#I can't even distract myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

heartshattering · 10 months ago

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Feeling like I want to give up again...

#now it's my dad who's deciding to be a jerk towards me because he's mad at my mom #okay that's cool I guess #I haven't been feeling well at all today #I can't even distract myself #my dad's being so dramatic too like it's not my fault he's on a break from work but still doing stuff he could probably get out of doing #but he wants to be away from me and my mom so. I get it #he's never at home even when he's supposedly on a break from his job lol #this is how my mom and I know he's lying about retiring #because he's always putting it off #he was supposed to retire this year but nope #if he doesn't have his job he has no excuse to get out of the house and he hates being around us #Goddddd #he is such a fucking hypocrite #getting mad at me over something he has also done before and then saying it was fine when HE did it because it was 'months ago already'#(dropping something except in his case he actually SHATTERED it lmao)#but yeah... me dropping something without breaking it is WORSE than him dropping and actually breaking it...#wow #amazing logic #then my dad keeps complaining about how we don't care. when he's the one who proves over and over again that he's the one who doesn't care #I forget what they're called but he's the parent type who doesn't get involved in anything #he's never stood up for me and he's watching me rot and hurt myself and he's just like 'oh okay as long as it doesn't involve me idc'#he's not fucking stupid like he can tell there's shit clinically wrong with me but not once has he acted like an actual parent towards me #and yeah I'm an adult now but it's still fucked me up so badly #he is such a fucking coward #and selfish #if he could drop me and my mom somehow I know he would at the drop of the hat #but remember he's a coward so. I know he fucking won't #God this is making my urges get bad again #I'm crying 'cause I'm just so fucking pathetic :')

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screwpinecaprice · 3 months ago

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Copying artstyle off of older Steven and Connie concept art for the heck of it. (And chibis. ┐⁠(⁠´⁠▾⁠｀⁠)⁠┌)

The proportions felt awkward to draw, I did end up stretching them a bit. Haha

#Their eyes are so close together. The neck (specially Connie's) so slim and their legs are short #Actually looks nice to be honest haha #I can't study and draw the style much though. That's absolutely going to disorient me when I get back to my own drawing style #them little guys are yippie-ing #connverse #Steven Universe #Connie Maheswaran #Steven Quartz Universe #SU #skedoobles #Actually I was distracting myself because this was such a big bummer of a day!#Like so gloomy literally. Like that Adventure time episode with the party bears being bummed out by a song #Energy sucked out by the bummness #I also overslept so I feel nauseous trying to lie down to sleep #PLUS I was adjusting a drawing and rendering the whole day but I had to scrap it all because the image looked better before I made all that #so it was super extra bummy if that's a word #I need to draw some connverse at least #I really like Connie's outfit in it. Plus with the sun hat? Simple yet extra fun design. I wished they kept it through the final.#*I mean Connie's legs are def longggg. Steven has short legs. Even shorter than how I draw em. It's their heads that are much larger.#SUF #Steven Universe Future #SU Future

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l4tchk3y · 1 month ago

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Redraw of a cat meme. This is how I see baby Espio......

#espio the chameleon #sth #sonic fanart #classic espio #someone link me the original source of this i lost it and can't find it again #except on ifunny which is NOT a source #it will drive me insane not to properly credit this.... plz #anyway. the user got so distracted by tumblr that the user had to unplug the ethernet cable from their home computer to get more art done #the user is me #i miss finishing stuff to post (almost) everyday already. i want to get back to that even if it's just silly quick meme redraws #we must stay silly at all costs least we succumb to the rot #by we i mean i'm talking to myself again

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egophiliac · 8 months ago

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I feel like F/P/S was still a pretty weird one, even by Lance's standards.

sorry for (in an ironic twist) not doing much Ride Kamens art now that it's actually started; I've been pretty slow going through it and I feel weird posting about things I'm not caught up on! though I'm. definitely gonna have to set aside some time to actually get through episode 13, after what they posted today. (w-what did they do to my Leon) (NOBODY TELL ME I HAVE TO FIND OUT ON MY OWN) (LEOOOOOOOON)

