#I did that kind of a long time ago so I'm not as invested now but still I sure would EAT Ingo and Josh content rn aksksksf

[an-au-blog]

a few days ago i saw a post about sanji cheating on gin with zoro, but I'll be completely honest, I don't think HE would be the one cheating. And this isn't even talking from my being a sanji enjoyer, I just think that if he's not 1000% invested in a relationship with a man, it would never get past a situationship. Not because of some moral high ground, he just doesn't care enough about it all. On the other hand GIN's the type of guy who's both deeply insecure and overly cocky if someone gives him an ounce of attention. (And I'm sorry to say this but,) usually it's the ugly ones that always think they can get away with cheating. (As Billie Eilish said: give an ugly guy a chance and he thinks he owns the world.)

So here's my spin on this love triangle:

Sanji had been courted for a while by Gin. He never saw him more than the occasional fling. But Gin seemed so enamored with Sanji, he was promising him the moon, he would worship him like it would be his last day on earth, he would show an overwhelming love that Sanji never thought he deserved. It made him feel good. And surely enough, after a long pursuit, Sanji found himself catching feelings and agreed to be his boyfriend.

When that happened after that was that two strong emotions were stirred inside Gin as absolute truths. 1. He was on top of the world because, how could he not? He managed to bag the guy that not only hot girls like Viola and O-Some liked, but guys like Ace and Zoro had been eyeing. Which brought him to 2. Most of the people who had tried to flirt with Sanji were a worry, but the worst one yet was Zoro. See, Zoro was not only objective attractive and in love with Sanji, but also one of his inner circle of friends. And even worse: they were quite close.

So when he got so jealous to the point where he sought out comfort on the bottom of a bottle, he felt it was justified. More than that: when he found his way into someone else's bed, it was completely justified. Of course he loved Sanji so SO much but that was exactly why he cheated. He just knew for a fact that Sanji MUST HAVE cheated AT LEAST with Zoro, right? I mean, how could he not? Plus, it wasn't like the cheating incident would happen again, it was a one time slip up. Except that it wasn't a one time slip up. No. Gin never got caught and thought that was some kind of a sign that he must have underestimated himself before. He found himself more confident, and therefore more attractive to some people. The "some people" who ended up in bed with him over and over again.

But like everything finds its end, so did Gin's luck. It was a mess and ugly breakup. Gin denied, pleaded, and screamed in anger. Sanji refused to listen, tried to get out as fast as he could, and ended up kicking Gin's nose in when he started yelling at him.

"It's not like I'm the only cheater here! Yeah, I know you're probably fucking Roronoa on the side, I've seen the way he looks at you-" profanities followed, much too vulgar for me to write, knowing fully how utterly false they all were.

Sanji furrowed his brows. "I never cheated. But now that we're over, I might actually need a friendly shoulder."

Gin was a mox of pale fear and red with rage.

"How does it feel to know you pushed me into his arms?" He didn't wait for an answer before he left.

And when he left, he found himself just where Gin feared he would. He didn't have any actual intentions on going to Zoro but now that Gin said it... the marimo really WAS always there for him, wasn't he? And he was the most loyal and honest man Sanji knew. He was actually convinced that the man couldn't keep a secret or lie to save his life. Sanji needed something real for once.

Before Zoro could ask why angrily crying Sanji was at his door, Sanji asked "Are you in love with me?"

Zoro gaped like a fish out of water before averting his eyes with a sour expression. "Uh... I... damn it curls..."

It was all the answer Sanji needed before he flung himself onto the man. Adorning him with kisses and straddling him midair. Knocking into walls and furniture making their way into the bedroom.

Zoro there Sanji onto the bed, watching him getting undressed. "What... what about Gin."

"We're done."

Zoro found that pride of being a rebound was lacking in the face of being with the man he had been in love with for so long.

Sanji's phone buzzed and pinged with calls, messages and voicemail from the floor, but then again, neither of them heard anything past the noise they were already making.

At some point afterwards, Zoro picked it up and saw the manic messages. He couldn't help but gloat. He sent a picture and captioned it "don't be a sour loser" before blocking him. (Sanji found out but couldn't find it in him to be upset in the slightest.)

[cheesecake801]

Here's a mix of new and old submas doodles !

The 2nd one is @choochooboss Cha!Ingo, if you're not familiar with him PLEASE CHECK THIS SHORT COMIC, you won't regret

This one is OLD and UNFINISHED but it's Ingo and @nartothelar Josh (poor guy he's the unfinished one I didn't do him justice), I....I just wanted to draw them after reading THIS OOOGH, it's what made me invested in every of Ingo and Josh's interactions (lowkey shipping them now alslkd XDD)

Alriiight that's all for nooow (technically didn't ask for permission to draw Cha!Ingo and Josh, I figured it was okay since I saw other people do it ?? But ! If not PLEASE TELL ME PLEASE)

[zarla-s]

I just read your TF2 bot post and I’m fascinated. It has left me with a few questions though. Why/how were bots a problem for so long? What was the main incentive for botting (is it botting or boting??) Was it just to be an asshole? What’s your favorite baked good? Have a lovely day and don’t worry about answering my questions if you’re not in the mood :]

The bots were a problem for so long because Valve just didn't care, sorry to say. They just let it happen. I'm not sure when they started coming in in force, maybe after the Jungle Inferno update like six years ago? But they just kept pouring in and Valve just ignored it. It's really shameful how bad they let it get, honestly. They just kept putting out community updates like nothing was wrong.

Eventually after a lot of community pressure a year ago (#savetf2) they tweeted saying they were aware of the problem and then nothing happened. Then there was ANOTHER community movement this June (#fixtf2), and THEN at the end of June they ACTUALLY did something, which is why everyone was so shocked and skeptical at the time. Like the bots got so bad, it's hard to get across just how bad it got if you weren't playing at the time. It was bad. To suddenly go from that to totally bot-free was unbelievable. Frankly I'm still shocked they're gone! No one knows why Valve's acting now or how they're doing it (personally, I think they must have been working on these anti-bot measures for a while... maybe even since their initial tweet, but no one knows), but I hope they keep it up. I can finally teach people how to play in peace!

As for why they'd do this, yeah, it's just to be jerks. They just want to make people miserable. They have websites on Neocities you can find under the tf2 tag (I was looking through it for sites to link to my tf2 site) and they state themselves that they just like making people mad. I don't think they actually hate TF2 so much as they love the power rush from destroying something so famous that so many people love. Kind of a power-trip/control thing, with a dose of being desperate for attention. A lot of the more notorious bot hosters had twitters or youtube accounts where they invited people to rage at them uselessly, they loved it. They've also formed communities around botting and trolling people, so they have kind of a social investment in it (although they were quick to turn on each other when they suspected someone was a mole). Some of them sell their bot software or "bot immunity" for money but I think that was just pocket change, I don't think that was a real motivator.

After having free reign for so long, they reacted violently to the community movement in June. They were positive that nothing would happen to them, so they kept doing more and more outrageous things to prove it. They DDoS'd and DMCA'd the site for the petition multiple times, they doxxed and swatted one of the main bot fighters, they impersonated figureheads and posted illegal links to things, like they were really stepping over the line and gloating about it. They were extremely confident and to be fair, who could blame them? Valve's negligence let them get away with it for years. To suddenly have that power taken away from them without warning made them absolutely furious. They're still seething about it right now and plotting ways to get back in, but they haven't found one yet. It's a matter of pride for them at this point I think, that and a childish tantrum about not being able to ruin other people's fun anymore. Them targeting a baby game version of TF2 (TC2) also points to it being a power trip. If they can't ruin TF2 anymore then by god they've got to ruin SOMEthing!

Even now I'm not sure Valve can hold the line and I keep checking TF2 Casual every now and then to look for bots, haha. It's just hard to believe! I greatly enjoy hearing about bot hosters raging about it and suffering though, they deserve nothing less. Die mad about it!!!

In terms of baked goods though I like all kinds, although right now I'm thinking about brownies so I'll say that. |D

[thefreakandthehair]

(don't bother) calling me when you're sober | rating: m | wc: 1.5k

content warnings: future fic, parental alcoholism ("falling off the wagon"), past parental neglect, minor character death (i've committed wayne crimes i'm so sorry but it's not shown, just mentioned), emotional hurt/comfort, ends on a happy, hopeful note despite the tags

“My dad called.” 

Eddie walks into the room, pinched eyebrows and flared nostrils lit up by the multicolored Christmas lights they string on the tree every year, one hand balled into a fist. The reaction  wouldn’t surprise Steve so much if this happened years ago, when Al Munson was still living in the bottom of a bottle of Jack, but now? 

It’s been eighteen years since he’d gotten sober, nineteen years since his last stint at Hawkins County, and fifteen years since making a genuine attempt to right the wrongs of Eddie’s childhood and build a relationship with his son. 

Fifteen years after Eddie let him in, let him try, let him earn Eddie’s trust. 

Fifteen years is a long time and to see Eddie so vitriolic in the doorway of their apartment’s living room— hands shaking, body shaking— Steve knows something must’ve gone wrong. 

“What happened?” Steve asks, standing from the couch and meeting Eddie where he stands, holding the hand not curled tightly around itself. 

“He’s drunk. He called, and he was drunk.” 

Steve’s chest pulls tight, his heart racing. What does someone say to that? What can someone say to assuage that kind of deep anger, pain, and betrayal? His thoughts are scattered as they try to make sense of what Eddie just said, and he’s even more grateful now that Ronnie wanted a sleepover with Aunt Robin tonight. 

“Eddie, fuck. I’m so— ” Before he can finish his thought, Eddie leans back against the doorframe, ripping his hand out of Steve’s and tangling his fingers in his hair, tugging. 

“How could he? How fucking could he?!” Eddie bellows, eyes squeezed shut. “He knew! He knew that if he ever did this again, I’d be done. For good. For forever. And he did it anyways! After eighteen fucking years!” 

His eyes fly open and Steve stands still and nods him on. There are just no words to fix this, and trying for the sake of filling the silence has never served him well.

