#I could personally write more about claudia yeah that is true. I was talking to someone about this about a week ago

[ladycatofwinterfell]

I know I’m making these posts for an audience of one (1) person and that person is me. But I like writing it out, it’s easier to make sense of all my thoughts and impressions that way. And it will give me something to look back on ahead of or during next season.

And so here it is. Thoughts on episode 8.

Maybe this time I’ll start with what I didn’t like and then do it more or less chronologically. Yeah, let’s do it that way.

The episode felt kinda… idk, clunky to me? It feels like maybe some things would have benefited from being a little more drawn out. And with that I’m especially thinking of the Louis/Armand divorce. After their fight in ep.5 I guess I was expecting more at the reveal that caused the end of their relationship. Something even more explosive. Or an actual confrontation. Though I guess we’ve been slowly seeing their relationship fall apart during the season and this was just the very last thing that cemented the end of it. I also would have liked more of Louis burning down the theatre. The cut between the New Orleans scene and Daniel's tv appearance was also a little abrupt for my taste.

The thing with Armand wanting Louis dead kinda annoyed me at first because it just straight up doesn’t make any sense for me. It just felt evil. It might be the bias that I went in expecting his motivation to be the same as in the books that brought this feeling out in me, but I really wanted that. He wanted Claudia dead so he could have Louis, it was never his intention for both of them to die. Though after a couple of rewatches I'm more willing to accept it. Armand seems to desire stability and reassurance and at that point in their relationship Louis could not promise him that. He refused to join the coven and was actively agitating members of it, which brought danger to Armand. He could not trust Louis to stay with him in the long run and so he chose his coven of 200 years. And when he realised it was not going according to plan he improvised in the hope of that he would land on top. And he did. And so I choose to trust them on this decision for now in the hopes of the next season giving more clarity. This season left Armand’s character in a similar place that Lestat was left in last season, the place as the villain in the story. This season gave nuance to Lestat without changing all of the bad things he did last season. And I hope the same will be true for Armand. And if it isn't I'll take the evil gremlin. I don't hate the evil gremlin. Armand <3

NOW! Good things. Because there are a lot of them. I saw that some people didn't really like this ep and while I consider it the weakest of the season it's still great. So let's talk about it.

Louis' monologue at the beginning of the episode is so good. Jacob Anderson is so good. I've fallen in love with both Louis and Jacob and it's all due to this wonderful performance. Wondering what he could have done differently to avoid ever falling for Lestat and reaching the conclusion that it was inevitable. There was no version of events where he didn't kiss Lestat on the altar (loooooove that they've leaned into the wedding implications of that in both this ep and ep 7). And so there was no version of event where all this could have been avoided, it was inevitable. He's probably right, it was inevitable, and that's part of the tragedy babey! And Claudia is dead. Claudia doesn't exist any longer. Her absence this episode is so striking. While it's all about her she's not truly there and there's a gaping hole where she was before.

His manic planning was also just beautifully acted. And it paired with Dubai scenes of Louis and Armand being like noooo Daniel you don't understand Armand was also a victim :( we prooooomise :( and Daniel just quietly waiting for when he can drop what he's discovered. Seeing Louis burn down the theatre was so satisfying. Setting fire to those who had wronged not him but Claudia and saving her things from that fire. Taking the last physical remains of her and committing murder with them in his bag <3 him knowing he can get Santiago by agitating and mocking him. and saying come to me???????? iwtv writers what the fuck were you on because I want some. All through the season I've been just a little in love with Santiago because of Ben Daniels' incredible performance and the fun pizzazz he brought to the character. With that said I was happy to watch him die after he said the most disgusting thing I have ever heard in my life about Claudia's ashes. Burn in hell bitch. All love to Ben Daniels though.

The scene with Armand afterwards? Where Armand admits to lying but not about that he played an active role in it? He knows he can't deny that he knew it would happen, but he knows he can deny it was largely due to him. Giving him a little of the truth, a bit he's carefully curated, just enough for it to be believable? Excellent.

LESTAT DE LIONCOURT!!! For now we'll just go with that I was wrong and that Lestat was chilling out in the dungeon out of his own free will (even though I still suspect we'll hear a different version later on. and if we don't and that was the truth i'm fine with it). Louis going to him with full intent of killing him that time, of burning him for what he did to Claudia. For crossing an ocean to rehearse a play that would burn his daughter alive. Big fan of them reversing to Claudia being their daughter btw. While she wanted to be their sister, while they called her their sister she never was their sister. That was their daughter. That was their little girl, as tragic as that is. Anyhow. He can't burn Lestat because Lestat has the blood of Akasha in him (Akasha mention let's fucking go). He can't kill Lestat. But he has to hurt him, he NEEDS to hurt him. And so he hurts him by being with Armand. I'm a big believer in that Louis and Armand really did love each other in the beginning and that their relationship was genuinely built on a connection. But that changes in Magnus' tower. That's when Armand becomes the rebound, that's when he becomes the companion Louis kept out of spite because he could not hurt Lestat in any other way then and there.

End of story. Armand breaths a sigh of relief, even allows himself to gloat a little. Too bad for him that Daniel is out for blood and is just itching to bring down his empire of lies. He points out flaws in Louis' story. He points out inconsistencies. And then he slams down the scrips for the trial that has Armand's notes scribbled in the margins. Because it was Armand. Armand had an active role in it. Armand wanted him and Claudia dead. Lestat saved Louis at the trial, and he didn't look very healthy in that version. He looked pale, he looked like the swaying Lestat we saw briefly just before Claudia died. Love how in the version of the trial from the previous ep Lestat wears black while Armand wears white, and when we see them rehearsing it's the other way around. Anyway I fell completely for that it was Armand that saved Louis, I believed it because that's what happened in the book, but it was a nice twist that it was Lestat. I think Sam Reid said he believes Lestat would have saved Claudia if he had had the energy for it, but he was simply not well enough to use his powers to save them both. Cool, doesn't at all make me want to die. Daniel lives for the drama, I'm here for it. His dramatic reveal was incredible. Louis snaps, as one might do when one finds out one's partner of 77 years murdered one's daughter and then fucked with one's head so one can't remember the truth of it. Him throwing Armand into the wall where the paintings were before but that they left bare because they couldn't agree on what to put up there? Fucking poetry.

Louis getting his accent back when he leaves Dubai is so beautiful. He lived in that grey and soulless apartment, spoke in a way that wasn't his own, wore only black. And now he's in New Orleans. He goes on a little tour that includes part of his own life and smiles at the incorrect things said like he's fondly reminiscing about it. And he is. He might have told a story that wasn't entirely how it actually happened in the interview, but it helped him to process some very painful things. It led him to come to terms with it in a way that he simply couldn't before. And now he's treated like a respected person, not looked down upon the way he was when he left New Orleans. And he sees a vampire catching rats, and he follows that vampire.

Okay so let’s get to the elephant in the room. The Louis/Lestat scene. Because while my first thought was Louis, girl, GET UP!! I really enjoyed the scene. Out of everything in the episode that one hit the hardest and how could it not? I’ve already come out as a loustat enjoyer, you know how it is (this show is very much not about shipping for me, but it’s also built on the relationships between all characters and loustat is simply THE relationship). He follows the young vampire and finds a Lestat that's a shadow of his former self. He returned to New Orleans because New Orleans is his home, but he hasn't been living there. He says he has, but that wasn't a life. He's been punishing himself ever since Paris, lived in atonement for what he did. He denies himself everything. Eats rats, lives in a shack, wears the robe he wore the first night he and Louis spent together, he even denies himself the joy of playing the piano. AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE SEE LESTAT!!!! this is the first time we see Lestat in the flesh and not through someone's memory of him. And he's the most pathetic wet dog of a man you've ever laid eyes on. Gone is the grandiose personality and the seductive presence. He's just so sad. And he has an ipad. Who gave this man wifi??? and taught him to use siri???? I was taken off guard by siri pause, it was very funny. And while it wasn't the same tone as the rest of the scene it worked. Shows we're in the presence, grounds the scene in, idk, realism? Like it's not a big thing, a great happening, it takes place in the real world. With that said it is a great happening and I’ll be thinking about it for the rest of my life. The way Sam and Jacob acted the entire scene is so great (as always with those two). The initial gentleness from Louis at seeing what has become of Lestat. Lestat being a very miserable and watered down version of himself but not without a lot of the same mannerisms as before (the way he moves his head when talking, his little shoulder shimmy, the way he drums his hand against his board). I like Lestat holding the board in front of him like a shield until they get to the point where Louis asked why he didn't say that he saved his life in Paris. And Lestat questioning if it was saving him. Louis thanking Lestat for the gift of time is sooooo touching. He wore vampirism like a curse, couldn't accept it, but he's come to realise that the nights he has ahead of him means something. He can use those nights to learn to live honestly. And it truly is beautiful that after having seen Louis struggle with vampirism for two seasons that he can embrace his own nature in a different way and consider it something positive that he has eternity to do right by himself and others. And Lestat, upon hearing that, asking about if he tried to end his life in 1973. If it was truly so bad he hurt himself. Which ties very well into his doubts about if he truly did save Louis in Paris. And he's clearly spent a lot of time thinking about this because he remembers the exact date and the exact time, both in New Orleans and in San Fransisco, when he heard from Armand. And that's the only time he's heard about Louis since they left Paris!! More than 70 years and all he knows of Louis is that something terrible happened to him in 1973. And when Louis says he was lost he immediately brings up Claudia, because of course it's about Claudia. He can't stop thinking about her either. And perhaps this (apart from the unbreakable vampire bond) is what will always tie Louis and Lestat together from now on. That they are the only two people in the world that understand the loss of Claudia and that knew the joy of Claudia when they lived together in New Orleans. No one else fully understands their pain. Lestat blames himself for the trial, Louis blames himself for the turning of Claudia in the first place. Both of them think themselves partly responsible for her death. And in a way they are, but they didn't mean for that to happen and it will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

New paragraph because Tumblr forbid me from having one that long. It's the first time that has ever happened to me. Cool, I love this show. Anyway Louis heard from Armand that Claudia looked to Lestat in her last moment, but now he hears it from Lestat. He hears Lestat say she looked at him like he was her father, and then try to continue by saying he never was her father but the thing is that he was!! They were always her fathers. She referred to him as her uncle until she refused to be anything but a grown sister, but he was always her father. That was their daughter. Even when things were bad, even when she resented and hated them (especially Lestat), even when she tried to kill Lestat. Claudia was their daughter. In her last moment she did look to her father. The father that didn't save her. Side note, if they do "Claudia was my dark child, my love, evil of my evil. Claudia broke my heart" next season I'll die, I think. Claudia and Lestat are so interesting, character dynamic of all time if I'm being honest. Anyway they hug and it's such a relief for both Louis and Lestat. Finally they're embracing each other, sharing some comfort about Claudia's death, which is something they've both been denied for an entire human lifetime. And there's a storm going on around them, it sounds like the house will fall apart. 1 "Another round in the stormy romance of you two" and 2 "I was just a roof shingle that flew off of your house". Nothing is about Claudia because everything is about the two of them and it's always been that way, but simultaneously everything is about Claudia. And it's so deliciously tragic that everything becomes about her only after she dies. She could not be that while she was alive, she had to die for them to realise that. Just as with Claudia and Madeleine I love that we can't hear what they're saying to each other, again that's not for us to know. It's just for the two of them. Jacob and Sam deserve to have that.

And on a completely different note VAMPIRE DANIEL!!!! I saw him wearing sunglasses indoors and was like wait a moment... and then I saw his nails and YES he's a vampire!! Sad they've already burned half of my wishlist for season 3, but I can't be too upset about it. Daniel upon becoming a vampire immediately returning to his annoying and rash and twitchy 20-year-old self is gold. Becoming dated in his leather jacket and acdc shirt the same way Lestat became in his silk cravats. He's an old man physically but a very young vampire and it shows as soon as we see him. He's cocky and seems to think himself invincible, proudly proclaiming for all that will listen that vampires exist. I saw people upset that his turning was off screen but I like it. We know what's implied, we can definitely imagine approximately what took place after Louis told Armand not to touch Daniel. DID I HEAR MAITRE ONLY WHEN IT'S HOT OR CONVENIENT??? I'm a strong believer in that we'll get devil's minion, only in a different format than the one in the books, I'm not willing to give up on it. Louis and Daniel's relationship continuing is great though, and Daniel calling Armand an asshole wasn't bad either. Daniel pushing for more books because he's high on everything and on top of life. Great idea to make an addict into a creature whose entire existence revolves around the next fix.

Louis wears patterns now! He has a yellow couch! There are flowers on a table and a colourful painting on the wall! Claudia's dress is up on the wall, as is a portrait of Paul! The magnolia tree is gone, it's simply his little garden now. The apartment is his, he himself is his own. And the other vampires want to kill him for Daniel's book, and he lets them know they're welcome to try and fuck with him. Because he owns the night. When I saw him I was at first afraid of that Lestat would also be there with him, and I'm so glad he wasn't. I'm so glad that for now Louis is on his own, learning to live with himself and be himself again. I'm so glad that it ended with the focus on only him. Jacob Anderson as Louis de Pointe du Lac, you will always be famous. Also relieved it's been at least partly confirmed that while Lestat will narrate next season Louis will not take a step back, it's still also about him. I love Louis <3

[kiatheinsomniac]

1. I LOVE your writing! You're amazing! 2. If it's not too much trouble, could I request something where Ezio's wife is feeling quite insecure because she feels like she isn't as good as some of the other women Ezio has "been" with like Caterina and Ezio is trying to assure her that she shouldn't feel like that

Of course!! Sorry that it's taken me so long to get round to this, I've hardly been active on Tumblr at all in quite a while but I miss it here :(

She glanced over to where the Contessa was being checked over by a doctor while Ezio worriedly looked over her. Deep down, she knew that he was only concerned because she was a powerful ally to the brotherhood and her arrest at the hands of the Borgia had put her contribution to that alliance in jeopardy. But she couldn't help but fear that he was worried because they had a history together.

Claudia had told (Y/n) enough of what her husband was like in his youth - romancing every attractive woman he laid eyes on. On good days, this made her feel special - she were the one he married, after all - but on worse ones, it made her worry that he felt he could do better and go back to some of these women. Ezio was a faithful man, especially when it came to family, but this didn't stop her from worrying that she may not quite reach what he's been treated to by other women in his past.

She must have been glaring a little too hard though, because soon enough, Claudia was by her side, her arms folded.

"The woman is fine, I have a meeting to attend and he’s holding it up to fuss over her.” She snapped in disdain, her voice lowered as to not carry across the stone walls of Isola Tiberina’s Assassin hideout. 

“I don’t like it.” (Y/n) confessed, her eyes shooting daggers at the Contessa of Forli. Claudia raised a brow at the acid in her tone, finding it so unlike her sister-in-law to be so bitter. Glancing over at Claudia’s expression of surprise, she stepped her way out of the conversation to go and fetch Ezio. He had duties as Mentor of the Brotherhood and she had the claws of jealousy tying knots at her like a marionette. Emotions were something personal to (Y/n) and she wouldn’t watch herself become a wreck over some half-disgraced woman who had lost hold of her city. 

She could remember Ezio telling her how impressed he was to see a woman running a city all on her lonesome once... 

She cleared her throat, dismissing the thought as she did.

“Ezio, our contacts are waiting for you.” She spoke up, her face and voice the mask of business to hide her feelings. 

“Sì, I just-” 

“Bartolomeo has barracks to attend to, Volpe has a tavern to maintain and Claudia has a brothel to run.” She cut him off, watching as he turned his head quickly to face her, his expression a lock of shock and offence, “While they wait for you, their factions wait for them. You keep our entire Brotherhood on hold in a most dire hour to fuss over the Contessa who I’m sure if capable enough of getting her own health in order with the medico.” Ezio had stood now from Caterina’s side, bewildered at his wife’s ill temper. 

“Amore-“

“You have a job to do so go do it!” She snapped, “I have recruits to attend to and correspondence to deal with.” And with that said, she stormed off to the study in order to deal with the letters sent from the Brotherhood’s contacts across Italia. 

She set the few recruits that she had gathered in Roma some training assignments and filed through all the available contracts in the Mediterranean, even going as far as to reorganise all the books of the study’s library. All of this was done to avoid going to bed, knowing that Ezio would be there and knowing that he wold ask her about her attitude from earlier. 

It was when she was obsessively trying to get the paperweights in position that the door opened. In stepped the last man that she was willing to face in that moment: her poor husband who had suffered the brunt of her lashing out in jealousy. 

“Gioia,” He began, his tone soft yet cautious, “come to bed.” 

“But I need to sort these out…”

“I’m sure that the papers won’t grow wings and start flying any time soon.” He walked behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder and inhaling deeply as he pressed his face to her neck, “Come, I want to hold you and talk.” 

“I just need...” She obsessively tried to get the weight to fit between the lines of the letter perfectly, some part of her mind telling her that everything would be alright if all these little things were exactly where they needed to be, that she wouldn’t have to talk about her feelings if she just got these other things sorted out first. 

“You need to lay down with your husband,” One of his palms splayed across her stomach, tenderly rubbing up and down as his other hand caressed her waist, “and let him hold you in his arms,” A soft kiss pressed to the nape of her neck, “and tell him all about what has you so stressed. Doesn’t that sound good?”

“Yeah, except the talking about my feelings bit.” She mumbled as the weight refused to quite fit between the lines, tears pricking her eyes, even if she tried to laugh a little. Ezio hummed knowingly. 

“Come on…”

“Ok...” She surrendered, letting him lead her upstairs with one arm around her waist while his free hand held her own, smaller, hand in his. 

He lead her up to their room where he began to strip her of her clothes that day, leaving her in a chemise. He frowned in sadness at her apathy, the way she didn’t melt into his touches as she usually would, and worry set into his veins. 

He pulled her to the bed where he lay beside her, propped up on one elbow while she laid on her back, her bottom lip trembling, eyes glassy and jaw held tight in determination to keep a cool composure. 

“What has upset you?”

“It’s stupid.” She replied simply, “I’m sorry if I’ve upset you or worried you, you don’t deserve that.” She took in a quick breath and covered her face with her hands, a small sob escaping her lips, each one that followed like a pair of scissors to his heartstrings. 

“If it’s making you feel this way, it can’t be stupid.” He rested a hand on her arm and she turned away from him, her hand gripping the case of the pillow under her head impossibly tightly. 

“It’s the Contessa.” She mumbled into the plush pillow, her cheeks already heating up in humiliation, “The way you risked your life to save her today and then you were fussing over her health and...” 

“Amore, you know that I would do all the same and more for you.” He spoke, almost in disbelief that this is what she was so upset about. There was a long silence as she wrapped her arms around her torso, hoping that somehow she could physically hold herself together with her arms. 

“Why did you marry me?” Fresh tears wet her cheeks and she muffled the sound of her crying in the sheets. He drew closer to her and held her in his arms, feeling her frame jolt with each sob. 

“Because I’m in love with you.” He replied simply, “I’m in love with the way you see the world and people, I’m in love with your passion and humour and intelligence.” He squeezed her tightly. 

“But you could have had any woman you pleased, any woman you’ve been with before. The countess of Forli: the only woman strong enough to run her own city and even fend off Borgia armies.” She hesitated but now that she had bottled up such strong emotions all day, the glass had cracked and no one could hold in its contents lest they slice their hands on the glass. “And don’t think I didn’t overhear that night back in Monteriggioni when I was still just the decipherer Leonardo had sent for the codex pages.” 

Once upon a time, this would have been a time for Ezio to be boastful, but now that he was a married man, he only felt rather embarrassed instead. Looking away for a moment, his eyes came back to land upon his wife. 

“You worry that you don’t live up to the women I’ve had before then?” He asked cautiously, knowing that this question may well only make things far worse if he were wrong. 

“She’s a fucking countess who runs her own city and has her own armies, not to mention the fact that she’s also very clearly good in bed. Who am I? The goddamn babysitter of all the recruits.” She threw her hands up in the air before rolling onto her back and turning her head to face him, at last, with teary eyes. 

“You, amore mio,” He began, reaching a hand up to cup her cheek, turning his body even more so in her direction, “are the woman who stole my heart so quickly, that I simply couldn’t wait to marry you.” It was true, they had only been seeing each other for just over 18 months when he asked her to marry him. “You’re an Assassin who is fighting for everyone in Roma and then all of Italia behind her borders.” A conviction began to grow within his voice as he took up her left hand in his, holding it up so that she could see her wedding and engagement rings. “You are the only woman in this world that I want to spend the rest of my life with.” He brought her hand up to place a kiss upon her knuckles. “I have had histories with women before, we both know this… But they are the past and you,” He leaned down to place a soft kiss upon her lips, lingering and tender, “are my future.” 

A small smile quivered upon her lips as fresh tears welled in her eyes, tears of an overwhelming sentiment of love. 

“I love you with all my heart, Ezio.”

[danger-xylophones]

Family Reunion Part 10

{masterlist}

Warnings: Have some more angst, my friends. Some character death-as in It happened in the past TPM, some description of pain/injury, a contactless duel, brief mention of suicidal thoughts. 

This got really dark towards the end, I’m sorry. 

Notes I’m so sorry this took so long, I was going through some stuff and this was a real humdinger of an installment to get hung up on. 

Ya’ll need to thank @aberionart for this even getting completed. If not for her art giving me the motivation to attack this beast of a chapter, it wouldn’t have gotten done. Thank you for helping me get out of my writing funk! I always love your art and how positive and supportive you are of everyone! 

PADAWAN WILD

Words: 6.7k

Taglist:@and-claudia // @tararuthven // @aberionart // @noiralei // @pinkiemme // @darthsmol // @zabrak-show // @obi-wan-kanbonemi // @videogamesandpoorlifechoices // @justalittlecloud

<- Previous 

………………………………………..

“Well,” a voice unlike any you’d ever heard before seared over your ears-creating a cold sense of dread that dripped down your spine like ice water. You flicked your eyes open cautiously and raised your head off of Wild’s, simultaneously pulling the young boy closer to you. “What do we have here?” It continued, echoing all around with a low, completely unnatural reverb. You couldn’t help but pick up on the way the owner of the voice pronounced the letter ‘w’-like a ‘v’ instead. It...it was similar to the way Maul used to speak after trying to teach you paecian. It was always so funny to you that speaking in his mother tongue accidentally made him develop a bit of an accent for a little while afterward. Reluctantly, you rose to your feet, keeping Wild close to your front though as your gaze trailed down the ramp to observe Savage standing next to a tall creature clad all in red. They had a high forehead and black tattoos over their face in large blocks and groups. Eventually, you locked eyes with them, e/c staring into piercing, eerie blue. “Ah, you must be padawan L/n.” 

“Mother Talzin, I presume?” You greeted cordially despite the agonizing urge to reach for your sabers and rid the galaxy of the witch. “I am...honored to finally meet you in person. But, if you please, I go by Y/n as I have forgone any affiliation with the Jedi.” 

Mother Talzin hummed, moving unnervingly slow as she bowed her head just enough to acknowledge your confession. The strange tentacle-like pieces of cloth affixed to the back of her cloak followed the movement, slithering in the non-existent wind. “Very well, Y/n.” The Nightmother scanned you in silence after her statement, most likely trying to size you up. You kept your chin raised as you turned to face her more and pushed Wild behind you. Immediately, the witch caught the movement and her eyes zeroed in on Wild. “Ah, and who might this be?” 

