#I cannot find out who’s arm that is. Either it’s zach and he just has a really long arm or his arm is under ross or something idk

[vexillologyisenjoyable]

Does my analysis seem correct to y’all? Their arms were confusing me so I tried to color code them but now I’m even more confused

[chilling-seavey]

Heartbreak Hotel (d.s.) - Chapter Twenty-Two

A/N The song for this chapter is Don’t by Elvis but Stay by Why Don’t We also hit different for this chapter

Daniel didn’t see Loretta for three days. She didn’t show up to the diner and never came past the car shop either. Corbyn still showed up for work but Daniel would be damned it he asked Corbyn about her whereabouts; especially when Corbyn would glare daggers at him every time they so much as looked in each others general direction. Daniel tried to ask Christian if Corbyn had said anything to him but apparently all Corbyn had said was that Loretta was ‘busy’.

That only made Daniel more anxious. Should he call her to check in? Drop by her house even? He didn’t know what he should do or what was considered crossing a line or what was not doing enough.

He just didn’t know where they stood.

After work on the fourth day after the concert with radio silence on Loretta’s end, Daniel decided to head down to the beach. He had gotten off early and expected Zach and Jack to be there too, hopefully to take his mind of everything he was stewing over. Sure enough, his friends were in their usual spot on the sand, just coming in from a surf and both soaked in sea water. Daniel was still in his work uniform with his bag over one shoulder housing his swimsuit.

“Hey.” Jack called out breathlessly, holding his hand out to share a secret handshake with his best friend and Zach did the same.

“Hey. How’s the water?” Daniel asked, dropping his dry surfboard on the sand next to their things.

“Pretty good today. You coming out?” Jack asked, pushing his wet hair back from his face.

“Yeah. I’m just going to change and I’ll be back.”

Zach called after him as he walked away, “Hurry! It’s almost sundown!”

Daniel shifted into a bit of a jog across the sand towards the beach washrooms, his backpack still slung over one shoulder and he pulled it around his side to reach into it and fish around for his swimsuit as he turned the corner towards the men’s room.

It was straight out of some cheesy movie; literally running right into Loretta as he turned the corner around the side of the washroom building and they both gasped in surprise before even processing who was standing in front of them.

“Lori.” Daniel breathed, as if he was completely in disbelief.

Loretta opened her mouth to say something but she shut it and simply offered him a tight smile. She was wearing a yellow polka dot bathing suit with a white towel draped over her shoulder and her brown hair was still curled just as perfectly over her shoulders.

“I-I’ve been wondering where you’ve been.” Daniel said gently, keeping his eyes on her while she stared at the boardwalk below their bare feet. “You haven’t been into the diner recently or the shop. Where have you been?”

Loretta nearly winced at his words and she looked out over the beach.

“Lori.” Daniel said softly, trying to reach for her but she stepped back from him, raising her hands away.

“I’m sorry. I can’t.” she mumbled and started to walk past him.

“Hey, hey.” Daniel side stepped her to cut her off. “Talk to me. We left things a little heavy and we should figure that out.”

Loretta kept her head down; not even daring to look at him.

“Loretta.” Daniel said seriously. “What’s going on?”

She scoffed lightly as if what she was about to say didn’t matter much, “Corbyn doesn’t want me to be around you anymore.”

Daniel’s heart sank but his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “But that’s…that’s ridiculous. Did you tell him about-”

“No.” Loretta cut him off. “I’m not going to.”

“Wha-” Daniel stepped in front of her when she tried to walk around him again. “That’s not…that’s not fair.”

“I can’t talk to you, Daniel, and we can’t see each other anymore. Please don’t make this difficult.” Loretta mumbled.

“Bullshit.” Daniel snapped, the seriousness in his voice taking her – and even himself – by surprise.

She took a strong inhale and looked him in the eyes, “Corbyn is my boyfriend and I love him and that’s how it’s going to be. If he doesn’t want me to see you, then I need to respect that.”

“He can’t tell you what to do.”

“Yes, he can.” Loretta said softly.

She tried to step past him, but he cut her off again.

“Daniel.” she huffed.

“Break up with him.” Daniel said sternly.

“You have no right to tell me what I can or cannot do.” Loretta snapped, glaring angrily at him.

“But he does?” Daniel argued.

“He is my boyfriend.”

“And I am your soulmate!”

Loretta bowed her head through a small scoff and crossed her arms over her chest. She still wore his ring on the chain around her neck and it rose and fell with her heavy breathing, glinting in the bright sunlight. Daniel was starting to panic and his work uniform started to feel suffocating and not just because the later afternoon sun was beating down on them. He tugged at the collar for a moment before pushing his hand through his hair anxiously. Daniel bit his lip, waiting for her to change her mind. They were both silent for a few too many seconds.

“Lori-”

He was cut off by her friends calling her from farther down the beach, “Loretta! Come on, girl!”

She glanced over at them and then back at Daniel, “Just…stay away from me, please.”

He couldn’t get another word out before she was rushing off over the sand towards her friends and out of sight. Daniel didn’t even move for a moment, truly feeling like she had just jammed a dagger into his chest and twisted the blade. He stumbled back on the boardwalk a step and his bottom lip trembled, his head bowing as he scrunched his eyes closed and tried to take a stable inhale to compose himself.

Daniel stumbled his way back over the sand to his friends, a disbelieving haze on his mind; so much so that he didn’t even process Jack and Zach asking if he was okay. He simply gathered his board and his bag and tossed them a haphazard apology and a goodbye before heading back towards his car.

After four days of nearly love-drunk bliss from their amazing night out, Daniel felt like he had hit a brick wall. He drove home in perfect silence, not even turning on the radio. His feet carried him up the front steps of his house and inside and he kicked his sandy shoes off at the front door.

“Daniel! Look who’s here!” his mother called from the living room.

Daniel trudged down the hallway to find his eldest brother and his girlfriend sitting on the couch with the rest of the family around them. He could barely manage a half smile in greeting.

“Tyler finally proposed!” Anna gushed, grabbing Wendy’s wrist to show off her new ring to the youngest brother. Daniel’s jaw clenched.

“Come join us, son.” his father said.

“I don’t feel well so I think I’m going to turn in early.” Daniel mumbled. “Sorry.”

He didn’t wait for their replies before he was turning out of the living room and heading upstairs, unbuttoning his coveralls as he went. Daniel closed his bedroom door behind him and dropped his bag beside his desk before sitting on the side of his bed with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. His heart literally ached in his chest to the point where it felt like he was going to be sick and the flavour of strawberry milkshakes that surfaced on his tongue only pushed him over the edge to let out a small sob into his hands.

He had his dream in the palm of his hand and he just couldn’t stop her from slipping right through his fingers.

His entire family was downstairs, but Daniel cried all alone in his room, his coveralls only unbuttoned to his waist to leave him in his white undershirt with the grey fabric pooled around his stomach. His fingers slid into the front of his hair and he tugged at the gelled back strands to try and distract the pain in his heart somewhere else.

The knock at his bedroom door startled him and he took in a loud shaky gasp in surprise. He wiped his cheeks and his eyes before answering with a strong, “Yeah.”

Both his older brothers stood in the doorway to his bedroom, staring at him with mirrored concerned expressions. They didn’t even have to say anything before Daniel’s bottom lip was trembling and his face scrunched up in pain and he burst into tears again. Christian came inside first and Tyler closed the door behind them and the older brothers sat on either side of their youngest brother and put their arms around his back.

Daniel curled right against Christian’s shoulder and cried into his shirt unashamedly; always the most sensitive of the three of them.

“What’s going on, Dani boy?” Tyler asked, rubbing his hand over Daniel’s back.

“I found her but…but she doesn’t want me.” Daniel sobbed.

“You found your soulmate?” Tyler gaped.

Daniel nodded, clinging on tighter to Christian. It was as if his heartbroken little brother melted the slight edge that Christian had built up over the previous year and he welcomed him into his arms gladly, more than happy to be his comfort once again.

“Who is she?” Christian asked softly.

“Loretta!” Daniel cried. “She t-told me and…but…but she doesn’t want me!”

“How can she not want you?” Tyler frowned.

Christian sighed deeply, “Because she already has a boyfriend.”

“He’s not even her soulmate! What am I supposed to do?” Daniel asked loudly, sitting up to look between his brothers. “I’m gonna be all alone my whole life knowing that she’s out there and not wanting to be anywhere near me!”

“She’ll come around.” Tyler assured him lightly. “You’re the perfect catch for any lucky bird and she’ll have to see it…if the universe doesn’t force her to.”

Daniel stuck his fingers in his mouth through his wracking sobs, trying to somehow scratch the taste of strawberry milkshakes off his tongue.

“Stop that; you’re gonna hurt yourself.” Tyler whispered, pulling his hand back.

“I don’t want to be like this anymore!” Daniel cried.

“Okay…okay. Hang tight.” Christian got up from the side of the bed to rush into the bathroom across the hall and poured a glass of water before returning and holding it out to Daniel. “Drink.”

Daniel, with shaking hands, took the glass and sipped the lukewarm water from it to try and wash down the waves of strawberry milkshake flavour that grazed his tongue, supported and cradled by his big brothers’ arms around his back. 

Christian sighed softly and pet Daniel’s hair back from his face and pulled him close again so his head was tucked under his chin. Christian and Tyler glanced at each other over their little brother’s head and exchanged flat glances. Daniel had been dreaming about finding his soulmate for years – his whole life nearly – and they knew it well; if only they could fix all his problems to give him that happiness he so craved and so deserved. 

[goalcaufield]

rival - r. donovan

word count: about 1200 summary: you’re dating ryder donovan, who goes to duluth east, while you go to denfeld high school, a known minnesota high school rivalry. your relationship is secret, which can be pretty tough on game days. warning: sooo the first half of this i wrote about two months ago. the second half i just wrote, so it’s pretty bad because i’m still getting into the swing of things! 

Walking through the Heritage Sports Center you carefully peer around one of the corners before darting down the hallway. If anyone were to catch you even anywhere near Duluth East’s locker room you’d be dead, but the fact that you’re supposed to be meeting Ryder right outside it? Yeah, you’d be shot dead on the spot if anyone from Denfeld saw you. So you keep your head down low in case anyone were to spot you and figure you out. When your phone rings in your hand you almost freeze, but when you look down at it you’re relieved to see it’s only Ryder.

ryder<3: are you here yet? 

right down the hall. be there in 30 seconds

Right as you slip your phone back into the pocket of your sweatshirt is when you feel a hand grab your arm, yanking you into a dark closet. “Who the—” You begin, but you’re cut off when a pair of lips meet yours. Right away you know that it’s Ryder, and instantly do you melt into his touch.

Ryder pulls away from you slowly leaving you smiling. His hand runs along the wall to find the light switch, and when he flicks it on you’re met with his smiling face. “I’ve missed you,” He whispers, careful to keep his voice low so as not to risk any of his teammates walking by hearing.

“Ry, it’s only been three days,” You wrap your arms around his neck, eyes flickering down to his lips. “And, you know I always come up with some excuse to see you.”

“Three days is a lot for us, you know. We don’t get to see each other like every other couple our age does.” You frown at his words, but he’s right. Ryder notices your change in demeanor and presses a quick kiss to your lips. When he pulls away his eyebrows furrow as he takes in your appearance. “Y’know, not digging the attire tonight, babe.” He tugs on the hem of your Denfeld ice hockey sweatshirt and you roll your eyes before pulling it up, revealing the Duluth East hockey shirt you had stolen from Ryder. “That’s my girl.”

“Couldn’t not rep my boy, could I? Even if it has to be in secret. Speaking of which, this is a new hiding spot.” You eye the sketchy looking supply closet, a strange variety of hockey gear and cleaning supplies all over.

“Okay, well considering last game Charlie almost caught us, I think finding a new spot was a given.” You giggle at the memory — and the embarrassment — from the last game you had met Ryder at. Poor Charlie had just wanted to fill up his water bottle, but he had chosen a horrible time to do so. You and Ryder had been in the middle of a rather heated make out session, but luckily you pulled away fast enough when Ryder heard footsteps. Then, you had to quickly come up with some bullshit story after stumbling over your words. Luckily, Charlie believed it and you two were let off the hook. You weren’t exactly unknown to the East boys though, so it hadn’t been easy.

“A supply closet, though? Man, you really are the romantic type, Donovan,” You tease Ryder, thumbs running across his cheeks before bringing his lips down to yours. Ryder pulls you impossibly closer to him, hands slipping under your sweatshirt and his shirt to rest his cold hands on your bare back.

The door to the supply closet opens, and before either of you can react, Ryder’s best friend does. “What the fuck, Ryder?” Logan bites out, and quickly you and Ryder pull away from one another. You cringe immediately, knowing he recognizes the last name on your sweatshirt as the opposing goalie for the night. Of course, tonight is the night you chose to wear your brother’s hockey sweatshirt.“Didn’t know you were into those girls.” You narrow your eyes into slits at Logan. If it wasn’t for Ryder and him being best friends you would’ve ripped him to shreds right then and there. 

“Logan, you cannot tell any of the boys, got that? I’d never hear the end of it, you know that. You can’t do that to me.” Ryder basically pleads to his best friend who’s eyes are locked on yours. You’re having a glaring contest with each other, and Ryder sighs when he realizes this isn’t going anywhere. “Y/N, I’ll see you after the game, alright?”

You huff, and before you can escape the tension building room Ryder kisses your cheek. Logan dodges you as you walk out as if you have some sort of disease, and while you make your way towards the rink you can hear Ryder and Logan bickering while they walk to the locker room. When you make your way into the rink your friends are already at your usual seats repping their Denfeld gear. You take a seat next to Audrey, who smirks at you. 

“Where were you at, seeing your secret boyfriend?” Your eyes go wide and she begins to laugh. “Just messing. I know you wouldn’t do that.” 

“I was just talking to Shawn. Pregame thing, you know?” You say trying to cover up the very obvious lie, but you’re saved when the boys all begin to skate out to begin their warm ups. In this situation you never know who to watch: your brother or your boyfriend of five months. Five months of complete sneaking around, and honestly, it was starting to get old. You just wished you could scream it to the roof tops that Ryder Donovan is your boyfriend, but you wouldn’t be able to do that without the criticism of your brother and his friends and not to mention all of Ryder’s teammates. It was a lose-lose situation.

Before you know it the game is underway, and like normal when Denfeld played East the game was rocky right off the bat. Penalties weren’t being called, causing the boys to start rough housing, which lead to frustration and pissed off teammates, but if you were being honest seeing Ryder and Zach going at each other was pretty hot. You just had to keep quiet about it so Audrey wouldn’t be able to tell.

By the end of the third period, the score is tied at 2 a piece leaving for a nail-biting worthy overtime period. When Ryder gets a penalty you curse under your breath as your home team suddenly has the man advantage, and when those boys get on the powerplay they rarely ever disappoint.  

This must be one of those rare occurrences. 

You’re practically on the edge of your seat as you watch on the clock on the scoreboard ticking down. As soon as the timer hits zero the door to the penalty box opens up, Charlie passes the puck to him, and Ryder is taking off towards Denfeld’s side of the ice where your brother just happens to be standing in the net. You watch as the puck leaves Ryder’s stick flying right above your brother’s shoulder, the buzzer sounding signalling a Duluth East win, you rising to your feet to cheer along with the students from East.

“Y/N, what are you doing?” Audrey hisses and her eyes are narrowed up at you. “That - That thing just scored on your brother!”

You turn to face her. “I’m dating Ryder Donovan.”

[ficklefics]

Friends Like These - Chapter Twenty-Five: Heart To Heart

Harleen wakes up in the worst place imagineable.

SERIES MASTERLIST

MASTERLIST

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Taglist: @hexqueensupreme​

Chapter Warnings: Child abuse mention, kidnapping, guns, threat to life

Jerome.

The first thought in my mind, before I’ve even escaped the blackness enveloping me. Jerome. Is he here? Is he okay? Stop it. I shouldn’t be thinking about Jerome. I need to worry about myself. I’m cold; freezing, almost. Lying on what I guess is concrete floor. I can hear breathing, heavy breathing. My head is sore but other than that I don’t feel injured. I roll onto my side and force my eyes open. The room is dimly lit. Jerome is sat against the wall, watching me. “Someone got their beauty sleep.” “Fuck off.” I don’t have the will to humour him. Sitting up I copy him, sitting opposite him. “Where are we?” “How should I know?” “You’re awake.” “And?” “Shut up,” I huff, already annoyed. I hold onto my irritation; it’s better than fear. But I am afraid. I have been kidnapped by… someone and am trapped in a locked room with an insane man who is obsessed with me. Not good. “What do we do?” He shrugs. So we wait.

*

*

*

I can’t tell how long it’s been. Jerome hasn’t stopped watching me the whole time, so I haven’t stopped staring at the empty wall. I don’t look at the door. All it does is remind me of how we’re trapped. “We’ll probably die here.” “Don’t joke about that.” “I’m not joking. We’ve been left here, and we’ll probably die here.” “Shut up.” “You know -” “Jerome, can you just shut up!” I snap. He recoils, his grin faltering. I almost feel guilty. Almost. “Look, I am scared. I am fucking terrified. And I cannot deal with you being… you right now!” The outburst drains me and I slump back against the wall. There are tears rising behind my eyes but I refuse to cry – not in front of him. Not again. “Alright.” I’m shocked that he’s agreeing. Usually, Jerome seems to thrive on irritating and infuriating me. But, for once, he’s not in control. Neither of us is. Someone else, some outside force, has brought us here. Maybe… “Aren’t you scared? Or at least vaguely concerned?” “What’s the point?” “You really are completely insane.” “Uh, duh.” I almost laugh. Maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing. “Right, humour me here.” He tilts his head, intrigued. “Distract me. Make jokes, or tell me a story, or… something.” “Why?” He’s confused. Of course, he is. I’m confusing myself. “I’ll freak out otherwise, and then I might kill you.” I’m mostly joking. “Isn’t that what you want?” “Shut up. Just…” I search my mind for something, anything. I find it. “Tell me about Uncle Zach.” “What?” The bravado he usually excludes his gone from his voice. I frown. “You said, when we met in Arkham, that I should remind you to tell me about Uncle Zach. I’m reminding you.” “It’s not cheery.” “Nothing is with you. Or everything is.” “Fine.�� He pats the spot next to him sarcastically; I shake my head, already smiling. “So, when I was a kid, before I realised the world hated me, I had an uncle.” “Zach.” “Smart girl.” “Ha ha.” “Dear old mom’s brother. He was a cook at the circus, and he would bake too. Great at it.” Jerome speaks as though it’s a monologue - or more a soliloquy; it’s as though I’m not even here. “We used to try and steal cookies from him. One time,” He breaks off in a peal of laughter, making me wince, “He caught me. Took my hand and shoved it in a pot of boiling stock. Practically cooked me down to the bone.” The grin never falls. But his eyes show something different. Pain. Anger. Fear. “Took months for the burns to heal. And I never forgot the smell of my own flesh boiling.” That’s it. That’s the story. I don’t laugh. I don’t smile. Silence hovers between us for a moment. The story was… horrific. But it explained a lot about Jerome, about his mind, about what he does. “I’m sorry.” It’s all I can say. “Don’t be. It’s funny.” He chuckles darkly, sardonic and bitter. “Just… it explains a lot. I guess we’re just victims of our circumstances. I got rich kid pampering, you got -” “Don’t start getting sentimental on me now.” Jerome groaned. I let out a weak chuckle and shake my head. A thought appears. “You said, “we”. Did you have friends?” Jerome’s face sharpens into a mask. “Doesn’t matter.” “But -” “I said, it doesn’t matter!” He yells. I jump, startled, afraid of him for the first time since New Years. He doesn’t apologise, but he does smile. “Do I frighten ya’, Harls?” “Not often. Not anymore. Not sure whether that’s a good thing or not.” The last part is more to myself. “I’m gonna go with “not” for you, but great for me.” Whatever feelings had sprung up as he told the story had been hidden away, his grin genuine now. “Still angry at you though.” “Will you ever not be?” “Tell you what,” I lean forward, smirking slightly at him, “I’ll stop being angry with you when this fucking scar fades.” I don’t even need to gesture for him to know what I mean. He turns smug, clearly proud over the mark he left on me. “Not sure which option I prefer.” “Shut up.”

