#I cry they’re perfect but also deeply flawed

[brenhotapplepies]

The abuse she suffered for YEARS at the hands and voice of that evil man, being thoroughly and systematically treated like a second choice after Bren, on TOP of everything else? She’s allowed some difficulty in overcoming that.

Beau (stealthily) witnessed her breaking down and sobbing in an alley after speaking with Caleb, after she helped him. She has feelings and is human.

I know some folks think they set the Nein up at the sanatorium, and I don’t think that’s the case due to several narrative and gameplay factors. The crying above is one, and the sheer lack of stealthiness the Nein had at the place is another. They alerted Trent themselves by being oh so Nein. Not Astrid. She gave them maps and specifically warned them that it was pretty much all she could do and it was up to them to get amulets. Caleb had a breakdown and started killing LOUDLY. Everyone else was loud, it was a beautiful Mighty Nein mess.

She let the Nein go in Yussa’s tower when she could have easily gotten the spell off to capture them, giving them time.

The seeds of her shift are subtle, but present. She is damaged in ways Essek just isn’t. Essek has control over his situation and she thoroughly does not, until the very end.

Again, they are subtle. She can’t be overt, not with Trent watching her every single move. He watches her through birds for gods sake. I can’t fathom the level of sheer will to keep going under such intense scrutiny. So she, as she said herself, must help in less visible ways. She can’t be overt. Trent’s taught them better than that.

The fight itself. She openly reveals her location in the fight. This is something she knows how to not do. They are assassins, trained to be unseen. It was a warning.

When Jester tries to Dominate her into helping them, it’s revealed she’s already against Trent. Astrid was always going to help Bren. Wulf, however, wasn’t sure until the end, because he’s into self preservation.

The reaction after they subdue Trent is a big insight into their character, where Caleb and Wulf go to them as they are breaking down. They are a mess. An angry, mixed up little ball of murderous rage at a man who took everything from her and gave nothing truly meaningful in return except more lies and the myth of power. But they STILL listen to Caleb and don’t kill Trent. That’s change right there.

On top of all of this, Essek was narratively more accessible. He was important to the active storylines in ways Astrid couldn’t have been, so we got to see more of him. He wasn’t used to friends, so he was adorably awkward about it.

Astrid had friends, family, and was coerced and manipulated into giving it up for some higher cause. She’s has had poison fed directly into her mind and body for a decade and a half via Trent. If she hadn’t remained distant, still playing her part, then they may not have been able to get the amulets, stay unseen, know about the Lavish Chateau, etc.

I’ve been here long enough and seen plenty of straight up misogyny in the fandom to feel comfortable calling it out. The amount of fujoshi within the pure Shadowgast shipping community is, well, large. Many very strictly ship Caleb and Essek, and thus any perceived threat to that is abhorrent.

Folks will actively ignore the actual themes and characterizations that are so wondrous, that the cast works so hard to perfect, just to make sure their ship is not touched.

Astrid and Jester both suffer from this issue, in fact, any female character does. I don’t see the same issues with, say, Widomauk shippers. Many folks are fine to ship him with both, despite the lack of any true momentum with the first purple man to grace Caleb’s presence. While Molly is gender fluid, he presents mostly male, and that matters in this context. That also was not confirmed until more recently. I say this as a masc presenting nonbinary myself who is deeply sad of what we missed with Molly.

I just really love both Essek and Astrid as characters, because they’re brilliantly flawed and compelling. I love analyzing the Nein and enjoying the story the cast has decided to tell, both the surface and the deeper facets. It’s rarely just the face value of things.

Seen some stuff about Astrid being problematic in the same breath as praising Essek. I know media literacy is tough, but let’s examine.

How is Astrid problematic and Essek isn’t? They both are manipulative when it’s called for. Both are capable of lying, killing, and other untold horrors. Both are incredibly powerful.

One has had a lonely by choice and privileged life as the weird but useful son of the head of a Den.

One has had their identity stripped from them in a way that combines the worst of cults and the military. Tortured, experimented on, changed in ways we don’t even know the extent of.

One has had the pressure of his Den, his mother, his father, his brother, his whole community pressing on him his whole life. He stepped up into the air and took the weight as if it was effortless. He focused his life on study because it was the only thing that gave him worth in this society and it was genuinely what he enjoyed, whatever enjoyment was for him then. He had access to materials, books, almost anything.

One has had the pressure of her community, her background, in her face as she tried to beat the odds. The expectations for her were nothing, but she said fuck that. She studied with nothing, clawed her way into the venerated halls of higher magic learning. She does everything for the Empire, for Trent. She wants success for herself, because that is what gets her approval, keeps her safe.

One is in a position of power in his society. He has the ability to pull strings. He doesn’t think about how his actions impact his community or really anything besides himself. Sure maybe he wants to find something to impair the religion in the region, but it feels like even that starts out as a quest to prove himself right. His life is largely his own, despite the derision of some.

One is continuously tortured, tested, forced to PROVE herself. Cut her hair, stomp out any resistance to her mentor through any means necessary. Find some solace in their two peers. Made to kill their family to prove themselves based on a lie. She is conditioned to fight because who else will protect her country in the dirty, dark ways she has to? She is trying to salvage her sacrifices into a purpose. Bren is one of those sacrifices.

One kills indiscriminately if they get in his way. The man the Nein dropped off at the peace talks? I still remember how sad it was as he tried to piece together his broken mind, a mind Essek broke to save himself.

One kills for their country. Follows orders, kills when they find it necessary to protect those who cannot protect themselves. This is what she believes.

One GAVE AWAY a powerful religious artifact to HIS PEOPLE’S ENEMY. The intent was purely selfish curiosity.

One helped protect and study that artifact to PROTECT her country. The intent is curiosity to assist in her job, protect her country.

One finds the strength to allow himself to be loved and have friends after years of solitude. Because he just never was so fully loved. He finds the strength to let the ultimate time travel power and the knowledge that he was right go. To become comfortable with time he has left.

One finds the strength to listen to one of the only real, genuine relationships she’s ever had. Her first love. A reminder of her younger, hopeful self. She changes. She realizes the lies she’s allowed herself to believe. She finds the strength to not kill her torturer just to kill him. She finds the strength to testify. To promise that no other kids will suffer. Justice. To become comfortable with the time she has left.

One is a he.

One is a she/they.

I wonder what the issue is.

These characters are two sides of the same coin. They are both INCREDIBLY WELL THOUGHT OUT characters. They are more than just paramours of Caleb Widogast.

[luvyanfei]

with a short & insecure s/o (hcs)

ft. xiao, kaeya, zhongli, & xingqiu requested by anon

this,,, this is me

xiao. 

he’s appalled when he finds out people actually tease you for your height. xiao has always known how terrible humans can be, but to think they would attempt to tear someone down, specifically his lover, just because they’re considered small irate him to no end. you might want to hold on to him tightly before he can storm off and declare war on the bullies who dared to torment you in any way. 

he honestly doesn’t care if you’re short or tall, ugly or pretty - your appearance isn’t what’s important here. he fell in love with you for what’s inside of you, don’t forget that, okay? xiao may not outright say all that because he’s embarrassed of showing his soft side to you, but if your insecurity gets the better of you, he’ll at least lend an ear to you as you rant to him while stargazing together. 

however, what xiao despises more than others treating you poorly is you belittling yourself. he has zero tolerance for that kind of attitude and will react quite aggressively, gripping you by the shoulders and shaking you. he can’t help himself. it hurts him deeply, dare he say more than a stab to his heart, seeing you wallowing in self-hatred. he’s harsh, but he means well. xiao would much rather see a content smile on your face than having you look disconsolate. 

“have you finally stopped your wailing yet?” xiao peers at your face drenched in tears in disinterest, but really, he’s pretty concerned on the inside. your sobs have been reduced to quiet sniffles, but your body won’t stop trembling. he looks away for a minute, sighs heavily, and pulls you into his arms, a blush coating his cheeks. 

he stays silent the whole time, too nervous to do anything really, as your palms press against his chest lightly and will yourself to calm down. xiao clears his throat and brings a finger down to brush away the glistening tears from your eyes. 

“look, just because you’re short, it doesn’t mean i don’t like you any less,” he whispers only for you to hear, and presses his lips to your forehead, letting it linger there for a few seconds. “even if you, or anybody else, don’t think you’re worthy enough, i at lease still care about you, so don’t let others’ opinions get to you.”

kaeya.

not to be blunt or anything, but kaeya being, well kaeya, he’s probably going to relentlessly tease you. he doesn’t do it because he harbors any ill-intent towards you. it’s just, kaeya is very fond of your flustered expression. if you happen to end up crying from his words, he’ll immediately stop and apologize guiltily. the last thing he needs is for you to abandon him too because of a fault on his end. 

kaeya really does love you a lot, despite your flaws and silently admires you for your empathy and altruism. one good thing about being shorter than your boyfriend is that you can wear his clothing on and he’ll be a gushing mess in no time. he’ll purposefully place his jacket somewhere for you to find in hopes you’ll put it on. he may be doing this just for the purpose of having fun, but he likes knowing that it means you're comfortable and accepting in your relationship with him. 

he likes patting you on the head when you pass by each other at random times, his lips curling in a knowing smirk. if you ever need help obtaining items that are out of your reach, kaeya will conveniently be there to lend a hand. it fuels his confidence how you always go to him for help instead of seeking support from someone who might be more reliable. it goes to show that your trust in him is deep. 

“having difficulties, [name]?” kaeya hollers to gain your attention as you look down from the ladder to glance at the knight, your hand outreached to grab at the material you need with failed attempts. “allow me to be of service~” 

he gestures for you to climb down and gets up the ladder himself, easily grasping the object in his fingers. once his feet has touched the ground, he lowers his hand to give it to you, but before your fingertips can make contact with it, he pulls it away from you. "ah ah ah~ shouldn’t i get some kind of a compensation for helping my dearest?” you stare at him in confusion before an idea plants itself in your head. ah. so that’s what he wants. with a roll of your eyes, you stride up the ladder till your eyes meet and kisses him on the lips. 

as you push your body away from him, he gives a closed-eye grin and nods in satisfaction. “that wasn’t too bad, now was it?” kaeya finally hands you the item, but he grips your free hand in his and guides it to press against his warm cheek. “you should realize by now what you’re capable of doing, stealing my heart like this. you’re so cruel [name], but perhaps that’s why i’ve grown to love you.” 

zhongli.

zhongli is an honest and good-natured man. he’ll immediately tell you that he doesn’t think to care about your height, so there’s no reason for you to worry about it either. he’s not an idiot though. he’s aware that your self-deprecating thoughts won’t disappear so easily with his consoling words alone. actions speak louder than words, after all. 

if anyone ends up insulting you for your size, zhongli won’t hesitate to politely stand up for you. although, if they stubbornly persist in demeaning you, it’ll push him to the brink of indignation, but he’ll still attempt to keep up a courteous manner for your sake as he calmly tells them to back off. like kaeya, he loves it when you wear his clothing! he’s lived for a long time to see many things, but witnessing you cuddling him while his jacket is draped snugly over your body has got to be the cutest thing he’s seen yet. 

ever the supportive individual, zhongli will help you come out of your shell and build up on your self-esteem. he’s there with you every step of the day, so if you ever slip and feel like you’re about to fall into an abyss of despair, he’ll take your out-stretched hands in his and guide you back into the light. 

“[name], is something the matter? you look as if you’re bothered by something.” zhongli questions innocently, studying your face carefully. your eyes droop slightly, but you reassure him that you were pondering how it would feel like if you were as tall as him. he nods in understanding and brings a hand up to his chin in thought. 

before you know it, he’s turned his back towards you and kneeled down. perplexed, you stare at him, unsure of what he’s doing. “you said you desired to know what it’s like to be around my height, so this is the only thing i can think of.” hesitantly, you place your hands on his shoulder blades to balance yourself and he makes sure to hold onto you tightly as he stands up slowly. you smile in appreciation at zhongli’s consideration over your feelings and presses your body closer to his. 

he beams back at you, sealing a kiss to your lips. “if you ever feel down, remember that there’s at least one person in the world that loves you - one of them being me, of course.” 

xingqiu.

he also reacts similar to kaeya, although his teasing is slightly toned down and less vocal. like, if you wanted to give him a kiss on the cheek, he might lean away from you and probably use a stool to make himself taller, but he’ll stop after a bit of fun and laughter. it’s not funny unless both of you are smiling, right?

he finds your short stature to be one of your charm points and will compliment you for that, calling you adorable and such. it’s kind of perfect for him because he likes being the big spoon, embracing you from behind and nuzzling his face against the back of your neck. if you’re around the same age as him, it’s alright! there’s still time for you to grow. he’s sure the both of you will be tall soon. there’s no judgement when you’re with him, so don’t be afraid of being yourself around xingqiu, alright? 

if he finds out your confidence is still lacking, he’ll scribble down a list of all the things he loves about you for you to read to lift your spirits up! although, that might prove to be a challenge considering his handwriting is infamously known for being illegible. 

“hmm... isn’t that the picture we took at liyue harbor together?” xingqiu observes the photo in your hand, reminiscing the fond memories. his honey irises flicker to you. “hey, what’s with the frown?” 

you shake your head and tries to change the subject, but he presses on to persuade you into explaining. when you finally do, he bursts into a fit of laughter, wiping away the tears pricking the edge of his eyes. “i apologize for my behavior, but [name], you shouldn’t have to concern yourself with such a trivial matter.” he tucks away a stray strand of your hair behind your ear, his index finger ghosting over your lips. 

“have i ever told you that you’re cute?” xingqiu murmurs, a sense of genuine compassion laced in his tone. “don’t stare at me like that, please. i’m quite serious, so there’s no need to compare yourself with me. no matter the height difference, i’ll always love you - if you’ll allow me too. 

tagging. @liliisacutieowo, @scarymoosh

[booksweet]

hii, hope you're having a great day/night. <3

i saw your request were open and i thought to request some hcs for megumi, gojo and choso who's s/o is insecure about their hip dips (which are so visible), maybe some comfort or how they would just react it's okay. >__<

also, remember to take care of yourself and to drink water.

jjk boys reaction who's s/o is insecure about their hip dips

staring: Fushiguro Megumi, Gojo Satoru, Kamo Choso

contents/warnings: SFW, fluff, grammar mistakes, everyone is 18+

A/N: hey! Thank you so much for sending me this request I'm so glad writing it for you >.< I'm having this kind of busy week, but I'm okay, hope you're good as well! Don't forget to take care of yourself too!! Once again, thank you, I also have dip hips so writing this got kind of personal haha my heart almost melted. Hope you like it, enjoy!

masterlist | main navi

tags: @noritoshiikamo @iwaizumini

Fushiguro Megumi

first things first I have to say that Megumi doesn't see your hip dips as a flaw on your body, actually, he doesn't care at all;

For him, they make you look like a sculpture, some kind of art that he's blessed to have by his side. Like, look how your body is wonderful, he thinks of you as a deity all the time he looks ate you;

But when it comes about your own insecurities, he cares a lot about it, more than he thought he could ever care about someone;

He needs for you to see how stunning you are, how wonderful and perfect your body is;

So that day when you two were about to go out on a date and you've asked him so many times if your clothes were okay, if you were beautiful, he felt you were afraid of his answer. He felt you were worried about what he thought of your body and his heart ached because of you scared of him;

Once again you were trying to change your clothes, focused searching for the perfect one to use on a date with your boyfriend. So focused you didn't notice him staring at you from your door frame;

He watched you silent, staring at your movement with caring eyes. But then you started muttering something and you turned you eyes sadly to that specific side of your body, just below your hip bone;

"Why am I like this? Why do I have this on my body? If I..."

He couldn't take it anymore, you are so beautiful for him, your hips, your waist, you're wholesome perfect and marvelous. "Why what Y/N?" He would enter your room, his soft voice startling you from your wandering thoughts;

"Oh, I'm-" You breath deeply. "I was trying to pick up any clothes, I'm almost ready, but I can't find anything that fits my..." Again, that painful look to your sides.

"You know..." He would walk closer and closer to you, placing his hands on your shoulders in reassurance. He looks at you from your mirrored version. "You may not believe me when I say: but you're perfect. Every inch of your body is. And-"

"Gumi, no..."

"Hey, hey, let me praise you, my love" He places his chin on the top of head, hands down on your waist. "Even the flawless parts you think you have are perfect parts. This..." His hands ghost above your hip dips, you feel your heart racing. "They are just one more part of you for me to love. How could I not love you entirely? You think of them as a flaw..."

He would kiss the top of your head, smiling at you. "But I think of them as art craved through your body. You're art, Y/N. Never forget that."

Gojo Satoru

We know how bold and cocky this man can be, so why would it be different when it comes to you?

He knew you had insecurities with your body, even though he has always managed to show you how wonderful you are;

Believe me, I think he's capable of screaming in public place about how perfect you are, how lucky he is to have you by his side (lowkey he says you're the luckiest because he's with you, that gojo thing);

But when you're both on your day off and you decide to go to the beach, he worries about you enjoying you day, the day you both finally got to be together;

You hid your body on his largest t-shirt, even thought the sun is higher and higher upon the sky, calling you both for a sunbathing;

"Darling, wanna some sunscreen lotion?" He asks you, trying to make you come out from your hiding spot;

Not that he thinks it's not okay for you to use his clothes, he actually finds it very hot and cute, but he knows why are you doing this to yourself and he wants to show you how wrong you are hiding yourself;

"Hm... No need to, babe" You say looking away from him, staring at women and men that were walking around closer the shoreline;

You just wanted to relax with Gojo, you were okay in your bikinis, but since your arrive, you couldn't help but to feel insecure about your body;

Your dip hips were so visible you felt like everybody would judge you if you took off Gojo's shirt;

You really didn't want to care about it, but still it bothered you so hard that sometimes you just wanted to cry;

Again, that feeling overwhelming your senses, why couldn't you be just like these pretty people who were walking around there?

"Hey, babe, hear me" Gojo would say to catch your attention, his intense blue eyes hidden behind that dark sunglasses;

He would sit down closer to you, his tall body almost towering over yours;

Placing his hands on your waist, he would bring you even closer putting you onto his laps. His lips ghosting over your earlobe had he saying "Dear Y/N..."

"Sa-satoru, people can lo-look" you'd say flustered, cheeks coloured in pink;

"Let them look" He whispers, his hands going down his shirt you were wearing, warming all the way they touched. "Let them look how beautiful you are, let them stare at the exquisite person you are..."

"But..." You place your hands right above your sides, where's that visible depression is

Suddenly his hands are on yours, holding them tight and you feel your body warming with love as he poured sweet words, melting your insecurities away "Y/N you're stunning, you are above every concept of existing perfection, you are flawless. Every mark, every mound, every round and curve of your body, they're just..."

His eyes staring deep into your soul while he leaves a kiss on your cheek and chin, then placing his head on the crook fo your neck. "They're just enchanting, I feel mesmerizing by every inch of you. You're delightful, Y/N. And the world should know that too."

After that he would just hold you tight and say "And I want to show off everyone that beautiful s/o of mine, show them how lucky I am to have you by my side!"

extra: if you were hardly unease with it, he would take off his clothes in order to try "avoiding" attention to you, catching it only to him like "let everyone look at me, till you feel safe and then you can slay all of these ugly asses ahead with you strondous beauty"

Kamo Choso

Choso is my sweet little boy (not that little) so the moment he realized you were insecure about how your body looked like, he would lowkey try to show you how mistaken you were;

Little things like compliments, soft touches, caring kisses, always reassuring you how beautiful you are, how wonderful your body is;

So there's this day you both are at home, watching a movie on Netflix and you're laying your head on his lap and he's sitting onto he couch with one of his hands on your waist, the other one is scratching your hair fondly;

But when he starts to move his hand up and down your sides, you feel your body stiffen, afraid of what he will think of your dip hips, since they're so profound and so noticeable;

You move yourself a little, trying to avoid his hand to touch that part of your body, but also trying not to get his attention from what you were doing

You don't know but he already understood what you're acting up;

"Y/N" He says, still focusing his eyes on the TV but the tip is his fingers caring on your sides;

"Uh, love?" Your cheeks rush in red as he softly places his hands on the valley of your sides, right down your hip bones;

"Can we switch places? Wanna lay down on your beautiful legs" his voice was distracted because of the movie you could swear he wasnt talking to you, so sudden were his words;

"Ye-yes, you can, Cho" You say lifting your body up to change places with him, but then you feel a big pair of arms around your body, clenching tight on you.

You retrieve his hug, packing your arms hands hands on his back, smelling his parfum's scent;

Choso's hugs are so warm and comfortable, you could live in between his arms like, forever;

"Why this so sudden-" you start to say but then you feel a kiss on your mouth, and then a kiss on your right cheek and then on your left cheek. "Cho?"

"What?" He's chuckling on your skin, never stopping his kisses trail on your jawline, then your neck, your shoulders, his hands are now on your hair, stroking your locks fondly "I can love you, can't I? I'm just showing you how you deserve to be loved, Y/N"

He catches your hand and then leave it a kiss on it;

"Such a gentleman..." You mutter behind the growing smile you have, his eyes never leaving yours as he places both of his hands upon your shelf hips;

"Y/N, you're lovely, you know?" His hands are warm on your covered skin, and you suddenly feel nothing but his caress on it;

"You're... You're something more. You've always been. And sometimes I think I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you are. As beautiful as you are. No one in the world looks like you, and, If someone had the tiniest similarity to you, they should've happy about how blessed they were"

"Every inch of you deserves to be loved. To be praised. You deserve to be fulfilled with compliments every day, every hour, every second."

"And, when you think you do not deserve it, Y/N, I'm here to remind you that yes, yes you're worth it. You're worth loving, caring, admiring. I love you, Y/N, I love you."

[prying-pandora666]

I don’t want her to have agency… because I recognize the narrative treated her with far less respect and made her far more passive?

I get that you liked the LA, but you’re misrepresenting what they did with Katara and even you must know it.

Yes, they did try to make a false equivalence between Hakoda being disappointed and Katara watching Kya be burned alive in front of her. They even made it WORSE by changing it to now by Katara’s *fault* by bending and nearly getting caught.

And there’s no denying they’re drawing this false equivalence because episode 5 only drives it home even harder! When Sokka and Katara are caught in their “spirit visions” (because Koh is now just a low-rent Pennywise who needs you to go on a fetch quest, instead of the terrifying and amiable but alien and amoral creature he was before), they even use film language to say Sokka’s trauma is WORSE.

They purposefully place his memory SECOND. In film language, you place the more serious or more emphasized parts of the story last so there can be a natural escalation. So why did they give us Katara’s deeply traumatic memory of her mother being burned alive in front of her and it being her fault BEFORE Sokka’s childish crying because he failed a test and dad was disappointed? Shouldn’t his have gone first?

And clearly Hakoda couldn’t have been that disappointed, seeing as he still left Sokka in charge. And not in that “he just said it to comfort his little boy” kinda way they implied in the OG. No, we see Sokka is legitimately the leader of his tribe now. There are adult men there and Sokka is still the leader now rather than him being a wannabe teenager doing his best to try to embody what he thinks it means to be a man and protector while only succeeding at playing in the snow with toddlers. No, now he legitimately has them working shifts and prepared to defend the village.

And all of this glorification of Sokka comes at the expense of Katara. Katara who no longer is the strong one who took on the burden to take care of Sokka. Katara is no longer the rebel, hotheaded but also big hearted, and alight with the courage to stand for what she believes in.

No. Now she gets called childish and whiny and the narrative constantly sides with Sokka about this by making him be right and making her be wrong. By framing her as childish and naive and easily deceived. Or by having her stay silent and pout when Sokka challenges her.

Meanwhile Sokka is now already a great leader, already a clever inventor, already not sexist (now the narrative takes on the sexism instead and agrees with it), not xenophobic, not flawed! But they want their cake and to eat it too, so they give lip service to how SAD it is that he failed a test and dad was disappointed.

Why should we care!? Katara saw her mom get torched alive! How DARE this get framed as her just being childish and refusing to listen to Sokka’s superior wisdom? Why is Sokka the one who charges in to save Sai, a man they didn’t know yet, and not KATARA!

There’s a reason the OG had Imprisoned come before Jet. To make it absolutely clear that Katara didn’t need to be TAUGHT to be a freedom fighter standing up for the oppressed. She didn’t need to be tricked into it. She IS a freedom fighter. She is the one who inspires OTHERS!

Who does Katara inspire here?

It’s disheartening to see anyone justify what the LA has done to its female characters and to Aang.

And the irony is, this does no favors for Sokka either. Instead of rooting for this tryhard teenage boy who hides behind his arrogance to conceal his insecurity, and who slowly grows and matures into the leader, tactician, and inventor we come to love, he is already developed and perfect and smug about it. He talks down to everyone and the narrative praises him for it instead of teaching him humility. There is nothing to root for, because there is nowhere to grow.

Even his dynamic with Yue takes away her stalwart resolution and devotion to duty, and Sokka’s growth in trusting her decision and letting her go, respecting her choice even as it tears him up inside.

No, now Yue freezes him to the ground because she can’t trust him to give her any agency and he impudently whines “no no no!” again and again, as if even the character is too used to the narrative handing him everything and so all he can do is tantrum. And it takes so much away from Yue’s sacrifice that even here, Sokka has to be the focus.

Even the side characters completely miss the mark. You cannot tell me that Jet wanting to remove the colonizers that burned down his village and left him orphaned is the same as him wanting to assassinate the King of Omashu for… unclear reasons.

You cannot tell me that the Mechanist’s conflict with Aang being erased improved the story or even gave the slightest nod to how Aang must feel about his culture slowly being replaced and disappearing from this world. You cannot tell me that it was worth it to take that away from Aang just so it can be all about Sokka AGAIN.

If you don’t see the problem with two main characters whose stories revolve around surviving a genocide being de-emphasized in favor of a uplifting a story about Sokka being perfect but also feeling insecure because he failed a test one time? Then I don’t know what to tell you.

Ready for a hot NATLA take?

The live-action DID include an adaptation of The Great Divide episode.

Instead of Sokka identifying with the war-like, meat eating, not prim and proper tribe and thinking 'yeah, I identify with them, therefore I'm on their side and will argue they can't be wrong' he identified with Sai, the mechanist where Sokka saw reflected his desire to be more than a 'great warrior' but also to use his mind and ingenuity to help his friends - therefore he didn't want Sai to be wrong.

Instead of Katara identifying with the prim and proper, well prepared, educated and clean tribe and thinking 'yeah, I identify with them, therefore I'm on their side and will argue they can't be wrong', she identified with Jet the freedom fighter where Katara saw reflected her anger, pain and desire to fight back against the fire nation as well as create a community to help people who were harmed be healed - therefore she didn't want Jet to be wrong.

The live-action was able to take the theme and lesson from one of the most maligned episodes of the animated series and reframe it within other plot lines to make it so much more poignant and nuanced, pushing forward a lot more character development than 'Sokka is dirty and lazy, Katara is uptight and prissy'. The live-action took the lesson and actually tied it to Katara and Sokka's core character motivations that will have arcs for them rather than surface-level character traits that never really change.

Anyways, the live action adaptation of Avatar the Last Airbender is really good and y'all should watch it - or rewatch it with an open mind to why they combined/altered the story elements they did. The writers clearly understand this world and the story the OG was trying to tell.

[logicalbookthief]

Things Left Unsaid -- An Analysis of Rei & Touya

Apparently Rei has been getting a lot of flack lately, all of it undeserved, and since I had a post analyzing her relationship with Touya in the works already, I figured no time like the present.

Disclaimer #1: There are a lot of issues with the writing for Rei’s character that have nothing to do with her and everything to do with how the storyline is using her, which I will address and examine.

Disclaimer #2: I’m someone who, while always curious as to what kind of relationship Rei had with her oldest son before he died, never thought it would be revealed that Touya was close to his mom. I don’t think you get the Dabi we see in Chapters 290-295 without him being so warped by his relationship with his father yet so dependent on his attention that he was willing to kill his brother and himself simply for his father’s acknowledgement.

But that’s what I find so interesting about Rei and Touya -- it’s a relationship that mainly consists of regrets and things left unsaid. There isn’t the anger or resentment Dabi feels for Endeavor, because that intense level of emotion sprung from the loss of the father who used to be his whole world. His feelings toward his mother seem more amicable, but also more distant.

And while she could’ve done some things differently in regards to her oldest, I want to make it clear that the distance between them was very much by design.

After all, Touya was the end goal of their marriage. It was never any secret as to why Enji wanted to marry her and to some extent Rei must’ve realized that this child was not meant to be hers: the child was the transaction, the thing she was needed to create, to give to her husband. Of course she loved Touya and was likely his primary caregiver for most of his life, but there was no doubt that once his quirk manifested and he could begin his hero training, his life would be dominated by his father. Which is what happened.

Here, I would like to point out something I noticed in the flashback chapters. We never see any panels of Enji alone with any of his children during their infancy -- even with Shouto, the perfect child he longed for, we see Rei holding Shouto, sitting by him as he sleeps. Enji is there tangentially. Once Shouto begins his training, that is when we see him with his father.

So to see Enji with Touya when he was a baby, prior to his quirk manifesting, strikes me as a big deal. But it makes sense if you remember that he’d placed all his hopes, dreams and expectations on his firstborn. Initially, it doesn’t look like he even considered the possibility that Touya wouldn’t be his successor or that his little eugenics experiment would fail; this was his first, most optimistic attempt at a masterpiece. So I don’t believe it’s far-fetched to see him spend more time with Touya right off the bat (it’s what will make the eventual abandonment all the more crushing).

However, Rei isn’t seen at all in the snippet of Touya’s infancy, despite us knowing she was relegated to the caregiver role. Rei is literally out of the picture. Compare this to how she features prominently in Shouto’s infancy or how we see her holding a baby Natsuo. You could argue that, hey, we don’t see her holding a baby Fuyumi either, but there’s other scenes where Fuyumi’s attached to her mother’s hip or crying over her being hurt. Things that suggest a closeness, when the only scene we get of just her and Touya is one where they’re at odds. 

As we move further into Touya’s childhood, though, Rei becomes the only voice we hear advocate for him against his father. I’m referencing two specific instances:

When Enji coerces her into having more children to replace Touya now that his father has deemed him a failure, something she knows will hurt their son deeply.

And after Touya lashes out at Shouto, which Rei doesn’t blame on Touya, but rather on his father. She delivers such a satisfying condemnation of his actions, probably the most cutting one Endvr’s received to date, and it so accurately sums up one of his major character flaws.

How can you call yourself a hero when you can’t even face your own son?

The tragedy of it all is that Rei never said any of this in front of Touya -- it was always said in private, just to her husband. That alone took courage, yes, but it would’ve meant everything to Touya to hear her condemn his father aloud. Instead when she does speak to him, she says this:

It’s why I can’t wrap my head around that scene in Ch 302, where after Enji admits he didn’t know what to say to Touya, Rei replies, “Neither did I.” 

When we’re shown in flashbacks during that same chapter that she did understand her son. “He just wants to be acknowledged by you” is quite the indication that she, at the very least, understood the cause of Touya’s turmoil even if she couldn’t fully relate to it herself. So why can’t she say any of this to him?

The answer is in the way she addresses Touya, as it is nearly identical to how Nao addresses Tenko in this scene:

Both Touya and Tenko grew up in similar households: the father had all the power, physical and financial, so the mothers were left to try and comfort their children in a way that didn’t go against their husbands’ desires -- and so, to use Tenko’s own words, they would “reject them with kindness.”

So it’s no wonder that Touya lashes out at his mother after she suggests he pursue other things. He isn’t five like Tenko was, he’s thirteen and has a much clearer understanding of why she says this and why it’s a bit hypocritical, since he’s aware of her situation, too.

Just as she was bound by her family, who wanted her to marry Endvr for the money and status, he’s bound by the expectations of his family. I’m not sure if I’ve seen anyone else touch on this detail, but when Touya states that he knows his grandparents sold his mom into marriage so his dad could have a child, we could infer that Touya knows enough to realize that his mother might not have necessarily wanted him.

Not him specifically, but any child — the story has neglected to flesh her out beyond her marriage and motherhood, so we have no idea if Rei wanted to become a mother prior to this arrangement, despite how much she loves her kids now — although it is possible that he might’ve internalized it this way.

So you have Touya, who at least knows with certainty that his father wanted him to exist, yet he comes to understand that his father only wants him if he can meet a specific set of expectations, and if he cannot, he’ll be discarded. If he can’t surpass All Might, he can’t fulfill his reason for existing and his father will have to replace him. So to have his mother urge him to follow a path other than becoming a hero would mean, to Touya, accepting that he is the mistake he fears he is. Of course he isn’t going to respond well to that.

I don’t like when people try to compare Touya’s reaction in this moment to Shouto’s when Rei tells him he isn’t bound by his father’s blood, using that to paint Shouto as the “good” child and Touya as the “bad” one. They didn’t react differently because of any innate sense of goodness or lack thereof -- they reacted differently because the situations are different.

Telling Shouto that he didn’t have to be like his father comforted Shouto, who only knew his father as the bully who hurt his mom. He associated his father, and his father’s fire, with all of that fear and pain -- and thus, he associated the part of himself that took after his father with those feelings. She wasn’t denying his dream of becoming a hero, only assuring him that when he became a hero it could be whatever kind of hero he chose to be, that he wasn’t doomed to be like his father.

Whereas what she tells Touya sounds a lot like what his father told him, which was to give up on being a hero and pursue other aspirations.

Encouraging Shouto to become his own version of a hero still falls in line with what Endvr ultimately wants, which is for Shouto to be a hero capable of surpassing All Might. Whereas this is what happens when Touya continues to train to do that against his father’s wishes:

This is where the framing begins to bother me and where Rei’s characterization becomes inconsistent. 

So in this scene from Ch 302, we see Enji abusing his wife for “letting” Touya continue to train, punishing her for her “failure” to stop him. Obviously, none of that is Rei’s fault. If anything, Enji would be more responsible for preventing Touya from hurting himself since he’s the reason his son is hurting himself in the first place.

Moreover, the fact that he hits Rei over this sort of muddies the water of an previously-established narrative. Since the Sports Festival arc, we’ve known that Endvr abused his wife because she tried to interfere with Shouto’s training. It got to the point where she was terrified of her husband and it drove her to a breakdown. Why introduce this new aspect to the abuse, when it was already established that a) he was physically abusive and b) his motivations for abusing her were explicit to the audience? 

I’m not saying it doesn’t make sense that a man who hits his wife for one reason could find another reason to do it and justify his actions to himself. And while the scene does portray Endvr in a bad light to show how wrong his actions are, literally draping his figure in shadow, why does it even dare to suggest the idea that Rei was remiss in her duties as a mother? Again, the scene isn’t even necessary, since the narrative has long-since showed the audience that Enji abused his wife. 

By itself, the scene would read as further exploration of how Rei was victimized and how it affected her children. When you look at it with the chapter as a whole, though? Remember, this is the chapter where Rei claims that all of the family shares the blame in what happened to Touya, displacing some of the blame that rightfully rests on Enji. 

