#I don’t know how to talk about my ocs but I love them. And it’s all that matters 2 me

[naughtyneganjdm]

Love's Second Chance: A Holiday Reunion - Chapter 21

Summary: Having Christmas morning alone with Negan, Y/N tries to get a feel for how he feels about things with a strong amount of guilt eating away at her for saying no to his proposal. During their Christmas get together, Joel gets angry when people seem excited at the potential idea of Y/N being married to Negan.

Characters: Joel Miller, the reader (OC), Negan Smith, Tommy, Maria, Peter, Elizabeth, Siddiq, Rosita, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60501985/chapters/159023956 Warnings: Swearing, Severe Angst, etc.

Notes: This is the second to last chapter. This is a long chapter with a lot of angst (I guess that's typical by now) -- thanks for taking the time to read this story! I appreciate anyone who did.

Today didn’t feel like Christmas. The time spent in New York with her family and Negan felt more like Christmas than today did. For some reason, there was a sense of negativity and sadness that lingered in Y/N’s heart. Things still felt off. Even after last night, something weighed heavy on her. It felt like the right thing to do with Negan and Joel having that talk, but she still felt guilty. Guilty about denying that job with Negan and telling him no to marriage. And then there was the house that he offered to get them if they stayed in this town. There were so many topics that she had to approach and she had no idea how to handle any of them. Including having Joel insist on having her marry him and not Negan.

Both Negan and Joel seemed to want this relationship for the three of them. Being together was not something they had a problem with. They showed that by the few times they had sex together. And? Yet? They both wanted to be married to her during this whole thing. And neither one of them seemed okay with the idea of not being married to her. Which truthfully? Made it so complicated and it stressed her out. More than she cared to admit.

Earlier Joel had woken up and left to go spend the morning with the children and Tommy. He assumed that the children, specifically Elizabeth would be worried about him if he didn’t. And really? He didn’t make a big deal of it. Negan was still sleeping, so he just kissed her goodbye and left. There seemed to be no tension, but things still felt…off? Maybe she was overthinking things, but she didn’t know.

“You’ve been quiet,” Negan commented causing Y/N to jump as his hands slid in over her hips from behind. Nuzzling his nose in against the side of her neck, he placed a loving kiss there and then wrapped her up in his arms. Squeezing her firmly, she leaned back into him accepting the hug that he was giving her. For hours the two of them had decided to bake and cook together. It was something she usually loved that took her mind off things and kept her busy, but today? It wasn’t working as well. Too many thoughts were running through her mind and there was an undeniable ache that was focused at the center of her chest. “I’m not used to it.”

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, dropping her hands to hook her fingers with his. Giving them a firm squeeze, she didn’t know what to say to make up for the way she was acting right now. “For some reason, my mind is just very busy.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Negan offered, peppering faint kisses at the side of her neck. It had her eyes coming to a tight close with a long sigh escaping her throat. It felt nice being like this. So why was she so upset?

“I don’t think today is the day to unload all of that because of what day it is,” she stammered, resting her head back against Negan’s shoulder. Having him cuddling her in his arms felt nice. Being with him was a wonderful feeling. So she didn’t understand why she was feeling the way she was. “I don’t want you worrying about me though.”

“I’m always going to worry about you,” Negan reminded her with a huff, his nose nuzzling in against the side of her face. His short beard scratched at her skin and it made her eyes come to a tight close again. “I love you. That’s what people do.”

Turning in his arms, she placed her hands firmly in over the center of his chest. Looking at Negan, he still seemed exhausted. And things did feel different after she turned down his proposal. It’s not like he was mad at her or angry. She just wondered if she broke his heart. And she didn’t like it. But it wasn’t that she was upset with him. Just before it felt like there was something light in their relationship. They were always happy and Negan brought forth the best feelings inside of her. Now? She didn’t know if she hurt their relationship to the point of making him miserable.

Palming up his chest, over the side of his neck and to his face had a faint smile tugging at his handsome features. As the warmth of her hand caressed at the side of his face, it had his long eyelashes fluttering to a close. Tipping up on her toes, she hovered her lips in over his hearing the faint exhale that escaped him at the imminent thought that she would kiss him. Rewarding him with the loving caress of her lips over his had his hands cupping her face in them loosely.

“I love you,” she whispered when they parted, leaving just enough room for her eyes to hook with his. Sweeping her thumb over his chiseled jawline had him smiling and giving her a firm nod. “So much. You know that, right?”

“Of course,” Negan assured her with a weak smile, but she couldn’t tell if it was honest or not. No one was better than Negan at plastering a smile over their face to pretend they were okay. “I love you too, very much.”

There was still pain in his hazel eyes and it hurt her so much to see it, but she tipped up on her toes to press another loving kiss over his lips. There was a silence between them when Negan lowered his head to nuzzle his nose in against the side of her face. Stroking her fingers at the back of his neck, her fingers sank into his hair causing him to sigh loudly.

“Y’know, I thought you’d be having your camera out today,” Negan tipped back attempting to change the subject. “You should be documenting today for yourself and the children.”

“Maybe I’ll do that when people start arriving,” she thought aloud tipping her head from side to side. What was strange is that today should have felt better. She was getting to spend the holidays with her whole family, including Joel and Tommy. Now having Negan here was a good thing. The previous holidays were hard because Joel was dating Tess at the time which meant that she was rarely included. But now they were all together for the holidays. It should have been something more positive. “Negan, I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Negan frowned, his expressive eyebrows furrowing. Maybe this was the wrong way to go about things, but she felt like she needed to apologize. Right now with the house smelling amazing from their baking and cooking, maybe they should have been focusing on that instead, but her mind was weighing heavy. With all the desserts and dinner that they had been working on, her stomach was rumbling, yet, she wasn’t hungry. “You’ve done nothing wrong. Other than get some egg on me earlier with the cookies.”

“For not being in the Christmas spirit I guess,” she came up with the first thing she could think of, but in reality she was really thinking about how she turned him down at that skating rink. Swallowing down hard, Negan simply shrugged his shoulders like he didn’t care. Christmas had always been her favorite holiday, but there was that depression that had set in. So much had been going on and it overwhelmed her to the point of her feeling bad. “I know you wanted today to be very different. Romantic…”

“I’ve enjoyed my morning with you,” Negan hushed her, placing his finger delicately over her lips to silence her. “Don’t apologize for something like that. Sometimes we all feel a little down and we can’t exactly help it.”

“You shouldn’t continue to be this nice to me Negan,” she insisted with a saddened breath. Truthfully? She never really felt like they got to that point of talking about what happened. “Your proposal was beautiful and I ran off on you.”

“It’s fine,” Negan shrugged it off, forcing himself to look away from her. That was a lie and she knew it. Grasping his chin between her thumb and index finger, she forced Negan to look at her. “What do you want me to say Y/N?”

“Be honest with me,” she responded, urging him to open up to her.

“Fuck, I don’t know what to say,” Negan reached up to pull her hand away from his face, grasping her hand firmly in his. “You just weren’t ready and it’s not what you wanted. I’m not going to be mad at you for it. You want something else and I’m going to find out what that is first. Everything else? We’ll figure out those details.”

“I still don’t think you’re being honest with me,” she stressed to him, shaking her head at his answer. “And that’s not the relationship that I’ve had with you. I think I broke your heart.”

“Does it make you feel better if I say yes?” he wondered, his hazel eyes narrowing with his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat.

Considering the question, she felt an ache growing at the center of her chest and she shook her head slowly, “No, not really.”

“Then why would I tell you that? The last thing I want to do is hurt you. So why don’t we just forget about it?” Negan suggested with a slight smile that just seemed like one of those fake ones that Negan had plastered on his face most of the time. Going to move around her toward the kitchen after placing a gentle kiss over her forehead, she stopped him by grabbing a loose hold of his wrist. Something about this was stressing Negan out. “I’m used to it Y/N…”

“Used to what?” she was trying to understand the things that he was feeling right now.

“Losing out to Joel,” Negan turned on his heel, his stare meeting hers again. Shrugging, it looked like he tried to say something more, but nothing else came out. Hearing that from Negan actually hurt more than she thought it would. “I’ve lost out to him my whole life Y/N.”

“That’s not what it was,” she tried to suggest, but Negan tipped his head to the side with his dimples becoming more prominent. Clearly he disagreed.

“Isn’t it?” Negan breathed out, throwing his hands up in the air. “I understand the job. You’re worried about the children? Okay. But refusing to marry me? Did that have anything to do with the children? Or was it because you still love Joel?”

There was a silence that came over them with Negan nodding his head, “See. I’ve been losing out to Joel in your eyes since he moved to this town. All it took was one look at him and you were in love with him. It didn’t matter how much I loved you or what I did, I wasn’t enough when it came to Joel. That night at the skating rink? It meant a whole lot more to me than it did you and I understand that. I just thought…I thought after everything you’d want to marry me. But you don’t. I think if Joel was still with Tess, you might have said yes, but since Joel is single? It’ll never happen. If Joel is an option, I’ll never have you. And I’ll have to learn to live with that. It just hurts. All I want to do is make you happy because I love you so fucking much. So I’m doing my best to hold down that sadness that I’m feeling. Because I don’t want to hurt you. Does what happened the other night hurt? Yes. Yes it does. But I’ll get over it. Just like I did when I was younger.”

Not sure what to say, she dropped her head down and heard Negan sigh loudly, “I was just too late again. Which seems to be my fate.”

“Negan,” she began, an undeniable lump growing in her throat. There was one thing that ate away at her this whole time. And she really believed it. She didn’t think she was good enough for Negan. She told Joel that she deserved better last night, but the more she thought about it? She really didn’t think she did. “I’m not good enough for you. You are everything women dream of having…”

“Listen, as upset as I am,” Negan placed his hand in over the center of his chest, “it doesn’t mean you are losing me Y/N. You still have me. I’m not going anywhere. I just have to realize that I’m going up against what? Two and a half decades of you being in love with Joel Miller? How does one compare to that?”

“Negan, you’re perfect,” she tried to reason with him, but he stepped forward with a hushing sound. Holding his hand up, he didn’t want her to continue. “I’m just saying…”

“I’m saying you’re wrong. I’m not perfect. I’m nowhere near it. Deep down? Joel Miller is probably a better man than I am. I know that. I fucked up bad for a while,” Negan explained to her, an evident sense of pain in his tone as he spoke. “So maybe he’s the one that deserves your love. And he’s the luckiest man in the world to have you love him as much as he does.”

