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#I don’t know how to talk about my ocs but I love them. And it’s all that matters 2 me
mauvecherie-writes · 2 days
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the kaleidoscope theory: l.hamilton.
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• pairing: lewis hamilton x black!oc kalani halloway
• chapter warnings: none
• w.c: 3.8K
• ru’s 💌: First thing first, I want to apologise for how long it took to post this. With school and placement taking up a lot of my time, amongst other distractions and my mental health just not being the best for a while, writing has not been my main priority, and I am trying to make up for that now. Updates will be slow, but they won’t be non-existent. Please don’t forget to like, comment and re-blog.
• tip: kofi | paypal
series masterlist
CHAPTER ONE
PRESENT DAY
“ARE you sure that you want to keep doing this with him Lani? Like I love you and I’ll always be in your corner, but I have to agree with your therapist here. What are you gaining from continuing to sleep with Malik?”
The bluntness of the question almost knocked the wind out of Kalani’s lungs. Over the decades of their friendship, she had come to know that Julian did not pull any punches when it came to honesty. It should not have shocked her that her best friend would react like this to the revelation of such news. Maybe it was the exasperation and disappointment that she picked up in his tone that made Kalani want to shrivel into herself from shame.
“Lani!” His voice boomed through the car speaker, breaking her train of thought. “Are you still there?”
“Yeah, I’m still here.” She mumbled as her hands tightened around the stirring wheel.
“Well, are you going to answer my question or not?”
“It was a moment of weakness okay!” She exclaimed, finally admitting it to herself and to her best friend. “There was always an excuse to get me alone. To discuss the divorce or something about the kids. And he’d just … he would charm me, and I would be reminded of why I fell in love with him in the first place then I’d give in.”
“Tuh.” Julian scoffed. “Talk of the divorce like he’s not trying to distract you from the fact that he has not signed those papers.” He added, the truth causing her shoulder to sag as she leaned back into her seat.
“I know.”
“Baby, I’m not trying to make you upset —.” He sighed, speaking in a much tender tone. But it was too late. The shame that had been brewing in her stomach for so long had bubbled back up her throat.
“I just need you to really think about this. It has been two years since you have asked for the divorce, Malik keeps stalling signing the papers, under the guise of trying to make it work. But we all know that he is still with that bitch. Like he can’t have his cake and eat it too. He doesn’t have any regard for who he’s hurting and that is you and the kids. I need you to be better than your weakness for him. It’s not fair.”
His words were hurtful to hear but Kalani could not argue against them because she knew that they were true. That is why she had decided to begin therapy. She had not slept with Malik in over six months since she had started her therapy session. This round, Kalani had finally shared the truth that she had on tinted with intimacy with her ex-husband despite the separation.
“I KNOW.” Kalani sniffed as her tears threatened to spill over. The tremble in her voice could not be hidden and Julian picked up on it.
“Lani, listen-.”
“Hey, so um — I gotta go. I need to pick up Princess from my aunt’s place.” Kalani quickly spoke out as she rounded the corner into a residential street. “Talk later.”
She did not wait for him to respond as she ended the phone call. Kalani took a deep breath as she put the car into an empty parking spot. She continued to sulk in her seat as the heaviness in her chest had returned. Everything that Julian had said to her were all things that she knew and had known from the first time, she had slept with him after they split.
Stuck in the moment, every time they had done the deed had felt good. In some way, it had felt like she had been reclaiming her power. It felt good to know that in some way, her ex still wanted her. In Kalani’s need to be desired by the man that she was married to for nearly twenty years, she had momentarily lost herself and had forgotten what was important.
The happiness of her children.
So Kalani took in a deep breath and exhaled, wiped away her tears and re-applied her lip gloss. She practised her smile in the rear-view mirror until she was satisfied with a more approachable facial expression. She got out of her car and fixed the legs of her pantsuit before she walked a short distance on the pathway and onto the property.
It did not take any time from her opening the small front gate for the front door to be opened.
