#I don’t really drink ever and I take a medication that makes alcohol fuck you UP fast so I’m like. aggrhh

[tummysmoocher]

Drank a little too much wine. Room cleaning paused because I don’t want to anymore. Time to Write

[leaderwonim]

LET THE BEST PLAYER WIN.

pairing: tennisplayer!sunghoon x film major!fem!reader

summary: everybody knew park sunghoon, the tennis player at harvard that was most likely going to go pro as soon as he graduated. determined to get closer to him to gather videos for her final, film student nishimura yn tries to find out more about the infamous tennis player everybody seemed to talk about.

warnings: mentions of excessive drinking and smoking (please don’t do any, your bodies are precious 🙏), they’re both lowk bad people LOL, nonconsensual filming (not sexually)

“Whoa there,” you say, camera loosely hanging around your neck as you watch Park Sunghoon slam his racket on the floor till the strings popped out.

“What?!” He screamed, eyes practically bulging out of their sockets. He takes a deep breath, realizing that he has too much of a reputation to lose it over too little of frustration.

“Hey, don’t mind me.” You lift your hands in surrender, “just gotta film something for my final, you know.”

“Film major?” Sunghoon scoffs, throwing his now broken racket to the side as he shuffles through his gym bag for another. “Funny.”

“Very funny,” you shrug. “When I get into a big studio and start making films that blows up Hollywood, Park.”

“I’m just saying,” Sunghoon doesn’t look at you, instead focusing on his footwork. “You got into Harvard and you’re doing film?”

“You got into Harvard by doing tennis.” You snark back. “I think we’re on the same page.”

Sunghoon laughs, and it’s the first time you’ve ever heard such thing from the boy. The only things you do hear is his groans of frustration and grunts as he hits the ball back and forth.

“Not bad,” he compliments you, finally deciding to turn over. “Want to get beer tonight?”

“I thought athletes don’t drink?” You sit up straight from your previous position on one of the plastic chairs placed near the players that oversaw the whole tennis court.

“Pft, which liar told you that?” Sunghoon packs away his things, and despite having played for 3 hours, he still looks as good as ever. “How do you think I keep sane in tennis? Medication? Fuck no.”

For the first time, you see a glint in Sunghoon’s eyes, one that wasn’t the competitive glint he wore like a blood sucking cheetah every tournament.

By the end of the night, you realize that Park Sunghoon can really drink.

He’s downed 6 shots already, but his face is still as bright as ever. In fact, he asks for three more.

“The adrenaline is similar to playing tennis.” He says with his oh so cheeky smile.

As soon as the server passes Sunghoon his drinks, he wraps one arm around your shoulder, cheering, “to Nishimura Y/N, the film major at Harvard!”

You laugh, pointing your camera at his smiling face. He’s too drunk to notice you recording, swaying you side to side as the alcohol consumes his living thoughts.

🎾 ⊹ ‧

You’re pleasantly surprised when Park Sunghoon invites you to one of his matches. It’s not a state competition—but it’s his competition that he invited you to nonetheless.

Your eyes rush back and forth from Sunghoon to his opponent, the ball stroke faster and faster until your head starts hurting from cranking too close. It was a match against Stanford, Sunghoon was playing against a girl named Kelsley Aptos, who was stunning enough to make your film pop.

You cracked your neck before taking out your camera, recording the two competing. As soon as Kelsley misses the ball, you stop filming, standing up to applaud Sunghoon.

The girl isn’t happy, in fact, she’s almost furious with the way her lip twitches. But she does as any good sport would do, shake Sunghoon’s hand and tell him good game.

“I like your skirt,” Sunghoon tells her, licking his lips which were now dry from all the playing. “It’s pretty.”

“Well thanks Park,” she replies. “I like your stance.”

You’ll never understand the way athletes compliment each other—and hell you probably never will since you’ve practically signed your life to the film industry.

He grins, then makes his way to you. “You see how I beat Aptos? She was great, stunning.”

You don’t know why your stomach churns at the way he describes her. Was it jealousy? It couldn’t be; you barely knew Sunghoon, so why the hell were you genuinely upset over him calling Kelsley Aptos stunning?

“C’mon,” he draws you to his side, way too close for two people who’ve only gotten to know each other in the span of two days. “I believe we have to celebrate with drinks.”

🎾 ⊹ ‧

If there’s one thing about Park Sunghoon that you’re utterly confused by is his lack of self control.

On the court, he’s insane, unbeatable, practically a God in the world of tennis. But after tennis, after the matches, he’s chugging down as many alcoholic beverages as he can take, which is far too many a person—much less a college athlete—should inhale.

Sunghoon liked it though. He liked the way the liquor burned as it went down his throat, he liked the way it cooled in his body and how lightheaded he felt everytime he’d drink. When he wasn’t drinking, he was smoking.

You two were perched on lawn chairs, on opposite ends of each other. The chairs oversaw the beach near Harvard, and you could hear the whoosh of the waves as it drew closer.

“Your coach would kill you,” you said, grinning as you watched him inhale the cigarette. He’s not sober, clearly, but his stamina is good enough that he could make out his surroundings and conversations.

“He totally would.”

You perch your camera up on your knee, secretly recording Sunghoon as he leaned his head against the chair. Although he claims he’s so out of it, he looks so beautiful.

“Will you teach me tennis one day, Park?”

He lifts his head up slightly, eyes making direct contact with yours. “Will you teach me film?”

You nod, and he does too.

“Then it’s a deal Nishimura.”

🎾 ⊹ ‧

Sunghoon is a bad influence.

You can tell now that you’ve known him for a month and by the way he drags you into parties, your little camera still dangling around your neck like it was engraved there.

“You know what they would say if they saw Harvard’s precious athlete partying his ass off on a Wednesday night?” Sunghoon yells over the music.

“What?” You yell back.

“How preposterous!”

The two of you giggle loudly at that, bodies so close to each other that it looks like you’re making out to anyone who wasn’t closely paying attention.

“Hey Y/N,” he says, and as you look up, his eyes are already meeting yours. “I like you a lot.”

You smile at that, letting Sunghoon lean in and kiss you right there and then.

It just felt right. So right. Like a missing piece of a puzzle was finally discovered.

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

“Yes.”

🎾 ⊹ ‧

It feels like you’re discovering a new piece of Park Sunghoon everyday as you get to know more of him.

He was no longer Harvard star tennis player Park Sunghoon, but your boyfriend Park Sunghoon.

It felt weird, but giddy. Girls who had thrown themselves on him before backed off with fury, wondering why a random film student of all people got with their beloved athlete.

You don’t mind that Sunghoon loves tennis, you really don’t. You know he wants to go pro, it’s all he’s ever talked about on your dates and calls.

“I’m gonna make it to the Olympics.” He says. “You’ll see.”

“I’m sure I will Hoonie.”

What you do mind is the fact that Sunghoon loves tennis too much. His fixation with the sport concerns you, but that’s just what happens when you’ve been playing since you were 3, isn’t it? The sport becomes one with you.

“Park Sunghoon! How was your match?” The interviewer asks, shoving his microphone into Sunghoon’s face.

“Oh it was great man, lovely weather.”

“Mhm, a great warm glow over Boston today! Have you always loved tennis this much?”

“Yes, honestly, tennis is my number one. It’s the reason I breathe and live today.”

He doesn’t mention anything about you when asked about what he loved. He never did. It was always the same thing.

Tennis, tennis, tennis.

If you hadn’t seen the red flags that were ringing before, you clearly were now.

“Are you seriously upset I didn’t mention you in my interview?” Sunghoon asks, biting into his apple angrily.

“Yes! It’d be nice for you to mention me once in your interview but you never do! It’s always the same bullshit Hoon!”

“I love tennis, why can’t I talk about it? It’s what the people want! They watch me for tennis, they don’t watch me for some stupid relationship.”

“Oh, so this is relationship is stupid to you now?”

“You’re twisting my words and you fucking know it.”

You and Sunghoon haven’t talked in over a week. All because you had practically begged him just to talk about you once. Was it so hard for him to show appreciation to his own girlfriend?

It didn’t help when you went to try and visit him on the court, practicing what you were going to say. He was already too engrossed in his conversation with Kelsley Aptos, their proximity dangerously close.

Fine. You think. If Park Sunghoon wants to play this way, we can fucking play it this way.

The next thing you knew, the headlines were filled with PARK SUNGHOON, HARVARD STAR ATHLETE CAUGHT EXCESSIVELY DRINKING AND SMOKING, blaring all over Boston, with the clips from your camera being right on the front page.

[lizzieisright]

Stop the world (I wanna get off with you)

masc!reader x fem!Abby

Palestine: what can you do

Summary: You're tired of all this mandatory social stuff during another charity gala you attend. You watch Abby and wish for the time to stop so you two can have a moment.

Tags: Rich reader wears tuxedo, no other descriptions otherwise. Abby wears a dress (and she looks fucking stunning). For smut in the second half: fingering (r!abby), oral (r!abby), no power dynamics.

Notes: I blame Arctic Monkeys for this. (it wasn't even supposed to have smut, but I got carried away.)

/-/-/-/-/-/

It's been two hours since the gala started. You don't like those things: your social battery dies after the fifth person starts small talking with you - but you visit them anyway. It's for the greater good and you love charity, especially since your successful business lets you earn more money than you'd ever need in this lifetime - so you put them to work.

There's also two other, smaller reasons why you visit these events, and they're personal to you.

The first reason is vain. It's an excuse to wear the finest tuxedo you have - even though right now your bow-tie is undone and lies on your collarbone quite fashionably, and you can't be bothered to stand up from your seat as you nurse your non-alcoholic drink and stare at the most expensive pair of leather shoes you own. You're tired and ready to go home, but you catch the glimpse of yourself in the mirror and smirk - you look hot. Hot and rich. Your ego can’t get bigger.

The second reason has been going around the room talking to people and laughing, holding a glass of champagne and barely drinking from it. 

The second reason is wearing a gorgeous silk golden dress that shows off her cleavage, her shoulders, her waist and her long legs. Her hair is plaited into a fluffy braid which makes it look weightless and beautiful. Your second reason looks like an amazonian goddess and you can’t take your eyes off of her. 

You kinda wish the world would just stop for the two of you. 

Abby catches your gaze and smiles - you smile back and raise your glass. You don’t want to go and talk - she is really the only person you like in this room - and you’d prefer to have your conversation private; although getting Abby alone isn't easy to do when she is working. Abby chuckles at your tortured expression but goes back to the conversation, nods as she listens. 

Abby is magnificent and you admire her for what she does: she is very successful for her age, one of the leading doctors in the hospital that is hosting the gala. It’s rare when you could see her in anything else than scrubs, let alone a beautiful dress, and you don’t even feel bad about it - Abby wears scrubs because she helps people. She saves lives. All these fancy dinners and galas and dresses are tools for her to help her cause - to create more charity programs, to get medication more accessible, to get medical care accessible. There are no words to describe your admiration for Abby, but you hope your actions show enough. 

So you don't distract Abby from doing her work, but keep watching her from afar, enjoying her every move, every curve that this dress shows, every flick of her braid and every sparkle of her eyes. She is just so fucking beautiful. 

Half an hour later you start to get a little impatient - so you go to the balcony to let your ears rest from the whole buzz around you. You’re tempted to find Abby at this point, but she finds you first. You hear the clicking of her heels on the marble and smile before turning to face her. 

“Hi.” Abby says sweetly and you melt. 

“Hi.” You say almost dreamily, as if you can't believe she is here. 

You take your jacket off to put it around her shoulders, and Abby blushes, beautiful pink highlights her freckles. You watch her in adoration and she blushes harder when she notices the depth of tenderness and love in your eyes.

“You look gorgeous.” You tell her and Abby can’t keep herself from smiling, a little shy. “I’m glad you decided to wear a dress today.”

“If it wasn’t for you, I don’t think I would’ve dared to.” Abby says. She is impossibly cute when her youngish shyness takes a hold of her. “I still have to meet some people.” 

“Yeah. We’ve got people to see, places to go. I know.” You chuckle and caress Abby’s cheek reverently. She closes her eyes for a moment, basking in your touch. “I wish we could just stop the world and get off.”

Abby laughs quietly, a melodic sound that feels like home. 

“I love your tuxedo.” Abby admits and toys with the ends of your bow-tie. “It does look better undone.” There’s a small implication of something dark and hot in her words and you feel the fire starting in your lower stomach.

“Love, you’re impossible.” You sigh, not letting yourself gently grab Abby by her hips. Not the time, not the place. “You have to meet some people, remember?”

“Yes.” Abby grins and gives your jacket back. Her perfume and your cologne are now mixed and you love it. “Maybe there is someone you’d like to talk to as well?”

“With the exception of you, I dislike everyone in the room.” You deadpan and Abby laughs.

You follow Abby inside anyway and now you have her on your arm, her forearm resting on yours. You’re tired, but Abby is tired too, and you support her as she goes on the last round of meeting and talking and telling people about her projects. Abby is very determined and passionate about her work, and you chuckle in your head - you have enough money to spoil Abby for the rest of her life, and you honestly dreamt about it: just having a housewife to take care of - but instead the love of your life is a constantly exhausted overworked doctor who wants the best for people. The irony of the situation never fails to amuse you. 

“It was nice to meet you, Dr. Anderson.” The last person on Abby’s list tells her and you sigh in relief. “You’re doing very important work for all of us.”

“Thank you. It was nice to meet you as well.” Abby smiles politely and you finally walk her away from the crowd.

You put your jacket around Abby’s shoulders again and support her as you lead her to the car. You can’t wait to be home already.

“The night is cold today.” Abby notices when you get in the driver’s seat. You push the temperature higher and turn on the seat heating for Abby. “Thank you.”

“I know you love it when your butt is warm.” You tease her and Abby smacks your thigh lightly. “It’s cute.”

You live in a penthouse with a gorgeous view over the city - Abby felt a little awkward the first few times she came here, this level of luxury wasn't something she was used to even coming from a neurosurgeon's family. Now she calls this place home.

At home you open a bottle of wine and take Abby to the balcony. She looks stunning in the city lights as the wind plays with her hair and the free silk of her dress as she stands leaning on the glass railings. She looks at you and there’s so much tension between you you feel like it’d be a good idea to undo a button on your shirt. Abby’s eyes are piercing and warm, the dark trickle of her pupils follows your hand as you open your shirt. 

You love how it feels as if you took her home for the first time, as if both of you are uncertain how the night will go but you also hope for the same ending. It makes you chuckle when you hand Abby her glass of wine. 

“It reminds me of the night we met.” You tell her and Abby matches your chuckle. “I couldn’t look away from you.”

“You looked so grumpy and you kept staring at me, I thought you didn’t like me.” 

“I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful before.” You take a sip of your wine and Abby blushes. 

She is still not used to being found attractive when she presents more feminine - it took her years to gain confidence when her trained muscled body was enveloped in gentle and fragile silhouettes of dresses. But the night you met you looked at her like she was holy - and you still do - and it definitely helps. 

“I’ve never seen someone so hot being so miserable before.” Abby teases you and you both share a quiet laugh. “I don’t think if it wasn’t for your scandalous donation I would’ve come up to you.”

You remember how fast your heart was beating when Abby approached you to thank you - she was shy but cheerful and you put all effort into making a good impression that night. 

“I love you so much.” You tell Abby and finally put one of your hands on her hip. You rub your thumb over her hip bone and feel like you’re home. 

“I love you too, my antisocial knight with an undone bow-tie.” 

You beam but try to conceal it. 

“My love.” You kiss Abby’s forehead, your lips linger on her skin. “My life.” You kiss her cheek and squeeze her hip a little. You move your mouth down and leave a kiss behind her ear. “My wife.”

Abby giggles and kisses you, her mouth pleasantly cold and you wrap your free arm around her waist to press her closer. Abby feels the fabric of your slacks and your belt buckle through her thin dress and it makes her shudder; she suddenly feels hot. 

“Fuck.” Abby sighs and opens her legs, her golden dress riding up on her hip when she tries to wrap her leg around you. 

You chuckle and kiss her cheek apologetically before moving away. Abby pouts a little and you laugh kindly before you take her glass of wine from her and put both of your glasses on the near table. You don't want to ruin Abby's dress by spilling wine on it, although you wouldn't mind having Abby's perfect body covered in wine so you could like every drop and watch the dark liquid contrast with her light skin.

“Come here.” Abby sighs and you obey, kissing her again and finally hooking her thigh over your hip. 

You push Abby into the railing behind her and she hugs your shoulders while she kisses you back. You moan into her mouth, your hands roam from her waist to her hips, hungry and ready to devour her piece by piece. Only now, when you hold Abby so tightly, you notice that the silk of her dress is smooth under your fingers - there’s not ridges or bumps that would evidence there’s something underneath.

“You’re not wearing underwear?” Abby shudders when she hears your voice drop an octave, desperate. 

“It ruined the look.” Abby shrugs and pushes her cunt into your crotch, the cold silk is so thin she thinks she can grind against your belt buckle and cum just like this. “And now it seems I’m ruining the dress with how wet you got me.”

You growl and kiss Abby again, rough and passionate, not letting her take a breath. You knead her waist and thigh, riding up her dress until the slit is high enough for your hand to slip under, to the wet heat between Abby's thighs. You cup her pussy and kiss her neck, and Abby whimpers quietly. 

“Wanna know what I'm thinking about?” You murmur into her ear while your fingers find her clit and start rubbing it slowly. 

“Yeah.” Abby presses you closer, squeezes your waist as if you will walk away. As if you'd ever leave her.

“That I should've fucked you back on that balcony.” You growl into her ear and chuckle when Abby's hips start moving against your palm. “Should've gotten you dripping and shaking for me. Let you walk around and pretend to be okay while clenching your thighs so your cum wouldn't drip down on the floor.”

“Fuck.” Abby whimpers and her movements become more energetic. “Fuck me, please.” 

“What do you want?” You lick Abby's collarbone and she whines. 

“Fingers.” 

You hum and smear Abby's cum all over her cunt before sinking two of your fingers in. You watch Abby's face as you slowly feed her your fingers: she is beautiful. Her cute little frown, mouth opened but no sound escaping it and crimson red blush on her cheekbones - she is God. Your God. 

“Gorgeous.” You whisper and curl your fingers inside her. 

Abby's pelvis jumps and you giggle, surprised at her sudden sensitivity. You fuck her slowly, carefully - Abby might be big and strong, but she is such a delicate woman. You make sure you treat her as such. 

“I love you.” Abby sighs while her cum drips down your hand and her thigh. 

“I love you too.” You kiss her shoulder lovingly.

You move away just enough to have some space between the two of you, your fingers still slowly fucking Abby's hole and your thumb lazily playing with her clit. Now the world has stopped and you can have her all for yourself. 

You gently brush your fingers over her shoulder and move the strap of the dress down so you could free her tits. Abby helps you and soon the top half of her dress is bundled up at her waist. You lick your lips as you watch Abby's nipples tighten from the wind, her cute little tits are all for your eyes only. 

You lean down and take her left nipple into your mouth, sucking on it gently, and Abby twitches, her cunt fluttering around your fingers. You're still slow - Abby gets so turned on when you take your time with her; the anticipation makes her so much more sensitive. 

“Baby.” Abby whimpers and presses your head closer. “You're so good.” 

You tenderly nip at her nipple and thumb her clit at the same time, and Abby clenches on your fingers.

“Baby, give me one more. Please. Make me full.” 

You buck your hips instinctively at her words, so turned on your brain barely functions by this point. You're not packing today and it's a damn pity, but you don't waste time on thinking about it - instead you take your fingers out fully. 

“You're drenched, love.” You smirk and push three fingers slowly to the hilt. “Take it.” You rasp into Abby's ear as her walls close on your digits.

Abby whimpers and bites her lip, her eyes rolling back from how good you feel inside her. It's a little tight, but Abby loves it, loves how you're stretching her. She loves the feeling of your fingers brushing over her hot walls, your soft fingertips and hard knuckles and the pad of your thumb on her clit. 

You push at Abby's sweet spot to make her moan and she digs her nails into your shoulder, her thighs starting to shake. 

“You look like a goddamn goddess.” You tell Abby in awe, but you're so turned on you can't keep your hips from bucking against her. You step closer and start grinding on her thigh, the harsh fabric of your underwear and slacks making the pleasure more intense. Abby moves one of her hands down and squeezes your ass, moaning desperately. 

“Fuck, cum with me. Baby, please, cum with me.” Abby moans and you start grinding rough and fast, grunting when the stitch on your pants digs into your clit just right. “Go faster, please.”

“So polite.” You say, panting, but you pick up your speed and Abby just gets wetter and wetter: you think you've got her cum on your cuffs by now. 

You pinch her nipple with a free hand and Abby moans louder. She puts her forehead on your shoulder and whimpers right into your ear, making you rut on her thigh harder. You're close, and Abby is close - you feel her beautiful cunt getting tighter and tighter around your fingers. You slow down and Abby clings to you, her hips bucking into your hand. 

“I'm close.” Abby pouts and you lick her neck. 

“Oh, I know. Can feel how tight you are now.” You smirk. 

It's a sweet torture for both of you - you also slow down with your grinding - but you know Abby's orgasm will be stronger after being close like this. 

“Can't wait to bury my tongue in your cunt.” You tell Abby and she gets so desperate in your hands. She clings to you, bucks her hips and tries to take your fingers deeper, and it melts your heart. 

Fuck it, you think, and then you drop to your knees. If Abby is your God, you need to worship her accordingly. 

“Baby, what-” Abby tries to say, confused when she loses the feeling of your hot cunt on her thigh, but then it dawns on her. “Please-please-please.” 

You put her thigh that was on your hip over your shoulder and push her dress up, until the entirety of it is bundled around Abby's waist. Abby is looking down at you, her mouth open and her eyes pleading, and you finally lock your mouth on her pussy. 

“Oh my god.” Abby whimpers when you suck on her clit. “Oh my god, baby, I'm gonna cum, fuck-” 

You hum, your eyes rolled back in ecstasy as Abby's taste envelopes your senses. Her cunt is always so soft and so hot, and you can't help yourself: you bury your face in it, licking her up from her hole where your fingers slowly fuck up into her, and to her clit. Abby holds your head with her hands and starts bucking her hips into your face, riding your tongue, and you relax: you let her use you as she pleases. 

Abby's voice becomes higher and louder, and she presses you closer with the heel digging into your back. It's kinda painful since Abby is still wearing her stilettos, but you don't care. You're high on her, and being pulled closer, having her scent and taste and warmth surrounding you is pure bliss. You're still slow and it makes Abby more desperate as she chases her orgasm, but she doesn't ask you to go faster - instead she bucks her hips rougher and doesn't leave you a choice but to eat her out like she wants it. 

“Baby, wait, fuck, wait-” 

Her approaching orgasm feels different, too intense - and she knows what is going to happen, but she is always embarrassed when she squirts right on your face - she wants to ask you to stand up, but she can't, lost in her pleasure. 

You know she is going to squirt as well, her walls are so tight around your fingers it is literally hard to move them and your wrist starts to cramp now, but you keep fucking her, because you want her to squirt all over your face. 

“Fuck!” Abby screams and folds, holding to your head for dear life and unconsciously pressing you closer to her cunt with her thigh on your shoulder, almost suffocating you, drowning you in her cum. 

You would die as the happiest woman on Earth if this would be your last moment: between the legs of the love of your life, drenched in her cum. 

Abby is still whimpering and you keep your fingers moving gently just to prolong her pleasure, and you keep eating her out just to get all her cum, softly moving your tongue around. 

“Fuck.” Abby pants and watches you between her thighs. You're absolutely pussy drunk, soaked to your chest and you look high. Abby giggles, embarrassed, and puts the loose hairs away from your forehead. “I soaked you.”

“Yes. Thank you.” You kiss a trail up Abby's thigh that's on your shoulder. 

“Come here.” Abby says weakly and you carefully put her leg down and get up, holding Abby by her waist. You know her legs are shaky and you want to support her. “I'm a mess.” Abby chuckles and you kiss her neck. 

“You're beautiful. I'm definitely fucking you next time we go to an event. I don't care.”

Abby giggles and kisses you, not minding that your whole face is covered in her cum. You kiss her back and pinch her nipple gently just to make her jump. 

“Let's get you warm.” You tell Abby when you notice the goosebumps covering her arms and chest. 

“You haven't cum yet.” 

“You can worry about it when you're warm and clean.” You kiss the tip of her nose and lead her back inside. 

Abby repays you thoroughly in the shower. 

[roeroe-world]

her.

starring: ryan destiny as juno, method man as himself

set in the memorable summer of ‘95 in Atlanta.

warning: detailed smut warning , use of profanity and drugs, very long scene ahead

Sweat beads drips amongst his caramel coated skin as he tosses a close by dry towel on top of his slightly nappy braids. Exhaustion yet adrenaline pouring over his 6 foot 3 frame, returning backstage. Mef had just finished a show and more than ready to return to his hotel room, hearing the bed calling—screaming his name. Although the crowd still going wild knocked the calling out of the park by a long shot.

“Yo! We killed that shit!” His friend and fellow artist, Redman, shouts while breathing intensely before the two would dap one another up.

Not only did Mef perform but a few artists performed beside him as well. Wu-Tang Clan members joined to perform a couple tracks together. Redman wasn’t exactly scheduled to perform though Mef decided to bring him out anyway. As a result, the fans loved it.

Mef was sweating bullets, breathing as heavy as ever, and physically tired. He desired to give his fans a great show— no fuck ‘great’ — he wanted his set to be amazing. Mef crowd surfed, brought out his group members and Redman whom was making a ton of noise on the streets, gave the audience his 110 percent of energy… now he needed to chill.

“Tryna hit up a club?” Redman’s inquiry earns a chuckle from the rapper as he takes a hit of the blunt he’s passed. “Nigga, I ain’t tryna hit nothin’.” Seriousness within his raspy, deep tone while observing his crowded surroundings with a head shake. Backstage was heavily crowded tonight.

“Shit…” The fellow rapper kisses his teeth, the two walking alongside each other. “I don’t know ‘bout you but I’m definitely tryna hit something before I leave tomorrow morning. I saw some fly ass bitches in the crowd.” He caught himself staring at a plethora of women passing by. Atlanta was filled with beautiful women. Not only were they gorgeous but their bodies were out of this world.

Maybe it was the Southern meals. However, whatever, they were stacked. Ranging from big to small, nonetheless, the women were captivating.

The women flocked at Mef’s every direction. It was no secret that he’s a chick magnet. Women loved him and he loved them too. Though he’s surrounded by a fish of captivating beauties with perfect bodies. The only chick on his mind is his current on and off girlfriend, Tamika. No matter how many women threw themselves at him, she’s all he ever thinks about often.

His love life was no-one’s business so therefore he hardly ever spoke about her publicly. She isn’t involved in his lifestyle, doesn’t want a damn thing to do with it. Currently, they’re having issues and not exactly on speaking terms at the moment. But as far as he’s concerned that’s still his.

Self-medicating himself with drugs and alcohol kept him afloat as he did his shows, although it didn’t help much. He didn’t really want to express his girl problems to his homies because their issues were absolutely none of their business. But he knows bottling his emotions weren’t healthy.

Between the pressure of maintaining his booming rap career and remaining in a committed relationship, it was growing a bit overwhelming. He has a lot of pent up frustration built that he possesses no clue of what to do with it so until then… he would continue to self-medicate.

After turning down yet another girl, an unopened bottle of Cristal found its way into his masculine large right hand— the moment it’s open he engulfs the alcoholic beverage as he welcomed himself near a table which was seated backstage.

“Damn, you good?” A sultry feminine southern accent meets his eardrums though he continues to drink not ready to meet eyes with the random voice just yet. “The only time a person drinks like that is when they going through somethin’.”

Suddenly, he drops the bottle from his lips and averts his low gaze into the woman’s direction before being immediately taken off guard by her beauty; Her skin coated a beautiful clear shade of brown. Dark irises shaped like an almond, similar to a siren. Her round face fit her perfectly as well as the short pixie cut she’s sporting.

The woman’s lips began moving though he wasn’t exactly paying attention to what was exiting them. He just knew the pair appeared very plump and juicy, adorned by red lipstick with a little gloss coat. It wasn’t long before he snaps out of his daze, catching, “The name’s Juno. I noticed you over here by yourself and decided to bless you with my company.” Redman had left awhile ago to tend to his needs for the night.

She wasn’t nervous, afraid, nor inappropriate. Her almond shaped eyes peered into his as she spoke clear enough for him to hear.

Confidence. He loved that shit.

A friendly grin forms across his lips, sneaking a quick glance of her outfit. Which happened to be a lace choker surrounding her neck, a crop top showcasing her belly button ring, a pair of short denim shorts as well as a pair of Air Max ‘95’s. She had a few tattoos too.

“I’m straight. ‘Preciate you for your concern.” Not to be cocky but he didn’t really feel the need to introduce himself if she came out to his show.

“If you don’t mind me asking… how you get back here?”

Chuckling to herself, “Backstage pass.” She motions to the pass in her hand and he nods, lifting the bottle near his lips. This time his eyes closely but slowly eyeing her frame. He definitely liked what he saw. “I don’t mean to talk your ear off but I really enjoyed your show tonight. You did your thing especially with your album.”

“Preciate it, shorty. What’s your favorite joint on the album?” More than likely, he was expecting it be the All I Need Remix with Mary J. Blige. The track was a huge success.

“Tical. That’s my shit.” Genuine smiles etched across both of their lips, finding themselves staring at each other.

“You smoke?” His inquiry earns a playful scoff, giving him a look, “Nigga, I’m the blazing queen. I bet my rolling skills better than yours.”

“Yo, what? Hell nah…” Mef laughs aloud, “You know what? We just might have to see ‘cause that ain’t possible. What you finna get into?”

————

A limousine ride and several drinks later, the two arrived to the Four Seasons. Mef would be residing there for the night. Underneath his long eyelashes, his squinted dark irises analyzes the rolled blunt closely. As much as he wanted to find a flaw… he couldn’t. Damn. He thought to himself, slightly impressed.

“Shit, you cool with me.” He places the perfectly rolled blunt between his lips, throwing his hands up in defense. “Told you.” The woman sticks out her tongue teasingly, grabbing her lighter out of her purse and sparking up the blunt for him.

Juno watches as the smoke blows smoothly between his lips, his gaze low and slightly dead. The side of his canvas showcasing red lipstick stains due to her kissing him on the cheek multiple times during the limo ride. She couldn’t help but to run her hair over his nappy cornrows, a slight grin etched upon her mouth as the smell of marijuana engulfed the spacious hotel room.

Her exposed left leg rests on top of his thigh while he caresses her soft skin gently. The pair sat on the edge of the bed, enjoying the peacefulness of the atmosphere and one another’s company.

“You should let me rebraid your hair.”

“Unh, unh, I’m tender headed, shorty.” He passes the blunt to the young woman, eyeing her once more. “You can massage my head though.” Neither of the two broke eye contact as she took a hit, exhaling slowly, blowing out o’s.

“Which head?” She quizzes boldly and Mef immediately catches on to her sexual innuendo.

“Which ever you feel comfortable with.” Mef’s low intense gaze immediately makes her nervous so she glances away, very intoxicated though shocked herself that she’s in Method Man’s hotel room with Method Man.

Juno loved the fact that he didn’t push himself on her or made any sexual advances. She’d heard a lot of rumors about rappers but Mef doesn’t appear to be that way. He was chill, nonchalant, hilarious and quite charismatic. And to mention… very fine. She always believed he was handsome from the moment she laid eyes on him upon seeing a photograph of him in the Source Magazine.

His roughneck look fit him perfectly. Now that she’s up close and personal, she could definitely see why the women went crazy. He was a pretty boy with a raspy, deep New York accent that could make you melt.

The moment Juno breaks their eye contact to avert her gaze downward, he finds himself looking away as well. Silence falling between the pair. Tamika’s face racing through his brain yet again. It was an ongoing thing the entire night though he’s in the company of a striking beauty.

“You hungry?” Her inquiry began to remind him, he’s starving. Not only that but he had the munchies. Of course, he’s hungry. He hadn’t ate much after the show and that was hours ago. Now it’s peeking on two in the morning. “Yeah, room service doesn’t sound too bad, huh?”

“Yeah, no…” She stops him from reaching for the phone with a laugh. “I know a place way better.” His eyeballs fell upon her plump backside as she crawls across the bed, sitting on her knees while the satisfying sound of her mid-length French tip acrylics meets the dialing pad. Her vanilla scent danced in and out of his nostrils the entire night, though, he couldn’t lie; a woman with good hygiene turns him on.

Mef finds himself traveling from the edge of the bed to plop his head on a nearby pillow, continuing to smoke the blunt Juno rolled moments before. Feeling a dip on the bed as she places their order, she turns to see him lying on his back comfortably. More importantly, in the bed wearing shoes.

Raising a brow at the sight, the call ended and the young woman sends a light smack to his bottom leg. “Boy, if you don’t take them damn shoes off.” Laying closely beside his being, snatching the blunt from between his lips and planting between hers instead.

He kisses his teeth playfully, “This my fuckin’ bed but since you told me to take my shoes off, I will.” The rapper sits up to do as told. “Happy?”

“You had a show tonight too so don’t take this wrong… you should freshen up— I’m not saying that you stink ‘cause you don’t. I’m just saying.” She shrugs, blowing the smoke through her nostrils.

The slight annoyance of her demands quickly subsided due to her looks.

“Coming in my hotel room and telling me what to do… you lucky you fine.” He speaks truthfully with a head shake, heading for the bathroom for a much needed shower.

————

“Taste this.” She scoops a good amount of sweet potato pie onto the plastic spoon, bringing it to Mef’s lips. He hums as the sweetness enters his taste buds. “Good ain’t it?” A wide grin falls upon her captivating face as he sends her a nod as a response.

Awhile after Mef’s shower, their food arrived. It was a nearby Soul Food restaurant. The food was delicious and he couldn’t deny it. The next time he would come to the A, he would definitely be eating there again.

“I got a question.”

Putting their plastic containers to the side, she retorts, “Ask away.”

“You ain’t got a man?” A chuckle passes her lips at the question. “As good as you look I know some nigga wanna lock you down or got you locked down.”

His statement made her mentally scoff. “If a nigga had me locked down, I wouldn’t be in this hotel room with you.” Her love life isn’t a topic she’s too enthralled in discussing. She didn’t completely answer the question because she doesn’t feel obligated to.

“Word.” He nods.

“You got a girl?” Almost in an instant, he stops nodding but tries to play it off. Juno is really good at reading body language so she knew instantly. “You love her?” Mef doesn’t bother to meet eye contact, telling the young woman everything she needs to know.

Silence falls amongst the pair until the rapper breaks it, “…just some issues going on right now.” He doesn’t want to talk about it. Juno could hear it in his tone.

“We don’t gotta talk about it. I ain’t tryna pressure you.”

There was sudden mood shift. Both of them could feel it. Juno instantly regretted asking the question because it seemed as if he was still in his feelings over the woman.

