#I do now too but im too lazy to bother. Pretty sure majority of my followers are bots or inactive anyway

[mrfoox]

From the bottom of my heart... Im glad I'm a nobody on here and have like 10 followers

[billvsgirl]

the songbird : part one

summary ; reader is a beloved, headstrong singer at a saloon in new mexico. billy is just looking for somewhere to play some poker. it’s a match made in heaven.

warnings ; some heavy insinuation (only above the cut) but aside from that, none yet 👀 i dont know if you can classify this as a slow burn but it is for me because my writing stamina is weak as hell 😇 also i might have accidentally mary sue’d reader but thats my issue

also not beta read (im lazy)

author’s note ; HIII to anyone who’s reading this, i’m sorry in advance, this is my first time writing in a very long while so forgive me. if you have any comments or suggestions please let me know 🙏 i thank @goosita and @billysgun for inspiring me to write for billy (y’all always eat thank you for supplying me with the best billy fics) pls let me know if y’all wanna see more of this series and i’m open to requests !!! okay thats all tyty

—

billy pulled the door closed behind himself ever so carefully, making sure not to alert anyone else who might still be awake in the boarding house.

he turned towards the room to look at you; waiting infront of him expectantly- yet still a bit nervous, akin to a tense game of cards. it was his move now.

you leaned into his touch as he brought a hand up to caress your cheek, stroking gently with his thumb. “my beautiful girl,” he spoke softly, quirking the corners of his lips up into a smile.

“are you sure you’re alright with this, darlin’? we don’t have to.”

but oh, how you so desperately wanted to. because it was him, because it was billy.

-

he had wandered into your life by chance; a raggedy stray appearing in a saloon on a friday night, just looking to make some cash off of a game of poker.

you were there, too, hidden behind a humble stage curtain. you dusted some lint off of your dress and cleared your throat before donning your guitar and revealing yourself to the bar patrons with a confident, nearly sanguine smile.

“why hello there, everyone! d’ya miss me?”

and you had the instant attention of the majority of the tired souls in the saloon, ears and eyes becoming alert. if there weren’t smiles, there were whistles, cheers, claps- and other things inbetween.

there was no argument amongst the patrons that you were special. you held a strong and awfully charismatic persona when you were up on that stage, performing each weekend. when you had first started singing publicly, give or take a year or so ago, it took time for the people there to pay mind to you- but there was only so much they could do before your cadence, your charm, drew them in. and now, the townsfolk always looked forward to your appearances.

“oh please, don’t flatter me! it’ll all go to my head. how’s ‘bout we get to some songs instead, boys?”

a bit of soft laughter could be heard, dispersed throughout the room, before some more scattered claps- and a low chatter returned within the building while you propped yourself onto the stool at the center of the platform.

“learned this one from my father- i hope y’all enjoy it, an’ feel free to sing along if ya’ know it too.”

you began to strum, and the noise in the room lowered at your command. if anyone wasn’t paying attention before, they were now.

“O bury me not,”

and the raggedy stray finally looked up from his hand of cards, sapphire blue eyes taking in your beauty for the first time.

“on the lone prarie.”

your voice was amber honey flowing over a silver spoon, it was devistatingly sweet on the tongue, and all the more addicting. even the most haughty cowboys couldn’t help but lend an ear to you.

“these words came low, and mournfully

from the pallid lips of the youth who lay

on his dying bed at the close of day.”

of course, it didn’t hurt the fact that you were pretty. anyone would agree. but the men there stopped bothering you with crude requests and comments a long time ago- you’d established that it wouldn’t be tolerated, that you weren’t some woman of the night who’d play into the egos of these dogs who assumed they were above everyone else. and what were they to do?

nevertheless, you were alluring. you had a voice that charmed snakes and tempted songbirds to whistle along. so, eventually, they left you be. and that was the way it was.

“he had wasted and pined ‘til o’er his brow,

death’s shades were slowly gathering now

he thought of home and loved ones nigh

as the cowboys gathered to see him die.”

some of the patrons softly sang along to that folk song, including the one that sat a bit further from the stage, who had laid his cards aside later than the others.

he wasn’t fully aware of the small smile etched across face, but he was aware of the way your dress draped gracefully over your legs, the way your hair flowed freely upon your head, the way your eyelashes batted against your skin each time you blinked, the way your hands held your guitar.

he was well aware that he had not seen a lady like you before.

and well after you finished your set, and you had taken time to sit down at the bar and thank the bartender for your drink, he found it in himself to approach you.

and if you were a bit apprehensive, he took mind of that, and kept a small distance whilst lowering his hat from his head.

“hello, ma’am, how are you doin’ tonight?”

you couldn’t help but soften your hardened expression just a bit at the sight of him; eyes that bore right into your heart and pleaded innocence, even though you had heard the chatter throughout the bar that night;

that he had accumulated bounties, that he was a force not to be reckoned with,

that he was ‘dangerous.’

“quite alright, thank ya’, can i help you, cowboy?”

you were curious, but you weren’t downright stupid. you’d certainly dealt with worse, and the demeanor of this man begged that he had no distasteful intentions, but there was further convincing to be done for your guard to come down.

“i just wanted to say- you’ve got a real beautiful voice. it was a nice treat after the day i’ve had, ma’am.”

his voice was soft, and he carried himself well, though you could hear notes of nervousness in the way his breath hitched slightly halfway through his speech. you tilted your head a bit, furrowing your brows.

“you’re william bonney, isn’t that right?”

he shifted his stance, breaking eye contact to look down towards the hat he held in his hands. he cleared his throat and looked back up at you with a coy smile.

“yes’m, so you’ve heard- i’ve heard em’ talkin’ about you too, albeit, for much nicer reasons, miss y/n y/l/n.”

and if the way your name rolled off of his tongue made your cheeks a couple of shades pinker than usual, that was your business and nobody else’s.

he was good looking, that couldn’t be denied. good looking in the kind of way that carried much more depth than anyone you’d seen before. good looking in the way of his strikingly blue eyes, his brown hair that curled up at the ends, the button up shirt and pants that complimented his figure perfectly, his strong, yet softened, demeanor.

“so, s’it true? what they say about you?”

“depends what they’re sayin’, ma’am. maybe, maybe not.”

“well, are you as dangerous as they say you are?”

“only when i need to be, ma’am.”

he was definitely a gentleman- that, or he was putting up a real good act. it wasn’t often that you were approached out of genuine, unsolicited interest. but william- who now insisted you instead call him billy, went silent each time you even looked like you wanted to say something.

and on the two of you went, having conversation through the rest of the night. he didn’t let on about a lot of things, he’d gotten used to being a man of few words. he wanted to know everything about you- as much as you were comfortable saying. and to his delight, you had lots to say.

the both of you were a few drinks in by the time you were sat side by side, filling the near empty saloon with laughter.

“and- and then what?” his smile was sickeningly wide.

“well, my mama always told me i should never let a man use me as a doormat, so i grabbed my saddlebag an’ swatted him right in the groin!”

billy chuckled lightly, imagining that scenario before taking another sip of his whiskey.

“serves ‘m right, the men here know less a’ how to treat women than they do knowin’ when’s appropriate to draw a gun.” he huffed out.

you set your elbow on the counter, resting your head on your hand. “i bet your mama’s real proud a’ you, billy. she raised you just as anyone should.”

he held his smile for just a second before moving to look down at his glass. he remained silent for a few moments, and you followed suit, understanding why.

“m’ sorry, i didn’t know-“

“no, it’s alright,” he looked up at you, offering a smile once again. “i hope that she is. i’m always just trying my best to do what’s right- what’s just. sometimes the law doesn’t wanna paint it that way, but i know what i’ve seen and done.”

and you trusted his word. you had let your guard down like this for the first time possibly ever with anyone who wasn’t family. you and this raggedy stray were both different birds, flying far from the flock. having his company was something new, something exciting. and you hungered to know more.

[sj0228]

astro notes for fun lol

HEY! this is my first astro observations post so don't be too hard on me lol unless u wanna then sure maybe i can improve them somehow BUTANYWAYZ this is for entertainment purposes only!! obviously these are just my own observations so if they don't resonate with you don't get offended or you're a big ol' 🅱️uss so here they are!! also SHOUTOUT TO MY AMAZING FRIENDS fyi i got sum help from them by asking them billions of questions to confirm my suspicions so uh hope that makes the observations more accurate LOL ANYWAYS HERE THEY ARE!! i'll probably make more in the future cuz i think they're super fun to make :D also if u couldnt tell uhm this isnt very professional im not professional BUT I TRIED TO MAKE IT PRETTY so pls dont be bothered lol im just doing this for fun i didnt even wanna make an astro page so yea </3pretty unreliable LMAOOO

👩🏻‍🦲 the house your mars is in is what pisses you off the most!! (eg. 1st - people assuming things about you, 5th - people beating around the bush, 7th - things that disrupt the harmony of your environment, 9th - the need to hold back your opinions because others get bothered by them being "offensive")

👩🏻‍🦲 cancers are true ambiverts and i've truly never ever seen a cancer who wouldn't be both introverted and extroverted at times. they are always either social introverts or quiet extroverts lol. or both!! (somehow 0_0) they enjoy people's attention, whether it's wanting to be noticed or appreciated or generally cared for, and they need their alone time. they tend to be very productive at those times, too.

👩🏻‍🦲 ok i have a lot of notes for cancers so it's gonna be a lot lmao sorry anyways!! i've also noticed they LOVEEE breaking loose every once in a while, if not every time they're given the opportunity! thing is, it's usually only if someone else is there to convince them or do it with them. they don't like taking risks alone! they are very impressed and fond of the 'wild child' persona people because they bring out the cancer's wild side!

👩🏻‍🦲 libra moons are absolutely loved by people, it's so crazy! like, no matter what they do they always have attention on them. this can manifest badly if the moon person is actually pretty horrible, things they do tend to be overlooked and others move on pretty quickly from their mistakes, letting them do whatever they want. i wanted to give an example but uh,,,,, i shall.. refrain😳

👩🏻‍🦲 libra suns with water moons are so scary when they're angry..

👩🏻‍🦲 cancer moon is what i deem as the zodiac sign cute-ifyer lol. literally any "tough" sign like capricorn, scorpio or aquarius becomes a super cute goofball with this moon. WEIRDEST THING EVER THOUGH is that it doesn't work for cancer suns?! like if a cancer sun has a cancer moon this just makes the person very confusing but very funny. they can brighten anybody's day without trying!

👩🏻‍🦲 okay uh this isn't an astro note as much as it is me being a phucken simp but uh..... I HAVE AN UNDYING LOVE FOR ARIES SUNS I WILL MARRY EVERY EACHAND ONE OF YOU ISTG. ARIES SUNS ARE THE NICEST AND FUNNIEST PEOPEL I'VE EVER SEEN YOU HAVE THE BEST HUMOR EVER AND YOU'RE SO KIND TO EVERYBODY YOU'RE SO KIND I LOVE YOU YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS PLANET I WANT TO HUG YOU FOREVER okay jbshxhjn but fr aries are the best people ever?!?!?!?!?!?! pls

👩🏻‍🦲 okay JUST SO THIS WHOLE ARIES MENTION ISN'T JUST A POINTLESS LOVE CONFESSION - i've noticed a lot of ♥aries♥ people use the laughing crying face emojis (😂,🤣) unironically and it's honestly.....the best thing ever

👩🏻‍🦲 taurus suns do this sometimes as well

👩🏻‍🦲 THE MOST UNHEALTHY PERCEPTIONS OF ZODIAC SIGNS ARE PUT ON FIRE SIGNS, NOT THE WATER SIGNS AND THIS IS COMING FROM A PISCES!!!!!!1 every stereotype is always showing fire signs as those sunshine of the group people, the baddies, and the ones with the biggest 'idgaf' attitude. and while this can totally be true sometimes, most of the time it's super different! sad fire signs break my heart pls i just wanna hug you guys T-T they have it the hardest because unlike water signs who are already expected to be emotional, they often repress their emotions for the sake of others and because of the fear of betrayal or judgement, or just generally the idea of "it's better to have fake friends than to have zero friends". YOU GUYS PLEASE. cut these people off from your life you deserve soo much better i know it can be super hard to open up for you u just need a hug omg EVERYONE PLEASE CHECK UP ON YOUR FIRE SIGN FRIENDS ASK THEM ABOUT THEIR DAY N STUFF THEY WILL APPRECIATE YOU CARING FOR THEM! pls stay best and take care sweethearts ily!!!

👩🏻‍🦲 i've also noticed that some of the signs tend to show their sadness through anger - this is not just astrology though so if your friend has been jumpy lately please just check on them they are probably going thru sth😳 anyways the signs i mostly saw this in are pisces, aries and libra.

👩🏻‍🦲 cancers with feminine moons (earth and water) tend to be pretty introspective. they often think they're the ones being mistreated, and while this of course might be true, in reality it usually goes a lonnng way back lol. they often pay very little attention to others!! (masculine moon sign cancers (fire and air) can often be too focused on others more than themselves) this can be good because they don't snoop in other people's business but oh my god, guys, please pay attention to your friends, too! this WILL lead to lost friendships because, let's be real, nobody wants a one-sided friendship with someone who only cares about themselves! i don't want to target anybody here but this is just a pattern i've noticed wayyyy too often, so you might want to look into it and if you think this is you all you need is just to enlargen your perspective and it will all be okay. but please, PLEASE. think about your friends

👩🏻‍🦲 i needed to get this^ out because people often put this on leo placements but tbh i notice that leo placements are THE MOST generous of the entire zodiac and they always think of others first and that's what really makes them so popular. they very rarely are as egocentric as everybody says, they're just really loving and that makes them very lovable!

