#I do most things for recognition on some level; but in order to feel justified receiving it

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Does anyone else perceive the sensation of jealousy as physically painful? It sucks because I feel jealous of people all the time, particularly if they are better than me at something I like to do, or am in the process of doing.

On the plus side, this painful jealousy has instantly bitch-slapped me out of depressive states and overridden my executive dysfunction on multiple occasions. It makes me extremely productive. But it would be nice to just be happy for people lol

[vonkarma2]

Writing Crow Armitage meta IKR I’m contributing to the problem. God as my witness I will write meta about Kaleela or someone next. But I do think it’s interesting. So with Crow something I think is interesting about his character is two seemingly  very contradictory aspects, which is his excessive humility vs his egotism like ok. He is simeltaneously convinced he can’t do anything and needs external guidance and has a low opinion of himself relative to humanity (and to the people he ranks below ie basically just Dashwood he probably does think he’s better than Hollyhock lmao) + that his own thoughts and feelings don’t matter. But at the same time. He views himself as carrying out an important purpose as part of an important legacy and is condescending to others who don’t share his views, most especially to werewolves of course but also often unintentionally to humans as well. Both above and beneath everyone else.

 I think the layers are like as a child he thought he needed to do something important to help his family. He wasn‘t malicious or anything, but he did have a very high opinion of himself at the time. Thought it was cool that he was nobility, thought he was deserving of praise for his own abilities. And I think he does still carry this to some extent to this day, even though it has been greatly complicated. I think his faith in his own control over transformation + over any dangerous situation he gets into in general can be traced back not just to his success in battle over the years, but also to this time, when he was like 15 and had the overconfidence of a high school boy lmfao. Just genuinely sincerely thought he knew better than everyone else, and had a very high opinion of both his knowledge and his ability. What a fucking loser.

Now as an adult he wants his agency taken away, as we’ve stated before, because he can’t trust himself, because if he does he’ll know he’s made a huge mistake. He is at least generally aware, even if he’s not sure why, that the initial decision to leave his family was wrong. And honestly on some level he probably *does* know specifically that what he’s doing is wrong, because of the regret he would have felt as a teenager the first time he got sent to fucking murder someone with his bare hands. He was canonically very distressed by this, he didn’t actually want to hurt anyone, they had to do a lot of heavy lifting to convince him it was justified both before and after the fact. So it’s the regret from that and the recognition of the initial decision to take the aconite in the first place as where it kind of all went wrong that he started his classic strategy of compensating for internal doubt by quadrupling down on what other people are telling him.

So that’s where you see the start of ignoring his own thoughts and beliefs and actively playing into the ideology as a way to cope with the reality of his situation. The ideology says he’s beneath humans, he’s an extension of the Equipoise’s will, he has to take orders from the Prime Gardener because he’s the one who knows what’s best to protect humanity. So of course he does, he genuinely believes in all of this, starts thinking that not only his own beliefs but also straight up his life is not valuable except with regards to being a tool of lycanthropy.

But that’s not all that other people are telling him, right. Part of the manipulation is kind of stroking his ego a little, or more so, like, exaggerating his importance. The outside world is full of heretics full of killers you’re the only thing standing between humanity and the total violence most werewolves are either actively perpetuating or want to. This idea of his own importance contributes to his conviction, right, because it adds a sense of urgency and necessity, and it also associates that with being above other werewolves. 

The commitment to all of this where the contradiction comes in, right. Because he is so completely devoted to the ideology as a way to cover up his own doubts, he can’t let other people question it or go against it either, so in a way it is like he is believing his judgment to be above questioning whereas theirs is not. He is above questioning because he’s replaced his own thoughts with other peoples’, and he sure as hell isn’t going to question them. He becomes like very condescending and very adamant about the points of view others have given him.

So it’s like both sides of the coin. He’s so convinced he’s right about everything because he knows he’s horribly wrong. 

Tangent that’s only semi-related: Another thing with him that’s kind of funny is that because he has not successfully repressed every single thought and desire he has, he becomes very adherent to the letter and not the spirit of the law, right, which you can see in the main story with taking Lennox with him on one of his missions just because he wanted to impress him, thus putting him directly in danger. He doesn’t see a problem with this because the Sanctum can’t take issue with it as long as they never find out, so he isn’t violating any orders :). This makes him a massive fucking hypocrite and an even worse person, but it’s also very funny. Do not take my word for this last paragraph though because I’m not 100% sure on all the details here. The spirit of what Im saying is correct he is a hypocritical bitch for sure

[anamericangirl]

Look, I'm all for learning about other cultures and religions and representing them correctly but wow you do not understand the history of Christianity and you are misrepresenting it to a very ridiculous degree here in your post.

And saying Christians are guilty of "religious-based colonialism" is one the most cringe things I have ever seen. I really wish y'all would stop using the word colonialism and applying it to everything you don't like because you don't know what it means and you're using it wrong.

But like, first off, Christianity is the most popular religion in the world (and this is not because christians "colonized" most of the planet. miss me with that shit. I'm not in the mood to give a whole history lesson to you right now but that's just an absurd thing to say) and it is the dominant religion in the west. It's not surprising that the main Christian holidays are recognized on a federal level because most people in the country, whether they are religious or not, celebrate them. It's not a bad thing. And no one is marginalized or oppressed because their religious holiday isn't observed on a federal level when there aren't nearly as many people in the country that celebrate it.

In Arab countries that are largely dominated by the religion of Islam, Christian holidays don't get the same recognition as the Islamic ones. Is that wrong? Or is it what would be expected?

Not every religious holiday for every religion is going to be recognized on an equal level when it's only applicable to a much smaller number of people.

Secondly, Christian holidays are not pagan! They don't have pagan roots and they did not "co-opt" and "christianize" them. That's a common misconception but it's utterly untrue. Just because it falls around the same time as old pagan holidays or even uses some of the same traditions (which were not exclusive to pagan practices btw) doesn't mean we stole pagan holidays. There are similarities between the way the winter solstice and Christmas are celebrated but they are celebrated in much the same way all special occasions are celebrated due to human social tradition. Not because we're all stealing pagan rituals. And christians did not "christianize" the winter solstice until it turned into modern Christmas. They were always two different celebrations that had nothing to do with each other.

"The places where Christianity isn’t the dominant religion, however, is mostly composed of non-white people, specifically Arab, South Asian, and East Asian. So these “but what about where Christianity is appropriated” often end up sounding like “why aren’t you persecuting people of colour”, which sounds like trying to justify racism against people over there to me."

I feel like this is really the crux of what you're getting at. You're just trying play the racism card.

When you hear someone call you out on your double standard of not caring as much when christianity is appropriated by other religions and you change it to "why aren't you persecuting people of color" that's a problem with you, not the person asking the question. No one could logically hear that question instead unless they want to.

How the heck is that trying to justify racism? Sounds like you just use the race of people to avoid addressing your ignorance and double standards. Which sounds a lot like you're the racist one in this scenario.

Christians aren't "appropriating" Native American beliefs. You don't have to understand other religions 100% in order to use them in your writing or whatever. It's not appropriation to be interested in something you don't know everything about. You guys want your traditions and religions recognized on an equal level as everything else and appreciated by everyone but at the same time tell anyone who tries to use it for anything that they are "appropriating" it if they don't do it exactly right. You just want to be a victim and call everyone a racist.

Meanwhile you did a terrible job describing the global history of christianity and and explaining what you refer to as "christian appropriation" and why you think it's more ok to appropriate things if you're non-white because idk for some reason the western world is the only one you really care about and for some reason the things everyone around the world does are only bad when done in the west because we're mostly white I guess. but I'm not going to say you're appropriating christianity. I just think you're uneducated (and a tad racist) and shouldn't be saying stuff like this about something you clearly know nothing about.

Cultural Christianity, Christian Appropriation, and Derailment

Periodically, I discuss the concept of cultural Christianity, the dangers of authors mucking with folklore that is not theirs, and what you have to guard against when you’re a part of a culturally Christian society.

And every time I do, like clockwork, Christians come in and say “but what about [non-Christian nation appropriating Christianity], hmmmmm????? That’s just as bad!”

So let’s talk about all of it.

Cultural Christianity

For starters: What is cultural Christianity?

Cultural Christianity is the fact the Western calendar is primarily built around two things: farming, and Christianity

Our dedicated time off that is mostly guaranteed to all workers are Christian holidays. Easter, Christmas, Good Friday. The time between Christmas and New Year is also prone to being off and this also in some dominions has Christian events.

And yes, I know that most of these holidays actually have pagan roots. Christianity co-opted them and thoroughly Christianized them, to the point their re-paganization only really started in the 1800s… by people who were also culturally Christian, and often wrote whole books on Christianity on top of their neo-pagan beliefs.

It’s how Christmas is considered a “neutral, secular” holiday, when it’s celebrating the birth of Christ. It’s how the concept of “other religions” exist, let alone the fact they have to ask for time off for their own holidays that count against their personal vacation time, when Christians often don’t have to do that. It’s how you see more churches than mosques or synagogues in the West by a very large factor.

There are very few places in the West that are not, on some level, culturally Christian. Some very insular communities might be able to escape a lot of the trappings of Christianity, but still. The government mandated days off are mostly Christian things. 

Cultural Christianity means everyone who was raised in a culturally Christian society has a Christian lens. They are aware of Christianity, its holidays, its general story, its values. 

This translates to them having to unlearn all of this and learn a whole new framework when they begin researching other folklore (Native religions, in my case, but this also applies to other religions such as Judaism and Islam) cause other folklore/religions do not have the same holidays, values, or even relationship to the deity in question.

Christian Appropriation

So in a non-Christian society, it is possible to appropriate Christianity. Because the same factors that have Christians appropriate everything else in the West are at play with a different dominant religion.

This mostly shows up in Japanese media. Japan has Shinto/Buddhism as a dominant religion, and you’ll often hear anime or manga artists say they simply picked Christian imagery because it looks cool.

And I agree this is disrespectful! It is really not fun to watch sacred imagery of your beliefs be used because “it looks cool” and I would love it if all appropriation of others’ beliefs ended.

But that often isn’t the focus of the posts getting these comments.

Derailment

This is twofold.

1- Very few places where Christianity isn’t the dominant religion exist.

Because Christian nations colonized most of the planet, there are a lot more culturally Christian places than you probably want to admit, if you’re the kind of person who pulls “but what about the appropriation.”. This includes a lot of Africa, a lot of Southeast Asia, a lot of Oceania, a lot of South America, basically all of North America, and basically all of Europe. 

You might disagree with how they practice Christianity, but they are still Christian. This means they are culturally Christian. Just not your culturally Christian.

But, as I mentioned in the previous section, appropriation can happen. It just doesn’t happen much in the English speaking world, and I am speaking to the English speaking world. Specifically, the Western English speaking world, which is very much culturally Christian.

The places where Christianity isn’t the dominant religion, however, is mostly composed of non-white people, specifically Arab, South Asian, and East Asian. So these “but what about where Christianity is appropriated” often end up sounding like “why aren’t you persecuting people of colour”, which sounds like trying to justify racism against people over there to me.

2- You are trying to say you are as much of a victim as us, when you are not

If you live in the West, you are culturally Christian unless you have grown up very deeply entrenched in a non-Christian community.

You have grown up with a wide, wide, wide variety of Christian stories, Christian based stories, Christian values/worldviews-as-default told to you your whole life. Some of it has been terrible, some of it you disagree with, but by and large, every story has some infusion of Christianity to it. Some of the most popular fictional texts are deeply religious things, like the Chronicles of Narnia.

You have not had your religion forbidden from being practiced, to you personally.

You have only seen true appropriation in very recent times, because of the influx of non-Western media being imported.

You have not had your sacred places constantly, consistently infringed upon and destroyed for reasons like “an observatory” or “a pipeline” or “a dam” or “a mine”.

You may have dealt with misunderstandings and miscommunications but you have rarely had somebody fundamentally misunderstand what Christianity is (Jesus as lord and saviour, died for our sins, we should try to live a more godly life and a good life to get into Heaven and get eternal happiness).

Native people have not had any of those luxuries, and it has mostly been culturally Christian people who have taken what is ours and turned it into what they wanted it to be. 

We have Christian pagans (paganism was founded and codified in the Victorian era, so no, it’s not “ancient wisdom” but more Victorians—who were definitely culturally Christian—interpreting everything to prove Christianity as more universal than it was*) peddle dream catchers and calling themselves medicine people and burning sage to the point it’s endangered, all trying to claim they’re “following Native practices” when they’re not.

So when I’m speaking to somebody in the Western world, 95% of the time I will be speaking to somebody culturally Christian. 

*When you start to track the “studied ancient mysteries” things, you either find types like the Theosophical Society that wildly appropriated Hinduism and Buddhism to fit their own ends and often put in messiah figures into them to show how there’s a Christ everywhere on the planet, or you start to dive into people who took Christianized recordings of folklore who may or may not have sipped some “older religions are better for noble savages reason” juice.

It’s very often racist and pulling from records written down by missionaries who had a vested interest in modifying the folklore in question, or from people who’d already been Christianized, so its validity is questionable.

Beginning to Unlearn

If you want to learn more about cultural Christianity and how to be more respectful of non-Christian belief systems, take a look at the this post and the folklore tag in general. Those are great starting places for you to do deeper research into whatever marginalized belief you’re looking to use.

I’d also suggest earnestly learning about other belief structures’ customs, challenging your assumptions of what is neutral and universal and the proper way of doing things. You might find a lot of surprising things that you weren’t expecting, even just looking at Abrahamic religions.

In the end

When I’m speaking to somebody who wants to use Native folklore, I’m going to assume they’re culturally Christian and educate them accordingly.

I am having a conversation to Christians about the appropriation of Native culture and how not to do that.

I am not going to suddenly change topics to make Christians comfortable by proving that I’m a champion for them, because frankly, they shouldn’t be dangling respecting Natives if only they interrupt themselves to prove they’re properly educated on Christian issues. Because that demand is once again centring Christianity above Native people.

I am talking about Native issues, not Christian issues.

I do not accept derailments that are thinly veiled racism or persecution complexes based off “what if”s that have not actually happened in the West. I acknowledge they happen elsewhere, and that’s tragic. I am not the person to talk about those details. I’d rather pass the mic to Christians in the area and let them speak. They are not Western Christians’ shields to use as they will. They have a voice, as well.

I am not going to coddle people who feel that Christian values are diminishing from society because we need room for more than just Christian values and Christianity does not have a monopoly on being a good person.

I am talking about Christians appropriating Native American beliefs.

And if that makes you uncomfortable, to hear Western Christians have protection, insert their own dogma into too much, and have unlearning to do—without being able to tack on a story about how no, really, you’re a victim in the West—then you have more unlearning to do. I’ve given places to start learning above.

We are talking about Native issues right now.

And I will not stop calling Christians out for their religious-based colonialism.

~ Lesya

[redjennies]

I think the reason I'm not Vibing with FCG on the level I usually am with robots is that they're not really that robot-y? like it's hard to dig my teeth into the whole "do robots have souls?" dilemma when a) we're dealing with a universe where souls are undoubtedly a real thing and the mechanics of the game determine what is "A Real Boy" and what isn't, and b) FCG is so deeply a person in their personality, like there's not enough of a disconnect in "how we perceive personhood" in how they act in order to justify this question. even the aspects of FCG that do fall into archetypical robot traits don't come across as a result of his programming requiring him to put the safety of others ahead of his own so much as it's reminiscent of any given person you know with a bit of a self-sacrificing, martyr complex. and that's not saying you can't blend those two reasons together to make a point about how "we're not so different," but when it's the immediate takeaway that this trait makes them feel even more human instead of a subtle recognition of the way some people behave, it doesn't pack the same punch.

like the way FCG is constructed as a character makes it more interesting to focus in on the "ultimately a machine" aspect more than "are they a person?" aspect, which is a very awkward situation because you don't want to deny someone their personhood, but up until arguably the most recent episode, we haven't actually gotten anything that particularly gives us any reason to feel like he's not just a metal human, which in a world where Ashton "Punk Rock" Greymoore or "Living Dead Girl" Laudna are standing right next to him isn't a particular stretch. if FCG's physical robotic-ness isn't all that weird in this setting, outside the novelty that one of them is talking, nor is his personality making any real point about our conceptions of and prejudices against what does and does not qualify a person, they dont even need to be a robot. they could be literally anything else and still have this personality. so in order to kind of justify why FCG feels this way about himself, I end up needing to see more of the machine, or I need a different question entirely.

and it's weird to me that Sam, whose characters constantly scratch this itch I have about the roles we perform in society which robots often factor into, is not getting the robot thing, and granted maybe that's it. maybe Sam is thinking too much about robots as people with roles to perform and not enough about the "why do we see each other as tools? what do we consider 'soulless' so that it makes it easier to deny humanity to another person?" aspect. but it is interesting to me that on some level, Scanlan's explosion in The Bard's Lament hit the whole robot thing as far as I'm concerned more than I've seen out of FCG.

idk, I'm just thinking about robots and why I like them and why this one is falling flat for me.

[vickyvicarious]

Just as I was about to go to sleep last night, I got a brain flash that went basically "something something flashback episode thiefsome themes???" so now in the light of day let's re-examine. This still isn't anything too polished, but... I think there's some interesting stuff to be found here.

Putting it under a tag so it doesn't clog up peoples' dashes too much, but the gist is that their roles actually represent their relationships/desires at each respective point in canon quite well, and it's giving me some thoughts about what a possible flashback with Hardison/Eliot would look like.