“He did it anyway! Two days before fucking Christmas, a week before the anniversary of—” He chokes and cuts himself off. 

He knows what Eddie was going to say. A week before the anniversary of Wayne’s death. It’s been on his mind, too, of course. On his mind and in their conversations over breakfast with eccentric mugs of coffee, over the tangled lights that Wayne could always figure out. The year hasn’t been the kindest to them, particularly Eddie, and Steve wants to protect Eddie as much as he can from whatever he can. 

But he can’t shield him from this. Al Munson skips to the top of his shitlist.

“That son of a bitch!” Eddie rams his fist sideways against the door jam, leaving a sharp, red mark along his pinky. “He promised, and I believed him. Why the fuck did I believe him, Steve?”

Steve takes a step closer and grabs both of Eddie’s hands, carefully soothing the angry mark. “It’s been almost twenty years, babe. Trusting him with so much time invested makes sense. Hell, I did, too.” 

“I’m— I’m in my 30s, hurt and angry about the same shit I was hurt and angry about as a fucking kid. All the nights I slept in the backseat of the car because he blew his money at the bar, all the car accidents and court appearances and jail time, all the mornings I missed school because he didn’t know what fucking day it was,” Eddie rants, stopping to take a breath before picking back up, Steve’s own heart cracking and raging the more he speaks. 

“And every time he’d get sober, he’d always promise. He’d promise it would be the last time, and it never was. Not once could he choose his fucking son and I didn’t understand it then, but now that we have Ronnie, I understand it even less. If I was sick enough to walk away from her, I’d walk my happy ass to the nearest fucking rehab. I get that it’s a disease, I get it, I get it, I get it. But I can’t— I can’t do it again. Not this time. Eighteen years just down the fucking drain because of his company’s holiday party? How can I ever believe him again? Or trust him again?” 

Eddie’s voice grows raspier, breath shallow and quick, eyes watery. “Every time this happened when I was a kid, I always had Wayne. He’s the only person who really got it, y’know? The only one who lived it with me and now, I don’t even have him. My dad’s drunk, slurring his way through who fucking knows what on the phone, and no one else can fully understand the magnitude of what that feels like for me.” 

He squeezes his eyes shut again and drops forward toward Steve, forehead on his shoulder and arms loosely hung around Steve’s waist. Steve still doesn’t have words that bandage this up, but he knows how to show his husband love in other ways. Ways that, over the years, have become a language all their own. Steve pulls him in tight, one hand near his waist, the other cradling the back of his head. Fingers slide carefully beneath the hem of Eddie’s tee-shirt and rub little, repetitive circles into the small of Eddie’s back while he cards his other hand through Eddie’s hair, scratching his scalp and holding him to his chest to feel the rhythm of Steve’s own heartbeat until his breath returns to a steady pace. 

It’s only then that Steve speaks. 

“I don’t know what to say, Ed. It’s fucked up, and if you want to me like, hit him with my car, you know I’m game.” Steve feels Eddie laugh— just a few puffs of air through his nose but it’s a laugh all the same. “But I’m here, and we’re gonna figure it out, okay? Whatever you decide to do, we’ll do it together.”

Eddie nods and lets himself be led to the couch, Steve tucking Eddie into his side and pulling the afghan up over them. 

“I never want to be what Al was to me to our daughter,” Eddie whispers, not looking away from the tree. 

“Well, you’re ahead of the game, because she’s already older than you were when he started hitting the bottle hard. And I know there’s the genetic piece to it that everyone talks about, but nurture counts for a lot of who we become, too. Shit, I owe Joyce Byers a huge thank you for being more of a parent to me than my own were because she’s probably the reason I didn’t turn out like Dick Harrington. Ronnie’s never going to have an Al Munson in her life, because you weren’t raised by Al Munson. That’s not whose legacy you’re passing down. You’re passing down love, not pain.” Steve presses a soft kiss to Eddie’s temple and feels his whole body sag into him. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Eddie’s voice is quiet now, a far cry from his earlier venomous edge. 

Silence nestles onto the couch with them, a comfortable addition, as they watch the basketball game Steve had on before Eddie told him about the phone call. Watch is a loose description, actually. They're more just looking at a moving, flashing screen. 

“My hand really hurts, by the way,” Eddie announces, holding up the hand he’d used to punch the doorjam. “That was fucking dumb.”

“Maybe a little bit, but I get it,” Steve untucks a hand from beneath the blanket and outstretches his palm. “Lemme see?”

Eddie plops his hand into Steve’s and Steve takes a look, mentally working down the check list he’s memorized from his decade plus of EMT work. No obvious breaks, nothing looks crooked, Eddie’s able to move each finger and flex his hand without severe pain. 

“If anything, it’s just gonna be bruised tomorrow. But I’ll fix it,” Steve grins and lifts Eddie’s fist to his lips, carefully kissing each knuckle and paying a little extra attention to the pinky that delivered most of the blow. 

“I’m so in love with you, Steve.” Eddie rests his temple on Steve’s shoulder. “You know that, right?” 

“I know,” Steve agrees, chest fluttering despite the circumstances. “And I’m in love with you, too. You know that, right?”

Eddie snuggles in and wraps Steve up, full koala, as though he’s trying to get as close as possible without actually cracking Steve open and climbing inside of him. 

“Definitely.”

The next morning, Aunt Robin brings Ronnie home and together, they decorate the gingerbread cookies that only vaguely look like people but are good enough to pass for a seven year old. Halfway through, Eddie’s cell phone rings and the caller I.D. reads Al. Steve watches, worried that Eddie’s going to answer in the middle of their decorating. That he’ll forget Ronnie’s having the time of her life, and that in his righteous indignation, Eddie will leave the table to go fight and argue.

There’s so much to be said, and Steve wouldn’t blame him, but he breathes a sigh of relief when Eddie simply declines the call and sets about pouring more edible glitter onto his design with a smile down at their daughter. 

[ask-nurse-curly]

as stated in the updated pinned post, we are diverging from the canon roleswap timeline starting nnnnnnnow :) ask boxes are open again!

[ Transcript under the cut ]

Hey Curly, I just wanted to check in with you. Things have been a little weird recently with this nearby satellite..

Are you doing okay?

Hey Captain!

Funny business, isn't it? I don't think we've ever had anything like this happen before.

It's okay, though. Sometimes I kind of want to follow Daisuke's example, but most people are nice.

What about you, everything alright on your end?

Me too, there's just so much going on at all times, haha.

Everything is mostly alright. I've got nice people, but some of them.. They're just getting under my skin. I should probably put the phone down.

How bad is it? My worst has been spam messages, mostly. Did you know the Halcyon colonies are reopening admission?

Makes you wonder why they need new people so soon after launch.

Oh yeah! I don't think I'm going to take their offer, I'm pretty content with Earth.

As for the messages.. I don't know. Some of them are just.. Mean, I guess. I don't want you to worry about it, I can handle it, it's just frustrating.

Have you gotten any fun messages though? I got one not that long ago asking about how I felt being a pilot, it was a nice question.

'Mean'? I'm sure you know that sounds worrisome. Are you okay?

Ah, I can't even remember all of them! There is this Martian scientist who gave me the scoop of planetary warfare amongst their kind, someone who is very intent on educating me about possums, and I even reconnected with someone from my med school years, that was pretty wild. Also someone from an actual gunship patched into our frequency, apparently their surname is the same as yours? Do you know a Hideo?

I'm really fine, if I couldn't handle a few weirdos, I wouldn't be on this ship lol

But.. That's very interesting. I don't know if I have any familiar faces on my end, so consider me jealous of you. I can't say that I know a Hideo? Should I?

Now who are you calling a weirdo? :-)

I don't know if you should! If it's a coincidence then certainly an amusing one, guess Musumes are just made to be captains. :-)

Maybe so.. I'll have to start a club then, Captain Musume club.

And I would NEVER call you a weirdo, Nurse Curly, never ever......

Uh huh. I believe you.

:-)

What is weird is just...how much some of these people seem to know. I wonder if our phones were hacked into somehow? Do you think I should be worried about my Meeboo subscription at this rate?

I feel like I should be more shocked but with how much of our data gets sold off and leaked on a daily basis, I can't find myself to be horrified.

You should definitely worry about your Meeboo subscription though.

...Fair point.

Well, if my streaming services are what takes the brunt of exposure, I suppose I could live with that.

Do you think that's how they found out about your nurses calendar? If that's even a real thing.. Did you ever model for a nursing calendar? Lol

Haha!

No, god no. I could never. Can you imagine me in a pin-up calendar? That would be bonkers.

No, I was just joking. I guess the very nature of their, uh, request was too much for my English sensibilities, so I turned to my trusty defence mechanism honed by generations of haughty stuck-ups.

...How did you know about that?

Well we certainly love a modest king..

I was told about it by one of the messages I got, I didn't know if it was true or not but I guess my curiosity was piqued. Sorry, it was inappropriate to ask.

Oh god, are they still harassing you about me? I'm so sorry.

They are strangely...invested.

I hope it's not too much of a bother. And I doubly hope they cease soon.

I don't mind too terribly, I just feel bad talking about you when you're unaware. I certainly try to keep my answers vague so that I can maintain your privacy.

Truly, I don't know if I should be offended or relieved they ask me more about you than they do myself, haha!

I'd go for relieved! Or perhaps even flattered. They seem to think highly of your captaining skills. :-)

They do! I'm not sure how they know about THAT information, but I'll take what I can get!

I can't say i blame them, it's pretty obvious!

I mean

Crew ratings should be public access, right? Based on delivery reviews and stuff. Or could be if they weren't and got leaked too.

I definitely don't doubt that...

I don't know, they seem fairly invested in my love life as well. Which goes beyond the scope of simple work appraisal. I've been asked if I'm single, who my type is. I felt like I was filling out a dating application lol

Haha, funny that

You could lean into that too, if you wanted to, let them do all the legwork. It's worse than the Wild West on those apps sometimes.

