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[88088-8]

tbh idk how im taking things these days. the way events have developed... I guess now its confirmed that he was talking to other girls before we even broke up. the girls he then, met up with, and brought to our house. I can't say im surprised. im just again, hurt. multiple times while talking, he got louder, and said "I DID NOT BREAK UP WITH YOU FOR LEXI!!!!" like first of all... no one said that. I didn't consider that possibility until you mentioned it. and I know a few times, (more frequently lately)he would be "going to Seans". never invite me to ride, always be vague about the encounter. If I started asking intently, he would always say it was only Sean there.

Well, come to find out. Sean is not some holed up lonely guy. he apparently has relations with multiple of lexis friends..... not just younger women, his daughters age. but mostly strippers, and people from that walk of life. --- Caleb would go there pretty often to drop off to him. he would get a q (he said) if im not wrong. every couple days. at some point in time I do feel like I remember him mentioning Sean getting a full at some point. I even feel like he mentioned him selling to m** and n**** and of course g*****. because I remember saying then, "wouldn't that kind of take most of your cl****s?" and I never heard about that again.

and then there were times that he came in, and would randomly mention l*xi. "oh my god, I saw **** the other day and she said that the kids ........... " I remember there being another time he mentioned her before easter, but I can't remember what he said.

then easter of course. I realized today while in the closet, that the two pairs of shoes that she put in halies easter basket.... they are both size fucking 8. her exact size. you're going to tell me that she just guessed it right????? fuuuck that. A week later. literally, Easter Sunday, then the following Friday night.. FIVE DAYS LATER. he randomly just chills with her. and she happens to get in his car and ride with him to drop stuff at MY HOUSE while im SLEEEEEEPING.

no no no no.

there was more then wtf I know. there was more talking. there are more lies. and I KNOW that bitch will fucking lie till she's beat stupid because she lied to me even after proof sent to her of my accusations. the VIDEO to be exact. that can't be twisted.

fuck it. I need to get on the I don't even care train. realize that I am better then ALL OF THAAAAAT. like wtf . she tried to randomly move in???? shes just THAT crazy? no. She just grabbed your phone and told you to take your pants off? 30 min after you left my FUCKING DRIVEWAY@!@!!!!!! (Saturday morn @ 3:55 am. the video was timestamped)

y'all spent all that night, into the morning together. got back to your place at 6 am. between then and 3pm you picked up her kids, and her bags on bags of things. your telling me... Caleb fucking Garrett just let all that happen and didn't want it to happen????

text me around 3-4pm and tell me you just picked them up because they ALL got kicked out? which you knew was a damn lie. you wanted to get halie?? bring her to the house with a women and her kids after you fucked her in her MAMAS BED? wHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK---- THE fucking bed she sleeps in with youuuuu.

and if it was terrible and she was so annoying, she wouldn't have been there as long as she was. you would have found a way to get her out. even by force. you've done that to me, why wouldn't she get the same or worse treatment by default? instead, you brought her to my house.....

and you wouldn't have been mean to me the entire time you were with her after I found out.... it wasn't until she was takin to the ER and the other girl wanted to go home, you unblocked me that Monday.

at the end of the day, I know you Caleb. when I found an old letter in a book id forgotten about... you said, "IS IT FROM L**I?? TO ME???" with complete excitement? w h a a a t and then we found her book... "did she write that while she was here" "is that to me" when I read out loud a passage she had written. I don't know if she wrote it, or if it was somet"hing she liked and wanted to read again. but you said "is that to me" like uhm no. its about god bro....

it just makes me sad, because this kind of behavior is what held us back from being so much more THE ENTIRE TIME. just fucking tell me dummy, I am so over the "I don't want to hurt your feelings shit"

and the only reason she got out of your house..... is because she had to go to the ER. And for several days, I asked about her, I was actually praying. You told me she hadnt replied because shes not awake. and Sean told you she was not awake yet. (seizure happened Monday) TRUTH WAS: SHE WAS AWAKE THE NEXT DAY. (tuesday)

and y'all were texting. you called her baby on Tuesday. said you were going to come up there. she sent a picture of her hospital food.

then on THAT Wednesday saw her to give her the bags she left behind that Monday. and lied about THAT. said you hadnt seen her at all since the seizure. told me on like Thursday, when I asked how she was (because I thought she was still in a fucking coma) and you said oh she woke up! shes okay... but truth is you had already talked to her, and SEEN HER AGAIN.

like I am such a fucking idiot for even talking to you.

