#I don’t really feel like coming on here much anymore

[defmaybe]

last night's mascara

12 Days of Christmas: Day 11, January 4th, 2025

Dreamcatcher’s Lee Gahyun x Male Reader

3.1k words

Christmas Masterlist

What a boring ass party.

It’s the thought that has been lingering inside your head for the last two hours. The decorations? Daft. The song choice? Lame. The conversations? Rote. So, there you are, one hand on your phone, the other fiddling with your fingers restlessly. Should’ve bought Balatro when it was on sale.

You scroll your Twitter feed aimlessly, pressing likes on the fan sites’ pictures of your favorite groups—fromis_9, Red Velvet, (G)I-DLE. It’s the only way to escape this party without raising much suspicion.

Well, not until Gahyun notices you standing in the corner of your eyes.

“Not enjoying it?”

You almost drop your phone on the ground, good thing you can balance it with your hands.

“Shit, y–yeah,” you reply.

Gahyun giggles softly, covering her mouth with the glass of champagne in her hand. She’s in her red and white Christmas dress, one that shows off a lot—her shoulders, her legs, her ample cleavage. Fuck, she looks so tantalizing.

“So,” she says. She’s pulling you into a conversation. Abort. Abort. Abort!

“How was your day?” she asks, “Wait, oh my god, that was a terrible question. I’m sorry if it’s too plain for you.”

It’s over for you.

“No, no, it was–great. I’m fine,” you reply. “How are you?”

Gahyun chuckles. “A bit drunk, but still standing!” she says with a bright smile, twisting her foot coyly. God, she looks gorgeous.

You only shoot a smile back at her. You don’t know what more to say. It’s difficult for you to continue the conversation like this. You can’t do this.

“Hey,” she continues. You’re finished. “I can keep you company here if you want.”

She’s kind, but you’ll have to say no. You aren’t good enough to hold her right here. You don’t have anything to talk about!

“Ah, I–I appreciate that, but I don’t think you’d enjoy my company,” you decline, taking a sip of the champagne in your hand.

She giggles, and you fall victim to your own self-deprecation once again. You just can’t stop pushing people out, can you?

Fuck.

“Don’t be so harsh on yourself, come on!” she encourages. You’re taken aback by her enthusiasm to be with you. Is she really enjoying your company? Is it a dare? Is she just toying with you for her own entertainment?

“O–Okay, Gahyun,” you stammer.

The conversation begins at the expense of your solitude. It’s seemingly unending. You’re involuntarily dragged into an exchange with the talkative Lee Gahyun. However, you’re slowly dragged into her charismatic presence. You’re somehow not stuttering anymore? Goodness gracious! She’s a good talker. She’s a good listener. She’s genuinely comforting to be around.

“So–speaking of music, have you been listening to anyone recently? Well, outside of k-pop, it’ll be too boring,” Gahyun asks.

You contemplate a bit before you answer, “Well, I’ve been listening to Gracie Abrams a lot lately. Do you know her?”

“Gracie Abrams–hmm–is she the one who opened for Taylor Swift?”

“Yeah!” you happily answer. She’s really full of knowledge. “I started listening to her a few years ago. Quality can be choppy sometimes, but I still like her a lot.”

“I’m sure she’s great,” she says with a giggle. “That’s why you’re drawn to her.”

You can only chuckle at her warm words. God, she really knows how to reel you in. 

“What about you? Who have you been listening to?” you ask her the same question back. Normally, you’d be beating yourself up for not changing the question, but with Gahyun, it feels like you don’t have to worry about anything.

Gahyun laughs, cutely covering her mouth while doing so. “Well, mostly Billie Eilish, her new album. Have you heard it yet?”

“Oh, yeah! I love Birds of a Feather a lot. Wait, let me guess yours–uh–” you pause, trying to guess her favorite from the album.

Gahyun adoringly smiles, waiting for your guess. Maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe it’s the light, but, fuck, are you having a crush on her?

“Chihiro?”

“Aww~ that’s close! It’s actually my second favorite,” Gahyun says, pouting cutely. You can only awkwardly giggle along to cover the embarrassment from the mistake.

“I actually love Lunch the most, to be honest,” she says. “Makes me click my heels, you know?”

“Oh, yeah. I mean–I also like Lunch, but–uh–it’s just not as sad as Birds of a Feather.”

“Oh. Oh! Well, that’s definitely interesting!” Gahyun says. “So, you like sad songs? Do you like–uh–have any to recommend to me?”

You give her a few songs. She nods in acknowledgement. The exchange continues into the night. It flows so lively that you get lost in her charm, over and over again. You find out about her dog at home—Bae. You find out that she loves pineapples on pizzas. You find out that her favorite TV show is Goblin (yes, that Goblin).

As it goes on, you can’t help but steal glances at her body, even if you know how inappropriate that is. You’ll use the opportunity when she looks away to take in the view of her ample cleavage or her meaty thighs. She looks so good, so deli–

“Hey,” she derails your train of thoughts. “Did you just–stare at my tits?”

Your eyes widen in shock. You didn’t realize that you’ve been looking at her for a little too long. Your hands tremble in fear of getting called out. You should say sorry, now!

“F–Fuck, I–I’m so s–sorry, Gah–”

“Zip it,” she cuts you off, putting her index finger on your lips. “I don’t want excuses.”

Tears start to form in your eyes. You’re being mentally cornered by Lee Gahyun, the company darling. God, you’re beyond fucked. Your whole life is being undone because of a slip. Fuck.

Then, she whispers into your ear.

“Meet me at the women’s bathroom in five minutes.”

You nod with your eyes closed slowly, before she departs from you, giving you the view of her hips swaying before disappearing into the crowd.

—

The women’s bathroom smells of air purifier, it’s taken care of well. It’s brightly lit. You find Gahyun standing in the middle of the room—arms crossed, tapping her foot. She’s waiting for you.

“Come here, lock the door,” she orders, gesturing you to her. Her voice is much, much more stern than in the ballroom, but there’s also–something else. Is she mad at you, or is it something else?

The door clicks shut, leaving the bathroom only for you two. You slowly walk towards Gahyun, who’s looking at you expectantly.

The air thickens with anticipation. The silence is heavy. You’re stuck in the bathroom with Lee Gahyun. She doesn’t seem too pleased with your presence here, but why would she be calling you here, then?

“So,” she starts. You close your eyes shut in fear. “Anything to say before we start?”

You shake your head vigorously, hoping that the admission would lessen the punishment directed at you.

You hear a wicked laugh, as she starts to circle around you. Your body trembles in fear. Fuck, what is she going to do with you. Is she going to beat you up? Is she going to berate you?

“Are you sure that you’ve locked the door?” she asks from behind you. You can feel her breath on your neck. It’s terrifying.

“Y–Yes, Gahyun,” you stammer out.

“Good. Now, take off your pants,” she orders sternly. Wait, this isn’t going where you’ve expected.

“Wait, do you want me to–”

“Take off your pants, yes,” she finishes your sentence without any hesitation. Determination shines in her eyes.

“O–Okay?” you utter, before reluctantly unbuckling your belt. It’s so hard to come off when your hands are literally shaking like this. Your breathing becomes erratic with each second that passes by.

“Faster,” she sternly commands into your ear. Her warm breath touches your skin, eliciting goosebumps everywhere. Your hands quickly take off your trousers as she orders, leaving your lower body in your boxers. The outline of your erection becomes visible under them.

“Good,” she says, the warmth of your hand emanating into your firm ass. “Now, if you’d show me what you’ve been hiding under this–garment.

You immediately comply with her order, sliding down your tight boxers in a hasty motion. Your hard cock springs free from its confinement. It twitches in the anticipation of what’s to come. Gahyun presses into your body from the back, making your ass touch her warm crotch. Her perfume pervades your nostrils, making your legs wobble like jelly.

“Hmm, excited, aren’t we?” she coos. Her right hand reaches from the back to tease you. She leaves just a little space between her hand and your cock. You wish you could just grab her hand and make her touch your hardness right now, but that’s not how you play this game. You can only wonder how Gahyun can hide this side for so long—the side that dominates the shit out of you.

“Do you want me to touch it? Say it.” Her hot breath brushes against your ear, teasing you, pushing you towards the limit.

“Y–Yes, I want you to touch it, Gahyun,” you utter, mind going all haywire from the sheer intensity of her body warmth against your back.

You hear Gahyun giggle mischievously from the back, before her hand latches onto your cock firmly, making you groan in sheer ecstasy.

Slowly, she begins her dirty display on your cock. She lazily drags her hand up along your length, eliciting a shudder from you. When she’s at the top, she makes sure to take a swipe on the tip to make you moan. Your brain is now filled with nothing but her otherworldly handjob she’s giving. She feels so good.

You moan and whimper in her tight restraint, naked from below the waist. Her hands are slowly jerking you off with an unmatched mastery. Her smell is intense—her perfume, and something that’s explicitly her.

She slowly finds her rhythm, knowing when to pump, knowing when to swipe. She goes faster, eliciting guttural groans and whimpers out of you. 

Your cock is being fondled by the company darling, and that thought alone sends you into rapture. She’s the same woman you see every day. She’s the same woman you’ve talked to. She’s the same woman who everyone loves. Now, she’s jerking you off in the women’s bathroom, making you moan and whimper.

Maybe it’s the sheer intensity of the situation, you can feel your loins tightening. Your body becomes rigid. Your breathing becomes erratic. You’re going to cum in Lee Gahyun’s hand!

“You know, I’ve been told a lot that I have nice lips,” she says. Her hands remain a little too eager to finish you off. It’s becoming too irresistible to cum right now. You can feel the tension rising within your loins. You do want more than her hand, indeed. That pair of lips are a little too tantalizing for you to not be on your cock—so plump, so pouty.

“F–Fuck, Gahyun, I–I’m gonna cum,” you utter. Time is running low, and you have to make her stop before you blow a load all over the bathroom floor and get short-circuited for the rest of the night.

Gahyun lets out another wicked giggle. “Say please, then.” She’s not going to stop so easily, not before you profusely beg her to.

“Nghhn~ p–please, Gahyun,” you plead, voice already shaking in the intense sensation.

“Again, and I’ll lift my hand off,” she teases, jerking you off even faster. Your mind is all hazy from the sheer pleasure you’re getting from her hand. Your blinking becomes rapid. Your vision becomes blurry.

“Nghh~ please, G–Gahyun.”

Gahyun suddenly removes her hand from your cock, leaving it twitching in the air. You sigh, as the tension slowly drops back to normal. You’re happy not to cum before you get to take on her mouth.

“Close one,” she says, letting go of you from her warm embrace. You feel like you can fully breathe for the first time in years. She was suffocating, but you won’t deny the pleasure she gave you, of course.

Gahyun slowly walks back to your front, putting the highlight of her next act for you to see—her lips, those dick-sucking lips. You and the guys have talked about this behind her back (well, behind everyone’s back) about how good her lips would feel on your cocks, head bobbing up and down in a hypnotic motion, bringing intense pleasure to whoever gets their dick sucked. 

Now, it’s your turn.

Gahyun kneels, not without seductively swaying her wide hips as she goes down. Your cock twitches at the sight violently, so ready to be taken into her mouth.

“Say please, just like when I jerked you off,” she commands. She seems to know when to raise her voice and when to not.

“Please, Gahyun,” you utter, your voice all dry from the moaning and the internally burning desire.

The first contact is nothing short of divine. Gahyun starts slow. She starts by taking in just the mushroom tip into her mouth. She feels so warm, so tight, so right. Gahyun gives the underside of your cock a playful lick, making your body jolt in response.

She then begins her show, pushing herself further on your cock. It’s a lewd sight, really—the direct eye contact, the sound she’s making (it’s kind of a low, satisfied hum), the way she fondles your balls with her fingers. Pleasure just shoots through your body like a bullet. Without any restraints, you could just cum into her mouth right here and now. She pushes further and further, making you groan in pure bliss, until she starts to gag.

“Y–You don’t have to take it all, G–Gahyun.”

