#I didn't publish the ask because I'm not reading that essay or putting it on the already over poll blog

[canon-asexual-poll]

@.anon Hey, I explicitly banned submissions from that one hell show for a reason. This isn’t a headcanon submission blog anyways. Shoo.

Edit: I'm just gonna turn off the askbox now. If there's another round it can come back on.

[gollancz]

Why I'm Not Allowed On Twitter Unsupervised Any More: A Photo Essay

Key Notes:

Since this was posted I discovered that the books had briefly been available in the UK under the name Peter Beagle rather than Peter S. Beagle in the mid-90s, which is why they didn't show up on the British Library search

The article by Tor.com @torbooks: Peter S. Beagle Has Finally Regained the Rights to His Body of Work

If you want our gorgeous limited edition, I believe there are still a handful left (except for the US and Canada, sorry lads), and you can get it here. I'm not kidding when I say I got a little teary-eyed when these showed up.

[Image Description: A tweet thread from the Gollancz twitter dated 20th July 2022, which goes as follows -

Tweet 1: You may have seen that we're printing a Brand New Edition of The Last Unicorn. We're very excited! I was asked to tweet about it. I wasn't asked to do it quite like this, but I also wasn't asked NOT to do it like this, and I have the twitter login so whose fault is that? (Thread emoji, and gif from the film Scream reading 'The Call is coming from inside the house!')

Tweet 2: Imagine, if you will, you are a small child in the UK during the late 80s/early 90s. You might look a bit like this, or you might have had parents who didn't choose suffering (ask my mum about The Saga of the Hat) (an image of a small girl approximately 3 years old wearing a blue dress and a big white hat)

Tweet 3: Imagine you have a cool older cousin, one who, as you get age, introduces you to fantasy films like Ladyhawk and The Princess Bride and has a post the whole family knows as 'the vampire and the naked lady'. She's extremely responsible for the way you turn out as an adult.

Tweet 4: One year, for your birthday, this cousin buys you a video. It's the first video that is yours, not to share. It has a bright yellow cover. The butterfly scares you. But you watch it on a loop. You don't realise how special it is, but it's a seed that burrows into your brain. (An image of a VHS of The Last Unicorn)

Tweet 5: A decade or so later, in your teens, you rediscover it. None of your friends have heard of it, despite also being fantasy-inclined. That's odd, you think. Is this an outlandishly weird title? Then you get older and you realise: no, it isn't. (Principal Skinner meme reading 'Am I out of touch? No, it's the people who don't know about The Last Unicorn who are wrong')

Tweet 6: Time and tech march on, you get a DVD of the film. You realise it's got Christopher Lee in it! And Angela Lansbury! Your mum tries to get you to listen to songs by America other than the soundtrack, but the only one that really sticks is the other one they did about a horse. (Gif of Walter White from Breaking Bad singing along to Horse With No Name)

Tweet 7: You realise that the film is based on a book. Like The Princess Bride, which you've also read (after spending longer than you're proud of trying to find an unabridged edition). 'Neat,' you think, 'I'll have to read that!'

Tweet 8: And then you can't find it. Because, as mentioned previously, you're in the UK. The Last Unicorn was published for the first time in 1968. But, if you look at the British Library's National Bibliography (super neat resource btw), that was, uh, about it. (screenshot of the search results from the National Bibliography showing four editions of The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle, one from Gollancz in 2022, one from IDW in 2019, one from Tachyon Publications in 2018, and one from Bodley Head in 1968)

Tweet 9: The Tachyon edition is the unfinished first draft of the story. The IDW edition is a gorgeous graphic novel. But in terms of the novel? I don't know how many reprints it had (if anyone knows, I'd love to find out), but there's a good chance it went out of print in the 70s.

Tweet 10: The film, however, was released in 1982. Although it didn't make it to the UK until 1986. Conservative estimates could put that between 10 and 15 years since the book was last available in the UK. This gives you a generation in the UK who only know the story through the film! (A screenshot of the IMDB page showing the different release dates for The Last Unicorn around the world)

Tweet 11: The screenplay was written by Peter S. Beagle, and made by the legendary animation directors Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass. That's right, the guys behind Thundercats and 2 out of the 3 films based on The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.

Tweet 12: The Book has been in print in the USA (and possibly all of North America) constantly since its publication, so it seems baffling that people in the UK haven't heard of it. As the internet became more prominent, however, it became easier to just... import a copy of the book.

Tweet 13: But! This also isn't quite as simple as you think. You see, until last year the rights to The Last Unicorn were tied up in legal limbo. And the US edition of the book contained changes that Peter wasn't happy with. (Link to the Tor.com article about the rights)

Tweet 14: Back to you, the 80s/90s kid, who is now an adult, happy that unicorns are A Thing again and you're living your best life. You're very easy to buy presents for. Your partner despairs of unicorns. You get a job working in books about magic and space. (unicorn emoji and photograph of a collection of unicorn memorabilia, including three different versions of The Last Unicorn)

Tweet 15: You mention that one day you would like to publish The Last Unicorn. That if you did, you would like to do a really beautiful edition of it. And you would like it to be purple. Because since the film is what you know, you associate it with purple.

Tweet 16: And, after taking a very circuitous route, here we are! This is the original text, that was first published in 1968. Reading it after you have only seen the film is the strangest experience - like being introduced to a very dear friend that you have never met before.

Tweet 17: Peter's screenplay kept the voice of the story so well, you can hear the characters when you read the book. But now there's so much more depth, softness and warmth to it. The butterfly doesn't seem so scary any more. And, it's beautiful. And it's purple. (Image of a hardback edition of The Last Unicorn, with a black base, purple background, and a linocut image of the unicorn in her wood. On the black cover underneath is a foiled unicorn with the moon and butterfly, the page edges are sprayed purple, and the endpapers are black with silver butterflies)

Tweet 18: Anyway, I've taken you on a three day trip that could have been done in a single tweet, but that's what happens when you let me drive. This edition is the limited exclusive one only available through the Gollancz Emporium and you can preorder here: (link to Gollancz Emporium)

Tweet 19: But there is also a standard edition available through all booksellers! You'll be getting the author's preferred text, with an introduction from Patrick Rothfuss. There's also a brand new audiobook and it will be available in eBook for the first time ever.

Tweet 20: It's like going from famine to feast, and I wasn't able to talk about this for months so now I am able to talk about it, I'm going to make the social media team cry. UNICORNS. SPECIAL EDITION. PURPLE. The End.

Tweet 21: Additional behind the scenes bonus detail - I did take this cover to the art meaning while wearing a unicorn onesie.

Tweet 22: The comms team wrestling me away from the twitter account: (gif of Ross from Friends shouting 'Stop typing! Stop typing!')

End ID]

[meanbossart]

Another ask compilation!

There already is some! If you search up "orin the red" in my blog there's some art to be found of them together (after you scroll by all the essay length replies to asks I've gotten about her 🤦) and I definitely want to draw more of it in the future.

(This ask is referring to mine and @barbatusart comics, not my silly BG3 stuff, just in case anyone gets confused) ALAS, Sad Sack and Sortie seem to be what me and Nick have taken to calling part of the Unpublishable Triad: It's Gay, It's Violent, and it's too long. The point is that publishers don't want anything to do with it. We've actually gotten really close once, signed a contract and everything, but then the place gained some traction and decided they didn't want us in their repertoire anymore.

We've considered self-publishing again and again, but unfortunately we don't really have the financial means for something like that. We hope as we expand and entertain slightly less erm outrageous stories that we will come across some new opportunities.

(more asks below the cut)

AGREED, I don't think there's much of a way for me to both keep him in character AND keep her alive (since she has such a problem with Shadowheart) but if Shadowheart hadn't been mega racist I bet Lae'zel and DU drow would have had a lot of funny conflict (he would have relentlessly looked down on her blind faith) broken up with their mutual love for senseless violence. Probably at least 1 rage fuck in there before Astarion came peacocking in.

Thank you!

Not really, I don't really like dividing my attention with other things when I draw, not to mention that I do a lot of picking things up and putting them down again which doesn't seem very apt for art-streaming.

THANK YOU SO MUCH DUDE! I Nick is the sole writer behind the original series and of 95% of Sortie (I butt in there here and there because I'm also a huge Sal fan lol) so all the dope semiotics and symbolism are thanks to him and his big, beautiful brain. I'm beyond lucky to have found someone so talented to work with.

Thank you so much again for your patronage and support, I'm glad you have been enjoying the rest of our work!!!

THANK YOU!!! I draw a lot of inspiration from western comics, and I'm a big fan of the art of Sean Murphy and Jason Shawn Alexander. I was also reading JtHM and Hellsing in middle school which I'm sure caused some kind of irreversible damage to my psyche.

LOL, IT'S AN HONOR TO BE THE FREAK OF THE FANDOM, and it's a joy to hear that I've given you and your friends some good laughs. Thank you!

---

I have a ton of other sweet messages that I can't reply to individually without risking turning this into a LOOK-AT-ME fest, but as always thank you so much to everyone who decides to drop by with a nice word of encouragement, support, or just to let me know that they enjoy my characterizations, I very much appreciate it!

[betterbooktitles]

RIP Paul Auster. Here's a short piece about a time he came into my bookstore:

For a while, I've been hearing a lot of chatter about my first humor book How Not to Read: Harnessing the Power of a Literature-Free Life. No, I don't mean that I've been reading book reviews on Goodreads or the twisted rantings of my internet stalker. I've been hearing the hype (or underwhelmed sighs) about my book firsthand. I've been listening to customers from my semi-incognito perch behind the counter of an independent bookstore.

To all writers who want to know what people really think about their work, I can't recommend working as an incognito author-bookseller enough.

With a title like How Not to Read, I expected some vitriol from customers who misunderstood the concept. I thought 18 to 35-year-olds would especially love it but for a generation defined by its penchant for irony, we sure do know how to not take a joke. For the most part, people much younger than I am are the ones most offended. I hear little children with pained, screechy voices asking their mothers: "Why would someone write this?" to which the mothers reply "I don't know sweetie," as if informing the kids about death for the first time. Another favorite is hearing a sixteen-year-old say "who would do this?" over and over with the type of outrage reserved only for political candidates who claim Barack Obama wasn't born in the United States. The answer is "I would" but I keep it to myself. I want to see how far it goes. I keep waiting for someone to impulsively tear the book to shreds. That's how mad some people sound.