👩🏻‍🦲 scorpio risings are the prettiest people i've ever seen. not even kidding bruh i could stare at them for EVER their eyes are absolutely gorgeous and their mannerisms are just perfect pls marry me

👩🏻‍🦲 gemini and taurus placements make an individual soooo chill to the point where it often makes them lazy and a biig procrastinator lol. tho i love how they make light of it by using their amazing humor!

👩🏻‍🦲 you most definitely have your IC be one of your family members' sun sign or one of their personal planets. i have a taurus ic and my sister is a taurus sun!

👩🏻‍🦲 sagittarius suns are the best huggers cause THEY REALLY NEED A HUG SO GO HUG THEM RIGHT NOW. pls guys why r u so sad..

👩🏻‍🦲 scorpio mars aren't even as sexual as everybody says tbh. but they definitely do have some interesting.....interests ;)

👩🏻‍🦲 pluto aspects to personal planets are very prominent, but very hidden. if you have them, most likely you will be the only person to know about this side of you and it can be pretty dark..

👩🏻‍🦲 planets conjunct your sun will be the people you attract most in your life (venus conjunct sun - taurus and libra, jupiter - sagittarius and pisces, mars - aries and scorpio EVERYWHERE)

👩🏻‍🦲 your moon sign will be the sun sign of most of your friends

👩🏻‍🦲 if you don't quite relate to your ascendant, look at the sign you have in your 3rd house and at your mercury sign. this is how you communicate, convey your ideas etc. and will often be a major factor in people's first impressions of you :)

👩🏻‍🦲 lilith aspecting your sun may mean there's a side of you nobody knows.. 👁👁 you're also probably very convincing and people can be very drawn to you and they can't explain why. this also goes for lilith in 7th, especially in girls!

👩🏻‍🦲 you and your friends probably have each other's sun signs as your personal planets!!

👩🏻‍🦲 the kindest person you know is probably either a virgo or an aries.. and the meanest person you know is also probably a virgo or aries LOL

👩🏻‍🦲 capricorn suns & risings are THE hardest to read!! if they don't say what they mean people will just assume and they're never going to be right it's wild 👩🏻‍🦲 also capricorns definitely have the most dad energy, while sagittariuses are more like actual dads jdbshxcvb

OKAY THAT'S ALL!!!! im sure i have more but its 2 am i have school tomorrow or actually its today now so bye uh anyways there will most likely be more so if u liked these stay tuned!! oh and let me know if they were true witchu :o thats it love u stay awesome and super cool i love u byebye!!

[ushiwakaout]

Things I believe Oikawa Tooru (pro brazilian volleyball player) would say if you lived together (from the moment you wake up, to the moment you fall asleep).

for my sake, i’m gonna use mexican spanish bc i KNOW there’s such a big difference when speaking portugués - i’ll translate it anyway.

you live in brazil w oikawa too, and you do pottery

warnings: slight nsfw and major spoiler warning for timeskip

“Hey, lazy butt. Rise and shine.” (4:00 am)

you: “Oikawa, deja me en paz (leave me in peace).”

“No me hables así, soy tu novio. (Don’t talk to me like that, i’m you’re boyfriend).”

“I’m gonna go on a run, i’ll be back.”

“Beso(kiss).”

“Make me some breakfast before i come back, will ya?”

“Shoyos probably gonna stop by so make extra! love you, bye!” (4:30 am)

“We’re back! And i’m brought shoyo, like i said i would!” (6:45 am)

“You’re lucky they’re willing to cook this morning, tiene una manó (they’ve got a hand(for cooking)).”

*taps your ass when passing by you in the kitchen*

“Thank you for the meal.” *forehead kiss*

“Gah! I’m stuffed! Thank you baby.” (7:30 am)

“We’ve got practice in the afternoon, you wanna come or?”

“What do you mean you can’t.”

“Oh, right you have projects you need to deliver... Good luck with that then.”

*tooru very much gets pouty when you can’t go to his practice bc he likes seeing you sunbathe*

*once hinata says thanks for breakfast and dips, oikawa will just watch you finish up your projects*

“You need help filling up the kiln?” (8:30 am)

“Do you need help glazing?”

“What about this one? Do i put it in the kiln?”

“Oye! Te estoy hablando! (Hey! I’m taking to you!)”

“Give me a kiss before you get a muddy and dirty.”

“Can we recreate that one scene from dirty dancing?”

“What? I watch american movies too you know!”

*although you say no, Oikawa will 100% sit behind you to reach his hands under your shirt, kiss the back of your neck, maybe tuck your hair out of the way so he can leave marks*

*you can’t tell me that this mother fucker hasn’t made you sit on his cock while you do pottery... please god. It will get so messy because he picks up your lap enough for him to fuck you so slowly*

“You got some on your face, come here.”

“Don’t get too messy”

*loves seeing you covered in pottery clay tho bc he knows you work with blood sweat and tears the way he does with volleyball*

“I’m gonna go ahead and get ready for practice.” (11:00 am)

“I gotta leave at 12, you sure you can’t come?”

“Be ready by the time i get back, we’re going on a date.”

“If you’re not ready i’ll go on the date by myself.”

“Do you know where i put my sunglasses?”

“Can i steal your sun cap, i can’t seem to find mine.”

“I’m gonna head out now, come give me a kiss.”

“Give me another one.”

“I won’t be late amor (love), just give me some sugar.”

“Hey get you’re clay hands off me.”

“I’ll be back around 4, i’ll let you know if i’m gonna be late.” (11:40 am)

*you smacked his ass on the way out and he didn’t even bother to check the fat hand mark on his shorts*

*over the phone “Hey amor (love) i’m gonna be running late okay?” (3:50 pm)

*still over the phone* “Don’t be mad, kay? I’ll be home as quick as i can. Besos (kisses), love you too.”

“IM HOME! I’ll shower and we’ll get going.” (4:30 pm)

*smacks your ass* “You look good.”

“Give me a kiss.”

“What do you mean no?”

“Oh come on, you like it when i’m sweaty~”

“EY! No me pegues! (Hey! Don’t hit me!).”

“Did you buy me more leave in conditioner?”

“Bring me towel!”

“No i genuinely forgot it this time, please hand it over i’m getting cold.”

“Gracias amor~ (Thanks love)”

“okay okay, i’m ready let’s go!” (5:00 pm)

“Hold my hand.”

“No te passes, dame tu mano. (Don’t cross the line, give me your hand).”

“Do you want food? I’m hungry- did you eat lunch? Okay good, i know you forget sometimes.”

“Let’s go get some acorda de mariscos” (açorda de mariscos is a seafood bread stew)

*will get recognized in public once and a while bc beach volleyball is a pretty big sport in portugal from what i know, correct me if i’m wrong, i’m mexican/american*

*will speak perfect portuguese to his fans, they’re always surprised*

*always has to show his residency card to prove that he’s of age to drink*

“They always mistake me as a minor, it’s annoying.” (5:30 pm)

“It’s not funny, can a man not get a paloma (a paloma is just a type of cocktail with tequilita and a type of grapefruit juice/soda) in peace?”

“Should i grow a beard? Why not? I think i’d look good.”

“A baby a staring at me, should i scare it?”

“Ow! I’m kidding, i’m kidding.”

“I want a baby, give me a baby.”

“What do you mean i’m enough? I don’t think that’s a compliment.”

“If i propose right now, will you give me a baby?”

“You’re such a bore.” 😤

“Let’s go to a club , i wanna dance.” (7:00 pm)

*you can’t tell me oikawa doesn’t know how to dance like a god*

“Stop being a prude and get closers, it’s not like we haven’t been closer.” (7:30 pm)

“Stop blushing...”

*when oikawa dances, his hands are roaming everywhere youre body*

“I’m gonna get another drink. You want anything?”

*you sit by your lonesome, and obviously someone has to hit on you because oikawa isn’t around*

“Hey- piss off, they said they aren’t interested and they are taken, by yours truly... So how about you run along now.”

*if oikawa wasn’t so humble about you he would probably beat the shit out of someone*

“Finish up your drink and we’ll head somewhere else.” (9:00 pm)

*he definitely club/bar hops*

*probably will get drunk at the third or fourth club*

“Baby~ Come give me a kiss.”

“Honey~ do you love me?”

“Yeah? give me a kiss.”

*will 100% make out with you in the club. one hand gripped at the back of your neck so you don’t push away*

*quicky in the club bathroom bc he’s not willing to wait, hand over your mouth and a bites your shoulder bc he’s as loud as you are*

“Let’s go home yeah?” (11:00 pm)

“Let’s take a shower together~”

*fucking in the bathroom*

*if you couldn’t tell, he’s horny when drunk*

“Oh! Iwa-chan is calling”

*both of you lay in bet together while he’s on the phone with iwaizumi*

“He wants to talk to you.”

“She said she doesn’t want to.”

*will make you lay on his chest while he just pets your hair*

*sees that your asleep and takes pictures of you while sleeping*

“Yeah she’s asleep now..”

“No, I haven’t found the right ring yet.”

“I’m not getting old iwa-chan! i’m getting younger by the minute.”

“It’s not like they won’t say no... right.”

“Hey! don’t make fun on me- when you meet the right one, you’ll know how i’ll feel.”

“Shh- go back to sleep baby, i’ll go to sleep in a minute.” (12:00 am)

*kisses you’re forehead*

extras:

“Hey honey, am i getting fat?”

“Look in the mirror, i see someone beautiful and then you- the second most beautiful.”

“Stop telling Shōyō that i like getting my blackheads popped!”

“Hey- schedule me a manicure will you?”

“Take a picture with me and shōyō and then send it to tobio-chan.”

“Wax my brows, and do it right this time!”

“Hey, do my makeup- why? Because i wanna look better than you.”

“Woah woah woah, who said you can take pictures of me.”

“Delete it, i look ugly- WHAT DO YOU MEAN THATS THE POINT! YOURE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME IM PRETTY”

*fiddles with your fingers in public*

*will propose to you when he wins against msby bc he just wants to publicly address that he’s the best and has the best*

[erizee]

im still rewatching gotham bc its a great distraction from studying and if 17 year-old me was right about anything its that its Fun

but also. what the Fuck were the writers thinking sometimes lmaooo im not even going to list it all because thats too much work, these r just some Thoughts

please dont ask why im watching it if this bothers me this much, i dont have a good explanation. its just Fun to watch fucked up people do fucked up shit i guess. nothing makes sense ever and theres soo much shit to dissect & so many characters to follow. yea that probably explains it

also this embarassing. i do not want to have these many thoughts about this show again.

1. police brutality as a ~quirky feature of this whacky city~. im Pretty sure that never really stops but im only halfway through s1 rn and its a Very big thing there. im not even going to talk about this much more because im not nearly close to being an expert on it & i dont have as much of a clear analysis of it, its just fucked up tbh how they treat such a major issue in real life like a fictional thing that makes their fake city more ~spicy~

2. the way they talk about/use mental health & neurodivergency

Fuck lmao this bothers me so much more now than 4 years ago. in general its a whole mess & a lot of it is probably based on comic stuff eg arkham, but they really portray anyone in there as a child huh. its So disrespectful and gross

at some point they basically only have villains from arkham, which i know is also at least somewhat comic-based but that doesnt rly make it better? great villainization of neurodivergent people guys (& why tf did they send oswald to arkham??? theres literally no reason for that one)

dont even let me get started on ed. LITERALLY Thee worst portrayal of neurodivergency/mental illness ive EVER seen lmaoo. in s1 hes soo autistic coded its almost funny if it wasnt 90% based on bad stereotypes, he literally checks All the boxes. and then he randomly gets the fake fictional shock value version of DID?? i feel like that was the only thing the writers could think of that made sense why he'd ever kill people lol and its a) So lazy and b) Extremely bad for how DID is seen by people. i dont know how DID works exactly so i cant say anything abt if the way it started/his switching was at least somewhat accurate, but its just this typical "evil dangerous neurodivergent dude cant control himself/is just evil to his core because his ~mind is fucked up~" and its so frustrating. Yes hes one of my favourite characters still. Yes i still relate to him way too much. Yes the way hes written is Extremely harmful. those things can all be true

3. queerbaiting. only developed a ship because it was popular with the fans, then make them fight each other for the rest of the show, then have them be ~brothers~ at the end when ratings drop. typical And annoying.

4. this is less of a Real World Issue and more bad storytelling but plot & character consistency are practically nonexistant in this show lmao. this has been run to the ground years ago but its still so weird. the main thing is again ed for me since he was my favourite, but they really changed his entire personality whenever it was practical for the "plot". i could barely recognise him in s3 until i got used to it lmao he was sooo different. u Could make an argument for the riddler vs the ed personality but again thats bad rehashing of harmful stereotypes & Also doesnt fix anything tbh. the only thing that was actually consistent (if im not forgetting sth) was oswald's character i think? he became less gross over time but that was all as far as i can remember. sneaky, manipulative, too emotional, loses everything because of either his mom or ed aka what he loves. he became less smart somehow after s1 which is weird but i guess s1 him would have taken over the country if they hadnt nerfed him. i honestly cant remember anyone else because last time after ca the middle of s2 i stopped paying attention to anything that wasnt ed or oswald but yea it was a whole mess

[bawkrya]

ok so im just gonna pick at fr from a web designer pov because looking at this site on mobile will drive me into madness if they don’t fix it at some point. The rest of this post will go under a read more because it’s both super long and image heavy.

before i hit mobile though, I’m going to point out some things i just don’t personally like in general with the site design (and yes i am conscious that they are slowly updating to a new look)

this will come as a shock to no one, if you’ve seen previous web design related posts by others anyways, but i cant. stand this menu

[ID: A cropped screenshot of Flight Rising’s Main Menu]

fr, understandably, has a shit ton of links. it’s a petsite with lore and all that, whatever. The thing that bothers me specifically is the length of links and where some are placed.

