s voice, but he has dropped the soothing tone, which is something. “Maybe you could fill me in? I promise I won’t say anything—I’m just here to listen.”

TK knows what this is, too. It’s not that he’s been here before, exactly, but he’s been in similar enough positions to recognise the talk for what it is. But… The thing is, he kind of doesn’t care. He wants to talk; for some reason, he wants to tell Carlos everything that’s been piling up and up for months, and has now led him to this roof.

“I’m not moving,” he says first, in case Carlos gets any ideas about what this means.

“That’s okay.”

It’s not, but TK doesn’t bother calling him out. He drums his fingers on the ledge, staring vacantly at the drop, keeping his silence for a few minutes. It surprises him when Carlos keeps his promise, and the quiet is almost peaceful now.

“Remember I told you about my relapse? It was—It wasn’t just a relapse. I overdosed after I proposed to my boyfriend and instead found out that he was cheating on me,” he says eventually. “I should have died that night, but my dad saved me and made me move down here with him. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t fight him; I was too tired to care. It was like I told you—everything was grey and I just… I guess it never got better.

“I mean, there were moments, sure. But then I got shot and everything just fell off the rails for me. I’ve been going through the motions for months now and it’s not getting better and I’m sick of trying. It’ll be better for everyone if I’m gone, including you and including me.”

“Why’s that?” Carlos asks, the question almost startling TK.

“For me?” he starts, huffing a breathy laugh. “I don’t want to be here anymore. I barely want to get out of bed, so this is a definite improvement. My dad won’t have to keep cleaning up my messes, the team won’t have to deal with—with me. Everyone will be better off.”

“What about me?”

TK stiffens, almost turning this time. “What are you talking about?”

“I won’t be better off without you,” Carlos says, ignoring TK’s answering scoff. “I’m serious. I… After the solar storm, do you know how hard it was to let you go? It killed me, but I did it because I thought that was what you needed.

“I don’t know if you thought you needed it too, or if it was just you trying to push me away, but that doesn’t matter now, alright? There are people who love you, TK, and we all just want to help you.” He pauses and TK hears him sigh shakily. “Letting you go was damn near impossible for me the first time, but none of us want to try doing it for good. You’re wrong about us, okay? You dad, the team...me—we won’t be better off without you.”

TK squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head as tears spring up in his eyes. Guilt twists uncomfortably in his gut and his head is a mess, his mind at war to work out what he wants.

“You’ve probably seen that the 126 are here,” Carlos continues. “Your dad and a couple of the team are waiting on the stairs to get you down, and if you come back with us, we’ll do whatever it takes to get you help, in whatever way you need. Please, TK. Come down.”

TK shudders, squeezing the roof again as his body wracks with sobs. He feels sick when he considers the drop, considers the fall, and it’s like his fear, newly revived, is now anchoring him to the roof. He knows what will happen if he lets himself fall, and he doesn’t want to die like this.

Not now. Not yet.

Slowly, he nods, and Carlos must understand as TK hears him talk quietly into his radio. The next few minutes are a blur, tears slipping freely down his cheeks as more people—his family—join him and Carlos on the roof.

“TK,” his dad’s voice says, steady despite everything, “I’m going to come to you now with the rescue harness, alright? Don’t worry, it’s just me, I swear.”

He hears one set of feet slowly come across towards him, and then feels the presence of a body at his back as his dad kneels behind and to the side of him.

“Hang in there,” he says softly. “I’m just going to slip the rescue harness around you.”

A wave of nausea washes over TK at the thought of being touched, and he shakes his head. “No, please, don’t.”

“I have to, TK,” his dad says. “I’ll be careful and it’ll just be for a second, then you’ll be safe. I’ve got you, son.”

TK swallows once, twice. He learned a long time ago not to trust those words, especially not when they came from his dad, but this time—this time—he wants so badly to believe. He takes a few deep breaths, then nods, squeezing his eyes shut as the harness is secured around his body.

“Good, that’s good. Now we’re just gonna scooch back a little ways and we’ll be home free.”

TK closes his eyes as they inch their way further onto solid ground, keeping going until they must be at least five feet from the edge and his dad pulls him into a crushing hug.

“We’ve got you, kid,” he’s whispering in TK’s ear. “We’ve got you.”

TK blinks through blurred vision, gaze going from his dad’s worried face, to Paul and Marjan standing a few feet away, and then to Carlos, a small, sad smile on his lips as he looks down at him.