But most people who read a lot, get it. They come into the store, they laugh at the cover, the very concept of a guide to helping people read less is funny! It tickles them. They flip through the book and laugh and laugh and laugh, then put the book down and promptly leave the store without buying it.

"Wait!" I yell, "What didn't sell you on this book?" (I'm careful not to reveal who I am at these moments).

"Well," the person responds, "I'm just not in the mood to laugh right now." Not in the mood… to laugh? I wouldn't want to see this person at a restaurant: the waiter comes to the table and says "How were your appetizers?" and this person responds: "you know, food just isn't my thing…" I thought everyone was in the mood to laugh, but this was one of my many misconceptions about readers before working in a bookstore.

I've been working in this store for about a year, during which time I've spent countless hours talking about my own book, trying my hardest not to tell every person who enters the store that I wrote it lest I lose my ability to observe the impartial reaction of customers. Tip to published writers, though: if you can hand your own book to a customer and say "this is my book and you should buy it," people usually do. Most of the time they buy the book because they're excited to tell people they've met you, and sometimes they buy the book because you made it very awkward for them to leave the store without doing so. Keep eye-contact. Don't show fear. Always be closing.

Deciding when and when not to be the incognito author has many humbling benefits. Though the big lesson it teaches you most first-time authors are already know: the number one review of your book won't be a petulant rant. Your number one review will be silence. People will walk in, they'll read ten pages of your book, and without so much as an indecisive "hmm" they will disregard your book forever. As Oscar Wilde said: “There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” I'll take the petulant rant any day over nothing.

At the risk of this essay becoming like If on a winter’s night a traveler, the more I sell my book in secret, the more my real life mimics a Paul Auster-y meta-literary detective novel where I keep spying on people to figure out who will like the author (me) the most. It keeps getting weirder and weirder. People who have read the book now come in quoting a particular joke they didn’t like, then stand staring at me without laughing. I laugh uncomfortably to break the tension, but they refuse to crack a smile. Sometimes, I picture the future author version of me walking into the store while Current Dan is working as a bookseller. I see Future Me looking at the book nostalgically and saying “eh, this wasn’t my best!” then leaving me behind the counter alone to cope with what just happened.

The closest story I have to this Auster-esque fantasy is when the real-life Paul Auster came into the store the day of the book’s release. He leaned on the counter, aviators still on, and said: "How Not to Read, huh?" He was laughing! Laughing at the very idea of my book’s existence. Paul Auster gets it.

I took a sharp breath in. The owners of the store were so excited about my book that they gave me the entire front window for a day to promote the book. The same bright red cover in 8 by 8 rows and columns. I was suddenly embarrassed that I had published a book at all, and frightened that my literary hero might actually page through it in front of me. 

Then I remembered I had something to tell him.

“Paul!” I watched as he took off his sunglasses. I had his full attention. “I originally had a section in this book that parodied the New York Trilogy, and you yourself were in it," I said excitedly. Then, before I could stop myself, I saw the words pour out of my mouth while my brain screamed ‘DAN. Don’t!’ I let this out:

“The editor suggested we cut it because no one would get the reference."

I watched Paul grimace. He pushed himself off the counter and put his aviators back on. “And that's why you never listen to editors!" he announced before abruptly walking out the door.

If I have any advice for a writer, it is this: spend ten years as an editor for other people while you work on your own stuff. You’ll get used to looking at words on paper as malleable and in need of repair. Maybe after a decade of cold perusals through the work of a stranger, you'll be able to whittle down your own work into a readable form. After that, spend another decade selling your published books in person at an indie bookstore. Twenty years in, you won't take anything personally. You'll be so used to rejection and snide comments, you’ll be impervious to criticism.

My only other advice is if you meet your hero during any stage of your literary development, don’t tell him he was cut from your book because he isn’t famous enough.

Subscribe for more fun pieces about bookselling and the like!

[heavenisaplaceonearth-with-you]

mkay - upsetting story time and rant.

!! heavy tw for s*xual assault !!

this is just something that's been bothering me that i need to get off my chest -

so there's this one horrible human being of a teacher who taught me english for three years. he's six years older than me, he's like a baby teacher, never had a job before this one. in my freshman year he became obsessed with my writing to a degree where he was asking me to send him my work every day (and now four years later i find out that he published something i wrote under his name on his blog. ew. and i have no way to prove it, because i gave it to him on paper and i don't have any other drafts).

now this made me horribly uncomfortable first of all because my first love, dance, was taken away from me when i was 11 when i got assaulted by my dance teacher (horrible time). and i didn't want the same thing to happen to writing yk? so i was hoping to get rid of him at the end of freshman year but no. he was my teacher in sophomore year. then junior year. it's well known in my school that teachers pick which students are in their class and everyone noticed i was the only student he kept putting in his class.

senior year he got kicked out ("mutual agreement" my ass) and was moved to the lower school.

all three of those years were hell let me just say. he could never leave me be. he started making suggestive comments, using the word pleasure wayyy too often in the wrong context while we were talking (he'd stop me in the hallway or call me from the other end of the hallway to talk even tho i was obviously busy and trying to turn away and not have the conversation). he would always sit too close, touch me too randomly, close the door when we were in a room together, looking at my chest instead of into my eyes. and the feeling horrible was amplified to a million bc of my previous experience with the dance teacher. i won't go through all the details but when i came asking for extra credit (i badly fucking needed it my dad would have ended my life if i had an A-) he said i had to read lolita and write an essay about it for him. everyone else who asked for extra credit just had to make a presentation on globalization. what the fuck.

even this year he kept coming and seeing me and talking to me because my drama class was in the lower school building (bc the school has no arts budget) and all my friends would notice him standing weirdly in front of the drama class door (it's made of glass) and they'd all stand around me to block me from view (i love them). this moron - he literally had the audacity to come up to me and ask to see my prom dress. barf.

so then there was this project we had to do where a member of the faculty had to be our advisor. i asked my english teacher from this year who saved my life she's literally my mom to choose me because the faculty get to choose the students. so she went to do it and then she saw i'd already been taken EVEN THO THE FORM WAS SENT LITERALLY 30 MINUTES EARLIER. and guess who'd picked me? exactly. the fucking weirdo.

so this is a project that carries on to senior year so even when he was not even teaching high school i kept needing to go meet with him. it was a nightmare.

one time tho we had a group study thing in the library to work on the project and all the advisors were there, including K. so when horrible human being came and sat next to me and did his usual weird touchy thing, K came over IN A FURY and was like "hey nastya" in a soft voice (me: awkward wave) then he turned on mr. weirdo in his stern angry pissed voice and says "i need to speak with you."

he took him away and i watched them talking and K was moving his hands very aggressively and nearly shouting at the other guy. then mr. gross monkey comes back and sits across from me instead of next to me and asks me if i need anything else with the project and i say no and then he leaves the library.

K passed by after and asked if i was feeling ok and i said yeah i'm good. he asked me what my project was about and i told him and he was really into it so he told me to tell him if i needed help with the project, they didn't have to bring mr. weirdo back up.

so my point is there is a healthy kind of mutual relationship that you can have with a teacher based on care and love and trust, but there are also some certain gross people who have relationships with students based on some weird sexual obsession. i was telling the counselor this whole story (pretty sure i got gross monkey fired - the counselor was enraged) and i was saying how i felt bad because what if my behavior was leading him on because i didn't put my foot down and tell him to leave me alone. but she said look, you're a kid. it's never your fault. no one has the permission to touch you unless you give it to them.

and that's what i wanted to say to you guys because even if you were actively pursuing a teacher/dropping hints whatever and then that teacher acts on those actions when you're a minor...it's still not your fault. you weren't 'asking for it' in any way. you're a child, the adult should know better.

bottom bottom bottom line is love doesn't always entail sexual feelings and when it does it can't JUST be the sexual feelings. that's where i think i draw the line between healthy and unhealthy student-teacher relationships.

also being a girl is really fucking hard.

thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[jabbage]

What are the top 5 most middle class things that have ever happened to you?

Ooooooh good question... now I'm going to do the most British thing ever and preface it with a short essay providing half my life story, out of a sense of denial.

Both sides of my family are staunchly working class, as far back as I can find records. They were farm labourers and dock workers and hopped in and out of workhouses. My mum worked housekeeping and cleaning jobs, and my Dad managed to snag a white collar job in a factory out of school (because he's really clever).

But then two complications -

My Dad became a clergyman. This meant that we got to live in nice houses owned by the church he worked for, sometimes in quite affluent areas. We didn't have much money, but still.

2. I managed to get into Oxford University with a gazillion bursaries tied to my parent's low income. I then used the bursary money to fund doing a master's degree, and now I work in academia.

So, am I middle class? I'm begrudgingly realising that I might be? Except if I am I feel like middle class people shouldn't be constantly worrying that their now-retired parents can't afford to switch the heating on, or whether they'll ever live in their own home. And it's alienated me from my extended family, who have jumped to the conclusion that I think I'm better than them.

Anyway, the top 5 most middle class things that have ever happened to me.

One

Last year I got invited to an anniversary meal at my Oxford college, called a gaudy. I nearly didn't go because my time at uni was not very happy and I don't remember some of my contemporaries fondly, but then I figured that if I go, next time I read Dorthy L Sayers excellent book "Gaudy Night," I will have better brain-pictures. So, the setting, for your own brain-pictures:

Latin grace was sung before the meal, which comprised of salmon confit, followed by venison, followed by black forest gateau, followed by fruit and chocolates and port.

I was sat next to a nice middle aged man with an OBE. When he asked me "So, what do you do?" I decided not to say the job which *actually* pays my bills, but to reply with my evening job: that I make comics. I felt like this was a fun thing to say in a room full of people who Work In The City etc etc.

Except it turned out that he runs one of the UK's biggest comic arts festivals. He offered me free tickets. He offered to put me in touch with publishers. He offered to introduce me to significant people.

And I was like.... oh. Is this how it happens? Like, you're in an Oxford college and you just RUN INTO a posh bloke who Knows People and that's how you finally get a book deal???