I'm not trying to find someone through texting strangers, besides, it seems they already have my ideal love interest picked out for me. They're trying to cause trouble is what they're doing.

And how do you even know what those apps are like? Isn't that like.. Cheating for you?

Oh shoot. Er

It would be! It totally would be if. If I were still in a relationship.

Which I'm not. For the record.

In any case, not that I prowl those apps much, it's not really uh, worth it for me.

What? Since when are you not??

You were just talking about Marie before we took off. Unless.. Did you break up when we got service...?

Yeah, haha, turns out it's not always great when familiar faces text you, right?

But yeah, she... It's not easy, I guess, dating someone who isn't there for half a year at a time at least, you know?

It was kind of a long time coming, so. She just was the braver one out of the two of us to cut the cord.

Sorry, didn't mean to be a downer. It really is okay though. We're good, and. I think I've kind of went through the stages of grief back when we were still earthside.

So. Not a big deal.

I'm so sorry, Curly :( I wish you would've told me. I'm still here if you need to talk, okay? Breaking up sucks, even if you see it coming.

Oh no, I promise it's okay! It really, really is

I'm okay, it's not a big deal.

I mean, it would be, it

But it's not like

I didn't really

She maybe...didn't really...exist?

Curly what are you saying right now

I am a fool is what I'm saying :-(

I'm so sorry.

Any chance we could pretend I never said anything?

How are we supposed to do that? I don't even know what to say.

Why would you lie about that?

...Could we talk?

I mean, in person.

I'll explain everything, just

I'm afraid of how much of this might get exposed.

Please.

Yeah

Are you in the medbay? I'm on my way.

Yes.

Thank you.

[wilhelminyard]

part 3 of the foxes being brutally honest and insulting people to their faces because they are SAVAGES

NEIL :

"I figured he was an egocentric maniac who was so desperate for his own glory he refused to see the potential in anyone else"

"tell me you're not that stupid"

"I might have been a little more considerate if I'd known how stupid you are"

"you being an asshole at heart means I was right about your chances. you do understand by now that your cowardice is what's keeping you and andrew apart, right?"

"you're a spineless asshole. you let the world happen to you and don't bother to fight back. you let other people dictate how you can live your life and who you can spend your time with. remind me why you put up with your mother's abuse for so long. did you actually love her despite her madness, or were you just too afraid to walk away?"

"what do you think?" "I think fuck you"

"your false bravado helps no one" "neither does your cowardice"

"you already walked away from him once knowing what riko would do to him in your absence. don't do it again. if you don't protect him now, his death is on you"

"die free or die a failure. the choice is yours."

"I'd ask you how it feels but I guess you've always known what it's like to be second, you worthless piece of shit"

ANDREW :

"is your learning curve a horizontal line?"

"a privileged child like you has never seen the real world"

"I've had enough of your stupidity to last me a week"

"I'm volunteering my opinion" "don't. children should be seen and not heard"

"you're stupider than even I gave you credit for"

"you have a problem wherein you only invest your time and energy into worthless pursuits"

"you're a different kind of suicidal. didn't you figure that out in december? you're bait. you're the martyr no one asked for or wanted"

"I hope you two are miserable together"

WYMACK :

"anyone have ideas on how to make neil look a bit less like a battered wife?"

"I can't tell if you're being obtuse to fuck with me or if you're really that dumb."

"I need you to derail that one-track fucking mind of yours for two seconds"

"great. kevin's turning into another you. that's just what I needed."

"get washed up before your stench kills me"

KEVIN :

"we need you on the court but not if you're going to drag us down with you. in the shape you're in right now you'd be a complete waste of our time."

"even if you'd stepped it up when I told you to a year ago, you would have no chance of beating them. there is nothing at all you can do this late in the year. they are better than we are and they always will be"

"stop acting like a spoiled child"

"you've got a thing for controversial teams, I think, but I like this one much better than the last one" "they're mediocre at best but they're easier to get along with"

NICKY :

"do you get off on being such a debbie downer?"

AARON :

"it wasn't the drugs that made him crazy"

"I'm walking away and pretending I don't know you"

"I want to drink and pretend I don't know any of you"

MATT :

"good to see you're still fuck-all crazy"

"one of these days you have to let me hit kevin."

ALLISON :

"you are on messed-up child. you come by that naturally or did your parents do that to you?"

"seriously you guys? it's like you don't know us" "we try not to"

RENEE :

"I tried taking you off his hands at one point. andrew refused on the grounds he wouldn't wish you on anyone except a mortician"

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - The Industry is Having Issues But the Spice Spicy Must Flow

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

March 2024 Wk 4

Ongoing Series - Thai

Two Worlds (Thurs IQIYI) eps 1-2 of 10 - One of those "he's dead Jim so time travel" thingames starring MaxNat. I'm over this concept but I do enjoy MaxNat. Phupha (Gun) and Khram (Nat) love each other but Phupha is murdered. Then Khram is pulled to a parallel world where, years ago, Khram and Tai (Max) were in love. However, Khram was killed by Tai’s dad. Now Tai finds alter-Khram. But then there is ALSO an alter-Phupha to deal with. (Phupha is played by Gun Thanawat who was Khom, the repressed butler bodyguard from Unforgotten Night. We like this, but we scared of the love triangle aspect.) Did that make sense? Yeah, okay, see what I mean?

Initial thoughts?

The subs are troubling but I’m enjoying this show a lot. It’s nice to see MaxNat get something meaty to sink their teeth into - that’s not just each other. Also it’s so smart of them to give us a fully fleshed out entire episode developing the alter romance rather than just a separation + death. It makes Khram’s grief and motivation that much more believable. Also it’s really nice to see Nat have good chemistry with other actors. 

Deep Night (Thurs iQiyi) ep 3 of 8 (10?) - I'm still enjoying it. But Two Worlds is objectively better. So this one has lost ranking. Also, unexpectedly chili (the name of my heavy metal Thai cover band).

Lovey switchy and verse main couple too.

This is all quite pleasing.

The bit where the hosts pretend to be a BL couple actor ship was epic on so many levels.

Also unsettling.

All sex work is performative, and in a way there is something more honest about this depiction, in this setting, than what BL actors are made to do on the promo circuit. Which then begs the question, how different is BL from sex work? That's the unsettling bit, for me anyway. Not to slam on sex work AT ALL, we pro-the-true-pros on this damn blog, but actors have been shaded by association with True Professionals for a very long time and BL has already had one epic shut down in this regard. (See the PerthSaint scandal around Love By Chance, no I will not explain.) Where was I? Oh yes, so anyway, see the Gossip section for the part where they better be paid either way!

Also, since I'm a warped fucker, I found this scene funny.

And then hilarious when all of those BL tropes were just trotted out. Like a greatest hits reel.

Truly beyond meta. (How Absolute BL of them.)

Note he’s even standing in yaoi's patented "hands in pocket with the shoulders back"? 

Meanwhile, the gayest bridge in Thailand made its quarterly appearance:

And lip serviced was paid to the most touristy romantic things you can do in Bangkok.

And I mean lip service literally. 

To Be Continued (Thai C3 Thailand grey) ep 5 of 8 - I’m still enjoying it but getting more and more nervous. We getting too close to Promise territory for comfort. EXPLAIN Ji’s reticence well and do it now or risk audience mistrust. We have to be given a GOOD reason for Ji's behavior, or he'll be irredeemable.

City of Stars (Fri iQIYI) ep 8 of 12 - NO SINGING. Yes smiley kisses and good communication and a nice healthy relationship. But no singing!

1000 Years Old ep 6 of 12 - Dropping in the ranks. I’m sorry it’s just gotten boring. It has, however, inspired me to invest in my own ridiculous cream fuzzy sweater. Which I plan to wear with leather trousers and huge stumpy boots, like the Kpop queer I truly am. Or do I mean vampire? 

Kiseki Chapter 2 (Sun iQIYI) ep 1 of 6 - Seems to be an excuse for a small posse of Thai actors to wander around Tokyo playing tourist and sing in public . Someone stop them?

“Most people think this kind of thing is bad manners .”

Anyway, it’s v boring. I’ll give it one more ep but I suspect I’ll DNF.

Close Friend Season 3: Soju Bomb! (Weds iQIYI) eps 1-2 of 6 - Meh. This is also looking suspiciously DNF-a-licious.  

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Unknown (Taiwan Tues Youku YouTube & Viki) ep 5 of 11 - It's brilliant. I love it. I'm ready to hurt. Let’s do this thing. 

Distribution note: This one has been picked up and is also airing on Viki now, so it may lose YT distribution in soem territories. I like Youku's hard subs better than Viki's subs, but that's a matter of preference not information since I don't speak Mandarin.

Love is Better the Second Time Around AKA Koi wo Suru nara Nidome ga Joto (Japan Weds Gaga) ep 3 of 6 - It is good. Every week I like this show a little more. I'm enjoying a reunion romance explored in Japan's quintessentially contemplative yet slightly surreal way. The juxtaposition of the tenderness of the sex scene with this Japanese brand of authenticity was oddly elegant - for lack of a better way of putting it. All in all, this is a good show. Thought provoking. Stylish.

AntiReset (Taiwan Fri Viki/Gaga) ep 9 of 10 - It remains lovely but they sure are reusing a lot of footage. Also, this was a classic penultimate doom episode. I do wonder how they are going to resolve this show ethically.

My Strawberry Film (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 6 of 8 - It is what it is, and it isn’t my style of show no matter what country of origin. Oddly that's one of the reasons I don't like it. Anyone could have made this, it's not as Japanese as I want it to be, it's just indie film club high school angst. Yawn.

I watched it, finally

The Servant and the Young Master (Vietnam YouTube) 7 eps - I dislike vertical filming, but I kind of enjoyed this show as a BL. I like class conflict romances. For me the rich kid is a bit too dictatorial (edges into bulling), but it’s kinda works. It’s sparse and underdeveloped and a bit plotless, but mildly entertaining. If you're missing Vietnamese BL you might give it a try. 6/10 

Began Beginning (Myanmar YouTube) 8eps - A Burmese BL that I had thoughts about but actually ended up recommending. Read the saga here:

It's done, ready to binge, but I suck

What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) 10 eps

It's airing but...

