#I don’t but I want to correctly depict what happened

[willothewispwisteriadawn]

Charles is both an abuser and a victim, and I think this is important for reading the other characters.

I think sometimes when I talk about Francis and Charles as characters it comes across like I think Francis was the worst one and that Charles did nothing wrong, and that’s really not the case. It’s more that I feel that fandom tendencies make the discussions about them just inaccurate? And my thoughts here are not about memes and silly posts purposely woobifying characters. It’s like based on… legit theories and fanfics that weirdly depict the characters.

I think my issue with the Charles discourse is how much Charles is seemingly held up as a scapegoat so people can safely adore other characters in the book. And it’s all just inaccurate to what happened. For example, the concept that Henry was benevolently trying to swoop in to rescue Camilla from Charles is something I see framed a lot. And that phrasing of it seems more intended to be ship fodder than anything because that’s honestly a really watered concept of what happened, in my reading. Charles did wrong, but that doesn’t mean Henry was just the good guy in the situation. He definitely had selfish motives; he wanted Camilla, and it wasn’t pure saviorhood. If it were, he wouldn’t have antagonized/pressured Charles into insanity and kept him drunk on purpose. Camilla wanted Charles to get better— she said so. But Henry convinced Francis and Richard to keep Charles intoxicated. And he didn’t tell Camilla that Charles was still drinking.

(Side thing, this also indicates Francis could be wrong that Charles is faking memory loss— either by genuine mistake or because he’s wants Richard to feel sorry for him. I guess we can’t know for sure, but we have it presented as valid by Camilla and not by Francis).

Anyway, this isn’t exactly honest, helpful behavior on Henry’s part. And Camilla definitely wasn’t ok with everything he was doing. He lied, at least by omission, to her.

It’s very likely Henry intimidated Francis when he visited Camilla (Francis seemed rattled and said Henry wouldn’t leave the room), and I suspect he said things to Francis when they were alone before Richard called about finding Charles in the snail. This is why Francis echoed Henry’s bullshittery about detoxing being bad. I do think Camilla wanted to date Henry and that she asked him for help— their relationship had been going on the whole book— but it’s also highly implied she was wary of some of his behaviors and that she wouldn’t have wanted her brother to get murdered. I think Henry did help Camilla. But I also think his manipulative actions show that his motives were self-serving and that, by the end of the book, he’s using violence as his modus operandi. Henry is a pretty horrible guy. He has a sort of joking coldness about Bunny’s death as well as the death of the dog he killed, and he openly admits to not caring much for others. He’s a super incredible character, and I do find him charming and fascinating. But I feel like I’ve seen this whole situation with Charles become about how Henry just adored Camilla so much and was willing to protect her from evil. I’ve even seen it insinuated that everything Henry did from the start of the novel was really just to liberate Camilla. As if he isn’t a selfish bastard who did the bacchanal as means to rid himself of his conscience so he can do what he wants (again, from his own mouth).

Henry himself was clearly— and by his own intention, I argue— a factor in Charles’s insanity and using Charles’s sins to his advantage. Just because Charles was rotten doesn’t mean he’s at fault for the entirety of what happened. It doesn’t mean that he wasn’t used too. He was bad but also really sick. Henry and Francis both knew this and manipulated it. Again, it’s not that he’s innocent, it’s more that the conversation around him often becomes about acquitting other, more beloved characters by invoking the name of Charles for everything. But Henry’s motives for the bacchanal were selfish and Francis was a spineless manipulator at points.

(Hopefully I’m not strawmanning people here!!! I think it’s easy to find fake groups of people to argue with in posts like these. And I admit fault if I’ve been taking theories and posts I see too seriously, but this is my issue with a few specific theories I have seen that seem to depict Francis as too inculpable and Henry as too selflessly in love)

[triplefrontierbabe]

Daniel Ricciardo smau

pairing: f!reader x Daniel Ricciardo

warnings: use of yn (sorry), suggestive themes, alternate universe, depictions of smoking

disclaimer: photos from Pinterest and/or Instagram, I take no credit for the photos

yourusername

liked by enchante , lilymhe and 567,945 others

yourusername visited the ratatouille cinematic universe 🐀🇫🇷

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danielricciardo

liked by maxverstappen1 , oscarpiastri and 1,563,820 others

danielricciardo city of love with my love

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yourusername wearing enchante like you know how to speak French 🙄

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yourusername

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yourusername I said “I want to go to the spa” but Danny heard “I want to go to Spa” 🧖‍♀️🏎️🇧🇪🧇

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↳ yourusername I think we owe ourselves a spa day with massages and manicures 🙂‍↕️

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danielricciardo also the spa doesn’t have waffles but Spa does so I think that’s what counts

maxverstappen1 Daniel’s an old man, you can’t always count on him hearing things correctly

↳ danielricciardo did the bottle of wine mean nothing to you?!?!

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danielricciardo

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yourusername

liked by haileesteinfeld , tatemcrae and 1,004,732 others

yourusername summer break getaway in Austin 🧡🤠🌅 (last pic is Danny mansplaining waterfalls to me </3)

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landonorris at least it wasn’t maxplaining

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danielricciardo

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danielricciardo couldn’t wait till October to be back in Austin 🤘🤠🌻

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yourusername I need a moment

↳ maxverstappen1 me too

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౨ৎ ⋆｡˚ ౨ৎ ⋆｡˚ ౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

Click here to view my Masterlist

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smau taglist: @bernelflo @ifyouaintfirstyourelastt

inbox me to be put on my tag list for 1) smau 2) text au or 3) all f1 & Indycar works

[fluentmoviequoter]

My Fighter

Requested Here!

Pairing: Jim Street x fem!SWAT!reader

Summary: When a serial killer you arrested breaks out of prison, you and your team are tasked with finding him. You lie to the team and meet with the killer, but Street rushes to help you and reminds you why he can't lose you.

Warnings: canon-typical violence and action (OC serial killer, depiction of murder scenes, mentions of blood and murder, threats), angst, fluff and comfort at the end. there are a few references from various episodes but no spoilers!

Word Count: 3.9k+ words

Masterlist Directory | Jim Street Masterlist | Request Info\Fandom List

“Street, hands to yourself, please. This is a workplace and I’m trying to make sure this raid goes well,” Hicks says.

Street ignores Hicks’ request, as well as Hicks’ obvious exasperation as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Street,” you whisper, shrugging one shoulder up.

“Fine,” he grumbles, removing his hands from your sides.

“Thank you,” Hicks sighs. “Now, you’ve got blueprints and Hondo’s breach plan is good. Deac, let’s not have another Schupatz situation, okay? Everyone stay where you’re supposed to be.”

“I’m still shocked you remembered him,” Luca comments.

“Everyone remembers big arrests,” Hondo argues. “And Deac’s just a good friend.”

“It’s true,” Deacon agrees. “First arrests are typically memorable.”

“Someone say something about memorable first arrests?” Rocker interjects from the doorway. “Mine was a drug maker. Not a seller or user, manufacturer.”

“Don’t get too cocky,” Hondo calls. “Our girl over here took down a serial killer for hers.”

“I got lucky,” you say softly.

“How so?” Rocker inquires.

“He killed one of my friends. Tried to cover his tracks, but I knew her well enough to spot every little inconsistency.”

Rocker nods before his team calls for him. As he walks away, Hicks goes over the details of your current case once more. Street’s hand returns to your back as a silent comfort after talking about one of the toughest cases you’ve ever worked on. Hicks doesn’t mention it this time but gives you an encouraging nod as you walk out of the situation room.

Hondo’s phone rings as you climb back into Black Betty after a successful raid. He furrows his brows and mumbles, “Someone’s more overbearing than usual,” before he answers the call on speaker.

“Commander,” Hondo greets.

“Back to the station. Now,” Hicks demands.

“Yes, sir. But the raid was good, so we’ve got another-“

“There was a breakout at the state prison,” Hicks interrupts. “We need 20-David on this.”

“We’re on it,” Tan agrees.

“Are you all here?” Hicks asks.

“Yes, sir,” your squad says together.

Hicks sighs, and you can picture him rubbing his jaw before he says, “Noah Oliguria broke out.”

Your eyes widen at the mention of his name, and you turn toward Hondo to make sure you heard Hicks correctly. Street moves to your side, and you know that you did. Your first arrest, the man who killed your friend, a serial killer who was supposed to be off the streets until he took his last unworthy breath, is now running free in Los Angeles.

“Where’d he go?” you ask quietly.

“He stole a van,” Hicks says, “we’ve been tracking it on traffic cams, but we need S.W.A.T. ready to roll the moment we have an opening.”

“He’s going to kill again.”

“We don’t know that.”

“I do. When I put the cuffs on him, he promised that someday he would kill again. He’s not out for tacos, Commander, he broke free to get back to what he knows.”

“It’s okay,” Street says softly.

He lays an arm over your shoulders, and you lean against him as Hicks tells Hondo more about what they know. You don’t care about how Noah broke out; you want to ensure he gets put back in. With Street beside you, your anger begins melting into fear. The last time Noah was on the streets of Los Angeles, a lot of people died, including someone you cared about deeply. That won’t happen again – it can’t, not while you can stop him.

“We’ll get him,” Hondo promises as he ends the call. “And you’re not alone this time.”

Your leg bounces with bottled anxiety as you sit outside the situation room. Dressed in your gear, you are ready to go. The rest of your team is inside with Hicks, but they decided it would be best if you didn’t have to relive the initial case against Noah. You remember it too well, anyway.

“Hey,” Street says as he lowers to sit beside you.

His hand lands on your knee, and you slow your breathing and movement at his touch.

“Hondo thinks we may have a lead. If you want to sit this one out, though, no one will blame you,” Street explains.

“I can’t sit here and do nothing, Jim.”

“I get it,” Street promises, nodding.

“You’re not helping,” you mumble as you look at him.

Street’s hand moves from your knee to the side of your thigh as you move. He furrows his brows at your comment, and you offer a small smile.

“You’re being really serious.”

“Oh, right,” Street agrees playfully. “Would you prefer a joke or just a generic sarcastic comment?”

You tap your chin as you think, but as your worry disappears (one of Street’s superpowers, you think), Hicks yells for 20 Squad to get ready to roll. Street’s hand slips into yours as you rush to Black Betty, and you can only hope to beat Noah Oliguria this time.

“Don’t,” Hondo demands as you step to his side. He extends an arm across your chest and shakes his head. “You don’t want to go in there.”