“I don’t know how to make this better,” she confessed with a saddened exhale, hating that Negan seemed to be as upset as he was. “You have no idea how much I love you.”

“And I’m lucky you do,” Negan breathed out, stepping forward to palm down in over the side of her face. “I think you love me. I just think Joel Miller cemented himself in your heart and I’m not sure he’s ever leaving it.”

A tremoring breath escaped her throat with Negan saying what he did. Offering up a weak smile, he leaned down to give her a faint kiss, “How about we open our Christmas gifts early?”

“Negan,” she thought this was a conversation they really should have continued, but instead she realized that he just wanted to move on. “You don’t want to do that with everyone else here?”

Earlier they had already put all the presents out by the tree when they first had gotten up. Shaking his head, Negan led her toward the Christmas tree where all of the presents circled the bottom of it. Later she knew that Joel would undoubtedly feel bad about things because Negan went a little overboard with pampering Elizabeth and Peter.

Getting her to sit down on the couch, Negan went over toward the back of the Christmas tree where he had a bag leaning up against the wall. Moving in beside her, she noticed that there were multiple presents in there for her, “Negan?”

“Don’t worry, none of them are an engagement ring,” Negan joked, but she didn’t think it was funny considering the topic they were just talking about. Guilt was eating away at her and she knew that he could obviously tell that it was still bothering her. “It was a joke.”

Joke or not, it made her feel bad, “I just felt bad because I only got you one gift.”  

“That’s okay,” he shrugged his shoulders, looking down at the items that were in his hands. “These aren’t that special anyways.”

Over the last few days, Negan had asked her to marry him. He bought a house that he said would be theirs if she wanted it. A house that was their childhood dream house. He got her a contract with a famous baseball team that she turned down and he offered to let her live her dreams that she had growing up. What else could this man possibly give her?

“Here, you can open this one first,” Negan held out the bigger item and she shakily accepted it. Stroking her fingers over it, it wasn’t hard to realize that it was some kind of book underneath the wrapping paper. Starting to open it, she realized that was exactly what it was. A vintage looking photo booklet. Taking the wrapping paper, Negan set it beside them on the floor and turned to her. “With the help of my mother, I made this. It was supposed to go with…” Negan paused wondering if he should say this or not. “It doesn’t matter.”

Opening the front cover, she felt a lump growing in her throat at the young photos of them together. This was meant to be a gift the night he asked her to marry him and she knew that. Flipping through the pages, guilt ate away at her. It had a whole timeline of them together up until Negan was seventeen. And then there was a massive period of time that was missing up until their date at the first party they attended together. Then there were tons of photos of them together from over the last few weeks including the children and Joel. Closing up the booklet, she fought the urge to cry. She didn’t know why, but instead she feigned a smile and leaned across to press a loving kiss in over his cheek.

“And this one is kind of…well, I guess it’s kind of lame,” Negan explained handing it over to her allowing her to open it up. Inside it was a very nice bracelet with a few stones in it. Pointing toward them, Negan cleared his throat and circled it with his finger. “It has your birth stone along with Peter’s and Liz’s. I thought it would be something nice for you to have.”

“That’s actually really nice,” she explained in an uneasy tone realizing this had to have been incredibly expensive. “Are you sure you want me to have this?”

“Of course I do,” Negan assured her, helping her with the bracelet. Putting it on her, Negan hooked it together, fumbling at first but then he gave her a smile. It was then she realized that the bracelet matched the ring that he had when he asked her to marry him. And there was the guilt again. It was a nagging, aching pain in the pit of her stomach. “It looks good on you.”

Setting out two more boxes, Negan put them before her on the coffee table and shrugged his shoulders, “These are kind of pointless. I guess. But I thought you’d like them.”

“How many more gifts do you have?” she wondered, sliding forward on the edge of the couch to reach out for one of them.

“Just these two,” Negan explained with her slowly opening the first one realizing that it was an addition to the Christmas village that she had set up in the nook of her front window. It looked like it was an extensive Christmas castle that had a lot of bells and whistles compared to the ones she usually bought on sale. “I figured since I bought you your first one, I’d add to the village. Give you some more pieces to remind you of me.”

Opening up the next gift, she gazed upon the box to see that it was another piece to add to her Christmas village of characters ice skating that were supposed to move. Everything Negan gave her had some kind of special meaning. He went above and beyond, yet he labeled these gifts as lame or not that special. When, in fact, they were very special.

Setting the boxes on top of the coffee table, she turned on the seat to lean across to hug Negan firmly in her arms. It took a moment for him to wrap her up in his arms to return the gesture. Cuddling her head in next to his, she stroked at the back of his neck and felt her heart pounding inside of her chest. Maybe the feeling right now she was feeling wasn’t guilt, but regret? Or maybe it was a mix of both. Negan was perfect in every way possible. Especially when it came to her. And he was more romantic than Joel was ever capable of being. So thinking back on saying no bothered her. Especially since she had him confirm for her that it broke his heart.

Even though she didn’t want to, she could feel that her eyes were burning. Tears were not something that she should have had right now. Pulling away from Negan, she tried to turn away from him to hide the emotions that were building up, “We’re going to have to add these to the town before tonight. Find a space or move some things around.”

“Hey,” Negan whispered, his finger curling in underneath her chin to get her to look at him. Trying to fight it, she knew that Negan wouldn’t give up on it so she finally looked to him. Sweeping his thumb against her cheek, Negan’s face scrunched up. “What’s wrong?”

“They are just very sweet gifts Negan,” she was honest with him in the sense that she truly believed they were very nice gifts. Turning toward his hand, she placed a faint kiss at his pulse point and lifted her hand to press it in against the back of his. “Now I kind of feel silly about the gift that I got you.”

Trying to avoid the inevitable deeper conversation that would lead to her undoubtedly crying, she got up from the couch and moved over toward the Christmas tree. Pulling out the gift she had gotten for him, she headed back to the couch. It was heavy and she knew that she had to be careful with it. Negan’s eyebrows bounced up with surprise seeing how heavy it was.

“Careful,” she warned, handing it off to him before taking a seat beside him. Setting it on the coffee table, he listened to her directions even in the way that he was unwrapping her gift. Once he finally got it unwrapped, she felt nervous with the way he was eyeing over the gift. It was a shadow box that she had gotten personally made for him. “It’s dedicated to your favorite football team, but I’m sure…obviously you can see that. It lights up when you plug it in. It’s supposed to be a miniature of the original stadium that you went to as a kid. This part is an autograph from your favorite player when we were kids and I guess this was a piece of his jersey.”

Instead of saying anything, he continued to eye over the piece and it made her feel self-conscious about the whole thing, “Now thinking about it, this was probably a really stupid gift to give you. You’re rich so you probably already have his autograph and this is probably a very stupid gift because it’s cheap. Well, it wasn’t cheap for me. But for you I imagine…”

“Hey!” Negan stopped her from continuing on, lowering the shadow box and giving her a big smile. “I love it, so please stop attacking the fuck outta my Christmas gift. Okay?”

“I just…” she noticed the expression he gave her and she huffed. After everything he had done for her, this all felt very poor in terms of a gift to give him. “Okay.”

“This is really cool,” Negan assured her looking it over again. “And it’s very personal as it’s my favorite, and, you remembering my favorite player from when we were kids? I think that’s awesome. It’s better than my gifts.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. Your gifts always have so much thought in them,” she acknowledged feeling ridiculous that he had done so much for her and this is what she had pulled together for him. “I’m sorry it’s not better.”

“Knock it off,” Negan laughed, setting his gift carefully down on the coffee table before him. Turning to her, he reached for her hands and gave them a small squeeze. “You know how much I love my football. I think the gift is really fucking cool.”

Keeping one of her hands in his, Negan lifted the other and swept his thumb in over the curve of her jawline, “I love you and I’m just happy I get to spend today with you.”

“How are you not mad at me?” she finally let her emotions get the best of her, her eyes lifting to meet his. That whole not crying thing? Yeah, that was getting the better of her with everything going on. “What I did…”

“Please, don’t…” Negan hushed her, sliding forward to pepper kisses over her face when he realized that she was crying. They were soft and tender attempting to calm her. “I don’t want you to feel like this because of me.”

“I just feel guilty,” she declared, hating that she knew how much she genuinely loved Negan and how good he made her feel. “I want everything you offered, I do, but then I know I have all my responsibilities here and…”

“Joel,” Negan finished for her getting a groan from her and he could tell that the idea of Joel upset her. “I understand. We need to make things work for you in a way that makes you comfortable. And I’ve been thinking about everything. I still want you to travel with me during the last season. Even with the offer from the team, I think we could make every two weeks work? I have a friend that might be able to work with me the other two weeks. That way you can be with your family every two weeks like you were originally before I got here.”

“I don’t know,” she felt somewhat on the spot again realizing that he was attempting to make things work for her with the offer to have her work with him. “It’s something to think about. But I’m not sure it’s something I can just say yes or no to immediately.”

“I…I understand that. And?” Negan paused to consider what he was going to say next. “I still want to marry you. I still want us to live together, but I want you to want those things. And if you don’t, then I can accept that and the only thing I want…the only thing I need, is you in my life somehow. Because I love you and I love your family. I want to be around you, but I don’t want you sad. I want you happy.”

“I’m a mess,” she admitted with a frown realizing that even though she tried to settle things last night, they weren’t doing a great job with that. Either of them. Sliding in beside her, he managed to get her to tip her head back to press his lips in over hers. The faint caress was passionate and lingering managing to take her breath away like he always did. “I want you happy Negan and I feel like I won’t be able to make you happy.”

“Honey, just having you in my life again fucking makes me happy,” Negan promised her with a slight grin, nodding his head about. While there was some truth to that, she knew there was more there with him and it was hard. “I just love you and I want you content.”

There was so much she should have said, but instead she leaned forward to rest her head against his. Instinctively, Negan wrapped her up in his arms and held her close. A hug from Negan was what she really needed most right now. He always knew exactly what to do when she needed it and she loved that about him.

Even though he was saying this, she knew that he was avoiding the part where she inevitably broke his heart. The glow that Negan naturally had was gone. His smile was there, but she hurt him. Picking worrying about her over himself felt wrong.

All she had to do was get through today and then she could make her decision. Whatever that decision was supposed to be. Because right now, she had no idea.

They cooked for a while longer before she had Negan start to get ready. All day they were in their sweats together, just relaxing. It wouldn’t be too long before everyone started showing up and she would have to pretend that everything was okay.