“Mummy!” The excited shriek of her young daughter sounded through the air as her little feet carried her as fast as they could towards her. Kalani immediately dent down to her level and opened her arms, waiting for her daughter. She dived into her arms and Kalani could just feel all of that heaviness began to lift away from her heart. As her daughter squeezed her little around her neck, Kalani immediately felt better.
“Hi, my Princess!” She smiled at Tiara. Princess’s little giggles were what she got in response as she pulled back to look into her mother’s eyes.
“I missed you so much, Mummy.”
“I missed you too! Did you enjoy school and time with Auntie Angie?”
“Mhm!” Tiara nodded her head as she played with Kalani’s earrings. “Today, I learnt what a doing word is! And then Auntie Angie baked me a banana cake.”
“The cake is for all of you, not just you baby.” Aunt Angela spoke from behind Tiara which caused Kalani to chuckle as a frown appeared on her little girl’s face.
“Emi doesn’t like banana cake as much as I do!” Tiara exclaimed.
“I know baby. But can we at least save a piece for brother first?”
“Okay.” Her small voice of defeat made Kalani’s heart swoon. She cradled her daughter’s head to her chest as she walked towards the door where Angela had been standing with Tiara’s belongings and the wrapped up banana cake.
“Hi sweetie.” Angela had greeted her as she awkwardly hugged Kalani.
“Hi Auntie.” She replied. It was like she could feel the love outpouring from the embrace. And it took all of her strength to not break down then and there.
“You okay?” Angela asked her. Kalani softly nodded her head, not trusting her words in that moment. She took a deep breath before offering a smile of re-assurance.
“Just need my baby.” Kalani replied. “Thank you for looking after her today.”
“You never have to thank me for that. I love Princess and I love spending time with her.”
After a couple of more minutes of casual conversation, Kalani and Tiara said their goodbyes and then left her aunt’s home. On the journey to pick up Emil, she sang along to the current kid bops that Tiara was currently enjoying. Her daughter filled the car with chatter about what her day at school was and repeated stories of previous adventures. Kalani did not mind at all. Hearing her daughter talk was far more enjoyable than being left with the chaos that was her thoughts.
~
When they had arrived at the local sports and leisure centre, Kalani noticed that by the outdoor astroturf, there was a larger crowd than there should be for a practice on an early Wednesday evening . She walked hand in hand with Tiara towards the grounds and smiled when she noticed the crowds full of young and old cheering on.
No matter how much Emil had tried to teach her, there were still aspects of the game of football that she would never understand. However, that never changed how much Kalani cheered on Emil and supported him. She knew that he had fallen in love with football due to Malik’s love for the sport, his passion came from within, and Emil had the talent to match. If Emil was willing to play, then Kalani was going to do everything that she could to make sure that he continued to play to his greatest heights.
From where Kalani stood, she could tell that it was an intense game for a practise but neither the Red nor Green sides seemed to care. When Emil touched the ball, he sprinted across the field with incredible of the ball and passing by the red players who were trying to defend. Emil then passed the ball to another green player who was open. This player then quickly shot the ball into the net, scoring the winning goal.
The crowd, including Kalani and Tiara cheered for the green shirts.
The game came to an end and with the crowds beginning to disperse, Tiara shot away from Kalani’s side and ran towards his older brother as she screamed his name. She smiled as she watched Emil pick up his little sister and throw her into the air, catch her and then spin her around.
As she proudly watched the moment, she caught a growing crowd from the corner of her eye. She noticed a man standing in the middle with the biggest smile on his face as he tried to greet every one that was surrounding him. That bright smile with the small tooth gap was the first thing that caught her attention. His twisted strands were in a ponytail, but his sides and beard were nicely trimmed in a way that brought attention to his chiselled facial features. Kalani’s eyes travelled to his large and muscular tatted arms that even with his bronzed, umber complexion, the design of the tattooed sleeves stood out. He was dressed simply, in a black, sleeveless knitted vest and what looked like black trousers. Kalani had spent too much time staring at him for her to notice that his jewellery was expensive and some of it was probably custom made.
