#I did think they did an ok job w it on s11 and there are kinda hints to it in other seasons

[upslapmeal]

Fugitive of the Judoon

Chibnall listening to complaints about s11: oh you want running series-long plots do you? you want more lore do you?? you want returning characters???

I see Thirteen is still being curt and vague and unhelpful

nice

“how long have you been there?” reminded me of Ten and Rose forgetting about Mickey

except Ten and Rose were having fun while Thirteen is decidedly not 

a platoon of judoon! near the moon!

the whole cake scene is like cake man: she can do better than you! who gets their wife a cake saying she should leave her husband Lee: you put the writing saying she should leave me on there cake man: that’s beside the point

Graham's been zapped away!

all he wanted was a cake! let the man eat without being zapped!

lucky that cake man knew the exact fugitive the judoon were looking for

“your platoon of judoon near......that lagoon” “more of a canal?”

“where's your respect for the rules” that's rich coming from you Doctor

oh there's Graham in that TARDIS we saw in the trailer

....is it a TARDIS?

WAIT is that....is that Jack Harkness???

it is!!!!

I know like. time has passed since Torchwood was last on tv but for Jack looking even slightly older means he's 100000 steps closer to being a giant wrinkly face in a jar

goin’ straight in for the smooch so I see nothing has changed

I’m betting it's a chameleon arch thing in the box like in Human Nature / Family of Blood

I see Jack’s managed to zap everyone in the fam except the one person he's looking for

man it's so weird seeing totally different eras of dw mixing

like I know Chibbs did Torchwood but still

oh it’s just a medal in the box

“companion” is this lady a time lord too? the Rani???

wait RUTH is the fugitive??

SHE RIPPED HIS HORN OFF???????

“she likes them mouthy then” “yeah, one up from cheesy” Mickey didn’t call him Captain Cheesecake for nothing!

(again, it’s so weird to think this character that knows Rose and Mickey is in a scene with the new fam)

I love how utterly unimpressed the fam is with Jack

ok so Ruth is definitely a chameleon arched time lord

(......the timeless child?)

“beware the lone cyberman” I mean bewaring cybermen in general I’d say is sound advice

my guess is that the cyberman stuff will be a s12-specific plot, while the timeless child stuff will either span Thirteen’s run or Chibnall’s run

wait.....nanogenes! like from when we first met Jack!

there we go, she is a chameleon arched time lord

WAIT

WHAT IT’S THE TARDIS

this feels like when Eleven found that TARDIS shard

WAIT IS RUTH THE DOCTOR?????

ooh snazzy costume change

oooh no

are they going the ‘making One not the first Doctor’ route again

we've been here before and feel as though the Morbius Doctors are just kinda ignored but then again I’ve not seen that serial yet so

oh well

let's see how it goes this time since it's obviously more than just a few faces appearing briefly

I mean the Doctor remembers their childhood so where would Ruth fit in

to be fair though, I basically ignore the War Doctor so if I don't like how they do this then it doesn't have to matter

buffet-style canon babey

CLASSIC TARDIS

she could be a parallel universe Doctor maybe?? hopefully?

“nothing screams smart like a laser rifle”

ok I know we've only just met this Doctor but I am enjoying the Doctor-Doctor bantz

“is there even a word for how dumb you are?” “Doctor?” that’s either a double insult or a double compliment

“I've seen Gallifrey destroyed twice” RIP Day of the Doctor

“you are only serving at the glory of ash and bone” ooh

that bit of conflict w Ryan at the end.....the Doctor/companion conflict I've been craving

on the one hand I like the whole ‘we know who you are now and that's what matters’ sentiment and seeing the fam help build the Doctor back up at the end of the episode

them making her feel better by talking about how they’ll be at her side no matter what was so good

(although “you saved us” definitely felt a little off given that Thirteen coming into their lives was directly linked to Grace’s death)

but on the other hand I want some REACTIONS

they’re seeing a totally new side of the Doctor with her confronting villains in front of them like in last ep! they’re finding out about the past she has been to reluctant to reveal! how do they feel about all this! what are their thoughts!

they’re just so blasé about all this stuff being thrown at them even though it’s A Lot

“introducing Jo Martin as the Doctor” well here we go

there’s definitely stuff to be said about how they can now go ‘look a black woman has been the Doctor!’ while managing to make this Doctor a side character to the white Doctor’s story but I’m not the best person to say it

but my thoughts about messing with One’s role as the first Doctor aside, she did a great job and I enjoyed having her and Thirteen play off each other

next up: Thirteen and the fam going on an adventure to ignore everything that happened this ep because Who Needs To Deal With That Right Now

[floralmotif]

Tighter threads (s12 finale thoughts)

Well, that happened.