1. i BELIEVE this counts as an accessibility issue where longer links kinda trap shorter links, goes into misclicks to other pages in the site, etc. etc.  2. i don’t think. the search link should be under library personally ? Maybe make it its own category. 

Dev Tracker & Media could go under this category, possibly add separate links to forum, player, and dragon searches with updated formatting

Dressing Room and Scrying Workshop could go under the “Play” category 

Forums can be it’s own category with possible subcategories being: Announcements & News, Help Center, and Flight specific discussion forum, maybe more 

Library category could then just be: Which Waystone, World Map, Game Database, and Encyclopedia.

Support should be it’s own category.

One thing on the shop category, and i hesitate to say this because im not CONFIDENT on this one, but I’m not sure Custom Skins exactly fits? or at least, it should be Purchase Gems -> Marketplace -> Custom Skins, not between crossroads and festive favors

Merch should probably go under purchase gems, and they should maybe uhh..... i guess change the name for it overall? because 1. “merch” alone does NOT look good with its placement, 2. its another actual money purchase thing and I think those should go on the same page

Along with that, in putting merch under that page, they could put previews of the merch with a button to go purchase instead of immediately going to their merch site (which to begin with it should open in a new tab if its going to a separate site?!!)

then this is a mix of both not liking it on laptop OR mobile, 

[ID: A cropped image of Flight Rising’s Clan Home page. The Bestiary link has a bright red box highlighting it]

Obviously these pages are old, but the graphics need to be updated, and there needs to be graphics for every link in the category-- seeing with this category alone there isn’t a graphic for the Bestiary already. On top of this they need to be in link order preferably. if they had a normal dropdown menu for mobile, mobile users wouldn’t be able to access the bestiary unless FR wanted to be STUPID and do further dropdown menus w their 200 links which would be STUPID and CLUTTERED

also in my opinion the Messages link isn’t necessary since we have the button at the top. If they put it there as an excuse for accessibility, they can just. add text to the buttons. like here’s a scuffed mockup but. 

[ID: Screenshot of Flight Rising’s Messages, Friend Requests, and Alerts icons edited to have Messages, Friends, and Alerts written next to the icons]

for the friends tab, they could prolly add friend requests at the top like they do for baldwin alerts, then have an online status thing for friends below with buttons to PM, trade, delete friend, etc. I think you’re already able to disable the online status thing with page visibility? but like, make those options separate if you dont wanna block off your entire page, but dont want to be seen online.

For mobile, they can just make the icons bigger.

then. i THINK. last thing on laptop site. 

[ID: A screenshot of Flight Rising’s Social Media links with old Logos to YouTube, Tumblr, Reddit, Twitter, Facebook, and DeviantArt]

update these fucking icons they are personally killing me, none of these logos are in use anymore (ALSO UPDATE THE TUMBLR THEME JESUS CHRIST)

ok now for mobile. what this post was originally for.

-

as you all know, if you visit this site on mobile, there is literally no form of a mobile version for it. It is just a condensed version of the computer version of the site which is...Very Bad! 

Most of a sites visitors are going to be through mobile, i forget the exact percentage, but like it’s almost a given that people more readily have their phones with them than their laptop or tablet (which. im not going to bother with the tablet version, you can apply both computer and mobile criticisms to the site). in fact a lot of my time on FR is through mobile since I’m not at home 24/7 and I don’t tote my laptop around. Playing this game through it’s mobile site is Not Fun! 

I like, won’t be too pissy or anything bc like. it’s a petsite and I’m making this post for fun. but also like it was made in 2014? 2013? so I’m not going to be u kno. angry. but it nearing the point of ten years with this site and there still isn’t a mobile friendly version. that is lazy. If anything, if they wanted a site update to be the anniversary thing, they should’ve made that update be

Mobile update as primary thing, because designing the site for mobile is a shit ton of work with the amt of pages they have to work through.

Dragon Profile page update (*LOUD SIGH*)

Clan page update

Hoard update (i have thoughts on this too but i wont dive into it this post)

Purchase Gems page update

Dev Tracker update

Forums update

“but that’s a lot to update” well. that wouldve made the anniversary being a website update considerably more worth it, because in my opinion having the dragon profile pages be the ONLY thing to happen during the anniversary was a waste and a bad decision, because other website updates are just. normal whatever updates. it made the anniversary SUPER underwhelming especially bc the past ones (to my knowledge) have only been major game mechanic updates like the eye & ancients update and i believe? the color wheel expansion was an anniversary thing? someone can correct me on that I haven’t played this game as long as most LMAO

as for how i personally would situate the mobile site. shitty graphic time, bc im not putting too much effort into this (warning this will be LONG)

[ID: Image 1. A crudely put together screenshot of the top half of a Mobile View of Flight Rising with comments on either side. It ends with the Latest News segments “Riot of Rot” and “Hoard & Vault Revamp”

Comment 1, Left side: “no banner make it a solid color that matches the burger menu. size the logo correctly etc. Comment 2, Right side: “burger menu w ONLY the categories, goes to the homepages of the categories” Comment 3, Right side: “TWO latest news posts, maybe a button to go see earlier news (which may b something to add to comp too)” Comment 4, Right side: “center dates and comments maybe idfk”

At the bottom of the image there is an added “button” that says “more updates button”]

[ID: Image 2. The bottom half of the mobile view with comments on the left side. There is a put together white box that has the Plague Flight Logo and “plage dom !” written in it. Below it are the Site Status, Random Dragon, and Exalt Bonuses boxes from the site. Underneath that is a red box with “ad space” in the center, with a red footer at the bottom.

The footer contains, “social media! (specifally made icons for site)”, “better formatted links”, and “copyright”.

Comment 1: “idk what they would caption it but the flashy can go here.” Comment 2: “ONE site status update if they keep this format” Comment 3: “probably center these links. i dont know what they use to build the site but im sure you can make icons for social media on just about anything unless this is all handcoded. just. make small icons it takes two seconds and you can copy+paste”]

i dont even want to THINK about how the lair and all that would look on mobile, it was a chore doing the home page alone SOBS

anyways, in ref to these images though--

this is just slapped together and definitely wouldn’t be a final draft, it could use some tweaking

the flashy i refer to is the box that’s above the user box that says what flight is in dom, what festival is going on, etc.

when i mention building the site and “you can make icons for social media on just about anything” im referring to wordpress, wix, whatever is used to format the site. I really only have experience with wordpress thru elementor and divi (so far) so im not CERTAIN about other places but I feel it would be pretty common to have that tool. if not, making icons (or snatching some) is rlly not that hard, probably only costly depending on what their webdesigner(s) charge for icons

I’m not like certain on who does what, how the webdesigner(s) work with/price this site, etc. etc. this is just. going off of my own knowledge. and in general this whole post is my own knowledge abt shit i did no further research to FRs team specifically 

i think this is basically it, i’ll reblog with more if i think of anything, but feel free to add things yourself or in general discuss things. again this post was made for fun so im not taking it seriously or demanding for these changes to be made, just personal annoyances and preferences.

This is also my first time doing picture IDs for a post so if I need to correct anything or the like let me know and I’ll edit it in the post!

[lveclouds]

a/n: yet another got7 drabble!! this is going to be a bit angsty, so i apologize in advance and honestly this banner is probably one of my favorites hehe and also this drabble took me a while to type up but it was worth it! and this is very much unedited so if you see any grammatical errors then that’s on me lmao 

genre: fluff, angst, college/university au, friends to lovers 

rating: pg (for mild swearing) 

warnings: light swearing, mild angst,a bit cheesy/cliche (jinyoung’s a huge dork in this hehe think wmylb jinyoung, but like a much tamer and softer version. wmylb jinyoung is uh, very passionate in voicing his opinions, and we love that, its just not fitting for the image that i have for him in this drabble)

pairing: literature major jinyoung x arts major reader 

word count: 2.3k 

you stared at the glowing laptop screen in front of you, eyes struggling to stay open, lashes fluttering, sleep threatening to take over. you couldn’t help but let out a small yawn, forcing yourself to keep your eyes open. the hardest exam of your life, and one that would have a major effect on your grade, was less than a week away, and you had barely looked at any of the review material. you had been so caught up in finishing your arts project and focusing on raising your grade that the anatomy exam had slipped your mind. and now, here you were, at three o clock in the morning, fighting sleep, trying to cram in information. you couldn’t believe you had been so foolish and careless. anatomy had always been a subject that you struggled in, and because you were stubborn and didn’t want people to think you were pathetic or lazy, you refused your professor’s suggestion to enlist the help of a tutor. you were so confident and sure that you could improve on your own, and well, you had never felt so idiotic in your life. 

despite looking over the review material and pouring over pages of the dictionary sized textbook you had to lug around nearly every day, not a single ounce of information seemed to be sticking. the last few days had been spent relentlessly studying countless websites, books, review material, and just about anything that could potentially help you. you were beginning to get a bit stressed out, but you supposed that all of this was because of you. after all, you were the one who had decided to neglect studying for an exam all to work on some stupid art project instead. “just a day in the life.” you mumbled, eyes focusing on the laptop screen in front of you, the blue light illuminating the darkness of your dorm, casting dark shadows onto the white carpeted floor. 

sighing, you shut your laptop closed and flopped back onto your bed in defeat, head softly hitting your pillow. there was no use in fighting sleep, after all, you could barely focus and dawn was drawing near, and soon you would have to trek across campus at exactly six a.m. for your early morning history lecture. sleep soon took over and all thoughts of studying and the exam faded away as you drifted off into dreamland. 

the next morning, you awoke to a soft knock on your door. groaning, you reluctantly got out of bed and went to answer it. to your surprise, it was jinyoung, dressed in an oversized white turtleneck, dark jeans, and loafers, holding two cups of warm coffee and a light blue paper bag.  his soft black hair was adorably rumpled, and despite it being five a.m., jinyoung still looked as gorgeous as ever, which you envied. “oh, hi jinyoung. what are you doing here?” you asked, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. “well, i figured you were up late last night again and i dropped by the cafe down the street, and i thought i’d just come by and give you some coffee. hopefully it’ll give you some energy. oh, and i brought some sandwiches that my roommate made last night. trust me, it’s not poisonous. jaebeom hyung’s a lot of things, and one of them is the ability to make a great sandwich.” you chuckled as he handed over your cup of coffee and the paper bag. “thanks for the coffee and the food. i’ll see you later?” “i-i was wondering if you wanted to walk to class together? “i’d love to. oh, please come inside. it’s a bit messy, so don’t mind all the clutter. i haven’t had time to clean lately.” jinyoung shook his head. “it’s fine. jaebeom hyung’s the same. he doesn’t have time to clean because he’s always so busy with writing music and classes, so i do all the cleaning in the dorm.” you gestured for jinyoung to sit on the couch, to make himself feel comfortable, and then disappeared into your room to take a quick shower and put on a decent outfit. 

as you and jinyoung walked across campus, he told you all about the song that jaebeom was working on for the upcoming showcase that your university put on every month. “wait, so he composes his own songs?” jinyoung nodded. “he does, its pretty impressive, if i’m being honest. he’s been writing songs ever since he could walk. jaebeom hyung wants to become a singer one day.” “ i wouldn’t be surprised if he does, he’s really talented.” you had seen jaebeom peforrm a few times, and his voice was smooth and angelic and unique, and you had no doubt that he would get recognized for his singing one day. “so, what’s been going on with you? haven’t seen you in a while.” “ah, well, my professors are bombarding me with assignments and i have an essay due next week, but it’s tolerable, i guess. been trying to take a breather every now and then, get my shit together, the usual. anwyays, enough about me, how have you been doing?”

you grimaced. “well, i haven’t been getting much sleep lately.  i kinda got too preoccupied in finishing an art project that i forgot all the about the anatomy exam i’m supposed to take, and it may or may not be less than a week away. so, i’ve been cramming.” jinyoung sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. “are you kdiding me, y/n?” you laughed nervously. “uh, oops?” jinyoung shook his head, letting out a defeated sigh. “how long has this been going on for?” “u-uh a f-few days?” you looked away, not wanting to see the frustrated and worried expression on jinyoung’s face, fighting back tears. ever since you had met jinyoung on a particular sunny day last summer, the two of you had gone through a lot together, from comforting each other after breakups to taking care of each other when one of you was drunk. you hated making jinyoung worry, as he had enough to deal with, and you didn’t want to burden him. “why didn’t you tell me you were having a hard time?” he asked, and you forced yourself to look at him, instantly regretting it. his gorgeous brown eyes were filled with concern and a worried frown was set upon his perfect lips, and you immediately felt as if you had been stabbed in the gut. “i-im sorry,i just didn’t want to be a burden.” you mumbled, trying to hold back tears. before you knew it, you were engulfed in a hug, strong arms wrapping around you, holding you tight. you felt jinyoung rub comforting circles on your back, and that alone was enough for you to break down, crying into the soft fabric of his sweater. all the pent up stress you had been holding in was finally let out, and jinyoung just held you, not uttering a single word, listening to your soft sobs. after your tears had subsided, you pulled away, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand, sniffling. “s-sorry about your sweater.” jinyoung waved away your apology. “don’t worry about it, i’m not gonna freeze to death just because you got tears on it.” 

“anyways, i’m sorry for not telling you.” “it’s ok, but y/n, please know that i’m always here for you and that you’re never a burden.” you felt your heart ache at how sincere he sounded, and despite his reassurances, you still felt extremely guilty for keeping your feelings locked away. 