You turn away from him and press your fists harshly into your sides. Too late again. Last time you found one of Noah’s victims, it was your friend, and she had endured a bitter end until she couldn’t anymore. Despite your determination to stop him again, Hondo is right; you’ve seen enough of Noah’s work to know you don’t want to see anymore.

“He’s not going to stop, Deacon,” you say as he exits the building. “We don’t have time to go back to H.Q. and wait for a lead.”

“We don’t have to,” Street calls. “He left us one.”

You and Deacon rush toward Street, who lifts a blood-covered motel keycard. Noah’s, you assume. It’s not much, but it’s something. As you sit beside Street while Luca drives to the motel, you can feel your heart and stomach flipping with anxiety and memories you’d rather forget.

Street takes your hand and squeezes three times. Part of you wants to climb into his arms and never come out, but the other argues that you have a duty to the men and women that Noah has already killed and those he plans to. No one on your team would force you to sit this case out, but if Noah gets close to anyone you love, you won’t have a choice.

“Hondo,” you say. “Can I make entry?”

He nods slowly before agreeing. Noah has tried to taunt you from behind bars before, but if you see him face-to-face, you’ll let him know he will never get under your skin. You’re not scared of Noah Oliguria, but the idea of losing someone else to him terrifies you.

After you exit Black Betty, you run silently toward the room listed on the key. There’s an overturned housekeeping cart beside the door, and you nudge it out of the way. A blood-soaked towel falls from the laundry bin, and you don’t hesitate to kick the door open.

Street enters behind you, but your sudden stop causes him to grab your hips as he tries to stay upright. The scene on the bed holds your attention, though. Noah never seemed to have a type about who he killed. He simply liked the act, the blood between his fingers, a pulse fading under his touch as the life faded from his victim’s eyes. That’s why this scene is so wrong.

“It was too fast,” you murmur.

“Motives change,” Hondo points out. “He’s been locked up, maybe he- maybe he’s making up for lost time.”

“No, the first one was right.” You look around quickly before you decide, “He heard us coming. We just missed him.”

“That tracks,” Luca agrees. “M.E. said the first body had only been there about ten minutes. We’re not far behind him.”

“Far enough,” you snap. “We cannot let him kill again.”

Hondo looks at Street, who nods before grabbing your shoulders. He steers you out of the room with a loving but firm grip, and you let him lift you into Black Betty as you remember what Noah did on the other side of the motel wall.

“He’s going to keep killing,” you whisper.

You hold Street’s wrists as he kneels before you. He nods but doesn’t look away from you as the coroner and a detective arrive.

“You know it takes time. What he did to your friend, to you, was awful. Getting over that is impossible, but we can’t rush this,” he says.

“I know that. But… it feels like it’s my fault. I caught him once; why can’t I do it again?”

“It took you months.”

You shake your head and prepare to argue, but Street leans closer as his hands move to either side of your neck, his thumbs brushing over your jaw.

“Honey,” he murmurs. “It took you time, then, too. Be patient with yourself, okay? Those women, their blood isn’t on your hands, and you’re going to go crazy pushing yourself like this.”

“We’ll catch him eventually, right?”

“We always do.”

Street moves up to kiss your forehead before he sits beside you. The team joins you in Black Betty a moment later with another clue to chase. It feels like a breadcrumb trail, but you will always be too far behind, too slow to catch the man leaving the trail. Street keeps his hand in yours as Luca exits the motel parking lot and you gladly accept the comfort.

Your phone rings as Hondo explains the clue they found: a receipt for dry-cleaning to be picked up down the road in just under an hour. It’s an unknown number, but Hondo permits you to answer it anyway. With your helmet still on, you answer it and immediately switch it to speaker. You don’t speak before someone says your name.

“Heard you’re with S.W.A.T. now. Guess that puts a new meaning on the term ‘chasing’ me, huh?”

You recognize his voice immediately and try to end the call. Street grabs your hand gently and shakes his head, and Hondo motions for you to keep him talking.

“Noah,” you force out. “What do you want?”

“Ten years ago, you arrested me because I made some mistakes. That’s what you said at the trial. I didn’t make mistakes. Your friend was a fighter, and she wrecked her apartment. Someone leaving clues isn’t a mistake. Speaking of your friend… how’s her family?”

“What do you want?” you repeat slowly.

“To catch up. 12th and Maple, tonight at 8. Just you and me.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because if you don’t, I’ll kill someone else. Actually, I have a better idea… for every half hour that you don’t show, I will kill another woman in L.A. How’s that for reason to come?”

“Pretty good,” you agree. “12th and Maple?”

“Right. See you tonight. Maybe wear one of those outfits that your friend liked so much.”

The line beeps as he ends the call, and you drop your phone into your lap. 

“You’re not going,” Jim says.

“Yes, I am,” you argue.

“No, you’re not. We’re not letting you go off alone to meet an escaped serial killer!” Hondo adds.

“And I’m not letting him kill more women!”

“He’s going to kill anyway,” Jim says. “And he may try to kill you. Please, just trust us and don’t go meet him alone.”

“We’ll ask Hicks about setting something up,” Deacon offers. “Maybe no one else has to die.”

“Okay,” you agree. “But… I think I need some time. Can I take a little while this afternoon?”

“Of course,” Hondo answers. “As much time as you need.”

“I’ll take you home,” Street offers.

“Thank you, but I- I need to be alone right now.”

Street nods, and you lean back for the remainder of the ride to H.Q. You’re lying, but think Jim believes you. Deacon’s right, no one else is going to die at the hands of Noah Oliguria, and you’re going to make sure of that.

“East Ducasse Alley off 12th and Crocker,” you say to yourself as you drive through the garment district for your 8 o’clock meeting. 

You changed the meeting place to ensure your team couldn’t arrest Noah before you got answers. They think you’re at home right now, and the meet has been called off, but as you exit your car and walk into the alley, you wish you’d told them the truth.

“Jim Street,” Street says as he answers the phone. His attention is on the screen before him until the person on the other end of the line speaks.

“So, I’ve heard. You’ve got good taste in women, picked a fighter… I guess we’ll see if she’s strong enough to fight someone like me, huh?” Noah Oliguria taunts.

The call ends immediately after Noah finishes. Street pulls his phone away from his ear and stares at the screen. He hasn’t heard from you since you let him know you got home, and either Noah thinks the meet is still happening, or you lied.

He opens his tracker app that lets him see where your phone is. Because of your job and its risks, you agreed to let your entire team see your location, though you can turn it off whenever you want. Lucky for Jim, you never remember the ghost mode capability. He sees the small dot with your initials on it at the end of an alley in the fashion district and abandons what he was working on.

“Hondo!” he yells as he exits the situation room. “She went to meet Noah! They changed the location.”

“How do you know?” Hondo inquires.

“He called me. Said we’d found out how much of a fighter she really is.”

“20 Squad!” Hondo calls. “We’re rolling!”

Tan raises his arms in question, but when Luca sees the concern on Street’s face, he yells for everyone to get to Black Betty. Time is limited, but you are family, so they’ll risk everything to get to you.

Noah slides his phone into his pocket as you near him. You stop with several yards between you and cross your arms over your chest in the dirty alley.

“I’m here,” you say. “What now?”

“You remind me a lot of her,” Noah replies. “When she opened the door of her apartment, I knew she’d be special. Even after she got me caught, she stayed special. You know why?”

“I’m not here for a trip down memory lane,” you snap.

“She was special because she led me to you. I watched you move around her place so easily, and I couldn’t help but wonder what it would have been like if you’d walked in instead of her.”

“If you just brought me here to tell me that you want to kill me, I’m calling my backup to take you back to the cell you came from.”

“What backup? Your boyfriend Street was still at the station when I called. We’re alone, and we’ve got plenty of time for that trip down memory lane. I had to finish early because of your team once today, and I won’t let it happen again.”

Noah rushes toward you, and you bend your knees slightly to catch his shoulders before impact. He flips onto the ground and pulls you with him. As you fight for the upper hand, you see a knife, a gun, and something else under his shirt. He came prepared to kill you and to make it hurt. 

“You made another mistake,” you taunt as you kick him off of you. “I was never going to come alone.”

“Luca, a little faster!” Street yells.

“I’m going, Streeter,” Luca replies calmly. “We’ll get there.”

“We haven’t been ahead of him since the moment he walked out of that prison.”

“Street, you have to keep it together for her,” Deacon says. “If you go in there like this, you won’t be able to help anyone.”

“She thinks their blood is on their hands,” Street responds. “But if anything happens to her, it’s all on me. I let her go.”

“We all did,” Hondo adds. “But we’re in a position to help her before anything can happen. So, let’s keep it tight, stay liquid, and fight for our own.”

“30 seconds!” Luca alerts the team as he nears your location.

“Okay,” Street agrees. “Let’s do this.”

Noah’s knife falls from his waistband as he pulls you across the asphalt. You try to hide your yell of pain and use his own momentum to knock him over your head. Turning quickly onto your stomach, you begin to push yourself up before Noah moves the barrel of his gun into your face. You stop immediately, frozen on your hands and knees.

“I was right,” he says past a bloodied lip. “You’re putting up a better fight than her.”

“Then let’s keep going,” you reply.

“I don’t think so. Not here.”

Noah takes one hand from the gun and pulls a pair of handcuffs and a rope from his pocket. That’s what you couldn’t place earlier: the handcuffs. They look like they already have blood on them, and you wonder if it’s his or someone else’s. While he’s distracted and moving, you raise your hands and push his arms away from you. The gun falls to the ground, and you shove Noah backward and against the wall behind him.

He grunts before laughing, and you clench your jaw when you realize he closed one end of the handcuffs around your left wrist.

“I’m a fighter too,” he says lowly.

“You’re a coward with a gun,” you accuse.

“Don’t.”

“Or what?”

He kicks your shin, and your legs slide out from under you as you fall to the ground. With his knife retrieved from the ground, Noah steps back to look at you. Your gun is digging into your back, and you take the opportunity to tug against the handcuff. He’s standing on the other end, and as one hand moves beside Noah, you pull your gun from its holster. 

Noah steps back to your side and poises the knife above your chest. He raises it, prepared to plunge the blade between your ribs and debilitate you before he treats your death like a toy for his enjoyment until you break, and he has to replace you with another victim.

“Remember when I said you’d never kill me?” you ask. “I meant it.”

Noah’s face hardens as he tightens his grip on the knife. He raises it a touch higher, and just as he prepares to swing down, his eyes widen as a shot echoes in the empty alley. Noah drops the knife, and you ignore it as it lands on your stomach. His hand falls to the wound in his abdomen before he falls back. You tip your head back against the road and take a deep breath. Someone yells your name, and you sit up quickly with your gun still grasped tightly between your hands. The knife clatters as it falls from your movement, and you lower your weapon when you see Street running toward you. Hondo has his hand to his ear, likely calling for backup and an ambulance for Noah, who is still conscious and groaning in pain.