On that, a scraping sound emanated from behind the door that I had been stubbornly ignoring since I woke up. We both leap to our feet. Jerome’s eyes glimmer; he’s got a plan. A man comes into the room and Jerome is on him in a second. I’d forgotten how strong he was, quickly gaining the upper hand in the fight, if it could even be called that. I’m focused on him, too focused, so focused that I don’t notice the other men behind the first. I don’t notice them until two grabbed my arms tight, twisting them behind my back, and another holds a gun to my head. I struggle despite it, only stopping when he cocks it. My breathing is heavy. Jerome hasn’t noticed. “Mr Valeska!” He pauses pummelling the first man's face and looks up, panting. He freezes when he sees me. “If you would, please stand up, and we won’t have to kill Miss Quinzel.” I watch him, terrified to see what he’ll do. Either way, it won’t end well.

He stands. Of course, he stands. “Interesting,” The man murmurs, keeping the weapon directed at me. Jerome looks as though he’s itching to keep fighting, energy pent up, wanting to burst out. But he stands still. Eyes fixed on me. I look right back. I can’t force the glare from my face. It’s easier, better, to focus on my anger than on the realisation dawning that I wish I could dismiss. “Bring them.” Jerome is grabbed, the same as me, and they push us from the room down a corridor. We quickly come to a fork. “Put her with the others. Take him to the Hole.” We both begin to protest, demanding answers, struggling, but are separated and dragged away.

His voice fades as I am marched through a massive open space filled with vats bubbling with something I don’t want to know about. Walkways criss-cross above us. At the other end is a door, which one of the guards unlocks. I am quickly thrown through and, as I fall to the ground, the door is slammed behind me. “Who the hell is this?” A woman’s voice. So I’m not alone. I prop myself up on my hands and knees, wincing. Someone gasps. “No way.” I recognise that voice. Sitting up, I see the very man himself. “Penguin?” He’s stood in front of me, still in his usual suit, but noticeably dishevelled. “What are you doing here?” I stand up, looking around me. I have to restrain myself from gasping. Some of Gotham’s most notorious criminals in one room: Penguin, Victor Zsasz, Jervis Tetch, Jonathan Crane, Barbara Kean. The man I had met at Lee’s hospital as well, who I only now connected to Edward Nygma. My jaw tensed as adrenaline floods my system, my brain flipping behind fight or flight: neither of which were options. “I know you.” I turn to look at Ed. “You’re Harleen Quinzel.” “Well done,” I snark, examining the room. It’s small, a few cots pressed against one wall, and nothing else. One door. Just like the other one. “Why do I know that name?” Barbara questions no one in particular. Zsasz, Tetch and Crane nod in agreement with the question – nice to know I’m not quite a household name. “She was kidnapped by Jerome Valeska a few months ago,” Penguin hobbles towards me, “And has been causing trouble since.” “More trouble happens around me,” I snap. He inhales sharply and steps away. “Does that mean that this is Valeska?” Zsasz asks. I look at him and shake my head. “They took us together, from Arkham.” “What do you mean together?” “I volunteer there, we were both in the hospital. I assumed I was collateral but now… I’m not so sure.” “Why not?” This time it was Ed. “If I was collateral, I would be dead, right?” I shrug, crossing to sit on one of the empty cots. “Smart. So the question is, what do they want from us?” “I think you’ll find the question is, how do we get out of here?” There’s clearly tension between Penguin and Nygma. “Where is Jerome now?” Crane rasps, piercing eyes watching me. “They said they were taking him to “the Hole”. That mean anything to anyone?” They all shake their heads. “Then we can’t do anything about it. Penguin’s right. We need to figure out how to get out of here.” “And who put you in charge? You’re just a kid.” Barbara sneers. I roll my eyes. “No one did. And I’m not.” I look up at her, at all of them. “But I want out of here just as much as you do. And I’ve never been one to sit around waiting to get rescued.” “What are we supposed to do? We don’t even have any weapons.” I frown, but a smile replaces it as I realise something. “What? What do you know?” “It’s not much, but we have something.” I grab the hem of my skirt and pull it up to reveal the dagger attached to my thigh. I pull it out and twirl it around my fingers, watching light glint from the blade. “Where did you get that?” Penguin asks. “Christmas present from Jerome. Hopefully it’s not just pretty.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

SERIES MASTERLIST

MASTERLIST

[zbickerstaff]

An Unpretentious Plan for the Future Betterment of the Human Race and Planet Earth.

                                                                              By Zach Bickerstaff

Clearly we are in trouble. I’m sure that few will disagree. Of course everyone has their own opinion of exactly what our problems are and many of these opinions conflict. But it is abundantly clear that the world has a great many problems upon which everyone can agree. I shall endeavor to concisely explain my long range plan to remediate these problems and endow the Human Race and Planet Earth with a long, prosperous, peaceful and happy future.

                                                                     The Problems

 More than seven billion people inhabit this planet. That’s enough people to fill up Yankee Stadium thirteen thousand times. If you snapped your fingers once per second seven billion times, it would take you 221 years, ten months. We haven’t stopped reproducing either. If anything, we are speeding up. By the year 2050 it is predicted that there will be close to ten billion people. The planet cannot stand up under such a biological load. Seven billion is bad enough. Can you imagine how much poop seven billion people produce? Climate change is a big concern despite the fact that many people deny that it exists. Many of the deniers are now coming around and are finding the courage to accept the fact that something needs to be done. People also argue about the causes of climate change but when you strip away all the scientific jargon and theories, what it comes down to is that there are just too many people on the planet – dirty, messy, inefficient people. The notorious garbage island in the Pacific wasn’t made by penguins and wallabies; it was made by human beings.  

 Environmental problems aside, the human race itself suffers greatly because of its own fecundity. A conservative estimate says that thirteen to fifteen percent of the world’s population is starving or undernourished. 3.1 million children die of malnutrition each year. Malnutrition is a terrible way to die. It’s not a quick death, it is slow and painful. Often parents will feed their children instead of themselves. When they die the children are orphaned and roam the slums, begging for handouts and searching garbage piles for scraps. Speaking of slums, overpopulation assures that there will not be enough wealth to go around. 36% of the world’s population, almost two billion people, lives in poverty. Vast slums exist in South Africa, Kenya, Mexico, Nigeria, Brazil and India. People live in run down shacks constructed from whatever they can get their hands on; pieces of cars and trucks, packing crates, driftwood, bamboo, palm fronds, etc. There is rarely any running water and sewers consist of an open trench flowing with human and animal waste.

 This “lack of wealth” or the unfair distribution of it is the root cause of war. Few wars have been fought over purely ideological issues. Acquisition of resources is far more often the case. In the 20th century alone an estimated 108 million people were brutally killed by war, far more were injured, and made homeless. Again, the root cause of this is overpopulation; too many people, not enough resources.

 So now we have identified the problem. So how do we solve it? The big problem is that this is indeed a very big problem. People tend to be selfish and very uncooperative creatures so they are highly unlikely to go along with any solution. The first step is organization. No solution is going to be effective unless everyone, or nearly everyone, goes along with it. The world is divided up into nearly two hundred different countries. You might think that the United Nations would be a good place to start. No. The UN has no teeth and can’t control nearly enough of the population to be effective with, well anything. When was the last time they stopped a war? There are many people who understand the value of a world government. Realistically, it’s the best, fairest form of government; everyone plays under the same rules, it’s far easier to track criminals who break the rules and it will make war unheard of. It will be much easier to disarm the population to prevent armed revolt, war and mass murder. The immigration problem will be solved because borders will no longer be necessary. Once this achieved, good, solid, enforceable population growth rules can be put into place and there will be nothing that those who do not have the courage to cooperate will be able to do about it.  

 Another very important problem that I haven’t spoken of is the loss of jobs to robotics. Granted, this has been going on a very long time. Surely you have heard the term “Luddite”. It comes from an English mill worker named Ned Ludd who destroyed a new automatic loom in a fit of anger in 1779. He was angry because the new machine had taken the gobs of several workers, including  his. Such a machine is a primitive form of robot.

 Technology is advancing at an alarming rate. Think of a job, any job. Within fifty years, a robot will be able to do it. Artificial Intelligence is even replacing artists. There are advanced programs that can compose music. One was programmed to compose in the style of Beethoven. It wrote a piano sonata and a panel of expert musicologists was tricked into believing it was an undiscovered work by the master himself.

 So, in the next hundred years or so the human race will be out of work. I seriously doubt that the robots will turn against us though, like in the Terminator film series, that’s just the stuff of science fiction. But it will be a very serious problem and the cause of much conflict; many people competing for a very few jobs. The solution is a government that will fairly and equally award what few jobs remain to those qualified and deserving and to divide up the wealth and distribute it equally to those who cannot be employed. The only other alternative is to outlaw advanced technology and / or provide “makework” jobs and that simply will not work over the long term.

 But this still leaves us with the problem that the population is growing and there are not enough resources to go around as it is. Remember, fifteen percent of the population is starving. The simple solution is to simply grow more food. But that’s not as easy as you might think. I well remember driving across the state of Texas, hour after hour. Texas is really big and there are vast stretches of open, undeveloped land. I kept thinking: “why does nobody live here? Why does nobody farm this land?” I soon realized that it was because there is no water – or nearly no water – just enough to keep cacti and sagebrush alive. There is certainly not enough water to sustain the huge, sprawling suburbs of the Northeast US and not enough water to irrigate anything but cacti and sagebrush. And that’s the problem on a global basis too. There is a lot of water on this planet but the vast majority of it is salty. Only 2.5% is fresh and only 20% of that is usable by humans, the rest is locked up in ice caps or is polluted.

 Even if we could figure out some way to feed a gianormous population of ten billion, that still leaves us with all the problems of garbage and human waste. Think about how much poop ten billion people produce.

                                                                            The Plan

 It’s obvious that we need to reduce the global population, not allow it to keep growing and try to deal with it. As I have stated in the preceding paragraphs, there are too many people right now, and we are looking toward the future – the far future. The long term goal is to have no more people on the planet than can live in comfort and relative wealth, be adequately fed and receive all the necessities of life; medical care, a fair government, diversity, inclusiveness and the freedom to feel safe from violence and intolerance. Experts differ in their calculations but the consensus is that the global population should be no more than two billion people.

 So what do we do with the five billion people who are dead weight? Well for starters, they would need to be moved around. With a global government it will be much easier to move people into more efficient and environmentally friendly locations.  Massive structures will be built covering square miles and rising a thousand feet or more. This might seem like it would use up land that could be cultivated but in reality it would free up cultivatable land by “putting everything in one place” - shops, theaters, hospitals, schools, recreation, sports arenas, etc. Perhaps a million or more people could live in one of these “mega-buildings.” In the United States, for instance, once the ideal population level is reached, it would only require approximately one hundred of these structures to be built and the entire population will be moved into them. All other buildings will be torn down. The mega-buildings will be built on land that cannot be put into agricultural use such as deserts, areas with poor soil quality and salt flats.

 Travel will no longer be necessary except between one mega-building and another. People and goods will travel through underground tunnels or on above ground monorails in environmentally friendly, electrically powered rail cars. However, such travel would rarely be necessary because everything one could ever want will be contained within the mega-buildings. This would free the land for agriculture, solar farms, wind farms and other types of environmentally friendly types of energy. Fossil fuels will be rendered obsolete. People will no longer need to own automobiles and will be free from the huge expense of purchase, maintenance and insurance. The carnage of traffic accidents will be a thing of the past.

 A birth control program will be established to stabilize the size of the population. Perhaps the best way to do this is to selectively administer certain chemical compounds during routine vaccinations which would prevent women from producing eggs and / or men from producing sperm. It would be simple and completely painless. No one would even know it had been done until they tried to have children. The selection process will be based on genetic characteristics in an effort to weed out the more troublesome aspects of the human condition such as genetic deformities, mental illness, intellectual disability as well as social issues such as diversity.

 An extensive education program will be established which will contain curriculum to be sure that everyone is made thoroughly aware of the necessity and importance of the steps being taken to save the Human Race and the planet. It will also be used to educate people of the evils of racism, toxic masculinity, misogyny and other destructive behaviors as well as wean the population off of superstitious religious beliefs which conflict with various aspects of the program such as birth control. To this end it would be best to remove children from their parent’s sphere of influence. Schools now provide most meals for children and supervise much of their activity. It is a few simple steps to modify the school system to keep children under the careful and nurturing supervision of the educational system all of the time. Parents would be allowed to visit of course but the object is to prevent them from teaching their children falsehoods and destructive behaviors such as the aforementioned religious superstition, intolerance, bigotry and racism. It would prevent parental child abuse. Alcoholic, uneducated, poorly educated and mentally ill parents are notorious for abusing their children. How many times have you heard news stories about parents doing unspeakable things to their children?

Once the above measures are in place, the population has been relocated and the land has been cleared, agriculture will switch to plant production exclusively, becoming sustainable and eliminating the highly inefficient, wasteful, inhumane and environmentally unfriendly production of animal products. Fishing will be banned so that the oceans can recover. This is not to say that everyone would be forced to be a vegan vegetarian. That’s just not practical and many people would balk at the idea. Plus there is the aspect that a vegan diet holds many dietary deficiencies. Vegans have to be careful to find alternate sources of protein and the vitamins and minerals which are usually supplied by meat, eggs and seafood. This is not something that you can expect a large population to do. Our global government will have detailed records on everyone; location as well as age, height, weight and health status. Based on these factors and the ability – or lack thereof – to contribute to society in a useful way, individuals will be carefully selected for humane harvest. With modern technology a human being can be compassionately and painlessly euthanized and the body can efficiently be processed into many different wholesome and palatable types of food. There is nothing gruesome or morbid about this. This is not the stereotypical, cliché cannibalism of the Donner Party, Hannibal Lechter and Jeffery Dahmer. For instance, the head and hands will not be processed. This is for two reasons. 1. To allow the next of kin to have a funeral with an open casket. The head and hands will be mounted on a dummy body. Afterwards they will be removed and cremated.  Burial will be outlawed; it is wasteful of valuable land which can be otherwise used for agriculture. 2. Many of the diseases associated with the consumption of human flesh are transmitted by brain and nervous tissue. The average human body contains between fifty and seventy five pounds of usable meat. A rate of one billion humane harvests per year will provide an adequate meat supply and pare the global population to an acceptable level within five or six years. This solves both the starvation and the overpopulation problem. It’s a win-win situation.  Obviously only mature people will be selected for harvest. No one will be eating little kids. A minimum age, say 35 to 40 will need to be established. Of course a few people may object to this but over time it will become routine and people will accept their fate. Once the global population is stabilized and clean environmental practices are established, the practice of humane harvesting could be gradually phased out and we could once again begin farming cattle, pigs and other livestock. But we must be vigilant and not let things get out of hand again. We must be strict but gentle. The educational system is key to shaping the thought process so that a tolerant, diverse population is maintained which has the courage to make this plan successful.

 Truly, we are in trouble and truly the plan I have set out here is neither that complicated or difficult. The outcome would be an Earth that could only be described as paradise. I have heard other plans. At best they are patchwork / Band-Aid solutions. Here is a plan that guarantees peace, sustainable, long term human happiness on a green, environmentally sustainable Earth.

[cscumumu]

parker & gabe // [ 001 ]

It’s always like this.

Parker’s half-glad this is the last year of his undergrad, but he’s not delusional — he plans on staying in Stanford for law school like the dedicated, loyal alumni he is, so this will go on for three more years, as it were.

“This” being the absolute spectacle that is the first week of school at Stanford — booths all around the quad, set up to demonstrate several different organizations, manned by the people said organizations believe will be the most successful at recruiting naive freshmen looking for friends, activities, or ways to relieve the stress that is surely to be a daily part of their lives as they begin their journey through undergrad. And Parker? Parker’s here because he’s just finished his first class of the day, and he knows that the people he knows, the people he’s come to consider his closest friends, are around here, too.

The quad is something of a common ground — they all eventually end up here throughout the day, so it’s easy to spot each other through the crowd if they know where to look. Sam’s pointed out several times to him he could also just use that dreaded tracking phone app they’d all downloaded on a whim one night junior year, but it doesn’t feel as genuine to Parker. He likes to know where the people he cares about end up, eventually.

(That, and he’s unimpressed with the app. He turned off notifications the second he got the first one letting him know Sam had left her apartment at three in the morning for no conceivable reason on a Wednesday night, and the last thing he needed to be the nights before a test was worried.)

Anyway — the spectacle. On the highest point of the stairs, where Parker’s almost positive no booth is allowed to set up, there are two large, obscene booths standing side by side, with a large crowd both behind them and around them — there’s music playing in bluetooth speakers Parker can only deduce are hidden under the booths themselves, a Top 40 song he’s unfamiliar with, but that’s not what’s drawing attention to the offensively bright booths — no, that would be Zachary Easton, standing atop an expensive-looking makeshift throne that looks just as offensive as the booths, except perhaps even more so, faux crown lopsided on his head, booming voice reverberating somehow, despite them being in a completely open area with very little around them to support reverberation.

Parker crosses his arms over his chest, watching with amusement the show Zach is putting on for the crowd that’s begun to form around him — mind you, although many look like freshmen, many of them are the same old adoring crowd that follow Zachary like puppies. Something Parker did not understand at first, but eventually relented to: Zach’s charming. What’s more, a lot of what he is is genuine — played up, of course, though Parker doesn’t think Zach is aware Parker knows this, but his core values and general personality traits remain the same: he’s a well-intentioned, extroverted and kind man, something people can sense from miles away. It’s the kind of charm that’s almost supernatural in nature, if Parker believed in that sort of thing; although he supposes charm like that cannot truly be normal, so what does he know?

Isabelle — Zach’s girlfriend now, apparently, and wasn’t she dating Noah before they all split for the summer? — sits on the throne next to Zach’s, looking as flawless as she always does, legs crossed and paying more attention to her nails than Zach’s monologue. Parker doesn’t think Isabelle has the same charm Zach does, though that doesn’t mean he thinks ill of her; she’s spoiled, sure, and a bit uppity, but she’s never been outright cruel to anyone, so far as Parker’s seen. Maybe a bit snotty towards Daniel, but Daniel’s farm-boy manners make Mother Theresa look like the Wicked Witch of the West, so can he really fault her?

(Daniel can. Daniel has, repeatedly. He’s never taken to Isabelle quite as much as the others have, though the foot they started on wasn’t the right one, he supposes, but either way, Parker has done what he does best in any and all situations — stayed out of it.)