“i’m a phonecall or a text away, remember that. i’m always here for you, you know that, right?” you nodded. “thank you, jinyoung.” “no need to thank me, y/n.” 

after class, you were feeling a bit better, as you had finally sought help from your classmates on the upcoming exam, and they had given you an overwhelming amount of notes, all of which were extremely detailed and well-written. and, as you were walking towards your dorm, you heard a familiar voice call out to you. turning, you saw im jaebeom, music major and jinyoung’s roommate, running towards you, a white envelope in his hand. “hey, you’re y/n, right?” he asked once he caught up to you, a bit breathless. “yeah, why?” jaebeom seemed to brighten at this, eyes turning into crescents as he smiled, gently placing the envelope in your hand. “jinyoung wanted me to give this to you. he’s in the library, working on an essay if you want to see him.” before you could say anything, jaebeom gave you a small wave before walking off to the other side of campus, leaving you speechless. what just happened? you thought as you opened the envelope, careful not to rip it. inside was a delicate piece of paper, with jinyoung’s familiar looping script written all over it. 

“dear y/n, ever since we met, i’ve always thought you were bright. for example, your smile. your smile practically lights up your face and makes my heartbeat a little faster. i’m aware this is quite cheesy, but its true. ever since we met, you have been the brightest person in my world, and the one girl who has managed to break down these walls i’ve kept around me for so long. before i met you, i didn’t know what love was, or rather, why people bothered with it. but, that all changed when i laid eyes on you. you were the most stunning girl i had ever seen, let alone meet, and when you said”hi, my name’s y/n”, i felt my world turn upside down, but, in a good way. you were the person who showed me that it’s ok to love. you also showed me how beautiful love can be. it doesn’t have to be destructive or painful or terrifying. love can be exciting and thrilling and life-changing. even though i’m a literature major and have written more essays than i can count, i seem to struggle with words whenever i’m around you, thus why i’m putting my feelings on paper. i like you, a lot. i’ve liked you ever since you bumped into me on that fateful day, you were the one who has managed to sweep me off my feet, quite literally, i might add, and though i am awkward and clumsy and not as mysterious and alluring as jaebeom hyung, i do have some worth. anyways, please meet me in the library after you read this, and if you don’t, then i know that you don’t feel the same. it’s ok if you don’t, but i just wanted to get this off my chest. 

sincerely,

park jinyoung

you felt tears prick the back of your eyes as you practically ran to the library, your heart aching. you didn’t know jinyoung felt that way about you, and you were so happy that he felt the same. you had liked him since the beginning, and you had fallen in love with his smile and all of his quirks. jinyoung was easily one of the most attractive guys on campus, with perfect eyebrows, a cute nose, perfectly sculpted cheekbones, gorgeous brown eyes, and one ot the prettiest smiles you had ever seen. his smile was stunning and never failed to take your breath away, eyes crinkling at the corners,perfect white teeth on display. his laugh was endearing and a sound that you would never get tired of hearing. on top of all that, he had a heart of gold, and was unfailingly kind and polite towards anyone, and also very selfless and humble. 

as soon as you arrived in the library, you looked around for jinyoung, and immediately spotted him at a table near the back, typing on his laptop, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. you rushed over to him, heart beating wildly in your chest, and cleared your throat, causing him to look up from his laptop in surprise. “y/n?” he asked, practically scrambling off the chair he’d been sitting on, gently grabbing ahold of your wrist. “what’s wrong? did something happen?” you took a deep breath and grabbed ahold of his sweater, the fabric bunching up in your hands, pulling him towards you and kissing him. you felt him jump a bit in surprise, but he quickly reciprocated the kiss, wrapping his arms around you. the kiss was short and sweet, but you enjoyed every minute of it. when you pulled away, a faint shade of pink had settled across jinyoung’s face. “i-i never knew you were so bold, y/n.” he teased, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he smiled. “i didn’t either, but i had to do it before i chickened out.” “so, does that mean you like me?” you fought the urge to roll your eyes. “yes, of course, jinyoung. i don’t just go up to random guys on campus and kiss them you know.” “i-i just wanted to make sure.” “ah, you’re so cute, jinyoung.” “s-shut up. i’m not cute.” “hmm, yes you are.” “anyways, will you be my girlfriend, then?” “well, considering that i just kissed the hell out of you in the middle of a library, i think it’d be foolish if we weren’t dating after that, so yes, yes i will.” 

a/n: hehe jinyoung drabble done!! i hope you all enjoyed this lengthy drabble!! i have two more got7 drabbles to write/post and then i will go back to my planned bts ones :) again, this drabble is dedicated to cara, aka @yongcherie​ one of my favorite humans ever (sends kisses and hugs) ily angel 💞💞and this is also dedicated to my sister issy aka @taeramisu​ bc i love her and she’s the one of the loveliest angels ever💖

[ceealaina]

Title: Show Me How You Do It Collaborator Name: ceealaina Card Number: 3088 Link: AO3 Square Filled: T3 - Sidekick Ship: WinterFalcon, IronHusbands Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Fluff and Smut, Accidental Voyeurism Summary: Bucky's birthday surprise for Sam turns into a bit of a surprise for them both. Word Count: 3432

Bucky whistled under his breath as he wandered into the lab for the for his Stark-mandated post-mission arm check. Tony and Rhodes were over in the corner rattling off some science that Bucky didn’t bother trying to follow, but they both looked up with a wave when he came in. 

“Hey Barnes,” Tony called, doing some fancy hand waves to start the machine up for the scan. “How’s my favourite half of the Sidekick team?” 

Bucky rolled his eyes at him, but Rhodey kicked his ankle. “Hey! Don’t knock the sidekicks.’ 

“Aww, Honeybear. I’m not knocking sidekicks, I promise. And anyway, you’re not my sidekick. You’re my life partner.” He leaned in, giving Rhodes a disgustingly saccharine kiss, and Bucky rolled his eyes even harder, although neither of them were even looking in his direction. 

“You two are disgusting,” he informed them. They broke apart, Tony sticking his tongue out at him, but Rhodey just arched an eyebrow at him. 

“You’re one to talk,” he replied. “Where’s your birdbrained other half, anyway?” He looked Bucky over with a critical eye. “Is that why you’re walking funny this morning?” 

“Nope,” Bucky told him cheerfully, not bothering with any further information. “Sam got in last night and was totally dead on his feet. He crashed for twelve hours straight. Although… Either of you seen ‘im?” Bucky was aware that he was grinning a little goofily. “We’ve got somethin’ to celebrate.” 

“I have not,” Tony told him, directing his arm to the proper position. “But what you’re saying is we should clear the hell out of the tower when we’re done here?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows at Rhodey.

“Will do,” Rhodey added with a mock salute. He knocked his hip against Tony’s, laughing when Tony swatted at him, grumbling about throwing off his readings. “Hey, we can try that new Italian place you were talking about.” 

Tony grinned as the scan completed. “Mmm, yes please.” He glanced over at Bucky. “Pretty sure everyone else is gone for the next few hours anyway, so… Have fun there, handsome. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” 

Rhodey snorted. “What does that leave them with?” 

“Man, shut up,” Tony whined, the two of them shoving at each other as they headed for the door. Bucky didn’t even bother trying to hide the way he laughed at them before he headed out the door himself, in search of his boyfriend. 

He beamed when he finally found Sam, sitting at the kitchen table in the common area, hands wrapped around a mug of coffee and eyes half shut. It was actually getting on for the middle of the afternoon by now, but given the intense, two-week mission he’d just returned from, Bucky supposed he could be forgiven for still being a little tired. 

“Hey handsome!” he chirped, not bothering to hide his laugh when Sam jumped and startled at the sound of his voice, clearly halfway to sleeping. “I missed you.” He fluttered his eyelashes, making Sam snort and roll his eyes, even though he was grinning; overlapping missions were always the worst.

Bucky moved behind Sam to wrap his arms around his neck Sam beamed, leaning back into it. He hummed softly, turning his head to place a kiss on Sam’s jaw. He hadn’t shaved yet, and Bucky shivered a little at the drag of his stubble against his jaw. 

“Hey baby,” Sam purred, voice low and rough from lack of sleep. “Missed you too.”

Bucky grinned, stealing a sip of Sam’s coffee before moving to sit sideways in his lap, turning his head to face him. It was absolutely ridiculous, but Sam just beamed, his arms moving automatically to circle his waist. 

“Hey,” he said again, leaning in to give Bucky a proper kiss this time. Bucky hummed against his lips, rubbing his fingers over the back of his neck and feeling Sam melt into it. 

“How was the mission?” he asked, voice rough when they pulled back again. “All good? Everyone home safe?” 

Sam nodded, leaning back into the hands rubbing over his neck. “Clint dislocated his shoulder, but that’s what he gets for not letting me know till the last second that he’s jumping off a building. Some of the junior SHIELD agents had some minor injuries, but other than that, we’re all good. Got the bad guy and everything.” 

“Aww I’m so proud,” Bucky teased. He slid his fingers up over Sam’s scalp, scratching through his short hair, and felt him shudder a little beneath him. “And good. Because we missed your birthday while you were gone, and I realized that I still owe you a present.” 

“Oh yeah?” Sam blinked at him, eyes heavy. “Whaddya get me?”

Bucky hummed, pretending to consider it. His hand curled around the back of Sam’s neck and he went easily as Bucky tilted his head back, kissing him soft and slow, licking at his lips until they parted with a soft moan. Bucky grinned and shifted to bite at Sam’s earlobe. 

“Uhh, me,” he rasped out, smirk evident in his voice. “Happy Birthday, gorgeous.”

Sam huffed out a soft laugh, fingers tightening on Bucky’s hips and digging into the soft fabric of his sweatpants. “Best birthday present ever,” he crowed, grinning when Bucky went back to kissing him. It was slow and lazy, the best kind of making out, and Sam couldn’t help shifting beneath him, feeling arousal beginning to simmer low in his stomach. 

In response, Bucky only deepened their kisses, tongues sliding together in a slow tease that had Sam’s eyes squeezing shut. He kept one hand curled around the back of Sam’s neck, keeping his head tilted where he wanted it, while the other scratched along his collarbone, leaving a tingling trail in the wake of blunt nails. 

Sam groaned softly against his mouth, fingers clenching and releasing against his hips like he couldn’t stop himself from squeezing. Bucky grinned and shifted so that he was straddling his hips, facing him properly. He couldn’t help grinding down against him, squirming a little himself at the punched out sound that slipped from deep in Sam’s chest. 

“We should...” Sam swallowed hard, eyes squeezing shut as Bucky dragged his teeth over the tendon in his neck, immediately soothing the sting with his tongue. “We should... move. Somewhere more... fuck Bucky, somewhere more private maybe.”

“Mmm,” Bucky hummed, working on sucking a bruise into his neck. “We should definitely do that.” He trailed off, squirming when Sam slipped a hand up under the back of his worn t-shirt, long fingers splaying out over his spine. He pulled back a little, eyes meeting Sam’s, and shivered at the want he saw there. Making no move to get up, Bucky went back to kissing him, a soft moan slipping past his lips when Sam’s hand pulled him tighter against his body. 

“Shit,” Sam gasped when Bucky started trailing kisses down his jaw, scraping his teeth over the stubbled skin. “Holy shit, baby.”

Bucky pulled his head back to grin at him. “You miss me as much as I missed you?”

Sam shook his head with a low growl. “You got no idea, sweetheart.” And then, because Bucky clearly wasn’t going to take the initiative, he gripped his hips and with one, effortless movement, was standing up with Bucky in his arms. Bucky’s legs tightened around his hips automatically, even if he (mostly) trusted Sam not to drop him, and they both groaned as the movement caused him to press against his half hard dick. “Oh, fuck me,” Sam mumbled, words slurred around lazy kisses as he stumbled toward the elevator. 

Bucky just smirked at him. “That’s the idea, Flyboy,” he teased. He clearly had no intention of making things easy on him, teasing his skin with teeth and tongue, and when Bucky traced his tongue over the shell of his ear before biting down hard on the lobe and sucking, Sam’s footsteps faltered. Hands squeezing hard enough to bruise, he dropped into one of the recliners in the lounge area, both of them groaning when the sudden motion caused them to grind down hard against each other. 

“Fuck,” Sam choked out again, feeling like he’d gone from zero to fifty in about five seconds. His eyes squeezed tightly shut and he made a noise dangerously close to a whine when Bucky pinched at his nipple through his shirt. “Fuck, baby, I can’t think when you do that.” 

Bucky laughed softly, and Sam shivered at the feeling of the warm air on his neck. “I know,” he huffed into his ear. “That’s kinda the idea.”

“Bucky,” he gasped, rocking his hips up against him, unable to stop himself. His fingers squeezed again, digging into his skin. “Come on, we gotta move. Elevator’s right there.” 

“Mmm,” Bucky purred, worrying at his earlobe with his teeth and making Sam’s toes curl against the floor. “Or we could stay right here.” 

Sam felt his dick twitch at the thought, eyes squeezing shut again. Bucky felt it too, if his soft laugh and the way he rocked down against him were anything to go by. 

“Like that, huh?” he teased. “Like the idea of fuckin’ me right here, in plain view of the elevator, where anyone could walk in and see us? Tony and Rhodes, or Natalia…” He pulled back so he could meet his eyes. “Or Steve?” 

Sam actually whimpered at that, the sound as involuntary as the way his hips thrust up against him. Bucky gasped a little at the sensation, breath hot and heavy, blunt nails dragging over the back of his neck. 

“Oh yeah,” he breathed. “That’s what I thought. You got it for him bad, huh?” 

Sam whimpered again, the sound flat out embarrassing, and his cheeks flushed a little, even as he kept rocking up against him. “Bucky,” he choked. “Jesus fucking Christ, Bucky.”