“If that’s a dealbreaker for you then… you can leave if you want. I’ll be aight. I enjoyed your company.” With a sigh, he stands to his feet and prepares to walk off to another direction of the hotel room.

Silently, the young woman mentally contemplated whether to leave or not. He had a whole woman at home which whom he’s in love with. Sure, they were having their problems, but what relationship didn’t? She just knew that if she was in the other woman’s shoes, she would be crushed to find out her man is in a hotel room with an another woman being fed.

Though, if she would leave then Mef would still be upset, drinking away his sorrows like how she saw him prior. Deep inside, something made her want to help him feel better. She wasn’t sure how it felt to date him and doesn’t want to know. She couldn’t make him forget about her.

But just for the night, she wanted to make him feel something. She wanted to make him feel good.

She doesn’t owe his girlfriend or whatever she is to him any absolute loyalty. Juno had one of her man crushes in the same room as her so she’s going to take her chance.

Standing to her feet, Juno struts behind his chair, her hips swaying side to side seductively. Mef feels a presence behind him but stays put, thinking nothing of it. Her dainty hands meets the top of both of his shoulders, caressing the pair softly before sliding them along his clothed chest and between his legs.

His attire consisted of a plain baggy white beater and a pair of basketball shorts. Juno didn’t understand why he didn’t settle with the hotel bathrobe because it would’ve been easier access.

Removing her touch, her smooth glowing legs leads her in front of his frame. Mef’s legs were stretched wide, his arms resting on the arms of the chair while his low seductive gaze peered upward in her direction before traveling downward with her sudden movements. Juno was on her knees, pulling his shorts to his ankles to reveal what she’d been aching to lay eyes on for so long.

Mef remained silent, observing her actions closely. It was crystal clear what she wanted and he was going to give it to her.

It was exactly what she imagined. Long, thick, veiny, very well-endowed. He was ecstatic to see her just as much as she was. Without a hesitation, Juno devours him into her mouth and the minute she does, his head tosses backward with a low groan.

His groans would transition into small moans and the moans eventually grew louder. Juno was ravishing him like he was her last meal. Sucking, licking, finding herself kissing it as if it was a trophy. Her right hand wrapped around his phallus, stroking him to perfection. The other down her shorts, playing with herself.

The strapless crop top slid below her perky breasts, revealing the pair due to her hard work. Mef averts his attention onto the beauty giving him the best head he’s ever received. Though, he couldn’t help to notice a name tatted on her left breast that read ‘Dante’ in cursive. He ignores the observation and focuses on her Oscar-winning mouth instead. His hand found itself onto her head, not giving a single fuck about her hair or the fact that she has another man’s name tatted on her.

Her head bobbed up and down, creating beautiful music to their ears. Juno’s mouth reminded him of a vacuum, a beautiful and very skilled vacuum as she sucked like no tomorrow. This wasn’t her first time. She was much too skilled and he had no absolute complaints. He was in bliss. So deep in bliss that he grew close, an orgasm he isn’t ready for just yet. Too quick.

He found himself slightly trying to push her head back, lifting his waist off the chair a bit. She notices before saying, “Don’t run, papa.” Upon quickly going back to work, his toes began curling at the intense pleasure. A plethora of curse words exiting his mouth, “Fuck…”

Moments later after attempting to hold back, he finally let go while she sucked him dry, swallowing every drop. His body shook slightly, a low groan passing his throat. Pools of brown peering into one another’s as Juno took her time to undress, peeling off every piece of clothing one by one teasingly. Initially she was planning to leave after giving him the best head of his life but he was still up at attention, intensely staring in her direction hungrily. Apparently, there was still a job needed to be completed. Who was she to back out of a challenge?

Mef was growing impatient.

No longer seated in the chair, he towers the young woman before lifting her small frame into his arms by her legs while forcing himself inside. His lips crashing into hers. “Oh, fuck…” Her jaw drops at the sudden sensation of him inside her love. Not giving her much time to adjust. Her back was pressed against the wall as he sent the woman powerhouse strokes, arms pinned above her head. His hips circling round and round much to her pleasure.

Her constant wetness and tightness around his phallus kept his top row of pearly whites embedded into his bottom lip. Juno’s eyebrows furrowing together from the pleasure and the pain. The more he had his way with her, the louder she would become. The pair found themselves all over the room, making their mark as well as pushing a few things out of their path, items in which broke. They couldn’t care less about the complaints.

Bent over on the edge of the bed, Juno glances backward at the rapper behind her frame underneath her low gaze. Loud moans exiting her throat. “F-Fuck me like that..” Mef’s head was thrown back, gripping her waist while he gave her his all. He was fucking her so good that she was speechless and she’s usually vocal during sex.

“Mef, oh Mef, oh papa…” Her juices coating his phallus was a hell of a sight. He loved the fact that she was making such a mess because of him. He had her screaming, scratching his back, cursing him out, squirting everywhere, fucking up the sheets, legs wide open as if it wasn’t almost four o’clock. Mef had a flight in three hours yet that hadn’t seem to cross his mind.

Nothing seemed to cross his mind when he had a beautiful woman screaming his name and squeezing around him.

“What, baby?” He quizzes, dragging his tongue across his lips for the millionth time. “Fuck…” Mef couldn’t get over how incredibly wet she was. The sounds were driving him insane. “This pussy so fuckin’ wet for me, mama.” Sending a smack to her backside, she began to throw it back.

His mouth falls agape slightly as he watches her, “Juno, shit.” He couldn’t let her get the best of him again so he flips her over onto her back, pressing her wide legs upon her shoulders, pounding into the woman mercilessly. At this point, she was screaming to the top of her lungs. “Just like that, papa!” Her dainty manicured hands resting on the bottom of her thighs, no matter the pain, she loved it. Not once did she tap out nor push him back. She loved that rough shit.

Juno liked to be fucked like a slut and she was sure that Mef had a lot of pent up anger which she desired for him to take out on her.

Dark brown irises peering down in her direction and suddenly he decided to deepen his strokes before leaning in closer to her face. Both of them admiring one another’s canvas. Her top row of pearly whites embedded into her bottom lip, their eyes meeting instantly. They made a lot of eye contact during their activities but not like this… not in this position.

“You so fuckin’ beautiful, baby.” He compliments the young woman below his being before bringing their lips into a passionate union. “You so perfect.” His dick continuously jabbing at her spot and it wasn’t as rough anymore, it was long and passionate strokes.

Juno wanted to fuck. Not make love nor fall in love.

The dick already had her willing to die for it. The consistent compliments, the dirty talk, the choking, his skillful strokes. Mef knew exactly what he was doing in bed. They were going at it for sometime now and his energy amazed her.

The way he stared at her as if he wanted to do any and everything for her as if he actually loved her. But she knows he doesn’t. He’d only met her a few hours prior. She could never be the woman he was drowning himself in sorrows about. She could never be her. This feeling of his love is temporary. She knew she would never see him again after tonight.

The thought hurt.

Mef’s love brought her to tears, caressing his shoulders and beautiful face to pretend as if she was his girl. As if he was hers. He belonged to someone else. But for right now, Mef belonged to her and she was going to fuck him like no tomorrow.

Regaining her strength, Juno flips the two over to gain control. Bouncing on top of the rapper energetically earning a plethora of groans as he sends several smacks to her backside. Suddenly, his firm right hand grips her neck, thumb sliding between her lips and she sucks on it. “Tell me you love this dick.” He demands, scanning her bare frame and the sight of their bodies colliding together for the millionth time.

“I love this dick.” She does as demanded and though it was a demand, it was the absolute truth. His dick fit her perfectly. “Papa… are you gonna cum for me?” Sucking his thumb seductively, her hips moved in a circular motion, desiring to feel him breed her again. No, she isn’t having his baby. She didn’t want to have his baby. There was no absolute use of protection but she does happen to be on the pill.

Without another word, he nods, completely speechless. She was really putting it on him from her mouth to her everything. For her final move, she leans forward to plant a few sensual kisses along his neck before whispering, “Come inside your pussy,” into his ear. It drove him wild when she called her pussy his. Over the years, she learned that men loved that.

Mef began to fuck her back from underneath the woman, palming her plump backside as his orgasm approaches. His mouth slightly agape in amazement, watching her breasts bounce in his face.

The moment the tip of his dick started to jab at her spot, her orgasm was quickly approaching as well. “Fuck, papa, I’m gonna cum!” His thrusts grew rougher and moreover, the pair found themselves releasing in unison. Their eyes meeting while riding their high, mouths wide open.

For some reason, Mef made sure she felt every drop of his semen. She guessed that it was because he knows it intensifies her orgasms.

“Damn.” Breathing heavily, Mef eyes the woman hopping off of his frame as slow as she could due to her body being sore and slightly limping to the bathroom. A light proud smirk creeps amongst his lips, eyelids shutting to get some sleep.

Light footsteps meets his eardrums yet again so his low tired gaze falls upon a naked Juno whom is getting dressed to his dismay. He wasn’t ready for her to go.

“Leaving me already?”

A giggle passing her throat, she slides on her underwear then came her denim shorts. “You and I both know what this was, Mef.” Her statement results in the rapper’s head to tilt backward in offense, immediately getting out of bed to throw on a pair of the basketball shorts that was laying sloppily on the floor to make his way towards the woman.

“Yeah…” He began. “It was two people who got together and enjoyed each other’s company.”

“Don’t you got a flight to catch in like what two hours?” She found his reaction to her getting ready to leave quite comical. They didn’t really know one another from a can of paint.

“So. That don’t mean you gotta leave yet, shorty.”

Sighing heavily, a captivating smile gracing her lips, “It doesn’t. But after you leave… you have someone to go home to. Never take that for granted.” Sliding her crop top through her head and adjusting it onto her chest. “Not many people have that.” Soon came her socks and shoes.

Juno was unlike any other woman he’d been with sexually. Maybe he was blinded by lust or her looks or the fact that she’s the epitome of cool. He wanted to keep in contact with her, at least. He definitely wanted to link up again.

“Can I at least get your number?”

“Go home to your girlfriend, nigga.” She replies humorously, grabbing her purse and heading for the door. “I enjoyed you, Method Man.” Planting emphasis on his stage name, she pauses through the open door before waltzing in front of his tall frame. Her tattooed arms wrapping around his neck and he leans downward mindlessly, connecting their lips passionately.

One last taste.

Their tongues fight for dominance. Enjoying the taste of one another. Eventually, Mef wins. His hands falling just above her covered backside. Nibbling softly on her bottom lip as she pulls away, sliding her hand down his chest. His intense low gaze peering down at the young woman whom was admiring his half-naked silhouette.

His girl would be dumb to let him slip out of her hands.

Finally, she walks away and he watches her until she’s no longer in his peripheral. The moment she steps outside of the hotel room, her back presses against the wall before tossing her head backward in disbelief.

“Did I just do that?” She mouths to herself.

Moments after squealing softly to herself, Juno saunters for the elevator, feeling like a whole other woman.

[thetriumphantpanda]

Ghost of You | J. Miller (Chapter Eight)

Series Summary / Grief is a strange thing. In the beginning it had been all-consuming. There wasn’t a moment of the day where you didn’t cry, didn’t ask yourself why it couldn’t have been you instead. And no-one ever explains the guilt you feel when it isn’t anymore. When it’s just a dull ache and you can finally breathe again, when you can start letting people get close to you again. People like Joel Miller.

Pairing / Joel Miller x Widow F!Reader

Word Count / 4.4k

Warnings / Soft!Joel as usual, some heavy petting, descriptions of panic attacks, descriptions of injuries (I am not a medical professional, please don't come for me), descriptions of food and alcohol, but nothing else.

Authors Note /  Okay, so this came to me in a dream when I was really stuck on how to properly move these two forward and I hope that I've managed to portray it properly. If you enjoyed this then please consider reblogging, leaving a comment or popping into my ask with some love! And if you'd like to leave a tip, you can do that over on my Ko-Fi.

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Summer soon makes way for the fall, the air becoming chillier in Jackson by the day. The leaves have started to change, and you can already feel yourself missing the warmth and comfort that summer brought. The days are shorter, but that might also have something to do with the fact that you were finally back to work at the library full time, spending your days with Kate, and your evenings, more often than not, with Joel and Ellie. 

You and Joel were still taking things steady. You always returned to your home each evening and nothing had progressed between the two of you apart from the heavy make-out sessions you would sometimes have on his couch. He was careful with you, always searching your face when his hands would touch somewhere new, always asking if it was alright to put his lips to your neck, pointing to exactly where he’d put his mouth with his fingers. It was nice, you enjoyed it, and there had never been a moment where you felt he was frustrated with how slow things were going between the two of you. Always content to just sit with his arm around you, play board games with you and Ellie and just have quiet conversation in the dark of his living room. 

It was, however, frustrating you. There had been occasions where you’d stood on the porch, waiting for him to open the door, where you thought that evening would be the one. It had happened more often recently, now that Ellie had converted the garage at the end of their garden as somewhere to have her own space, but every time you felt like you wanted to ask, ask him to lay you down underneath him and take what you were desperate for, something always stopped you.  

Tonight, it was particularly cold out. Joel had set a fire which had warmed his living room, casting an orange, flickering glow over the game of monopoly that Ellie had just won. You’d been at it for hours, a back and forth of Joel trying to convince you to sell your properties to him in exchange for his utilities, you refusing and instead ganging up with Ellie to buy up most of the board, before she turned on you as well. 

“Told ya,” Joel smirks, nudging you with his elbow, “Should’a sold your blues to me, then we’d be the winners.” 

“Joel,” You chuckle, as you take the paper money from Ellie to put back in the box, “You offered me two utilities for my two blues, it was never going to happen.” 

“Hey, I offered to throw in a kiss as well,” He winks at you, to which you swat his arm, “Usually wins you over.” 

“You two a fucking gross sometimes,” Ellie laughs, “I’m going to bed, don’t stay up too long, oldies.” 

She’s out of the backdoor in a flash, leaving you to finish clearing up the game and stack it away with the others, Joel is standing from the couch at the same time, “Nightcap?” He asks. 

“Always,” You smile over your shoulder, “That’s what us old people do, right? Drink whiskey to help us sleep.” 

He chuckles as he pulls the bottle from the cupboard. This had become an almost nightly routine now, you’d have a drink or two, cuddle up until you could feel your eyes get heavy and then go home to your empty house, your empty bed. But it didn’t ever feel that lonely anymore. Sure, sometimes you’d turn over and look at the empty side of the bed and wish someone was there, but more often than not it was Joel’s form you’d imagine there at night, not Mark, although he did still make his appearances. 

The more you’d talked to Joel about him, the more comfortable you’d become with the idea that Mark would actually have really fucking liked Joel. Mark and Tommy had been close friends, and although Joel was certainly different to Tommy in many ways, you knew that if Joel had just been a friend, if Mark had continued to stay alive and healthy, they’d have been a firm trio of friends. 

“You ever think you’d spend the rest of your days living out the apocalypse playing monopoly?” You ask as Joel hands you your glass, “Because if you’d have told me twenty years ago that’s what I’d be doing, I’d have laughed.” 

He lets out a groan as he sits back down, opening his arm for you to curl up into his side like you usually do, “It does seem a bit domestic, doesn’t it?” He chuckles, taking a sip from his glass, “Nice though, especially when I got a pretty lady to cuddle up to as well.” 

“You flirt,” You chuckle, sipping your own drink, “Mark would have hated evenings like this though.” 

“Hmmm?” Joel hums, “Why’s that?” 

“Just not his style,” You shrug, “Liked his evenings quiet, we’d eat dinner and read, and he’d be in bed as soon as it was dark.” 

“You liked that?” Joel asks, hand running light touches up and down your arm. 

“I didn’t mind it,” You answer honestly, “After years of bouncing from place to place, never knowing when you were going to have to move on or when you might die, it was nice to just be still and quiet I guess.” 

“But you prefer getting your ass beat by a fifteen-year-old at monopoly?” He chuckles. 

“I wouldn’t say prefer,” You laugh along, “It’s just a nice change.” 

The whiskey, and the dying flames of the fire, are warming your bones. You finish the last of the whiskey and put the glass on the coffee table, settling back into Joel’s side, “You want a top up?” He asks, setting his own half-finished glass down. 

You look up at him, “Not right now, but I’d like a kiss if you don’t mind?” 

“Oh sweet pea, I never mind.” He grins, leaning down to capture your lips with his own. 

There’s something in the air tonight that makes you bold as brass. You push yourself up a little so Joel isn’t craning his neck down to you so much, one of your hands coming to rest on his shoulder to steady yourself as you move to loom over him. You pull your lips from him just enough to settle yourself into a more comfortable position before they’re back together, this time, your tongue running along his bottom lip, coaxing his mouth open for you. 

You don’t think you’re ever going to get tired of the way this man kisses you. Every time it’s like he won’t ever get the chance again. His big hands are cupping your face, pulling you further down, pressing your mouths closer together. The taste of the whiskey on his tongue is always intoxicating, but tonight even more so. Before you can really register what you’re doing, you throw one leg over his hip so you’re straddling his lap. There’s still a fair amount of space between the two of you, you’re hovering as far above his lap as you can manage, but Joel’s hands are moving from your face, resting on the waistband of your jeans where they are on your hips. 

He lets out a quiet moan into your mouth which sends electric shocks down your spine to settle in your tummy and God, you want more. You let your own hands grip his broad shoulders and before you know it, those big hands of his are resting on the globes of your ass, gently palming them through the denim of your jeans. His touch is electric – his hands guiding you to settle further into his lap when you feel it. You sink down just far enough to feel the unmistakable bulge at the front of Joel’s jeans against your own aching core and jolts you. Makes you panic. How could you have possibly gotten this far without even thinking? It makes you want to be sick. 

You pull away from his mouth and rest your forehead on his, “I’m sorry,” You mumble, “I’m fucking sorry Joel.” 

“Hey,” He speaks, hands moving from your ass back to your face, “Look at me, sweet pea.” 

You do, opening your eyes to meet his own, as always, not a hint of anger or frustration on his face, just one of concern, one that he’s pushed you too far and made you uncomfortable, “Why is this so fucking hard for me?” You speak, mostly for yourself. 

“Because it’s a big deal,” He says simply, pressing a kiss to the tip of your nose, “You don’t have to be sorry about anythin’, it’s me actin’ like a damn teenager when I’ve got a pretty girl on my lap.” 

You extricate yourself from his lap, trying not to watch as he adjusts himself so his erection isn’t so prevalent in his jeans. Once he’s gotten himself more comfortable, he finishes off his whiskey before he lets out a yawn. It must be late, the game had gone on for hours and you know he’s got morning patrol tomorrow. 

“I’ll get outta your hair,” You mumble quietly, not quite sure why you’re the one feeling hurt now, “Know you’ve got an early morning.” 

“Hey,” He grips your arm as you try and stand, “Stop that.” 

“Stop what?” 

“Thinkin’ I want ya to leave because we’re not having sex.” 

“I don’t think that at all.” You say, defensively. 

“Yes you do,” God why can he just always read you like this, “I’m not mad at you sweet pea, I will say it until I’m blue in the face, you take all the time you need,” He leans in as close to your ear as he possible can, “And when you’re ready, I’m gonna be so fuckin’ good to you, you won’t know your own name.” 

You gasp, giggling at his words. The longer you’d been staying with him like this, the filthier promises had been dropping from his lips. Never to pressure you, only to promise you exactly what you had in store when you felt able to give yourself to him. 

“Well,” You smile, giving his upper thigh a squeeze, “I’ll be sure to think of what that might entail when I get into bed later.” 

A smirk appears on his lips, “Only if you tell me all about it tomorrow.” 

It’s a few days later when you’re shutting up the library with Kate. She locks the door and hikes her bag higher on her shoulder, “You want to grab a drink at the bar?” She asks, “We haven’t been together in so long.” 

You know that Joel is on patrol right now and won’t be back until later, and a drink at the bar usually means a good hearty meal as well, which you would really enjoy against the backdrop of the cold evening air, so you gladly agree. You’d been a few times in the past weeks, mainly with Tommy and Maria accompanying you and Joel, and thankfully, no-one, including Vanessa, had made any comments like the first night, so you were more comfortable there now. 

You sit together with Kate, sipping a glass of whiskey and enjoying bowls of venison stew, watching as Ellie sits with a group of kids doing the same, but with glasses of juice instead. Joel had confided in you months ago that he was worried about her fitting in, that she’d struggled to make friends with people her own age, but since she’d started at the school, things had been better. She was attached to Dina and Cat by the hip most of the time, and it was nice to know she was able to enjoy being a kid for once. 

“So, how are things going with your man?” Kate teases, dropping her spoon into her empty bowl. 

“They’re okay,” You answer honestly, “Slow going, but that’s what I need.” 

“I have to say, in the past few weeks you’re almost your old self.” 

“Yeah, I feel a lot better to be honest,” You admit, “Like, I still struggle sometimes, but Belinda moved me to one appointment a month and said she thinks I’m finally on the road to a proper recovery.” 

“Good,” She smiles, clinking her glass to yours, “And it’s not all him either,” She adds, “Sure he’s rugged and handsome, but don’t let anyone think we’re giving him all the credit for making you happy, you’ve done this all by yourself, you hear me?” 

“I hear you,” You smile, taking a sip of your whiskey. 

“Now hurry up,” She says, slamming her drink back, “I’ve got a date with Pride and Prejudice.” 

You roll your eyes but knock back your own drink all the same, “You’ve read it at least six times since I’ve known you,” You stand, gathering your things, “And you’d still rather read it than spend time with me?” 

“Sorry babes,” She chuckles, “But Mr Darcy wins every time.”

As you’re leaving The Tipsy Bison, you’re suddenly all too aware that there’s hell of a commotion going on in the street. The main gates are flung open, and people are shouting and screaming to each other as horses gallop in through the gates. Then, you can see Tommy. He’s dragging someone back through the gates. Then, you realise who it is and all the colour drains from your face. He’s dragging Joel and he’s covered in fucking blood. You bend over and try to not throw up. You can feel Kate at your side, trying to pull you up to standing again, you let her, but you can feel your knees start to buckle as you try and get down the steps and onto the street. 

Maria is running towards you; you can see panic written on her face. Kate lets you go for a moment and as you’re running towards Tommy, you tumble down onto the ground, palms hitting the dirt and gravel. In any other circumstance you’d probably register the pain of landing on your knees at your age, but Maria is on the floor in front of you, bringing your face to the crook of her shoulder to shield you from whatever is going on. 

“Joel… oh my god.” Is all you can mumble, just his name over and over again into Maria’s shoulder. 

Then, you wonder what the fuck you’re doing on the floor. You look up and Tommy is coming towards you, him and another man dragging Joel, who looks to be just holding on to consciousness. You try and push yourself up, but Maria is trying to keep you grounded. 

“Let go of me!” You scream, trying to tear Maria’s arms off you, “I have to go with him!” 

“Darling, calm down.” She tries to soothe. 

“No!” Another roar from your lungs, “Let me see him!” 

You’re crying now, tears streaming down your face. You have to be near him. You have to know he’s okay. You can’t do this again, you can’t lose someone else, not like this. You’re trying to suck in breath through your mouth, but you just end up choking on the air as you continue to fight to get away, to follow behind Tommy who has rushed past you. You can see drops of blood on the ground, drop of Joel’s blood, and this is what finally causes you to throw up. His blood, on the floor, that means it’s bad. 

You can feel someone else behind you trying to pull you up as Maria helps from the front, trying to get you away from the mess you’ve made from emptying your stomach on the floor. You fall into Maria’s arms again when she wraps them around you, running a hand over your hair to try and calm you down, whispering that it’s going to be okay and that you can see him soon. 

Then, in your mind, your brain goes straight to Ellie. You’re whipping around, about to run back into the bar to get her, but when you do, you realise she’s the person who helped get you up off floor. 

“Oh my God,” You breathe, pulling her into a hug of her own, “Ellie.” 

She wraps her arms around your middle, squeezing you just as hard as you’re squeezing her before you pull away and cup her face in your hands. Her face is just as distraught as you must imagine yours is, although she’s not crying, just has a glazed look in her eye that breaks your heart even more. You don’t need to ask each other whether you’re okay. You both know the answer. You just pull back into each other and hug even tighter, until Maria is touching your lower back. 

“Let’s go to the hospital,” She says, leading you both down the street, following the very obvious trail of blood, “Tommy can tell us what the fuck is going on, if nothing else.” 

As you’re walking, you’re remembering the last time you made this trip to the hospital. Maria was guiding you then, you were crying then, knowing it was going to be the last time you got to see Mark. The last time you’d get to hold his hand. Watch the slow rise-and-fall of his chest. He was unconscious. He didn’t know you were there. He had no idea you kept hold of his hand right to the very end. 

Your feet are carrying you at this point. You don’t feel like you’re inside your body at all, don’t feel at all human. The only thing anchoring you to the real world is Ellie’s hand clutched in your own and Maria’s guiding arm around your waist. 

When you step through the doors of the hospital it’s a flurry. It looks as though Joel wasn’t the only one to get injured, although most of the other men in the waiting room look mainly walking wounded and not pouring blood out onto the ground. A nurse is tending to them as best she can, and then Tommy is bursting through the doors at the end of the hall, own clothes covered in blood, but looking like he might have gotten off scott-free, injury wise. 

“What the fucking hell happened out there?!” Maria is demanding as she lets go of your briefly to hug her husband. 

“It was a fuckin’ ambush,” Tommy spits, noticing Ellie and you stood behind her, shedding his jacket and throwing it to the side so you don’t have to look at the blood, “A whole fuckin’ group of ‘em, waiting us out at the lodge,” He lets Maria go, “Fuckin’ bastard’s took us by surprise, started firin’ all over the place, it was fuckin’ carnage,” He’s checking on Ellie next, “Thought we got ‘em all, and then outta fuckin’ nowhere this one guy manages to take a perfect shot at Joel, right through the shoulder.” 

“Can we…” You trail off as he takes you in an embrace, “Can we see him?” 

He pulls away, looking at you with eyes that says he’s sorry, and you’re not sure if he’s saying sorry because you can’t or because Joel might be dead. It makes your bottom lip wobble and more tears to spring in your eyes. 

“They’re tryin’ to dig a bullet outta his shoulder, sweetheart,” He says, “As soon as he’s comfortable we’ll let you in, alright?” 

You nod and let him, and Maria lead you and Ellie to a room that’s empty down the hall. Maria stays sat with you whilst Tommy goes to find something warm to drink, bringing back a flask of coffee that you don’t even bother to ask where he found it. He set a mug in your hands, giving Ellie some water instead, and that’s how you sit for what feels like hours. The room is mostly silent, save for the few times your emotions threaten to get the better of you and you have to take big, deep breaths to keep yourself in control. Your hand stays firmly clutched to Ellie’s; you both take turns rubbing your thumbs over each other’s hands to keep each other calm. 

You don’t know how much time has passed, but a doctor is opening the door. He’s got a mask over his mouth, but no gloves on, scrubs with splatters of blood on them. Everyone in the room sits up in their chairs, waiting for the axe to drop, “He’s fine,” There’s a collective sigh of relief, “He’s lucky the bullet got lodged, we managed to pull it out and stitch him up fine, he’s just a little tired from the blood loss,” You finally let out your own breath that you’d been holding in, “He can have visitors, but one at a time.” 

You turn to Ellie, “You go first,” You say, pulling her hand for her to stand up, “He’ll want to see you.” 

She stands but doesn’t leave to follow the doctor until she’s bent down to give you a bone crushing hug. Tommy follows her out soon after, mumbling something about needing to check on the other guys, which leaves you and Maria alone. 

“I’m sorry.” You mumble, suddenly all too embarrassed at your outburst in the street. 

“What on earth do you have to be sorry for?” 

“All that,” You gesture wildly with your hand, “Out there.” 

She gets up from her chair and kneels in front of you, comforting hands on your knees, “Don’t be so silly,” She soothes, “Even I was fucking scared by it all, I know how much he means to you, so you don’t need to be sorry, ever, you understand?”

“I just feel so stupid,” You can feel your tears starting again, “It was just a single bullet wound, why did I act like it was the end of the world?” 

“Because none of us knew that?” She offers, “He was almost unconscious girl, there was blood everywhere.” 

“I thought….” You trail off, not wanting to admit what’s on the tip of your tongue. 

“You thought you were going to lose him too?” 

All you do is nod, letting a tear trickle down your face. Maria’s cold hands come up to cup your cheeks, thumbs brushing away the tears, “That man is a stubborn son-of-a-bitch,” She soothes, “Gonna take a lot more than a single bullet to tear him away from you.” 

Maria is just lifting herself from t he floor when Ellie comes back into the room, Tommy behind her with his hands resting on her shoulders, “I’m gonna take Ellie home, but he wanted to see you.” He’s motioning to you. 

���Will you be alright on your own?” You ask to Ellie, it’s a stupid question, because she’s probably one of the most self-sufficient fifteen year old’s you’ve ever met, but you want her to know that she has you if she needs you. 

“I think I’ll probably just crash,” She shrugs, clearly still reeling herself from what happened, “I know where to find you tomorrow if I need you.” 

You give her one last hug before Tommy is leading her away down the hall, pointing through the doors at where you needed to go. 

When you push open the door to his room, Joel is sat, propped up in bed with his shoulder wrapped up in what has to have been almost all the communes supply of bandages. His face is pale, and you can tell he’s in pain, so you let the door close behind you and stand right there, waiting for him to invite you closer. His shirt is ripped, where the doctor obviously didn’t want to waste time trying to get him out of it in a dignified manner, and there’s blood covering the material and his jeans have a fair splattering of it as well. 

“It looks worse than it is, I promise,” He speaks softly, motioning for you to come and sit on the chair next to his bed, “I’m sorry I scared you.” 

You shake your head as you take a seat, shuffling the chair closer to the bed, “Don’t be silly,” You respond, “You were bleeding quite profusely, you didn’t need to worry about me.” 

He offers you his hand, led on the bed, palm upturned, which you take, wrapping your own hand around his, giving it a squeeze, just to make sure he is really still here, “Are you okay?” He asks, squeezing you hand back. 

“Joel, please,” You sigh, “Don’t ask about me when you just got shot.” 

“Well, I know I’m okay, and now you know I’m okay, so I’m asking you, sweet pea, are you okay?” 

“I was so scared Joel,” You whimper, lip trembling, “I thought- oh god – that I might lose you as well.” 

He releases your hand, only to brush the tears from your face before he’s gripping it again, “You listen to me,” He speaks, you look at him, “I have been shot at more times than I remember, it’s going to take hell of a lot more than a bullet to take me away from you, do you understand me?” 

You nod, using. Your own free hand to wipe away more tears that have fallen from your eyes, “Can I hug you?” 

“Promise to watch out for my shoulder?” He teases, you nod with a small smile, “Then I’d love a hug.” 

You stand from the chair, leaning over to wrap your arms around his neck. Joel sits forward just a touch to let your arms snake around him, before his good arm is clutching around you and pulling you down. You let your head drop to the crook of his neck, where you turn and press a kiss to his skin, breathe in his scent, take him all in. 

It’s in this moment that you realise you might just have the capacity to love this man. This man who has done nothing but be kind to you. This man who has been so patient and soft and understanding at every marker of whatever this relationship was. This man who kissed you like his life depended on it, clearly capable of such extreme violence that would have kept him alive, but never once showing you that side of him. You can’t say it, not yet it’s too fast, but the panic you had felt at the prospect of losing him meant you knew exactly who he was to you. You could love Joel Miller, you wanted so desperately to love Joel Miller. You just prayed the world would give you enough time together to do it.

Joel Miller Taglist:  @winwin70@jessie8605@trulybetty@amanitacowboy@morning-star-joy@tieronecrush@leeeesahhh@babeincolor@beee-haw@kirsteng42@mirandablue1@sixxslut@impala1967dwinchester@flash2412@gimmebackmysoul@kelp-dreaming@gracie7209@voteforpedro09@brittmb115@karokaroxx@amb11@heartfairy @grumpy-the-tired @Lillilotus @doctorstatic@morallyinept@southernbe@elissaa@pop-sugar102@u-luciferssatanicdaughter@alyhull@purplerain44@harryleatherfit@lovely-ateez@emilianamason @bootyliciousposts @lorilane33@casa-boiardi@cupofjoel @dinsdjrn @tightjeansjavi @cavillscurls @darkroastjoel @morning-star-joy

[babayagakeanu]

it’s not living (if it’s not with you)

pairing: John Constantine/reader

Summary: John realizes there’s nothing more in life that he wants more than you.

**this gif sent me into a short spiral so I had to use it. Like how dare you look at me like that sir?**

You’ve know John since you were in the hospital he stayed at when he attempted to take his life, and since you had a medical background, you have been his person to go to when he needed stitching up. Ever since, you two’ve grown closer over the years, and you harbored a serious crush on John. Something about the way his deep eyes bore into you as you speak, always throwing you off balance. Maybe it was because he was older, ten years older and somehow you go off on that.

Or maybe it was because two weeks ago, he stopped at your doorstep liquored up and gave you the best night of your life. Since that heated, drunken night, he hasn’t come around much, and he was in here every other night. You knew you couldn’t trust him with your feelings. Since when do we trust men with gorgeous eyes, who are tall and charismatic, and tease you endlessly? It was ten o’clock at night, you were fresh out of the shower after a long day and ready to relax for the remainder of your evening in front of your tv. Heating up and eating a microwave dinner, you scroll through the channels before settling on some old 2000s rom-com. Finishing your dinner, you set it on the cheap coffee table in front of you, and just as the movie is getting good, John knocks on your door.

Sighing, you know it’s John because he came up with specific knock to use when he needed somewhere safe to land, or close a hole in his flesh. You swing open the door to find John, bloodied and beaten.

“Oh my fucking God, John!” your gasp comes out as a whisper, being mindful of your other neighbors. “What the fuck happened to you?” You help him inside, half of his weight leaning on you as you guide him to the chair in your kitchen.

“Just a coupla’ really strong demons,” he mutters, “got an whiskey?” Another sigh from you. Always drinking, thinking it’s going to heal his inside problems. You slam a glass down in front of him and pour hima few fingers of whiskey. This will also help manage his pain once you start threading through his skin. Walking to the cabinet in the hallway, you grab the first aid kit, along with a suture and needle, and a pair of slightly rusty scissors.

Sitting down in front of him, you open your kit. “Just keep sipping on your drink, John. I’m gonna start, now.” Wiping down your needle with alcohol, you thread the suture through and the first piercing of the needle is enough to make John wince. He gulps his drink greedily, slamming it down on the table.

“Jesus, you never hold back, do you?” He cracks, exhaling shortly as the second pierce happens. You give him a muttered affirmation and he notices your silence. “Why are you so quiet, y/n?”

You sighs rolling your eyes at him. “ ‘Cause, John, I just am today. I’m not really in the mood for your antics tonight. I lost a patient today, seventeen years old.” John groans a final time as you tie the suture, holding it in place.

“I’m sorry,” He murmurs, reaching for your hand but you recoil, causing John to look at you weird. “Seriously? What’s going on with you, y/n?” He begs you, and you almost give in, ready to tell him to forget about it, but you’ve reached your boiling point.