Graduation Countdown (Taiwan YouTube) ep 1 of ? - on one hand it's micro-installment vertical, on the other it's adorable and from Taiwan. I blame @heretherebedork entirely for my conundrum. As indeed, I did for My Type back in the day. (That was Nat Chen's first BL, yes of Kiseki: Dear To Me fame.) So I think I will also simply lean on Here to let me know when it's done and binge all at once. It's just too much to ask me to keep up with 2 minute pieces, I don't have that kind of endurance training, not even for BL.

Time the series (Tue Gaga/YT) 10 eps - it's finished now, I dropped it at ep 4. Should I bother?

A Secretly Love (Thai Sat WeTV grey) 10 eps - I watched the first ep but grey is too much work for this inferior of a show. I may pick up and binge if it gets distribution but for now, it gets a DNF from me. KimCop might have held this crap together but Kim without Cop? No thank you.

Lady Boy Friends (Thai WeTV grey) 16 eps - reminds me a bit too much of Diary of Tootsies only high school. Not my thing. DNF unless it turns a corner and is truly amazing for some reason.

Man Suang that MileApo vehicle from last year is coming to Netflix in the USA. I haven't heard much about it and since the KP stans would have lost their tiny minds if it was any good at all, I'm assuming it's not good at all.

Gossip

Thai BL actor Yoon breaks with his former company and talks about some very very VERY shady goings on in the Thai BL industry. Including not being paid.

And whacha know, same thing happening in Korean BL.

Have I mentioned recently how much I hate the film industry?

Next Week Looks Like This:

Starting Soon

3/31 Only Boo! (Thai GMMTV YouTube) 12 eps - New main couple for GMMTV in an idol romance about a boy who dances good and a food stand vendor. Other side of the tracks grumpy/sunshine pair who fall deeply in love but, of course, baby boy idol can't date. Boyband but from GMMTV? Control your singing and I'm game.

4/1 Love is like a Cat (Korea ????) 12 eps - This completed filming Aug 2022(!) which means there have been serious problems with post-production. This is another of Silkwood's Korean+Thai colab projects. Mew Suppasit plays a rookie film star, called the Cat Prince (for his cold arrogance) who goes up against a charismatic puppyish animal daycare director (JM of JUST B). There is also a side romance (love triangle?) with a veterinarian. Geonu of JUST B is also in the cast.

I wonder if this was part of the hold up, with Geonu on Build Up right now, they might have tried to muffle this one. Or maybe it's just that bad...

4/3 We Are (Thai GMMTV YouTube) 12 eps - University ensemble BL featuring PondPhuwin, WinnySatang, AouBoom, MarcPawinPoon - basically the good kind of messy gay friendship group (so more My Engineer and less Only Friends). Looks a bit like the Kiss series but everyone is queer. I'm IN!

Knock-Knock Boys (Thai WeTV?) - 4 college friends conspire to help their friend lose his virginity. Familiar faces like Seng (yes, Billy's previous partner), Best and frest face, news here.

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

NOTE: It looks like one of my personal favorites of last year Unintentional Love Story is getting a spin off!

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Without ghost girl.

With ghost girl.

I think she may be my favorite part of 1000 Years.

CLASSIC tsundere seme description of a sunshine uke. Like classic'est of classic. (Two Worlds)

Is there such a thing as a tired trope in a BL? Since it is a genre that is made up entirely of tropes quilted together? Your philosophical question for today brought to you by Deep Night's kabedon (Japanese trope) + punishment threat (Thai trope).

Love me a lap sit moment. (City of Stars)

(Last week)

Streaming services are listed by how I (usually) watch, which is with a USA based IP, and often offset by a day because time zones are too much work.

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone

If ya wanna be tagged each week leave a comment and I will add you to the template. Easy peesy.

[drleggman]

Otoya Eita x reader

summary: Otoya learns that you had sex with his best friend, and the envy he feels isn't towards who he expected

tags: bi/pan!gn!reader, no physical descriptions (character & reader), established relationship (fwb), vague descriptions of sex, 18+ minors don't look or I'm telling your parents

wc: 1.9k

a/n: this is mostly just a convo between Otoya and reader, and the horny bits don't even directly involve him rip. it's very silly and unserious! sorry if you were expecting more

“Curve or no curve?”

Otoya’s question catches you off guard. You’d been sitting in relative silence until now—both reclining on his couch, legs intertwined between you with only the soft sounds of your respective video games filling the otherwise quiet room.

“What?”

“You prefer your cocks with a curve? Or without one?” He asks again like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

The music pouring lowly from the console in your hands stops abruptly, your game momentarily paused. “My bad for the confusion? I don’t always have dick on the mind, unlike you apparently.”

“Answer the question, will you?”

You take a moment to consider. And then another. Is one better than the other? This isn’t something you’d really put much thought to until now. “I… don’t think I have a preference.”

“Oh bullshit.” You can tell he's rolling his eyes without even seeing them.

“I don’t! You know what people say, it’s about how you use it or whatever. As long as your stroke game is good, it doesn’t really matter what your dick is like.” You shrug, and just as you’re about to return to your game, he pipes up again.

“Well Karasu said-“

“You talk about dick with Karasu?” You grin. This is more entertaining, you decide: fucking with him. You set your Switch on the coffee table beside you and give him your full attention.

“Will you shut the fuck- Ugh.” You hear a long exhale, and he sets his controller down. "Karasu said," he turns to you, eyes squinted and brows pinched together, “bottoms prefer it with a little curve. To hit all the good spots or whatever. I told him the same thing you told me, that it doesn’t matter.”

You blow air through your nose, grinning to yourself. Oh you know exactly why Karasu said that to him.

“He’s had a big head ever since I told him that,” you murmur.

“What?”

Your brow furrows. “What?”

“Since you told him what?”

“That the way his cock curves feels good…?”

He makes a face at that, pained and something else that you can’t quite place, and you hide behind your hand so he can’t see you snickering.

“Hated that.” He says, but you can’t help but notice that he’s blushing, though just barely. Almost as if he’s flustered. “How do you know what his dick feels like?”

“We’ve… had sex?” What kind of question is that? Is he stupid? “How else would I know that?”

He straightens up, noticeably more invested in the conversation now that you’ve divulged this information to him. “ When did that happen?”

“Why are you interrogating m-“

“When??” His tone is by no means stern, but he’s insistent. You’ve always known this to be true. He’ll pester you til the end of time if you don’t tell him what he wants to hear.

“Like, five months ago?”

You’re not even sure exactly. It happened when you and Karasu were both a little tipsy at a birthday party. Whose it was, you can’t remember. You’d been complaining to him about being pent up, and Otoya had chosen to spend the night with another girl. Karasu offered himself up, cozying up to you and whispering low and raspy into your ear, “How about I take care of you tonight, then?” He’d had his eye on you since you were first introduced to him, seizing the opportunity to finally get a taste of you as Otoya usually doesn’t let you out of his sight when he’s around.

“We were fucking then.” He states plainly. His expression is unreadable, ever the face of indifference even as his words contradict that sentiment.

“Otoya. Since when do you care about the other people I sleep with?”

“I don’t care. I’m just… curious.” You don’t think he’s even trying to be convincing. He won’t even look at you.

“It seems like you care.”

He chews on the inside of his cheek, gathering his thoughts. “I’ve never cared less about anything, actually.”

He does care. Obviously. You’ve talked to him about all of the women you’ve slept with since the two of you had started your relationship, if you can even call it that, and never once has he been this weird about it. It’s something you bonded over, in fact, because of course he’s sleeping around too. Sharing the intimate details of your trysts with other girls is a favorite pastime of yours. At some point Otoya started to wonder if he’s the only guy you’re actively having sex with, so to hear that not only is he not the only guy you’ve fucked recently, but that the other guy was Karasu Tabito, of all people, has him feeling. Feeling what, exactly? He’s not sure.

You know full well about how he likes to fantasize about you with your other partners after you’ve recounted every last detail to him, just as you do with him and his. He’ll let his hand slip between his legs, lazily pleasuring himself as he imagines you with the pretty girl you’d shown him a picture of—sometimes in front of you as you tell him about her, sometimes when he’s alone and too lazy to find a video to jerk off to.

Is it okay for him to think about Karasu like that? What exactly would it mean if he does? God, he has so many questions.

Were you a bit more dominant with him like you are with those girls he hears about? Or did his friend have to put you in your place after you started acting bratty like you do when you're with him? Karasu is a charmer though, and a sweet talker too. Maybe you didn't want to be bratty at all. Karasu has always had that subtle air of dominance about him. He knows how to get his way with people. He’s more than capable of teasing and talking down to you in a way that would lull you into a sense of submission. Otoya has seen it before, both on the field and off, the way that Karasu commands obedience.

He lets his mind wander further. He pictures you with Karasu. You're sweaty and panting, your hips grinding together and hands groping and tongues down each other’s throats. He can hear you so clearly in his mind. Can see the way your face scrunches up in pleasure. If Karasu’s dick really does feel as good as you say it does, it must leave you a whining, overstimulated mess by the time he’s done with you.

The image of Karasu is just as vivid. He can see the cocky smirk he wears as he comes undone underneath him. He can see the sweat beading down his forehead, his neck, and his chest. How he’s glistening with it as he puts more and more force into each thrust. He can hear him too, his honey-slicked words spilling from his lips that are pressed against his neck. And his cock… the ease with which it hits all of the right spots inside of him.

It’s gotta feel so fucking good, Otoya thinks to himself. And I bet he’s hung-

He cuts the thought off immediately once he realizes the gravity of it. He crinkles his nose as he wills away the image of his best friend on top of him.

“What is this?” You say, and suddenly Otoya is reminded of your presence.