You swallowed and let your eyes flicker over to Savage for help but the yellow zabrak could offer none. “This is Wild.” You eventually explained. 

“Your son?” The Nightmother observed though you had the slightest inclination that, though it sounded like a question, it was a statement designed to make you uncomfortable. And it was working. You nodded briefly, tongue darting out to quickly wet your lips-you were getting nervous. Mother Talzin became quiet again, now scanning over Wild who was quietly peeking out from behind you, one hand fisted into the fabric of your tunic and the other itching for one of the sabers on your hip. Evidently, he was as uncomfortable as you were. “He is a fine specimen.” You bristled, stepping to the side to shield Wild from her gaze entirely as your hand landed on your saber. Talzin looked back up at you and spoke with a wry smile, “It is a shame he is a half-blood, he would have made an excellent nightbrother.” 

Over my dead body. You thought bitterly and fixed the witch with the most murderous stare you could muster. Talzin was unfazed by your offense and simply directed her attention to the other red zabrak in the cargo hold-Maul, who had sequestered himself behind boxes once more now much further into the hold. The guilt that followed your realization that he was hiding from you stung more than any blaster bolt would. 

You were pulled from your misery by the sound of the force swirling and converging on one spot, ominous whispers and chants following where it went as a green mist started to fill the cargo hold. Mother Talzin, still stood at the end of the ramp was swirling her hands around a steadily forming glowing green ball of her magic. “Come,” she commanded, her voice taking on a higher reverb, “Let us fix what has been broken.” She calmly released the green ball and it glided over to Maul, bathing the cargo hold in an unsettling yellowish green as it went that had Wild clinging tighter to you as he poked his head around your waist to watch. Your hand fell to his shoulder, wrapping it in a tight grip as you followed the orb with your eyes. “Come to me.” Talzin continued. “Come to me, come to me.” The orb disappeared briefly as it weaved between crates, only trackable by the ominous green glow. “Come to me, lost one, come to me. Follow us, son of Dathomir. Follow me, lost one.Come, child of Dathomir. Follow me.” Talzin urged once more, the whispering and chanting echoing ominously back, till Maul finally began to listen. Originally shying away from the magic, he now followed it-shoving boxes aside and chasing after it like a child enchanted by an odd bug that flitted through the air. 

You started to back up to give Maul more room and encouraged Wild to do the same with a hand on his shoulder. He rolled it and your hand fell away. It felt like someone had stabbed you through the chest. You froze completely, eyes glued to the half-zabrak who didn’t acknowledge you and instead kept his attention fixed on Maul as he followed Mother Talzin and Savage away. 

The hangar fell silent. Neither of you moved. 

You rolled your lips in, anxiously gnawing on them. You had to say something. “Wild…” you began in a soft voice. 

“Don’t.” The word was whispered, barely audible, but it bombarded your ears like a barrage of blaster fire. “Just...don’t.” You had never heard your son sound more defeated. 

“Alright.” You swallowed in an attempt to keep the tremble at bay. “Wild, are you okay?” 

“...Yeah.” He lied and you sucked in a breath. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Force, you’d messed up. “Okay…” you began slowly, stalling on every syllable that left you, “what do you want?”

“...” Wild shifted but continued to stare at the opposing wall. You could hear the answer he wanted to give as it floated all around you, suspended by the anxieties of the both of you. Force, you’d messed up. The truth. It mocked you. Bouncing off of the walls and around your feet-all emanating from the only other person in the room. The truth, the truth, the truth. “A duel.” 

The reply caught you off guard, Wild’s thoughts and true desires disappeared in an instant which returned the both of you to that deathly still cargo hold once more. “What?” You asked, taken aback. 

Wild finally turned to face you, his little red face set in the most serious expression he could muster. To you it was the perfect cross between Maul’s scowl and your glare and you did not like being on the receiving end of it. That look was meant for strangers that were too nosy for their own good. That look was a defence you had taught him. That look was not supposed to be used against you. “You joked about training earlier and then you asked me what I wanted. Well, I want to duel as part of my training for today.” The young boy asserted with crossed arms. 

You blinked, regarding your son uncertainly. Wild didn’t like to duel because he could never beat you and that always frustrated him and he’d get all huffy and sulk in the farthest place from you. “Alright…” you began. You continued to size Wild up. Your son had a plan and he was determined to box you in, that much you could tell, but what that plan was was unclear. The truth. That was his goal. And suddenly you knew what he was going to do. Both he and yourself knew that you were the most open about Maul when you were preoccupied. So, in theory, if Wild could distract you with a fight he could weasel more information out of you. A good plan but not one you’d go along with. “Here.” You tossed your blue lightsaber to the boy who scrambled to catch it. “Take up position.” You commanded, switching into your teaching voice-the one you had once used on younglings during your tenure as a padawan, the one Ki-Adi had used on you, the one you loathed to use on Wild. Following your own instructions, you ignited your lightsaber, green blade bathing the cargo hold in a complimenting glow, and dipped into a slight crouch. The hilt of the saber twirled elegantly in your hand-a practiced manuever Maul had helped you perfect so you could slip between forward and reverse grips with ease. Wild faltered. Evidently, he had been prepared to argue. But, your son reacted swiftly by correcting his face and mimicking your pose though he kept his saber in front of him pointing up. “I don’t need to repeat the rules-no contact, tap out when you need to, and nothing that could endanger either of our lives. It is crucial to be aware of all that is around you in a duel and a great way to practice is by following the rules laid out during training.” You quickly rambled off the same spiel you always repeated when you and Wild dueled. “If any real injuries occur, we end the duel immediately. Understood?” 

“Understood.” Wild confirmed with a firm nod. 

The game began. You kept your eyes trained on your son and remained still, your only motion the infrequent twirl of your lightsaber as you gave the boy the opportunity to make the first move. He was beginning to look more and more uncertain. Still, he took a step to the right-you took a step to the left. You took another step, he did as well and thus you both began to slowly circle each other. Wild shifted his grip, slipping into the opening stance for Form II and you mimicked him-your own legs taking on a wider stance as you brought your lightsaber slightly off to your side pointing up and held between both hands. Form IV, the form you’d adapted to survive. In your training you had always favored Form V, liking the way it offered both defense and offense, but after meeting Maul you’d started to favor IV. Wild, on the other hand, was a more defensive fighter (probably because he was younger) and he relied heavily on the basics and Form III. But he was nervous-he was vulnerable. And he wasn’t going to make the first move. Noble but potentially dangerous. You moved in. 

You darted forward, lightsaber swinging for his left leg as it was the most exposed. Wild moved quickie and swung his blade down to block it and you fell back. Your son was too careful-too afraid of fighting to chase your strike. It was something you were working on-you’d forgone teaching him IV for now and opted to begin V for him to encourage the introduction of more offensive moves. It was a slow process. 

Spotting another opening on his right, you moved in again. Wild reacted quicker this time and met the strike with enough time and force to push you back. Good. But that left him exposed to a kick to the ribs. You brought your leg up quickly and stopped just before you made contact. “Protect your vitals, Wild.” Was your simple instruction as you moved away before he could retaliate. You were moving quicker now, feinting to the right before swooping in for his left. And Wild was beginning to loosen up-reacting more sharply as he did so. But still, “Wild, loosen up. You’re far too tense for any effective combat.” You corrected with a well aimed poke with your index finger to his kidneys. It was an attack he would’ve been able to block had he spun in time. Wild whirled around to strike at you but you were too quick, already leaping over him to continue mock-striking his sides and other exposed vitals. Wild was growing frustrated. He spun on his heel faster than anything you'd seen from him this whole time and brought the blue lightsaber down. You met the strike. He moved to the right, you matched him. He moved his blade to the left, you twirled yours to meet the strike and pushed him back. A huff slipped from him as he recovered and came at you once more. You blocked it and quickly brought your leg up-attempting to “kick” him in the side again. He took one hand off of his blade to block the strike which was a critical mistake. You spun around swiftly and caught Wild’s blade once more and began to steadily force him to back up. Locked in a stalemate with you steadily placing more of your weight in the strike and Wild perpetually collapsing under it you made your next move carefully. You snapped up, removing your weight with a quick spin of your saber that had Wild’s wrist twisting back uncomfortably. He yelped and dropped the saber. You deactivated yours and stepped away while your son assessed his wrist. “Loosen your grip next time, it will help you maneuver the blade more fluidly which, in turn, will make a move like that much more difficult for your opponent to pull off.” 

Wild muttered something under his breath that you didn’t catch, eyes trained on the fallen lightsaber as if he could make it combust with his mind. “Would you like to try again?” There was no verbal response from the young boy. He, instead, bent down and scooped the weapon up again-inspecting it as though he had never seen it before. He was silent for a few more seconds. 

“When can I get my own lightsaber?” He finally asked and met your e/c eyes with his saffron ones. “Yours is too light. It feels like I’m holding nothing.” Too light. You knew Wild didn’t like using your blue saber-while it was the heavier of the two you weilded it was still built to be lightweight like your green one-though it wasn’t a complaint he voiced often. You shifted, your stoic, teaching oriented facade falling away for a moment. Wild was proving to be more and more like Maul as time progressed-he favored brute strength and speed despite being a defensive fighter. With a deep breath in you steadied yourself, mind flitting to the location of the lightsaber you had intended to give him-it would have been perfect for your son despite only being half of his father’s original weapon. You had rebalanced it (your pet project you used to lessen the ache in your chest when Maul’s “death” was a fresh wound). You made sure that the energy dispersion was adequate but the blade still deadly. You’d cleaned it and sealed the bottom up to remove the jagged edge left from when Kenobi sliced your love’s weapon. You’d restored it. But the kyber crystal was removed: taken out to avoid potential injury of you or your son should it decide to malfunction and placed in a hidden compartment in the bottom of your green saber. 

“I told you-once I finish teaching you Form V, we’ll try and sneak onto Illum or somewhere else to find you a kyber crystal.” You informed placidly, keeping your eyes on your son. You filed away the knowledge of Maul’s saber for now. Wild grumbled under his breath again and you raised an eyebrow at him. “Would you like to try again?” You asked once more. He didn’t answer verbally, merely slipped into the opening stance for V this time. With an acknowledging nod, you readied your own weapon. 

Wild struck first this time: darting forward with as much speed as he could muster. Instead of blocking it, you fell back and doubled around to strike at his back. But Wild had learned and fell forward causing you to stumble which gave him time to whirl around. He brought his saber down towards your leg but you blocked it. Instead of backing off like you thought he would, your son continued to press his weight down. “Good, Wild, good.” You commended in as warm a tone you could muster. “But watch your back leg because…” you spun out of the lock and mimicked his earlier strike though you stopped before you made contact. “If I was a real enemy, that would be the first thing to go for.” Wild didn’t acknowledge the instruction. He, instead, launched right into another volley of strikes. “Your wrist, sweetpea, use your wrist instead of your whole arm-it’s faster, more maneuverable, and it doesn’t take as much energy per strike.” You corrected again. There was a muttered complaint under his breath but he did correct his grip. You took the chance to lob your own series of strikes against your son. His blocking was a little sloppy but he had improved since the last time you sparred. 

You were getting bored though. Without warning, you raised a hand and used the force to pull your son off balance. He hit the durasteel with a loud thump, the lightsaber clattering on the floor next to him. Almost immediately, he slammed his hands down and sat up to regard you with the most scathing scowl he could. “That’s cheating!” Wild shrieked at you. 

You tilted your head and shrugged. “Your opponent will do whatever they can to gain the advantage-you must be prepared.” You explained placidly whilst inspecting the hilt of your lightsaber. “Again.” Returning your attention to the half-zabrak, you slipped into your opening stance once more. The young boy sighed exasperatedly and snatched up his fallen weapon. Your son was starting to get frustrated which told you it was almost time to take a break. “Once more and then we’ll stop.” Nothing. “Fair?” A low sigh and the igniting of the blade once more was his reply. This time, you didn’t wait for him to strike. You surged forward, aiming a strike for Wild’s neck at as slow a pace as you could manage. Wild met it and flicked you away but you were quick on the uptake and resumed. Another strike towards his leg, towards his arm, and his hip-each one deflected and reciprocated. Wild was getting better at tapping into V, relying less and less on the purely defensive tactics he always relied on. But, he was getting tired; his strikes were getting sloppy. You weren’t faring much better. A headache had formed-the two epicenters either side your skull. It was strange. There was a bizarre climbing sensation that accompanied it-like two hands clawing up either temple. You were very grateful that you decided this would be the last round as a quick nap seemed to be in order. 

Wild was still on the offensive, attacking with all the strength he had but he was slowing down quick. Again, you raised your hand and pushed him away using the force. The boy sighed low in his throat-the sound bordering on a growl. But, his attacks resumed all the same. You repeated your own actions. “Stop.” The growl was more coherent this time. You both repeated. “I said stop that!” Wild snapped again, diving forward. You furrowed your brows and fell back to avoid the strike entirely. You raised your hand once more and Wild froze mid step, held in place by an invisible grip. 

“Wild, are you alright?” You asked, teacher facade fading entirely as you sheathed your saber and took a step towards him. “We can call it quits if you’d like-!”

“Will you stop that?” Wild yelled and in his anger, he managed to escape your grip. The boy recovered quickly while you were left floundering, trying desperately to understand what was happening. But you weren’t fast enough. Wild set his face in a scowl, his eyes flickering a strange color for just a moment, and raised both of his hands and your back collided with the opposite wall. 

You didn’t know what had happened. One minute, you and Obi Wan were stuck behind ray shields, helplessly watching the ensuing fight between Master Qui-Gon and your love, your husband, Maul, and the next, you were curling over Master Qui-Gon’s body in a fruitless attempt to urge him to cling to life while Obi Wan went for Maul. You knew what Maul was. You knew what he could do. But to see him do it? 

You were trembling, eyes not straying from the two figures locked in combat. You didn’t know what you were feeling but there was a lot of it that caused an anxious swirling cyclone to manifest in the pit of your stomach. One hand curled around your barely formed bump-was that really the father of your child? The one that could kill without thought? No. You told yourself. No, that is not my Maul. That...that is Darth Maul. There was a sudden squeeze of your hand that momentarily distracted you from the fear now slowly consuming you. Qui-Gon was still fighting. 

“Master Qui-Gon!” You exclaimed quietly, returning your attention to the dying man. “Master Qui-Gon, speak to me, please.” You begged the Jedi. Almost painfully, his eyelids fluttered open. 

“O-Obi Wan? Where...where is Obi Wan?” He wheezed and looked around as best he could. 

Tears pricked your eyes as you opened your mouth to answer. “Fighting Maul, maste-” You were cut off-your body suddenly airborne. You flew away from the fallen Jedi’s side until your back collided rather harshly with a durasteel wall on the opposite side of Qui-Gon. Pain ricocheted up your spine at the sensation as your eyes immediately tried to take in your sudden shift in surroundings. Your gaze settled on Maul and Obi Wan, the former stood with his hand outstretched towards you and his lightsaber at his side. There was an unreadable expression on his face that was dominated by concern. Rightfully so, you should think, from having practically flung you across the room. Still, it was clear that he hadn’t meant to launch you into the wall-a minor comfort in contrast to the dawning understanding that you had been so foolish. You were a traitor to your people. You were in love with a Sith. 

“Mom! Mom, please! I-I-I’m sorry! I-I didn’t mean to-to throw you. I was just, just angry and I don’t know what happened. Mom?” You were brought back to reality by the frantic shaking of your shoulders, the stinging in your lower back, and the throbbing of your head. Not to mention the downright terrified tremor in Wild’s voice. Your eyes flickered open. Panicked saffron met your unfocused e/c. “Mom!” Wild exclaimed and launched forward, arms wrapping around your neck. 

“Sweetpea, what happened?” You kept your voice quiet as you returned your son’s panicked hug. It was a little awkward given your current seating against a box on the floor but you voiced no complaint. 

The boy pulled back and your heart broke at the sight of tears gathering in his eyes. “I-I don’t know! I just...I just got really mad and-and I wanted to...I don’t even know what I wanted and I just was going to push you like you’d been doing but-but...I threw you and you weren’t waking up!” Wild explained in a shaky voice that you could barely understand, chest heaving with barely restrained distress. 

Thinking quickly, you placed one hand on his shoulder and the other went to cup the side of his face. “Hey, look at me.” You commanded in a very soft voice and an imperceptible tug to focus your son on you. “I’m alright. I’m not hurt.” You continued slowly, trying to convey that you weren’t angry or even injured. Sure, your back stung from the impact and it appeared as though it had triggered an unwanted trip back to an unpleasant memory but you knew it wasn’t Wild’s fault. “You did not hurt me, Wild.” You reassured once more whilst maintaining eye contact with the young boy. He sniffled and blinked and the gathered tears finally fell. “It wasn’t your fault, sweetpea.” You continued, now carefully wiping the tears away. Wild now refused to meet your eye but you pressed on. “And I don’t blame you. Accidents happen-I can’t tell you how many times I accidentally shoved your father when we’d spar.” He looked up at that and you sent him a smile, happy to see the curious glint replacing his previous sadness. 

“Really?” He questioned in a tiny voice. You smiled a little wider-you knew you were somewhat playing into his original trap but this felt like a tidbit you could spare to tell. 

“Yeah, he was always trying to teach me how to be more aggressive-in regards to dueling, mind you-and...I may or may not have gotten carried away a few times.” A wistful look darted across your face. “If he were here, he’d be embarrassed about how many trees I launched him into.” 

“Trees?” Wild was brightening up now. 

“Oh yes, we had a special planet we’d meet on-one far out of the Jedi’s range where we could just...be us. For a little while anyways.” You sighed. Us. “It was a beautiful planet, Wild, with lush forests and countless caves filled with glittering jewels. And the most gorgeous waterfalls I’d ever seen.” You could see it now, the planet you hadn’t dared to return to. You’d gone everywhere else alone and with Wild but that damned planet. “We met in the same spot every time-in the clearing where we’d met and we’d go running off to explore...we’d find a lake to spar next to and…” a giggle escaped you at a vague memory of Maul’s first reaction to swimming, “and I’d teach him to swim sometimes too.” 

Wild laughed with you, more so out of shock that reminiscence. “He didn’t know how to swim?” 

You shook your head. “He was from here, Wild. Dathomir’s not known for its swimming holes.” You explained with a comical lift of your eyebrows at the boy. “Anyways, in exchange I guess he’d teach me how to fight like him. And that meant I had to learn how to channel my anger. That meant I accidentally threw him a couple of times. It’s something you’ll learn too and if I must, I will gladly be your test dummy.” Wild huffed a laugh through his nose and you patted his face, pleased to see him calming down. You fell quiet for a moment as you observed the little lift of Wild’s smile and the scrunch of his nose that always followed a laugh. It was your smile on Maul’s face. Wild had Maul’s eye color but your eye shape. Your nose but the slight scrunch Maul would do when he spoke or smiled. He really was the perfect combination of you both even if your attributes were subtler. Wild was determined, intelligent, and protective. He was thoughtful but action-oriented as well. Calculated but not heartless. “Force, you’re so much like him.” You finally broke, not even aware that the thought had escaped you. 

“Like who?” Wild asked with a slight tilt of his head-an action no doubt learned from you. Curiosity seemed to radiate from him but also an underlying keenness that told you he knew exactly who you were referring too. Clever-another one to add to the growing list. 

“Your father, Wild...I...I wish he’d gotten to know you.” 

“Y/n…” Maul seethed, his voice ringing in your ears though it was barely above a whisper as he stalked closer to you. His lightsaber...or rather half of his lightsaber still grasped in his hand. 

You were running towards him despite the short gap between you and crashing into his chest before you knew it. “I know, Maul, I know.” Your voice was choppy, form shaky, as you wrapped your trembling arms around his torso. His hand fell on your shoulder-not quite returning the sudden embrace but gripping hard enough to make it clear he had you. “I know I shouldn’t have come-I should’ve run away as soon as that damn door opened. I’m sorry.” The zabrak was silent as his lightsaber hummed close to your ear. You continued to press your face into his robes, not acknowledging the heat close to your head. Eventually, Maul took a deep breath and released it in a sigh as he sheathed his weapon. His arms wrapped around you-one on your waist while his other brought his hand to the back of your head. 

Maul pressed his face to your hair and you could feel his lips move as he spoke. “It’s alright, my light. I know.” The sound of him so gentle and understanding nearly brought you to your knees. This was your Maul-not whoever he was mere minutes ago as he battled your fellow padawan...Obi Wan...you didn’t dare let your mind dwell on the fate of him. 

You held each other for a moment more, the world around you slipping away, until you became overtly aware of how your stomach brushed against his. Your baby...you had to tell him now. You pulled back till you could look him in the eyes, saffron surrounded by a ring of vermillion meeting with your e/c. “Maul, I have to tell you something.” 

“He...he would’ve loved you.” You were ashamed of the way your voice broke at the admission. He would have loved Wild-that much you were certain of-if he he had gotten the chance to know him. But would either have that opportunity now? If Mother Talzin was successful in restoring Maul, would he be the same? You knew that you’d changed over the years-you’d had to for both your son’s and your own survival-but what would Maul be like? Your husband or the Sith Lord?...You supposed your distinguishing between the two the last time you’d described his father had not been unprecedented. With a deep breath in to steady yourself, you returned your attention to your son. “He would have taught you so much more. I wish you could meet him, Wild.” But...I don’t know if the Maul you meet will be the one I fell in love with. 

“Mom, you...you don’t have to talk about Dad if it’s too painful.” Wild’s barely audible voice brought your attention back to the present. 

“No....” Your voice was firmer than you’d expected it to be which took both you and your son aback. “No,” you tried again in a softer tone, “you...you deserve to know everything.” With a nervous swallow you continued. “Whatever you want to ask...I will answer.” There was no going back now. If the Maul that returned wasn’t the Maul you had known then maybe you could give Wild a chance to know his father through you. 

Wild gaped at you for a few seconds, your offer not quite computing. “...Are...you’re serious?” He asked skeptically with wide eyes. “Actually serious?” Your only reply was a nod as you let your hands fall to your sides and you shifted to sit on your knees. He was quiet for a moment longer as the gears turned in his head-most likely searching for the right first question. “Where did Dad die?” 

You swallowed again to stifle the panic. “...he...he didn’t.” Wild’s eyes widened a little further as shock overtook his face. “I...lost him on Naboo.” You scrambled to elaborate as your son fell completely silent. You weren’t even sure if he was breathing. “I thought he died but...when Savage found us...he told me that he had been sent to find him. He wanted me to help locate your father. I told him that I watched him die on Naboo.” 

“What was he doing on Naboo?” Wild finally spoke after another beat had passed. 

“He was...helping enforce the blockade.” You knew you were being vague but Wild was going to draw his own conclusions soon. 

“The blockade?” He emphasised, referring to the blockade you’d told him Darth Maul had overseen. “What...why?” 

“His master had instructed him to.” 

“His master? So...Darth...did Dad work with the Sith?”

He was getting closer, that was for sure. “...Yes.” 

“Was...was Darth Maul his master?” 

“...No.” 

“Then...I don’t know what that means.” Wild admitted, retreating inwards to mull over the newly divulged information. 