In the van Gogh Job, we get flashback Parker/Hardison. Obviously it wasn't them and the names are different and all but I'm just gonna call them f!Hardison and f!Parker because it's easier.

f!Hardison is brave, clever, determined, and deeply in love

f!Parker is loyal, comfortable, just as deeply in love, but terrified

Their flashback story is a cautionary tale as much as it is a romance. F!Hardison shares so many traits with Hardison himself, and f!Parker is a clear representation of current Parker. They make no bones about it, the parallels are extremely obvious and are even what makes the guy start telling Parker his story in the first place. Parker loves Hardison but she has found a place to belong in the team (flashback town/roller rink) and is afraid of what will happen if she disturbs that status quo by getting into a relationship with him. She's too scared of losing him (flashback to her racist dad/his buddies killing or hurting him, modern to the possibility of death mostly) to take the step to actually be with him, even though they both know she wants to. I love that there isn't any hint of her doubting his feelings or that he will remain devoted in either flashback or modern; the focus is entirely on her own fears for him and how she would handle that, not ever of him in any way.

Regardless of the timeframe, it's clear that (f!)Hardison loves her and will respect what she is willing to give him, even if that means leaving her. In the flashback, f!Parker still loves him and saves his painting in his honor for the rest of her life, remaining loyal to him despite never seeing him again. None of the emotion is in question at all, and it's clear that if she is willing to give it, her faith in him will be completely justified.

The episode basically just acts out Parker's fears (puppet-style?) and demonstrates to her that even though she would be fine if she doesn't take the leap - she'll be so much happier if she does. There's no guarantee of a happy ending, but Hardison is still himself and that means that before that ending comes at the very least, she will be happy. (Much like Sophie's beautiful speech to her.) Parker was already beginning to ease into a relationship with him, and this episode doesn't exactly drive her to jump in headfirst, but it's clear when we watch her reaction to the story what she will choose. She's going to build up her courage, but she's going to take the risk.

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Now, given how transparent that episode is on their pairing, I kind of wondered what would happen if I look at the one that pairs Parker/Eliot's flashback selves: the D.B. Cooper Job.

f!Parker is understanding, supportive, loyal, and gives him a place to belong

f!Eliot starts out doing something bad for the sake of someone he loves, is drawn to her, and later feels wracked by guilt and seeks redemption by helping others

The focus in this one obviously isn't on the romance. It isn't even on either of these characters, so much as it is on Nate and his flashback self. But the parallels between modern and f!Eliot are still pretty apparent, if a bit watered down in that f!Eliot has no intentions to hurt anyone and in fact takes pains not to do so.

But as far as pairings go, I think what they do between these two is pretty interesting. Their flashback characters are drawn to one another, feel a kind of understanding and recognition that they can't quite explain. It's why f!Parker stops him before he jumps and never gives him up, it's why f!Eliot trusts her in the first place and why he shows up at her door after it is all over. I think this is a really nice parallel to the way Eliot and Parker understand one another and have this connection that is different from the rest of the team.

The other thing I like a lot is that in this episode, f!Parker is the steady support. She represents the home f!Eliot longs to have, even if she isn't the one who eventually offers him the chance to help others and make his own redemptive efforts. In fact, him working with f!Nate starts out for selfish reasons and only later evolves into a place where he feels he belongs. That's another obvious parallel to the Eliot we know, but the Parker in this episode is a little less immediately recognizable. Sure, she's an incredibly loyal person and will obviously not care overmuch about crime or whatever but mostly it's harder to see her as much in that role.

But I think she serves much the same role here as f!Hardison in the other episode. Though modern Eliot isn't hearing this story and making any resolutions based on it, the casting still represents their relationship. Parker is growing steadily into the position of leader/mastermind, and at this point she and Hardison are openly together. She is someone who understands Eliot on a very deep level, and she is coming to be the person who is his rock. While I'm not discounting Hardison's importance at all, Parker more closely fits the role of the person who encouraged him to take the job in this flashback. She's the one who, only three episodes later in Rundown, verbalizes a promise to change together. She (and also Hardison) represent the home Eliot craves to have, the belonging and support necessary for him to grow and to do good in the world. What's more, f!Parker is accurate in representing her side of things as someone who wants that for him. She wants to invite him in, wants to support him even if it's from a bit more of a distance at first (pre-relationship) but would absolutely welcome him inside as soon as he shows up at her door (once he's ready, she will bring him into the thiefsome).

And Rundown shows us that in action, again only three episodes later. Not in the sense of canon thiefsome, but Parker and Hardison are absolutely supporting Eliot leaving his darker past behind, changing with them for the better - and not just getting away with his own hands clean, but doing the extra work to help others (going after the guy who tried to hire him instead of just leaving town; again when they realize how serious the situation is but stay to fix it). The episode even ends with Eliot literally throwing away the crutch that would allow him to walk on his own, and pull them both in to support him instead. He's in the middle, he's deciding to join them even if he could get by alone, it's all representative for them welcoming him into the relationship too. (I headcanon something went down between them here but it isn't all cleared up relationship-wise until the Toy Job, but either way the themes are there!)

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So with this in mind... The flashback with Hardison/Parker focused on Parker and her fears/decision to enter into a relationship with Hardison. Similarly, the flashback with Eliot/Parker focuses more on him and his desire to join the relationship. For both of them, the episode represents a shift in their relationship with one another, something not entirely unknown before, but a step that is challenging for them personally. Still, this step leads to greater happiness and growth.

All that in mind... what would a Hardison/Eliot episode look like, if we got it in Redemption? I'm getting into slight spoiler territory here, so leave now if you haven't seen the first few episodes.

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Okay, so since we've had more focus on Parker, and on Eliot, this episode would focus most on Hardison. It makes sense as well for his role in the new series, because while Parker and Eliot are a little more stable, Hardison is the one entering a challenging new period of his life that is difficult but helping him grow.

I don't have any kind of full plot figured out, but here are some things I think we might see:

f!Eliot is supportive, confident, and believes deeply in him

f!Hardison is bold, struggles with self-doubt, and upends his own life in order to change the world for the better

I think Eliot's role in this flashback would be smaller, but he'd love f!Hardison deeply and the focus would not be on their relationship developing, but on the challenges it would face as f!Hardison embarks on... whatever it is. It has to be something f!Eliot knows he cannot do, and maybe even something that might mean the end of their relationship (though much like the van gogh job, the love between them is never in question).

I've seen people mentioning a Stonewall flashback episode for these two before, and that's possible. But another thing we could see is f!Hardison working against racist laws or something. Whatever the case, he needs to be doing something that benefits many, many other people, and it needs to put him at personal risk. I'm not entirely sure on what would be holding Eliot back from helping in the same way - it may just be as simple as f!Hardison gives amazing speeches and inspires so many people, while f!Eliot just doesn't have that skill. Maybe he is sick. Maybe, their relationship does end up attracting violence, and he gets hurt (doesn't even have to be their romantic relationship, if we're going a race angle and setting this episode further back, it could just be an open friendship with their romance kept secret. the themes would still be there). Whatever the case, f!Hardison has to leave Eliot behind.

And yeah, this has already happened in canon. We're already here. But if we wanted this episode to happen, I think it would be possible for the themes to still be relevant and the challenge to still be there for Hardison's character, if something brings him back to the team. If something goes down and he isn't there, and it terrifies him that he wasn't there, and he has trouble leaving again even though his work isn't done. Or if he organizes something on his end of the world that goes horribly wrong somehow. Sometimes it's not the first step that's hardest, it's keeping on even after the first big challenge. No road is free of bumps, after all, so Hardison might well think he's fine at first but start having doubts even after things have been going well for a while.

That is where you can bring this episode into play. That's where you start - f!Hardison is already getting involved in activism of some kind, but his own fame brings about negative consequences or something unrelated happens, and it scares him and makes him consider giving his work up. The episode can be bittersweet, with them never reuniting, or it can have a happier ending where he returns and f!Eliot is still waiting for him. But it's important for Eliot to represent a home that Hardison is already comfortable in, and one he has to leave in order to help others (however temporary the leaving is). And we need to see him away from the team, thriving and growing and improving so many peoples' lives in ways that never would have happened without him - both in the flashback, and in the modern part of the episode. In fact, Hardison doesn't even need to actually be physically with the team at all in the modern part of the episode. It can be more like the Broken Wing job, where we get hints at what they are doing but the focus is entirely on him and his struggle.

Of course, I have no idea how this would tie in to a modern heist. But maybe the format could be changed up, if we focus more on Hardison outside of the team. I'm sure there's some way this could be worked. And I think it would do really well in completing the trio of thiefsome episodes, and giving equal emphasis on all three of them in each one.

[mc-critical]

I love to boring you but what do you think of Murad IV in MC:Kosem ? I really like him but he seriously need of a therapy with a psy *a great one !* and i don't think he treated Ayse (or Farya !) correctly ! He is trash (more trash than any others characters i think) but i also like her complexity. How do you find him ? Do you think he deserve more recognization like Selim or not at all ?

I don't like him one bit as a person. He's problematic, hypocritical and abusive and his actions go beyond every sort of justification, no matter how much he tries to justify them himself. However, he is interesting and complex as a character and you can still see where he comes from and how do his beliefs unfold. He clearly has a detailed arc; and that arc causes him to be way more paranoid, way more selfish, way more overindulgent, which was to his detriment.

Let's face it: the show portrayed him as a very bad ruler (I spoke about why here) and from what I've read, historically, he isn't any better, either. I don't know what does he deserve to be recognized for, aside from the conquering of Baghdad, which did nothing to absolve his crimes in the show, aside from how well-written he is. Any possible redeeming quality of his is destroyed by all his problematic actions piling in and all we've left is a nuanced exploration of his problematic traits. With MC Selim we have a much more understandable circumstance, the child neglect which explained his drinking and lay low tendencies and why it looked like he didn't care for what the other brothers did. Thing is, Selim arguably wasn't all that problematic at first (the provocations between him and Bayezid were more mutual than anything else) and what really pushed him to "villainy" was the death of Mustafa and Cihangir, the complete destruction of the concept of brotherly love in his head. His redeeming qualities were as balanced as his "villainy" and you see within how human he is and how everyone around him who wasn't Nurbanu did somewhat screw him over from the start. The nuance is on his entire persona, not on his problematic deeds. I do believe that MC Selim's writing should be way more respected, because of all the nuance. I don't think he's fit for a padişah in the show, but he isn't some cardboard cutout who only drinks and schemes. He has actual issues, desires, sensitivity, vulnerability and compassion. Murat is a different kind of a character. He's both a bad ruler and a horrible person, he doesn't really have a transitional point to begin his problematic deeds, since he's like this in the beggining. He has his reasons in his backstory, but they recontextualize his paranoia, not what comes out of this paranoia. His transitional point was more him getting even surer of his beliefs than beggining a path of ruthlessness. Worse, it strips him from any possible scruple he had deep inside and what we would see from this point on is his further moral descent and nothing else. He has two areas of justification: a fragment of his past and the "Shadow of God" mentality that only ring more shallow the further we go. (it's fascinating writing-wise, but that's about it.) With Selim at least we have his motives becoming stronger the more we go and watch him succeed. They're different thematic explorations altogether and one of them isn't much on the sympathetic or deserving of recognition spectrum by design.

What I like the most about Murat's writing is that no matter how strong and dangerous it is, his paranoia comes from a real place. While with Süleiman we only had hints of said paranoia in a few flashbacks, with Murat we had an actually devastating, shown on-screen event that had the harder job of making such sudden by the show change more believable. Murat, for whatever he is, is shown a tiny bit of understanding by the script when there actually are people actively working behind his back. Süleiman assumes he's been betrayed, but since the events that open his paranoia are mostly events molded or completely taken out of context and no one actively works behind his back until much after said paranoia was allowed to occur (even Mustafa's organization worked primarily against Hürrem, not SS, one attempt to kill SS aside, which the object of his paranoia saved him from!!!!) - we, as audience, have no reason to buy it whatsoever, which brought the understanding for SS soo down for me. But Murat's paranoia made him go way out of proportion to the point he went even further than SS by willing to end the whole state so he could be there and rule. And just like SS, his paranoia quickly became all selfish in nature to the point of alienating everyone around him who wants to give him decent advice and thinking himself as right all the time. He wanted to be a lone wolf, driven by toxic masculinity from the start. And him feeling overshadowed by Kösem... no matter how understandable it has the chance to be because of the time period, made him blind and instead of gaining experience in order to rule unscathed and firm, he decided to fixate himself on the past and on his role and possible deep-seated resentment of his mother, he made all the wrong decisions in every aspect of his life.

His anger issues are especially illuminating, since he tends to lash out on the slightest thing gone wrong, to the point of exercising physical violence. His anger probably stemmed from how he could only watch during Osman's death and the subconscious blaming of Kösem because of it, along with Musa's death and them not giving him time to shine, something he thought belonged to him and was his right, but by ruminating on all this, he, once again, focuses on his own feelings and own world, he, once again, reaches devastating extremes. Anyone who ever tries to defy him suffers from this. Anyone who tries to defy him is evaluated by how much he's fitting for his mold, for his world, something far beyond a wish for loyalty.

He didn't love any of his women, IMO. His physical violence and abuse was highlighted by his dynamics with them the most and he always decided on the harshest punishments when it came to them. One might argue that his relationship with Farya played its part in somewhat humanizing Murat and disguising this overally questionable at its impossibly best love story for ratings and stuff, but the more we went, the more abusive it got and Farya could never get over his unpredictable and turbulent nature that strived to strictly control every single thing that was close to him to toxic levels. I won't even begin with how he treated Ayşe, because that was such a trainwreck and she deserved much better than to constantly fear for her life, because this guy could go immediately crazy and kill her and her kids. With Sanavber it was only slight infatuation and that's all for me, because in that point, I doubt this guy was capable of love. One Murat went and there came the other before Sanavber arrived and Murat was on the path to become his cruelest self.

All in all, I don't mind anyone going out there and trying to explore him ( in fact, I would actually love such discussions!), but he's hot trash, he should die in fire along with Süleiman and I'm struggling everyday to declare which one is worse in my book, because they suck the same for me, but in different ways. I appreciate their narrative roles, but otherwise... screw them both.

[yourdesertsunflower]

Chunin Exams: Shikamaru vs. Temari

So this will be long, so be ready for some deep diving. I’d been thinking this for quite a while so let’s go. 

One of my favorite Chunin Exams’s match has to be Shikamaru vs. Temari. This may not be much of a surprise for any of you, but maybe the reason why it is between my top 3 will surprise more than one. 

Obviously the ship factor made me like this battle even more, but it’s not even a primary or secondary reason for why I love this match. This battle stands out to me as being one of the most truthful ninja fights of the whole arc. Why? Because a ninja fight, as Kakashi would day during the Zabuza’s arc is about always plotting, to know when to do certain thing, to know when to not to do them and just hide and to work with the tools you have. 

It’s a battle were the brains out beats the brute force, where the strength is the last resource and the strategy primes as the best thing a ninja can have. It about deciphering our opponent, carrying out the best strategy and ensuring the win as much as possible and both Shikamaru and Temari excel at being this masterminds. They make the most out of their battle and, in my opinion, they both shine through as not only capable but highly advanced strategists, specially for their short age. 

That’s why when I hear people going like “No, she’s not.” when Asuma says that Temari she is bright and that she thinks like Shikamaru (she thinks ahead) or say that “Shikamaru could have easily beat Temari if he wasn’t that lazy” I just feel like crying. 

However, it’s not people’s fault after all. The direction of the match in both the anime and the manga makes Shikamaru’s strategy the wow factor. I am not saying his tactic is not genius, I would be pretty lame if I said that, nor that Shikamaru is not more intelligent than Temari (He is the most brilliant person of his generation, specially when it comes to strategy) and he deserved the recognition because the tactic he carried through was slick af. It’s one of the many reason why Shikamaru is my absolute favorite character in Naruto (I love him so much). 

However, I think that Shikamaru’s genius shouldn’t by any means diminish Temari’s wit. Because she was also delivering quite a good fight, she was a good match for Shikamaru (which ain’t easy) and (I personally think) had a pretty accurate strategy. 

So, I gave myself the job of being Temari’s Asuma and explain in full detail what I think, through my reading, was Temari’s strategy. Because my girl deserves more recognition. She is a strategist and a really good one.

1. Context

One thing I think it’s important to mention before anything is the context of the match. 

If we come to think about it, it wouldn’t be that far-fetched to say that Temari couldn’t waste that much chakra nor show new abilities in her fight against Shikamaru. Let’s remember that the Sand only participated in the Chunin Exams because of the attack, to execute the Konoha Crush. A plan for which the Sand Siblings, specially Gaara, were crucial. Even we get to see Kankuro forfeiting of his fight against Shino in order to keep his techniques a secret and wait for the time to make the move. 

However Temari didn’t had the same luck. It would be suspicious if the two of them just gave up. My reading of the situation is that actually neither of them expected to fight their respective matches as Gaara’s match against Sasuke was before theirs. Still, if someone had to fight Temari knew that would be her because, 

a. Kankuro was against Shino who had shown to be a beast, and hence, it was more likely that he would have to use higher tier attacks. 

b. Temari showed to be quite confident of her skills and Shikamaru, though he had shown to be intelligent (not to the extent of this match but intelligent nonetheless) he was the weakest of the finalist in terms of raw strength. 

