#I did so well at the ADHD assessment they decided to give me new and exciting symptoms I suppose!

[defiant-firefly]

According to many friends, this medication is seemingly giving a similar effect to being high as a kite. I don't feel high, but I certainly cannot shut up lmao

I walked into the kitchen and had to physically stop to think of the word 'spacey' though because I can no longer think and walk at the same time so I dunno. Maybe so.

[brailsthesmolgurl]

"It's priced reasonably..."

Preview: The boys' reactions to you buying things on impulse/on a discount! (Let's be fair, we all know they are all rich af, but I personally wanna give it a slice of life touch for them <3)

SYLUS

The big man you call your boyfriend stares at you when you stepped in through the front door with multiple bags loaded in your small palms. You had told him earlier on that you were going for window shopping and he was all too kind to give you his card and to ask you to use whenever you seem fit. However, coming over a huge discount on groceries are rare hence you had decided to use it as you 'deem it fit'. Sylus did noticed his phone's notifications going off a couple of times to alert him about transactions made on his card.

Instead of him looking at it, he would just mute the notifications and continue his humming while he seats himself comfortably on the couch and watches the news broadcast. "You had fun shopping, kitten?" He smirked, walking over to you to help you with the bags. "Next time, bring me along. I would like to see how my kitten makes good use of my card." Yet, you apologised for having to use his card when you told him you were supposedly going for window shopping but the man laughed in response, finding your apology to be adorable. "No more apologies kitten for I am not a stingy man."

RAFAYEL

Whilst on a shopping trip with Rafayel, this man would splurge on you. Apparently in this case, he would take up the role of the impulsive buyer rather than you. You eyeing something for more than 3 seconds? Considered it bought. You mentioning about something more than 3 times? Considered it purchased. You imagining something that may look good on him? Considered it a done deal. This man has no fear nor worry of ever going bankrupt as long as you're satisfied.

Staring at the huge lorry outside of his mansion, unloading everything you had mentioned would definitely put you in a state of shocked. Your boyfriend would approach you casually, wrapping his arm around your waist and nuzzling his nose against your neck. You would definitely question him on his purchasing behaviour but he would pout. "Gift giving and impulse buying goes hand in hand, and I do not see the reason why I should not be spoiling my cutie." Seeing you smile, he would continue. "It is just one of the ways I can show you that I love you, so don't hold me back on that, yeah?"

XAVIER

Grocery shopping with Xavier would be like going on a hunt for rare breeds of wanderers. Anything that are on discount would not be missed, especially with both of your sharp eyesights. However, you and Xavier are not known to be impulsive buyers. More like calculative buyers, the both of you seemingly carry a bit of a girl math's mentality. Other than necessities, anything that is supplemental to the house would be assessed for its usability and longevity. It is a perk the both of you would sometimes fight or bond over.

But if the discount is worth the product, then none of you would get it on the spot. You would have your moments where you would get something out of the blue, without running through your usual girl-math calculations, and you would be met with the quirk of an eyebrow from your boyfriend. "I suppose we lack this in our house." He would secretly do the math in his head but would never say anything to intentionally make you feel bad. "Yeah, we can make this work, no worries." Then, he would pull the same stunt as you, showing you something that he had got out of the blue as well.

ZAYNE

You would give Zayne a headache sometimes. Your childlike curiousity for interesting and new items would prompt Zayne to take on the role of a father figure. He might sometimes go as far as to suspect you may have a slight hint of ADHD in your system, but other than a slight migraine, he finds the quirk in you to be specifically unique to you. And, he never complains. Being the gentleman he is, he accepts you for who you are and tries to work his way around you whenever he could manage.

"Do you think you really need that?" He would point at the stuffed toys you are holding in your arms. Your point being all of them are begging you to adopt them with their big googly eyes. "Y/n, you might just have to pick one for adoption." Your slack-jawed expression would make him sigh and pinch the bridge of his nose slightly before he serves you a reminder of the consequences for your behaviour. "You had adopted exactly 36 plushies, and now, only 5 of them are actually adopted on your bed, while the rest of them are abandoned in your closet. So y/n, which one do you plan to ACTUALLY adopt now hmm?"

[goblinsstolemybrain]

oh, that's why...

So, I was in two minds about sharing this. But I do like to overshare, so this is kinda on brand (although I usually do it in person, so internet oversharing is fun and exciting new territory). I decided to post it in case anyone finds it useful.

I'm 40 (how did that happen??) and I've struggled with being a person for as long as I can remember. Last week, I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety.

Finally, almost everything makes sense.

I'd been on the fence about going for an assessment for years. This was mostly because a) I didn't want to waste anyone's time (WTF?), and b) I figured I'd lived this long without knowing, I may as well continue (also, WTF?).

In the end, impulsivity won out (hello, ADHD!), and one day I just signed up to do an assessment privately rather than waiting for years through the NHS (this was another reason why I didn't want to go down that route - waiting is not my thing). When the assessment was done, I joked that my ADHD wanted me to know that I had ADHD.

If you're in the same boat as I was, I wanted to share what a difference a diagnosis has made. And this is even before starting any medication or therapy.

I feel validated.

There are so many things where I've had a lightbulb moment and announced "oh, that's why!". My struggles with time, getting organised, impulsivity, humming, stimming, sensitivities to light and sound, difficulties with verbal instructions, sleep issues, inability to focus, ability to hyperfocus, etc, all make perfect sense now.

I can also start looking into treatment and coping mechanisms to try to make my life a little easier when needed.

I feel in control. (for perhaps the first time ever)

I feel like I have permission to be kind to myself when I am struggling with things many people find easy.

But, on the flipside, I also feel sad.

If I'd been diagnosed sooner, would my life have been different? Would my academic journey have been different if there was support in place? Would I have left high school at 16 because of burn out, or would someone have supported me to do A-Levels? (I ended up doing a BTEC in Graphic Design at a college, so it wasn't all bad!). Would I have gone to university at a younger age, rather than waiting until I was 30?

These are all questions that I will never know the answer to. Maybe my life wouldn't have been different at all. Perhaps this is the path I was always supposed to take. And, to be honest, I'm doing alright (even if I do struggle).

Even so, I feel like something has been taken from me. So, I'm giving myself permission to mourn that for a little while.

So, if you're anything like me, and you're wondering whether or not to go for that assessment, please know that there are two sides of the coin. With that said, I feel like I made the right choice. I'm confident that this feeling of sadness will fade over time... and if it doesn't, I'll use it to fuel my creative projects. I don't know whether that's healthy or not.... Either way, there will be goblins!

[boreal-sea]

I wish I'd gone on meds for my anxiety sooner.

When I was getting my new undergrad degree six years ago, my then-therapist and I decided not to put me on meds, and to just teach me real coping strategies. That did help at the time, but the truth was, I was still relying on all my old strategies. I was still having panic attacks. I was still dealing with procrastination and executive functioning issues. At one point, I had a bit of a breakdown as I processed the fact that I thought this was just going to be my life forever: there was always going to be this time bomb in my head, waiting to go off, to send me into another panicking spiral.

I made it through undergrad, and got to grad school. I managed to cope for two years, but at the end of year three I broke down again. The "wait until the panic overcomes the procrastination and then binge work to finish the assignment" was not a technique that worked well in grad school, plus... it just... stopped working.

My brain had used too much adrenaline. It was broken. I could no longer panic-work.

I thought maybe it was ADHD causing these mountains of stress, making it impossible to work, because most people don't really talk about anxiety causing executive dysfunction. A thorough ADHD assessment (designed for children) that cost me $400 came back inconclusive, though an expert in adult ADHD who talked to me years prior said I had it.

So who knows if I have ADHD.

But I DEFINITELY have anxiety.

At this point my anxiety was in the 7-9 range on a daily basis. So my current psychiatrist said "I can't give you ADHD meds, and I know you don't believe it's the anxiety causing all this, but let's try out a daily anxiety med anyway". And since I was so stressed out, I gave it a try.

And it wasn't instant, it wasn't a huge change, it wasn't the miracle drug I'd heard people describe Adderall being. It didn't magically give me the ability to focus. But... it did make life a little better. I was still anxious but the heavy dread wasn't there. With some effort, I could actually work. My friends helped a lot, and we had writing days.

I noticed other things: events that in the past would have caused anxiety spirals weren't affecting me the same way. I wasn't feeling anxiety from moments of perceived disappointment from my advisors. I wasn't panicking about random events in my life.

It wasn't a huge difference, but it was enough to keep me working. And I'm incredibly thankful for it. I'm going to keep taking it, especially as my life becomes less stressful, because I want to see how relaxed and happy I actually can be. I consider myself a very chill, optimistic, positive person in general. I want to see how much more at peace I can be knowing there's not a bomb in my head. Waiting for the next thing that's going to cause a panic attack is exhausting. What will life be like without that?

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

[livesincerely]

it’s so easy (too easy) to love you, ch. 1

Also on Ao3

00000

Davey’s just gotten out of class—literally just walked out the door—when his phone starts ringing.

“Davey,” Tony says the moment he answers, not even giving Davey time to say hello, “can you swing by the apartment real quick?”

Davey sighs. “Are you locked out of the house again?”

There’s a guilty silence. Then, “Or maybe I just wanna see you, huh? You don’t know.”

“Tony.”

“Charlie’s the one that lost the spare,” Tony capitulates immediately, there’s an indignant “Hey!” somewhere in the background, “and I left my keys in my locker ‘cause I thought Charlie had his—”

There’s a scuffle of noise, then Charlie’s voice breaks in, “—don’t listen to him Davey, I asked him before we even got on the subway if he had his keys and he said he did but he didn’t even check—”

“—well, I thought you had yours, didn’t I?—”

“—and he was twenty minutes late picking me up from band practice because he was too busy making out with Spot Conlon to come help me carry my stuff—”

“—that was supposed to be a secret you little shit!”

“—you started it!”

Davey pulls the phone away from his ear as the other side of the line descends into a mess of indistinct yelling. He thinks about trying to get their attention, but he decides to just start heading towards the apartment, muting his side of the call while he waits them out—they’ll remember him eventually.

In the meantime, Davey sends a quick text:

Tony and Charlie locked themselves out of the house again

He’s not expecting a response, but Jack must be in-between projects because he gets one almost immediately.

jc again?

And you’re going to have to get a new spare made

fuck okay i’ll take care of it. are you heading over?

I’m walking there now

ur the light of my life dave

Davey can’t help but smile at this, a soft feeling fluttering in his chest. Before he can write back, Jack sends another text:

how did ur midterm go?

I feel good about it! Def did better than I thought it would!

duh youve been living in the library all week ofc ur gonna do great. ill swing by the grocery omw home and pick up some ice cream to celebrate. do we need anything else while im there?

Get a bell pepper and some tomato paste, I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner. And we need more laundry detergent.

fuck yes im starving! can we do garlic bread too?

Come home on time and we’ll see.

u drive a hard bargain. kerian owes me a favor so he can stay late tonight lol

“Davey?” The sound of Charlie’s voice, tinny and muffled, prompts Davey to lift his phone back to his ear; it seems like he might’ve been calling Davey’s name for a while. “Are you still there?”

“I’m still here,” Davey confirms.

“So are ya comin’ or what?” Tony cuts in, ever impatient. “I’m roasting out here!”

“Well, I was thinking about leaving you to ruminate on your poor life choices,” Davey responds dryly, “but I guess I can come let you in, since you asked so nicely.”

“Thanks, Davey,” Charlie says.

“I’ll be there soon,” Davey confirms.

“Hurry, will ya? Much longer and I’m gonna get heatstroke and die,” Tony declares.

Davey rolls his eyes. “Goodbye, Tony.”

00000

When he arrives at Jack’s building some twenty minutes later, Davey finds Tony and Charlie right where he expects them: crowded together in the little bit of shade the roof’s overhang offers, wearing identical grumpy expressions that brighten immediately when they spot him approaching.

"Finally!" Tony exclaims, shooting to his feet. "What took you so long?"

“Stop losing your keys and you won’t have to wait for me,” Davey counters, slotting his key into the deadbolt and hefting open the heavy exterior door. He props it open with his hip and lets Tony and Charlie scurry past him into the AC. “You couldn’t get anyone to buzz you in?”

“Old Man Davis hasn’t gotten his hearing aid replaced yet,” Charlie explains as they climb the stairs up to the second floor, “and Mrs. Ikeda isn’t home.”