Allowing Negan to take a shower first, she suggested that she had other things that she had to take care of before she got ready. Instead she sat on the bed flipping through the photo book that Negan had made for her of them together.

It was hard loving two men. There was no doubting that she loved both Negan and Joel. Joel was a significant part of her life and so was Negan. They both stood for a completely different time in her life. And they were so different, yet she loved them both.

Hearing the sound of the shower behind the open bathroom door, she set aside the photo booklet and pulled her clothes off. Moving into the bathroom, she reached for the shower door and pulled it open. Looking back over his shoulder at her, Negan gave her a charming smile and turned to face her as she joined him.

“I thought you had something to do?” Negan reminded her, reaching out to caress in over her sides when she stepped in under the water with him. By the way she was looking at him, he knew that her mind was still busy with overthinking things. Frowning, he pressed in closer to her and lowered down to deposit a faint kiss against her lips. “Y’know, you don’t have to marry me if you don’t want to. I didn’t think it would make you this upset.”

“No, that’s not completely it Negan,” she hushed him, caressing in over the side of his face. Closing his eyes, Negan leaned into her touch and the expression over his face made her heart race. “It’s hard to explain.”

“Make me understand,” Negan pled, hooking his fingers with hers and turning into her touch to place a kiss over the center of her palm.

“I’m not sure I even understand it,” she reasoned with him, shaking her head at the thoughts swirling around in her mind. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been as happy as I’ve been when I’m with you. I’ve been miserable until you showed back up into my life. Elizabeth and Peter were my only joys in life. When you came around? I started enjoying life again. I just panicked when you asked me to marry you and I responded so poorly. Both the guilt and the regret are flooding through me.”

“Regret about starting a relationship with me?” Negan wondered and she immediately shook her head.

“That I didn’t say yes,” she stated having a hard time looking at Negan. It didn’t last long because Negan was caressing over the side of her face leading her to look up at him. “You’re everything I want.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Negan questioned with a frown having her lean in to rest her head against the center of his chest. Stroking his fingers over her shoulders, Negan allowed her the moment to calm herself.

“Everything else. For so long I’ve put everyone else above my needs. Being with you? I’d finally get everything I dreamt of growing up. You can give me that life,” she thought aloud, tipping her head back slightly to look up at him with worry in her eyes. “But I haven’t been that person for almost twenty years Negan. I never deserved that life and what I’m meant to do is help those that are here.”

“Don’t you think it’s time that you even it out? Be there for those you love, but also allow yourself things that can make you happy?” Negan reasoned with her, knowing that she was being too hard on herself. “I don’t think it’s bad to want good things for yourself.”

Taking a moment to consider things, Negan sighed loudly and bit down on his bottom lip, “I know that he might think it’s weird, but this poly relationship thing? Joel might have a hard time with us being married at first, but I think if we work on it, this whole thing will be fine. Obviously, the three of us can’t all be married, but we can get him a ring, like a promise for the three of us. I don’t care what other people think about it and neither should you or Joel.”

“Have you seen the way people already talk about me on the internet?” she blurt out followed by Negan’s nose wrinkling and he snorted. These were all things that sounded nice, but she did know that Joel was right in the past. A lot of people would judge them for their decisions. “It’s not funny.”

“Have you seen the way the people on the internet talk about me?” Negan shot back, his eyebrows arching up when he shook his head firmly. “The internet is a cesspool of nasty people who thrive on negativity. They are so miserable in their own lives that they want to attack others to lift themselves up. I wouldn’t let anything on the internet bother you.”

“People think I’m using you and in a sense I feel like I am,” she claimed getting an eye roll from Negan. But these were things she let weigh heavy on her after she started thinking about them. “You’ve done so much for me Negan and what have I done for you?”

“If you think you have done nothing for me, you’re insane,” Negan retorted, cupping her face in his hands again. “Look at me,” Negan persuaded her to keep her eyes locked on his. There was a sadness in her features that made a sharp breath fall from his throat. “You mean everything to me. I went from being a man without reason and now, I realize why I’m still here. Why I couldn’t go through with ending things. I felt empty before we found each other again and now I don’t feel so broken.”

“But I broke your heart by not saying yes and I know that’s true,” she pushed the subject having Negan exhale loudly. “Don’t lie. You never lied before so don’t lie now.”

“Of course I’m disappointed. I love you, but in loving you I have to allow you to decide what is good and not good for you,” Negan reasoned out loud and she felt like this was something that he probably said to himself that night. “I love you and in loving you I want what’s best for you. You can’t make me happy by saying yes if it’s going to make you miserable. I don’t want that. I want you happy.”

“That’s the thing Negan, you make me happy,” she reasoned with him, caressing up over his chest and over the side of his neck. “I don’t doubt that with you I’m happy, it’s just I worry about the children and Joel has just been acting so…different.”

“Meaning?” Negan’s eyebrow arched in curiosity with her letting out a long exhale.

“Meaning he swears he doesn’t mind the three of us being together, but he wants me to be married to him and not you. You both don’t mind this poly relationship, but you both want to be married to me,” she informed Negan who scoffed, looking down while shaking his head. “You’re not happy with that?”

“I’m not surprised by that,” Negan replied back with a snort and she let out a tense breath. One thing she wanted to be was honest with Negan. Since that’s what he was with her. “I know you love him too, so it makes things hard.”

“I can see that you’re upset,” she frowned and it had Negan tipping his head from side to side. “That’s why I tried to talk about the relationship between the three of us last night. I needed to know that you were all okay with it, but I feel like we’re not.”

“We’re okay with it, but we both want to be married to you while we’re doing it,” Negan repeated what he had learned, his chest aching at the idea of it. “Listen? I meant what I said. I’m good with the three of us being together. I want to make him happy just like I want to make you happy. I feel things deeply for Joel. Things that can grow into love. Right now? I love him. But I don’t love him like I love you. I don’t think it should be hard for him to have you married to me while we’re together though.”

“I think it’s going to be hard regardless because one of you is going to feel like you lost out,” she reasoned with a frown. “I don’t think I’m this big prize that both you and Joel seem to think I am. Because I’m not.”

“Then you’re blind to things,” Negan scoffed, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. “Listen, I don’t want to persuade you one way or another. I mean it when I say that I’m okay with this relationship being the three of us. And I will be open about it. And I won’t treat him bad because I want to progress these feelings that I have for Joel, but at the end of the day? I’d like to be married to you. If something happens to me, I want whatever I have to go to you and the kids.”

“Nothing is going to happen to you,” she hushed him, hating that the conversation was going in that direction. The topic was already heavy as it was.

“Regardless, I want you to do what you want to do,” Negan repeated what he had said many times. “If you want to marry me, marry me. If you want to marry him, marry him. You’re not losing me either way. As long as you want me? I’m not leaving. And I’m not upset by the idea of the three of us being together. A lot of people snub their nose at poly relationships and if I’m in one, I won’t hide it. I’ll support both you and him equally. I want you to travel and live your life. I want him to start singing and him to live his dreams too.”

“You’re too good to me,” she hinted to Negan with him lowering down to nuzzle his nose in against hers. It had a sharp breath escaping her lips and she closed her eyes. “I love you, so much.”

“I love you too,” Negan whispered, his hands caressing at the sides of her face. “My biggest mistake was not fighting hard enough for you when we were younger. I just let Joel win. And that’s why we are in this position right now. I gave up and I should have never done that.”

“I still blame myself for back then. You were devoted, sweet and everything that I could ever dream for, but my heart was set on Joel,” she realized the mistake that she made when she was a teenager with Joel and Negan. There was something in Negan’s eyes where he looked uncomfortable and she was curious where that was headed. “What? What is it?”

“I just want you to be most comfortable with whatever it is you decide between me and him,” Negan had taken a long time to consider what it was that he wanted to say. “If you think you trust him more than me…”

“It’s not about that, you I trust more than anyone,” she hushed him sliding her hands up over his shoulders. Hooking her arms loosely around them, she tipped up to faintly kiss at his bottom lip. It had his long eyelashes fluttering to a close and she realized that the hot water was starting to just get warm nearing cold. “You make me the happiest other than my children. I just worry that I won’t be the woman that makes you as happy as you make me.”

“That’s fucking silly,” Negan hushed her, pressing another kiss to her lips. “Because you already make me the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.”

“I don’t know why,” she whispered, having him lower down to bring their lips together again in a passionate sweep. Wrapping her up in his arms, Negan held her close and she felt safe. Comfortable. The most relaxed she had all day. “I’ve fucked up so much.”

“How?” Negan was still unaware of why she was being so hard on herself for everything. Parts of it, he understood. But to this extent? Not really.

“I feel like I’m forcing you into things. And him too. You both tell me that you’re comfortable with the three of us together, but both of you want me to marry you…” she rambled out loud and Negan smirked and shook his head.

“I am okay with the three of us together,” Negan declared, sweeping his thumb across her bottom lip. “You’re not forcing anything. And you aren’t with him either. So don’t go thinking that.”

“But with you asking me to marry you,” she began and he hushed her to get her to focus on him and not her fears again.

“I love you,” Negan whispered in her ear, depositing another faint kiss there. “That’s all that matters to me. So please, for your Christmas with your family, allow yourself to have a good day. Stop worrying about me. Stop worrying about Joel and enjoy your day. Things can work themselves out tomorrow. Okay? But today, just relax and let it be Christmas.”

“Yes sir,” she gave him a weak smile, accepting another quick kiss from him. Welcoming another hug, she let this one last longer than it probably should have.

They finished with their shower and then got ready for their Christmas get together. Even though it was a small group of people, they dressed nicely. It was Christmas, sometimes it was okay to make an event out of things.

Negan’s mother was the first person to arrive because she had gifts for the children that Negan helped her carry in to put around the tree. Pretty quickly it was obvious that Negan’s mother was hopping into the role of a grandparent for them because she had gotten them quite a bit as well. They were no question pampered this year with all the people giving them gifts.

Rosita, Siddiq and Coco were the next to arrive. And they were there for a while before Joel showed up with the children along with Tommy and Maria. When they arrived, she was surprised how relaxed everything seemed to be. Joel hugged Negan when he came in and then kissed her on the cheek. There wasn’t as much tension as she had been expecting between them. Tommy explained to them that he was to blame for them being later because they had gone to Maria’s family brunch beforehand.

Everyone mingled for a little while before they decided to go straight to opening Christmas gifts. Dinner was still cooking in the oven and she was pretty sure that the children were excited to see everything under the Christmas tree. Even though they were teenagers, they still had their youth to them when it came to gifts.