And, just this once, TK decides to believe.

[warofshadowstheorder]

Chapter 22

Tadeas, with Bledsoe on his arm, walked out into the warm night air.  The only light around the Monastery were a few torches, leaving most of the area in complete darkness, but Tadeas was very adept at navigating the grounds he had walked since his early childhood.

Bledsoe was still trying to process all she’d learned in the last few hours.  If Tadeas hadn’t been guiding her she could only have been able to stand still somewhere deep in thought.  The only sensation she was registering was the warm night air that brushed past her face.

A small part of her world had shattered when she first realized that Andrews was involved in the assassination of Senator Saunders.  Now, after all she’d been told, it seemed that reality itself was crumbling before her despite her feeble efforts to hold it together.

History itself, all that she thought she knew, was unraveling.  Inwardly Bledsoe wondered how much of her perception of reality and understanding of history was true, or just a watered-down version of it designed to keep her and the others outside the Monastery in a state of blissful ignorance.

“You don’t say much do you?” Tadeas asked in a calm and charming voice.

“Huh, what?”  Bledsoe babbled out in surprise as the alluring voice of the man escorting her broke her out of her contemplation.

“I mean,” Tadeas said maintaining his same tone, “after all that you’ve been through, I was preparing myself for a Barbara Walters style grilling.”

Bledsoe could only look on in surprise at Tadeas’s comment.  She hadn’t even noticed any electricity in the Monastery, much less a TV.  Her initial impression of the Monastery and the Order in general was that they were completely separated from the outside world and were only focused on their mission.

“What?” Tadeas asked noticing the surprise in the look that the young woman next to him gave.  “I’ve seen 20/20.”

“How,” Bledsoe asked surprised, “I haven’t seen a TV around here anywhere.”

“Yeah,” Tadeas remarked, “when we’re at the Monastery the Apostle says we need to be focused on the mission.  But after we complete an assignment, we usually get a couple of weeks off to relax.”

“I see,” Bledsoe said as she took the opportunity to look over her handsome escort, “and what do you do during those two weeks.”

“We can’t drink alcohol, smoke, take drugs, view pornography, or have extramarital sex,” Tadeas said casually, “but apart from that just about anything goes.  We can go anywhere in the world we want through the Cauldrons, and we need to check in with a Watcher.  But apart from that we’re on our own.  I just got back from Monte Carlo myself.”

“So,” Bledsoe asked newly intrigued, “after every mission you get two weeks to go anywhere you want.  I have to say, I’m jealous.”

“I don’t blame you,” Tadeas answered, “it’s definitely something that most of us take advantage of.”

“Most of you?” Bledsoe asked surprised, “Why wouldn’t any of you take advantage of that?”

“You should ask Olcán,” Tadeas answered almost disgustedly, “he hasn’t taken a holiday in years.”

“Why not,” Bledsoe asked slightly afraid of the answer.

“I don’t know,” Tadeas said, “I’ve known him pretty much all my life, but he’s never told me why he won’t leave the Monastery unless it’s on a mission.”

“Does he still get holiday time?” Bledsoe asked.

“Of course,” Tadeas replied as though the answer was obvious, “but he only ever takes a week before he tells the Apostle that he’s ready for a mission.  And he always spends that week around the Monastery, training himself or Declan.”

“Who’s Declan?” Bledsoe asked without missing a beat.

“Declan,” Tadeas answered, “is a new recruit getting ready for his initiation into Knighthood.”

Tadeas glanced over at Bledsoe and could tell that she had no idea what he was talking about.

“Sorry,” Tadeas said apologetically while still maintaining his charm, “we don’t get many outsiders in here.  Permit me to elaborate.  When someone wants to become a Knight, they first have to go through two-and-a-half years of intensive training.  After that, they’re assigned to an experienced Knight who becomes their final teacher.”

“The student will have a period of intense extensive personal instruction before their teacher decides that they’re ready to become a Knight.  At that time the student makes their weapon and presents it to the Apostle and a group of Shepherds before receiving the brand and becoming a Knight.”

“Did you say brand?” Bledsoe asked surprised as she and Tadeas continued to move toward the dormitories.

“Oh yeah,” Tadeas answered and, looking around, found a bench near the dormitories by a lit torch.  He gently guided Bledsoe to the bench and the two of them sat down.

