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bitchliteraria1906 · 4 months ago

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Asgard royal family headcanons! (Specifically about Loki and how he relates to each family member).

• I really like the headcanon that Frigga was pregnant before Odin took Loki, and she lost the baby. Mostly because it makes sense logically (that would make Loki easy to explain! He's not some random baby that spawned out of nowhere, they can just say he's the child she was pregnant with!). But also, it adds another layer to their relationship: he's an adopted rainbow baby.

• Because of this, she remembers baby Loki very fondly, romanticizing the memories a bit. I'd even dare to say she remembers Loki as an easier baby than Thor, even though, objectively speaking, that's not true at all. Loki cried more, screamed more, needed special care. Which was to be expected: he was way too young to be separeted from his mom, and the bright lights and warmer weather of Asgard (in comparisson to Jotunheim, that is) were bad for him. Odin even feared that it would be too much to Frigga, that she would beg him to take Loki back or something, but his fragile state just made Frigga want to take care of him more, and she rarely, if ever, complained.

• Odin's feelings were very different, of course. He remembers Thor as the easy baby, because Thor was predictable. Familiar. He didn’t need special lights for sensitive eyes or cold cloths pressed into his forehead to be able to sleep in hot nights. He did all the things, both cute and annoying, that an Asgardian baby is supposed to do, expected to do. Nothing more and nothing less. And of course, he wasn't a secret and a stolen child.

• The golden child vs black sheep dynamic was set from the start, is what I'm saying.

• Odin's treatment of Loki has so much layers that it probably deserves it's own post, so I won’t talk much about it here.

•Constanly comparing him to Thor. Sometimes it was subtle, but sometimes it was literally just saying "Why can't you be more like your brother?"

• I'm not sure what Asgard's stance on physical punishment would be. Like, I can definitely see some people thinking it makes kids stronger or whatever, but Idk.

• Regardless of what the common Asgardian stance on hitting your kids is, I don’t think is something Odin and Frigga would automatically jump to with young Thor and Loki. Frigga doesn't want to hurt them, and Odin prefers other forms of discipline.

• He's definitely not above hitting, though. It may not be his go-to method to actually teach them things, but a smack for talking back from time to time? It has happened, especially with Loki.

• Every punishment happened more with Loki, actually. Odin knew he specifically hated time out, because of how it forced him to think about what he did wrong while completely alone in his room. Sometimes he'd come out ashamed of himself, sometimes he'd just be angry. Either way, he wouldn't willingly talk to Odin for the rest of the day, either completely isolating himself or clinging more to Frigga. Most of the time, Odin wouldn't even notice, and for Loki, that was the most painful part.

•Frigga genuinely loved Loki, but she also had a hand in perpetuating the racism against frost giants (either by action or by compliance) and let a lot of Odin's treatment of him slide. She also had a "defending the person who isn't in the room" approach to conflict, so in the rare occasions that Loki vented to her about Odin, though she was a good listener, she didn't really validate his feelings that much? It was always "I know your father can be difficult, but he just wants what's best for you!" or "I guess he could've been nicer about it, but is he wrong, honey? You already know he doesn't like it when you do that."

•When it came to defending Loki (or speaking up about how Odin was raising both him and Thor in general), she mostly worked in the shadows. She’d argue with Odin about it when they were alone, but never in front of others, and Loki took her silence as agreement, basically thinking "Well, if Mother doesn't speak up when Father is so harsh to me, maybe it's because she agrees. And if she, who is the kindest person I know, agrees, maybe I actually do deserve it."

•Despite all these issues, she was still the person Loki felt the safest around, and a very self indulgent hc I have for them is that they had a special place they would go to when Loki was exceptionally upset. Maybe it was a special room in the palace, or a library, or a garden, or even a little house in some woods nearby. Regardless, they'd stay there for some hours until Loki was feeling better and ready to face the world again.

•At some point Loki decided he was too old to keep needing her this way and that he needed to change that if he wanted to be taken seriously, so he stopped going to said comfort place with her and overall leaning on her too much. She was pretty heartbroken, not only because of that "Damn it, my kid is growing up and changing" feeling that leaves a lot of parents distraught, but also because, knowing Loki too well, she knew that this sudden change came from a place of insecurity and wanting to be taken more seriously by Odin, Thor and his friends, mentors, and pretty much everyone.

•Thor and Loki's relationship as kids was innocent and simple and pretty much what you'd expect from 2 kids who are royals and raised in a culture that values warriors and strenght: lots of competion and sibling rivarly, play fighting, but also a lot of teamwork.

•Thor took his big brother title very seriously as a kid. Yes, he teased Loki a lot, but he was also protective and sweet. Whenever they went on little adventures together, like exploring some place they weren't supposed to go, he'd put Loki's safety before his own.

•This might have been half fueled by Frigga saying "Take care of your brother" whenever they went out to play, or by Odin constanly saying that Thor was the strongest one between him and Loki (see 6th headcanon). Probably both.

•The real problems started in their teenage years, when the golden child vs black sheep dynamic became more obvious. Thor was the perfect stereotype of an Asgardian warrior and king, and was surrounded by friends (and potential romantic partners) who also reached some amazing standards. Meanwhile, Loki was a quieter, more fragile looking and weirder person, with an interest in magic, a different way of fighting, an aversion to most social gatherings and no friends. Most of Thor's friends just tolerated him. Some took interest in him the same way someone would take interest in an exotic animal: they'd listen to him for a while, just enough to see if he really was as weird as he looked, and then leave as soon as they got their answers and their fun.

•This, along with Odin's favoritism becoming even more obvious, really soured Thor and Loki's relationship, leading to some arguments in which pretty cruel words were said by both of them (I might write this).

I could go on but I'm tired lmao. Maybe another day.

Some inspiration was taken from @taw-k and @unityrain24 btw!

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blackbird-brewster · 1 year ago

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EMILY! (Oct. 12, 1970)

To celebrate here's a head-canon about Emily and birthdays [Or Read it on AO3]:

Rated: Teen WC: 2230 Tags: Birthdays, developing relationship, early season Jemily, fluff

Emily never really celebrated birthdays before she came to the BAU, and specifically, before JJ decided it was her mission in life to make sure Emily had the best birthdays ever.

Growing up, the only time Emily's birthdays were ever really acknowledged, in the way a kid should have their birthday acknowledged, was when it was turned into a political function where she had to wear perfect dresses, have perfect hair and talk to her mother's political friends while acting like the perfect daughter. So kids ever came to those "birthday parties" because she didn't ever really have friends in school and even if she did, they had to be vetted by her Mother who would ultimately reject all of them anyway. There were some children of other politicians, but they all hung out with each other, leaving Emily by herself to socialize with adults on a peripheral level

Most of the time though, her Mother wasn't even in the same country for Emily's birthday, let alone in the same house, and Emily was totally alone minus some of the staff who did their best to let her have a special day with a fresh made birthday cake and maybe some trinkets they were able to get together. Emily loved those presents honestly; local knickknacks, books in other languages, types of cultural clothing; she still has all of them as an adult. But even then, her birthday always felt like a hollow celebration. What was the point? Another trip around the sun? So what. Another day to be reminded of having everything and nothing growing up? No thanks.

When she joins the BAU, only Hotch and JJ know her birthday because they had to look at her paperwork when she joined. Although, JJ is the only one who remembers her birthday, because she went through protocol with Emily and made the effort to memorise the date.

The first time her birthday passes while she's with the BAU, Emily's surprised when JJ asks if she has any "exciting plans" for the day. They barely know each other, and Emily couldn't figure out why JJ even remembered when her birthday was. Emily chalks it up to just JJ randomly recalling it, since Emily joined not far from October, so it wasn't too absurd for JJ to still have the date in the back of her mind.

But Emily's still caught off guard by the question and gives a vague answer that causes JJ to smile amenably and sincerely wish her a happy birthday on her way out of the office. Emily thinks it's stupid that it means so much to her, that this woman she doesn't know that well, but is certain she's on the path to developing a high school level crush on, is wishing her a happy birthday without prompting and Emily tries to stop thinking about it all that night, but she can't.

JJ texts her later that night and says that she, Garcia, and Morgan had gone out for drinks and "I know you're probably busy with birthday plans, but if you have a minute to stop in, we'd love it if you would join us." Emily moves to respond, but then she doesn't because she doesn't want to let them know how she's just been sitting alone on her birthday weekend, when her co-workers obviously think she's out doing something special to mark the occasion. She convinces herself JJ's nicety is nothing more than her way to extend an obligatory 'new team member' invitation, as a way to try to make Emily feel included, so she doesn't reply, she doesn't go out with them, she just turns her phone off for the night and the next day she pretends nothing ever happened.

The second birthday Emily has at the BAU; she'd definitely grown closer to everyone and her crush on JJ has since turned into a full out "oh god please stop this train" type of feeling, Emily is totally in love with her.

JJ knows that Emily's not into her birthday by this point, everyone knows by this point because Emily dodges any mention of it. But the whole two weeks leading up to Em's birthday, JJ and Garcia are trying to figure out her plans, if she even has any, because JJ is dead-set on throwing this woman a party and Emily is just not having any of it at all; she can tell they're both up to something and that's why they keep needling her for her plans, so she keeps giving them the vaguest of vague answers, knowing that if she gives them anything concrete one way or the other, they'll make plans and Emily definitely doesn't want that. She feels uncomfortable making anyone to go out of their way for her, which makes her completely miss the fact that JJ wants to do this, she wants to go out of her way to do something nice for Emily.

Emily manages to dodge everyone getting into her business about her plans and she settles down at home for her birthday weekend, just hoping to catch up on house chores she'd been neglecting, because of work. And while she used to brood the whole day, just be the personification of gloom, that act got old after college and now, it genuinely feels like any other day in the year.

In fact, if JJ hadn't brought it up the last two years, Emily probably wouldn't have even remembered in the first place, because outside the fact that a (typewritten by her personal assistant) card from her Mother ends up in her mailbox either the week before or the week after her birthday, Emily honestly doesn't pay attention to the date at all.

She carries on with her Saturday, like any other Saturday she has off. She wakes up when her body feels like it, instead of when the alarm goes off, she goes for a run, she eats cereal on her couch still in her sweaty running clothes while aimlessly flipping through channels, she takes the longest shower she can stand while blasting music and then she gets into a clean pair of underwear and a tank top, with literally no plans to put normal clothes on for the next twelve hours. At the end of the day when her house is clean and she's caught up on some paperwork and checked all her work emails, she decides to chill out, sprawled across her couch watching a nature documentary marathon and drinking wine and then, there's a knock on her door.

She's instantly confused, because she didn't ask anyone over and no one text her saying they were coming over. She knows she only just ordered Chinese delivery two minutes ago, which means it can't be them. And at this point, she's completely forgotten it's her birthday. But she rolls herself off the couch to go answer the door, and there's JJ standing there looking gorgeous, as usual, but her expression is excited and a little uncertain.

Emily cocks her head to one side, asking her if she's okay and JJ says of course she is, and then falls silent. Emily's left trying to figure out what's going on, she gives JJ a drawn out "okaaaaay, and?", while noticing how JJ keeps fiddling with the collar of her coat without saying anything useful. Emily finally shrugs and lets her in, mentioning she'd just ordered food and there'd definitely be leftovers, so if JJ wanted to stay and eat that'd be cool. She offers her some wine, which JJ accepts eagerly.

Emily goes to the kitchen to pour another glass, then when she comes back, JJ's still standing near the front hall, still in her coat, and looking a bit nervous. Emily's confused, because JJ had been to her apartment a million times before, so Emily has no idea what the hell JJ is nervous about. She thinks, maybe, JJ is in some type of hurry. Then quickly decides that's not the case, since JJ already agreed to stay for dinner, and even though she's in her coat, JJ has, at least, already kicked her shoes off.

Emily hands her the glass of wine, which JJ doesn't even look at before setting it down on the coffee table. She takes a deep breath and returns to stand in front of Emily, while clearing her throat awkwardly to try and explain.

JJ tells Emily that she'd been thinking about some way to make Em's birthdays mean something, and Emily kind of snickers because she only just remembered it was her birthday when JJ said as much in the moment, and she tells JJ that she's not avoiding her birthday every year because she's lonely and it's not about hating anything, it's quite literally that Emily just does not care about it, because it's not important enough to care about.

JJ pulls a hand through her hair, arguing that it is important. She explains that just because people (Emily's mother) acted like it wasn't, didn't mean that was true. And she tells Emily that she's the most intelligent, kind, nerdy, genuine, loving, beautiful woman JJ had ever met, and it's a goddamn shame that there isn't a celebration for every single day she's present in the world, but especially on the day that the world was blessed to welcome someone like her into it. JJ gets really impassioned about it, to the point Emily is flustered about what JJ's saying.

Emily doesn't know really how to respond and holy shit, did JJ call her beautiful? She did, and honestly, JJ had told her the same thing before, but the way she was saying it now -- Emily decides maybe she'd had too much wine, because she's reading into things that aren't there again. And she notices that, somehow, they'd gotten super into each other's personal space while JJ was talking. Emily can feel that her face is red, so she takes a step back and tells JJ 'thank you, that that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me', because it's true, but JJ says she isn't done yet.

JJ says that she'd been trying to figure Emily out for a while, ever since Emily joined the BAU, but JJ understood now, she'd made a mistake, because Emily wasn't the kind of person one could just 'figure out'. Which only made her even more appealing to JJ.

Then JJ tells her about how she was nominally against dating coworkers, so she'd tried to ignore the feelings she'd been developing for Emily for the last years, but sometimes it felt like it was a tidal wave and she was going to drown. And just like a tidal wave, it was useless to try and fight against the current; sometimes you just have to let it carry you out into the unknown.

JJ knows that Emily feels something for her too, but it doesn't matter to her if it's not exactly the same as what she feels, it doesn't matter if it's not the same magnitude. The important part is Emily feels something, anything, mutual.

JJ tells Emily that she'd been thinking for ages about the perfect present to give her, but what do you get for someone who basically has everything? She was going to try and throw Emily a party to show her that people cared about her and loved her, but then she realized what Emily had already said, it wasn't that she thought people didn't care, it was that Emily herself didn't care, her birthday would never truly mean anything to her.

To JJ though, well, Emily's birthday may as well be a high holy day as far as she was concerned, and the only thing she could think of to give Emily that would prove how much she truly means to JJ, was herself.

And that's when JJ recloses the distance between them and just kisses Emily stupid.

Instantly, they're groping each other like hormonal teenagers and they end up falling into each other on the couch. JJ suggested they go to the bedroom in the most eloquent of ways between kisses ("Uhm...Em?...Bedroom?"), but Emily responded just as eloquently when she can bear to pull her mouth away from JJ's throat and collarbone ("Hmm?...What? No...Too far")

So the couch is where they end up and Emily finally gets JJ out of her jacket. And in that moment, she almost loses her grip on reality altogether, because JJ came prepared for this. Under her jacket, she was wearing the most ridiculously attractive violet lingerie set Emily'd ever set her eyes on, let alone seen on another person, and it causes her to completely stop what she's doing, because she's legitimately struck with awe.

JJ is more pleased than a puppy in a tennis ball factory, because that's exactly the reaction she'd been hoping for. She grins and says "Happy birthday, Em" and Emily whispers rather reverently "it certainly is" before fucking JJ into oblivion.

And that was the best birthday Emily ever had in her life and after that year, Emily's birthday was always celebrated, because her girlfriend refused to have it any other way. And who was Emily to argue?

#criminal minds #emily prenitss #jemily #jennifer jareau #cm fanfiction #cm headcanon #my writing #happy birthday

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toomanysurveys9 · 7 months ago

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1. Who was the last person you forgave? How long did it take you to forgive them? Honestly, I don't really remember.

2. Is going mushroom hunting in the woods something that would interest you? Not even a little.

3. What is your favorite junk food? How about your favorite health food? Favorite junk food is definitely ice cream. Favorite healthy food is almost any kind of fruit. Especially watermelon lately.

4. Are you listening to anything right now? Do you normally listen to music while you take surveys? Listening to a classmate's presentation. We've heard it several times already - it's her capstone presentation!

5. What were you doing the last time you hung out with a friend? Kayla and Brittany were drinking and we were all just hanging out and venting and snacking.

6. Is there anything about you that might cause others to dislike you? Oh, I'm sure. I'm definitely not the best person in the world or anthing.

7. Is there anything you’re really particular or specific about, anything that has to be done a certain way every time? Yeah, the way I clean certain things at work.

8. Are there any chores you need to get done today? I need to put more laundry away before we go on our trip this coming week. D:

9. Where was the last place you went shopping and what did you buy? I went to Martin's and got a few things for dinner tonight.