With another sigh, you closed your eyes in an internal debate of whether or not you provided him with what could possibly be the key clue your son needed. It was a short lived debate though. “Peace is a lie, there is only passion.” You began to recall the mantra Maul had often recited to you when teaching you how to channel your own anger. “Through passion, I gain strength.” Your eyes began to sting behind your eyelids as tears of your own began to form. “Through strength, I gain power.” There was a shift-not only in the cargo hold or between you and your son but it felt like a great power was being awoken all over the red bathed planet. “Through power, I gain victory.” It shifted again, growing stronger, angrier, darker. “Through victory, my chains are broken.” The chains...the chains are the easy part...it’s what goes on in here that’s hard. Those words-some of the first coherent thoughts to spill from Maul upon you and Savage finding him suddenly rang throughout your head. What went on in Maul’s head would certainly prove the most difficult part to understand, that you were certain of. It had taken you months to even get a read on his personality when you were young. It had taken months for him to accept his feelings for you and even longer for him to accept that you returned them. It had taken years for the two of you to decide that spending the rest of your lives together was the right course of action and months for the Force to grant you one physical piece of evidence to prove the validity of your relationship. The Force had given you Wild and the promise of a life with Maul...and almost all of it had been taken away in an instant. Your lives bound to the will of the Force by chains too thick to break. “The Force shall free me.” You opened your eyes and let your gaze fall on Wild. He was staring at you with a mixture of confusion and undeniable curiosity. 

“What...what was that?” He asked in a tiny voice. 

“The code of the Sith.” You answered immediately, the words falling freely from you now. 

“Why do you know that…?” 

“A Sith taught it to me.” 

“Who?” 

You blinked. He was so close to figuring it out. “I have only ever met one Sith, Wild.” 

“...” He said nothing, his gaze moving away from you to gaze out of the cargo hold at the red bathed planet. Wild’s jaw was tense, his hands anxiously clenching into fists only to unclench a moment later, and his eyes frantically darted from side to side as though watching a battle before him. “What…,” he turned to you, “was Dad’s name?” 

Finally. You closed your eyes once more to prepare yourself for whatever was about to come. You only spoke once you opened your eyes. “Mau-” A searing pain tore through your abdomen, cutting you off in an instant. Screams clawed from your throat at the sudden sensation that felt not unlike a heated knife being stuck into the flesh above your hips and around your torso. You fell to your side, hands snaking around your lower stomach. 

“What is it, Y/n?” Maul questioned, picking up on the urgent tone in your voice immediately. His hands retracted from around you to take a firm hold on your forearms. 

Unable to fight the smile that clawed itself over your face, you turned your hands over to also grasp his arms, anchoring both of you in that moment. “Maul, my love, I’m-” He stiffened, eyes locking on something above your head. With a harsh shove he sent you to the floor as his hand shot for his lightsaber. 

It happened in a blur-a flash of green, a choked breath, and the worst pain you’d ever felt tearing its way across your lower abdomen. It was the worst moment of your life-your love and your connection to him being severed in one fell swoop from Obi Wan Kenobi. You didn’t know if you screamed or cried. You didn’t know if you did anything else besides watch as Maul fell away, lost to some unimportant reactor shaft on Naboo. A death so unbefitting a man of such power it almost felt poetic. Unjustly poetic. Was this some form of punishment? You knew you grabbed his lightsaber, clinging to it as you prayed for death to take you as well. If the Force should decree for you to suffer a fate worse than death than it would lose you to it as well. 

But you were stopped. Two hands pulled you away, you were led back to the council to await a different fate unknown to you. The last touch of your love seared into your skin as was the pain of his fatal wound. 

You opened your eyes, vaguely aware of the mutterings falling from you and the cold press on your forehead. There was a firm grip on your hand and a warm weight pressed into your side. “Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall free me.” Your voice mixed with another’s graced your ears-the mantra of the Sith being repeated over and over as the pain in your abdomen began to fade till none remained. You sat up and immediately wrapped Wild in a hug. His muttering stopped to be replaced by yours. “Wild, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You kept repeating it as your son clung to you. 

“What happened?” He gasped out, grip like iron as he latched onto your arms. 

“Maul.” You brought him up to eye level. “Maul’s back.” You exclaimed, already able to feel the familiar turbulent presence of your husband. “He’s back.” You began to struggle to your feet, shaky and weak as they may be. 

“Mom, calm down-you’re injured.” Wild tried to drag you back down but you pulled your hand away from him. 

“No, I’m not. I’m fine. Wild, we need to go. Please. He’s back.” You tried, already doing your best to march out of the cargo hold.

“Mom, hold on. What are you talking about?” 

“Maul. I told you. Come on!” You were insistent, being pulled out of the ship by that commanding presence. 

“Not until you tell me what my dad’s name was!” You stopped short, realization dawning on you. 

Before anything could be said, a clinking sound echoed in from outside the ship causing you both to freeze. Wild immediately dropped into a defensive position, calling your blue lightsaber to him. You closed your eyes again, trying to sense what was going on. Maul’s presence was overwhelming-it crashed into you like a wall of water freshly freed from a dam. His signature was one so powerful and tumultuous that you had had little else to liken it to over the years. Where your connection with Wild was quieter and warm, the one to Maul was fiery and deceptively silent, threatening to burn you if you held onto it for too long. Force, you’d missed it. You stepped forward, eyes flying open as you did so and focused on your own presence-trying to amplify it for Maul. You had to know if he was the same man. The clinking stopped. His signature changed-a blinding glow forming to accompany the wrathful haze that always surrounded him. The clinking resumed, faster now as Maul grew closer to the ship. 

You broke out in a run, darting out of the ship before Wild’s startled cry could meet your ears and rounding around the wing of it. You stopped the same time the clinking did as before you stood a red zabrak, standing a little warily on his robotic legs, whose head was crowned with ivory horns and whose eyes burned with light brighter than any star. “Maul…” You breathed out. 

He straightened up, confused scowl falling away, as he spoke with a voice that rumbled like distant thunder. “My light…” 

…………………………………………………..

<- Previous | Next (coming soon)->

[theredhairedmonkey]

A few people had some feedback for my meta on Claudia here. Instead of reblogging the meta over and over again, I’d rather address the arguments raised by @silverspetz​ here and @atreefullofstars​ here.

So... neither of these posts seem all that enthusiastic with either (1) my treatment of Dark Magic nor (2) my assessment of Claudia. I’ll do my best to break down both of these arguments as well as possible.

From @silverspetz​:

I don’t really believe in the “power corrupts” thing in the first place, but even if I did it wouldn’t change the fact that primal magic users also have elevated power and the only reason you can give for why dark magic would be more tempting is because it makes things “too” easy. If you were actually honest with this argument you would be insisting that the true evil is that magic exists at all and not just that dark magic is arbitrarily “too powerful”. 

Let's break down these forms of magic. For Primal Magic, in order to take full advantage of all that it can offer you, a mage has to have an arcanum (or an uber-rare Primal Stone). An arcanum requires a deep, fundamental understanding of the Primal Source, and far more so; there’s a reason only a rare few elves even become mages, and why even sky mages can’t automatically learn to grow mage wings. There’s a lot of internal mental discipline and legwork that’s involved--the reason why Lujanne can cast spells, but Runaan and Rayla can’t. While Callum is an exception, canonically it usually takes years if not decades to master this kind of magic.

Dark Magic doesn’t require any of this. If you have the materials and the incantation words, that’s enough. No deep understanding or internal channeling of magic is required. That’s what makes it so easy. And this is canon; this is what Aaron and Justin describe as the difference between Primal and Dark Magic when it comes to ease.

But being easy does not in of itself make Dark Magic bad. It’s why it’s tempting (Callum catches on to this, even when Viren and Claudia do not). The fact that there is no limit to what you can do with Dark Magic, combined with the fact that everything you could ever need or want could just be a single spell away is what makes this dangerous. Again, unlike Primal Magic, Dark Magic is characterized as unlimited power. That’s what makes this a toxic combination.

Primal Magic simply doesn’t operate this way. It’s a naturally occuring phenomenon that can be tapped into. There are limits as to what can be done; Primal Energy needs to be nearby, and many spells, such as aspiro and mage wings, are limited by what the mage can physically exert.

The Primal Mages that we’ve seen demonstrate a separate issue with Primal Magic, but I’ll talk about that below. 

Sure, it is nice that you at least admit that Xadia probably exiled humans to preserve the status quo, but you are still insisting that dark magic is the only kind with inherently corrupting influence and acting as if being born with an inherent power isn’t already playing life at easy mode. You don’t ask the question “how long before elves decide to do the easy thing instead of the right thing” even though they have already done far worse things than any dark mage on the show. It is all so very reminicent of all the arguments you hear from the majority whenever a minority tries to assert itself. “No, you can’t fight oppression your way, that’s wrong and bad. Do it on our terms”. The show’s thesis is basically that “reverse racism” is worse than actual racism, and the fandom largely agrees. You can save your “is dark magic too powerful” concerns until humanity as a whole has been given even a modicum of the power they actually deserve.

The show definitely doesn’t pull its punches when it comes to dragons and elves. Sol Regem quite nearly wipes out a city, while the ethnic cleansing of humans had been compared to the Trail of Tears by the show’s creators. And the thing is, there are issues with the way elven mages and dragons use their magic, even though that’s beyond the scope of my meta on Claudia. But just because a group is oppressed or marginalized doesn’t mean any attempt to gain, as you say, a “modicum of the power they actually deserve” is justified. In fact, that’s all very reminiscent of real-life formerly oppressed groups who either gained that “modicum of power” through exploiting others or taking advantage of their newfound power to settle the score with their former oppressors, which just perpetuates a cycle of hatred and violence...which kinda sounds like the point the first three seasons of the show was trying to push!

To your question “how long before elves decide to do the easy thing instead of the right thing,” we already have an answer. There is an elf who isn’t bothered by questions of doing the right thing.

Who only really cares about increasing his own power in the quickest way possible, regardless of who he harms, corrupts or kills along the way.

And it’s this guy:

In spite of mastering all six Primal Sources, he still turns to Dark Magic as a means to get what he wants. Which does give us the answer to your question--when an elven doesn’t care about the right thing, merely the easy thing, they too turn to Dark Magic. That’s the corrupting influence of this branch of magic. Aaravos should have had all the power he needed, but he wanted more.

And what does he do with his power once he has it? He eclipses the Sun Nexus, creating perpetual night over Lux Auera and quite possibly wiping out the city. That should drive home what “unlimited power” means with regard to Dark Magic--you can quite possibly destroy Primal Sources at will. You can’t do that with Primal Magic.

But Primal Mages, at least who we’ve seen, don’t particularly care to bolster their own power over the lives of others because, honestly, they’re kinda indifferent to them. And that’s their flaw--not power-lust, but apathy to the plight or struggles of people.

Keep in mind, they’re not unkind or callous toward others. Lujanne, for instance, is nice and will help Team Zym...when they ask her to. It’s why she simultaneously tells the group that “dark forces are pursuing you” while still being willing to show Callum around and letting the team drag their heals. Rayla was quite indignant at that (”I thought you were on my side!”). 

Or, she helps Ez get to Xadia because Soren asks her to, then wanders off to fuck around with other humans, while a war for the future of the world is fought. 

Ibis is similar--he suggests to Callum that the group simply leaves with Zym rather than make their stand, thus giving Viren the opportunity to gain power. He helps out in finding dragons to fight alongside them, but we never see him take part in the battle itself. Just like Lujanne, he helps the group with their goals but doesn’t engage directly with any threats.

The differences between Dark and Primal Mages are similar to the Sith and the Jedi in the Prequel Trilogy. The Sith are power-hungry, perhaps beginning their fall to the Dark Side out of a goal to protect their loved ones or a similar aim before being corrupted by their desire for power and domination. The Jedi, however, are “keepers of the peace,” and will get involved when that peace is disrupted...and turn a blind eye to slavery on worlds like Tatooine. They’ll preserve the status quo, but don’t do much else, which is why the Separatist Crisis was started in the first place; countless worlds were irate that the Republic, and by extension, the Jedi Council, ignored their problems and struggles.

Primal Mages are the Jedi in this situation. From what we could ascertain, they didn’t do much of anything to help the humans before they were desperate enough to turn to Dark Magic.  The fact that a human learning an arcanum was so surprising just shows how little anyone tried to help humanity before dismissing them as a lost cause. 

This is also why Callum is such a standout example of a mage. He rejects the temptation of Dark Magic while also deciding to stay and fight to defend Zym. He’s chosen who he wants to be, and he’s not going to make the same mistakes that mages from either camp have made.

Primal Magic has its flaws, but to say that Dark Magic and Primal Magic both represent power and share the same temptations misses the larger point.

As for Claudia supposedly being “selfish”, yeah, this is where you are absolutely being dishonest to demonize Claudia. Soren was not willing to accept his condition. It was blatantly obvious that he was just having a breakdown and trying to find silver-linings whereever he could. Even his first poem was basically him lamenting his new situation. And he was very obviously happy when Claudia fixed his spine. 

You would have a point had Claudia actually obtained Soren’s consent. The fact that she didn’t even bother to ask his permission violated his agency. Even after she was done, Soren never found out what it cost for him to be healed. 

All of this is extremely problematic. It’s not a small thing that medical practitioners seek out consent from their patients, even when the treatment is painless, simple, and safe. The autonomy that people have over their own bodies is of utmost importance, something that can’t be dismissed with a simple “Oh well he was unhappy anyway, he would have said yes if I asked.”

I think that, deep down, even now, Claudia is a good person. She thinks what she’s choosing to do with her magic is ultimately the right thing. It’s just that, in her mind, other people don’t get to choose.

 So forgive me if I think that meta about primal magic you plan to write is going to be a bunch of drivel that admits elves wen’t too far in commiting genocide but ultimately doesn’t see how being born with the power to crush armies might make you at least as tempted to solve all your problems with sheer force as the ability to turn chains into snakes.

Hopefully, the little that I wrote about Primal Magic assuaged your worries somewhat. There’s a lot more to write about this form of magic, most of which can’t fit here.

And it’s not like creatures with Primal Magic never use sheer force to try and solve their problems (that’s exactly what Sol Regem attempts to do). But when you look at what you can do with Primal Magic versus what you can do with Dark Magic, the former simply doesn’t compare. This isn’t an apples to apples comparison in terms of raw power.

For @atreefullofstars​:

And miss me with “dark magic is easy and dark mages don’t sacrifice anything so everything they do is selfish.” Yeah, characters in the show–the ones who already don’t like dark magic–have said that a few times. But what’s shown on screen is dark mages collapsing, falling ill, panting, and turning corpselike and clearly unhealthy from using it, when nothing like that happens to primal mages. What is “Claudia doesn’t lose anything other than a streak of black hair” supposed to mean? She didn’t make a magical trade, her hair color for Soren’s spine; if that were the case she wouldn’t have needed the deer. She did something so difficult, that put so much physical strain on her body, that it turned some of her hair white. When that happens in real life, there are physiological consequences way beyond hair color; the hair is just a clear visual representation of how badly that strained her body.

Lets set aside whether Dark Mages never sacrifice anything for their magic (Ziard, for instance, sacrificed his life to save Elarion; Callum fell into a coma). What I’m talking about is in this particular case--Claudia momentarily collapses from using a lot of Dark Magic...then proceeds to get back up again and is none the worse for wear in the next scene. That’s all I’m trying to say. Claudia does not “sacrifice her own well-being” to save her brother when there are no long-term side effects to her other than that one streak (it’s not from the physical strain either; stress-induced grayness doesn’t just come up in one spot and it certainly doesn’t friggin turn already black hair white!).

The streak isn’t supposed to visually represent the strain on her body that was clearly temporary. It visually represents how Dark Magic is slowly starting to change Claudia. One might say it’s corrupting her.

And if that just isn’t enough, if she should have to give up more because she’s supposedly being selfish, well, it’s still more than primal mages sacrifice. What did Callum sacrifice to save Rayla? What did it cost him, what did he lose? Is it selfish that he used his magic to rescue her from falling, because he loves her and doesn’t want his life to change by losing her? What did he give up when he cast Fulminus to selfishly override Ibis’s objections to teaching him? What did it cost him to cast Aspiro and blow Zym up into the air to block out the sun, saving him and Rayla? Every primal spell in the show is “selfish” when you view it through a lens determined to show it that way, and not one of them has a cost. Every good deed anyone has EVER done could be construed as selfish because it made them feel good to do it; even if it was difficult or uncomfortable, they were obviously still satisfying some other principle they value more and getting net benefit.

I think you’re missing the point if you think that the issue with Dark Magic is that it doesn’t come with enough personal sacrifice. Me arguing that Claudia didn’t sacrifice her well-being for Soren isn’t me arguing that she should have.

But as for whether primal mages are selfish...Callum quite nearly falls to his death in a long-shot attempt to save Rayla. And keep in mind, he isn’t trying to save an idea of her, or the portrait of a perfect relationship, or something that he simply desires for himself. He’s trying to save her. And unlike with Claudia, it doesn’t come at anyone else’s expense--just, potentially, himself. 

Before that, he puts himself between Zym/Rayla and scores of enhanced soldiers. He risks his life just to protect them. Before that, he crushes a moon opal to learn the truth about Rayla’s parents, so she can feel free to make her own choice (and this was the epitome of selflessness; he didn’t attempt to convince her to leave with them. If she wanted to stay, fight and die, Callum was willing to accept that. Think about that when you say that every primal spell in the show is somehow selfish).

And before that, he uses Fulminis to get Ibis’s attention so he could learn magic...so that he could protect Zym and his friends from Viren’s army. Throughout all of Season 3, Callum does magic primarily to help others and never just for himself. It doesn’t come at the expense of anyone else’s life or anyone’s agency. That’s the difference between Callum and Claudia--to reduce all of that to just “well any choice is selfish when you think about it” is just pure nihilism.

[flowers-creativity]

Let’s Talk

Fandom: Stranger Things Characters: Dustin Henderson, Max Mayfield, Claudia Henderson (mentions of Lucas Sinclair, Mike Wheeler, Will Byers, Eleven | El | Jane Hopper) Warnings: None Summary: There was something going on with Dustin, and Max thought someone needed to talk to him. She might not be the best person for the job but Max was someone who did what needed to be done. So talk they would.

AO3 link

Dustin is someone who, as Max had learned, carried his heart on his sleeve most of the time. It is hard to miss when he is upset or angry – he isn't like Mike who gets broody or withdrawn or like Lucas who tends to explode.

So she couldn't help but notice when, a few weeks into the new school year, his behaviour changed.

He made it through the school day okay, if a bit more quiet than usual, but he kept blowing them off half the time when they wanted to hang out, and when he was with them, he was even quieter than Will or Jane, looking as if he was somewhere else with his thoughts entirely.

Max knew the others have noticed, too, has seen the boys exchange worried looks even as they pretend to be annoyed by Dustin's flakiness. But she didn't know if they intend to do something about it, and as his strange behaviour neared the one-week mark, she decided that someone needed to. So she'd go and talk to Dustin.

Logically, she knew she probably wasn't the best person for the job. Of the whole group, she had known him the shortest time, even shorter than Jane, in a sense. And she wasn't one for serious talking, too – but she was for doing what needs to be done, and she didn't believe in letting others do your work for you. So, as it was her idea, she'd be the one to go and talk to him.

***

Mrs Henderson opened the door and smiled at her. “Oh, hi Max!”

“Hi, Mrs Henderson. Is Dustin home?” She was pretty sure he was. The boys had planned to meet up – without her and Jane today – but he had blown them off again. Lucas had sounded as if he was having a hard time hanging onto his annoyance when he had told her so on the phone, and she had almost asked him to come with her. But she didn't want to crowd Dustin, thinking it was likelier he'd talk to just one of them, and the other boys wanted to meet up anyway. So here she was, without him.

“Yes, he's in his room,” Mrs Henderson said, stepping aside to let her in. “Just go on in, sweetheart.”

Max thanked her and knocked at Dustin's door just moments later, waiting until he answers: “Yeah?” Opening the door, she found him on his bed, reading a comic.

He looked up as she entered, surprised. “Hi Max!” he greeted, sitting up. “What's up?”

She walked over to his desk to plop down on his chair. “Lucas said you didn't want to meet the guys today,” she said.

Dustin's normally open face closed off, as if the shutters were coming down. “I wasn't in the mood,” he replied, his tone short.

“Yeah, well,” Max said, “you haven't been in the mood for much lately, it seems.” She crossed her arms, studying him closely.

“So what?” Dustin returned her gaze with narrowed eyes.

“So I thought it's time to talk to you and find out what's bothering you.”

Dustin's face darkened further. “I'm not in the mood for that, either.” At least he didn't deny something was bothering him – he'd have to know she'd never believe such a baldfaced lie.

Max snorted. “Maybe so. But I'm here now, so let's talk,” she told him, her tone a challenge.

Dustin set his jaw stubbornly. “And what if I don't?” he asked.

“Tough luck. I'm not gonna leave until I know what's up with you.” Max matched his stubbornness with ease but added in a more conciliatory tone, in an attempt to convince him: “C'mon, you know we've all noticed something is wrong. The guys and Jane are worried, too. Just talk to me – please?”

Dustin held her stare for another while, looking as if he was sorely tempted to call for his mom and have her thrown out. But bit by bit, the fight leeched out of his expression. And finally, he slumped against his bed's headboard and mumbled: “I got a letter from my father.”

“Oh, that's--” May almost said something stupid like “great” or “nice” but one look at Dustin's face made the words die in her throat. It was obvious that Dustin wouldn't appreciate such a remark – he didn't think it was great, and both his expression and tone said so. She quickly amended: “That's not something that happens often, I guess?”

Dustin's laugh was short and devoid of any humour. “Not often? Try never,” he said. “The last time I heard from him was before we moved here. So that's going on six years now. Not even a card for Christmas or birthdays.”

Max opened her mouth, closed it again. “Wow,” she finally said, an insufficient comment if there ever was one. She thought of her own dad who she didn't hear from nearly often enough – but then, he'd never wanted to be out of her life, that was what her mother wanted. Not to hear from him for what's almost half a life for a kid their age …

“Yeah,” Dustin said, kicking at the comics strewn over his bed. Silence settled over them again, and Max was unsure how to break it or if to break it at all. She had the feeling she didn't have to fear that Dustin wouldn't talk any more now that he'd started, so she tried to give him the time he needed.

… For a bit, but in the end, it was still her who broke the silence again. “So what did he write to you about?” she asked.

Dustin scowled down at his knees. “He told me he's got a new family,” he replied. “Like, a new wive, and she's got kids, too, and they'll have a baby soon.” He took a deep breath, and then it spilt out of him, so fast that Max had no chance to interject: “Isn't that the biggest bullshit ever? He needs to get a new family to remember that he already has a son?! He should take his new family and be happy with them, that's fine by me! Why does he need to come bother me about it? Writing shit like “I'd be a great big brother��! He doesn't even know how I am, hasn't seen me in years, so who knows what I'd be like as a big brother?! He's been so good at fucking off and leaving Mom and me alone for so long, why couldn't he keep doing that?”

He finally stopped, breathing hard, his hands clenching the bedspread. Max didn't say anything, was at a loss what to say, so all she could do was slipping off the chair and padding over to the bed, sitting down on the edge next to him. “You're right, that's really bullshit,” she said. “Parents suck sometimes. Or, well, in some cases all the time.” She bumped her shoulder against his, gently.

