#onlineprisonerdating

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Blog: Love behind bars; online dating for prisoners.

Maybe I’m old fashioned. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m old. Maybe I’m boring. But I truly don’t get the desire to pick a criminal’s profile to correspond with on a dating site. But it happens. Regularly enough for there to be a few sites catering to this need. One of my tweets even had a response from one of those sites offering free subscription or something. I didn’t take them up on the offer. Hell if I struggle to find a normal decent guy on the dating apps and sites I’m currently using why would I then look for love in prisons?

Take the example of Canadian killer Dustin Hales. He killed his wife while the lady both he and his wife had been having a relationship with watched. He was found guilty and given a life sentence with 17 years non parole. Now he’s on one of the dating sites for women on the outside to write to men inside called “Canadian Inmates Connect.” The majority of men on the site are openly looking for love or- at least- conjugal visits.

When asked why she set the site up founder Melissa Fazzina said she thought it could help promote rehabilitation by allowing the inmates the chance to forge and nurture positive connections in the outside world. Those working in the field cautiously agree.

“Almost anything that can create a sense of community and belonging upon release, or even while you’re in there, increases the possibility of a safe reintegration—because often these guys are coming out with nothing and nobody.”

Catherine Latimer, the executive director of the John Howard Society of Canada, a non-profit organization that works with offenders and promotes just and humane responses to crime, echoes this sentiment: “They’re in prison as punishment, not for punishment. They have a right to communicate with people. They have a right to have family and friends on the outside,” she says. (1)

It should also pointed out that even without the websites this sort of thing happens and has done for a long time. Consider Charles Manson, for example, who almost married his long time pen pal/fiancee. In England notorious inmate Charles Bronson, serving a life sentence, married a lady who wrote to him. Serial killer Richard Ramirez, the so-called Night Stalker, who murdered and dismembered 13 people in the 1980s, had no trouble finding a bride. Doreen Lioy started writing to Ramirez after falling for his picture in the paper. They were married in 1996 in the prison waiting room. Ted Bundy, a rapist-murderer who was suspected of murdering 35 young women, attracted gangs of admiring groupies who sat patiently through his court cases. Even John Wayne Gacy - not the most eligible man, with a history of drugging, raping and murdering 30 young men in Chicago - ended up marrying a woman he met while awaiting the death penalty. Even Josef Fritzl, who imprisoned his daughter in a purpose built cellar as his sex slave for 24 years, received hundreds of letters.

The cliche of the prison bride as trailed trash with peroxide dyed hair and a cigarette hanging out her mouth with a vocabulary that consists mainly of swear words is actually misguided. Research has shown these women all come from different backgrounds, different socioeconomic classes, different professions, different levels of education. Some were married, some weren’t. Some had kids, some didn’t. Carlos the Jackal become engaged to his lawyer last year. The famous Glasgow hard man Jimmy Boyle married a psychiatrist he met in prison. But it does make us ask why?

From the research I’ve done quite often serial killers or those who have committed a crime- or crimes plural- are often inundated with “fan mail”. And often the letters are super sexually explicit, contain naked photos, and proposals of marriage. From what I can gather all too often the women want to try and understand the man behind the monster, perhaps even to help them find redemption. What makes someone do this? Are they lonely and in search of emotional dependence from a captive audience? Or manipulative sociopaths living vicariously through ‘celebrity’ prisoners? Are they turned on by the fame that these ‘celebrity’ prisoners gain? Do they have their own issues- psychological or otherwise- that makes these men attractive to them? Englishman Alex Cavendish, former inmate and currently a social anthropologist, cites a few reasons.

Major factors to consider are dependency and control. “Dependence works both ways - financial for many prisoners, particularly those who don’t have family ties, as well as emotional.” He explains. In describing the type of women who write to prisoners he says, "I’ll be honest and say that a fair few of the female correspondents are lonely women who often have body-image concerns (many of those whose photos I’ve seen tend to be overweight.) They feel perhaps that a prisoner is likely to be less judgmental and more appreciative of any support - emotional and/or financial.” Of course it’s not all about love. Many women (and men) choose to reach out simply to provide friendship and compassion to those behind bars. Their actions provide a much welcome lifeline, a window to the outside world. (2)

A book called "Women who love men who kill” author Sheila Isenberg examines the idea of prison lovers and it seems that my feelings of why are common. Family and friends, even strangers, genuinely are bewildered at why women would put themselves in such a complex situation. (2)

She also explains that most often these women are damaged- they’ve been hurt in the past; they’ve been sexually abused, psychologically, emotionally abused. So a relationship with a man in prison leaves the woman in control. He’s locked away, he can’t hurt you, you decide when to visit him, you even decide whether or not to accept his collect phone calls. So they feel safer. (3)

Issenberg cites an example of a British woman who has been engaged to several death-row inmates in the USA, all of whom have since been executed. Yet she, and many of these women, claim they didn’t specifically chose the course for themselves. Karen Richey’s partner, for instance, is on death row in Ohio. Karen says that she wasn’t looking for a love affair when she made contact with Kenny, a 38-year-old Scot: “My war cry is that I only wanted to be a pen pal. Kenny insists this is going to be on my grave stone.” (4)

There is a condition known as hybristophilia (often referred to as “Bonnie and Clyde syndrome) which Wikipedia defines as "a paraphilia in which sexual arousal, facilitation and attainment of sexual orgasm are responsive to and contingent upon being with a partner known to have committed an outrage, cheating, lying, known infidelities or crime, such as rape, murder, or armed robbery. ” Don’t get me wrong- we all have had the bad boy phase at some point in our lives but I think this is taking it a bit too far.