#art #ride kamens #f/p/s #freedom/play/slam #it's probably not as dramatic as i'm imagining i'm just terrified for our sweet boy #smh can't believe leon's bald now #this is why i don't like to post before i get caught up i have NO IDEA #anyway sorry this. kind of sucks. it just made me laugh #i love the sheer absurdity that must be lance's day-to-day #it's amazing what you can get used to i guess #event chaosworlds are bizarre even for chaosworlds though #(poor shizuru...he was SO confused about the bread...)#i admit the events are one of the reasons i've been so slow at the main story #i told myself i was going to put my foot down and prioritize and not get distracted by the next event #and then they announced frilly prince froufrou tea party wisdom boys and RUINED MY LIFE #how am i supposed to get anything done when all i can think about is jou just going absolutely ham on some tiny cucumber sandwiches #how dare they do this to me

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verysmallcyborg · 3 days ago

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a wahoo in these trying times

#fornax #au roe #had some awful news a few hours ago so i'm kinda stuck in processing mode tm #so a silly lil thing before maint is needed.......... guh. can't even distract myself in onsal or something #(i won't talk about it in the tags. but tell your loved ones you love them. before it's too late)

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0xeyedaisy · 2 months ago

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Aw man...

#Vent incoming wee woo wee woo #Goooood man I feel so. Stressed and anxious cuz of my job #I hate it. I hate trying not to cry every 5 minutes #I hate the feeling in my chest. It's like someone is poking really hard into it #It's almost suffocating #I feel awful. Every little thing makes me angry. I don't want to be angry at ppl who did nothing wrong. I don't want to be like this #I really wish I wasn't like this. Why can't I be more calm and normal #I feel like I need a good cry. But I don't have anywhere to go for that #When I'm at home I don't feel like crying cuz I purposefully distract myself from stress #But I do feel like crying at work #But ofc I can't cry at work #And even at the end of the Day when going home I'm too tired to cry. Plus it would look weird for other ppl walking by...#I hate this. I get all stressed durring work but then I can't let it out #I have work rn. And tomorrow #I'm just gonna have to feel awful until my Days off come #God. I really hate venting. I don't like ppl seeing me like this but. I don't have anything else left to relieve the pain #I just don't know what to do anymore #Where to go #Whatever. This feeling will go away eventually #It will come back ofc #I just wish there was a better way to ease the pain. But again. I don't have a place for that #So I'll just have to seat w these feelings until they go away #I'll try to keep myself distracted. Which will be hard cuz I. Am at work. The place which makes me feel these things in the first place #But whatever! I'll try anyways #I'll look at art. Or I'll think about characters that I like...#Save me fictional characters. Save me!!#Anyways. Vent over 🎉

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icewindandboringhorror · 2 months ago

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I've referenced before how I have a big google document to keep track of every media I've ever seen in my entire life (just for reference because I like to track everything possible lol… I am the Data Collector), but recently as I was updating it, I thought of actually evaluating them to find out random percentages (like for example, out of Total Shows Watched, what percentage did I finish vs. stop watching, what percentage did I like or dislike, etc.)...

Evaluating these things is made easier by the fact that I already place everything on each subsection of the list into 6 broad ranking categories, so I don't have to go back and guess to figure out how I feel about them or anything. The categories are: Ranking 5 - overall best* (despite some criticisms of course because I'm too much of an Analyzer to ever find anything Perfect lol) Ranking 4 - more positive than neutral, but not good enough to be 5 Ranking 3 - either the good + bad negate each other, OR it's just not memorable/interesting in any way enough to be ranked higher or lower (this is the Default category ALL things are placed in if no other rank applies) Ranking 2 - maybe a few redeemable elements but largely more negatives than positives Ranking 1 - So bad that it circles around to being fascinating to observe in some way (not necessarily Funny, or Good, but just interesting somehow) Ranking 0 - Bad in a genuinely frustrating or obnoxious manner

*("best" primarily defined here as most interesting, rather than most good in a technical sense, or some other measure. I tend to value more highly whether there's something novel or thoughtful about the worldbuilding, tone, writing, base premise, etc - than about whether it's actually executed perfectly.)