Anyway I went to the festival. They had a panel on a yacht. And talked to people, or rather had people talk over me. So many times they'd ask me a question, and then interrupt before I'd given my answer. And I dislike schmoozing SO MUCH.

So uh, yeah, no book deal ;D YET

Two

One time I was wearing my college scarf while I was walking around Durham, and I ended up meeting a very cute elderly couple who went to the same college forty-five years earlier (well, the husband did, the wife wouldn't have been allowed.) They invited my to a dinner party at their house, which turned out to be a very cute little town-house by the river with five stories.

At the time I was doing my Master's degree, and they became kind of surrogate parents who I could call in on for a free hot meal and good conversation. But it was entirely sparked by "going to the same college at Oxford" which is very ew.

Three

Idk there was just this one time I was coming home on the train from having seen the Royal Shakespeare Company's latest production of Much Ado About Nothing and I stopped off somewhere to get sushi and I spent the whole time staring at a wall thinking "What have I become?"

Getting tickets to the ballet from a colleague slots into this catagory, I think.

Four

One time I was asked to open a village fete because the local lady of the manor couldn't make it.

Why me? Apparently "local clergyman's daughter" and "went to Oxford" and "draws silly pictures sometimes" was enough to make me a local celebrity.

I got to give a little speech and judge some cakes and everything.

Five

One time I got invited to a dinner party at CS Lewis' house, the Kilns, and I met his lovely secretary Walter Hooper. I remember being shown around and having a deep impulse to check the backs of all the wardrobes.

When I first went in it was through a door that led straight into his bedroom, and I was told that I could take my coat off and just toss it on the bed. No sooner had I done so than my guide mused, "CS Lewis died in that bed."

So I guess I own a coat that has been on the bed where CS Lewis died, is that middle class?!! Idk

[llycaons]

I’ll make this my last message since I don’t want you having to spend all day on another 15-paragraph essay because that’s just sad. I’d just like to state a point that apparently didn’t come across in my original message—one I didn’t think I *had* to state—which is that fanfiction *isn’t* published fiction. It’s amateur, free content on the internet and shouldn’t be held to the same critical standards and practices as critiquing trad pub fiction. That’s why it’s bad etiquette to, say, put fic on Goodreads, for example. Again, didn’t think I’d have to say that to someone who obviously spends so much time (so, *so* much time) reading fanfic, but here we are!

And just a note: if it’s ableist to say the word “weird” to you specifically and insinuate you, specifically, should go outside—which I *know* you do, I literally used to follow you lmao—then I sincerely apologize. That being said, I *know* you go outside, so I fail to see how that’s a broader shot at the housebound when… you are not. And I know that. And it’s shitty that you’d turn around and banter with your mutual who’s calling me a cunt. That’s fair game somehow, but “weird” is too far? Ok lol. Guess your pearl-clutching over what’s problematic only goes one way. Good to know 👍 Will hard block then! Cheers

it's a good thing that this is their last message but since they're hard-blocking it feels like a waste to even answer this one. I don't even have any other arguments since I was so thorough and said everything I wanted and ig they have no actual rebuttals so I'm taking this win. 'don't want me to spend all day writing 15 paragraphs' yeah right, they just don't want their argument to be DEMOLISHED again lmao and I don't think it's sad, I like covering all my bases. man I smoked that one. and I didn't spend all day on it, it took like half an hour? I was at work all day man lmao. and now I'm being held responsible for things other ppl have said? I mean I stand with my mutuals, but I literally never said that stuff in the actual reply

like I never said fanfic was just like real books, I just said you need to be held responsible for what media you create? did anon even READ my carefully crafted responses? friends. I am bereft. they're asking like this was an obvious oversight on my part but it's just inane to act like not being published equates to freedom from all criticism, which is what I SAID. it's not formal criticism, it's just what I think. you remember thinking? I can't turn it off! and since when was my SINGLE page a goodreads account?

as soon as they pull out the term 'pearl-clutching'...man how did this cunt used to follow me. that's right. I didn't even call then a cunt earlier when kiera did (WHAT bantering??? I posted my response AFTER I got this message) but now I WILL. you gotta be careful about who you tell to go outside, anon. and calling ppl a cunt isn't ableist lmao and I think it's perfectly reasonable in this situation. also if they used to follow me wouldn't they know my views already? what did they think would happen??? and since WHEN was saying cunt problematic???

and furthermore I appreciate the apology bc the comment about my tagging WAS out of line but irrelevant. my bigger complaint was more that 'weird' was a really vague criticism of my behavior. like nothing in ANY of those messages was compelling arguments that I should feel bad about what I was doing they just kept leaning on the morality of the words 'weird' and 'strange'. also just because you used to follow doesn't me you know me as a person?? ugh I just have to call them a presumptuous cunt again I'm afraid.

however this is bar none THE stupidest person I've ever argued on anon with so I will be sorry to see them go. it was so easy to win their weak, unsubstantial, shame-and-normalcy-based but somehow unapologetically amoral arguments...well it looks like I've written another lengthy response but that's fine, I like to chat on my blog to my neighbors and friends and anon shan't shame me out of that one either. how are we all this morning.

[penissirius]

Seo Changbin VS Feelings

Seo Changbin x male reader

SUMMARY: Changbin isn't the best at feelings and emotions. Misunderstandings happen because he's stupid lol.

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: 3 aussies and a devil bunny fight dwaeki over golden retriever child

SPECIAL THANKS TO: @ldrei Thank you for encouraging me to finish this! This is dedicated to you!💕

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: AJ is my OC and he's used as the M/n of this story! Miyeon is my partners OC, she is AJ's sister, and is dating Felix. I actually have 2 full stories one a AO3 chapter story and the other a non-idol social media AU that ill post here. If you'd be interested, please let me know so i know at least someone is looking forward to those stories T-T

AUTHORS NOTE: So, I wrote the beginning of this for my English essay and it was the only essay I've gotten an 100% and a good comment on so I went to Tumblr and my partner asking if I should finish it and publish it because I liked it and my teacher loved it (her Not knowing it was a Stray kids fanfic I wrote just for the essay lol) after some convincing I finished it and now here it is. I would like to apologize because this was finished in December, and I promised I would post it after it was done and never did. I hit a really big depression block in my life, and I didn't want to do anything but now I'm back! Just a heads up I wrote this for my Victorian Drama Essay so don't hope too hard for a so happy ending lol. Have fun reading!

WARNINGS: Arguing, Angstish Ig, Insecure thoughts, breakdowns, panic attacks, yelling, violence, bAd WoRdS

FEMALE ALIGNED PLEASE DNI <3

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AJ was on his way to the JYP Entertainment building to meet up with his boyfriend? Close friend? Friend with romantic benefits? AJ didn’t know but Changbin had said he had something seriously important to talk to him about, AJ had hoped this was when Changbin would finally ask him out for real. Oh, boy was it the opposite of that. AJ texted his best friend and sister, Miyeon, that he was on his way to JYPE and that if she needed a ride home then he could give her one. When he was done texting her he speeded off eager to see the man he loves, he also had serious but good information to share with him. 

    Meanwhile, at JYPE, Changbin is pacing back and forth in his studio panicking and talking to the one person he could for love help, Hyunjin, which honestly wasn’t that good of an idea but he was better than the rest of their friends. “God Hyunjin do something! Give me advice or something idiot!” Changbin says finally standing in one spot facing his group member while tugging on his own hair. Hyunjin stood pushing Changbin into the seat behind him, “First of all sit-down and get your hands out of your hair. You’re stressing yourself out and the stylist will be pissed if you pull any of your hair out.” Changbin took a deep breath and put his hands on his lap. “Now I can’t really help you seeing as this is your own very stupid plan. Everyone in the group is dating someone in some way or another. Why are you purposely putting yourself through this? Even Chan has someone. Chan has more game than you!”

    Changbin sat in silence for a few seconds before looking at his tall dramatic member. “I don’t want to take any chances, what if it’s not what he expects and leaves me? What if we date and get found out? He’s not an idol. He’d get way more hate and things like that! I couldn’t do that to him.” Hyunjin just shakes his head. “So instead of letting him make that decision, you decided to break his heart and make the decision for him? Well-”, Hyunjin started walking to the door, “You do that but don’t expect me to help protect you when the three Aussies and Lee know find out what you did. Even tho I think your stupid for giving up a guy who does so much, some that you don't even know, for you. I kinda understand why you're doing it. You better not hurt him, he’s the sweetest when it comes to his friends. So don’t make it worse than it has to be.” That's all Hyunjin said before walking out. 

    The shorter man is left sitting in an empty studio by himself, left with thoughts, “Dammit! I didn’t even think about the AJ protection Squad™️ that would be after me! If AJ doesn’t kill me himself they sure will.” Just then his inner voice said ‘Remember you used to be one of them, but now you’re about to shatter his heart just because fans and other companies believe it's wrong for you to date.’ Changbin shakes his head arguing back, “It’s more than that. Us being together could damage the careers we both worked so hard for! If people were to find out he’d get non-stop hate! I’m just protecting him!” He would definitely sound crazy if anyone else was around to hear him argue with his self-consciousness. He shut up quickly when he heard his phone ding with a message from AJ saying he was on his way up to the studio. 

    When AJ got inside the studio he hugged the shorter man happily before sitting in the armchair that Hyunjin was previously sitting in, looking towards Changbin with a bright smile. “Hi, Hi Baby Binnie!” Changbin swore that AJ’s beautiful smile would be the death of him one day. Changbin gave a nervous smile back, “Hey AJ” “So what serious thing did you want to talk to me about?”AJ tilted his head confused, still smiling. The idol was starting to panic not knowing how to talk about it without hurting AJ’s feelings. “Didn't you say you had good news? You should go first!” AJ laughed, smiling less than before, “Well whatever you wanted to talk about seems to be making you stressed and upset so maybe you should go first and I'll tell you the good news when you're feeling better!” Changbin sighed, AJ was right it's better to rip the bandaid off now rather than give himself more time to think it over and panic. 