“Listen,” Tadeas said softly as he smoothly put an arm around Bledsoe, “when a student is presented before the Apostle and a small group of Shepherds, he’s commanded to present his weapon.  The last stage of training for Knighthood is to design, build, and present a weapon of your own.  When that’s met with approval, the teacher is asked which symbol the student has chosen for their medallion.  It’s usually the symbol of the faith of their ancestors and has been made beforehand.  After they’re given the medallion of their choice, the symbol of the Order is branded onto their chest.”

As he finished, Tadeas brought his arms up and pulled down the collar of the t-shirt he was wearing to show Bledsoe the small circle with an encompassing streak between its borders accompanied by beams emanating from it to keep a larger encompassing circle away, branded onto the left side of his chest.  Bledsoe gasped at the sight and backed away slightly, knowing that it had been branded there.  Tadeas’s shirt was down low enough that she could also see the medallion with a Taijitu symbol on top of a solid circle with a thin raised scarlet circle along the edge of the serrated border of Tadeas’s neck decoration.

“Why is there that streak in the middle?” she asked gesturing to the brand, her curiosity prevailing over her disgust.

“At the end of the rod used for the brand,” Tadeas answered, “there’s a rise.  The rise penetrates under the skin and makes a different kind of mark than the rest of the brand.  It symbolizes inner commitment to the cause.”

“That’s a Chinese symbol,” Bledsoe said gesturing to Tadeas’s medallion as he brought his collar back up, “you don’t look Chinese.”

“I’m an orphan,” Tadeas remarked, “a Watcher who worked at my Orphanage in Prague brought me here when I was four.  I chose this symbol for my medallion because I admire Eastern Religions and their teachings on finding balance.”

“I have to say,” Bledsoe remarked as she unconsciously leaned against Tadeas, enjoying the feel of his firm muscular body, “you’re not like I imagined you’d be.”

“Oh yeah,” Tadeas asked smoothly, “how did you think I’d be?”

“I don’t know,” Bledsoe said trying to word her thoughts, “it’s just that after what happened to me, and what I’ve seen and heard today.  I imagined that all of you would be more…more…”

“Like some kind of paramilitary religious nuts?” Tadeas interjected.  “Like leftovers from the Branch Davidians, but with much better training?”

“Well,” Bledsoe started again surprised by Tadeas’s knowledge of the outside world, “yeah I guess.  But just in talking with you I can tell that you’re not like that.”

“I appreciate the compliment,” Tadeas answered coolly, “but some of the guys here are a little more like what you’d think.  We get all types in here.  All kinds of religions, races, and personality types are rampant.  We’re like your ‘Melting Pot’ on steroids.”

“Wait a minute,” Bledsoe remarked surprised, “what makes you think I’m an American?”

“Your accent,” Tadeas said, “we’re trained to speak the language of whatever place we go on missions.  Not just the language, but also to speak as the natives.  It helps us blend in.  All of us are qualified to work in the United States, so the American accent is one all of us can spot immediately.”

Bledsoe could only smile in response as she looked into Tadeas’s eyes.  Tadeas couldn’t help but stare back at Bledsoe and give a smile of his own.  The two of them held their stare until a yawn escaped Tadeas’s mouth.

“You must have had quite a time in Monte Carlo,” Bledsoe commented.

“You have no idea,” Tadeas answered, “I always make the most of my holiday time.  We’re right by the Gifted Ones’ dormitory.”

Tadeas then rose and extended his hand to Bledsoe.  She gladly took it and stood on her feet.  Tadeas escorted her the rest of the way to the dormitory and opened the door for her.  Bledsoe began to enter the room, but turned around to face Tadeas one more time.

“Natasha should be in soon,” Tadeas said with a smile as he flipped on a light switch, illuminating the room and bringing a look of surprise to Bledsoe’s face.

“What?” Tadeas asked with a smile on his face, “You didn’t think we had electricity here?  Just because this place was built during the Renaissance doesn’t mean we live in that time.”

“It’s just,” Bledsoe began, “if you have electricity here then why is it so dark outside?”

“The Apostle,” Tadeas answered, “encourages us to not be too reliant on technology.  Particularly the most basic kinds that often get taken for granted.”

Tadeas and Bledsoe paused and shared yet another stare, both of them taking in all they could about the other.

“Might I just say,” Tadeas said breaking the silence, “that if you’d like, I’d be more than happy to take you to the tournament tomorrow night.”