She says nothing, instead diving deeper onto your cock, all while using her tongue to play with the underside of your length. No woman has ever given you a blowjob as good as this—the deliberate movement, the will to gag, the pouty lips. Gahyun really has it all.

She keeps the eye contact intact, a reminder of her control. The gagging sounds she’s making don’t hinder her dominance by a little bit. She lets you know who’s in control here. It’s her and only her.

She finally pushes herself up to the hilt of your cock. She gags. She chokes. She sputters. Globs of spit leaks out of her mouth. Your head falls backwards from the pleasure. Her eyes are barely opening from the sheer size of your cock. You love this. You love the sounds she’s making. You love how she dominates the shit out of you. You love that she’s willing to suck you off like this (even if she’s the one in full control).

She stays there, gagging, choking, sputtering on your cock. She’s taking in the pungent scent of you, judging by the way she takes a deep breath through her nose. Her lips look so good on your cock like this. The base of your length becomes saturated by her red lipstick and spit. Streaks of black mascara run down her cheeks. You’re revelling in it. You’re revelling in the sight.

“G–God, G–Gahyun,” you utter.

With that, she slowly pulls back from your cock, leaving a trail of her rosy lipstick on it. Her eyes are fluttering violently with the thickness and length of you. She can barely breathe, and you’re loving it.

Instinctively, your right hand goes to the back of her head, tugging her hair to pull her out of the predicament called your cock. She gets to breathe again, and she quickly dislodges herself off you.

“Ah, y–you taste good,” she says, still trying to catch her breath. The marks from the earlier act are evident.

You say nothing, letting Gahyun catch her breath again, waiting for the time she can take in your cock once more. She breathes in, she breathes out, and finally, she’s ready again.

“I’m not holding back this time, alright?” she says, determination sparks inside her eyes.

“S–Sure.”

She grabs onto your cock with her right hand, pulling you close, before she takes your cock into her mouth. This time, it’s more violent, more fervent. She catches her rhythm and doesn’t look back. She starts to bob her head back and forth on your cock, and doesn’t that make you whimper like a bitch?

“Nghhh~ s–so good,” you mewl.

Gahyun only replies with a giggle on your cock. Her grip is still firm. Her free hand fondles your balls gently, trying to coax cum out of you.

She catches her rhythm, moving her head in a hypnotic motion. She really wants you to cum under her influence like this. You hear her gag. You hear her choke. You hear her sputter.

The tension in your loins starts to rise again. You’re on the verge of cumming with the help of the earlier handjob, and she doesn’t seem to stop at all. That’s it. You’re unloading your cum inside of Lee Gahyun’s mouth, making her taste your white essence.

“G–Gonna cum,” you utter.

Gahyun responds by going as rapidly as she can on your throbbing cock. The sensation is electric. It shoots through you like a bullet. The knot tightens, and you can do nothing to stop it.

With the final stroke, you unload your pent-up lust into Lee Gahyun’s throat, making her taste your essence. Your body jerks forward in pure pleasure. You let out a low, guttural groan at your precipice, unable to make sense of the situation. She lets out a satisfied hum as she feels your white, hot cum hit the back of her throat. You’re probably salty, like the other women have said.

You slowly come down from your peak, finally catching your rhythm again. Your cock’s spurts turn into soft drizzles off the slit. Gahyun pulls off of your cock with a loud pop. What an obscene sight. Her face is a fucking mess—mascara, lipstick, it’s all wrong. You’re still too dazed to say a thing, though.

“You taste good,” she says, opening her mouth, sticking her tongue out lewdly to show the emptiness of her wet cavern. She drank it all.

“I–I wanna do this again,” you involuntarily utter from the depths of your heart. “I want you to suck my cock again.”

Maybe it’s the sheer absurdity of your words. Maybe it’s the wake of your climax. She bursts out a laugh, a genuine one. You watch her laugh awkwardly.

“Ask me–ha–properly,” she says. “Will you, Lee Gahyun–”

“Will you, Lee Gahyun–”

“Suck–”

“Suck my cock again?”

She lets out a chuckle, before answering, “Definitely, maybe.”

—

[rosemariiaa]

02 sᴇᴄᴏɴᴅ ᴄʜᴀɴᴄᴇs, ғɪʀsᴛ ᴄʀᴜsʜᴇs

𐙚—pairing: Paige x Azzi

𐙚—rosie’s note:i have nothing to say but enjoy this long and sad ass flashback and yeah..pls don’t humor me! live reacts are very much wanted and needed!! also wanted to say tysmmm for 700+ followers, i love evb soo much and ty for being here! happy reading lovelies 💌

𐙚—links: rosie’s bookshelf, series masterlist , prologue

𐙚—themes: au (time travel), angst, fluff (if you squint), hurt/comfort, mentions of depression

𐙚—taglist: @thaatdigitaldiary @ohbueckers @makethemhoesmad @imaginespazzi @sierrale8ne @bueckersbitch @xxloveralways14 @kmoneymartini @lupinqs @pboogerswbb @pbaz7 @guesswhoitsn @patri-ots87 @ashortyluvsports @absolutelydreadful @pazzilover101

enjoy!!!

Storrs, Connecticut 2021

It started a few weeks after Azzi and Paige made their “agreement”. That’s what Azzi called it in her head—a way to convince herself it was something mutual, something they both wanted. In reality, it was her idea. She was the one who said, “We can’t keep doing this,” and Paige had gone along with it, like she always did.

Azzi thought it would be better this way, safer. If they stayed just friends, they couldn’t hurt each other. But watching Paige move on, watching her live out this version of their lives that Azzi thought she wanted—God, it was killing her.

The first time Paige mentioned Leana, Azzi didn’t think much of it. Paige always had a way of making friends quickly, effortlessly. But then Leana started showing up, a lot. At the end of practice. At team dinners. At their apartment.

Paige introduced her to the team a few days after their conversation, her arm slung around Leana’s shoulders like it was nothing. Like it wasn’t the same way she used to hold Azzi. And Leana? She was perfect. Nice. Pretty. Confident in a way that made Azzi’s stomach churn with jealousy? No, Azzi never really got jealous when Paige would be with other girls. Especially because they would only last a day or a few hours, but Leana would not stop showing up.

So, it was definitely not jealousy. Hatred.

Azzi hated her. She hated how she laughed at Paige’s jokes, how she touched Paige’s arm all the time like it was it was gonna grow legs and run away if she didn’t, how Paige seemed to shine a little brighter whenever Leana was around.

She hated how much she wanted Leana to be awful. Selfish. Mean. Anything that would give Paige a reason to leave her, to come back to Azzi. So Azzi could hold her and comfort her, the way she always used to. But that wasn’t going to happen. Leana wasn’t a bad person, and Paige didn’t need Azzi anymore.

Fuck. What did I do?

Azzi tried to convince herself she was fine. That she didn’t care. That this was what she wanted. Right?

But then, tonight, she saw them in the dining hall. Paige was leaning against the table, laughing at something Leana had said, her head tilted back, blonde waves brushing her back. She looked happy. Free.

And then Paige’s hand went to the small of Leana’s back.

Azzi froze.

Her breath caught in her chest, her heart pounding in her ears. That was her spot. Paige used to do that to her all the time—those small, familiar touches that felt like secrets only they shared. And now Paige was doing it to someone else.

She would never do that to Azzi again.

The realization hit her like a punch to the gut, and for a moment, she thought she might be sick. She thought her heart had already broken, but somehow, it found a new way to break.

Because even though Azzi was the one who asked for this—even though she was the one who insisted they be just friends—watching Paige with someone else made her realize just how wrong she’d been.

She turned away before they could see her, her fists clenched at her sides as she hurried out of the dining hall. Her vision blurred, hot tears slipping down her cheeks before she could stop them.

This was what she wanted.

This was what she’d asked for.

So why did it feel like this?

Azzi wiped at her face, angry at herself for crying. She couldn’t help but think about the agreement again, how it all started.

She could still see Paige’s expression that night, the way her brows furrowed, her lips pulling into a small frown as she listened to Azzi stumble through her words.

few weeks earlier..

Paige sat down beside her, resting her elbows on her knees. “We need to talk.”

Azzi’s shoulders tensed, but she closed her laptop and turned to face Paige. “About what?”

“About why you’ve been avoiding me,” Paige said bluntly.

Azzi’s lips parted, but she hesitated. “I haven’t been avoiding you.”

“Az,” Paige said softly, giving her a pointed look.

Azzi sighed, leaning back against the couch. “I just… I needed space. To figure things out.”

“Figure what out?” Paige asked, her voice steady but laced with concern.

Azzi stared at her hands, fidgeting with the hem of her sweatshirt. “Paige, I can’t keep doing this. We said we’d be friends, and then I end up in your room, in your bed… It’s confusing.”

Paige leaned closer, her brows furrowed. “You just wanted to sleep and it’s not confusing to me. I know how I feel about you, Az.”

Azzi shook her head quickly, cutting her off. “That’s the problem. I don’t think I know how to stop letting this happen. And I don’t trust myself not to hurt you or get hurt again.”

Paige’s jaw tightened, her voice dropping. “So, what? You’re scared, so you’re just gonna shut me out? We’ve been through too much for that.”

“I’m not shutting you out,” Azzi said, her voice rising slightly. “I’m trying to protect us. You and me. If we keep crossing these lines, it’s only gonna end the same way it did before.”

Paige exhaled sharply, dragging a hand down her face. “You’re making this harder than it has to be. I get it, Az. I do. But I’m not gonna sit here and pretend I don’t want more.”

Azzi’s eyes softened, but she looked away. “And what happens when it gets messy again, Paige? What happens when we mess this up? I can’t lose you completely.”

Paige’s voice was quiet but firm. “You’re not gonna lose me.”

Azzi didn’t respond, her silence weighing heavy in the room.

Paige hesitated before speaking again. “So, what does this mean? Do I still get my goodnight kiss, or is that part of the deal over too?”

Azzi’s eyes shot to Paige, her cheeks flushing. “Paige…”

“What?” Paige said, trying to keep her tone light despite the tension. “I’m just asking.”

Azzi sighed, her lips curving into a reluctant smile. “Yes, you still get your goodnight kiss. But just… don’t make it a thing, okay?”

Paige grinned. “No promises.”

Azzi rolled her eyes, but her smile lingered as she stood up. “I’m going to bed.”

“Hold up,” Paige said, standing too. She leaned down slightly, her voice soft. “Goodnight, Az.”

Azzi hesitated, then stepped closer, pressing a quick kiss to both of Paige’s cheeks. “Goodnight, Paige.”

As she walked away, Paige watched her go, her heart heavy but hopeful. This wasn’t what she wanted, not entirely. But it was something. And for now, that was enough.

present day

Azzi knew she was fucked the moment she made the decision. She knew she was fucked when Paige agreed. She knew she was fucked when she realized Paige could talk to, kiss, and hold any girl she wanted now.

Because they were just friends.

And Azzi was completely, utterly fucked.

—

The past weeks have been hell. It was like she was going through the stages of “grief” or whatever. That’s how Azzi thought of it, at least. How else could she explain the sinking pit in her chest every time Paige and Leana walked into a room together? Or the way her throat tightened when she saw Paige’s hand on Leana’s ass or her arm thrown over Leana’s shoulder, her smile too wide, her laugh too loud? Seems fake to me. She thought.

The team noticed it, of course. How could they not?

Azzi’s energy had shifted. She was way quieter, more withdrawn during practice. When Leana was around, her answers became clipped, her eyes glued to the floor like she couldn’t bear to look at anyone. It didn’t help that Leana fit in so well. The team adored her.

KK had asked her once, “Az, you good?” when they were running laps.

“I’m fine,” she’d lied, her voice sharp enough to end the conversation. But KK’s look lingered, filled with concern Azzi refused to acknowledge.

She wasn’t fine. Not even close.

First stage: Denial

Azzi told herself this was temporary. It had to be.

Paige didn’t really like Leana, not like that. It was just something new, something casual to pass the time. Paige didn’t do relationships, not seriously, and this one wouldn’t last either.

Azzi clung to that thought like a lifeline.