10. What was the last big change you made to your physical appearance? When I changed my hair style to what it is now.

11. Are you more likely to shut people out of your life or try to fix things no matter what? Typically, I try to work things out. It has to be really bad for me to shut people out of my life.

12. Where was the last place you went out to eat? Is going out something you enjoy or would you rather cook at home? My mom and I went to Taco Bell on Sunday night.

13. If you have any pets, do they seem to notice when you’re sick or sad? They definitely notice changes in me. My dogs get more protective and my cat gets more cuddly.

15. Is anything you’ve done lately going to matter in a year? Well, yeah. I'm almost done with grad school and also parenting my babies.

16. What was the subject of your last phone call? I was asking Jacob when he was coming home because his dinner was almost done and he had told me he was headed home earlier.

17. Are your hobbies something you’d rather do alone or with others? Depends on the hobby I am doing... but usually alone OR cuddled up with my babies.

18. Is there anything about yourself that you’re trying to improve? I need to work on my time management.

19. What are you doing today? I have supervision until 11 pm and then I get to go to bed. I'm exhausted.

20. What did you dream about last night? I don't remember except it wasn't a very good dream.

21. When was the last time you visited relatives? Do you see extended family often? I visited my sister this weekend, kind of, when we picked up her and my nieces to hangout.

22. What was the last relaxing thing you did? Laid down before supervision.

23. Will this weekend be better than last weekend? Yes, we're going to Florida.

24. When was the last time you were there for a friend? A couple weekends ago I guess.

25. Do you have any jewelry you almost never take off? My suicide awareness bracelet for Justin. I had to put on a different one because my other one broke after two years.

26. What are some of your favorite words? I don't know.

27. Do you have any journals from when you were younger? If so, do you ever go back and read them? I do. But I think I'm going to throw them away. I don't think I want to read them ever again.

28. Are there any holidays you used to celebrate, but no longer do? Not really.

29. What was the last occasion for which you dressed up? I honestly can't remember. I never dress up.

30. Is there anything you wish you could say to anyone? There definitely is but I can't.

#survey #surveys #personal #questions #question #random

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servin-up-surveys · 2 years ago

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survey #110

(taken february 2nd; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Have you ever taken classes, ie pottery, swimming lessons, etc? I took dance classes for maaaany years, and I also briefly got electric guitar lessons. I'm currently taking my second non-school-student type photography class, and this one is REALLY benefiting me. I've maybe taken more, but I don't remember any right now that weren't like, school classes. I guess you could include German, but taking a language was mandatory to graduate; granted, I took more classes than what was necessary to graduate in it. Lately I've actually been considering looking into venomous snake handling for once I'm in better shape and can react adequately so I can actually help people move snakes instead of them getting killed. I don't have any interest in handling venomous species beyond that, though. I just don't think it's smart.

Do you play games on your PC? I only really play WoW these days. I do however REALLY want to play the remake of Resident Evil 4 when it comes out in March, but I don't have an appropriate console, so I'm stuck with doing PC.

If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? A TARANTULA. :( God I want at least ONE so badly. There was a great deal for one of my favorite beginner species on Craigslist the other day and you have no idea how tempted I was to ask Mom for the millionth time. 😭

Do you have an active sex life? Not so far as having straight-up sex, but I'd say we do "things" at a normal and healthy rate.

If you could change any law, what would you change? Why? Healthcare is fucking free, for everyone. I should NOT even need to explain the reason.

What would be your VERY last meal? If I had the ability to pick, uh... I really don't know for sure, it would still depend on what I felt like having...

Are you defensive about anything? Yes; my mental health and what I've dealt with/survived. I also get very uncomfortable when people shit all over things I like in the way that they make you feel dumb or weird for liking something. You're allowed to not like ANYTHING I like, but when you make me feel bad about it/like I'm morally doing something wrong by liking the thing, I WILL get defensive. I know part of that comes from my extreme hypersensitivity to rejection/judgment thanks to AvPD, so I'm probably worse about it than some people.

Have you ever driven 80+ mph? *I* haven't, but I've definitely been in cars that were going over that... which I wasn't happy about.

Have you ever changed a lightbulb? In my reptiles' heat lamps, yes.

Is your house energy efficient? Well I know Mom always complains about the electric bill, so I guess not. It is abnormally high compared to friends and family.

Any vacations planned? No. We basically never, ever go on vacations.

Did you ever watch Sailor Moon? Yes I did. My older sister was particularly absolutely obsessed.

What gym do you have a membership to? None, now. But the last time was the YMCA, which I liked WAY more than Planet Fitness. The people were very, very friendly and accepting.

If you had to get glasses would you wear contacts? I WISH I could handle contacts, but I just can't. I had an absolutely godawful experience where I put one in backwards once and it got completely stuck somewhere in my eye, like I was literally crying for at LEAST over 15 minutes fighting like hell to find it and get it out. I think that's the specific occasion where I changed to glasses. I eventually went back to trying contacts, but by this point I needed a weighted one in one of my eyes because my vision in it was so severe, and it gave me bad headaches. I could literally feel the weight ON my eye. Since then I've stuck with glasses.

Best party you’ve ever been to? One of Summer's as a teenager. We just hung out in this extra building that's at her place, which she decorated thoroughly, and we also had big ol' speakers playing music in there. It was very fun.

Have you ever been skinny dipping? No, but I have this weird urge to one day when I don't actually hate my body lmao

Best summer memory? Oh I have no idea, but I'm sure it was from my childhood. I've absolutely dreaded summer since like, a pre-teen.

Have you ever been surfing? No.

Do you own any Funko Pop! figurines? I don't.

Have you ever had Fiji brand water? I'm not sure, actually...

What’s the name of the local news network in your town? WRAL. Well, I don't know if my actual city has its own news network, but that's the big nearby one that everyone watches.

Have you ever colored in an adult coloring book as a stress reliever? Not necessarily as a stress reliever, I just wanted to.

What would you do if you accidentally got pregnant? Have an absolute emotional crisis/meltdown and get an abortion.

What’s your favorite Netflix show? Extraordinary Attorney Woo.

What was the last really intense pain you felt? A few days ago I had very, very intense stomach cramps that made me like silently gasp with how bad they were. It's really common I have stomach problems that go beyond normal cramping when I'm on my period.

Who was the first male you talked to today? What colour are his eyes? Girt's eyes are brown.

Are you wearing any accessories in your hair? Describe them. No, I never do.

Who was your first best friend? Do you still speak to that person? Brianna, and no. Although I did see her mother the last time I was at the dentist, and between she, my mom, and me, we're thinking of planning a get-together with the family whenever Brianna next comes back into town. I really would love to see her, although I'm uh, kinda nervous about the idea. Brianna is way, WAY more successful than I am and I worry she'll be disappointed in me and what I became.

Have you seen the person you love/like recently? How is he/she doing? It's been around a week and I miss him super badly. He was really stressed out recently, primarily because of work, but he told me yesterday that the day he took for himself really, really helped him refuel, so I'm very happy about that. He's apparently very excited for this weekend though so that makes me happy.

How many vowels are there in your full name? Six.

Do you like your middle name, or does it embarrass you? It's pretty, but I absolutely hate how insanely common it is.

Are you wearing anything that was given to you as a gift? Yeah, my current pj pants were a Christmas gift, as were the gauges I currently have in my ears.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? I think she's a beautiful woman.

Name a singer that you like, whose name starts with the letter "C." Chris Cerulli/Motionless is a great one.

Who is the sixth contact in your phone? What colour is his/her hair? She's actually a natural redhead.

What is your brother/sister’s favourite food? I don't know any of my siblings' ACTUAL favorite food, but I can tell you Nicole's is probably a Mexican dish, she fucking loves Mexican food.

Do you have any ice-cream in your freezer? What flavour is it? No, we try to not keep ice cream or just sweets in general.

In your life, who is the person that seems to understand you the most? My mom, I think.

Which one of your friends do you see/hang out with most often? I only really ever hang out with Girt, but he's way more than a friend so idk if he counts here.

If you want children, what are some of your reasons for wanting them? I'm not gonna go deep into this because I don't even like entertaining the idea of allowing myself to have kids, but I guess primarily to give the world a person/people who I believe can do great things. Then there's also I just like... want to do/make SOMETHING I'm proud of, but that's not the reason you should have a kid. I also really do think that especially as they got older, I could really be friends with my children.

What were some fun experiments you did in science class as a kid? This was obviously painful on the heart to do, but I will never forget dissecting a frog. It was SO fascinating. Dissecting owl pellets was also very cool, like some people would find actual rodent skulls and stuff. I know there are others, I really loved doing science experiments, I just don't remember them now.

What was the last strong emotion you felt? I was very stressed last night talking to Mom about going back to my old therapist once she moves into her new business.

After finishing a bowl of cereal, do you drink the leftover milk? No. Well, I guess not NEVER, but it's super rare and depends on the cereal.

What’s your favorite sub-genre of rock? Hard rock.

What historical event would you have liked to witness? Even before I was big into German culture and stuff, my answer to this was the fall of the Berlin wall. A country coming back together is a wonderful, powerful thing. I've seen pictures and videos of the event and oh my god it's incredible.

Who was the last person to get frustrated with you, and why? That I KNOW of, uh... realistically probably Mom, but idk what I most recently did to make her feel that way.

Have you ever lived with someone you didn’t get along with? No. At least, we didn't consistently not get along.

What’s something that bothers you more and more as you get older? Why people get so fucking bent out of shape for others leading their lives in a totally harmless manner just because they disagree with what they stand for when it has ZERO effect on them. That is just a special level of SEEKING out something to be mad about and also emphasize how much holier than thou you think you are. It's fucking infantile.

What types of animals have you had as pets? Cats, dogs, guinea pigs, lizards, rabbits, rats (and maybe mice, I'm not sure...), gerbils, snakes, hamsters, fish...

What was the last fruit you ate? It was uhhhhh... maybe grapes...? I'm not sure, really, as far as just straight fruit goes.

What gives you immense pleasure? Finishing something that I feel was truly productive, especially if it's something I've been putting off.

What is an article of clothing you would never ever wear? Thongs, they are wildly uncomfortable.

Have you ever been afraid to get up and go to the bathroom? Yes; many, many years ago when I had a hemorrhoid (second-most physically painful thing I have ever been through) and basically wanted to fucking die. I also kinda just have gastrointestinal issues in general and have my entire life and there are times where my stomach wants me dead very, very suddenly and I never actually look forward to taking care of the whole process lmfao, I'll spare you the details.

What would you do if you knew a robber was in your house? It would probably depend on where I hear noise going on, and if my mom is home; if she is, I'm going to try to get into her room across the hall first, but I can guaranfuckingtee she'd either be beating the absolute shit out of the robber or be in my room quicker than you could fucking blink; she DOES NOT fuck around when her kids/grandkids/kids in general are at risk. Once she's in there or if I'm home alone, I'm/we're going out the window and getting a neighbor to call the cops.

Who’d you last see in a tux? In person, most likely the groom and groomsmen at the last wedding I shot.

Have you ever sexted? I've sent sexual texts before, but I've never gone past that.

Out of everyone you know, who has the most heart? My mama.

Who’s the bravest person you know? Also my mom.

Have you ever given up on someone before? I mean, yeah. I think everyone has.

Did you end up regretting it later in life? No. At least, not that I remember.

Have you ever done something terrible, but took forever to feel bad? How I treated Jason after he left, yes. I was 120% fully convinced everything I said was justified for years. I was very wrong.

How come no one knows what MGMT is? Coincidentally I know and like one song by them thanks to Girt, "Little Dark Age." I wanna listen to it now, thanks, lol.

What did you dream about last night? I just remember it had Juan in it, which was REALLY weird?????? Also we were getting hotdogs? Idk bro lmao

Have you ever tried to change someone? Yes. Never should've in my case.

Have you ever made a fake profile, for any reason? Nope.

Do you miss your ex? Not anymore. I don't miss people who ultimately didn't support/believe in me.

Have you ever questioned your sexuality? Yup, starting in the 8th grade. I basically had a crisis over me being bisexual, but I was VERY Christian at the time and eventually managed to just repress my feelings until adulthood. Religion did so much fucking harm to me and the kind of person I was.

Do you have mean comments that replay in your head and haunt you? FUCKING YUP.

^ If so, do you know why that is? Because I always, ALWAYS worry about what if they're actually right? I have this problem where I second-guess my own intentions and shit ALL the time, like a part of me is so convinced I'm actually a bad, manipulative person, even though in my *heart* and *core* I don't believe that at all... but it's a problem I've been totally obsessed with for years. I will latch the fuck onto "what if"s like nobody's business.

What are you currently worried about, if anything? I can't for the life of me pick out a gift for Girt for Valentine's. I have future ideas for sure, mostly custom products, but I need pictures of us, and none exist because we're both not picture people, so they're out of the question for now. I'm absolutely running out of time. I have a drawing/painting I want to make him planned, but I need to actually fucking DO it, and I want to get him more than that anyway.

When you have your own house someday, what color Christmas tree do you want and how will you decorate it? I ABSOLUTELY want a black Christmas tree with white faux snow/frost, then probably use ornaments of a specific color scheme each year. Already told Girt we're getting a black tree and he's totally on board, y'all I got me a WINNER

Name 3 YouTube channels you’ve been loving lately. GameGrumps has been my go-to, but I also regularly watch WoolieVS and John Wolfe.

Do you have a YouTube channel? Yeah, and I'm actually very heavily considering getting back into making Meerkat Manor tribute-esque videos. This laptop doesn't have a disc tray though, so I can't put my DVDs in and save the footage, and it's not at all easy to find quality MM footage online. I've been working on a list of projects I wanna do, though.

If you could win a shopping spree in any store, what would it be? Rebel's Market.

What color was your senior prom dress? Black. I really wish I hadn't deleted all those pictures, the dress was so pretty, *I* was pretty (though I didn't think so back then), I looked so happy...

Name the people you know who are colorblind. Jason's older brother Jonathan is like... red/green colorblind, if I remember right. It was some two colors.

How good are you in trivia games? What’s your best category? It really depends. I'd say I know more trivia than the *average* person (literally mostly from my GMM days lmfao), but I am absolutely not amazing at it. I could always like, ace animal behavior/science questions, though.

Are you a sore winner or a sore loser? Neither, in total honesty. I believe everyone deserves their time in the spotlight, especially when they worked hard for it, so I'm happy for 'em when it's their turn! I'm not gonna lie and say I wouldn't be DISAPPOINTED if it was something I was very serious about and worked hard on (like for example, a photography competition), but it won't go beyond that.

Who is your absolute favourite film director? Tim Burton. I LOVE his style and endless creativity.

What is a question you would never ever ask somebody? Things like if they were ever assaulted. Very triggering things.

#survey #surveys #personal questions #random questions

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bardock1991 · 2 years ago

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Sorry, i should've been specific about Oz. I meant that he wasn't gonna outlive them because i find it hard to believe that WHEN, yes- WHEN, not IF, they finally defeat Salem for good, Ozma will still be around, i should've specified that better. My B.

"Oz gave them everything, yet they gave him nothing"... Yeah, no. That's a ball faced lie.

For starters, he didn't give them "everything" & that's putting the stuff about the truth to the side. While it's true that Ozpin has indeed done many good things for Remnant... Are we REALLY gonna ignore the stuff that he did that horribly BACKFIRED on his ass? Mainly the Maidens, which caused the deaths of MANY woman for who knows HOW many millenniums & made their lives REALLY hard, only to make their lives even HARDER by literally make them gatekeepers of 4 Relics from a god?!... Are we just gonna IGNORE that? Not just that, it's pretty evident Ozpin also could've prevented A LOT of stuff from happening if he actually got his ass of the chair & actually did anything, but chose to be passive until the last minute when the damage is already done, mainly stuff with Roman & the White Fang.

One thing i wanna say first, it IS a nice thing that he's trusting those people on Team RWBY (as well as whoever else he could find at the time), it's nice to see that he doesn't have to do EVERYTHING by himself & that he can trust people who he KNOWS are strong to deal with these threats... Here's the problem... 1: Team RWBY are still freshman at the time, while they're strong & getting tons of EXP from these encounters, they're not exactly able to STOP them & 2: The fact that he sorta LET the WF & Roman do as much as they please is a little odd, especially the former as it became more & more powerful & violent.