It’s a normal, crowded day, and Parker has fifty minutes until his next class, and standing in the California sun is doing him no favors, so he scans the area around him, trying to find an open shaded bench. It’s hard, since everyone’s decided to sit around the quad today in order to listen to Zach, he’s sure, but eventually he spots an open place — it has a clear view of whatever Zach is doing, currently, and it’s only occupied by one other person; a man that looks to be about his age, seemingly sketching into a notebook, eyes narrowed in concentration. There are curls pointing messily every which way on his head, and once in a while he’ll look up to where Zach and Isabelle are, and back down to his notebook.

Parker adjusts his shirt as he walks over to the bench and takes a seat beside the other man, who doesn’t so much as grace him with a look as he sits down. Makes sense, considering the look of concentration on his face must not be simply for show. Parker doesn’t attempt to be subtle as he looks over the man’s shoulder, taking a peek at what he’s drawing, and it’s—

Good. It’s a good sketch, edges marked by what’s most likely personal style, but what’s interesting is that he knows the people in there. Sitting on a throne is a sketched out Isabelle-lookalike, looking at her nails, and beside her is a much more fleshed-out Zach standing above the throne, crown atop of his head, expression positively jovial. There are darker lines around Zach’s sketch, almost like the artist’s been paying it more mind, but Parker doesn’t mention this when he says, “The crown on his head is leaning a bit more to the left.” He looks up at Zach, and sure enough, it’s a miracle the crown hasn’t fallen off by now. He looks back at the man’s sketch. “I’d be thoroughly impressed by him if he managed to keep it as straight as you’ve drawn it, and to be frank, I stopped being impressed by him a while ago.”

[averyonelovesjack]

secret santa ~ jonah marais

requested: yes

HI darling I know your busy and it's no rush but I really love your writing and I thought this would be cute for the holidays. You can do any of the boys but I was thinking Jonah. If you could write about the reader being friends with the boys and doing a secret Santa. The the boy she likes (he likes her back but she doesn't know) gets her and knows exactly what to get her, like something she really wanted and then they talk and get together after they exchange gifts, sorry that's confusing Ily❤

summary: when getting the guy she’s in love with for secret santa, y/n struggles to find an idea for a gift. skip to secret santa and this guy has gotten her the present that she wanted most. 

warning(s): cursing (maybe)

word count: 2044

author’s note: thank you you’re so sweet! i love this idea and enjoyed working on it. hope you love it:)) also i was very far in before i realized that this was that he gets her and not they get each other, so i hope it’s not too cliche that they both got each other (does that count as a spoiler?)

My fingertips trailed over the small piece of paper that was folded oh so neatly as i watched the other boys run around the room, trying to hide who they’d gotten from each other. A smile appeared on my face as i looked towards my personal favorite (although i’d never admit that aloud) stood calmly in the corner of the room, opening his little slip with a smile. The other boys were loud and chased each other, trying to sneak a peak at each other’s paper in attempt to figure out what each person had them. Jonah however, just stood there quietly, content with who he’d gotten and i could practically see that he was thinking about the things he’d get for whoever his person was.

As I got into a safe place, I took a seat at the table, opening the little piece of paper. My heart skipped a beat when i read the sloppily, but neater than most, writing that said jonah. I tried my best to keep a poker face, sure that someone would catch on after i’d given him the present if i smiled widely. jack came up behind me and started to say something before i covered his mouth and quickly threatened into his ear, “say something and i swear to god you won’t live long enough to get a damn present” 

jonah laughed at my words as i blushed, “this is why we keep you around, y/n” 

i bit hard on the inside of my lip, smiling at the boy sheepishly as i removed my hand from jack’s mouth and the curly haired boy stared at me with a look of fear. throughout this past year, i’d grown very fond of these boys. after meeting jonah through a small accident where he’d accidentally spilled coffee on my shirt, he’d introduced me to these boys. we’d all grown close to each other due to my ability to bond to each of them in different ways.

with jack, i had a similar sense of humor. we could spend hours together and be laughing the entire time. zach and i bonded purely over the fact that we both god red very easily. he always had rosy cheeks and jonah took quick notice to my constant blushing. this led for many jokes to be targeted towards us and we took comfort in the fact that we were together in that. corbyn and i were very close in a sibling relationship. he’d look after me and i’d look after him. very protective, he was, but always in the best way. daniel liked to play guitar for me when i would sing with him. it was rare that i’d sing, since i never felt like i had the ability to go places with my voice, but danny brought me out of my shell and would play and sing with me ever since the beginning.

and then there was jonah. he and i bonded over our shared love for coffee and coffee shops. we’d very easily gotten along and he was the sweetest thing in the entire world. even if he’d always just been my best friend, he treated me like a queen and put me before him. we could always be together and never get sick of each other.

despite my very high quality relationships with these boys, it was honestly an amazing surprise to be included in a secret santa with them. i’d suggested it jokingly weeks before, but today i showed up and jonah was very prepared to do it with my suggestion. 

now i’m stuck getting a kick ass gift for the boy i was in love with, without making it seem like i was in love with him.

I pounded my fists on the door of the house, getting over the nerves that had traveled through my body all week. It was too late to regret the present i’d finally decided on and at the end of the day, jonah either likes it or he doesn’t. And there was no way for me to truly know how he felt about it. 

A smiley Corbyn opened the door and i walked in to find a bunch of bags lined up on the table. They were all pretty large so it was almost difficult to fit my equally large one up there. Jack was sitting on the couch, eating some cereal when i walked into the living room. Zach was scrolling through something on his phone and Jonah was sipping his damn coffee mug. I found some comfort in that, for an odd reason.

“y/n’s here!!!” Zach yelled loudly, making me wince with the extremities of the noises coming from most of the boys as i hugged them. I sat down in between Daniel and Jonah, resting my head on Daniel’s shoulder tiredly.

“y/n the day has just begun. you cannot possibly be tired yet” danny informed me and i let out a muffled chuckle.

i disagreed, “i’m exhausted” 

Jonah motioned for me to take a sip of his coffee as i stared at him, “here have some. it’ll wake you up” 

i playfully rolled my eyes, taking a sip of the beautifully blended coffee and handing the mug back to him, “thanks” 

“want me to get you some?” he asks, “there’s a little left i think” 

“no, it’s fine. thank you though” i smiled a little bit. 

corbyn walked into the room a few moments later, all the bags basically covering him as he passed them out to each deserving person. we hadn’t any idea who’d gotten us yet.

before opening my own present, i watched jonah open his. it wasn’t one specific thing that i’d gotten him. it was an assortment of things that connected the two of us: coffee. i bought him several different kinds that i previously knew he loved, as well as two new mugs that were cute and funny, and then a fifty dollar starbucks giftcard. it was a little over the price limit, but that didn’t matter to me. it was the fact that he would like it, maybe, and that it had to do with the way we’d met originally.

i watched as jonah’s eyes lit up, his hands lifting each gift out of the bag and i giggled as he took the items, looking around the room for the giver, “holy shit. who had me?” 

a smile appeared on my face as i raised my hand a little bit and he slid over, wrapping his arms around my body sloppily.

“god, you know me so well y/n” he told me which made my heart flutter. i looked at him with a smile and then he looked at me as if to tell me to look down at my bag and see what was inside.

i reached into the bag, pulling out two things. my eyes blinked several times, trying to determine if this moment was real or not. my fingers traced over the lettering on the back of the jersey and i couldn’t even think in that moment. had one of these boys spent their own money on a new york rangers jersey, specifically a jimmy vesey jersey? had they really known me well enough to see that even though i’d never ask for it, that i’d wanted a jersey for the boy i’d been fond of since his rookie season last year? and on top of that, there was an adorable pair of fuzzy slippers on the bottom of the bag.

“who the fuck got me a jersey?” i room was filled with voices as everyone tried to determine who’d gotten them what they wanted.

“do you like it?” i heard the nervousness in Jonah’s voice as i turned breathlessly to face him.

i couldn’t even do anything but tackle him, pulling his body close to mine, “how the hell did you know?” 

jonah laughed a little bit after i’d whispered that into his ear and he spoke as we separated, “i know how much you love him. it just seemed like something you’d like” 

“jonah, these jerseys are way over the budget” i told him, “these are fucking expensive” 

“well i don’t mind spending a little extra on you, y/n” he smiled a little bit as i shook my head in disbelief. had this boy really spend nearly $200 on a jersey for me?

“you are the absolute best” i hugged him again and he chuckled.

“i mean, you got me like a million freaking things”Jonah smiled, looking at me. 

“yeah but they were small things” i defended.

“still good things though” he reminded, “and it refers to our relationship” 

“built primarily on coffee” we chime at the same time, letting laughs leave our mouths.

My entire body was filled with exhaustion as I grabbed my bag from the table in the dining room, ready to leave the house after a long day. It was a nice day, without a doubt, but tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I have many gifts to wrap still which means that I need some time.

“don’t go yet,” Jack’s voice rang through the house as I fed him a smile. 

I couldn’t help but playfully roll my eyes, “i’ll see you guys tomorrow” 

“why don’t you ever just stay here?” Daniel asks, “you literally go home to come back here in like eight hours” 

I giggle, “well then i’d have to find somewhere to wrap your presents” 

“have fun at home!” Zach’s voice was full of excitement as he realized what was in it for him with me going home, “see you tomorrow” 

“see you guys tomorrow” I waved and as I turned around I felt a hand on the small of my back, guiding me.

“i’ll walk you out” 

i smiled up at Jonah and opened the door, letting him follow me out until we’d reached my car that sat in the top of the driveway, shining under the outdoor lights that Jonah had installed primarily since it was always dark when I left.

“thank you again for the present,” i smiled at Jonah, turning so that i was facing him before i even opened the door to my car.

“it’s no problem, seriously,” He told me, “i’m glad it as something that you liked”

I nodded my head, “it feels good knowing that someone can know me well enough to get me something that i didn’t even ask for and nail it. i don’t know if that makes sense”

i blushed but jonah chuckled, understanding, “it does,” he looked at me and after a moment of silence, “hey, before you go i’ve got a question” 

“shoot,” i fluttered my eyelashes up at him.

he took in a deep and unsteady breath, “i guess, it’s harder to plan than to actually say it,” i laughed with him a little bit as he tried again, “what i’m trying to say, i guess, is that i’ve liked you for a while now and i kept shying away from telling you” 

i couldn’t stop my mind from racing with happiness as i gave him a sly smirk, “and the question is?” 

“can we do something about it?” he came up with, understanding in that moment that he hadn’t need any fear about what this would end as. It may not have been clear before, but Jonah was someone that I really, really liked and i’d do everything to be with him.

I stood on my toes, grabbing his face with my two hands, placing a sweet kiss on his soft lips. His arms snaked around my waist, supporting my back as I reached towards his very tall body. Before we released, i couldn’t help but smile. I stared at him with love visible in my eyes, “let’s” 

“i’d like to take you out on a date,” Jonah informs me.

I gave him another blush and a smile, “i’d like to take you up on that request” 

he let out a quiet laugh at my mocking response, kissing my lips one final time before allowing me to get into my car and wave. I backed out of the driveway with a smile on my face, very excited about seeing him again tomorrow. 

[ofdearing]

‘ how do you just walk away? ’

( shawn mendes lyric starters )                                       accepting.                                                  @dinohearted

        claire remembers the day he was born, a tiny little thing with a soft blue knitted cap who had woken up in her arms and she had fallen in love with him in a heart beat. she remembers karen watching her from the hospital bed, scott sitting close by   - all eyes on the first grandchild, the first born son. Claire was just fourteen and looking back into the eyes of her nephew. she can’t drive but she can be an aunt  - and she had accepted the title proudly. Claire babysits him most evenings, happy to be around her sister and around Zach and watches him in fascination as he grows, as he learns to speak, learns to walk   - 

        things have slowly become tense between her sister and her as she graduates and leaves for college. she returns from her internship at Jurassic World change and distant, Claire tries to ignore as her sister becomes frustrated at claire’s growing distance from the family and refusing to explain or share what happened that summer. But with Zach there is no questioning, no demands of opening up and judgement of her secretive and vague answers. All he knows, all he needs is his aunt chasing after him in the yard as she plays in the world his imagination has created. She’s still the same aunt that’s read him to sleep, calmed nightmares when his parents are out for the night, who pushes him on the swings, who cheered when he learned to ride a bike, who was his partner in crime when Gray was born and his parents attention shifted to the second child to grace the Mitchells. Claire tells him stories of dinosaurs, promises to bring him to the park one day. 

     Karen and Claire’s relationship turns tense her last year in college as she begins to see her nephews less ( there are no more sleep overs, just holidays - not always then ). Her focus turns to her future and to her soon to be career. She graduates and is hired soon after, taken off to California where she never returns home. There are phone calls and at twenty three a final stand off between sisters explodes. The phone calls stop. Holidays are only acknowledged by cards. Zach is only nine. she still loves him with every beat of her heart but there is a rift that takes time to mend between mother and aunt and she cannot find a way to get a nine year old on the phone. she soon loses the time to try, Simon reappears on her metaphorical doorstep and she’s further away  - an island off of Costa Rica. 

    Claire wishes that the disaster could have been avoided, that her nephews could have been kept out of danger just as she finally sees them again ( the sisterly relationship has long since been mended though changed ). he hates her when she sees him for the first time in seven years, gray doesn’t remember anything more than her distant and runs to her, zach used to run to her. but she can hear him calling for her so clearly as she searches for them in the screaming crowds. and he seems reluctant to leave her while Gray clings to her hand. she can’t lose either of them again. She calls him every week, texts are exchanged freely and every day is marked with questions about girls or a remark over some dramatic turn with his parents. Karen is out ( a date, she suspects but she refuses to say ), leaving Zach to watch Gray and he calls her, asks finally for answers softly and the silence hangs in the air over the line.  

     ❝ It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. ❞ she murmurs, ❝ your mom and I weren’t...in a good place and then I left for a job   - I’m sorry. I should have fought harder. ❞

[lunaschild2016]

Worth Fighting For Chapter 23 - Scars We Carry

Rating: M (violence, smut, language, references to abuse and violence)

Romance/Tragedy

He was ruthless, cunning and completely committed to protecting his city but her arrival to Dauntless called everything he ever thought he believed into question. Duty and following orders were no longer enough. They both found more than they ever thought possible. They both found something worth fighting for. Eric/OC AU M Tragedy/Romance

@kenzieam@ericdauntless@jojuarez26@jaihardy@iammarylastar@captstefanbrandt@badassbaker@readsalot73@fuckthatfeeling@dani5102@beltz2016@beautifulramblingbrains@affabletimelady@irasancti@meganbee15@meganbee15@lauraaan182@gylisaa@scorpio2009@bookgirlthings@pathybo@violetsonthelam XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Chapter 23 - Scars We Carry Kat

They let me eat in peace and don’t launch into all that I know is brewing in their minds. Eric’s knee is bouncing, with my hand in his and sitting on his knee after he had taken it back towards the end when he had finished eating. I don’t particularly try and drag out eating but the more I eat, combined with the pain and medications, I become a little sluggish and sleepy.

When I set my fork down, not able to eat anymore of the huge breakfast Zach put on my plate, Eric takes this as his cue and takes a breath. He scowls instantly over at Chase when the other man stops him.

“Eric, give her a second. Let’s just go over to the couches. She will be more comfortable there anyways.”

I am torn between thanking him and grumbling that I am right there and don’t need to be talked about or over. I don’t get either out because with a sigh, Eric just scoops me up and carries me over to the couch. When I am settled to his liking...at his side…which is causing all kinds of flutters and warmth in me, the other two join us.

I sigh when they get settled and Eric’s arm drapes around my shoulders. “Ok...where would you like to start the interrogation?”

There is no hesitation in any of them as Eric bites out what is a mutual concern for them. “The fight. Your sister’s more specifically because what happened there led to your own fight issues.”

Chase nods and his lips are thinned. “What caused you to lose it like that Kat? I saw the recording and….the Kat I have seen and am talking to as well as trained with, was checked out.”

There are things I cannot tell anyone. Not because I am afraid to really, or trying to protect the person that it is about, but because I don’t know how to talk about them. I have buried the worries and memories so deep inside and just determined to deal with them on my own that I don’t know how to open up about this. I don’t want to lie to them though, especially Eric. So I determine to tell them what I can only guess is causing it.

I sigh and nod. “I think it has root in what happened with the factionless guys the day I got shot. At least part of it. Do you remember I said that everything went red and hazy? Well, that kind of happened yesterday too. Other than the first time, that hasn’t happened to me again. Seeing Tris being beaten like that…..I think….I think I was seeing in real life one of my worst fears. I know about the fear sims by the way. Uri, Lynn and Mar told me about them but they don’t know what exactly goes on or how the process works. They just knew the stage and what it is called. I just guessed from the name of it though. I am guessing we will be facing our worst fears in the sim and I think I just discovered what one of mine will be.”

“Kat….” Chase starts out slowly and worriedly. “We are going to have to find a way to calm that down or get you to be able to focus through it.”

I shrug with a nod. “If I had been thinking clearly, I might have realized I would need to start that before her fight and started my meditation technique. I am going to have to do that for the next one I think. All it really does is help me to keep my focus and try to limit outside influence. I still see and hear everything. I still feel everything too. I just am better able to focus on what I want or need to concentrate on.”

Eric has been tense beside me the whole time but he speaks next. “Do you always vocally say the mantras? Or is it usually internal?”

“Internal. I don’t know why I was saying them out loud yesterday. Maybe hearing my own voice helped to calm me. Maybe some part of me knew saying them out loud would unsettle Drew. Maybe it was both.”

Chase looks to Eric, causing me to look up at Eric’s face. It is a tight mask right now. His eyes are the cold calculating ones I have come to know when he is internally plotting or analyzing something.

“How about you make all your focusing internal and not let that particular ability be known? The three of us will know but the less people that do, then the better off you will be. Wouldn’t want to give away the secret of how to do that.” Eric says this in an offhand way but there is something off in his tone, other than it is also still very much a command. This isn’t a suggestion but an order.

I nod, still looking at him and he nods back. “I will. Like I said, I will make sure to do it before all of her fights too.

“Good. Now….what was this about an issue or incident with a former member of your old faction?” There is that deadly soft voice. A shiver of apprehension does shot through me, even if it isn’t for myself.

I am scared to tell him. Not because I am afraid of what he might do to me. When I look to Chase and Zach, I see the same looks reflected back at me that Eric has. These three men, who seemed so very different it was like night and day, at their cores were very much the same.

“The last year of school, Tris and I were walking home from classes and headed towards the volunteer center to start our time there. When we entered the factionless sector, Alistair approached us. Alistair is a few years older than us and had gone through his own choosing just a couple of years prior. He didn’t make it through his initiation for whatever reason though and left for the factionless. At first it wasn’t really any different than when other factionless approach us. We always had food or items with us to hand out and we did so for him.” I paused and scrunched up my nose remembering the changes in the once kind man.

“It was awkward though because...he was so different. He reeked of liquor. His smile that had been kind before, was different. Once he got the items we had, he wanted to talk. We both felt extremely uncomfortable with him and didn’t want to stay. Tris was polite and made excuses that we needed to be away but I….” I sigh and close my eyes, hating myself for causing the trouble. “I couldn’t keep my fucking mouth shut or stop the disgust at him from showing. I blurted out a thought, completely true but still probably not the best thing I could have said, and that was when the trouble started.”

“What did you say and what did he do?” This was Zach asking this time. I think Chase and Eric were already building up too much of their anger to be able to speak.

“I might have uttered out my disgust at him being able to drink or find liquor but not find food and take care of himself.” I groan out and shake my head. “Again...not that I believe it to be any less true or that I didn’t absolutely mean it….but...it might have been better to just keep that to myself.”