I’m writing this without checking anyone else’s direct thoughts, so someone may have already touched on this but I want to get this out before I forget too much.

First off, I didn’t hate them. I especially liked 12.22(with the exception of one thing). It was very tightly written, in so, so many ways. 12.23 was good(mostly), but it felt more standard. Either way, they pretty much used their last token, and decided to make their narrative so tight, we are currently inside Jupiter.

Spoilers below.

Don’t you just love cliffhangers? No? Huh.. the show seems to think we do. Well, good news everyone! Cliffhangers are so prevalent that unless the show did the narrative equivalent of a lobotomy, the outcome should be pretty easy to read. 

And we’re gonna use 12.22 to do it... and a specific type of narrative parallel.

Ok, so the show has established Mary and Cas as narrative mirrors, and 12.22 and 12.23 basically tightened that spiral into a grinding, ear splitting whine. I had a feeling they would do that. I was hoping they wouldn’t cliff hanger it, but eh, can’t say I’m surprised. Good job SPN, you did the one thing that lets you get away with halting the narrative for a little longer. *slow clap*

Alright, let’s start with the set up of 12.22. For this entire season, Cas and Mary have had parallel narratives. Dean, Mary and Sam have had parallels with each other throughout the season and series in general, but the parallel A-Plot for the season seemed to be Mary = Cas(we’ll get to the other two as well). Mary is basically running her own version of s4 and 5(complete with Luci and apocalypse). Cas and Mary both run towards what’s comfortable for them and run away from real confrontation: Dean and Sam. They run towards the past and how it was, because the future is scary and uncertain and facing forward is hard when their pasts are so messy. Also Cas is just really old and breaking him of what he’s used to is understandably difficult. 

In 12.22, the level of parallel comes to a head and spirals down and tightens into what I’m gonna call an Analog Narrative... I don’t remember its actual name, but using the definitions for analog: 

relating to or using signals or information represented by a continuously variable physical quantity such as spatial position or voltage.

and: a person or thing seen as comparable to another.

I’m gonna go with that for now. It’s basically a tighter form of metaphor for our purposes, a sort of entanglement if you will. It roughly translates to “I am you.” and it allows elements that apply to one, to apply to the other without direct contact. Like a signal from one that is unseen, manifesting in the physical space of the other... like the conversation between Dean and Mary in 12.22. Many of you have probably seen this pop up in movies, many of you may have even seen it in the ep and in the series overall. It’s like the narrative parallel SPN generally uses, just a much tighter form. It’s been used a few other times in the series before. S11 used it a decent amount. I’m just gonna focus on it and give it a name to make it easier to talk about and to differentiate it from your standard parallel like what Dean and Mary are, and Cas and John.

In a standard parallel, one does what the other one does in some form of another, usually in some sort of tandem. In an “analog narrative” what happens to one, is related to the other without us seeing the other directly. Their signals are entangled. So like... a character saying or acting a certain way, means the other character also feels that way/does that thing even if not on screen. When this type of parallel is present, it often takes the form of Crowley reflecting various people. Usually Dean or Cas nowadays. His death may actually mean we’ll start to see more actual words exchanged between characters instead of them being filtered through him.(I will miss him though. He was neat.)

See Guardians of the Galaxy v2 if you want a recent, noticeable example that directly states what it is.

Both Cas and Mary had elements of mind control. The level of mind control with Mary is of the more direct sort, and “going in” is a very “filmed media” way to resolve it. It also allows for Mary to help with Kelly and for them to drag direct information out longer.

Like Cas, Mary had chose to follow “paradise”, a place without want, or suffering, or fear, etc. She had chose to stay away and to attempt to continue her perfect life where it was comfortable. She felt so much guilt for everything, that she ran away from Dean and Sam, just like Cas did. They both wanted to make up for their respective deals. Cas, under the nephilim’s influence chose that too instead of saw it for a lie. Never trust anything in a network tv show that lists a world free of want, fear, suffering, etc as attributes. They are pretty much always a trap unless they're an epilogue and there’s sufficient buildup or it’s part of a message. I’m still not convinced the nephilim is evil, I just think it has a very naive idea of what good is and may not function on a level comparable to humans. It’ll show Cas whatever it thinks will work to show him. It’s just lucky Cas was operating under the same logic Mary was and that allowing in “paradise” would absolve him of control, and by extension, guilt. 