But then Paige started bringing Leana to team dinners. She started showing up with her at practice, standing too close, laughing too hard. And when Azzi saw them together, her chest tightened like someone was physically squeezing the air out of her lungs.

One night, she sat on the couch in Caroline’s apartment, her hands gripping a throw pillow as if she could crush the ache out of her chest.

“I keep telling myself it’s nothing,” she admitted, her voice trembling. “That she’ll get bored and come back. But what if she doesn’t, Carol? What if—” Her voice cracked, and the words wouldn’t come.

Caroline pulled her into a hug, her voice soft and steady. “I’m sorry, Az. I know this sucks. But you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

Azzi didn’t reply. Because what was she supposed to say? That she didn’t know how to stop?

Second stage: Anger

The denial didn’t last. It couldn’t—not when Paige started bringing Leana to their apartment.

Azzi walked in one day after practice to find Leana sitting on the couch, Paige sprawled next to her, both of them laughing at something on Leana’s phone. Paige looked up, her face lighting up when she saw Azzi.

“Oh hey, Az. You hungry? We’re ordering sushi.”

We. Azzi hated the word.

She dropped her bag by the door, her jaw tight as she muttered, “I’m good,” before disappearing into her room.

That night, she slammed her bedroom door harder than necessary, her chest heaving with an anger she couldn’t contain.

Paige was supposed to be hers. She didn’t care how selfish it sounded—she didn’t want to share Paige with anyone else. Especially not Leana.

Third stage: Bargaining

Azzi started picking apart every moment she’d shared with Paige, searching for something she could’ve done differently.

Maybe if she hadn’t been so stubborn about staying “just friends.” Maybe if she’d let herself fall the way she wanted to—completely, unapologetically. Maybe Paige would’ve stayed.

She confided in Caroline again one night, her voice barely above a whisper as she lay curled up on the couch.

“What if I just tell her?” she asked, her hands twisting the hem of her hoodie. “What if I tell her I messed up, that I want her back?”

Caroline gave her a look that was equal parts sympathy and concern. “Az, you’re the one who pushed her away. Do you think telling her now is going to change anything? She’s with Leana.”

Azzi’s stomach sank at the words, but she couldn’t let go of the thought. What if Paige still loved her? What if there was a chance, no matter how small?

When Caroline finally left, Azzi retreated to her bedroom, unable to escape the weight of her emotions. Her eyes landed on the photo frame on her nightstand—the picture of her and Paige after their U16 gold medal win. Paige’s smile in the photo was the kind that made Azzi’s chest ache, bright and unguarded, as if she’d never known heartbreak.

It had become a nightly ritual, one that Azzi couldn’t bring herself to stop. She picked up the frame, her fingers trembling as she brushed over the glass. “I’m sorry, P,” she whispered, her voice cracking. “I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”

She pressed her lips to the corner of Paige’s smile in the photo, just like she used to do before bed. It was their tradition—their goodnight kiss. Only now, it was one-sided. A ghost of a memory that haunted her.

“Goodnight,” she murmured, her lips still resting against the glass. “Sweet dreams, P.”

Azzi set the frame back down and collapsed onto her bed, clutching the pillow to her chest. Maybe if I hadn’t been scared. Maybe if I just told her now…

Her mind raced with impossible scenarios, rewinding and replaying their history, searching for the moment she could fix, the word she could take back, the step she could retrace.

But in the end, she was left clutching nothing but a pillow and a memory, her tears soaking into the fabric.

Fourth stage: Depression

The hope didn’t last.

It was gone the night Azzi walked into the gym to find Paige and Leana standing by the bleachers. Paige’s hand was on Leana’s waist, positioning her towards the basket, Azzi felt her heart crack open all over again.

She barely made it through practice, her movements sluggish, her mind a blur. By the time she got home, she was shaking, tears streaming down her face as she stumbled into her bedroom.

Caroline found her an hour later, curled up on the floor, her chest heaving with silent sobs.

“I can’t do this,” Azzi whispered, her voice broken. “I can’t—she’s everywhere, Care. And I can’t—” She gasped for air, her words dissolving into another sob.

Caroline sat beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “Az, you don’t have to go through this alone. I’m here, okay? Whatever you need.”

Azzi nodded, but the ache in her chest didn’t fade.

She thought about their first kiss. On the dock, at the lake house of Azzi’s grandparents, the way Paige’s lips had been so soft, so sure.

Would Paige still think about it?

Would she remember the way they’d laughed afterward, giddy and breathless, as if the world had suddenly cracked open and spilled all its light into their lives?

Azzi closed her eyes, tears slipping down her cheeks.

Will I still cross your mind in a year, Paige? she wondered, her heart aching. Will you miss us, even for a second?

Because Azzi did. She missed Paige every day, every second of every day. She missed the way they fit together, like two halves of a whole, and the way Paige used to make her feel seen, like she was the only person in the world who mattered.

I miss you, she thought, her chest heaving with the weight of it. I miss us.

But Paige was with Leana now, and Azzi was just a ghost in her life—a shadow of what they used to be.

And no matter how much she wanted to believe otherwise, she couldn’t shake the feeling that Paige had already moved on.

Stage 5: Acceptance? No. The lack of Acceptance

No matter how hard she tried, Azzi couldn’t let go.

She couldn’t stop thinking about the way Paige used to look at her, like she was the only person in the room. She couldn’t stop replaying their last kiss in her mind—the warmth of Paige’s lips, the way she’d whispered, “Just friends,” like it was a promise they could keep.

But they couldn’t.

And Azzi couldn’t accept it. She couldn’t accept that Paige was gone, that she’d moved on, that the life they’d imagined together was slipping further out of reach with every passing day.

She wanted to scream, to cry, to do anything that might ease the crushing weight on her chest. But all she could do was sit in her room, staring at the wall, as the realization settled in:

She wasn’t grieving Paige. She was grieving herself—the part of her that had believed in them, the part of her that had loved Paige so fiercely it burned.

And now, all she had left were the ashes.

—

Paige didn’t like Leana.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. She liked her well enough to talk to her, to hang out with her when the apartment felt too quiet, too empty, too suffocating without Azzi. But when it came to everything else—when it came to the little things—Paige didn’t like her at all.

She didn’t like that Leana couldn’t cook. It wasn’t like Azzi was an all-star chef or anything—Azzi could barely cook either—but it was different. It was Azzi. At least Azzi could make scrambled eggs. And those nasty green smoothies she used to force Paige to drink after workouts? Yeah, Paige hated them, but she never really hated them because they were from Azzi.

Leana couldn’t even make toast without burning it.

Paige didn’t like how Leana was so touchy-feely all the time. It was suffocating. She hated how Leana’s hands always found her waist or her shoulders, how her arms would wrap around Paige’s neck, clinging like a vine. Paige was supposed to be the clingy one. She was the one who used to jump into Azzi’s arms after practice, planting kisses all over her face or pulling her into hugs just because she felt like it.

And Azzi? She didn’t need to be all over Paige all the time. Sometimes, Azzi would just sit next to her, quiet and comfortable, letting Paige know she was there without saying a word. Paige loved that. She loved being in Azzi’s presence. It was Azzi, after all. Who wouldn’t want to just exist beside her?

But with Leana? God, sometimes Paige wanted to yell, “Can you just get the fuck away from me already?”

Leana’s hair? Always slick, stick-straight, and perfect. Paige hated it. She missed Azzi’s hair—how she’d wear it in curls or braids, switching it up depending on her mood. Paige loved running her hands through Azzi’s curls, loved how soft they felt and how they smelled like flowers.

Leana always smelled like strawberries. Safe to say Paige never had an appetite for them anymore.

She didn’t like the way Leana chewed her food, loud and careless, or the way she slurped her drinks like she grew up with no one teaching her manners. Azzi chewed her food so pretty—if chewing could even be called pretty—with that bright, wide smile she always had when Paige surprised her with ice cream sundaes every Friday night.

Leana always wanted to eat out, and not even at good places. She was obsessed with Jimmy John’s. Paige was too, but only when she went with Azzi every other week after games. Paige couldn’t stand it. She missed how Azzi would insist they eat at home, complaining about how Paige didn’t eat healthy enough.

And God, Paige hated the way Leana fucked. She hated the way her tongue moved on her breasts, her stomach, and just her body. The way her small, slender fingers never hit the right spot, the way her kisses felt too wet, too desperate, too wrong. Leana always tasted like candy, but Paige didn’t even like that anymore. She liked when Azzi tasted like candy.

Because it was Azzi.

Leana was all wrong—her touch, her smell, her laugh, her everything. Paige didn’t like anything about her, not really. And the more she tried to forget Azzi with Leana, the more it became painfully clear.

She didn’t want Leana. She never did.

She wanted Azzi.

But Azzi didn’t want her, not like that. Not anymore. And Paige couldn’t admit it out loud, but she knew the truth.

She was in a tangled mess she doesn’t think she can cut herself out of.

The worst part was Paige only really showed Leana affection when other people were around—when the team was watching, or worse, when Paige knew Azzi was somewhere nearby. It was all for show. A charade. She wanted to convince everyone, herself included, that she was fine. That she didn’t think about Azzi day and night. That she didn’t spend every waking moment wishing things were different.

She faked a laugh at Leana’s terrible jokes, forcing herself to look interested, to act like she wasn’t distracted by the mere thought of Azzi. But she was. She always was.

Every time Leana touched her, Paige’s mind wandered to Azzi’s touch instead. Every time Leana spoke, Paige thought about Azzi’s voice, the way it softened whenever she called Paige’s name. Every time Leana kissed her, Paige found herself comparing it to Azzi’s kisses—how they tasted sweeter, felt deeper, left her breathless in ways Leana never could.

It didn’t matter how much Paige pretended. She wasn’t fooling anyone. Certainly not Azzi. Certainly not herself.

She was a fucked fool.

Present day (au)

The night was colder than Paige expected. The sharp winter air bit at her cheeks as she adjusted the duffel bag slung over her shoulder, glancing over at Azzi walking beside her. Her girlfriend’s hands were stuffed deep into her coat pockets, her brow furrowed in curiosity.

“You really aren’t gonna tell me where we’re going?” Azzi asked, her voice soft but laced with amusement.

Paige smirked, shaking her head. “Nope. You gotta trust me, princess.”

Azzi rolled her eyes, though the nickname softened her expression. “Last time you said that, we ended up at that hole-in-the-wall pizza spot where you made me eat that ‘experimental’ pineapple jalapeño pizza.”

Paige held her hand to her chest, feigning offense. “Okay, first of all, that pizza was fire, and you know it.”

Azzi gave her a side-eye, her lips twitching upward despite herself. “It made me throw up on your shoes but okay! Just hurry it’s cold.”

Paige rolled her eyes and grinned, nodding toward the gym as it came into view. Its towering doors stood shut, the building silent under the faint glow of campus lights.

Azzi frowned, glancing between Paige and the gym. “Uh, you do know the gym is closed, right?”

Paige pulled a key from her pocket, holding it up with a mischievous grin. “Not for me, it’s not. Perks of being a super senior and coach’s favorite.”

Azzi followed her inside, the smell of the gym familiar but the sight in front of her unexpected. The center court lights glowed softly, illuminating a small setup Paige had prepared: a picnic blanket, a thermos of hot cocoa, a container of chocolate-covered strawberries, and a jar of Nutella sitting neatly on top.

Azzi’s jaw dropped slightly. “Wait—is that Nutella and strawberries? Wow Paige, you really thought this through.”

Paige shrugged, trying to play it cool but clearly pleased with herself. “You’re the one who put me onto it. Said they’re ‘life-changing’ or whatever. Figured I’d return the favor.”

Azzi laughed, kneeling down on the blanket and picking up the jar of Nutella. “I didn’t just say they’re life-changing. I said they’re essential. There’s a difference.”

Paige chuckled, setting her duffel bag near the bleachers before grabbing a basketball. “Yeah, yeah. Now let’s see if you still got that jumper.”

For the next hour, they played like they were kids again—shooting around, teasing each other, laughing until their stomachs hurt. Paige couldn’t help but steal glances at Azzi, marveling at how at ease she looked, her usual focus replaced with unfiltered joy.