“I would like that,” Bledsoe said leaning into the doorframe after Tadeas moved into the hall and doing her best to be flirtatious.

“Great,” Tadeas answered slyly, “it’s a date then.  I’ll be here at 7.  See you then Miss Bledsoe.”

“Oh please,” Bledsoe answered quickly, “call me Alexis.”

“Whatever you say,” Tadeas continued in his irresistibly charming voice as he extended his hand, which Bledsoe took and blushed as Tadeas kissed it, “Alexis.”

Tadeas and Bledsoe shared one last stare before Tadeas gave a small nod and turned away to walk back into the darkness.  Bledsoe could only sigh and sink into a nearby chair.

[fatgirlsguidetodating]

Blog: Love behind bars; online dating for prisoners.

Maybe I’m old fashioned. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m old. Maybe I’m boring. But I truly don’t get the desire to pick a criminal’s profile to correspond with on a dating site. But it happens. Regularly enough for there to be a few sites catering to this need. One of my tweets even had a response from one of those sites offering free subscription or something. I didn’t take them up on the offer. Hell if I struggle to find a normal decent guy on the dating apps and sites I’m currently using why would I then look for love in prisons?

Take the example of Canadian killer Dustin Hales. He killed his wife while the lady both he and his wife had been having a relationship with watched. He was found guilty and given a life sentence with 17 years non parole. Now he’s on one of the dating sites for women on the outside to write to men inside called “Canadian Inmates Connect.” The majority of men on the site are openly looking for love or- at least- conjugal visits.

When asked why she set the site up founder Melissa Fazzina said she thought it could help promote rehabilitation by allowing the inmates the chance to forge and nurture positive connections in the outside world. Those working in the field cautiously agree.

“Almost anything that can create a sense of community and belonging upon release, or even while you’re in there, increases the possibility of a safe reintegration—because often these guys are coming out with nothing and nobody.”

Catherine Latimer, the executive director of the John Howard Society of Canada, a non-profit organization that works with offenders and promotes just and humane responses to crime, echoes this sentiment: “They’re in prison as punishment, not for punishment. They have a right to communicate with people. They have a right to have family and friends on the outside,” she says. (1)

It should also pointed out that even without the websites this sort of thing happens and has done for a long time. Consider Charles Manson, for example, who almost married his long time pen pal/fiancee. In England notorious inmate Charles Bronson, serving a life sentence, married a lady who wrote to him. Serial killer Richard Ramirez, the so-called Night Stalker, who murdered and dismembered 13 people in the 1980s, had no trouble finding a bride. Doreen Lioy started writing to Ramirez after falling for his picture in the paper. They were married in 1996 in the prison waiting room. Ted Bundy, a rapist-murderer who was suspected of murdering 35 young women, attracted gangs of admiring groupies who sat patiently through his court cases. Even John Wayne Gacy - not the most eligible man, with a history of drugging, raping and murdering 30 young men in Chicago - ended up marrying a woman he met while awaiting the death penalty. Even Josef Fritzl, who imprisoned his daughter in a purpose built cellar as his sex slave for 24 years, received hundreds of letters.

The cliche of the prison bride as trailed trash with peroxide dyed hair and a cigarette hanging out her mouth with a vocabulary that consists mainly of swear words is actually misguided. Research has shown these women all come from different backgrounds, different socioeconomic classes, different professions, different levels of education. Some were married, some weren’t. Some had kids, some didn’t. Carlos the Jackal become engaged to his lawyer last year. The famous Glasgow hard man Jimmy Boyle married a psychiatrist he met in prison. But it does make us ask why?

From the research I’ve done quite often serial killers or those who have committed a crime- or crimes plural- are often inundated with “fan mail”. And often the letters are super sexually explicit, contain naked photos, and proposals of marriage. From what I can gather all too often the women want to try and understand the man behind the monster, perhaps even to help them find redemption. What makes someone do this? Are they lonely and in search of emotional dependence from a captive audience? Or manipulative sociopaths living vicariously through ‘celebrity’ prisoners? Are they turned on by the fame that these ‘celebrity’ prisoners gain? Do they have their own issues- psychological or otherwise- that makes these men attractive to them? Englishman Alex Cavendish, former inmate and currently a social anthropologist, cites a few reasons.