    “Alright, please promise that you won't take this personally and you won't get mad at me.” That brought a small nervous giggle from AJ, “I've never gotten mad at you before, I'm sure it's not that bad!” Changbin took a deep breath and finally said, “I don't think we can be a thing anymore- we should just stay friends…” It was silent for a minute before Changbin looked up at AJ and saw that he no longer had a smile on his face. AJ paused, it was like his whole world stopped when he heard Changbin say those words. Changbin had never seen AJ speechless or that upset in the year that he's known him. AJ sat paused and baffled, Changbin didn't want to be with him anymore let alone be officially together. “AJ?-” Changbin was cut off when the taller one turned to him blank-faced and asked, “Why?” The idol was confused and because of all the panic earlier his brain was no longer working. 

    “Why what?” Changbin asked stupidly. AJ scoffed, still looking at him with the same blank face that Changbin had never seen before, likely none of his friends other than his sister had seen him with a blank emotionless face, that just wasn't him. “Why all of a sudden do you not want to be with me? How long have you been waiting to tell me? You let me believe this whole time that you actually liked me and there was a possibility that we could be together. So WHY is my question?” Changbin took a moment to gather his thoughts before replying. “Us being together would be a risk. It’s not that I don't like you, because I do! It's just that our careers could be ruined if anyone were to find out. I know that being an artist and dancer is very important to you. I don't wanna be the reason that all falls plus if I get any scandals I might damage everyone in Stray Kids' careers as well.” 

AJ stood angry but still pretty much blank. “Alright, guess it’s my fault for thinking that you were different and didn't care about what everyone else thought. I'm sorry for thinking that maybe we would be able to be together and happy like my sister and Felix. And more importantly, I'm sorry that I went through all this trouble for you. I stepped out of my comfort zone and went through so many panic attacks for you. Turns out it’s not enough. Guess I'll see you around Changbin.” AJ slammed a piece of paper down on the desk in front of Changbin before storming out to go find his sister and then go home. Changbin, saddened and confused, tried to call after AJ but he was already gone down the hall and into a different part of the building. Changbin got up and looked at the paper that AJ left, it was crumbed and there was a corner torn off at the bottom. It was a printed-out picture from JYPs staff to AJ saying that he passed all the auditions and was officially a JYP trainee. Changbin stared at the paper in shock, feeling more like an asshole than he originally did.

AJ walked from Changbin’s studio downstairs to the practice room that he knew his sister and Felix would be in and slammed the door open, way harder than he meant to, and looked at his sister. “Oh, hey AJ- What's wrong? Who did it? WHO hurt you? Whose ass do I have to beat?” Miyeon immediately noticed the difference in her brother's face despite his trying to act like his normal self. “Nothings wrong, I'm just ready to go home.” AJ said, walking over to them. “Nope, something is clearly wrong, sit. Sit your ass down. Family Circle.” Miyeon said, looking up at him from where she and Felix were sitting on the ground. “Since when did we still do Family Circle? And how is it Family Circle if it’s just me, you, and Felix?” AJ said, sitting in the half circle they formed. “Shut up now tell me who hurt you, imma beat their ass!” Miyeon said. “We beating ass? Should I call Chan?” Felix said, pulling out his phone. 

“There is no reason to call Chan. Don’t call him, I said I was okay!” AJ said trying to reason with the two Aussies but trying to do that is like talking to a wall. “Call him!” “I’m calling him!” Miyeon and Felix said after staring at AJ for a sec. AJ groaned defeated, leaning back on the floor still sitting with his legs crossed. After a couple of rings, Chan picked up the call. He put the call on speakerphone.  “Felix? What’s up dude, I thought you and Miyeon were practicing, what’s up?” “You need to come to the Micheal Jackson dance room!” Miyeon said over the owner of the phone's shoulder. “Why did something go wrong?” Chan said and you can hear shuffling on his side of the phone he gets up grabbing some stuff. “Nothings wrong Hyung, they're just being dramatic!” AJ yelled from his spot laying on the floor. “Someone hurt AJ. We’re trying to find out who so we can beat their ass.” Felix said into his phone. 

“Really? Why didn’t you start with that! I’m on my fucking way. Should I get Lee Know? I’m gonna get Lee Know.” You hear Chan set his phone on his desk and open his door screaming down the hallway in the dorms. “MINHO! LET'S GO WE GOT A CODE GAY DOWN!” AJ turns to them shocked “You guys have codes for this shit?” Felix looked back at him, “Yes. We are the AJ Protection Squad and we take our job very seriously.” They heard stomping before they could hear Minho’s voice clearly. “A code gay down? Whose ass am I beating? Where’s my child?” “At the Company let’s go.” You hear them both shuffle around before Chan turns to his phone. “We’ll be there in 5.” Chan says before hanging up. “The dorms are 15 minutes away!” AJ said, still confused about everything going on. “As Felix said we in the AJPS take our job very seriously.” Miyeon said looking at her brother, still bothered by the fact that someone made him upset. 

AJ decided to no longer ask questions and stared at the ceiling sadly still thinking back to what Changbin had said. Miyeon and Felix just looked at each other and at him knowing that something was wrong and they were determined to get to the bottom of it. In 5 minutes exactly there comes a worried and already angry Chan and Lee Know burst through the door. ‘If they are already pissed before knowing what happened, how will they be after?’ AJ thought, still staring at the ceiling, not moving. Lee Know and Chan move to join the makeshift ‘Family Circle’ before they all turn to AJ. “Alright now what’s wrong and who did it? And no bullshit answers AJ or I swear to god.” Lee Know says. They all looked more calm and worried rather than angry so AJ just decided to tell them, also because they probably would never leave him alone until he told them and it would feel better to talk to them about it. 

AJ took a deep breath before sitting up and looking at all of them suddenly feeling shy when he realized that they were all staring at him. “Well, this morning Changbin texted me saying that he wanted to talk and that it was something serious so we agreed to meet at the studio. And I don’t know why but a small part of me was hoping that this was when he’d finally ask me out or something, after all the mixed signals he was giving about whether we were in a relationship or not. But I should’ve known that wouldn’t have happened.” AJ looked down at his lap holding back tears, now that he was saying it all out loud the sadness and rejection is hitting him in waves. “I was gonna tell him the good news after he said what he needed to say but when he said what he did I was no longer in a happy mood. It felt like my whole world shattered-” By the time he got that out he had already started crying letting the tears fall into his lap. 

“He had said that he doesn’t think we should be a thing anymore and that we should just stay friends. And that hurt! It hurt so much but I still hadn’t processed how much it hurt until now, all I felt was anger. All I could think of was to ask why. Why did he let me believe that there could ever be something between us? Why did he let me get my hopes up just to crush them? Why had I been stupid enough to believe that he would like me back and wanna be with me? And he spouted some bullshit answer about how he actually did like me but us dating was a risk and that because I wasn’t an idol if our relationship was found I’d get so much more hate and shit. That it could ruin the careers we both worked so hard for. That he didn’t wanna be the reason I couldn’t be an artist or dancer anymore. And that if he got any dating scandals he could possibly ruin Stray Kids' career as well.” 

At this point, AJ was ugly sobbing and barely getting his sentences out correctly. Lee Know moved until he was directly behind AJ pulling the younger into his lap and wrapping his arms around him, setting his chin on the crying boy's shoulder. Felix and Chan moved to each side of him, Felix grabbing one of AJ’s hands and Chan setting his arm on his thigh. Miyeon moved to sit in front of her brother holding his other hand. The only thing on all four of their minds was comforting their youngest yet tallest friend and beating the shit out of Changbin later. AJ, although a pain in their ass some days, was their baby, the maknae of the friend group, and the only one who could get Minho to be this soft and cuddly by will. Not even Jisung had that pleasure. Hell even I.N. loved the younger and gave him affection. He was always happy and had something stupid or sassy to say, always there to make them smile on their worst days, and to see him crying aggressively over something one their friends did really pissed them off. 

AJ took some shuddery breaths trying to calm down to no avail before speaking again. “All I could think of in the back of my head was that I wasn’t good enough. That I’m still not good enough. That he was just trying to protect my feelings by not telling me that he didn’t like me that way. I'm not an idol so I’m not good enough. That I was stupid to think that just because all my friends got their happy ever after that I could get mine! I’ve tried so hard! I did so many things and it still wasn’t good enough! The amount of panic I’ve gone through during this whole audition process, the way I’ve unhealthily thrown myself into school and practice so I could get a better shot of getting accepted. The stupid strict diet I let that staff member put me on cause they thought it would make me look better. Because I wanted to be better! For him! I wanted to look better, dance better, rap better, be better. All for him. Just to find out my efforts were for nothing. That I’ll never be good enough!” 

At this point, AJ was working himself into a panic attack and Felix and Miyeon were thankful they grabbed his hands earlier because they know how bad his attacks can be on himself. They were all shocked none of them knew about the things he said. Miyeon knew about the school and practice thing and would try to pull him away whenever she could but that’s because she was used to him being a workaholic and thought that it was because of the constant auditions, not Changbin. Felix knew about the panic attacks because he’s helped him calm down from a few but none of them knew about the diet. He already has a bad relationship with food so the diet might have made it worse. AJ started falling deeper into panic and Lee Know pulled him closer whispering calming words in the boy he saw as his little brother's ear. They all huddled closer hugging the younger, letting him cry, and doing little things they knew calmed him down. 

Eventually, AJ calmed down and his cries turned into small hiccups and tears. He was so thankful they made him talk about this rather than him bottling it up and telling no one until he exploded and had a much worse breakdown. When AJ finally felt calm enough he lifted his head and everyone pulled away. Although he was squeezing Felix and Miyeon’s hands, leaning onto Chan’s shoulder, and refusing to get out of Lee Know’s lap, he was a lot calmer than before. He was very tired from so many emotions and crying. He was half asleep in Lee Know’s lap and leaning on Chan still. There was a long moment of silence before Miyeon spoke up. “You know I’m gonna beat his ass right?” The other 3 hummed in agreement. “Please don’t do that. I know I can’t stop you from talking to him but don’t do anything irrational. That’ll just make it worse.” AJ said in his broken sore and half-sleepy voice. “Can’t make any promises little Bro” Miyeon said, already standing up. 