Bucky grinned, going back to teasing over his neck and throat, one hand sliding up under his t-shirt to drag over his bare skin. “Come on,” he purred, grinning against his skin. “You’re half hopin’ he does walk in, aren’t you? That he sees how pretty you look, gettin’ fucked. The way your body gets so tense, like it hurts how bad you want it, the way those pretty eyelashes of yours flutter...” He grinned when they did exactly that. “Just like that. You want him to come in and see how good you’d be for him too, if he just asked.” 

“Holy shit,” Sam whispered, forcing his eyes open to meet Bucky’s shit-eating grin. “You’re fucking crazy, baby.” 

It was said with a tone of awe in his voice, and Bucky just beamed wider. 

“You love it.”

“Fuck yes I do.” He pried one hand from his hip, tangling it in his hair to drag him in for another kiss. This one was messier, Sam licking at his lips desperately. His cock was straining against his jeans now, almost hurting he was so turned on, and little noises slipped past his lips every time Bucky rocked down against him. “Fuck, baby, please,” he whined, gripping both his hips again as he ground up against his. 

“Please what?” he teased, and Sam made a frustrated noise. 

 “Please, let’s go upstairs, I need to be inside you like yesterday.” 

“I don’t know,” Bucky hummed. He shoved up the hem of Sam’s shirt, getting it stuck somewhere under his armpits, and Sam shivered beneath him as the cooler air of the room hit his overheated flesh. “I don’t think you want it bad enough.”

Sam groaned, louder than he really meant in the quiet of the common area, and let his head fall back against the chair. “Trust me baby, I really, really want it.” He slid his hands up over Bucky’s thighs, gripping his ass and squeezing, holding him tight against him as he thrust up once, twice, couldn’t seem to stop himself from doing it again and again. He groaned again, biting at Bucky’s lip until he could taste blood and then soothing the sting with his tongue. “Want you so bad.”

Finally Bucky seemed to be cracking, shivering a little against him. He was breathing hard, soft moans slipping out at the feel of Sam’s hands, and Sam could feel Bucky’s fingers trembling lightly against his neck. Still, he managed another wicked smirk. 

“Wanna hear you say it,” he purred. 

“Say what?” Sam asked, playing dumb, and Bucky narrowed his eyes, giving him a dirty look. 

“You know,” he told him, and then he was dropping his head, flicking at a nipple with his tongue before biting down, and Sam actually shouted as his back arched. 

“Fuck,” he gasped, voice breaking needily. “Okay, fine, yes. I want... I want...” He moaned, eyes squeezing shut. “I want Steve to see me,” he whispered. The words were soft, almost defeated sounding, but the way his hips jerked against Bucky, cock twitching in his pants, belied how true they really were. “Fuck, baby, please.” 

Bucky moaned too at the admission, and then his hands shifted down Sam’s body, fumbling with his belt. “Yeah,” he murmured, pulling it free with a clang of metal and working on his fly. “Come on, want you to fuck me.” 

Sam made a noise dangerously close to a sob as Bucky pulled him free, thighs tensing almost painfully as he wrapped his hand around him, giving him a couple lazy strokes. The mission hadn’t exactly been conducive to getting off, and for a brief second that quick touch was nearly enough to make him come. He groaned, willing himself back from the edge as he moved his shaking hands down Bucky’s legs. 

“Yeah, yeah, come on baby, come on.” He was barely even aware of what he was saying, but couldn’t seem to stop talking as Bucky shifted up on his knees over him. He shoved his sweatpants down over his thighs, and Sam had a brief moment to worry about their decided lack of lube before Bucky was wrapping his hand back around him, holding Sam steady. Sam cursed as he slipped inside, Bucky already open and loose for him, tight around the head of his cock. Sam’s head dropped down, forehead pressing against his chest as he tried to catch his bearings, breathing hard. 

“Oh god,” Bucky whined, taking him in slowly, dragging it out to tease them both. “Feel so good.”

Sam bit into his lip again as he slid down another inch, peppering kisses over his neck and chest. “Fuck, you’re a menace. You… You already… Fuck, when did you get yourself ready for me, baby?” He pulled a hand away from Bucky’s ass, digging into his own thigh instead as he struggled to take the edge off, to keep from coming right there. 

Bucky lifted his head to smirk at him, flushed and panting, hair falling in front of his eyes. “Happy birthday,” he snarked, leaning in to tug at Sam’s lower lip.

After what felt like an age, Bucky was finally fully seated, Sam buried inside him. He had his head pressed to his forehead, teeth worrying at his collarbone, trying to distract himself from how tight and hot and he was around him. His entire body was tense and on edge, fighting back the urge to tip Bucky onto the floor and fuck him until he was screaming beneath him. 

“Hey.” Bucky’s fingers scratched over the back of his head again and he looked up to meet his gaze. His eyes were heavy and blown, but he was smiling at him, soft and sweet. “You okay?”

Sam nodded, smiling a little dozily. “Yeah, no, I’m good,” he assured him before Bucky clenched around him, unable to stop himself. Sam whined, eyes squeezing shut again. “Oh fuck, I’m gonna come.”

Bucky laughed softly, and then dug his nails into Sam’s shoulder, the sensation sending shivers through him but also helping to ground him. “Not yet,” he said, the slightest edge of pleading slipping into his voice. “Just let me...”

He shifted his weight, adjusting his position, and then he tightened his thighs against him and shifted up his cock, hesitating with just the head holding him open before sliding back down again. Sam groaned loudly, never able to get over how good Bucky felt, and his head tipped back again, exposing his neck and throat as Bucky began to fuck himself on Sam, holding tight to his shoulders for leverage. 

“Fuck,” Bucky gasped, voice hoarse and throaty. “You look so good like this, sweetheart.”

He was trying to go slow, he really was, but couldn’t seem to stop himself from picking up the rhythm, Sam’s thick length feeling too good to resist. 

Sam felt like he was on a hair trigger, and all he seemed to be able to do was grip tighter to Bucky’s flesh, try to hold on just a little longer. He couldn’t manage to open his eyes, the feeling and the sound of Bucky’s desperate panting, harsh against his neck, nearly enough to set him off. 

He nearly lost his mind entirely when Bucky started talking again, telling Sam how gorgeous he looked, how much he loved to watch him fall apart, how much Steve would love it, and how he wanted to watch the two of them together. 

“Oh fuck,” Sam choked out, and without meaning to his arms were moving, fucking Bucky harder on his cock, setting a fast and almost brutal pace. “Oh fuck, Bucky, baby.” 

He was so close he could taste it, cock thickening and throbbing inside him, when some vague part of his brain heard a new noise, and then-

“Oh my god!”

Sam’s head snapped up, eyes immediately locking with Steve’s. For a minute Sam froze, making frantic eye contact with Bucky, but Bucky just squeezed around him, and Sam couldn’t help the groan that slipped past his lips. 

“Oh god,” Steve said again, eyes wide. “I’m so... I’m sorry.” But he wasn’t moving, wasn’t heading back toward the elevators, was just standing there, watching them.

Sam couldn’t tear his eyes away, gaze locked on sharp blue ones. His hands tightened painfully on Bucky’s ass, and Steve’s tongue flicked out, the tip wetting pink lips, and Sam couldn’t hold back anymore. With a bitten off cry, he was coming hard, burying himself completely in Bucky, and barely aware of Bucky falling apart around him in response. 

His head had tipped forward against Bucky’s shoulder, unable to keep his eyes open through an orgasm like that, but when he opened them again, Steve was still standing there, cheeks flushed hot and red, eyes wide and mouth parted. 

“I, um, I should...” He trailed off, not actually finishing the sentence, and whipped around, getting right back on the waiting elevator. Before the doors shut, he sent one more look over his shoulder that Sam couldn’t even begin to read. 

He hadn’t forgotten about Bucky, exactly, but he had been a little preoccupied, enough that he started a little when he shivered against him, a huff of warm air hitting Sam’s shoulder. 

“Shit,” Bucky breathed, lifting his face to meet his eyes. “Did that really just happen?” 

“Um.” Sam was still feeling a little dazed from his orgasm. “Yeah. Yeah, I think it did.” 

“Shit,” Bucky said again, eyes going wide. “I didn’t, I mean… I was just running my mouth, before. I didn’t think -- no one was even in the building, when I found you, and Steve said he was goin’ for a run. I didn’t expect him back for hours. I didn’t like, tell him to come up, or anything, I wouldn’t set that up without checking with you first.” 

“Hey, hey, hey.” Even though this was uncharted territory, Sam couldn’t help grinning a little because god, he loved this man. “I know, baby.” He gave Bucky a quick kiss, chaste, and then another, longer one. “Besides, I didn’t exactly mind? And… I got the impression that Steve didn’t either.” 

Bucky smirked at him. “I can work with that,” he teased, before squirming a little on top of him. Sam was still pressed inside, but slowly softening, and it was getting a little uncomfortable. 

“Come on,” Sam said, helping Bucky shift off of him. “Let’s go to your place, get cleaned up. And then I’m thinking you and me gotta date with that comfy bed of yours. I’m gonna need to sleep until at least tomorrow before we start deciding on next steps.” 

Bucky grinned back at him. “A man with a plan. I like that.”

@tonystarkbingo

[1zdex]

tagged by @bunnycykes (thank you so much!!!! this made me smile)

RULES: answer the following 22 questions and then tag however many people you’d like!

STARZY WILL PROCEED WITH MORE INFO THAN ANYONE ASKED FOR

Name: except here. as i put out too much info about myself as it is im sorry but you guys are still getting my penname unless we’re close Maria

Nickname: Starzy, Starz, Aqua, H20, Ryan/Brennt mun, Kitty, Lil Mouse, Badger, idr any others. There’s probably mean nicknames I don’t know about *killed*

Zodiac sign: PEGASus!!!!!!!!!! I don’t put any stock in astrology (but the actual sign is virgo. Just for the record. Whatever the horoscope tells you will probably be completely wrong. For me. ;) )

Height: 5′2″ last i checked. which was a while ago but. i’m pretty sure i haven’t grown.

Hogwarts house: *looks up my last answer* Kindlehorn. The one that everyone hates because we shun magic. They hate us so much for ruining the ‘fun’, they wrote us out of history. JK Rowling was disgusted with us and dumped us from the pages of her chronicles. but we have Jesus so we’re overall content not to care. (this makes much more sense in context of my previous answer but I don’t want to copy/paste ;P Just listen to my insane ramblings instead.)

Last thing I googled: ...my zodiac cuz i care so little i never bother to retain what it is in my memory. busted. But that only proves how i literally just don’t put any stock in it. I only look it up for... “quizzes” merely for sake of curiosity because those quizzes ONLY give you an answer based on the zodiac. Zodiacs are based on constellations. But honestly? No idea what virgo looks like in the sky. I tend not to like what the constellations “draw”. They look better as just dots of light imo. Stars are great by themselves. ...Before that I looked up the lyrics to Relient K’s “Don’t blink�� even if both were technically Bing because even though Bing S U C K S I’m literally too lazy to change it back to google after it forced itself onto my browser without consent.

Favorite musician(s): Relient K, The Classic Crime, Skillet, Superchic[K], Evanescence, Within Temptation, Tenth Avenue North... well i typically just kinda pick songs here and there from artists so it’s kinda hard to say beyond that? I love some of Cascada’s stuff. Asking what genres i like--wait. Nevermind.

Last song I listened to: Grey by Barlowgirl

Song stuck in my head right now: um. i’m literally still listening to the aformentioned song. Is it possible to have another song stuck in your head as you listen to a song? maybe? i can’t remember.

Followers: 299. I can’t wrap my head around it. I don’t even roleplay on this blog anymore. I have to assume it’s because i stopped posting ooc (usually...) and so even though I don’t post roleplay stuff, I still reblog psa stuff. Whenever I say stuff ooc people generally ignore me lmao

Following: 837. (about 200 are rp and the rest are asthetic/writing/other) no offense to anyone but thank God most of them are inactive bc i have an obsession with scrolling my dash which has become a major problem on my 15 minute work breaks trying to go down to the last post i remember on my dash within a time limit and usually this means I end up taking more than 15 minutes -- *inhales* im a bad worker

Amount of sleep: i try to get 8 hours every night but that doesn’t always happen. sometimes i don’t so well, and sometimes i have the morning available so when i wake up and my lethargy kicks in like i only slept 4 hours... i go back to bed and sleep up to 12 hours which im trying not to do anymore. im missing out on life.

Lucky number: another thing i don’t really believe in but as far as my fav number i always liked 5 for some reason.

What I’m wearing: blue jeans, black jacket that fits just right, and underneath it, an “emo” sweater hoodie that’s actually really too small for me but no one can tell because it’s under my zipped-up-jacket. i like this shirt. even if no one can see it. >> m i n e

Dream job: lol, i gave up on dream junk. but i do want to keep applying to the local humane society. that would be a more comfortable work environment for me personally. im not much of a dog person though so i would want to work with cats. Don’t hate dogs. Just... i don’t like being licked. mew

Dream trip(s): I’ve been getting into my Bible more {kinda}, and the more i do i’ve lightly had the thought of seeing Israel. I’m not like... set on it though. I honestly don’t know if there’s anywhere I really care about going in particular anymore?

Favorite food(s): no idea what it’s called: cream of mushroom soup cooked and blended with beef over rice. kinda similar to S.O.S. I also like Ramen, Pho, and (a bunch of other things yet i’m picky?) chips and salsa.

Instruments: My favorite instrument is the Triangle. I can play a mean rendition of “Infinite” by Dangerkids... @fritzymagpies and khloe have heard it. They can attest. It is super bad!! (on your ears)

Languages: just english. i tried to learn spanish for school. no hablo bien. muy mal. muy. i can’t really say anything else in spanish. That’s 3 years of learning folks, down the drain.

Favorite song(s): mmmm... i have no idea. well one i like is “It’s a Dream (Anesthesia remix)” by East Clubbers.