Heck, when you think about it, Glynda's encounter with ROMAN on the first chapter of the show likely happened because Ruby herself got involved, not because of Roman or anything. It wouldn't be a stretch to say that in the previous times Roman did his stuff in Vale... Ozpin didn't really DO anything or sent someone to stop him, even though he DEFINITELY could've & should've... & Sure, Roman by himself isn't a threat, but the fact that he's specifically stealing Dust should PROBABLY not be something Ozpin should be ignoring.

& Then there's the mind games & half-truths/lies he constantly pulls on them which... Oh boy... Now TO BE FAIR on the guy, the stuff with Salem isn't exactly something he can just TELL them out of the blue, especially since he doesn't know if they're fully on board with this stuff, so it's understandable for him to WAIT to see if he can trust them enough with the truth... There's just one problem with that... Ozpin would likely never do that... Like- at all & it's not really because the kids "weren't worthy" or the truth like you say. It's mainly because Ozpin has... REALLY bad trust issues. Which AGAIN, it's perfectly understandable given his history. (Heck, if you even wanna take the novels into account, which i do, we actually get to SEE that trust of his being broken on occasion in The Fairytales of Remnant)

But as Yang said, if they're gonna risk their lives for this, they should PROBABLY know the gravity of the situation. May i remind you that this is after A: Ozpin "promised" to them that he wouldn't do any more of those lies/half-truth games & B: The BIG one, it happened RIGHT after the train crashed... & Why did the train crash? Because they were fighting Grimm, a LOT of Grimm in fact, one of which managing to destroy one of the wheels (or was it the rail, can't remember, but that's not important right now) & WHY were there a lot of Grimm there?... Oh, nothing much, just because Ozpin "forgot" to tell them that the Relic could attract Grimm... In other words, Ozpin WILLINGLY took a massive risk that he did NOT need to take (said risk even killing a few people might i add) all in the hopes of keeping his secrets safe with him & it's not even a secret that he SHOULD'VE kept from the others to begin with!

No! Seriously, WHY did he do this?! Why did he brought a LITERAL Grimm Attractor on a HIGHLY POPULATED Transport, a TRAIN, no less, when he DIDN'T have to?! I can understand not being honest with the Salem stuff right away, but there was LITERALLY no reason for him not to go "Oh, by the way. This Lamp & by extension, the other relics, have the power to attract Grimm. We should probably work around this problem so we don't needlessly get civilians hurt &/or killed", but NO~, he KEPT that from the others & it could've gone south REALLY badly if Ruby didn't split the team up & dealt with the Grimm herself alongside her team.

Considering the gravity & consequences of Ozpin's quite frankly very STUPID decision, that was the last straw for the heroes, that's when they were like "Enough is enough" with Ozpin & can you BLAME them after what just happened because of him? Cause i can't! I can't look at this situation & say Ruby & co. are wrong for being very upset at Ozpin for keeping a secret that A: he had NO reason to keep & B: said secret keeping put not only their own LIVES at risk, but also the lives of the CIVILIANS! Heck, a few of them actually DIED!... No wonder the girls were pissed at him after that. Again, Ozpin's mindset is understandable, but there's always a line you should never cross... & At that moment, Ozpin just CROSSED that line & they were LUCKY to have survived the train incident.

& As i said before, they were ALREADY fighting for his cause IN-SPITE of them not having the full story, some obviously had their own reasons, but they still did it, all they wanted was to be treated as EQUALS, something Ozpin would never do prior to late V8. Of course, BOTH sides come to an understatement in late V8, with Ozpin learning from his mistakes & Ruby & Co. fully realizing the gravity of this war now that they're taking center stage on it & see how HORRIBLY unprepared they are, but that took a WHILE.

So no, this "Ozpin gave them everything & got nothing in return" comment isn't true, I'm sorry. Not when you actually see BOTH sides.

Jesus, that was a rant & a half...

The impact of truth upon rwby

Questions asked by @angstandhappiness

@iamafanofcartoons @sid471 @miki-13 @keyenuta @anthurak @bardock1991 @harostar @thegirlwholovespines

I would like to get your thoughts on these as well as they do pertain to similar subjects that we have talked about in the past.

What do you think of Ozpin’s choice on choosing Pyrrha to be the new Fall Maiden?

On paper it seems ideal but like any candidate chosen or given a job or task it’s the then and there do you see whether or not it was a good choice and selection to make that person the one for the job or in this case Pyrrha as the Fall Maiden.

Truth be told when Oz made this choice there is a very high possibility that he didn’t know Pyrrha as much as he needed to and this is due to Pyrrha herself.

Personally I think Pyrrha more or less was having the same problem as any teen that could have been resolved had she talked and shared her thoughts about it instead of bottling up her emotions and just going with the flow.

Had that been known chances are Ozpin wouldn’t have chosen her to have been the Fall maiden but in all honesty and truth there weren’t that many options if you had to choose a good natured candidate to be an all powerful elemental avatar so yeah on paper she seemed like an ideal choice but once you read in between the lines it’s a 50/50 gamble on whether or not it will pay off.

What is your opinion on Ozpin withholding the truth from his current allies of Salem’s true invulnerability and immortality?

First off she is not invulnerable, maybe fast healing but not invulnerable if V8 is proof of anything.

Second to answer this one I have to invoke the old question that Dr. Oobleck asked team RWBY; Why did they become Huntsmen and Huntressesin the first place?

Before Salem was even a thing to the main characters they seemed pretty ok spending their lives knowing they can never eradicate the Grimm so that does beg the question; What’s the difference between then and now?

All they know now is that the Grimm have a leader and that just like them they can never truly eradicate the threat of her but beyond that what has really changed?

Does knowing that you can never beat or kill the final boss that is actively trying to kill you, your friends and every defenseless innocent really going to discourage you from doing whatever you can to help hinder said enemy and defend everyone you care or will care for?

No unless you have resolved to continue on with the fight and endure knowing that you may not succeed, and that those of good may continue to fail for thousands of years after you but they will not stop. All it takes for evil to truly succeed is if good people do nothing.

Now why do I bring up this highly philosophical theory is because everything that I just said is what is more or less Ozpin’s resolve and why he didn’t share the truth about Salem’s immortality with his allies; They are not Heroes who joined him to counter Salem

Other than Ruby Rose every single one of Ozpin’s allies did not join his fight against salem because they were altruistic or charitable enough to lend a helping hand for the greater good, no just like their choice to be huntsmen and huntresses they are not in this fight because it’s the right thing to do, they are in it hoping that it will help serve their own personal needs and goals

In short the overall reason why Ozpin didn’t share the truth is because almost all of his allies are not true or real heroes that are on his side because it’s the right thing to do.

To help further explore this point here’s a list of goals and motives for some of Ozpin’s allies for either being huntsmen or being in this conflict and why they prove that they did not deserve the truth

These will also lead into the next question.

Team RWBY

Weiss;

Goal; redeem the Schnee family name & SDC.

Motive; prove that she is nothing like her father.

Why they didn’t deserve to know about salem’s immortality; All her efforts and goals are self serving and tend and will only benefit her so that she may not feel so guilty about being a rich girl with a monopoly on the words most relied and needed resource to survive on

Sidenote; I’m not familiar with the inner workings of shady corporations or questionable business practices but i’m pretty sure being a monster slayer is not going to expose and remove Jaques from power so can someone tell me why Weiss couldn’t have done a whistleblower operation or corporate espionage instead of becoming a Huntress because honestly besides the fame and notoriety I don’t think there was any legitimate reason for Weiss to be a huntress (Like do Huntsmen double as PI’s or something?)

Blake;

Goal; Faunus equality/ Making things right with her friends

Side note; not gonna lie I don’t even know what her goals are anymore as her character at this point has been reduced to a love interest for Yang

Motive; Better life for herself/ Redemption for being both an enabler and coward

Why they didn’t deserve to know about salem’s immortality; Just like Weiss, her goals and motives are also self serving in the sense that it opens more opportunities in life for blake as well as to put her mind at ease for being an ex terrorist as well as abandoning her friends and family in the past

Yang;

Goal; Find out why Raven abandoned her

Side note; Honestly this could have been resolved had anyone just told her that her mom was a psychopathic murderer who would rather kill than be part of a family

Motive; Besides knowing the truth for why Raven is awful she is also motivated by thrill seeking adventures and danger

Side note; there might be a bit of revenge and resentment added to her motives post V3 due to being framed losing her arm and being abandoned by almost everyone she had known

Why they didn’t deserve to know about salem’s immortality; Besides being the daughter of a person that uses Ozpin’s teachings and power for evil, Yang is another example of someone who only does things that benefit herself and could care less about what happens(not unlike Raven)

Sidenote; if V5 & V6 are anything they prove that Yang is more or less the first one to walk away, and doesn’t give a damn about the Salem conflict and will have left had Ruby not been there to stay.

Team JNPR

Jaune;

Goal; Become a Huntsmen to prove himself to his family and be a hero

Motive; apparently he is the family disappointment

Sidenote; Revenge for Pyrrah may be a motive post Fall of Beacon

Why they didn’t deserve to know about salem’s immortality; besides lying, cheating and forging transcripts to get into beacon Jaune is another example of a self serving huntsmen with the added bonus that he should never have been involved in the first place

Sidenote; I can’t say for certain why Ozpin allowed Jaune to continue as a student in Beacon with forged transcripts but I doubt a reincarnating benign with 1000+ years of experience wouldn’t recognize forgery so for the benefit of the doubt lets assume that Ozpin decided to go with a 50/50 gamble either A.) Jaune becomes a great huntsmen or B.) he dies either way Jaune got what he wanted and Ozpin wins.

Nora;

Goal; Be with Ren/ Find self worth independent from Ren(Later)

Motive; Not to be alone and abandoned again

Sidenote; V8 really gave Nora depth as a character as to be honest she more or less was a flat character

Why they didn’t deserve to know about salem’s immortality; Honestly besides Ruby, and Pyrrah Nora more or less had a decent 50/50 chance to have been involved in the Salem conflict however Nora Pre V6 wasn’t exactly the most reliable or secretive individual from Ozpin’s perspective and in all honesty had very little relevance or motive to be involved in the Salem conflict

Ren;

Goal; Become a Huntsmen

Sidenote; Possibly wanting to prevent others from having to lose what he had lost

Motive; Grief and anger from being orphaned by the Grimm

Sidenote; Basically he’s batman with the whole I am vengeance thing

Why they didn’t deserve to know about Salem’s immortality; If later volumes after V4 are anything Ren isn’t exactly one of the most emotionally stable people to trust as his character during the Atlas arc is more or less akin to a whiny emotional b!7(# while trying to be emo and besides that just like Nora he had very little relevance or motive to be part of the Salem conflict

And Yes even though it was a Grimm that orphaned Ren I doubt Salem sent the Knuckleleave just to orphan Ren and in truth the destruction of Kuroyuri is ore or less akin to that of a wild animal attack, just a random act of nature that serves no purpose

Other

Qrow

Goal; Find friendship and protect the only real family he has left

Motive; Self worth and loneliness

Why they didn’t deserve to know about salem’s immortality; Besides the fact that originally he was to use Ozpin’s teachings as a huntsmen to rob and kill innocent people

Ironwood

Goal; Ensure Atlas(the source of his power) is absolute and will endure

Motive; Obtaining power to feed his ego and hero complex

Why they didn’t deserve to know about salem’s immortality; to put it in short Ironwood only ever say the Salem conflict as a opportunity to increase Atlesian influence and superiority as well as a means to increase his own rule and power and being the opposite of everything that Ozpin stood for and tried to achieve

Sidenote; Ozpin wasn’t about seizing power or creating an unchallenged rule or seeking glory. Ozpin was doing what was best to help guide and nurture the good for the people of remnant, not to rule or control them with little care like Ironwood did.

Sidenote; I’ve done an entire analysis series on Ironwood explaining why

As you can see a majority of Ozpin’s allies really shouldn’t have been involved in the first place due to just what kind of people they are and probably still are by the time of the show’s present. But due to circumstances and the choices of a few people they are involved do to either need or accident regardless of who they are and what they hope to achieve which is enough just cause and reason for why Ozpin didn’t tell them about Salem’s immortality

Because it was none of their business and by far beyond any of their capabilities combined as in truth the conflict with Salem is truly only Oz’s. Those are my reasons why none of these people were told the truth about Salem’s immortality as well as why they didn’t need or deserve to know as well. With that I’ll be moving on to the next question.

How do you think he should have told them, and when?

I just gave a whole lot of reasons why they shouldn’t have been told and if you noticed Ruby isn’t apart of that list because out of all Oz’s allies I do see Ruby as being the first if only person that Ozpin would have told the truth about Salem’s immortality because unlike the others her goals and motives aren’t self serving or a means to an end.

Ruby is content with being a huntress and is more or less willing to spend her days as one knowing she will die but still helps people along the way regardless of what the situation is or what the outcome will be.

But if Oz had to tell them it would probably have happened after they secured the relic in Atlas first and probably before Ironwood’s descent into warmongering which lead to his eventual insanity in V8.

But that is besides the point, for you see this conflict with Salem is and always has been Oz’s problem and his problem only and everyone else could only really do is lend a helping hand and nothing more. Because of the sad truth and reality, what can they do? It doesn’t matter if they are all powerful, if all the grimm are extinct or if the world is under their control. Salem and Oz are basically timeless beings now and everyone around them will die and everything they have achieved will be undone one way or another.

And even then Defeating and Killing Salem is not the end goal of Oz’s mission. Salem may be the biggest obstacle at the moment but her being out of the picture doesn’t mean or guarantee that things will be better for everyone.

Regardless of whether or not the main cast succeed and defeat Salem and she finally dies, Oz will still be there, once all of RWBY & JNR die Oz will still be there, and in in either hundred or a thousand years later after all of this Oz will still be there and will still be there after until he either succeeds in his mission in uniting Remnant in peace or until the Ozma soul has become so stretched and diminished to the point that the soul may no longer be able to reincarnate and eventually fade away into non existence. No afterlife, no heaven or hell, no rest just gone.

It’s a sad but likely outcome for Oz because the story of the show and overall conflict with Salem isn’t a tale about power or dominance or about hope and fellowship.

It is a tale about, Human evil and all that it encompasses which leads to the consequences that is the overall theme between Salem and Oz and those that become involved; A tale of Death and the desire for deathlessness.

For better or worse or for good or evil, all thing must come to an end in order for the tale to progress and move forward otherwise the great old tales will never end and history repeats itself and were back at square one

These are my thoughts to these questions let me know what you think?

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mywritingonlyfans · 3 years ago

Text

Angst fic with Damiano David

prompt: a angsty about reader being sad (dami bff) 'cause damiano doesn't feel the same way romantically. ps. there's a lot of victoria de angelis being a angel in this fic, and it's basically about reader going through it.

warnings: none? it's just a bit sad and longer than usual.

All the soft touches still tingled all over your body. His scent was until now stuck to you, you never thought you’d feel happy to have woody essence along with cigarette smoke on you.

Folding the sleeve of his sweater, you put your tea in one of the cups you always use when you were there. His cotton piece was comfortable, making you didn't regret wearing it in the morning; it was cold and wearing your tank top from the night before didn't feel right. The shorts from yesterday, that were making your legs freeze were enough trouble for you to handle. The remnants of your clothes and belongings were collected from the floor of his room and placed carefully on his headboard, you made sure you were being quiet. Damiano has always been a heavy sleeper, but your counscious prevented you from risking disturbing him when he looks so peaceful. You had already spent much time at his place so you memorized where every thing in his kitchen - and others rooms - was; baking eggs and making tea wasn’t a mystery for you. You had even separated a Tylenol tablet for Damiano, so he could have it with his tea when he woke up with a wicked hangover. He wasn't the type to get drunk and forget what he did, nor were you. Since when you were teenagers, you have gone out and been drunk together a lot of times, and although your feelings were already present, nothing never happened. This time, however, alcohol helped injecting a dose of courage on him. Being honest with yourself, you didn't remember who started it; but the kiss in the midst of the loud music, his hand on the back of your neck, the exchanging glances while dancing and the moment he took you home, they were pretty vividly in your mind. You still felt relaxed, as if his sweaty body was still over yours. Minutes with your eyes closed was enough to feel his eyes roaming your body all over again.

“Hi,” he said in a slurred voice, cutting off your line of thoughts. You jumped, briefly scared but soon turned your attention to reality; a tired Damiano scratching his eyes in front of you.

He was dressed, wearing sweatpants and sweatshirt, duly comfortable according to the weather.

“Headache?” You knew he was. He was always a good drinker, he put up with it a lot, but he was never one to get rid of the effects of alcohol on the next day. You, on the other hand, got on better with this issue; fortunately from the night before, only the good moments remained with you.

“Yeah, a bit,” he giggled. “What a night, I’d say.” He added, in a lower tone. What was acceptable, you also felt a bit weird to be in front of him.