This is where she got to take the time to take photos of everyone like Negan had told her she should do. What was nice was how well Negan and Joel were interacting. Both of them were sitting on the floor with Peter and Elizabeth by the tree helping them pass out the gifts that were there. Surprisingly, if Joel was jealous about the gifts that the children got, he didn’t make a big deal about it. Instead he would show the same excited energy they would when showing him things. And it was a nice thing to see.

After all the presents were opened, Peter and Negan were sitting in front of the television playing one of the games that Negan had gotten for him. Elizabeth was sitting and talking with everyone else. But Joel? He was alone standing over by the fireplace gazing upon the photos that were over the mantle.

“Hey,” she whispered, moving in beside him having Joel gaze over his shoulder to give her a weak smile. Curling her fingers around his wrist, she urged him to turn toward her until her fingers hooked with his. “Your gift is somewhere else. Follow me.”

Leading Joel up the stairs toward the attic, this was when she took notice of the fact that Joel was more casually dressed than everyone else tonight. He was in a pair of work boots, jeans and a plaid button down with a white t-shirt underneath. It was a typical Joel Miller look. Truthfully, it’s what she expected from him.

“Is your gift a quickie or…?” Joel teased with a tip of his head, a tiny snort escaping his throat when they reached the ladder of the attic. A firm shove to his shoulder made him snicker, but he bowed before her. “Ladies first.”

“Don’t stare up my dress,” she ordered causing him to eye over her body.

“I wasn’t going to do that, but then you mentioned it and now I’m going to,” Joel announced with her glaring down at him after she already started to climb up the ladder. “Don’t give me that look. I like what’s underneath that dress, so it would be hard for me not to look.”

“I don’t know what I expected,” she continued up the ladder, being careful in pulling herself up. Waiting for Joel at the top, she felt nervous in the moment. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea for her to have pulled Joel away from the rest of the group. Once Joel got up into the attic, he motioned her to wait and turned on the string lights that he had hung for her giving it more of a Christmas feel. There was a silence that fell over them when he stepped before her rubbing his hands together. When she said nothing, his eyebrows bounced up in amusement. “Oh! Right. Your gift.”

Throwing her finger up, she headed over toward his gift to grab it, “I put it up here so it didn’t get damaged. I wanted to keep it safe and people were less likely to fuck with it up here.”

“Damn, so it really was a gift. I was hoping it would be a blowjob or a quickie of some kind for real,” Joel snickered when she returned, giving him another frustrated glance. “Hey! You can’t blame a guy for trying. I worked really hard to make you that nook and we’ve yet to have sex there. I think I deserve a good romp under the stars for doing all of that.”

“Are you Joel or Negan right now?” she couldn’t help but laugh at what he was saying having Joel dramatically shrug. They both laughed as he accepted the gift that she was holding out toward him. Starting to open it, Joel swallowed down hard when he saw the oversized canvas of him with a young Elizabeth and a freshly newborn Peter in the hospital. “I knew that was one of your favorite photos when we were together. I got that done since you have that free space over the fireplace that you kept complaining about every time I’d come over in the past.”

“Tommy actually got me a painting of a ranch that has horses on it. He gave me it for my birthday and we stuck it up there,” Joel explained to her and it immediately had the color draining from her face. Stammering, Joel held his hand up and shook his head. Well shit, there he went again making her feel like her gift wasn’t any good. “This is perfect though. I’m going to make sure to move that and put this up there instead. I’ll put the other painting in my room.”

“You don’t have to do that,” she frowned, standing before Joel with an uneasiness in her body. “I just knew you always liked that photo and I guess I should have gotten a more recent photo of all of you, but it was one of the last times I knew you were genuinely happy and…”

“I love it,” Joel assured her, clinging tightly to the gift giving her a firm nod. “It’s perfect.”

There was the silence again. Awkwardly, Joel pulled his stare from her and lowered it down to gaze over the canvas that she had done, “Why did you pick something that didn’t have you in it?”

“For obvious reasons,” she whispered, surprised that was his first question. “I had it done before everything happened. I didn’t even know you had broken up with Tess by the time I ordered it. So, I was just trying to think of something I thought you would like.”

“You went out and had this done for me when you thought I was still with Tess?” Joel repeated noticing that she gave him a weird expression.

“I’ve always given you gifts for Christmas Joel. Even when we weren’t together,” she noted, folding her arms in front of her chest. Had he really forgotten all the things she had done for him even when they were divorced? She never forgot his birthday or Christmas.

“Did you give him the gift?” Peter’s voice called out from the ladder making the both of them jump. Somehow Peter had managed to be incredibly quiet making his way up there. When he saw his father holding onto the canvas, Peter gave a big cheesy smile. “I told mom you’d like it!”

“Yeah, I love it,” Joel lifted it to show Peter the photo. “This was the last time you weren’t such a pain in the butt.”

“Haha, so funny,” Peter moved in beside Joel having his father wrap his arm around his shoulders. Patting his father on the abdomen had Joel grunting and Peter nodded toward Y/N. “So, what’d you get mom? Or did you not give it to her yet?”

“I…uh…” Joel’s face went red, his brown eyes looking her over. Releasing Peter, Joel set the canvas down letting it rest against the wall. Shoving his hands into his pockets, Joel looked around the finished attic. “This was supposed to be her Christmas gift buddy. I spent a pretty penny on it.”

“Oh,” Peter muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets and giving a simple shrug. What was interesting was how much what he did just mirrored his father. “That’s cool I guess. A little lame considering it’s Christmas. People want things that they can open.”

“Hey,” Y/N hushed Peter, shaking her head not wanting Joel to feel bad about the whole thing. 

Silence followed before Peter pointed down toward the ladder again, “We should go have dinner! My stomach is rumbling. It smells like the turkey is about to be done.”

“I’ll come check it in a minute,” Y/N assured her son who gave another nod. Realizing that Peter came up here to remind her of the rather large dinner that he was desperate to get his hands on. Y/N looked to Joel who was still eyeballing the gift she gave him. “Sorry it’s not something better.”

“No, I like it,” Joel held his hand up to suggest that it was fine, but she still felt a little silly. Pushing his hands into his pockets, Joel rocked back and forth on his feet. Both Negan and Joel’s gifts felt good at the time she was getting them, but now she felt very self-conscious about the both of them. “I should have gotten you a Christmas gift.”

“Like you said, this was more than enough,” she circled her finger in the air toward the area that surrounded them. Then it made her think about something. Negan wanted to buy that house that was their dreamhouse when they were children if they stayed in this town. Joel had just spent so much time fixing up the attic that she had asked him for. The one thing she wanted so badly when they lived here for quite some years. Joel would be furious with her if she told him that. “Thanks Joel.”

“You fell for that?” Joel scoffed with her heading back toward the ladder to leave the attic. “After everything? You think I didn’t learn anything?”

“Come again?” she didn’t know where Joel was headed with things as he motioned her to move away from the opening in the floor.

“I obviously have a gift for you,” Joel replied, biting down on his bottom lip. Reaching for something from his pocket, Joel pulled out a small box that was there. Suddenly she felt panicked seeing it. “I fucked up in the past when I didn’t get you a gift for our anniversary other than those flowers. You wanted me to show that I’ve learned and that I’m growing as a person,” Joel rambled urging her to turn around for him. “Close your eyes.”

“Joel?” she hoped to God that it wasn’t a ring considering everything that had been going on. Huffing, he spun his finger in a circle asking her to turn around. So she did what he asked of her. Turned away and closed her eyes. Hearing him fumbling, she was thankful when she felt something cool resting at the center of her chest. After Joel was done, he placed a delicate kiss over the side of her neck.

“Now you can look,” Joel instructed and when he heard the sound she made, he realized that she must have seen it.

“You found it?” she turned on her heel to look back at Joel who gave her a weak smile but shook his head. Between her fingers she was holding onto the gift he had given her. “How then? It looks exactly like the old one.”

“Just with newer materials,” Joel reasoned with her while she gazed upon the locket that he had personally made for her. “I found a photo of you wearing it. So I did what I could to make you a new one. I put the same photos in it…”

The locket was heart shaped with a compass engraved on the front. There were a few jewels of some kind that were red in the design. Opening the locket, she gazed upon the photo on the left side that was of her with Joel and Elizabeth. On the right was a photo of all of them with Peter. Smirking, she stroked her thumb in over the locket and felt tears burning at her eyes.

For the longest time, the original just had the one photo with Elizabeth, but when they had Peter, she had gotten another photo added to it. The original had been one of her favorite gifts, but she had unfortunately lost it at a school function that they had on the beach with Elizabeth when she was younger. It wasn’t until she had gotten home that she realized that she had lost it. At the time she assumed the clasp must have broken. She was so heartbroken that when Joel came home that night, he immediately went to the beach and crawled around in the sand looking for it. But he never found it. No matter how long they looked for it. And that was something that had devastated her because it was a gift that had been given to her when they really didn’t have much money as a family.

“It looks like the original,” she pointed out, her eyes tearing over. Lifting her head up, she knew that Joel was proud of his gift. Lowering the locket back down, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Joel’s shoulders. “Thank you. This was very sweet.”

“Of course,” Joel pressed a faint kiss over her cheek. When she pulled away it looked like he wanted to say something else, but instead he led her over toward the ladder. Made sure that he got down first before helping her get down safely.

Peter was right, dinner was ready and Negan had already started preparing everything for her with her gone. So she helped him finish, putting out the food allowing people to plate what they wanted before heading into the dining room.

Y/N was seated at the end of the table. On her right was Negan and on her left was Elizabeth. Joel was between both Elizabeth and Peter. Tommy was on the other end with both Maria and Siddiq deep in conversation. People seemed to really enjoy talking and there were a lot of compliments about her food she made with Negan. Everyone was pretty loud while they talked which meant they were enjoying themselves.

“So where’s your ring?” Elizabeth blurt out when there was a moment of silence, getting her mother’s attention. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Negan had gone pale with him shaking his head. It was in that moment she realized that she hadn’t told her daughter that she didn’t accept Negan’s proposal. Part of her thought Joel would have told her when he got home today, but he obviously hadn’t. Everyone’s attention was now on them with her feeling suddenly on the spot. “You should tell us about everything. All the details. What it was like.”

“What ring?” Peter blurt out with a mouthful of food, his dark eyes looking between his mother and Negan. Neither one of them spoke since they both equally had no idea what to say. “What’s she talking about?”