“Just don’t do anything to have to go to jail, I don’t have bail money” AJ said before falling asleep fully. Miyeon leaned down and kissed her brother's forehead whispering, “later we will talk about that diet stuff.” She stood and turned to the other boys “Alright I have a Pig to slaughter and it won’t be the first time. Who’s coming with?” Lee know whipped his head to her, “you’ve done what?” “You heard me” was all she replied. “We all want to come but I don’t think it’s right to leave AJ alone so 2 of us should stay and the other 2 go.” Chan said, looking at AJ sleeping on his shoulder. “Alright, we’ll who’s coming with me?” Miyeon said. “I’ll stay with AJ, I will take him back to the dorms so he can rest and make sure he doesn’t try to do any work when he wakes. I also don’t think I’d be able to stop myself from fighting Changbin.” Chan said. Minho looked at the sleeping curly-haired boy and up at Miyeon. “I’ll go.” Lee Know reluctantly handed over the sleeping boy, putting him in Chan’s lap. “I’ll go to the dorm with Chris and make AJ’s favorite food and dessert.” Felix said from his spot on the ground. Chan handed Lee Know the car keys since they rode together and he and Miyeon would need to get back to the dorms. 

“We’ll drive AJ’s car to the dorm since I’m the only one other than Miyeon he lets drive it. And He was Felix and Miyeon’s ride home anyways.” They all nodded before Miyeon and Lee Know left the room storming up to the studios. Felix gathered his and AJs stuff while Chan picked AJ himself up. When they had everything they walked down to the parking lot and looked for AJs car. It wasn’t that hard to find with the obnoxious bright light blue color of it. Felix sat both of their bags on the floor in the backseat and got in on the right side. Chan set AJ on the left so he was leaning on Felix while sleeping. Chan got in the driver's side and started the car checking on the two younger ones in the back before driving off towards the Stray Kids dorm. 

Back at the company, Changbin is panicking. He feels so many emotions at once, he feels like an asshole, he’s upset about having to break AJs heart like that and overall he’s scared. He’s terrified because he knows that it’s only a matter of time before Miyeon or someone else shows up to beat his ass. He paces back and forth like earlier when Hyunjin was with him. “Fuck man what am I gonna do? I mean if I leave now there’s a possibility I can start running before they catch me- but where would I go? If I run, they're gonna be expecting me at the dorms and attack me then! I’m better off just staying here-“ As he finished saying that there were loud stomps and banging on the studio door, Changbin was glad he locked the door earlier. “COME OUT CHANGBIN YOU CAN'T STAY IN THERE FOREVER!” While Miyeon was shouting at him through the door, Lee Know looked through the keys Chan gave him and was happy to find a key to the studio amongst them. 

He pushed Miyeon slightly over and proceeded to unlock the door. Changbin visually panicked now, it was all happening so fast! He quickly ran to the other side of the couch and sat between it and the wall, knowing damn well his muscled ass was not gonna be able to hide fully back there. The two angry friends stormed in and Lee Know walked over to Changbin not knowing whether to laugh that he thought would work or just stare at him before he grabbed him by his arm and pulled him up to face Miyeon. The rapper looked at the angry sister in fear, the two scariest members of their friend group were currently mad and it was directed at him. Changbin should’ve said bye to his family when he had the chance. He opened his mouth to say something that would spare his life but before he could Miyeon delivered a hefty right hook to his face. ‘Damn that hurt like shit’ Changbin thought, grabbing his cheek. For a 5 foot girl, she sure does pack a punch but that’s to be expected from her seeing as she and AJ got into fights in high school. 

Lee Know gawked at how hard she hit him, not that he didn’t deserve it but goddamn he could feel that punch and he was behind Changbin still holding his arm. “You have exactly 5 minutes to explain why you did and said what you did to my brother and if it’s not a good reason I’m gonna punch you again!” Changbin quickly replied with pretty much the same thing he told AJ and Hyunjin, he was honestly terrified and looked everywhere but at her. When he was done Miyeon took a deep breath before punching him again in the face. Poor Changbin is gonna end up with bruises on his cheek and eye. “It’s a good thing we’re on a break right now. If we weren’t idols I’d leave more bruises than she did.” Lee know said smacking Changbin hard on the back of his head. 

“Listen I don’t care if you thought you did what was best or anything. You broke my brother. I’ve never seen him cry so hard he sent himself into a panic attack over someone. He loved you. He did everything for you. Originally I was supposed to be the only one auditioning and when I tried to talk him into it I stopped because I knew it would be too much pressure for him. But he did, why? Because he wanted to be closer to you.” Miyeon was raising her voice as she talked, her accent getting stronger, and the fact that the studio is soundproof definitely helped. “Do you know what I found out in the last hour? No? Then let me enlighten you. My brother worked himself into the ground with school, dance, and practice for you. He thinks that he’s not good enough. He let one of the staff members put him on some stupidly strict diet because she said it would help him look better! Why? Because he wanted to look better for you!”

Miyeon looked at him disgusted, “I trusted you with my brother's feelings and you broke him more than anyone had in the past. If you like him so goddamn much why didn’t you just date him! Instead, you lead him on. You’ve been all lovey with him, cuddling with him, taking him on dates just to outright turn him down and make him feel like he’s not good enough for you! Felix and I are dating and there’s no problem! Hell half of JYPE is in a relationship! Why are you the only one who is thinking so hard about your career and not the man right in front of you who would and has done literally anything for you! AJ is perfect and if you can’t see that then I don’t know what the hell to tell you. If this is how you're gonna treat anyone who has any interest in you your whole life. Then have fun being single and friendless because clearly, your career is more important.” 

Lee Know moved to stand next to Miyeon, rubbing her shoulder before saying, “We’re giving you one shot to make this better. If you fuck up even more so help me god Seo Changbin, Miyeon and I will not be the thing you need to be afraid of. You’ll have his parents and Chan after you at that point. You better make this up, but at this point, I’d be surprised if he even talks to you again let alone still loves you. If I were him I sure as hell wouldn’t.” Changbin looked at the ground in shock, sadness, and pain because damn those punches hurt. “I will make it better, I really do love him and I hadn’t realized how much pain I’ve put him through. Or how I was only really thinking about myself and my feelings and not his.” Changbin said, nodding. “Good, you have a week, and if he decides he never wants to speak to you again or doesn’t want to be with you. You can’t get mad because you fucked that up for yourself.” Lee Know said, looking at him. 

“I know and I take full responsibility. I definitely deserved the punches because I was stupid. And I wouldn’t blame him if he no longer wanted to be with me” Changbin looked up at them. “Not just stupid. You were a dumbass and full-on idiot. Now I’m gonna go back to the dorms and check on my brother. You are not allowed to even look at him until you’ve decided how you’re gonna fix your huge fuck up. Do you understand me?” Miyeon glared at the short rapper. “Yes ma’am” Changbin nodded firmly. “Good now sit and think about your mistakes” was all Miyeon said before storming out of the room to the car. “You really did fuck up and it’s hard to understand whatever stupid logic you thought you had but hopefully you make this right because he seems happiest when he’s with you and that’s all we want for him” Lee Know said looking towards the chair Changbin sat in. “MINHO!” Miyeon yelled down the hall. “That’s my cue to go. Don’t fuck up Seo Changbin” He said before he left the room. And so there Changbin sat left with his thoughts of how much of an idiot he is and how he’s going to fix it. 

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I really hope you like it! If you did leave likes and comments! reblogs help as well! If you wanna read more of my shitty works you can follow me on AO3 @/penissirius ! If you’d like to see more of AJ and Miyeon and their Interesting Adventures in life in Korea and Becoming JYP trainees well you’re just in luck because the whole story of them is being written and made. Tho I will not post it until I have the whole thing finished which will be a while but I have a few chapters now! So be on the lookout for that! I will be posting a Social Media AU that is completely unrelated to that story so let me know if you wanna be on the tag list for it! Byeeeeee~

[moonveiltarot]

hi, hope you're having a great day or night <3 i'm here to join your game. i would like to know what Gojo Satoru (Jujutsu Kaisen) would think of me, and would prefer the 18+ ver. his hair color is white and as for his eyes, it's blue. his height is 190 cm/6'3". my favorite thing about his personality is how he's actually a sweet and serious man behind his childish demeanor i've alr followed you through my main acc @parkjayssi .hope i haven't messed up any rules. welcome to the tarot community and thank you<333

💗Hello, Tina! I'm Loren. Thank you for welcoming me into the community.

Coincidentally I was learning about Gojo the other day! I'm glad I did that before I logged in.

Spirit has a unique way of bringing people together.

I'm using the Starspinner Tarot, my own oracle deck that I haven't published yet and some charms too.

Gojo is quite popular!

You haven't messed anything up. I like Toji's ... massive size. And appetite. And how he's impoverished. To be completely fair, I only know of the characters from edits, youtube essays and fluff/smut from tumblr. I asked chatGPT about Gojo earlier too and it said he's got good stroke game. Then I got in trouble for violating the policy. BUT ANYWAY

on to the reading!

♡ 𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐄𝐒 𝐘𝐎𝐔

✧･ﾟCards Starspinner Tarot: 3 of Sword rev, The Sun, The High Priestess

My Oracle: Villain (reversed), Hero. This is already so cute omfg

Charms: teeny white heart, pink carriage, cherry blossom, pink crown

You are his ideal of a divine feminine woman. He can see you having his babies. You make him feel like less of a villain in your presence. He sees you as a pure, heroic person. You are like a light in the darkness to him. He feels like you could be his dream come true. He think your presence is healing and that you intuitively know what to say or do to cheer him up. He thinks you're so lovely. He almost idolizes you. You're not "like him," is what he thinks. You're so pure, just like pure white light.

He enjoys being near you and just watching you exist, doing your own thing.

You're pretty to look at and he'd probably stare. From like 500 feet away while he's busy doing something else. Or when he's close. If you caught his eye he would wait until you two were introduced unless he had to save you from something. He would probably watch you from afar for a while, just doing your thing, being perfectly content in your little world.

You're not someone he'd just walk past. He would stop and stare, mid walk, and ask whoever is closest to him “who's that?” You are exactly his type and he probably didn't even know he had a type. Until he saw you doing your thing, probably being all heroic just because it comes naturally to you. Immediately got his attention. Normally he'd walk on past a civilian whether he saved them or not, but not you. Mans was stopped in his tracks.