“I got you some pills,” you pointed it out to him on the counter, trying to maintain a normal behavior; with no shacking voice or sweaty hands. Quite impossible. “I made tea too.”

“Dear God, you’re a life saver!” He smiled at you, eyes crinkled and all of his perfect teeth on display. Contagious.

You grinned, feeling your body getting lighter. “No worries. I’m glad to help.”

“Y’know, when I woke up and saw that you weren't there I thought you were gone. You know? Friendship destroyed and that whole thing. I’m happy to see you; relieved.” He took a sip of his tea, and maybe a bit of your heart with it. You were an explosion of feeling when it comes to him, you always have been. “That sweater looks good on you, you can keep it if you want. You know that’s my fave one.” And, yeah, you knew.

The tension on you was no longer intense, comforting you to let out the breath you were holding. “It’s good to hear that,” Your genuine smile managed to say many things, you wished Damiano had noticed you earlier on other occasions. “Do you remember that one time, when we were younger, that you were a bit crazy about a girl; Alice was his name.” You stopped; in need of air - nervous - and watched Dami's attentive face. “She was the first person to whom you dedicated a song, you played it to her at school break. The cutest thing I had ever seen. I think it was there that I realized, a little jealous—“

“Y/N,” his voice had been almost inaudible, causing no effect. Had he really tried?

“How in love I was with you.”

His face was paler than usual, he was paralyzed; speechless. You had never seen Damiano like this, the men was always all over the place in a sweet talkative mess.

It took a few minutes for you to be able to read his expressions and realize how fucked up you were. The dose of happiness in your blood had been able to manipulate you to believe in what you most wanted to happen.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” your blood had gone up to your ears, all you could pay attention to was the pressure in your head. How had you thought that after one specific night he would suddenly decide that he was in love with you? After all of this time that you were just a good friend for him? “I’m truly sorry but I’m don’t—“

“Feel the same way?” You finished. He nodded, apprehensively. You have never felt so stupid. It was a mixture of shame, fear and insecurity. You were unable to look directly at him, you knew that there was no change in following a friendship after what you just said, much less after the night before. You had never been so screwed.

“I’m the one who should be apologizing, I shouldn’t have said a thing.” You whispered, realizing that the lump in your throat had turned into tears that you didn't even know were running down your face.

“Come here,” he opened his arms, walking towards your emotionless frame. You allowed yourself to melt in his grip.

Your tears fell freely; you could even try to hold it back but there was no strength left for you to think about it. Your crying was silent, as was the kitchen room. Your head was full of questions and cursing at yourself. Suddenly you wished Damiano had yelled at you, asked you to get out of there or said he wouldn't never speak to you again. It seemed easier to deal with it in this alternative way than to have him comforting you for loving him. “Shh, it’ll alright. I could never be mad at you.”

He talked about your friendship, but you knew that nothing would end up well. Maybe for him. But for you? It’d not be that easy. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I should have known better, you were so loving with me last night that I thought— Fuck, we slept together. Which I know isn’t your fault because I don’t even remember who—“

“Stop, Y/N. Look at me,” He was being careful. You were making a person like Damiano calculate his words, that made you feel like pure shit. You stopped talking, looking at him was still difficult. He understood that you wouldn’t be doing so. “That’s fine. I don’t feel bad about you liking me in that way, you’re wonderful. I don't regret anything, last night was great, but I just... don't feel the same. I’d never do anything to hurt you. I can't even imagine how hard it’s being for you right now.” His words sounded sweet and sincere. He had tears in his eyes as well. His ability to be so empathetic to everyone was something you loved the most about him. He was probably killing himself on the inside for breaking you.

You nodded, leaning on the counter. You wanted to ask him if he remembered that he was your first kiss at the age of seven or all the times he sent you vinyl records with some message - that he had written himself - inside the cover. How did he not feel the same, shouldn't you be everything he wanted?

“Dami?” You sighed. Your eyes were red, your face probably swollen. You then looked straight at him; that surprisingly wasn’t much better than you. “Have you ever looked at me and seen me in another way? Something more than just your best friend?”

He didn’t say a thing, just look at you standing there. You get it.

“I think I should go,” You broke the silence that had been formed. You thought about taking his sweater off, but since you weren't wearing anything underneath, you thought it was better not; you’d have to go to his room to change, and then pick up your things only to delay your leaving.

“I can drive you home,” he said in a hush, looking for his car keys.

“It’s okay, a walk will be fine.”

“It’s fucking freezing outside, I can't let you walk over there like that.”

You ignored what he said, walking around the house to the front exit. He tried to grab your arm just for you to step back.

“I know you're just trying to help, but I need to be alone right now, without you near me.” You tried to say it in the most normal way possible, you didn't want to be mean, you only wanted to be fair to yourself.

“Sure.” It was the last thing you heard him say before you left, feeling the cold wind on your body. You didn't know if he had entered his house again or if he was watching you hug yourself as walking slowly to somewhere. You wouldn't dare to look back.

--------------------------------------------------------

“C’mon girl, get up here,” Upon hearing the husky, strong voice, you were relieved.

Victoria wasn’t wearing her usual jewelry and looked like she had just been woken up by force. You weren’t as close to her as you were with the other boys, however, you had never been so happy to see her.

You got in her car. “Thank you,”

“God, you look terrible. You’re fine?” You looked at your reflection in the rearview mirror and well, fine was definitely something you didn't look like.

“Dami asked you to come and get me?” Your throat was scratching, it was difficult to speak.

“Yeah,” she looked at you quickly, but due to your discomfort she backed off. More tears would come. “He didn't say why though, he just said he needed someone to come to you before you froze to death.” She said it in a way that made you laugh, even with your eyes filled with tears. “Did the two of you have a disagreement? You don't have to answer me if you don't want to.”

“Something similar.” You said shakily; due to your crying and chilly. Inside the car was heated, but your body was so cold that it didn't seem to be enough. You tried to snuggle in the passenger seat, letting your head rest against the window like in a sad film. Maybe that’d help.

“Here,” she handed you a coat, without hesitation you took it. “I brought it to you in case you needed it.”

You nodded slowly. “Thank you, Victoria,”

“You can call me Vic, just like everyone else,” she laughed.

You gave her a half smile. “Okay then, thank you very much, Vic,”

The rest of the day would be crying while you curled up in your bed, you’d let yourself feel at your worst; promising that you would try and change that the next day.

———----------------------------------------------

You expected the first few days to be the hardest, but it seemed to get worse with each passing day. Damiano had tried to call you a few times and in all of them you responded dryly, using short words, pretending it’d be okay. You truly tried, but you needed time to process what happened. You told him that, and then time he gave you.

After completing a month of the incident, you noticed how 'dependent' you had become on him. He was always around since you were kids, any problem you had you would look for him to talk to, now you felt like you had nothing. Your friends were friends of his, too, more of his friends than yours. You missed having Thomas failing on teaching you how to play guitar on your couch and besides you thought about calling him - just to distract yourself - you remembered that he was more a friend of Damiano than yours. It’d be weird. None of them contacted you at that time, not even Thomas. You couldn't figure it out if Dami had told them what happened and they decided to give you space or if they just didn't care about you when you wasn’t around Damiano.

Basically, where Dami was you would be and vice versa. It had always been like that.

When you saw that just time wasn’t solving anything, you programmed yourself to live in a way that you were busy all the time. Your routine became work, home and most of the time taking the work to be done also in your home. You didn't feel energized to make new friends, and going out on dates could help momentarily but it wouldn't be fair to go out with someone in the ‘mood’ you were in; then these ideas were soon discarded. Sleeping was impossible, you spent hours rolling over in bed; both for the flashbacks that plagued your mind, but also for the fact that you missed him. The nights were worse when you visit your mother or when she called and said, "Dami never came to see me again." or something like. “Are you still talking to each other? We don't let someone like Damiano leave our lives.”

Deep down, you knew there was no way you could be in love with him forever and that no matter how much it hurt at that moment it would pass. You started to repeat it to yourself as much as you could, so when the boys got in touch with you again you didn't hesitate to answer. Nothing bad would happen, you just need to pretend to be fine. The first to send you a message was Thomas, with simple questions, he acted like nothing had happened, you liked it. Even though it was obvious that Thomas, as one of his boys, would know this in more detail than you did (which was a lie, but at least he knew how Damiano was feeling about it, which you wouldn't know). He updated you about Dami, who was great as always, and you said you were doing well when he asked. You answering him made Ethan talk to you too, although they were all polite and delicate, they seemed more to be sorry than to miss you. Pity wasn’t something you were expecting.

After five months, you still felt like crap. You had tried to stop counting the days that had passed since you last saw Damiano, but it was almost impossible. You could still remember that night vividly, but you were still trying your best to move on; leave it behind. Mysteriously, you wanted to see him, see how he was doing and find out if he had anything else to say but you were afraid to see him, go back to your place as his best friend just to realize that your feelings for him had not abated at all.

“...I haven't seen you in a while. I wonder if you're alright,” you heard when answering your phone. Your head hurt, your eyes stung. You had slept on spreadsheets that you brought home from your work.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Shit,” she murmured.

You looked at the phone screen. “Sorry Vic, I just woke up I'm still trying to copy.” You laughed to calm her down.

“I thought I didn't have my number,” her voice became softer, as if she was relieved that you had saved it. “I didn't want to wake you up, I'm sorry about that. I just wanted to know how you‘re doing, since I used to see you almost every day, y’know?”

You thought about saying that you saved her number the day Dami called to pick him up at a bar since his phone battery was dead and he was in no condition to drive, but Victoria clearly knew that. “Is Dami with you?”

“No,” her tone matched yours; Dami had told her, now she was being careful with her words. “I saved your number the day Dami needed to call you, in case I needed to call you again.”

“That’s alright, thanks for checking on me then.”

“But he would love to talk to you. He always asks the boys about you or comments on you so that someone can bring you up to the convo. He seems a bit lost when you not ‘round to be honest.”

Somehow hearing that made you happy. Still, the image of discomfort whenever you thought of talking to him scared you. The phone line was filled with silence, until Victoria's husky voice filled the line.

“Anyway, I didn't call you to talk about Damiano. We finally finished the album and decided to have a small celebration at my house,” you giggle at the formality. “We thought you should go, since you were present in more than half of the process. I‘d like you to come. We’d all like you to come.”

———

Your heart accelerated with each step you took as you entered Victoria's house. The rooms had a glow of being calm and the music that was playing helped to make the place cozy. The instrumental of the band reminded you of Fleetwood Mac, and for the little that you knew Vic you would say that the type of sound reminded you of her.

Her house wasn’t crowded, there were only a few people around; some you’ve seen before, some you haven’t. You thundered your fingers over some vinyl that were arranged in a corner, pretending to read them. You were looking for familiar faces, honestly even for Damiano, but for some unknown reason you didn't want to make that obvious. Your eyes captured Thomas talking to some girls, and soon you felt relieved to be dressed according to the occasion; or at least according to the girls who were close to Thomas. It didn't take long until he noticed you standing there, you waved and he came to you. He looked surprised, still he didn't wait for you to say anything else, just wrapped you in his arms so tight you had to ask him to let go in between muffled laughter.

“Vic working miracles! Come, I'll take you to the others.” He said in his cute form, holding your hand as guiding you through the house. “So, how's our best girl?”

Your lips parted in a smile. “I’m alright, pretty much the same to be honest,” there was no time for him to ask another question because you soon spotted Ethan and Victoria with their beers in hands. They seemed to be shocked to see you as well; and it was starting to irritate you for reasons you couldn't explain. Thomas put you behind him, hiding you from the two of them as if they hadn't seen you already. He was being such a sweetheart that he had even managed to soften the anxious butterflies in your stomach; but not enough to keep your mind free of worries and Damiano David. Thomas made a funny noise with his hands as Ethan ignored his attempt to be amusing, pulling you into a hug. Who would have thought you would have missed them so much.

“How long without seeing you, I force you not to do that again. Without you we are just another disorganized mess.” You laughed at his nonsense. Your smile was sincere, like it hadn't been for months, still you were forcing yourself a bit more to appear to be actually 'fine'. You’d like to know if they noticed, even though you were appreciating that they didn’t.

“No worries, I‘m not planning on leaving you guys alone.”

Ethan and Thomas started to discuss about something, Ethan was already under the effect of alcohol, and from time to time they asked for your opinion on how Victoria had been strangely quiet. Atypical of her, but she didn't seem to be out of place or uncomfortable, just quiet.

“Did a cat eat the tongue of my newest attractive friend?”

“Not this time,” she showed you her tongue, and then smirked. Her eyes shone in differently way under your gaze and her make up was making her look more mature. “Are you feelin’ good? Thank you for coming.” Victoria was happy to see you, you could feel that. She might be curious, but pity wasn’t something possible to see in her; different from the other boys. “You must be tired of hearing that question, I'm sorry. It‘ll no longer be asked.”

Her voice was soft, comfortable to hear. “I appreciate that. I really have heard a lot of that, but despite everything, I feel good ‘bout bein’ here.”

“I feel even happier that you came then,” she put her hand gently on your waist. The other two didn't even remember you and Vic were there. “Let's get you something to drink, we bought that red drink Damiano always says you love.”

“No way, it’s bishop cocktail?” You looked at her, a big grin on your face, even though you remembered that this was the drink you were drinking when the universe decided it would be a good idea for you and Dami to have a one-night stand. Just a lovely reminder. “Have you mixed everything up? like the rum with the red wine? or with red drink you just want to say you bought wine?” You asked, ignoring your internal conflicts. Everything would be fine, you ket repeating to yourself.

“In fact, I remember once hearing you comment you didn't mind it being mixed up in a random bottle.”

She pulled a glass bottle out of a bucket full of ice and you couldn't believe she remembered that; given that you could count on your fingers the times that you had actually spoken to her. You didn’t avoid each other, just didn’t have much of the opportunities.

“Oh my god, that’s so fuckin’ lovely.” You whispered. She was quick to pick up a glass and hand it to you, filling it with the so well remembered liquid. You took a sip, and the taste - or alcohol - made your butterflies calmer. “Thanks for that, tastes like heaven.” She took a glass for herself, by her expression she thought it was a waste of rum. “C’mon, it’s not that bad.”

“If you think so, who am I to deny.”

“Don’t be a bummer,” you bumped your shoulder with hers, eliciting a cute sound from her that made you laugh as well.

You wish that sensation had lasted longer, even so when a random girl approached you to ask something, you felt heavy; like a sign. Her hair was golden in perfect waves and her face was angelic in an almost divine way. You might have been overreacting, but she was the type to catch all the attention to herself.

“You’re Y/N, right? I was startin’ to think that I’d never get to know you.” She hugged you tight and you wondered if she really didn't know you. When she released you, you felt your heart breaking right there in front of her. She was wearing Dami's sweater; the same one from that night, the same one that you wore. You wanted to be wrong, but you’d know that sweater from a distance even after years. “He talks so much about you. Can you believe we never met?” She asked, alternating her gaze between you and Victoria. She had been silent, you had forgotten that she was still there. Your head was miles away in thoughts, making you dizzy.

“Hi, Bella,” Victoria said. You remembered that name. Damiano talked about her on a few occasions, anyways he didn't seem to be in love - or you just didn’t want to see that. Maybe you haven’t been able to read him due to your stupid passion. “How’s everything?”

She started talking to Victoria and you couldn't concentrate on listening; all the alcohol in the world would not ease what you were feeling. How long have they been together? What was so special about her that Damiano gives her his favorite sweater? Were they together when you slept together? How did she end up with the same sweater you slept in that day?

She held the cup that was in your hands and handed it to Victoria. “Are you okay, hon’? You look a lil’ unwell. Do you want me to get you some water?”

“No need, I’m alright,” she patted your arm, and then checked your temperature. She was being nice, yet you couldn't pretend to be interested in being there anymore.

Thankfully, Victoria put an arm around your shoulders, asking if you want to join her to have a smoke. “It’ll be good, fresh air will do good to you.”

You agreed. Bella was worried and you felt bad about having to run away from her. She looked like an incredible person, sure Damiano was lucky to have her, that was just too much for you.

“Do this, you will feel better. We can talk later and so you can tell me everything about you and Dami, I’d love to hear you, since you’ve known each other for so long.” You looked for some irony in her voice, but you didn't found it. She was interested in you; after all, you were her boyfriend's best friend. It made sense.

Victoria guided you to the balcony, or at least halfway to it. Midway, someone stopped to talk to her, she tried to dismiss the person, however, as it was a thing related to the album, she would have no way out. “Victoria, it’s fine, I need some time alone.” You whispered to her, patting on her arm. She looked at you reluctantly, but understand. There wouldn't be much she could do for you.