“Negan asked mom to marry him,” Elizabeth explained before they could say anything. A loud choking sound fell from Negan with him patting at his chest. Rosita let out a sound of awe visibly thinking that they were officially engaged. Tommy started talking about it to Maria who was eager to congratulate them. “It was really cute. He had me help him set up this video of all these small clips of him and mom from when they were younger. We got all of these rose pedals and set it up so that when he asked her to marry him they would fall down from the ceiling. It was at a skating rink where I guess they had their first kiss as children.”

“Goddamn girl, you need to show us your ring,” Rosita expressed her wow over hearing what Elizabeth had just told them. Looking to Siddiq, she swatted at his shoulder and huffed. “You could have been way more romantic when you asked me.”

“Congrats you two,” Tommy’s southern drawl came out from across the table. It had Joel looking down at his plate poking at his food. There was an irritation growing in Joel and she could tell that he didn’t like everyone being so happy at the idea of her with Negan. “Are you two getting married on New Years like Negan wanted to do?”

“You knew Negan was going to ask her to marry him?” Joel snapped, his head lifting immediately to stare at his brother. Dropping his fork that was in his hand made a loud clinking sound fill the room with everyone at the table going silent.

“Yeah, he talked to me about it in New York,” Tommy explained, swallowing down hard with the way that Joel was glaring at him. It was like he had deceived Joel in some fashion by not telling him about it.

“You wanted to get married on New Years?” Y/N whispered to Negan, surprised that it was his idea to get married so quickly. Instead of responding to her, Negan just looked down toward his lap and swallowed down hard.

“You two are getting married?” Peter blurt out with an amused rumble of a sound. Truthfully? Peter didn’t seem to upset at the idea of it. “So that means that my stepdad is going to be a professional baseball player?”

“Is that all that you care about?” Joel snapped at Peter which had everyone tense. The outrage confused Peter who slowly chewed what was in his mouth. “What happened to wanting your parents to get back together? I thought you would be upset at the idea.”

“Well, yeah, but after four years I didn’t think that would ever happen. I just…Negan is really cool,” Peter tried to explain to his father, shifting uncomfortably in his seat once he realized that Joel was upset about everything. “Having Negan around lately has been really fun. I just thought it would be cool to say my mom was married to Negan Smith.”

“Who is only going to be a baseball player for another year,” Joel reminded Peter and it made Negan laugh at the end of the table. There was a fire flooding through Joel’s veins when he looked to Negan who had his head lowered and he was pinching at the bridge of his nose. “Is something funny?”

“No, nothing is funny,” Negan stammered, not even bothering to lift his head to look at Joel. “I just feel like whenever we make progress, something happens that knocks it back down. It’s like you can’t help but throw in a diss every chance you get. It doesn’t matter how nice I am to you. What I do for you. Or how you feel about me, you just always have to make a smart remark about how I’m not as good or as perfect as people think I am.”

“I’m only speaking the truth,” Joel countered, throwing his hands up in the air and he could tell that he made everyone uncomfortable with his outburst. “You are only going to be a professional ball player for another year. It’s only a year’s worth of bragging. Because let’s be honest, once you retire, no one is going to give a fuck.”

“Joel,” Tommy spoke up, his expression showing that he was embarrassed at his older brother’s response to things. “Maybe now isn’t the time to act like this.”

“I’m not taking away from their special moment,” Joel claimed, placing his hand in over the center of his chest and pointing the other one toward Y/N and Negan. “She didn’t even say yes to him anyways. They aren’t engaged.”

“Negan?” his mother looked to him and it was clear that Negan hadn’t even told his own mother that she didn’t say yes.

“You didn’t?” Elizabeth was shocked to hear that very thing because she was almost certain that her mother would have told Negan yes. At this point, Y/N looked completely overwhelmed and she wasn’t looking at anyone. “Why?”

“Because she doesn’t want to be with him,” Joel snorted as if it was an obvious answer. It had Negan pushing his chair back and getting up from the table. Tossing his napkin down on the table, Negan walked out of the dining room and left an uncomfortable silence amongst them all. “What?”

“Nice,” Y/N breathed out, getting up from the table to follow Negan which left Joel alone with everyone that was there.

“Was that necessary?” Tommy grunted under his breath realizing that Joel seemed to be entirely focused on Y/N leaving the dining room. “You should be happy for them. If it gives her the chance at happiness…”

“You know, I think I saw some great looking desserts in the kitchen,” Maria announced getting up from the table and moving over toward Peter and Elizabeth to place her hand in over their shoulders. “How about the two of you take me in the kitchen and we could look at what we might want. What do you say?”

----

“Negan,” Y/N called out moving into the backyard to see that he was standing at the corner of her deck. It was snowing and the Christmas lights that she had hanging out there were the only things that were illuminating over him. Moving in beside him, she pressed her hand in over his shoulder to give it a firm squeeze. “You have to ignore him, he has no idea how to keep his mouth shut sometimes.”

“That’s me, not Joel,” Negan corrected her giving a firm shake of his head, letting out a tense breath. “I’m the one that can’t keep my mouth shut. Joel was the quiet brooding one. Yet, when he gets the chance to attack me, he can’t help but do it. What did the two of you talk about when I was sleeping last night?”

“What does…” she paused to consider what he was asking her. “I don’t understand why you are asking me that. I told you that he mentioned that I should be married to him and not you. Elizabeth had told him about the proposal. He came over while you were sleeping. Elizabeth was worried that she hadn’t heard back from me…”

“And you told him that you didn’t want to be with me?” Negan was attempting to put two and two together. 

“No, that’s not what I told him,” she denied that thought immediately, throwing her hands up in the air hoping to get him to realize that she meant what she said. “We bickered. I told you, I’m just confused about all of this Negan. We all had that conversation last night because I thought we should take time focusing on the three of us first. Then working everything else out.”

“I honestly don’t understand why you’re so fucking upset,” Joel interrupted the two of them moving in behind them. It had them looking back at Joel who had his hands shoved into his pockets. “The whole idea of the conversation last night was to talk about the three of us being together. Yet you’re still so fucking focused on her being married to you. So what if she doesn’t want to be married to you? She doesn’t want to be married to me either.”

“I’m not doing this,” Negan forced himself to look away from Joel shaking his head and bracing his hands at the side of the deck. “I’m not fighting with you again. There is no sense to it.”

“Well, now that we’re talking about the whole marriage thing, I’m a little fucking surprised you never told me when the two of us were hooking up that you were going to ask my ex-wife to marry you,” Joel snapped, his jaw flexing in frustration. “That was something that you should have brought up to me.”

“It was none of your business,” Negan muttered under his breath, the vein at the side of his neck bulging.

“Joel, now is not the time,” she begged of Joel, holding her hands up in the air to try to keep him from talking any further about things.

“No, I think this is something that does need to be talked about because it was just something that was pushed under the rug,” Joel stepped forward, shrugging his shoulders as he spoke. “We talked about this trio relationship between us, but I’m not asked if I’m okay with him proposing to you? If we’re supposed to be equals in this relationship, don’t you think I have a fucking say? Shouldn’t I have been asked in the first place.”

“Alright, if you want to go there,” Negan turned, bracing his back when he turned to face Joel and Y/N. “Why do you talk about me like I’m a piece of shit? You can’t help but diss me every chance you can. Even in front of the children. Was what you just said necessary? Downplaying my importance to the game.”

“I’m just letting my kid know that if the only reason he wants you to be his stepfather is because you’re a fucking baseball player that he’s going to be highly disappointed because it won’t last long,” Joel defended himself knowing that it was the jealousy of his son being excited at the idea of Negan being married to Y/N that provoked him to say that. “You’re nothing after that.” 

“Oh, fuck you,” Negan snarled knowing that Joel was still attempting to make him feel bad. “You really have a dick up your ass, y’know that?”

An uncomfortable breath fell from Joel’s throat and it made Negan laugh, “Never mind. You’re actually easier to be around when you do have a dick up your ass.”

“Don’t say shit like that around my family,” Joel warned Negan, pulling his right hand out from his pocket to point directly at Negan.

“Yeah, because big bad Joel couldn’t handle his family knowing that he likes both men and women, right?” Negan snapped at Joel, his eyes rolling dramatically and his head bobbing about almost in a mocking way. “Y’know, I think if you actually took time to start accepting yourself for who you are, you might not be such an asshole and you might start to actually like yourself.”

“Joel, go back inside,” Y/N begged of Joel, frustrated that he even followed her out here in the first place. “Please.”

“No, you know what,” Joel urged Y/N to step aside when he moved before Negan. “Yeah, you’re right. I should be able to open myself up to the idea of my children knowing who I am. But I have a question for you. Since we’re going back and forth. Did you ever think that maybe you were overstepping when you asked my wife to marry you? We both know that she didn’t say yes to you because she still loves me.”

“Ex-wife. And everyone knows that she loves you, but it doesn’t mean she wants to be with you Joel,” Negan stammered, his voice showing hurt. “She doesn’t know what she wants because you keep fucking with her head.”

“Or maybe she just actually loves me and you’re the one fucking with her head,” Joel retorted, the top of his nose wrinkling when he stepped in closer to Negan. “Everything was fucking fine until you came back Negan.”

“Was it? Because she was fucking miserable,” Negan snarled at Joel, the lines in his forehead growing with how angry Joel was making him. “Everyone fucking tells me how fucking sad she was before she started spending time with me again. You made her fucking miserable and she was sad. It took her finding me again to have some sense of happiness. It took me to give you happiness too Joel. If it wasn’t for me, she would still be furious with you about what she found on your fucking laptop. I’m the one that keeps telling her to give you a second chance because I understand that sometimes we make mistakes in our fucking life. I make the both of you happy. Without me…”

“Oh yeah? You make her happy?” Joel commented with a deep rumble of a southern drawl. Negan nodded and Y/N found herself wishing that this never was happening in the first place. “Then why the hell didn’t she tell you yes? If she loved you and she genuinely loved you, she would have told you yes when it came to marrying you. And you fucking know it.”

“Because of you and the children,” she screamed out getting both Negan and Joel to look back at her surprised that she finally erupted. “Goddamn it, stop poking at him and trying to hurt him all the time Joel. I love both of you. Negan understands that, why can’t you?”

“What do you mean me and the children?” Joel grumbled, giving his attention to her now. “It means that you love us and you want to be with us, right?”