When they finally settled back on the blanket, Azzi leaned into Paige’s side, her head resting on her shoulder. She dipped a strawberry into the Nutella and popped it into her mouth, sighing contentedly.

“This is perfect,” Azzi said softly.

Paige smiled, her fingers tracing small circles on Azzi’s thigh. “Yeah. I figured we could use something like this. It’s been…a lot lately.”

Azzi tilted her head to look up at Paige, her brow creasing slightly. “What do you mean? You’ve been killing it this year, P.”

Paige hesitated, her fingers stilling. “Yeah, but…it’s weird, you know? Knowing this is my last year here. I’m really gonna miss this place.”

Azzi’s smile faltered, and she sat up a little straighter. “You don’t have to think about that yet, though.”

Paige raised an eyebrow, her lips quirking. “What about you? You’ve been quiet about what you’re gonna do. Are you staying another year or declaring?”

Azzi blinked, caught off guard. “I—” She stopped, her gaze dropping to the blanket. “I haven’t decided yet.”“I don’t know. It’s a big decision, and I don’t want to rush it. But…sometimes I think staying wouldn’t be so bad.”

Paige reached out, gently turning Azzi’s face toward her. “Hey,” she said softly. “We’ll figure it out, no matter what. You staying or going doesn’t change us, Az.”

Azzi’s throat bobbed as she swallowed, her eyes shining with uncertainty. “It’s just…a lot to think about.”

Paige’s expression softened, and she leaned in to press a kiss to Azzi’s temple. “I get it. Take your time. You don’t have to decide tonight.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, the gym’s stillness wrapping around them like a blanket. Finally, Paige broke the quiet, a playful grin tugging at her lips.

“So,” she said, glancing down at Azzi. “Am I still get my goodnight kiss tonight, or what?”

Azzi laughed, rolling her eyes. “You’re ridiculous, you ask this everytime” she teased, but her cheeks flushed pink.

Paige tilted her head, her grin widening. “That’s not a no.”

Azzi sighed dramatically, leaning forward to press a soft, lingering kiss to Paige’s lips. When she pulled back, Paige was grinning like she’d won a championship.

“See?” Paige said, leaning back against the blanket. “This is why I’m gonna miss UConn. Nobody does goodnight kisses like you.”

Azzi laughed, shaking her head. “You’re lucky you’re cute, because you’re so corny.”

Paige chuckled, pulling Azzi closer. For the first time in a while, she let herself just be present—with Azzi, with this moment, with this version of her senior year.

—

The gym was almost empty now, the faint echo of their laughter still hanging in the air. Paige knelt beside her duffel bag, tossing in her shoes and a few loose pieces of tape she’d peeled off her wrists. Azzi was a few feet away, waiting patiently for paige to finish.

The night had been everything Paige hoped for—light, easy, and full of the kind of love that made her forget, even for a moment, about everything weighing her down.

Azzi turned to Paige, her brown eyes sparkling even under the harsh fluorescent lights. “You okay?” she asked, tilting her head.

Paige zipped up her bag and stood, throwing it over her shoulder. “Yeah, I’m good,” she said with a small smile.

Azzi didn’t look convinced, but she didn’t push. Instead, she nodded toward the doors. “Come on, let’s get home, KK is blowing up my phone.”

They walked side by side, their footsteps echoing off the walls as they made their way to the exit. Paige glanced over at Azzi, watching the way her ponytail swayed with each step, the way she hummed softly under her breath. She was so beautiful, so effortlessly radiant, and Paige felt her chest tighten at the thought of everything she was keeping from her.

As they stepped outside, the cold air hit them immediately, their breath visible in the chilly night. Paige unlocked the car with a press of a button, and Azzi walked ahead, tossing her bag into the backseat before climbing in. Paige lingered for a moment, staring up at the stars as if they might hold the answers she was looking for.

“Paige?” Azzi called softly from inside the car.

Paige snapped out of her thoughts and climbed in, shutting the door behind her. The heater kicked on as she started the engine, and for a moment, they just sat there, the quiet hum of the car filling the space between them.

Paige had one hand on the wheel, the other resting casually on her thigh. Azzi sat in the passenger seat, her head turned slightly toward Paige as if she was studying her. The hum of the engine and the faint sound of the radio filled the space between them, but Paige’s thoughts were so loud they might as well have been screaming.

She’d done her best to stay in the moment tonight—to soak in Azzi’s laugh, her smile, the way her nose scrunched whenever Paige teased her. But as they neared campus, the weight in Paige’s chest grew heavier.

It wasn’t just about what she’d gotten a second chance at; it was what she’d lost the first time around.

Azzi broke the silence first. “Hey, you wanna just crash in my room tonight?” Her voice was soft, almost hypnotizing.

Paige glanced at her briefly before returning her eyes to the road. “Yeah,” she said, her voice just as quiet. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Azzi smiled, reaching out to give Paige’s arm a squeeze before settling back into her seat.

For the rest of the drive, Paige’s thoughts spiraled.

What if she could fix things?

The question had been haunting her since the moment she woke up in this second chance of a life. She could do so much—change so much—but every action had consequences. Good ones, bad ones. Ones she couldn’t even begin to predict.

Her grip on the steering wheel tightened.

And then there was the truth. The one thing she knew she could never fix, never change. The one thing that had already shattered Azzi once before.

Paige swallowed hard, her jaw clenching. She couldn’t think about that now. Not tonight. She needed to focus on the present—on Azzi, on the way her voice softened whenever she said Paige’s name, on the way her fingers always found Paige’s whenever they were walking side by side. Just focus on Azzi, just focus on pretending.

But was she really pretending? No. No, she wasn’t.

Paige knew she loved Azzi. Everyone did. She loved her so much it felt like it was tearing her apart from the inside out. She loved her enough to want to protect her, even if it meant keeping this secret. She loved her enough to die for her.

But loving her didn’t make what she was doing any less wrong.

By the time they reached Azzi’s dorm, Paige felt like she could barely breathe. Azzi didn’t seem to notice; she was already climbing out of the car, waiting for Paige to grab her things before leading the way inside.

When they reached Azzi’s room, Paige hesitated in the doorway, her duffel bag slung over her shoulder. Azzi turned to her, frowning slightly.

“You good?” she asked.

Paige forced a smile and nodded. “Yeah. Just tired, that’s all.”

Azzi’s frown deepened, but she didn’t press. Instead, she grabbed Paige’s hand and pulled her inside.

They moved through their usual routine with ease—Azzi handing Paige a pair of sweats, Paige tossing her hoodie onto the back of a chair, both of them brushing their teeth side by side in the small bathroom. But as they finally settled into Azzi’s bed, the silence between them felt heavier than before.

Paige lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling while Azzi curled up beside her, her head resting on Paige’s shoulder.

“You’ve been quiet,” Azzi murmured, her voice barely audible in the darkness.

Paige exhaled slowly, her fingers brushing through Azzi’s hair. “Just…thinking.”

“About what?”

Paige hesitated. She could feel the words bubbling up in her throat, threatening to spill out. But she couldn’t say them. Not now. Maybe not ever.

“Everything,” she said instead.

Azzi shifted, propping herself up on one elbow to look at Paige. “Hey,” she said softly, her fingers brushing against Paige’s cheek. “Whatever it is, you can talk to me. You know that, right?”

Paige closed her eyes, the weight in her chest almost unbearable. “I know,” she whispered.

Azzi’s thumb traced slow circles on Paige’s cheek. “You’re scaring me, P. What’s going on?”

Paige opened her eyes, her gaze locking with Azzi’s. And for a moment, she thought about telling her—about laying it all out there, no matter the consequences. But the thought of the look on Azzi’s face, the hurt in her eyes, stopped her cold.

“I’m just…I’m scared too,” Paige admitted, her voice trembling.

Azzi frowned, leaning closer. “Scared of what?”

Paige swallowed hard, her fingers tightening in Azzi’s hair. “Of losing this. Of messing it all up again.”

Azzi’s expression softened, and she leaned down to press a gentle kiss to Paige’s forehead. “You’re not gonna lose me, Paige. Not now, not ever.”

Paige closed her eyes, a single tear slipping down her cheek. “I hope you’re right,” she whispered. Oh, hope, hope was a beautiful thing.

Azzi pulled her closer, wrapping her arms around Paige as if she could hold her together. Paige buried her face in Azzi’s neck, her heart pounding in her chest.

She wanted to believe her. God, she wanted to believe her.

But deep down, she knew that as long as she kept this secret, the clock was ticking.

And she was terrified of what would happen when it finally ran out.

——

𐙚— rosie’s note: so how do we feel? do we love rosie ?? 😊

[poguelandiarafe]

Sooo I just saw this https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8FR5vPf/ tik tok, and it's stirring something in meeee...can you write about rafes inner turmoil, and how reader helps him with it? Love your writing sfm!!!

thank you so much lovely! this is such a good idea, i love it! i hope you like it <3 i’ve added the video above ^ (all credits to @petrovatbh on tiktok!!)

masterlist

————

rafe’s been home from morocco for just over three days and ever since he stepped through the door, the air has been heavy and thick with tension. he’s barely said two words to you, preferring to stay locked up in his office or out of the house and away from your questions. tonight, however, you decide to try your luck again.

“rafe?” you say softly when you hear the front door slam shut.

he isn’t expecting you to be awake since it’s way past midnight. yet here you are, sitting on the sofa, waiting for him to come home.

“not tonight.” he huffs out, making his way to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

“yes tonight, rafe,” you begin, getting up and following him into the bathroom, “i don’t know what happened in morocco, nor do i want to but i’m your girlfriend, you can’t keep ignoring me. we live together but the past few days i feel like i’ve been living with a ghost and it’s not fair.”

rafe stops in front of the sink, gripping the edge of the counter tight. his gaze meets yours in the mirror and he lets out a sharp breath. there’s nothing you want more in this moment than for rafe to let you in and talk to you, to tell you about whatever’s on his mind.

“i said not now.” he mutters, splashing some cold water on his face to calm his annoyance, “i won’t do this right now.”

“then when?” you snap, growing tired at him refusing to talk about it, “you keep saying that, rafe. would you prefer if i left you alone completely? or how about if i move out so you don’t have to be annoyed when you see me in the house we share? you know, since we live together? if it’s about something i’ve done or you don’t love me anymore please, just tell me because i can’t deal with you like this.”

quickly, he turns around and exhales sharply, trying to find the words. it breaks his heart that you think he doesn’t love you when in reality he loves you more than anything. he just hates talking about what happened on the runway all those years ago.

“it’s not about you.”

he says the words with quiet confidence, trying to reassure you and at the same time silently ask for you to stop pushing him. but you don’t. you can’t stand him being so distant.

you miss your boyfriend.

“rafe, please talk to me. i can’t try to help if you don’t tell me what’s going through your head.”

a few seconds of silence pass before he pushes off the counter and brushes past you, walking into the bedroom. you follow him, sitting next to him on the bed.

finally, rafe gathers the words, “shoupe brought her up.”

“peterkin?” you whisper, the name causing goosebumps on your skin.

he doesn’t have to answer, the lack of one sufficient enough. it’s been years since either of you brought up that day, but the memory of it is still as haunting as ever.

“what did he say?” you ask, even though you’re scared of the answer.

“before we left for morocco… i told him i’d tell him about what happened with my dad and the plane and everything that happened on the runway last summer,” he has to take a breath, the memory replaying in his head, “but he wanted to know about peterkin. about what really happened. i- i killed her and he wants me to confess. he knows, i know he does but-”

“rafe, calm down.” you have to cut him off, sensing how stressed out he’s getting.

his chest is heaving as he takes in deep breaths and runs a hand over his face. from the corner of his eye, he can see that you’re facing him, your eyes studying his face.

“all i want to do is forget about that day, leave it in the past,” he whispers, interlocking his fingers with yours when you rest your hand on his thigh, “but shoupe- he brought it all back. it felt like i was back there. and then to have to spend all that time with them in morocco and away from you… it was horrible.”

carefully, you grab his face to make him look at you, his glossy eyes meeting yours. you gently wipe away the tears that trail down his cheeks.