Entering the balcony you felt an absurd urge to cry, your eyes itched and your legs were trembling. Was being in love meant to hurt this much, or was it just a game of chance?

You tried to take a deep breath, ease your heartbeats, telling yourself it was okay. You just needed to calm down. You leaned your body against the wall and watched the place. The plants near the fence - which you didn't know how Victoria had time to take care of them - the streets, and then the sky. Starry and moist, made for good memories that wouldn't come to you. When you felt ready enough to go out and face the party again, you ran into the one you were trying to avoid, Dami. Minutes ago you were anxious with the possibility to see him to know how he was, now you just wanted to run away and wipe these last months out of your mind.

“Y/N,” his body collided with yours while his arms wrapped around you, it was supposed to be a good thing, that you‘d feel safe as the same way you used to feel, except that was uncomfortable now. You couldn't even respond to his hug, for a second you thought you would escape without having to see him. He noticed and gave you space. “I swore that you wouldn't come. My god, it's so good to see you.” He ran his hands through his hair and you remained paralyzed in front of him.

You tried to focus on your breathing so that your voice came out without too many complications. “Yeah... It's good to see you, you look great.” It didn't work, your voice was shaky making your lie sound even worse. He looks great, you didn't lie, he seemed even happier and well rested. You wondered if it was because the album was ready or because now he had Bella.

You forced a smile, but unlike the others, Damiano knew you were acting. He didn’t judge or question, his face became tense, apprehensive. He knew that nothing was right.

“I thought about callin’ you more, goin’ to see you or something. The boys convinced me that it‘d be better not, that it could be even hard for you. I wonder if I shouldn't have done something different to help you because I know I fucked up too.” His hands were undecided between running through his hair and staying inside his pockets. He was nervous, at the same relieved to have spoken to you.

“It wasn't your fault, I’d never blame you for that,” you sighed, smiling slightly. It felt terrible to make him feel that way about it, but there wasn't much you could do. “I'm glad you gave me space when I asked, it's still hard to see you or think about talkin’ to you. It is as if everything that is tormenting me comes all at once.” It was good to say that to him. He nodded and you looked at each other for a while. It wasn't as uncomfortable as you thought it would be.

He was a few feet away from you while you were admiring the night, with your back against the wall. You wanted to leave, maybe go cry in your bed until you fell asleep, still you wanted things to work out with Dami, you wanted that tension and fear of seeing him to get out of your head. Despite that, if it was necessary to suffer in that process, it would not be worth it.

“She’s amazing,” it hurt to say that, but it was the truth. “Bella’s amazing, lucky girl.” You smiled sadly. Saying her name and seeing Dami smiling at that made you thank God for not seeing the two of them together, hugging or kissing. He‘d probably put his hand on her waist while she was talking to one of his friends or giving lightly kisses to her temple, just because he felt like it. Damiano was the cute type, you've seen it before.

“She is, an amazing person. She was all happy to have spoken to you. I told her all about our teenage years and how you always supported the band,” He had told her about you, would he have told her about you being in love with him? You thought to ask, soon giving up. It’d be shameful if so. “If I knew you would be here I’d not have come with her.” It made you think that he had told her.

“What would you do? Would you hide me from her for the rest of your life?” You sighed. it was supposed to sound like a joke, regrettably your voice sounded too cruel for that.

“It’s not like that,” he mumbled. “I was just tryin’ to think of you and—“

“I think I need to go Dami, it’s being too much. I’m sorry.” You needed to get out of there, you couldn't stop the tears anymore and you knew it was a bad idea to talk about her with him.

You took a few steps back just for Damiano to grab at your arm, without putting strength, just like a few months ago, to stop you in front of him. You turned your face away from looking at his eyes, feeling as the tears run down your cheek. You'd never be able to face him, this situation was only proving that to you even more.

“Please, Y/N. Just tell me what I need to do. I will do anything for you to talk to me again. I need you, you know that. The past few weeks have been a mess without you around. Even little my mom misses you. I’d do anything to have you back like before.” He was about to cry, his eyes shone with tears and it was painful to watch. He could do anything for you to stay; except what would make you stay. Unfortunately, it didn't depend only on his good will.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do this,” you said in a lack of air, signaling the space around you with your finger. “But this, this is too much. It kills me to have to be close to you or to be close to things or people that remind me of you, seeing someone else with you doesn't help at all. I still think about the fact that we slept together... I can’t just forget it ‘cause it meant so much to me and to you, to you? it was nothing.” You were out of breath, you just wanted to cry in peace, put everything out until there was nothing left.

He released his hands of you, his face red and damp. It wasn't going to be easy for either of you. Time wouldn't matter; it wouldn’t change a thing because whenever you looked at him you’d wonder about how things could have been like if he had chosen you.

He whispered one more time that he was sorry, then let you go. He could have stopped you, but it's not like he knew what to do anymore.

He watched as you walk out without even looking back.

——-

You went through the party walking fast, avoiding acquaintances and questions about why you were like that. Your body was heavy as well as your conscience. Outside the house the street was empty, the streetlights illuminated the sidewalk and along with the silence of the street you felt invited to sit there. You brought your knees close to your body, trying to breathe calmly. Pulling the air in, and then releasing it in a normal way. Your heart was beating so fast that your whole body was agitated. You tried to stay still. You squeezed your eyes shut, feeling a little dizzy when you saw someone walk out the front door of the house. You dropped your knees, trying to look decent, but gave up as soon as the person came closer to you and you saw that it was Victoria. She sat next to you, pulling you into a hug. You were happy that she went to you.

“I’m fine,” you murmured, hugging her waist and hiding your face in the fabric of her shirt.

“Stop saying that you’re fine when you’re far from being fine, I won’t judge you sweetheart,” she comforted you, giving you a extra squeezing. You were far from being alright, but it helped, having someone there helped.

She placed her chin on top of your head, soothing you until your crying softened. She rubbed your back and whispered that it’d be okay.

“Did Damiano send you here?”

“No, darlin’. He said that you had talked, and then you had to leave, he didn't look well, I thought you wouldn't be either.”

“And then you decided to look out for me?” You laughed, still tucked in her warm arms.

“Yep, sounds like you need me, don’t you think?” She laughed too, causing the vibration of her chest next to yours make you feel taken in.

“Why’s love so painful?”

Victoria didn't answer, she was thoughtful for a few minutes, and then she stood up, holding out her hand for you.

“What?”

“I won’t be taking no as an answer, you’ll get in the car with me and we will do something, anything, drink milk shakes, fill up our bellies with pizza ‘til we can't take it anymore, or even rob a bank.” She held you by the waist, lifting you up for her. “Please,”

You didn't see why not to accept. There was nothing worse that could get even worse at the moment, maybe going somewhere would do you good. “Even rob a bank?” She nodded, pointing to where her car was.

A smile spreading across her lovely face as you realized you’d go anywhere she wanted with her. “Yes, even robbing a bank.”

#damiano david #damiano david x reader #måneskin #victoria de angelis #victoria de angelis x reader #damiano david fanfiction #damiano imagine #damiano angst #maneskin #fanfic #fiction #imagines #maneskin x reader #writing

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plural-culture-is · 3 years ago

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Some time ago, something happened in class that really just messed with me and it was as if sirens went off in my head. Some reminder of possible trauma I suppose (maybe it could just be cptsd?). Regardless, I also have bad derealisation and depersonalisation and so I don't know if its just that or if it was possibly a part/fragment (?) fronting (we're a questioning system btw). In that moment, it felt as if I was pushed back and something/someone else took over the situation for me, not completely, but there was definitely another "thing", well almost. Idk if this could point in the direction of plurality. The 'thing' wasn't completely a separate identity from me and it didn't have complete control, i can't quite pinpoint what exactly "i" or rather,"they" did. My memory of it is quite vague and distanced though I do remember most of the key things that "i" did?

Looking back, I think this is something that actually has happened on more occasions but bc I already have bad dp and dr, and those specific times felt like an even heavier form of both, I just called it dpdr²

I apologise for the horrible structure of the ask and for being so disorganised in my thought process, I'm just not sure how to approach any of this at all. Also bc a part of me just wants to suppress all of these 'stupid' ideas that could never apply to me, while another is just eager to possibly finally find out what's wrong with me

hm, it does sound like it could be a headmate (probably a protector) taking over during those times! And I believe it's pretty common to not not, or find it difficult to tell, who's doing what when you're co-fronting.

you possibly felt like they were not completely seperate from you just because you're fronting together and sometimes the front can be blendy, but also you're possibly a median system, or have OSDD-1a, or OSDD-1b if you have no gaps in your memory (because while OSDD-1b mostly means distinct alters and less amnesia, it sometimes means less distinct alters and less amnesia), or you could be monoconscious. And if you wanna know what that is, have a look through our monoconscious tag.

so yeah, it's possible that you're plural, but as always, just keep doing your research!

#not plural culture #am i plural #monoconscious #anonymous

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the-narwhals-awaken · 2 years ago

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In response to chdarling's writer's ask game: all forty because i did a stupid.

I use different fonts for different projects. I never use Arial or Times New Roman, those are strictly for school work, but I prefer monospace fonts or others that are pretty clear and easy to read. Script fonts are OK for personal rambles and such, but I actually reread what I write a lot and I don't want to ruin my eyes any more.

I don't think so. I can type fairly fast, and my biggest issue with handwriting is it goes so much slower than my brain. I mean, typing does so as well, but it feels like less strain and I can get more done in a set amount of time.

So this isn't as much, but I used to have this shawl that I would put on and tie the ends behind my back. It would force me into good posture because that was the only way I could reach the keyboard from where it was set on my desk. Significantly less back pain. Now, when I'm approaching the end of my writing goal for the day, I often tuck one leg up on my yoga ball. Or try for both.

I like words that have length to them. For a while it was 'rutabega'. Still is, sometimes. But words themselves hit less hard than they've used to.

I never leave at the end of a scene. There's always something for the next scene, because if I leave it at a stopping point then it might just stop there. It has, on a couple occasions.

That I'll never be able to finish anything big. I have the wreckages of unfinished ideas that I never managed to get done enough to post littering my drive and while I want to do a cleanup before college it's one of many tasks.

Being able to construct magnificent worlds out of nothing but stardust and ashes. I love seeing what I've done and looking at the quantity or a cool scene.

Probably action. I can be talky, but I've done therapy stories before and a dialogue-only one-shot, so it's easier to talk around the action than leave out the communication.

Not really? It's a fun concept but I have different beliefs about the afterlife. There's definitely an afterlife ish, but not ghosts.

Things haunt me before I write them out enough to sate them. For me, that means the characters and ideas spin in my brain, and while a haunting can be triggered by something somebody else wrote, it's usually just my stories in a new framework. After I write them out, they usually leave me alone.

I don't kill my darlings. My favorite characters will survive everything I throw at them and have a happy ending because that's the story I need. I will cut out swathes of what I wrote or leave behind what's not good anymore, but the characters will survive.

A better organizational strategy for my worldbuilding that I don't have to organize myself, a way to trigger inspiration for a specific project at will, and the ability to recover any document.

I like writing fantasy and a world at peace. I'm really bad at writing action. Peace is just easier to dream about for me, and I don't always know how to tell a tale of physical struggle without making it unrealistic.

I don't really lend books. I return them well, though I might need prompting, but I would rather encourage library lending and patronage since that's where I get most of mine. If I don't have it back now, it's not coming back, but I do remember where they went.

No, because most are library and my handwriting's a mess. I dogear only when I don't have bookmarks, so I try to carry some around- it's a pain when I run into something that somebody else dogeared and I can't find my spot, so bookmarks are usually easier.

The weirdest thing I've ever used as a bookmark was probably a hot pack. It wasn't hot at the time.

I have so much information about how the yokai bloodlines got started, you wouldn't believe it, and almost none of it gets told because a) the POV characters don't know and b) the POV characters don't like talking about their ancestor's sex lives.

n/a not at this late at night sorry y'all's.

19. I started telling stories in my head while I was young. I wrote them down occasionally, then lost them. I started reading on Ao3 in 2019, and soon after started writing. I posted a few things and ended up joining a community that aided my writing. Haven't written much recently because of a musical I was in and finals and graduation, but hopefully that's changing soon!

20. The latter. I don't trust witches' ideas of love and also I'm still figuring out if I'm aro or not. The latter is much easier to verify and has less possibilty to horribly traumatize me if it goes wrong.

21. No. I could quit posting, but at this point it's the easiest way to clear up my head and I enjoy doing it.

22. I use various google docs with mostly informative labels and groups to keep projects separate. Little's on paper, unfortunately.

23. My desk is an old card table, skinny and long, folding legs and dark blue material, sagging in the middle. I sit on a bright blue yoga ball. I have a silver desk lamp that bends in the middle and whose cord plugs in almost directly behind the yoga ball.

24. Usually a month or so of prep, worldbuilding and timeline organizing and figuring out what the beats are that I want to hit. Writing is easier if I have already answered a bunch of my own questions.

25. The first seal they placed on themselves was actually one to shift their hair color completely independent of their own natural abilities, it ended up throwing off suspicion of said abilities but was mostly to look cool during a test.

26. I start asking questions of what they'd be doing and stating things I know- sound sensitivity paired with exceptional hearing, kind hearted but also a little shit and distrusted by most around them, quiet and kind and absolutely ruthless in the way only a gardener can be, etc. I don't regret going there unless it gets really sad or dark.

27. Roy Mustang. He's the kind of guy that's planning for literally everything but playing it off as being an idiot and it's hard to write either of those, let alone from the inside and adding in new things.

28. Naruto, age six. He's still pretty sweet, and he hasn't lost all faith in kindness. Also, he's really blunt in that little kid way and has barely any fear. Makes me laugh when I need it.

29. I draw inspiration from stories and analysis I read. If it runs out either I beat it out if I have a time limit or I leave and go do something else. I've written 200,000 words in daily chunks while doing nonograms on my phone.

30. I don't remember my dreams.

31. Y'all's are the sweetest people I know and you make my day better every time I remember you're there. My life would be worse without you and I'm so thankful that you exist.

32. I'm not sure it's a line, it's the concept that nobody is ever too broken to find a family and do better in life if truly they want to.

33. I knit, crochet, and cross-stitch. It stays mostly separate from writing except when I make fandom items.

34. Necessary but shouldn't have such a fuss made about it. It feels right and that's 80% of my grammar checking.

35. To shorten sentences. I write long sentences- broken into pieces as they may be, they technically don't break rules- and they flow better in chunks, broken apart by such short pauses, and yet one continuous whole- though it can be said that tangents are made- that it feels wrong to break them apart.

36. I know a family that is whole but separate. I know fun and distance. I know instruments and how it feels to be superficially accepted and have the only contacts in your phone be family.

37. I was a very, very weird scatterbrained scholar.

38. I bang things out chronologically and rarely edit unless it's been at least two weeks since writing.

39. External time limits or promises. NaNoWriMo was and remains excellent motivation to at least do so much a day, and if I'm writing for another it at least sticks in my head more.

40. Though many a shifting voice I bear/My voice/Your voice/What's truly there? / Though hundreds of faces I have born/My face/Your face/I shall not be torn / For though out of the storms I have arisen/And through deepest waves I continue/And past the bright fires I run/I leap/I whirl/I live / I run through the forests alone with my kin/Abandoned by those who cannot see within/And know in my heart, hidden now by the fur/That only those that can see me/Can truly, deeply see me/That see past the me can be welcomed to home. Kitsune, by nar.

This whole shebang was because Ao3 was down and I ended up watching a FNAF video and needed some other thing in my head before I fell asleep. Enjoy!

#writing challenge #ask game #asked and answered #word of advice:#don't watch fnaf videos before going to bed #even if you don't actually watch them and there isn't that much gore #not worth it

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bleepblopbloop56 · 4 years ago

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100 things to do under the stars

(Analogical, no warnings)

1: stargaze

Virgil dragged Logan out from the warmth of the truck and into crisp fall air. They were in the middle of nowhere, it was nearly midnight, and the clouds were practically nonexistent. There wasn't a light for miles, aside from the still dimming headlights of Virgil's pickup truck. They had to be in someone's backyard or private property, but with a field so vast and expansive who would know to say anything.

“Virgil-” Logan started before swiftly getting shushed by Virgil. He jerked open the door to the backseat, pulling out piles of blankets and pillows.