Nope, can’t silence the lambs that easily. Just cause you can’t hear them, doesn’t mean they aren’t calling out.

“Right Mary?” I say as Dean calls out to her.

Mary’s paradise is kind of interesting. She’s basically got that scene in Dark of the Moon as her chosen paradise. Makes me wonder if Ketch has one, but anyway, in it are Sam and Dean in a simpler form. One where they don’t want or need or suffer, one where they are just children and don’t have true ambitions and can’t present a true instigated challenge. Cas’ idea of paradise would absolve him of want, of fear, of facing his feelings and the repercussions they may give.

This is the prison of their minds, peace over freedom. Even though Dean has the same fears about himself as Cas does, he pushes through and tries to talk to Mary. Eventually, while she doesn’t answer him, we get some highlights:

Mary: I only want good things for you Dean. I’ll never let anything bad happen to you.

Dean: I hate you.

Dean: I was a kid, you promised you’d keep me safe... and then you make a deal with Azazel.

Dean: You wanna know what that was like? They killed the girl that he loved, he got possessed by Lucifer, he lost his soul.... All because of you.

All of it was because of you.

Please note that Dean doesn’t mention the things that specifically happened to him.. but you know.. Dean.

Dean: I hate you. I hate you... and I love you... because I, I can’t help it. You’re my mom... and I understand.. and I have made deals to save the ones I love.. more than once. I forgive you. I forgive you.. for all of it... everything.

Dean: On the other side of this, we can start over. I need you to look at me, I need you to see me. 

Now, not all of this will apply or be exact, because Mary is still her own person with her own issues and stuff that she specifically did. Parallels aren’t usually exact. That’s too obvious and filmed works are a game of Dixit. Also, most of the transgressions they refer to are in the far past, so chances are, the parallel is addressing some further back issues as well...

So.. roughly translated to Analog speak... 

Dean: I hate you.

Dean: I needed you, and you promised you would keep me safe, and then you made a deal and left us alone. Do you know what that was like?

(I’m not sure which exact parallels they’re going for here with the listing, but I’m going with Cas breaking Sam’s wall and Cas raising Sam from hell without his soul. The only one I’m not sure about is the death of the girl he loved. Eileen maybe? Since he wasn’t present to help prevent the deaths of people with them. That one’s harder and maybe it kills the whole parallel but I doubt it. The intent may not be exact since Dean still hasn’t really had this conversation with Cas. It may be like “insert appropriate transgressions here”. *shrugs* The rest of the ep supports the parallel, so I’m going with this for now. Broad strokes are a thing)

I hate you. I hate you... and I love you... because I, I can’t help it. You’re Cas... and I understand.. and I have made deals to save the ones I love.. more than once. I forgive you. I forgive you.. for all of it... everything.

Dean: On the other side of this, we can start over. I need you to look at me, I need you to see me.

So there it is(probably). That’s why Dean didn’t say “I love you” back. He doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings. Cas’ actions have made him upset just like Mary’s have. He still loves her even after everything, and he still loves Cas, but he doesn’t know what to do about everything else. Mary and Cas both kept ditching and tricking him. Him being upset and confused makes sense.

After Ketch is killed and Mary and Dean start talking again. She says she does want to start over, she does want to make things better and she explains why she’s been running off and working with the BMoLs and everything. Cas sort of almost did this in 12.19, but not entirely. They’ve both been running away to make up for their transgressions at the expense of the people they love, as they have both been unable to forgive themselves. Yay for Mary and the writers for giving Dean an example of using his words and taking responsibility that ends in a direct good outcome. Enforced narrative for the win. Sam got one in the ep as well with leading the hunters against the BMoLs. It made me happy.

Ok, now that Mary and Cas are almost completely entangled, let’s take them to the finale.

The nephilim opens a tear in reality because reasons and we get to see an apocalypse where Bobby is weirdly still alive. I took it though, because I like Bobby. Oh yay, it’s the end of Mary’s s5... and guess where she ends up.. Mary carries the old ways remember? And where did the old ways get Sam in s5?