Street takes your gun and knocks the knife away from your side. He raises his gloved hands to your face and tilts your head gently as he searches your skin for any sign of injury. You hook your fingers over his wrists as you lean toward him.

“Jim,” you breathe out. “You came.”

He nods and you appreciate the silent promise that he will always come. Before you can think to ask, he retrieves a key from his pocket and removes the bloody handcuff from your wrist. He flips your hand to ensure the blood isn’t yours before giving you room to stand.

You lower your hands to the concrete and push yourself up while Street hovers beside you as you stagger with each movement. An ambulance approaches the end of the alley, but you don’t look toward Noah. He screams as Deacon applies pressure to his wound, and you turn toward Street.

“Get her out of here,” Hondo calls. “Hicks said she’s good to give her statement in the morning.” He looks at you to ask, “You good?”

“Can’t complain,” you answer. “Thank you.”

“Of course. Just give us a heads-up next time, would you?”

“No, we won’t have a next time,” Street adds.

You nod as Street leads you to your car. He takes the keys from your pocket and helps you into the passenger seat before climbing behind the wheel. You each have a lot to say, but he stays quiet as he navigates through LA and drives toward your home. 

Once you’re inside, changed, and comfortable in Jim’s arms, you have the space to talk and fall apart. He has a firm arm around your waist as the other holds your head against his shoulder. Your arms are wrapped over his shoulders as you breathe against him. You’re in pain, but nothing could make you separate yourself from Jim in this moment.

“I’m sorry I went without telling you. I’m sorry for going at all after you asked me not to,” you apologize against Jim's shirt.

Jim’s hand moves from your head to your back as he rubs comforting strokes against your spine. His hand slips under your shirt at the bottom, and you lean further against him with the unhindered contact.

“I’m not mad at you,” he promises. “Noah called me.”

“He told me he called you and you were at the station, so you weren’t coming. What’d he say to you?” you ask as you pull back to see Jim’s face.

“Basically, that he was going to hurt you. He said he was going to make you fight and see how good you really are. I… I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, listen. I don’t want to lose you, and that’s why I asked you not to go. Not because I don’t trust you or I’m scared of Noah, anything like that. But he was after you and I can’t bear the thought of losing you. I love you.”

“I know. I love you, too,” you reply softly.

“Then could you maybe try to act like it every once in a while?”

Street smiles, and your lips quirk up to match. You lean forward and kiss him, smiling against his lips as his hand travels across your back to bring you closer.

“I’ll remember that from now on,” you promise as you pull back. “And try not to do anything that could take me from you. I love you. I love you so much, Jim.”

“You know that none of this was your fault, right?” Street asks as he moves his hand from your hip to your cheek.

“Thanks to you, I do. You got me through today.”

“Kind of what I’m here for.”

“I see you chose sarcastic comments without me.”

“Well, you never answered the question.”

You shake your head lovingly and return to your previous position against Street’s shoulder. You love him, and you know he loves you; the comfort, reminders of what you mean to him, and how he treats you leave no room for doubt. Lying to him and risking your life, putting him in a place where he could lose you, wasn’t worth it.

“Can you say it again?” you ask, trailing a hand up Street’s chest and to his jaw.

“Say what?”

“You called me honey earlier.”

Street turns his face against your hand and leans into your touch as he says, “I love you, honey, and I’m going to tell you with every breath I have left.”

You smile shyly at the new pet name but take the opportunity to tease, “Hicks will love that.”

“Doesn’t matter, because I love you.”

Street pulls you into another kiss, and though you know life will never be easy, loving Jim Street is.

[unformula1]

drunk text, drunk call, drunk oscar (LS2 x OP81)

oscar only calls logan when he’s drunk. logan goes to get oscar, he overhears things he doesn’t want to.  w/c: 1817 day 45 of loscar posts until we get a loscar podium(series masterlist) masterlist | a/n: man i really should post more, also sorry if this is an inaccurate depiction of being drunk. this was not supposed to be this long.

Logan’s phone vibrates on the bedside desk, his ringtone playing softly. He sighs, almost grumbles before he sits up and grabs his phone.

oscar piastri🐨 is calling

Logan sighs and checks the time. 11pm, right on cue.

He picks up the phone and takes a deep breath before speaking.

“Hello Oscar.” Logan says, smiling, hoping the energy transfers correctly, “Where are you right now, and how many drinks have you had?”

“Oh hi…” Oscar says, his voice slightly slurred.

“Is Lando there? Alex, maybe?” 

“Nooo, I want you-” Oscar says before abruptly cutting to take a breath.

Oscar’s drunk. Of course Oscar’s drunk, Oscar only calls Logan when he’s drunk.

Logan lets out a chuckle, “No… Is anyone with you?”

“Uhm- Lando’s here, I think.” Oscar says with deep breaths, “But I really want you here…”

“No, no you don’t Oscar, you’re just drunk.” Logan says, his voice slightly cracking.

Of course he wished Oscar actually liked him, but Oscar was too good for Logan. Logan was just some nobody on the grid and Oscar was the grid’s golden child. 

“Logieeeeee….” Oscar pulls out the nickname, the old nickname.

Logan sighs.

“Osc. I need you to find Lando.” Logan says slowly.

“Lando calls me Osc too!” Oscar says cheerfully. Logan wipes the single tear that he shed. 

He didn’t even know he shed a tear, it just happened. Guess a lot of things just happen. Logan really missed Oscar, and he missed when Oscar would call anytime, not just when he was drunk or out of his mind.

“Yes…” Logan fakes a chuckle, “Find Lando please.”

“I don’t know where he is…” Oscar says, slurring more words, “Can you just come over…”

“I can’t. You know what, I think Alex is there.” Logan says, thinking out loud.

Oscar doesn’t respond.

“Yea,” Logan says, “Stay where you are Oscar.”

Logan hopes Oscar heard him and hangs up.

He’s immediately faced with their call log, which is once every few weeks, at 11pm or around there. All of them, just because Oscar was drunk.

He quickly closes it and calls Alex.

“Hey Alex, you’re at the party… thingy- whatever.” Logan asks, awfully happily.

“Yes, question is, where are you?” Alex says.

“Tired, in my room.” Logan quickly diverts, “Well, Oscar is there somewhere and drunk, please make sure he doesn’t die or anything.”

Alex chuckles, “Okay. I’ll find him, he’s probably with the rest.”

“Yea… yea. Cool.” Logan says.

“Mhm, I see him…” Alex says after a while.

“Great. So take good care of him, okay?” 

“Mhm, but why don’t you just come over, you could join the party too- I mean, win win.”

“Wasn’t invited, didn’t wanna go anyway!” Logan says, his voice crack betraying him once again.

“Really?”

“Gotta go!”

Logan hangs up before he gets a response, he instantly buries his face into the pillow, placing his phone back onto the bed-side table.

He screams into his pillow.

Yea, he wasn’t invited. That was the truth. The lie was that he didn’t want to go. Truth was he wanted to go.

Everyone was there, except Logan. What a loner Logan was.

Logan sighs and sits upright on his bed. He stares into the blank space, hating every detail of his life.

—

“Mate, where’s your teammate?” Lando asks, pointing at Alex.

“Uh…” Alex hesitates, “He’s tired.”

“From DNF-ing?” Lando comments and Carlos almost instantly smacks his shoulder.

“He’s drunk, sorry, he didn’t mean that.” Carlos quickly says.

Alex nods, “It’s all cool.”

Oscar is laid down next to Alex, well he’s not really laid, he’s just sprawled over the bench.

Alex whips his phone back out, opening Logan’s chat.

Alex: seriously, where are you.

—

Logan grunts, his phone chime snapping him back to reality. Okay, maybe that was for the better, his mind was spiralling.

He violently picks up his phone and opens the message.

Logan: my room Alex: you should come over Alex: its not too late

Logan’s fingers hover over the keyboard, he doesn’t know what to say. Going there would just be social suicide, no one would talk to him anyway.

Alex: everyone’s asking where you are Logan: mourning

Logan gives himself a small chuckle at his joke.

Alex: mateeee Alex: please just come over Alex: it’s like 5 minutes from the hotel Alex: pleaseeeee

Logan doesn’t know everyone on the grid really well, but he knows them well enough to know they don’t want him there.

Logan: it’s not like me being there would make any difference Alex: mateeee what are you sayingg Logan: would anyone talk to me Alex: oscar would Alex: he’s a lil eepy now though

Logan lets out a self depreciating chuckle.

Logan: he would only talk to me BECAUSE hes eepy Logan: he’d go back to lando after 2 seconds anyway Alex: dont say that Alex: just comeeee Logan is adamant about not going. Alex: oscar just asked me where you were Alex: what do i say

Logan scoffs and then sniffles slightly.

Logan: say i’m not there and he can talk to lando

A few seconds pass, which Logan assumes Alex is using to tell Oscar what he sent, or he’s telling Oscar that Logan was a bastard.

Alex: yea no he wants YOU Alex: so you should come over Logan: no. Alex: at least come to bring him back to his room Logan sighs. That wouldn’t hurt him, and would also give him an opportunity to talk to Oscar, even if he was slightly not present in the mind. Logan: fine. give me 10. Alex: yay!

Logan slips on a sweater, which he thinks looks half decent, slips on some shoes and quickly walks over to the bar.

—

He double checks the bar for the 3rd time before walking in.

He scans the crowd quickly and sees the whole bunch of them gathered around in a circle.

He swiftly makes his way over.

Logan finds himself walking in on a conversation which is most likely about him, none of them really notice he’s there yet.

“...and so, I’m just saying he should probably take a few weeks, or years, off!” someone (one of the driver’s friends, probably) says, his hands speaking more than his mouth.

Carlos notices Logan’s presence and whacks the person.

“I raise a point! Being slow is normal but being that slow is just not ok. DNF after DNF.” he repeats.

Carlos clears his throat violently.

“He’s not talking about you.” Carlos says to Logan.

The drivers look up and see Logan standing there. He’s still standing there stupidly, processing what he just heard. They all exchange glances, not sure how they were gonna save this situation.

Logan’s lost in thought. That was about him. They were talking about how Logan shouldn’t be in F1. 

Logan musters every remaining bit of strength in him to not break down, but to smile innocently.

Alex stands up, lifting Oscar up as well. Oscar groans before seeing Logan and waves.

Logan smiles and subtly nods to him.