“baby, it’s okay to feel that way. this has been with you for so long, it was bound to happen one day. but you don’t have to do it alone, i thought you knew that. i’m here for you, i always will be.”

your words apparently don’t have the intended effect of calming him down. he pulls away from your touch and abruptly stands up, pacing back and forth in front of you.

“no, you don’t get it!” he shouts, fists clenching by his side, “you didn’t shoot her, you don’t have to live with this guilt, y/n! she wasn’t supposed to be there. i did it for my dad and it all means nothing because now he’s gone.”

“you can’t undo what you did, rafe. it happened. but you’re not that person anymore,” you say firmly, also standing up, “you’re trying to make up for it, everyone can see that. maybe you can’t, but everyone else can. that mistake doesn’t define you so stop acting like it does.”

“she’s still dead and it’s still my fault! it doesn’t matter that i’ve ‘changed’.” he spits, laughing bitterly as the last word leaves his lips.

“yes, rafe. it does matter because you’re trying. you’re trying to do better and be a better person than who you were, someone people are proud of.” you push, begging him to listen to what you’re actually saying.

he stops in front of you, towering over you yet still the smallest you’ve ever seen him, his vulnerability evident in this moment.

“you really think i’ve changed? that i can ever come back from what i did?” he asks, voice barely above a whisper.

“yes,” you nod, your hand cupping his cheek, “but, let me help you. whatever you need me to do, just tell me and i’ll do it because i love you.”

rafe exhales shakily, a tiny weight feeling like it’s been lifted off his shoulders. finally, he returns your nod and pulls you into a hug, strong arms tightly gripping you like he’s afraid you’ll slip away.

“i love you too. and i’m sorry… about everything.”

“we’ll get through it together, just like always,” you promise, pressing a soft kiss to his lips, “but please keep trying. don’t go backwards.”

“i’ll try.”

“that’s all i ask for.”

[mandalhoerian]

I love your analysis on Rafayel, I thought there was something wrong with me not understanding his card! If it's not too much to ask, can you break down his final dialogue? I don't get his point. why is he suddenly bringing up love when this has been about art? Isn't he saying that the love he feels is also bringing him pain, isn't this a bad thing😅 Is it just me 😅 I feel crazy... You can ignore this if you want no hard feelings

the said analysis on intertidal zone for people who haven't seen it!

first of all, please don't be hard on yourself for not understanding, you're okay! this was me too. i got you!

"i once stubbornly believed only pain could bring me inspiration. I traveled far and wide in search of it. Pain that inspires me, I mean. Like a sea that's about to dry up. The art of creation is part of my life. You made me realize love and art are so alike. Even if they don't complete me but burn me instead, I still want them with every fiber of my being."

but before i can explain this fully, I want to go take a few steps back and go into what he previously revealed. I swear it makes sense to start from the beginning, trust me. spoiler alert, I've discovered something you guys. (@pasdenomadonner you can put this on reddit too if you'd like!!)

"actually i was here last time for an exhibit and i found myself in the same situation."

this could refer to either his fever, or his lack of inspiration, or both. the next line confirms that he was going through creative block, though -> "as far as i know, this is the longest time my mind's been like a blank sheet of paper."

and mc says, "you mean you can't draw?"

I totally missed this before & thought it was a tangent that came out of nowhere. But what Rafayel did is that, without words, showing her that he was in fact able to fix his inspiration issue the last time. This isn't a random reveal that the ocean and desert painting belonged to him all this time. It says that his trip to here fixed his creative block and the piece he made from the inspiration he got from Aridum made it to the memorial hall. He's saying, "No no, I could draw."

He's come here again for guaranteed inspiration hit. He's basically saying his trip here didn't work this time around and this isn't doing anything for him, despite the tragedy all around him.

Do you know what this means? STAY WITH ME NOW, STAY WITH ME.

because this ties DIRECTLY to him saying "i stubbornly believed only pain could give me inspiration" -- so, if only pain gives him inspiration, why can't he draw now? why is his mind blank? Is he not getting his inspiration from pain anymore? What will he do now, then? THAT'S what he's struggling with.

NOW we can dive into the rest of the final dialogue.

1. “The art of creation is part of my life.”

This line sets the stage. Rafayel isn’t just saying art is important to him, it’s essential. Not a hobby. Art isn’t just a thing he does, it’s who he is.

What he’s really saying here is: “Art is a core part of my identity. Without it, I’m not me.”

2. “You made me realize love and art are so alike.”

Here’s the pivot. It's so confusing at first glance because you expect him to elaborate in "What way?" But I believe Rafayel is setting the stage to make a direct comparison between art--this thing he just declared essential to his life--and love not just by commenting on their similarities but by implying that love (MC) is just as essential as art.

Think about what this means for someone like Rafayel:

Art has always been his way of processing the world, expressing himself, and finding meaning. It’s his lifeline.

By comparing love to art, he’s saying that MC has brought something into his life that feels equally vital, equally irreplaceable.

He’s realizing that MC, like art, isn’t just something that happens to him--it’s something he needs.

3. “Even if they don’t complete me but burn me instead...”

This is where it gets personal and raw. Rafayel doesn’t see art or love as things that “fix” him or make him whole. Instead, he sees them as forces that challenge him, consume him, and demand something from him.

“Burn me instead”: The idea of burning here isn’t necessarily negative, perhaps. It’s could be about intensity and being consuming. Both art and love push Rafayel to his limits, force him to confront himself, and sometimes hurt him in the process. But he’s okay with that. The burn isn’t a deterrent--it’s a part of what makes these things so meaningful to him.

In essence, he’s saying: Even if art and love aren’t easy, even if they don’t make me feel whole or safe, I still want them. I still need them.

4. “I still want them with every fiber of my being.”

This line drives the point home, circling back to how he said they were "alike". Rafayel isn’t just tolerating the burn--he’s choosing it. He wants art and love, not because they’re perfect or painless, but because they’re what give his life meaning. Remember his "Addictive Pain" anectode? I don't think he dislikes this kind of "pain" but MC isn't in a place to understand what he means yet is my takeaway.

YEAH?. YEAH. I'M DOING LAPS IN MY ROOM HE'S SO. HE'S SOOOOOO. AND I'M SO SLOW, I DIDN'T GET ALL OF UNTIL LATER, LIKE HOW THE LAST TIME HE WAS ABLE TO BE INSPIRED BY ARIDUM DURING CREATIVE BLOCK BUT NOT ANYMORE. "Why is he bringing up love all of a sudden. Weren't we just talking about art?" was such a raw connection he was trying to pull and it flew right over my head.

And understanding the burning thing quite literally I imagine, LIKE I WAS DOING, MC is like

he's such a tortured artist

anyway. I hope I was able to help, anon. It's thanks to you I went in and discovered these new things. Why is it always Rafayel. I feel like local tumblrina discovering media literacy for the first time, I swear I'm good at consuming media it's him making things difficult (even though me personally I've made my peace with having a peanut for a brain that runs on brainrot)

[kisses4kaia]

ive revisited my twd era and i can’t stop thinking about daryl and his softness during intimacy.. lord happy new year

he’s always been gentle with you, that’s nothing new, but the pure vulnerability he displays as you sit in his lap, thighs on either side of his own, is something so beautiful—you don’t think a million words could capture it’s heaviness.

“‘m sorry,” he says after flinching at your fingertips feather-brushing over the scars on his back, and you can feel your heart break as you imagine the resilience your man has been forced to build over the course of his years. “do they hurt anymore?” you whisper, kissing him on his cheekbone, tenderly forging a path with your lips from his jaw to his neck. “no, not really. s’times, when i stretch weird, though,” he gruffs out as you feel his muscles relaxing beneath you.

right now, you’re pretty much just cock-warming him, humming noncommittally as he feeds you crumb after crumb of his walls’ bricks. his entrusting of you warms you, and you smile, bringing your forehead to his before kissing him square on his lips. you find yourself rolling your hips over his slowly, gasping into his mouth as he groans, grip on your thighs tightening before lovingly massaging the fat of your ass. “beautiful, really beautiful,” he says more to himself than to you, but you don’t find it any less charming. “feels good?” you laugh, allowing yourself to move ever slightly faster. “mhm, love ya, love ya, i mean it.” daryl mumbles beneath you, and you suddenly feel overwhelmed with a deep fondness for the man below you.

“i love you too, baby, so much,” you gasp out as his cock hits that tender lovespot inside of you. kissing him on the forehead, you find your hands in his hair, massaging and tugging on the chestnut tresses affectionately. beneath you, daryl’s sighing and smiling and gently groaning as you push and pull your hips eagerly into his, chasing your high. his strong arms wrap around your waist as he pulls you into him, pressing his lips to the junction of your neck and your shoulder, nosing at your jugular.

the pair of you fit together, perfectly. not like a jigsaw puzzle, but more like water and sand. bound by the salt of the sea, the testament to your love is that of your mingling sweat from working yourself onto, into him. your flesh, his hair, your bones, his heart, there was no distinction between muscle and tissue here in this moment, (you two were merely beings of soul-stuff, bodiless and one with each other) you realize as the heat in your core breaks through to the surface and wracks through you.

you think he came before you, because once you come to your senses, he’s basking in the afterglow, softening inside you.

sex with daryl was always special, but he accredits it all to you.

[stxrslutrestored]

OVERWHELMED

pairing; john b x angel reader

summary; you’ve been feeling overwhelmed all week, and it all shows itself when john b comes back from one of his missions

content; fluff

authors note; none

you have been worked to the bone all week, with john b gone on one of his missions, you’ve been all alone. from dealing with work to simply managing the house by yourself, you’re overwhelmed and exhausted. 

that’s why tonight should be relieving, john b is back, you have your first meal together in days, first in person interaction in days. but still, you just can’t shake that overwhelm. 

you don’t want to burden john b with that though, surely he’s just as exhausted as you, if not more, he’s been out searching for gold, fighting villains. 

your mission today is to relax him. not you, you are absolutely fine. 

you’ve pulled out all the stops, you made a meal and made the bed and cleaned the whole chateau to make it spotless. 

john b loved it of course, it was a lovely evening in principle, you would enjoy it if you didn’t feel like you’re going to explode. 

right now you’re straddling his lap on the couch, grinding on him as he undoes his pants. you’re both moaning and panting, except you’re only really pretending to, this is all for him anyways. 

he grunts, “missed you so much baby,” he speaks into your ear, “missed you so much.” his hands come up to undo the zip on your dress and pull it down and off your body. 

you force a smile, “missed you too john b.” you lean forward to kiss him, locking lips so as to distract yourself from the tears that are just about threatening to fall. 

his hands grip your hips and then soon he’s sliding his dick into you, beginning to love after a second or two. it should feel good, it should feel so good but the extra sensation is just pushing you over the edge. 

you only last a minute or so before seal of your lips is broken due to your bursting into tears. you just can’t hold it anymore, you have to start sobbing otherwise you don’t know what will happen. 

john b immediately pulls away, “woah- hey.. hey what’s happenin’ baby?” he stops all his movements, hand coming up to cup your cheek and make you face him. 

you sniffle, still sobbing unevenly, “I’m— I’m sorry john b,” you cry, making to bury your face in his bare chest, it’s warm against the skin of your cheek. 

he coos, stroking your hair, “hey… hey don’t be sorry. just tell me what’s makin’ you cry all of a sudden.” he looks down, concern etched in his features. 

“just,” you sniffle, “just so.. so overwhelmed… been doin’ so much all week and just.. need.. need to..” you can’t even finish your sentence as your fit of tears continues. 

john b nods, “just need to have a little cry? let it all out?” he murmurs, asking if that was the end of your sentence. you nod. 

he hums, “okay, you do that.” he rubs your back and starts to move. he pulls his dick out of you, already flaccid due to the diffused situation. 

he dressed himself from the waist down again, and then grabs a blanket to wrap around your shoulders, he pulls you close once more. 

you sniffle, letting yourself feel comfort from his warm presence. eventually you calm down, breath still shaky, tears still falling. 

he tilts your head up to check on you, “all done?” he asks gently, stroking your cheek and wiping the tears away with his thumb. you sniffle but nod nonetheless. he hums approvingly, “good. now here’s what we’re gonna do.” he adjusts his grip on you, sitting up a little, “we’re gonna get up, you’re gonna have a snack, drink some water, and then we are going to cuddle up and watch one of those softie pink lookin’ movies that I hate. okay?” 

you look down, still sniffling sadly, but you nod. he doesn’t accept that response though, he squeezes you a little, “I said okay? c’mon, I see that smile.” he pokes your cheek. 

you let a little curve take your lips, “okay,” you murmur. and just like that, john b has saved the day, again.