He can pretend not to care about Karasu all he wants, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s visibly unsettled by what you’ve said. After knowing each other for as long as you have, you find him easy to read. The way he fidgets with the frayed fabric of his beanie, the way he refuses to meet your gaze. All easy tells. He’s lost in thought, and you think that whatever image he’s conjuring up in that pretty little head of his must be really good to get him to shut up for this long. “Are you… jealous?”

You’ve never seen him react like this to hearing about you fucking someone else. Otoya doesn’t care about exclusivity. He never has. You two sleep with whoever you want, whenever you want. You have a feeling it’s not the fact that it’s a man you slept with that’s getting to him, but rather because it was Karasu specifically.

“Why would I be jealous? I get to fuck you all the time.” You just barely catch the way his voice quivers.

Oh. He doesn’t even know. He’s got that look on his face, the one you’ve only seen a handful of times. It’s the face he makes when he wants something that he thinks is out of reach, and he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. His genuine confusion is almost endearing. He’s seemingly blissfully unaware of his own desires.

“I didn’t mean jealous of Karasu.”

He’s stone faced as he finally looks at you now. You can practically hear the gears turning in his head.

“You are, aren’t y-“

“Shut up.” He doesn’t let you finish. He doesn’t like what you’re implying, and he doesn’t want to unpack that.

You bark out a laugh. “Why were you even thinking about that conversation you two had anyway?”

“Shut. Up.”

You listen, though only for a moment. There’s a pregnant pause, and he’s daring you with his gaze to keep pressing.

“His cock does feel good-“

“Stop that.”

You raise an eyebrow, feigning confusion.

“Stop talking about my friend’s cock.”

Oh, but that wouldn’t be any fun, now would it? You have to push his buttons some more. “It’s not like it only feels good because it’s curved, though it does help.”

He says nothing, giving you one last opportunity to drop the topic before he turns his attention elsewhere.

“He just knows how to fuck, I think.”

Another sigh, then he turns back towards the tv and mutters, “I’m done with this conversation.”

He picks up his controller and unpauses his game, and the rhythmic sound of him tapping buttons fills the space between you. He’s getting his ass kicked, not that he doesn’t usually, but right now he seems to be particularly incapable of defending himself from the ai enemies on the screen. You can tell his focus is elsewhere, try as he might to pretend he’s more invested in the game than whatever thoughts are swirling around in his head.

Your lips are pursed as you hold in the words threatening to spill from you. He’s aware that you’re watching him, he can see you in his periphery. Your self restraint is running thin, and he’s started to squirm in anticipation, knowing full well you have some more bullshit to say.

“Have you ever played with your ass before?” You blurt it out before you’ve even realized it, hands clamping over your mouth as if you can’t believe you just said such a thing.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Again, he sighs. The game pauses and he briefly tightens then releases his grip on his controller. He sits on his answer for a moment, not yet sure if he should indulge you further. Maybe if he imagines it hard enough, he can explode you with his mind and be done with this.

“Yes, I’ve played with my ass before.”

You beam, the part of you expecting him to just call you a freak and disregard your question entirely put at ease. “Did you like it??”

You're much too excited about this for his liking. “I- yeah… I did.” Head rolling back onto the couch and his whole body slackening, he looks utterly defeated. You, on the other hand, are basking in your victory. You’re peeling away at him, layer by layer. Unveiling his desires that he’s kept hidden so deep within him he may not even be sure they’re there. “It’s just usually too much of a hassle to do it most of the time...”

Your tongue pokes out to wet your lips, and he watches the movement with rapt attention. “I have this toy… It looks a lot like Karasu’s dick…”

His eyes snap back to yours in an instant, and you continue on as if he’s not silently pleading with you to have mercy on him. To stop implanting these images in his head.

“It’s not quite as thick, but it’s got the same subtle, upward curve~” Your bottom lip is pulled between your teeth. Otoya watches again, letting himself get lost in the visual to distract from what you’re saying to him.

You feel his leg shift between yours. His foot trails up, settling just shy of the apex of where your thigh meets your hip. “Okay… You’re telling me this why…?”

“We should try it.” You grin. His face goes flush. “On you, of course.”

“And why do you think we should do that?”

You sit up and push yourself towards him. He tries to back away, but there’s nowhere for him to escape to.

“So you know what to expect when you finally decide to ask Karasu to have his way with you.”

divider by @/animatedglittergraphics-n-more

[gamerwoo]

hansol/mingyu: the lovers playlist

characters: mingyu x female reader

genre/warnings: idol au, friends to lovers, sosososo much fluff

word count: 686

summary: come on, come on, we were one upon a time in love; we're accidentally in love

a/n: things in bold italics are song lyrics. this is the final part of tlp!!! im kinda sad it's over but im glad the story is finally complete 😌 i really wanna do another series styled like this but we'll see lmao. thank you sm to everyone who supported and loved the series!! 💛💛

previous song | back to playlist

"Here."

A black cassette tape was tossed onto your desk. You looked at it with furrowed brows as you removed your headphones and picked it up, glancing up at the man who was clearly trying -- and failing -- to hide a stupid grin.

You flipped it over. You recognized the smudged sticker that was meant to read Mingyu's Tape. Even though the boy in question apparently had the tape, he didn't relabel it.

"Why'd you have this?" you ask him.

He nodded toward you, "Just listen to it."

You flashed him a suspicious look before you stood up from your desk and walked over to Mingyu's nightstand. You were borrowing Wonwoo's laptop to do some editing -- all of his tech was a lot better than yours -- so you decided to just stay the night at their dorm anyway.

Mingyu had invested in one of those radios like the one you had at home because he wanted to hear some of your tapes. You popped the one he tossed at you in the player and then made yourself comfortable in his bed. Mingyu flopped down right beside you, already giggling to himself.

All of the songs were familiar to you. Obviously. You were the one who made the tape.

There was a pause after I Wanna Be Yours. Normally, that was where the tape had stopped, so you expected the silence. But then, you suddenly heard the sound of a drum, followed by a familiar guitar melody.

Almost immediately, you huffed and rolled your eyes. That cued loud laughter from your boyfriend.

"Shrek? Really?" you asked him.

"Baby, you love Shrek!" he insisted, trying to justify why that one Counting Crows song was suddenly added to the playlist. "But that's not why. Just listen."

So she said, what's the problem, baby? What's the problem? I don't know; Well maybe I'm in love.

Right. You'd forgotten just how sappy this song was. You never really fully thought about the lyrics because the song was connected with a Shrek movie.

"So you added to my tape?" you asked him, turning your head to look at him with a small smile.

He shrugged, "I had to. It couldn't just end where it did."

"Why not?"

"Because I am yours now. Duh."

Come on, come on, move a little closer; Come on, come on, I want to hear you whisper; Come on, come on, settle down inside my love.

You couldn't help but giggle at the way he said it. It was no secret how excited and giddy Mingyu was ever since you said you accepted his confession -- even if over a year had gone by already.

"And why did you choose this song?" you wondered.

Come on, come on, we were once upon a time in love; We're accidentally in love.

He scoffed, "You don't think this song is perfect for us?"

Accidentally in love; Accidentally in love; Accidentally--

It kind of was. You never meant to fall for Mingyu. Actually, everything that lead up to you and Mingyu had started off as just you and Hansol. And yeah, you were good friends with him now, but if you had gone back in time and told yourself you'd end up with Mingyu, you'd probably laugh.

I'm in love, I'm in love; I'm in love, I'm in love; I'm in love, I'm in love.

"Alright, last question," you decided, rolling over onto Mingyu so you could look down at him with a sweet smile as you looked into his warm brown eyes. He never stopped looking at you like you were the best thing to grace the planet. "Why'd you add to the playlist now? I made this so long ago."

Come on, come on, spin a little tighter; Come on, come on, and the world's a little brighter; Come on, come on, just get yourself inside her love.

He just shrugged and said, "Better late than never, right?"

Then he rolled the two of you over so he was over you, planting kisses all over your face as he heard you laugh over the end of the song.

I'm in love.

── « ⋅ʚ ♫ ɞ⋅ » ───

[cranquis]

Your recent reblog made me sad, but also makes a lot of sense. I've been following you since I was in medical school, and I'm now in my fifth year of specialty training (I am not American). I did occasionally wonder why I've been seeing less of the kind of content you used to put out.

All I can say is - thank you for the work you do. I've seen enough online to get an idea of what you must face on a daily basis. I think I'm lucky that somehow, the doctor-patient relationship overall hasn't deteriorated to such an extent where I live (yet at least), but I definitely understand the frustration and despair of trying to communicate with people who aren't coming into the conversation in good faith.

You've always been a kind of role model for me in terms of your passion for your work and your open sharing about your faith. I guess I just wanted to say that I hope you find hope and joy in your work, even if those you serve aren't wise enough to appreciate what you do for them.

Hi, my colleague! Hey first of all, thank you for your kind words of encouragement and affirmation. Negative med-related interactions (online or in person) anymore just roll off me, but the positive ones still give my heart a thrill! :) And congrats on your continued journey down the medical pathway.

Second, I'm glad your message gives me the chance to clarify for all my long-time Cranquis Pants* that I still do enjoy my work. I have been doing the exact same Urgent Care job in the exact same location (with quite a few staff turnovers) ever since I finished residency 17 years ago! I still enjoy the bulk of my patient interactions, I continue to hone my diagnostic skills, I feel very confident in my procedural skills, I have a reputation in our local medical community as a reliable and thorough physician, and I have a loyal group of patients who routinely nag me to "quit urgent care and become a regular doctor so we can be your primary care patients". My staff likes and respects me (despite my best efforts to ruin that on the daily, with my puns etc); I like my staff and appreciate the hard work they do in the face of the same administrative and societal opposition that I encounter; I am not distressed when little kids freak out during physical exams (and my success rate of turning those frowns upside down with playful interactions and silly sound effects is pretty darn good).