“She joined a new book club,” Tony adds. “She won’t be back till late.”

“Oh, I’ll have to ask her about it when I see her next,” Davey muses.

He gets the apartment door unlocked and the boys pile inside, tossing their backpacks down with dramatic groans of relief.  Charlie makes a beeline for his bedroom; Davey expects Tony to do the same but he takes a seat at the kitchen table instead, booting up his laptop with a couple of keystrokes.

“I’ve got a paper due in English tomorrow,” Tony explains. “Can you look it over once it’s finished? Maybe later this evening”

“Of course,” Davey replies. “What’s it on?”

“Lord of the Flies.”

Davey’s nose wrinkles up. “Oh, I hated that one. What’s the essay prompt?”

“Identify Golding’s argument about human nature as proposed in Lord of the Flies,” Tony reads off the top of the assignment outline. “Then make an argument agreeing or disagreeing with his assessment, using evidence from the text.”

Davey rolls his eyes. “Good to see that high school literature classes haven’t changed much in the last few years,” he says with a sigh. “How much have you written so far?”

“Oh, I haven’t even started it yet,” Tony casually rebuts.

“Is everything going okay?” Davey asks, frowning slightly. “If things are getting worse we can make an appointment—”

But Tony waives his concerns aside. “Nah, this is regular old procrastination, not ADHD procrastination. Like ya said, Lord of the Flies sucks ass, so I just didn’t want to write it.”

“Well, let one of us know if you start having trouble,” Davey says.

"Okay, mom,” Tony agrees, somewhat distracted. He’s already got a blank document pulled up on his laptop, a battered and thoroughly dog-eared copy of the book laying open beside him.

Davey looks at him for another moment, then he shrugs and continues making his way into the kitchen—he figures there’s no need to worry unless Racer starts actually missing assignments. And he’s right: Lord of the Flies does suck ass.

By the time Jack gets home they’re each fully entrenched in different activities: Davey’s washed a sink full of dishes and is working on drying the last few pieces of silverware, Tony is still posted up at the kitchen table, carefully hammering out a draft of his paper, and there are the familiar sounds of Charlie working through different musical scales on his oboe in the back bedroom.

“Honey, I’m home!” Jack calls jokingly as he enters. There’s a rustle of plastic and soft thunk of the front door closing behind him, then he comes around the corner into the dining room with an armful of groceries.

“Hey, Jack,” Davey greets absently. He starts rifling through the bags almost before Jack can finish putting them down. “Did you get the tomato—?”

“I got the tomato paste,” Jack says, kicking off his shoes and leaving them in the entryway with all the others, “and I picked up some more of that fancy coffee you like from the place around the corner, even though it’s expensive as all hell.”

“Don’t judge me,” Davey replies, gathering up an armful of vegetables and carrying them further into the kitchen. “You spend a semester grading 'Intro to Shakespeare' homework and tell me how much caffeine you consume.”

“I’m just saying, the rest of us schmucks drink regular coffee and do just fine,” Jack continues. “You can feed your crippling caffeine addiction just as well with Folgers and it’ll cut down on the grocery bill.”

“Watch it, Kelly,” Davey says, pointing a finger teasingly in Jack’s direction. “Smartasses don’t get dinner.”

“‘s that so?” Jack asks with a grin. “Then why the hell are we still feeding Tony?”

“I heard that,” Tony grumbles from the kitchen table.

“Yeah, you were supposed to,” Jack says, moving over to Tony and slinging an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into a side hug. Tony bats at Jack’s hand but makes no real attempt to get away. Then Jack says, “So, I hear you and your brother lost another set of keys.”

Tony throws Davey a look of the deepest betrayal. “You told Jack?”

“Of course he did,” Jack says. “Someone’s gonna have to get new ones made, and it sure ain’t gonna be either half of the dynamic duo.”

“Charlie lost the spare,” Tony says, mercilessly throwing Charlie under the bus while he’s not in the room to defend himself. “And I didn’t lose my keys, I just left them in my locker.”

“Uh huh, save it for the judge,” Jack responds, ruffling Tony’s hair. “Just know if I end up having to change the deadbolt, it’s coming outta your subway money.”

“Jackie, leave Tony alone,” Davey comments mildly over Tony’s spluttering protests. “He needs to work on that paper and you’re distracting him.”

“Yeah, Jack,” Tony repeats, a little smug. “You’re distracting me.”

Davey turns to look at him, one eyebrow raised. Tony quickly busies himself with his homework.

Davey makes quick work of washing a green pepper and peeling an onion, then starts dicing both into small, neat pieces. He feels more than hears Jack sidle up behind him: the familiar weight of his gaze, the solid presence at his back. He stands there quietly, leaning against the counter-top and just watching Davey cook; unbothered, Davey leaves him be for the moment and moves to the stove, scraping the chopped vegetables off the cutting board and into a pan to start softening.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Davey glances over his shoulder at Jack and says, “Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me with this? You know there’s no loitering in my kitchen.”

“Well, I’m nothin’ if not a law abidin’ citizen,” Jack drawls in answer, the corner of his mouth quirking up. He rolls up his shirt sleeves, exposing the long, muscular line of his forearms, and washes his hands in the kitchen sink. “Where do you want me?”

Davey licks his lips. “Think you can handle browning the hamburger?”

“I’m sure I can manage,” Jack responds with a smirk.

Davey steps out of the way, letting Jack take his place in front of the sauce pan while he gets a pot of water set up on a different burner, salting it so it boils faster. They settle into their familiar dinner-routine, moving around and past each other with ease as they work on getting everything ready, chattering idly all the while.

“I’ve gotta head back out this evening,” Jack says at one point, as he sets the tray of garlic bread in the oven to toast. “Johnson’s got me working a night shoot and I have to be downtown by 9.”

“How long is the session?” Davey asks. “Here, will you open this?”

“We’re scheduled for five hours, but we might get to wrap it up early if everything goes well.” Jack’s hand brushes against the small of Davey’s back and they trade places again, Davey stepping back up to the stove-top and Jack rifling around in one of the drawers for a can opener.

“Are ya spendin’ the night or are ya headin’ back to campus?”

“Depends on how much help Tony needs with his paper,” Davey replies, shaking his head. He takes the can when Jack hands it back to him and empties it into the saucepan, then gives the whole thing a good stir. “We might be at it a while.”

Jack huffs out a laugh. “Well, if you do spend the night, go ahead and take the bed. The extra blankets are in the usual place.”

Davey sets down the spoon he’s holding, crossing his arms across his chest. “Jack,” he says warningly.

“Davey,” Jack echoes back in the exact same tone of voice. In the background there’s the faint sound of Tony muttering, “Jesus, not this again.”

“Jack, I’m not gonna kick you out of your bed,” Davey says, rehashing the same old argument for what feels like the millionth time. “I’m perfectly fine taking the couch.”

“Or you could do the smart thing and just take the bed,” Jack counters as he always does. “I’m not even gonna be here to use it.”

“You’ll want an actual mattress when you get home, especially if you’re out late.” Davey argues. “I don’t even have class tomorrow, it’ll be fine.”

“If you don’t take the bed I’ll just carry you in there once I get back,” Jack says, as if that's a perfectly reasonable course of action. “So you might as well save me the trouble.”

Davey sputters. “That’s not— You can’t just— That only happened a couple of times!” he finally gets out.

"Well, actually, it's been more like four or five times," Jack says with a smirk. "But hey, who's counting?"

"That trick won't keep working," Davey grumbles, feeling the back of his neck start to heat up.

“You sleep like a fucking rock, Dave,” Jack says, rolling his eyes. “Why wouldn’t it keep working?”

“No, see, that’s exactly why I should take the couch,” Davey insists. “It’s not like the sound of you coming in will wake me up—”

Jack turns to face him. Davey cuts off, slightly startled—he hadn’t realized they were standing so close to each other.

“Just take the bed, Davey,” Jack all but orders, and those dark eyes with that low voice are a heady combination. “Please?”

Davey bites at his lower lip, suddenly flustered. “Fine,” he reluctantly concedes, hoping Jack will attribute his flushed face to the heat of the kitchen. “Just this once.”

"Thank you," Jack says with a dramatic heave of his chest, looking much too pleased with himself. "Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"You're letting the garlic bread burn," Davey answers tartly.

"Oh shit—!"

00000

Later that evening, after they’ve all finished eating and have cleaned up, Davey, Tony, and Charlie are still gathered around the table, working on various assignments.

Davey is finishing the readings for his Monday lecture in between helping Tony finalize the exact wording of his essay. Charlie sits opposite him, working through his geometry homework and every so often there’s a huff of breath and the rubbery scratch of an eraser—Davey makes a mental note to swipe some more pencils and notebook paper from the grad lounge when he’s there next.

Davey notices the time and frowns. “Jack,” he calls out, “it’s already 7:30. If you don’t leave soon you’re gonna be late for work.”

There’s a clamor of noise from down the hall, then Jack appears, freshly showered and fumbling to put on his socks and button up a clean shirt at the same time.

“Fuck, Johnson is gonna kill me,” Jack grumbles. He pats down his pockets, then groans. “Christ, has anyone seen my—”

“Your wallet and keys are on the counter by the microwave,” Davey says, pointing. “And take a jacket, it’s supposed to rain later.”

“Great, I’m sure the models will love that,” Jack says with a groan. “Hopefully we’ll be able to get through everything without getting rained out.”

He meanders his way over to the table, peering at Charlie’s homework from over his shoulder. “If Tony is still busy and ya get stuck, text me,” Jack tells him. “I probably won't be able to answer right away, but if ya send me a picture of the problem I can probably talk ya through it between shots.”

Charlie hums his acknowledgment, still scribbling furiously. Jack turns to Tony.

“Listen to whatever Davey tells you about your paper,” he advises. “The only reason I got through undergraduate writing was ‘cause Davey proofread all my shit before I turned it in.”

“I thought I was s’pposed to always listen to Davey,” Tony says distractedly, tongue poking out between his teeth as he types.

Jack pauses, considering. “Yeah, just do that.”

“Jack—”

“Oh, and Dave cooked, so you shitheads better do the dishes, get me?”

“Jack, you’re gonna be late,” Davey cuts in firmly, holding out Jack’s jacket for him.

“Alright, I’m going,” Jack says, shrugging it on, and he finally starts making moves towards the door.

He gives Charlie one last pat on the shoulder and cuffs Tony lightly across the back of the head in a slightly rougher, but no less affectionate goodbye, which is per usual. Then he turns to Davey, tips his chin up, and kisses him right on the mouth, short and sweet.

“Lock the door behind me and don’t forget to—” Jack stops mid-sentence, then turns bright red.

“Um,” says Charlie.

“Holy shit,” says Tony.

Jack’s mouth opens and closes soundlessly. Finally, he stammers out, “I u-uh— I-I d-didn’t mean—“

Davey doesn’t respond. He couldn’t, even if he wanted to—he’s frozen in place, his mind a sudden wash of static. For a moment, they just stare at each other. Then Jack blurts, “gottagoseeyoulaterbye,” and bolts out the front door.

Davey’s not sure how long he stands there, staring blankly into space, utterly dumbfounded.

“Davey?” Charlie asks hesitantly. “Are you okay?”

There’s a strangled, choking noise. A split second later, Davey realizes it’s coming from him.

"...What just happened?"

[eyeslikefoxglove]

Episode 4 - Meng Yao has a crush & Foxglove likes to babble

Hello everybody, welcome to episode 4. I slept like a baby last night, but I have a migraine so I may sound a bit incoherent. (Post episode Foxglove here, I’m not incoherent in this, I’m just ranty)

Poor WWX. Funny story, during my first? Second? Year of Med School I fell aspleep on my biophysics notes during exam period, woke up at 9pm when my alarm for my meds started ringing, realised what I’d done and called my mum (who was on a 24h shift at the hospital) crying. In hindsight is hilarious because I had something like two weeks until the exam so I lost no more than a few hours but oh well.

Full disclosure here: I don’t like the Lan sect, LXC, LWJ and the Ducklings excluded I think they’re a bunch of hypocrites. You can’t call yourself righteous and boast about your almost 4000 rules and then shrug when people decide to commit genocide.