So, Temari had to be the one to fight. Otherwise the plan would fall apart, and although she wasn’t sure about attacking from the start, she was extremely loyal to her village and would never do something to hurt it. However she couldn’t be imprudent, hence, she didn’t had to waste that much chakra in order not to tire herself that much and couldn’t show new wind style techniques as that would only weaken the surprise effect this might have (let’s remember she was in a stadium filled with highly capable Shinobi, Chunin and Jonin Level)

But although she couldn’t be imprudent, she also couldn’t let herself be defeated. After all, she is Temari. She had figure out a way to win despite the limitations she had which brings us to the fight itself. 

2. First Movement: Gaining Information

The first thing Temari knows is that she needs some information about the match and the rival so she starts off by trying to get an action or a least a reaction from Shikamaru, which proved to be quite draining due to his usual unmotivated behavior. 

The frontal and direct attacks of Temari at the beginning of the match serve that purpose. 

Unlike her match against Tenten, where she could just start of in complete defensiveness she quickly realized that that wouldn’t work with Shikamaru. I am pretty sure Temari is one of those fighters who don’t like to make the first move but to wait and recollect information from her adversaries (after all i  her battle against Tenten, in which she always seemed comfortable she did just that) but as she knew that couldn’t be the case as while Tenten is someone active, Shikamaru is more of reactive fighter she just attacked to get the necessary information to use with her previous knowledge (which I’ll also proceed to explain) to plan a strategy. 

She knew from Shikamaru’s fight against Kin (the sound ninja) that it was quite likely that the Shadow Posession Jutsu had: 

a. A range 

b. Short duration spam. 

c. Wasted to much chakra. 

After all, Shikamaru was always shown to be pretty cautious about how and when he used it. That’s why the jutsu doesn’t seem much of a threat at the beginning as if she could manage to identify the range of his jutsu she could just stay away from it and make him waste chakra. 

If to that we add that Shikamaru’s reaction was to hide she also gained a panorama of how the fight will be like. It’ll most likely be a long-lasting battle based more in indirect attacks and meticulously planning than in strength. 

This seemed to match quite well, which justifies Temari’s smile as Shikamaru hides. At first glance stretching out the duration of the battle and fighting long-range was just perfect for her as she could save as much chakra as possible, dodging the attacks of Shikamaru while making him waste as much chakra as possible. 

Hence, although Temari was overconfident (aspect I’ll talk about in more detail later) she had a reason to be so. She had a fairly strong plan,and everything seemed to be falling in the right place. 

2. Identifying the Range and the Sun

The first attacks of Shikamaru just seem to work on perfectly for Temari as she achieves to find out her shadow range, a jaw-dropping fifteen meters thirty-two centimetres (like she is also a mathematician in her own right). 

It’s then when Shikamaru shows her that there was one factor she hadn’t thought about before: the sun. When the shadow reaches a longer distance than it had already done she quickly deduces that as the sun sets the shadow of the wall was getting larger, hence elongating the shadow making his range bigger. 

And Temari quickly adapts to the situation working out several plans she could use. She decides the better was keeping up with the angle and the direction from which the sun is hitting the wall and the growth in his shadow in order to be able to calculate an equation that would keep him away from his shadow. 

This is good because while some may just freak out and try to use brute force to finish it, as seemingly stretching the match no longer holds any sense, Temari takes her time to think and finds a way to use her skills and knowledge in battle. This is no easy task, as we see that a lot of highly talented shinobis on paper had a tough time in practice. But she is so great that she comes up with a way that doesn’t directly throws the entire plan she had come up with to the trash. 

3. Surprise Attack 

Well I got to say this. I don’t like that Kankuro warns Temari about Shikamaru’s  home-made parachute because I easily think that she could have realized by herself. She had shown all through the battle to have great observational skills and to be quite focused so I think that Kishimoto could have easily come up with that. 

Still, I understand that Kishomoto through this fight tries to justify that Shikamaru was the one that would become a Chunin, so nerfing Temari isn’t the worst thing out of all. I don’t like it but isn’t that bad if we take into consideration the other thingd that were done in the manga. 

However is through her ability to dodge this attack we get Asuma’s and Shikamaru’s reaction and recognition of Temari’s skills. She is a really good shinobi, quick, intelligent and competent. 

Yes, Shikamaru had just gotten her in the position she wanted but what he said he truly meant it, which means a lot given his chauvinistic behavior at the begging of Naruto. She is fast learner, she is capable to dodge attacks that no regular genin could or as Shikamaru said in Naruto Ninja Storm 4 (yes, I usually hate most of the scenes in this game but this one ShikaTema scene was so sport on) that she was the first person of his age to be able dodge that many attacks from him, which leaves me to another point. 

4. Moves Ahead

It’s almost a meme that Shikamaru has a 200 IQ and that he is 200 moves ahead everyone else but what I really think that people don’t understand is that for Shikamaru each an everyone of those moves, from the first one to the the two hundred, could be the last one. When Shikamaru plans out a strategy he may use some moves that are feints but those feints may also work to end the match to less skilled rivals. Each move works as an individual move as part of a whole. That is other level, is genius. Prove of the overtly exaggerated 200 IQ, almost everyone could seem dumb beside him.

However, the complexity of the strategy he used against Temari shows us that how knew that he needed to come up with something good in order to be able to beat her. She wouldn’t fall for something straightfoward because she showed to be several steps ahead also. 

She had shown to easily decipher his jutsu’s range, she had found elements that could have served him as an advantage and she had been skillful enough to move around the field avoiding his jutsu with ease. And he knows that because 

a. He had seen it, 

b. She had told it to him, which I think was one of the biggest mistakes of Temari derived from her over-confidence.

That’s why his plan had to be slick in order to win which brings up the end of the match. 

5. Checkmate

After seeing that Shikamaru’s shadow range was almost unlimited and that her chances of measuring it were incredibly low she then decides to end it once and for all because; 

a. If she extended the match much longer it was almost inevitable that she will end up being caught by his shadow paralysis jutsu 

b. She couldn’t risk to waste a lot of chakra since, I have already mentioned, it was indispensable she was in good conditions for the Konoha Crush. 

But it’s interesting the movement she plans out in order to beat Shikamaru since it shows that she is very aware of her own tools and abilities and of the abilities of her rival. One clone will take the attention of him, falling in his shadows paralysis while she just bluntly beat him with her crushing wind style. Fairly simple, but also extremely effective. 

When Shikamaru caught her and shows her his strategy Temari quickly understands what he had done. She had underestimated both his jutsu and his mind and that added with her over-confidence in her analysis was what gave Shikamaru the necessary information to caught her. 

She is genuinely surprised as the rest of the crowd but they are even more when he gives up. 

That was just a masterful decision of Kishimoto, I got to give him that, because it not only make Shikamaru be cool af for the audience, but also for two things that are lest often touched upon: 

a. In terms of Shikamaru it showed the genius he is, the smartest person of his generation by far, capable of examining the situation and choose the best option to execute. He was running out of chakra while his rival was safe and sound. In a real life mission the best option is retreat, and that’s what he does. This is shows to Temari than he and Shikamaru are actually much more alike than she had thought. They both are rational thinkers, who measure cons and pros and are able to come up with a logical analysis but they are also pretty conscious of themselves and others. That’s what Asuma means when he says they think alike, that why they always seem to work along together despite their seemingly clashing personalities. 

b. In terms of Temari she gets the bittersweet victory. She archived what she wanted, making him run out of chakra, but not how she wanted to do so. It is deserved and undeserved at the same time which conflicts her. If the battle had continued it was more than likely she had won as she wanted to but it didn’t which let her thinking that, if he could he could have easily beat her even though he states that not to be the reason. After all he had clearly outsmarted her, and that was what was the most important for her, despite her win was deserved in my opinion (not because she was more intelligent than him, because no one really is, but because, at the end, she managed with her wit and talent to make it impossible for him to continue). She thinks that her over-confidence and her analysis which she prides of, was the thing that took her down and that it’s quite important for her character and her relationships with others. We’ll get to see how this affected her in her following appearances, when we get to see her when she goes to fight against Tayuya she carefully listens to Shikamaru’s analysis, although at the end she decides to do it her way (an nails it), her decision was derived from her listing to his words and all he got to say. 

At the end Temari will always be her wonderful confident self (that’s only another reason to love her) but after this match she shows to be more cautious when underestimating her rivals, however you shouldn’t dare underestimate her. 

Because she is a f***ing boss.   

[clansayeed]

Bound by Destiny II, part 1 ― Chapter 12: The Return

PAIRING: Kamilah Sayeed x MC (Nadya Al Jamil) RATING: Mature

⥼ MASTERLIST ⥽

⥼ Bound by Destiny II, part 1 ⥽

While struggling with nightmares of lives she’s never lived, a shadow from the past looming over her city, and the proposed idea that her life may just be a little bit too weird to handle alone, Nadya makes sure to tell herself that everything is perfect just the way it is. If only. When the self-proclaimed King of Vampires (and Maker of her sometimes-girlfriend and always-boss, can’t forget that little tidbit) Gaius Augustine returns intent on claiming Manhattan as the throne that was promised, she and her friends find themselves forced into the task of saving the world. But with millennia-old vampires and an Order of hunters on their heels as well as allies hiding catastrophic secrets at their backs… it won’t be an easy task. Too bad destiny didn’t exactly ask for her input.

Bound by Destiny II and the rest of the Oblivion Bound series is an ongoing dramatic retelling project of the Bloodbound series and spin-off, Nightbound. Find out more [HERE].

*Let me know if you would like to be added to the Destiny II tag list!

⥼ Chapter Summary ⥽

The gang returns to New York with a well-earned victory under their belts. But that means Nadya has to face Kamilah, and she isn't quite sure she knows how to feel just yet.

[READ IT ON AO3]

Nadya leans on the rail with a wistful sigh. Takes a moment and just… lets herself enjoy the peace of being at peace. No memories haunting her behind her eyelids, no immediate danger… at least none she can see right in front of her.

No, the only thing in front of her is New Orleans. The French Quarter spread out for blocks around her in vibrant colors going pale against the purpling sky. It’ll be dawn soon.

Did she sigh already? Well… no harm in another one.

Taylor’s learned his lesson in sneaking up on her. Why else would he knock on the door leading up to the roof instead of taking advantage of one final attempt to startle her silly?

He clicks his tongue with a wry look. “Careful now, that sigh right there, that’s trouble. Means you’re falling in love with this place and you won’t ever wanna leave.”

Nadya can’t help it that she laughs.

“Are you trying to sound like Garrus?” It sounds like something the fae would say, actually.

“No, and frankly you don’t want to hear my Garrus impersonation,” he hesitates; waits for Nadya’s little go-ahead of a nod before joining her overlooking the city as it begins to put itself to sleep, “it’s not very good. My Ivy on the other hand…”

Their laughter is soft and polite. They wouldn’t dare jostle the world below.

“I mean, when I went off to college I had dreams of road trips on spring break, summers spent with one program or another. New Orleans was always on my list.”

“And did she live up to the hype?”

Now how exactly is Nadya supposed to answer that honestly? “Well college-aged me probably wouldn’t have been hanging around the Graveyard Shift, that’s all I’ll say.”

“Nadya, babe, you have got to stop being a hard mood,” Taylor places a hand to his chest, “my little empath heart just can’t take much more of it.”

She shoves him (gently) and their laugh is a little less awkward the second time around. Probably because he is, indeed, an empath. And he gets exactly what she’s feeling right now.

Longing — exhaustion — trepidation — to name a few.

He nudges her shoulder with his own. “You’ll have to come back when everything’s fixed on your end; see the city for real, you know? Not just all the bad things.”

Not like she goes searching for the bad things, thanks. They just kind of… happen dangerously close in her proximity. “I’d like that. Lil’ too, for sure.”

“Oh, for sure. Though I have a feeling her and Ivy together might be a bit more trouble than Nik’ll want to deal with.”

And on that Nadya can most certainly agree. Not that she does so with words. Strangely she doesn’t feel much like talking right now. Not-so-strangely, Taylor doesn’t either. So they lean in mutual silence and watch the streets below. People going through the motions; living their lives.

Lives far less strange than theirs.

The blue of the dawn is just starting to bleed orange when he finally speaks again.

“You’re not used to winning the day, are you?” She isn’t surprised in the least to look and see that strange iridescence back in his irises.

“I don’t have enough coffee in me to answer a question like that,” which — that’s her answer; but Taylor definitely isn’t taking it, “I mean… back when all this stuff started; we won then, I think. Adrian was exonerated and Jax joined the Council and Vega wasn’t trying to kill me anymore —”

Taylor holds up a finger. “Wait — like the missing Senator, that Vega?”

“You knew him?”

“Uh, Vee and our friend Kristin lived up there together. Wait a second—he was a vam— no… that’s not the point. Sorry, please continue.”

God, is that how I look to other people, Nadya wonders; but it’s humbling to see somehow.

“Anyway… I thought everything turned out for the better, and for a while it was better. But now that I think about it…” Gaius, Jameson, the Trinity; all of them lurking just on the other side of the two-way glass. Waiting for the time to strike and take her happiness away; to pluck memories from her she never asked for all in pursuit of some epic fantasy-level world conquering.

If the fight wasn’t over, did that still count as a victory?

“And you’re left wondering if this is the same deal. If you’ve really won, or if there’s more stuff—worse stuff—just out of sight.” Taylor finishes for her. Still a little weird and possibly more akin to mind-reading than the half-fae originally led her to believe, but for the moment she’s glad to not have to say it.

“Yeah, exactly.”

His hand comes to rest over Nadya’s on the railing. He’s warmer than he should be and the sun’s got nothing to do with it. Likely his weirdness is helped by touch, too. Which Taylor all but confirms aloud when a sudden but not unwelcome ease relaxes the tension she didn’t know she’d gathered in her shoulders.

“I can’t offer any answers, and I don’t think I’d want to. With my luck I’d be wrong and you’d hate me forever.” He’s joking but Nadya still rolls her eyes and shakes her head for it.

“But I can say that no matter what happens? You’ll always have friends here to call up if needed.”

What is she supposed to say to something so sincere? “Same to you, Taylor, same to you.”

A sleek black car with tinted windows pulls around the corner and onto their lonely street to park right in front of the bar.

Looks like their ride is here.

Kamilah isn’t waiting for them when the plane pulls into the nice and shady hangar. Nadya tells herself she isn’t surprised by this… but she’s trying not to tell herself mostly-truths lately either. Luckily she’s still too exhausted (and she’s pretty sure she only got about half an hour’s nap in the entire time they were in New Orleans) to make much of a fuss about it.

In fact, Nadya barely remembers sending a text off before she and Lily both are being ushered into the back seat of one of Adrian’s company cars.

[TEXT]: back in NY and miss you like crazy. can we plz talk?? [TEXT]: its nadia

And its the most dreamless, dead-to-the-world-est sleep she knew she needed but didn’t know how to get. Staying awake for near-days and going through every emotion under the sun and also dealing with a high-stakes pursuit weren’t exactly on her list of viable solutions to her sleeping troubles.

Ergo the point of all this — no one is allowed to think her anything less than totally justified when Nadya wakes up in her own bed, in her own bedroom, sometime well after sunset and thinks for even the smallest second that everything was just a dream. She knows logically that it wasn’t… but still.

Totally justified.

When her eyes adjust to the lack of light Nadya realizes she’s not alone. There’s a figure sitting on the edge of her bed nearest the window, away from the door. Giving her the chance to escape if she needs it; making sure she doesn’t feel trapped.

Only one person would do that.

She fumbles for her glasses on the nightstand but leaves her bedside lamp untouched. Can’t shake the feeling like if she does turn the lights on then Kamilah will vanish. This is better for them both.

“Hi.”

Something moves near her head; Nadya leans back to see the woman pulling her fingertips away from where they had been combing through her hair gently. She wants it back so much she aches from the loss of them.

“Hello,” replies Kamilah; sounding awfully breathless for a woman who doesn’t need to breathe, “did you rest well? You… seemed to need it.”

Probably not what she meant to ask judging by the way the neon signs from across the street illuminate her in postmodern beauty. It’s okay though — Nadya isn’t sure she has the courage yet to say what really needs saying.

“When did you get here…?”

“Shortly after your return. Oh, Lily wished for you to know she’s left for the evening. She didn’t leave a message as to why.”

So it’s just been Nadya and Kamilah in the apartment for at least the daylight hours. Alone; together. And not talking about their problems.

When Nadya sits up (in part to look at Kamilah better, in part to make sure she doesn’t fall back asleep on accident) the bed dips as Kamilah shifts back; makes to stand and leave her with all this twin-sized budget bed kit to herself. And because she can’t stand a thought so terrible Nadya reaches out and stops her with a hand on her arm.

“Kamilah.”

A long pause — then; “Yes, Nadya?”

“Why are you here?”

“You messaged me,” so Nadya of course fumbles for her phone and finds it charging under her pillow, “though I suppose I should have realized you were exhausted beyond recognition.”

“Why’s that?”

“You spelled your own name wrong.”

Upon further inspection yes, yes she did. “Glad you weren’t expecting some other disaster you’re dating also named Nadia…” That she chooses not to dwell on the fact that she may have very well used that word for the first time in the middle of their first fight is actually self-care.

Or — she doesn’t until Kamilah’s been quiet for an awfully long time.

“Uhm — I take that back, actually — what I meant was…”

“I won’t disagree.”

Only Kamilah Sayeed could look so perfect framed in the flickering lights of a discount electronics shop.

“But you’re my disaster.”