Dustin leaned against her shoulder a bit and nodded. “I don't get it,” he mumbled. “How can you do that, marry someone and have kids and everything, and then you end up hating each other and not caring about your kids any more? Until you remember one day, and you think you can just come back and pick them up like it's a doll you put in a corner and forgot about?”

Max sighed. “I don't know, and I kinda hope I'll never understand that.” She thought of Steve's parents who were never around (and Steve didn't seem to appreciate too much the times they were), of Will's dad, who he never talked about but she'd gathered enough from the others to know he was a dick like Neil, maybe not quite as bad but close, and her own mom who didn't seem to care or even notice how much she hated her stepdad and Billy. Parents really sucked sometimes, and she could do nothing but hope she'd never be one of those.

“True.” Dustin was quiet again, looking exhausted by his outburst. She hoped it's been a relief to let it all out.

But she was really bad at that “letting him take his own time” thing. “What does your Mom say?”

“I didn't tell her about it.” Seeing her shocked look, he raised his hands defensively. “I got the mail when that letter came, so she didn't see it. And yes, I know I need to tell her.” He raked a hand through his curls, biting his lip. “It's just … I mean, I don't remember a lot of it because Mom tried to keep me out of it as best as she could, and hey, I wasn't even eight yet, but the whole divorce business was pretty nasty, and I know she was really scared about my father taking me away from her.” His expression was helpless, lost. “I just don't wanna make her worry.”

“Well, I've got bad news for you, Henderson,” she told him bluntly. “Because I'm quite sure if the Party and I have noticed something's wrong, your Mom has, too.” There were parents who didn't suck, after all, and Mrs. Henderson was one of them, always doting on her son (and his friends and her cat and anyone she thought needed some mothering), telling him she loved him and providing endless amounts of hugs and kisses to the point of annoyance, so she was very sure she had noticed Dustin's bad mood – and it would certainly make her worry as much as it had his friends.

Dustin groaned, burying his head in his hands for a moment. “Yeah, I know.” His voice was muffled until he raised his head again and continued: “Maybe she can help me figure out what to do, at least, 'cause I've been trying to do that all week and still don't know what to write. I mean, shit, if it was only about him, I'm really tempted to not reply at all, see how he likes that. But--,” he trailed off. “But I'll have a little sibling soon.”

Max grinned. “You're such a softie.” She slung an arm around his shoulders. “Hey. Maybe your dad doesn't know you but I do. And I can tell you you'd be a pretty great big brother.”

Dustin returned the grin, putting his arm around her waist and giving it a squeeze. “And you're calling me a softie when you're going all mushy on me, Mayfield?”

***

A while later, he brought her to the door. Leaning against it while she was putting her skateboard down, he looked at her seriously. “Max,” he said, “thank you.”

She smiled, cocking her head at him. “No problem. But you should talk to the others, or else you'll have someone at your door for a repeat performance of that talk soon,” she told him. “I'd bet Lucas is next.”

Dustin laughed, and it was good to hear that it sounded more like himself than it had all week. “It's cute that you have so much faith in your boyfriend,” he shot back, “but my money would be on Wheeler.” He quickly held up his hands before she could glower at him. “I'm gonna talk to them. Promised.”

“Good.” She gave him a stern look but there was a grin hiding beneath it. “See you tomorrow, Henderson.” She waved and pushed herself off. That didn't go too badly, she thought as she skated home. Family sucked sometimes, but at least there were friends.

[thehappyspaceman]

The Dragon Prince Recap/Review (Season One)

Hey guys, Spaceman here. I know you’re probably wondering where my Favorite Christmas Songs video is by now, or where really any content whatsoever is. Well, the truth is that I spent the first part of this month and most of last month preparing for an entrance audition for a particular music college, whose name I can’t currently disclose (I want to be sure I get in before I talk about it), hence the lack of new content. But that’s all over now, so I’m prepared to get back to work on videos, art, and possibly even music! Yeah, remember when I did music? Anyway, while I’m working on that, I thought I’d write something to keep you guys interested.

Many of you may be aware of this, but from August to September of last year, I really got into Avatar: The Last Airbender. It’s my current obsession and even took the title of my favorite animated series of all time from the previous holder, Gargoyles, which was no small feat. It got to the point where after I finished watching it, I felt a bit of a hole in my life and needed to find something else to replace it. This is when I heard about Netflix’s series The Dragon Prince, which was described as being similar to Avatar, as well as being created by Avatar’s director Aaron Ehasz and featuring the involvement of some of Avatar’s cast and crew. I watched it and… thought it was okay? Just okay, but not great. This month, however, news was released that it was getting a second season, and I was interested, so I figured I might as well watch it again and type out my thoughts. How was it? Let’s take a look.

The Story

The Dragon Prince is set in a world where humans and elves are in conflict. There’s a lengthy explanation for this, which the show thankfully provides at the start of the first episode.

Don’t worry; you don’t have to watch this in every episode. Anyway, the egg of the dragon king is presumed destroyed, and is imminent war between the elves and humans. As both sides prepare for the war, the elves attempt to assassinate the human King Harrow and his heir, the young Prince Ezran; however, during the attack, fifteen-year-old elf Rayla discovers that the egg was not destroyed, but rather stolen. Rayla teams up with Ezran and his half-brother, Callum, to deliver the egg back to the dragons. Meanwhile, Harrow’s advisor, the mage Lord Viren, is intent on war, and sends his own children Claudia and Soren after our heroes.

That’s just the really condensed version of the plot. During the nine episodes in season one, there is a lot of exposition and a lot of other things happen that I haven’t even mentioned. I would do an episode-by-episode recap for this show, but honestly, they all kind of blend together. Unlike with other animated shows I’ve watched recently, there aren’t really any standalone episodes I can think of. Each one kind of just moves straight into the next, which I guess makes sense for a series on Netflix, a service notorious for encouraging binge-watching.

The very first thing I noticed about The Dragon Prince was that it doesn’t really have any true antagonist on either side (at first). Like, you can’t really say, “Oh, the elves are evil,” or “Oh, the humans are evil.” I was super skeptical when the intro described that the humans were to blame for a lot of the problems, including discovering dark magic and slaying the Dragon King, but the intro also pits the elves in the wrong, showing them banishing all the humans instead of just banishing the few who discovered dark magic.

That leads me into discussing a major theme that’s prevalent at least in season one, the theme of prejudice and tolerance. From the few things that the humans know about the elves, they are painted as horrific killers. Humans think of elves as being bloodthirsty killers—literally and figuratively—and the elves are similarly shown holding stereotypes about humans. The fact that Callum and Ezran teamed up with Rayla was only due to the circumstances; it takes several episodes before they are able to fully trust one another. This is a theme that I’ve also seen done well in another favorite fantasy show of mine, Gargoyles.

Admittedly, a few parts of this story seem rather derivative, such as the six primal sources of magic being reminiscent of the Four Elements from Avatar, which leads me to the next topic…

The World

I will admit that it’s not entirely fair to judge a TV show based on its first nine episodes. Granted, I usually hold the policy that if a show’s first five episodes don’t get you hooked, then you should not be required to keep watching (take note, Steven Universe fans). The thing is, this show did get me interested, and I want to see it continue to develop, because what we have so far isn’t much. It kind of just feels like a standard fantasy world, with elves, dragons, castles, and assorted monsters, which, okay, is a tried and true formula by Tolkien and others, but after the world of Avatar, with its focus on Asian culture, its unique animals, and its nearly steampunk technology, I can’t help but feel like this is a slight step down.

That’s not to say that it’s bad, of course. There are a few things that make it really pop out and feel real. The background art, for one, is incredible. Some of the monsters feel unique, too, like those on the Cursed Caldera—one of them even kind of looks like a graboid from Tremors. Also, I like what they did with the elves’ design here. They could have easily just made them pale humans with pointy ears, but instead they put a lot of detail into it, giving the different groups of elves different skin colors, horns, and having them have only four fingers instead of five. Those are some nice touches.

The Characters

Let’s move on to the characters, starting with Rayla, who is easily my favorite character of the group. She admittedly has a bit of a Zuko thing going on, as she was assigned to hunt down the main characters but turns against her original group to help join the main characters on her mission. Other subtle details are similar, too, like her long-lasting inner conflict with her past and her use of dual swords. That said, her journey is a little different; for one thing, Zuko took nearly the entire run of Avatar to fully go through his heel-face turn, only switching sides halfway through the show’s final season. With Rayla, she joins the heroes in the third episode, which cuts out much of the emotional journey but also lends itself to more interactions with the human characters. She’s much funnier, for another thing, giving her share of snide remarks but also scoring a bunch of laughs when she goes undercover disguised as a human in one of the episodes—can you say, “How do you do, fellow kids humans?” Paula Burrows delivers a great vocal performance, which adds to the character.

Next up is Callum, the main human lead. Now, it’s incredibly easy to draw comparisons between his character and Sokka: Both are goofy, “normal” teenage boys in a world filled with magic, not very adept with fighting but good at planning things. More importantly, of course, is the fact that Callum is literally voiced by Sokka’s voice actor, Jack DeSena. Comparisons… were gonna pop up, is what I’m saying. And I’ll admit that the first time I watched The Dragon Prince, it was super jarring to hear Sokka’s voice coming out of Callum every time he talked. But there are some differences. While in Avatar, Sokka is the most responsible member of the group and the only one with any real degree of survival training, Callum is more inexperienced and callow, not good with a sword and only starting to learn magic. He’s also noticeably more chill and less panicky than the Sokka of season one of Avatar and shows that he can actually draw much better. Though considering Sokka’s drawing ability…

…that’s not really saying much.

Now to move on to Ezran, Callum’s half-brother. I have to admit, of the main characters, he’s probably the weakest, at least to me. I don’t know, he kind of feels a bit flat as a character. All I remember about him is the fact that he can understand animals, which is unique, but he doesn’t really have much of a personality aside from just being your typical kid. I know, it’s not easy to characterize a small child whilst making them believable… though again, Avatar managed to do so well. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t keep comparing these two shows, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t super easy.

Not helping is Ezran’s pet, a glow toad named Bait. As far as animal sidekicks go, I definitely prefer Appa from Avatar; hell, even Momo managed to get a few asskicking moments. Bait kind of just lies around and eats stuff. Several times, he manages to get the main characters into trouble, which I found a little bothersome. The one good thing about him is that his glowing abilities do come in handy a few times to temporarily blind enemies, though… I’ll get back to that later.

The trio is pursued by siblings Soren and Claudia. Soren is a young knight and a bit of a dumb jock but has a heart of gold. Claudia, meanwhile, is a nerdy mage who comes off as a bit awkward. They are always fun when they are on screen and have a believable relationship. It’s also worth noting that early on, Callum is revealed to have a crush on Claudia, which… oh boy, let’s hope the shipping discourse in The Dragon Prince’s fandom doesn’t get as bad as the Avatar fandom. I can already see a potential clash between the Claudia/Callum and Rayla/Callum crowds. (Full disclosure: I’m on the Rayla/Callum side.)

The other characters were cool, too. For as little time as we got to know him, I liked King Harrow, Ezran’s father. Even for his cringey dad humor, he was an intriguing character. It’s hinted that there was a lot of stuff in his past that we don’t know about, like his involvement with dark magic. Also intriguing was Lord Viren, Soren and Claudia’s father. It’s easy to see that he was once good and still has some good in him, as shown by his friendship with Harrow, but he has been corrupted by his use of dark magic and is too far gone. Finally, Aunt Amaya, Callum and Ezran’s deaf aunt who’s a solder on the frontlines, was another character I wound up loving. It’s rare that we see people with disabilities get good representation in animated series (another thing I loved about Avatar with the blind character Toph).

But okay, if we’re going to talk about this show, then I might as well bring up the one criticism that every other critic has already made about it. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

The Animation

Yes, among all the mixed reviews of this show, one consistent criticism was the animation. It seems to be CGI, but is going for a 2D, hand-drawn look; unfortunately, the way the pull it off is not necessarily the greatest. Take a look at the trailer for an example of what I’m talking about.

No, your computer is not glitching out; that is the framerate they went with. And this choppiness is something that seems to be a trend with certain CGI shows outside of this one, with Rooster Teeth being the most notorious offender. If they really wanted to make it look 2D, they should have actually animated it hand-drawn. Doing this just pulls me out of the moment. (Oddly enough, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse does something very similar with its framerate, yet I don’t have any problem with that movie doing it.)

To be entirely fair, this is something that Aaron Ehasz has acknowledged. Apparently, season one was given a very low budget, and he has promised that season two will have a steadier framerate. Judging by the trailers I’ve seen for season two… yeah, it already looks way better. Also, with my second watch of season one, I found it much easier to look past. Maybe I was just used to it by then?

Assorted Other Stuff

Warning: This section goes into minor spoiler territory. I would highly advise not reading past this if you want to remain spoiler-free when you go into season one. Got it? Alright.

One other complaint I have had is the comedy, which is really hit-or-miss in a lot of places. As I mentioned before, the scenes where Rayla is disguised as a human are hilarious, and some of the snarky dialogue is also witty as hell, but there are other moments with awkward puns and some potty humor that just feel forced to me. There’s one scene in episode six where Callum is obviously having an erotic dream about Claudia, which seemed unfitting for this show… though to be fair, Avatar also had its share of adult humor.

See also.

Another awkward tidbit is that twice, when Ezran is about to use Bait’s ability to blind his enemies, he says the line, “Say hello to my little friend,” an obvious shout-out to the classic 1983 gangster film Scarface. My question is, why is that line thrown in there? Are most kids going to catch that reference? Call me strange, but regardless of what adult fanbase this show will capture (which, let’s be honest, it will), I highly doubt its target audience is watching Brian De Palma films.

Though maybe they should be.

Speaking of strange homages… well… take a look. 

Your eyes don’t deceive you. Rayla is doing the infamous Naruto run, where you extend your arms out behind you as you run forward. And she and the other elves do this run multiple times during the show, too. It is neither practical nor particularly cool-looking, so I don’t know why this was done in the original show, and I genuinely hope this was only meant as an homage, because… again, it’s really damn silly.

The soundtrack of this show is rather nice, I will say. It’s not as memorable as Avatar or Gargoyles’, but I did find myself humming the end credits theme song after finishing watching. Speaking of which, during the credits, we get some cute drawings of the characters, some of which connect to the episode, others are apparently meant as foreshadowing for later episodes and plot points. If you watch this show, definitely do not skip the credits.

Now, as for stuff that I hope for the new season. I would like to know more about the cube that Callum and Rayla found at the winter lodge. It seems to have some kind of connection with the Primal Sources. Also, the mysterious magical mirror, I hope we can find out something about that. It was foreshadowed pretty heavily in episode eight, so I doubt they won’t do anything with it. Speaking of magic, I’d love to see Callum do more magic in the new season. It probably won’t be more wind magic, since he destroyed the sphere to birth the dragon, but Callum clearly has potential to become a great mage. Also, I would love to find out more about King Harrow’s past, as well as more about Callum and Ezran’s deceased mother, the Queen. We see Viren and Amaya mourning her by her gravesite in one scene, and Callum drawing her in another. How did she die? What was she like? These are all worthwhile questions for season two, or for future seasons after season two depending on how long the show goes for.

Conclusion

The Dragon Prince is a worthwhile watch. It’s nowhere near as great as Avatar or Gargoyles yet, and it is still clearly paving its own identity, but I still find it enjoyable enough and feel that it has potential for greatness. My main criticisms would be to up the animation quality and to develop the characters more, though my guess is that both will already happen in season two, which will be dropping later tomorrow, February 15.

But yeah, you have my attention, show. Don’t screw it up.

~Spaceman

[bi-swan-trash]

Weight

This one is for @deadliestnightshade for femslash February!

Requests are open until the 28th. You can find what I prefer to write about here.

Leena didn’t know how it all started. On one cold Tuesday she found Claudia in her room, sitting on her bed, crying. She hadn’t meant to intrude, but Claudia had a tendency to forget to fold her laundry from the dryer so Leena decided— just this once— to do it for her and put it on her bed. She thought Claudia was out on the ping the team had been engrossed with all week.

“I’m so sorry,” Leena apologized.

Claudia wiped her face with the heels of her hands and sleeves of her shirt. “It’s fine.”

Leena had every intention of leaving Claudia to her private thoughts, but something held her back.

Claudia hadn’t had anyone to lean on since Josh disappeared. Even now, she was older and everyone assumed she could handle herself. Leena didn’t want to be another person who didn’t reach out.

“Claudia, are you okay?”

“Yeah. Like I said, I’m fine.”

Leena stood there a moment longer than Claudia anticipated and that’s when she broke.

“It’s just the anniversary of Claire and my parents’ death. It’s kinda getting to me this year,” Claudia told her.

Leena put down the laundry basket at the head of Claudia’s bed, as she sat down next to her at the foot.

“It’s okay to still grieve for them,” Leena said, gently rubbing Claudia’s back.

“It’s not just that, ya know? It’s everything after that,” Claudia admitted. “This day comes around and I think about everything that happened because they weren’t around. Because my parents weren’t around when Josh did his experiment I was put in the system and then the psych ward. Because Claire wasn’t around I had to figure out the woman-stuff on my own. There are so many family things we missed out on.”

“You keep a lot of this inside,” Leena said. “Did you ever talk to anyone about it after it happened? When Josh was still around?”

Claudia shook her head. “Josh tried to talk to me and he tried to be a good older brother and take me to see someone. But he was in school and there was only so much he could do. I was pretty stubborn as a child.”

“As a child?” Leena teased, bumping Claudia’s shoulder with her own.

“Hey, I’m strong-willed now,” Claudia shot back.

There was a comfortable silence for a moment.

“Where are the others?” Leena asked.

“Finishing up with some paperwork at the Warehouse. I uh… I kinda just ducked out and said I’d do it later,” Claudia admitted sheepishly.

Leena shrugged. “If Artie tries to scold you, I’ll handle it.”

Claudia smiled. “Thanks.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Leena told her. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Claudia cleared her throat awkwardly. “Uh… I mean… no. No, that’s okay.”

“Claudia,” Leena raised an eyebrow at her.

“It’s weird. I don’t wanna ask,” Claudia said, running a hand through her hair.

“If it’ll help, I want you to ask,” Leena insisted. “If I’m not comfortable with it, I’ll say so. Deal?”

Claudia nodded. “I just… something that always helped me was weight. I’d, uh, I’d find something to put on top of me. To ground me, ya know? And…”

“Do you want me to stay here and lay on the bed with you?” Leena asked. “I’m not adverse to cuddling, you know. Physical touch from friends is actually very important for our health.”

“Would you?” Claudia asked hesitantly.

Leena nodded.

The two got settled, Leena’s arm protectively over Claudia’s middle and Claudia’s head resting against Leena’s shoulder.

“Thanks,” Claudia said quietly after a few minutes of silence.

“Anytime.”

***

This rare occurrence turned into something the two of them just… did. Claudia would be laying on the couch, reading a book— or at least trying to, since Myka had suggested it. It was good, Claudia was just constantly on the go— and Leena would pass by. Almost automatically, Claudia would move her arms out of the way of her lap and Leena would sit in it. Maybe inquire about the book she was reading, or maybe just sit there quietly and read along silently with her.

By that Christmas it was such a common thing that Leena bought Claudia a weighted blanket.

“Oh,” was all Claudia had to say when she unwrapped it. It definitely wasn’t the reaction Leena had been hoping for. She could tell something was off, but it wasn’t about the gift itself.

Claudia tried to hide her initial reaction and thank Leena, but it did not go unnoticed by the rest of the group.

After dinner, Claudia claimed that she was all festive-d out and needed to go to bed.

Myka threw Leena a worried glance as everyone watched Claudia go.

“Is she okay?” Pete asked. “I was for sure that’d be a hit when you told me about it.”

“It’s about something else, isn’t it?” Myka asked.

Leena looked over at Myka who was staring right at her. The woman was very perceptive at times.

“I’ll go talk to her,” Leena said, getting up from her spot on the couch.

When she initially knocked on the door there was no answer, but when Claudia realized Leena wasn’t going to go away she allowed the other woman inside of her room.

“Didn’t mean to ditch you, we’ve just had a long week,” Claudia lied. Not about the long week, of course— Leena knew that was true— but something else was bothering the young agent.

“Claudia, what’s wrong?” Leena asked bluntly. “Is there something wrong with the gift?”

Claudia’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head. “No! What? No! I love it! It’s… it’s very thoughtful.”

She sat down on her bed and Leena followed suit.

“Something’s bothering you,” Leena said quietly.

Claudia picked up her new blanket and fiddled with it, keeping her hands occupied while she thought.

“What does this blanket mean?” Claudia asked.

“What?”

“Are you giving me this blanket to…”

It was at that moment that Leena understood. She put a hand over Claudia’s, stilling them.

“Claudia, I’m not trying to replace me with a blanket. I like being there for you. It’s nice to have someone I’m close to. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Leena told her.

Claudia let out a sigh of relief. “Sorry to, uh, freak out on you like that.”

“It’s okay. I should’ve been more clear. With everything that’s happened in your life I understand why your mind went to the worst scenario.”

“I just don’t wanna lose you,” Claudia told her.

Leena knit her eyebrows in with worry. “Hey, you won’t.”

As if instinct took over, Leena reached out and tucked Claudia’s hair behind her left ear.

Claudia’s breath caught in her throat.

Leena pulled her hand away quickly. “Sorry. I don’t know why I did that.”

Claudia took a deep breath before looking right at Leena. “I have something to say and I’m just going to say it.”

“Go ahead,” Leena said.

“I want to kiss you.”

Leena was a bit shocked at how straightforward Claudia said it, but she knew that’s exactly what she wanted to happen.

“So what are you waiting for, then?” Leena asked.

Claudia grinned before leaning in to kiss her softly.

“My new blanket can’t do that,” Claudia remarked.

Leena laughed before pulling Claudia in for another kiss.

[hopewritcs]

dancing in the kitchen. five.

pairing: romantic steve x reader, familial dustin x reader

word count: 2.5k

summary: without giving too much away: the reader is Y/N Henderson, Dustin’s older cousin who’s staying in town, due to some family issues. takes place soon after s2.

note: lol so while i was writing this i realized that i set this just before christmas because that was prob about the time i originally started writing so i know it’s like feb now but it’s december for them. 

also i apologize for not having something sooner. as you can see i’ve gone on semi-hiatus. life has kept me busy lately as i’m student teaching and attempting to keep up with making lesson plans and grading papers, but i wouldn’t want to stop altogether. so chapters and things will still be coming, but it’ll be a while between them. hopefully not super long anymore and i can get more on a schedule, but it won’t be a regular schedule until the summer! again, i apologize.

enjoy the update !!! :) -- the reader’s backstory is finally revealed in this chapter! 

other chapters: masterlist

tag list: @stevieboyharrington, @lola-winston-harrington, @fuckthatfeeling​,@thekidsofneibolt, @labgeek, @tyedyedstars, @samisimportant, @madhatterweasley, @pity-mee, @l4life, @veryweirdintrovert, @restlessmelodrama, @darkuserboxes, @princessnancy (if you wanna be added to the tag list, let me know!!)

The first day of school wasn’t as hard as Y/N thought it would be. Most of her classes she had with Nancy or Jonathan, even some with Steve. Always being with a familiar face helped her find a place to be in each classroom. Someone she could sit next to, who could help her figure out what was going on if she got lost in the lesson. 

She even had them all to sit with at lunch, which she silently thanked whoever had made her schedule. 