A very brief flash of pride and amusement went through their eyes before they sat waiting for the other part.

“He became belligerent and started calling me all kinds of names and making promises of what he was going to do. Saying that because he was former Abnegation he knew things. That he knew people and knew of ways to make us disappear never to be found. Not until he was done with us and then all that would be found was a broken, used dead body.”

And this is where my disbelief that someone once so kind could have gone so far so fast became a weakness for me. I had let that make me hesitate. “I hesitated when Tris wanted to get out of there. I might have felt disgust at him and his state but I still remembered him from before and how kind he had been. I wanted to believe there was still good in him. I didn’t know what caused him to leave Abnegation, if he even left on his own or was kicked out. I refused to believe that the man I had seen out during countless winters, handing out blankets or making sure the women and children without men found shelter and were ok, could just be gone. I refused to believe that all that good was gone.”

Eric scoffed and went tense beside me, his hand that was cupped around my shoulder went tighter. “Not everyone is good or is even capable of good, Kat.” He muttered this bitterly and there was something in his eyes that told me he was talking about more than just Alistair.

My eyes met his, and the fire burning in those blue depths flashed with a pain that radiated into me. I got a glimpse, brief but I think more than he ever let anyone see, of a part of Eric he kept buried deep inside.

Still holding his eyes I smile and shake my head. “I don’t believe that, Eric. You might say it makes me some naive little girl but I refuse to believe that. I am realistic though and know that good won’t always win out in the end. Bad things happen and sometimes they are done by people that are mostly good but that are just making some really bad fucking decisions in their lives. Maybe not everyone is cut out for the big hero moments or the good that would seem at all significant to anyone else. Maybe they have only made one good choice in their life...but it is still there.”

I don’t know what is going on in that mind of his while I am speaking but I can tell my words are having some kind of affect on him. I can tell that they make him happy even. In that moment I wish to hell Chase and Zach weren’t there because I might just crawl into his lap and pull his head to my chest and hold him to me, to never let him go. To do things to him that I wish I had been brave enough to try for in that bathroom.

Chase clears his throat and the spell we had both been wrapped up in was broken. I turned my head to look at him and see that even Chase looked to be affected by my words. I didn’t get why there was sadness in his expression when looking between Eric and I. I didn’t understand how it could also hold happiness, as well.

“What did you do then?” He indicates for me to continue with the story.

I swallow around the lump of emotion and memories that seemed lodged in my throat. “I tried to appeal to that side of him, of course. Tried to defuse the situation even though I refused to apologize for my previous words. It only seemed to make him angrier. Maybe it reminded him too much of a man he used to be and that was a little too much for him to bare. Either way, he attacked physically. He backhanded me and I went to the ground stunned. I don’t think Tris even thought about what she was doing but she leapt into action and started trying to land kicks and punches to him, to pull him off me. He hit her next and that got my blood boiling. So then he had two pissed off Prior’s going at him. A small group of factionless had already started over and I swore I thought I was going to have to start fending them off too. They came over to help though and pulled him off. One guy, I guess he recognized who we were and that we were Natalie’s daughters. I even heard my mother’s name muttered briefly as they were pulling him away.”

I shrugged after finishing the story and looked between the three men. Eric had started to tremble and I don’t know what cause me to do it, but I wrapped my arms around his waist from where I was sitting beside him. The trembling stopped slightly but I felt as if I was holding onto a ticking time bomb. That as soon as I let him go he was going to go off.

“Did you know what happened to him after that?” This coming from Zach, and his baritone voice was strained. It was the only sign that he was as angry as Eric and Chase, who weren’t even bothering to hide it.

I shook my head as I squinted my eyes and tried to remember those moments after the incident. “I know that I heard the guy dragging him off saying something about Alistair having been warned before and that he would have to leave the group and go to some others, but I am not sure what that meant. I am assuming the small group he was with had issues with him before and were sending him away.”

Chase let out a hiss of a breath and a scowl formed on his face. “Kat, can you remember how large the group was? Or any other details?”

I bite my lip and shake my head. That is truthful, at least for that incident. I don’t remember how many there were exactly and everything else was kind of hazy because of my shock and disappointment in myself. “Honestly everything is tainted by how I was feeling in that moment. It is part of why I started to learn how to focus in other ways. I was letting my emotions taint how I handled everything and I knew I needed to do something different if that should ever happen again.”

Yesterday proved that I had failed again and just why I needed to do better.

“Starting tomorrow we work on that, Kat. No more allowing your anger or emotions to rule you during those situations.” Eric said firmly from beside me.

His voice was level but I wasn’t fooled. I still had my arms around him and I knew his body was still being held as if any moment, if I let go, he was going to go find something or someone to explode on.

I gulped and nodded. “I plan to work on that and never let it happen again.”

“Good.” He says through a tightened jaw. “We have some time before you and Chase need to head down for the outing. How are you feeling right now?”

“I am not hurting as much but I am sluggish. Need more coffee.” I grouch a little and feel my body second that when I sink more against Eric’s side.

“You can have more coffee before you go, but as there are a few more hours...just rest now.” Eric said after shaking his head at my request for more caffeine.

“Are….you aren’t going anywhere are you?” I blurt out and tighten my arms around him before I realize I am doing it and how pathetic my tone must have sounded.

If he found it pathetic, sickening or weak he didn’t show it. Eric let his hand go to the back of my neck, gently massaging it while at the same time pressing my head to his chest. “No I’m…” He stops and takes a breath. I can feel a slight hitch in his heart rate before the rumbling of his voice blocks it out “We aren’t going to go anywhere.”

His attentions to my neck, the warmth of his body and then the steady beat of his heart draw my exhaustion forward and I melt into him with a yawn.

“M’kay.” I get out as my eyes drift closed. I faintly see Chase look away with a pained look before I drift off, a frown curling my lips slightly.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I am vaguely aware of the rumbling beneath my head as Eric is speaking while I doze. They aren’t exactly trying to be quiet but I can tell they are being mindful of letting me rest. Their voices as they talk about...what I don’t even really know...aren’t disturbing me at all. Not like Al’s sniffles or the rustling of others in their beds. In fact it lulls me into a sleep that is probably better than I have had in I don’t even remember how long.

Maybe it has more to do with the arms that feel like steel bands of protection wrapped in warmth that surround me. Either way it takes being shaken for me to wake up. I blink to clear the sleep from my eyes and give a sigh of combined disapproval and pleasure. Disapproval because I am being woken up. Pleasure because a cup of steaming coffee is placed in my hands as I am helped to sit up.

“What time is it?” I get out after I have taken a few big gulps of the coffee, amid deep chuckling from Eric beside me. Who I notice has his own large cup of coffee too. If I didn’t know better, given the rumpled state of his hair and clothes, I would say he had slept along with me. But I know better, and that can’t be possible….right?

Zach and Chase were sitting in the chairs they had been in previously and had cups of coffee themselves.

Chase cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair. “We have about twenty minutes before we have to be down in the Pit to meet the others and head to the trains. Figured we could head out soon and wait for your friends since it might take a bit longer for you to walk there. How are you feeling by the way? Your breathing better?”

I tilt my head as I evaluate that, taking in a few deep breaths and twisting very gently at my solar plexus. There is a twinge and extreme soreness but my breathing is better. I nod with a smile to Chase. “It is better. I should be good to be able to jump on and off the train if that is what you are worried about.”

Eric sighs and rubs the back of his neck. “It isn’t just the train. There will be ladders and steep climbing...just...promise to take it easy on all that. It isn’t weakness to show caution.”

I smirk a little as one of my mantras and a quote comes to mind and I sleepily utter that in response to Eric’s words, which are of course an order even if it wasn’t phrased that way.

“There is a precipice on either side of you - a precipice of caution and a precipice of over-daring.” [Winston Churchill]

Chase snorts while Eric just smirks over at me. “Exactly. So let’s not get too over-daring and go over the literal precipice today. I will be extremely pissed if you do.”

I mock salute him then drink on my coffee in large sips when I see that Chase is starting to get up and get ready to leave.

“What are you up to today if you don’t have to attend to the kiddies?” I ask Eric but also look at Zach in question too.

Zach groans a little. “Fucking Candor. I have to go attend some boring ass meetings with Candor about the six month safety checks around the holding and jails there at the Judicial Complex.”

I laugh a little at his extremely put out tone. During our talks I had found out that both Chase and Zach had transferred from Candor. Chase the same year as Eric but Zach the year prior. Those two had been friends there and from my understanding left any family connections behind them on transfer. They didn’t seem too enthusiastic about their former faction so I could understand Zach’s dread of having to go back there for the whole day.

“I have a Council meeting to attend to. Part of the reason the visit to the fence was set for today.” Eric grumbles and shrugs.

I bite my lip and nod. A council meeting meant most if not all the leaders of the factions would have to be there. My father would be there. Thoughts of him brought a small pain that I quickly worked to mask but I saw a flash of sympathy from Chase as he walked back over to the living area, my jacket in hand.

I drain the last of my cup then get up to take it to the kitchen but it is already being whipped away from me by Zach and then Eric is there helping me with my jacket. His expression is tight again and his lips thinned.

“Chase has some more of the same meds for you and you need to take them after a few hours. It will help with a bit of the pain at the very least.” He mumbles this all out after fiddling with the collar on the jacket and I can’t help but smile at him.

“I will be a good little girl and take my medication...Sir.” I blush after I get this out because the title of sir was said with way more affection that I meant for it to have. I meant for it to be playful but I might as well have been calling him sweetheart or baby with how it sounded in the end.

His eyes snapped to mine and widened a little until a slow smile crept across his face and he bit his bottom lip for a second. It was as if he was holding back saying or debating something.

“You better come back to me in the same condition you are leaving me in…” He pauses for a second and lowers his voice as he leans in closer to me “...kitten.” He finishes in a bare whisper that is also a slight purr.

Despite me trying to fight it down a shiver escapes me and he pulls back with a smirk on his lips. He looks up to find Chase waiting for me by the door and they exchange looks I am coming to recognize is their ability to communicate with each other.  His hand goes to the small of my back after he turns me towards Chase and the door.

No more is said between the two of us and I couldn’t speak if I tried. My mind and body is in flux currently. All I know is I really, really need to get Lynn alone tonight. Preferably with one of those beers that my friends were always shoving down my throat when I would sneak out to hang with them.

Chase is oddly quiet to for most of the walk. I can tell he is watching me closely, most likely trying to determine if I am doing ok or not. Honestly if my body is in pain I am not feeling much of it or at least my mind isn’t registering it. Instead all I can seem to focus on is the memory of Eric and I in the bathroom. The way his hands had felt as they moved over me. The way his lips had felt when they pressed against my skin. A throbbing had started within me and it was only getting worse, even without him there. I wasn’t sure I liked this feeling at all but at the same time...I didn’t want it to end either.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A smile came over my face as I sat on a bench along with Chase at the sight and sound of my friends and sister making their way to the Pit. She was laughing with a smile even through her bruised and battered face.

Uri had his arm tossed around her shoulders and Lynn seemed to be beaming at Tris during whatever they were talking about. I could only guess that they were still going on about not only her winning but the blow she delivered to Peter in the fight. Both literal and figurative.

They caught sight of me and rushed over to join us, flopping down in various spots. Tris automatically went into evaluate me. Gauging if I was any worse off after my first morning of punishment. I felt a slight bristling at that and what it implied. I guess Chase figured what was happening because he cut in and cut me off from the snarky comment that was bubbling inside of me.

“You guys should have seen the amount of paperwork Kat was swimming under this morning. Her face when she saw what she was being assigned to today made me think she would have rather been sparring.” He said with a smirk and a laugh.

There was a grain of truth in that. I really would have rather been sparring then being forced to take medications I didn’t feel I needed. I matched his smirk, my eyes twinkling back at him. Mar and Tris seemed to breath out a sigh of relief with his words. Then Tris laughed a little.

“She never did like the paperwork aspect of our volunteering time. Even if she would grudgingly admit she learned a few things when we were being assigned to help out with those tasks. It was like pulling teeth to at least get her to see something positive about it.” Tris said with a shrug but she also blushed because she knew damn well she hadn’t liked it much either. She was just a lot less vocal about that fact than I had been.

I raise my eyebrow at her but refrain from saying anything to her about that. My smile is enough to have us both chuckling at it.

“You guys had to do paperwork for part of your volunteering work?” Lynn asked confused, because that isn’t a normal part of what Abnegation do mainly.

Tris shrugged with a nod. “Yeah, it wasn’t the usual kind of work for dependents. I am not sure why we were given it but it started about four years ago. One day Mom just said that we were being put to work one day a week with Dad at the Hub. Other days we did some for when the food distribution center had to keep tally of what was being brought in by Amity. It was Erudite paperwork that required exact tally’s and totals and was a complete pain the ass. It might sound like we were getting off with the lighter work but there was nothing light about the mental taxing and just plain annoyance we had to put up with during those days.”

I huffed out a laugh and tried to push down the uneasiness I felt at this whole line of talk. I had never been able to confirm why Mom and Dad had suddenly gotten me out of the time I was supposed to be spending with Marcus and serving my volunteering with him. I had my suspicions that Mom had grown suspicious herself and had talked to Dad or arranged for both Tris and I to be assigned other areas. If that was true then Mom had only been trying to help. She couldn’t have known just how much worse she had made things for me.

Lynn was snapping her fingers in my face, jolting me from the memories I didn’t want to get lost in and hadn’t known I had been pulled under in.

I looked around at all my friends and saw frowns of concern. “You doing ok there, Kat? You have been spaced out for a few minutes now.” Mar asked with her gentle tone and frown on her face still.

I sigh tiredly and nod. “I think I am just still very tired. I know I was given something for sleep but between not sleeping well in the dorms and then being hit in the head...I am a little spacey feeling.”

That wasn’t a lie completely, just not the reason for my blanking out moment. It did seem to assure the others in a way. Although I am sure by his body tensing, that Chase didn’t accept it fully.

If he was going to call me out on it he never got the chance. Four came into the area, his brooding expression already in full force for so damn early in the morning. His eyes zeroed in on first Tris and I could tell he was just soaking in that she was ok before they moved over to me. His lips thinned at my appearance as well as the fact that I was sitting next to Chase. A flash of something went through his eyes and had me biting back a growl at what I recognized. Jealousy.

Oh, he and I would be having a talk and soon. I had been dreading it but now I was looking forward to it. I had a few things to say to Tobias Eaton.

“Time to make our way out to the tracks.” Chase growled out before he changed his tone as he stood up. “Come on stumpy. You need more time to get your short legs to match everyone else’s”

He put a hand out to help me up with a playful smirk at me and I returned it with a playful glare. The walk was slow going, or slower than I would have liked. Tris and I both were having to move a little stiffly but we were made to feel better when we caught sight of Peter ahead of us walking extremely gingerly with his fists clenched to his sides.

A slight pang of guilt went through me and I could see it mirrored in Tris’ eyes too. With tight smiles of understanding at each other we linked arms and walked on, even passing Peter with our friends at one point.

When the train came, I braced myself for the pain and began my jog to board. Tris was ahead of me and I could see her discomfort when Al had reached down and lifts her into the car. My eyes narrowed at him but I didn’t get time to do much beyond that because before I knew it I was being lifted too.

What shocked the shit out of me was that it wasn’t Chase, Uri or even Four that had lifted me up and into the car...but Peter fucking Hayes! His face was strained and as soon as I was on he let go and backed away like I was poisonous to him. I couldn’t even really take the time to register that before I was being pulled to the other side of the car and away from him by Lynn.

“What the fuck was that about?” Lynn hissed lowly in my ear.

I shook my head, still stunned. “I have no goddamn clue. Did he look like he was at least thinking about throwing me from the train?”

I was grasping for ideas about what might have possessed him to have done that. Lynn’s lips tilted in slight amusement as she too shook her head. “Not that I could see. He saw you running, rolled his eyes and then reached down for you.”

Apparently Tris had missed what occurred. She was too busy being spoke to lowly by Four who was looking like he swallowed something bad as he cast a glare at Al. Whatever he said had her back going straight and moving towards us quickly with what I can only place as a look of stubbornness burning in her eyes.

Apparently Four had pissed my sister off good. Still she was avoiding Al and came to stand by us, with Will then Christina trailing after her. The train ride was spent mostly with Will rattling off knowledge he had learned from Erudite and at times Christina making fun of him. Lynn surprised me when she would respond back to Will as if she was truly interested in what he was saying.

I couldn’t tell if that was to piss Christina off and make her feel badly for her comments or if she was truly interested. I think it might have been a combination of both.

I got caught up in watching the city and landscape roll by. Watching the mountains near Amity get closer the longer I stood near the door. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the whipping of the wind around me. It was cold and had a bite to it. The jacket that I was provided by Eric helped with that and my lips curled up in a smile at the memory of Eric dressing me as well as putting the jacket on me.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Chase’s deep voice rumbles from beside me, his arms crossed over his chest and his feet planted in a way that braced him in the opening of the train.

I smiled at the old adage and gave a small laugh. “I don’t think they are even worth a penny.” I shrugged over at him. “I was just thinking that I didn’t thank the person or persons responsible for the fact that I am not a freezing mess right now. The jacket is very nice.”

A smile of pleasure curls up the corners of his mouth and his blue eyes light up even though he starts to shrug. “I am sure that whoever it was just wanted to make sure you didn’t come home a popsicle. They also might have been sure you needed gloves, a hat and a thicker coat. I am afraid that might have gotten voted down.”

I let out a laugh and shook my head in wonder at how I might have looked. “I would have looked like a marshmallow being swallowed up by wool and leather.”

Chase’s chest rumbled with laughter. “We might have been being a tad over-protective.”

“You think?” I smirk at him. “Let me guess...Zach was the voice of reason?”

My voice went low so that only Chase could hear this although Lynn was near and by her pointedly trying to avoid looking in our direction, I could tell that at the very least she was picking up on the familiarity between us if not what we were saying.

“You would be correct in that guess. Although he did agree that it was a good idea to go ahead and have all of that on hand.” Chase said with a shrug.

I felt a flush of both pleasure, worry and unease run through me all at the same time. Thoughts of them feeling like they needed to do all this, because they saw me as weak, began to run through my mind. A frown started to curl my lips and my face must have reflected this because I was being nudged by his elbow and made to face him.

Chase’s face was serious as he looked me. His eyebrows drawn together. “Kat…” He starts and stops for a second, taking a breath. “What we do...anything we do for or with you will never be because we think you aren’t capable or strong. I can admit...sometimes it might seem that way and I am sure he will come off as overbearing about it all. I think you can also tell by now, even in this short amount of time, that we have all come to...care for you. If the roles were reversed…”

From the moment he started to speak I felt petty and like a little girl for letting my thoughts overshadow their generosity towards me. They might not think me weak in the sense that I was worrying about but compared to their skill and knowledge I was the weaker of them. They were leaders and teachers all of them, as such, of course they would make efforts to pass their knowledge on to me. I should be feeling grateful and appreciative. It was that whole pride and stubbornness coming back to bite me in the ass again.

“I would do the same thing. I would want to do what I could to make sure the person I cared about was taken care of and it wouldn’t be anymore than me being who I am as a protector. Not me looking down on them.” I finished as lowly as I could but with an understanding tone.

A flash of a look passed through his eyes that I didn’t quite understand. It almost looked like apprehension for a moment. That passed quickly and he was once again smiling. “Exactly. Just remember that Kat. Tomorrow...it is going to be hard to remember that when he starts the training I am sure he has planned for you. Like I said it will never be because he...we...think you are weak.”