“You really don’t get anything, do you, John?” You whirl around, anger seeping through your pores. “Do you remember what happened two weeks ago? Or were you just too fucking drunk to remember?” You spit, venom lacing your words.

He looks at you incredulously. “Me? Remember two weeks ago? Y/n, I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday. What has got you all wound up?” He defends himself so easily.

“You wanna know what happened?” You shout, getting closer to him, challenging him to see who could shout the loudest.

“Yeah, I think I do!” John barks back, hands on his hips as he leans closer to your face. You could see the anger swirling in his eyes, and this fight is probably not what he needs right now, but it’s what you need.

“Fine!” You shout, “Two weeks ago, you show up here drunk as a skunk, telling me how much you love me, how much you care about me, and then we fuck!” His eyes are widened, and a small flush is making it’s way to his cheeks. You continue, because you’re not quite finished yet. “And the best part about this is that I can’t stop thinking about you, and how I will never feel like that with anyone else but you! That’s the real fucking reason, John!”

Your rant rings through the halls, and the silence makes itself present. John shakes his head, sits back down, and lights a cigarette. “Y/n, I remember.” Is all he says. You give him a look that’s teetering on ‘I’m gonna fucking kill you’ and ‘you’re dead meat’. “Let me finish,” he warns you, “I remember because I woke up in your bed naked, and with the most gorgeous woman lying next to me. You didn’t see me because I left.” He takes a drag of his cigarette and you ask him why.

“I left thinking that I am not worthy of your love, y/n. I’m a bad person with an even worse conscience. I left thinking there is no way in hell, that someone like you chooses to be with me. Y/n, as soon as I met you, it was over for me. Gone were the days of enjoying my solitude, enjoying my loneliness and misery, because there was you. I am not gonna live anymore if it’s not gonna be with you.” Standing up, he takes your hand and lifts you from your chair. Grabbing your face between his hands, he kisses you sweetly. The smell of a freshly smoked cigarette lingers on his lips and you breath him in. Leather and smoke.

“So does that mean?” You ask him, and he laughs.

“Yeah, I love you, kid.” You squeal, smiling through a kiss as you lead him towards your bedroom, where John shows just how much he can’t live without you.

————————————————————

Just a short one today as I scheme up some new drafts here! I cannot tell you guys how happy I’m back to be in my blog. I deleted the backup before realizing that it would delete my work that I wrote over there, but it’s fine, I wasn’t too happy with that plot for John wick and felt I could do better! Anyways, here’s a Constantine one, because we all love our sexy smart-ass. hugs and kisses!

[weixuldo]

Enigma// ch 20

anakin x reader

a/n: i’m not a medical professional so don’t mind in accurate info lmfaooo- there is barf in this chapter only because i’m trying to make it realistic to what actually occurs after these procedures ( plus i kinda like writing whump lol)

The extent of Anakin’s condition is revealed and you wait for him to stabilize

warnings: cursing, alcohol abuse, emtephobia (barf and stuff…), hospitals, alcohol poisoning

_______________________________

“Ben!” you called when you spotted the bearded man sitting in the waiting room. 

“Y/n, Ahsoka- You two didn’t have to come, I could hav-”

“No, I want to be here” you interrupted. 

“Where is he?” Ahsoka asked.

“He’s still being treated, but they said a room should be ready for him soon”.

“Did they tell you his evaluation? What’s happening to him?” you asked.

“Yes, they concluded it was severe alcohol poisoning, enough to trigger a seizure and enough that he went into an alcoholic coma… I’m not sure for how long, but he definitely could have died.”

“How much did he have to drink to be in a fucking coma?!” Ahsoka exclaimed. 

“I’m not sure, but this is the most he’s ever drank,” Ben answered sadly, “but in addition he must have hit his head when he fell because he also sustained a mild concussion. “

Ahsoka seemed more frustrated than sad at the moment, “Un-fucking-believable!” she huffed. 

“Of course he was fucking drinking. I tell him he needs to go back to rehab or he at least needs some help, but does he listen to me...? No! And now here he is- going into a coma over it”.

You felt awful about Anakin’s admittance to the hospital, but you also understood the frustration Ash was feeling. She crossed her arms aggressively and tilted her face away, but you couldn’t help but hear her sniffles. 

“Ash?” you called, gently turning her towards you. Tears streamed down her face as her bottom lip quivered. 

“Ash…” you sighed, pulling her into your chest. 

“I-I try s-so hard to help him- but h-he…. I ju-just don’t want him to d-ie” she cried into your shoulder. 

Her outburst of emotion hit you in the feels and in turn made you teary as well; Ben came up and rubbed Ahsoka’s arm in comfort.

“I know Ahsoka. I know”.

_________________________________________

Days passed and Anakin was finally released from the ICU to a normal hospital room; it had a nice view of the city and good natural lighting. The room was equipped with a sofa and armchair as well as Anakin’s bed (of course). 

For the past few days you had taken residence in his room; sleeping on the couch and keeping spare clothes in a duffle bag, just to keep an eye on him.

You were the one to stay with him everyday because Ben and Satine had work and Ash had training camp.

Honestly, you only offered since they were all busy and you really had nothing else to do. 

The sofa was definitely an inconvenience for you, it was hard, didn’t have much space, and your back already hurt from the extra weight of your belly. 

You yawned and stretched your arms as you sat up from the couch beside Anakin’s bed.  

Taking Anakin’s reduced body size into account, the effects of the alcohol he consumed were amplified. His coma had lasted for 5 days and they continually pumped his stomach as well as gave him plenty of IV fluids.

Since they had gotten his vitals back to normal (relatively), he was predicted to wake up any day. 

Anakin looked so weak wrapped in the white sheets, a breathing tube sticking out of his mouth, wires connected to him, and tubes coming from every which way.

You had seen him without his prosthetics before, but the harsh hospital atmosphere made it all the more noticeable, you knew he would hate that he was disassembled when he woke. 

You heard a noise coming from Anakin and you saw his eyes weakly opening and closing as he choked on the tube down his throat. Immediately you jumped up and called nurses into the room. 

You weren't sure how conscious he was but you did know he was definitely scared. After a while you were let back into the room and told that he may be vomiting for the next few hours from all of the stomach pumps, concussion, and other shit that had happened. The head nurse told you that it was normal but to notify them if there was blood in the throw up. 

You thanked each nurse for watching over him and entered the room, fully prepared to take care of him.

He was lying in the same position he was earlier, but now he just had an oxygen tube running under his nose instead of the breathing tube.

You approached him and found his eyes were closed- he was probably resting. 

He threw up on and off for the next few hours, but it was the last time that was the worst. 

You grabbed one of the bins they gave you as you wondered if he was even cognizant enough to comprehend what was happening.

The dull room was on the chilly side but you could see the sheen of sweat forming on his brow, he was fighting so hard. 

You grabbed a cloth and went to dab at his forehead when he coughed, your eyes widened as you used your arms to sit him up so he wouldn’t choke. He coughed some more and began to drool, you grabbed a can and held it in front of him as you helped hold him up. His eyes were still closed and his head rested on your shoulder until you leaned him over the bin when he started to retch. 

You really had never been able to be around throw up without feeling sick to your stomach, but this was different: all you could think about was how you wanted it to be over so he could finally rest. 

His head was in the can and you rubbed his back as his body shook with the violent rolls of nausea. 

After a few minutes he finally finished and you put the bin on the ground so you could help him lie back down.

The metal can was definitely heavier than when you had originally given it to him, but you would have to take care of that bag later, now you need to focus on Anakin. 

He was almost about to fall over when you got back from setting the can down so you rushed to his side and grabbed one of the many washcloths the nurses had left in the room for this very occasion. 

His eyes were unfocused and barely open: that answered your question, he was not cognizant.

He groaned as you wiped his mouth and brushed his soft curls back; slick with his sweat. 

“Shh, shh, it’s going to be ok, Ani” you comforted, helping him lie back down. 

You rolled him onto his side just in case he started again and brushed your fingers through his hair. His brows were kneaded together and he was shaking; this was bad. 

A frown found its way onto your face as you watched him suffer, you never wanted him to have to go through this. 

After a few more minutes you removed your warm hand from him and went to assess the bin- there was no blood, so at least that was a good sign.

You stepped into the hall to call a nurse but there was already one there who had a custodian on the way. You thanked her and the custodian for being so patient with Anakin and you. 

After everything was sanitized you went back to sitting beside Anakin, you scanned his face for any signs of coherency but he was still really out of it.

The only sign of emotion was the small tears that fell from the corners of his closed eyes. 

______________________________________

Anakin tried to open his eyes but there was a blinding light shining down; he tried to speak but no words were forming. 

You noticed his rasping from the chair beside his bed and quickly jumped up and went to his side. He was attempting to pull off his oxygen tube but you stopped him and gently placed your hands on his face. With you blocking the overhead light, he could finally open his eyes. 

“Anakin?” you asked, trying to make sure he was actually up. 

He hummed and glanced around until he saw the IV pole and realized he was in the hospital quicker than you could have imagined his vitals went crazy. You backed up in shock as he tussled around in the bed, attempting to get out. You knew he had PTSD from being in the hospital during his recovery, but you didn’t expect it to be as bad as it clearly was. 

“Anakin it’s alright!” you tried to calm him, but he was too scared. 

Soon a team of nurses rushed in and took over before he could hurt himself; they ushered you out in the process. You texted Ben and Ahsoka to let them know that he was awake.

Once he was settled, you were allowed back in; his bed was propped up so that he was sitting and he had his head turned away from the door. 

Gingerly, you walked towards him as you tried to think of what to say. 

“Anakin?” 

Nothing. 

You sighed.

“Look, I know I'm the last person you want to see right now but putting that aside, I needed to know that you were going to be alright…”

Finally, he met your eyes.

“Did you put me in here?” he asked, more sadly than accusatory.

“No, Ben found you and called 911” 

He nodded, “I don’t remember- I don’t know what happened. I just woke up and you were there with lights shining from behind you”. 

Your face formed a sad smile, “you had severe alcohol poisoning. You were non-responsive…a-and your pulse was gone.”

His brows furrowed as he tried to comprehend what you were saying. 

“They had to pump your stomach and when they finally got your vitals back up, you had already slipped into a coma” you explained.

“People don't just go into a coma from alcohol, surely it had to be something else” he protested.

“Anakin, you had a blood alcohol concentration of .57…. Your average is .15” 

He looked up to the ceiling and laid his head back onto the pillow. 

“Fuck” he exclaimed. 

“Anakin, you can’t keep doing this-”

“I know,” he interjected with a frustrated tone. 

He took a breath and began to cough; he continued and you stepped closer, “Anakin, do you need your inhaler, I can go get-”

“I'm -” he coughed once more, “fine”.

You took another step closed and laid a gentle hand on the end of his arm stump but he quickly retracted his limb from your reach. You flinched and looked at him with wide eyes, you only meant to comfort him. 

His blue eyes looked more fearful than angry, what was going on?

His gaze traveled from your perplexed face down towards your growing stomach; his pupils dilated slightly before he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“Please leave”

“But Anak-”

“Please” he pleaded, refusing to look at you. 

Your teeth gently bit down on your lower lip and you nodded, slowly heading for the door.

At the entrance, you rested a hand on the door frame and caught one last look at the man in the bed; tubes and medical tape all over his body, the hospital grade blue gown, even his sandy curls looked sad.

You had never seen him look so helpless, so dejected; surely he was lost in thought- to him this was probably torture. 

He already hated hospitals, but now he couldn’t even entertain himself with his phone. In addition, the doctors weren’t allowing him to put on his prosthetics yet.

He wanted nothing more than to just go home and sleep. 

As for you, you just wanted the father of your child to be able to recover and hopefully reign in his deadly addiction. 

***

a/n: sorry for all the throw up in the chapters lately (i just wanna try and make it as realistic as possible :( ) buuuttt next chapter will heat up emotionally and we’ll start seeing more y/n x ani moments :)) i have so many plot points i wanna do, so i’m not sure how long this fic is gonna end up being…. i hope you stick around though!! thanks for reading :)

taglist: @dnamht @sxoulohvn @angeelcoree @wtf-andys @httpeachesblog @katsukiswrld @jetiikote @poisonedsultana @imarimone12 @fallinlovewithevil

[whumpfessional]

Never Have I Ever

Team bonding with the younger team members. When the captain (and EO and chief engineer and chief medical) are away, the mice will play.

Cw: alcohol, past minor whump, past slavery, minor whump references.

“Hey Circe, wanna join us for a drink?” 

Circe looked up from her data pad to see Lyle’s head hanging in the doorway. “Manny brought some back from shore.” She stared at him, still quiet. 

“You’ve drank before, right?” He asked after a slight pause. Circe looked away and shook her head. “Oh shit! Well you gotta come then! Come on, get up.” Lyle reached into the room, offering his hand out to Circe and pulling her up. “Let’s go.” 

Some of the crew had already gathered in the mess. It seemed like the younger members of the crew, Pilar, CJ, Emily, and Manny were already there and they were all shouting loudly when the two of them walked in. 

“It wasn’t my fault-“

“Oh really? Not your fault?”

“Look how is he supposed to remember who he fucks? Medical probably spends half its budget on STI tests for him.”

“Hey!”

“Most of Medical’s budget goes towards patching you up from your dumb fights.”

“That guy on Taren 7 had it coming-“

“And on Eden Prime?”

“Hey! He’s the one who got sucker punched by an ex today!”

“She’s not an ex! We hooked up once!”

“Lyle! You found her!” Pilar looked past CJ to see them come in. “Come sit! We are just talking about Manny’s ex from port today.” 

“Not an ex!” Manny called out with a grin on his face, moving over on the bench to make room for them. Lyle plopped down next to him and Circe slid in besides Emily. CJ took a swig from the bottle and slid it down the table to Lyle. “So how was your day watching over the ship?” 

Lyle flipped him off, “It was much better than usual without all you assholes around.” He twisted the top off the bottle. Circe examine it as he struggled slightly. It was a tall bottle filled with an translucent amber liquid. Amber was kind, actually. It was brown and had some type of sediment resting at the bottom. Lyle raised it up to his lips and swallowed deeply, making a face as he lowered the bottle and wiped the back of his mouth off on his hand. 

The bottle made its way over to Circe.

It wasn’t like she hasn’t encountered alcohol before. There was that stolen sip she barely remembered, tasting of iron and violet. She had served it too many times to count and remembered very clearly when she had had to clean up after Balak and his buddies had gotten their hands on a bottle of Ryncol. She also remembered very clearly the screams of the serving boy who had had his hand cut off for stealing a bottle of wine.

She raised the bottle to her nose to take a sniff, recoiling. It smelled like cleaning fluid and as she made a face, she realized that the conversation had died down slightly and the others were looking at her. Without a second thought, Circe brought the bottle up to her lips and took a swig. It took all of her composure to not cough at the drink. It was like medicine and bitterness and burning but she slammed the bottle back down and swallowed. 

There was a pause. 

“Ayyy! Atta’girl!”

“You took that better than Lyle did!”

“Hey! At least I don’t have to mix it with juice!”

“A lady knows what she likes,” said Pilar, who slid a glass over to Circe. “Have a sip, it’ll get the taste out of your mouth. The shit CJ buys could clean an engine.”

Circe took a sip appreciatively and the evening continued on loudly. 

Emily brought out her dice and began to try to explain the rules of a gambling game. The rules entirely went over her head so Pilar let her join her team, to which the others complained that teams weren’t allowed. They shut up a bit after Pilar reminded them that Circe had no credits of her own to bet. 

They were interesting to watch, Circe observed as they all shouted over one another, claiming that the dice had somehow been weighted. She would have never believed that a group of people could fight so much but still love each other so intensely. Lyle reached across the table to trying to grab the dice from where Pilar was holding them over her head. Circe felt the dice slip into her hands and Pilar gave her a wink as she stood up from the table, holding her hands high. 

Guessing the game was based around their shared love of mocking Lyle, she slipped them over to Emily, who grinned at her in surprise. It took Lyle a good ten minutes to eventually locate the dice, which CJ had hidden in his sock. 

“I have an idea!” Emily called out as the others settled back into their seats. She stood up and grabbed some plastic cups from the storage area, as well as a pitcher of juice from the fridge. She began to measure out glasses of the liquor and the juice, heavy on the alcohol, and passed them out to the crew. “We are going to play Never Have I Ever.”

CJ let our a groan and moved to stand up, “Come on, Em, I’m not in my twenties anymore.” 

“Neither is Manny, and with Circe and Lyle playing, they lower the average age.” Pilar pointed out, accepting her drink. 

Manny pushed back his hair, “You just like this game because you get to make fun of me for stuff you already know.” 

“It’ll be good for Circe!” Lyle interrupted, “She doesn’t know a lot about us.”

The crew paused and turned to look at Circe, who gave a slight smile. She had no clue what they were talking about but they all seemed to come to an agreement. CJ retook his seat.

“Okay, it’s really simple,” Emily started, “you started off by saying ‘Never have I ever’ and then you say something you haven’t done. If the people in the group have done it, then they have to drink. Got it? The person who drinks goes next.”

Circe gave a nod and pulled her drink closer to herself. Emily gave a grin.

“I’ll start. Never have I ever touched a Krogan’s quad.” Emily said with a smirk, looking over at Manny.

“That’s not fucking fair and you know it.” Manny grimaced and took a sip of his drink. “I didn’t tell you that so you could exploit it like this.” He looked around, examining the others. “Never have I ever killed a patient.”

“Euthanasia is not murder! Not when it’s a dog!” Pilar called out, taking a sip anyways. “Never have I ever lived on another planet than my home world.”

Circe took a sip, as well as half the others. It continued for a bit, the others laughing loudly as embarrassing stories came out. 

“Never have I ever eaten a frog”

“Never have I ever jumped out of an air shuttle”

“Never have I ever been mugged by a Volos”

“Never have I ever poisoned a target”

“Never have I ever mind melded with an Asari”

“Never have I ever been to Earth”

“Never have I ever gotten kicked out of a bar”

“Yeah? Well never have I ever been whipped,” said CJ, pointing at Manny.

“Wrong! I was flogged! There’s a difference.” called out Manny with a smirk.

Until this point, Circe had just been trying to keep up, listening for something she had done. Without thinking, quickly she took a sip, happy to be able to participate. When she put down her glass though, the table was quiet. And looking at her. Oh no, they were looking at her. 

“I... ah” her voice came out quiet and still scratchy from disuse. She began to look around the room, trying to figure out which exit was closest when she felt a hand rest of her arm. She jerked back, before looking up at Pilar, who had withdrawn her hand and looked at her with sympathy. 

“It’s your turn, Circe.” She said with a smile.

“I.. ah..” Circe started again, looking around at their faces. They were all so kind and for a second she wanted to scream. Instead, she reached for her glass and drained it, pushing it back toward Emily, who dutifully grabbed the bottle from the table. “Never have I ever drank Ryncol.”

CJ took a sip and the table began to loudly clammer and demand to hear about his experience, the loudness taking over from the silence and Circe found herself relaxing again into the space, laughing when Manny told the story of how he had had to escape naked from the governors house on New Canton. The statements came quicker than ever. 

“Never have I ever had Captain call me a kiss ass”

“Never have I ever had a crush on film stars from the 20th century”

“Never have I ever watched all the episodes of that dumb Hanar detective show”

“Fuck you! That’s a masterpiece and you know it! Never have I ever been stabbed.”

Circe took a sip at this point, feeling a phantom ache in her thigh. But CJ drank too so the question went to him. It was easier this time, only Pilar’s gaze lingered on her slightly as they continued. Lyle took a sip as well.

“Being stabbed with a pencil doesn’t count!”

“Well it still fucking hurt! And there was blood.”

“Whatever, Lyle. Get back to me when you’ve actually been stabbed.”

“Stop gatekeeping being stabbed!”

“Why do you even want to have been stabbed? I’ve been poked with an pencil before and it didn’t even hurt.”

“That’s not all you’ve been poked with.”

“Ayy ohh!”

“Fuck you too!”

“You wish!”

“Never have I ever kissed an alien”

“Is that racist?”

“I don’t think so. Is it?”

“Fuck if I know.”

“Do you not kiss them because you don’t like them?”

“Nah I’m just not attracted to them.”

“I don’t think that’s racist then.”

“Never have I ever been handcuffed”

Sip. Gasps from around the table as Pilar takes a sip before she reminds them of the con they tried to pull on Erinie involving handcuffs and five barrels of fuel. 

“Never have I ever missed calling my parents at Christmas”

Everyone took a sip at that except for the asker, Pilar. 

“Does it really count if my dad’s dead?” called out Lyle from the end of the table.

“Did you call him?” 

“No”

“Then it counts.”

The game dissolved from there, turning to ouija boards and mystics that they had encountered on their travels. Emily was extolling the values of the fortune tellers on Freedom’s Progress when CJ pushed up, stretching his arms above his head.

“I’m gonna go hit the sack. We got shit to do tomorrow.” He held up a hand in a wave as he walked out of the room, the others yelling after him about being a lightweight. Pilar stood up as well.

“I’m going to turn in too. Circe? You coming?” Pilar asked. Circe looked down at her drink and realized that it was empty again. Probably a sign. The world spun slightly as she got to her feet and Pilar offered an arm to her, which she ignored. That was, until she stumbled and smashed her knee into the bench. Manny and Emily at least had the decency that Lyle lacked to try to cover their laughs. Her ears burned Pilar helped her up and out of the room. 

Circe leaned on Pilar as they walked down the hallway. They were about the same height. Circe realized as they reached the door to their quarters that Pilar had been leaning just as much back on Circe. Circe shot her a puzzled look, to which Pilar began to snicker. “I didn’t want them to notice,” Pilar snorted, plopping herself down on her bunk. “Thanks for the assist.”

Circe mirrored her, laying back onto her own bed. She kicked off her boots and let them fall of the bed. The world spun slightly when she closed her eyes so instead she stared at the ceiling above her, listening to Pilar rummaging through the cupboard in their bathroom area. 

“Here.” A hand appeared over her face, holding a white pill. Circe reached up to grab it, rolling over to face Pilar. “It will help you feel better when you wake up. Nothing worse than working in the engines when hungover.” 

Circe looked down at the pill for a moment. It was smaller but blood began to rush in her ears. She felt hot and cold and her back began to ache.

Ghorek. Dead. Her heart ached in his chest.

She swallowed down the pill as fast as possible, chasing it with some water. It was cold and centred her, taking her time enjoying the clean taste. Not metallic. She was in a soft bed. Her name was Circe. 

She tried to hand Pilar back the bottle but it was pushed into Circe’s hands. “Trust me, you are going to want to drink all of that.” 

Finishing up the bottle of water, Circe curled back up in her bed, her eyes heavy. She lay in the darkness, listening to Pilar’s breath deepen. The girl clenched and unclenched her fists, trying to breathe. 

She was here. She was on the Aspida. She was safe. Her name was Circe. She was free.

“Pilar?” The word spilled out of her before she could keep it locked inside. 

There was a grunt from across the room. 

“I...I had fun tonight.” Circe sat in the silence for a moment, “Thank you.”

She heard the rustle of blankets as Pilar turned over. “You’re a part of our crew now, Circe. You’re one of us.”

The room was silent for a while longer, until soft snores told Circe that Pilar had fallen asleep. And Circe slept too. And that night, she didn’t dream.

Circe tag: @annablogsposts

[sanchezpoetry]

      My addictive tendencies and general issues are currently in full swing. But my relationship with alcohol specifically isn’t just the fact that I’m a drunk raised around addicts. It served various purposes before. It served as my anxiety medication, my painkiller, my anti-depressant, my coping mechanism and my celebratory/relaxation method, my sleeping aid, and even a method to make art (through writing. The majority of my Entire first book was written when I had a buzz)

       I refuse to take painkillers. Being so powerlifting and martial arts oriented, I tend to push my body A LOT. (Another symptom of my addictive tendencies) and I would/do often get various aches and pains as a result. But I refuse to take painkillers because there’s no doubt in my mind that I would probably end up as a hardcore junkie the way my ex was. There was a reason I was so hopelessly attracted to her. I’m a very anxious person, and alcohol helps with that A LOT. As it does with my depression. Same goes for anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I have severe sleeping issues, and at one time, alcohol was the way that I would force myself to sleep. As odd as it sounds, I don’t care much for eating, and my predisposition to enjoy drinking makes that even worse.

Sometimes I wonder how much of it is really my addictions manifesting, or if it’s just a really bad habit that gets catastrophic when coupled with my various other issues, that all become ever more exacerbated because I’ve been working nights. Various nurses and doctors have all told me that what I’m feeling is perfectly normal considering that I’m working in a way that contradicts human biology. Many others have stated that it isn’t really anything other than working nights for so long that’s fucking me up so much. And honestly, as much as I say I’m an alcoholic, I’m not nearly at the level my family was/is.

Getting back to the basics and my original plan when I was intended to temporarily switch to nights is essentially where I’m at now. A lot of things and mistakes happened from when I started to now. The biggest one being that this night bullshit is becoming permanent/long term.  I learned a lot about myself, health, and overall human biology. It’s taken almost a whole year of working nights, but I came up with a general rule list to make sure I stay on a healthy path.

-        No drinking/reading/eating before sleep.

-        No carbs (only lean meats, fruits, and vegetables)

-        No type of exercise any less than 8 hours before I intend to sleep (Exercise when you wake up)

-        No coffee any less than 8 hours before I intend to sleep.

-        No napping. (Suck it up, and force yourself to stay awake)

-        Prioritize sleep (7 to 9 hours tops)

-        Make sure to get sunlight as much as possible.

-        Rely on discipline and knowledge to build routines.

-        Medication serves as an AID, not as something to rely on.

   One of the most amusing things about everything I’m talking about is, I’m one of the most well-disciplined and hard working addicts you will ever meet. I’ve built up my levels of discipline, knowledge basis, reading, art making, and mental/physical strength to the highest and most scrutinous levels that they have ever been. And that includes when I was in the USMC, in college, and even a competitive high school athlete. So in the grand scheme of things at this point, I’m actually the best I’ve ever been. This season of my life has both heightened my strengths and exacerbated my flaws simultaneously. And it is extremely difficult to get an accurate reading on my self-analysis.

      The only real option is to increase my discipline, knowledge, and overall mentality. Move forward, improve myself, and let nothing, not even myself get in my way.

[phireco]

Written by someone I love

Goodbye alcohol. You never improved me at all

You had the grip to paralyze me, hold me down and back, consume my every thought, time and time again, you helped me fall.

16 years clean from drugs but never really free at all, I told myself it was okay… it was only alcohol.

You crawled out of the woodwork

And you whispered into my brain, just because you weren’t the drugs that controlled me before, it was okay to use you all the same.

And it seems to me I’ve lived my life lying, hiding, numbing feelings and the pain, never knowing if i could ever stop, telling myself it wasn’t me who was insane. And living in all the shame.

How could I ever stop? How could I admit it all again? Would my life improve without you? Or is this just who I really am?

You were the main mission when I woke, and continue all day through… I couldn’t function, face the world or make a plan, if it didn’t involve you.

You were my dirty secret. I thought I had those around me fooled. Lauren just likes to drink her wine every day, it seemed the normal thing to do. But if they only knew. The endless toxic relationship I held and hid with you.

Loneliness was tough, in isolation with you and with you I overstayed.

I thought you created a superstar, but pain was ultimately the price I paid.

And it seemed to me I could live my life like you wouldn’t destroy me, living in denial because I was too scared to just be me. Because who can that person be? Can she ever be normal? And what does that even mean?

And I would still like to keep you. Have a normal relationship like others do. But your presence in my life would burn me out, hurt others and for what, all for you? What did you ever contribute?

And I would still like to have you, but you never tell the truth. You make a liar out of me, destroy what’s real I have, my relationships, most of all you wreck me too. I shouldn’t want you as my best friend and confidant, but you’ve been able to make me think I needed you. That was never close to true.

So now what’s there to do? There’s so much left to do. And I have to figure all of it out, and I have to do it without you. I know that’s the only way to make it through.

So goodbye alcohol,

it’s time we end this and be through. It’s time to be who I can be- and I promise I’ll never forget you. I hope I never forget everything you do.

Thanks, I guess, for being there when my world was crashing down and blue. But you aren’t real, you’re not a fix, not a medication for the flu. Reality is life isn’t always fair… fuck this disease and fuck you too. Time to sever ties, rebuild myself, have no more regrets and just be true. Life will be better off, so much better off when i learn to live a life of meaning and that can never include you.

Maybe one day on the flip side we can meet again, when you aren’t an allergy. And you don’t take the best of me. Peace out Pinot grig.

- Lauren L

[88088-8]

Well. A lot has happened. I spiraled. I really lost control for a minute and i kept telling myself that my lifestyle wasn’t going to catch up to me. But it did. On Christmas Day i had multiple seizures and the paramedics had to sedate me to stop them. I woke up in ICU. I was in a medically induced coma for almost 24 hours. Also when i was having the seizures i fell one of the first times and i hit my head so bad that i suffered a severe Traumatic Brain Injury.

Well come to find out, i am epileptic. Which makes sense because I’ve been experiencing focal seizures since i was a teenager. The first time i ever lost consciousness i was 15 and it was December 30th. 2010.

I don’t know the dates and events of all the other times i had an “episode” but it was often and most of my close friends had been around to see it happen.

So long story short. It’s will cost me my life if I don’t make lifestyle changes. Im going to drink more water. Eat better. Be there more for my daughter and never ever ever go out and party again. I CAN NEVER EVER DO NOSE STUFF AGAIN.. OR I WILL WITHOUT A DOUBT DIE. And i know that. Im just afraid that if i drink ill forget that momentarily. And thats how that spiral begins.

I haven’t even been cleared to drink alcohol by a neurologist yet but even once i do I don’t have any desire to drink. It just gives me a headache and leads me to bad decisions.

Also, ill be on anti-seizure medicine for the rest of my life. And in a couple weeks when i feel 100% like myself again im going to start taking anti depressants again.

I just want to talk about the guilt and shame i feel about fucking Christmas Day up. I was up all night, talking about bullshit with another couple that doesnt matter. Yes, Caleb was there. And luckily the other couple was there because if they weren’t then no one could have taken over for halie. But i have intrusive thoughts, and im sad that a season of memories were completely lost.

But im just going to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, and as long as its not in vain it will be worth it. A wake up call.. divine intervention. Saving my life. Saving my daughters childhood.

THANK YOU JESUS CHRIST FOR SAVING ME!

[alltheselights]

Yeah, this is not a normal break for a young person to get from daily life. The smoking and drinking and just being bird-boned to start with will have factored in. And I do think he’s surrounded by enablers who just keep cheering his lifestyle choices. I’m not a pearl-clutcher by any means, but the chain smoking and the drinking for a guy whose parents both had serious cancer before they hit 50 is worrisome. People who just drink casually don’t talk about it like Louis does. Getting drunk before his album launch performance rather than after is not great. Nor is associating getting wasted with celebrating. He’s 30. You can see on his face that it’s taking a toll. He does not have a healthy glow. And often has puffy eyes and sallow skin. I’m not judging him. He’s got a daily struggle with the closet he’s burdened with, he’s had serious traumas while feeling he has to temper his own emotions to look out for his family…all that emotional baggage adds up. I doubt he’s ever allowed himself to fully grieve. Glass half full!!! Seems more like he’s self medicating with drink to avoid it all. And not a single person around him who’ll speak the truth. Or who seem to even have empathy for him. Does he have any relationships where he’s the receiver rather than the giver?

To preface my response, I think some of what you said is a little extreme and I don’t think it’s the place of anyone to decide that someone else is abusing alcohol because alcohol abuse looks different on everyone and I know that firsthand because it’s touched my life directly. I’ve said this to people in the past when I’ve gotten worried anons and I think it’s important to recognize.

That being said, I do agree that Louis’ overall lack of care for himself is very concerning and something that shouldn’t be laughed about or celebrated. Just before he tweeted, I was watching this interview where he is asked how he takes care of himself on tour and he explicitly said “I don’t” and then said that he’ll do that when he’s older. Louis, honey, you already are older. Yes, 30 is still young, but there’s a reason why people hit like age 25 and start realizing that their hangovers hit harder and their knees are starting to crack. Your body is aging and needs to be treated better and needs more recovery time. This is true of everyone, but especially someone with such a demanding career.

He’s a grown man and fans have no control over his behavior, but I do wish that he’d make an effort to quit smoking (not only for his singing voice, but for his fucking LIFE) and I wish that he’d at least be more responsible with the drinking in terms of keeping it to a drink or two before and during shows and not always going straight out to the club after a performance. He admitted to being hungover numerous times on tour and you can tell that he’s often exhausted. I want him to be able to have fun and I have absolutely no issue with him enjoying himself, having a beer to take the edge off before a show, or going out. However, there are limits that every person has to put on themselves to make sure that they’re prioritizing their health and in Louis’ case, his career.

I also think the enablers around him are a huge issue. We may not know them, but we can see with our own eyes that they participate in all of these behaviors alongside Louis. They drink and they smoke with him constantly. It’s bizarre to me that Matt Vines, as a manager, has never once said, “hey, Louis, maybe don’t smoke half a pack of cigarettes during an interview.” It’s bizarre to me that Helene isn’t saying every time she sees him, “hey, you're really going to struggle to sing well through full setlists on tour and run around stage when you’re smoking so heavily.” It’s bizarre to me that nobody said to him last night, “hey, let’s save the vodkas for after the performance.”

Again, Louis is an adult! But there are people around him who work with him who could provide some guidance and encourage him to take care of himself, and instead, they seem to be fully embracing his lifestyle themselves and glorifying it.

Fans also don’t help. There will be people angry that I posted this ask. I will lose followers. If you even whisper that maybe a full-time singer with a family history of cancer shouldn’t smoke a pack of cigarettes a day,  people accuse you of “babying” a grown man. The entire fandom romanticizes Louis’ smoking and talks about how sexy he is while he’s blackening his lungs. Any constructive criticism or genuine concern is treated with defensiveness and anger.

Louis has said himself that he doesn’t go therapy, which I think he needs, just as so many other people do. He said in an interview just days ago that he shouldn’t smoke or drink so much but the job is hard and he needs his “vices.” Everyone has vices, but they’re not all so harmful. Louis is doing permanent damage to his body with the smoking, and possibly with the drinking as well. He’s now gotten injured twice in six months, and last night, while we don’t know what happened, it’s safe to assume that he was still intoxicated. And at times, no matter how much I adore him, I also recognize that he’s doing damage to his career and reputation by not reining himself in, especially when he has performances or interviews where he should be focusing on making a good impression and singing as incredibly as he possibly can.

Louis deserves to be happy and have fun. I just wish he found some balance between that and taking care of himself. And I desperately wish somebody, anybody around him gave enough of a shit to help ensure that too.