Also, 4000-ish rules? Fuck that noise, there’s a post floating around here where some amazing soul translated what they could see of the Wall of Rules and yeah, some of them are in the “don’t be an asshole, don’t hurt yourself or others” vein which, absolutely fair. But things like “dress properly” who are you to tell me what and how I cover my body with? “Don’t be promiscuous” wow thanks for the slut shaming my dudes. “Don’t smile foolishly/don’t smile too much”, “sit properly”, “don’t be too sad”, “don’t be too happy”. You’re telling me these are rules, not guidelines, not common sense stuff. RULES. You’re telling me people get punished for grinning or crying. Fuck off mate.

And we can’t forget the golden example of hypocrisy “Don’t talk to Wei Wuxian” so much for “don’t speak ill of others”.

Is my Western Girl showing? I’m sorry, I’m from Spain and I was raised by the guidelines “don’t be an asshole, don’t hurt yourself or others, don’t take anyone’s bullshit, live and let live, have courage and be kind, we will always love and support you” so some stuff in here is very very grating. I don’t have enough knowledge about the culture to discern if it is because of my modern sensibilities or because my culture is so different.

Oooooohhh I don’t like birds. I mean, I love crows, ravens and birds of prey to an unhealthy degree, but they keep their distance. The other day a pigeon flew into my building and decided that my (very dark) doorstep was the place to have a rest. I screamed like a banshee.

Hey, those two assholes at the back, get the fuck out of here.

LXC protective mode activated.

You will never convince me Meng Yao did not develop a monster crush right then and there.

Oh no. It’s this asshole.

Oh WangJi about to cut a bitch.

Drag him WWX.

MY’s protective mode activated.

And LXC is too done with this shit. Yep, NHS also thinks MY got a massive crush.

WQ aka Qishan Wen’s only braincell.

It’s the One Braincell Trio!

Notice me sempai! Omg JC’s faces.

This is where I dump all my canon-divergence AUs:

Meng Yao stays in Cloud Recesses. He and LXC keep gazing longingly into each other’s eyes.

NHS introduces him to the other two from the One Braincell Trio. WWX takes one look at him and goes “yep, you’re my friend now, I’m kneecapping anybody who fucks with you.” Because there’s no way he wouldn’t be sympathetic to MY after his own childhood (omg, both of them drunk, making terrible gallows’ humour jokes about living poor and mostly homeless while JC and NHS just listen horrified). JC goes into overprotective bro mode with MY. I mean, he still can’t emote for shit but he’s made very very sure that he will cut a bitch for MY and at least he knows MY has a brain, not like someone else he knows.

Shijie makes friends with MY because Shijie is a goddess and MY is so confused because how the hell does someone so kind exist? And she wants to be friends? And she doesn’t care at all about his past? What? MY.exe has stopped working.

Maybe JZX gets his head out of his ass and goes to talk to MY and warn him about what an asshole JGS is, because I refuse to think JZX doesn’t know it. Maybe MY hears him disparaging Shijie and decides that nope, the Jins can fuck right off every single one of them is a rude idiot; it’s ok with him because of his parentage (it’s not ok) but no one touches Shijie. The Yunmeng sibs is where it is at.

And that’s when he unleashes his full Slytherin powers on behalf of his new family. Because he does indeed have a fully functioning brain and shit is going to get really ugly really fast for all the people he loves if he doesn’t try and mitigate the damage somehow.

(A lot of mutual XiYao pinning is going on in the background because I live for the angst ok. LWJ fully approves of him as a brother-in-law tho)

A lot of terrible shit still happens because this is my AU and I want pain, but not only does JGS not have MY’s enormous brain on his side when he tries to seize power, he’s actively working against him (you can’t tell me MY wouldn’t get the kick of his life publicly bringing down and exposing his terrible father).

I’m sorry, back to the commentary.

This two idiots omg.

It’s WQ! Drag him WQ (gently)

I’m going to channel my ballet teacher here for a second: put your hair up! (You bunch of spider crabs, as she would call us)

I mean, JC’s hair is clearly in his face when he’s doing drills and, while the visual of all that dark hair whipping in the wind with the robes (another beef I have, they look like they’d catch on everything) is very dramatic I can assure you it’s fucking annoying. Plus it limits your visual field a lot. Again, I know jack about the culture and people can fly on swords here so why am I complaining about hair but let me live.

I used to have that much hair (then I got a pixie, now I’m growing it back out) and smacking yourself on the face with your own braid hurts.

Shijie knows what’s up with Jiang “I can only show anger” Cheng.

My one track mind when I saw the fish: Anisakis!

I think I would absolutely become a vegetarian if I got dropped in the past tbh. Not only is there no quality control of animal products (hello Trichinella), there’s also no way to do a proper cold storage (hello Salmonella). I’ve read and seen to many horror stories due to contaminated animal byproducts and, while vegetables pose their own risk (hello E. Coli) usually you only have to be thorough at washing and peeling to not have trouble.

5am wake up call without coffee. Fuck that noise.

Wei “I’m a petty gremlin” Wuxian.

I once called WWX a “mad scientist with ADHD” on an AO3 comment and I stand by that assessment.

Ok, but why the turtle caricature? It’s because turtles are “old and wise” like LQR? Is that the joke? Or are they laughing at WWX’s balls?

AW NO PAPERMAN.

“Tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood? // Where, would you look if I asked you to get me a bezoar? // And what is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?” It’s pretty much the same energy. LQR is Ancient magic China’s version is Severus Snape down to the pettiness. He tries to catch WWX in a mistake, and when he can’t he dismisses his knowledge (look at Shijie’s face when he says WWX should not be proud to know what he does). He keeps pushing until WWX’s runs into a wall, then uses LWJ to “show him how it’s done” I mean, look how smug he looks and how uncomfortable everyone else is.

“Pity... clearly, fame isn't everything.”

(No, I don’t like LQR and I don’t like Severus Snape either; tragic past and sacrifices do not give you a pass to abuse children don’t @ me, I’m not interested in changing my mind)

And here is where all my “mad scientist with ADHD” hc stem from.

“No screaming in Cloud Recesses.” Screams LQR (yes, I’m 100% that bitch)

WEN NING IS HERE HI WN YOURE SO PRECIOUS.

But intercepting an arrow mid flight is some Geralt of Rivia Witcher bullshit right there.

Detective Wei strikes again.

The scenery is gorgeous my god.

Can we talk again about how this 16-year-old boy reacted to someone sneaking up on him by drawing his sword and attacking? That’s not fucking normal, that’s a common reflex in soldiers or people with PTSD.

(The Netflix translation has him calling LWJ “WangJi” and I die)

Thanks for reading!

[talesofasufferingwitch]

Weed and Ana Masterpost

Weed: The benefits, the downsides, and some general information that should be more universally known.            Because of the legalization of weed in Canada, and the imminent legalization of recreational cannabis in the United States (sorry UK, I am not familiar with your marijuana laws but I am assuming that you are similar with the states. Correct me if I am wrong).             There are a million and one different benefits of cannabis, but with every good thing we see in the world, there is an equal amount of bad. For thousands and thousands of years, women used cannabis to aid with menstrual pain and childbirth, as well as headaches, nausea, lethargy, and more. The plant fibre itself was used for clothing, building material, food, and even fuel. Within the last 100 years, weed has been criminalized and decriminalized, thrown through clouds of hatred and lies, and was used as a tool to harm an entire class of citizens.            But as we have seen recently, a lot of the propaganda from the “war on drugs” is being disproved. And now that we have easier access, we can get more information from this infamous herb. Pros and Cons:            CBD, (Cannabidiol), is a compound within Marijuana. It is the compound that most people associate with overall anxiety relief, pain reduction, and mental function enhancer. CBD also reacts chemically with Collagen, increasing the healing process of bones and joints. Because of the CBD within the weed itself, smoking, vaping, and/or consuming canabis is highly beneficial for mental health issues as well as physical ailments. CBD reacts to our natural Cannabinoid receptors in our brain; we all naturally create THC (the compound that gives us the “high” sensation), and allows our brain to secrete more serotonin.           Depression is one of the most widespread, yet least talked about medical conditions in America, and research is showing that cannabis can help relieve people. Compounds like CBD and weeds different terpenes restore normal endocannabinoid function, and potentially helps stabilize moods and ease depression. IN CORRECT DOSES cannabis can alleviate anxiety disorders. In large amounts, cannabis can cause anxiety. “Start low, go slow” is a fun little saying that we like to use in the cannabis industry when talking to new users.               For patients with ADHD or ADD, cannabis provides a more effective and safer treatment to aid focus than Ritalin and Adderall when using the correct strain. A strain that promotes focus and concentration (like Sour Diesel) is extremely useful in small amounts. Lets remember, the best remedies require the least amount.

           Not only can cannabis aid in remedying mental and physical ailments, it can help treat extreme addictions! Individuals addicted to serious drugs like heroin, opiates, and cocaine are showing promise in ridding themselves of their addictions through cannabis therapy. Weed is providing a safer and much more controlled means of getting “high” and aiding the rehabilitation process in alcoholics as well as people, such as my husband, who are at a high risk of getting liver disease. There is a small chance of becoming dependant to cannabis, but I will talk about that later.

           You’ll never guess whats coming next; weed improves LUNG HEALTH. Lung cancer and emphysema have been shown to regress when cannabis is thrown into the mix. The smoke is damaging to the lungs, so to avoid that damage, ingesting cannabis via edible, tincture, or vapor is the safer alternative.

           Cognitive degeneration is pretty much unavoidable, but the good news is that studies are showing cannabis can stop the progression of Alzheimer’s.

           Cannabis reduces pain, spasms, nausea, PTSD, headaches, and asthma. The herb works as a bronchodilator, so when vaped or eaten, those suffering with asthma have better control of their coughing fits. However, it can lower blood pressure, but beware because it can lower blood glucose levels as well and spike hypoglycemia (again I will talk about later). 

The Economic benefits of cannabis: It can be used as a food source as a source of protein! It is used to create protein powders, and seeds can be purchased for consumption. It is creating new industries, cultivation, processing, sales outlets, and there will be more to come as legalization continues across the world. Traffic deaths have gone down, people are succumbing to the substitution effect; people are choosing pot over alcohol. 

Cannabis can help your pets, offering relief from pain and anxiety. It helps bad dreams, as it impacts the REM sleep part of the cycle, the part of the cycle where you dream. Those with chronic fatigue syndrome are effectively treated with certain cannabis compounds, terpenes, and strains, and on the flip side with other strains it can help you sleep.

Precautions: Weed is not for everybody. Mental health professionals warn against people with Bipolar Disorder and Psychosis from consuming. This is again, all individual. It is up to the patients discretion.            Those with family histories of schizophrenia, psychosis, multiple personality, and other personality-based disorders may pose the risk of bringing them on in themselves. 1 in 4 cannabis users with such a family history have said that their symptoms only appeared after smoking weed. We do not know, as this is anecdotal evidence. Hopefully more will arise as we are able to do more studies. A curious finding among people with schizophrenia and other pshychoses is that a history or marijuana use is linked with improved performance on tests assessing learning and memory.

           Despite what everyone tells you, weed is addicting, but not in the way you think. People become dependant on cannabis, not addicted. The reason why is not so dissimilar to someone to takes Advil everyday or prescription medication, it makes life … better. People become “dependant” on it because of the many benefits it brings to an individuals life, including my own. People get “bitchy” and “moody” without it because weed is a mood stabilizer and we would be “bitchy” if it wasn’t for cannabis in the first place.

Ending the stigma: People go around saying that cannabis decreases productivity and motivation levels. This is simply false. For lots of people, the medical benefits gained from cannabis (like pain management and mood management) make them more productive! Stoners burn approximately 1.3x the amount of calories on average that a non-user does, and even though stoners are shown to consume higher amounts of calories, the food choices are often better. We see a lot of the “junk food munchies” posts making fun of it, but in reality, stoners are more likely to make more consistent healthier food choices. 

Weed and ED; choosing what is right for you:            Cannabis users have been shown to be slimmer on average than non-users. This is because cannabis helps the body regulate insulin production, and manage caloric intake more efficiency. A common use for medical cannabis is to help regulate eating patterns. Whether you eat too much or too little.           Precautions: those of us struggling with an eating disorder where we are not taking in the correct amount of calories can be subjected to one of the absolute worst feelings in the world; hypoglycemia. Blood sugar (due to marijuana’s insulin response) and blood pressure drop considerably. You get nauseous, dizzy, confused, and HOT. Clammy, feeling like blacking out hot. This is dangerous. Always make sure that you have something around you, be it a Gatorade or a protein bar. You could die.