I am blessed with amazing work-life balance, more than the majority of Family Medicine-trained physicians I suspect. I carry no pager, I take no call, I leave my work at home when I go home. I know my schedule months in advance, I have a shift template that gives me plenty of week-long stretches off, and I have my Sabbaths 100% free to attend church and spend time with my family. My pay is decent and my benefits are solid, my debts get paid and I have a roof over my head. My kids and wife are happy to see me come home. Personally, I really have nothing to complain about.

But the bloom is off the rose for my profession as a whole. The politics and trends of the US health care system continues to disenfranchise physicians, devaluing the years and $$ invested in becoming physicians, over-valuing patient satisfaction scores and inexpensive labor and glitzy administrative initiatives and staff rumor mills more than evidence-based, experience-driven clinical medicine. The power structure is upside down, as if doctors ought to be automatically doubted and disdained by pharmacists, insurance companies, administrators, patients, and APCs because of their systematic educational journeys and reliance upon scientific evidence.

And one of the saddest results is watching medical professionals turn on each other. The fragmentation and super-specialization of every aspect of medical care creates artificial "us v. them" scenarios; specialists and primary-care battling over who does the paperwork for pre-op visits and FMLA, ER and Urgent Care arguing about how much workup should be undertaken by the UC when the patient is obviously going to need ER management, primary-care so overwhelmed with insurance-required goals that their patients can never get same-day/soon-day appointments, pharmacies so understaffed that it's easier for them to tell the patients that "the doctor never sent the prescription" when in reality ...

I could go on.

I miss the old days (said the geezer on the internet), when I could enthusiastically support a pre-med student's dreams of getting into medical school and "helping people as a doctor someday." Now I wince at the idealism in a high-schooler's eyes, and try to find a nice way to say "there's more options for helping people than just becoming a doctor... be sure you have your motivations straight, because medicine is not what it was even 10 years ago..."

So hope and joy in my career? Hope for the profession of physicians, I have little. But I make the joy in my practice when I can make it, and I only expect to find joy in my non-medical time with family and hobbies and travel and friends and the lifestyle which my medical career still does make more feasible than otherwise.

*Probably not the term historically assigned to "fans of this blog", back when I posted frequently -- it's been a minute -- but if not, SHOOT that was a missed opportunity.

[perpetuallyfive]

A million years ago back on livejournal, there was a yearly meme a few of us participated in where you'd look back at all your old fics and come up with a personal top ten. It was a nice way to reevaluate and look back at work you might have ignored for so long that you essentially forgot about it.

I don't write enough anymore to do this kind of thing yearly, but it's been a long time and I wanted to look back.

So here are my own top ten fics as of this minute in 2025 (in no particular order):

we never sleep, we never try RWBY, "Bar AU", Bumbleby

I'm the kind of person who loves the metaphor inherent to genre fiction, and I try to lean into that with my fanfic. I also love when I have the chance to make the end to my first chapter a bit of a surprise. This fic let me do both!

This fic is about using a trope as a means to explore identity and sense of self. It's also a total misdirect to call it "just an AU set in a bar" instead of what it actually is.

Which is wing fic, fallen angel style. This fic is about angels. There, I gave it away.

Her fingers pull at the sheets, her heels dig into the small of Yang’s back. One knee nearly collides with her jaw and they both laugh, real and raw, a little breathless and unsure. Even Blake, even she feels a loss of breath. She is not someone who should have to breathe, even now, even like this. Unless she is being made mortal, here and now. Is this what it takes to die? Is this pleasure why mortal lives are so brief? It’s too much, a heart could explode from a lifetime of such living. And still, she wants more.

Our Bruises Are Coming Fingersmith, Maud/Sue

I wanted to write a short post-canon fic that explores Maud's kinkiness and the associations she would have with those desires being so linked to her own trauma and abuse, and still hopefully make it hot.

Writing the alternating povs with their very distinctive character voices was extremely fun.

Sue doesn't know how wet her eyes can look when she's lost in her own wanting. She's like a doll at times, with eyes like glass and lips ever on the verge of parting. I watch her and think of words and clips of phrases I have seen etched thick and dark on pale pages or ones I have spoken aloud to a room of eager men. Their heavy breath would clog the air until the words all seemed slick and rounded at their edges. They nestled in the shell of my ear and there they stayed, only to return years later while my hand sits on the pulse in Sue's breast. It beats wildly and I think, eager bitch. I think wanton spreading of her thighs and incline of hips thrusting. I think blooming in purple like an angry red flower on her cheek and feel my own heart race to join hers. My head is filled with poison.

what a night to go dreaming Sleep No More

This is one of the most self-indulgent things I have ever written, and I'm so glad that I did. Inspired by am immersive theater show that the majority of humanity will never see, focused on two minor characters that the majority of the show's fans aren't that invested in, and told in a meandering and muddled style intended to replicate the experience of being lost at the show and the perpetual looping nightmare its characters are caught up in.

Sleep No More is like a half-remembered dream and the fifth floor woods and accompanying sanatorium — as well as all the women that would inhabit it over the years — were one of my very favorite things in my very favorite building for literally years of my life.

Now that it's closed little more than a month ago, I feel more fond of this selfish piece than ever. Re-reading it takes me right back there again.

There have been no wolves in these woods for many years. The last of them were hunted down and left scattered over the earth. They inspected the entrails and said it would be an early harvest. The women picked and pecked over every inch of flesh, squinting at the sky as though there might be rain. And then there was.

You Can't Become Unreal Again Pitch Perfect, Marvel AU Hurt/Comfort, Beca Stark/Chloe Barton

I think this fic gave me a reputation for being really mean to characters that lasted for some time. I love hurt/comfort, at least in theory, but it bothers me how often the slow process of clawing your way back to yourself after intense trauma gets skipped over in favor of the end game. For me, that misses the point. The pain alone isn't what appeals to me; it's the slow unsteady progress that comes after, and how impossibly human that feels. 

I wanted to try to capture that in a fic. This is one of those pieces that I'm so proud of but also can't help wondering how I would write it now, older and more experienced as a writer. Sometimes I think maybe I should try something like it again.

There are a lot of reasons the fire escape is a bad idea, but Beca hasn't got a key. So she settles for the pain -- burning up through her shoulders, aching in her wrist until she has to stifle a scream -- and collapses on the floor as soon as she's through the window. She lays there for a while, half-curled on her side, and tries to pinpoint the precise location of each throbbing ache. She might have tripped an alarm, but it's hard to concern herself with something like that when her entire back feels like it's fucking on fire. Worst case scenario: whoever S.H.I.E.L.D. sends over can help her stand again.

Bulletproof Use of Bullet Points Pitch Perfect, Aubrey POV, Beca/Chloe

My second most popular Pitch Perfect fic is Aubrey pov, which just got to be fun in a way that I almost never let myself write and should probably do more often.

Not that Beca has ever needed a reason to complain. She drags her heels walking over, and it's all Aubrey can do not to shout for her to straighten her back and stop making that face like she's sucking on a lemon. Is it really so hard to be nice? To smile? Aubrey smiles all the time, even when she hates people! She smiles at Beca, after all. (Does Beca have any idea how incredibly hard that is for her? No. Of course not. No thought probably ever crosses selfish Beca Mitchell's mind that isn't about downbeats or hipster bullshit.) "Okay then," Aubrey smiles (because she cares to), and pulls her ponytail just a little bit tighter. "Why don't you show me what you can do?"

when the night falls (loneliness calls) RWBY, Winter Schnee gen fic

Winter is one of my absolute favorite characters in RWBY and I wanted to write about her childhood so badly. She nails so many aspects of my favorite archetype, but without being entirely stereotypical.

Obviously the standard warnings would apply for parental abuse from Jacques Schnee, though it's not described in detail.

Her mother’s voice is right behind her, saying, “This one is special. This one is two things, actually, though it only looks like one.” Her hand is light on Winter’s shoulder. “It’s like you, isn’t it? More than what it seems.” “Can I touch it?” Winter doesn’t know what she’ll do if her mother says no. Her throat is so dry and her palms almost itch. Even the sword itself seems to vibrate with a desire to be touched, to be held, to belong. Maybe it is like her after all.

much sweeter than it ought to be RWBY, Dishonored AU, Bumbleby

This one is a sprawling beast, currently unfinished, but I'm including it because I still intend to return. I love this fic in all its messy self-indulgent glory. Committing myself to alternating POVs in every single chapter means some of the chapters are comically long; I know I'm not doing a great job to sell it.

But this is the longest thing I've ever written (by a lot) and surely that much commitment to it says something.

Blake has never dreamed of anything like this happening before. She’s never allowed herself to really consider or want this for herself, to want much of anything just for her in a way that’s entirely selfish. The entire realm will one day be hers, but none of it is meant for her and her alone, not really. It’s all for the Empire, isn’t it, and anything she claims for herself is something she’s going to have to let go of one day. After Adam and everything that she saw, daydreaming felt selfish, like the ambitions of a child. Instead she tried to focus on the future of the Empire. It was the mature response, wasn’t it, to set her own wants and ambitions aside. All of that cold and calm resolve just slips away so fast, pulled out with the momentum that Yang carries with her, like a swelling tide. Doesn’t Blake deserve to want something, if only for a little while?

Manuscripts and Mistakes Gilmore Girls, Post Miniseries, Rory/Paris

Despite loving this ship since the show first aired, I never actually wrote it until this attempt to make something out of the Rory we end up with after A Year in the Life.

This one has a major (pregnancy related) trigger warning, noted in the end notes.

Like the first day Paris saw Rory and knew this girl was going to ruin her life. She couldn't guess at the time, of course, the kind of impact the woman would have fully grown. Even then she wondered sometimes, occasionally -- lying in bed and dreaming of Tristan's strong hands and pouty lips -- about what Rory's chapstick would feel like on her mouth. Once they kissed (once only, briefly), she'd finally known. Rory tastes like raspberry and regret. Like the most trite poem in existence. Like expectations and hopes never met. Something more.

the smell of blood on concrete Arcane, Vampire/Werewolf AU, Caitlyn/Vi

I know this one isn't finished either; but I'm currently writing it, absolutely obsessed with this version of them, and I've been keeping to a consistent enough schedule that it feels genuinely less mean than the inclusion of Dishonored AU.