Random fact: i talk too much. about nothing. BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT, DIDNT YOU. (starzy’s next big feat: learning to be mute. and not be judged for it.)

Aesthetic: fairytales, Jesus, star shapes, actual stars, mermicorn stuff, sparklies, kitties, and pink/purple/blue or pastel color schemes. (blue tho)

tagging - KHLOE I CAN’T TAG YOU DANGIT--wait bwahaha @m3dicinal-music, @fritzymagpies, @theaiexperiment, @sacredprayer, @the-dark-omochao, @the-inked-quill, aaand uh. i think i’m a bit shy to tag anyone else (if they find this info too personal or whatnot i don’t know them well enough) so IF YOU WANNA, STEAL THE MEME. THING. (i don’t condone any other type of theft tyvm)

[rabtownsend]

Speaking of rants, here’s one:

Earlier today, a model I follow on instagram was going on a tirade about how photographers don’t give back photos for ages and ages.

I’m sure there are plenty of photographers who are just lazy and/or possessive of their photos.

But here’s why it takes me a long time to deliver photos from trade shoots:

Let’s say, on average, i spend half an hour editing a given photo. Sometimes it’s less. Sometimes it’s more.

I don’t use photoshop actions - mostly because there is no single setting that will make every photo look good. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. I need control over every aspect I can from the beginning - and, to a greater degree, I find the editing process to be fun when it’s improvisational, and I discover or develop new techniques to overcome challenges or make my images look cool as I’m editing them. Lazily clicking a button and saying “it’s done now” is not for me - and if I were to adjust the settings in the action after the action, why bother with the action?

So, in some cases, yeah, half an hour per photo. Sometimes much more. Sometimes 5 minutes.

So, let’s say, on average, I take 300 pictures on a given model shoot.

That’s not far off. I get close. I don’t edit all of the photos, but I try to edit as many as appear to be viable. Why not just the “best”? Because I don’t know which ones are the best until I’ve seen them all edited. Any unedited photo has the potential to become a better one in the editing process. Especially a process like mine. Some photos are very similar to each other, and generally, I end up having to pick one that is subtly, more expressive or interesting, but ultimately, I edit the majority of the photos, and then decide which ones are worth posting.

I can’t say how many, because that varies pretty widely, depending on how happy I am with the results of the shoot.

If we pretend that I’m going to edit all 300 - which I’ll admit is more than I typically would - that comes to 150 hours.

So, let’s say, as well, that I have a day-job, and that I can only spare about 2 hours of my free time per day on editing - which, if you’re a person with a job and a commute - can translate pretty easily to all of the free time I have.

That spreads 150 hours of work out over 75 days. That’s 2.5 months.

Factor in the fact that I’m not always going to have time to edit. I’m not always going to have the energy to edit. Sometimes I’ll have more time. Sometimes I’ll have more energy. Sometimes I’ll edit fewer photos. Sometimes I’ll edit more.

My point is:

It is well within the realm of possibility that a hobbyist photographer who does trade shoots, and has a day job, will take 2-3 months to deliver photos.

Now, I can’t leave it at that, because I have to admit my own fallibility/culpability on this matter.

I am not good at giving back photos immediately after I finish editing them.

Here’s why:

I’m obsessive compulsive, and a perfectionist when it comes to my own work. Before I can deliver photos to a model, I have to give them all a second pass, and add my little watermark (which is unintrusive, by my standards), and resize to a resolution that makes sense for how the model is using it (i.e. not gigantic). That takes time and energy.

Sometimes, I shoot too close together with different models to be able to meet the same standard that I would if I had no other photos to edit - i.e. I end up with a backlog that means one model has to wait for me to finish editing another model’s shoot before I even get started on theirs.

I do feel possessive of my photos (not that the model doesn’t have a claim to the same possessiveness). Ultimately, the audience dynamic between successful freelance models and hobbyist photographers is that the model gets the lion’s share of feedback, praise, interest, and attention, and the photographer gets... less of that. That’s not something I can change, but it’s irksome and disheartening.

Which is all just to say that there is a reluctance in me to let go of something that I have spent 150 hours of my life on, vs. the 2 hours that the model spent posing for them. All models deserve to be compensated for their time and effort, and if trade is what’s agreed on, we have to be willing to let go of that reluctance and control.

But, like... pretty solid case for paying models instead.

[myuun]

do you live in nz? is it better than usa?

I do live in New Zealand! 

HMM… In some ways? I haven’t been to many parts of the US, I mostly stuck to the Southern states and have been to just the general touristy states like New York and California… but even then I haven’t seen all that much and I was a teenager and I really… can’t remember perfectly anymore… ;v; oh my god, I really can’t, I’M SO OLD NOW.

I have also not explored a lot of New Zealand, just Wellington (I live here!) and the nearby towns. 

My perspective comes from being raised on a small city in Mexico and studying in a small city in Texas, so I’ll go from there. 

I’ll go from the cons, cause that’s funner! 

CONS OF NEW ZEALAND:

- EXPENSIVE. Expensive. Expensive. If you come with American Dollars you gain more NZ dollars which is great. But the country is damn expensive. I’m used to my groceries for two people go to the hundreds per week. EASILY. Buzzfeed, save your words, I can’t save money on many things. Some things I can (which I’ll talk about in a bit). 

- You pay rent per week. Welcome to hell. Also, getting an apartment is the hardest thing you’ll ever manage to do. Don’t even talk to me about finding a job, even a temporary one. 

- Biggest bummer: NEVER ENOUGH JUNK FUCKING FOOD. NEW ZEALAND HAS THE STOMACH OF AN 80 YEAR OLD. Cheetos? Nope. Rice Krispies? NAH. VARIETY OF CEREALS? NO UNLESS YOU LOVE NUTS AND GRAINS. I have such cravings for shitty food. I miss simple, beautiful greasy food. POUR ME A BOWL OF PANDA EXPRESS ORANGE SHRIMP. Everyday I dream about Chick-fil-a and I weep. This country has things similar… but everything here is very healthy… too healthy. Which I guess its good, but when you are raised on grease, you miss it ya’ll. 

- It can get boring depending on where you are. New Zealand pretty much closes shop… early. In small towns, malls are closed by 5:30PM (a shocking discovery!). Most restaurants, if they serve at night, they close by… 9-10PM. It is shocking if something is open after that, and it is most likely a bar. We are pretty much in by 6PM and if we are out… we are definitely running late or its a blue moon. 

- EARTHQUAKES. This needs no explanation. I hate earthquakes. PETRIFIED. And I live on the top floor and it feels HORRIBLE. No thanks.

- No matter where you go you’ll hit water. My husband loves that we are on an island… I… feel uncomfortable? It’s a small country, we could sink easily if a tsunami hit. This is a bit half and half, it depends on who you talk to. For me, I… I’m not that big into islands. I like land.

- It’s a small country. Again, this depends on who you ask. Some people love it. I personally like it… to an extent. Im at the bottom of the north island and you can get to the top of it within 8 hours. That is… insane. That is HALF THE COUNTRY DOWN. It’s TINY.

- It’s small, so fashion, food, games, fads… all come later for us. So anything trending in the US… we know about it. But we cannot get it until a year later. It’s a cute joke that NZ is always ten years behind.

- The hole in the ozone is right about New Zealand, so you CAN get sunburned on cloudy days. It has happened to me, I swear. There is a SPECIFIC sunscreen made here by the cancer society because skin cancer is so prominent. Wear sunscreen! Fun fact: sun screen is also expensive. 

- It’s an island… and yet fish is expensive as HELL. ????!?!??? wh???!whw??? seafood restaurants? what??? who??? for the rich??? same with milk btw

- Lack of true racial understanding. This is a personal one, which I’ll elaborate on. There are SO MANY FOREIGNERS HERE. So many. But white people are the majority. So a lot of white people… have really strong stereotypes about people of color. I, personally, had never seen such incredible diversity before of religion, race, and nationality so to me, it’s amazing how much I learn, but… its a bit cringy as well how a lot of New Zealanders (especially older ones) are… quite… racist… Then again, this happens everywhere. I just thought with such a colorful variation of population… it would be more… open. And it is! But… ya know… YA KNOW.

- People don’t say bless you when you sneeze. ok I know its a small thing but it BOTHERS ME. 

- People pretty much dress the same… almost… the same. 90s style hipsters.

- So much hipster. 

- HILLS. SO MANY UPHILLS. SO MUCH… WALKING. if you’re into climbing, and foresty, and biking this is the country for you. But I’m not. 

PROS OF NEW ZEALAND:

- No matter where you go, it will always… always be stunning. I have a bit of a mocking attitude when people go to “scenic spots” because I feel it’s a waste of time? Personally… THE ENTIRETY of the country is a giant scenic view. No matter where you look, it’s absolutely beautiful. I look out my window and it faces another building and yet the sky and the trees are gorgeous. 

- The air is so fresh, that it cleared my skin. This is a no-joke, my skin actually got better when I lived here for a month and then went back to Mexico, and it burst into pimples. It’s so fresh here and almost NEVER humid. Sometimes, but its tolerable. 

- There is little, to no danger. We can walk at midnight in fling flang wherever and the likelyhood of me getting robbed is pretty minimal. It HAPPENS but it’s so so so rare. The newspaper writes about your neighbor’s tomato farm (seriously). Not… murders. 

- Animal care and respect is SO MUCH HIGHER here. As a huuuge animal advocate that lives for her animal shelter, the love and outpour people give their pets is amazing. It’s INCREDIBLY RARE.. AND I MEAN… RARE. To see a stray dog. In fact, mark my words, I’ve never seen a single stray dog. Maybe a stray cat, but cats are outdoors here a lot, so probably not. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THERE ISN’T ANIMAL ABUSE. There certainly are. But not as rampant as in the US or Mexico.

- It’s rare to eat bad food. I will honestly say in the three years of me living here… I’ve had shitty food… four times? five? And every other time… its been amazing. Idk what it is. It’s always… worth every penny. So I can tell you, when it’s bad… ITS BAD. It’s hard though, you really can’t fuck up here (well, at least Wellington).

- People are so… so nice. I think nice people are everywhere, but New Zealand is especially nice. SO NICE. 

- The diversity is amazing. I’ve never seen such a colorful city.

- RECYCLING AND KEEP NEW ZEALAND GREEN. It really has encouraged me to be more thoughtful and resourceful and soon I hope my lazy ass can fucking… whats it called… compost.

- Everything is very close by which can be very convenient. It’s a small country, so we are close-knit. 

- OUR PRIME MINISTEERRR. She is as lovely in person (my husband and I are lucky to have a selfie with her) as she is on TV.

- Tons of events, tons of artsy fartsy stuff, so many things to see. New Zealand encourages so much togetherness in their community so tons of events are honestly done by the entirety of the country. Festivals, community services, art stuff… Markets are AMAZIIING. 

- If you’re into health, gyms are cheap and walking is even cheaper. We walk… everywhere and everywhere is close by.

- Bus system is fucky, but certainly very useable. It’s all we take and it gets you everywhere. 

There is SO MUCH MORE IM SURE, but I’m about to have dinner and I can’t think of anymore. ;v; But I hope this answers your question. 

Overall, I do love New Zealand, but there are tons of things I miss about the US… mostly just the food… and all the food. And my family. It’s weird being in a country that is really far away from the world. It feels a bit isolating at times, but the kindness and community shown in New Zealand is fantastic, and I really love this country a lot. ;v; Please if someone here is close to the Chick-fil-a CEO, I’ll donate to have one open in Wellington. We just got Krispy Kreme… in one airport in Auckland.

Someone please sir… a bag of donuts and chick-fil-a waffle fries…

waffle fries i miss you

I don’t think New Zealand is necessarily better than the US because the US has such variety because of all the states and people and natural beauty, but I will say... politics wise, I do think we have a SLIGHT UPPER HAND THERE, SON. 

[rigelmejo]

NOT MUCH BUT A BIG ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR ME SO IM RECORDING IT.

2/6/2021

I am starting to listen-read to Guardian. Ultimately, I plan to do it the same steps as the original maker of the study method proposed: read in English, listen to Chinese while following the Chinese text, listen to Chinese while using the English translation as a transcript to reference.

I might as well find out how well it works that way!

—-

Anyway, the exciting thing! So I read the Kunlun prologue English, then went to read it in chinese. I can’t listen-read this chapter lol. And I noticed:

1. Reading in chinese right after reading the English, even WITHOUT looking back at the English while reading the Chinese, still results in way more comprehensible Chinese reading (compared to just reading the Chinese without any prep). This is great news, because it means me reading my parallel text pride and prejudice - I could just read the English, then switch to the Chinese, and not bother comparing sentences and still manage to comprehend a lot and pick up some new words! Me being lazy, I love that I won’t need to compare. Also, it means even when I only have texts, I have a way to make a lot more novels Decently Comprehensible even if I’m too lazy to look up any words WHEN reading. For example, 天涯客 - it’s been a drag reading sometimes because I either need to look up a lot of unknown words and intensively read, or it’s too incomprehensible to extensively read while looking up no words. So applying this, if I read an English translation chapter, THEN the Chinese chapter I probably COULD read 天涯客 extensively (maybe only looking up words I’m particularly curious about, not needing to look up so many). It could speed up my reading, and combine the translation since i plan to read that too anyway. I am... so lazy and prefer to not look things up/prefer gently puzzling out meanings, and this seems like a nice way to make extensive reading easier and less draining! In addition, I could pretty easily incorporate it with anything I can find a translation and original for - which is a lot. It would give me a way to make use of my copy of 默读，琉璃, 杀破狼, even if I get too tired to listen-read.