Major factors to consider are dependency and control. “Dependence works both ways - financial for many prisoners, particularly those who don’t have family ties, as well as emotional.” He explains. In describing the type of women who write to prisoners he says, "I’ll be honest and say that a fair few of the female correspondents are lonely women who often have body-image concerns (many of those whose photos I’ve seen tend to be overweight.) They feel perhaps that a prisoner is likely to be less judgmental and more appreciative of any support - emotional and/or financial.” Of course it’s not all about love. Many women (and men) choose to reach out simply to provide friendship and compassion to those behind bars. Their actions provide a much welcome lifeline, a window to the outside world. (2)

A book called "Women who love men who kill” author Sheila Isenberg examines the idea of prison lovers and it seems that my feelings of why are common. Family and friends, even strangers, genuinely are bewildered at why women would put themselves in such a complex situation. (2)

She also explains that most often these women are damaged- they’ve been hurt in the past; they’ve been sexually abused, psychologically, emotionally abused. So a relationship with a man in prison leaves the woman in control. He’s locked away, he can’t hurt you, you decide when to visit him, you even decide whether or not to accept his collect phone calls. So they feel safer. (3)

Issenberg cites an example of a British woman who has been engaged to several death-row inmates in the USA, all of whom have since been executed. Yet she, and many of these women, claim they didn’t specifically chose the course for themselves. Karen Richey’s partner, for instance, is on death row in Ohio. Karen says that she wasn’t looking for a love affair when she made contact with Kenny, a 38-year-old Scot: “My war cry is that I only wanted to be a pen pal. Kenny insists this is going to be on my grave stone.” (4)

There is a condition known as hybristophilia (often referred to as “Bonnie and Clyde syndrome) which Wikipedia defines as "a paraphilia in which sexual arousal, facilitation and attainment of sexual orgasm are responsive to and contingent upon being with a partner known to have committed an outrage, cheating, lying, known infidelities or crime, such as rape, murder, or armed robbery. ” Don’t get me wrong- we all have had the bad boy phase at some point in our lives but I think this is taking it a bit too far.

The thing is though that the fantasy of these types of romances rarely matches the reality. For starters physical contact us obviously limited thus they often never progress past the courting stage. The men spend their days exercising or working in their prison jobs and in the evening writing letters to the women or trying to phone them. They are more compliant and attentive than they would be on the outside because the women send money, pay for their legal representation and afford them the tremendous parole advantage of a permanent address as well as the fact there are little female distractions whilst locked up.

Clinical Psychologist Dr Stuart Fischoff likens it thus; “The love object is almost irrelevant at this point. [The prisoner] is a dream lover, a phantom limb.” (2) Prison relationships therefore seem to retain the intoxicating elements of the “honeymoon period” of all relationships, where that first endorphin-flush of love always involves a degree of transference; whereby we all see our partners as we hope them to be, imagining that the love object embodies the qualities we crave. The excuses the women give for their partner’s alleged crimes operate as in all other relationships. They do what we all sometimes do when faced with negative information about loved ones: they refuse to believe it. They aren’t having to ask the men to pick up their dirty socks or put the toilet seat down.

When it comes to how these women dealt with the knowledge they were in love with someone who’d committed a terrible crime found ways to rationalise it or mitigate the crime and excuse it. For example: he didn’t really mean to be that murderer. In the course of interviewing women for her book Issenberg cited one woman who said, 'He was awkward and when the door hit him in the arm, the gun went off.’ And another one who said, 'His friends were all drinking and doing drugs and he got carried away and he didn’t mean to do it.’ (3)

So how do these dating sites for men behind bars work? Well they are like dating profiles on conventional dating sites. There’s a photograph, a short bio, hobbies and interests. The only difference in this part is the details of their incarceration. Again like conventional sites women pick the guy they like the look and sound of and start writing to them, building a rapport and hopefully a romantic relationship.