As if picking up on her inquisitive eyes, the man looked up and stared right at her. She had never seen such an intense yet sincere pair of eyes that were the smoothest of chocolate brown. Kalani bit her lip in embarrassment at being caught looking when he smiled at her. She quickly averted her gaze to her children, who were walking towards her and tried not to think about why the stranger felt vaguely familiar.
“Hi Mum.” Emil greeted her as he placed Tiara down on her feet before reaching towards her and giving her a sideways hug. Kalani reciprocated the hg and patted his sweat drenched curls.
“Hi baby, you were great out there.” She complimented him which caused him to grin.
“Thank you.” He smiled at her.
“Any particular reason why you guys were playing like it was the finals of the Premier League?”
“Oh! The owner of the centre is here, and we just wanted to impress him I guess.”
“You were out there acting like he’s like a talent scout.” Kalani chuckled.
“He might as well be. He used to be a sportsperson, so he knows a lot of people.”
“Like Mbappa right?”
“Mbappé, Mum. Mbappé.” Emil corrected her with a roll to his eyes.
“Well, whatever his name is.” Kalani shrugged her shoulders and then picked Tiara into her arms. “Anyway, go get your stuff. We need to be home before 8:30.”
For a fraction of a moment, she saw her son’s gleeful demeanour slip. He nodded his head and then jogged away. Kalani watched as he stopped and talked to the same man that she had made eye contact with. The joy in his face was back once more and it eased the tension within her. She was sending them to their fathers’ for the weekend as she needed some time to herself to re-charge before she embarked on a large project at work.
However, Emil had made it abundantly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the man that he had once idolised. Emil confessed to enduring the visit for the sake of Tiara, who was still trying to adjust to the separation.
When he came back, they all hurdled into the car and they drove back home, not before stopping for a takeaway pizza collection.
After they had arrived back at their home, Kalani rushed her children to take their evening showers before preparing their bags.
Kalani stayed downstairs as she prepared their dinner. Alongside the pizza, she made a simple arugula salad with cherry tomatoes, feta cheese and a balsamic dressing. Once she had set the table and could finally take a sip of her white wine.
She dreaded the weekends when her children were away. Because it forced her to think. It forced her evaluate every single decision that led to this very moment that she was currently residing in.
Her hatred for Malik increased.
Memories of their past floated in front of her. Her and Malik dancing around the kitchen as they cooked whilst Emil set the kitchen table and Tiara narrating stories from her vivid imagination.
They were so happy.
They were so in love.
Where in the fuck did he ever find the time to cheat on her? She wondered.
That was a question that she never got an answer to. And it was a question, she was afraid of what the answer may be. It just was not something that she was ready to confront. Kalani was left to deal with all of that harbouring anger all alone.
“Mummy look! Me and Emi are matching!” Tiara rushed rushed down the stairs with Emil in tow. When Kalani turned her head towards their direction, a laughter full of elation burst from her when she noted that the duo were indeed matching. Tiara was dressed in a hot pink Nike tracksuit that was a contrast to Emil’s grey one.
“She wasn’t going to wear anything else.” Emil commented as they entered the large kitchen area, approaching the sink to wash their hands.
“That’s okay. Princess just wants to be like her big brother huh.” Kalani smiled as she smoothed her daughter’s hair.
“Yep!” Tiara gave them her dazzling smile. “Except, I don’t like football, and he doesn’t like banana cake!” The little girl stated before her focus shifted to the slices of banana cake on the table. “Ooouuu caaaakkee.”
“Not so fast, young lady!” Kalani spoke up which stopped Tiara in her tracks. “Can you eat some pizza first before the cake?”
“Okay, Mummy.” She pouted as she moved to sit down in her chair by the table. Emil shook his his head as he plated a slice of pizza for himself before sitting down.