In a lot of ways this fic has been a convergence of several things I've loved for years all into one work.

Her eyes lock on bright blue — river blue — eyes on the other side, the faintest hint of a smile. “Look at me, Hound.” This time the name doesn’t make Vi bristle. “You’re going to be fine.” The beast inside is glad to be seen. Vi smiles, too many teeth. Everything starts to unspool. Her jaw shatters. Fragments of bone ripple and chip — digging into her flesh at odd angles — outsides reversed with insides. Vertebrae rapidly shift and clatter, like dominoes turned upside down, as she drops to all fours. The vibrating inside her head has turned into a loud keening song. She snarls and a new voice comes out, guttural and low. The pain is like anything else. It doesn’t come all at once. It blossoms, it shifts, it moves like the tide. Her claws dig into the fabric, ripping with a loud shriek of something given way. She pants and takes a running lunge at the bars, pounding into it with her full force. On the other side, she sees Caitlyn smile. “That’s it,” she says. “You’re beautiful.”

Self-Diagnoses for the Consistently Disengaged UnREAL, Rachel Goldberg gen with hints of Rachel/Quinn

I realize that UnREAL barely counts as a fandom and I deeply regret never finishing the actual Rachel/Quinn thing I started — though I genuinely think sometimes I want to circle back to it — but I still think this piece holds up really well as its own little thing.

It had been nice while it lasted. Not to be the crazy girl, the little weirdo, except in the ways she chose to be. She'd felt happy. She thinks so, at least. Not that it matters now. Happiness is like some foreign country she's mostly read about in books. Nice to visit, but who can afford the rent? The food even tasted weird. She's a stale beer and pizza kind of girl.

[sugarcult]

Liam, I wrote up this big, long letter for you, and it seemed like nothing came out right or like it just didn't sound how I wanted it to. So I guess I'll just do my best.

Years ago, I remember other fans being obsessed with Diana when it came out, and how many fans said that One Direction had saved them. I didn't think I could relate because I wasn't actively suicidal or self-harming at that time, and I guess I thought all that was a little overdramatic. But in the last two weeks, I've been thinking it over, and I really think 1D not only changed my life but saved it too.

When I first started being a fan of the band, it was 2012, and I had no idea how hard my life was about to become. I guess you probably felt like that too, in retrospect - when you auditioned for X Factor, and you were put in a band by surprise, and you strapped in for this wild ride you couldn't have anticipated, with the highs and the lows that came with it. I remember feeling so much joy listening to 1D, watching silly videos, meeting new people, writing and reading fanfiction. I invested so much of my time into 1D during the active years of the band, at first because I wanted to and it was fun, but now that I'm older and I have some perspective, it wasn't really that simple.

I had a really hard home life in those years. I was in high school, and I didn't have supportive parents. I remember at many points feeling like nobody understood me - not my friends, not my family, or anyone at school - except, in some weird way, One Direction and their fans did. You guys created an atmosphere that was so uplifting and supportive, that prioritized things like mental health and social justice, having a laugh and still being kind. These are all things I really needed in my life.

I didn't make a friend in the fandom until about 2016, so for the entire duration of 1D being active, I was doing my solo thing. I had other people I kind of interacted with during that time, but not any real friends I stayed in touch with. My entire high school career was me being a 1D fan basically alone, and I think I forget that sometimes because I have a lot of 1D friends now. But at my most vulnerable, and in my most formative years, the only thing I really had was One Direction. And I have been thinking a lot about how much of that fun, welcoming, supportive environment was exactly those things because of you. I felt so much support just being in the proximity of the fanbase and the band. I had something to live for, even when my home life was terrible, when my friends abandoned me, when my grades started slipping. I didn't have much sense of identity or self-awareness at all at the time, so it didn't occur to me until recently how much harder and more emotionally volatile those years would have been for me without One Direction. And when I finally did start processing all the hard stuff I had gone through a couple years later, my friends in the fandom were there for me in a way most people couldn't be. I'll be forever grateful to them, and to all of you.

I always felt like you saw me, and like you got me, and like we had the same priorities and values about how people should be treated. I guess that's because you had been bullied yourself and knew what it felt like to be treated unkindly. It really hurts me to know just how much unkindness you continued to receive all the way to the end. I think people saw your joy at the success of your loved ones and your continued pride in the band as somehow disingenuous, but I know it wasn't, because I see so much of myself in you.

I hope you know how many people truly loved and admired you, and how much good you put out into the world, and that the bad that each of us has done does not negate that. Without you, I wouldn't have lived this long. It sounds dramatic, but now that I'm on the other side of the hardest years of my life, I know I couldn't have made it through without you and your influence. You have been and still are a light to people on every continent, people you've never met, who have never been in the same stadium as you. Actually, in ways you don't know and in ways that can't be quantified, you have changed the lives of so many people indirectly. You changed my brother's life, for one, by helping me become someone who could be resilient and strong for him when he needed it. You changed my dad's life by making me someone who can teach others compassion. You've made my son's life possible, by helping me be strong enough to be here so he could even be born. And for every fan you've had like me, you've touched the lives of countless other people indirectly in the same way. The good you have done may be hard to see sometimes through all the noise, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. I hope you knew that in those final days, and I hope you know it now, wherever you are.

I've found it really striking, how many of the people who knew you feel the need to say they hope you're finally at peace now. I wish that didn't say so much about how hard things were for you the last several years. I wish I could have been more vocal and let you know how much change you had made in my life and how much I love you. I wish I could have been more supportive than just a person you might see through pixels on a screen, although I know you had many loved ones who supported you in life too. The grief we are all feeling for you feels some days like it has stopped the world.

It's been a while since I've truly lost someone, and I think the last few years have made the impact of loss hit a lot harder than it used to. I understand now why people turn to religion in times like these. It's for hope.

A lot of other people have said it, but I hope in my heart that it's true:

You will find me

In places that we've never been

For reasons we don't understand

Walking in the wind

You shined so bright, and you still do. But I would have loved you even if you hadn't.

[dollieroulette]

First lucky(?) haul--

Couple of years ago by now, I snagged a Mystery BJD via online estate sale auction. Her pictures? Atrocious. Her value? Uncertain. Her authenticity? A mystery. I had to have her.

She was listed as a "OOAK Custom Monster High Doll," and I had the feeling that she was likely to be overlooked by monster high collectors-- I mean...

I wasn't lying when I said the pictures were atrocious. But hey, what's all that? Empty spot for..ears? Huh.

These pictures were leaving a lot to the imagination. Reverse google image searching, asking all sorts of other collectors and doll enthusiasts-- with their help we narrowed the head down to a Turb & Roxen sculpt by Soom. The body, though-- I'd have to get her in hand. So I did that-- 7 dollars was my winning bid. A lil' extra for tax and shipping and I was sitting pretty at round about 21 bucks. Well worth the risk.

THE ARRIVAL--

She arrived in a big ol' box some time later. I didn't take nearly enough photos, but here are the ones I have after first breaking her free from her cardboard prison:

I posted all these photos in a BJD discord I'm in-- with their help, we were able to narrow it down to an earlier Soom Little Gem release. It all looked correct-- weird lil' knee and elbow cups, all proportions, hands and feet easy to match up. Exciting! So far, she looked PRETTY legit! Yay! Uh. I mean kind of. We mostly came to a dead end. Yeah, looked to be Soom-- was, y'know, MAYBE legit? But finding pictures of all the older Soom bodies was harder than I thought it would be..and it seemed like whoever owned this doll mix and matched parts on the torso. Confusing. DONE CARING I WANNA PLAY-- Whatever!! I wanted to get right to trying my hand at faceup-- something I had never really given a go of before. Lets clean her up.

Alright, no. Nah.

I mean, yeah, ok that's better I think. I even found some old eyes that looked pretty nice! Here's a couple of glamor shots:

SO! Where are we now, two years later? Well, we know a few things-- this doll is -probably- a soom little gem body with a roxen & turb head. She's missing her ears and the body she came with is not from the same set as her head. It looks as if she's had her seams sanded down and, I'm just guessing here, has a boy torso top and a girl torso bottom. I think. That one I'm still uncertain about. She came with no papers-- so I can't ask Soom to help me confirm her authenticity. I've tried (and failed, haha) to find the original owner via old forums and old posts and groups in the hopes I could just, I dunno, directly ask if they had purchased her directly from Soom? Failed at that one, probably shouldn't linger too long on that anyhow. Might creep folks out, haha. I DID join a Soom facebook group and a collector who looked over the pictures said she felt my doll looked in all ways identical to her own legit dolls-- but she didn't provide me comparison photos, so, y'know. Up to opinion there. And that, currently, is where we sit with Mystery Doll 1. All signs point to "probably legit," and yet, sadly, I still have no way to confirm either way. I've recently taken her apart and cleaned her faceup off, I think it's time for a fresh look and some detailed photos of all the parts of the doll. I'll list those separately, probably tomorrow. Did you make it this far? Are you invested in this mystery? I invite you, too, stranger, to seek out answers. If you have a lead, I wanna' hear it! :) Till next time. PS: My eternal thanks to the BJD discord group, folks on reddit, folks on facebook...ya'll have put up with my obsession and curiosity for a while now! Thank you for all your patience and help. <3

[l-ii-zz]

Hi dear mutual hiii 🫶

I have a question about SJAU, specifically Temporary Lie.

So, I re-read the extended summary, and it appears to me that the period of Zim grieving after losing Dib was extremely short, miniscule actually, compared to the time they spent together. It had been 200+ years, and Zim got over it after 2 months of searching + a few months on Eruka. From the ages in your pinned post I see that it had been less than year overall. Knowing that healing from losing a close friend or partner sometimes takes people longer than they had known said friend/partner, it strikes me as odd that Zim accepted it so fast and decided to start anew. So now I'm suspicious about it. Did Zim bury the trauma, repress it in order to be functional at all? Or did you just decide to have him move on quicker for the plot not to stall? Does grief still flare up sometimes when he thinks he should be fine? Do the Tallest notice?