And here's the amount of shows that have so far been placed into each category -

TV shows ~ Rank 5 (highest) - 20 shows ~ Rank 4 (mid-high) - 28 shows ~ Rank 3 (neutral/default/meh) - 114 shows ~ Rank 2 (mid low) -33 shows ~ Rank 1 (low low but intriguingly so) - 14 shows ~ Rank 0 (iredeemably low) - 2 shows

This would make for a total of 211 TV shows overall. However, there are 57 shows within these list marked as "didn't finish" (typically meaning I quit on the very first or second episode - but log them still to keep a record that I at least had a brief view of them).

So my total of genuinely fully watched shows would be more 154. 211 Total, but a More Accurate Total of 154.

Counting them all and using the Total Number Of The List (211) -- that means roughly 9.5% of all total shows I have ever watched (or at least attempted to watch) have been Mostly Good, 13% have been Moderately Okay, 54% have been either entirely Forgettable or some mix of good + bad that lands them right in the Neutral Middle, 15.6% have been Mostly Bad, 6.6% have been Bad (but in an interesting way), and 0.9% have been Terribly Bad.

Additionally, I didn't even get past the first two episodes of about 27% of the total.

Sooo, discounting ones I didn't finish, my total TV shows ever watched in my life would be about 154 (maybe give or take a few, assuming I might have forgotten some from very long ago).

But instead of entire life, let's just say this is the total for 'About 20 Years' (so, not counting very early childhood when I likely wouldn't remember things I saw/have no detailed recollection of them (like for example, I'm sure at some point when I was like 4yrs old I must have seen an episode of Spongebob or something, but I have zero distinct memories of it, can't quote anything of it, and barely recall the premise - so I don't count it on the list, etc.)).

In that case, 154 divided by 20 would be roughly 7.7 shows a year.

Which is actually surprisingly low considering that I often have stuff on in the background for hours whilst I make sculptures and do costumes and stuff (maybe I should have also marked some distinction between 'things I fully paid attention to' and 'things I kind of half listened to whilst sculpting', but that would further split the categories too much probably lol), but I guess a lot of that is youtube videos or random documentaries, so .. eh.. maybe I get it being lower.

Now, doing the same thing for movies-

Movies ~ Rank 5 (highest) - 4 movies (3.4% of total) ~ Rank 4 (mid-high) - 12 movies (10.3% of total) ~ Rank 3 (neutral/default/meh) - 91 movies (78.4% of total) ~ Rank 2 (mid low) - 8 movies (6.8% of total) ~ Rank 1 (low but interesting) - 1 movie (0.8% of total) ~ Rank 0 (irredeemably low) - none in this category (0%)

That makes 116 for a Total (Actually Remembered) Movies Watched In Lifetime (Or At Least In 20 Years).

116 divided by 20 is roughly 5 or 6 movies a year (I feel this has probably been skewed though by adding everything since like elementary school onwards, as I remember a lot more movies from child/teen years.. Whereas, the past 3 years I feel like I've barely seen maybe even 5 movies?? lol). I also have "Didn't Finish" marked on 18 of them. Which means I quit halfway through about 15% of the total movies.

So, a for broader summary stuff..

I seem to be less forgiving to movies than tv shows, by far. Which makes sense to me, I guess, because I love elaboration and details, so "short form" things that only last an hour or two are often lost on me a bit. My biggest complaint with movies is indeed usually walking away just wishing there had been more exposition, more scenes where characters are doing nothing, more "mindless bantering" conversations, more Quiet Downtime and Lore Elaboration and so on lol, so... of course most 1-2hr films end up feeling a bit Not Enough To Draw My Interest/Nothingy to me.