“Lo, i'm gonna need you to ignore how sketchy this looks and help me pad the bed of the truck, there's a meteor shower tonight and i want you to see it.” Virgil tossed him some handfuls of quilts and stuffed animals. It seemed as if he found every even remotely soft thing in his apartment and shoved it in the car. They passed the truck bed and Virgil hoisted him into the makeshift bed, before bracing the side of the truck and hoping for himself.

They stayed silent as they got comfortable, that was Logan's favorite part about their friendship, they could just exist around each other without any pressure to perform social cues like small talk.. They could just be. Logan reached down and intertwined their hands, making virgil's heart skip a beat.

“Thank you,” he mumbled, shifting closer to his friend “I needed this” Virgil swallowed roughly, laying his head closer to Logan’s as they watched the stars

7: contemplate existence + 11: drink coffee

“Do you think there's something else out there?” Virgil asked after a long stretch of comfortable silence. This time, they sat on the roof of the truck, coffee in hand and feet dangling off the edge of the truck.

“Be more specific.” Logan took a sip of his coffee, bringing it to his mouth with both hands. It provided a nice warmth against the chill of the night, something his black wool coat was vaguely failing to provide.

“Life.. do you think we're alone here?” Logan wanted to say no with a definite certainty that Virgil was looking for, but that would be irresponsible to answer with a certainty he didn't have.

“Arthur Clarke once said ‘Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.’” he settled on instead. Virgil grimaced and pulled his legs up to sit cross-legged and turned his body to face Logan. He tried to make eye contact with him, but Logan continued to look up into the abyss.

“That's not what I asked,” he said “I wanna know what you think.” Logan took another slow sip of his coffee to stall. Eventually, he brought it away from his mouth and turned to face Virgil

“I dont know..” he admitted “it seems.. impossible that there's an infinite universe beyond our capability of comprehension that is simply empty. I don't believe there will ever be certainty on our end, so,” he put the coffee down and laid down, putting his eyes back on the stars “i'd rather not worry about it.”

32: question your own mortality *

“What do you suppose the point of it all is Virgil?” he had become rather acquainted with the empty field he and Virgil spent nearly every clear night in. They hadn't even got out of the car this time before Logan started their nightly talks.

“I thought it scared you to talk about things like that.” Virgil jokes to mask that he didn't have an answer. He jerked open the door but didn't get out.

“Do… Do you ever question why we're here?” Logan knew the answer to that, and Virgil constantly thought about his life and his purposeless existence. Virgil took pity on him when he noticed his big brown eyes sparkling in the light the car turned on. So mundane, and yet Virgil had seemed to romanticize the smallest things around Logan.

“Get out, I wanna show you something,” Logan followed wordlessly. “I think..” Virgil continued, once they were out of the truck and on top of it “that it's different for everyone. For me, I just want to spend my short existence here experiencing life for what it is. Good and the bad, mostly good.” Virgil smiled softly as he laid down on the roof “ look at that… all the stars feel so close i could touch and yet impossibly far away. I can't see a horizon from here, it feels like I'm in the middle of all of them, here with you.”

Logan laid on his side beside him, still not fully getting it. “You think you were put into existence to look at stars?”

Virgil hoisted himself up on his elbows, craning his head back to continue looking at the abyss. “I think that's what i'm choosing to do with my existence, what are you choosing to do with yours?” Logan stayed quiet for a long time, just looking at Virgil and thinking before he jutted his head forward and kissed him. Virgil pulled back, heart beating a million miles a minute.

“Logan?” he whispered.

“If we get to choose what we do with our lives then i wanna spend mine like this, with you, and i've wasted too much time thinking.” he almost had tears in his eyes as he leaned forward again, letting Virgil close the gap this time.

* (+ 53: have your first kiss)

65: and your second

72: and third

83: and many many more

99: propose

They continued going to their favorite spot for years, when they got older they bought the plot of land that they called theres and built a tiny cabin on the edge of the field. And one night, after 5 years of dating, virgil pulled logan into the middle of the field, walking this time. Fireflies and the moon are their only real source of light so far out in the field.

Logan giggled as he attempted to keep balance while Virgil swung him around

“What's got you in such a good mood?” Logan laughed, getting pulled into a nervous kiss by his boyfriend

“Virgil!” he smiled a little wider, “what's the occasion?”

“Look up, and name all the constellations you can see,” Virgil asked quietly, hands fisted in his jacket pockets. Logan looked suspicious before doing as he was told, listing all he could remember the name of. Just as he was getting to the end of his list, Virgil cut him off.

“Hey Logan?” When he looked back, Virgil was kneeling on the ground with a small navy blue box in his hands. “Can I ask you something?”

Logan did not consider himself overly emotional, he nearly prided himself on it, and yet he couldn't seem to stop the hitch in his breath and rush of tears to his eyes. He wordlessly nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

Virgil opened the box and revealed a ring with a simple diamond in the middle of a black band with stars engraved into the side. He stayed silent as the tears started cascading down his face. “Do you remember when you said you wanted to spend your life with me under the stars?” Logan had to pull his hands to his mouth to contain the sob of happiness he couldn't. Virgil was also crying, a wide nervous grin on his face “will you make that official with me?”

“Yes!” Logan choked out, nodding profusely and collapsing into Virgil's arms when he stood up to hug him. He pulled back and kissed him, he kissed him for the millionth time with all the passion and love of the first. He pressed his forehead into Virgils, having to bend a little to accommodate for the height difference.

“I love you” he mumbled, tears starting to end their freefall, even if only for a minute. “So so much”

100: get married.

Roman bustled around their small cabin with the kind of nervousness more reserved for the grooms than the best man. He had been preparing this day- well, night- for months and had been more of a bridezilla than either of the actual men getting married. Guests were starting to arrive just after the sun went down and the stars were starting to peek through the darkness. Fairy lights shone just enough to allow the guests to find their seats without hassle, but not too much as to outshine the stars.

“Are you sure everythings ready?” Roman asked Logan once again, meeting a hard eye roll with an exacerbated grin.

“Yes Roman, I'm positive.” He couldn't help the feeling of joy riding in his throat when he checked his watch. He was getting married… to the most beautiful man on earth, under the stars, in his own backyard with all his friends… holy shit

“Logan!” Patton called from the doorway, excited to be helping even if he'd been there since noon “its time! Come on “

Virgil was…. He couldn't think of the right word.. Gorgeous, ethereal, amazing, perfect, genius, beautiful, unreal, indescribable… Logan felt in his heart as he was walked down the aisle by the designated group dad friend. He wore a velvet deep purple suit with black trims and converse sneakers, hair freshly dyed from a week before, and on top of his head sat a small crown with diamond stars. As much as he despised wedding traditions, this was his “something borrowed” generously lended by Roman to tie in the night theme. The wedding was small, neither of their families even invited to attend, and their friend group tiny but close knit. Patton bounced down the aisle with Virgil's arm intertwined in his, Logan didn't think the concept of “handing off the “bride ``'' was appropriate here, but neither of them could deny Patton's puppy dog eyes.

The rest of the night went off without a hitch, dancing, kissing, crying, a small potluck with a modest red velvet wedding cake, and in the center of it all was stars. The decorations, the rings, the vows and the night sky, all of it was perfect. When all the guests left, and Virgil and Logan were finally alone, Logan pulled out a wedding present he had gotten for virgil.

“What's this?” he asked, still riding the high of “Holy shit i'm really married”

“Open it.” virgil undid the navy wrapping paper, and opened the box. Inside, there was a book titled “100 things to do under the stars, by Logan Cade”

Virgils heart jumped when he realised logan had used his new last name.

#thomas sanders #sander sides #bleepblop writes #analogical #logan sanders #sanders sides #virgil sanders

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euphoriyoongi · 3 years ago

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🎨Chapter Seven

Summary:

When you move to Korea for an art program at University, your world completely goes crazy as you meet your new shy roommate, Kim Taehyung, and an irresistible idol singer, Jeon Jungkook.

🎨Pairings: Kim Taehyung x artist! OC (original character) x Jeon Jungkook

🎨Word count: 5.3k

🎨Warnings: none

prev. // next.

m.list

Listen to this while you read!

***********************************************************************

Taehyung tried to focus as the professor told the class what to do next for their project, but he couldn't seem to grasp it.

He sat staring into space, wondering about the same girl that's been running a marathon through his mind. Why did she have to be with someone else? And why did that someone have to be jungkook?

Why did this bother him? She shouldn't mean anything to him. He hardly knows her.

Even though they've only just met not too long ago, he couldn't help but care for her. It's been nearly a month now since Daphne came to Korea, and also how long he's been fake-dating her for the sake of jungkook. Jungkook, who isn't even dating her. I guess he wasn't completely upset, since he gets to spend time with the girl he dreams about. They have a scheduled date later today.

"Taehyung...did you hear that?" The professor muttered, standing next to him. He was showing Tae what to do with his piece, but Tae heard none of it.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling too good." Taehyung apologized. He wasn't lying, his stomach was upset.

The professor's lips curled up in a smile as he looked from Taehyung to his painting.

It was a large scale painting of Daphne, who looked as if she was about to cry, staring at something that wasn't depicted. It was absolutely stunning, and well, the professor felt his emotion from the looks of it. "It looks amazing, Taehyung. I could really feel how much you love this girl."

Tae sighed a bit, looking at the painting. He noticed where his brush strokes went awry and where a slightly messed up with the color of the skin tone. There was a messy blotch on the corner of the canvas, and he also hated the idea that he might truly feel for this girl. "Thank you." Is all he said, and as the professor walked away, Tae put his paintbrush down.

At this moment, he wished that he didn't feel the emotions he put into his artwork.

Daphne sat alone in the dorm room, studying Korean. She just finished her session with Namjoon, and was really starting to get better with speaking the language. Her and Taehyung now converse about art and their favorite things.

But why did she feel something towards him? Was it because they had to act?

She remembered that she had a date with him today. They were supposed to go to the amusement park to see if anyone would recognize them. It has been a while, but Jungkook's fans are crazy and still believe she's with him. Well, they aren't wrong. Maybe she should break it off.

She didn't know what to do. She truly enjoyed Jungkook's company too. Even though Taehyung was okay with all of this, she still felt bad for bringing him into it.

Taehyung seemed to enjoy time with her, though. When she'd smile at him, he'd smile back. When she laughed, he laughed with her. He made her think about what love truly is..what the heart wants rather than the brain.

Maybe she should change up their date tonight. Maybe he deserved some attention just for him. He always talked about going to see the Van Gogh exhibit. When was that again?

As she looked it up online, much to her surprise, it was tonight. She hardly will have any time to get ready. Deciding to call him about it, Daphne prepared what she was going to say. They were able to have some sort of conversation now, and when Daphne couldn't speak Korean, Tae would speak English.

"Hi, Daph." Tae said, sounding like he was smiling. "What's up?"

"I um..it's about our date tonight." She spoke out in Korean. "What time are you free?"

The sound of rustling came about over the phone. "I'm actually free right now, I'm on my way up the elevator of the dorm." He said, parts in English and parts in Korean. She was able to understand, and smiled when he said he was near.

"Ah! Good! As soon as you get here get ready!" She squealed, a bit excited now.

He chuckled at her excitement. "Okay, I'll be right there. Make sure you're dressed this time."

She wasn't able to decipher that statement, but laughed it off. "Okay, see you soon."

As she hung up the phone, she hurriedly ran to her makeup that was sitting on top of her desk. She wanted to look pretty, and didn't really know why. Was it that she felt a bit icky with having a few blemishes? Or was it because she wanted to look good for Taehyung?

Maybe both. But has she ever cared this much when she's with Jungkook? Did she even bag an eyelash if he saw her without makeup? He still thought she was sexy enough to make out with her at any given moment. But why was she wishing that she'd make out with Tae..just once.

As she thought about this, Jungkook thought about the last time he saw Daphne.

It was nearly a week ago. She was on top of him in his bed, clothes off and all sweaty. Her kisses tasted like strawberries and sweat, and he couldn't help but think about how beautiful she looked. Even if it was effortless.

He sat in his home, on the corner of his bed. His eyes wandered around his room where he noticed little pieces of her still astray. Maybe it was the strap if her bra that laid on the floor that he broke off of her. Or the half-full tube of lipgloss that she forgot to take with her.

Maybe it was the shirt that he was wearing. The one he gave to her to walk around in. What was this feeling? He didn't know.

It couldn't be love. Could someone call for another after only a month? Yes. One hundred percent. But was it practical in this situation? No. Jungkook knew he couldn't let himself get fully involved. He had a career to fulfill. And he'd hate to make her suffer through the hatred of his fans.

At this point, was this worth it?

He made himself think that it was. He didn't want to lose daphne, whether it be a physical relationship or not. He did care for her, and definitely wanted her all to himself.

Taehyung made his way up the hallway to their shared room. Even though it's been a month, he still can't get past the fact that his roommate is the literal definition of beauty. He wished that this fake relationship of theirs has one ounce of sincerity. Well, from her. He knew how he felt. But he had no idea about her specific feelings.

As he turned the door handle to walk into the room, he had a sudden thought.

Tonight, on their date, he was going to make it seem real. He hoped that she might catch on, but probably not. She was infatuated with jungkook, and well, who could blame her.

As he opened the door, in his line of vision popped daphne, who stood with a smile on her beautiful face and was dressed in a cute sweater and jeans. "Tae!" She squealed, smiling wide. "Are you ready for our date?"

Scratching his head in confusion, Tae took a step into the room and shut the door behind him. Weren't they just going to an amusement park? What was so special? "Uh..yeah. I'm always happy to go on dates with you, Daphy." He smiled as well, still a bit confused.

As he said this, it nearly made her blush. He had no idea how she was starting to feel for him, but neither did she. Daphne hid her face in her hands for a moment as Tae walked over to his side of the room. His hands seemed to be covered in paint as well as a streak of it on his face that he didn't seem to notice.

Tae turned around to face Daphne. "So, what should I wear?" He asked her, sporting a boyish smile. The paint streak was right next to his lip on his cheek, and it moved as he spoke. It bothered Daphne, and she felt like she needed to wipe it off.

"Wait." She hummed, walking over to him. As she began to get closer and closer, Tae took a step back. She came up too close that what he was used to, and as he was about to ask her what she was doing, her fingers began to softly rub the corner of his lip.

"What are you—." Tae questioned as he stared at the beautiful girl in front of him. He was a bit taller than her, and she had to reach up to reach his lips. He looked down to her, a confused look on his face as her eyes softened. The feeling of her touch sent a shiver down his spine, and especially since she was touching his lips. He wished that she would just touch her lips to his. If she kept her hands on his lips for a second longer, he might have grabbed her and thrown her against the wall and—

"There you go, it's all off." She looked up into his eyes, almost seductively. When he tilted his head in confusion, she explained. "Oh! You had a bit of paint on the corner of your lip." She said, shyly tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear. Did she purposely look sexy while doing that? Was she trying to make him cave?

Taehyung decided to ignore it. Smiling, he thanked her for it. "So, what should I wear?"

Looking at his outfit now, he looked perfect for the occasion. But since this meant so much to him, she thought that maybe she should tell him to dress as nice as he wants. "I think you should wear your favorite outfit." Her lips curled, and her eyes squinted as she chuckled. "Although you look good in anything."

She said that last thing in English, wondering if Tae was able to understand it. He didn't seem to react to it, and nodded to look through his wardrobe. As he decided to pick out what he was wearing, she stood back and admired him. His shoulders weren't too broad, and he was a bit lanky, but damn, was he gorgeous. His brown hair was fluffy today, and it fell past his eyes. She really knew how stunning he was, and often wondered why he hasn't had a girlfriend by now. He did tell her that he's never had anyone for himself. She was the same way. Well, before jungkook. But she still knew the feeling. He wasn't really hers. If they had to act like they weren't together, then they weren't.

As he picked out a sweater from his closet, he began to slide off the shirt he was wearing now, his bare back facing her now. "Tae!" She squeaked, covering her eyes but still having them a bit spread so she could peak.

"What?" He asked, turning towards her. He was absolutely stunning, indeed. His chest was nicely defined, but not too much. He didn't have a complete set of abs, which Daphne preferred anyway. He was a work of art. From the looks of his face to the shape of his body, he could be a sculpture in a museum. No one would look away. "It's not like I haven't seen you. It's only fair, right?" He raised his eyebrows, almost as if he was teasing her.

Daphne slowly took her hands away from her face. He had a point, but he did see more of her..he wasn't about to show her more of him.

He slid on an oversized soft-green sweater and kept his corduroy pants that he had on already. "How do I look?@ he asked in English, a big boxy smile on his face.

Daphne checked the time before she looked at him. They needed to go. Right away. But not before she glanced at him, knowing that he looked handsome.