I'm very invested in this part of the plot because I lost a friend abt 8 months ago, we had only been actual friends for like 2-3 months, so it's been three to four times as long as the time I spent being her friend. My brain still subconsciously looks for her in our University. Oftentimes, for a moment, I mistake someone else for her, and then I have to remind myself that she's dead and I'll never see her again. Sometimes when I'm sad or stressed on my commute to Uni, I close my eyes and pretend she's walking next to me, silent but supportive. Thinking about the fact that I'll graduate soon but she never will still makes me cry. And we had been friends for such a short time! So it really makes me wonder how the loss affects Zim's psyche and his outlook on life in general. Does he have dreams where Dib is alive? Does he have specific places that remind him of Dib a lot? Does seeing new places and people make him think of how he'll never see Dib experience those things? Is he scared to get attached to anyone because going through something like that again would be too much for him? I have so. many. questions!

Heyyy mutual hellooo. First of all, thank you for reaching out to ask about the au. I love when I get these in my ask box 🥹💛

Now let me clarify some things that I might missed to elaborate; In the extended summary I mention that it lasted around 2 months for Urania to repair the spaceship, meanwhile Zim was looking for Dib everywhere nearby the area. They lasted 2 months stranded in the place they crashed, not two months of searching. When the spaceship was ready enough to fly, they kept looking for him for another very long time.

We’re also missing one very important part of this arc: Zim’s and Urania’s relationship development. It took them anooother very long time to make amends and become close friends. It’s after this time that Urania convinces Zim to stay in Eruka for some time. And all of this while both still grief their loss. It just gets less painful while they process it gradually. At the end, it cost them around a year and a half to accept the loss. But of course it still stings and of course they miss him everyday, that won’t ever change. I get you about the time it takes for a person to heal from losing someone so close, but I can’t have Zim grieving for another five hundred years, I can’t say why but I DO have my reasons 😬.

Did Zim bury the trauma? He’s an expert on that, so it’s a possibility. Does grief still flares up sometimes? Yeah, it does. I made an example of this with that comic I made of him with red and pur in the campfire.

Do the tallest notice? Of course they do! even if Zim represses it they can tell something’s odd. Well, Purple is more unaware, but Red is more intuitive with these kind of stuff. He finally confirms his suspicions when him and Zim become accidentally closer to each other.

Does he have dreams where Dib is alive? I never thought about that, so.... no???? yes???? maybe???? idk.

Does he have specific places that remind him of Dib a lot? The spaceship itself reminds him of Dib 24/7. They have lived there their whole life in space, so imagine how hard it is for Zim.

Does seeing new places and people make him think of how he'll never see Dib experience those things? yeah.

Is he scared to get attached to anyone because going through something like that again would be too much for him? Not because of that specific reason, at least not yet. We will see that fear from him in the last arc. For now, in the fourth arc he's afraid of getting attached to the Tallest again (and fails awfully) but because of different reasons.

[ethicallysourcedbuddie]

several sentences sunday

so no one tagged me (this week) but this is the first time in a while i actually have something i'm actively working on. i posted something maybe last week or two weeks ago but that version of the story has actually been scrapped because i regathered my thoughts. anyway i wrote a couple thousand words today and i just wanted to post a little bit of it. i don't think i've been this invested in/stressed about writing something for a very long time. i've been plotting out this fic for months and i've been living and breathing it, so here's a little bit of it for you.

'tis the damn season au, buddie, aka the fic where buck and his parents moved to el paso and buck went to high school with eddie and shannon, and now he's coming back for a visit (set in 911-time during s3 when buck isn't allowed back to work - instead of suing everyone, buck goes home)

His phone starts ringing.  Of course Eddie hadn’t just texted back. 

Of course Eddie is calling him.

“Hey.” “Hey, Evan.  I wasn’t sure you’d ever want to speak again.”

“Please, call me Buck.  Everyone calls me Buck.”

“Right,” Eddie says.  “Right, you said that.”

“I’m in El Paso.” Buck fumbles with the hem of his t-shirt, nervously.  It’s so annoying that he hasn’t just let himself turn up to Eddie’s parents, asking where he can find Eddie.  Helena had always loved him.  She wouldn’t question his presence even a little bit.  She would probably give him a big hug and invite him in for coffee.  He’s just not sure he has that right or place in Eddie’s life anymore.

After all, he was the one who’d taken off.

“You’re - “ There’s a long pause on the other end of the line and then Buck hears the click of a door.  “You’re here?”

“Yeah, I had to get out of LA.  I was feeling a little suffocated and a lot lost.  I’m at my parents’ house.”

“Did you talk to Shannon?”

“Yeah.” Buck closes his eyes.  “You didn’t tell me you were divorced.” “You didn’t exactly give me the chance.” There’s nothing tense in Eddie’s voice, not like Buck would expect.  He sounds light, sarcastic, like the Eddie Buck remembers from all the way back in high school when everything between them was just so easy.

“No, I guess I didn’t.” “Hey, so, I don’t work tomorrow.  Do you want - we can just, you know.  Hang out, like old times or whatever.”

Buck wants to ask what kind of old times he means.  The ones where he, Eddie, and Shannon would waste the day sitting in the Whataburger parking lot listening to shitty music and sharing a cigarette or the kind in that short window of time where the two of them would go find somewhere to park and make out sloppy in Eddie’s truck.  Or maybe the time they tried to get the fuck away from this town together, before they knew Shannon was pregnant, when Buck really thought he and Eddie could be EvanAndEddie for real.  He doesn’t ask.

“Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.  It’ll be nice to catch up.”

[nsyncat]

OK, so this is my first post EVER since I joined Tumblr like ten years ago. Always been a lurker, enjoying all of the wonderful things here, the gifs, fics, ships, art, all the knowledge and all the amazing heritage posts, but never posting and hardly reblogging, I don't know why, was always afraid I would make a mistake or reblogg incorrectly...

Anyway, the reason this is my first time posting is because THAT amazing moment that happened a week ago, and I've been losing my mind ever since, and unfortunately I have nobody to share this excitement with that will understand... So I had to get it out somehow, and here seems like the perfect place to do so.

I don't know if anybody will read this or pay it any attention, but never mind, I just have TO. GET. IT ALL. OUT!

So I've been a loyal fan of 9-1-1 this past six years, got hooked to these kind of first responders dramas, also Station 19 and then of course Lone Star. I fell in love with the writing, the drama and action, the characters of course, the emotional and moving stories, both of the regular cast and the people in the emergencies (am not afraid to admit that I cried more than a few times, especially when I was pregnant... woooh, that was a tough season for me).

Anyway, like everyone else, got invested in Buck's storyline and of course hopped on the Buddie train in season 2. And obviously there was something between them, and the fandom always clowned themselves that "in the next season SOMETHING is going to happen!" and I always wanted to believe it, and also fooled myself a few times but always was the cold harsh realist and realised it was not going to happen... But enjoyed the ride nonetheless, read amazing fics, saw wonderful fanart, read interesting breakdowns and analysis.

And then 704 happened and I'm not joking or exaggerating, my life changed!

Confirming that Buck is Bi was amazing! I'm ashamed to admit that I really thought it won't happen, EVER! So I still can't believe it actually happened (thank you soooo much ABC!) and like a lot of you, I've been on cloud nine this past week and can't wait for tomorrows episode (also not from the US), literally counting down the hours.

And look, I love Buddie, I really do, but I fell in love with TEVAN (my favourite one yet) 😍 and been OBSESSED with them this past week. Just from those few moments between them and what we barely know that is going to happen the next episode, I truly fell in love with them and really hope they make it as far as they can. I think its an amazing thing for Buck and also CANT. STOP. WATCHING THE KISS! The actors did an incredible job, especially Oliver, also with his spoken support of the storyline and his love for Buck. Such a KING! So this whole thing is huge.

And I have a one-year-old, my life is hectic with taking care of a little human being, a hubby who is also very busy, work, family and a million other things and this past year with a heavy heart I kinda neglected reading fics, and it was my main hobby, my escape, my one and constant thing in my LIFE since I was 12. I do read here and there, but not like I used to, reading hours and hours and into the night, multi chapters and long oneshots, in multiple fandoms, and now whenever I do get to read something once In a blue moon I'm not fully invested or enjoying it because either I'm tired or have something else more important to do. And unfortunately, eventually I noticed that I lost this fire, the passion in me and it left me sad and heartbroken...

And then something incredible happened. Ever since that earth-shattering kiss, the fire and passion came back! Holy shit! I've been reading and ENJOYING fics nonstop this whole week, I can't concentrate on work thinking about everything and reading in-between tasks, I use every single free minute I have to search new fics and scroll through the tags, I go to sleep late because I need to read just one more fic(!!!) even tough I have to wake up very early in the morning and I DON'T EVEN CARE. I'm thinking about it sooo much and imagining new scenarios in my head, and feeling giddy and happy, in a good mood a lot of the time, more optimistic, knowing I have a new and exciting place I can "escape" to, like I had in the past.

Its not that i'm not happy, I have an amazing son and a wonderful husband and I cherish every moment with them, but these are hard and difficult times and life can be hard and stressful and I'm a different kind of happy... So these past few days have been nourishment for my soul and my mood, it sounds so silly but its true! I'm feeling a bit like my old self and it's amazing.

And if someone did read this or did pay attention and got to this point, sorry for the long rant and thank you so much for the patience and understanding 🙏 I love you and wish you a wonderful weekend and happy Buck's-first-date-with-a-man day! 🥰

So I want to thank, from the bottom of my heart, ABC, Oliver, Lou and you crazy lot for resurrecting my old fangirl self 😌 I'm so grateful for all your posts, your takes, your similar enjoyment and of course your amazing fics you're writing and sharing 🩵