But my major gripe with this scene is how it reframes the sole moment we get of Rei and Touya alone. Because we know that Rei understands Touya, based on her confrontations with her husband in Ch 301 & 302. Rather than encourage him to be what he wants or acknowledge that his father is in the wrong, however, her advice falls in line with what Enji wants -- to stop Touya from training. And this comes after a scene where we see Enji beat his wife when she doesn’t stop Touya from training.

With all that in mind, it could potentially be read as Rei trying stop Touya for the sake of protecting herself and the family -- I don’t think it’s coincidence that in the scene where he hits her that we see Shouto, Fuyumi & Natsuo all as witnesses who are very distressed by what’s happening to their mother -- at the cost of Touya’s need to be validated. And if executed well or at least better than it has here, that wouldn’t be a bad choice of narrative per se, and it would fit into the pattern where the households the villains were raised in -- notably Shigaraki, Dabi & Toga -- mimic the society they live in, just on a smaller scale.

Except. Does that sort of narrative make sense based on what we already know about Rei?

Certainly, it is natural to want to protect yourself under physical and/or emotional duress by appeasing your abuser. This sort of complicated dynamic appears in the Shimura family, too. Just like in the house that Kotaro built, the Todoroki family revolves around the desires of the abuser and is dictated by his whims.

I would argue that Nao does give us a well-written example of this narrative. From the beginning, it’s established that she loves Tenko dearly. But in the house her husband built, there’s no room to love her son as he deserves. She prioritizes the feelings of Tenko’s father for the sake of maintaining peace in the household and this is established quickly and plainly.

Early on in the flashback, Kotaro exerts his control over the house, while Nao + her parents look uncomfortable. Despite this, we watch as they comply with his rules, all at the expense of Tenko’s feelings. When she stands up to Kotaro at last, it is not where Tenko can see and already too late. It’s a painful story, full of regret and sadness, but it is consistent from start to end. Nobody feels out-of-character or there to prop up anybody else.

So why doesn’t Rei feel as consistent in this narrative?

Because it doesn’t fit with everything we knew about Rei prior to her abuser’s subpar redemption arc.

The way she interacts with Touya would make sense, if this was how she was portrayed from the start. However, her behavior in Shouto’s flashback -- where she was first introduced -- contrasts what we get in the later Todoroki flashbacks.

Let’s compare this to the scenes in Ch 302. Here, Rei interferes on Shouto’s behalf. She advocates for her son in front of Shouto where he can hear. She stands up to his bully/villain and tries to protect him, while also validating his feelings in the process. Directly after this, Enji hits her, not for failing to comply with his demands, but for defying him. 

It is difficult to reconcile this Rei with the Rei we get in Ch 302. And if you try to find an in-story reason for the inconsistency, the options either do a disservice to Rei or make things even more painful for Touya. But I’m sure most of you have realized that I’m going to suggest a reason for this inconsistency that goes beyond the canon.

Because when Rei was first introduced in the story, Endvr was unequivocally the villain in the Todoroki family, not some misguided patriarch trying to atone for his “past” mistakes. Years later and in the midst of his redemption arc, the narrative seems to be intent on making this man more palatable to readers, and it’s used Rei at every opportunity to prop up his efforts to be better. Often, though, it takes some of the heat off Enji by displacing it onto other family members, most significantly Rei & Touya.

Like, you can literally see the difference in the frame from early in the manga to now:

Ch 39: Endvr trains his five-year-old to the point where he’s throwing up due overextension and being punched by a fully grown adult who is also his father. Rei tries to protect her son and gets slapped by Endvr. All the blames rests squarely on Endvr, who is clearly the aggressor and painted as the villain here.

Ch 302: Endvr hits Rei for not preventing Touya from sneaking out to train, knocking her to the ground. Again, Endvr is clearly the aggressor, but oh this time it’s not driven solely by his selfish desires it’s also cocnern for his son; Rei is the victim but oh she also should have been watching him more closely, and oh well why was Touya going out in the first place, when everyone has told him to stop and he knows his mom will get punished for it?

Honestly, I can understand where some people have mixed feelings over Rei’s character, particularly since the writing has done her such a disservice recently. With that being said, however, it takes a minimum amount of critical thinking to recognize that while you can criticize some choices she made, you cannot hold her to the same standard of accountability as Enji, it’s absurd. The power imbalance was obviously tipped in Endvr’s favor, always.

It is a shame, too, that we can’t have more discussions that don’t turn into some readers (a lot of whom are attempting to make Endvr sound less horrible than he actually was) trying to demonize her. It’s doubly a shame the story itself doesn’t bother to flesh her out as a person, instead using her as a prop, because the complex relationships she has with Touya -- with all her children, really -- has plenty of room for exploration. 

Like, there was no reason to add this new dimension of resentment due to her spouting Enji’s words back at Touya, when there was already a source of tension supported by previous canon -- the neglect the Todoroki kids suffered because Rei couldn’t be the parent they needed, due to her declining mental health and eventual breakdown.

Or, if you want to complicate their dynamic further, why not add something that focuses on Rei and has nothing to do with Enji? We learn in the flashbacks that Rei agreed to the marriage more-or-less to please her family, lamenting that she “intended to smile through it to the end,” essentially admitting that her hope was she could grin and bear it. It is telling that she had this attitude before entering her marriage; evidently, she was raised with the idea that she should be acquiescent to her parents’ whims and not express herself if she was only going to be contrary. Maybe she didn’t know how to deal with Touya’s very expressive, very emotional outbursts as a result. And her inability to respond would be the exact opposite of what Touya was seeking.

Not to mention that Touya died, and for the last decade, Rei was under the impression she had lost her son forever. He died while she was hospitalized, torn up with guilt over what she did to Shouto, only to find out that her other son died in a frankly horrific manner, and she could do nothing. By the time she would’ve found out, it was too late to even try to do anything. I can’t imagine what she must’ve felt in terms of regret alone, plus her grief. And I’m still mad we were robbed of her reaction to Touya being alive, because now suddenly there is a chance to do something, to change what was once written in stone.

Or what about Touya’s feelings for his mother, that have yet to be given much depth? As the oldest and most aware of his existence, it seems like he was the first to truly understand his mother’s situation and I can’t help but wonder: If Touya knew he vessel for his father’s ambition, and his mother was sold into role of creating/caring for him, did he question her love for him? Once he found out one parent’s love was conditional, it wouldn’t be a leap for him to consider it for the other. And yet if that’s true, Dabi doesn’t appear to hold any ill-will towards her for that. He was angry at her hypocrisy, because he knows she should understand, but her words to him didn’t reflect that.

All of that is fascinating and so much better than what we got in canon, so far at least. I’m hoping for them interact in the present at least once before the end of the series, and I think they will, but as to how satisfying a reconciliation it’ll be, I guess we’ll have to wait to see how the Todoroki plotline progresses from here on out.

[here4kpopfics]

i just finished reading hold my hand and through the night after stumbling across the teaser for cool anymore and i’m so deeply in love with them and so so excited for the full fic to be posted !! i haven’t found the drive to write in general for a long time but just reading all three of your works and seeing how real the characters and relationship feel and how genuine the fears, insecurities, confessions of love, growth in terms of allowing yourself to be vulnerable…it just made want to dust off my google drive and find something to use as practice to start writing again.

i know this isn’t really giving real feedback or anything but i just wanted to share🥺 i literally was yelling in my head when the teaser was done because i wanted more and i will be ready to read as soon as it’s ready and posted. i hope you’re having a good day/afternoon/night and that you know you’re appreciated, seen, valued, loved and that you are so WORTH loving.🤍

Hold on hold on hold on hold on. First of all. You are the first to come to my ask with a review and I just wanna say how much I appreciate you and thank you for taking the time to say anything. Like I’m actually crying I’m so happy no joke. So thank you 💜

Second thank you for loving my goofy goober babies. They’re so precious to me and I’m so happy people are falling in love with them. It’s my goal to write them as realistic as possible. They’re not perfect. They have flaws (as will be shown in Cool Anymore and future works) and it’s a constant work in progress.

ALSO PLEASE YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME THAT YOU WANT TO GET BACK INTO WRITING BECAUSE OF ME.

Genuinely. I know it’s in my notes for hold my hand but I stopped writing over a decade ago for so many reasons and only came back like a few months ago just to read. Hence the url name. But it wasn’t until my bby @chryblossomjjk posted her first fic Imagine that I was like okay look at her. She’s putting herself out there and she’s so gosh darn good and I’m never gonna write again but she encouraged me regardless and when that inspo finally hit she was right there for me. So if that makes me your Kiki, I’m freaking honored. Write if you wanna write. Never force it. And do it for you and only you bby 💜

Thank you again, love. I hope you enjoy it when it’s posted and if you want, I can tag you when it’s up.

[chocoholicannanymous]

If the Spit Hits the Fan (Glee) Part XV

Follows pt I, pt II, pt III, pt IV, pt V, part VI, pt VII, part VIII, part IX, part X, part XI, part XII, part XIII and part XIV.

Being Sebastian's boyfriend really isn't that much different from being his friend. They do a lot of the same things, and talk about the same stuff, only now there's hand-holding and kissing and cuddling with it. Apart from the touching though? Nothing really changes much.

Which kind of makes it sound like how it was with Blaine.

It's not though.

Sebastian will hold his hand in the hallway without worrying about being seen. And yes, Dalton is different from McKinley – so, so much different, and safer – but Blaine even hesitated to hold Kurt's hand in the choir room, surrounded by friends.

Sebastian kisses him in a way that never leaves Kurt doubting there's attraction, and has to stop his hands from wandering too far on a regular basis – yet never making Kurt worry he won't stop.

Sebastian makes Kurt have to stop himself, both from allowing it and from doing his own wandering. They're still too new to go there, no matter how much Kurt's hormones sit up and beg every time Sebastian touches him. (They'll get there, Kurt's sure, just... Step by step, and not yet.)

Sebastian reaches out for Kurt without looking – sometimes seemingly without thinking – to pull him close, and always makes a space for him.

And when Sebastian sings, it's with Kurt, or for him, not at him.

It's a far cry from scheduled make-outs and avoiding even PG13 levels of PDA and being made to feel like his boyfriend is more interested in his own hand than in Kurt.

It's amazing.

There's a rainbow rose hanging on Kurt's door on Valentine's day. He and Sebastian have been dating for two days – a day and a half, if he was to be picky – and Kurt knows from last year's insanity that there's not a flower shop within two hours of Vesterville that carries rainbow roses. They have to be ordered special, and with a lot more warning than two days.

Kurt's not the least bit ashamed about how he squeals, or how he turns on his heel and kisses his boyfriend (!) for long enough to be a little dizzy afterwards.

This isn't to say that Sebastian is a perfect boyfriend. He's not. Then again, neither is Kurt. He's working from romantic movies and the examples from the New directions, and of course from his time with Blaine. Neither is a good road map. Romantic movies have so many flaws Kurt don't really want to examine, and a lot of his favorites are set too far back in time to be useful as guidelines. The loves lives of his old glee mates are...well. They're flawed too, when seen without rose-colored glasses and envy.

As for his relationship with Blaine... Even if he's not counting how it ended that relationship was so very less than perfect, and honestly it was both their faults. Kurt's not without blame, he knows that and can admit it without somehow pretending what Blaine did wrong never happened.

So he's trying to learn from his mistakes, and other people's mistakes, and he does his best to communicate with Sebastian – who does the same in return.

Also, no one can say that they don't argue. They definitely do. They have from the beginning, and they're both opinionated passionate people, so why should they stop now? Their relationship has changed – they themselves haven't.

It's just that they manage to argue in a way that works. That doesn't makes Kurt pull out his claws to eviscerate Sebastian, that doesn't scare Kurt, or make him give in to “preserve the peace”. That, right there, was one of the things that had sent his relationship with Blaine down the wrong turn. When he'd first told his dad that he'd begun dating Blaine Burt Hummel had told him never to go to bed angry with his partner. He'd meant to sort out arguments and disagreements, but Kurt had interpreted it as needing to back down and push down his anger or hurt. With Sebastian he doesn't.

They argue, because that's who – and how – they are, but they do it in as mature and healthy way as they are able to, being teenagers. And they apologize if they step over the line. Not Kurt apologizes, regardless, with Sebastian pouting until he does, but both of them.

If Kurt had to, he'd call it damned near perfect. Instead he'll just say it's good, and he's happy.

That's never something to look down on.

The week of Regionals is weird. Kurt's never felt as prepared or as calm with a competition approaching, which is rather telling. The rest of the Warblers are a different story though. Kurt has made it clear that his primary goal is to beat the Troubletones, and his friends are feeling the pressure. They even ask if Kurt and Sebastian won't reconsider singing 'Human Nature'.

“Look, guys, I'm honored, really, that you would trust me, us like that. But I want to win more than I want that solo. And even if we ignore the fact that Ohio doesn't seem ready for a gay duet, I really do think the setlist we have is stronger as is. The Troubletones have a great presence, and both Mercedes and Santana are awesomely talented. However, everything about the Troubletones are built around them. The rest of the girls are background and dancing. If we go on with a number that's the same they are going to win, for no other reason than that most people find girls prettier and nicer to look at.

“But if we go on as an actual choir, for a show choir competition? We'll win. I'm sure of it. We've worked so hard with our songs, and I wouldn't change a thing about our setlist.”

And it's true. They have an amazing setlist, and everything flows in a way that makes Kurt feel practically professional, and he's not giving that – and its chance to win – up to stare longingly at Sebastian while singing a song that exposes them to the core.

No. Kurt's going to have quite a lot more time in the spotlight than he'd expected when turning down a proper solo. He's going to sing with his friends, and his boyfriend, and he's going to show McKinley what it means to be a team onstage.

The Troubletones are just as amazing onstage as Kurt thought. They've done a good job picking their songs, and Mercedes still has the best voice he's ever heard live. Santana's not quite as talented, but give her the right song – which these are – and she'll blow your mind. Their choreography showcases the girls poached from the Cheerios without making Mercedes look too far behind, and their clothes look good.

Kurt would vote for them any day, even with Rachel being given a place in the background, except this one. This is going to be his day. He meets Sebastians eyes as they line up and nods.

Showtime.

'I want You Back' does exactly what it's meant to, namely getting the audience in a party mood. As the last notes flows into the first from 'Man in the Mirror' the mood shifts and Kurt feels his own shift with it. His solo feels a little raw, because in no way can he sing those lines without being reminded of all the crap he's gone through over the past 6 months.

“...a willow deeply scared, somebody's broken heart and a washed out dream...”

Well. His heart might have been broken, and his dreams about Blaine did wash out. But he's got new dreams, and his hearts healed, and no matter the scars he's whole where it matters. And even if he wasn't? He's looking in the mirror, and he's changing.

They bring the party back with their last song, giving their all transforming the sounds of 'Beat It' to sounds that can be reproduced by the human throat. The dancing is the most demanding Kurt's ever done onstage, and he knows he will definitely be beat after. But they look and sound awesome, and that's all that matters.

Or maybe not, he ruefully thinks as he sees Finn on his feet, jumping up and down and whooping as the Warblers are proclaimed the winners and Rachel looks like she's been pelted with eggs again.

“You stole our songs!”

Of course. All Kurt wants to do is get on the bus, go back to Dalton and celebrate. Okay, shower, then celebrate. So naturally Rachel is waiting to ambush him. Well, that's not going to go the way she's probably thinking.

“Really? Really Rachel, you're going there? You know very well that we didn't steal anything. Oh, I know that there was a suggestion that the New Directions do Michael for Sectionals, but I also know that you were the one who refused to accept it.

“You really blew it there. Michael is a great choice for Sectionals or Regionals, what with the Ohio mindset, and I'm pretty sure you would have won with the setlist the guys suggested. I'm not surprised you put a stop to it though.”

Rachel draws back, looking first shocked, then insulted, then finally like an angry goose, complete with hissing sound. He's not letting it touch him though, lets it run over him, one might say, like water over a goose.

“There are no songs in Michael Jacksons discography that's a given for you, no certainty that you'll be featured. And in the end, that's what mattered, wasn't it? Not that the New Directions won, but that you won. You wanted to beat the Troubletones, didn't you? Wanted to show that you were better than Mercedes, wanted to prove that her beating you when auditioning for Maria was just a fluke. Wanted to prove what everyone knows, that's she's every bit as good as you, and sometimes better, is wrong.

“Well, congratulations. You got what you wanted in terms of the setlist and the spotlight, but you fucked up everything else. And not just for you, but for everyone.”

An expression of pain flies across Rachel's face, and he pushes the knife in a little bit further.

“We weren't as blind though. The minute Finn told me about the Michael setlist I knew it was a winner. As did the other Warblers. I asked Finn first, and Sam and Puck. They didn't think we needed their permission, as you didn't use the songs, but they gave it any way.”

Kurt looks at Rachel, looks at the way she's still fuming, still refusing to see any other side than her own. It won't matter what he says – she'll keep ignoring any and all arguments against her. Once he might have tried harder to make her understand, but as things are he just wants to leave. His boyfriend's waiting and that makes Kurt out of time to spend on his former friend.

“Your loss, our gain.”

He starts to leave, but thinks better of it. He's got one more jab in him.

“Oh, and Rachel? Don't worry. Going to Nationals is a privilege, and we won't waste it. We've already gotten started on a setlist.”

It's petty, but. So's she.

That evening the Warblers celebrate as thoroughly as a bunch of uniformed boys in a well-staffed boarding school can. This means that it's late when Kurt drags Sebastian to his room (unlike him Sebastian's in a single), but neither of them is under the influence of anything but happiness.

That's important to Kurt as they tumble into Sebastian's bed while kissing, because he doesn't want there to be any doubt in Sebastian's mind that when Kurt pulls off his shirt and then goes for his fly it's because he wants to.

Having Sebastian stop him is frustrating, to say the very least.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

It's only the fact that it's Sebastian, and that he's shown himself trustworthy in so many ways over the past months that stops Kurt from storming out.

“I thought we... You know?”

It's so hard to say, to open himself up like this, years of being told he's a predator, or ugly, or plain wrong getting just as much in his way as the fact that he's never done this, and the only time he's been even close wasn't even about him.

Apparently he's going to have to use his words regardless, because Sebastian's not taking the opening.

“I thought we could have sex.” There. Words. Consent. Door wide open.

And yet Sebastian's still not taking the opening.

“What's the hurry?”

Kurt pulls back a little, hurt blooming.

“No, no, don't. Talk to me, okay? I'm a bit surprised I guess. We haven't even been dating for two months yet, and I know this is new for you.”

“So? It's not like I'm waiting for marriage.”

Kurt knows he sounds a bit snippy, and he has sort of been waiting – not for marriage, but for something, some feeling of more. He's got that feeling with Sebastian, so what's the point of waiting any longer? Everyone else his age (or so it feels) is having sex so why can't he?

Some of it must bleed through because Sebastian gets that “aha” look, and nods a bit.

“Look, regardless of what I might have said or implied when chasing Blaine, I'm actually not the whore of Babylon. I have, however, rounded a few bases and enjoyed them. I think you'd enjoy them too, and I would love to find out first hand. But that doesn't have to mean we go straight to fucking.” Kurt blushes, because he might be ready to do it, but those words...

“So. I'm not going to push, and I'm not going to rush. I am more than interested though, I'm just happy to take it a bit slow. To build up to every step. As far as I'm concerned you've earned that.”

Sebastian's looking so earnest it kills Kurt annoyance, and then lightning-quick it's replaced by a vicked look than makes him shiver all over.

“I wouldn't mind showing you the first of many, many bases now though. How about it, babe?”

Kurt doesn't mind either, neither then nor the next day.

[grimmradiance]

Close to Me: How the Hollow Knight's Fighting Style Reflects Their Trauma (and the Radiance's as well)

So I've been trying to actually beat the Radiance, which means I've been fighting the Hollow Knight. A lot, as a matter of fact, since I'm beans at this game sometimes. I've also been thinking about @lost-kinn's meta about how fighting styles are how Vessels, especially the Little Knight, communicate.

In trying to apply this to the Hollow Knight, I've been coming to some very interesting conclusions, especially taken in context of...Everything Else in the lore, and Everything Else implicated in this by the psychology of it.

There's a lot to cover here, and it tracks through a LOT of different places, including trauma psychology, the relationship between chronic stress and lifespan health, and shape symbolism. Two warnings first:

One: this essay is gonna get heavy. It includes fine-grained discussion of the Hollow Knight's trauma, including discussions of the real-life machanics of psychological abuse, as well as the Extremely Concerning Implications of them harming themself during their boss fight. please read with caution and when you're in a safe emotional place to do so.

Two: This post is not a place for justifying the Pale King. If you read this essay in its entirety and still want to do that, please make your own post; my relationship to the Hollow Knight themself is deeply rooted in my own experiences, so in the context of this discussion I can't promise I won't take it personally.

With that out of the way, let's talk trauma and fighting styles:

We know that the Hollow Knight is trained to be a paragon of fighting skill, through the Pure Vessel fight, and this gives us a fantastic way to compare what they were like before they were made Government Assigned Radiance Jail, and after. Or, in other words, we're given the perfect opportunity to see what the Radiance is doing (i.e. context effects), and what Hollow is (i.e. what we can conclude is reliably consistent as a part of them). Listed here, for reference:

Hollow's attacks:

Three slashes

A dash slash

A Radiant Shade Soul, which launches a volley of Infection blobs in arcs

A Radiant Desolate Dive, which produces pillars of entwined Void and Light at random intervals

The Infection bursting out of them in random arcs, covering a significant amount of the aerial space of the arena

The Radiance ragdolling their body around trying to hit the Knight

Contact damage from them stabbing themself and falling over atop you

The Pure Vessel's attacks:

Three slashes

A dash slash

A Pure Shade Soul, which launches a volley of nails in straight lines

A Pure Desolate Dive, which produces nails at specific intervals

A Pure Focus, which causes circular explosions across most of the aerial space in the arena

Lashing out with a Void Arm (word choice intentional)

I've highlighted attacks from each battle that are different, since those are our points of interest here. In addition, both the Pure Vessel and Hollow are exceedingly fond of teleport-spamming in a way that is usually reserved for a specific group of bosses.

Another very important distinction between these two fights: the Pure Vessel doesn't scream. Well, they certainly try to, but no sound comes out. No voice to cry suffering, after all. All of these points have a lot to go into, so let's address them one at a time.

All That Remains: Theoretical Background On The Significance Of Constants

Making comparisons across time is important specifically because humans (and human-like bugs) change. Most personality traits aren't set in stone--they exist as an interaction of someone's internal tendencies, their experiences, and their environment. Speaking of those last two points, not all experiences and environments are created equally. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs for short) are known to have lifelong implications for a child's health, both physically and mentally. These are events that are so stressful or stressful for so long that they exceed a child's ability to cope and become toxic stress (yes, that's the term in the literature, because it actively damages your organs). They compound, as well--the stress of one ACE makes it harder for a child to cope with another, especially if they overlap.

Some examples of ACEs? Being exposed to physical danger or the threat of physical danger, deprivation of normal social relationships with peers of a similar age, being forcibly seperated from family members, witnessing a loved one being hurt or killed, chronic illness in oneself or a family member, neglect of a child's emotional needs....

Poor fucking Holly. It's a miracle they didn't disintegrate under the pressure. The only other option is that they bent and adapted under that much stress--in other words, most of their personality has been forcibly reshaped by what they've gone through. Anyone who has up-close experience with parentification or complex child abuse already knows: this was by design. I'm not saying the intent was to traumatize the Pure Vessel past several points of no return, but the intent definitely was to reshape their personality for the purpose of being The Vessel. We only see them (the Pure Vessel) in battle after this process is mostly or entirely complete, but we do see them a few times beforehand. I'd like to draw attention to the Path of Pain cutscene right now.

I've seen people talking about the look the Vessel and the King share as a sign that TPK really does love his child. That might be true, but it's definitely not relevant when it comes to how abuse works. This is, in fact, exactly how the cycle of abuse uses affection as a tool. Long periods of abuse or neglect, smoothed over by small periods of affection that placate the survivor? That's textbook love bombing, the kind that forms stubborn trauma bonds and facilitates unhealthy dependency. Forgive me for not giving the Higher Being of knowledge and prescience the benefit of the doubt on that one. (/s)

Team Cherry knows about the importance of parallels and dissonance. There's a reason the music in the second phase of the Hollow Knight fight plays in the Path of Pain. There's a reason it cuts out the moment the battle with the Kingsmoulds is over, instead of at the room transition. There's a reason it doesn't cut out in the Black Egg. Actually, there's two potential reasons, which could also coexist: either little Hollow trusts the Pale King to keep them safe, even after the borderline torture that they were just subjected to, or big Hollow is so hypervigilant that they're in full functioning-through-trauma mode even while they're at death's door.

If you don't see how much the Pale King scarred his child at this point, I'm not sure we were playing the same game.

Walking the Straight Line: How the Pale King's Teachings Show In the Pure Vessel

The Pale King loves order and control. Everything about the White Palace and every decision we see him make implies this. Everything is spotless white walls and well-maintained gardens; the only signs of disorder are hidden away, either in his workshop or in The Pit™. This also reflects in the Pure Vessel's title--pure as in holy, but also pure as in without flaw. Considering the Nailsmith's emotional state after completing the Pure Nail, TPK's fate with his Perfect Controlled Kingdom, and the Godmaster ending as a whole, attaining perfection is not a good thing in any sense.

We know the Hollow Knight isn't perfect--that's the whole catalyst for the plot. But considering their upbringing and their fighting style as the Pure Vessel, their imperfections absolutely kill them emotionally. I'll spare the lecture on how perfectionism affects neurodivergent kids even more severely than neurotypical kids, if only to keep this post to a reasonable length (look up "twice-exceptional children" if you'd like to know the theory I'm glossing over in more depth). But, in essence, the deck is doubly stacked against them--they have a higher goal to reach, and far more obsctacles in their path, including their own emotional scars.

I've already discussed how Hollow isn't meant for this kind of stress in a physical sense in other posts. They're not prepared for it emotionally, either--the Pale King wants perfection, and they can't even stand up straight (every spoonie in the audience already knows how exhausting people's obsession with Standing Up Straight is). There's another page on their stack of emotional baggage, even BEFORE you consider that the Pure Vessel knows their perfection is what bought them a ticket out of the Abyss.

Bringing Teleportation To A Sword Fight: Where The Pure Vessel Reveals Their Fears

How else are they going to cope with that need for perfection, that need to prove themselves worthy of the reason their life was spared, by being flawless in any way they can? Being a mechanical, flawless fighter puts so much pressure on them, both literally (repetitive strain injuries fucking HURT) and figuratively--if you're predictable, the only sure way to win is to mop the floor with your opponents before they figure you out. Hell, that's the way most people play their first run of Hollow Knight, by throwing themselves at the bosses over and over until they figure out the patterns. That strategy is inherently going to fail against an opponent that's, say, an immortal higher being.

There's no way that the Vessel didn't figure this out, and yet none of their TPV specific attacks are positioned randomly--the nails are always evenly spaced, and the Focus explosions are always in a specific height region of the screen. That's clinging to survival strategies even when they become maladaptive in its purest form.

Another dip into psychological theory: let's talk about disorganized attachment. Attachment styles describe how someone's relationships to their main caregiver(s) influence their understanding on relationships in general. Disorganized attachment is a result of an upbringing of inherently unstable parent-child relationships, where there's no way of a child predicting whether an adult is going to be delighted to see them, ambivalent, upset, or otherwise. If my parent woke up some days saying "all right my child, time for the Infinite Buzzsaws Obstacle Course," I'd be the same way. In adulthood this manifests as an inability to form a stable sense of self-concept as well as concepts of others. Mission accomplished, TPK, there's no will to break if you broke it yourself.

This is where the fighting styles as communication comes in--Hollow needs to keep Ghost at a distance to fight, but also wants to be closer to their sibling (the only being who has a chance of understanding what they've been through), BUT also has a trauma-rooted fear of attaching to people, as their experiences with attachment are inherently unpredictable and dangerous. Hence, both the teleportation that doesn't seem to match their fighting style any more reliably than "aim at the thing attacking you" and the second attack unique to the Pure Vessel--they're quite literally lashing out in pain to push people away. There's a reason that attack is so reminiscent of the Thorns of Agony.

Of note is that Holly does seem to teleport like the bugs of the Soul Sanctum do (favoring the edges of a screen, rather than going wherever like Dream Warriors do), which makes sense--they're the most obvious answer to the question "how did they learn how to teleport, anyways?" However, Sanctum bugs have abilities designed to capitalize on this, like homing spells and slashes from above. I can only assume this means that someone saw Holly's proficiency with the nail and assumed it translated to other forms of combat, and didn't feel the need to give them at least a bit of a primer on how to make the best use of it. There's another tally for the Hollow Knight as an autism metaphor.

Trauma Bonds: How the Radiance Speaks Through Hollow

Now, we're back to the Black Egg, and two people stuck in the same sinking ship. The thing that makes this hurt so badly is that Holly and the Radiance are at complete cross purposes here, and yet they both want the same thing:

They both want out, no matter the cost. For the Radiance, this means forsaking the pacifistic nature of the moths and nuking Ghost personally.

For Hollow, this means forsaking the way they were raised and everything that was bludgeoned into their personality: the only way out is to fail, give up control, and trust that Ghost will do what needs to be done.

Imagine how much pain they're in to actually go for it. Going against a literal lifetime of conditioning is something that takes the average person years to even consider, let alone go through with. It's a form of learned helplessness--if you try to break free and fall, again and again, it actively discourages further attempts. Breaking through learned helplessness is an interesting process, because it generally involves re-establishing a sense of control by recalling previous events where the person was able to change their situation.

Which, as far as we know of, are nothing but traumatic memories for Hollow. It's very unlikely that they'd break through it on their own, but we know they have by the time we see the second phase of their fight. This is them at their most desperate: the same music as the Path of Pain, the way they let, or can't stop, the Radiance throw their body around, the way they actively try to let the Radiance out by stabbing themself.

You'd think that giving up and learned helplessness are inherently compatible, but when giving up both goes against your core personality, and involves your active participation, they're in direct opposition. So either Holly was able to process all their trauma by themself (which I doubt, judging by how much effort the player has to go through to even see Ghost's and Hollow's traumatic memories), or someone gave them a nudge or three in that direction.

Considering that there's been someone living in Holly's head who has a vested interest in them Not Doing Their Duty, I think we know who. And the thing is, I think we watch Hollow have this breakthrough during their battle. Imagine for the first time in decades, at least, you can move. You're in pain from being in the same position, probably hallucinating from sensory deprivation, with an infection sucking at what strength your body has left. And there's this little creature who looks ready to fight you, who seems to have let you go for that exact purpose.

And you look down, and both you and the Radiance recognize them from a place rooted deeper than consciousness, in the murky depths of trauma. You see the other Vessel who just as easily could have been you, and who looks so much stronger for not being you, for being an imperfect, willful creature. And the Radiance sees history threatening to repeat itself, another one of the Wyrm's cursed children seeking to lock her away once more.

What else do you do when you're triggered? You scream, and you go on instinct, and you retreat into your head. Those first blows, with the epic music? That's the Vessel the Pale King forged, the fighting machine that will endure unimaginable stress because it knows no other way. What snaps you back out of dissociation? Usually, either the passage of the triggering stimulus, or an even more relevant stimulus (severe pain from getting beaten up by a nail, for example).

The tragedy is this: we know this isn't a triumph. I think most of us went into that fight the first time, knowing we'd be putting the Hollow Knight out of their misery. The music turns tragic, Hollow screams, and then we see the Radiance and Hollow themself break through: the Radiance trying to fight Ghost directly with the resources she has, and Hollow trying to help her along.

For what it's worth, Hollow even had the right idea, when it came to letting themself rest while helping Ghost stop the madness their father started--they were just digging for the Radiance in the wrong place. The dynamic between the Radiance and the Hollow Knight is something I could write on for pages and pages, but this has gone on for long enough. Tune in next time, where I'll presumably talk about this same topic but in reverse with regards to the Radiance.

[beauty-and-passion]

Hey! How are you? Just came across your blog recently, and I gotta say I absolutely love your theories!! I’m still catching up, but they’re so well thought out and deeply analyzed. It’s an absolute joy to read through, so thank you for all your interesting ideas!

I love theorizing myself too, and I’ve been wondering a bit about what the upcoming season finale of Sanders Sides will look like. Do you have any thoughts/theories on that?

I believe Joan mentioned we will have another 1/2 Asides before the finale of the current 2nd season. After FWSA (which apparently is playing an important part in the overall storyline according to the team), I feel like we might get an intense 2-vs-2 situation that could revolve around Thomas and Nico. Virgil and Roman on one side arguing Thomas is ready to start a relationship with Nico, and Patton and Janus on the other side arguing against it. Don’t know whether Nico would make a return so soon though, as it also feels Roman’s arc might become a vocal point in upcoming episodes (then again, the two could intertwine).

Anyway, do you have any ideas on how the finale would play out? Could we potentially get some Orange hints? (I am freaking out about him lately so would LOVE some more hints in next episodes lol.) Sorry if this is too long for an Ask Me Anything, still figuring out how to Tumblr. Would love to hear your thoughts!

First of all: thank you, I’m glad you like my theories! And I hope you will keep hanging around, because more will come in the future ;)

Second: don’t worry, this wasn’t a long ask :) it was nice to read your thoughts on the matter, because that’s not an easy one!

Third: o-oooh, what a question! I really love it! But I will also need some time to properly answer it, so I apologize in advance for my late reply.

Before starting, a premise. As you said, there will be two Asides, then a two-parts episode that will end season two. During every two-parts episode we visited the room of a new Core Side and considering we’re into Roman’s arc now, it’s pretty clear Roman’s room will be the next one. That also means this two-parts episode will be focused on Roman.

But Roman’s plot isn’t the only one we have now. There’s also:

The whole “Dark Sides relationship” (yes, I’m talking about you, Virgil and Janus)

Remus (his relationship with Roman, his functions, his future role in the creative process)

Logan and his issues

Considering that those are pretty big themes, I would develop them all in season three and just give some hints for now. There will be time to properly address them all later.

The only other plot I would keep is the one about Nico. During the first livesteam after FWSA, Thomas said he wanted to show how character!Thomas deals with a relationship. So yes, Nico IS a big deal, he will come back and the next big theme will probably be about him.

Having said that, here we are:

My Theories On The Next Two Asides And The Possible Ending Of Season Two.

_______________________________________

THE ASIDES

So we have three Asides and six Sides. Two of them were in the first Aside, so I would take them out for the other two.

We have now four Sides to see. Leaving one or two behind would have no sense, so I think we should see them all, two at a time.

Second Aside: Remus and Logan

Why the next Aside should be about them? Because we need to start talking about the creative process and how it isn’t just a purely “Roman” process, but something that requires Remus’ constant stream of ideas on one side and Logan’s realistic approach on the other.

However, it’s still a bit too early to talk about that: Thomas needs to grow, Roman needs to grow. For now, I would start by showing little by little how Remus’ suggestions can potentially be useful, if properly developed and tamed.

And we can do it thanks to Nico.

Some time passes between the first and the second Aside. Thomas and Nico starts to date, everything is good.

But Thomas is still insecure, because of what Virgil said to him in FWSA: “Will deceit continue to be the answer to all of your problems? Is that fair to (Nico)?”. So he tries to be as much honest as possible with Nico, to the point of ending up being brutally honest sometimes. Nico would be a bit weirded out by this behaviour, but accept it with a shrug.