Nadya kisses her because every other time it’s been Kamilah who takes the lead, takes charge, takes her. This isn’t some attempt to switch that dynamic either (in fact Nadya’s very happy with it just the way it is) but what else is she supposed to do seeing all these vulnerable parts of such an invulnerable woman one right after the other?

But — no, she can’t fall into this. Fall into her. Not without talking. But holy mother of crap she doesn’t wanna do anything but moan at the lips soft on her cheeks, her chin, her throat…

“Kamilah.”

Nadya only has to say her name once. They both know how this works. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel the hesitance; the resistance before they part and she all but forces them to meet eye-to-eye. Nor does it mean that she doesn’t take just the tiniest bit of happiness from it.

When Nadya starts pulling away Kamilah holds on just a little bit tighter. Only for a moment; then its gone.

“We can’t not —” — talk about this.

“I know; I agree.”

And she’s got a whole speech planned out in bullet points; not even fully seated and she’s already buzzing to jump right into it. Until—

“I was uncertain and without control. I fell back on old habits to bring my life to a heel — but those were the wrong choices to make. They nearly cost me… something very important.”

Kamilah’s hand falls open on top of the bedspread and Nadya takes it for the offering it is. Their fingers slot together familiar and like nothing’s changed but this is different. This is talking about it; this is… this is Kamilah apologizing. “They nearly cost me you, Nadya.”

Now is not the time to go all red in the face and flustered. Nadya’s willpower is astounding frankly. “There was never a second where I doubted that you cared. Not about what I was going through, or what it was doing to… to everything in my life. But I think there was a part of me that didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to believe that you and… and the you I saw were —” — were the same person.

Kamilah’s thumb strokes along her knuckles slow and rhythmic. “My thoughts are the same. I am not fragments of a woman; a queen, different than a soldier, different than a killer, different than who I am today. I am all of those things and more. And perhaps still there are parts of myself I have not yet come to know.”

Nadya chances a look up while she listens, but it’s the words Kamilah doesn’t say that catch her by surprise. The ones about who that person she doesn’t know could be. And—god she hopes she’s not reading too much into this—who she could be that person with.

“I think I get it now.”

“And what would that be?”

She squeezes their hands until it hurts because she knows it’s probably the weight of a feather to someone like Kamilah.

“We were scared of the same thing and for the same reasons; you… and your past. But I wanted to know more. I—I wanted to talk about it, without thinking of how hard bringing up all of those bad memories might be for you.”

Kamilah purses her lips and offers a slow nod. “Insightful; and perhaps I was so insistent on trying to keep that knowledge from you that I did not stop to consider what… I was saying in withholding it.”

Now the question is… where do they go from here?

“So we work on that — we try and… understand what the other is doing when she…”

“Makes a mistake she instantly regrets?”

Nadya smiles, but it’s strained. “That’s half of the things I do anyway though.”

“You know my meaning in the context of this, Nadya.”

“Yeah, but that’s not my only problem.” Which isn’t the best word she could use but at the moment she’s not focusing so much on word choice as actual feelings. And Nadya… feels a problem. There’s a breath of a second where it feels like Kamilah might start to pull away, but it passes.

She thinks better of it. She tries to understand.

“You are amazing, Kamilah. You are this… super gorgeous, super smart, super old—in a good way I swear—and super experienced vampire. But it’s not a smart thing for us to—to ignore that.”

“I wasn’t under the impression we had been.”

This is more painful to admit than Nadya thought it was gonna be. There’s no turning back now though; no ‘Restart from Checkpoint’ or save to load.

And this is so so important. Nadya wants to follow through, and not just for the sake of them. She deserves it for herself. “Maybe you haven’t — but I have. I thought that was the only way we were gonna make this work. Only, if I ignore that then I’m ignoring the fact that you are always going to have a power over me. A physical one. You lashed out and…”

“And I could have hurt you.” That Kamilah’s hand tightens with hers is the literal definition of ironic but she knows it comes from a good place; the same place all that honesty was walled up inside now pouring out.

“Nadya, please tell me you know I would never have hurt you. I don’t think I could.”

“That’s not the point. The point is you were angry, and your first reaction was to try and scare me into running away.”

See, this is Nadya’s problem. There’s a reason her life is so organized — without all her colored pens and sticky notes and multiple tabs that always end up in the strangest places, she’s a literal human mess. Prone to rambling and impulsive actions that aren’t always good for her health; physical and emotional both.

She didn’t organize this part of her talk with Kamilah. She didn’t even know this part existed. And now it’s out there in the world without a label tacked on and… and…

“And I don’t think that’s something I’m quite… over, yet.”

Nadya trusts Kamilah still; she doesn’t flinch away when the woman’s free hand comes up to her cheek — thumbs away a tear she didn’t know was falling. She can separate the then from the now.

But at the end of the day her trust and the way she had felt betrayed that night… they weren’t mutually exclusive.

She turns her face into the lingering palm. When she exhales her breath rattles in her lungs.

“I miss you.”

Kamilah’s hand betrays her composed silence; the barest tremor. “I’m here, Nadya.”

Nadya who doesn’t want to pull back, never wanted to pull back… but what is she saying to herself if she doesn’t?

“I miss you,” she repeats, “and I still care about you — I don’t really see that changing any time soon. And I’ll forgive you, really—I will. I just need some time.”

I know there are no promises you’ll be there when I’m ready, or if you won’t have moved on, or if you can’t forgive me for not forgiving you, or for not understanding you, or for making you feel this way. But I feel this way too.

And in all the things she wants to say but doesn’t, Nadya’s left still and heartbroken. Completely by her own design.

The bed dips and Nadya lets her eyes flutter closed as Kamilah’s lips press to her forehead. Not so much a kiss as a touch; something sincere and solid and so so sad.

Kamilah commits the warmth and life of her to memory. Nadya dares to hope that some day they’ll have all of this again.

She has to. If anything deserves hope right now it’s them.

Finally — too soon, too damned soon — a whisper tickles at her hairline.

“I’ll be here.”

When she opens her eyes Nadya is alone.

Jax has a really good point; if the heat from Adrian’s industrial-grade blowtorch hadn’t been enough to melt the gold, then they probably didn’t need to worry about his sword scratching the stupid thing up in any way that didn’t lend to opening it.

Everyone still backs up a few paces for good measure. They’ve all seen him in action — and the man needs a wide berth.

Nadya closes her eyes and braces herself but she still isn’t prepared for the hollow screeching clang every time the sharpened steel collides with the surface of the Amulet. One—two—three.

He stops after three. Judging by the enraged determination in his eye though he’d keep going given the opportunity.

Lily throws her hands up before crossing out ‘ASSAULT BY KATANA’ on the transparent eraser board. “I’m calling it. This thing is a horcrux.”

“A what?” asks Adrian, but Nadya just gives him the now familiar “I’ll explain it later” wave-off. Because unless pop culture references were the secret puzzle to opening the Amulet of Nero they weren’t that important in the moment.

She pushes her glasses up and unsuccessfully stifles a yawn with the back of her hand. Brings her focus back to their list of attempts to crack open (literally) the case… all of which have failed miserably.

‘METALWORKING HAMMER’ ‘REGULAR HAMMER’ ‘BLOWTORCH’ ‘ASKING IT NICELY’ (Nadya’s idea) ‘OPEN SESAME’ (Maricruz’s idea) ‘ASSAULT BY KATANA’

Off to the left Lily’s circled ‘MISSING KEY??’ over and over in the corner and while they had all agreed to try and hold out on just not having found the right amount of physical force they might as well face it.

They’re running out of options.

Adrian clears his throat and stares hard enough at Nadya that the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. “Ahem, Nadya, could you…?”

“Oh — yes — sorry guys, my bad.”

When she pulls the cover back over the Amulet the difference is immediate. The tension leaves her friends’ shoulders; they sit a little less restless and their eyes are a little less bordering-vampish.

Nadya wasn’t the only one who had been content to write off the strange aura that had come over the vampires in Isadora de la Rosa’s booth as nothing more than trepidation for the inevitable. Now, however, they have to face the facts.

There’s something in the Amulet that draws vampires to it. Cadence had said so himself — when he talked about generations of vampire influence. It’s not enough to incite a war (about which Nadya was admittedly worried, and with good reason given their track record) but covering it was a noticeable benefit to rational thinking.

They only have one thing going for them right now; if they can’t open it then no one else can, either. Hopefully that includes the Trinity. Maybe it even includes Gaius. Who knows? They certainly don’t.

There are too many unknowns — and they’re starting to take a toll on everyone in one form or another.

Adrian begins to gather up the dozens of data graphs spread out in front of him. “With that, I think we’ve come to a natural stopping point for the evening.” And nobody disagrees.

While Nadya carefully wraps the Amulet back up to return it to the R&D vault, Lily leans on her elbows and watches.

“I take it we still haven’t heard from Cadence? What about calling up Izzy?”

If only she had good news to give. “Nope; and I already did. She definitely remembers feeling that weird magnetism to it before it was repossessed by Persephone but nothing beyond that that she knew of. Actually,” she throws a look over to Adrian, “she suggested one thing; witch-fire? Something like that.”

He seems hesitant to mull the idea over. But they were desperate enough to let Jax hit it repeatedly, so…

“I’ll look into a few contacts. That kind of magic should only be used sparingly and in dire cases.”

“Would this count?”

A beat. “Probably. We would have to run it by the Council, though.” Which kind of nulls even the idea. Since everyone had agreed not to tell the rest of the Council yet. Not only because of the Amulet’s potential.

Lester, Priya, the Baron — Nadya likes to try and see the best in people as much as possible but they don’t make it easy on her. None of them are certain who would, if it came down to it, side against Gaius for a second time.

Nothing is unlikely anymore.

Wow, their shortest-lived idea yet.

Nadya nods towards the vault for Lily to follow. “As for the other thing — Kathy’s starting to get worried. I guess he left town a day after we did.” Which the Nighthunter had admitted wasn’t off-brand for Cadence. But the museum had let slip (which Nadya knows means ‘been bullied into admitting’) that he had been granted a leave of absence; very off-brand.

“The one thing he’s always had is that damn museum. No identity, no Izzy, and we both know I’m a recent development. He was a manic mess the first time that kind of dissociation happened.” The Nighthunter had kept her cool better than Nadya would have in her situation. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t worried ill.

“What if it’s worse this time,” even through the phone she couldn’t hide her concern; her fear, “what if he hurts himself? What if he hurts someone else?”

Hopefully they find him soon. But she’s met that strange group of people; the regulars at the Graveyard Shift. If anyone has the ability (and sheer force of stubborn will, to be honest) to find Cadence it’s them.

“I mean, if I went Jekyll and Hyde around a chick as crazy as that Trinity woman, I’d probably want to get away for my own health too.”

Lily’s comment doesn’t sit well with her; luckily at her admonishing look she at least looks apologetic. “You know what I mean.”

“I also know a little bit of what he’s going through.”

There’s an “ahem” behind them as Nadya spins the wheel on the vault. Adrian definitely has the look of someone who knows he shouldn’t have been eavesdropping but was anyway.

“Speaking of.”

Only… she’d rather not speak of it until it becomes a problem. “It’s fine,” she replies, and waves it off. That was what they’d agreed on for the time being, right? And there haven’t been any problems.

Turns out feeling the weight of relationship-burdened depression the moment you walk through your front door lends to a pretty heavy sleeping pattern. Like Nadya’s body doesn’t want her to do anything but try to get through the next day, and the next, and maybe… just maybe the one after that.

Adrian doesn’t seem immediately convinced. “Promise?”

“Pinky promise.” Which — he still doesn’t really get the concept but the verbal agreement is enough.

Once the lab is fully shut down they manage to pile together into the elevator. Jax thumbs at his phone, blows the hair out of his eyes just a little too close to Nadya’s ear for her liking. She swats him away because personal bubble.

“What’s the matter?”

“Eh, Espinoza wants —” But he catches himself with a look in Lily’s direction. “— something. She wants something. And I gotta… go get it.”

Nadya and Adrian just shake their heads and laugh at him while Lily pretends with absolutely no tact whatsoever not to know what he’s talking about. She even sticks her fingers in her ears like that’ll somehow stop her super vampire hearing.

Jax, somehow with even less tact, like negative tact, takes it as permission to lean and murmur on Nadya’s free side. “Apparently Lula got into the cake. So…”

“Weren’t there three?” Adrian hisses, surprised.

“You’ll get it when you meet her.”

Nadya reaches around and pats Jax’s chest awkwardly. “Good luck with that. Maybe try putting them in the passenger seat this time.”

“Shut up.”

“Just saying… third time’s the charm you know.”

When she gives Lily a nod in ‘all clear’ everyone knows she heard everything. But she’s just excited to know Maricruz is going as all-out as she possibly can, so who would be so heartless as to spoil the whole thing by just admitting the obvious?

Adrian lets them all off on the ground level and offers Nadya one last chance to go home early. “What do you pay her for if you keep giving her chances to not work?” And Jax raises a good point — too good of a point. She maybe shoves him in front of her with all her might, and he maybe stumbles. The world may never know. “Just saying — let me know next time there’s an opening.”

“I’ll be up in a sec. I just have to stake him first.”

She and Lily wave until the doors close. Yes, they live together and see each other every day. Yes, they recently defied death in New Orleans together. But its rare now that Nadya and Lily get a chance to unwind like they used to. So whenever it comes along they’re both there to indulge greedy and giggling.

“Mari’s really going all out with this party, huh?”

It’s a valiant effort but Lily doesn’t look so much humbly embarrassed as expectantly excited. “I think I’m in love, Nadi’,” she jumps the next few steps like hopscotch, “she was fully ready to get a bouncy castle.”

“How are they going to fit a bouncy castle in the Shadow Den?”

“Oh I didn’t say I let her. But she was planning on it, and isn’t that what true love is all about?”

Nadya tries not to falter. Key word being tries. And around anyone else she might do everything in her power not to draw attention to it but this is Lily. Who found her huddled up in bed hours after Kamilah’s farewell and called to cancel her own date to stay with her; to be there for her and give her all the hugs she desperately needed but didn’t know how to ask for.

She doesn’t need to pretend around that kind of love and friendship.

But before Nadya can apologize Lily starts up an air drum solo in front of her while they walk. “And winner for Most Insensitive Best Friend Ever is — drum roll…”

“You’re fine, Lil’.”

“I’m gushing about my life while you’re… not so hot.”

Nope, Nadya won’t have it. “You’re gonna gush because you have every right to gush, okay? You’ve been a vampire for a whole year. That’s super important. You survived Turning, became the digital fanged crusader, and it’s ten times more cool because you did it all without a brand. Jax and Adrian can’t say that. Heck… even Kamilah can’t.

“So if you want a Turning party, you’re gonna get a Turning party. I’m not the only one who thinks you’re worth celebrating.” They lace their fingers and Nadya squeezes. “Plus if Jax shows up with the third set of cakes to a canceled party I think he might flip his lid.”

Lily gives a dramatic little sniffle — pretends to wipe a nonexistent tear from her eye. “Please tell me you just memorized all that.”

“Why?”

“Because it’ll be the speech to end all speeches.”

Together they play-shove all the way through the Raines Building atrium. Right before the revolving door Lily spins her around, takes both of their hands together and swings them gently.

“Do you want me to uninvite her? She probably doesn’t even care.”

“No — and even if we broke up, like, badly I wouldn’t want that. I’m just not that kind of person.”

“True, you’d probably invite them to Christmas dinner or something.”

She rolls her eyes at that and ignores it for her own sanity. “And for the record — as someone with experience in decoding Kamilah-isms, I think you surprised her. She admires strength, and Lily… you’re the strongest person I know.”

When they hug, like always, their glasses get jostled in the middle and the following laughter lightens both of their hearts. Lily makes her promise to add that last line to her speech (which inadvertently is a promise to write a speech, she’s guessing) and only when she’s out the doors and around the corner of the block does Nadya head back up to the office.

Adrian is leaning in his open doorway when she exits the elevator — Nadya slows her steps for a hesitant second before coming to realize he’s just having another one of his pensive moods. He’s been having them a lot lately. More and more since they returned from New Orleans.

This one looks different though. He’s not staring into space — he’s staring at her.

“What?” She finally yields, glancing at her boss over her shoulder while the computer boots up slow as a snail. “What’s that face for?”

Nadya nearly convinces herself he isn’t going to answer.

“It’s good to see you smiling, that’s all.” He leans out and squeezes her shoulder; something soft and friendly and so sweet her teeth ache from it. Before Adrian can pull away Nadya makes sure to return the gesture.

“It’s good to smile,” which is far more bleak than she would like, “you know something?”

Adrian pauses mid-step. “Hm?”

“It’s even better to mean it.”

[microsuedemouse]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhwoof I hate fandom/ship drama

anyway I’ve been thinking about how. there is nothing, inherently wrong,, with being interested in exploring ships (or even non-romantic/non-sexual character dynamics!) that are unhealthy in-universe.

here’s something: there is value in recognising that a ship is unhealthy or toxic or abusive or whichever other descriptor you feel fits best. (I am going to be using ‘unhealthy’ as my umbrella word in this post; obviously it’s an understatement to call an abusive relationship ‘unhealthy’ but it’s still accurate and it encompasses the variety of things I’m talking about.) there is value in taking that as fact and acknowledging such in whatever exploratory work you may choose to create or engage in.