“So you decided to come?” Lando says.

Carlos prepares his hand just in case he needs to whack Lando.

Alex answers for Logan, “He’s here to get this eepy Oscar out of here.”

“Really? Just that?” 

Logan nods.

“C’mon! Where’s the life in you? Just cuz you didn’t finish doesn’t mean you can’t join us.” 

Carlos facepalms and whacks Lando again.

Logan forces another smile.

A strong assumption to start.

“I’m just… tired.” Logan says.

The tension grows ever so slightly as each second passes.

Logan sighs. He knew coming here was a bad idea. His presence probably ruined whatever vibe they had going on.

“I’m- uh,” Logan points to Oscar, “Gonna take him and go.”

Oscar walks over to Logan and stumbles into him. Logan supports Oscar as they walk off.

“Way to ruin it.” Alex glares at Lando.

“What!? I didn’t mean any harm!” 

Alex rolls his eyes.

“Now he thinks we hate him.” Carlos says.

—

“Logie you came!!” Oscar says as Logan walks with him on the sidewalk.

Logan nods, he doesn’t know how long he can last before he tears up.

“I missed you!!” Oscar smiles and hugs Logan. The positions are awkward since they’re both walking.

“You’re very drunk.” Logan comments.

“Just a few drinks.” Oscar says.

Logan nods.

—

The duo eventually get to Oscar’s room. Logan slowly leads Oscar over to his bed and sets him down. 

Logan hesitates asking a question he has been keeping in his head, he’s not very sure if Oscar would even know.

“What…” Logan starts, which piques Oscar’s interest, “What did they say about me?”

Oscar takes a deep breath, “Uhm, I don’t know, it was pretty blurry.”

“Yea… that’s okay then…”

Logan’s mind can’t help but replaying what the person said about him, and everything else. Lando’s comments, his race, the different things he’s heard people say about him.

Logan’s too tired for it, he unknowingly starts tearing up.

“Aw. Why are you sad. I’m sorry.” Oscar says.

Logan snaps back and quickly wipes away his tears. 

“No- Nothing.” Logan quickly assures.

“I’m sure they all love you!” Oscar does his attempt at comforting.

Logan chuckles dryly.

Oscar pushes himself up and hugs Logan. Logan’s a little surprised but he hugs back shortly after, gripping tightly.

He doesn’t want this to end. He wants to stay here. He doesn’t want to wake up tomorrow and not have Oscar anymore. 

Everything would’ve been so much easier if he wasn’t such a shitty driver.

“I love you.” Oscar says.

Logan doesn’t know what to say, but he starts tearing up again.

He knows Oscar doesn’t mean that. He’s said it a million times, only when he’s drunk. 

Logan sniffles, “Yea… yea I like to think you do.”

Oscar doesn’t fully process that so he just continues hugging Logan.

It doesn’t take long before Oscar’s back to lying on his bed and about to sleep. He looks at Logan one last time as Logan smiles and leaves the room.

Logan gets back to his room quickly and there, he cries.

His back is pressed against his door as he slowly descends to the floor.

He presses the bottom of his palms onto his eyelids.

This isn’t fair. Nothing is fair.

His mind is just a mess of all the flashbacks, all the things he’s heard today.

Logan was trying his best to be better, he really was. He put his effort into everything, but nothing ever good came back. 

He’s not a bad driver, right? 

He can hear his sobs echoing in the room.

Oscar loves him, right?

He would like to believe that.

Oscar only called him when he was drunk, Oscar only said “I love you” when he was drunk. Every other day was as if Oscar never knew who Logan was.

He wanted everything to just be in his favour for once.

Logan begged for that.

[vashs-ass]

TRIGGER WARNING // SA

Analysis of Vash and His Assault in Trigun

Now that I’ve finally finished the manga, I want to discuss why I believe the fifth moon incident in Trigun is supposed to represent sexual assault. Apparently this interpretation is somewhat controversial so I’m going to go over how I see it. If you have a different interpretation that’s completely fine, I’m not trying to say one is more correct than the other.

One other thing I will preface this with, is that I do not think Knives canonically SAed Vash. I think the situation is supposed to be metaphor for sexual assault.

So anyways, why do I think it’s supposed to represent sexual assault and not physical assault? In my opinion, Knives’ main objective is not to physically hurt Vash, his goal is to force Vash into preforming non consensual acts.

The symbolism in fifth moon is very heavy handed. This is the first time we see Vash be assaulted. Knives is depicted as completely naked. Yes, there is an explanation for this in the plot but I do think it was a deliberate choice.

Prior to the fifth moon incident, Vash has no memories of what happened at July. This is unusual because Vash does not have a pattern of shutting out distressing events in his life. He’s able to remember his childhood and Rem’s death in great detail. So something about what happened was particularly disturbing and violating to Vash in a way he’d never experienced before. Even Knives notes that this is unusual, apparently expecting the incident would have ‘after effects’ for his brother.

During this initial discussion Vash begins to recall some of the memories of what happened, or rather, what he felt. He describes the feelings surrounding what happened as ‘something horrifyingly sick’.

Now we will get into the meat of things.

The visuals of the actual assault are horrifying. Nightow uses some great body horror to amplify the severity of what is happening to Vash’s body. During this assault, Knives is constantly grabbing at Vash’s body, forcing it to do what he wants. This one particular panel I don’t see talked about much really hit me in the gut, with knives standing naked between Vash’s legs. This is kinda what solidified everything for me.

Knives is almost always seen holding a hand over Vash’s eyes and his heart. This is a very intimate gesture and I think this can have a lot of different reads depending on who you ask. For me covering his eyes further takes away Vash’s control over what’s happening to his body, Knives’ hand clawing at his heart representing his desire to violate Vash’s very being and take it for himself. To possess him. To objectify him.

He asks Vash how it feels, and Vash can be seen sobbing in what I think is emotional agony rather than physical pain. Having this happen to him again seems to have triggered the memories he had tried to burry.

Other people have pointed out that the angel arm can be seen as a phallic symbol. I’m not really sure where I fall on this idea but I thought I’d mention it at least.

I will also point out one more instance of assault after fifth moon because this is not the only time Vash is assaulted by his brother

I think this takes place towards the middle of the manga if I remember correctly. This scene (to me) represents the ‘loss of self’ victims often feel as well as the physical aspect of sexual assault. Knives briefly attempts to force Vash’s body into his. He stabs Vash through his arm, pinning him down in attempt to ‘merge’ Vash with himself. When it doesn’t work he rips it out of Vash which seems to cause him horrific pain.

The fact Vash goes on to use his angel arm to save people later on in the story is very powerful. It was once a reminder of the violations he had endured but he reclaimed it as well as his bodily autonomy.

After this there are a few other more minor instances of Knives violating Vash, but I won’t get into those because I feel I’ve made my point. If you have anything to add I’d love to hear it!

[tixdixl]

"Happy 100th Anniversary" - Oisin's Platinum Jacket Vignette P3

Oisín: [We’ve come across a classic- the demi-god hero trying to reach out for the soul of his lover in the rivers of the Underworld.]

Riddle: If I remember correctly, when he removed his hands from the water, his hands had aged tremendously. Served him right… consequences for breaking the rules. 

Oisín: [You mean the properties of the river?]

Riddle: I suppose if you want to call it that. The dead cannot co-exist with the living. Those were the rules as depicted in the historical accounts and legends. 

Oisín: [>w>]

Riddle: …I don’t like that look. What are you thinking? You’re not going to try and disagree with me, are you?

Oisín: [No, no… It’s just got me wondering.]

Riddle: …what about?

Oisín: [Has there ever been something or someone in your life that you cared enough about that you would be willing to break or even defy the rules just to take care of them or have them in your life?]

Riddle, looking perplexed: What does that have to do with anything?

Oisín: [Well, that’s what this painting is depicting. The hero loved the maiden so much that he was willing to break the rules and plunge into the river of spirits to save her.]

Oisín: [Sure, he broke the rules. But he accepted the consequences because her life mattered more.]

Riddle: …I suppose when you put it that way, it does make him sound more heroic, doesn’t it? Or perhaps foolish might be a better word.

Oisín: [Perhaps, but I think it's possible for any person - human, fae, doesn’t matter- to care so profoundly that they are willing to stare the rules - even Death herself- in the face and say “So what?”]

Riddle: …I’m not sure I agree with that. I certainly wouldn’t.

Oisín: [...]

Oisín: [Call it a hunch, but I’m not sure I believe you. There’s really no one you care enough about that you would be willing to break the rules and accept the verdict? No one at all?]

Riddle: I– well… I-... I suppose you could say that I have done that before. But that was years ago–

Oisín: [-And you don’t think it would happen again?]

Riddle: …I suppose it could. My dormmates have really pushed me since the Unbirthday Party to loosen up.

Oisín: [And you struggle with that?]

Riddle: More than I’d care to admit, but I am… willing to try if it means my time with my friends is fruitful.

Oisín: [UwU Told you so.]

Riddle: Oh, buzz off!

Oisín: [If it came down to it, you would break the rules~]

Riddle: I said I’d be more lenient, not that I’d stare Death in the face and say “Do your worst!”

Oisín: [lol that’s fair. And in your defense-]

Riddle: Not that I need one.

Oisín: [-no one walks away from meeting Death and comes out the same person, totally unscathed and unchanged. And few are bold enough to stand down against her and refute her claims on their life.]

Riddle: Bold is too generous a word, frankly. Most people aren’t impulsive or rash enough to make such a foolish decision.

Oisín: [Maybe… and yet, there are those who are willing to abandon those fears, abandon reason, or even abandon everything they own if it means walking away from that chance in triumph. Many who are willing to sacrifice themselves, to offer up the only power and control they believe they have in their heart of hearts if only once more they could witness a glimpse of the unyielding joy and hold onto even a fraction of the warmth of their cherished one’s embrace.]

Oisín: [The fear of fleeting memory, that you might one day forget the sound of their laugh, the gleam in their eyes, the beat of their heart… It's an incredibly powerful fear. One that will drive even the most cowardly men to madness, and the bravest to their early demise.]

Riddle: …if I might be bold for a moment- you seem to really be enjoying this line of conversation. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so enthusiastic… I never imagined you would be someone to wax poetics like that.

Oisín: [^///^; uh… blame Rook?]

Riddle, squinting: uh huh. Sure.

…

Riddle: Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have places to be, and punctuality is key. I appreciate you taking the time to chat with me. I rather enjoyed it.

Oisín: [No problem, really! Thanks for walking with me.]

Oisín: [...there was another exhibit I wanted to see. It should be coming up soon.]