So, since things are going so well, Thomas wants to make it official. To finally be boyfriends and not just two-people-who-see-each-other-and-kinda-like-each-other.

And that’s where Logan and Remus would come into play. Thomas’ thoughts about Nico would get Remus’ attention and the sudden brainstorming session would get Logan’s. The first would poke Thomas for his less chaste thoughts, all while suggesting weird, inappropriate ways Thomas can ask Nico to be boyfriends. The second wouldn’t tear down Remus’ suggestions, but work around them, show their flaws and how they cannot work.

This back and forth will lead to Thomas realizing what he can do and how. And this solution wil be the good one: Thomas would ask Nico to be boyfriends and Nico would accept.

Third Aside: Janus and Patton

Until now, we saw two kind of cooperations: Roman and Virgil’s is based on feelings and “pushing” each other through their emotions. Logan and Remus’ is a cooperation “in power”: they work well together and we just got a glimpse of how fruitful this cooperation will be in the future.

In this Aside we will see a third kind of cooperation: the most stable and balanced one. We would see how well Janus and Patton would steer Thomas together, how they’re able to talk and compromise, how they’re gradually smoothing their most extreme points of view for Thomas’ sake. And we would see them getting along well, despite their differences.

But why showing it now? Because this would be the perfect moment in time to show it. Because now Thomas is in an official relationship: things are getting real and there are A LOT of decisions that should be taken every day. Janus and Patton’s guidance would shine and prove how a cooperation between Sides isn’t just possible, but it leads to big, better results.

And it would also prove that Roman and Virgil’s fear in FWSA (that Thomas was using deceit to solve all his problems) was without merit. Janus’ power isn’t as uncontrollable as they thought. On the contrary, with Patton’s morals balancing it and when properly used, lying help Thomas achieve more. His relationship with Nico grows stronger.

Things are going well.

_______________________________________

SANDERS SIDES - ENDING OF SEASON 2 PART 1

I’ve got an idea in the back of my mind for a while about how things can get worse and it’s something like this:

As we saw in the Asides, Thomas and Nico’s relationship is going well. Things moved very fast, yes, but they really like each other, so it’s okay.

One day, Nico says he wants to introduce Thomas to his family. Despite an initial peak in anxiety (a subtle way to show us that Virgil has problems with change in general), Thomas accepts to meet them.

Thomas is getting ready with Roman and Virgil. Virgil is - guess what - anxious about this meeting, but he’s also all butterflies in the stomach. Roman is absolutely delighted and keeps circling around Thomas, suggesting him what to wear, what to say, how to move: in other words, the whole “Himbo hopelessly in love” starter pack.

For a while, the meeting is going smoothly. Then Roman and Virgil notice how, once in a while, Thomas drops a lie. Something like “The food is delicious” when it’s not or “what a beautiful dress” even if it’s hideous. And the two Sides get worried. Once again, they try to force Thomas to stop lying, because Lying Is Always Bad and there can’t be true love with lies.

Still insecure and pushed by them, Thomas stops lying. He inevitably ends up saying something offensive/extremely mean and/or he ends up acting so badly the meeting has to end. Nico finds an excuse to justify Thomas’ behaviour with his parents (something on the line of “Thomas is very tired”) and Thomas is forced to leave.

When he comes back home, the discussion is inevitable. Roman and Virgil straight up blame Thomas for lying in the first place, because he wouldn’t have messed up so much, if he was honest from start.

But when Janus appears to defend Thomas and tells them lying IS useful in some circumstances, the situation escalates quickly. The two Sides attack Janus, blaming him for everything and making heavy statements on how deeply he corrupted Thomas/Patton or something similar. On the other hand, Janus attacks them back. They throw words at each other, things are starting to get pretty serious...

And just when the situation reaches its climax, Patton appears. He takes Janus’ side, he explains why lying is useful - especially during formal circumstances like meeting your boyfriend’s family because you want to be accepted, not to be seen as a complete jerk - and he bluntly tells Morality is HIS job, not Virgil’s nor Roman’s.

In this standstill, Thomas’ phone rings. It’s Nico. He wants to talk with Thomas about the evening. Janus suggests a simple lie (I was tired/long day at work), but Nico tells Thomas this isn’t the first time something similar happened - thus reminding us about all of Thomas’ “bursts of honesty” we saw in the second Aside. Honesty that wasn’t seen as such by Nico, but as weird, mean behaviours from the guy he likes.

So when Thomas tries to justify himself with some lie, Nico stops him. He tells Thomas he thought about a lot of stuff, after the meeting ended. He thought about their relationship. He thought about Thomas’ behaviour. Maybe they should’ve dated more, before becoming boyfriends. Maybe they moved too fast. Maybe introducing Thomas to his parents was the wrong choice. Maybe they should think a bit more. And maybe they should take some time for themselves to think about what they want to do, before going further with this relationship.

Nico hangs up. Janus is speechless. Thomas is on the verge of crying. Patton is heartbroken. Virgil is shocked.

And Roman is absolutely devastated. The love he wanted so badly, this happiness he desperately needed, is now in danger. Instead of strengthening the relationship, everything he did only managed to worsen it.

Roman sinks down and locks himself in his room.

_______________________________________

SANDERS SIDES - ENDING OF SEASON 2 PART 2

We already had a Side ducking out and a Side welcoming the others in his room so, for this third time, we should try something different. And what’s better than Thomas & his Sides trying to break into Roman’s room?

Remus might appear for a while, just to help them get inside and leave. There are already a lot of issues Roman has to face now: his relationship with Remus can wait season 3.

So we have Thomas, Virgil, Patton and Janus all in Roman’s room. And the confrontation can finally take place.

Roman will talk about his issues, his low self-esteem and how he feels constrained by Patton’s morals. He will finally admit how he desperately wanted to go to the callback and how confused he was by morals, when he first sided with Janus, only to be blamed for not siding with him in the following episode. He would start seeing the problem with his black/white mentality and we would have a nice, mature moment with Patton apologizing for giving Roman this mentality - while promising he will grow to be a better Morality. We would also have Roman and Janus properly apologize to each other for everything they said and finally work things out.

And we can end it like this. It could be a nice ending, with some conflicts solved, others still to solve and a lot of hope for the future. Patton would feel even more motivated to keep up with his growth, because he’s not doing it just for himself but for Roman too. Roman would feel better, because now he knows no one will blame or mock him for his insecurities - on the contrary, they would still be by his side no matter what. Janus would learn that cooperation is necessary and that he should keep doing it, because this is the right choice.

And Virgil... well, Virgil would drop hints everywhere about his upcoming “second arc”.

In the first livestream after FWSA, Thomas hinted at a possible “second arc” for Virgil. So, since we have a whole season to fill, I would move Virgil’s arc, his confrontation with Janus and all the dark sides’ dynamics into the beginning of the third season. For now, Virgil may hint at a future confrontation with Janus that should happen in the first episode of season 3.

And what about Thomas?

Thomas would accept Nico’s decision and write him that he will take this time to become a better man. We may even close the episode with Nico smiling for this message, proving that he’s not mad at Thomas, he still loves him and that their relationship isn’t ended at all.

Then, we would have the end card.

And the end card would feature the Side I purposely took away from the whole season two finale. Logan.

After starring in the second Aside, Logan should completely disappear for the following two episodes and for the finale. No one should mention him or even think about him. He wouldn’t appear at all. Until now.

We would see him in a room, looking at the last episode of season 2 on Youtube. His face would be completely expressionless and he wouldn’t say a word, because the only voices would be the ones coming from the pc. The camera would slightly move to show a figure behind him. A small refocus of the camera on a little orange accent on this figure’s clothes.

And bam, the end. No explanations, no voices, nothing else. Just this. Because this would drive the fandom insane. Did Logan know Orange was behind him? Were they watching the episode together? Was Orange trying to kill him or what? What would happen? All questions that would accompany us while waiting for season three.

_______________________________________

And this is how I think the next Asides and the ending of season two will play out. Of course this is pure speculation and the next Aside might be about something completely new that makes my whole plot useless - but hey, that would mean a whole new theory to elaborate :D

In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed my thoughts! And for all the readers, well, feel free to add your own thoughts here about how the events will play out! Maybe one of us will get them right, who knows?

[qqueenofhades]

so…now that we all know what you DISLIKE about star wars (and 400% fairly so, you have my full support here)…

what drew you into the universe, what keeps you around?

favorite characters, ships (OTPs or actual spaceships lol), overall themes, do you have a favorite random weird creature or robot that you adore? whatever you wanna talk about!

go off honey (again, but supportively 💖💖💖)

tax paid: the very nerdy star wars punk vest i made and the even nerdier matching vest i made for starsky

Lmaooo, entirely valid. You were like "star wars?" and I was like the drunk person at the bar who can't stop shouting about how much their ex sucks. But now that I have gotten all that off my chest, let's talk about why I love it (since if I didn't love it, I wouldn't have such strong opinions). Basically my feelings on the OG SW trilogy are similar to my feelings on the OG LOTR trilogy, as that tumblr post floating around somewhere put it: sure, they have flaws, but also, they're perfect. I have a complicated relationship with the prequels, as do we all, since George Lucas cannot write dialogue or direct actors to save his life (stick to what you're good at, George, hire other people to do the rest), but even they have their moments. Like. Hit me with that "Across the Stars" love theme, John Williams. Gahh. Just like that.

Because... Star Wars wasn't actually this omnipresent corporate global entertainment monolith when it started out. It was a dorky low-budget indie sci-fi film in the 1970s which everyone thought was going to bomb. But it told a simple and compelling story in an interesting way, everyone agrees that ESB is one of the best films/sequels ever made, and then ROTJ gave it a happy ending while it was still okay to do that. My main thematic gripe with the Disney trilogy (I will try to keep those to a minimum, lol, but I have to bring it up to compare) is that it very clearly fell into the "actual happy endings are naive and unrealistic and a cynical postmodern audience won't accept anything less than things being Bad" trap that, yet again, we have GOT to thank for. It obviously existed to some degree before that, but GOT blew it up to huge levels, where the only valid situation or character is that which is Grimdark and Depressing. Which, in my view, misses the heart and soul of what SW is all about??

Like. ESB is genuinely dark. ANH was this fun plucky little sci-fi film where the scrappy good guys won the day against the Nazi stand-ins, as they were supposed to, and then ESB comes along (speaking of John Williams, let us all chant together, DUH DUH DUH DUHDUHDUH DUHDUHDUH, DUH DUH DUH DUHHHH DUHHH DUHHH DUHHHH) and things go... wrong. Leia and Han are on the run for most of the movie, then get captured and tortured by the Empire and and betrayed (however unwillingly) by Lando. The Rebellion is attacked on Hoth (I tell you, those fuckin AT-AT walkers were SCARY when you see it as a young kid for the first time), and forced into hiding. Luke loses his hand, doubts Obi-Wan and Yoda and realizes that his mentors are fallible, makes dumb mistakes, and of course gets hit with The Most Famous Line In Movie History. But it's also just adrenaline and excitement. THE ASTEROID FIELD! THE HAN-LEIA BANTER! THE FIRST LUKE-VADER DUEL! THE FACT THAT YOU HEAR TWO FRICKING NOTES OF THE IMPERIAL MARCH AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAHHHH!

But also then... Return of the Jedi. It gets shat upon for the Ewoks and reusing the Death Star as the Big Bad and being supposedly cheesy and not as Thematically Dark as ESB. Which is all kinda silly, in my opinion, but also, can we talk about Luke Skywalker's character arc and how he chooses possibly the most radical compassion ever demonstrated by a hero in an action movie, let alone a space opera. He insists that Anakin Skywalker is still in there somewhere and puts his own neck on the line to prove it. Luke doesn't save the galaxy by being a Badass Jedi. He saves it by throwing away his lightsaber and saying "I will not fight you, Father." He saves it by trusting that even in the depths of darkness, Anakin can come back from the charred ruins of Darth Vader and finally do what he was supposed to do all along. He can end Palpatine for good and all (we don't talk about "Somehow Palpatine has returned" because it's nonsense, obviously). Anakin can avenge the Jedi and what was done to him and all the lies he believed and the pain he wreaked on the galaxy, even then. It's not too late. It's not too late. Like. I don't care if this is Lightweight or Childish or whatever. It makes me CRY every time I watch it. Especially the moment where Luke takes off Anakin’s helmet and sees how ruined he actually is under there, and yet the downfall and death of the trilogy’s chief villain is not triumphant at all but instead utterly heartbreaking. “You were right about me Luke... tell your sister... you were right.”

Excuse me, I need to just /CRIES INTENSELY/

Luke won't be tempted to the dark side for his own sake, but Leia's ("If you will not join me, then perhaps she will"). I likewise hold firmly that Anakin/Vader is one of the best movie villains/antiheroes of all time and likewise have many feelings and Strong Opinions about his arc, prequel writing clumsiness and eye-rollingly tepid love story aside. (See: he and Obi-Wan were deeply in love and in a way they still are, don't @ me. I have no problems with Padme and obviously stan Natalie Portman at all times, but Anakin and Obi-Wan’s relationship is the real love story, the heart of the prequels, and in some ways even the subsequent movies, the end.) And “so this is how democracy dies, with thunderous applause” is... raw af as a line. For being in a Star Wars prequel movie. What?? (Also, the Revenge of the Sith novelization had no business being as good as it was. If only that dude had also written the movie.)

Anyway, my point is: the OG trilogy had plenty of moments of staggering emotional weight and where things genuinely sucked for the good guys and the outcome wasn’t entirely clear. The difference is that it didn’t choose to dwell on them, and it allowed for a transformative fictional space where a happy ending, fiercely fought for and squarely earned, was the right outcome. We didn’t need to go back thirty years later and make everything suck for fear that a cynical modern audience couldn’t connect with it otherwise. (Like I said, we didn’t need the new movies at all, but Disney heard that Cha-Ching of the Almighty Dollar). Star Wars was sci-fi, sure, but it also had the fantasy elements that allowed a happy ending to be the right choice for what we saw the characters go through and the philosophy that carried us through the original trilogy.

Likewise it’s just... Peak as far as dynamics go. C-3PO the fussy metal butler who worries about Everything and R2-D2 who is the droid embodiment of YOLO? Flawless. Sassy scruffy space pirate and badass politician warrior princess bicker constantly, butt heads, drive each other crazy, and then fall in love? Iconic. (And has shaped my ship tastes for... all of eternity, oops.) The above-discussed transformation of Luke Skywalker, whiny ordinary teenage kid, to the truly great man who fulfills what Obi-Wan, Yoda, AND the rest of the entire Jedi order couldn’t manage to do, because of their own flaws and blind spots and black-and-white moral views that didn’t know what to do with a man who loved as passionately as Anakin Skywalker, for better or for worse? The guy who managed to save the galaxy with love? STAN.

So... what? The Disney trilogy decides to retcon all that, throw everything that they’ve fought for out the window, make Han, Leia, and Luke miserable and rejecting the roles they grew into in the original trilogy, and die without ever really reuniting or seeing each other again as a trio? The underlying message was that “these happy endings aren’t satisfactory/realistic/sophisticated enough” and idk, maybe it’s just the shitshow of the last few years, but I’d like to see some entertainment that had the cojones to tell me that despite all the darkness and despair, maybe there’s a chance for hope. (”Rebellions are built on hope,” thank you Only Valid New Star Wars Movie Rogue One.) And Rogue One worked so well, despite being utterly GUTTING as all the heroes died one by one, because we knew what was coming next (A New Hope) and that their sacrifice was going to be worth it. I don’t care if that’s “realistic” or not. As I’ve said before, that’s what stories are for, and if I only wanted things that were Real Life, I would only read the news. Besides, the idea that happy endings never happen in reality is equally bullshit. We as a culture need to accept that more, instead of finding reasons to tear everything down.

So just... yes. The original trilogy might have flaws, but also, it’s perfect. And do I want to rewatch it all now? Kinda.

(Anyway. I warned you this was gonna be long. Oh look, it’s long, and I’m sure there is even more I could say, but still. Ahem.)

sleepover weekend asks

[hd-wireless]

🎶 H/D WIRELESS FEST - REVEALS 🎶

At last, the day you’ve been waiting for! It’s the REVEALS! 

Come check out the talented people who created your favourite Wireless fics and artworks!

Massive thanks once again to all the 54 creators of our 64 works (yes some people created multiple works! Special mention to cloudlesslysky who wrote FIVE fics!). And thanks also to all the readers, betas and supporters of H/D Wireless! It’s been a bumper year!

Without further ado...

🎶 H/D Wireless Art 🎶

📻 Stuck on the Bridge Between Us (G)  by pygmy_puffy @pygmy-puffy

🎵 Song prompt: Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan

🎵 Summary: finding the courage within themselves to be vulnerable, so they can stop hurting the other and start loving each other as they so deeply want and need to

📻  So Let's Dance, Take a Chance, Understand Me (T) by Dazed_and_Inked @dazedandinked

🎵 Song prompt: T.Rex, Get It On

🎵 Summary: The War is over and everything has changed.

After a few of years of travelling around the world, Harry decided to move to Muggle London, looking for peace and a place where the scar on his forehead doesn’t have a meaning. His new flat is in a perfectly normal neighbourhood close to the centre, quiet during the day but full of students at night.

He really likes the small bar down the road, a place that serves cheap, awful drinks and plays good old classics. It’s always crammed with people talking, laughing or dancing along with the riff of electric guitars.

From the first time he crossed the threshold, Harry thought it was perfect, the right mix of noise and warmth to be alone without feeling alone. Just what he needed.

He couldn’t imagine that someone else was there for the very same reason, looking for a place where the Dark Mark was only a tattoo.

Blame it on the alcohol, on the music or whatever you want, but when Harry’s eyes landed on Draco’s slim figure, swaying on the dancefloor, something warm and inexplicable possessed him. 

📻  The Pass (T) by julchen_in_red @julcheninred

🎵 Song prompt: The Pass, by Rush

🎵 Summary: Draco, lost in darkness, seeks a guiding light.

📻  If you knew… (T) by gnarf @gnarf

🎵 Song prompt: Young Folks from Peter Bjorn and John

🎵 Summary: The war had left scars on all of them.  Some were obvious. Some only if they looked closely. But the worst ones were those they couldn't see. Those that were hidden inside.

📻  an ode to the boy i love (G) by nettleforest @nettleforest

🎵 Song prompt: Animal - Troye Sivan

🎵 Summary: an evocation of vulnerability, trust and tenderness

📻  Home Sweet Home (G) by gnarf @gnarf

🎵Song prompt: Radioactive - Imagine Dragons

🎵 Summary: In the middle of a Zombie apocalypse Harry made it his main goal to find a safe home for Draco and himself.

📻  Turn back time (T)  bt erlasart @erlasart

🎵 Song prompt: If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher

🎵 Summary: Draco's had a rough few years, if that's what you call falling in with a bad lot, attempted murder and a close brush with death. Now facing the weight of his misdeeds, Draco tries to pinpoint when it all went wrong.

📻  Time to Get Out (T)  by SoldSeperately @secretartlair

🎵 Song prompt: My House - PVRIS

🎵 Summary: A few years post-war, Pansy convinces Draco to go on a night out at a muggle club. They run into some familiar faces.

🎶 H/D Wireless Art and Fic 🎶

📻  A Different Kind of Meaning (E, 17k) by p103 @p103 (art by Zigster)

🎵 Song prompt: Outnumbered - Dermot Kennedy

🎵 Summary: The ceiling doesn't hold any answers, but there are cobwebs scattered across the corners with shadows tangled in their threads. The rug against his back is rough and scratchy, threadbare and devoid of colours other than various shades of brown. Harry takes it all in, absorbs the dingy and depressed state of his home. There's a pointed moment of decision, a note about to be played, a silence about to end, and then he rolls to his feet and sets to cleaning.

It's the first constructive thing he's done in years. 

📻  Keep Holding On (M, 33k) by gnarf @gnarf (fic) and MaesterChill @maesterchill (art)

🎵 Song prompt: Welshly Arms - Sanctuary

🎵 Summary: After the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry and Draco both fall into their own battles with their mental states. Draco is sent to Azkaban, and Harry turns to drinking, hoping to forget.

Months later, Harry visits St Mungo’s new ward on request of a friend, only to find Draco in a deep vegetative state.

Not willing to give him up, Harry stays by his side, while simultaneously dealing with the Ministry's newest grand idea to make everything worse.

Making new alleys, and losing old ones on the way, would hopefully be worth it in the end.

📻 Fic : Modern Love (E, 61k) by tackytiger @tackytigerfic

📻 Art : Our Love Song (G) by chachisoo @creeeee

🎵 Song prompt: Modern Love by David Bowie

🎵 Fic summary: Harry Potter, of all people, knows that life isn’t always fair. And no one gets to be happy all of the time. But surely there’s something more—something better—than a rubbish Ministry job, and a lonely old house, and that feeling that everyone out there is doing a better job of living than Harry is.

And it really doesn’t seem fair that Draco Malfoy is back in Harry’s life, all of a sudden, and even though he’s wandless, and living with Muggles, and making his mother cry with his lifestyle choices, he’s happy. So what's he doing right, that Harry isn’t?

Because things don’t really change, do they? And if Harry can’t be happy, he’ll settle for a good night’s sleep, some posh antiques, and the opportunity to find out what Malfoy has been up to for all these years.

And that’s what starts it all.  

🎵 Art summary: Harry and Draco enjoying a Sunday morning bus ride in London.

📻  For the Thousandth Time (T, 14k) by bluefay @thesleepiesthufflepuff (fic) and mehroomiyat (art)

🎵 Song Prompt: Lucky by Aurora

🎵 Summary: When Draco's wand refuses to work after the war, he turns to Harry for help. 

📻 Fic : Returning Tides (E, 24.5k) by Zigster @zigster-ao3

📻 Art : Love Will Tear Us Apart (G) by Zigster @zigster-ao3

🎵 Song prompt: Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division 

🎵 Fic summary: 

Is my timing that flawed? Our respect run so dry? Yet there's still this appeal That we've kept through our lives

🎵 Art summary: Art piece to accompany the fic ‘Returning Tides’, based on the song claim, 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' by Joy Division ***** Harry's brooding while straddling a motorbike. Need I say more?

📻  That Sweet Sweet Craving (E, 33.2k) by TheUltimateUndesirable @ultimateundesirable

🎵 Song prompt: Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons 

🎵 Summary: Harry is miserable living a lie because he thinks being a gay role model is wrong. Fake dates raising money for a charity that ends up putting him in a situation he had never expected. Draco Malfoy appears back in his life by some odd chance trying to flip his world upside down and he isn't sure it's a good thing. Malfoy always worked that way to him. Mental health issues, sex, escaping, and that sweet sweet craving of happiness.

🎶 H/D Wireless Fic 🎶

📻  Follow the Water (T, 38.2k) by xanthippe74 @xanthippe74

🎵 Song prompt: “Follow the Water” by Calexico/Iron & Wine

🎵 Summary: Harry Potter’s life is fine. Maybe a little dull and predictable, but he shouldn’t complain about that, right? When he unexpectedly finds himself at Luna’s house one afternoon, Harry gets invited to join the secret wonderland that she’s creating with a surprising group of friends. Maybe a summer outdoors is just what a former hero needs to bring some zest back into his life.

📻  Life goes not backward (T, 8.8k) by shealwaysreads @shealwaysreads 

🎵 Song prompt: Daughter by Loudon Wainwright

🎵 Summary: Harry still isn’t used to gifts, but this one is different.

A story of coming home, finding safe ground, and the wild courage of putting down roots.

Leaving one life behind isn’t always a sacrifice, and sometimes the greatest good comes from embracing the people you love. 

📻  The Way We Used To Love (E, 5.3k) by Zzzara @big-draco-energy

🎵 Song prompt: 'Used to Love' by Martin Garrix & Dean Lewis

🎵 Summary: Is there hope when what is not enough for the one happens to be too much for the other? 

📻  but if you close your eyes (T, 3.3k) by cloudlesslysky @cloudlesslysky 

🎵 Song prompt: Pompeii by Bastille

🎵 Summary: The New Magic Order is trying to take over Wizarding Britain. They're not the Death Eaters, but they're not any better either.

The lines of alliance have shifted, but Harry is still on the front lines working tirelessly to stop them.

📻  Haunt the corner of my eye (T, 23k) by harryromper @harryromper

🎵 Song prompt: Echoes of You - Marianas Trench

🎵 Summary: Harry’s life is very much on track. After a successful career as an Auror, he’s set to become the youngest ever Minister for Magic. But strange things are starting to happen at Grimmauld Place. Items he doesn’t recognise are appearing left and right, and somehow he never feels quite alone. There’s only one thing Harry knows for sure: it has something to do with Draco Malfoy.

📻  Now that the spring is in the air (T, 5.7k) by cloudlesslysky @cloudlesslysky 

🎵 Song prompt: Seasons in the Sun by Westlife

🎵 Summary: A surprise attack in Diagon Alley leaves Draco struggling to make peace with the fact that he won't live long enough to experience his own wedding.

📻  Seven Days to Monday (M, 11.7k) by static_abyss @static_abyss

🎵 Song prompt: Say Something - A Great Big World

🎵 Summary: There are seven days before Harry has to meet Draco for the final signing of their divorce papers. It's been months and the surprise at finding nothing but more cold sheets and an empty pillow next to him still catches Harry unaware. He doesn't know where they go from here. Whether it's possible to go anywhere after everything that's happened between them.

📻  Blond Brew (E, 30.4k) by MicheleBlack @micheleblack

🎵 Song prompt: “Blondes” by Waterparks

🎵 Summary: A blond roast with soy milk makes Draco's morning, but a pair of green eyes makes his week.

📻  A Series of Nonsensical Events (T, 12.8k) by CoffeeCurse @coffee-curse

🎵 Song prompt: My Gospel by Charlie Puth

🎵 Summary: Malfoy is up to something. When Harry and the other Aurors are called into a Gringotts break-in and find him the culprit, Harry’s at a total loss.

But things only get weirder from then on.

📻  Ignore the Truth (E, 2.6k) by static_abyss @static_abyss

🎵 Song prompt: Dangerously - Charlie Puth

🎵 Summary: "Longtime on-again-off-again lovers Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy were caught in a compromising position in one the Ministry's lifts yesterday evening. While fans of the couple are optimistic, there's still doubt as to whether or not this particular reconciliation will last. When asked directly about the nature of his relationship with Draco Malfoy, the Boy Who Lived had simply this to say, 'Fuck right off, we're busy.'"

- The Daily Prophet, "Love Is In The Air," 28th Oct. 2005.   

📻  Your Daddy Knows (You're A Flame) (E, 27.8k) by Ladderofyears @ladderofyears

🎵 Song prompt: Babyfather by Sade (2010)

🎵 Summary: It's just over a week until Draco's twenty-fifth birthday party and Harry Potter is a busy wizard. Amongst all the excitements of fatherhood, work and friends, Harry realises something special about his husband Draco. He is pregnant with their second, much wanted baby.

There's only one problem: Draco is entirely oblivious to the fact and seems determined to remain so. 

📻  Don't search me in here (E, 6.7k) by Sassy3 @sassy-sassy3

🎵 Song prompt: Gone - Charlie XCX & Christine and the Queens

🎵 Summary: Draco spotted him in a corner, crowded by Ministry employees. He looked like an animal, trapped in a cage. He had a strained smile on his , and his eyes were looking everywhere else than on the people in front of him.

Draco can’t quite help himself, watching Potter from afar. Just out of curiosity, of course. He’s happy with his life, nothing is missing, and if he’s lonely it’s entirely by choice. 

📻  I Can Be Your Lighthouse (T, 4k) by orpheus87 

🎵 Song prompt: The Lighthouse by The Used

🎵 Summary: When Harry gets called to investigate reports of Dark magic, the last thing he expects to find is an almost unconscious Draco Malfoy. After multiple instances, he resolves to find out what's going on.

📻  Drop Everything Now (T, 21k) by parkkate @parkkate

🎵 Song prompt: Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift

🎵 Summary: After accidentally bonding himself to Malfoy, Harry finds himself in an utterly precarious situation… 

📻  No one fucks with us (T, 3.3k) by Laura_Sinele @laurasinele

🎵 Song prompt: NFWMB by Hozier

🎵 Summary: Draco Malfoy wonders for how long has Harry Potter been a terrifying force of nature. Harry Potter thinks Draco Malfoy has been a badass MF all along. If the world has to end so they can have some peace and quiet, be it. They'll set it on fire.

📻  Will You Stay with Me? (M, 10.2k) by EvAEleanor @eva-eleanore

🎵 Song prompt: ‘Run’ - Daughter

🎵 Summary: Ten months ago, Draco had found none other than Harry Potter blindly drunk and bleeding outside a Muggle pub. He'd brought him home and hasn't left his side ever since. He looked after him, took care of him when yet another nightmare plagued him. 

Harry is sure that Draco will leave him at some point, and he can’t let it happen. He can’t have another person leaving his life unexpectedly. So, Harry forces him to leave — after they spend one last night together.

📻  until the sun has changed the colour of my hair (T, 4.9k) by cloudlesslysky @cloudlesslysky 

🎵 Song prompt: Jag saknar dig mindre och mindre - Melissa Horn

🎵 Summary:  Draco's life has been one big mess ever since Potter broke up with him. He doesn't want to see his friends, he's too ashamed to see his parents, and his apartment is one giant mess. He's constantly prepared for disaster, and spends his time either alone in Muggle parks or in his apartment. But one day... One beautiful day... He will forget Harry, surely.

📻  Love Found (E, 7.5k) by peachpety @peachpety

🎵 Song Prompt: I Found, by Amber Run

🎵 Summary: During Harry’s sixth year, Draco Malfoy joins the Order as a double-agent and continues with his task to get the Death Eaters into the castle as assigned by Voldemort. Draco succeeds with his mission the evening Harry returns from the caves with Dumbledore. The boys reunite on the Astronomy Tower and, with the Death Eater’s arrival, are forced to engage in a fight, driving Harry to come to terms with his feelings about true friendship and romantic love.

📻  On the Third Day He Took Me to the River (M, 14.4k) by pixiedustatsundown @pixiedustatsundown 

🎵 Song prompt: 'Where the Wild Roses Grow - Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds ft. Kylie Minogue'

🎵 Summary: This is a story of two lonely young men falling in love.

This is a story about dreams and duty, about witches that give purpose to the one and doom the other.

You think you know how the story goes, but this is a different story, and it doesn't end well. 

📻  (When They Only Hear You Whisper) I'll Be Loud For You (T, 2.8k) by VeelaWings @veelawings

🎵 Song prompt: There for You - Martin Garrix/Troye Sivan

🎵 Summary: Potter must have been having nightmares again. He was restless in his bed across the room. Moonlight shone through his open bed curtains and highlighted the contours of his body, the grimace on his face blatant. His thick blanket was kicked down, one leg still covered by his twisted sheet, the musk of his sweat pungent in their small dorm. Low grunts accounted for the majority of the noise he made, but it was peppered by the occasional groan or unclear shout of words. However, ‘No,’ was always clear.

Draco hated it. 

📻  The Interview (T, 17.3k) by Cibee (Cibeeeee) @cibeewastaken

🎵 Song prompt: Just Say Yes - Snow Patrol

🎵 Summary: One interview had Draco realizing how naïve he was for thinking he deserved Harry. 

📻  Lookalike (M, 1.4k) by Zzzara @big-draco-energy

🎵 Song prompt: 'Lookalike' by Conan Gray 

🎵 Summary: When you look in his eyes, Do you think of mine? And when you look at that smile, Do I cross your mind? I know in your head You see me instead 'Cause he looks a lot like I did back then Baby, don't lie, He's just a lookalike... ©

📻  As Fascinating As a Slap Bracelet (T, 13.2k) by acupforslytherin @acupforslytherin 

🎵 Song prompt: Have It All - Jason Mraz

🎵 Summary: Who would have thought that a wacky little Muggle toy would lead to an unlikely friendship between Harry and Draco? Not Harry, certainly.

Who would have thought that this friendship would bloom into something more? Well, Ron, for one. 

📻  If Sex Is the Drug, Then What Is the Cost (E, 3.8k) by EvAEleanor @eva-eleanore

🎵 Song prompt: I Almost Told You That I Loved You - Papa Roach

🎵 Summary: For quite some time, Harry has been seeing Malfoy. Well... Actually, he's hired Malfoy, to keep him company, in his bedroom. It's only sex — honestly — and since Malfoy is the best, he's the only person Harry wants. That's all it is, right? 

📻  I Grow Fonder Every Day (M, 21.6k) by Drarrelie @drarrelie

🎵 Song prompt: One and Only by Adele

🎵 Summary: Draco still doesn’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse, sharing a flat in Muggle London with Harry Potter.

It’s all Draco’s ever wanted — more than he’d ever wished for. And if it entails suppressing his inconvenient feelings for the man, so what? He’s perfectly happy with his life as it is, perfectly content with just having Potter close and enjoying his company.

That is, until one Friday evening at the beginning of April when the end starts. 

📻  How Can I Live Without you? (G, 2.2k) by ununquadius @ununquadius 

🎵 Song prompt: "So Far Away", by Avenged Sevenfold

🎵 Summary: After Draco's death, Harry wonders how can he live without the one he loves when he's so far away.

📻  Following the Arrow to Your Heart (E, 10.9k) by goddessofthehearth 

🎵 Song prompt: Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran

🎵 Summary: After the war, Draco is recruited into the Department of Love (aka Cupid's Arrow). His job is to bring together witches and wizards whose magical signatures are only compatible with each others' (essentially soulmates). As they all learned during training, Cupids are chosen because they do not have soulmates.

Six years later, Draco's convinced himself that he's perfectly fine with not having a soulmate. But his latest client turns out to be Harry Potter, and he's forced to reconsider in light of his old feelings.

📻  cos I only need your name to call the reasons why I fought (T, 6.6k) by cloudlesslysky @cloudlesslysky

🎵 Song prompt: War, by Poets of the Fall

🎵 Summary: Ron and Hermione leave the Horcrux hunt, leaving a hurt Harry behind.

But at least Draco is still there with him.

📻  Madness (M, 10k) by tigersilver 

🎵 Song prompt: House of Fun by Madness

🎵 Summary: A desperate search for contraception all around Diagon Alley.

📻  Between Myth and Man (E, 16.2k) by slytherco @slytherco 

🎵 Song prompt: Why'd you only call me when you're high? - Arctic Monkeys

🎵 Summary: Draco, lost and a little broken, navigates post-war reality convinced that people like him should not be allowed to make their own choices. To solve the problem of his self-sabotaging tendencies, he starts taking a few drops of Veritaserum every morning.

A story about the complexity of choices, repressed desires that come to the surface when we least expect them, and the utter hopelessness of truths built on a foundation of lies.

📻  stay awhile (stay here with me) (T, 3.1k) by panicparade @panicissharp​

🎵 Song prompt: I like me better - Lauv

🎵 Summary: "Then when?" Harry tries again. He's not sure if he really wants to see the photo or if he just wants to keep talking to Malfoy. This Malfoy, who is so different from what he was expecting. In his Muggle jeans and smartly pressed sweater, with an air of vulnerability around him that Harry isn't used to seeing, Malfoy looks approachable in a way he never has before.