I wanna take a second here to clarify part of what I mean: it is not inherently wrong to enjoy an unhealthy ship, and you are not required to defend a ship as healthy/‘not abusive’ in order to justify your interest in it. this is a very weird result, imo, of purity culture and virtue signalling. when you have a healthy understanding of the difference between fiction and reality, and a recognition of what’s acceptable in reality and what’s compelling in fiction, it’s actually very worth exploring what interests and engages you about Fictional Bad Things.

you know that phenomenon where people love villains? a lot of discourse around purity culture naturally leads to the conclusion: “it is wrong to like villains.” most of us are capable of recognising that this... doesn’t make sense. because obviously, we aren’t - or at least, the great majority of us aren’t - claiming that we would like and support this person in reality, or that we would be entirely comfortable with the deeds they commit if those deeds took place in reality. we’re saying that the character appeals to and compels us for some reason, within fiction. that’s a different thing - and it’s usually a sign of good writing! it’s very worth exploring that experience: what about this villain makes you like them so much? what about them makes them relatable to you, or sympathetic to you, or perhaps even cathartic to you? these kinds of questions can offer both entertainment value and, possibly, some new insights into yourself as a person. those insights might turn out to be interesting and meaningless, or they might provide you with new ways to express yourself, or they might even offer you a new avenue for growth.

(moral purity often also extends to the conclusion ‘you shouldn’t enjoy stories in which the main character suffers, because it’s wrong to enjoy someone’s pain.’ we all know this makes no sense, because that includes most stories. a major reason human beings tell stories is to share in the emotional journey of a protagonist ultimately overcoming great obstacles. but anyway, this is a whole other issue, really.)

what I’m getting at is - the same can apply to ships. there are a few approaches to unhealthy ships, and I wouldn’t go so far as to say they stand on equal moral ground, but there are a variety of ways you might be able to explore them without it making you an inherently evil person, or whatever. it’s also worth noting that while, obviously, I’m expressing here what aligns with my moral position and encouraging you to think similarly - but, I also encourage you to think critically about your own moral positions. decide what is comfortable for you, and what feels right to engage with. it’s fine and it’s normal to draw your own lines in the sand and say, this is where the range of acceptable ends for me. I won’t support or engage with what’s on the other side.

to give a quick overview of some approaches I’m not as comfortable with: sometimes you’ll find a writer/artist/other fan who likes to depict a ship as totally healthy in a way that can only be described as out-of-character. sometimes this seems to be a denial of the actuality of the ship; I don’t like that so much because it’s often a refusal to acknowledge that their canonical behaviour/dynamic is bad. other times this is depicted as a sort of AU; this doesn’t bother me quite as much personally (often depending on what the writer’s overall attitudes seem to be) but it’s also often less interesting to me. in my experience, this is usually very self-indulgent work and has a lot more to do with the writer’s own experiences than with canon itself. which is fair, honestly. sometimes that’s cathartic for the writer and that’s enough - I don’t have to be into it personally to respect it.

another thing that crops up that’s kind of worrisome, imo, is when a writer/artist/etc. depicts the ship as in-character but denies that it’s unhealthy. now, in fairness, if you’re simply reading a fic or looking at a piece of fanart or something, you cannot always tell exactly how the creator thinks the ship actually operates. not everyone is always going to include a disclaimer that says ‘hey I don’t think this is actually Good.’ so try not to immediately ascribe intent to the writer/etc. unless you’ve seen them state outright somewhere: this isn’t abuse, it’s just cute! (or whatever it is they’re seeing.) at that point it is worth being concerned about what this person thinks constitutes a healthy relationship, and if you don’t feel good about supporting their work that’s entirely fair.

HOWEVER. there are also other approaches. two in particular stand out to me that I think are worth discussing. one is simply exploring the possibilities of an unhealthy relationship, with total acknowledgement of its flaws. one unhealthy dynamic that I admittedly find really engaging a lot of the time? ‘these two characters are Very obsessed with each other, and it sure ain’t healthy psychologically, but it’s definitely mutual.’ I love that shit. gimme a couple of unhinged, incredibly codependent pieces of shit, and you have my full attention. particularly if they’re on equal footing - if they’re damaging one another, it’s reciprocal, or at very least they’re both getting exactly what they want out of the relationship. obviously this would not be a dynamic I could support in real life! that’s terrible and I don’t want anyone to go through it! but in fictional characters it can be fascinating to explore. and if the content is going to upset or trigger certain fans: that’s why we use tags and warnings. AO3, where many of us go for a huge amount of our fan content, literally has a whole system in place for precisely this purpose: so we can let each other know what’s inside, and make informed choices about what we want to consume.

the other common approach is the redemption arc. it’s always gonna be up to you which characters you consider redeemable and which ones you don’t - that’s okay. again, it’s your choice what content to engage and what to pass over. but as people we’re traditionally very fond of the redemption arc story, and as fans we love to create the redemption arcs our favourite characters don’t get to live out in canon. because we love something about the character and want to explore them further. like I said earlier, that in itself is worth giving some thought to. sometimes we’ll even end up writing partial redemptions: this character goes from totally reprehensible to kind of appealingly awful. the ship goes from abusive to a much more regular level of fucked up. that can definitely be an interesting story in itself, and it’s okay if you want to explore it.

the main thing is that you always exercise your ability to think critically about what you’re consuming and why you like it - which, honestly, you should be trying to do all of the time, anyway. be clear about what you do and don’t endorse, about what your actual values are, about where you draw the line. (as both an example and a disclaimer, since I know I still have followers from A Certain Fandom where this cropped up a lot before I mostly dipped: one line that I personally draw, and always will, is at ships involving an adult and a literal child. I am not comfortable with exploring this even in the hypothetical space of fan content. it is too objectionable to be compelling.)

go forth. explore your unhealthy ships and shitty favourite characters. experiment and learn why they compel you. write properly-labelled fanfic about them hurting each other and loving it. just remember that everyone has different boundaries, and that fiction and reality are very separate spaces. acknowledge that what you’re enjoying is not inherently right or acceptable in real life just because you enjoy it in a story, and it doesn’t have to be. if you’re a content creator, consider portraying these things in such a way that your audience is well aware of your position on the matter, in order to help them also understand what is and isn’t healthy. be a ruthless writer and a kind person, and you’ll do just fine.

[themyskira]

Carol "I always had super powers" is such a fucked up plot point. Especially since in red-zone she explicitly stated that this opinion was used by the military to justify discrediting all of her records and accomplishments. She says gaining superpowers undid the work of decades of fighting for recognition. And to then say "all those dudes who used your powers to claim a woman couldn't accomplish what you did normally, they were RIGHT". it directly undermines one of her most important arcs

It’s a terrible retcon on so many levels.

To me, one of Carol’s defining features as a character is that, long before she ever got superpowers, long before she joined the military, she was a girl who wanted things that girls weren’t supposed to want. Her dreams were too big, too loud, too fast, too inexplicable for those around her to take seriously. She was made to feel different, and then, when she stopped asking and decided to go out and seize her dreams for herself, she was made to feel difficult.

Kelly Sue DeConnick encapsulated it so beautifully in her very first issue of Captain Marvel, in Helen Cobb’s oft-quoted letter to Carol:

“Folks want to blame someone for gals like us. ‘Her daddy was unkind’ or ‘some fella broke her heart’… Hogwash. You and me’ve always been like this. Always a little removed. Always… dreaming. Of higher, further, faster… more. Always more.“

Stohl’s retcon undermines this story. It tells us that these things that Carol wanted, that she was told were weird and wrong for a girl to want, were perfectly natural desires – not because girls should be allowed to dream large, but because she was the daughter of a Kree warrior and thus was instinctually drawn to action and outer space.

It tells us that the reason she always felt different and out-of-place in her world had nothing to do with ill-fitting societal expectations and everything to do with her being an actual alien who was literally out-of-place.

It tells us that, yes, of course she had to fight throughout her career in order to earn recognition and climb through the ranks of the Air Force and NASA… buuuuuut she was also helped along throughout her career by her superior alien DNA, since even before her superpowers got kickstarted she was full-on outrunning trucks.

In short, it takes an aspect of Carol’s character that is distinctive and powerful and beautifully relatable and turns it into a shrug of ‘nvm she was just ~special~ all along i guess’.

[frame-to-frame]

On Griffith’s Sacrifice, Coping Mechanisms, and Heartbreak

This is an essay that jumps off from the amazing  Griffith   meta written by @bthump (most particularly part 4). All of the groundwork for the following argument is laid out there, this is just an elaboration on Griffith’s decision to make the sacrifice, though I hope it also stands on its own.

CW for extended discussions of self harm, self loathing, and suicide

~~

What I love most about Griffith’s fall into villainy is that it’s not motivated by ideology. Unlike the villains we’re used to, who differ from Our Heroes on the basis of their (often warped) ideals (e.g. a belief in anarchy, vengeance, hierarchies between peoples, etc.), Griffith does not ultimately make a moral or ideological decision to perpetrate an evil act. In his choice to become a monster, as he finally capitulates and chants “I sacrifice,” he’s not justifying a utilitarian worldview that proclaims that the sacrifice of a comparative few is better for the long run for humanity as a species (even if this does end up being the ethical consequence of his actions with Falconia). No – in his final human moments, Griffith isn’t weighing the pros and cons of moral philosophy, instead, he’s making an emotionally motivated decision, one ultimately based in guilt, self loathing, and the inability to live with a broken heart.

I want to draw out (at length, I’m sorry) the motivations behind Griffith’s final decision to sacrifice the BotH and, most importantly, to sacrifice Guts. In this reading (which ofc is just one interpretation of this sequence, but one that I think hangs together rather well), I’m mainly suggesting two things: one, that this is, at its core, an act of self destruction, specifically self harm at its most extreme. And two, that when Griffith makes his sacrifice, he’s not choosing to finally attain his dream, it’s all about the choice to “cut [his] love asunder.”

In my view, this decision is a manifestation of Griffith’s impulse toward self harm finally functioning as a weapon pointing outwards instead of just inwards. In his sacrifice Griffith has been driven to such a point of unbearable emotional pain that self annihilation through harming the person he loves most in the world seems like the only option left – and so he decides to sacrifice Guts in order to not just hurt but utterly destroy himself.

So how does he get to this point?

Making the decision to hurt/kill Guts, more than the BotH (as we’ll get into), is the extreme endpoint of Griffith’s trauma and emotional damage (his self loathing, emotional dependency, etc.). Leading up to this he must reach what he thinks of as a point of no return, of unbearable emotional pain, and he must also have all other possible escapes and coping mechanisms stripped away. When he makes this decision, he is at the darkest, most emotionally damaged moment of his life.

As I see it, Griffith has two central mechanisms to cope with the pain and negative feelings he can’t deal with (usually his guilt): emotional repression/denial/rationalization (I’m considering this as a bundle) and self harm. The first is Griffith telling himself that the pain doesn’t exist; the second is telling himself that he deserves to feel it.

To recap, since reuniting with the BotH, Griffith has been grappling with the knowledge that he essentially has no worth to anyone anymore and that he is entirely dependent – not just because of his post-torture physical state, but more fundamentally because he’s realized that he’s in love with Guts.

It only makes sense, then, that his overhearing what he thinks is Guts’ plan to leave him again functions as the tipping point for that final, unbearable emotional burden of a broken heart. As a form of self protection, Griffith summons a cavalcade of coping mechanisms to attempt to avoid the heartbreak that comes with the recognition that he can’t fathom a life or a future without him.

Let’s run down how these defense mechanisms and the possibilities to escape his heartbreak are dismantled piece by piece, leading up to the moment the behelit opens:

When he first overhears Casca and Guts’ conversation, Griffith’s first instinct is to try to run away back to his dream, falling back on that familiar combo of denial and emotional repression. When he takes the cart and irrationally follows that fleeting vision of his dream, he’s once again trying to deny that Guts is more important, attempting to convince himself that the dream can still serve as an effective replacement for losing Guts.

However, once the cart is overturned and the dream vanishes, he is forced to accept that this dream of a kingdom is not an escape – it’s gone from his reach. All he has left to look forward to is a future without a dream and without Guts, a realization communicated through his hallucination of a domestic future life with Casca.

During this hallucination sequence he is still trying to rationalize away the pain of losing Guts forever. He tries to repress, tell himself that this is fine, it “isn’t so bad,” because he’s still trying to protect his heart.

But then the behelit reappears, first in his mindscape and then, afterwards, summoned by the threads of fate, and the possibility for his dream re-emerges in a tangible way. At this point, whether the behelit only serves as a physical reminder of living his dream, or whether he knows on some level the significance of its reappearance – that it means the real possibility of choosing his dream over Guts once and for all might once again be in reach – this marks a fundamental change in Griffith.

After this point he’s no longer calm, or determined, or resigned – he loses his composure completely and goes into hysterics. He’s not repressing or redirecting anymore, he just freaks out. So why is the behelit’s appearance what seems to trigger this? Personally, I read this as being the moment he truly realizes that the dream isn’t enough.

The look on his face in response to this physical reminder of the dream is nothing short of terror.

This is why, I think, immediately after glimpsing the behelit and awakening from his nightmare, Griffith tries to kill himself, as he lies, body broken, in the river. What makes the most sense to me in interpreting this sequence of events is that Griffith is confronting on a fundamental level that nothing is worth losing Guts, even the dream can’t replace him, and that ultimately nothing can.

This is the moment he accepts that he doesn’t even want to choose the dream anymore – and that, consequently, there’s nowhere left to hide from his pain.

In attempting to commit suicide he’s still trying to protect his heart; the only answer it seems to him, as a final escape, is choosing to die over living a life without Guts, dream or no dream – over living with the pain of a broken heart.

He, of course, fails, because fate has other plans, and the soul-shattering despair of his heartbreak steadily begins to creep over him (as the Eclipse monsters close in around him). At this point he is trying to hold back that unbearable, undeniable pain of knowing he is about to lose the only thing that truly matters to him, forever; this is the knowledge that he will not be able to cope with Guts leaving him again, that ultimately nothing can fill that void.

Once the behelit is actually in his hand, he begs Guts not to touch him – “I’ll never… never again with you…” – this desperate pleading is his final, futile attempt to protect himself, because he knows that at the touch of his hand on his shoulder, and all the visceral reminders of his emotional dependency bound up in that, he will be unable to hold back the floodgates of loss and despair that threaten to overwhelm him – the realization that no, in fact it isn’t “fine” to lose him forever, even if it means getting to live his dream after all.

I think you can read this scene in terms of Griffith realizing what’s about to happen or not, either works. If you buy that he does realize it, his begging Guts not to touch him has the added layer of desperate terror over the prospect of being forced to choose his dream over Guts once and for all.

When the behelit opens, this marks the utter breakdown of Griffith’s first coping mechanism – in this moment, he can no longer deny, repress, or escape from the pain of his broken heart. In and after this moment he is stripped bare, left utterly naked in his emotional vulnerability.

When he goes on to catch Guts as he falls from the pillar of heads, Griffith’s desperation is so nakedly on display it’s almost uncomfortable to look at. There are no masks left to shelter him from his emotional pain. He simply has to live it.

Despite thinking that Guts is going to leave him, that Guts was always disgusted by him, Griffith still, irrationally, impossibly, loves him and wants to save his life at any cost. He doesn’t want to choose the dream. He’s not yet ready to make the sacrifice – he still prioritizes his love for Guts over everything else, even though his heart is broken and the pain of it is clearly unbearable.

That’s where the Godhand’s guilt trip comes in.

Now, I read this sequence as working in a very particular way. In my view, their whole spiel here isn’t simply telling Griffith that the dream is still within reach – this is something I believe he’s already realized can’t replace losing Guts; it’s functionally irrelevant to help him cope with his pain at this point.

More importantly, what the Godhand is doing is persuading Griffith to make the sacrifice, by leaning on his guilt and self loathing. This may seem like splitting hairs, but this is the heart of my point: that Griffith isn’t being convinced to choose the dream, he’s being convinced to cut his love asunder.

They’re ultimately reminding him of what lies at the core of his dream: his guilt and monstrousness, in order to convince him that he ultimately deserves to feel the pain of sacrificing what he loves most, because he is, at his deepest, truest self, someone evil, dirty, cruel. They’re not getting him to choose the dream, they’re getting him to choose the sacrifice, and we can see this in the way the sequence is constructed.

What the Godhand is actually telling Griffith is that sacrificing his loved ones (not, ultimately, attaining the dream) provides an effective way out of this unbearable pain, because it will allow him to shed his own humanity: finally becoming the monster he always (thought he) was. This is ultimately what convinces Griffith to agree to the sacrifice.

As a reminder, at this point, Griffith has zero capacity to deal with the feelings of guilt that comes with the mountain of bodies the Godhand lays at his feet throughout this sequence. He’s emotionally vulnerable, his heart broken and his capacity for emotional repression at an all-time low. The Godhand also remove the possibility for Griffith to rationalize this long-standing guilt away (as being “for the greater good”) by telling him that all those choices along that road of corpses have been evil acts; that he is, fundamentally, already a monster: someone who deserves to reap what he’s sown.

As we’ll see, this tactic of leaning on Griffith’s self loathing isn’t strictly necessary to get him to sacrifice the Band, but it is necessary to get him to sacrifice Guts.

Basically, the guilt trip is designed to remind him of his inner monster, what he hates most about himself, in order to ultimately convince him to perpetrate an act of self harm, as both punishment and atonement for the actions he feels intense guilt over.

It’s not a coincidence that the same language keeps coming up in their emotional manipulation. This is who you are.