I swallowed a little at the slight ominous tone in his words. I couldn’t imagine what Eric might have in store for me. I knew it wasn’t going to pretty though. Not with how disappointed he was in how I had been performing when it truly mattered. Eric wasn’t a soft man in the best of times...and this was most certainly not a best of times scenario.

I nodded to Chase with a tight smile. “I think I already knew that something like that was coming. I don’t know how it could not.”

Uri and Mar chose that moment to get in a scuffle, playful, but still it knocked me off my feet slightly. Thankfully I was able to catch myself again but I had to latch onto Lynn to do it. When I looked back Chase had moved off again and Lynn was smirking at me.

“You going to tell me what all that was about?” She got out with her pierced eyebrow raised.

I bit my lip in thought and looked around. There were too many people and I didn’t really want to get into all of what I needed to run by her at the moment so I shook my head. “Not right now. But I was thinking, tonight….”

Lynn smiled, a beautifully wicked grin as I could tell she was already picking up on what I was about to say. “Beers and girl talk?”

I laughed and nodded. “But...just you and me? Would that be ok?”

She shrugged and cast a look to Mar with a tight smile. I knew what that was about. It was a secret I gladly kept for her and I gave her a look of understanding when she said her next words. “I am sure Uri will be able to keep her occupied for the night. He usually does lately.”

I nodded but didn’t say anything to that. There was nothing to say really. She couldn’t help how she felt anymore than Marlene and Uriah could help how they did. “So tonight after dinner we can sneak away.” I supplied with a smile after a few minutes.

She smiled back and with our plans made we joined the others.

“What do you think is out there?” Tris asked, nodding to the door of the train as the mountains of the Amity sector came closer and closer. “Beyond the fence I mean.”

Christina shrugs from beside Tris in a bored manner and rolls her eyes. “A bunch of farms, I guess.”

“Yeah, I get that Christina.” Tris snaps at her, bristling at her tone. “I mean past the farms. Ever wonder what we are guarding the city from?”

Uri smirks at Tris and wiggles his eyebrows at her. “Monsters!”

Tris rolls her eyes with a smile and we all chuckle a little.

“We didn’t even have guards near the fence until roughly ten years ago.” Will says, looking out into the distance, as if it is providing him the answers right then. “Don’t you remember when the Dauntless police used to patrol the factionless sector?”

Instantly my body goes tense and Tris looks to me, worry and a slight shake of her head the only indications she knows exactly what is going on with me at the moment.

“Yes” She says with a tight jaw and guilt almost takes me to my knees. Her hand finds mine and she squeezes, I am sure silently willing me to hold it together.

“Oh, right.” Will says looking between the two of us with narrowed eyes. “I bet you saw them all the time.”

“What the fuck makes you say that?” I blurt out, clutching my stomach with one hand in a clenched fist, before I can stop myself.

Will gets a genuine shocked and puzzled look and I feel even more guilt for my overreaction. “Because you had to pass the factionless sector to get to school right?”

“What did you do, memorize a map of the city for fun?” Christina says with a laugh. For once I am thanking Christina for her constant passive aggressive insults.

“Yes. Didn’t you?” Will’s tone sounds like he is being completely serious but there is a sparkle in those eyes that lets me know he was at the very least half playing.

The train’s brakes squeal and we all lurch forward as the car slows. When it finally stops Four’s voice calls from the other side of the car.

“Follow me.”

So we do and a long day looms ahead of me, much like the massive concrete and metal fence that we begin our walk towards. The thought of climbing the heights to stand up on that monstrosity sends tingles coursing through me. At least there is that to look forward too.

[stevennavarro]

Switzerland, Italy & Eternal Life

Captivated, I gazed up at this map in Geneva’s central train station. The way major European cities were represented by cathedrals and castles with Switzerland seemingly at the center of it all, portrayed with a dove carrying an olive branch, was worth the neck strain. The walls stretched past the mural to a high ceiling, allowing the melodies from the public piano there to wash over the bustle that usually accompanies places of transit. 

My team and I had bought some snacks and found a bench to huddle around as we waited for our overnight bus to Italy. We had arrived in the station about half an hour prior and still had about 45 minutes to go.

As I continued looking at the map, Zach called to my attention that the pianist serenading everyone in the hall had a cast on his left hand. That’s pretty impressive, I thought. Even more impressive than the map at that moment. I wandered over to the piano once he ended his song.  “What song were you playing?” I asked him. “It’s a variation on a song called ‘Israel,’” he replied casually.  I immediately knew this was going to be an interesting conversation.

What brought my team and I to that moment was a DTS workshop in Burtigny, a small Swiss village right above Geneva. We had spent about a week there gathering with other staff from western Europe to learn about the nuts and bolts of the schools we run. Besides teachings and various breakout sessions, there were times of worship, prayer and fellowship. It was all very, very encouraging. Certainly fun, beautiful and refreshing. But, let me tell you, there were also some significantly challenging moments for me.

Rob Westwood, who has been in YWAM for 40 years, taught on what discipleship in our schools should look like. Discipleship is something big. It revolves around relationship and with human beings who are dynamic, so there are many dimensions to it. But one session in particular, while focusing on discipleship within the context of community, Rob said this: 

“DTS is meant to be a community. Because people’s lostness is not going to be dealt with by teaching, but by love and trust in God and in others...If you’re not being intentional, you’re passively discipling to still live in the ways of the world...Discipleship is about putting off concepts of the world on putting on different ways. The students need to see an alternate model. As humans we are experts at deceiving ourselves. That’s why we’re called into community where we can get a reflection of our actual opinion. But that only works in a community where people are vulnerable and take time to explain how they got to a decision. We as a community should live this way.”

It felt like everything within me was burning. I resonated with these words so much that I could hardly contain my emotion. Because I knew that’s what I’ve been wanting to create, that’s what I’ve been wanting to live in, yet I know I haven’t always seen that around me nor have I lived up to this standard. This type of community is what I so desperately want to see more of, but I see certain dynamics within the team and certain tendencies of passivity in my own life hinder this.

I felt like I would either start yelling, banging the table or crying soon if I didn’t somehow express what was going on inside of me. The coffee break was a few minutes away. I determined in my mind that I would go up to my room, cry to the Lord about all my shortcomings and let my frustration out instead of joining the group for the break. That’s right. I determined I would go upstairs alone and have a pity party.

Rob reached a stopping point (thank God) and told us to be back in 30 minutes. I quickly headed to the stairs and made my way up to the third floor. Little did I know Tom, a great Dutch friend who is leading DTS’s in Switzerland, was also going up but from a different staircase. As I was walking to my room – still set on having my pity party with God, mind you – Tom came from the other end of the hallway with a pace just as quick as mine. “Hey, Stevie!” he shouted in the chipper way that he does. I was expecting us to exchange a high-five as we walked past each other or a simple fist bump. Even a firm handshake would have been all right. But what Tom did instead was begin to wrestle me. Yes, how inconsiderate, I know! As I was on my way to my very important meeting, Tom grabbed my shoulders and actually started pushing me backwards while yelling phrases like, “C’mon!” and “Ahhhh!” It took about a good second or two but I realized that I actually didn’t want him to push me, so I began pushing back. And I started pushing back with all of my force. Now Tom is bigger than I am, but I don’t think he was expecting such a fight for a quick hallway roughhousing session. Very soon we reached a deadlock and somehow in that short time managed to gather a group of guys around us cheering phrases such as “Get him!” and “Haha!” All I had originally wanted to do was be alone in my room but now I was strangely at the center of the halftime entertainment.

We were pressed up against the wall. I was grabbing his legs and he was grabbing my arms. It was a bit of a knot. We both released each other. Tom chuckled, gave me a slap on the back and went on his merry way. I walked away a bit out of breath and also chuckling. I made it to my room and closed the door behind me. Even though it was a brief jostle, I could feel the adrenaline pumping through me. With my heartbeat going fast and a sense of accomplishment for not being slammed to the floor, there was no way I could kneel down and cry now. I felt too invigorated by the fight to be sad. I laughed a bit at myself for feeling disappointed that my pity party was ruined.

I definitely needed that. Because that little scuffle helped me hear what the Lord was saying in that moment: the fight is needed. Sure, there are times to lament before the Lord. But this wasn’t one of them. Because the hinderances I am facing are not to be despised, they are to be welcomed. They create the place for something necessary to happen. It might sound strange at first, but I believe the Lord is inviting me into a promise while at the same time blocking me from it. Perhaps the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer from a sermon he preached in 1932 titled “The Promised Land” from Genesis 32 will help bring clarity to this tension:

“[Jacob] wants to go into the land of God... He, Jacob, knows that his brother and the promised land are near; tomorrow he will be in his home country. Now it is night. And he stays alone by the river. Just a few hours, then it will be morning, then he will cross over into his home country. But then suddenly...someone steps into his path. He puts his arms around him; he wrestles with him; he will not let him go; he tries to force him down. Jacob should not return to the promised land. He should not find peace with his brother...And violently the great unknown one tries to push Jacob away from him into the night. But Jacob’s longing for the promised land gives him unbelievable strength, and he does not allow himself to be pushed away...He holds the other one fast in his arms, and now, in the struggle, he recognizes who his opponent is. It is none other than God who is guarding this land, who will not let any intruder in, who keeps this land holy, who wants to show this person that one can’t just come in so simply and happily and merrily, but that only the holy and righteous cross over the borders of this land. Everyone else, every foreigner, every unfaithful one must stay away in the night of loneliness and of evil. Do you hear it, and do you understand it, too? One cannot just casually enter into the promised land...In the night where we know that we are sinners before God, where our need becomes great and God wants to turn away from us, there one must fight for God’s blessing. There we should scream out: I will not let you go, unless you bless me. And then morning is near; then the day breaks. Then none other than God comes and makes it light and quiet within us, and we enter into the promised land. It doesn’t look any different from the day before, but God has been there and left divine mercy and blessing with us, and that is why we are in the promised land.”

I believe it’s helpful, even good, for me to feel the dissonance of what I know is available as the Body and what I now experience. What sort of formation would I miss if that ideal community was a given from the start? How could I ever enter into it if there was no God to wrestle with me at its gate and then give me a blessing that is the promised land itself? Rob said it a few times in the week like this, “Pearls come from oysters with irritation.” That certainly sounds better than whatever could come out of a pity party. 

First photo: Rob Westwood teaching in the Western European DTS Gathering. Second Photo: The team on a bus in Switzerland.

After the workshop, my team and I planned on visiting friends who are pioneering a YWAM base in the north of Italy. We wanted to see the projects they have been working on and to pray into what the Lord is doing there. That’s what brought us to the train station in Geneva that night, and eventually that’s what led me to asking a pianist how he got a cast on his hand. 

He stated it was from a biking accident. By this time another passerby had hopped on the piano and begun playing a different tune. The small talk continued. The pianist with the broken wrist looked about my age. He told me he was half Swiss, half Bulgarian. At a certain point he asked me where I lived. “Amsterdam,” I promptly told him. “Oh, I know why you’re there,” he smirked. “Why is that?” I inquired. His smile quickly went away and in a serious sort of way asked, “It’s for the weed, isn’t it?” “No, actually not. I’m there to teach people the way of Jesus.” “Come,” he motioned. “Let’s walk away from the piano so we can hear each other better.” I checked my watch and saw we had about 30 minutes until we needed to leave. “Alright, let’s go.”

Further down the hall away from the map of Europe, he began telling how he had stopped playing piano for the past 5 years because of a serious depression. He opened up about his absent father, his lack of desire to continue to live and of other lows he hit. “But I came to you because you were playing so well,” I said. “Obviously something has brought you out of that low. What was it?” “I don’t know exactly. But I can’t help but feel like Life itself got me out of my chaos and now there’s light in my life.” “Sounds like Genesis to me,” I added with a bit of excitement. “Like what?” “Genesis. Do you know the story of creation from Genesis?” “No, I’ve not heard this,” he said plainly.

Personal reflection on John 12:49-50:

God commands something. What is it?

The Eternal First Cause who spoke what we know as existence into place, the one who knitted together not just galactic nebulae with galaxies, but the very fabric of space and time itself, the one in whom all things come from and all things go, the one in which it all holds together — what does that one speak to us now? To us short-lived human beings who busy ourselves with small pursuits that lead to our own demise, generation after generation, what does the Creator say, no, more than that, command to us? We all want to know. Isn’t that what we are all waiting for in all of our interests, relationships, careers, hobbies, endless daydreams? Aren’t we all waiting for that voice to speak so we might know where to go, what to do, who we are? Whether it is damnation or salvation, don’t we simply want to know before taking another step?

But how could the Creator ever say it so that we might understand? Through what medium? In what language? How could we as finite beings ever grasp what the Infinite is saying? Who are we to pretend we could catch such a frequency, interpret such a sign, listen to a voice so outside of our experience? And if we were to receive this command, how could we who are torn apart by war and suffering and death hold onto it?

Here, when we recognize our inability to reach the heavens, we see a Jewish man, despised and rejected, coming to us, claiming to be that voice, that word. Which word? The one we all so desperately long for. The word that unveils what was spoken in the beginning, the word that reveals to us the Creator. What’s he saying? What message does he bring? “The Father who sent me has himself given me a commandment — what to say and what to speak. And I know that his commandment is eternal life.”

We are taken back by this. It’s too wonderful. But it’s not only the command itself that is too wonderful, it’s who we are told is saying it. “The Father who sent me has himself given me a commandment,” the Word says. The Father? Could it really be? Could it really be that when we survey the unfathomable stretches of space containing wonder and void, when we listen to the questions and problems around us in our nations, when we listen to our own plea for healing from within, we hear the voice of a father rising above it all? And not just a father, but the Father crying, “This is my beloved Son! Listen to him!”

That is the Creator’s command, that we listen to his Son. The God of the universe has given us this commandment. We must listen. What is his Son saying? “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink! Whoever believes in me as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’”

That is the word from the Father to us: life and life times infinity. Life coursing through our veins and headaches, tears and seizures, blood cells and infections, heartache and broken bones like a river. That is the word which cost God everything. That is the Word which comes into our limited vocabulary to give us life in relationship forever.

Stand at attention, Death! The Father has commanded Life!

Kaloyan was his name. I couldn’t pronounce it rightly, so he let me call him K. Rahel eventually came to fetch me. I looked at my watch and about 40 minutes had passed since walking away from the piano. K helped us find our bus, which wasn’t too far down the street. I hugged him goodbye and before I knew it, we were on our way to Italy.

Seeing our friends in Italy –– the Blijleven family and Kobus –– was well worth the visit, even considering all the buses (and sometimes missed) trains. To walk the ground they have been sowing into for over a year, to pray with them, worship together, eat beside and simply be with them was a tremendous blessing. But it’s wild for me to consider that had we not visited them, I never would have met K. He had never before heard the gospel. Was that why we were there in the train station that night? Was that why something led us all to go visit Italy?

I don’t know the why behind every event. But I do know there is someone, someone much like a dove carrying an olive branch at the center of it all, who is intervening, more than that, orchestrating our days. If we’re careful enough to listen, I think we can very quickly hear Life himself speaking to us, commanding something, bringing light in. Whether it’s through a map, a mountain range, a spontaneous wrestle, or a broken wrist, there are opportunities all around us to grab onto that word. Are we listening?

[chilling-seavey]

Passchadaele letters between Corbyn and Daniel cause I miss them ~T

I miss these boys so much :( This is a very good insight into their post-war lives so thank you for this! Sorry it took so long! 

(Also, this contains spoilers so only read if you have finished the novel!)

TW // mentions of post-war trauma, PTSD/shellshock, and suicidal thoughts

June 8, 1915

Dear Corbyn,

I hope you are well since arriving home. I am sorry it has been a while for me to write you, things here have been a little crazy. Elizabeth’s alive and well and she picked me up from the train station when we returned. She was sent home early from Belgium and didn’t even know about the bombings of the field hospital. I am so grateful however I can’t find it in myself to feel happy. I’m sure it will fade with time as I settle back into life at home but for now, I will be praying for Christian and Zach and our lost friends.

Elizabeth would love to meet you and your girl one day. She has been absolute thrilled with the idea of making a new friend. We should set something up.

Write me back soon.

Daniel

~~

June 11, 1915

Dear Daniel,

You have no idea how relieved I was to receive your letter! I was starting to think you got lost on your way home from the train station! It is so good to hear about Elizabeth and her safety and good health. Give her a hug for me and tell her that Christine and I would be more than happy to host the two of you whenever you please. I am sure she will be cleaning and baking for days in preparation!

Is your family well? I can’t imagine any of your pain in regard to Christian and the war. I have been praying for your peace every night. I know you mentioned your father isn’t the easiest man so I am hoping you’re hanging in there and keeping your sanity through Elizabeth!

Corbyn

~~

June 15, 1915

Corbyn,

I don’t want to bother you with my nonsense, but it’s been hard. They didn’t know of Christian’s passing, so I had to break the news to them. The formal letter came last week, and mother has cried a lot, not even trying to hide it now; I can’t help but feel her sorrow as well. It feels like he’s in my arms sometimes, like I can feel his body weight in my lap and his blood on my hands and the nightmares are worse. Father has had plenty of angry words for me when I cry even when I’ve hidden it the best I could. I just want it all to stop.

Elizabeth is my best distraction and I’m blessed to have her with me. She’s so patient. Her parents treat me like one of their own…I wish my parents were as understanding as hers are. I am going to ask her to marry me tomorrow. I cannot imagine life without her and when I was forced to, the world felt so much darker. I hope she says yes.

Your friend,

Daniel

~~

June 18, 1915

Dear Friend, Daniel,

That is oh-so exciting about the engagement! I am almost positive she will say yes. Let me know what her exact words were!

You are never bothering me with your letters. You’re like a brother to me and you’re so young, I want to make sure you’re okay; we went through something life changing together, something life ruining together, it’s not easy. You mentioned nightmares? What kind of nightmares, if you don’t mind me asking? I have had a few myself, feeling like I’m back with a rifle in my hand and thousands of lives under my control. Waiting to go over the top. The waiting is the worst.

Just remember that you’re safe now.

Corbyn

~~

June 21, 1915

Dear Corbyn,

Elizabeth said yes before I even could open my mouth to ask her! We were under the tree in her garden and I had my grandmother’s engagement ring in my pocket and barely pulled it out and she was kissing me and telling me she would love nothing more than to marry me. We are hoping to be married when the war is over. I hope it’s soon. Father wasn’t impressed with the engagement as he never liked Elizabeth and how she and her mother are fighting for the women’s vote. I am proud of her though. Mother and Anna are excited for us which I am glad of. I just can’t wait to get out of this house.

My nightmares contain lots of things. Mostly reliving the Kitchener’s Wood attack where I find myself either on the brink of death with its cold grip around my throat or stabbing that German boy over and over and watching the life drain out of him makes me sick to my stomach. Its every night. I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep as I always take hours to fall asleep and I wake up in a pool of sweat. Sometimes the dreams are so real I can’t remember where I am when I wake up. Anna says she can hear me screaming in my sleep often. I want it all to stop. I want to forget it all and get away from the haunting memories of the death and the torture and the chilling and never-ending mud. I want my brother back and I want Zach back and I want to be okay again. I can’t remember what happiness feels like, I can’t remember what rest felt like, I can’t remember calmness. I can’t even shave without being scared of the blade. I’m scared of myself and my own capabilities that I know to be true. What would happen if I accidentally slit my throat with it and bled out just like Christian? I can’t bring myself to even touch the shaving kit.