[jinxsleftmiddlefinger]

timebomb highschool au

(part 2)

(pt1) (pt3) (read on ao3)

description: timebomb highschool au pretty much sums it up lol. there’s also canon storylines (vander death, vi conflict etc.) but translated into a modern context

warnings: none

As it turns out, Ekko and the blue haired girl really did have math together. When he first met her in the office, Ekko hadn’t known what to think. Obviously, when he first walked in, he thought she was hot. She was wearing a cute black crop top, her stomach was toned like she worked out everyday, her hair was in a pretty braid, and her face matched in perfect harmony.

As for her personality, she was certainly…eccentric. Ekko wasn’t exactly opposed to it, but he has always been described as a more ‘chill’ and ‘laid back’ guy, so their vibes were on two different sides of the chart.

Like she said she would, Jinx led him to class and sat him down at the desk right beside hers, smiling brightly. Everyone around them seemed to be looking back at Ekko, wondering Who is he? and the looking at Jinx like Who’d you bring back?

“New kid.” He saw Jinx mouth at a girl with red hair. He shifted his gaze to see her waggle her eyebrows and mouth. “He’s kinda…” The red headed girl waved her hand towards her face, fanning herself like she was overheated.

Ekko looked down, blushing. He didn’t look over to see Jinx’s response to that comment on his supposed attractiveness.

The class was easy, even though he was arriving late in the year. He understood the worksheet quickly. Although Ekko wouldn’t call himself a nerd or even say that he particularly liked school, it had always come easy to him.

“You’re doing a nice job there,” Jinx nodded towards his sheet. 

He shifted his eyes over to her paper. She was also almost done, and she looked to be doing good. “So are you.”

“Meh,” She shrugged. “Not really my thing. I’m more of a gadgets and science gal, you know what I mean?”

For a second, Ekko was distracted by the sound of her voice. It had a raspy quality to it, but it was still sweet, and-

He stopped himself. You don’t even know her, stupid.

“Yeah, uh,” He stumbled over his words. “I’m into that stuff too.”

He looked back down at his sheet.

“One year for the robotics contest, I built this totally sick robot. Won first place. But I rigged it so that it would explode pink and blue glitter all over the judges just as they were awarding it…they’re still finding it all over the gym.” She giggles.

Ekko looks at the girl beside him. Maybe she is a little crazy.

“Did they disqualify you?”

She laughs harder. “Nah. They were too distracted by being covered in glitter to even think about that damn contest anymore.” She looks up at the wall, seeming lost in thought. “It was totally worth it.”

Jinx smirks at him when they both get yelled at for talking in class.

Even though she is not in his next class, Jinx takes him there anyway. She gives him a quick rundown of how the school works; who to avoid, who to make friends with.

“Oh, and.” She stops in front of the classroom 09. “If you ever need help with getting into some trouble or anything, let me know. I have…connections with the faculty, like I said before.” She smiles at him one more time before she’s lost in the crowd of the hallway.

Walking into classroom 09 alone, Ekko realizes that without Jinx there to guide him, he feels like a fish out of water in Zaun High. Everyone certainly looks at him like a fish that’s walking.

At lunch, Ekko doesn’t go to the cafeteria. For one, he’s not entirely sure where it is, and also, he has no one to sit with. So instead, he sits in the halls and messes around on his phone.

A boy sits down beside him, and he looks like he’s a year older than Ekko. A senior.

“You the new kid?” This boy doesn’t bother with introductions.

“Yeah.” Ekko crosses his arms over his body protectively.

“Hm.” The boy pauses. “I saw you hanging out with Jinx. I don’t know what she told you, but she’s bad news, ok? And honestly, there’s some boys here who would beat the shit out of you for getting to close to her.”

Ekko doesn’t know how to respond before the boy is gone, disappearing into the halls just like Jinx did.

He only spends a little time thinking about what he told him. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t already deduced himself.

It wasn’t like he was actively seeking out Jinx anyway. But, if he was to bump into her again, well…he wouldn’t try to deter her.

[peachhcs]

i love your wonder years works!! i feel like you write young and pining will and samy sooooooo welll 🫶🏽 would love more of them and their friends in highschool they are so cute - (i just reread the jealousy blurbs). you are so talented 😊!!

aww wait i’m so happy to hear that bc i loveeeee writing the wonder years so much and i always feel like people don’t like it as much 🥹🥹 anyways you ask and you shall receive!!

i feel like most of the pining happens senior year because that’s when both of them have feelings for one another so here’s new year’s eve 2022 in samy’s basement where she has a bunch of people over to celebrate and her breakup with kevin is still somewhat fresh but will’s feelings are at an all time high (and so are samy’s!!)

warnings??: underage drinking, will lowkey being a perv by looking at samy constantly but like not because he’s also a 17 year old with a huge fat crush on his best friend

au masterlist

will seriously shouldn’t have come to this because how was he supposed to stay away from samy on new year’s eve with alcohol in his system knowing how good she looked standing five feet away from him, but she just broke up with kevin not that long ago and will was pretty sure it was really wrong to drunkingly make out with her like they sometimes did because she just went through a breakup.

he was so fucked.

the blonde tried keeping his eyes on gabe and drew where he stood with them talking in their small circle, but the urge to look over at the brunette was so much stronger. too strong. he peaked a glimpse and every time his breath hitched in his throat and his brain short circuited for a good five seconds when his eyes traveled the expanse of her outfit. her, marcie, lauren, and riley had a mix of similar outfits on, something they planned. will’s gaze was trained on her black mini skirt that was reused from halloween and her shiny, sequined long sleeve top where he could totally see her black bralette underneath.

he needed to stop looking. he was being weird and creepy and someone was definitely going to clock him on it if he didn’t quit it, so the blonde tore his gaze away again and tried focusing on the words leaving drew’s mouth.

“honestly, i think we’re gonna win the whole thing,” the taller brunette mumbled taking another sip of his drink.

will was pretty sure they were talking about u18 worlds in may. “i mean why wouldn’t we? we’ve got the best lines, the best defense, the best players. we’ve got nothing on them,” gabe listed off on his fingers.

the other thing will couldn’t shake from his mind was that kevin was here. samy still invited him since they were still friends and will knew he didn’t really have anything to worry about with him anymore, but he just couldn’t really shake the feeling of all three of them being in the same room knowing how tense things used to be. kevin was on the other end of the room talking with his soccer friends, very oblivious to will’s erratic heart beat and racing thoughts.

“i need another drink,” will muttered because he couldn’t focus on what his friends were talking about and he also just wanted another excuse to walk past samy and check her out without being too obvious.

he squeezed past her and she happened to look at him as he passed. she flashed a wide smile at the blonde and his knees almost gave out seeing that smile directed at him.

“you having fun?” she turned to talk to him for a second.

“yeah, this is great,” will nodded, forcing his eyes to stay on her face.

“i’m glad!” she turned back to her friends leaving will to continue to the drink table.

he mulled over his options when he got there wondering which one would maybe help him forget the feelings he had and make him remember that samy was strictly his best friend and would never see him as something more than that.

he hoped the high noon would do the trick.

“hey,” the voice snapped the hockey player from his thoughts. kevin stood beside him, eyeing the drinks too.

“hey?” will wondered what he wanted.

“maybe i just see it more now that samy and i aren’t together, but you’re really obvious,” kevin said.

“what?” the blonde was caught off guard.

“come on, man. it’s so obvious you have a thing for her. you’ve been staring at her for the past like..hour,” kevin laughed and will’s face flushed hot with embarrassment. was he really that obvious?

“well she doesn’t like me. she never will,” will took a large sip of the high noon to wash that thought away. he didn’t notice the way kevin grimaced because he actually did know how the soccer player felt, but he wasn’t that shitty to tell her secret.

“i mean how do you know that? you’ve never asked,” kevin said instead.

“you really think i’m gonna go up to her and ask? real funny, man,” never in a million years would will put everything on the line to ask samy if she liked him the way he did.

“i dunno. what’s it gonna hurt?”

“our friendship?” that felt like a given, but kevin just shrugged.

“all i’m saying is that i think everyone at this party knows you like her.”

“why are you being so nice to me? i thought you hated me,” will found this interaction weird because him and kevin have never been able to talk to each other like this.

“i’m just trying to make up for being shitty to you. trying to help is all,” the brunette mumbled and walked away before will could respond. he pinched his eyebrows together, watching as kevin went back to his friends in the corner.

what he didn’t know was that samy had been watching their entire interaction. as soon as kevin approached, her eyes were on the two like a hawk. she knew her and kevin were fine and he promised to leave will alone, but she still worried he’d get set off and do something stupid again. surprisingly, nothing happened and maybe kevin was gonna chill out from now on.

“you’re staring again,” marcie mumbled when she caught her friend’s eyes on will’s back. samy quickly snapped her attention back to the group.

“sorry,” the youngest hughes blushed.

“this is totally your chance. he’s been staring at you all night,” riley poked.

“no he hasn’t. you’re delusional,” the brunette shook her head, never believing her friends when they started saying stuff like that.

“i’m being serious! he totally thinks you look hot at least,” riley continued meaning samy’s outfit. all the soccer play did though was shake her head.

“he’ll never see me like that.”

“what about all that shit him and kevin argued about? wasn’t that about you?” lauren piped up.

“kevin says a lot of shit. will and i are just friends,” samy mumbled, drinking the rest of her “tropical, fruity” punch as marcie liked to call it that was just a huge mix of different chasers and vodka.

“i could not be friends with someone that i kiss when i’m drunk,” lauren shook her head, but samy quickly shushed her.

“shut up. we don’t talk about that,” her and will hadn’t even done that since summer because of her thing with kevin.

“i can’t wait for the day you two finally put your pride aside and realize how much you like one another,” marcie mumbled.

“i’m getting another drink,” samy determined because she desperately wanted to escape the conversation and will still hadn’t moved from the drink table.

she shuffled her way over there and leaned her head on will’s arm. “found you again,” she looked up at him with a smile.

“hi again,” the blonde chuckled, but internally he was freaking out.

“can you pour me so more punch?” samy pointed to the big bowl and held her cup out. will nodded.

“are you having fun at your own party?” he wondered

“i’m having a blast. best new year’s party don’t you think?” she wondered and will nodded again. he handed her cup back, unable to stop his gaze from dropping below her face for a split second to stare some more.

“i don’t think i’ve been to one as good as this,” the blonde admitted because he hadn’t really been to a party like this before. being in michigan with samy meant that she introduced him to a lot of random house parties her high school friends were throwing on the weekends.

“i’m honored. you flatter me,” the youngest hughes giggled.

that urge will’s had all night only got stronger standing so close to samy. he wanted to kiss her so bad, but he had to think better of it because he wasn’t a rebound and they were drunk (not like that’s ever stopped them before though).

“found anyone to kiss on new year’s yet?” samy teased and will flushed.

“i haven’t. have you?” he asked and hoped she would say no because will did not think he’d be able to handle it if he saw samy kissing someone that wasn’t him.

“nooo, i probably won’t kiss anyone. i’ll kiss my myself,” the girl giggled, the alcohol starting to talk for her.

“self-love is very important,” the blonde smiled hearing her little laugh and then took another big drink of the high noon because he couldn’t be having these thoughts.

if will had any new year’s resolutions it was that he needed to stop believing he had a chance with samy. maybe in 2023 he’d finally find someone that would get his mind off of her. (wrong)

“guys, it’s almost midnight!” someone yelled and then everyone turned their attention to the tv stream of the local ann arbor news that did their own countdown.

samy grabbed will’s hand to the tv so she could see better. the boy flushed feeling her hand in his and even worse when she didn’t let go.