“It means that right before Negan asked me to marry him, he offered me everything I’ve ever wanted. The life I always dreamt of when I was younger. They asked Negan to be the coach of the team after he retires. And with that deal? He managed to get me a deal with the team where I could be a journalist, take photos and travel the world with him and I’d be making a lot of money doing it too,” she informed Joel with a saddened breath, looking between both men. “And while it sounded nice and every part of me wants to accept it, I know I can’t because I have both Elizabeth and Peter here. They need me. I can’t be on the road all the time with Negan following him down to spring training and around the country for games when they have school. They need a mom. I can’t leave them. So while it would be nice to actually do the things that I always dreamt of, I know that I can’t because I have to put them above me. And then with you…”

She paused, Joel was listening intently with his brown eyes locked on her, “You are always going to be loved by me Joel. Negan isn’t wrong. I love the both of you very much. And I know that you have a lot of weight on your shoulders and sometimes I have to be here to help carry that weight when things go wrong. You count on me just as much as the children do.” 

“That’s why you told Negan no?” Joel stammered, confusion flooding his face.

“I don’t know,” she was honest with Joel, her face hot with embarrassment. “I don’t want to break your heart. And I don’t want to break his heart. But no matter the choice I make, I feel like I’m going to hurt someone and I don’t want to do that.”

“I can’t believe you,” Joel seemed disgusted with Negan when he returned his attention back to him. Stepping forward, he shoved firmly into Negan’s shoulders having him grunt. “You’re all pro this relationship, but you don’t tell me shit? You don’t respect me.”

“You weren’t my top priority at the time. I was working to get you the music deals,” Negan replied back doing his best to keep his hands down at his sides with how angry Joel was getting.

“You only did that because you wanted me to be satisfied with you trying to marry her and take her away from here,” Joel thought aloud causing Negan to smirk and shake his head. “What other reason would you have Negan?”

“Musicians fucking travel Joel. I thought whatever city we were in, we could get you a deal where you sang in that city. We’d bring the children with us,” Negan explained his thought process, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. “You know that you have people interested in working with you now because of everything. I can make your dreams happen, just like I can hers. But you both are so stuck within yourselves that you won’t allow me to give them to you.”

“And what am I supposed to do with my job that I already have?” Joel snapped at Negan who simply shrugged his shoulders. “You have an answer for everything.”

“Let Tommy run it. You’re the owner, but the owner isn’t always around,” Negan reasoned with him evoking a scoff from Joel. “And not to be an asshole Joel, but asking her to marry me, I didn’t need to ask your permission. You already had your chance with her being her husband. You shouldn’t have a problem with her being married to me because you’re not going to be left out.”

“I already had my chance?” Joel repeated what Negan said, his southern drawl sounding incredibly angry. “What makes you think she would be happier being married to you? The man who is actually known to physically cheat on his spouse? You’re not the man she should marry. It should be me because…”

“Yes, please tell me how much better you are for her than I am,” Negan dramatically threw his hands about, mocking Joel by adding a bit of an accent to his voice. “I offer you both the job of your dreams and I’m the fucking villain. Why? Because I asked her to marry me?”

“Please for the love of God stop,” she finally interrupted them, frustrated that they were still fighting over her. “If you two are so fucking desperate to be married, why don’t you two get married? I’ll be the third wheel. And I’ll happily take it. You two get married. I’ll support it!”

“No,” both of them muttered at the same time.

“I don’t know why you can’t just tell him that you want to be married to me while we’re together,” Joel reasoned with her, pointing between all of them. “I’m the love of your life. Not him. You said no to him because of how you feel about me.”

“I said no to him because I was emotional about the idea of the job, Joel. I didn’t think I could handle being away from my family that long. My family needed me. If he would have asked out of order, I don’t know what I would have told him,” she was honest having a hard time looking at Joel when she thought about the whole situation. “You’re all I’ve ever known Joel and it’s scary picturing a life with someone else. Away from everything you know. Everything you’ve grown used to.

“So you’re not saying yes to Negan or taking the job because of us?” Peter called out and it had both her and Joel turning nervously toward the back door shocked to see that both the children were standing there. “Mom, that’s silly.”

“We’re teenagers now. I’m going to be going to college soon,” Elizabeth informed her with a saddened breath, her dark eyes narrowing when she stepped forward. Negan had his head down and his hands were in his pockets with his breathing loud. “I know you, you’re still going to be a good mom wherever you are.”

“I don’t want you not to live your dream because of us,” Peter noted, shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head from side to side. “And I don’t care who you are married to. Whether it’s dad or Negan, I just want you happy.”

“We both want you happy,” Elizabeth repeated her brother’s sentiment, giving her mother a nod of approval and it was one of the first times that these two actually agreed on anything. “I didn’t think I would want you to be with anyone other than dad, but Negan makes you happy. And that’s what matters most to me. So if you make a decision, please don’t do it based off of us. We just want you happy.”

“I love you guys,” Y/N breathed out and it was obvious that she was crying by the way that she sounded. “But it’s a little bit harder than that.”

“Why?” Peter stammered, stepping forward to try to appeal to his mom. “We both know you’re a good mom. And if dad is getting calls about being a singer, why can’t you both be happy? Having us shouldn’t be the thing that holds you back from being happy. We’re both old enough to understand things. And we’d support you.”

“How much did you hear?” Joel breathed out having his chest aching when they looked to him.

“Enough to say that if you did what mom said, we’d support you too,” Elizabeth pointed between both Negan and Joel. “We don’t care who you like dad. We just want you happy too.”

“I’d still brag about you marrying Negan too,” Peter offered up with a simple shrug getting Negan to snicker at the idea of it. “I’d happily tell people my dad was married to Negan Smith. It wouldn’t embarrass me one bit. We love you and mom. And Negan is part of our family now too.”

“You raised us better than to care about those kind of things,” Elizabeth stepped in beside Joel who swallowed down hard with his daughter giving his upper arm a firm squeeze. “At the end of the day, we just want you guys to be happy. Pick what you want to do with your lives because it’s what you want. Not because you’re afraid of us being upset. Because we will be fine. We’ll make things work wherever we are.”

“I’d brag that my mom worked for the baseball team I loved. I’d brag that my dad was a singer. I’d also brag that my parents were both with Negan Smith. I don’t give a fuck,” Peter continued on having Y/N scoff behind him with the language. “Sorry mom. I’m just trying to make a point here. I know that men like men sometimes. I know that men like men and women sometimes. And all that stuff. I wasn’t raised to hate anyone. Nor do I care what anyone else thinks. Yeah, it’s complicated. But what isn’t in life?”

“That’s the most mature I think you’ve ever sounded,” Elizabeth teased her brother, placing her hand in over his shoulder. “We love all three of you. We don’t want you to keep fighting. We don’t. Whatever happens. We love you.”

There seemed to be tears in Joel’s eyes when he gave the children a firm nod, “Thank you two. It means a lot hearing that and one day, I will talk to the both of you, but right now I think the three of us need some privacy to finish things up here. Okay?”

“Just let me leave you with this,” Elizabeth started, waving her hand about in the air between all three of them. “If I was stuck in a position where I had the chance to have everything I ever wanted, you and dad would tell me to do it. Because you want what’s best for me. Well neither of you have your parents here to tell you that it’s okay. So listen to me and Peter then. It’s okay. We’ll be okay. Do what makes you happy. Because we’re along for the ride no matter what.”

There was a broken breath that fell from Joel as Y/N stepped forward to wrap Elizabeth up in her arms to give her a big hug. Pressing a kiss against her temple, Y/N turned to do the same thing with Peter before ushering them back into the house after telling them she loved them.

“See,” Negan spoke up from behind them. “It’s not as hard as either of you think it is. No one is going to care if you’re married to me or if you take those jobs because…”

“Oh would you get off it with the married thing,” Joel erupted on Negan, turning on his heel to point out at him again. “If anyone deserved to be married to her it’s me.”

“You guys are never going to stop, are you?” she breathed out having both Negan and Joel look to her. “No matter what I say? You’re just going to fight over me?”

“Well I think we deserve to know which one you’re going to pick,” Joel pointed between the both of them having Negan swallow down hard. “One of us should be able to be your husband and the other one just needs to fucking deal.”

“I’m not doing this right now,” she frowned visibly upset, turning on her heel to leave.

Outstretching his hand, Joel curled his fingers around her wrist to try to stop her from leaving. That wasn’t exactly the answer that Joel wanted to hear, but she wasn’t going to give him anything more. Tugging her wrist away, she went back into the house and left both of them alone outside.

Everyone pretended like those last few minutes at the table didn’t happen, but there was still a weird tension in the air for everyone. By the end of the night when everyone was leaving and thanking Y/N, Joel knew that he wanted to continue their conversation in some fashion. So Joel asked Tommy and Maria to take the children home. Which left Negan sitting on the left end of the couch and Joel sitting on the right leaving the middle open.

Negan’s head was lowered, his fingers hooked together when Y/N closed the door behind her after the final guest left. Joel was watching her realizing that she let out an overwhelmed sound when she faced them, “Well I’m not going to have a peaceful night, am I?”

“I don’t think you mean what you said earlier,” Joel stressed to her, shaking his head firmly. “If the life you wanted was the life that Negan offered you, you would have said yes. But I think the life you want is the life that you had with me. When we were happy.”

“We all agreed on this relationship between the three of us,” she reminded them stepping before them on the couch, her arms folding in front of her chest.

“I am okay with it being the three of us,” Negan slid back further on the couch, his hazel eyes finally meeting hers with a simple shrug. “I’ve never changed my mind on that.”

“It’s not that I have a problem with that,” Joel declared waving his hand between the three of them.

“Obviously, since you don’t mind having sex with him,” she pointed out toward Negan who was smirking drawing attention to his prominent dimples. Joel’s face flushed over with heat and he forced himself to look away from them. “So why do I have to pick one or the other?”

“We both want to be your primary lover,” Joel commented, pulling himself to the edge of the couch. His brow line was incredibly expressive with the way his chocolate brown eyes were staring up at her. “I want you to be married to me and he wants you to be married to him. And I don’t care who has sex with who. The poly relationship is perfectly fine with me. I just want you to be married to me.”

“You do realize how fucking ridiculous this sounds, right?” Negan scoffed, finally turning his head to look at Joel. “You had four years to get her back, but you want her to marry you now because I want her to marry me.”

“Don’t use that against me,” Joel grunted, his angered stare meeting Negan’s. “You weren’t here those four years, so you don’t know, but the two of us kept having a relationship in certain ways while you weren’t here. We had sex plenty of times while we were separated and divorced.”