The thing is though that the fantasy of these types of romances rarely matches the reality. For starters physical contact us obviously limited thus they often never progress past the courting stage. The men spend their days exercising or working in their prison jobs and in the evening writing letters to the women or trying to phone them. They are more compliant and attentive than they would be on the outside because the women send money, pay for their legal representation and afford them the tremendous parole advantage of a permanent address as well as the fact there are little female distractions whilst locked up.

Clinical Psychologist Dr Stuart Fischoff likens it thus; “The love object is almost irrelevant at this point. [The prisoner] is a dream lover, a phantom limb.” (2) Prison relationships therefore seem to retain the intoxicating elements of the “honeymoon period” of all relationships, where that first endorphin-flush of love always involves a degree of transference; whereby we all see our partners as we hope them to be, imagining that the love object embodies the qualities we crave. The excuses the women give for their partner’s alleged crimes operate as in all other relationships. They do what we all sometimes do when faced with negative information about loved ones: they refuse to believe it. They aren’t having to ask the men to pick up their dirty socks or put the toilet seat down.

When it comes to how these women dealt with the knowledge they were in love with someone who’d committed a terrible crime found ways to rationalise it or mitigate the crime and excuse it. For example: he didn’t really mean to be that murderer. In the course of interviewing women for her book Issenberg cited one woman who said, 'He was awkward and when the door hit him in the arm, the gun went off.’ And another one who said, 'His friends were all drinking and doing drugs and he got carried away and he didn’t mean to do it.’ (3)

So how do these dating sites for men behind bars work? Well they are like dating profiles on conventional dating sites. There’s a photograph, a short bio, hobbies and interests. The only difference in this part is the details of their incarceration. Again like conventional sites women pick the guy they like the look and sound of and start writing to them, building a rapport and hopefully a romantic relationship.

“Love a Prisoner” claims to have a “75% compatibility rating for those looking for their soul mate” – including inmates on death row. “Our mission is to give inmates a sense of hopefulness by connecting them to people on the ‘outside world’,” the website states. (5)

The forums on "Write a prisoner” give insight into what the women are looking for. They include things such as chatty prisoners, ones who don’t ask for money, and ones who haven’t committed sex crimes. The women have also slammed claims they are “groupies” of men who have committed vile acts. (5)

“Meet-an-Inmate” claims to be ranked #1 among prison pen pal websites and has been helping inmates connect with the outside world since 1988. They claim it’s a free, easy way to brighten up an inmates day but stress they are NOT a dating service. (6) However despite this romantic feelings can- and do- develop. There have been quite a few marriages from the site over the years. The founder, Arlen Bischke, explained that many prisoners get cut off from their family and friends so correspondence can really brighten their day. (7)

Christian Science Monitor reported that the online prisoner dating industry has grown from humble beginnings. Leading sites now boast “between 7,000 and 10,000 ads” and ABC News claim there are over a dozen major prisoner dating sites now. (7)

In conclusion I must admit to a certain fascination with true crime. I’ve got two shelves on my bookshelf dedicated to the genre after having discovered it during my undergrad legal degree and then my postgrad in criminology, as well as my time working in prosecution and the courts for the government. Shows about true crimes fascinate me. I devoured “making a murderer” (and read Jereme Butings book about that and the illusion of justice for indigent defendants which is pretty much the same in Australia these days given legal aid cuts mean cases are means tested and if they don’t think there’s a chance of winning they won’t take it purely because of lack of resources) and am loving “murder uncovered.” I’ve read a heap of books on Ivan Milat, Julian Knight, Bradley Murdoch and the infamous “underbelly” underworld crime spree. But would I then think to myself okay I’m going to write to these guilty criminals and maybe start some kind of friendship that could perhaps grow into a relationship? Hell no I don’t. (NB: I don’t believe that Steve Avery of MAM fame was guilty but that’s beside the point here.) I have no desire to want to correspond with killers, with men who will likely die in prison, let alone try and fall in love with them! Not only would it be an unequal and strange relationship but there would be no point. Plus the little fact that I don’t get turned on by men who could kill another human being with scant regard, or no regard, for the sanctity of life and the pain and suffering it would consequently create. And though I’ve really tried to understand the women who do this while researching and writing this blog post, and whilst I even partly understand some of the reasoning in bits, I just don’t get it. Love behind bars is just not for me.

Fatgirl.

Sources:

(1) https://www.vice.com/en_au/article/inside-the-matchmaking-service-for-murderers-rapists-and-violent-offenders

(2) https://www.google.com.au/amp/www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/dating-a-prisoner-what-attracts-people-on-the-outside-to-fall-in-love-with-convicted-criminals-10326587.html%3Famp

(3) https://www.google.com.au/amp/attn-google-amp.herokuapp.com/stories/6268/why-women-fall-in-love-prison-inmates

(4) https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2003/jan/13/gender.uk

(5) https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.thesun.co.uk/living/2907384/women-who-send-love-letters-to-prisoners-reveal-what-they-look-for-in-a-jailbird-pen-pal/amp/

(6) http://www.meet-an-inmate.com/

(7) http://thegrio.com/2011/12/20/online-sites-for-dating-men-in-prison-1/

Other sources:

https://www.google.com.au/amp/jezebel.com/5755106/women-who-marry-prisoners-arent-just-crazy-ladies/amp

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10665003/Murderous-love-Why-are-so-many-women-aroused-by-serial-killers.html

http://m.topix.com/forum/city/cape-girardeau-mo/TPEUTFH8HOOU5H9AF

Sites to meet prisoners (if you’re brave enough….)

http://www.conjugalharmony.com/

http://loveaprisoner.com/

https://www.prisondatingsite.com/

http://www.femaleprisonpals.com/

http://www.writeaprisoner.com/

http://www.prisonpenpals.net/