Elizabeth helps all she can, and I love her for it, but I feel so badly for being miserable and for being such a handful and such a burden for her. I can’t bare to tell her about all this in fear of worrying her or scaring her off. She deserves more than me.

D

~~

June 24, 1915

Daniel,

Listen to me, you’re not a burden to anyone and especially not Elizabeth or to me. It seems you’re suffering from shellshock; it’s a new term that front-line doctors have come up with to describe the mental effects of post-war trauma. You aren’t alone and you’re not the only one going through this, I promise. You aren’t a bad person for killing that German boy. We were ordered to by the government and you hold no responsibility for that. You were fighting for your life and you did what you had to do to survive. You are safe now. Safe with people who love you and are willing to listen to you and care for you. Confide in Elizabeth as much as you confide in me; she has the benefit of being able to be a comfort to you in person. Keep holding on and being the strong man you are; you’re doing great and you will get through this dark patch. I am always here to listen to you and guide you the best I can.

You’re my brother and I love you like my own family.

Your dear friend,

Corbyn

~~

June 30, 1915

Daniel,

I haven’t heard back from you and I’m getting worried. I will stop by your house if I don’t hear word from you in three days. I hope you are just taking some time to yourself with Elizabeth and forgot to reply. Please write me as soon as you get this, even just one word to know you’re still okay.

Corbyn

~~

July 6, 1915

Dear Corbyn,

Mother said you stopped by the other day. I am sorry for worrying you. I have been in bed the last few short weeks because facing the world makes everything feel worse. A woman at the shops had yelled at me, calling me a coward for coming home early when all our other men are still overseas, throwing things at me to get me out of her shop. I think Elizabeth hit her to shut her up, but I can’t remember because I think I blacked out. It all feels hopeless. Father says I’m a disappointment of a son for being such a crybaby; I think he would tell me he would rather me have died in battle than Christian if he wasn’t worried what mother would say to him. I honestly don’t blame him. I wish I did too.

Like you said, I have confided in Elizabeth and she’s been over often to try and help me take my mind off of things. She’s really amazing and I can’t believe she’s mine. I guess things are getting better although it hurts so bad sometimes. Thank you for caring about me so much. I know I have you and Elizabeth when all feels hopeless.

I want to be able to marry her and to watch my kids grow up. I can only pray this war is over soon and I will be able to provide and safe and peaceful life for my children, free from conflict and violence and death. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

We may be out of the gunfire but it’s still a struggle to survive at home. Just taking it day by day for now.

Miss you, brother.

Daniel

[zucca101]

Friendship ending

A lot of people have had friends dump them because they either voted for Trump or don’t hate Trump enough.

And when they are forced to see that the friends they try to dump aren’t horrible people, they perform mental gymnastics to convince themselves that their former friends are horrible people.

The following is a long rant from one such friend of mine and my response. If you recognize who it is, I DEMAND you seek no reprisal from them. I am keeping them anonymous to protect their identity for just that reason.

... A leftist, really now. Ahaha, oh wow.

*Link to the post I made about Lincoln being shot by a Leftist*-Z

Yes, noted Confederate sympathizer and anti-abolitionist John Wilkes Booth. A leftist.I was already keeping you at a healthy arm's length while putting up a vague semblance of friendship for the sake of not rocking the boat on that one server we're in, but holy shit have you ever lost your damn marbles. I can't do this, lmaoI mean, you've got an impressive collection of bullshit on that blog of yours all around, but this? chef kissHonestly, on some level, you impress me. How someone can claim to be anti-establishment while sucking up to the establishment every possible way they can, how someone can claim to be "seeking truth" only to disregard all evidence that can't be traced back to some skeezy reactionary Facebook page or another delivered to you through the impermeable little bubble of right-wingers you've created for yourself along with the right wing side of mass media your purportedly loathe so much... tell me, just how much cognitive dissonance do you deal with on a daily basis?How does it feel to claim to be "pro life", or to claim that you care about others only to push for measures to restrict access to healthcare, or to vehemently yell against anything the government could do that would make it easier for people to come out of the vicious spiral of poverty?(edited)How does it feel to constantly pretend to care about minorities, but only ever use us as gotchas to other minorities that you've internally designated as universally bad in spite of any evidence to the contrary - not to mention, without ever listening to us if we tell you you did something wrong, instead cherry picking those of us willing enough to suck up to the establishment to tell you what you want to hear, so you never have to confront the idea you may have done something wrong?(edited)Hell, isn't that what they call "virtue signaling" in your circles?Beyond your dishonesty to others, ask yourself this: are you even honest to yourself? Aren't you robbing yourself of any kind of personal growth by doing all this? Are you really contributing anything positive to this world by constantly spreading unchecked factoids that instantly fall apart the moment you expose them to any actual scientific sources (you know, the ones people in your general political corner like to call "fake news"), or by spreading the idea that people in dire straits should just pull themselves up by their bootstraps?Or for that matter, by resisting any measure of change towards a fairer society and instead vocally gushing about the virtues of a system that, by its very nature, its very definition, its very -essence- is about fucking over who you can, and quietly plugging your ears to anything you hear about the many negative consequences it has for the world, or the people living in it?Come back to me once you've learned how to maintain a shred of integrity, I suppose. Maybe take some time to reflect on what it means to be a good person. I can't be friends with someone to whom I have to explain why they should care about other people.Goodbye.

This is my response:

In 1865 John Wilkes Booth, a Democrat, assassinated Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States.

In 1881 a left wing radical Democrat shot James Garfield, President of the United States who later died from the wound.

In 1963 Lee Harvey Oswald, a radical left wing socialist, assassinated John F. Kennedy, President of the United States.

In 1975 a left wing radical Democrat fired shots at Gerald Ford, President of the United States.

In 1983 John Hinckley, a registered Democrat, shot and wounded Ronald Reagan and paralyzed a member of his cabinet.

... In 1984 James Huberty, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 22 people in a McDonalds restaurant in San Ysidro, CA.

In 1986 Patrick Sherril, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 15 people in an Oklahoma post office.

In 1990 James Pough, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 10 people at a GMAC office.

In 1991 George Hennard, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 23 people in a Lubys cafeteria.

In 1995 James Daniel Simpson, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 5 coworkers in a Texas laboratory.

In 1999 Larry Asbrook, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 8 people at a church service.

In 2001 a left wing radical Democrat fired shots at the White House in a failed attempt to kill George W. Bush, President of the US.

In 2003 Douglas Williams, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 7 people at a Lockheed Martin plant.

In 2007 Seung - Hui Cho, a registered Democrat, shot and killed 32 people in Virginia Tech.

In 2010 Jared Lee Loughner, a mentalliy ill registered Democrat, shot Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and killed 6 others.

In 2011 James Holmes, a registered Democrat, went into a movie theater and shot and killed 12 people.

In 2012 Andrew Engeldinger, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 7 people in Minneapolis.

In 2013 Adam Lanza, a registered Democrat, shot and killed men, women, and children in the Sandy Hook school massacre.

Leftist? Maybe JWB was, maybe he wasn't. But a Democrat, he assuredly was. Perhaps I overreached in saying he was a Leftist, but I should clarify that when I say 'Leftist' I don't mean 'someone on the Left'. I mean someone who believes The Left is the ONLY way. The same way I draw distinction between Muslims and Islamists. Islamists want to push it on others. Muslims are the broadest defition of those who follow Islam.

And what establishment am I sucking up to....? I don't watch Fox with any kind of regularity. I get most of my facts from self-described 'classic liberals' whose hearts are on the Left, but their minds are more centrist. They have intellectual honesty. I listen to Gavin McInnis to blow off steam, Bill Whittle for the Right of Center take on news and Sargon for Left of Center.

I don't care for the mass media because while I suspected that they were liars and obfuscating before, to finally have iron-clad proof of it is extremely liberating.

And I CHALLENGE YOU to show me where I said that women should not have access to healthcare. Or even hinted at it. What, you think because I know Single Payer is garbage that will create a pile of corpses. I'm against healthcare for women? I've even said that my stance on abortions is that it should be between the woman and her doctor, not the woman, the government, the doctor, some pencil pushers and more. Just as my stance on same-sex marriage is that it should be between a couple and the church of their choice, not to make it legally compulsory and simply flip the oppression over rather than making it fair and equal of measure. And where abortions are concerned, the parental rights of the father are nonexistent. Now, in cases such as incest and rape (Which if you look at the stats, represent a small minority of abortions) still strongly urge the mother to consider life, but if she chooses abortion, while I find it extremely distasteful (The child DOES NOT HAVE A SAY IN THIS) I fully understand and sympathize with the decision.

As for helping people out of poverty, you know what's the BEST way out of poverty that ISN'T a government program?

A job. A simple job. And if the government creates conditions that *encourage* job growth, then you accomplish the same end without making people dependent on the governmnet.

That's not to say that there shouldn't be charity for people who TRULY cannot help themselves. That's a given. But when you extend the scope of those within the perview of the government to give money to to include people who CAN help themselves, then you create dependents. And it's not that they're bad or lazy people. They're taking the least complicated route. If you get more money for not working than you do for working, you'll take the one that affords you free time to spend with your family, friends or on your own pursuits.

Constantly pretend to.... universally bad...? WHAT....? Dude, don't even try that one. Blah-blah, anyone Right of Mao is racist, blah. Pardon my French, but go fly a frikken kite. In my tabletop gaming group, my friend Paul, 2nd Generation Japanese immigrant, is the most decent and kind man I've had the pleasure of knowing. He's a good dad to his kids and a good husband to his wife. My freind Zach is from a huge Filipino family and he's the best GM I've ever met, short of my oldest brother. John grew up in a Cadillac before his parents legally became citizens and came up to America from Mexico. These are guys I trust, literally, with my life. And none of us give a crap what the other looks like.

And I admit, for a while I was 100% not on board with Transsexualism. But since then I've come to stand that an adult who has spoken to a therapist and doctor, sorted out their feelings and decided after consideration that they wish to transition is completely fine by me. It doesn't hurt me or anyone else and if they've spoken to a therapist, then they're not setting themselves up for something regrettable. Now, trans-trenders, who want the status of being special and different, but don't want to go through the heartache and effort of making that transition, I call out for their bullshit, because not only are they full of shit, they're robbing REAL transsexuals of their credibility, their agency and their respect. And for some transsexuals to come out and say 'You don't have a right not to have sex with a transsexual', can't you see how that would rub some folk the wrong way?

Don't even try to talk to me about science, friend. I studied biology, agricultural science and psychology and I know a thing or two and when someone obfuscates or has nothing peer-reviewed, then I get suspicious. Again, I'd sorely love for you to point out where I was 'anti-science'.

And if you're suggesting that Socialism is your fluffy 'Fair Society' then I suggest you travel to Venezuala. I have a friend who lives there and the picture he paints is NOT a pretty one. How do you define a 'Fair society'? Because I define it as a society that rewards effort. You do a hard day's work, you make a fair wage and you work your way up the ladder. You can't try to take luck or privilege into account on EITHER Socialism or Capitalism, because there is no way to quantify the variable of luck and when you look at privelege, then it exists in the pipedream of Socialism too, because the people running it will ALWAYS BE BETTER OFF than the people who are not. That's simple human nature. The Great Wheel of Life as the Buddhists describe still exerts its effect on a Socialist state as much as a Capitalist. But unlike Socialism, at least in Capitalism you have, barring disability, the same shot as anyone else does to earn a good living.

I find it laughable that you sit there, where you are, and decry someone you know through occasional chats as either a good person or a not good person based on arbitrary variables.

See, the truth is that life is not as black and white as that. It's an exquisite composition of greys and other colors.

Sometimes life is good, sometimes life is not, but if you are free to self-determination (Something you DO NOT HAVE IN SOCIALISM) then you have a chance to better yourself. You DARE to accuse me of not caring about people out of one side of your mouth, while, with the other, propping up Socialism, which *DOES NOT CARE* about people to the point that a child is worthy of sacrifice due to SIMPLE INCONVENIENCE?! Sorry, but *fuck* that is the very cognative dissonance you accuse me of in plain and flagrant view.

I push myself to be a good person. I don't hurt people, I volunteer, I help the seniors at my church with many needs, I'm there for my friends and family and will drop what I'm doing to help, I treat everyone working retail with respect and actively try to make their day brighter, I don't care what color someone's skin is, I don't care if someone is disabled (My best friend back in Youth Bowling League and a better bowler than I, was a deaf boy named Arron), and I am generally considered to be very 'chill' in person and am so without chemical intervention. Does that make me a good person? I don't rightly know. I just do the best I can with what I've got. And I don't *dare* to assume that I have moral highground unless it's a truly clear-cut case. I've never killed, raped (Even though 3rd Wave Feminism insists that in every man there is a rapist that needs to be taught not to rape_) or stolen anything (Some shoplifting in my youth notwithstanding). In other words, I try to be a decent and polite person and let the world decide if I am or not a good person.

But what boggles my mind is that the line between good person and bad person is tied DIRECTLY to what side of the political spectrum they fall under. That is simplisticly childish. As is the 'Come back to me when you care about people' nonsense.

I will again wait for you to come to your senses and realize that life is not a cartoon with cartoonishly one-note people.

Genuinely warm regards,

-Zucca

[zalrb]

TVD 1x04 Review

Hi all! Welcome to the fourth review of TVD season 1. Considering that I haven’t like sat down to watch a full episode of the past seasons of TVD in a few years and my memory might not be the greatest I think I will start with my usual disclaimer: I write my thoughts in real time so if I make a mistake at the beginning of this post, it will be corrected by the end. There will be anti-Damon and anti-Delena sentiments (I’m only mentioning these two because it’s the beginning of the series), and in light of recent events I feel the need to say that there may be some anti-Jenna sentiments too. I will probably bring up other shows and call attention to misogynoir, racism, anti-blackness etc. Ready? Let’s go.

1. I always wonder how these dreams work, like how much detail does Damon have to put into it? He has Elena wearing the necklace, Logan Fell is on the TV, he has the details of her room and her kitchen, like how does he create these dreams to terrorize Stefan with? Or does he go into Stefan’s head and Stefan has all these details already there so then Damon just manipulates his memory?

2. You know, sometimes I watch teen shows I watched when I was younger and I can go, yeah I can see why people went crazy for this guy even though he’s a dick. I don’t get that, I cannot see why with Damon.

3. His hair is back to be thoroughly offensive. When do they fix it for good?

4. Stefan throwing a knife at Damon’s chest is still, like, my favourite Defan moment.

5. Damon is so petty, like all he does is hangout in Stefan’s room and terrorize him!

6. “Believe it or not, Stefan, some girls don’t need my persuasion.” Damon, you compelled Caroline, you compelled Andie, and it took a sire bond for you to actually get Elena. Who are you fooling, fam?

7. Another Stefan shirtless shot! Seriously, they totally exploited his abs in season 1. Lmao.

8. OH MY GOD, STEFAN STOP WITH THE VOICEOVER.

9. Lol Jenna and Jeremy are in the other room and Elena just grabs Stefan and kisses him like ok my room upstairs RIGHT now.

10. And I didn’t realize Stefan’s reaction, he has a grin on his face but he’s lookng around like ... Really? Omg they’re adorable.

11. In every makeout/sex scene SE do there’s always a moment where Stefan or Elena pause to look at each other, even if it’s brief, just to have that eye contact.

12. Nina’s sighing pretty hard.

13. I also like how when Elena is like “Maybe we should press pause” and Stefan agrees, he has to go and sit on the other side of the room, like they cannot be on a bed together because it’ll just get that intense again.

14. Also an anon was talking about how they find it interesting the psychology behind a vampie who is in love with someone but still has the urge to feed on them and I responded that Paul was really interested in that dynamic with SE as well and you really do see it in this scene. They’re getting to a very visceral place with the physical contact so that viscera shifts into his vampirism and hunger so he has to press pause, it just adds to a whole other level of angst.

15. “I would be honoured to accompany you, Miss Gilbert.” 1864 Stefan making a comeback.

16. And Elena is fucking loving it.

17. “No yellow, jaundice go for the blue.” “I don’t like the blue.” “Well, I do.” The problem with Damon is that he doesn’t come across as a vampire, he comes across as an abusive boyfriend. With Stefan, he’s a vampire in the simplest things like the fact that he can become a fucking statue when he’s angry or the fact that he will speak a little old-fashioned and of course the fact that his veins appear when he gets too close to Elena, showing that he hasn’t mastered being in society that well. Damon just has the dialogue and the fog and the crow, he just seems like a guy who has a bunch of tricks and murders people because he feels like it so the Daroline dynamic doesn’t even feel like a predator playing with his prey, like it doesn’t feel non-human and human, he’s just abusive.

18. It’s also really sad watching Caroline look at Damon’s bite marks in the mirror. 

19.  “You can be very sweet when you want to be.” This is legit just an abusive dynamic, I don’t even want to say relationship anymore because Caroline has no free will.

20. “And Damon’s not dangerous, he just has a lot of issues with his brother, like major, deep-rooted drama” listening to Caroline speak is like listening to Delena stans.

21. “This country’s dumbed down in the last hundred years.” Oh yeah because enforcing enslavement was the pinnacle of American genius. Fucking writers.

22. Zach was unnecessary and the actor is AWFUL.

23. “I got your punk.” What does that mean exactly, Jeremy?

24. I like how everyone is blaming Stefan for Katherine when Damon is, like, 23 or 25.

25. Elena being like hmm, how do I know if Stefan is a calculating, manipulative lying and Damon is the victim, maybe Bonnie is right, is ridiculous considering that Damon tried to kiss her last episode and she experienced Damon being manipulative and called him out on it saying that it was his intention to make her feel uncomfortable. Like this is so fucking manufactured.

26. Paul’s arms though. And then Ian walks in topless like ... *rolls eyes* put your shirt on.

27. Damon, you would drive anyone to drink, you’re annoying and homicidal.

28. "If I go online will I find it [the pocketwatch] on ebay? Is that how you pay for your pot?” I know she was making a point but like how expensive does she think weed is?

29. “Yes, being a 150 year old teenager has been the height of my happiness” lol Stefan’s dry wit kills me each time.

30. “I’m not some drunk sorority chick, you can’t roofie me” that is a seriously disgusting line. And people want to argue that Damon isn’t a sexual predator?

31. Ian’s hair is OK again, I guess he, like, brushed it.

32. Tyler legitimately brought Vicki into his house through the back. Like that’s rude.

33. Caroline is rude to Liz for no reason, which is why in the later seasons, when they tried to act like she and Liz always had a wonderful relationship I side-eyed it.

34. Elena reading the registry makes me laugh because I remember the bloopers when Nina couldn’t get one name, like she just couldn’t move past it so Paul and the crew made a joke like, think of it as gonorrhea. And that name isn’t in the final cut.

35. “My therapist says I’m acting out... trying to punish Stefan” are you 16?

36. See Damon telling Elena how he and Stefan died without saying how they died and his clear pain over what they did to him and to Katherine would’ve been a storyline I would like to follow more. If he came back to MF to destroy it because of how much he hated it and he chose Caroline to get back at the Founding families, if he was still devastated by what they did but then throughout the season started realizing that Caroline and Tyler and Jeremy and Elena, essentially the descendants of these families, were actual people and developed from that, I think they could’ve had something interesting. And the show has like remnants of this idea throughout season 1 but it isn’t an actual arc for Damon because his arc is supposed to be Elena and he terrorizes the town because he feels like it, it isn’t a statement so he’s just a dick.

37. “Doesn’t it always come down to the love of a woman?” No. And this is Damon’s entire problem.