She wound up sitting next to Steve at lunch, across from Nancy as they all talked about plans. Y/N had to catch up on some assignments, making sure she knew what was going on in all her classes. When she mentioned that, they all agreed to help her study and make sure she knew what she had been missing. 

Which is how the four teens formed a study group. Sort of. Mostly it was them making sure Y/N knew what she had missed in class, and joking around with each other. They would spend the days after school often at the Henderson house, going over notes and everything that had happened in classes for the day. 

She surprisingly liked school a lot more in Hawkins than anywhere else.  It felt more like home, a place to actually be. At old schools Y/N had always felt like she was being forced to learn...stuck in the same place. In Hawkins, it felt laid back. She felt relaxed. She didn’t have to worry about private school uniforms or advanced Latin exams.  Or some stupid gossip going around. 

And, best of all, Y/N didn’t have to worry about her parents. 

For the first time since Y/N was a pre-teen, she felt normal. Not rushed. She didn’t feel like anything was expected of her, or like she was under pressure. She was able to laugh and run around and do what she wanted. 

Today, Y/N was cleaning up her notebooks in the living room as her Aunt set the table for dinner. It was a Friday night, and Y/N had made it through her first week of school in Hawkins. 

“Can you believe you just started here and now it’s already Christmas break?” her Aunt called from her spot in front of the stove. 

Y/N nodded, standing up as she put her books back in her backpack. Brushing her hair out of her face, she smiled, “Yeah, it’s weird how fast time’s gone by. Still feels like I just got here, though.” 

“Well, you did just get here. I’m sorry I didn’t know you would be here so soon, Y/N. I didn’t get you any presents for Christmas. I’ll have to go shopping soon. Maybe you and I can go to the mall this week? You can point out a few things you might like. Heck, we can even drag Dustin along with us. Make it a family day trip.” Claudia spoke with such a smile on her face. Y/N smiled too, at the caring nature of her aunt. And how she seemed so excited to have Y/N here. 

“Aunt Claudia, you don’t have to get me anything.” she stood up from the living room floor and walked into the kitchen to give her aunt a hand, pouring glasses of water for everyone. “Seriously, it’s already more than enough that you’re letting me stay here. I don’t need any presents.” 

“Nonsense, dear. You’re family. You should get presents on Christmas.” Claudia spoke, wrapping an arm around her niece in a tight hug. 

Y/N hugged her back, “Thanks for everything.” she spoke softly. 

“Family should always be there for family.” Claudia explained, smoothing Y/N’s hair out of her face with a soft motherly smile before turning back to the stove. 

Y/N felt her chest swell with emotion at her aunts words. She had to blink her eyes and turn away before her aunt might catch her crying. She hadn’t felt this much like a family in so long. It had been many years since the last family Christmas. She could barely remember what her last family meal had looked like, let alone a family outing. Everything in her home felt so stuffy. 

Y/N hadn’t bothered to say goodbye to her parents before she left. If that was any indication of how close she had been to them. 

Then again, they hadn’t exactly called since she’d gotten here, had she?  

No, Y/N and her parents were, at best, acquaintances.  Maybe even awkward family friends. It had happened to be like that for a while, even before Y/N got into all that trouble with school. Trouble which she was grateful her aunt and cousin hadn’t asked about or even told any of their friends about. Y/N still wasn’t ready to go into that detail with everyone else. 

At her last school, Y/N had gotten caught in a group of bad people. They were the tough guys, stealing tests and causing problems. When she and the group of friends had butted heads, things went south fast. Suddenly Y/N was out of the group and the rumours she’d once helped create were coming back to bite her in the ass. Suddenly she was being called names and being framed for things she didn’t do. 

The last straw had been when Y/N had been accused of sleeping with the headmaster of the school. While it wasn’t true, no one believed her after everything else had been said. Not even her own parents had believed her. Which is why she had wound up here, in Hawkins, while her parents struggled somewhere in Europe to fix their marriage. 

Y/N was taken from her thoughts when her aunt called for Dustin to come down the stairs. She caught her aunt giving her a raised eyebrow look, but Claudia didn’t say anything. Instead she just patted Y/N’s shoulder as she passed by to grab Tews food from the kitchen cabinet. 

Y/N sighed heavily to herself, brushing a hand through her curls as she took a seat in her chair at the table. She toyed with the napkin under her silverware as she listened to the sounds in the kitchen. Her aunt was humming and cooing softly at the kitten by her feet, while Dustin was clamoring down the stairs, racing to sit at the table. 

His had fell off his head as he bounced into his seat beside Y/N. “Shit.” Dustin exclaimed, reaching to the floor to grab his hat. 

“Language, Dustin.” Claudia reprimanded as she took her eyes off the kitten who was finally eating. She brushed her hands off on her pants before turning to wash them in the kitchen sink. As she did, she turned her gaze back to Dustin, “Hats off at the table.” 

“Yes mom.” Dustin groaned in reply, slowly taking his hat off and placing it on the back of his chair. 

Y/N giggled. “If you’d left it on the floor, she wouldn’t have told you that.” 

Dustin rolled his eyes, turning to his cousin. “And let Tews step all over it? No thanks, he already got my last hat.” Dustin began gathering food from the table and putting helpings onto his plates. “Mom, you remember that we’re having everyone over tomorrow night for a sleepover. It’s my turn to host DnD night, and everyone likes playing with Tews too.” 

Dustin’s mother had just sat at the table and her eyes widened at his words. 

Dustin exclaimed, in her silence, “You forgot?!” He grabbed his curls in his hands, sighing. “Mom, what am I supposed to do?” 

“Sorry, sweetheart. I have to work late. I’ll leave Y/N instructions for food and she can watch you until I get home. But everyone sleeps down in the living room. No funny business.” Claudia explained, pointing a finger at her son. 

“Funny business? Ew. Gross. No. We’re just playing a game.” Dustin shook his head, shuddering at the thought as he stuffed his face with mashed potatoes. 

Y/N giggled, biting her lip as she shook her head at her cousin. 

“You can watch them, right Y/N?” Claudia turned to look at Y/N with a small smile, practically pleading with her niece. 

Y/N waved her hand and shrugged. “No worries, Aunt C. I got ‘em under control. The munchkins love me.”

“Munchkins?” Dustin asked, offended. 

“You’re younger than me, aren’t you, munchkin?” Y/N pointed out with a chuckle. 

“Yeah, sure, but munchkin?” 

“Deal with it, munchkin.” Y/N ruffled his hair and then turned back to her own dinner. She could sense Dustin rolling his eyes, but her younger cousin didn’t bother making another comment. 

Y/N was getting ready for everyone to come over the next day. Aunt Claudia had left strict instructions that Y/N was supposed to make everyone dinner, not order pizza. “Those boys eat too much pizza. Make them something nice. Cook books are in the kitchen.” she’d said when she was leaving for work that morning. 

Which is why Y/N had borrowed Dustin’s bike to go to the grocery store and pick up a few things. She was going to make a pasta and some honey roasted carrots for dinner. It was one of her personal favorites one of the maid’s she’d had growing up had made often. 

Dustin had been running around getting set up for the night. He grabbed the extra pillows and blankets and placed them on the floor by the couch, and then he was working on finding some videos to put on as well. He had a whole pile of them placed by the television and then he went back up to his room, telling Y/N that he was going to be calling his friends on the walkie to see if there was anything they needed for the night. 

“Make sure to tell them I’m cooking for them, so their asses better be hungry!” Y/N called after him. 

“Yeah, I’ll tell them to bring their own food in case you burn this.” 

“Hey!” Y/N called after him. “I’ll never make you pancakes again with that attitude.” 

Footsteps were racing and then Y/N saw Dustin halfway down the stairs. “No, c’mon Y/N. Yours are the best!” 

“You have such little faith in my dinner cooking abilities.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Maybe I’ll just let you starve.” 

“What about everyone else?”

“I didn’t say I’d let everyone starve. Just you, munchkin.” 

“What? That’s so not fair Y/N!” 

“Life isn’t fair, munchkin.” 

“But, but, but Y/N” Dustin’s voice was getting higher as he whined. 

“I’ll tell you what, you do cleanup duty and you can eat some food. And I’ll even make everyone pancakes tomorrow morning.” 

“Deal! I swear, I’m sorry.” Dustin exclaimed, bouncing down to the kitchen to give Y/N a hug. 

“Aw, cool beans, Dusty. I was gonna give you food anyway, but now that you’ll clean you can get an extra helping.” Y/N laughed, musing his hair as she spoke and hugged him back. 

“Wait what?” Dustin pulled back from her grasp and looked at her confused. “Are you serious?” 

“Yup. Super serious.” Y/N smirked and then turned back to the stove. 

Dustin muttered something that Y/N didn’t hear as he bounded back up the stairs. Y/N only laughed to herself as she continued to move around the kitchen and get food ready. She also put a couple of snacks in different bowls, putting them in the living room for when everyone else showed up. 

It was only an hour later when Chief Hopper showed up with Jane and Maxine. He came in the house after Y/N opened the door. She offered him something to drink, but he said he had to go back to work. Then he ruffled Jane’s brown hair and waved goodbye as he left the house. 

“Can you guys help me set the dining room table?” Y/N asked. 

Jane nodded her head and she went into the kitchen with Max following along. Jane turned to look at Y/N and paused. 

“Plates are in that cabinet above the blender. Silverware in the drawer below, and then cups are in the cabinet to the left of the stove.” Y/N explained, pointing out where everything was as she went back to putting the vegetables in the oven. 

Sooner than she expected, the door opened and Lucas walked in with Mike behind him. They were followed closely by Will, Jonathan, and Nancy. 

“Dustin, everyone’s here.” Y/N called, turning the stovetop off and straining the water from the pasta over the sink. 

“No, Steve’s not here yet.” Nancy commented, munching on a pretzel from one of the bowls Y/N had put out earlier. 

“Steve’s coming?” Y/N asked, hoping her voice didn’t sound overly excited, or even nervous about the prospect of seeing Steve. They were becoming friends, actual friends, but it didn’t help the butterflies in Y/N’s stomach when she thought of him. 

“Yeah, he called this morning. Good thing too, cause he totally thought it was still at Nancy’s. He had no idea that the Wheeler parents have an annual date night with the Sinclair’s.” Jonathan spoke up with a shrug. 

“Ew, don’t remind me. Why do you think we left home so early?” Nancy giggled, nudging Jonathan’s shoulder. 

“Come on, that sounds fun. A double date night with friends.” Y/N replied, putting the pasta into a big bowl. 

“Maybe you and Steve should go out with Jonathan and Nancy sometime, then.” Max said from the dining room where all the kids were currently sitting, except Dustin who was still upstairs. 

“Steve and who should what?” 

Y/N turned around at his voice. She hadn’t expected him to just come right in, even though she figured this was like a second home to him as well. But even if he had just welcomed himself into the Henderson home, Y/N hadn’t expected him to walk in right then and there.

“Max just said that you and Y/N should double with Nance and Jonathan.” Will explained, never looking up from the cards in his hand. 

Y/N felt the blush on her face, her cheeks heating up to what she could only assume was a deep deep shade of red. 

Dustin finally made his appearance, jumping from the bottom step with a smile on his face, oblivious to what everyone else was feeling in the moment as he spoke up, “Y/N, this smells so good. I’m starved. When did everyone get here? Shit, I must have fallen asleep. Why is everyone staring at Y/N and Steve? What did I miss?” Dustin finally caught on and looked around, noticing everyones eyes were either trained on Y/N’s bright red face, or Steve’s confused looking face. 

“Y/N and Steve are dating.” Jane answered, speaking for what almost felt like the first time since Y/N had known her. “Can we eat now? Dustin’s right, the food smells good.” 

[beatricethecat2]

if/then (2.0) - 15 v.2

PSA time: Criticism can be a positive force, especially when it’s constructive, and even more so when it’s given by someone you trust and respect. (Don't be afraid of it!) “But it’s just fan fiction,” the mantra goes, meaning fics don't warrant scrutiny, like "real" writing does. But “It’s just fan fiction,” to me, means I have the ability to go back and reassess, to learn from my mistakes, especially when given sound advice to guide me. I’m writing to learn, as I’m not a writer by trade, so there is no shame in tearing something apart and starting over again. Chapter 15 warranted a serious makeover, so I dove in...the gist is the same but the information imparted differently. I’d forgotten the cardinal rule of "show not tell,” so I’ve gone back and applied that liberally. And here we are, back at Chapter 15, with a (hopefully) more satisfying result. Plus, in the meantime, I’ve plotted out a much better ending (for the story), so it's a win/win situation all around. Edited 6/5.

Previously: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 14

////////////////////

Myka checks her phone and looks toward the door again; no new news, but Helena really should be here by now. The VIP preview started at five, and her public opening at six, but now it's near seven, and Helena’s still missing in action. A mix up with her ticket left her stranded until late afternoon, but after some strong words with the manager, she transferred to another airline. She texted over an hour ago that she'd "be there soon," but Myka's beginning to worry she's run into further trouble.

It's almost laughable, her fretting over Helena’s absence, as she was adamant for weeks Helena not join her. But at the last minute, she changed her mind, unnerved about stepping into uncharted territory alone. Helena convinced her she needed a buffer and that she was the best candidate for the job.

After their initial conversation, Helena called like clockwork every day, but at first, Myka didn't pick up. Ignoring Helena entirely seemed the only way to focus, but her heartfelt messages kept creeping into her head. If she was ever going to move past this, they needed to talk, and sooner rather than later was better than waiting.

Their first few conversations were bitter affairs, little more than Helena listening while Myka listed her “wrongs.” Myka vented a laundry list of frustrations, beginning with Germany and tumbling back through their relationship. But over time, her hostility weakened, allowing Helena to steer their focus towards Myka’s show.

“What do you want,” Myka grumbled, tapping "accept" after three full rings.

“To ask how you're faring today,” Helena replied.

“Stressed out. Super busy. Same as yesterday, and the day before.”

“You have been rather agitated lately.”

“Who’s fault is that?” Myka snapped. It had become a habit to push Helena’s buttons whenever possible, but this schtick was getting old, her heart wasn’t in it as it was a few days ago.

“Were you able to ask for more time off work?”

“Yeah,” Myka answered, a little disappointed Helena didn’t offer her usual apologies. "Leena’s sending stuff I can work on at home, so I only have to go in once or twice a week.”

“Excellent. That relieves much of your burden.”

“True, but there’s still so much to do.”

“Talk me through it. Perhaps I can assist.”

Myka looked across her room at the collection of objects on her desk, the ones she and Abigail rescued from Helena’s apartment. She hadn't told Helena what had happened there yet as she wanted to process her experiences there before inserting Helena's influence. But considering the subject matter, that was kind of counterproductive as she wouldn't be able to keep it from her for long.

“Why didn’t you tell me they were gutting your building?” she asked.

“Are they? I wasn't aware.”

“I think you knew.”

“I’d only heard rumblings. Nothing substantial. Certainly, nothing this soon."

Myka grunted in disapproval. "You couldn't have mentioned it was a possibility?"

"Discussing such destruction seemed cruel after all you’d been through. And I didn't want to alarm Christina.”

When Helena got kicked out, Myka was still a mess, so she could see where Helena was going with that. But Christina was going to find out eventually, whether while walking to the park or from a friend at school. Though she didn't mention it either the last time she saw Christina, probably for the same reasons Helena had kept it from her.

Standing from her stool, she walked across the room towards the group of objects littering the table. She fingered the frayed edge of a worn LP sleeve she dug out from the dumpster, one that once lived on a bottom shelf in Helena's living room with many others. They were visible from the couch while she was lying down, and she'd often wished they had a turntable to play them on. That couch provided so much comfort in those trying times, especially when Dewy would knead in circles and then curl up at her feet.

“I loved that apartment.”

“As did I.”

“Well, it’s gone. Ripped apart. The whole damn thing.”

“How do you—“

“Your couch was in a dumpster. We went inside. Took everything left of you we could carry.”

“We?”

“Me and Abigail."

“Oh. You and Abigail.”

The line quieted.

“Sorry, that was...” Harsh, Myka thought. But no harsher than finding her with Bonnie at the sale.

“A-And what treasures did you gather?” Helena asked, in soft, defeated tones.

“A, um...pen,” Myka said, describing the nearest thing to her. “From that Mexican place on Houston. The one with the soup Christina likes when she’s sick.”

“Pozole.”

“Yeah, that’s it."

“Then it's truly a souvenir worth saving,” Helena replied. Her words were polite but distant as if she was thinking about Christina being sick and her inability to comfort her. Myka wanted her to feel guilt, but over her, not her child. She looked around her collection for something less fraught.

“There’s that pom-pom Christina made at Brownies.” Dust fell to the table as Myka lifted an orange poof of yarn.

“The singular time we attended before she began kempo. It wasn’t for us.”

Myka drops the pom-pom and hones in on another item. “Shells from the beach you said were from Santa Cruz?”

“From our excursion after Claudia’s job interview at Apple. That was…an enlightening day.”

“Tell me more.”

“I shall, one day,” Helena answered. “But it wasn't terribly pleasant.”

“Oh, sorry." Myka searches her collection for something with a cheerier backstory.

“I’m touched you felt compelled to save these trinkets, but I must ask, whatever for?”

“They’re lost memories, like mine, from the fire, and I’m painting them for my show. Or at least trying to, but I’m running out of time.”

“Ah, yes! That makes perfect sense."

“It does? How?"

“Thus far, you’ve been piecing together memories, painstakingly recreating objects you’ve lost. But there’s a distance there as if you're compiling a catalog, much like the registrar you’ve trained to be."

“They’re more than cataloging—"

"But the objects from my flat are extant, and your renderings draw directly from their energy. Mixing our memories with your own adds a richness, describing the limbo we're all experiencing while building our lives again.”

“I, um...” Myka looked toward her easel, at the rendering of the calendar she rescued from the floor displayed there. Various events from that month flashed through her mind, and she realized the amount of baggage she was memorializing. Helena’s interpretation of her motives suddenly made sense, though unpacking them at the moment seemed too intense.

“Can you work on multiple paintings using artificial light?” Helena asked.

“I have been, and it helps. But I need to ship everything at least a week and a half in advance.”

“Ship many as you're able and take the rest with you on the plane.”

“Can I do that?”

“Yes. If you're still using wooden panels, they're not weighty. Pack them securely and pay the excess baggage fee,” Helena explained. “Buy them pre-primed to save time in the studio.”

“I like preparing them myself.”

“You must focus on content. Hire someone to prepare them for you, if that’s critical."

“You’re probably right.” Myka sighed.

“You're allowing too many distractions to get in your way.”

“Who’s fault is that?” Myka said, her bite from earlier gone.

“I’ll refrain from phoning if—“

“No. Call. I might not pick up, but this was...helpful." It was, but everything wasn't sitting right just yet. "We’re still not ok. Ok? You know that."

“I’m acutely aware.”

“As long as you know.”

“My offer still stands, either way.”

“I’ll keep it in mind,” Myka said, then tapped end her phone. That was all the critique she could handle for the day.

Positive news also eased tensions between them, as early on, Mrs. Frederic's bid won the sale. The sizable commission allowed her to step away from the gallery, though she promised to help out when needed. And the residency in LA got in touch before her trip and informed her she made it through to the semi-finalist round.

But she needs to get through tonight before anything can truly move forward, a big art night in Warsaw all round. The city's museums and galleries have openings concurrently, and tonight's crowd has already has exceeded expectations. The director's been buzzing around all evening, introducing her to new faces left and right. By the time Helena arrives, all the activity's made her head spin, and she's starting to zone out.

She spies Helena weaving towards her mid-sentence, cornered by a woman asking detailed questions about technique.

“Forgive the intrusion, but I must steal the guest of honor,” Helena says and hooks her arm through Myka’s. She leads her back across the room towards the entrance, then steps back and sweeps her eyes over her outfit. “Lovely as ever. More captivating in person. Though I did appreciate the preview over the phone.”

Myka blinks a few times, a little stunned by Helena’s actually here. “Y-you look nice, too. You didn't say you were wearing a dress.”

“I’m hardly well put together, but I did try my best. This event is too important to arrive both late and unkempt."

Myka searches for traces of unkemptness, but Helena's close-fitting dress is wrinkle-free. It compliments her frame so perfectly, she finds it difficult to look away. When she meets Helena's gaze, Helena's eyes fill with apology, and Myka's soften, accepting the gesture without reproach. Her show wouldn’t have come together without Helena's help, and she’s glad she’s finally here to share it with her.

"I thought you'd be here earlier. Was there lots of traffic?” Myka asks.

"I stopped by my hotel to change.”

“It’s not that far.”

“Yours was booked. Mine’s further away.”

“Oh. I didn't—“ A patron squeezing between them cuts Myka short.

Helena turns to face a painting on the wall. “This one’s mesmerizing in person. Nothing like the photo you sent. Its surface seems holographic, but that can’t be right.”

“I added mica powder to the pigment, to create a shine.”

“Myka power?” Helena quips, raising a brow.

“Very funny. You know what I mean. Christina said it should be shiny, like the sticker.”

“She is you’re harshest critic.”

“At times,” Myka says, with a smirk. “It is her sticker.”

“But the rendering is yours. And the sentiment an ode to childhood obsessions."

“It's about the resilience of materials in the harshest conditions,” Myka snaps, repeating the line she’s used all day. "But I guess it is a kid’s sticker, so...” She looks hard at the likeness of a curled and soiled Pegasus she created. Helena's interpretation wasn’t her intention, but she can see what she means.

“Have you repaired all the damage from your shipment?” Helena asks.

“Don’t get me started. I can’t believe the crappy repacking job they did."

“Manhandling must escalate the longer goods fester in Customs .”

“If they’d been held up anywhere but London, I don’t know what I would have done. Thank you again for convincing me to ask for Mrs. Frederic's help.”

“In my opinion, the paperwork error was inconsequential. They should never have been held back in the first place.”

“That’s what happens when I don’t double check things—"

“Myka, come and meet Priska," a woman interrupts. She places a hand on Myka’s shoulder and glances at Helena. “Ah, this must be the long-lost Helena. Welcome!"

“I’m pleased to have finally arrived,” Helena says, holding out a hand to shake. "You must be Eva, the director. Very nice to meet you,”

“Likewise,” Eva says, accepting the gesture. "I've heard much about you.”

“All good I hope.”

Eva smiles and looks across the gallery. “Come, talk with Priska. She’s intrigued by the calendar piece."

“There's a lot to be said, isn’t there?”

As they walk across the room, the mischievous look in Helena's eye leaves Myka wary of what "a lot" entails.

Helena shifts into dealer mode as they meet with Eva’s client, her charm on high as they check in with various guests. Myka chimes in when Helena's interpretations don’t line up with her own, but after their umpteenth conversation, she’s happy to let Helena speak for her. Helena mostly gets things right, plus she’s wiped from repeating herself, and watching Helena work, in her favor, is still a turn on.

There's a dinner after the opening, then drinks after that and Myka's running on steam by the drinks portion. Helena stays ever by her side, chatting with guests, refilling her glass, ensuring she's having a good time. It's comforting having Helena there to care of her, as she'd been mostly holed up alone for weeks.

During a lull in socializing, Helena glances at Myka and smiles a smile she knows is just for her. She slips her arm around Myka's waist, and Myka instinctively leans towards her, smiling back with equal sentiment.