We get a big bunch of buildup with Mary taking Cas’ place soothing Kelly, me being really uncomfortable by Kelly's lines, Sam, Cas and Dean failing to kill Luci, Crowley going all heroic sacrifice and taking just long enough for Cas to get in.

Then we have the ending with Cas apparently dead, Dean staring up into the sky for help like Mary did with John and Mary getting pulled into the “cage” with Lucifer, just like Sam did in s5. Mary is paralleled with everyone this season, but especially Cas. Because this is the finale, all of those parallels have to merge in some way. Sam followed Mary into the BMoLs because he wanted to go the easy way and not lead, or have to deal with responsibility, Dean follows Mary in that he basically was Sam’s mother and he also carries her fears of the future and self doubt, Cas is the themes of the show and carries the potential for a better way. His arc this season basically fits into hers. This season enforces that agency and responsibility are essential.

We can pretty much infer than in some way or another Cas will be ok. Cas’ life is uncertain and so is Mary’s. Luci’s eyes glow just before the end, we don’t know what her fate was, but she’s almost certainly not dead. Dean also never walks back inside to meet back up with Sam. We end the season with him kneeling in front of Cas’ body. That holds some meaning in tv land and this show likes to start seasons up pretty close to the end of the previous season unless they use a time skip. Please don’t use a timeskip SPN, that is what is called retreading and you don’t want that. Death in media is usually about getting over or accepting, or understanding, or whatevering a death unless it holds some symbolic meaning.. which Cas only holds alive at this point. We already know what Dean grieving Cas looks like. We don’t need it again. No retreads.

Will Michael or God, or Jack come and save both Cas and Mary? Dunno, but next season will likely have something to do with universe hopping(and possibly human!cas) to find Mary... and maybe Cas. I’m hoping they just un-dead Cas right away though, because the alternative is annoying to me, but whatever. As long as OG Cas returns within a reasonable amount of time, I’ll deal.

[msmovingforward]

A Heartfelt Pology: RHONJ S11 E7

We open, as per usual, with scenes from the previous week. The only thing I really noticed was how shocked Marge looked when Teresa told her about Evan in episode 1, which leads me to believe that she truly hadn’t heard the rumor before, and Joe Benigno truly did “mess up his words,” (as he always does).

The episode proper picks up exactly where we left off last week. Teresa storms back into Dolores and Frank’s Shore house, and we’re shown a flashback of Teresa telling Jackie to shove the dildo up her ass. Melissa exclaims that this is bull shit because she wasn’t even born into this dysfunctional family, then for the first of many times this episode, she follows Teresa into the house to see if Melissa can at least be useful for keeping the other Housewives on camera. Has anyone else noticed this? Melissa is not letting ANYONE get away with storming away on the job. If she can’t have her own storyline, I can at least appreciate that she’s the glue holding these women responsible for tearing each other apart.

Obviously, Teresa doesn’t want to talk to Melissa, so Joe Gorga ventures to the bathroom Teresa locked herself into, where Teresa tells him to fuck himself and insists that he kick Jackie out of his and Melissa’s Shore house, or else he’s the WORST BROTHER EVER! In a confessional, Joe once again brings up that Teresa never defended him when Joe Giudice was putting out articles trashing Joe Gorga’s name.

Jackie is completely confused at this point, and decides that she should probably find someone else to yell at. She settles on Joe Benigno and Marge, saying Joe is an asshole for bringing the rumors up at boys night. Margaret has a mini freak out, saying that she defended Jackie to the “fucking core.”

Jackie responds, “Why is everyone yelling at me?! What the fuck did I do?!” Well, let’s see, you said on camera that Teresa’s daughter is doing coke in the bathroom at parties (OK it was an analogy, but I googled it when she said it anyway, and guess what?! She’s a pretty young woman attending one of the nation’s largest party schools. I did coke in bathrooms a couple two, three times in college. So what?!), and you calculatedly asked Teresa if she had confidence in jail, when you know Teresa is basically a wombat with a learning disability stuffed with C4 next to a blow torch. You know what you did, Jackie, just like I think you might have known that you need a boating license to operate a boat! Jackie continues to play dumb poorly as Marge storms off.

Back inside, Melissa continues trying to get her hands in this fight by telling Margaret that Jackie is broken, and Margaret and Melissa need to help her by continuing to gaslight her.