If you count 5 and 4 as "like" and rankings 2 to 0 as "dislike", then for TV shows I at least somewhat liked 48 of them, and at least somewhat disliked 47 of them.. So it's almost exactly the same lol. I'm just about equally as likely to find something bad as I am to find something redeeming about it. But overall, the largest chance is that I just won't really care much for it at all and it will be tossed into the 'neutral' pile, forgotten forever. Movies have a bit better of a balance, "liking" 16 of them, and "disliking" only 9 of them. So I'm slightly more likely to enjoy a movie than to find it annoying - though still VASTLY more likely to just not find it anything in particular, possibly not even finishing it.

ANYWAY.. this is vague and literally pointless, but like I said, I just really find information fun. Like my document where I've rated every apple flavor I've ever tried (like 40 of them now?), or reviewed every oreo flavor (32?), or ranking data from my entire 10 years of Trying To Make Friends process (out of 100 people, roughly 8% chance of a moderate compatibility, 3% chance of high), or etc. etc.. I love to have random pointless things to analyze I suppose lol.

I doubt anyone tracks things in their life in this same exact way, but I'd be interested in hearing any at least somewhat similar data !!! (like, how many TV shows you watch a year on average, and what percentage of those you like vs. dislike (if you keep track of that sort of thing), etc.)). I guess it might be easier with movies, since I think some people use those websites where you curate a list of movies you've seen and you can rate them or something, so maybe the numbers are already available on those places. :0

#maybe this is my version of spotify wrapped lol.. Lifetime Media Google Doc Wrapped.. kind of.. except I'm not going over specific titles.#I can't do this with music since I rarely EVER look for new music or add to my Youtube To MP3 folder library as I just don't really #listen to music that often. When I'm working (the majority of when I seek background noise) I need like.. people's talking voices #for some reason. Just instruments and singing are not distracting enough to me to work as background noise because theyre #almost TOO in the background if that makes sense? like if I put music on then I just tune it out and it's virtually no different #than if I were daydreaming stream of consciousness thoughts in an entirely quiet room lol. And I can't really do it with books since #essentially 100% of what I read is non-fiction. usually about some specific subject or academic topic OR stuff like #1800s magazines or cookbooks or historical people's diaries. Which is not really.. the type of thing I would #rank as easily I guess? like 'ooh yeah putting the sociology textbook in my top 5 hee hee right next to the 1920s radio recipes book' lol.#Then for games... I just sadly dont play enough of them. I've been banned from new games as I've told myself I cant play anyting #long form (no rpgs or etc) until I actually finish MY OWN game first - to keep me from wasting time. so on average #I play... 0 new games a year. ToT... I do play the sims sometimes but that's really all (which is not a new game at all since #I've been playing it on and off for years). Thus I guess movies/TV are really the only things that make sense #to collect this sort of information on. I could do youtube videos I guess also but that seems kind of strange like...#giving a rating to every single video I watch in a ranked list lol.. Especially since I would say a good 85% of the time #they are exclusively background noise whilst I'm working on something or cleaning the house or etc. and not things I pay serious attention #to. There are only a few specific topics/types/creators of videos I watch where I'm ACTUALLY sitting in front of a screen paying #direct attention to the content (usually when it's educational or political things). Everything else is too mindless to even rank.#ANYWAY... ever analyzing my little hermit Weird Relationship To Media (in the sense of seemingly not processing or getting the same #things out of it as many other seem to). I think that can contribute sometimes to the whole difficulty socializing and stuff #since our culture is very centered around media consumption generally speaking. People want to talk about The New Movie that came #out or The Big TV Show Of The Year. and for me it's like.. highly likely I just plain have NOT seen it. Or if i have. statistically #I most likely was entirely ambivalent if not slightly negative towards it lol. Which just kind of takes the steam out of a 'fun' 'casual'#conversation and you seem like a bit of a bummer if most of your only feedback is either 'idk what that is' or 'oh yea... i did #see that one.... i didnt like it all that much though... I think it'd be better with elves in it.. and 7 hours longer..'' lol..#Which I am not disliking things in a 'grr i hate it bc its popular'/just to be contrarian way. I actually dislike that mindset/find it #silly (by striving so hard to be counterculture you are thus still defining yourself by the whims of external culture - just in the #opposite direction. but are still just as preoccupied with the mainstream (going against it) as everyone else. etc. lol..)) In my #case I think it IS just having niche hyperspecific tastes.. for example- it peeves me when cell phones are in media bc I dont want to be #reminded at ALL of the real world. so.. cross off anything set in modern times. so on & etc. Judging all things by these weird criteria lol