So now, how do you choose the right strain for you?           Terpenes: Terpenes are the flavour or smell of the weed you have. These are what differentiate the strains from one another, other than of course the basic indica vs. sativa argument. The terpenes are what cause the main benefit differences too, some promote relaxation and stress-relief, while other promote focus and acuity. The main terpenes are: Limonene, Pinene, Caryophyllene, Myrcene, and Linalool. Now, if you don’t know the difference between sativa and indica, here you go;            Sativa effects are more invigorating, uplifting, cerebral, and pair well with physical activity, social gatherings, and creative projects. Indica provides a more relaxed, physically sedating “couch-lock” feeling and is best before a movie or bedtime. Indica also is the strain that is said to promote “munchies”.            The ONLY reason these two differ, as every strain is a hybrid of the two, is the terpenes and cannabinoids.             If you go to smell something you like, does it smell citrusy? (Limonene) Or floral? (Linalool) Or is it spicy? (Caryophyllene) Does it have a musk? (Myrcene). Everything has a scent profile, and that consists of these terpenes. Me specifically, I love my citrusy and earthy strains, because that is what flavour profile sits with me best. They give me energy and don’t give me the munchies, unlike an indica strain which would commonly have Linalool, which is most commonly found in lavender, and is more relaxing.

            So, to pick the right strain for you. Start low, with a low dose (smaller bowl) and lower THC content if you can see the content. If you want to buy legally, you have the option of discussing your concerns/questions with one of the retail members there. There is exstensive training for Canadian employees so depending on who you talk to, you can get a lot of information! Decide whether you want an energizing or sedating effect (but I will warn you, Indica is KNOWN for the munchies. Sativa’s I find do not give you that appetite stimulation as much, only specific strains). And, if you can, keep a journal of the strains you’ve tried and liked. That will help you choose in the future. 

So, dealing with the munchies.            If you did pick a strain that is an appetite booster (Leafly.com is an amazing reference to see the terpenes, and overall benefits of the strain you are choosing), or if you just so happen to get the munchies (me, beig a seasoned stoner do not get that appetite boost as often anymore), here are some tips to deal with it:            -Always have a way to distract yourself. Be it tumblr, video games, sleeping, anything. Food tastes amazing while high, but music sounds just as good as the food tastes. Let your other senses wander freely            -Have a safe snack food, one low in calories. I have the tendency to crave salt, so I have those Special K brand crisps that are 80 calories for 27 of them. One whole bag is less than 500 calories, so I know I have a safe food.            - Smell something minty or sweet, it will trick your brain into sending the satiety signals. My favourite is a peppermint and grapefruit mix.            - Brush your teeth and floss. I love the feeling of a clean mouth, and honestly, we all don't do that enough.            -And most of all, know yourself. Know the strain and how it makes you feel. If you know it gives you munchies, try having tea and coffee a couple times during your high, or make preparations to avoid eating. It sounds odd, but it is actually comforting to pay attention to your own triggers and what you need.

          If you are new to using, here’s a few tips. Always try it with a trusted group of friends, you never know how you will react. Small bowls if it is a bong, stick to one puff/bowl until you know how you are reacting, takes a couple minutes to fully set in, but a couple seconds to feel it. Holding it in longer does not make you more high, that is a lie. The THC passes the blood barrier within seconds of entering the lungs. The reason why you may feel more high is because 1) your brain is not getting any more oxygen, and so of course you will feel light headed. That happens any time you hold your breath. 2) holding it in will probably make you cough, because it is an irritant to the lungs because it is smoke, and coughing opens up the lower chambers of the lungs and allows the smoke to touch more surface area, therefore absorbing faster. Don’t listen to anyones lies, exhale that bigass cloud be a baller, astound the with these FACTS.           If you are trying edibles/oils, only take one dose, and wait at least an hour. Trust me when I say that you will melt into the couch and it will not feel as comfortable as you think. Being stuck inside your head for 8+ hours is not how I like spending my time, thank you very much. I assume you think the same.           Never be afraid to ask questions about origin or reach out to someone with your concerns. One day being that aware and cognizant of what you are experiencing could save your (or someone elses) life.

           All in all, weed is an amazing gift that the world has given us to use. But with everything we are given, we also have a responsibility to use it wisely and within our means. And as with every gift, there is also a price to pay. It is not in itself inherently evil or good, it is how we use it. 

With much love,

Your friendly neighbourhood witch.

[venn364]

Wed 12Feb2020 - Brain Check-in

A new year means a new shrink and yet another set of mindfulness exercises designed to make my life less of a horror show. 

Since I can’t take any anti-depressants that touch my serotonin or any of the fun ones that do other things to your brain chemistry because they give my extremely vivid visual hallucinations I’m pretty much trapped in an eternal loop of experimental meds and/or new brain exercises designed to help me deal with things to varying levels of success so here goes:

Ten small things I accomplished today

Purchased groceries for dinner

Checked my emails

Did some dishes

Remembered to take my ADHD meds

Did a wipe down and some basic maintenance on my wireless keyboard

Watered my plants

Cleaned the cat boxes

Updated Printer Firmware

Phoned & Emailed screenshots to Epson Support re: a problem with the website when trying to create an account.

Emailed Cert IV Tutor with questions

Five big things I accomplished today

Completed the basic Online Orientation for my Cert IV

Updated my Resume & Cover Letter

Made this list twice because Tumblr ate the first one

Did a load of laundry, hung it out to dry and put another load in the machine on a delay timer so it washes itself tomorrow morning.

Put in a job application

Five things I would like to accomplish tomorrow

Buy the tools I need to do a deep clean on my wireless keyboard

Complete the Study Skills Learning & Assessment Modules for my Cert IV

Buy replacement spools for the whipper snipper from Bunnings

Submit docs to update name on Blue Card (need to locate a JP)

Give myself a haircut

Five things I would like to accomplish this week

Find out what date the Local Council Elections are in my area. The only date given so far is the vagary of “sometime in March”

Purchase replacement ink for my printer

Make a simple grammar reference sheet to put on my wall for when I’m working that covers the things I keep needing to look up

Assemble the bookshelf I purchased in January

Plan how I will tackle my first piece of Cert IV Assessment

Five things I didn’t like about today

Bought a lot of junk food when I got the dinner groceries

Spilled milk on my desk while I was working

It rained all day and I couldn’t mow the lawn like I wanted to

Had an anxiety attack at about 2 in the afternoon. Elephant on chest, the urge to hyperventilate, shakes, an inability to sit still, lost the ability to concentrate on what I was doing. 

I was too stressed out to write any fic today and since that’s one of my favourite ways of relaxing that made me even more stressed 

Were any of these within my control to influence. Why/why not? For the things I can control, how can I improve things for myself/make things easier next time? Do I already have a system in place to make this easier/less of a problem?

1)  Bought a lot of junk food when I got the dinner groceries

This is within my ability to influence. 

I went shopping hungry and without a grocery list. Next time I should try to eat or have a snack shortly before I go to the shops and write a list for what I want to purchase. 

I should try to include one item of junk food on the list because the list is a tool to help me remain on task and within budget. It should not be a way to and not a punish myself for bad habits. 

2) Spilled milk on my desk while I was working

This is within my ability to influence. 

I should try and remember to put the cap on my sippy cup when I’m not drinking from it. It can only do it’s job in helping prevent spills if I keep up the habit of using it correctly. 

Because I always try to use the special cup when drinking at my desk the spill was small and easily cleaned up. My habit of keeping important paper on the shelf next to me or sitting in my filing try meant that nothing important was damaged.  

3) It rained most of the day and I couldn’t mow the lawn like I wanted to

The rain is beyond my ability to influence.

However, I knew it was likely to rain toady because of the weather report and planned to mow the lawn anyway in the vain hope that it would remain dry. It’s due to thunderstorm for the next week so I should set a reminder to check the weather again for this time next week and try to make some plans for then.

Next time I should try to set a more achievable goal for myself as not accomplishing this upset me and caused me difficulty throughout the day.

4) Anxiety Attack

The onset of an anxiety attack is beyond my ability to influence. 

However, after realising that I was having one I walked away from what I was doing at the time to focus on physical tasks, such as cleaning, that did not involve intense concentration and listened to an audiobook while my body relaxed. 

I dealt with it and got through it as best I could and managed it well enough that it did not prevent me from getting things done, even if those things weren’t part of my original plan.

5) Too stressed out to write any fic today & got even more stressed out after realising I couldn’t get my brain to focus

Late in the day this kind of stress is, for the most part, beyond my ability to influence. 

I eventually decided to watch a few cartoons instead of writing. Not quite as fun but still relaxing 

[fyompi]

Remembering Final Fantasy X-2

It’s hard to assess whether to call X-2 “good,” but if I did, I wouldn’t mean “good” in the most traditional sense. The game is an unnecessary sequel to one of the best Japanese role-playing games ever made, and turns a somber, existential, occultist storyline into an upbeat comedy. 

What’s weird is that I don’t dislike this at all. Final Fantasy games have always been funny, and have arguably relied more on their world building than actual plot. They’re visually super interesting. Their character and monster designs are discussed more now than anything that actually happens in them. 

Maybe somebody from Enix realized this, for better or worse. There’s nothing about the structure and framework of the Final Fantasy series that limits them to being strictly dramas. Recognizing that fact made the existence of a comedy entry sort of an inevitability. 

Final Fantasy X-2 is effectively a magical girl anime. A genre of anime that is notably, and characteristically created for girls. Transformation sequences, in which a teenage female character changes outfits from regular surface-level Earthling attire, to a vibrant and glittery superhero popstar, is a mainstay in the genre. Usually, these shows were divided into two segments: one depicting the main character’s day-to-day “normal” life, like a regular sitcom, and then later changing into an action fantasy show for like five minutes. The bulk of the shows had little to do with the fighting, and more to do with the lives of the characters. Over many seasons, you see this character grow up, make friends, go on dates, have her heart broken, and sometimes even have kids. It makes the serious aspects of the show feel heavier, once you’ve gotten to know this person. 

I love these shows. Sailor Moon is one of the best looking animated television shows ever made. Every frame is a work of art, and every person I know who grew up enjoying it has amazing fashion sense today. 

Taking the already pretty flamboyant, and visually-unorthodox world of Final Fantasy, and turning into a magical girl anime makes a ton of sense, despite it being in the same world as something so drastically different. Tidus, the main character from Final Fantasy X, was already modeled after a real world Japanese pop star from the nineties, and Tetsuya Nomura’s fashion sense might be the most striking aspect of the series. It’s a series dripping in glitzy, futuristic visual design. The influence these games have had on my personal taste in art can’t be understated. 

I would even go as far as to say, watching my cousins play Final Fantasy X-2 is the most critical reason I have any interest in fashion today. Which might be hard to imagine for some, given how incredible gauche some of the outfits can be in this game. But to me, playing these games with other people felt like watching the Met Gala; you bicker with your friends at the sight of every new outfit, whether it’s beautiful or horrendous, and slowly the line dividing the two begins to fade into abstraction. That’s how I felt looking at all the different outfits in Final Fantasy X-2 as a child. I understood why fashion is fun, and realized that girls my age were smarter than I was giving them credit for. 

Like a year later, I went to my friend’s birthday party and met his older cousins who were also into Final Fantasy, and I told them that Final Fantasy X-2 was my favorite game in the series.  They all proceeded to yell at me for ten straight minutes about how awful it was. I didn’t tell them that I had never actually played the game, only looked at it, and decided that it was my favorite thing to look at. I remember very vividly, one of them was wearing smokey eyeliner, and I really liked looking at him too. Something about his eyeliner made me think he’d appreciate X-2 more than he did, and I was disappointed when he complained about the lack of plot, and how it “ruined” his favorite entry in the series. I didn’t tell them that I liked the game because of the outfits because I was too embarrassed to, so instead I told them the battle system was really good, which I had heard was the case, from people who’d actually played it. One nodded and said “yeah, that battle system is pretty freaking good. You ever played  F. F. 2 though?” 

“No.” “2’s got an even better battle system. If you like that kinda stuff you gotta play that game.”

He meant Final Fantasy 4, released in America as Final Fantasy 2. I was a senior in high school when I realized that’s what he meant. When he had told me though, I didn’t want to play either, because those games weren’t three-dimensional, and they didn’t have voice acting, and they didn’t have cute outfits like X-2 did. 