Meanwhile, we cut to a flashback of Frank in confessional saying that, while they did talk about the Evan rumor at boys night, they don’t believe it, “And if we don’t believe it, who the fuck cares?” I hope everyone still remembers the golden rule that what happens at boys night stays at boys night from here on out. Just because there’s cameras there filming a reality television show that will be broadcast to millions of gays and women, doesn’t mean boys night isn’t sacred.

Jackie at this point is clearly extremely intoxicated, screaming that she’s everyone’s punching bag and that she needs to know that all her friends aren’t talking about her behind her back. Finally Dolores, Marge, and Joe Benigno are able to explain to her that the conversation got back to her wrong because Jen was being a shit stirrer, and Teresa is a moron. Jackie and Margaret hug, and Margaret says in confessional that the only one to blame for the whole mess is Teresa.

Teresa comes out from the bathroom and confronts Joe Gorga on the back deck, saying he doesn’t stick up for his sister. Melissa inserts herself yet again, saying Teresa needs to tell Jackie the whole fight between the two of them is over and accuses Teresa of being a sick bitch because Teresa never defended Melissa and Joe Gorga against Joe Giudice when he was trashing their names and treating Teresa like dirt. Melissa runs toward the table and picks up a giant bowl of cheese cubes and slams it down, spilling pepper jack everywhere! The main thing I was confused about was this method of serving cheese on a hot, humid night and in the middle of the actual dinner, nonetheless! Cheese is an amuse-bouche! Melissa immediately apologizes and starts sweeping the cheese off the floor. Now it’s Joe Gorga’s turn to have a freak out. His color switches from that of a large kiwi to a red apple, and he slams his T-Rex arms down on the table, saying that his wife is “100% right. 1,000%!” He says if it weren’t for Joe Giudice, his mother would not be in a grave right now. Melissa is now trying to calm Joe down, saying that it wouldn’t have happened if Jen could just hold her tongue. Somewhere in there, and for any number of reasons, Teresa screams that Melissa is a fucking bitch. At this point, Dolores comes outside, saying that this fight needs to stop here because that’s what Nonno would have wanted. I love how this whole thing is essentially about something that Joe Benigno actually DID say, and no one fights over the fact that Teresa just called Melissa a fucking bitch.

In a confessional, Joe Gorga explains yet again how Joe Giudice “killed” his parents and took time away from his sister. (Personally, I felt safer when I knew Teresa was behind bars, and I live hundreds of miles away, in Massachusetts, but I digress). We’re shown more flashbacks of calls from jail, etc.

Frank points out that Joe Gorga is allowing Joe Giudice to do this to him again. Joe Gorga, Melissa, and Teresa hug it out, and Melissa tells Teresa that Teresa knows Melissa loves her, but I can see the contempt in Melissa’s eyes as she goes in for the embrace. Joe Gorga tells Teresa she needs to squash the situation with Jackie, and Teresa says that she just doesn’t function that way. Teresa barely functions at all, if we’re going to really analyze that...

Melissa, Joe Gorga, Joe Benigno, Margaret, and Jackie leave Dolores’s Shore house. In the kitchen, Teresa says she’s still upset about Jackie’s jail comment, saying that Jackie “throws daggers.” Meanwhile, in the van, Joe Gorga reassures Jackie that the whole things is over because he spoke to Teresa.

When Melissa, Joe Gorga, Joe Benigno, Margaret, and Jackie arrive back at Melissa’s house, Jackie calls Evan and just generally throws more shade at Teresa while she narcissistically asserts herself as the complete victim in the situation, having done ABSOLUTELY nothing to deserve this. Joe Gorga ices his wrist after his run in with the patio furniture at Dolores’s, and Joe Benigno says that he hopes Joe Gorga didn’t fracture his wrist. It’s Target patio furniture for god’s sake! It would probably break if you tried to crack an egg on it! Evan insists on coming to the Shore the following day, even though Jackie begs him not to, but the two agree they will leave if things get heated between them and Teresa.

Back in Dolores’s kitchen, Teresa insists that Jackie doesn’t have a heart. Dolores implores Teresa to apologize to Jackie, but Teresa insists that she already has. Dolores says that Jackie thinks Teresa is a bad person, and Teresa needs to prove Jackie wrong.

Melissa and Joe Gorga are in bed, and they both agree that they need to shut it down if things get out of hand the next day at their gathering. In the other room, Margaret tells Joe Benigno that Teresa only brought up the rumor at dinner to hurt Jackie. Back in the Gorgas’ bed, Joe tells Melissa that he can’t go back to the way things were with the old family drama. Melissa expresses optimism that Evan will come over, and they will squash everything.