“Love a Prisoner” claims to have a “75% compatibility rating for those looking for their soul mate” – including inmates on death row. “Our mission is to give inmates a sense of hopefulness by connecting them to people on the ‘outside world’,” the website states. (5)

The forums on "Write a prisoner” give insight into what the women are looking for. They include things such as chatty prisoners, ones who don’t ask for money, and ones who haven’t committed sex crimes. The women have also slammed claims they are “groupies” of men who have committed vile acts. (5)

“Meet-an-Inmate” claims to be ranked #1 among prison pen pal websites and has been helping inmates connect with the outside world since 1988. They claim it’s a free, easy way to brighten up an inmates day but stress they are NOT a dating service. (6) However despite this romantic feelings can- and do- develop. There have been quite a few marriages from the site over the years. The founder, Arlen Bischke, explained that many prisoners get cut off from their family and friends so correspondence can really brighten their day. (7)

Christian Science Monitor reported that the online prisoner dating industry has grown from humble beginnings. Leading sites now boast “between 7,000 and 10,000 ads” and ABC News claim there are over a dozen major prisoner dating sites now. (7)

In conclusion I must admit to a certain fascination with true crime. I’ve got two shelves on my bookshelf dedicated to the genre after having discovered it during my undergrad legal degree and then my postgrad in criminology, as well as my time working in prosecution and the courts for the government. Shows about true crimes fascinate me. I devoured “making a murderer” (and read Jereme Butings book about that and the illusion of justice for indigent defendants which is pretty much the same in Australia these days given legal aid cuts mean cases are means tested and if they don’t think there’s a chance of winning they won’t take it purely because of lack of resources) and am loving “murder uncovered.” I’ve read a heap of books on Ivan Milat, Julian Knight, Bradley Murdoch and the infamous “underbelly” underworld crime spree. But would I then think to myself okay I’m going to write to these guilty criminals and maybe start some kind of friendship that could perhaps grow into a relationship? Hell no I don’t. (NB: I don’t believe that Steve Avery of MAM fame was guilty but that’s beside the point here.) I have no desire to want to correspond with killers, with men who will likely die in prison, let alone try and fall in love with them! Not only would it be an unequal and strange relationship but there would be no point. Plus the little fact that I don’t get turned on by men who could kill another human being with scant regard, or no regard, for the sanctity of life and the pain and suffering it would consequently create. And though I’ve really tried to understand the women who do this while researching and writing this blog post, and whilst I even partly understand some of the reasoning in bits, I just don’t get it. Love behind bars is just not for me.

Fatgirl.

Sources:

(1) https://www.vice.com/en_au/article/inside-the-matchmaking-service-for-murderers-rapists-and-violent-offenders

(2) https://www.google.com.au/amp/www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/dating-a-prisoner-what-attracts-people-on-the-outside-to-fall-in-love-with-convicted-criminals-10326587.html%3Famp

(3) https://www.google.com.au/amp/attn-google-amp.herokuapp.com/stories/6268/why-women-fall-in-love-prison-inmates

(4) https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2003/jan/13/gender.uk

(5) https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.thesun.co.uk/living/2907384/women-who-send-love-letters-to-prisoners-reveal-what-they-look-for-in-a-jailbird-pen-pal/amp/

(6) http://www.meet-an-inmate.com/

(7) http://thegrio.com/2011/12/20/online-sites-for-dating-men-in-prison-1/

Other sources:

https://www.google.com.au/amp/jezebel.com/5755106/women-who-marry-prisoners-arent-just-crazy-ladies/amp

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10665003/Murderous-love-Why-are-so-many-women-aroused-by-serial-killers.html

http://m.topix.com/forum/city/cape-girardeau-mo/TPEUTFH8HOOU5H9AF

Sites to meet prisoners (if you’re brave enough….)

http://www.conjugalharmony.com/

http://loveaprisoner.com/

https://www.prisondatingsite.com/

http://www.femaleprisonpals.com/

http://www.writeaprisoner.com/

http://www.prisonpenpals.net/

[fuckyeahcarlosandlidia]

Lidia’s characterization.  Lidia’s POV.  What Makes Her Happy And What She Needs To Be Happy.

So, since I made a post about Carlos, I feel like doing it for Lidia’s too, because they did dirty to her, too, this season.  In the first part of it, she acted so unfairly towards Carlos, but even towards Eva. You just can’t spend every night at the hospital, watching a man in a coma and hoping he wakes up, when you have a family to take care. A daughter who needs to be with you, not just a “husband”. A daughter you spent an entire season to find back.  You just can’t. It’s not humanly possible. She didn’t sleep well and not enough, and you could see that it started making her hysterical, fickle, obsessed with the idea that Francisco had to wake up. They purposely wrote her ambiguous in order to play with the triangle and to make Carlos as insecure as ever. When in the previous seasons, you have a woman that talks and opens up about her feelings. Instead, they made her a typical woman in a center of a triangle, where you need to analyze every single look and facial expression to understand her pov.