You probably had to stand up to him for being morally flexible / non-chalant. Maybe you saved a kitten from a tree or even protected a civilian by throwing yourself in front of them. Maybe you protected someone, but got hurt as a result, because he was being a dickhead while using his techniques or something. He really admired you for telling him what a dumb ass he was and that he should at least make it up to you.

Since you stood up to him, he might enjoy making you mad on purpose, hoping you'll hit him. For some reason he really likes to be put in his place.

He doesn't want other men looking at you.

He might think you're incredibly unlucky for becoming the object of his desire. He feels like he needs to make it up to you all the time, even when he doesn't have to. You might have to tell him not to buy you things all the time. He's deeply infatuated with you though and he'd throw himself in front of however many bullets he had to just to keep you safe. Which would work because nothing can touch him without his consent.

I am getting this vibe like you'd seriously reject him. He's an ENTP, so I know he'd become obsessed with you. He would fantasize about you being his baby mother and having his children.

Once he decided he liked you, that's that. He sees you as being on the same wave length as he is, you rank as highly as he does in terms of “not like normal people.” He would shamelessly voice this. He chose you. He's marrying you. He's loyal as f to you. That is all there is.

♡ 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐂𝐘 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐇𝐈𝐌

✧･ﾟCards

Starspinner Tarot: 2 of Pentacles, The World, Death

My Oracle:Light Feminine, Guilty, Spiritual Court reversed, Sugar Daddy reversed

Charms: guard (from alice in wonderland, those cards that protected the red queen, like knights I think, it's the ace of hearts), black clover, unicorn w/ black maine and tail, unicorn headband, blue star, black crown

Like it said above, you're his type.

Since you aren't throwing yourself at him, he would be intrigued by you.

He thinks you really are too pure for him. He would flirt with you, heavily. He finds you great at conversation, which is something he doesn't get a lot of. Others don't seem to "get" him, but you understand him perfectly. After each crass thing he says, you would say something that would have him befuddled. I see him feeling a bit astounded at times too. Like "Damn, she really replied like that?"

He's confused about his abilities to seduce you, since women typically can't wait to jump into bed with him. You are stimulating to his brain and he keeps prodding because he wants to know more. You give him food for thought and that makes him enjoy the process even more.

In fact, he thinks you're a rare specimen just like him – even more so in the bedroom.

He wants to corrupt you, but can tell it will take some mind games to get to you.

Aside from his insecurities he would definitely use underhanded tactics to get you to lower your defenses. Not in a malicious way, but in a way that draws out the real you. That part of you who is under lock and key and wants to rip off his clothes. He can tell you want to be intimate with him because you keep staring into his eyes. It's hard not to when he's that close after all.

He would make sure he had your consent like for small things first, like"is it okay if I scoot a little closer?" And then he'd scoot like an inch. Then a few minutes after he got you talking he would scoot closer and closer until he's up in your face almost. I can see him pretending to drink, like holding his drink to the side so you can't tell it's still full.

He'll make a dorky joke here and there, but somewhere in the conversation you would notice he's being more serious. And he's somehow closer to you.

Ah, there's a “death” reference too. The four leaf clover. Four in Japan, China and Korea can have the numerical association to “death” or “misfortune.” Considering it was a four leaf clover, clovers typically representing luck and it was the color black, along with the death card … I think, he would think you assumed he's dead. If he showed back up in your life he would have to make up for lost time and being away for so long. For the emotional turmoil and grief he put you through.

There is some lore somewhere that he doesn't like to drink, I believe. He probably would try to get you to drink before he made a move, so you would be more accepting of his advances. He sees you as wifey material and I'm getting “worship” vibes.

He would feel like it would be really bad luck to treat you like one of the women he just uses for sexual gratification. He would take his time and invest in you.

I don't think foreplay would much of a thing, but his way of flirting with you has you in. the. Mood. He would show up with some expensive thing, kiss your cheek and have a conversation with you. Real “grown up” behavior.

And trust he would spend whatever he had to make you feel good. Instead of looking at you like an object, he would invest time, attention and however much money it takes. He wants you for the long haul, so he'd put it down as soon as you gave him the green light.

He's got blue eyes and can be pretty charming from what I've read. The cards reiterate this. His ability to lighten the mood would probably be what works to break the tension and intense eye contact. If he already “died” then he would be making it up to you for hours and hours once you're both finally alone together.

He's the type to have incredible stroke game. He puts in the effort to be the best you've ever had. He would start with a hand on your inner thigh once you're comfortable enough with him He's good at reading the energy between you two.

Whatever it takes to keep you pregnant... You would make him the most gorgeous babies ever and he would treasure you so much. He would do anything for you. He would learn as much as possible about things he can do to induce pleasure. Mostly for you. He is intuitive to your needs and would do anything you wanted to, as long as you let him know your boundaries. In conclusion: Nothing is off the table for this man.

He's all or nothing in relationships, so it wouldn't be any different for you. He loves you with his soul.

And he's smart as Hell, so he'd know if you were uncomfortable or unhappy. He wouldn't be able to rest until you were satisfied both in bed and otherwise. The man wants an entire life with you.

You put him in his divine masculine energy and make him feel like he's the man. I hope that wasn't too bad. D:

Songs: She Calls Me daddy – King Mala & Chasin – Chris Grey

[k-phoenix]

hello! i would love to hear the rant about PET scans :3

Holy shit so okay I'm in the train for the next 20 minutes, and I _know_ that's not enough time to get into all of it, but I could rant about this for hours, so. Maybe we cap this at 20 minutes. [20 minutes later] Okay so I wrote a huge wall of very boring text that barely started getting into it, so let me provide way less detail, actually:

It is massively expensive. A PET scanner costs a lot. And it's not a one time purchase, and then you can do scans, no, you wish. You also need some very expensive equipment to create radioactive tracers (which are what is used to do a PET scan) on site, because that stuff needs to be created fresh (under an hour) before every scan. To create the tracers is ALSO incredibly expensive. A single PET scan costs multiple thousands.

This also means that PET research makes use of as few participants as possible. A study with 15 participants is considered big. You simply cannot infer from 15 participants to the whole population. This also means that, statistically, it is highly likely that you don't find an effect even though it exists - meaning if your PET study looks for the effect of A on B, it is highly likely that it will find that A has no effect on B even though it does - simply because you didn't have enough participants (if this explanation doesn't make sense, let me know, and I can explain in detail)

This, together means, that an absolutely absurd amount of money is used for research that, by design, will not find results, because to find results, they would need more participants and even more money.

Because scientific publishing is a shitshow at the moment, research that doesn't find results very rarely gets published, especially not if you can't even be sure whether the result is right. So absurd amounts of money put into research that doesn't even get published.

And I haven't even talked about the results they did find and issues with them. Don't ask me to explain those. Don't tempt me to put hours into writing a multiple page essay that nobody will read.

So, in conclusion: PET is an absolutely amazing feat of engineering that is magnificent in detecting cancer and with it we could learn so. Much. More about the brain and how it works. But to do that, a lot of the basic organisation of how we do science would first need to change. Many labs would have to collaborate and be okay with making the collected data openly available, so appropriate sample sizes (=numbers of participants in a study) can even be achieved (Here's a paper on that). That probably won't happen, though.

Now, obligatory note: one of the professors who taught me about PET is a man who wrote an extremely controversial paper about exactly this stuff, despite also using PET in his research. If you like niche drama in science, look into this paper and all the articles that are responding to it.

[0junemeatcleaver0]

Anonsense: A Deconstruction of a Bad Faith Argument

I honestly don't know why I'm even posting this. Will it be helpful for people who don't know how to immediately clock a bad faith argument? The people pleasers who might feel compelled to answer every anon no matter what? I hope so.

Do I have a bit of a bee in my bonnet after being woken up at 4am because I forgot to silence my phone only to see this bullshit after living through the most stressful week of my fucking life?? Also yes.

Whatever. At best this is a learning moment, at worst it's an opportunity to point and laugh at someone who thinks they deserve a Nobel Peace Prize for failing at being real pussy cunt-cunt in a stranger's inbox.

I am confused. You haven't watched the show but you hate the show...? Correct! You can, in fact, hate a thing you've only gotten a taste of. I saw the trailer (you know, the thing networks release to get you interested in a show?) and didn't care for what they were doing. That opinion was only cemented when I saw the ridiculous clip of Louis chasing a fucking goat around.

Something fans of colour especially black fans talk of so enthusiastically and fondly? You're right, VC fans of color are all a monolith and all enjoy the show. And the fact that I--a rando white person--hate the show is mortally wounding to them all. This is in no way infantalizing to fans of color, to imply that I somehow have enough power as some random person to ruin their good time by making posts about how silly I think this show is--posts I don't tag so that fans of the show don't have to see them.

And these fans aren't always show onlies. I know. I've talked to a few of them. They seem nice.

Idk if this ask is going to come off as bait Yes you do. You absolutely know that. And if you didn't know that, that was your clue to go back to the drawing board re: how to phrase what you meant in a good faith way.

-think of it as you will How kind of you. Thanks for the permission.

but this...you realize this comes off as some type of way, don't you? Only to the people who are actively looking to be upset, yes. And I don't care about those people. They are not of my concern.

You have had an ask that you published where the anon says they don't care that "certain demographics" of people are loving AMC. That's very very sus. 'Very very sus'. Am I suddenly on Twitter? Anyway. You do realize that book-only fans are constantly accused of belittling all show fans no matter what we say, right? That it's much more likely that anon said "certain demographics" meaning "the fraction loud, obnoxious fans who will accuse you of being immoral for not liking the show" and "people who never read the books and have nothing to compare it to" and not as some dogwhistle to mean "fans of the global majority", right? Also, my memory is shit. I may have used that phrase and if so, see the above reasoning for why I used it but also if I didn't: Why am I being held accountable for a random person's choice of wording?? I'm not anon's mom.

I don't particularly care if you answer or not. I'm sure. That's why you wrote an essay in my inbox. To not get a response.

If you block. I did. Fuck outta here.

I just had to put it there. Did you? What was the goal in this? Do you even know?