Oisín: [Aha!! OwO Found it]

Oisín: [Moments before his demise, the bumbling school teacher dances the night away with the woman of his dreams.]

Oisín: [Amazing how easy it is to lower your guard when you're in the presence of someone who you care so much about, even if the presence of Death lurks behind every corner.]

Oisín: [Only Death herself knows when she will call for you. And you will lose so much when the time comes for me to escort you there.]

~~~

Part 1

Part 2

Tag list: @ramshacklerumble @rainesol @elenauaurs @starry-night-rose @boopshoops

@cyanide-latte @blithesharem @theleechyskrunkly @thehollowwriter @inmateofthemind

@lumdays @the-trinket-witch @twstinginthewind

Lmk if you want added/removed

[dailydegurechaff]

fav light novel only characters? like not animated or drawn in the manga yet

So this has been in my inbox for a couple months now and I think I can finally confidently answer it bc I have a couple of characters who I wanna talk about.

Spoiler warning: Due to this ask being related to characters only seen in the light novel there’s going to be spoilers under the read more! I talk about content as far ahead as novel 11. I think we’re safe on stuff from 12 tho!

If you want a no-spoiler summary: Colonel Calandro (not depicted here), Counselor Conrad, and Major Joachim

OK SO,

I think the main two that I like the most and are LN-Only so far are Colonel Calandro from Ildoa, who is the observer that ends up attached to the Salamander/Lergen Kampfgruppe on the eastern front and Counselor Conrad, the imperial diplomat that Lergen talks with a lot.

In Calandro’s case, he’s introduced I believe as early as book 6, so I think he’s probably the one of my favorites who is most likely to be in season 2, so I hope Studio Nut does well by him with a good design. In the sketches above, I decided against trying to make a design for him because 1) I got no ideas man and 2) I think (hope) he might show up in the anime soon so I’d like to hold off on drawing him until there’s an official one.

Anyway, a lot of his scenes are great when he’s attached to the Kampfgruppe. If I recall correctly, there’s this scene in one of the books (Book 7?) where he’s talking to Tanya as she’s making preparations to bombard what is obviously a church and he’s like “What are you doing? Isn’t that a war crime?” And Tanya just goes “No, no, it’s fine. They’re not openly displaying anywhere that this is a building used for religious purposes and even if they were, the other side hasn’t signed that treaty so it’s not like we have to adhere to it if they won’t.”

It’s such a funny scene. Tanya’s like, “Oh he’s concerned that we’re committing a crime. I should assuage him by telling him not to worry, we’ve managed to legally justify it.” And instead of any relief he’s just like “Oh my god what the fuck is wrong with them? Why would they ever think to circumvent treaties like this?”

They're funny as hell together and Tanya’s constant griping that she has to babysit him is so good, I hope we get to see it.

Also also a good scene with him is from the end of LN11 where Lergen calls him in the middle of the night, demanding to speak to him because it’s of vital importance. That ensuing conversation where Lergen’s basically like “I can’t say who’s calling, but you recognize me from the sound of my voice, right? Something’s going to happen. I’m really sorry, I can’t say anything more. Please just remember that I called, okay?” I’m so sorry… but it’s giving ‘Tragic Lovers Doomed To Breakup By Circumstances They Can’t Control’ vibes.

It is now my firmly set headcanon that Lergen and Calandro were lovers throughout and in spite of the war and when the time came for Lergen to choose whether to betray Calandro or his country, he chose to betray Calandro, something he feels immensely guilty about. I know it isn’t what Carlo Zen was trying to convey at ALL, but unfortunately that’s what I got from it. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk, moving on.

I guess next up is Counselor Conrad, the Empire’s diplomat who we first meet in LN10 I think? If we don’t get any content of him, I’ll literally cry. Depending on how far season 2 gets us in the story, we may not end up seeing Conrad and that’s so sad to me. There is a scene from LN10 that I absolutely need adapted into the anime. It’s like 160ish pages in. It’s that scene where Tanya, Lergen, and Conrad are talking with each other and Conrad turns to Lergen and gestures at Tanya and says “How did you raise this?” and Tanya’s like “????”

There is another scene where Lergen describes Conrad as handsome, and because of these two scenes, the delusional headcanon has sprung up that these two eventually end up in a relationship and Tanya is their daughter. I’ve mentioned it in another post. A friend of mine actually talks about Conrad (& Lergen and Tanya) in more detail in her post here. And hey, while I’m recommending posts about Conrad, look at all of these too okay?

Conrad actually has an official design in the novel artworks, so I based my above sketch around that. Here are the few canon images we have of him. Interestingly, in the text he's described as having blue eyes at some point, but the colored version we have has them as brown. These drawings come from Books 10 & 11 I believe?

Ok, last one, for minor characters, there’s Major Joachim who we meet around the end of LN11, who becomes Lergen’s subordinate. I think the best way to describe him is that he’s kind of a boyfailure in the way that Grantz is (that is to say before Grantz got some character development and became somewhat competent). He’s a cutie, I do hope we get some scenes of him.

I did actually do a little sketch of Joachim as we saw above. That one for some reason just came to me very easily, unlike Calandro. Here was my prelim sketch idea:

And I think that’s about it for now. If you note that all of these characters are in some way related to Lergen, um… Well, I can’t help myself really. We know by now he’s one of my favorites so I like characters associated with him too.

[imagionationstation]

So I was watching Knights of the Zodiacs and idk it made me think what if the turtles were like…reincarnation of gods? Idk

Anyways, this is what I’d personally assign -

Leo - Athena. Raph - Ares. Donnie - Apollo (god of knowledge and all that) or Hephaestus. Mikey - Hermes.

I also spun a wheel to let it decide. So much funnier and more interesting.

Leo - Hermes. Raph - Aphrodite (did you know Aphrodite was also a war goddess?). Donnie - Artemis. Mikey - Demeter.

I think it’s fun, you don’t have to respond lol

I play with Greek/Roman history sometimes so I know enough to recognize the gods and their tempers/hobbies/interests.

If they were recarnations, how much of them would remain? Or would they still have the turtles personalities? Would they still have their powers or some variations of them…?

Never seen Knights of the Zodiacs so I have zero frame of reference for the thoughts that you are having. It’s making my train of thought stop at multiple stations despite its desire to chug on.

(Edited due to minor confusion)

Lemme see…

Athena: Goddess of the wisdom and warefar, a leader and very into tatics and strategies, strong views and she was very big about honor, truth, and justice.

Sounds like Leo. Checks out.

Ares: The god of war, very into all kinds of violence. It gives him a bad reputation bc, yk, obvious reasons. He can also be considered the god of courage depending on where you look. He’s not necessarily on anyone’s side as long as violence happens.

He and Athena are often depicted as frenemies, with them fighting often, probably because he likes war for the sake of war and she fights in wars with purpose.

Interesting take on Raph. I can work with that.

Apollo: The god of quite a few things. I remember prophecy and archery in that lineup. Music and poetry was in there too. He also emulates Athena’s beliefs in justice and peace. If I’m recalling correctly, he could also be passionate/emotional and tended to have some jealous streaks.

Yeppers. Sounds like the boy but with a musical flare <3

Hermes: The god of speed and travel/luck. He’s a tricky, mischievous boy with the best intentions. He’s bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and only lives to do as he pleases. He’s very fast, very annoying (to the other gods), and very sneaky. I think he’s also a protector of travelers/wandering souls. He’s genuinely a good, silly guy.

Mikey in a nutshell right there. I think we’re on the same page here.

Other than the fact that I, again, have not seen Knights of the Zodiacs. Sincere apologies.

There’s a whole lot that goes into them being gods, tho.

Do they keep all their powers? ‘Cause mythological gods tend to be overpowerful creatures and overpowerful creatures are no fun.

I want to beat the turtles up. Make them suffer and bond. How do I do that when they have few weaknesses??

What if- they have powers, but they have mutant forms now. So they have the weakness that come with mortal bodies. It’s harder to unlock and use their powers. And it’s really annoying because they have to shift between struggling to use the powers and randomly unlocking them mid-battle, only to find them locked later.

#The Struggle Is Real

I wish I could draw. I have some images on the brain that I’d love to share but sadly my talents do not extend so far.

[avocado-ramen]

My Tybalt Exposition

I read somewhere (likely on Twitter, but no guarantees) about people getting really upset with the depiction of Tybalt in the two most recent October Daye novels (Sleep No More and The Innocent Sleep) which cover the same events, one from October's POV, the other from Tybalt's. This is the first time there's been another narrator in the October Daye series outside of short stories/novellas.

That original poster said that while they saw Tybalt's behaviour as problematic in Sleep No More, they had hoped that The Innocent Sleep, since told from his point of view, would clarify matters and perhaps 'redeem' his character. They went on to say that The Innocent Sleep made it much worse, and (I am completely paraphrasing here, I read this weeks ago and no longer have those posts available for reference) that Tybalt was basically abusive trash. If I recall correctly, they toed the line with calling the author a DV sympathizer/apologizer, but it was a near thing.

Even if I remembered where that original post was, I wouldn’t link to it, because I don’t want to bring attention to what they said, nor do I want to risk people piling onto them as is common when people feel like an IP they love is being attacked in any way. I’d rather just make an entirely too long post explaining my own views, and possibly rambling too much and make no sense – because that’s what I do. 😊

As I’ve now finished The Innocent Sleep, I felt the need to get some thoughts down to address some of the things brought forward in that post/thread/whatever I read just after The Innocent Sleep was released.

The author: people need to realise that these books are FICTION. The bonus of writing fiction is that you can safely explore troublesome parts of humanity and society without actually agreeing with those troublesome things.

A significant portion of the books I read have murder happening either on page or off screen in the first few pages because the mystery of a dead body gives the protagonist something to do. Do I think these authors all believe that people should be able to go around killing each other just for fun? No. So why on earth would people think an author including any other kind of violence in their work approves of that violence? This could be it’s own post, and many others have made this point much better than I ever will. Tybalt’s behavior in Sleep No More: We are seeing Tybalt through October’s eyes. Sure, we as readers are privy to the previous 16 books worth of information (even more if we’ve read all the shorts and novellas), but at this point in time, October doesn’t know Tybalt. She’s never seen a Cait Sidhe. She doesn’t know anything about them aside from what Titania’s illusion tells her. From this framing, Tybalt comes across as brash, angry, controlling, and violent. He has a tendency to storm off if things aren’t going his way. To October, Tybalt’s behaviour is completely out of line, and she’d be correct – from everything she knows at this point. Tybalt’s behaviour in The Innocent Sleep: One thing people need to remember before they start applying present-day human morality to Tybalt is that he is not human. At all. He’s fae. Cait Sidhe. He is both a cat and a humanoid, but he is not, and has never been, human. One of the things the author has reiterated time and time again is that both the fae as a whole, and Cait Sidhe specifically, live by an entirely different set of rules than humanity does. Titania hates the Cait Sidhe because she believes they are beasts and below the perfection of her other descendant lines like the Daione Sidhe. As much as Titania is the villain, she’s not entirely wrong. First and foremost, the Cait Sidhe are cats. When backed into a corner, they’re going to lash out. If they’re stressed, or hurt, etc., they’re going to lash out. It’s what they do. I have the scars from my own cats to prove it.