They sat in silence as they ate their food, but Kalani could tell from her son’s solemn expression that something was bothering him.
“You okay baby?” She asked him as a worried expression marked her face.
“Yeah, I’m okay.” He offered her a smile that she didn’t believe.
“You sure? You know that you can always talk to me, right?”
“Yeah, I know. It’s just -.” Emil stopped talking before he let out a sigh. He then turned his attention to Tiara who was focused on trying to do a cheese pull. “I’m not ready to talk about it.” He concluded.
Kalani swallowed as she tried to not be disappointed with his response. Outside of the pure anger that was palpable whenever his father was mentioned, Emil had concealed his emotions about the divorce from her, always giving her that same answer of not being ready to talk. She had offered for him to go to therapy but he refused, saying that he did not need it.
“I caught him cheating Mum, not killing somebody.” He had said to her after the therapy suggestion. She dropped it then, however as her sessions continued, the more she wanted to push for Emil to go. But she was not going to force his hand. He’d go when he was ready.
“How’s this? When you come back, I’ll take the day off work and break you out of school and we do whatever you want. Just the two of us.”
“I’d like that.” Emil replied as a small smile returned to his face. Kalani reached over and softly pinched his cheek.
“That’s my boy.” She wicked at him.
They finished dinner in a much better mood with Emil updating her on his coming football schedule so that she could make time for it in her diary. And it wasn’t long after they had cleared the table did the doorbell ring.
Kalani glanced over to the clock on the wall. It was 8:40pm.
A cloud of tension suddenly covered the serenity of their home as she realised who was at the front door. Kalani looked at her son, who was already moving to collect Tiara from her position in her play area by the living room.
“Give me five minutes, I need to talk to your father about something.” She said to him. Emil nodded his head.
“Princess come on, gotta make sure that you have all of your toys ready.” He said before picking her up and giving her a piggy-back ride up the stairs which caused her to squeal with each step.
Kalani mentally prepared herself as she dried her hands with a hand towel before she headed to the door.
With one more pep talk, she swung the door open and met her ex-husband with a close-lipped smile with her body blocking the entrance.
Standing shy of 6 foot 2 inches with a rich, tawny complexion, a shaved head and trimmed goatee – Malik was a physically handsome man. At forty-three, he kept himself fit, had an impeccable wardrobe (that she introduced him to) and a gorgeous smile that her daughter inherited. Full lips with slick words that could charm the pants off a recluse. She would know, they’d been working on her for close to two decades.
“Hi Lani.” He smiled down at her.
“Hi Malik.” Her tone was curt, which caused his cheeky expression to slip by minor fraction, but she caught it.
“How are you?” He asked. “You look beautiful as ever.” He complimented her, trying to work his charm as he had done so many times before.
It wasn’t going to work this time.
“Thanks.” She narrowed her eyes before she moved to step outside. She drew the door close and left it slightly agar.
“I need to talk to talk to you about something.”
“Are the kids okay?” He worried.
“They’re as fine as they can be. But that’s not what I want to talk about.”
“Then what?”
“When are you going to sign the papers, Malik? You’ve been putting them off for far too long now.”
“What do you mean sign?” He frowned in confusion. “I thought that we were taking this time to figure things out.”
“What things?!” Kalani sternly exclaimed in a hushed voice. “You refused couple’s counselling. Emil doesn’t want therapy and wont talk to me about it. Tiara thinks you’re working on a big project at work because she doesn’t understand that we’re separated.” As the words spat out of her mouth, the angrier she became. “Let’s not fucking forget, that little girlfriend of yours is still around and you thought that I didn’t know about it.”
“She’s not Kalani!” Malik quickly tried to shut down her accusation.
“Oh please!” She scoffed as she looked at him up and down in disgust. “Her perfume is lingering on you right now. I should know, I was washing it off for years!” She hissed.