You just can’t stay silent when your man shows his vulnerable side and asks you if you’re in love with another because he saw something that deeply hurt him, you just can’t. You need to say something, and she was actually mad because Carlos was acting out of jealousy, but seriously, Lidia, what did you expect? Think about your actions, apologize to him for what he heard, think about how he must have felt, seriously! Say something, don’t put it against him, making him feel even worse. And Carlos was even too wonderful, because the next day he calls the doctor to help Francisco, so once again he does something to make her happy.  So that’s something I really didn’t like. Not just because for the ship, but for the character as well. The important thing she said, though, is that they’re responsible for what happened to Francisco. Which is the key thing.  And I’ll be back to that.

Said that, Lidia’s universe doesn’t revolve around Francisco’s conditions, as Blanca said in an interview as well. Lidia has her friends, Lidia has wishes about her professional life and Lidia clearly enjoys her personal life with Carlos and Eva. She talks to Carlos about her desire to go back to work, she confronts him about her opinions at work, and she wants him by her side when it comes to Francisco’s problem, too. But she didn’t show it the way he needed to. And that’s the part where she broke his heart, because it was like no matter what he did, it seemed never enough. She didn’t realize soon enough that what she was doing was wrong. You can’t feel responsible this much. You can’t feel guilty about feeling happy with your family because the person that helped you having it back ended up in a coma. Francisco knew what he was doing.

Lidia’s sense of guilty blinds her. And here’s when I’m going to connect with the main plot, the one about Sara and Carlota. Because there are parallels with Lidia’s situation with Carlos and Francisco, too. Sara feels responsible for what happened to Carlota, because if it wasn’t for her, Carlota wouldn’t be accused of anything, and that’s why she’d do anything to take her place. Lidia would do the same with Francisco, because she feels responsible for asking him help with Eva, when he has nothing to do with it. Also, she’s the mother of Eva, if there was someone who could take a bullet for the baby was her.  Just as much as Carlos would take gladly that bullet for Eva, to be in Francisco’s place.

The parallel that involves Carlos and Lidia is what Sara and Carlota’s situation makes Lidia realize about her life. By episode 5, you start seeing Lidia letting go, she’s exhausted, she can’t take it anymore. She’s been holding this bargain for too long and she just needs to rest, and she admits that Carlos has always been by her side and she hasn’t done the same. All she needs is to let go, all she needs is him, to be in his arms, to feel his love and to give hers to him. “I hope that’s not the last time Sara and Carlota see each other again.” This line here, not only makes Carlos completely paralyzed and unable to tell her the truth about Francisco, but it also shows later, when Sara gets condemned, that’s what helps Lidia to accept Carlos’ proposal. Life is one, life can change in a minute and tear us apart, and you need to hold on to what you know you have, to what you know you love, to what you know it’s real. Whether Francisco wakes up or not, she doesn’t want to waste time anymore, she wants to focus on her and Carlos, on her family. Because that’s what they deserve. Because they love each other, because they’re a family.  And she’s happy. That’s her happiness. That’s what she has always wanted. That’s how she wants her life to be.

What does makes everything complete? That Francisco is fine, too.  It’s what she wants  too, it’s what makes her completely free to live her own life, because now he can live his as well. He can be happy, too. The way she talks to him, the way she tells him she will help him with his memories, the way she tells him she’s not the girl he remembers anymore, that she’s Lidia, the way she shows him Eva… that’s Lidia being completely genuine towards him as the man she has always truly cared about a lot, a man she loves in a very innocent and sincere way, a man that’s her first great love as she once said, a part of her, of what she was, but she’s extremely committed to the person she is now, and to the person she wants to spend her life with, forever.

And that’s when Lidia’s world falls apart. When she finds out that Carlos lies to her, she just can’t believe it. She constantly denies it, it can’t be, it just can’t be.  And that’s when Lidia finally gives so many definitions of what Carlos represents to her: the father of her child, her best friend (meaning someone she can trust blindly, and I have to admit this made me really emotional because it means not even Francisco was that to her), the man she has always seen herself with, her partner in everything. And the way she says it is very important too. It hurts, it hurts so badly. He really broke her heart. She would never, NEVER, leave him, and now she feels hurt, disappointed, betrayed. And that’s how we are supposed to feel, too, because we need to remember we need to see all of this through Lidia’s eyes.