38. “That’s what you get when you bring the trash into the party” ... Carol, what? Vicki actually did nothing a “respectable” young woman wouldn’t do. Like it just doesn’t even go.

39. Yeah Bonnie is hardly in this episode. Shunted to the sidelnes for no reason. Caroline and Elena haven’t even gone over to her table to see what’s happening. Caroline I forgive because she’s Damon’s puppet right now but Elena, really?

40. I love the way Elena stares at Stefan when they’re dancing and then she giggles to herself because she’s just so happy being with him.

41. “I hope Damon didn’t drive you too crazy.” “No actually, he was on good behaviour” manipulation, Elena, that is what manipulation looks like.

42. Yes, Stefan, Damon is trying to get Elena to turn against you but you not saying anything about yourself isn’t helping matters either. I mean, it makes sense because you’re still fucked up about what Katherine did to you but you gotta budge a little, honey.

43. Oh hey Elena, talking to Bonnie who you left alone all night to bitch about your boy problems?

44. Carol didn’t even say hi to Bonnie.

45. There’s actually no reason why Damon had to bring Caroline to this.

46. I also don’t care at all about Jenna and Logan.

47. “I’m sorry, I take it all back, you are completely right about Damon”, but like Elena wasn’t even defending Damon in the previous scene, so ... what? 

48. “I’m handling it.” “Handling it? Stefan, you should be having him arrested.” Elena, why don’t YOU have him arrested? You saw the bite marks and you told Damon to stay away from her OR you’ll tell her mother, what is with the show and having characters threaten to do something they should just DO? Like, I would understand it if Elena doesn’t quite know what to do in the situation and thought she did a good job by telling Damon to stay away from Caroline because she IS 16 but her getting mad indignant at Stefan is like ... or you could do what you’re telling him to do?

49. Vicki and Jeremy, is just. Ugh.

50. Seriously this scene between Damon and Caroline is fucking terrified, rewatching it really just emphasizes just how awful the show is for the Daroline friendship.

51. And Damon being broken hearted over Katherine does not excuse this behaviour.

52. I just, how does Elena not remember hugging Caroline who was breaking down in her arms saying “I’m fine, I’m fine” every time she’s with Damon? Like how she does she just block that out?

53. Oh, ending it on the utterly useless council.

I don’t know, man, these early episodes just reaffirm my hatred for Damon.

[team-adults-blog]

4.03 The Four Horsemen

A Reaction: Apologizing for the map upfront. Not as funny or with as good of an analysis aspect as 4.02, but my reactions to kabby will always be prime. 

NYKOOOOOO I love him so much. Dang they 40+ on the way.

Lol Abby is either the only sensible one or overly dramatic because she’s the only one who covers her face before approaching.

All the animals are dyinggggg noooooooooo

Hold up. When did Octavia get a kick-ass sholder tat? This is definitely a major step in her assimilation into grounder culture. It’s more than just Indra accepting her now- maybe it’s only trikru at the moment and she gets the tattoo from them, but it’s still a big step from last season when she’s still getting hate from them. Sure she’s always going to get hate for being an outsider, but probs more from killing everybody now. Kudos. It’s rad.

Indra “I’m so proud” Roan one death to save thousands, it’s good politics. Indra has the warrior daughter she’s always wanted, but has it gone too far?

Dr. Squad all with crossed arms. What a posse. So happy for Sachin. His promotion shots on instagram made me even happier. 

These like 6 people are all that’s left of Luna’s people… So fish are not friends. Or food.

Yo check out this groovy map of the mid-Atlantic. Here’s the fun part where I waste way too much time trying to pinpoint where these places are using google maps. 

[Skip if you don’t have time right now or are just rude]

Polis=Baltimore/ Dc, looks a little above DC based on the Bay. It makes sense for Polis not be in DC because Trikru is. Tondc/ Ton DC was like “Washington DC” on a road sign and Lincoln got his name from the Lincoln memorial, which we get a glimpse of in S1.

Mount Weather= Looks to be around Luray area- which is really interesting to me because the cave/ tunnels would check out. A caving plug: Luray and Grand Caverns have really great features, but they’re dead. Railings and steps and lights have been put in everywhere to make it more accessible for folks, but more importantly to bring in a ton of money. To see Living caves in the valley, my brother is a cool dude who takes his students- and more importantly me- to see neat things without harming the cave like some punk ass bitch yanking stalactites off the ceiling.  

Arkadia= Looks to be around Culpeper… but if it was slightly more south (because the map Raven has is shit, but I’ll get to that) I could argue it’s between Charlottesville (!!!) and Culpeper, although more towards Culpeper. Like Orange/Madison counties. Literally no one cares about this but me because that is my homeland. Also TJ, Monroe (the president, not the dead character from this show that I should get back to…), and J Maddy-Mads. Zach-attack (this also works because he was a major general, not just for the rhyme) Is actually the closest to Arkadia- his house is in barboursville which puts him 25 min closer to Culpeper than TJ and Monroe. GW is up by Ton DC. Wilson is southwest of Arkadia. I don’t know/care enough about where Tyler and William Henry Harrison were from and I’m not going to look it up. This history/ geography lesson was brought to you by the Mother of Presidents, and viewers like you. Thank you.

Luna’s Rig= Somewhere off of DE/NJ coast. They might go back there, but otherwise I honestly don’t care where exactly the rig is. Like. Nyko just said that 40 people died on their way to Arkadia and Luna’s like this is all that’s left of my people. Soooooo… sorrynotsorry

Becca’s Island- I struggled figuring out what that said. I’m leaning towards it being a fictional island because the only thing I can think of it being is Sandy Hook. However, there seems to be land in the bay, soooo Sandy Hook would be part of the continental land mass instead of an island. If the picture wasn’t so wonky the only argument would be for Sandy Hook. I believe it’s only listed here because it will become plot relevant later this season when the tech team decided they need to access Becca/ A.L.I.E.’s drone or something to monitor radiation.

Note: The coastlines don’t match up perfectly. At first I was excited they’d taken rising sea levels with climate change into account, but that should make the bay larger and thus the gap between eastern Maryland/ Delaware and DC larger. So some of the Virginia coast looks good, but the east coast is on a passive margin (I took Geology guys can you tell), which means that it’s not colliding into another plate and thus being squished in on itself or mountain building (this is happening in the middle of the Atlantic) like on the U.S. west coast. But at the end of the day, I don’t think they really considered this when creating that map because 1) some areas are larger than they are now (like Long Island is now a peninsula instead of an island), indicating receding seas while 2) some coasts are cut off indicating rising sea levels. Basically. They would have been fine using a regular map from the internet. Not sure why they decided to render this shitty one or what purpose making their own serves. Maybe they don’t have rights to steal from the internet…?

You, the reader are now thinking, “who the fuck cares? That map was visible for under 30 seconds. all we were supposed to recognize is that it’s the VA/DC/MD area. Let’s move this train along I want to hear about things that actually matter.” And to this I say, you are not wrong. Let’s go. This 15 sec clip took me an hour to analyze and I’m not proud.

[Resume reading non-geography post here if you skipped. There were some jokes in there... not good ones]

Bellamy’s face at “choosing who lives or dies is your specialty” Ouch. Clarke can’t get a break. First Jasper, now Raven. Good thing he’s always on her side.

Someone’s taking the rover. My gut thought: is it fucking Jaha? Oh wait. Jasper’s problematic too and would pull that. Nope. Fucking Jaha. Your gut is always right. 

Naturally, radical Jaha who went off to find the city of light is not encouraging a trip to go find a doomsday bunker by a religious fanatic. Raven is the skeptic voice of ME. Like hey guys, remember when he did this last time? If it’s not real Clarkiepoo gonna make that list. I like

DOOMSDAY CULT MAN SAYS “there is a way out of the darkness. I can show it to you. You can be saved. Join me…” okokokokokok. Abby stays behind in Arkadia to show them the way out of the darkness. Then she is forced to take the chip and gets the rest of the camp to join her in the CoL. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

DAD AND NATE ON GUARD DUTY TOGETHER. MY HEART. DAD MILLER IS GREAT. I like Miller Sr.

Raven x Abby

Alright. Time to defend mom. Raven’s position of wanting to save the pills- because it’s too late for them to work on Luna’s people- is understandable. Abby’s desire to save people is also understandable. I happen to love Raven x Abby scenes because they’re both so stubborn and both usually have equally strong, but different arguments. Dr. Abby probs should not have told her eldest daughter she’s killing this child. Howeverrrrr my mother, Abby, and even I, with my son VPJB, understand the power guilt has over your children. My son tried to attack a shadow for 45min today so I’m still choosing my battles. Back to the show- the emotion they bring as actors is fantastic. I’d like to pull their history out of the back of your head. Abby and Raven meet because they both have someone who went down in the dropship they desperately want to see. They bond. They trust each other and sass each other and Abby tells Raven to go down without her. Raven tells Clarke how great her mom is at a time when Clarke thinks floating Jake is still 100% her mom’s fault. Raven gets shot, Abby frickin saves her life and she only has one lame leg instead of being paralyzed from the waist down. Kudos Dr. Abby. BUT. Raven hurts, and chronic pain is rough on people, so you’ll lash out. Raven calls Abby out for being a crappy chancellor and doctor. Abby hits her. She’s instantly sorry she lost her temper and they’re distant but not terrible. Despite some heated moments, they’re fam. Abby adopts everyone she sees, and Raven, with only Finn in S1 becomes family. Then Finn dies. Then her mentor Sinclair (who I really really really really really liked and wish got more developing prior to THAT episode [sidenote: I hate when secondary/ tertiary characters get developed just so they the audience feels some emotional investment that turns into pain. Especially within the same episode. Except they’re only there for that one episode to drive another character’s development as in the dying child (Adrian) Luna brought.], so now Abby and her friends are all she has. There’s love there, which doesn’t make talking to each other ok, but I’m confident they’ll forgive each other.  It hurts more because of the love.

Murphy steals medicine to help a sick kid. Important because his father got floated for stealing him medicine when he was a sick child, and the medicine ended up not working. Abby knows better than to ask where he got it. She’s broken the law to save people before. Yay Jackson being sweet with this child. I frickin love Nyko too. He’s one cool dude.

Octavia x Indra x Gaia

Mom saves her daughter. Octavia is like oh nooo here let me help you up, my b. Another mother daughter conflict. But this time really related. Indra: My daughter was meant to lead armies. My daughter was meant to lead our people. Me and Gaia: looks like you got that after all. This scene was great. A parent who cannot understand their child. So common and yet this is the best portrayal of that I’ve seen, mainly because it wasn’t “But basketball’s your dream!” “No, Dad. basketball is your dream, not mine!” Octavia comes up with a plan to save the flame and Indra’s daughter. Loyal to Indra over Roan. I love that. Ilian’s sledgehammer was entirely too dramatic. Should have spent the money used on that effect for Raven’s map. I’ve got a bone to pick with Kirk Douglas or Michael Cliett- whomever was in charge of that. Not bitter. Omg Gaia is so sweet and lovely. I love her. I want her to stick around. Don’t let the radiation get her!

Bellamy + Clarke  x  Jaha

Leadership is lonely, it’s good she has you. You keep her centered. Obviously Jaha sees Clarke as the leader and Bellamy as her sidekick/ compass more than an equal? I feel like they co-lead well Together. Wink. You’ve got it backwards. Nice. But Jaha is giving Bell some questionable advice here- he’s saying stop blaming yourself for the massacre, you were doing what you though was best for your people, and as long as that’s true, you don’t need redemption. Sort of, Jaha. You may think you’re right, but someone is yelling at you that you’re wrong (i.e. Abby x Kane S1 culling, Kane x Boris S3 massacre), so you actually might need some redemption, maybe for your people to accept you, maybe for your soul. Kane goes off in search of redemption and atonement after he realizes the way of life on the Ark doesn’t have to be how life on Earth is. Bellamy, realizes slaughtering a village of non-militant grounders is wrong as he’s taking part in it. That’s why he convinces Pike to let Indra live. Yes, they both think they’re right, but when they realize, even in hindsight how wrong they were, they feel guilty. Jaha on the other hand is very set in this “That’s what I thought at the time and I won’t let the present change how I see my past actions.” He’s much more cold and cognitive than emotional, even with himself. Jaha’s all like, dude get over it, how many people do you have to save before you forgive yourself.

I’d say Jaha has been distant enough in that he’s been off by himself for most of the plot, or at least separated from the core group, to merit his comment on the state of Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship seriously. He has plenty of background with Clarke- his son was her best friend, their families were close pre-S1. Anyone can see Bellarke works well together, but Jaha’s outsider-insightfulness that everyone else may be too close to see (or too close to tell one of them) is that they center each other.

The List

First, can we talk about the Kabby couch parallel? Abby is snoozin at the start of S3 so peacefully and Kane glances over before going back to his sector mapping. ON THAT SAME COUCH is a peacefully sleeping Bellamy for Clarke to glance over at. He makes the list. I wonder if Riley did. Is Clarke reserving spots for grounders too or just sky people/ people in Arkadia? Bellamy gets spot 99. Good. Awe. He writes her name for her. Good job. Bellarke fans are screaming. Now we put it away... Y’all did a bang up job of that. Fold it once and put it in the OPEN CUBBY of the desk? No one will ever find it there. Snooping Jasper and Monty looking for their long lost weed never will. Oh wait. 

Funny how we’ve got another group of “100.” It’s always good to remember your roots.

End Thoughts Me: SHE’S A NIGHT BLOOD YOU DON’T HAVE TO RUN TESTS ABBY (and also you could have said “I’d like to run tests” slightly less creepily to a person who’s not the biggest fan of technology.) Abby and Clarke 20 seconds later- yeah there’s another variable here. yeah she a nightblood. Very happy Jackson got so many lines, even if they were tiny and sometimes in the background, he was in the conversation.

Noteworthy Absences and How I Feel About Them

Marcus Kane- I knew it was coming. I’m sure something big is happening with Octavia in the next episode. I thought the balance between Polis’ Octavia x Indra plot was well balanced with the Arkadia and Jaha x Bellarke plots. They were all satisfactorily interesting, a relief after Jaha’s 2B/3A plotlines. Adding a diplomatic Kane plot would be too much. He would have crowded Indra and her daughters’ scenes too. I’m good, but he was missed.

Harper McIntypre- She could have been standing guard with the Millers? Nate and Harper are besties. I like it. But then I want her to develop, so I’d rather her sit this one out and have meaningful airtime in another (or the next) episode.

Bryan- Also could have been on guard with the Millers. I actually would be really interested in seeing Bryan and Sergeant David Miller interact. Then again, He and Nate just had a fight last episode over fundamentally different beliefs, so they need air. In this case I do NOT want to have Miller Sr. interacting with them. He’s already had enough awkward interrupting couple-moments. I think he needed to be absent. There were already three plot lines and Briller drama would have pulled the show in too many directions, as with Kane. I’m cool with that.

Monty Green/ Jasper Jordan- This was a mother-daughter conflict episode with a splash of following Jaha’s whims. They didn’t fit. I’m cool with that. They’re going to find that letter Clarke should have hid in her pillowcase next week.

Echo- I’m bitter. She should have yelled at someone. What a badass.

Riley- Who is this dude. I just looked on IMDb and he’s in 6 episodes. Everyone seems to know him. I need to be part of that.

I felt we needed a refresher on full names…or lack there of...

I have no life and am very lonely. But it’s my own fault. so that’s just a nice explanation of why I have time to do this...

[thezacharywinters]

Alone Time [Zope]

@hope-robinson

[Hope]

Hope went to the one place she knew no one would go look for her. She went to Misty’s hideaway cave and took off the necklace as and put it down as well as the clothes. She started to remove her clothes and left them on the ground, leaving her bra and panties before climbing into the water. 

[Zach]

Zach got a message from Nibs saying that he let Hope go home. He was told she was really upset when he arrived at the dungeons so that Zach should keep an eye out for her. When Hope didn’t return home in a reasonable amount of time, Zach knew that something was wrong. He called Jay to come and watch the kids. Then he set out to find Hope, he used his dragon sense since they were more sensitive than his normal senses to track her down to Misty’s hideaway cave. 

Shifting back, he knocked on the wall so that she knew he was there. “Hope? Are you here?” 

[Hope]

She heard Zach’s voice and came up from under the water. “Yeah I’m over here.” She said pushing her wet hair out of her face and laid back against the wall.

[Zach]

Zach walked over to where she was, “Your dad told me that he released you from the dungeons when I was about to call you to see if you wanted to say goodnight to Henry. He was getting rather fussy but I was able to get him to go to sleep. Do you mind if I join you?” 

[Hope]

“Sorry...my phone...broke.” She said before nodding. “Yeah come on in.” She replied looking at him.

[Zach]

Zach stripped off his clothes and put them off to the side before joining Hope in the water. “So...what made you want to come here?” He asks out of curiosity. 

[Hope]

Hope moves slightly to give Zach some room and shrugged as she looked at the water. “It’s very calming. I just wanted some place I could go where I felt at peace.”

[Zach]

“I don’t blame you. You went through a lot today…” He maneuvers himself so that he could sit behind her. His hands coming up to her shoulders. “How about I give you a massage to help you relax a bit more?” Zach offers up.  

[Hope]

She rested back against him and shook her head as she moved his hands to wrap around her waist. “Can you just hold me?” She asked softly.

[Zach]

“Of course I can.” He smiles before kissing her neck affectionately as he wrapped his arms around her waist and just holding her as she asked. Zach nuzzled his head against the crook of her neck and he can feel his own body starting to relax. 

[Hope]

Hope smiled softly as he kissed her neck and relaxed against him, feeling better already. “I’m sorry I lost our baby.” She said as she let her thumb run affectionately across his arm.

[Zach]

“Baby girl it’s okay, it’s not your fault. We can always try again.” He lets his thumb rub in small soothing circles against her stomach. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Zach teases. 

[Hope]

“I know baby. I know you aren’t going anywhere.” She smiled before frowning slightly as she thought about it. “You...when my mom’s emotions come back on I don’t want you to tell her that we lost the baby at dinner. I want you to lie, for me. If she knows it would destroy her and I need my mom. Despite what happened tonight..I will always need her. So for me, I just want you to lie.”

[Zach]

"Then what are we supposed to tell her? Unless we planned on trying again soon so that she doesn't realize it." Zach explains while looking at Hope. "Everyone always needs their parents but at some point from where I am from, they won't be. It's sad but sometimes that is just how life is." 

[Hope]

Hope pulled away and shook her head. “You don’t get it Zach.” She said swimming away from him. “It’s fine. I highly doubt my mom will ask you anyway so I can handle it. Forget I said anything.” She said.

[Zach]

"You are right I don't. I never had parents like you do. Mine just sold me off to my life here. I never had any parents that cared." He sighed before pulling her closer. "I won't tell her. I can come up with something else. But even if I don't understand it, instead of walking away, how about you try to explain it to me. I want to be able to understand Hope." 

[Hope]

She felt him pulling her closer and didn’t fight him because she liked being in his arms. Zach made her feel protected and loved and she just needed that right now. “I have seen my mom nearly dead before and I cannot go through that again. She was lying in a tub and had these pill bottles around and then when my dad came in he lost his shit. I know they both just think I forgot or that my memory made it seem like some dream but I know it’s not and that’s something I live with Zach. So if lying to her about how I lost our child will help save her why wouldn’t I? I would do it for anyone so that I never have to feel that way again.”