Kalani watched as Malik tried to sniff his clothes and that disgusted her even more as she could see the gears in his mind churning up an excuse.
“Listen, it’s not like that.” He began to say.
“I don’t give a shit what it’s like. I want those divorce paper signed and delivered to my office by Monday. If not then no more nice Kalani, I’ve put up with your shit for too long.”
Without giving Malik a chance to reply, she opened the door just as she picked up on the patter of feet rushing down the stairs. Tiara zoomed past her and dove into her father’s legs, hugging them.
“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” She chanted, bouncing with excitement. Malik picked her up into his arms and gave him one of his practised smiles as he peppered her face with kisses.
“My gorgeous girl! You’re getting so big!” He said which caused Tiara to grin.
“Look! My tooth fell out and the tooth fairy gave me one pound and Mummy told me to add it to my piggy bank!”
“Oh, that’s so awesome Princess!”
“When all my teeth fall out, I’m gonna be rich!”
“Oh, I bet!” Malik tickled her sides which caused another high-pitched squeal to leave Tiara. In all of her rage, it was the joy of her daughter that mattered to her. Emil trotted to her side, holding their weekend bags.
“You got everything baby?” She asked him. He nodded his head.
She hated having to send him with his father, but she did not trust Malik to care for Tiara without Emil’s assistance. She brought in her son for a tight hug and kissed the side of his head. “It’s just two days and you’ll be back.”
Emil sighed at those words before nodding his head. “Bye Mum.” He mumbled before he kissed her cheek and walked past Malik without acknowledging him. She could see that Malik was trying to not let that get to him but kept a brave face for Tiara. It may be horrible to admit but it felt nice to know that there was one more person who hated his guts the way she did.
‘Right, Princess, you’re going to be on our best behaviour for your father, okay?” Kalani said to Tiara.
“Mhm.” Tiara nodded her head before Kalani placed a kiss on her forehead.
“We’ll talk about what we talked about later.” Malik glared at her.
“Unless it’s about that signature, then we have nothing to talk about.” She glared back.
Kalani waved goodbye to her children as Malik drove away. Once she shut her front door, she let out the biggest sigh of relief as her body relaxed. She had not realised just how tense she had been in the minutes Malik was here.
It had felt like hours.
With her body on autopilot, Kalani finished cleaning up the kitchen and packing away Tiara’s toys before she grabbed her bottles of wine, forgoing the glass and dragged her body up the stairs to her bedroom. As she prepared for her evening bath, she put her favourite playlist on and danced to the music as she stripped down to her bathing suit.
Once her tub was full of hot water and bubbles, she sank down, laying down her head on the towel. She took a large gulp of her wine and get the bottle down.
With only the sultry voice of Sadé as solace, Kalani let her walls down and cried to her hearts content.
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reading list: @queenshikongo3 @dhlfastestlap @saintslewis @serpenttines-library @saturnville @hopefulromantic1 @cocobutterqwueen @bluesole16 @chaneajoyyy @emjayewrites @melodichaeuxx-lacritquexx @sapphireheaven @olyvoyl @lewisroscoelove @lh44adore @hellomadamebutterfly @scorpiobleue @laneywrld @qveenmelanink @tremendousstarlighttragedy @bekindbecoolbeyou @greedyjudge2 @itsapurrfectstorm @createdbylivingclocks @omgsuperstarg @peyiswriting @miyuhpapayuh @blowmymbackout @purplelewlew @henneseyhoe @perfecttrashface @alianovnaromanovanatalia @leilaxaliel @hotfudgeslug @iamryanl @pickingupmymercedes @eleetalks @ambs-06 @annisassintchaska @boujiestpoet @nayaesworld @nat-lh-44
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murdleandmarot · 3 months
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Sometimes you have to make shitty little OCxCanon comics to keep yourself sane
Sorry @mysticalcats I stole ur oc (foxglove)
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periodic-table-yaoi · 27 days
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do you have a ref for your piral…..