This particular reading of the guilt trip sequence circles back to the sentiment I opened with – that Griffith’s decision to make the sacrifice is not based in an ideology of utilitarianism. He’s not being convinced by the sunk cost fallacy (though this does play into it with respect to sacrificing the BotH) – he’s ultimately being convinced by being told that he is already a monster, and that accordingly the only thing he can do is embrace that self-loathing impulse to destroy everything he cares about – because this is who he is: someone who is, at his core, already evil.

(And, quick sidebar, I’m not sure I need to say this, but I don’t think anything Griffith did was actually evil up until his decision to make the sacrifice. He was just another leader who had to make hard decisions. This whole thing is just the Godhand playing into Griffith’s fucked up conception of himself.)

Remember that Griffith already associates the guilt of pursuing his dream with both self loathing and what he believes to be his own monstrousness. His willingness to put others in harm’s way for the sake of his dream is what he’s always hated most about himself and why he feels he deserves to suffer and be punished over it. We know he feels guilt about allowing people to be sacrificed for the sake of his dream, his “filthy schemes,” etc. – basically he feels guilt about putting others in harm’s way in order to further his own goals. These goals, of course, are not evil in themselves, but instead are ironically and perversely motivated by justifying those same acts as a sort of vicious circle.

And remember that he already has a pattern of coping with this guilt primarily through self harm, because this capacity for monstrousness is the greatest source of his self loathing. Having sex with a child predator, viciously self harming, and the risky behaviour that ultimately lands him in a torture chamber are just small steps on the road to “I sacrifice.” This final act is framed by the Godhand as the ultimate way to punish himself for continuing to pursue the dream, by embracing what is cruel, dirty, and loathsome about himself.

Up until this point, the guilt trip has been centred around Griffith’s general guilt over sacrificing people for his dream. It’s been designed around getting Griffith to agree to sacrifice the BotH, and so accordingly, this section of the guilt trip ends with this:

Here we see medium shots/closeups highlighting the faces of the BotH, who “should forgive [him],” because they have already agreed to lay down their lives for the sake of his dream. However, we also see Guts, who stands apart from the Band, depicted alone in extreme long shot in the corner of the page… and this is where the Godhand’s emotional manipulation gets really dirty.

The next pages are as follows:

This final section of the guilt trip is so utterly manipulative. The first handful of times I read this part I was really confused by why Void says this – don’t the Godhand know that the dream doesn’t matter anymore, that it’s no longer dazzling in Griffith’s eyes? That the junk has grown dull?

Without thinking any deeper about this, it’s easy to read this moment as Griffith choosing the dream over Guts – that Griffith is deciding that yes, it is more dazzling than anything. But of course, Griffith (and we as readers by this point) know it’s not. It’s been hammered home already that the dream pales in comparison, that nothing is worth losing Guts, not even for the sake of his dream.

What I think Void is actually doing here is subtly redirecting Griffith toward the deepest source of the pain he truly cannot bear: his loss and heartbreak. Void’s tactics here are indirect, he doesn’t say it outright, but he is gently pointing Griffith toward who in fact lies in the ruins of his dream, who is more dazzling than anything. It’s not a coincidence that “in the ruins of your dream” is overlaid on a panel of Guts’ face.

The way the guilt trip is laid out differentiates Griffith’s decision to sacrifice the Band from his decision to sacrifice Guts. Remember that from Griffith’s perspective, Guts has already decided to leave – he’s functionally no longer a member of the BotH. Guts didn’t want to be Griffith’s soldier, he wasn’t just meeting a fitting end for what he always wanted in life (to prop up Griffith’s dream).

Those constant reminders that he’s a monster aren’t ultimately for the purpose of getting Griffith to sacrifice the Band – in fact this is something he’s already effectively agreed to do a chapter earlier:

No, all of this been leading up to convincing Griffith to sacrifice Guts.

And, indeed, what’s promised to Griffith directly after Void’s declaration is “raven-black wings” – it’s the promise of becoming one of the Godhand, of becoming Femto, not of obtaining a castle or becoming emotionally repressed NeoGriffith. It’s the promise of becoming a monster. And in fact the kingdom doesn’t even rate a mention:

Griffith isn’t choosing the dream, in fact it doesn’t even rank anymore. The appeal is the sacrifice itself, not what comes after. No part of this sequence is designed to make choosing the dream appealing to Griffith, it’s all about the dream’s negative aspects: the self loathing, guilt, and monstrousness that come along with it. The Godhand is trying to convince Griffith that he’s already reached the point of no return, that he’s already made too many evil choices to come back from, and thus he deserves everything that comes along with making this choice.

What’s happening here is that Void is conflating Griffith’s guilt and his heartbreak into one jumbled mass of pain, and he’s telling him that he deserves to feel all of it, because he is, at his core, an evil person. The Godhand is telling Griffith that he deserves not only to have his heart broken, but to hurt the person he loves most, because he’s never been worthy of love in the first place, that he’s always been a monster. This is ultimately Griffith’s reason for choosing to sacrifice Guts – because he has been convinced that he deserves to feel the pain of sacrificing what he loves most.

So when Griffith finally acquiesces and accepts the sacrifice – finally saying “yes,” right after this, Griffith follows it up with the declaration that “You’re the only one… who made me forget my dream.” This sentiment is also, on the surface, really puzzling – because why does he say this of all things in this moment?

But what he says actually makes a lot of sense if you read this as being the moment Griffith realizes, at Void’s subtle prodding, that he’s not just going to have to sacrifice the Band, but that he’s going to have to sacrifice Guts as well. It’s working in direct response to Void’s “If even now, that castle… is in your eyes more dazzling than anything.” This is his answer to that question. No, it’s not – you’re the one who made me forget my dream. You’re the one who made the junk grow dull.

I don’t even read this as an accusation made in anger, there’s no malice in his face at all… his hatred is reserved for himself alone.

“You made me forget my dream.” Ever since the torture chamber, from when Griffith equates the dream with “junk,” to his terror at the prospect of the behelit, to the guilt trip over the road of corpses, the dream has been exclusively framed in negative, destructive terms. Pursuing it has been the most loathsome, unconscionable part of himself, the part he can’t live with, and in and through the guilt trip he’s just experienced, Griffith has fully recognized that.

In this sense, what might at first glance be read as spite (“you made me…”) actually functions as the complete opposite. Guts making him forget his dream was a good thing. You were my light out of the darkness. And that is why it has to be you.

This is actually Griffith’s final declaration of love. It could have just as easily been: “Yes. I love you most of all, more than anything in the world. It’s you I have to sacrifice to become a monster.”

This marks the extreme point of tension between love and hate, the “suffering so profound as to make someone rip himself apart.” This is loving someone so deeply that it utterly destroys you to hurt them.

And if you choose to read it this way, it sure does put a whole new spin on “The life you couldn’t take by your own hand, the life of the person you loved the most and hated the most!! You gave it to us!!” if the person you loved the most and hated the most are, in fact, different people. After all, he did actually give them both of their lives. And really, the only time we ever see Griffith’s hatred actually being directed at Guts was for all of about five seconds after he rescued him from the torture chamber.

“You’re the only one…Who made me forget my dream.” The look on his face here is one of acceptance and self loathing, not one of anger, spite, or accusation. His sad smile points directly back at those others we’ve already seen as Griffith recognizes and accepts, with utter self contempt, this aspect of himself – that he is someone willing to do wicked and cruel things that he hates and wants to punish himself for. It’s got that same sense of knowingness to it too – it’s that final confirmation of “yes, you were right, I am a fucking monster. This is the proof.”

To restate my point, it isn’t that the Godhand’s guilt trip convinces Griffith that finally grasping his dream can fill the void of his loss and heartbreak. To Griffith, the appeal of making the sacrifice doesn’t lie in his being able to finally choose the dream over Guts once and for all – it’s in being able to become a monster (i.e. someone willing to do selfish, evil deeds) in order to bury his heart. The guilt the Godhand lays over him throughout this sequence in this sense actually functions as a sort of salve, a reminder that this is, at his core, what he’s always been.

The Godhand is giving him one final escape from his pain – the annihilation of his unbearable, painful humanity. If Griffith is in no position to attempt suicide bodily, then doing it spiritually is the next best option: to destroy his soul, his humanity, in and through his sacrifice, by burying his heart in the body of a monster. And by monster I don’t mean Griffith knows he’s going to become Femto per se, just that he has been pushed to the point of believing that he is someone capable of committing a true act of evil in sacrificing the person he loved most.

At this point, Griffith has nowhere else to turn – his capacity to deny or repress his feelings is gone, his choice to kill himself as an escape has been taken away from him, and he knows he can’t live on with the intense pain and guilt that threaten to overwhelm him. The only answer left is the inward-outward pointing sword of self destruction.

To sum up, there are four main reasons (at least for the purposes of this meta)* that Griffith makes the sacrifice, which are all jumbled together in a complicated, self-loathing mess:

It allows him to justify the deaths that weigh on him by finally achieving his dream

It validates what he thinks Guts always thought he was (“You believe that, don’t you?” / “You of all people”)

It allows him to “atone” for the actions he feels guilt over by self harming/dirtying/punishing himself by hurting the person he loved the most

It provides the possibility of living with the pain of his heartbreak by becoming someone truly evil who seemingly wasn’t ever worthy of love in the first place

*Despite my saying this, there’s actually still a ton to say on this topic – but since they don’t strictly fit this meta’s argument, I’ll just briefly mention a few additional reasons (also motivated by self loathing) that Griffith agrees to the sacrifice: the chance to become able bodied/physically superior (and not just equal) to Guts (a God with wings to “soar in the heavens”), the self-destructive appeal of finally making a selfish choice (vs. “for their sakes”), etc.

Basically, in this moment Griffith is embracing that deciding to become a monster, at the highest pinnacle of self loathing, is doing the worst thing he could possibly imagine and killing the one thing he loved most and thought he had left in his life (“take all you have left”) – turning that sword outward onto Guts in order to turn it most damningly back on himself. Through this act he has actually become the monster he always thought he was.

Because, let’s be real, Griffith’s decision to sacrifice Guts is an evil choice: he is doing harm to another person from a selfish, morally indefensible place. While the BotH’s sacrifice can still be rationalized away as their meeting a fitting end – a death they had already agreed to in service of “the greater good/dream” – sacrificing Guts is the actual step he needed to take to bury his heart and self destruct completely.

Griffith’s decision is still coming from a place of extreme self loathing and psyche-shattering pain. We may completely understand and sympathize with him in his final human moment; he is after all motivated by guilt, self hatred, and a broken heart – but his sacrifice particularly of Guts is still crossing a moral line. This act can’t be justified in any moral or ideological sense, only in an emotional one.

This why the sacrifice of one’s most dearly beloved (not soldiers) is necessary for apostlehood in the first place. In other words, to become a monster, you need to hate yourself so much that you’re willing to hurt the person you love most, in order to not just hurt but utterly destroy yourself – to turn the sword outward in order to turn it back inward once and for all.

The Afterword: Femto and NeoGriffith

Reading Griffith’s choice to sacrifice Guts as an act of self loathing also provides an interesting perspective on Femto if we read him as a manifestation of Griffith’s last, self-destructive human impulse: a crystallization of his last tear shed. Because if we read Femto as having become basically that same inward/outward-pointing sword, he is essentially an embodiment of Griffith’s self loathing, self harm, as well as his capacity for cruelty, monstrousness, and guilt.

In that sense, Griffith’s acts of cruelty as Femto are all manifestations of that same self-loathing impulse to not just hurt those around him, but to ultimately hurt himself by lashing out at those he cares about – to make Guts and Casca hate him in order to justify the hatred he feels toward himself. In that sense it makes some kind of ironic sense for him to keep Guts and Casca alive, as a parallel masochistic reminder to Guts’ of the “wound” he left him.

Even if OG!Griffith is not actually in there somewhere to actually experience that pain in whatever capacity (though he clearly is, his heart was buried, not destroyed), Femto can still be read as a crystallization and embodiment of that final act of self hatred, which becomes truly monstrous/evil when it’s finally directed outward at others.

And if Femto is Griffith’s self harm personified, then it only makes sense that NeoGriffith is an embodiment of his other coping mechanism – denial and emotional repression.

And, let me also point out, both coping mechanisms are set up to be taken down by the recognition that Guts loved him all along.

Thank you for reading,

Thoughts, critiques, and disagreements are very much welcome

[alexsmitposts]

Blind Faith, Subterfuge and not “Real Issues” will decide US Presidential Elections Voter behaviour is not really so complicated. I once even took a course in it; about all that I can remember is that the “incumbent and name recognition is all that really matters” in getting re-elected, especially for a US President. Regardless of who is the pick for vice president, or whether or not Joe Biden is a Republican at heart with a bad case of both venality and dementia and Trump cannot make truthful statements, the November election is therefore kind of a “toss up”—at least at first impression. Trump is larger than life, whether or not that is a good thing. This worked in his favour last time round, as the outsider candidate against the tainted Hillary Clinton, pillar of the political establishment, the sort who gives representing a relatively left-leaning party a bad name. But this time the US is not electing a new president, it is holding what is effectively a referendum on the incumbent. In 2016 the primary motivation was voting either FOR Trump or FOR Hillary. This time a significant portion of the population will be voting AGAINST Trump, just because it’s him, and his main task will be get these people to stay at home, rather than vote for Biden, even if they have to hold their noses to do so. But with so many Republicans having a problem with Trump, and Democrats having a problem with Sloppy Joe Biden, there will be less interest in engaging WITH, rather than AGAINST, either candidate. If voters act on hate alone, Biden will walk it. But the long campaigning season will probably end with a weary populace ignoring the real issues and voting on the basis of blind faith – that regardless of things like issues and facts, someone, somehow, is going to make their lives better before the whole political system collapses around them. Schoolyard Bully I am dumbfounded at how Trump can blatantly and unapologetically pander to Christians and they eat it up!!! He is reported to have made a statement that if the states don’t open the churches this weekend there will be consequences!!! Trump has many supporters in the South, where they are keen on States´Rights. But Facebook and other social media sites are repeating his nonsense, and throwing their endorsement to Trump. Maybe the man is the genius he says he is after all. He is definitely playing them – what can Facebook do, censor Trump or claim that such statements go against community standards? He has been a genius at one thing for his entire life – getting his own way, and just for the hell of it, regardless of what is right or well-advised. Like the rich kid who learns how to twist his parents in knots, Trump is godlike in his ability to manipulate. He will use any trick in the book, and make up some new ones. This may end up being what the election is actually about. The more Trump lies and cheats and gets away with it, the more the disadvantaged and the crooked, who have fallen by the wayside when playing by the rules, will think he offers hope. The rest of America will then decide whether that is really the world they want to live in for the next four years, in the midst of a succession of crises they often have wilfully unreal ideas about to begin with. As one new American, before the new immigration rules set in, shared, “Trump is not that evil; I don’t think he is Godlike. He is just a compulsive dude with a character. He is simple but knows how to bargain for profits. Why everyone is after him, it’s funny; I have never seen Americans liking their president ever, as they like Trump.” Us against them Versus them against Us Of course this means Trump won’t campaign by the rules either. Other people made those rules, the same people many Americans blame for taking away their jobs and being soft on their enemies. Trump will do whatever he has to do, whatever the cost, ignoring little things like the Constitution, Rule of Law and facts.His latest stunt is to question whether Biden’s VP running mate is qualified to stand for the office, based on her parent’s origins. That is really catering to his base, as he knows only too well that she is in no way disqualified for the office, but many people wish she was. Barack Obama was subject to so much rumour about his own origins that he actually displayed his birth certificate (saying Honolulu, Hawaii, 4th August 1961, i.e. after it had become part of the US) at a press conference. These allegations were never based on fact, but allowed some voters to dress up prejudice as hoped-for fact. Trump joined these allegations, saw they worked, and has been finding new ways to make prejudice seem justified ever since. Constitutional law experts say Harris’ parents are beside the point. The 14th Amendment grants citizenship to all people born in the US, and Article II Section 1 of the Constitution says that to be eligible for the vice presidency and presidency a candidate must be natural-born US citizen, at least 35, and a resident of the United States for a minimum of 14 years. But the Constitution embodies the establishment, and Trump doesn’t consider himself part of it. Many of his supporters feel betrayed by it, their needs and values having been relegated to secondary status, or worse, because they and their friends were never asked to write the Constitution. Trump has lied to his base like he has lied to everyone else. He does it every day, shamelessly. Remember building a wall and making Mexico pay for it, incarcerating Hillary, paying off the debt and stopping wars, let alone the more recent ones about COVID-19 response. But what is escaping critical attention is that the current man in the White House represents the character and morals of the masses of people who make up the country. They won’t admit openly to being everything America pretends it isn’t, which is why Trump is being hammered in the polls, but they will be voting in mass for his re-election. Their core values are the same: family, Church, flag and job security, as if these are the answer to everything in themselves, no actual performance or policy is needed. The vast majority of these voters must feel that they are now being taken care of—for most that means less government, affordable education and healthcare. If Trump makes an about-turn, such as introducing Medicare for all at a price, he will be hoeing in high cotton as the presidential election nears. Blind faith in the system versus blind faith in anything other than the system may not be the best choice to have, as countries which have had revolutions understand. But both sides are gambling that this is how the voters will see it, and that they will choose their faith over the other, and then prosecute it for four years with the same religious fervour so that reality doesn’t come and bite too hard. Bubbling under the Radar Trump may support a small state, but he did a clever move extending Federal Unemployment benefits by executive order, albeit not to the previous level of 600 dollars per week on top of any State benefit. He realised that he had no time to waste, especially in the wake of the economic havoc of COVID-19. Congress went on recess so as not to deal with the COVID-19 crisis, as they knew there was going to be too much pork included in any legislation they would attempt to pass. This could be interpreted as meaning they were outsmarted by Donald Trump, and only one such victory will embolden his supporters to believe there will be many more, which they will interpret as victories for them. Trump’s base of support has closed ranks even more over his monument policy, which makes it a crime to tear down historic monuments. One cannot trash history just because times have changed. I may not like your monument, but let’s talk about it. When the first Democratic debates were held Joe Biden was not most people’s first choice, but I wondered if he had the best chance, since he was old and white and had been VP under Obama. This claim to fame would help him gain the black vote en masse, or so he thought. But this has become a moot issue since Biden scolded black leaders, claiming they would not be black if they voted for Trump. That did not go over well with a voter group which as a whole finds Trump a lowlife, but does not expect to be lectured by a senile “old honky”.Blacks also realised long ago that if they have an equally strong voice within both parties they are more likely to be heard, not taken for granted by the one they support and then ignored, because electorally not worth the effort, by the other. If Biden doesn’t get that, how many other voter groups will he risk alienating between now and November? Biden is the sort of Democrat blacks once deserted his party for being full of – a scion of white privilege, darling of War on Crime (meaning war on blacks, as is Harris), closet racist and blind servant of Wall Street and the Military-Industrial Complex. Maybe this is the real reason he is supposedly polling ahead of Trump in key Electoral College States, even Ohio. However, those with not-so-short memories will remember that the last round of polls before the 2016 election gave Hillary Clinton a commanding lead, and the DNC and mainstream media were so confident of her success they had already printed up the front pages of the newspapers announcing her victory. What makes the pollsters so confident that they will not be even more wrong this time? Trump bashing Biden’s policies and the Democratic National Committee’s platform may soon take all the wind out of Biden’s sails, precisely because it is so easy to bash Trump that it has less effect on the voters. Trump’s policy of America First is also proving consistent, and this is the one campaign promise few people expected him to keep. This does put Trump in the small category of politicians who actually keep their promises, however ironic that is. The return of no point As for the election, only God knows what will happen.It is perfectly possible that the Deep State controls the voting machines by now and the mail-in ballots too!Democrats in Florida are still protesting about the voting machines used there when George W. Bush beat Al Gore by a tiny margin. As James Baker pointed out at the time, they tested the machines before the election and had no complaints. So either there was nothing wrong with the machines, or the count was distorted by those machines. I know which one my money is on. What people are not willing to wake up and accept is that America needs another system, not the two party system, aswhich now supposedly exists. It is an illusion that Republican and Democrat are the only choices, when members of these two parties stay in Congress for decades and little if anything changes. In 1905 Mark Twain wrote his War Prayer, a short story or prose poem described as “a scathing indictment of war, particularly of blind patriotic and religious fervour as motivations for war.” In the days of the Vietnam War, when both war and politics had meaning, this was seen as sarcasm. Now it is a commentary on what the US political system has become, because people are incapable of engaging with real issues because they do not wish to know the truth about their country.