My appreciation for the series wasn’t as “deep” as theirs but the world captured me just the same. That same year, I had played Kingdom Hearts 2, and then Kingdom Hearts 1, and decided Kingdom Hearts 2 was the better game because you got to play as Roxas, who has objectively better hair than Sora. I played on Easy, and never equipped any items or abilities to my character because I didn’t like looking at the menus, and didn’t like reading tutorials. I just wanted to see the world, I didn’t really care about what was really going on in it. It was absolutely impossible, playing it this way. 

I couldn’t relate when the boys at the party were bragging about beating Kingdom Hearts 1 on level 1, or beating Riku first-try, or playing through the Japanese-exclusive Kingdom Hearts 2: Final Mix, because it had a “critical mode” which was harder than the hardest difficulty in the American release of the game. All of this was really strange to me, and I felt really stupid that I couldn’t ever imagine being that good at a videogame. That was also the first moment it occurred to me that calling a game I’ve never played “my favorite game” was sorta fraud-behavior. They lived in these games, and I was a tourist. I realized that most of the people who played, and enjoyed Final Fantasy X enough to both complete it, and buy it’s sequel, are people like them. The game did not cater to these people. They later took me to their computer desk and had me watch five back-to-back episodes of Red vs. Blue on youtube. I couldn’t follow any of what was going on in any episode. 

Eventually, I got around to playing Final Fantasy X-2, and the battle system was as good as everybody told me it would be. It’s too good. It’s sometimes so good, that I forget how shallow the rest of the game is. It’s so good that it makes me hate how little the game focuses on it. 

A simple RPG with a tight battle system, and little story, is fine by me. Dragon Quest games are incredibly straightforward, in the best way possible. The substance of the battles, and the quaintness of the adventure, makes every game incredibly charming. Final Fantasy X-2 unfortunately, tries to add substance where there is none, by forcing the player to complete very boring mini-games after every story advancement. This is the director’s way of constantly reminding the player of the upbeat, and non-serious tone of the game. But instead, these sequences are wastes of time, that feel like distractions, from the empty storyline. They’re also so difficult to watch in 2019.

I don’t need to be distracted though, because I don’t mind a jrpg that isn’t an epic. I just want a game that’s about something. If the gameplay was only traversing the world, and honing the battle system, that would be enough for me. But instead, it becomes clear to me early on that the team didn’t know who to cater to. The primary audience for magical girl anime might be turned off by the blatant objectification of the three main characters, and the primarily male audience of Final Fantasy don’t seem to want an electric popist sitcom to be their non-plot. 

On top of that, the voice acting is a lot worse than I remember, and the Playstation 2 doesn’t really have the hardware to adequately depict X-2’s nautical sci-fi fashion, except in fully CGI cutscenes, which are incredibly rare in this game. And in the few CGI cutscenes that do exist, the directors get to choose what outfits the characters are in, which aren’t the outfits I would ever choose, because they aren’t the Black Mage outfits. The outfits they wear in the box-art are the outfits they wear in every CGI cutscene. Every other outfit is limited to the blocky in-game models. I can’t even find high definition concept art of these outfits. It’s a shame, because some of them are amazing. 

On top of that, I don’t actually get to know these characters well. The character progression, which made X amazing, and made shows like Sailor Moon substantive, isn’t there. For all the bells and whistles they put in the game, nothing actually matters. Yuna is upbeat and cute, Rikku is young and adhd, and Paine is goth. That’s really it, for the whole game. The script is very rarely funny enough to get away with such shallow characters. It loses its charm incredibly quickly. 

That depleting likability is a big issue when the game’s substance comes in its side quests. This game is a nightmare to 100% complete, and since the primary collectibles are the outfits, the game really makes you feel like a loser when you miss anything. The most interesting part of the game is hidden behind the worst parts, and made me realize how privileged I was to have my cousin do all that for me, and let me see the good parts. 

So, I begrudgingly understand, and agree with the criticism, of a game so tailor-made to my specific taste. I wish I could recommend it to people, but I don’t know anybody with the attention span required to make this game worthwhile. What’s especially sad is the fact that, if this game were a lot better, it might have successfully opened the creative gates of Final Fantasy games to their audience. To this day, Americans still seem to think that a jrpg’s quality is defined by the plot alone. There’s so much more going on with the genre, that can be attributed to many different types of experiences, and unfortunately, Final Fantasy X-2 is far from an adequate example of this. 

[poetic-beats]

Update:

I am now having to compile a list of evidence and issues to give to PALS so they can do an independent investigation of my issues about my treatment by the psychiatrists lodge.  I have now seen both psychiatrists who now work there. And had the manager who I still have not been told if he is even a qualified mental health professional or just a managerial role person because he seemed to judge me based on my diagnosis and without reading any of the reports on me or talking to me or bringing me in for assessment again after crisis team referral he seemed to know exactly who i am what my issues are and what i need.

Like no. He also was doing this illegally as when crisis team refers me back to them I LEGALLY get an appointment and reassessment of my needs..

They cant just assume and tell me this is what I am entitled to before i have been assessed.

This psychiatrist I saw yesterday was all about heres your meds now fuck off. He seemed to listen better to my mum at least. However he was not that welcoming and he also got caught in a lie. He kept saying the same rhetoric as the manager that the GP letter I REQUEST to see under the freedom of information of my personal records blah blah act is supposedly my care plan i questioned this then he says oh well DBT and psychologist care is when you get a full care plan I said I DID do DBT i was on the course for some time before i had to quit.

I never was told about a care plan.

Then i say btw right behind you on the wall is a new NHS board outlining specifically care plans and my entitlement to them ITS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

I already know the law and NICE and NHS guidelines and rulings but in case I didnt its literally there in the waiting room we are in behind you.

He then admits finally that I AM NOT in fact receiving a care plan as that is only for certain people they have a limited number of people who are eligible to receive that even though the NHS and ELFT who covers and runs the care for my area his bosses way up basically above manager of meadow lodge have clearly outlined with NHS and NICE guidelines a care plan isnt something you are assessed to receive It is something I should just have...the bloody board behind him my dad took a pic of It had like a thing where it said you say this ‘ xyz’ and then on the other side it had what this means and what the care provider is expected to do in response and it outlines a care plan what it is and what you receive and how it works.

So its like well that makes no mention of you deciding who gets a care plan rather I should have one and in case I dont i should just have to say and ask what the board suggests to ask and you should respond according to the NHS with a care plan discussed with ME and that WE both decide upon crisis plan of action long and short term goals for my recovery and progress and discuss an integrative approach with a FULL CMHT...something yet again they should be offering but dont. As the manager put it im not in crisis enough to warrant this care that is meant to be pretty standard care not for specially in crisis people. And as for crisis well im not sure how much worse i needed to get. other than my GP almost calling an ambulance on me but instead getting me a same day referral to a crisis team who spoke to me til gone 8pm that night until i was stable enough to leave and go home and in the mean time they’d handle a referral back to meadow lodge in which i was told the appointment system should run smooth instead my parents fought tooth and nail to not just get an appointment in which the manager told me exactly what i would be offered before i’d even been for assessment but he had to fight for a fair assessment one which follows NICE guidelines and standard code of practice for re referrals which basically means i should be reassessed as if i am a new patient in the fact that my needs may have changed or new problems have clearly arisen if ive been referred from crisis team. 

So I have now exhausted every option I also found out by chance the builder/labourer my dad employs rn also has bipolar and has also had the exact same issue i had with the exact same lady psychiatrist after being transferred to her care when our old psych retired. Only he had a breakdown in their reception she did nothing made him leave and then he was hospitalised only when he saw crisis team I saw he wasnt willing to give them another chance so refused treatment there and went through the slightly longer process of being referred else where although to be honest the process isnt longer because meadow lodge dont follow guidelines and rather than immediately seeing me as early as possibly my parents had to phone up to remind them and bug them to even read over the crisis teams referal to them.

Even though a crisis team referral is equivalent to someone being rushed to A&E you are the priority patient over others not in A&E therefore i shouldnt have had to get my parents to chase them up for an appointment and then fight for a fair assessment. Which tbh i half got and half didnt.

This is v. frustrating but hey at least i now know of 3 other people who were under my old psychs care when he retired were put under the lady psychiatrists care and we have all had issues we have all been discharged around the same time after being transferred to her care. And me and the builder at least that i know of have ended up in crisis teams care for a period of time.

So basically we now have 3 known incidents of this psychiatrist discharging people who have ended up in crisis because of it shortly after discharge showing clearly we werent meant to be discharged nor ready to be and another lady who complained on the NHS site about her and the lodge as a whole since my old psych who ran it retired. SHe had similar complaints i did about treatment and as for the builder my dad works with and employs well she told him hes far too young to have bipolar and have these issues in his life and discharged him saying he has to take care of himself and take self responsibility.

So at this point if i go to PALS with facts about discharging patients before they were safe to be discharged and say well just look i know of me and one other person whose ended back up in severe crisis care shortly after her discharging us this is not a coincidence and there is a third who has also been discharged and complained oh and two years earlier there is another complaint about her also saying to a guy for an assessment with her that he needs to care for himself gave him adhd meds and discharged him on the initial meeting back to GP care.  And told him he had to basically buck up and get a job as its what normal people do or everyone has to do even thoguh he said he needed help and treatment so he could function to work. Again it seems to be a pattern that she tells people they have to care for themselves without giving us the toools to learn to self cope and self care. 

she is rude. not compassionate. cares more about stigmatising us and accusing us and having very odd beliefs for a psychiatrist given studies have always shown disorders like bipolar type 2 and rapid cycling itself is almost wholly found in those who develop bipolar disorder at young adolescence...so its a whole thing based around developing it young. And here she is telling the builder we know hes too young to have bipolar and problems. 

as if she knows his life she basically dismissed his diagnosis tbh...because of his age...even though hes in his 20s mid 20s and its not uncommon for bipolar to take hold in adolescence mine appeared when i was 17/18 so clearly someone in there 20s is not too young to have such a disorder she would know this as she would have studied more in depth than i did the disorder and the studies and science on it. 

I am SO mad. i wasted my time yesterday and caused my mental health to be put under immense strain because of how i was treated YET AGAIN by professionals whose duty is to care for me. Now i am back at square one and left having to go through getting a MHA to help me with the PALS complaint process.

[uberchain]

Mental Health Rambling

God I hope I don't regret posting this like how I feel embarrassed about posting similar long-winded dramatic personal stuff in the past (there's a tl;dr at the end if you hate reading)

Trigger warnings for mentions of suicide, medicinal drugs, and ableism.

Six years ago, people close to me didn't "buy into the mental illness thing" and thought I was being overdramatic. It was all in my head. I was being self-absorbed in my dramatics because I was raised in Western culture. Other people have it worse. I was "normal" and despite what I thought for months, I wasn't "crazy" like those people who were "mentally unstable". And because of that, my requests for a mental health assessment always lead back to: I didn't need a doctor. 

Until I threatened my life in front of them.

And that is not okay.

On that same day, the doctor they said I didn't need diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder. I was prescribed WellButrin while recommended therapy I was able to afford.

Six years ago, people close to me didn't want me taking medication for it because they heard from the media or their close friends on different antidepressants, that there was a risk of worse side effects like hallucinations or drug addiction. Had they done the research, they would have known that's not a common side effect of bupropion. Those people asked said close friends to talk me out of taking these drugs when I started, and told me sweet nothings like how I was still young and shouldn't rely on medication that might be lifelong if I get addicted or something bad happens because of it. The doctor finally told me after I told them about these fears, to start the prescription or I might never get better.

Six years till now, people close to me would constantly ask if I really needed them, if I would be on them forever like if they were "real medication". I've tried to stop WellButrin after the 300mg runs without medical assistance or proper weaning, whenever I felt like I didn't need it anymore. In reality, I didn't want to keep being judged for taking them, and didn't like the idea of lifelong dependency. That was incredibly irresponsible and I relapsed weeks to months after stopping. As of last week, I was re-prescribed another run of 150mg to start. And just as I was feeling better about being responsible this time, somebody told me, "Why? You have depression again? Really? I thought you got better."

I grew up in an environment, surrounded by people who didn't want to talk about it. They didn't believe in it not only because they thought it wasn't real. They didn't believe in it because they couldn't handle the thought of their friend, lover, or family member having a mental health disorder because they had associated it negatively with this stigma that it was a dangerous instability that leads to killers, criminals, and "crazy people". And for a while as I was growing up in that close-minded, conservative environment and area - I genuinely believed it too.

And that is not okay.