SMILES SO SWEETLY. GLAD YOU ASKED !!!!!! VERY GLAD
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^ my piral [don’t mind the chemicalfuzzy @ , I go by it on every site that isn’t this one]
ANDDDD to anyone out there who doesn’t know him !!! this is Damon, and As You Can See he is very very based off hit album the downward spiral by nine inch nails. design-wise he’s also kind of based off a heart and club moth [first design] / a comet moth [second design]
he gets 2 whole designs one that’s just. The normal one [IN QUOTATION MARKS LOL], and another that’s him after title track + Hurt happens [yeah they. They happen btw] [and then there’s these 2 other guys that revive him all weird later on , I’ll . I’ll talk about all dat in some other post but that’s the idea
he has been the number 1 plaguer of my mind lately BUT I do have a whole lot of other album based ocs I cherish dearly INCLUDING OTHER NIN ALBUMS !!! I do plan to post them all eventually I’m just very shy LMAO
under the cut is just extra stupid drawings . see him face :}
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OC DUMP!!!!! And a rambly life update haha
Haven’t been drawing a lot because the semester was difficult ESPECIALLY around finals. As a break between studying I would often sketch my Kirby ocs! These were are all scattered throughout August - December. Still making the ref for Sir Meteor, so he hasn’t been introduced officially yet (unless you have seen me post about him in discords lol), but he’s been a work-in-progress ever since I posted those allosaurus skull studies in August X)
My winter break has started recently and I’m itching to create again, especially since I have those requests that I opened, I wanted to do them way faster but assignments are priority sadly. As a reward for anyone who has read this far, have a peek at my next planned full piece!
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bannedaid · 9 days
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thinking about my gw2 fellas because i can’t play right now. thinking about all of them and shaking them around in my head and thinking about how i havent rped them in months and they’re starving and wasting away. sorry varus eros sobb agar keer plato and the sylvari i impulsively made one day. scratches head. kind of want to yap here but also in tags because i think tumblr works that way. people yap in the tags right
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cashweasel · 1 month
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for Valen + Gideon 💋 + 🎮, also 👋
Ideal date: valen loves a romantic picnic with activities, you can never go wrong with a sunset, some wine and card games 😌 gideon is a pilot so spontaneous day trips and exploring a new city is 10/10 plus it’s a free flight! fjskakhjs
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Favorite hobby: valen has always been into music as a child he played violin and later joined as part of an orchestra he also sings, plays and really enjoys making music, gideon has 700 hobbies lol mostly he’s just out on his bike 🏍️. Their favorite shared hobby is tennis and judging ppl at the country club loll
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Siblings: gideon is an only child but valen has a brother and he’s hot lmaoo this is his fc, I don’t know his name 😂
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[Oc headcanons: Picture Edition!]
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quietwingsinthesky · 10 days
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sometimes i think about my spn oc and how i rewrote everything about amara to interact with the story i was trying to tell about her. there were some really neat ideas in that i need to recycle for something one day. like, in the show proper, they just let amara take over a human baby and that’s fine, but amara’s not Meant To Be Here. this entire universe is one constructed in her absence. saying she can possess a human body should be like saying if you took a person and sent them to a universe where 1+1=3, they could just figure out how to function within that.
which in story took the form of Amara being something that could not be Understood, only Rationalized. a force locked outside the narrative who could only get inside and destroy things if given a role within it. by the Winchesters as A Monster To Face. by Chuck as Wayward, Unreachable Sister. and by miss oc as. simultaneously a projected creature to be saved, an amalgamation of injustices done to herself (and others) that would never be righted but could be made up for by being a part of this. and as something impossibly powerful that could be both protection and purpose.
and the Darkness wasn’t any of those things, really, but to have agency in her own story required new shackles, but ones she was always straining against. she wouldn’t fit inside the confines of a human mind, let alone a body, at least not well enough to leave it Intact. like lucifer burning through nick, but Worse. because the burns were an expected outcome of skin not strong enough to hold him. humans were built for angels, some were built better and some worse, but they’re meant to work. putting amara in human skin should disconnect the skin and mind and soul from the reality her brother built itself, i think. slowly. bit by bit.