[dysphoric-affect]

The Unrecognized Potential Of Voice Recognition In Games

          Imagine, for a moment, you are playing an RPG - perhaps the next Elder Scrolls, for example - and you go into a weapons shop. Inside, you approach the shopkeeper. The usual prompt to press “A” or “X” to interact pops up on the screen...but there’s another way. Your headset is on, microphone at the ready, and instead you say “Hello.” The game recognizes you are targeting that NPC and recognizes the word you said as an expression of greeting. “Hey there. Welcome to the Broken Shield, home of the finest weapons in the city. What can I interest you in?” You are interested in getting a new weapon, but, as is often the case with characters in RPG’s, there is a specific focus to your character’s playstyle: in this case, let’s say they only use axes. “Show me your axes,” you speak into the mic. The game recognizes you are wanting to buy from saying “show me,” then recognizes “axes” as a specific search interest, such that you are taken to a screen showing the shops available wares to buy, but pre-filtered to only show you the axes they have in stock, eliminating the visual clutter of searching through every other item they have. You spot an “Axe of the Tempest” which does some solid lightning damage with every hit. You have enough coin and decide to buy it, so you tell the shopkeeper “I’ll take the Axe of the Tempest.” “Take” is recognized as meaning you want to purchase something, and “Axe of the Tempest” clarifies the object of interest. With the game understanding this, the screen clears to a confirmation screen with just the Axe of the Tempest displayed and to the sound of jingling coin as you pay the shopkeeper replies, “Alright, here you are. Spill some worthy blood with it, eh?”

          Intrigued yet?

          Voice recognition to me has the greatest untapped potential of all the existing forms of immersion tech, yet confusingly has been largely disregarded in favor of motion controls and virtual reality. If you find my supporting immersion tech like this seemingly contradictory after my last article, allow me to clarify here: I do support the development of immersion tech and their implementation, I only caution developers and gamers against unrealistic expectations of what they can accomplish and in the case of developers specifically, ask that they show restraint in spite of whatever hype surrounds a technology and implement it intelligently.

          As long as expectations are grounded and immersion tech is integrated intelligently where it can truly enhance the experience, however, I strongly support development in immersion tech. There is one addendum I should add to that, though, which is I also feel too much stock has been put into motion controls and virtual reality at the expense of ignoring voice recognition, which has more to recommend it as an area for focus when it comes to immersion tech in gaming. That is the point I’m here to make today.

          There are three different costs imposed on gamers when it comes to any form of immersion tech which create barriers to such forms of immersion being embraced. The first is the “acquisition cost.” This is the literal cost to buy whatever hardware it is necessary to have in order to be able to use the tech in the first place. The second is the “effort cost.” This is the sacrifice that is imposed on the gamer in the process of using the tech, from the energy needed to use it, to the limitations on what they can do while using it. The last cost is the “training cost.” This is the time that has to be spent using the tech before using it becomes second nature, at which point the first two costs become more justified in the minds of players. In each of these, voice recognition is in a superior position to motion controls and VR.

          The acquisition cost for voice recognition is the cost of a gaming headset, or a more basic set of headphones that has a built in mic. While there are more expensive gaming headsets one can get, that is just an option among many more cost-effective ones. This is a sharp contrast to motion controls and VR - the latter especially - where the hardware cost is in the hundreds and for a singular option. Notably, headsets and headphones are typically hardware agnostic as well, so a set acquired could be used across all the various gaming consoles, giving them a more diverse utility that makes their cost of acquisition a better deal. Further, while headsets may be used for voice recognition, this isn’t the only or even the primary function they stand to be useful for, as they are an indispensable tool for voice communication between gaming friends and for coordination while engaged in online multiplayer gaming. This connects directly to the last and most significant point: cost is relative, because many gamers already possess the hardware anyway. That means for a gamer considering playing a game using voice recognition, the perceived cost will often be that it is free, as they are simply repurposing something they already owned and used for something else in a different way; this is a stark contrast to the other forms of immersion tech for which you most certainly won’t have the hardware you need laying around, making for an unavoidable perceived cost to engage with them.

          While more open to debate than the other two types of cost, I believe the effort cost is most agreeable with voice recognition over the other forms of immersion tech. With motion controls, the demand for physical action from players to engage with it can be a turn-off for those who are looking to game after an exhaustive day and looking to physically relax; this isn’t purely speculative, as we’ve seen precisely that be born out in the past with the Wii and PlayStation Move and Kinect. Virtual reality presents a different kind of problem but a problem nonetheless: the sense of constraint. When engaged in VR, because of its fundamental nature you are visually locked in and unable to do anything else unless you disengage from the experience entirely. This is what makes it so dynamic, to be sure, though it does also present a level of necessary disconnection from everything else around them that players don’t always want to have.

          Voice recognition imposes no such constraint and the physical effort is merely using your voice, which isn’t perceived as demanding in the first place to the extent the other forms are. Some of this is the inherent amount of effort required in speaking, but part of the equation is familiarity those playing games have with the process involved. Most are used to using headsets in their online play already, as many are also now familiar with using smart devices that utilize voice recognition as well, whether as simple as using the speech recognition option of the Google app on their phone or something more comprehensive, such as an Amazon Echo; there is some cross-over between the two things already even, as Xbox has some capability for voice control built in with the Cortana digital assistant and more recently the addition of support for Amazon’s Alexa. Collectively, these facts mean there is a sense of ease of approachability to using this tech that creates a solid foundation of support to be able to build integration into gameplay mechanics off of and be confident they will be embraced, if designed properly.

          All that remains to consider is the training cost as it applies to voice recognition and we hardly need to consider it long, because as alluded to in examining both the acquisition and effort costs, the majority of gamers have both already adopted the hardware necessary and are well versed in using it, which even in the first instance is never a very difficult thing to learn to make use of. With that being the case, there is no training cost at all for most, but in what few cases there are those interested in using such tech in gaming who don’t already make use of a headset, the training cost that they stand to face is so minimal as to be an irrelevant factor in speculation on the adoption rate of games which were to make use of voice recognition.

          What I’ve presented should make it evident, if it wasn’t self-evident enough already, that the costs of voice recognition as an immersion tech are low where they can be said to exist at all, and therefore that there is strong reason to consider focusing on integrating this kind of immersion tech into our gaming experiences more as far as consideration for how likely it would be to be supported is concerned.

          What I’ve addressed thus far only addresses the question of whether the tech can be justifiably supported for development. The question remains, I grant, “What can we do with it in gaming?” I’ve given an example at the beginning, but let’s take a deeper look at the potential now.

          As I see it, there are three different levels of sophistication voice recognition in gaming stands to achieve. The first would be what I call the scripted level. At this tier, player interaction would consist of reciting predetermined words, phrases and statements. For example, if multiple dialogue options were available, you could read off the one you wished to say and the game would register it; the option would still remain to press a button to select a highlighted option traditionally, though. This would further the feeling of roleplaying as the player character, with players being free to “act out” the delivery of the lines as they read them, though that wouldn’t be necessary and wouldn’t affect the nature of responses given by the NPC’s spoken to. Options like mentioned in the example at the start would be possible at this level, though in more simplified form than that. For instance, saying “filter” while shopping would trigger the filter option among the items, then saying a category to filter for among the limited pool of potential options in the game would narrow it down further still. Though this level could greatly increase a sense of immersion and ease of access to game features, it is also conceptually the most limited.

          Next, there would be the dynamic level. At this level, there would be a large pool of keywords in the game’s voice recognition library and it would be able to pick these specific words out of any larger statements the player made to understand their intent and respond appropriately. Words of greeting would be known to be used to start dialogue, names of specific characters, places and items would be understood to initiate quest-associated dialogue and in bartering scenarios, words expressing intent to buy or sell would engage the appropriate transaction type and further descriptions would quickly engage transacting on the appropriate specific items. They key concept to understand with this level is that players would be free to improvise their own lines of dialogue. This level is the kind referenced in the beginning example.

          In the case of quest-associated dialogue, which isn’t discussed in that example, let’s suppose you are given a quest by an NPC to kill a troll outside the city for a sum of gold and are told you can meet with their friend, an elf named Tolund, before doing so and he’ll aid you in the task. At this point there are many questions you could ask. The critical aspect here is that the game is only going to focus on key words and phrases, not everything you say, so you’re free to express yourself how you like in terms of the specific wording. So if you are wanting an exact location of Tolund or the troll, it will look for “where” being in your question, then look for one of those two subjects being said. If you say “where and “troll” in whatever statement you make, it will understand the player is wanting an exact location of the troll, and the NPC will respond appropriately in conversation as well as give you a quest marker on your map; similar results will occur if you named Tolund. If you want to know what the reward will be exactly, saying “how much” along with another word like ”gold” or “worth” will confer your intention to the game, and the NPC will respond by giving you an exact answer.

          Let’s say you then go and meet Tolund. He’ll otherwise treat you as a regular passerby, but if you mention the quest-giver’s specific name, the game will recognize you are wanting to trigger the quest-associated behavior from him and he’ll greet you accordingly, which will trigger new dialogue options with him and will trigger his following behavior in turn when you conclude the conversation with him. The possibilities beyond this are many, but would all use the same basic key terms framework to understand player intent. This is where the potential of the tech becomes much more fully realized and very immersive, as it takes away constraints on dialogue performance and allows players to speak more naturally.

          There would remain one limitation in the dynamic system, however: word choice would be recognized, but tone would not. This is where the emotive level would be different. At this level, not only would key terms be understood to trigger responses organically, how you spoke to someone would matter. This would coincide undoubtedly with a greater pool of words that would be recognized, including derogatory terms and names or terms of endearment. The simplest example of where this would make a difference would be in expression of sarcasm. Anything said sarcastically would be misunderstood if interpreted only based on the words in the statement. For example, if you told a guard “Thanks for everything you do” and only the words were understood, he’d have a positive reaction every time. In a dynamic system, it’s the only kind of response he would know how to have. In an emotive system, though, the intonation of the statement would be interpreted as well. If spoken sincerely, there you’d get the aforementioned positive reaction, maybe a “Thanks, hero” if your deeds were well known. If the game understood you meant the statement sarcastically, however, the guard would react negatively, maybe saying something like “The people may love you, but that doesn’t mean I do. I’ve got my eye on you.”

          Volume of tone is something else that would be interpreted and accounted for in this highest level system. If you were moving through a market and called “out of the way” normally, the first person in front of you might respond, but if you shouted it urgently or aggressively a whole swatch of people in front of you would turn to take notice and then part way for you. In a scenario dealing with an enemy encampment of some kind, you could lie in wait past the perimeter tree-line and call out to get a patrol’s curiosity up and lead him away to your position where you could take him out secretly. Or, if out wandering and not looking to have any surprises attack you without their approach being noticed, you could call out and instigate anything in the area to come attack. The possibilities for more realistic NPC interactions and new organic sound-based gameplay elements are only as limited as developers’ imaginations. Combined with the existing and improved upon elements of a dynamic system, these elements stand to collectively deepen immersion in a truly profound way well worth the effort to develop and support such systems.

          It should be noted, for the record, that though I only mention RPG’s as the backdrop for imagining the execution of these concepts, they certainly aren’t only applicable there; I mention that genre just because that’s where the greatest variety and depth achievable with such systems is possible in my estimation. There is great potential elsewhere, however. Imagine playing a future God of War, for those familiar with the latest entry in that series, and being able to issue a command to your son yourself, capped with your own grisly enunciation of “...BOY” and seeing that command be followed, furthering the sense of being Kratos. Any game with a strong component of interaction, whether with an ally in combat gameplay or NPC’s in “society” gameplay could benefit from its inclusion. It’s also not difficult to see the potential for stealth games with this, particularly where the volume of voice element is concerned. That alone could provide entirely new ways of approaching encounters that wouldn’t exist otherwise, or even in cases where they could, making them feel far more engaging and intense.

          With everything I’ve mentioned considered, I think the merits are readily apparent to why voice recognition is a form of immersion tech that deserves further development. What I’ve mentioned as examples above scarcely scratch the surface of what is surely possible if explored deeper. I say it’s time we start digging.

[beinformedlivetransformed-blog]

How it got growing

I was originally going to call this post "How it got started" but the truth is, I started thinking about my necessary responsibility towards the world/creation after watching a film on Netflix: Okja. (Although, sadly, it really should have started when I came to understand for the first time that there is a designer behind the world, God, the Creator, and I am made in His image for a purpose - more on that later though.) Yes, it is fictional, and even fantastical, but the film drew its inspiration and data from real life practices. The film asks a serious question: can we justify animal welfare practices as 'ethical' just because they leave a small ecological footprint? Anyway, long story short, I decided to cut out meat from my diet. You can read my summarised version of when I first needed to think through my response here. As an evangelical Christian, perhaps in my naivety, I was somewhat surprised by the response of some evangelical Christians around me. I was judged as being theologically 'weak' (I even had a friend open the Bible with me to 1 Corinthians 8 and explain to me that it doesn't matter how our meat is killed or where it comes from...to which I responded, as gently as I could, that the same writer writes what he does in Romans 14...and also the/my issue was not with eating meat but with the welfare of animals in the meat industry, which involves completely different theological considerations, namely understanding God as the Creator) or, I was judged as being "one of those vegans" (a very sad stereotyping of individuals into a singular political movement). At first, I felt anger and disbelief: how can you not feel that this is wrong? How can you think it’s fine? I wanted to convince people to do what I do. But God was nudging my conscience: I needed to make sure I didn't let pride dictate how I responded to these brothers and sisters of mine. It was not right to tell them to live exactly like me (God made us each individually unique so we would express Him as His children in different ways, according to how He has made us and where He has placed us), or think that they were less than me because they didn't feel and think as I did - as if I know the best way to live. After all, I am also waiting for God (I am not the Saviour) to restore everything and make it as He intended. I am living in light of that hope, even as I mourn now (and increasingly, as I learn of more that is wrong with the world) at the brokenness of everyone to everyone and everything. But it did start my questioning and thinking: why don't evangelical Christians have a strong theology and clear ethic and lifestyle of creation care rising out of God as Creator? (Also to be discussed in a later post.) Why should it surprise evangelicals that a natural expression of that could be vegetarianism? It is almost like there isn't a place or framework for thinking about such a thing, let alone do such a thing. (I have since learned that this is not true, but this is what I felt at the time.) I am growing in conviction more and more that being a child of God is about living out/bearing His image in His world, bringing redemption on all levels, by His power. This is what I am redeemed for. This is what I am destined for. And this is why Jesus came. Yes, to bring me reconciliation with God (through his death on the cross - bringing justice from judgment, freedom from guilt and slavery to sin, honour from shame, freedom and power from fear and powerlessness) but this begins the process of reconciliation to self, others and the world. Mike Koheen drives home this point, and more, brilliantly:

If redemption is the restoration of the whole of creation, then our mission is to embody the good news: every part of creational life is being restored. The good news will be evident in our care for the environment...If redemption were merely about an otherworldly salvation then our mission would be reduced to the sort of evangelism that tries to get people into heaven. We would be forced to surrender most of God’s creation to the evil powers that claim it for their own... 