As the hours pass, and the wine takes hold, their touches become more intimate. At some point, Myka tunes out the room entirely, and her eyes hanging on Helena's lips. The way they lift and stretch to match her cadence and inflection makes her wish they were moving over her skin. She aches to kiss her, but not here, somewhere private, somewhere alone. She snaps out of it when she realizes that’s not out of the question.

She asks the time, it's late, an appropriate time to leave. They say their goodbyes, then pile into a car someone called for them. Myka gives the driver directions, and when Helena adds a second stop, her heart sinks; it no longer makes sense to have asked her to book a separate room. It was an easy way out if their evening went unfavorably, but she assumed they'd be in the same hotel.

“I can’t wait to pass out,” she says, slumping back into her seat. She closes her eyes as the car drives away.

“You deserve a rest. And you’ll sleep soundly knowing tonight was a great success.”

“It was, wasn't it?” Myka says. She cracks an eye open to peer at Helena and sees she's sitting stiffly, too far away. She slides a hand across the seat and lays it over Helena’s thigh. “I’m glad you came.”

“Thank you for allowing me,” Helena says. She covers Myka’s hand with her own.

The car turns at a light and Myka settles back, closing her eyes again, resting her head on the top of the seat. The car turns and slows after continuing on for several minutes. When it stops, Helena removes her hand.

“Come up with me,” Myka says and squeezes Helena’s thigh.

Helena looks down at Myka's hand but doesn't answer.

"If you want," Myka adds. Was Helena's doting all an act? She did offer her hotel address rather quickly. Maybe she misread her; maybe she wants to be alone.

“I’d be happy to,” Helena says, laying her hand over Myka’s again and smiling as she meets Myka’s eyes.

They exit the vehicle and walk straight through the lobby, directly into an open elevator. Myka presses a button, and as they move skywards, she steps back and examines Helena’s shimmery ensemble.

“Your dress reminds me of the one from our first ‘official’ date.”

“Do you reckon?” Helena glances down at her garment.

“The cut’s the same, but the color's different. Did you do that on purpose?”

“I may very well have,” Helena replies.

The door opens and they walk down a corridor then stop in front of Myka’s room. Myka slips her keycard into the slot and upon entering, sheds her jacket and bag, throwing both over the arm of a chair. She turns and faces Helena, who is standing a few paces away.

“Take your coat off," Myka says, motioning for Helena to come closer.

“We should talk,” Helena says, her tone weighty, beyond the current mood.

“I know, but...” Myka steps behind Helena and reaches over her shoulders, slipping her fingers underneath her lapels. She leans forward and angles her head, so her lips nearly touch Helena's ear. “Let's keep tonight about me.”

Myka tugs on Helena's lapels and Helena circles her arms back, allowing Myka to slip her coat off entirely. Myka throws the coat on top of her own, then pads in front of Helena and threads a finger under the strap of her dress.

“Maybe we can have a do-over,” Myka says, her eyes following her finger as it slides up towards Helena's collarbone then back down to where the strap meets Helena's generous neckline.

“A what?”

“A do-over. For our 'official' first date.” Myka angles her eyes up, meeting Helena's questioning gaze. "We are in a hotel, and you are wearing a dress.”

"So it seems,” Helena says, her eyes falling to Myka's lips. She leans forward for a kiss, but Myka dodges, grabbing her hand and pulling her toward the bed. As they reach the edge, Myka spins Helena around and taps on her shoulders so she falls into sitting position, Helena lays back and Myka crouches down, lifting Helena's foot, slipping off one heel and then another. She removes her own and drops both pairs to the floor while Helena shimmies up the bed until her head rests on a pillow. Myka crawls across the bed until her body is hovering over Helena’s and Helena adjusts so they're in perfect alignment.

“This is where we left off,” Myka says, dipping down for a kiss. Helena lifts her head, but Myka stops an inch short. “No, wait. You sit up and kiss me.” Myka settles back on her haunches and takes hold of Helena’s hands, placing them, palms down, above her knees.

Helena lifts slowly at the waist, palms skimming up Myka’s thighs as Myka cups Helena’s jaw and guides their lips together. Helena's thumbs slide inwards as they reach the hem of Myka's skirt, stretching eagerly towards tender, intimate flesh.

“Hey!” Myka yelps.

Helena freezes. “I thought we were continuing where we left off?”

“It was our first time, remember? You wouldn’t have moved that fast.”

“You haven't a clue what I would or would not have done.”

“Then tell me," Myka says, but kisses Helena her before she can answer, a strategic brush of Helena's thumbs impossible to ignore.

Helena rakes her hands up, over the curve of Myka's hips, and wraps her arms tightly around Myka's middle. Myka presses into Helena as Helena’s tongue parts her lips, the need for closer contact rushing through her like lightning. When they're forced to break for air, Helena places kisses across Myka’s cheek and lets her lips linger near her ear.

“Any flesh I’d longed to touch would have been unclothed immediately.” Helena reaches behind Myka’s shoulders and drags down her zipper. Myka leans back and lifts her arms, allowing Helena to peel her garment off entirely.

"I'd have mapped every arc and every crook; cataloged each utterance of pleasure I'd earned." Helena slides Myka’s bra strap over the slope of her shoulder and places a soft, lingering kiss on the rise of her breast.

“Wait," Myka says as painful memories trickle back. “If you wanted me so badly, why did you leave?”

“We’ve talked about this,” Helena says, laying her forehead on Myka's chest.

“But I still don’t understand,” Myka says, tipping Helena's head up, needing to see Helena's eyes as she answers.

“I thought tonight was to remain about you.”

“It was but…why were you so scared that night?”

“I’d only just learned I’d be deported.”

“That’s not it. Not enough for you to bolt. It was something else, something out of your control.”

“Myka...“

Myka sits back, distancing herself, brow furrowing as she replays the details of that evening. “You asked a lot of questions about Mrs. Frederic. But you already knew who she was, didn’t you?”

“Her reputation precedes her—“

“No, you knew her. You’d met her before. Were you working for her then?”

“I hadn’t met her until the day I was called into her office." Helena's eyes narrow and Myka shrinks back. She hit a nerve, as she did so often over the phone. “I think you're over-tired, and perhaps a bit tipsy,” Helena says, taking hold of Myka’s hands and drawing them towards her.

“I’m going to change,” Myka says, slipping her hands free and sliding off the bed. She walks towards the bathroom and after entering closes the door.

She leans on the counter and stares into the mirror, seeing what Helena saw. Her eyes are red and puffy, her hair fairly frazzled, but it's been a really, really long day, so she's not surprised. But maybe, just maybe, she's overreacting as she is both overworked and overtired.

She begins pulling out pins and thinking over the situation; was Helena spying on Macpherson for Mrs. Frederic all this time? And was Bonnie clued into the situation before now? Helena said Mrs. Frederic knew her, or rather knew Emily before London, but did she mean “knew of” or “knew her personally?” And if so, wouldn’t she have known the "other" Emily first? Unless she only knew "this" Emily, Helena's Emily, the one from the trial.

She yanks the last pin free and runs her fingers through, combing her hair out into rough, curled strands.

If Helena was telling the truth and she wasn’t Emily before their date, then it is possible, at dinner, she hadn't met Mrs. Frederic yet. So maybe she's jumping to conclusions, mixed up between Claudia's research and Helena's murky past. It is easy to fall into old patterns, so she probably should chill out until they can talk for real. They have a whole three days to hash things out, and it's best to do so with a clear head.

She brushes her teeth and gives her face a quick wash before swapping her clothes for a t-shirt and shorts. She hesitates before opening the door, how does she want to handle this? If things hadn’t gone sour so quickly, they’d be otherwise engaged right now. And she'd rather be doing that than confronting Helena. Maybe it's best to pass out and deal with it tomorrow.

When she opens the door, Helena's standing near the entrance, her coat and shoes already on.

“At least you didn’t sneak out this time.”

“I was certain you wouldn't want me to stay.”

“No, I do." Myka walks toward her suitcase and rummages through, pulling out a fresh t-shirt. “Here. Go change.”

Helena removes her coat and shoes then moves toward the bathroom, taking the t-shirt from Myka’s hand as she passes.

Once the door closes, Myka climbs onto the bed and burrows under the covers. She breathes deep breaths and closes her eyes, hoping to calm her nerves before Helena emerges.

Too few moments later, the bed dips down, and Helena sits motionless for what seems like an eternity. Myka doesn't move either, unsure of how to proceed, waiting for Helena to set the tone.

“Are you asleep?”

“No. Not yet."

“May I say something?”

“Sure."

“Our past may be irreparable, and our future...unpredictable. But our present is something we hold agency over.”

Myka rolls onto her side and bends her arm at the elbow, propping her head up with a hand. “How long did it take you to come up with that?"

"Since you first entered to bathroom."

"It's good. And I get it. You mean tonight is what we make it.”

“Yes,” Helena says. “You’d asked this evening be kept about you and I'd hoped you'd allow me to hold fast to that. You deserve a grand finish that only I can deliver. Let's end your successes on a high note."

“Selling yourself, instead of my paintings? Classy.” Myka huffs a short laugh.

“In a manner of speaking. Is that of any interest?"

"Kinda." Myka shrugs.

“Then I clearly misinterpreted your earlier intentions." Helena looks down at her hands.

“No, you didn't,” Myka says. “I'm interested. But it wouldn’t fix anything. And we’d still need to talk. A lot.”

“And we shall. Eminently.”

Myka slides her hand across the duvet and brushes a thumb over Helena's wrist. She may regret this tomorrow, but it is what she wants tonight.

Helena lifts her legs onto the bed and stretches out next to Myka, angling her body so they’re lying face to face. She cups Myka’s jaw and brushes a thumb over her cheek, looking into her eyes as if asking permission. Myka covers Helena’s hand and slides it over her lips, kissing it then laying it on the bed. She then eases Helena onto her back and straddles her hips, planting her hands on either side of her head. She dips down and kisses Helena as Helena's hands skim up her thighs, fingers sliding under Myka's hem with zero protests.

-TBC-

[avicebro]

Hello Pollux! Can you explain your OTP tags?

This is something people want? Lol okay:

This includes League of Legends and Fate.

Fate:

otp: be my queen | richard/ayaka

reference to the fact that richard is continuously trying to get ayaka to be his master. since they are master/servant and i like them romantically it turns from “be my master” to “be my queen”. a good otp 10/10 narita when will you ever.

otp: avenger and ruler | edmond dantes/amakusa shirou 

i hope this is obvious. it’s an avenger and a ruler. demonstrates the fact that they’re polar opposites but still good as a ship.

otp: dragon slayers | siegfried/saint george

reference to how they work really well together in defeating wyverns in fate/grand order. may include kojiro if i find some siegfried/kojiro art i like.

otp: thief and executioner | robin hood/charles henri sanson

i like these two, especially in the salem chapter. the ship name is reference to their roles: one is a thief, one is an executioner. i was also thinking of giving them a title like “the new fruk” cause that’s basically what they are lol.

otp: im a self insert | guda/fgo character

any art of a guda and a fate grand order character. mainly avicebron and dantes because that’s who i ship myself with. more characters may join eventually but im very gay.

otp: casters of opposing factions | avicebron/william shakespeare

in apocrypha they’re the casters for the opposing factions. in fate grand order they seem to keep this dislike for each other.

otp: a new isolde | tristan/melt

ok i haven’t seen the full ccc event yet but basically tristan compares melt to isolde so yeah she’s a new isolde for him. i don’t like how fate writes her name (isseult?) so we’re going with this spelling.

otp: i’ll make you tsar | kadoc/anastasia

this is kadoc’s plan in lostbelt, to make her tsar of the lostbelt. that doesn’t really happen though but they’re in love okay?????

otp: hate at first sight | kirei/kiritsugu

i was tempted to call them “beautiful ties” as a pun on their names but decided against it. hate at first sight because that’s what happened. get along you two.

otp: president and princess | rin/issei

their roles at school. proud captain of the rissei ship. i will love this ship by myself if i have to.

otp: like cats and dogs | gilgamesh/cu chulainn

this is because of ip. go through her gilcu tag. i swear you’ll come out a different person. gilcu is a good ship. they’re a cat and a dog.

otp: i hate everything you stand for | hansa/jester

hansa and jester both hate each other because of who they are. jester despises those from the church, hansa hates dead apostles. they’re fun.

otp: l’auteur malfaisant | edmond dantes/dumas

this is just what dantes calls him, “the wicked author” but in french. love these two so fucking much. if you want me to be happy just mention eddumas.

otp: beast like me | caren/angra mainyu

in hollow ataraxia, it’s stated that they are both beasts: caren for being born “out of wedlock” and angra mainyu because he’s all the evils of the world. they are both beasts by birth, and must deal with the sins from being called a beast. also a big otp.

otp: sad a lot | tristan/lancelot

i was originally calling this ship “tristalot” which sounds like “triste a lot” which is french for “sad a lot”.

otp: up until this moment my wish was being granted | medea/souichirou

OTP TO RULE ALL OTPS. god i love these two. it’s a reference to what medea says in UBW when she dies. man i love these two so much.

otp: the jewel resting near my heart | rin/shirou

reference to the pendent rin gives shirou. may include rin/archer i’m not sure yet.

otp: let’s destroy the world! | kirei/gilgamesh

wow this is late on the list lol. the ship name is what they wanna do. kirei route when nasu.

otp: on the defense | hector/alter cu chulainn

both of them are known for being defensive characters, both in playstyle and in personality. they’re old, tired men let them nap.

otp: i may not always be by your side | issei/shirou

this is a line issei tells shirou in prillya. love these guys a lot. especially with rin.

otp: sword and sheath | saber/shirou

that’s what they are. saber is the sword and shirou is the sheath. no sexual jokes please. like them romantically and as friends.

otp: my wish is for her to live | medusa/sakura

purple girlfriends. love them. love heaven’s feel. reference to a line medusa tells shirou.

otp: my superman | sakura/shirou

OTP TO RULE ALL OTPS. the best ship in stay night with kuzucaster. i love heaven’s feel so much. they were what got me into drawing. i love them so much. reference to the superman scene in HF.

otp: two too pretty boys | diarmuid/gilgamesh

this is 100% because they are attractive guys. that is it. the ship name shows this.

otp: you cursed me | emiya alter/kiara

don’t @ me i like these two. emiya alter an alter because of kiara, hence the ship name.

otp: you were literally made for me | gilgamesh/enkidu

I DON’T HATE THIS SHIP WHY WOULD I TAG AND REBLOG IT SO MUCH IF I HATED THIS SHIP? I simply stated that I am tired of seeing it so much in the f/sf tags. I do like these two shhh. name is a reference to the fact that kidu was made for gil.

otp: lance to the heart and you’re to blame | kirei/cu chulainn

hello i love kotoyari. reference to the UBW ending. feb 14 isn’t valentines day it’s kotoyari day.

otp: your dream is mine | kiritsugu/irisviel

i can’t talk about this ship without crying just know i love them. iri wishes for his dream to come true.

otp: i wanted a saber anyways | rin/saber

just gals being pals you know . and originally rin wanted a saber.

otp: the woman was a saint | kirei/claudia

im not crying you’re crying. a line in the VN.

otp: you remind me of someone | paracelsus/phantom

no this isn’t just because they’re pretty boys lol. like the idea of them being good friends who help each other when the other goes berserk. 

otp: dancing with the devil | mephistopheles/paracelsus

there’s a lot of cool/interesting ship art between these two that’s really cool and i love. love the idea of them adopting jack. 

otp: fist of the north star to the heart | saint martha/sasaki kojiro

just wait until the summer event. love how koji has joined the dragon slayer’s group. hope he enjoys his new friends. you have to fight her at one point for koji’s development. it’s a joke about how her np is a fist of the north star joke.

otp: calm desert nights | nitocris/scheherazade 

reference to lalalack’s ‘desert beauty’ piece. they spend those nights in the desert exchanging stories, calming each other down. 

otp: how about we put it to the test? | li shuwen/beowulf

what beowulf says to li shuwen before they start their fight. they like to beat each other up and it’s great. 

otp: beat up a pretty face | beowulf/fionn mac cumhaill

who has the pretty face is up to you. reference to how fionn looks ephemeral in the beofionn art.

otp: a king and his knight | diarmuid/fionn

it’s their roles. yeah i know fionn “killed” him it’s fun. 

my chivalrous knight | diarmuid/saber

who is the knight and who is chivalrous? up to you!

otp: blue knights | cu chulainn/saber

only two people ship this there’s only two posts i wanna die

a queen and her knight | saber/irisviel

based on when saber acts as her knight (aka all of fate/zero) in f/z. doesn’t have otp cause i’m lazy. 

ot3: church trio | gilgamesh/kirei/cu chulainn

they live in the church lol.

ot3: we could have had it alllllll | sieg/jeanne d’arc/astolfo

based on the fact that apocrypha could have easily juggled the three of these into an ot3 but nope.

ot3: my two friends | gilgamesh/enkidu/kirei

there is only 1 piece of fanart in this tag but it’s a very good piece of fanart

ot3: this could have worked really well tbqh | kirei/gilgamesh/tokiomi

team archer could have been good if kirei didn’t get his dick sucked by gilgamesh.

ot3: princess president and prince | rin/issei/shirou

their roles - i think shirou should be a prince. i just really love rissei and shissei so why not combine them into an ot3 y/y?

group tag: aesthetic of death | gilles de rais, uryuu ryuunosuke, jeanne alter, prelati

i love these guys a lot okay? a lot of gilles/ryu because canon otp. was supposed to be art of death because of ryuunosuke's CE but it was mistranslated and i'm too lazy to change it!

group tag: equipe francaise | d’eon, marie, mozart, sanson 

they are cute but this tag is pushed by my thirst for mozart. the tag means “french team” which is basically what they are right?

brotp: my retainer | waver velvet/alexander the great

im sorry i can’t ship this romantically but they are cute together!

brotp: troy's defense | penthesilea, hektor

these two are good bros who break pots together and will rip achilles' open

League of Legends:

otp: spin to win | katarina/garen

this is about gameplay. garen is known for his e, which is a spin. the joke “spin to win” comes from that ability. since katarina also has a spin, spin to win works for these two.

otp: drasona | draven/sona

it’s just their ship name lol.

otp: takes two to tango | evelynn/twisted fate

reference to the twisted fate and evelynn shared tango skins. such a good ship. i love them and twisted fate/graves. league of legends please do something with these two i stg.

otp: partners in crime | twisted fate/graves

man this is the best lol ship man i wish lol would do anything with this ship that would be great i love my gay men. and they’re working together again! nice!

otp: the sun shines for you | leona/pantheon

i don’t know what lol is doing with these two if if they’re actually gonna be together and i love diana/leona too but i’ve always had a soft spot for these two. also? a great bot lane if you can stomp early. 

otp: it’s called art | jinx/jhin

to be honest i just think these two would be hilarious. let them just do whatever they want in piltover. 

otp: collecting souls | thresh/kalista

aesthetic and also a great botlane. i just love kalista tbh. ghost wife. 

otp: trying to keep the balance | shen/zed

wow the first otp for league of legends. good shit guys hope you guys get more content soon. 

If a ship you know I like is not on this list it’s probably just tagged as the ship name! I’m probably going to go through and create tags for each ship like these as I think of them. If you have suggestions for ship names let me know! 

[mega-ringsandthings-world]

Again, I know the show is an adaptation. But it being an adaptation is not a get-off-free-ticket from me criticizing it. It’s still telling the story that began with the books, and if I think the show is straying too far from the source material, then that’s my problem.  I’m absolutely not against the change of Louis’ race, but again, I just don’t like the way the show is displaying some of the characters, and again, how it intersects with Louis’ new race in the show.  Lestat and Louis are two racist white men in the books, yes, but in the adaptation, for a show that claims to want to avoid the racist aspects of Lestat and Louis’ story, seeing a black man and woman treated that way on screen by white characters seems pretty iffy to me. Why do all that? They were doing so well showing the divide between Louis/Claudia and Lestat, but that seems less about showing the divide and more about making things some good versus bad showdown.    Yeah, true, but the focus here is Lestat, Louis and Claudia. I’m not talking about the other characters you’ve mentioned, although I could write a book (or books) on Anne’s treatment of poc within her works. As a poc myself, I’m not entirely thrilled over it, nor did I like it when I first read the books and picked up on it.  Besides, what does it matter? Lol, all I’m saying is that I don’t like things in the show/I don’t like things the show is doing, and you’ve been making a big deal of it for days. I don’t see how what I think should even matter to you at all. And I also don’t see why you seem so insistent that I stop watching the show and go back to the books just because I criticized the show?  If you like the show and what it’s doing and have no complaint, good? I’m glad for you? I’m not saying that you’re wrong? I’m just saying that I personally don’t like things about it. 

I think the IWTV showrunner/writers are afraid of allowing Claudia and Louis to look even remotely bad, so they have to turn Lestat into a caricaturish villain to justify their murdering him.

Idk if it's because they're afraid that the audience won't sympathize with her character when she's killed if she's presented as ever doing anything wrong, or if there's some other reason behind it, but that's what it seems like to me.

I don't honestly see how they get past season two at this rate, but I guess we'll see what happens. But it is funny watching book fans twist themselves into pretzels to try to justify why these changes are good and make sense.

If so, then I'm calling bullshit. Louis and Claudia aren't the "good ones" and things don't need to be black and white. Like...half the point is that...Louis and Claudia were partially in the wrong for killing Lestat, and making Lestat into a over-the-top-abusive asscheek, Louis into a victimized catamite, and Claudia into a tortured teen runaway detracts some nuance from the equation. Yes, Lestat is violent and Not Morally Good person, but the way he behaved is OOC. In his worst moments he never did anything even approaching what he did to Louis in the show, and never once did he raise his hand to Claudia. This narrative of domestic abuse is baffling to me. The fucked up aspects of Lestat, Louis and Claudia’s family unit always came more from the mental mindfucks (Claudia) and the emotional unsuitability they all experienced, rather than some good old wife-beating.  Literally, when Louis was thinking about leaving Lestat in the book, what does Lestat do? He goes and makes them a daughter to keep Louis with him. Not tear his throat open and drag him for filth before going Magneto-on-the-satellite on him.   I have no idea what in the hell is supposed to happen with Claudia, because in the show is obvious she's going to kill Lestat in revenge for Louis beat down/Lestat's atrocious actions, but in the books/movie, she kills purely for selfish reasons. I feel they took a lot away from the story by aging her up physically, because that's literally the crux of her resentment and hate, a woman who is approaching three-quarters of a century old trapped in a child's body. (not a teenager’s) That alone should be enough to inspire deep pity and sympathy.  Claudia kills Lestat despite Louis also having a hand in her making, because she now wants Louis alone, and loves Louis alone. Going for the “sister” role for her substantially weakens what she is, which is woman forcefully taking what she wants. I don't want to say that I hope they don't get greenlit for a season two, but at this point I'm starting to not like the show more than I like it, and I had absolutely started to love it at the beginning. 

[cicinicole-14]

coco’s college story

I just need to vent and get things off my chest. this is going to be quite long, and I’m going to add more to this, but we’re starting a new segment on this blog called #coco’s college story. I’m going to get personal and real and you don’t have to read, but I just need to write it all out. feel free to come talk if you feel inclined to. and since this will be long, I’ll put it under the cut. lets hope everything is spelled right...

college really sucks sometimes. I’m really stressed out from it and I have no idea what to do or what I am doing. 