and at the same time, i’d gone and written the kind of wild scenario you really can only write for your thirteen year old mary sue, given that spn oc the part of herald/high priestess/failed vessel. which she pursued with wild abandon like that would fix anything wrong with her <3
in the end, running alongside the borrowed family theming of the original show was my own theme of “how much self-annihilation will you accept to make your point. are you accepting it, really. or are you seeking it.” not just physically, in letting something unmake the base components of what you are as it tries to fit inside you or in it constricting and suffocating itself beyond self-recognition to get inside in the first place, but, obviously, it’s supernatural, how much selfhood do you cede to your family. is it worth it.
it was interesting, if nothing else. let thirteen year old me cook. she had ideas.
#spn oc#don’t mind this i’m rambling about nothing i felt nostalgic about her (<- my oc)#there was also an explanation in the mix for why amara was called amara in this au too despite. you know. not being a baby.#and it was like. a vessel’s desperate attempt to separate itself from the thing inside it by naming it something other than itself.#like a last moment of self-preservation. the opposite of lucifer using nick’s face and us all agreeing to think of it as his. you know?#and amara means beauty.#it’s a very human need. to name things. and the thing is that humanity itself is antithetical to what amara is. in this au.#not because of any inherent quality of it. but because it was not made with her in mind.#i keep bringing up lucifer but he’s such a good comparison case of what thirteen year old me was trying to construct here#and what i can better explain now that im. not thirteen. but its that. lucifer has beef with humans because they have common ground.#the only reason he can hate them is because they’re recognizable to him. terrible little cockroaches. but something he understands.#amara as i conceived of her could not hate or love or understand humanity. or the world. or anything as we know it. because it was not made#to be seen by her. it was made with the express purpose of her never encountering it.#when i was thirteen i wanted her to be so much more alien than she was. unfortunately this is supernatural and supernatural deals in#Just Some Guy forever and ever <3#but it was my story so i made her fucked up and weird and beyond comprehension.#except. of course. when forced to bend into a shape that makes her Not her.#i don’t think proper envesseling would have been a process either her or the oc survived. not because they’d die but because they’d get.#stuck? i think? that was what the intent was. that they’d get melted together like plastic toys.#chuck had a nice smooth envesseling in this au because these toys are made for him.#and angels need consent and angels get bleedover from their vessels because the toys are shared with them but they’re closer to being toys#themselves too.#i’ve rambled enough honestly no one cares about this but me aksjfkjfks#what was i talking about. right! the naming!#the naming of amara is a nail in her coffin because she is named and it is so human to be named and to be perceived and to be shaped by that#perception. even without malicious intent. even to be looked at as destruction itself and be named beauty.#in the same way you kill what something could be by learning what it is. the way a unicorn dies when you discover how rhinos were drawn.#does that make sense? that’s what kills her. bit by bit.
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posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh
#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself#but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep#and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either#i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in#fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst#i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago#but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it#this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed#i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me#i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time#this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake#gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t#like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it!#i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life#when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so#i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have#but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip#and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude#though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i#it’s been gnawing at me#ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in#one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes#watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep#so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom#idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting#they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao#so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most#i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry#also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn#it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes
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horizontalsplash · 2 months
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google search “how to connect with someone in a way that isn’t just talking about your own ocs”
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jikigo · 4 months
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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leviiackrman · 1 year
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can you explain why you think people would wanna buy merch of your ocs
I’ve asked a question for that exact reason. I don’t know if people would want to!!
Asking never hurts and selling original art is the start of a business (which is what I am) so I’m genuinely just asking. It’s also not uncommon for people to sell merch of their ocs, hence again why I’m asking in the first place.