Because of this, I am actively training myself to not feel ashamed or look down upon something that's simply human nature, which I was told to consider weakness or flaw. That I am not necessarily tougher than others like me, because I do not know what they actually go/went through and should not belittle their experience in comparison to mine. I am training myself to notice when or how my depression hits me or affects my thinking, and that it's not me “being messed up or crazy beyond salvation". I am telling myself that if I need medication for my depression (or my ADHD), then that is what I need to survive and function just like anybody else on medication. I am training myself that even though I will have recurring thoughtcrimes of no longer existing, that doesn't have to mean I'm going to act on it and it doesn't have to be how I really feel:

Like when I'm uncomfortable in a moving vehicle. Where I look over something from tall heights. When I look at sharp or dull objects in my vicinity. When all my previous bottles of unfinished 300mg WellButrin from the past 6 years are stored away in a bag. And even though I can function fairly well and HATE the idea of getting hurt or dying, I'm afraid I'm going to slip, then try and kill myself. That I'll jump out of the vehicle. That I'll jump over the ledge. That I'll cut. That I'll overdose.

And I have to tell myself, that aside from consideration of the people around me having to deal with that kind of loss and gravity of someone they loved - suicide is not what I want, and will not fix what I have.

I can't believe to this day that I had to threaten myself in order to get help for myself. I felt like I had to do it to get that diagnosis, to start medication and therapy. I had to hold my own life hostage for the people close to me to take me seriously. I hate realizing that's genuinely how I thought I needed to go that far, for my mental health to be taken seriously, back then. And I hate that the way these people thought initially, contributed to that thinking. That it was the length I thought I needed to go through to get help for myself.

I hate it. I feel like I've invalidated other people who have survived suicide attempts, who have lost the battle against their own struggle, who are struggling in worse conditions or who have lost a loved one to suicide and don't know how to take it all in or feel like it was their fault. And I hate that I have the gall to still think in comparisons when I just said don't do comparisons. I hate that despite what I did to get help, I still tend to slip up and invalidate my own mental health, due to the nature of what I have as well as what people told me when I was growing up.

And that is not okay.

I have support now. I have better confidence now that what I feel, is not necessarily what is fact. I don't feel as alone or ignored as much these days. I've chosen to retake depression medication. I am actively trying to recognize patterns when my depression is at its worst. I understand when people need space for their own emotional capacity, versus when they just don't care and are trying to fix me for them. I'm figuring out therapy options. I have people - friends, family, lovers, strangers - who stood by me, who still stand by me, who get it; or if they don't, understand that sometimes I deal with shit that scientifically or environmentally makes my thoughts & emotions completely irrational, absolutely terrifying, or just plain miserable.

There's some discussion as to whether or not the term "mental illness" gives off the wrong idea and encourages ableism. I absolutely see my depression as mental illness. Even if I know how to cope with it better than when I was first diagnosed, I wish I knew how to make it go away so I don't have to continuously keep questioning my thoughts or emotions. I can't tell you if that's still due to how I was told to perceive mental health, or if that's me acknowledging how much damage it is capable of after years of living with it.

So I try to tell myself there are chemicals in my brain that are not balanced, and that the medication, every specific hour of every day that I have to remember to take it, can help. That it's not weak when I can find the energy to visit a therapist I'm able to afford, rather than expect change to be dropped in my lap and close people to always go out of their way for me. That I cannot help others in the same way I helped myself or want to fix them, because everybody's mental struggles are different, and to want to fix somebody means you haven't actually accepted your friend's struggles and you're not really listening to them. That at my worst, due to the self-reinforcing, manipulative and distorting nature of depression, that I can hurt others by enabling my depression and letting it envelop me in a dangerously comforting abusive mentality, if I don't actively make an effort to fight this poisonous disorder.

I have to keep telling myself I will not take my own life. There is lots I would still like to do, people I still want to hang out with. If I have to go, then that’s what it is. If I force myself to go, then that’s worse to me. I cannot continue to risk letting this sickness fool me into thinking my life is not worth it to the point where the solution directs me to nonexistence. I’m so sad when people I know or people others know lose their battles because they were overwhelmed by it all, and couldn't find any other way in that state of mind when they chose to leave early. It’s hard. It's so hard.

I am trying to be more responsible and understand mental health better, because the people I grew up with and around (several whom understand it now, are trying to understand it, and or whom I might have forgiven) didn't do that and did not want to understand it. They were afraid of acknowledging this horrible mental sickness could be part of someone they loved and cared for, because it would that the person they cared for had something wrong with them - like the murderers they talked about on the news, or the villain in violent thriller movies. Because their initial perception of it based on denial, and refusal to be educated or even discuss it in an open-minded way, led to them thinking like that. So, I was afraid of saying I was not okay.

And that is not okay.

I fight to not think like these people did, every day of my life. I have to fight this learned toxicity of thinking that I've been surrounded with. I do it for my friends and my family, for my lovers and for strangers - and for myself. I am responsible for my life. It's my life now, it's nobody else's. And thus, I am responsible to be more considerate of mental health. No, you are not responsible for anybody else's life. You don't have to take anything away from these rambling paragraphs I've written out and decided to post. But personally, you should be responsible enough to talk to people and/or reassure them, especially when they decide to say "I'm not okay" (and it's very hard to admit that), that sometimes it's okay to not feel okay.

I understand if you are not mentally or emotionally equipped to handle somebody's struggles, in a way a therapist or a psychiatrist might be better equipped for. Do know it is 99.9% why people don't WANT to talk about their mental health or disorders publicly or even people they trust - it's why I DON'T feel completely safe in posting this. It's in case those people can't handle it, in case they think they'll be perceived as emotional baggage, or in case they'll be perceived as "weak". But the least you can do is tell them it's not "weak".

Don't push away the people around you when they need to open up. Don't force them to talk about it if they're not ready yet. Listen to their words; listen to their silence. Don't necessarily give advice or interfere unless you think it's absolutely necessary. Don't tell them that they are "not normal" because they struggle with a disorder. Simply because it's not healthy (it's often unhealthy or debilitating) and not stable (it's often chemically unstable) does not mean it's not "normal". Simply because you listen to them does not necessarily mean you're enabling them. Simply because you ask them if they are okay now does not mean you are necessarily responsible for their future. Simply because they’ve got fucked up shit going on does not mean they are fucked up as a person. Simply because they are depressed now does NOT MEAN they will die from it one day. 

No, once again; you don't have to take away anything from what I've written for your own life. You might disagree with what I'm trying to get across or not care. And no, you're not responsible for somebody else's life. But you listening or willing to talk to them a little bit about it, even if you admit you don't completely understand it - might mean the difference for that somebody's life. And that if anything should be your responsibility: to at least be considerate when people decide to say, whether in actions or through words, that they are not okay.

And that's okay.

tl;dr: I have depression. It's shit. Other people have shit too. It's also shit. Shit's shit, that's what it is. But sometimes it's okay to not feel okay. Nobody told me that, and now I'm training myself to accept that. This way, I can be considerate of not just my own mental health, but other people's mental health.

And when talking about mental health, treat it seriously rather than disregard it. It will help people who need to hear that to treat mental health seriously - and hopefully, not disregard their own life.

[prorevenge]

Karma is Oh So Sweet

Note: Not really a revenge story on my part, but I believe this is a fine example of cosmic revenge for a larger hole. Long story, TL:DR at the end.

About seven years ago, I was in my sophomore year of high school. Let me just mention this, I was not your typical student:

I came from one of the poorest family in this town of three thousand. My dad was physically disabled for years before this and had been unemployed since I was in third grade. This left my mom the only working member of my family until my dad was put on disability. My dad, however, did not get put on disability UNTIL my sophomore year of high school, so around eight years, my mom was the only one working. In fact, there were times when I didn’t even get new clothes to wear for a new year as we couldn’t afford it.

I am legally mentally disabled. I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome in eighth grade and, legally, should have been in some special classes. This led the school to alter my schedule without my permission and resulted in my mom’s wrath to the school.

I am clinically depressed and went through a time when I did not take my medication as it made me aggressive. I have since switch medications and have become a lot calmer as a result.

Now, bullying wasn’t something I wasn’t used to. Ever since fifth grade, when I reached puberty, I had gained weight quickly. People immediately would bully me and tease me. They would even laugh at me for buying books for my younger brother to read. My brother is six to seven years younger than me, depending on the month. My brother was not in school yet and wouldn’t be in school until I was in the seventh grade. This was also a time where we did not have cable or satellite television regularly, so I would often bring books home so my brother could read them as well.

The bullying continued well into high school and this is where Principal Cinch came in. Note, that is not her real name, but the name of the antagonistic principal of Equestria Girls: Friendship Games. However, with how she acted, I would not be surprised if Cinch was based around her. 

Cinch had been my paternal oldest cousins’ cheerleading coach and, boy, both of them hated her. My maternal cousin also hated her, especially as she gave my cousin no sympathy when my aunt died when I was in seventh grade. My cousin and I had been extremely close and when her mom died, both of us were greatly affected. She also wanted to drop out after a time as she was sick of being bullied. 

When I entered my freshmen year of high school, Cinch decided to stop targeting her and start targeting me. First off, she would ignore me being bullied and would call me a bully. There had been no proof of that and I have a strong guilt complex. If I had hurt someone, I wouldn’t stop until I made it up to them, as I legitimately felt awful. This made me feel like a piece of shit for a long time and still affects me today.

She also did not care if I attempted suicide in class. This was a legitimate situation, where I was trying to strangle myself in my jacket in Geography. The students were cheering and the teacher didn’t care. In fact, when another teacher walked in, she decided to pull me out of the classroom and take me to the principal, as she was disgusted at the acts she saw from my classmates.

Guess what she did?

She didn’t do anything.

As I entered my sophomore year, things got worse. My dad ended up needing to go into surgery in late January/early February and my birthday money went to his surgery. Note: I was actually born in March, but my family had been saving up to throw me a sweet sixteen birthday party. They were proud that i had survived this long, especially with all of the bullying. Because of this, plus my own depression, I spent several days at home to help my dad around and even just take a breather.

Cinch did not like this and resorted to THREATENING me daily. At my school, we had something called AEP. Think of it as ISS, except for up to three months at a time. I had been sent once for kicking a teacher in the shin in seventh grade, but that was when I was on my more aggressive anti-depressants. I’m not going to lie that I deserved it back then, but Cinch threatened me with this JUST FOR CRYING. 

Not to mention that the man who ran AEP gave me nightmares to the point I was afraid he would legitimately kill or, sorry for the trigger, rape me. He even used to coach my little brother’s teeball team and made my brother play without his inhaler. My brother has acute asthma and needs his inhaler with him if he does any academic sport. Pretty funny, I have to admit, when the giant six foot football player actually has to go to the bench and pull out a blue inhaler so he can continue playing. My dad even thinks I developed post-traumatic stress disorder for a time because of him.

When my dad was in the hospital recovering from his surgery, I finally confessed to my mother and grandmother about everything that was going on at the school. There is no fury like an angry grandmother and, despite my grandmother being extremely tiny and in bad health due to being a smoker, she was prepared to go to war. My mom, however, let me stay home for more days, chalking it up to rough times during my dad’s recovery. 

The last straw, however, came from the vice principal as well. On the day that my dad was taking me out to transfer me to a new school (he had heard from my mom about everything I had endured and he decided enough was enough), he mentioned that his own children were disabled, but they went to school daily. From the tone I heard from my old locker as I cleaned it out, my dad was not happy and said the following: ‘Well, mental disabilities are different from physical disabilities. You have no idea what it’s like to raise a child with autism.’

Cinch decided to chime in that she knew, as she had a step-son with ADHD. Excuse me?

Note: I am not discrediting ADHD as a mental disability, nor am I insulting anyone who has ADHD. My first crush had ADHD and we’re still really good friends. However, if she knew how it felt for her step-son, why didn’t she consider what was going through MY mind? I think this was just an excuse to gain some sympathy.

Needless to say, I flipped the school off as we drove to my new school twenty miles away.

Now, time for the cosmic karmatic revenge.

I had decided to ignore what happened in the school and move on with my life. I made a great number of friends at my new school and we still talk to each other on facebook for the most part.

I graduated high school, got two of the highest grades on my TAKS (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills) my school had seen and got a free pass to my first college. A government agency was paying for my education and books, so I got to explore what I wanted to do in life.

However, two years ago, my dad tagged me on a news article on facebook.

And I had the widest grin on my face.