[whirlybirbs]

         (  chapter 6′s gif by @buckysbarnes​​ from this lovely set !  )

✪   —   VACANT MIRRORS  ;  B.B.  |  6/?

summary: gunshot wounds, panic attacks, and evil next door neighbors.

pairing: bucky barnes / f!reader

tags: set before & during tfatws, friends to lovers, therapy positive, trauma healing techniques, ptsd mentions, the normalization of anxiety disorders, and a good ol’ slow burn

word count: 5.3k, a filler before the real sexual tension.

a/n: be warned, this chapter has a diy medical procedure where bucky removes the slug from rabbit’s shoulder. it’s nothing too graphic, but keep that in mind! also, i wanted to say thank you to everyone who has rec’d, reblogged, commented, kudos, liked, looked at this fic. the response to every chapter has been so overwhelmingly kind and i’m so thankful that i have the oppurtunity to share this fic with you all. that being said, i broke this chapter up. next week has some spice. ;-)

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Bucky wakes up with a headache that feels like someone’s tapped an icepick between his eyes. A fire-bright burn radiates under his ribs.

It’s a slow creep back to reality — he just lays there and stares at the peeling wallpaper that meets the corner of the ceiling for a while, knowing deep in the back of his muddled, confused thoughts that he most likely has a nasty concussion, maybe a few broken ribs.

How? Hm. Fighting. Music? The club.

Rabbit.

He sits up fast and Bucky’s blue eyes struggle to adjust in the low-light of the scarcely furnished apartment. The searing pang of his headache is enough to make his stomach churn, but he’s had worse. So much worse. This is manageable. So, he swallows down the nausea and looks around the room like a wounded animal — and almost immediately, relief greets him at the sight of you in the armchair across from the couch.

Your hair is a mess, falling from it’s previous style that you’d proudly worn to The Glass Cannon. Your lipstick is smeared, there’s glitter on your cheeks, and your make-up has transitioned from starlet beauty to broken-hearted bombshell. Bucky notices, with a bit of dismay, that you’re even missing an earring. There’s a nasty bruise forming along the peak of your cheekbone and a gash there from when Alexei had cracked you across the face with the pistol — and even despite all this, Bucky can feel his heart clench at the sight of you. A good clench. The sort that makes his heart kick into a stutter step.

You look… well, you look like someone who’d had the shit choked out of them and then was shot.

Shot.

Your jacket, punched clean through with the single bullet hole, is hanging over the back of the chair and there’s gauze taped to your shoulder. You’re leaning your good cheek in your hand, attention turned totally to Bucky, where you’ve fallen asleep. From here, you’re a picture of exhaustion.

Anxiety flashes in his heart and he swings his legs over the edge of the couch.

Suddenly, there’s a hand on his shoulder.

“Take it easy.”

It’s the woman from before, Kiwi, and she’s got an ice pack in her hands. It’s wrapped in a ratty, green dish towel, and she hands it off to Bucky with a pitiful little look. Rounding the couch, Bucky finally gets a better look at her.

She’s older than you, maybe by a handful of years, but sharp and beautiful nonetheless. Her hair is dark as night and the tips are drenched in a lime colored dye. Her eyes are dark, too, ringed by kohl and glitter, and Bucky wonders if he’s ever seen her before.

“You heal quick,” she says quietly as she plops down into the chair across the room. On a makeshift desk, there’s a laptop, “Care to explain how you know our dear friend Rabbit here?”

Bucky shifts uncomfortably. Again, his eyes fall on your sleeping form.

He maneuvers the ice pack in his hands, then gently presses it to his ribs. He melts a bit, ignoring the evident tears in the silk shirt. He feels bad — he’d busted some of the seams in the midst of the brutal scuffle and it seems like this artifact of Jaimie’s was most likely beyond salvation.

His dog tags jingle against his chest.

“Therapy,” Bucky croaks, “We, uh, we met in therapy.”

A new voice comes into the picture now, one that’s muffled by a mouthful of food.

“That’s cute.”

It’s the other one, Climber. He’s traded in his all-black, all-polyurethane outfit for an expensive looking t-shirt. Without the strobes, without the tunnel vision, Bucky can now see the intricate buzz cut that sits beneath the mountain of blue curls on his head. There are patterns buzzed into his tight-shave. He’s got a smile, too, the glimmers a little too artificially. Bucky spies crystals inset on his incisors between bites of what looks like a bowl of cereal with no milk. Spoon and all.

“I don’t think we’ve properly met,” Climber says as he plops down next to Bucky on the couch, “What’d you say your name was?”

A hand is jutted his way. Bucky blinks. He shakes it with his vibranium hand.

“I’m Bucky.”

“Well, I’m gay and you’re gorgeous,” he says candidly, giving it a good shake, “So, if that’s of any interest—”

“Can you please shut up, Climber?” comes an irritated rasp from you in your armchair. Bucky turns to watch as you raise your head and rub your eyes, “Christ, I just fell asleep.”

“And your little supersoldier just woke up,” Kiwi chirps from her preoccupation with the laptop and contents on it, “So why don’t you stop being a little baby and let him look at that gunshot wound.”

Bucky’s face falls flat. He drops the ice pack to the coffee table with a thwunk.

You sit up, gingerly trying to maneuver yourself so as to not bother both your ribs and your shoulder. It takes a moment, but finally you’re sitting up with only a dull ache of pain throbbing beneath your skin. Now, the real sting comes from the bitter look Bucky has pinned you with.

“You haven’t cleaned it yet?”

“The shits in the kitchen,” Kiwi waves at Bucky, as if to say told you so, “She fuckin’ refused to let me take care of it.”

“You’re going to get an infection if it stays in you any longer,” he snaps, standing to his feet, “Get up.”

“Kiwi isn’t exactly the most gentle person I know,” you manage to supply as an excuse as you move through the room, “And I know that thing isn’t coming out without a fight.”

He can feel the grey hairs coming in already.

You stand slowly, and Bucky looms behind you as you weave into the small apartment’s kitchen.

It’s barely lived in, but a few years ago it most definitely had life. Now, it’s mostly abandoned save for a few necessities. Kiwi had told you, a long time ago, about this spot — it was her parent’s place before the Snap. After the Blip, they ended up moving back to Massachusetts. Now abandoned by anyone seeking to really live in the one bedroom, it sits collecting dust until Kiwi inevitably needs it.

Like now.

“Up on the counter.”

You wince at his tone, but still thankful to be away from Kiwi and Climber’s prying eyes.

For the entire time Bucky had been out, you’d been subjected to a myriad of questions — all were fair, really, since Bucky did just bust out the Avenger-level super-moves on some Russian mafiosos for your sake, vibranium arm and all. The arm was really the biggest stuck point in the conversation as you tried your best to explain the nature of your relationship with the unconscious supersoldier on the couch. It was met with plenty of looks, both curious and skeptical.

You’re slow to hop up on the dusty marble countertop. From there, you watch Bucky poke through the kit that Kiwi had pulled from under the sink.

Then, with the calculated process of a man who has pulled one too many bullets from himself, Bucky slams the kit shut and wanders into the bathroom.

He returns with a pair of large tweezers. He’s silent as the dead as he rummages for a pan, fills it with water, and sets the gas burner on. He stares, watching the pot boil, as his foot taps against the floor.

You swallow down any comments.

There’s a clean towel beside you, and Bucky casually reached into the boiling water with his vibranium hand to retrieve the tweezers — whether or not he purposely ignored the pain is lost on you. You’re too busy anxiously spiraling into silence.

(He’s trying to ground himself, to feel something other than panic. It’s a mild spike, but it’s still panic. Because you’re hurt. Because you still have a fucking casing lodged in your shoulder and he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to you. Ever. Because he saw it happen and then it was black, and now that anxiousness is creeping in.)

Rubbing alcohol, tweezers, gauze, tape, and… Jack Daniel’s.

It’s from the top of the fridge. It’s got a layer of dust on it — and it’s unopened.

Bucky unceremoniously pops the cap and hands the open bottle to you.

You take it and pause.

Bucky’s gaze is cold.

“You’re gonna want to take a few swigs, Doll.”

You almost snarl. You take a long drink then, ignoring the burn of the whiskey down your throat. It’s only when you’ve had enough to nearly gag that you hand the bottle back and then hiss:

“Don’t call me Doll.”

He takes the bottle and unceremoniously slams it down on the counter.

His movements are rough as he washes his hands — and if Bucky was a better person, maybe he’d take a second and parse through why he was feeling so damn irritable. But, no, no, he could figure out that he was angry at himself and you and Alexei Gardzov and Innessa Sidrova and fucking… everyone because he can’t have any normal relationships in his life without there being bloodshed or pain or suffering. That was enough, and he didn’t want to dig deeper into the nipping fear of losing you, not now, not when he had a job to do—

You suck in a sharp breath when his fingers brush your collarbone. He gently moves the delicate strap of your bodysuit, ignoring the soft skin beneath, and pulls the gauze away from your shoulder.

Your jacket had taken most of the impact it seems. Bucky frowns deeply at the pink fibers clinging to the entry wound. It’s a nasty puckered bit of flesh, smeared with blood, right in the soft muscle of your left shoulder. The hole is a little smaller than a quarter — Bucky recognizes it as shot from a 9mm almost immediately. He’s taken a few of these in his days. He’s glad it wasn’t close range. The burns from the muzzle flash make for nasty scars. He’d know. He has one on his back, right above his hip.

Bucky’s jaw is tight. He’s gritting his back teeth. His headache throbs angrily behind his eyes.

Bucky leans, eyeing the wound carefully. His limited reaction is enough to spark a little light of bravery in your gut, and you move to look at the hole — only to find a vibranium hand rooting your jaw in place. It’s gentle enough as it recorrects the line of your gaze straight ahead. His thumb rests on the curve of your chin as his index climbs your jaw, and the vibranium is warm and cold all at once. It’s an odd sensation. Not bad, but not flesh.

You like it.

(You find your mind quickly flashing with the thought of what that hand would feel like in other places. You ignore it.)

Your eyes are stuck on Bucky.

He’s clearly upset — the pinch between his brows and the evident scowl on his lips is enough of an indication. The bridge of his nose is busted and there’s a bruise crawling under his left eye. The shirt you’d given him is a wreck, and as he bends to snatch up a rubbing alcohol soaked pad, the feeling of shame creeps up on you. The anxiousness that’s settled in the pit of your stomach doesn’t help.

Arguably, it exacerbates the symptom.

The whiskey is slow to make an impact.

But, when Bucky finally swipes the gauze across the wound, your ankles have begun to tingle and it isn’t blinding white pain you feel — not yet. It’s sharp and it feels like he’s touching your shoulder blade when he presses his fingers into the holes to clean the immediate area. That has you grimacing tightly.

His obsidian-hued hand holds your face still through it.

So, you opt to stare.

His arm reminds you of some pottery you’d seen back at the Museum of Modern Art once, on a school trip. In a dimly lit room, spotlights lit up a row of vases that had been gilded back together with gold-dusted sap. You’d sat there for nearly an hour, staring at those things. You can’t remember the name now, not while Bucky does one more pass across the wound. It started with a ‘k’. It was beautiful. You loved that exhibit. Why can’t you — fuck — remember the name? Kinsi… kinsigumi? Gumi. Kintsi —

You grit your teeth and grip the counter tightly. He pauses. You exhale.

You inhale.

Kintsugi.

The seams of his arm remind you of Kintsugi.

It’s beautiful.

Bucky’s eyes flit to yours. He sees your stare.

Maybe it’s the pain, or the half-cocked daze, but the look in your eyes is enough to spur an immediate reaction. Bucky scowls. He yanks his hand back, retreating to the supplies on the counter. He’s pulled, hard and fast, and now he seems miles away.

Quietly, and with a bit more chill than he intended, he speaks. “If it was making you nervous, you should have said something.”

It.

Your head snaps to him.

“What?” you ask, nearly incredulously.

He’s silent. He has the tweezers in his hand now.

Your eyes narrow critically — and instead of shame and anxiety, it’s hurt that flies off your tongue. It’s drenched in enough pain that Bucky hears it in the waver of your voice.

“You think I’m afraid of you?”

It’s nearly a whisper.

He swallows.

He ignores it. He has to. He doesn’t want to know the answer. Either way that conversation goes is enough to drag him into territory he can’t handle right now. Not when he needs to do this without his hands shaking.

“This is going to hurt.”

Your mouth is open — be it shock or anger, he’s not sure. Bucky, however, makes a point of ignoring your expression and your reaction by handing over the whiskey once more. You snatch it from his hands quickly. There’s a look on your face that makes his chest ache. With one last pass over him with your eyes, you take a long swig.

You feel like crying.

You won’t, though. Not now. Not while he does this.

You deserve this.

And holy fucking hell does it hurt. It’s like someone’s taken a hot poker and punctured your skin, then rotated it around and around and around. You can feel every time the tweezers touch the bullet because the metallic little click echoes in your chest. It’s enough to make your head spin, and you grit your teeth and close your eyes and try to breathe — but even after a handful of minutes, when Bucky finally retrieves the slug, there’s no relief. Just a desperate throb.

Your hands are shaking when you reach for the whiskey once more.

You do cry, finally, when Bucky packs the hole.

He rolls the gauze up tightly into a cylinder and, as gently as he can, pushes it in.

It’s a horrible choke of pain that you smother into your palm and pant through. It reminds you to breathe, and while you stare up at the water damage on the kitchen ceiling, Bucky tapes a square piece of gauze over the bruised wound and wraps your shoulder tightly. He takes his time, but there’s a curtness to his actions.

Finally, when he begins to clean up the mess of bloodied gauze, you speak.

“If you’re mad at me, then just say it.”

He snaps almost immediately, like a kicked dog. “And say what, Rabbit? That I almost lost you?”

Your mouth slips shut.

Bucky pauses what he’s doing. He drops the gauze onto the towel and he bares both hands against the counter top. He leans and exhales and drops his own head back — then, you can see his own waves of anxiety knocking him against the shore of composure. His eyes move back and forth, he inhales, and then after a long while he speaks.

It’s calmer. Not so horribly mean.

“You should have told me about Alexei.”

You go to speak — but he stops you.

“I mean really, really told me,” he explains, “Had I known he wanted your fucking head mounted on a spike, I would have kept you far away from that place.”

“We had to—”

“No,” he says sternly, standing up full height, “No, we didn’t. We never have to do anything that’s going to put you in danger. Never. I won’t do it again. You should have fuckin’ told me.”

You’re quiet.

“A few more inches to the right,” he says, gesturing to your throat with his finger. His eyes are expressive and he’s speaking like he’s lived this experience, “You’d be dead. Cold and dead and I’d be here, carrying the fucking guilt around with me because I wouldn’t have been able to do anything.”

His voice splinters at the end — but he’s moved to throw away the gauze and dump the tweezers in the sink. He can’t look at you as he says it, and you know that. Because, just like before, people like you and him have a hard time looking the truth in the eyes.

You slide off the counter.

Your heart is sad. It’s heavy and mournful and weighed down with guilt.

“Bucky.”

It’s soft. He’s scrubbing your blood from his hands.

He doesn’t turn around. He can’t. He can feel the prick of an anxious breakdown beginning to climb into his eyes. Instead, he scrubs and scrubs and scrubs and your blood is stuck in the plating of his hand and it’s not going to come out—

Think of what could have happened if it had been a few inches to the right. The arched spray. Blood everywhere. She can’t speak through the gargle, she’s going cold, she’s gone. And, like always, you’re alone again, Bucky.

Then, your hands are on his.

The touch is enough to stop him. It’s enough for him to move aside at the large, inset kitchen sink. You exhale slowly as you run the water a little warmer and gingerly run his hands under the tap. Your hands are smaller than his, a bit more delicate, and he’s stunned into a sharp silence at the feeling of your fingertips gently washing away the crimson blood.

You grab another dish towel from a drawer beside the stove.

Then, in the dim light of the kitchen, you take both his hands and dry them.

It’s the vibranium hand that you pay special attention to, though. And Bucky feels like a fucking idiot — just standing there, just watching as you run the rag between the gilded plating and use gentle pressure to get into the harder to reach spots. You turn it over, and you dry his knuckles.

You take your time.

You don’t look up when you speak. You’re focused. Almost reverent.

He doesn’t deserve this.

“I’m not afraid of you,” you say sternly.

His mouth is dry. “Rabbit…”

Bucky shifts on his feet and takes a deep inhale. He feels lightheaded.

The whiskey, and the closeness of the two of you, makes your skin warm. His whole nervous system feels like it’s on fire.

“I didn’t mean to stare, I don’t ever mean to,” you apologize as your hands still over his arm. He watches your irises trace the plating above his wrist. The rag is forgotten, its purpose null. Your words are heavy, and Bucky can hear a little shake in them as you swallow, “I just… think it’s beautiful.”

You’re beautiful.

Even now, blood-soaked and sweat-stained. With makeup running down your cheeks and your composure in shambles. Even now, on the run and apparently wanted, you’re incredibly beautiful. Bucky hates how easy it is to admit and how hard it is to keep off his tongue. It nearly gets the better of him. He watches your eyelashes flutter. When you look up at him, the world is suddenly drowned in honey.

“I’m sorry.”

You mean it.

Your bottom lip wobbles.

Bucky, immediately, regrets being so goddamn cold.

You were just trying to help — you were just trying to do the right thing.

“Stop it. Come here.”

The hug is the first time you can remember touching him like this. You think you’ll always remember it, too. It’s sturdy and warm and gentle and honest and you bury your face into the shoulder as his arms come up around your neck. He’s careful of your own injured shoulder, and his fingers find the base of your neck. Around his waist, your fingers dig into the back of his shirt. Both of you ground yourselves in the other’s arms, and for the first time in a handful of hours, you both find peace.

Quiet, sturdy, lovely peace.

And the two of you stay like that for a while in the quiet little kitchen.

It’s not until Climber’s voice rises from the living room that you’re pulled away from Bucky — and even then, your face linger inches from one another for a moment too long. Neither of you say a word, only swallow down confessions that could have been, and move on.

“Oh, girlie, you’re gonna wanna see this.”

Bucky frowns. With your brows knotted tightly together, you weave through the kitchen and back into the living room.

Kiwi has sat up and both her and Climber have their eyes on the bulky flat screen on the dust-covered entertainment center. It’s cable news, and as Climber leans to turn the television up, a picture of you flashes across the screen.

It’s a photo from your arrest six months ago.

“Local authorities are asking that anyone with information on the whereabouts of this young woman call the FBI’s anonymous tip line—”

“Is there a reward?” Climber whispers almost excitedly, eyes on the screen.

“—Authorities are offering $100,000 dollars to the person who provides enough information to lead up to this dangerous fugitive’s capture.”

“Dangerous fugitive?” hisses Bucky.

“A hundred thousand dollars?” cries Kiwi, “Who the fuck did you piss off?”

You inhale deeply as you wave your hands. “The bigger question is who the fuck knew I was going to The Glass Cannon last night. Because they’re looking for me — not you.”

You point at Bucky and the gears are turning in your head.

The pacing is almost immediate, and Bucky crosses his arms tightly as you begin to walk back and forth behind the full length couch that Climber is currently spread out on.

It’s cut short, though, by Kiwi’s laptop chiming successfully.

“Well,” she stands quickly, “I have a feeling that someone knows you’re onto them. And the facial recognition software just got a match. A three point one, too.”

Your eyes brighten.

You’d given Kiwi the photo of the young Innessa, with all her decorated furs and blonde curls. She’s laughing and she’s young and she’s in love and it’s hard for you to imagine a woman like her to be dangerous. While you’d made sure Bucky was propped up comfortably on the couch and then finally calmed down from the adrenaline high enough to get comfortable yourself, Kiwi had dug out the hard-drive she kept on her at all times and began pulling data from the Alexandria Library files.

It had been a handful of hours, so it was clear that Innessa had hid herself well in the vast, expansive database SHIELD kept for all those years while it was in operation.

Bucky is quick to gather behind Kiwi, eyes scanning the screen.

Sure enough, when you come to look at the photos pulled up on Kiwi’s screen, there’s a hit. There’s an identification card photo of an older woman, maybe in her forties, pulled up alongside the photo Bucky had given you. Her hair is no longer blonde, but deep auburn color. She’s marked as having worked with Rumlow — a supervisor of some sort. Makes sense. You didn’t need to see a picture of Crossbones to remember Brock. Even when you’d interned, he’d been infamous.

And that was when he was one of the good guys.

There’s a handful of other photos of her — candids, professional photos, and even one where she is shaking Tony Stark’s hand.

And in all of them, you see your next door neighbor Bonnie McLayne.

“Fuck.”

Bucky blinks. Kiwi turns to look at you over her shoulder.

Again, you speak. Your eyes are wide. You can’t look away from the screen.

“Fuck, fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

“Rabbit…?”

“Fuck.”

Bucky’s face narrows considerably, confusion melting to make room for realization.

His voice is quiet.

“Do you know her?”

“Oh my god,” you say loudly, shaking your head and blinking, “Oh my fucking god, that’s my neighbor.”

Bucky can feel his whole face go clammy.

“The neighbor who—”

“—Who I showed your fucking picture to,” you nearly shriek, “Like it was some cute little matchmaking game!”

Immediately both hands are over your face as you throw your head back. Now, the pacing has begun, and like you’re being carried on autopilot, you begin to move back and forth and back and forth and—

“You don’t think she’d hurt Poke, do you?”

“Rabbit.”

“Oh god, oh god—”

Oh.

Oh, you’re having a panic attack.

Oh, that was quick. Brutally fast. Nearly immediate.

After all, she knows where your family lives. She gets Holiday cards from mom to give to you. She’s been your closest friend for nearly six years. But she’s not Bonnie, she’s Innessa fucking Sidrova. She’s seen you with Bucky. She knows — she knows a lot and you don’t know anything and you’re miles from home, from Poke, from Mom, from Ana… Oh, god, the baby. The baby.

“The baby.”

Bucky’s voice is level. “Rabbit, you gotta calm down.”

“I have to call my mom.”

“No,” Kiwi snaps immediately, “They’re going to be watching for your cell phone pings. No calls, no texting, none of it. And god forbid this woman is one step ahead of the FBI—”

“Oh, god.”

You gasp like a fish out of water, paralyzing fear sending you to lean against the back of the couch.

You claw at your chest and try to remember what Dr. Hart said about these sorts of moments. Square breathing. In and hold and out and hold. Again and again.  

“Sit down,” Bucky says as he returns to your side, nearly sweeping you up long enough to plop you down into the armchair from before, “And do me a favor and breathe.”

The whiskey isn’t helping right now.

“I’m trying.”

Another gasped breath.

Climber and Kiwi watch.

Bucky shakes his head sternly, kneeling on one knee and snagging your hands. “Don’t try. Just do it. You can do it. Just follow my lead — you’re the sidekick, after all. Remember? C’mon. There’s the smile. Breathe.”

So you do.

In, hold. Out, hold. You draw a square with one hand on your jeans and hold onto Bucky’s with the other.

Again, in and hold. Out and hold.

And again.

And then, you just listen to Bucky’s breathing.

You’re not sure how long it takes — half an hour, ten minutes, who knows — but finally you’re able to calm the spiraling thoughts in your head. Finally, the loudness quiets down, you catch your breath, and the world isn’t falling apart. The bite of anxiety still remains in the hollow of your chest and Bucky can see that when you finally open your eyes and squeeze his hand.

There’s that look again between the two of you. The one from before, in the kitchen.

“Good?” he asks quietly, blue eyes swimming with some sort of emotion you can’t really pin down. Not now. Maybe, if you’d been a bit more collected, you would have seen it as infatuation. But, no. It’s just… nice.

You swallow and nod.

“Damn, girl,” says Climber from his spot on the couch, “Now I’m starting to get the whole therapy thing.”

“Thanks, dickhead.”

“That’s recent, isn’t it?” he asks, genuine worry crossing his face as he stands to gently pass a hand over your back, “I don’t remember it ever being this bad.”

Your face is sad. “I was just partying through it back then. Distraction was always the best method and then… When I had no more distractions and it was just me? Alone? And, psh, the accident with Jaimie? It got worse. So much worse.”

Climber’s eyes soften. “I’m sorry, bunny.”

You try to put on a brave face.

Bucky stands from in front of you and begins his own pacing. This one isn’t so much born out of anxious nature — but more of a tactical logic born out of keeping you safe.

This wasn’t exactly the turn he was expecting.

“You didn’t recognize her?” he asks after a moment, voice high and tight.

“I’m sorry,” you wave a hand, exasperated, “She doesn’t exactly look the same as she did in the 70s.”

Kiwi frowns at the screen. “Definitely botox.”

Bucky squints. He looks to you for an explanation.

You vaguely gesture to your face.

His brow lifts, he closes his eyes, and he sighs.

Kiwi is next to pipe up. “It explains why the feds are looking for you, especially if she saw you with the one man she knows is looking to hunt her down — so, I think it’s best the both of you lay low for a couple of days.”

“Not to mention,” Climber wags a finger, “Bucky the Babe over here did just piss off one the smaller Russian crime families in New York. So, there’s always that ontop of the evil Nazi-HYDRA-woman-next-door.”

You groan.

“Poke has enough food for a week,” Bucky says nearly reading your mind, “He’ll be fine.”

“So, what? We just wait here? Until something happens?”

“Sidrova is going to try and bait us out,” Bucky mutters, “She knows she can’t just disappear. She’s been settled for too long and we know too much. Engaging us in an altercation is how she’ll do it. Plus, I have a feeling she wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to shoot me in the knees after a few decades. So, we wait.”

“Few decades?” Kiwi whispers.

“How old are you?” Climber asks.

“Hundred and six.”

Both of them just blink at an unphased Bucky.

You sigh, finally standing on wobbly legs. “This feels like a bad idea. I’m just stating that for the record.”

“Better than her hunting the both of you down,” Kiwi supplies, “You can stay here. There’s cable, there’s booze, and there’s plenty of instant ramen to last you until winter.”

“Stale cereal, too.”

“Wait— where are you two going?” you ask, narrowing your eyes, “You’re leaving?”

“Keeping our hands clean,” Kiwi says, closing her laptop, “And letting you be the sidekick, bunny.”

The sadness in your heart grows a little heavier at those words, but there’s a little bit of pride in Kiwi’s tone. As she stands, she moves to wrap her arms around you in a gentle hug. Quietly, she murmurs into your hair.

“Your dad would be proud of you, y’know.”

Bucky watches.

Climber is next, and that hug is bigger, more brotherly, more like sunshine and less like autumn.

“Don’t be a stranger, Rabbit.”

“I’m sorry,” you blurt out as the two of them gather their belongings, “For dragging you both into this. But, thank you. You didn’t have to help me—”

“Yeah, we did,” Kiwi chirps as she knocks Bucky on the arm three times, “Keep her safe, aakarshak purush.”

The Hindi rolls off her tongue with ease.

Bucky laughs. “Bahut lamba.”

Kiwi pauses mid-step. She narrows her eyes. There’s a smile on her lips. “Your pronunciation isn’t bad.”

He shrugs plainly. “I get lunch almost everyday at the Indian place below my apartment, so. The owner has been teaching me some stuff on the side.”

An approving nod.

Kiwi hucks you the keys across the room.

She points at Bucky.

“I like him. Try not to fuck that up, eh?”

And then, the two of them are gone.

And it’s just you and Bucky in the empty apartment.

[dollslayer]

Sweeter Endings

Sugar Daddy!Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: Still reeling from the financial realities of losing your mother you turn to a lucrative website for help and get more than you could have bargained for.

W/C: 5,325

Warnings: Smut (no minors 18+ only), light D/S dynamics, brief mentions of alcohol consumption, unprotected sex, swearing

A/N: NO MINORS, I wrote this for @donutloverxo 's Sugary 4k Challenge (Congrats!!) I love sugar daddy AUs so I was really excited to write this!! If you like it then please like/reblog/comment I'm all ears! Also maybe check out my other stuff if you want! Cheers!

Main Masterlist

____

The saying ‘desperate times call for desperate measures’ was truer than you’d ever imagined and you found out the hard way. Life had hit you hard last year. You had watched your mother succumb very quickly to cancer. A cold that just wouldn’t go away turned into a doctor’s visit turned into three months left to live. Having no one else in her life, the cost of her funeral and medical bills fell to you. The bills outweighing the inheritance you had no choice but to drop out of school.

One year later you were hanging on by threads to keep yourself off the streets without turning to a loan shark or selling yourself. Stocking shelves at a bougie grocery store in Soho by day and bartending in Tribeca by night had you working six days a week. What free time you had you were too exhausted to do anything with. Something had to give or you were going to collapse from the stress, you just didn’t know what.

A couple weeks ago you had been casually venting about how broke you were with a coworker when she jokingly suggested signing up for one of those Sugar Daddy sites. You laughed along with her but it sounded better than getting a third job. You had quietly asked one of your roommates to borrow their laptop saying you needed to look at job postings only half a lie, really and locked yourself in your room.

You were just gonna check out the website, maybe sign up and poke around, it didn’t mean you were committing to anything, just looking. You remembered first looking at the website once your shitty wifi loaded it, promising ‘beautiful and successful people making mutually beneficial connections’. You balked after reading that but you couldn’t look at any profiles without making one yourself so you had set to work.

After making your profile you hadn’t gotten any hits in about a week so you shrugged it off. You couldn’t keep hogging your roommate’s computer anyways so you set off back to work. Your days at the store wore on into endless nights at the bar and you wondered what other options you really had when you had no degree and no experience in any relevant field.

___

6 o’clock on a Thursday night, the typical after work crowd begins to roll in. The bar you work in is upscale, classy. Definitely trying to lure in the businessmen that worked in the area and their wallets. It annoyed you to deal with the same type of customers you did at the store all over again but with the high end crowd came good tips so you couldn't complain too much.

It was busier than usual when a group of men in suits walked in together asking for a booth. You saw a lot of business meetings take place over whiskey sours in this place so you didn’t think much of it. You tried your best to keep tending to your regulars when a pair from the group came over.

One of the men had deep brown eyes and a sly grin that when split gave you the perfect view of the gap between his teeth. He was confident but he had a kind look to him. His friend had dirty blond hair and a beard that clung to his perfect jawline and you’d be lying if you said you hadn’t snuck a second look. You turned your back and continued filling orders to distract yourself when one of them cleared their throat behind you.

As you turned to face them you found it was the blond calling after you. His face held a hint of surprise but it was quickly replaced by a look of amusement as he smirked and one brow lifted, like he knew something you didn’t. He was like any other typical customer for you, professional and handsome, probably over-confident in himself. You returned his smirk and prepared your best charming banter. Time to earn those tips.

“Something to drink for you, gentleman?” You offered.

“We’d like a round of scotch for the table over there. You don’t mind bringing it over, do you sweetheart?” the brown-eyed man asked.

“Of course not” you answered. Pricks.

“Good girl” the blond said with a wink. Creep. A hot creep but still. Before you could ask he took his card out of his wallet and put it on the counter for the tab.

____

A round had come and passed, soon they’d asked for another but this time it was just the blond that approached you. You lifted your eyebrows in anticipation of an order.

“You here often?” he asked. Ugh, not even a good pick up line.

“Am I here at my job often?” You retorted with a playful smile.

The man’s shoulders shook as he chuckled. “Sorry you just uh, you look familiar that’s all. What’s your name?”

You supplied him with it and asked him if he wanted another round of scotch. He nodded.

“Smart girl, I’m Steve by the way.” He laid down his business card which you picked up with a look of challenging curiosity. Steve Rogers, CEO of Shield inc.

Oh. You didn’t recognize the name but you definitely knew the company. It felt like a quarter of their employees stopped in for a drink throughout the week and it was prominent enough of a company that you read about it weekly. Play it cool, these types want to feel like an every-man at the bar but still wanna feel important.

You raised your eyebrows again in recognition. “Nice to meet you, Steve, I’ll have your round right out.”

“Good Girl” he winked again at you. Okay so it’s hot, but he’s a total stranger and you don’t even know him. Stay on your game.

___

10 o’clock came around and things were thinning out slightly, regulars made their way out, awkward Tinder dates and rowdy young 20-somethings made their way in. The party of businessmen was still around but they were hopefully wrapping up after the 2 more rounds they’d had. Steve approached the bar once more and you preemptively picked up the bottle of scotch.

“Whoa, easy, girl! I’m here to pick up the tab” He said, taking out his wallet.

“What’s the name on the tab?” You decided to play dumb but based off the grin on his face he knew you were playing with him.

“Steve. Rogers.” He replied, his tone was stern but his eyes told you he was in on the joke.

You cashed him out and left him to sign his receipt so you could make more drinks. You saw him move in your peripheral and turned your head to see his face.

“Have a good night, sweetheart. I’ll be seein’ ya” he promised.

“Take care!” You smiled back.

A few minutes later you circled back to collect his receipt and found three $100 bills staring back at you. You blinked dumbly in disbelief, who the hell leaves a 200% tip? Looking around to see if Steve was still here he was nowhere to be found. You had no choice but to pocket the money.

____

Another week went by and left you wondering how much energy and concentration it would take for you to just evaporate, since that seemed easier than going to work today. Sadly still in solid form, you punched in at the store and stowed your things in your locker.

Your upscale customer base was a mostly pretentious and successful group of yuppies so even though you were grateful to not be on the streets you were constantly reminded of the professional success you couldn’t help but feel that you were missing out on. Stuck instead to listen to incessant whining ‘is this organic? I won’t eat it unless it’s organic’.

The upside of this job was that the time went by quickly because you always had so much to do. Plus with how monotonous the work was it was easy enough to zone out. So much so that you hadn’t heard someone calling your name and approaching you. A hand softly touching your shoulder snapped you into the present.

You looked up, startled to find a pair of blue eyes staring back into yours. You took a step back and processed who it was. “CEO guy?” Steve?

“‘CEO guy?’ I thought I recognized you, ‘barmaid’ or should I say… ‘stock girl?’” He joked using his fingers to make quotations.

Now that you thought about it, the store isn’t that far at all from the bar, it would make sense if he’s in the area. You smiled and tapped your nametag in response.

“I just came in on my lunch to grab a few groceries” looking down at his basket it held some protein powder, some eggs, and one lonely banana. “Clearly, I’m single. But you’d know that already, wouldn’t you?”

Your brows twinged together in confusion. What is that supposed to mean?

“Excuse me?”

He edged a little closer to you and lowered his voice “SeekingConnection.com?”

Your eyes widened in shock. The fucking Sugar Daddy site! I forgot about that! Surprise was quickly replaced with humiliation. You looked down and away as you felt your cheeks heat up.

“I don’t mean to embarrass you” Steve placated, “But I gotta say, I’m pretty hurt you never responded to me. I sent that message weeks ago and let’s just say I’m not used to rejection.” He kept his tone light, letting you know he wasn’t mad.

“I-I um, I’m sorry, I don’t have a computer and they don’t have an app, I was using my roommates’ computer and I guess I forgot about it…” You admitted.

Steve nodded in acknowledgement. Please say something to salvage this conversation. Please.

“Well,” Steve rummaged in his pocket for another business card. “You got a pen on you?”

You dug around in your apron and came up with one. Handing it to him you watched as he wrote on the back of the card. He held the card and the pen out to you.