She’s the pov that matters, and so I truly believe we couldn’t feel differently. We have a woman that chose the life she wanted, she wanted to be with Carlos, she had her family with him, and that’s something she would never give up on. She also wanted Francisco to wake up, to feel well, to have the chance to live his own life. Exactly, as she wanted in season 1, when she accepted to marry Carlos, when she chose her happiness. She cared about Francisco’s happiness too, about his well-being, even though their paths were not the same. Lidia confirmed this in season 4, too. It required time but she did. And now she’s left with a life she didn’t want, she lost the man she never wanted to lose because he was the one she wanted by her side, and the family she fought for so much, and holds on to what she has now, which is Francisco. I don’t see her as the picture of happiness on that boat. That’s really not what she wanted. She ended up being Alba again because she’s with someone who remembers her like that. It’s something that happened to her. And the pain she feels is 10000 worse than when she lost Francisco when she was a kid.

He doesn’t even remember anything except them as kids on a train.  He misses pretty much all the story, he misses the fact that Lidia has always chosen Carlos over him, and this time as well she ends up there because things with Carlos didn’t go the way she wanted to. It’s exactly the same thing. I don’t know for how long they’ll be in America, I hope they’ll be back before 5 years, but they’ll probably go with a significant amount of time to make a situation kinda similar to when Lidia and Francisco found each other again after 10 years. So the questions are these: If Lidia starts something new with Francisco, in those 5 years – which is very likely to happen at some point – will it be strong enough to make her forget about Carlos and what they had? Will she keep loving Carlos no matter what, despite the pain, the heartbreak and the separation and her closeness to Francisco? Will Eva be a constant reminder of Carlos and what they had?

These are questions that I wonder and I think it’s completely normal to feel this way, because people need to remember that this is not ending of the show. It’s too soon to call ‘Endgame, folks’, because it wasn’t the last season. But we have season 5 and season 6 to watch.  Lidia and Francisco ran into the sunset now, not exactly together, but it could very well be a real ending, is not exactly so good because they kinda “burned” that ending for the series finale. They gave him Alba now, with 2 seasons to happen, and the chance to them to re-start their relationship where they left (they’re the kids on that train now) and see how it goes NOW. In a very convenient way because they’re like that now because Carlos broke her heart, or else, she would never leave him.  Sure, as I said, Lidia can even realize that with Francisco she’s a lot happier than how she was with Carlos, because it’s tradition that Blanca and Yon always “end up” together in everything they do together. But the truth is that Carlos and Lidia move the story, they face things, they deal with stuff, they make mistakes, they have the angst, they are the Life in this damn triangle. Ups and downs, and love and war, a real rollercoaster.  And Francisco is not like that, Francisco is a flat character, who’s there, who doesn’t move the action, he’s just there. This season he spends most of the time in a bed, in a coma, then he gets amnesia. He got a rehabilitation that’s an insult to people’s intelligence, but here’s it’s the writers’ fault, it’s not Francisco’s fault. But anyway, yes he helped at the end, as he always does, but the characterization… I really don’t see the same characterization Carlos gets, for example.  Good and bad stuff.

Anyway, the point is that it’s always gonna be Lidia’s pov the one that matters. This season they played with her a lot in order to re-build the triangle, in order to tear her and Carlos apart, and that was really sad because it’s a sacrifice of the main female character, who’s supposed to be the symbol of a strong woman. With her mistakes, her insecurities, of course, but not the fickle center between 2 men, mostly when her choice has always been clear, and THE SAME.  Even this season we got the same choice, for 4 seasons Lidia chose to be with Carlos, but of course this time she needed to change her path for what Carlos did. We just have to wait to see how they’ll play with the dynamics. Lidia and Carlos have a daughter together, they’ll always have  a connection through Eva, not just for what they’ve always meant to each other. And despite all the mistakes Lidia and Carlos have made through their love story, there’s always been a huge thing that never changed: they never WANTED to lose each other, and they’ve been constantly attacked by events, bad people, and even their flaws. It was never easy for them. Ever. And yes, they may not have been strong enough to stay together now, but it’s also possible that with time, with simply how life is, they will again. Sure, Lidia may play the same card she did with Francisco in season 1 and telling Carlos that too much time has passed, and that with Francisco she found the new start she needed, but wouldn’t it be a recycle of the same story, just with the 2 men switched? And anyway, the show has no problem at doing twists and turns, we see that, very well.