Because that is a major de motivator for listening-reading. It takes intense focus, you can’t take breaks during chapters easily. Intensive reading is a bit easier since you CAN take breaks, but you have to pause to look So much up. Extensive reading is easiest, BUT if the material is too incomprehensible it feel intensely draining. It seems simple as all hell... but reading the translation, then immediately reading the Chinese, makes the comprehension hurdle way less severe and makes extensive reading much easier.

2. The passage I read today was so much more comprehensible, to the point there were only maybe 5 words in 3 pages I didn’t understand. Nearly every word I understood the meaning of, alrhough there were perhaps 5-10 words I did not know how to pronounce (because I vaguely recognized the Hanzi but could not remember spelling, or with context understood the word but the Hanzi themselves were unfamiliar). So like: full comprehension was like 85-90% of the text just thanks to reading the English beforehand. Then another 5% words I could also comprehend I just didn’t know the pronunciations of/the Hanzi were new to me.

This is all roughly me guessing, but basically the experience was SO much less draining. I knew the sentences already, I’m already good with grammar, so the context from the English helped me fill in the guesses of known Hanzi combined meaning X, which were idioms meaning roughly what, which unknown hanzi with known Hanzi meant roughly what. It was so valuable oh my god. I’m just rambling because... I genuinely did not think doing this combo of steps actually made reading much easier. But WOW it sure does, and I love that I could apply this to any language study going forward. (Like I have a parallel text english/french/chinese Le Petit Prince - I’d been avoiding reading the English since I felt it wouldn’t help me practice the other languages, which is true in a way since I’d be testing Where I’m At Skill wise less, However I realize now if I do read the English then immediately go to the French or Chinese I bet I can pick up a TON of new vocab without having to look up in a dictionary or feel I’m slogging through comprehending what’s going on.)

What I read today is Kunlun prologue that I’ve read a few times since I started learning Chinese, since I got the book. I first tried to read it maybe month 7? It was so brutal, I used a dictionary for maybe 4 words, I could barely comprehend anything. Somehow tho I followed the main “gist” bare bones of what was going on - a disaster, Kunlun’s soul fire, shennong talked to him, they think there’s no going back from what’s changed. Looking back I’m impressed and baffled as to how the fuck I even understood that much. At that point I knew maybe 500 words and was literally guessing so much because I valuely knew the meaning of 1000ish hanzi and was making guesses on what they meant combined, making guesses based on grammar (the easiest part), and making guesses based on the Guardian Drama plot I was familiar with. I can’t overemphasize HOW draining this activity was. It also took a long time lol.

Then I tried to read it again around month 11. It felt SO difficult I gave up halfway, could follow what Kunlun was doing a BIT more specifically but all of the descriptions flew right by me. I had no idea how I’d gotten myself to read it prior. At maybe month 12, I tried to read it again intensively that time looking every unknown word up I got through a PAGE. Then I ran it through a machine translator, and compared the translated lines with the Chinese and looked up key words/phrases that I guessed may have translated wrong. I made a rough workable translation of the Kunlun prologue. Which is the English translation I used THIS time, before reading the Chinese. How utterly difficult it felt last time made me not want to try to extensively read it again lol - and I don’t know where I found the strength to focus and try to that very first time. So today I tried to do it again, I’ve been studying 1 year 6 months now. ToT So it took way less time than expected, maybe only a couple minutes longer than it took to read the English (since I stopped to look at less familiar Hanzi and see if I could remember their pronunciation). It was quite comprehensible, at least to a point it didn’t fry my brain. I’m over the moon tbh.

Now with reading-listening, reading the Chinese without audio isn’t necessary (just like one can skip reading the English without audio if they already are somewhat familiar with the text). I just tried it with this prologue since I have no audio for it and wanted to test myself, just to discover a new way I might wanna study in the future! Now I’m not sure if I’ll keep doing it with this listening-reading Guardian thing, since i don’t know if I want to add to the time it takes (tho happily it takes less time than expected to do the Chinese reading doing this). But I’m really happy to know now I can do it, and it feels fun and doable. I’m also pretty sure now I know how I want to read through that pride and prejudice parallel text when I get to it lol -3-)/

[ndksicksxijsksidis]

I’m bored but procrastinating sleeping so I’m gonna make a list of very in-depth new year resolutions so don’t mind me:

• Take👏🏻👏🏻school👏🏻👏🏻more👏🏻👏🏻seriously👏🏻👏🏻 ok so sure, I’m getting ok grades, I’m doing quite well in a few classes. But it’s so obvious how much better I can do, I’m actually going to take on board what my mum and every single teacher has said about me in the past: I have the potential!! I can be intelligent!!! but I need to try hard to reach that potential and I know it’s not just gonna come overnight. There’s certain subjects (e.g. all my sciences and English) that I know I can improve in!! English is more about confidence issues and expressing my opinions, and from now on I’m gonna give myself a target!! I’m gonna answer atleast once in each class. It’s not much I can do it!! I need to stop overreacting at the fact of people “judging me” because like the teacher said on parents evening, there’s a reason I’m in top set!!! I have the capability!!! So I can’t be this bad right? In science I’m just a fucking mess bc I can’t understand it it’s just confusing as heck but I will ask more questions if I’m confused and I need to focus more when I don’t undertanand something, usually when I don’t understand I just give up and instantly switch off but that’s gonna change. In terms of revision I’ll try motivate myself to do just a little bit every day if I don’t have the motivation to do a lot on one day. And I’ll make sure i find my own revision method that works best for me, I’m gonna make sure I do so much better in school now because I remember year 3 when I had my yearly exams and I did so fucking amazing, I want to be able to be proud of myself again instead of putting myself down.

• organisation!!!! this involves school too; @ me don’t fucking leave your homework so last minute it’s such a stupid idea because next thing you know you’re panicking over like 5 homework’s at one time bc you haven’t done any of them and they’re all due in the next two days. My disorganisation leads to so much stress that could easily be avoided if I did (or atleast looked at) my homework the day I get it / a few days before it’s due and not the night before when I’m supposed to be asleep. This also goes for my bedroom because my desks always a mess and then i get too lazy to tidy it bc I’ve left so much on there and i just need to learn to clean up after myself bc wow what a mess.

• P O S I T I V I T Y, there are the few occasions where I think I actually look pretty but that’s when I’ve slapped makeup all over my face, I’m not saying I want to stop makeup all together but I want to feel like I don’t have to put on makeup or straighten my hair to look pretty, which is hard when all your friends and just everyone in your school are slim and beautiful and look exactly like what you want to look like, especially when you see people you love and think are beautiful criticising themselves because they don’t know how much you want to be like them? If I’m not wearing makeup and I haven’t done anything with my hair I have such a negative image of myself, I hate my face and my body, no I’m not “obese” but I’m significantly more overweight than all the people I know my age, and it shows so much that I get upset about it? And I’ve been called fat in the past including by my dad so that doesn’t really help with the negative self image but I just have to learn to love myself!! I also absolutely despise my personality, I hate my voice and every single thing that comes out of my mouth and I just want to be happy with who I am as a person.

• Stop panicking over stuff that’s unnecessary: I get very easily worked up about stuff, whether it’s the thought of someone secretly hating me or getting stressed because I can’t get a question right. Despite my determination to do everything well I need to accept I can’t do everything right, i can’t control who likes me and to be honest why should I care? Because 1) me thinking a certain person hates me for no reason is just me overthinking because im self conscious and 2) if someone does hate me for nothing then fuck them!! They don’t deserve me anyways!! Not everything’s gonna go my way and I have to accept it, I have to let stuff just happen and try not to get sad about it.

• Lose weight - even tho I wanna build my self confidence and be confident with my body whatever It looks like, I’m still going to try and lose weight (which I say every year and then don’t do but like,,, this years going to be my year ok fight me) this isn’t the most major resolution but it would be nice and build my confidence a lot!! It would also be a great “fuck you” to my dad and everyone who’s ever shamed me for my weight.

I have more but they’re more personal and also I just can’t be bothered so bye I’m 99.9% sure no one read this

[brodaveisbad]

there’s gonna be obvious spoilers for the series also trigger warning for rape/rape attempts/mention, cisnormativity and all that shit. I’ll say when it’s coming up. — now bad yaoi anatomy aside, let’s review this masterpiece that isn’t really a masterpiece as you can see this is some yaoi anime called LOVE STAGE!! clearly, since it’s right up there in big pink letters. goddamn that’s bright i watched this a few years ago because some person i knew recommended it to me and swore that it was the best thing ever and even though i didnt really care for it i thought hey, why not give it a shot now let’s just start off saying that this anime is total bullshit so the main guy is the blonde twink here in the glasses.  (is it just me or does it look like his glasses are fogged up and he needs to clean that shit) izumi, or whatever his name is. I don’t know. anyway he lives with his family which consists of well-known celebrities in their big ass house. his parents are actors and they constantly belittle him and push him away from his dreams because they’re pricks he’s an ‘otaku’ aka huge anime nerd, and his art sucks and he’s sweet and weird but pure so come on man don’t fuckin crush his dreams jfc. parents, man he also has a waifu named lala-lulu (what the hell kind of name is that) and has a body pillow of her  the other guy here is a famous actor or something, I forgot his name.  who the hell cares though his new name is douchey mcasshole because thats accurate and I’ll get to why later (and goddamn check out that seme yaoi face a++) –S P O I L E R– anyway they met when the twinks parents were doing a wedding commercial a long time ago when they were kids.  mini douchey mcasshole was supposed to be the one who caught the flowers with some little girl but something happened and that girl couldn’t be there so they were like hey your kid looks like a girl (ugh) so he can fill her place so he did and he was nervous and kept fuckin up so mini douche who wasn’t much of a douche back then gave him a marble for good luck and they got through it they parted their ways and never saw each other again until the company that made said commercial decided they want them back to make a 10 year anniversary reprise or some shit the thing is though, after that commercial mr douche got a crush on izumi but only because he thought he was really a girl and he still fucking had it after all those years, and because he didn’t know and izumi was dressed up as a girl in the first commercial he had to do it again and he didn’t want to but his goddamn parents decided to force him into it like the pricks they still are also while the douche held onto the memory, izumi wiped it from his memory because the majority of it was a terrible experience for him AND he isn’t great at acting anyway so thats great so blah blah blah they get it over with and all that douchey mcasshole still thinks the twink a girl and is actually really nice until okay first let’s introduce this guy  this is the twinks older brother who’s in a boy band or some shit and I don’t like him much because of what he did here but there’s something he’s pretty cool for that’s gonna come up some time after this (also he gave him the lala-lulu body pillow as a reward for getting through that commercial. what a good bro) anyway back to what I was saying –TW FOR CISNORMATIVITY/TRANSPHOBIA TOO MAYBE–
(he isnt trans but still im just being safe here because of the dudes reaction is pretty…. yikes) basically after douchey mcasshole gives him a sweet, heartfelt love confession, izumis brother comes out and proves to him that he’s a guy by proving that he’s got a dick (ehhhhhh) and so douchey mcasshole gets pissed and hates him now for “"tricking”“ him and wasting his time or some bs like that (like i said, yikes) luckily it doesn’t bother izumi that much, but hes still disappointed that he isn’t the nice boy he met 10 years ago then some time later the douchebag realizes that he actually still likes him even though now he knows he’s a dude, so he comes over to get rid of those feelings by burning the fact that he’s a guy into his head so heres when things go to shit –TW FOR ATTEMPTED RAPE/RAPE MENT.– this fucker ends up chasing him around and makes him strip and those feelings don’t go away and instead take over, so tries to force himself on him which is not okay and why I fucking hate him so much luckily though izumis brother comes in and saves the day, thank god  so hes stopped before he can really do anything and leaves out of sheer terror and izumis big bro hates him now and they both lost whatever trust they had for him Izumi locks himself in his room for a while but eventually leaves for school. there he sees the guy at the front entrance or something, the guy notices him and goes to talk to him. flashback time. twink is fucking terrified and RUNS. douchey mcasshole chases him, and izumi thinks hes gonna try that shit he did again. so he kind of escapes, but then some fucking. weird sumo wrestling dudes with animal heads are blocking the way and he can’t get trough (what the fuck)  and yaoi douche catches up to him, then they spin away (I’m done) much to izumis surprise, he isn’t gonna try anything. he bows down on the ground and apologizes, promising not to do it again.  so of course all of his trauma is dropped, he is magically not afraid anymore and forgives him. after this douchey is somehow less of an asshole and acts like a happy cutesy gay guy, and they even go on a date he even helps him out later with his entry for a manga contest thing. and Izumi, the twink, happened to promise his familys manager dude(whatever he is) or his parents or whatever that if he lost he would start his career as a star so of course since his art sucks ass he didn’t make it. poor guy.  (im not gonna lie though. this shit looks worse than the bad anime art i made when i was 11. no fucking wonder he lost) so since im lazy as hell and I don’t feel like explaining the rest of the 10 episodes as a whole, im not gonna do that. skip skip so now he’s finally following his parents footsteps, everyone’s making a big deal about it and he gains popularity pretty fast. as everything’s going on he debates whether or not he has feelings for guys, douchey mcasshole specifically one day he accepts those feelings on that one day he has to hide from something and ends up in an area with this group of creeps.  these creeps saw him on tv before or something, and don’t really believe that he’s a dude so they want to make sure. –TW FOR RAPE ATTEMPT AND CISNORMATIVITY, AGAIN– these guys hold him down, lift up his shirt and see his flat chest and are like aw man, hes really a dude. but then because he still looks cute to them or some shit they try pulling the same shit douchey mcasshole did so just as it’s about to happen again izumi realizes that he only wants douchey mcasshole, so he puts a stop to this and kicks some ass  you go, man. (aw, our little twinkie is growing up) so he escapes, later runs into one of his nerd friends. they were supposed to hang out with some other guys but that didn’t go well since he was chased by fans earlier. and they talk about mr seme and it makes him think of his feelings more or something so he runs off to his house there he knocks on the door, tackles him, kisses him and says he wants to fuck so they fuck and that’s it, that’s the end. they fuck. douchey mcasshole finally gets the ass hes been craving and glasses twink gets the dick. the end, y'all. so what do i think is bs about this? the love interest dude is an asshole obviously, even though he acts like a fucking dork a lot of the time. because of his reaction when he found out izumi was a guy, the fact that he tried to rape him (twice, i didnt mention the second time because fuck that tbh) izumi left behind all of his fear and got over his trauma from what happened immediately which isnt even a thing that happens realistically he also ended up loving his almost-rapist and only truly accepting it when he was about to get gangbanged. and its kind of ridiculous how many times that shit almost happened to him. like, fucking hell, leave this guy alone. he ended up letting go of his dreams like his parents wanted just like that (practice makes perfect, my dude. keep drawing) there are some good things though, the art style is fine aside from the yaoi anatomy and the colors are alright. douchey mcasshole isnt really much of a douche a lot of the time and he does really care for izumi and there were some laughable parts, ive got to admit but jfc those sumo wrestling things, what the hell were they doing there? could they really have been more lazy so anyway i still think its bullshit

[justemotionalabusethings]

What is your abuse story? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. I know it's a sensitive topic for people.