“ten, nine, eight, seven..”

the countdown faded out of will’s ears because the only thing he could focus on was the girl beside him jumping with excitement about the new year. she squeezed his hand tighter when they got closer to 1 and everything in the hockey player was short circuiting.

“..three, two, one! happy new year!” the whole basement erupted in cheers as everyone jumped onto one another in excitement.

a few people kissed because of the alcohol buzzing through their systems and will was caught off guard again when samy jumped into his arms screaming in his ear.

“happy new year!” she smiled widely and will couldn’t help but smile back.

“happy new year,” he said and his stomach flipped when he watched her gaze drift down to his lips briefly. was he seeing things or did she actually do that?

he didn’t have time to question it because samy jumped towards her friends before he could even say something. will watched her hug marcie, lauren, and riley when his friends went over to him. they excitedly jumped onto his back and the boy because immersed in their excitement, the thoughts of samy almost kissing him leaving his brain as he celebrated with the boys.

[milkoomi]

₊˚⊹ ᰔ a guide to maintaining financial wellness ᝰ.ᐟ

having good money habits can be insanely difficult. i know i personally struggle with impulsive spending, and i’m sure we’ve all fallen victim to the “i’m just treating myself” mindset. financial stress and even financial depression can feel so daunting and overwhelming, so i’m here to help you guys (and myself as well) manage your money better!

let’s begin !!

ᝰ.ᐟ set aside funds

it’s important that when every paycheck hits your bank account to immediately set aside some funds into your savings account. whether it’s 10-20% of your paycheck or even $20-$100, set aside some money into your savings!

it also might help to have that savings account be locked so that you can still put money in, but you can’t take money out. let that savings amount pile up and don’t touch it until you’re absolutely ready to make that big purchase!

ᝰ.ᐟ set aside any cash

get a piggybank or even one of those money organizing binders to set aside any cash that may come your way! keep that cash away from your wallet so you won’t be tempted to use it in any outside purchases. and, same as the first point, that cash will start to pile up!

ᝰ.ᐟ purchase needs rather than wants

let’s start getting out of that “i’m gonna treat myself” mindset!! while it’s nice to treat yourself, we really should only be doing it every once in a while. we can also find different ways of treating/rewarding ourselves that don’t require spending any money! (i can make a separate blog post on this if you guys would like!)

especially when you’re trying to save up for school, a new apartment, a new car, or whatever it may be, it’s really important to keep your purchases to only things that are absolutely necessary.

ᝰ.ᐟ keep track of automatic payments

especially if you have a subscription of any kind, keep track of when those automatic deductions from your account are happening. make note of when your next billing date is and how much you’re being charged for each month/year.

this would also be a good way to determine what subscriptions you really need/want to keep and which ones you can do without and unsubscribe to! i did a full cleanse of my subscriptions list and kept the ones i definitely wanted to keep. sometimes you never really realize how much money your losing when you’re subscribed to things that have no use to you anymore!

ᝰ.ᐟ plan accordingly

when your paycheck comes in and you have all these payments that are coming up yet you still need to buy groceries or get gas or whatever, make sure to plan your funds ahead of time! this way, it’ll help you budget for your groceries & any other necessities as well as help you determine how much money you can set aside into your savings and even calculate how much extra funds you might have to spend on for more personal things!

𝜗𝜚 final notes 𝜗𝜚

don’t let these tips make you feel like you can’t treat yourself to something! as i mentioned earlier, you can still treat yourself to nice things, but it might be best to do it once in a while! i know most of us associate success with money, and to reach success with money we have to learn to be more mindful about how we spend our money and how we manage it.

live and love, babe.

sincerely, juno ⭑.ᐟ

[ameliathornromance]

Tw: Reader feels ashamed about her body and about stretch marks (this post is really self indulgent) but Orc Bf is a chad who tells her off about putting herself down!!!

Your reflection stared back at you in the mirror. Standing in front of it, only in your undergarments, you narrowed your eyes at the jagged red marks that stretched at the top of your thighs.

They’re disgusting you think, revolting. Placing your hands on top of them, you try to picture your body without them. Smooth like glazed clay.

In your minds eye, you look so much happier without them. You imagined yourself in shorts, rushing through a field, frolicking so freely.

An annoyed sigh escaped you when you removed your hands and found that your visualisation hadn’t done anything to make the marks magically vanish.

“What’s got you sighing like that?”

From the bed, your Orc Boyfriend looked up from his book upon hearing your irritated exhale.

“It’s these.” You jabbed a finger at the effected skin. “They’re so horrible to look at. They look like bruises.”

“You didn’t do anything to hurt yourself, did you?” Your boyfriend asked. You knew he was trying to be helpful, offer some alternative explanation to them. But his question still irked you.

“Why on earth would I do something to make these?” You snapped. Seeing his shocked reflection in the mirror, you apologised. “Sorry… It’s just… I know no one else will see them much or even comment on them, but they make me feel so ugly. They’re only stretch marks, but…” You trailed off.

After a moment, your Orc snapped the book in his hands shut and swung his legs off the side of the bed. “Come over here.” He said, beckoning you over.

Frowning, you walked to the bed and stood in front of your Boyfriend. Taking your hands in his, he locked eyes with you. “You’re not ugly. I know it feels like it, but you’re not.”

You pursed your lips, “I just wish they’d go away. I don’t even know how they got there.”

“And sometimes you don’t and that’s okay, so don’t be harsh on your body for it.” He squeezed your hands tightly. “Bodies are weird and strange and they do things that sometimes we don’t understand. They change all the time and that’s normal.”

Running a thumb across the back of your hand, he continued. “Even though you have those scars, you are still beautiful. You don’t think I’m any uglier because of my scars do you?” He pointed to the jagged moss green slashes that sliced up the front of his chest, blotches of scar tissue from arrows that had been lodged into his muscle along with an array of other cuts that have their own gruesome stories to accompany them.

Your jaw dropped, eyebrows shooting up in horror. “No! Gosh no, I wasn’t trying to imply that-”

Your boyfriend chuckled and pulled you into a hug. “I know, I know. That wasn’t a good joke, sorry.” He looked up at you, “but you get the point, right?”

Nodding, your cheeks reddened. “But my scars aren’t the same as yours, they’re not-”

“I won’t let you put yourself down anymore. Stop it.” Your Orc said firmly. “I’ll keep telling you until you believe it yourself: you’re beautiful as you are. Say it back to me.”

You spluttered, before sighing. You repeated the words back, “… I’m beautiful as I am.”

A smile graced your boyfriends lips. “That’s my love.”

The heat in your cheeks rising again, you mumbled. “You’re beautiful too.”

Your Orc laughed as you wrapped your arms around his head and held him close to your chest. “Thank you love.”

Hi! Thank you so much for reading my story! If you like this kind of content, you should check out my Patreon! There, I post stories twice a week and earlier than I post on Tumblr. I also post exclusive stories there too where you won’t be able to find anywhere else.

A/N: There's no longer a 7 day free trial enabled on Patreon, those who have already signed up however, will still finish out their trial.

Also PT2 of The Other Woman will hopefully be out next Friday :)

Taglist <3

@sunndust @greenie-c

[dynamightwrites]

the mistake!

The mistake was deciding to leave work early so you could surprise Gojo with a home cooked meal after being away for a week due to a mission.You couldn’t even enjoy the meal you had been slaving away for hours.Throwing away your hard work, thinking that Gojo did not deserve any of your efforts after you had waited two hours for him. 

You didn’t cry after you had found out your boyfriend wouldn’t come home for another week because you were too busy being angry that he didn’t even bother to message you about being late.

You hear the apartment door open, not even bothering to look at him. You continue to clean all the dishes; wanting so badly to just finish cleaning and take off the stupid dress you had bought for him. 

“Y/N.” 

“Shut up” you say not wanting to speak at him 

“Y/N.” he says again

“No, don’t Y/N me you’re late.” 

“I know and I’m sorry which is why I’m here” 

“Do you really know though?”

“Yes I’m late to our dinner but that doesn’t mean we can’t still-” Gojo says with annoyance

“No we can’t.” you say not letting him finish

“Why not, it’s what we always do when a mission runs a little longer than expected” 

“You’re so stupid, do you not realize what day it is?” fighting to not cry because you know he won’t know the answer. He stares at you confusedly waiting for you to tell him what he’s missing. God you hated how he wasn’t even trying to think what was so wrong. You hated how he was expecting you to just tell him. He doesn’t realize that he can’t just have this dinner when it’s 12:37 am, no longer your third year anniversary together.

You were tired of this, tired of him never trying in this relationship anymore. You thought maybe just maybe he would remember, but ever since the incident he has been so distant with you. 

Almost as if he was blaming you for losing the baby, you tried so hard to keep pushing for this relationship but it’s like you don’t know who he is anymore. Trying so hard to keep this relationship alive, having it go back to the way it once was. When he wouldn’t leave for work without a goodbye kiss, he surprised you at work during your lunch hour, his constant of having to hold you or touch you when you were in the same room. Now you’re lucky to even be given a quick kiss every once and a while, he doesn’t visit you anymore and it’s like he tries to avoid being touched by you. 

“It was our three year anniversary” you couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. He stares at you with no words to say. You had officially given up, wanting to take off your makeup you had tried so hard for him, take off the stupid dress you had bought for him. 

Leaving him in the living room you head to your shared room and grab the suitcase and pack it with as much of your belongings. Gojo rushes in and yells at you to stop but you scream no. He tries to grab a hold of your hands to stop you, trying to tug away from his grip. His touch had felt like you were on fire, the room began to feel like it was closing in on you. 

“STOP, STOP, STOP IT.” you scream to which he slowly lets you go, you’re both standing face to face with one another. 

“For the past six months you have been acting like I don’t even exist, you don’t even try in this relationship anymore.” 

“That’s not true.” 

“Oh really? We haven’t been the same since I had a miscarriage and when I needed you the most you left. I can’t even look at the room we were setting up for the baby anymore because it hurts but you wouldn’t know.” he doesn’t say a word. 

“You wouldn’t know because you left me, and I have been trying for the both of us, but you don’t even care anymore and don’t even try to lie to me that you do because you don’t. Satoru, I am tired.” You wait, waiting for him to say anything but he doesn’t. Not even looking at you anymore, you grow even more frustrated and leave without clothes. He doesn’t even stop you when you're at the door, you don’t even think he realizes that you have your foot out of the door, and with that you leave with the clothes you still have on trying to impress him, your tears ruining your makeup and nowhere to go.

Authors note: Lmao I lowkey don't really like this but I just wanted to write angst, I could've done better but I spent like only 1-2 hours writing this while waiting for my laundry to finish in the dryer so whatever.

[i-love-lilies]

Se-mi x OC Anything for you - Chapter two

Hihihi it started to get interesting

The man was in front of the groupe, explaining the game.

« Green light red light ? Again ? Is it always the first game ? » my dad just nodded and shush me. I couldn’t believe that I was here, looking at this horrible game. How could they handle that. How could I just watch it and do nothing ? I just was a monster just like them, nothing different from them. The game start, it’s so boring. The game are long and nothing really happen. I look at my phone again, no message, shit. I think she’s really angry.

The first player been eliminated, a woman, more or less my age i would say. And then people started to scream and run, of course been eliminated too. It’s always the same, every single years. They didn’t know they could die, no one explain that to us before accept to play the game and when 456 try, they didn’t believe him. Of course they didn’t, that crazy, why people would do that to them ? People like me, like my father or our host. For money, like them, it’s always for money. All the collaborators worked on the game, it organizations and to chose different games. The entertainment is not for us at first, but for again more wealthy people than us, the VIP. Psycho…I look at the screen, a lot of eliminated player were at the back of the play room. All died.

I didn’t pay much attention to the end of the game, I didn’t want to watch that and when it finally end I realize that our host wasn’t here anymore. My dad stood up so I follow him and we go talk about this first game with the other collaborators.