“Sex isn’t like being in a relationship. There is sex and there is being together,” Negan countered, his jaw flexing and his eyes narrowing in frustration. “You had your chance Joel and you fucked it up.”

“And you deserve one why? Just because you came in and for a few weeks made her content?” Joel snapped back, his posture growing rigid with the accusation that Negan threw out at him. “Relationships can’t be determined from just a few weeks. We’ve been together almost twenty years. You two have dated a few weeks and suddenly you think she is the love of your life. You’re just looking for a rebound from Lucille.”

“Watch what you say or you’re gonna get knocked on your ass again,” Negan warned with a scowl, having Joel dramatically bob his head about.

“I’d like to see you fucking try,” Joel shot back and it had Y/N groaning out heading over to the coffee table to sit down. Burying her head into her hands had both men’s attention returning to her instead of fighting about things.

“You both like each other so you both need to shut up. For the love of God,” she pled, dragging her hand down over her face. Staring at Joel, she raised her left hand and pointed to Negan. “This man has been nothing but nice when it comes to you telling me over and over again that if I want to be with you he would understand. He’s your biggest defender and you treat him like shit.”

“I…” Joel looked to Negan who grumbled something under his breath and turned to look away from Joel.

“And you! Obviously he likes you because you guys have had sex multiple times now, right?” she confirmed with Negan who nodded once to give her the answer she wanted. “So why does it matter who I’m official with? Because you two like each other too.”

“I know it seems stupid, but being married to you means a lot…” Joel described how he felt about things and he shifted in his position. Right now he felt uncomfortably warm with the attention on him. “And I think instead of dragging us along you should give us an answer so we don’t have to wonder who you want to be with. I mean, there is the whole poly thing, but who do you want to be married to?”

“Did you ever think that maybe I don’t want to be married to anyone?” she brought up a good question that honestly? Neither one of them took into consideration. “Did you think that maybe I just want to enjoy a relationship with both of you because I enjoy it? That I’m comfortable with how things were.”

“Is that true?” Negan was the one to speak up this time and it surprised her because it was an answer that she was originally giving for Joel who was so insistent upon the marriage thing. “So does that mean you aren’t reconsidering the whole marriage thing?”

“I’m considering a lot of things,” she frowned when she realized that they were both deep in this even though Negan was the quieter one. “You both are putting me in a hard position here.”

“Is it really that hard of a position to pick which one of us that you would rather be married to?” Joel stammered, placing his hand in over the center of his chest.

“If you don’t want to be married to me, it’s okay,” Negan suggested trying to find the right words to say to make her feel better about everything.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be married to you,” she stated followed by a long sigh. “I just don’t know. I really don’t.”

“Well, I love you so fucking much and I just want you happy,” Negan reasoned with her, throwing his hands up. Negan’s words were broken and there wasn’t much confidence in them when he said it. “I really do and if I’m making you unhappy…”

“Dear God, stop,” Joel snarled at Negan, “we both know that you care. You care so fucking much about this and you want an answer just as much as I do.”

“This isn’t the kind of thing I can just have an answer for immediately,” she reasoned with both of them looking between Negan’s hazel eyes and Joel’s brown eyes. They were both hopeful and it killed her that it was getting to this. “So if you both expect me to give you some kind of answer right now and there is no other option?”

She paused, her voice breaking when she started talking again, “Then I don’t want either of you. I won’t get married to either one of you. I love you both so fucking much. And if I pick? I’m breaking both of your hearts. Either way, I’m hurting one of you. And I refuse to do that. I won’t do it.”

Both of them seemed upset hearing that and she was definitely getting emotional at this point, “I’m going to need the both of you to leave right now.”

“Leave?” Joel repeated, standing up from the couch and having her move away from him.

“Why do I have to leave?” Negan blurt out, placing his hand in over the center of his chest. “What did I do?”

“You both are putting a lot of stress on me to make really hard decisions and I want you both gone,” she threw her hands up not wanting to put up with this anymore tonight. “I can’t do this. I gave you both my answer. And that’s it.”

“What am I doing? I’ve been supportive about everything,” Negan stammered, standing up from the couch to reach out for her, but she pulled her hands from him. “Y/N?”

“I need time alone right now,” she explained with a frown, not wanting to be near anyone with how everything was turning out. “You want me to make decisions, he wants answers! I need to be alone so I can think about things because this shit is hard enough.”

“What decisions?” Negan asked visibly upset that she was tossing him out of the home too.

“You want me to make up my mind about the job. I know you do. And then there is the marriage proposal and the house…” she listed off the things that he had done over the last few days. “It’s a lot to think about and then he comes in demanding that I pick him or you…even though you both swear that a poly relationship is fine. You both want answers and I need time alone.”

“Everything I’ve done for you is to better your life,” Negan defended himself hearing the sound of Joel moving behind him. “I’m not trying to stress you out or make you uncomfortable. I just want you happy. I love you.”

“I know you love me Negan, but it’s a lot to ask a mom of two to just pick up and run away with you for the whole baseball season when they need me,” she reminded Negan of how she felt about everything. “And while it’s a great opportunity…”

“You heard the children earlier, they just want you happy,” Negan recalled what he had heard both Elizabeth and Peter say. Feeling Joel’s hand placing in over his shoulder to get him to move had Negan grunting. Turning, Negan shoved his hands into the center of Joel’s chest to get him to back up. “Don’t touch me Joel.”

“She wants us to leave,” Joel stressed, but Negan’s face was turning red since Joel was now pushing for them leaving because of ulterior motives. “So what? It’s okay for me to leave, but when she asks you to leave it’s not okay?”

“You’re fucking up everything!” Negan’s voice raised, rage flooding his hazel eyes with Joel trying to shove him toward the door again. “Everything was fine until you got so fucking jealous about everything. You’re okay as long as you’re the center of attention. And you’re driving me fucking nuts. I’ve done nothing but be fucking kind to you because I like you and all you have done is thrown me under the fucking bus at every turn. So now that I’m offering her something amazing in life, she thinks it’s a bad thing because you’re here to constantly put your fucking claws into her. You know that she loves you and rightfully so because you are the father to her children, but you only want her happy as long as it’s with you and I’m the background character in your love story. That’s the only way you want her happy. I actually do want her fucking happy. That is the difference between you and me. You care about Joel Miller, I care about her. Not me. You’re so fucking greedy.”

“Greedy?” Joel repeated what Negan called him, moving forward to shove Negan harder this time. “I’m fucking greedy? I gave up everything for everyone else. So don’t you fucking go around telling me I’m greedy.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Negan grunted through another few of Joel’s shoves. “I’m talking about now, I’m talking about…”

“You got to run away from everything and you think that just coming back here makes it all okay,” Joel reminded Negan of what he had done when they were younger. “If you loved her as much as you fucking swore back then, you would have fought for her. Instead you found Lucille and you ran away because she didn’t mean to you what you thought she did. I’ve been here through everything. The good, the bad…I’m the man that has been a constant in her life…”

“Knock it off before you both start throwing fists again!” she warned them, moving between the two of them to get them separated. “There is so much testosterone between the two of you and it’s going to be another fucking war when you both care about each other. So please! Just stop it!”

“I know you feel like I abandoned you too when I left even though you forced me away,” Negan appealed to Joel with Y/N keeping her hands pressed in over the center of his chest to keep them separated. “You needed your friend when your parents died and I dropped the ball. I should have been here to help you with Tommy just like I did when we were younger, but I was angry. I was so fucking angry Joel, but I am trying to make up for that mistake. Just give me a fucking chance. I love her so fucking much and she makes me happy. For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like I’m alone…”

Sighing loudly, Joel felt a strange array of emotions flooding over him after Negan’s outburst, “I understand that Negan, but I love her too. I just fucked up, but there is no one else for me but her. I’ve realized that.”

“You should have realized that when you were married to her,” Negan frowned, shaking his head at Joel’s response. “A few weeks with her and I see everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. You have twenty years with her…”

“I’m leaving,” Joel announced with Y/N attempting to calm Negan down to get him to stop. Heading for the door, Joel felt an incredibly strong amount of jealousy with the way that Y/N was talking Negan down. Opening the door, Joel moved down the steps toward his car surprised to hear the sound of footsteps behind him. Closing the door behind him, Negan kept his head down and Joel was surprised. “She made you leave?”

“Yeah, you got what you wanted,” Negan stammered moving through the snow toward his car at the other side of the driveway. “She dumped both of us. Good for you Joel.”

“You act like I’m trying to be malicious because I’m in love with her,” Joel called out to Negan before he could get into his car. “Is it so hard to believe that I love her as much as you do? If not more?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty hard for me to believe,” Negan confessed, dropping his arms at his sides in defeat finally looking to Joel. “Because all you did was hurt her. And because of that? She doesn’t even trust me when I want to do things that make her happy and make her dreams come true. You had a midlife crisis and you regret that, I understand, but do you think you deserve her after everything you did?”

“Do you?” Joel stammered stepping to the other side of Negan’s car. “You’re not a good person Negan, what makes you think you won’t do to her what you did to Lucille? Promise her the world, but then go and cheat on her because you can.”

“That’s a fucking low blow Joel,” Negan shook his head, clinging to his keys at his side. “You’re using the lowest part of my life against me and I regret every bit of it.”

“And you’re doing the same to me,” Joel tried to make Negan understand what he was saying was along the same lines of reminding Negan what he had done to Lucille when he was younger. “You hurt Lucille relentlessly. I know because we talked. I know how she felt about you, about things…at least I waited until I was divorced.”

“Are you trying to get me to kill myself or what?” Negan snarled at Joel behind angered eyes. Scoffing, Negan held his hand up before Joel could even respond. “You know what? Fuck this. Merry Christmas Joel. I hope you had a good day and got exactly what you wanted.”

“Now come on Negan…” Joel grumbled under his breath, throwing his hands up in the air in a defensive motion. Instead of listening, Negan got in the car and the engine started up. Pulling out of the driveway, Negan left Joel alone standing in the driveway realizing that he had both Negan and Y/N incredibly upset with him. This was a terrible way to end Christmas.

----

Tags: @chainsawsangel @fancypeacepersona @violent-darkness @negansbestie @elegantfanficluv

@sanctuaryforthelost @dead-of-niight @dilfsandmartinis @jennydehavilland

[lolita-ily]

You wanted a civilised dressed girl?