The next morning Teresa and Dolores are getting ready together in the bathroom, and Dolores says that she heard a lot of vibrating coming from Teresa’s room the previous night. Teresa reveals that she was having trouble sleeping.

At the Gorgas’, Melissa is slicing what appears to be Spam, and preparing eggs for Joe to make their guests omelets. Everyone remember now, “NO SALT ON THE MARGE’S FOOD!” (Just Spam, which is like 800% sodium!) We’re shown a flashback of the night before of Joe Gorga calling Teresa and begging her to just apologize to Jackie, and we’re shown a flashback within a flashback of Teresa insisting that she will never apologize. Joe seems confident that Teresa will do the the right thing, though.

Teresa talks to her daughter Gabriella on the phone. She’s getting a pedicure. SNORE!

Teresa tells Dolores and Jen that Teresa is going to propose she and Jackie start fresh. Dolores says in a confessional that she understands Teresa’s outbursts because look at Teresa’s marriage to Joe Giudice. We’re shown the clip of Joe Giudice calling Teresa a cunt once again. Bill arrives at Dolores’s house, and they all fill him in on the previous night’s events. Dolores makes a bunch of excuses for Teresa’s behavior, including that she’s stressed out from the divorce and selling her home. Bill tells Jen that she has a great ass, and I’m left to wonder if he’s actually admiring his wife, or the surgical work he’s done on her body.

Back at Melissa’s, Jen gives Bill a massage with her new vibrator on his shoulders and back and tells Bill about how Teresa told Jackie to stick the vibrator up her ass the night before. Bill reinforces the fact that what happens at boys night is supposed to stay at boys night in a confessional. IF WE REALLY EXAMINE THIS, BILL IS THE ONE WHO TOLD JEN THAT JOE BENIGNO SAID HE HAD HEARD THE RUMORS AT BOYS NIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE. Is Bill really the criminal mastermind here?

Dolores, Teresa, Jen, and Frank Catania arrive at the Gorgas’ pool and the dramatic music commences.

Teresa gives the following apology (or as Teresa would say, pology) to Jackie:

“Listen, Jackie, I don't. I didn't like the way things went down yesterday, and ya know... I.. I'm not tryin' to hurt you in any way. You or your family. Um, so just. Ya know. Can we just drop everything?”

Somehow this non-pology appeases Jackie, and sweet keyboard music is played, but the music soon turns to dramatic cello, as we see the reactions on everyone else’s faces. Jackie says that they can start over as long as Teresa also gives Evan a non-pology face-to-face. Teresa begrudgingly agrees, but questions Jackie’s home training. Teresa is of the opinion that the wife should always be the one to smooth things like this over.

Melissa gives everyone a tour of her Shore house, which is literally so cold-looking, so white, and so empty. She talks about what the Shore has always meant to her and Joe’s relationship, and how proud she is to have this second home now. I know I’m not saying anything ground breaking here, but I don’t believe for a second that Joe and Melissa own this home. This is absolutely another case of a rental property for television. Why would they need a seven bedroom house in Toms River?! If I sign up for grow with Gorga, can I have a house like this too?!

Evan arrives and very politely hugs Teresa. Teresa gives yet another half-assed apology. “ I'm sorry about like... like everything that ya know. Like everything that went down, and I would never wanna do anything to hurt you guys in any way.“ 

In confessional, Marge says it was one of the weakest apologies she’s ever heard, but coming from Teresa, it’s a “frickin’ miracle.”

Joe Gorga congratulates Teresa for apologizing, and says they will never go back to how things used to be between her family and his.

Jackie shows Evan to their room. Evan says that he’d already moved on from the situation with Teresa without a pology, and he reveals that he’s already made three bowl movements that morning. Jackie says she is jealous of Evan’s colon health.

The crew all take wave runners and boats out in the ocean, and Jen reveals that it reminds her of being pimped out by her mother when she was younger in Turkey, sitting in cafes, waiting for potential husbands, being told to shut up and smile because a good husband would never want to marry a woman who speaks.

Jackie and Teresa are suddenly getting along famously on the boat, and Jackie confesses that Teresa’s Jekyll and Hyde tendencies baffle her.