I’m going to start at the beginning, or try to at least. which, brings me to grade 11. I think this is really where it started. everyone was starting to take the ACT/SAT (American standardized tests required for most college admittance) and I hadn’t even begun to think where I truly wanted to go for college. yet some kids in my class had already started applying wtf. all I thought I knew was that a. I wanted to go out of state and b. I wanted to go far from home and c. I wanted to be a doctor. 

summer of 2016 (summer after I finished 11th grade) I was in Virginia visiting my best friend Autumn (she plays a huge role in this). Autumn is 6 months older than me and would be at this time starting her first semester at GMU in the fall of 2016. so she asked me where I wanted to go to school. my reply? “haha that’s a great question!!! I have no fucking clue.” (literally word for word) and she was like “apply to GMU!!!” and I was like, “dude, Noah fence but you’re going there to be a hISTORY major and I literally slept thru that class for all of middle and high school. nah fam” and she’s like “yeah, but they have a great science program and then you can go to Hopkins after.” so I was like ok maybe. so I did what everyone does best: listed my pros and cons

pros: 

going to school w/ bff since age 3

1,025 miles from home and from my mother* 

good science program so I can be a dr?? 

location wise: gr8 bc autumn’s fam lived 2hrs north and my stepsister (who I’m close with) lived 2hrs NE and its a 2hr plane ride home to florida

cons: 

is hella expensive**

1,025 miles from home 

current number of people I know going to this school: 1 (and pls note: I hate doing things alone even tho I love to be alone. idk how to explain this but like like I enjoy being alone but I don’t like being alone. I know some of y’all understand this?)

leaving friends I have in florida

tbh, the pros outweighed the cons and I applied to GMU and I was accepted. (I applied to other schools and got accepted to one and denied at another because they closed the program I was applying for but I can assure u had they not, I would’ve gotten accepted)anyway, I took my ACT in October of 2016 and got accepted to gmu in December of 2016. I think that’s really when the stress started kicking in, because while I was happy to be accepted to my dream school, I had a lot of emotions I wasn’t ready for and then later on experienced them. 

2017 started off decently. I went into the second semester of senior year knowing I was accepted and 100% planning on going to my dream school, ready for a new future, ready to leave Florida, excited about going to Italy that march with my class etc… 

but it also brought hard times because I ended my friendship with one of my best friends in the whole world: olivia. we were inseparable and had been for 8 years and knew each other for 13 years. it was seriously really hard, especially because not only was I close to her, I was close with her mom, little brother, big sister, niece and nephews. it really sucked. 

and, I had the daunting task of telling my mother I was going to Virginia for college. 

now, as some of you may know, my relationship with my mother is very strained. and whenever I refer to my “parents” on Tumblr, I’m talking about my dad and stepmom, because I always refer to my mom (as mother) separately. and add to the fact, my mother flipped out on autumn’s mom a few years ago and told them to never speak to me again. so, since I was 12 years old, my mom has had no idea I’ve kept in touch with autumn and still has no idea I go to school with autumn. (my dad and stepmom love her family and her and see no problem with them same as me and she’s my best friend and my mother has issues we will not be addressing rn) anyway, so I didn’t tell my mother I got accepted to GMU until April of 2017. (mind you, I found out mid-december and my dad found out when I got the email because I made Claudia stop the car before we headed to a Christmas party lol) and so I told my mom in April that I was going to GMU and she asked me if autumn went there and I lied right thru my teeth and told her I had no fucking clue because we weren’t friends, remember? and that was one big thing that really started the stressing because a. I didn’t have olivia there as my bff to help me thru the stressful time, and b. I so badly wanted my mother to be happy for me but I knew deep down she really wasn’t because she also flipped out a bit and was like “wtf ur going to college? u leave in august?” and I was like yeah, what did you expect me to do?” and honestly, she was angry about it, but I was an adult, its my life and she had no say in where or whether or not I was going to college. 

so, fast forward to college. idk how chronological this will be so we’re just going to list some stressors I’ve had with college. 

it’s 1,025 miles away from home

I grew up in a town in Florida, in the same neighborhood I was brought home from the hospital in (I almost said same house, but I moved down the street long story…) I went to a preschool from ages 2-4 and then started elementary and middle school ages 5-13 at one school and then half of my eight grade class went to my high school. and I was there for four years. these people were family. out of the 7 people who went to high school with me, 4 I knew since kindergarten, one I knew since fifth grade and the other since sixth and the last one was me. and I made two friends (chelsey and Claudia) in ninth grade who are my sisters. I love them both so much. I would talk thru fire for them (and autumn, Robyn and belle ofc but we’re talking about my friends at home) anyway, I grew up there. Florida is my home. I like small places. I lived in a kinda small city in my two bedroom condo with my parents and doggo and I had neighbors who I’d known most of my life. my whole family was in Florida basically, minus my aunt (dad’s sister who we visit in NY or she’d visit us).

I was leaving my friends

I went from seeing Claudia every day in school, and once every two weeks during the summer or a few times a week because of our movie dates lol, and chelsey who graduated the year before me and lived an hour away from me at home, made it a point to still come to my school to see me and sleep over at my house, and then during the summer she came over once a week and stayed over. I saw them all the time. we’re three peas in a pod. I saw them a lot. and I only have 5 really close friends. friends I would walk thru fire for, and trust with my life. mentioned above: Claudia, chelsey, autumn, Robyn and belle. and we all have different relationships. autumn moved away when I was 11 and I coped with that in middle school (another dark time in my life) and I learned to live with that. Robyn and belle I met over Tumblr, so I’d never entertained the prospect of seeing them regularly. (tho Robyn and I have kinda made a pact of visiting each other during the summer and thus every other summer I get to see belle when Its my turn to visit Canada) but chelsey and claudia? I saw them a lot, and I hadn’t had to cope with a friend, who I saw a lot and was inseparable with, be away from me for a huge long period of time in a long time (age 11). and to add to the fact, both chelsey and Claude go to school at home and they became close with my family too so like idk it all just kinda fell apart 

I get really homesick/leaving my parents and dog

this one wasn’t as bad solely because, I left home august 2nd. I was traveling by myself most of this month. I saw my parents at the end of the month when they held me move in for college. then, I got a surprise visit from them and my doggo in September because they drove up to my sister’s house 2 hrs from my school to escape the hurricane that was to hit Florida (bless, my house was fine). then I saw them again in October, because my sister got married!!! and thanksgiving I saw them again, November, because ofc its thanksgiving ill see them, even though it flew by. and now here, its December and I’m going home for a month. so I’ll see them thru January. and then lbr, because my dad works in Maryland a lot, he’s probably gong to be up north most of 2018 too and he vowed to visit me when he could because he’s a mush and misses his kid even if he denies it. also, the homesickness; I don’t like being away from people/be by myself in a house for an extended period of time, but I kinda built up my tolerance because my dad travels a lot and I have speration anxiety from it (he travelled all my life and I was left with my mother for a lot of it so stress but I built up a tolerance for it when I was like 15 and my homesickness started getting better from then on out) and like I did really well when I spent 8 days in Italy without my parents etc which I only had 1 tiny little freak out and Claudia helped me thru it and was proud at the fact that I only had one like 2 days in to the trip and was fine after that. 

my life plan

holy f u c k. ever hear the saying like “you plan and god laughs”? well, holy fuck, it can’t be more true. I don’t care what god or thing you believe in, its fucking true. I’m a planner. not a detailed one, but its a rough outline, I have a plan of my life, roughly outlined; its got a few bullet points mainly looking like this:

my life:

go to college out of state

make money

be a doctor in the nicu

be a mom/foster/adopt kids

own lotsa pets

have enough money to build my own house

were going to focus on the “be a doctor” point. because this is where everything got fucked. 

since I was five years old, five. I wanted to be a doctor. since that age, I narrowed down the specifics and specialty etc. I picked out what school I wanted to go to for medical school and whatnot. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was five fucking years old. 

college has since changed that plan...

about a month into school this semester, I changed my major of–––biology degree> medical school> be a doctor to uh, now I’m currently in the pre-nursing (BsN) program at my college (and I’m minoring in photography, but that I knew about and hasn’t changed). I remember this day very clearly when I decided. it was a Monday. idk the date, but it was Monday and I was sitting in the JC (the main campus building) with autumn eating food and I was like “I’m having a crisis and I want to change my major to nursing” and so then I called my dad and told him I was going to do it. thankfully my while family was very supportive (minus my mother I have not talked to her since September[?]***)

so that happened, and threw me for a loop. 

college is just extremely different in general.

I really don’t even know how else to categorize this. so here are just random things. 

professors are weird. all of them. no matter their age: which this ranges too because I have some that are like two coughs away from dying and others who are literally only like 5 years older than me… fucking weird. 

your syllabus is your fucking roadmap. don’t fucking lose it. 

nothing ever gets graded at a decent time. I literally got two papers back without grades on them and they aren’t online either but the prof said that they’re recorded in the gradebook he has so like????

I grew up going to private christian schools since I was 2… which means no cussing in class and wearing a uniform and your parents drive you to school, we don’t have busses. 

college: no dress code. I wore pj’s (with jack skellington on them) to class and Christmas and halloween printed leggings and hoodies with just a bra underneath and fucking whatever the hell I wanted to class, strapless/sleeveless dresses, whatever. my professors cusses in classes/lectures. I was taken back by this at first. but thoroughly loved the chillness and laid-backness that classes had tho because I could say whatever I wanted (vulgarity wise). and I now blame my worsening swearing habit on college because I’m not in christian private school or nannying 3x a week anymore so I haven’t needed to curb my language… walking…everywhere… I live on campus in a dorm without a car (autumn has one but we really only use it to run errands on Fridays) and damn that was a shock. because while yes, I lived in a smallish city and there was a Walmart and dollar store close to my house to walk to if I was bored, I didnt really walk much, we drove a lot. because my school was 15 miles away. and like idk nothing wasn’t super close. and now here that I live on campus, my whole life is here. I eat sleep and breathe campus, so I walk everywhere. to all my classes, to get food, well thats basically it because thats all college leaves you time for… 

college is stressful. 

and finally, here are more things that I wasn’t expecting. 

I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult. Im currently taking 6 classes (16 credits altogether) and out of those 6 classes, I’m currently passing 2 I think? college is fucking hard. it didn’t help that I had a few major major major anxiety attacks and literally disassociated with everything for a week, two different times, plus I got sick with a nasty ass cold, and like idk, just it sucked. I moved 1,025 miles from home and then homesickness an that reality of “I’m living a thousand miles from home by myself” hit me. and I literally know no one here except autumn who I see once a week on Fridays. (because we both have off) and like it killed me. I left my only home I’ve ever known. I moved my whole life here. and I had a shocking realization that yeah, I’m going to Florida during breaks and whatnot, but I left Florida August 2, 2017 and I knew it was for good. I packed up my whole room last summer and knew that when I got on the plane, I wasn’t going to ever be coming back home home for good. I left my keys on the kitchen counter and said goodbye to my room. and yes, its still my room, but it’s been a guest room for the past few months and its not my room anymore. I did move out. and so that hit me too. 

and I’m alone here. I had a mental breakdown one day when I was texting chelsey and Claudia and all I really wanted was a hug from them but they’re a thousand miles away and couldn’t give me one, so I was stuck crying in the middle of our campus chick-fil-a. and so I texted autumn at 9am on a Thursday and she came in her pj’s and walked across campus to give me a hug so I could hug her, cry on her shoulder and breathe a little easier. 

and while I know this decision to move states away and leave everything I’ve ever known was hard, I know it was the right decision and the best decision I ever made, and the scariest.

I know that because if I went to school at home, I would Never have ended up moving out. I know I needed to experience college dorm life, and living by myself more, and being independent. I know for my health––mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally––it was for the better. mentally: I am able to escape my mother being here where she can’t visit me or I won’t run into her here. physically: I walk everywhere and I’m attempting to eat healthier etc… spiritually: I’ve had a rough time with my faith, but I’m a christian and like autumn helps me a lot with this in strengthening my faith etc etc, (I’m more spiritual than religious) and emotionally: I’ve been able to heal and accept who I am, and I came out as bi to my friends, currently 4/5 of them and all of you guys. its a new zone here and I can live and be free and be me. I don’t have to worry about the people I knew from high school judging me because I’m bi and we went to a christian school etc. I’m who I am here and my decision to move here has helped me grow. 

and also, yeah, I’m stressing currently about my future, but I’m going to take it a day at a time. I’m failing classes right now, but I’ve realized thats because I haven’t been on my A-game. I went thru a major life change, I’ve had a bit of family health issues, I’ve had to deal with a lot of issues and stress surrounding my mother and my relationship with her since starting college, and like a lot more, and so I have decided that while I had a mental breakdown about not making it into the nursing program, I’m going to take it slowly. fuck doing this all “fast and in four years and yada yada”. Its only been one semester, this is a whole new ballgame for me. college is so different from high school. so, I’m going to be better next semester, focus more on my passions, maybe take summer classes, and not pressure myself to be in the nursing program in my 3rd year, take my time. there’s no rush. 

notes:

*– mother and I have a very strained relationship due to her years of mental abuse (and very little but still prevalent physical abuse) towards me. I’ve been trying to get out from under her thumb since I was 10. moved in with my dad when I was 12 but since he travelled for work a lot, I stayed with mother etc until I was about 15 when I stayed with friends or by myself. and so being away from her like this has only brought peace and less fights because I don’t have to see her or talk to her

**– college out of state tuition is hella fucking expensive, but thankfully, my granddad had set aside money for his grandkids (there’s only 2 of us, me and my cousin Kiersten who is out of college now) and has put us thru school (private school) our whole lives. we have been blessed so very graciously with being able to go to any school we chose debt free because our grandpa has it covered no questions asked and truly its the best thing ever because while I grew up not worrying about tuition, I still grew up with a tight family income because mom had a fixed income and then when I moved in with dad, he worked for himself, so he has seasonal work… some months its great, other months were scrounging for the last few dollars to put food on the table… 

***–since moving to college and being out from under my mother’s thumb, I’ve been talking with my parents (again remind u this means dad and stepmom) about me needing to learn to heal and forgive and just live my life and I can’t do that if I keep having my mother call or text me or expect me to visit her etc… I’m an adult. I’m going home this Christmas to tell her that if she wants to be my mother in the long run, she needs to play by my rules, and this is now going to happen my way. I need to cut contact with her for however long. and she’s not to reach out to me. I need to be the one to do it because if she pushes it, our relationship is so strained right now because of her actions, if she attempts anymore, she’s going to lose me forever as her daughter and deep down, we both don’t want that. so I need space and need to learn how to forgive her. and she needs to get help and learn to be a better person herself. she needs to do a lot of things I’m not going to get into here but yeah, basically. 

so that’s it. this was really long and I’m sorry about that. if y’all feel inclined to talk to me about any of this, feel free to do so. I needed to talk through this. I’m probably going to talk about #coco’s college story a bit as my life goes on. I will keep everyone updated. college is stressful, and crazy, and scary and wild and fun and terrifying and a lot of emotions mixed in one

xx cici 

[jadededge]

Auradon U. Ch 4

Link to full story. 
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12595606/4/Auradon-U 
Chapter 4

When Jay arrived at Claudia’s dorm, he realized she wasn’t there. She could’ve been anywhere, so he decided to text her. Jay: Claudia. Please, we need to talk. I didn’t mean for this to happen… we really need to straighten somethings out. Where are you? “Come on. Respond.” Jay says aloud. Perched on a bench outside her dorm, he didn’t know what to do at this point. He broke Luxie’s trust. And if we’re being honest, he broke Claudia’s too. The son of Jafar was stuck. He didn’t know what part of the situation who should try to mend first. There’s nothing else that he wanted to do more than to run back to Lux. However, with Claudia looming in their path, he had no one to blame but himself. He knew Lux wouldn’t go any further with him. His phone vibrating interrupted his thoughts.

*Notification: Text from Claudia* Claudia: I’m fine. Truly. 
Jay: cmon Dia. Where are you? We have to talk in person.
Claudia: I’m in the library.
Jay: I’m otw! Jay sprints to the school’s library. Meanwhile, Claudia had just finished her letter to her pal. Jay would regret what he had done, but she had to play a part till her moment of revenge. Drying her eyes and straightened her shoulders, she resolved to appear as unbothered as possible. “Shit Claudia. I’m fucking sorry.” Jay strides towards the table she was sitting at. He takes a seat on the table next to hers and hangs his head. Claudia just stares at him. He takes this as a queue to keep apologizing. Just be honest Jay. Continuing to the girl in front of him. “We weren’t exactly together, but I know it felt like we working towards something. I’m not sure what that something was but… I didn’t mean to led you on, that thing with Lux just happened. I’m a piece of shit. If you could find it in you to forgive me and we can keep being friends?” “I forgive you.” Claudia immediately speaks as she goes to get up. “It’s really no problem Jay. Things happen. See ya around.” She goes to leave the library. Watching her walk away dumbfounded. “There’s no way it was that easy.” Jay said out loud.
You’re right. There’s no way. His subconscious jeered. “Right either way. Gotta get to Lux.” *compose text: to: Lux*
Jay: omw back.
________________________________________________ Claudia had it all planned out. It would take a few weeks so she had to play nice till her moment. She had a trinket of Maleficent’s that she could get her hands on. She would get this to Uma and bring her to Auradon again for her second chance. 
____________________ “So yeah. That’s it.” Jay finishes his explanation and plea for forgiveness. Lux rolls her eyes, “seriously Jay, you don’t owe me any explanations. But I think it’s best we just don’t go on this date.” “I agree.” Jay responds. “You do?” “Yeah, I fucked it up. The evening would be sullied by my mistakes.” “That’s very honorable of you. I’m impressed.” “Impressed enough to still go on the date?” He smiles. Lux looks at him like “really dude?” “Joking. Joking.” Still smiling that Jay smile. “We’ll work up to that.” “We will?” Lux is still skeptical. He reaches to caress her face, “we will.” Mmmm, this feels good. Lux closes her eyes and leans into his hand. “Alright.” She snaps out of it. “It is…” She looks at her watch. “…9:27pm, let’s go find out friends and get into some mischief.” “My lady.” He offers his arm for her to hooks hers thru and they take off out of the room. ______________________ On this nice, clear evening, the group decided to party on a private shore facing the ocean with a view of the isle. It always made the VKs feel at ease, to see their former home, no matter awful it treated them. Lux and Jay hadn’t had time to enlightened the group to what happened. As you can imagine, they were being bombarded with question after question. “You what?” Evie exclaimed. Carlos high-fived Jay, “nice!” “Why did Claudia walk into your room without knocking? Had it coming if you ask me.” Mal says. “Mal. Don’t say that.” Ben chastised her, nicely of course. “What Benny Boo? You know its rude to enter a room that’s not yours without knocking.” Ben played with this in his mind, “yeah. That’s true. But it wasn’t really her fault it happened.” “Yeah. It was mine.” Jay responds. Carlos adds on, “but it’s great that’s she’s cool about!” Jay agrees. Ben chimes in, “it really is miracle. It’s never that easy with girls.” “She’s not okay.” All the girls say together, rolling their eyes. Men were so clueless. 
“Yeah, I bet it’s not over…. Hey pass that here will you.” Mal asks for the bottle from Carlos. “But then again. We could be wrong.” She takes a swig. “Easy Girl.” Jay says. “That’s the strongest Isle mead.” Mal took that as a challenge and drank more. Everyone cheered. “Lux?” Mal offered the bottle. Lux grabs it and finishes it off. Jay had never been more in love. Love? “Hey, let’s play that game….” Evie starts while grabbing the other bottle. Jay’s thoughts being to drift away from the group. Was he stupid for thinking that it was settled? Of course. Lux had forgiven him. That was a miracle. But it’s downright unbelievable that her AND Claudia were okay with what happened. But on the shore having a great time with his friends, his troubles began to drift. __________________________ Weeks had passed with no incident. Everyone forgot about Claudia. Jay had been focusing on tourney and Lux. He had barely given a thought to her. They would see each other passing only offering a small smile before continuing on their way. Even Mal began to believe that it was over. Maybe she had been wrong after all. 
Lux began to put the entire situation with Jay to the back of her mind. She had convinced herself that whatever she had begun to feel for him was a fluke. There were no more romantic run-ins and things had fallen back into place as they were before. But she did make it a point to not be so shitty to Jay. She did feel bad about Claudia. She wouldn’t have called them friends but she was friendly. It’s moments like this that confirm to Lux how much of an anti-hero angel she was. Not quite perfect. “So, the weirdest thing just happened.” Lux says sitting down at the table with her group. “I mean, grade A weird shit. “What happened?” Evie asks. “Claudia just came up to me.” Lux responds. Jay chokes on his drink. “Claudia?? What did she want?” Mal laughs. “I knew it. I told you. This wasn’t over. I wonder what she has planned for you? Hmm, maybe some harmless pranks. Or maybe she’s just going to kick your ass.” “Haha.” Lux deadpans. “ No, it was really weird. She came up to me and said ‘Hey Lux. Oh no, you look nervous. Don’t be. I’m not a sea witch. I won’t bite. Just wanted to say no hard feelings. We all get what we deserve.’ Then she smiled a weird fucking smile and walked away. Like what the hell was that.” Mal pales. “Wait. She said what?” “That no hard feeling-” “No. No. The sea thing.” “Oh. Yeah. I’m not a sea witch. I won’t bite.” Lux says confused. “Sea witches bite? What?” She laughs. “oh no no no no no.” Mal just says over and over. Carlos chimes in. “It can’t be. Right?” “It’s possible. We don’t exactly know where she went.” Evie counters. “Hey can somebody tell me what’s going on?” Jay looks at Lux. “Old enemies Luxie. ” “But how?? How does she know about her?!” Mal growls. “Who??” Lux yells. “Uma!” The VKs say in unison. They go on to tell Lux about the incident in high school with the wand and how Uma tricked Ben into bringing her to Auradon. The fight between her and Mal ended with Uma swimming away back to the Isle. No one ever heard from her again. “I mean it’s possible she’s a pen pal on the Isle.” Carlos offers an explanation. “A what?” The rest say at the same time. Rolling his eyes, he goes on to say, “the pen pal initiative that Ben started.” He pauses hoping they’d catch on. When the don’t answer he continues. “Where we would write to the college kids on the isle. Like we were fucking 10 or something.” The collective “oh’s” rolled around. “Yeahhhhh. Mal how did you not know?” Carlos asks. Everyone looks at her for an answer. She stutters, “I mean. I- He- There’s so many decrees he makes- okay. Sometimes I don’t listen to his do-gooder ideas.” They gasp. “they’re boring.” “Yeah. You’re right there. Okay. I understand.” They all say. “But stop. How do we even know that’s it? Claudia never mentioned to me she was going participating in that. Maybe that’s not what she meant. Maybe we’re overreacting.” Jay offers. Evie says, “yeah. Maybe we are. But there’s only one way to find out. Of course, other than waiting for Uma to show up and wreak havoc upon us all.” She looks around. At the same time Mal, Lux, Carlos and Evie say, “secret spy mission.”
At the same time Jay says, “steal her phone.” They look at him quizzically. He looks embarrassed that he was completely on the wrong page. Playing with the thought and say, “yeah actually that might work. Yeah lets try that.” Jay smiles. _________________________ Cut to later that evening. “So how are we getting her phone?” Carlos asks peaking behind a corner with Jay. “Lonnie’s going to distract her. I’m going to sneak by and get it. We go through it see if there’s any information, then we’ll put it back.” Carlos nods his head. “Okay, so how are we putting it back?” “Uh, I haven’t figured that out yet.” “Always ten steps ahead here Jay.” Carlos says sarcastically.