“That’s my number, I’d ask for yours but I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable, you already look like you wanna sink through the floor” Not helping, but I do. You took them from him and tucked them away in the pocket of your apron.

“You do have a phone right?” You only glared at him in response. “Well, if you check your profile, you would’ve seen I asked you out to lunch, offer still stands. Just text me when you’re free”

Should I even say yes? I mean, the winking the other night was weird but he’s good looking and at least somewhat considerate. I mean, it’s not like I had any other intention when I signed up for that site. What the hell. right?

“I… usually work mid shifts so I don’t know if lunch is doable, they only give me half an hour but, maybe we could do coffee? I’ve got tomorrow off from the bar I could meet you” you suggested.

If Steve felt pity for you he hid it well behind the wide smile he made when you offered coffee instead.

“There’s a place around the corner from here, just up a block, you know it? I’m off tomorrow at 6, why don’t you meet me there?”

“Sounds like a plan.” He winked at you again and started walking away. What the hell just happened?

____

You did end up borrowing your roommate’s computer once again when you got home to look up Steve’s DM. Sure enough, there he had been in all his internet glory. ‘Steve, 33, CEO. likes: art, conversation, whiskey. Digging around further on his profile you found that he owned several houses here and in Europe, he had a dog that was cuter than he was, and that he was ‘Seeking deeper connection’. All of these things piqued your interest.

‘Hey, Doll. Saw your profile and I had to ask, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this? Kidding, of course. But maybe you’d care to tell me your story over lunch? Your profile says we’re both in New York. - Steve’ Sent three weeks ago. Fuck.

You had texted him earlier to confirm, which is how you found yourself walking up the sidewalk towards the shop with a mind running rampant with nervous thoughts. What if he just wants to feel big about himself in comparison to me? What would I even really have to offer the relationship? A college dropout working two dead-end jobs with no social life. You needed to snap yourself out of it. You were just meeting for coffee doesn’t mean anything.

Pushing open the door you found Steve waving at you from a quiet corner. He was still in a suit, presumably coming from work himself. Even the buttons on his shirt looked expensive. You were wearing dirty jeans and a worn pair of work boots paired with a flannel. You couldn’t have looked more different if you tried.

“I waited for you to order,” He said. You smiled up at him, only now realizing how tall he was in comparison to you. He ushered you both towards the counter where you both placed your orders. You moved to take your wallet from your purse but he had already beat you there.

“Really? As if I’d let the lady pay, and on the first date no less?” He said playfully.

“Oh, so this is a date now, is it?” You kidded.

Steve shoved his hands in his pockets and gave you that boyish grin and a shrug. The pair of you made your way back to the table and waited for your drinks to be brought over.

“How was work?” You asked, “What exactly is it that your company does?”

“We offer security and surveillance software domestically as well as international. Stadiums, airports, other government buildings. Things of that nature. And work was fine, thank you for asking” Steve said with a genuine smile. “How was your day, doll?”

“Oh, my day was fine, more of the same but y’know,” You answered half-heartedly.

“You know, you never answered me, what’s a funny, pretty gal like you doing on a site like that?”

Embarrassment hit you again, this time maybe accompanied with a hint of shame. You were saved momentarily by your drinks being delivered. He seemed truly interested and since he was paying you supposed you owed him an answer.

“I was going to Columbia and I had a pretty good internship when my mom got diagnosed with cancer. She died three months later and since it was only always just the two of us I ended up footing the bill. I was on partial scholarship but between the hospital and the funeral I can’t really afford the rest of tuition on top of working for free so here I am” you explained, “Oh my god, I’m sorry I’m totally oversharing aren’t I? You probably don’t wanna hear about a bummer like this, sorry”

You tried to laugh to ease the tension you thought you’d created. Braving a look at Steve, he looked thoughtful and only a little bit like he pitied you. You could live with that.

“I’m really sorry about your mom, mine also got really sick before she died, I know it must’ve been hard. What were you in school for?”

___

You and Steve talked for hours, trading anecdotes of childhood and talking about each other’s interests. You had a similar sense in humour so you got on swimmingly. The evening seemed to be coming to a close as the night sky sent in through the window.

Being with Steve was probably the most relaxed you’d felt since before your mom was diagnosed. It became difficult to focus on anything but your financial situation and even though that’s what brought you here in the first place you had managed to forget all about it.

“So look, us getting together wasn’t exactly the most conventional on meet-cutes but to put it bluntly,” He said, “The CEO life makes it hard to meet real people and it gets kinda lonely, I mean, you saw my grocery basket” You both laughed at that. “You need money and I need company, I feel like we could help each other out. Whad’ya say? Think you could put up with me?”

You knew what this was but hearing it put so plainly was a little surprising. At least he was to the point.

“So if I said yes what does that mean, exactly?” you inquired.

“Well,” he started, “We take care of each other. Let me cover some of your bills at the very least, make it so you’d be comfortable quitting at least one of your jobs. And you’d keep me company, we go on dates, maybe you could come over, there’s the occasional work event or charity gala I’d need you on my arm for. Thoughts?”

God I can’t even imagine what it’s like to work only one job anymore. Maybe I could even save up and go back to school. He’s cute and he seems sensible, why not?

“Could we maybe take things slow? What you describe is something I’m down for but I don’t want to make myself completely dependent on you. But I’d love to be there for you, and I have to admit, the thought of only working one full time job is pretty crazy to me” You laughed.

Steve swallowed and placed one of his large, warm hands over yours.

“I can do things the old fashioned way, if that’s what you’d feel good with. I gotta say though, with looks like that it’s not gonna be easy” he jested.

You smiled shyly and looked away. You both stood to leave and he held the door open for you.

“I’ve already got your number from when you texted me earlier but I’ll talk to my assistant about my schedule and maybe I could take you out to dinner this weekend?”

“I um, I’d really like that. It’s a date” You stated.

“Oh, so you think this is a date now?” He jested.

You lightly punched him in the arm and he took the opportunity to pull you closer to him. You looked up to find his face inches from yours. You could smell his aftershave and his deep voice gave you goosebumps when he spoke next.

“I kinda want to kiss you goodnight, would that be okay?”

You could only nod as he shut his eyes and closed in. Your lips met in one perfect, chaste kiss. You sighed and leaned into his hand as it briefly cupped your face.

You broke apart and made promises to see each other soon. You felt like you could’ve floated home as you boarded the subway, caught up in the swarm of newly forming feelings.

_____

You sat in the break room when your phone buzzed to life, ‘Saturday at 7?’

You were about to type out a yes when you forgot you worked closing at the bar. Your thumbs moved quickly to tap out the reply ‘Working, sorry :/ the pitfalls of bartending. Sunday at 7?’

You were nervous telling him no and asking to change plans. You hated not being able to make things work but you only just met the man and the weekend tips were killer, it’s not like you could turn the shift down.

‘Ah yes, almost forgot. Sunday works too, I’ll text you the details. What’s your address? I’ll pick you up’

Oh, God. Steve can’t see my building! His cufflinks probably cost more than my rent!

‘I’ll just meet you there, don’t worry about it’

‘Not a chance, doll. Just tell me where and I’ll come get you’

You let out a worried sigh but knew you had to let it go. You sent him your address and went back to work.

____

Saturday was maybe the longest day in your entire week, in fact you loathed it. Mornings at the store followed by running immediately to the bar. Last call in New York was 4am so it’s a good thing you didn’t try to make brunch plans with Steve for Sunday. But ultimately both your shifts passed without major incident and now it was Sunday and you tried to ready yourself the best you could.

The place Steve mentioned was fancy, you knew that much from a quick search. Panicking instantly upon realizing you don’t really have any nice clothes you turned to your most fashionable roommate for help. She loaned you a cocktail dress that was revealing enough to draw interest without giving everything away. You just hoped Steve would like it.

‘Downstairs, doll. Silver BMW’ you exhaled. Hoo boy, here we go.

____

Steve handed his keys to the valet and rushed around to open your door for you. You held his hand and you clambered onto the sidewalk in your heels. His warm hand on the small of your back as he steered you towards the doors was a comforting weight.

Dinner has been lovely so far, he chose a place that wasn’t completely white-glove but was upscale enough to make you feel only a little underdressed.

You joked back and forth with him over the course of the meal, talked about your lives, and even found out you both have a guilty pleasure for cheesy rom-coms. It wasn’t until dessert and your third glass of wine came that you realized how much time had passed. You frowned slightly thinking of the early morning ahead of you followed by a long night at the bar.

“What’s wrong, doll?”

“Oh, nothing I just didn’t realize how late it was, I’ve got both jobs tomorrow it’ll just be a long day that’s all” you tried to wave it off but Steve frowned in response.

“Quit the bar” he stated.

“What?”

“Quit the bar. This is your card, I’ve already loaded $3000 on there. Put me in touch with your landlord and I’ll get you taken care of.” He slid the card across the table to you. Your name printed on the front. This got real very quickly.

“Steve, that’s.” You were in shock, a loss for words almost “that’s too much, I don’t know what to say.” You felt embarrassed taking the money. You knew that was the essence of your arrangement but actually taking his money had you feeling uneasy.

“Honey, this is what I’m here for. Let me take care of you. Give up your late nights. I wanna take you out on the weekends and you’ll need to be available for events. You can stay at the store if you want but quit the bar, you don’t need it.”

You took a deep sigh. He did say he wanted you to be comfortable quitting one of your jobs; it's just making the change that scares you. But something about Steve felt safe so you nodded and looked up to him.

“I’ll put in my two weeks”

“Good girl” he patted your knee and you involuntarily clenched your thighs. He smirked at that but let it go.

____

A few months had come and gone since that night and your time with Steve had been great. Only working the one job gave you so much more free time. You'd spent a good chunk of it just trying to form a normal sleep schedule but all the time you spent with Steve made it difficult. Not that you minded especially since your allowance was monthly but he’d showered you with gifts here and there.

They started off small, perfume, chocolates and flowers, or a simple pair of white gold hoops that reminded him of you. They gradually became pricier and more elaborate. You’d felt guilty accepting it all at first but he was insistent you deserve the best. He had even mentioned you moving out maybe finding a better place but you reminded him you needed to go slow.

He’d also been nothing short of a gentleman. Out in public at least, you’d learned the hard way that he was an absolute animal in bed. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep your hands off of him.

Something you had appreciated about Steve is that he never made you feel bad or less than for being broke. Never held his money over your head like leverage. You’d felt equal to him in all aspects, understanding you had just as much say as he did.

Still, there was a small nagging voice in the back of your head that reminded you Steve is not your boyfriend. This isn't a relationship and he's looking to get something out of just like you are. But if you were being honest you were catching feelings, it was hard not to when the man was giving you the fantasy. You decided to push that voice aside whenever it came up and let yourself be swept away. Maybe that would bite you in the ass but for now you were happy.

____

You were buzzed into Steve’s building and on the elevator ride up to his penthouse your phone buzzed. ‘I have to make a quick call- I’ve got a present waiting for you in the living room.’ You couldn’t help but feel giddy.

The doors opened and Steve was nowhere in sight but as you entered the living room a bag from Chanel and the Apple Store sat on the table. Oh god, what this time? I swear this man is too much.

You opened the smaller bag from Chanel first and found a beautiful black and white evening bag. It was sleek and simple, very much to your tastes. You were nervous to open the Apple bag, Steve always went overboard. Shakily removing the paper you pulled out the slim case in disbelief. A MacBook Air and a pair of AirPod Pros. The man well and truly spoiled you.

“You said you didn’t have a computer.” His voice came from behind you and startled you.

“Steve, this is too much. You’re too much.” You swung your arms around his neck and kissed him.

“Nothin’s too much for you, doll.” He kissed the top of your head.

“Think you could take a couple days off of work? I just got off the phone and confirmed plans for my house in Nice.”

A trip? France?? Oh my god. How is this my life? You felt so overwhelmed that you grabbed Steve by the collar and brought his face down to meet you in a kiss. His tongue swiped your lips and you granted him entrance. Moaning into his mouth your hands traveled up into his hair, pulling softly and coaxing a groan out of him.

He guided you to sit on the couch and brought you down into his lap. You ground down onto him and felt his hard-on through his slacks. Your hand moved slowly to undo the buttons of his shirt as he kissed down your jaw towards your neck. You sighed softly when he found your sweet spot and started sucking.

He helped you take off his shirt while you got started on his belt and undid his pants. He lifted himself off the couch slightly to move them down to his knees, taking his briefs with them. His cock stood proud and an angry red, leaking at the tip.

“I wanna ride you, I can’t wait.” You pouted as you writhed against him in need.

Steve tutted at you “that’s no way to get what you want. Ask me nicely, baby. Beg to ride my cock,”

You ground down even harder and whined. “Please, sir, please let me ride your cock. I need to feel you, I can’t wait any longer please.”

“Good Girl” Steve's hands flipped up your skirt and found your panties, ripping them to shreds. They were La Perla and had cost a pretty penny but he didn’t care.

He lined himself up and brought you down harshly gripping your hips. You moaned loudly in surprise and satisfaction and wasted no time moving back and forth. Steve made you feel so close and connected to him whenever he fucked you but he still made you feel sordid and dirty. You couldn’t get enough of the feeling, you’d gladly chase it.

His eyes were hooded as watched you chase your own pleasure and giving him some in return. His hands kneaded your ass and smacked it just to get a gasp out of you. He grabbed the back of your head and brought you in for a searing kiss that was all teeth and tongue. He’d nip at you and lick the pain away.

His hips met yours, finding your rhythm and speeding you both up when he gripped your hips.

“Can’t wait to have me, you had to fuck me on the couch huh?” Steve panted, “my dirty girl. So fuckin’ gorgeous.”

You put your forehead against his and went harder, pushing your clit to grind against the muscles of his abs.

“Only yours, sir.” Your orgasm was building. Steve was a pretty relaxed dom but you still needed permission.

“Sir, please let me cum I can’t wait any longer” you tried your best to slow your movements a bit.

“I think you can hold it baby, I wanna enjoy you a little longer”.

You could only whine in response and tried to slow your pace but his grip on your hips and his own movements pushed you further and further towards the edge. You tried to squirm out of his grasp but his hands only tightened. It felt like forever until Steve finally gave you permission.

“Go on baby, cum for me you earned it. Fuck your self on my cock and cum all over me”

Your movements were frantic, desperate to chase your orgasm when finally the perfect angle of his cock inside you and your clit against him set you free. You cried out above him and dug your nails in deep.

Steve held you firmly in place and started slamming into you from below, finally letting himself think about cumming. All you could do was hold on for mercy. Moments later he brought you down onto him one final slam as he came inside of you with a cry.

The only sound in the room was both of you trying to catch your breath. You sighed again and collapsed against him, nuzzling your face into his neck. He kissed the side of your face and let you make yourself at home while he caressed your back.

____

One shower and two more orgasms later you were both clean and made your way to the kitchen. Steve was gathering the ingredients for dinner when you hugged him from behind. Your head resting against his back. Steve twisted around and hugged you in full. You both stayed like that for a moment until you looked up at him.

You were so content. Moments like this where you were just domestic were some of the best between you. It wasn’t about money or material, it was just the two of you making dinner and enjoying each other, no barriers.

“Are you really going to take me to France?” Your voice came out muffled against his chest.

“Of course, doll. After dinner I want you to use your new laptop to buy some outfits for the trip. I left my card in your new purse.”

You lifted onto your tiptoes and kissed his nose.

“You really do think of everything, don’t you?”

“What can I say? I’m a planner” he retorted.

You didn’t know it yet but Steve was going to ask you to become official while you were there. He wasn’t worried in the slightest. In fact he’d never been so sure about something in his life.

[atlafan]

The Tutor - One Shot

a/n: based off this ask! I’m real happy with this one y’all. I’m happy to present tutor!Harry x hockey player!y/n, a nice little college au. Friends to lovers if you wanna categorize it. Enjoy! Reblogs and feedback are always super helpful. (semi-proofread, sorry in advance for any mistakes) 

Warnings: fluff and smut, partying, alcohol consumption

Words: 24.5K

Part Two Part Three

“This psychology professor is out to fucking get me!” Y/N groans as she plops down on her couch. “I don’t understand the books we’re reading, and he doesn’t even lecture from the powerpoints so I never have any idea what to write down.”

“Y/N, who the fuck told you to take a psych class anyways?” Amanda says to her.

“I thought it would be an easy gen ed for my science requirement. I didn’t want to take a fucking lab science, that would have been worse!”

“It’s only the beginning of the semester.” Gina says. “You should sign up for a tutor now before it gets so bad that coach benches you.”

“Goddammit!” She yells as she gets up. “I’m headed to the tutoring office, I’ll be back in a bit.”

Why there wasn’t an online form for tutoring she’ll never know. Y/N couldn’t risk getting a bad grade in her psych class. Hockey was her life, and she was a sophomore now so that meant she had more of a chance for playing time. Not to mention she worked her ass off over the summer, and her coach has been noticing her improvements at the few practices they’ve had.

She enters the tutoring office and the woman at the front desk gives her a form to fill out. She has to put down the class, who’s teaching it, and what she’s specifically having trouble with.

“Thanks, Y/N.” The woman smiles brightly. “We’ll email a student that received a B+ or better in this class, and then they’ll email you to coordinate a time to meet. You can meet in here, or the library, or wherever works best for you.”

“Okay, thank you.” She sighs and leaves to go back to her student apartment.

She felt lucky not to be in a dorm this year, but Y/N couldn’t wait to get an off campus apartment with the other hockey girls next year. For now, the on campus apartment will do. Her and her friends change to go to the gym, make dinner together when they get back, and head to the library to do their homework. This was another thing that Y/N liked about being on the hockey team, no one was ever left behind.

//

From: Harry Styles

To: Y/F/N Y/L/N

Subject: Tutoring

Hello Y/N,

My name’s Harry, the tutoring office sent me an email saying you needed help with Mind, Brain, and Evolution. That’s definitely a tricky class! I’m more than happy to help, I managed to get an A- in that class somehow. When works best for you? I’ll do my best to work around your schedule.

Best,

Harry

Harry Styles

Sociology Major/Applied Ethics Minor

Student Senate

Y/N rubs her eyes to check the time the email came through. 6:30AM. Who the fuck wakes up that early to send an email, and what normal student had an email signature? She rolls her eyes when she sees he’s on student senate. Curiosity gets the better of her, so she looks him up on Instagram. His account was private so she heads over to Facebook. She could only see his profile picture. It looked like it was from over the summer. He has a huge smile on his face, sunglasses on, a white t-shirt and short, yellow swim trunks. He was holding up a fish he caught.

“God help me.” She groans.

To: Harry Styles

From: Y/F/N Y/L/N

Subject: Re: Tutoring

Hey Harry,

I’d like to start ASAP. I’m on the hockey team, so I have ice times early in the morning, and evening work outs. I’m usually free from 2-4PM most days. We could meet at the library at 2 today if that works for you. Also, just feel free to text me, I’m not always great with email, tbh. xxx-xxx-xxxx

Thanks!

Y/N

Y/N stretches and gets out of bed. Her, Amanda, and Gina all head down to the ice arena for their early ice time. Once that’s done the three shower up, and head back to campus for their first class. Luckily, they were all business majors, so they were able to sign up for a lot of the same classes.

“Hey, did your tutor reach out to you yet?” Amanda asks.

“Yeah, it’s Harry Styles. He emailed me super early this morning, like right when I woke up for practice basically. He’s on student senate, so I’m not surprised.”

“Well, at least he reached out already.” Gina says.

The three sit down, and Y/N checks her phone before throwing it in her bag

Unknown Number, maybe Harry Styles: Hey Y/N! It’s Harry. I got your email, so I wanted to text you like you asked. 2PM works great for me today. Wanna meet in the café first and then we can find a spot?

Y/N: hey, yeah, sounds good, see you then!

The day goes by mostly normal. Y/N gets through her couple of classes, has a large lunch with the team, takes a quick power nap, and heads to the library café to meet Harry. She could certainly use an afternoon pick me up to get through the tutoring before her evening workout.

When she walks into the café she smirks to herself seeing Harry already there. He was wearing a pair of khakis and a blue t-shirt. His hair was a little longer than in his profile picture, Y/N could really make out his soft curls. He was wearing a pair of glasses and looking down at his phone.

“Um, Harry?” She walks over to him and he looks up. He gives her a warm smile. She takes a moment to notice he has a number of tattoos on his left arm. Much more prominent now than in the one photo she was able to view.

“Y/N?”

“Yeah.”

“Great to meet you. Your first coffee’s on me, what can I get you?”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that?”

“I insist.”

“If anyone should be buying coffee it’s me. You’re gonna have your work cut out for you with me.” She sighs.

“Nonsense, I think it’s great you reached out for help. Now tell me, what’s your drink?”

Y/N tells Harry she’ll have an iced coffee and he nods. He gets them both an iced coffee, and he gives her a moment to add her cream and sugar.

“You seriously drink that black?”

“Yeah, it’s how I have it at home, I’m just used to it.” He shrugs.

Right, he was an international student from England. She follows him into the main area of the library and they find a table to set up at.

“Do you mind if I sit next to you?”

“Be my guest.” She says flatly.

As he sits down she’s able to get a whiff of his cologne, and it actually smelled good. Like vanilla, but spicy? She now sort of wished she wasn’t in her workout clothes, and dressed a little nicer.

“So, what’s your major?” He asks as he pulls his laptop out.

“Business…I saw that yours is Sociology?”

“Mhm.” He smiles and opens his computer.

“What is Applied Ethics?”

“Oh! Glad to know you actually read all the way to the bottom.” He chuckles. “It’s just ethics, but with practical ways to apply it. I just picked it up this year so I’m taking a class called Creative Problem Solving in Ethics, and then I can take classes about business ethics or medical ethics or whatever else. I like it a lot.”

“What made you want to add that?”

“A lot of the classes double count in my major so I just figured why not?” He shrugs. “Enough about me. Why business?”

“My mom owns her own business and I’m hoping to take it over when I’m older.”

“What type of business is it?”

“It’s just bar.” She shrugs. “But she’s owned since I was a kid, and we want it to be a family business. I have a couple of younger siblings in high school and they feel the same way. I work there on breaks.”

“You’re allowed to work in a bar?”

“You can be eighteen to serve alcohol. I’ve only got another year and a half to go until I’m twenty-one anyways.”

“You’re a sophomore?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool, me too.” He smiles. “And you said you’re on the hockey team?”

“Yup.” She squints at him. “You’re on student senate, right?”

“Yeah.”

“What is with you guys always going to the men’s hockey games? You guys never come to ours. It’s a little annoying, to be honest. I noticed it last year.”

“Well, to be fair, I never go to hockey games, I don’t really care for the sport.” He runs a hand through his hair as her mouth forms into a straight line. “But I can certainly talk to the group to see if they’d be willing to go to your games too. Everyone deserves spectators.”

“Do you like any sports?”

“I don’t mind soccer…but other than that, not really. Oh! I love the Packers, but I only watch their games.”

“You seem to be a fit guy, so you must do something to stay in shape.”

“I run on the treadmill at the gym.” He blushes slightly. “And then I’ll lift a few weights, nothing crazy. Do you, uh, have your books with you? We should probably get started.”

“And here I was thinking I could distract you with small talk.”

Y/N takes her books out and sets up her own laptop. She explains that everything just feels confusing, and that it’s difficult to follow along in class. Harry listens and tries to give her some tips on how to deal with the professor. He takes out his old notes, and she sees the units are the exact same. He explains what he found helpful to remember for the tests.

“Now, I can’t just give you these, but we can use them to help you study. He may have updated the tests since I took them, but we can use my answers to give you an idea of what he’s looking for.”

“How were you able to do so well?”

“I have to take a couple of psychology classes for my major, so I took this as a gen ed. I already knew a ton of stuff about the brain, and the rest wasn’t too difficult, but I know psych isn’t for everyone, so I hope you don’t feel…stupid or anything because you’re not.”

“How do you know?” She smirks. “I could be a real buffoon.”

“To make it through this school’s business program I’m pretty sure you need a brain.” He nudges her. He checks his watch and sees it’s ten of four. “Wow, I can’t believe we used up the two hours.”

“Sorry.” She mumbles as she packs up.

“No! It’s great, actually. I get paid by the hour so it’s no skin off my nose. When do you want to get together again?”

“Maybe we could do this on Tuesdays and Thursdays?”

“Works for me, I’ll put you in my calendar so it’s a standing thing. I can send you the calendar invite too.”

“You’re very…professional, Harry.”

“Thanks.” He smiles and stands up.

She didn’t exactly mean it as a compliment, but she wasn’t going to correct him. They walk out of the library together and then go their separate ways. Harry was nice enough, and he was a decent tutor so far, so it wouldn’t be totally painful to meet up with him. It just annoyed Y/N that a fucking gen ed was stressing her out so much. 

//

A couple of weeks go by, and Harry puts in the hours with Y/N. She had her first big test coming up, and her first home game. Harry was a great study partner, he really helped put her at ease.

“You’re going to do great, I can feel it.”

“Thanks.”

“So…your first home game, are you excited?”

“I’m super excited! I’m starting this season. I just hope we have some people in the stands to cheer.”

Harry hums his response and nods.

“Well, I hope it’s a good game.”

The next day, Y/N takes her test, and she was surprised to see that she actually knew her stuff. For once she left the classroom feeling good. This helped pump her up for her game. When the team leaves the locker room they’re all stunned to see the arena packed. It was never like this for their games. Y/N looks around and sees all of the kids from student senate, including Harry, cheering for them. The arena was full of their school colors and signs. It was quite a sight to see.

Needless to say, the girls won. With all that support and cheering, who wouldn’t be able to play their best? The older girls on the team say there’s going to be a victory party at their apartment tonight. Y/N couldn’t wait. She changes quickly in the locker room, and heads up to campus with Amanda and Gina to get ready.

“I love when Ashley hosts parties, she invites the hottest girls.” Amanda says.

“Oh, is someone hoping to get lucky tonight?” Y/N teases her.

“Don’t I deserve it? I did score a goal.”

“You sure did, with help from me.” Y/N grins.

“Alright, so then maybe you deserve to get some head then.”

Y/N and Gina burst out laughing.

“Right, because guys are just dying to get on their knees for me.” She rolls her eyes.

“Oh! You should invite Harry out. He must have had something to do with why so many people were there, right?”

“I have no idea. I only mentioned once that it annoyed me, but now that I think about it some girls from the soccer team said they had a lot people at their home game the other day.”

“Same with the field hockey girls.” Gina says. “I hope some of them come out tonight. There’s this one girl, Leigh, oh my god I wanna wife her up.”

Y/N laughs and shakes her head. She puts on a black, short pencil skirt and pairs it with a black lacey crop top. She straightens her hair and does her makeup. Amanda and Gina make noises and tell her how sexy she looks. They do a couple of shots, and then make their way to Ashley’s. Once all of the hickey girls are there, they cheer and do shots together.

The apartment was getting more and more packed. Y/N notices the senior class president talking with Ashley, and it made her wonder if anyone else from senate was there. She ends up slamming into something hard. When she looks up she sees Harry in front of her. Although, he looks much different. No glasses, an almost see through white t-shirt so the tattoos on his chest and stomach were more visible, and black jeans with some tan boots.

“Hey, Y/N! That was a great game!”

“Thanks! I was surprised to see you there!”

“We…! Hold on!.” He grips her wrist and tugs her into the kitchen where it was slightly less loud. “Jesus, could barely hear myself think.” He chuckles. “Anyways, yeah, you sort of inspired me to start an initiative.” She watches him grab two red cups and go into Ashley’s freezer. “Want some vodka? We brought our own.”

“As long as there’s something to mix it with…”

“Cranberry juice?”

“Works for me.”

She watches him carefully as he makes the drinks, and hands her a cup. They clink them together and they both take a sip.

“Tell me about this initiative.”

“Well, I sort of felt bad when you said no one ever comes to your games, and it made me think of the other women’s teams. The senior class president is a girl so I brought it up to her first, and she told me it would be a great idea to try and get other clubs to come cheer on the teams. It took a lot of planning in a short amount of time. We definitely had the largest turnout at your game, I think it’s because you can actually sit down and get snacks.” He takes another sip of his drink. “Were you surprised?”

“Very, that was really nice of you.”

“And we’re going to keep doing it too. Definitely wasn’t a one time thing. I actually enjoyed watching you. Um, all of you.”

“Right.” She smiles as she takes a sip. “Can I ask…how did you get an invite here?”

“Kelly made it happen. She spoke to your captain…uh, Ashley? She sort of filled her in and asked if we could pack the arena if senate could come to the party.” He looks out to the living room full of people. “Are there usually this many girls? I’m not complaining, I just figured the hockey guys would be here.”

“They usually show up later, a lot of them end up in the basement where the beer pong and dancing is. There’s a lot of girls here because more than half the team are into girls.” She laughs and takes another sip. “Damn, you really know how to mix a drink, this is good.”

“Thanks.” He takes another sip of his own. “Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Into girls.”

“Not in that way, no. Although, sometimes I wish I was.”

“Why’s that?” They’re closer to the wall near the doorframe, and Harry places one of his hands on the wall so he can stand a little closer to her. People were walking by them so it’s not like they were the only people in the kitchen.

“Because guys always assume I’m a lesbian or something because I play hockey, so they don’t even bother looking at me.”

“That’s too bad.” He looks her up and down. “You’re quite a sight to see, and I don’t just mean because you’re all dressed up tonight.”

Y/N blushes slightly. She was suddenly painfully aware of how close Harry was to her. Was he flirting? Making a move? Did she want him to? Was he just drunk? Was she drunk?

“You…you look nice tonight too.” She tugs on the hem of his shirt. “You have a lot of tattoos.”

“Does it surprise you?”

“A little. I’m even surprised to see you out like this.”

“Just because I take school seriously doesn’t mean I don’t know how to have fun.” His lips curl up as the song changes. “Do you wanna go downstairs and dance?”

“Yeah.” She smiles.

She leads him down the stairs to the stuffy basement where a ton of sweaty people were dancing and playing pong. Whoever had the aux tonight was a genius, playing bop after bop after bop. Traphouse was just starting to play. Y/N was hoping for less of a slow grind to start off with for her and Harry, but oh well. She downs the rest of her drink and tosses the cup somewhere. Harry’s eyebrows raise, but he does the same. If she didn’t care, why should he?

Harry easily was a foot taller than her, especially with him wearing his boots. His hands find her hips and hers hook around his neck. He steps to put his leg between hers so she could grind on his thigh. He clearly knew what he was doing, and she was sort of impressed. Even though he was right there in front of her, it was still hard to think of Harry as someone who partied.  

She presses her head into his chest as they get going, and his head dips down to rest against hers. Getting to smell his cologne this close was making her feel even more intoxicated then she was. The song fades into Shake It by Metro Station and they both start giggling. Y/N steps away and starts singing the lyrics and so does Harry, not that they could hear each other. They dance like idiots and laugh a lot. That songs fades into Acquainted by The Weeknd. Y/N turns around and grabs Harry’s hands to put on her hips. He presses his pelvis to her ass, bending slightly at the knees so they were lined up. She moves her hips in perfect rhythm to the song and he follows right along with her. He feels himself growing tighter in his jeans, but he doesn’t do anything to suppress it, and she doesn’t mind one bit. If anything, it makes her press back harder on him. That song was just too powerful. Her head rolls back to chest as they continue to grind, and he hides his face in her neck. In a moment of bravery he starts kissing on her. One of her hands hooks around him so she can tug at his hair. He bites down and a slight moan leaves her lips. He pops off her and she turns around to face him. She presses her body close to his and keeps her arms around his neck. His hands are low on her back, just above her bum. He looks down at her and she leans up further so their lips can touch.

He tastes like the vodka cranberry that he was drinking earlier as she licks at his bottom lip. He opens up for her and she licks into his mouth. His tongue meets hers and he pulls her as close to him as he can. Things were getting heated quickly, especially as they continued to grind on each other. When the song ends they stop to look at each other. He leans down to her ear.

“Do you wanna go back to my place?”

“Yes.” She nods and he smiles.

He takes her hand in his and they both go upstairs. Y/N finds Gina and Amanda to let them know she was going over to Harry’s. Now, not that Y/N was living a lie, but she was definitely still a virgin. She had made out with plenty of guys, but that’s all. Her friends knew this so they both ask to make sure she was certain she wanted to go back with him. She assured them that she did. As they leave, Harry puts his arm around her shoulders, and she puts hers around his waist.

“I don’t live too far from here.”

“You’re off campus?”

“Mhm.”

“How?”

“I live with some of the other international students. Some of them are older, it just worked out.”

“Must be nice, I can’t wait to get off campus next year.”

“The privacy is definitely nice.” He says as he pulls her closer.

They walk up the steps to his apartment and he keys in. He pulls her up a set of stairs and down a hall that leads to his room, and he unlocks that door as well. Just as she thought, his room was neat and tidy. Even his bed was made. It was a decent sized bed too, a full, way better than her extra-long twin.

“Wanna listen to some music? I have, like, every record you could think of.” He walks over to his record player and she crosses her arms.

“Of course you have a record player?” She rolls her eyes.

“What? The sound quality is better.” He side eyes her. “Come here, come pick out what you want to listen to, I’m gonna grab us some water.”

“Okay.”

He slips out of the door and she hears him do down the stairs. She flips through the various records, rolling her eyes once in a while, and then she settles on Marvin Gaye.

“Subtle.” He smirks as he comes in with two glasses of water.

“What? I didn’t like anything else.” She takes a glass from him and takes a decent sip.

“Sure.” He chuckles and sets his glass down on his desk, she moves to do the same.

One of his hands finds her hip, and the other cups her jaw. He leans in to kiss her and it was like they never parted in the first place. She tugs him back towards his bed and they both fall onto it. She gets herself back so her head is on his pillows. He kicks his boots off, (her flats fell off when she got on the bed), and he hovers over her. His lips find her collar bone and he starts to suck on her skin. She gasps but lets him continue. He plants wet kisses around her upper chest and throat. Her hands were running through his hair. What’s Going On was playing in the background, and Harry’s hands were running up her thighs.

Her legs are parted, and Harry grinds himself against her. She pulls his face to hers so they can kiss. She didn’t know how many roommates he had so she didn’t want anyone to hear her moan out. He sucks on her bottom lip as his bulge continues to press against hers. How was he so good at this? How much action did he get? He was a sophomore like her, but how old was he actually?

“How, how old are you?”

“What?” He laughs.

“How old are you?” She repeats. 

“I’ll be twenty in February, why?”

“Just wondering…um, you said some of your roommates are older so…”

“Y/N, I promise if I were a lot older, I wouldn’t be trying to fuck some nineteen year old.” He smirks. “You are nineteen, right?”

“Yeah.” She smiles.

A wave of relief covers her body as he starts to kiss on her neck again. She couldn’t believe the guy that’s been tutoring her was doing this to her. She could feel how wet she was getting. He groans into her neck as he grinds into her again. She feels his hands go up under her pencil skirt and grab onto her panties.