'PRINCIPAL OF ********* HIGH SCHOOL FOUND SENDING THREATS TO HERSELF ON LINKEDIN’

As I read the article, my smile grew wider and wider. She had just ruined her reputation as a teacher and was getting her license revoked. She decided to quit, before they could fire her, to save grace.

The best part, people who had dealt with abuse from her were leaving comments and telling their stories. I decided not to, as I was just on cloud nine right now and even I have standards.

I actually saw her a couple of weeks ago while grocery shopping. She decided to act all friendly to me, but i just gave her a cold hard glare. 

As I walked off, I said the meanest thing I’ve ever said to an adult and this is the one thing I never regretted saying.

“I guess you got so bored when you couldn’t threaten me anymore that you threatened yourself? Wow, how pathetic.”

My mom gave me a fist-bump as we walked away.

Note: She’s since found work as a guidance counselor. However, she has negative reviews from several people from my old school. She also claims she can help with the power of god and she understands how hard it is for parents to raise children with disabilities. 

Before the site deleted it, my maternal cousin had posted this: 'You don’t know how hard it is on the parents when you threaten children with disabilities. No one hire this woman. She threatened my autistic cousin in a near daily basis.’

TL;DR: Principal who threatened me on a near daily basis is found giving threats to herself. ‘Quit’ and lost about twenty years of references because of this.

[saybees]

Thinking again about my recent psychologist appointments and I'm still mad.

I am currently sitting on the couch doing nothing despite that I'm hungry, but I don't want last night's leftovers and I don't want to make myself anything, but there's nothing else to have so instead of just making something I'm just sitting here. And that's exactly how I ended up losing weight when I was in university the first time. I just didn't wanna make anything so I just wouldn't eat and I'd be hungry and just ignore it and do nothing.

I was trying to do an assignment earlier and getting really frustrated because I don't feel like I grasp the concepts very well at all and I'm having a hard time with the calculations for economics. I have a very low tolerance for frustration and I ended up having a breakdown because I don't feel confident that I'm going to pass this course and it's EXPENSIVE.

I was registering for my next term and had to pick a math class, but the one I wanted to take is closed so I have to pick something else, but they're all calculus and algebra and high school was 8 years ago and also I never took those kinds of math in high school, I took the easy one because I know I'm not good at that other stuff. I took a quiz on the school website to see which math classes I could successfully do and I failed so badly that I'm probably going to have to take a remedial math class that I get no credits for but will still have to pay $900 to take. I'm really convinced that this was a bad and stupid choice, but I can't just give up because I always give up and I need a degree so I don't have to be a cashier anymore.

Her entire assessment ended up being based off of the fact that I did fine in grade school and it didn't impair me then, so she decided it must not be impairing me now so I must not have ADHD despite the fact that I'm struggling really badly right now.

I don't know what to do. I don't have the time to start seeing a new counsellor. I have to deal with school. I am drowning and I hate this.

[techcrunchappcom]

New Post has been published on https://techcrunchapp.com/more-parents-seek-adhd-diagnosis-and-drugs-for-kids-to-manage-remote-learning/

More parents seek ADHD diagnosis and drugs for kids to manage remote learning

Susan McLaughlin’s 12-year-old daughter, Isabela, was a straight-A student before the pandemic. Isabela, who lives in a suburb of Columbus, Ohio, excelled at science and math and was already getting high school credit for algebra.

But when her school shut down in March and classes shifted to Zoom, Isabela’s grades took a nosedive. She signed on for her virtual class from a desk piled high with books, papers and stuffed animals and then spent hours trying to clean her room instead of focusing on schoolwork. She found herself “paralyzed” by assignments, McLaughlin said, but she wouldn’t tell the teacher over email that she was struggling, as she would have done in person.

“It was meltdown after meltdown after meltdown,” said McLaughlin, 53, a mother of three from Delaware, Ohio, who works in a high school with chronically truant children.

McLaughlin recalls one time in April when Isabela, who was already diagnosed with severe anxiety, was given a language arts assignment and “fell to pieces.”

“She was crying and screaming and hyperventilating and started to get some tics, moving her head and flapping her arms. She had never had them before. That’s when we started to consider that it might be ADHD.”

McLaughlin spent months trying to bring more structure to Isabela’s day by writing lists, schedules, timelines and checkboxes. But as someone who was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder herself a decade ago, McLaughlin realized that she was seeing the same behaviors in Isabela. She thought, “I’ve got to nip this in the bud.”

Isabela is being evaluated by a psychiatrist, a process that takes several hours and requires her teachers to fill out questionnaires about her behavior. McLaughlin hopes that with an ADHD diagnosis, Isabela will be able to get a prescription for a stimulant medication — such as Ritalin, Adderall or Vyvanse — to alleviate her symptoms.

“I know it’s super controversial sometimes. But I’ve been medicated for a long time, and I can’t function without taking it,” McLaughlin said. “If I don’t take my medication, I see an immediate difference in my ability to manage complex tasks, clean the house, get up and cook dinner. So I’m hoping it will have the same effect on her.”

Susan McLaughlin and Isabela Burgeson do schoolwork.Maddie McGarvey

Growing problems

McLaughlin isn’t alone in seeking an ADHD assessment for her child during the pandemic. Two dozen children, pediatricians, psychiatrists, psychologists and researchers all described a crisis among children suffering from inattention and tanking school performance.

Data from specialists involved with diagnosing and treating ADHD show just how much parents are struggling to get help: They are flooding an ADHD support line with questions, and ADHD diagnoses and prescriptions for related medications have soared.

“Covid has been a tipping point that has pushed some families to get help,” said Dr. Melvin Oatis of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, who said the stress of the pandemic, the shift to remote learning and social isolation have created “anxiety-provoking” conditions that affect students’ attention.

Experts warn that children who appear to have symptoms of ADHD should have thorough evaluations to rule out other conditions or stresses related to the pandemic before they seek medication.

“Our concern is that pediatricians and families be very careful to not simply list the symptoms of ADHD, but to look at the child’s history and use differential diagnosis to make sure we have the best possible explanation for the symptoms,” said Dr. Arthur Lavin, a Cleveland-based pediatrician who has served on several national committees of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Related

In the meantime, parents are seeking any help they can find. The number of parents calling a help line set up by CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), a nonprofit that supports people with ADHD, rose by 62 percent since the pandemic started, the organization said. Traffic to its website last year grew by 77 percent compared to 2019.

“We’re getting a lot of calls from caregivers who are working at home alongside their children and starting to see more issues with their behavior than they did before,” said April Gower-Getz, CHADD’s chief operating officer.

They’re certainly trying to get their children evaluated more frequently. The Child Mind Institute, a New York-based nonprofit that helps children with mental health disorders and their families, recorded a 20 percent increase in the number of appointments to discuss medication last year compared to 2019. The “lion’s share” of the appointments were to discuss medication for ADHD, said Dr. Harold Koplewicz, the institute’s founder.

And more parents are getting their children diagnosed and treated with medication for ADHD.

Athenahealth, a technology company that creates practice management software for health care providers, published research in May, drawing on data from its customers, that showed an increase in patients ages 13 to 17 who received new diagnoses of ADHD. From the week of March 9 to the week of March 30, the proportion of visits by teenagers that involved first-time ADHD diagnoses rose by 67 percent. There was a similar spike among teenagers — particularly boys — who received prescriptions for ADHD medicines for the first time.

The cases also seem to have picked up in recent months, said psychologist Keith Sutton, director of the Bay Area Center for ADD/ADHD. He said he had a “sharp increase” in inquiries during the fall.

“Before the summer, everyone was just trying to get through those months,” Sutton said. “Then, in October, when grades were coming back, parents were thinking we’re in it for the long run, something is going on here and we need help.”

Isabela Burgeson thrives with in-person schooling but has been struggling during virtual learning.Maddie McGarvey / for NBC News

Why now?

Experts attribute the increase in inquiries to a variety of factors, including the loss of structure and accommodations in the classroom setting.

Parents are also seeing their children’s troubles during school hours firsthand. Dr. Devang Patel, a family medicine physician in Illinois who specializes in ADHD, is one of several clinicians who said he is fielding more requests from parents for medication for their children.

“When the problem was in front of the teachers, it wasn’t really the parents’ concern,” Patel said. “But now they are at home trying to make their kid sit still for just half an hour and seeing how difficult that is.”

Children also miss the school environment, which helped ameliorate such issues. Dr. Jenny Radesky, a Michigan-based developmental behavioral pediatrician, said she has started prescribing stimulants for children as young as 5 and 6 this year. Their ADHD symptoms were manageable in supportive classrooms with flexible teachers, sensory tools and clear routines. But when those structures went away in March, their symptoms flared up.

“I’m watching kids who used to love school become unenthused and unmotivated,” said Radesky, who said she was worried about the long-term impact of virtual learning. “They need the social environment at school to learn how to regulate themselves. Without that, they are really struggling.”

Related

Parenting challenges

Sasha Harris-Cronin’s 8-year-old son, Z (he chose his own name when he was 6), who is in the third grade, was diagnosed with ADHD in 2019 but didn’t start medication until last August.

Before the pandemic, Z’s school provided accommodations, like seating him directly in front of the teacher, where he wouldn’t be distracted, and making sure he ran around outside during recess.

Harris-Cronin said the shift to Zoom for Z was “awful.”

“It was so difficult. There were so many tears,” she said. Z missed the structure of school and couldn’t focus on Zoom classes. He would take an hour to write four words of a writing assignment. Days would go by when he got “absolutely nothing” done.

When she and Z realized that they were “looking down the barrel of another year like this,” they visited a psychiatrist, who prescribed Ritalin and Metadate.

“It was mind-blowing,” Harris-Cronin said. “He wrote a poem the first day. It’s not a miracle cure. But boy, is it an effective tool.”

Finding relief

Jahkim Hendrix, 18, of Atherton, California, suspected that he had ADHD for many years. But he didn’t get formally evaluated until late last year, during his senior year of high school. He had been falling behind academically the previous year, and when the schools closed in March, it didn’t take long for him to “give up completely.”

“The teacher would be speaking and I’d go blank,” he said, adding that students objected to putting their cameras on for their teachers, which made them — and him — even less accountable. “I would mute my teacher and go on TikTok and stay there for hours. That’s what sustained my attention.”

He barely passed his junior year of high school, and his grades slid from Ds to Fs as he started his senior year last fall. He and his mom, who was also diagnosed with ADHD as a child, decided it was time to seek help. It took two months to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, who evaluated him for over five hours in mid-December.

In late January, he was diagnosed with ADHD.

“I cried with relief,” he said. “I have always been told I have high potential but low performance, and I didn’t know why. Now I have a name to the thing that I’m facing, as well as tools and resources to help me.”

Worried doctors

Many experts said parents and clinicians need to be extra cautious about diagnosing ADHD during a pandemic because a child might show more signs that meet the criteria for the disorder. A diagnosis simply needs six or more symptoms listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the book of mental disorders recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. They include making careless mistakes, struggling to stay focused on tasks, having trouble organizing activities, not following through on instructions, avoiding schoolwork, losing items and being easily distracted.

“The pandemic has substantially disrupted the routines of every family, and that is going to make a good number of children feel like they can’t pay attention so well,” said Lavin, the Cleveland pediatrician. “ADHD might be one of the explanations, but only one. But the stress of a pandemic may also cause inattention.”

Medical experts say someone with ADHD was very likely to show signs before the pandemic began. Both the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recommend lengthy evaluations that take in children’s full developmental histories, surveys parents and teachers and compares symptoms to peers their own ages and genders.

A 15-minute office visit with a pediatrician isn’t long enough to rule out other causes of inattention, such as anxiety, depression and problems at home, said Sutton of the Bay Area Center for ADD/ADHD.

Susan McLaughlin and her daughter, Isabela Burgeson.Maddie McGarvey / for NBC News

Lengthy dependence

As many schools remain closed, some experts said they were concerned about the long-term impact of remote learning for young people with ADHD, particularly teenagers.

Maggie Sibley, a psychologist and researcher at the University of Washington and Seattle Children’s Hospital, has written a research paper, accepted by the Journal of Psychiatric Research, showing that symptoms are worsening and stress levels are skyrocketing among adolescents and young adults with ADHD during the pandemic. That has prompted numerous problems, including social isolation and disengagement from class.

“A person with ADHD typically has fewer friends and less social activities in their calendar,” she said. “A lot are getting their only social interactions at school.”

Students with ADHD were at particular risk of depression and dropping out of school, the study concluded.