[moviegroovies]

just realized i never wrote that interview with the vampire post i promised y’all, so here we go

first of all! i love it. just want to get that out there. like, 10/10 stars, would watch again, have watched again, almost twice, kind of planned to watch for a sort of fourth time tonight, might not. idk. it’s great!! it’s great both as a movie (i watched the movie first like a blasphemer) and as an adaptation of the book. actually, it’s a GREAT movie adaptation of that book, probably one of the best jobs i’ve ever seen of adapting a book into a screenplay and then getting it on film. as i said, i read the book after i watched the movie, and pretty much everything was adapted directly, even significant amounts of dialogue, to the point that it felt sort of like a novelization, if novelizations were perfect.

this is what i WISH novelizations were, actually. like, using it as an example isn’t fair because it was written before the movie, but as the kind of loser who has read novelizations (i payed. like 40 dollars for a ghostbusters one. and then like 2 bucks for a Different ghostbusters one which i haven’t read yet but don’t have high hopes for), this was what i always want them to be like. same plot, lots of the same dialogue (i HATE novelizations that try to make it their own by changing the dialogue slightly. i was reading that ghostbusters one and i don’t even think i had watched ghostbusters recently but i know the lines well enough that it threw me the fuck off when the author changed them. like if someone came into your house and moved all your furniture slightly to the left? that was what it felt like), but a few things that didn’t happen in the movie, too. deeper characterization, the kind of worldbuilding/character building you can’t really do in a limited time frame on screen. getting into the charater’s thoughts. using nuance. novelizations could totally be this! or at least i wish they were! basically what i’m saying is stay tuned for my unlicensed nuclear accelerator novelization of ghostbusters going up on this blog coming soon. 

anyway, a thing i liked about it as an adaptation of the book was that it was always true to what anne wrote (and i think she did at least part of the script, although i heard the director did heavy edits on it), but there were some lines that weren’t in the book that improved the scenes imo! like the little exchange in the theater of vampires where louis is commenting on the vampires pretending to be humans pretending to be vampires, and claudia responds “how avant garde.” it serves both to clear up what’s going on (since we don’t have the benefit of louis’ narration at this point in the movie) and to humanize them a little. most of the added dialogue did that, and that’s something i really like--especially that line as louis watches new orleans burn and thinks that lestat deserves his revenge. Loved that. and him getting to see the sunrise again through film? oof!!!! honestly i liked the ending of the movie more than i did the book, which makes me feel blasphemous. it seems like louis is just doing... better in the movie. i don’t want to give too many spoilers or anything, but in the book he ends up completely detached, and never gets that gay power moment of telling armand he’s not going to give up his pain and then leaving him, so What’s The Point. on a more positive note, another thing i liked was the “you used to eat rats?” exchange. that was a much needed cute family moment.

oh! and they put some stuff from the vampire lestat into this movie, too, which, again, i liked, or at least, i like now that i know that’s what was happening. lestat being able to read minds and louis not being able to. lestat only wanting to drink the blood of evil doers. a lot of the added stuff helped make lestat more sympathetic, which was a definite necessity. actually, tom cruise acted the hell out of that role, which was surprising. not really that he could act (i’ve seen things i liked him in) but that he could be lestat, a flamboyant vampire prettyboy. wasn’t tom cruise the one who punched someone for implying he was gay? idk. 

actually, i was really surprised how gay this movie was for a movie starring tom cruise and brad fucking pitt. like, tell me before i watched it that those two were the stars and i would have been expecting (i was kind of expecting) the most no-homo rendition of the movie possible. and yeah, they toned it down a little from the book... but not that much. louis’ narration is a lot less overtly homo than lestat’s anyway, and brad pitt really fucking Nailed being louis. 

(which i find hilarious, because while tom cruise apparently got really into the vampire chronicles while they were filming this and had all these opinions in like movie promoting interviews about how lestat was actually a good dude, and loved louis (smthn along those lines i skimmed the shit about this), which really came through in his characterization of lestat, brad read like, one chapter of the book and lost interest. i loved the book, myself, but what a fucking icon.) 

that almost-kiss with armand at the end? also iconic. 

really, the only sexual stuff they actually tuned down was the louis/claudia shit, which i’m all fucking for. like, claudia is a grown woman, but it’s still so awk in the book whenever she’s coming onto louis, especially considering how often he reaffirms that she’s his daughter. even worse when he comments on her sensuality, or when she kisses him.... ick. plus, kirsten WASN’T a grown woman, so that would have been really nasty if they kept it.

oh and christian slater!!! i didn’t know he was in this until i started watching it, and i was very excited to see him. that’s my heathers love talking. i was talking to my dad after i saw it and apparently river phoenix was supposed to play daniel before he died, and my dad thought he would have been a lot better for the role i guess, but personally i think slater really picked up the part. he also didn’t shy away from being a little homoerotic, especially toward the end. he got the part right. plus, heathers. 

and i can’t gush about the actors without talking about kirsten dunst. she was 11 when she was in this (apparently her parents wouldn’t let her actually watch the movie when it came out, which, ha), but she absolutely conquered the part of the 60 year old woman in a child’s body. there were times when i actually forgot that she was just an eleven year old, because she was that good. the scene with the body in her bed isn’t in the book (not quite, although something else happens with claudia and leaving bodies around), and it’s one of the best in the movie imo. you can see lestat doting on her but not understanding her, you can tell why she would resent him, you can see her resentment and before she even snaps at him you can see that she’s an adult woman stuck inside a child (like that villain from batman the animated series--did anyone else think of that?), pissed off that she wants to be treated like the grown person she is but continues to be given dolls. also, there was some peak murder family moments in that scene, with louis standing there lowkey horrified. we never got the exchange with claudia telling louis that she’s going to kill lestat and him telling her Do Not Do This Thing, unfortunately, which was something i liked more from the book, but his concern and confusion in this scene kind of speak to that. you can especially tell that he still hasn’t realized that she’s grown--he’s seeing her the same way lestat is. aww.

so, i read the book and watched the movie in pretty quick succession, and i’m writing this a day after finishing the book and a few hours after my kind-of rewatch and about a week after the last time i saw it all the way through. my memory of both being pretty strong rn, there are only a very few things that i can think of which changed from book to movie outside of things necessary to take it to the screen and keep the movie from being like twelve hours. claudia is necessarily aged up from 5 to 11--it’s just practical, a 5 year old would not nearly have had the range that kirsten did for this. armand is changed from looking like a 17 year old redhead to antonio banderas (is it bad that i’m so uncultured that before this i only knew him as the dad from spy kids?), age 34, in a Really Bad black wig. (in general i’m all for banderas in the role, and he definitely acted it well, but what the FUCK was that costuming. why does his hair look like that. i digress but they did him dirty, especially considering how much Better everyone else looks as a vampire.) the subplot with lestat’s blind father living with him and louis at first is cut, which is kind of a shame imo. i really liked how on edge lestat was when begging louis to kill him (not as bad in context), how it kind of breaks the mask lestat tries to wear and shows that he’s confused and vulnerable and he really just doesn’t know much about being a vampire--that “and why should i know!” outbreak they put in did a good job of being the movie’s counterpart to that scene, however. the ending is changed a bit, altho i’ll leave the spoilers of how exactly up to your imagination. some things should stay sacred, right?

one thing i’m REALLY glad they added was louis freeing the slaves on his plantation.  i think it was a nasty choice on behalf of anne rice to write her sympathetic, thoughtful protagonist as a slave owner in the first place, especially one who by his own admission didn’t see slaves as people for a long time, and it’s unfortunate to me that it had to be adapted in that way (although i don’t think ignoring that aspect entirely would have been a better movie solution), but the slaves were at least made free men before louis moved to new orleans. in the book, louis still burns the house, but he doesn’t free the people enslaved there, and he never reflects on that. fucked up if true, i guess. i blame mostly anne for that whole thing.

ooo, that scene with lestat killing the two prostitutes was good. it’s pretty much adapted word for word from the book, but the book doesn’t have the visual of tom cruise leaping over the coffin to sit on it while she’s in it, and that was one of the sexiest scenes i can remember. so.

just remembered at the last moment that i liked the “i’m going to give you the choice i never had” thing, both because it gives a little hint of lestat background (and makes him more sympathetic/adds to the whole breaking the mask thing that i like) and because they did a Very fucking good callback with it at the end.

there’s probably more about that movie that i have Opinions on, but when i remember them i’ll just have to make another post, ig. i will say tho? that last scene they added is so FUCKING good. cue up sympathy for the devil on my way out, will you?

[halkapinar]

Chapter 3:  Karşiyaka

I slowly unlocked the door and stepped in. I put the keys on the small desk and made my way to the kitchen, trying not to make noise. It’s almost 10 in the morning so I assumed everyone is still sleeping. That’s why I jumped back in surprise when I stepped in the kitchen and was greeted by a human ghost standing in front of the open fridge. “Shit! You scared me!” I whisper-shouted, trying to steady my breaths. “I thought everyone was asleep!” “Where is the food in this house?” She asked closing the fridge and turning to face me. “Right here!”  I made a gesture with both my hands filled with grocery bags. “Did you get out early in the morning to go grocery shopping?” She was giving me heart eyes! “Girl!” she exclaimed and we finished together “you’re so extra!” and we both laughed. “I thought there was leftovers in the fridge” she mumbled reaching for the fresh bomba I brought. “There was, but Ghita and Ali arrived late last night and they were starving” I explained emptying the shoppers. “Oh! I missed that!” “Yes you did, you fell asleep like a baby you didn’t care about the noises around you.” “And where are they now? Asleep?” She asked already done with the first bomba. “Yeah, in the second room. And Bruno is sleeping on the couch.” “There’s no one sleeping on the couch. Where did he go?” “Oh, he said he’d go out for a morning walk if got up early” I remembered. “Stop eating that and let’s make a decent breakfast so we could sit down and discuss our plans for the day, like the old days.” “Oh, we’re meet Azabeel and Serena today right?” Haya asked getting out the eggs. “Tonight. Their flight landed around 4 in the morning which means they’ll spend the day sleeping. I wish they crashed over though, I am not very happy with them renting an Airbnb.” “You know Serena insisted she wanted to stay in Karşiyaka. And it’s okay.. we are a full house already. Where will Claudia stay when she comes over?” She asked me while whisking the eggs absentmindedly. I took a moment to take it all in, me and Haya moving around the kitchen, in a beautiful Izmir morning, making our breakfast and chatting.. “Girl! You okay? You need something?” she asked when she realized I took too long to answer. “I’m good. Couldn’t be better. I just, kinda ..” I gestured vaguely with my hand. “I know, I missed you too.” She smiled and looked down at her eggs. She didn’t see it coming when I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her gently.

“I can’t believe more people are coming! I am so excited!” Haya said once we sat at the coffee table across from each other, in the living room. The house was quiet but from the soft music coming out of her phone. Bruno was still outside. “I know!!! I can’t believe I am gonna see Serena tonight!” I added. “I feel like there was something missing from last time.” “What do you mean?” she asked spreading chocolate on her toast. “I mean, 3 years ago, when we were all here, when I met her for the first time.. I feel like I didn’t get to spend enough time with her you know? Like I met her late, like I didn’t have enough of her.” I explained. “True. You didn’t hang out together much until the very few last weeks. But what you two had and still have after all these years is strong”

What I have with Serena is very personal. Correction, what I have for Serena with myself is very personal I don’t think I’ve ever been vocal about it and this is kinda the first time she’ll know about it. In life, every person we meet has a purpose, a role, a task to accomplish in our own life, whether they are aware of it or not. Most of the times, they have no idea what they are doing to us and how their spontaneous presence is affecting our personality or our situation. That’s the way it is with Serena. She gracefully walked into my life with a great purpose that she wasn’t even aware of. And this is my moment to show recognition and gratitude to her for everything she gave to me. As a matter of fact, it’s kinda like what I said about Bruno, he has all answers. Serena had all the proofs, all the confirmations I needed, she had the validation, of me, of who I am. And that, finding someone who can validate you without asking, so spontaneously, so naturally, just by being real, just by being.. is priceless! She, is priceless.  Until I met her, I’ve never met an African girl in real life up close. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am African but where I come from, if you say that they look at you like you’ve grown two heads! Where I come from, they recognize Africa as a continent that we belong to only when it comes to sports competitions. And maybe that is why, for the first few times I saw her, I just stood back and stared at her, like she was a celebrity. I stalked her like the diva she was, I didn’t dare make a move. I couldn’t even bring my courage to walk to her and say hi. How can I? She looked like she just walked out of my tumblr dash. A gorgeous glorious African queen.

But I am serious on the stalking though. The first time I saw her, like really saw her, was on the opening ceremony, when they got us all in a meeting in Ugur Mumcu and made us sit through a stupid conference. We had group games and activities. I remember one activity about strengths and weaknesses of each group. I was working with the Tunisian girls. Ugh. Serena was on the other side of the room, and she was working with Azabeel, that I am sure of, and probably Claudia and Lola. I obviously did know of her existence before becaue Haya used to hang out with her and the others very often while I stuck to the Arabic speaking gang. However, I had yet to meet her. She stood on stage pretty annoyed, with her hair braided to the side and I remember her saying “We have Azabeel in our group, and Azabeel doesn’t have weaknesses, so our group doesn’t have weaknesses”. I remember I snorted at that. I also remember that I didn’t take my eyes off of her for the rest of the conference. I wasn’t kidding about the stalking. And I was missing a lot. The thing is, we hung out with two different groups of people until like 2 weeks in, we worked at two different camps and we lived in two different places in Izmir. So, the chances of our paths to cross were very low at first. But then came Mount Ida, the camping that changed everything.

On the way to the camp, I got in the boring bus, and once we got there I was busy spending time here and there between the Arabic speaking gang, my Tunisian friend that came to the camping with me, following Haya around and trying to bond with Bruno. That being said, I didn’t get to have a proper chat with her until late in the evening. It wasn’t even planned, we were chilling on the hammocks, just a group of girls and she was one of them and then they left and it was just us and probably my Tunisian friend. I forgot who else was there to be honest because that’s the effect she’d have on you, you wouldn’t care about anything else that is not her or the way she talks or the way she smiles or the way she fixes her hair behind her ear when she’s saying something important. The first thing you’d notice about Serena is that she’s hair goals! Ummm, no, the first thing would be that she’s body goals! Or maybe skin goals? She simply is goals! All the goals! The second thing you’ve notice is when you start talking to her, how calm and collected she is. Such an assertive beautiful young woman. She doesn’t talk shit, she is not full of herself and she speaks straight wisdom in such an effortless way! She has this gift where she could speak for hours and you’d never get bored, you’d never want her to stop. She steals your attention and your heart with her ‘wallahiii’ and her ‘deadass’. Serena is love. Serena is Serenity. Just being in her vicinity makes you feel blessed. I don’t think I have a top certain number of favorite moments with her, I don’t think I can pinpoint how things developed between us or how we got close. One day we were strangers and the next day we were long lost sisters who ran into each other by fate on the other side of the world! It’s funny how this could have totally been true! This could have been our reality and they could have made a movie out of it. I could write a book inspired from this. Two sisters, because of war and famine, got separated at the borders when they were very little and life made it so that they meet 20 years later in Turkey. They have no idea who they are but they should each be wearing a complementary necklace or something. Beautiful. Just like her.

We were hiking, the second day of camp when we started to sing along to a Beyoncé song. It was just the two of us singing among the group, and that feeling at the end when we pulled the whole song flawlessly, that high five and that secret smile! We were sealed. Sigacik though. What started in Mount Ida, flourished in Sigacik, bloomed in Sirince, blossomed in Alsancak, and thrived in Karşiyaka. We were together on the second weekend-getaway. We had grown closer over that week since I started hanging out with the real cool people. We would meet after work and we’d hang out at aiesec hill in Alsancak Kordon. Every day, I get more mesmerized by the greatness that she is. Until the second weekend rolled in and Haya and I, organized a private getaway with the VIP only. On the way to the small village out of Izmir, she sat next to me in the minibus and slept the whole way. Ali was sleeping beside her and they were falling on each other the whole time it was funny to watch. I know, because I rarely took my eyes off of her. I used to stare at every little thing, trying to memorize every detail of her face, her hair, her hands. She was just painting level beautiful! Once we got to our destination, we swam together, chilled together and it was fun. That night, we were playing games, sitting on the beach under the moonlight, happily drunk and carefree. We were playing never have I ever which turned into truth or dare and Bruno was asked to name the hottest girl in camp or something like that and he said her name and I was like same tbh! I will forever hold in my heart the memory of the sunset in Sigacik, us walking towards the city, enjoying the view and listening to Zina, me, her and her Algerian best friend. She was more beautiful than that sunset.

She was younger than me but, like a school girl with a secret crush, I was always looking for her approval. And even though, the moments where it was just me and her can be counted with a single hand, just being in her presence made me feel special. We did hang out just the two of us for a bit in Sirince, the wine village. That day was very beautiful though sad. It was the day we saw Claudia to the airport. Then, we randomly decided to take the train to the wine village which wasn’t far away. It was the best decision. I took tons of pictures of her, pausing like the model she is. A carpet seller was swooned by her beauty and asked for a picture with her, we got two matching free bracelets out of that picture! The second time it was just the two of us, was when everyone left for Antalya or Istanbul but we stayed behind. We hung out at Alsancak, it was such a perfect evening for heart to hearts and deep conversations. It was one of the rare moments I felt like I’m her older sister when I’m around her. And I felt very privileged.

But the day I felt really proud of myself is the day I helped her move out of her house in Karşiyaka. I think it was the next day, right after that Sunday. Everyone was just coming back from their getaways and Haya supposedly missed her bus, she was still in Istanbul. Serena had to leave her house, and nobody was there to help her move out, from the organization. Technically, nobody cared. I remember that morning, I woke up with full excitement on! “I am gonna do something nice for her today” is what I kept telling myself. I took the bus to Konak and then the ferry to Karşiyaka. I was never happier taking that ferry. It was a whole different sensation to see that side of Izmir in the morning light. I remember buying a piece of simmit and trying to take a good snap of it with the landscapes of Konak and Alsancak spread behind me. Karşiyaka was lovely. I had already been there once before but never made it past the stores. She guided me with the phone until I reached her house and if we took advantage of everything that was in the fridge, no one has to know. We dragged the suitcases across Izmir and then we went back to Buca and then ran to Bornova while narrating our life stories on the road. She understood. She always did. She still does. It is a true blessing when you find someone in life, whom you don’t have to talk to on a daily basis, and you don’t have to explain yourself. Someone whom you don’t need to give them an hour length of an introduction to say what’s on your mind. They could take one look at you and they’d say “I know. I gotchu.” And she’s got me. She’s gotten me all along, even before she knew it, even before she knew me. In fact, the concept of BlackGirlsEmpowerment advocates that young black girls should be exposed to black excellence as much as possible, they should witness and see how other black girls make it big in life for it will boost their self-esteem and give them a reason to believe they could be something in this life as well, they could make something out of their lives. They could succeed and they could make their dreams come true. What happened to me was a similar experience. Except that she didn’t show me that I can be whatever I want in the future, she showed me that I can be who I really am, that I can be myself and most importantly, that I am who I think and feel that I am. She gave me the safe space to be who I really am, and that is priceless, just like her. And I know I shouldn’t be relating her to her color of skin only, I am not. She is much much much more than her race or ethnicity. She is a smart strong independent boss ass woman. But I owe it to her to highlight that feature of her because it deserves so much appreciation. And for the effect that side of her had on me and who I am as a person. I could swear that journey wouldn’t have been or meant the same for me if I hadn’t met her. That is why, since that summer I’ve considered her a gift from God. And I will always be grateful for and to her. That summer, three years ago, we said our last goodbyes in front of La Puerta, with hugs and choked tears, we left pieces of our hearts with each other. And tonight, in the same spot, in front of La Puerta, seeing her walking towards us with her gorgeous hair and her beautiful smile, she’s laughing at whatever Azabeel is saying, their hands filled with shoppers that I can swear are all Azabeel’s stuff. She lifted her head and our eyes met, and in that moment, my heart felt like a whole again.

[lqb2writes]

what’s the proper scale for an economy?: how a small babysitting co-op created a model for local economies

the other day i checked my friend nene's blog and saw that she had shared this audio interview piece: http://geo.coop/story/poker-chips-and-friendships-babysitting-co-op

i listened to it and was starstruck. i entered grad school with a huge level of excitement about "the new(/sharing/collaborative/solidarity) economy" and have since beent turned off from it as it is increasingly captured by "the old economy" (see jason spicer's piece on why the sharing economy isn't really sharing). this piece reminded me of why i was interested in the alternative economy in the first place.

quick summary in case you don't listen to the piece: a small group (12-15 i think?) of families created and ran a babysitting co-op that used poker chips as currency. when you needed babysitting, you gave chips and when you babysat you earned chips. there were were 15, 30, and 60 minute chips.

now, first of all, this lines up critically with a scale of a project that makes sense. wendell berry talks a lot about the proper scale of community. communities that are too large simply don't function the same, largely because people become unknown to each other. it's much easier to have a functioning economy when you know the people you're connected to in the system. one of the problems with capitalism is that in its search for profits, it seeks increased scale. this means that it's impossible to know everyone to whom you're economically connected. since all of our economic decisions impact each other, it's important to be able to see those impacts. economic systems that are too large make it easy to miss the human consequences of our decisions.

i could go on, but the point i wanted to land on were the following two insights. these are snippets from the transcribed audio:

Josh (interviewer): What you said just there was pretty interesting about how this [...] functioned not only as a system for making sure people had adequate babysitting when they needed it, but maybe also to make sure that couples were getting out and having enough time for themselves that maybe they wouldn’t have been forced to do if they weren’t part of the co-op. Claudia (interviewee): That’s true. That’s right. And I think they forget that they need to do that. You know, you’d find ways to do things without spending money, but just getting away and having some time as a couple together was important. And you forget that sometimes in your busy life. So yeah, it was a way to say, “Hey! you guys need to go, we’ll take your kids. I need chips, you got chips.” Yeah, that happened"when some people had too many chips we made them go out more so we could babysit their kids and get their chips. it ended up creating a system of checks and balances against hoarding. this probably helped some people's relationships.

Josh: So when you took care of somebody else’s kids for an hour they would give you the relevant amount of poker chips for that, and then you could use those poker chips to spend to get babysitting for your own kids? Claudia: That’s right. And the nicest thing about it was you know if you just did it amongst friends with no poker chips or you just, say, had one friend or something, you always felt obligated to that one person, where this way you only felt obligated to the group. So you didn’t have to feel like just because you babysat for Joe and Sue’s kid that they had to babysit back for you. That wasn’t the way it worked. You could call anybody. And you might have kids that you especially liked to take care of, and then you might have a couple that you preferred to take care of your kids. And it didn’t matter, nobody’s feelings were hurt. All you did was, you know, you were working with the group.

how fucking cool is that? this is the scale of economy i'm interested in. these types of things are what we need more imagination around and examples of. gotta get on that.

writing: 9:01 ​spell-check, link-finding, & formatting: 12:57