Tybalt knows he is barely in control of his emotions. He freely admits that, and the fact that he at times needs to walk away before he lashes out and does something he’ll regret, which I feel is smart and responsible of him.

Tybalt’s attack on Ginevra in the throne room in Golden Shore is excessive. And it’s meant to be. It’s completely unexpected and jarring in Sleep No More when seen from October’s point of view. In The Innocent Sleep, being in Tybalt’s head, while still a severe overreaction to a situation he wasn’t paying attention to and therefore didn’t have full context of, it is completely in line for how a) a cat would react, and b) how a Cait Sidhe king would react when they believe someone has attacked/injured/wronged someone that ‘belongs’ to them. Does that make it right? No. And Tybalt himself shows as much shame as his position allows when he sees Ginevra at dinner. Do I think Tybalt is an abusive asshole that needs to be shunned, killed off, or whatever other over the top reaction people have had? No. And no, that doesn’t mean I approve of his behaviour or think he should face no repercussions. But context means a lot. I can see when his behaviour is completely in character for his species and title, while also admitting when he’s crossed a line. The benefit of an ongoing series is that it is quite possible that Tybalt will face the fallout of his behaviour in Book 19, or even further. I don’t expect everything to be wrapped up in a perfect bow at the end of each book. None of the characters in these books is perfect (with the exception of Spike, Cagney, and Lacey), and if the author can foreshadow some of the things we’ve seen in Book 16 way back in Book 1, then we can believe she’s got plans for them for Book 19 and beyond.

This is the same author that took one of the most loathsome characters and made me want to wrap him in wool and protect him at all costs (ok, I still want to shake him now and again), to the point that I named my new kitten after him. Please, admire Simon “The Tiny Terror”.

[mad-c1oud]

the "I could keep you safe. they're all afraid of me" or "do you feel safe enough to come with me?" for starcicle....these are already so juicy for etoiles to say but also there is something so intriguing about scenarios where charlie is the one saying it..... maybe these ideas would be fun to write?

YEAHHHHH no way you looked at the same one as me and also thought "oh but charlie saying this..." it's like you read my mind. Gonna write about one here, but expect to see the other in a regular text post because oh man they are so fun to write...

Feel free to ask for more prompts yall!!!

+++++

(Warnings for depictions of serious injuries and shock)

"Do you feel safe enough to come with me?"

Étoiles startles out of his panicked-induced scrambling to stop and look at Charlie, eyes wide and breath stuttering in his chest. Everything is blurry but he still has his mask on so he isn’t sure what’s going on. “W-what?”

Charlie is unharmed save for a nick above his eyebrow which means Étoiles did his job correctly, but the fighter himself has been better, sure. The slime hybrid eyes his sluggishly bleeding wounds, stopping to blanch at where his hand should be before his eyes shoot back up and lock with Étoiles’ again. The next time he speaks, it isn’t as meek or unsure, “Do you feel safe enough to come with me? I-I think we’re near a cave system I recognize. Somewhere we can hide until we can uh…” He gestures vaguely to where the fighter is cradling his severed limb to his chest protectively, “Address that? Neither of us can go back outside like this, man.”

God, Étoiles hates that he’s right. There’s sticky chlorophyll dripping onto to ground from his wrist and there’s a suspiciously wet spot growing along his side that can’t be good. He’s down one hand, his scythe is still outside with at least four code monsters hovering about. He can’t respawn unless he wants to risk not being able to regrow his hand back later, fuck. They’re stuck in this cave Charlie dragged Étoiles into when he fell and he kind of hates it. Not Charlie, just being stuck. Useless.

“Listen, I know we don’t really know each other well and you’ve heard the rumors which are actually more fact than rumors I guess but I mean I had some pretty good reasons for—”

“Slime.”

“Okay okay sorry, what I’m trying to say is can you trust me this once? You’re kind of missing a hand and an eye and it’s really freaking me out, dude. Would you come with me? The codes can wait, surely?”

Non, ils ne peuvent pas attendre, Étoiles wants to protest before he registers what exactly Charlie said. He refuses to let go of his sword, bringing up his handless wrist to touch his cheek, wincing at the sharp, biting pain it causes. It’s amazing neither he nor Charlie gags at the sensation or sight, but Charlie must not find it gross and Étoiles is realizing he might be in shock. Weird. That doesn’t usually happen.

“Étoiles?” Charlie steps forward hesitantly, bringing his hand up, but stopping before it makes contact with his elbow. The sounds of fighting get louder outside and he starts to tremble, just a little. “You with me buddy?”

“Ouais,” Étoiles mummers, “You said my name wrong.” He notes distantly, grip on his sword lax. Charlie steps more into his space but doesn’t touch him yet.

“Whoops, maybe you can teach me how to on the way to my super-secret hidey hole, yeah? What do you say? Feel like walking with a misclicker?”

Étoiles should be on guard right now, especially when he’s down a limb and an eye but there’s something… comforting to Charlie’s tone, reassuring enough that has him sheathing his sword and grabbing for the offered hand, squeezing it tightly as Charlie beams.

“The ‘s’ is silent.” He mummers as Charlie urges him forward. Chatter from the hybrid fills the cave as he grips Étoiles’ hand with one of his, the other clutching a shitty, iron axe with the other. He forgets to worry about the code and finds it easier to breathe despite the cold, dark walls surrounding them.

He finds it easier to laugh too.

[babyspacebatclone]

This is in regard to this post, and became a monster so I’m putting it in a new post to save the other thread’s op.

Yes, I will agree with part of this version of your post:

There is no reason Catra should have remained as static as she did throughout canon; other media has provided excellent templates on how it could have been achieved.

But I am going to fiercely argue against the mentality fueling your reasons why.

This rant got long, so there’s going to be a cut.

It’s also stream of consciousness, so please bear with me.

@1023sstuff or anyone else willing to ask for clarifications of points, please do.

I’m not going to hold a single person responsible for Season 5 making air in the state it did, because television is never made in a vacuum by one single individual.

But here’s someone I’d put more blame about SPoP reaching air in the state it did instead of Nate.

(we’re talking single digits of percentage, but it’s still more)

Chuck Austen was co-showrunner on SPoP from season 2 onwards, according to Wikipedia.

He was in his late 50s when he started work on SPoP for season 2, and had two other notable television projects under his belt at that time, including being one of the producers for Season 1 of Steven Universe.

Nate, on the other hand, was not prepared for being a showrunner.

Having read his Memoir “The Fire Never Goes Out” makes that abundantly clear, with the tiny hints he let himself be honest about.

And the lack of honesty was, in my interpretation, entirely fueled by his feelings of guilt and imposter syndrome, feeling obligated to fulfill the giant dreams of catching lightning in a bottle that had been placed on him, from a job offer that I’m sure everyone was telling him he was insane to reject.

I fully expect Dreamworks didn’t want Nate to make the next Steven Universe, by the way.

I think they wanted him to make the next My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

Nate was not prepared for that.

Let alone at that time of his own self-healing and understanding.

Remember: this is before he transitioned, and if I was reading the timeline of the memoir correctly he didn’t get his bipolar disorder diagnosis until part way through SPoP.

Nate, by all evidence I have, was not in a position to make a healthy depiction of recovery from abuse.

Because he, himself, was still learning what recovery meant for him.

This is not to say I 100% blindly believe Catra’s “on a silver platter, undergo extreme trauma get redemption for free” arc wasn’t wish fulfillment for Nate.

Because I don’t know him.

But I also wouldn’t be surprised if people who do know him do believe that.

Nevertheless…

That’s the story of one person, swimming in trauma, and that last part I can say with full confidence.

That explains some of Catra’s arc, and a fair bit of the snowball that came afterwards.

But that does not explain Season 5 making it to air.

Someone.

Should.

Have stopped this.

Someone should have supported Nate, helping ease the burden of being showrunner.

I don’t know if no one did, although Chuck Austen coming on board strongly suggests people at Dreamworks did try.

I do not know how much Chuck knew of Nate’s fears regarding the show (which I am extrapolating here, and I could be wrong), let alone how much he did do to help Nate.

I am not blaming Chuck for not helping Nate in a manner I want, because I don’t know what went on and besides Chuck isn’t a therapist and doesn’t deserve to be put in that position.

I strongly, strongly suspect people with money wanted to ride the Catra train for clout, and their dollars won over the dollars of people who didn’t want a huge lesbian romance in a cartoon on their resume.

And I suspect those people, fueled by past successes such as Avatar and Steven Universe and MLP: FiM pushed for Nate to be able to achieve his vision.

And people who knew better should have stopped that.

And it didn’t happen.

And I don’t know who to blame, because I was not there.

I don’t even blame Chuck, I repeat in all honesty, because I can’t see how a guy of his background could have made a difference.

But I’d still place the showrunner with 25+ more years of life experience and any experience in creating television as more (single digits of percentage) responsible for Season 5 making it to air in the state it was than the under 30 year old uncloseted trans man who was mere years into treatment for bipolar disorder.

I want a world where someone other than Nate was responsible for crafting the timeline and events of Catra’s redemption arc.

But I do not fucking blame Nate for us living in this one as though it was his intention all along.

Now, if Nate still thinks Season 5 was acceptable in 2040 as a 50 year old, then I’ll had different opinions.

[thesupreme316]

darius martin x female reader??? the reader helps darius through a panic attack??

You're Okay (Darius Martin x Fem!Reader):

Word Count: 765

Supreme Speaks: hey yall hope yall are okay. thanks to @hooks-martin for the request and per usual sorry for taking so long. the relationship between darius and the reader is completely up to you (platonic or not). lemme also say that if anyone is struggling with anxiety or panic attacks i truly hope everything gets better. plz note that you are loved and appreciated.