“Harry, wait!” She gasps. “Don’t!”

He lets go immediately and sits back on his calves so he can look at her. She closes her legs and sits up against the wall.

“Sorry, was I moving too fast?”

“No, it’s just…I thought I was ready for this, but I don’t think I am.”

“Oh…” He runs a hand through his hair. “Well, that’s okay. We don’t need to do anything you don’t wanna do.”

“Are you sure? You’re not mad?” She chews on her bottom lip. He was probably hoping to get laid tonight and she just ruined that for him.

“Mad?! I’d be pissed if we did something you didn’t feel comfortable with. I’m not mad, Y/N. It’s really no problem. Do you want me to take you home?”

“No, I wanna keep making out.” She mumbles and it makes him smile. “I like the way you kiss.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He sits next to her and pats his thighs. She swings her leg over so she can straddle him. She pecks at his lips as her hands tug at his shirt.

“I wouldn’t mind if your shirt came off either…if you wanted.”

“Sure.” He stretches to get it off and he tosses it aside.

She runs her hands up and down his torso, tracing his tattoos, as his hands clasp around her back. She presses her lips to his neck and he sighs. She sucks on the spot just below his ear and he pulls her closer. He presses his hips up to hers so their grinding against each other again. She kisses along his jaw until her lips are on his again. He sucks on her tongue and it makes her moan against him. She tugs at his hair again and he has all he can do to not lose it in his pants. She was rubbing herself on his bulge in just the right way, she could feel the knot in her stomach growing more and more.

“Oh god.” She grunts and hides her face in his neck.

“Almost there?” His hands move to her hips to help her move on him.

“Y, yeah, I think so.” She was panting. “Shit, H, Harry.”

“Don’t fight it, it’s alright.” He grunts as he presses her down as close as possible on him.

She cries out into his neck and she slows her own movements as she works through it. She twitches on top of him during her aftershocks and then she just clings to him. He rubs her back to soothe her. He wasn’t sure if someone else had ever given her an orgasm before so he didn’t want her to feel freaked out or anything.

“Kiss me.” He whispers.

She presses her swollen lips to his and she whimpers. He was incredibly hard and he needed to go relieve himself before he got blue balls.

“Y/N?” He says against her lips.

“Yeah?”

“Would you mind if I just go use the bathroom quickly? And then I’ll come right back to you.”

“Okay.” He gently lifts her off of him and her eyes grow wide when she sees his bulge. She was also slightly embarrassed because even though he was wearing black jeans, she could see where her wetness got onto him. “You can wear this if you want…” He rifles through his drawers for a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

“Oh, um, thank you.”

“Be back in a sec.”

He quickly leaves the room and she changes into his clothes. She really needed to pee herself, but she didn’t want to walk around his apartment alone. She patiently waits for him, scrolling on her phone, and he returns. There was a new sheen of sweat on his chest, and his bulge was gone. He goes into his drawer for a new pair of boxers.

“Would you care if I just stay in these? It’s a little hot in here.”

“Yeah, I don’t care. Um, would it be weird if I asked you to walk me to the bathroom?”

“Not at all! Come on, love.”

She smiles at the pet name. He used it a couple of times when he was tutoring her, but now it felt especially good. Harry thought she was cute. His big bad hockey player had gotten all soft around him. He walks her down to the bathroom and he changes in the hallway quickly, feeling relief from his clean pair of boxers. He also couldn’t help but smirk to himself thinking of how large his clothes were on her. Y/N uses the toilet and then uses some of the mouthwash on the sink before opening the door.

“All set?” Harry whispers.

“Mhm.”

She tries not to stare at his almost naked body as they walk back to his room. He flips the light off as she crawls into bed, and he grabs his laptop. She watches as he opens up Disney Plus.

“I’ve been watching Hannah Montana, do you feel like watching that?”

“Are you serious?” She laughs.

“Yeah! I’m fucking sick of people making references and me having zero idea what they’re talking about. Her songs are all over tik tok and I never understand.”

“Well, lucky for you I love this show, so I’d be happy to watch.”

“Good.” He smiles and hits play. He sets the laptop up at the end of the bed, and throws an arm around her. He strokes her arm lightly with his fingers that she noticed he painted black tonight.

“So…that wasn’t weird?”

“What?” He asks without looking at her.

“Um…me…doing that on you?”

“You mean when you came from grinding on me? No, it wasn’t weird.” He smirks and looks down at her. “It was pretty hot actually.”

“Did you…take care of yourself?”

“Yeah, is that weird?”

“No.” He kisses the top of her head. “You’re okay that I didn’t offer?”

“You pretty clearly said you weren’t ready to do that, so it’s fine.”

“I’ve never, um, taken my pants off for someone before…my top either.” She blushes. The alcohol in her system was making her a little too honest.

Harry sighs and reaches forward to pause the show. He sits back and looks at her.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me. Whether you’ve had sex before or not, you didn’t want to tonight and that’s okay. I should have asked first before grabbing at you like that, so I apologize.”

“No! No, it was okay, I just got nervous. I thought…I mean…when we were at the party I really thought I wanted to, I don’t know what happened. It got real all of a sudden and I panicked.”

“I like you, Y/N, I don’t mind waiting.”

“What do you mean you like me?”

“I mean I’ve had a fucking crush on you since the first time I tutored you. I didn’t know if you’d feel the same way, so I just kept it to myself.”

“Oh.” A boy had never liked Y/N like this before. Sure, she had found random drunk guys to make out with at parties before, but a boy had never openly said they liked her. “This is all so surprising, I’m a little overwhelmed.” She looks up at him and kisses his cheek. “But…I really liked what we did tonight, so maybe when I’m more sober we could talk about these feelings of yours more?”

“I’d like that.” He smiles and pecks her lips.

“Hit play, this is a good episode. She thinks her dad wrote a song about a bunny that stole his money.”

“Do hijinks ensue?”

“Oh, yes, many.”

“Fantastic.”

He leans forward to hit play, and she cuddles up with him.

//

The next morning, Y/N wakes up with Harry’s arms wrapped around her. It was early. She squints and sees his clock says 7:15. Her head and stomach didn’t feel great, but she easily could have felt worse so she wasn’t complaining. She adjusts against him and turns over to lay on her back. His hand moves to the side of her neck, and he gives her cheek a few smooches, making her giggle.

“Morning.” His morning voice ripples through her. Harry was sexy, it was official.

“Morning.” She whispers.

“Wanna go to the dining hall for breakfast?”

“Could I stop by my apartment first?”

“Sure.” He gets out of bed and looks for something in his dresser. “Here.” He tosses her some sweatpants. “I’m gonna grab a quick shower.”

When he comes back she’s wearing her crop top paired with his sweats. She put his other clothes in his hamper. His towel was hanging low on his hips. He grabs some clothes and changes in his closet. He comes back out in a hoodie and joggers. He cleans his glasses and puts them on.

“You won’t be cold?”

“Nah, it’ll be fine.”

They leave his place and walk to hers. Campus was always interesting this time of morning. There were other people walking back to their dorms and apartments. Y/N felt lucky she wasn’t walking alone.

“This is me.”

“Oh cool, you have student app. I’ve been to a couple of these, they’re nice.”

“Yeah, I have my own room, it’s just annoying that we still have to follow all the rules.” She unlocks the door and he stands outside with his hands in his pockets. “You can come in if you want? You can come up and wait in my room.”

“Alright.”

They both go in and head up the stairs. She was thankful her room was mostly clean, but her bed certainly wasn’t made. She grabs another shirt to change into and tells Harry she’s just gonna be in the bathroom. He sits on her bed and looks around her room. All of her hockey gear was piled up in a corner, she had posters of different teams she liked, and she had a poster of Dylan O’Brien from when he was on Teen Wolf.

She comes back shortly in a sports bra and his sweats, and her hair up in a messy bun. She throws on a hoodie of her own, and smiles at him.

“Okay, I’m all set.”

“Great, I’m starved. Definitely need a coffee too.”

“Oh, for sure.”

Just as she opens the door to go outside, she sees Amanda.

“Wait, I thought you stayed at his place.” She says.

“I did, we just came back here so I could change.”

“Those aren’t your pants.” She smirks. “Hi, Harry.” She teases.

“Hi, um, I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.”

“Amanda.”

“It’s nice to meet you.”

“Where’s Gina?” Y/N asks.

“Passed out in her bed, I think. I made sure she got home before hooking up with this girl from the soccer team. My god, Y/N, she-“ Amanda stops herself. “I’ll tell you later, I need to shower. Where are you headed?”

“Dhall.”

“Okay, see you later.”

Y/N smiles and shakes her head at her friend. Her and Harry walk to the dining hall and swipe in. They decide on where to sit before going up to grab food.

“So, what other Disney shows are you going to catch up on?” She asks as she sips on her coffee once they’re at their table.

“I think That’s So Raven is up next.”

“Oh, excellent choice.” She smiles. He rests his elbow on the table, chin in his palm. He can’t stop smiling at her. “What?” She asks, shoveling eggs into her mouth.

“Nothing, I just think you’re cute.”

Y/N nearly chokes on her food, and takes a large sip of her iced coffee. He gives her a concerned look as she calms down.

“Oh, yeah, you have a thing for me.” She blushes. “Still need to get used to that.” 

“The real question is, do you have a thing for me? I mean, you must a little bit with how you were kissing me last night.” He gives her a coy look before biting into his toast.

“You’re…I mean, yeah, I have a thing for you. I like you, I like when we get together for tutoring. I even started looking forward to it.”

“How’d your test go yesterday, by the way?”

“I think it went really well…he said we should have our grades Monday.” Harry hums his response. “You’ll still tutor me, right?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know…I just feel like I made things weird…”

“Would you stop with that? I had plenty of fun last night, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then.” He shrugs. “I really don’t care that I didn’t get my dick wet, Y/N. I care more about you being comfortable.”

“But you could have taken someone else home and-“

“I didn’t want to take anyone else home. Just wanted you.”

“Why?”

“Because I like you.”

“But…why?”

“Well, for starters, since we met you’ve just been utterly yourself. You’re not afraid to say what’s what. I like when people speak their minds. I’ve tutored a lot of athletes, and I’ve never seen one work as hard as you. Usually they want me to do everything for them, and I don’t because I can’t be there to take the fucking test for them, but you genuinely wanted to understand the material.”

“I just always look like such a schlub when we meet, though.”

“See, what you call schlubby, I call sporty. You usually go to the gym after our meetings, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then. I like all people, but I’ve never really been attracted to frillier girls. I like when girls don’t feel the need to impress others all the time. You’re just comfortable, and I like that.”

“I dress up for class sometimes, I just-“

“You don’t need to justify anything, Y/N. I mean, you looked insanely hot last night, but even if you had shown up to that party in sweats, I still would have wanted you to come home with me.”

“So…you wanna, like, date me? Is that it?”

“Date, hang out, whatever.” He shrugs. “I’m not picky about labels.”

“And you’re not talking to anyone else?”

“I haven’t had the time. I’ve been tutoring this really needy girl that has to see me twice a fucking week.” He smirks at her and she nudges him.

“I may be small, but I could beat the shit out of you.”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time, babe.” He winks and takes a sip of his coffee. “I have some stuff I have to do today, I like to get my homework done on Saturdays, but are you free tonight?”

“Yeah, we have the weekend off since we won. I don’t think the girls are doing anything, if they are I could always skip out, why?”

“My roommates and I are having a movie night if you’d like to come over.”

“I wouldn’t be crashing?”

“Not at all. They bring dates all the time.”

“Okay, yeah, that sounds nice.”

“I can come get you too so you don’t have to walk alone.”

“What movie?”

“We haven’t decided yet. Nothing scary, I can tell you that.”

“Works for me.” 

//

“Spill it, bitch, let’s go.” Gina says as she pins Y/N down on the floor of the living room.

“You guys are annoying.” Y/N giggles from Gina tickling her. “Okay, okay!”

Gina gets off her and helps her up. She gets on the couch and lays her head in Amanda’s lap. Amanda strokes her hair and she sighs.

“We went back to his place, we made out, and then I got nervous so I didn’t take my clothes off, but we ended up dry humping, and things didn’t stay dry very long.”

“Oh my god, did he jizz in his pants?” Gina asks.

“No, but I did. I can tell he’s big, and we were grinding really hard on each other and I came.”

“Oh my god!” Amanda squeals. “What did he do?”

“He took care of himself in the bathroom, and gave me some clothes to wear. We ended up falling asleep watching Hannah Montana. God, and he likes me, like he really likes me, and I think I like him too. He invited me over for a movie night with his roommates later.”

“You know what was a good sign? The fact that he wanted to get breakfast with you, and walked you to and from the dining hall. That’s a man right there.” Amanda says.

“No, what makes him a man is that when Y/N said stop he stopped.” Gina remarks. “I like him already.”

“He was seriously so chill about it, I was honestly shocked. I appreciated it, but I wasn’t expecting him to be so okay with me not wanting to go further.”

“That’s the shitty thing about college. Good people are a dime a dozen.” Amanda says 

//

Y/N straightens her hair and puts a little makeup on. She settles on a pair of leggings and a t-shirt with the school’s logo on it. She takes a shot with the girls just to take the edge off, and hears a knock at the door. She grabs her jean jacket and opens the door.

“Hi, Harry.” She beams.

“Hey, love, how was your day?”

“Good.” She giggles and leans up to kiss his cheek, taking him a bit by surprise.

“Now, young man…” Amanda says, walking over with Gina. “What time can we expect our girl home?”

“Who said she’s not spending the night again?” He raises an eyebrow at them. “Quite liked waking up next to you.”

“Oh my god.” Y/N says, clearly flustered. “I’ll text in the group chat so you know what I’m doing, bye!” She pulls Harry out the door. “Don’t add fuel to their fire.” She nudges him.

“I was just being honest.” He throws his arm around her. “I hope you’ll stay again, but if you don’t want to I’ll bring you home, no big deal.”

Instead of going right up the stairs when they get to Harry’s place, he leads her down the corridor, passing by the kitchen and a hall bath, and into the large living room. There was a giant sectional sofa and even more giant TV across from it. There were a couple of guys sitting down already.

“Oi, there you are.”

“I said I was stepping out to get my girl, didn’t I?” He rolls his eyes. “Y/N, this is Louis and Niall.”

“Hi.” She says, trying not to melt into a puddle from being called his girl.

“Make yourself comfortable, I’m gonna get some popcorn made. Do you want a beer or anything?”

“Beer’s fine, thank you.”

She sits down on the edge of the sofa and leans against the arm rest.

“You’re on the hockey team, right?” Niall asks.

“Mhm…you look familiar, are you on the soccer team?”

“We both are.” Louis says.

“Oh, cool. Is it just the three of you here?”

“No, we have two other roommates, but they practically live at their girlfriend’s places.” Niall explains. “We have some other friends coming soon, though, it’s good for you to claim your spot now.”

“Yeah, some of the other senate kids usually join us.” Louis says. “So you’re the girl Harry’s been tutoring, huh? He won’t shut up about you, it’s pretty cute.”

“Oi! Don’t embarrass me or I’m not sharing the popcorn.” Harry says, tossing them each a beer, and handing Y/N one. He sits down next to her with the bowl of popcorn in his lap.

A few of the student senate kids show up and Harry ends up pulling Y/N into his lap to make room on the couch. She didn’t mind one bit. They had settled on Napoleon Dynamite for a movie, which was perfect. There was one girl, though, that had sat right next to Harry, and she had sort of been flirting with him. Take the hint, I’m in his lap, not you, Y/N thought to herself. Harry notices Y/N finish her second beer.

“Want another?”

“I can get it.”

“You’re my guest.” He kisses her cheek and lifts her up so he can get up.

“How long have you known Harry for?” The girl asks.

“Um…like a month? What about you?”

“We met last year.” She flips her hair.

“Here we are, a fresh beer.” He hands one to Y/N and tosses a couple out to his friends. He lifts Y/N up and plops her back in his lap, making her giggle.

Everyone was having a good time, laughing at the hilarious movie. The lights had been dimmed when the movie started, so Harry was able to discretely kiss on Y/N’s neck once in a while. When the movie ends, Louis and Niall let Harry know there’s a party at the soccer house and he can swing by if he wants, and out the door they go. That leaves Harry and Y/N with the senate kids. They get into a game of Cards Against Humanity, which ends up being pretty fun. It was starting to get late, though, and it was clear that Harry wanted to be alone with Y/N.

“One more round.” The girl says.

“Nah, come on, Ari, we should go.” A boy, Billy, says.

“Yeah.” Another boy, Andrew, agrees. “I’m beat, and we need to walk you home.” They both stand up, and he extends a hand to her. She groans, but stands.

Harry walks them all to the door and says goodnight. He walks back over to Y/N who was cleaning up the living room.

“You don’t have to do that, I can clean up, love.”

“It’s okay, it’s just a few cans.”

“Follow me, we have a recycling in the kitchen.”

She follows him in and he opens the door for the pantry where the kept a bucket for empty cans.

“That girl has a crush on you, yeah?”

“Who? Ari?! No way.”

“Come on, Harry.” She scoffs. “If I wasn’t sitting on top of you I’d say she was.”

“Aw, it’s cute your jealous.” He wraps his arms around her waist.

“I’m not, I’m just saying.” She wraps her arms around his neck. “I picked up on the vibe.”

“Well, even if she did it doesn’t matter because I don’t like her like that. I like you.”

“I like you too.”

“I should fucking hope so.” He chuckles. “Wanna come up to my room?”

“Yeah.”

He pecks her lips and then leads her up the stairs. He flops onto his bed and she crawls on top of him. His hands find her hips and she rids him of his glasses, gently putting them on one of his pillows. She leans down so their chests are pressed to each other and they start kissing. One of his hands moves to the back of her head so he can tug at her hair.

“Can I…touch your butt?” Y/N laughs against him and nods yes. His hand slides further south and he squeezes her right cheek. “You’re so fucking perfect, you know that?”

She sucks on his bottom lip as her answer and he pushes his hips up to hers. They grind against each other just as they did the night before. Both of his hands knead her cheeks as her hand slide up under his shirt. They were both starting to sweat. She sits up on him and lifts her shirt off. His eyes grow wide as he sees her breasts practically spilling out of her bra.

“It’s hot.” She whines and tugs at the hem of his shirt. He sits up so she can pull it off him.

“Let me turn the fan on, yeah?”

She nods and lets him get up to turn his fan on. He snatches his glasses and puts them in their case on his desk, and then he gets back on the bed, sitting up against the wall, and she crawls back into his lap. He kisses on her necks and down her chest, biting on the fleshy parts of the tops of her breasts. She tugs at his hair and rolls her hips down on him.

“You…you can take it off if you want.”

“Are you sure? Is that what you want?” He looks up at her. “Last night…”

“I was really drunk, I have more of my wits about me now. I’m okay if my bra comes off.”

“Okay, but if you wanna cover back up just let me know.”

“I will.”

He reaches around and gets her bra unhooked in a couple of swift movements. He tugs it down her shoulders and tosses it to the floor. He gazes at her bare chest and licks his lips. His large hands cup both of them and he kneads them at first, just getting a feel. His thumbs rub circles into her nipples, getting them nice and hard. He kisses down her chest again, and just uses his tongue to lick and swirl around her nipple. Who was he? Y/N’s head was swimming. She thought Harry was just a stuffy, studious college kid, but fuck, he was almost…devious. He blows on her now wet nipple before wrapping his lips around it to suck on.

“Oh!” She gasps and presses his head closer to her. She grits her teeth and closes her eyes, loving the new sensation he was bringing her. He pops off and does the same to the other one.

“So,” He says, kissing his way back to her neck. “No one’s ever had the privilege of seeing you like this?”

“No.” She swallows.

“I feel really lucky then.” He nips at her bottom lip. “You like the way it felt?”

“Mhm.” She nods. “Felt really good.”

“Good. I always wanna make you feel good.”

He puts his face between her breasts and press them around his cheeks, making her giggle. He mumbles something.

“What?” She laughs and he looks up at her.

“Just feels so nice, they’re so big.”

“Sometimes I have to wear two sports bras so I’m not bouncing around on the ice.”

“I bet.” He starts kneading them again.

“I feel like I just wanna do everything with you.” She says as she rolls her hips on him again.

“God, I feel the same way, but only when you really feel ready, Y/N.”

“I know, you just make me feel so comfortable.”

“Have you…I mean you said you’d never taken your pants off for someone before, but have you ever seen someone else?”

“Um, no…”

“So you’ve never gotten a guy off before.” He doesn’t ask, he’s more so confirming.

“Right.”

“Okay.” He smiles and kisses her. “Think we should cool it for the night then before I get a little too excited.”

“Oh, alright.” She was hoping to maybe come again. He lifts her up and sets her down. She crosses her arms over herself as he gets up, he looks over his shoulder at her.

“No need to cover up, babe, I’m just changing outta these pants.”

“I just feel a little exposed right now.”

“Want one of my shirts?”

“Yes, please.”

He tosses her a t-shirt and she puts it on. He strips down to his boxers and gets back on the bed. He furrows his brows at her leggings.

“You’re not gonna sleep in those, are you?”

“Well…I’m only wearing a thong underneath, so I’m not sure what else to do…”

“Christ.” He blushes and gets up, searching for a clean pair of boxers. “You can wear these if you want.”

“I feel like I’m going to own all of your clothes at some point.”

“I like the way they look on you, so I don’t mind.”

She stands up and turns around to change while he lays on the bed. He wants to respect her privacy, but he’s nineteen, so he sneaks a peak. She climbs onto the bed with him and snuggles up. He falls asleep before her, and she can’t help feeling restless.

“Harry.” She sits up nudges his shoulder. “Harry, are you awake?”

“I can be.” He says softly. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah…I just…um, would you…take care of me?”

“Y/N…” He sits up and caresses her cheek.

“It’s so hard just laying here next to you, I want you to touch me or something. You made me feel so good last night, and you got me all riled up before.”

“Left you hanging?”

“Yeah.” She pouts.

“What do you want me to do specifically? I only wanna do something you wanna do.”

“I don’t want to have sex, but I do want these boxers to come off, and I think I want your head between my legs…if you’re up for it, that is.”

“Oh, babe.” He smirks. “I’m more than up for it. Just tell me to stop if you get nervous.”

“I will.”

He shifts to get between her legs, and he tugs on the boxers, slowly sliding them down her legs. Once they’re gone he gently opens her legs up for him. She was shaking slightly.

“Hey, hey.” He leans up to kiss her. “You’re alright, yeah? Do you not want to do this?”

“No, I do, please it’s okay. I really wanna feel you on me.”

“Okay.”

He gets back between her legs. It was dark, so it was a little hard to see, but it wasn’t rocket science, so Harry licks up from her center to her clit. She gasps, and he does this a few times.

“Doing alright?”

“Yeah, keep going.” She bites her bottom lip.

He licks and sucks around her folds and then he sucks on her clit. This causes her hands to fly to his hair. He flicks the tip of his tongue on the small bundle and then sucks again. Y/N tries to stifle her moans by biting her lip, but it’s starting to hurt.

“No one’s home, love, just let it out.” He says against her. “Can I use my fingers?”

“Please, yes, need it.”

He smirks up at her, not that she can really see. He sucks his middle finger into his mouth before slowly inserting it. She gasps out a moan. He’s slowly lapping away at her clit while his finger goes deeper, to his knuckle. His hips press into the mattress, trying to get some relief of his own. She was so warm and inviting, and it was killing him. He was taking it slow with her, not wanting to hurt her, but he couldn’t help himself from twisting and curling his finger. He was looking for that special spot.

“Oh my god.” She gasps. Bingo. He’s got it.

“Right there?” He rubs his finger against it again.

“Yes, oh shit.” She groans.

Harry sucks on her clit while continuing to use his finger inside her. She can’t help the way she’s breathing and panting, it just makes him work faster and harder.

“H, Harry, I think I’m going to c….oh my god!” She throws her head back as she feels her release.

He retracts his finger and laps away at her center. He kisses her inner thigh to help calm her down. He sits back up slowly to look at her. He couldn’t tell, but her cheeks were flushed.

“Would you, um, walk with me to the bathroom?”

“Of course.”

She doesn’t bother putting the boxers back on. The shirt she was wearing covered her plenty, and he was just nose deep in her crotch so she didn’t need to be shy. Once she’s done he tells her to go wait for him in his room. He needed to take care of himself.

“Think you’ll be able to sleep now?” He teases as he gets back into bed with her. 

“I feel bad…”

“About what?” He pulls her close to him so she can rest her head on his chest.

“I should have taken care of you.”

“One step at a time.” He kisses the top of her head. “When you feel ready we can do that. I feel happy that you trusted me enough to do what we just did.”

“I feel happy too.” She yawns.

It didn’t take long for either of them to fall asleep after that. 

//

Monday, Y/N got her test back from her Mind, Brain, and Evolution class. Her eyes grew wide when she saw her grade, an 88%! She was ecstatic, and couldn’t wait to tell Harry. She didn’t get to chat with him too much Sunday. He walked her home, kissed her goodbye, and then had to get some things done before his student senate meeting. Why they met on Sunday evenings was beyond her.

It was just her luck that he was at the dining hall for lunch at the same as her. She sets her food down and snatches the test from her bag.

“I’ll be right back ladies, gotta go tell my man how well I did.” She grins.

They all cheer her on as she struts over to him. She was clad in a pair of leggings and a t-shirt, but she still felt cute. She’s felt incredibly cute ever since Saturday night. Harry was deep in conversation with his friends Y/N goes right over to him and wraps her arms around him, shaking the paper in front of his face. It takes him completely by surprise. He snatches the test and he looks up at her.

“Oh my god!” he nearly squeals and stands up to hug her. “This is amazing! I knew you could do it.”

“A B+, I couldn’t believe it! I still can’t, and it’s all thanks to you.” She wraps her arms around his neck, not giving a fuck that his friends were watching, especially that girl Ari.

“It was all you, I’m so proud of you.” He kisses her forehead.

“I better get back over to them so I can eat, but I just couldn’t wait to tell you.”

“I’m glad you came over here. I’ll see you tomorrow at two, right?”

“Mhm.” She smiles.

“Great, celebratory coffee on me then.” He smiles back and kisses her cheek before she walks away.

“So, you’re, like, dating the hockey girl?” Billy asks.

“There’s more to her than that.” Harry says as he sits down. “We’re hanging out.” He shrugs.

“What class are you even tutoring her in?” Ari asks.

“Mind, Brain, and Evolution. She’s actually really smart, she’s a business major. This class is just tricky.”

“I remember taking that last semester with you!” Andrew chimes in. “Think I only passed because we sat next to each other.”

“Now that she’s got a good grade you don’t still need to tutor her do you?” Ari asks.

“No, I’m definitely going to tutor her.”

“Why?”

“You know how when you go on antibiotics and you start to feel better, but you may have like half your pills left to take? You don’t just stop taking them until you feel better, right? You have to take all of your medicine.”

“Yeah, and Harry’s for sure gonna give her that medicine.” Billy teases him.

“Oh, stop. I like her, and she likes me. Thank god, thought I was going to explode from it being one sided.”

“When’s her next game?” Andrew asks.

“Wednesday. We have to make sure we go again. 

//

Harry already has the iced coffees ready to go when Y/N meets him in the café of the library Tuesday afternoon. She was clad in her workout clothes, hair up in a messy bun.

“Thank you.” She smiles and takes the coffee from him.

“I even put the cream and sugar in it for you.”

“I noticed, how kind.” She smirks.

They find a table to go study at and set up. She goes over the new unit and what’s already sort of not making sense to her. Harry goes over his notes, and does his best to explain things to her. After an hour or so, they take a break.

“How have you been feeling?” He softly asks her.

“About what?”

“What we did Saturday night…we haven’t even texted about it, so I didn’t know if you were avoiding the conversation.”

“Oh! I feel really great. Um, I guess I just didn’t know what to say. I’m glad we did it.”

“Me too.” He looks down and then back to her. “It’ll be nice to do it again, right?”

“Mhm.” She smiles and a slight blush covers her cheeks. “Um, I don’t know if you’re coming to the game tomorrow or not, but-“

“I’ll be there.” He cuts her off. “Go on.”

“When we have games during the week we can’t exactly party all night, so we usually go downtown and order a bunch of food. Some of the girls invite their significant others, and, well, if you don’t mind being out a little late I was wondering if you’d wanna come too.”

“I’d love to.”

“Really?!”

“Sure.” He smiles. “Gotta be there for my girl.” He clears his throat. “Let’s get back to it, I don’t wanna make you late for the gym.”

Y/N liked that Harry was always so serious, she may not have before, but now she just thought it was cute. He lets her do some reading for class while he works on his own homework.

“This is nice.” He speaks up.

“What is?”

“Just doing homework together. We could do this more if you want. I’d obviously still tutor you on the clock, but we could get together sometimes to do other homework.” He stops typing and looks at her. “Then we could, uh, see each other more…if you wanted.”

“I’d like that.” She smiles. “I end up doing homework with the girls a lot, but you’re more than welcome to come over and join.”

“Sounds like fun.”

She looks at the time and sighs, closing her laptop and packing up.

“I have to get going.”

“I’m gonna stay here a bit longer, otherwise I’d walk you out.”

“That’s alright.” She leans down and pecks his lips before slinging her bag over her shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow for the game?”

“You will.” He smiles brightly. “Bye, love.”

“Bye.”

Y/N had butterflies. This was a dream come true.

//

The ice arena wasn’t as packed as the first home game, but there were still a lot of people there. The thing about women’s ice hockey is that you aren’t allowed to fight, so it’s less exciting than men’s ice hockey. Or, that’s what people say. It was annoying that they couldn’t fight. There were plenty of people that Y/N just wanted to deck while she was out there.

She looks out to the stands and sees Harry with the student senate crew holding up a sign for her. It had her number on it and everything. Harry looked cute in his beanie and sweater. Y/N played great and she loved looking over to see Harry cheering, not that she let it distract her. She was able to assist two goals, and the team won 4-1. It was an incredible game.

After the coach goes over what their next practice will consist of, and his congratulations, he leaves to let the girls change.

“Dinner down at the pub in twenty ladies!” Ashley yells.

Everyone runs to the showers to clean themselves up. Y/N throws on a pair of jeans and a black top. She grabs a light windbreaker and puts some product in her wet hair so it dries nice.

“Is Harry coming down?” Gina asks.

“Mhm, he’s going to meet us down there.” She smiles.

All of the girls walk down together. Ashley called ahead so there were a ton of tables pushed together. Harry was waiting outside the pub, along with some of other significant others. Y/N practically jumps on him.

“Great game.” He says into her neck.

“Thanks! I loved seeing you out there. It’s nice to actually have people cheering for us.” She kisses his cheek and lets him go.

Everyone finds their seats. Ashley and some of the other older girls order different pitchers of beer for the table. It was a college bar so no one was really double checking ID’s, especially on a Wednesday, so Y/N poured herself and Harry a glass of beer. They all cheer and clink their glasses.

Nachos, mozzarella sticks, chicken wings, fires, and anything else that could be thought of were ordered for everyone. Harry fit right in with everyone, already having a small report with Amanda and Gina.

“I still can’t get over this.” Ashley says. “Our little baby Y/N bringing a guy to dinner.”

“Didn’t you come to the party at our house?” Megan asks. “Is that how you two met?”

“No, he’s been tutoring me for a class.” Y/N explains. “He just happened to be at the party last weekend.”

“Well, Harry, you can come anytime. I know it was your idea to get more people at the women’s games.” Ashley says.

“Y/N told me how much it bothered her that senate goes to a lot of the guys’ games, thought it was only fair to support the girls too. Your games are way more fun to watch. You’re really fighting for it out there, you can feel it.”

“Oh, he’s a keeper for sure.” Megan says.

Y/N leans in to Harry and he puts his arm around her. She looks up at him once the attention is off her a bit.

“Do you want to come back to my place for a little bit?” She asks.

“I would, babe, but I have an 8AM, I need to go home after all this, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I have an early practice anyways…”

“I can hang out tomorrow night, though. I usually go to the soccer house with Niall and Louis, I’m sure they won’t care if you come.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” She smiles and so does he. Damn him for being so responsible.

“Plus, I’ll see at two for tutoring, right?”

“Right.”

“I could come to your place for that.”

“I don’t think we’d get much tutoring done if we do that.” She winks at him and it makes him laugh.

Amanda and Gina give a few minutes to kiss Harry goodbye before they need to part ways.

“Sorry.” She tells them, wiping the corners of her mouth. “He’s such a good kisser.”

“Apparently on both sets of lips.” Amanda teases her.

“Stop! I told you that in confidence.”

“I still can’t believe it didn’t make you want to fuck him right after.” Gina says.

“Believe me, I think I’m getting ready for that, but I’m nervous to see it.”

“His dick?” Amanda asks.

“Yeah, I’ve never really seen one before, and I can tell his is big. What if it breaks me in half?” She jokes.

“I bet he’d love to hear that, ask him to break your back.” Gina bursts out laughing.

“You two are annoying.” Y/N groans as they continue their walk to their place.

//

It was hard to get through tutoring for both Y/N and Harry. She wanted him, and he could tell. Every time she looked at him he could see it in her eyes. She was being especially pouty and touchy and it was getting to him. Somehow, they both made it through, and he told her he’d pick her up around nine to bring her to his place to pregame before going to the soccer house.

She gets her workout in, showers, and then makes dinner with Amanda and Gina. The three all get some more homework done before going upstairs to get ready.

“Alright, what am I wearing? Jeans and a crop top?”

“What if you wore like a bralette and some high waisted mom jeans?” Gina asks. “That’s always a look.”

“I don’t know what the vibe is at the soccer house, I don’t want to be too exposed.” She pulls out her mom jeans and a black short sleeve crop top. “I think this could be cute, and I’ll put some waves in my hair.”

“I like it.” Amanda asks. “You’re going to his place first, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Assert your dominance and pack an overnight bag. Bring your own toothbrush and pj’s. Show him you’re not afraid to get comfy.”

“You know, that’s not a bad idea. I feel like I’ve been stealing his clothes.” She snatches a string backpack from the floor. “Plus, my drinks won’t clink the bag with some clothes in there. What are you two up to tonight?”

“I think we’re going over to the field hockey house for a bit, and then we’ll see how it goes from there.”

“Nice! That’ll be fun, they always throw great parties.”

The three all finish getting ready, and Y/N packs her hard seltzers into her bag. Harry knocks on the door right at nine, and she flings herself onto him. He chuckles as he kisses her.

“Hey.” He says.

“Hi.”

“Ready?”

“Yup, bye girls!” She yells as she swings the door shut.

When they get into Harry’s she moves to go right up the stairs to his room, but he clutches her wrist.

“Pregame is in the kitchen, babe.”

“I know, I just wanna put my bag in your room first, is that alright?”

“Uh, yeah, of course.” He goes upstairs with her and he watches as she pulls out shorts and a t-shirt, her toothbrush, and her hairbrush.

“It’s okay I brought this stuff, right?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be? I want you to be comfortable.”

“Just making sure.” She grabs her bag and they both head downstairs.