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bluastro-yellow · 1 year ago

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I thought Kim's portrait looking a little like the Rising Moon Hanafuda card was just a neat coincidence but I actually like the idea of Kim symbolising a moonrise instead of a sunrise. the Sun is the brightest star in the sky and when it's gone the Moon keeps reflecting its light. what if (if you play him as a huge communard) Harry dies just like Mazov and Kim becomes the "echo maker", the one who spreads his message

#I'm just saying words and blathering because I'm waiting for something and I need to distract myself #I like putting ideas out I don't know if they make sense #in the hanafuda card the moon is rising at sunset 🎴. they meet for a moment #disco elysium #pointless microblogging #if moralism is the blue sky communism is the night sky no?#disco elysium spoilers #sort of #let kim fix the fucking tiptop analysis he needs to do it #even if it's right because he might love machines but you can't deny he craves violence in some complex way #he needs to sit down and write his thoughts on the subject so he can think about it

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californiaquail · 1 month ago

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anyone else feeling fundamentally incapable of adjusting to society. also just discovered there's a 30 tag limit which i can't believe i've never hit before

#like it was one thing when i was in high school and college like wasn't socialized as a child due to not receiving schooling and growing up #sda blah blah whatever but like i'm almost 27 and i am barely functioning lol like i feel like i'm struggling to have a normal conversation #even more than i used to and i think my speech cadence is noticably off which i don't think it always has been #some of it is definitely from chronic exhaustion from having to get up too early and the stress of having a frequently panic inducing boss #but like. come on now. i can't even drive despite finally having a license because i'm too scared/distractible/poor reaction time #over a dozen antidepressants have not worked. adderall is not working great either #i'm SO much dumber than i used to be and it's driving me quite literally insane #i don't even think it's from getting covid in july because i was noticing it before although it definitely became way more noticeable after #i got this job. i've never been this bad at a job in my life and it's something anyone who knows me would assume i'd be good at #it's embarrassing. i cannot fucking remember anything i struggle to do the most basic of arithmetic to fill prescriptions i make the same #silly mistakes multiple times i am constantly asking stupid questions and still somehow fucking up all the time #it's not as bad as it was a couple months ago and frankly i'm shocked i haven't gotten fired i keep thinking that's going to happen #of course i wanted to quit this job four months ago but now i'm at like a sunk cost fallacy point unfortunately #this is obviously not like any kind of career position for many reasons but i don't know what else to do unless i move across the country #again. i'm not even qualified for anything besides animal related things and summer camp which are fine obviously but not great if you want #things like benefits or paid leave or not to get burned out as hell lmao #i don't even feel like i could do any customer service jobs because i literally struggle to put a coherent sentence together on the spot #everything is so slow. soooo slow i'm literally losing my mind which is catastrophic because my mind is all i've ever had going for me #and i'm having kind of a horrible existence lately which is exacerbating all my problems except the problems make it mostly impossible to d #anything to fix it. ok going out and doing some fun stuff for a day makes me feel better that's great. except then i need a day after that #to recover from doing things the previous day. so the only feasible day for doing things would be saturday. except on saturdays i'm #recovering from working. i literally only work 4 days and barely over 30 hours it's Not that crazy. i mean the boss is crazy and the job ca #also be crazy obviously but 30 hours a week is minimal compared to other work schedules i've maintained before #anyway but the most i can do after work is go to the store if i need to but i almost never have energy for anything fun #and the fucking bus doesn't run on sundays and walking miles to get literally anywhere takes a lot of energy i don't have #i'm about to move next weekend and i'm dreading it because it's going to be so much work and i'm so fucking tired #and i don't have any friends to help me with cleaning i might be able to get help moving my stuff but i'm not even confident about that #i might have to rent a uhaul but i would honestly rather pay somebody to help because i'm that scared of driving even for one 30 min trip #whatever....sorry i had to feel bad for myself in the tumblr dot edu tags again i'm not in therapy rn #(<- guy who should be in therapy)