Warnings: trigger warning - depiction of a panic attack, object falling and shattering, prolly not proofread

Taglist: @hooks-martin @sheinthatfandom @wwenhlimagines @hookerforhook

I think with Darius this would be his first one in a while or like it would be something that is foreign to him

Like his friends have experienced it before, but he hasn’t experienced one first hand

I need everyone to understand that different things can cause panic attacks; it truly depends on the person and their situation (mentality, physically, emotionally, environment, etc.)

And sometimes if you don’t experience something in a while, your body and mind might try to go in autopilot but it doesn’t land correctly (if that makes sense)

I don’t think he’ll know how to react

At first, Darius will think he’ll need air and he’ll step into his room or just away from you (so you don’t see him worry)

But then it goes from 0 to 100 real fucking quick

He’ll start pacing around, fighting back tears, and starts hyperventilating

Eventually, Darius will catch your attention with something hitting the floor

“Darius?” You called out to him from down the hall. You two were watching wrestling before he got up and left to go get something. After no response, you pause the show and started to walk towards his room. “Dude, you good?” You opened his door to find him curled up in a ball, shaking, and with tears down his face. There was a shattered vase next to him. You immediately left to get him some water.

Putting the water down, you guided him over to his bed (carefully avoiding the shattered vase), helping him sit on the edge. He just kept constantly shaking his hands while you whispered words to calm him. Darius opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t say a full sentence with crying and stuttering. “You’re okay, you’re safe.” You repeated, giving him water. He started to take slow sips from the plastic cup. “Do you need me to call someone?” Darius shook his head no as you rubbed his back.

You two just sat in silence with you whispering to Darius how he’s safe and that everything is okay. After he drank enough water and stopped shaking, you instructed him through some breathing exercises; forcing him to take deep breathes. During the silence, you decided to ask, “What happened?”

He sighed and took a deep breath before responding, “While we were watching wrestling, my mind just thought back to my injuries and how I wasn’t able to perform. I felt like a failure. And then my mind went down a rabbit hole of an injury happening again and how I’ll let people down again. I just felt like I was losing control of my life and mind. It felt like something was genuinely happening to my body just then.” He wiped his tears away.

Darius was just cleared to come back to the ring after being out for months regarding another injury. It’s scary trying to make a comeback from an injury, especially when he already had an injury the year prior. So it broke your heart to hear that he’s feeling this way. “Darius, you could never be a failure, especially to me. You are a very talented individual. Things happen in life that produces setbacks, but don’t ever feel like you are failure. You’re okay, you are killing the business right now. I’m so proud of you.” You paused before asking, “Was that your first panic attack?”

“Yeah, that felt so scary.”

“They can be, they really come out of nowhere. But if you want, we can try to find remedies and techniques to combat them so you’re not feeling so overwhelmed.”

Darius nodded his head, “So what do we do now?”

“You drink more water and we can either talk about your feelings more or we can distract you with other things. It’s up to you.”

“The second option.” He said before giving you a hug, “Thanks so much for being here with me.”

Embracing him back, you said, “That’s what I’m suppose to do.” You slowly backed away and got up. You stepped around the pieces of the vase. “I’m gonna get a broom to sweep this up.”

“Sorry about that.” He said sheepishly.

“It’s fine. It was an ugly vase anyways.” You joked.

“Hey!” Darius exclaimed.

“You know it’s true!” You said before leaving the room to get a broom.

Darius looked down at the vase and quietly said, “Yeah, it was.”

But something that isn’t ugly is the friendship (or relationship) that you two have.

And unlike that vase,

the bond between you two will never break.

[randomnameless]

Thinking about something with the Adrestian titles and Houses -

We know from Nopes’ books how House Varley had two roles, the head of House Varley and to be the Minister of Religion.

Ditto for House Bergliez, it is supposed to be an important House in itself, but the current Head of House Bergliez is also the Minister of the Military.

Leopold had two sons, the eldest one we never see is set up to be the next Head of House Bergliez, but in Nopes, Leopold gives Jar- I mean, the holy weapon to Caspar, calling him the next generation of Bergliez warrior. In CF, he is ultimately appointed to be Minister of War.

Also, if I remember correctly, one day an Aegir became PM, and then said Aegir made PM an inheritable charge??

The Book from the Library about Imperial nobility is interesting on that topic :

A house of counts that has inherited rule over the Empire's domestic affairs, particularly those relating to administration, finance, and the judiciary. 

A house of counts that has inherited rule over the Empire's Ministry of Military Affairs. 

A house of counts that has inherited rule over the Empire's Ministry of Religion, whose main responsibility is to maintain amiable relations with the Church of Seiros 

A house of dukes that has inherited rule over the Empire's Ministry of the Exterior. 

Ergo, from what I can gather, Adrestia had several roles and positions that were, in theory, accessible to all “Prime Minister”, “Minister of Religion/Head of the Southern Church”, “Minister of War”, “Minister of Finances” etc but those positions ultimately came to be locked to families : on paper everyone can become the “Minister of War”, but in reality, it’s always a Bergliez who has that title.

And at the time that book was written, the title of “Ministry of the Exterior” etc became something that is inherited.

What does it mean ?

I guess that from a system where people became nobles and received titles based on their engagement, knowledge and will to serve the people, Adrestia ultimately became the current hereditary one - you will get a title if you are born as the son child if the current person who is holding that title.

But it’s actually surprising how we don’t hear more about intrafamilial feuds - bar the Varley one that led the Empire to kick the Southern Church away - take the Bergliez current situation.

Leopold calls Caspar, in their Nopes paralogue, the next great warrior of House Bergliez, so Caspar would most likely get the title of Minister of War from him (something Supreme Leader gives him in the CF endings). But Caspar’s brother is still the Head and Leader of House Bergliez, so what happens next when each of them has a kid? Would Caspar’s kid have a right or a claim on House Bergliez, or could Caspar’s nephew/nieces could become Ministers of War, or is it something only reserved to his own children?

This is also where Bernie’s story doesn’t make any sense, unless we assume Grégoire is completely stupid - Bernie is, afaik, Grégoire’s only child. He planned for her to marry Ferdie, thus to become part of the Aegir family (or maybe he wanted to merge their two families?) but if Bernie becomes Ferdie’s wife, then who would inherit Varley’s two titles - Head of House Varley and Minister of Religion?

In a way I think the way Adrestia was depicted, it’s actually a good thing the BE gang don’t have siblings, unless mentionned, otherwise the lack of political drama might have been even more glaring that it is now.

And yet, right now, we are still supposed to believe a dynasty that has spanned for 1100 years as the ruling force of the most powerful state on the continent has no heirs - not even bastards or branch families - save for one person?

Meh.

[supernaturallyliterate]

Percy Jackson & The Olympians Ep 5 thoughts

(From a book reader. Spoilers for episode 5 and the book ahead)

SPOILERS AHEAD

THE THRILL RIDE O LOVE. Was as cringy as I thought it would be, as it should be. Not sure why it depicted Hephaestus’ story except for it being a way to contextualize him. But as a cringey love themed ride? Nope, doesn’t make sense

Hephaestus showing up in person to Annabeth? I have mixed feelings about. I think it was a good moment theme wise to show that not all the gods are cut throat and backstabbing. But I wanted Annabeth to figure it out. Yes I liked her speech about not wanting to be like her mom. Yes it’s good character development. But it happens too quickly and too directly for my liking

I love that Percy’s water abilities are so chaotic right now and he directly says “yeah I’m figuring it out as I go”. Yes, seaweed brain, you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing and it’s amazing. You’re doing great sweetie

SEAWEED BRAIN. THE FIRST APPEARANCE. interesting that it’s in the context of her being vulnerable with him. The first instance in the book (if I remember correctly) was her legitimately picking on him, and then it later turned into bashful and loving name calling

The slow burn was burning this episode. So much growth. THE HUG AT THE ST LOUIS ARCH

omg Smelly Gabe’s tv appearance, his concern over the camero, framing Percy as a troubled kid who hurt his mom = fabulous, 10000/10. I want the scene of Percy taking to the news like “I know by dad wants to give away free appliances… cuz he just cares so much.” *fake cries*

Grover’s convo with Ares. Iconic. I like this. This Grover is much more confident than book Grover is at this stage. Boom one Grover was shaking in his custom insert sole flying shoes. Tv Grover is calculating and prying for info from the God of fucking war and twitter battles (loved that aside)

I do not necessarily like the changes to the Waterland / thrill ride o love. I may change my mind once I see non-book readers POVs and everyone’s analysis. But right now I don’t see it

I don’t like that Grover “found out” who the lightning thief is this early. Granted we don’t know if his guess is correct. But. Also. How did he jump to the conclusion that Ares had already caught the thief? What am I missing?

Okay also WHAT I LOVED ABOUT THAT CONVO is how Grover played into Ares’ hubris. And how it foreshadows Percy v Ares. The no death quick surrender wars he mentioned. Foreshadow to Ares backing down in his fight vs Percy on the beach

Okay but I do love Annabeth saying “I’m not leaving the underworld without your mom.” And how concerned she is

GIRL IS FALLING HEAD OVER HEELS IT IS ALL OVER HER FACE. The hug at the archway. The refusal to let him sacrifice himself AGAIN without protest. Makes me wonder how their relationship with develop in the show

The zoo truck yesss I am glad it’s still there

Zoo truck going to Lotus casino is an acceptable streamlined change

Hermes being at the casino? Uh, why?

They’ve met so many gods now. Dionysus. Ares. Hephaestus. Plus they’re going to meet Hermes and Hades and Poseidon. That’s half the main pantheon. So quickly?? And so much direct engagement with their quest?? In the books, I know they meet Aphrodite. But they don’t meet Hephaestus until much later.

So many thoughts so little time. Part 2, maybe?

[alicent-apologist]

I’m so conflicted over whether or not I want to watch season 2. On one hand, Daeron the Daring is my favorite Targaryen and one of my favorite characters of all time in Martin’s works. I was so upset that he wasn’t it season 1 and I’d love to see him leading the army in Oldtown in season 2. On the other, just the thought of Blood & Cheese makes me sick and I don’t think I could stomach watching it. ASOIAF, Fire and Blood, and GOT all have lots of gruesome scenes but besides what happened to Elia Martell and her children, I honestly think that Blood & Cheese is one of the most horrific things to happen.