[88088-8]

things are okay. I just got a wave of negative emotion. but I have the day off from work. (on call) and im going to go to Walmart and get some things to move into Nataly's. but at the same time I am so stressed about what my mom is going to do. and If its even going to work at Nataly's. im just trying to do what I know is best for me and halie. I can act the same way I did at the house, at my moms. and that's not healthy ultimately. I need to reset.

I just want me & Caleb to live in harmony. I hate that its so fucked up. he really crossed so many lines this last time.

[88088-8]

I wish I had more people to talk to. I don’t even miss him. I don’t wanna be with him. I just wanna be his friend. I’ve only ever wanted to be his friend. I want to be his best friend. I put so much of me into something that never came of anything. I really tried everything. And now some girl with a pipe in her mouth it’s going to come take my place.

Fuck it, I’m probably just high. Or need to get high.

I don’t know I’m lost cause.

[88088-8]

well... here goes again. lets just say this time its the end. I feel different. I feel more independent. I am enjoying my own company. im able to smoke again because im not in such a stressful environment that my brain suddenly goes into panic mode the minute I get high. I just feel all around better. it does suck that he's having such a hard time.. but that's not my responsibility. my responsibility is my daughter, and my self.

I just want to thank god, that I am finally free. that I am generally working on myself. trying to get my shit together one piece at a time. thank you Jesus for protecting. us each and every day. and blessing our existence with abundance. <3

and thank you for giving us back good test results back. Lin is healthy and has a long life ahead. thank you Jesus

[88088-8]

I can’t even begin to explain how I feel. I guess I don’t really know… it’s hard to pinpoint what’s going on. I mean I know I’m giving up on you. And my daughter is getting older… so I’m tired of the games. But I’m also so tired of myself. I don’t like who I am most days. And I have minimal people to talk to. And even when I do have a person to physically speak to I don’t have the energy to give them. The only things in life that make me feel good are my daughter and my job. I guess that’s more than most have.

Maybe I should practice being more grateful. Instead of constantly complaining …

[88088-8]

It really sucks that you still lie about stupid shit. My friend texting you and making plans with both of us. Not an issue. But I realize you never told me, so I asked… and you lied about who text you. When I already knew the truth. Nothing was suspicious about it until you decided to lie… makes me know you still lie about dumb things for no reason.

And the girl at the party, I recognized her as soon as I heard her name. But it frustrates me that if you have met her before, without me, you don’t introduce me as your wife. Or even girlfriend or baby mama. You know who she is, and it went from “met her a couple of times” to met her once. Either way you follow and like her pictures. Then don’t introduce me. Makes me feel a little insecure.

But on top of all that, I can’t even express how I feel because you get angry with me.. I can’t talk to anyone.

[88088-8]

I’ve never been this depressed in my entire life. I want to die. And no this isn’t a cry for help because god knows, no one would ever read this anyways.

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And another wild note. I can stay in a positive mindset. But 5 minutes with you.. and you shut that off.

I wish I could back in time and tell you then how manipulative you were being and tell you to FUCK OFF. 😀

[88088-8]

Love isn’t real. And no one is loyal. When I was younger I felt like everyone had a soulmate. But as I’ve grown old, I realize people all over are just terrible. No one is truly good, or has good intentions. No one cares deeply for someone else unless it benefits their adjective. I’ve always been talked to like I’m a burden. And tbh I believe it. I’m a burden to the darkness, trying to shine my light. But like most, my light has been dimmed and I too, am in the dark.