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incorrect-fnaf-quotes · 1 month ago

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Man.

#Guess who has started to physically feel bad #Another thing onto the growing pile #Honestly I've already been feeling all of the stress and everything for a while at this point #But the last few days--and especially today--has been a change #I'm really not sure what to do to calm myself. Or just even anything for distractions #If I could simply forget about everything going on and get to be around all of my blorbos or comfort characters #That would be nice #But that can't happen #Not a quote #I don't even know why I'm talking about any of this #I don't think that many people care to see that I'm having some problems #But I've still got so many other things to just. say. That I want to--but I'm never good with expressing #Not FNaF #Everything just happens so quickly #Spring's Chatter #On a tiny note. I'm honestly upset with myself that I'm not working on much of the stories or anything #But I don't think I can get through any of it with everything--especially being burned out

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lordelmelloi2 · 1 month ago

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🥲

#just a heads up if it seems like I'm blogging and normal: I am not #have genuinely been struggling between planning either... suicide. or to run away from everything #idk all I can even say is I'm just capital t Trying. right now. for anything #so I'm distracting myself somewhat with stuff like finishing fgo stories and whatever #All I want is to be treated with a little dignity.#and I feel like lately nobody does or people just assume the worst of me and then blame me for it #or infantilize me or act like I'm some fucking animal to be observed and trained #this is on top of the amount of stress I'm going thru at work being the person who comes in clutch while Everybody calls out sick #so yeah I have been contemplating ending it all lately because I can't fix myself and I kind of don't want to #regular posting may return idk #we'll just have to see how this next week goes #I just ask people to not take out their frustration on me I am already dealing with everybody I ever known taking it out on me right now #and treating me badly and blaming things on me because they know I can 'handle it'#so I'm struggling between 'it's really me that's irrevocably bad everyone else is right' and 'everyone is taking their depression out on me'#and I just. can't. take it. anymore.#and I don't have the energy to defend myself because every day someone asks me to take responsibility for some nonsense or try to mediate #and i don't have time for my own feelings right now so I'm just driven to try and hurt myself #and I couldn't even talk about this for a week. I would hear myself or another alter telling me to shut the fuck up and stop being dramatic #I couldn't process anything #I couldn't physically or mentally even conceptualize telling anyone anything because it all just seemed so stupid to me #and it kind of is?#but I don't really know what to do about it.#so here I am. Still here for now. I don't know. I don't feel like anyone can actually help me. I'm well aware that nobody Can help me #so rose is forced to be alone once again while whatever this is passes or changes shape. idk #long tags //////92829

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rubenesque-as-fuck · 2 months ago

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I just want it to be tomorrow after work so I can get unfathomably high on edibles and turn off my brain for at least a few days

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mangywayway · 1 month ago

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I only got bad news recently, and even if from one hand the karma is kinda paying off and this situation has been a "nice" reality check to some members of my family, coff coff, I'm still terrified about everything. We still don't have a definitive outcome because there is stuff that needs to be checked but yeah, it's not looking good so far

Everything said, if you are still here, enjoy these chunky photos of Parsifal (this patato is getting really big lol)

He's giving major antagonist vibes here lololol