She cracks open a seltzer and they all listen to music while they get a little buzzed. Niall and Louis were funny. Harry leaves her down in the kitchen with them for a few minutes while he goes upstairs to put his contacts in. He didn’t like wearing his glasses to parties because one time someone pushed him, they fell off, and broke. His mum wasn’t too happy when she had to ship him a new pair.

“Did you all live together last year too?”

“Nope, I met Harry from class, and we were already on the soccer team together.” Niall says. “They have these mandatory international student meetings, so the three of us sort of just started hanging out. Lou’s a couple years older so we were able to get off campus. The other two, who are literally never here, are international students too. It all sort of just worked out.”

“Harry’s a great roommate too, he cooks a lot.” Louis chuckles.

“Because if I didn’t.” Harry says as he comes back in. “You two would waste your money on shit all the time.” He throws his arm around Y/N’s shoulders and finishes off his drink.

“We ready? It’s ten, gotta get there before they start turning people away.” Louis says.

Everyone agrees, so Harry loads up Y/N bags with some drinks, and out the door they go.

”I have to warn you, the soccer house is gross.” Harry says. “Those guys leave it a mess. It’s huge so it’s great for a party, but you’re better off having a wee in the bushes than using one of their bathrooms.”

“Well, I’m glad I went before we left then.” Y/N chuckles.

They all get inside, and music is already blaring. Y/N recognizes a few of the guys and she gives them hugs. They congratulate her on her win from the night prior. The house packed already, it smelled like various types of smoke, the floors were sticky with god knows what, and there were a fuck ton of guys.

“Y/N you need a drink?” One of them asks.

“No, I brought my own, but thanks!” She follows Harry into another room where things were a bit more chill. They each take a drink out of her bag and crack them open.

The party was fun for the most part, good music was playing, and Harry looked fucking hot. Y/N liked that he clearly had outfits for partying and outfits for school. Tonight he was wearing a blue short-sleeve button up with the first few buttons undone paired with a black pair of skinny jeans that had a few rips in them. He had rings on his fingers and his nails were painted a pastel purple.

Y/N wished she hadn’t been drinking so much because she desperately needed to pee. She wondered if what Harry said was true, if the bathrooms were really that gross. She searches for another girl and leaves his side.

“Hey, this is random, but you wanna go to the bathroom with me?”

“OMG, sure!” She says brightly. The girl had long blonde hair and a tight dress on.

“Thanks!”

That was the one good thing about drunk girls, they were always willing to be a bathroom buddy. The girl tugs Y/N up a set of stairs.

“Less people using this one!” She says over the music.

She was right, no one was upstairs. It was nice to take a break from the loudness. Both girls go into the bathroom and grimace.

“I don’t get this, boys need to sit down to shit, wouldn’t they try to keep it clean?” The girl scoffs and checks her makeup in the mirror.

“Guess I’ll be squatting.” Y/N sighs, and unzips her pants. She squats over the toilet and pees. “Thanks for coming with me, I wasn’t about to ask my…uh, my date to come with me.”

“No problem girl! I need a pee break myself.”

Y/N flushes and stands up all the way, switching spots with the girl so she could pee. Y/N washes her hands and checks her own makeup.

“Who are you here with?” The girl asks as she pulls her panties back, moving to wash her hands.

“Harry Styles.”

“Oh! I’ve seen him around, he’s cute.”

“Very.” They both giggle. “I’m Y/N.”

“I’m Karina.”

They smile and both head out and down the stairs. They wave goodbye to each other as they make their way back to their people. Y/N walks right up behind Harry and wraps her arms around him. He’s surprised at first and then relaxes when he sees it’s Y/N.

“Where’d you go with that girl?!”

“To the bathroom! We used the one upstairs!”

“Did you know her?!”

“Nope!” She laughs and so does Harry.

As the night goes on, Y/N starts to feel dancey and notices other people dancing in one of the larger rooms, so she tugs Harry over and wraps her arms around his neck so they can grind front to front. His hands go right to her hips, and his lips find her cheek and then her neck. One of her hands slides up to his hair to rake through. She noses his jaw to get his attention and suddenly her tongue was in his mouth. He pulls her closer and backs them up towards a wall, pressing her up against it. She wondered, briefly, how many girls Harry had made out with at a party. She knew he had to have fucked a lot. No guy could be that good at eating out without some practice. The jealousy she feels seeps in and she bites down on his lower lip a little too hard. He winces and pulls away for a moment. He catches his breath and looks down at her, moving some hair away from her face.

“Alright?!”

“How often do you do this?!”

“Do what?!”

“Make out with girls at parties! Take those girls home and fuck them!” She wasn’t sure where this was all coming from. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was starting to sink in that she gave up a part of herself to someone that she had only known a few weeks.

“Hey! Whoa! Where is this…” He leans in to speak into her ear. “Where is this coming from?”

“I’m just feeling…weird all of a sudden. You have so much experience, and I don’t have a lot, so-“

He moves back to look at her. He cups her jaw and leans in to kiss her. He gives her a few kisses before moving his lips to her ear again.

“Let’s get out of here, then we can talk more, okay?”

She nods yes and he takes her hand. He leads her out of the house, and the chilly night air hits her like a ton of bricks.

“Can you walk alright?” He asks her.

“Can I? Yes. Do I want to? No.”

“Alright, well hop on.” He crouches in front of her.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, all aboard.”

She giggles and hops onto his back. She rests her chin on his shoulder and nibbles on his earlobe, making him giggle.

“Thought you were upset with me for a second.”

“I got jealous.”

“Of what, babe?”

“Anyone that’s ever been with you.” She shamelessly admits. “I know that’s dumb.”

“I haven’t been with that many people.”

“It’s none of my business.”

“It is if it’s bothering you, Y/N.”

“You’re just really good at it, and it made me think that you’ve had a lot of practice. Not to mention that everything you do surprises me. I’m still shocked that you’re the type of guy to make out openly at a party.”

“I mean, yeah, I’m a nice guy, but I’m like any other guy sometimes. I’m respectful, but I still wanna have fun.”

He gets to his place and sets her down so he can unlock the door. They both go straight to his room, and they sit on the edge of his bed.

“We were having such a good time, walk me through what happened?” He asks as he gets up to take his contacts out.

“I don’t know, it was like while we were kissing it made me think of how many times you’ve done that sort of thing before. Doesn’t that happen to you with me?”

“Not really.” He sits back down next to her, running a hand through his hair. He kicks his boots off and looks at her. “I’m more or less just lost in you.”

“I think I’m just feeling vulnerable since we haven’t been alone since I was so exposed to you.”

“Shit, I’m sorry. I should have stayed with you last night when you asked me to come home with you.”

“No! It’s okay, we both had to get up early. I’m being dumb and needy.” She shakes her head.

“You’re not being either of those things. We can wait a while to do something like that again if you want.”

“No! I don’t want to wait. I really liked it. I guess, I mean…”

“Are you worried that you’re not the only one?”

“Maybe a little…”

“Babe, I’m not talking to anyone else, I thought it was pretty clear. I’m not in a rush to put a label on anything, but I’m not fucking anyone else, I swear.”

“Okay…”

“I’ve only ever fully been with like six people if that makes you feel better.”

“Harry, I really don’t need to know.”

“I just don’t want you to think I’m some sex maniac. I had sex in high school, and then there were a couple of girls last year, and then a couple people this past summer. If I seem good at it, it’s only because I’m vocal and I ask to make sure things feel good, that’s all.”

“Alright, I’m sorry for being so stupid. I ruined the entire night.”

“You’re not stupid, and you didn’t ruin anything, okay? I’m gonna go get us some water, feel free to change and then we can just watch TV or something.”

“Oh.”

“What?” He asks as he stands up.

“I just thought, you know, you’d want to take my clothes off for me.”

“I mean, I do, but I don’t think that’s a good idea right now. We both had a lot to drink, Y/N.” He gives her a soft smile and leaves to go downstairs.

She sighs heavily and then changes into the pj’s she brought. He comes back and hands her a glass. He starts unbuttoning his shirt the rest of the way.

“I really like what you have on tonight.”

“Yeah? I liked your outfit too. Although, you look pretty cute right now.” He smirks and drags his jeans down his legs and gets onto the bed with a sigh. 

“Oh, do I?”

“Mhm, very cute.” His eyes trail down her body and they grow wide when they get to her legs. “What happened here?” He points to the various bruises on her thighs and shins.

“Oh, it’s just from going to the gym and games and stuff. I always have bruises on me.” She shrugs. “No big deal.”

“Poor thing.” He rubs his hand over one of her thighs.

“It’s really not a big deal.” Goosebumps raise on her skin from his gentle touch. She lays down fully next to him, rolling onto her side to face him. “I like you.”

“I like you too.”

She nuzzles into his chest and he rubs her back. They stay like that for a while, and she starts to hear her breathing level out. He carefully gets up to turn his light off, and goes back to the way he was.

//

The next morning, Y/N wakes up pressed into Harry’s side. He was out like a light. She gets up and grabs her toothbrush and pads out to the bathroom. She gets in and locks the door behind her. She splashes some cool water onto her face, and brushes her teeth. She tip toes back to Harry’s room, and crawls back into bed.

“Where’d you go.” He mumbles as he moves to spoon her.

“Just to the bathroom.” She whispers.

He nuzzles into her back, pressing his pelvis to her ass. He pushes a leg between hers to get especially cozy. She adjusts against him, and things sort of just sped up from there. He started moving against her and the second she whimpered, he was dipping his hand into her shorts.

“Is this okay?” He asks, kissing on the exposed part of her neck.

“Yes.” She breathes.

His fingers rub on her clit at first before going between her folds. He groans when he feels how wet she is. He drags it up to her clit to rub circles on her. She turns over onto her stomach and he follows her, continuing to grind himself against her ass, and rubbing on her clit.

“Fuck, Y/N.”

Hearing him moan her name was doing things to her. She moves her hips along with his, and she starts to feel warm all over. She was moaning into his pillows, and he feels her writhe under him while she comes. He takes his hand away once she’s done, and she rolls onto her back.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I…give you a hand job?”

“You really want to?”

“Yeah, I really do.” She bites her bottom lip and he moves to lay next to her.

“You’re positive?”

“Yes.”

He starts to lower his boxers and he looks at her again. She nods and he gets them of all the way. Her eyes widen. He really was big, and thick too. She sort of knew what to do. She had seen enough porn to know she at least needed to make sure her hand was wet, so she spits into it, and carefully grips him. He hisses from her touch.

“Wanna know what I like?” He asks her.

“Yeah.”

“While you do it, put these fingers over my tip.” He moves her fingers he wants them and then she moves them back and forth while her hand works around him. “Shit, just like that, it’s perfect.”

Y/N can’t help but look at Harry’s perfectly sculpted happy trail that leads down to the small tufts of hair right at his base. His balls weren’t hairy, he clearly did a lot of manscaping. In a bold move she uses her other hand to cup his balls, and his head rolls back into the pillow.

“Is that okay?”

“Yeah, just, like, massage them a little, but not too hard.”

She nods and gives him gentle squeezes while her hand continues to work on him. This wasn’t so bad. She wasn’t sure what she was so nervous about, it was just a penis. She licks her lips and looks at him.

“Can I…put my mouth on it?”

“Fuck, yeah, please.” He grips the sheets as she wraps her lips around his tip. “Just no teeth!” He reminds her at the last second and she pops off.

“How the fuck am I supposed to do that? Unhinge my jaw?”

“No.” He chuckles. “Just try to keep your lips around your teeth or keep your mouth wide. Use your tongue more than anything.”

She nods and goes back down. He has to fight to buck up into her. She only keeps her mouth around his tip, not wanting to go crazy. She pumps the rest of him, drool dripping down her chin.

“Y/N, I’m getting close.”

She keeps sucking on him. When she looks up at him, making eye contact, he loses it. She spurts into her mouth and her eyes widen at the taste. It didn’t taste bad, but it certainly didn’t taste good either. She takes it all, but she sure as shit wasn’t going to swallow. She looks around his room for his trash and when she spots it, she gets off the bed and spits into it. She grabs the glass of water from his desk and swishes it around her mouth before spitting again.

“Sorry.” She breathes. “I just-“

“You’re apologizing? Get your ass over here.” He smirks. She gets back onto the bed and he holds her close. “I wouldn’t have wanted you to swallow it unless you really wanted to. I know it’s a lot to get used to.”

“So, you’re not offended?”

“You just gave me a blow job, I’m not offended at all.” He kisses her forehead. “I’m just gonna go use the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” He grabs his boxers and slips them on and leaves the room.

Y/N snatches her phone and texts in the group chat letting Amanda and Gina know what just happened. She couldn’t wait to get home, she needed to talk about it now. When Harry gets back she nearly throws her phone. She puts her phone down gently and cuddles up to him when he lays back down. He kisses on the top of her head a couple of times and rubs her back.

“That felt really good, by the way.”

“You’re not just saying that?” She pouts up at him.

“Not at all, I’ve been dreaming about you doing that. It was nice to feel the real thing.” His lips curve up as he looks down at her. “You’re a natural, sure you’ve never done that before.”

“Never, I swear.” She giggles. “I’m glad it was good for you.”

“It was fantastic.” He sighs.

After snuggling a little longer, they both decide to get up. Harry makes Y/N some eggs and toast for breakfast before walking her home. They get to her door and he has trouble saying goodbye. His lips just won’t leave hers.

“You have practice today?”

“Mhm, and then an away game tomorrow. We leave early in the morning. I’ll text you when I get home, maybe we can meet up.”

“I’d like that.” He smiles. “So I won’t see you at all tonight?”

“No, we’re not allowed to go out the night before an away game.”

“Fair enough.” He sighs. “Alright.” He kisses her against, sucking on her bottom lip before letting her go. “Can’t wait to hear how the game goes.”

“Thanks, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bye.”

She goes inside and runs upstairs. She knocks on Amanda’s door before going in and they both squeal. Gina comes in and squeals with them. 

//

It was a rough game. They lost by one goal. The bus was quiet at first, but the coach ended up farting and it made everyone laugh, lightening the mood. They wouldn’t be going out to celebrate tonight, but Y/N knew a few of the girls would be getting together. She was pooped and didn’t feel like drinking. She was sitting in the window seat on the coach bus next to Gina, who was turned talking to one of the other girls, so she takes the opportunity to call Harry. Now that she thinks about it, they’ve never spoken on the phone before. She puts her headphones in and dials his number.

“Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Hey! How was the game, babe?”

“We lost…by one goal.” She sighs.

“I’m sorry, that must not feel great. I watched the live stream, but I was only able to catch the beginning.”

“You…you actually watched part of it?”

“Yeah! I wanted to support you. I had to tutor this afternoon so that’s why I wasn’t able to watch the whole thing.”

“Well, thanks for watching a little…”

“Of course, babe.”

“Um, we should be back to campus in an hour. I need to shower and stuff, and I don’t really feel like going out, but would you wanna come over and cuddle?”

“I’d love to. I’ll bring my laptop so we can watch Disney movies.”

“That sounds amazing. I’ll text you once I’m all set.”

“Sounds good, see you soon.”

Y/N hangs up and taps Gina on the shoulder. She tells her that Harry’s gonna come over and she nods excitedly. She takes the second shower once Amanda is done, and then puts on a pair of comfy sweat pants and throws on a t-shirt. Harry comes over, and she takes him right up to her room.

“What are your roommates up to tonight?”

“Not sure, they’re probably just hanging out too.” They both get onto her bed. “Sorry there’s not as much room as your bed.”

“Are you kidding, this is going to be a great cuddle.”

He sits up against the wall, and has her sit in front of him, placing the laptop at the foot of the bed. They decide on The Goofy Movie. Although, Harry is being very distracting. He rubs Y/N’s shoulders and neck, and then his arms wrap around her waist. He gets up under her shirt, one hand kneading one of her breasts, and the other dips into her sweatpants. He starts kissing on her neck and her head rolls back to his shoulder. She bites her bottom lip as his fingers get inside her underwear and start rubbing at her clit. His middle finger slips inside her and she gasps.

“Alright?” He nips at her earlobe.

“Mhm, don’t stop.” She bites her bottom lip. They’ve both forgotten about the movie, almost thankful it’s just background noise to help muffle things. “M’getting too hot, Harry.” She whines.

He nearly rips her shirt off, exposing her full chest to him. She gets up and wiggles out of her sweatpants. He gets his own shirt off, and then she straddles him. She kisses down his neck and sucks where she pleases.

“I did some thinking last night while you were gone.” He says between pants.

“Oh yeah?” She rolls her hips down on him.

“Yeah.” He grips her hips and moves his up to meet hers. “If I’m only seeing you, and you’re only seeing me, then I think I should just cut the crap and ask you to be my girlfriend, don’t you think?”

“You…I thought the labels-“

“I was being stupid about that. I wanna be your boyfriend, Y/N. Can’t risk anyone else scooping you up. I need you to be mine.”

“I’m already yours.”

“Like, officially though.”

“Okay.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I want you to be my boyfriend too.”

He grabs his phone out of his pocket and goes to change his Facebook status when he realizes something.

“We’re not even friends on here…”

“We’re not?! Could have sworn that happened when you started tutoring me.”

“No, I guess not. Think that was just insta.” He sends her a friend request, and she accepts, and then they both change their statuses. “There, now there’s no question about it.” They both set their phones on the floor, and get back to it.

Their tongues slide against each other as he gropes various parts of her body. Things were getting hot and heavy fast.

“Want you, please.” She whimpers against him.

“What?”

“Please, Harry, fuck me.”

“Y/N…”

“I’m ready, I swear. We’re both sober, I want this. Please, Harry, please fuck me, don’t make me beg.” She pouts. “Fuck, I don’t have any condoms.”

“I…have some in my backpack.” He blushes. “I just keep them in there, I didn’t think anything was going to happen tonight.”

“Well, I’m glad you have some. Do you wanna do this?”

“I do, but only if you’re really sure.”

“I am.” She smiles and he nods. She gets off of him and lies down on the bed while he searches through his backpack.

“Do you want me to finger you some more?”

“No, I really just want your dick.” She slides her underwear down her legs and tosses them to the floor.

His mouth was watering. He strips himself of the rest of his clothes and snatches a condom. He makes sure her door is locked, and closes his laptop before getting on top of her. He opens the foil packet, and rolls the rubber down his length.

“You’re positive?”

“Yes, Harry, I swear.”

“I’ll stop at any second, okay? You just need to speak up.”

“Okay.”

She spreads her legs apart for him, and he leans down to kiss her. He rubs his tip against her clit and through her folds, making sure she’s wet. He starts to push inside her, and all she feels is pressure and stretching. It sort of burned a bit as he did it. She takes a deep breath and digs her nails into his shoulders.

“Almost all the way in, can you take it?”

“Yeah, yeah, I can take it.”

He groans once he’s all the way in. He was so fucking snug inside her, it was a miracle he didn’t nut right then and there.

“You feel so fucking good, Y/N. Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah.” She had a couple of tears in her eyes.

“Are you sure? It doesn’t hurt?”

“It hurts a little, but not enough that I want to stop. I’m just getting used to you. Try moving.”

“Okay.”

He slowly rocks in and out, watching her face to make sure she wasn’t in too much pain. It was crazy, it was a like a switch went off because as soon as he got going with a good pace, it started to feel good. Even the stretching, she liked how it all felt. One of his hands kneads her breast and tweaks her nipple and his lips attach to her neck.

“Okay, babe?” He says into her ear.

“So good, Harry.” She wraps her legs around his back and digs her heels into his ass.

He couldn’t do much with her tonight, he knew that. He couldn’t fuck her from behind or even let her on top, but he could make her feel amazing. He snakes a hand between them and rubs her clit.

“Oh!” She gasps.

“Like that, baby girl?”

“Yes, oh my god, yes, Harry.” She arches up into him. She’s breathing heavily and scratching at his back. She almost felt like she needed to pee, but she knew it was just her orgasm getting ready to wash over her. “Shit, oh fuck, shit!” She cries out as she comes around his cock.

He spills into the condom shortly after, not being able to hold on much longer himself. He pulls out of her slowly, not wanting to hurt her and she winces.

“I know, baby, I know.” He feels terrible, he knew she had to feel sore. He gets up and throws the condom out in her trash and gets back over to her quickly, caressing her cheeks, applying kisses all over her face. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” She smiles and practically melts at his tenderness. “I really need to pee.” She chuckles.

“Alright, let’s getcha to the bathroom then.”

“I can go on my own. Just need a shirt.”

“Take mine.” He grabs it off the floor and hands it to her. He slips his own boxers back on, and helps her stand up.

He watches her waddle out of the room. She winces as she uses the toilet, and she grimaces at the toilet paper when she sees a light pink color. He was so careful with her, extremely gentle, but she was still a virgin at the end of the day. Well, not anymore. She just gave something major to Harry. She waddles back to her room, and smiles when she sees him still half naked, waiting in her bed.

“Do you want the side with the wall, or-“

She practically jumps on top of him, and she attacks him with kisses. They both giggle and then she settles to lay on top of him for a bit. He rubs her back and soothes her as best he can. He gets up to use the bathroom, and when he comes back they decide to finish their movie and spoon before falling asleep.

//

Harry held Y/N all night. She felt extremely safe in his arms, and it was exactly what she needed after doing something so big for her. She adjusts against him, and he gives her kisses on the back of her neck and she smiles. She turns over and buries her face in his chest. He strokes her back and kisses the top of her head. He was being careful with her, knowing that she would need some extra reassurance.

“How are you feeling?” He finally asks, his voice still thick with sleep.

“I’m okay.” She mumbles. “A little sore, but I’ll be alright.”

“I tried not to be too rough with you, I’m sorry.”

She looks up at him and smiles.

“You weren’t rough at all…I probably should have let you finger me a little more beforehand. I just really wanted you.”

“Can’t blame you for that.” He smirks and she swats a hand at his chest. “Kidding.”

“Mhm, sure you were.”

“Do you have plans today?”

“Just homework and stuff. I’m dreading our practice tomorrow morning, the coach is gonna ride us for losing.” She sighs.

“It was your first loss, right?”

“Yeah, so it’s not terrible, but it could easily be the start to a losing streak, so we need to prevent that.” They both shift so Harry’s on his back, and she’s got her head on his chest. “Why? Did you want to do something?”

“Well, I was thinking I could go back to my place and shower, and then I could come back here to do homework or something…we could get brunch at the dining hall.”

“God, I love brunch at dhall. Could I invite Amanda and Gina? They’ll be jealous.”

“Sure! I don’t care.” He kisses her forehead and gets up. She watches him stretch, and he gets his clothes on. “Wanna just meet over there in, like, an hour?”

“Works for me.”

“Alright, see you in a bit.” He leans down and pecks her lips before slipping out.

Just as she’s getting out of bed, and putting some shorts on, Gina and Amanda burst into her room.

“You guys wanna come to the dining hall with us in a bit?” Y/N asks with a smug look on her face.

“Yes, but we have more important things to discuss.” Amanda says. “What the hell happened in here last night?”

“Oh god, did you guys hear anything?”

“Only a little.” Gina says. “I just put headphones in.”

“Okay, so this is going to sound like he and I have bene moving fast, well, I guess we have been, but…we had sex last night.”

“Like full on?!” Amanda asks. The three sit on the bed together.

“Yeah, he was like rubbing up on me and stuff, and we were making out, and I told him I wanted to. He was so sweet, he kept asking me if I was sure and everything.”

“Did you make sure to pee after?” Gina asks.

“Yeah…and I think I bled a little…I’m a little sore. He was so sweet on me, though, like he took it really slow.”

“Did it hurt while he was doing it?” Amanda asks.

“A little in the begging, like when he first put it in, and then all of a sudden it started to feel really good. I think he was hitting my g-spot or something. He rubbed my clit too, I didn’t know an orgasm could feel so good.” She blushes. Her and the girls have had plenty of these conversations, so it wasn’t that weird to be so open, but just thinking about the previous events was making her feel an ache between her legs.

“Good for you! And he asked to go to the dining hall with you?” Gina asks.

“Yeah, he asked me if I had plans today. He held me all night too. We, like, made things official last night…on Facebook…”

“Oh shit!” The girls say and both take their phones out. They like the status update.

“I’m gonna go shower quick, and then we can get ready to go?” Y/N asks.

“Definitely.” Amanda says.

They both watch Y/N stand up. She breathes funny for a second and then she sneezes.

“Ow! Oh my god!” She grabs at her lower stomach.

“What happened?” Gina asks, concerned.

“Felt like my vagina was gonna fall out.” Y/N says and they all start laughing. “Fuck, this is going to be a long day…”

//

Harry really liked Y/N’s friends. They were chill, but blunt. He knew Y/N must have filled them in on the night prior, but he didn’t mind. He knew the first time was a big deal for anyone, his certainly was, even if it was when he was seventeen.

“Harry, you’re on senate right?” Gina asks.

“Yeah.” He smiles. “Why?”

“Is it true you guys have these really long meetings on Sunday nights?”

“Mhm.” He sighs. “We meet up at five, and we all have to be dressed up because sometimes different staff and faculty come to the meetings, so we need to look professional. I’ve been there as late as 10PM sometimes. Certain motions take forever to get through, it’s annoying. The only perk is that we get food provided.”

“And that’s why you get a lot of your homework done on Saturdays, right?” Y/N says.

“That’s right.” He smiles at her.

“How come you wanted to on senate and not join a normal club?” Amanda asks.

“I wanted to be involved with how things are done on campus.” Harry shrugs. “I was on student senate in high school, so I wanted to continue with it here.”

“What made you want to study at an American university? Aren’t schools way less expensive where you’re from?” Gina asks.

“They can be. I just thought this would be a good time for me to get away and travel. It makes me appreciate home more when I go back.”

“Makes sense.” Gina says. “I’m actually from Florida, and only came up here to play hockey.”

“Same here, I’m from California.” Amanda tells him.

“I think I’m one of the few in-state students on our team.” Y/N says.

“That’s cool though that this school has such a good hockey program that you wanted to come here.”

After lunch, Harry comes back to Y/N’s apartment, and they all hang out to do homework in the living room. When 4PM hits he explains he needs to go home so he can get ready for senate.

“Thanks for hanging out today, it was nice.” Y/N says as they stand in the doorway.

“Yeah, it was.” He puts his thumb and forefinger on her chin to tilt her chin up. He leans down and gives her a nice, slow kiss. “When do I see you next?”

“I don’t know…Tuesday for tutoring?”

“Works for me.”

“I mean, I’m sure we’ll talk before then.”

“Most likely.” He grins.

“Okay, well, have a god senate meeting.”

“Thanks.” He gives her another kiss before heading out.

“He’s, like, dreamy.” She says to the girls when she walks back into the living room. “I think I’ll keep him around.” She giggles with them.

//

Harry was just finishing getting his tie on for the senate meeting, and he thinks to send Y/N a mirror selfie so she could see what he has to wear. He puts a pout on his face and puts a caption on it asking her to just kill him. Joking, of course.

When she gets the DM, she bites her bottom lip. She thought he looked really good. So she told him that, well she told him he looked really sexy, and that was just about all he needed to stay distracted for his entire meeting.

“Harry?”

“Hm?”

“What’s your vote on giving Awesome Weekends more funding?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry. Um, I just think if we do this we need to see some return on investment. I want to make sure that students actually go to the events they put on. The money should go towards more advertising and stuff like that. I mean, but just word of mouth we were able to get more people at sporting events. The events Awesome Weekends put on aren’t exactly always awesome.”

“They’ve proposed more free skate nights.” Billy says. “Off-setting the cost of rentals. That’s why a lot of students don’t go to that normally. They’re also working on more movie nights, and late night dining.”

“Alright, I vote yes then, but it needs to be a trial basis. We need to see how it works. If they want the same amount of money next year then they can say why they deserve it in allocations this spring like everyone else.”

“I agree with Harry.” Ari says. “I say we boost it now, but let it be clear that if they want more next year, they’ll have to ask for it during allocations like everyone else.”

“Thanks.” He whispers to her.

“No problem.” She smiles.

“Alright, let’s take a fifteen minute break.” The senior class president says.

“You’re a little distracted tonight, are you alright?” Ari asks Harry.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He says, taking out his phone. Y/N had sent him a selfie of her own, snuggled up in bed, and he smiles at it. “These meetings just go on forever sometimes. My girlfriend’s already in bed for Christ’s sake.”

“It’s only 9:30…wait, did you just say girlfriend?”

“Yeah, made it official with her last night.” He smiles dreamily.

“The girl from the hockey team?!”

“Um, yeah…why?”

“I…well, no offense, but she just seems sort of frumpy for you, Harry.”

“Frumpy? That’s sort of rude, Ari.” He frowns. “I think she’s really pretty.”

“I just meant, like, she’s always wearing sweats and stuff.”

“A lot of people on teams do that. What do you care how she dresses anyways?” 

“I just think people should care more about how they look before they leave for the day.”

“You’ve never seen her dressed up for a party then, because-“ He cuts himself off. “You know what, I don’t need to do this. I like her, she’s my girlfriend, and that’s it. As my friend, I hope you’d be happy for me.”

“I’m ecstatic.” She huffs and gets up to grab some more water.

“I don’t like her attitude at all.” Harry says to Andrew.

“Dude…she has a thing for you, and you just rubbed a new relationship in her face. I was sort of hoping she’d stop liking you when you brought Y/N over for that movie night, but I guess not.”

“She what?!” He whisper screams. “Why didn’t she say anything?”

“Probably because she knew you didn’t like her back. She’s had a thing for you since last year.”

“Shit, I feel terrible.” He looks over at Ari and then back to Andrew. “Should I talk to her?”

“No, she’d probably just be embarrassed. You said you’re official with Y/N now, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then she just need to accept it. She’ll move on now that she knows she really doesn’t have a chance.”

“Ari’s really nice, and pretty in her own right, I just like sportier girls, I always have.”

“Hey, I think Y/N’s hot, so you don’t have to explain it to me.” He smirks.

“Don’t ever say that to me again…but thanks.”

It was nearly 10:30 by the time Harry got back to his apartment. He goes straight to his room and flops onto his bed. He groans and then changes out of his nice clothes, and goes to do his nightly routine in the bathroom. He gets settled in bed, and takes his phone out.

Harry: goodnight, Y/N, sweet dreams <3

Y/N gets the text and nearly squeals. Harry was so sweet.

Y/N: night! <3

//

Y/N groans when her alarm goes off at 6AM. Sometimes she really hated having early ice times, but nonetheless she gets up and puts her warm ups on. She grabs her phone and decided to be a little cute.

Y/N: morning, Harry! Hope you have a great day :)

She gets her gym bag together, and meets Amanda and Gina downstairs. They each grab a granola bar, and head out the door.

Harry wakes up at 6:15 to get ready to go to the gym. His heart skips a beat when he sees Y/N’s good morning text, and the smile on his face grows wider as he rereads it.

Harry: morning, love, hope coach doesn’t go too hard on you

He looks outside and sees that it’s pretty nice out, and decides to just go for a run. Harry liked getting his workout over with in the mornings. It gave him a lot of energy for the day, and once it was done, it was done.

Coach had the girls sprint across the ice way too many times, and then he had them work on their slap shots. They scrimmaged until they couldn’t scrimmage anymore. He said that they better get it together for their next away game Wednesday. They needed to be able to win on the road, not just at home.

Y/N was drenched in sweat, as were the other girls. She peels her padding off and the rest of her clothes, and hops into the shower. She needed to look nice for one of her business classes today, so she puts on a pair of tan nylons to cover her legs. It was getting colder, but it wasn’t quite black-tights seasons yet. Then she puts on a green short-sleeve blouse, and pairs it with a black pencil skirt that comes to right above her knees. This was her “fancy” skirt for presentations. She straightens her hair and puts some makeup on, and then slips in her black flats. Amanda and Gina were dressed up too.

“We better get points for looking so nice, or I’ll kill this professor.” Gina says.

“Right? Like, there has to be style points.” Y/N says.

“Let’s just get up to campus and get this over with.” Amanda says. “A presentation at 8:15, who the fuck thought that was a good idea?”

The girls crushed their presentation, of course, but Y/N didn’t have time between her other classes to change, so she just toughs it out. She figures after lunch she can run home quickly to change into her workout clothes.

Andrew and Ari were in line at the dining hall, waiting to get sandwiches when they see Y/N walk by with some of the other hockey girls.

“What were you saying about her being frumpy?” Andrew says to her, nudging her arm.

“Stop it.” She groans. “I’m embarrassed enough for how I acted last night. I’m lucky Harry’s even sitting next to me.”

Y/N accidentally bumps into someone while she’s getting herself a glass of water.

“I’m so sorry, I…oh, hi, Harry.” She beams.

“Y/N, hi.” He blushes when he looks her up and down. “You look, um, nice.”

“Thanks, I had this stupid presentation for my marketing class this morning, and I haven’t had a chance to change yet. Hoping to after lunch.” They both walk into the dining area together. “I have like an hour before my next class so I’m gonna eat quick and head back.”

“Do you…want some help changing out of all that?” He asks, stepping close so no one hears him.

“Um…”

“I’m sitting right over there, come grab me when you’re done eating, yeah?”

“Okay.”

He smiles and kisses her cheek before walking away. Y/N goes over to sit down with her friends, face completely flushed.

“Are you alright?” Ashley asks.

“Yeah, um, I think I just made a dick appointment, so I can’t stay long.”

“Oh my god!” Ashley squeals. “Damn, with Harry?”

“Yeah.” Y/N smiles. “I told him I was going to change after lunch and he just asked me if I needed help.”

“Oh, shit!” Amanda laughs. “What a fuckboy thing to say, but damn, I don’t think I’d say no either.”

“He’s, like, way more smooth than I ever would have thought.”

Y/N only eats about half of her lunch out of nerves, and then says goodbye to everyone. She walks over to Harry’s table, and clears her throat. He looks over at her and smiles, getting up with his empty dishes. He says goodbye to his friends and walks out with Y/N. They put their dishes away, and then he grabs her hand, intertwining their fingers.

“This is okay, right? I’m not being too pushy?”

“No, I…I want you to come over.”

“Okay.” He smiles and they both walk a little faster to the student apartments.

Y/N nervously keys inside and they both run up to her room. She slams it closed and locks it, and the next thing she knows she’s being pinned up against it. Harry presses his front to hers, and groans into their kiss.

“Is this okay?” He breathes before moving to suck on her neck.

“Yes.” Her hands move to undo his pants. “Is this?”

“Yes.” He steps back to take his shirt off and wiggle out of his pants.

He grabs her and his hands slide to her ass to unzip the back of her skirt. It falls to the ground, pooling at her feet. He lifts her shirt overhead, and quickly unhooks her bra.

“Christ, you’re so fucking beautiful.” He leads her over to her bed, and lays her down. His fingers hook into her panties and he slides them down her legs. He licks his lips when he’s presented with her center. “You don’t mind if I have a little dessert, do you?”

“Please, indulge.” She leans up on her elbows to watch as he dives right in. “Oh, fuck.” Her head rolls back, and her hands rake through his hair.