[88088-8]

I don’t want to exist anymore. I don’t want to be here. I’m always told how awful I am. How I have no purpose and no one will ever love me. I give up. I’m tired. And nothing is ever going to change. No one sees me. No one feels me. No one hears me. I’m basically already dead. Just existing to benefit others. That’s all.

After 28 years, I thought possibly maybe… I would want to live. But I’ve thought about dying since before I can remember. Fantasizing about a freak accident that took me out when I was younger, simply evolved into a longing to hurt myself since life didn’t give me the out I needed.

You say, well you must have a purpose.

No I do not.

[88088-8]

Well.. it’s getting easier staying sober. I’ve been indulging a little in zans a couple nights a week. And I know I could be switching one thing for another but for now it’s been a much healthier poison of choice for me. Wake up, go through my day being productive and present. Toward the evening, take a little pill and feel a little release of pressure. I know I know. It’s not for everyone but compared to the alternative… this is safer and healthier for not only me but my daughter as well. Including my career. I clearly have to surrender and understand my addiction for what it is. No more playing myself. I’d love to just smoke a j or have a glass of wine instead of a zan. But truth be told, neither have mixed well with me for the past couple weeks. Flower makes me have an anxiety attack???? Wtf is that about. And alcohol is the quickest way to fall off the wagon and in to the snow. So if I do drink I keep it in a controlled environment, and keep the drinks to a minimum to 1-2. Period. And only for special occasions. With the exception of the rare 1 glass of wine with Nataly. Me & ju usually focus on smoking together and she’s always a positive person to be stoned around. I still love Mary but this year has taken a toll on my physical and mental health in many many ways. And ultimately, me & Mary have a situationship going on.

But in other news. I’m doing my best to stay strong for Caleb during these hard times. It’s not easy, but I’m not perfect. Im reminding myself daily to give not only him, but myself grace. This is all new territory and at the end of the day, if we can depend on one another we can endure all.

Well night for now. Feels good to get some stuff out. No more hiatus’

[88088-8]

I’m feeling a little better today. Mostly just going to work and keeping up with my responsibilities, gives me a sense of relief. Feeling like I’m not a good for nothing low life. Feeling like I’m trying my best. Doing my best. I don’t know. I hope it isn’t momentary. I hope it lasts.

But I know that is partially (well completely) up to me. If I make healthy choices, the things and people around me will thrive. It’s when I let go, and self sabotage that things start to unravel. (lol imagine that)

Also, I’m a mom now. I can’t be selfish and unravel simply because life gets hard. It’s always going to be hard, and shit will always hit the fan. But I must remain steady, and focused through it all.

[88088-8]

Some days it’s really hard to find the will to live.

[88088-8]

I feel so depressed. I just feel like I’m drowning. We spent many days on a bender. How fucking smart. Halie is being effected. And I really just want to kill myself, like how can I let this happen. I’m tired of existing. I want to thrive. I want to love my life. I don’t want to waste Halie’s childhood, living in the past. God please give me peace, please give me peace. Thank you for giving me peace. The world is so fucked up. Life is so unfair. And the waves just keep crashing on us. I’m so dumb and reckless. Sometimes I really just hate myself.

[88088-8]

I swear I’m going to body the next person who plays me :)

[88088-8]

I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore. Idk. I just kind of take up space. I think I need to start taking my Lexapro again. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live without it. Give it a couple weeks without it and I want to die. There’s no meaning to life. And it’s dreadful just to feel this way at all.

Idk maybe I’m being dramatic. God the rollercoaster of my emotions is unbearable. Literally what the fuck.

[88088-8]

Like I can’t even begin to explain how much this place sucks. It always sucked. It was always terrible. But it just got worse. Even at times when I thought it wasn’t slimy and sleazy. It was. I was just ignorant to the lies. As I get older I see the world for what it’s always been. Before I saw glimpses. Little slithers of the darkness. And that alone was enough for me to throw in the towel. Now I’m simply over ran with regret and loneliness.