Harry stops his fidgeting as Malfoy looks up to meet his eyes. Through the hum of the crowded pub, he has to strain a little to hear him. "Maybe," Malfoy starts, hesitating a little but never breaking eye contact, "one day?"

📻  All it needs is messing it up and stars (G, 5.9k) by a_reader_and_writer @harrypotterfanfictionwriter

🎵 Song prompt: Tongue Tied by Faber Drive

🎵 Summary: After the war all the Malfoy's came off with light sentences. Now during 8th year Draco is finally free to be himself and date his crush; Harry Potter. Or at least so he thought..

A letter from his father rips that happiness away.

But maybe in the end it will take just a bit of messing up and some stars to get that happiness back.

📻  I'm gonna let it happen (E, 12.3k) by tomoewantsdolls @tomoewantsdolls 

🎵 Song prompt: Florence + The Machine - Shake it out

🎵 Summary: And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat 'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me Looking for heaven, for the devil in me Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

📻  I feel it in my bones (M, 6.3k) by cloudlesslysky @cloudlesslysky

🎵 Song prompt: Radioactive - Imagine Dragons

🎵 Summary: Harry’s heartbeat is loud in his ears as his heart pounds in his chest. His lungs burn as he pants for air. His legs are screaming in protests as he continues to push them to their limit, forcing himself to run ever faster.

📻  Born in the U.S.A. (M, 9k) by KittyCargo @kittycargo

🎵 Song prompt: I'm on Fire by Bruce Springsteen

🎵 Summary: “You need to come home, Draco.”

“What? Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, I just have an opportunity for you, and you need to come home to take it.”

When Draco's mother insists he comes home, he drags his feet and convinces his friends to take a road trip.

📻  just tell me when it's alright (E, 23k) by M0stlyVoid @bonesliketambourines

🎵 Song prompt: Teeth, Lady Gaga

🎵 Summary: Harry’s been fighting tooth and nail for any bit of normalcy he can get his hands on. He’s sick of feeling like something’s wrong with him, tired of feeling different. He thinks he’s finally gotten to the root of it, and has settled into a routine that makes him happy. Naturally, that’s when Draco Malfoy walks back into his life and upends it once again. Has Harry bitten off more than he can chew with his former rival?

📻  The Courting by the Pureblood Who Only Has Five Milligrams of Romantic Intelligence and Thinks He’s Real Smooth (T, 19.4k) by Cibee (Cibeeeee) @cibeewastaken

🎵 Song prompt: Cupid - Amy Winehouse 

🎵 Summary: Draco could grab Potter and shove him into a stall before proceeding to suck his soul out of his dick, but secretly, deep down, in the part of Draco that he will never admit to anyone, he is (everyone pauses to shudder) a romantic. Potter is not someone Draco wants a one-off with. Potter is — Draco’s beloved!

So Draco decides to boldly go where no one has gone before: to put himself through scrutiny; their friends’ teasing and pranks; unsound romantic advice from a house-elf; wearing pretty clothes; all to try and win Potter’s heart through courtship.

(An unnamed ginger bastard can be heard yelling from afar: “This is actually a detailed guide on how not to court someone!”)

But who cares about the opinions of redheads? Literally no one.

📻  What Will We Do With a Drunken Harry? (E, 4.9k) by Thunder_of_Dragons @thunder-of-dragons

🎵 Song prompt: "Drunken Sailor" by The Irish Rovers

🎵 Summary: A victorious Quidditch match, a claimed Quidditch Cup, and a wild House party can mean only one thing. Will the aftermath lead to one excruciating hangover in the morning, or will it perhaps lead to something more?

📻  Though Your World Is Changing, I Will Be The Same (E, 15.9k) by hephaestiions 

🎵 Song prompt: Slave To Love by Bryan Ferry 

🎵 Summary: “I shower after work,” Harry had told him once when Draco had asked what cologne had such longevity as to be effective after a full day of gruelling Auror work. 

“For me?” Draco had asked. Teased, just a little. There had been a smile lingering on the edges of his consciousness, threatening to traipse onto his mouth. 

“For Ginny,” Harry had said, voice flat. “She hates it when I come back sweaty and crackling with other people’s hexes. Did you know magic has a smell? I didn’t until she told me.”

–

It's all fun and games, till somebody falls in love. Given his luck, it's obviously Draco who has to go and do it.

📻  I Can't Help Falling in Love with You (NR, 4.8k) by readdreamwrite26 @readdreamwrite26

🎵 Song prompt: I can't help falling in love with you - Elvis Presley

🎵 Summary: Harry stood up and set his hand out to Draco. “Dance?” “I didn’t know you danced, Potter.” “Hm, I’ve danced a lot in my time," Harry replied smugly. “How do I know you won’t step on my feet?” “You don’t, but I think the risk will be worth it.”

📻  Searching For a Place to Hide (T, 12.5k) by Erin_Riwen @erin-riwen

🎵 Song prompt: Love Will Keep Us Alive - The Eagles

🎵 Summary: After the war, there were threats against the Malfoys. Needing them kept safe until the trials are over, the Ministry puts them in protective custody but a murder attempt proves there’s a Ministry leak. Desperate, the Ministry decides a safe house is best, but who to trust to keep it secret and keep them safe? Narcissa calls in a life debt, the Minster calls in a favour and Harry Potter wonders why his life continues to hate him. 

Along the way, the Malfoys learn how to be a family again, Harry learns that some things are not how he thought and maybe never were, and the touch-starved boys discover that they may be each other's forever answer.

📻  Isolated Thunderstorms and Scattered Showers (T, 21.3k) by triggerlil @triggerlil 

🎵 Song prompt: Iris - the GooGoo Dolls

🎵 Summary: Post-war, Harry needs space. Everything is too much all at once, and time and time again, he finds himself pulling the invisibility cloak over his head, just for a bit of peace.

Returning for eighth year is hard, especially when you're considered a war hero, and your name is Harry James Potter. It's just that things go a little wonky when Harry starts following Malfoy, and finds that he can't (or doesn't want to) stop.

📻  Kiss It Better (E, 1.5k) by articcat621 @articcat621

🎵 Song prompt: Kiss It Better by Rihanna

🎵 Summary: When Harry's injured, Draco knows there's no place he'd rather be than by his side.

📻  (shut up and) dance with me (T, 7.9k) by punk_rock_yuppie @punk-rock-yuppie

🎵 Song prompt: Shut Up and Dance - Walk the Moon

🎵 Summary: Four dances Harry and Draco share.

📻  In Love with the Ferret (E, 21.9k) by Pineau_noir @pineau-noir 

🎵 Song prompt: I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

🎵 Summary: Harry has never been the most observant bloke. Sometimes to the point of him not realising his feelings for a particular pointy, pale git. And it's not his fault if literally everyone else knows about said feelings except for Harry and the git in question. So it's really not his fault, when faced with the scope of his feelings, he suddenly has a hard time talking to one Draco Malfoy. Or looking him in the eye. Or not being a total weirdo around him.

There's nothing to do but take the advice of his friends and try to woo Draco over dinners with friends, Ministry cases, and an unfortunately named Italian restaurant.

Harry just can't stop the flutter in his chest when he sees Draco smile.

📻  Dance with me? (M, 8.2k) by Aylaar @accioxanxiety

🎵 Song prompt: I Wanna Dance With Somebody - Whitney Houston

🎵 Summary: Draco had given up on love, until one day sitting outside the usual gaudy cafe he frequented 'people watching' he spotted Harry Potter lurking, a suspicious Draco investigates and a series of events ensue.

📻  The Cupid Incident (E, 12.6k) by meandminniemcg @meandminniemcg 

🎵 Song prompt: Can' Get You out of My Head - Kylie Minogue

🎵 Summary: Draco gets into the way of a potions attack and can't get Potter out of his head.

📻  Carouse (E, 19.9k) by Drarryismymuse (Hatchersn) @drarryismymuse 

🎵 Song prompt: Dead by Madison Beer

🎵 Summary: Carouse (verb): To drink plentiful amounts of alcohol and enjoy oneself with others in a noisy, lively way.

Harry finds himself using alcohol in increasingly dangerous ways to cope with the stresses of life. When he is put on leave from work to sort out his issue, he instead falls head first into a lively club scene where he can drink and fuck his worries away. That is, until a certain blond from his past reappears and throws off his entire routine.

Massive well done to all these talented creators - you’ve made this fest utterly spectacular! Take a bow!!

🎙️ Don’t forget to check out the Playlists:

Youtube

Spotify (Provided by @eva-eleanore​ Thank  ypu so much!)

[sukirichi]

— 💌 ; a love letter from @kyriaan

long post below regarding broken records. cw includes adultery, physical assault, toxic relationships, broken records spoilers, and mature content

[ from the ask ] BROKEN RECORDS ; track 005

Okay! I finally had time to actually sit down and properly read chap 5 cause ill be damned and burned if i dont pay special attention to one of my favorite series here! Rather drown or be sting by bees slowly 😒

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙃 I for the first time don't even know where to start so allow me to be all over the place cause my emotions are also all over the place with this chapter ✌️

Ill start by y/n's dad caN GO FUCK HIMSELF? Like okay sir you might have fallen in love with our mom (ill give him the benefit of the doubt regarding his feelings) BUT SIR YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HONEST? FROM THE BEGINNING? ALSO BRUH YOU KIDDING ME??? SIR YOU LEGIT ABANDONED YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER AND THEN YOU PROCESS TO 'LEAVE US' I- YOOOOO I WOULD BITCH SLAP HIM I SWEAR!!

Also ALSO ILL SCREAM FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK NO KID HAS EVER TO BE BLAMED FOR BEING BORN!! Y/n mom's line: 'we have to atone for our sins' its legit BULLSHIT it wad NOT y/n fault her DAD COULDNT KEEP HIS DICK INSIDE HIS PANTS NOR ITS Y/N FAULT THAT HER DAD CHEATED!!! ATONE FOR OUR SINS MY ASS!! the father is the one that has to take responsibility for all this shitty situation we do NOT nor any kid out there in this situation has to be taken accountable by this!!

And now Suna 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 bruh im just gonna cry... Everything he does just makes me heart swell i feel so cozy when i read his parts like how sweet and present he is I- bruh I never had that... Actually seeing y/n breaking up with him when shes clearly falling in love with him just breaks me cause Girl for real Suna would be there for you... I get it shes afraid and shes acting on that fear but girl... Pls he truly loves you deeply not everyone is like your dad. There are happy endings. There are good people Sunas one of them pls 🥺🥺🥺 also MY LOVE TSUMU BEING A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND EVEN THO SUNA GOT THE GIRL BRUH TSUMU I FUCKING LOVE YOU MY CHILDISH YET ADORABLY SMUG BOY 😭😭😭😭😭

Nagisas a bitch btw ✌️ so far i see no redemption not excuse in what she did so far. I get her reasons but that does NOT excuse her behavior. She has to lash out at her cunt of a dad not at a innocent woman who was also a victim all along. Nor even her half sister. I get her mentality behind this but doesnt excuse her behavior at all- its basically the same as being a victim from a bully and playing bully after aswell.

Overall YOU MADE ME CRY AGAIN SUKI! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS BUT ALSO UGH MY HEART SUKI!

[ from suki ] 

BROKEN RECORDS IS UR FAVE SERIES??? babe pls you’re gonna me cry !! nah nah fr his dishonesty caused all this mess. YEAHA SAKLAA tbh I love mama lucy but her words of ‘atoning for their sins’ or her mindset of ‘we don’t deserve to be happy when we’ve hurt others’ really messed up YN. she was only 21 and vulnerable with all the shambles happening in her family + the sudden assault from nagisa, that when her mother said those words, she struggled to let go of it. to her, it became like a final verdict that dictated how she lived her life.

SUNA URGHHH PLEASE GIVE SUNA A CHANCE HE HAS PURE AND GOOD INTENTIONS BUT I CANT BLAME HER EITHER AHSJAKA. and the comparison of nagisa being a bully’s victim only to become the next bully is true. nagisa should lash out at their shitty excuse of a father. ALSO AAAAHH THE NEXT CHAPTER (007) IS WORSE AHSJKAAL

[ from the ask ] BROKEN RECORDS ; track 005

I know shins attractive I mean mans perfect?? Does he even have any flaw?? And the way he cried when he got his jersey MYGOD FHDHFHFJSKS but I still look at him and im like.... Hmmmm nah i wouldnt date him its just not my... Do i dare say type? Cause i dont think i have a type ghfhfisofbd but like I just 🧍‍♀️

I love him i just dont love him i guess

The makeout scene tho ill give you that 🥵🥵🥵 made me bark (i would still walk out next day like was a good fuck kita byeeee🚉🏃‍♀️💨)

... More drama regarding mari... And you said this will have like 10 chapters... And from 8 on will be angsty.... 🙂 *traumatized noises*

[ from suki ] 

YUUHHH KITA IS PERFECT HERE AHSJKAA IDK MAYBE ITS MY SIMPING FOR NAOYA CONVERTED TO KITA ALREADY BEING PERFECT AS HE ALREADY IS AND I AMPED IT UP BCOS THE SIMP MODE IS ACTIVATED AHSKAA. the make out scene !! pls sir i’m on my knees spare some love in ur heart AAAAAAHHHHHH. also. i assure you. businessman! kita got game. he’s gonna make you walk funny if you give him the chance HSJKA

yeah i just finished writing the outline for track7 right now and the drama is HSJKAA it gave me a headache sobs 

[ from the ask ] BROKEN RECORDS ; track 006

I want to give you my usual thoughts on the new chapter and at the same ahm...

I just saw myself on Suna... Deeply....and it kinda slapped me harder than i was expecting...there were too many things from him giving himself to mari/treating her like he wants to be treated... To deleting his best friend from social media thanks to his girlfriend... And it really hurt me ahah..

I would vent but.. Yeah

But yes this chapter i saw myself in suna and i had to take quite the long breaks cause it was getting to me 😅😅😅 also if anything i learned from my experiences is that MARI SCREAMS RED FLAGS and even Osamu can see that pls

I would honestly end Mari there, i wouldnt even bother to just retort i would walk my way into to the damn apartment and fucking take Suna for myself cause Mari does not deserve him. Shes manipulative, and in a way abusive.. Not allowing him to keep contact with his best friend his a total redflag and o know its because Suna had feelings for y/n and vice versa but Suna never gave het a reason to distrust him.

The moment he said he was best friends with y/n and was single she immediately clinged himself to him and for what? To then dump him like he was trash...

He gave himself to her, he proved he was there for her he even took her back this boy deserves the fucking world and its not Mari...

I kinda want to say it's not y/n at this point either cause the way she broke his heart was kinda the same Mari did.. Y/n disregarded his feelings and just broke it up.. Mari disregarded his feelings abd broke it up... But y/n stated from the very beginning that she would eventually break up Mari just shrugged and didn't care so i can in a way forgive y/n i cant forgive mari

Besides y/n was supportive from the beginning while Mari was obsessive and controlling.

Another really insanely well written chapter as usual (albeit this one making me ball my eyes off harder because yeah) but yes~ eagerly waiting for the next one~

Take your time tho 😌🙌

Mari can go fuck off 💗💓💞💕❣️❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍💯💝💖💋💅

Suna x y/n pls

Y/n deserves to have a healthy love life with someone she loves (hence why npt Kita) and loves her back

And Suna deserve the fucking world and be treated right

[ from suki ] 

NAHHHH cuz when you said suna was treating mari the way he wanted YN to treat her... that’s right. on point. they’re all so complicated sobs. MARI IS A WALKING RED FLAG THAT OSAMU CAN SMELL FROM A MILE AWAY. ALSO yes mari is manipulative and borderline possessive when it came to suna. like yeah, let’s be real, she could tell a long time ago that suna was in love with YN and it made her insecure / jealous, but the whole time, YN kept her distance. she was supportive over their relationship from afar as to make mari comfortable. suna also did everything he could to make sure she was well cared for. for three years, he was focused on her and only her. he gave love a second chance despite being brokenhearted. suna never mari a chance to doubt because he, too, was sure he could be happy with her.

until mari left him.

and now suna is back with YN because they will always have each other. but honestly,,,if we think about it, if mari never broke up with suna or at least gave him the chance to explain himself - if mari didn’t do the exact thing YN did to suna years ago - he honestly would’ve been really happy with mari. they were going well. like yeah mari has always been toxic by pushing suna’s boundaries and asking him to unfollow his own best friend on social media, but he did it anyway. because he trusted their relationship. he wanted the best for them. 

also yeah, the parallels between mari and YN were intentional !! 

HEHEHEHE THE KITA X YN SHIP everyone loves them im so happy about that bcos kita is so amazing in my eyes. PREACH FOR THAT THO !! SUNA DESERVES THE BEST. SUNA DESERVES TO BE TREATED RIGHT. HE DESERVES THE WORLD AND SO MUCH MORE

thank you for taking the time to send me this, kya, it means a lot to me and it motivates me to work harder on the future chapters !! <33

[longinglook]

I may or may not have spent my entire Sunday binge watching all of I told sunset about you and Gaya sa pelikula and now I have so many thoughts and feelings that I need to write about them so here we go! Under a read more (if tumblr allows me to) because it’s 2k words hehe

First of all, I knew next to nothing about both shows before starting them. I had seen a couple of gifs here and there, but really had no idea what I was in for.

I started with I told sunset about you, which has 3 episodes out of 5 out. All I knew is that it was going to be beautiful and possibly sad, and it was. Everything about this show is so high quality, from the audio to the dialogue to the locations to the acting, just wow. The production is better than a lot of movies I’ve seen, and every technical aspect is perfect. I am really loving the plot so far as well, I find the childhood friendship to stubborn rivalry to grown up friendship again very relatable. I think it’s a very common experience for a lot of non straight folks to develop an extremely close bond with a same sex friend when you’re too young to realize what you’re actually feeling for them until you’re a lot older and suddely the jealousy and possessivenes all make sense.

I love the recurring themes sprinkled throughout the episodes, starting from the chinese vocabulary that expresses the core thoughts of the two main characters: rival, intimacy, secret, male protagonist, as promised. They could easily be the episode titles, or the names of imaginary sections the show could be divided into. It’s a great way to integrate metaphors and deeper meaning into the plot.

That’s how most of the communication goes in this show, deep emotions are never conveyed through words because words are scary and loud and they can’t be taken back once they’re out there. The plot advances though stares and gestures and touch and gorgeous shots of the landscape. The pace is slow with hour-long episodes that could each be a movie of their own. This worried me a bit before starting, and I have to admit that at times I struggled to stay focused, especially during scenes that set the mood but don’t do much plot-wise. This is just a personal preference, though, and in no way I see it as a flaw. 

The dancing around each other the main characters do, sometimes literal, is frustrating but it determines an emotional build up that’s just starting to reach its peak. This is one of those shows that has me screaming if only they talked to each other, but the silences and unspoken words are so well directed and acted that it works. I struggle a lot with keeping in mind that they’re still in high school, they’re very young and I can’t expect them to act rationally just yet. 

I was really worried about Teh possibly going the insufferable Theory-of-love-khai way, and I am still not 100% sold on him. When he started helping Oh-aew again it felt like he was just doing it to make himself feel better about the whole thing. It was frustrating to see him so possessive and jealous while also so deeply in denial about his own feelings, to the point where he had me rooting for Bas instead. He was getting better, but then he fled at the end of episode 3 and now I have no clue what’s going to happen next. About this, I really have no idea if they’re going for a happy ending or a sad one. I’m really hoping it will be good, because so far there has been barely any emotional payoff for all the repressed longing and misunderstanding the show has put us through.

I do like their dynamic a lot though, I have a weak spot for childhood friends reconnecting and an ever weaker spot for informal mentor/mentee relationships. Oh-aew asking Teh to tutor him until he passes the admission exam was an almost exact mirror of Yuri on ice Yuri begging Victor to be his coach until he retires and I loved that a lot.

Now on to the one issue I have with this show: it feels too much like an art film. It reminds me of Moonlight and Call me by your name, in the way that I wasn’t able to connect with those movies because they are too perfect. They are so beautiful and carefully crafted that I can’t fully immerse myself in them. There’s a filter that stops me from relating to the characters and constantly reminds me that this is not reality. It’s pretty, it’s extremely well done, but it feels like art. It has some quirks, some scenes that feel too artificial. One scene in particular, the one where Teh buries his head in the paper Oh-aew wrote with his coconut scented pen to sniff it, which is a direct parallel to Call me by your name, bothered me in particular. Just as it felt over-the-top and purposefully weird in the movie, so it feels in the show. It’s a way of showcasing how a confused teen deals with attraction he barely understands, it’s raw and animalistic in a way, but it’s so quirky that all it accomplishes is to remind me that I’m watching an lgbt show. It makes me wonder if a scene like this would make sense in a straight relationship because here it seems to highlight how different and primal his attraction is. If I had to pinpoint it, I’d say that I have a problem with media showcasing queerness though peculiar, purposefully awkward scenes like these instead of normal kissing and cuddling.

Overall, I can’t wait to see how this show ends and I still think it’s one of the best bls to air in 2020, if not ever. It’s refreshing to see something with a big budget used well! So far my rating is 8/10, which I know is a lot lower than what everyone else seems to think but it’s still very much subject to change! Just hoping they won’t pull a Make our days count, but I doubt they’ll go there.

And now Gaya sa pelikula. Wow. Again, I knew next to nothing about this show before watching, and I was coming from a 3 hour I told sunset about you binge watch, so the bar was pretty high.

And boy, did this show deliver. I was blown away by the depth and the humor of it. It feels like the writers had fun taking all sorts of common tropes and stereotypes just to show everyone how well they can be evolved and made complex. Two strangers who somehow find themselves sharing an apartment sounds like the start of so many fanfictions out there, but it’s so well executed and interesting that you don’t even stop to think about how weak the premises for their meeting are. It doesn’t matter and it’s not even that far-fetched, either. The sister and the neighbor are also two characters that start off as extra stereotyped, but in just a few scenes they unveil an incredible depth and backstory. It blew me away.

Each character is so realistic. Everything they do and say makes sense, they all have their reasons and their past and they react accordingly, it’s so coherent. It’s impressive how everything takes place inside the house and you barely realize it because things happen and the plot moves anyways, and the way information about external events and people is conveyed is so seamless that you don’t even notice it. In only 7 episodes (so far) they have managed to give everyone a complex background and personality through the use of objects and small details and wow don’t get me started on the music.

The soundtrack is SO GOOD. I never really pay attention to music in shows but it plays a very important role here in my opinion and, well, it’s exactly the kind of music I like listening to and ahhh I just spent 4 hours playing the first kiss song on loop so I might be biased. Right from the start in episode 1, when Karl gives in to Vlad’s music and starts dancing to it, it’s established that it’s an important element to the mood of each scene. I love how the dancing I talked about for I told sunset about you comes back here, but while I saw it as a hesitant dancing around each other there, here it’s the opposite, it’s freeing and it’s about accepting yourself. And the end of episode 6 highlights this, with the beautiful quote “You are entitled to a love that lets you dance without fear and shame.” It made me cry a looooot.

I think the development of their relationship is masterfully done. It doesn’t happen too quickly nor too slowly. Karl goes through some needed shocks that act as his wake up call. When I’m watching bl shows I care the most about them feeling real and relatable. I don’t want to feel like they were written by a straight person trying to guess what it’s like to be gay. Now I didn’t look anything up about the Gaya sa pelikula writers, but I’d be very surprised if they were straight. I can relate to both Karl and Vlad for different aspects of their stories and their worries and thoughts. There was one part in particular that hit so close that I had to take a few breaks because it hurt too much. I am a lesbian, I’ve had relationship with a girl that lasted over a year, I am out to some friends but not all. I never came out to my parents, who are both very open minded and friends with a lot of gay people and would love me just as much if I told them, and yet I can’t. It’s not just that, I am terrified by the idea of them already knowing or being able to guess. When Karl freaked out over his uncle guessing, it hit me so hard because I’ve felt the same way so many times.

Episode 7 was amazing. I hate badly written drama the most, and 99% of shows can’t come up with any good reason for drama but they have to put it in there anyways and it sucks. This was the complete opposite, I adored it and I say this as a lover of fluff. It feels right, I think it’s an issue that would come up between two people like them. They are both right and the only thing that could happen there is what actually went down. I definitely think things will be fixed by the end and I am looking forward to it, but I am very glad this issue was included because it’s so important and so true to many lgbt people’s lives.

Another aspect I absolutely adored are the multiple references to lgbt theory and language, and Vlad has some of the best lines I’ve ever heard coming from a bl. When he tells Karl not to be afraid of the word, when he explains that “you don’t look gay” isn’t a compliment, when he scolds his sister for not acknowledging the things she used to say to him by covering them up with her ally act, those are all such important and educative moments that I hope everyone listens to. I love that Vlad is not correcting some ignorant bad guy, but it’s his accepting and loving friends and family that make the mistakes, because sometimes being supportive your own way isn’t enough if you’re not actively learning from the ones you want to support.

This is a 10/10 for me right now. I can’t find anything I don’t like about it. It never feels boring, it never feels overdone, it never feels cheap or unoriginal. It went straight to the top of my favorite bls.

And now I can’t help but compare the two a bit, because yes they are two different shows but right now the relationships they portray have reached the same point: there has been a climax and now the one who is more confused about his sexuality is panicking and taking a step back. It’s a coincidence that I watched both shows on the same day when their last aired episodes end in such a similar way, but it really leads me to compare the two. I don’t want to put them one against each other or say which one did it better because that’s not the point of this, they are both two amazing and important shows who are excelling in what they’re doing. 

Gaya sa pelikula is down to earth, it’s explicit and it’s straight to the point in explaining what’s going on inside each character’s head. It feels like watching real people deal with real struggles. I told sunset about you is a lot more subtle and quiet, and since we don’t really have a clear insight in the characters’ heads sometimes it’s hard to completely understand what’s going on with them. It’s a completely different way of narrating, and while Gaya sa pelikula makes me feel like I’m a part of the events, I told sunset about you feels like I’m just spectating from an outside perspective. They are different choices, but one of them ends up feeling a lot more emotional to me than the other.

To wrap it up, I highly recommend both shows and I can’t wait to see how they’ll end! They are both among the best shows of the year, both free of all those annoyingly stereotyped characters and plot points that most bls tend to overuse.

[xiaodejunletsact]

launch | mark lee

word count: 25,916 (yikes)

genre: astronaut!au, 1960′s au, angst, fluff, some suggestive content but nothing too crazy, adventure, husband!au, father!au

warnings: death, near death experiences, a lot of crying, emotional baggage

author’s note: hi again!! so im back with a new fic!!i wanna start off by saying that this fic is not meant to belittle anyone’s accomplishments, even though it is based on real events this work is pure fiction, and should be taken as such. I hope you guys like this fic and i know its very long so if you get to the end just know that i love haha thank you!! also, its very possible that tublr will crash if this is opened n mobile so im sorry about that

synopsis: ever since he was a young boy, mark’s dream was to be the first man on the moon. along his journey to accomplish his dream, he finds there are many hardships would have to face in order to succesfully complete his mission and come back home to the love of his life.

Fall, 1949; 20 Years Before Launch

The music playing from the stereo settled in the corner of the living room travels all through the house, mixing with the sound of excited giggles and yelps of children as they play on the floor of Mark’s decorated home, where his eighth birthday party is in full swing. 

The floor is covered in streamers and confetti, a pretty blue cake sits on a clothed table surrounded by bowls of candy, party hats and all types of cheap toys and goodies for the children to take. 

The party was almost perfect, the only flaw being the absence of the birthday boy himself. Mark is currently nowhere to be seen. His mother sighs, having an idea where he could be. 

-

The music can only be heard faintly from where Mark is. The melodies and instruments are replaced with hushed giggles and the thud of his small sock clad feet as he sneaks up to the attic of his house- where he knows his grandfather will be. 

Once he climbs the ladder leading up to the attic, he peeks his head up to see his grandfather hunched over his desk, writing something down before leaning over to take another look out of the telescope that peers out of the open window next to him. The sight of the telescope brings the little boy’s mood up instantly, he had only used it once since his mother told him he couldn’t touch it because it was very expensive and grandpa would be very angry if he broke it. But grandpa can make an exception tonight, right? 

It’s his birthday after all…

“Psst…”

Mark didn’t see this but a smile grazes his grandfather’s face as he hears his grandson’s attempt to get his attention. He decides to tease the boy and pretend not to hear him. 

Seconds later, another hushed noise comes, “Psst… grandpa!”

This time, the old man can’t conceal his chuckle as he turns in his chair to see nothing but top of Mark’s head, his eyes and his little hands peeking over the attic entrance. The way Mark’s eyes scrunch is an indication that he is sporting a sheepish smile now that his grandfather has given him his attention. “Can I come in?”

The man chuckles once again before waving the little boy over, “Of course.” 

Mark quickly climbs up once he had gotten the approval, making his way over to his grandfather’s desk in no time, where his grandfather picks his up and sets his small body on his lap. “Were you not enjoying your party?” 

“I was! I just…” Mark can’t help but side eye the telescope next to the desk in hopes that his grandfather will get the message, which he does. 

With a chuckle he says, “You wanted to come use the telescope?” The words are followed by eager nods from the boy who looks at his grandfather expectedly.

“Why don’t we then?” 

Mark smiles widely before hopping off his lap and hopping to the telescope enthusiastically, his grandfather follows with a slight laugh, shaking his head at how excited his grandson was. (But still secretly glad that he is showing interest in something he himself cares so deeply for). The old man walks towards the telescope that leans half out of the small attic window, his grandson moves out of the way to let his grandfather to set the telescope for him. 

Mark excitedly twiddles his thumbs excitedly while watching him, almost shrieking in excitement when his grandfather moves out of the way and tells him to take a look. 

It's like an explosion. Of all different stars, colors and constellations all for Mark’s eyes to see. The moon peeks from the edge of his peripheral vision, asking for attention. Mark quietly asks his grandfather if he could move the telescope toward the moon. 

When Mark’s eye is pressed against the telescope once again he can’t help but let out a gasp with a wondrous: “wow.” 

The moon stares back at him, gloriously shining and brightening up the night even if it’s just a bit. Mark feels himself falling into a trance. The moon is mesmerizing, he wants to touch it. 

“Grandpa?” Upon hearing a hum of acknowledgement from the old man, he continues. “Has anyone ever touched the moon before?” 

His grandfather chuckles, “Not yet, kiddo.” 

“Yet? So it’s possible?” 

The man nods, “Absolutely. But it will take a long time to make that happen.” 

Mark’s 8-year-old mind is sent reeling. It’s possible! Someone can actually touch the moon. One day at least. Mark doesn’t dare tell his grandfather, but he really really wants to be that someone. 

-

Fall, 1958; 11 Years Before Launch 

Now that he’s in high school, Mark realizes that going to the moon is a lot harder than his 8 year old mind had figured ten years ago. 

While most expected Mark to grow out of this ridiculous dream before he reached high school and settle for something easier and more accessible, Mark knew there was no possible way that he was ever going to let go of his dream. Not when he knows where he’s meant to be. When he knows he’s meant for more than just earth, like his grandfather said all those years ago.

Although his sneakers drag on the cement of the ground in fatigue after having studied all night for an important AP Calc test he has today, he knows that one day all this hard work he put into getting straight A’s will be worth it when he finally achieves his dream and becomes the first man on the moon. 

He sighs out before closing his locker, turning round only to bump into the girl he’s been admiring from afar for the past 6 years: you.

 You’ve lived in the house across from him for your entire life with your grandparents and sister. Unlike Mark, who preferred to be up in his attic looking through his telescope, you spent the majority of your time outside in your grandmother’s garden. Albeit creepy, Mark admits would sometimes watch you laugh with your sister while playing in the garden and feel his chest fill with giddiness. There was one instance where you caught him looking, Mark immediately ducked down to the attic floor, out of the view of the window. He remembers feeling absolutely mortified, waiting a few minutes before peeking again. You were still there and, to Mark’s surprise, instead of sending him a dirty look and telling him to stop being creepy, you wave slightly and the blushing boy. 

Mark always considered this the beginning of your love story. Though, he really didn’t know what he was feeling at the time. 

It was in middle school when Mark realizes there is only one thing he liked more than space: that was you. When he saw you smiling brightly at everyone you met (hence the nickname given to you by your peers: sunshine), he knew he was in bad, and your smile would stay on his mind for the rest of the week… but then that week turned into a year, and that year turned into 2 then 5 then 6, into now. You smile slightly at him and wave your hand in front of his face. “Hello?” 

Mark feels his face flush as you catch his daydreaming about you, “Yeah! Hi! I’m sorry… Are you okay?”

You nod and laugh lightly, “Are you okay? You seem a little out of it.”

“I really want to kiss you.” He says, except it comes out, “Yeah, just tired.”

“Oh, well then I’ll see you around then.” 

As he watches you walk away Mark goes through every possible scenario in his head that would’ve made that experience much more enjoyable than it actually was. He groans into the empty hallway and tries his best to not think about you during his calc test next period.

-

Mark always waits until it’s night time to leave school, partly because he gets to take the bus alone and not be bothered by anyone, mainly because the stars come out to remind Mark why it is he is working hard, why the tiredness and long nights are worth it. They’re up there waiting for him. And he will do whatever it takes to make it up there. 

Its a while past 6pm and Mark makes his way home, kicking stones and looking up at the sky, when his vision is torn away from the sky to the silhouette sitting alone at a bench. This person’s shoulders and shaking looks lightly as they cry. Mark’s trains his vision, trying to identify the figure. 

His squinted eyes suddenly widen as he recognizes your hair and jewelry. Mark’s body is immediately flooded with concern. Why are you out so late? Why are you alone? And most importantly : why are you crying?

Before he can stop it, his feet are moving him to where you are. Though, once they’ve done their job of getting him there, they immediately abandon him and leave him defenseless in front of you. He doesn’t know what to say or do; his hands sweaty against the textbook he currently has an iron grip on.

You notice him before he speaks, quickly wiping your tears and sending a forced smile his way. “Hey, it’s you again.”

Mark remembers this morning and has to stop himself from cringing. “Yeah…” He stands silently for sometime, kicking some dirt up from the gravel as your sniffles ring through the air around you. Mark looks up at you only when you chuckle. 

There are tears streaming down your face but you still manage to laugh at Mark’s awkwardness. “You can sit down if you want, Mark.” 

Mark breaths in thickly, eyeing the empty spot next to you on the bench before taking up your offer, and setting himself next to you. He briefly glances at you a few times before quietly saying: “You know my name?” 

You bring up a hand to wipe your cheeks, chuckling. “Of course, I do. You're my astronomer neighbor.” It’s an attempt to lighten the mood. “You, always with that telescope of yours.” 

Mark smiles at the fact that you called him an astronomer. But it leaves quickly when another tear rolls down your cheek, your face becoming grim once again. Your hands try to cover up their tracks, Mark’s hands act on their own, grabbing your wrist before you could do so. You startle at this, looking at the boy incredulously. 