As if looks could kill, he looked amazing. "You look..." she carried on, unsure of what words she wanted to say. Did she want him to know that she found him sexy? Or did she want this to stay PG? She was meeting jungkook tonight as well. Oh, the heck with it. "You look sexy." She said in English, but the word was nearly the same in Korean. He understood it immediately and a hot blush ran through his cheeks. Trying to ignore the fact that he was blushing, he cleared his throat and decided to change the subject.

"So are you ready?" He asked, hands in his pockets as he swayed a bit nervously. This wasn't their first "date", but every time they go out together it makes him want it to be real. Oh, he wished his feelings weren't real.

"Yes, I can't wait to get there." She smiled at him, and took his hand. "Let's go."

When she grabbed his hand, he felt his heart start to speed up. Damn, why does his body always act up when she's around.

— —

It's been a month since she came to Korea. But it also was a month since she contacted her family.

She did leave on a bad note. Her parents were extremely worried if she even got there alright. But still, they were very upset with the way she got up and left without discussing. Then again, it wasn't their choice in where she went.

Still, though, she should call her parents. She knows this. On their way to the exhibit, she noticed a girl with her parents. The girl couldn't of been any older than fifteen, and her parents had the biggest smiles on their faces as their daughter sat next to them. She remembered how ungrateful she had been at that age. But the girl here looked like she was having the time of her life.

Taehyung sat next to Daphne on the bus. He had noticed her fingers tighten on her pant leg, and a far off look in her eyes. "Daph?" His voice rang deep, causing Daphne to look straight at him. "Are you alright?"

Was she alright? She wasn't sure. So many thoughts were running through her brain right now. What she should be thinking of is this date night. She needed to look like she was happy for this all to still work. She was happy, but something about leaving abruptly started to bother her. Smiling, she nodded. "Yes, I'm okay, Tae." She said to him, which he replied with a small smile.

His hand ached to reach out to where hers was. It was still clenched tightly to her pants, and her knuckles began to soften in color. His hand hesitated above his thigh, desperately ready to touch her. To soothe her. Every muscle in his body was on full alert. Her shoulder was pressed up against him, her thigh as well. He couldn't help but get overwhelmed in her scent of vanilla and mint, and just wanted to feel her skin on his.

Daphne saw Tae's hand hover over his leg. Did he want to hold her hand? She figured that's what he wanted to do, maybe to look like an actual couple and not so awkward. So she softly let go of her grip on her own leg, and reached over to grab his hand, interlacing fingers. Setting their hands down in her lap, she quickly glanced at Tae, a shy look on her face. He looked flustered, and a bit on edge. His brown eyes were looking anywhere but her, and his leg began to voice in anxiousness.

"Maybe I should be asking you if you're okay.." she trailed off, reaching her hand up to tuck a stray hair that laid in the middle of his forehead.

A few people had noticed who they are by now. They definitely looked like a couple, and even some people who had no idea who they were began to smile at them. Ah, young and in love.

Tae let out a small chuckle, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. He was a bit nervous for some reason. Maybe it was because the amusement park was a few bus stops back, and that he wasn't sure where they were going. Or maybe it was the fact that she wasn't following a plan, and was actually doing something for themselves. "Everything's fine, Daphy." He said her nickname that he gave her. He had told her that he calls her that because it reminds him of an American TV show, and he was right with that. The looney tunes were one of her favorites as a child, and it made her realize how much thought Taehyung puts into her.

Did he care for her? Or was this all just an act? But why in the world would he want to act if he had nothing to gain from it?

Daphne almost forgot to pay attention to the stop for the exhibit since she was so caught up with looking at Taehyung. He was breathtaking. Was he always this handsome? Did he always bite the inside of his cheek like that? Did he always make funny faces at things he didn't like?

"This is our stop." She interrupted her own thoughts to say this. Still holding his hand, she stood up and tugged at him. He stood up with her, and let her drag him off the bus to the sidewalk, where a large sign stood about the Van Gogh exhibit. Damn, was that tonight? He really wanted to go to that. But he really didn't feel like going alone. Oh well, he'd prefer to spend his time with Daphne, anyway.

As they walked down the street, Tae couldn't forget that he was holding her hand. He suddenly began to worry if his hand was sweaty or hot, and if she didn't want to hold it still. He was the one who wouldn't let go. But as he tried to tug his hand away, she grasped on tight so he couldn't let go. His eyebrows raised in confusion, but she didn't say anything. They continued to walk down the sidewalk, both of them confused on where they're going.

Daphne memorized the address, and told herself that she might be able to figure it out with signs. Too bad she couldn't read Korean yet, but luckily a sign a few feet away was in English. It read "Van Gogh exhibit here!" In big letters, and she tugged at his hand towards the entrance of the building, hoping Tae didn't get a chance to read the words. Lucky for her, he didn't.

As they entered the building, it was a bit dark. There was a man standing at a table, and Daphne figured it was for the tickets. Online it said that she was able to go without them and to get them here, and she hoped that it wasn't sold out. There was lots of people all around, and she thinks Taehyung might have caught in to where they were.

"Do you need a ticket?" The young man said, his smile wide. He was decently handsome, and definitely seemed to be drawn in by Daphne. "You are very beautiful, has anyone ever told you that?"

Taehyungs grip on her hand tightened, and he stepped closer to her for defense. He knew she was able to handle things herself, but that man must know that she's in a relationship...sort of.

"I'm sorry, I don't speak Korean that well." She stated to him, and the guy looked a bit taken back. "I just need two tickets, please."

Nodding, the man reached to grab two tickets for them. At this point, Tae was too distracted to realize where he was at, and didn't realize it until they walked further into the building and into a stand alone room. The room was dark, but bright colors of Van Gogh's Starry Night cascaded the walls in soft reflections of light. A projector was held above their heads and every inch of the walls were covered in color. Dark blue hues fell over Taehyung as he stepped around the room, letting go of Daphne's hand to walk over to the wall.

He was in awe. How in the world did she know this? How did she know that he wanted to go? Maybe she did, too. Still, at this moment as he just stared at her, a dumbfounded look on his face as shades of yellow hit her features. She was the only art in this room right now. Regardless that Van Gogh dawned the walls of the poorly lit room, she stood there taking in all of the color, and somehow, the brightest color of the painting found her. Almost as if it was shining down on her beauty. She was the reason he was here. She was also the reason why he can't stop smiling.

"Is something wrong?" She asked him, looking from side to side. He was just staring at her now, looking like a lost puppy. He did look happy, but she wasn't sure if this is what he wanted. He did talk about it all the time though. If she didn't take him here, would he have went without her though?

Was there something wrong? No. Definitely not. Maybe? But there was something wrong with how Tae felt in this moment. He wanted to walk over to her and kiss her. He wanted to cradle her face and say thank you for thinking of him. He just wanted her to feel the same way about him and to be honest, this situation made it worse. He had no idea why she took him here when they were supposed to go to an amusement park. What was the purpose of taking him here? Why did she even care? Was it because they were friends?

He still was happy though. She thought about him. She seemed to care how he felt, too. So why was he more upset than excited?

He figured why. But how could he stay upset at the sight of her. She looked worried, maybe it wasn't the reaction she expected. She went out of her way to make him happy today.

So he smiled at her. "Nothings wrong." He said, lying. But she didn't need to know that. She didn't need to know that he had real feelings for her. That she holds a special place in his heart. Every little thing she did would send his heart spiraling, whether it be a frown when she stares at something she dislikes, or how when she walks, her feet drag a tiny bit on the ground. Things that he finds attractive about her shouldn't be. She's a walking museum, and with every look, there's always something new to see.

"Thank you." He said, walked over to her. Taking her hand, he kissed the back of it, noticing a few caddy girls in the corner of the room who were staring. Guessing that he didn't look happy, he turned it around with a smile at the girl of his dreams.

Daphne knew something was wrong. Definitely wrong. He didn't seem as excited as she imagined him to be. She didn't mean to feel upset about it, since he did smile and say thank you, but something definitely felt off.

Taehyung tried to get Daphne to know that he was grateful. He must've looked a bit off. "I'm sorry, Daphy. I really love this. Thank you." He then took the hand that he kissed and held it.

They walked around the building, quietly. Tae did say a few oohs and ah's, but not nearly as much as she imagined. She now realized that she may have made a mistake. Was he uncomfortable? Did she make him uncomfortable?

As they neared the end of the exhibit, Daphne's phone buzzed. Reaching to her back pocket with her free hand, she opened the message that read some explicit words.

Taehyung saw. He saw also saw the previous photo on the texts that showed Jungkook's chest, and immediately looked away after he read the words that he had sent. Well, there goes his night.

Letting go of her hand, she looked at him in confusion. "Oh, I just thought it would be easier to text him back with two hands.." he lied, rubbing a hand against the back of his neck sheepishly. He was disgusted. Upset that he pictured kissing this girl. This girl that has someone else to kiss. And that someone wasn't him, and that's what bothered him.

Daphne had a hard time understanding what he had said, but managed to gather it. She was sure that he saw the words. Well, at least the photo. She forgot that Jungkook had sent it, and impulsively opened the chat. Why would Tae be upset though? Did he possibly have feelings for her?

"I guess I'll get going." He stuttered out, looking anywhere but her eyes. "I have to go watch Sian for Jin." A lie. A complete lie. But he just wanted to get away from all this embarrassment. No matter how he felt for this girl, he knew it would never work. Plus, she lives in a whole mother country. Of course that country is one of the farthest ones from here, too.

"Oh?" Her eyebrows furrowed. "So soon? We're not even through the whole exhibit yet?" It was basically over anyway. She just didn't want him to leave. She was enjoying time with him. Was it because he read her text?

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'll see you tonight, though." He pushed out a smile, very forced. Giving her a little wave, he turned around to find the exit.

As she stared at his back as he walked away, her heart dropped. Why am I feeling like this? She thought to herself. She had no idea why the fact that he left bothered her. Was it because she was slowly falling for him? She didn't know she was. But the feeling like her heart dropped a thousand floors was enough for her to know that she felt some way for him, whether it be platonic or romantic.

She really didn't want to go home alone.

— —

"He saw what?!" Yuri cried, putting a hand to her forehead. "So you're telling me that Taehyung saw that? Who sent you those things?"

Daphne and Yuri sat in the outside commons of the university, chatting about how awful her date night went yesterday. She still hasn't seen Tae, and thought that maybe he stayed over Joon's last night.

She also didn't tell Yuri that she was "seeing" her brother, but she thinks now is the best time to bring it up. "Well..you remember how I got into that fiasco with your brother a month back?" She shyly said, looking down at her feet.

Yuri took a bite out of her seaweed wrap. "Oh yeah, how could I forget that. Jungkook couldn't stop talking about you."

You put down the sandwich you had in your hands. "He talked about me?" Why would he do that? They aren't together? Who talks about your sex partner?

The way Yuri looked at Daphne was like she already knew. A half smile on her face and her eyebrows raised, she took another bite. "Uh..duh." She winked at Daphne, and reached to take a sip of her drink.

"You know?!" Daphne said in shock, and Yuri smiled deviously. "How'd you know?"

"Oh I knew since the beginning. Jungkook also didn't do well with hiding it?" She said, a little chuckle escaping her lips. "So you guys are like..friends with benefits?" She sipped through her straw.

Daphne didn't know how to react. Yuri obviously didn't look upset, but she was confused as to why she wasn't. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Yuri." She said, her eyes apologetic. "And yeah, just friends with benefits."

Yuri smirked. "I see." She set down her drink and tucked her hair behind her ear. "I guess since we uncovered one of your secrets, I might as well tell you one of mine."

What could it be? Daphne chuckled and picked up her sandwich again. "What's your secret?"

Yuri took one last bite of her seaweed wrap, and once she was done chewing, she opened her mouth to tell her. "I'm seeing someone, too." She smiled, looking around if anyone was listening. "You know Namjoon, right? His roommate." She raised her eyebrows.

Daphne gasped. Jimin?? The boy who was known to be a man whore? Did Yuri know? "You know he's a bit of a—"

"A slut? Hell yeah." She nodded in agreement. "We're also friends with benefits. So we both can keep each other's secret." Yuri winked, and began to pick up her garbage. "I gotta get going. I have class in five."

"Alright." Daphne said, still in shock. They didn't seem like they suited each other. Nevertheless, it wasn't like Jungkook and her suited each other either. Who was she to judge.

They parted their ways, and as Daphne turned around, she bumped into someone.

"Oh I'm sorry I—"

It was Tae. He looked a bit disheveled and worn out. Daphne didn't even realize that he had been sitting in the table behind her the whole time. He had heard everything. He heard that she was in a sexual relationship with jungkook, and it had proved his point. But now that he knew for sure, he was completely upset about it all. But what bothered him more was that he had no reason to be upset. She wasn't his.

"Tae? Are you alright?"

No he wasn't. He also got a call last night about his mother. She was sick again, and back in the hospital. He loved his whole life trying to keep his family together and to pay for all the expenses. But now, how was he supposed to afford school with his mothers hospital bills.

He has never told anyone about his family problems other than Jin. He said a bit to Joon, but never enough for him to know the full story. But he was really upset now, and Daphne's worried look made him want to cave in. Just as she asked him if he was alright, he nearly let a tear fall. But he didn't. Still, this time when she asked him if he was alright, he didn't lie.

"No..no I'm not." He sighed, and crossed the little distance they had between each other.

He grabbed her tightly for a hug, and wrapped his arms around her torso. He held on tightly, gripping at the fabric of her long sleeve tee. It was soft, and slightly stretchy. She smelled like vanilla again, with a hint of a flower smell this time. She was so ethereal to him, and even though he now knows for sure what kind of relationship she's in, it didn't matter right now. All he wanted to do was tell her how he felt. To tell her that he was struggling. He had no idea how he was going to tell her or even if he was, but he couldn't let go of her once she began to hug him back. She comforted him, even if she had no idea what's going on. She was a great friend to him. And he should be grateful for that. At least she was in his life. Even if it wasn't exactly what he wanted.

*********************************************************

prev. // next.

m.list

#bts #bangtan sonyeondan #jeon jungkook #kim taehyung #park jimin #jungkook #bts hoseok #bts joonie #jung hoseok #bts fanfic

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babineni · 5 years ago

Text

The Path Not Traveled (part 2 of 2)

Sooo... ages ago I started writing my own take on Edér’s personal quest in Deadfire and I finally managed to kick my own butt to finish it. Here’s roughly 3800 words of... whatever this is.

Part 1 here:

Gaura took a deep breath as she left the Temple of Gaun, trying to clear the oppressive smell of mold and incense filling the sanctum. Just as she was about to take another, her nostrils were struck by a sweet and earthy scent she knew well. Edér exhaled a puff of smoke when he felt her gaze on him and winked at her, trying convey some semblence of confidence. But Gaura still saw that he bit on the stem of his pipe slightly harder than he usually did.

'So... To the Gullet, then?' The Watcher let out a tired sigh. 'Wonderful.'

'At least this time we won't have to scour the place for decades old clues,' Edér tried to cheer themselves up. 'Though, at this point... wouldn't even be surprised, if we did.'

'This does feel a bit familiar,' Gaura added. If she had to be honest with herself, this was an understatement. The longer the search went on the stronger she felt it: that Edér once again gambled his peace and happiness on something that he would ultimately fail to reach. 'I just hope... Can you promise me something, Edér?'

'What?'

'If this reunion doesn't go the way you'd like... Can you promise me that you'd still come away with some measure of peace?' The Watcher gave the farmer an apoligetic look for her request.

He let smoke escape his mouth slowly, frowning, carefully processing his friend's words.

'Dunno. I'd just prefer if we left with what we came here for.'

'And what would that be?' Gaura crossed her arms.

'I told you...'

'I know what you told me. But you've gotta be more specific than that.'

Edér glared at the Watcher for a moment. Then he emptied his half-smoked pipe, cursing under his breath, and put it away.

'Y'know how I been rebuilding Dyrford for these few years? Was trying to make it a normal village. I wanted it to be the kinda place that really felt like the home we had before the war. In a way, I was... turning it into something like Gilded Vale used to be,' he rubbed a sore spot on the back of his neck. 'But it didn't feel the same.'

'I can think of a few reasons why you might've felt that way.'

'Yeah,' Edér chuckled somewhat bitterly, 'I do make it sound like I was turning Dyrford into something it wasn't but... that's not what really happened. And that's not what kept gnawing at me,' he averted his gaze from the Watcher almost as if he was ashamed. She waited for him to continue but the words did not come.