TW!!: traumadump, mommy/daddy issues, implied grooming, child on child SA, hypersexuality, abandonment, bullying, self shame and disgust and pretty heavy subject. I think that’s all so buckle your belt and join my wild world

⚠️‼️: None of that is romanticised, cute or whatever. This is serious trauma, so proceed with caution and respect. If you are here to criticize any of thoses situations, please do kindly leave. Thoses situations are very much real across the world, if you relate to any of that, my DMs are always open if you need to talk🫶🏼💕

“Civilised? Hah! Let me laugh, they’re all animals”

(Dont mind me, it’ll be mostly traumadump, abit of a vent oc for this au I guess? Also a response to ppl saying that OG kikita is sexualised while she isn’t at all, she’s just free. The “civilised” Kikita is the most hurt one, but they share same heart and soul. Dont blame her, shes just another child victim of society.)

So, in this AU, Kikita is “civilised”. She lived with her grandmother and 2 little brothers since her mom abandoned her. She was sent to a boarding school accross the world and she took the unlucky plane that crashed in.

PRE-ISLAND:

Her story is messy, tied with discoveries of her dad not being her biological dad, abandonment, mommy/daddy issues. She had to mature quickly to take care of her two little brothers but it only attracted miseries. She got groomed and lived child on child SA that lead her to hypersexuality and bad life choices. Nobody knows about that since she isn’t willing to tell anyone and is TERRIFIED of her grandmother finding out. She tried her best to be a regular teen and somehow success. She was good at school and had a wonderful social life beside the fact she was often sexualised because of her appearance even if she was young. For her education, her kind grandma sent her to a boarding school in another country. Sadly, she hoped on the wrong plane.

ON-ISLAND:

In a pretty dress and Mary Jane shoes, alone with a bunch of british boys and some girls(if ocs included), at first she’s relieved to be freed from the terrifying adults and allow herself to live her life but reality settles in harshly and she realizes that it will not be so simple. She immediately take the littluns under her wing, as she did for her brothers, maternal instinct kicking in. She sticks by Ralph, finding comfort in the democracy he showcase, her duty is fruit picking and looking after the littluns. Beside that, she REFUSES to bend down to gender norms, that’s how she earned a slap from Roger when she defied Jack. Noticing girls are left behind and forced to stupid roles, she does her hardest to not do the same. She quickly creates herself a social life, adapting to any persons around. She’s quickly labelled as “Allumeuse” and proundly showcase the title no she don’t, it hurts, is only my body pretty? Please love me. Beside the littluns, Piggy and Simon, she flirts with anyone and even got affections that way its the only way, the only one. Stuck in the same old cycle, she thinks people only love her for her body and grow extremely insecure inside but nobody sees it so she dedicates herself to fruitpicking and the littluns, hoping that the self-shame and disgust will go away. Simon was the only one she spoke to, so his death was devastating and she refused to speak for a few days. Eventually, SOMEONE* manipulates her into joining Jack Merridew, seeing that more than half of the littluns are here, she joins them. Her new job is war paint and still looking after littluns(even when Roger asked for a new paint with Piggy’s blood). When Ralph is chased, she stayed behind with the littluns and was rescued like everyone else.

POST-ISLAND:

She went back to her grandma and little brothers. Beside the Island trauma, Her life went back as usual with no much changes and she was eventually sent again to that boarding school. She will never forget what happened. Nothing else is known for now.

Some facts!!:

-She loves coca cola -She loves fashion -I’m thinking of giving her an Island crush where she would be desperate and would do almost anything to get his attention(that would be why she flirts around and also the person who convinced her to join the Merridingles. I also want to do an unrequired love thing and that the guy she likes is a actually a lil bitch)* -Anger issues goes brrrr -She imposed herself and managed to get some rules done. -She despises her mother and herself(physically, they are the same) -She can lie and manipulate unintentionally(bc mom) and then feel terrible about it. -Beside the “bad” parts, she’s just like og Kikita a sweet child at heart and very kind and like anyone else she just need a hug -Naive at love -Philophobiac(fear of love) -Afraid of Night and will never admit it -Was bullied(its the 50s and she’s coloured) at 6.

-When she was on her period, she left the camp for a few days and hid in the forest and came back only when she was “clean” again -Terrified of boys and adults(but hide it) -Playgirl -Airhead, energitic, chaotic -𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 -somehow had her lipgloss on her, its her signature object

A LINE THAT WOULD DESCRIBE HER?

“I put cocaine in my lipgloss, so when he kisses me he thinks im God” -someone

dont come after me pls

please dont be mean to any of that, its very much real and I beg for some acceptance and respect, pls dont hurt me? Haha

byebyeeeeee

[scribblesscribblings]

@mountainashfae @outeremissary I like to think about the banter they’d get into

[murdleandmarot]

Sometimes you have to make shitty little OCxCanon comics to keep yourself sane

Sorry @mysticalcats I stole ur oc (foxglove)

[march-of-the-moths]

do you have a ref for your piral…..

SMILES SO SWEETLY. GLAD YOU ASKED !!!!!! VERY GLAD

^ my piral [don’t mind the chemicalfuzzy @ , I go by it on every site that isn’t this one]

ANDDDD to anyone out there who doesn’t know him !!! this is Damon, and As You Can See he is very very based off hit album the downward spiral by nine inch nails. design-wise he’s also kind of based off a heart and club moth [first design] / a comet moth [second design]

he gets 2 whole designs one that’s just. The normal one [IN QUOTATION MARKS LOL], and another that’s him after title track + Hurt happens [yeah they. They happen btw] [and then there’s these 2 other guys that revive him all weird later on , I’ll . I’ll talk about all dat in some other post but that’s the idea

he has been the number 1 plaguer of my mind lately BUT I do have a whole lot of other album based ocs I cherish dearly INCLUDING OTHER NIN ALBUMS !!! I do plan to post them all eventually I’m just very shy LMAO

under the cut is just extra stupid drawings . see him face :}

[what-is-love-babey-dont-hurt-me]

OC DUMP!!!!! And a rambly life update haha

Haven’t been drawing a lot because the semester was difficult ESPECIALLY around finals. As a break between studying I would often sketch my Kirby ocs! These were are all scattered throughout August - December. Still making the ref for Sir Meteor, so he hasn’t been introduced officially yet (unless you have seen me post about him in discords lol), but he’s been a work-in-progress ever since I posted those allosaurus skull studies in August X)

My winter break has started recently and I’m itching to create again, especially since I have those requests that I opened, I wanted to do them way faster but assignments are priority sadly. As a reward for anyone who has read this far, have a peek at my next planned full piece!

[bannedaid]

thinking about my gw2 fellas because i can’t play right now. thinking about all of them and shaking them around in my head and thinking about how i havent rped them in months and they’re starving and wasting away. sorry varus eros sobb agar keer plato and the sylvari i impulsively made one day. scratches head. kind of want to yap here but also in tags because i think tumblr works that way. people yap in the tags right

[quietwingsinthesky]

sometimes i think about my spn oc and how i rewrote everything about amara to interact with the story i was trying to tell about her. there were some really neat ideas in that i need to recycle for something one day. like, in the show proper, they just let amara take over a human baby and that’s fine, but amara’s not Meant To Be Here. this entire universe is one constructed in her absence. saying she can possess a human body should be like saying if you took a person and sent them to a universe where 1+1=3, they could just figure out how to function within that.

which in story took the form of Amara being something that could not be Understood, only Rationalized. a force locked outside the narrative who could only get inside and destroy things if given a role within it. by the Winchesters as A Monster To Face. by Chuck as Wayward, Unreachable Sister. and by miss oc as. simultaneously a projected creature to be saved, an amalgamation of injustices done to herself (and others) that would never be righted but could be made up for by being a part of this. and as something impossibly powerful that could be both protection and purpose.

and the Darkness wasn’t any of those things, really, but to have agency in her own story required new shackles, but ones she was always straining against. she wouldn’t fit inside the confines of a human mind, let alone a body, at least not well enough to leave it Intact. like lucifer burning through nick, but Worse. because the burns were an expected outcome of skin not strong enough to hold him. humans were built for angels, some were built better and some worse, but they’re meant to work. putting amara in human skin should disconnect the skin and mind and soul from the reality her brother built itself, i think. slowly. bit by bit.

and at the same time, i’d gone and written the kind of wild scenario you really can only write for your thirteen year old mary sue, given that spn oc the part of herald/high priestess/failed vessel. which she pursued with wild abandon like that would fix anything wrong with her <3

in the end, running alongside the borrowed family theming of the original show was my own theme of “how much self-annihilation will you accept to make your point. are you accepting it, really. or are you seeking it.” not just physically, in letting something unmake the base components of what you are as it tries to fit inside you or in it constricting and suffocating itself beyond self-recognition to get inside in the first place, but, obviously, it’s supernatural, how much selfhood do you cede to your family. is it worth it.

it was interesting, if nothing else. let thirteen year old me cook. she had ideas.

[loderlied]

posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh

[horizontalsplash]

google search “how to connect with someone in a way that isn’t just talking about your own ocs”

[jikigo]

you ever just see a post and just

. 😭

.⬅️🫀⬅️

[leviiackrman]

can you explain why you think people would wanna buy merch of your ocs

I’ve asked a question for that exact reason. I don’t know if people would want to!!

Asking never hurts and selling original art is the start of a business (which is what I am) so I’m genuinely just asking. It’s also not uncommon for people to sell merch of their ocs, hence again why I’m asking in the first place.

[peapod20001]

Crush? esplain you have not esplain'd yet

BrO-

Do you understand??? Do you understand?????

[gaylittleguys]

I feel like ‘found family’ has become such a idk watered down ready for marketing term but WOW do I really really love like. unprepared adult finding a child and needing to raise and help them stories. 🥺 especially if the child/‘parent’ are fundamentally very different and the parent is doing what they can to try and support the child to the best of their ability with their different needs even if they don’t fully understand.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my Sharpstone characters and seeing the wild robot tonight reminded me of my original story concept which was Jasper finding a lost monster/vampire/bat kid that’s completely different from him and helping her. (+ Lio along too) Even tho I decided to focus on their story before that bc it was more interesting and would set up things better for that first idea, I still really like that story it’s very special to me. I hope I do get to tell it someday. Maybe I’ll doodle bits of it….

[skhardwarevers1]

something something billford convinced me I’m allowed to say Crayon and Moon dating has been a thing to me since the start I dunno man I just work here

[poltergeist-coffee]

has it been long enough now that i’m allowed to say i miss insaneduo (just the character dynamic!!! those two enraptured me and i fear ill never find anything like that again) because i miss insaneduo