« I think 456 will be a problem this year, he’s not here for the money… » said my dad

« For sure, but I’m sure the frontman will do something, he won’t be a problem longer. » respond a woman. Of course, if this man cause too much problems, he will quickly been eliminated for a strange reason. I take a look to the screen, players were on their dormitory. They started to become agitated, but then, the piggy bank started to fill up with wad of bills.

« So, the frontman have a surprise for you, but before that, the players choose to vote. If the majority decide to leave, they will leave. » said the waiters. That was interesting, with a little bit of luck I will return home soon to see Se-mi and apologize to her.

The first man who vote was 456, and he choose to stop. I don’t understand, he already win the game, come again even if he know what happen and then just stop at the first game ? The score was tight, like really tight and player go one by one vote. I could understand they wanted to stay, they all need this money and the price they could have if they go now is not enough. But why staying and die when you can just go and survive.

I start to feel weird, I have a very bad feeling. Not just that the majority would stay… no, more. Like a curse. Something is happening and I don’t know what or how it would be terrible. But the only thing that I know for sure is that is bad.

« Player 380 » call the guy with a square mask. Player 380 move forward to the machine and…

« Oh fuck. » it was Se-mi. I feel my legs shaking, no, it’s impossible. She couldn’t do that to me. I need her to be alive. I just couldn’t hear the world around me. But it was crashing around me, breaking my peace and my heart. I just can’t loose her. My heartbeat and my breath go faster, and a deep anger take my stomach. My eyes started watering and my mouth was shaking. That bitch go to those stupid game without telling me, and she will die here. She have to choose X, to go home and survive. She’s not that idiot to continue. I propose to pay all her debt, she didn’t need to stay. Nor to go to those stupid games !

O

I close my eyes and lower my head. « Fucking slut… why ? » a tears running down my cheek. I could do anything for her and she just go kill herself without telling me ?

« Everything is going right honey ? » ask my dad

« Yes sure » I said between my teeth.

I can’t let her kill herself, if she has to stay in I would do anything to make her leave this place.

I need to talk to the frontman,

I’m sure that with a bit of money he would let her go… maybe a lot. But I’ll give him whatever he want to let her leave. Scores was equals when the last player been called, « Player 001 ». A man move forward, like the other before him. And without real hesitation press O, just like Se-mi. Oh shit… Okay, I really need to talk to the frontman.

But when the man look at the other players and so, the camera that we were watching them with. I see him, the frontman. The frontman was on the game. The world was moving around me, how could I get Se-mi out of this place without him. The others collaborators started to speak, chocked, just like me.

« Why would he do that ? » « Oh my god… did he want to die ? » « what madness » « that incredible » « very good surprise. »

Everyone was thinking something different, when one was questioning his idea to go to the game, other were impressed and were laughing.

« He would never disappoint us ! »

He’s an idiot too, how could I get out Se-mi if his on the game too ?

—> Master list

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

Hi!

⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️

⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️

⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️⛅️ &

🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓

thank you!!

Hi!

I finished the last two but here are the rest :)

51 for ⚡️:

---

“I’m fine, really. Just some adjustments to make, going forward. But it came at a decent time.” 

“A decent time?” Eddie echoes. 

“We’re losing a Battalion Chief,” Bobby says. “He’s going on long term disability. I’ve been asked to replace him.”

“Wow,” Eddie says. “I mean, wow. Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Bobby nods.

“Buck’s still going to have an aneurysm,” Eddie says. “But I’m glad it’s good news.”

“Well, he may have another thing to freak out about,” Bobby says. 

“What do you mean?” Eddie asks.

“I’d like you to come with me,” Bobby says. “To Emergency Operations.”

Eddie coughs. “What? I… To do what?”

Bobby smiles patiently. “One of the initiatives the brass is talking about is training more specialized Incident Commanders. People who have experience with specific levels of disaster. Especially with the rise in environmental emergencies. Your name has been brought up as someone to start in this new training program.”

“My name?” Eddie asks.

“Yes,” Bobby nods. “Captain Yardley is on the task force responsible for the project. He’s taken a liking to you. Asked me what I thought. I said I thought you were an excellent choice.”

Eddie doesn’t know how to feel about it. He doesn’t even know what it entails. But to be chosen for something new and big and helpful… That’s a very cool feeling. 

“I… Thank you,” Eddie says. “Thank you, Bobby.”

Bobby nods. “On top of that, I think it would be a good move for you, Eddie.”

“It’s a great career opportunity,” Eddie says, nodding.

“Not just that,” Bobby says. 

Eddie looks at him, waiting for whatever additional reasoning he has.

“You’re not happy here anymore,” Bobby says. 

Eddie winces. “Is it that obvious?”

Bobby nods. “Unfortunately, yes. But… But I think I was confused about why at first.”

---

51 for ⚖️:

---

“Eddie, uh, is that a good idea?” Buck asks.

“She’s been lying to me!"

“Okay, I know. I agree. But if Chris hears you…”

He stops, trailing off. He remembers the fight that he saw. The one Christopher will overhear. Oh. That’s this. That has to be this. Which means Buck can’t stop it. Which means he probably doesn’t want to stop it. Not if it’s part of Chris coming home. 

“Nevermind,” Buck says. “You’re right. You deserve the truth."

He feels sick, giving him advice he believes is wrong. Damaging even. But there’s an end goal to consider.  

⚖️

It’s bad. 

Buck knew it would be bad. Had seen it would be bad. But he’s still surprised at how bad it is. 

The thing is, if you ask Buck, Eddie is someone gentle and steady. Calm. Less prone to overreaction than himself. He forgets, sometimes, the way Eddie holds so much inside, that when he’s pushed to an edge, he explodes. And when Eddie accuses his mother of misleading him, only to have her hurl accusations back, everyone sort of explodes. 

Buck is no stranger to fighting with parents. And honestly? He’s not even a stranger to this style of it. Parents ganging up, lobbing insults, holding years and years of mistakes over their son’s head. Hmmm. The Buckleys and the Diazes are never allowed to meet. 

Honestly, Buck is even prepared to fight with Eddie. Ride or die. He knows how to piss parents off. He can stand beside Eddie and join the fray. 

Only, a few minutes into the shouting, and Buck notices what the others don’t. Because Buck has already seen it.  

Christopher, poking his head around the hallway corner, eavesdropping.

Well, is it really eavesdropping if everyone is being so loud? It’s just ensuring he hears clearly. 

No one, not even Eddie, seems to notice Buck stepping away from the argument to walk down the hall towards Christopher. Chris steps back around the wall, like he can pretend he wasn’t spying. But Buck isn’t going to get him in trouble.

[grantbond]

“Stella…” Grayson started, his voice low and steady, a contrast to the turmoil she felt. He reached out gently, trying to reassure her without overwhelming her. “I know you’re scared. I can see it. But we’ll figure this out together. You don’t have to go through this alone.” His tone was firm, but there was a softness there, a tenderness that only she could see. He wanted her to know that, no matter what, he wasn’t going anywhere. He wasn’t just going to walk away, even if she tried to push him away for her own sake. When she mentioned Trevor coming after him, the thought made his stomach twist, but he didn’t let it show. Instead, he tightened his grip on her hand, giving her a soft but reassuring squeeze. “You’re not going to lose me, Stella. Not over him, not over anything,” he said, his words steady and sincere. "I'll phone the cops on his ass if he tries anything with any of us." Her thank you hit him like a wave, making his chest tighten. He had no idea what it meant to her, what she was really going through. He wished he could do more, say the right words that would make the fear in her eyes disappear, but all he could offer was himself, and for now, that had to be enough. He met her gaze, his voice soft as he replied, “You don’t have to thank me. I’m not doing this for repayment, Stella. I’m doing this because you matter. Because I care.” He didn’t need her gratitude. He just needed her to trust him, to believe that this wasn’t just something he was doing out of obligation, but out of choice. Out of love. As they approached the door, Grayson noticed the hesitation in her step, the way her shoulders tensed. He didn’t need her to explain why she was asking for his jacket—he could see the terror in her eyes. She was trying to protect him, but it wasn’t just herself she was worried about anymore. It was him too. And that thought, that she cared enough to consider his safety, made his heart ache. “Of course,” he said immediately, pulling his jacket off and draping it over her shoulders. His hands brushed against her skin, lingering just for a moment before he pulled away. “No one’s going to hurt you, not while I’m here.” His voice was calm, even as the gravity of her situation settled over him. He wanted to protect her, keep her safe, and if wearing his jacket helped, then it was a small price to pay. When she spoke again, her words faltered, filled with so much shame that it twisted Grayson’s gut. He didn’t need to think twice about it—he had already made his decision. "Stella, stop," he interrupted gently but firmly, his hand tightening around hers. "I don’t care about money. I don’t care about any of that. I care about you." His eyes softened as he leaned in slightly, his voice dropping to a whisper. "You don’t have to pay me back for anything. You just have to let me help you. You don’t owe me anything. You’re not a burden, Stella, and you never will be." His thumb gently traced the back of her hand, reassuring her in the only way he knew how. "I'm not walking away from this or you. We're going to walk together to my car I'm taking you home for however long you need. I don't have a time limit - you can continue to stop there." Grant didn't see it as a burden. He was one man living in a two bedroom house. If Stella needed company for a couple of nights - he didn't mind staying in the same room and putting a pillow and a blanket on the floorboards so she knew she nothing was going to happen there. "You deserve to feel at peace, Stella."

stella wasn’t in a good place. she wasn’t sure how she’d even gotten here today, sitting beside grant, confiding in him about the things she’d kept hidden for so long. if it weren’t for him noticing the bruises, she probably wouldn’t have said anything. she would’ve just kept going, surviving in silence. but something about the way he told her she’d be fine made her believe him. even if she was terrified. "but i feel like i have to worry," she murmured, her voice trembling as she clutched her bag tighter. "he’s not going to care who you are, or if you can take him. he’ll be mad. really mad. not just at me but at you, too." her eyes flicked to grant, filled with fear and guilt. she couldn’t stop imagining the worst—trevor coming after him, hurting him because of her. the thought made her stomach churn. "if something happens to you because of me..." she trailed off, unable to finish the thought. grant’s words about not being a burden felt kind, but she couldn’t quite believe them. still, she nodded, not wanting to argue. everything felt like it was moving too fast. was she really doing this? leaving trevor after years of enduring his control, his anger, his fists? she couldn’t wrap her mind around it. the only thing that kept her moving was grant. he was the reason she was here, the reason she might actually have a chance to break free. she glanced at him as he reassured her again, his calm presence anchoring her as she fumbled to turn off her phone. after a moment of hesitation, she threw it into her bag and grabbed his hand, clutching it tightly. her fingers trembled against his, but she didn’t let go. she couldn’t. “thank you,” she said softly, her voice breaking. the words felt so small compared to what he was doing for her. she didn’t know how she’d ever repay him for helping her, for pulling her out of the hell she’d been trapped in. as they approached the door, she hesitated. “do you mind if i borrow your jacket or sweatshirt? i just... i want to throw the hood over my head,” she asked, her voice quiet, almost ashamed. it wasn’t because of grant—she wasn’t embarrassed to be seen with him. it was the terror of trevor, or someone who knew trevor, spotting her. she didn’t want to risk it. not for herself, but for him. she couldn’t bear the thought of trevor hurting grant. she’d spent years not caring what happened to herself, but grant? he mattered. she couldn’t let him get hurt because of her. “grant...” she stopped short just before they reached the door. her grip on his hand tightened. “i don’t have any money. or anything. he was in charge of all my accounts... everything.” her voice cracked as she exhaled shakily. "are you sure you can do this? i won’t be able to help you. or pay for anything. it’s not fair to ask you to do all this for me." she shook her head, her face filled with shame. "you’re not a bad person if you think twice about it. i wouldn’t blame you if you walked away." but she prayed he wouldn’t. because if he did, she wasn’t sure she’d survive.

[parisiangiraffe]

Tbh, I probably shouldn’t have come back. My mental health is still absolute shit. See you later? Maybe never?

[the-worms-in-your-bones]

Me seeing someone with a cool name: oooooo, what if

Another part of my brain: no. we spent enough time getting to Jonah. we’re not doing it again