He licks her up and down and moves his face from side to side. He sucks on her clit, and slides his middle finger inside her. She winces for a moment, and he pops off her to look at her.

“Are you still sore?”

“Um…only a little…but I really want you to keep going.”

“I don’t wanna do it if it’s gonna hurt.”

“Please, Harry? I really want you to fuck me again.”

“I just wish I had some lube or something to help soothe you…we’ll have to buy some.” He says more so to himself than to her before licking over her clit again. He does the next best thing, and just wells up some spit and lets it fall from his tongue to her center. She whimpers and he looks up at her. “Like that?”

“Yeah…it was sort of sexy…”

He does it again and then slides his middle finger back inside her. He’s able to get a second finger in, and he curls them both up against that spongey spot of her front wall. He uses his other thumb to rub around her clit. He looks up at her and can’t help but smirk when he sees her head rolled back into the pillow.

“Can tell you’re close, love, you gonna come for me?”

“Shit, oh my god, yes!” She cries out. His words put her over the edge and she comes around his fingers. He goes over to his backpack to grab a condom, and takes his boxers off so he can roll it on. He gets back on the bed between her legs.

 “You know, I never asked, are you on the pill or anything? I don’t mind using condoms, I’m just curious.”

“Yeah, I’m on the pill.” She puts her hands on his shoulders and smiles.

He hums his response and lines himself up with her. He starts to push inside, but he stops.

“Why’d you stop?” She pouts.

“Just wanted to make sure you still wanted to.”

“I do! Please, just keep going.”

He nods and slowly pushes inside her. He grunts once he’s all the way in, and stays there a moment before pulling out and pushing back in. Her mouth falls open from the pleasure.

“That feels really good.” She says, pressing kisses to chest.

“Yeah? Like it like this, babe?”

“Mhm.”

He continues to carefully thrust in and out of her. She bites her bottom lip, and decides to let him know how she’s feeling.

“Could we…could I…um…”

“What is it, baby? Tell me what you want.”

“What if I got on top?”

“You sure you wanna try that now? When’s your class?”

She looks off to her clock.

“I’ve got thirty minutes, plenty of time.”

“Alright.” He pulls out and switches spots with her. He sits up against the wall and waits for her. She gives him a funny look. “What?”

“Aren’t you supposed to lay down?”

“Not necessarily, I wanna help you, just come here.”

She crawls into his lap, and lines herself up with him. They both look down as she slowly sinks down on him. Her eyes flutter closed for a moment to get used to it. He helps her wraps her legs around his waist, and his hands grip her ass. She wraps her arms around his shoulders and he slowly thrusts up into her. Her eyes snap open when she feels how deep he’s able to go.

“Oh my god.” She looks at him. “Do that again.”

He slots his lips over hers and gets a rhythm going. She does her best to move along with him, but she doesn’t mind that he’s doing a lot of the work. She sucks his bottom between her teeth before moving to nibble on his earlobe.

“Harry.” She whines.

“Feels good?”

“Feels so good.” She bites down right on the crook of his neck and he groans.

His hands grip harder on her ass he moves her a little faster. Her clit was rubbing against him in the most perfect way, and she could feel another release approaching. She grips at his hair and tugs hard as she cries out into his chest. He spills into the condom as she comes down from her high. They both take a minute to sit there. He holds her close to him and rubs her back. He kisses her temple and then moves to her now puffy lips. He gives her a soft smile when he sees her mascara had run a bit. He uses his thumbs to help clean up under eyes, and it makes her giggle.

“I’ll just use a makeup wipe.” She pecks at his lips and slowly gets off him. “Blegh, I don’t like the way that feels at all.”

“It’s cause you’re so sensitive, babe.” He gets up and rids himself of the condom, putting his boxers and other clothes back on. He watches as she grabs a towel to wrap around herself.

“Mm, right, I forgot you were a sexologist.” She rolls her eyes. “I’m just gonna pee, I’ll be right back.”

She’s back in a couple minutes and he watches her rifle through her workout clothes. She settles on a pair of cropped leggings, a sports bra, and a t-shirt. She flips her hair over and puts it up in a messy bun, and then grabs a makeup up wipe to get everything off. She sits down next to him to lace up her sneakers.

“I’m not a sexologist.” He mumbles.

“I know, I was being sarcastic.” She smirks.

“I’m aware.” He sits back on her bed and she looks at him. “I did take a women’s health class last year, though, and we talked about things that can happen after sex, so that’s the only reason why I know that.”

“Why in the fuck did you take a women’s health class, Harry?” She nearly laughs.

“I don’t know, my mum said it would be a good idea…and it counted towards one of my gen eds. I actually learned a lot. You ladies, uh, have a lot to deal with.”

“Were there other boys in the class?”

“A couple. I mostly kept to myself, I didn’t want anyone thinking I was there just to meet girls or anything.”

“Tell me, what else did you learn?” She was intrigued now.

“Basically everything that goes on with your body from birth to death.”

“Is that how you learned to be so go in bed?” She blushes.

“No, but please, keep inflating my ego.” He grins. “How are you feeling right now?”

“Good, I may refrain from doing squats because my legs feel like jelly, but other than that, no complaints.” She leans back to kiss his cheek. “I have time to get it together during class anyways.” She looks over at her click. “Which I need to get to now.”

She stands up and so does he. He wraps his arms around her from behind and gives a squeeze before letting her go. As she walked to class she couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. She could definitely get used to having a boyfriend.

//

Things went on like this for a few a weeks. Harry and Y/N would meet up when they could for homework dates, keeping their actual tutoring sessions at the library so no funny business would happen. When they were alone, it was on just about every time. He tried to livestream her away games, and he was at every single one of her home games. When she gave him one of her jerseys from the previous year to wear, he tackled her and showered her with kisses. He wears it to all her home games now.

“You don’t have a game Saturday night, right?” He asks her one evening while doing homework.

“Nope, just during the afternoon, why?”

“There’s going to be free skate Saturday night, would you wanna go? I sort of have to be there for senate. I’ll understand if you won’t feel like it.”

“No! That sounds like fun. I never get to skate just for the hell of it. What time does it start? My, um, mom is coming to the game Saturday and she’s going to want to get dinner afterwards.”

“It starts at eight, and you’re mum’s coming?”

“Mhm.”

“Will I get to meet her?”

“Do you want to?” She raises an eyebrow at him.

“I think I should, you’re my girlfriend after all. Does she know about me?”

“Of course she does! I told her a week or so after we made things official. She’s going to sit in the parent’s section most likely…”

“I don’t mind not sitting with the usual people I go with. It would give me some time to chat with her if I sit with her. I wanna make a good impression.”

“You’re so sweet.” She smiles.

“Your siblings aren’t coming?”

“Nah, they’ll hang back to watch the bar.”

“Cool, well, I’m excited. What have you told her about me?”

“I told her how smart you are and how we met because you’re tutoring me.” She shuffles his papers and laptop away to crawl into his lap. “And I told her how sweet you are, and how you always walk me home when it’s late, and stuff like that.”

“Oh.” He wraps his arms around her waist.

“And I told her about your major, and how you’re on senate, and that you’re an all-around good person. I sent her a picture of you and she agreed that you’re very cute.”

Harry can’t help but smile while he presses his lips to hers.

“The tattoos didn’t throw her off?”

“Not at all.” She scoffs. “My mom is pretty chill for the most part. She just wants me to be happy, and I am, so it’s no skin off her nose.”

“I told my mum about you too, you know. I told about how nice you are and how passionate you are about hockey, and how bright you are.”

“Oh, stop.”

“I mean it! I really admire you, Y/N. It takes a lot of work to balance being a student-athlete.”

“Thanks, Har.” She pecks his lips and nuzzles into his neck.

//

On Saturday, Harry explains to his friends that he’ll be sitting on the parent side of the arena to meet Y/N’s mom. He has the jersey that Y/N gave him on, so he wasn’t hard to find. He feels a tap on his shoulder just as he’s getting some ketchup onto his hotdog. He turns around and looks down to see a woman who sort of looked like Y/N.

“Hi, are you Harry? I could only assume since you’re wearing a jersey with my daughter’s name on it.”

“Yeah! Hi, are you Mrs. Y/L/N?”

“Mhm, please, just call me Angie.” She gives Harry a gentle hug. “It’s so nice to meet you, Y/N told me so much about you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too. Did you want anything from concessions before we go in?”

“Oh, no, I’m all set, but thank you.” She smiles. “I’m so excited, this is the first game I’ve been able to get to all season. I heard you’ve been to every single one.”

“It’s important to support the women’s teams just as much as the men’s.”

“Well, I know how much it means to Y/N, so thank you.”

He follows her into the arena and they sit in a row a few up from the glass. Harry finishes his hotdog and tosses his trash into a nearby bin. Everything goes dark, and lights start flashing. The crowd cheers for both teams as they come onto the ice. Harry cheers and claps for Y/N, and so does her mother.

Y/N assists a goal, and the crowd goes wild. Later on she’s sent to the penalty box for knocking someone over, to which she argued with the ref about, to which Harry had to fight the blood rushing to his dick watching her get fired up. She sits there for the two minutes, and gets back on the ice. Harry chats with Y/N’s mom between periods, and the girls end up winning 3-1. It was a good game.

“I’m glad it’s over, I was really starting to get cold.” She chuckles as they go out to the lobby. “I was planning to take Y/N for a bite to eat once she’s done, would you like to join us?”

“Oh, I don’t wanna impose on your alone time…”

“Don’t be silly! You’re welcome to join, I’m sure she’ll love it.”

“Thanks, yeah, if she’s cool with it I’d be happy to join.”

Twenty or so minutes go by before Y/N emerges in the lobby. She had some ice wrapped around her shoulder, and a huge smile on her face when she sees her mom.

“Mum!” She runs over to her and they hug.

“Hi, sweetie.” She kisses her cheek. “What’s wrong with your shoulder?”

“Nothing, the trainer just wanted it wrapped up.” She shrugs and goes over to hug Harry.

“Great game.” He says.

“Thanks.” She smiles and kisses his cheek. “Do you wanna join us for dinner?”

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

“Perfect, how does Chinese sound?” Her mom asks.

“Works for me.” Y/N says.

“Sounds good.” Harry says.

“Harry, I’ll need to go ready at my place before free skate. Ashley’s having a…get together tonight.”

“That’s fine, I’ll wanna change to.”

They tell each other as they climb into Angie’s car. She laughs to herself and shakes her head at Y/N.

“What?”

“You can just say you’re going to a party. You just won a game, of course you guys are gonna celebrate tonight.” She nudges her.

The three enjoy a nice Chinese buffet. Angie is able to get to know Harry a little more, and Y/N eats it up. Harry knew how to speak with adults since he had to do it often for student senate. He was definitely making a good impression.

“Want to just drop you off at your apartment, honey?”

“That’d be great mom, thanks.”

Angie gets out of the car to give Y/N a big hug and kiss goodbye, and she gives Harry a hug as well. Y/N keys into her apartment, and brings Harry upstairs with her.

“It shouldn’t take me too long, and then we can go to your place.”

“Take your time, we don’t need to be the first people there.” He says, settling to lounge on her bed.

He watches as she picks out a pair of ripped mom jeans and a long sleeve white crop top. She heard him laugh and she turns her head.

“What?”

“What’s the point of that having sleeves if half your stomach isn’t covered?”

“It’s going to be cold on the ice, and hot at Ashley’s. I’m just trying to help myself out for both scenarios.” She takes her hair out of its messy bun and shakes it out. She runs her straightener through it quickly, and then changes. She puts a little makeup on and looks at Harry. “Well?”

“Look good enough to eat, babe.”

“Don’t start.” She giggles. “Let’s go, you take longer than me to change.”

“I do not.” He says with fake offense.

“Yes, you do.” She boops his nose and tugs him out of her room.

“We’re going to free skate tonight, and then we’ll come to Ashley’s.” She says to Amanda, peeping her head into her room.

“Okay, we’ll see you later, have fun!”

Y/N and Harry make their way to his apartment, and head up to his room. He puts his contacts in, and peels his jersey and undershirt off. He finds a short-sleeve button up in his closet and throws that on with some jeans. He finds a jacket to wear over it and puts his beanie back on.

“Alright, ready?”

“Mhm.”

They make their way to the ice arena and get their skates. There was a small line which Harry was happy to see. He watches as Y/N nimbly laces up her skates, and she looks at him.

“Do you want some help with those?” She asks.

“Would you mind? I feel like I can never get them tight enough.”

“The trick is tug them down here first.” She kneels in front of him and it makes him blush to see her basically on her knees before him. “See? Feel the difference?” She looks up at him innocently.

“Um, yeah.” He swallows and she ties up his other skate. “Thanks.”

“No worries.”

She helps him up and they make their way onto the ice. There was a good amount of people skating, and there was music playing. Harry looks over to see his friends from senate.

“Hold my hand?” He asks and she giggles, taking it without question. They both gently glide their way over. “Nice turn out, huh?” He says to Andrew and Billy.

“Yeah! Awesome Weekends really pulled it together.” Billy says.

“I think the free cocoa and popcorn was nice a touch.” Andrew points over to small station off to the side of the arena. “Hi, Y/N, that was a great game earlier.”

“Oh! Thanks.” She smiles.

“I thought your penalty was bullshit, that girl nudged you first.” Billy says.

“That’s what I said! This is why they should just let us fight each other, it’s so annoying.”

“Where’s Ari?” Harry asks, looking around.

“Ah! She’s here with Scott Paxton.” Andrew points to the other end of the rink. “My jaw dropped when I saw her walk in with him.”

“Oh good, I’m glad she’s got a date.” Harry says relieved.

“Well, are we going to stand around, or are we skating?” Y/N asks.

“Aren’t you tired?” Billy asks.

“Not at all! I never get to just fuck around on the ice.”

She starts skating backwards to the beat of the song that’s playing, and Harry glides towards her, taking her hands in his.

“How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Skate backwards.”

“Oh! It’s easy!” She frees her hands from him and skates around him so she’s behind him, hands on his hips. “It’s just like skating forwards, only backwards.”

“You’d be a horrible tutor, Y/N.” Harry chuckles.

“Shut up! You’ll see what I’m saying, just move with me, I’ve got you.”

He looks over his shoulder so he can see what they’re doing, and he watches as she moves her legs and he tries to do the same.

“See! You’re getting the hang of it.”

“Just don’t let go.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Y/N ends up skating around a bit while Harry talks with some of the student senate people towards the end of the event, but all in all they had a great time together. She helps him get his skates off, and he sighs with relief.

“I don’t know how you wear these all the time.” He says he gets his boots back on.

“You just get used to it.” She shrugs and stands up. “Ready to go have some more fun?”

“Mhm.” He takes her hand as they walk out of the arena, and towards Ashley’s apartment. “Did you have fun?”

“Yeah! It was great.”

“It was like being on a little date, huh?”

“Mhm.” She smiles up at him. “You looked cute skating.”

“Did I? Thought I looked like an idiot.”

“Oh stop, you’re decent enough for someone who doesn’t skate every day of their life.”

“Last year I took one of those one credit courses so I could take a skating lesson. That’s the only reason I didn’t fall flat on my ass.” This makes Y/N laugh and loop her arm through Harry’s to keep him close. “I liked the way you hung onto me to show me some stuff.”

“See, I ended up being a pretty decent teacher after all. Our methods are just different.”

They get to Ashley’s and head right in. She tells them they can leave their jackets in the hall closet if they want, and then head into the kitchen. Y/N was allowed to have whatever alcohol she wanted, and by proxy, so could Harry. He makes them up some vodka cranberries, and they both head downstairs to join a game of beer pong.

Y/N goes off to hang out with her friends, and Harry does the same, knowing a few people at the house. She does some shots with them and makes her way back over to Harry, tugging him away to come dance with her. She grinds her ass against his pelvis, and his hands press into her hips. She loved that Harry wasn’t one of those guys that was too scared to dance. It made going to parties with him so much more fun. After a couple of songs, she can feel how incredibly hard he is against her.

“Yours or mine tonight?” He asks as he nips at her neck. Her arm hooks up around him so she can tug at his hair. Her head falls back to his shoulder.

“Yours, want the bigger bed.”

“Yeah? Wanna have a little more room, babe?”

“Mhm.” She nearly whines.

“You ‘bout ready to go?”

“Yeah, take me home, baby.” She pouts at him.

He lets her walk in front of him to hide his boner as they grab their jackets. He gives her a piggy-back ride back to his place, and he gets her inside, up the stairs, and into his room. They both kick off their shoes, and once their jackets are off, she’s on him. Her tongue licks its way into his mouth and he happily sucks on it, loving the way he could taste the cranberry juice from her mixer.

Her hands slide down his torso, unbuttoning his shirt the rest of the way, and then she tugs at his belt. His hands grope her ass and then her breasts before pulling her shirt off. He places needy kisses down her chest before getting her bra off, and tackling her onto the bed. She giggles as she gets a little more comfortable.

“Want me to suck on it first, Harry?”

“Please.” He flops next to her and she straddles him. She kisses down his chest and undoes his pants. She tugs his hard cock out and puts her mouth right on him.

He bucks his hips up slightly as she pumps what she can’t fit. She tugs his pants and boxers down further so she can grip onto his thighs. His hands rake through her hair to keep it back for her.

“So fucking good, Y/N.” He bites his bottom lip as he watches her bob her head up and down. She moans around him as a response, and he nearly loses it. “I’m gonna come if you keep doing that, and I’d like to fuck you, so.” He pulls her head off him, and his mouth falls open when he sees the string of spit between his tip and her bottom lip. “Christ.” He yanks her up to him and crashes their mouths together.

He bites and sucks on her bottom lip, and she rolls her hips down on him. He winces, not liking the way her jeans feel against his bare dick. He gets her on her back to get her pants off. Once they’re both naked, he hovers over her so he can kiss her lips again, sliding his fingers between her folds. She gasps when she feels two fingers slide inside her. He twists and curls them and it has her moving her hips along the same way. He watches her face and love the way she makes eye contact with him.

“You like that, babe?” He asks.

“Yes, fuck, don’t stop.” She pleads with him as if he would ever be so mean to tease her and pull his fingers away. He’d give her anything she wanted, she never needed to beg.

He kisses on her neck while his thumb rubs against her clit. She scratches at his shoulders, and she moans out his name. He takes his fingers away and kisses her before reaching for a condom.

“Har?”

“Yeah?” He asks as he rolls it on.

“Would you bend me over the bed?”

“Y/N, if you’re fucking with me I’m gonna be super pissed.” He glares at her.

“I’m not! I mean it, please! I like when we do it from behind, I just wanna try it this way.”

“Alright, get up.” He helps her off the bed, and then she bends over in front of him, propping herself up on her elbows. She wiggles her bottom at him, and he gives her a little smack, making her giggle. “Ready?”

“Mhm, give it to me.”

He lines himself up and pushes inside. She moans out lowly. He starts out by gripping her hips, rocking in and out of her. He wanted to ease her into it.

“I can handle more, Harry, it’s okay.”

“Want it harder, baby?”

“Please.”

He pulls out almost all the way and slams back inside her. Her mouth falls open, and she grips the blankets as he does it over and over. He has to grip onto the back of her neck to keep her in place once he gets an even pace going. All she could hear was his skin slapping against hers. His other hand slips around to rub on her clit and she backs up against him.

“Think you can fuck yourself on my cock while I rub on you?”

“I can try…” She was so fucking wet just from hearing him say that. She moves forward and back, on and off his cock while he rubs on her clit.

“That’s it, babe, use me.”

“Jesus, Harry.” She groans, and bites her bottom lip so she could concentrate. “Oh my god.”

He presses further into her while she backed up on him. She loses it then. He has to move one of his hands over her mouth to muffle her screams. He spills into the condom, the feeling of her squeezing around him did him in. He kisses the backs of her shoulders before pulling out and getting rid of the condom. She collapses onto the bed.

“Alright?” He rubs her back and helps her the rest of the way up.

“Yeah, that was just…wow.” She looks up at him. “I need to pee.”

She looks around and finds her jersey that he was wearing earlier. She was much more comfortable going by herself now, so she waddles out of his room. He can’t help but grow hard again. She just looked so sexy only in her jersey. She comes back in looking freshly fucked and she raises an eyebrow at him.

“What?”

“Nothing…um…” His face was flushed and her eyes flick down to his hard cock and back to his eyes.

“Are you already hard again?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?” She chuckles.

“You look so fucking hot like that. I can wait if you don’t wanna go again so soon.”

“What would you have me do?”

“Come sit on me, bounce up and down?”

“Okay.” She bites her bottom lip.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m still pretty wet, see?” She lifts the bottom of her jersey so he could see. “Even with going to the bathroom, I just couldn’t help but think about how good it felt.”

“You’re soaked.”

“Mhm.”

“Get over here.” He leans over to his desk and grabs a condom, but she takes it from him. “What are you doing?”

“Do you…I don’t know…maybe not want to use one?”

“That’s how accidents happen.”

“I’m on the pill, I never miss one. I have them with me so I can take it in the morning like I usually do. You could come on my stomach of you feel more comfortable with that. I just wanna feel you.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” She goes to take the jersey off but he shakes his head no. “Leave it on.” He says lowly.

She crawls onto his lap and sinks down on him. He lays back and lets her go to work. She moves around in a circle at first and then starts to move up and down. His hands grips her hips and then smooth over the globes of her ass.

“You’re so fucking sexy like this, you have no idea.”

“You feel so good, Harry.” She throws her head back as she bounces up and down on him.

“Shit, so do you.”

He wasn’t going to last long, but he wanted to make sure she got hers before he did, so he lifts the jersey a little to rub her sensitive clit.

“Harry!” She gasps and claws down his chest with her nails. “Shit, oh my god!” She comes around him much sooner than she thought.

He pulls her off him, and press her front into the mattress. He lifts the jersey up so he can come on her ass and back. He sighs with relief once he’s done.

“Let me get a towel, babe, one second.” He slides his boxers on and rummages in his closet. Once he finds a spare towel he leaves the room. She was confused but when he comes back she feels warm water on her. He flips her over and wipes between her legs. Her eyes grow wide. He had never done that before. He looks at her and blushes. “Sorry, was that weird?”

“No! I just…you’re just always a gentleman, Harry.” She chuckles.

He tosses the towel into his hamper and practically rips the jersey off her so they could lay skin to skin. He pecks kisses to her lips and chest and rubs her back as they settle in. He pulls the blankets up over them and they both sigh.

“I like your bed so much better than mine.” She nuzzles into his chest. “So cozy.”

“Your bed is cozy too.”

“Yeah, but we have way less room, and as much as I love you, we both get too sweaty in my dinky bed.” She didn’t realize what she said until she feels his body stiffen under hers. She props herself up to look down at him. “I mean, I just meant, um-“ He cups one of her cheeks.

“Don’t you dare try to take it back.”

“It just slipped out…I-“

“Stop.” He shakes his head. “You love me?”

“Harry, I…yeah, I do, I love you.” He pulls her face down to his so he can kiss her.

“I love you, too.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” She smiles. “Well, this is nice for us.”

“Yeah.” He chuckles. “It’s very nice.” She starts laughing too. “What is it?” He asks as he turns them both over so he can spoon her.

“Nothing, I’m just really fucking glad I had no idea how the brain functioned so I could get you as a tutor.”

[buckyismybicycle]

[PART 18] TEACH ME HOW TO LOVE (DAD!BUCKY X TEACHER!READER)

Title: teach me how to love - AO3 Pairing: Bucky x Reader (teacher) Rating: Explicit (for Chapter 9 & 12) Tags/Warnings: godfather!Bucky, canon-typical violence/death of character, fluff, angst, learning disability, almost a spy AU, PTSD, nightmares, mentions of anxiety, oral/penetrative sex, body modification, pain and angst, hurt/comfort

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Author's Note: Look, we're still pain-free! Wow! Toddler-sized shoutouts are still happening - check this little announcement. Thank you to everyone who has shared/reblogged or rec'd this fic. Seeing people read and enjoy this fic gives me life & writer juice lol. You guys are the best!💕

Bucky wakes slowly, with you stroking lazy patterns on his chest. He can’t believe you’re still here, willingly.

How close had he come to losing this forever? Would you really stay? How long could you put up with his uselessness?

“Hi,” you whisper into his neck, sensing the shift in his body.

“Hi,” he croaks. “You’re still here.”

“I’m still here.”

“I’m the luckiest man on this planet,” he murmurs, still hazy from sleep. He wants to stay in this moment forever, but his stomach rumbles, ruining the moment. You chuckle softly, and pull away, despite his protest.

“C’mon, there’s soup,” you tug on his hand.

The low simmering of the soup makes the scent of the broth wafting from the kitchen and his stomach rumbles even louder. Shit, when was the last time he had eaten?

“Hope it’s okay, I figured something simple might be best if you’re on any heavy medication?”

“It’s -”

It’s so much. It’s overwhelming, the amount of care you have within you.

“It’s perfect. Thank you,” he swallows, trying to quash the overwhelming feeling of helplessness. You simply rummage through the cupboards for a bowl to serve him, as he stands by idly. It makes an irrational anger at himself flare.

You smiled at him like nothing was wrong, but there was. Why was he this helpless? He still had an arm, for fuck’s sake. Do something.

But he was trapped in his mind, replaying images of you doing this exact thing for him, over and over, doting on him like a child when he was a fully grown man. And he had to prove that he could still take care of Yelena.

“You don’t have to do that,” he tells you, his voice strained. It sounds more biting than he intended, and he looks away guiltily, waiting for you to berate him for being ungrateful or soothe him, overly comforting.

“Okay,” you say softly, surprising him. You had already set the bowl down, going to spoon some for yourself. “Could you grab the spoons?”

Bucky lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding and trails behind you slowly, grabbing utensils as directed. He’s not sure if you planned for this, but he’s relieved that he only needs one hand and you eat in relative silence. It feels to him like he’s on thin ice, and he doesn’t want to ever hurt you again. When he peers over at you, he notices that you look somewhat tired, but beautiful nonetheless.

“Do you, um, want something to drink?” He offers a little awkwardly. “There’s wine?”

You could do with a little something to calm your nerves, actually, so you accept and clutch your hands together so as to not reach out to help. From your reading, you knew that having a sense of autonomy and normalcy was something that you had to work hard to maintain. Bucky didn't want to be coddled, you could see that very clearly. It was just a matter of learning how to read him. When the silence gets just shy of uncomfortable, you ask him for a proper tour of the house.

He seems grateful for the distraction and task, so you two carry on with glasses in hand. You think belatedly that perhaps he shouldn’t be having alcohol with his medication, but you hold your tongue.

His home reminds you of Clint and Laura’s house - lived in, bright and cared for. While you stuck to minimalistic furniture and décor, Bucky’s house was littered with evidence of Yelena - paintings, toys, a princess blanket on the couch. It made you smile, seeing again how much Bucky cared for this little girl, who wasn’t even of his blood. He treated her like he was - better than, even. This was the type of relationship you hoped every child could have - pure love.

It’s an honour, really, to be in Bucky’s house, given how protective he is of Yelena. You’re taking the time now, to look over Yelena’s art projects - some you recognize from your own class, but others must have been done at home or maybe kindergarten. He hands you a glass of red wine, which you accept and clink your glass to his. You ask about some of the pieces, and he remembers the story behind each one - where they were, or what they were doing. When he disappears again, you look at some of the photographs of Yelena, Bucky, Clint and his family, and a beautiful redheaded woman, who you guessed to be Yelena’s mother.

When you head back upstairs, you laugh when he opens the door to Yelena’s room revealing four different walls.

“She couldn’t decide what her favourite colour was,” he shrugs helplessly.

“You’re the sweetest father I’ve ever met,” you tell him honestly. Bucky’s bedroom is absolutely empty in comparison. You’d been more focused on Bucky previously, but now you take in the three photographs that hang on a wall, and other than the master bathroom and bed, there’s really not much else.

His office is where the chaos is - he has paper strewn about all over his desk, which he seems to have forgotten about as he winces at the mess.

“Don’t worry, this is what my desk used to look like when I was grading papers for high school kids.” You notice there’s a photograph of the three of them, identical to the one in Yelena’s room.

“Were you and Yelena’s mom ever... ?” Bucky coughs on his wine.

“God, no. We were like two peas in a pod but never felt that way for each other. Just best of friends, or I guess, she was like a sister to me. The others used to call us the Terror Twins.”

“Terror Twins?”

“Apparently when we were grouchy, everyone would know. Supposedly we caused them hell.” The grin on his face told you that he absolutely knew it was the truth.

“I didn’t know you were such a brat!” You tease him, and the previous uneasiness continues to melt. This is what it was like to be around Bucky - relaxed, easy. Bucky shakes his head, amused, as he leads you back into the kitchen, where he places your empty glasses in the sink.

“I was the worst. We’d been in the game for over a decade, the best team there was. Maybe Nat could keep quiet, but I was such a frat boy. I bragged my ass off. Our numbers were fantastic. Two of us held all sorts of records in the private gym, it drove people nuts. So I guess if things didn’t go the way I wanted it to, I was a bit of a sourpuss. Only a little.”

“You were young and invincible,” you giggle. “You know, you always get such a big smile when you talk about it - Nat, and the good parts of your past, I mean.”

“I smile when talking about all that, huh? That’s a little messed up, isn’t it?” He asks bluntly.

“No! Not at all, it’s not what you used to do, it’s the people you did them with. You were like this when you were talking about Clint and his family too, when we drove up to meet them. I like when you talk so passionately, I guess.”

There’s a moment where Bucky pauses, mulling over his conversation that he had just had with Clint.

“It’s a lot to take in, I get that. Maybe it’s a bit too much to think about right now, but just remember that we’re all here. We all are. I think you should think about if this is what you want or if you’re trying to do that martyr shit and save her from your drama.”

“I feel like..”

“Like?”

“I feel like I just lost Nat all over again,” Bucky confided in a small voice. Clint stilled beside him, a sore topic for him too. “I remember lying there, watching everything fall apart around us. I kept thinking ‘we’re gonna die’ and I knew, even without looking, my arm was gone. When they took it off, I didn’t care. I thought I was done for.”

“But you pulled through it, you stubborn bastard,” Clint murmured with a small shoulder bump. He really felt for his friend, and remembers the countless therapy sessions he had to attend.

“I did. Not really of my choosing, but I did. And then when Yelena was finally mine, I just ran away from it all and I was so caught up in making sure Yelena was okay. But I remember feeling it, my arm - I could feel these shooting pains and there were so many times I just thought ‘go on, pick it up’ to realize it was just… gone. Gone, just like Nat. I didn’t want to make it out of there, Clint.”

“And… Now?” Clint asked hesitantly.

“Now I can’t stop thinking about letting people down. Letting her down. Like, there’ll come a day where she needs me and I won’t be able to do it. Just me, and my one arm, completely fucking useless. Just like I had been with that day.”

“You… didn’t get to process any of this,” Clint concluded. “Jesus, Buck, you’ve never talked to anyone about this. I know, because if you had, you wouldn’t be talking like this.”

“My therapist was shit,” Bucky grumbled, but Clint flicked him anyway.

“Then get a new one, Christ. It’s been years that you’ve just been keeping this to yourself? And now you’re letting it eat you alive? Some fuckin’ plan you got there. You deserve to heal, Buck.”

“I think… I need to talk to someone,” Bucky professes to you in a voice full of shame and regret. “I didn’t think it’d still be messing me up like this. I thought… I thought as long as I could make sure Yelena was okay, then I wouldn’t feel like -”

He cuts himself off, but you hold him closer to you.

“I don’t know how to do this,” his shaky voice concedes. “I don’t know how to be what you want, what you need.” He lets out a self-deprecating, dry laugh. “Hell, I wasn’t even so sure I knew what I was doing with you before but now…”

“This doesn’t change anything,” you stop him.

“It changes everything,” he corrects you. “Even if you say you don’t see me in a different light, I will. Everywhere I look, there’s something different. I haven’t figured out how to clean the house, showering takes me twice as long, I have to plan what to cook because -”

He surprises you by wrapping you in a bone-crushing hug before continuing.

“I don’t know how to be what you need, because I don’t know how to be what I need. I’m not myself, I may never be again. And that…”

“Scares you?” You offer timidly after a beat of silence.

“Yes.”

Leaning back to look him in the eye, you can feel the hurt behind him. Bucky, as strong as he was, had been hurting for longer than you had ever thought, letting it weigh more and more on him.

“Bucky, I can’t even begin to imagine what this is like for you, how hard or overwhelming this all feels. I’ve never gone through - no one has ever gone through what you’ve been through. There may never be another soul on this planet that could possibly know how you feel. But… If you’re willing to tell me, then I can listen. And I’ll only help if you want me too, and tell me how. I can do that!”

“I know you would,” he inhales deeply. “You’d drop everything to help someone, anyone. That’s who you are. This beautiful, generous, angel that gives everything they can. But I don’t even know what help to ask for. I’ve - I’ve never had to take it off. I wasn’t even entirely sure how to. That’s why I had to call Tony Stark.”

You couldn’t believe the sheer luck that Bucky had just met Tony recently. What would have happened if he hadn’t met the engineer? Would that have left Bucky… without a solution? Would he have just passed out from the pain, unable to alleviate it himself?

“They… they didn’t tell you how to take it off?” You were shocked. Bucky worries his bottom lip and shakes his head.

“That’s cruel!” You couldn’t help but blurt out, appalled by the inhumanity. .

“It wasn’t - they gave it to me without compensation. It was… a gift.” You’re not sure if he’s purposely being dense or if he truly thinks that what they did was okay.

“Bucky, it’s your body, you should know every part about you - and your arm. Even if you signed off on it, accepted it, whatever the case, they should have still told you basic information. How often it needs to be checked out, how to take it off, if you need. What to do, if it starts to hurt or - or damage your body, like Tony said.”

“I didn’t want to know,” he unveils. “I thought - every time they said maintenance I was reminded that I wasn’t entirely human. I was part machine, that’s what they treated me like. It was fine, then, but I just don’t want to think about it anymore.”

“Bucky, having a prosthetic doesn’t make you less human. You’re as human as they come, with a heart of gold.” You take his face gently in your hands to make sure he doesn’t look away. “We get check ups all the time for the rest of our bodies, your arm isn’t any different. I know you had some reservations about it, but it was beautiful, because it was a part of you.”

You’d go on to tell him more but his mouth is on yours before you know it, and you can’t help but follow every movement of his.

His right hand is slightly tangled in your hair and when he pulls back, his cerulean eyes are gazing at you with such intensity, you want to squirm on the spot. You turn to kiss his palm, hoping to convey your message.

“I’m sorry that I hurt you, that I was -”

“You were scared, and you doubted yourself,” you finished for him. “And I did the same thing. What if we could just put this week behind us, and go back to where we were?” Your voice is a little pleading, maybe desperate, but you had to see if Bucky could push past his own demons.

“God, I love you so much,” Bucky mumbles against your lips before capturing them again. You let your body melt against him, holding onto him and vowing this time, to never let him go.

I love you, too, Bucky.

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