Mark tries to pin point what part of him thought this was a good idea as he studies your face. His grip on your hand loosens as he enters the trance that comes with seeing your features so up close. Your puffy eyes staring back at him, and swollen lips so close Mark has to stop himself from making any more drastic decisions that could scare you off. “A p-penny for your thoughts?” His other hand reaches in his pocket and pulls a penny he remembered putting in there when he saw you in the halls earlier, he sets it on the bench between you two.

You watch the boy with confused eyes that flicker between his face and the hold he has on your wrist at the moment to the penny. You become perplexed when you hear his question, looking away as if your eyes will answer the question for you if he looked too deeply. “Just... things. It doesn’t really matter.” You shrug, wanting to abandon the topic as soon as possible. “School, stress about college. The usual.” 

“Oh.” Is all he awkwardly replies, you shift your gaze to where his hand is still wrapped around your wrist. Mark notices and quickly lets it go muttering a quiet, “Sorry.” 

You shake your head, watching him rub his hands on his black pants. “It’s okay.” 

Mark rakes his mind for anything he can say or do to make you feel better; but judging from his lack of experience with the opposite sex, he finds this task very difficult. That is, until he rolls his head back in thought, catching sight of the bright constellations decorating the night sky. He figures he should stay within his field of interest, and take your mind off things.

His voice is rougher and shakier than he thought it would be when he speaks after some time. “Do you know about the story of the Gemini twins?”

A chuckle rises in your chest. You should have expected this to leave the mouth of the boy who had his nose stuck in space books every time you saw him. And even though you didn’t really care much for space or anything related to it, you wanted to listen to what Mark had to say. “Sure.” 

Mark perks up, he mutters a soft ‘Really?’ under his breath that you don’t think you were supposed to hear since he starts talking immediately after. “Well, some people say that the twins in the sky are two boys named Castor and Polydeuces. One who was a mortal and the other who was the son of Zeus himself. Even though they had different fathers, the two were extremely close.” Mark’s wide eyes connect with yours and he interlocks his fingers to emphasize his point, you nod as an acknowledgement. “They spent the majority of their time just reeking havoc everywhere. Traveling, setting things on fire, partying, and basically doing anything they could to assure themselves a good time. They made their mark on the world while always being there with each other. Until one day, they got into a pretty bad fight with some guys over two women and Castor was killed.” Mark smiles when you gasp slightly. “And Polydeuces was so grief stricken that he asked his father Zeus to make Castor immortal like him, so they could be together for eternity.”

Mark pauses to see your reaction, your eyes are bloodshot and swollen but tears no longer leak from them. You lean forward as you wait for Mark to finish the story. “So he did, and that right there,” he points up to the sky where the twins looked down at you, “is them. Spending eternity together like they always wanted to.”

“Sounds great if you ask me.” You say quietly. “To spend eternity with your best friend.”

Mark nods, eyes shifting from the sky to your wonder filled eyes watching the twins. He can imagine the things you’re thinking of, the battles you’re vividly imagining the twins had fought while on earth. Just like when he heard the story for the first time. He wants to know what you think; what you see in your imagination. He just wants to know everything going through your head. (Not just now, but everytime he saw you walking in halls lost in thought, he had collected pennies in the front pocket of his backpack just in case one day he worked up the courage to a (literal) penny for your thoughts. It was stupid, he knew, but it gave him something to forward to.)

Mark doesn’t realize that you caught him staring until your hand rests on his own. Its the first skin to skin contact the two of you have ever shared. Your hand is warmer than he thought it would be although, it doesn’t surprise him at all judging from the fact that you quite possibly had the sun for a soul. 

“Thank you for that, Mark.” You smile at his and Mark’s heart feels like it’s already on the moon waiting for him. “I’m sorry you missed your bus.” Truth is, Mark hadn’t even realized the bus had come and gone having been to focused on you. He shakes his head. 

“It’s okay.” He says, “We can walk together, it’s dangerous to be out alone this late anyway.” He holds his breath and looks away as he waits for you to reply. Mark feels a weight off his shoulders when your soft voice travels through the chilly wind.

“I would like that.”

-

Summer, 1959; 10 years before launch

“Mark!” 

Mark feels your body clinging onto his before he actually registers that you’re hugging him. The force of your impact produces a groan from him, still, he wraps his arms around you and chuckles. “Hey, you.”

Your graduation cap is tilted slightly, he reaches up to fix it for you. This causes you to smile at him lovingly; Mark can’t even begin to explain how much he loves it when you look at him like that. It makes him want to just grab your face and kiss you with everything that he’s got. 

Which… he can, considering he’s been your boyfriend since November, when he clumsily confessed to you under the stars one chilly night. 

You recall the memory fondly, the stars, the increasing coolness in the air and the redness of Mark’s cheeks (which, to this date, he blames on the weather but you know better) when he handed you a coin purse full of pennies nervously telling you there was one for each time he wanted to talk to you, and that he really wanted to tell you before Christmas break came. So he did.

He smiles back down at you as he recalls the events of last winter, he leans down far enough that his words are only audible to you. “I really want to kiss you right now.” 

“Do you now?” He nods while chuckling at your teasing expression.

“If our parents weren’t here right now I would’ve already had you twice.” He says this to tease you, but only manages to frustrate himself even further. You stare at him, mouth agape before slapping his chest. Pushing your body away from him, your blush makes Mark chuckle. You playfully walk away from him, still blushing. He laughs and pulls your wrist so your body is pressed against him, he hugs you. “I can’t believe you just said that.” You laugh against his clothes and he does the same.

“Honestly, me neither.”  

After laughing fondly for some time, Mark grabs your hands. “I have something for you.” He smiles widely, you give him a confused look as he pulls you toward your parents that sit together chatting. “Hey guys, I’m going to show Y/N something real quick in my car.”

Your parents nod, his mother's protests loudly. “Be back quickly, you two and don’t do anything bad!” 

Mark’s graduation gown flows behind him as he side steps away from his scolding mother, hand clutching yours as his feet move quickly. “Yes, mom. We won’t do anything bad, I swear!” He suddenly pulls the two of you into a full sprint towards his car, laughter spills from both your lips and mixes with the air. The two of you bring your unoccupied hands to prevent your caps from flying off your heads. 

The scene is quite beautiful, the sun is setting causing a light orange heugh to fall over your elated bodies. Young love flows in the air. It is wonderful.

You’re still chuckling when you finally reach Mark’s old car in the parking lot, he only lets go of your hand to insert the key into the door. Once the car is unlocked he leans into it, reaching into the backseat. 

You, both excited and anxious, wait for Mark to get whatever it is he has to show you. When the boy finally comes out of the car, he hits his head on the door frame which causes him to falter lightly, however, once he hears your giggles he continues. 

Mark leans out of the car and you gasp as you see a giant bouquet of flowers in his hands. Flowers of all types: roses, sunflowers, lillys, lavender, daisies, and tulips all so different but looking so in place in the bouquet. Mark’s hands hold the bouquet out towards you, “This is for you.”

Your slow hands move to grab to bouquet, touched that he even thought to get you something in the first place. “Mark… They’re beautiful.” You give him a warm smile and hug the bouquet to your body in a small sign of appreciation.

Mark responds with a nervous smile, “I’m glad…” You notice how his cheeks suddenly become tinted and he rubs his hand on his graduation gown slightly. “I have something else for you.”

“You do?” Confused and amused, you go through all the things the boy could possibly present you with. Though, nothing came to your head.

“Yes. but first… I need to tell you something.” His nervous hands come up to scratch the back of his neck, he takes off his blue cap in the process, revealing his flat hair underneath. Mark runs his hands through it, breathing deeply. “Ok. so you know that now that we’re out of high school, things are going to be a lot different. I’m going to have to dedicate a lot of time to my career and once college starts, I’m off and there’s no stopping me.” 

You can’t help but grow nervous at the topic of college, knowing how difficult it will be for you two judging from the career path Mark has decided to go down. A million scenarios race through your head of what he could be trying to tell you and none of them are good. “I know, Mark.” 

He nods, biting his lip. “And everything I do for the next few years of my life is going to have to adjust to my dream…” 

“I know, I support you.” Your worry becomes fear and you figure it's better to voice it now rather than later. “Are you… trying to break up with me?”

The poor boy’s eyes widen to the size of planets and his hands come up to rest on your shoulders. Mark shakes his head vigorously, “No! Oh my god, no.”

“Then where are you going with this?” 

He sighs, looking down at the ground, allowing himself time to think. You watch him with a confused look as his head shoots up, he breathes in deeply once again. “Ok. So you know how I love space, right?” He waits for you to nod before continuing. “I love space and the moon but when you look at what the moon really is… it’s just a floating piece of rock, right? The only reason it shines and is beautiful is because the sun shines light on it to make its beauty known. It allows it to be seen. So without the sun we wouldn’t be able to see the moon and everything that it is, am I making any sense?” 

The perplexed look you’re sporting answers his question, he sighs, muttering: “this definitely sounded a lot better when I practiced.” His words make you chuckle, but only briefly because he looks up at you again, this time with more determination. “What I’m trying to say is, I’m the moon and you’re the sun, before we met I was so hidden and no one ever really saw me nor did I make the effort to be seen and  I started to think that maybe I was just a floating piece of rock too…” his eyes turn suddenly soft and you see a bit of the Mark that was for your eyes only, “ but then when I met you, you’re light was so bright and I felt so seen and so real, like I could do anything. That nothing could stop from shining when you even gave me the light to glow bright at night.” 

Usually Mark was either all suggestive comments or shy remarks. This side of him is one that you’ve seen only once before: the night he asked you to be his girlfriend. His words sounded so heartfelt and sincere you felt your insides turning to mush. “Mark…” 

He smiles at you before reaching into his car once again, pulling out another item. Though, this time it’s small enough for him to be able to conceal it in between his two hands. You look at his hands curiously. “I don’t know if this too soon, but i need you to keep me glowing and i love more than... anything.” He breathlessly says the last words and looks directly into your eyes. You don’t notice when his hands move away to reveal what was hidden by his hands until he’s down on one knee and a beautiful silver ring with a small shiny stone look back at you. 

Your hands instantly fly up to cover your mouth that is agape in shock. Mark nervously searches your face for any signs of disgust but finds none, he continues. “Will you marry me?” 

Your momentary silence cause the boy on one knee to grow nervous, Mark feels his insides churning and a slight pang in his heart. Which instantly leaves as soon as you kneel down in front of him, tears flooding your eyes and your hands grabbing the sides of his own. You’re smiling through your tears. Seeing you cry has always made tears come into Mark’s own eyes, soon enough his are growing increasingly wet as well.  

“Are you serious?” The feeling you get when he nods is something you can compare to euphoria. You throw your arms around him and whisper into his ear; “Yes, oh my god, yes.” 

Mark’s embrace becomes tighter around you, every ounce of nervousness gone and replaced with nothing but undeniable love and appreciation. 

He only breaks the hug to cup the sides of your face and kiss you hard on the lips. He uses his thumbs to wipe away your tears while his lips move on yours. The moment can only be defined by pure happiness and adoration for the boy pressed against you. You’re hands wrap around his thin waist and they remain there as he pulls away, tearfully chuckling. His shaky hands move to take the pretty ring out, clumsily sliding it onto your finger. 

Mark’s eyes fill with fresh tears at the sight of your left ring finger adorned by the jewelry that would make Y/N and Mark into Y/NandMark. He rubs his nose, “It looks so pretty on you.”

His voice is shaky. You take his hands in your own and admire the way the new piece of jewelry looks against your skin. “It does, doesn’t?" 

Mark’s hand brings your own up to his lips, closing his eyes as he presses a lingering kiss on the knuckle just below where your ring sat. Your adoring eyes only move away from the sweet action when your grandmother’s loud voice sounds throughout the parking lot. “Did you do it?” 

Mark laughs against your hand and turns to both of your two’s parents who look at you expectedly. 

Your fiance raised your hand for their eyes to see, the shiny ring serving as an answer. Excited shreeks leave the women as they race over, the men trailing behind with amused and proud smiles on their faces. 

You turn to Mark, “They knew?” 

Mark shrugs, wiping his tear stained face as best he could. “I had to get their blessing.” 

The thought of Mark nervously going up to your grandparents asking for your hand in marriage makes you giddy and warm, almost as much as you remember that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with him. 

“I love you so much.” You whisper to him, squeezing his hand.

Mark smiles at you and moves closer to peck your temple. You feel his lips moving against your head when he speaks. 

“Not nearly as much as I love you.”

-

Spring, 1961; 8 Years Before Launch 

Even in college, Mark was by far the brightest student in the classroom as well as on the field. Flight school required more than just the ability to fly a plane, it required a lot of knowledge and the skills of calculating and acting fast. The way he worked while airborne and calculations and solutions he could bring up in little to no time left even the professor jaw-dropped. 

It was obvious he was destined for something great. The professor saw it. His envious classmates saw it. You saw it. 

And apparently so did a test pilot for the newly established space research facility (NASA) that Mark has spent hours telling you about: John Suh. 

John Suh was a bright man from the north that had been flying since before he could run, everyone who knew him knew he was going to change the world. Mark was no exception; he finds himself opened-mouthed as the legendary man walks onto the field one spring morning. He carries himself with an aura that is supposed to intimidate others, however, Mark finds himself wanting to know more about the man and his career.

His professor stands, “Students, i’m sure you know who this is. If you don-”

“My name is Johnny Suh, test pilot for the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.” The man has a deep voice, a lot deeper in real life than on the speakers of the TV that sits in you and Mark’s apartment. He is taller too, though Mark expected that. “I came to you today in search of brilliant minds, I was told there would be many at Purdue.” 

The excited muttered of the students fill the air, Mark remains silent. Too nervous and shocked to speak. He stays this way as Johnny walks to the side of the runway and stands with his hands grasps behind him. Its a military stance that brings an even more intimidating aura to him. Johnny Suh would remain there for the rest of the period.

 Mark tries hard to focus on the tasks the professor gave the class. 

It’s only when a hand comes down on his shoulder that he realizes that Johnny Suh has been watching him this whole time. 

The man motions him to lean forward, Mark complies. John whispers, “The calculations you presented and the way you get around up there are impressive, even more advanced than what the professor is teaching you.” Mark can only chuckle nervously, shrugging. “Where did you learn that?” 

Mark gulps before clearing his throat. “My grandfather was an astronomer, a pilot too.”

Johnny’s eyebrows rise at that, a pleased smile setting on his face. He watches the younger man shift his weight awkwardly, awaiting his response. Johnny leans in closer. “What's your name kid?” 

“Mark Lee, sir.” He reaches out to shake Johnny’s hand. The pilot shakes it back with an amused smile. 

“You know, Mark Lee, the president wants to send a man into space.” Mark perks up slightly, Johnny notices. “NASA is looking for a team.” 

Mark avoids his eyes nervously, nodding his head. “I’ve heard.” 

“So what do you think, can we do it?” The look on Johnny’s face let’s Mark know that the question has a reason behind it, though the words leave Mark’s lips before he even process a better response.

“Of course we can, if a man has already been in orbit, surely we can get to the moon.” When Johnny says nothing, Mark’s nerves increase impossibly. “Of course, there would have to be many preparations and tests and all those kind of things done but surely, it’s not... impossible.” 

John nods, “You’re right.” A fond smile rests on the man’s face as he patted Mark’s shoulder. His eyes follow Johnny as he turns away from him and begins walking away. Mark can’t help but feel dejected, though he had prepared himself for this. The man walks up to the professor, interrupting his conversation with a student to whisper into his ear. John’s hand points in Mark’s general direction all eyes (including the professor's) move to him. 

Mark’s instinct tells him to lean his head down but the look Johnny gives him tells him he has no reason to. Mark uses this confidence boost and keep looking forward as Johnny smiles proudly and makes his way off the field only to be stopped by the loud voice of an envious student.

“Leaving so soon, Mr. Suh?” 

John turns once again and looks at the young boy before pointing Mark’s way with his strong hand. “I’ve already found what I’m looking for.”

-

It takes two weeks for Mark to get the call that will put his dream in motion.

The landline rang loudly through the space of you and Mark’s small shared apartment, you two were currently laid down on your bed, Mark’s arms curled around you. You don’t know how long you had been in that position before you had break away to rush to the phone in the kitchen. 

“Hello?” 

A pair of lips smack on the other line, “Yes, good morning. Is the residence of a… Mark Lee?” You shift your gaze to the shirtless man that has now moved from the bed to lean against the wall of the hallway, he smiles as you say:

“Yes, this is his wife.”

“Lovely to speak with you, Mrs. Lee. I’m calling from the National Aeronautics of Space Administration, we have some news for your husband.” Your eyes widen as you pull the phone away from your mouth as not have the man on the other line hear your gasp. Your husband approaches you with a concern filled face. Mouthing: “What’s wrong?”

You stare at him for a few seconds, before fighting a wide smile, you lean closer to him. “It’s NASA.” And excited tone is carried in your voice as you say that to him. Much like you, Mark’s eyes immediately widen. 

You take a deep breath before pulling to phone back to your ear, clearing your throat. “I’m very sorry about that, sir. I will put my husband on right away.” You usher the starstruck man to grab the phone. 

Mark’s shaky hands grab the phone and brings it to his ear, you watch carefully as he converses with the man on the other line. You can’t help but notice how he stands up straighter and carries himself with a different energy, a more professional and manly energy. 

You don’t understand much of their conversation, but you do understand the words: “test pilot”, “offer” and even the name of the well-known test pilot John Suh. You decided you would just ask Mark what the conversation was about when he’s done, though it ends much sooner than you expected when your husband says the words: “I think I would like to discuss it with my wife first if that is fine with you.”

He nods while  the man speaks on the other line before saying, “I will make sure to, sir. Thank you.”

You look at him expectedly as he ends the call by placing the phone back up on the wall. He remains with his bare back facing you for some time, until you reach forward and let the palm of your hand rest against his back. “Well?” 

You let your hand fall as Mark turns around, his eyes are full of excitement and wonder initially, before they turn rather gloomy. “Mark, is something  wrong?”

He shakes his head before looking up at you, “Remember how I told you Johnny Suh came to the university the other week, looking for recruits?” You nod. “Well, he chose me. Now… they’re offering me a job as a test pilot for a new project.”

“Mark! That’s fantastic!” Mark’s worried eyes look back at you. “Why are you upset? Isn’t this what you wanted?” Your confusion at Mark’s expression is intense, you had always pictured him during this moment. Though, it wasn’t ever anything like this. 

“It is.” He pauses, looking up at you. “But now that it’s here… I’m worried.” 

Mark lets his head fall to the side, turning his view away from you. This is a habit of his that surfaces whenever he is upset; you bring your hand up to cup his cheek and turn his eyes to your own once again. “What are you worried about, love?” 

He looks deeply into your eyes, they are so soothing. So familiar. He immediately opens up. “I’m worried about our family, Y/N.”

“Our family?” You and Mark had touched on the topic of children once before, it was clear both of you wanted children, the moment just never came up. 

“I want to have children with you, Y/N. I want us to have a family together and this job is going to so much of my time and it is so dangerous and I-” 

“Mark Lee. This has been your dream since you were a little kid. You’ve wanted this for so long! You can’t give that up, not when you’re so close.” You try to keep your voice even when you want to tell him his worries are very similar to your own.

“That was before we shared the same heart and before I wanted anything like this with anyone.” 

The troubled storm in your husband’s eyes causes your heart to strain.

There’s a part of you that wants to tell him that he is right. That he should stay with you and give you children and never leave your side. But there’s also a part of you that knows that Mark has wanted this his entire life, he has studied and worked for this moment. And there is no way you can take that away from him. 

You raise your hands to cup his cheeks, forcing his eyes to yours. You smile reassuringly before sighing. 

“Why don’t we make a compromise?” 

His eyebrows raises in confusion. “A compromise?” 

You nod, “Before everything gets to hectic at work, we can have a baby. That way, when you’re busy, we can keep each other company. And even when you don’t have time, we’ll find a way to make time, we always do.”

Mark eyes are still slightly conflicted. His eyebrows were furrowed, causing burdensome creases on his forehead. You bring your hand up from his cheek to his hair, stroking it as to pacify him while he considers your words. “What if something happens that parts us?”

You process his words before shaking your head softly. “We said until death do us part, and even then I’m still going to be with you. Don’t worry about those silly things.” You continue to stroke his hair, moving your hand down to his forehead. Running your hand gently over the creases, feeling them immediately relax under your fingertips. You trace the bridge of his nose and his lips, him taking the opportunity to kiss your fingers as they pass. Soon enough, your hand finds previous spot cupping his cheek. He leans into your touch and watches you with his big, glossy eyes. 

“Nothing is more important to me than you. I want you to always remember that.” His hands grip the night gown you’re wearing at your waist, his jaw clenches as he suppresses his urge to cry. You nod, he breathes in deeply through his nose. “And I promise you, I will do whatever it takes to come back to you, no matter the circumstances.” 

You feel yourself become emotional at his words, tears filling your eyes. Mark pokes your sides and says with a shaky voice, “Don’t cry. If you cry, I’ll cry.” You laugh tearfully and make a half hearted attempt to wipe the tear that fell down your cheeks, before wiping the ones that have run down Mark’s as he said the words. 

After a moment of silence, Mark leans down to brush his nose against your own. He captures your lips in lingering kiss while holding your back with his hands. 

The kiss serves to let you both know that it will be okay, that no matter what happens there will always be Y/NandMark. 

The two of you pull away breathlessly, staring into each others bloodshot eyes for a some time before you say, “call them.” 

He nods and moves to the phone.

You smile as you watch his talk with the man on the other line. The conversation carries on longer than you expected as they discuss the details of his work over the phone. 

You motion toward the bedroom and Mark nods, watching you walk down the hallway towards your shared room. 

-

Mark starts working that following Monday. 

They said they wanted him working as soon as possible; that a new series of missions named ‘Gemini’ that were to consist of test flights for the grand mission of getting a man on the moon. 

NASA was everything Mark expected it to be. The place was full of geniuses, which, he will admit, intimidated  him to no end; he was reassured when a Mr. John Suh clapped a comforting hand on his shoulder, “Everyone who is here deserves to be here. Including you, kid.” His words settle well with Mark as he nods with a small smile. 

Johnny shows Mark around the facility, while telling him that the two of them are going to have to spend a lot of time together since they work in the same division. He laughs as he tells Mark not to get sick of him too soon. Mark holds back from telling him that he enjoys his company more than he thinks and just laughs at his words. 

As they pass by the number room, Johnny steps in to introduce Mark to the lady’s who work there. As soon as they hear the door open, all their eyes shoot up. Muttered words fill the room as they all eye Mark up and down, some even sending flirty waves. 

“Ladies, this is Mark Lee. He’s gonna be flying with me.” Johnny notices some stares of want in Mark’s direction (who is currently looking at his shoes nervously, not knowing what to do). Johnny chuckles, “Sorry ladies, he’s a married man.”

The single ladies let out disappointed noises, Mark just laughs nervously along with Johnny. Who waves at the women as they walk out. 

As they walk down the hall, Johnny speaks, “So this wife of yours… did you meet in high school?”

Mark blushes at your mention, briefly looking down at the gold band wrapped around his finger. “No, uh, we kinda grew up alongside each other, her house was next to mine.” 

Johnny nods, “so you were childhood sweethearts?”

Mark chuckles, “well… not exactly, i don’t think she paid much attention to me before high school.” 

Johnny hums. “Are you happy?”

With no hesitation, Mark nods. “Absolutely.” A silence falls after Johnny smiles at him, Mark clears his throat. “What about you?” 

“Hm?”

“I’ve seen your wife on TV before… are you happy?” Mark feels like he’s over stepping but it’s too late now that the words have left his mouth. 

John nods immediately, “yes.” He hesitates before adding, “Just worried about the future.” 

Mark holds back a gasp. Is it possible that The John Suh has the same worries as him? “About what?” 

Johnny shrugs, “You know, when you’re in the air every day, there’s a chance. There’s always a chance that something will go wrong and I won’t see my wife and sons again.”

Mark feels slightly comforted that Johnny has the same worries as him despite working in this field much longer than him. But still, hearing it come from someone else makes it much more… real. His face pales. 

Johnny notices, stopping in his tracks and grabbing Mark’s shoulders. “But you can’t forget that there is also a chance that everything will go as planned and you will succeed for them, because of them.” His voice is stern in order to get the message to the younger man. Mark nods, looking up at Johnny and noticing how human he looks; realizing that Johnny Suh is just as real as he is. 

Mark breathes in deep before nodding his head. He repeats the words in his head like a mantra: 

For them. Because of them. 

-

Friday afternoon of Mark’s first full week of work, you walked frantically around you and Mark’s small apartment, hurrying to set the table before your husband walked through the front door. The aroma of the dinner you prepared reaches your nose from the kitchen as you place fresh flowers in the vase at the center of the table. 

You had been cooking since about midday, all in an attempt to make a nice dinner for Mark who had been coming home more tired these days, his new job taking a toll on him. You wanted to give him special treatment to help him relax a bit, and to celebrate him getting a position at NASA. 

You were moving the pot of pasta from the kitchen to the dining room when you hear the sound of Mark’s keys from the entrance of your house. You let out a surprised shriek as you run to the nearest mirror, taking in the sight of your messy hair. You try to smoothen it before Mark walks in, wanting to look nice for him. Though, before you can even react you see his reflection in the mirror. He drops his bag lazily on the couch and walks over to you, watching you closely through the mirror as he wraps his arms around your waist. 

You relish in his scent as he does yours, the two of you standing quietly for some time before he breaks the silence. “Hello there.”

You smile bashfully, bringing your hand up to touch his cheek. “How was work?” 

He smiles, “Tiring. But good.” 

You nod before turning in his hold. He watches you with an amused smile as you get on your tip toes to kiss the corner of his mouth before pulling away quickly. His hands in yours, you pull him towards the dining area. “Dinner is already set.” 

Mark is shocked as he sees the neatly decorated table and the pots full of his favorite foods all set on it. He looks up at you. “What is this about?” 

Shrugging, you explain: “Well, I know work has been tiring you out and we still haven’t properly celebrated you getting the job because of the time crunch so… I just thought it would be nice.” You shyly look down at your feet. Mark feels himself falling for you all over again. He leans down to catch your gaze, his voice is dripping with love as he speaks.

“It’s so nice, love. I appreciate this so much, thank you.” His wraps his arms around you once again and hugs you tight, kissing the side of your head repeatedly. You smile against his chest before pulling away to excitedly lead him to the table. 

“Wait here.” He does as you say, sitting at the table patiently while looking at the pretty flowers in the vase and the various candle your lit up. He smiles to himself. 

Soon enough, you walk into the dining area, one hand carrying two wine glasses and the other carrying a big bottle of expensive wine. 

He watches as you excitedly sit down next to him, handing the bottle over for him to open. It opens with pop that causes the two of you to laugh. He pours you a glass first and then himself. 

“I want to make a toast.” You say, Mark chuckles, leaning towards you.

“Okay. To what?”

You raise your glass as you talk, “To my wonderful, hard working, inspiring husband who surprises me every day. Because you worked hard and persevered to accomplish your dream and it’s finally happening. You made it happen.” 

Mark feels emotional as you finish talking.  He never thought it was possible to love someone this much. “I also want to make a toast.” He raises his glass as you had done before, “To my beautiful wife, who is always there to cheer me on and support me no matter what, to whom I owe my success. None of this would’ve happened without you. We made it happen.”

You bite your lip as he talks, staring at him with heart eyes. The dreamy feeling you got when he first asked you to be his comes back, it seems the young love still remains. 

You raise your glass, “To us, then?” 

He smiles, clinking the edge of your glass with his own. “To us.”

-

You feel like a teenager again as Mark presses you up against the wall later that night, kissing you passionately. His hands wander all around your body feverishly before settling on your waist. The satisfying grip of his hands against you cause you to moan lightly, hands moving down from where they were locked behind his neck to the buttons of his white shirt. Your fingers work skillfully, undoing each button with ease before pulling his shirt down his arms rather roughly. 

His collarbone and neck become exposed to you and immediately your lips are attached to every surface. Mark moans as you kiss down his Adam’s apple, throwing his head back. His eyes closed, relishing in the feeling of your lips on him. 

You pull away only to grab his hand and pull him down the hall. Seeing him in this state is blissful, hair a mess and flushed cheeks. You can see the strain of his erection in his black dress pants and walk faster. 

Once you reach you shared bedroom, you laugh giddily as you lie down flat on the bed. 

The sight is rather beautiful. You lying there, your hair spread out around you, your dress ridden up slightly showing the upper part of your thigh. Mark wastes no time, crawling over you and capturing your lips once again. His hands move down to the bottom of your dress, pushing it up to bunch at waist. 

Just as he was about to move his hands to your underwear, you stop him by setting your hand on his. He immediately halts his movements and pulls away, worried. “What’s wrong?”

“Let’s do it this time, Mark.” Your eyes search his for any signs disgust or hesitation but you only find confusion. “Let’s make a baby.” 

Mark’s eyes widen, “Are you sure?” 

You nod reassuringly, “I’m sure. Do you not want to?” 

Mark nods rapidly, “Oh, I want to. I just…”

“Then give it to me, Mark.” You say bringing his hand back where it previously was. His fingers automatically begin massaging the area between your legs.

“Fuck, okay.” 

And that’s what he does. That night, Mark gives you everything he has. Endlessly rounds of love making keep you up until the wee hours of the morning when the two of you collapse next to each other, sweaty and heavily breathing. 

Mark tiredly smiles, reaching a hand up to move a sweaty strand of hair from your face. “I love you.” 

You smile back at him, leaning forward to capture his lips, pecking them quickly. “I love you more.” 

The two do you slowly drift to sleep as Mark scratches your back and the sunrise creeps in through your windows.

-

Spring, 1962; 7 Years Before Launch 

At some point throughout the passing year, Mark decides that your tiny apartment wasn’t suited for the two of you anymore. He had made plenty of money throughout the year, saving up a fraction of every single paycheck until he had enough to pay for deposit of a lovely house he had been eyeing. 

It really was perfect. It’s double storied, littered with windows that let the light seep in beautifully. The living room is a spacious area fit for slow dancing to the love ballads playing from the stereo placed in the corner of the room. Perfect to fit all the buzzing family and friends that came to celebrate with you today. 

Blue party streamers hung from the ceiling, balloons littering the floor, children race around your home laughing wildly as their parents keep an eye on them while simultaneously socializing with each other.

Mark is greeting another guest at the door, smiling politely and leading them to where they can leave their gifts when you appear from the kitchen and into his line of vision.

He can’t help but smile every time he sees you. Your hair is beautiful cascading over your shoulders and a pretty baby blue dress falls over the swell over the pregnant belly gracefully. You smile at a few guests as you make your way towards Mark, who immediately puts a hand on your waist. “Food’s ready.” 

He kisses your temple and nods, “I’ll let everyone know.” However, before he can walk to the living room where most of the people reside another knock comes from the front door.

He is pleasantly surprised when he sees his tall coworker he has grown  close to standing there. “Johnny!” 

The man smiles brightly bringing Mark into a short hug. Once they pull away, he steps aside to let Johnny, his wife and three sons through the door. Once you catch sight of him you smile widely, hugging him tight. “I’m so glad you could make it.”

Johnny makes a face, “How could I not when my favorite couple are finally having a baby?” You smile warmly at  him before moving to greet his wife, a beautiful woman named Lucy who had so kindly offered you her friendship the first time you met about a year ago. She wraps her arms around you and sways your bodies side to side. “My baby is all grown and having babies!” 

You laugh as you pull away, leading her and her sons to the kitchen where the hot food sat ready for their consumption. 

That leaves Mark and Johnny by the door. Johnny brings a hand down to clasp Mark’s shoulder, a fatherly gesture Johnny had taken to doing to the younger man. “How are you feeling?”

Mark smiles, “I’m… good. Great actually.” 

Johnny chuckles, “You’re gonna be a dad.”

“I am.” Mark’s voice carries underlying wonder that causes Johnny to smile once again. 

“I’m proud of you, kid.”

The words warm Mark’s heart, his close friend being someone who never gets too sentimental. He looks directly into his eyes, trying to get his sincerity across. “Thank you, John.” 

There’s a comfortable silence between them, that is broken by Johnny who nods his head towards the view in front of him.  Mark smiles as he sees you chatting animatedly with Lucy, you’re resting your plate on your big belly bump which makes Mark chuckle. Johnny’s sons sit on the floor in front of you, creating hundreds of scenarios and games with their action figures.

“For them and because of them, right?” 

Mark nods but stays silent. You laugh loudly at something Lucy says, your nose scrunching up in the cutest way and your free hand comes down to rub your belly where your son currently was, waiting to join you two. Mark nods once again, only this time it more for himself. 

“For them and because of them.”

-

Summer, 1966; 3 Years Before Launch

When Mark said NASA was full of brilliant people, he meant it. 

Every person in the facility brought something new and revolutionary to the table, whether it be with their impressive brains or how well they can work the aircrafts. 

Mark is positive he hasn’t met a person who hadn’t absolutely blown his mind. This is no exception when he meets the new test pilot that had recruited by Kun, (who was one of the senior pilots along with Johnny; also an excellent flier.) Jaemin Na was his name. He was younger than Mark by a year, making him the youngest test pilot on the field. Though one highly impressive and skilled test flight later, he proved to be just as experienced as the oldest pilots. 

He greets Mark with a firm handshake and a bright smile, “Mr. Lee, I’ve heard so much about you.” 

Mark raises an eyebrow before chuckling. “Please, call me Mark.” Jaemin nods, letting go of his hand.

Jaemin is at a loss for words in front of the now well-known pilot, his talkative self being pushed into a corner as he tries to control his urge to say just about anything that comes to his head. Mark notices. He considers what to do, and ultimately decides to do what Johnny would do. He claps a hand down on Jaemin’s shoulder, though, he doesn’t feel as natural as Johnny does, he tries his best to come back from it. 

“I was just making my way to the cafeteria, do you pack lunch?” 

Jaemin perks up and nods instantly, raising his lunch box to Mark’s face. “My wife made some yummy ribs last night n’ packed them for me.” 

Mark smiles at the man, In that moment he decides he likes Jaemin. 

“Let's head down together, then.” 

On the way to the cafeteria, Mark finds out that Jaemin has been married for 5 years. That he eloped with his wife during their last year of high school and they have two daughters together, twins. Jaemin takes the liberty off taking the locket around his neck off to show Mark a picture of a beautiful curly haired woman with her arms wrapped around two equally beautiful curly haired little girls who smiled widely. “Those are my girls.” He said looking down affectionately at the picture. He asks Mark about his wife, he goes off on a tangent about you, how you met and about your little boy, Elliot. 

Mark finds out that Jaemin joined NASA because of his love for adventure and flying. He also mentions that he would want nothing more than to make his family proud. Mark refrains from telling him that they would be proud of his nonetheless and lets him ramble on. 

It’s halfway through lunch that Mark notes that there is never a silent moment with Jaemin. And he likes that. He’s usually not one to talk much and Jaemin’s voice fills the silence perfectly. His brightness and enthusiasm is contagious, leaving Mark in a good mood even after they part ways at the end of the day. 

-

Some days on the field are better than others. 

The objective was to test the control of the craft everyone called MH-96, it was nothing Mark hadn’t done before. He speaks with headquarters over his head piece as he situates himself into the cockpit of the craft, strapping in all his seat belts and preparing all his other protective gear. “The weather is good so there shouldn’t be any complications.” Mark hears the familiar voice of Johnny from his head set and smiles. 