That was back in 2017. God has shown me many other ways since then of how creation care is an essential part of my growing discipleship, my growing to become what I am: child of God, redeemed image bearer.  It is intertwined deeply with loving God and loving neighbour in so many different ways. 

My minister recently gave me a book titled "Coming Home" (a thoughtful title!) by an Australian Christian and political economist who has practically lived out the things he discusses in personal and professional ways. It looks at, what the author considers, seven key areas of discipleship when it comes to ecology and economics, where the home is the central place for getting started and growing*:

#hospitality: opening our homes

#workandleisure: Sabbath-centred living

#consumption: a right relationship to things

#sustainability: an earth care-full way of life

#giving: living with an open hand

#savingsandinvestment: the building up of one another

#debt: freedom to follow God

I cannot recommend this book to you enough. It is theologically sharp and deeply thoughtful, culturally relevant, and incredibly practical. In fact, each chapter is structured around these three questions: What’s the problem? What does the Bible say? What should we do? 

My husband and I read this book together and resolved to take up new habits in each of the areas every six months, ensuring we continue to grow in this area of discipleship in an everyday way, that is, in our home and lifestyle. We want to share our journey of growing in thinking about, understanding and appreciating God's creation and our cultural mandate towards creation care, and how we're practically doing it in our little corner of the world. It is by no means prescriptive! It is going to be an account of our honest and humble reflections and actions. We hope it encourages you and gives you food for thought and action in whatever way God might be bringing new convictions to you about what your discipleship looks like in light of the cross and looking forward to the full restoration of His world. We hope that you would be willing to share with us your thoughts along the way - iron sharpens iron.

*Author Jonathan Cornford says “home economics is central to the reconciling of economics and ecology that lies at the heart of humanity’s great challenge in the 21st century...I have come to the conclusion that reclaiming a Christ-centred practice of home economics is central to our own spiritual health and to our witness in the world. The Greek word for ‘house’, oikos, is the root word from which we get economics (oikonomia), ecology (oikologia) and ecumenical (oikumene). Economics describes the management and ordering of the work, consumption and finances of a household...Ecology describes our attempts to understand the great household of nature and, in particular, to understand the interdependent relationships that support the functioning of that household. We have tended to think of economics and ecology as two separate spheres, when in fact the human economy exists entirely within the great household of nature and still depends entirely upon it, even if modern urban life gives us the illusion that we are somehow independent of nature. Ecumenism describes the movement towards unity within the household of God, usually referred to as ‘the church’. It is based on the recognition that belonging to Christ draws us so deeply into relationship with others that we are members of a single body. Generally, this last ‘household’, the church, is seen as having little to do with the other two. Moreover, in practice, the church even tends to have little to do with the ways in which its members run their homes. However, if we accept, as the Apostle Paul tells us, that faith in Christ requires presenting our ‘bodies as living sacrifices’ - that is, conforming our day-to-day bodily and material existence to the way of Jesus - then we must understand our individual households as not only the base of our participation in economy and ecology, but also the core site in which we enact or deny our membership in the household of faith in the hundreds of choices we make every day. What’s more, if we understand the household of faith as merely the first-fruits of the great reconciliation that God intends for the whole created order, but is yet to be accomplished, then a fuller understanding of the household of God should expand to encompass the whole household of nature, the human economy that exists within that and our own individual households within that.”

[avergavi]

LOVE #LUNESDELUNATICAS

Love.

Love continually evolves and is always changing, is a dynamic thing, especially couples love. 

Family love, social love, work love, love, in general, is that thing we really like to feel, but basically is that thing that motivated us to keep doing the things we do.

Few of us are the privileged ones, that we can find love in life, I mean, everyone works, study, live and makes certain efforts for a basic necessity or survival, but we just don’t start loving what we do, we just simply do it because we must do it.

We do it in the automatic mode without paying attention to our privileges, without giving the value to our comfort or easy access, from small things like breading or walk, those things we take them for grounded, we don’t think or imagine even a parallel reality where we don’t have those small things in our life.

There are few of us that we manage to developed conscience and find that joy and eventually that love in what we do.

We all start by doing a minimum effort in what we must do, like dress up, eat, work, study. Then the necessity evolves to comfort, in this point, we don’t mind that from time to time we feel a little discomfort (long hours of transportation, bad lunch schedule, ‘normal’ harassment etc)  then we feel joy in what we do, that small feeling of tranquility even when we are in a discomfort part (extra hours, an argument, a gossip, etc)  then, there are only few that manage to eventually find love, that awareness of valance in what we do.

Awareness of your “efforts”, makes you feel good with you and with others around you, harmony around your daily-life a sense of happiness. 

There always discomfort moments that might make you rethink but end up deciding, not to stop, you to keep doing it, complaints are overcome by acceptance, injustice is overcome by actually find and apply that solution, the surviving pass into the thriving, that point is when you find individual love in life.

If you have achieved that feeling, means that probably family is also sorted out, (acceptable -no perfect idealistic- relation with mom, dad, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, cousins) almost work-love helps to finds balance and happiness in other aspects of our individual life (in this point is where humanitarian feelings start to grow) and is beautiful. 

For couples-love is almost inevitable that women face more difficulties in to find that love, evolving, acceptance, kindness that type love we all deserve.

The societal and cultural establishment even in 2019 still impose and picture “standard” of what is “romantic love” between the couple regardless of gender (general public still thinks that is nothing wrong to ask you about your loved ones, or ask you if are single, divorced or have a relationship. personal details are only ok, when you delivered them by your self without being forced to share it) a lot of general population believes that 14 of February is a special romantic day, that we are obligated to spend it in a couple. 

Tons of feminist movement (there are hundreds+ types o feminism or gender studies lines of research) have empowered us to not follow a stereotypical romantic kind of love, but still, we face tons of challenge trying to evolve and grow in a couple relationship.

With this I mean, yes we know arguments and disagreement are part of our human interaction, everyone has bad days or months or years, we are all have individuals efforts and in different circumstances, that we try to solve them in the most logical or rational way possible, by different ways of communication channels (still, we are the most, those who face trouble in keeping our mouth shut and listen more) but in the best circumstances, the growing up type, we developed humility and acceptance to the other person arguments, we developed understanding and set our limits.

Setting limits is never easy, cause that implies, a recognition of mutual feeling but different goals, that after mutual understanding realize that are never going to be compatible and then the letting-go part must be involved with acceptance, in that part is where we must set limits and those limits have a “never cross” warning on it.

Violence is defined by the World Health Organization as “the intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person (...) that results in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment or deprivation” (WHO, 2002, p5 ) three parts are really important for me, the intentionality is going to be explained later, but the psychological harm and maldevelopment are the most important.

In the same report the WHO, recognize that “certain behaviors may be regarded by some people as an acceptable cultural practice, but are consider violent acts cause also have implications for the individual health” (WHO, 2002) here factors as culture or social background play a major role when victims (especially women) who are inside the relation are not having a clear understanding of what psychological violence and they are not having clear limits, that only helps to blurry the real aggressor behavior.

Justifying, exempting and accepting circumstances are only the first part to move out a violence circle, interpersonal violence ( intimate partner violence) can be also psychological, again the WHO understand the root of violence from an ecological model, divide by individual, relationship, community and societal, they take into account the following

Individual - behavior according to biological info, demographic, impulsivity, education, substance abuse and prior history of aggression.

Relationship - proximal social relations. 

Community - contexts in which social relationships are embedded, residential mobility, heterogeneity, population density, and geographical context.

Societal - factors that create an acceptable climate for violence, those that create gaps between groups. (norms that support violence, attitudes, health education, social inequality)  - (WHO, 2002, p 13)

In the relationship part, the inform mention that “in the cases of partner violence, interacting on an almost daily basis or sharing a common domicile with an abuser may increase the opportunity for violent encounters. Because individuals are bound together in a continuing relationship, the victim will repeatedly be abused by the offender” (WHO, 2002) here is why is really important to set limits by our self. 

Been aware of a certain situation and understanding the causes of violence might lead us to justify, exempt or accept violent behavior, especially from our partner, therefore from a public health model, a tertiary prevention model of violence are us, we are the one who set clear limits.

To criminal law, violence is related to a crime and in most of the “simple” cases implies an offender and a victim, the offender is pointed out to have committed a type of conduct that is punishable by law.

Then by the term justifying circumstance means, that the offender did commit an act against the law, but his context and motive made him/her react at “self-defense, defense of relatives, defense of stranger, state of necessity, fulfillment of duty and obedience to superior order” (Gregorio, 2012, p2) in general this type of causes lead the offender to less hard punishment. 

The term exempting circumstances implies “imbecility, insanity, minority, accident, the compulsion of irresistible force, impulse of an uncontrollable fear of an equal or great injury, lawful or insuperable cause” (Gregorio, 2012, p33) these cases also means less hard punishment, of course, the evidence of both require specific characteristics and circumstances that the jury and the judge will determine if it’s true or not.

The term acceptance means consenting to receive or undertake the action. these means that we fully know and we are aware of the causes, we know and recognizes the mistreatment but we still accepted. 

Then there is the question. let's picture a typical situation where two persons what to be together in a romantic-couple way, they are both grown-ups, they are both professional with a certain level of education and similar economic backgrounds.

Then one hurt the other, the one that is being offended and even is aware that it’s being hurt, keep contact, then eventually the one that commits the offense asked for an apology and a second chance, the 'victim' agree and try to forgive, then the other hurting situation happens again, committed from the similar way.

The offended argue that even she/he understand the motives and the facts of the hurting situation, is just a growing stage for them because they are trying to reconcile their difference and no there is nothing to be justified is just a different type of love.

Here is an example where the victim doesn’t set limits and the causes of that are because according to sociology slippery concepts of low self-esteem, Stockholm syndrome, codependency or traumatic bonding, learned helplessness (Krupka Zoe, 2016)

But then again we are blaming the victim, without recognizing the aggressor violent behavior or the Ecological-structural model that the WHO uses to analyze violence. 

And the point of this is, that we the “victims” should use this type of information to make the point to our aggressor, use this as evidence to analyze yourself, question if we are actually setting limits? we are blurring his/her behavior or we are again, repeating physiological patrons.

Para: Ti

[tudorscharlot]

Suspiria (Luca Guadagnino, 2018)

SPOILER ALERT: THIS TEXT IS COMPLETELY FULL OF SPOILERS I saw Suspiria in the theater for the third time yesterday and I have so many thoughts about this fascinating, layered, amazing masterpiece of a film. I woke up wordy today, so I'm just gonna write about Suspiria until I drop!

By emphasizing so strongly the larger-world contexts of Germany during World War II and the present-day political unrest of 1977 in his Suspiria, Luca Guadagnino effectively morally neutralizes the concept of witches. While in Argento's Suspiria the witches are presented as primarily evil or at least very dark and sinister and without context in their motives, the witches in Guadagnino's Suspiria are far more nuanced and have been placed into the real world. Witches in this Suspiria are not inherently good or bad. They are just individual people who each have their own motives and their own relationship with power within the frame of their group.

That the Markos Dance company was a bastion for women against the evils and indignities of the Third Reich during WWII and that its matrons remain keenly aware of the importance of women having financial independence in the present day is an effective way of showing that these women and their organization are at a basic, fundamental level fully on the side of women in the face of societal oppression. And not just in spirit or theory, but in very pragmatic, concrete terms.

The idea of a witch is super-pragmatic. What is a witch? A witch is a woman who's been pushed to the margins by a patriarchal society and is forced to find her own way to stay alive, safe, and thriving. She must be pragmatic, because she's got no mainstream/institutional support and in fact is often operating in direct opposition to social norms. There's no room for idealism in such a situation. It's clear that the function and spirit of the dance academy is to empower and protect its women in the face of serious danger and in the most immediate, efficient way. The conflict that has arisen at the time of this film is in regards to just how they should act in order to preserve their organization and maintain their purpose moving forward.

So why are Markos and her followers willing to torture and sacrifice the girls that they are supposed to be protecting?

One of my favorite things that Bob Dylan ever said is "To live outside the law, you must be honest". And I think that basically a good witch is a woman living outside the law honestly. Helena Marko has been corrupted by power and greed and she is not honest. She and her followers have lost sight of their higher purpose and values and have become willing to sacrifice the girls in order to prolong her life and her power. It's heartbreaking that Patricia, Olga, and Sara all suffer and choose to die. And it's because of the kind of pragmatism that corrupt power uses to justify inhumanity. It is a cost that those in power are willing to have others pay in order to remain in power. It's vanity!

I think it's very groovy that the Markos Dance Company - which is using questionable means with questionable motives to achieve idealized goals - is set in parallel to the Baader-Meinhof Gang - which is also using questionable means with questionable motives to achieve an idealized goal. The Baader-Meinhof Gang are considered a left-wing terrorist group. I say FUCK THAT! It doesn't matter which "wing" you're on in theory - if you are using terrorist, totalitarian, authoritarian, or otherwise murderous-asshole means to achieve your political goals, you can no longer claim to be progressive or anywhere near the liberal end of the spectrum. Terrorism is right-wing action, period. Similarly, if you're murdering some of the girls you're dedicated to protecting in order to keep being able to protect them, you're no longer in the business of protecting girls. Your purpose has become a fiction. Helena Markos is an incredible, grotesque manifestation of greed.

Susie Bannion, on the other wing, is honest and good. Throughout her life and the film, she follows her instincts and goes where she feels she belongs. She is open, unafraid, and not driven by ego or a desire for control. And in the end, she becomes a conduit for justice and mercy. 

Madame Blanc is honest and, like Susie, willing to accept that there are things happening that are larger than her personal desires or will. She just wants things to be right and pure. It is troubling to me that she goes along with the cruel treatment of the girls that were being groomed before Susie arrived. But it is consistent with her recognition that the will of the collective (the will of the people) is greater than that of one individual. It's a democratic notion (which is idealistic and not pragmatic) that a democracy must be maintained even when it goes in a bad direction if there is hope that it can be steered back in a good direction. It's why you let Donald Trump be president instead of locking him in a hole somewhere and keeping Barack Obama in the White House until you figure out a sane way to move forward. 

So that's a bunch of political stuff about Suspiria. But what about the heart of the film?

The chemistry between Blanc and Susie gives me goosebumps. I don't know if it is me projecting my own worldview on the film, but I believe there is romantic love between them. Maybe there isn't. Their love might be that which is between powerful friends or people who are essential parts of something bigger than themselves. It might be the undifferentiated rush of emotion that happens when you meet someone you really connect with and haven't figured out what exactly the nature of the connection is. But that spark feels too hot to be something other than romantic love. The way they look at each other, the way they talk to each other, it's serious shit. Susie disarms Blanc on multiple occasions, and Blanc is clearly a woman who isn't ever disarmed. I am transported by the look on her face when she comes into the mirror room and sees Susie dancing the first time, when she says "it's difficult not to be curious about you," when she's about to caress the back of Susie's head and catches herself and makes the motion without actually touching her. These are some of the most romantic scenes I've ever seen in any movie. When Blanc comes into Susie's room after the Volk performance, the way they talk to each other, and when Susie says "because you love me," just...holy shit. And when they are staring at each other from opposite ends of the table in the restaurant while everyone else is talking and singing...swoon. That scene, to me, is the climactic moment of the film.

I don't think this IS a love story anymore than I think it IS a horror film, but the beautifully non-verbal portrayal here of two people who feel an all-consuming attraction to one another is the stuff of the absolute greatest human art. 

And my gosh is this a non-verbal film! There is an incredible amounts of information and emotion conveyed so deeply by the eyes and faces of its entirely brilliant cast. I know it is a hallmark of horror/supernatural films to have characters who communicate telepathically and who are able to perceive things happening elsewhere or in the future. But this is something else entirely. Every time two of these women are looking at each other and not saying anything, every time someone's mind is clearly perceiving something somewhere else, it's just exquisite and electrifying.

Susie says she wants to be the hands of the dance company. What are the hands? Hands are what the heart and mind use to touch and move things in the world. Hands are laid on people to heal them. Hands make tools and cast spells and make real that which the mind conceives. They are a bridge between the spirit world and the physical world. It is good to be good with your hands.

After three viewings, I still don't know why the scene in the ritual room after Death arrives is filmed in that jumpy, fuzzy way. I didn't like it the first time I saw it, but it doesn't bother me anymore. And whatever is happening and whyever it's happening, I love that this movie becomes deep red here for a few minutes. Like Susie says, it's beautiful.

I also still don't know why the last thing we see before the credits roll is a zoom (so much like the last zoom in The Shining) up to Anke and Josef's initials carved into the wall. Even though I love it! And I still don't know what Susie is doing in the post-credits scene. I'd love to think that we are watching her use her hands to heal Blanc's injured neck, but her face doesn't quite look like that's what she's doing. Maybe it will become more clear when I see it again. 

This is, without a doubt and without any other beloved film coming anywhere near it, my favorite film of 2018.