This is gonna be a huge post (I’ll break up the paragraphs so that it’s less overwhelming to look at/read) so it’s under the cut

Okay before my parents even come into the story, there is a brief cocsa story. When I was in kindergarten, there was this boy on my bus in third grade, we’ll call him B. B was one of those “cool kids” (maybe because he was older?) but also he was one of those kids who was loud and annoying. well he started to try to befriend me and he was a bad influence. we used to sit on the bus seats with out backs where our butts would be and vice versa so our legs were sticking up past the seat. we used to crouch in the foot space where your feet or backpack should go. 

we switched seats (that wasn’t allowed). well this kid B also told me a bunch of things, like that I was “hot” and “sexy”. naturally, as a six year old, i didn’t know what the hell that meant but i figured it was good. then one day, he asked if he could touch me down there and i’m pretty sure i was hesitant at first, but then i let him. i still remember what it felt like. im not sure how long passed, or if any time passed, but he asked me again, and i said no. now, this happened toward the end of the school year and in the school i was in third grade was the oldest so he was “graduating” soon. he used this as a means to convince me, saying “i’m only gonna be here for another few days! pleasssseeee” and eventually i gave in, but i didn’t like it. 

So um I would pinpoint the Beginning of it all with my parents as around the time my brother was born when I was 7 years old. I can remember feeling less important and annoying whenever I would try to help my parents with my brother. Usually, they’d just dismiss me and brush me off. For example, my mom would call my brother cute little nicknames like “oodley boodley” and “bugaboo” and stuff like that, so I caught on and started calling him “oodley boodley”. 

I said it All The Time and I guess it got annoying because they’d tell me to stop (and they still talk about how annoying I would say it and how often it was). That hurt my feelings I guess because I was just trying to be a part of this new “brother” thing (but I see what they meant). But generally things were fine, just different. A couple years later in fourth grade I switched schools because my elementary school went up to third grade and my parents thought I’d learn better in a smaller classroom environment. 

That was hard but not because of my parents. I do remember being worried about my grades and what my parents would think. I also think fourth grade was the year I started to feel unusually anxious. I remember that year I also had some drama happen where I wrote on one of the desks “4A (my class) rocks not 4B (the other class)” and there was this whole drama of who did it. I never got in trouble for it though! By fifth grade I had started to procrastinate my work and I can remember being yelled at for it. 

One time, I forgot my textbook to do some kind of homework or studying that was due the next day. They got so mad at me and lectured/ranted about it for a Long Time. This sort of thing happened a lot because I’d procrastinate projects or studying and they’d get Mad about it. The majority of the abuse (if that’s what this is) was ranting/lecturing for at least an hour where mainly my dad (sometimes my mom would join in) would rant about how “mind-boggling” or “insane” it was that I just didn’t learn from my mistakes or whatever. 

I’d usually cry whenever I’d try to stand up for myself or even just talk to them. The night (because this sort of thing usually happened at night) would end with me in my room crying or just sitting on my bed thinking about what happened. It also became a “joke” that at 10 pm each night I’d come downstairs to talk. So when I came down to talk about something serious my dad would always go “Oh, what time is it? Oh, it’s 10 pm, here’s Meg right on time!” and that would make me feel bad. A lot of the time I would come downstairs during my parents’ designated “TV Time” and I wasn’t allowed to interrupt that. 

If I did, it was annoying and a bother and I was treated like a laundry list. Like, “okay, what else do you want? What else?” and so on. So my concerns weren’t really taken as real or important. This got worse and worse as middle school went on, and I can remember during seventh and maybe eighth grade not wanting to go home. I would cry very often and we’d fight very often too. The times when I’d yell back only escalated the situation and made my dad yell more and tell me that he could feel his blood pressure rising. He’d say that one day he’d die of a heart attack because of me. 

My mom would usually try to mediate or calm my dad down, but she got upset at me for making him get upset. I remember one time in eighth grade, this girl at my school looked out her window and saw a man peering in and she didn’t come to school for a few days. That made me scared to open my window or sleep, and when I told my parents this, they only said “there’s no one out there, you’ll be fine” and made me go back upstairs to sleep. Also during middle school, I started showing a talent for golf, and my parents tried to make me play so I could improve and become a better golfer. 

Golf made me anxious though, and whenever I tried to tell my dad that he said it’s insane to think that someone with a talent would dislike whatever it was they were talented at. He cited examples from his childhood where he was talented at drums and would play as often as possible. I felt like I was a bad person for wasting my talent. I also didn’t have any word to describe how I felt (it was anxiety) so that was even more alienating. 

I did my first competitive tournament and cried the whole time and texted my mom begging her to take me home. She didn’t let me because my golf coach told her that’s what a lot of kids did. I don’t think that was the right choice though. Also throughout middle school I found myself trying to be my teachers’ favorite (not to the extreme of teachers’ pet but more like secretly hoping) for some reason. I think I know why now, but I’m not sure. I think it’s because I wanted some kind of normal adult attachment figure (?) but I’m not sure. 

By high school I was a full-on perfectionist and my grades freshman year reflected that. I got straight A’s. My parents were so proud because I also made High Honors’ Dean’s List. I can imagine that we probably fought a lot that year too, but I don’t have any memories of that. Sophomore year was one of the worst years of my high school years because I started to get depressed. My classes were Much Harder than freshman years’, and I started to do badly in some classes. 

I think I did do well overall, but it was the first time I’d ever not cared when I failed a test. I did worry about what my parents would say though, so I hid the test(s) from them. Sophomore year I also tried to quit the swim team because, again, I had this awful feeling (anxiety, but I didn’t know it then) every time I stepped into the pool room. I told my parents this, and they told my coaches and friends, who convinced me to join again. We fought this year too (lectures/rants, etc.) but I don’t have many explicit memories of that. I also started to be late for school every day, and my second period health class teacher asked my parents during parent-teacher conferences if there was something going on at home. 

My parents were upset at me for making him think that because I was just lazy and needed to get out of bed in the mornings. I started therapy this year too because my parents were worried. I was NOT a fan at all. I resisted so hard and I’m pretty sure my therapist thought that there was something going on at home. She said (and still says) that I was like an extension of my parents, like another limb or something, when she first met me. I would always say “I don’t know” to everything and would tear up in session a lot (even though I thought she couldn’t see that, she did). 

Junior year and the end of sophomore year were really hard because we started to look at colleges and my parents started to get all nervous that we were behind in the college process. I had multiple people telling them otherwise, but they still were very on edge about college. We had to plan the financial stuff, write my college essay, apply for colleges, choose which colleges to apply to, and fine tune all the applications. It was a long process and it caused a lot of fights when I didn’t do it how they wanted me to. 

Again, I procrastinated this stuff, because it made me anxious, and this caused more fighting. I can remember one summer (I think it was the summer before my junior year) we talked about what colleges to apply to and the financials and stuff and since I’m studying psychology I’m gonna have to go to grad school so my parents were talking about the cost of college and grad school and all the debt I’d be in and it really overwhelmed me. I started to go to my room and my dad said something like “So you’re just gonna run away to your room now? Okay.” and my mom eventually let me. 

Also junior year was the year that my advisor/college guidance counselor/swim coach noticed that I was different from previous years and he kept asking if I was okay. My parents didn’t want me to tell him or my other swim coach about my therapy or anxiety (I didn’t think I had depression at this point). By the end of junior year I had my first draft of my college essay written, and it was a letter to my parents talking about my anxiety and trying to make them see things how I saw them. 

Eventually, I changed my essay senior year after I re-read it and had a huge “yikes” moment. Senior year was rough because my “friends” started to be even more bitchy towards me (I won’t get into that but long story short they were NOT my friends and they contributed negatively to my mental health). I finally quit the swim team senior year (my parents were disappointed because they enjoyed watching me swim and going to meets, and they wanted to see what my coaches would say about me at the end of the year during the “honoring the seniors” part of the last home meet). 

By junior and senior year, my parents and I’s fighting got less bad because of therapy, but we had our bad moments. This time, it wasn’t huge blowup fights with crying and yelling, it was passive aggressive comments that would make me feel like shit. By the spring of senior year everything was happy and much better because I was graduating and I saw my idol in NYC in a play. I actually invited my mom to see it with me and she said no because she had no interest and thought I just wanted her to pay for my ticket. 

That made me feel awful. And, she also made me feel like shit for spending the money and going to the play after that. I had a project due soon after and she told me that my project looked “half-assed” because I went to the play. Then freshman year of college things were okay. They were Much Better because I was away from home, but a few things happened during the year. I got a tattoo (a semicolon on my left wrist) and I told my parents and they were upset and my mom said she was embarrassed. 

She didn’t want my brother to know because then he’d tell his friends and people would know. I eventually told him and they changed their minds about telling him so it was better, but that still hurt. I also went to NYC with some friends they didn’t like for spring break instead of to the beach (and it was freezing cold during spring break) with my college friends. They flipped out and told me how disappointed they were and that “how could I not see I was making the wrong decision??”. 

So overall, things have gotten better but I don’t think this is very normal. Thanks if you’ve read the whole thing, I know that was long as hell. I also still don’t know if this is considered abusive, but this is my story no matter what. 

[rainandsnowwww]

11 Questions

AYO HERE’S YOUR GURL CHEONG MIN *sparkles*

So I was tagged by my irl pal @rebornasqueen​ and i think this is like the best excuse for me to let you guys get to know me cuz im a lonely potato on tumblr

i’m not tagging anyone cuz i have no tumblr mutuals ;-; im a lonely potato whose notifications solely belong to my irl pal.

let us gooo~

1. Who is your favourite author (can’t say SJM)?

oh man this is the question of the century. how do you pick one??? but if i had to, i would pick JK Rowling because i just love Harry Potter that much (you go, Hermione) If i could pick Sarah J. Maas, I would gladly pick her.

2. Nail polish : yea or nay?

ewww obviously nay. how do you stand having a layer of paint (might as well be acrylic paint) on your finger nails?? like wouldn’t you be worrying if your nail polish chips or gets rubbed off or smth? i’m too lazy for this stuff. on to the next q pls

3. Do you read fanfic outside of this fandom? (SJM) Which?

well duh i read fanfics outside of the SJM fandom. if you want me to list, t could go on forever.

4. If you had to lose one of your senses, which would you choose?

I’ll have to say touch. i probably will not be able to survive without my other senses, but i could definitely do with losing my touch. sure, i wouldn’t be able to feel any sensations, but that’s good right? I wouldn’t be able to feel pain.

5. If you had to choose between ACOWAR being pushed back a year, and a major character death if you got it now, what would you do?

tbh, i haven’t read ACOWAR yet (shocking confession), but i plan to do so after CTs? that is, if i pass my math. if not...

6. Name three books you would recommend to someone if they were feeling down?

kids, dont ask me for book recommendations but here goes

1) Zoella’s books (namely Girl Online, Girl Online : On Tour and Girl Online : Going Solo). those are some really good books and the story line is pretty simple (not too messed up) the romance is quite cute too it should be fine

2) @/bigwoozi’s books “Island Boys” on wattpad. It’s freaking awesome let me tell you. After reading it, I was left thirsty for its sequel, aka the sister book “Save Me”. It’s a story about vampires and a lost queen~

3) ehh how about Julia Golding’s “Young Knights of the Round Table”? It’s actually a kid’s trilogy book, but i like the fantasy/modern/middle times storyline :) the next in the series is “Pendragon” and “Merlin”

7. If you could have a magical power, what would it be?

Any power? Any? I would definitely like clairvoyance. wouldn’t it be so cool to be able to see into the future, or have a supposed sixth sense? hehe

8. Tea or Coffee or Soda or Water?

Say no more, I’ll take a soda anyday. I like my stuff sweet, so soda is the best thing for me. Once it gets too sweet, water will do just fine. 

9. Dessert or Appetisers?

Dessert. no more questions on this.

10. Why do you think some people are ok with being jerks? As in, why does it not bother them to be that way?

thats a good question. i want to know too. i’m pretty sure people are jerks (or assholes like i like to call them) because they’re insecure about themselves! *badum tss* they’ll bitch around about other people and act like jerks so that they’ll cover up their insecurities by focusing on another’s flaws instead. it obviously doesn’t bother them because they forget about their own flaws *badum tss*

11. What is your happiest memory?

Truth be told, I don’t have one. 

Everyday, we’re making new memories, getting new interests, having new favourite hobbies, etc. defining my happiest memory will be the hardest thing for me to do since the definition of “happiest memory” is quite vague and to me, it doesnt exist.

so no happiest memory.