“What are you doing at headquarters? It’s your day off!” 

Mark doesn’t see this but Johnny shrugs as he laughs, “Wanted to come see you complete this mission so I can brag about you at the Washington test flights next month.” 

Mark chuckles at his friend’s words, feeling flustered that at the thought of someone bragging about him. He kisses his teeth playfully before smiling, “Are we ready for take off or what?” 

Johnny laughs before speaking to a member of the head quarters crew who says something Mark can’t hear. Johnny makes an affirmative sounds before speaking, “I’m gonna let you speak to the professionals now. Good luck man.”

Mark nods before remembering that Johnny can’t see him, he lets out a hum and waits for Johnny pass the headset to the crew member.

-

The mission starts off well. It’s a simple task: test out how high the aircraft can go before coming back down and landing on the designated mark. 

The force of the speed moving the aircraft causes Mark to go flat against his seat, his body becoming immobile. This had happened before so Mark could handle it well, (though, he will admit the force is greater than anything he had flown before) what Mark didn’t anticipate was the red flashes and alarming buzzes coming from the control panel of the aircraft. His worried eyes move to the panel before he contacts headquarters. “Talk to me. What’s happening?”

The line silent before a confused voice comes through the headset. “It says here the flight has exceeded its expected maximum capacity of height but the gears are still accelerating.” 

Mark processes the information. He has never experienced anything like this before: a point where he’s not in control of the craft. He begins to sweat. The only thing this situation would compatible to is driving a car with no brakes. 

Suddenly, the aircraft begins to become extremely hot, a panicked voice rings in Mark’s ears. “The temperature is rising, Mark. You need to form a plan for descent now.”  

Mark doesn’t know if the accelerating of heart beat is because of the adrenaline or because of the fear after the thought of you flashed through his head. The thought of you raising your son alone and of moving on without him because he let an aircraft control him. he shakes the thoughts from his head. He has a mission, not only to return safely but to return to you.

Mark brings together all the knowledge his has accumulated in his years of flying. Looking below him, sees the landing mark, where a few men wait for his arrival. After the big landing area, almost outside the fence of the facility, there’s a huge lake he had forgotten was there that served only for crash landing like these, it had never been put to use before but sees it as the only option. 

“I’m changing course to the lake, will operate ejection protocol once I’m closer.” The man on the other line gives Mark an affirmative noise even though Mark can hear his nervous, heavy breathing. 

As Mark approaches the lake, he steers the craft in a straight down. He is sure his heart beat has never beat this fast, he can hear it over the chatter coming through the headset and the creaking and loud alarms from inside the aircraft. He gets an urge to close his eyes but remembers that he has to eject himself before the aircraft hits the water. 

He hurriedly takes off all his seat belts and protective gear, going through the procedure he was taught so many times that he never thought he was going to use. As the aircraft gets closer and closer to the water, the increase in heat and Mark’s heartbeat become more apparent. He makes a pathetic attempt to move his face away from the hottest spots, only to feel another extreme heat wave over his face. 

It all happens so quickly Mark wasn’t even aware that he had ever pressed the ejection button until he was floating several feet above the water, getting absolutely soaked by the splash the aircraft produces as it makes contact with the water. His body slowly lowered to the water as well, (maybe a little too slow for Mark’s liking). The adrenaline still pumped through him, making it hard to stay still as his body made contact with water. 

He uses up all his energy and adrenaline to swim to the edge of the lake. 

Once he reaches the shore, he can barely find it in himself to stand. He hears the sound of frantic voices as his body collapses to the ground and everything goes black. 

-

Much like all his mornings, your face is the first thing Mark sees when he wakes up. Though, unlike other times when you would sleepily smile or groan for another few minutes, there are tears streaming down your face and concern flooding your eyes. 

Your eyes widen as you become aware of Mark’s consciousness. Immediately, you reach out to touch him. “Oh, Thank god!” 

Despite how heavy it feels, he reaches up and sets his hand on yours. He hates seeing you like this. You launch forward to wrap your arms around his laid figure. He doesn’t have enough energy to move his arms but returns your hug by nuzzling his nose into your neck. He lets you sob against him, tears coming into his own eyes before he can stop them. His hoarse voice sounds through the room. “Don’t cry, baby. If you cry I’ll cry.” 

You pull away from him and look into his eyes. His heart breaks a bit as he sees your big beautiful eyes full of tears. “W-when Johnny called me and told you were i-in an a-accident, I thought…” You let silence speak that sentence for you. “I was so scared Mark. I thought I lost you.” 

Your broken voice and choked sobs go straight to Mark’s heart. He feels tears rolling down the sides of his face into his hairline. 

“It’s okay, baby. I’m okay. I’m here.” 

He reaches his weak hands against your back and pushes you further against him. Wanting you to feel his body, wanting you to know he was there. 

You lay your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, it goes at a steady rhythm that calms you.

Badum… badum…badum 

Mark breaks the silence, though he keeps his voice quiet as to not break the comfort you two have created. 

“Where is Elliot?” You feel the rumble from his chest on your cheek as he speaks. 

“I left him with Lucy.” He nods. 

The thought of your son makes Mark smile, then frown. The little boy was almost a replica of his father, pretty eyes, and a small nose. Straight, jet black hair and delicate shoulders. Everything except for his personality. That’s 100% you. The way the little boy squeals in delight whenever he sees Mark and runs up to him, hugging him as tight as he can. The way he always tries to make his father laugh when he can tell he had a bad day, even though he still so young. The way he brightened up Mark’s world and helped him shine. Just like you. 

Even so much as thinking of being apart from you and Elliot made fresh tears appear in Mark’s eyes. He never thought he would have so much to lose. 

“Y/n?” 

“Hmm?”

“Look at me.” You do, eyes growing wide as you see his newly formed tears. He starts talking before you can question anything. Looking seriously into your eyes: “I want you to know that whatever happens, I will always find a way to come back to you and Elliot. Always. Even if…” he pauses to gulp “even if I die, I will still be with you guys. I will never leave you, okay? I will always be there. Do you understand?” 

You nod your head as silent tears roll down your cheeks. 

“I want to hear you say it.” He says in a stern but shaky voice. His eyes hold sincerity and fear behind them. You nod your head with more force. “I understand, Mark.” His thumbs wipe the tears off your cheeks as you lean in to kiss his lips. 

The kiss is sad but heartwarming at the same time, it served as a promise between you and Mark. A promise to never be broken apart even when anything attempts to do so. 

“I love you, Mark Lee.” You say softly against his lips, he grips your clothes tighter. He rubs his nose against your own, causing you to smile. 

“Not as much as I love you, I can’t assure you.” 

Even though the circumstance was not the best, you allowed yourself to think for that time that everything was perfect. 

Even if it was just for a moment. 

-

Summer, 1967; 2 Years Before Launch

It was rare for Mark to have moments like these. Perfect moments. Your son happily runs and bounces around the house, pulling Mark along with him as he maneuvers his way through your house on clumsy small legs. 

Both you and Mark were ecstatic that he had been granted a short break during the summer. Seeing as that all of NASA’s focus would be on the test flights happening up in Washington D.C. where Johnny and a few other senior pilots were flying and showcasing different aircrafts made by NASA to powerful rich people up north, hoping to get the upcoming Apollo Project on its feet. 

Taken, the break would only be three days long but Mark would take whatever he could get to spend time with you and your son, who kept him occupied by playing games with him  and dragging him all over the house, showing Mark things like paperclips and toy airplanes that might seem simple but still made the little boy’s eyes fill with wonder as he examines it before showing it to his father. It warmed Mark’s heart to no end to spend time with his son, even though he couldn’t possibly make up the time he lost with his son in the next three days, he sure wishes he could. 

Mark is too busy looking at paperclips and making airplane soar across the imaginary sky to notice that the phone had been ringing. Not wanting to interrupt their fun, you reach answer the phone yourself. 

“Hello?” 

“Y/N?” You recognize the voice to be that of Kun’s- he was a colleague of Mark’s who had come over to your house a few times before. Though, you couldn’t imagine why he would call in like this. “Kun? Is everything alright?” 

“Is Mark there with you?” You faintly hear giggles and Mark’s voice from the living room. 

“He’s in the living room with the baby, do you want me to put him on?”

Kun inhales sharply, “No- I- fuck.” 

“Kun? What is wrong?” 

“He was doing a test flight and I don’t know what happened, there was some sort of system failure, they couldn’t even explain it, the system just fell and he came crashing down. It all happened so fast, Y/N.” 

“Kun! Slow down! What are you talking about?” 

He breathes in deeply, his frantic voice becoming a slightly more stable but still having a certain shakiness to it. “Johnny.” 

All the puzzle pieces fall into place. A crash, system failure. Johnny. Your hands begin to shake. You bring your other hand to grip the phone as well. “Is he…?” 

Kun’s silence is enough of an answer. 

Your body goes into temporary shock. Before a sob makes Its way up your throat.

Johnny, the man who had inspired your husband to follow his dreams, who became not only his mentor but also his closest friend, who walked through your front door countless times with his wife and children. Johnny who was basically like family to you. Who celebrated thanksgiving at you and Mark’s house every year. 

Johnny. Who will never get to see his boys grow into successful men and will never make it to the moon alongside his best friend like he had always imagined. 

“Johnny.” Was all you could say. 

It isn’t long before Mark emerges from the living room, your son scooped up in his arms, wearing a smile that instantly washes away as he takes in your state. 

“Are you okay? What happened?” 

You didn’t want to tell him. You wished he could spend the rest of his life not knowing; losing his best friend would destroy him. 

He sets Elliot on the ground before walking up to you, he grips your shoulders. “Y/n, what happened?” 

You look into his eyes, trying to remember what the brightness inside them looks like, knowing you wouldn’t see that brightness for a while after this. 

“Mark…” You gulp, “Mark, something went wrong in Washington.” 

Mark freezes, his eyes becoming serious. “Did anyone get hurt?” His eyes are looking directly into yours. They are already flooded with hurt and sadness, like he knows what’s coming. “Tell me.”

“It’s Johnny.”  You say. “I’m so sorry, Mark.” You see as the life slips from his eyes, and his hands slowly fall off your shoulders, hitting his sides. 

His voice sounds so small. “Johnny?” 

You stare back at him as he stares lifelessly at you, tears are streaming down your face. 

You approach him with extended arms, but he steps back out of your reach. He stays there for some time before turning abruptly towards the door, slipping on his shoes and grabbing his car keys. 

“Mark…” you say, in pleading tone. “Where are you going?” 

“I need to be alone right now.” He doesn’t look at you as he says that, his hand already gripping the door handle. 

“Mark, maybe you shouldn’t go out right-“

“I said, I need to be alone right now!” He angrily yells, causing you to take a cautionary step back and watch as he slips out the door.

-

Mark goes to the only place he could think of, the one place he feels most confident, the place where he and Johnny carried out all their mission and cheered each other on: the runway field at NASA. 

The place that had always been full of pilots, military men, NASA employees, and planes is now empty, leaving Mark alone with his thoughts. 

As he looks across the field, he can practically see the image of everything that happened here applying in his mind. Johnny teaching Mark how to fly an aircraft. 

Johnny ridiculously dancing in front of him to help relieve Mark of his nerves when it was his first solo mission. When Johnny told him that he was sure Mark was going to be on the crew that would go to the moon. That they would go together. No matter what. All the late nights they had spent working together, all the laughs, all the flights, all the near death experiences, all the plans.

 “ALL FOR NOTHING!” Mark shouts into the emptiness before his hands grip his hair tightly. He finally lets the tears fall, his body crumbling onto the ground under him. He cries out loud for his friend. The pain becoming too much to bare. He screams and shouts at no one. “Oh my god.” He says between sobs. 

-

Johnny’s service passes slowly throughout the rest of the week. 

Mark can do nothing but stare blankly as they lower Johnny’s coffin into the ground. He’s standing alone. Elliot and Johnny’s three sons play in the grass, oblivious to the tragedy that has just struck their lives, and you are sitting on the ground, the shaking body of Johnny’s wife wrapped tightly in your arms as you let her sob into you. 

You could've said you felt her pain as she breaks down in front of everyone at the cemetery, but you know for a fact that what she is showing is only a fraction of what she feels. You had imagined this happening to before; losing Mark and having to raise Elliot on your own. The pain from the thought alone is unbearable. All you can do is hold the woman closer to you, whispering encouraging things to her that really, in hindsight, do nothing but its all you had to offer. 

Mark watches you attempt to comfort her but he finds himself thinking that there is no way for you to ever comfort her enough to make up for what she has lost. He feels like pulling you away from her, he doesn’t know why. He knew how comforting your presence was to everyone, yet he wanted to take you away and tell you to leave Lucy alone. Maybe it's because he wanted to be alone. Maybe its because he wants to let her mourn in peace. Or maybe its the hurt inside his heart when he sees her suffering, knowing Johnny’s heart would have broken if he saw her like this. Maybe its because one day it could be you in her shoes. He doesn’t know.

He doesn’t know anything.

-

It is raining when you arrive home that afternoon. Mark walks into the house first, solemnly heading straight to your bedroom. You can only watch him sadly. Elliot was asleep in your arms, you close the front door with your foot before walking down the hall to his room, laying him down on the rocket patterned sheets. After planting a light kiss on his head, you enter you and Mark’s shared bedroom carefully. 

The man comes out of the walk in closet at that moment, adorned in his work clothes. His NASA badge hanging from his neck. He only spares you a brief glance as he sits on  the edge of the bed, slipping his shoes on his feet. 

“Mark, where are you going?”

“I have a lot of work to do.” 

“But…” You say, sitting next to him. “Didn’t they say you had a mourning leave?” The last place Mark should be right now is work, too many memories of Johnny and what could’ve been. You knew it was best he stayed home. He, however, seems to not hear you at all as finishes up tying his shoelaces, getting up at glancing at his reflection in the mirror briefly. Before making a brisk walk toward the front door. 

“I’ll be back after night falls, don’t wait for my arrival and just sleep.” His voice is thick and strict and so unlike the Mark you know, it’s almost intimidating. It’s also void of any emotion. 

Perhaps that’s what scared you the most. 

-

Winter, 1967; 2 Years Before Launch

The next months after Johnny’s passing go by agonizingly slow causing Mark to dive fully into his work.

Things at NASA go back to normal after a few months while everyone recovered from the shock of Johnny’s death, things were slower and the big project Johnny was working on -Apollo- was put on hold. 

Johnny had told Mark about the ambitious mission that’s main purpose was to get a man on the moon, though he had only heard of it briefly before that day.

Harsh rain is falling on the blue coat Mark held over his head as he runs into the facility in an attempt to avoid the inconvenient weather on the day his life would change forever. 

He was shrugging off the bag at his desk and tusking at the sight of his soaked coat when Kun comes rushing over to him, anxiously tapping his shoulder. “Mr. Jung wants to conduct a meeting with us.”

“Mr. Jung?” Mark can’t help but grow nervous at the mention of the head executive. “Why does he want to conduct a meeting with us?” 

Kun looks around them, before saying quietly. “He wants to launch Apollo.” The younger man steps back and looks at Kun incredulously, mouth agape and eyes wide open. 

“A-Apollo?” His voice slightly shaking, though he can’t find it in himself to care as he processes Kun’s words. 

“Yes, so let’s go! He is waiting on us.” 

After a brief pause Mark forces himself to move, peeling off his bag and setting it on his desk before following Kun down the hallway.

-

Once they arrive to the meeting room, two men are already sat there waiting. Mr. Jung is dressed in a neat suit with his hair nicely styled to the side, his hands rest on the polished table. Across from him sits Jaemin Na, his hands are resting on his knees as he bounces them nervously. Mark almost sighs out loud at the relief of seeing a familiar face in here with them. Mr. Jung greets them as they take the seats next to Jaemin, who nods at Mark with a smile which he can tell was partially forced.

“Good morning pilots, I can assure that you have an inkling on what this meeting could be about.” Mr. Jung’s deep voice carries throughout the room, the three men across from him nod. 

Kun speaks up first. “This is about Apollo, isn’t it?” 

A smile grazes Mr. Jung’s face as he nods. “Yes, it is. I am happy to inform you that the men who will carry out the first man mission to set foot on the moon are in this room with me right now.” 

A gasp catches in Kun’s throat, as he grips the arms of the meeting room chair tightly. Jaemin immediately sits up straighter and stares at the executive with wide eyes momentarily before looking to Mark for a reaction. The man in the middle, however, shows no emotion. His stoic expression causes confusion among the other men in the room. Jaemin taps his arm. “Mark, are you alright?” 

Mark avoids looking at the younger’s face as he nods, hands intertwined tightly on his lap. He really wants to tell Jaemin that he is not alright and Johnny should’ve been in this room with them and been the one to carry out the moon mission. That even though this is everything he has ever wanted, it feels so so wrong to do it without him. He clears his throat. “I’m alright.” 

The rest of the meeting is a blur in his mind, Mr. Jung discusses the details of the mission, the vigorous training the men would have to go through in the next few months and the many tests that had to be done before the mission could be carried out. He ends the meeting with a smile and a “Congratulations, men.” 

As they leave the room Mr. Jung calls out for Mark to stay back for a bit. The pilot tells his still wonderstruck colleagues to go ahead without him as he steps back into the room. “Yes, sir?” 

“Take a seat, Mark.” Mr. Jung says, setting the Apollo mission folder on top of the table. Once the other man is settled, he begins to speak. “I wanted to start off by saying I’m sorry for your loss, I knew you and John were very close.” 

Mark nods and looks down at his hands. “Thank you.” 

“And I realized you didn’t take the news of this mission very well, judging from your expression.” Mr. Jung clicks his tongue and opens the file, pointing to a part on one of the many pages. Mark recognizes Johnny’s neat penmanship and blinks his eyes furiously to suppress tears as he read the words. “John wrote in the details of the Apollo mission we were developing together that you were to be on the mission as first in command. He chose you for the passion you showed to flying and overwhelming trust he had for you.” Mr. Jung leans forward to emphasize his point. “Even before his passing, Mr. Suh has chosen you to lead this mission. Because he knew you were the best for it.” 

Mark leans back into his chair, shocked. Why would Johnny make him the leader of the mission he was planning? What not make himself the leader? What had been going through his head when he made this decision? Mark couldn’t comprehend the situation and he feels as if his chest becomes heavier and the air becomes thicker. He can’t seem to catch a breath but he does manage to stand from his chair and croak out a: “I would like to discuss this with my wife beforehand.” Before rushing out of the meeting room. 

-

The moment you hear the sound of Mark’s keys from outside the door, you stand up straighter and smooth down the wrinkles of your dress with your hands.You hate that you have begun to wonder when your husband would finally talk to you, after all this time and that you have to keep your guard up and anticipate when the man who used to go on and on to you about every detail of his day would finally even so much as breathe in your general direction. (Elliot had grown a full two inches since the last time Mark had spent a full day with him. This made you wonder how much more he would grow until you couldn’t handle Mark’s silence any longer.)  

Once he is in the house, you watch as he hangs up his coat in silence. Suddenly, to your surprise the man turns to you causing you to perk and smile immediately. (You don’t know this, but Mark’s heart string tug as he sees you so excited to talk to him. He forces a small smile back.) “Hi.”

“Hi.” He replies, hands gripping the back of a dining room chair. “I uh-” It’s almost like he has forgotten how to talk to you. “Mr. Jung held a meeting today.”

You lean forward, urging him to continue. “And…?”

“And… it’s a go.”

“What is a go?” You furrow your eyebrows at him, he looks up at you. 

“The lunar mission. Kun, Jaemin and I were brought in today to discuss it.” You stay in stunned silence, Mark grows increasingly anxious. “What do you think?” He asks, itching to know what’s going through your head.

You snap out of your stunned state, out of all the millions of thoughts rushing through your head. You’re terrified, you will admit only to yourself that your blood ran cold the second his words settled in your mind. Nevertheless, you smile. “What do I think? Mark, this is wonderful!” Confusion overshadows your fear as you see that your lover’s face isn’t full of excitement like you expected it to be, but rather discomfort and turmoil. You carefully step closer to him. “Mark? What’s wrong? Is this not what you wanted?” You make sure to keep your voice gentle as you spoke to him, though it seems your words only made matters worse for him. “Do you want to talk? I can make some tea and w-”

“No.” His stern voice resonates throughout the room, at the same time he takes a step away from you. “This is what I want and ill do it even if it kills me.” 

You gasp quietly as you step back from the pilot who is looking at you with cold eyes that have built a fortress to contain what he feels. “Mark…”

The man allows you no more words or touches as brushes past you, down the hall to your bedroom, his doesn’t slam the door but he closes it loud enough that it shakes the picture frames on the wall next to it and makes your heart beat quicken. 

You think about how this is the first time Mark has made your heartbeat accelerate in a negative way and you run your fingers through your hair is distress, wondering how much more your tired heart can take.

-

The next few months pass by in a similar fashion, Mark dives fully into his training and his duties at work and you force yourself to focus on Elliot and what to answer every time he asks where his father is. You try to explain to him that his father has been busy, that soon everything would be back to normal once Daddy does some things he needs to do. You don’t dare mention the possibility of Mark not coming back, partly for him and mostly for yourself. These days, you and Elliot learn how to depend on each other and support Mark from afar no matter how much it hurts to watch him push you away, hoping that in the end this will all be worth the pain.

-

Spring, 1968; 1 Year Before Launch 

Night falls and Mark still hasn’t returned, you still hope the result of all of this will justify the pain but you are sure it will not justify the anger.

His work days usually end at around 3pm, you knew this by remembering all the days when Mark’s would come home to eagerly greet you and your son before telling you, in detail, everything that happened that day. You sigh when you look towards the clock on the wall. 11:32pm.

Elliot had gone to sleep a few hours ago, hugging his toy airplane tightly against his chest. You are left alone with your thoughts as you wait for Mark. 

The man has been absent in your life for the past few months. He lived in the same house, slept in the same bed and went with you to all his events, he was there but he wasn’t there. 

He had lost a part of himself when Johnny died. You caught him staring at walls often, silent and thoughtful. You had to yell his name to get his attention sometimes. 

You can’t help but feel like you aren’t just mourning Johnny but also Mark. The thought makes your hand ache and an angsty feeling to bubble in your chest. 

The sound Mark’s keys interrupt your train of thought. The clock now reads: 11:49pm. You walk quietly to the kitchen where Mark currently was, taking off his coat. 

“Hi.” You say is quiet voice, afraid that you will somehow trigger him. Mark’s eyes move to you, he nods. 

“Hi.” “Where were you?” You dare.

“Just out.”

“With who?” “Why do you want to know?” 

The answer is so cold, so unlike Mark. You are taken aback. You can’t stop yourself from raising the tone of your voice slightly. “Because you’re my husband, Mark.” 

He sighs, looking away. He chooses not to answer, hanging up his keys. 

Your patience begins to wear thin, you approach him. “Where were you, Mark?”  You want to ask: ‘Where are you?’

He kisses his teeth, “I just went out for a drink with some of the guys, okay?”

You let out a frustrated sigh, the sound straight to Mark’s blood, angering him. The tone of his voice is loud when he speaks. “Does that bother you? What is the problem with me going out to drink everyone once in a while? I’m stressed, I’m tired!”

“I know, Mark. I understand that but I just wish that you would come home more, I’m worried about you!”  

He gets closer to you, there are traces of anger all over his face. His eyes are wide and his cheeks are red. “Its my job, y/n! What do you want me to do?” 

“ I just want you here with me and Elliot, that's all I want!” You throw your hands up in frustration. 

“This mission is important to me. You know that this is my dream and so fucking what if i want to go out after working all day? I deserve it!” It’s scares you how little of the him you once knew you see in these cold eyes, you don’t recognize the person in front of you.

“Believe me, I know how important this mission is to you and i'm not asking you to give that up at all, but please sort out your priorities, Mark, we are your family for god’s sake!” 

“Why can’t you understand that this mission is my first priority? NOTHING is more important than this mission.” 

Your words are caught in your throat. Your heart drops to the bottom of your stomach as his words settle in your mind. You two stare at each other in silence, chests heaving. 

You watch as his eyes softens slightly upon seeing the hurt and exhaustion that reside in your eyes. He dares to step forward, only for you to step away from him and turn your back to him. He can see the faint outline of your shoulders blades under your skin when you reach hands up to grip the sides of the kitchen sink. Your knuckles turn white from the grip and your shoulders rise and fall slowly as you try to conjure any words. 

“Y/N-“

“You know what, Mark?” You scratch your nails against the wood of your counter. “I know that you’re hurt and I understand that you need time… I get that. And I try my best to respect that but all I’ve done for the past ten years of my life is love and support you and your dream which I’m so happy that you finally get to achieve. Like, you don’t know how absolutely ecstatic I am for you.” You turn to Mark, who watches you with furrowed brows. You desperately try to get your point across to him. “And…, you can put this mission before everything and you can put everything before me and I would understand.” His lip quivers for a millisecond before he bites down on it. You poke an accusing finger at his chest, speaking through gritted teeth. “But don’t you dare prioritize anything over Elliot, okay? He needs you. He needs his father and you’re leaving no guarantee that you will ever come back.”

The last words spill out quickly, they cause tears to spill out of your eyes which you frustratedly wipe away. “So, just take some time to be with him, please?” 

He doesn’t have time to answer because you move away from him, racing down the hall to your shared bedroom. 

He stands alone in the kitchen. Thinking over your words. He realizes how selfish he has been. 

How could he have forgotten that you were also mourning Johnny? That he wasn’t the only one who had lost someone the day Johnny died? How could he not realize that on that day, you lost not just Johnny but Mark as well because he let his own grief get in the way of his judgement. How could he have forgotten that he is a father? That there is a little boy who is wondering where he is. That in his moment of fear when he thought of you in Johnny’s wife’s shoes, he tore himself away from you and Elliot. How could he have been this way to you? After all the promises he had made you. 

For them, because of them. 

How did he forget? 

His feet act before he does, moving down the halls of your house, stopping at the door of your shared room. He opens the door carefully, peering inside. His shoulders sink in defeat when he sees the vacant room. His pillow is lonely on the bed. He wanted to believe you would be in the room, waiting for him for him to come in and apologize, that everything would be instantly fixed. 

He is careful not to make too much noise as he walks down the hall, once he reaches the decorated door of your son’s bedroom he turns the handle carefully. 

The sight breaks his heart into a million pieces. You and Elliot were squeezed into his small bed, curled into each other for warmth, the duvet thrown on the floor next to you. It breaks his heart to know that he left the two of your alone due to his own selfishness, that you two had to protect and take care of each other when he was supposed to be doing that all along. It breaks his heart to know that he failed you as both a husband and a father. 

He moves carefully into the room, taking the abandoned duvet and draping it over your bodies. He watches Elliot’s chest rise and fall, his peaceful face causing fresh tears to form in Mark’s already bloodshot eyes. His shaky hand comes up to brush his black hair away from his forehead. “I’m sorry, Elli.” 

-

The next day is Saturday, meaning Mark has the day off. Still, he finds himself waking up before the sun, wanting to get away from the cold, lonely sheets that haunted him all throughout the night. 

He peeks into Elliot’s room, seeing the two of you still sound asleep. He smiles sadly, before reminding himself that he has to make it up to you two today. Mark carefully walks towards the bed, leaning down to give you each a kiss on the forehead before slipping out the door. 

-

You awoke that morning to the faint sound of Elliot’s laughter. Confusedly sitting up, you notice that you’re alone in Elliot’s blue walled room. You smell the sweet aroma, surely coming from the kitchen and immediately spring to your feet. You race to the kitchen, thinking Elliot was up to something only to be face to face with your husband who carries a tall plate of pancakes in his right hand and a spatula in the other. 

He startles when he sees you, putting down the plate rapidly and dusting the flower off his clothes. His nerves obvious to you. “Good morning.” 

You stare at him before looking at Elliot, who happily munches on some pancakes at the table, humming softly. You feel Mark’s gaze on you. “Morning.”

The sound of your voice makes him feel a bit better. “I made pancakes.”

You nod, “I can see that.” 

Your cold tone causes him to deflate lightly, you can tell but you remember the words he said to you last night and you feel like maybe he deserves it. 

“We can eat together, if you want.” His eyes look hopeful. Your heartbeat quickens. It reminds you of when he asked you to be his girlfriend or to marry him; it’s the kind of hopefulness you have never said no to. 

You say nothing as you push past him to grab a plate of pancakes before moving to the table, taking your chair beside Elliot. 

Mark stays frozen, not knowing what to do. He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable or anger you further so he stays in that spot, watching you two eat. 

“Are you coming?” 

Your mouth is stuffed with food but Mark immediately understands and moves to his place at the dining table across from you. 

Elliot giggles, “Mommy! Daddy is here today!” 

You put on a happy tone, “He is!”

Elliot looks over at Mark, who was already looking at him. “I missed you, Daddy.” 

If Mark thought his heart was broken before, he was wrong. “I missed you too, Elli. But from now on Daddy is going to spend more time with you, would you like that?” He blinks rapidly, trying to keep the tears away from his eyes. Elliot nods eagerly. 

You watch the interaction and can’t fight back a sad smile. You reach your hand out to wipe some syrup off of Elliot’s cheek, before looking Mark’s way. 

He is already looking at you. His eyes hold something in them. They want to tell you everything he is thinking, all the regret, apologies and sadness. 

“Daddy?” Elliot’s soft voice ends your long eye contact. Mark looks at your son, humming. “At school, a girl told me that when a boy looks at a girl for a long time, that means he likes her... Do you like Mommy?” 

Mark chuckles at your son’s innocent question, reaching a hand up to ruffle his straight black hair. Smiling, you lean back on your chair and watch the two of them talk. 

“I like Mommy a lot, Elliot.” 

You hide your smile from him, looking away. Elliot gasps, little hands covering his open mouth in a frantic gesture. “Does that mean you want to kiss her?”

Mark laughs once again, before looking over at you, he feels the pieces of his heart getting pulled together slightly when he catches your small smile and the blush on your cheeks. “Yes, I do.” 

You scoff, looking away. You stand up grabbing the empty plates and walking towards the kitchen, missing the moment where Elliot leans close to Mark and whispers: 

“I think she likes you too.”

-

Mark can’t believe how happy being a dad can make him. 

After breakfast, Mark had suggested going on a walk together, you declined telling him to take Elliot and spend some time alone with him. Although you’re rejection bruised him slightly, he begins to think that spending some time alone with his son is what he needed. 

Just like you, Elliot is talkative. He talks about everything under the sun, dramatically flailing his arms in order to get his point across. Mark listens and nods, laughing at the strange things his toddler had to say. 

While skipping through the park, Elliot suddenly gasps, halting all his movements. “Daddy, look!” He lets go of Mark’s hand and leans down to grab a circular pebble off the ground. 

The pebble is grey and has all kinds of bumps on it, Elliot brings it up to Mark’s face. “It looks like the moon!” Mark takes a good look at the rock, realizing his son is right, it does kind of look like the moon. 

“It does!” 

Elliot grabs Mark’s hand and sets the rock in the middle of his palm. “You can take this little moon with you when you go to the big moon. For good luck!” 

Mark’s heart bursts with love as Elliot looks at him hopefully. “That’s a great idea, buddy.” 

A big smile identical to his own forms on his son’s face, as he grabs Mark’s hand once again, pulling him down the sidewalk towards the swings. 

-

Later that night, after you hear all about their day out from an excited Elliot, Mark finally manages to convince the little boy it was time for bed. 

You hear his protests through the walls, along with Mark  coaxing and bribing him with different candies.

After a while, all the noise stops. You hear the sound of his door opening then closing before the sound of Mark’s footsteps coming down the hall. 

You look up at your reflection in the mirror of the vanity you sat at, picking up the hair brush, trying to look busy as he steps into the room. 

At first, he just stands by the door and watches you. You try your best to not look back at him even though you really want to. 

He decides to break the ice, walking up to you slowly. He holds out his hand, “Let me.”

You look up at him before setting the hair brush in his open hand. 

His hands are gentle as they weave the brush through your hair, working tentatively on every strand, making sure every knot was gone. You watch him through the mirror, his focused gaze to busy working on your hair to notice. 

“Done.” He says in a soft voice, setting your brush down on the vanity before moving behind you once again.  

The two of you look at each other through the mirror.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispers.

You quirk an eyebrow before replying “You think so?”, your fingers fiddle with the sleeves of your robe as you look at your husband who nods rapidly. 

“Of course I do.” He moves around you, facing you directly. Mark kneels down in front of you, resting his hands on the sides of the bench of your vanity. He looks up at you with his big eyes. You stare back at him, keeping your hands locked together instead of cupping his face like they were itching to do at this very moment. The two of you just look at each other for what feels like hours before Mark’s face changes suddenly, scrunching up as he lets his head fall onto your lap. You feel his hands grip you waist as his body begins to shake. You feel his tears on your thighs.

Hesitantly, you rest your hands on his head, stroking his hair in an attempt to calm him. “Mark…”

He sniffles, looking up at you with red eyes. It pains you to see him this way, so broken and sorry. You can see how much he has suffered through the exhaustion in his eyes. Guilt rises in your chest as you see your love in such a vulnerable state. “Mark, don’t cry.”

He shakes his head vigorously, “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to you, y/n. All the promises I’ve broken and how much I’ve been lacking for you and our son.”

You listen to his rant with furrowed brows. “I’ve failed you. I didn’t mean it when I said the mission was more important than you, please know that I never meant it.”

You try to swallow the lump in your throat, Mark’s words making you feel emotional. “I told you all those years ago that nothing is more important than you and that still stands. There’s nothing in this universe I love more than you, sunshine. And I will never be able to forgive myself for thinking differently for even a second.” 

He hiccups between his words, shoulders shaking as his hands grip the fabric of your robe to keep you with him. Not daring to let you go. 

“Mark, it’s okay. You’re here now, aren’t you?” You try to soothe his pain while your own cheeks are becoming wet with salty tears. He shakes his head against your thighs, a sob leaves his lips. 

“I should’ve been here always. I left you like I promised you I wouldn’t.” He cries rather loudly. “I’m so sorry, y/n. I just… saw what losing Johnny did to Lucy, and it made my heart break even more than it already was to picture you in that position. I never wanted that to happen to you, so I guess I started to push you away.” He sniffles and swallows thickly. “Now I see that was the wrong thing to do, and I’m so, so sorry.” Mark’s head falls into your lap once again as his body continues to shake. 

You don’t think you’ve ever seen him this broken before. You’ve seen him cry plenty of times, sure. But the way he hunches over, his shoulders shaking as his cries leave his mouth. You bring your hands down to caress the top of his back. 

“Lay with me, won’t you?” Mark looks up at you upon hearing your borderline shaky voice. He looks so small and fragile as he nods and stands on his two feet before you, grabbing your hands and allowing you to lead him to your shared bed. 

He never lets go, never allows even a brief moment of your skin not touching his own. 

He lays on his side, same you. The two of you are facing each other, you bring your hand up to caress the side of his sad face, his eyes immediately close. 

“I’m sorry too Mark.” You whisper, Mark’s eyes open. His eyebrows furrow. “I’m sorry you were having a hard time with everything that happened.” 