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peapod20001 · 1 year
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Crush? esplain you have not esplain'd yet
BrO-
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Do you understand??? Do you understand?????
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aquatic-batt · 2 years
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thought I’d bring in some old ocs while I’m talking about ocs, I need to make some new sketches of the others involved but here’s some newer ones of just Moira (she/her) and Raven (he/him)! Moira is the brown dog and Raven is the orange cat as well as the fully colored cat :V
basically Raven is a former cultist with a guilty conscience to show for it and Moira is on a mission to push forth a prophecy, and she uses said prophecy to help Raven back on his feet (er, paws) and realize he still has a chance to better himself
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making a timeline for eyrie and it really is like you hit 50 and you’re life just took a downhill turn there huh
#it might have been earlier I dunno!#their dad died and they ended up on their own#and were taking on apprentices by 75 and had their first child#me handing my oc trauma liek you would be a terrible parent. you would be the best parent#listen eyrie isn’t lacking in the having had a supportive and caring family#they were well loved and knew it. they just ended up in a position#one they knew they would end up living where they ended up incredibly lonely#and that messed them up quite a bit. they’ve got some issues having been lonely for so long#issues they don’t address. impulses they rarely act on bc they’re ashamed of their loneliness#it’s why they didn’t talk to thancred about how they slept together for a long time#their secretiveness is merely forgetfulness. them forgetting they can talk about themselves#and/or it’s them realizing they’re forgetting and continuing to push that under the rug#oc: eyrie kisne#they mean so much to me even though they are so messed up#they would care for a child to a degree of unhealthiness they cannot trust themselves with#they know it and it’s why they’re so hesitant to connect w their daughters#they weren’t part of their lives so what connects them besides blood?#they’re so worried. they wouldn’t call one of their daughters their daughter bc they don’t like how it would change things#it would change nothing but they fear that change#you know after Pollux there’s something that tickles my fancy about incorrectly self aware characters#the worst judges of their own character#edit; they had other reasons for not talking to thancred about sleeping together the one time#it was an impulsive choice and one of those feelings of this is a one time affair sorta thing#they weren’t a stranger to that and neither was thancred#they probably slept together several times but you know
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cashweasel · 11 months
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Got tagged by besties @night-triumphantt and @sysba who I’ll be sending my therapy bill to for making me take this quiz for blorbos but maybe it’s also partly my fault bc I can’t resist taking quizzes esp if they’re about ocs
Tagging @lawrencebarkley @sosolenoo @heaventides
What kind of love are you?
valen - love that heals
your love is healing. it burns you with every bit of your soul, but you choose to heal, nevertheless. you are so, so so strong and i hope you know that. i send you peace. i send you calm. i hope things will become better for you in time, just as you have made others better in time as well.
gideon, yazan, hyacinth - love that lasts
love unconditional, love unfailing. you love no matter what happens because you believe in the best – of you, and them. it will hurt and it will fail you, but this love tastes so sweet – you can never believe that it bitters sometimes. the way you choose to love unconditionally is incredible.
karima - love that protects
you love so fiercely, with every fibre of your being. maybe you were wounded by love in the past ; such that you choose to love and love and love so wonderfully that the next person who comes into your life never doubts that they are loved by you.
shaheen - love that strengthens
you make sure that people know that they are loved, and you give them strength when they need it the most. this is an ability that is rare; the love that you hold speaks wonders of yourself. i hope you're doing alright. isn't it exhausting always being the bigger person?
angie - love that calms
this is sweet. i hope you know that you make others feel at ease around you. you're a gem, a blessing, a treasure – and you should know it. it's comfortable loving you. it's a privilege to be around you and to be let into your world.
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Also I just wanna point these out because- I was so attacked, triggered even, hurt also
how dare you put these very specific quotes in a quiz a I was meant to take for yazan and gideon
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skhardwarevers1 · 16 days
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something something billford convinced me I’m allowed to say Crayon and Moon dating has been a thing to me since the start I dunno man I just work here
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