Maybe this is rude as per tumblr etiquettes. It's pretty rude regardless, but hey what do I know. I'm no Emily Post.

But this was just so odd as I am new to both the book and show fandom and while going through blogs I found yours So what I'm hearing is you're missing a lot of context for what's been going on around here and you've not realized that, is what I'm hearing. And you're either purposefully ignoring of didn't wait to find the many, many posts I've made detailing why I personally think the show is bad, why I think the white cishet frat bro turned wanna be auteur showrunner is doing a bad job of including characters of color in the text, the reblogs of fans of color who have brought up similar points, etc?

Stretch before you reach this hard, anon.

[dragon-swords-prophecies]

'Allo! 7, 8, and 15 for the ask game? :D

hi!!!

7. what are three songs you put on your WIP-playlist this year?

So I don't really have a wip playlist, but I have a general playlist I use for writing (mostly essays for school, but anything that's being a pain in the ass or I need to get done I use it for) plus a couple ones form when I'm working on specific wips, and those got a bunch of new editions! (the entire playlist, actually, the playlists for writing a specific wip didn't exist until this year).

Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin (fun fact: I couldnt remember the name of this song when I was talking to my friend once so I called it the harmonica lesbians song) (frost & fire/enna's prequel writing playlist)

Once and For All from the Newsies musical sound track (herald at dawn writing playlist)

Big Dreams in a Small Town by Restless Heart (herald at dawn AND frost & fire/ennas prequel writing playlsit)

8. what are three things you're looking forward to next year?

I'm really looking forward to doing the worldbuilding for herald at dawn. its going to be so much fun, i can't wait. and also working on fleshing out the proper plot of ennas prequel and frost & fire. and the third thing is probably just getting back into writeblr in general because damn did i not have any spoons or motivation for like a year and a half. but i has both of those now!!!

15. time for shameless self-promotion! answer with a piece of writing you want others to see/read! (if you have nothing posted/published this year, any other year is fine too ^^)

I love this bit so much. so fucking much. its the prologue to enna's prequel and i love it.

631 words. tw/cw: referenced murder, blood, graphic description of torture (no actual depiction of it, its a threat made by one character to another), someone trying to kill their relatives

In the tunnel there was a girl standing alone. Her name was Enna. She was crying, tears streaking tracks down her cheeks, and her shirt was wet with blood that did not belong to her. She stood in a stone tunnel with an arched ceiling. The floor was hard packed dirt, with the occasional flagstone poking out from underneath.

Her black-and-blue hair was in a simple braid down her back. It ended just above her waist. She was staring at someone in the distance, no more than 15 feet past. Her eyes were wide and wet; despite that, they were fierce, a hint of fire burning in the depths inside them. She reminded the elf at the end of the passageway of her mother. Stubborn and full of a fierce anger; one that was strong enough to burn down cities.

She didn’t make any move towards the elf. She knew she couldn’t win whatever fight would happen if she tried to stop him. Enna did not yet wish to join her brother in death. Instead, Enna asked one question. Just one, and nothing else. “Why?” she said, voice shaky. “Why did you kill my brother?”

The elf half turned, his face cast in shadow. “You wish to know why?” the man laughed, a deep, bone chilling, hollow laugh that Enna would never forget. “There are more powerful forces in this world than you know, girl, and it would do you wise to listen where your brother did not. Stay out of matters you do not, cannot, understand. Die now and redeem yourself from the crimes of your mother.”

“You knew my mother?” asked Enna, her voice soft and hollow.

“Yes. Why would I not, Enna Marie?” The elf leaned forward until his face hit the edge of the pool of low lamplight. Icy blue skin, a face framed by black hair, and a pair of eyes she saw in her own face everyday. Green eyes, eyes the color of emeralds and of even finer stones Enna could not hope to see. “I am your uncle, girl,” he spat. “I know of every ‘accident’; of the blasphemy that resulted in the birth of you and your heathen twin.”

His voice echoed as he drew back from the light. “I will make you pay for that. I will make you bleed and I will make you until you scream until that little dammed father of yours comes running. And I will make him watch as I bleed his two little girls dry, just as I did to his son.”

“My father is dead,” said Enna, softly. It was the only thing she could think of to say. “I don’t even know his name.” But no one was around to hear her. Echoing in the silence was a bone chilling laugh that would haunt her nightmares for decades to come.

Her uncle was long gone by the time anyone came down the passage to accuse her of fratricide, of the murder of her brother.

It was not Enna who had killed her brother, not Enna who had committed that most grievous of transgressions, the killing of one’s own blood, not yet. It was her uncle who had killed Zephyr, who had murdered the son of his once beloved sister.

But her pleas of innocence were not to be believed, and Enna would carry that blame for a decade and a half. Some people would never forgive her. Some people forgave her even before she did it, and some people believed her—that she did not need to be forgiven, because she had not done anything.

Enna would not die an innocent, not today. She would run, and run, and run. She would keep running until she could run no longer, and then she took the name Marie.

[kamyru]

"You're beautiful" (Nameless Manager x MC) (Shorts)

Word counting: 798

"I wish I could make you smile oftener, so I admire this aesthetic artwork your face is."

"How does it feel to wake up every day, go to the bathroom, and see that you have a face like yours? I hope you know you are more than beautiful, cute, astonishing, or alluring. People haven't yet invented words powerful enough to describe you."

"Every time I talk to you, I wish to stop the time so I can admire the grace with which you use your words and how they blend in sentences. You can insult me, and I'm going to be in awe at how pleasant your voice is, and how smart your words are."

The manager had no idea what he had done for MC to talk to him like this. At first, he thought that she did it to manipulate him later. But she had never asked for anything. Later, she heard her complimenting his proteges, too. Anyone else could have felt jealous, but not him. It was a pleasure to hear someone waste their words on him, especially because all the compliments were personalized. MC took her time to understand every one of them. Besides complimenting their appearance, she never forgot to admire their actions and thank them every time they did a good job. Not a person could breathe near her, and don't hear anything good.

Except for one person.

"If heaven exists, it probably tastes like this," Claude said while munching on MC's pancakes.

"I hope not because it wouldn't be good enough."

"Can't believe that you are working for a fashion magazine and you haven't been invited to be a model yourself, considering how cute you are, especially when you are smiling," Wataru told MC after all the crew of his photoshoot left.

"They would get broke in less than an hour if I was their model."

"Sometimes I wish you had never disappeared on me in our childhood so I spent more time with you," Ryoga didn't have enough guts to say it to MC's face. Instead, he chose the cutest flower in his garden and left it in front of MC's room with a message attached.

"Don't waste your wishes and time thinking about me," MC whispered to herself after reading this.

"I am going to work hard so that I will be the most popular and in-demand actor the moment your essays are published and you are the most popular Japanese writer," Mikoto told MC after reading one of her works.

"You won't live long enough for me to get to that level."

"You are unique enough for me to write songs with you in mind and put as much warmth as I am capable of," Kotoha whispered once, hoping that MC didn't hear him.

"I am sorry to disturb you from your process of creating real masterpieces," MC whispered back.

The manager didn't hear every interaction of this type, yet he heard enough to understand what was happening. He didn't plan on fighting for a nuisance's well-being. He wanted to get rid of MC the moment she entered the residence. So, he couldn't explain to himself what was happening in front of him.

At five in the morning, the manager came to get the group to the filming of their new MV. After seeing them ready and more alluring than ever, he had to fight their fan service. A job he got pretty good at. 

What he didn't expect was to see a disheveled MC who probably didn't sleep all night, wearing the oldest pajamas a twenty-three-year-old woman can own while drinking some milk in the middle of a barely illuminated kitchen.

This creature looked at him as if she saw a monster. Suddenly, her cheeks colored pink, and the manager could swear he heard her curse quietly.

"I'm sorry that you have to begin your day with this sight, especially after admiring the beauty of gods five minutes beforehand," MC said.

Instead of answering, the manager's first reaction was to laugh. MC gulped and put away the glass of milk she had in her hands. She felt guilty for showing her face in front of someone in that state. Yet, after being awake all night, she needed something to ease her hunger. It was a bad idea. All she had to do now was to crawl to her room in shame. But before she could do it, a hand caught her wrist.

"You're beautiful, probably the only person who can rock this look."

And as if the words weren't enough, the man patted MC's head. He moved a few strands of hair from her forehead and admired her face for a few seconds.

Plust members had never seen their manager's cheeks as red as after he returned.

[thechronicmasochist]

Hi! I was wondering if you could recommend me books, articles, essays, or whatever on queer history? like, any time or place (i want to learn as much as I can, but I need a starting place). and like, theory and history specifically by sex workers and kinksters?

if you don't want to dw about it, you can just ignore this message!

First of all, thank you for asking me about my favorite thing to talk about!! having the opportunity to encourage people to learn about this history is a big part of why I’m still here on this blog and it’s also a big reason for why I’m majoring in queer studies and want to become a librarian.

Awhile ago (some of you may remember) I put up a burner g—gle drive with a bunch of these texts, but the post that links to it is now impossible to find (thanks Tumblr) so I’m going to do this one a bit differently. This post is a bit of a mess, my brain is NOT in peak performance condition right now, but I didn't want to miss this opportunity to share either. I added headers, I'm not sure they help much though.

FIRST OFF, KINK:

For kink/leather theory and practice, I will almost always recommend starting with Leatherfolk: Radical sex, politics, people, and practice, edited by Mark Thompson. It is available on the internet archive here, you just make a free account and you can check it out. https://archive.org/details/isbn_9781555831875 (I personally struggle with the internet archive’s lending model, I know I know I’m a bad aspiring librarian. I read quick, but I can’t seem to read THAT quick. So, in case you are like me, this is also available on libgen) Leatherfolk is great in that it includes pieces from both before and after the AIDS crisis, along with many reflections on the impact which the crisis had on the leather community and the community’s response.

From Leatherfolk, I recommend the works of Patrick Califia (who also published work under the name “Pat Califia” prior to his transition). I really liked Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex for its investigation into how we have pushed sexuality so far into the private sphere that we are inevitably losing our ability to express it and to find people who share our desires. Public Sex is not currently available on the internet archive, but you can find it on libgen. Patrick doesn’t have a site to pay him directly right now, nor are any of his works in active publication, which is unfortunate because he deserves money for his labor as his work has been pivotal to many kinky queers developing a greater understanding of ourselves, our history, and our community.