“If you are in a situation where you are experiencing chronic boredom, getting poor grades in school, socially isolated and stuck in a house, it’s a recipe for depression,” Sibley said. While suicide isn’t an inevitable result, “we have to be vigilant down the road, especially since we know from research that when people with ADHD get depressed, they are more likely to make suicidal gestures because of their impulsivity.”

Susan McLaughlin will find out whether Isabela has ADHD at a follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday. While they wait, Isabela continues to battle with her assignments, particularly on Thursdays and Fridays, when class is entirely self-directed.

“I just want her to be everything she can be, a happy, well-adjusted 12-year-old — or as well-adjusted as anyone can be at this point.”

[call-me-eds]

Not Today

All Eddie wants is to be an emotional backbone for Richie, who is used to running and hiding from his emotions. He’s trying to learn and be emotionally available to Eddie, but it’s hard to change all at once.

Masterlist

        Right after Richie gets up from the floor after his dad walks away is a relief. He can breathe again, for the most part. He can assess his injuries before deducing how fast he can run to the door. He can grab a quarter that would normally go unseen and make it to the payphone across the street to let one of his friends know that he’s on his way.

        “You cannot tell Eddie, I’m serious Stan. I’m going to say I fell off my bike or something, okay? That’s what happened,” Richie hissed and pulled away from his best friend, who was pouring way too much hydrogen peroxide on the washcloth that he was using to wipe away Richie’s blood.

        “I’m not going to lie to him if he asks,” Stan sighed, swatting Richie’s hand away that was trying to fight the disinfectant.

        “Yes, you are. You’re my best friend, Stan the man,” Richie smiled but winced a little, feeling his split lit gently.

        “Stop moving,” Stan commanded, rubbing at the blood that seemed intent on staining Richie’s forehead.     

        Henry Bowers walked by and pushed Richie into his locker while he was opening it the next day, causing his face to slam into the door. Usually Richie would have at least made a stupid comment back or stuck his leg out on a day where his ADHD was particularly acting up, but today he didn’t have the energy to even think about it.

        “Hey, here,” Stan knocked into Richie’s side, making him wince. He gave him a bottle of Advil and some extra band aids. “I went out at lunch to grab them.” By the grace of God Richie made it through the entire morning without running into Eddie. He had to duck into the bathroom a handful of times and was a few more minutes late than usual, but he did it. Beverly knew what had happened the moment she looked at Richie across the table at lunch, but she didn’t say anything, knowing her best friend well enough that if she pushed him he would likely not tell her at all.

        “Your mom’s gonna think you’re an addict, Stanley, we don’t want that. Put these back,” he tried to hand the pills back but Stan gave him a stern look. “Thanks,” Richie seceded.

        “Want me to carry your bag or something?” Stan sighed.

        “No, I��ll just leave it,” he was never one to accept help from his friends when it came to things like this. He was more than happy to let Ben basically do his entire history paper or let Mike give him a few bucks for gas, but when he needed help he pretended like he didn’t. It took most of Richie’s strength to heave his backpack into his locker, just carrying his notebook and knowing that Bill would have an extra pencil for him in Biology.

        “I know you don’t have class down this hallway,” Richie rolled his eyes as Stan followed him.

        “You don’t look so good, this time. Maybe we could skip or something and go to the nurse,” Stan suggested.

        “Listen, I know you’re in love with me, Stan, but I have to learn. Education is so important for the youth of America,” he smiled, considering reaching his arm up to ruffle Stan’s curls, but deciding he might not be able to and saved himself the embarrassment.

        “I’ll be here when you get out,” Stan said.

        “God, stalker,” Richie teased before hobbling into class. He sat next to Bill, who did a double take from checking his homework before deciding on Richie’s face.

        “What the hell-”

        “I let Bev do my make-up,” Richie said. “Class is starting, Billy, pay attention.” Richie looked forward at the teacher for the first time since he had begun schooling. There was some commotion in the hallway that drew Richie’s easily diverted attention away.

        Eddie Kaspbrak, who had never been late a day in his life was trying to pick up his papers while undeniably staring at his boyfriend who looked more like shredded up meat than the boy he had known since he was eight years old. He looked like he had half a mind to storm into the classroom and drag his boyfriend out of his seat and down to the hospital, but he wouldn’t dare disrupt a teacher.

        Richie sunk low in his seat and didn’t look into the hallway, just waiting to hear the squeaking of Eddie’s sneakers rush away to class. Richie could feel Eddie’s eyes boring into the side of his head. The last thing that Richie wanted was to have his boyfriend know his dad had three too many again and Richie’s face ran right into his hand.

        “H-he’s gonna kill you,” Bill whispered He was always right, and never missed an opportunity to rub it in Richie’s face and couldn’t tell that now was one of the times that he should bite his tongue.

        “Fuck off,” Richie mumbled. Usually biology dragged on, but today it flew by because the universe was playing a sick trick on Richie. He and Bill were walking down the hallway when he saw Eddie emerge from his classroom with a look of vengeance somehow mixed with concern on his face.

        “What happened?” he demanded, instantly moving Richie’s hair off of his forehead and checking for any other injuries that he didn’t see on first glance.

        “Nothing, Eds, I’m-”

        “Don’t call me that. Not now. Who did this?” he asked, looking around as if another attack was about to ensue. Eddie was always in defense mode. He didn’t have an off-switch and was always ready to jump at the defense of his friends no matter what the situation, going even further for the tall, loud-mouthed boy he spent almost every waking moment with.

        “It was just Bowers,” Richie shrugged. And just like that, the universe came up with another punchline.

        “Hey, Tozier, who do I have to thank for taking care of your beating for me?” Bowers spared his physical energy and settled for verbal assault today.

        “Do you want to try that again?” Eddie crossed his arms and Bill looked around, hoping to catch a glimpse of one of the other losers as to relieve some of the awkwardness that was absorbing him.

        “You’re going to be late for your math make-up test,” Richie said, knowing that a joke would make his boyfriend even angrier than he already was.

        “I don’t give a shit, who did this?” Eddie almost, almost lost his cool, throwing his arms out and accidentally hitting Richie in the ribs. Richie gasped and Eddie lifted his shirt, almost losing consciousness at the sight of green, purple, and blue bruises.

        “We’re in school, Eds, I have to stay clothed,” Richie tugged down his shirt and the last bell pierced his ears.

        “Guys-”

        “Go,” the boys united for a moment, never unlocking eyes, to tell Bill to go home. They stood in the center of the hallway until it was almost empty.

        “Eds-”

        “Don’t,” he said. “Why won’t you tell me what happened? Was it something illegal? I won’t say a word, Richie, you know that,” he said.

        “I know, I know,” Richie nodded, trying not to smile at how cute Eddie looked, practically shaking with rage. “Let’s not do this in school, okay? We can handle this later,” he bargained.

        “Go to my house. I’m going to breeze through this test and-”

        “You have to focus on this if you want to pass,” Richie reminded him. Even when he was wheezing, practically doubled over in pain, his priority was still on Eddie.

        The Losers had abandoned their bikes for the most part, so Eddie was trying not to abandon his shoes altogether to get home faster, even though it took him half of the time that it usually did.

        When he opened his bedroom door his boyfriend was sitting at his desk chair, not spinning around in it like he usually did, but remaining uncharacteristically still.

        “Didn’t want to bleed on your bed,” he smiled.

        Eddie took a deep breath and dropped his backpack. He walked closer, inspecting at Richie’s injuries that had gotten significantly disgusting throughout the day. The window that Richie had left open when he arrived let in a gust of wind, slamming Eddie’s bedroom door shut. Richie jumped a little and tried to play it off, but wasn’t successful.

        “Richie,” Eddie said softly. “Are you going to tell me what happened?”

        “I’m telling you, it was not a big deal,” he shrugged.

        “I hate that. I hate how you say that, it is a big deal, Richie! You shouldn’t be getting hurt like this, that’s not fair. You could barely walk this morning,” he reminded him.

        “I know, Eds, but you have to understand that this isn’t out of the norm. You’ve seen me like this, you know,” he pleaded. “I fe-”

        “If you tell me that you fell off your bike I am going to-to, I don’t know what I’m going to do but it won’t be pleasant,” he snapped. Richie tried not to smile at Eddie’s shaking figure, knowing it would spark another fight about Richie didn’t care about himself.

        “It’s nothing, I’ll be good as new tomorrow,” Richie said.

        “Rich,” Eddie pleaded. “I love you, and I will never be angry with you for trying to protect yourself or someone else, but I hate you right now. You’re safe and you’re with me. Please tell me,” he begged. Richie looked into his eyes and felt naked, but in the vulnerable and not fun sort of way. A thousand lies ran through Richie’s mind that he could tell Eddie. He didn’t want to hurt him like he knew the truth would, but the gleam that was dulling in Eddie’s eyes was cutting to his soul. Before he could help it, the truth spilled out, which was worse for Richie if it meant he hurt Eddie.

        “I just, uh, ran into a brick wall named Dad,” Richie mumbled. Eddie immediately brushed the hair out of his best boy’s face. His deep brown eyes inspected the face that he loved and tried not to get so upset that Richie ended up having to calm him down.

        “Well, I have some antiseptic,” he mumbled instead, turning to go into the bathroom.

        “Eds, it’s fine,” Richie shook his head, reaching out and grabbing Eddie’s hand to hold him back. “Stan took care of me.”

        “It’s not fine. You’re not fine! And you let Stan clean you up? He’s a clean freak but that’s an insult, Richie, you probably already have an infection,” he rushed out.

        “I don’t have an infection,” he laughed, holding his side a little bit. At this point he assumes that the only reason he could get up and drag himself to school this morning was because of some weird adrenaline rush.

        “Well, we have to go to the hospital. I don’t know why we’ve been standing here for so long,” Eddie sounded disappointed in himself.

        “I can’t go to the hospital,” Richie shook his head.

        “What? Of course you can,” Eddie rolled his eyes and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand.

        “With what insurance, my Love? I have bandaids everywhere and Stan put this cream on my ribs. I’m all good,” he promised. Eddie felt like he was about to explode. It was fine if Richie didn’t listen to him when it came to stupid stuff like movies or dinner or fighting Eddie on doing their homework but this was important. Richie was practically dying he was going to bleed out if Eddie didn’t get him to the doctor or the hospital right now.

        “I’m tough, I’m going to be more than alright, Eds,” Richie said. “Next time I think about opening my mouth, I’ll remember this and I’ll shut it,” he shrugged.

        “Hey, this isn’t your fault,” Eddie said, moving Richie’s floppy hair off of his forehead and willing his own tears to stay in their ducts. “This is not your fault,” he repeated. Richie’s heart was pounding in his chest while looking at Eddie.

        “I-”

        “Don’t say anything,” Eddie said. “Just, let me do this,” he rushed into the bathroom and grabbed a warm washcloth, barely noticing the drops that hit the linoleum floor and would remain there until he got a chance to wipe it up later.

        “You don’t have to,” Richie said.

        “Shut up, Richie,” Eddie sighed, wiping the fresh cut on his cheek clean of blood. He washed and cleaned his boyfriend in silence, trying not to say the wrong thing. “One more,” he said softly, putting some Neosporin on the cut on Richie’s lip.

        “Thank you,” Richie said, swallowing the lump that had risen in his throat.

        “I love you,” Eddie said. “I’m never going to let you bleed or be sad or do anything alone. It’s me and you against Bowers and his crew, against your parents, against the world,” he whispered. Richie leaned forward and kissed him softly and briefly, knowing that Eddie was probably freaking out about the blood and open wounds. He nodded and held tightly onto Eddie’s shirt, not wanting to let go.

        “You’d make a really great doctor,” Richie mumbled. Eddie pulled away and continued cleaning Richie’s wounds.

        “Do you want to talk about it?” Eddie asked. Richie shook his head and it made Eddie’s heart hurt a little bit. He wasn’t worried that Richie was going to overwhelm himself or get in his own head, he knew that Richie could take care of himself. It more hurt him that Richie didn’t feel like he could talk to him. Eddie was always ready to speak about something that was bothering him, but Richie was always pushing his feelings away and masking them with jokes.

        “I just want you to know that if you ever wanted to talk to me,” Eddie trailed off and Richie nodded.

        “I know,” he said. “Just maybe not today.”

           “No, not today,” Eddie shook his head, happy that he could at least physically help his boyfriend in the moment, and that was enough to push the emotional help back for now.