[Zach]

"Oh...I heard about that before but not the full story. I understand why you might think that is a good idea. I mean I don't think she would ask how we lost them...and besides even if I lied, what happens if one of the guards decide to tell her? I don't want you to have to go through that again either. I don't even know what I would do if I found someone I loved like that. I would be beyond heartbroken...please promise that you will come to me if things ever get that bad. I promise I won't flip out, we can talk through it because I rather us talk about something like that instead of you hiding the pain." 

[Hope]

“I’m in pain now Zach.” She said softly as she shook her head. “Nevermind, I’ll get over it.” She replied getting out of his arms. “My dad will make sure the guards say nothing and they are too afraid to make him upset.” She said before going under the water.

[Zach]

"I know I can feel it. Hope you don't have to have that mindset. It's okay to be upset." He tells her before she goes underwater. 

[Hope]

Hope’s eyes flashed blue but she squeezed them shut and just ignored how his words made her feel before she started to just swim.

[Zach]

Zach figured he would just stay and keep her company since he knew that no one should be alone at a time like this. They both should be with each other instead. He watched her swim around and relaxed in the tub. 

[Hope]

She stayed underwater for a while before coming up and pushing her hair behind her and out of her face. She swam over to the other side of the pool and rested her head on her arms.

[Zach]

Zach saw her swimming to the other side of the pool before going over to where she was and wrapping his arms around her waist. “What can I do to make you feel better then? How can I help you so that you don’t feel so much pain?” 

[Hope]

She felt him wrapping his arms around her again and smiled softly. “You can keep holding me for one.” She told him playfully. “I don't know what else you can do. I’ve never felt like this before.”

[Zach]

Zach just holds her in his arms. “Well I can definitely do that for you.” He smiles while looking at the other before kissing her cheek. 

[Hope]

She smiled softly as he kissed her cheek and laid her head back against her arms. “Is it weird that even though you are someone I shouldn’t have ended up with that you are the only person who can just hold me and make me feel better?”

[Zach]

“Who is to say that we shouldn't have ended up together?” He asks while looking at her. “The only reason you might think we weren’t supposed to is because of what other people have told you.” 

[Hope]

“Come on Zach, you heard my mom. I knew how old you were when I hit on you, I mean well I guessed. I knew I shouldn’t have slept with you and yet I did. I knew you were a pirate and I knew by your tattoos that you weren’t necessarily a good boy. I wasn’t supposed to be with you.”

[Zach]

"Yeah just because you didn't fall in love with your best friend like you mom did, doesn't mean that we shouldn't be together." He explains while looking at the other. 

[Hope]

“God Zach it’s like you hear one thing I say and make your own definition for what it means.” She said pushing him off of her and climbing out of the pool. “Please just leave me alone.” 

[Zach]

"I know what you mean but why do you have to put limits on things Hope? Just because someone has certain expectations doesn't mean you have to follow them. I guess I was lucky then because I always hoped I would find someone like you." 

[Hope]

“I am not putting limits on things. Everything in my life I have done and no one wanted me to do them. I just did because that is who I am but I am not going to sit here and say that those expectations or limits don’t exist. You knew you shouldn’t have fallen for me either. I know you at least thought it. I don’t know why you have to sugarcoat everything.” She said moving to grab her clothes.

[Zach]

"I know I shouldn't but if we never did we wouldn't have found each other, we wouldn't have had our amazing kids or family together. Isn't our family more than worth it for us to have risked what we did to be with each other." 

[Hope]

“I literally didn’t say anything about that. For fucks sakes I just brought up the fact that no one but you makes me feel protected and how if we look at the facts we shouldn’t be together. I never said anything about our fucking family.” She snapped. 

[Zach]

"You made it sound like you didn't want us to be together. You feeling safe in my arms has nothing to do with facts of us not being together. Why are you getting so defensive?" 

[Hope]

“God Zach just stop.” She said shutting him off and just shaking her head. “Do not fucking follow me.” She said before grabbing her clothes and just walking out, not bothering to but then back on.

[Zach]

Zach stopped her from leaving and pinned her to the wall. "What do you think you are doing? Why are you pushing me away and getting so upset? Do you wish you were with Ken is that it? You wish you felt safe in his arms instead of mine just because that's what your mom wants, is that it?" 

[Hope]

Hope felt her back hitting the wall and groaned as her eyes turned red. Hearing his words only made her that much angrier and she pushed him off of her before slapping him. “Fuck you.” She said softly. Before pushing past him and continuing to leave.

[Zach]

"No, you are not leaving." He growled while pulling her back to him. "We are going to talk about this Hope. You can't just walk away when things get hard." 

[Hope]

“No stop fucking touching me.” Hope snapped pulling away from him. “I am not talking about so fucking stupid. I don’t want Ken. I have said that and I am so sick of you saying it. I am so fucking over it. So you want to harp on it, do it by your fucking self and leave me alone.” She growled before throwing her clothes at him. “Again Zach, fuck you.”

[Zach]

"You don't but your mom says you are so fucking conflicted about him which is why you keep going and asking her for advice on it so stop fucking lying to me. Just because you say it doesn't mean you mean it, for all I know you could be saying that because you think that is what I want to hear."

He picked up her clothes before grabbing her wrist hard enough to bruise and turning her to him. "Don't you walk away from me." He growled as his eyes were bright red and the embers were floating around him preventing her from seeing where she would be going. 

[Hope]

Hope felt his harsh grasp on her wrist and tried to pull away and winced at how tight he was holding onto her. “Let me go Zach.” She said trying to pull her arm away. “I will do whatever the fuck I want.” She said before seeing the embers in the air.

[Zach]

"You aren't going anywhere until you talk to me. Do you or do you not still have feelings for him? Did your mother lie tonight is that what you are telling me? You never went to her to ask about who to choose? You never asked her why you fell for someone who you weren't supposed to?" He growled as his wings popped out and enclosed around them. 

[Hope]

“You are fucking hurting me. Stop.” She said before feeling herself being brought closer to him by his wings. “Oh go fuck yourself. I do not have feelings for him and I never fucking asked her that so let me go. Seriously I am not joking.”

[Zach]

"Then why would she say that? Why would she bring that up? You know how much I hate that." He growled.

[Hope]

“Because she has no emotions. She doesn’t care. I can’t fucking stop her from bringing up what she wants to. Now let me go.”’

[Zach]

"She said she talked to you about it before dinner. Why would she mention that in that convo. No one knew he was back except you and me so why would she get this bright idea he is back?" He growled. "She wouldn't know unless you brought him up so why?" 

[Hope]

“Of course I told my mother he was back. I tell her everything you ass. I told her what he said and that was her advice.” 

[Zach]

"What did he say to you...why wouldn't you tell me? I thought we agreed no secrets?" He asks before releasing his hold from her wrist. His wings still keeping her from walking away from him. "Why didn't you trust me?" 

[Hope]

She looked at her wrist when he let go and could see how bruised it was and lowered as she held it with her other hand. “Yeah you also said you wouldn’t hurt me.” She said. “You never asked. You had your own ideas of what happened when I came home. He didn’t say anything new Zach. He just said he missed me and still has feelings for me.”

[Zach]

Zach saw what he did to her wrist and he cringed. "Sorry…why can't he just leave you alone then? I can bet you he will probably disappear again. Then come back again in the future to try to win you back like he did. I am sorry for doubting you its just...its just like you said...we weren't supposed to be together and sometimes I think that maybe one day you will actually believe that and leave me for him and there won't be anything I can do about it." 

[Hope]

Hope just shrugged. “It’s fine. I will put ice on it or something.” She said before rolling her eyes. “Today of all days Zach I just needed you to trust me. I love you. I was thrown in a freaking dungeon for you. I...I don’t know what more I can do to prove that I chose you.” 

[Zach]

"I do trust you Hope. I trust you more than anything and that scares me so much. I have so much trust in you, you have the power that could break me. Do you know how scary it is to have all your trust in one person? I have never had this much trust in anyone, not even Jack. Never in my life have I relied on someone as much as I have opened up and relied on you. That scares me. That honestly scares me." His aura turns to one of sadness and anxiety. 

[Hope]

“Yes Zach, I do know. Because I feel the same. There are so many things you know about me that no one else knows. You have seen me break down more times then my own family has. You know more about what happened in my childhood then my parents do. I have the same fears as you. So I do get it.”

[Zach]

"So you know why hearing about your mother wanting you to be with him and hearing you were getting advice from her could upset and scare me. I am sorry for earlier, I didn't mean to…" He looked at her wrist. 

[Hope]

“Of course I understand but you don’t have to piss me off or start a fight because of it.” She said before seeing him looking at her wrist. “I said it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

[Zach]

"Let me at least get you some ice please." Zach asks as his wings retracted back into his back. 

[Hope]

“Let’s just go home Zach.” She said as he put his wings back and she moved away from him.

[Zach]

"Okay we can go home...you might want to put some clothes on first though." He teases slightly. 

[Hope]

Hope just bent down to grab her clothes and slid them on. “Better?”

[Zach]

"Much better." He smiles before taking her hand gently and letting them walk home. 

[Hope]

Even though Hope wanted to pull away, she didn’t. She was much too exhausted to continue to fight with Zach. So she just let him hold her hand. She kept thinking about the fact he didn’t let go, even when she told him it was starting to hurt he just kept holding on to her. 

[Zach]

Zach can tell there is something wrong but he was really tired from their fight. He knew he pushed things too far and his assassin mode kicked in. 

[Hope]

When they got home, Hope unlocked the door and saw Jay in the house but honestly she wasn’t in the mood to even talk to her. She took her hand away from Zach’s and went upstairs to their bedroom to get in the shower.

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #5: "my wig is scalped. i am ascending, friends." - Jake

Just realised I forgot to confess about my winner pick yet. I have predicted correctly both the the times I have done this. Looks like this is the only thing I am good at in ORG's so why not keep the trend going. With that said, my winner pick for this season is Zac...wait nooo. I said I am done with playing nice. Gotta give myself a chance , so my winner pick is Karthik. GG

Okay so the swap continues to be great! Basically my relationship with Zach has improved a lot so hopefully he is down to work with me! And it would depend on what he wants if they wanna eliminate Jake or not, I personally don’t care lmao but I think that maybe keeping Jake might help me to have options with the original Kato aswell (who Idc about but as I said I can’t close that door) but anyways I really don’t wanna have to decide yet so I wanna win this challenge more than anything right now.

We going full crackhead

not much has changed. we are immune again, and so i'm final 12 (which is the common # for merge, but i anticipate otherwise this game). it's exciting because my main goal right now, bar winning/jury, is just single digits, and i think that's achievable.

on my current tribe, i think i trust karthik the most. i speak to him daily & we have fun conversations, and he likes to mock me which is really fun for me. tim i trust but we have been lacking conversation (though i believe that's due to inactivity opposed to us being weird). i already went through miguel & jake in my last confessional so i'm not going to regurgitate that. i love all 4 of these men so much.

i can't help but think i'm majorly fucking up with my physical side. i really carried in the puzzle immunity, which was a public immunity. this means that other tribes are going to notice me. on top of that, i was in a majority like i deadass could've lost and have been fine (afaik). i sent ally/liam to tribal in the minority (luckily they thrived) & i sent another og-takagi majority to tribal and i lost one. odd, but whatever. i'm just paranoid i think because my biggest thing is skewering others perceptions of me and i think i'm making it much harder by performing exceptional in most challenges.

i'm thriving tho. i lost my trail of thought but... king. love u all. i am talking to a friend about driving n life but there was something i wanted to fucking talk about im STRESESDDDDDD. idk. yeehaw.

oh i remembered - the exile decision. though this wasn't for the complete round, it was so stupid for tim to suggest 'jess' and 'stephen' or something. like???? sister???? either send alyssa so she lacks connection & they boot her or send someone else. idk. it made no sense to weaken the social game of one of our own, but maybe he's playing it odd. regardless, miguel and i spoke in pms about it and we were on the same page (and i made a mistake of saying ''hope they vote alyssa out'' or something similar, which isn't ever my game (to elaborate: i never directly say anything but rather insinuate because im ditzy n dmubb :p)). it was just annoying like maybe i'm overthinking it but ... bye.

im getting like 7th-10th i know it.

I’m ecstatic right now, my tribe won immunity and I have officially broken my Survivor ORG record. It’s also looking like an og Takagi is goi g home tonight which helps as going into merge I want as many og kato as possible. I’m a little wary of Stephen at this point but that’s the game of Survivor. Stephen is a strong player and while I like working with him, I think he needs to be voted out down the road because he is definitely a strong strategic player like me, maybe a stronger one. Right now I need to focus on getting back into the game as I definitely was limited for the past few challenges. It showed in this challenge as I helped my tribe win the challenge. The merge is coming soon and I’m hoping to make the merge and continue showing a new side of myself, like David did in Milennials vs Gen X. Doing this helped David excel in his game and it’s helping me excel in my season of Survivor. I’m pushing myself to see just how far I can go and see if maybe I can win this competition.

So glad we won, tribals are dumb. Would’ve liked to vote out Liam though. Still, can’t wait to be the only Stephen left in the game, Stephen Prime, Stephen Supreme.

It just feels like a repeat of my previous ORG where I make the merge without ever going to tribal council and get voted out soon after. I am not so sure if this is a good thing for me. Its getting a bit boring. I want to play the game, be part of strategy talks, organize a blindside. get blindsided etc etc. These are the fun parts of the game imo and I feel these are about to happen as I am expecting the merge soon.  Hope I do not flop like my last game and last for a longer while this time around. Zach seems to like Miguel and Miguel has been feeding a lot of info to Zach. Probably they know each other from the past or something but either way they appear to be close. Zach had been planting seeds in my mind, saying more than once that Miguel seems to be cool and loyal whereas Jake is sketchy. I personally seem to connect better with Jake and feel like he is a better person to work with for me personally. He is a strong competitor and even if he doesnt happen to be the loyal kind of player, he is more of a threat and its likely that he would be targeted later in the game which are the kind of players I need around whereas I find Miguel to be a less threatening player who could slip under the radar and steal your spot at the end. I believe there would have been a push for Jake to go if we had lost but glad that didn't happen coz I do not wish to create any waves yet and cannot afford to go against King Zach's words. Fun fact - Zach has added me in 4 alliances within the past 2 days but none of those are with people in the game :)

Daniel leaving at the last vote has been a big blow to my game, but it wasn't the worst-case scenario. With me and Jess still in I still have my most trusted ally on the tribe. I questioned Alyssa about having the idol since apparently I do that to all of my allies now, but she said she didn't have it. She brought up the possibility that there was only one Hallway idol available for everyone, and while I'm not sure I totally believe that explanation she did admit that she has reached 100.

We came up with a plan last night, where she convinces Isaac that the plan is to flip me and vote Jess out. Assuming Alyssa is loyal to the plan and Isaac buys it, I shouldn't be getting any votes tonight. I'll tell Jess everything when she gets back and hopefully this vote will be 3-1. But even if Alyssa is lying to me, there's a chance Jess might find something in the basement. And if she does, well.... I'll be trying to use it to "both" of our benefits ;)

So woahhhh that double tribal huh!! I did not see either vote out happening. TJ went out on a unanimous vote and Ratboi played an idol into a split vote!!! I wonder what TJ did or failed to do in order to get voted out. Did his enemies end up on the tribe with him? And what about Ratboi. When did he get an idol? Was this from Kato or the basement?? Who split the vote in the first place? I have many questions and not too many answers as of now.

Ok so here is what I concluded so far. TJ, Jake, Alyssa, and Stephen W (The Australian) are one side of the old Kato and the other side was Miguel, Fredrico, Isaac, and Luke.

TJ ended up with Luke in the swap but Stephen W on his side so I am confusion??? Ally and Liam were there as well so idk.

So we win the challenge and I am PUMPED. Our tribe managed to work together and draft some potential questions as well as help one another out during the challenge. I managed to get a score of 7 which is dope!! Oh and our tribe also finished in first place meaning we got to send someone from the losing tribe into the basement.

The losing tribe was Atila 2.0 which consisted of Jess, Alyssa, Isaac, and Stephen Z. Now I initially thought the person going into the basement was immune so I suggested Alyssa because I know that she is aligned with Jake and I wanted to try and work with them at merge potentially. However, once I discovered that the basementee would return I switched up and supported Jake in wanting to send Jess. This was great for me because Jess is my ally and I didnt immediately suggest her so that sheds some weight off my shoulders. But umm I was also kinda rude and I stiff armed Miguel from trying to send Isaac back there. I know that they are aligned so I could not allow that to happen. I made the decision for the tribe and @'d Anna to let her know that the tribe (Aka me....) had decided on Jess. Now this could hurt my game because this could make me seem like I am hard to work with or not willing to compromise but only Miguel would think so and he's one of my targets so lol.

Hopefully at Attila's tribal Isaac goes home and the merge happens so I can slay it.

What isn't going on? That is the real question...

Let's take it back to BEFORE Daniel's departure.

Prior to the vote ( literally 20 minutes before) I went on call with Alyssa and I can't tell if I'm just sipping Paranoid Bitch Juice™ or not.... BUT the first thing she asks me is if I have the idol. I was thrown off because.. 1) Why are you asking me this BEFORE A VOTE...AM I BEING VOTED OFF?. 2) Why do you have a SMILE on your face while asking me this. Anyways.. I've come to the conclusion that she may have an idol and isn't telling me because I want to kill her in this game. The purpose of this call was to warn her that I was actually voting out Isaac so she wouldn't be blindsided. I was trying to sugar coat it. Telling her I was conflicted and that Isaac may or may not have an idol but then the Google Hangouts link was sent and I didn't have enough time to tell her. After this Chaos and Daniel going I was hella shook. Alyssa seemed pissed at me and at that point I had no regrets. An idol was flushed and someone who would potentially come after me was gone. It was a major win/win situation for me personally. Then TJ going on the other tribe.. someone who potentially would have came for me... also: another freaking win.

THEN my night gets turned upside down and I'm summoned to the basement. I can't tell if the other tribe sent me there so I could find something and they LOVE ME or because they wanted to MURDER me in this game. It's still up in the air tbh. Being away from my tribe for a long period of time was scary. I'm kind of just hoping my relationship with both Stephen and Alyssa are solid and we can bo$$ this game up. However, am I afraid of Isaac possibly finding two idols in the basement? yes? do I want to be a paranoid bitch once again in a game? no? am I dying on the inside and thinking it could be me tonight? yes? am I going to drink wine before tribal? basically.

My game plan is simple. I'm going to be straight up with Alyssa and say I'm NOT doing Stephen. She either will vote out Stephen and we tie and we can go to rocks. 50/50 odds. Or she can keep Stephen. That's it. If an idol is played and I'm who they vote out.. I'll probably cry.

I refuse to even look ahead to after this tribal because I'm sort of extremely uncertain.

Fuck this week, man. I'm so glad that Ally and I went from a minority to a tie at the best, but I'm just not super confident in much right now. Hopefully we just keep winning.

hi i literally don’t have anything to say because nothing has changed since last round

i’m rly glad tj left i liked him but i liked everyone else more... and he VOTED me i’m glad daniel left in the tie on the other tribe cos we never spoke and i’m close to stephen z it’ll be interesting to see how their tribal goes this time with 2-2 tribal lines. i’m excited. i love jess and stephen so i’m rly hoping nothing happens to them that’s p much it. i got nothin. sry.

Sisters this might be the end of the road for me. I hope it’s not because I’m having a blast but this 2-2 fuckshit is annoying. If I go I have a successful idol play to my name and a few iconic one liners, see y’all in All-Stars. Rotten Luck.

Isaac is voted out in a 3-1 vote.