To understand the THEORIES of sexual deviancy and kink, I have leaned on the works of Gayle Rubin. Her theory of the charmed circle really helps explain how certain types of sex are heavily policed/politicized, and how certain groups fall further from the center of the circle than others. You can find Gayle Rubin readers on libgen, but she’s also been republished in many different feminist theory readers. I’ve found repubs of the charmed circle all over the place, honestly. There’s a really easy-to-read explainer of her sexual deviation theory in the book “Queer: A Graphic History�� by Meg John-Barker and Jules Scheele (this book is very popular at libraries, so I’d start there for a copy if you can’t afford your own).

SEX WORK

Sex work heavily overlaps with the kink stuff, you’ll find discussions of sex work in most of these texts especially in Leatherfolk. For sex work specific research though, my go-to specialist right now is Melissa Hope Ditmore, whose works include Sex Work Matters and The Encyclopedia of Prostitution (available on libgen, but also PAY her if you can because she’s alive and deserves money for her labor). I’m currently debating shelling out for a copy of her newest book, Unbroken Chains, which is a look at human trafficking and I’m sure it is impressive because all of her research has been.

To get into the real lived experience of sex workers, I just finished “Working It: Sex Workers on the Work of Sex” which was edited by Matilda Bickers, peech breshears, and Janis Luna. It was REALLY good. This one you’ll have to pay money for or convince your local library to buy (in my experience, they usually will). I bought my copy from PM press. https://pmpress.org/index.php?l=product_detail&p=1323

DISCLAIMER!!

If you’ve read this far, I want to make a point to address something which I know will come up if you do actually read some of these works. Specifically, I want to address the fact that our community and its history is imperfect, and very culturally contextual. The works of Gayle Rubin and Patrick Califia have been both misconstrued and misguided in their attempts to make sense of the complex relationship between queer youth and queer adults. In the past, both of these individuals have made statements which suggest that they’ve supported relationships between queer adults and queer teenagers. Since then, both of these individuals have either/both changed their position on these issues or clarified that they did not intend to be supportive of these relationships. This is a really important piece of queer history, though. We cannot necessarily easily explain away the fact that for many queer youth in the past, the only way out of an abusive environment was to find a queer adult to take them under their wing. There were not as many ways for queer youth of the past to find and support each other. We are in a position now to understand more fully that this is not a healthy or appropriate model for a romantic or sexual relationship due to the inherent power imbalance, but anyone who wants to do research into historical queer/kink information will need to be prepared to encounter some “problematic” (I kind of hate that word) takes, and to be willing to think critically about the context in which those takes were reached. It is NOT okay for adults to have romantic or sexual relationships with teenagers/youth, but we have to be more willing to understand the ways in which those types of relationships have existed in the past and have even been things that saved lives in the past. Our history and the context in which it occurred will not go away, we can only seek to learn and grow from it.

[kingthunder]

Ever since I was a little kid inhaling books off the sf/f shelves at the local library ten at a time, I wanted to be an author.

I put that desire on hold for decades. Not because I didn't want to do it, but because I was one of those gifted-track ADHD kids who internalized the whole idea of, "if at first you don't succeed, the lesson is never try—then they won't know you're skating through everything by the skin of your teeth and are actually incompetent." It took me until I was in my 30s to undo that mentality. It seems like real kindergarten stuff to realize that if you want to get better at something you have to practice. All I can say in my defense is that my own father used to tell me repeatedly, and very smugly, that only losers who aren't good at stuff have to practice, and that we (him and me) were winners who didn't have to do things like that.

(I also think that he has ADHD, and that he cultivated that own mentality in himself to make himself feel better about also lacking executive function, but if I told him that he would dismiss the thought before I was even done getting it out of my mouth. alas.)

Sometime between my middle school dreams and the crushing weight of the undiagnosed health problems of my 20s, I stopped reading. Books, anyway. I would read fanfiction in spurts. A few months here, a few months there, just when a particular fandom was calling to me. So when I finally got over my own infuriating blend of superiority/inferiority and decided to start practicing writing, it was with fanfiction. It made sense to me. I liked reading it. It gave me the benefit of having pre-made characters and settings, so I didn't have to learn how to create those things and learn the mechanics of storytelling at the same time. Plus, I'd have a readership already. Wins all around.

It went well! I look back at the stuff I wrote when I was first starting, and compare it to now, and the progress is clear (to me, at any rate). I still want to get better, of course, I don't think I'll ever want to stop getting better, but it turns out that practicing works.

My problem now is that...I don't how to move back to published fiction. I just really love writing fanfiction, and I really love reading it, and trying to pivot away from that and into the realm of published stuff sucks, actually. I'm constantly checking books out of the library, reading one, ten, fifty pages, and setting them aside out of boredom or anger. It's almost impossible to find anything that holds my interest enough to finish. It's like the genre of book I want to read only exists as fanfiction.

Meanwhile, I'm bashing my head against a wall trying to make myself start writing original fiction that I could possibly publish. I've managed a little of it. I've taken classes. Applied for some workshops I didn't get into. Won one flash contest and got the dinky little 300 word story published in an anthology. But every word is like pulling teeth. It's agony.

And I'm asking myself why, about all of it. I don't like reading books; what made me think I'd like writing them? Like obviously I'm not having a good time writing them. I'm frustrated to the point of tears constantly when I realize I've gone yet another week with nothing more than brainstorming stories I didn't write a single word of. But I don't want to give up either, because giving up on this means giving up on the one goal I've ever set for myself in my entire life, and it feels too much like giving in to the "you're actually incompetent" brain demon.

Persisting feels like pain, but giving up feels like numbness, and I'd rather hurt.

There's no point to this blog post. This isn't a feel-good essay with a breakthrough or lesson at the end. I have no neat narrative ends to tie up. I'm just screaming into the outer void, because screaming into the inner void hasn't been doing me a crumb of good. Thanks for listening. I'm going to go back to staring at en empty word doc and feeling guilty for not typing anything into it.

[infinite-happiness]

GKS-G 2023 (1st Round Embassy Track) - Part 1

Hello world!

So this is my very first post here.

Maybe I'll be talking about my GKS application journey on this blog and share my experiences online with you guys (if you happened to stumble upon my writings or just somehow ended up here on this blog :D)! Let's get the ride together!!

Anyway, I made it to the 1st round selection (and hopefully will do so until the final round - Amiin *praying hard) of the Global Korea Scholarship program for the 2023 intake . Well, so proud of myself for making it so far (patting me on the back XD). You did well myself! :)

The application itself is such a tiring, long process which require time and dedication (money I could say hehe). Currently, I am waiting for the 2nd round result by NIIED (합격 고고) which will be announced on early May (dunno maybe in the first week? last year it was on the 6th!) And while waiting, I think it would be good to record my application journey so far, so here I am writing this! Hope this will helpful too for you guys who are interested in applying GKS in the future!^^

So first thing first, I had to prepare all the documents while working full time that it was quite stressing for me. I only had time after work to write my essays. In addition, as English is not first language in my country, I had to get my documents translated into English first and then going back and forth to get my documents apostilled (as I am not living in the capital city - it took me 2 hours one way). Another thing is about the recommendation letter (this consumed me more time and energy than I thought haha - you guys better prepare it beforehand). I asked my academic advisor to write one (I had prepared my draft before contacting him, which he then asked about it actually). I had to explain to him multiple times to make sure he signs across the backflap of the envelop as well. But when I got the document.. no.. nothing! my professor didn't sign on the backflap :( On top of that, the document was so messed up, it was crumpled here and there (JNE is not professional this time ㅠ). I had to contact my professor again and asked him to send me a new one (with sign on the backflap) and to put some cardboard along with the packet to make sure it arrived safely. In the end I got my letter back (safely), but it took about one week (obviously lol).

After that, I arranged all the documents needed and sent it to the Korean embassy like one weeks before the application closed (still using JNE tho wkwk). The applicants of the embassy track in my country (I'm from Indonesia) was around 699 people and the quota is only 27! YES, you read it right! I had almost like 700 competitors ㅠ but I was indeed so lucky to get selected (Thanks God!).

The Korean embassy in my country chose like 45 candidates in the document screening. They announced the successful candidates list on their website, but they only posted the applicant's given name (last year they published the full name), and there was my first name as well! But, but.. the thing is my name is not unique at all, most of the women in my country are having the same name with me :) and that was not cool all lol. I was afraid if it actually were not me (although I had a feeling that is was me ㅋㅋ) and got more paranoid after asking one of the 2022 successful applicants as he said that last year the embassy mailed the successful candidates first before posting the list on the website. And I didn't receive any mail from the embassy (had been checking every 5 minutes lol, inbox and spam). I couldn't concentrate on my work because of my anxiety (despite that my Korean ehm crush (?) kept telling me that I would make it because I have TOPIK level 6 - but still.. ㅠ). And then the lunch time came and I was about to do my Dhuzr prayer that I got an email from the embassy congratulating me! I was so happy and was about to cry until I finally read on the mail that I had to do the interview the next day (they said it would start from 8 to 11, first come first serve based)! Yep, the next very day! Congrats to me! lol . I felt overwhelmed because I'm new in my company, and I didn't know if one day notice for a leave is acceptable here. So as soon as I finished my prayer, I reached up to the HR representative in my Department and asked her about the matter. She said that it was okay as long as my supervisor okay with it. Fortunately, my supervisor let me to take a leave for the next day (thank you Mr~ - I told him that I had an urgent family matter lol).

With that, I started the interview preparation as soon as I got off from work. I studied my essays (read it again and again), watched videos related and read people's blogs as well (thank you people :)). I also made a list of questions that the interviewers might ask and recorded myself to practice my answers until late (not recommended but I had no choice ㅜ).

Well, this is going to be a loooong story so maybe I will split it into some parts (I know you guys will be bored to read a very long passage coz so do I :D). Will be back for the second part about my interview experience (and hopefully will be consistent with this blog XD)!

Thank you for reading! Have a lovely day! <3

XOXO