Takeout arrives, and over lunch Teresa talks about how her vibrator helps her sleep because “It releases dorphins or somethin’.” Jen stirs the pot, saying that she had never seen Margaret as mad at Joe Benigno as she was the night prior. Marge defends herself, saying it was unnecessary for Jen to bring the rumors up in the first place at dinner. Jen reminds Marge that Teresa was actually the one who brought it up, but Marge continues to place the blame on Jen, saying Jen was the one who told Teresa to begin with. Jen again claims that Margaret is shooting the messenger. (I love when the Housewives learn a new colloquialism, and they use it incessantly for like four straight episodes). Margaret says that Jen was starting shit purposely to hurt someone. Jackie chimes in, saying that Jen did keep the fight going.

Joe Gorga says in a confessional that he just CAN’T BELIEVE this drama is coming up again! This is so not the way classy ladies like his wife and his wife’s friends usually act. There simply must be a gas leak or something in their rental homes! 

The men take their cue to exit, pursued by a bear, as the following argument between the Marge and Jen begins:

Marge: You're shit starting.

Jen: I am not shit starting!

Marge: I have the right to my opinion.

Jen: As do I. As do I.

The men sit by the bar and discuss how unbelievable all this drama is. Women are stupid, bro. Good thing they got boobs. Amiright?! 

Jen: I mean. I just thought the way you treated your husband last night. That was embarrassing.

There’s a sonic boom sound effect.

Marge: THE WAY I TREATED MY HUSBAND LAST NI--

Jen: You talked so down to him.

We’re shown a flashback of Marge yelling at Joe B the night before.

Marge: Let me fuckin' tell you somethin'! I am gonna tell you something. Don't ever get in between myself and my husband. The way you behave in front of your husband. You embarrass your entire family.

We’re then shown a flashback to Jackie drunkenly faceplanting onto Teresa’s patio, as someone tries to hold her up by her bikini strings, looking like Pinocchio just left the methadone clinic.

Marge: I think you are a sloppy drunk. That's the way you wanna behave, and you think that's upstanding behavior.

Jen: You told us sloppy moments that you've had. You slept with your boss...

Another sonic boom. Dolores gasps.

Marge: Such a douchebag. I'm sloppy. I slept with my boss as a young girl.

Marge (Confessional): Sleeping with my boss was not a sloppy moment. It was an older man in a position of power taking advantage of me, a young girl.

Marge: Do you see what kind of person you are? You take something when I revealed an intimate moment.

Marge and Jen then argue about the fine line between sloppy and vulnerable, while back at the men’s table, Joe Gorga says he can hear Margaret yelling, and Joe Benigno says admiringly, “Yeah, she’s got good lungs.”

Marge: You know why I never fight with your husband? Because he's your fuckin' meal ticket for your whole fuckin' family. You know what? I can't stomach her. Pathetic!

Marge storms back indoors, and Melissa follows, again trying to milk this moment for every possible second of camera time.

Back at the bar, the men astutely observe that meals bring out the worst in their wives, as we’re shown flashbacks to several disastrous dinner and lunchtime fights. Evan says he doesn’t understand why the women don’t just eat protein bars instead of meals and move on.

Inside the house Marge tells Melissa that Jen is a concubine, while outside, Jen tells Dolores that she doesn’t like Marge’s opinion. Dolores asks Jen if she’s ever going to learn her lesson about saying things out lout that she’s unsure whether or not they’re true. Melissa says that just because she threw a bowl of cheese the night before, doesn’t mean they can’t start fresh and be classy today.

In a confessional, Jen says, “I am a social Drinker. I'm not an alcoholic. Ok? Don't project what you went through with your mother on me.” These are fighting words. I have a feeling Jen is in for it from the Marge, who’s “bringing her A-game all day” now. I can’t wait for this bloodbath. It shall be a tragedy bloodier than Macbeth, or at least the Macbeth collection, available at Bed Bath and Beyond.

Teresa, Jen, and Dolores return to Dolores’s house, and Joe starts doing pullups, which thank god because for a second I had forgotten that Joe Gorga is in fact a male with a penis and bro code and muscles and protein shakes, bro.

I have to admit, these Jersey episodes flow like butter this season. I was a little concerned when the episode started out so hot that it had blown its load too quickly, and we were just going to see boring family barbecues and healthy friendships blossoming, but I now fully cannot stand Jen, and I’m excited for the Marge’s retaliation next episode. Melissa says that she hopes dinner will be peaceful, but I certainly don’t, and as Evan pointed out, we’ve all seen what happens when these women get around a table with food on it.