He shakes his head, “It wasn’t your fault.”

You go silent for a moment. “Mark… Johnny would be really proud of everything you’ve accomplished, you know that right?” 

There they are. 

The words Mark has been waiting to hear for the last two years. The words he worked towards. He has been waiting for them, though he never said it.

His breath hitches and his eyes become wet once again. Mark’s jaw clenches as more sobs come from him. He cries into the palm of your hand, his tears pool onto it and run down your wrist. Your lips quiver as you see the love of your life breakdown completely in front of you. 

“Sh… it’s okay, baby.”

Mark pulls you closer to him, moving down to rest his head on your chest. You stroke his hair and let him cry, whispering calming words to him. You didn’t realize that Mark had been this burdened by Johnny’s death, and how sincerely regretful he was for being absent.

It takes a while for Mark to finally pull away from your tight embrace. He looks up at you with his tear stained face. 

His voice is only a bit over a whisper but still fills the silence that occupied the room, “Thank you for always being there and for raising Elliot so well.” 

You smile. “He was happy today.”

Mark chuckles, his arms were still wrapped around your middle as he nods his head. “I was happy too.”

“I am happy to be here with you, close to you.” He corrects himself,  you chuckle lightly, scratching his back. You’re glad the man has started feeling better once again. 

“You don’t know how happy I am to have you here.” Mark moves up after hearing your words, squirming and moving until the two of you are face to face. He is so close your noses are touching, brushing against each other in a fleeting delicious moment of skin to skin contact. He stares deeply into your eyes before looking down at your lips which were still swollen from crying. Mark’s eyes move to yours once again before fluttering closed when he leans down, pressing his lips on your own. 

You had spent the last 10 years of your life kissing this man. He had never kissed you like this before. So regretful and trying to portray every ounce of love he had in his body for you. His arm wraps around your shoulders, pulling his chest flush against your own.

Mark kisses you like it was his first, but also like it was his last. Breaking away only when the burning in his lungs becomes too much, his heavy breath still fans across your lips, adding to the intimacy and heat of the room. 

-

The next morning, you wake to the feeling of a hand shaking your shoulder lightly. When you open your eyes, Mark is the first thing you see. He has a soft smile on his face as watches you. “Hey.”

Your voice is rough when you speak. “Mark, what’s wrong?” A glance at the clock hung up on the wall of your bedroom tells you in about half past 5 in the morning. “Why are you up so early?” 

“I want to show you something.” The man moves out of the bed quickly, pulling your hand and causing the sheets to falls off your body. You shiver upon feeling the coolness of dawn on your exposed skin when you stand. Mark notices and steps closer to you, his bare chest against you clothed one, bringing a certain amount of warmth to you. His eyes pour into your squinted ones. The pretty dark brown gems are fully open, which makes you suspect that he has been awake for a while. You reach hand up to smoothen out his messy hair as he watches you with loving eyes. 

Your voice is quiet when it breaks through the silence. “What is it you wanted to show me?” 

-

It had some time since you and Mark had been on a date. 

Especially one like this. 

Mark drags you up onto the roof of your house, trying his best to not be too loud to avoid waking up Elliot. He had set up his telescope on the roof, along with a small makeshift picnic including two mugs filled with hot coffee and some slightly burnt toast with jelly spread. 

He loves the way your eyes light up when you see what he set up. Feeling accomplished, Mark tugs at your stunned hand urging you to go on. You chuckle in disbelief before letting him lead you. 

Mark gestures for you to sit down on the spot next to him on the gravely roof. 

“What’s all this about?” You say to him quietly, as if anyone would be up this early to hear you. 

Mark squeezes your hand that remains in his own. “I figured this is the only way to have some time alone before Elliot wakes up.”

“There’s more.” You say as-a - matter of factly. 

“The sky's awake.” You hum, looking up at the bright sky. Mark tries to look up but he can’t seem to take his eyes off you in this moment. Maybe it’s because he has kept himself from seeing this image for a long time or because you were more beautiful than the sky anyway (maybe a bit of both). Either way, you realize Mark is looking and nudge his arm playfully. He snaps out of his daze with a shake of his head, chuckling. “Yeah, I asked it to wake up for you and I today.”

“Oh, did you?” 

Mark nods rather cutely which cause you to smile. “Well, it was very nice of the sky to lose her beauty sleep for some little specks on earth like us.” 

Mark laughs at that, before leaning over you to grab the mugs he brought up here, handing one to you before taking his one. The cold breeze that blows through the air causes you to shiver and hold your mug tighter, while Mark lets you sandwich your feet between the folds of his bent knees to keep them warm. 

The two of you sit in silence for some time just enjoying companies after so long with no tears, rencor, or tension. Just Y/N and Mark Y/NandMark. Like you always thought it would be. 

The cold reminds you of something and you giggle lightly as you look up and them, Mark raises an eyebrow at you (though there has been an ever present smile on his face). You leans forward, as does he. 

“Do you remember the story of the Gemini twins?” 

He smiles softly, becoming mush as he recalls that night. “Of course I do.” 

A lot have things have changed since that night. Things you never even imagined that night have occurred. Getting married, having Elliot, Mark getting a job at NASA, commanding the moon mission,losing Johnny, being torn apart by grief and being brought back together. 

All things you never in a million years thought would happen between you two he found you crying on the bench that day. But they did. And you wouldn’t change anything. 

“We are kind of like the twins now I think.” You say, looking up at the constellation in question. 

“How so?” Mark soft voice meets your ears and you smile. 

Shrugging, “We’ve been through a lot together. We’ve loved. We’ve created. We’ve suffered. We’ve fought. We’ve cried. We’ve been to the ends of the earth and back; without letting go. We’ve wreaked havoc on this world and have surely left our mark somehow.” 

Mark is stunned when you finish speaking. His heart swells with a feeling he can’t describe perfectly but it definitely feels lighter. It feels like the last year of his life has fallen off his shoulders like a discarded coat. For a moment he thinks the two of you have gone back in time to high school and are falling in love all over again. 

“I also forgot to mention that I get to spend eternity, at least what I have, with my best friend. Which is pretty… cool.” 

Suddenly, his mug is put to the side and his arms are wrapped around you tightly. The position is a bit awkward due to your legs being sandwiched between you two. But neither of you seem to mind, just holding on until the sunrises and the toast gets soggy. Only letting go when you hear Elliot’s calls of your names from downstairs. 

-

Summer, 1969; 1 Month Before Launch

Your lives do a complete flip after that. Mark goes back to being his old self. He still mourns the loss of his friend, of course, but he has finally allowed himself the opportunity to heal. He spends more time at home, pulls you in for random slow dances in the living room like he used to, helps you cook and watches as Elliot grows another whopping 4 inches. It still shocks him from time to time how much he has grown (sometimes even bringing tears to the corners of his eyes, but no one other than you has to know that). 

He still prepares diligently for the mission, never missing a training or practice at the base. The work is tiring, yes. But Mark knows it will be worth it in the end, when he has finally reached his dream and made everyone he loves proud. When he feels unmotivated or tired, he thinks of your smiling face, his son’s bubbly laughter, and the fact that Johnny trusted him enough to leave such a big mission on his hands. He doesn’t want to let any of you down. 

And he won’t.

These very thoughts are the one that dragged him to work this early in the morning. The sun is still in slumber and Mark wonders why Mr. Jung would’ve called the house phone yesterday and asked him to come in early the next day for a meeting. 

He brings his coat closer to him as he approaches the facility, smiling upon seeing Jaemin standing outside the door, doing the same thing. Jaemin flashes Mark a big smile and waves him over. The two shake hands when Mark finally reaches Jaemin, “I was waiting for you to get here before going in.” A gust of wind blows causing them both to shiver. “You’d think that in the summer, it would be hot,” says Jaemin, “Let’s go in before I lose my balls.” 

Mark laughs as he enters the doors of NASA. Mr. Jung is already waiting on the other side, talking to Kun who nods in greeting at his teammates. He lifts his head up upon hearing the door, smiling as he sees the familiar faces of the Astronauts. “Mr. Na, Mr. Lee, thank you for coming so early, I just wanted to get this out of the way before the busy work day ahead. Shall we move elsewhere?” 

-

They move to the meeting room where it all began, it feels strangely nostalgic to be back here again. Mark chuckles when he realizes they sat in the same order they did that day. Jaemin, then Mark then Kun on the end. Mr. Jung across them. 

Mr. Jung smiles, dimples form on the sides of his cheeks as he does. “You’ve been through a lot this year, pilots.” 

The men nod and Kun lets out a chuckle. “Just get to it, Jaehyun.” Mr. Jung laughs out loud at this. 

“Okay, okay. We have to make an important decision. As you know this will be the first man mission ever in the moon, having said that, we need to decide who will be the first man to step foot on the moon.” 

The air suddenly grows tense. None of the men ever thought of that. Silence settles for a few minutes before it is broken by the sound of Jaemin’s deep voice. “This first man should be Mark.” 

Mark turns wide eyed to the younger man. “What?”

Kun nods, “I agree, you have the best resume out of all of us, and your commander of the mission for Christ’s sake!” 

The oxygen momentarily leaves Mark’s lungs and is only knocked back in when Mr. Jung speaks to him. “What do you say Mark?” 

“I-“ he stutters, breathless. “I don’t know.” 

“Mark,” Kun says, in the most sincere voice he had ever heard him use. “Johnny would’ve wanted it to be you too, you know.” 

He does know. He takes a deep breath, and leans back in his chair, “I can’t say no to that.” 

-

Mark tells you the news that afternoon, you crash into his arms and hug him tight. His fingers weave into your hair and he pulls you impossibly close. “I’m so proud of you, Mark.”

You pull away and brush at strand of stray hair that has fallen off onto his forehead. “Who knew that astro nerd would be the first man on the moon?” 

Mark pulls away, gasping in fake offense. “What do you astro nerd? I was super cute in high school!” 

“I didn’t say you were ugly, I said you were a nerd.” You say pushing playfully. He grabs the hand you pushed him with and pulls you close to him. 

“A nerd that stole your heart, right?” He says quietly, you can’t help but giggle, feeling the bubbliness in your heart of not young love but love that has been around for some time. Love that has gone through ups and downs and to hell and back. Love that has grown stronger and stronger as the years passed and shaped you into new people. Love that has no end. Love that goes to the moon and back (except like, a million times). 

“Right.” You smile. “It’s still all yours.”

-

Summer, 1969; 1 Day Before Launch 

Elliot is so tall that he can finally reach the doorbell of Jaemin’s modest suburban house when you arrive for the house party he decided to throw the day they were given off before the Launch. He used his big smile and promises of some of his wife’s delicious ribs he’s always talking about to convince Mark to come. 

It takes about two minutes until Jaemin’s bright face appears from behind the door. He smiles upon seeing Mark, going in for a side hug immediately. “Ohh, Mark. I’m glad you could make it.”

He moves to you and give you a brief hug, telling you its been too long since you last saw each other and that it’s nice to see you again. He ruffles Elliot’s hair and bends down to his height. “Look at you! You’ve gotten so tall!” 

Elliot giggles, “Mommy says I grew 4 inches!” To emphasize, he holds up 4 chubby fingers. Jaemin’s eyes widen and he plays along. 

“No way!” 

The three of you laugh as Jaemin leads you into the house finally. It's full of people, some talking, others eating  and some dancing in the spacious living room. The atmosphere is wonderful. The kind you wish to be in all the time. 

Jaemin’s wife- Victoria-  finds you as soon as you walk in, excitedly greeting you and Mark before dragging you off somewhere. Elliot makes friends with one of Jaemin’s twins, Gaby, and sits down on the floor to play airplanes with her. 

Mark and Jaemin find their way to the backyard, sitting down as they sip on cold beers. 

Jaemin coos as a big golden retriever approaches him excitedly and licks his hands. Jaemin turns to Mark. “This is the only other man in the house, Jojo.” Mark laughs, petting the dog who instantly leans into his touch, enthusiastically licking Mark’s hand to show his appreciation. “He’s gonna protect my girls while I’m gone.” Jaemin looks down at the dog who watches him unaware of the task he was given. “Right, buddy?” 

The dog barks back, as if answering. Jaemin laughs, “That’s right!” 

Mark watches with a smile. “Maybe I should get a dog for Elliot when I come back.” Mark realizes this is the first time they had ever talked about what would happen after the launch. It makes him feel assured in some way. 

Jaemin smiles softly, “I’m sure he’d like that.”

-

The party goes by quickly, to you and Mark’s dismay. Lucy drops by with her sons, Mark remembers you had mentioned the party to her. Still, he was pleasantly surprised to see her there. She is sporting a big smile and a pretty baby blue dress. 

“Lucy, hi!” Mark says as the woman hugs him tight. 

They engage in small talk until Lucy tells Mark she has something for him. 

They walk out on the front patio. “I thought really hard about but I concluded it was for the best.” She opens her handbag and pulls out something that seems to be wrapped in layers of newspaper. She hands it to Mark, who unwraps it carefully. Eyes widening and immediately becoming teary as he sees the badge. “Those are his wings. Please take it with you when you go up there, it will make me feel like he completed his mission.” 

Mark runs his hand over his face, wiping his tears. “Yes, of course.” Lucy nods, smiling, looking off at the road. 

“Johnny would be really proud of you, you know.” She says. “He would always come home and go on and on about how good you were and how much he wanted to see you succeed.” She looks at Mark, touching his shoulder in a comforting gesture. “That man really cared about you. You were his best friend.”

“He was mine.” Mark says, in a shaky voice. Clearing his throat, “I’m sure I don’t have to mention how many times he talked to me about you, right? He was crazy about you.” Lucy smiled bashfully, somewhat sadly.

“Well let’s not make it a competition now…” she says with a laugh. “He never let me forget how much he loved me.” She adds after sometime, bringing a hand up to wipe her cheek where one tear had managed to slip. 

Mark steps closer to her and rests one hand on her shoulder, and clutches Johnny’s badge with the other. “I will make sure Johnny completes this mission with me, and that he goes down in history for everything he did.” 

Just like that the days became hours.

-

 Summer, 1969; 7 Hours Before Launch 

You were awake hours before the alarm went off. So was Mark, the two of you laid side by side, facing each other in silence for hours that night until Mark’s alarm went off before dawn. He doesn’t break eye contact with you as he reaches over to switch off the alarm. 

He will admit, he’s scared if he takes his eyes off for even one second everything will become too real for him to handle. He traces a delicate hand down the side of your bare arm slowly, trying to memorize what your skin feels like. 

You are the first to break the silence. “You should have breakfast before you go.” 

Mark nods, but stays where he is. Not moving a muscle. Not until his alarm rings again, reminding him that time is ticking. You shut it off this time, pulling him out of bed and into the bathroom for his morning routine. “Just think of it as a normal day of work.” You say. Mark nods and undresses to shower in front of you. He leans towards you and wraps you up in his arms, bringing you close to his naked body. Mark reaches a hand up to unclip the gold clip that held up your hair, letting it fall down. 

“Shower with me? Please.” 

So you do. Solemnly washing his jet black hair for him as he just relishes in your presence for a long as he can. 

After your shower, you prepare breakfast as Mark goes into Elliot’s room. The little boy is sound asleep, sleeping all curled up just like you do. Mark can’t help but let out a sad smile. He sits on the edge of Elliot’s bed and brushes his fingers through his son’s hair, careful not to wake him. His voice carries out into the room with a whisper. 

“I’ll be back home, Elliot. I promise.” He doesn’t notice he is crying until he sniffles lightly. “And I’ll get you a dog like one Uncle Jaemin has, he said you would like it. I think so too.” 

He receives nothing but soft snores in response, he leans down and presses a long, firm kiss onto Elliot’s forehead. “I love you. To the moon… and back.” 

-

Mark feels like all his pennies have been spent as he stands across from you at the door way. He had told himself this would be the worst part, (and he was right) but he also told himself he wouldn’t be like this. However, he can’t help it. Not when the fear of this possibly being the last time he sees you creeps up on him. 

You pull him into a final hug, scratching his back soothingly and trying to engrave how his warmth felt to your memory. Mark’s fingers shakily clutch the fabric of your nightgown, scared to let go even when you attempt to pull away. “Just a little longer.” He whispers.

You feel a tear fall down your cheek down your neck, you wipe it away as you step away from him. 

“Don’t do that.” You say sternly. “Don’t act like we won’t see each other again. Because we are. Everything will be fine, you know that right?” (You don’t know if you’re saying this for him or yourself at this point.)

Mark doesn’t know. Still, “I know.” 

He leans forward and presses a long kiss on your lips, your hands cup the sides of his face lovingly. Once he pulls away, he walks slowly at first before suddenly gaining speed and finally reaching his car. 

Mark takes one last glance at you. 

“I’ll see you later, sunshine.”

-

Summer, 1969; 5 Hours Before Launch

Jaemin is waiting outside as usual when Mark arrives to the facility. It almost makes it feel like any other work day if it weren’t for the tears rolling down Jaemin’s cheeks Mark sees when he finally reaches him. It’s the first time he had seen Jaemin cry, he can’t help but feel a pang in his heart at the sight of the usually bright man in such a state. 

Jaemin doesn’t seem to notice him at first, Mark places a hand on his shoulder to both alert him of his presence and comfort him. Upon seeing his coworker, Jaemin sniffs harshly, rubbing his hand over his face, forcing a smile at Mark. “Mark, good morning.” 

Mark watches the younger man avoid his eyes, looking down at his clothes and the floor. 

He thinks of what Johnny would do, since he always knew what to do. He rubs Jaemin’s shoulder. “Everything will be alright.”

Jaemin bites his lip, balancing himself on the balls of his feet restlessly before looking back at Mark. “I know, but I can't help but worry.” Mark knows the types of thoughts going through Jaemin’s head, and he would love to do anything to ease him, however, all he can do is listen. “Those are my girls, man. My wife and my babies, if I don’t come back they’re gonna be all alone.” Jaemin makes himself more emotional with the thought. “I’m supposed to protect them.”

Mark feels a lump in his throat. He has never heard Jaemin talk so negatively, he wants to tell him that he knows exactly what he is feeling right now and that he should be worried. He remembers his plan of doing what Johnny would do.

“I am worried about that too, if I’m being honest.” He starts, Jaemin looks up at him. “I’m scared Elliot will grow up without a father and I’m scared of making my wife a widow. Terrified, even.” Mark’s eyes find Jaemin’s -who waits for Mark’s next words patiently. “But then I think of why I decided to do this. To make them proud, to give them everything they could ever need and want. Because they told me I could do it, and I know they would never lie to me. Because they supported me everything step of the way and always believed in me.” 

“Johnny used to say this thing that I carry with me every day.” He pauses. “For them, because of them. Whenever I was worried about anything I would tell myself this over and over.”

Jaemin smiles, “For them, because of them.” 

Mark nods. “You’ll see your girls again, Jaemin. Just so they can say how proud they are of you.” 

The other pilot smiles, nodding. “Thank you, Mark.” 

Mark smiles, feeling better than when he arrived. Feeling like if Johnny were here right now, he’d clap a hand on his shoulder and tell him he’s all grown up, laughing at Mark’s seriousness. He’d tell Mark he made it and Mark would smile. 

Because he did.

-

Summer, 1969; 2 Hours Before Launch

Mark can barely hear the questions being asked over the loud flashes of the bulky cameras being held by the interviewers and journalists. They had been informed there would be a press conference before the launch, which is why  him, Kun and Jaemin are sat a long table behind name plates that stated their names and positions in the mission.

Mark squints his eyes at the short woman who was selected to ask a question. 

“Hello, I have two questions for Mr. Lee, as the commander of the mission do you feel any added pressure?” He almost says that he absolutely does, (which would be the truth) but he knows that as commander his duty was to reassure the team and keep everything in control. 

“I think, uh-” He clears his throat, “I don’t feel that much pressure due to the fact that i know i have a good team backing me up.” He gestures to the men next to him, who smile nod at him. 

“I’m glad to hear that,” Says the woman, “My second question is: Are there personal items you will take with you on this journey?” 

Mark thinks about Johnny’s badge that sits in the pocket near his chest, and the small pebble Elliot had given him months ago. And the hair clip he snatched out of hair this morning that is clipped to the right wrist of his undersuit. He chuckles and nods at the woman. “Yes, there are a few.”

“Care to share?” 

He shakes his head after a few moments. “Perhaps when we return. Just know I take many of my loved ones up there with me.” 

The rest of the conference passes smoothly, Jaemin answers some questions about his family with a wide smile that leaves everyone in the room’s hearts melted. Kun stuns interviewers with his impressive answers, and even talks of his wife- Pom-  who also worked at NASA herself as an analyst. 

Mark watches proudly as they speak, thanking the heavens for giving him the team he got, he couldn't even imagine completing this mission with a different set of people. 

-

Summer, 1969; 15 Minutes Before Launch

Elliot’s small hand is engulfed by your bigger one as you pull him along with you to the viewing area of the launch. You can feel the pool of your sweat against your son’s hand and tell yourself it’s just the heat of the summer and not the fact that your husband is about to risk his life. 

Once you arrive to the seating area, Victoria and Pom are already there. As soon as they see you they motion you over. Your immediately engulfed in Victoria’s arms, her hug is warm and tight, Pom also takes this opportunity to drape her arms over the two of you bringing you into a group hug. It brings you comfort, and you’re overwhelmed by gratefulness over the fact that you’re not alone in this. 

Once you pull away, Victoria’s worried eyes meet yours, there are tears lining her waterline but she still manages to force a smile. “We got this, right?” 

You nod, rapidly. Wiping away the tear that fell from your eye and then reaching up to wipe her cheeks as well. Pom rubs your arm comfortingly, no tears in her eyes as she tries to stay strong for the two of you. “Everything will be alright, ladies. They will be back in no time.” 

This time, Victoria nods along with you. The three of you walk together to your seats, Elliot sits down next to Jaemin’s twins who immediately invite the boy into their conversation. You smile faintly seeing them interact. 

You’re about to mention how cute they are to the others when you feel a tap on your shoulder. You turn abruptly and are met by Lucy and her three sons. She smiles down at you affectionately. You jump up to hug her, suddenly overwhelmed by emotions, you begin to sob on her shoulder. “T-thank yo-u for coming.” Lucy leans back and wipes your face in a motherly gesture.

“How could I not?” She says in a soft voice. “They’re making history, plus I knew my baby was gonna need someone to be there for her.” It makes you smile that after all these years Lucy still calls you her baby even if the age gap between isn’t much, you remember the day of baby shower and smile softly. Bringing her into another hug, you whisper. 

“You’re the best, you know that? You’re so strong.” Her arms hold you tighter and her voice meets your ears not much later, the answer being one you should’ve expected from her.

“I know.” 

-

Summer, 1969; 2 Minutes Before Launch

Mark bites his lip as he listens closely to the words coming through the headset. There’s sweat running down his forehead onto his neck. He looks over at Kun and sees the sheen of sweat on the man’s face as well as he presses all the buttons the person at headquarters is instructing him to press while trying to control the shaking of his hands. 

Mark hears Jaemin curse through his headset. “This feels like a dream.” Mark can agree with this but has taken to staying silent for the time being. 

He leans back and closes his eyes with a sigh, shifting under his many seat belts. He gulps loudly as mission control call the beginning of the launch. 

The three men to their practiced protocol for launch and move to lay flat on the seat as they were told to do. 

-

Summer, 1969; 30 Seconds Before Launch 

On land, you bite your fingernails and Victoria looks away in fear. Pom throws an arm over her, and rubs her back but there’s a shake in her hands that gives away her nerves. 

In the aircraft, Mark breathes in deeply and thinks of things that calm him. Jaemin has taken to gripping the seatbelts anxiously and Kun rests his head on the back of his chair and sighs out loud. 

Your six minds are restless. 

Mark thinks about dancing in the living room with you and kissing you after you’ve both had too much wine. He thinks about Elliot crawling into your bed in the mornings. He thinks about the times he and Johnny laughed until it hurt and all the times Jaemin and Kun would crack jokes while practicing for this very launch. 

-

Summer, 1969; 6 Seconds Before Launch 

He thinks about his grandfather and what he would say if he saw Mark right now. He thinks about his attic window where it all started, about the tulips your grandmother had planted in her garden. 

“5..” He thinks about how you might be feeling right now. 

“4..” He hopes you’re not scared.

“3..” He wonders if you’re holding Elliot’s hand.

“2..” He wants you to know he loves you. 

“1.” 

-

Summer, 1969; 0 Seconds Before Launch

The force pushes his body flush against the seat of the aircraft, making hard to breathe for a brief moment. The rattling noises are all he can hear as the craft ascends. His hands clutch the seat tightly as he waits for the worst part to be over. 

You watch as the rocket blasts off the ground and into the air. Biting your nails and praying to every god that everything goes well. 

Elliot excitedly tugs your hand. “Mommy look at that!”

You smile forcefully at him and pat the jet black hair on his head. Then looking up at the craft that holds your everything as it disappears into the sky. 

-

Summer, 1969; 7 Hours After Launch

The voices through the television ring throughout you and Mark’s house giving updates of the coordinates of the spacecraft and telling the billions of people watching that everything is going just as planned. 

Victoria, Lucy, their children and Pom have decided to come over after the launch and wait for any news together. 

The children are happily playing on the floor in the living room and the woman are talking only briefly and silencing whenever the reporter comes with an update. 

Night falls and you are all still in your house, you offered for them to stay in your guest rooms which they accepted. Victoria stayed with her girls in the guest bedroom, Lucy and her three boys stayed in Elliot’s bedroom while Pom slept in the next guest bedroom.

You and Elliot take your bedroom. The little boy lays close to you, cuddled into your side. It's nearing 1am and your eyes are still wide open, you run your hand through Elliot’s hair to try to calm your racing mind. A smile moves onto your lips as you touch his hair, which is a replica of his father’s  just like the rest of him. 

“Mommy?” You startle slightly as Elliot’s small voice meets your ears and he turns in your hold suddenly. 

“What’s wrong, Elliot? Did I wake you?” The boy shakes his head, he leans forward until your noses are touching, he lets out a giggle which makes you smile. You rub your nose on his before leaning back. “What is it then?”

“Daddy’s going to be okay.” He says, “And we’re going to be okay too.” You blink your eyes furiously to mask the burning that arose around them at his words.

You pinch his cheek briefly before kissing his forehead and pulling his head into your chest. “I know, baby.” 

“Daddy told me to tell you that.” This makes you chuckle sadly.

“I’m sure he did.”

-

Summer, 1969; 3 Days After Launch

Once they finally reach the moon, they are instructed to orbit around it a few times while the crew members prepare for landing. The pilots complete this part of the mission and in no time they have the aircraft hovering over the lunar surface. It docks on the surface with no complications. Kun’s takes control of the aircraft, sitting up front as Mark and Jaemin move to the spacious area behind the seats where everything they needed was found. 

“Are you ready for this?” Says Jaemin, who is currently stepping into the tight undersuit he was to wear under the space suit. Mark is zipping his up and chuckled nervously. 

“Yeah, you?” 

“Shitting my pants, but yeah. I feel ready.” Mark knows it’s half truth and half to release the tension floating through the air. It makes Mark and Kun laugh, Mark appreciates the gesture. 

The two help each other into their main suit, the bulky expensive material is a lot lighter but also a lot more complicated than it looks. It takes them 10 minutes to completely get their suits on, in this time the crew members at headquarters have stated it was safe to leave the aircraft. 

Mark and Jaemin finish putting on their helmets, sealing them and waiting for the oxygen supply to reach the helmet space completely before approaching the opening dock of the aircraft which would lead him to a smaller area excluded from the main aircraft area. An area that was exposed to the lunar surface. 

Mark takes a deep breath and reaches for the handle. “You’re making history today, Mark.” Kun says, watching his colleague and long time friend, open the hatchet. Mark turns and smiles at him, he says something but the words reach Kun’s headset a few seconds delayed.

 “We’re 

making history.” Kun nods, as does Jaemin. 

They see Mark off with a good luck.

Once on the other side of the door, Mark immediately reaches for the next door, opening it wide and looking out. 

It’s quiet. It’s so so quiet. The only sound being the static of the headset and Mark’s breathing. The sky is vacant of any blinking stars, making it just a black abyss. Oddly enough, Mark finds it beautiful.

The tension begins building up once again as he is instructed to use the ladder latched onto the side of the aircraft to make his descent to the lunar surface. His gloved hands shake violently as he grabs the ladder and steps his first foot on it. Mark takes his time going down the steps, taking deep breaths and pauses after each one until he was finally at a distance where he could step down. 

In the calmest voice he could muster, he says. “I will step on the lunar surface now.” 

As he lets go of the ladder, and he left boot touches the dusty surface of the moon Mark’s hit with the realization that he finally is that someone. That kid who looked through the attic window that night with his grandfather is that someone. A million thoughts rushing through his head that are interrupted by the sound of cheers and applause through the headset. “Any words, Mr. Lee?” 

Mark suddenly remembers the words he had practiced with Mr. Jung a few weeks before the launch and chuckles in disbelief. “It’s one small step for man, but a giant leap for mankind.”

The applause erupted again. Mr. Jung’s voice sounds through the headset. “Not bad. Billions of people are watching you right now.”

Mark seemed to forget that the mission would be broadcasted throughout the world. “They can hear what I’m saying?” 

“Yes.” 

Mark sighs shakily, “Is it okay, if I say something personal?” Jaehyun hums Yes. 

Mark looks at the marble looking place he calls home and feels an overwhelming amount of pride, tears arise in his eyes. “Y/N,” he breathes out, “We did it.” 

-

“One small step for man, but a giant leap for mankind.” Sobs of happiness immediately rack your body as you press the heels of your palms into your eyes. The other woman are around you cheering and some even crying too. 

Mark finally got to achieve his dream of being the first man on the moon. You are so unbelievably proud proud of him, you knew no one else deserved it more than him. You cry even harder when Elliot jumps up at the sound of his father’s voice coming from the TV. “Daddy’s on TV!” You laugh and nod at him, pulling him close and kissing the crown of his head, tears still streaming down your face. 

“They can hear what I’m saying?” You hear your husband’s voice and chuckle at him asking such a question on national television. However, you freeze when you hear what he says next. “Can I say something personal?”

You’re breathing halts when he says your name, “Y/N,” you lean your head on Elliot’s and close your eyes tightly. “We did it.” 

You smile despite the sobs rising within you, you whisper, hoping the messages will somehow get to him. “To us.” 

-

Victoria’s shoulders relax and tears leave her eyes as Jaemin follows Mark onto the moon, and the speaker of the television transmits his excited, “Look at us!” She laughs at her husband’s bubbly behavior and wipes her eyes, leaning over to kiss her two girls, thanking God that at least the first half of the mission went as planned. 

-

Mark and Jaemin spend 2 hours exploring the area before it’s time to board the aircraft. Mark let’s a hand rest on his chest where Johnny’s wings are, he pats them twice. He knows Johnny is probably watching from somewhere and proudly bragging to anyone who would listen that Mark had been the rookie he recruited all those years ago, he tells him in his head that he couldn’t have achieved his goal without his guidance and friendship. They started this together, and they will finish it together. 

-

Summer, 1969; 4 Days and 20 Hours After Launch 

The descent of the aircraft to Earth had every person on the planet biting their nails. This part was said to be the most dangerous, due to having the most risks at hand. Also the fact that NASA lost connection to the aircraft and therefore could not contact any of its crew members. 

The children were currently taking their afternoon naps, leaving the three of you alone is nervous silence to imagine the worst. “It’s ok,” says Pom, “This was very possible occurrence since the speed they must be going at prevents the connection from staying stable. They’ll report back in a bit.” You take her word for it, she does know more than you do about these things. She is nervous, but you expected her to be since the aircraft carries her beloved as well. You appreciate how strong she has been for you two this whole time, and place a hand above her, hoping the action will express your gratitude.

After waiting an impossible 6 silent minutes, static begins to sound and the three of you perk up. “Houston?” It’s Kun’s voice. Pom clutches a hand over her heart in relief as the crew gets back in contact with headquarters. 

-

Summer, 1969; 7 Seconds Before Arrival

Overwhelming heat is the only way Mark can explain the atmosphere in the aircraft right now, the craft is going in a downwards trajectory a few hundred thousand miles per hour into the Pacific Ocean and Mark briefly fears it might burn up before it gets there. 

However, Mark’s fears have no time to become a reality because the aircraft is suddenly splashing down in the ocean. 

Mark let’s go a breath he had been holding and thanks god a million times. The mission was a success, and they had arrived to planet Earth safely. Jaemin laughs in relief. “Holy shit, we made it.” 

For the first time since the launch, Kun genuinely laughs out loud. “I can’t believe it!” 

Mark chooses to stay silent, but is smiling widely, anticipating seeing your face when they finally get home. 

-

Jaemin is the first one to emerge from the aircraft. Immediately finds the camera attached to the helicopter hovering above them and throwing a peace sign, then a kiss which is obviously intended for the crying woman next to you who finally allows herself to breathe for the first time in 4 days upon seeing her husband’s face. Kun is next, Pom cries for the first time and laughs when she sees that Kun opts for an awkward wave at the camera rather a bright entrance like Jaemin did. 

You hold your breath, you don’t know why, but you do. And then you see the crown of his head emerging from the opening and let it go. He looks up at the camera only because Jaemin tells him there is one and smiles awkwardly while saluting. You laugh in relief, in happiness, and suddenly Victoria is jumping over you and Pom, causing you both to crash on the couch in a group hug. “They did it!” 

All you can do is laugh and cry, but that’s okay. Because the Launch was a success and Mark was coming back home to you. 

-

Summer, 1969; 12 Hours After Arrival 

After the arrival, the 3 men go into a mandatory 21 day quarantine at the NASA facility, Mark’s heart ached to see you and he restlessly paced the small room they were given within the confinement area.  There was a bed shoved into the corner and a desk in the other, it would’ve felt like a prison cell to Mark if it weren’t for the people who pass by his room every now and then to congratulate him and thank him for his bravery. And although he was grateful for the praise and the nice comments, you were the only thing on his mind. 

He is rubbing down his face with both his hands when a female worker wrapped in a protective suit knocks at his door. Mark perks up and rushes to the door, opening it. He greets the woman with a nod. “You have a visitor, Mr. Lee.”

His heart races and he breaks into a smile, the woman chuckles at the man. “Mrs. Lee was very eager to see you as well.”

Mark nods, staying quiet with a smile on his face as the woman leads him down the hall to the room you were waiting for him in. Upon seeing you through the glass division separating you two when walking through through the door, something snaps in him and he instantly runs to the chair set opposite to you and falls weak into it. 

You let out a teary laugh of relief as you finally see your love walk up to you. Tears began streaming down his own face now, and he knows if it weren’t for the glass dividing you, you would’ve already wiped them away for him. He leans forward and smile while watching you with loving eyes. 

It feels like he can finally breathe. Ever since he made this his dream, he always wondered about all the what if’s of the mission, about whether he would live to see another day or to see Elliot or you. He breathes knowing he no longer has to think of whether that mission could cost him his life, because it didn’t and he's here.

And he is never ever leaving your side. 

You motion to the landline phone placed next to you, then to the identical one on his side. He nods, picking it up.