'It was you,' she guessed. 'You realized that... even if you managed to bring your old life back somehow,' Gaura cossed her arms and sighed sympathetically, 'you no longer would've had a place in it.'

'Dunno 'bout that,' he replied, 'haven't really felt I had a place anywhere for 15 years or so. I got used to it.' The veteran stayed quiet for a few moments. Gaura couldn't tell if he was pondering her words to find some new revelation about himself or if he was wondering if she spoke out of experience. 'But... I dunno maybe you're right.'

'And how does Elafa come into the picture?'

'She's...' Edér stopped himself to choose the words that followed cautiosly. 'She's pretty much the only person from Gilded Vale who knew me before the war and didn't see me anything other than who I was when I came back. If... If I'm gonna have a family one day... If I'm to give them a life free from the hate and violence that drove her away in the first place... Then I need her,' he let his head hang for a moment before he looked Gaura in the eye, his eyes full of clarity and sincerity. 'Because I can barely remember what that life was like.'

The Watcher's heart sunk and yet those words still left her with discomfort. 'So you want to move forward by going backwards and you just hope Elafa would remember your past for you?!'

'It's hardly fair, I know...'

'And it's really unhealthy.'

'I know, but I can't help it,' he stepped closer to her as he pleaded, 'and I'll try my hardest to make her happy in turn, I swe-'

Gaura raised a hand to silence him. 'It's not me you need to convince. I promised I would help.'

Edér let out a sigh of relief.

'But you gotta fill me in on what exactly went down between the two of you.'

'Yeah... Sure,' the farmer nodded somewhat awkwardly. Gaura gestured towards the stairway running beside the Temple of Gaun and leading to the bridge to the Gullet.

When the Defiant arrived at Neketaka, Edér asked the Watcher to go with him alone. Elafa was a suspicious sort, he said, and as strange as it felt to travel without her companions, Gaura was now grateful to be left alone to process Edér's recollections. He told her of all the times he asked Elafa to be more than just friends sharing a bed on occasion, and of all the times she said no. He told her of the day his parents left the Dyrwood and how he found himself back with his old Eothasian flock - or better to say what was left of it. He told her of the days leading up to the Purges in Gilded Vale. He told her of the Reaping, his reunion with Elafa, her Hollowborn son. He told her of the offer he made once again, and how Elafa said no. He told her of Elafa's escape. He told her of the offer he made for the last time and how, for the last time, she said no.

'I'm really sorry, Edér, for both of you,' Gaura knew how great an effort it was for her friend to open up to her like this, and she knew such a flimsy show of sympathy was probably an inadequate response.

Edér didn't seem to think the same. 'Don't be,' he said with a rueful smile. 'Should've told you about this a long time ago, I reckon. I just... Never been good at this sorta thing.'

'It's fine, I get it,' the Watcher swallowed thinking of all things she kept from Edér. All the fears she couldn't afford to show, the wear and tear she had to hide, the uncertainty that once defined her every waking moment but for the first time she wasn't sure how to adapt to it. She didn't know how long she stayed quiet as they walked beside one another, crossing the bridge that seemed endless.

'Promise me something, Edér,' Gaura broke the silence eventually. 'Promise me... that you stop looking to others to grant you peace. There are... things to which the world doesn't have an answer, but you still might find it within you. Promise me you'll start looking for those answers within.'

The Watcher looked to her friend, whose poorly concealed and uncharacteristic anxiety was now replaced with open worry.

'You don't think you can convince her, do you?'

'Even if I can, do you think things with her will turn out the way you want them to? That you can go back to the days before the war?'

Edér didn't respond. He looked at the bridge ahead and Gaura glimpsed a look on his face that she only ever saw once: five years before on the fields of ClÎaban Rilag, when she failed to give him the answers he desperately needed.

'I'm really sorry,' she apologized once more. She wasn't sure if she did it for the past or the present.

'Yeah, so am I,' he took out his pipe but this time his movements reflected resignation rather than just nerves. 'I know you mean well, and twenty years ago I would've been real grateful for the advice... Hel, I'm kinda grateful for it now... It's just that...'

'I know. It hurts like Hel. But with Eothas out there, doing who knows what... It's probably not the best idea to make anyone an anchor,' the Watcher scratched her chest right above her chimes.

Edér chuckled. 'Yeah, I definitely needed to hear that twenty years ago.'

'Ugh, twenty years ago... I didn't even have my horns yet,' the Watcher remembered. 'I was just a squishy ball of flame.'

'You still are.'

Gaura elbowed him in the side, prompting him to laugh. She couldn't help but laugh with him. None of them said anything for a moment but they both knew they needed that laugh. Then the moment passed.

'Can't promise anything,' Edér said. 'I was told I shouldn't make anchors.'

'Wow. I guess, I should be glad you listened.'

The sun was already setting by the time they reached the Gullet. Gaura wasn't surprised to see all the Dawnstars walking around aimlessly. The Rauataians either stayed at Hasongo or left for the Brass Citadel. The Children of the Dawnstars, however, only had the Temple of Gaun to themselves, and when that filled up, there was only one option left.

'Let's start with The Hole,' the Watcher suggested, 'if she isn't there, we'll check the Sanctuary. If she isn't there, we'll start asking around.'

Edér, however, wasn't listening. His gaze was fixed on a lanky boy with brown hair and freckles so prominent that Gaura could see them even from a distance. The farmer swallowed hard, then approached him. The Watcher had to skip to keep up with his long and determined strides.

'Hey, kid,' he called out. When the boy met Edér's gaze, he stopped in his tracks and whatever confidence he had disappeared in a second.

'Fine day to you,' the boy spoke cautiously. He took a double take at the flames framing Gaura's head then forced his gaze back to Edér. ' Is... there something I can help you with?'

'I'm looking for someone. Uh... She's my age, about this tall, always wears her hair in braids, she's got freckles just like yours...' Edér's words replaced the look of caution with a look suspicion on the boy's face, but he didn't seem to notice. 'Her name is Elafa. Elafa Maesy.'

'What do you want with her?'

'Nothing bad, I'm an old friend of hers,' Edér slightly lifted his empty palms.

'I know all of mother's friends and you don't look like any of them,' the boy crossed his arms.

'Oh...' the veteran froze for a fraction of a moment. 'You really are her son... Just as I thought,' the boy raised an eyebrow at Edér, prompting him to continue. 'I've known her before you were born. Has she never mentioned me? Edér? Teylegc? From Gilded Vale?'

The boy's eyes widened slightly and stepped forward, interested. 'She mentioned Gilded Vale before, but only like it was a slip of the tongue. I could never get her to talk about it.'

'Yeah... she didn't exactly leave under pleasant circumstances.'

The boy frowned. 'And how do I know she wasn't running from you?'

'Well, you don't,' Edér scratched the back of his head. 'Huh, you've got her spirit.'

The boy's frown deepened.

'You just need to trust us,' Gaura said. 'And we're a trustworthy bunch, just ask anyone here.'

The boy cocked his head at the Watcher and watched her silently for a short while. Then he gasped as if a realization dawned on him.

'You're the Captain of that Dyrwoodan ship! The Defiant, was it? Everyone is talking about you here.'

'We might've helped out a bit,' Gaura gave him a knowing smile.

'I... suppose... you're not here to start trouble then, the boy turned back to Edér. 'We're renting a room in The Hole. Mother is probably there, she doesn't like being out in such a crowd.'

'But the Gullet is always crowded,' the Watcher added.

'Exactly,' the boy smiled at her, satisfied with his display of wit.

'Just one more thing: what's your name, kid?' Edér asked.

'Bearn.'

'How old are you, Bearn?'

'I'm turning 17 soon, why?'

Edér's expression darkened as he made his calculations.

'Then... you're too young... Never mind, thanks for your help,' he rushed past the boy, leaving him dumbfounded.

'Uh, I gotta catch up to him,' Gaura gestured towards her companion. 'We'll be docked at Queen's Berth for the next couple of days, if you wanna chat. Bye.' She quickly said her goodbyes and gently pushed her way through the crowd slowly forming around her.

Edér was already talking to the innkeeper by the time the Watcher reached him. He took a deep breath and reached for his pipe, but just as he was about to light it, he stopped. He stared at nothing in particular, then he put away the pipe and looked at Gaura.

'You might get yelled at, so... Sorry about that in advance.'

'I'm used to it, but thanks,' the Watcher replied with a reassuring smile. Edér made his best effort at returning it then he stood up to guide her to Elafa's room. 'Ready?' Gaura asked as they stood facing the plain wooden door.

'Not really,' he said as he knocked.

There was no reply.

'Elafa?' Edér called out. 'It's me, Edér. Remember me?'

Still, there was no reply, but Gaura glimpsed a shadow moving under the door. She turned to Edér who gave her a nod - he noticed it too.

'I know, it's been a while but uh... Got some business here in the Deadfire and I thought I'd come and see you. Been to Hasongo too. I uh... I'm really sorry for what happened there.'

The door still didn't open but Elafa was standing right behind it, Gaura was sure of it.

'Maybe she can see us, too,' she whispered to Edér.

'Oh, right,' he aswered before he turned his attention back to the door. 'I'm here with a friend. Best one I made in years. No need to worry about her, she can be trusted.'

For a moment there was silence and then...

'You still believe in friendship? After everything that's happened?'

Edér was left speechless for a moment. The Watcher saw about a dozen different emotions flashing across his face, finally setting on a mixture of relief and tenderness.

'I missed your voice.'

Elafa hesitated with her answer.

'You didn't answer my question.'

'Sorry, I got a bit... Yeah, I learned to believe in it again.'

The door finally opened. However as soon as Elafa's gaze fell on the Watcher's face, she pulled out a pistol and pointed it right at her head.

'Charmed, I’m sure,' Gaura let out an exasperated sigh.

'Elafa, there's no need-'

'You're "making friends" with Magranites now?!' Elafa's voice rang with fury and old heartbreak.

'I'm not a-'

'What's that supposed to mean?' Edér asked before Gaura could protest.

'You know godsdamned well! But I never thought you would bed someone who would hunt us,' Elafa's gun wavered in front of Gaura's face. She shot a confused look at Edér who replied with an equally confused shrug.

'I think you got the wrong idea about us,' the Watcher said. 'And especially about me.'

'Is that so?' Elafa laughed bitterly. 'Then just who are you supposed to be?'

'Gaura, Captain of the Defiant, the Watcher of Caed Nua, the Herald of Berath and a friend of Edér's.'

Elafa's expression slowly softened. She turned to Edér for a moment who nodded in agreement with the Watcher. She lowered the pistol as she turned her gaze back to Gaura.

'Then... You're the one who ended the Legacy.'

'That's me. Edér helped too. A lot.'

'I was target practice for her enemies,' he joked. But Elafa didn't laugh.

'If you'd done it sooner, I'd have two sons now instead of one.'

Gaura looked away for a moment, trying to hide her guilt. This was not the first time she had to face the sorrow of a mother whose child has been taken by the Legacy, only to see their neighbors' restored. It hasn't gotten easier.

'I'm sorry I couldn't help your child. But I can help you and your other son now.'

'We're hunting Eothas now,' Edér explained. 'Whatever he's up to, we'll make sure he doesn't get to hurt you or Bearn. You have my word.'

'As well as mine.'

Elafa looked to Edér and scoffed. 'Again you're fighting our god. You really haven't changed.'

'You got tougher, though. Looks good on you,' the comment has earned him a faint smile.

'And you still make clumsy moves, I see.'

Gaura watched silently as the tension between her friend and his old flame started to relieve. She was just about to offer to leave them alone when Elafa invited them both into her room. There was barely enough space in there for two beds and a table with some stools.

'So what brings you to the sunniest spot in Neketaka?' Elafa made a poor effort at humor as they got seated.

'You, pretty much,' the Watcher answered.

Elafa blinked at her in disbelief. 'You really came down here, just to meet up? How did you even know I was here?'

'That's... a long story,' Edér added. 'But it's true. Just wanted to catch up, is all.'

Elafa stared at the farmer's hand for a few moments. Edér rubbed an old scar there when he felt her gaze on the back of his hand.

'I remember the last time we just had some catching up to do,' she said.

'Yeah, me too.'

'Didn't even matter, in the end. The babe died on the way to New Heomar. He was... too frail to handle the journey.'

Edér shifted his weight uncomfortably, and Gaura caught a glimpse of sorrow in his eyes.

'Really sorry to hear that,' he said.

Silence spread in the room, and grew more and more suffocating with each second passed. The relief the Watcher sensed earlier was gone and she again found herself wanting to leave.

'Did you ever regret it?' Edér eventually asked the question that hung heavily in the air. 'That you didn't let me come along?'

Elafa just watched him for a while, trying to figure out how to respond.

'There was one night. When the mobs took my husband. I thought back how you fought those guards to help me and my son escape. I thought... maybe you could've saved him too.'

Edér quietly acknowledged the answer and reached for his pipe. 'You mind?' he asked. Elafa shook her head. The veteran lit the pipe and took a long draw from it. The way he exhaled the smoke almost seemed like a sigh.

'So you got married.'

'Had a son, was widowed, sailed out to start over,' Elafa chuckled ruefully. 'I'm getting real good at that last bit.'

Edér kept nodding to himself. Gaura elbowed him in the side and gave him a pointed look. When he didn't seem to catch her meaning she spoke up.

'We could help you with that actually. Well... Edér could. I currently live on a sloop.'

Elafa raised an eyebrow at the Watcher. 'How so?'

'I left Gilded Vale too,' Edér finally found his voice. 'Settled down in Dyrford instead and became the mayor. We... still got a few empty plots of land. Free for anyone willing to take care of them.'

'And you think I'd want to take on that offer, huh?' Elafa said bitterly. 'Y'know when we left New Heomar, we could've gone anywhere in the world. We could've stayed in the Dyrwood, we could've stayed in the Eastern Reach. But we came here instead.'

'Guess, that's a no.'

'That, it is.'

Gaura sighed and leaned forward on her stool. 'Elafa, you left before Eothas came to Hasongo, so you probably don't know the state the outpost is in. It's... not good. Even if it was possible to rebuild everything as it was, would it not be wiser to consider your options?'

'I have considered them: I get to choose between uncertainty in a safe community or comfort surrounded by people ready to backstab me at any moment...'

'I would never let that happen, Elafa,' Edér's tone was tense but sincere.

'I know,' she smiled at him, 'but I can neither ignore nor forget what happened in the last twenty years. I'd rather face hardship here than what I've left behind.'

'So you're just gonna run?'

'And you're just gonna hold on to something that is long gone. Why do you think I refused to let you come along?' Elafa looked Edér in the eye and sighed, bracing herself. 'Edér, no matter how sweet you were... Nothing could've worked between us. Not after the war. I was willing to adapt but you... you tried so hard not to let the war change you. It was endearing but... That was it. I couldn't be like you and I couldn't take this away from you.'

'Why, that is good to know,' Edér said with gritted teeth after a few moments that felt like an eternity. 'And it would've been good to know twenty years ago too,' he stood up. 'Y'know there was a lot I was willing to do for you... There still is... '

'I can tell,' Elafa seemed strangely heartbroken as she spoke, 'which is why I think you should go.'

'Agreed.'

'But I...' Gaura wanted to protest but neither Edér nor Elafa seemed interested in what she had to say. She sighed as she stood up as well. 'You see, Caed Nua may be gone, but know that you have a place by my hearth wherever that may be. Edér's friends are my friends.'

'I can see why he likes you,' Elafa glanced at Edér leaving the room. 'Take care of him, will you.'

'Yeah and you take care too,' the Watcher flashed a quick and apologetic smile at her before she left as well.

Gaura hurried after the farmer down the hallway. She caught up to him at the base level of The Hole. He didn't seem particularly angry or sad. Just tired. 'Sorry about how things went down back there,' she approached him. 'I should've done more...'

'Hey, cut it out,' he gave her a faint half-smile. 'You've done more than enough. Guess, you were right about... Well... Everything.'

Gaura wasn't sure what else she could've said. So she embraced him without another word. Edér hugged her back, hesitantly at first, then so tightly it nearly hurt.

'Edér, you're squeezing the soul outta me.'

'Sorry about that. Lemme buy you a pint as a proper apology,' he inclined his head towards the bar.

'A pint of the swill from here? You're trying to kill me?'

The veteran managed to laugh at that. It was a half-hearted laugh at best, but it was something. Gaura could work with that. Whatever small measure of peace she could help him achieve was worth the effort.

#pillars of eternity #watcher wednesday #edér teylecg #gaura sélfolgh #oc fic: gaura #this is really all over the place but it's also the longest piece of fic I wrote in a long time #so idk #sorta proud sorta not #poe fic #Wrytinge™

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