I see the arguments for both sides ( green and black) and why both sides feel they have a claim to the throne but I feel like the writer’s bias for the black faction is kinda obvious. I’d like a more neutral depiction show casing how both sides made decisions that almost destroyed a dynasty and made innocents all over the realm suffer for generations. I’m also not sure how they’re going to pace it and if there’ll be a lot of confusing time skips like season 1.

What are your thoughts?

Blood and Cheese is so viscerally repulsive and horrifying, I hope it's almost impossible to watch. If it isn't, it's a huge disservice to one of the most awful, depraved acts of the Dance. That being said, I'm what people would tactfully call 'sensitive' and I'm not sure that I'll be able to watch that scene without sobbing and I'll probably only ever be able to watch it the once, if at all. There's nothing wrong with skipping the scene and watching the rest of season 2 though, if you'd like to watch it! I am also very much looking forward to seeing Best Boy Daeron and I will be cheering like an excited chimpanzee when he first comes on screen!

I do think the show is quite biased towards the blacks and it's a source of frustratiom for me. I came into House of the Dragon hating House Targaryen and not a Dany fan. I am still both of those things but now I know more about House Targaryen than I ever thought I would. My point is that I'd never read Fire and Blood and had no idea what happened in the Dance. And I saw how Alicent was treated so so unfairly by the narrative and the general public almost from the get go. And I felt like I was going insane because she was an exploited teenager??? And the vitriol she was receiving was staggering. All this to say, the bias towards team black is very obvious, even to someone like me who didn't even know anything about how the story was going to go for the vast majority of season 1.

The pacing is a worry for me, because GRRM packed so much into 2 years (while the Anarchy lasted around 18 years if I remember correctly) and I don't know how they're going to fit all of it into what, two seasons? However, seeing as the Dance does take place over two years, I'd be very surprised if they had any big time jumps!

Sorry, this got quite long!

[shipsgaysfordays]

Uncertainty Meeting

So, this is chapter 2 of my fic but in Sirius’ POV, honestly I hadn’t remembered some of the batshit crazy things I had written until I was copying them into this chapter and like damn it’s insane

Does include the uncertainty prompt from @wolfstarmicrofic

CW: graphic depiction of violence

Links to other chapters here

Reminder that Remus’ pronouns for this fic are they/them, Sirius’ are ze/zis/zer/zhe/zeir/zey

Also fuck JKR and the rhetoric that she spouts that’s transphobic, homophobic, racist, antisemetic, and if I’m forgetting anything else then I’m deeply sorry

“We need to meet. I need to tell you something, the time is finally right. Meet at our old hang out spot , the one you always hated, I’m sorry but it’s the only one I could trust going to. I’ll wait as long as you need.”

Sirius left the note on the sidewalk, hoping that somehow Remus would find it, they always seem to be on the lookout so they probably would…right? 

Happy that soon zey would finally see zis love again, but still terrified for what would come next, zey trekked back to where it all started. Trains, buses, hikes, all the way to that grungy shack that felt more like home to Sirius than Grimmauld ever did. 

Despite how much simpler things would be to meet up at Mary’s apartment, there was still a fear about how Remus would feel finding out about all of this in Mary’s home, especially with them finding out about Mary and Sirius communicating. They already had trust issues, this would probably destroy any trust left if it isn’t handled correctly. 

And so Sirius waited, going through the plan over and over again with James and Lily. Redoing the silencing spell every once in a while just in case.

“I go down there first and speak with Moony, then once they seem to have calmed down some–you guys come down. Don’t, and I repeat: do NOT come down these stairs unless the man seems at least partially calm. This is an insane situation and I’d rather not terrify Moony.” 

“Yes, yes, we heard you the first 10 times,” James nodded. 

“Where did that impulsive little annoying loud kid go?” Lily questioned. 

“You married him,” Sirius quipped. 

“I think my wife is referring to you, Sirius.”

Zer eyes glazed over for a moment, thinking about where they did go, cold metal bars, shrieking from all around the tower, never being quite aware when zey were the one yelling. This is about Remus, they remembered. 

“I-I just want to do it right for Remus…”

“Yes, we know, give the man some space and some time to come to terms with the truth before bombarding them with it,” James said, the plan was somehow so simple to him by this point. 

They spent some time laying around and waiting. 

“We should have brought cards.”

“Are we even sure they’re coming?”

“Maybe we could finally talk about the other situation–” James started.

All thoughts and conversation was stopped by the sound of the door creaking and stomping shoes on the wood floorboards. The couple turned to face Sirius. 

“Well…I’ve got to….”

“Good luck Sirius,” Lily patted zem on the shoulder. 

James’ arms wrapped tightly around Sirius, “We’ll finally have our Moony back.”

Sirius shook, stepping down, trying not to go too fast or too slow, trying not to fall down the steps. Until making it to the bottom floor. Remus was examining the wood, their back turned on the other side of the room, staring at the spot where years ago Padfoot had watched them transform for the first time. 

“Remus…” Sirius started to say. 

They spun around to face Sirius, swiftly pulling out a knife and pointing it at the other man. 

What. The. Fuck. Unsure of what else to do, Sirius shot zeir hands empty hands into the air, hoping that might make a difference in whatever might happen next. 

“I don’t mean to cause trouble,” ze spat out, trying to sound calm as the love of zeir life is threatening to kill them with a knife because of the deaths of two people who are entirely alive and upstairs. 

“Of course you don’t, you never do, you lying bastard,”as Remus spoke memories of past mistakes filled zer mind, of the prank, of thinking Remus was the spy, of all the thoughts zis head tried to believe and tried to swat away like an annoying fly while in Azkaban, all the you killed them, it’s your fault you’re hear, it’s your fault Remus is alone, all of it swirled like the worst brewed potion made by an idiot or possibly evil first year at Hogwarts. 

Sirius’ eyes were the size of two moons, not a great comparison since that’s also something that brings Remus blinding hot rage. They were closer than the minute before, as Sirius’ mind came back to right here and now, they were moving forward. 

“I just…I-I need to tell you something, but I don’t know how.”

“What, you’re gonna tell me you love me, beg for me to come back to you like we’re 16 again, like things are that simple again,” Remus backed zem into the wall, holding the knife to their neck, why is this hot, why the hell is this hot, this should not be making me blush, this man is ABOUT TO TRY TO MURDER ME…I’m such a dog, but then it started to hit zem, is Remus really going to....

 “James and Lily are dead, and you’re barely even you anymore. Padfoot is gone and dead, Lord Black just needs to join them.” As Remus spoke tears began to appear in Sirius’ eyes, this is what they really think of me? Ze questioned, but no, Mary’s told Sirius well enough that Remus isn’t okay, this isn’t the man who loves me…right? They wouldn’t call me…they wouldn’t call me Lord Black, not as anything other than a stupid joke.

Are they really about to–Sirius stared, the blade next to zis neck…is this it? I should have had my wand, I should have explained better, I should–

Sirius glanced up for a moment, and then stared, right behind Remus there he was: James Potter in all his savior complex glory, pointing his shaking wand out. Lily next to him, trembling. Sirius’ eyes met James as zey felt liquid begin to sprinkle down zeir neck, like small rain before a storm. Despite the fear, still meeting James’ eye, zey almost screamed, “no–”

“Yes,” Remus said in response, moving even closer than before. 

At the same time, James spoke, “Accio knife.”

Small droplets of blood began to trickle down his neck, Remus’ fingers brushing it. Sirius’ heart raced, Remus’ eyes never leaving zem. Staring for an eternity. 

“I–I don’t know what to do…don’t leave,” Remus begged as they started holding onto Sirius, Sirius didn’t know what to do other than hug them back. How did it get to this? How did we get here? Zhe thought as ze stared at James, trying to hold back zeir tears.

“Please, let me explain.”

It took a while for them to respond, until finally there was a quiet, “okay.”

I didn’t think this far…why couldn’t Mary be here? She could say it so much better. 

Sirius took a breath before saying, “I was falsely imprisoned, for a crime I didn’t commit.”

“Why should I believe you?” Because it’s me, because it’s me and you, the stars and moon, Sirius and Remus, the galaxy. Because I love you…and somewhere you have to love me again too, please.

But Sirius knew zey shouldn’t and couldn’t plead to Remus’ emotions, not now, not after, “Just, let me continue…I didn’t commit the crime, no one did.”

“You expect me to believe the Potter’s killed themselves and their child.”

Sirius was about to respond, ze really was, zeir mouth opened and ready to say they didn’t really die, but they saw a few feet away, Lily. No no no, no Lily, they’re NOT READY!

“No, because we never died,” Lily’s voice rang, Merlin Lily……WHY, I guess I couldn’t have said it better.

Remus broke apart from Sirius and turned to stare at the Potters, until their eyes darted back to Sirius, “What are you doing to my brain?” It’s too soon for them, it’s too much. 

“What do you mean, Moony?” Lily spoke softly.

“None of this is real, IT CAN’T BE REAL, I–” they breathed heavily, “this isn’t real, I’m alone surrounded by ghosts by thoughts by everything fucked up in MY MIND.” Remus’ hands ran manically through their hair. Sirius wanted to reach out, to ground them, to help them realize this was real, but then there was the part of zem that was still in shock. The part of them that had blood running down their neck. The part of zem that was honestly terrified of the person next to zem. 

 “Moony, we’re back, please,” James touched their arm. Immediately Remus backed away, quickly into the corner of the room. 

 “No…no, no no no,” Remus shook their head, “no, it can’t be real. I’m alone. I’m alone , I’m sorry I couldn’t fix this before and make things right but you don’t need to….my mind doesn’t need to lie to me.” They fell to the floor, their eyes wide as they trembled. 

“Remus, look at me,” Lily spoke softly, starting to crouch next to them. “Look at me,” she spoke sternly this time.

James moved next to Sirius, both the men hoping that if they couldn’t help Remus then Lily would be able to. Sirius struggled trying to rip a piece of cloth from zis shirt, ze couldn’t focus on it, couldn’t bring zis eyes away from Remus. 

“Look at me,” James whispered, “Just look at me, I know it’s hard, I know it's scary and you want to stare at Moony because you always do, but just look at me for a second.”

Sirius nodded as James helped rip the clothes and apply pressure to the wound. “Hey, we’ve done this before, we’re okay, everything will be alright,” James spoke again. 

Sirius heard Lily speaking to Remus from across the room, “I need you to take a deep breath for me, I know it’s a lot, but it’s real.” 

“Lily I–” James turned to face his wife, so of course Sirius let zer eyes wander back to Remus, breathing like a madman, pulling away from their best mate in a far less friendly game of tug of war, Lily had always had a strong grip so the “game” went on for eternity. 

“GET AWAY FROM ME,” Remus screamed, breaking their hands free and pushing Lily away. 

Moony looked back to Sirius, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry,” they wailed as they ran out the door, into the night.

Can I forgive them? That was the only thought in zeir head as ze stared at the door, holding a bloodstained cloth, an uncertainty with how the hell to move forward.