Neither of you says anything. Just sitting in silence and staring at each other wondering if any of this is even real. “You’re okay, Mark.” 

Mark sniffles quietly, wiping his tears. He sees your tear filled eyes as well. Words keep leaving you as you try to calm him. “You made it back, thank you for keeping your promise.” 

He face contorts as he cried harder, the sound of your voice doing a number on his heart. He looks down at his lap as he cries, you observe your husband with furrowed brows. “Hey Mark,” your soft voice meet his ear and he looks up, he expects you to say something. Instead you bring your left hand up and press your palm against the glass. He does the same on his side, pressing his hand as hard as he can into the glass as if it would break away and allow him to interlace his fingers with your own. 

The eye contact you two share is sweet, sad and love filled. Yours eyes conveying so many emotions of relief and happiness. 

After a long silence, Mark’s hoarse voice sounds for the first time. “Now, I’ll spend all my days with you and Elliot. I’ll get him that dog I was talking to Jaemin about, a puppy so they can grow up together, you think he’d like that?” His voice is a sweet song that entrances you, all you can do is smile dreamily and nod.

“We would get to work on our second as well.” This makes you laugh, you can tell Mark was trying to brighten the mood. 

“Oh hush you.” You say playfully, leaning back in your chair with a wide smile on your face. Mark smiles along with you before adding: 

“Maybe a girl this time?” His voice sounds partially playful but there’s also some underlying genuity to his words. “Would- would you like that?” His words suddenly sound nervous. 

You feel fresh tears blossom in your eyes, nodding.

“I would like that a lot, Mark.” 

Another silence falls over the two of you, but it’s comfortable. Your eyes watching each other; carefully studying every detail of each other’s faces that had already been engraved in your minds. He leans forward and leans his forehead on the glass, eyes watching you as he waits for you to do the same. (You momentarily apologize in your head to the person who has to clean this mirror later on.) 

“Hey, Y/N…”

You hum, eyes closed. The air you exhale creates a mist in the area right before your lips.

 Mark feels invincible. He always has with you, even when he pushed you away, you still held on and made him feel like he could do anything. With you, in a way, he feels immortal. Like the two of you are engraved in the sky and will forever be sparkling bright in the night sky when the sun finally lays to rest. 

“The Gemini twins wish they had a story like ours.”

[elizabeth-mitchells]

If you’re still doing Andromaquynh asks how about All This Bad Blood by Bastille (2 albums for the price of 1)! - lightdescending

this one was dangerous bc i just knew there would be a lot. there could be more but i had to stop myself from going into too much detail lol

All This Bad Blood x Andromaquynh

it’s about the soft but painful moments when it’s all about the memories of their past and promises of their future, a lot of angst but they’re still smiling, it’s about discussing mortality together. my personal favorites for andy and quynh:  oblivion, haunt, laughter lines, skulls

"But if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?" well, yeah. but okay, imagine a very emotional reunion, heavy on the angst, and then finally it’s just the two of them, but the world feels so new, andy is mortal, everything is too much, and Andy says that to Quynh... plot twist, that line being a comfort

things we lot to the fire ocean, that’s a big mood for Andy and Quynh. for all the immortals isn’t most of their life just constantly losing things? Andy and Quynh losing each other just hits a little harder. also, in contrast to the previous song, there’s "Do you understand that we will, Never be the same again?"

"If we're only ever looking back, We will drive ourselves insane" now I will be haunted by the idea of Andy and Quynh just constantly struggling to move on from their past, it hurts

"These words are all we have, We'll be talking" three. thousand. years. these women have been together for an incomprehensible amount of time. they have shared countless nights just talking to each other. can you imagine thousands of years, hundreds of languages, just the two of them, and never running out of things to say? sure, the silence is just as special, but imagine eavesdropping a conversation between these two just... wow

"These streets are yours, you can keep them, I don't want them" exhibit A. Andy and all the places she doesn't want to return to without Quynh because it's too painful. exhibit B. all the places Quynh can't stand to visit yet because everything is too new, too changed, where are all the places where she made all those memories with Andy??

"You're under the weight of living" do i even have to say anything about this

""Look who's digging their own grave"" Quynh coming out of the ocean to shame Andy for the drinking habits

"Are you going to age with grace? Are you going to leave a path to trace?" soft andy and quynh discussing immortality AND mortality... oh that one hurts

"All of your flaws and all of my flaws, When they have been exhumed, We'll see that we need them to be who we are, Without them, we'd be doomed" against my own belief, the fact is that Andy and Quynh are not perfect, they must have flaws, regrets, mistakes behind them, and they only understand them together

"Moving along At a pace unknown to man" well they are immortal after all arent they

"This is your heart, Can you feel it? Can you feel it?" im having some “coming back from the dead to need some reassurance that they are still alive and together” feelings

"How am I gonna get myself back home?" if Andy's home is Quynh then... ouch

"Can you stand the person you've become?" and the feeling of "When you just can't seem to shake the weight, Of living" that has to be a feeling that keeps coming back to them again and again

"Tell me a piece of your history, That you're proud to call your own, Speak in words you picked up, As you walked through life alone" andromaquynh early days!! getting to know each other!! their pasts!! teaching each other their languages!!! sharing all their stories!!!

"You took me to your favourite place, On Earth, To see the tree they cut down, Ten years from your birth, Our fingers traced in circles, Round its history, We brushed our hands right back in time, Through centuries" not only the entire vibe of this song is perfect for them, I just get a lot of feeling from that line because nature is one of the things that’s always changing but still somehow there Are places in this world that will look familiar to them even after thousands of years, unlike humanity, and isn’t that beautiful?

"I have written you down now, You will live forever" poets andy and quynh!!!! okay but seriously imagine them writing about each other and that proof of their love surviving as long and even longer than the two of them. im going to cry. also. plot twist andy actually IS sappho (omg this is where i wrote down That hc)

"I'll come back to haunt you, Memories will taunt you, And I will try to love you, It's not like I'm above you" the romance of being deeply haunted by the memory of the lover you lost to the bottom of the ocean

“Your dreams and memories are blurring into one” come on.... listen, i don’t mean to make make everything about andromaquynh but yes i do and this is about them

“When I see it through your eyes, tt’s alive, it’s alive, Now I understand your lives” im hurt by the thought of quynh living through the other's dreams, watching andy through the other’s eyes, but it’s okay bc one day they'll come to england to commit crimes against the church to heal

“Won't you teach me how to love and learn? There'll be nothing left for me to yearn”  centuries of solitude and finally getting a chance to love another person that’s just like them?? they’ll be learning together! loving how they want to love and be loved for the first time!!

“When all of our friends are dead and just a memory, And we're side by side; it's always been just you and me, For all to see” :O he said it!! just you and me!! until the end!!

[cruecifymesixx]

Love and Leather /part eighty two/

Word Count: 6k

A/N: sorry it took so long! enjoy! feedback is always appreciated

Warnings: language,semi fluff

Taglist:   , @aryssav , @miserablecunt , @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol, @fandomshit6000, @anntheboneless,  @justjodeye, @supernaturalvikingwhore, @hi-my-name-is-riley, @extremesadnerding, @thatbandchick39, @awkwrdcait, @countrygirlswonderland, @awesomealmostdopestudent, , @tashy-bear, @krazykatkay456, @terror-triplet, @shouttatthedevill @beachystars, @rodriguez025, @kickstart-myheart-sixx, @s-outhie, @anxious-diabetic, @awkwardblackgirls, @rockersbox, @shamelessobsessions, @jerseytaint, @lilytalebi, @criminalyetminimal, @motley-queen, @trapt-in-a-dream,  @broke-n-bitchy @thanks2pete,  @lovesick-heart0, @keepcalm-and-beyou, @miriampraez, @teenwolflover28, @lilyhw1, @motherloovebone, @random-internet-user-4471, @falcon-arrows, @talranocchia2001,  @waywardprincess666, @iluvmesomemarvelndc, @zoenicoles, @vamprlestat, @supersoldierballerina, @primal-screamer @electradestiny, @marshbev, @n0-sh0rtage-0f-faults, @cruebaby, @ggorehorror, @valentines-in-london, @miss2001babe, @nassauartist  @cmft-jr-winchester, @bokkie92, @notworthyofyou1120 @xrosegoldwolfx, @lauravic, @mgkobsessed, @chaoticvybe,  @kellysimagines @thoughtsoftheantagonist @marvelismylifffe, @sleepyjunhong  @meetthesixxter @sparxx27 @gingerspicetalks @kaitieskidmore1 @unknownoblivion @nevergoodenuffbutokaaayyy @sublimeprincesswasteland @kylieinwonderland @haileynicoleseavey17 @lavendersoundbarrier @youretheonlyonewhomakesme, @xxisxxisxxis, @dogmom2014, @cruesixxlover1991, @xpoisonousrosesx,  @m0rnlngstar​, @findingmyths,  @i-want-to-shoot-myself, @arianareirg, @fentitrbl,  @motleycrueprincess, @redlipscrystalskies14, @samanthadegaro @jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels @thechangingme, @makaelahdelvalle, @oskea93, @idkmanhereisshitilike, @patheticgay69, @chefwaitertable, @love-struck-aries 

*flashback*

~October 1st, 1990~

I carried the dirty cups and bowls from my bedroom down to the kitchen and placed them in the sink before washing my hands. I patted them dry before grabbing a bagel and tossing it in the toaster.

I exhaled deeply as I looked around my moms house, the pristine white marble counter tops reflecting the sunlight shining through the windows to make everything seem brighter. I glanced at the  pile of mail on the island as a sunflower yellow envelope caught my eye.

My eyebrows furrowed together as I stepped over and shoved the bills and fashion magazines to the side and grabbed it. My eyes widening as I saw 'N. Sixx' in the top right corner and it was addressed to me. I frowned, my stomach becoming overrun by a wave of nausea as I ran my thumb over a smudged blue ink finger print.

"Shit." I tossed it down when I smelt the bagel burning. I quickly grabbed it and winced when it burnt my fingers.

"Oh wow, you're up early sweetie." I turned around when my mom came in with a paper bag of groceries and placed her Louis Vuitton purse down on the counter.

"Early? It's two in the afternoon." I reached for the jar of peanut butter and container of cream cheese from the fridge.

"Well you've been sleeping till about four since you got here a month ago..." She spoke softly as she started taking out fresh produce and putting it in the fridge.

"I'm tired." I shrugged my shoulders and smushed together the bagel and took a bite, "Do you need help?"

My mom glanced at me, "No, it's just this." She smiles before she examined me, "When was the last time you showered? Or took your hair out of that bun?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. Can't remember." I leaned against the counter as I watched her slip on her glasses to read through the mail, tossing bills to the side as she threw away the magazines. I stared mid bite as she picked up the envelope and scoffed.

"This is trash too." She shook her head as my eyes filled with tears as she tossed it in the garbage.

"Don't!" I shouted before grabbing it and holding onto it, "It's my mail." I told her as she came over and tried taking it from me.

"Vanity, give it to me. You don't need to read whatever bull crap he sent. Give it, now." I shook my head as she held onto it and tried tugging it away, "Do you want to keep crying over him or do you want to move forward?"

"Let me have it, please!" I began sobbing as my mom sighed and let go of it before wrapping her arms around me and running her hand through my hair.

"Sh, sh. It's okay." She pressed a kiss to my forehead, "I know it hurts pumpkin. But you can't keep holding onto him, you gotta let him go honey." I couldn't control my breathing as I clutched my chest and leaned into her. Mom gently took the letter from between my fingers, "He is just trying to tell you how sorry he is. If he was sorry he wouldn't have done it in the first place Vanity. There's no reasonable excuse for cheating."

"It doesn't make sense mom. Why would he do this to me?"

*end flashback*

"For our next exercise, I want you to hold hands and look into each other's eyes."

Nikki and myself both rolled our eyes as we sat in two chairs facing each other. His hands found mine first as I sat forward just a bit more, "You're hands are cold." He observed as we waited for the next instructions.

"Cold like my heart." I quirked an eyebrow as he chuckled and gave my hands a light squeeze.

"I want you to two focus one one another. Really look at each other's features. Look into each other's eyes, Vanity what do you see?"

Is this really suppose to help us? Or is she just bullshitting at this point?

"His eyes are a bit more grey today. I think it's because his shirt is a dark blue. He hasn't shaved in a few days either so he has some stubble. His eyebrows need to be plucked-hey you're wearing rings that hurts! I was just answering the question." I winced when he squeezed my hands again and the bulky rings pinched my fingers.

"Look beyond the physical aspects, Vanity. It's not always about looks." I rolled my eyes at her words.

"I know that, can't help that he's pretty and I like to look." I wiggled my eyebrows at Nikki as he blushed a bit.

"Shut up."

I exhaled and looked into his eyes, "I see warmth and protection. I also see pain and his eyes look tired...he usually has a sparkle to them." I glanced over at Crystal as she was writing something down.

"Why do you think they aren't sparkling?" Crystal questioned as I looked back at Nikki and shrugged.

"Dunno. He probably wishes we were better and didn't have to do this. Or that I was better and would just be with him, I don't know."

Nikki remained quiet as his thumb absentmindedly went back and forth over my hand, "Yeah, it's probably that."

"Back to the exercise." I sighed and looked at him again, "Tell me one of Nikki's flaws, but address him when you say it."

I shook my head and ran my tongue over my bottom lip, "I wish you didn't expect things to be perfect all the time. Wether it be yourself, me, our our relationship or the band."

"Nikki? Any comments?" He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out, "Okay, now something good about Nikki."

"I like how passionate you are about everything you do. You always put 110% into everything. So I think that also falls into your perfectionist thing as well."

"Thanks..." He smiled a bit and brought my left hand up to his lips for a kiss.

"Very good, Nikki your turn."

I could see the wheels turning in Nikki's head as he stared at me, his eyes darting to every point on my face, "Her eyes are golden today, full of life like always. Even on her worse days they're still like that. She however, just got her eyebrows done the other day so they look good. Even and perfect and pristine, just how she likes them. She always has a look in her eye like she's up to something, uh mischievous I guess you could say. It's not a bad thing. It's just Vanity. I see that underlying anger though, it's always there. I think of it as a warning and her self defense mechanism...that enough?"

Crystal nodded, "Yes, but can you tell me about Vanity's anger a bit more?"

"It's explosive. It's not the little things that make her loose it but a build up of a lot of big stuff. Unless someone really got under her skin. She can be violent but I know how much she regrets it once she calms down. She's out of breath, exhausted. Her hands shake and her voice trembles and her words will cut you deep. I've been on both ends, receiving it and watching her dish it out to someone else. I know she's been like this since she was a kid though. She just has anger issues."

I exhaled deeply as I let go of Nikkis hands but he quickly grabbed them again, "Can you give me a flaw of hers?"

Nikki cleared his throat and looked at me, "I wish you didn't run when things get rough or hard or it doesn't go the way you want it too. I think a lot of our fights could be prevented if you just stayed and talked to me."

We looked at one another, "Yeah....I know." I breathed out when we let go of each other's hands.

"Nikki, you called and said you wanted to bring something to give to Vanity? Do you have it?"

I watched as Nikki went to the coat rack and grab a yellow envelope out of the pocket of his leather jacket. He came back and sat in front of me and handed it over to me after a few minutes.

"I didn't know we had homework." I chuckled a bit, feeling Nikkis intensity pouring out of him as he just stared at the envelope in my hand.

"Babe-" I looked at him, and he had that fucking look in his eye that I hate. The one where he's gonna deliver me bad news. That look, "You know how I told you I wrote you a letter after you left?" I nodded at his words and he glanced down at it before looking at me again.

"Oh..." I flipped it over to see my name written with my moms address and a stamp with planes in the right hand corner. The envelope was starting to fall apart as it was crumpled and ripped with water spots on it.

"Do you mind reading it out loud Vanity?" Crystal asked, giving me a reassuring smile."

"Okay." I cleared my throat, a heavy feeling in my chest as I opened it up with my nail and pulled out yellow lined paper that was folded up:

                                                                                                           9/23/90

Vanity,

      I can't even put into words how sorry I truly am. Please, you have to believe me, this was never my intention. I just don't know what happened, or how I could even let this happen. It killed me to see the look and tears on your face that day back at the house, and it ripped my fucking heart out when you took the ring off and left it on the table. I thought getting sober would make me a better person, but clearly, I was wrong.

It's 3AM and I can't sleep. I didn't think having you by my side every night would be so relaxing and calming and much fucking needed. Sometimes I'd just listen to you sleep when I woke up in the middle of the night. I'd wrap you up in my arms and pull you closer to me mainly because I was having nightmares for a while after we moved into the house together. I never told you because I didn't want to worry you when I knew you were already worried about me. But I also did it because I love how you feel and fit into my arms and the way you curl up against me. How I fucking wish you were here.

I go back to touring in a few days and I am dreading it. The guys won't even fucking look at me. And I can't stand the shitty papz right now. Are they giving you issues too?

Doll, you have to believe me, Brandi was a god damn mistake. She, in no fucking universe can compare to you. She isn't even remotely half the woman you are. You're out of this world, Van. I've never met anyone like you. And I think, truly from the bottom of my heart, you're the only chick I have ever loved. That I have ever wanted to be with, to be married too, to have children and a future with. And now that's gone and I just have to accept the cards I hand drew.

If this is the end of the line for you and I, please just do me a favor. Take care of yourself and always remember who the fuck Vanity Blackwood is and stands for. If it ain't gonna be me, I want you to find a good guy that's up to par for you. I tried being the best man I possibly could be for you, but I couldn't live up to my own expectations and I am sorry for that.

I'll cherish every moment and memory I had with you for the rest of my life, and into the next life as well. Maybe in another universe we'll meet again and I'll do things right the first time. I love you.

Forever yours,

N. Sixx

I wiped my eyes as I stared down at the journal paper, blue ink now smearing as much tears hit it. I re read it in my head, twice, three times, four times before a sob escaped my mouth and I leaned over in emotional pain, crying with my face in my knees. I felt Nikki's hand on my back as he got off the couch and crouched besides me, his knuckles rubbing up and down my spine.

"I just wanted you back Vanity." Nikki mumbled to me, "I wanted to fly to Dallas and talk to you but Mick, the wise one he is, told me that wouldn't be one of my best ideas.."

"My brother probably would've shot you." I side eyed him, a lopsided grin plastered on his lips.

"I figured as much. He kinda pinned me against the wall when they came to get your stuff."

"What do you think of the letter, Vanity?" Crystal questioned as I sat up and reached for a tissue and patted my eyes. Nikki sat in the chair across from me, keeping his hand on my knee.

"Makes my heart ache knowing he was going through the same emotions I was going through, if not worse than I was. That he already had that much guilt on his conscience only a few weeks after the fact. I could see why you fell off the wagon for a bit. You were hurting just as much."

Crystal eyed me, "Did you not think he would be? Is that why it's such a shock to you?"

I breathed out a long sigh, "I don't know. I-I just didn't think he gave a fuck anymore. He didn't care to stay loyal to me so why would he care about the outcome and how I felt?"

"Well, clearly you see that wasn't the case now was it?" Crystal smiled at me and looked at us, "Valentines day is coming up. Do you two have plans?"

"Other than getting Valentine's Day cards and heart shaped cookies for Arianna's class, no I don't." I laughed a bit and took a sip of my watered down ice coffee.

"No, guess not." Nikki breathed out as he took his hand away from me.

"Have you two considered maybe seeing other people in the mean time? To figure out if this-" she motioned to us, "Is what you really want?"

What?

I scratched the top of my head and glanced at Nikki, his jaw clenching as he glared at her, "No. We have not considered that and we aren't." He snapped at her as she smiled and nodded.

"Okay. Too bad, it might help. You know, distance making the heart grow fonder?. Anyways, I'm seeing a little progress and I like it. How did the activities go? Did you two do that?"

"We went to the beach, it was Nikki's idea and he took pictures. We also had lunch too, he packed a picnic. It was really nice, I enjoyed it a lot actually." I expressed with a smile

"And what did you plan for him?" Crystal asked as I stared and glanced at Nikki. I haven't even thought about doing anything with him.

"Uh...we've been busy with Arianna but I know Vans planning something fun for us to do. I think mini golf was one idea and going to the Griffith Observatory is another."

Dr. Peterson eyed me as I looked past her and at the abstract painting on the wall, "Very well then. I look forward to speaking with you two again soon."

I folded the letter back up and placed it in its envelope as Nikki shook her hand first, "We'll make an appointment up front." I smiled at her as she nodded.

"I want to hear about the activity you chose to do with Nikki next time, Vanity."

"Yeah, yeah." I waved her off as Nikki held the door open for me.

When we were back in the car, I buckled up and turned up the radio before backing out, "So you really don't want to do anything for Valentine's Day?" Nikki asked as he changed the station I had on and turned it to the local rock one.

"Nikki, you buy me nice things and profess your love for me all the time. We don't need to do anything for Valentine's Day, it's okay." I reassured him as I reached over the console and patted his knee.

"Is this a trick? You saying you don't want to do anything but then Valentine's Day comes around and you get mad at me because you actually wanted me to do something even if you did say no? I know how women work Van."

I laughed, "What!? No! No! Nikki, I promise you we don't have to do anything okay? we can just hang out at home or whatever. I don't care." I shrugged at him as Nikki chuckled.

"Alright, princess. Whatever you say. So uh, you wanna go out to dinner tonight with the band? And Clementine? To celebrate the album being complete?" Nikki questioned as a light gasp rolled past my lips, my eyes glancing to him as my hand smacked his chest lightly.

"No way?! You guys are done!? You haven't even brought home the tape so I can be the first listener and yeah of course I'd love to go to dinner with everyone. When is the album going to be released? I'm so proud of you guys." I smiled at Nikki, hand reaching over to touch his cheek.

"Thanks Van and next month I believe. The team is working on getting us booked with MTV and some radio stations so we can get one of the songs out before then. We're still trying to decide which one would be good. Maybe you can take a listen later tonight after dinner and help me pick?" Nikki spoke contently as I glanced at him.

"Yeah, I know you talked about that when we went to the beach. I can at least listen to a little bit, I have to be up at five for my shift at the diner so you'll also have to get Arianna to school."

"No problem." He chuckled, "It's a piece of cake to get her up. I don't know why you have such a big deal."

I scoffed at his words, "That's because you promise chocolate chip pancakes with extra syrup and no fruit for breakfast." I put the car in park as we arrived at Arianna's school, "And plus, I'm not a morning person either."

*A little while later*

I pulled up the driveway, a white Mercedes Benz convertible was parked in my spot, "Whose car is that?" I questioned Nikki as he pulled his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose and glanced.

"No idea. How'd they get in? Not everyone has the code to the gate." Nikki explained as I saw the drivers door opened and gasped.

"Mom?" I stuffed the keys into my purse as I got out of the car, "What are you doing-" I stopped talking when my brother and sister also got out of the car, "...here."

"Grandma!" Arianna ran time her as she picked her up and held her tight.

"Oh my sweet angel! I've missed you so much! I have some gifts for you." My mom devoured her cheeks with kisses as Arianna giggles.

Nikki came up to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder and turned us around to face the yard, "So, I maybe forgot to tell you they called while you were getting your nails done last week...don't yell." He gripped me tighter when I tried pulling away from him, "It just slipped my mind, I am sorry."

"Nikki are you serious? You forgot? That's like me forgetting Deanna is gonna stop by for dinner one night." I stared up at him, "And I know that's a dramatic comparison so don't look at me like that. It still would've been nice to know."

Nikki groaned, "Van, I forgot! I'm sorry."

"Yeah, yeah and it's fine. But how do you forget something like that. Didn't our therapist want us to communicate?"

We both turned around when my mom cleared her throat, "Arguing already?" She had a disapproving look on her face as she glanced at the both of us.

"No mom. Just talking about where everyone is gonna stay. One of the rooms are unfurnished now and the other is Nikkis painting studio." I spoke quickly as she eyed me.

"How was your flight?" Nikki smiled at her as she looked towards my siblings and rolled her eyes.

"Our flight was fine. We can stay at a hotel if it will be an issue for us to stay here, Nikki."

He shook his head, "No ma'am. It's not a problem. Greyson and Sage can take the couch. We just have to put sheets on the bed downstairs since Clementine moved out."

I deeply sighed and called for Arianna to come inside with me. I didn't want my family staying here even if it was just for a few days. It just gives them the ability to nit pick everything that is wrong with myself and Nikki.

"Aw, that's too bad. I know Vanity has always had a hard time keeping friends that were girls. She's always been one of the guys." Greyson butted in as Sage made a blow job motion near her mouth.

"Both of you shut it." I rolled my eyes, "She's living with Tommy and I see her a lot still. Her and Nikki just didn't get along." I glared at the both of them as they laughed and gave each other high fives.

My siblings and I are only a few years apart. Me and Greyson being only four and Sage being only six. But that didn't stop them from acting like fucking teenagers again.

Arianna came over to me with a piece of paper, "What did you make for me today baby?" I chuckled and played with her hair as I unfolded it, a wide grin playing across my lips, "Is that all of us?"

Arianna nodded, "Yes! Me, you, daddy and Anarchy! Do you like it?!"

I bent down and kissed the top of her head, "Of course I like it! Go show daddy and then put it on the fridge okay?"

"Dad!!!" Arianna went running and screaming for him.

"She's gotten so big Vanity. I think the last time I saw her she just starting to talk." Greyson expressed as he plopped down on my couch and kicked his dirty converse up on the coffee table.

"Yeah and she hasn't shut up since-"

"Talk? I haven't seen her since she was still in diapers." Sage retorted as I looked at her.

"You were in college still but you were also more than welcomed to come to New York to see me." I told her as she rolled her eyes and sat down.

"Yeah, well you coulda came home too. You always do this."

"Do what?" I questioned, looking at her confused as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"This. Always get distant from us and then we have to come see you. When was the last time you even called mom?" Sage ridiculed me as she shook her head.

"Sage, I've been busy. Arianna takes up a lot of my time and the cross country move-"

"...Wouldn't of had to move if you didn't just up and disappear from him."

I scoffed, "What is this? A come to California to make Vanity feel like shit trip?" I rolled my eyes, "You know why I left Sage and-"

"Yeah and you're right back here with him. Whose to say he won't do it again?"

"He won't."

"How do you know that?"

You know, I am trying my hardest to trust Nikki again. To be patient and let us go with the flow, but it's difficult when someone puts a sliver of doubt in my mind about him and us. I knew Nikki wouldn't, or I should say I hope he wouldn't ever do something like that again.

"I think what Sage means is that we just care about you and we don't want to see you get hurt for the umpteenth time by the hands of Nikki." Greyson spoke softly as he looked at me. He spoke like our dad did. Always level headed with a calm, almost soothing tone to his voice.

"And if he does, that's my business and nobody else's." I glanced at the both of them, "Alright? So can we drop it? He's trying and I'm trying too. And Arianna's happy and that's what matters. Okay, so can we please just...drop it."

"But are you happy?" Greyson questioned as I chuckled a bit and shook my head in disbelief. I hate when they gang up on me like this and back me into a corner. I know it’s because they care but it isn’t needed.

"So uh...I'm gonna order some Thai for dinner. I called and told Tommy who will tell the others that we can just do dinner at a later time." Nikki announced his presence as he came into the living room, "What are we talking about?" Nikki questioned as he glanced at the heated cheeks and hurt expression on my face.

I shook my head, "Nothing." I got off the couch and patted his chest, "I'm gonna help Ari with her homework before she gets to distracted by everyone being here."

*Nikki's POV*

I glanced back at Van as her hand left my chest and she walked into the dining room before calling for Arianna, "Is she okay?" I looked at Greyson and Sage as they glared at me.

Ah. I see the issue now.

"I think she's just overwhelmed we're here. I guess you didn't tell her we'd be coming." Sage spoke bitterly with a sour look etched on her face.

"Yeah uh, I've been real busy finishing up the album and it just completely slipped my mind." I smiled at her as she rolled her eyes and reached for the tv remote, completely ignoring me.

"So uh...how's school Sage? You're still in college right? Texas University right?"

Sage stared, her eyebrows becoming scrunched up, "I've been out of college for three years Nikki."

I chuckled nervously, "Right sorry...I've kinda haven't seen you since uh-"

"...Since we came and got all of Vanity's stuff after you cheated on her." Her mahogany eyes were dark as she continued to glare at me. I understand that they are also upset with me. That they just care about Van and don't want to see her get hurt. But I wouldn't do that again, I wouldn't ever think about it.

"Yeah, that was pretty nice of you." I smirked as her stoic expression softened, "What are you doing now then Sage since you aren't in college?"

Sage huffed, "I'm a veterinarian in Houston. I have my own office and on the side I perform in plays."

"Oh! If you want to become an actress, I could get you in contact with some managers or get you a break in Hollywood." I glanced at her as she chuckled.

"I don't want to be big and famous. Little shows here and there is perfect for me, but thanks."

It's funny seeing her like this, because I still remember her as the 17 year old that was up Vanity's ass when we stopped in Dallas on the last leg of the theater of pain tour. I remember her bratty attitude that she clearly never out grew, the wire framed glasses and the reddened cheeks and googly eyes she got when Vince had pretty much only said hello to her. Do kids really grow up that fast?

I glanced over at Greyson, he had a tattoo of roses and a dove on his forearm with the word 'Dad' written plus some dates underneath it. He also had a small beard and was no longer the jacked up football player. I mean, he could more than likely still rip my head off my shoulders but he'd probably get winded doing it, if you know what I mean. I saw he had a gold wedding ring on his finger, "Oh...congrats man. When did you get married?"

Greyson side eyed me, "Fall of '92. Her names Melanie." He took out his wallet and showed me a picture of a blonde, "We're expecting in a few months. It's gonna be a boy."

"Oh, wow. She's pretty. Congrats man and being a dad is really fun. Do you know what you're naming him?" I questioned as he put his wallet away.

"Liam Ryan Blackwood. Melanie's due date is around June 8th. So, we're excited. I know Ari's excited Mel told her on the phone a few months ago when Van called." Greyson chuckled, "I'm scared though. But Vanity did it by herself so I can do it too."

My expression dropped as a frown played on my lips, "I'm sure you'll do great Grey."

Greyson smiled just a bit, "Thanks Nikki. Are you and Van gonna have anymore kids? Or is Arianna it?"

I chuckled and shrugged my shoulders man, "I-I don't know, man. That's up to her really. We're just taking it one day at a time at this point with therapy and everything, I think it's helping us."

"Therapy? You two are going to therapy? Like together?" Greyson snickered as I nodded, "Wow, who woulda thought. Good for you two, though. Maybe it will work out after all."

*Vanity's POV*

"Mom, we are trying-"

"Vanity, he didn't even tell you we were coming. How can you even expect to have a relationship with him when he's hiding things from you already?" My mom berated me as I watched her chop up onions and mince garlic.

"Oh my god, mom do you hear yourself? Nikki's just been so busy with the new album and Vince leaving and finding John-"

"Well his band shouldn't take priority before his own family."

I rolled my eyes, "Mom it isn't like that at all. He just forgot. Nikki has a lot on his plate right now. I'm not mad about it and you shouldn't be either, you're here ain't you? So can you please let it go?"

My mom sighed as she dumped everything in a pot and began cooking, "I just worry about you Vanity. You never call home and it was like that in New York too even more so when Nikki's in the picture."

"I'm sorry I don't call, I'll try to call more okay? Nikki has nothing to do with me not calling. I-I just forget sometimes. I get so wrapped up in what's going on that's all." I picked at the grapes out of the fruit bowl, "Please don't look at me like that.."

"Like what? I'm not doing anything."

"That's your, 'I know what I'm talking about but since you're your own person I'm gonna let you figure it out yourself' look. You give it to all of us when we're doing something wrong."  I clarified as a small smile formed on my moms lips.

"I just worry about you Vanity, that's all. I know you're the oldest and you're more than capable of taking care of yourself. But I also know how you are in relationships, you've always dive head first without thinking. You did it with Julian, and then all the little relationships after him and then Nikki. You hardly talked to us when you first got together with him. You moved straight into this house with him without testing the waters even with the chaotic history you have with him. I know you can be very...persuaded sometimes Vanny. Can you see a future with Nikki?" Mom spoke softly as she came over to the island bar stools and sat down next to me.

"Y-yes. Yes, yeah I can." Mom raised an eyebrow, "Mom, I can see a future with Nikki."

"And what does that future look like?"

Jesus Christ. I groaned and rolled my eyes, "I don't know. Why do I have to think about the future now? Why can't I just deal with it when I get there? I know I want to be with Nikki because I can't picture myself ever being without him. You don't know how hard it was in New York without him-"

"Well no one told you to move all the way across the country, Vanity." My mom said in a matter of fact type tone as she took a sip out of her glass of wine, "But fine, I will leave it at rest if you are happy."

"I am happy mom."

*A few hours later*

"Are you sure you'll be comfortable? I know it's not the microfiber pillows you usually like.." I stood at the guest bedroom doorway and watched my mom inspect the bed.

"It could be better." My mom eyed me with a smirk on her lips, "Yes Van, it will be fine." She chuckles as she came over and gave me a hug and moved pieces of hair out of my face, "My baby.."

"Mom..." I groaned and pushed her hand away, "I have a shift at the diner tomorrow morning so I leave around five and then Arianna is up at six but Nikki will get her ready and off to school and I should be home around noon or so."

"I'll probably go out and go shopping for Arianna. Get her some cute new outfits and toys with Sage."

I chuckled, "Yeah, okay but don't let Nikki know. He's not a fan of spoiling her excessively. But goodnight mom, I'm happy you're here."

"Goodnight sweetheart."

I headed up the stairs after making sure Greyson and Sage were okay on the couches. I walked down the hall to Arianna's room seeing Nikki in her princess bed reading a story to her as she laid on his chest. I listened to him changing his voice for each character as I picked up clothes and toys from her bedroom floor. I sat on her bed after, seeing her eyes flutter as she fought hard to stay awake, "...And we can finish it tomorrow." Nikki gently pulled her away from him as he pulled the blanket over her, "Night princess." He mumbled and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"And I'll see you after school. We gotta trip to the doctors tomorrow but we'll get a happy meal after okay?" I told her as she nodded and reached up to touch my face, "Goodnight Ari." I spoke softly with a light laugh and bent down to kiss her.

"I have a photoshoot with the band around four tomorrow so I won't be able to get to her appointment and I think your mom wants to go out to dinner tomorrow night too." Nikki explained as he followed me into my bedroom. I hopped up on my bed and laid down, patting the side next to me.

He chuckled and crawled beside me and laid down on his side facing me, "What do you see our future looking like?" I questioned, throwing my thigh over his hip and scooting closer to him.

He propped himself up and stared at me, his knuckle brushing over my cheek "Well, I see us out of therapy, thriving and being happy with one another. We'll be able to have a disagreement without it turning into world war three and we'll be good for one another, for Arianna and...others.."

I chuckled and raised my eyebrows, "Others?"

"Yeah, you know...others. Like uh...kids." Nikki mumbled as he stared at me, waiting for a reaction.

"Kids?" He nodded, "That's plural."

"Well someone paid attention in English." He chuckled and lowered his head to kiss me when i shoved his chest.

I licked my lips when he pulled away from me, "You want more kids with me?"

He nodded with a tight lip smile, "One day, when we're better."